Easy to Love (1934) Movie Script

Number 27. Red.
Cash please.
Why is it I can't seem to win even
with you here to bring me luck?
Maybe your luck is in love tonight.
- You think so?
I won a couple of hundred.
- Yeah. You always win.
I'm ahead too.
- Your luck is in love too.
Is it Eric?
Silly. How should I know?
- We seem to be the only losers.
Good. Then we can console each other.
Which leaves us to rejoice
together, Charlotte.
Let's go before they have any
more cause for jubilation.
And I was just getting into my stride.
Make your bets. Make your bets.
It's time we were going home anyway.
You know it's getting late.
And I have to be at the
office early for a change.
Somehow Eric, it's very hard to
think of you as a businessman.
Eric Sholti. The dead fish king.
Sardines, if you please.
What are sardines but fish?
And you certainly don't can live ones.
Just the same, I prefer 'sardine king'
if you must allude to my occupation.
Now don't let him tease you, Eric.
Stop it, John.
Thank you, Carol. I can always
depend on you to come to my aid.
Give me the kitchen.
Snap into it. Looks like a fat tip.
- Hold on a minute.
- Yes?
The losers ride in my car
and the winners in yours.
Should I allow it?
You're my husband. What do you say?
- Of course.
Charlotte and I ride together.
It seems I'm not being
consulted in this arrangement.
Perhaps I'd rather ride with Eric.
- No, no.
Ride with John. I pick you
you up and take you home.
If you insist.
Send up a glass of milk
and a sardine sandwich.
Oh there you are. Come along, Eric.
Get up. You look so silly
down on your knees like that.
I just want to tell you
how much I love you.
Well, you can tell me just
as well sitting as kneeling.
I don't think John would like you
saying such things to his wife.
I'm getting to the point that I
don't care that for your husband.
He is just my best friend.
But you? Why, you're
the woman I simply ..
Look at the dust on your knees.
I'm a one-woman man.
We Sholtis have always been like that.
Isn't it. It's a new flavor.
It is tasty.
I bought it for you.
I knew you would like it.
John, I want you to come home with me.
Now, that's impossible.
- I know it is.
It shouldn't be.
Carol is so lucky.
Having you all to herself.
Now dear. You promised you wouldn't ..
- Alright.
I won't mention it again.
Coming to see me tomorrow?
- Don't I see you every day?
I'll expect you at the usual time.
2:30. Sharp.
Not a minute later.
A sandwich please, Andrews.
Thank you.
- Thank you, Andrews.
Tell you what we do.
- Get married?
Or enter a dance marathon.
- I'd rather get married.
Andrews could be our trainer.
- If we were married.
He can follow us around with sandwiches.
He could do the same
thing if we were married.
Ever marry, Andrews?
- No, sir.
Too bad.
Will you ever talk about
anything but marriage?
That's good.
- After we are married.
That's just why I won't marry you.
Because you'll stop talking
about it afterwards.
I hear a motor. It's probably your
mother and father, Miss Janet.
Goodnight, Eric.
- Goodnight.
Isn't it intoxicating.
- The night.
Look at the moon.
It is heavenly.
It is getting terribly late, dear.
Forget the time.
Let's stay out here for a while.
But you're in a hurry to get home.
- Of course, silly.
To be with you.
John, look.
That young lady should be in bed.
Dance with me, John.
Oh, Carol.
Now, doesn't it remind you of something?
The night you proposed to me.
We were dancing together.
Just like that.
Darling, you're an incurable
romanticist. It seems to me that ..
It seems to you that after all these
years I should have gotten over it.
Well, I haven't and I hope I never will.
Kiss me.
Carol, dear. I'm awfully tired.
Too much polo.
Yes. I practice tomorrow
afternoon at 2:30.
And besides I've a director's
meeting in the morning at nine.
Come, Carol. It is time for bed.
And the Duchess could lie down and
die because the Duke would not ..
Darling, if you yawn again I'll
make you dance with me all night.
Oh, Lord.
- No, darling.
Let's go through the garden.
- Alright.
You might be a little more friendly.
Charlotte, the only reason I take
you out at all is to be near Carol.
- You know that.
She's the girl I'm simply mad about.
Don't be like that.
Charlotte, I will brook no nonsense.
Eric, you're killing me.
Good evening, sir.
- Hello, dad.
Hello children.
- Hello.
Judge, here are the culprits.
You're charged with dancing on the
veranda and walking in the garden.
A fine example for your daughter.
Guilty in the second degree.
Let the punishment fit the crime.
What shall it be, Your Honor?
You're hereby sentenced
to go to bed immediately.
And let that be a warning to you.
Have you no mercy, Judge?
- He's right. We're going to bed.
Let's follow their example.
I've never heard of such a thing.
Please. Just walking in the garden.
- I give you 5 minutes.
A bargain.
I'm just a slave girl in
the markets of old Egypt.
Are you coming up?
Directly, dear. Andrews is hovering over
the Scotch and I mustn't disappoint him.
Will you have a spot before you turn in?
- No thank you.
Hurry, won't you.
But I thought you didn't
want to go to bed.
John, you just won't understand.
Make it a stiff one, Andrews.
I'm a bit tired.
Not over doing it are you, sir?
- Overdoing it?
Polo is rather strenuous.
It is rather.
Particularly when one
does it every afternoon.
Thank you.
Why not give it up for a while, sir?
Perhaps I will. I'll think it over.
