Eulogy (2004) Movie Script
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey. You don't know me.
I don't know you.
KATE: Twice in my life,
I've had to deliver bad news
to someone I'd never met.
Hey...
The first time
involved a cat
that ran out in the middle
of my driver's test.
This time was
a bit trickier.
Hey...
Are you waiting
for me to
say something?
No.
Okay.
I don't know
where to start.
Well, why don't
you start from
the beginning?
Okay. Okay. Um...
(PHONE RINGING)
(LOUD POP MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello.
What?
Grandma.
Turn that down!
Grandma, what's the matter?
KATE: All of my life,
my grandfather told me,
never pick up the phone
on the first ring.
What?
And now he was dead.
What? What happened?
I was the first one
my grandmother called.
I waited until
I could see straight
before I broke the news
to my dad.
You may remember
him as the Spiffy
Peanut Butter kid.
My dad's the one
with the spoon in his mouth.
What is it, son?
Something is stuck
to my tongue.
(ALL LAUGHING)
KATE: Must be weird to have
your career peak at 8.
Now, he works mostly
in obscure foreign films.
DIRECTOR: ...removing
her clothes, he's
massaging her breasts.
Let me see that
in your eyes.
Maybe you're
gonna get caught.
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
They're not supposed
to be doing that.
(RINGING CONTINUES)
Could we just
cut, please?
Don't answer that.
Hello.
DIRECTOR: Look sexy.
Oh, hey, sweetie.
Smoky eyes...
What?
That's it.
Touch yourself.
Keep goin'.
That's good.
That's it.
No, I'll call them.
I'll call them.
Dearest Judge...
Excuse me?
My client...
(WHISPERS) Name?
Oh, it's, uh... Lace.
Miss Lace
was engaged
in a consensual
servicing
of an entrapable
member.
Are you an attorney?
(LAUGHS) Touch,
Your Highness.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Talk to me.
Counselor.
What?
Whoa.
Okay, now put
the eggs down
without breaking them
and without using your hands.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Come on, guys,
we're...
What's he doing?
Watch.
We don't have
time for this,
guys, all right?
Ugh, no good
can come of this.
Nice. Can we go now?
Do a shoulder stand.
Guys, come on.
We've got
this funeral.
Grandpa's not
going anywhere.
Get in the car.
Get the bowl
onto the table
without spilling.
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Ugh...
This is why
your mother left us.
She was a hack.
I've seen better
moms on TV.
I know.
I don't even know
why we're going.
I mean,
he was your dad.
Maybe he left
you something.
He probably
left it all to wifey.
Nana.
I know.
He picked
the perfect time
for this one,
didn't he? Huh?
Huh, Burt?
You know, it's two weeks
before his birthday.
The one day that was
more important to him
than his goddamn job,
and now he's managed
to fuck this up, too.
Sorry.
(SIGHS)
Nice work, Pop.
Is everybody coming?
Yeah. The asylum
will be full.
I can't believe Grandpa's
not gonna be there.
I know, sweetie.
(BEEP)
You're doing
the right thing.
You're fully
experiencing the loss.
And when you're
ready, take a
deep breath in...
(INHALES DEEPLY)
...like that.
Try to really
maximize the feeling.
Feel it
really intensely.
And then
as you exhale...
(EXHALES)
(BEEPS)
...just try
to let those
feelings go, okay?
He just died.
Yeah.
(BEEPS)
I know.
But, believe me,
it's the way
your grandfather
would have wanted it.
To be dead?
Ugh.
Oh, where can she be?
Where's my little
tubby turtle?
I'm not a turtle.
I'm Katie.
EDMUND: Well,
I'm looking for someone
to help me eat...
I will, Pom-Pom.
...a hot-fudge sundae.
You okay?
Come on. Let's go find
your grandmother.
I don't see why
you'd wanna wait.
(DOOR OPENS)
They have
a right to know.
No, it's my
decision now.
Fair enough.
DANIEL: Hello? Mom?
You have an appointment
with the parson tomorrow.
I don't think so.
DANIEL: There she is.
Danny boy.
Hey, Lance.
Good to see
you, son.
Grandma.
Oh, baby.
Oh...
You know what?
He loved you
and your daddy
more than anybody else
in the family.
I know that's
not true, but thanks.
No, really!
He couldn't even
remember the names
of his other
two children.
Three children.
Oh. Always thinking
of others.
Hey, Mom.
ALICE: Burt, do I have
to grab everything?
Well, I have to go.
Are you sure
you're okay?
I feel as if I finally
have a chance
to do something
with my life.
Good.
Ahhh! Sorry.
Alice.
Glad to see you.
Lance. Katie,
Katie, Katie.
Oh, Alice.
What are we gonna do?
(EXHALES)
I think I'll just
take my old room,
and then... Danny.
Hey, Alice.
Hi.
Oh, I was just waiting
to see you on television, huh?
Well, you may not
have to wait very long.
I actually...
Right. I'm just...
Mother...
God! I'm trying
to get to the sorrow.
