Ellen DeGeneres: Relatable (2018) Movie Script
1
A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
That is lovely energy.
I appreciate it.
Thank you so much
for being here,Seattle.
So it's been 15 years
since I've donestand-up
and when I decided to do thisspecial
a friend of mine was at my house
and I told him:
"I'm going to do stand upagain."
And he said: "Really?"
And I said:
"Yeah. I was hoping for more of a really."
But it was really.
And I said: "Yes, why?"
And he said:
"Well, do you think
you're still relatable?"
And...
I said: "Yes, I do think
I'm still relatable.
I'm a human being."
He said: "Well, I mean, your life
has changed so much."
And... Isaid:
"I know but I still think I'mrelatable."
And anyway, just then, Batu,my butler,
stepped into the library...
and...
He announced
that my breakfast was readyand I...
I said: "We'll continue this conversation
another time.
This is... ridiculous."
And... hum...
So I'm sitting in the solarium
eating mybreakfast and...
I was on my third or fourth bite
of cutepineapple that Batu was feeding me
and...
I said: "Batu, I'm not hungry,
I've lost my appetite.
My friend has really upset me
by what hesaid."
And...
he said: "Well then,
I shall draw you a bathma'am."
And...
I said: "You don't have to announceit
all the time.Just draw the bath."
So I'm sitting in the tub
and I'm lookingout of the window
at the rose garden and...
Tatiana was tending
to the roses and...
I knocked.
"Ma'am."
And... anyway. I get out of the tub
and Batu hadforgotten to put the towel
next to thetub.
Again!
And...
So, I had to do that bathmat scoot
all theway across...
the bathroom to get to the towel.
And, it's a big...
You can imagine howbig the bathroom is.
It's like...
Doing the bathmat scoot.
And then I stopped and I was like:
"Oh myGod...
this is relatable."
People do the bathmat scoot
when thebutler forgets to put the towel
next to the tub.
And I thought: "Oh my God,
I am gonna godownstairs
I'm gonna write the most relatable
special that anybody has ever seen."
So after Lupita got me dressed
and combedmy hair...
I just couldn't wait, I was just...
the whole way down the escalator,
I'm like, this is gonna be so good.
So I get downstairs
and my friend isstill down
wandering around in thehallway
and I'm like: "What are you still
doing here?"
And he's like: "I'm lost."
And I'm like: "Ohmy God."
"How many times
have I shown you the frontdoor?
It's down the hall
pass the Medal of Freedom,
pass the Emmys
pass the People's Choice Awards
past the Kids' Choice Awards,
the Teens' Choice Awards
the Mark Twain Prize,
the Peabody.
Take a left at the gift shop,
and that is the front door."
I think people have a tendency...
We look atsomebody
and we decide we know all aboutthem.
We put someone in a box so,
you know
I think everyone thinksthat all
celebrities live exactly the same.
Like weall live behind big gold gates
down along winding driveway and...
to a big round motor court with a...
fountain in the center
shooting up in the air and...
double doorsleading to a two-story
entrance andmatching curved staircases
to the secondfloor
and a chandeliermade of crystal
and gold toilets, and...
What else do I have?
Gold toilets...
We do... We have a tendency
to stereotype people.
This is...
This is a true story.
I was talking to this woman
and shewas telling me
about her kid's recital orsomething.
You know, how people are, and...
I said: "I gotta get going.
I gotta get home to feed my cats."
And...
She said: "Oh, how many cats do you have?"
And I said: "Three."
And she goes: "Oh, you area lesbian."
I said: "I got news for you,that's not
what makes you a lesbian, it's..."
Nuts...
It's other stuff. It's...
I said: "I have three dogs.
Does that cancel it out in any way or..."
What if I had two cats,
does that make mequestioning
or am I not quite gay at that
point?
I don't know...
I am still gay by the way.
Still...
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yes, I'm enjoying it. It's...
really working out for me now.
It's...
at the beginning, not so much, but now...
Yeah, it was tough in the beginning.
For fiveminutes it was really celebrated
and then everyone changed their minds.
But I really...
For a few minutes there
it really seemed like it was goingwell
and I thought
everyone in Hollywoodthat's closeted
is gonna come out after me
I pictured like a stampede
of wildelephants like...
every closeted actor andactress
in Hollywood...
But instead,
they were like littlemeerkats
coming out of their little
meerkat closets. Just...
"How's this gonna go?
Is she gonna be OK?
Before I make a decision
I wanna see how this is.
Nope, not going well.
I'm going down...
back in...
stay there for a little while."
I just think, it would help
if more peoplecame out.
There are a lot of children
that it would impact
a lot of kids would be helped
by that, you know, and...
It's not just actorsand actresses.
I mean, there are gay football players,
there are gay baseball players
there are gayhockey players,
there are gay doctors, lawyers
there are gay hairdressers, you guys.
I just think
when something istalked about
and when you seerepresentatives
of whatever the subjectis
it demystifies it.
People aren'tafraid of it anymore like...
dandruff.
I mean...
People weren't talking about dandruff.
Everybody was all nervous about dandruff
and then Sofia Vergara does this
Head & Shoulders commercial...
Her son has dandruff.
He's a handsome boy.
We don't care.
He's got dandruff.
Nobody's worried about talking
about dandruff anymore, you know.
Jen Aniston has dry eye.
We know that now.
She's your friend,
she's my friend.
She has dry eye and that's okay.
She's actually... She is my friend
and shehid that from me.
I had to learn about it
on the commercial. She was...
ashamed.
So, I think, you know,
if more gay peoplewould endorse...
and not in acommercial,
like, but, although...
Can you imagine:
"Hi, I'm Ellen DeGeneres.
Now I'd like to talk to you aboutgay.
Do you find yourself in love with,
attracted toor just curious
about the same sex?
Maybe it's time you try gay.
You'll notice the difference
in as littleas 48 hours.
And I should know.
I'm not just a spokesperson, I'm a gay.
Side effects may include: Loss of family,
loss of friends, unemployment."
Yep, unemployment is a side effect.
That is definitely...
I lost my sitcom whenI came out and...
It's not like nobodywarned me.
I mean everybody warned me.
My publicist,my agent, my manager
anyone making moneyoff of me said:
"Don't do it."
But, you know,
my worst fears came true because...
you know, and that's why
people stay closeted.
The same people who lovedme,
overnight, just hated me.
Just becausethey knew I was gay.
Everything changed.
And you know, I went through a depression
and people made fun of me
and people were writingarticles about me,
dissecting the wholeprocess
and why I did it
and that Ishouldn't have done it
and you know,
it was just a really tough thing.
It took three years for me
to get back ontelevision.
And, so when I was offered this talk show
I was really excited about it,
but they were trying to sell the talk show
and a lot of people didn't wanna buy it
because no one thought they'd watch.
There was this one station manager,
and this is a quote:
"No one's gonna watch it.
No one's gonna watch
a lesbian duringthe day."
I said: "Well, they weren't watchingme
at night. What time of day is good for...
a lesbian?"
So...
Yeah, and then I get on the air
in the first season.
I'm sure you have it archived.
if you lookback at the first season.
I kinda had to tone it down a little bit,
I had to dress differently.
I was, you know...
My hair was different.
I had to wear necklaces,
crazy things, really. Just...
"Is Ellen wearing a necklace?
It's very delicate.
She may not be gay anymore,
I don't know.
Does she still have the cats?
She may not be gay."
But then, you know, the years went on
and people watched the show
and liked the show
saw that I was the same person
I was before
plus I started giving stuffaway
and people love free stuff.
Oh yeah!
"I got a TV from the gay lady.
I sure do like her."
Yeah, so, starting season 16
this year and now...
So, it turns out they'll watch a lesbian
during the day. They...
So, now everybody's pretty cool
with thefact I'm gay.
Everybody's fine with that.
The one thing people get really
upset about
is when they find out I'm
vegan.
Oh boy.
"You're vegan?
Where do you get your protein?
Why do you care
where I get my protein?
Where do you get your riboflavin?"
It's hard to be vegan.
If you go to a restaurant,
unless it'sa vegan restaurant.
they don't know what to do.
You know, you say: "I'm vegan.
So well, then you can have the chicken?
No can't have the chicken.
- I'll get the asparagus.
- Well, that comeswith Parmesan cheese.
Can you do it without?
- Alright, I'll just get the salad then.
- Well, that's soaked in ham juice.
- Why?
- That's how we do it, don't know."
I'm not really vegan,
I say it for the joke. But I'm not...
Oh, look...
how happy you are.
Oh my God, you're so happy
I'm not vegan.
"Thank God, Ellen. I was trying
to laugh along with the vegan bit,but..."
And all the vegans are like:
"Oh, Ellen!
You were helping us for a minute there."
I was vegan for 8 years and I really do
believe that is great for you.
I was healthier than I'd ever been,
I love being vegan.
But just in the last year or two
for no reason, really. I just started
eating a piece of fish once in a while
and I'll eat eggs
from chickens that I know.
You know what I mean? Like...
If they're in someone's backyard
and they're wondering around
and they'rehappy
and they don't have a husband.
Do you know what I'm saying?
You know...
You know what I mean...
You know what I mean, yeah.
Some of the restaurants are trying
to figure out how to help vegans.
There's not a lot of option
at most restaurants.
But the fine dining. I love that phrase.
"Fine dining."
"- How's the dining?
- Fine."
They try to be so fancy
when you go intothe "fine dining".
"Have you dined with us before?
No, but I've dined in other places before.
Something different gonna happen in here?
Sit down and eat and pay
and leave, right?
OK.
Some of these restaurants
they have thewaiters that...
I get so much anxiety from
the waiters
that refuse to take yourorders
and write it down.
They insist on memorizing your order.
Oh my God, I have so much anxiety.
I don't know why they insist on doing it.
like they're impressing us in some way.
You know, like, we're gonna go home
later that night lying in bed talking:
"I still can't get over that waiter.
Oh.
Every single thing, he remembered.
Yep, the green beans.
I thought about that too,on the side...
Good night."
If I see
they're not gonna write itdown.
I'd say: "Do you mind if I write it down
and give it to you and then...
you take it in
the kitchen?
Is that okay? 'Cause...
I'd like it to come out right."
It's just so... I'm filled withanxiety
when they come up to the table
and they just come up and:
"And thelady will have?
Thank you.
And for the gentleman?
Shouldn't be a problem.
I'll speak with the chef and... yes.
And the green beans on the side.
I'll do that, thank you.
And for you?
Deathly allergic.
