Ernest Goes to Camp (1987) Movie Script

[Crickets chirp, owl hoots]
[Drums beating]
[Drumming and chanting
[Wind whistling]
[Wind whistling]
[Drumming and chanting
[Wind whistling]
[Drumming and chanting stop]
in native language]
in native language]
[Metal rattling]
"Safety first"...
that's my motto.
When one is doing
dangerous work,
one must pay careful attention
to the safety of one's body,
know what I mean?
But one day,
I'll be a camp counselor,
and I'll be running this place.
I'll be shaping and molding
youthful minds
into a focused worldview.
Ernest P. Worrell,
camp counselor,
an extraordinary thing
to witness.
Ugh! Ugh!
[Engine stops]
[Birds chirping]
[Breathing heavily]
[Engine rumbling]
[Grunts, water gurgles]
[Water gurgling]
[Water gurgling]
[Water gurgling]
[Water gurgling]
[Water gurgling]
[Water gurgling]
[Water gurgling]
[Water gurgling]
Ah heh heh heh heh
heh heh heh heh heh heh.
[Porcelain creaking]
[Toilet flushes]
[Boys cheering]
Okay, off the bus!
Off the bus!
Come on! Let's go!
Let's go! Let's go!
Get a line.
Get a line going.
Get a line going.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Move quick. Move it.
Let's go, gentlemen!
Let's go!
Move it out!
Hey, fellas.
Welcome to Kamp Kikakee.
I've got everything fixed up
for you at the cabins,
know what I mean?
Well, look who's here, huh?
Just like old times, huh?
Remember all the fun
we had last summer?
Hey, let's start things off
right. What do you say?
My ha...
My ha...
my... ha...
my hand... hands!
You got a bad attitude,
Let's go! Let's go!
Move it!
Let's go! Let's go!
[Boys shouting indistinctly]
Straighten up these lines.
Come on. Let's go.
Welcome to another great summer
here at Kamp Kikakee!
[Boys cheering]
Right here
on this very ground,
Indians once tested
their young braves
and taught them the ways
of the forest.
And right here, you'll be
tested and taught, too,
just as they were hundreds
of years ago...
fire building, cooking,
wilderness survival.
For those of you who accept
the challenge,
there'll be a ceremony
of the blade... the stone...
and the arrow.
All right, guys...
Let's go!
[Boys cheering]
Man: Hup!
Hup! Hup!
Hup! And up!
All right, hit the deck...
Crank out 10.
Morning, Ernest.
Oh, hi, Miss St. Cloud.
The sun rides high...
in... its path...
across the heavens.
Where... is the red...
chaise lounge?
Ernest, what I
came down here for is...
You know, engineering
your lifeguard stand
is an important business.
You have got to figure
your angles just right.
Course, I won't always be
fixin' things around here.
One day I will be
a full-fledged counselor.
I have learned all the steps
in the path of the brave,
I have memorized
the handbook,
and I learned
the Kikakee sign language.
If only they'd give a fella
a chance.
I'm sure they will,
But the real reason
I'm here
is to see if you've gotten
all your shots.
[Chuckles] Yeah...
How's that grandfather
of yours nowadays?
I haven't seen him around
Oh, he's out at his place.
I worry about him sometimes.
He's so old.
But these woods are
his home.
Yeah, he's a wise man.
Doesn't believe in
modern things like... shots.
That's right.
He lives by the old ways.
In fact, he thinks I'm
wasting time studying medicine.
Shouldn't you, uh,
have a little more practice
before you go around
stickin' needles in people?
I've had lots of practice.
If I keep doing it,
I might even get good at it.
See? A... cold, wet nose.
Color's good.
No fever.
Come on, now, Ernest.
You know this isn't
going to hurt...
I can take it,
Miss St. Cloud.
Real men can take it,
and I'm a real man...
a man with a hearty smile,
a stout back...
with grit in his teeth
and nails in his knuckles,
a man who has never
tasted quiche...
Is that
your smallest needle?
I did it!
I took the Lindbergh baby!
I am Josef Mengele!
[Papers rustling]
Well, as you men know,
our camp's been selected
by the governor's staff
to take part in his, uh, program
for disadvantaged youngsters.
He calls it, uh,
"Operation: Second Chance."
Some camps have
all the luck.
And I just got notification that
the second-chancers are gonna be
ready to be picked up today,
and I wanted you guys
to be prepared for it.
Better hide
your wallets.
Yeah, and get out
your brass knuckles.
We're already short-handed.
How are we gonna handle
those delinquents?
Oh, they're not
They're just boys from
a bit rougher environment
than most of us.
You mean
underage criminals.
No, they're not.
They're all residents of
the State Institute For Boys,
but they're not criminals.
Stennis, I'm gonna let you
be their counselor.
Why do I get stuck
with them?
Because you've got
the most experience.
Besides, after you get
to know those boys...
Oh, I'm not gonna take
any crap off of them.
If they get out of line,
I'm gonna knock 'em back in.
Ross, Ross...
listen to me.
Just do the best
you can.
If you can't handle it,
- [Bones crack]
we'll have no choice.
We'll have to send them back.
Oh, I can handle 'em
all right.
Yeah, a little discipline is
probably just what they need.
Uh, Ernest,
will you take the bus over
and get those
second-chancers for me?
[Thud, glass breaking]
[Engine rumbling]
Bad luck and me,
we are old friends
Dealt me the losing hand
once again
Now I'm doin' time,
and time ain't kind
Sun comes up,
but it don't ever shine
Boy, I can't wait
to get outta here.
Anyplace is better
than this dump.
Shut up, you two.
Last warning...
you get out of line,
and you don't go.
[Engine revs, brakes squeak]
All boys in Section 6,
report immediately
to the exercise yard.
Hi, fellas.
of learnin' the ways
of the forest
and the path of the brave
and that sort of thing?
If you ask me,
this second-chance stuff
is a total waste of time,
Mister, uh...
Oh, uh, Worrell...
Ernest P. Worrell.
I don't envy whoever
has to look after
this bunch of punks.
They're trouble
all the way.
My motto is,
"I never met a bad kid."
Then let me introduce you
to some.
These misfits were selected
by their ward officers
as those most in need
of help.
This is the ringleader,
Bobby Wayne.
He's been in and out
of institutions like this
since he was 11.