I really am,
but I still feel
so angry.
I mean, I want
to just grab him
and shake him
and say,
"How dare you?
"How dare you
go out that back door
"with your little
suitcase?
"I mean, where
in God's name are
you going this time?"
(SOBS)
I'm okay, though.
I'm okay. I'm sorry.
Oh! I've never heard
you say that word.
Well, we don't
have to make a talk show
out of it, do we?
Burt!
Don't tarry.
Don't tarry.
Hi, Burt.
Hi, kids.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, Burt.
Look, we've had
a very difficult trip.
So, we should
probably just consider
what everybody
wants to eat,
and that way, we can
just make one dish
that suits the group...
KATE: Alice and
her husband Burt
had managed
to produce three
silent children.
My tribe only
eats bread and
American cheese
in various forms,
so, I mean...
I could make
this dish I think
everybody might enjoy.
This little
casserole that
I like to make.
I'm sort of
famous around my
house for making it.
Have you said hello
to your grandmother?
Let me take a look
at you three.
Stop looking like
she's gonna bite you.
She's not
gonna bite you.
Stop it. Stop
feigning those
fake little twitches
that you're doing.
We've talked...
KATE: My grandmother
always said
she wished Alice
came with a mute button.
ALICE: If you think
it's any better at any
of your friends' houses,
if you think it's any
better at their house,
you can just
pack your bags and
move in with them.
(MUTED)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Ah, that's better.
All right, treat
everybody with
respect, okay?
Let's try not to be
the biggest freaks
in the circus.
What the hell is that
supposed to mean?
He wants us to say,
"No, thank you,"
instead of,
"Eat my ass Jell-o."
Hey, stop it.
All right?
Stop it,
for Christ's sakes.
Where do you guys
learn that shit?
Mom...
Sorry about Dad.
Yeah... Mmm...
You remember
the boys?
How could I forget them?
Hey, G.
So, what did
he leave us?
Your grandfather's will
won't be read
until after the funeral.
Talk about
being early.
Seriously, man.
God, dude.
You always hit me first.
He pushed me.
DANIEL: Hey, Skipper.
Hey.
ALICE: Oh, why do
terrible things always
come in threes?
I see Alice is
already rifling
through the drawers.
No, I'm looking
for ingredients.
I'm going to make us
all dinner tonight.
Hmm.
Hey, Uncle Skip.
Hey. Hi.
Hey, boys.
Hi, Katie.
KATE: Uncle Skip
and the twins
were a little heavy
with hormones,
but they were
at those ages.
I used to have
an Aunt Lily, too,
but they scared her away.
Family legend
says that it was
the night before
their eleventh birthday.
What the hell
is that?
It's your
birthday cake.
I was hoping
it would be
a surprise.
I'm more
than surprised.
I'm shocked!
This isn't
what we ordered.
You don't order
your mother.
I spent two days
making...
We ordered
an erotic
cheesecake.
Excuse me?
(WHISPERS)
You're excused.
We'll fix it.
(GASPS) Oh, no.
(LILY SOBBING)
Oh... What?
What?
(LILY SOBBING)
They ruined it.
They ruined it.
Well, it's their
birthday, right?
Where did they
even hear the term,
"erotic cheesecake"?
Hey, somebody's
gotta teach them
these things, right?
What "things"?
That, that you can
make a cheesecake
look like
disembodied breasts?
Or an ass.
Katie, sweetheart,
I want you
to eulogize
your grandfather.
Oh, Grandma,
I don't think
I can make a speech.
I wouldn't know
what to say.
If it were me,
I would want you
to say something
that made some
sense out of my life.
Something
that honored me.
Hey, what about Dad?
Or, um,
Skip or Lucy?
Your grandfather
wanted you.
And you boys
are going to
have to help
with the burial.
Your father
left very
specific instructions.
(DOOR OPENS)
Okay.
Hi, everybody.
Hey, ladies.
You remember Skip?
Yeah.
And these are
his two boys,
Tim and Jim?
Yeah, close enough.
Hi, guys.
I'm, uh...
Lucy's life
partner, Judy.
BOTH: Lesbians.
I really can't
believe you
brought her.
Hello, Alice.
ALICE: No, it's just
I thought you'd
come alone. It's family.
Are you starting
already?
Oh, no, no, no.
It just, it didn't
occur to me
to bring my sex toys.
Did you bring any sex toys?
You wouldn't
know a sex toy
if it left a battery
in your vagina.
Oh! My vagina,
as you were
so whimsically
about to refer to it,
has served
as sacred passage
for three anatomically
correct children.
So...
Bad image.
Erase, erase.
So, who needs a drink?
Let's drink.
KATE: My family
still observes
the cocktail hour
with a vengeance.
This isn't
about you, so...
Are you talking
to the sex toy?
I'm sure you're
a very nice... Lesbian.
Is that the
preferred term?
No! No, we
prefer "whore."
I think all women do
these days.
Well...
I guess I owe you
an apology.
Are you working
up to it?
So...
