Elsa & Fred (2014) Movie Script

Everything is so difficult. I just...
Over there.
My goodness.
Marcello, come here. Hurry up.
What do you mean, Monday?
...it was supposed to be
taken off last Monday...
Well, because my
father's arriving today.
No, I told you I cannot do Monday...
I'm not afraid to get off myself.
Hey, be careful with that mirror!
Could you take down the "for sale"
sign on the windows upstairs, please?
They're all the way on the third floor,
ma'am. How am I supposed to do that?
Well, I'm not a super, am I?
That goes right upstairs.
Taco, get me a ladder.
Yeah, I know. I hate ladders.
I'm always falling off them,
but this woman is driving me crazy.
Armande, is that the woman
who's moving in next door to me?
No, she's not the woman who's moving in.
Thank God she lives in the suburbs.
It's her father. Her mother
passed away, she wants him nearby.
- Oh, what a shame.
- Yeah.
Okay, good. So, come on in.
If you want to change
into your work clothes,
you can use the room right back there.
I'm already in my work clothes.
Okay. Okay, great. All right.
Remember, my father's going
to be here any minute now.
This move is entirely pointless.
I was doing fine in my own home.
This is your own home, Fred. Your daughter
moved you here for your own good.
What does my daughter know?
I don't even know what's for my own good.
- How does she know?
- That'll be $9.80.
Do you got a ten?
I only carry big bills.
Fred. It's apartment 3-D.
So, Michael, do you think
that it looks better here,
or does it look better over here? So?
Did grandma look that pissed
off when she was young, too?
What happened to the car?
Were you guys going to ever
answer your cell phone?
- Where have you been?
- It took me two hours to convince him.
He didn't want to come. He's stubborn
as a mule. What happened to my car?
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Come here. Come over here.
I left it with you for one hour, Lydia.
One hour. Look at this. Come here.
Are you out of your mind?
It is not your car.
- It's my car, too.
- Look at it.
- Oh, my God. Who did that?
- You've wrecked my car.
I left that car with you for one hour,
and look what happened.
- I'm Laverne. Nice to meet you.
- Who are you, exactly?
- Maybe just somebody passing by.
- It was an old lady in an orange car.
- What?
- What old lady?
Yeah, who is this woman?
Yes. That's Laverne.
I found her here, and it
turns out she's wonderful.
What do you mean you found her? The people
who lived here before, left her here?
Oh, no. Around here. She lives nearby.
Oh, okay. That means she's
going back home, now.
Well, yes, but maybe sometimes she'll
come back to keep you company.
"Come back". This is a home caregiver...
Sorry. No offense.
You wouldn't, by any chance, be confusing
me with some elderly, mental defective?
I can look after myself
very well, thank you,
but I cannot have a
random person in the house.
But Dad, you can't do
everything alone. I'll worry.
And I have to be stressed out
so you don't have to worry?
Sorry. I didn't mean to be offensive.
But I will not have that woman
wandering all over my house!
Oh, hey! Okay.
We'll send her away,
but you have to go tell her.
No problem.
Now, now, listen.
You look here, now.
I already quit my other job.
What am I supposed to do now?
Well, I don't... I mean...
- Don't tell me you're late.
- No, I'm on my way.
Mom, I postponed a meeting
at work to go in with you.
Oh, dear, sweet, wonderful son.
Oh, you shouldn't have done that.
I told you I can go by myself.
I know the whole deal by now.
- They know me there. I know them.
- Mom, I worry.
If I have a problem, I'll call you
and you can come and pick me up.
No, no. Not the books.
I'll do those, honest.
Well, that means I'm going to do it.
Now, look. Let's get one thing straight.
I'll stay off your back if you stay off mine.
Fine with me. What does
"stay off your back" mean to you?
Well, it means if you want
to keep working here,
anything my daughter tells
you to do, you don't do.
Well, I'm supposed to take
care of all your needs.
Cooking and cleaning, that's okay.
I don't like that much,
- but what else did she tell you to do?
- Make you take a walk in the morning,
- and again in the afternoon.
- Like a dog? That's not happening.
- And then...
- Then what?
To make sure you change
your underwear every day.
- Do you have children?
- Yes.
A baby girl. She lives in
Pittsburgh with my sister.
Yeah, no. I can't see that.
I haven't got my glasses.
Just enjoy her while she's still small
and hasn't picked some idiot to marry.
And that must not be touched.
Dad? Dad, I'm back.
Hi. Got pizza. And as of tomorrow,
you buy groceries, okay?
Well, you should really go for a walk
in the park, Dad. It's so beautiful.
- Are you feeling better now, Mom?
- No, I'm fine. I'm perfect.
I only called you because I knew
you were going to call me.
What's life without your mother?
Thank you, dear.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
- Evening.
- Evening.
Come on. Move it, Mike.
There's something I want
to talk to you about.
Yes. Inside, first. Talk later.
I got the bank statement today,
and it shows a cash withdrawal.
What did you need that money for?
Oh, God, is it cold in here,
or is it me?
Don't change the subject, Mom.
I just want to know what you spent it on.
Oh, living. What else would
I spend it on, dear?
- We're talking about $2,000.
- Would you like the card back?
It's not what I'm saying. I just
want to know what you spent it on.
Well, are you going to stay for dinner?
- Because I...
- Answer me.
- What?
- You helping Alec out again?
No. Now, what has Alec got to do with it?
He's your younger brother.
You've always blamed him.
I think that I'd better get that.
I'm calling the police.
Not only did you damage our car,
but you threatened a minor.
Do you know that that's a felony?
Well, I've never even set
eyes on this particular minor.
- What's going on here?
- She's crazy.
I am certainly not crazy.
This afternoon... is she your mother?
- No.
- Yes. Yes, she is. Please, just...
This afternoon,
your mother rammed into our car,
and then she drove off without
leaving so much as a note.
Oh, well, that's ridiculous.
It's not true.
Oh, really? Okay, you have
an orange car, am I right?
- Well, no.
- Mom.
My son saw the whole thing.
Will you stop threatening my son?
Okay, ma'am, please just calm down.
My mother's an old lady.
I'll calm down once I get
her full insurance details.
- Okay. Mom, go get your insurance papers.
- No, I can't.
- Why not?