Since I was 9.
And this is Crutchfield,
12 years old
and already a master thief.
It's like a gift
or somethin'
Well, thanks.
Uh, here's Danny Simpson.
He comes from a long line
of troublemakers.
It's a family tradition.
I've got a reputation
to uphold.
And the Albert Einstein
of this institution,
Chip O zgood.
Butch "Too Cool" Vargas.
[Door opens, closes]
Hey, Moose!
Hurry up, man!
It's Moustafa,
the runt of the litter.
I told you...
it's dangerous to run
with things in your mouth.
Yes, ma'am.
I'm sorry.
Uh, well, uh, all aboard
that's goin' ashore.
Here we go...
life in the fast lane.
Whoa. Nice bus.
Does it run?
Boy, we're gonna have
a great time this summer.
We got boating
and, uh, campin'
and swimmin'
and Indian Lore,
and I've got everything
fixed up for you, too.
Guess who!
Uh, let's see.
Uh, Bobby?
- No, no.
- No.
- No.
Uh, um, not Moose.
It's not Ozgood.
Now, don't tell me, really.
Really, I'm really good at this.
I really am.
[Engine revving]
- Let's see...
- Turn left, Ernest!
[Horn blares]
[Tires screech]
Uh, Vargas.
No? Okay.
Hey, guys, when
the new campers get here,
let's give 'em a big
Kamp Kikakee welcome, okay?!
Oh, the leader's
the biggest geek of them all.
Not Crutchfield.
Crutchfield! That's it!
I knew it was Crutchfield
all along.
[Brakes squeak, glass breaks]
[Hinges squeak, thud]
What happened?
Ernest wasn't watching
the road.
All right, you guys move out.
This ain't a pleasure cruise.
Come on. Move.
You guys, line up.
Frankly, I'm disappointed
in you, Ernest.
I give you
a simple task to do,
and this is what I get.
I don't know how
you can ever expect
to be a counselor.
You're right,
Mr. Tipton.
He's just not
counselor material.
Uh, Mist... it's...
it's not my fault.
All right, let's go.
I was... [Coughs]
I mean I was...
I'm sorry, Mr. Tipton.
I'll try to do better.
Let's go.
Keep it moving.
[Birds chirping]
[Exhales deeply]
Well, this is it...
your home away from prison.
Stennis, the delinquents
you ordered...
all yours.
Have fun, guys.
The name's Stennis...
Counselor Stennis to you.
Let's go. Move it.
All right,
get this place cleaned up.
Mess hall, 10 minutes.
What a dump!
[Indistinct conversations]
[All talking]
[Talking subsides]
Here comes the riffraff.
Looks like
"Project: Last Chance" to me.
Come on, gang.
Follow me.
Well, well.
Looks like daddy's little
gentlemen are glad to see us.
Yeah, if white bread
could talk, it'd fit
in right here.
There's a lot of love
in this room.
I can feel it,
and it's a beautiful thing.
Yeah. I'm moved.
[Liquid bubbling]
Hi, fellas.
Boy, do I have
something special prepared
for your first day at camp.
- [Fly buzzing]
- Hey, what is this stuff?
Oh, it's sugar puffs
with a gravy casserole
with just a cuwcah
of bologna-walnut fudge
in a pork marinade.
I think it'll be
a real boost for the fiber
of American youth.
Isn't it, Jake?
Why, of course it is.
Doesn't smell too bad.
[Buzzing continues]
Yeah, that's the guy
who once ate two pounds
of modeling clay.
Modeling clay!
Yellow modeling clay!
That's the secret ingredient
to eggs erroneous.
We re-fuse the proteins
like bullion.
Of course it would!
Uh, get back to work!
Modeling clay...
Modeling clay.
[Indistinct conversations]
Oh! Ho ho!
Did the little fellow
fall down and go boom?
Looks like he needs
special classes in walking.
Hey, dipstick, you ever
pick on anybody your own size,
or just little kids?
Hey, can I help it
if the kid can't walk?
It was an accident.
Accident, huh?
Well... whoops!
What do you know?
Another accident!
There must be something
going around.
[All shouting indistinctly]
[Shouting continues]
Stop it!
Stop it!
[Shouting stops]
What do you think
you're doing?
- This!
- This!
[Shouting resumes]
[Shouting stops]
Oh, my God.
He can't breathe!
Well, let's do something.
Come on.
Come on, guys! I got him!
I got him! Guys, I got him!
Back up!
Hold steady, now!
[Thud, Ernest groans]
[Rubble falling]
This ditch has got to go
all the way to the waterfront,
Maybe by then some of the fight
will be out of your system.
Man, this isn't fair.
They started it.
Yeah, man!
They tripped Moose!
You boys have got to learn...
if you play... you pay.
Hey, don't work
too hard, fellas.
Yeah, life's a ditch,
Can you dig it?
I just want one clean shot
at blondie.
Now, Eddie, if you don't
stir it, it'll clot on ya.
Something burnin'
Here. Look what we got
for ya.
Look at that.
Jake's specialty du jour...
eggs erroneous.
It's made with powdered eggs
and 17 herbs and spices
smuggled into this country
by Tibetan monks.
Ernest, I want you to cut
yourself a big knock
out of
these eggs erroneous.
No, I-I can't eat
on an empty stomach.
of course you can.
Eddie does, and look at
that rosy glow to his teeth.
[Bell dings]
- Oh, come on, now.
- No.
Now, Ernest, would
somebody dressed like this
lie to you about food?
Fond as I am
of Tibetan cooking,
a hungry lion hunts best,
know what I mean?
Now, come on.
Take you a little bite.
- Come on, now.
- No.
- Open big.
- No.
- Come on.
- No.
- Ernest...
- No!
- Ernest...
- No!
- Ernest!
- No!
It's time for the plane
to go to hangar.
[Liquid bubbling]
sputtering engine]
[Engine roars]
A rabbit, Jake!
We could use a rabbit!
That's it! A rabbit!
A big, fat rabbit
with all of its shots!
Hey, you boys got a look
all your own.
- Who-oa!
- Should've been ready.
You snooze, you lose.
[Grunts, laughs]
You just watch it!
I'll get you!
[Boys cheering]
All right.
Everybody to the line.
[Diving board rattling]
everybody in the water.
Wow, this is great!
