Escape from Pleasure Planet (2016) Movie Script
1
Greetings, Princess Dyanna.
I hope you had a safe journey.
I am Cassia,
the liaison for your visit.
The Princess is not
used to travelling
in such stormy conditions.
My apologies.
This is our off season.
But the storms
will not interfere
in your vacation here
at Pleasure Station.
Of that I can assure you both.
Tara's my bodyguard,
not my companion.
I see.
Well, we have many activities
to keep your
"body guard" occupied,
while you may entertain
yourself privately.
That won't be necessary.
I would just like to make sure
you know who the client is.
Of course, Princess.
Welcome to Pleasure Station,
where your every fantasy
becomes real.
Doesn't look very inviting.
This is merely our greeting bay.
I assure you
the rest of the station
will be much more
to your liking.
The Princess has
very specific needs.
We called ahead.
I understand the Princesses
desires completely.
All preparations have been
made as requested.
And if I can personally
be of any assistance,
please don't hesitate
to call upon me.
That won't be necessary.
I will attend to
any of the Princesses needs.
Tara, I can speak for myself.
Of course, Princess.
It's your security
I'm most concerned for.
I understand, but please know,
the Pleasure Station has one of
the largest security forces
in the sector.
You have
absolutely nothing to fear.
Thank you, Cassia.
Tara is paid to worry about me.
Now, I'd like to
get on with my vacation.
Time here is short.
As you wish, Princess.
Please follow me.
Oh, and I hope you
didn't bring a swim suit.
There's something
about her that I don't like.
How do we know
we can trust her?
Tara, you're always
so suspicious.
She's just an employee.
Every time an attractive woman
comes around,
out come your claws.
It's not that, your highness.
It's just...
There's something
about her.
I feel like
I've seen her before.
I'd like to see more of her.
But for now,
put your suspicions aside
and let me enjoy myself.
Of course, Princess.
I hear the pleasure droids
of Exter are
like none other.
Let's find out.
Master.
Is everything ready as planned?
Yes, Aria, standing by.
And the Princess is here?
She is.
Our intelligence was correct.
And is she alone?
No, master,
she has one body guard with her.
Only one?
How foolish.
Where is she now?
She is in the Venusian grotto,
being "entertained"
by a pleasure droid.
Hmm, excellent.
My fleet is standing by
and prepared to attack.
Soon we will control this station
and create a new outpost
for my Recusa star system.
And the Princess?
Once she becomes our prisoner
no one will dare
retaliate against us.
She is the jewel
in the crown of hostages.
With her in our pocket,
all resistance will cease.
Without her...
Our planet will be destroyed
by the Federation.
That won't happen.
You'll see to that,
won't you?
Your desire is my command.
Start the attack!
Commence attack
on Pleasure Station.
Crush all opposition.
Now, bring me the Princess.
Soon this rotten little asteroid
will be all mine!
Your masseuse awaits you,
Princess.
Good.
I hope she has strong hands.
I could use one after that.
What's that?
Smoke detector?
We're under siege,
your Highness.
Why would anyone attack
the Pleasure Station?
I think it's a plot
to kidnap you.
Kidnap me?
Aria of Electros has always
been a rebel traitor.
I'm sure she's behind this.
Aria? Just my luck.
Caught in an alien whore house
with my pants down.
We've got to get out of here.
Come on, let's try
the loading dock.
Maybe we can hijack
an escape shuttle.
Okay.
These space pimps are no match
for my skilled pilots.
This won't last long.
Hurry, we don't have much time!
But do you think this thing
will actually fly?
There's only one way
to find out.
But do you really
know how to fly this thing?
Does it really matter
at this point?
All right, here we go.
Fingers crossed.
We got incoming.
Well, at least if it's
my time to perish,
I died after being licked senseless
by an android hooker.
Don't talk like that.
We're not gonna die...
I hope.
There's one coming right at us.
Oh, no... ah.
We've got one left behind us.
I don't think I can shake him.
Hey, pal, tailgating is illegal
in this quadrant.
Good job, Princess.
But we're headed straight
towards that asteroid belt.
It's our only chance.
Do you think we can out
maneuver them without killing us?
Are you crazy?
I don't know how to fly this thing.
Then let's just close our eyes.
We've slowed down.
Does that mean we've entered
a friendly solar system
where we'll we welcomed
and meet new friends
who will protect us
from Aria's evil plans to kidnap me?
Um, no.
It means
the engine's on fire.
Damn it! Now what?
We only have one choice.
We have to
jettison ourselves
off of this ship
and take our chances.
Chances, but where?
There's a planet,
straight ahead.
Where is she?
I don't know.
They must have found
a way to escape.
How is that possible?
We have the place surrounded.
Perhaps they stole
one of the escape shuttles.
Eluding my trained fighters?
I don't believe it.
I'm afraid it's true, Aria.