- Because I hadn't made the payment.
Do you mean to tell me that you've
been driving around with no insurance?
- You could have killed somebody.
- But I didn't kill anyone.
- It's just a headlight.
- Two headlights, and a fender.
All right. Okay. I'll take care of this.
Just get an estimate, and give me a call.
- Okay? Thank you.
- Drive off in a heat.
Two lousy headlights, and then,
"my mother is an old lady."
You could have kept that
one to yourself, dear.
- Please, I was just saying that...
- If that woman parked her car
right next to me, right up against me,
what has my age got to do with it?
I mean, if I was 20, would that
mean she wouldn't park there?
When she calls with the bill,
I will tell you the exact amount.
Now, I'm going to leave
the check blank, okay?
- You just fill it in and give it to her.
- I don't know where she lives.
- Isn't she the new neighbor?
- No, that's her father.
Okay, so, all right. Give it to him.
- What's he like?
- I don't know. I've never seen him.
I called three times already.
Why weren't you picking up?
- Because I knew it was you, dear.
- Thanks. Are you okay?
Oh, peachy.
All right, look, your neighbor's
daughter called with a quote for the car.
- $1,500.
- $1,500?
- Wait, well, let me speak to them.
- No, no, no. No. Let it go, okay?
Just write the check and forget about it.
Oh, and not this coming Sunday,
but the following Sunday is Carla's
birthday, and I'm telling you now...
Since when have I ever forgot
my granddaughter's birthday?
- Since last year.
- Well, I was away.
I had something to do. I don't remember.
Two Sundays from today.
I'll pick you up at 9:00. Write it down.
...cooperation are enormous.
And of course, I very much
appreciated the chancellor's views
on the financial situation in Europe,
which we agreed could not be allowed
to put the global
economic recovery at risk.
Oh, hello.
Mr. Barcroft, you got company.
- Good morning.
- Good morning. Yes?
I'm Elsa. I'm Elsa Hayes. I live in
apartment A, right around the corner.
Frederick Barcroft.
- ...join with Germany and our NATO allies...
- Could you turn that down a tad?
...in their political and
economic efforts to...
- What can I do for you, Mrs...?
- Hayes.
I'd like to give this check to your daughter,
and you can call me "Elsa."
Oh, yes. The car.
Yes, my daughter told me.
You know, it's rather excessive,
you know, $1,500.
I'm sorry, what are you implying?
Well, two headlights
should not cost $1,500.
You know, I could feed my grandchildren
for a month, or maybe two, on this.
Five children and widowed father,
and unemployed.
- Your daughter passed away?
- No, my daughter-in-law.
She was so beautiful.
Taken very, very young.
And I try to help as much
as I can, with my pension.
Of course, there's April.
April's the youngest,
and she had meningitis as a baby.
She'll never walk.
Well, I'm sorry. I had no idea.
Well, how would you?
Is this your wife?
She's... beautiful.
- Is it true that she's no longer with us?
- That's correct.
Well, I'm a widow, too. 27 years.
- And you?
- Seven months.
The first year's the most painful,
but you'll get over it.
I'm already over it.
We hated each other.
Now, if you need anything,
you call me and I'm right next door.
Yes, I already pay a lady to
ask me if I need anything
and to hear me say that I don't.
I don't think you don't need anything.
Everybody needs something.
Well, I promised to take
April to the pediatrician.
that is a calloused, mean, old man.
- He said to give this back to you.
- Yeah?
He said you can pay him the
money when you have it.
He said that grandchildren are
more important than a car.
that's very generous of him,
but I can't accept it.
Ma'am, if I was you, I'd take
it before he changes his mind.
A bear with angel wings.
Artichoke with a tender heart.
A porcupine... with the
sweetness of a panda.
I'm going to the store.
Anything you'd like in particular?
Yeah, to be 30 years younger and
have a prostate the size of a peanut.
- Thank you, Laverne.
- Okay, I'll check it out.
See what they can do.
- Poor man? He's sick.
- No, he ain't sick.
Then why is he in bed all day?
I don't know. He's tired.
No, no. Something must be done,
because you can't just let a man just...
him... cast himself out like that.
Well, I tried, but you know,
he's kind of stubborn.
Oh. That's a challenge.
So, did that old lady across the
hall ever give you the check?
Really? Because I spoke
to her son about it.
She gave me cash.
That is strange.
I mean, I thought it was going to be really
hard to get money out of that old bag.
And you were wrong.
Count it.
So, to what do I owe this visit?
Everyone all dolled up to the nines.
Well, we just wanted to
see how you were doing,
and see how you were
getting along with Laverne.
Well, was an entire convention really
necessary to find out how things
were going with Laverne? I mean,
you could have called me and said,
"How are things with Laverne?"
And I would have said, "Fine."
- Come on, Dad.
- Jack...
What makes you think
you can call me "Dad"?
I mean, you've been in
the family for 15 years.
Even you should have understood
by now that I'm not your father.
Okay, Dad.
There is... a business
that we'd like get into.
I'll explain.
Fred, I want you to imagine
a big warehouse
and the rights to launch an
awesome product into the market.
Ladies and gentlemen...
"Never ever lose" glasses.
For the absent-minded.
They're indestructible.
But with this...
found them.
And just till you lose
the remote control.
Is there a remote control
to find the remote control?
Good question.
And a handy, convenient chain...
to wear around your neck
so it stays with you always.
Well, why can't we wear our glasses
around our neck and cut out the middleman?
Well, Dad, we wanted to know if you might
want to invest some money in the idea.
And we'll do all the work.
You just have to sit back
and collect your fat dividend
at the end of the year.
How much will it cost me?
Talk to him. Talk to him.
- Hey, Dad. Your hand hurt?
- No, no. No, no.
You know, Dad, I've never
asked you for any help.
I know that. You're asking
help for your husband,
whom you know I love as
much as sciatic nerve pain.
- Yeah, well, I really love him.
- Well, that is a complete mystery to me.
Well, I know it might seem strange
to you, Dad, but when I'm with him,
I just feel like...
I'm not afraid of anything.
But you should be afraid of
exactly that, being with him.
He's so sleazy.
Well, it's not just us
that we're asking for.
There is Michael, his future.
Yeah, all right, all right,
all right already. I'll think about it.
