EdTV (1999) Movie Script

Since its debut, | True TV has brought you...
the finest in documentary | and informational programming.
You've counted on us, | and we've taken you there.
From the edge of the world | to the edge of your seat,
from the streets of L.A. | to the Serengeti Plain,
from inner peace to outer space,
your funniest moments | and most tragic times.
You've laughed, you've cried, | you've almost died.
But now we'll take you | where you've never been before.
No script, no actors, no editing.
All day, all night, all true.
Every second is true on True TV...
this spring.
So, any questions?
I think we get that it's true, | but what is it?
Cynthia, why don't you come up here? | This is your moment.
Folks, this is Cynthia Topping. | She's the program director at True TV.
She's the one that's gonna be strapped | to a Scud missile if this doesn't work.
Thank you, Mr. Whitaker. | I've always wanted to travel.
- Yes? | - Isn't this show similar to a show P.B.S. had in the '70s?
- The Loud Family? | - No, no, this is completely different.
We are gonna- | We're gonna pick one person,
one, one normal person,
not like you folks.
And we're gonna put that person's life | on television all day long, live.
It's not P.B.S., | it's not Real World.
We're not gonna film it | and then edit it later.
Is that how I sound? | I don't sound like that, do I?
- More or less. | - On a good day.
You never said anything?
- I don't mean to be negative here. | - Ooh!
I know this was your idea, but doesn't | this have a great chance of being-
A big, smelly bomb? | Oh, you betcha! Yeah.
And wouldn't that be, | you know, a bad thing?
Keith, we're getting our butts kicked | by the Gardening Channel.
People would rather watch soil.
We are this close to having | chalk outlines around our careers.
I love that we're doing this, | and I love that it's risky.
All anyone every does | in this business is follow the pack.
Hell, if people tune into this twice | a day for five minutes, we're a hit.
You know what finally | convinced me that this could work?
Half a dozen wine coolers?
When I realized that | the person we pick,
the guy that's on TV | all day long, doesn't have to be good.
- If he's good, great, but if he's bad, even better. | - Bad is better?
People can't turn away from an accident. | You drive by and say,
"Ooh, I hope there's not | a head in the road. That would be-"
But then you look. | You don't wanna miss it.
So we put a guy on TV, | and we sit and wait and see...
if that head starts rollin' | down the highway.
Now that's fun | for the whole family.
- So, what's our next step? | - We find ourselves a big, fat rolling head.
Are you seeing this? | Are you looking around you?
God, you know what this is?
This is a horror show.
- What are you going off about now, John Boy? | - This doesn't bug you?
All our friends and | everybody getting married,
and are having kids | and their careers.
- Their kids are having careers. It's a mess. | - Why would that bug me?
Look at us, right? | We are doin' fine.
Oh. Okay. | You have a beer around your neck.
- Okay? | - That's my point!
- Your brother's here. | - Hey, go long, man.
I'm gonna go say hi to Kim.
Yeah. Listen, that was great | tonight. I loved it. Oh, man!
- Insane, Ray. | - What's goin' on?
I'm tellin' ya, it's weird.
We meet, we go out and bing-bang-boom, | she's got me meetin' her parents.
What do you mean, | bing-bang-boom, buddy?
You've been goin' out with her | for six months.
- Yeah? | - Yeah.
I suddenly feel like | the walls are closing in on me.
You know? The father is sittin' there | askin' me about my career prospects.
- What was I saying? | - Can you believe that?
Oh, at dinner,
the dog is sniffing my balls.
At least I hope it was the dog,
because her mother | disappeared for a while.
- What's goin' on over there? | - They're doin' audition tapes for that True TV thing.
People are sendin' 'em in | from all over the place.
- Oh, yeah? That's cool! | - What's cool?
- To be that guy, that guy they watch all day. | - Get outta here.
Mark my words. | That guy is gonna be famous.
He'll be able to get | whatever he wants, whoever he wants.
Hey, trust me. | This is my business.
- What is? | - Show business.
- You in show business now? | - Yeah, I service video equipment.
That's like saying those people stitchin' | Nikes in Panama are in the N.B.A.
- Bed-wetter. | - Thumb-sucker.
- You know what? I'm gonna go make a tape. | - You know what?
I'm excited.
I know that I can do this.
It's my turn. | I'm next, I'm next.
- Buzz, can I get one more? | - You got it.
Hello there.
So Ray met the family, huh?
Oh, yeah.
I heard the dog really liked him.
Yeah. The whole family loved him.
But of course, my whole family really | loved the last guy I went out with,
and he strung me along | for a year and then dumped me.
- Yeah? | - Mm-hmm.
And, you know, every guy | I ever broke up with,
the minute it's over, | I could tell you what went wrong.
How it went wrong. | Why it had to go wrong.
But when I'm in it,
I'm like a love coroner!
Bring me the corpse, | I'll tell you what killed it.
But how to prevent it? Lost.
Hi! I'm Ray Pekurny!
I'm from here in San Francisco, | the greatest city in the world.
- Are you with me? | - Yeah!
Go, Niners!
How are things goin'?
Okay, I want to introduce you | to my girlfriend.
She's really cute, she's really cool,
and she's... really strong.
She's a U.P.S. person. | She lifts packages. Not beefy.
She told me this Joke. What do you get | when you cross U.P.S. with Fed Ex?
Fed up! It's her Joke.
Oh, my brother, my brother. | Ed, yeah, come on.
- Say somethin', Ed. | - Asshole!
- Come on, man. Say somethin'. | - All right.
I don't know about this whole 24-hour | TV thing y'all got goin',
- but if you are gonna go forward with it, this is your man. | - Smart guy.
The Ray-man here. | This guy's got stories.
- This guy has lived. | - I've got stories. I've lived!
- Tell 'em about that dog grooming business you started. | - No, not that story.
- You gotta tell 'em about that. | - No, I don't really wanna-
I'm telling. Here we go.
- This guy? | - Yeah, take a look at this kid.
He was gonna start up a mobile | dog groomin' business.
- He's cute. Yes! | - Really?
- He doesn't wanna be like everybody else. | - No.
He doesn't start it in a van or a pickup | truck or something like that.
- The Ray-man, he starts it in a Camry! | - Camry!
- Camry! Two door. | - Camry.
So he gets a tub, | and he puts it in the trunk.
He throws the dogs in the tub, slams | the trunk and starts drivin' around.
Speeds up, stops real quick, turns left, | turns right to get the dogs all sudded up.
Pretty smart, right? Now, guess | how he dries 'em off. Guess.
With the exhaust!
What do you say? We bring him in, | can't hurt. Just talk to him?
Well, I'm from east Texas. Yep.
And when I was like 13,
my mom got remarried to my stepfather | who was a traveling salesman.
He got transferred up here to | San Francisco, so we all came along.
- Here we are, here I am. | - Mm-hmm. Terrific.
- Did you go to college or- | - I had a year of Junior college.
Home of the Bear Cats.
Oh, scary. What did you study?
Studyin'? Geez, that'd have been | a big help. Where were you then?
That's cute.
- Straight ahead. | - What? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And as you see, I can get rid | of the Texas accent whenever I want.
Or I can Just slide...
real deep on into it like this.
How do you decide?
To tell you the truth, | I find this accent here...
don't do me no harm | with the ladies.
Know what I mean, darlin'?
No, never been married.
I've been burned | a couple times, though.
My father?
Um, well, let's see. When I was 12, | my mom got a hysterectomy.
He ran off with her nurse, | and I haven't seen him since.
That's my dad, Hank Pekurny.
Next question?
Like one time I was playin' | pee-wee football back in Texas, right?
And I dislocated my finger.
My mom comes rollin' out of | the bleachers now...
and busts through this little | group of kids, grabs my finger.
Whack! | Pops it back into place.
Runs up, slaps the coach upside the head | and says, "Let's get the game on!"
That's Mom.
Well, I still can't really | bend this finger, though.
Uh, a dream? | Oh, yeah, man, I got a dream.
I, uh, Just don't know | what it is yet, you know?
Did you test him? | Did you do any research?
We don't even have money in | our budget for coffee filters.
We're using a yarmulke.
But this is who you want?
I'm going based on something you once | said at a broadcaster's dinner.
I love it. I love it!
You see what she does?
See what she does? | She attaches me to her choice.
Thereby fueling my massive ego...
and forcing me to like it.
You're great! | How come you never doodle my name?