We've had reports of
one small ship slipping through.
It must be them.
Do you know what this means?
That I won't be vacationing
in Qualitron next week.
When they find out we don't have
the Princess held hostage,
our asses won't
be worth a plug nickel.
What do we do?
You've got to find her
and bring her to me.
In the meantime, I'll pretend
as if we really do have her.
That should stall off
a counter attack for now.
But you need to hurry.
I can't get busted again.
I'm on my third strike.
I'll do my best, master.
All royal family members have
an implanted tracking chip in them.
Use that and
it'll lead you right to her.
Isn't this amazing?
Just look at it.
Let me guess.
45 hundred new numbers
you've never seen before.
Better than that, 48 hundred.
Every day I send dozens of
messages out into space.
Every day, I wait for
someone to answer back.
Collect call from Uranus
on line two.
You're killing me, Jake.
I know to you
this is all trivial.
But to me this is important.
I know something is gonna happen,
something big.
I haven't seen anything big
from you in days.
Suzi, I'll make time
for you this weekend.
But right now,
I've gotta wait to see if someone in
the outer reaches of space
wants to instant message me.
Trust me, babe,
E.T. is not phoning home.
If you're bored, why don't you
just go home, call it a day?
It's not that I'm bored, Jake.
The only time I get to see you
is when I hang out here.
That's not true.
We do live together.
No we don't.
I live in a big house
with a big comfy bed.
And you live... here,
in UFO central.
The search for extraterrestrial life
is a thankless one,
but it's my job.
To look for UFO's
where there are none?
I wish you could see
how important this is.
If I were to actually
make contact
with an honest to god UFO,
I'd be famous.
I could write my own ticket to
the top of the scientific slog heap.
I know, I know,
it's just you spend
so much time studying
the heavenly bodies.
What about me?
What about this body?
You know I can't concentrate
when you do that.
Well...
how about now?
Is this better?
Suzi...
Come on, baby.
I want your rocket,
and I want it to
blast off right now.
You know, sometimes,
you can be very persuasive.
I want you to produce
a real UFO,
an unbelievable fucking orgasm.
I think I see one
coming right now.
What's that?
It's probably the microwave,
come on.
That's the atmospheric
disturbance meter.
Something's causing a ripple
in the upper stratosphere.
You don't think...
Uh, it could be.
It looks like
something's trying to
break into our orbit.
A UFO? Please!
Maybe, I have
the server co-ordinates.
You do that.
I'm stepping outside.
Suzi, you smoke after sex?
I don't know.
I never looked.
We must transport
to the surface.
But we must do it quickly.
Hold me tight.
Not now, Tara.
Can't we do that later.
No, hold me tight, so we can
transport together, quickly!
Oh, right.
Okay, I'm ready.
Holy shit!
Well, that could
have been worse.
If only I knew where we were.
What a strange place this is.
Look!
Well, that's just great.
There goes our wheels.
Suggestions?
We need to find food and shelter,
and a place to pee.
Do you have a device that
will help us do such a thing?
Yes, your highness.
Heads.
This way.
Jake, I saw it, I saw it!
Saw what?
The UFO, or whatever it is.
Where?
It was falling from the sky,
and it was on fire,
and it blew up
when it hit the hills.
Blew up?
Yeah, ka-pow!
Nothing, nothing but smoke.
I'm pretty sure
all you saw was a meteorite.
It happens all the time.
But in broad daylight?
Well, that's unlikely,
but it's probably all is was.
Too bad.
I was really hoping for more.
Jake, this was no shooting star.
You're right, let's go home.
I can't any more of this today.
Okay, but don't give up, babe.
The truth is out there.
Thank you.
You can run through
a million star systems,
but you can't hid from me,
little Princess.
Cassia to Master Aria, come in.
I've located the Princess
on the third planet
in the star of Braxis.
Come in. Aria?
Hello?
What is she doing?
Look, Princess.
Praise Targas!
Perhaps we can
take shelter there.
It's a primitive construction.
Not much curb appeal,
but we're in no position
to be choosy.
It will allow us
to regroup our thoughts
and plan our next move.
But what if
we encounter an alien race?
Let me do the talking.
Got it.
Time to put this baby
on auto pilot
and do a little hooter hunting.
Auto pilot activated.
What place is this?
It looks like
a food storage facility.
A kitchen?
Yes, are you hungry?
I could eat a mahar.
Hmm... what is this?
It looks like my cousin.
Ah, look Princess.
Good work, Tara. Let's eat.
Agent Daniels, come on in.
You asked to see me, sir?
Yeah, take a seat there.
What can you tell me about
the UFO tracking station
at Santa Mira Springs?
Well, to be honest, not much.
It's been pretty hush-hush.
Sparsely maintained.
No tangible results from
the center have been reported,
at least,
none that I'm aware of.
Until now.
Until now?
