Egghead Republic (2025) Movie Script
I'm calling on behalf of Kalamazoo
Herald and Mr. Dino Davis.
He's on a plane to
our Stockholm office now.
We just wanted to make sure
you've gotten the DVD we sent you.
He's known as one of the most
depraved, disputed
and influential writers of all time.
Bob Singleton.
You've been called many
names over the years.
An anarchist, a blasphemer,
even a pornographer.
A la-di-da man, a mad man.
A mad man as well.
After the publication of your
debut novel Horny Youth
there were 22 murder attempts...
- 23 murder attempts.
- 23... murder attempts.
And now we find you here,
in a desolate
and frankly even more
hazardous place
living right next
to a radiation zone.
Tell me Bob, what is it that
brought you here?
The simple life.
You see, in order
to create exceptional works
one must put oneself in
an exceptional frame of mind.
You cannot tell a story
without experiencing it yourself.
That's the truth, kiddos!
That's the God damn truth.
No, no, no.
Hi.
That's not the Kalamazoo Herald.
That's the way the old school boring
suit-and-tie media does it.
Have you read our magazine?
Seen any of our shows?
We're daredevils! We go places
others never get access to.
On the cover you put the North Korean
chick with the Kalashnikov.
Oh my God, Turan!
Come here!
- Brother, did I miss you!
- You too man.
Let me see those palms.
- Still get horny on flights?
- Yeah.
- How many times you whacked?
- Twice on the flight.
You got to conserve that
groove juice.
I save it up all week,
then gift it to the world.
Sonja!
Come meet my best friend
in the whole fucked up world.
- Hi. Sonja.
- Turan.
Turan Hiram.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Do you want to see
my portfolio?
Yeah, sure I do.
Who has cigarettes?
I need a fucking smoke.
You know how these work?
No... no.
It's pretty simple.
You just hook this on the back
and then this little wire
is going under your shirt.
Okay.
I'm Gemma. I'll be one of
the cinematographers on this trip.
I'm Sonja. I'll be the illustrator.
I thought you said she
would be co-hosting?
But you said I was going
to illustrate?
I can host too. It's just that
I've never done it before.
- You'll be great. Look at you.
- Well.
What the fuck is happening
with this mic?
- I'm sorry.
- It's not your job.
You're thirsty?
You want something to drink?
- Gin and tonic.
- Gin and tonic. How sophisticated.
One GT over here and one
vodka soda for me!
Are you nervous?
You want a little medicine?
Okay!
Alright, sounds on.
Camera rolling.
Alright buddy, we're here
at the Scandinavia office...
Try that again.
Alright, let's go.
We're here at the Kalamazoo
Herald's Scandinavia office.
But we're about to go somewhere
much more remote.
We're entering into the radioactive Zone
in Kazakhstan.
Yes, you motherfuckers.
We just had our first drink
because we can't believe this shit
is about to happen.
We've been given permission
for the first time ever
into the Zone at the IRAS.
The Institute for Radiation Arts
and Sciences.
Here some of the world's greatest minds
have been given residency
but we don't give a fuck
about them.
We give a shit about what's behind
that long ass wall.
What's behind that motherfucker?
We've all heard the rumors.
Herds of radioactive centaur.
Do you think the photos are real?
I don't think they're real centaurs.
Who gives a fuck?
They're mutated fucking mules!
I want to see a real freak
of radiation! Don't you?
Here with me, I have Sonja Schmidt.
She is a...
An artist.
Okay. You're an artist.
But you're also a...
A person.
She is indeed a person.
She also happens to be the living
relative of the great Arno S... Fuck.
Let's do it again.
It's all good.
Alright. I have Sonja Schmidt
here with me.
She is a living relative of
the late writer Arno Schmidt,
somewhat of a Homeros
for Bob Singleton
who vouched for our invitation
into the Zone.
You know about Bob Singleton?
Yes.
He won the Nobel Prize.
But tell us about your great uncle.
Who was Arno Schmidt?
He was a German writer...
from Germany.
Who...
I'm sorry.
- German writer from Germany.
- No, it's okay!
We got the part about Bob Singleton
wanting to meet her...
- Along with the centaurs?
- Yeah yeah yeah, that was good.
- Dino! You came!
- Heeeello.
Bring the beer inside.
This fucking dude says I can't
come inside with the cigarette.
You need to put your cigarette down!
I'm not going to tell you...
- The cigarette is the culprit.
- Just put the cigarette down.
Why? He could basically
buy this whole place!
He owns the Kalamazoo Herald!
You're embarrassing yourself.
Am I a good boy?
Can I come in now?
- Welcome...
- Thank you.
Bloody Americans.
You have to let me do the poster.
I have some really cool ideas.
Yeah, sure, sure.
Yeah.
- Oh my God.
- Hi. How are you?
I'm good, thank you.
Why are you speaking English?
I don't know...
How are you man?
Good! How are you doing?
Huge fan, huge fan of your empire.
He's a musician.
You should sign him.
I do electronic music.
You know DJ Hell?
That Berlin guy.
He's from Mnich.
Yeah, that's true!
You should take my card.
Dealing ear-candy, to the nation?
That's what I do.
He's a really huge fan of me.
I'm a huge fan of you too.
- Do you want something to drink?
- Yeah.
Just so you know,
I'm not drunk.
This will not affect my work.
Come here.
You should lie down.
Come lie down.
So, you're a lesbian?
- What?
- Are you bisexual?
Do you sleep with men?
- Yeees.
- Yeees. I'm glad to hear that.
Don't worry. I have a rule.
I don't sleep with people
I'm working with. Promise.
Hey, man.
What stations you got?
I want to hear a love song.
We have Lugna Favoriter.
And also Mix Mega...
I don't know what the fuck
you're saying man.
Just put on a ballad.
- This is you?
- Yes, this is me.
- Okay, bye.
- Bye?
Wait, what? Bye?
I'm sorry. I'm just so tired.
But I'll see you tomorrow then?
Yeah.
- Okay.
- I'll see you tomorrow Princess.
Yes!
Shut that door.
You see, in order
to create exceptional works
one must put oneself
in an exceptional frame of...
Exceptional.
Frame of mind.
To me it sounds
like they are using you.
I know that.
But I'm gonna use them too.
This is a huge opportunity for me.
- Like huge.
- How can it be an huge opportunity?
Sonja, explain to me.
I'm gonna illustrate
for the Kalamazoo Herald.
There's a million people
that can do that.
I'm even gonna illustrate
the poster.
No one my age has ever done
that before.
If you want to become
an illustrator,
why don't you apply for...
I don't know.
An art school?
What is it you don't understand?
Art schools don't teach you anything!
Okay, sorry. I just want you
to live a happy life.
But I am happy Sina!
I'm very very happy.
- You're the only sister I have Sonja.
- The train is coming now.
- I can't talk to you.
- Sonja, wait!
Thank you.
You are welcome.
- Good?
- Yeah.
Listen, everybody here
does a little bit of everything.
Nobody is just one thing,
nobody is just a journalist.
- I hope you're not too disappointed?
- No.
We've got to keep the cameras
rolling all the time.
Catch that gold.
Got to stay loyal to reality.
I totally understand.
I actually drew that.
You did? You drew this?
Yeah.
Hey Turan, she drew the cover.
I was four, so...
This is beautiful.
It's very artistic.
The more I look at it,
the more I see.
What'd your great uncle
think of it?
I don't know.
I actually never met him.
Let's not tell them that at
the IRAS.
You didn't know him?
No. My sister did,
but she's much older and German.
What does she do?
She's a therapist.
- Shit.
- Yikes.
We got the good one.
I make people into stars,
I make them become Gods.
You know you could be huge?
You think?
I know.
- But you haven't seen my portfolio.
- It doesn't matter.
Right now you're here,
but you could be there...
Go be the hero.
I'm serious. Go be the hero.
My little sister.
My little Pippi Longstockings.
What are you doing here?
I have no idea what all the fuss over
this writer is about.
Let's have another drink.
Yeah.
SOVIET KAZAKHSTAN
AFTER THE HOT DAYS
All right. Major Pluvus.
Dino Davis from
the Kalamazoo Herald.
Nice to finally meet you.
Miss Schmidt.
On behalf of IRAS, the Institute
of Radiation Art and Science.
I'd like to welcome you here.
The work of your uncle means a lot
to Mr Singleton.
You are our honored guest.
Thanks.
- Wow, thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Very nice.
- Follow me.
Gemma! Come on, let's go.
I had Gemma, our second cameraman.
Excuse me, camera woman
head into the system...
Systembolaget.
That place in Stockholm,
to get some booze.
We all know you can't get vodka
in Kazakhstan anymore.
It's insane.
The land the Gods abandoned.
We all know the story,
the Cold War turned hot.
- Hotter than hotter.
- Yeah.
Why don't you take it away?
Tell us about that Sonja.
A Soviet nuclear bomb was
shot down by the US
and exploded in Kazakhstan
which made a huge area into
a wasteland.