Come on, Moose!
Moose-tafa... Moose...
whatever they call you...
So... you're the only one
that can't swim, eh?
[Boys shouting]
No... please.
Well, you're gonna learn...
the Stennis way.
[Crying] No!
I can't swim!
Somebody help!
Thanks, Ernest.
I could've made it.
Glad to help out.
Well, meatheads,
we're gonna try this again.
This time it's to the end
of the lake and back.
Everybody in the water.
[All grunting]
My leg.
My l... [Coughs]
He's learning to swim
the Stennis way.
My leg! Aah!
[Crickets chirp]
It's a shame about
Counselor Stennis' accident.
It was no accident.
I don't know
what to do.
I mean, it's important to make
the experiment work.
Send 'em back!
Get 'em out of here!
These guys have no respect
for anything.
The main problem is we're
already short-handed.
What we need is
another counselor.
I got an idea.
Ernest, uh,
have you ever had
any group-leadership
Uh, I had
an ant farm once.
Close enough.
How would you like to be
a counselor?
Are you kiddin'
Y-You mean a-a real counselor?
A counselor like you guys,
a counselor?
Just like us, Ernest.
Uh, oh, Mr. Tipton, uh,
that's great.
And... and I'll do
a great job... a great job...
and I'll do
my regular work, too.
Oh, I can't believe it's
true... me, a counselor.
Oh, a-a real counselor.
I can't believe it.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Tipton.
Thank you,
thank you, thank you.
A real counselor...
a really, really real, real,
really, really, really,
real counselor.
Thank you, Mr. Tipton.
Thank you. [Smooches]
[Metal rattling]
As your counselor,
I will be taking you
deep into the forest
in search of actual nature.
We'll be traveling fast,
moving light, keeping our ears
to the grindstone.
So stay together,
be remindful of the weather,
and, for Heaven's sakes,
don't pick it,
or it will never heal.
[Metal rattling]
This guy looks like
a walking army-surplus store.
The Salvation Army.
I feel like the blind
are leading the stupid.
What a loser.
[Birds and crickets
Hey, Rambo,
where are we goin'
Maybe he knows
a shortcut.
Maybe we're lost.
What is this,
"Wild Kingdom"?
Yeah, boys, isn't it great
to get off the beaten path,
get out where nature
really lives?
None of that theme-park stuff
here, know what I mean?
Come on, Ernest.
You're gonna get us lost.
Well, we were lost
for weeks in Nam.
I was under fire,
my body riddled with shrapnel,
malaria, mono...
wet socks.
So... how do we get out
of here?
Yeah, we were...
we were rough, tough,
and hard to bluff.
Men of iron,
men who had never
tasted quiche.
Well, you couldn't even
get quiche in nam.
Gosh, Ernest, I guess
you've done about everything.
Some men try,
and some men die.
[Snaps fingers]
[Rumbling, explosions]
He's waitin' on you.
Mr. Blatz... Mr. Blatz?
It looks like we're making
progress, sir.
This sample is
over 20% petrocite.
Well, this little expedition
may be worth something yet.
Talk to me, George.
Well, Mr. Blatz,
I've been studying the results
of the exploratories,
and the big hit is right here
at Kamp Kikakee.
Blatz here yet?
[Exhales deeply]
Did you get it?
I couldn't get
the old Indian to budge.
he might as well be
on another planet.
I don't want
your excuses.
I want results.
All right, Sherman,
I'll give it another try.
Do I have to remind you,
Mr. Blatz,
just how valuable petrocite
is to the space program
and every other defense
contractor in the world?
What we're
talking about here
is the largest deposit
ever found.
There are millions
at stake here...
so why don't you
get your tight, little
lawyer's butt
over to the camp
and get me that lease?
Learning to make a fire
without matches and gasoline
is essential.
[Birds chirping]
You need to know
the basic physics of friction.
It's a simple rule
of nature.
You know, you can make
a fire this way.
Boy, is it painful.
[Leaves rustling,
metal rattling]
Do you believe
this guy?
Boys, look!
A family of badgers.
Just as I promised you...
actual nature.
El Badgerus Maximus Ferocius
with young.
The young look just like
the regular badgers,
only smaller.
Now, here's a lesson
to be learned...
although they look cute
and cuddly,
don't ever, ever do this
to a family of badgers.
Aba daba daba daba
daba daba daba!
[Badgers growling, chomping]
[Ernest screaming]
All right!
Time to practice first aid!
- Hey, yeah, let's go!
Come on!
- Yeah!
[Muffled voice]
This is a real nice
field dressing, fellas,
but I can't breathe.
[Muffled laughter]
W-What's that, Ernest?
I-I can't hear you.
You've got gauze
in your mouth.
I said I can't breathe!
Get me out of here, fast!
D-Did you say fast?
- Uh-huh.
- [Laughter]
Okay, no... no problem.
We'll have you
out of there in a jiffy.
[Birds chirping]
[Keys jingle,
engine turns over]
Just stick tight.
We'll be out of there.
Just hold on.
[Engine revs]
Mnh! Mnh!
Mnh! Mnh!
[Muffled shouting]
[Shouting continues]
What happened?
Uh, Ernest was teaching us
first aid.
Well... at least
nobody was hurt.
[Ernest groans]
Look, Miss St. Cloud,
how can I convince you here?
This is the chance of a lifetime
for you and your grandfather.
Now, he will receive 5%...
5% royalty, chief...
on every ounce of petrocite
that Krader Mining
pulls from the ground.
Now, we're talking
a lot of money here...
well over a million dollars
in just the first year.
All right,
I'll try again...
Thank you.
But I know my grandfather.
You will have great wealth
if you let these men
own the land.
native language]
He says,
"Who can own a tree?
"Who can own a rock?
Only the great spirit."
[Birds chirping]
Mr. Blatz,
this camp is here
because these were
ancient ceremonial grounds.
My grandfather and I are
the last members of our tribe.
This is part
of a sacred trust.
My grandfather thinks
of those boys as young braves
who keep alive the tradition
of our ancestors.
[Inhales deeply]
[Briefcase clicks]
I'm sorry to hear that,
Miss St. Cloud...
...but have a nice day.
[Indistinct conversations]
Hey, Bobby Wayne,
let's see that.
Now, that is a real beauty.