Intell has it that something big
came out of the sky there,
and crashed, today.
The problem is, I haven't heard
anything from the center.
That's strange.
Do you have any idea
what it was?
Not at all.
But there's also reports
that something strange
entered our orbit within
a half hour of the crash.
Something totally unexplained.
And you'd like me
to go check it out.
Right, I've been trying to
get a hold of Jake Johnson.
He's the scientist who runs
the center up there,
but no luck so far.
Now, I don't know.
Maybe he didn't come in today.
Maybe he took the afternoon off
and went home.
I just don't know.
Got it.
I'll go visit the center.
Negative, agent.
I want you to go
straight out to his house.
He's very isolated.
There's no cell phone.
There's no computer, nothing.
But I think he's our best hope.
If he's out there, sir,
I'll find him.
And, Daniels,
if you do find him,
and he knows something,
I'm depending on you
to keep it zipped.
You can count on me, sir.
Good.
What?
Why's the door open?
I don't know.
Do you smell that?
Yeah, did you leave
the oven on again?
Of course not.
What the hell is going on here?
Greetings, Earthlings. How?
How?
Earthlings? I think maybe
you better start explaining.
Well, we got lost...
Lost, just completely lost.
And we came upon
your construction.
Beautiful place.
Really nice.
And no one was here.
Not a soul.
So we thought,
maybe you wouldn't mind?
Is it okay?
We can leave.
It's not a problem.
I'm just so confused.
Your clothes?
Everything is just so strange.
Are you guys from Centerville?
I got dressed in a hurry.
I was being kidnapped.
Kidnapped?
Yes, you are addressing
Her Royal Highness,
Princess Dyanna of Alton Four.
And I am her
body guard, Tara.
You're kidding me, right?
I don't kid.
Suzi, do you think it could be?
Oh, that thing that
crashed in the hills.
No, this is fantastic.
This is what
I've always dreamed about.
I can't believe it.
I mean,
they do look pretty fantastic.
All right.
Oh, my God.
Okay, ladies,
please finish your meal
and we can have
a little chat... please.
Suzi, do you know
what this means?
That two big-tittied twits
cleaned out our kitchen
and now we have to go
grocery shopping.
No, I mean, what if they
really did come
on a space ship
here from another galaxy?
You really think either one of
those two has the intelligence
to find their way out of
a K-Mart parking lot?
Stranger things have happened.
Name one.
All right, let me start again.
What if they're
telling the truth?
Maybe they did escape
from outer space.
They look like they escaped
from a Frederick's Catalogue.
Either way, it's not bad.
There's only one way
I can prove it.
I need to test their clothes.
I'll bet they're made of fabric
that's not of this Earth.
How are we supposed
to get their clothes?
You're a girl.
Think of something.
What...?
This is our room.
You can change in here.
So, please explain to me again
why you guys want my clothes.
Well, if you really are
from another solar system,
the fabric of the clothes
will prove it's alien composition.
I have to study it,
run some tests.
All right, if it proves
that we're telling the truth.
You could borrow some of
my stuff while he runs tests.
I'll let you ladies
sort things out.
Take your time.
Do you need some help?
Yeah.
Your hands are so soft.
You're really beautiful.
You think so?
Not many people
see me like this.
I'm the royal body guard
and I'm not allowed to
indulge in such things.
Nobody's ever touched you
like this before?
No, but I've seen it
many times.
Maybe we should
do a little experiment
of our own.
Okay.
MIB headquarters,
this is Agent Daniels.
Paging for General Randall.
Come in. I'm at the location.
MIB headquarters, come in.
Why am I not surprised?
Please,
make yourself comfortable.
Thank you.
Whoa!
That's not what I meant.
Hmm...
You're a very mysterious creature.
Your intentions confuse me.
I've never seen a species
quite like you before.
You mean a man?
You've never seen a man before?
No, they do not have them
where I come from.
But I think it may be
very important now.
Why is that?
Because our ship
has been destroyed.
We have no way
of returning home.
Good point.
We must now learn
to fit into your world,
to become a part of it,
to do as you do,
to feel as you feel,
to love as you love.
I'm sure you'll be able
to fit in quickly.
You've just got to learn how
to live in a world full of men.
Of course,
and you will teach me, yes?
Yes.
I mean, no!
You're a Princess, aren't you?
I'm just your
every day UFO hunter.
Besides,
Suzi's right down the hall.
She majored
in castration in college.
Don't worry about Suzi.
Tara can handle her.
But now I would like to know
what men do for their mates
here on Earth.
Well, for the sake
of scientific research.
MIB headquarters, come in.
This is Agent Daniels.
Paging for General Randall.
MIB headquarters, come in.
Cease communications, Earthling.
Drop it.
Hold on a second, beautiful.
Okay, I'm sure
we can talk about this.
Who are you communicating with?
My boss.
