Eddie Izzard: Definite Article (1996) Movie Script

They call it coming out of a book,
and youve got to do it at some
point in your life, havent you?
Youve got to just fuckin come out of a
book, you know, surprise
your neighbours! Hey!
A fucking big book next door, yes
Andy Warhol said, Youve always gotta
come out of a book at some point,
he said, and then, poof! And big hair
Or he said something like that.
So were here, yesThis is the
video, a very, very special video
a video album,
this is what it is
of all the incredibly funny things
in my brain, I suppose,
cause people think Im on
drugs, and Im not, Im really
quite, you knowjust a bit
of coffee, and Im really
When I take drugs, I start going,
Oh, insurance! Ever thought of?
And pensions! Very sensible!
So dont take drugs, otherwise youll
go like that! Just go Yeah!
But thimbles is what I really
wanted to talk about, because
you dont really - well, they dont get
enough press these days, do they?
I dont think they ever did,
because very rarely you see,
Thimbles: Oh! Says Man
You know what I mean
Cause my Gran said,
Put a thimble on your finger, and it
helps you, in case
you slip with a needle,
the needle goes up, and
into brain, and death
and before thimbles
were invented, it was
Needle Death Tragic Whole Family!
Family of Sewers Tragic!
If Only Thimbles Were Invented,
says psychic man with big hat
and beard to match
Thimbles Compulsory for
Children in Many Buses
So yes The best thing
with thimbles is to put one...
on each finger, and then you
can do impressions of horses.
Horses with one too
many legs, I suppose
Cause they do have a metallic
sound, dont they, horseshoes?
Well, horses have got hooves, theyve
got this bit of semicircular metal...
nailed to each and every foot!
And thats just a con! For
centuries, blacksmiths saying,
Is that your horse?
Better nail a bit of
semicircular metal to each of his feet!
Oh, no, thanks, its got
hooves! Thanks very much.
No, better nail a bit
of semicircular metal on.
Have you ever had a blowout
on a horse doing 70? Yeah
Steel radials, thats
what you want, mate!
Are those anti-lock
hooves? Ooh, Im not sure
It is. Perhaps its a big con, theyve
done it very successfully for centuries,
but they were just
trying with all hoofed
animals. You got any more in your farm?
Cows! Bring them in,
theyve got hooves! And pigs
and sheep, hooves the lot
of them! Ill put shoes
And your ducks and geese,
get the whole bloody farm in!
And your next door neighbour.
The whole farm for 50 quid
Ducks going around, going
clang, clang, clang
Swimming out in the water
They dont do the
breast-stroke, do they, ducks?
They just...
Any duck doing
that is really kind of crap.
And its also lucky,
horseshoes are lucky!
And horses have four bits of
lucky nailed to their feet.
They should be the luckiest
animals in the world!
They should win all their
horse races, shouldnt they?
Its after 3:30, and today,
every single horse was first equal
One horse dropped a
shoe, came in fourth
And the duck was ninth.
Five ran
Its what they always say
at the end, dont they?
A bit of useless five run.
Are there people at home, going,
But how many run?
Or is it the idea,
Five run, one sauntered,
really one drove a small car
one windsurfed, one hang-glid.
Yeah, you decline the
verb to hang-glide, then
I hang-glide, you hang-glide,
he, she hang-glides,
we hang-glid,
you hang-glided,
they hang-glidededed.
Anyway, thats all rubbish!
Sometimes, though, you want to buy a
thimble, or a horseshoe,
or a bit of fluff,
or an elephant, and you go
down your local supermarket.
Dont laugh too much, please
The local supermarket,
you know; the hypermarket,
theyre big, fuckoff, huge,
big as a village these days,
And everyones in there:
trendy people, straight people,
rich, poor; everyone in there,
pushing trolleys, going,
Do we want yoghurt? I dont know
And you can push things
around, you can fill up
with stuff, and then you
get bored of your shopping.
Oh, forget that! I dont want it!
You can just leave your trolley,
kind of No, Im just
Pick another one,
Oh, Ive got this one!
But trolleys, they never
run straight, do they?
Have you ever flown on a trolley? Never!
Because theyve always got
the wobbly wheel off to the right,
hit someone in the stomach, and
they drop all their shopping in,
and then youve got their shopping
And if you hit an old lady, you get
hairnets and dog food!
Thats all they buy.
At a certain age, about
80, I think, they go,
Fuck everything else!
Hairnets and dog food,
thats all I need now
Cause youre on bonus
time from then on, really,
so you might as well get weird shit.
Hairnets and dog food.
Hairnets, of course, are pointless;
weve all known this,
and weve marveled
at people putting them on,
cause when you take
them off in the morning,
youve got criss-cross
patterns on your hair.
Why, old lady? Why the hairnet?
Oh, the hair thieves!
The hair thieves,
they come in the night
Steal your hair, they
do! Sell us into slavery
in Azerbaijan.
And dog food as well. There was a dog
food a while back called Mr. Dog.
It was a small can of dog food
for small, yappy-type dogs.
And there was a big
advertising campaign, saying,
Buy Mr. Dog, for
small, yappy-type dogs
and maybe, theyll shut the fuck up!
So that was fine, and then there
was a stroke your beard meeting
back at Mr. Dogs headquarters.
Well weve sold but
two cans of Mr. Dog
which some people do say,
But two cans
Lets change the name! So they changed
the name, from Mr. Dog to Cesar.
Now thats a bit of an image
shift in my book of references.
Mr. Dog small dog, yes, you
can see the sort of linky there.
Caesar Roman leader
2,000 years ago,
small dog.
Bit of a strangled route
up to that one, isnt it?
Left at the traffic lights to get there
I think thats a 3:00 in the
morning decision, that one.
Its Caesar, well
call it Caesar!
What about?
Yeah, yeah, fucking Caesar!
He was a Roman leader
Yeah, small dogs are
Roman leaders, arent they?
All right, Caesar! But
well drop the a out, right?
Cause it was C-A-E-S-A-R,
for some reason.
I dont think Caesar was
going 2,000 years ago,
I have defeated Pompeii,
Im first Emperor of Rome!
I wear the laurel wreath,
with the front bit bitten out
In 2,000 years time,
I shall be remembered as
a can of small dog food
for small, yappy-type dogs
and I shall be played by
James Mason in the film.
Yes, I shall, I shall
Thats what he used to
do, didnt he, James Mason?
Eh Heres Jimmy!
No, he didnt, thats a lie.
It would have freaked us out if he did!
Ladies and gentlemen, James Mason!
What are you doing, James?
Sorry, forget all that bit;
well cut that out. Now
Oh, yes! And supermarkets, yes
As soon as you go in, have you noticed?
They do psychological tricks on us.
As soon as you go in, you hit
fresh fruit and veg. You noticed that?
Every single time! You
go to France, Germany,
fresh fruit and veg,
and its psychological,
you go in, thinking, This is a
fresh shop! Everything here is fresh!
I will do well here
It is, think about it!
You never go in to the toilet paper section,
with the loo brushes and the squeeze
cause then you go,
This is a poo shop!
Everything here is made of poo!
Im not shopping here,
Im going to Azerbaijan!
I knew I didnt need to mime
any further, you got the drift
Yeah, so and all these
fruits have got vitamins
- vitamin A, of course,
which is good for
vitamin B, which we all
know is very good for
vitamin C is good for scurvy, isnt it?
Yes! Theres a lot of
scurvy around these days
People phone in, I cant come
in to work, Ive got scurvy, yes
Well, I live on a houseboat and
Yeah, frothing at the mouth, yeah
the old Captain Cook problem there
Theyve got vitamin D,
which again is good for
Vitamin E, which is good for skin,
and then thats it, no more vitamins.
The whole vitamin-naming
committee are going, Lets see,
vitamin F. Suggestions?
Oh, fuck it! Im off down the boozer
And all these people made
food, like Granny Smith.
Granny Smith made apples. Who
was this woman, Granny Smith?
My name is Mrs. Smith, Ive made
apples out of bread, a dripping
and a bit of green paint,
and corrugated iron.
No, these are horrible
apples, Mrs. Smith.
Go away, Mrs. Smith! Go away
until your daughter has a baby.
Shag, daughter, shag!
Its a marketing idea, shag for babies!
My daughters had a baby,
Im Granny Smith now!
Come in, Granny Smith!
You a wonderful idea, you!
Come in with your shiny apples.
Brought family member, Mr. Delicious.
Hes got apples Gold
Delicious. Come in, Gold.
King Edward, abdicated the throne,
took up potato-making, there we go
Mrs. Simpson, jewellery
And theres Hitler as well,
they used to hang out together,
and Jeff Bruckley, of
the Bruckley family.
Its all about threes
apples are great,
apples are user-friendly,
just big, hearty
- you grab em, you go...
and then you start to eat them, and
Always do the dog impression first,
and when you get close to the pips
in the middle, you go, Ew!... and
you throw it away,
in case you swallowed a pip and
a tree comes out of your head.
We know this to be true
And oranges! Theres a big war,
dont know if you know,
but theres this sort of internal
war going on between the big,
old-fashioned oranges,
big, fuckoff, kind of
Stalinist, big,
fuckoff kind of oranges,
and the new baby Satsuma,
Minneola, kumquat,
Satsumari, kind of
Big fat war on that, because to eat a
Satsuma, its a piece of piss, you just go...