Let your old buddy Ernest
show you how to put
a razor edge on that dog.
How 'bout it?
First, you wet the stone.
That's the hard part.
[Smacks lips]
Then you hold the knife
at a perfect 45-degree angle
and run it briskly
down the stone...
[Metal scrapes]
And through the meat
of the hand.
There you go, razor sharp.
Ah heh heh heh heh.
Is that a rabbit
over there?
- First aid?
- First aid.
[Engine rumbling]
Eddie, the way I've got
this figured is...
the new liver-loaf
lunch arranger
can feed the entire camp
in... in two minutes.
l-lt slices, it dices,
it juliennes...
and it teaches respect!
Yes, Jake, the liver-loaf
lunch arranger
has taken us
one step closer
to the elusive
eggs erroneous.
Ready, Eddie?!
Lobster bisque!
Lobster bisque, here!
Ready, ready!
[High-pitched voice] No, no,
not the lobster bisque!
[Normal voice]
Oh, you don't want to go
in the liver-loaf arranger?
[High-pitched voice] No!
[Normal voice] Okay,
I won't put you in there then.
Get outta here!
You and your sappy
friend, too.
[High-pitched voice]
No, no!
Ah ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha!
I love crustaceans, Jake.
Put him in.
All right, got it, Jake.
Got it.
Elevate, elevate!
Pretty good, Jake.
Chicken potpie!
Chicken potpie, Jake.
Comin' your way, Eddie!
Rockin' fire!
Shoot it, baby!
Shoot it!
Ah ha ha!
[Motor whirring]
I want you to go long
this time, Eddie.
Ready, Jake!
And now for
Fettuccine Alfredo.
Fettuccine Alfredo, Jake.
First, the fettuccine...
And then a little Italian
named Fredo.
[Italian accent]
No, mmma mia!
Not in the liver-loaf
[Normal voice]
Of course in there.
Let 'er rip, Jake.
[Motor whirring]
All right! Yeah!
[Air hissing]
[Crickets chirp]
[Breathing heavily]
[Jet engine blasts, roars]
Ah heh heh heh
heh heh heh.
[Gasps] Ugh!
[Metal clanks]
- [Sizzling]
- Oww!
[Chips clinking]
It's all right.
it's okay here...
compared to
the institute.
Yeah. I sort of like
actual nature.
Full boat...
ladies and cowboys.
Aw, man!
That's it for me.
What are y'all doin', huh?
Ahh, poker.
It looks like I'm gonna
have to teach you
a little lesson in gaming.
Put on the eggs, mama,
'cause daddy's gonna
bring home the bacon,
know what I mean?
Oh, sure, Ernest.
Hey, deal him in, Oz.
Come on over here,
good luck.
Yeah, I remember once
I was playing dollar ante
with a bunch of roughnecks
from down around
the oil fields of Delacroix.
We were playing
5-card Mexican Gorilla Sweat,
deuces and treses wild,
and, boys, I was catching cards
like I had 12 fingers,
know what I mean?
[Chips clinking]
I get paid on Fridays.
I could let you have
$30 a week.
That means I'd be paid up
in 14 years...
and a couple of months.
[Engine rumbling]
Site four's got to be
cleared tonight,
and they're still in there!
Listen to me! There are
such things as laws.
There are proper channels.
You can't just go into
somebody's house and take...
What are you doing here?
They're still in there!
Sherman, can we not give
this family
just a little more time?
Do they have any
legal right to be there?
Technically... no.
Then get rid of them.
Thank you.
This house is the last thing
in our way.
[Woman and girl crying]
I'll tell you, you ain't
gonna take our home.
I don't care
what the paper says.
Woman: No! No!
- Get outta here!
- I'm out!
Get out of here now!
Now, why don't you give me
some more of your excuses
as to why you don't have
that lease for Kamp Kikakee?!
[Door closes,
engine turns over]
[Crying continues]
Boy, the guys
are gonna love this.
Am I a genius or what?
[Metal clanking]
[Fire crackling]
[Engine turns over, rumbles]
[Whistling melodically]
[Engine stops]
[Engine starts]
Heh heh heh heh heh.
Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh, oh! Oh!
Ohh! No, no, No-o-o-o!
Oh! Oh!
Aaah! Aaah!
[Engine stops]
Ah heh heh heh
heh heh heh.
[Engine starts]
Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
Ow! Ooh!
[Air hisses]
Ahhh. Ahhh.
[Mud sloshing]
Uh! Uh-uh-uh!
[Indistinct conversations]
[Boy laughs]
Before we begin
today's activities,
I want to remind you
that as a part of the path
of the brave,
each cabin will have a project.
That project should reflect
the proud tradition
of Kamp Kikakee.
- Wow.
- Wow.
- Wow.
The winner of last year's
made a full Indian
ceremonial headdress.
- So what?
- So what?
- So what?
This year...
I hope that one of our group
will do even better.
Okay, fellas, let's get to it!
[Cheers and applause]
[Indistinct conversations]
Okay, men, I want you to give
some special thought
to the competition
Mr. Tipton talked about.
Who knows?
We might even beat 'em
at their own game.
Yeah, with a little teamwork,
with a little blood
and sweat and tears,
we might just win.
Oh, come on, even a flounder
takes sides.
Anybody got any ideas?
We could quit 'cause
we don't have a chance.
Well, you know they ain't
gonna let us win anything.
They don't even
want us to be here.
Man: Let's move out!
Everybody to the archery range!
Come on, fellas,
we got to at least try.
I know! We could build
an authentic Indian tepee.
You know, we could cut
some tall poles,
and we could get some paint
and some special lashings and...
Ernest, if you really
want to build a tepee,
I'll help you.
Move it, short stuff!
We're waiting!
[Bird caws]
21 degrees northwest
by 7 degrees southeast...
divided by 6,
carry the one.
Miss St. Cloud:
Oh, hi, Ernest.
Oh, hi, Nurse St. Cloud.
Are you lost again?
Oh, no, no, no.
The woods are my home.
Yes, I have
a working knowledge
of every square inch
of this camp.
I am at one with nature.
Yeah, it's all
right here...
a keen sense of direction
and a firm grasp
on the throttle that
controls the elements.
Here. Have something
to eat.
Thank you. Ahh!
Peanut butter
on white bread...
my favorite
rustic outdoor food.