- An area the size of fucking Texas.
- Yeah.
When they evacuated,
it was really warm weather.
That's why it's called
the Hot Days.
Hotter than hotter.
That was adorable.
You're getting
the hang of it, aren't you?
What about you?
What were you doing
during these historic times?
I'm not on camera.
Sorry, sir.
Sonja, can you please try to
look into my camera?
- Oh, sorry.
- I'm the main photographer.
There it is... the wall.
The only thing shielding us from
the most radioactive spot on Earth.
Behind it centaurs are
galloping in harmony
holding hands and hoofs.
There are no centaurs in the Zone.
As you'll see for yourself.
Thanks.
You're not gonna ask what
it is first?
You're crazy girl.
I love it. By the way,
sign right there.
And give me one of those things.
Thank you.
Erm... What is it?
It's iodine. Helps with the radiation.
I meant...
Thank you.
Since our doors opened in 1958,
over 120 geniuses
from both the Soviet Union
and the USA
have stayed at the residence.
One more thing.
I'm afraid our Nobel laureate,
Mr. Singleton, has communicated
he wishes not to be disturbed.
No, no, hold on. Wait.
- I thought he wanted to meet Sonja.
- Well, he does.
But he's writing a new novella.
That's a bummer.
The hero of my God damn youth.
No show...
Good start.
Is it time for the Geigers now?
They're working.
No no no... later.
It's time for your screenings.
They'll be held in the Soviet sector.
- It's an honor to meet you.
- Likewise.
You work and live here?
You're a scientist?
I'm not a scientist.
I'm Professor Schukovski.
I'm the best scientist in the world.
Open your mouth, please.
We must do more testing on you.
What are we testing for?
We need to know
you're fit for the radiation.
You can lie down.
Your blood type?
It's okay, we'll sort it out.
She is a serious admirer of you.
How have you seen my work?
The talent runs in the blood.
You're like the holy of holies
to me.
I'm just very excited
to be in your presence.
You can sign these books.
Should I write my uncle's name
or my name?
- You can write both.
- Okay.
Dedicate it to Bob Singleton.
Dearest, Love...
- Okay.
- Whatever you feel is good for you.
So, how do you feel?
I feel like royalty
and my hangover is gone.
It's because we've circulated
your blood.
You can choose one.
This.
Sergeant Barcoff will get back
to you.
This is a matter of life
and death.
Whenever you are outside
your vehicle in the Zone,
your protective gear
must be worn at all times
or the radiation
will penetrate your bones.
Is there any questions?
Yeah, I got a question.
How much groove juice have you
saved up here?
We don't have juice here.
Okay.
Mobile phones, please.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I appreciate how gently
you put down your phone.
Welcome to the Zone.
Is this it?
Everything's just fucking white.
You brought your own counter?
It takes a lot to mutate animals.
There's no way the radiation
they reported at the Institute is enough.
Knock it off.
- What...
- We fucking talked about this.
Shut the fuck up!
I'm just.. I'm just saying.
Fucking say less!
Sergeant Barcoff,
Dino to Sergeant Barcoff.
Barcoff's listening. Over.
This fucked up melted mountain
to the left, can we go up there?
We want to get an overview.
That's a negative sir.
There's risk of landslides here.
Okay. Thank you very much
Bar-cough.
Fucking pale-faced-sperm-sucker!
We will camp here for the night
and continue tomorrow.
Bullshit baffles brains.
Let's get to it.
Game faces on, right.
We're the Kalamazoo Herald!
Stepping outdoors.
There's a tingly sensation
in my body.
It's hard to tell if that's the radiation,
or the nerves hitting me.
Follow me to the safe Zone.
New York Times,
The Washington Post.
None of these hacks
have made it inside here.
- We fucking did it!
- Gemma you're in my shot.
What are you doing?
- Huh?
- Sorry, I didn't see you.
Go charge some batteries
or something.
Yeah, go!
Alright guys!
- We did it.
- Legendary.
This is the first footage of the Zone
ever released.
We're writing history.
We're writing history.
Team Kalamazoo!
Oh yeah that's a nice shot.
Oh, look at you!
- You didn't get a patch?
- No.
What did they do at your
screening then?
Not much to be honest,
they just checked my temperature.
They circulated my whole blood.
- What does that even mean?
- I don't know.
I don't get why they are so
obsessed with me.
Or, with my great uncle.
Look, I've been meaning to ask
you something.
Don't take this the wrong way,
but are you getting paid to be here?
No, not really.
Not at all?
No.
So we're both doing it for
the exposure?
Yeah.
I mean, it's great exposure.
Isn't it?
Yeah and I'm gonna make sure
I'll be the one to do the poster.
I'm sure you will.
If he doesn't choose one of my photos
over your illustrations.
Just so you know.
Okay.
We have a South Eastern
wind today
so the radiation is extra high.
On this plateau you get a good view
of the surroundings.
Not really. No.
Yes. Enjoy.
He's babysitting us.
- It's a fucking horse and pony show.
- Yeah.
Barcoff. We came here to see the impact
zone. That's what we want to see.
The road is diverted
for a reason.
I'm sure it is.
Can I get Dino and Sonja only.
Clear the frame.
Jesus fuck!
Give us a little space.
Let an artist paint.
13 400... 500... holy shit!
Without these suits on we would
be dead in a couple of days.
You're getting worried?
Maybe.
- I'm worried.
- Yeah...
We need to get a freaky animal
on camera.
We can't get home with nothing.
I think Barcoff has the hots for me.
Barcoff would fuck
a pile of hot rocks
if he could find a hole
small enough.
Maybe I can...
try to convince him
to take a detour?
Come here my illustrator.
You got this.
- So hot!
- Yes, it's very hot.
Yeah.
I wanted to thank you for taking
so good care of us.
I feel very safe with you.
But we kind of need to see some
mutated animals or something.
I would love to help,
but I'm only following orders.
Pluvus doesn't have to know.
Please.
There is maybe something.
Careful.
- Give me your hand.
- Thanks.
There it is.
We call it... the pup.
Wow...
Cool.
Now you have to show me
some real animals.
Who says there are
any animals here?
I'm sorry!
I'm really sorry.
- Oh. Your arm!
- The glove!
- Shit!
- But the-
- It's... it's okay.
But the radiation?
The radiation here in this precise spot,
isn't that high.
It's an exception.
- I... think I have to go back.
- Yes.
Yes... No!
Stop!
You don't say a word about this.
About what just happened.
Is that clear?
- You lived in London?
- Yeah.
- Did you work for me in London?
- Yes.
I used to hang out a lot at that bar.
Lights Last? That's my grill.
I own it.
- You own that as well?
- Yeah. I do.
That's cool.
That's where I met Mathias.
- Is Mathias your boyfriend?
- He's my ex-husband.
We're going through a divorce
at the moment. Not fun.
Having one of those? I'm sorry.
You know I'm going to
let you shoot the poster?
Barcoff massaged my back.
- Okay?
- But I got scared for real.
You got scared of what?
Catching the hazmat herp?
Some hazmat herpes coming your way?
He told me not to say this,
but he got exposed to radiation.
- Barcoff got exposed?
- Yeah.
What?
He had this huge gap
between his glove and his suit.
He said it didn't matter because
there was no radiation
at that certain spot.
That is not what our counters said.
Yeah, I know. It's weird.
- Turan.
- Yeah?
It's fine... We'll be good.
Barcoff here.
There's a little bit of sand
ahead of us.
Stay close to our tail lights,
otherwise you might get lost.
Aye aye Captain.
Fuck.
Wait, what if the windows crack guys?
Then we'll get fried.
Turan, get that!
Get her frightened face.
- Say the window thing again.
- I didn't say it.
Just make him happy.
The windows might crack.
- No. That was so fake.
- It's not gonna win you any Oscars.
- The windows might crack.
- Again...
- Hey, you need to commit to this! Okay?
- Yeah.
Take it serious.
Do it again. Don't overact.
Say: the windows will crack!
The window might- will crack.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't waste any more tape.
Anybody seen any Minatours?
If we took off now
I don't think they would notice.
If we what?
If we just took off.
I don't think they would notice
because we don't see the cars.
I don't think that's a good idea.
I can't see anything.
That's good thinking Princess.
Great minds think alike.
Gemma slow down.
Just a little bit.
- Turn now!
- Go!
Go, go, go!
- I can't see anything.
- That's the whole point!
Drive, drive, drive.
Drive!
Hey, Barcoff.
We've lost the road,
I'm not sure we're even
on it anymore.
Stay where you are.
Okay. Copy that. Roger.
Ten four out.
Take the batteries out
so they can't track this.
Smash it open!
Were you rolling on that?
Yeah.
I fucking did.
Wait. Do that again.
Oh my God.
We tried to find our way back
with the tracks, but we can't find them.
Just try to remain calm.
Also, keep the headlights
on so we'll be able to see you.
- Soon it will be dark. Over.
- Copy that. And the headlights are... on.