Alright, I'll remember that.
Yes.
No, deathly allergic.
I got it right there, thank you.
And next?
Thank you.
And this side of the table?
Excellent choice."
I hate when they say "excellent choice"
right after me.
Like: "What was my choice?
It wasn't...? Why?
Why do you say that to her?"
Some of the nicer restaurants have
the bathroom attendants in there
which is a...I don't understand
how that job gotstarted.
That was somebody's idea.
I don't know who started that.
I don't know if some person,
a customer in the restaurant.
"I'd like to speak to the manager.
I'm the manager. Was there a problem
with the meal, everything OK?
Everything was fine, thank you.
Delicious, as a matter fact
but when I went into the bathroom...
I was all alone.
Nobody was in there.
Alright, so you would like someone
to goin with you?
No.
I'd like someonealready in there
before I get in therewaiting...
listening.
The bathroom attendant
used to bea simple thing.
There was a woman in there
and there wasa hair brush and some mints
by the way,who's using that hairbrush?
That's...
There's hair in it already
and you just...
Now, it's like, it's grown.
It's like, now, there's anything
you couldpossibly want in the bathroom.
It's like, a whole bodega
is set upin there.
There's like...
There is a make-up display
there's is a curling iron,
hair extensions
crudits
Oh, are those strawberries in season?
Those look good.
You leave the bathroom
to go back to yourtable.
"I'm full, I ate in the bathroom.
I don't need anything.
Oh, and the hummus was good."
If I go in there
and if I don't have any money on me
and they'retrying to hand me the towel
I feel like: "No, thank you.
I can't... No.
I don't... No.
I don't deserve it,
give it to thelady there.
No, thank you. I'm good."
That's a job, there are so many jobs
when you think aboutit.
There are so many different types of jobs.
I like my job.
I have a good job.
I... a few years ago
I started ending my show by saying:
"Be kind to one another."
And...
Yeah, that's what I thought. But...
And it's a wonderful thing, it is,
but here's the downside
I can never do anything unkind,
ever now,ever.
I'm the be-kind girl.
I'm...
And I'm kind, I'm a good person.
I know I am, but I'm a human being
and Ihave bad days
and I'm intraffic like you, I drive
but I can't dothe things you do
because I'm the be-kindgirl.
You know.
I mean, if someone does something rude
in traffic to you, you can honk...
and let themknow
your disapproval and I...
I shouldn't even have a horn
in my car.
There's no reason for me
to have a horn.
I can't honk ever at anyone.
Like, if someone cuts me off
in a dangerous way
if I honk, they are like: "Ellen?"
Yeah, that and the dancing.
That was a mistake, too.
That...
I'm not a dancer.
I just danced as a joke.
And then I danced
the second day too good
and then the third...
And I was locked in, I was the dancer.
Like, I mean
Baryshnikov doesn't get askedto dance
as much as I get asked to dance.
People see me, whenever they see me
anywhere, they're like:
"Dance Ellen, dance."
And I'm like...
"I'm getting a mammogram.
I can't move right now.
How did you get in here, anyway?"
Yeah, I can't...
When I'm in traffic, here's the thing.
I love to drive and I like to drive fast
and I'm safe, but I do like to go fast
and so slow drivers...
irritate me, because they're goingso slow
and let's be honest.
It's usually a Prius, isn't it?
They've got the "coexist" bumper sticker
on theback
listening to NPR
knitting a hemp scarf...
If I see a Prius going fast, I'm like:
"Good for you!"
I don't know why it is.
Whenever we passsomeone going slow
we have to see what they look like.
We're always like...
"That's what you look like.
I thought so, I thought..."
There's nothing more embarrassing
than when you pass up a slow driver
to showthem the proper way of driving.
You goaround them
and show them how they shouldbe driving
and then you hit a red light.
And you're watching them slowly creep up
in your rearview mirror, and you're just:
"Please, change. Please, change.
Please, change."
And the light doesn't change
so theyjust creep up alongside of you.
"I'm just gonna look down here
and touch that.
I'm gonna see what that is,
right there,with that
because I have to see this and...
No, I know you're next to me but you're
still wrong, even though you caught up.
And I'm gonna do that with my finger
for a while because..."
I don't wanna judge.You don't know
why someone's going slow.
You have no idea.
Maybe they're transporting a bowl ofsoup.
I don't know, you know.
I really don't like to judge,
except forpeople who say "libary".
Then I do.
"Libary"...
Really?
OK.
The place with all the words?
OK...
You know what word's not in there?
"Libary".
No, I don't like to judge 'cause...
I do stupid things, we all do...
Everyone does stupid things.
But thedifference is,
when you do somethingstupid
you're just a person someone saw
doing something stupid.
When I dosomething stupid,
it's a story.
I went to a gas station
to put gas in my car
And there's a group of teenageboys
across the way and they're like...
really cool.
They were vaping and...
And they were like:
"It's Ellen,oh my God, it's Ellen."
And I'm like...
and...
then I realized I pulled up,
and the gaspump was over here
and my tank was back here,
on this side ofthe car.
They're looking at me,
and I'm looking atthem and...
I get back in the car...
and I pull around.
Now, it's still on the wrong side...
because I've just pulled around.
And they're still looking at me...
And I'm like:
"I don't wanna looklike an idiot."
So, I just filled up the back seat.
I just...
I'll buy a new car, I don't care.
I don't have that many
childhood memories.
And I think because my mother told me
she was rocking me
when I was a little baby
and we went over backwards and...
I thought, how fast
do you have to berocking...
a baby?
How is that soothing for either of us?
She said she held my head.
I don't think she did. She...
And she has no memory either.
I think we both hit our heads.
I'm not sure.
But the only memory,
I have a couple ofmemories
when we would go to a gasstation
when I was a little girl.
My dadwould only get
a dollar's worth of gas, all thetime.
Every time we'd go get
a dollar's worth of gas
so I'm like:
"Just fill it up once, just..."
And Ilook back now
and I'm like: "Oh, we were poor."
That's why. He had...
only a dollar.
Makes sense now.
I was raised in New Orleans and...
we...
It's a wonderful place to grow up
and Iwas raised Christian Science.
That was a religion we were.
And if youdon't know Christian Science,
it is areligion
that does not believe in doctors
or medicine.
So my entire childhood, I never had
a vaccination, never had any medicine.
They believe we are spiritual beings
having a material experience
in thematerial world and the mantra
that theysay is: "Know the truth."
And the truth is, there is no pain
unless you give it pain with your mind.
I was 10 years old.
I split my knee open
and my bone wasexposed.
And my dad told me
to "know the truth" and I said:
"Well...
the truth is...
My bone is exposing its...
material-self to the material world.
Help me."
And then I passed out.
Yeah, we never had a vaccination,
never had...
But they even kept, like,medicine...
I didn't know anything about medicine.
It's amazing, we were poor
'cause we never had medicine.
We never bought anything.
We should've saved a fortune on that.
But...
my grandmother lived with us
when Iwas a little girl
and if an Aspirincommercial
came on the air
she would getup from the sofa,
go to the TV
turn itdown, stand in front of it
and hum a hymnreally loudly like...
So you can imagine my fascination
with Aspirin when I was a little girl.
Like...
"What is Aspirin?
What is happening?"
Oh my God, it was just like...
I mean, we'd be in the car,
driving past the drugstore
and I'd be like:
"I'm gonna get Aspirin someday."
My parents divorced when I was 13.
I went through
sort of a bad girl phase, Iwas...
on Aspirin.
One, two a day.
I was like...
I was on Aspirin a lot.
My parents were obsessed
with celebrities
and so, hi, here I am.
Yeah, they really made it known that
celebrities wear something and...
I remember, Charlton Heston
came to town
and I was four years old
and everybody was crowdingaround
trying to get a good look
at Charlton Heston.
And my dad put me onhis shoulders
to get a better look at him
'cause you know
how four-year-olds loveCharlton Heston.
He was using me as bait, hoping
that Charlton would go:
"Oh, cute little girl."
And come over,you know.
'Cause people do that to me.If I'm out
somewhere and people have a baby
They'll hold it out towards me
like, for me tohold it and I'm like:
"This is cashmere, no."
But you know, so then I grew up going:
"Oh, celebrities!"
I guess,everybody's like that
but like, I mean, Iwas 16.
I was younger than that I think
Michael Jackson was in NewOrleans
and I was so... I heard where he was,
that what street he was on
and so, Ichased, I didn't chase.
I was walking, hewas walking,
he started running, I had tocatch up.
And...
So I was excited by celebrities.
I was really like, you know,
and like I said...
Do you wanna finishlaughing?
I don't wanna stop you.
Hm.
But I really, you know,
as much asthat was an imprint
that celebrities werespecial
and, you know, I knew that
I didn'tthink I was gonna be a celebrity.
I didn't have a talent,
I didn't play an instrument
I didn't sing, I wasn't in drama class,
I didn't act
I wasn't a class clown
I was just kind of a regular kid.
And Ididn't know what I was gonna do.
I graduated high school
I'm still lost
I just was doing anything
to pay rent and...
I shucked oysters,
and I sold vacuumcleaners
and I worked
for a landscapingcompany
I was a waiter, which by the way
I thinkeveryone should wait tables
at least oncein their life.
Yep.
That and coal mining
'cause that seems hard, too.
But I didn't know what I was gonna do
and my life changed
when I was 21 yearsold
and my girlfriend at the time
was killed in a car accident
And I passed the accident.,
it had just happened.
I didn't know it was her
'cause she wasin a different car.
I almost stopped
but then sirens wereright behind me
and showing up so I keptgoing
and I found out later it was her.
And... so...
I had to move out of the...
place we were living
'cause I couldn't afford
to live there anymore.
I had no job, I had no car, no money.
I moved into this
tiny basement apartment
and you could hardly stand up in it.
It wastwo rooms and...
I had a mattress on thefloor
and the entire basement
was infested withfleas.
There were fleas everywhere.
And I was laying there
and I justcouldn't believe...
It was the first person I everlost
that I loved
I was just... how isthis possible?
This beautiful young girlis gone
and fleas are here.
I don't understand...
what fleas do even.
I was so angry atfleas and I was like...
And I just thoughtthey must do something
because I do trulybelieve
that everything in nature
works together.
Even if we don't understand it,
it doessomething for something else.
And I wantedto understand this.
And I thought I wouldlike to talk to God,
not just pray
but Iwould love to be able to pick up
the phone and call up God
and ask questions
and get the answers.
'Cause I used to writeall the time.