Thanks, Dad.
Oh, and by the way,
it's not $60,000. It's $90,000.
What do you want?
- Who let you in?
- Mom gave me the keys.
No, of course. Anyone can come
into my house as they please.
- It's a seaport.
- Sorry.
No, no, no, no. You're all right.
You can stay.
Oh, boy, do you stink. Whoa. God.
Smell that? I'm becoming a man.
Listen, Grandpa, Mom sent me...
Don't tell me you've come
here to take me out.
- There's a nice park nearby.
- "There's a nice park."
Why's everybody keep
talking about this park?
I mean, what's so great about this park?
Sitting on a bench, looking like an idiot.
Sweet, wonderful grandson,
don't you understand?
Grandpa doesn't want to go out.
He's fine at home.
I figured you wouldn't want to go out,
so I came with a plan B.
Mom, it's so hard to get taken seriously
as an artist... without a backer.
Didn't Sebastian say you could
do a show whenever you wanted?
Yeah, and soon as I show up to ask him,
he says to me, "you're welcome,
- as long as you cough up the cash."
- Well, how much does he want?
A lot, and they only do exhibitions
with other artists. It's not worth it.
Money, money, money.
Or... well, what are we talking
about here, dear? How much?
$1,500 up front.
- Who's that?
- F.B.I.
- Raymond, what a surprise.
- Did you give him the check?
Well, I went over, but he wasn't there.
- Mom, where are you?
- I'm in a museum,
and I can't talk right now, dear,
because I have a man glaring at me.
- Mom?
- Bye.
Pretty soon he'll put
a private eye on me.
Okay, I'll ask for the check.
You're paying, right?
I don't have a dime.
Mrs. Hayes! Please, please.
I need help.
- Just a minute.
- Mrs. Hayes!
- Mrs. Hayes! Mrs. Hayes!
- Yes, yes.
I wouldn't want to bother you
but this is an emergency.
- I don't want to bother you.
- Yes, I'm coming.
Please, everything is destroyed.
It's a complete catastrophe.
- House on fire?
- No, it's the pipe.
- I don't know. Mrs. Hayes...
- Elsa.
Please help me, I beg you.
Everyone's gone. The super's out.
Laverne is in Pittsburgh. Now,
I don't know how this happened,
but I was turning on the faucet
to get a glass of water, and look!
This wouldn't stop!
Turn off the water at the main pipe.
Where's your faucet?
- I don't know.
- You don't know where your faucet is?
Okay, I'm going to
find the faucet. Okay.
Wait a minute. We got it.
- Well, thank God that's over.
- You don't thank God. You thank me.
- I'm bound to get pneumonia.
- No, you won't.
Fred, help me.
- No.
- Please, help me.
I can't. My doctor told
me not to exert myself.
- No, just help me up, dear.
- Oh, all right.
Okay, one second. Let me
just walk. I can... I...
Here we go.
- "Help."
- What?
I'm certain you got pneumonia.
- Fred?
- Here.
- Why are you always lying in bed like that?
- Why are you always on your feet?
Where do you go? Why bother
running around in circles like that?
It's pointless.
I'm tired, so I'm in bed.
Yes. I used to have
a restaurant, years ago.
All right.
- Is this cream dressing?
- No, it's very, very, healthy
and nutritious and well-balanced.
I used to be a dietician.
How many things have you been, exactly?
Oh, Fred, you know, life is long,
and when you've lived so many years,
and you do things,
and you don't think when you're doing them,
they matter all that much, and then,
one day you wake up and you
realize you managed quite a bit,
and so much so you can't
even remember it all.
Oh, I remember it all.
Home, work. Work, home.
What's that?
That was my first life.
Over. I used to play classical guitar.
I had a career ahead of me.
I was fixing up my first home.
I had an electric saw.
You know, the do-it-yourself kind.
I slipped and...
severed my tendon.
Oh. Oh, Fred. I'm so sorry.
The only thing that was important to me.
Oh, that's a wonderful arpeggio.
Oh, come on. Now, play something for me.
You know, I used to teach music, so,
I know a good hand when I see one.
Leave it. Leave it.
That's only decoration.
I just don't have the guts
to throw things away.
Besides, I told you,
my technique is imperfect.
Just wanted to have a little fun.
Make some music. A song.
I don't care about technique.
I mean, so-so will do.
Excuse me. I don't do anything so-so.
I never have, until now.
Now I'm old, everything is so-so.
I much prefer lying in
bed than to waste energy
obtaining results that I know
will always be mediocre,
and that goes for walking,
talking, thinking.
Every day, worse.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
thank you for dinner.
Thank you for your help.
Just going to need a
little rest now. In peace.
Only the dead rest in peace.
Are you familiar with
the living dead? Good.
I am that rare case of the dead living.
I seem alive, but I'm already dead.
They installed it without a washer.
That's why it exploded.
Good job, Armande. You know,
what would we do without you?
I'll leave it open, Mr. Barcroft.
You won't have to get up to let me in.
Oh. I found the door open.
I came for your memorial service,
but I see you're quite active.
Oh, yeah. Peak activity
time around here.
- Well, thank you.
- For what?
For inviting me to sit down.
I can read your mind.
Please sit down.
- So, what's going on in the world?
- Well, nothing. It's all nonsense.
Then why are you reading the newspaper?
I read the obituaries.
I like to catch up on my friends.
Oh, Fred... Why do you pretend
to be someone you're not?
Look, this is who I am.
It's you that sees something
in me, that isn't there.
But it is there. You gave me the
most wonderful gift last night.
Even a stone wouldn't have
been able to resist those stories
- about hungry grandchildren and sick babies.
- No, that's not what I'm talking about,
- although, that was an incredible gift.
- Thank you.
No, I mean that you asked
for my help, Fred.
And asking for help,
it's showing your weaknesses
and your helplessness and
standing naked in front of others.
You were naked in front of me, Fred.
It's a special, precious thing,
letting someone help you. And you asked me.
Fred, the path to life is long.
Who said that, Gandhi?
Mother Teresa of Calcutta? Rocky Balboa?
- No, I said it, Fred.
- I'm back.
I got you a melon.
I went to the prostate counter,
but they didn't have no
peanut-sized ones. Morning, ma'am.
