Electra Woman and Dyna Girl (2016) Movie Script

Stop. Please, please.
Looks like you just punched
your ticket out of here.
Major Vaunt.
Thanks, Major Vaunt.
Don't just thank me,
thank ENRG Power Drink.
ENRG Power Drink
does not recommend...
JUDE: I agree.
The amount of sweat a panty
liner can hold is miraculous.
Major Vaunt is the new face
of ENRG Power Drink.
What a sellout.
Ever tasted that stuff?
My own sweat?
You know,
it's not something
I really talk about publicly,
I'm talking
about the power drink.
It's disgusting.
It tastes like burnt hair.
Hey, losers.
Leave us alone, Bernice.
It smells like failed dreams
in here.
And now it smells
like dried tears and Tumblr.
Shouldn't you be off somewhere
supposedly being superheroes?
Shouldn't you be off
tempting someone
with an apple?
It's been a slow day.
What's up?
Tenth graders have to do
stupid career week reports
for stupid
business economics.
And since my parents
are no longer breathing
and my foster parents would
list their current occupation
as government teat suckers,
I have come to interview
you two losers for my report.
That's got peanut butter
in it.
So unless you have
your EPI handy, I'd drop it.
Oh, you know what,
on second thought,
eat all of them.
Are you on Snapchat?
Because you're a huge dick.
I don't get that,
but I know I should be mad.
It's because you're old.
What are you hmming about?
They're talking about Starletta
on Megaline.com.
Yeah. Whoa.
"Midwest indie
super-darling Starletta
"receives key to city
within hours of signing
"with major Los Angeles
superhero agency CMM,
Creative Masked Management."
I mean, that's not really
a big deal, you know.
Yeah, I can see
that this gets you upset.
I just wanna finish
reading this.
I don't think
you need to read this.
They're just signing anyone now,
aren't they?
I'm sure you get tired of being
asked this all the time at home,
but why are you still here?
You do realize you two
are the saddest excuses
for superheroes there are,
I mean, you guys
don't even have superpowers.
What kind of superhero
doesn't have superpowers?
I wish your dad
just put you in a tissue.
Okay, listen,
young, impressionable Bernice.
You don't need superpowers
to be a superhero.
A superhero without superpowers
is super pathetic.
I appreciate your wordplay,
but some of the heroes
in the Shadow War
didn't have superpowers.
Shadow War?
Oh, sweet mother of Busey,
how do you not know
about the Shadow War?
What are they teaching you
in school?
they teach me important things.
Oh, my God.
The Shadow War
was the ultimate battle
between superheroes
and super villains.
Legendary heroes
lost their lives
to protect innocent civilians
like you.
Like you.
And after years of warfare,
the heroes triumphed
and managed to rid
the entire world
of super villains.
It's a pretty important
It's a very important thing,
It's a very
important thing.
I get it.
So losing
all of the super villains
is what downgraded
to be nothing more
but glorified mall cops.
Tsk. Cool.
Listen to me very carefully,
I would never,
never hit a kid.
But I will aggressively punch
this tasteful throw pillow
that it's your face.
Tasteful is a stretch.
Oh, my God!
Okay, come on Bernice.
Go home.
What about my report?
Maybe you should do your report
on the Shadow War.
They say those who don't know
history are doomed to repeat it.
You know what they say
about repeating outfits.
Okay, thank you. Bye-bye.
I think we need to invest
in a lock.
I'm just--
I've been thinking
about how Starletta
always has her boobs out.
I, too,
sometimes think about that.
I'm frustrated
because she gets the attention
that we should be getting.
Is it because of her boobs?
It's not.
I know it's not.
She's probably very nice.
Boobs don't save lives,
we save lives.
We've saved lives.
We've saved lives for years.
We protect innocent people,
and no one seems to notice us.
I'm sure people notice us.
We wear very flamboyant
Okay, all right. Well,
It sounds to me like somebody
has a dangerous combination
of low self-esteem
and low blood sugar.
Make a pit stop.
I'll get you a slushy.
I'm gonna put Fritos
in mine.
And I will silently gag
to myself.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
But also I've gotta admit
that Starletta is gorgeous.
She sucks.
Yeah, she sucks a di--
I didn't say anything.
should be reporting on us,
because we do great work,
but they don't.
It's not the end of the world.
We're treated
like we're not superheroes.
Are you seriously taking
what Bernice said to heart?
She's just a baby.
Electra Woman and Dyna Girl.
Hey, Lenny.
How are my favorite
superheroes doing?
Best day of my whole life,
That's a bit of an exaggeration.
Look, she has a point.
We don't have powers.
What makes us superheroes?
Some of our biggest heroes were
super without having powers.
A million years ago.
Oh, my God.
There is so much more
to being a superhero
than having powers
and you know that.
And, as you mentioned,
we've done a damn good job
keeping this town safe.
You should be proud.
Give me all the money
in the register.
Put it in the bag. Now!
Throw us some Slim Jims
in there too.
I wanna get my snap on.
Well, hello, gentlemen. I see
you've met our friend Lenny.
Hey, hey, hey,
you stop recording,
I'm gonna shove that phone
so deep inside you,
you're gonna have to do Kegels
to answer it.
I've never done Kegels,
but I've heard things.
Weird things.
You wanna get shot?
Back off.
Oh, sweet.
Butterfly knife, bro.
Oh! Is it bad?
Oh, yeah, it's bad.
You said you fixed
the ElectraSuction.
It's called
the DynaSuction.
Do I need to remind you
of the Risk game I won?
I got to name it.
Doesn't count as winning
just because you threatened
to puke on the board.
I had bad chicken marsala.
Oh, my God.
at least I did disarm him.
You're holding a human arm.
I'm holding a human arm.
You guys look great. And now
I'm gonna upload this video
so your friends can see
what you've been up to.
Just a couple of dum-dums
getting their buttholes kicked
by two ladies
in unforgiving spandex.
You wanna add anything?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
don't film vertically.
Oh. There you go.
It just looks worse.
I get it.
Do your thing, boys.
One that got the whompa
treatment might need a Band-Aid.
JUDE: Also get a mop.