And you break off these
one by one, dont you?
And youve got so much of it,
and if theres people in the room,
you go, Go on, go on!
Its like a very cheap round, isnt it?
Go on, Satsuma for everyone!
And if youre the other person in the room,
you go, No, no Well, all right, yeah
Thank you very much. Yeah
So Satsumas are great,
eatings a piece of piss,
but you cant do it with an orange.
You go, You want a bit of orange?
Ive got fucking ell!
Cant fucking hell
Cause inside an orange -
its like the film Das Boot in there!
With Jrgen Prochnov going, Dont
let them get in to the orange!
Its most important! Or the juice
will get out, and itll not be good.
Theyre breaking in with
fingers, depth charges!
Let the peel come off
only in small chunks!
Jesus Christ!
Theyre breaking in! Push all the pips
into bits they wouldnt expect, thatll do!
'Cause it is! Theres no chance
of someone eating an orange, going,
Hey! Youre very nice
Theres not a chance of someone
who speaks like that anyway
So oranges can fuck
off, thats what I say!
And pears can fuck off too! Cause
theyre gorgeous little beasts,
but theyre ripe for half an
hour and youre never there!
Theyre like a rock, or theyre mush!
In the supermarket, people
are hammering in nails
Were just putting these shelves
up, mate, then you can have the pear.
Really, cause you do do that
squeezy-squeezy thing on fruit,
where you go Oh..! Squeezy, oh
Its a test- squeezy thing,
that youve seen French chefs
do on telly. Oh, squeezy, oh
But I have no frame of
reference, so Im going, Oh
Is that good?
Im squeezing it about this
much is that a good squeezy?
Cause it seems like such an
expert thing! They seem to go
This one! They dont even look
at it, they just Sometimes they go
Oh, shit!
No, its got a hole in it,
Im not really
Or just put it on the end of a
broom Yeah its the manager!
So fuck pears Pears are
like a rock, so you think,
Ill take them home and theyll ripen up,
and you put them in a bowl, and they
sit there going, No! No!
Dont ripen yet! Dont ripen yet!
Wait till he goes out of the room!
Ripen now! Now! Now!
And you come back in, and you
go, Ill just have one of these
Hey, these pears are dead!
These are dead pears, man.
Hey, what happened guys?
Theyre all going
And then theres banana skins as well.
Theres bananas and their skins;
theres all this sort of
slipping on a banana skin
and hilarity thats been
around for many years.
Now I dont know about you,
but Ive never actually, in my life,
ever seen anyone actually
slip on a banana skin in reality.
Ive never seen documentary footage
of anyone slipping on a banana skin;
Ive heard the stories, oh,
yes! People have told me stories
The Nazis did propaganda
So its all those fruits there,
and theres South African fruit we can
have now, without going, Oh, the guilt!
And star fruit, which are from Mars!
So its great, youve got all these
fruits, and you get a selection,
you take it home, you
arrange it in a bowl
and then you watch it rot!
You never eat it, really
Occasionally, you go up to it,
and go "Ah I dont think I will.
Ooh, a Mars bar, there we go!
Oh, Im full-up now!
And they all rot from
the bottom up, you go
Except for the oranges, that
sit in the back and go, No!
You chuck all the rest away, and
the oranges are sitting there, going
for months it sits there
in a Stalinist kind of way. So, yeah
And theres also labels in supermarkets;
youve got labels on the
food stuff now, so you can-
it says Four grams of
protein, you go, Ah!
Is that good?
Is that far too little protein?
Is it youre gonna die of protein
shortage, or youre gonna overdose on it?
0.02 milligrams of sodium.
Sodium explodes in water.
Do I need 0.02 milligrams of that?
Calcium - can you overdose on calcium?
Can you go
Well, I think theres too much calcium in
your diet. Yes, thats what I thought.
Are you eating a lot
of chalk salad? Yeah
So you make your choices
of stuff in the supermarket,
and you go down to where the queues are,
and theres 30, 40, maybe
a million queues there!
And you always choose one of those aisles
- when youre walking down,
its kind of enclosed in the aisle,
isnt it? Theres all this stuff there,
and suddenly... Its out,
and theres all the queues,
and you know youve got 30 seconds to
choose your queue, and youre going
Were all very good at queue
strategy now, have you noticed?
No one taught us this, we just go Were
going, Okay, 4, 4 looks pretty good
7. No, no, quite a few people, all
hand baskets. Hand baskets are good
Itll move fast. 17 just opened! You take
the French bread, you go on 17! Im on 4.
Keep in touch, keep in touch.
Whoever gets there first,
well join and we get out, OK?
Dropout on 7! Im on 7!
Shit, theyre paying with
Luncheon vouchers! Im back on 4!
Ive lost 4! You bastard!
I left my aura there
Always a good one
unless you get a ticket for parking.
Your aura is parked
there. Oh, sorry.
Youre fine, usually, in the queue,
until you see someone about three
meters behind you pull up in a queue,
and then theres a bit of a
delay, and theyre almost paying!
Theyre almost out! And
youre going, Come on! Come on,
theres a war on, you know?
And the new queue, thats what Im
always looking for, the new queue;
that is the end of the
rainbow, thats where
all the gold in the world
is stacked, the new queue!
Cause you could be fifth, sixth
in that sort of 15-minute queue,
and New queue! Youre in there!
And the fastest, the most
agile, the keen minds are there,
and youre looking in advance
for potential new queues.
People around the
till, putting money in,
and as soon as you see
it going on the till
But not too obvious, otherwise
everyone else in the queue sees you
so you just keep one eye on it, and try
Look over there! Theres a
badger with a gun! Can you see?
Surely hes going to kill new queue!
But then youre not sure - are they
opening? Are they just mending the till?
And you you dont want to Oh,
youre not? Oh, I was there! was there!
You can take all your clothes off
and put them on a string, and then
Oh, youre not? Okay.
Depends on what youre
wearing, of course.
A lot of you applaud, going, Yeah!
Oh, that wasnt that good, was it?
But theyve the beeping
machines these days!
Theres a bar code on all the stuff,
and theres a little sort of star-shaped
thing, and they just show it to it.
Like the machine is going, Yes,
all right Yes, thats still fine.
And it must get boring!
All day and the excitement...
that never happens...
is when it goes
Fucking make the
noise! Its some thing!
The machine is going, No, Im bored
- Oh, go on! Make the noise!
- No, I dont want to
Ill read it at you. Thick one,
thin one, thick one, thin one
thick, thick, thin
are you getting this? Thin
Oh, forget it! Ill just type out...
the handy 50-digit number,
Ill be with you in a second.
So much more efficient these days!
And you realize two sea anemones
have taken over your hands
Late night shopping in local
petrol stations, thats a form of
20th. Century shopping that I
dont think anyone would have
thought it was gonna happen.
And youre there, at 3:00AM,
especially in inner cities, this is
3:00AM, youre at the petrol station,
theres a guy behind bullet-proof
glass, slumped over a desk, dead!
Or asleep, youre not sure,
you dont care; even if he is
dead, youre going, Wake up!
I want groceries
And he wakes up, and you go,
Oh, sorry, mate, sorry, I
just want o, I dont have a car
I dont have a car.
I do not have a car.
Theres a big communication
problem, isnt there?
Theyve built this bullet-proof
glass, and its sound proof!
Try to talk through the thing
I dont want any
Some brown bread, I just
want some brown bread.
Yeah, brown bread.
Right over there, brown
No, thats diesel oil
Brown bread, brown
Two words, brown bread.
First word, sounds like brown.
Brown! Brown bread!
3:00 in the morning, and you get into this,
and theres a queue forming behind you
No, its brown bread, brown
A queue of murderers!
With different weapons!
Someone on a camel about here
people from Star Trek down here
And youre going,
Yeah, the brown bread!
Get the brown bread, man!
Just get it quickly!
Youre trying to give real
fuckoff vibes around here,
so that no one hassles you.
Yeah, bread for my bread gun!
Give me the bread!
What? Shredded wheat? Thats fine!
Ill eat that shredded fuck it!
Ill put marmalade on it, its fine.
And a packet of Rizzlers, thanks.
"Why do I want them?"
Im a stamp collector,
and Ive run out of stamps,
so I thought...
Id get those clippy,
plain ones, you know?
Where you can draw
your own stamp in on it.
Fucking give it to me!
Then they do the dance of the tray
Aah! My hand! Thank
you. Can I have a bag?
Then they put this very thin bag
in, the thinnest bag in the world.
So thin, youre surprised
you get everything into it
Then you go off, and the whole
queue follows you. Follow him!
He speaks in sentences.
No, no, you must hassle him now.
He has the groceries.
Oh, groceries! Yeah, yeah
Hello, were murderers.
A Twix, please.
And theyre behind
bullet-proof glass there,
because, you know, its late at night,
people are hassling them,
if they go in the shop,
they try to nick stuff
And I must admit, I got caught
nicking stuff when I was 15,
and I was nicking makeup,
back in Boots in
I couldve bought it, I couldve
saved up and bought it, but I thought,
if I bought it, someone might say,
Hey, youre a boy buying makeup!