- I-I do. | - I'm Joking.
I'm Joking.
Once again.
This is the guy | you want to go with?
What happens when you go to | the bathroom? Do they go in with ya?
No, Al! | I mean, the bathroom's out of bounds.
Dinner's gettin' cold!
My life is not so great | that I want it shown on television.
And neither is yours, Ed.
- That's the whole point. This could change all that. | - How?
- Huh. Ha. I'm glad you asked. I want to open a gym. | - A gymnasium?
No. A gymnasium is an old, white guy | shootin' free throws like this.
I'm talkin' a modern-day | fitness center.
What does this have | to do with Ed?
If Ed is on TV for a month, | he gets a balloon payment.
That's big money.
I'd borrow against that right now | at the bank, I'd buy the gym,
I make Ed a silent partner,
and I cut all you in for a slice | because you signed the releases.
- This is gonna cost us. | - It's not gonna- Hey, look.
Open your eyes instead of your mouth | for once. This is a no-brainer.
The whole time I'm gonna | be promoting the gym on TV.
It's free advertising.
I mean- | Does anyone else see this?
How 'bout sex?
Sorry, Al, but | I'm gonna have to pass.
And it's not an age thing, | 'cause you are still a handsome man.
No! Do they show you having sex?
No, Al. | Look, kissin' and huggin'.
- Nudity? | - Ed, you're not gonna be nude.
- Why would I be nude, Ma? | - What kind of a show is this? It's a filthy show!
- It is not a filthy show. | - Have you even read the whole contract?
- Do you even know what's in it? | - Miss Cautious all of a sudden.
She meets a guy in a bar, | she's married an hour later.
- We didn't get married, we Just thought we were married. | - Marcia, calm down, honey.
He's pickin' on me, and he's | bringin' up all kinds of issues.
- Married is married is married. | - Maybe this isn't a good idea.
What isn't?
The whole thing. Maybe I'll Just | get out now before it gets complicated.
- No harm, no foul. | - Great. They had to pick you. They couldn't pick me.
If he doesn't want to do it-
If he doesn't want to do it? He's 31 | years old, he's a video store clerk!
What is his grand master plan here?
What, is he gonna spend | the rest of his life...
rearranging Ernest movies?
Everyone who works there | is 12 years old.
They go through college, they graduate, | and then they stop working there.
Except for him! He stays to welcome | the next batch of 12-year-olds.
It's a Job for retards!
Ray, stop that!
- Was I being insultin'? | - Uh-huh.
- Tch! | - Yeah, kinda.
- As usual. | - A fella can't-
All right, look, look. Hey.
- You don't have to be scared. | - I'm not scared.
- Don't be scared. You're scared, man. | - I'm not scared.
- I am not scared, Ray. - I know you | got that doe-in-the-headlights look.
You're mixing your proteins | and starches, and you can't-
I'll tell you what. You don't have to | worry about anything. You know why? Huh?
- No, why? | - Because big brother's riding shotgun.
I've got your back.
Did anything ever happen to you when you | were a kid? Anyone ever bother you?
- Just you. | - Just- Just me.
You bring those cameras over | to big brother, and I promise you...
I will make something happen | for both of us, for all of us!
You know, how many chances | do guys like you and I get?
- I don't know. | - Yeah, that's right, you don't know.
Guys, when am I gonna get my on-air | feed? All I'm gettin' are color bars.
Mike, loosen up a little bit. | Stand by to lose laser. Yeah, good.
T.O.C., we're ready to feed.
Carlos, show me where | you're gonna be when we go live.
There you go, right there. Go back up | a little bit. Okay, right there.
Guys, we're gonna go in ten, nine-
- Hold on, I'm coming. | - Has it started?
- Good morning. | - Sorry.
Four, three, two,
and ready one, take one.
There he is!
Not the best angle.
This is exciting.
Oh, my God, | is that what I think it is?
- I think so. | - A little morning chubby.
Oh, no.
Oh, honey.
- Don't do that. | - Pull it out, pull it out.
Well, that's embarrassing.
- Microphone. | - Mm. Microphone.
Turn on the TV.
I'm Ed.
There's that smile!
- Ow, ow, ow! Hot! | - Whoa, an action sequence.
I kind of pieced this stereo | together, a homemade Job.
This is my wall of chrome.
I've been collecting those | since, like, 1973.
Oh, wow.
- What'd I miss? | - He's checking out his own ass.
You gotta see this. | Oh, my-
Oh, my God!
All right
Come on, man, hop in.
Let's go!
I need a little time | to believe what's true
I don't know what's going on
Some days I'm stayin'
Some days I'm like a rollin' stone
The mast is down.
Let's go, Sam, let's go!
I can't take it
I'm thinkin' back so many faces
- My heart, my love- | - Hey, Ed! Ed, up here!
Guys, film me. Yeah, hi! | Ed, up here!
Hey! Hey!
Act like everything is normal.
Go, go!
What's up, Ed?
- Guys. | - Welcome to work, Ed.
It's good to be at work... Lou.
I've got Just what you need, boys.
The best tape in the whole damn store. | Smokey and the Bandit. Huh?
- Who's in that? | - Who?
Burton Leon Reynolds, Jr., | is in that, boys.
- Who? | - Burton Leon Reynolds, Jr.
Get out.
You can't have this tape. | G- Go home!
Get your raggedy little | Steven Segal-lovin' asses outta here.
"Who is this?" | It's Burt Reynolds!
Burt. Burt rules.
Alice, why are we watching this?
No reason, | I Just wanna see what happens.
Let me spare you the suspense. Nothing's | gonna happen. Trust me on this.
Which one of these albums | would you recommend?
I gotta go with that. Yeah.
That's a good choice. | That's their first album.
- I think he's cute. | - Can't go wrong with the first album.
It's like before they learned how to.
No, no, no.
You look at your husband, okay? I'm | gonna make you say my name tonight, woman.
Most people like to hurry | through a toenail clippin' session.
Just clip and git.
Not me.
I like to take my time.
I'm meticulous, you know?
I like to do it.
If this guy collects | his toe cheese, I'm outta here.
Some guys start here, then down | to the little toe. That ain't me.
I save the big one...
for last.
'Cause it's bigger. You gotta do | some work, you gotta be an artiste.
Look at that.
No. No, I haven't seen | the spot ratings.
You know how you're watching the big | game and you gotta do your business?
Right? | The worst time to do it.
Yeah. That's a number that, hopefully, | we can obvi- we'll build from.
I don't have to anymore. | Check that out. I designed this.
No, I disagree. I don't think | it's time to pull the plug.
Yes, Mr. Whitaker, | I know they shoot horses.
What do you see? | What is that?
That is the TV. | And where am I?
I am on the can. | At the same time I am on the can,
but yet I am still a fan.
You know, it's been one day.
Can you give me a week with this guy, | and then you fly up my nose? Hello?
Somebody smart said, | "Practicality wins out. "
So, in this bathroom | I'm a... winner.
Six. Seven.
Eight. Nine!
Come on, Ray, she's not that heavy.
Yeah, yeah!
You shifted your weight.
I'm not hurt, I'm not hurt. | I'm okay.
Ray's Gym! | Now accepting applications!
- We want your body! Ray's! | - Look what he did for me. Huh? Huh?
All right! Oh, God!
Hey, John Boy!
What do you like about it? | I don't understand.
I don't know. It's Just that- | Well- Just let me watch.
You're gonna love this. | This is a great story.
I got a great story. You remember | Marcia? Of course, she's our sister.
She's goin' out with this new guy.
- They're livin' together. | - You want to save this till later?
No, no, now's the perfect time.
He's a singer in a piano bar. Sings, | plays the piano. And that's how they met.
- He sang to her and they fell in love. | - Not even, Buzz.
No. Get this. Some drunk hit him | in the head with a snifter.
One of those things | you keep on the bar for tips?
You don't know, Buzz, | 'cause you never get tips.
He hit him over the head 'cause he's | terrible, he's wretched, he's awful.
He's dreadful, he sucks, | I'm tellin' ya, right?
That's what happened. She's pullin' | a chunk of glass out of his skull,
and he bleeds on her, | and that's all she needs!
Bing! It's amore, right?
The question I'm askin' is:
What's she doin' in a bar? | She's an alcoholic for Christ's sakes!
No, Ray, buddy, not here.
I gotta pee, I gotta pee.