I was just checking in.
You know,
they get worried about me
down at headquarters
if they don't hear from me.
Sounds like you've got
a lot to be worried about.
Wait a minute.
One more step,
and I'll vaporize you,
Phew, well, we won't
want that now, would we?
You wouldn't.
Look, it's pretty obvious you're
one of those alien things, okay?
But you need me.
I can help.
I don't know what kind
of creature you are,
but I'm certain that there's
nothing you could do for me.
Don't be so sure.
I saw the Princess
engaging in some
physical contact with
the other of your kind.
What was it?
Oh, that.
Yeah, let's just say
he was integrating her
into one of
Earth's oldest customs.
It looked very...
interesting.
I would like you to show me
this contact.
You want me to show you?
Okay.
But, why don't we start by you
not pointing that thing at me?
Okay, but no funny business.
Hey, no funny business.
Cassia, this is Aria.
Come in.
Cassia,
this is Aria.
Answer me!
I hate playing phone tag!
No, I want you to get me
the stainless steel ones.
You know, the ones with
the fur on the inside.
Yeah.
Look, I'm gonna have to
call you back, okay?
General Randall?
Daniels, where the hell
have you been?!
I thought you weren't
coming back.
It's a long, long story, sir.
But I have big news.
You were right.
Something did crash
in those hills.
I knew it!
It was an alien space craft.
Now, unfortunately,
the ship's totaled.
But the occupants were
able to bail out in time.
Where are they?
They're at Jake's house,
just like you suspected.
Two of them, women.
One's a Princess,
and the other's her body guard.
Fantastic!
Are they friendly?
Oh, yes, they're very friendly.
But without their spacecraft,
they're stranded here on Earth.
That's an incredible story.
Are you sure every word
of this is true, Daniels?
I'm positive.
In fact, I brought you proof.
This is Cassia.
Is she one of them?
Oh, she's one of them.
Incredible.
I thought you said
there were two.
Two on the ship that crashed.
Cassia was actually
sent here on a mission
to capture the Princess.
Incredible!
But, she's changed her mind.
Haven't you, dear?
Yes, darling.
I never
want to go back.
What changed her mind?
It's, it's actually all
in the report, sir.
Let's just say we found
a common ground.
And ground it
and ground it.
She's kind of my girlfriend now.
Yeah, uh...
I can see that.
We better wrap this all up.
We better bet them to D.C.
The President's gonna want to
know about this right away.
Yes, sir.
Come on, babe.
On the deck?
Jake, I've been looking
everywhere for you.
Suzi.
Whoa!
You look different.
Do you like it?
It's very...
ordinary.
Don't worry. You look great.
You're gonna fit right in.
Here you go.
I think you'll
find the make up
of the material
to be very...
flexible.
Excellent.
Did you find anything out
new about the Princess?
A few things.
Me too.
So, ladies, I'm gonna have to
tell someone about
your situation.
They might be able to help you.
That's very kind of you.
I'm pretty certain
that we're being tracked
by an evil hunter
named Cassia.
She betrayed me
and tried to kill us.
Then let's go now.
No one is going anywhere.
- Damn it!
- Who are you?
Stop where you are!
Sorry, folks,
MIB is taking over from here.
What's going on?
We've got orders to bring
these girls into Washington.
Don't worry.
Nobody's going to hurt you.
On whose orders?
General Randall's orders.
Oh, why didn't you say so?
Like to take you two in
for some quick questions.
Is there somewhere
we can go in private?
Um, down the hall,
first door on the left.
Don't worry, girls.
He won't hurt you.
He's just a man...
in black.
I know what to do with a man.
So do I.
Um, maybe I should just go
keep an eye on them.
What's taking everyone so long?
I don't know,
but I expect some answers.
I'll bet you do.
And I'll give to you.
But first,
you ever consider
having a close encounter?
Hey, pal, tailgating is illegal
in this quadrant.
I've never seen a species
quite like you before.
I know what to do with a man.
Let me do the talking.
Greetings, Earthlings. How?
Come on, let's try
the loading dock.
Maybe we can hijack
an escape shuttle.
Time to put this baby
on auto-pilot
and do a little hooter hunting.
I am Cassia,
the liaison for your visit.
Cassia, this is Aria.
Come in.
Eluding my trained fighters?
I don't believe it.
Is everything ready as planned?
I haven't seen anything big
from you in days.
That two big-tittied twits
cleaned out our kitchen
and now we have to go
grocery shopping.
Yeah, ka-pow!
Nothing, nothing but smoke.
To me this is important.
I know something is gonna happen,
something big.
Oh, why didn't you say so?
You mean a man.
You've never seen a man before?
MIB headquarters,
this is Agent Daniels.
Paging for General Randall.
Yes, they're very friendly.
But you need me.
I can help.
What can you tell me about
the UFO tracking station
at Santa Mira Springs?