Copy. Now honk the horn
every thirty seconds. Over.
Got that. Gemma,
would you honk the horn?
- Got it.
- No, don't shut the lights!
Now we're finally on our own
in the forbidden Zone.
And cut.
Holy shit. Let me see that.
I can't believe
we got that on camera.
This is the best work
of my fucking career, I'm telling you.
Ooh! Oh my God!
You should have gotten that
on film.
- You thought it was a centaur, didn't you?
- I wish it was a centaur.
As soon as the sun
comes up tomorrow,
we're going to go out there
and film a bunch of mutated shit.
But for now, this is gold.
This is G-O-L-D.
We cheated the fucking military.
- We almost died.
- We almost died, baby.
You are a fucking star.
All right. Come on kiddos.
Let's drink up.
Surely we didn't break every bottle.
Come on, come on.
Oh, it lives!
What are you wearing?
It's lead.
To protect my sperm.
I might want to have kids one day.
I thought the reason you broke up
with Rebecca
- was because you didn't want kids.
- Well, no... I don't think...
Listen! I don't think this place
is radioactive at all.
My geiger counter is showing
nothing outside.
- Are you sure it's not broken?
- No, it works.
This contains a small amount
of uranium. Like any old watch.
Look what happens when I put
this counter to it?
Nothing. And this is going
wild outside.
Yeah, it's like tick tick tick.
Try my watch.
You see?
Shit, try the Rolex.
Stop bullshitting me.
I think the military counters
are rigged.
Honestly, I think this whole
fucking place is a hoax.
Think about it. Why won't they
show us the impact area?
And what about Barcoff's
strange behavior when he got exposed?
That was so weird.
- No...
- Yes, that was so weird.
No, no. I mean, no fucking way.
There's no fucking radiation
in the radioactive Zone?
- Exactly.
- What the fuck!
Holy shit.
- This is a fucking scoop buddy.
- What a scoop!
Holy shit.
Listen, right now you're here.
But you could be there.
Top floor.
I want you to shoot
all our upcoming shows.
Are you sure?
Of course I am.
What do I have to do to
get one of these?
Get creative.
I think we should get some
sleep, right?
Yeah. Good idea.
So what are we doing tomorrow?
Find out what they really hide
in this place.
What do you think that is?
- Nukes.
- Another A-bomb.
- It's always weapons.
- What?
That's scary.
It can make good illustrations!
Is it silly to say that maybe
the Gods sent this storm
to show us they haven't
forgotten this place?
- No.
- Yeah.
Yeah, it's a silly thing to say.
Alright.
Time for bed everybody.
Come here.
Dino please stop.
Gemma, are you okay?
I'm fine.
Hey, you can come sleep
upfront if you want.
Uh-uh.
Imagine that you're walking
in total darkness.
You can't see anything,
so you light a match.
What you can see in this light
is the "ich". Your I.
But your self can be expanded.
And allow you to see more clearly.
There are no free lunches...
For fuck's sake Gemma.
Slow down.
I can't get a steady shot.
- How long have I been asleep?
- A couple of hours.
Guys, I forgot to clarify something
before we left.
Fuck sake Dino.
That's a bomb.
That's the nuke right there.
What have you eaten?
Nothing. Here, you want
some lunch?
Thanks.
God, I think I shat my pants.
Seriously, we have no water left.
Maybe it's time to call the military
and get back to the Institute.
Before we find out the truth?
We can cut to a panel, discussing
what they might be hiding here
and confront them from back
home where we're safe.
Don't be a chicken.
Hold on. Let's put it to a vote.
This is a democracy.
All in favor of going home like
chicken-shit-pussies, raise your hand.
Shit. What is that?
Stop! Turn around.
Get up here. Straight.
Look, what the fuck is that?
Cactuses?
We're gonna pretend they are
super mutated.
Let's roll.
Aren't we looking for weapons?
Rolling? All right, friends.
We just rolled up on a virtual forest
of desert radioactive cacti.
But there's no radiation.
We all fucking know there's
no radiation.
We're suspending our disbelief.
TV magic.
We're trying to create some tension.
I don't know why the fuck
I'm explaining that to you.
So let's get out there
and put the fucking suits on.
I'll be like John Wayne
And you can be...
Ingrid Bergman.
No, Jean Arthur.
You're Jean Arthur.
- You know who Jean Arthur is?
- No.
She's like an American Greta Garbo,
you know who that is right?
- Yes
- Legendary, okay?
No, I want to be
Niki de Saint Phalle.
Shush, shush.
Niki de Saint Phalle,
I really want to be her.
Who is Niki de Saint Phalle?
She is the one with
the really big women and all colors...
Shut the fuck up.
What are you talking about?
I don't know who you're talking about.
Shush!
This moment is not about you.
- I'm sorry.
- Just stop.
Just do as I say.
Yeah.
Alright.
We're gonna head out
there into the fucking desert.
We're gonna film some super
mutated shit
and break new ground.
Me and you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Everybody on board?
Team Kalamazoo.
Let's go.
Watch where you're going.
We have to do that again!
Stop trying to steal my job.
How am I stealing your job?
I'm not even getting
paid for this trip.
You're constantly trying to hog
the best angles. Stop that.
You have no fucking idea what
I have to do.
I have a pretty good idea
of what you're doing.
Come on Gemma.
I need this shot!
You're my main photographer now.
C'mon let's go.
Let's see if I can crack this
fucker open, huh?
What a desert mystery.
Look it's full of milk!
You want a sip?
Cool off from the heat?
Whaaaat?
Oh shit.
Did you fucking do it?
Did you drink it?
Show me.
You are such a gangster.
I love this fucking girl.
Oh shit. How does it feel?
Keep rolling, Gemma.
This is journalism.
- This is fucking journalism!
- Stop!
Call for help.
Call the military!
Try to puke. Put two
fingers in your mouth.
- No, I wanna do this.
- She's fine.
- Let's keep on working.
- No!
We break new ground.
- What?
- Let's do this now.
There's no radiation here, man.
What's the fucking danger?
She just drank from a cactus.
We have no idea what
that can do to her.
Who drinks from a cactus?
- John Wayne.
- In a movie!
I am John Wayne.
We're about to make
a big scoop here, man.
We're close to something major.
Then why have we been wasting
our time on this scene?
Excuse me?
Why have we been shooting
a John Wayne travesty?
If you don't call for help, I will.
I'm turning on the walkie.
Don't you fucking go
against me.
Don't you ever go against me!
You fucking hear me with your
cracked up ear holes?
Gemma, come on.
I need you.
He tried to kill me
because he isn't John Wayne?
We shouldn't have brought
you here.
You shouldn't be here.
It's officially over.
We're being kicked out
of this fucking hellhole.
Cut.
Why the fuck did you drink
from that cactus?
You told me to do it.
I don't think I've met a more
desperate human being in my life.
Sad. That's what you are.
And you're a liar.
You're a big, fat, liar.
You told me you are loyal to reality.
But you're not loyal at all.
You fuck your employees.
You don't even pay them so
they're not even your employees.
Is it truth time?
You wanna share a little bit?
I got something for you.
You are a flake.
That's fine.
You blend in with all the other
morons on this planet.
But me, I'm as big as it gets.
Take a look at your fucking life.
I'm Dino fucking Davis.
Who the fuck are you?
Does the military know
where we are?
Yes, the fucking military
knows where we're here.
I told Pluvus we had a dead walkie
and we soldered it today.
We're up and running.
We better get some material
before they get here.
Come on, cameras up!
Let's fucking go.
I don't wanna go with him.
I'm gonna stay with her.
No you're fucking not.
I need two cameras.
I need your compositions.
No, don't go
Shut the fuck up.
You're my star.
I don't feel good.
I'm sorry.
He's right.
He needs my compositions.
I'll be right back.
You probably shouldn't eat that.
I've done it. It's not...
Yooouu daaank fooom
cactooooff?
I'm sorry what are you saying?
You drank from cactuuus?
- Yes. How did you know that?
- Cactus.
Oh? Is this from the cactus?
You in luuuuuv?
I'm in... what?
I thought you were an IRAS member,
Or some kind of great artist.
You drink to get horny.
- Horny?
- Yes.
I'm Sonja.
Thaaaalia.
Thalia? Sonja.
- Ooiia.
- Sonja
Oooia.
Ssssss-onja.
Sonja.
Yeah, that's me.
Miiii birthda.
Is it your birthday?
Happy birthday.
I wish I could give you
something.
I don't have anything.
Do you want...
Do you want this?
Her tongue was a bit bigger.
Like, really big.
And her kisses tasted like grass.
It's hard to describe but it was
a real connection.
It was great. It felt like we
were kissing for hours.
We were only gone for 30 minutes.
That's okay.
You're trying to make up
for fucking the whole thing up.
It was a real connection.
Well, you said that she spoke
really slowly?
Maybe that's why.
She taaaalked liiike this.
Whaaats yooour naaame...
Shit. That's good.
What else did she say?
You drink from the cactuses
to get horny.