- It might be advisable.
Pardon me, sir.
You have a little bit of rouge
just behind your ear, sir.
No. The left ear, sir.
It's delicious.
Will that be all, sir?
That's all, Andrews.
- Goodnight, sir.
Goodnight, Andrews.
Well dear, I ..
I guess I will turn in.
It's funny the evolution of marriage.
First a double bed.
Then twin beds.
And now separate rooms.
You're becoming much
too sentimental, dear.
Now, you had better go off to sleep.
Goodnight, Carol.
Mrs Townsend is here.
Have her come in.
How do you do.
- How do you do, doctor.
Won't you sit down?
How is your charming daughter?
- Janet is very well, thank you.
Will you have a cigarette?
- Yes.
And John?
Apparently, quite healthy.
- Do you play polo, doctor?
Yes. As a matter of fact, I was
practising my strokes when you came in.
Do you play often?
- Almost every day. Patients permitting.
Don't you find it strenuous?
- On the contrary. It's great exercise.
But playing every day like that.
Isn't it very exhausting?
On the contrary. It promotes energy.
Then it can't be that.
Well, doctor.
It's very embarrassing but ..
For a long time John and I have been ..
I don't know quite how to put it but ..
While we are married,
we are just not married.
Oh, I see.
I thought perhaps it was too much polo.
He seems normal in all
other respects? Appetite?
- Sleeps well?
He must.
He has probably been sticking
too close to business.
You see, it isn't a question of too much
polo with John. It is too little polo.
You mean he's not played lately?
- Not for weeks.
We must look into this.
We certainly will.
Just a plain case of overwork.
Send him in. I'll look him over.
I will try to.
Thank you, doctor.
- Not at all.
Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon, Mrs Townsend.
I'm so glad to have been of service.
You have been.
Goodbye, doctor.
- Goodbye.
Going down?
No. No, I forgot something.
My name is McTavish. John McTavish.
You don't mind if I smoke, do you?
- No. Not at all.
I find it helps me to think. Now let's
get down to the facts in this case.
You came about your husband?
- Yes.
Uhuh. Just as I thought.
If a winsome lass like you
visits a detective like me ..
Her husband is up to no good.
What's the scamp doing?
Sending you flowers?
Yes. He has.
- Uhuh. Just as I thought.
When flowers come in the door,
love flies right out the window.
Who's the other woman?
It's what I don't know.
That's what you must find out.
Now what's your husband's name?
- John.
John, eh? The scamp.
The same name as mine.
What do you base your suspicions on?
I suspect him of not playing polo.
Neglect of polo?
Well, give me the sordid details.
Are my love birds happy this morning?
No. They remind me of you and father.
Really? I hadn't noticed that.
But now you mention it,
there's a decided resemblance.
Paul asked me to marry him last night.
- Doesn't he ask you every night?
And I say yes every night.
But what he wants to know is when.
- Well?
I tell him not until I'm sure it's going
to be just as perfect as you and father.
Janet. You're sweet.
Which reminds me. I can't keep him
waiting. He goes into all kinds of fits.
- Bye, darling.
Goodbye, sweet.
Another cup of coffee, dear?
- No thank you, dear.
A Mr McTavish to speak to you, madam.
What's the matter, dear?
A piece of toast went
down the wrong way.
Who is Mr McTavish?
He is the radio repairman.
I didn't know there was
a problem with the radio.
It's getting worse and worse.
Yes, Mr McTavish?
Madam, my various
suspicions are correct.
Yes. It is full of static.
I hadn't noticed.
Static? This is detective McTavish.
About your husband.
It is indistinct.
When we want to get
a program there is ..
There is interference.
That's funny. I had Pittsburgh
last night and heard it perfectly.
Interference? Oh. I understand.
You cannot talk.
The tubes may be getting weak.
- That's probably what it is.
This polo playing is simply to
pull the wool over your eyes.
Do you think it's the antenna?
- We should get a longer one.
He spends his afternoons
with a Miss Hopkins.
You can test the loudspeaker.
Why don't you get a new radio?
Perhaps I will.
The Drake Apartments.
323. Every afternoon at 2:30.
And it used to be such a good radio.
But lately it's becoming so ..
So undependable.
I'll be expecting you then, Mr McTavish.
Sorry dear, but I have to be leaving.
Today is Saturday.
Why not come home early, John?
That's impossible, dear.
I have to play polo at 2:30.
I see.
- Goodbye, dear.
[ Telephone ]
Miki. If it's anybody for
me I'm out of town.
Mrs Townsend, sir.
Hello, Carol.
How are you? Did I wake you?
Yes. You did.
But I'm delighted.
You know, I would ask nothing better
in life than to have you wake me.
Well, wait. I will see.
Yes, dear. Yes. Quite alone.
I'm always alone when I
am not with you, darling.
Yes. Pretty lonely too.
How would you like to
go somewhere with me?
Why, Carol. You really mean it?
It's very exciting.
Exciting? Why, I'm thrilled.
Why, this is the moment
I've been waiting for.
Yes. I will be there at 2 o'clock.
Polly. Pretty Polly.
This is the very happiest moment of
my life. She is going to be mine.
Think of it.
Think of it. She has succumbed.
- Yes, sir?
Shall I prepare for your bath?
- Immediately. Here, here.
See. This suit.
This tie.
Those shoes.
That hat.
Polly, I never dreamed ..
That the time would ever
come when I would be your ..