You must be a trans-vestite!
And then Id have to
go, Oh, Sherlock Holmes!
How did you get to the
bottom of that one, you big,
deer-stalker, weird,
fucking hat person?
Four dog ears!
Why is it called a deer stalker? Anyone
stalking a deer now, the deer would go
Theres a guy out there with four dog
ears, with two strings hanging off.
Im a deer stalker!
Thats a deer-stalker!
Dont know why, just
a stupid hat, I think.
Anyway, so I didnt buy
the makeup, I nicked it!
And I had a loaf of brown bread,
so I put it under this brown bread,
and I run out of the shop and down
Bexhill High Street, and they caught me!
But I was 15, so they let me
off with a warning, which was,
This lipstick is not gonna work
with this eye-shadow, no way!
Thats light blue,
thats a death colour!
You want a bit of foundation in this,
thats very cheap foundation. Oh
Thats a warning! Oh,
thank you, Chief Constable.
Also, I got done for
jumping a 20p tube fare!
This is my whole crime sheet, right?
Which is quite an interesting read 20p!
This is not Don Corleone,
this is Don Crap.
I jumped a 20p underground tube fare,
and I was waving a pass at the time,
you know, it was drawn
on a Rizzler or something;
it was a Bishop of Durham pass.
Im the Bishop of Durham
Oh, bless you, my son.
And the guy said, Youre not Bishop of
Durham! He wears a bigger hat than that!
So he got me. I got
him! I got the 20p kid!
Youve caused us 1.60 worth of
trouble, you have, in your time.
Ive got him and Ill be promoted
in the underground system.
Ill get my own darkness!
Then an off-duty policeman came,
and he had a pot plant and a camera,
on his way home for a good night
photographing pot plants, I suppose
This is all bizarre, but true;
this is what he had, and he said,
Ive got him too! Oh, Ill get
promoted King of Metropolitan Police!
And I thought, Im going down for 20p!
No, Im gonna run for it! Ill run for it
like Mel Gibson in the film Gallipoli,
and other people in running films.
So I run, and I run,
and I run, and I run,
and after five inches, they caught me
They called for backup, and now
20 policemen are coming down,
thousands of pounds worth of police
work Weve got the 20p kid!
20ps are safe from now on And three
policemen pulled me for five minutes!
I dont know if youve ever had this,
they grab one leg each, and I dont know
obviously, they were working together;
they thought I was struggling like
crazy, Id given up at this point.
one over here was going, Dont
struggle, there! Dont struggle!
People over here going, Eh!
Dont you fuckin struggle!
So it was a continuous machine of
them pulling against each other,
had one hand free, I was
going, Hi! How are you?
Ill talk about this in many years
And then they put me in
Bower Street overnight,
and that became assaulting
a police officer!
Surely it was stretching a pedestrian!
It was! I got down for assault,
and I was running away!
Assault is motion towards, I feel
it takes an accusative.
Very rarely in war, they go,
Assault that hill over there!
Let me do a bit of stretching here
I should have been done for
deserting a police officer.
Theres a shop in South London which
was a very its still there, apparently.
Its in Tooting High Street, and
it sells two very disparate items.
On one side of the shop they put
them on different sides, its great!
One side is guns, and
knives, and harpoons
and fucking
- really mean fucking weapons.
On the other side, theres
banjos, and violins, and bassoons,
And you know about it, dont
you? Yeah! Its fucking there!
And whats the guy doing?
Oh, were way down in weaponry,
but up on banjos this week
Thats good, people are getting
lighter these days, in tough times.
They shift to music like crazy at
the moment! Way down on bassoons!
hat, is this mad guy going
Someone browsing around
An Uzi machine gun, slices a man in
two, 200 rounds a minute, or a banjo!
A ukulele, like George Foreman.
You remember that famous fight,
George Foreman against Muhammad Ali?
That was very A dyslexic promoter
put it on, and it was brilliant
Im gonna kill him,
Im gonna kill him
Hey, turn that
Hey! Oh, its a big bugger!
Who put me up for this gig?
Fucking ell!
The trainer comes up,
Youre doing well, youre doing well!
Hes fucking hitting me!
~ Neverthless Youre doing
well, youre doing well! ~
My ukulele is smashed.
Im going to that gun shop!
Guns & Banjos
interesting band. Now
It was a very wide reactiish thing.
Well cut this.
No, theyre gonna leave it in!
You noticed that when people say, Oh,
well cut this, its always left in there?
Oh, I forgot my rest of
the show! How does it go?
Oh, emergency joke:
two men went into a pub
and they totally redecorated
it! It was brilliant!
Its an old joke
Oh, yeah, musical instruments!
I played the clarinet, right?
I wanted to play the piano,
but somehow I got a clarinet.
I dont know quite how that worked
Five people can play the
clarinet in the world,
and they make quite a beautiful, wooden
Its just a wooden noise, it floats
Thats not the noise, is
it? Its like a clarinet,
but I played it like
a foghorn being dragged
through a place where
foghorns shouldnt be dragged.
It was just it was bad noise.
And if youre an adult, and
youre playing a musical instrument,
youre probably making
some of this sound,
cause you want to play it,
your heart is in it,
youve gotta have feeling, you gotta go
You cant paint a picture
if you dont want to
Oh its the Eiffel Tower! You know
This is a splotch. Its the Eiffel
Tower. Youve gotta be in there.
Now, if youre a kid playing a
musical instrument, theres probably
a certain element of parental
pressure thats going in there.
Yes, little Johnnie, you
should play the violin,
because I never had the
chance when I was a child.
Well, youve got the chance
now, why dont you learn it now?
No No, I dont think I will.
I have to watch telly
and drive cars now,
its the pressure of being an adult.
But I dont wanna learn! I want to
go and smash things with hammers!
Yes, I know, but if you were musical,
oh, the world would be wonderful,
and I would hear the wonderful noise
Oh, fucking ell!
So the kid goes, All right, Ill learn
the violin, but you wont like it!
Ill make a bad noise!
Oh, fucking ell!
The violin like this,
the cello is slightly bigger, with
a spike on the bow that kills you,
and the double bass you have
to rest on a friend to play
I played the clarinet.
And if you play a musical instrument; if
youre a kid and play a musical instrument,
you want to play sexy tunes, dont you?
I want to play sexy tunes!
I want to play tunes so that other
kids at school come up and say,
Hey, hes playing sexy tunes!
People who I fancy say, We must
dance provocatively in front of him,
like they do in films
we dont believe.
Playing the clarinet...
We will shag him as
soon as we know how.
That was where you
wanted to go, wasnt it?
You wanted everyone to go, Oh,
wow, what a hip fucking dancey tune
But all the music lessons
just make you learn dirge!
I was learning from this book
called A Tune A Day, and
This tune is called
Snug As A Bug In A Rug.
So, is this a sexy
tune, Mrs. Badcrumble?
I just dont think, Mrs. Badcrumble,
that this is really gonna be a sexy tune.
No, its a totally sexy
tune on the clarinet!
I made love to this tune with my
husband in 1481, Ill have you know
You did? Its a very sexy tune?
All right, Ill have a go. Here we go
At what point did you
orgasm during this song,
Mrs. Badcrumble?
All through it, it was multiple!
They hadnt been invented
in 1481, but I got there
on a hang-glider.
Youre fucking nuts!
The clarinets got a
wooden reed at the back,
and you have to push
it, you have to make
its not an ambesure, which is
something else, its a kind of vegetable
that flute players have to deal with
and if youre making a sound,
you squeak.
After a while, I was practicing and
my Dad was going, Stop practicing!
You sound crap!
I have bought a hammer!
You may borrow it if you wish!
Oh, it was a dreadful, fucking noise!
And the clarinets like that,
but the oboe has two bits of
wooden reed pushed together,
you have to
Its designed not to let any sound in!
Its like trying to blow in a weasel!
The tuba! Who chooses to play a tuba?
Surely a tuba is a punishment
thing, surely its community service.
Youve been sentenced to three
years on the tuba. Oh, God!
Who wants to make
Its got a huge horn, you
can get a child in there!
The trumpets okay, but it makes
your cheeks go out to hamster-size;
theres a thing called a triangle,
its just a triangle, it goes ting!
Forget it, just with
your mouth, go ting!
The percussionists
Wheres your fucking
triangle? Oh, grow up!
They do that, people
play these big cauldrons
its like doing it too loud
Yeah, true story
So theres all these instruments,
and I played third clarinet, right?
In the school band.
The first clarinets played the melody,
thats okay, you know
where youre going;
second clarinets played harmonies that
back up the melody and sort of link, okay;
third clarinets played the
notes that are left over!
We were just going...
Its boring! The only exciting way
to do it is really blow it loud!
The teacher is going, Piano! Piano!
You go, Its not a fucking piano!
Its a clarinet...
you weird-talking person.
And then it was
These strange, fucking noises,
and the teacher is going,
Oh, this is a God-awful band!
I know, Ill get the
parents to listen to this.
Then maybe theyll kill em!
And a big sign went up
School Band Will Play Tunes!