Hey, what, are you hidin' | from the police or somethin'?
Come on, show yourself. | Look, is she beautiful?
She's beautiful, right? | That's my girl.
While I'm gone, Edward, tell | 'em about that time we lied to Mom...
and then went to TiJuana | to find the donkey show.
I got her, I got her.
- You are, though. | - What?
- Thank you. | - You're welcome. Yeah, bud?
I'm taking a poll on whether or not | I should shave my head.
I've had about 19 beers, | so take that into account.
- Barry, did you see that? | - What?
- The girl. The look. | - Yeah.
She likes the Ed guy better | than she likes the brother.
I don't think I like it. | I don't think it's nice.
It's a good set of hair | you got on your head now.
I've had about enough of this. | Give me the remote.
Just a few more minutes. | Read your book.
I wanna tell you a story
I wanna tell you about my town
I wanna tell you a story about people
Not this morning. Uh-uh.
Let's change topics. Does anybody | have an opinion, a viewpoint...
on something going on now | called Ed TV?
Oh! This is a new low point | in American culture.
You're being kind. | You're being way too kind.
Brushin' my teeth.
They never bothered | to pick a guy with any talent.
Or even anything to say.
They seem to celebrate | the fact that the guy's a boob.
Sort of a Joyous celebration | of boobery. That's what it is.
Take it easy.
- Hey, Ed, your show stinks. | - What a loser!
Hey, Ed, you want my autograph?
Ten dollars?
Listen, we had a deal, | you little eight-year-old bastard.
I'll tell you what. | Keep the dog.
Who is it?
- Who is it? | - It's me, Ed, buddy.
Ed? Just kiddin'. How you doin'?
Good. You ready to watch the game?
Actually, no. I'm a little bit sleepy. | I'm tired, exhausted-
What are you talkin' about being | sleepy? Five minutes to tip-off.
It's time for Rocket ball!
Ray, where do you keep | the glasses?
Oh, Shari's here. | Why didn't you Just say so, huh?
- Hi, Shari. | - Who's Shari?
Who's that?
Okay. Oh, God, oh, God.
- Want me to get that? | - No, I got it. Ed, don't go, I-
Whoa, whoa! Look at that! | Get in on that!
Oh, man!
You're being misled by | a manipulating medium called television.
- Let's get out. | - No, she's a homeless girl. Ed, don't leave.
She was out on the street, so I-
She didn't have any clothes or a place to stay, and I | - Honey? Oh, shit! Ed?
What do you mean homeless? | My place is better than this dump.
- What? | - That was Shari on the phone. She saw the whole thing on TV.
- I gotta tell ya, she's pissed. | - No shit, Ray. Who's the girl?
The- Come here a second.
She's the receptionist at the place | where I buy that gym equipment.
And she's a real knockout and a redhead | to boot, which I've never had.
And she's never given me | the time of day.
Suddenly, today she's all, "Hey, | I saw you on TV, and you were great. "
And I'm all, "You know, I Just made some | gingerroot gazpacho, come on over. "
The next thing you know, | ba-da-bing!
- I mean, I'm human. | - What do you mean? Why didn't you stop?
- Why didn't you stop? | - I'm the guy. I don't stop!
That's the woman's Job. | We're the gas, they're the brakes.
- Go talk to Shari. Honey, let him come talk to you. | - Why? Why me?
- Because you brought the cameras here. | - You brought the girl.
Is that the way it is? You can't do me | that one little, simple favor? Great.
Okay, I don't need | any favors from you!
Matter of fact, | P.S., go to hell!
Friggin' out of his gourd.
Ed, man, come on, you know | I really need this. I need this!
If I go over there, | you know they're coming with me.
If I go over, she's gonna put my balls | in a blender. You know you would, honey.
All I'm askin' is Just go talk to her | and beg her. Beg her if you have-
Actually, honey, Just let him | come beg you. And you owe me.
- I owe you? | - You know you owe me.
- I owe you. I owe you? | - You owe me.
Yes, go!
I can't go on about this. | "I owe you, you owe me. "
Look, I have a guest. I'm bein' rude, | all right? I'll talk to you.
Thanks, honey. Okay.
Yeah, yeah, Phil, | are you watchin' this?
- Friggin' out of his gourd. | - You might wanna take a look.
- Jack, let's go. We're gonna be late. | - Shush.
- Don't shush me. Oh, shush. | - Shush! Shush!
Hi, I'm Rita. | I'm Shari's roommate.
Hey, Rita, I'm Ed.
- Shari knew you were coming over because she saw. | - The cameras, yeah.
She really doesn't want you | and the cameras up here now.
Right. Ah, well, at least- | How is she doin'?
I gave her a drink. | I thought-
But she's not much of a drinker, | so it's made her a little...
- What do you want? | - belligerent.
Hey, Shari.
Listen, I'm real sorry about all this.
Can I come up?
Come on, Shari.
I know it's real awkward with the | cameras, but let me come say two words.
Shari, come on, would ya?
I'm gettin' really wet down here. | Can I come up?
All right, here we go, Carlos.
Just stay with him. | Stay with him.
Hang on, Mike.
- Ken, am I set? | - You're hard-wired, Mike.
- Hi. | - Hey.
- Thanks for lettin' me up. | - Sure.
Hey, Shari.
- I'm gonna go to bed. Good night. | - Did I miss anything?
Good night.
Hi, Mom.
Ray feels-
Don't defend | that horse's ass to me!
I'm not. I'm not | defending him, Shari.
I'm Just sayin', | maybe this is a good thing.
He got it out of his system, right?
He knows it's not worth it.
- So one day if you two | decide to get married- - Ha!
I've got news for you.
I never intended to marry him.
Well, for one thing...
he's a bad lay.
I mean bad!
You tell him!
Ah, you know that's terrible.
Oh, shit.
Hey, Shari-
You happy now, Ray?
Listen, I think you're pissed-off | at him, and you're hurt.
And you're trying | to get back at Ray.
Don't you think?
Yep, you're right. It's me.
It's me! It's always me!
I- I go out with | all different kinds of guys,
and the same thing | keeps happening!
Look. You know what? | See these magazines?
I take these quizzes. | "How Are You At Relationships?"
I cheat, okay? | I look in the back for the answers.
Rita says men suck | and they should all die.
Then she eats a pound cake. | She's crazy, but she's not confused.
Me, I examine every little thing.
I'm Just like this.
- Shari. | - What?
You're way too terrific of a person | to be doin' this to yourself. You are.
I mean, hey, I've told Ray | a couple of times...
I think you are one | of the best and smartest...
and most attractive women | that I have ever met.
I mean that.
- Really? | - Yeah, really.
There is nothin' wrong with you.
Kiss him. Kiss him!
Don't do it, Ed.
Don't you kiss her. | Don't you kiss her.
I'm nuts, huh? | Hah! I told him.
Yes! Yes, I win!
Oh, Whitaker, you schmuck, | I am the golden goddess of television!
Oh, my God.
Yes, yes, you're on television. | You're on television!
Oh, my God.
Oh, God!
Oh, wow.
Listen, Shari? | It's okay.
I Just kissed my boyfriend's brother | on television! How is that okay?
When you put it that way, | no, it's not ideal.
- Please go. Go! | - Let's talk.
All right. We're outta here, guys. | Come on, she's right.
Son of a bitch. | What the hell Just happened?
Hey, hey!
- Ed, you can't do this to me! | - We're locked out!
No, Carlos, you're killing me! Just | shoot the door. I got Mike up on the roof.
I'm comin'.
What are we doing?
- I've got to tell you something. | - What?
- I've had a big thing for you for months. | - Really?
Yeah. I've been seeing you going out | with Ray and you bein' his girlfriend,
and the whole time I was wishing | you were my girlfriend.
See, me, too!
I am going out with Ray, | and all I can think about is you.
I treated you like a princess!
- This is so weird. | - Yeah, it is weird.
Oh, I gotta go.
! Uno mas?
Ray? Oh, hey, Al. | You seen Ray?
- Is he around? | - I'm on television!
Ray was here, but he left when | he saw you were comin' over.
- Shit. | - That was some night last night, huh?
Yeah, it damn sure was, Al.
All right, how about Mom? | Is she around?
She's here in the bedroom. | I'd yell for her, but I'd die.
Don't do that. Mom!
I'm here, darlin'. No need to shout. | That's not how you were brought up.