I journaled and I wrote poetry.
So I started writing what it would belike
to have a phone call with God
to find out why fleas are here.
and it wasn'tmeant to be funny.
I'd never done comedy before and...
but Istarted thinking,
well, it would ring fora long time
it's a big place and then
he'd put meon hold
because he's a busy guy and...
Onward Christian Soldiers would play
but it was live, not a tape and...
I'm not gonna do the whole thing.
Go back and watch the special but...
Anyway, I finished writing it.
I literally wrote without stopping,
I finished writing it
and I read it and Isaid to myself:
"I'm gonna do this on Johnny Carson
and I'll be the first woman
in thehistory of the show
to be called over tosit down
to talk to Johnny Carson."
And...
I mean, I'm in a basementon a mattress
with fleas, never done comedy.
I make that statement,
six years later, this happens.
Thank you very much!
- That's well done!
- Thank you.
Yeah, that's very clever
and very fresh, and..
Well, that's wonderful
hearing thatfrom you.
No, I mean it, it's good material.
- Thank you.
- How long you've been doing it?
That was before I got my new voice.
That was my first voice I had and...
Sinbad dressed me for that, by the way.
That was...
I wish that was a joke, but it's not.
He did.
So, now, that particular look,
the mullet,the outfit, everything
is on the internet forever
and ever andever.
That's the thing about the internet
and social media has changed
all of our lives.
I mean social media is... I think there's
good things about it obviously
and we canreach a lot of people
and the world is more connected now
but...
we don't talkanymore,
our phones never...
if our cell phone rings...
"Who's calling me, who would...?"
You know, I found, Portia and I,
on a Sunday afternoon.
I'm laying on the sofa,
I have my phone.
She's laying on the other sofa,
she hasher phone
and we were in that Instagram vortex
that you get stuck in
and youjust find
all these different things
but instead of finding something cute
and sharing it and going over there
and saying... Like she's four feet
away from me.
We are just silently, without talking,
sending things back and forth...
Like, I'd send her this.
And she'd send me this.
I'd send her this.
She sent me this.
I send her this.
She sends me this.
And then I sent her this.
Yeah, yeah
Ay, I remember syrup sandwiches
and crime allowances
Finesse and nanno with some
counterfeits
But now I'm countin' this
Parmesan where my accountant lives
In fact, I'm downin' this
D'USS with my boo bae,
tastes like...
Yeah.
If you look up:
"Birds that dance to music."
You'll see,there are so many of them.
Birds... it turns out, love music.
And you can seethey have rhythm.
They are on the beat and Iwas like:
"Oh my God, that's crazy."
And then I started really thinking
about it, 'cause I love animals so much
and Ithought: "I don't know how I feel."
Because when people get birds as pets
they cliptheir wings,
they put them in cages
they don't get to fly anymore
but these birds get to dance
and theyknow music and they're...
listening to music
that they'd never otherwise hear
if they were in the jungle, you know.
Because the birds in the jungle
have never heard Kendrick Lamar.
They don't know who he is.
They're flying
and they think they've got it all
but they don't.
They're missing outon music
that they could be flying
and then getting down on the...
you know.
I'm torn, I don't know how I feel.
Because I feel like animals should be
in their natural environment.
That's what they should be doing.
They should be
wherever they're supposedto be.
I have an issue
with all the emotional support animals
that people areflying with now.
It's just gotten out of hand.
There was a woman trying to get
on theplane with a peacock the other day.
They didn't let her on, thank God,
but Imean, not that she doesn't need it.
Clearly, she's crazy.
You know...
I don't know what the requirements are
to get an emotional support animal
but Idon't think
they are too tough to...
It's the same doctor
that prescribesmedical marijuana.
I'm pretty sure that, you know...
- "Doctor, sometimes I worry...
- I've heardenough.
I'm gonna prescribe you pot and a pet."
Now when you fly, it's like...
I mean you'rewalking down the aisle
to your seat,which is you know
10B or whatever it is
It's like Noah's Ark.
There's a womanwith a ferret
there's a man with a mongoose,
there's a lady with a donkey.
I say 10B,
does a plane go back thatfar?
I've never been back there.
Are there ten rows?
Are there ten...
I just guessed.
I don't know, I just guessed.
People...
People used to take Xanax
when they werestressed out.
Now, they're carrying animals
around with them...
I...
There are somany pills.
If you look at the commercials
that areon the air, most...
every commercial is forsome type
of medicine, some kind of pill
and I don't knowif you've noticed it...
the medicine commercials...
The side effectsare so long...
that the people on the commercial
are running out of activities.
They don't even...
They've done some gardening,
they've gone on a picnic
they're on the lake in a boat,
they've gone to get ice cream.
They've gotten a pottery class,
they've played frisbee with a dog.
They're still listing the side effects.
"Whooping cough, back hair, crying..."
And it'sjust...
They should say anything at all:
"Side effects could be,
think of something.
Yep, you could get that for sure.
You might not but you might."
And then at the end it says: "Ask your
doctor if Trulicity is right for you."
It's like: "I don't even know
what's wrongwith them.
They seemed fine, like,
I don't know what it is.
Maybe it's right for...
I've gardened.
I don't know if I shouldget it."
"Ask your doctor
if Trulicity is right foryou."
Why is that my job?
Like...
You're at the doctor's office:
"Ellen, you seem pretty sick.
Got your eye on any good medication
you want to tell me about?
Trulicity? I...
That could be right for you."
And now,
I saw an advertisementfor a pill
that stops headaches andmigraines
before they start.
That's some good marketing
right there, isn'tit?
- "Are you in any pain?
- No, not at all.
I'm gonna give you something for that.
But...
- But I'm not in any pain...
- And you won'tbe."
I think that's why I don't wannahave to
take any of these things
I see advertised on...
I just...
I wanna eat right,
I wanna take care of myself,
I wanna work out.
I used to work out a lot.
I was working out like six days a week
and then I had a sports injury.
I pulled a muscle...
putting on a sports bra and...
Those are too tight,
they are too tight. They are.
Yeah.
And then when you're sweaty,
trying totake them off... It's like...
I've never taken one off.
I have 15 on right now.
First one is from 1984 jazzercise
class I took. That's...
I do have an injury that's...
kind of a problem for working out now.
So I was having pain
in my thirdand fourthtoe.
If you don't know, one had roast beef
and the other had none.
But...
So...
I've had this pain
and I went to gosee a podiatrist
and so he looks at mypods
and he said that...
He said: "You have a neuroma."
And I said: "You have a neuroma."
I said that to him.
Hum.
But...
I said: "What do I do about that?"
He said: "Nothing.
You can't do anything about it,
it's a inflamed nerve
from wearing
the wrong kind of shoes."
He said: "Do you wear like soft-soled
shoes, like tennis shoes?
I said: "Yes, that's what I wear."
He goes: "That's the wrong kind
of shoe foryou.
The best shoe for you to wear...
is a cowboyboot.
Goodbye."
So I had to go buy new shoes
with hardersoles
and when I was trying on shoes,
I realized, when we try on shoes
we do things
we're never gonna do in them.
We stand up.
"These are good.
These are good.
If I have to do that, that's good.
These are good, I like these.
That's good. If I have to do that,
that'll be good.
These are good if I have to do this.
Yep, I like these, I'm gonna get these.
Yep."
When we try on shoes
there's a little tiny mirror
on the ground.
For the shoes to see themselves,
'cause youcan't.
"What do you guys think,
do you like them?
I can't see.
Do you want them?"
Shoe salesmen are like no other salesmen
for any other thing you buy.
You say: "I'd like to try those
on a size six."
They come out with boxes.
"We didn't have a six
but we hada nine and a half."
And...
We try on everything that we're gonnaput
on our body except for socks, I realize.
We don't try socks on
because we trust...
Because the size is so...
It's likesize three through 11.
It really...
It's like...
It's gonna fit.
It's like your childhood, through your
adulthood, you wear those things.
But they are so, the thingis
if you have a sock that you like,
everybody has their favorite socks
and you will wear those socks
as long as youpossibly can.
You'll wear them
until there's alittle tiny hole starting
and you're like: "That's not that bad."
That's...
a simple little hole
that you can just...
Your heel can be pokingthrough,
it's like a halter top foryour foot.
It's like...
Little holes everywhere, you think:
"Who's gonnato see it?
I'm just gonna keep shoes on,
they're not gonna see that."
Then you go tosomebody's house
and they have a shoes-off policy.
I gotta get the fuck out of here.
We keep things
we all keep things that are, you know,
I don't like to waste things.
I don't like to...
waste food.
I don't think that's a good thing.
So I try to keep everything
and use everything
except for when ketchup gets
down to that...
part where it starts makingthat noise,
I'll throw it out
because there's no need in keeping it
when itmakes that noise.
That's...
But, like toothpaste
I will use everysingle bit of toothpaste
in that tube.
I will, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
And it's not about the money.
You know that.
I mean...
It's about winning.
When I roll it, I make sure
there's nothing in there, in the pockets.
I roll it real tight.
I'll take my black American Express card
and I'll just squeeze it.
Flatten it out.
If I have a gold bar laying around
I'll takethe gold bar.
Yeah, we all have our little quirks.
We all have our things that we do,
that kind of doesn't make sense.
But I think that one thing that we all do,
that I've noticed that is...
We all have our song, right.
We have thesong like:
"Oh my God, that's my song."
And if we're at a club
and that song comes on
you wanna dance but you will notdance
until you hit the designated dancefloor.
That's what I've noticed. Only when you
hit the dance floor, will you dance.
Got birds and I'm runnin', yeah,
bout a hundred, yeah
Girl, you looks good,
won't you back that ass up
You'se a fine motherfucker,
won't you back that ass up
Call me Big Daddy
when you back that ass up
Hoe, who is you playin wit?
Back that ass up
Girl, you looks good,
won't you back that ass up
You'se a fine motherfucker,
won't you back that ass up
Call me Big Daddy
when you back that ass up
Hoe, who is you playin wit?
Back that ass up
Girl, you look good,
won't you back that ass up
You'se a fine motherfucker,
won't you back that ass up
You got a stupid ass, yeah,
make me laugh, yeah
Make a nigga want to grab that,
autograph that
I'm sweatin' in the drawers, yeah,
hard and long, yeah
But if that's your song when you're 30,
it's still your song when you're 85.
...with the money, yeah,
don't act funny, yeah
Got birds and I'm runnin', yeah,
bout a hundred, yeah
Girl, you looks good,
won't you back that ass up
You'se a fine motherfucker,
won't you back that ass up
Call me Big Daddy
when you back that ass up
Hoe, who is you playin wit?
