Eight Crazy Nights (2002) Movie Script

Well, all right. Look at all that
beautiful, white stuff come down.
Christmas is right around the corner...
... And Hanukkah starts tonight.
Ain't a better time of year.
You got no school, you can eat
like a pig and people give you stuff.
Just makes you feel tingly all over.
But you know what?
There are some buffoons out there who
actually can't stand the holiday season.
And seeing other people
enjoy the festivities...
... Gets them even more disgusted.
In fact, the head honcho of holiday
... Lives right here in little old dukesberry.
His name's Davey Stone.
That fool's in the China dragon...
... Coming up with his own way
of feeling tingly all over.
Four scorpion bowl in five minute?
That's got to be a restaurant record.
Well, right now I'm going to go for
another restaurant record: Longest burp.
Congratulations. Now, please excuse me
while I go take shower.
At one time, Davey was a super student,
super athlete...
... Super sweet, super kid and the apple
of his parents' eye.
Now, he's just a 33-year-old,
crazy Jewish guy...
... Who lives for making this town
as miserable as he is...
... Especially on the first night
of Hanukkah.
How'd he end up this way?
Let's save that for later...
... Because right now, Davey's about to
get himself into some serious trouble.
Hope you're not planning on driving
tonight, Stone.
No, officer. I'm just going to say
good night to my car...
Then walk home and enjoy
the holiday decorations.
Listen, sweetheart. I have to leave you
here alone tonight...
But don't you worry, I'll be back
first thing in the morning.
Now, behave yourself,
and don't stay up too late.
All right, baby. But let's make this quick.
Oh, mama!
You like it when I hold you like this?
Because I'll do it all night long.
So sweet.
Yes, so precious.
I love you, car.
He dine and dash me! He chew and
screw me! He sip and skip me!
- What?
- He no pay for his four scorpion bowl.
Oh, boy.
Get him.
Come back here, you jerk!
Somebody stop that guy!
I'm the kind of guy who can't stand
a holiday
so I drink them all away, that's me
i don't decorate no trees
and I won't eat no potato latkes
but I'll give this old lady's melons
a squeeze
that's just who I am
well, I'll never spin a dreidel,
but I'll always throw an egg
and I'll Charley horse your leg for laughs
while you're singing your holiday tunes
I'm acting like the town buffoon
whipping out my big, white, scary moon
and blowing a beef your way
i hate folks who think reindeer are cute
to me they're just something to shoot
i hate love
i hate you
i hate me
well, I'm a snowmobile-stealing
no 'tis-the-season-feeling kind of guy
this time of year sucks
so I take my nunchaks
and make sure every snowman dies
believing in Santa's all wrong
and Hanukkah's eight nights too long
i hate love
i hate you
i hate me
coming through.
I hate love
i hate you
i hate me
Davey Stone, you're nothing
but a delinquent!
Stone, what the heck are we
going to do with you?
I've sent you to reform school, the drunk
tank, the local psychiatric ward.
Not one of those places has made you
change an ounce for the better.
You used to be a good kid...
Playing ball for the Jewish community
centre, with the best jump shot ever seen.
Your honor, I still got a pretty good
jump shot. Let me show you.
I'd hit a 3-pointer, but I'd
have to drop my pants...
And pop a thumb up my boo-boo.
You leave me no choice. I'll really
have to crack down hard this time.
Your honor, if it pleases the court,
I'd like to interject for a moment.
What the hell was that? Did anybody else
hear a parakeet, or am I going crazy?
No, Mr. Chang. It's me, Whitey Duval.
And a happy first night of Hanukkah
to you.
I'm not Jewish.
Neither am I, but that don't stop me
from enjoying a holiday.
Whitey, we went over this
two months ago.
It's your last year of reffing
the youth league basketball.
You're turning 70 years old...
And our insurance company says
they won't cover you anymore.
No, no, no.
My interjection pertains to the case
currently under adjudication.
You see, I knew this young man
years ago...
When his moral fiber was still intact.
What are you getting at?
Why not sentence him to be a
referee-in-training for youth basketball?
I've seen some pretty rowdy kids
turn into perfect gentlemen...
After spending time on my court.
If that happened with Stone,
it would be a miracle.
It's the holidays. Things like that have
been known to happen this time of year.
Whitey, if you want to work with
this punk, then God bless you.
But Mr. Stone, what Whitey says goes.
And if I hear that you break one law...
I'll send you to the state
penitentiary for no less than 10 years.
Happy holidays.
Oh, God.
The short man who's kind
and the donkey's behind.
What a bizarre match up.
Good luck, Whitey. You'll need it.
Okay, let's give the little guy
some support.
Did I just see two persian cats
on your ass?
I think I'm going to barf.
Your horn works, try the lights.
One. Two.
Good to see you still got circus feet.
Men's 11 right foot, children's
9 left foot...
At your service.
Now, I assume you've done
your pre-game stretching.