[Bird caws]
Ah, this is the life...
the great outdoors,
a beautiful woman,
plenty of food,
and fire ants.
Fire ants?!
Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Shh! Whatever you do,
keep a straight face.
Ernest, the boys
are here to see you.
Hey, Ernest!
You okay?
We heard about
the army of fire ants.
Yeah, we brought you
a cheer-up present. Here.
Ah! Thanks, fellas.
You know, whatever
they may say about you,
I'm gonna say, " Hey,
"you're talking about
my guys," know what I mean?
Go ahead,
smell them, Ernest.
They're good.
their aromatic bouquet.
This is swell.
This is the best
get-well present I ever had,
know what I mean?
Well, we'll see you,
Yeah, man,
we'll be seeing you.
- Catch you later.
- Bouquet!
Well, thanks, fellas.
Oh, man!
Those kids are really great,
aren't they?
That's what
they brought you?!
It's a get-well present
from the boys.
That's poison ivy, Ernest,
and with that much
you're gonna need
another shot.
Not again!
He was hugging it
and everything.
He said it was his best
get-well present.
I'm really disappointed
in you.
That wasn't very nice.
I was just a joke.
Yeah, besides,
he's a jerk.
Y-Yeah, well, we didn't mean
to do anything or...
Yeah, we didn't
mean nothing by it.
Okay, okay,
you're right.
It seems like the harder I try,
the worse things get.
I like the boys, but I don't
think they like me.
Mr. Tipton's
chewed me out twice.
I guess I had it coming,
but it's still no fun,
know what I mean?
This counselor business
is harder than I thought,
but it's what I want to do.
Come on, Pokey, I need
to talk to somebody.
I know you're dormant
and coldblooded
and all that, but...
Ow! Pokey!
Ow! You heartless beast!
Ow! Ow! [Panting]
Pokey, Pokey, my sinuses!
Pokey! Oh! You said
you'd never do this again!
Ow! Ow!
[Door squeaks]
Heh heh heh
heh heh heh.
Hey, Ernest!
You got a turtle
on your nose, man!
Oh, no, no, i-it's a zit.
It comes back
every now and then. Heh heh.
Hey, come on, fellas,
we can jerk that sucker
off there in just a second.
No! No, no!
The only way to get him off
is to sing him to sleep!
Okay, guys, come on.
A-one, A-two,
A-one, two, three.
Remember me and you
and you and me
No matter how they toss
the dice, it had to be
The only one for me is you
and you for me
So happy together
So, how is
the weather?
[Engine rumbling]
[Birds chirping]
[Saw scraping,
sandpaper scratching]
Boy: What's going on?
[Hammer pounding]
Well, look who's here.
It's the last-chance boys.
How you doin', guys?
They let you guys
run around loose?
What are you makin'
It looks like a skeleton
or something.
It's a kayak, airhead,
and this baby's gonna win
the competition
again for us
this year, pal.
What are you guys
None of your business.
Oh, a secret
project, huh?
I wonder
what that could be.
I bet they don't have
- We do too!
- Oh, sure you do.
Hey, you don't know
nothing about nothing, blondie,
and I know that for a fact.
Yeah, you'll see it
soon enough!
- Yeah, when we win.
- Ooh, I'm real scared.
That's it, man.
Come on, push me, punk!
Come on!
I'll have you
singing soprano!
- Shut up!
- Come on, Vargas.
- Don't tempt me.
- Come on, man.
They don't have anything.
Boy, what a bunch
of losers.
- Okay, guys, come on!
- You got me climbin'
Up from the bottom
You got me thinkin'
that we just can't lose
By pullin' together
We're gettin' stronger
We got a second chance,
and we'll break through
'Cause when you're fightin'
for your life
You hold on tight
Don't let go
till you see the light
Can't stop
till the race is run
- Yeah!
- All right!
- We're gonna win this one
- Whoo-hoo!
- Yeah!
You know, Moose,
recreating your genuine
Indian artifact
is not just another
handicraft. It is a art.
- Ernest?
- Mm-hmm?
Do you think
if we win this contest,
we could stay here forever
and not have to go back
to that old institute?
Well, if it was
up to me, Moose,
you'd stay right here
from now on.
Is it up to you?
I didn't think so.
[Shell clinks]
Well, it's no use talking
to the old Indian.
[Shell clinks]
I mean, the old guy
can't stop talking
about the old ways...
spirits, this kind of
voodoo mumbo jumbo.
you don't understand.
The old guy will not
listen to reason.
[Shell clinks]
I mean,
who can own a tree?
[Laughing] What?
You just haven't tried
hard enough.
Money talks!
Sherman, we could be
on very shaky ground here.
There's the old treaty...
This is the real world!
We're playing hardball!
You just can't be
soft and polite
and expect things
to come your way!
I got too much
riding on this...
and I'm not gonna let
some old Indian
throw a monkey wrench
into it.
Hey, hand me that string
over there, will you?
Yeah, the inside's really
starting to look nice.
These boys have really jumped
into this competition
with both feet.
They just needed something
to be proud of.
Hey, Crutch, next time
I run away from the institute,
I'm gonna build myself
one of these things.
Hey, dudes,
check it out.
Now, that's
no slouch job.
Hey, you know,
we just might win
this thing.
You know, I think
I might have a knack
for this
construction biz.
[Knife clinking]
[Birds chirping]
give me a hand.
I'll help you out.
And then he thought
he heard it,
and that's when Vernon
turned around
and looked in his rear window,
and there,
staring back at him,
was the Hook Man!
Ah ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha!
So, he stomped on the gas,
and he tore outta there!
And the next day, Vernon
went out to get in his car,
and there, hanging
on the rearview mirror,
was the hook!
I thought
it was supposed to be
on the door handle.
- Ha ha.
- Yeah.
Yeah, it was originally,
but, uh, but then Vernon hung it
on the rearview mirror,
you know, like a souvenir,
like dice and baby shoes.
Ah heh.
Well, does anybody else, uh,
have an interesting story?
Uh, chief, uh, can you
tell us a big story?
Heh heh heh.
[Speaking native language]
I speak
to the young braves
so that they may know
of the old ways.
[Speaking native language]
I speak to them
so that they may know
what this ground holds
of the spirits of the past.