What do you girls do?
What do you mean,
"What do we do"?
For fun?
Eat out,
go to the movies.
Oh, normal stuff.
Drinks.
I...
Ladies.
Thank you.
Thank you.
What did you
think we did?
No, I, I didn't have a...
I wasn't thinking
of something,
and I just... (STAMMERING)
I don't know
what you do.
Do you think
we spend all night
triple-tonguing
our G-spots?
(EXCLAIMS)
It's my
father's funeral,
so if you
could muster up
just a little bit
of respect,
that would be...
Don't worry. You know,
don't worry about Alice.
You think she's gone,
she comes back,
you know, like herpes.
Thanks, Skip.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Yeah.
So, how are you
and Lucy doing?
Well, I mean...
This is just awful.
I know. I hate being
around my family, too.
Oh.
Yeah. But, I mean,
I mean...
How are you doing...
You know...
Physically?
Physically?
Well, yeah.
I mean, like you said...
What is it?
Triple-tonguing.
What is that?
Is that a thing...
What are you doing?
Go talk to
your mother.
You talk to her, all right?
She's a downer.
She's a widow.
She was
a downer first.
Just go talk
to your mother.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Excuse me.
Okay.
(SIGHS)
Do you need a punch?
Do you want me
to punch you?
You have
real problems.
You don't do that.
You don't throw
a lemon at me
in front of a lesbian.
Nice goin'.
DANIEL: Me nice going?
"The triple-tongue thing"?
SKIP: Yeah, you.
Hi.
My, my dad died
when I was 11.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I don't know
why I said that.
What size are you?
Me?
Come upstairs.
This is the dress
I wore on the
boardwalk in 1956.
It's... It's so elegant.
It's yours.
I wore it once.
It was a great night.
Maybe the best
night of my life.
It's a lucky dress.
I couldn't.
Oh, please!
Take them all.
I know we haven't spent
that much time together,
but I already know
I like you better
than I like Alice.
(LAUGHS)
And besides,
Katie and Lucy
aren't my size.
Thank you.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(CHUCKLES)
(STAMMERS)
It's a little bit
runnier than usual.
Think I just, I just
didn't quite move it,
or put enough
cheese in it.
This looks like
it fell out of a horse.
Thanks, but
I already had my mucus
course for the day.
Listen, you shut
your spit cave,
you foul-mouthed
little shit-fucker
before I beat
the living snot
out of you.
I'm going down to Doc's
to pick up some lobster,
if anyone wants in?
Yes, please.
(ALL AGREEING)
It's a good idea.
Yeah, it's a good idea.
Get some big ones
with the big meaty claws.
Big meaty claws.
As a side dish,
it's fine.
Well...
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
God, it's so good
to get out of there.
Katie, it's good
to see you.
Oh, Luce, I'm so sorry.
Yeah. Well, it's okay.
Nobody else
in the family
seems to
give a crap.
Yeah, I've noticed.
So, you coming?
Where?
To the wedding.
What wedding?
Isn't that what
you're sorry for?
I'm sorry
about Grandpa.
Oh, Katie,
nobody blames you.
Two for dinner?
No. I called in
an order for Collins.
Oh, let me check
on that for you.
What wedding?
Judy and I are
getting married.
Really?
Vows and everything.
Congratulations.
I sent you
an invitation.
No, you didn't.
It's okay.
Everybody in the family
is pretending
they didn't get it.
I didn't get one.
I, I distinctly
remember weeding
the family invites
out early. No.
I, I went to the...
I put them...
Wait.
I mailed them.
I know...
(GASPS)
I am such a bonehead!
Stupid! Stupid!
Stupid! Oh!
Well, here you go.
What are you
doing down there?
(WHISPERS)
It's Ryan.
Little Ryan
from the be... Ahhh!
(WHISPERS) What
are you doing?
He could hear you!
Hi.
KATE: Little Ryan.
My childhood friend.
Since before
I can remember,
we spent
our summers together.
(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)
He always acted like
he had a crush on me,
and I always acted
like I didn't notice.
It seemed like nothing could
ever come between us...
Until the last night
of last summer.
Even the ushers
who threw us out
couldn't pull us apart.
His parents were off
camping somewhere
with his little brother,
and everything
was perfect.
The flicker of
the candlelight,
the gentle dancing
of the rain on the roof,
the familiar sound
of a car door slamming.
(CAR DOOR SLAMS)
(GASPS)
Katie, Katie. Katie!
KATE: I never
meant for anything
to happen between us.
I couldn't let
there be any witnesses.
I can heat up some lasagna
if you boys are hungry.
Oh, hi... Katie.
Nice to see you again.
Let's hear it.
No, no, no.
Come on, do it.
No.
One last time.
Okay.
This one's for Dad.
Something is stuck
to my tongue.
Oh! There it is.
(LAUGHING)
Wow.
If I ever...
Single bullet.
To my left eye.
This is a good time.
How can this
be a good time?
Your dad just died.
My family could use
a little good news.
Trust me.