To get horny?
- I couldn't stop staring at her breasts.
- I bet.
And she wanted my bracelet,
so I gave it to her.
- And the hat.
- Turan's hat?
It was her birthday,
so I had to give her something.
Well, we found Turan's hat
before we found you.
You don't believe I met a centaur?
Hey, you had sex.
Tell us about the sex.
No I didn't have sex.
We kissed a lot.
Okay. So you didn't have sex.
You had some self-loving?
Let's be honest. You got horny
after we left, and you whacked off.
I don't want to be a part of this.
Can you please stop Gemma?
Stop filming me.
This whole part has to be cut out.
I don't want to be known as
an animal fucker.
It's a zoophile.
The Herald dedicated
an entire issue to that.
For your information, you signed
an NDA and release form
back in the Jeep
at the wall station.
You are whatever
the fuck I say you are.
Shit!
They're here already.
That was fast. Suit up!
Turan!
Turan, we got to suit up!
Wake the fuck up.
We got to suit up.
Come on.
Wake up.
Fuck!
We need to go full Pulp Fiction
on this, man.
- Go put it in Sonja.
- I'm not putting it up her ass!
I don't care what hole.
Ass, pussy, it just has to go inside.
No, no, no!
I'll fucking do it.
Wait, wait!
Sonja! Sonja!
Hey, Princess.
I need you to hide this for me?
I need you to hide the gold.
- It's not gold.
- Yes, it is.
And gold needs to be hidden
inside the vault.
No. No!
Front or back.
It's going inside!
No!
- No!
- Come on!
- It's going in.
- Stop!
This is unacceptable.
What on Earth have
you done to her?
Nothing! She's having a heatstroke.
She took her overalls off.
- I couldn't stop her.
- What?
She's choking out.
She drank from a cactus!
- She did what?
- She drank from a cactus.
- One of these cactuses?
- Yeah.
These cactuses
are genetically manipulated.
They use the extract during surgery.
Oh fuck.
I'm gonna get so punished for this.
Listen. We have to get you
to a hospital immediately.
Do you hear me?
Nice and easy.
You need to see a doctor.
Otherwise you are going to die.
Yes, yes, you will need
an antidote.
- I can't feel my legs.
- Help me up.
Open the door!
- You need to get the antidote.
- No.
Talk to me!
Go faster, god damn it!
I am driving fast!
I'm taking you to the real IRAS.
The real IRAS?
Nothing is what it seems here.
I'm not even a real soldier.
What do you mean?
Professional soldiers aren't allowed
inside the Zone.
What about that guy
who picked us up?
Pluvus? He's a Major.
But he's not welcome inside here.
Keep talking to her.
Do not let her die!
Hey, look at me... Sonja.
Hey, hey.
Open your eyes. Sonja?
Open your eyes!
If he goes about
to expand the dream...
... if he would offer to say
what mere thought I've had.
The eye of man
have not heard.
The ear of man
have not seen.
Man's hand not able to taste
his tongue to conceive,
nor his heart to report
what my dream was.
I have had a most rare vision.
I thought I heard someone.
You deserve a proper welcome.
So welcome to the real IRAS,
the Institute of Radical Art
and Science.
The radical?
It's radical. It's not radioactive.
It was never radioactive.
There was never a bomb?
No, no bomb.
Only this explosive agreement between
the US and the Soviet Union.
So we can do all the art
and science we want
without any regulations.
Pluvus calls your group
a bunch of coke heads.
Do you fancy cocaine?
No I'm fine.
You see, we have all types
of drugs here.
I've only taken what you had
- the cacti extract - when I was operated.
The hallucinations are interesting,
but there are better options.
Hallucinations?
Perceptual disorders is what
the scientist likes to call them.
So what I experienced wasn't...
real?
I met a centaur.
But maybe there are no...?
There are centaurs.
I can assure you.
Okay. That's good.
Her name was Thalia.
Thalia, yes. I love her.
It was her birthday yesterday,
big 25. Whoa, whoa.
I didn't know she
turned 25 years.
Oh, it's moons.
You know, a centaur's
life is counted in months.
So she's like, two years.
Two years, one month.
She's such a naughty girl.
I thought she was older than two.
Can I show you what
I'm most proud of?
Let's go.
I'm the only one who's been
transbraining for over 20 years.
For Russian people
there is no impossible.
No, no. Listen...
You deviated from our escort.
No. We got separated in the storm.
That was not intentional.
You violated our instructions.
You brought your own geiger counter.
Listen. One of my team has had
a paranoid episode. He's useless.
- I brought him here on mercy.
- Stop lying.
I'm not the only one lying
here, am I?
You might be a major, but these
guys are not professionals.
Look at this guy.
Do you want to find out if
those Kalashnikovs work or not?
Keep up the good work, comrades.
Here is where I keep my body.
As you can see, we're free thinkers.
One big la-di-da gang.
Are you sure you don't
want some amphetamine?
Yeah.
Who are you?
Oh Honey...
I am Bob Singleton.
No, you're not.
That's Bob Singleton.
You see,
all of this was essential
for me to write Quiet Donna.
I just needed to tap
into my feminine feelings.
But now I'm digging into
Greek mythology.
For a long time, I thought I was never
going to write
as well as your ancestor.
Little did I know I would have
his blood - your blood
pumping through my veins
one day.
Do you... Did they give you
my blood?
Is that what this has been about?
Do you realize that you're
the great niece
of the most prominent so-called
mythological writer of all time?
Do you get that?
This generation, you're so funny.
You're really...
Who's body is that?
Oh, this?
Seriously, I'm thinking of going back.
I'm so sick of menstruating.
What body is it?
Where did you get the body from?
Some young volunteer,
she was here it was good.
- What happened to her brain?
- You know, she just really loved dogs.
You're not a journalist, are you?
- No.
- I thought you were a writer.
Why would I be a writer?
So what are you?
I don't know.
Nobody. Nothing.
Okay.
Fair enough. So what do you want,
Sonja Schmidt?
Are you sure? Bob said that?
Okay.
No, four journalists entered the Zone,
four need to exit.
Even if it's in body bags.
Huh?
Okay... roger that.
Yeah... no.
Huh, what?
You're right.
Miss Schmidt is no journalist.
It's three journalists and a relative.
It still adds up to four body bags.
Roger.
Okay, listen.
I'm a businessman.
I got you Sonja here
for whatever sick reason
you wanted her.
I can stop anything from being published
and I can publish anything I want.
Look... I make up stories.
That's how I built my whole empire.
Perception is reality.
If I tell people there is nothing
to see here, they'll believe me.
So let's... Let's shape
the world together?
We're going to have to talk
more in private.
Yeah, sure, sure.
In order to create
exceptional works
one must put oneself
in an exceptional...
frame of mind.
And that's the truth, kiddos!
That's the God damn truth.
Truth!
There you go, there's a word
I've never said before.
Be not like dumb,
driven cattle.
Be a hero in the strife.
Trust no future...
Let the dead past
bury its dead.
The lives of great men all remind us
we can make our life sublime.
... as we forgive those
who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation;
but deliver us from the evil one.
For thine is the kingdom,
the power and the glory,
for ever and ever. Amen.
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name;
thy kingdom come;
thy will be done;
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses, as we
forgive those who trespass against us.
Let's get out of here.
Time to say farewell
to this place.
I got us a deal.
Yes. Hugs, hugs.
Where is Sonja?
She...
...will be all right.
No. Where is she?
They're not saying anything.
I know the answer to that.
She is taking a residency here.
She took a residency.
She's staying.
No, this place is creepy.
She can't stay.
Bob invited her to stay,
and promised to take care of her.
Bob Singleton?
You met Bob Singleton?
I did. Finally.... yeah.
He....he's a...
No, look, look...
We are leaving.
In order to do that, we need to
forget everything we saw here.
We need to cancel it out.
That is the only way I am getting
you out of here alive.
- Okay.
- Okay...
I don't understand.
Why would Sonja wanna stay?
Because...
she's an artist.
A true artist.
Yeah.
You're alright?
I've never been better.
Hey.
- Hey.
- How was the trip?
Oh, it was good.
Yeah... We never got
into the Zone.
We need to bury that story
and focus on other things.
I have ideas.
I have many, many ideas.
Great. I can't wait to hear!
We're so happy to have you back.
So I assume - vodka soda?
No. Thank you.
Okay.
Wait.
Where's my office?
- This one here?
- Yeah.
I thought so. Thank you.
Best sister,
just wanted to let you know
that I've survived the Zone.
But you won't see me in a while.
I've gotten a residency at IRAS,
and I will stay a few years.
You were right about the Kalamazoo
Herald. They weren't very serious.
But actually,
they've changed during this trip
and so have I.
At least I've been given an opportunity
I haven't had before.
And as you will see,
I'm gonna do all the covers
and illustrations for
the Kalamazoo Herald from now on.
I'll make sure to email
them to you.
Meanwhile, I'm sending
you loads of love.