On the deck?
Greetings, Princess Dyanna.
I hope you had a safe journey.
I am Cassia,
the liaison for your visit.
The Princess is not
used to travelling
in such stormy conditions.
My apologies.
This is our off season.
But the storms
will not interfere
in your vacation here
at Pleasure Station.
Of that I can assure you both.
Tara's my bodyguard,
not my companion.
I see.
Well, we have many activities
to keep your
"body guard" occupied,
while you may entertain
yourself privately.
That won't be necessary.
I would just like to make sure
you know who the client is.
Of course, Princess.
Welcome to Pleasure Station,
where your every fantasy
becomes real.
Doesn't look very inviting.
This is merely our greeting bay.
I assure you
the rest of the station
will be much more
to your liking.
The Princess has
very specific needs.
We called ahead.
I understand the Princesses
desires completely.
All preparations have been
made as requested.
And if I can personally
be of any assistance,
please don't hesitate
to call upon me.
That won't be necessary.
I will attend to
any of the Princesses needs.
Tara, I can speak for myself.
Of course, Princess.
It's your security
I'm most concerned for.
I understand, but please know,
the Pleasure Station has one of
the largest security forces
in the sector.
You have
absolutely nothing to fear.
Thank you, Cassia.
Tara is paid to worry about me.
Now, I'd like to
get on with my vacation.
Time here is short.
As you wish, Princess.
Please follow me.
Oh, and I hope you
didn't bring a swim suit.
There's something
about her that I don't like.
How do we know
we can trust her?
Tara, you're always
so suspicious.
She's just an employee.
Every time an attractive woman
comes around,
out come your claws.
It's not that, your highness.
It's just...
There's something
about her.
I feel like
I've seen her before.
I'd like to see more of her.
But for now,
put your suspicions aside
and let me enjoy myself.
Of course, Princess.
I hear the pleasure droids
of Exter are
like none other.
Let's find out.
Master.
Is everything ready as planned?
Yes, Aria, standing by.
And the Princess is here?
She is.
Our intelligence was correct.
And is she alone?
No, master,
she has one body guard with her.
Only one?
How foolish.
Where is she now?
She is in the Venusian grotto,
being "entertained"
by a pleasure droid.
Hmm, excellent.
My fleet is standing by
and prepared to attack.
Soon we will control this station
and create a new outpost
for my Recusa star system.
And the Princess?
Once she becomes our prisoner
no one will dare
retaliate against us.
She is the jewel
in the crown of hostages.
With her in our pocket,
all resistance will cease.
Without her...
Our planet will be destroyed
by the Federation.
That won't happen.
You'll see to that,
won't you?
Your desire is my command.
Start the attack!
Commence attack
on Pleasure Station.
Crush all opposition.
Now, bring me the Princess.
Soon this rotten little asteroid
will be all mine!
Your masseuse awaits you,
Princess.
Good.
I hope she has strong hands.
I could use one after that.
What's that?
Smoke detector?
We're under siege,
your Highness.
Why would anyone attack
the Pleasure Station?
I think it's a plot
to kidnap you.
Kidnap me?
Aria of Electros has always
been a rebel traitor.
I'm sure she's behind this.
Aria? Just my luck.
Caught in an alien whore house
with my pants down.
We've got to get out of here.
Come on, let's try
the loading dock.
Maybe we can hijack
an escape shuttle.
Okay.
These space pimps are no match
for my skilled pilots.
This won't last long.
Hurry, we don't have much time!
But do you think this thing
will actually fly?
There's only one way
to find out.
But do you really
know how to fly this thing?
Does it really matter
at this point?
All right, here we go.
Fingers crossed.
We got incoming.
Well, at least if it's
my time to perish,
I died after being licked senseless
by an android hooker.
Don't talk like that.
We're not gonna die...
I hope.
There's one coming right at us.
Oh, no... ah.
We've got one left behind us.
I don't think I can shake him.
Hey, pal, tailgating is illegal
in this quadrant.
Good job, Princess.
But we're headed straight
towards that asteroid belt.
It's our only chance.
Do you think we can out
maneuver them without killing us?
Are you crazy?
I don't know how to fly this thing.
Then let's just close our eyes.
We've slowed down.
Does that mean we've entered
a friendly solar system
where we'll we welcomed
and meet new friends
who will protect us
from Aria's evil plans to kidnap me?
Um, no.
It means
the engine's on fire.
Damn it! Now what?
We only have one choice.
We have to
jettison ourselves
off of this ship
and take our chances.
Chances, but where?
There's a planet,
straight ahead.
Where is she?
I don't know.
They must have found
a way to escape.
How is that possible?
We have the place surrounded.
Perhaps they stole
one of the escape shuttles.
Eluding my trained fighters?
I don't believe it.
I'm afraid it's true, Aria.
We've had reports of
one small ship slipping through.