Now, listen...
- Mrs. Hayes...
- Elsa.
Whatever, Elsa. I asked you to
help me because I was drowning.
I don't understand why you see
that as being so important.
However, what does strike me
is that you say things to me
that no one has ever said before.
Please, what do you want from me?
I want everything between
us to be the first time.
Fred, would you like me to
show you the path to life?
If it makes you feel better.
Well, it's baby steps.
One step after the other.
One, two, three.
Baby steps.
Excuse me, could I ask for some
information about dance lessons, please?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Thank you.
For you?
Well, if not me, who?
- Excuse me just one moment.
- Thank you.
- Do we have an age limit?
- Not officially.
We just don't like 'em croaking on the
dance floor. Tell her we're filled up.
I'm sorry, ma'am,
we only accept couples.
Well, she's single. And I'm single.
No, no. That's discrimination.
And that's not okay. Want to know why?
Well, when you have a little
rosebud mouth like yours,
and it starts to turn wrinkly like this,
and your little boobs... which are
not much to speak of, anyway...
when they to start to fall like full,
ripe plums from the tree,
well, that is when you understand
you're interested in dance lessons.
- Is Fred home?
- He don't ever go no place.
- Where?
- Oh, he's in his hidey-hole.
H.T.C. Unveiled the butterfly "S"
at a press conference in Taiwan today.
- The new flagship phone comes with a 5...
- What are you doing in front of the T.V.?
- It's a beautiful day.
- Hey!
And you have a beautiful
girl to take you out.
I'm not beautiful, but I make it work.
- I'm too tired. I'm too tired.
- Fred, you need to get some air.
You're not going to start with that
"tired old man" routine in this house, too.
- I changed my address, not my body.
- You need to change your head.
I smell hamburger.
- I don't.
- Well, that's because you're used to it.
I mean, look at you.
You even look like Ronald McDonald.
What's wrong with a colorful shirt?
There are certain things at our age,
that just don't work.
Trust me, I'm your doctor. The more you
stay in bed, the more tired you'll get.
Go to the park. There's a beautiful
park right around the corner.
Just mind your own business!
I'm just fine!
Let me be tired when I want to be tired.
I'm going out.
Oh, Fred.
Oh, come in. Step number one.
Yes, that's me when I was young.
Oh, yes, if you'd known me 50
years ago, you would believe it.
We looked quite a bit alike.
And I had blonde hair, and platinum.
Everyone mistook us for each other.
Of course, it drove my husband crazy.
Sometimes now, when I now try to picture
his face, I can't, and... have a seat.
- Thank you.
- I mean, 23 years
- and I can't remember his face.
- 23? I thought you said it was 27.
Oh, well, if you count the four years
before we were married, that makes 27.
Sometimes, I say 23.
Sometimes, I say 27.
- Sit down, Fred.
- Thank you.
So, I see you were grabbed by Anita.
At the Trevi fountain in Rome.
Who is this Anita? Is she a character
in the movie, or the actress?
This is Anita Ekberg, the actress.
La dolce vita.
Mastroianni, Fellini, you remember.
Oh, I've heard of it, but I
don't remember seeing it.
Well, it's the greatest
film of all time,
and I have always dreamed of
going to the Trevi fountain, but Max...
he'd never take me.
I tried to convince him,
but there was always so much
more work going on, and...
But my dream was, I would be Anita,
and he would be Marcello.
But I suppose it was
not meant to happen.
So, I suppose you
don't even know Picasso.
- The dress designer?
- No, the artist.
I know. It's just a
feeble attempt at humor.
- He painted a wonderful portrait of me.
- No.
Yes, he did. I was a young girl,
and he was very mature,
but we had... we had a platonic,
but passionate love.
What do you mean by that,
exactly, if I may ask?
Well, it means that there was a
really crazy attraction between us,
although we never did anything. Nothing.
And one day he grabbed this piece of paper,
and he painted my portrait,
and he said... I remember it
like it was yesterday... he said,
"this is better than intercourse"
and I said, "Pablo, yes."
- Still have it?
- Yes, of course. I have it in the safe.
But, I couldn't tell you where the keys
are now. I'll get it. I'll get them.
you certainly have
had an extraordinary life.
It's true. A beautiful woman
can have everything she wants.
Well, Fred, let me remind you,
that's not me.
Oh, I know that.
She doesn't look like you.
Well, I have pictures of myself,
if you don't believe me.
I believe you. I believe you.
You're just different, that's all.
So, Fred, tell me, what...
what have you gotten out of life?
Oh, 40 years of telecommunications,
a bum marriage,
a ball-breaking daughter,
who I'm fond of, occasionally,
one or two friends,
and that's my 80 years.
You're 80?
- You're... you're older than me.
- Really?
Well, that sentence
didn't come out right.
I'm 74. You're with a
younger woman. Yeah.
Tell me, with all your 80 years being
on this earth, how much did you laugh?
Very little.
Well, stick with me, Fred, and...
have a drink and try the pastries.
Why don't you play me something?
No, I asked you first. You play something
for me, then I'll play something for you.
You're going to have
to wait a long time.
Remember, baby steps.
You're ready for the second?
Oh, it's so beautiful!
Well, I don't see anything
out of the ordinary.
Children regurgitating their food.
Old people sitting around on benches,
waiting to pop their clogs.
Oh, come on. Tell me, did you and
your wife really hate each other?
Well, she was a good woman.
We had our misunderstandings.
And that's it?
Yeah, she was a good organizer.
She organized everything.
Were you happy?
I don't know. I never asked myself.
Well, you know, we were just normal,
- like other people.
- Unhappy.
I'm sorry, do you think we could change
the subject? I don't like talking about it.
- Okay.
- In fact, I'd like to go home.
Oh, right. You're tired.
No, I don't like parks.
They make me feel I'm
already in the cemetery.
I never took my daughter
when she was a kid.
- I never took a dog when I had a dog.
- Fine. We'll go back.
Come, come.
Why are you so grumpy?
Excuse me? I need some flowers here.
Will you give me a hand?
- Sure. Are they for a lady?
- Yeah.
- Perhaps she'd like some roses.
- I've no idea.
Oh. This is your first
time bringing her flowers?
- Yeah. This...
- Oh, those are lovely.