For always your Sonja
or Deine kleine Pippi.
Pip pip.
Herald and Mr. Dino Davis.
He's on a plane to
our Stockholm office now.
We just wanted to make sure
you've gotten the DVD we sent you.
He's known as one of the most
depraved, disputed
and influential writers of all time.
Bob Singleton.
You've been called many
names over the years.
An anarchist, a blasphemer,
even a pornographer.
A la-di-da man, a mad man.
A mad man as well.
After the publication of your
debut novel Horny Youth
there were 22 murder attempts...
- 23 murder attempts.
- 23... murder attempts.
And now we find you here,
in a desolate
and frankly even more
hazardous place
living right next
to a radiation zone.
Tell me Bob, what is it that
brought you here?
The simple life.
You see, in order
to create exceptional works
one must put oneself in
an exceptional frame of mind.
You cannot tell a story
without experiencing it yourself.
That's the truth, kiddos!
That's the God damn truth.
No, no, no.
Hi.
That's not the Kalamazoo Herald.
That's the way the old school boring
suit-and-tie media does it.
Have you read our magazine?
Seen any of our shows?
We're daredevils! We go places
others never get access to.
On the cover you put the North Korean
chick with the Kalashnikov.
Oh my God, Turan!
Come here!
- Brother, did I miss you!
- You too man.
Let me see those palms.
- Still get horny on flights?
- Yeah.
- How many times you whacked?
- Twice on the flight.
You got to conserve that
groove juice.
I save it up all week,
then gift it to the world.
Sonja!
Come meet my best friend
in the whole fucked up world.
- Hi. Sonja.
- Turan.
Turan Hiram.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Do you want to see
my portfolio?
Yeah, sure I do.
Who has cigarettes?
I need a fucking smoke.
You know how these work?
No... no.
It's pretty simple.
You just hook this on the back
and then this little wire
is going under your shirt.
Okay.
I'm Gemma. I'll be one of
the cinematographers on this trip.
I'm Sonja. I'll be the illustrator.
I thought you said she
would be co-hosting?
But you said I was going
to illustrate?
I can host too. It's just that
I've never done it before.
- You'll be great. Look at you.
- Well.
What the fuck is happening
with this mic?
- I'm sorry.
- It's not your job.
You're thirsty?
You want something to drink?
- Gin and tonic.
- Gin and tonic. How sophisticated.
One GT over here and one
vodka soda for me!
Are you nervous?
You want a little medicine?
Okay!
Alright, sounds on.
Camera rolling.
Alright buddy, we're here
at the Scandinavia office...
Try that again.
Alright, let's go.
We're here at the Kalamazoo
Herald's Scandinavia office.
But we're about to go somewhere
much more remote.
We're entering into the radioactive Zone
in Kazakhstan.
Yes, you motherfuckers.
We just had our first drink
because we can't believe this shit
is about to happen.
We've been given permission
for the first time ever
into the Zone at the IRAS.
The Institute for Radiation Arts
and Sciences.
Here some of the world's greatest minds
have been given residency
but we don't give a fuck
about them.
We give a shit about what's behind
that long ass wall.
What's behind that motherfucker?
We've all heard the rumors.
Herds of radioactive centaur.
Do you think the photos are real?
I don't think they're real centaurs.
Who gives a fuck?
They're mutated fucking mules!
I want to see a real freak
of radiation! Don't you?
Here with me, I have Sonja Schmidt.
She is a...
An artist.
Okay. You're an artist.
But you're also a...
A person.
She is indeed a person.
She also happens to be the living
relative of the great Arno S... Fuck.
Let's do it again.
It's all good.
Alright. I have Sonja Schmidt
here with me.
She is a living relative of
the late writer Arno Schmidt,
somewhat of a Homeros
for Bob Singleton
who vouched for our invitation
into the Zone.
You know about Bob Singleton?
Yes.
He won the Nobel Prize.
But tell us about your great uncle.
Who was Arno Schmidt?
He was a German writer...
from Germany.
Who...
I'm sorry.
- German writer from Germany.
- No, it's okay!
We got the part about Bob Singleton
wanting to meet her...
- Along with the centaurs?
- Yeah yeah yeah, that was good.
- Dino! You came!
- Heeeello.
Bring the beer inside.
This fucking dude says I can't
come inside with the cigarette.
You need to put your cigarette down!
I'm not going to tell you...
- The cigarette is the culprit.
- Just put the cigarette down.
Why? He could basically
buy this whole place!
He owns the Kalamazoo Herald!
You're embarrassing yourself.
Am I a good boy?
Can I come in now?
- Welcome...
- Thank you.
Bloody Americans.
You have to let me do the poster.
I have some really cool ideas.
Yeah, sure, sure.
Yeah.
- Oh my God.
- Hi. How are you?
I'm good, thank you.
Why are you speaking English?
I don't know...
How are you man?
Good! How are you doing?
Huge fan, huge fan of your empire.
He's a musician.
You should sign him.
I do electronic music.
You know DJ Hell?
That Berlin guy.
He's from Mnich.
Yeah, that's true!
You should take my card.
Dealing ear-candy, to the nation?
That's what I do.
He's a really huge fan of me.
I'm a huge fan of you too.
- Do you want something to drink?
- Yeah.
Just so you know,
I'm not drunk.
This will not affect my work.
Come here.
You should lie down.
Come lie down.
So, you're a lesbian?
- What?
- Are you bisexual?
Do you sleep with men?
- Yeees.
- Yeees. I'm glad to hear that.
Don't worry. I have a rule.
I don't sleep with people
I'm working with. Promise.
Hey, man.
What stations you got?
I want to hear a love song.
We have Lugna Favoriter.
And also Mix Mega...
I don't know what the fuck
you're saying man.
Just put on a ballad.
- This is you?
- Yes, this is me.
- Okay, bye.
- Bye?
Wait, what? Bye?
I'm sorry. I'm just so tired.
But I'll see you tomorrow then?
Yeah.
- Okay.
- I'll see you tomorrow Princess.
Yes!
Shut that door.
You see, in order
to create exceptional works
one must put oneself
in an exceptional frame of...
Exceptional.
Frame of mind.
To me it sounds
like they are using you.
I know that.
But I'm gonna use them too.
This is a huge opportunity for me.
- Like huge.
- How can it be an huge opportunity?
Sonja, explain to me.
I'm gonna illustrate
for the Kalamazoo Herald.
There's a million people
that can do that.
I'm even gonna illustrate
the poster.
No one my age has ever done
that before.
If you want to become
an illustrator,
why don't you apply for...
I don't know.
An art school?
What is it you don't understand?
Art schools don't teach you anything!
Okay, sorry. I just want you
to live a happy life.
But I am happy Sina!
I'm very very happy.
- You're the only sister I have Sonja.
- The train is coming now.
- I can't talk to you.
- Sonja, wait!
Thank you.
You are welcome.
- Good?
- Yeah.
Listen, everybody here
does a little bit of everything.
Nobody is just one thing,
nobody is just a journalist.
- I hope you're not too disappointed?
- No.
We've got to keep the cameras
rolling all the time.
Catch that gold.
Got to stay loyal to reality.
I totally understand.
I actually drew that.
You did? You drew this?
Yeah.
Hey Turan, she drew the cover.
I was four, so...
This is beautiful.
It's very artistic.
The more I look at it,
the more I see.
What'd your great uncle
think of it?
I don't know.
I actually never met him.
Let's not tell them that at
the IRAS.
You didn't know him?
No. My sister did,
but she's much older and German.
What does she do?
She's a therapist.
- Shit.
- Yikes.
We got the good one.
I make people into stars,
I make them become Gods.
You know you could be huge?
You think?
I know.
- But you haven't seen my portfolio.
- It doesn't matter.
Right now you're here,
but you could be there...
Go be the hero.
I'm serious. Go be the hero.
My little sister.
My little Pippi Longstockings.
What are you doing here?
I have no idea what all the fuss over
this writer is about.
Let's have another drink.
Yeah.
SOVIET KAZAKHSTAN
AFTER THE HOT DAYS
All right. Major Pluvus.
Dino Davis from
the Kalamazoo Herald.
Nice to finally meet you.
Miss Schmidt.
On behalf of IRAS, the Institute
of Radiation Art and Science.
I'd like to welcome you here.
The work of your uncle means a lot
to Mr Singleton.
You are our honored guest.
Thanks.
- Wow, thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Very nice.
- Follow me.
Gemma! Come on, let's go.
I had Gemma, our second cameraman.
Excuse me, camera woman
head into the system...
Systembolaget.
That place in Stockholm,
to get some booze.
We all know you can't get vodka
in Kazakhstan anymore.
It's insane.
The land the Gods abandoned.
We all know the story,
the Cold War turned hot.
- Hotter than hotter.
- Yeah.
Why don't you take it away?
Tell us about that Sonja.
A Soviet nuclear bomb was
shot down by the US
and exploded in Kazakhstan
which made a huge area into
a wasteland.
- An area the size of fucking Texas.