[Speaking native language]
When a young brave was ready
to become a warrior,
it was here
that he was called
by the wise men
and the elders.
[Speaking native language]
If he had faith
in the great one,
the knife
would not cut him.
[Speaking native language]
If he had courage,
true courage,
the rock
would not break him.
[Speaking native language]
If the brave
was pure of heart,
the arrow
could not catch him.
[Speaking native language]
And then he would become
a warrior,
as someday you will.
[Speaking native language]
And that was called
the ceremony of the blade,
the stone, and the arrow.
Like in our culture...
paper, rock, scissors.
[All groan]
[Bird calling in distance]
Man, that sure was
some rap the old chief
was putting on us.
Yeah, I wonder
if that stuff is true.
Well, you wouldn't catch me
standing around
letting some lunatic
throw knives at me.
[Fire igniting]
Oh, no!
That's our tepee!
Who did this?
Who do you think?
Man, let's get 'em!
Yeah, come on!
Looks like you fellas
forgot something here.
[Sniffs] We wouldn't
want you to get thirsty,
now, would we, fellas?
So we come to repay
the favor.
[Indistinct shouting,
Mr. Tipton: Your boys
are out of control.
I mean, this last fight,
it was the last straw.
I've got other campers
I've got to think about here.
I think it's best
for all concerned
if we just send them all
back to the institution,
where they can get
the supervision they need.
Don't do it, sir.
Ernest, it's not really
your fault. It's my fault.
I thought you could do it.
I was wrong.
But it's not fair
to send them back.
It's not their fault.
Maybe I was a bad counselor.
They shouldn't have to
suffer for that.
Look, if you give
the second-chance boys
another chance
and me another chance,
that'll be three chances,
and added to the two chances
we had before, that makes...
five or six chances...
carry the one...
Okay, Ernest,
one more chance.
I'll let the boys stay,
but they better
get with the program...
you know what I mean?
Oh, I know what you mean.
Yes, sir. Thank you.
[Speaking Japanese]
Thank you.
They were all set
to send you boys
back to the institute,
when you-know-who stepped in
and saved the day.
See? I told you
he wasn't such a dork.
But they burned it,
One monkey
don't stop no show.
We can still win
this thing.
Aw, come on, Ernest,
what's the point?
The point is
to do your best always,
to always give it
your best shot,
[Deep voice]
to boldly go where no man
has gone before.
[Normal voice]
It's the path of the brave.
Well, I don't know
about you guys,
but I'm not gonna let 'em
put me down.
I'm gonna build
this thing over.
Hey, yeah, guys,
he's right.
Come on, let's go.
it's a lead-pipe city.
[Vehicle approaches]
[Brakes squeak, engine stops]
[Car door closes]
Mr. Wind Cloud...
Ah, this looks like
a museum.
Ha ha ha! I can feel
the history here.
Mr. Wind Cloud,
I am Sherman Krader,
Krader Mining Corporation.
My attorney, Mr. Blatz, has
conveyed to you my very...
[Birds chirping]
My attorney, Mr. Blatz,
has conveyed to you
my very generous offer
to obtain a lease on
a portion of land that you,
as one of the last members
of your tribe, control.
I'll... and I'm here
to double that offer.
I know it's not
very fair to me,
but, um, I realize
there's a lot
of sentimental
attachment here,
and I'm prepared
to offer you
a 10% royalty
on all the petrocite
that we can mine out of
the Kikakee area... 10%!
Mr. Wind Cloud...
Mr. Wind Cloud,
I don't think you understand.
Now, you'd be a fool
not to sign this paper.
Mr. Wind Cloud,
you have to sign this paper!
It's your patriotic duty!
[Pen clicks]
Do you understand
a word I've been saying?
Uh, chief...
your canoe
is in the river.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know
you had company.
native language]
Excuse me.
I'm, uh, Bob Wilson...
maybe you could help me...
Department of, uh, Soils
and Water Conservation.
Um, I'm having a little
problem communicating
with, uh,
Mr. Wind Cloud here.
You see,
there's a... there's,
um, a strip-mining company
on the upper part
of the river.
I'm getting
all the landowners here
to sign this petition
to stop their activities
before they completely
ruin the river.
Now, maybe you can
[Laughs] "talk" to him.
Ha ha ha.
And get him
to sign this.
Communicating with your
Native-American cultures
is a specialty of mine.
I'm bilingual.
It's a difficult skill,
but one which I acquired
after years of study.
Mister, you have come
to the right man.
No problemo.
Comprendo, dj vu?
Yes, I do. Yeah.
Thank you.
native language]
This is a sad day
for Kamp Kikakee.
I've got here a signed order
that says
the camp's got to close.
Oh, man.
I'm sorry, fellas.
We're gonna have to pack
and leave.
What's happened?
This doesn't make
any sense.
The chief has signed away
control of the land
to Krader Mining Company.
[Sighs] Krader takes over
the day after tomorrow.
They're gonna move in
their heavy equipment,
and they are going to destroy
everything around here
looking for some mineral.
I'm sorry, guys.
I'm sorry this happened.
Somebody had to...
[Sighs] the chief
into signing.
Uh. [Sighs]
Okay, guys, let's get packed up.
We got to get out of here.
There are only
two people here
who can communicate
with grandfather.
l-lt's all a great big
I'll fix it up,
know what I mean?
I'll fix it.
You'll see.
[Brakes squeak]
Man, this is such
a major bummer.
What are we gonna do?
Go back
to the institution.
What else?
I was gettin'
to like it here.
Hey, I ain't goin' back
to no institution.
- Me neither.
- No way.
Nobody's gonna have to
go anywhere.
I knew you'd think
of something, Ernest.
You've got a plan?
I'm gonna settle this lease
thing once and for all.
settle it, Ernest.
this I want to see.
Course, I might have to
jack a few jaws,
pass out a couple
of knuckle sandwiches.
All right!
Now you're talking!
- Come on, fellas.
Let's watch the man work.
- Yeah.
[Bed squeaks]
See these hands, huh?
Huh? Huh? You see 'em?
If I put these hands
in my pockets,
I will be arrested for carrying
concealed deadly weapons,
know what I mean?
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Go! Whoo!
[Jackhammer pounds]
[Brakes squeak]
I want to talk to the punk
who is responsible for
the actions of this company.
Ah heh. Ohhh.
