Eggs (1995) Movie Script

Good morning,
and well met.
Most of you have probably been
up and about for a few hours now.
But we also know that
some of you enjoy
staying under the duvet,
listening to our show.
And when the opportunity arises,
why not?
However, let's not forget that
some, maybe for health reasons,
are confined to bed.
And to those, I'd like to wish
a speedy recovery.
Maybe you're considering
having a cup of coffee now...
Speaking of coffee,
we've received this long letter...
Pa and Moe are brothers
Good morning and well met.
Today I'm in our studio
examining a calendar stick.
It's a gift to our staff from a listener in
Halden who eagerly follows our series on
ancient weather markers.
Actually, these calendar sticks
have become quite popular again.
They are particularly
in demand as souvenirs.
And it is indeed rather
curious that such a small stick
can tell us so much about
people's sense of time and
their feast days through the centuries.
How many times do I
have to tell you that...
Pa and Moe have spent
their entire lives together... mustn't drink raw water.
Except for Pa's scooter trip
to Smaaland
Tampen, Statfjord:
South and southwest,
strong breeze, 12 m/s.
Moderate to poor visibility.
The Orkney Islands
and The Hebrides:
Southwesterly breeze rising to
strong breeze on Thursday, 12.
Moderate or good visibility.
Rockall: Southerly strong breeze,12,
rising to near gale on Thursday, 15.
Here, open wide.
The pound sterling moves up to 11.96
The French franc moves up to 108.60
Will you stop doing that?
The U.S. dollar drops
from 5.4410 to 5.4290
The Canadian dollar...
Then there's 16 across...
"inflammation." Now, let's see..
Seven degrees Celsius.
No, eight.
But you just said it was seven!
That's what you said.
Well, it's cold no matter what.
Rain and rain showers.
Moderate to poor visibility.
Storegga, Frya- and Haltenbanken:
Southwesterly strong breeze, 12 m/s.
Intermittent rain,
moderate visibility.
Selling 116, buying 115
Storebrand sells 164
and buys 167.
What an idiotic crossword puzzle!
Modern nonsense!
Seabird, 10 letters.
It is called albatross.
Yes, but that's only nine letters.
Very well, but still...
... someone who gets a pirate TV decoder
to watch encrypted TV transmissions,
without having to pay.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
But you pricked me.
Come now,
it isn't all that bad.
I just got jumpy
because of that explosion.
What explosion?
You didn't hear it?
No. Where?
I guess it was...over there.
-Over there?
-Really, over there?
-Yes, really!
Do you see anything?
Yes, of course I see something...
...but I see no explosion.
Anyhow, something did go off.
Pa and Moe do not own a TV set
The Western makes a comeback,
but there's a new hero.
Louie Talker fights.
John Wayne killed the Indians,'s hero moves in
with the Indians,
unless he's not busy
dancing with animals.
Yes, that's correct., it doesn't.
Let me have a look.
No, this can't be correct.
Oh, yes, it is.
The scales are brand new.
Well, let's weigh you then.
Let's see...
This needs to go over here.
- Yes...yes.
Like so.
How much did daddy weigh
near the end?
Well, not much at all.
- Indeed.
But I don't get this.
Why is there such a difference?
-Do a recheck then.
That huge a difference can't be right...
Go get dressed, Moe. Otherwise,
you'll just catch a cold again.
Do you need to scold me every time
my weight's been revealed?
Moe enjoys dancing
after he's been weighed
Do you have to play so loud?
At least turn it down to talking level!
Good morning and well met.
Time for a story.
Just before Christmas
a little girl came home from school
and said that her class was going
to make some Christmas presents...
All the way up there.
Hand me a glitter garland, please.
Thank you.
This goes here.
Flags next!
Christmas ornaments!
Ornaments, yes...
Here's an extra
Christmas ball for you.
Oh, thank you.
When are you actually
going to grow up?
Then Job stood up, tore apart his
cape, and cut off all his hair.
No, no, no, no.
Listen to this:
"Then Satan fled before
the eyes of The Lord,
And struck Job with
a malignant tumor...
from the soles of his feet
to the top of his head."
Do you really need to read
that stuff on Christmas Eve?
But that is what it says here.
- Oh, well.
- Pa?
- Yes?
Do you remember that time
daddy got ill,...
and they stuck a big rod up his prick?
- Uff, no...
...wasn't it some kind of tube?
- No, I think it was a long stick.
But daddy did not
understand any of that.
That's right.
He didn't even understand that
praise could be dangerous, too.
Most certainly.
I could really do with
a decent cup of coffee now.
I hope it's strong enough.
It definitely is.
Really good.
I just found two hazelnuts
in one shell again!
Oh, really?
Do you want to play filipine?