- Yeah.
When they evacuated,
it was really warm weather.
That's why it's called
the Hot Days.
Hotter than hotter.
That was adorable.
You're getting
the hang of it, aren't you?
What about you?
What were you doing
during these historic times?
I'm not on camera.
Sorry, sir.
Sonja, can you please try to
look into my camera?
- Oh, sorry.
- I'm the main photographer.
There it is... the wall.
The only thing shielding us from
the most radioactive spot on Earth.
Behind it centaurs are
galloping in harmony
holding hands and hoofs.
There are no centaurs in the Zone.
As you'll see for yourself.
Thanks.
You're not gonna ask what
it is first?
You're crazy girl.
I love it. By the way,
sign right there.
And give me one of those things.
Thank you.
Erm... What is it?
It's iodine. Helps with the radiation.
I meant...
Thank you.
Since our doors opened in 1958,
over 120 geniuses
from both the Soviet Union
and the USA
have stayed at the residence.
One more thing.
I'm afraid our Nobel laureate,
Mr. Singleton, has communicated
he wishes not to be disturbed.
No, no, hold on. Wait.
- I thought he wanted to meet Sonja.
- Well, he does.
But he's writing a new novella.
That's a bummer.
The hero of my God damn youth.
No show...
Good start.
Is it time for the Geigers now?
They're working.
No no no... later.
It's time for your screenings.
They'll be held in the Soviet sector.
- It's an honor to meet you.
- Likewise.
You work and live here?
You're a scientist?
I'm not a scientist.
I'm Professor Schukovski.
I'm the best scientist in the world.
Open your mouth, please.
We must do more testing on you.
What are we testing for?
We need to know
you're fit for the radiation.
You can lie down.
Your blood type?
It's okay, we'll sort it out.
She is a serious admirer of you.
How have you seen my work?
The talent runs in the blood.
You're like the holy of holies
to me.
I'm just very excited
to be in your presence.
You can sign these books.
Should I write my uncle's name
or my name?
- You can write both.
- Okay.
Dedicate it to Bob Singleton.
Dearest, Love...
- Okay.
- Whatever you feel is good for you.
So, how do you feel?
I feel like royalty
and my hangover is gone.
It's because we've circulated
your blood.
You can choose one.
This.
Sergeant Barcoff will get back
to you.
This is a matter of life
and death.
Whenever you are outside
your vehicle in the Zone,
your protective gear
must be worn at all times
or the radiation
will penetrate your bones.
Is there any questions?
Yeah, I got a question.
How much groove juice have you
saved up here?
We don't have juice here.
Okay.
Mobile phones, please.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I appreciate how gently
you put down your phone.
Welcome to the Zone.
Is this it?
Everything's just fucking white.
You brought your own counter?
It takes a lot to mutate animals.
There's no way the radiation
they reported at the Institute is enough.
Knock it off.
- What...
- We fucking talked about this.
Shut the fuck up!
I'm just.. I'm just saying.
Fucking say less!
Sergeant Barcoff,
Dino to Sergeant Barcoff.
Barcoff's listening. Over.
This fucked up melted mountain
to the left, can we go up there?
We want to get an overview.
That's a negative sir.
There's risk of landslides here.
Okay. Thank you very much
Bar-cough.
Fucking pale-faced-sperm-sucker!
We will camp here for the night
and continue tomorrow.
Bullshit baffles brains.
Let's get to it.
Game faces on, right.
We're the Kalamazoo Herald!
Stepping outdoors.
There's a tingly sensation
in my body.
It's hard to tell if that's the radiation,
or the nerves hitting me.
Follow me to the safe Zone.
New York Times,
The Washington Post.
None of these hacks
have made it inside here.
- We fucking did it!
- Gemma you're in my shot.
What are you doing?
- Huh?
- Sorry, I didn't see you.
Go charge some batteries
or something.
Yeah, go!
Alright guys!
- We did it.
- Legendary.
This is the first footage of the Zone
ever released.
We're writing history.
We're writing history.
Team Kalamazoo!
Oh yeah that's a nice shot.
Oh, look at you!
- You didn't get a patch?
- No.
What did they do at your
screening then?
Not much to be honest,
they just checked my temperature.
They circulated my whole blood.
- What does that even mean?
- I don't know.
I don't get why they are so
obsessed with me.
Or, with my great uncle.
Look, I've been meaning to ask
you something.
Don't take this the wrong way,
but are you getting paid to be here?
No, not really.
Not at all?
No.
So we're both doing it for
the exposure?
Yeah.
I mean, it's great exposure.
Isn't it?
Yeah and I'm gonna make sure
I'll be the one to do the poster.
I'm sure you will.
If he doesn't choose one of my photos
over your illustrations.
Just so you know.
Okay.
We have a South Eastern
wind today
so the radiation is extra high.
On this plateau you get a good view
of the surroundings.
Not really. No.
Yes. Enjoy.
He's babysitting us.
- It's a fucking horse and pony show.
- Yeah.
Barcoff. We came here to see the impact
zone. That's what we want to see.
The road is diverted
for a reason.
I'm sure it is.
Can I get Dino and Sonja only.
Clear the frame.
Jesus fuck!
Give us a little space.
Let an artist paint.
13 400... 500... holy shit!
Without these suits on we would
be dead in a couple of days.
You're getting worried?
Maybe.
- I'm worried.
- Yeah...
We need to get a freaky animal
on camera.
We can't get home with nothing.
I think Barcoff has the hots for me.
Barcoff would fuck
a pile of hot rocks
if he could find a hole
small enough.
Maybe I can...
try to convince him
to take a detour?
Come here my illustrator.
You got this.
- So hot!
- Yes, it's very hot.
Yeah.
I wanted to thank you for taking
so good care of us.
I feel very safe with you.
But we kind of need to see some
mutated animals or something.
I would love to help,
but I'm only following orders.
Pluvus doesn't have to know.
Please.
There is maybe something.
Careful.
- Give me your hand.
- Thanks.
There it is.
We call it... the pup.
Wow...
Cool.
Now you have to show me
some real animals.
Who says there are
any animals here?
I'm sorry!
I'm really sorry.
- Oh. Your arm!
- The glove!
- Shit!
- But the-
- It's... it's okay.
But the radiation?
The radiation here in this precise spot,
isn't that high.
It's an exception.
- I... think I have to go back.
- Yes.
Yes... No!
Stop!
You don't say a word about this.
About what just happened.
Is that clear?
- You lived in London?
- Yeah.
- Did you work for me in London?
- Yes.
I used to hang out a lot at that bar.
Lights Last? That's my grill.
I own it.
- You own that as well?
- Yeah. I do.
That's cool.
That's where I met Mathias.
- Is Mathias your boyfriend?
- He's my ex-husband.
We're going through a divorce
at the moment. Not fun.
Having one of those? I'm sorry.
You know I'm going to
let you shoot the poster?
Barcoff massaged my back.
- Okay?
- But I got scared for real.
You got scared of what?
Catching the hazmat herp?
Some hazmat herpes coming your way?
He told me not to say this,
but he got exposed to radiation.
- Barcoff got exposed?
- Yeah.
What?
He had this huge gap
between his glove and his suit.
He said it didn't matter because
there was no radiation
at that certain spot.
That is not what our counters said.
Yeah, I know. It's weird.
- Turan.
- Yeah?
It's fine... We'll be good.
Barcoff here.
There's a little bit of sand
ahead of us.
Stay close to our tail lights,
otherwise you might get lost.
Aye aye Captain.
Fuck.
Wait, what if the windows crack guys?
Then we'll get fried.
Turan, get that!
Get her frightened face.
- Say the window thing again.
- I didn't say it.
Just make him happy.
The windows might crack.
- No. That was so fake.
- It's not gonna win you any Oscars.
- The windows might crack.
- Again...
- Hey, you need to commit to this! Okay?
- Yeah.
Take it serious.
Do it again. Don't overact.
Say: the windows will crack!
The window might- will crack.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't waste any more tape.
Anybody seen any Minatours?
If we took off now
I don't think they would notice.
If we what?
If we just took off.
I don't think they would notice
because we don't see the cars.
I don't think that's a good idea.
I can't see anything.
That's good thinking Princess.
Great minds think alike.
Gemma slow down.
Just a little bit.
- Turn now!
- Go!
Go, go, go!
- I can't see anything.
- That's the whole point!
Drive, drive, drive.
Drive!
Hey, Barcoff.
We've lost the road,
I'm not sure we're even
on it anymore.
Stay where you are.
Okay. Copy that. Roger.
Ten four out.
Take the batteries out
so they can't track this.
Smash it open!
Were you rolling on that?
Yeah.
I fucking did.
Wait. Do that again.
Oh my God.
We tried to find our way back
with the tracks, but we can't find them.
Just try to remain calm.
Also, keep the headlights
on so we'll be able to see you.
- Soon it will be dark. Over.
- Copy that. And the headlights are... on.
Copy. Now honk the horn
every thirty seconds. Over.