Mom, what are you doin'.
Hello, everybody. | Welcome to my home.
- Blanche DuBois lives. | - Mom, Mom.
I'm looking for Ray. I've been calling | him. He won't call me back.
How could you do something like that? | Your own brother's girlfriend.
It's not all my fault. | He cheated on her.
- It was a mistake. | - Yes, it was a mistake. Do you know where he is?
No. Maybe he's watching.
Tell him you're sorry. Tell him you | will stay away from that girl.
No, Ma! And that girl | has a name, okay?
What, do you love her | or something?
- Come on, Al. | - Look at that red face.
I had a car that color. | A Buick!
Aren't you excited?
- He practically said he loved you on television! | - I know.
Hi, girls. Hi.
Take my picture. | Here, take my picture.
I gotta go to work. | You understand that?
I am really gonna | get hurt this time.
Here we go, girls. | I'm goin' to work. Bye.
Yeah, Doc, | I stopped payment on the plugs.
You gave me doll hair!
I'll hold.
- Okay, now I'll tell you something else. | - Yeah.
- The old guy in the wheelchair, the stepfather? | - Yeah.
They're gonna have him die.
That was Whitaker on the phone.
I'm gonna have to scrub my ass | because he's on his way over to kiss it.
Ed, bring it on in, buddy.
That's right, come on.
A little further. Come on. | All right, perfect, man.
- I got my own parking spot now? | - It's all for you, Ed.
- How's it going, man? | - Good, Mark, how are you?
- Thanks, man. | - Ed, you're the best, man.
- Hi, Mom. | - Saw you last night. Lookin' good, man.
Hi, Ed.
Ray! Man, I've been | lookin' all over for you.
Listen, I know I got | some explaining to do.
Just let me do | what I came here to do.
What, do you want to fight?
Cassie. Cassie, come on.
- This is really hard. | - You promised.
- What are you doing, Ray? | - Go ahead.
I went out with Ray | a few years ago...
for a couple of months,
and we were intimate.
And... he's really not as bad | as that girl said he was.
- I mean, I've definitely had worse. | - That's enough.
I think we did what we came here for.
- Good-bye, brother. | - No, no, come on, Ray!
Ray, what are you-
I'm in the bathroom. Go ahead.
Sorry we're calling so late.
- It's this is the only time we get to talk to you off camera. | - It's cool, Cynthia, I was up.
Ed, why didn't you go | see Shari today, man?
- That's what everybody was hoping | you'd do. - I wanted to, but-
Is it about Ray? Because Ray is | not a problem. He cheated on Shari.
That's right, Ed. Viewers don't like | Ray. The research says females-
No, hey, guys, | it's not Ray. Okay?
- Cynthia? | - Yes, Ed?
You got a second? | Can I talk to you alone for a second?
Absolutely, yeah. Why don't you guys | take off? I'll see you in the morning.
- Okay, see you later. | - All right, I'll see you later.
Good-bye. All right. | See you later.
Ed, how's it goin'?
I'm good, you know? I'm, I'm good. | Everything's- Everything's cool.
Did you decide you don't | really like Shari that much?
No! N-N-N-No! | Listen, that's not it at all.
I like Shari plenty. | Shari is- Oh, man.
- Shari's great. | - Yeah?
Look, Cynthia, | how's this gonna work?
What, are we gonna date on TV? | She's not gonna like that.
- If you don't call her, you're not really giving her a choice. | - Okay.
- Ed? | - What?
- Can I give you some advice about women? | - Sure.
Women want to be pursued.
Yes, but-
- Ed? | - Huh?
What would Burt do?
This is so exciting. | A real celebrity delivering my figs.
Yeah. Okay, if you would | Just sign right here, please.
Ray's a pig. That Ed is a doll. | Latch onto him, honey.
Okay. Just sign right there | in the black area, please.
It wouldn't kill you to use more makeup | on television. You look washed out.
- What would I actually have to do | do get you to sign this? - Uh-huh.
On television a minute, | and already you got an attitude.
- Bye-bye. | - Bye-bye.
- What are you doing? | - I missed you.
Wow. I've never seen you | in uniform before.
Yeah, well-
It's really quite a turnoff.
Thank you.
Listen, Sunday night | at the Sharks game,
I'm gonna be driving the Zamboni.
- The what? | - That big machine that cleans the ice, you know?
It's quite an honor. | Will you go with me?
Say, look, I know | this is weird, Shari,
but I don't want to wait.
I don't.
I really think we might | have something here.
Don't you?
- Oh, these are for you. | - Thank you.
So will you be my Zamboni date?
- Yes. | - All right.
- Cynthia, this is great. This is incredible! | - It's perfect.
Yeah, well.
Ladies and gentlemen, Ed Pekurny!
Where's my girl? Where's my girl? | There she is!
Let's go, Ed! | Let's go, Ed!
There are girls
Just ripe for some kissin'
And I mean
To kiss me a few
Man, those chicks don't know | what they're missing
- Ow! Don't kick me in the shin. | - Don't make fun of him!
Living to do
Sizzlin' steaks all ready
For tastin'
And those Cadillacs | all shiny and new
Oh, my God, Ed, look!
Got a lot of living to do
Hey, it's Ed!
Good evening, Ken. | How's it goin'?
How's it goin'? The girl I'm seeing | is dancing with that guy right there.
Good night.
Oh, my God, it's Ed!
- Eddie! | - You're the man, Ed!
My man Ed! Ed!
Look at this. | How cool is this?
He's a Beatle. Well, he's not | a Beatle, but he's a Spice Girl,
or a Beanie Baby.
He's Menudo!
Hey, Shari, lucky lady! | I want to be on TV with you.
Look over there at that monitor.
- Stop it! | - Who do you think you are? Just take a picture.
Move, move, get out of the goddamn way! | Come here! Come here!
Hold on, I got you. Back off!
I got you. Back, back!
You okay, baby?
Okay, we're gonna take a break now. | Just take five.
Are you okay?
Oh, wow. You went down.
I lost an earring.
You think you can go out | and get it?
- Yeah, I'll get it. | - No, I'm Just kidding.
- You're kiddin'? | - Just kidding. Would you really do that?
Yeah, I'd do that. | I mean, if you wanted... your earring.
I didn't wanna make a scene
But you were there
I saw you slip away
You were everything good to me
I saw you slip away
You were everything good to me
Oh, wow, that's | the new camera truck, huh?
Look at my enormous head.
Anyway, Cynthia, | last night, that was scary.
Don't worry about that. That won't | happen again. We're getting you security.
- Good. | - I have some news for you.
- What's that? | - We're picking up Ed TV for another month.
Say that again.
We're picking you up | for another month.
That means a balloon payment | and a big raise next month.
Are you tellin' me | that the balloon payment,
- I'm gonna get that? | - Yeah.
Here we go.
Thank you! Oh, man, | this is incredible.
This is amazing!
Yes! Another month | and a balloon payment!
Ray, if you're watching-
- Who the hell'd be watching this. | - Did you hear this?
I got the payment, buddy. This money's | for you! To pay back that loan!
It's for you, brother! Come on.
What do we do when we're happy? | Chicken dance, baby.
Come on, I know you're doin' it | wherever you are.
If I was doin' it, | I wouldn't do it like that.
I'm on for another month
Fingers start shakin'
Everybody back up, please.
Please, clear a path to the car.
Get off, man.
Four weeks ago, no one in America | had ever heard of Ed Pekurny.
Today this 31-year-old | video store clerk...
has become something of an American | icon, a national obsession.
I try not to go to the bathroom | until Ed goes to the bathroom...
so I don't miss anything.
- The idea Just came to me. | - Sure, it came to you because I brought it to you.
I'm not a- I'm not a guy who works | by committee. I'm a one-man show.
What do you guys | think about Shari?
She's needy! | I don't like her.
She's too tall. | It's, like, abnormal.
Yeah. She creeps me out. | She's always, "Get away!"
I mean, | who does she think she is?
I know! | And she's so bony!
Like to me, this Shari's | like nothing, right?
She's not even hot. | I mean, Ed's a celebrity.
If that was me, | I'd be dating the goods.
There's like something wrong with her. | She's definitely not hot.
Not hot, not hot. No way.
She is a heat-free being.
Hello? Hi, here you go.
Oh, hi, yeah. I've been | waiting for this. Thank you.
- Y'all watching Ed TV, right? | - Sign right here, please.
