Easy (2003) Movie Script
(answering machine)
Tuesday, 10:03 a.m.
(man #1)
Yeah, Jamie, hi.
Uh, it turns out I'm not really
gonna be around Thursday night,
so, uh...
beep!
(answering machine)
Sunday, 12:29 a.m.
(man #2)
Jamie, you were really great,
but, uh, I met someone else.
Beep!
(man #3)
I, uh... I wanted to, um...
I got to work tonight,
but, uh, so maybe...
I'm thinking sometime next week
or, uh, week after that or...
I'll give you a ring.
Beep!
(man #4)
Listen, I... I hate to leave this
on an answering machine.
I mean...
beep!
(man #5)
I still kind of have
a girlfriend,
but if you're cool with that...
beep!
(man #6)
I'm not ready.
Beep!
(man #7)
I don't know how to say this,
so I'm just gonna say it.
Beep!
(man #8)
I don't really believe
in monogamy.
Beep!
(answering machine)
Monday, 10:32 a.m.
(man #1)
Something's kind of come up,
so, um, I'll call you
on Thursday.
(answering machine)
Thursday, 4:53 p.m.
No messages.
Beep!
Tuesday, 10:03 a.m.
(woman)
Hello, this is Marian Simms,
and I'm calling about
your Capital Three credit card.
We have...
beep!
Beep!
(answering machine)
No messages.
Beep!
No messages.
Beep!
Beep!
(man #1)
Yeah, uh...
beep!
My sister's boyfriend's
brother's got his...
beep!
I'll call you?
Beep!
Beep!
I think it's time for us
to see other people.
Beep!
(man #9)
I need some time alone.
Beep!
(man #10)
It's the timing, really.
Beep!
(man #1)
Yeah, um, and if you want,
you can just...
you can keep the TV.
[Applause on TV]
(man)
We've been getting a lot
of mail wanting to know more
about my incredible
sexual adventures.
So tonight,
I'd like to invite you
to come to my boudoir,
as we say in the French-speaking
part of Ireland.
[Phone ringing]
Hello.
Jamie, I can't go
tomorrow night.
Laura, you promised.
I know,
but Paul and I have to finish
the hospital blueprints
by the end of the week.
We just worked till midnight.
My neck is killing me.
I think my mid-cervicals
just rotated.
I thought they rotated
yesterday.
Well, they rotated yesterday,
and then they rotated back
this morning,
and then they re-rotated
this afternoon.
Come on, Laura,
you have to come with me.
If I go alone, I'm gonna look
like some kind of poetry groupie
trying to pick him up.
You know I ruined
his romantic poetry class?
I used to bring up
Lord Byron's pubic hair.
What?
Lord Byron used to send
pubic hair to his lovers.
You're smoking, aren't you?
I can tell by the way
you're talking.
I am not. It's not lit.
It's just a pacifier.
[Softly]
Just a minute.
Jamie, I have to go to bed.
Paul and I are, um,
meeting Daddy for...
for breakfast
tomorrow morning.
You want to come?
No, I just saw Dad.
I'm still recovering.
So are you gonna come with me
to the bookstore tomorrow
at 6:45?
He'd better not be
another one of those...
He's not a jerk. I promise.
(woman)
Hi, everybody.
May I have your attention?
Hi, I'm Tanya Wright.
Tonight we have
John Kalicharan with us.
Doubt Me Not is John's
eighth book of poetry.
Eight books.
[Applause]
(woman)
He's brilliant.
He's very attractive.
Well, first of all, I'd like
to thank you all for coming.
[Velcro tearing]
I'm very grateful.
Thank you.
"Her left eye
is only a golden blur,
"her ear a vast
musical instrument
"of flesh.
"The moon
spills off my shoulder,
slides into her face."
Thank you so much for coming.
Enjoy the book.
What should I say?
Just be your adorable self.
[People chatting]
Do you remember me?
Jamie Harris.
The romantic poetry seminar
at Bard.
You were very...
I think you challenged
everything I said.
Well, it was nice
seeing you again.
I don't hold it
against you.
Why not?
When are you going back
to New York?
I'm not.
I moved here
a couple of months ago.
By yourself or...
I lived with a woman
for eight years,
but it ended.
Are you with someone or...
Oh, uh, I'm in a really
destructive relationship...
with myself.
Jamie, do not
sleep with him tonight.
No, I won't.
You don't want
to blow this.
He is very promising,
more than anybody
that you've ever...
Okay, Laura,
I will not fuck him.
Can I kiss him?
No.
Come in.
(John)
Nice big hammock.
Oh, yeah, it's a tanning bed.
It's guaranteed to give you
skin cancer within five years.
I named it,
so they gave me one.
You named it?
Mm-hmm.
I name products.
That's what I do.
Do you want a drink?
Yeah. Have you got any wine?
Uh, I don't think so.
I got some scotch.
Rusty water in tuna brine.
(John)
I saw a liquor store
on Wilshire.
I'll be right back.
No, no. I'm not doing it.
I'm not doing it.
I am not.
No.
And I brought you a gift.
Oh, it's beautiful.
I think it sort of matches
what you're wearing.
Sort of. It...
[laughs]
[Chuckles]
Thank you.
I'll be right back.
Have you got an opener?
I'm not having sex.
I'm sorry.
L-I thought...
I mean, I shouldn't
have assumed that...
I feel like an idiot.
I'm really very sorry.
Wait!
You're amazing.
You too.
I can't... I can't believe this.
You can't believe what?
I'll tell you, um,
when I know you better.
I will know you better.
Yes.
[Lawn mower roaring]
John?
Fuck!
Jamie, why do you always
do this?
It is so self-destructive.
Well, he was leaving,
and I thought I was never
gonna see him again.
I just thought sex
was my last chance.
Well, either you're not
a great fuck...
which I think is unlikely,
given all your practice...
or being a great fuck
doesn't make any difference.
Hey.
Either way,
you're screwed.
Um, James, I got to go.
Good morning.
[Laughs]
All right, so how many
did you have yesterday?
I didn't have any all day.
Uh-huh.
And then?
And then I had, like,
10 or 15.
Oh, no!
But less than a pack.
Martin, the circumstances
were extenuating.
Yeah, you smell like sex.
Do I smell
like incredible sex?
[Sniffs]
Well, either that
or a lot of average sex.
Rowr-rowr!
[Laughs]
[Sighs]
Hmm.
All right, who is he?
Does he have a nice soul?
He was my teacher.
And his soul looks good.
An older man.
Well, this could be positive.
[Knock at door]
Sorry, sorry!
My fly is stuck.
I have an acupuncture
appointment with Martin Mars.
I'm the headache.
I swear, I'm no more perverted
than the next bloke.
I'll pull my shirt out.
Lucky for you, it's...
it's extra large.
Not that that's so small.
Well, medium, maybe.
You look like me mum's
sewing cushion.
What are you in for?
Smoking.
I'm an addict.
You're Mick McCabe.
That would be me, yeah.
Comedy Central at midnight,
hoping you'll laugh once
before you...
[together]
Conk out.
Yeah, I watch you
after The Simpsons.
I love The Simpsons.
Simpsons is brilliant.
Me, I'm just...
You're funny too.
Silly Irish loudmouth.
Do they hurt?
Oh, they're like rabies shots,
only worse.
[Laughs]
(Grant-Lee Phillips)
There used to be
another one of those,
but my ex, Martha, took it.
(Grant-Lee Phillips)
Well, you know,
I had a crush on you
which, of course,
I couldn't act on.
Is that why
you totally ignored me?
Yeah.
(Grant-Lee Phillips)
(Jamie)
When I was little,
my mom used to read me
this book
called Goodnight Moon.
Every night, we'd say,
"Night-night, lune.
See you soon."
That's lovely.
(Grant-Lee Phillips)
[laughter]
I name anything...
colored tampons,
eyedrops that correct
your vision for 13 minutes.
You name it, I name it.
What a brilliant job.
Not really.
Sometimes I get
a brilliant idea;
they never use it.
We should have you on the show.
You're kidding.
No, I'm very serious.
Yeah.
You'll be getting a call
from my producer tomorrow.
So how did you get into
this line of business?
Well, I've been a vegan
since my childhood dog,
Butch, died.
I couldn't reconcile
my love of animals
with my sadomasochistic
lifestyle.
[Laughter]
S&M attire is 99% leather.
Though I now believe
that my new line
of nonanimal
all-natural products
will finally bring sadomasochism
to the holistic market.
[Laughter]
Wonderful.
That's gonna be me
in 48 hours.
What if I can't think
of anything funny to say?
You're much more amusing
than he is.
(man)
I think it went well.
Much more.
(Mick)
Good for you, Tom.
I guess I better get going.
(Jamie)
Okay.
(John)
It was really lovely
to meet you.
It's a shame your husband
couldn't come, though.
Yeah, well, he, uh,
doesn't socialize much.
You know,
he works all the time,
as all architects do.
Does that mean
that you work all the time?
Yeah, pretty much.
With that, we leave you.
We'll be back
in two minutes.
Don't go away.
Oh, man.
Can we please have sex
before I embarrass myself
on national television
and have to move
to a TV-free island?
Jamie, we...
Jamie.
We have to talk.
Oh, what?
Martha just showed up.
She said that she wants
to get back together.
You... why, do you want
to get back together with her?
I thought...
I wasn't expecting this.