These are for you, dearest.
Thank you so much.
You know, until you telephoned
I was just tormented.
Wondering if the day would come.
And now it has come.
It had to be. Eventually.
We are just putty in the hands of fate.
Love is a remarkable thing.
It just must have its way.
What time is it?
2:30 exactly.
Tell him to drive faster, will you.
Faster, please.
You know, Carol. You're so impetuous.
I never realised it.
You always seem so cold and so reserved.
Well, you've never known me before.
As a matter of fact, until now
I've never really known myself.
Today dearest, you're just beautiful.
That hat.
The dress.
You're just like a painting by ..
By ..
One of those artists.
Why do you suppose I made myself
so especially attractive?
I could hardly believe it.
You're so understanding, Eric.
Where are you taking me?
- You're not afraid?
No. With you I would go anywhere.
I'm taking you to a very
intriguing little apartment.
On Drake Avenue.
Carol I ..
I hope you're not about to do
something you may regret.
Perhaps I have swept you off your feet?
But I hope you've considered
everything carefully.
Yes. Very carefully.
Any woman in my position would
do exactly what I'm doing.
Here we are. Here we are.
Darling, must you smoke
those terrible things?
Certainly not, my dear
if you don't like them.
It isn't that. They just get in the way.
[ Buzzer ]
Who is that?
- Oh, darling.
Don't look so worried.
It is probably just the maid.
But how stupid.
This is the wrong floor.
We were to see 423.
I'm so sorry.
Hello, darling.
Why, Charlotte.
What on earth are you doing here?
What a coincidence.
Eric and I were looking for 423 when we
got off at the third floor by mistake.
Didn't we, Eric?
Eric, say hello to Charlotte.
- Why?
Oh, hello Charlotte.
What on earth are you doing here?
I was just visiting a friend.
I spent the night of course.
We would love to meet her.
That is ..
If it is a 'her'. Eh, Charlotte?
- Of course.
Wouldn't we, Eric?
- Shouldn't we be getting along?
Impatient. Surely, we
can go in for a minute.
But darling, the place is a mess.
We haven't been up long.
Lazy. You ought to be
ashamed of yourselves.
Now come right in, Eric.
Oh, but this is charming.
And a real fireplace.
See, Eric?
- Yes.
We love that.
Of course the apartment above
has one too, doesn't it?
Yes. I suppose so.
- How nice.
Where's your friend? Dressing?
No. She's just gone out. I promised
I'd stay here until she got back.
Eric and I will stay and keep you
company. Won't we, Eric?
- We have many things to do.
Eric is so impetuous.
Sit here, Eric.
I think this is too lovely.
Don't tell me that you ..
- Yes. I've just taken in up.
You see.
So many of my artist friends smoke
them that I thought I would try it.
Then I got to like them.
I think that's too daring for words.
I would like to try one.
- Oh, Carol.
Eric, just one.
Do give me one, Charlotte.
Well, I just used up the
last box. I'm sorry.
I'm glad of that.
I do not approve of
women smoking cigars.
Eric is so old-fashioned.
About some things.
Well, I suppose I have to go back
to plain everyday cigarettes.
Thank you.
Tell me.
What does your friend do?
Why, she .. she paints.
How interesting. What?
No. Just paints.
Just paints.
Eric, we must go on
a tour of inspection.
Tell me is this her studio?
No. That's the bedroom.
We must see the bedroom,
mustn't we, Eric.
Darling, some other time.
The bed isn't even made up.
We don't mind that.
But this is perfect.
Particularly for an artist.
Yes. It gives one a feeling
of, what shall I say ..
- Yes. That's it.
Yes. Isn't it, Eric.
Yes. Isn't it. Isn't it?
It's a lamb of a room.
Plenty of closet space, I suppose?
- Oh yes.
Oh yes.
Yes. It is quite ideal.
Eric. Sweetheart.
I'm speaking to you.
I heard you dear. Seclusion.
Don't be silly. Come here.
Now, this is exactly what we want.
A perfect love nest.
Quite. Quite.
An interesting bed.
Isn't it.
- Isn't it.
What on earth are you talking about?
Don't act so embarrassed, Eric.
Charlotte is my best friend.
We can confide in her.
Of course, dear. Confide. Confide.
Promise you won't breathe it to a soul?
- About what?
Eric and me.
This is all very mysterious.
- What?
Isn't he sweet, the way he acts?
Most men are so utterly brazen.
You and Eric?
There must be some mistake.
I had no idea. Why? Should there be?
Eric is leasing an apartment
in this building.
I certainly am.
That's how we found you.
You never know how the other half lives.
You're the only person we told.
Unless ..
Can anybody hear us?
Of course not, Why do you ask?
I have to be frank with you.
There is a man in this room.
- A man?
- Where?
In the closet.
He caught his bathrobe in the door.
He has probably suffocated.
- Let's go in the living room.
No, no, Let's wait right here. Let's
have him out. I'd like to meet him.
Yes. Who is he? Anybody we know?
No, just a friend. Colonel Green.
An army man?
- Yes.
Is he in his uniform?
- No.
He's not in his uniform?
- That is .. I mean ..
Naughty Charlotte.
Well, I would love to meet him.
So would I.
- Hmm.
But I wouldn't embarrass the Colonel.
Not for the world.
Come along, Eric.
Goodbye, Colonel.
Now Charlotte, what I told
you about Eric and me.