LORI: Bye, Lenny.
Tell your stupid phone
to shut up.
But I don't want
to make the apple pies,
President Taft.
So today was good times,
It was good. But we've gotta get
our stuff together, Jude.
Can't keep working
with shoddy gear.
I'm doing the best I can
with the resources we got.
We can barely afford--
Holy shit.
Are there spiders?
Holy shit.
How many spiders?
CMM wants us to come in
for a meeting in Hollywood.
So it's not spiders.
An agent saw the video of us
taking down the guys
at Lenny's.
Apparently some other people
have also seen the video.
Over a million views?
How is this possible?
Because the Internet is terrible
and wonderful.
Jude, CMM.
What? No. No hmm.
Oh, I'm hmming all right.
I don't know.
I mean,
I don't wanna sell out.
Whoa. This is not about
selling out.
We've been saying
we wanna be more successful.
We didn't get into this
to make money.
We did it
to make a difference.
Yes, but unfortunately we can
barely pay our rent,
so we need the money.
Out there
we can make a difference
and make some cheddar.
Jude, imagine this scenario.
We don't have to scrape by.
We take a real chance.
An opportunity to make a bigger
difference than we can in Ohio.
It's the moment
we've been waiting for.
And we have been waiting
a very long time.
You promise we won't change
in any conceivable way?
I promise that we will not go on
two divergent character journeys
if that's
what you're afraid of.
Thank you.
Electra Woman and Dyna Girl
are going to Hollywood.
Electra Woman and Dyna Girl....
Why would you send me that?
I thought I was Snapchatting.
Goddamn it.
Okay, so we're not agreeing
to anything today, right?
We'll hear him out,
shake his hand,
say thank you, leave and talk it
over. No rash decisions.
If they try and change us,
we're out of there.
Dyna, we're a classic.
No change needed.
Holy shit.
That's Mister Fabulous.
Be cool.
We are Electra Woman
and Dyna Girl
here to see Dan Dixon.
Electra Woman and Dyna Girl here
to see you.
Please have a seat.
He'll be right with you.
I can't tell
if his attractiveness
is making me anxious
or if the burrito
isn't sitting right.
You can't do
that much cheese.
I think it's more than that
at this point.
Tell me if this is weird.
Last week
I had some bagel bites
and like 20 minutes later...
I had to use so many towels.
I feel so bad for that cat.
Neat trick.
Thanks. You got a power?
Superhuman hearing.
I am so sorry.
You've gotta get that
checked out.
Electra Woman and Dyna Girl,
Dan's ready for you.
Thank God.
You should wear a sign.
There they are.
Electric Girl and Dyna Woman.
you mixed it up.
come on, sit.
Heard you guys decided
to drive out here.
We could have flown you out.
We didn't wanna leave
the Electra Car.
Part of the whole thing
we got going.
Electra Car, yes.
Saw a picture of it.
Looks like a real piece
of shit.
Part of its charm, though,
right. Love it,
might need an update.
Let's put a pin in that.
Tiger jerky?
You a fan?
Oh. Uh...
When I discovered
Major Vaunt
he was working part-time
at Hot Topic.
Two months later he had
three national ad campaigns.
Four months after that,
five New York Times bestsellers.
He is one
of the biggest personalities
in the entire world.
So he's the biggest
superhero around
and it's all because of you?
And I'm gonna do the same
for you.
I love everything about you.
I don't wanna change a thing.
Not a single thing.
But I do want to enhance
some things.
So I'm gonna throw a lot
at you,
see what sticks.
Doesn't all have to,
but most of it does.
Let's talk about the logos.
Oh, I designed them.
Of course.
You've got moxie. I love moxie.
I love moxie more
than my mother. Rest in peace.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
She's alive. Just dead to me.
Spoiler alert,
never delete shit from my TiVo.
Everything is there
for a reason.
So the logos, they've gotta go.
Let's talk about back-story.
Are all your parents alive?
BOTH: Yes.
That's a shame.
I mean,
it's great, of course,
but a shame really.
The public,
they love a tragic back-story.
Like someone close to you
was killed
and Electra Woman
swore a sacred vow.
Yeah, but that's just not
what happened.
I say we say your parents
were gunned down
in Little Tokyo
in the middle of a gang war.
Wait, we're not considering
a fake back-story.
It's not fake.
It's just not real.
Like Santa.
Kevin, remind me.
You're crushing it.
But the Internet,
people can use that
to fact-check.
Heh. The Internet.
This one busting my chops
over there. I love it.
I love it. I love the fire.
No? Okay.
It's getting hot in here.
I feel the heat.
I love the heat.
I'm burning up.
You feel the heat?
Let's take a walk.
How about those gadgets
of yours.
I love that suction
cuppy thing.
Thanks. It's the DynaSuction.
When the guys arm popped off,
I laughed so hard
I spit out my white strips.
And the public loved it.
This time.
Next time might
not go so well.
Let's ease up
on the limb removal.
Our team's working
on your new gear.
Wait. But I make our gear.
That's precious.
Dan, I love the enthusiasm,
but I don't think
this is right for us.
We're more a DIY,
streamlined operation.
Right, Electra Woman?
Was that Captain Rhinestone?
Yeah. Look, girls,
the last thing
I would ever ask you to do
is compromise
your integrity.
No, no, no.
But superheroes that do not
brand themselves properly
fade away.
You wanna be like
Galacto Commando
or Mirth Man?
Where are they now?
Nobody knows.
Actually I read Mirth Man
is doing
some really positive work
in the Sudan.
Okay, look, I'll admit, I have
no idea where the Sudan is,
but frankly no one does.
It's true. I have no idea.
Ready to see your new toys?
This is where the magic
Electra Woman, Dyna Girl,
meet our chief of Research
and Development, Frank Heflin.
Hello, I am Frank.
Hey, Frank. Nice to meet you.
Electra Woman.
Hi, I'm Dyna Girl.
Fancy lab.
What's that?
World's largest Google search?
Actually, it's the world's
only CrimeScope.
It's the most powerful
analytic crime-fighting
device known to man.
Frank, enough with
the nerd words. Let's go.