I was hoping for this
before I met you.
Oh.
I thought I was gonna have kids
with Martha.
We'd been together
for so long.
No, that's right.
She's... you've...
She's the one,
and I'm just the easy chick.
No, that is not
how I think of you.
That is not
how I think of you, Jamie.
(Laura)
I can't believe John did this.
He seemed so great.
Maybe I'm just gonna cancel.
You know, I'm sure they've got
an obscene parrot
they can call
at the last minute.
I can't find my wallet.
Jamie, is something wrong?
My boyfriend broke up with me.
That's too bad.
But you didn't know him
for very long, did you?
Dad.
Thanks, Dad.
That's a big help.
I just meant that, uh...
I was trying, you know...
It's harder the longer
that you know someone.
That's all.
(woman)
It was in the Xerox machine.
Your 2:00 is on his way up.
I have to go.
Don't worry, Jamie.
There's someone out there
who's right for you.
Yeah, well,
what if I never meet him?
What if he's rotting
in a Peruvian prison?
I know.
You feel hurt right now.
Amber, I do not know
how you can be so optimistic.
I mean,
you date a lot of...
Shitheads,
but eventually
I'll find someone incredible.
I'm gonna cancel.
No, you're not.
(woman)
Hi.
I'm Sandy Clarke,
Mick's producer.
We spoke
on the phone.
This is Big Tex.
Oh, you look great,
especially the lips.
[Buzzer]
Uh, just want to let you know
we're gonna end
with the vaginal
odor warning strips.
(Mick)
So tell us, Jamie.
How did you become a namer?
I had a roommate
who sold medical supplies.
She got me my first job.
Which was?
Naming a catheter.
[Laughter]
I wanted to call it
Urine Trouble,
but they wanted something
more positive.
It wasn't so negative.
It could have been called
Urine Bloody Deep Shit.
[Laughs]
Actually,
you're not allowed to mention
blood or shit
or piss or come,
but gas is fine.
[Laughter]
Um, so after catheters,
I moved on to antidepressants.
Ooh.
I named Upanol.
I took Upanol.
I nearly went impotent.
[Laughs]
[Clears throat]
So you're gonna name an SUV.
Where do you start...
by taking a meeting
with those buggers
at General Motors?
Oh, I don't get those jobs.
I get really weird jobs,
like electric strollers
with global positioning.
But someday, hopefully,
you'll graduate onto
the off-road vehicles.
Maybe.
But those jobs are boring.
They all want the same thing...
a new Cherokee.
There's only one minority
for car manufacturers:
American Indians.
You're never gonna see
a four-door Korean
with air-conditioning
and power steering
or a fully loaded
Black Jeep Jew.
[Laughs]
[Applause]
You know, someone very important
left me a few years ago,
and it was hell for a while,
but you get over it, and...
and hopefully you do better
next time.
[Sighs]
That's probably not
much consolation right now.
Oh.
It's okay.
I'm sorry.
Are you okay?
Hey, I have your rings!
[Bell ringing]
[Bell ringing]
Hey, wait!
Why...
Why are you doing this?
Please talk to me.
My husband left me.
He said our relationship
had grown stale.
I thought we were happy.
I, uh...
We have a son.
He doesn't talk. He...
We don't talk.
He won't even know I'm gone.
Yes, he will.
You know, my mother died
20 years ago.
I miss her every day.
She killed herself.
I guess that was
a pretty selfish thing to do.
She couldn't help it.
Could you please
come down with me?
That's good.
[Screams]
[Loud thud]
[Siren wailing]
[Monitor beeping]
(Tanya)
I, uh, thought you might, uh,
like to read some books.
Well, that's, uh...
that's a nice thing to do.
So, uh,
how do you know Jamie?
She, uh... she's been coming
to my bookstore
since she was
a little girl.
She was some kid.
Yeah.
I know you probably think
that I'm unspeakable,
but I have to see Jamie.
Please go.
Look, I have to see her.
(Laura)
She doesn't want to see you.
(John)
Sometimes people in comas
can hear what you're saying.
I thought if she could hear me,
if she could hear my voice,
she might want to know
how much...
We'll leave them for her.
Thanks very much.
It might make her happy.
I dreamt I fucked Homer Simpson.
Did John come?
No.
But everybody else
has been great.
Tanya's been here
a couple times,
and Mick.
I think I had a dream
about Mick.
So you did it with Mick
and Homer Simpson
at the same time?
That's a little freaky, Jamie.
I could have died.
"Dear Jamie,
"I just wanted to thank you
for saving my life.
"I'm in a hospital,
"so I have
a lot of time to think.
"I hope
you're recovering quickly.
All my best,
Jackie Smithson."
You look like your mother.
Beep!
[John on answering machine]
Jamie, Jamie, pick up.
You don't need to deal
with that right now.
Play.
(John)
I've made a terrible mistake.
We don't care.
Play.
(John)
I saw her tonight. I knew.
I really am over her
completely.
What do you think
of that "completely"?
I think he's protesting
too much.
He doesn't need the "really"
and the "completely."
Play it again.
Beep!
(John)
I really am over her
completely.
He's clearly not stable.
One minute, he's out the door;
the next, he's on his knees.
Sweetie, you've been
through so much lately.
Maybe you shouldn't
call him back for a while.
Just wait
till you feel stronger.
I've only known him
for two weeks,
not counting
the two years in college
I spent fantasizing about him.
What if, all of a sudden,
he really, truly,
completely decides
he wants to be with Martha?
Here, here.
Here.
There you go.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You're better off alone
right now.
You don't want
another flaky boyfriend.
(Jamie)
This is my life.
I'm just a pathetic
jerk magnet.
Wow, you're pretty hard
on yourself.
I don't know.
Just trying
to face the facts.
What do you think
about celibacy?
I think it sucks.
I'm not talking about you.
[Laughs]
I'm thinking celibacy might be
a really good thing for me.
I just don't want to keep doing
what I've been doing.
It hurts too much.
So I thought maybe
if I just spent time with men
without the possibility
of sex.
I think
that's a beautiful idea.
And it doesn't have to be
for the rest of my life.
I'm thinking, like,
three months.
Think I'm still allowed
to masturbate?
As long as you're alone.
[Loud knocking]
I'm turning over a new leaf.
You're trying
to get pregnant?
I've taken a vow of celibacy.
But I brought you
a boyfriend.
Stay.
Stay. Steady.
Oh, Mick.
He's amazing.
Oh, I have always
wanted a pet.
What should I name him?
I don't know.
Isaac Newton?
Hello, Isaac.
I think he was celibate.
Wow.
You got him?
How about Ike?
I like Ike.
What do they eat?
My turtle Molly
eats worms and snails
and squirrels and small...
Okay, here.
I'm joking.
(Jamie)
He's been in there
for two days.
I think he has
botfly infestation.
He's probably just constipated.
I'm calling Mick.
(Mick)
Okay, Ike.
It's called an enema.
Yeah, see?
That wasn't so bad.
Handled that
like a real man.
Ooh.
Couldn't have done better
myself.
He's feeling it now.
[Ike farts]
Oh, fucking hell!
It's okay.
It's okay.
Uh, you know what?
Look, it's okay.
Sorry about that.
I thought we were friends.
And we are friends.
I'm just randy,
and it's been a while.
[Blow-dryer whirring]
[Knock at door]
Well,
I better be going.
You better change.
(Mick)
I wear skirts after work.
Gives the privates
a bit of fresh air.
I miss you.
Yeah, I miss you too.
That was staggering,
how you saved
that woman's life.
It was so scary.
"I love you"?
You can't write that.
I want you to go.
Please.
[Saw buzzing]
I think they look a lot better
in the casts.
You know,
when you were in your coma,
you kept screaming, "Homer."
Oh, no.
I studied Greek in college.
I was just wondering...
Um, it was a different Homer.
Well, um,
come back and see me
if you have any tingling
or numbness
or if you want to get a drink
or something sometime.
Uh, I'm celibate.
What's that like?
[Squeaking]
Whoa! No, be careful!
He's handicapped.
This, um,
Ike's lunch?
This is a Ratticus norvegicus.
Huh.
For the kids.
So how'd it go with John?
Not so good.
I saw you at the W.
She your type?
Oh, she was on the show.
But it wasn't a date.
That's good.
Oh, you don't want me
to date?
No, I didn't say that.
I just pictured you
with someone
who would at least
get your jokes.
I married someone
who got my jokes,
and that didn't end up
with a laugh.
You were married?
Oh, the one who left you.
I'm late for Martin,
but I had an idea
I wanted to talk to you about.
Could you stop by
the station tomorrow?
Sure.
You got two arms.
Very nice.
We're doing a home-shopping bit,
and we thought you could name
some of the products.
What do you think?
Uh, yeah, I guess so.
Say yes.
Say yes.
Great!
Okay, yes.
Bye, darling.
Ratman is wanted.
He is such a character.
[Chuckles]
How did you guys hook up?
Oh, in London
about ten years ago.
He was doing a sitcom,
and I was
the producer's assistant.
So you must have known him
for a really long time.
Mm-hmm.
I know him pretty well.
I mean, we were married.
Got ya.
It's true.
Wait, do you got me,
or is it true?
We were together
about seven years,
until I fell in love
with his wife...
his wife on the show.
Yeah.
Whoa.
Yeah, it was a little tough
getting through that one,
but, you know, now Mick and me,
we're good again.