It must be them.
Do you know what this means?
That I won't be vacationing
in Qualitron next week.
When they find out we don't have
the Princess held hostage,
our asses won't
be worth a plug nickel.
What do we do?
You've got to find her
and bring her to me.
In the meantime, I'll pretend
as if we really do have her.
That should stall off
a counter attack for now.
But you need to hurry.
I can't get busted again.
I'm on my third strike.
I'll do my best, master.
All royal family members have
an implanted tracking chip in them.
Use that and
it'll lead you right to her.
Isn't this amazing?
Just look at it.
Let me guess.
45 hundred new numbers
you've never seen before.
Better than that, 48 hundred.
Every day I send dozens of
messages out into space.
Every day, I wait for
someone to answer back.
Collect call from Uranus
on line two.
You're killing me, Jake.
I know to you
this is all trivial.
But to me this is important.
I know something is gonna happen,
something big.
I haven't seen anything big
from you in days.
Suzi, I'll make time
for you this weekend.
But right now,
I've gotta wait to see if someone in
the outer reaches of space
wants to instant message me.
Trust me, babe,
E.T. is not phoning home.
If you're bored, why don't you
just go home, call it a day?
It's not that I'm bored, Jake.
The only time I get to see you
is when I hang out here.
That's not true.
We do live together.
No we don't.
I live in a big house
with a big comfy bed.
And you live... here,
in UFO central.
The search for extraterrestrial life
is a thankless one,
but it's my job.
To look for UFO's
where there are none?
I wish you could see
how important this is.
If I were to actually
make contact
with an honest to god UFO,
I'd be famous.
I could write my own ticket to
the top of the scientific slog heap.
I know, I know,
it's just you spend
so much time studying
the heavenly bodies.
What about me?
What about this body?
You know I can't concentrate
when you do that.
Well...
how about now?
Is this better?
Suzi...
Come on, baby.
I want your rocket,
and I want it to
blast off right now.
You know, sometimes,
you can be very persuasive.
I want you to produce
a real UFO,
an unbelievable fucking orgasm.
I think I see one
coming right now.
What's that?
It's probably the microwave,
come on.
That's the atmospheric
disturbance meter.
Something's causing a ripple
in the upper stratosphere.
You don't think...
Uh, it could be.
It looks like
something's trying to
break into our orbit.
A UFO? Please!
Maybe, I have
the server co-ordinates.
You do that.
I'm stepping outside.
Suzi, you smoke after sex?
I don't know.
I never looked.
We must transport
to the surface.
But we must do it quickly.
Hold me tight.
Not now, Tara.
Can't we do that later.
No, hold me tight, so we can
transport together, quickly!
Oh, right.
Okay, I'm ready.
Holy shit!
Well, that could
have been worse.
If only I knew where we were.
What a strange place this is.
Look!
Well, that's just great.
There goes our wheels.
Suggestions?
We need to find food and shelter,
and a place to pee.
Do you have a device that
will help us do such a thing?
Yes, your highness.
Heads.
This way.
Jake, I saw it, I saw it!
Saw what?
The UFO, or whatever it is.
Where?
It was falling from the sky,
and it was on fire,
and it blew up
when it hit the hills.
Blew up?
Yeah, ka-pow!
Nothing, nothing but smoke.
I'm pretty sure
all you saw was a meteorite.
It happens all the time.
But in broad daylight?
Well, that's unlikely,
but it's probably all is was.
Too bad.
I was really hoping for more.
Jake, this was no shooting star.
You're right, let's go home.
I can't any more of this today.
Okay, but don't give up, babe.
The truth is out there.
Thank you.
You can run through
a million star systems,
but you can't hid from me,
little Princess.
Cassia to Master Aria, come in.
I've located the Princess
on the third planet
in the star of Braxis.
Come in. Aria?
Hello?
What is she doing?
Look, Princess.
Praise Targas!
Perhaps we can
take shelter there.
It's a primitive construction.
Not much curb appeal,
but we're in no position
to be choosy.
It will allow us
to regroup our thoughts
and plan our next move.
But what if
we encounter an alien race?
Let me do the talking.
Got it.
Time to put this baby
on auto pilot
and do a little hooter hunting.
Auto pilot activated.
What place is this?
It looks like
a food storage facility.
A kitchen?
Yes, are you hungry?
I could eat a mahar.
Hmm... what is this?
It looks like my cousin.
Ah, look Princess.
Good work, Tara. Let's eat.
Agent Daniels, come on in.
You asked to see me, sir?
Yeah, take a seat there.
What can you tell me about
the UFO tracking station
at Santa Mira Springs?
Well, to be honest, not much.
It's been pretty hush-hush.
Sparsely maintained.
No tangible results from
the center have been reported,
at least,
none that I'm aware of.
Until now.
Until now?