And no one from the local
town came, no hip people said,
Hey, were going down the
school, theyre gonna play a gig
Im gonna
stage-dive on the bassoon player
Just the parents came,
and sat down, going
Oh, theyre gonna kill us!
Were crap!
he teacher gets up, The school band
will now murder O Come All Ye Faithful.
The song has been arranged with
no real care.
Helmets will be worn
during the production.
Weasel, weasel.
Parents are going, Oh my God!!
We have spawned the devil!
Lets go and find hammers for them.
Poetry! Poetry is very similar to music,
only less notes and more words.
And there was a Scottish
poet called Robbie Burns-
Robbie Burns to Scottish people,
Robbie Burns to English people,
and Rabbi Burns to Jewish people
who turn up at his door and say,
What is the Hebrew translation?
I dont know, Im a poet,
I dont know this go away.
Are you trick or treat?
I need the translation
And he wrote poetry, he wrote
a big fucking book of poetry,
but one of his most famous lines is
The Best Laid Plans O'
Mice and Men Aft Gang Aglay,
meaning The best laid plans
of mice and men often go wrong.
And because its poetry, people go,
Oh, I know what you mean there, Robbie,
yes Fucking plans ganging aglay...
by a fucking truckload
And being a poet, he must have
observed humanity, must have said,
Men. Men make plans.
These plans go wrong.
Go wrong once, twice often!
Often, a number of
plans Ive seen go wrong
Possible idea for a poem
And then he must have turned
his attention to the other...
animal mentioned in
that line of poetry.
If you think back to it, The
best laid plans of mice and men
Exactly which mice plans was
he really honing in here on?
The best laid ones go aglay, some
of the worse laid ones are okay?
Some of them get through? He
was fucking off this trolley!
See, mice also make plans,
unbeknownst to most people.
They plan to get cheese!
They run, they scamper
Oh, ones fallen over!
No cheese today
Oh, plan two: theyve got
three, another ones got a stick,
hes gonna put the
stick into the mousetrap
No, hes broken the
stick! What a jessie!
Plan three Oh, theyve got
a flip chart now! Very serious
theres a lot of mise surrounding the
meeting, and theyre having a discussion
Oh, good plan this, probably!
Their best laid plan, I believe
I could just hear what theyre saying.
One mouse is going,You arent
supposed to blow the bloody doors off!
Told you about that
What are you doing, coming in
here, and making such a fracas?
Now tell me the plan.Well, well
drive the Minis into the square
No, piazza.
Oh, its piazza, Charlie?
And we load the cheese
in the back of the Minis,
and we drove it at you
during a football match.
Thats right. Wallop, wallop, wallop,
into the big coach driven by William,
rounding in the Alps, and were free.
And youre sitting in the back,
and youre not having a migraine,
and youre gonna shut your face.
All right, Charlie.
Meanwhile, back in London, the Chief
Mouse is talking to the prison governor-
Somebody has broken into my toilet.
Well, Im terribly sorry.
Get on to Camp Freddy, I want Charlie
Crocker given a good going-over.
So if you havent seen The Italian Job
this is all meaningless, by the way,
but then, if you havent seen it,
you probably havent lived Yes, yes
And sayings as well!
Sayings are very interesting...
cause theyre based on truth, then they
have got a bit of old wives tale on top,
then a bit of a hazy
farther, a bit of uncle banana...
and then youve ice-cream
on top, and its just rubbish!
I mean, like He doesnt
suffer fools gladly. We go...
Who does suffer fools gladly?!
How often you can go, Hello!
Ive got a pig in me trousers!
Come in!
Come in, you fool!
That pig sounds like a dog.
No, its a pig; I just cant
be bothered to do the impression.
Can my friend come in?
Hes got jam for brains
Yes, come in, you fool!
The other saying was
what was the other saying?
Oh, yes, Go and teach your
grandmother to suck eggs.
What on Earth is that one about?
Youve got a lot of free-range eggs,
All right, Gran, Im gonna
teach you to suck eggs.
Im not gonna suck eggs, Im not!
You piss off, you young children!
Theres a mouse here
making a plan, you see?
Planning to scale the
Eiffel Tower on a bat
Why are you Scottish, Gran?
I dont know
Ive been taken over
by Mrs. Badcrumble.
Oh, my hairnet! Its coming off
The hair thieves are upon us!
Now we do have haircuts,
dont we? Humans have haircuts,
and sheep have haircuts, and poodles,
and theyre the only three
animals in the entire world,
in the universe, as we
know, to have haircuts.
This is true, you dont get ants going,
You dont get lions going,
Ill go and get that antelope
Jesus Christ!
Ill put it in bunches, right?
The antelopes going, Theres a huge
girl with big teeth coming after me!
Run! Run!
The last one was the butterfly
Which is a pointless
swimming stroke, isnt it?
Remember when you had to stand
back in the swimming bars,
and some big, fucking kid came
through doing the butterfly?
You just wanted to hit him with a
floater. Fuck off with your butterfly!
Fucking show-off! We cant even
do doggy-paddle yet! Bastard!
Anyway, we do get haircuts,
and sheep get haircuts.
Some sheep must be going
into that shearing shed,
going, Hi, can I get
a coffee? Thanks.
Yeah, a little bit off the
top, loose down the back,
and sort of wedge-shaped,
thats quite in at the moment.
Thatd be great, thank you thank you
Well, its not
quite what I was after
Do you have a hairnet?
Ive done a bit of Latin in me time,
but I can control it, you know.
I never let it get out of
hand, I just have a dealer and
he sells me Latin transcripts,
and you know, Okay
so that late at night you just feel
like translating Latin for a bit,
upstairs, smoking in the coats room.
I dont know what
Im talking about now.
No, I did, I did Latin, I learnt Amo,
amas, amat Amo, amas, amatis, amant,
and it comes in handy. Yes!
Sometimes youre queuing at a petrol
station at 3:00 A.M. in the morning,
and theres a line of
murderers behind you,
and you turn around and go, Amo,
amas, amat! Amo, amas, amatis, amant!
and they go, Fuck! He knows Latin!
He knows a dead language! Run!
Head for the hills!
Head for Azerbaijan!
Run down the Fort Court!
Yeah, I remember you did
it as an option, yeah
And the teachers with options
were, Yeah, learn Latin!
Youll get the whole underlying knowledge
of all the European languages!
Why dont we just learn the
European languages, then?
Thats a good point, yes
Its very rare youre at Frankfurt
airport and someones going,
Ja mein Herr, was ist los? and
youre going: Sprechen Sie Latin?
Pugnato sum et kumquat and romanes
avec gallum et pugnato fish..
Ja, ja, aber was ist los?
I dont know,
I dont know,
what ist los? Do tell me
So I dont think its very useful today,
and they had language labs! Language
labs came in when I was at school,
and that was great; you get in that
little cubicle, had a tape going around,
the headphones on,
and the tape would go,
"O est la plume de ma tante?
Monsieur, o est la plume de ma tante?
And youd go, La plume de ma tante
est prs de la chaise de ma tante
as well you know
And the tape would go: Oui!
Oui, la plume de ma tante est
prs de la chaise de ma tante."
Youd go, How does this tape
know what Im talking about?
And the tape would continue,
O est la plume de mon oncle?
And youd go, La plume de mon
oncle est bingy bongy boogy bongy
And the tape would go, Non!
Pas du tout!
La plume de mon oncle nest
pas bingy bongy boogy bongy
quest-ce que vous dtes?
Vous tes un putain!
Je ne suis pas un putain.
Je navais pas le sexe pour largent
quest-ce que vous
dtes, vous cassette?
And the tape would go, Oh, oh pardon.
Je suis dsol, vous avez raison.
je suis seulement un pauvre cassette.
'Sous la chaise, je
n'avais pas les pantalons'
Oh, its an old song! Yeah
I did an exchangeship with France;
yeah, the teacher at my school
said, Do you want one of ours?
Hes already loaded into the tuba.
And I went to a place called Chlons-
Sur-Marne, its on the river Marne,
otherwise itd be
Chlons-Sur no, nothing.
Its in the Champagne region of France,
which is North North-East,
and champagne is going
on there all the time.
They have loads of champagne,
and they celebrate all the time.
Youve crossed the road? Champagne!
Youve walked out of a shop? Champagne!
You can lean over a bit
like this? Champagne!
Big occasions You had
a baby? Here's the beer.
So its a bit of a
functional French town,
every countrys got a bit of oh!
Emotionally linked with Felix, though
And we were shown around
places of interest...
in Chlons-Sur-Marne; we were
shown around the
glue factory, you know.
When youre a kid, you go, Oui, oui,
le le usine de glue. Cest trs bien.
'Voici l'usine de glue.'
'Voici la porte de l'usine de glue.
So we went around,
they showed us glue...
one pot, they lifted the lid,
there was just glue going around,
'Oui, c'est trs bien.'
And we ended up in a boardroom, and
a bloke with a flipchart was saying,
Voici lusine de glue.
Cest le flipchart et
quest-ce que cest?
Le fromage? Les souris?
Le Job Italian! Quest-ce
que Le Job Italian?
Qui est Charlie Croker?
Camp Freddy?
Mr Bridger
Sorry, just gave you the whole
list there. The cast list.