Back that ass up
Girl, you looks good,
won't you back that ass up
You'se a fine motherfucker,
won't you back that ass up
Call me Big Daddy
when you back that ass up
Girl, who is you playin wit?
Back that ass up
Girl, you looks good,
won't you back that ass up
You'se a fine motherfucker,
won't you back that ass up
You got a stupid ass, yeah,
make me laugh, yeah
Make a nigga want to grab that,
autograph that
I'm sweatin' in the drawers, yeah,
hard and long, yeah
Want to walk it like a dog, yeah...
At the starting of the week
At summit talks you'll hear them speak
It's only Monday
Negotiations breaking down
See those leaders start to frown
It's sword and gun day...
I am 60 years old
and I'm dancing to "Back That Ass Up".
Yes, I turned 60 this year.
I turned 60 in January and...
So, for my birthday this year
my wife, Portia, gave me
the most amazing gift.
She established
The Ellen DeGeneresWildlife Fund
to save the mountain gorillas.
In Rwanda, so...
So we went to Rwanda
for my birthday thissummer
to go see the mountain gorillas
and see the the site
where we'rebuilding my campus,
and it wasunbelievable.
It was really, really special.
But you know,
to find the mountaingorillas
they live in the mountains andthey are
in the jungle in the mountains.
And... it's a jungle out there.
I'll tell you that. It's...
And it was raining for a long time
before we got there
like a month beforewe got there
and so it was really muddy
and there's like stinging thistles
and allkinds of brush everywhere
that you've got somebody
hacking awaywith a machete
and you're trying to get through
and sometimes you had to crawl
this farunder, we're sinking in the mud
like, to our knees and...
three hours up the mountain at some point,
I was like...
Happy birthday...
to me
Happy birthday...
to me.
Happy birthday...
dear Ellen
Oh my God, it was so hard but...
It is so worthit
'cause when you get there
and you seethis thing
five feetaway from you...
So majestic, so beautiful.
Portia and I took a picture
and this guy photobombed us back there.
But yet, so you can see like her hair
is soaking wet
she's got mud on her face
and we're...
So we get down to the bottom
and we take apicture with our group
that we went with,
and you can see the mudwhere...
we had all fallen
and sank into the mud.
If you wanna see how happy I am,
if you'llzoom in on my fist there...
Yeah.
That's...
That's my "Happy Birthday" fist
right there.
Yeah.
The thing is, I didn't pack correctly.
That's what was wrong
because Ipacked to go on Safari
and I looked good.
I went on safari and I looked
like I should have been on safari.
I didn't have waterproof clothes,
I didn't have waterproof shoes
I didn't have the right things.
But I find, when we go on vacation
we pack for who we want to be,
we pack for this...
fantasy personalitythat we're gonna have
when we go away.
When we're on an island, they don't know
we don't wear white linen all the time.
Beads in a big floppy hat.
That's who we are, you know.
We just, we're like:
"Well, for sure I'm gonna work out
'cause there's a gymin the hotel,
so I'm gonna bring my...
running shoes,I'll run on the beach
every day. And then I'll do...
yoga on the pier.
I've seen that in the brochure, and...
I'll bring a poncho in case
there's abonfire on the beach.
I'll wanna have a poncho on.
I'll bring a gown in case
there's a captainfrom a boat
that I have to have dinnerwith.
I'll bring some books,
I'll read for sure.
I'm gonna read.
I don't read at home,but I'm gonna
read there, I'll have a lot of time.
I'm there three days,
I'll bring six books and...
Yeah.
Cut to you, sitting at a bar, drunk,
in thesame outfit the entire time.
I love that we imaginethat we're gonna
curl up and read a good book.
I love that expression.
I'm gonna go curl up
and read a goodbook like...
You don't curl up for amagazine,
you don't curl up for...
Although, when I readthe paper
I curl upin the fetal position
now, that's...
That's for sure.
But I do love these expressions.
"Curl up and read a good book" or
you know, "a bird in the hand
is worth two in the bush".
Did someone have a bird in the hand
and said:
"There's two in the bush.
Yeah, but I got one in the handso...
- But there's two in the bush.
- Yes, but I gotone in the hand
and that's worth two inthe bush.
- It is?
- Yes
one in the handis worth two inthe bush."
Why do you call it the hand?
It's your hand.
Why do you say "the hand"?
"For Pete's sake!"
Who is Pete, and why are we doing
everything for hissake?
"Fit as a fiddle."
Is that a good shape? I don't know.
My favorite expression is,
"best thingsince sliced bread."
Really, Is that the benchmark
right there? That's...
Sliced bread really came about...
In 1928somebody decided
to slice it, in 1928.
That's not that long ago.
Bread has beenaround forever.
Jesus broke bread.
He didn't even know how to slice it.
I mean all throughout history,
no one sliced it?
Like, soldiers withswords,
they're putting their swords down
so theycould grab bread
and gnaw on it, like...
They probably "took a stab at it"
which iswhere that expression came from.
They stabbed at it...
with their sword.
Nothing happened, so they just...
And then finally, in 1928, some gay guy,
you know he was gay, for sure.
I mean...
"I refuse to be a barbarian anymore.
I'm slicing it.
Heathens."
He was popular, too.
I mean, the fact
that he has that, you know,
title of slicedbread...
Like he was probably at a party
in the '20s.
Can you imagine
that Thomas Edison isthere
and the Wright brothers and...
"Is theguy who sliced the bread here?
I heard he was coming to the party.
Is he here?"
I mean, it should be
like best thing since...
fire, or the wheel, or the ladder.
You know...
I mean, the ladder,
we take that for granted.
I know you don't think
that's asimportant but it really is.
What did we do before the ladder?
We all had to have a tall friend
to reachthings for us.
You know...
It was probably a tallguy
who invented the ladder going:
"I haveaspirations of my own.
I am not gonna...
continue to do this the whole time."
The ladder is an adult purchase
if youreally think about it.
You don't buy a ladder
when you're ateenager.
You buy a ladder
when you're anadult.
When when you have a house,
and the bigger the house the more ladders.
I have a lot of ladders...
I have a six-foot,I have an eight-foot
I have the extension,
the 20-foot aluminum.
And when I married Portia,
she had alittle ladder.
So I have a step ladder,
but I love it just the same, I do.
I wrote that at 3 a.m.
I thought either this is gonna be
the worst joke I've ever written...
or the best.
I've decided, it's the best.
I think a junk drawer,
that also is anadult thing
that happens when we're adults.
We get a junk drawer.
If you go home, we all havethe same
stuff in our junk drawer.
We all have...
For some reason we won'tthrow
a rubber band away
There are tons of rubber bands
like 24 rubber bandsare in there, like...
in case, a bunch of little girlscome over
for pigtails one day. I don't know...
There's a red ink pen in there just...
in case you have to grade papers
or something. I don't know, just like...
There's a roll of Scotch tape
that's out of the container,
just the roll, and it's...
You can't get it started
'cause it's half-waybroken anyway
and you just keep it.
There's a AA battery. Does it work?
I don't know, I just don't...
I put it in there.
There's a key and you don't know
what it's to.
You won't throw it away,
'cause what if someone finds it
and opens something?
What do they... like...
Walk around, opening...
I heard someone say that a junk drawer
is ametaphor for your life.
Like we're holding on to things
that wedon't need to hold on to
that we should let go of.
I don't know ifthat's true.
People are always looking into things
and looking for signs of what things mean.
I don't know, I...
For a while there, I was...
Every time I looked at the clock
it was 11:11
and every time, and I startedwondering,
like, what does this mean?
And for me it was a dead battery, but...
We all have people, that we know,
that look into signs way toomuch.
You know, they'll be like: "I don't know
if I should be in thisrelationship.
There's a squirrel. Squirrels live
in trees. Trees have leaves.
I should leavehim."
I think we're all looking for signs
because we're all looking for validation
that we're on the right path.
And when we see signs like that
we thinkthat means
that we're on the right path
which by the way,
we are all on a path.
We're all on our own individual path.
Nobody should be on anybody else's path.
We should be on our own path.
Unless you're lost in the woods
and yousee a path. Follow that, but...
I think that signs do help us
and Ithink that if we pay attention
to thosesigns, they do guide us.
And some signsare easier...
to spot than others. And I hadsomething
that was pretty significant
that happened to me and...
I didn't even know I was struggling
with coming out.
I mean, whenever you're closeted,
you're always thinking about it.
It's on your mind 'causeyou're worried
that someone's gonna find out.
You're worried
that someone's gonna know
and so, it is on your mind,
so subconsciously we're aware of that.
But Ididn't realize that
until I had thisdream.
I had a dream that I was holding
a baby finch, like a little precious bird
and itwas my pet and I put it back
in its cagewhich was this beautiful
multi-tiered bamboo cage
and the bird became me,
when it went intothe cage and...
all of a sudden it realized
that it was up against the window
all alone, and the window was open
and the bars were wide enough
for the bird to flyout.
And it had been the whole time.
And I looked at the bird and Isaid:
"Don't leave, you're safe in here."
And the bird looked at me and said:
"I don'tbelong in here."
And flew out.
And the nextmorning,
I woke up and I said:
"I'm coming out."
And...
before I had that dream
I didn't realizeI was in a cage.
I had no idea I was in a cage.
I had a great life.
I had a successful sitcom.
I had fame, I had money,
I had everythingthat I thought...
that was important.
But I was hiding apart of myself
and whenever we hideanything
from anybody, it's because...
we're worried about
what someone elseis gonna think of us.
And, even though...
I knew that was gonna be difficult.
I had gotten to the point
where it wasmore important for me
to feel proud ofwho I was
and live my truth
than worryabout
what other people thought of me.
And...
And that time, after I came out,was...
really oneof the hardest periods
of my life, itwas.
But it was the best part of my journey.
Because it is when I realized
how strong I was.
It's when I learned compassion.
It's when I learned
that the truth willalways win.
And...
That's when you grow.
Like everyone has a fear
everyone's scared ofsomething.
But it's not until you've faced
that fearhead-on
that you realized yourpower.
And that's when you grow
and that'swhat we all want.
We wanna grow,
we wanna feel good about ourselves
we wanna feel proud of who we are...
We're all the same.
So, whether your bathmat scoot
is 50scoots to get to the towel
or three scoots to get to the towel...
Whether you're gay,
or have dry eye...