Come on,
show them their new suits.
New suits?
The suits are made from
an indestructible flex mesh
and a reinforced lightweight
tactical armor.
I mean, I've gotta admit,
these are great.
But it would've been nice
to keep a little more
of the original look to it.
Only part
of the original we need
is your beautiful lady-heads
popping out of those neck holes.
Frank, finish up here.
Girls, you're gonna love
what he has next. Dixon.
I'm sorry,
what do you mean
Major Vaunt
is not gonna take the deal?
He wants more money.
Look, I have news for him.
There is no other better deal
coming his way.
He used to be.
Look, you--
You tell that thundering
he's being a major pain
in my ass.
And if he wants to pay
for his implants
he's gonna take
this goddamn deal.
I present to you
the ElectraCom.
With these devices,
you'll be able to communicate
with each other
anywhere in the world
via video, audio
or by writing a message
to each other.
That sounds
like a cell phone.
Well, it also shoots
the powerful electric blast
through a proprietary system
that reacts
to muscle contractions
and neural signals
from your brain
down to the nerves
in your wrist.
That doesn't sound
like a cell phone.
What are they building
over there?
That's not ready yet.
Okay, Frankie,
that is enough for today.
We have to keep
this train moving.
You're not getting younger.
You're not getting superer.
You came out here
to play ball,
not sit on the bench.
We've gotta think about it.
Great. Let me leave you
with these parting words.
A great man once said there
are no second chances in life.
No second chances.
Who said that?
Nick Matteo
from the classic Kazaam.
Great film. Seen it?
I'll get you a copy.
We're in.
Because of Kazaam?
Great news.
We are gonna do amazing things.
Amazing things.
Kevin, remind me.
You're crushing it.
So you wanna go see
the Hollywood sign?
Maybe drive to the beach?
Maybe stop pretending that I
don't know
that you're mad at me?
I'm fine. I'm not mad.
And I haven't been
holding in farts for an hour.
Are you mad
because I signed with CMM?
I agreed because
you overthink everything.
It would've taken you weeks if
not months to make a decision.
That's not true.
Tell me how long it took
to decide
to join the softball team?
Was it all of middle school?
And did you quit after the
very first game, freshman year?
The cleats hurt my arches.
I'm just trying to save us time.
And I could tell
that you were excited,
the second you saw that gear.
This is good for us.
We're gonna be real heroes.
First of all,
we are real heroes.
Second of all,
that gear was pretty sweet.
Yes, it was.
That's the positive attitude
that I need.
Where the hell did that valet
park our car?
Stick with your friends
Stick with them till the end
Tell them
How you feel about them...
What are you doing?
Good morning.
What the hell is this?
What? I'm getting rid of all
our old junky gear.
I mean, we could've just
like put in a box
and saved it, right?
We are never going to use this
now that we've got these.
I guess not.
Dan's calling.
How are my two
favorite super babes?
I got you your first gig
and it's big.
That was fast.
No rest for the wicked.
You are going to be
on Good Day USA
with Connie Westerthine
and the eight million idiots
that watch it.
We are giving them
the exclusive premiere
of the ElectraComs,
and they're paying
a pretty penny for it,
so get yourselves together,
girls. You've got two hours.
This is so exciting.
Yeah, I guess.
You have to admit
that this is at least
a little bit exciting.
It's not the worst thing
in the entire universe.
I'll take it.
Have no fear, Los Angeles.
Your city just got
a whole lot safer.
Because Electra Woman
and Dyna Girl have arrived.
That felt good.
That felt really good.
Good warm-up.
Next time in front of humans?
In front of humans.
Let's do it.
Hello and welcome back.
I'm Connie Westerthine,
and in the studio today
we have a very special treat.
They have exploded on the super
scene and have quickly become
America's newest obsession.
Electra Woman and her sidekick,
Dyna Girl.
Welcome, ladies. Thank you
so much for being here.
Thank you for having us.
Well, let's just jump
right into it, shall we?
I understand that we have
an exclusive premiere
from you today?
Yes. Today we are premiering
the ElectraComs.
These are the bad boys
we will be using
to keep all of you safe.
And what exactly do
those ElectraComs do?
We have an emergency
that is happening right now
outside of our studio.
Time to move.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Hold on, boys.
Let me take care of these two
before we get out of here.
No, what are we gonna do?
I don't know.
MAN 1:
MAN 2:
Whoa, holy shit!
All right, guys,
take them out!
That's a lot of guns.
Not sure
this is a fair fight.
Good job tiny wrist things.
let's make this look cool.
Who are you two?
Electra Woman and Dyna Girl.
That's right!
Oh, my God.
No time for a victory dance.
Oh, my God.
We just kicked their butts.
Boom, boom
Now shake
Boom, boom, boom
We're gonna make
Wow. Look at that.
You so fancy.
I saw it on television.
That's really good dancing.
Dan, did you see us on TV?
I saw you on my TV,
my computer, my phone.
You girls are everywhere,
you're crushing it.
But please, do me a favor,
never, ever do that
victory dance again.
That was painful to watch.
everybody loves you.
Dyna Diva says,
"You girls are an inspiration."
"Electra for life,"
says Squad Goals.
"I hate EW and DG,"
says losers.
You can't win them all.
Guess what?
CMM is throwing a party tonight
to celebrate the both of you.
I want you to meet clients,
but stay off
the dance floor.
I just took out a loan
to pay for some new gear.
I can barely pay my rent.
I know it seems far away,
but you've got to think
about your future.
What's your 401(k)
looking like?
Jack, Jack, hey, hey, Jack?
And that's why
I'll never win an Oscar.
Mr. Jones,
can you excuse us?
Hey, Dan.
You are still top five.
I love that guy. Yeah.
I want you to meet the fantastic
Electra Woman.
Jack runs a campaign
for ENRG Power Drink,
the most coveted campaign for
all superheroes.
You are no one
until Jackie boy
makes you someone.
It's nice to meet you.
Yeah, I know.
Hi, I'm Dyna Girl.
Okay, cool, fun.
Here you go.
Hey! Listen up, listen up.
I want to thank you all
for coming, but of course
you are here because there's
free booze you degenerates.