Oh.
So, uh, how's that whole
celibacy thing going?
38 days.
It's okay.
(Tanya)
Hmm.
(Jamie)
Sometimes the nights are hard.
(Tanya)
Well, I've been
without a man
for over two years.
[Chuckles]
And I'm, uh,
tired of it.
Your casts are off.
Yeah, they cut them off.
I don't want to say
the wrong thing again.
And I was hoping...
I don't think
it's a good idea.
Well, your birthday's
coming up.
How do you know
it's my birthday?
Remember?
You showed me your license
where you looked just like
Homer Simpson.
You didn't even know
who Homer Simpson was.
Right, but couldn't I just
take you out to lunch anyway?
No.
Laura's having a birthday party
for me.
Maybe you could come to that.
[People chatting]
[Laughter]
Hey, John,
how are you?
Excuse me.
[Jamie laughing]
(Jamie)
I think he could.
I think he could go
all the way.
Happy birthday.
She's probably been getting
a lot of that today.
Maybe you should try
a better line.
What would you suggest?
Oh, how about,
"Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
My life hasn't been the same
since I met you."
I prefer "Happy birthday."
James,
why don't we go see
how Daddy's doing?
(Mr. Harris)
So you were saying?
(Tanya)
I was saying that your position
on corporate architecture,
if anything,
should be quite different.
I mean, I disagree.
Architecture
is absolutely political.
Right?
What about Albert Speer?
Your friend's been criticizing
my outmoded ideas.
She loves
to criticize.
No, no, no, no...
educate.
Albert Speer.
Oh, Dad.
She played
the Albert Speer card.
I did not.
(Mick)
I thought the unwrapping
would be later,
in private.
Oh, no, no, no,
that's okay.
Everybody knows
that I'm celibate.
[Laughter]
I didn't know.
Well, you usually don't like
to know about my sex life.
Maybe I've changed.
Daddy, you're acting weird.
Oh, oh.
Aw.
Thanks.
That is the book,
the one you had, isn't it?
You can get her Hello Sun
next year.
So are you still
with Mick's sitcom wife?
Oh, God, no.
She left me for a man,
her first cousin.
You know, English people
are so sick.
(Laura)
Jamie, Amber's here.
You came.
Yeah, just for a minute.
Your father
left his wallet
in the office last night,
and he just...
Oh, I am so jealous.
I'm dying to have a baby,
but my girlfriend wants me
to wait a bit.
May I?
I want to have it
in the bath.
I've been trying to get Paul
to have a kid,
but he's not ready.
I should go.
I'm really tired.
Jamie, you look great.
You look like you're having
a great party.
At least have some cake
or something to eat.
Come on.
Okay, but I really
have to go home.
I'm so tired.
How about you, Jamie?
Do you want a little one?
Oh, I don't think
I'd be a very good mother.
But if I ever have a kid,
I think it'll be in a hospital
under heavy sedation.
Can I have some water,
please?
Sure.
Do you want with gas
or without?
Whatever you have.
Ah!
Honey, oh, you came.
Got back early
for a change.
[Amber screams]
Oh, God.
You okay?
Aah!
I'll get the car.
(man)
Is she all right?
(woman)
Call an ambulance.
Are you sure you don't want
to call the father?
I have to tell you.
You've been so generous...
Everything's
gonna be fine.
And so maternal,
a friend,
really.
Move on down.
Even though...
What are you doing?
She needs to get into the car.
Leave her alone.
She needs to get
into the car.
For God's sakes,
come on.
(Amber)
I am so sorry.
Amber.
It was only once.
He promised me
he would let you know.
You fucking dick.
Look, I...
What's this?
Oh, that is so sweet.
Maybe I could get some of that...
that kiwi chicken.
You used to love that.
No!
Where do you girls
get these guys?
I wasn't such a bad example.
I mean,
if your mother hadn't...
It's not her fault.
What's today?
It's Tuesday.
What happened
to Sunday and Monday?
You're reading Mommy's diary?
Yeah.
Hey, Jamie.
My mid-cervicals
haven't rotated in a week.
My therapist thinks they were
protesting against Paul.
Thai.
Yeah, she's naming products
for Mick's show.
They're doing a takeoff
on the Home Shopping Network.
All right,
I'll see you at work.
Okay. I love you too, Daddy.
Bye.
I can't think of anything.
Well, maybe Mick
will let you have the weekend.
Just tell him
that you're not feeling well.
Then I can't see him
on Saturday.
Are you going out with him?
No, it's not a date.
It's just, you know...
it's not...
it's a day thing.
We're going to Tanya's party.
That's my celibacy calendar.
Laura gave it to me.
(Mick)
So on day 90,
you plan to break your vows?
I don't know yet.
I've been in so many
fucked-up relationships.
I think I want to know the guy
before I take my clothes off
next time.
Do you know me?
A little.
But we're just friends.
No, um, I like you.
And you're different.
You mean because I talk funny
and I wear rat suits?
[Laughs]
Yeah, uh, that
and, um...
you're not a jerk.
Does that mean
you couldn't fancy me
because I'm not a jerk?
No, it means I might fancy you
even though you're not a jerk.
Well, then...
What?
Could I kiss you?
Is that allowed?
No.
[People chatting]
Your father really adores you.
He doesn't adore me.
He adores Laura.
No, I saw the way
he looked at you.
I think my mother
adored me.
I know.
I know,
but your father does too.
[People chatting]
(Laura)
Hi, I'm Laura.
Nice to meet you.
No, that's for ice.
Naughty.
You're naughty.
That hurt.
Let's go.
Did you know
he'd be there?
Well, he's a friend
of Tanya's.
So you thought you'd
bring me along just in case.
No, I really wanted you
to come,
and I told you
John and I are just friends.
Then why did you bolt
when you spotted him
with that woman?
I've done
the triangle thing before.
I didn't like it.
Beep!
Laura, who is she?
Call me right away.
(Sandy)
I can't believe it.
I cooked her this incredible
Australian lamb dinner.
You liar.
Okay, I ordered it.
It was still incredible.
She ate three platefuls,
and then she dumped me.
We were gonna
have a baby together.
Don't worry.
You'll find somebody else
tomorrow.
[Sighs]
You know,
Jamie's pretty cute.
I'd take her,
except I don't think
she's homosexually inclined.
She doesn't like me either.
It's weird having a living thing
in me again.
Well, it's weird
putting my living thing
in you again.
[Whining]
[Door slams]
(John)
What are you doing here?
I'm spying on you.
Fuck.
What does it look like?
That's what it looks like.
Where's your boyfriend?
I don't have a boyfriend.
Mick is not my boyfriend.
He's just a friend.
I can't believe that you're
pulling this bullshit
after all that "I'll see you
in the moonlight" bullshit.
You know what?
Just go back to Martha.
If you would just slow down
just for a second,
I'd invite you in
to meet my sister.
Your sister.
Yes, my sister.
I saw you.
You spanked your "sister"
after she slapped you
on the ass.
For Christ's sake,
we've been doing that
since we were kids.
I'm sure it has all sorts
of incestuous connotations,
but I'm not in touch
with them.
I feel like an idiot.
Uh, I'm gonna go now.
She'd really like
to meet you.
No, I'm really gonna go now.
[Applause]
[Buzzer]
Oh!
Good shot.
You're letting me win.
Absolutely not.
What, are you wearing
women's clothing now?
Only hats and bras.
No, it's, uh...
it's a present from my mom.
She hasn't been with anyone
in 20 years,
since my dad.
Were they divorced?
No.
He just got up and left
one day.
What a jerk.
Not really.
He was a good man,
for an Irishman.
Never touched a drink,
never said "fuck,"
good dad.
Would you mind
looking after Molly
for a while
while I'm gone?
You're going away?
To Dublin.
Dublin!
And then I'm taking my mom
to Paris.
She's never been.
That sounds wonderful.
Yeah, I'd love to take her.
Molly's having babies.
I think I'm gonna vomit.
Oh.
Maybe you need a doctor.
Oh, no, it's...
it's morning sickness.
Congratulations.
That's what you wanted,
right?
Well, I had some artificial
insemination fantasies,
but this one
was heterosexual penetration.
Oh.
I thought you were gay now.
I'm bisexual.
I just prefer women.
Wow, what are you gonna do?
Well, I'm gonna have it.
I'm even thinking
of getting married again.
With the father?
Mm-hmm.
Well, Mick's a good husband.
He'd make a great dad.
Mick?
Mick's the father?
Did you know
he was fucking Sandy?
No.
No, of course not.
I would have told you that.
I thought we were friends.
Friends tell each other
things like that.
You think we should tell Jamie?
What would we say?
That we're friends.
Then she might think
that we're more than friends.
But we're not.
I know, but she could think.
You're right.
You're right.
You're smoking now.
[Phone ringing]
(John)
Yeah, this is John.
I'm out,
so please leave a message.
Thank you.
Beep!
Oh, God, I can't.
[Phone rings]
Hello.
I got back early.
What are you up to tonight?
Uh, I... have a lot of work.
Then I'll just stop by tomorrow
and pick up Molly.
I brought you a present.
My old Irish sweater
from when I was a kid.
No, Irish fisherman's sweater.
But non-Irish non-fishers
are permitted to wear them.
You know, looks kind of big.
Maybe you should just keep it.
[Teakettle whistling]
Molly and Ike are having...