Hey, everyone,
I have an announcement
to make.
We sent out
some invitations...
Or, at least,
I thought we did,
and I was actually
getting pretty angry
at all of you.
I suspected
some sort of con...
Ah!
Anyway, myself
and Judy...
"Judy and I."
Judy and I
would like to...
(SNICKERS)
What is it, Fred?
It's Ted.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
LUCY: What are you
laughing at?
I don't know.
But I can't wait
to find out
what you two vageniuses
are up to.
What did you
just say?
Nice vocab word.
What did he
just call us?
Vageniuses.
It's a compound
compliment.
You see what
I put up with?
How can you tell me
not to scream
my fucking head off?
JUDY: You're losing it.
LUCY: No!
These are the
people that you want
at our wedding?
Oh, is one of you
getting married?
We both are.
To who?
To each other.
(LAUGHING)
Awesome!
How many friends
can we bring?
(ALICE CONTINUES LAUGHING)
Oh, this is so rich.
Alice...
KATE: I think
it's great.
Very great.
Congratulations,
really.
Thank you.
So, uh, where's
the wedding happening?
In a dream?
No, Alice.
In a town hall.
Oh.
Look, I just think
it's sad, all right?
Two women pretending
to be married.
I pretended I was married
for 12 years.
And I think that
marriage is based
on commitment
and communication
and not necessarily
the presence of a penis.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
My children
are here, all right?
Watch your language.
What, are you worried
they're gonna repeat it?
Burt...
(STAMMERS)
Burt, do you hear
what's going on here?
(STAMMERING AND LAUGHING)
No, no, at least
Burt and me know
how we're supposed
to fit together.
"Burt and I."
Is that what this
is all about?
Is that what everyone
in this fucked-up family
needs to know?
How we go together?
Well... Well,
we often start by
gently kissing...
Oh, I am not doing this.
I said I am not
doing this.
FRED: Aw, come back!
Aunt Lucy was really
making her point.
So, Luce, since you're
having people perform,
you know,
fake ceremonies
and stuff,
why don't you
just have them
announce you queen
or president?
Mmm.
Shut it.
TWINS:
All right!
Okay.
Because, I mean,
there are programs...
Shut your goddamn mouth!
...who can just cast
a spell on you.
Whoa, here we go!
Make you less afraid
of male genitalia. Whoo!
Shut it!
Ooh, Lucy!
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!
When did you get
so much stronger
than me, huh?
Shut it.
Oh, I forgot.
You're not.
Ahh!
Table!
Wuss.
Oh, no.
(ALICE SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING)
Lucy...
Guys! Guys!
All right, that's
almost enough.
DANIEL: Stop it.
Are you guys kidding?
I love this family.
And you didn't
want to come.
KATE: One thing about
being in such a
theatrical family,
it's easy to lose track
of everything that's
happening offstage.
Grandma?
Grandma!
(GRANDMA SOBS)
Grandma!
(GRANDMA COUGHING)
Grandma,
are you okay?
GRANDMA:
I'm all right.
Open up the door.
Mom.
(COUGHING CONTINUES)
Grandma.
Clear. Clear!
What?
Ow!
What happened?
I said I'm all right.
What did you do?
I just slipped,
and I spilled
all this stuff.
Somebody please
get me a glass of water.
(INDISTINCT)
SKIP: Get her
a glass water.
BURT: Are you,
are you hurt?
Can you get up?
How did you
fall down?
She slipped.
Thank you all
so much.
Grandma, what
are you doing?
I knew it!
Mom!
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
(WOMAN CHATTERING ON PA)
(WHISPERS) Stop it.
Just stop it.
I am not
doing anything.
DOCTOR: Collins.
I'm Dr. Rice. We pumped
your mother's stomach.
Hi.
ALICE: It was
an accident.
How did she
accidentally chug
half a bottle
of sleeping pills?
She was cleaning
them up.
With her mouth?
We need to keep her
for the night,
but she's going
to be fine.
ALICE: She recently
lost her husband,
and she slipped,
Lucy?
and I think she
got confused with...
Little Lucy toothy,
is that you?
It's been so long.
Samantha, hi.
Alice.
How are you?
Great.
Just great.
When can we
take her home?
Well, like I said,
just overnight,
and then tomorrow
we'll sign her out
and you can
take her home.
Well, I think...
Could you keep her
for another day,
just to be safe?
Oh, my God.
Bite me.
(PHONE RINGING)
Skip.
Hey, sis.
Did they puke her?
All right,
I'll spread it.
All right, bye.
She unswallowed.
Oh, thank God.
Poor Grandma.
Yeah.
She just wants to be
the star of the funeral.
No, she doesn't.
Hey, Elvis killed himself
because someone
was gonna write a book
about his underwear wrestling.
(CHUCKLES) What?
What are you doing?
Grandma asked me
to speak at the funeral.
Oh. Nobody
asked me to speak.
Do you want to?
Because
I have no idea
what to say.
Just say...
(SIGHS)
He was away so much,
it was weird
to have him around.