Yeah, I knew you'd be pissed.
Since it's been eight months and
I haven't come to see you once.
The more you got pissed,
the more I didn't come.
Anyway, I never leave the house.
Ask around.
I don't even go see anyone.
Not even live people.
I wanted to ask you something.
Were we happy?
No. I know.
Just wanted to make sure.
You have got a show.
- Where did you get this?
- Don't ask. And not a word to your brother.
Oh, no floral shirt today.
- It was striped.
- Yeah, same difference.
You're right. It's the same.
At this point, nothing makes a difference.
I'm resigned to the fact
that we no longer have a...
value in this life. It's time to
wave the white flag, old friend.
You know, you could use
a caregiver. Laverne.
She has very little left here to do.
And I feel bad. She needs the work.
Oh, keep her close, Fred.
You'll need her. Oh, you'll need her.
Why are you so negative?
What's a matter with you?
I stupidly fell in love.
Oh, I am so sorry. Who's the woman?
- Well, of course it's impossible.
- Give me that.
Old women are old,
young girls are young,
and we... we're just trash.
Trash, yeah. Just like your coffee.
Fred, are you ready for step number three?
I'm sorry. You have company.
Oh, this is my friend, John.
Elsa, my neighbor.
- I was just leaving.
- Oh, you don't have to.
No, step number three can wait.
John. It's a real pleasure to meet you.
- Pleasure's mine.
- I know. Have a nice night.
You old dog!
What's all this about a third step?
- Oh, it's nothing. It's just a game.
- A game? How cute. What sort of game?
Well, there's nothing to tell, really.
Actually, it's a long story.
I lent her some money and
she wanted to thank me.
The fact that even you have a love life,
gives me hope for my future.
Love life? Are you crazy?
And what do you mean by "even you"?
Why can't I have a love life?
See? Congratulations.
- She seems a considerable woman.
- Well, why don't you consider her then?
- Go ahead.
- I might just do that.
I wouldn't recommend it.
She's a woman with issues.
All women have issues.
What kind of issues?
She supports her widowed,
unemployed son with five children,
she's a little unhinged. But go ahead,
you'll see for yourself.
You're jealous. I've never seen
you like this, in all these years.
So I'm supposed to trust you. Blindly.
Where are you taking me?
What is this third step?
Do you trust me or not?
You don't have to do a thing. I will
take care of everything. It's all right.
Hello! So, I'm not single anymore.
We're here to try out first a lesson.
- You have to sign this.
- Thank you.
Now, Fred...
Sign it? Are you completely insane?
- I'm not doing that.
- No, look... look...
No, no. I'm not going in there.
No, look, Fred.
It's wonderful. Give it a chance.
- If you don't like it...
- You're out of your mind, woman.
Fred, you don't have
to learn this dance.
There's so many that you would enjoy doing.
If you don't like it, then we can leave.
Elsa, good-bye. I don't want to
have anything to do with you.
Oh, God.
- Why are old people always so pissed off?
- I don't know. Who's pissed off?
- Other than you?
- I'm not.
No. Yeah, I guess you're right.
I'm pissed off.
- And then there's Mom and Dad, too.
- And why are they pissed off?
Well, Dad, because he doesn't have the money
for the remote-controlled glasses store.
- And Mom?
- Well, Mom...
Mom is pissed off at everything.
She yells all the time.
Sometimes, I want to strangle her.
Yeah, well, you can't now.
You've got to wait to get your revenge
when she's old.
She's doing that to me now.
Why does she want revenge?
Well, I don't know if I was a good dad.
I don't think I was.
Well, you're a good grandpa though.
- What have you gone and done?
- I fell off a ladder.
- Armande! What the hell?
- I know. It's, like, two months like this.
Who's going to help me?
I've got to find somebody.
Oh, I've got an idea.
- You looking at me?
- Yeah.
- What's Lydia going to say?
- Do we care?
Now, you go on, dear.
- No, mother...
- No, I'll catch a cab. It's fine.
Excuse me.
Hi, Elsa. Thank you, Will.
Are we doing our homework, Elsa?
Doing our homework.
But Wednesday night,
I forgot to take my green pill.
- And why is that?
- I was busy doing other things.
It's just the beginning, but I think...
- Well, maybe it's friendship.
- You think?
But I never did understand when
friendship ends and love begins.
But, in my opinion, if it's love...
It's so much so swift!
And then you... and then you
tell yourself it's friendship.
You know what? I'll keep that in mind.
Oh, well, you have plenty
of time to screw it up.
You know, I, on the other hand...
- You're not that sick, Elsa.
- Oh, no, don't lie to me, doctor.
I saw the test results.
I could hardly make it
over here, by myself.
Marcello, come here.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I got carried away.
I should never have taken
you to that dance school.
I just didn't respect your pace. But...
to show you I'm sorry, I'd like to invite
you to the finest restaurant in town.
I have no intention of accepting.
Oh, you're still mad. All right.
Then, let me see,
I'll say I'm sorry again,
and we'll turn back time,
and we'll go back to step two.
I don't need you to
teach me how to walk.
You made me look ridiculous at that
place in front of all those mad cretins.
Fred, you left me there.
You left me standing there like a fool.
- You really offended me.
- Oh, you're angry and offended?
I was just trying to help
you do something new.
- Thank you for helping the poor imbecile.
- No, you asked me for help.
I would have asked anyone with a pair
of hands to come and turn off a tap,
which some moron had hidden in
the most obscure place possible!
Anybody? Anyone? Fred, I...
I cared about you from the first minute.
And I am really sorry
that you don't see that.
Elsa? Elsa?
Don't let's fight anymore.
It's all I've ever done my whole life.
I'm sorry. I'm just a crazy old man.
I guess we're just two old fools.
You can say that again.
You go get dressed now and
I'll forget this ever happened.
How did you put up with him?
He's a very difficult man.
You have to take him with a...
Elsa? What are we? Me and you?
Ever since I met you...
my life is different. It's strange.
- Is it good strange or bad strange?
- Strange.
Fred, I don't want to get hurt.
And I've told you how I care about you.
I'm just wondering if
it's more than that.
I have such strong feelings.
- You sound like a teenager.
- I am a teenager.
Yes, you are.
A girl in the body of a woman.