Babies.
Jamie,
I have something
to tell you.
I already know.
Why didn't you tell me?
Well, I only found out about it
last night.
Why are you lying?
I found out last week
you were getting married.
Married?
You're marrying Sandy.
Why would I marry
a lesbian,
especially one
that I've already divorced?
Last night,
she mumbled something,
but no.
So how'd she... get pregnant?
I went over there one night
right after her girlfriend
walked out.
You wanted to make her
feel better?
No, I wanted me
to feel better.
It was right after
Tanya's party.
So it only happened once.
Oh, yeah.
We were drunk and...
the condom fell off inside her
right after.
Well...
You get the idea.
So you happy
about being a father?
Yeah.
I'm terrified.
But, um,
I'm gonna be here for this kid
no matter what.
That's great.
They don't look
like sisters.
I'm thinking
about breaking my celibacy.
With who?
Mick.
That's great.
You know what's weird?
If I hadn't been celibate
and gotten to know Mick,
I'd probably be with John
right now,
even though he's really
not right for me.
Yeah.
He's not of my world,
you know?
He doesn't know Homer Simpson.
Jamie, you've been
with a lot of guys.
And I'm sure
they all knew Homer Simpson,
and they were idiots.
Are you saying
I should be with John?
I didn't say that.
Hey, you're probably making
the right choice.
Mick's a goofball
just like you.
[Laughs]
Anyway, John, was, you know...
he was your teacher, and...
and he's kind of cerebral
like Daddy.
It's probably an Oedipal thing.
Yeah, that's your territory.
Oh, yeah, right.
Are you gonna tell John?
It's Mick.
Um, yup.
Well, I saw that one coming
a mile off.
You could be
more disappointed.
I want you to be happy.
You could still be
more disappointed.
I am. I'm crushed.
So you've got five days
of celibacy left.
Uh, yeah,
midnight Friday.
Any plans to celebrate?
Mm-mm, not yet.
Would you, uh,
like to celebrate with me?
Celebrate how?
We could go somewhere...
separate bedrooms, of course.
One would be cheaper.
I'm pretending to be calm
right now.
Blue.
[Jamie laughs]
I'm nervous.
It's not like
I haven't done this before.
I thought the whole idea
was that...
you hadn't
done this before.
Are you nervous?
Fucking hell, yeah.
Should we lie down?
Do you want me
to make the first move,
or would you like to?
You can.
What do you like?
Um, ear kissing.
Ear kissing.
Left or right?
Left.
Left?
Come here.
[Laughs]
How do I look?
Blue is a very good color
on you.
I like you a lot,
Jamie Harris.
Um...
This, uh...
What? What's wrong?
This, uh... this...
this is weird.
It's weird.
Do you want me to stop?
Why don't you come?
Not if you're not going to.
I feel bad.
Mm.
Look at me. Look at me.
Look at me. Look at me.
Thank you.
Okay, lay back.
Lay back. Lay back.
[Shrieks]
Jamie, I need to know something.
What?
You're not gonna be...
off having sex
with other blokes, are you?
Are... are you...
are you asking, like,
for a commitment?
Yeah, I am.
I've never, uh...
Well, I mean, nobody's...
I've never done that.
Well, I don't want
to be worrying
you're off
with some asshole.
That would be pretty stupid
when I could be with you.
People do stupid things,
especially when there's nothing
keeping them from doing them.
Okay.
Okay what?
Okay, let's do it.
Okay.
Oh, I cannot believe I just went
from celibacy to monogamy
in one weekend.
Are you sure that's healthy?
Only in this case.
I need a name
for a cleanser,
something like Mr. Clean.
What about Mrs. Clean?
Huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
I love you.
You do?
No one's ever said that to me.
So you've...
you've never said it
to anyone?
Well...
how do you feel
about giving it a try?
You don't have to.
I think I can do it.
I love you.
What'd you say?
Oh, my God, guys,
be careful.
Whoa!
(Laura)
Where do you want this?
(Jamie)
Uh, turtles,
put them over there.
Mmmmmm.
Did you hear that?
I got to go to my birthing class
in five minutes.
Just when I'm beating you?
Do you have to?
Tonight's the umbilical cord.
I have to learn about that.
Why?
Just gonna cut it off.
Jamie!
Well, you know, I'm sorry.
You're just always thinking
about the kid,
and it's not even
been born yet.
Fuck, I don't think I'm ready
to be a stepmother
or step-girlfriend, whatever.
I don't even know
what a mother does.
You'll learn.
It's just hard
'cause you don't have
a mother of your own.
[Phone rings]
(Jamie)
Hi, leave messages for Jamie
or Mick after the beep.
You can reach Jamie
at her old number
during the day.
Beep!
(Mick)
Hi, I have to work late.
Don't wait up for me.
Bye.
[Whirring]
[Phone rings]
Hello.
(man)
Hi, this is Mark,
Mick's new assistant.
Is he there?
He's at work.
Uh, I'll get him on his cell.
Okay.
[Touch tones]
[Phone rings]
(Mick)
Hi.
Hey. How's work?
I'm busy.
I'm the middle...
can I call you back?
Yeah, you know,
don't bother.
[Woman laughing]
(Grant-Lee Phillips)
Hey.
Your arms look good.
The casts, remember?
Zzzz!
Oh, hey. Yeah, right.
Want to get a drink?
[Horn honks]
You know, I've had
a crush on you, uh,
ever since...
Since I was a vegetable?
Yeah, well.
I promise...
I never acted on it.
Why not?
I can't do this.
Whoa, go ahead.
I have to go.
Where have you been?
I, um, went for a drink
after watching you
finger the woman
who fucked my sister's husband.
Jamie.
I was practicing
water birthing.
Sandy was in the next room
with Amber's baby.
I don't understand.
Amber's become
a water birthing coach.
And she's practicing with you?
And Sandy.
What?
What are... what are...
Sandy and Amber are an item.
Amber didn't want you
to know yet
because she thinks
you and Laura still hate her.
Where have you been?
I went for a drink...
or seven.
I can smell him.
I didn't do it.
No, no, no, no,
I didn't do it.
I couldn't.
I went there.
I tried.
Oh, he was too drunk
to get it up?
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I just... we just made out
a little bit.
I was really, really drunk,
and I couldn't do it.
I couldn't do it. I'm...
Fuck.
Please.
How am I supposed
to trust you?
Next time, you'll just
get a little drunker and...
No, I thought
you didn't love me anymore.
Well, now you've made sure
of that, haven't you?
You didn't learn a thing
from celibacy.
You're still fucked up,
and now you're
fucking me up too.
I made a mistake.
I saw Amber. L...
Even if I was with her,
wouldn't you just yell at me
or beat me up?
But no, you just went off
with some bloke.
I thought you'd changed.
Laura?
What the fuck is this?
Oh, God, Jamie! Oh!
Oh, sweetie,
I'm so sorry.
We meant to tell you,
but it just...
we just started
running together, and...
You were already with Mick.
(Grant-Lee Phillips)
(Mr. Harris)
Jamie, you've got
to eat something.
Not gonna let you...
Don't worry.
I'm not killing myself.
That's what your mother said,
and I believed her.
What?
I let your mother kill herself.
You did not.
I'm the one who went off
with Mary Marks
and left Mommy alone.
It is not your fault.
It's not your fault either,
Daddy.
Hi, uh,
I just... I just wanted
to say that, um,
you know that stuff
that you said about me
about how I haven't changed?
I wanted you to know...
I've been thinking
about it a lot.
[Baby crying]
[People chatting]
He's the right one for her,
and she's the right one for him.
Oh, Amber, please.
[Glasses clinking]
Everyone, I think it's time
for a little toast,
so everyone grab a drink
and give me your ear
for a minute.
Well, my father always liked
to make little deals with me.
In seventh grade, it was,
"I'll give you $10
if you're home by midnight
and you don't smell
like cigarettes."
[Laughter]
Oh, God, this is bad.
Okay, he made a big deal today,
and he, um, got married.
Let's do a toast
to the newlyweds.
[Knocking at door]
Dad.
Okay.
I'll give you $100
if you'll let us
stay in the bedroom.
[Laughter and applause]
Toast.
Cheers.
Oh, ooh, honey.
Oh, you're hungry.
How is Mick?
Uh, well,
I promised I wouldn't
talk to you about him,
but since you asked,
I will.
Uh, well, at least
he's reading your emails,
and, uh, well, you know,
he's better.
At least he's not shouting at me
all the time.
He's fine, really.
She has his ears.
You think so?
(Mick)
No, they're much nicer ears.
Oh, Daddy.
Come here.
(Sandy)
Daddy's here.
(Mick)
What's wrong?
What's wrong?
Did you miss me?
Did you?
Cutie. You're so cute.
Yeah, it's a diaper change.
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
Two or three years,
she'll be toilet trained.
Good to see you. Cheers.
Cheers.
I love her more
than I ever could have imagined.
She's taught me so much.
Yeah, like what?
Like...
I shouldn't hold it
against someone
if she shits on me
once in a while.
As long as she's sorry.
I am.
Me too.
I got all high and mighty,
and I couldn't let go of it.
I want us back.
I want us.
Are you sure?
Oh, um...
Shut up!
[Baby crying]
She's very easy, really.
Captioning by CaptionMax
[soft guitar music]
(Grant-Lee Phillips)
[mellow guitar music]
Done by (c) dCd / April 2011
Tuesday, 10:03 a.m.
