Erasing Family (2020) Movie Script
(gentle piano music)
(clock ticks)
- Say that there
is a normal person.
She or he sees their
family, their mom,
their dad, their dog,
my perspective of family,
I live with my mom
and my step-dad.
My other brother lives with me.
My dad hates my mom.
My older brother hates my mom
and I can't see either of them.
It's not fair that any
family goes through this.
It breaks up your family.
It makes life
harder and you just
don't see the world the same.
(engaging dramatic music)
- [Francisco] Every 60
seconds, a child loses contact
with one parent,
permanently, because
of what's going on in
the family court system.
- [Christine] One parent
gets to be a parent
and the other gets
to be, at best, a visitor,
and at worst, completely erased.
- It destroys lives it
bankrupts people every day.
It tears children from their
homes and it just so happens
to be a 50 billion
dollar a year industry.
(protestors chanting)
- [Ned] It's an epidemic
that people don't realize
that this country and other
countries are going through.
Nobody wants to talk about
it until it happens to you.
- [Jennifer] This isn't
a father's rights issue.
It's not a mother's
rights issue.
It's a human right issue.
(engaging dramatic music)
- [Ginger] My parents'
divorce was so messy that after
I graduated from
university, I moved,
literally, half way across
the world to Argentina.
Anything I could do
to get away from them.
But divorce and its effects
on kids kept following me
and I made a film called
"Erasing Dad," "Borrando a Papa,"
that exposes the
discrimination fathers face
when they want to be in
their kids' lives after divorce.
The film's release caused the
law in Argentina to be changed
so that moms and dads
could share joint custody.
It also helped me to heal
and reconnect with my family
and I returned to
the United States.
I wanted to make
a follow up film
and after a post on
Facebook, my inbox
was flooded with
desperate pleas for help.
Why were all these families
reaching out to me, a filmmaker?
Why were the family
courts unable to help them?
I decided to tell the stories
of the ignored victims of
family court, the children.
- I was only five-years-old.
One day we were all
good, we were all happy,
and then the next it's like, oh,
my dad's no
longer in the picture.
- I didn't really know what
was happening at the time.
- My first memory that I
have is my parents fighting.
- I have more bad memories
than good memories.
- The day my dad moved
out was extremely hard.
I was crying all the time.
(engaging dramatic music)
- When I was born
my parents were
in the middle of a divorce.
So, the first time
my dad saw me I was
in my grandma's
arms in a courtroom.
My mom only had one photo.
It was a picture of him and he
was holding my sister, Cheylsea.
A lot of mewanted
to have a relationship
with my biological father.
I remember asking my mom
every day, "Has dad called?
"Has dad called?"
She kept telling me,
"Maybe he's just busy,"
and then that turned
into, "He's not your dad."
(engaging uptempo music)
I was informed that basically
he was poison to me and he
would manipulate me if I
was ever in contact with him.
When I was reading
the divorce file though,
there was a lot of things
I didn't know happened.
There's flaws in the system.
I've never known a life were
one parent wasn't missing.
(dramatic piano music)
- I think that as a child, like,
I kind of knew it was
coming subconsciously.
There's moments that I have
flashbacks where I can see
the door close, I could
be standing in the hallway
just hearing them screaming,
so I just kind of disappear.
So, when my parents got
divorced, I was 12-years-old.
My father was like,
"Pack your things.
"We're gonna go visit your
grandma for a little while."
- When they left, he
pulled them out of school
and I didn't know what to do.
I was so overwhelmed
with what was going on.
I was living up in Pennsylvania,
because I was in the military.
They ended up in Virginia.
(birds chirp)
- Karyn, my stepmom,
I also call her mom,
she came into my life
when I was about 14.
- Initially I was there
practically every weekend,
but the visits started to
decrease every month,
and then, I was stopped,
sometimes it was because
the children would call me
and say the didn't wanna come.
Sometimes, I would
get an email saying,
"Well the kids don't wanna
see you this weekend."
It was signed by my ex,
but it sounded like his wife.
- I was just so confused.
I really felt like she didn't
want anything to do with me.
- I can't even really answer
why the whole thing happened.
I was never on drugs.
I had no criminal background.
I had no psychological
issues, other than
being heartbroken,
because I lost my children.
(dramatic piano music)
- Me and my older brother
had a really good relationship
most of our lives, and we
would play video games together,
and everything was
normal, like a normal sibling.
- My older son always
looked to his father.
My ex-husband and I
separated and at that time
my son realized that if he
didn't side with his father,
likely, he wouldn't
have his father in his life.
So, he had to choose mom
or dad, and I think it was
a survival mechanism
and he chose his father.
- It just seems like one day out
of the blue he's
just angry at her.
- He would come home
from their dad's to say
I was horrible and demand
what their dad wanted at the time.
- [Lauren] Then he
would always say like,
"I wanna kill her."
- That wasn't my son, but
he was being so influenced
that that's how he
had to act towards me.
- [Lauren] Oftentimes,
she just starts crying
on my shoulder, but I
don't know how to help her.
- I get reminded everyday,
like "Oh, you're dad sucked."
- My dad and my step-mom
sat me down and discussed
with me how awful of
a person my mom was.
- I don't think my mom wanted me
to have any contact
with my father.
- Growing up I had
learn to hate him.
- As I got older my dad
said, "You owe your loyalties
"to me because I've
been here for you
"and your mom hasn't,
and your mom left you."
- It's a constant
reminder because
I am my father's child, so.
(engaging music)
- I began studying
parental alienation
approximately three years ago.
I started looking around
to people who have been
affected by this on
Facebook groups
and support groups, and
I didn't get any answers.
I thought, it's time to put some
serious scientific
attention to this problem.
Parental alienation,
the set of behaviors
that a parent will do to
try to distance their child,
or hurt the relationship between
the child and the other parent.
It can be very subtle.
They can refer to the
other parent in pronouns,
completely undermining
their role as a parent.
The custodial
parent really colors
the way that child
perceives events.
Obviously you trust and
love your parent and you want
to believe that what
they're telling you is correct.
That child is then expressing
and parroting back
what they're hearing.
How many of you have
had it happen to you?
Just by a show of hands.
That's about, I'd say about 40%.
I ask this of every
class that I teach.
It's heartbreaking to me to see
how many of you
are dealing with this.
I was trying to estimate
the scope of the problem
and we conducted a
poll in order to do that.
13% of these adults
reported feeling alienated
from one or more of
their children, and what
that comes out to is over
22 million American adults are
feeling like they are being
alienated from their children.
(somber music)
If there's 22 million
adults dealing with this,
that's over 22 million
children, and the mental health
consequences on that child
are severe and long-lasting.
(dramatic piano music)
- "I therefore find that
X is an alienated child,
"and that he has been
alienated from his mother
"by the words, actions,
and behavior of his father."
The Child Custody
and Access Report
found that Brandyn
was alienated.
I knew something
was wrong before that,
I just hadn't heard
of a name for it.
The judge did take away
dad's access for a month
as sort of a warning because
of behavior that was going on.
So, the judge was
really swift in his actions,
but the problem is
if one parents wants
to make things difficult
it's almost impossible
to get things in
front of the judge
if they're not turning
up for their court dates,
if they're hiding from
process servers and things.
They can drag it
on and the judge
can't do anything about that.
- I have went to
about four counselors.
The counselor, he asked us
to draw a picture of how we felt.
I drew a house, split
in half, with Brandyn
and my dad on one side,
and me, my middle brother,
and my mom on the other
side, and it was just cut in half.
(engaging rock music)
- I ended up leaving high school
in my second sophomore year
and went to beauty school at 15.
See how your layers
kinda cascade together now.
My ex and I divorced while
she was pregnant with Ashlynn,
and then we had a big
argument over the phone,
and the next morning I was
served with a restraining order.
This was a permanent
Order of Protection.
I kept everything.
It amazes me that I
go through all of this
and nowhere in here does
she say I'm a bad father.
Our divorce is our divorce.
What we went through,
what she did to me,
what I did to her,
what our relationship
was has nothing to
do with our children.
- "Your honor, I wish
it to be known that all
"I am after is to have
unsupervised visitation
"and joint custody
of my daughters.
"My children are
very important to me
"and I am very
important to them."
- This was the worst
paper I ever had to file.
- He's scared to continue
any type of attempt
for visitation because
of some threat.
- "I feel like it's
best to withdraw
"my petition for visitation."
- "Although, I have not
been afforded the opportunity
"to see my youngest daughter,
I love both of my children."
- "My ex-wife will
go to any extreme
"in her vendetta
against me and others.
"Therefore, I
withdraw my petition,
"and pray the situation
will change in the future
"and I will become a part
of my daughters' lives."
(crying)
- This is hard because
you're reading a letter
that your parent feels hopeless.
- I lost 'em.
- Here, I don't know when's
the last time you've seen this.
- Peanuthead.
- I mean they're just
pictures of his life.
Look how cute you were though.
I should give this to you.
We had good four years where
we were just extremely
nasty to each other.
- It was almost like this messy
situation through a divorce,
where it was team mom,
or team family in Virginia.
My family started asking me
about the divorce and my choice.
I felt like my support system
was right there in front of me
so it was a pretty
simple answer at the time.
- You can always look
back at a situation and say,
"Oh, I probably
could've done this
"and been a little
nicer about it,"
or welcomed her more,
or better conversations.
But, no I think she
disappeared on her own.
- Ow.
This is a transcript of when
I want to pick my kids up.
I rolled down the
window, asked Rick
if the kids were
gonna get in the car,
and he said, "That
is up to the kids.
"They can decide what to do."
(birds chirp)
- I was calling the
police, I called the courts,
I called whoever I
could think of to help me,
and they were
like, "Oh, no sorry,
"there's nothing we
can help you with.
"Unless they do something
physically harming
"the children we can't
intervene with this."
I just went through all
these emails in here.
This is all the stuff I had
to provide to the court.
So, I was more angry with
the courts than I was with
what was happening because
it was like, it's almost like
the thought that
there's no gray area.
It's all black and white.
It was almost like they
were looking to assign blame
to somebody rather
than figure out a way
to make it work for everybody.
All I wanted was to
have a relationship
and be able to see my children,
and I felt that there had
to be a better way to do this
and what I was
experiencing was not it.
- I think I was about eight.
There was a custody
battle that happened.
- When the divorce was final,
I saw my dad every
other weekend.
- It was supposed to be
51/49 my dad to my mom.
Eventually it went to I
was only living at mom's.
- My mom hired the
most expensive lawyer
to make sure that
she got sole custody.
(engaging dramatic music)
- [Ginger] The family
court system is mandated
to work in the best interest
of the children, but what
actually goes on behind the
closed doors of family court?
- If you watch any
of the law shows,
you come in today and
you're in court tomorrow.
That's not how it works.
You're talking usually
six, eight, 12 months
down the road and
during that period of time,
it's very traumatic
for children.
- Too many cases,
not enough judges,
I was responsible
for over 1000 cases.
Some days I would
have 15, 20 hearings.
- [Lawyer] But you
were in fear of imminent,
serious bodily
harm, isn't that true?
- Family Court really
sets the stage for conflict
because that is the
nature of the legal process.
It's adversarial.
- If the parent is
angry, I want the parent
to continue talking, even
though what is being said
is not relevant, you
always have to listen.
- Mr. Dehaven make
sure the questions are clear
and don't ask
redundant questions--
- If you have a parent who
has mental health issues,
control issues, that person
can keep combing back to court.
Even if a person cries,
"Wolf, wolf" four, five, six times.
- [Ginger] In criminal
court the state has to pass
certain tests to file charges,
but not so in Family Court.
One parent can bring the
other parent back to court
for something as serious
as domestic violence,
or as petty as not liking
the food they feed their child.
Family Court doesn't
have to find a parent guilty
of a crime, only that the other
parent is the better parent.
So, evidence standards
are much looser
in Family Court than
in Criminal Court.
- They are not looking
for clear evidence
to support or refute
either parent's claims,
and that's very problematic.
- We have a lot of
stereotypes that are negative
for the fathers, where they're
more abusive or aggressive
than mothers, that
they're deadbeat dads.
And we have a lot of very
positive stereotypes about mothers
being the better parent,
however if a mother works,
that is often used
against those mothers.
The other pattern is
that the father will make
the mother look
like she's crazy,
and everybody
looks crazy in divorce.
- [Ginger] While the
courts are mandated to work
in the best interests
of the child, nowhere
in the civil code is
this term defined.