I just want
to say something
beautiful and poetic.
Pop loved poetry.
He did?
Yeah.
All the ones
about Nantucket.
I think his favorite
was about
a little handicapped girl.
"There once was
a girl who was crippled,
"by the weight
of her overgrown nipple."
KATE: I needed to
talk to someone
who saw grandpa clearly.
(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING
ON STEREO)
(SINGING ALONG)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
KATE: Dad.
Dad, are you in there?
(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
(COUGHS)
(TURNS MUSIC DOWN)
Dad, the door is locked,
and I need to talk.
Katie?
Dad?
Fuck!
Coming.
Dad.
Coming!
Fuck! Fuck!
(GRUMBLES)
Dad.
Coming,
coming, sweetie.
God damn it!
Is that a joint?
Ah! (GROANING)
Dad?
Yes, boys?
So, uh, how's
that book going?
It's hot.
Can we help you
with anything?
Maybe, uh,
intern with you?
You can rub my feet
if you want.
That would
be nice.
Mom has that appointment
with the parson tomorrow.
Yeah, well, don't worry,
'cause I'm gonna spring her.
She was trying
to kill herself.
Yeah. It's
pretty common.
In fact,
after Scandinavians,
it's the over-70 crowd
that is the most suicidal.
Well, shouldn't we be
doing something
to help her?
No. Mmm-mmm.
'Cause, um, once people
have their mind made up,
there's, there's
really very little
that you could do
to stop 'em.
There's got to be
something we can do.
Do you remember
that game against Easton?
Oh, yeah. They were
a very tough team.
No, but do you
remember, uh...
Naomi in the hotel...
Oh, at the motel?
...with the oow-oow-oow?
Oow-oow-oow.
(LAUGHS)
Do you remember?
"Oh, look at how silly
and normal I can act
"when I'm not
persecuting my sister."
(MOCKING LAUGHTER)
How often
do you smoke?
You know...
Never in the morning.
Dad.
I know, I...
That was really lame.
I just...
I don't know what
I'm doing anymore.
You're mourning.
Yeah.
What?
You're mourning.
Yeah. Yes.
I think I am.
Yeah.
You'd think I'd be
over it by now.
Well, Dad,
it just happened.
No.
He's been dead
for years.
What?
If I just
would have gotten
that stupid
toothpaste commercial.
That was the moment.
I swear to God.
What are we
talking about?
I... I was the choice
for this toothpaste
campaign.
I was the guy,
and I just...
I could not
say the line.
I literally...
I couldn't say it.
You know,
"It's the breath
freshiest."
I just...
Okay. I can't believe
I just said that.
I have never been able
to say that before.
It's like
a tongue-twister for me.
"It's the breath
freshiest."
(LAUGHS)
Oh, my God!
Fuck.
Um, Dad,
are you okay?
Yeah. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's just...
I just feel sometimes
like I've spent
my whole life
in this waiting room
at an audition,
you know,
and they finally called
my fucking name,
and I just...
And then somebody else
stood up, you know,
and they got my role,
and they've been
living my life,
and I'm just groping.
I've just been
stumbling around
in the dark
ever since then.
(SIGHS)
Your mom knew.
Your mom knew.
She always said,
"We have to get out
of acting, Daniel."
Mom was an actress?
No.
You just said, "We have to
get out of acting."
No. I must have
misspelled something.
What?
What?
You told me Mom
was a social worker
who died
of caring too much.
(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
I said she...
What did I say she did?
(LAUGHING)
Dad, did you lie to me?
No, no, no, no.
No?
No. I... No.
I probably was just, uh,
protecting you.
So, Mom was an actress?
Well...
Is there anything
I could see her in?
No.
No?
No.
Well...
(GROANS)
What kind of movies
did Mom make, Dad?
Honestly, it's
not that bad.
She never used
her real name.
Do you have any, um...
Do you have any
Cookie Tushala movies?
I'll check, but we're
probably all out.
Is that
Katie Collins?
Hi.
Hi, Katie.
I haven't seen you
since you were
at the house with...
You're in luck.
And this one's
possibly her best,
just for its utter
lack of story.
We heard about
your grandfather.
Oh, yes. We didn't
know him very well,
but we're very sorry.
Oh, thanks so much.
Yeah,
that'll be $3.50.
(VIDEO CLATTERING)
Does Ryan know
you're here?
Oh. Wait till he hears
who we saw renting...
Vagina Town.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Thanks.
It's a classic.
(CHUCKLES)
How would I know?
Be careful
what you wish for.
(GUNSHOTS)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
MAN ON VIDEO:
Uh, howdy, ma'am.
FRED: Coming.
I just rode into town
from a long ride
on the trail.
We didn't see this town
on any of our
trail maps, ma'am.
Hey, dudes.
I'm looking for Katie.
Hi.
TED: She's here
somewhere.
Cousin Katie!
WOMAN ON VIDEO:
This is a town
unlike any other town.
MAN:
Yes, ma'am.