- Yeah.
- A very beautiful woman.
- So it's good strange.
- Oh, yes.
Do you think we have a future together?
Are you blushing?
I love this 80-year-old man
sitting across from me, blushing.
How could I not fall in love with you?
Thank you.
Would you like some coffee?
Cappuccino, perhaps?
- No. Just the check, please.
- Right away.
- What is it?
- My glycemia.
Do you have any idea what
it's like to be really sick?
Put your finger in it and enjoy it.
Do you know what Pablo said to me?
- Pablo who?
- Picasso, you know.
He said, "what you should do is mock death,
and then she will be afraid of you."
You're not afraid of death.
Fred, you're afraid of life. Finger.
Whenever you're ready.
- Well, to life.
- To life, Fred.
My God. They're robbing us blind.
Let me see it, Fred. I invited you
to dinner, so don't you worry.
- Enough money?
- They're robbing us blind.
Fred, this is what we're going to do.
On the count of three, we're going
to get up and we're going to leave.
- Are you mad?
- No, not at all.
Because they will never notice
two innocuous old people like us.
Ready? One... two..
- Elsa!
- Three! Go!
Have you seen the old couple
that were sitting at table five?
- Yes, they just left.
- They just... Oh, my God.
- Come on, Fred! Get in here!
- This is insane. I'm not doing this.
We are not paying $400 for
a dinner, Fred. Now, get in the car.
- Get in now!
- Elsa, this is not good for my health.
- Are we being followed, Fred?
- I don't know.
Everything is fine. Don't worry.
Did you really think we'd end up in prison?
- It stalled. This happens sometimes.
- What's the matter now?
They missed us.
Oh, you're out of your mind, woman.
First step, second step, six steps.
I do all I can to keep up with you,
and you're totally off your rocker!
- Oh, Fred, come on. Everything is fine.
- Yeah, but why didn't you just pay?
Because it was a beautiful evening.
It was priceless, and when something
is priceless, what is there to pay?
Oh, my God. I don't feel good.
- What?
- Oh, no. Elsa, I can't breathe.
My left... my left arm hurts.
- Fred, come on, please.
- Get me to a hospital.
- You're all right.
- No, get me to a hospital! Please!
- Please let's not fight.
- I know I'm going to have a stroke.
- I just know it.
- Oh, of course. Okay.
I'm going to spend the rest of my life
drooling in a wheelchair. Oh, God.
I've reviewed all your tests.
Everything looks normal.
Tell me did you... have anything to
drink tonight or eat any rich foods?
- Experience any strong emotions?
- All of the above, and under two hours.
Well, I'm going to give you
something to help you relax.
Go home and go straight to bed.
- He will.
- If this lady will let me.
Ma'am, your husband's just a
little stressed. He needs to rest.
My husband? Oh, yes. He is...
We've... marriage is such a long thing.
He is so boring that I have
to shake him up every...
The wives... they're insufferable
from the start!
- Here you go.
- Pills. Thank you.
How adorable. Even after all these years,
they still want to fight and make up.
Well, this is where I found you,
and this is where I...
I will be leaving.
- How's the old ticker?
- Oh, it's better.
If you wait two more seconds,
I'm going to go.
It is too soon for me to ask
if I could sleep here tonight?
To sleep?
What step's that?
I've lost count.
Good morning.
Yup, it's morning.
It's not a so-so date.
- You play sublimely.
- No. So-so.
Hello, armande. How's your arm?
Dad? Dad?
- Dad? What are you doing?
- Taking a bath.
- Are you okay?
- What's it look like?
I've just never seen you
take a bath at this hour.
Ooh, stop the press. Hold the frontpage.
"Man taking bath in afternoon."
- What's this?
- A pair of shoes.
Is it Laverne's?
Oh, I bet it's that woman
who lives across the hall!
Dad... what are you doing?
I'm doing what I should
have done years ago.
Now, would you mind leaving me
and closing the door behind you?
- Does John know?
- It's my life, Lydia!
If I want to stop taking pills,
I'll stop taking pills.
If I want to have a bath in the afternoon,
I'll take a bath in the...
Oh, and while we're on the subject,
I've found Laverne a new job.
If you want, go down to the lobby.
She'll explain everything.
But why... but why, Dad?
You're acting like a baby.
I'll take that as a compliment.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Got a snap in my fingers
Snap my fingers
Got a rhythm in my walk
Rhythm in my walk
As the elephants say
Living in a great big way
On this CD, every song is this song.
Alec made it for me.
I love it. It's so stimulating.
It's like pouring caffeine into your ears.
You're crazy.
- You're a crazy, insane, beautiful woman.
- I know.
Keep a snap in my fingers
Yeah, we're going to need more tomatoes.
We'd better write it on the...
write it down on the board.
These canvasses represent my
dreams of the last few years,
and I'd like to share them with you.
I'd like to open the show with my
favorite creation... "Explosion... "
She's here.
Sorry we're late.
My car was in the shop.
"Explosion of pain."
- This is my boyfriend, Fred.
- Oh, hello.
This is my eldest, Raymond.
And his wife, Laura.
- Oh, Laura.
- Hi.
- Can I get you a drink?
- Yes, thank you.
Remember when he was small
and he would do those drawings?
I found them absolutely enchanting.
And you, on the other hand,
you liked arithmetic.
- Fred, I've heard a lot about you.
- Yes, this is him.
- So what do you think?
- Oh, it's very...
intense. I have to tell you
that I admire your dedication
as a man as much as an artist.
All alone with five kids.
That's got to be very difficult.
I don't have any children, Fred.
Raymond is the family man,
but he's only got one.
A daughter.
Oh, that must be poor little April.
I just can't believe you!
You embellished everything.
That story about those
children was heartbreaking!
But, Fred, if a story has to be sad,
it has to be really, really sad.
I couldn't settle for a so-so sad story.
You know, it excited my imagination.
Hey, grandma! Hey, gramps!
Why don't you two go tuck yourselves in?
You keep out of this, sonny boy!
Now, look, why... why didn't
you just tell me the truth?
Were you afraid that I was going
to ask for the money back?
I'll give it all back to you.
Yeah, well, the money was
for Alec's show, wasn't it?
But what is the problem with
a few things not adding up?