So, judges, custody
evaluators, and psychologists
can make findings based on
opinions that they don't have
to justify or show scientific
evidence to validate.
- Approximately 28 billion
has been the estimate
of how much this costs a year
for Family Court involvement.
It's to psychologists who have
to get assigned or appointed
by the court to
make an evaluation.
They get paid 1000s of dollars.
Expert witnesses that
parents have to call.
It's an industry because all
of these pieces play a role.
- I've had at least four or
five counselors and doctors,
three or four lawyers, it's
cost close to a million dollars.
- [Ginger] Because it is
Civil Court you no right
to an attorney, this
presents a barrier to families
who can't afford to pay for one.
- The attorney I had
didn't wanna do his job
because I wasn't
able to pay him in full.
He could've talked about
the parental alienation
and said something
referring to that
and he didn't say a word,
because I couldn't pay him.
- I had nobody and on
a $600 a month income,
you can't afford anybody.
- [Ginger] How is
destroying a parent financially
and emotionally in the
child's best interests?
- Nothing I said mattered.
None of the evidence I
brought forward mattered.
The judge wouldn't
even look at it.
I mean, like literally
wouldn't look at it.
My ex said plain and
clearly that there was nothing
that I could do to
get to see my kids,
and the judge asked
me what I wanted,
and I said, "I want you to
find her in contempt of court"
and the judge wouldn't do it.
He said, "That's the
children caretaker."
And I said, "What am I?"
And he goes, "You're
the financial support."
(engine hums)
And I get a phone
call from my ex.
She said, "You're
children wanna see you.
"They wanna be in your life."
And I said, "How soon
can you come over?"
- When I first met my Dad,
at 10, I remember pulling up
in the car and he was
like smiling like ear-to-ear.
- My wife was elated.
My other daughter was excited.
- My dad took my sister
Carala, and I, and Cheylsea
to go do like a family
photo shoot thing,
and I just remember
feeling really happy
because we were all together.
- God, it was such a blessing.
- It was actually
a very good visit.
We met at a park
so that they were able
to play on the toys
and feed the geese.
- I knew he was somehow
family in one way or another,
but it's like I didn't know him.
It didn't really feel like
a father-daughter thing
because I didn't have that
sort of connection with him.
- I think I was
four and they got
to come stay for a little bit.
We used to play
Polly Pockets together.
- They made me feel very
secure about every issue
I ever had growing up,
wondering where he was.
He got a tattoo on
his back of my birthday
and I was informed by my
mom and my step-dad that
that tattoo got
removed and it hadn't.
The visits with my dad
ended kind of abruptly.
(storming)
- Me ex said, "You know,
with what they take out
"of your checks for child
support I know that you struggle,
"and I would like
to help with that.
"So, I have an idea."
- The last time I
remember seeing
my dad he was signing papers.
- Ashlynn's crying,
I'm crying, and I've got
my kid's step-dad telling
me, "Don't worry, I'll make sure
"she never takes your
children away from you again."
- By that point, Robert had
been their dad for a few years.
It just seemed
like the next step.
- I knew something
big was gonna happen.
- I've got here sitting
there telling me,
"It's not gonna change anything.
"You're still their daddy,
you're still their daddy,"
and the minute the papers
were signed and their car doors
were shut, and
everybody drove off,
that was the last
time I saw 'em.
- The purpose of me meeting
my father when I was 10
wasn't really about
what I wanted from it
or anything like
that, it was just
to get the adoption
to go through.
- I signed my rights.
I'm ashamed, I'm embarrassed,
I hate myself everyday for it.
(engine hums)
- It sometimes felt as if
my parents wanted me
to choose sides, they'd
be like, "What do you think?
- They basically
left it up to us,
whether we wanted
to see him or not.
- To pick a parent
at five, I probably
wouldn't know
who to pick at all.
- Oh that was--
- [Aunt] Look, wave to Aunt--
- Wave, go wave, hi.
I found out that
Brian was adopted
by Karyn I believe
through an email.
Ooh, okay.
I was angry and heartbroken.
- This is that when you adopt
somebody, everything about
the person disappears
and it all starts over.
- I think she was making a
much more bigger deal than I was.
She was really
excited, and felt like
she was pretty nervous or maybe
a little nervous to ask me.
- So, on it says
Certificate of Birth,
like I gave birth
to you on this day.
That's how this is written, like
it wipes everything
else before that
and now this is
your legal document.
So, if anybody
searched your birth.
This is what they would see.
They would see
that I am now on your
birth certificate as
if I gave birth to you.
- To me, Karyn was mom
and it was important to her.
- It's like that never
happened and this did.
- That's an interesting way
to make things happen, yeah.
- Right?
- Yeah.
I really didn't even think
about Caroline at the time.
- This is a card I sent to
my daughter that I took
a picture of so she
would know that I sent it,
and I did that with many
cards that I sent them.
This was a photo that was
taken when she was little.
Oh God, all right.
The adoption
paperwork for Katie.
I received an email
from Karyn, saying
that Katie wanted
to be adopted also.
By that point, she wasn't
talking to me anymore really.
She didn't want
anything to do with me.
It just says who we are and
my consent to the adoption.
- Not good.
My daughter
testified on the stand
and said that she
didn't wanna see me.
And it was in open court,
I watched the whole thing.
I was thinking right
across from her
looking at her while
it was happening.
(somber music)
- As soon as society
and the legal system starts
to ask a child, "Who should
you choose to live with?"
"Who would you
like to live with?"
Then right away,
they are asking a child
to make a choice about
who's a better parent,
and that means one
parent gets to be a parent,
and the other gets
to be a best, a visitor,
and at worst, completely erased.
(waves lap)
Like I would just say, "It's
easier to not to talk to her,"
and that was such an
easy decision, and in reality
there's no way that a decision
like that could've been easy.
So, in turn that's how I
started building my walls.
Like, "Screw you all,
no one's getting in here."
As a kid we just
don't want the stress
of having to
figure all this out.
- I think the parents a lot of
times aren't even conscious
of the conflict they're
creating for the child,
or the way they're
manipulating them.
One of the concerns
when you interview a child is
they come into a
stranger's office,
in an uncomfortable setting,
they've been brought here
by one or the other of parent,
the other one's
sitting out there.
They feel incredibly conflicted
and so I don't know that we
get accurate information from
children when they come in.
- What I remember
about being in court
was having to lie to the judge.
Sorry.
- I have one case that sticks
in my mind where the child
wrote me and told me
that all of things she had
complained about in
detail had all been a lie.
- My step-dad was
gonna be my real dad now.
I remember telling mom
something along the lines of,
"I don't feel this way
about my step-dad.
"I don't want my
step-dad to be my dad."
And she told me that basically
it was too late to say that
and it was out of my
hands at that point.
I was scared, to
be honest, so I lied
and I said, "Yeah,
I'm okay with this.
"I'm comfortable with
this, this is what I want,"
and I felt a lot of guilt
for that for a long time.
Like, it was my fault
that I felt that way
because I should
just rewire my brain
and think the way
they think, which was
I shouldn't have a
relationship with him.
I started smoking when I was 12,
cutting myself regularly.
I don't recall any kind
of follow-up or check-up.
I was never talked
to by a social worker
or a psychologist
on anything about it.
(somber piano music)
I had a boyfriend, I had
a talk with him one day
about my situation
with my father.
- She just felt like
she couldn't really talk
about her father,
Dizzy, around her mother
and her step-father and
I just gave her somebody
in her corner to
fight for her decision
and whether or not
she wanted to pursue it.
The worst thin gthat could
happen is you never talk
to him again, but the
best case scenario
is so much brighter
than that, you know.
(delicate piano music)
- I contacted dad.
I was on the phone with
my dad for the first time
since I was 10 and it was
like the most crazy feeling.
Then I found out that
my mom and my step-dad
started listening
to our phone calls.
I got into a very
vicious argument
and I ended up
getting kicked out.
- She had called me and let
me know that she was homeless.
She was 14 and I have
no legal right to drive up
and pick her up, she's not my
child according to the courts.
- They came to pick me up,
my step-dad and my mom,
and basically told me
that if I wanted to live
in that house and
have a happy family,
I needed to cut ties
with my real father.
The family kind of
changed after that.
Things were different.
People weren't really
acknowledging me.
People were treating me poorly.
Yeah, I felt like I was the
enemy in my own house.
(engaging dramatic music)
- And I think about 60
or 70 of these interviews.
Just like with domestic
violence, people blame the victim.
"What did this parent do?
"They must be doing
something to make
"this child not
want to see them."
It shows an ignorance of
what human development is like
and the power that a
parent has in that child's life
and how they perceive the world.
This child has
been brain-washed.
They hate that parent or
they inherently don't trust them.
They don't like 'em and they
don't have a good reason for it.
- My dad had my brother snoop
through my mom's paperwork.
- And I got to the point
where I resented going
with my father, I would
yell at him, I would say,
"I hate you, why
are you doing this?"
- It was always ingrained in
me that my mom was the enemy
and that I shouldn't
want to see her.
- And how much of
a liar she was, and all
these terrible things about
her that I knew wasn't true.
- [Ginger] What
goes through the mind
of a child trained
to hate a parent?
We talked to Candis, who was
brave enough to come forward.
- I became deeply
fearful of my dad.
Iranian culture is not exactly
popular in the United States
and my mom showed me that
film "Not Without My Daughter."
- We're not going
back, we're staying here.
I want us to live in Iran.
- And, told me this is
what your dad's culture is.
They're all kidnappers.
They wanna steal
children and hurt women.
- Mommy!
- She really wanted
to erase our identity.
It was really a
very slow process
of conditioning me into
accepting statements
that I otherwise would
not have believed.
My dad would go to hug
me and I would reject him
and I confronted him
every chance I got,
to scream and yell at him about
why he was a bad person,
why his culture was so bad,
and rejecting everything
that made him, him.
When I was at his house
when he would manage
to get visitation, I would
go through his papers.
I knew what I needed
to do when I was around
his information and that
was to steal it and give it
to my mom so she could
get him fired and this
and that, and that's
what she would do.
She would call these
companies and make accusations
pertaining to his
national origin.
That's one of the
hardest things,
because there was a
lot of abuse in my house,
growing up with my mom
and those scars are there,
but the scars of guilt
are just as powerful,
and I can't take it back,
I can't get time back,
and no matter how
many times I tell myself
or someone else tells me, that
there was nothing I could do,
that I was gonna be
powerless to this campaign
of denigration, and thinking
I need to tell somebody,
and the thought that
would always stop me
was "Who's gonna listen?"
They don't listen to
my dad, he's an adult.
"Who's gonna listen
to a 10-year-old?
"And then what's
gonna happen to me?
"They're not gonna
give me to my dad
"and I don't even know
if I know him anymore.
"What if some of the
stuff my mom says is true?
"What if I'm wrong?
"I'm just a kid."
(somber music)
(engaging dramatic music)
- [Ginger] After half a
decade in Family Court,
a drastic ruling, no contact
between the father and any
of the children until family
therapy had been completed.
As the courts often
don't diagnose alienation,
the judgment made
the local papers,
which published the
entire 120 page ruling.
- The ruling was made
that he should enter
a family reunification program,
and have temporary no
communication with the father.
I believe that the
father had no intention
on Brandyn participating
in the program,
and so there were plans
made for him to leave.
- We get a phone
call, he's in England.
(plane hums)
- [Ginger] After
the ruling Brandyn
ran away from home at age 16.
His father claimed he
didn't know where he was,
but he was given
money and a passport,
and resurfaced in a
family friend's home
in the UK, his
father's birthplace.
- He wanted all the
orders dropped, for him
to be able to just go straight
back to his dad's house.
That would be the only
way he would come back.
I'm going to read
the Cafcass report
from Child Protection
Services in the UK.
"Brandyn said
nothing that helped
"in my understanding
of what has caused
"the breakdown of his
relationship with his mother."
The judge in England
decided that he could stay there
and he would be made
ward of the court, and that
she could not force him to
get on the plane to come back.
- What a stupid judge, you
basically just ruined my life.
(engaging dramatic music)
- It is just like a death.
You completely lose your
child, but it never ends.
It's like walking around
with a knife in your heart
and it just keeps
getting twisted.
- My sister was very
similar to my mom
and she became very
angry, and hated my father.
- Growing up we never had
that relationship as brothers.
- My dad basically
took my little
sister away and he moved away.
- I haven't seen
my brother probably
since I was one
and a half or two.
- After I hit
like five, I didn't
see them again until she was 18.