[trad. Christmas game involving hazelnuts]
Yes, fine by me.
What are we playing about?
About whether the sausage salesman
will come this year as well...
He won't be back this year.
Really? I think he will.
Well, what's the prize then?
The dishwashing, of course.
Dear all,
in a few hours it will be
January, 1995.
A month that got its name
from the Roman god, Janus
the god of two faces...
one looking ahead,
the other back...
That lottery ticket was sold
in the county of Buskerud.
The second prize of 50.000 kroner
goes to ticket number 1409224.
The winner
also lives in Oslo.
No luck this week either.
Moe, it's quite impossible to get
this Christmas tree out.
Do I really have to keep
telling you every year that have to take it out through
the door, Christmas tree stand first.
"Every year"... yeah, right, you fool.
Always wipe with...
let's just rewind the roll first...There!
So where shall I put it then?
Put it where we usually do.
Well, where, where then?
In the wood shed, of course.
In the shed?
- Yes, that's right.
- Bah, the shed!
I cannot get the door to
the wood shed open.
Is it really necessary of you
to burst in here just for that?
Right, get out!
I'll be there shortly.
Others might want to
use the bathroom as well.
Can I get some peace
and quiet now?
It's the Hordaland county chapter of The
National Association of Road Traffic Victims,
that has been gathering signatures
to force the government into improving
conditions for victims of traffic accidents.
"We can no longer accept that young
people are being put in nursing homes
or that they are sent there
after receiving hospital treatment,"
said spokesperson for the delegation,
Solveig Melvold, to the mayor.
The students at the University of Bergen
are in general
content with their financial situation.
This is the finding of
a comprehensive survey of students...
No, that's seven letters.
They must have made
a mistake here.
- Gepard [cheetah]
You mean geopard, then.
-No, it's gepard!
- Gepard?
Child molestation...
Oh, no! Yuck!
Child molestation?
Yes, and this is just
the tip of the ice berg.
Do you remember that time
daddy hit me?
Yes, but you had
yourself to blame.
The jack goes on the queen.
- Yes, you're right.
Whoever might that be?
Answer it then.
Yes? Hello?
What? Yes, that's right.
From Smaaland?
Hang on.
It's for you.
From Smaaland.
From Smaaland?
-Yes, from Smaaland.
The Swedish voice on the phone
said that Konrad, Pa's son from
the scooter trip to Smaaland...
Has to come and live
with them for a while.
Konrad's mother has
become very ill.
Actually, I've never
been to Oslo.
Phew! Oslo, right!
Not everyone's been to
Smaaland either, you know...
When was he supposed
to arrive here?
Well, they... they just said that
he would be coming...
straight away.
- What do you mean, "straight away"?
Yes, just "straight away".
Yes, here they
can come indeed.
On the 27th, thank heavens,
Cylindia Voelund is coming.
Yes, praise the Lord!
That's taken care of,
his room should be in order now.
Moe? What are you doing?
Aren't you done with that flag soon?
This flag must have been
kept outside all winter.
It's frozen solid.
Anyway, I've just
put on the coffee.
But whatever you do,
don't call him "hen".
Is it so much better
calling him Konrad Poppe then?
But that is his name.
"Konrad" will do.
Poppe! Poppe!
Fortunately, on the 27th,
Cylindia Voelund is coming.
He's arriving now.
Let's go and greet him.
Sure, I'm coming.
The car is outside now.
It's too late to raise the flag.
That's just fine.
This was President John F. Kennedy
addressing Congress on May 25, 1961, ...
...launching the Apollo Program.
This giant initiative...
at the time, the biggest technical-scientific
one that humankind had ever endevoured.
Eventually, more than 350.000 people
from some 20.000 industrial enterprises
and 200 universities were involved,
as there were many unanswered
questions that needed answering.
For example, very little was known
about the carrying capacity
of the lunar surface.
Little was known about how people,
in a state of weightlessness,
would stand being cooped up in a tiny
space capsule for prolonged periods of time.
But finally things started
to come together...
...and on July 20, 1969,
at 21:17:42
the Lunar Module, Eagle,
landed in the Sea of Tranquility.
Later it turned out that
the lunar landing wasn't
at all as trouble-free as
one had been led to believe.
And that explains why the voice
of mission control said that...
...they were about to turn blue before
being notified of a successful landing.
On July 21, at 03:40,
...Armstrong carefully opens
the lunar module hatch...
...and then...
he's ready to set his
left foot on the lunar surface.
Right, welcome home, Konrad.
- Welcome...Konrad.
-It's your turn then. Yes, your turn.
So it's your turn again?
-You're out?
We'll have to continue
this another day.
By the way, I'm wondering
if we've ordered enough bananas.
Are you sure you
heard correctly?