But the real reason we are here
tonight is to celebrate
the new girls in town
and their first big save.
So let's show some love
to Electra Woman
and her sidekick, Dyna Girl.
Make way for the Major.
with the grand entrance.
You know it.
So, what's this all about?
It's a celebration
of all things Vaunt.
As it should be.
No, it shouldn't.
You haven't done shit
to warrant a party.
We're celebrating the new girl
in town and her sidekick.
Meet Electra Woman.
I don't have a pen on me
right now, so...
Oh. I actually
don't want an autograph.
Oh. Well, I don't normally
do this at parties,
but I guess I could take
a photo with you.
I'm gonna go sit down.
That's okay.
You know,
me and Dyna, we're the ones
that took down
that big robbery today.
I think I heard about that.
You two got lucky.
We did, huh?
Yeah, lucky those guys
were a bunch of amateurs.
If you had to face
the scumbags I have,
you would've gotten pounded.
Oh, and I'm sure
you could take a pounding
way better than I could.
Oh, I can take a pounding like
you wouldn't believe.
Okay. Nice to meet you.
What's up?
You're Electra Woman's sidekick,
Dyna Girl?
I'm her partner, yeah.
I'm the Winged Wingman.
It's not just a reference
to what I do.
I'm also, like, Major Vaunt's
wingman in life too.
We are real tight.
At parties like this though,
he likes to do his own thing.
I don't mind.
It gives me a chance
to do my own thing too.
Spread my wings so to speak.
Plus I like to talk
to the other sidekicks.
I'm not her sidekick, okay.
I'm her partner.
You know, we've been doing this
since middle school.
I used to get picked on
a lot,
and one day she just kind of
stood up for me.
We weren't friends or anything
at the time,
but, you know,
she just kind of decided
that that was the right thing
to do.
And ever since then that's
what we've been trying to do.
The right thing.
So, we're partners, you know.
Like a team.
That's a nice story.
Reminds me of how me
and Vaunt started out.
Too bad everything changes.
Have a good night.
That's a lot
A lot of sound
Build it up
Break it down
That's a lot
A lot of sound
A lot of sound
Break it down
On and on and on
In the end
Who'll really listen?
On and on and on about
In the end
Who'll really listen?
On and on and on
Break it down
In the end
Who'll really listen?
Break it down
Spare some change?
Spare some change?
Spare some change?
Spare some change?
Hey! What the hell
do you think you're doing?
That's mine.
Make it quick, Frank.
The new super suit
that you wanted is complete.
Beautiful. Thanks, Frankie.
Package it up for me, will you?
Who's it for again?
You ask too many questions,
It was only one question.
Wanna meet your
favorite superheroes?
Then the 17th annual
at the Los Angeles
Convention Center
is the place to be.
All your favorite heroes
will be available
for photos, autographs,
and Q&A throughout the day.
All brought to you
by ENRG Power Drink.
No personal photos!
Dude, your phone just got
disintegrated by Disintegrator.
That's awesome.
that's a great question.
As most of you I'm sure know,
our powers generally present
in high school.
It was no different for me.
One day sitting in class,
it happened.
It was like someone flipped
a switch and there I was
able to talk to plants.
It was quite amazing.
I couldn't very well
keep such a gift to myself.
I mean, think how long
we've gone as a people
not sure if a plant
needed water or not.
Or whether it needed
to be repotted.
I'm trying to--
I'm trying to do something here.
No, no. Excuse me.
I'm trying to--
I'm answering questions.
Well, fuck you buddy. Okay?
You squat little tree.
This guy.
I got three autographs
You know it's very difficult
signing a tiny little picture.
My index fingers
have a surprising girth.
It comes from my mom's side
of the family.
Moving forward, it may be easier
to have one photo
with the both of us
we can sign.
Yeah, we're not going
to do that.
Why is the show so dead?
Where the hell is everyone?
Obviously over there.
Let me through.
I wanna get a shot.
WOMAN: Move.
MAN: I can't see.
She is always late.
It does not feel great, but--
Are you writing
a hate haiku?
I haven't done that in years.
So late night
with the SS Starletta?
Oh, my God, Dyna, she threw her
seven inch Louboutin's--
Lou-boo-ton. How do you say it?
Doesn't matter.
She threw it 300 yards
to knock out a perp
in front of the Chteau Man--
Mar-- Mar-- How do you say it?
It doesn't matter.
It was awesome.
Sounds awesome.
More awesome if her superpower
was time travel.
She could've dropped you off
20 minutes ago
when you were supposed
to arrive.
Is that
passive aggressiveness
that you're wearing?
It's my favorite scent.
Look, I was networking.
She's got a huge following
so being seen with her
raises our profile.
We're ready.
Hi. Very cool.
I love it.
"Live a little.
"Never be boring.
Love, Electra Woman."
"Always be on time.
Dyna Girl."
remember that you're young
"and you should have fun
while you can.
"Which might mean
you show up
a few minutes late
to events."
"PPS, yes,
have fun while you can,
"but maybe
extend an invitation
"to your old friends too.
"Some of them
"would have loved
to go out last night
"instead of creating
a spreadsheet
"of crime statistics
"that someone
will never even look at.
And follow your heart."
Have a great day. Next.
"Eat shit."
"--take mushrooms
for your health."
Have a great day.
You're an embarrassment.
Out of the way, losers.
Well, well, well, if it isn't
Electra Woman and Tryna Girl.
Tryna Girl.
Like trying-a.
You know, like you're trying
to be a real superhero.
Oh. Good one.
Yeah. I haven't thought of one
for you.
Well, clearly you have exhausted
your creativity on that gem,
and brilliance takes time.
I can't wait
to get out of this costume.
You gals might wanna take
a step back. Heh.
Inside of the suit
has seen better days.
Are you enjoying
your first SuperFest?
It's all right. You?
Yeah, sweaty.
Well, these things are different
for vets like us.
Maybe if you practice being nice
to the big boys, you'll last.
Most of you lady-heroes
tag out early.
Why is that?
Romantic emotions,
Food Network.
Bunch of stuff.