So he said, Oui, oui, cest
lusine de glue. Ah ici, cest
Ah, the glue making process, okay.
Ici un cheval, pas de glue,
un cheval, pas de glue,
pas de cheval, beaucoup de glue!
Oh, cest merde pour le
cheval! Oui, cest merde
And it was an exchange trip, so we
had to be re-exchanged, you know,
and this all took place in the
cross-Channel ferry, like it does.
And all my teachers went down, we all
went down on to the car deck, and...
my teachers switched on
the lights of their Rover
and the Chlons teachers switched
on the lights of their Citren.
All my teachers got out with
cricket bats and tennis rackets
And all the Chlons teachers got
out with French sporting equipment
a set of bulls.
And my head teacher is going,
Send the English kid over!
So I was pushed off with
a load of French bread
Cest un cadeau, un
cadeau! Oh, merci, merci
And the French kid was coming
over with a load of Brillo pads
Oui, oui, cest un
cadeau de les anglais.
Cest le shredded wheat.
Ils sont trs generous, nest-ce pas?
Oui, oui, on peut le manger. Oui,
un peu de lait, un peu de sucre
Et on mange, mange, mange, mange,
mange, mange, mange, mange, mange,
et aprs, pas de dents!
If you dont understand French, by
the way, all of this is very funny,
I assure it.
But were Europeans,
we can swing with it.
I did German tapes as well!
Big drop in your understanding.
The tapes going round and saying, Wo ist
das Kind, mein Herr? Wo ist das Kind?
And Id go, Das Kind
ist in dem Flughaben
as well you know!
And the tape would go, Ja, das Kind
IST in dem Flughaben. Aber warum?
Well, Im not really sure
Perhaps he likes the airplanes.
And then we did Latin tapes as
well, we did bloody Latin tapes,
and they were just lies.
It was pure lies because no one
knew what the bloody accent was.
They were trying to get you to learn
the Latin accent, and they had NO IDEA!
Because everyone was
dead, its a dead language;
the Romans, for all they knew, could
have said, Hello, were the Romans!
Hello, were the Romans.
Were the Romans.
Were the Romans, we want to come in
your country and take all your things.
They had no idea, so
they lied,
and they made up all this Roman accent,
which was kind of floaty,
it was Puella est in cana.
And that was too floaty for me, because
this is a very aggressive nation, very...
I mean, they werent into
democracy and diplomacy,
cause they were Greek words,
and theyd invaded them
They went round, invading countries,
with organized men with stabby swords,
stab, stab, stab
I just dont think they went
into Gaul, going, Hello
Are you the people of Gaul?
Wonderful! Well, we are the Romans.
Yes, we are. And...
you must be Chief
Vercingtorix, is that right?
No, I recognize you from
the Asterix books.
Well, were the Romans, I am a
legionary; this is our leader, Mr. Dog.
Mr. Dog's going, Yes, I am.
And a word with you,
legionary, if I may
Thinking of changing
the name, I am
Changing it from Mr. Dog to Cesar.
Had a word with
the marketing department
the marketing department of Rome,
and its Mr. Cesar
Oh, Im getting off this see-saw!
Its boring.
Bring me my horse,
thank you very much!
There we go, thats much better
Have we got steel radials
on the back of this?
Yeah Roman history was
fascinating because...
2,000 years ago they
murdered and killed a lot of people!
But 2,000 years ago,
forgive and forget, eh?
Let bygones be beegones.
Whatever a bygone is
Thats another saying, isnt it?
Let bygones be bygones.
Whats a bygone?
Well, its a gone
Oh, its a thing
thats gone by, isnt it?
Forget it.
That makes sense
So some sayings are true!
So what you do is you hit someone,
Why the fuck did you do that for?
Oh, its a bygone!
Its already done, its been done
No use crying over bygones.
Look, the bygones are coming!
Its the fucking invasion
of the bygones!
Thats quite good, isnt it?
Invasion of the bygones!
Theyre all going,
Look, its no bother, really.
Thats a very British invasion.
Im terribly sorry, weve
overstayed our welcome.
We used to be imperialist bastards,
but now were just coming
quite politely. Hello
Yes! Back in Roman times,
when people died, they had
professional mourners come in,
which is a totally weird idea.
My husband is dead
Mr. Claudius is dead. Oh, God!
Which god? Oh,
Jove! By Jove, hes dead!
Tragedy Not the other god
that youre thinking about.
Ill try this again
Oh, my husband is dead!
Fuck it! Forget the whole thing.
Re-cut. No.
My husband is
dead, Mr. Claudius is dead
And theres not enough grief!
Theres not enough grief in
this house to warrant his death,
I wish to beef up the grief!
Slave, get a message out to
Mourners-R-Us, will you?
Tell them I wish to beef up the grief!
Yes, let bygones be bygones.
Heres 10 denary for your trouble,
and get them straight back here, slave.
What do you think youre doing?
And up will come a very smooth guy,
Good afternoon, Im Mr. Marcellus.
Im from Mourners-R-Us.
Just a free sample there. Now
Thats very impressive!
Yes... I told you...
We can do both hands, ambidextrous.
Oh, Mr. Claudius
is dead, what a tragedy!
A great man - was he a great man?
I hope he was, yeah
A great big man, anyway.
Well, we have several
funerals on offer this week,
we have a special on,
the cheap one - we call it
Oh, bum, hes dead! funeral.
Its our bargain, 25 denary, and
thats just Mr. Claudius out front,
and just myself about 10 meters
behind, just a little bit pissed off.
Oh, bum! Thats the Oh,
Bum! funeral,
not much bother, shove him
in the ground, no problem.
For a full 50 denary, we
got myself and Flavius here,
at either side of the funeral cortge,
slightly more geared up, slightly more,
Oh! Tragedy! Tragedy!
He was a great man We
could have a CV at this point
Oh, he made jam
played the
ukulele, all these things
in the George Foreman quartet
and well poke people with sticks
to make them cry more.
Go on, cry, you bastards!
Thats our 50 denary.
And for a full 100 denary, you get all
four of us carry the deceased along,
and then we gently lower him
into the ground on straps
and then well twang him into a tree!
That end bit isnt
really authentic, is it?
But just to tail off the whole piece,
so I started twanging him into trees!
And it gets a big laugh,
and then I carry on
Thats comedy for you!
But were kind of lugubrious about, you
know, funerals and people dying, and...
we always mourn the death
throughout, when celebrating the life...
is a different attitude.
And I think, twang em
into trees! Thats what I say.
Wouldnt you rather die
and be twang into a tree?
The jury is out for
that one, you know
Just think about it,
give a lot of fun to people
Oh, it didnt! Bring it back,
bring it back Come on!
Duel funerals
Funerals on bonfire night
Its an option, we can go that way
if we want to. So, yeah
Also, back in Roman times,
Pliny The Younger wrote letters.
He was a letter-writer,
its a great bloody profession, isnt it?
Oh, Im gonna write some letters today...
April 7th
Hed just write postcards, ello. Bye!
Cause people do write really
crap postcards, you know.
Im here. Youre
not. Bye!
Or you start getting interesting,
just at the bottom of the postcard,
and you start writing all along
Anyway, I dont know that Pliny did
postcards, but he wrote from Vesuvius;
he was at Mt. Vesuvius
when it erupted,
on the West coast
of Italy, back in A.D.
which is a wary man.
No, it was 80-79, right?
So thats kind of the time
period, and he was there.
Dear Father, I am here at
Vesuvius, it is erupting as I speak.
Fucking ell!!!
Get me
out of here!!
The tops come off the mountain!
Theres stuff everywhere!
Send ships and big ships.
Send fucking dogs
Get on to Mr. Dog,
tell them to send people
Apart from that
everythings gorgeous.
Got a great tan,
even though we all have it
cause were in Italy.
Love and kisses, Pliny the Younger.
P.S.: Nothing.
Yeah And St. Paul,
he wrote letters, didnt he?
St. Pauls Letter to the Corinthians.
Always writing to the Corinthians.
St. Pauls letter to the Corinthians
Chapter 1 Verses 1 to 53.
Dear Corinthians,
as you can tell from my preamble,
its gonna be quite a long
Here we go:
Dont do bad things,
only do good things.
Always treat your neighbour like
someone who lives near to you.
Never put a sock in a toaster.
Never put jam on a magnet.
Never throw your Granny in a bag.
Never suck all the juice
out of a vampire.
Never lean over on Tuesday
Lots of other things, but I gotta
go and have a Mars bar now.
Love, Paul (Saint).
Is that how he wrote his name?
Paul (Saint).
B.A. honours.
Yeah, so he wrote this All
right, thats the end of the letter
The Corinthians
They mustve been real fucked off
over in Corinth, dont you think?
The postman going, Come on, one of
you Corinthians, gotta take this letter.
Oh, fuck off! Thats from
old mourner St. Paul, isnt it?
No I dont want it, I dont want it!
You gotta take it. Come on,
I gotta have a signature for it.
Oh, fuck off! It says the CorinthianS
,plural. Ask someone else.
Oh, give it here.
What does it say? Dont do this,
dont do that
Never put a sock in a toaster?
Jam on a magnet Ooh, hes
lost his brain, aint he?
Whose idea was it to be a pen-pal
with St. Paul anyway?