What's up with Shari? Ed's girlfriend, | Shari? What is up with that bitch?
Ed, honey, look,
when you get tired | of that skanky ho,
come see me, baby.
Check out the moves!
Watch this one.
Oh, she's down.
Get outta here.
Come pile on! | Set down the groceries.
Come here!
Where're you goin', baby?
No, we're not gonna | do it today, Shari.
- I'm gonna go get ready. | - Baby! Hey, is everything all right?
My truck broke down, | and I got stuck in the rain.
I called the company, | and no one came to get me.
- Rita! | - Just a second.
- Don't they give you a hat? | - Some dorky kid stole it as a souvenir.
That sucks.
I'm kinda glad that he did, | 'cause, goddamn, you look sexy.
Ed, I don't wanna be | on television anymore.
Shari, how's that gonna work?
I have been trying, okay?
But maybe we should Just | hold off on seeing each other...
until you are done | with all of this.
You're outta there, baby! | All right? Yeah!
I knew it was gonna happen! | I told you!
- That's a little extreme, isn't it? | - I can't take it anymore.
- I have no privacy. | - Oh, boo-hoo.
Even now I'm crying, and I can't stop, | and they won't leave.
And now it's gonna be | another month!
- Everybody hates me. | - Nobody hates you. Why are you-
- Who hates you? | - A poll, Ed!
U.S.A. Today: | "Is Shari Good Enough For Ed?"
Seventy-one percent | of the people said no.
Who cares about what they say? | I don't care.
No, I do care. You know what? | Shame on everybody!
She's cryin' over here, | and it's all your fault.
- Twenty-nine. | - Twenty-nine percent.
You're smart! | Isn't she smart?
God, she's sexy with | the wet hair and everything.
And she's funny.
She's really funny, too. | She really is!
Oh! Shari, do that, that Love Coroner | skit you did at the pool hall.
It's so fucking great. It's great. | Okay. Okay, baby? Set?
Back up, get a wide shot | of this, okay.
All right, baby, remember- | Whoo-whoo-whoo.
That's the punch line, all right? | You got a whole runway.
Are you set to pop? | Ones and twos and- Look right here.
What... are you doing?
Do the thing. | Do the skit, you know.
You want me to entertain | your audience?
What is this, Ed? | An audition to be your girlfriend...
because I'm not good enough for you?
No! Shari, that's not it! | Come on, Shari!
- Psycho chick. | - Damaged goods, bro. Do not accept, man.
Man, this is stupid. | "Is Shari Good Enough For Ed?"
Who the hell am I, huh? | Who do you think I should be dating?
There's a list!
The whole Shari thing, | is that over?
You gonna be showing up on the History | Channel? What's happening?
- Well, no, we're on hold. | - On hold?
Is she a phone call? | Is she listening to Yanni music?
You're gonna get back to her? | Who puts a woman on hold?
We're gonna wait till this is over, | and then we're gonna pick it back up.
I guess this is the famous Carlos...
who follows you everywhere?
What I want to ask you, | what is this chicken dance?
Y'all know the chicken dance?
Okay, so let's do it!
Have I got it? | Is this how you do it?
- No, you gotta get your foot out. | - This is a lot of fun.
Ed Pekurny! We'll be | right back after this.
Hey, can I have another hat | for my dad?
- I've got your car ready right here. | - Cool.
- Can you get us sodas for the ride to the airport? | - Yeah. Coke or Pepsi?
- Uh, Pepsi. | - Can I talk to you for a second, man?
- Yeah. What's up? | - My name is Shane.
- How you doin'? What's this, man? | - This is a tape of my band.
I thought maybe | you could play it on your show.
- Oh, man, come on. | - One of the guys is blind.
All right, I'll give it a listen.
The name of the band is | "Not All Of Us Can See. "
- Terrific name. | - "Not All Of Us Can See. "
"Not All Of You Can See. " | What the hell is that?
For the love of sweet...
- Jesus Christ! | - Really.
- Hi. | - Hi.
Um, I wanted to say | I really love your show.
- I think you're great. | - Wow. Thank you.
That's a really cool thing | to say. I'm Ed.
And you must be... John?
I- I'm trying to remember.
- Oh, yes. | - I'm Jill. I'm from San Francisco too.
Right. The Bay Area. | I can tell by the accent.
Ta, ta, ta, ta. | Ya, ya, ya.
- Ya, ya, ya. | - Uh, I'm Just Joshin'.
So, wh- what are you | doing here?
I Just flew down | to audition for a skit.
All right.
I'm a model and | sort of an actress, so, um-
Um, oh- So really, | it was nice meeting you.
Oh, yeah. | No, you too. Um-
They were supposed to send a car | to take me to the airport, but, um-
I'll tell you what. We gotta-
We're going to the airport right now. | Got a limo outside.
Why don't you ride with us?
Oh. Yeah. That'd be great.
- Thanks. | - You're welcome.
All right.
But that's life
What the people say
Excuse me. | Comin' through.
- We're ridin' high in April | - Take all you want. It's free.
Shot down in May
Huh. Hey, Carlos.
These go in the nude picture pile.
What do we got here?
Oh, this is cute.
This goes in | the psychopath file.
Hope it's not this guy.
Be right there!
Hello. Hey, Moe, | what's goin' on?
Ed, this guy says he knows you.
- Hey. How you doin'? | - Hey.
You don't recognize me?
Yeah. Yeah.
- Did you do this? Did you find | him and tell him- - No, no way.
Come on- Come on in.
Yeah, okay.
- Everybody, this is Hank, my dad. | - This Just keeps getting better.
What you're sayin', Ma, is that | everything he told me yesterday...
- was a lie. | - Yes... practically.
What do you mean, | "practically"?
Either you threw him out | or he ran away. Which one is it?
I need to replace the coil.
He ran away after I threw him out.
- How much is one of those new coils? | - A hundred fifty bucks.
- He was telling the truth. | - Should I go ahead?
- Yes. | - Yes to me, or yes to the coil?
- Both. | - Oh, shit.
- Look, he had girlfriends. | - He told me he had this one girl.
I really do not need to relive this on | national television. I am your mother.
- Yes, you are my mother. | - Do not humiliate me like this!
- I'm not trying to humiliate you. | - I don't need this! Go away!
Make this out to Dr. Rumpley. Maybe the son | of a bitch won't keep me waiting for an hour.
Damn neurologists think | they run the world.
She does this every time.
- All right, do you want to know the truth? | - Yeah.
I took you, Ray and Marcia to my | sister's on the train for the weekend.
You all came down with chicken pox, | so I took you home a day early.
And I walked in, | and there was your father...
with another women | in our bed, okay.
Chicken pox. | I was six when I had chicken pox,
- and Dad didn't leave until I was 12. | - Well, he apologized.
- What do you mean, he apologized? | - He begged me.
He got down on his knees | and he begged me.
But, Mom, you told me | that you had a hysterectomy,
and that he ran off | with your nurse.
She could've been a nurse.
- What do you mean, could've been a nurse? | - She had white shoes.
So does Grandma! | So does Shaquille O'Neal!
- That's good. | - What's the difference?
The difference is that for 20 years | I've been thinking one thing,
- and now it's turned out to be a whole different thing! | - Eddie.
He was no good to me. | Don't you remember the way it was?
Don't you remember the way | he used to scream at me?
And then no Job was ever | good enough for him.
"Small potatoes. " | You remember, Al?
you told me you didn't know Al | until after Dad left.
Holy shit.
You and Al were-
And that's why you threw Dad out. | There it is!
Finally the truth | after 20 goddamn years, Mom?
He had another woman | in my bed, Eddie!
And how dare you call him "dad" | in front of Al. Al is your father.
This is the one who was there for you | when you really needed someone.
Ow! You're hurting me.
Oh, Jeanette.
Oh, Mom.
Don't blame your mother. | I was irresistible.
Well, come on in.
How are you doin'?
- All right. | - All right. Well-
- You? | - Yeah, yeah. I'm, I'm fine.
I guess you came up here | to check on your inheritance.
Did ya?
Come right over here. | You sit right down there.
There you go.
- Thank you. | - Yeah.
This is, uh, | quite a shithole, ain't it?
Well, it could be... | if you fixed it up.
- Jeanette, you better take a look at this. | - Okay.
- Oh, boy. | - You know, it is really nice of you...
to come up here.