I just remember when
my dad got a phone call
from the two of them,
orchestrated by somebody else,
saying that they didn't
wanna see us anymore,
and I took it personally, I
had this permanent idea
that my sisters didn't
wanna be in my life.
I tried to reach out to Cheylsea
on three separate occasions
and she told me she didn't
want anything to do with me.
- [Ginger] Did she
give you a reason?
- She didn't give me a reason.
- I never knew that.
- Yeah.
How old were you?
- I was 10.
- I never knew that.
I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- [Ashlynn] What did
your message say?
- "I'm Carala, your little
sister and I miss you."
(delicate piano music)
- [Ashlynn] The last time I
spoke to my older sister was
through a message that I
sent to her on social media.
- She'd been at odds with
mom and dad for a while.
There was something
she said that just rubbed me
the wrong way, and I
just shot her a message
and let her know,
"That really upsets me.
"I'm uncomfortable with
this, I need some space."
Just because I needed
not to be a part of that,
and she put it on my
mom as you know,
"This is you telling
Cheylsea what to do.
"This is you pulling
Cheylsea away."
The Facebook post, it was
like a picture of an angry woman
and it was something
about, go ahead and disagree
with me, I'll just
say you beat me
and you'll never
see your kids again.
Don't get me
wrong, I totally agree
that there's always a
bias in a divorce court.
Sometimes the men are
made to look like the bad guys.
It really sucks, but
he kept deflecting
this towards my mother,
it made me angry,
and I let him know,
"Hey, I don't appreciate
"you talking about me like this.
"I don't appreciate you talking
about my mother like this.
"I am my own person.
"I have my own life up here.
"I have Robert, who's
raised me and I consider him
"my father and I'm
sorry, but that's that."
(somber music)
- My parents fought
about everything
from, who pays for this sport?
- They are the kind of people
to fight over money, a lot.
- My dad wasn't helping
whatsoever and my mom
was like, "No, you
have four kids."
- Decided to file child
support and that takes
most of his money
out of his check,
'cause he's working
at a grocery store.
So what is that,
you know, nothing.
(motorcycle hums)
- I was childish,
immature, and angry.
You're not gonna
let me see my kids,
I'm not gonna give
you the money,
and it took 'em about
three or four months
to find me and garnish my wages,
and I got $12.45
that paycheck, $2.05.
This is my favorite, I
got a paycheck for zero.
I paid her off and now
I'm paying California off.
The money that I'm paying
goes directly to the state.
I mean, it could go for
anything, garbage collecting,
pothole repairs, I have no idea.
I just know that the state
continues to take money.
Not a dime of money that I
pay out to child support goes
to any of my children,
not a single penny.
I owed so much
because they charge such
a large amount
of interest, that it
just built up, and
built up, and built up.
- [Ginger] Dizzy
isn't the only parent
who found himself in debt
to the child support system.
The child support system can
lead to parents being erased.
Child support creates
a financial incentive
for parents to fight for
more parenting time.
In many jurisdictions
more custody time means
more child support,
with even one
extra night making
a huge difference.
States also earn more
federal dollars to enforce
child support and if
shared parenting means
no child support then
there's a disincentive
to grant joint custody or to
make it the default option.
A parent can lose their
driver's license, passport,
and even be incarcerated
for not paying child support,
but because it's civil court,
you have no right
to a public defender.
And the worst part?
In many cases the support
doesn't go to the kids.
The state keeps flat
fees, percentages,
interest payments, and
will hold on to all of it,
if the custodial parent
receives welfare.
The billions of dollars
spent on child support
enforcement could
be spent on programs
that help families,
like mediation,
mental health services,
and enforcing custody orders.
(birds chirp)
- We are at the Shasta County
Child Support Division Office
to make my final
payment on child support.
(machine whirs)
That's it.
(laughs)
I am over this freaking
place and if they weren't
so nice I would drop two
fingers up at this building.
(engine revs)
- No one comes out saying,
"I wanna be a bad parent.
"I wanna be a bad dad."
Life circumstances as
well as things that happen
to them do that and most
of that is about economics.
(engaging dramatic music)
You know, we have to
change our perception
and our vision of fathers.
- The idea of the deadbeat,
especially the deadbeat dad
is an outdated
and incorrect idea.
- Anybody in here wanna
share a situation where they're
paying child support
but they're not able
to see their children as
much as they would like to?
- All in all for all
my kids I pay $1175
a month in child
support and I have
seen my twins two
times in nine months.
- I wasn't really able to put
up much of a fight in court
because I was making
30 bucks every two weeks.
- These fathers are not
deadbeat, they're dead broke.
- When I speak to some
men vent their frustrations
about the child support
system and why they're angry,
I explain to them that
child support is a business.
If you don't pay your child
support you're gonna go to jail.
(engaging dramatic music)
- We heard from dozens of
parents who said this state's
child support system is
broken and failing families.
- [Reporter] Turner
paid a total of $1,935
in child support, but
"News 5 Investigates"
learned his ex only
received $1386, and while
the Department of Human
Services would not tell us
specifically where
it was deposited,
they did tell us they kept it.
- [Reporter] The officer
told him he's a deadbeat dad.
He's under arrest.
- The system of child
support and how we put that
into place are
barriers to successfully
having fathers involved
with their children's lives.
That's not the intent, but
that's certainly the result.
(barbershop banter
over child support)
- 'Cause you're back
on your child support.
- Yeah.
- I'm a parent, married, two
children and my responsibility
as a parent never goes away
whether I'm working or not.
You can't have a child and not
take care of your
responsibility.
- When it came to Walter,
my brother's situation.
My mother damn had
rescued him several times.
- [Barber] From?
- Picking up his
rear in child support.
They paid it up, caught it up,
and he would always
get back behind again,
even when he was
continually paying.
Walter may have been behind
in his child support payments,
but he was involved and
active in his children's lives.
His children were
staying and visiting him,
the weekend that he
was actually murdered.
- The other big story
we're covering tonight,
the police shooting death of
an apparently unarmed man.
- [Reporter] Today
in north Charleston,
the anger boiled over.
- We just want this
thing to change,
so that no other
family would have
to suffer the way my
family is suffering right now.
- [Holt] The deadly encounter
between Walter Scott
and Police Officer
Michael Slager
began with a traffic
stop for a broken tail light.
- [Reporter] It was
a fateful decision,
the moment Walter Scott
decided to bolt from his car.
- There's no justification
for what I see on that video.
(gun shots fire)
- I don't know why Walter ran.
He took that to the grave
with him, but I think that's
where the child support
may have played a part.
It wasn't like he was
trying to hurt his children.
He was caught up in the system.
- [Reporter] A warrant had
been issued for Scott's arrest.
Court documents
show he owed more
than $18000 in child
support payments.
(melancholic music)
- Can you get a
court-appointed attorney
to represent you in
a child support case?
- [Anthony] No, no, no.
- Only in a criminal case.
It's about access.
- [Anthony] Access and money.
- But does the judge
give the father information
about what his
rights are as a father?
- No, no, there's
40 people in there.
He's moving cases in and out.
He ain't got time for education.
- And you have no
idea that you can get
joint custody, shared custody--
- [Anthony] Nothing, no.
- That's not their job.
The ultimate goal in Family
Court should be what?
The child's best interests.
- [Barber] To
preserve the family.
- Yes.
- But if the dad is
not in the child's life,
how is that
preserving the family?
- Because I don't
think the court system
is created to preserve families.
- No, it's not.
- I think the court
system is created
to make it more
punitive to parents.
(engaging dramatic music)
- Once he got out,
the child support
was still being due but
he was not able to pay
because he lost his
job for being arrested.
How does the system expect you
to catch up when
you're locked up.
(melancholic piano music)
He'd already been arrested twice
prior to him getting murdered.
I believe Walter was
not a deadbeat dad.
After paying 1000s
of dollars back,
then still being behind,
there was no catching up.
So what do you do?
I don't think a man
should have to die
or feel so upset about
the child support system
that you don't care and
you're gonna run for your life.
(melancholic piano music)
- I didn't have the
father figure in my life.
I didn't know how to be a man.
- If he was really
present in my life,
I would probably
not be chasing boys.
- As far as relationships go,
I have a lot of
trust issues now.
- I don't see the point in
allowing to someone to get close
to you if the end of the day
they're just going to hurt you.
- It caused a lot of
depression, anger.
- I just kept calling him dead
because he was never there.
- [Ginger] How would
the lives of these children
been different if
the courts assumed
that both parents should
be equally involved?
(bright engaging music)
- A new bill making its
way through Lansing,
would make default
custody 50/50,
for both the mother and a
father following a divorce.
- Public support for it is huge.
The legislators told me
that they had more calls
to support the
Shared Parenting Bill
than they did the
football stadium.
- The bill sets the
stage so a child,
which is in their best interest.
- Their both responsibility
is the best for the children.
- It presumes
both parents are fit.
- We need more
clarity in law to support
what is best for children,
shared parenting,
and this helps move
in that direction.
- In any family, whether
it's a man and man,
women and women,
it doesn't matter.
There's a ying and
a yang and that's
what makes a family work.
- A default shared parenting
plan would be when two people
are separating it would be
presumed that both parents
will have an equal role in terms
of decision-making and
custody with their children.
If there is abuse, or
some other problem,
then you would have a
custody evaluation happen.
We now have abundant
research that shows that children
do much better if they
have shared parenting.
- It's even more important
for children who are going
through a divorce to
have a healthy relationship
with both parents because it
buffers them from the conflict.
- We just assumed that children
who moved 50 times a
year would be more stressed
than those who live
only with one parent.
- The packing did suck, but
I got them every other week,
and now looking back I
appreciate it a lot more.
- I am convinced that
the Swedish system
where you don't have
any money to gain
from a divorce is
beneficial for children.
We have a system where
very few separating couples
go to court, most people just
solve this between themselves.
- We have this form.
It's an agreement that we
share the custody of our son.
- You just print it out,
sign it, and send it.
- [Man] We don't
have to go to court,
or hire a lawyer, or
anything to do this.
(engaging music)
- [Ginger] In Malmo,
Sweden, sisters Eleanor
and Anna have spent
equal time with their parents
since they separated
over 15 years ago.
- We have two different
lives more or less.
You know you have life with
mum and your house with mum,
and then you've
got your life with dad.
I find that very fun.
(bright music)
- In Sweden, it's
not really a decision.
It's very hard to remove the
guardianship from one parent.
That parent has to
be really, really unfit.
Otherwise, you know,
you're stuck with 'em.
(engaging music)
- What parents discuss in
Sweden when they split up
is how the children should
live more than money.
- It's obviously not perfect.
If one of the parents
doesn't want to cooperate
and makes it difficult then
they're always going to do that.
But, if the basis of the law
is going to be split-evenly
and both parents are
gonna be involved,
then at least you have
a better starting point.
- Think about the child.
It's not just what you want.
It's what they're
going to grow up with
and what they're going to have,
and this is their life
too, it's not just yours.
- The great news is also
that if the marriage itself
was more conflictual
but you learn to get
along better afterwards,
kids do much better.
If default shared
parenting became the norm,
the legal system could
be more focused on things
that really are significant,
document the child abuse cases.
It would be wonderful if
people thought this is sort
of where we're starting
and only if we prove
that we cannot do it,
that's when we have
to move to this
adversarial process.
It would really change the face
of how people manage divorces.
- [Ginger] When parents
can't reach an agreement
on their own, mediation
can provide an alternative
to a courtroom trial and
help them work together
in the best interests
of their children.
- My theory on litigation
is if any custody case gets
in front of a judge, there
is a mental health problem.
Either one or
both of the litigants
have mental health issues
or possibly the lawyers do.
- If you spend two or three
days saying everything bad
you can think of
about the other person,
and I award some sort of a
joint custody arrangement.
It's hard to undo the
damage and have
people walk out
and parent together.
Baltimore County decided
to put on court staff,
mediators who worked
just in the courthouse,
just doing court mediation.
I don't know of another court
that has on staff mediators
that can provide
high-quality outcomes.
- She'll make some
recommendations,
which helpfully assist the
family in resolving it amicably,
and without the need
to try the case in court.
- I've seen it many times where
parents go in
angry, aggressive--
- I don't tell them
that you're a drunk.
They know you are.
- Yes you do, stop.
- What is it that would
help you to move forward?
- [Mary] And by the end
of a mediation session
they're actually
helping each other.
- I mean at the end of
the day you'll have a trial
and a judge will
make a decision.
Somebody always
feels like they won.
Somebody feels like they lost.
They don't buy into the outcome.