(man #1)
Yeah, Jamie, hi.
Uh, it turns out I'm not really
gonna be around Thursday night,
so, uh...
beep!
(answering machine)
Sunday, 12:29 a.m.
(man #2)
Jamie, you were really great,
but, uh, I met someone else.
Beep!
(man #3)
I, uh... I wanted to, um...
I got to work tonight,
but, uh, so maybe...
I'm thinking sometime next week
or, uh, week after that or...
I'll give you a ring.
Beep!
(man #4)
Listen, I... I hate to leave this
on an answering machine.
I mean...
beep!
(man #5)
I still kind of have
a girlfriend,
but if you're cool with that...
beep!
(man #6)
I'm not ready.
Beep!
(man #7)
I don't know how to say this,
so I'm just gonna say it.
Beep!
(man #8)
I don't really believe
in monogamy.
Beep!
(answering machine)
Monday, 10:32 a.m.
(man #1)
Something's kind of come up,
so, um, I'll call you
on Thursday.
(answering machine)
Thursday, 4:53 p.m.
No messages.
Beep!
Tuesday, 10:03 a.m.
(woman)
Hello, this is Marian Simms,
and I'm calling about
your Capital Three credit card.
We have...
beep!
Beep!
(answering machine)
No messages.
Beep!
No messages.
Beep!
Beep!
(man #1)
Yeah, uh...
beep!
My sister's boyfriend's
brother's got his...
beep!
I'll call you?
Beep!
Beep!
I think it's time for us
to see other people.
Beep!
(man #9)
I need some time alone.
Beep!
(man #10)
It's the timing, really.
Beep!
(man #1)
Yeah, um, and if you want,
you can just...
you can keep the TV.
[Applause on TV]
(man)
We've been getting a lot
of mail wanting to know more
about my incredible
sexual adventures.
So tonight,
I'd like to invite you
to come to my boudoir,
as we say in the French-speaking
part of Ireland.
[Phone ringing]
Hello.
Jamie, I can't go
tomorrow night.
Laura, you promised.
I know,
but Paul and I have to finish
the hospital blueprints
by the end of the week.
We just worked till midnight.
My neck is killing me.
I think my mid-cervicals
just rotated.
I thought they rotated
yesterday.
Well, they rotated yesterday,
and then they rotated back
this morning,
and then they re-rotated
this afternoon.
Come on, Laura,
you have to come with me.
If I go alone, I'm gonna look
like some kind of poetry groupie
trying to pick him up.
You know I ruined
his romantic poetry class?
I used to bring up
Lord Byron's pubic hair.
What?
Lord Byron used to send
pubic hair to his lovers.
You're smoking, aren't you?
I can tell by the way
you're talking.
I am not. It's not lit.
It's just a pacifier.
[Softly]
Just a minute.
Jamie, I have to go to bed.
Paul and I are, um,
meeting Daddy for...
for breakfast
tomorrow morning.
You want to come?
No, I just saw Dad.
I'm still recovering.
So are you gonna come with me
to the bookstore tomorrow
at 6:45?
He'd better not be
another one of those...
He's not a jerk. I promise.
(woman)
Hi, everybody.
May I have your attention?
Hi, I'm Tanya Wright.
Tonight we have
John Kalicharan with us.
Doubt Me Not is John's
eighth book of poetry.
Eight books.
[Applause]
(woman)
He's brilliant.
He's very attractive.
Well, first of all, I'd like
to thank you all for coming.
[Velcro tearing]
I'm very grateful.
Thank you.
"Her left eye
is only a golden blur,
"her ear a vast
musical instrument
"of flesh.
"The moon
spills off my shoulder,
slides into her face."
Thank you so much for coming.
Enjoy the book.
What should I say?
Just be your adorable self.
[People chatting]
Do you remember me?
Jamie Harris.
The romantic poetry seminar
at Bard.
You were very...
I think you challenged
everything I said.
Well, it was nice
seeing you again.
I don't hold it
against you.
Why not?
When are you going back
to New York?
I'm not.
I moved here
a couple of months ago.
By yourself or...
I lived with a woman
for eight years,
but it ended.
Are you with someone or...
Oh, uh, I'm in a really
destructive relationship...
with myself.
Jamie, do not
sleep with him tonight.
No, I won't.
You don't want
to blow this.
He is very promising,
more than anybody
that you've ever...
Okay, Laura,
I will not fuck him.
Can I kiss him?
No.
Come in.
(John)
Nice big hammock.
Oh, yeah, it's a tanning bed.
It's guaranteed to give you
skin cancer within five years.
I named it,
so they gave me one.
You named it?
Mm-hmm.
I name products.
That's what I do.
Do you want a drink?
Yeah. Have you got any wine?
Uh, I don't think so.
I got some scotch.
Rusty water in tuna brine.
(John)
I saw a liquor store
on Wilshire.
I'll be right back.
No, no. I'm not doing it.
I'm not doing it.
I am not.
No.
And I brought you a gift.
Oh, it's beautiful.
I think it sort of matches
what you're wearing.
Sort of. It...
[laughs]
[Chuckles]
Thank you.
I'll be right back.
Have you got an opener?
I'm not having sex.
I'm sorry.
L-I thought...
I mean, I shouldn't
have assumed that...
I feel like an idiot.
I'm really very sorry.
Wait!
You're amazing.
You too.
I can't... I can't believe this.
You can't believe what?
I'll tell you, um,
when I know you better.
I will know you better.
Yes.
[Lawn mower roaring]
John?
Fuck!
Jamie, why do you always
do this?
It is so self-destructive.
Well, he was leaving,
and I thought I was never
gonna see him again.
I just thought sex
was my last chance.
Well, either you're not
a great fuck...
which I think is unlikely,
given all your practice...
or being a great fuck
doesn't make any difference.
Hey.
Either way,
you're screwed.
Um, James, I got to go.
Good morning.
[Laughs]
All right, so how many
did you have yesterday?
I didn't have any all day.
Uh-huh.
And then?
And then I had, like,
10 or 15.
Oh, no!
But less than a pack.
Martin, the circumstances
were extenuating.
Yeah, you smell like sex.
Do I smell
like incredible sex?
[Sniffs]
Well, either that
or a lot of average sex.
Rowr-rowr!
[Laughs]
[Sighs]
Hmm.
All right, who is he?
Does he have a nice soul?
He was my teacher.
And his soul looks good.
An older man.
Well, this could be positive.
[Knock at door]
Sorry, sorry!
My fly is stuck.
I have an acupuncture
appointment with Martin Mars.
I'm the headache.
I swear, I'm no more perverted
than the next bloke.
I'll pull my shirt out.
Lucky for you, it's...
it's extra large.
Not that that's so small.
Well, medium, maybe.
You look like me mum's
sewing cushion.
What are you in for?
Smoking.
I'm an addict.
You're Mick McCabe.
That would be me, yeah.
Comedy Central at midnight,
hoping you'll laugh once
before you...
[together]
Conk out.
Yeah, I watch you
after The Simpsons.
I love The Simpsons.
Simpsons is brilliant.
Me, I'm just...
You're funny too.
Silly Irish loudmouth.
Do they hurt?
Oh, they're like rabies shots,
only worse.
[Laughs]
(Grant-Lee Phillips)
There used to be
another one of those,
but my ex, Martha, took it.
(Grant-Lee Phillips)
Well, you know,
I had a crush on you
which, of course,
I couldn't act on.
Is that why
you totally ignored me?
Yeah.
(Grant-Lee Phillips)
(Jamie)
When I was little,
my mom used to read me
this book
called Goodnight Moon.
Every night, we'd say,
"Night-night, lune.
See you soon."
That's lovely.
(Grant-Lee Phillips)
[laughter]
I name anything...
colored tampons,
eyedrops that correct
your vision for 13 minutes.
You name it, I name it.
What a brilliant job.
Not really.
Sometimes I get
a brilliant idea;
they never use it.
We should have you on the show.
You're kidding.
No, I'm very serious.
Yeah.
You'll be getting a call
from my producer tomorrow.
So how did you get into
this line of business?
Well, I've been a vegan
since my childhood dog,
Butch, died.
I couldn't reconcile
my love of animals
with my sadomasochistic
lifestyle.
[Laughter]
S&M attire is 99% leather.
Though I now believe
that my new line
of nonanimal
all-natural products
will finally bring sadomasochism
to the holistic market.
[Laughter]
Wonderful.
That's gonna be me
in 48 hours.
What if I can't think
of anything funny to say?
You're much more amusing
than he is.
(man)
I think it went well.
Much more.
(Mick)
Good for you, Tom.
I guess I better get going.
(Jamie)
Okay.
(John)
It was really lovely
to meet you.
It's a shame your husband
couldn't come, though.
Yeah, well, he, uh,
doesn't socialize much.
You know,
he works all the time,
as all architects do.
Does that mean
that you work all the time?
Yeah, pretty much.
With that, we leave you.
We'll be back
in two minutes.
Don't go away.
Oh, man.
Can we please have sex
before I embarrass myself
on national television
and have to move
to a TV-free island?
Jamie, we...
Jamie.
We have to talk.
Oh, what?
Martha just showed up.
She said that she wants
to get back together.
You... why, do you want
to get back together with her?
I thought...
I wasn't expecting this.
I was hoping for this
before I met you.