Was strictly in confidence.
You mustn't tell John.
I want him to know.
That's noble of you, Eric. But not yet.
You don't think I would?
Otherwise I'd have to spread the
news about you and the Colonel.
And not in uniform.
But you won't tell John, I'm sure.
Well, I didn't know you were like this.
One never does know, does one.
About one's best friends.
Well goodbye, Charlotte. Let the
poor Colonel out of the closet.
Come, Eric.
Where's my hat?
Here you are. Goodbye, Eric.
Goodbye. Goodbye, Charlotte.
Don't forget, Charlotte.
You come to dinner tonight.
Of course, Carol. Be glad to.
We'll compare notes then
on our little adventure.
- Goodbye, Eric.
We'll look at the apartment
another time.
Whenever you're ready, darling.
Why, Carol. You're crying.
They're happy tears, Eric.
Must I explain?
- Not at all. Not a word.
I read all about that once in a book.
'We sometimes cry'.
'With tears of love'.
There. You see?
Tears and smiles.
An excellent combination.
You can come out now.
- Open the door. It's stuck.
Did you hear?
- Everything.
Goodbye, Colonel Green. I'll kill him.
My wife and my best friend.
She suspects?
- About what?
About us.
- What about us?
After all ..
- You don't see what's happened.
My wife.
A woman I trusted,
carrying on with my friend.
They said they'd take an apartment.
Where's my coat?
- What will you do?
It may not have happened yet.
I'm going home.
I will nip this Eric business in the
bud before it goes any further.
But you can't do that.
Why not? You don't think I'm afraid
of that fish merchant, do you?
Because obviously, if you go home
now she'll know you were here.
She would. You're right.
We must wait until dinner.
We'll have it out then.
With Eric and me at the table?
What are you looking for?
My hat.
I must think this over.
Plan a campaign.
- Can't you plan it here?
He'll be canned when I'm done with him.
Along with his smelly sardines.
Where's my hat?
You left it there.
- She saw it?
No. I hid it very cleverly.
You certainly did.
- John. Calm yourself.
Calm myself knowing my wife may
have been unfaithful to me?
The only woman I ever loved.
- What about me?
After all, she's the mother of my child.
- What's that got to do with it?
I love her as a husband loves his wife.
And you as a man loves a woman.
This isn't my hat.
It must be Eric's.
- What?
He probably took yours.
I'll kill him. That's what I'll do.
Goodbye, Charlotte.
- Don't do anything rash.
Kiss me.
Miki. This has been one of
the happiest days of my life.
I am glad, sir.
The lady of my dreams is mine.
Ah, so.
What's the matter with you?
- Your hat, sir.
My hat?
- Yes, sir.
What's the matter with my hat?
[ Buzzer ]
Where's Mr Sholti? Give me that hat.
Why should I?
- It's my hat.
First you steal my wife, then my hat.
Your hat? If it were your hat ..
You're Colonel Green?
You snake in the grass.
- Oh.
'Goodbye, Colonel Green. Isn't she
sweet? Most men are so brazen'.
Sometimes I think the law
against murder is a great mistake.
John. Control yourself.
Keep away from Carol and
if you tell her about this ..
Remember, I'm giving you fair warning.
Give me that hat.
How about mine?
Oh .. it's you.
Who did you think it was?
- Oh, I thought it was you.
Then why are you surprised?
You're acting strangely.
Something on your mind?
Yes. No. That is, no.
We have guests for dinner
tonight you know.
Now listen, Carol.
Perhaps I had better get dressed.
- What do you want?
My studs.
Where do you keep them?
- The top drawer of the bureau.
Aren't they there?
- I haven't looked.
I would look.
I will.
I wish you'd make up your mind and
stop opening and closing doors.
I must ask one question.
What is it, darling?
Can't you find your studs?
It isn't the studs. It is ..
Oh John. Do hurry. Charlotte and
Eric will be here any minute.
And Charlotte.
- Let's stick to Eric.
Well, John?
People are talking.
What about, dear?
I don't believe it's
necessary for me to say.
So it's true.
Is it true?
What on earth are you chattering about?
- You know.
Well, I am sorry, darling.
But I have to take my bath.
We must discuss this.
Alright. Let's discuss whatever it is.
It's you and Eric. You know what I mean.
You've been obvious enough.
That sounds like an accusation. Ha-ha.
Don't laugh about it. I have some pride.
After all, I'm your husband.
Oh, it's very reassuring
to hear you say so.
Don't try to evade the issue.
After all, Eric and I have
been very good friends.
What makes you so suspicious
all of a sudden?
Darling, I'm so sorry.
Would you mind handing
me my soap please?
I can't reach it.
I can't.
Oh. I'm so sorry I interrupted you.
What was it you wanted to discuss?
I will ..
I will wait until you come out.
Good evening, Andrews.
- Good evening, Miss Hopkins.
Where's Mrs Townsend?
She is upstairs, Miss.
I will tell her you're here.
- Thank you.
What is it?
- It is Andrews.
Miss Hopkins is waiting.
Tell her I will be right down.
- Yes, madam.
No. Wait.
Tell her to come up here.
As you say, madam.
John, dear.
- Come in, will you.
I can't reach this.
What can't you reach?
Wiggle that round will you please.
Carol, you have a lovely back.
We find new wonders every day.
And this beauty spot is most intriguing.
Since when has that mole
become a beauty spot?
[ Door knocks ]
Come in.