No, let me do it right now.
One. Two. Three.
Four. Five. Six.
Okay. That's good, but don't forget
your hammies.
Of course Whitey wouldn't understand
what getting flipped off means.
He's so behind the times,
he thinks Viagra's a big waterfall.
But there is one thing he knows.
The voting has begun for the highest
honor anyone in town could receive.
I think it's gonna be your year, Whitey.
I really do.
Whoa. Don't even think of coming
on this floor with those hard soles, pally.
Fine, I'll just ref in my socks.
Must be game time.
Don't let him push your buttons, whitey.
What are you waiting for?
- Come on. Dribble!
- Hurry up!
What, no whistle on that one, ref?
Foul on this kid for eating
everything in sight.
Jelly jugs, next time you come on
my court, you better wear a bra. Okay?
He was just kidding, son.
You've got very nice boobs.
- Jerk!
- Idiot!
You don't like that? How about you
throw something at me. I dare you.
With pleasure!
They're scratching up my floor.
Here comes a seizure.
This will pass in a second, kids.
Don't be scared.
Is he break dancing?
Okay, that's it. Game over.
Nobody wants to see an old man die.
Fatty's team loses because
I want to see him cry again.
I want to talk to you in my office.
Why the hell are we at the mall?
You need to clean your brain out.
And to me, the mall is the best place
to do that.
What's good about this place?
What's good about it? Everything.
You want a pair of socks?
My buddy, Mr. foot locker,
will warm your feet.
You need a fancy doodad?
Hello, sharper lmage. Thanks for the
combination pogo sticklclock radio.
I mean, the body shop, the tie rack...
Gnc, radioshack...
Petland for a cat or two,
Spencer's gifts for some fake dog doo...
Sbarro's, dunkin' donuts,
they're simply the best.
And don't forget the orange
chicken at panda express.
But if you're short of cash
like little old me...
The window shopping's always free.
Did you prepare that or did you rhyme
that many times in a row by accident?
Yeah, that was weird, wasn't it?
Maybe you are a leprechaun.
Let's just get some snacks and chat.
Aren't you a boy?
Now, I'd like to make this work out.
But in order to do so, you're
going to have to learn...
That youth basketball ain't about you
and your lack of respect for others.
It's about the kids and teaching them
responsibility and teamwork.
I've been doing my part for 35 years.
Are you ready to join me, big guy?
Joke's on you, tough guy. I can't read.
Special delivery for Whitey duvall,
sugar-free doughnuts.
Every day she does this for me.
Jennifer, you're too much.
My fraternal twin sister's a diabetic...
And out of respect for her and her
disease, I don't eat sugar products.
There's a surprise in there you'll like.
Don't tell me it's bavarian cream-filled.
It is bavarian cream-filled!
These babies make my taste buds
do double daffies, for gosh sakes.
Why are you hiding over there?
It's okay, sweetheart. Talk to Whitey.
Hi, Whitey. I got another chanukah
present tonight.
Wow, Benjamin, an etch a sketch.
Not too shabby.
That's a game boy, you idiot.
Sorry, I'm not up
on modern technology.
But I guess my friend Davey is.
Why don't you tell him what else you got.
First night, I got a basketball
and some dreidels.
Night two, I got a pup tent for camping
in the backyard.
And tonight, I got this.
Wow. Maybe on night four the Hanukkah
monster will take a big crap on your bed.
Thanks for sharing the holiday spirit,
Come and help me clean the muffin trays.
- Bye, Whitey.
- See you at the game tomorrow.
Your girlfriend's backyard
isn't sugar-free. That baby looks sweet.
Technical foul! Technical foul!
That's a lady, and you will not
speak about her that way!
She's going through a tough time now.
Last spring, her husband of 13 years
ups and leaves her...
For a woman he met on the computer.
She had the courage to move back a
month ago to try and raise her boy alone.
So she's available?
You wish, Mac. You blew your shot
with her 20 years ago.
Twenty years?
Was that Jennifer Friedman?
I'm surprised you have enough brain cells
left to remember.
Hey, Jennifer, you still coming over to
watch Dukes of Hazzard after the game?
That's a big 10-4, Davey.
Hey, Davey.
Smile! Your mom wants to take a picture.
Thanks, honey.
If my parents fall asleep early,
I'll show you my basement.
Keep dreaming.
They make a nice couple
I don't know when you were goofier,
then or now.
Good evening, mayor stuey duhy.
Out for some late-night shopping?
Yeah. Then I have to figure out how to
rebuild our giant menorah and Santa.
Thanks for ruining the ice pageant again,
I didn't do it for you.
I did it for the ladies.
Yeah, right.
Has there been talk about who the lucky
patch recipient may be this year or?
That's up to who the town votes for.
Could be you or me or anybody.
All right, I'm going to get going now.
Happy holidays, your excellence.
Good night, mayor! And the answer
to your question is Spencer's gifts.