We are all the same...
and we are all...
relatable.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
That is lovely energy.
I appreciate it.
Thank you so much
for being here,Seattle.
So it's been 15 years
since I've donestand-up
and when I decided to do thisspecial
a friend of mine was at my house
and I told him:
"I'm going to do stand upagain."
And he said: "Really?"
And I said:
"Yeah. I was hoping for more of a really."
But it was really.
And I said: "Yes, why?"
And he said:
"Well, do you think
you're still relatable?"
And...
I said: "Yes, I do think
I'm still relatable.
I'm a human being."
He said: "Well, I mean, your life
has changed so much."
And... Isaid:
"I know but I still think I'mrelatable."
And anyway, just then, Batu,my butler,
stepped into the library...
and...
He announced
that my breakfast was readyand I...
I said: "We'll continue this conversation
another time.
This is... ridiculous."
And... hum...
So I'm sitting in the solarium
eating mybreakfast and...
I was on my third or fourth bite
of cutepineapple that Batu was feeding me
and...
I said: "Batu, I'm not hungry,
I've lost my appetite.
My friend has really upset me
by what hesaid."
And...
he said: "Well then,
I shall draw you a bathma'am."
And...
I said: "You don't have to announceit
all the time.Just draw the bath."
So I'm sitting in the tub
and I'm lookingout of the window
at the rose garden and...
Tatiana was tending
to the roses and...
I knocked.
"Ma'am."
And... anyway. I get out of the tub
and Batu hadforgotten to put the towel
next to thetub.
Again!
And...
So, I had to do that bathmat scoot
all theway across...
the bathroom to get to the towel.
And, it's a big...
You can imagine howbig the bathroom is.
It's like...
Doing the bathmat scoot.
And then I stopped and I was like:
"Oh myGod...
this is relatable."
People do the bathmat scoot
when thebutler forgets to put the towel
next to the tub.
And I thought: "Oh my God,
I am gonna godownstairs
I'm gonna write the most relatable
special that anybody has ever seen."
So after Lupita got me dressed
and combedmy hair...
I just couldn't wait, I was just...
the whole way down the escalator,
I'm like, this is gonna be so good.
So I get downstairs
and my friend isstill down
wandering around in thehallway
and I'm like: "What are you still
doing here?"
And he's like: "I'm lost."
And I'm like: "Ohmy God."
"How many times
have I shown you the frontdoor?
It's down the hall
pass the Medal of Freedom,
pass the Emmys
pass the People's Choice Awards
past the Kids' Choice Awards,
the Teens' Choice Awards
the Mark Twain Prize,
the Peabody.
Take a left at the gift shop,
and that is the front door."
I think people have a tendency...
We look atsomebody
and we decide we know all aboutthem.
We put someone in a box so,
you know
I think everyone thinksthat all
celebrities live exactly the same.
Like weall live behind big gold gates
down along winding driveway and...
to a big round motor court with a...
fountain in the center
shooting up in the air and...
double doorsleading to a two-story
entrance andmatching curved staircases
to the secondfloor
and a chandeliermade of crystal
and gold toilets, and...
What else do I have?
Gold toilets...
We do... We have a tendency
to stereotype people.
This is...
This is a true story.
I was talking to this woman
and shewas telling me
about her kid's recital orsomething.
You know, how people are, and...
I said: "I gotta get going.
I gotta get home to feed my cats."
And...
She said: "Oh, how many cats do you have?"
And I said: "Three."
And she goes: "Oh, you area lesbian."
I said: "I got news for you,that's not
what makes you a lesbian, it's..."
Nuts...
It's other stuff. It's...
I said: "I have three dogs.
Does that cancel it out in any way or..."
What if I had two cats,
does that make mequestioning
or am I not quite gay at that
point?
I don't know...
I am still gay by the way.
Still...
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yes, I'm enjoying it. It's...
really working out for me now.
It's...
at the beginning, not so much, but now...
Yeah, it was tough in the beginning.
For fiveminutes it was really celebrated
and then everyone changed their minds.
But I really...
For a few minutes there
it really seemed like it was goingwell
and I thought
everyone in Hollywoodthat's closeted
is gonna come out after me
I pictured like a stampede
of wildelephants like...
every closeted actor andactress
in Hollywood...
But instead,
they were like littlemeerkats
coming out of their little
meerkat closets. Just...
"How's this gonna go?
Is she gonna be OK?
Before I make a decision
I wanna see how this is.
Nope, not going well.
I'm going down...
back in...
stay there for a little while."
I just think, it would help
if more peoplecame out.
There are a lot of children
that it would impact
a lot of kids would be helped
by that, you know, and...
It's not just actorsand actresses.
I mean, there are gay football players,
there are gay baseball players
there are gayhockey players,
there are gay doctors, lawyers
there are gay hairdressers, you guys.
I just think
when something istalked about
and when you seerepresentatives
of whatever the subjectis
it demystifies it.
People aren'tafraid of it anymore like...
dandruff.
I mean...
People weren't talking about dandruff.
Everybody was all nervous about dandruff
and then Sofia Vergara does this
Head & Shoulders commercial...
Her son has dandruff.
He's a handsome boy.
We don't care.
He's got dandruff.
Nobody's worried about talking
about dandruff anymore, you know.
Jen Aniston has dry eye.
We know that now.
She's your friend,
she's my friend.
She has dry eye and that's okay.
She's actually... She is my friend
and shehid that from me.
I had to learn about it
on the commercial. She was...
ashamed.
So, I think, you know,
if more gay peoplewould endorse...
and not in acommercial,
like, but, although...
Can you imagine:
"Hi, I'm Ellen DeGeneres.
Now I'd like to talk to you aboutgay.
Do you find yourself in love with,
attracted toor just curious
about the same sex?
Maybe it's time you try gay.
You'll notice the difference
in as littleas 48 hours.
And I should know.
I'm not just a spokesperson, I'm a gay.
Side effects may include: Loss of family,
loss of friends, unemployment."
Yep, unemployment is a side effect.
That is definitely...
I lost my sitcom whenI came out and...
It's not like nobodywarned me.
I mean everybody warned me.
My publicist,my agent, my manager
anyone making moneyoff of me said:
"Don't do it."
But, you know,
my worst fears came true because...
you know, and that's why
people stay closeted.
The same people who lovedme,
overnight, just hated me.
Just becausethey knew I was gay.
Everything changed.
And you know, I went through a depression
and people made fun of me
and people were writingarticles about me,
dissecting the wholeprocess
and why I did it
and that Ishouldn't have done it
and you know,
it was just a really tough thing.
It took three years for me
to get back ontelevision.
And, so when I was offered this talk show
I was really excited about it,
but they were trying to sell the talk show
and a lot of people didn't wanna buy it
because no one thought they'd watch.
There was this one station manager,
and this is a quote:
"No one's gonna watch it.
No one's gonna watch
a lesbian duringthe day."
I said: "Well, they weren't watchingme
at night. What time of day is good for...
a lesbian?"
So...
Yeah, and then I get on the air
in the first season.
I'm sure you have it archived.
if you lookback at the first season.
I kinda had to tone it down a little bit,
I had to dress differently.
I was, you know...
My hair was different.
I had to wear necklaces,
crazy things, really. Just...
"Is Ellen wearing a necklace?
It's very delicate.
She may not be gay anymore,
I don't know.
Does she still have the cats?
She may not be gay."
But then, you know, the years went on
and people watched the show
and liked the show
saw that I was the same person
I was before
plus I started giving stuffaway
and people love free stuff.
Oh yeah!
"I got a TV from the gay lady.
I sure do like her."
Yeah, so, starting season 16
this year and now...
So, it turns out they'll watch a lesbian
during the day. They...
So, now everybody's pretty cool
with thefact I'm gay.
Everybody's fine with that.
The one thing people get really
upset about
is when they find out I'm
vegan.
Oh boy.
"You're vegan?
Where do you get your protein?
Why do you care
where I get my protein?
Where do you get your riboflavin?"
It's hard to be vegan.
If you go to a restaurant,
unless it'sa vegan restaurant.
they don't know what to do.
You know, you say: "I'm vegan.
So well, then you can have the chicken?
No can't have the chicken.
- I'll get the asparagus.
- Well, that comeswith Parmesan cheese.
Can you do it without?
- Alright, I'll just get the salad then.
- Well, that's soaked in ham juice.
- Why?
- That's how we do it, don't know."
I'm not really vegan,
I say it for the joke. But I'm not...
Oh, look...
how happy you are.
Oh my God, you're so happy
I'm not vegan.
"Thank God, Ellen. I was trying
to laugh along with the vegan bit,but..."
And all the vegans are like:
"Oh, Ellen!
You were helping us for a minute there."
I was vegan for 8 years and I really do
believe that is great for you.
I was healthier than I'd ever been,
I love being vegan.
But just in the last year or two
for no reason, really. I just started
eating a piece of fish once in a while
and I'll eat eggs
from chickens that I know.
You know what I mean? Like...
If they're in someone's backyard
and they're wondering around
and they'rehappy
and they don't have a husband.
Do you know what I'm saying?
You know...
You know what I mean...
You know what I mean, yeah.
Some of the restaurants are trying
to figure out how to help vegans.
There's not a lot of option
at most restaurants.
But the fine dining. I love that phrase.
"Fine dining."
"- How's the dining?
- Fine."
They try to be so fancy
when you go intothe "fine dining".
"Have you dined with us before?
No, but I've dined in other places before.
Something different gonna happen in here?
Sit down and eat and pay
and leave, right?
OK.
Some of these restaurants
they have thewaiters that...
I get so much anxiety from
the waiters
that refuse to take yourorders
and write it down.
They insist on memorizing your order.
Oh my God, I have so much anxiety.
I don't know why they insist on doing it.
like they're impressing us in some way.
You know, like, we're gonna go home
later that night lying in bed talking:
"I still can't get over that waiter.
Oh.
Every single thing, he remembered.
Yep, the green beans.
I thought about that too,on the side...
Good night."
If I see
they're not gonna write itdown.
I'd say: "Do you mind if I write it down
and give it to you and then...
you take it in
the kitchen?
Is that okay? 'Cause...
I'd like it to come out right."
It's just so... I'm filled withanxiety
when they come up to the table
and they just come up and:
"And thelady will have?
Thank you.
And for the gentleman?
Shouldn't be a problem.
I'll speak with the chef and... yes.
And the green beans on the side.
I'll do that, thank you.
And for you?
Deathly allergic.
Alright, I'll remember that.
Yes.