That fucking backfired, didnt it?
Hes supposed to stop doing it at
about 15, hes been doing it for years
Come on, Corinthians,
come on, general meeting.
Were gonna write a letter back
to him, stop all this rubbish.
The Corinthians Letter
Back to St. Paul,
Chapter 1- Verses 1 to a million.
More letters to follow.
Tuesday 28th...
of something.
Dear Paul (Saint, apparently),
Just fu- who are you?
Why do you keep sending these letters?
You arrogant bastard, you send
a letter to an entire city!
What do you want us to do, put
these up in a board or something?
Just fuck off!
Youre coming on like
Alistair Cooke, for fucks sake!
Never put a sock in a toaster,
whats all that about?
You daft git!
Love and kisses, the
Kiss, kiss Steve the Corinthian, Fred
the Corinthian, George the Corinthian
There we go St. Paul
Outside Corinth
And the Carthaginians as well!
Oh, they gave the Romans hell!
Because they attacked
Rome, the Carthaginians did,
over the Alps on elephants
and the Romans were
never expecting that.
The Romans were there, going, What?
The Carthaginians attacking?
God! I knew it!
What? Attacking over the Alps?
Damn! I knew theyd do that!
Theyre coming on elephants?
Where did they get the elephants?
There arent any elephants in Europe!
This Ive gotta see
Are you sure?
You sure its just not a typo mistake?
The Carthaginians are attacking, theyre
coming over the Alps in their element?
Happy, you know?
Theyre coming on fucking elephants
They werent gonna, you know, they
were gonna come on skis, of course.
That was the way in
down the fucking Alps.
But their leader, Hannibal,
and his brothers,
Hasdrubal, Haveaball and Haveabanana,
whose real name was,
whoa! Have a banana
And Hannibal went to the shop,
and said, Skis for all my men!
Were gonna attack the
Romans over the Alps.
And the guy said,
Sorry, I didnt catch that.
Were gonna attack the
Romans over the Alps, in fact.
Oh, all right. Well, fresh
out of skis at the moment.
The last pair just went to someone.
Oh thats a bummer.
Weve got some elephants, though
Are they good at skiing?
Oh, tops!
Top skiers there
Cause elephants were much more
lithe back in Roman times,
much more like Austrian
skiing instructors are today
Off the tops of those
roofs of chalets
What about the people who
lives in those wooden huts?
Fuck off my roof!
Stop skiing off my roof,
you bastards!
Bloody elephants!
All my life living at Heathrow,
coming out here
fucking ell!
Bit of peace of quiet and whoom!
Fucking elephants on my roof!
Sorry about that, Mrs. Badcrumble!
Anyway So you think I should
take up the clarinet, do you?
Yes, I do, I think itd be very good.
Mr. Cesar here has been learning
the clarinet for some time now.
Yes, I have, its a very good
Its very sexy.
Im learning Snig as a Bug in a Rig.
Isnt that Snug as a Bug in a Rug?
Well, Ill go on, Mrs. Badcrumble.
I mean, you know, Im just
Why am I Australian, by the way?
I dont know.
My country hasnt
even been invented yet
except by the indigenous
tribes who lives there
Whoa, there we go!
I dont know what
all that bits about
Sorry about
living here in this hut
Fuck off my roof! Im gonna put a
huge hairnet up, thats what Ill do
That will stop them from doing it.
Elephants going,
And youre gonna stay there!
Can we have our ball back, please?
So he did, and Hannibal said,
Well, all right,
you proved it with
that small film there
Youve let me into it
with that small elephant ski
Are you sure
its a good idea?
Oh, yes! If youve never
seen an elephant ski,
then youve never been on acid
Too true, as the old film shows.
Right! Elephants for all my men.
What size do you take?
Six and a half, thanks.
All right, you guys better
be good at skiing.
Huge ski sticks.
And the ski lifts back in those days were
enormous! I dont know if youve seen
The Carthaginians are
sitting in those bucket seats,
with two elephants
hanging off their feet
The Carthaginians are going,
Oh, my thighs!
The whole military thing is very
organized; its a very tight regime.
You need to have a military, I think,
because its very hip to say,
Oh, all military should disband!
but you keep getting
organized shitheads
that wanna kill people
come along, like Hitler.
If its just a shithead, thats fine; but
if its an organized shithead, people go
And thats the problem.
Every army has rules;
there are no casual armies that go, Oh,
ello, General! "Oh, ello, Corporal.
Its all, Yes, Sir! No, Sir!
Yes, Sir!
And theres all these different salutes.
Youve got the British one, the
American one, the French one,
and countries in Eastern Europe, new
countries, going, Well, we cant use that one,
and that ones been
What about this one?
Almost a surrender kind of thing
Well, theres that one
or this one
or this one we quite like
Go for that one.
Afternoon, General.
Afternoon, Corporal.
Its not very efficient either, that
What about that? Thats
much more efficient, sure.
Civilians, we have a hand-shaky kind of
agreement- kind of greeting thing.
And people sometimes say to you,
Oh, come here! I want you to
meet a whole bunch of people.
Suddenly, youre meeting
eight people all at once,
and they all tell you their names.
Hi, my name is Steve.
Steve, hi.
My name is Jennifer.
At the end, you go,
Good to meet you all.
Did you have names?
I didnt hear a thing!
Theyre all over here, arent they?
And some people do those squeezy
handshakes; that crusher handshake,
you know, the Small-Dick-Ive-
Got-A-Big-Handshake kind of...
The Compensation Handshake.
A firm handshake is great,
but that crusher one...
where they start to rotate
your knuckles, you know?
Youre going, Hi, how
are you? Nice to meet you
And they go into this, and you
dont react, you just go
Jesus Christ!
We should react because theyre
gonna get away with this,
they just keep doing this
stupid crusher handshake;
they think its very...
but we know
its a small dick handshake.
And you should react; if someone starts
crushing the life out of your hand,
just go, AAAAAAAAH!
Fucking hell!
You bastard!
Good Lord!
Hope you die in a car crash!
Either that, or the complete opposite,
and just collapse on the floor.
Oh, you killed him!
You killed him dead, man!
Now he suffers from
hand-squeezy death.
Yeah, you killed him
Im gonna tell on you!
The other type of handshake is
that sort of sock in a cart...
handshake you just receive, you know?
Oh I dont know, 2 kilograms,
2.5 kilograms, what do you think?
You should always have a fish
up your sleeve for that one,
someone gives you that kind of drop-in
handshake, then you just slap in the fish
Hey, your hands come off!
Oh, its a fish
Yes, a present from my country!
Done in one! Done in one!
Done in one!
Then its the cool handshake,
the street handshake,
which is there, and then there,
there and there and
sometimes and bits
after it, you know?
You cant ask how its done,
you just have to know it,
thats what cool is all
about. You just know
and you dont actually just know, cause
no one knows, so you have to watch it
And you go home and practice
furiously on five bananas
until the thumb comes off.
Cool is a pursuit of youth, its
a fashion link thing being cool.
Its linked to the circle- youve got
Looking Like a Dickhead over here,
Average Looking, Kind of Cool,
Cool, Hip and Groovy
Looking Like a Dickhead!
I have been known to cruise
in that back area
I can walk down the street and
get these opposite reactions now.
I can walk down, and people go,
Makes you feel really good, but sick
And yeah, so
There was a look back in the 50s...
that was a matchstick
out of the corner of your mouth,
in the sort of James Dean kind of
era, and it was considered quite cool.
Its quite timeless as well,
it just works, I dont know quite why;
you lean up against a wall,
and you have it there,
and you roll it around, and occasionally
you pull it out and go, Hey, you, kids!
You kids be cool
What a wanker! Who is he?
Hes eating a match!
Yes, I am
Its the urban equivalent of the
country, kind of yokel character,
with the ear of corn
out of his mouth,
going, Hey, you, kids!
Never suck the juice out of a tractor.
Whats that?
The tractor going...
All the juice sucked out of it.
How do you mime a tractor thats
had all the juice sucked out of it?
Thats my one Anyway
Just a thumbnail sketch.
Oh, yes! I just forgot
what I was talking about.
So one matchstick out of the corner of
your mouth, mm-hmm-hmm, quite cool.
Second matchstick out the
other side of the mouth,
and youre looking like a dickhead!
Youre right A third one in the front,
looks like your teeth are sliding out
Eye patches have a
similar number problem.
One eye patch, looking quite cool!
Two eye patches
Three eye patches- now whats
going on here?
Pirates and the kid at
school with the lazy eye,
they were the two
groups that had eye patches;
again, very disparate.
I dont know how you do sub-sets
with them, but anyway
And the lazy-eye syndrome, you have
one eager beaver eye, that goes,
Oh, look at
that! Oh! Oh!
and the other eye is going,
Hey, Im in bed! Im in bed!
Chill out, man!
Youre missing the best part of
the day. Oh, fuck off!
So you put the eye patch over your
lazy eye, so it can have a snooze, yeah?
Long John Silver had an
eye patch, quite cool.
Also had a parrot on his shoulder
It was the wrong bird,
he should have had a mina bird!
Cause parrots, they suffer
from the beautiful plumage,
cause theyve got greens,
and yellows and reds
real vibrant colours that really
kick out, and you go, Ooh, wow!
but they look great and talk shite.