They definitely have furry underwear.
You're gross.
Is it just me, or did you notice
when he said, "it could be you"...
There was a certain sincerity
in his voice, or?
You actually give a crap
about winning a patch?
It's only the most prestigious award
given out at the all-star banquet.
Can you imagine?
Won't you dance with me
at the annual all-star banquet?
We'll be so fancy-free
at the annual all-star banquet
everyone in town will be looking
their best
even Mrs. selman with her one
extra breast
it's the kind of a night when your
feet match
when you feel nearly 5-foot-3!
They'll laugh and they'll dance
and they'll pee in their pants
'cause there's a patch at the
all-star banquet waiting for me
can you take me home now?
Well, that was nice of Davey to snap
Whitey out of his little dream.
All that song was saying
was the patch means the world to Whitey.
He'd rather be remembered
for his hard work...
... Not for the fact that he had the
hairiest buns in the locker room.
Can you blame him?
How's that peanut brittle?
Crunchy and delicious.
Funny, I don't remember Denise
or Janice ringing up a purchase for you.
I guess that means I stole it.
Easy, seizure-boy!
That's it. I'm calling the judge.
Go ahead. I'll be on the first bus out.
I ain't spending 10 years in prison.
Maybe I'll just take you in myself.
Don't think you can intimidate me
just because of my size.
Why? You're smaller than me?
I didn't notice that.
Put me down! Put me down!
And get out of my car right now!
Oh, no. You're going to make me walk
10 feet? Because that's where I live, idiot!
Thanks for the ride, patchy.
It was great patching with you.
And I guess I'll patch you later.
I'm letting this one go, Stone.
But next screw-up, it's slammer time.
Got any sand or rock salt in there?
I need to get some traction.
"Got any sand or rock salt in there?
'Cause I need to get some..."
Oh, shut up!
He could've at least given me a push
or something.
- Closing, channel 36 would
like to wish all of its Jewish viewers...
... The very happiest of Hanukkahs.
A little help, fellas?
One. Two. Three!
Have a holly, jolly one, guys.
Doesn't it make you feel good...
... When you see a group of deer
helping a motorist in need?
But I bet Whitey wishes they showed up
... Because his sister, Eleanor,
gets a little edgy when he's late.
Whitey, where were you?
You're an hour and 51 minutes late.
I already called the morgue.
They said you weren't there,
but to try back later.
I had an interesting talk
with the mayor tonight.
The mayor? Was it about the ruffians
who stole my Liz Taylor wig?
Eleanor, that was 45 years ago.
I'm still shaking from it.
Anyways, the mayor seems to think
there's a chance...
I might receive the patch this year.
Oh, boy. Let's just soak our feet, brother.
First position. Second position.
See you later, smell.
Just don't get your hopes up too high
about the patch.
I can handle myself, Eleanor. Trust me.
When you have enough lights to make
your house look like the Vegas strip...
... You'll have a big electric bill.
And being a volunteer referee
for the youth basketball league...
... Doesn't exactly get you
in the fortune 500.
So old Whitey's up bright and early every
day, searching the town for odd jobs...
... To help make ends meet
for him and eleanore.
How's that, fellas?!
It's crooked, shorty. Move it to the right.
You got it.
Well, will you look at that.
It's a jackass-in-the-box.
Let's go get some coffee.
Anything else I can do for you guys?
If you clean out the crappers,
I'll give you a buck.
Consider it done.
Nice doing business with you.
That's what happens
when you hit the bottle.
You go to sleep in dukesberry,
you wake up in pukesberry.
Hey. What are you do..? No!
The worst has happened.
I'm covered in human faeces.
That's a good look for you. But for
health reasons, I should spray you off.
Smell you later, poopsicle.
You're a f ricking degenerate.
I know I am.
A little help, please.
Your tongues tickle.
They tickle.
You are right. That was gross.
Thumbelina, there's no kids playing.
Why'd you tell me to come?
I thought you could use a refresher
course on b-ball rules and regulations.
- You're nuts. I'm going to go pound a few.
- First of all, you booze, you lose.
And secondly, if you don't turn around...
Officer sherman over there'll know of
the infamous peanut brittle incident.
What's with the dunkin' munchkin?
His mom had to do a double shift so I'm
watching him till she can get here.
Now, both of you cop a squat next to me
and let's observe.
Take it! Take it!
Charging! Our ball.
See, that wasn't a charge.
It was actually blocking.
The defender didn't have both feet
planted in time.
Oh, really? Because I thought
that was high-sticking.
Don't encourage him, Benjamin. He's
just upset because he can't play no more.
Twenty years of drinking destroyed
the basketball lobe of his brain.
I can whup any of those clowns
out there even with you as my partner.
I'd like to see that.
I'd like to see that right now.
He was just kidding, fellas.
Whole lot of jibber jabber.
We got no beef with you guys.
Because if a midget and a drunk
can beat us, I'd eat my own jockstrap.