No, deathly allergic.
I got it right there, thank you.
And next?
Thank you.
And this side of the table?
Excellent choice."
I hate when they say "excellent choice"
right after me.
Like: "What was my choice?
It wasn't...? Why?
Why do you say that to her?"
Some of the nicer restaurants have
the bathroom attendants in there
which is a...I don't understand
how that job gotstarted.
That was somebody's idea.
I don't know who started that.
I don't know if some person,
a customer in the restaurant.
"I'd like to speak to the manager.
I'm the manager. Was there a problem
with the meal, everything OK?
Everything was fine, thank you.
Delicious, as a matter fact
but when I went into the bathroom...
I was all alone.
Nobody was in there.
Alright, so you would like someone
to goin with you?
No.
I'd like someonealready in there
before I get in therewaiting...
listening.
The bathroom attendant
used to bea simple thing.
There was a woman in there
and there wasa hair brush and some mints
by the way,who's using that hairbrush?
That's...
There's hair in it already
and you just...
Now, it's like, it's grown.
It's like, now, there's anything
you couldpossibly want in the bathroom.
It's like, a whole bodega
is set upin there.
There's like...
There is a make-up display
there's is a curling iron,
hair extensions
crudits
Oh, are those strawberries in season?
Those look good.
You leave the bathroom
to go back to yourtable.
"I'm full, I ate in the bathroom.
I don't need anything.
Oh, and the hummus was good."
If I go in there
and if I don't have any money on me
and they'retrying to hand me the towel
I feel like: "No, thank you.
I can't... No.
I don't... No.
I don't deserve it,
give it to thelady there.
No, thank you. I'm good."
That's a job, there are so many jobs
when you think aboutit.
There are so many different types of jobs.
I like my job.
I have a good job.
I... a few years ago
I started ending my show by saying:
"Be kind to one another."
And...
Yeah, that's what I thought. But...
And it's a wonderful thing, it is,
but here's the downside
I can never do anything unkind,
ever now,ever.
I'm the be-kind girl.
I'm...
And I'm kind, I'm a good person.
I know I am, but I'm a human being
and Ihave bad days
and I'm intraffic like you, I drive
but I can't dothe things you do
because I'm the be-kindgirl.
You know.
I mean, if someone does something rude
in traffic to you, you can honk...
and let themknow
your disapproval and I...
I shouldn't even have a horn
in my car.
There's no reason for me
to have a horn.
I can't honk ever at anyone.
Like, if someone cuts me off
in a dangerous way
if I honk, they are like: "Ellen?"
Yeah, that and the dancing.
That was a mistake, too.
That...
I'm not a dancer.
I just danced as a joke.
And then I danced
the second day too good
and then the third...
And I was locked in, I was the dancer.
Like, I mean
Baryshnikov doesn't get askedto dance
as much as I get asked to dance.
People see me, whenever they see me
anywhere, they're like:
"Dance Ellen, dance."
And I'm like...
"I'm getting a mammogram.
I can't move right now.
How did you get in here, anyway?"
Yeah, I can't...
When I'm in traffic, here's the thing.
I love to drive and I like to drive fast
and I'm safe, but I do like to go fast
and so slow drivers...
irritate me, because they're goingso slow
and let's be honest.
It's usually a Prius, isn't it?
They've got the "coexist" bumper sticker
on theback
listening to NPR
knitting a hemp scarf...
If I see a Prius going fast, I'm like:
"Good for you!"
I don't know why it is.
Whenever we passsomeone going slow
we have to see what they look like.
We're always like...
"That's what you look like.
I thought so, I thought..."
There's nothing more embarrassing
than when you pass up a slow driver
to showthem the proper way of driving.
You goaround them
and show them how they shouldbe driving
and then you hit a red light.
And you're watching them slowly creep up
in your rearview mirror, and you're just:
"Please, change. Please, change.
Please, change."
And the light doesn't change
so theyjust creep up alongside of you.
"I'm just gonna look down here
and touch that.
I'm gonna see what that is,
right there,with that
because I have to see this and...
No, I know you're next to me but you're
still wrong, even though you caught up.
And I'm gonna do that with my finger
for a while because..."
I don't wanna judge.You don't know
why someone's going slow.
You have no idea.
Maybe they're transporting a bowl ofsoup.
I don't know, you know.
I really don't like to judge,
except forpeople who say "libary".
Then I do.
"Libary"...
Really?
OK.
The place with all the words?
OK...
You know what word's not in there?
"Libary".
No, I don't like to judge 'cause...
I do stupid things, we all do...
Everyone does stupid things.
But thedifference is,
when you do somethingstupid
you're just a person someone saw
doing something stupid.
When I dosomething stupid,
it's a story.
I went to a gas station
to put gas in my car
And there's a group of teenageboys
across the way and they're like...
really cool.
They were vaping and...
And they were like:
"It's Ellen,oh my God, it's Ellen."
And I'm like...
and...
then I realized I pulled up,
and the gaspump was over here
and my tank was back here,
on this side ofthe car.
They're looking at me,
and I'm looking atthem and...
I get back in the car...
and I pull around.
Now, it's still on the wrong side...
because I've just pulled around.
And they're still looking at me...
And I'm like:
"I don't wanna looklike an idiot."
So, I just filled up the back seat.
I just...
I'll buy a new car, I don't care.
I don't have that many
childhood memories.
And I think because my mother told me
she was rocking me
when I was a little baby
and we went over backwards and...
I thought, how fast
do you have to berocking...
a baby?
How is that soothing for either of us?
She said she held my head.
I don't think she did. She...
And she has no memory either.
I think we both hit our heads.
I'm not sure.
But the only memory,
I have a couple ofmemories
when we would go to a gasstation
when I was a little girl.
My dadwould only get
a dollar's worth of gas, all thetime.
Every time we'd go get
a dollar's worth of gas
so I'm like:
"Just fill it up once, just..."
And Ilook back now
and I'm like: "Oh, we were poor."
That's why. He had...
only a dollar.
Makes sense now.
I was raised in New Orleans and...
we...
It's a wonderful place to grow up
and Iwas raised Christian Science.
That was a religion we were.
And if youdon't know Christian Science,
it is areligion
that does not believe in doctors
or medicine.
So my entire childhood, I never had
a vaccination, never had any medicine.
They believe we are spiritual beings
having a material experience
in thematerial world and the mantra
that theysay is: "Know the truth."
And the truth is, there is no pain
unless you give it pain with your mind.
I was 10 years old.
I split my knee open
and my bone wasexposed.
And my dad told me
to "know the truth" and I said:
"Well...
the truth is...
My bone is exposing its...
material-self to the material world.
Help me."
And then I passed out.
Yeah, we never had a vaccination,
never had...
But they even kept, like,medicine...
I didn't know anything about medicine.
It's amazing, we were poor
'cause we never had medicine.
We never bought anything.
We should've saved a fortune on that.
But...
my grandmother lived with us
when Iwas a little girl
and if an Aspirincommercial
came on the air
she would getup from the sofa,
go to the TV
turn itdown, stand in front of it
and hum a hymnreally loudly like...
So you can imagine my fascination
with Aspirin when I was a little girl.
Like...
"What is Aspirin?
What is happening?"
Oh my God, it was just like...
I mean, we'd be in the car,
driving past the drugstore
and I'd be like:
"I'm gonna get Aspirin someday."
My parents divorced when I was 13.
I went through
sort of a bad girl phase, Iwas...
on Aspirin.
One, two a day.
I was like...
I was on Aspirin a lot.
My parents were obsessed
with celebrities
and so, hi, here I am.
Yeah, they really made it known that
celebrities wear something and...
I remember, Charlton Heston
came to town
and I was four years old
and everybody was crowdingaround
trying to get a good look
at Charlton Heston.
And my dad put me onhis shoulders
to get a better look at him
'cause you know
how four-year-olds loveCharlton Heston.
He was using me as bait, hoping
that Charlton would go:
"Oh, cute little girl."
And come over,you know.
'Cause people do that to me.If I'm out
somewhere and people have a baby
They'll hold it out towards me
like, for me tohold it and I'm like:
"This is cashmere, no."
But you know, so then I grew up going:
"Oh, celebrities!"
I guess,everybody's like that
but like, I mean, Iwas 16.
I was younger than that I think
Michael Jackson was in NewOrleans
and I was so... I heard where he was,
that what street he was on
and so, Ichased, I didn't chase.
I was walking, hewas walking,
he started running, I had tocatch up.
And...
So I was excited by celebrities.
I was really like, you know,
and like I said...
Do you wanna finishlaughing?
I don't wanna stop you.
Hm.
But I really, you know,
as much asthat was an imprint
that celebrities werespecial
and, you know, I knew that
I didn'tthink I was gonna be a celebrity.
I didn't have a talent,
I didn't play an instrument
I didn't sing, I wasn't in drama class,
I didn't act
I wasn't a class clown
I was just kind of a regular kid.
And Ididn't know what I was gonna do.
I graduated high school
I'm still lost
I just was doing anything
to pay rent and...
I shucked oysters,
and I sold vacuumcleaners
and I worked
for a landscapingcompany
I was a waiter, which by the way
I thinkeveryone should wait tables
at least oncein their life.
Yep.
That and coal mining
'cause that seems hard, too.
But I didn't know what I was gonna do
and my life changed
when I was 21 yearsold
and my girlfriend at the time
was killed in a car accident
And I passed the accident.,
it had just happened.
I didn't know it was her
'cause she wasin a different car.
I almost stopped
but then sirens wereright behind me
and showing up so I keptgoing
and I found out later it was her.
And... so...
I had to move out of the...
place we were living
'cause I couldn't afford
to live there anymore.
I had no job, I had no car, no money.
I moved into this
tiny basement apartment
and you could hardly stand up in it.
It wastwo rooms and...
I had a mattress on thefloor
and the entire basement
was infested withfleas.
There were fleas everywhere.
And I was laying there
and I justcouldn't believe...
It was the first person I everlost
that I loved
I was just... how isthis possible?
This beautiful young girlis gone
and fleas are here.
I don't understand...
what fleas do even.
I was so angry atfleas and I was like...
And I just thoughtthey must do something
because I do trulybelieve
that everything in nature
works together.
Even if we don't understand it,
it doessomething for something else.
And I wantedto understand this.
And I thought I wouldlike to talk to God,
not just pray
but Iwould love to be able to pick up
the phone and call up God
and ask questions
and get the answers.
'Cause I used to writeall the time.
I journaled and I wrote poetry.