It's not the best way
to get to a good result.
You want a child to have
as good a relationship
as they can have
with both parents
and you want it to be as
smooth as you can make it.
(engaging music)
- There's a lot of
incentives to keep things
the way they are, particularly
by the American Bar
Association and other folks.
- There's a lot of
money in divorce,
and with shared parenting
there's less conflict,
less conflict,
fewer billable hours.
- Pay up and you're on your way
to get ridding of that
vermin you call a spouse.
(engaging music)
- There's very real
potential for this state
to lose federal funding,
and I'm talking millions,
possibly 100s of
millions of dollars.
This issue has not
been addressed
by those in favor of this law.
- What's in the best
interest of the kid is not
to worry about how
much federal dollars
we're gonna get from
food stamps in this country.
That's ridiculous.
(engaging music)
- I represent the
Family Law Foundation.
The Foundation is
respectfully against the bill.
- In Florida, when the bill
advanced though the Senate,
and the House, and was
on its way to the Governor,
the Bar Association spent $11000
to hire emergency
lobbyists to defeat the bill.
In North Dakota, they've
been sued and lost,
because they misused $70000
to run an advertising campaign
against a shared
parenting ballot measure.
- [Protestors] Sign the bill!
Sign the bill!
- [Ginger] Until the system
is redesigned to help families,
Ashlynn, Lauren, Brian,
and countless others
will attempt to heal their
families on their own.
- My advice to parents
divorcing with kids
is to be respectful
to each other
and watch how you
act around your children.
- I would ask her if she
could keep my siblings
and I out of it, I know she
didn't do it intentionally.
- They need to always
let the child know
that there's love and support
no matter what happens.
- To just be there
for your kids.
- Don't be afraid
to ask for help.
- By the way, I have a new line
of essential oils I'm carrying.
- I was right in the middle
of doing a hair coloring.
I turn around and
there's my wife Kelli
and my other daughter
Carala, and then I saw her.
- And he dropped his hair
dryer and just ran to me.
And, we both started crying.
And, the whole
salon started clapping.
Like everybody knew the story.
- It was like a
scene out of a movie.
(bright music)
- It was awesome.
It was probably one of
the best moments of my life.
(delicate piano music)
It's amazing living with my dad.
He's great.
- Do you want toast?
- Yes, thanks.
- He is someone that
I can always talk to.
He's nothing like
I was told he was,
not even in the slightest.
- I'll go through anything
and everything with you,
side-by-side, just like I said,
when you decide to get
your GED and we do it,
I'll go with you
and I'll do it too.
My daughter here and
I have been alienated
from each other for
the majority of her life.
She called me and said,
"Dad it's to move home."
And, she came home.
Well, I made the mistake
when she was 10-years-old
to sign my rights away, I
never got to see them again.
- Which was part of the deal.
- Yeah.
In about 10 minutes
we're gonna leave
for the courthouse
to file paperwork,
so I can legally
re-adopt my daughter.
So she will be my daughter once
again in the eyes of the law.
Whereas in our hearts we
know and it doesn't matter,
she's my little girl, if
something was to happen
she wants to make sure
that myself and her step-mom,
soon to be on the
paperwork, her adopted mom,
will be the ones to
make those tough choices
if they ever need to be made.
- I think she's always
gonna be my mom
and I'm always gonna love her.
It's just she kind of
lost the title of mom.
- To just wanna
totally cut out one set
and go with other
set, it was hard.
After a while I felt like
since I had kind of done
a similar thing maybe
I just need to back off
and give it some
time and go from there.
- [Ginger] If you
could talk to her
right now, what
would you tell her?
- If I could talk
to her right now?
I don't even know
what I would say.
I would just be so happy
that's she's talking to me.
- Sometimes when you
see children as they grow up,
choose a side, perhaps
even going towards the parent
that they didn't grow
up with and rejecting
the parent that they
did grow up with,
what they're trying
to do is avoid conflict.
It would be great if
they could find a way
to have relationships
with both parents
and as they grow up be
able to explain to both parents,
"I'm not getting in
the middle of this.
"I'm going to have a
relationship with both of you
"and I don't wanna
hear it," basically.
But, I don't think
that all children feel
that assertive, even
as they grow up.
- [Ginger] After a decade
together, Brian's dad, Rick,
and his step-mom
Karyn, divorced.
Once again, Brian found
himself torn between two parents.
- I believe I was about 22 when
Karyn and Rick got divorced.
For the first few
months of the separation
I would flip flop, be
like, "No, my dad's right
"so I need to stand by his side.
"I need to be loyal to him."
And then I'd be
like, "Karyn's right.
"I need to stay by her."
I think after so many
months I realized
it was just tearing me apart,
and that's when I was like
I'm not gonna
deal with their shit.
(door knocks)
- Hey baby, how are you?
- I think that's
probably why I was able
to have that relationship
with Caroline as well.
It's like I can
choose this relative,
what some people call
loyalty, or I could choose
the relative, having my own
independent relationships.
- [Caroline] Guess who that is?
- I don't now, he's
a good-looking kid.
- Yeah.
- So, I'm guessing me.
Now, that we do have a
relationship I look to try
to find some of
those good memories,
and it's been
exceedingly difficult.
Seeing these, I feel like I
don't remember any of 'em.
- It had nothing to do with you.
I wanted to get down
there and there were times
where your dad and
Karyn would tell me
that either you didn't
want me to come down,
or you had stuff going on, I
wasn't able to force myself
in there 'cause
they wouldn't let me.
- I think that where
I sit as the child,
I wanted you there to
have someone nearby,
knowing that I could go
there when I was ready to.
Does that make sense?
- Yeah, I didn't know
that you felt that way.
I didn't think you
wanted me there.
- I can understand what
you're saying and I get it,
as an adult you have
to think about taking care
of yourself and trying to
figure it out and move on.
It's like, how far do you push?
- At one point, your step-mom
sent me some pictures
that we had taken with us in it
and she cut me
out of the pictures,
and sent me the other
part back with a note
that said, "Thought you
might want these, K."
And it destroyed me
and it broke my heart,
and I didn't know what to do.
- It's not liked I'd cut her
out of 'em, 'cause obviously
in the photo album there's
lots of pictures of her.
The people that I
was with were just like,
"Oh, well just throw 'em away."
And I was like, "No,
that's kinda weird.
"Like, I'm just gonna
send 'em back to her."
(engaging dramatic music)
- I've judged you guys.
I've judged all of you
for different actions
and it's like we still don't
always mesh at the same time
and we have our
disagreements, but I learn more
from those than I
do from being alone
and I don't like that
more than having
to go through it and
just forgive and move on.
- Life right now is just
forgiving and moving on?
- It's so much easier just
not dealing with people's shit.
- Yeah.
I don't know if I ever
had a desire to win,
because I didn't
feel like I ever could,
but I did have a desire
at some point to be right.
All that stuff doesn't
matter anymore.
What matters is where
we're at right now.
(engaging music)
I think that was the best thing
that happened to me
in a really long time.
- Hearing me--
- [Caroline] Hearing
you call me mom.
(engaging dramatic music)
- [Ginger] Why are
you trying to talk
to your brother so
much if he's so rude?
- I'm trying to talk to
my brother because
he's my brother and I
miss him, and I love him,
and I'm trying to convince
him to snap out of it.
- She feels like her
only solution is to try
and talk to her brother and
convince him to come back.
(clock ticks)
- "My actions do not
put me in the wrong,
"as your mom has caused me
so much trouble over the years.
"I want a relationship
but if you cannot respect
"that I don't want
anything to do with her,
"then we will have to wait
until you're older to talk."
I said, "It kinda seems like you
hate mom more than you love me."
I did have to grow up a
bit faster and cope with
all these big words
like alienation.
"You can tell mom that I
now have this conversation
"of proof that you've
been alienated against me.
"I think I might send
this to my lawyer,
"because I'm not
alienated, you are.
I said, "Why can't we
just be normal siblings
"and talk about normal
things, even though
"we aren't normal why
can't we pretend like we are?"
(engaging dramatic music)
(clock ticks)
- I never believed this could
be possible, to be here today,
Ash you don't just live here,
today we get to fix the wrong.
- I forgive that she doesn't
care and I've moved on
from that and I just have
no interest on the subject.
But, it's different
when you're a dad.
- I don't know.
I have to focus on the
daughters that are here,
that need their dad,
that want their dad.
So, that's where my focus is.
All right we're off.
(bright engaging music)
- [Ashlynn] I'm writing
this letter regarding a legal
adult adoption between by
step-mother and my birth father.
- [Dizzy] My biggest
fear here is that
because I signed my
rights away the judge
is gonna look at this
case a little bit differently.
- My birth mother alienated me
from my birth father
for over a decade.
- I mean, I'm a father
that "voluntarily"
relinquished my parental rights,
and now I'm trying
to get 'em back.
(suspenseful music)
How are you doing?
- You know what, I am
preparing myself for anything,
because I mean there's
an order of protection
in place right now and
that's on my record.
They run my name, they
see an order of protection
and it's gonna list who it is.
It's gonna list the children.
What if the judge says no, I
can't even think about that.
- This adoption is the
missing piece in my puzzle,
not the ending to my
story but a new beginning.
Sincerely, Ashlynn Marie Lerner.
- [Judge Gibson] Well
thanks, so congratulations.
(cheering)
- Thank you, your Honor.
- [Judge Gibson] I'm glad
you all got back together.
- Me too!
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- How bout a picture?
You know, I do
recall this Lerner case.
I think I may have
had him in front of me
when I was in my
family law assignment.
It was a very
emotional adoption.
- I'm your new daughter.
- I love you so much.
- In family law we only
address what is in front of us.
We don't go check up and say,
"Hey, how did that work out?"
We're so busy and there's
just no avenue to do that.
We expect that if people are
having problems then they are
to bring that issue to
court so we can address it.
- [Ginger] What if
getting help to reunite
with your raised
child didn't depend
on you going back to
family court, hiring a lawyer,
or navigating a complex
legal process on your own?
What if all the resources spent
on child support enforcement
and adversarial court trials
were spent on promoting
shared parenting,
affordable mediation,
and access to mental
health services?
Until then, children like Ashlynn,
Lauren, Brian, and Candis
are reaching out to erased
family members on their own.
With no help or resources,
the results can be bittersweet.
- It's weird when I think
about the fact that Ashlynn
and I don't legally
have the same parents,
but I know she's
still my sister.
- [Ginger] Filming
these kids has taught me
that even a parent isn't
perfect and none are,
erasing a parent
does lasting harm.
We need to stop assigning
blame and start helping
parents to be in
their kids' lives.
- It has been eight months
seen I've seen my children.
It's been over four years since
I've been able to hug them,
hold their hand,
or take their picture.
- I haven't seen my sisters
for four and a half years.
- I haven's seen my daughters
for more than five years.
- I haven't seen her
in almost two years.
- My son here,
who's three-years-old
has not been able to meet
his two other siblings, so--
- He left me when I was a baby.
- We wanted to tell you
how much we miss you.
- I want him to know how
much his dad loves him.
- I just wanted to share
some of the pain that I felt.
- I love them and
I'm here for them.
- We were best friends.
- I want you to come home.
- And I wanna just
see your smile again.
- And I'm sad to say
I'm an erased mommy.
- I'm an erased dad.
- I'm an erased sister.
- And I do believe that
one day we will reunite.
(engaging dramatic music)
(delicate folk music)
I took my time
getting off that plane
Thought to myself, is this
a good idea or just insane
All this way for a
man I've never met
His name ain't even
on my birth certificate
He's nervous too, I bet
So much inside me
I would like to say
But I'll just say, Hey
Standing in this
baggage zone
I couldn't feel
any more alone
Is this the way she felt
The last 18 years
Thinking I chose
not to be around
I had no idea
until she found me
And now she's standing here
I didn't want to let the
words get in the way
So I just said, Hey
Hey, I'm glad to
finally meet you
Share my story,
what I've been through
To find the part of
me that I never knew
Time and distance
seem so small now
Kinda takes my breath away
How much of me I
see when I look at you
A new chapter in
my life began today
When you said, Hey
I know that this must
be so hard for you
I think it's so brave
that you asked me to
I wasn't sure of
the right thing to do
Til I heard that little
word then I knew
Hey, I'm glad to
finally meet you
Share my story
what I've been through
To find the part of
me that I never knew
Time and distance
seem so small now
Kinda takes my breath away
How much of me I
see when I look at you
A new chapter in
my life began today
When you said, Hey
A new world opened
up for me today
When you said, Hey
(clock ticks)
- Say that there
is a normal person.