John, stop it. Stop it.
You're tickling me.
Oh, Charlotte.
Charlotte, I'm so sorry to be so late.
This precious husband of mine.
He has been annoying me.
Johnny, darling. Will you get my
pink satin dress for me please?
There's a lamb.
Charlotte, dear.
You're looking so pale.
You're not ill or anything like that?
- No. Just a headache.
Probably too many cigars.
John .. hurry, will you?
Yes, dear.
You know, Carol. Your actions
have been so puzzling lately.
Thank you. You know ..
Charlotte is being a very naughty girl.
You don't mind if I tell John
about this afternoon, do you?
You'll scream with laughter.
But you ..
My dear, we can trust John.
I called on a friend this afternoon.
Quite by accident I happened
to enter the wrong apartment.
And who did I find there but Charlotte.
You were visiting ..
An artist friend,
I think you said it was.
Why, John dear. Aren't you interested?
Yes. Of course.
Yes. I knew you would be.
And there was a man there.
A military man.
And he had to hide in the closet.
He wasn't in uniform.
And Charlotte has taken
up cigar smoking.
Oh, it was a most surprising afternoon.
Let's bring this out in the open.
You know all about it, don't you?
Yes. All there is to know.
- I see.
John. I think it's your turn to speak.
- Yes, John. By all means. Speak.
Let's have a conference on it.
- I see nothing to confer about.
You can't get out of it like that.
What about Eric?
Don't make a scene. I didn't.
No. Just snooping outside the closet
door. And you were very sarcastic.
Please. Let's not have a conference.
- I insist.
What is it?
Mr Eric Sholti is now waiting.
Tell Mr Sholti to wait and
make him comfortable, Andrews.
Order him out! Kick him out the house!
- Tell Mr Sholti I'll be down, Andrews.
I will do the best I can, sir and madam.
I feel I must go.
You had better go.
I must talk to Carol alone.
I won't hear of it.
Come down with me.
You won't go from here until
you answer one question.
He is so disagreeable.
I don't see how you put up with him.
Mrs Townsend will be down
almost immediately, sir.
Thank you, Andrews. Thank you.
And Mr Townsend?
Hasn't the weather been rather
unseasonable lately, sir?
Why no. It's been pretty seasonable.
Like everything else, sir.
It is all in your point of view.
Ah, there he is. Good evening, Eric.
Carol. How marvellous.
Hello Charlotte and John.
Pardon my frankness, Eric. But I must
ask you to get out of here at once.
I said nothing about this afternoon.
- Never mind that.
I never breathed a word
about hats or Colonel Green.
John is acting very silly, Eric.
I found the whole thing out by myself.
Oh you did? The whole thing?
Silly. Silly, John.
Well, Eric. If you're leaving do
you mind dropping me off?
Leave? No. I'm here for the ..
Sorry about this, Charlotte.
- Forgive John. He's very hot tempered.
I hope everything turns out alright.
- I'm sure it will.
Goodnight, Carol.
- Goodnight.
Goodnight, John.
- Goodnight.
I'll telephone later, Charlotte.
- I'll call you in the morning, darling.
Now we're rid of him we can talk.
And her?
- I don't deny.
You're not?
- No.
What to talk about?
- You and Eric.
And you and Eric?
- You and Charlotte?
I'm a man and such things happen.
How do you think I feel?
To have my wife.
I always had faith in you, Carol.
- That's very nice of you.
And Janet?
How will she feel when she
learns about her mother?
She'll find out about her father too.
- You've no right to do this, Carol.
Don't talk to me on rights.
- How long was Eric your lover?
He hasn't.
Hasn't? I heard you say so
in Charlotte's apartment.
I only said that because ..
I don't owe you any explanations.
You want to make me jealous, don't you?
- I don't want to make you anything.
Don't be so conceited.
Eric is going to be my lover.
You can keep right on with Charlotte.
Janet need not know about
us until after she's married.
I'll not make it obvious.
You've kept your affairs secret enough.
Maybe you'll give me some hints?
I won't permit it. You can't do this.
- Don't tell me what to do.
Don't ever tell me anything again.
I never want to talk to you.
Good evening, Paul. Good evening, Janet.
What is it, dad?
- Nothing, dear.
Mother and I had a little argument.
Little? Ha. It sounded terrific.
I can't talk to you about it now.
We surely can't tell them now, can we.
- It makes me so mad.
Like having the ground
shot from under us.
Let's get married first.
We can tell them when they've made up.
- But they never quarrel. Never.
They were snapping at
each other like turtles.
Don't let it worry you, darling.
- But it does.
You wait here.
I'm going up to have a
hand-to-hand talk with mother.
Mother, open the door.
Leave me lone, Janet.
What's wrong, dear? You're crying.
No, I am not.
Then you're giving a
perfect imitation of it.
Please go away.
She wouldn't talk to me.
Didn't they even eat dinner?
- No, Miss.
Could I get you something, Miss Janet?
I couldn't eat a thing.
- Nor me.
No sandwiches?
No, Andrews. Not tonight.
The situation is beginning to affect me.
- Why should it?
Basically, I'm a very respectable man.
Besides, I have a daughter
about to be married.
You told me you intend to get a divorce.
Furthermore, it would
be very unfair to Carol.
Or Janet.
John, you're too kind-hearted
for your own good.
But she must be in love with me or
she wouldn't have minded about you.
And don't forget Eric.