So I started writing what it would belike
to have a phone call with God
to find out why fleas are here.
and it wasn'tmeant to be funny.
I'd never done comedy before and...
but Istarted thinking,
well, it would ring fora long time
it's a big place and then
he'd put meon hold
because he's a busy guy and...
Onward Christian Soldiers would play
but it was live, not a tape and...
I'm not gonna do the whole thing.
Go back and watch the special but...
Anyway, I finished writing it.
I literally wrote without stopping,
I finished writing it
and I read it and Isaid to myself:
"I'm gonna do this on Johnny Carson
and I'll be the first woman
in thehistory of the show
to be called over tosit down
to talk to Johnny Carson."
And...
I mean, I'm in a basementon a mattress
with fleas, never done comedy.
I make that statement,
six years later, this happens.
Thank you very much!
- That's well done!
- Thank you.
Yeah, that's very clever
and very fresh, and..
Well, that's wonderful
hearing thatfrom you.
No, I mean it, it's good material.
- Thank you.
- How long you've been doing it?
That was before I got my new voice.
That was my first voice I had and...
Sinbad dressed me for that, by the way.
That was...
I wish that was a joke, but it's not.
He did.
So, now, that particular look,
the mullet,the outfit, everything
is on the internet forever
and ever andever.
That's the thing about the internet
and social media has changed
all of our lives.
I mean social media is... I think there's
good things about it obviously
and we canreach a lot of people
and the world is more connected now
but...
we don't talkanymore,
our phones never...
if our cell phone rings...
"Who's calling me, who would...?"
You know, I found, Portia and I,
on a Sunday afternoon.
I'm laying on the sofa,
I have my phone.
She's laying on the other sofa,
she hasher phone
and we were in that Instagram vortex
that you get stuck in
and youjust find
all these different things
but instead of finding something cute
and sharing it and going over there
and saying... Like she's four feet
away from me.
We are just silently, without talking,
sending things back and forth...
Like, I'd send her this.
And she'd send me this.
I'd send her this.
She sent me this.
I send her this.
She sends me this.
And then I sent her this.
Yeah, yeah
Ay, I remember syrup sandwiches
and crime allowances
Finesse and nanno with some
counterfeits
But now I'm countin' this
Parmesan where my accountant lives
In fact, I'm downin' this
D'USS with my boo bae,
tastes like...
Yeah.
If you look up:
"Birds that dance to music."
You'll see,there are so many of them.
Birds... it turns out, love music.
And you can seethey have rhythm.
They are on the beat and Iwas like:
"Oh my God, that's crazy."
And then I started really thinking
about it, 'cause I love animals so much
and Ithought: "I don't know how I feel."
Because when people get birds as pets
they cliptheir wings,
they put them in cages
they don't get to fly anymore
but these birds get to dance
and theyknow music and they're...
listening to music
that they'd never otherwise hear
if they were in the jungle, you know.
Because the birds in the jungle
have never heard Kendrick Lamar.
They don't know who he is.
They're flying
and they think they've got it all
but they don't.
They're missing outon music
that they could be flying
and then getting down on the...
you know.
I'm torn, I don't know how I feel.
Because I feel like animals should be
in their natural environment.
That's what they should be doing.
They should be
wherever they're supposedto be.
I have an issue
with all the emotional support animals
that people areflying with now.
It's just gotten out of hand.
There was a woman trying to get
on theplane with a peacock the other day.
They didn't let her on, thank God,
but Imean, not that she doesn't need it.
Clearly, she's crazy.
You know...
I don't know what the requirements are
to get an emotional support animal
but Idon't think
they are too tough to...
It's the same doctor
that prescribesmedical marijuana.
I'm pretty sure that, you know...
- "Doctor, sometimes I worry...
- I've heardenough.
I'm gonna prescribe you pot and a pet."
Now when you fly, it's like...
I mean you'rewalking down the aisle
to your seat,which is you know
10B or whatever it is
It's like Noah's Ark.
There's a womanwith a ferret
there's a man with a mongoose,
there's a lady with a donkey.
I say 10B,
does a plane go back thatfar?
I've never been back there.
Are there ten rows?
Are there ten...
I just guessed.
I don't know, I just guessed.
People...
People used to take Xanax
when they werestressed out.
Now, they're carrying animals
around with them...
I...
There are somany pills.
If you look at the commercials
that areon the air, most...
every commercial is forsome type
of medicine, some kind of pill
and I don't knowif you've noticed it...
the medicine commercials...
The side effectsare so long...
that the people on the commercial
are running out of activities.
They don't even...
They've done some gardening,
they've gone on a picnic
they're on the lake in a boat,
they've gone to get ice cream.
They've gotten a pottery class,
they've played frisbee with a dog.
They're still listing the side effects.
"Whooping cough, back hair, crying..."
And it'sjust...
They should say anything at all:
"Side effects could be,
think of something.
Yep, you could get that for sure.
You might not but you might."
And then at the end it says: "Ask your
doctor if Trulicity is right for you."
It's like: "I don't even know
what's wrongwith them.
They seemed fine, like,
I don't know what it is.
Maybe it's right for...
I've gardened.
I don't know if I shouldget it."
"Ask your doctor
if Trulicity is right foryou."
Why is that my job?
Like...
You're at the doctor's office:
"Ellen, you seem pretty sick.
Got your eye on any good medication
you want to tell me about?
Trulicity? I...
That could be right for you."
And now,
I saw an advertisementfor a pill
that stops headaches andmigraines
before they start.
That's some good marketing
right there, isn'tit?
- "Are you in any pain?
- No, not at all.
I'm gonna give you something for that.
But...
- But I'm not in any pain...
- And you won'tbe."
I think that's why I don't wannahave to
take any of these things
I see advertised on...
I just...
I wanna eat right,
I wanna take care of myself,
I wanna work out.
I used to work out a lot.
I was working out like six days a week
and then I had a sports injury.
I pulled a muscle...
putting on a sports bra and...
Those are too tight,
they are too tight. They are.
Yeah.
And then when you're sweaty,
trying totake them off... It's like...
I've never taken one off.
I have 15 on right now.
First one is from 1984 jazzercise
class I took. That's...
I do have an injury that's...
kind of a problem for working out now.
So I was having pain
in my thirdand fourthtoe.
If you don't know, one had roast beef
and the other had none.
But...
So...
I've had this pain
and I went to gosee a podiatrist
and so he looks at mypods
and he said that...
He said: "You have a neuroma."
And I said: "You have a neuroma."
I said that to him.
Hum.
But...
I said: "What do I do about that?"
He said: "Nothing.
You can't do anything about it,
it's a inflamed nerve
from wearing
the wrong kind of shoes."
He said: "Do you wear like soft-soled
shoes, like tennis shoes?
I said: "Yes, that's what I wear."
He goes: "That's the wrong kind
of shoe foryou.
The best shoe for you to wear...
is a cowboyboot.
Goodbye."
So I had to go buy new shoes
with hardersoles
and when I was trying on shoes,
I realized, when we try on shoes
we do things
we're never gonna do in them.
We stand up.
"These are good.
These are good.
If I have to do that, that's good.
These are good, I like these.
That's good. If I have to do that,
that'll be good.
These are good if I have to do this.
Yep, I like these, I'm gonna get these.
Yep."
When we try on shoes
there's a little tiny mirror
on the ground.
For the shoes to see themselves,
'cause youcan't.
"What do you guys think,
do you like them?
I can't see.
Do you want them?"
Shoe salesmen are like no other salesmen
for any other thing you buy.
You say: "I'd like to try those
on a size six."
They come out with boxes.
"We didn't have a six
but we hada nine and a half."
And...
We try on everything that we're gonnaput
on our body except for socks, I realize.
We don't try socks on
because we trust...
Because the size is so...
It's likesize three through 11.
It really...
It's like...
It's gonna fit.
It's like your childhood, through your
adulthood, you wear those things.
But they are so, the thingis
if you have a sock that you like,
everybody has their favorite socks
and you will wear those socks
as long as youpossibly can.
You'll wear them
until there's alittle tiny hole starting
and you're like: "That's not that bad."
That's...
a simple little hole
that you can just...
Your heel can be pokingthrough,
it's like a halter top foryour foot.
It's like...
Little holes everywhere, you think:
"Who's gonnato see it?
I'm just gonna keep shoes on,
they're not gonna see that."
Then you go tosomebody's house
and they have a shoes-off policy.
I gotta get the fuck out of here.
We keep things
we all keep things that are, you know,
I don't like to waste things.
I don't like to...
waste food.
I don't think that's a good thing.
So I try to keep everything
and use everything
except for when ketchup gets
down to that...
part where it starts makingthat noise,
I'll throw it out
because there's no need in keeping it
when itmakes that noise.
That's...
But, like toothpaste
I will use everysingle bit of toothpaste
in that tube.
I will, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
And it's not about the money.
You know that.
I mean...
It's about winning.
When I roll it, I make sure
there's nothing in there, in the pockets.
I roll it real tight.
I'll take my black American Express card
and I'll just squeeze it.
Flatten it out.
If I have a gold bar laying around
I'll takethe gold bar.
Yeah, we all have our little quirks.
We all have our things that we do,
that kind of doesn't make sense.
But I think that one thing that we all do,
that I've noticed that is...
We all have our song, right.
We have thesong like:
"Oh my God, that's my song."
And if we're at a club
and that song comes on
you wanna dance but you will notdance
until you hit the designated dancefloor.
That's what I've noticed. Only when you
hit the dance floor, will you dance.
Got birds and I'm runnin', yeah,
bout a hundred, yeah
Girl, you looks good,
won't you back that ass up
You'se a fine motherfucker,
won't you back that ass up
Call me Big Daddy
when you back that ass up
Hoe, who is you playin wit?
Back that ass up
Girl, you looks good,
won't you back that ass up
You'se a fine motherfucker,
won't you back that ass up
Call me Big Daddy
when you back that ass up
Hoe, who is you playin wit?
Back that ass up
Girl, you look good,
won't you back that ass up
You'se a fine motherfucker,
won't you back that ass up
You got a stupid ass, yeah,
make me laugh, yeah
Make a nigga want to grab that,
autograph that
I'm sweatin' in the drawers, yeah,
hard and long, yeah
But if that's your song when you're 30,
it's still your song when you're 85.
...with the money, yeah,
don't act funny, yeah
Got birds and I'm runnin', yeah,
bout a hundred, yeah
Girl, you looks good,
won't you back that ass up
You'se a fine motherfucker,
won't you back that ass up
Call me Big Daddy
when you back that ass up
Hoe, who is you playin wit?