This is a very unusual town
you have here.
WOMAN:
I hope you boys
know how to
ride bareback.
(MAN UNZIPPING ON VIDEO)
Holy Jesus!
His penis!
KATE: Most people
don't even like
to think of their parents
having sex with each other,
much less
multiple bad actors.
I had to do something.
FRED: Hey,
I was watching that!
ALICE: Morning.
KATE: Morning.
Coffee?
No.
Other families have
these sort of problems,
but they don't talk
about them, all right?
I mean, I'm sorry.
I live in the real world.
I work hard at raising
a decent family.
Ugh!
You don't see me
prancing around in
my pajamas all day,
starting up pillow fights
with my topless girlfriend.
What are we
talking about?
It won't work.
Everyone knows
that the only gay
relationships that last
are between people
of the same height.
Did you and Lucy
ever get along?
Well, I guess.
Well, when your grandfather
was around, of course.
He kept the peace?
Uh, no, no, no.
He just kept us
on eggshells.
He had us all
so desperate
for his approval.
Well, look
at your father.
He made a career
out of it.
Morning.
Morning, Dad.
Morning, Danny.
Morning, everyone.
DANIEL: Everybody
sleep okay?
ALICE: Never.
KATE: I did.
DANIEL: Hey,
did we have a blackout
last night?
That's what I heard.
Yeah, we sure did.
I couldn't even
find my room...
What?
You found
my room all right.
It was dark.
So you hid
in my closet?
With your kids?
We were lost.
Um, hey, you guys,
listen to this.
Tell me
how it sounds.
"Grandpa made us aware
that there is
"a whole world
of opportunity out there."
He did?
Who are we
talking about?
Grandpa.
Oh.
Tell her about
the time that, uh,
Dad built us
that swing.
That was Carl,
the neighbor.
Mr. Grabby.
Mr. Grabby
built the swing?
Mmm. Oh,
he was so creepy.
He'd put his hand
on your shoulder
and announce, "You're it."
Then he wouldn't
run away.
He wouldn't even
take his hand away.
Right.
Um, hi, you guys.
Um, there was
a lot of paperwork,
and I had to
pull some strings
and sign
a lot of names,
but she's back.
KATE: Grandma.
SKIP: There she is.
Hi, Mother.
DANIEL: Hey, Mom.
Try it again,
I'll kill you myself.
Alice.
Well, I have to get
back to work, so... Bye.
Thanks, Sam.
What happened, Grandma?
(LAUGHS)
Nothing happened.
I was just
a little confused.
About what?
Well, I thought the vows
we took were forever.
KATE: They were.
It's just that
your forever
was longer than
Grandpa's forever.
Hi, everybody.
ALL: Hey, Ryan.
Katie.
Hey, Ryan.
How are you?
Good. Um...
I'm sorry about
your grandfather.
Hey. You know...
He died. (LAUGHS)
Yeah. Um...
You know, it's...
You can't, uh...
You want to, like,
go for a walk or...
So...
So...
Still driving a taxi?
Yeah. Yep.
To save up money
for college.
Are you mad at me?
No.
Really?
Really. I mean it.
You're a great kid.
Um... Thanks, Coach.
No, I just...
I just think that...
What happened
last summer was...
What? What happened?
At your house.
After the movie.
Oh, you don't mean
that time when
you attacked me
at the movie theater,
and then you came
over to my place
and took all
your clothes off
and then ran out without
saying goodbye.
Is that what you're
talking about?
Katie.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Salmon.
Salmon who?
Salmonella.
What are you doing?
Science experiment.
How many eggs does it
take to make them
say something?
Speak,
young cousins.
Burt, you see
what's going on here?
Burt.
Oh. Uh...
(CHUCKLES)
(EGG CRACKS)
What has Alice done
to all of you?
Now, this is
my favorite.
Cherry,
inlaid olive,
and real brass
fittings.
At just $32,000,
it's quite a steal.
Just $32,000?
How much does it cost
to stick him in
a garbage bag?
Mother!
What does he care?
Mom,
it's just
unbelievably disrespectful.
This isn't even
going in the ground.
What?
What do you mean?
Dad wanted us
to float him out
in a flaming boat.
I'm not sure
that's legal.
(SIGHS) Great.
Well, my kids are not
staying for that.
Why doesn't he
want to be buried?
I don't want
to be buried.
No. This is not
about you.
I hate bugs.
Yeah, I have to admit,
I don't exactly get
the whole cemetery
thing myself.
A cemetery is like
an old-age home
for the dead,
a place where you can
visit your loved ones
without the bother
of daily care
and maintenance.
Daily care?
Oh, you'd be
surprised.
(DOOR OPENS)
Ah, Parson Banke.
Sad business.
Sad business.
This is the surviving
Collins family.
I'm Alice Collins.
Hi. I'm Daniel.
Daniel. Hi.
Hi.
They're mourning the loss
of their beloved Edmund.
Ah. Ah.
I didn't know Edmund
as well as I should have.
Perhaps if we
had ever met.