If you told me tomorrow that Lydia was
not your daughter, I wouldn't care.
All right, all right. Okay, okay.
Let's forget the whole thing and start over.
- Yeah.
- All right.
What else have you told
me that wasn't true?
- Nothing.
- Oh, you sure?
Yes. Positive. A hundred
percent sure. This is my Fred.
- This is how I like you.
- Well...
Why didn't you tell me about Fred?
Do you like him? He's handsome?
Well, what's going on? I mean...
What purpose does it serve at this point?
Are you trying to tell
me that I'm too old?
No, I'm... I'm trying to tell you
you're being irresponsible.
Oh, that's odd, coming from somebody
who's been married three times.
The purpose is...
we make each other so happy.
Does he know you're sick?
No. And it's your head if you tell him.
Okay. Now, tell me I'm beautiful.
You're beautiful.
Is the car right outside the front door?
Why? Why are you so
nervous all of a sudden?
- So what are you drawing there?
- Just drawing a little heart.
- Oh, you're all dolled up.
- My daughter's birthday.
- Mom...
- Hi, Fred.
He's your boyfriend.
Why don't you invite him?
Oh, he wouldn't be
interested in this, honey.
Children screaming all over the
place and junk food and balloons
and vomit everywhere. No, no, no.
You've got better things to do.
- Well, actually, I don't.
- Well, good then. It's settled. Come on.
All right. Thanks.
- Are you upset that I came?
- No. Not at all.
- Oh. You sure?
- I'm positive.
- You're looking kind of strange.
- Well, I am strange.
Oh, Alec!
- Oh, good to see you again, sir.
- Good to see you.
- Is this your gift to her?
- "Country morning."
Seemed like the most appropriate
painting for a girl of her age.
How is this appropriate
for her age, Alec?
- Is that a dead duck?
- Yes.
Yes, it is. It'll be worth
crazy money in a few years,
and she could sell it and buy
all the weed she can smoke.
Okay, come on, everyone. Let's...
Let's do the photograph now. Fred? Yeah.
Mom, come on. Come on. Come on.
- Is your father coming?
- At this point, I doubt it.
- That's good.
- Why?
- Because I told Fred I was a widow.
- Mom! Why?
I don't know. It just slipped out. Yeah.
All right. Everybody smile real big!
- Ready? Here we go.
- Yeah.
- Big smiles.
- Yes. Very good.
No, no. Wait!
Grandpa has arrived.
Gramps! Grandpa!
Son of a bitch. He showed.
- Is that your wife's father?
- No, it's my father.
Yay! Grandpa! Come on, Grandpa!
Come get in the photo!
All right, everybody.
Real big now! Ready?
Squeeze together a little bit more.
Big smiles now.
- You like doing this to me, don't you?
- I didn't do anything to you, Fred.
If I did anything to anybody,
it was to my ex-husband.
- I killed him and with good reason.
- Oh, yeah? And what was that?
- 'cause he let me down.
- I hope I never let you down.
Oh, Fred. He was so unfaithful.
When I found out having an affair...
I confronted him and
he denied it obviously.
So I needed to follow him and
catch him in the act, so to speak.
Did you draw him out?
No, I went to London
with some girlfriends.
And we went to a male strip club.
After the show, one of the boys
came back. Oh, he was beautiful.
He was very tall and dark and handsome.
He had blue eyes. His name was Steve.
And he looked into my face,
and I said, "How much?"
And he came to my room
and he was so affectionate.
And he was... he was hot.
When I got back, I told Max everything.
And he got so angry,
and I said, "Why are you angry?
You can do this sort
of thing and I can't?"
And he said, "Yes, because I'm a man."
Well, I did it. I buried him right there.
So now you know why I killed him.
Everything you say to me...
seems like such a lie.
The stripper, Picasso,
- the portrait.
- Oh, I can get the portrait by Picasso.
- It's in my safe.
- Come on, let's see it.
No. If we're going to trust each other,
you have to trust me without proof.
Elsa... I wish I could trust you.
And I don't believe you.
- Fred!
- You're a liar, Elsa!
- Fred, where are you going?
- A shameless liar.
Oh, Lydia.
If your car gets smacked, it wasn't me.
- Dad, where are you going?
- For a walk! In the fucking park!
Hold on, Dad. Okay, what is going on?
I mean, Mom is barely cold in the grave,
and you're seeing that woman?
- Would you mind your own business?
- This is my business.
She is not good for you.
Look at you. You're all red.
- So I'm red. So what?
- Well, at your age...
Oh, at my age, I can't be red?
What would you prefer? Green? Blue?
Just stop sticking your
nose into my business!
And give me back the copy of your keys.
- But... what if there's an emergency?
- Give them back to me!
I'll call the super.
Good-bye, Lydia!
Why did you come?
Because, on Thursday... we have to
sign the contract for the warehouse.
I have to order all of the
"can't lose" glasses,
and I wanted to know if you'd decided.
Well, I have.
- And?
- I'll do it.
Stop by before signing. We'll go
to the bank and write the check.
Okay. Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Good-bye, Lydia.
Oh, God!
Lydia, what do you want now?
- Good evening.
- Oh, good evening.
Well, you would show up
completely unexpected,
tonight of all nights! What do you want?
- We need to talk.
- About what?
- Can I come in?
- Yes.
- May I sit down?
- Yeah, of course. Of course.
Now, look, I don't know
if you are her husband,
- her ex-husband, her dead husband...
- She told you I was dead?
I'm sorry, I don't know your name.
- Frederick Barcroft.
- Max. Maxwell Hayes.
Look, Fred, Elsa, my wife...
- she's very dangerous.
- You're still married?
Well, technically. It means nothing.
It was long ago.
But she confuses reality
with her imagination.
She lies, and then she believes
her own lies, as if they were true.
- I loved her with all my heart.
- Yeah, but you cheated on her.
- After she cheated on me.
- No, that's not true!
Oh, she's got you believing that. Well,
that's what's so dangerous about her.
See, she transforms her
fantasies into something real.
When she cheated on me,
I caught her red-handed.
You mean that you went all the way
to London to catch her in the act?
She's never been to London!
It was here, in New Orleans.
I need a drink.
- You want anything?
- No, nothing for me.
I don't drink, hardly.