She or he sees their
family, their mom,
their dad, their dog,
my perspective of family,
I live with my mom
and my step-dad.
My other brother lives with me.
My dad hates my mom.
My older brother hates my mom
and I can't see either of them.
It's not fair that any
family goes through this.
It breaks up your family.
It makes life
harder and you just
don't see the world the same.
(engaging dramatic music)
- [Francisco] Every 60
seconds, a child loses contact
with one parent,
permanently, because
of what's going on in
the family court system.
- [Christine] One parent
gets to be a parent
and the other gets
to be, at best, a visitor,
and at worst, completely erased.
- It destroys lives it
bankrupts people every day.
It tears children from their
homes and it just so happens
to be a 50 billion
dollar a year industry.
(protestors chanting)
- [Ned] It's an epidemic
that people don't realize
that this country and other
countries are going through.
Nobody wants to talk about
it until it happens to you.
- [Jennifer] This isn't
a father's rights issue.
It's not a mother's
rights issue.
It's a human right issue.
(engaging dramatic music)
- [Ginger] My parents'
divorce was so messy that after
I graduated from
university, I moved,
literally, half way across
the world to Argentina.
Anything I could do
to get away from them.
But divorce and its effects
on kids kept following me
and I made a film called
"Erasing Dad," "Borrando a Papa,"
that exposes the
discrimination fathers face
when they want to be in
their kids' lives after divorce.
The film's release caused the
law in Argentina to be changed
so that moms and dads
could share joint custody.
It also helped me to heal
and reconnect with my family
and I returned to
the United States.
I wanted to make
a follow up film
and after a post on
Facebook, my inbox
was flooded with
desperate pleas for help.
Why were all these families
reaching out to me, a filmmaker?
Why were the family
courts unable to help them?
I decided to tell the stories
of the ignored victims of
family court, the children.
- I was only five-years-old.
One day we were all
good, we were all happy,
and then the next it's like, oh,
my dad's no
longer in the picture.
- I didn't really know what
was happening at the time.
- My first memory that I
have is my parents fighting.
- I have more bad memories
than good memories.
- The day my dad moved
out was extremely hard.
I was crying all the time.
(engaging dramatic music)
- When I was born
my parents were
in the middle of a divorce.
So, the first time
my dad saw me I was
in my grandma's
arms in a courtroom.
My mom only had one photo.
It was a picture of him and he
was holding my sister, Cheylsea.
A lot of mewanted
to have a relationship
with my biological father.
I remember asking my mom
every day, "Has dad called?
"Has dad called?"
She kept telling me,
"Maybe he's just busy,"
and then that turned
into, "He's not your dad."
(engaging uptempo music)
I was informed that basically
he was poison to me and he
would manipulate me if I
was ever in contact with him.
When I was reading
the divorce file though,
there was a lot of things
I didn't know happened.
There's flaws in the system.
I've never known a life were
one parent wasn't missing.
(dramatic piano music)
- I think that as a child, like,
I kind of knew it was
coming subconsciously.
There's moments that I have
flashbacks where I can see
the door close, I could
be standing in the hallway
just hearing them screaming,
so I just kind of disappear.
So, when my parents got
divorced, I was 12-years-old.
My father was like,
"Pack your things.
"We're gonna go visit your
grandma for a little while."
- When they left, he
pulled them out of school
and I didn't know what to do.
I was so overwhelmed
with what was going on.
I was living up in Pennsylvania,
because I was in the military.
They ended up in Virginia.
(birds chirp)
- Karyn, my stepmom,
I also call her mom,
she came into my life
when I was about 14.
- Initially I was there
practically every weekend,
but the visits started to
decrease every month,
and then, I was stopped,
sometimes it was because
the children would call me
and say the didn't wanna come.
Sometimes, I would
get an email saying,
"Well the kids don't wanna
see you this weekend."
It was signed by my ex,
but it sounded like his wife.
- I was just so confused.
I really felt like she didn't
want anything to do with me.
- I can't even really answer
why the whole thing happened.
I was never on drugs.
I had no criminal background.
I had no psychological
issues, other than
being heartbroken,
because I lost my children.
(dramatic piano music)
- Me and my older brother
had a really good relationship
most of our lives, and we
would play video games together,
and everything was
normal, like a normal sibling.
- My older son always
looked to his father.
My ex-husband and I
separated and at that time
my son realized that if he
didn't side with his father,
likely, he wouldn't
have his father in his life.
So, he had to choose mom
or dad, and I think it was
a survival mechanism
and he chose his father.
- It just seems like one day out
of the blue he's
just angry at her.
- He would come home
from their dad's to say
I was horrible and demand
what their dad wanted at the time.
- [Lauren] Then he
would always say like,
"I wanna kill her."
- That wasn't my son, but
he was being so influenced
that that's how he
had to act towards me.
- [Lauren] Oftentimes,
she just starts crying
on my shoulder, but I
don't know how to help her.
- I get reminded everyday,
like "Oh, you're dad sucked."
- My dad and my step-mom
sat me down and discussed
with me how awful of
a person my mom was.
- I don't think my mom wanted me
to have any contact
with my father.
- Growing up I had
learn to hate him.
- As I got older my dad
said, "You owe your loyalties
"to me because I've
been here for you
"and your mom hasn't,
and your mom left you."
- It's a constant
reminder because
I am my father's child, so.
(engaging music)
- I began studying
parental alienation
approximately three years ago.
I started looking around
to people who have been
affected by this on
Facebook groups
and support groups, and
I didn't get any answers.
I thought, it's time to put some
serious scientific
attention to this problem.
Parental alienation,
the set of behaviors
that a parent will do to
try to distance their child,
or hurt the relationship between
the child and the other parent.
It can be very subtle.
They can refer to the
other parent in pronouns,
completely undermining
their role as a parent.
The custodial
parent really colors
the way that child
perceives events.
Obviously you trust and
love your parent and you want
to believe that what
they're telling you is correct.
That child is then expressing
and parroting back
what they're hearing.
How many of you have
had it happen to you?
Just by a show of hands.
That's about, I'd say about 40%.
I ask this of every
class that I teach.
It's heartbreaking to me to see
how many of you
are dealing with this.
I was trying to estimate
the scope of the problem
and we conducted a
poll in order to do that.
13% of these adults
reported feeling alienated
from one or more of
their children, and what
that comes out to is over
22 million American adults are
feeling like they are being
alienated from their children.
(somber music)
If there's 22 million
adults dealing with this,
that's over 22 million
children, and the mental health
consequences on that child
are severe and long-lasting.
(dramatic piano music)
- "I therefore find that
X is an alienated child,
"and that he has been
alienated from his mother
"by the words, actions,
and behavior of his father."
The Child Custody
and Access Report
found that Brandyn
was alienated.
I knew something
was wrong before that,
I just hadn't heard
of a name for it.
The judge did take away
dad's access for a month
as sort of a warning because
of behavior that was going on.
So, the judge was
really swift in his actions,
but the problem is
if one parents wants
to make things difficult
it's almost impossible
to get things in
front of the judge
if they're not turning
up for their court dates,
if they're hiding from
process servers and things.
They can drag it
on and the judge
can't do anything about that.
- I have went to
about four counselors.
The counselor, he asked us
to draw a picture of how we felt.
I drew a house, split
in half, with Brandyn
and my dad on one side,
and me, my middle brother,
and my mom on the other
side, and it was just cut in half.
(engaging rock music)
- I ended up leaving high school
in my second sophomore year
and went to beauty school at 15.
See how your layers
kinda cascade together now.
My ex and I divorced while
she was pregnant with Ashlynn,
and then we had a big
argument over the phone,
and the next morning I was
served with a restraining order.
This was a permanent
Order of Protection.
I kept everything.
It amazes me that I
go through all of this
and nowhere in here does
she say I'm a bad father.
Our divorce is our divorce.
What we went through,
what she did to me,
what I did to her,
what our relationship
was has nothing to
do with our children.
- "Your honor, I wish
it to be known that all
"I am after is to have
unsupervised visitation
"and joint custody
of my daughters.
"My children are
very important to me
"and I am very
important to them."
- This was the worst
paper I ever had to file.
- He's scared to continue
any type of attempt
for visitation because
of some threat.
- "I feel like it's
best to withdraw
"my petition for visitation."
- "Although, I have not
been afforded the opportunity
"to see my youngest daughter,
I love both of my children."
- "My ex-wife will
go to any extreme
"in her vendetta
against me and others.
"Therefore, I
withdraw my petition,
"and pray the situation
will change in the future
"and I will become a part
of my daughters' lives."
(crying)
- This is hard because
you're reading a letter
that your parent feels hopeless.
- I lost 'em.
- Here, I don't know when's
the last time you've seen this.
- Peanuthead.
- I mean they're just
pictures of his life.
Look how cute you were though.
I should give this to you.
We had good four years where
we were just extremely
nasty to each other.
- It was almost like this messy
situation through a divorce,
where it was team mom,
or team family in Virginia.
My family started asking me
about the divorce and my choice.
I felt like my support system
was right there in front of me
so it was a pretty
simple answer at the time.
- You can always look
back at a situation and say,
"Oh, I probably
could've done this
"and been a little
nicer about it,"
or welcomed her more,
or better conversations.
But, no I think she
disappeared on her own.
- Ow.
This is a transcript of when
I want to pick my kids up.
I rolled down the
window, asked Rick
if the kids were
gonna get in the car,
and he said, "That
is up to the kids.
"They can decide what to do."
(birds chirp)
- I was calling the
police, I called the courts,
I called whoever I
could think of to help me,
and they were
like, "Oh, no sorry,
"there's nothing we
can help you with.
"Unless they do something
physically harming
"the children we can't
intervene with this."
I just went through all
these emails in here.
This is all the stuff I had
to provide to the court.
So, I was more angry with
the courts than I was with
what was happening because
it was like, it's almost like
the thought that
there's no gray area.
It's all black and white.
It was almost like they
were looking to assign blame
to somebody rather
than figure out a way
to make it work for everybody.
All I wanted was to
have a relationship
and be able to see my children,
and I felt that there had
to be a better way to do this
and what I was
experiencing was not it.
- I think I was about eight.
There was a custody
battle that happened.
- When the divorce was final,
I saw my dad every
other weekend.
- It was supposed to be
51/49 my dad to my mom.
Eventually it went to I
was only living at mom's.
- My mom hired the
most expensive lawyer
to make sure that
she got sole custody.
(engaging dramatic music)
- [Ginger] The family
court system is mandated
to work in the best interest
of the children, but what
actually goes on behind the
closed doors of family court?
- If you watch any
of the law shows,
you come in today and
you're in court tomorrow.
That's not how it works.
You're talking usually
six, eight, 12 months
down the road and
during that period of time,
it's very traumatic
for children.
- Too many cases,
not enough judges,
I was responsible
for over 1000 cases.
Some days I would
have 15, 20 hearings.
- [Lawyer] But you
were in fear of imminent,
serious bodily
harm, isn't that true?
- Family Court really
sets the stage for conflict
because that is the
nature of the legal process.
It's adversarial.
- If the parent is
angry, I want the parent
to continue talking, even
though what is being said
is not relevant, you
always have to listen.
- Mr. Dehaven make
sure the questions are clear
and don't ask
redundant questions--
- If you have a parent who
has mental health issues,
control issues, that person
can keep combing back to court.
Even if a person cries,
"Wolf, wolf" four, five, six times.
- [Ginger] In criminal
court the state has to pass
certain tests to file charges,
but not so in Family Court.
One parent can bring the
other parent back to court
for something as serious
as domestic violence,
or as petty as not liking
the food they feed their child.
Family Court doesn't
have to find a parent guilty
of a crime, only that the other
parent is the better parent.
So, evidence standards
are much looser
in Family Court than
in Criminal Court.
- They are not looking
for clear evidence
to support or refute
either parent's claims,
and that's very problematic.
- We have a lot of
stereotypes that are negative
for the fathers, where they're
more abusive or aggressive
than mothers, that
they're deadbeat dads.
And we have a lot of very
positive stereotypes about mothers
being the better parent,
however if a mother works,
that is often used
against those mothers.
The other pattern is
that the father will make
the mother look
like she's crazy,
and everybody
looks crazy in divorce.
- [Ginger] While the
courts are mandated to work
in the best interests
of the child, nowhere
in the civil code is
this term defined.
So, judges, custody
evaluators, and psychologists
can make findings based on
opinions that they don't have
to justify or show scientific
evidence to validate.