No, he don't play ball anymore.
I'll play. But if we win, you got to eat
that guy's jockstrap.
First to five wins. We're shirts.
Oh, boy. Does that mean we're skins?
I don't see any skin, monkey-man.
Just pass me the ball.
All right, fuzzy wuzzy.
All right, simmer down, Whitey.
Don't travel. Don't double dribble.
I want a good, clean game
and no back talk.
Orangutan, you're playing, not reffing.
He's right. Look for your opening
and take it.
There it is!
Now set yourself and shoot.
Oh, no.
Are you finally dead, old man?
I'll be over to feed the cats
in the morning...
Mrs. Addison.
Okay, he's useless.
One more thing.
Good kitty. Nice kitty.
Muffin boy, what's your real name?
You're in. Let's go.
You're trading in the midget for a spaz?
This is going to be even sadder.
We'll see. Your ball.
I'm not very good.
That's all right. Just try to stay
confident, and if I say shoot it, shoot it.
Game on.
He may be big, but he's ugly, Benny.
Good luck, chump.
- I'll take that.
- Hey!
Put it up.
Coming through!
That's all right, just keep your
elbow in. Now stick it, kid.
Looks like you better
start showing the spaz some respect.
Just keep playing.
Where am I going, baby?
Where am I going? Oh, snap. Oh, snap.
- Trap him.
- I'm on it.
It's all you, buddy.
I hope you all like your jockstraps
extra sweaty.
One. Two.
- You wanna win this or not?
- Yeah.
Well, then cover the nerd.
The saga continues.
Not this time, little man.
Hey, look what I still got.
Yeah, good coverage.
What a shot.
I call that the
top-of-the-key-eat-the-jockstrap shot.
Hold it now. Hold it now.
Where's it going now?
How's he doing that?
Oh, boy.
Put it up, Ben.
Got a piece!
Bam! Got a piece of my ass.
Shut up!
One more basket and it's chow time,
Let's bring it home.
You're my boy, Benny.
Whoa, little lverson.
- Double up on Stone!
- You got it!
Put it up, Benny.
What's happening?
- No!
- Oh, Benny!
You gotta be kidding me!
Now say what I told you to say.
Eat that nut-strap, bitch!
Don't ever use that kind of language
again. Do you hear me?
I'm sorry.
He's just having some fun.
Cursing and acting like a jerk may be
your idea of fun, but it won't be his.
One Davey Stone around here is enough.
My finger's in your mouth, kitty...
But I don't feel no teeth.
Let's go, Benjamin.
Why are you eating that?
You know, my mother doesn't like you
very much.
You know, I don't like me
very much either.
Nice playing with you, mini-Shaq.
Why was she looking at me like that?
How could they let that guy
work with kids?
Giving me those nasty eyes.
I was being nice to her kid.
They should have locked him up for good.
At least she was looking at me.
That felt all right.
Why can't he just be like he used to be?
It all seems so long ago
young and happy don't you know
down by the creek I would show
fireflies to that girl
but that was back when he was nice
before my warm heart turned to ice
my sister's wig once had lice
but that was long ago
the schoolyard's where we were
the first time I kissed her
he thought he got some tongue
but it was only retainer
Eleanor's bra is a trainer
well, over there's my family home
and the woods we used to roam
the only time I had sex was on the phone
but that was long ago
i carved our names upon that tree
i loved him and he loved me
my darling wife was once a he
but that was long ago
he'd always whisper in my ear
but then I started drinking beer
my jewels got licked by six frisky deer
now he's just a loner and a liar
and my trailer's caught on fire
Oh, my God!
Be careful!
Maybe it's some kind of sign.
After all, Hanukkah is the festival
of lights.
I should stick you on a twig and roast
Just get back in my car. You'll stay
with me and my sister for a while.
I ain't living with you buffoons.
What other options do you got,
Mr. rockefeller?
- Hello?
- Hi, is Ophelia there?
- Ophelia who?
- Ophelia hiney.
Oh, feel my hiney?
You hoodlums better bring my wig back!
I know it was you!
It's a home-invasion robbery!
Take whatever you want, but please
don't chop my legs off!
It's okay, Eleanor, it's okay.
Whitey, thank God you're here. We're
being robbed by a lunatic.
Mister, if you're going to kill us, take
off your wet shoes.
They're soaking the carpet.
Eleanor, that's Davey Stone, my new
The criminal?! Did he force you to
bring him here so he could molest you?
His home just went up in flames. So I
invited him to stay with us for a while.
Okay, but I'm making an inventory...
Of every single item in this house.
Look! He already stole something.
He's hiding it in his jacket.
I didn't steal this.
It's a card my parents gave me.
So why don't you go stay with them?
They died.
My bad.
Here's to you guys for letting me
crash over.
Alcohol in our house?
This is never going to work.
It will. We just need to set some rules
so Davey knows how we do things here.
I'm scared.