Oh.
I thought I was gonna have kids
with Martha.
We'd been together
for so long.
No, that's right.
She's... you've...
She's the one,
and I'm just the easy chick.
No, that is not
how I think of you.
That is not
how I think of you, Jamie.
(Laura)
I can't believe John did this.
He seemed so great.
Maybe I'm just gonna cancel.
You know, I'm sure they've got
an obscene parrot
they can call
at the last minute.
I can't find my wallet.
Jamie, is something wrong?
My boyfriend broke up with me.
That's too bad.
But you didn't know him
for very long, did you?
Dad.
Thanks, Dad.
That's a big help.
I just meant that, uh...
I was trying, you know...
It's harder the longer
that you know someone.
That's all.
(woman)
It was in the Xerox machine.
Your 2:00 is on his way up.
I have to go.
Don't worry, Jamie.
There's someone out there
who's right for you.
Yeah, well,
what if I never meet him?
What if he's rotting
in a Peruvian prison?
I know.
You feel hurt right now.
Amber, I do not know
how you can be so optimistic.
I mean,
you date a lot of...
Shitheads,
but eventually
I'll find someone incredible.
I'm gonna cancel.
No, you're not.
(woman)
Hi.
I'm Sandy Clarke,
Mick's producer.
We spoke
on the phone.
This is Big Tex.
Oh, you look great,
especially the lips.
[Buzzer]
Uh, just want to let you know
we're gonna end
with the vaginal
odor warning strips.
(Mick)
So tell us, Jamie.
How did you become a namer?
I had a roommate
who sold medical supplies.
She got me my first job.
Which was?
Naming a catheter.
[Laughter]
I wanted to call it
Urine Trouble,
but they wanted something
more positive.
It wasn't so negative.
It could have been called
Urine Bloody Deep Shit.
[Laughs]
Actually,
you're not allowed to mention
blood or shit
or piss or come,
but gas is fine.
[Laughter]
Um, so after catheters,
I moved on to antidepressants.
Ooh.
I named Upanol.
I took Upanol.
I nearly went impotent.
[Laughs]
[Clears throat]
So you're gonna name an SUV.
Where do you start...
by taking a meeting
with those buggers
at General Motors?
Oh, I don't get those jobs.
I get really weird jobs,
like electric strollers
with global positioning.
But someday, hopefully,
you'll graduate onto
the off-road vehicles.
Maybe.
But those jobs are boring.
They all want the same thing...
a new Cherokee.
There's only one minority
for car manufacturers:
American Indians.
You're never gonna see
a four-door Korean
with air-conditioning
and power steering
or a fully loaded
Black Jeep Jew.
[Laughs]
[Applause]
You know, someone very important
left me a few years ago,
and it was hell for a while,
but you get over it, and...
and hopefully you do better
next time.
[Sighs]
That's probably not
much consolation right now.
Oh.
It's okay.
I'm sorry.
Are you okay?
Hey, I have your rings!
[Bell ringing]
[Bell ringing]
Hey, wait!
Why...
Why are you doing this?
Please talk to me.
My husband left me.
He said our relationship
had grown stale.
I thought we were happy.
I, uh...
We have a son.
He doesn't talk. He...
We don't talk.
He won't even know I'm gone.
Yes, he will.
You know, my mother died
20 years ago.
I miss her every day.
She killed herself.
I guess that was
a pretty selfish thing to do.
She couldn't help it.
Could you please
come down with me?
That's good.
[Screams]
[Loud thud]
[Siren wailing]
[Monitor beeping]
(Tanya)
I, uh, thought you might, uh,
like to read some books.
Well, that's, uh...
that's a nice thing to do.
So, uh,
how do you know Jamie?
She, uh... she's been coming
to my bookstore
since she was
a little girl.
She was some kid.
Yeah.
I know you probably think
that I'm unspeakable,
but I have to see Jamie.
Please go.
Look, I have to see her.
(Laura)
She doesn't want to see you.
(John)
Sometimes people in comas
can hear what you're saying.
I thought if she could hear me,
if she could hear my voice,
she might want to know
how much...
We'll leave them for her.
Thanks very much.
It might make her happy.
I dreamt I fucked Homer Simpson.
Did John come?
No.
But everybody else
has been great.
Tanya's been here
a couple times,
and Mick.
I think I had a dream
about Mick.
So you did it with Mick
and Homer Simpson
at the same time?
That's a little freaky, Jamie.
I could have died.
"Dear Jamie,
"I just wanted to thank you
for saving my life.
"I'm in a hospital,
"so I have
a lot of time to think.
"I hope
you're recovering quickly.
All my best,
Jackie Smithson."
You look like your mother.
Beep!
[John on answering machine]
Jamie, Jamie, pick up.
You don't need to deal
with that right now.
Play.
(John)
I've made a terrible mistake.
We don't care.
Play.
(John)
I saw her tonight. I knew.
I really am over her
completely.
What do you think
of that "completely"?
I think he's protesting
too much.
He doesn't need the "really"
and the "completely."
Play it again.
Beep!
(John)
I really am over her
completely.
He's clearly not stable.
One minute, he's out the door;
the next, he's on his knees.
Sweetie, you've been
through so much lately.
Maybe you shouldn't
call him back for a while.
Just wait
till you feel stronger.
I've only known him
for two weeks,
not counting
the two years in college
I spent fantasizing about him.
What if, all of a sudden,
he really, truly,
completely decides
he wants to be with Martha?
Here, here.
Here.
There you go.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You're better off alone
right now.
You don't want
another flaky boyfriend.
(Jamie)
This is my life.
I'm just a pathetic
jerk magnet.
Wow, you're pretty hard
on yourself.
I don't know.
Just trying
to face the facts.
What do you think
about celibacy?
I think it sucks.
I'm not talking about you.
[Laughs]
I'm thinking celibacy might be
a really good thing for me.
I just don't want to keep doing
what I've been doing.
It hurts too much.
So I thought maybe
if I just spent time with men
without the possibility
of sex.
I think
that's a beautiful idea.
And it doesn't have to be
for the rest of my life.
I'm thinking, like,
three months.
Think I'm still allowed
to masturbate?
As long as you're alone.
[Loud knocking]
I'm turning over a new leaf.
You're trying
to get pregnant?
I've taken a vow of celibacy.
But I brought you
a boyfriend.
Stay.
Stay. Steady.
Oh, Mick.
He's amazing.
Oh, I have always
wanted a pet.
What should I name him?
I don't know.
Isaac Newton?
Hello, Isaac.
I think he was celibate.
Wow.
You got him?
How about Ike?
I like Ike.
What do they eat?
My turtle Molly
eats worms and snails
and squirrels and small...
Okay, here.
I'm joking.
(Jamie)
He's been in there
for two days.
I think he has
botfly infestation.
He's probably just constipated.
I'm calling Mick.
(Mick)
Okay, Ike.
It's called an enema.
Yeah, see?
That wasn't so bad.
Handled that
like a real man.
Ooh.
Couldn't have done better
myself.
He's feeling it now.
[Ike farts]
Oh, fucking hell!
It's okay.
It's okay.
Uh, you know what?
Look, it's okay.
Sorry about that.
I thought we were friends.
And we are friends.
I'm just randy,
and it's been a while.
[Blow-dryer whirring]
[Knock at door]
Well,
I better be going.
You better change.
(Mick)
I wear skirts after work.
Gives the privates
a bit of fresh air.
I miss you.
Yeah, I miss you too.
That was staggering,
how you saved
that woman's life.
It was so scary.
"I love you"?
You can't write that.
I want you to go.
Please.
[Saw buzzing]
I think they look a lot better
in the casts.
You know,
when you were in your coma,
you kept screaming, "Homer."
Oh, no.
I studied Greek in college.
I was just wondering...
Um, it was a different Homer.
Well, um,
come back and see me
if you have any tingling
or numbness
or if you want to get a drink
or something sometime.
Uh, I'm celibate.
What's that like?
[Squeaking]
Whoa! No, be careful!
He's handicapped.
This, um,
Ike's lunch?
This is a Ratticus norvegicus.
Huh.
For the kids.
So how'd it go with John?
Not so good.
I saw you at the W.
She your type?
Oh, she was on the show.
But it wasn't a date.
That's good.
Oh, you don't want me
to date?
No, I didn't say that.
I just pictured you
with someone
who would at least
get your jokes.
I married someone
who got my jokes,
and that didn't end up
with a laugh.
You were married?
Oh, the one who left you.
I'm late for Martin,
but I had an idea
I wanted to talk to you about.
Could you stop by
the station tomorrow?
Sure.
You got two arms.
Very nice.
We're doing a home-shopping bit,
and we thought you could name
some of the products.
What do you think?
Uh, yeah, I guess so.
Say yes.
Say yes.
Great!
Okay, yes.
Bye, darling.
Ratman is wanted.
He is such a character.
[Chuckles]
How did you guys hook up?
Oh, in London
about ten years ago.
He was doing a sitcom,
and I was
the producer's assistant.
So you must have known him
for a really long time.
Mm-hmm.
I know him pretty well.
I mean, we were married.
Got ya.
It's true.
Wait, do you got me,
or is it true?
We were together
about seven years,
until I fell in love
with his wife...
his wife on the show.
Yeah.
Whoa.
Yeah, it was a little tough
getting through that one,
but, you know, now Mick and me,
we're good again.
Oh.