A million times I wanted | to see you kids, but, uh, well-
I mean, your mom, | she told me to stay away.
And I had to respect | her wishes.
- Can I ask you somethin'? | - Anything.
What happened, Pop? | I mean, how'd you end up...
- like this? | - You know, life is funny. That's all.
I can't tell you | how many times if...
Just one little thing | that I needed would've happened,
why, everything would've changed, | I'll tell you that.
But I don't make excuses.
And I don't hold grudges.
You and me, we had some good times | together, didn't we? Huh?
Remember the time we drove | down to Houston for the weekend,
and we saw the Astros | and the Dodgers play?
We stayed in a motel. | It was Just you and me.
You hopped from bed to bed.
I remember that | Just like it was yesterday.
I remember everything you said | and everything you did.
- That was Ray, Pop. | - Hmm?
You took Ray to Houston.
It wasn't me. I had to stay home... | with Mom and Marcia.
That's right. Ray.
Ray was the older one.
Still is.
isn't that something?
Damn the mind!
I gotta go, Pop.
- I got a thing across town I gotta get to. | - Sure, son, sure.
You know what?
Listen up. | This is my pop. All right?
If there's anybody out there | that can help him out-
- Get him a Job or something- | - I drove a limo for a while.
I'll help you out. | I'll mention your business on the air-
I don't have a valid license.
We'll figure something out, | all right?
- All right. | - Ed.
I am truly sorry.
That's good, Pop. | Sorry's good.
As soon as we're perpendicular to | the Earth, I'll start the engines again.
What about the disk?
Oh, God. Boy, oh, boy.
- They're not here. | - How's that?
I snuck out.
You wanna take a drive?
- Sure. | - Okay.
Now Pop's hustling me for a Job.
It's like my entire family, Shari. It's | like they're from their own little galaxy.
Every family's crazy.
- Yeah, but my- | - No, I mean,
if it was my family on TV,
oh, my God, I'd have | to kill myself!
How about us? | We're doing all right, aren't we?
I saw that girl come on to you | at The Tonight Show.
- Wh- What girl? | - That model.
Oh, wait a minute. | Shari, that was nothin'.
I was leaving, she needed | a ride to the airport,
so I offered her a ride.
Wait a minute. Hey, hey.
I want you... Shari.
I don't want anybody else.
It's you I want.
If you call
I will answer
If you call
If you court
This disaster
Dude! Breasts!
Huh? Where?
Ed, help!
Come on, guys. | Don't, don't, don't.
Come on!
She left?
Yeah. She asked for a transfer | to another city, and she left.
I mean, someone put her breasts | on the Internet.
- Oh, Christ! | - She couldn't take it anymore.
We have people living in our hallway, | going through our trash, reporters.
So, she- | Not even good-bye. Nothin'.
Boy, you know,
when it starts to go wrong, | there's nothing you can do to stop it.
Because I don't think | I could've tried any harder.
I don't.
Do you?
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Huh? | You see? You see?
See that?
- Oh, honey, hi. | - What are you doin'?
- I know this might seem unusual. | - How'd you get in my apartment?
I had to be stealthy | about the whole thing.
- What is she holding? | - Ed's underwear.
- Get out of my house. | - I can explain everything.
Just get! | That's my underwear!
I love you, and I want | to marry you, Ed.
Watch his face. See? | Now, that's television. Huh?
All right.
Now, where do we go from here? | Didn't we order lunch an hour ago?
- Yes, Chinese. | - Good, good.
What do we have Ed do next? | Springboards, ideas.
- Notions! Cynthia? | - We could help him find Shari.
No, no, no. Enough of her. | I hate her, audiences hate her.
Let's bury her and move on. | Tell him I'll call him back.
Excuse me. Do you know, the audience is | requesting a lot of that girl Jill...
that he met on The Tonight Show; | she really scored.
Let's get her, let's make this happen. | What are we cocking around here for?
Cynthia, do something. | Get on the phone.
Is lunch literally coming from China? | I don't understand it.
Remember when you were interviewin' me | and asked me if I had a dream?
And I said, "Sure, I've got a dream. | I Just don't know what it is yet. "
Yeah. Yeah, great line. | Try to work that into the show.
Wh- What if Shari's the dream?
Come on, Ed. You're beating yourself up | for nothing. You knew her history.
When the going gets tough, | Shari gets going...
as far away as possible.
She's one of those "I'll dump you | before you dump me" chicks.
Yeah. But what if we could get U.P.S. | to tell us where they sent her?
Then I could go visit her, and we could | even move the show there for a while.
If you want this thing | to work with her,
the best thing you can do right now | is to give her some space.
Maybe even, uh, see other people.
Whoa! What do you mean? | Like right away? No.
- No, no, I- | - Ed, you're a star.
But celebrities like you...
or Tom Cruise or whoever, | you have a responsibility.
I don't think your fans are gonna be too | thrilled sitting around watching you...
have a maJor case | of the "mopeys. "
They've got 200 channels | to choose from.
Ed, it's not like | you're giving up Shari.
My sister was going | with a guy.
They hit a little rough spot, started | seeing other people, they got back together.
Last month they had their third child, | for what it's worth.
Twenty-two! | Thirty-two!
Two, stay with the quarterback. | One, you got the iso on Ed.
He breaks to the inside. Oh, gosh! | I think he's got a step on him!
Shecky, have you lost the feed?
- Ed! Hey, Ed! | - Get up! You lost the feed!
- Hey, Jill. Ow! | - Ooh!
What are you doin' to me? | Look alive!
You guys go ahead. | I'll be back... sometime.
Ed, where you goin'? | Let's get the game goin'!
- No, it's not. | - It's a setup.
I'm gonna ask Cynthia.
Come on! It's such a setup.
- Did you arrange this? | - Whose dog is that?
- Out for a walk. | - Walkin' your dog?
- That's your dog. | - What's your dog's name?
Um, Ginger.
- Nielsen looks pretty good on TV, huh? | - Yeah.
Hey, man! | Way to go, Ed!
- Picture's worth a thousand bucks. | - Oh, yeah!
Way to... baboom!
Ooh, that's delicious.
Smile, baby!
- Do you think she likes him? | - She doesn't give a crap about him.
You want us to kiss? Ed.
He should be a model or something.
He's gorgeous.
Hey, listen, should we, um-
Oh, geez, it's, uh-
Listen, Jill, it's gettin' | kinda late, you know?
- I mean- | - Is he kidding?
What are you doing tomorrow night?
Mm, tomorrow night. | I, um, I got a-
I got a thing I gotta- | No, that's not tomorrow night.
Well, listen. Why don't you | come around here, and, um...
I can make you dinner, and maybe you | could bring a video, and, um-
Well, you know, | we can make a night of it. Hmm?
Stay behind the barricade, folks.
Go, go, go | Go, go, go
Stay behind the barricade.
Go, go, go | Go, go, go
- Go, go, go, go, go, go | - Holy shit!
I'm startin' to feel | a little pressure.
- Think he's gonna do it? | - Hell, yeah.
- The guy hasn't had sex in six weeks. | - What, like we have?
- Here we go. Yeah. | - Smile! Smile!
- Great. Let me try them on. | - Sure, sure, sure.
We'll park your car for you, Ed. | Save your strength.
Go, go, go, go, go | Go, go, go, go,
Get out of the way. | Clear the way.
Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed!
- Hi. | - Hi.
Jill! Jill! Jill!
- Come on in. | - Oh, wow.
- Look at you! | - Oh, thanks.
Those boobs are so fake.
- She's such a slut. | - Total slut.
Big, big crowd tonight.
I know. | They've been there for hours.
- Ed? Do you want to come and have a little nibble? | - Yeah?
Yeah. Sure.
Here, baby.
- Thought you had a dog. | - Huh?
Oh, no, that was a friend's. | I've Just got lovely Isabella.
Hey, baby. Yes, good girl. | Down you go.
Good girl.
A deeper shade of red
On your lips
Tryin' to find a way to be loved
Without ever givin' in
- Wow! | - Oh-ho!
- Good? | - Mmm.
Careful what you wish for
It Just might come true
Might come true
Uh, Mr. President?
- Isn't this what you always wanted | - I love her!
- Get out of the way! | - I love her! I love her!
Hot damn! | We are go for sex, people.
I love this show, bro.
- Is this okay, Cynthia? | - Don't leave yet. This is cable. Stay with him.