Well, she said I was a drunk.
That's one thing she threw in my face.
You know, one thing's for sure.
She'll drive you to insanity.
She lives in this dream world.
- Did she talk to you about the actress?
- Who? Who?
- The blonde with the big... you know...
- Oh. Anita Ekberg.
Yeah, her. Did she tell you about her...
her dream of going to Rome?
To the fountain?
Yeah, yeah. But she told me that
you didn't want to take her there.
But she wanted to get into the fountain,
for crying out loud! And dress up like...
What's-her-name? And I had to dress
up like that other guy in the movie.
It was madness. And for what?
What? To get arrested?
I just came here today to warn you.
One second, Max.
Is it true?
That when she was young, she...
she looked like Anita Ekberg?
No, that's a lie.
She was even more beautiful.
She was fantastic.
She was the most beautiful
blonde in all of New Orleans.
Don't make the same mistake I made.
Letting Elsa go...
is the biggest mistake of my life.
Elsa, what is it? I need to talk to you!
No, Fred. Let's talk tonight, all right?
You're my life, you know that?
Yes. Follow that cab, will you?
All right. Take me home.
- Elsa?
- I'm in the bathroom.
I've cooked you dinner.
I'm coming.
You've hardly eaten anything.
- I'm just not hungry.
- Would you like me to get you some tea?
I just want you to hold me.
This scene is practically pornographic.
What a woman.
John, can I ask, what is the prognosis
for someone who's on dialysis?
- It depends.
- On what?
The general state of the person,
lifestyle, age.
What are we talking about here, Fred?
Oh, Elsa's on dialysis.
I was wondering what...
what is the best possible outlook?
I'd have to know her history, but...
But what? Tell me.
Let's say it's not very promising
for a person of her age.
She'll die?
We all die eventually.
I'm an idiot.
Yes, you are an idiot, my friend.
What time is it?
It's a quarter to 5:00. Why?
Come with me.
- Good evening.
- Well... thank you, Fred.
Is this what you've been
doing all afternoon?
What plans do you have
for the next week?
Excuse me?
- Open it.
- What is this?
Read it, please.
- Rome. Your city, I believe?
- Oh, Fred!
- Oh, I'm going to die of excitement.
- Oh, I hope not.
You know, in the portrait that
Pablo did of me, he did my arm.
Yes. But then, my hand was
coming out of my shoulder.
You're adorable, even though I
believe a third of what you say.
You don't believe that Pablo
Picasso did a portrait of me?
I cannot be with such a mistrusting man.
Okay, okay. I believe you.
I believe you.
- Shall I tell him to pass by the fountain?
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
I want to discover it at night, like Anita.
I'll tell you when I'm ready.
You smile.
Oh, Fred, this is all so extraordinary.
I bet it cost you a fortune.
Did you take out a loan?
- No, I stole the money.
- No, come on.
Well, I just had it, that's all.
I bet you never thought you would
spend it on something like this.
You know, once upon a time someone
told me over an absurd restaurant bill,
that some things are priceless.
Did you see how they were
looking at you? Hello?
This man is mine!
Dad? In the bathroom? I don't know.
I'm sorry. I don't know.
I don't know what to say.
- It's typical.
- Come on. Let's check the super.
He left. But he told
me to give you this.
He left?
"Dear Lydia,
about the investment that... "
I think that if it says "dear Lydia,"
that it's for me to read.
"Dear Lydia, I've been
thinking about the investment
"that you and Jack suggested, and I...
"I decided to back out.
I realize that this will come
as a surprise to you,
"and that you won't understand
why I'm acting the way I do.
Well, I do. I'm currently in Ro... "
In Rome?!
- What?
- In Rome with Elsa!
"I decided to invest in our happiness.
"I'm sure that you'll make things work,
in one way or another.
- Oh, he...
- "One more thing, Lydia.
I believe that I wasn't..."
Oh, my God. "I wasn't a very
good father to you. And I'm sorry.
"Really, if in the next life, I'm still
your father, I'll try to make it up to you.
He's even trying to be funny while he
screws us over. Say something, Lydia.
My father's just never apologized. This is
the first time he's ever apologized to me.
- He's wasting his money on that old broad!
- Instead of investing in you?
No, he's not interested
in the business, Jack!
And, frankly, neither am I.
Honestly, if you want to do it,
you just have to find a way to do it
with your own money, okay? I love you.
Well, let's go...
- to the fountain tonight.
- All right.
- The cat.
- Cat? Which cat?
The cat has to be exactly
like Anita's cat in the movie.
It has to be white and small.
But Elsa, where do you
think I'm going to...
Oh, please, Fred. I've dreamed
about this for so long.
It's got to be exactly
like I dreamed it, please.
- I'll be there in a minute.
- Take your time.
What do you think?
What can I say?
I'm so nervous.
- Il gatto?
- No, but not until we get to the fountain.
- Amore, andiamo?
- Andiamo.
I wish I could've brought
you here in the summertime.
No, Fred. You brought me.
You're an absolute angel.
The kitten. Let me have the kitten.
- Oh. Oh, that's my baby.
- Sorry, I tried.
- It's almost white.
- Let's just cover her.
No. Well, we're not exactly
Anita and Marcello either, are we?
- Oh, un bicchiere di latte.
- What?
- Do you have a glass of milk for the cat?
- What glass of milk?
No, when they got here, just about here,
but not exactly... I don't think...
she sent him off to a dairy
store to buy milk for the cat.
Elsa, Marcello didn't go to a dairy store.
One of the film crew got him the milk.
Please, Fred?
- Fred, Fred, Fred.
- All right, all right.
- Oh, my...
- You all right?
- Yes. Oh, yes.
- Just stay there. I'll be right back.
Sorry. I could only get yogurt.
Taste it. It's good. It's good.
Marcello, come here.
We're going to die of pneumonia!
Would this be such a
terrible place to die?
He caresses her with his eyes.
He adores her as if
she were... a goddess.
And then, it's just the two of them...
all alone in the world.
The sound of the water disappears.
My love, my Marcello,
I'm going to confess something now.
I love you more than I have
ever loved any person.
Thank you.
No. Thank you.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- No, thank you.
I love you. I love you.
Managed to open the safe.
She left me a note.
She wanted you to have this.