Carol doesn't care about Eric.
Eric was around when she found out.
And he happened to be handy.
Eric may not be a prince charming.
But he's worth a fortune.
I'm not exactly in the poorhouse.
I just meant it wouldn't be so
hard on her if you married me.
I'm sorry in advance for what I now say.
But for heaven's sake will you shut up.
[ Buzzer ]
Do you think it's Carol?
How should I know?
[ Buzzer ]
I had better open it. They usually
break down the door if you don't.
Don't go in the same closet.
Go in there.
The first place they'd look.
And here. Take your cigar with you.
How do you do.
I'm working my way through ..
Through college.
- I hope you graduate.
Just some pest selling magazines.
I'll see you this evening, dear.
You know, I think some polo may
do me some good right now.
Go home if you like, dear.
But save the polo alibi for when
it will do you the most good.
Aren't you going to kiss me?
- Oh.
Yes. Of course.
Keep smiling. Tomorrow it's different.
I hope so.
I'll see you tonight.
Take those up to my bedroom, will you.
Your bedroom?
- Of course.
I will be right up.
- Of course.
This is Mrs Townsend.
Good afternoon, Mrs Townsend.
I have got good news for you.
Yes. He was there again this afternoon.
Don't blame me. I'm only doing my duty.
And he'll be there again tonight.
It is all set for the
evidence if you want it.
Put those down there will you.
Yes. There.
It is so good of you to help me.
Just to be near you,
my princess, is exciting.
Yes. Now run along, will you?
There's a good boy, Eric. I'm tired.
I want to lie down.
Can't I stay just a little while?
Of course not. I'm going to undress.
There's an important
question I must ask you.
Another time, Eric.
I want to change my clothes.
- That's just the point.
Though we're going to be married you
continue to treat me like a stranger.
Please, Eric. Please.
What I started to say was ..
'Goodbye' wasn't it?
In the next room.
Now what?
That man.
You don't want me to
remain but in there ..
Sleeping in there with
only a door between ..
Is that man.
After all, he's my husband, you know.
It is a custom quite generally observed.
This door is open.
- Well, what of it?
I don't like the look of it.
He never comes in here.
It might just well be a stone wall.
What are you doing? Living here?
Not yet. My lease has a year to run.
What is it, John? What do you want?
- So you enter through that stone wall.
I request you leave my wife's room.
- This lady is your wife in name only.
Please get out of here.
I've a headache.
Eric, I asked you to go.
You too, John.
But Carol, I ..
I will not enter into any controversy.
There are certain
practical considerations.
Such as Andrews.
Who gets Andrews?
- Take him along. He's yours.
We don't want him.
- The leopards?
Let him have them.
I have a parrot .. that talks.
The lovebirds I will keep in memory of
something that's quite, quite dead.
And that's very dead.
Now, there's nothing further
to talk about so please go.
Lock it.
Alright. I will, Eric. Goodbye.
Say 'auf wiedersehen'.
It's not so permanent.
Auf wiedersehen.
Will you please stay out of my room.
- Now, Carol. Please.
Under the circumstances
I think it's indecent.
After all, I'm still your husband.
For the past months that's been
nothing but a technicality.
That's pretty strong language.
- Nevertheless, I mean every word of it.
Frankly, I can't imagine
what Charlotte sees in you.
Oh, you can't, eh?
- No.
Who should know better than I?
I ask you to keep
personalities out of this.
I shouldn't have married
you in the first place.
That works both ways.
- My parents warned me.
My only regret is they
didn't warn you enough.
Now it's over and done
with, leave me alone.
I will be glad to.
- You clear out of this house.
Or if you want it, I'll go.
- You can have it. I'm moving at once.
Moving, dad?
Janet. Your father and I are discussing
something quite, quite private.
Not very private.
Go on. Tell her what you intend doing.
Janet, I ..
We have decided to end the
unpleasant situation in this house.
I didn't know there was one.
We are going to be divorced.
Father, you have too much
sense to do such a stupid thing.
I'm afraid it must be, Janet.
- Why?
Your mother says so.
- I certainly do.
You poor darling.
So she finally caught you.
Jane. I'm surprised.
- I bet you are.
A divorce, Janet, is the
only honest way out.
Now, dear. You don't have
to be noble about it.
I can guess exactly what happened.
You caught this lovable,
stupid old thing ..
And your pride has
received an awful wallop.
No lady can take me
away from your mother.
Of course she can't. Mother, be nice.
The matter is settled, Janet.
Well, I suppose there's
nothing more to be said.
Thanks just the same, darling.
You're of an age Janet, to decide
which one you prefer living with.
That's simply delightful.
I suppose you'll marry her.
Whoever she is.
As things are, I am expected to.
Incidentally, who is the lady?
I'm bound to know so you
may as well let it out.
It's Charlotte.
Oh? So I'm to have Charlotte
bossing me around.
You will always have me, darling.
And you'll never lack for a father.
- She means Eric.
This is becoming ridiculous.
I intend marrying Mr Sholti.
You're a pair of silly fools.
Now see what you have done?
Of all the annoying people ..
Stop yelling, will you.
- Sir?
Pack my things. I'm going away.
You come with me.
Right, sir.
- I never want to see her again.
Come over here immediately.
I need you.
I want you to come over at once.
I need you.
Hurry, hurry.
At once, sweetheart.
He is beating me.
It's a lie.
As soon as you can.
Say, suppose your father
gets out his shotgun?