So you don't think I
know any Swedish?
Oh, yes, Moe, I expect you
learned that as well over there.
You sure managed to do plenty of
things the 2 days you stayed in Smaaland.
When are Blomdal
and Vernon coming?
-I already told you, "as soon as possible."
-As soon as possible?
Yeees, as soon as possible.
By the way, they said they'd
bring that kitchen machine.
I see.
Good thing we chose a Braun.
It's strange that Standard
doesn't make such melke, milke...
-Oh, milkshake!
-The kitchen machine, that is...
I wonder whether they've
gotten their car fixed.
Yeah, you can say that again.
I mean, it was quite a crash.
What a terrible sight that was.
Vernon, in particular.
Yes, it was rather awful.
Vernon is made of tough stuff.
Well, I wouldn't
exactly say that.
-Oh, yes.
-No way.
He hasn't driven his own car
since old Blomdal was alive.
Last year Blomdal and Vernon
almost won the football pools
Keep going.
A bit more.
Close call. -Yes, but always
remember to use the choke.
Ok , get out now.
-Sure thing.
Also, go easy on the choke.
Otherwise, you won't get any traction.
Good morning, Vernon.
But are you able to carry anything
with all that stuff stuck to your head?
Good morning, Moe.
I manage just fine, don't worry.
It sure looks heavy.
There you go.
-Got anything else for me?
-Yes, bananas.
Right, the bananas.
-Hello, Moe.
-Hello, Blomdal.
So you two have visitors.
All the way from Sweden, I gather.
A relative?
Pretty close relations as well.
Will he be staying long then?
Vernon! Just keep on unloading.
- Ok, come on.
Next one.
-That's fine.
Even more bananas!
Ok, we're done.
Come inside, Vernon!
The garage didn't manage
to fix the car this week either.
Anyhow, as long as
Vernon's Saab still works...
Damn this itch!
So how's your
competitor doing, Blomdal?
The foreigner, you mean?
-Well, you see...
yesterday he put up
a new sign...
-Again? beautiful hand writing as usual.
And do you know what it said?
''Damn cheap Kneipp
bread today!''
You just don't write that!
''Damn cheap Kneipp bread''.
Top of the morning, boys!
We need to get things started.
Here's the syrup.
-Syrup, yes.
Reindeer meat balls
- Joika brand.
Let's see, next up
is lobscouse.
- Captain's biscuits.
-Captain's biscuits.
-Next, cod liver oil capsules.
Cod liver oil capsules?
I thought you could do
with something extra.
I mean, now that
you have visitors and all.
Thanks a lot.
Very kind of you.
I guess you have enough
bananas to last you a while now.
That's for sure.
Is that him?
About the kitchen machine then?
Oh fuck, I almost
forgot about that.
Can you bring us the
kitchen machine in the car?
Let's see. Popcorn deluxe.
Use a big saucepan with a lid
or an electric popcorn popper...
Well, you don't have
the latter so...
Hi, guys.
-Here you go.
-Vernon, aren't you coming?
I'll be right there.
Oh, well, now the peace
and quiet's coming to an end.
Did you bring the balloon?
Let's see. Your bottle of liquor.
And here's the balloon.
Check this out.
Special pants. They never wrinkle.
Wow, lovely!
Gee whiz!
-I'll see about setting up the net.
It must have hurt like hell...
getting that rig attached
to your head.
Well, I did get
a shot...
or possibly even two.
I don't remember it too clearly.
That's quite fast.
So the bananas
actually go inside here.
It's your turn to choose, Vernon.
Ok, then I say:
Types of bread
Right then, types of bread.
- Whole-grain bread.
Brown bread.
Seed bread.
White bread.
Wheat bread.
Christmas bread.
Wort bread.
Kneipp bread.
Extra kneipp.
There's no such thing
as extra kneipp.
In that case,
I say "bicycles".
Gsta Berling.
That one is Swedish, actually.
Then I say: Wasa buggy.
There's no bicycle by that name.
Oh yes, there is.
It's a long-established bicycle brand.
Watch this. You just
push this button here and...
Do you have any
more sugar cubes?
Are you kidding me?
Have you really eaten them all?
What's the matter, Vernon?
It's a bit loose.
But you're bleeding!
Yes, they told me
I would be bleeding somewhat.
Sit down for a while.
Gee, you really
are bleeding.
Does it hurt?
-Yes, a bit.
Oh, Vernon,
you really are bleeding.
Oh, well, it's just some blood.
Why do you insist on
doing that nonsense?
You know full well
you need to be careful.
Come on!
We are leaving!
But...wait up.
Get a move on, Vernon!
I'll be ok, I guess.
You close
the door then.
-You do realize
that you cannot play
that balloon game... long as Vernon goes
around with that head rig!