Ah heh heh heh heh.
Ah heh heh heh heh
heh heh heh.
Come on, Ernest.
the evil vigilance!
Come on, Ernest!
You got him! You got him!
He's not that big.
Jack his jaw, Ernest.
Turn out his lights!
Oh, I don't know.
I-I think his jaw
looks pretty well jacked.
Real nice.
Ah heh heh heh heh.
Nice hat, too.
Heh heh heh heh.
Come on, Ernest!
Get up!
- Come on! Come on!
- Let's go, man!
[Men cheering]
If he comes over here
and bothers us again,
I'm gonna give him one
of these over here
and one of those
over there.
- Ha ha ha ha!
- [Whack, thud]
What are you doing?!
Ha ha ha ha!
No! Let me go!
- Moose, get back here!
- Aw, man!
All right, come on,
Ernest! Get up!
You okay, son?
You can do it!
Come on!
[Indistinct talking]
Ha ha!
Get up, man!
Get up!
Get off the ground, man.
Ha ha ha ha!
[Men cheering]
He's all over with.
Ha ha ha ha!
Give me a hand
over here, bud.
Let's get this laid out.
I guess there ain't much
to Ernest.
Yeah, he ain't nothin'.
Jack his jaw, Ernest.
That's a bunch of bull.
[Exhales deeply]
[Breathing heavily]
I believe in you, Ernest.
But there's just some things
you can't do nothin' about.
[Sighs deeply]
I had the first two
or three of them
right where I wanted 'em.
And then the others
jumped me.
That was a brave thing
you did, Ernest.
Almost makes up for the dumb
thing you did with granddad.
I wish
I could have been there.
It wasn't a place
for women.
The damage done there tonight
was not a pretty sight.
"The Hammer" Worrell,
warrior of the sacred land
of our fathers...
or your fathers.
I could have...
I had them...
This place...
and these kids...
It's everything to me.
I was a counselor.
I had everything.
And now it's all gone.
[Thunder rumbles]
[Rain falling]
Gee, I'm glad it's raining
There's always somethin'
to be thankful for
I'm awfully glad
it's raining
'Cause no one sees your
teardrops when it pours
And no one knows
the thunder
Is your heartbreak
in disguise
They think
the rainy night's
What put that sad look
in your eyes
Sure, I'm glad it's raining
The gentle rhythm
soothes the pain inside
I'm glad the stars
aren't shinin'
A wounded warrior needs
a place to hide
I thought I had found someone
I could count on
Till the end
What they wanted was a hero
All I needed was a friend
Gee, I'm glad it's raining
I hope the mornin' sun
won't come up soon
As long as it keeps raining
No one knows my heart broke
right in two
I thought I had found someone
I could count on
Till the end
What they wanted was a hero
All I needed was a friend
Sure, I'm glad it's raining
I'm awfully glad
it's raining
[Birds chirping]
What are you boys
doing here?
You should have gone
with the others.
We ain't going back.
[Knife clicks]
You can't stay here.
They're going to wipe out
this whole area soon.
Where's Ernest?
Probably packing
his stuff.
He's dumber than a bucket full
of hair, ain't he?
You know what dumb is?
Dumb is not knowing
who your friends are.
Ernest is the only person
in the world
who cared about you.
He tried to help you.
He stood up for you
when nobody else in the world
even wanted to know you.
Ernest is losing everything
he cares about...
his home, his job,
And all you can think about
is what you want.
You're not gonna leave,
are you, Ernest?
Yeah. [Sighs]
No more Counselor Ernest.
No more shaping and molding
young minds
into a focused worldview.
No more Kamp Kikakee.
Ernest, uh,
we've been thinking.
We ain't got much of a chance,
but we got a plan.
If we stop those miners,
then there will be
a Kamp Kikakee.
Boys, we can't stop
those miners.
Look what they did to me,
and that was just one
of 'em.
Come on, Ernest.
That don't sound like
no path of the brave to me.
I don't wanna go back
to no institution.
I wanna stay right
here with you.
Yeah, me too.
We all do, Ernest.
Yeah, come on, Ernest.
Come on.
We can get 'em.
Hey, it's the path
of the brave.
Come on.
We can get 'em.
Let's go for it.
We can do it, Ernest.
You know what I think?
I think we might just
could beat 'em.
- All right!
- All right!
- All right!
And run 'em off this land.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
I think we might just get
a little bit rowdy.
[Boys cheering]
And it might be an ugly
thing to watch.
- Whoa!
- Yeah!
We got a plan?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Me for you!
- And you for me!
- And you for me!
Me and you
We're gonna make it
Others may fail,
we say never
'Cause we've got the will
and the power to survive
And now we're united
with one voice
We're free on the path
like a wild horse
Those who would stand
in our way will step aside
When I have you here
beside me
I know the dream we share
will guide me
Like an arrow
straight to the mark
Brave hearts
Fighting for the rights
of all the dreamers
Brave hearts
You and me...
we are the true believers
Brave hearts
Yeah! Let's go!
- All right! All right!
Yeah, we're gonna
get those guys!
- Yeah!
- We're gonna kill 'em.
Oh, yeah.
We are out of hydraulics.
Hey, look,
it's Ken and Barbie.
What are you jerks
doin' here?
I thought you ran away
with the others.
I think they missed us.
We wouldn't want you guys
to have to get in a fight
without us.
[Birds chirping]
Come on.
[Indistinct conversations]
Eddie, that's...
that's enough.
Come on, Eddie.
[Engine stops]
[Indistinct, distant
[Birds chirping]
Jake, ammo.
Fix this linguini...
With broken clam shells.
[Sniffs] Good.
[Singing in native language]
you can't do this!
[Singing continues]
These are children!
Ernest, are you crazy?
Those are grown men out there.
You don't stand a chance.
They ain't gonna get
this camp.
We can't win this fight
without legal help.
They ain't gonna get
this camp.
[Engine turns over]
Bobby Wayne, Crutchfield,
you go this way
with the multibow.
Vargas, Danny,
you take the split.
Moose, you come with me
to the lantern launcher.
[Indistinct conversations]
[Tarzan yells]
[Needle scratches]
[Horn honks]
[Man burps]
[Elephant trumpets]
[Cat meows]
- [Bird cuckoos]
- What's goin' on here?