Back that ass up
Girl, you looks good,
won't you back that ass up
You'se a fine motherfucker,
won't you back that ass up
Call me Big Daddy
when you back that ass up
Girl, who is you playin wit?
Back that ass up
Girl, you looks good,
won't you back that ass up
You'se a fine motherfucker,
won't you back that ass up
You got a stupid ass, yeah,
make me laugh, yeah
Make a nigga want to grab that,
autograph that
I'm sweatin' in the drawers, yeah,
hard and long, yeah
Want to walk it like a dog, yeah...
At the starting of the week
At summit talks you'll hear them speak
It's only Monday
Negotiations breaking down
See those leaders start to frown
It's sword and gun day...
I am 60 years old
and I'm dancing to "Back That Ass Up".
Yes, I turned 60 this year.
I turned 60 in January and...
So, for my birthday this year
my wife, Portia, gave me
the most amazing gift.
She established
The Ellen DeGeneresWildlife Fund
to save the mountain gorillas.
In Rwanda, so...
So we went to Rwanda
for my birthday thissummer
to go see the mountain gorillas
and see the the site
where we'rebuilding my campus,
and it wasunbelievable.
It was really, really special.
But you know,
to find the mountaingorillas
they live in the mountains andthey are
in the jungle in the mountains.
And... it's a jungle out there.
I'll tell you that. It's...
And it was raining for a long time
before we got there
like a month beforewe got there
and so it was really muddy
and there's like stinging thistles
and allkinds of brush everywhere
that you've got somebody
hacking awaywith a machete
and you're trying to get through
and sometimes you had to crawl
this farunder, we're sinking in the mud
like, to our knees and...
three hours up the mountain at some point,
I was like...
Happy birthday...
to me
Happy birthday...
to me.
Happy birthday...
dear Ellen
Oh my God, it was so hard but...
It is so worthit
'cause when you get there
and you seethis thing
five feetaway from you...
So majestic, so beautiful.
Portia and I took a picture
and this guy photobombed us back there.
But yet, so you can see like her hair
is soaking wet
she's got mud on her face
and we're...
So we get down to the bottom
and we take apicture with our group
that we went with,
and you can see the mudwhere...
we had all fallen
and sank into the mud.
If you wanna see how happy I am,
if you'llzoom in on my fist there...
Yeah.
That's...
That's my "Happy Birthday" fist
right there.
Yeah.
The thing is, I didn't pack correctly.
That's what was wrong
because Ipacked to go on Safari
and I looked good.
I went on safari and I looked
like I should have been on safari.
I didn't have waterproof clothes,
I didn't have waterproof shoes
I didn't have the right things.
But I find, when we go on vacation
we pack for who we want to be,
we pack for this...
fantasy personalitythat we're gonna have
when we go away.
When we're on an island, they don't know
we don't wear white linen all the time.
Beads in a big floppy hat.
That's who we are, you know.
We just, we're like:
"Well, for sure I'm gonna work out
'cause there's a gymin the hotel,
so I'm gonna bring my...
running shoes,I'll run on the beach
every day. And then I'll do...
yoga on the pier.
I've seen that in the brochure, and...
I'll bring a poncho in case
there's abonfire on the beach.
I'll wanna have a poncho on.
I'll bring a gown in case
there's a captainfrom a boat
that I have to have dinnerwith.
I'll bring some books,
I'll read for sure.
I'm gonna read.
I don't read at home,but I'm gonna
read there, I'll have a lot of time.
I'm there three days,
I'll bring six books and...
Yeah.
Cut to you, sitting at a bar, drunk,
in thesame outfit the entire time.
I love that we imaginethat we're gonna
curl up and read a good book.
I love that expression.
I'm gonna go curl up
and read a goodbook like...
You don't curl up for amagazine,
you don't curl up for...
Although, when I readthe paper
I curl upin the fetal position
now, that's...
That's for sure.
But I do love these expressions.
"Curl up and read a good book" or
you know, "a bird in the hand
is worth two in the bush".
Did someone have a bird in the hand
and said:
"There's two in the bush.
Yeah, but I got one in the handso...
- But there's two in the bush.
- Yes, but I gotone in the hand
and that's worth two inthe bush.
- It is?
- Yes
one in the handis worth two inthe bush."
Why do you call it the hand?
It's your hand.
Why do you say "the hand"?
"For Pete's sake!"
Who is Pete, and why are we doing
everything for hissake?
"Fit as a fiddle."
Is that a good shape? I don't know.
My favorite expression is,
"best thingsince sliced bread."
Really, Is that the benchmark
right there? That's...
Sliced bread really came about...
In 1928somebody decided
to slice it, in 1928.
That's not that long ago.
Bread has beenaround forever.
Jesus broke bread.
He didn't even know how to slice it.
I mean all throughout history,
no one sliced it?
Like, soldiers withswords,
they're putting their swords down
so theycould grab bread
and gnaw on it, like...
They probably "took a stab at it"
which iswhere that expression came from.
They stabbed at it...
with their sword.
Nothing happened, so they just...
And then finally, in 1928, some gay guy,
you know he was gay, for sure.
I mean...
"I refuse to be a barbarian anymore.
I'm slicing it.
Heathens."
He was popular, too.
I mean, the fact
that he has that, you know,
title of slicedbread...
Like he was probably at a party
in the '20s.
Can you imagine
that Thomas Edison isthere
and the Wright brothers and...
"Is theguy who sliced the bread here?
I heard he was coming to the party.
Is he here?"
I mean, it should be
like best thing since...
fire, or the wheel, or the ladder.
You know...
I mean, the ladder,
we take that for granted.
I know you don't think
that's asimportant but it really is.
What did we do before the ladder?
We all had to have a tall friend
to reachthings for us.
You know...
It was probably a tallguy
who invented the ladder going:
"I haveaspirations of my own.
I am not gonna...
continue to do this the whole time."
The ladder is an adult purchase
if youreally think about it.
You don't buy a ladder
when you're ateenager.
You buy a ladder
when you're anadult.
When when you have a house,
and the bigger the house the more ladders.
I have a lot of ladders...
I have a six-foot,I have an eight-foot
I have the extension,
the 20-foot aluminum.
And when I married Portia,
she had alittle ladder.
So I have a step ladder,
but I love it just the same, I do.
I wrote that at 3 a.m.
I thought either this is gonna be
the worst joke I've ever written...
or the best.
I've decided, it's the best.
I think a junk drawer,
that also is anadult thing
that happens when we're adults.
We get a junk drawer.
If you go home, we all havethe same
stuff in our junk drawer.
We all have...
For some reason we won'tthrow
a rubber band away
There are tons of rubber bands
like 24 rubber bandsare in there, like...
in case, a bunch of little girlscome over
for pigtails one day. I don't know...
There's a red ink pen in there just...
in case you have to grade papers
or something. I don't know, just like...
There's a roll of Scotch tape
that's out of the container,
just the roll, and it's...
You can't get it started
'cause it's half-waybroken anyway
and you just keep it.
There's a AA battery. Does it work?
I don't know, I just don't...
I put it in there.
There's a key and you don't know
what it's to.
You won't throw it away,
'cause what if someone finds it
and opens something?
What do they... like...
Walk around, opening...
I heard someone say that a junk drawer
is ametaphor for your life.
Like we're holding on to things
that wedon't need to hold on to
that we should let go of.
I don't know ifthat's true.
People are always looking into things
and looking for signs of what things mean.
I don't know, I...
For a while there, I was...
Every time I looked at the clock
it was 11:11
and every time, and I startedwondering,
like, what does this mean?
And for me it was a dead battery, but...
We all have people, that we know,
that look into signs way toomuch.
You know, they'll be like: "I don't know
if I should be in thisrelationship.
There's a squirrel. Squirrels live
in trees. Trees have leaves.
I should leavehim."
I think we're all looking for signs
because we're all looking for validation
that we're on the right path.
And when we see signs like that
we thinkthat means
that we're on the right path
which by the way,
we are all on a path.
We're all on our own individual path.
Nobody should be on anybody else's path.
We should be on our own path.
Unless you're lost in the woods
and yousee a path. Follow that, but...
I think that signs do help us
and Ithink that if we pay attention
to thosesigns, they do guide us.
And some signsare easier...
to spot than others. And I hadsomething
that was pretty significant
that happened to me and...
I didn't even know I was struggling
with coming out.
I mean, whenever you're closeted,
you're always thinking about it.
It's on your mind 'causeyou're worried
that someone's gonna find out.
You're worried
that someone's gonna know
and so, it is on your mind,
so subconsciously we're aware of that.
But Ididn't realize that
until I had thisdream.
I had a dream that I was holding
a baby finch, like a little precious bird
and itwas my pet and I put it back
in its cagewhich was this beautiful
multi-tiered bamboo cage
and the bird became me,
when it went intothe cage and...
all of a sudden it realized
that it was up against the window
all alone, and the window was open
and the bars were wide enough
for the bird to flyout.
And it had been the whole time.
And I looked at the bird and Isaid:
"Don't leave, you're safe in here."
And the bird looked at me and said:
"I don'tbelong in here."
And flew out.
And the nextmorning,
I woke up and I said:
"I'm coming out."
And...
before I had that dream
I didn't realizeI was in a cage.
I had no idea I was in a cage.
I had a great life.
I had a successful sitcom.
I had fame, I had money,
I had everythingthat I thought...
that was important.
But I was hiding apart of myself
and whenever we hideanything
from anybody, it's because...
we're worried about
what someone elseis gonna think of us.
And, even though...
I knew that was gonna be difficult.
I had gotten to the point
where it wasmore important for me
to feel proud ofwho I was
and live my truth
than worryabout
what other people thought of me.
And...
And that time, after I came out,was...
really oneof the hardest periods
of my life, itwas.
But it was the best part of my journey.
Because it is when I realized
how strong I was.
It's when I learned compassion.
It's when I learned
that the truth willalways win.
And...
That's when you grow.
Like everyone has a fear
everyone's scared ofsomething.
But it's not until you've faced
that fearhead-on
that you realized yourpower.
And that's when you grow
and that'swhat we all want.
We wanna grow,
we wanna feel good about ourselves
we wanna feel proud of who we are...
We're all the same.
So, whether your bathmat scoot
is 50scoots to get to the towel
or three scoots to get to the towel...
Whether you're gay,
or have dry eye...
We are all the same...
and we are all...
relatable.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.