Intell has it that something big
came out of the sky there,
and crashed, today.
The problem is, I haven't heard
anything from the center.
That's strange.
Do you have any idea
what it was?
Not at all.
But there's also reports
that something strange
entered our orbit within
a half hour of the crash.
Something totally unexplained.
And you'd like me
to go check it out.
Right, I've been trying to
get a hold of Jake Johnson.
He's the scientist who runs
the center up there,
but no luck so far.
Now, I don't know.
Maybe he didn't come in today.
Maybe he took the afternoon off
and went home.
I just don't know.
Got it.
I'll go visit the center.
Negative, agent.
I want you to go
straight out to his house.
He's very isolated.
There's no cell phone.
There's no computer, nothing.
But I think he's our best hope.
If he's out there, sir,
I'll find him.
And, Daniels,
if you do find him,
and he knows something,
I'm depending on you
to keep it zipped.
You can count on me, sir.
Good.
What?
Why's the door open?
I don't know.
Do you smell that?
Yeah, did you leave
the oven on again?
Of course not.
What the hell is going on here?
Greetings, Earthlings. How?
How?
Earthlings? I think maybe
you better start explaining.
Well, we got lost...
Lost, just completely lost.
And we came upon
your construction.
Beautiful place.
Really nice.
And no one was here.
Not a soul.
So we thought,
maybe you wouldn't mind?
Is it okay?
We can leave.
It's not a problem.
I'm just so confused.
Your clothes?
Everything is just so strange.
Are you guys from Centerville?
I got dressed in a hurry.
I was being kidnapped.
Kidnapped?
Yes, you are addressing
Her Royal Highness,
Princess Dyanna of Alton Four.
And I am her
body guard, Tara.
You're kidding me, right?
I don't kid.
Suzi, do you think it could be?
Oh, that thing that
crashed in the hills.
No, this is fantastic.
This is what
I've always dreamed about.
I can't believe it.
I mean,
they do look pretty fantastic.
All right.
Oh, my God.
Okay, ladies,
please finish your meal
and we can have
a little chat... please.
Suzi, do you know
what this means?
That two big-tittied twits
cleaned out our kitchen
and now we have to go
grocery shopping.
No, I mean, what if they
really did come
on a space ship
here from another galaxy?
You really think either one of
those two has the intelligence
to find their way out of
a K-Mart parking lot?
Stranger things have happened.
Name one.
All right, let me start again.
What if they're
telling the truth?
Maybe they did escape
from outer space.
They look like they escaped
from a Frederick's Catalogue.
Either way, it's not bad.
There's only one way
I can prove it.
I need to test their clothes.
I'll bet they're made of fabric
that's not of this Earth.
How are we supposed
to get their clothes?
You're a girl.
Think of something.
What...?
This is our room.
You can change in here.
So, please explain to me again
why you guys want my clothes.
Well, if you really are
from another solar system,
the fabric of the clothes
will prove it's alien composition.
I have to study it,
run some tests.
All right, if it proves
that we're telling the truth.
You could borrow some of
my stuff while he runs tests.
I'll let you ladies
sort things out.
Take your time.
Do you need some help?
Yeah.
Your hands are so soft.
You're really beautiful.
You think so?
Not many people
see me like this.
I'm the royal body guard
and I'm not allowed to
indulge in such things.
Nobody's ever touched you
like this before?
No, but I've seen it
many times.
Maybe we should
do a little experiment
of our own.
Okay.
MIB headquarters,
this is Agent Daniels.
Paging for General Randall.
Come in. I'm at the location.
MIB headquarters, come in.
Why am I not surprised?
Please,
make yourself comfortable.
Thank you.
Whoa!
That's not what I meant.
Hmm...
You're a very mysterious creature.
Your intentions confuse me.
I've never seen a species
quite like you before.
You mean a man?
You've never seen a man before?
No, they do not have them
where I come from.
But I think it may be
very important now.
Why is that?
Because our ship
has been destroyed.
We have no way
of returning home.
Good point.
We must now learn
to fit into your world,
to become a part of it,
to do as you do,
to feel as you feel,
to love as you love.
I'm sure you'll be able
to fit in quickly.
You've just got to learn how
to live in a world full of men.
Of course,
and you will teach me, yes?
Yes.
I mean, no!
You're a Princess, aren't you?
I'm just your
every day UFO hunter.
Besides,
Suzi's right down the hall.
She majored
in castration in college.
Don't worry about Suzi.
Tara can handle her.
But now I would like to know
what men do for their mates
here on Earth.
Well, for the sake
of scientific research.
MIB headquarters, come in.
This is Agent Daniels.
Paging for General Randall.
MIB headquarters, come in.
Cease communications, Earthling.
Drop it.
Hold on a second, beautiful.
Okay, I'm sure
we can talk about this.
Who are you communicating with?
My boss.
I was just checking in.