Look. You gotta understand it's just
been me and Eleanor for 67 years...
So she gets nervous around
I wouldn't show that picture to anyone...
Or they may try to take you two back
to the laboratory.
Listen. We got rules in this house...
And you better follow them or you'll
find yourself out of here.
This might be harder than I thought.
If you're coming from the street
with dirty shoes on your feet
that's a technical foul
if you switch the radio to some
"modern" music show
that's a technical foul
if you don't shut the door
after using the 'frigerator
that's a technical foul
a technical foul
if you touch the thermostat
you'll get hit with a bat
'cause that's a technical foul
you will feel my wrath
- if your hair clogs the drain
- you'll know the meaning of pain
'cause that's a technical foul
I'll show you no mercy
ho! This is such bullshit
in this house we say "bullspit"
or it's a technical foul
a technical foul
let me get this straight. You expect me
to change my lifestyle in one night...
Because you guys are a couple of
psychotic control freaks?
- You got it, bub.
- Or you can go rot in the gutter.
- It's up to you, yankee doodle.
- I don't want to do that...
But let me run a few questions by you
so I don't screw up accidentally.
If I don't spray lysol
after moving a bowel?
That's a technical foul
if I decide to wash my ass
with your monogrammed towel?
- That's a technical foul
- please, say "hiney."
If I make fun of your crazy feeties
or give sugar cookies to miss diabetes
that's not only a technical foul
but possibly a homicide
can I sleep past 3?
If you do, you'll get a t
- take a whiz in those flowers?
- I'll say, "hit the showers"
- u se this horn as a bong?
- Adis, Tommy Chong
make some long-distance calls?
You'll get a kick in the balls
Can I walk around with
my morning erection?
If you want an automatic ejection
'cause that's a technical foul
but I'd like to see it anyway
just kidding.
There are certain rules
which apply in one's life
with your sister, friends
or imaginary wife
i can't believe I haven't killed myself
here with wigs McGee and the furry elf
they took my wig
i remember the look in their eyes
i guess I'll have to deal
with your demands
but please don't touch me
with your alien hands
i got no right to growl
the whistle, she's on the prowl
without my wig, I look like an owl
hoo! Hoo!
- Oh, my God.
- Don't laugh at her.
Or it's a technical foul
a technical foul
a technical foul
Davey will have to make the best of this.
- I guess I got to make the best of this.
- See. I told you.
But that shouldn't be too hard for him.
Even loners need company sometimes.
Shaving the chest.
Nobody needs a uni-brow.
This is going to scare her silly.
Yeah, it is.
Peanuts for me?
- Wish we were taller, Eleanor?
- I can't reach the cobwebs.
- Thank you, Davey.
- No problem, Eleanor.
Good one, Eleanor.
- Here you go.
- Thanks. Have a good day.
Good luck, old man.
Now I can understand wrapping
the cornmeal around the hot dog...
But why the heck would they shove
this stick in here?
I'm getting exhausted
trying to cut around it.
You're supposed to hold the stick
and just eat the corn dog off of it.
How futuristic.
Oh, my God.
Zip up or you'll catch a throat cold.
Thank you.
Hey, Benny!
Nice game against Saint Catherine's
today. How many buckets you score?
You're gonna be league-high scorer, kid.
You just got to keep your elbows in.
That's my man.
Hey, you two, just doing circles.
I haven't done that in a while.
Maybe I'm so excited about the banquet
tonight, it's giving me extra oomph.
You'll extra-oomph yourself right into
another seizure if you don't calm down.
He'll be all right. How'd you get
so good on the ice, anyways?
In the '50s I reffed youth hockey
for a couple of seasons.
Until a wrist shot caught him in the
back of the skull.
Nothing a little metal plate couldn't fix.
He was in a coma for three months.
I needed the rest anyway.
Could I get a lift from you, partner?
So, Davey, did you play the hockey
when you were a child?
No, hockey players get up too early.
This guy's sport always was and always
will be basketball.
Back in '81...
He was the star of what is still
known to this very day...
As the jcc miracle game.
Oh, my.
The jcc was down by 24 points.
The bad news is we stand no chance
of winning this game.
The good news is it's Hanukkah,
so you'll all get presents tonight anyway.
Speaking of presents...
Our parents come to all our games
even though we always lose.
So I was thinking...
Maybe tonight we could try to win one
for them. You know, as a gift.
The only way that'll happen is if you
take all the shots.
Well, if you guys don't mind...
- It's okay with us.
- Go for it. You got it.
Let's win!
Where are your parents, anyways?
I don't know. Hopefully, out
getting me an atari.
All right, Davey!
- Come on!
- Let's go!
We'll take that.
Not today.
That kind of shooting makes me
want to do the robot dance.
Nice story. You can stop now.
No, no, go on. Whitey, I'm mesmerized.
Can we just go? I'm cold.
I want to hear what happens next.
It's like a fairy tale.