Got that. Gemma,
would you honk the horn?
- Got it.
- No, don't shut the lights!
Now we're finally on our own
in the forbidden Zone.
And cut.
Holy shit. Let me see that.
I can't believe
we got that on camera.
This is the best work
of my fucking career, I'm telling you.
Ooh! Oh my God!
You should have gotten that
on film.
- You thought it was a centaur, didn't you?
- I wish it was a centaur.
As soon as the sun
comes up tomorrow,
we're going to go out there
and film a bunch of mutated shit.
But for now, this is gold.
This is G-O-L-D.
We cheated the fucking military.
- We almost died.
- We almost died, baby.
You are a fucking star.
All right. Come on kiddos.
Let's drink up.
Surely we didn't break every bottle.
Come on, come on.
Oh, it lives!
What are you wearing?
It's lead.
To protect my sperm.
I might want to have kids one day.
I thought the reason you broke up
with Rebecca
- was because you didn't want kids.
- Well, no... I don't think...
Listen! I don't think this place
is radioactive at all.
My geiger counter is showing
nothing outside.
- Are you sure it's not broken?
- No, it works.
This contains a small amount
of uranium. Like any old watch.
Look what happens when I put
this counter to it?
Nothing. And this is going
wild outside.
Yeah, it's like tick tick tick.
Try my watch.
You see?
Shit, try the Rolex.
Stop bullshitting me.
I think the military counters
are rigged.
Honestly, I think this whole
fucking place is a hoax.
Think about it. Why won't they
show us the impact area?
And what about Barcoff's
strange behavior when he got exposed?
That was so weird.
- No...
- Yes, that was so weird.
No, no. I mean, no fucking way.
There's no fucking radiation
in the radioactive Zone?
- Exactly.
- What the fuck!
Holy shit.
- This is a fucking scoop buddy.
- What a scoop!
Holy shit.
Listen, right now you're here.
But you could be there.
Top floor.
I want you to shoot
all our upcoming shows.
Are you sure?
Of course I am.
What do I have to do to
get one of these?
Get creative.
I think we should get some
sleep, right?
Yeah. Good idea.
So what are we doing tomorrow?
Find out what they really hide
in this place.
What do you think that is?
- Nukes.
- Another A-bomb.
- It's always weapons.
- What?
That's scary.
It can make good illustrations!
Is it silly to say that maybe
the Gods sent this storm
to show us they haven't
forgotten this place?
- No.
- Yeah.
Yeah, it's a silly thing to say.
Alright.
Time for bed everybody.
Come here.
Dino please stop.
Gemma, are you okay?
I'm fine.
Hey, you can come sleep
upfront if you want.
Uh-uh.
Imagine that you're walking
in total darkness.
You can't see anything,
so you light a match.
What you can see in this light
is the "ich". Your I.
But your self can be expanded.
And allow you to see more clearly.
There are no free lunches...
For fuck's sake Gemma.
Slow down.
I can't get a steady shot.
- How long have I been asleep?
- A couple of hours.
Guys, I forgot to clarify something
before we left.
Fuck sake Dino.
That's a bomb.
That's the nuke right there.
What have you eaten?
Nothing. Here, you want
some lunch?
Thanks.
God, I think I shat my pants.
Seriously, we have no water left.
Maybe it's time to call the military
and get back to the Institute.
Before we find out the truth?
We can cut to a panel, discussing
what they might be hiding here
and confront them from back
home where we're safe.
Don't be a chicken.
Hold on. Let's put it to a vote.
This is a democracy.
All in favor of going home like
chicken-shit-pussies, raise your hand.
Shit. What is that?
Stop! Turn around.
Get up here. Straight.
Look, what the fuck is that?
Cactuses?
We're gonna pretend they are
super mutated.
Let's roll.
Aren't we looking for weapons?
Rolling? All right, friends.
We just rolled up on a virtual forest
of desert radioactive cacti.
But there's no radiation.
We all fucking know there's
no radiation.
We're suspending our disbelief.
TV magic.
We're trying to create some tension.
I don't know why the fuck
I'm explaining that to you.
So let's get out there
and put the fucking suits on.
I'll be like John Wayne
And you can be...
Ingrid Bergman.
No, Jean Arthur.
You're Jean Arthur.
- You know who Jean Arthur is?
- No.
She's like an American Greta Garbo,
you know who that is right?
- Yes
- Legendary, okay?
No, I want to be
Niki de Saint Phalle.
Shush, shush.
Niki de Saint Phalle,
I really want to be her.
Who is Niki de Saint Phalle?
She is the one with
the really big women and all colors...
Shut the fuck up.
What are you talking about?
I don't know who you're talking about.
Shush!
This moment is not about you.
- I'm sorry.
- Just stop.
Just do as I say.
Yeah.
Alright.
We're gonna head out
there into the fucking desert.
We're gonna film some super
mutated shit
and break new ground.
Me and you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Everybody on board?
Team Kalamazoo.
Let's go.
Watch where you're going.
We have to do that again!
Stop trying to steal my job.
How am I stealing your job?
I'm not even getting
paid for this trip.
You're constantly trying to hog
the best angles. Stop that.
You have no fucking idea what
I have to do.
I have a pretty good idea
of what you're doing.
Come on Gemma.
I need this shot!
You're my main photographer now.
C'mon let's go.
Let's see if I can crack this
fucker open, huh?
What a desert mystery.
Look it's full of milk!
You want a sip?
Cool off from the heat?
Whaaaat?
Oh shit.
Did you fucking do it?
Did you drink it?
Show me.
You are such a gangster.
I love this fucking girl.
Oh shit. How does it feel?
Keep rolling, Gemma.
This is journalism.
- This is fucking journalism!
- Stop!
Call for help.
Call the military!
Try to puke. Put two
fingers in your mouth.
- No, I wanna do this.
- She's fine.
- Let's keep on working.
- No!
We break new ground.
- What?
- Let's do this now.
There's no radiation here, man.
What's the fucking danger?
She just drank from a cactus.
We have no idea what
that can do to her.
Who drinks from a cactus?
- John Wayne.
- In a movie!
I am John Wayne.
We're about to make
a big scoop here, man.
We're close to something major.
Then why have we been wasting
our time on this scene?
Excuse me?
Why have we been shooting
a John Wayne travesty?
If you don't call for help, I will.
I'm turning on the walkie.
Don't you fucking go
against me.
Don't you ever go against me!
You fucking hear me with your
cracked up ear holes?
Gemma, come on.
I need you.
He tried to kill me
because he isn't John Wayne?
We shouldn't have brought
you here.
You shouldn't be here.
It's officially over.
We're being kicked out
of this fucking hellhole.
Cut.
Why the fuck did you drink
from that cactus?
You told me to do it.
I don't think I've met a more
desperate human being in my life.
Sad. That's what you are.
And you're a liar.
You're a big, fat, liar.
You told me you are loyal to reality.
But you're not loyal at all.
You fuck your employees.
You don't even pay them so
they're not even your employees.
Is it truth time?
You wanna share a little bit?
I got something for you.
You are a flake.
That's fine.
You blend in with all the other
morons on this planet.
But me, I'm as big as it gets.
Take a look at your fucking life.
I'm Dino fucking Davis.
Who the fuck are you?
Does the military know
where we are?
Yes, the fucking military
knows where we're here.
I told Pluvus we had a dead walkie
and we soldered it today.
We're up and running.
We better get some material
before they get here.
Come on, cameras up!
Let's fucking go.
I don't wanna go with him.
I'm gonna stay with her.
No you're fucking not.
I need two cameras.
I need your compositions.
No, don't go
Shut the fuck up.
You're my star.
I don't feel good.
I'm sorry.
He's right.
He needs my compositions.
I'll be right back.
You probably shouldn't eat that.
I've done it. It's not...
Yooouu daaank fooom
cactooooff?
I'm sorry what are you saying?
You drank from cactuuus?
- Yes. How did you know that?
- Cactus.
Oh? Is this from the cactus?
You in luuuuuv?
I'm in... what?
I thought you were an IRAS member,
Or some kind of great artist.
You drink to get horny.
- Horny?
- Yes.
I'm Sonja.
Thaaaalia.
Thalia? Sonja.
- Ooiia.
- Sonja
Oooia.
Ssssss-onja.
Sonja.
Yeah, that's me.
Miiii birthda.
Is it your birthday?
Happy birthday.
I wish I could give you
something.
I don't have anything.
Do you want...
Do you want this?
Her tongue was a bit bigger.
Like, really big.
And her kisses tasted like grass.
It's hard to describe but it was
a real connection.
It was great. It felt like we
were kissing for hours.
We were only gone for 30 minutes.
That's okay.
You're trying to make up
for fucking the whole thing up.
It was a real connection.
Well, you said that she spoke
really slowly?
Maybe that's why.
She taaaalked liiike this.
Whaaats yooour naaame...
Shit. That's good.
What else did she say?
You drink from the cactuses
to get horny.
To get horny?
- I couldn't stop staring at her breasts.