- Approximately 28 billion
has been the estimate
of how much this costs a year
for Family Court involvement.
It's to psychologists who have
to get assigned or appointed
by the court to
make an evaluation.
They get paid 1000s of dollars.
Expert witnesses that
parents have to call.
It's an industry because all
of these pieces play a role.
- I've had at least four or
five counselors and doctors,
three or four lawyers, it's
cost close to a million dollars.
- [Ginger] Because it is
Civil Court you no right
to an attorney, this
presents a barrier to families
who can't afford to pay for one.
- The attorney I had
didn't wanna do his job
because I wasn't
able to pay him in full.
He could've talked about
the parental alienation
and said something
referring to that
and he didn't say a word,
because I couldn't pay him.
- I had nobody and on
a $600 a month income,
you can't afford anybody.
- [Ginger] How is
destroying a parent financially
and emotionally in the
child's best interests?
- Nothing I said mattered.
None of the evidence I
brought forward mattered.
The judge wouldn't
even look at it.
I mean, like literally
wouldn't look at it.
My ex said plain and
clearly that there was nothing
that I could do to
get to see my kids,
and the judge asked
me what I wanted,
and I said, "I want you to
find her in contempt of court"
and the judge wouldn't do it.
He said, "That's the
children caretaker."
And I said, "What am I?"
And he goes, "You're
the financial support."
(engine hums)
And I get a phone
call from my ex.
She said, "You're
children wanna see you.
"They wanna be in your life."
And I said, "How soon
can you come over?"
- When I first met my Dad,
at 10, I remember pulling up
in the car and he was
like smiling like ear-to-ear.
- My wife was elated.
My other daughter was excited.
- My dad took my sister
Carala, and I, and Cheylsea
to go do like a family
photo shoot thing,
and I just remember
feeling really happy
because we were all together.
- God, it was such a blessing.
- It was actually
a very good visit.
We met at a park
so that they were able
to play on the toys
and feed the geese.
- I knew he was somehow
family in one way or another,
but it's like I didn't know him.
It didn't really feel like
a father-daughter thing
because I didn't have that
sort of connection with him.
- I think I was
four and they got
to come stay for a little bit.
We used to play
Polly Pockets together.
- They made me feel very
secure about every issue
I ever had growing up,
wondering where he was.
He got a tattoo on
his back of my birthday
and I was informed by my
mom and my step-dad that
that tattoo got
removed and it hadn't.
The visits with my dad
ended kind of abruptly.
(storming)
- Me ex said, "You know,
with what they take out
"of your checks for child
support I know that you struggle,
"and I would like
to help with that.
"So, I have an idea."
- The last time I
remember seeing
my dad he was signing papers.
- Ashlynn's crying,
I'm crying, and I've got
my kid's step-dad telling
me, "Don't worry, I'll make sure
"she never takes your
children away from you again."
- By that point, Robert had
been their dad for a few years.
It just seemed
like the next step.
- I knew something
big was gonna happen.
- I've got here sitting
there telling me,
"It's not gonna change anything.
"You're still their daddy,
you're still their daddy,"
and the minute the papers
were signed and their car doors
were shut, and
everybody drove off,
that was the last
time I saw 'em.
- The purpose of me meeting
my father when I was 10
wasn't really about
what I wanted from it
or anything like
that, it was just
to get the adoption
to go through.
- I signed my rights.
I'm ashamed, I'm embarrassed,
I hate myself everyday for it.
(engine hums)
- It sometimes felt as if
my parents wanted me
to choose sides, they'd
be like, "What do you think?
- They basically
left it up to us,
whether we wanted
to see him or not.
- To pick a parent
at five, I probably
wouldn't know
who to pick at all.
- Oh that was--
- [Aunt] Look, wave to Aunt--
- Wave, go wave, hi.
I found out that
Brian was adopted
by Karyn I believe
through an email.
Ooh, okay.
I was angry and heartbroken.
- This is that when you adopt
somebody, everything about
the person disappears
and it all starts over.
- I think she was making a
much more bigger deal than I was.
She was really
excited, and felt like
she was pretty nervous or maybe
a little nervous to ask me.
- So, on it says
Certificate of Birth,
like I gave birth
to you on this day.
That's how this is written, like
it wipes everything
else before that
and now this is
your legal document.
So, if anybody
searched your birth.
This is what they would see.
They would see
that I am now on your
birth certificate as
if I gave birth to you.
- To me, Karyn was mom
and it was important to her.
- It's like that never
happened and this did.
- That's an interesting way
to make things happen, yeah.
- Right?
- Yeah.
I really didn't even think
about Caroline at the time.
- This is a card I sent to
my daughter that I took
a picture of so she
would know that I sent it,
and I did that with many
cards that I sent them.
This was a photo that was
taken when she was little.
Oh God, all right.
The adoption
paperwork for Katie.
I received an email
from Karyn, saying
that Katie wanted
to be adopted also.
By that point, she wasn't
talking to me anymore really.
She didn't want
anything to do with me.
It just says who we are and
my consent to the adoption.
- Not good.
My daughter
testified on the stand
and said that she
didn't wanna see me.
And it was in open court,
I watched the whole thing.
I was thinking right
across from her
looking at her while
it was happening.
(somber music)
- As soon as society
and the legal system starts
to ask a child, "Who should
you choose to live with?"
"Who would you
like to live with?"
Then right away,
they are asking a child
to make a choice about
who's a better parent,
and that means one
parent gets to be a parent,
and the other gets
to be a best, a visitor,
and at worst, completely erased.
(waves lap)
Like I would just say, "It's
easier to not to talk to her,"
and that was such an
easy decision, and in reality
there's no way that a decision
like that could've been easy.
So, in turn that's how I
started building my walls.
Like, "Screw you all,
no one's getting in here."
As a kid we just
don't want the stress
of having to
figure all this out.
- I think the parents a lot of
times aren't even conscious
of the conflict they're
creating for the child,
or the way they're
manipulating them.
One of the concerns
when you interview a child is
they come into a
stranger's office,
in an uncomfortable setting,
they've been brought here
by one or the other of parent,
the other one's
sitting out there.
They feel incredibly conflicted
and so I don't know that we
get accurate information from
children when they come in.
- What I remember
about being in court
was having to lie to the judge.
Sorry.
- I have one case that sticks
in my mind where the child
wrote me and told me
that all of things she had
complained about in
detail had all been a lie.
- My step-dad was
gonna be my real dad now.
I remember telling mom
something along the lines of,
"I don't feel this way
about my step-dad.
"I don't want my
step-dad to be my dad."
And she told me that basically
it was too late to say that
and it was out of my
hands at that point.
I was scared, to
be honest, so I lied
and I said, "Yeah,
I'm okay with this.
"I'm comfortable with
this, this is what I want,"
and I felt a lot of guilt
for that for a long time.
Like, it was my fault
that I felt that way
because I should
just rewire my brain
and think the way
they think, which was
I shouldn't have a
relationship with him.
I started smoking when I was 12,
cutting myself regularly.
I don't recall any kind
of follow-up or check-up.
I was never talked
to by a social worker
or a psychologist
on anything about it.
(somber piano music)
I had a boyfriend, I had
a talk with him one day
about my situation
with my father.
- She just felt like
she couldn't really talk
about her father,
Dizzy, around her mother
and her step-father and
I just gave her somebody
in her corner to
fight for her decision
and whether or not
she wanted to pursue it.
The worst thin gthat could
happen is you never talk
to him again, but the
best case scenario
is so much brighter
than that, you know.
(delicate piano music)
- I contacted dad.
I was on the phone with
my dad for the first time
since I was 10 and it was
like the most crazy feeling.
Then I found out that
my mom and my step-dad
started listening
to our phone calls.
I got into a very
vicious argument
and I ended up
getting kicked out.
- She had called me and let
me know that she was homeless.
She was 14 and I have
no legal right to drive up
and pick her up, she's not my
child according to the courts.
- They came to pick me up,
my step-dad and my mom,
and basically told me
that if I wanted to live
in that house and
have a happy family,
I needed to cut ties
with my real father.
The family kind of
changed after that.
Things were different.
People weren't really
acknowledging me.
People were treating me poorly.
Yeah, I felt like I was the
enemy in my own house.
(engaging dramatic music)
- And I think about 60
or 70 of these interviews.
Just like with domestic
violence, people blame the victim.
"What did this parent do?
"They must be doing
something to make
"this child not
want to see them."
It shows an ignorance of
what human development is like
and the power that a
parent has in that child's life
and how they perceive the world.
This child has
been brain-washed.
They hate that parent or
they inherently don't trust them.
They don't like 'em and they
don't have a good reason for it.
- My dad had my brother snoop
through my mom's paperwork.
- And I got to the point
where I resented going
with my father, I would
yell at him, I would say,
"I hate you, why
are you doing this?"
- It was always ingrained in
me that my mom was the enemy
and that I shouldn't
want to see her.
- And how much of
a liar she was, and all
these terrible things about
her that I knew wasn't true.
- [Ginger] What
goes through the mind
of a child trained
to hate a parent?
We talked to Candis, who was
brave enough to come forward.
- I became deeply
fearful of my dad.
Iranian culture is not exactly
popular in the United States
and my mom showed me that
film "Not Without My Daughter."
- We're not going
back, we're staying here.
I want us to live in Iran.
- And, told me this is
what your dad's culture is.
They're all kidnappers.
They wanna steal
children and hurt women.
- Mommy!
- She really wanted
to erase our identity.
It was really a
very slow process
of conditioning me into
accepting statements
that I otherwise would
not have believed.
My dad would go to hug
me and I would reject him
and I confronted him
every chance I got,
to scream and yell at him about
why he was a bad person,
why his culture was so bad,
and rejecting everything
that made him, him.
When I was at his house
when he would manage
to get visitation, I would
go through his papers.
I knew what I needed
to do when I was around
his information and that
was to steal it and give it
to my mom so she could
get him fired and this
and that, and that's
what she would do.
She would call these
companies and make accusations
pertaining to his
national origin.
That's one of the
hardest things,
because there was a
lot of abuse in my house,
growing up with my mom
and those scars are there,
but the scars of guilt
are just as powerful,
and I can't take it back,
I can't get time back,
and no matter how
many times I tell myself
or someone else tells me, that
there was nothing I could do,
that I was gonna be
powerless to this campaign
of denigration, and thinking
I need to tell somebody,
and the thought that
would always stop me
was "Who's gonna listen?"
They don't listen to
my dad, he's an adult.
"Who's gonna listen
to a 10-year-old?
"And then what's
gonna happen to me?
"They're not gonna
give me to my dad
"and I don't even know
if I know him anymore.
"What if some of the
stuff my mom says is true?
"What if I'm wrong?
"I'm just a kid."
(somber music)
(engaging dramatic music)
- [Ginger] After half a
decade in Family Court,
a drastic ruling, no contact
between the father and any
of the children until family
therapy had been completed.
As the courts often
don't diagnose alienation,
the judgment made
the local papers,
which published the
entire 120 page ruling.
- The ruling was made
that he should enter
a family reunification program,
and have temporary no
communication with the father.
I believe that the
father had no intention
on Brandyn participating
in the program,
and so there were plans
made for him to leave.
- We get a phone
call, he's in England.
(plane hums)
- [Ginger] After
the ruling Brandyn
ran away from home at age 16.
His father claimed he
didn't know where he was,
but he was given
money and a passport,
and resurfaced in a
family friend's home
in the UK, his
father's birthplace.
- He wanted all the
orders dropped, for him
to be able to just go straight
back to his dad's house.
That would be the only
way he would come back.
I'm going to read
the Cafcass report
from Child Protection
Services in the UK.
"Brandyn said
nothing that helped
"in my understanding
of what has caused
"the breakdown of his
relationship with his mother."
The judge in England
decided that he could stay there
and he would be made
ward of the court, and that
she could not force him to
get on the plane to come back.
- What a stupid judge, you
basically just ruined my life.
(engaging dramatic music)
- It is just like a death.
You completely lose your
child, but it never ends.
It's like walking around
with a knife in your heart
and it just keeps
getting twisted.
- My sister was very
similar to my mom
and she became very
angry, and hated my father.
- Growing up we never had
that relationship as brothers.
- My dad basically
took my little
sister away and he moved away.
- I haven't seen
my brother probably
since I was one
and a half or two.
- After I hit
like five, I didn't
see them again until she was 18.