Unfortunately, this fairy tale
doesn't have a happy ending.
Davey was wondering
where his parents were.
Turns out they were on their way
to the ball game...
... When a truck hit a patch of black ice
and swerved into oncoming traffic.
Mr. and Mrs. Stone tragically
couldn't get out of the way in time.
I couldn't believe something
that horrible...
... Could happen to a kid that nice.
He walked right through that door
and into foster home after foster home...
... Until his 18th birthday.
Oh, my. You poor, poor boy.
What in heaven's name did you do?
Let's just get off of this.
He didn't know how to handle it.
What 12-year-old kid would?
He basically shut down.
Davey, I'm so sorry.
I don't know what to say.
There's nothing to say.
My parents are dead.
Happy Hanukkah.
Now, leave me alone.
That's the saddest story I've ever heard.
I'm out of here.
I don't need this sympathy crap.
Maybe it's time you stop running
from your emotions.
I'm not. I'm running from two crybabies...
Who won't shut up about something
that isn't their business.
You know, I read recently
in reader's digest...
That people who let themselves cry
when they're hurting...
Are often stronger than the people...
Who try to hold all their pain inside.
Did you read about a deformed referee
who spends 35 years...
Trying to win some stupid patch...
So he can pretend people
actually like him?!
Which month was that in?
Take that back.
If they have an award for the
freakiest looking fraternal twins...
Who no one even gives a crap about,
you two are definitely winning.
But that patch thing ain't ever
gonna happen for you...
Because the truth is, nobody
in this town even knows you exist!
You're an animal.
And you're bald!
Not again!
You're not welcome in my house.
Good, your house sucks!
Do you have to be nasty to everyone
who tries to help you?
That's my problem.
He just a no-goodnik.
And I am the real kristi yamaguchi.
Wow. Just when you started to really
like Davey, he has a butthole relapse.
Hey, fellas.
You know, Eleanor really does
look like an owl.
Cheer up, Eleanor.
Let's just get ready for the banquet.
It doesn't hurt to smell nice. Does it,
You're a good deer.
Let's try the red wig. And please,
don't crap on my carpet.
Well, while Whitey and Eleanor
are getting ready for the banquet...
... The moron is having a party of his own.
And when people get in the state
that Davey's in...
... They do really stupid things...
... Like go to a mall that's obviously
... To yell at a woman who's obviously
not there.
Shut up!
What's the matter with the way I live
my life? Huh, Jennifer?!
Where are you?! Home reading
your baby boy a bedtime story...
While he sucks his thumb
and goes pee-pee on his blanket?!
Look who finally showed up.
We've been waiting for you all night.
Who said that?
I said that. Everybody wake up!
This is not a rehearsal.
Numb-nuts is here.
Roger on that. Over.
Let's do this, people.
Just let me put my teeth in.
How do you like your java?
With a shot of whiskey.
Let's try it black instead.
That burns!
Wake up, kids.
Our hot and sour friend is here.
We're coming!
It's about time you got here.
I've been tossing and turning.
I know. I was watching you.
I mean, me too.
What the heck is happening right now?
Something that should have happened
20 years ago.
Time to cry, Davey. Over.
What? Get out of here. I'm leaving.
You can run from Whitey,
but you ain't gonna run from us.
We all heard what happened
at the skating rink today
when Whitey brought up your sad past
you snapped and walked away
well, maybe they're onto something
that you should give a try
go ahead and let it out
and have yourself a cry
let it out, Davey
shut your wooden mugs
let it out, Davey
would you check out her bezugs
you want me to deal with pain
well, "cheers" is what I say
this here stuff just numbs the pain
it don't make it go away
you try to act so tough
but you just live a lie
why don't you show your feminine side
and have yourself a cry
let it out, Davey
I'll pour you down the sink
you gotta do it, Davey
y'all can bite my dink
you labels and logos are wasting
your time making me sit here
'cause nothing you can say or do
will make me shed a tear
he possesses a strong spirit
and won't let down his guard
so now we'll bring in the big gun
his beautiful Hanukkah card
take it, Davey. It might have money in it.
Happy Hanukkah to our wonderful son
you fill our lives
with joy
don't ever change
the way you are
you beautiful
breaking and entering.
I knew you'd screw up eventually, Stone.
- I'm sorry.
- Save your sorries for the judge.
This is embarrassing.
- Come on, guys.
- Okay, sweetheart.
Don't be sad, mom. I can be your date.
You should let me be your date.
I may be dirty and smelly,
but in the dark, I'm just smelly.
Well, thank you, but he asked first.
Oh, my God. Slow down.
Come on. I'm scared.
Hey, why are we stopped now?
What are you doing? What's going on?
Who's out there?
Do we need to call the police?
Don't worry, Eleanor. I promise
you'll have a good time.
All right, brother. Let's go win this thing.
You look like Audrey hepburn if she was
four feet and weighed 300 pounds.
Thank you.