Katie.
Katie. Katie.
Katie, Katie, Katie,
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I don't want anything
that may or may not have
happened between us
to affect
our friendship.
You mean that?
Yeah.
I don't have
any friends like you.
So we'll be friends?
Yeah.
Always were. Right?
Thank you.
Well, I don't know
why everything has to be
such a production
with this family.
We didn't need
to buy one.
The basement's
loaded with boxes.
You don't bring
your own, Mom.
But we did buy one.
We bought a box.
So, it's over.
Looked more like
a shipping crate, but...
Your father would
have wanted a bag.
Look, could we just
try to act normal
for the next two days?
Would that be possible?
Does that include you,
or are you just telling
everybody else what to do?
Look, don't cast me
in the role
of crazed control freak,
all right?
Stop auditioning for it.
I just wanted to put
my dead father
in a nice box.
You want to put
everyone in a box.
The ineffectual
mother box,
the struggling
actor box.
People put
themselves
in boxes.
I just label them.
Like the rebellious,
teenage lesbian box
that you're still
stuck in at 35.
Stop it.
Stop it!
Ladies.
Don't start your shit
with me, little sis!
I'm warning you...
(SHOUTING)
Something is stuck
to my tongue!
Try not to worry
so much.
Everything is
gonna work out
for you kids.
And always remember
to brush before bed.
(SCREAMING)
(GROANS)
Uh, guys...
(WOMAN CHATTERING ON PA)
So, that was
really lucky.
You guys were
right there, hmm?
Yeah. Um...
That was lucky.
Yeah.
Um, you guys...
Sam.
Is she gonna
be all right?
Um, she's...
She's gonna be fine.
She snapped
a few bones,
mostly shoulder
and face,
a couple of ribs.
But they slapped
her in a halfie.
Oh, well,
that's good, right?
Can we see her?
Not until she hardens,
and, you know,
even then, it might
not be, um, a great idea.
She might want
to be left alone,
because usually people
are kind of embarrassed
after an accident
like that.
It wasn't
an accident.
Well, it is
what it is.
So, um, why don't
you guys, uh, go home,
and then I'll...
I'll give you
an update
when I get
off of work.
I'm sorry, you had to see
my grandma like that.
I've never seen
anyone like that.
(LAUGHS)
(SOBS)
Hey.
You okay?
Oh, yeah.
This weekend just
keeps getting
better and better.
Your grandmother's
gonna be fine, okay?
And your grandfather...
He's, um...
(CHUCKLING)
I'm sorry.
I still have to
think of something
to say about him that's
nicer than,
"He wasn't a freak
like the rest of you."
You could talk about
how his eyes
would light up
when he saw you.
Or how they'd narrow
when he saw me.
(LAUGHS)
Feel a little better?
Did she say anything
before she jumped?
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
BOTH: "Brush your teeth."
Oral hygiene freak.
(ALL LAUGHING)
LUCY: Shh!
I heard something.
Malice.
Yeah, what ever
happened to Alice?
Yeah. Who dumped her
in the bitch tank?
(ALL LAUGHING)
She wasn't like this
when we were kids.
JUDY: (STAMMERING)
Wait a second.
We're talking
about Alice here?
Yeah. Alice was fun
and mischievous.
We're talking about
your sister Alice?
Yeah.
(LUCY LAUGHING)
What happened?
You know how some women
respond to motherhood?
Some don't.
(LAUGHING)
(DOOR CREAKS)
LUCY: It's Kate.
What are you guys
doing down here?
Just sitting and...
Smoking pot again?
(LAUGHING)
That's what
we're doing.
Your family's
a weed-head.
LUCY: Remember,
remember the crew cuts
in high school?
You and Alice
fought the dress
code there.
SKIP: She was cool.
Remember when
she used to sing?
Remember that?
My Aunt Alice?
Alice and Blue.
Yeah, whatever
happened to
Alice and Blue?
Whatever happened
to any of us, really?
What happened
to us? I mean,
what's gonna happen?
We're gonna close
our eyes, and then
we're gonna
open up, and we're all
gonna be on a big
flaming rowboat.
Dead on a boat.
(LAUGHING)
Yeah, how are
we supposed to do
that, by the way?
Do what?
Mom said that
Dad wants us to
put him in his
little rowboat.
(SNICKERING)
I'm not kidding.
I'm not kidding here.
And light it on fire.
And launch him
out to sea.
Like the Vikings.
Hmm. And you
listened to her?
Good thing he didn't
want us to eat him.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hey, my boys will help,
when we do that.
That's comforting.
When I die,
I want to be cremated.
Oh, me, too.
Yeah, me, too.
I want you
to take my ashes,
and I want you
to mix them
with the ink that
the government uses
to print money.
(LAUGHING)
Yes. And then...
And then
I'll be everywhere.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
ALICE: So, this is
how you choose to
spend the time,
while mother
is hardening in the hospital?
That's cool.
Emotion denied.
Hey, give me
that joint.
Give me the joint.
JUDY: Uh-oh.