Well, then for the big boys,
it must be nice and relaxing
not having to sign so much
since no one really cares
about you anymore.
You better watch your mouth,
little girl.
Or I'm going to watch it
for you.
Jesus, these people,
I can taste the BO in my mouth.
Big business for us
to talk about.
Another endorsement deal?
Not you, Vaunt. Them.
Let's chat. Big news.
MAJOR VAUNT: Wait, what?
I have brought home
the grand prize
for my two favorite girls.
This didn't come easy.
I had to do some
downstairs business
with some
very unsavory characters,
but in the end
it was worth it.
I landed the whale.
An endorsement deal
that is the envy
of every other superhero
on the planet.
I'll give you two guesses
who might be the new faces
of ENRG Power Drink.
Oh, my God. We did it.
In reality, I did,
but knock yourself out
with self-congratulations.
My God.
MAN: Gotta check this out.
It's a virtual war zone
here in West Hollywood.
A short time ago,
a mysterious woman
seemed to drop from the sky,
leaving a path of destruction
in her wake.
She appears to be unscathed
by the police
and their gunfire.
While we don't have
all the facts, we may have
our first super villain
sighting since the Shadow War.
A super villain?
We have to do something.
I'd love to help, but
I really don't think I should.
I've got another signing
in 20 minutes.
How would the public respect
a superhero
that didn't honor
his commitments?
If it was a year ago,
I'd be totally in.
But now I've got
a trick knee.
Besides, maybe we should
let the police handle this.
That's what
they're there for.
Are there are any plants
that might benefit from me--
You're good.
We got this.
Damn right we got this.
This is going to be huge
exposure for us.
Thanks, girls,
but I think you should
leave this to someone
with real super powers.
Wouldn't want you two
to get hurt.
Come on Wingman.
Let's fly.
Are you serious?
I just got my damn wings off.
MAN: You're so full of crap.
LORI: I'm far more equipped--
MAN: ...medical issue...
This is the first super villain
we have seen in years.
None of us have ever had
to face a threat
of this magnitude before.
Can't you see? This harkens back
to the days of the heroes
that came before us.
Now is our time to show
the world what we can do.
Let us unite and we will defeat
this villain--
REPORTER: We're getting word
the super villain
proclaims herself
to be the Empress of Evil.
All right, Empress.
We've got you surrounded.
Just give yourself up now
and we can--
What's that? It looks like
renowned superhero Major Vaunt
has just appeared
on the scene to save the day.
Empress of Evil.
Fine. Empress of Evil.
It's time to wrap this up.
I'm here to bring you
to justice.
Let's just make this easy
on the both of us.
Okay, M.V., I'm ready.
Where's Vaunt?
It's over.
You're right.
Open fire.
He's gonna be okay,
Good morning,
I'm Wallace Reed.
Welcome to our continuing
coverage of the tragedy
that rocked Los Angeles
yesterday evening.
At approximately 8 p.m.
Pacific Standard Time
the L.A. city coroner
declared the superhero
known as Major Vaunt dead.
Listing the cause of death
as the giant gaping hole
in his body.
His murder comes
at the hands of someone
calling herself
the Empress of Evil.
It would appear she is
the first super villain
to have emerged since
the end of the Shadow War.
We're joined by two different
perspectives this morning.
First, from Los Angeles,
it's Electra Woman.
Thanks, Wallace.
And Dyna Girl.
I'm here too, Wallace.
Is my mic even on?
And from our New York
it's East Coast
super sensation,
The Holy Cannoli.
Grazie, Wally.
So let me ask
the both of you,
what are the implications
of what happened last night?
A real-life super villain?
Should we be worried?
Great question, Wallace.
The answer would be no.
Major Vaunt, rest in peace,
put forth a valiant effort,
but in the end
he came up short.
I won't let that happen.
Justice will prevail.
I will bring the Empress
to her knees.
We. We will be bringing
the Empress
to her knees, Wallace.
Holy Cannoli,
how was this received
in your neck of the woods?
Well, Wallace,
this is a great tragedy
and I mean a super villain?
You gotta be kidding me.
Get out of here with that.
But from our perspective,
although we've got much love
for the L.A. union,
we can't really get involved
in all that.
We got our own things
to take care of here.
And no disrespect,
but I mean, her beef
really does seem to be
with L.A.
So it's not even our place.
We got this. Capiche.
There you have it.
That's all.
Hi, Ma. Go Yanks.
I think we should have Frank
pull up
whatever he can
on CrimeScope.
We don't know anything
about the Empress.
Right. Frank. CrimeScope.
Great idea.
Get him on it
while we're at the shoot.
Wait, we're not
still doing the commercial?
Why wouldn't we still do it?
Because there's a lunatic
super villain out there
killing superheroes.
You said it yourself,
we don't know anything
about her.
So while CrimeScope does
whatever the hell it does,
let's do what
we're supposed to do
and go shoot this commercial.
Plus you're gonna look
so pretty. Heh.
Get in on the other side,
we have to get changed.
I gotta go, Todd.
I hate you, Todd.
No, shut up, Todd.
Todd, shut up.
Electra Woman and Dyna Girl.
Lori and Judy, right?
JUDE: Uh-huh.
LORI: Right.
Today I have one job
and one job only.
You wanna know what that is?
Well, you're a director,
so I'm going to go out
on a limb and guess: directing?
Turning superheroes
into superstars.
Have you been briefed
on the concept?
We open on an extreme wide
in the desert.
Your silhouettes glimmer
in the distance
through rippling heat waves.
Sweat coats your skin
like molasses.
A super sweet-looking
hovers in the distance
for absolutely no reason.
And then, as you two approach
a mystical oasis,
sexy assassins appear.
Yeah. And you guys
kick their asses into the water
and then jump in after them
and finish them off.
But now you're all wet,
so what are you going to do?
So you whip off your suits
to reveal sexy, badass bikini
versions underneath.
But right beside you are
two cans of ENRG Power Drink.
We dolly in as you slip on
some super sweet shades,
look directly into the camera
and say,
"Days are the only thing
"we don't know
how to take off.
"But now,
thanks to ENRG Power Drink,
we don't have to."