I just remember when
my dad got a phone call
from the two of them,
orchestrated by somebody else,
saying that they didn't
wanna see us anymore,
and I took it personally, I
had this permanent idea
that my sisters didn't
wanna be in my life.
I tried to reach out to Cheylsea
on three separate occasions
and she told me she didn't
want anything to do with me.
- [Ginger] Did she
give you a reason?
- She didn't give me a reason.
- I never knew that.
- Yeah.
How old were you?
- I was 10.
- I never knew that.
I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- [Ashlynn] What did
your message say?
- "I'm Carala, your little
sister and I miss you."
(delicate piano music)
- [Ashlynn] The last time I
spoke to my older sister was
through a message that I
sent to her on social media.
- She'd been at odds with
mom and dad for a while.
There was something
she said that just rubbed me
the wrong way, and I
just shot her a message
and let her know,
"That really upsets me.
"I'm uncomfortable with
this, I need some space."
Just because I needed
not to be a part of that,
and she put it on my
mom as you know,
"This is you telling
Cheylsea what to do.
"This is you pulling
Cheylsea away."
The Facebook post, it was
like a picture of an angry woman
and it was something
about, go ahead and disagree
with me, I'll just
say you beat me
and you'll never
see your kids again.
Don't get me
wrong, I totally agree
that there's always a
bias in a divorce court.
Sometimes the men are
made to look like the bad guys.
It really sucks, but
he kept deflecting
this towards my mother,
it made me angry,
and I let him know,
"Hey, I don't appreciate
"you talking about me like this.
"I don't appreciate you talking
about my mother like this.
"I am my own person.
"I have my own life up here.
"I have Robert, who's
raised me and I consider him
"my father and I'm
sorry, but that's that."
(somber music)
- My parents fought
about everything
from, who pays for this sport?
- They are the kind of people
to fight over money, a lot.
- My dad wasn't helping
whatsoever and my mom
was like, "No, you
have four kids."
- Decided to file child
support and that takes
most of his money
out of his check,
'cause he's working
at a grocery store.
So what is that,
you know, nothing.
(motorcycle hums)
- I was childish,
immature, and angry.
You're not gonna
let me see my kids,
I'm not gonna give
you the money,
and it took 'em about
three or four months
to find me and garnish my wages,
and I got $12.45
that paycheck, $2.05.
This is my favorite, I
got a paycheck for zero.
I paid her off and now
I'm paying California off.
The money that I'm paying
goes directly to the state.
I mean, it could go for
anything, garbage collecting,
pothole repairs, I have no idea.
I just know that the state
continues to take money.
Not a dime of money that I
pay out to child support goes
to any of my children,
not a single penny.
I owed so much
because they charge such
a large amount
of interest, that it
just built up, and
built up, and built up.
- [Ginger] Dizzy
isn't the only parent
who found himself in debt
to the child support system.
The child support system can
lead to parents being erased.
Child support creates
a financial incentive
for parents to fight for
more parenting time.
In many jurisdictions
more custody time means
more child support,
with even one
extra night making
a huge difference.
States also earn more
federal dollars to enforce
child support and if
shared parenting means
no child support then
there's a disincentive
to grant joint custody or to
make it the default option.
A parent can lose their
driver's license, passport,
and even be incarcerated
for not paying child support,
but because it's civil court,
you have no right
to a public defender.
And the worst part?
In many cases the support
doesn't go to the kids.
The state keeps flat
fees, percentages,
interest payments, and
will hold on to all of it,
if the custodial parent
receives welfare.
The billions of dollars
spent on child support
enforcement could
be spent on programs
that help families,
like mediation,
mental health services,
and enforcing custody orders.
(birds chirp)
- We are at the Shasta County
Child Support Division Office
to make my final
payment on child support.
(machine whirs)
That's it.
(laughs)
I am over this freaking
place and if they weren't
so nice I would drop two
fingers up at this building.
(engine revs)
- No one comes out saying,
"I wanna be a bad parent.
"I wanna be a bad dad."
Life circumstances as
well as things that happen
to them do that and most
of that is about economics.
(engaging dramatic music)
You know, we have to
change our perception
and our vision of fathers.
- The idea of the deadbeat,
especially the deadbeat dad
is an outdated
and incorrect idea.
- Anybody in here wanna
share a situation where they're
paying child support
but they're not able
to see their children as
much as they would like to?
- All in all for all
my kids I pay $1175
a month in child
support and I have
seen my twins two
times in nine months.
- I wasn't really able to put
up much of a fight in court
because I was making
30 bucks every two weeks.
- These fathers are not
deadbeat, they're dead broke.
- When I speak to some
men vent their frustrations
about the child support
system and why they're angry,
I explain to them that
child support is a business.
If you don't pay your child
support you're gonna go to jail.
(engaging dramatic music)
- We heard from dozens of
parents who said this state's
child support system is
broken and failing families.
- [Reporter] Turner
paid a total of $1,935
in child support, but
"News 5 Investigates"
learned his ex only
received $1386, and while
the Department of Human
Services would not tell us
specifically where
it was deposited,
they did tell us they kept it.
- [Reporter] The officer
told him he's a deadbeat dad.
He's under arrest.
- The system of child
support and how we put that
into place are
barriers to successfully
having fathers involved
with their children's lives.
That's not the intent, but
that's certainly the result.
(barbershop banter
over child support)
- 'Cause you're back
on your child support.
- Yeah.
- I'm a parent, married, two
children and my responsibility
as a parent never goes away
whether I'm working or not.
You can't have a child and not
take care of your
responsibility.
- When it came to Walter,
my brother's situation.
My mother damn had
rescued him several times.
- [Barber] From?
- Picking up his
rear in child support.
They paid it up, caught it up,
and he would always
get back behind again,
even when he was
continually paying.
Walter may have been behind
in his child support payments,
but he was involved and
active in his children's lives.
His children were
staying and visiting him,
the weekend that he
was actually murdered.
- The other big story
we're covering tonight,
the police shooting death of
an apparently unarmed man.
- [Reporter] Today
in north Charleston,
the anger boiled over.
- We just want this
thing to change,
so that no other
family would have
to suffer the way my
family is suffering right now.
- [Holt] The deadly encounter
between Walter Scott
and Police Officer
Michael Slager
began with a traffic
stop for a broken tail light.
- [Reporter] It was
a fateful decision,
the moment Walter Scott
decided to bolt from his car.
- There's no justification
for what I see on that video.
(gun shots fire)
- I don't know why Walter ran.
He took that to the grave
with him, but I think that's
where the child support
may have played a part.
It wasn't like he was
trying to hurt his children.
He was caught up in the system.
- [Reporter] A warrant had
been issued for Scott's arrest.
Court documents
show he owed more
than $18000 in child
support payments.
(melancholic music)
- Can you get a
court-appointed attorney
to represent you in
a child support case?
- [Anthony] No, no, no.
- Only in a criminal case.
It's about access.
- [Anthony] Access and money.
- But does the judge
give the father information
about what his
rights are as a father?
- No, no, there's
40 people in there.
He's moving cases in and out.
He ain't got time for education.
- And you have no
idea that you can get
joint custody, shared custody--
- [Anthony] Nothing, no.
- That's not their job.
The ultimate goal in Family
Court should be what?
The child's best interests.
- [Barber] To
preserve the family.
- Yes.
- But if the dad is
not in the child's life,
how is that
preserving the family?
- Because I don't
think the court system
is created to preserve families.
- No, it's not.
- I think the court
system is created
to make it more
punitive to parents.
(engaging dramatic music)
- Once he got out,
the child support
was still being due but
he was not able to pay
because he lost his
job for being arrested.
How does the system expect you
to catch up when
you're locked up.
(melancholic piano music)
He'd already been arrested twice
prior to him getting murdered.
I believe Walter was
not a deadbeat dad.
After paying 1000s
of dollars back,
then still being behind,
there was no catching up.
So what do you do?
I don't think a man
should have to die
or feel so upset about
the child support system
that you don't care and
you're gonna run for your life.
(melancholic piano music)
- I didn't have the
father figure in my life.
I didn't know how to be a man.
- If he was really
present in my life,
I would probably
not be chasing boys.
- As far as relationships go,
I have a lot of
trust issues now.
- I don't see the point in
allowing to someone to get close
to you if the end of the day
they're just going to hurt you.
- It caused a lot of
depression, anger.
- I just kept calling him dead
because he was never there.
- [Ginger] How would
the lives of these children
been different if
the courts assumed
that both parents should
be equally involved?
(bright engaging music)
- A new bill making its
way through Lansing,
would make default
custody 50/50,
for both the mother and a
father following a divorce.
- Public support for it is huge.
The legislators told me
that they had more calls
to support the
Shared Parenting Bill
than they did the
football stadium.
- The bill sets the
stage so a child,
which is in their best interest.
- Their both responsibility
is the best for the children.
- It presumes
both parents are fit.
- We need more
clarity in law to support
what is best for children,
shared parenting,
and this helps move
in that direction.
- In any family, whether
it's a man and man,
women and women,
it doesn't matter.
There's a ying and
a yang and that's
what makes a family work.
- A default shared parenting
plan would be when two people
are separating it would be
presumed that both parents
will have an equal role in terms
of decision-making and
custody with their children.
If there is abuse, or
some other problem,
then you would have a
custody evaluation happen.
We now have abundant
research that shows that children
do much better if they
have shared parenting.
- It's even more important
for children who are going
through a divorce to
have a healthy relationship
with both parents because it
buffers them from the conflict.
- We just assumed that children
who moved 50 times a
year would be more stressed
than those who live
only with one parent.
- The packing did suck, but
I got them every other week,
and now looking back I
appreciate it a lot more.
- I am convinced that
the Swedish system
where you don't have
any money to gain
from a divorce is
beneficial for children.
We have a system where
very few separating couples
go to court, most people just
solve this between themselves.
- We have this form.
It's an agreement that we
share the custody of our son.
- You just print it out,
sign it, and send it.
- [Man] We don't
have to go to court,
or hire a lawyer, or
anything to do this.
(engaging music)
- [Ginger] In Malmo,
Sweden, sisters Eleanor
and Anna have spent
equal time with their parents
since they separated
over 15 years ago.
- We have two different
lives more or less.
You know you have life with
mum and your house with mum,
and then you've
got your life with dad.
I find that very fun.
(bright music)
- In Sweden, it's
not really a decision.
It's very hard to remove the
guardianship from one parent.
That parent has to
be really, really unfit.
Otherwise, you know,
you're stuck with 'em.
(engaging music)
- What parents discuss in
Sweden when they split up
is how the children should
live more than money.
- It's obviously not perfect.
If one of the parents
doesn't want to cooperate
and makes it difficult then
they're always going to do that.
But, if the basis of the law
is going to be split-evenly
and both parents are
gonna be involved,
then at least you have
a better starting point.
- Think about the child.
It's not just what you want.
It's what they're
going to grow up with
and what they're going to have,
and this is their life
too, it's not just yours.
- The great news is also
that if the marriage itself
was more conflictual
but you learn to get
along better afterwards,
kids do much better.
If default shared
parenting became the norm,
the legal system could
be more focused on things
that really are significant,
document the child abuse cases.
It would be wonderful if
people thought this is sort
of where we're starting
and only if we prove
that we cannot do it,
that's when we have
to move to this
adversarial process.
It would really change the face
of how people manage divorces.
- [Ginger] When parents
can't reach an agreement
on their own, mediation
can provide an alternative
to a courtroom trial and
help them work together
in the best interests
of their children.
- My theory on litigation
is if any custody case gets
in front of a judge, there
is a mental health problem.
Either one or
both of the litigants
have mental health issues
or possibly the lawyers do.
- If you spend two or three
days saying everything bad
you can think of
about the other person,
and I award some sort of a
joint custody arrangement.
It's hard to undo the
damage and have
people walk out
and parent together.
Baltimore County decided
to put on court staff,
mediators who worked
just in the courthouse,
just doing court mediation.
I don't know of another court
that has on staff mediators
that can provide
high-quality outcomes.
- She'll make some
recommendations,
which helpfully assist the
family in resolving it amicably,
and without the need
to try the case in court.
- I've seen it many times where
parents go in
angry, aggressive--
- I don't tell them
that you're a drunk.
They know you are.
- Yes you do, stop.
- What is it that would
help you to move forward?
- [Mary] And by the end
of a mediation session
they're actually
helping each other.
- I mean at the end of
the day you'll have a trial
and a judge will
make a decision.
Somebody always
feels like they won.
Somebody feels like they lost.
They don't buy into the outcome.
It's not the best way
to get to a good result.