Watch the ice, Eleanor. Don't slip.
It's all good, Whitey.
Eleanor Duval? Is that you?
Why do you want to know?
What can we do you for, bub?
I've been waiting to see your sister
for many years.
Are you the kid who stole my wig?
Yes, I'm Eli wolstan...
And I've always felt bad about being
so thoughtless when I was young.
So I wanted to return this to you.
Thank you.
Feel better?
One more thing.
Now I feel better.
At least this one make me look pretty.
Attention all officers.
Davey Stone is on the loose.
Last bus to New York City now boarding.
Whitey, they were giving out lobster
bibs in the bathroom.
That's not a lobster bib, Eleanor.
That's a germ protector for your tushy.
Okay. Well, I'll use it here.
My hiney is germfree and I love it.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm mayor stuey duhy.
I'd like to welcome you to the
35th annual...
Youth league basketball
all-star banquet.
For those of you celebrating Christmas
tomorrow, merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
For those of you celebrating
the eighth night of Hanukkah...
Happy Hanukkah.
Happy Hanukkah.
Going to the big apple, son?
Business or pleasure?
I see. You're one of them
hippie-dippy fellas.
Everyone knows I like to start
these events with a joke.
But I've been so busy at the hardware
store this year...
I've had no time to think of a great
one. But I thought of this driving here:
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
- Don't you.
- Don't you, who?
Don't you wish I hadn't been so busy
at the hardware store...
And had more time to think
of a great one?
Mom, I didn't get that one.
I don't think anybody did.
People just try to be nice to the mayor.
It's gonna be a good night. Let's get to it.
The award for most impressive growth
goes to a kid who began at 4-foot-2.
He is now about to take the stage
at his current height of 6-foot-5.
Donald Hardy!
Get up here, you beanpole.
Saint lgnatius is number one!
Hopefully that young man's getting
a weed whacker for Christmas.
The mayor is very funny.
Look at Davey, inches
from a clean getaway.
But there's some things you
just aren't meant to get away from.
What the hey?
Whoa! Whoa! Hang in there, Betsy!
We'll make it! Whoa!
Nice driving skills, pal.
That's the strangest thing I've ever seen.
One thumbtack popped all eight
of my back tires.
Okay. I see what you're doing.
Who you talking to? Having one of
them hippie-dippy mushroom flashbacks?
I need to go apologize to someone
before I leave.
I know you hippies don't wear watches,
but it should be fixed in 30 minutes.
I'll see you then.
Run, hippie! Run!
I'm just here to say I'm sorry
to the little guy. I swear.
If I give myself a wedgie
will you believe me then?
Glad we could work that out.
I can't believe I'm in the same room
as the mayor.
I can't believe how many rolls
you put in your purse.
It'll be a nice snack for February.
Ladies and gentlemen, this next award,
the dukesberry all-star patch...
Was created 35 years ago to recognize
people for their tireless work ethic...
Their unparalleled generosity...
And their passion and dedication to
both the league and our fine community.
Your hands are sopping wet.
Don't be so nervous, Whitey.
I'm not nervous. I'm excited.
I've been waiting 35 years
for this night.
- You see something?
- Just some deer doing a pyramid.
Okay, well, let's keep looking.
Good job, fellas.
Hand-picked by you,
the people of our fine town...
I now present the 35th annual...
Dukesberry all-star patch award...
Please let there be a miracle.
Tom baltezor.
Tom, come up here and get this sucker.
Attaboy, Tommy!
We love you, Tommy!
Nobody in this town even knows
you exist!
All you people can bite
my germfree Booty!
Looks like I better do a lot more than
apologize. See you in 10 years, fellas.
When I was a kid playing youth
league ball for Palmer episcopal...
I dreamed of two things:
Learning to make a lay-up with my left
hand and becoming a multi-billionaire.
I think you all know which dream
came true.
Sorry! That one caught me by surprise.
And even though I don't recall scoring a
point during my four seasons of play...
The memories of the fun times
I did have...
Made it very easy for me to purchase
the new digital scoreboard...
For the community centre
earlier this year.
Thanks for the recognition.
- Thanks for the scoreboard!
- Thank you, Tommy!
Excuse me! Can I just say something?
- There he is!
- Stone, what are you doing here?
Getting himself arrested, mayor duhy.
He broke into the mall.
I love it! Your ass busted!
Now you go to jail
and marry big, smelly man.
Stone, you screwed up for the last time.
That 10-year sentence I promised you
starts tonight.
Please, just let me speak for one second.
Are those tears in his eyes?
Let the guy talk!
After all, it is the holidays.
She's right. And then we'll
send him up the river.
Okay, Mrs. triple nipple...
I mean, Mrs. selman.
Go ahead, Mr. Stone. Let's hear
your parting words of wisdom.
I know you people don't like me or
care about my opinion, but here goes.
Tommy, nothing personal, but Whitey
should have won the patch tonight.