You know,
they get worried about me
down at headquarters
if they don't hear from me.
Sounds like you've got
a lot to be worried about.
Wait a minute.
One more step,
and I'll vaporize you,
Phew, well, we won't
want that now, would we?
You wouldn't.
Look, it's pretty obvious you're
one of those alien things, okay?
But you need me.
I can help.
I don't know what kind
of creature you are,
but I'm certain that there's
nothing you could do for me.
Don't be so sure.
I saw the Princess
engaging in some
physical contact with
the other of your kind.
What was it?
Oh, that.
Yeah, let's just say
he was integrating her
into one of
Earth's oldest customs.
It looked very...
interesting.
I would like you to show me
this contact.
You want me to show you?
Okay.
But, why don't we start by you
not pointing that thing at me?
Okay, but no funny business.
Hey, no funny business.
Cassia, this is Aria.
Come in.
Cassia,
this is Aria.
Answer me!
I hate playing phone tag!
No, I want you to get me
the stainless steel ones.
You know, the ones with
the fur on the inside.
Yeah.
Look, I'm gonna have to
call you back, okay?
General Randall?
Daniels, where the hell
have you been?!
I thought you weren't
coming back.
It's a long, long story, sir.
But I have big news.
You were right.
Something did crash
in those hills.
I knew it!
It was an alien space craft.
Now, unfortunately,
the ship's totaled.
But the occupants were
able to bail out in time.
Where are they?
They're at Jake's house,
just like you suspected.
Two of them, women.
One's a Princess,
and the other's her body guard.
Fantastic!
Are they friendly?
Oh, yes, they're very friendly.
But without their spacecraft,
they're stranded here on Earth.
That's an incredible story.
Are you sure every word
of this is true, Daniels?
I'm positive.
In fact, I brought you proof.
This is Cassia.
Is she one of them?
Oh, she's one of them.
Incredible.
I thought you said
there were two.
Two on the ship that crashed.
Cassia was actually
sent here on a mission
to capture the Princess.
Incredible!
But, she's changed her mind.
Haven't you, dear?
Yes, darling.
I never
want to go back.
What changed her mind?
It's, it's actually all
in the report, sir.
Let's just say we found
a common ground.
And ground it
and ground it.
She's kind of my girlfriend now.
Yeah, uh...
I can see that.
We better wrap this all up.
We better bet them to D.C.
The President's gonna want to
know about this right away.
Yes, sir.
Come on, babe.
On the deck?
Jake, I've been looking
everywhere for you.
Suzi.
Whoa!
You look different.
Do you like it?
It's very...
ordinary.
Don't worry. You look great.
You're gonna fit right in.
Here you go.
I think you'll
find the make up
of the material
to be very...
flexible.
Excellent.
Did you find anything out
new about the Princess?
A few things.
Me too.
So, ladies, I'm gonna have to
tell someone about
your situation.
They might be able to help you.
That's very kind of you.
I'm pretty certain
that we're being tracked
by an evil hunter
named Cassia.
She betrayed me
and tried to kill us.
Then let's go now.
No one is going anywhere.
- Damn it!
- Who are you?
Stop where you are!
Sorry, folks,
MIB is taking over from here.
What's going on?
We've got orders to bring
these girls into Washington.
Don't worry.
Nobody's going to hurt you.
On whose orders?
General Randall's orders.
Oh, why didn't you say so?
Like to take you two in
for some quick questions.
Is there somewhere
we can go in private?
Um, down the hall,
first door on the left.
Don't worry, girls.
He won't hurt you.
He's just a man...
in black.
I know what to do with a man.
So do I.
Um, maybe I should just go
keep an eye on them.
What's taking everyone so long?
I don't know,
but I expect some answers.
I'll bet you do.
And I'll give to you.
But first,
you ever consider
having a close encounter?
Hey, pal, tailgating is illegal
in this quadrant.
I've never seen a species
quite like you before.
I know what to do with a man.
Let me do the talking.
Greetings, Earthlings. How?
Come on, let's try
the loading dock.
Maybe we can hijack
an escape shuttle.
Time to put this baby
on auto-pilot
and do a little hooter hunting.
I am Cassia,
the liaison for your visit.
Cassia, this is Aria.
Come in.
Eluding my trained fighters?
I don't believe it.
Is everything ready as planned?
I haven't seen anything big
from you in days.
That two big-tittied twits
cleaned out our kitchen
and now we have to go
grocery shopping.
Yeah, ka-pow!
Nothing, nothing but smoke.
To me this is important.
I know something is gonna happen,
something big.
Oh, why didn't you say so?
You mean a man.
You've never seen a man before?
MIB headquarters,
this is Agent Daniels.
Paging for General Randall.
Yes, they're very friendly.
But you need me.
I can help.
What can you tell me about
the UFO tracking station
at Santa Mira Springs?
On the deck?