Fade to black.
You hear that?
That is the sound of every
prepubescent boy in the world
coming of age
to images of you simultaneously.
Can you give us
a minute?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm not sure that giving
middle school kids boners
is something
we should aspire to.
At all. Ever. Forever.
We're better than this.
we've never been better.
It says it right on the can.
Okay, calm down.
Look, if he wants a couple
gratuitous boob shots,
who cares? He's got a vision.
Jude, you've got to learn
to choose your battles.
You know what? You're right.
Good. Okay. Let's just--
Which is why I'm choosing
not to do this.
Lori, this isn't us.
Jude, I want us to be
the best that we can be.
Right, so do I.
And I don't wanna
cheapen myself to do it.
All I'm saying is I think
you've gotten so focused
on one path to success
you're not thinking
about what matters.
Hmm, you know,
that reminds me of someone.
What do you mean?
You think I'm the problem?
I think you've had a problem
since we got here.
Look at this.
This is the kind of shit
that supers kill for.
And look at you.
You're still not happy.
Will you think about this
from my perspective?
Think about how all we do now
are interviews and photo shoots,
and half the time they
barely acknowledge I'm there.
Great, so it's my fault
people like me more than you?
Jesus, I don't give a shit
about people liking me.
You don't give a shit,
I don't know
what you're doing,
but I'm taking advantage
of opportunities.
I don't miss Ohio.
I don't miss being broke.
I don't miss
having no respect.
I have worked very hard
for this.
No, we.
We worked hard for this.
We are a team, remember?
I can't do this anymore.
I can't do this either.
Let's just calm down.
Let's take a break.
We'll talk about it later.
No, I can't do this anymore.
If you're not willing
to follow my lead,
then spin off.
Get a new suit, a new name,
a new everything.
See how that works out
for you.
I can't believe
you told me to spin off.
Believe it. I said it.
The Electra train
is moving full steam ahead
and it's not stopping
for anyone.
Jesus, you sound like Dan.
Good. Dan is a winner.
Wow. Your ass
must be pretty jealous
of the amount of shit
coming out of your mouth.
Oh, great. Walk away.
I am.
Keep stepping with your feet.
That's how walking works.
Oh, look who finally
figured out how something works.
Lori, stop it.
Judy, you stop it.
I'm doing this solo.
And can we amp this up
a little bit?
It's not my grandmother's
All right, you heard her,
Let's do this. Whoa!
Home, please.
DRIVER: Okay. Where's home?
I don't even know anymore.
Well, I guess it's time
To face it
I don't think I can make it
Look, can you ask someone?
I can't drive down
every street--
Aah! No, yes,
I know where I live.
I know
where I physically live.
I was just being dramatic.
You know what?
Can you just take me to CMM?
Here's your coffee, ma'am.
What is this?
This has--
This has stuff on it.
I specifically asked
for no stuff.
The pumpkin spice. It burns.
Your crew
is a bunch of amateurs.
I have watched dogs
take dumps on rugs
more professionally
than this.
I'll fix this.
You, you're fired. Go home.
Are we good?
And why do you have
so many brushes?
I'm one person.
With one face.
Hey, Frank.
Hey, Dyna Girl.
What are you building
over there, anyway?
That's not ready yet.
Is there something wrong
with your breathing
or are you trying to give me
subtle mood hints
that I'm not understanding?
Maybe you could tell
Electra Woman,
and she could explain it
to me.
No dice, Frank.
We kind of had a fight,
and she's doing
her own thing now, I guess.
That's interesting.
either there is something wrong
with your lungs
or you are hoping
that I can solve
your emotional conundrum
with some
frank Frank advice.
Now, I assume you will see your
primary care physician ASAP,
but on the off chance
that you were hoping
for my advice, here goes.
Sometimes you have to lose
before you realize
how valuable it really is.
Electra Woman
will come around.
Thanks, Frank.
You're like a regular
Dr. Oz.
The guy who gives away
hearts and brains?
That's the Wizard of Oz,
but very close.
Oh, yeah.
You know, I think I'm going to
head to the scene of the crime--
I've suffered loss as well.
See if I can find any clues.
I threw my Frisbee into the
forest and he never came back.
Okay. Have CrimeScope see
what it can pull up
on the Empress of Evil.
I miss him every day.
Let me know what you find.
His name was Jonathan.
Thanks, Frank.
Jonathan Frisbee.
Dyna Girl, what's up?
It's me, Wingman.
I just came
to pay my respects.
This is from the night
he let me hide in the closet
and watch the three of them.
He was a good friend.
Major Vaunt and I
had our ups and downs.
Sometimes he would
take me for granted,
or laugh at my ideas
or light my head on fire
to make a bartender laugh.
Or not listen to a word
I was saying
when I was talking, or--
I guess that made me feel
really unappreciated.
That's why it's so important
for us sidekicks
to stick together when the--
Oh, hey, great talk, Wingman.
Good luck with all that.
Nobody likes me.
Dyna Girl?
Can I get a picture?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Hey, me too.
I want a photo
with the one and only Dyna Girl.
Oh, crap.
What the--?
Yeah, yeah. Absolutely, yeah.
Hey, me too.
I want a photo with
the one and only Dyna Girl.
Oh, crap.
Oh, my God, Judy.
I should have been there.
What am I doing?
You rolled up a snowball
and threw it into hell.
Now you have to see
if it has a chance.
Excuse me?
Your ego's writing checks
that your body can't cash.
You're acting like a dipshit.
My kids look up to you.
You're a superhero.
It's about time you start acting
like one.
This isn't you.
This isn't me.
So you go be you.
I gotta go be me.
I gotta go be me.
I gotta go be me!
What the hell?
Who looked her
directly in the eyes?
She's like a wild animal,
That's a sign of aggression.
Jack, I can't do this.
I'm a superhero.
And it's about time
I start acting like one.
I had a kale salad
for lunch, okay?
So don't feed me
this bullshit.
I'm coming for you, Judy.
If you leave this set,
your reputation is ruined.
Do you understand that?
You're done in this town.
You're finished, Electra.
You're done.
Nobody walks out
on Jack Hurley.