Cynthia, Cynthia! | Will you get over there!
Oh, my.
Oh! What's he doing?
Ed, you okay?
Ohh, something broke my fall.
Please, let me through.
Is it bad? | Is it bad?
I think she Just broke her leg.
- Excuse me. | - My back's a little sore. I didn't break it.
- I can walk. | - We're Just taking you in for an X ray.
The thing got the highest ratings. | Higher than the Super Bowl.
It's kind of the same thing. A big buildup, | and then one team Just can't perform.
All that boy did was hurt | that little girl's pussy.
- Ooh! | - I'm talkin' about her cat.
If Ed had been a stud, if he had | given a terrific performance that night,
the American people | would have loved him, but he failed us.
- No, I don't agree. | - He failed us as a man.
Look at this.
She did not- | She did not break my heart.
Look, I understand that I'm | fair game, but Just tell it like it is.
She was a hot-lookin' chick. | I get that. I knew the score.
"Broke my heart. " | No, you know what Jill did?
Jill went out to L.A. and got one of | those scandal agents that handle...
like Joey Buttafuoco, | Kato Kaelin and Gennifer Flowers-
Oh, my God, he wrote a book.
I mean, he never even | read a book, man.
What's your feeling about the meaning, | if any, of Ed TV?
Well, Harry, I-I feel that | Ed is the apotheosis...
of a prevailing | American syndrome.
It used to be that people | were famous for being special.
Now they're considered special, | uh, merely for being famous.
Fame has become a moral good...
in this country: | It's its own virtue.
We thought since we had Ray Pekurny on | the panel today, we'd talk about his book.
It is called | "My Brother Pissed On Me. "
Is that a metaphorical title, or did | your brother actually piss on you?
I put- I put everything in the book.
Everything. | All this is in the book.
I'll be honest, I have not read | the book because it looks stupid.
I'm Just saying maybe we should start thinking | about when we want to take him off the air.
Why? What are you talking about, take him | off the air? He Just got out of the hospital.
He's fine. The cat's fine.
- The ratings are higher than ever. | - Well, you know,
it's like when you're chewing | gum and blowing a bubble.
- Good, a metaphor. | - Right.
And the bubble keeps getting bigger | and bigger and you've got to decide.
When do you suck it in? Or if you don't, | it explodes and then you've got gum face.
Cynthia, I started out | as an associate producer...
on Good Morning Fresno.
And I didn't get from there to here by | worrying about getting gum in my face.
All I'm saying is, | I think we've peaked.
And all I'm saying is, you don't know | your ass from a toboggan.
We're gonna stay with | the boy for another month.
- You know how I know I'm right? | - Mm.
Because I'm driving the big car, | and you're driving the little car.
Look, Ed, you put anybody | on television 16 hours a day,
at some point they're going to wind up | rolling off a table and squashing a cat.
- Oh, man, that's not my point. | - All right, look.
With no privacy, there is no dignity. | Capisce?
Oh, yeah, nice.
- Hello. Hello, Mom? | - Eddie, it's Mom.
Eddie, I'm in the hospital.
Mom, Mom, what happened?
Eddie, he's dead.
He's dead. | He had a heart attack.
Did I tell ya he was gonna die? | Did I say? Huh? Come on.
Excuse me. I'm looking for my mother. | My name's Ed Pekurny.
- Mr. Pekurny, I'm Dr. Geller. | - Hi.
Your mother's lying down for a minute. | We gave her something to calm her down.
Thank you. | Can I see her?
Uh, why don't you Just give her | a minute? She'll be right out.
Why don't you sit over here | for a second?
What happened to him? | Did he-
Did he suffer any, | or was it quick?
Yeah, it was very quick.
Between you and me, | it's not a bad way to go.
- How's that? | - Making love to your wife.
It's very sweet.
- They were making love when he had a heart attack? | - According to your mother.
Eddie, thank God you're here.
- How's your mother? | - Al!
- What's going on? Thought he was dead. | - How'd you get here?
The neighbors drove me over. | The worst goddamn driver-
What are you doing here?
- Where's Jeanette? | - I thought you said he was dead?
- Who? | - Al!
No, no. | The deceased is Henry Pekurny.
Good twist.
- This is beautiful. I love this! | - What?
Don't you get it? The mother was | shtupping the ex-husband.
You thought it was me?
Yeah, Al.
It was your father, Hank.
Your mother went to see him, and he | suddenly dropped dead of a heart attack.
Dr. Geller, Dr. Stack | wants to see you.
Oh, excuse me.
Could I have your autograph? | It's for my niece.
Al. How did you, uh-
The Burkharts drove me over.
- Are you all right? | - I'm fine, I-
Good. I gotta pee.
Wish me luck.
Hey. Hey, uh- Oh-
Geez. What happened, Mom?
Eddie, it was horrible.
- He called me up. | - Who?
Hank. He said he wanted to talk to me. | He wanted to apologize for everything.
I went over to this horrible place | where he was staying, and I-
I Just felt so sorry for him.
- So you had sex with him? | - What?
The doctor told me you were | having sex. He told me.
- To you in front of them? | - Yeah, Mom.
He assumed Hank was your husband. | You know, common sense.
- My God! On TV! | - Mom, why? How?
One thing led to another.
- He was my husband once. | - But Al is your husband now.
You think it's been easy | for me all these years?
Al can't have sex!
Apparently neither can Hank, Mom.
Let's recap this whole thing. | The mother's too good at it, right?
Both brothers stink at it.
The stepfather can't do it at all. And | the father did it, but it killed him.
How the hell did | this family reproduce?
How did they even get here?
This is worse than all the daily | tabloid television that exists.
Isn't the appeal of this show now...
that everybody's | got a skeleton in their closet?
But how many skeletons | can one family have?
No, I think our country's saying | we've had enough of this.
Let's get back to the way | TV used to be.
We are gathered today-
How ya doin', boy?
- How was the service? | - It was all right.
His parole officer said | some lovely words,
and once again I was reminded | the end is near.
Sorry you couldn't | come in, kiddo,
but for some reason, the family feels | they're not comin' off so well on TV.
Well... you and Mom are gonna | work things out, aren't ya?
I'm movin' out.
- No, Al. What do you mean, you're moving out? | - I'm gonna live with my brother.
He's not in such good shape as me, but | I'm looking forward to the pillow fights.
Hank was always good | with the ladies.
Always good-lookin'.
Hell, he's been dead for two days, | he still looks better than me.
I wanna tell you something, Al.
You know, Hank, he-
You're my father, Al.
Take care of yourself, huh?
You know I will.
I guess it's when... | you know the head, it's, uh,
You have done it! | I've had it!
Hey, Crockett. | Ease up, man.
Ease up? He Just devoured | my entire Buddy Holly collection!
What is it with you?
How would you like it if somebody | chewed up your personal belongings?
See this blanket? | You see this?
Elvis loves this blanket. It's | his most favorite thing in the whole-
- Three more months? | - Yeah, absolutely.
Ed TV's more popular than ever. The | resurgence in interest is astounding.
Of course, this means | another big bonus payment for you.
Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
Ed, have you thought about | moving in with your mother?
I mean, she's all alone now. | I'm sure she could use your support.
We're not as dumb | as you people think we are.
I'm takin' what little dignity | there is left,
and I quit.
Yeah. Can somebody | validate my parking?
I'm afraid that | that's not possible.
- Okay, Mr. Big Network. I'll pay for it myself. | - No.
I mean, you can't quit.
The hell I can't. | Look, I Just did.
I know, Ed. But, you see,
you agreed to stay on the air | as long as we asked you to.
The station entered into this | with that understanding.
Now, if you had refused | up front,
well, we would have done this | with somebody else.
You can't Just change the rules | in the middle of the game, son.
It's Just not fair.
Listen, if you don't | let me out of this now,
I- I-I'm gonna go home, | stick my thumb up my butt,
sit on my ass | and not do a damn thing.
I won't go anywhere.
- What kind of show does that sound like? | - Uh, not too good.
- No, not too good. | - That's why it states very specifically in your contract...
that if you don't continue | to live a normal life,
well, then, | you're in breach, see?
And you're liable for all the station's | financial losses.
I'll get this.
Autograph, please?
Ed, come on out!
Oh, my God. | Move! Excuse me!
Whoa, whoa! | Shari! Shari!
Watch it. Watch it!
Who's got the shot? | Who's got the shot?