Squawk! Pieces of eight, ello!
A bird that says pieces of eight
is equivalent to having a
bird on your shoulder, going,
Shut up, bird, shut up.
Dont say that!
Shut up! Stop talking prices!
Yeah, stuff them! Mina birds are much
better; theyve got slick black feathers,
and they sit on your shoulder,
and they say things like,
Oh, look at that sunset!
If you ever see them in a pet shop,
they want to get out of the pet shop;
they hate being cooped up in there,
they say things cause theyre bored.
People come up, and they say,
Ooh! Nice shoes
I like your haircut, you know?
I think youre sexy!
Thats a nice bird! Can I buy it?
But be careful, when you
take the mina birds home,
they dont like it; they think
theyre getting their freedom
once theyve been bought,
but you take them into the lounge and
they get pissed off, they get sullen
Youve got people around,
and they go, Oh, they hate you!
What was that, mina bird?
You heard me
They hate you!
They put poison in your coffee.
Theres a pig under
the table with a gun.
I control them
through this cuttlefish here
Cause birds fly and we
have airplanes, thats the deal;
but no ones put a flying bird,
a bird that can fly, into an airplane.
Itd be amazing, because it wouldnt
be flying, but itd be flying!
A mina bird in a 747
The birds outside
These birds are flying
very fast, of course!
Shit! Oh, Im not flying,
Im sitting!
White wine, please.
Theyre hanging on to the side!
I havent got fingers,
could you cut this up, please?
Thank you very much.
We have a fascination with flying,
hang-gliding is the
closest weve got.
Theres a cliff near where I used to
go to school, in Beachy Head,
and its a big, chocolate, 300-400
foot, maybe a mile high, who knows?
We certainly dont, cause we have
no idea.
Well, were metric now,
so 30 cubic litres high, all right?
And the road goes very close,
if you go to Beachy Head,
and people get out of the cars and
they just want to look over the cliff.
We want to look into the jaws
of death, we have that thing;
and when
you get close to the edge,
your brain goes
And if theres two of you there,
you go Get out there!
What is all that about?
You cant chuck each other off!
You know, whoever youre
going out with Come on!
And everyone does a lot of wait-on-
the-back-foot type walking as well,
in case theres a big crack,
and everyone goes
And you just go lift and stand back
They old Playtex two-step
lift and stand back.
And its pointless, jumping-
it would be interesting up to a
point to jump off a cliff, up to
Up to that point
After that, Oh, no, no, no!
At the bottom, on the jaggy rocks,
and there, a lot of crabs
and seaweed going, Ol!
All the time I was doing that,
I was thinking of a Spanish
word to say at the end of it
came out a bit weird, didnt it?
Should have been Seor!
not Si-or! That just sounds
like a brand of fucking cigarettes
from the 40s or something. God!
Weird analogy Anyway...
Even now Oh, fuck it!
And so and so what?
Oh, yes, wizards!
Now wizards
well, a bit of a jump there, but they can
fly, cant they?They can fucking fly!
They can fucking do anything,
because they have the big
staff, the big, sort
of Gandalf kind of like
Ill turn you into a pig!
kind of thing.
And when shits happening,
its great to be a wizard,
Ill turn you into a pig!
We cant do that,
but the closest weve got to it,
its the TV control,
when youre in your flat,
on your own, you can go, 2!
Ill have a bit of 3, thank you.
2. 3. 2. 3. 1!
In North America,
theyre going, 78! 87! 54!
Were going, 4!
Volume, volume, volume, mute
fast forward, rewind
And then the pause button
you press Pause,
and when I press the pause on
a video, I want it to pause
But you press it, and
everyone in the film goes
Surely, that button
should say La Cucaracha.
Wed love a La Cucaracha button,
youd go, La Cucaracha!
Im gonna make a toffee
A coffee, that is, not a toffee.
Switch it off, Im gonna make
a toffee, thats a fucking hour!
The coffee is the better one,
I dont know fuck it.
Ah, yes
But I talk about television,
I know television,
Im a child of the television age...
all the gadgets as well;
I like those, but if you lose the control,
we just sit there, going, uhhh
Switch the telly on.
No, Ive lost the control!
We cant even switch it on
by hand, the television is smooth
In the old days, youd say,
Change the channel! No, you
change it! Change the channel!
Eventually, the mouse is going,
Oh, its not in the plan I had!
Ill change the channel, fucking
and the button was
really long in the 70s,
or that turny one
oh, its
come off!
And after a while, the batteries
start to go. 2. 2. 2! 2! 2!
And when this happens,
you take the back off,
you put your hand up
against the batteries,
and you roll them up and down
Yeah! That gives you an extra
two days on batteries!
Two days before the long
walk down to the petrol station
to queue with the murderers
La Cucaracha.
Yeah Wizards never have that problem,
do they, with their magic staff.
I turn you into a pig.
Into a pig!
A pig!
A pi Oh, Im a pig now!
Pig! Frog! Pig! Frog! Pig!
Bloody batteries! Pig! Frog! Louder Pig!
Louder pig!
Louder pig! Mute pig!
La Cucaracha The Pig!
Television- Im addicted to television,
Im actually watching less of it now,
cause at 4:00 in the morning,
Im going, I must watch the
Maybe its important
Beavers do what?
Oh, dams! They build dams!
Okay. If I ever meet one, Ill say,
Build a dam, beaver!
But quiz shows are something
Ive never really got into;
quiz shows like Come On!, you know
Well, officially, Im not into them,
they come on, I go,
God damn it! God, I dont like this
Jesus! A quiz
How would somebody quiz
No, Vienna! Vienna!
Fuck, I knew it was a V town!
The big mainstream quiz games,
like, you know, 8:00 oclock on
some evening, anyone watches anything.
Hey, its 8:00 oclock,
its Who Gives a Shit?
You dont even know what youre
watching, and Im Charlie Smiles,
and here it is,
its Who Gives A Shit?
Two teams of five!
Steve, tell us a bit about yourself!
Well, I
Thats great, Steve!
And something happened
to you when you were 2.
I was shot dead by a duck
wearing Blakeys.
Sounds good, Steve.
This game is very, very simple and very
similar to all the other games in the world.
Youre gonna pick three things out of a
hat, put them together into a small bag.
If you choose the things
off the conveyor belt,
put your headphones on, go into the booth,
listen to some music, come back out,
act out a
scene from Othello,
make a pie out of pastry, act out
another scene, sing a song,
and then, if you do that, you win
a sausage. Do you wanna do that?
Okay, you dont go home empty-handed,
cause were gonna cut your hands off!
Do you want to see
what you would have won?
Do you want to see
what you would have won?
You would have been
president of the world!
3 billion people as your slaves!
Instead, youre gonna spend
your entire life living in a ditch
with poo on your head!
Oh, thank you very much.
Ive invented my own quiz game,
for late nights, sort of Channel 4, when
everyones blasted out of their brains,
and its called Whose Pig Is This? Right?
Thats what its called,
and its got a mainstream presenter,
who just comes out
And these pigs keep getting sent out,
and he goes, Eh, whose pig is this?
The audience is laughing,
and he doesnt know!
Whose pig is this?
Theres a pig in the studio!
Theres a pig here! Can you
get this pig the fuck out of here?
Sorry about that, theres a
pig Everyone laughing,
Right. Whose pig is this now?
It goes on for about two hours,
and 400 pigs are pushed on.
Needs a bit of work, doesnt it?
But its basically there,
the pig motif
But I am a gadget nut, Im a real-
youve heard of techno-fear? Well,
theres techno-fear and techno-joy,
and techno-fear are
people on computers, going,
No I dont Itll
wipe it No How...
And techno-joy are people
I know how to do this!
Its Oh, Ive wiped it!
Oh, it doesnt- hit it
with a hammer!
Thats me, hit it with a
Youre just getting something new, and
you get this big tome to read through,
and you go, Oh, its
so powerful! Oh, fuck
And then you just set fire to it all,
and run around in your
knickers for a bit
But I am into gadgets; I was always
fascinated by James Bonds gadgets,
cause he had these
brilliant little gadgets,
but the guy who gave them to him, Q,
he must have been some sort of psychic,
cause they always gave him exactly
what he would have want of,
very lean, wasnt it?
He used every single item,
he never came back, going,
Q, Ive got a lot of stuff I
didnt use on that adventure.
Went all the way out to
fucking God knows where,
and this watch that
turned into a hamster,
what was the
point of that?
These trousers, press a button,
turn into jam. Why?
The hat turned into a bicycle,
that was very funny
It was! Hed fall into the water,
there were sharks there, he
had a breathing apparatus;
he could breathe up to four minutes.
He never went, Shit! Its in the hotel!
Ive got the trousers that
turn into jam, though
The sharks going,
Oh, theres blood everywhere!
Look, its blo-
Its jam!
Oh, Ive got water in me nose!
Do they do that? Do they go
You see a shark coming to
the surface
Oh, it went down
the wrong way
I swallowed some oxygen
Yeah So he did, he had precisely-
when James Bond got into
the Aston Martin, with the ejector seat,
the baddie sat in the
fucking ejector seat!