Oh, Jesus.
Mind shutting the door, buddy?
Fuck off.
Talk to me, sweetheart.
I know.
Don't you think I know this?
What did I tell you, huh?
She's gonna play ball.
If not, we're gonna make it
so that she has no choice
but to play ball.
So don't worry.
That's her. I have to go.
Play nice.
There she is.
Dan, she's got Judy.
It's all over the news.
I know, it's tragic.
But I have it all
figured out.
First thing you're gonna do
They bid highest and
they're giving the full hour
to remember Dyna Girl.
Assuming she dies.
She probably will.
Sorry for your loss.
Are you joking?
Judy's missing and all you can
think about is TV?
I'm thinking
about social media also.
Hashtag "Dyna Gone Girl."
Get it?
Okay, listen to me, Dan.
I am done with your
bullshit media campaign.
No, you listen to me.
They're paying top dollar.
You're gonna do
this interview.
If you like interviews,
do it yourself.
I gotta find Judy.
You know how many heroes
would kill
to be in the position
you're in right now? Do you?
Hello? Hello?
Hey, loser.
LORI: Frank.
Hey, Electra Woman.
God bless
your lack of an actual home.
Listen, the Empress
has kidnapped Judy.
I need to save her.
I'll ask CrimeScope
to track her
current coordinates
based off the tracking device
in her ElectraCom.
Wait, you can do that?
That's odd.
Yeah, Frank. That is odd.
That you never mentioned
that important fact.
She's here.
CrimeScope says
Dyna Girl is here.
That doesn't make any sense.
You're reading it wrong.
I'm sorry, Frank. I'm just--
I'm a little worked up.
I'm not mad at you.
I'm mad at myself.
I have been a horrible friend
to Judy. I told her to spin off.
Jesus Christ.
I know. I feel awful.
Jesus Christ
is in my orange again.
He's wearing his sombrero.
Frank, focus.
Where is Dyna Girl?
I told you.
Her current coordinates
are here at the agency.
Are you sure
it's not malfunctioning?
I don't think so.
How do I get to you?
I'm in the Valley.
Do they have taxis?
Oh, use Uber. It's built
into your ElectraCom.
You get $20 off
your first ride
with the promo code "Frank."
I can't say I'm surprised
by that.
Would you like me
to save you some orange?
I'll pass, Frank.
More Jesus orange for me.
Why are you doing this,
Supply and demand, dummy.
Every idiot,
present company included,
wants to be the hero.
That is so boring.
Why would I wanna be
one of the many heroes
when I can be the one and only
super villain in the world?
I'm cornering the market.
It's simple
business economics.
That report
really took a turn.
Didn't it, though?
Anyway, there's no point
in discussing it.
The fact of the matter is,
against all probability,
you two powerless losers
became the biggest thing
in the super game overnight.
It was hardly overnight.
We have spent years
working up to this--
I wanted a piece of that.
And frankly,
I deserve it
more than you do.
Hey, fun fact:
you can't spell "Bernice"
without "be nicer."
Okay, fine.
Maybe no more fun facts.
It's okay. She's okay.
You're friends.
You're gonna go.
You're going to see her.
The Empress is gonna be there.
You're going to save her.
She's gonna be like,
"Oh, my God.
I'm sorry.
What was I thinking?"
And we'll hug.
It's gonna be like Full House.
We used to watch
that show together.
God, what was I--?
I can't believe--
I need to go to Creative
Masked Management offices ASAP.
Emily, right?
What? No. Lori.
Sorry, wrong car.
I'm picking up Emily.
Mother F.
You suck, Emily.
I'm just kidding.
You're probably very nice.
It says you've arrived.
I don't see you.
I am at the corner
of Van Nuys and 7th.
7th? I'm not on 7th.
I'm on Van Nuys and Fenton.
Uh, it says you're on 7th.
Damn it.
Okay, just stay there.
Hey, when did you
get your powers anyway?
A couple of months
after you guys left town.
Jealous much?
You know, it's really a shame
you weren't there
when I first discovered them.
I would have loved
to have shown you
what I did
to my foster parents.
Oh, God.
You really are evil.
And you're really observant.
Hi. I need to get to the
CMM offices off of Wilshire.
And I need to get there
as fast as possible.
That's great.
I'm not an Uber driver.
Get out of my car.
Oh, my God. How many black
Priuses are there in this city?
Look, I have $11
and half a bag of Fritos.
Get out.
I lied about the Fritos.
I need my legs!
Yeah. Lori?
Hey. Hi, where are we headed?
CMM office. It's urgent.
Let me just type that
into my GPS here.
Ooh. I hit the N button.
It auto corrected
to "CBS studios."
Oh, my God.
Just drive the goddamn car.
Hey. Hey.
Are you Electra Woman?
Holy shit.
I'm a big fan, a big fan.
When you took down
those fishermen using cod
to smuggle MP3 players-- Yeah?
Paul. Paul.
How would you like to be
my special sidekick today?
Wait, what about Dyna Girl?
That's the thing, Paul.
Dyna Girl needs my help.
She needs--
She needs our help.
Can I be Uber Man?
You know, honestly,
it lacks a little creativity.
And legally,
it's probably trademarked.
If you want it long-term, you
need a lawyer. For today, yes.
Pedal to the metal,
Uber Man.
It's Uber time.
Oh, seatbelts. Seatbelts.
Okay. Yes.
Put on a seatbelt
Before you drive
Put on your seatbelt
To stay alive
Let's do this.
She was right, Paul.
She was right.
We didn't come
out here to forget who we are.
We came out here to be
the best versions of ourselves
that we could be.
Somehow I forgot that
along the way.
You know, I don't think
I've ever actually told her
how much I appreciate her.
I don't think
I actually knew
how much I appreciated her
until she left.
Turn left.
I need to grab something.
The rescue mission.
Left, Uber Man. Turn left.
Whoa! Ha-ha-ha!
I'm weaving around old ladies
like pylons out here.
That was very impressive.
That was Uber-riffic.
I am Uber-tastic.
I'm-- I'm--
This is the Ub-nation.
You know, I was slightly
turned on for a second. And now?