So, uh, how's that whole
celibacy thing going?
38 days.
It's okay.
(Tanya)
Hmm.
(Jamie)
Sometimes the nights are hard.
(Tanya)
Well, I've been
without a man
for over two years.
[Chuckles]
And I'm, uh,
tired of it.
Your casts are off.
Yeah, they cut them off.
I don't want to say
the wrong thing again.
And I was hoping...
I don't think
it's a good idea.
Well, your birthday's
coming up.
How do you know
it's my birthday?
Remember?
You showed me your license
where you looked just like
Homer Simpson.
You didn't even know
who Homer Simpson was.
Right, but couldn't I just
take you out to lunch anyway?
No.
Laura's having a birthday party
for me.
Maybe you could come to that.
[People chatting]
[Laughter]
Hey, John,
how are you?
Excuse me.
[Jamie laughing]
(Jamie)
I think he could.
I think he could go
all the way.
Happy birthday.
She's probably been getting
a lot of that today.
Maybe you should try
a better line.
What would you suggest?
Oh, how about,
"Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
My life hasn't been the same
since I met you."
I prefer "Happy birthday."
James,
why don't we go see
how Daddy's doing?
(Mr. Harris)
So you were saying?
(Tanya)
I was saying that your position
on corporate architecture,
if anything,
should be quite different.
I mean, I disagree.
Architecture
is absolutely political.
Right?
What about Albert Speer?
Your friend's been criticizing
my outmoded ideas.
She loves
to criticize.
No, no, no, no...
educate.
Albert Speer.
Oh, Dad.
She played
the Albert Speer card.
I did not.
(Mick)
I thought the unwrapping
would be later,
in private.
Oh, no, no, no,
that's okay.
Everybody knows
that I'm celibate.
[Laughter]
I didn't know.
Well, you usually don't like
to know about my sex life.
Maybe I've changed.
Daddy, you're acting weird.
Oh, oh.
Aw.
Thanks.
That is the book,
the one you had, isn't it?
You can get her Hello Sun
next year.
So are you still
with Mick's sitcom wife?
Oh, God, no.
She left me for a man,
her first cousin.
You know, English people
are so sick.
(Laura)
Jamie, Amber's here.
You came.
Yeah, just for a minute.
Your father
left his wallet
in the office last night,
and he just...
Oh, I am so jealous.
I'm dying to have a baby,
but my girlfriend wants me
to wait a bit.
May I?
I want to have it
in the bath.
I've been trying to get Paul
to have a kid,
but he's not ready.
I should go.
I'm really tired.
Jamie, you look great.
You look like you're having
a great party.
At least have some cake
or something to eat.
Come on.
Okay, but I really
have to go home.
I'm so tired.
How about you, Jamie?
Do you want a little one?
Oh, I don't think
I'd be a very good mother.
But if I ever have a kid,
I think it'll be in a hospital
under heavy sedation.
Can I have some water,
please?
Sure.
Do you want with gas
or without?
Whatever you have.
Ah!
Honey, oh, you came.
Got back early
for a change.
[Amber screams]
Oh, God.
You okay?
Aah!
I'll get the car.
(man)
Is she all right?
(woman)
Call an ambulance.
Are you sure you don't want
to call the father?
I have to tell you.
You've been so generous...
Everything's
gonna be fine.
And so maternal,
a friend,
really.
Move on down.
Even though...
What are you doing?
She needs to get into the car.
Leave her alone.
She needs to get
into the car.
For God's sakes,
come on.
(Amber)
I am so sorry.
Amber.
It was only once.
He promised me
he would let you know.
You fucking dick.
Look, I...
What's this?
Oh, that is so sweet.
Maybe I could get some of that...
that kiwi chicken.
You used to love that.
No!
Where do you girls
get these guys?
I wasn't such a bad example.
I mean,
if your mother hadn't...
It's not her fault.
What's today?
It's Tuesday.
What happened
to Sunday and Monday?
You're reading Mommy's diary?
Yeah.
Hey, Jamie.
My mid-cervicals
haven't rotated in a week.
My therapist thinks they were
protesting against Paul.
Thai.
Yeah, she's naming products
for Mick's show.
They're doing a takeoff
on the Home Shopping Network.
All right,
I'll see you at work.
Okay. I love you too, Daddy.
Bye.
I can't think of anything.
Well, maybe Mick
will let you have the weekend.
Just tell him
that you're not feeling well.
Then I can't see him
on Saturday.
Are you going out with him?
No, it's not a date.
It's just, you know...
it's not...
it's a day thing.
We're going to Tanya's party.
That's my celibacy calendar.
Laura gave it to me.
(Mick)
So on day 90,
you plan to break your vows?
I don't know yet.
I've been in so many
fucked-up relationships.
I think I want to know the guy
before I take my clothes off
next time.
Do you know me?
A little.
But we're just friends.
No, um, I like you.
And you're different.
You mean because I talk funny
and I wear rat suits?
[Laughs]
Yeah, uh, that
and, um...
you're not a jerk.
Does that mean
you couldn't fancy me
because I'm not a jerk?
No, it means I might fancy you
even though you're not a jerk.
Well, then...
What?
Could I kiss you?
Is that allowed?
No.
[People chatting]
Your father really adores you.
He doesn't adore me.
He adores Laura.
No, I saw the way
he looked at you.
I think my mother
adored me.
I know.
I know,
but your father does too.
[People chatting]
(Laura)
Hi, I'm Laura.
Nice to meet you.
No, that's for ice.
Naughty.
You're naughty.
That hurt.
Let's go.
Did you know
he'd be there?
Well, he's a friend
of Tanya's.
So you thought you'd
bring me along just in case.
No, I really wanted you
to come,
and I told you
John and I are just friends.
Then why did you bolt
when you spotted him
with that woman?
I've done
the triangle thing before.
I didn't like it.
Beep!
Laura, who is she?
Call me right away.
(Sandy)
I can't believe it.
I cooked her this incredible
Australian lamb dinner.
You liar.
Okay, I ordered it.
It was still incredible.
She ate three platefuls,
and then she dumped me.
We were gonna
have a baby together.
Don't worry.
You'll find somebody else
tomorrow.
[Sighs]
You know,
Jamie's pretty cute.
I'd take her,
except I don't think
she's homosexually inclined.
She doesn't like me either.
It's weird having a living thing
in me again.
Well, it's weird
putting my living thing
in you again.
[Whining]
[Door slams]
(John)
What are you doing here?
I'm spying on you.
Fuck.
What does it look like?
That's what it looks like.
Where's your boyfriend?
I don't have a boyfriend.
Mick is not my boyfriend.
He's just a friend.
I can't believe that you're
pulling this bullshit
after all that "I'll see you
in the moonlight" bullshit.
You know what?
Just go back to Martha.
If you would just slow down
just for a second,
I'd invite you in
to meet my sister.
Your sister.
Yes, my sister.
I saw you.
You spanked your "sister"
after she slapped you
on the ass.
For Christ's sake,
we've been doing that
since we were kids.
I'm sure it has all sorts
of incestuous connotations,
but I'm not in touch
with them.
I feel like an idiot.
Uh, I'm gonna go now.
She'd really like
to meet you.
No, I'm really gonna go now.
[Applause]
[Buzzer]
Oh!
Good shot.
You're letting me win.
Absolutely not.
What, are you wearing
women's clothing now?
Only hats and bras.
No, it's, uh...
it's a present from my mom.
She hasn't been with anyone
in 20 years,
since my dad.
Were they divorced?
No.
He just got up and left
one day.
What a jerk.
Not really.
He was a good man,
for an Irishman.
Never touched a drink,
never said "fuck,"
good dad.
Would you mind
looking after Molly
for a while
while I'm gone?
You're going away?
To Dublin.
Dublin!
And then I'm taking my mom
to Paris.
She's never been.
That sounds wonderful.
Yeah, I'd love to take her.
Molly's having babies.
I think I'm gonna vomit.
Oh.
Maybe you need a doctor.
Oh, no, it's...
it's morning sickness.
Congratulations.
That's what you wanted,
right?
Well, I had some artificial
insemination fantasies,
but this one
was heterosexual penetration.
Oh.
I thought you were gay now.
I'm bisexual.
I just prefer women.
Wow, what are you gonna do?
Well, I'm gonna have it.
I'm even thinking
of getting married again.
With the father?
Mm-hmm.
Well, Mick's a good husband.
He'd make a great dad.
Mick?
Mick's the father?
Did you know
he was fucking Sandy?
No.
No, of course not.
I would have told you that.
I thought we were friends.
Friends tell each other
things like that.
You think we should tell Jamie?
What would we say?
That we're friends.
Then she might think
that we're more than friends.
But we're not.
I know, but she could think.
You're right.
You're right.
You're smoking now.
[Phone ringing]
(John)
Yeah, this is John.
I'm out,
so please leave a message.
Thank you.
Beep!
Oh, God, I can't.
[Phone rings]
Hello.
I got back early.
What are you up to tonight?
Uh, I... have a lot of work.
Then I'll just stop by tomorrow
and pick up Molly.
I brought you a present.
My old Irish sweater
from when I was a kid.
No, Irish fisherman's sweater.
But non-Irish non-fishers
are permitted to wear them.
You know, looks kind of big.
Maybe you should just keep it.
[Teakettle whistling]
Molly and Ike are having...
Babies.