You're all crazy for not realizing that.
Why would we give Whitey Duval the
patch? So he could use it as a blanket?
That's the reaction I thought I'd get.
Everyone in this room has been
associated with Whitey
through basketball or the mall
or various odd jobs he does around
town for free or at most a dollar
and I'm guessing 99% of you have
either laughed in Whitey's face
or ruthlessly made fun of his feet or
voice or sister or shortness
when he wasn't looking
but the next time you'd see him, he'd go
out of his way to smile and wave at you
and ask about your mother's operation
because he, unlike us, actually
cares about someone other than himself
the reason I bring this up to you
is because I was the worst offender
of all
my life was simply going nowhere
then a tiny, little man
rushed to my side
he should've gotten a big thank-you
instead he got a port-a-potty ride
i was such a shithead
but he never quit on me
till I told him he was useless
and his sister was freaky
once when we were watching
Sunday football
a fuzzy screen was all that
we could see
Whitey came over with a hanger
and spent the game on top of our tv
and when the lightning struck him
he let out a wicked-loud yell
but we just turned up the volume
and ignored the burning smell
we should all rot in hell
i went to high school with Whitey
as a joke I told him to meet me
at the prom
when he got there I said, "I can't
believe you thought I was serious"
so he ran home crying and slow-danced
with his mom
what a crushing blow to Whitey
i bet you wish you could take it back
how could you all be so mean to Whitey?
Sound to me like you are all on crack
Tonight Whitey was counting on this town
to show that we care
but the first time he really needed us
we weren't there
and on Christmas Eve
and the last night of Hanukkah
it's just not fair
i wonder if that guy
ever wiped his ass with
the wrong hand
I'm so sorry they hurt you, Whitey.
We should go to the mall.
That place always makes me feel better.
But it's closed.
Maybe the night guard
forgot to lock the door again.
Well, if he didn't, we can at
least sit in front of it.
These are desperate times.
Let the door be open.
Please, just give me that.
Thank God.
This is the most beautiful place
I've ever seen.
It's like a sanctuary.
Eleanor, could you just give me a
second to say a few words in private?
Take as much time as you need, Whitey.
Hey, mall, long time no see.
Fourteen hours to be exact.
If you haven't heard by now...
I didn't get that patch I've been
telling you about for all these years.
In fact, I've been kind of kidding myself...
To even think I was in the running.
You see...
The people of dukesberry...
Think I'm nothing but a joke.
So I was kind of thinking...
Maybe I should move to a town
where nobody knows who I am.
At least then they'd have a
reason not to acknowledge me.
I think Eleanor might like Florida...
And I hear they got some pretty
amazing malls there.
You're not going anywhere.
Holy shit, did the mall
just say something?
No, it was me.
What do you want, Stone?
I came to apologize, Whitey.
Well, there's nothing to apologize for,
Stone, because you were right.
Nobody does care about me.
I don't think that's true.
Do you, Mr. mayor?
Whitey, tonight for the first time
in years...
Your partner, Davey Stone, actually
did a good thing for this community.
What he do, steal beer for everyone?
No. He made me see how great Whitey
is and how neglectful we've all been.
That's why I'm here, Whitey.
I'm here to fix a big mistake.
It's your moment, Whitey
you've waited oh, so long
it's your moment, Whitey
we're here to right our wrong
for service to the league and this
community, I proudly present to you...
The 35th annual dukesberry
all-star patch.
But this is tom's.
Mr. Duval, the 35th all-star
patch is now where it belongs.
I can't believe this is happening.
And the 34th!
And the 33rd!
And the 32nd, and the 31st, and the 30th!
- 29th!
- And the 16th!
- And the 28th!
- And the 23rd!
And the 27th!
- Oh, Whitey.
- And the 11th!
- And the 25th!
- And the 18th!
We love you, Whitey!
You stepped up for me, Stone.
I don't know if I could ever repay you.
Well, you can help me with my dream.
You got a dream? What is it?
To have someone wish me
a happy Hanukkah...
And feel as good as I used to
when my dad would say it to me.
Happy Hanukkah, Stone.
Merry Christmas, Whitey.
You know, Stone, if my imaginary wife
and I ever have a son...
I hope you consider him a brother.
Thanks, Whitey. And I'll pretend
I never heard you say that.
Appreciate it.
It's your moment, Whitey
- enjoy, our tiny friend
- thank you. Thank you.
Like the bavarian cream-filled donut
you ate last week
thank you. Thank you.
Would you three show Whitey and I...
How to light the Hanukkah candles
at our house tonight?
You up for that, pal?
And when Benjamin falls asleep...
The both of you can play
spin the dreidel for tongue kisses.
Sounds good to me.
Now, go live happily ever after or I'll
dropkick the teeth out of your mouth.
That won't be necessary.
They make a nice couple.
I never
want this to end
don't worry, folks. Whitey's okay.
This is the happiest seizure of my life.