Just give it to me. | Come on, come on.
- Come on, he's on the move! | - Go, go, go!
We got him! We got him!
Fire it up. | We're rolling.
Keep the microwave high, Shecky.
- Ahh! | - Come on, Carlos!
- Get up! Get up! | - Come on, he's getting away.
Hi. One, please.
Excuse me.
Hey! Give me one.
- I'm looking for a girl, tall- | - Bad wig?
- Yeah. | - Theater three. Your ticket.
- Ohh! | - Watch it! Watch it!
Shari, are you okay? | I'm sorry. Let me see.
You okay?
- Shari. It sounds like you. | - It's not me.
- Well, it's not. Now, go away. | - I thought you moved.
I Just came | for my brother's birthday.
- In a disguise? | - I wanted to see you, but I didn't want you to see me.
Listen to me. | I know why you left.
Everyone knows why, Ed. | I told you why.
No, you said it was because | of the TV, but I don't believe that.
Look at us. We've been with people | before, and it didn't work out.
And none of it | was on TV, Shari.
None of it.
You and me,
we've been burned.
And we're scared.
That's why you left.
And that's why...
I didn't do a damn thing | to stop ya.
All right.
- Ooh! Ooh! | - I'm sorry.
- Oh, wow. | - Mm.
All right, listen. | You stay here.
I'm leaving. | These guys are coming with me.
I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I'm gonna | figure something out so we can be together.
- Okay? | - Okay.
Let's go, guys.
No, Mike. Follow Shari.
Mike, Shecky, come on.
Mike, Shecky, I'm leaving. | You're supposed to follow me. Let's go.
Give him room, people. | Give him room.
- Hi, Ed. | - Why the hell are they still followin' Shari?
It's their new concept. | Since-
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's going on? | Why is my family on TV?
Like I was saying, | it's a new concept.
Since Shari and your family | all signed releases,
we're allowed to follow them on camera | even though you're not with them.
So we go with whoever's the most | exciting. And right now, look.
See, it's you and- | Oh, me.
- You can't do this. | - I'm not a lawyer.
I'm Just a guy who eats | three meals a day in this truck.
We gotta get them off the air. | This is not part of the deal.
I don't give a goddamn. | Make the call, man.
- Make the call. Get 'em off. | - Look, Ed, this is-
- Ed! Ed, come on! | - Ed, if you break the truck-
If you break the truck, they'll charge you for | it. They'll have a new one here in 15 minutes.
Come on, Ed. | This is crazy.
Hey, hey. | They got ya, man.
Just... go home.
Go home, Gomer!
Ed, this is crazy. | Come on.
You know what?
They're right.
This is a great idea.
My family is interesting.
Hell, look at 'em.
But everybody's interesting, right?
I bet you that wacky little group | that owns this network...
that I had the meeting with,
I bet they're pretty goddamn interesting | too, don't you think?
Huh? I'll bet they are.
Yeah. I oughta loosen up | a little bit, shouldn't I?
Let's have a little fun | with this thing.
Let's really blow it out. Let's, let's | have- Let's have a contest.
Who can dig up...
the most embarrassing and humiliating | information on any of the executives...
of the Northwest Broadcast Company, | which owns this station, True TV.
After all, why should anyone...
have any privacy, right?
So I want anything...
from their past, their present, | business, personal, you name it.
If it's dirty and true, | we want it.
Whoever brings the sleaziest | and most degrading...
material to me, | I'm gonna pay you...
Yeah, Eddie! | I love this guy!
And tonight at 9:00, | I'll announce...
the big winner, all right?
Now, you're gonna need | my home number.
Call me anytime.
And if you get in right now, | I'm gonna throw in a bonus.
You're gonna get a free book | by author Ray Pekurny...
titled "My Brother | Pissed on Me. "
All right, America. | Come on, baby. Let's start diggin'.
- This is ridiculous. | - How can this be legal?
- It's defamation. It's slander. | - Not technically,
because he is not showing | reckless disregard for the truth.
- Oh, come on! | - What are you saying?
- At 9:00 he can say whatever he wants about us? | - That is ridiculous.
There has got to be some way | we can shut this hillbilly up.
- Hey, I've got a idea. | - What?
Let's not shut him up.
Let's get him to push it to Sunday | when the audience is bigger,
promote it for the next five days, really | hype it because it's a rating's grabber,
which is all that counts, | so run with it.
You were right, I was wrong.
See, Ed TV is going | to be bigger than ever.
Cynthia, another word | and you may consider yourself fired.
Uh-oh. | Can you give me a hint?
What word? | Um, "asshole"?
"Shithead"? I bet that- | Is that one word or two?
I never can remember that.
"Shithead. " Anyway, listen.
It has been a real pleasure | workin' for ya. I have loved it.
Loved it, loved it, | loved it, loved it, loved it.
Loved it!
He didn't tip you? | Maybe you're not hot.
Yeah. Uh-
I gotta go. | My brother's here.
Look, we gotta settle this.
Well, all right, man.
- They're gonna fight. | - Maybe they'll kill each other. That's at least an ending.
Okay, settled.
Yeah, great.
- Oh, that's it? | - What was that?
Some kind of brotherly- | Southern brotherly thing.
Here you go. You weren't gonna swing, | were ya? Were you ready to swing?
I was ready to throw there.
You know, good thing I was here.
You got all kinds of calls.
This is not good. | This is not a good thing.
Would 40 of these kill me?
What if we compromised? | Asked him to stay on two more weeks,
and then kick him off.
Ah, phone.
Here we go. Hello.
- Is this Ed? | - Yes, it is. Who's this?
I've got some information for you. | Better than anything you've got.
Okay, I'm here.
I got this from one of the secretaries | that works at the network.
Got a little blitzed | at the Christmas party.
Listen carefully. | I'm only gonna say this once...
'cause talking this way | is really hurting my throat.
Can anyone see | what he's writing?
"Duck"? Did anybody do anything | with a duck?
Jesus! I'd hate to be stuck | in a foxhole with this group.
- There's not a full-grown pair of | testicles among you. - Uh, sir, I-
Whatever little embarrassments | he comes up with, we'll spin it.
This guy is gonna stay on TV | until he dies.
Okay. Yes, I got it. | Thank you.
- Well? | - I think we've got a winner.
- Uh, Rayford? | - Ho!
- Well, 9:00 yet? | - 9:01.
9:01. Got it. Okay.
I don't know how many of you out there | are paying attention right now,
but for those of you who are, | I think we Just got the winner.
How many of you know...
what a penile implant is?
As it's explained to me, what happens | is you got two cylinders: one, two.
And they are inserted | into the shaft.
Now, to get an erection, | what this man does is...
he squeezes his pump, | and it forces a fluid...
that goes in the cylinders | into the shaft.
Voila, you've got your stiffie.
You're good to go. | So, who's this lucky guy?
I mean, who is this true TV executive who | can now get his Johnson to head north...
anytime he wants?
I'm gonna tell you | who the lucky man is right now.
- Tell us, brother! | - All right.
Here we go.
The man of the hour is Mr. -
True TV regrets to inform | our audience that...
due to circumstances beyond our control, | Ed TV will no longer be presented.
Yeah! Oh, yeah!
- Who's the guy with the phony- | - What do they expect us to do now?
Look, I don't know who | he was talkin' about.
I don't even know | whether or not it was true.
But he was about to name | one of you, and I'll be damned...
if I'll have one of my people | humiliated on public-
I mean, not that there's anything to be | embarrassed about, if it's true.
The point is, it's a normal medical | - What the hell are you lookin' at, you redheaded putz?
Pack it up and go on home now. | Leave me in peace.
Don't come back now, you hear?
back to infomercials.
- Hey, I'm on TV! Look at me! | - Hi, Mom!
So Ed is no longer on TV. | Sam, how did he make out?
Ed made out like a bandit. | A spokesperson for True TV...
announced that Ed received a check | covering his four months on the air,
his balloon payment, | and an additional bonus...
to show the network's | appreciation for all his, quote,
"hard work and loyalty," unquote.
When asked exactly what happened, | a True TV spokesperson said,
they had no official comment, | but that things had been worked out.
Okay, let's do a final, uh- | Perhaps say good-bye here to Ed TV.
- Have we seen the last of Ed, do you think? | - I would think so.
Five years, no one | will remember who he is.
- Five years? Six months. He's a macarena. | - It's Ed Free TV now.