Jamie,
I have something
to tell you.
I already know.
Why didn't you tell me?
Well, I only found out about it
last night.
Why are you lying?
I found out last week
you were getting married.
Married?
You're marrying Sandy.
Why would I marry
a lesbian,
especially one
that I've already divorced?
Last night,
she mumbled something,
but no.
So how'd she... get pregnant?
I went over there one night
right after her girlfriend
walked out.
You wanted to make her
feel better?
No, I wanted me
to feel better.
It was right after
Tanya's party.
So it only happened once.
Oh, yeah.
We were drunk and...
the condom fell off inside her
right after.
Well...
You get the idea.
So you happy
about being a father?
Yeah.
I'm terrified.
But, um,
I'm gonna be here for this kid
no matter what.
That's great.
They don't look
like sisters.
I'm thinking
about breaking my celibacy.
With who?
Mick.
That's great.
You know what's weird?
If I hadn't been celibate
and gotten to know Mick,
I'd probably be with John
right now,
even though he's really
not right for me.
Yeah.
He's not of my world,
you know?
He doesn't know Homer Simpson.
Jamie, you've been
with a lot of guys.
And I'm sure
they all knew Homer Simpson,
and they were idiots.
Are you saying
I should be with John?
I didn't say that.
Hey, you're probably making
the right choice.
Mick's a goofball
just like you.
[Laughs]
Anyway, John, was, you know...
he was your teacher, and...
and he's kind of cerebral
like Daddy.
It's probably an Oedipal thing.
Yeah, that's your territory.
Oh, yeah, right.
Are you gonna tell John?
It's Mick.
Um, yup.
Well, I saw that one coming
a mile off.
You could be
more disappointed.
I want you to be happy.
You could still be
more disappointed.
I am. I'm crushed.
So you've got five days
of celibacy left.
Uh, yeah,
midnight Friday.
Any plans to celebrate?
Mm-mm, not yet.
Would you, uh,
like to celebrate with me?
Celebrate how?
We could go somewhere...
separate bedrooms, of course.
One would be cheaper.
I'm pretending to be calm
right now.
Blue.
[Jamie laughs]
I'm nervous.
It's not like
I haven't done this before.
I thought the whole idea
was that...
you hadn't
done this before.
Are you nervous?
Fucking hell, yeah.
Should we lie down?
Do you want me
to make the first move,
or would you like to?
You can.
What do you like?
Um, ear kissing.
Ear kissing.
Left or right?
Left.
Left?
Come here.
[Laughs]
How do I look?
Blue is a very good color
on you.
I like you a lot,
Jamie Harris.
Um...
This, uh...
What? What's wrong?
This, uh... this...
this is weird.
It's weird.
Do you want me to stop?
Why don't you come?
Not if you're not going to.
I feel bad.
Mm.
Look at me. Look at me.
Look at me. Look at me.
Thank you.
Okay, lay back.
Lay back. Lay back.
[Shrieks]
Jamie, I need to know something.
What?
You're not gonna be...
off having sex
with other blokes, are you?
Are... are you...
are you asking, like,
for a commitment?
Yeah, I am.
I've never, uh...
Well, I mean, nobody's...
I've never done that.
Well, I don't want
to be worrying
you're off
with some asshole.
That would be pretty stupid
when I could be with you.
People do stupid things,
especially when there's nothing
keeping them from doing them.
Okay.
Okay what?
Okay, let's do it.
Okay.
Oh, I cannot believe I just went
from celibacy to monogamy
in one weekend.
Are you sure that's healthy?
Only in this case.
I need a name
for a cleanser,
something like Mr. Clean.
What about Mrs. Clean?
Huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
I love you.
You do?
No one's ever said that to me.
So you've...
you've never said it
to anyone?
Well...
how do you feel
about giving it a try?
You don't have to.
I think I can do it.
I love you.
What'd you say?
Oh, my God, guys,
be careful.
Whoa!
(Laura)
Where do you want this?
(Jamie)
Uh, turtles,
put them over there.
Mmmmmm.
Did you hear that?
I got to go to my birthing class
in five minutes.
Just when I'm beating you?
Do you have to?
Tonight's the umbilical cord.
I have to learn about that.
Why?
Just gonna cut it off.
Jamie!
Well, you know, I'm sorry.
You're just always thinking
about the kid,
and it's not even
been born yet.
Fuck, I don't think I'm ready
to be a stepmother
or step-girlfriend, whatever.
I don't even know
what a mother does.
You'll learn.
It's just hard
'cause you don't have
a mother of your own.
[Phone rings]
(Jamie)
Hi, leave messages for Jamie
or Mick after the beep.
You can reach Jamie
at her old number
during the day.
Beep!
(Mick)
Hi, I have to work late.
Don't wait up for me.
Bye.
[Whirring]
[Phone rings]
Hello.
(man)
Hi, this is Mark,
Mick's new assistant.
Is he there?
He's at work.
Uh, I'll get him on his cell.
Okay.
[Touch tones]
[Phone rings]
(Mick)
Hi.
Hey. How's work?
I'm busy.
I'm the middle...
can I call you back?
Yeah, you know,
don't bother.
[Woman laughing]
(Grant-Lee Phillips)
Hey.
Your arms look good.
The casts, remember?
Zzzz!
Oh, hey. Yeah, right.
Want to get a drink?
[Horn honks]
You know, I've had
a crush on you, uh,
ever since...
Since I was a vegetable?
Yeah, well.
I promise...
I never acted on it.
Why not?
I can't do this.
Whoa, go ahead.
I have to go.
Where have you been?
I, um, went for a drink
after watching you
finger the woman
who fucked my sister's husband.
Jamie.
I was practicing
water birthing.
Sandy was in the next room
with Amber's baby.
I don't understand.
Amber's become
a water birthing coach.
And she's practicing with you?
And Sandy.
What?
What are... what are...
Sandy and Amber are an item.
Amber didn't want you
to know yet
because she thinks
you and Laura still hate her.
Where have you been?
I went for a drink...
or seven.
I can smell him.
I didn't do it.
No, no, no, no,
I didn't do it.
I couldn't.
I went there.
I tried.
Oh, he was too drunk
to get it up?
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I just... we just made out
a little bit.
I was really, really drunk,
and I couldn't do it.
I couldn't do it. I'm...
Fuck.
Please.
How am I supposed
to trust you?
Next time, you'll just
get a little drunker and...
No, I thought
you didn't love me anymore.
Well, now you've made sure
of that, haven't you?
You didn't learn a thing
from celibacy.
You're still fucked up,
and now you're
fucking me up too.
I made a mistake.
I saw Amber. L...
Even if I was with her,
wouldn't you just yell at me
or beat me up?
But no, you just went off
with some bloke.
I thought you'd changed.
Laura?
What the fuck is this?
Oh, God, Jamie! Oh!
Oh, sweetie,
I'm so sorry.
We meant to tell you,
but it just...
we just started
running together, and...
You were already with Mick.
(Grant-Lee Phillips)
(Mr. Harris)
Jamie, you've got
to eat something.
Not gonna let you...
Don't worry.
I'm not killing myself.
That's what your mother said,
and I believed her.
What?
I let your mother kill herself.
You did not.
I'm the one who went off
with Mary Marks
and left Mommy alone.
It is not your fault.
It's not your fault either,
Daddy.
Hi, uh,
I just... I just wanted
to say that, um,
you know that stuff
that you said about me
about how I haven't changed?
I wanted you to know...
I've been thinking
about it a lot.
[Baby crying]
[People chatting]
He's the right one for her,
and she's the right one for him.
Oh, Amber, please.
[Glasses clinking]
Everyone, I think it's time
for a little toast,
so everyone grab a drink
and give me your ear
for a minute.
Well, my father always liked
to make little deals with me.
In seventh grade, it was,
"I'll give you $10
if you're home by midnight
and you don't smell
like cigarettes."
[Laughter]
Oh, God, this is bad.
Okay, he made a big deal today,
and he, um, got married.
Let's do a toast
to the newlyweds.
[Knocking at door]
Dad.
Okay.
I'll give you $100
if you'll let us
stay in the bedroom.
[Laughter and applause]
Toast.
Cheers.
Oh, ooh, honey.
Oh, you're hungry.
How is Mick?
Uh, well,
I promised I wouldn't
talk to you about him,
but since you asked,
I will.
Uh, well, at least
he's reading your emails,
and, uh, well, you know,
he's better.
At least he's not shouting at me
all the time.
He's fine, really.
She has his ears.
You think so?
(Mick)
No, they're much nicer ears.
Oh, Daddy.
Come here.
(Sandy)
Daddy's here.
(Mick)
What's wrong?
What's wrong?
Did you miss me?
Did you?
Cutie. You're so cute.
Yeah, it's a diaper change.
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
Two or three years,
she'll be toilet trained.
Good to see you. Cheers.
Cheers.
I love her more
than I ever could have imagined.
She's taught me so much.
Yeah, like what?
Like...
I shouldn't hold it
against someone
if she shits on me
once in a while.
As long as she's sorry.
I am.
Me too.
I got all high and mighty,
and I couldn't let go of it.
I want us back.
I want us.
Are you sure?
Oh, um...
Shut up!
[Baby crying]
She's very easy, really.
Captioning by CaptionMax
[soft guitar music]
(Grant-Lee Phillips)
[mellow guitar music]
Done by (c) dCd / April 2011