[War cry]
[Wind whistling, snaps]
- Whoa!
- Fire!
[Indistinct yelling]
Wuh! Oh!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ah ha ha ha!
Ha ha! Ha ha!
- [Ding]
- Ow!
- [Ding]
- Ohh!
- [Ding]
- Ohh!
- [Ding]
- Ohh!
All right.
Okay, men, battle stations.
Ozgood, man the controls.
Crutchfield, crow's -nest.
Bobby Wayne, look,
Danny, Vargas,
you operate the crane.
[Men yelling indistinctly]
300 yards, 20 degrees
to the right!
Where we got it!
It's ready!
228 by 6.6.
[Winds dial]
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Bring me the graham cracker
Graham cracker.
[High-pitched voice]
No, no, not me.
[Normal voice]
Oh, yeah, you.
[High-pitched voice]
Me too?
[Normal voice] Oh, yeah.
One more time.
Ready. Ready.
- Fire!
- [Dinging]
Ha ha ha!
You guys got your
little chutes packed.
Death from above.
That's good.
216 by 121.
I'm scared, sarge.
We're all scared, son.
Okay. Ready?
[Winds dial]
["Flight Of The Valkyries"
by Wagner plays]
["Happy Together"
by The Turtles plays]
[Indistinct yelling]
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
[Gasps] Ah! No!
Let's get outta here!
Wait! Ahhhh!
[Men yelling indistinctly]
It's ablaze!
[Winds dial]
[Both laughing]
Mr. Krader!
M-Mr. Krader, come in!
What the hell's going on
down there?
We're under attack!
Turtle paratroopers
have taken out the whole crew.
Turtle what?!
Mr. Krader, the whole camp's
a shambles!
Those kids
and that counselor
have set fire to every piece
of equipment we had!
It's all burning!
Okay. That did it.
We'll start filing the papers
in the morning.
What are you doing?
I'm putting an end
to all this.
you can't be serious.
Shut up, Blatz.
Sherman, you've carried this
way too far.
Now, let's cut our losses
and seek legal satisfaction.
This isn't business
any longer.
This is personal!
Sherman, you are crazy.
[Engine turns over]
[Men yelling indistinctly]
Yes, sir!
Okay. Come on, fellas.
Let's get outta here.
Yeah! Let's get out!
Let's get those guys!
Let's go!
[Boys cheering]
- Ahhhhhhh!
- [Beeping]
Dozer, 2:00, Jake!
We're gonna be
Jake and Eddie Tartare.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
My thighs are on fire!
Jake, they're
gonna crush us!
Hey, Eddie,
turn it around.
Let's give him
another balling.
Turn it around by myself?
Jake, I need help.
There's no time for help!
We can't let it go,
Come on, Eddie.
Come on!
Oh, Jake.
[Boys cheering]
["Happy Together"
by The Turtles plays]
Hey! Hey!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
[Engine rumbling]
[Engine stops]
Hey, fellas, follow me.
I-I got an idea.
Come on.
Go! Go!
So what do we do?
Get anything
that'll burn.
Let's go!
[Glass breaking,
metal rattling]
Man, this ain't enough.
We still don't have
a chance!
Stand back!
I got it!
I got it!
[Deep voice]
The most powerful substance
known to man...
eggs erroneous,
experimental series 106.
Light it, Pennington.
What are you doin', man?
What are you doin', Ernest?
After the break,
know what I mean?
Let him go, man!
It's our only chance!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
[All cheering]
Heh heh heh heh.
That's it.
It's over.
Dead meat. Deep six.
The groundhogs are bringing
their mail.
[Brakes squeak]
He's got a gun!
Hurry up, you guys.
Come on.
Look out, Ernest!
Get outta the way!
Miss St. Cloud: If he had faith
in the great one,
the knife would not cut him.
He missed.
I can't believe he missed.
[Drums beating, chanting]
Miss St. Cloud: If he
had courage, true courage,
the rock would not break him.
Heh heh heh heh.
Heh heh heh
heh heh heh.
[Drumming continues]
Miss St. Cloud:
If the brave was pure of heart,
the arrow could not catch him.
[Drumming and chanting
Heh heh heh
heh heh heh heh.
[Drumming and chanting
Paper, rock, scissors.
Heh heh.
It looks like this one's
out of your hands, Krader.
Heh-heh heh-heh
heh heh.
[Sirens wail]
We got it!
We got it!
The judge issued
a restraining order!
Me and you and you and me
No matter how
they toss the dice
It had to be
The only one for me is you
and you for me
So happy together...
Guess what?
Krader's attorney
admitted that they tricked
my grandfather,
so everything
is behind us now.
Yep, and my boys
don't have to go back
to the institute,
and this camp has
a year-round counselor.
I'm really proud
of you, Ernest.
You did what nobody else
could have done.
Yep, I guess I'm just
a take-charge kind of guy,
a man of vision and of scopes,
know what I mean?
Ah heh heh heh heh heh.
Ah heh. Uh! Ah-ah!
Ah! Ahhhhhhh!
Rope's a little loose.
Uh! Ahhhhhh!
What happened?
Well... at least
nobody was hurt.
Me and you
We're gonna make it
Others may fail,
we say never
'Cause we've got the will
and the power to survive
And now we're united
with one voice
We're free on the path
like a wild horse
Those who would stand
in our way will step aside
The aroma...
I-I've done it.
T-This is the quintessential
eggs erroneous.
gotta taste this.
Eddie, taste this.
It's eggs erroneous.
It's perfect.
It's what we've been
waiting for!
Not me!
Try it.
[Eddie groaning]
[Creaking, cracking]
Quando condo
When will you come
to my condo?
Quando condo
When I have you here
beside me
I know the dream we share
will guide me
Like an arrow
straight to the mark
Brave hearts
Fighting for the rights
of all the dreamers
Brave hearts
You and me...
we are the true believers
Brave hearts
You know time cuts like
a knife through emotion
Hearts made of stone
will break in two
Miracles happen to those
who will believe
The past is only a shadow
behind us
The future ahead,
a sacred trust
This is the moment that love
must take the lead
When I have you here
beside me
I know the dream we share
will guide me
Like an arrow straight
to the mark
Brave hearts
Fighting for the rights
of all the dreamers
Brave hearts
You and me...
we are the true believers
Brave hearts