You want a child to have
as good a relationship
as they can have
with both parents
and you want it to be as
smooth as you can make it.
(engaging music)
- There's a lot of
incentives to keep things
the way they are, particularly
by the American Bar
Association and other folks.
- There's a lot of
money in divorce,
and with shared parenting
there's less conflict,
less conflict,
fewer billable hours.
- Pay up and you're on your way
to get ridding of that
vermin you call a spouse.
(engaging music)
- There's very real
potential for this state
to lose federal funding,
and I'm talking millions,
possibly 100s of
millions of dollars.
This issue has not
been addressed
by those in favor of this law.
- What's in the best
interest of the kid is not
to worry about how
much federal dollars
we're gonna get from
food stamps in this country.
That's ridiculous.
(engaging music)
- I represent the
Family Law Foundation.
The Foundation is
respectfully against the bill.
- In Florida, when the bill
advanced though the Senate,
and the House, and was
on its way to the Governor,
the Bar Association spent $11000
to hire emergency
lobbyists to defeat the bill.
In North Dakota, they've
been sued and lost,
because they misused $70000
to run an advertising campaign
against a shared
parenting ballot measure.
- [Protestors] Sign the bill!
Sign the bill!
- [Ginger] Until the system
is redesigned to help families,
Ashlynn, Lauren, Brian,
and countless others
will attempt to heal their
families on their own.
- My advice to parents
divorcing with kids
is to be respectful
to each other
and watch how you
act around your children.
- I would ask her if she
could keep my siblings
and I out of it, I know she
didn't do it intentionally.
- They need to always
let the child know
that there's love and support
no matter what happens.
- To just be there
for your kids.
- Don't be afraid
to ask for help.
- By the way, I have a new line
of essential oils I'm carrying.
- I was right in the middle
of doing a hair coloring.
I turn around and
there's my wife Kelli
and my other daughter
Carala, and then I saw her.
- And he dropped his hair
dryer and just ran to me.
And, we both started crying.
And, the whole
salon started clapping.
Like everybody knew the story.
- It was like a
scene out of a movie.
(bright music)
- It was awesome.
It was probably one of
the best moments of my life.
(delicate piano music)
It's amazing living with my dad.
He's great.
- Do you want toast?
- Yes, thanks.
- He is someone that
I can always talk to.
He's nothing like
I was told he was,
not even in the slightest.
- I'll go through anything
and everything with you,
side-by-side, just like I said,
when you decide to get
your GED and we do it,
I'll go with you
and I'll do it too.
My daughter here and
I have been alienated
from each other for
the majority of her life.
She called me and said,
"Dad it's to move home."
And, she came home.
Well, I made the mistake
when she was 10-years-old
to sign my rights away, I
never got to see them again.
- Which was part of the deal.
- Yeah.
In about 10 minutes
we're gonna leave
for the courthouse
to file paperwork,
so I can legally
re-adopt my daughter.
So she will be my daughter once
again in the eyes of the law.
Whereas in our hearts we
know and it doesn't matter,
she's my little girl, if
something was to happen
she wants to make sure
that myself and her step-mom,
soon to be on the
paperwork, her adopted mom,
will be the ones to
make those tough choices
if they ever need to be made.
- I think she's always
gonna be my mom
and I'm always gonna love her.
It's just she kind of
lost the title of mom.
- To just wanna
totally cut out one set
and go with other
set, it was hard.
After a while I felt like
since I had kind of done
a similar thing maybe
I just need to back off
and give it some
time and go from there.
- [Ginger] If you
could talk to her
right now, what
would you tell her?
- If I could talk
to her right now?
I don't even know
what I would say.
I would just be so happy
that's she's talking to me.
- Sometimes when you
see children as they grow up,
choose a side, perhaps
even going towards the parent
that they didn't grow
up with and rejecting
the parent that they
did grow up with,
what they're trying
to do is avoid conflict.
It would be great if
they could find a way
to have relationships
with both parents
and as they grow up be
able to explain to both parents,
"I'm not getting in
the middle of this.
"I'm going to have a
relationship with both of you
"and I don't wanna
hear it," basically.
But, I don't think
that all children feel
that assertive, even
as they grow up.
- [Ginger] After a decade
together, Brian's dad, Rick,
and his step-mom
Karyn, divorced.
Once again, Brian found
himself torn between two parents.
- I believe I was about 22 when
Karyn and Rick got divorced.
For the first few
months of the separation
I would flip flop, be
like, "No, my dad's right
"so I need to stand by his side.
"I need to be loyal to him."
And then I'd be
like, "Karyn's right.
"I need to stay by her."
I think after so many
months I realized
it was just tearing me apart,
and that's when I was like
I'm not gonna
deal with their shit.
(door knocks)
- Hey baby, how are you?
- I think that's
probably why I was able
to have that relationship
with Caroline as well.
It's like I can
choose this relative,
what some people call
loyalty, or I could choose
the relative, having my own
independent relationships.
- [Caroline] Guess who that is?
- I don't now, he's
a good-looking kid.
- Yeah.
- So, I'm guessing me.
Now, that we do have a
relationship I look to try
to find some of
those good memories,
and it's been
exceedingly difficult.
Seeing these, I feel like I
don't remember any of 'em.
- It had nothing to do with you.
I wanted to get down
there and there were times
where your dad and
Karyn would tell me
that either you didn't
want me to come down,
or you had stuff going on, I
wasn't able to force myself
in there 'cause
they wouldn't let me.
- I think that where
I sit as the child,
I wanted you there to
have someone nearby,
knowing that I could go
there when I was ready to.
Does that make sense?
- Yeah, I didn't know
that you felt that way.
I didn't think you
wanted me there.
- I can understand what
you're saying and I get it,
as an adult you have
to think about taking care
of yourself and trying to
figure it out and move on.
It's like, how far do you push?
- At one point, your step-mom
sent me some pictures
that we had taken with us in it
and she cut me
out of the pictures,
and sent me the other
part back with a note
that said, "Thought you
might want these, K."
And it destroyed me
and it broke my heart,
and I didn't know what to do.
- It's not liked I'd cut her
out of 'em, 'cause obviously
in the photo album there's
lots of pictures of her.
The people that I
was with were just like,
"Oh, well just throw 'em away."
And I was like, "No,
that's kinda weird.
"Like, I'm just gonna
send 'em back to her."
(engaging dramatic music)
- I've judged you guys.
I've judged all of you
for different actions
and it's like we still don't
always mesh at the same time
and we have our
disagreements, but I learn more
from those than I
do from being alone
and I don't like that
more than having
to go through it and
just forgive and move on.
- Life right now is just
forgiving and moving on?
- It's so much easier just
not dealing with people's shit.
- Yeah.
I don't know if I ever
had a desire to win,
because I didn't
feel like I ever could,
but I did have a desire
at some point to be right.
All that stuff doesn't
matter anymore.
What matters is where
we're at right now.
(engaging music)
I think that was the best thing
that happened to me
in a really long time.
- Hearing me--
- [Caroline] Hearing
you call me mom.
(engaging dramatic music)
- [Ginger] Why are
you trying to talk
to your brother so
much if he's so rude?
- I'm trying to talk to
my brother because
he's my brother and I
miss him, and I love him,
and I'm trying to convince
him to snap out of it.
- She feels like her
only solution is to try
and talk to her brother and
convince him to come back.
(clock ticks)
- "My actions do not
put me in the wrong,
"as your mom has caused me
so much trouble over the years.
"I want a relationship
but if you cannot respect
"that I don't want
anything to do with her,
"then we will have to wait
until you're older to talk."
I said, "It kinda seems like you
hate mom more than you love me."
I did have to grow up a
bit faster and cope with
all these big words
like alienation.
"You can tell mom that I
now have this conversation
"of proof that you've
been alienated against me.
"I think I might send
this to my lawyer,
"because I'm not
alienated, you are.
I said, "Why can't we
just be normal siblings
"and talk about normal
things, even though
"we aren't normal why
can't we pretend like we are?"
(engaging dramatic music)
(clock ticks)
- I never believed this could
be possible, to be here today,
Ash you don't just live here,
today we get to fix the wrong.
- I forgive that she doesn't
care and I've moved on
from that and I just have
no interest on the subject.
But, it's different
when you're a dad.
- I don't know.
I have to focus on the
daughters that are here,
that need their dad,
that want their dad.
So, that's where my focus is.
All right we're off.
(bright engaging music)
- [Ashlynn] I'm writing
this letter regarding a legal
adult adoption between by
step-mother and my birth father.
- [Dizzy] My biggest
fear here is that
because I signed my
rights away the judge
is gonna look at this
case a little bit differently.
- My birth mother alienated me
from my birth father
for over a decade.
- I mean, I'm a father
that "voluntarily"
relinquished my parental rights,
and now I'm trying
to get 'em back.
(suspenseful music)
How are you doing?
- You know what, I am
preparing myself for anything,
because I mean there's
an order of protection
in place right now and
that's on my record.
They run my name, they
see an order of protection
and it's gonna list who it is.
It's gonna list the children.
What if the judge says no, I
can't even think about that.
- This adoption is the
missing piece in my puzzle,
not the ending to my
story but a new beginning.
Sincerely, Ashlynn Marie Lerner.
- [Judge Gibson] Well
thanks, so congratulations.
(cheering)
- Thank you, your Honor.
- [Judge Gibson] I'm glad
you all got back together.
- Me too!
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- How bout a picture?
You know, I do
recall this Lerner case.
I think I may have
had him in front of me
when I was in my
family law assignment.
It was a very
emotional adoption.
- I'm your new daughter.
- I love you so much.
- In family law we only
address what is in front of us.
We don't go check up and say,
"Hey, how did that work out?"
We're so busy and there's
just no avenue to do that.
We expect that if people are
having problems then they are
to bring that issue to
court so we can address it.
- [Ginger] What if
getting help to reunite
with your raised
child didn't depend
on you going back to
family court, hiring a lawyer,
or navigating a complex
legal process on your own?
What if all the resources spent
on child support enforcement
and adversarial court trials
were spent on promoting
shared parenting,
affordable mediation,
and access to mental
health services?
Until then, children like Ashlynn,
Lauren, Brian, and Candis
are reaching out to erased
family members on their own.
With no help or resources,
the results can be bittersweet.
- It's weird when I think
about the fact that Ashlynn
and I don't legally
have the same parents,
but I know she's
still my sister.
- [Ginger] Filming
these kids has taught me
that even a parent isn't
perfect and none are,
erasing a parent
does lasting harm.
We need to stop assigning
blame and start helping
parents to be in
their kids' lives.
- It has been eight months
seen I've seen my children.
It's been over four years since
I've been able to hug them,
hold their hand,
or take their picture.
- I haven't seen my sisters
for four and a half years.
- I haven's seen my daughters
for more than five years.
- I haven't seen her
in almost two years.
- My son here,
who's three-years-old
has not been able to meet
his two other siblings, so--
- He left me when I was a baby.
- We wanted to tell you
how much we miss you.
- I want him to know how
much his dad loves him.
- I just wanted to share
some of the pain that I felt.
- I love them and
I'm here for them.
- We were best friends.
- I want you to come home.
- And I wanna just
see your smile again.
- And I'm sad to say
I'm an erased mommy.
- I'm an erased dad.
- I'm an erased sister.
- And I do believe that
one day we will reunite.
(engaging dramatic music)
(delicate folk music)
I took my time
getting off that plane
Thought to myself, is this
a good idea or just insane
All this way for a
man I've never met
His name ain't even
on my birth certificate
He's nervous too, I bet
So much inside me
I would like to say
But I'll just say, Hey
Standing in this
baggage zone
I couldn't feel
any more alone
Is this the way she felt
The last 18 years
Thinking I chose
not to be around
I had no idea
until she found me
And now she's standing here
I didn't want to let the
words get in the way
So I just said, Hey
Hey, I'm glad to
finally meet you
Share my story,
what I've been through
To find the part of
me that I never knew
Time and distance
seem so small now
Kinda takes my breath away
How much of me I
see when I look at you
A new chapter in
my life began today
When you said, Hey
I know that this must
be so hard for you
I think it's so brave
that you asked me to
I wasn't sure of
the right thing to do
Til I heard that little
word then I knew
Hey, I'm glad to
finally meet you
Share my story
what I've been through
To find the part of
me that I never knew
Time and distance
seem so small now
Kinda takes my breath away
How much of me I
see when I look at you
A new chapter in
my life began today
When you said, Hey
A new world opened
up for me today
When you said, Hey