Ub-baby. Uber--
Nope. Stop. Shut it down.
Zip it, Paul.
I can't believe
I ever stood up for you.
Lori was right.
The only thing
Lori was right about
was the fact
that you're a pathetic sidekick.
She said that?
I mean, it sounds like something
she'd say.
I don't actually know.
I'm just assuming because,
you know,
she always kind of thought
she was better than you.
Check this out.
My brain has become
so strong,
it figured out how to change
the molecular structure
of my skin to deflect
any harm whatsoever.
I'm basically
Hashtag "thanks puberty."
But NBD, right?
I mean,
that whole "no powers" thing
is working out
really well for you.
Oh, wait.
Yeah, I get it.
You're very powerful.
It's quite unfair.
So if this thing doesn't
work out for some reason,
I've been a sidekick on and off
for a bunch of supers.
I'd love to be considered
if an opportunity comes around.
If this rescue mission
doesn't work out.
And if it does work out,
call me anyway?
Paul Kaulkman.
Make sure you rate
five stars.
Hey, Electra Woman.
What can I help you with?
Dyna Girl. Missing.
Oh, yeah.
CrimeScope said she was here,
but I don't see her.
No, Frank.
Hey, what's in the box?
I need you to fix that
for me.
Hey, loser.
Empress of Evil.
Okay, well,
first of all,
it's great to see
that you are still terrible.
Second of all, what are you
doing here under CMM?
Dan saw something in me
he couldn't pass up.
BOTH: What?
Yeah, he's my agent now.
Hashtag "blessed."
Wakey wakey.
Real mature, Bernice.
You okay?
I'm alive.
For now.
Looking for something?
You know, I try not to hate you,
but you make it so hard.
Not for me.
I hate you.
Like I care
what you think about me.
Why are you doing this,
Can you just get her caught up?
Yeah, that's fine.
You know,
as much as I would love
to continue to be unimpressed
by you two,
I made a promise
in my Reddit AMA
to do some more
villainy stuff today. Heh.
A kind stranger
even gave me gold.
Though I have no idea
what that means.
Plus, Dan wants me
to stir up more trouble anyway.
I don't understand
Dan's plan.
Why would he want you
to kill us?
That's my idea.
Dan doesn't have a clue.
He just mapped out
the whole timeline.
Gotta keep you guys trapped
for a bit.
Get the public invested
in your search and rescue.
And then...
Jude, I am so sorry.
Don't worry about it.
You said things.
And I said things.
And the truth is we both just
got caught up in our own egos.
We gave too much credit to our
definitions of right and wrong,
took opinion for fact.
We forgot to remember
the importance of respect,
patience, humility--
Lori? Lori.
Are you cutting me off
with a fake coma?
"Cut-me-off coma's"
a classic.
I haven't used it
on you in months.
You don't like my speeches.
No, I like your speeches.
And that one's great.
It's very true to you.
It's really heartfelt.
And super boring.
Hey, Dyna Girl. Loser.
What are you doing down here?
I keep soup down here.
What are you doing
down here?
The Empress?
Judy's been kidnapped.
I came here looking for her.
Did you not notice I went down
the hallway and never came back?
Right. Well, I'm glad
that you found her.
It's excellent work
as always.
Have fun.
Frank, unchain us.
Get us out of here
so we can suit up.
Oh, right here.
I said "suit up,"
not "soup up."
Oh, well,
they do sound very similar.
Hold on, is that minestrone?
You're darn tooting.
what exactly
is our game plan?
Oh, I--
I almost forgot. It's ready.
Whoa, it's Electra Woman
and Dyna Girl.
And the ElectraCar.
All that work.
Goddamn it.
We waited the whole show
for the ElectraCar. That was it?
Yeah, but at least
we got to look cool.
It's true. You looked really
cool standing in front of it.
No regrets.
I agree.
It would've been great
to get more time with the car.
I really enjoyed
the time we had with it.
Okay, but seriously,
no ElectraComs, no ElectraCar.
I'm pretty sure
we're Electra-screwed.
We never had any of that stuff
We were still superheroes,
Hey, Empress. Remember when
I said I'd never hit a kid?
I lied.
And I have not expressed
an opinion on the subject,
until now.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Get her. Get her.
That's it. That's it. That's it.
Yeah. Yeah.
Just let me do this.
Okay, yeah. Okay.
She is not injured.
Yeah, yeah. I just don't--
I don't think it's working.
Cute, guys.
We're ahead of schedule,
but I don't think Dan will mind.
Electra Woman!
Looks like the world
will get to watch you fail
at saving
your precious sidekick.
She's not my sidekick.
She's my partner.
Always has been,
and always will be.
Kind of like how you'll always
just be Bernice.
Our annoying,
shitty neighbor,
with a peanut allergy.
How's that impenetrable skin
working out for you?
Oh, fuck.
This is taking a turn.
Did you know
that was gonna happen?
What did you do?
Oh, God.
I can't not look at it.
Hey, losers,
where do you think you're going?
This isn't over.
I'm grateful you stopped her,
but that was way more graphic
than expected or needed.
I agree.
Great work but gross.
Yeah, definitely.
I guess we gotta go find Dan.
You know what might help?
Oh, my God. You fixed the
our old gear wasn't so bad.
Like I said, we're classic.
No change needed.
You know, I really appreciate
you doing this.
But don't you think
we could have used this
a few minutes ago?
Like, when all was lost
and it looked like
we might be defeated?
You know,
sure, we could have.
I just thought
maybe thematically
I should give it to you
at the end.
Putting a nice button on
the whole journey-between-us.
I can see why you'd risk our
lives for that. Makes sense.
I'm a sucker
for storytelling.
So, what do we do about Dan?
I mean,
he basically tried to kill us.
True, but for argument's sake,
I mean,
is this really the worst thing
an agent has done to a client?
Mm. Good point.
You know, I could really go
for a vacation.
Oh, let's go to Canada.
I hear they have great
tax incentives.
Oh, that's what
I'm talking about.
Electra Woman
And Dyna Girl
Electra Woman
And Dyna Girl
Electra Woman
And Dyna Girl