- I bet.
And she wanted my bracelet,
so I gave it to her.
- And the hat.
- Turan's hat?
It was her birthday,
so I had to give her something.
Well, we found Turan's hat
before we found you.
You don't believe I met a centaur?
Hey, you had sex.
Tell us about the sex.
No I didn't have sex.
We kissed a lot.
Okay. So you didn't have sex.
You had some self-loving?
Let's be honest. You got horny
after we left, and you whacked off.
I don't want to be a part of this.
Can you please stop Gemma?
Stop filming me.
This whole part has to be cut out.
I don't want to be known as
an animal fucker.
It's a zoophile.
The Herald dedicated
an entire issue to that.
For your information, you signed
an NDA and release form
back in the Jeep
at the wall station.
You are whatever
the fuck I say you are.
Shit!
They're here already.
That was fast. Suit up!
Turan!
Turan, we got to suit up!
Wake the fuck up.
We got to suit up.
Come on.
Wake up.
Fuck!
We need to go full Pulp Fiction
on this, man.
- Go put it in Sonja.
- I'm not putting it up her ass!
I don't care what hole.
Ass, pussy, it just has to go inside.
No, no, no!
I'll fucking do it.
Wait, wait!
Sonja! Sonja!
Hey, Princess.
I need you to hide this for me?
I need you to hide the gold.
- It's not gold.
- Yes, it is.
And gold needs to be hidden
inside the vault.
No. No!
Front or back.
It's going inside!
No!
- No!
- Come on!
- It's going in.
- Stop!
This is unacceptable.
What on Earth have
you done to her?
Nothing! She's having a heatstroke.
She took her overalls off.
- I couldn't stop her.
- What?
She's choking out.
She drank from a cactus!
- She did what?
- She drank from a cactus.
- One of these cactuses?
- Yeah.
These cactuses
are genetically manipulated.
They use the extract during surgery.
Oh fuck.
I'm gonna get so punished for this.
Listen. We have to get you
to a hospital immediately.
Do you hear me?
Nice and easy.
You need to see a doctor.
Otherwise you are going to die.
Yes, yes, you will need
an antidote.
- I can't feel my legs.
- Help me up.
Open the door!
- You need to get the antidote.
- No.
Talk to me!
Go faster, god damn it!
I am driving fast!
I'm taking you to the real IRAS.
The real IRAS?
Nothing is what it seems here.
I'm not even a real soldier.
What do you mean?
Professional soldiers aren't allowed
inside the Zone.
What about that guy
who picked us up?
Pluvus? He's a Major.
But he's not welcome inside here.
Keep talking to her.
Do not let her die!
Hey, look at me... Sonja.
Hey, hey.
Open your eyes. Sonja?
Open your eyes!
If he goes about
to expand the dream...
... if he would offer to say
what mere thought I've had.
The eye of man
have not heard.
The ear of man
have not seen.
Man's hand not able to taste
his tongue to conceive,
nor his heart to report
what my dream was.
I have had a most rare vision.
I thought I heard someone.
You deserve a proper welcome.
So welcome to the real IRAS,
the Institute of Radical Art
and Science.
The radical?
It's radical. It's not radioactive.
It was never radioactive.
There was never a bomb?
No, no bomb.
Only this explosive agreement between
the US and the Soviet Union.
So we can do all the art
and science we want
without any regulations.
Pluvus calls your group
a bunch of coke heads.
Do you fancy cocaine?
No I'm fine.
You see, we have all types
of drugs here.
I've only taken what you had
- the cacti extract - when I was operated.
The hallucinations are interesting,
but there are better options.
Hallucinations?
Perceptual disorders is what
the scientist likes to call them.
So what I experienced wasn't...
real?
I met a centaur.
But maybe there are no...?
There are centaurs.
I can assure you.
Okay. That's good.
Her name was Thalia.
Thalia, yes. I love her.
It was her birthday yesterday,
big 25. Whoa, whoa.
I didn't know she
turned 25 years.
Oh, it's moons.
You know, a centaur's
life is counted in months.
So she's like, two years.
Two years, one month.
She's such a naughty girl.
I thought she was older than two.
Can I show you what
I'm most proud of?
Let's go.
I'm the only one who's been
transbraining for over 20 years.
For Russian people
there is no impossible.
No, no. Listen...
You deviated from our escort.
No. We got separated in the storm.
That was not intentional.
You violated our instructions.
You brought your own geiger counter.
Listen. One of my team has had
a paranoid episode. He's useless.
- I brought him here on mercy.
- Stop lying.
I'm not the only one lying
here, am I?
You might be a major, but these
guys are not professionals.
Look at this guy.
Do you want to find out if
those Kalashnikovs work or not?
Keep up the good work, comrades.
Here is where I keep my body.
As you can see, we're free thinkers.
One big la-di-da gang.
Are you sure you don't
want some amphetamine?
Yeah.
Who are you?
Oh Honey...
I am Bob Singleton.
No, you're not.
That's Bob Singleton.
You see,
all of this was essential
for me to write Quiet Donna.
I just needed to tap
into my feminine feelings.
But now I'm digging into
Greek mythology.
For a long time, I thought I was never
going to write
as well as your ancestor.
Little did I know I would have
his blood - your blood
pumping through my veins
one day.
Do you... Did they give you
my blood?
Is that what this has been about?
Do you realize that you're
the great niece
of the most prominent so-called
mythological writer of all time?
Do you get that?
This generation, you're so funny.
You're really...
Who's body is that?
Oh, this?
Seriously, I'm thinking of going back.
I'm so sick of menstruating.
What body is it?
Where did you get the body from?
Some young volunteer,
she was here it was good.
- What happened to her brain?
- You know, she just really loved dogs.
You're not a journalist, are you?
- No.
- I thought you were a writer.
Why would I be a writer?
So what are you?
I don't know.
Nobody. Nothing.
Okay.
Fair enough. So what do you want,
Sonja Schmidt?
Are you sure? Bob said that?
Okay.
No, four journalists entered the Zone,
four need to exit.
Even if it's in body bags.
Huh?
Okay... roger that.
Yeah... no.
Huh, what?
You're right.
Miss Schmidt is no journalist.
It's three journalists and a relative.
It still adds up to four body bags.
Roger.
Okay, listen.
I'm a businessman.
I got you Sonja here
for whatever sick reason
you wanted her.
I can stop anything from being published
and I can publish anything I want.
Look... I make up stories.
That's how I built my whole empire.
Perception is reality.
If I tell people there is nothing
to see here, they'll believe me.
So let's... Let's shape
the world together?
We're going to have to talk
more in private.
Yeah, sure, sure.
In order to create
exceptional works
one must put oneself
in an exceptional...
frame of mind.
And that's the truth, kiddos!
That's the God damn truth.
Truth!
There you go, there's a word
I've never said before.
Be not like dumb,
driven cattle.
Be a hero in the strife.
Trust no future...
Let the dead past
bury its dead.
The lives of great men all remind us
we can make our life sublime.
... as we forgive those
who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation;
but deliver us from the evil one.
For thine is the kingdom,
the power and the glory,
for ever and ever. Amen.
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name;
thy kingdom come;
thy will be done;
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses, as we
forgive those who trespass against us.
Let's get out of here.
Time to say farewell
to this place.
I got us a deal.
Yes. Hugs, hugs.
Where is Sonja?
She...
...will be all right.
No. Where is she?
They're not saying anything.
I know the answer to that.
She is taking a residency here.
She took a residency.
She's staying.
No, this place is creepy.
She can't stay.
Bob invited her to stay,
and promised to take care of her.
Bob Singleton?
You met Bob Singleton?
I did. Finally.... yeah.
He....he's a...
No, look, look...
We are leaving.
In order to do that, we need to
forget everything we saw here.
We need to cancel it out.
That is the only way I am getting
you out of here alive.
- Okay.
- Okay...
I don't understand.
Why would Sonja wanna stay?
Because...
she's an artist.
A true artist.
Yeah.
You're alright?
I've never been better.
Hey.
- Hey.
- How was the trip?
Oh, it was good.
Yeah... We never got
into the Zone.
We need to bury that story
and focus on other things.
I have ideas.
I have many, many ideas.
Great. I can't wait to hear!
We're so happy to have you back.
So I assume - vodka soda?
No. Thank you.
Okay.
Wait.
Where's my office?
- This one here?
- Yeah.
I thought so. Thank you.
Best sister,
just wanted to let you know
that I've survived the Zone.
But you won't see me in a while.
I've gotten a residency at IRAS,
and I will stay a few years.
You were right about the Kalamazoo
Herald. They weren't very serious.
But actually,
they've changed during this trip
and so have I.
At least I've been given an opportunity
I haven't had before.
And as you will see,
I'm gonna do all the covers
and illustrations for
the Kalamazoo Herald from now on.
I'll make sure to email
them to you.
Meanwhile, I'm sending
you loads of love.
For always your Sonja
or Deine kleine Pippi.
Pip pip.