He is probably going to be
melodramatic but don't weaken.
Andrews. Pack my bag and
put it in Mr Paul's car.
And hurry.
- Very good, Miss Janet.
Who is it?
- It is Janet and Paul.
We want to talk to you and father.
Come in, dear.
Come in. What is it, darling?
- Hello, Mrs Townsend.
Father. Come in here.
Paul and I have some news for you.
I think you had better sit down.
- Hello, Paul.
What is it, darling?
Paul and I are going to live together.
Quite right, darling.
Young people should.
When do you intend to marry?
We aren't going to marry.
What do you mean?
- Just what I said.
Paul and I have decided
that if your marriage fails ..
Well, marriage just can't be any good.
I don't believe it. You're joking.
- We're not.
We leave tonight.
- You don't know what you're doing.
Listen to me, you two.
You'll be married at once.
You have my .. our permission.
- We love each other too much to marry.
Janet, just because your father
made a mess of things ..
Don't let it affect your marriage.
- It won't. There won't be one.
It's all your fault.
See what you've done?
You should be tarred and feathered to
put such nasty ideas in Janet's head.
You're wrong.
It was my own idea.
- Besides, there's nothing wrong in it.
We don't believe in marriage now.
I'll get you arrested and sue you.
Being dramatic isn't
going to help anything.
We're merely profiting by your mistakes.
Come on, Paul. We're wasting time.
John, why don't you do something?
You come back here.
Well, you certainly
handled that tactfully.
It's your fault for starting this mess.
My fault? Why don't you
do something about it?
I'm going to do plenty.
- So am I.
Who are you telephoning?
- The detective.
Private detectives? Not dependable.
- This one is. He caught you.
I'll get the police after them.
- Mr McTavish? This is Mrs Townsend.
I forbid you to talk to him.
- My daughter ran off with a young man.
Find them and bring them back.
Alright. Get your detective.
I'll handle this my own way.
The young man's name is Paul Smith.
He is rather dark.
He is about 5 feet 10, 11 or 12.
5 feet 10, 11 or 12?
Rather dark. And the girl?
She's 17. She has brown
hair and brown eyes.
She's wearing a darling white suit with
fox collar and the sweetest little hat.
I might say in cases like this they
usually register in the man's name.
Try every hotel.
Bring them back if you have to kidnap
them and for heaven's sake hurry.
Trust me. I will.
Pardon, madam.
- What is it, Andrews?
I know where Miss Janet
and Mr Paul went.
For heaven's sake where?
As I put their luggage in the back
of the car I overheard them say ..
They go to a hotel called The Tavern.
The Tavern? Thank you, Andrews.
Thank you.
Get my car quickly. Please.
- Certainly, madam.
To The Tavern, George. Quickly.
What's the matter, Andrews?
What sir?
- Mrs Townsend.
Driving like that. What does it mean?
She's evidently in a hurry, sir.
Where's Mr Townsend?
- He has gone too, sir.
Andrews. Something peculiar goes
on here and you know what it is.
Me, sir?
- Yes. You, sir.
I never did like you, Andrews. Now I've
positively no use for you whatsoever.
Yes, sir.
Eric, what's the matter?
- I don't know.
What are you doing here?
- John called me here. He seemed upset.
And he should be. The brute.
He was beating Carol.
- How do you know?
She phoned me.
- Where are they?
John has gone and Carol has rushed off.
I heard her say she goes to The Tavern.
After John?
- Oh. I never thought of that.
Something bad may happen.
She may kill him.
Charlotte, something goes on here and
we must find out what it is. Get in.
You're right, Eric. Let's hurry.
Wasn't father funny.
'You should be tarred and feathered to
put such nasty ideas into Janet's mind'.
'I'll get you arrested and sue you'.
Well, here we are.
- Still want to go through with it?
Of course, silly.
Evening, sir. Any baggage?
- In the rumble seat.
Hello, Andrews. Have they left yet?
Immediately after you did, Miss.
They should be there shortly.
You pack a bag for
mother and one for father.
And bring them here immediately.
Take a cab.
Goodbye, Andrews.
Did a young couple check in
here within the past hour?
Yes, sir. Several.
I'm looking for a man named Paul Smith.
- Smith? Let me see.
George. John. William. John. John.
Paul Smith. Yes, in 219.
- 219?
Say. Is there a justice
of the peace around here?
Yes, sir.
- Tell him to come at once.
I want him to issue a marriage licence
and perform a ceremony in 219.
Are Mr and Mrs Smith
going to get married?
I'll take care of it.
842 please. Hurry.
Who is there?
It is your father, Janet. Open the door.
Janet, do you hear me? Open this door.
Paul says no, father.
You see, we are in bed.
They're in bed.
- Then do something.
Janet. You get out of bed
at once and open this door.
Yes. Please do, Janet.
- Is that you, mother?
Yes, darling.
Open this door or I break it down.
- Well, wait a minute.
Paul wants to know
if you can read, father.
He said he put a sign on the door
which you should observe.
Janet, darling. You can't do this.
You really can't.
I can't do what?
- We're very sleepy, Mrs Townsend.
If you don't open this door
by the time I count to three ..
I will smash it in.
- Well, wait a minute.
Shall we let them in, Paul?
- If you feel they won't be embarrassed.
We'll open on one condition.
- What condition?
That you and father stop being
ridiculous and get together.
How about it, Carol?
Do you promise to marry immediately?