I agree.
Anyway, I'm sure that...
...Vernon won't be working
at the store anymore
when junior takes
over the business.
What other job could he do then?
Him? He's a jack of all trades.
-Pa! Konrad is awake.
Konrad's awake!
So, let's see now...
There...Then the bananas, right.
It won't peel...there!
It sure works a treat.
I wonder how much
electricity it's consuming.
I wonder whether it
has to be greased?
A milkshake machine?
But isn't it
a kitchen machine then?
I can't get the lid off.
That's it.
Yes, yes,
I'm on my way.
He's so impatient.
-What weird stuff this is.
Anything left in there now?
Yes, there's some all the
way to the back, you see.
Yes, that'll have to do.
Let's hang this here.
Tomorrow Cylindia Voelund is coming.
-And Jim.
Good thing that we have
sanded the road.
Was the father of
Cylindia Voelund Danish?
No, he was more of a German.
Anyhow, tomorrow
she'll be here.
- And Jim.
Good thing that we have
bought rice for making porridge.
By the way, Blomdal junior
told me that...that
...the only thing Jim inherited
from that rich American aunt of his...
was a big box of cinnamon.
And Blomdal also told me that...
-Yes, of course.
You see, he told me
Jim was abused as a kid.
-Good Heavens! Child molestation?
that's what it amounts to.
You see, he said that
...his dad had strangled him! And then
he resuscitated him - all as punishment.
-So he killed him?
-Yes, one might say that.
Holy cow!
Are we really out of sugar?
You already know that.
-Not even sugar cubes?
Blomdal gorged himself on it as usual.
Yes, I can picture it.
When are you going
to fasten that clothes hook?
Can't you see I'm playing solitaire?
Cylindia Voelund is here soon.
-Well, I'm getting some more coal.
-Yes, you do that.
Ok, that's done.
Well, I'm going down
to the cellar.
-Very well, you do that.
I don't understand why
the dirt always collects under here.
What are you guys up to?
Now I'll have to clean
here this time as well.
I'll put on some music then.
Jim has asked Cylindia Voelund
out tonight
I think Jim's porridge is done!
Yes, I'm on
my way.
Here's your porridge.
I guess he has brought his own cinnamon.
Moe, you mustn't dress so
lightly when you go outside.
Jim, I put the cinnamon
where the spare wheel is.
What about the spare wheel then?
I had to remove that.
I'm almost done now.
-Hurry up!
-Would you like some more porridge, Jim?
-Hell no!
Come take the vacuum cleaner.
Aw man, what's happened to you?
-It's nothing.
Your mouth is bleeding.
Why didn't you top the
porridge with cinnamon?
Jim. I'll be out in a minute.
Thank you very much.
Oh, I almost forgot
about the lottery ticket.
Bye then, Konrad!
But we always buy two of
those special tickets?
But they stopped selling
those a long time ago.
Are you going to ask the
same questions every single time?
Don't argue, boys.
Yes, about the payment.
Here's 100 from me...
-And 100 from me.
Thanks, the both you
No, I'll carry that.
Bye then.
Today I really need to talk to
the postman about our retirement benefits.
Yes. Please don't forget
about the magazines either.
Would you be so kind as to give
Konrad some milkshake if he knocks?
There's some pre-made
milkshake in the fridge.
That's real good of you.
What nice eggs you
have there... Konrad.
Do you understand what I say?
I mean, it's not easy knowing
how much you really understand.
You not being from
these parts, I mean.
That foreigner who opened
a store next to Blomdal junior
...well, he...
...he is a pretty decent
fellow, you know...
but his Norwegian was so poor
that everyone made
fun of all the signs he put up.
It's just him in that store.
And he has no bathrooom
there either,... every time he needed
to go, he had to cross the road
down from where he lives.
And then he'd put up a sign that read:
''I'm back suddenly.''
How about that!
Just you keep sitting there, Hen!
Give me my milkshake, Mo-e!
That's the one done, Konrad.
Let's have a look at the other, too.
Aha, cuckoo!
What's this then?
"From Pa?"
Finishing out?
Strange that he isn't asking
for his milkshake.
What have you done to Konrad's eggs?
-Yes, you!
At the very least you
can do the dishes then!
Is she...dead?
Is he to
I see.
The priest wants to speak with you.
-With me?
-Yes, with you.
God bless you, Moe.
Bless me?
Good morning. We're back with an hour
of entertainment that should appeal to all.
I'm reading in one of today's
morning papers that Operation Firewood... under full way. It mostly involves pensioners,
who are chopping wood, packing it in sacks,
and then bringing it to old people
who live in cold and drafty apartments.
So let's say hip hooray
for all fit pensioners
who are helping those
who aren't quite as fit...
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