He never sat in the back
James going, You couldnt
sit in the front, could you?
No, Mr. Bond,
I will sit in the back.
I will sit in the back seat.
I have a gun on you, Im a
Smores agent and you can go nowhere.
You couldnt come and sit up
here in the front, could you?
Its a nice seat here
I like the company.
No, I will not, Mr. Bond.
Ill sit in the back here.
Where exactly are you from,
by the way?
Dont you take the piss out of me!
I will come up in the front
and talk to you Why dont you
I am a Smores agent, I
have a voice synthesizer in my throat.
I can do any accent
you can think of.
Unfortunately, Ive lost
the instructions, it seems,
and my voice box is stuck on
shop demonstration,
which is a bit of a bummer
Youre a fucking nutter you are!
Still, hes in the
ejector seat now, Ill press
Oh, shit! Im not in the Aston Martin!
Im in a fucking Mini!
Nice car, but no fucking ejector seat.
Even the windows are
those half ones Bugger!
He never did that, did he, James Bond?
He never went
That was more Muttley, wasnt it?
My name is Bond,
James Bond.
That wouldnt be cool enough for him.
You think youve got me, Blowfelt?
Well, you havent!
My name is not Blowfelt,
I am a Smores agent, man.
Right Oh, Ive got a breathing
apparatus! I know what to do.
What are you doing, Mr. Bond?
I can breathe for four
minutes with this, and you cant!
I think I can
Can you? Oh, bum!
You dont have a shark,
do you, by any chance?
Cause they quite like jam, you know
I watch a lot of educational stuff on
telly as well, and I think its great,
cause you can just watch
it and then fuck off;
you can go, Really?
Oh, really? Oh, really?
Thats a great way to
be a student-
if you could have had lessons when you
were at school, going, Oh, really?
Oh, thats great!
No, I didnt know that
Oh, thats the bell! Bye!
Trouble is, the teachers would say,
Now write that out four times,
and then Im gonna test you tomorrow
on stuff Ive not told you about.
I did Physics, for some reason, I
didnt want to do Physics at A-level,
but I did it, and...
I was quite interested
in the space stuff,
String Theory, Stephen Hawkings,
Einsteins Theory of Relativity-
didnt understand what
the hell it was all about
It was great, you come
up with a theory that
you only can test if
you go into a black hole
with a ruler. Oh, really?
Oh, I got sucked in!
There must be 1 or 2 people
in blackholes, going, Hello?
Have you got a ladder?
Youd need quite big forearms
to pull yourself out of a black hole
Sorry, thats a density joke
No, its a gravity joke, no density
joke Fuck it! Anyway So
Yeah, Einstein came up with the
Theory of Relativity, E=mc2.
Energy equals the mass, the weight,
times the speed of light squared,
and the annoying thing is its so
bloody precise, its so- its just there!
And he went, E=mc2. It works!
Im off for a sandwich now!
Im going to America to
plug my head into the main
Now Im going skiing with my
elephant friends! Snowplough!
Fuck off my roof!
Stop skiing off my roof!
Fucking nuclear physicists!
Sorry about that, Mrs. Badcrumble!
Anyway, tell us that joke again
about the three banjo players
Yeah So anyway, he did,
he came up with E=mc2,
and there mustve been some
physicist at the time, going,
E=mc2? I had F=mc2!
Oh, damn!
So close!
F for fudge.
Fudge equals the mass times
the speed of light squared.
But we used to do experiments,
where you tested it.
We decided to test the
Theory of Relativity.
Jeff got a torch
and stood on this side of the room.
Now Jeff, switch the
torch on and shout go,
and I will time how long it takes
to see the light and the speed
Hold on, if you say go,
thats speed of sound,
and I would hear that
after Ive seen the light,
so say go slightly earlier
and you time how early youve
Oh, its a million miles
an hour!
I said a million billion no one
can tell! No one can run that fast!
And mass can you weigh
the torch for the mass, please?
Can you weigh it in a vacuum?
Can you weigh it near a vacuum, then?
You can weigh it near a
vacuum cleaner, thats great!
4.5 fluid ounces
And that is the energy...
in cats pi squared ironing board
And so where are the batteries?
Wallop, wallop, wallop
Then you write it all in a project,
and you put water on it, dry it off
with a hairdryer and give it in. -
Its kind of blurry
Oh, it was the rain!
Finally tonight, I want to talk
about a guy called Pavlov,
who was Eastern European,
I think Russian,
and did the famous experiment,
Pavlovs Dog.
You probably heard of, ring bells
and dogs eating food,
response times,
Pavlovian kind of response,
its all about ice-cream and
And he wrote these experiments.
Day One Pavlovs Dog
Rang bell, dog ate food,
very excited
Hes become Welsh!
Very excited
terribly excited here in...
Day two
been well-accepted here in Russia
changed my name from Evans to Pavlov.
Im now called Gareth Pavlov
and fitting in well.
Day two rang bell, dog ate
two loads of food, very excited.
Day Three, right?
Day Three rang three bells,
dog ate a whole bunch of food...
and my leg, too.
Very excited, win
Nobel Dog Prize for cats.
So he did this, he won the prize
Nobel, whatever he won,
and Pavlovs dog, we all know that,
but you never heard his
cat results, did you?
You probably thought he was finished!
Pavlovs Cat Results Day One
rang bell cat fucked off.
Day Two rang bell,
cat went and answered dog.
Day Three rang bell,
cat said hed eaten earlier.
Day Four went to ring bell on day
four, but cat had stolen batteries.
Final day Day Five

went to ring bell with new batteries,
but cat put his paw on bell,
so it only made a thunk! noise.
Then cat rang his own bell!
I ate food
Im just gonna finish up by talking
about the beginning of time.
Very quick piece, very quick!
Beginning of time- the Big
Bang, right?
Everyone stood well back
What? Oh, okay
Well, how big?
Very big. All right
Stand back, Mrs. Badcrumble.
Come on, Cesar; come
on, Australian man
Come on, Welsh Pavlov
Oh, thank you.
Never go back to the universe
once its been made, come on
Suddenly, BOOM!
They all went, Fucking ell!
And it was made, the
whole universe exploded
out in perfect circular bits that became
planets later, which was very lucky,
and later on all the planets
are gonna go all the way back
to the middle and crash back
in when the gravity gives out,
and when it goes back in, I want
to be on top of the world,
holding on to big reins,
going, Come on!
Come on! Come on! Anyway
But later on, the Earth cooled,
and Mother Nature revealed itself
to the world one day. She said,
Creatures of the world!
Gather round,
I shall give you your
methods of procreation.
All the creatures going,
Oh, cheers, Mother Nature!
Ive been dying for a shag, me!
All right, gather round
Heres a big clipboard here,
big flipchart!
Now whats this?
Ccheese Minis
anyone knows what this is?
Glue factory anyone? Glue factory?
Here we go. Dogs!
How you doing, dogs?
Okay, now dogs
we have got you down, dogs
your method of procreation
will be doggy fashion!
How about that?
Yeah, we invented it!
I know you did!
And its caught on big time!
Okay, off you go
Be careful with the air lock!
Now, cats
Cats, good to meet you. Now, weve
got you down for doggy fashion!
How about that?
What about catty fashion?
No, sorry, dogs got in there first;
its a patent
pending situation
Anyway, youve got cat flaps,
so what the fuck are you arguing about?
Now Pavlov, what are you doing here?
Well, Ive been trying to do things and
Ooh, Im hungry now!
Next we have
Good haircut, by the way
Weve got you down for doggy fashion!
If you get hot, just take your
coats off, right?
Okay You wearing Blakeys?
Mouse, what are you doing here?
Well, Ive got a space rocket out of jam
It wont work, but
its not my best laid plan.
I could go aglay
but Mrs. Badcrumble
is coming, and Cesar,
and the Australian guy
And we could burn up on re-entry,
or become a sort of thing.
Well, think of a joke for the
end of that line, anyway
Off you go
Now giraffes! Good to see you.
Weve got you down for doggy fashion,
but its whatever you
can work out, basically.
Hang off a lamppost,
lean over a tree,
you know just swing
about a bit; I mean, sorry,
we were gonna make you
like a Spaniel kind of size,
but someone brought me
a coffee and vooom!
when I was doing design work,
and there you go
Anyway, chin up! All right
Human beings Well,
doggy fashion, catty fashion,
giraffe fashion, sheep fashion;
whatever the hell you want,
Hang upside down like a bat,
play the banjo, do it on a
golf course!
As long as you get guilt in there
somewhere, we really dont mind
Now finally, salmon! Good
Got a bit of a surprise
for you, people
What youre gonna do is
to swim upstream against a...
down-flowing river until
you come to a huge waterfall
and youre going to leap, and leap,
and leap, and leap up this waterfall,
and you swim along, and you leap,
and leap, and leap, and leap;
then you get along,
and you lay eggs,
and you fertilize the eggs, and
then you drop down dead! Ha!
Were quite happy with doggy fashion
No You piss me off, you salmon!
Youre too expensive
in restaurants, thats your trouble
And theres a moral to this story.
Or at least there was
supposed to be a moral,
but because Im dyslexic,
it is, in fact, a marble.
Thank you, good night.