As soon as we can get
some clothes on, mother.
There you are. You brute.
Beating a delicate woman with an ax.
Murderer. Did he hurt you, my princess?
You keep out of this.
- Your weapons don't intimidate me, sir.
Is this a private fight
or can anyone join in?
It's those crazy youngsters
Paul and Janet.
They're in bed and they're unmarried.
- How enterprising of them.
If immorality is enterprising,
you are a pioneer.
Don't start that all over again.
- Then it's all your fault.
You keep your nose out of my affairs.
'Affairs' describes it perfectly.
That can work both ways.
- Now control yourself, John.
I'm perfectly calm.
She has such a soothing effect on you.
I maintained all along ..
Now look here, one more
word out of you and I will ..
Maid. Hurry please.
I've forgotten the keys to my room.
Would you mind opening it please?
That isn't your ..
- Shut up.
Why, Carol.
- Shut up.
Please hurry. Quickly.
Darling. Are you alright?
- Never felt better in my life.
Get up out of bed. And you too Janet.
That would be embarrassing.
I should horsewhip you for this.
- You haven't got a horsewhip.
Wait until the Justice gets here.
We'll fix you.
We didn't order a Justice.
- I did.
When he gets here
there will be a wedding.
Put that thing down.
You make us all nervous.
What a nice place you've picked.
It is so comfortable.
Tell me, are the beds ..
[ Door knocks ]
Well, what do you want?
I'm Justice of the Peace, Ryder.
Come in. Come in.
Evening all.
- Evening.
I see you want some marrying done.
Stuff like that.
We certainly have.
Now, if you'll stand right over there.
- Why?
If you want me to marry you ..
- No. Not me.
Not yet.
Then you stand over here.
- No, no.
There's the couple. Right there.
Well, I've had a lot of
shotgun weddings.
But this is the first fire-axe
wedding I ever officiated at.
How can you two act like this when
ain't married? And stuff like that.
It's easy.
- Needs no experience at all.
Your parents got married, didn't they?
That's just why we don't
want to take any chances.
See, you can't perform a ceremony ..
Unless the bride and groom are
both willing. And stuff like that.
Speaking as a private citizen,
I think their conduct is disgusting.
Speaking as an officer of
the law I think it's terrible.
Quite right, Judge.
- Nobody asked you.
Of course you'll need a license.
And stuff like that.
You mean, you can marry them in the bed?
- Better late than never.
Are you the bride's father?
- No. He isn't.
So who are you?
- He is the tertium quid.
The what?
The Romans had a word
for it: Tertium Quid.
Third party.
Now, suppose you folks
get yourselves sorted out.
And let me know who is
going to be married to what.
I'm not a bit surprised you're confused.
Confused? Ha. I'm dizzy.
Now, Mr Ryder. They want us
to be married and we agreed.
But we made conditions.
Keep quiet. Keep quiet.
All of you.
You don't need a Justice of the Peace.
You need a referee.
Exactly what we need.
A fair, impartial, honest referee.
And Mr Ryder looks like it.
I move we put the whole
matter before him.
And abide by his decision. How about it?
Why not?
- I don't know.
He can't make a worse mess
of it than you have, father.
You look like you got more
sense than all of them.
So, shoot.
- Alright.
It's very simple.
This father of mine here,
and that lady have been ..
How shall we put it?
In flagrante delicto
and stuff like that?
Nothing of the kind.
Right here in this city.
And this very attractive
mother of mine ..
Decided to get even by philandering
with the tertium quid.
Is that all clear?
It's all clear.
But it don't make no sense.
Here, you listen to me.
Do you mean to say that
you went and left her ..
For her and stuff like that?
- Well ..
Young man, you should
have your head examined.
Thank you, Mr Ryder.
- Maybe you're right.
I'll not stay here and be insulted.
And you, lady.
You're really not serious
about this Mr Squid are you?
Eric, don't you think you
had better take me home?
Yes, Mr Squid, I think you
had better take her home.
Charlotte, I relish any
opportunity to get out of here.
This is something I will never forgive.
Mr Ryder, you couldn't have
done better with a can of Flit.
Thank heaven he's out of my life.
- And Charlotte.
Both of them.
- Sweet John.
One minute. You forget there should
be a wedding and stuff like that.
That's right. Go to it.
Well. Are we all set?
Sorry, Mr Ryder. You can't marry us.
But you gave your promise.
We were married this morning.
And stuff like that.
Well. I guess here's
where I lose my fee.
Here it is. Thanks very much, sir.
Can interest you folks in some
real estate or insurance?
No thank you.
Well, I believe this belongs to you.
Good evening, everyone.
Good luck to you and stuff like that.
Goodnight, Mr Ryder.
Goodnight, Mr Ryder.
I suppose we should be going too.
- But I reserved a room for you.
We can use it, John.
Unless you have to play polo tomorrow.
No more polo, dear.
- No more stuff like that?
No more stuff like that.
Do you know something?
I think I'll go to Europe.
Don't take it so hard, Eric.
I don't mean that.
There's a crisis in
the sardine industry.
You know, I think
sardines are fascinating.
Yes. I'd like to know more about them.
- Why, Charlotte.
Would it surprise you to know
that the female sardine ..
In breeding, spawns between
four and five million eggs.
How exciting.
- Yes.
Charlotte, I had no idea you were
interested in anything like that.
Oh, terribly.
- Isn't that marvelous.