She's adding
ingredients to
her personality.
You know, um, now
might be
a good time for
you to get stories.
About you grandfather.
You know what I would say
if he was here?
Right now? I'll tell you
what I'd say if he was here.
Say, "Hey, Dad.
You got another son.
"You got
another kid.
"There's two of us,
all right?
"Don't you remember?
Don't you remember
the Skipper?"
(MIMICS EDMUND)
"Oh, no, no.
"That's my boy.
That's my...
That's my Danny boy.
"He's my boy,
my Danny boy."
Well, what about me?
What about...
Look what I can do.
Huh? Look what I stuck
to my face, Dad.
Huh? Can I be your boy?
Can I be your boy?
I'm right
in front of you!
This is good shit.
Oh, yeah.
You know, that's
a great example
for your daughter.
I'm not here.
Uh, nice to see you all.
She said
she wasn't here, but
she was here.
I don't know if your,
uh, grandparents
ever told you,
but I used to go up
there and hang out
when you
weren't around,
till your grandfather
hit me with a rock.
You coming?
Yeah.
He said he thought
I was a crow.
I was not his
favorite person.
(SIGHS)
What am I gonna
say about him?
What would you want
people to say about you?
What could you
say about me?
What would
I say about you?
We had a...
A dress code
in high school.
We had to
wear skirts,
blouses,
little vests.
And Alice talked
a bunch of girls,
maybe 20,
into protesting it.
So, they come
to school,
and they're wearing
jeans and hot pants...
The headmaster lost it.
He suspended them,
so next week...
Next week?
What's next week?
Sweetie... (LAUGHING)
You were
telling a story.
Yeah, you were
telling a story.
Alice and
the dress code.
Oh, God.
We had a dress code
in high school.
We had to wear
these little uniforms...
We heard this part.
With the... With blouses
and things like this.
(LAUGHING) And
Alice talked a bunch
of girls, maybe 20...
Fast-forward.
(LAUGHING)
And they come to school
wearing hot pants
and jeans...
And so,
the next week,
they come back to school
wearing the uniform,
but they had crew cuts.
(BOTH LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
You know, I can't remember
a time that you weren't
telling that story.
No. She was my hero.
I'll have some.
No. You've had quite
enough, my darling.
You remember
when we used to
try to listen for
each other's thoughts?
Okay, I got one.
No. Tell me
the first thought.
Tell me what
I'm thinking.
You're thinking, "I hope
he doesn't ask me about
my first thought again."
Oh, it's drizzling.
It's nice.
Yeah. Yeah.
You know,
Sam, thanks.
Thanks for
helping us so much.
Oh, anything
for you, Alice.
Oh, that's nice.
All right.
Do you want
to hear something
really pretty?
A song. I've been
listening to it.
Yeah. Okay.
On the way here.
I still think this
tree house needs
a second storey.
That was one of
our better ideas.
(LAUGHING)
Who knew
that wood paneling
wouldn't make
a solid floor?
(LAUGHING)
You know?
Everybody.
Yeah, exactly.
And they kept
telling us.
Yeah.
We had a dream.
We did.
(CHUCKLES)
I still dream
about you.
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
Hey, what ever
happened to that guy
that you were
going with in college?
Um... Oh, nothing.
Hmm.
Hey, Alice.
You remember when
your father walked in
on us in
the basement?
Were we doing this?
Kind of.
Were we doing this?
Um... Sort of.
(SLOW MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
What are you guys
doing here?
Just looking.
He's fogging up
my window.
Shut up.
Stop.
What is that?
(SLOW MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
We've got to
go inside.
Come on.
What are you
guys looking at?
JUDY: That's
Samantha's car.
I love you guys.
(YELPS)
(SCREAMING)
(ALL GASP)
Oh!
You!
And now
Miss Katherine Ann Collins
will bestow upon us
a few comforting words
in our time of
bereavement.
Edmund Collins
was a great man,
who we all loved
very deeply.
EDMUND: Oh, God!
And he made
us feel special
about ourselves...
Oh, come on, Katie!
Grandpa!
Sweetheart,
you could do
better than that.
I, uh...
You, uh...
That's the way
you talk when
you've been
hanging around that
local boy too much.
I know what
you've been doing.
'Cause I can
see everything.
I'm sorry, Grandpa.
I'm depending
on you, sweetie.
Yes, Grandpa.
So, don't let me ever
catch you fooling around
with that delinquent,
or I swear I'll...
(GROANING)
(ALARM CLOCK BUZZING)
(BUZZING STOPS)
Good morning.
(STAMMERS)
Okay...
Um...
Is Alice up?
Are you leaving?
Yes.
Okay.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Where is she?
KATE: (SIGHS) I don't know.
She didn't leave
with Samantha?
Morning.
BOTH: Morning.
Where's, uh...
We don't know.
Well, did she leave...
SKIP: No, she didn't.
I saw her get out
of the car,
and I saw her
go towards the woods.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
And then she just became
a tiny, screaming...
KATE: I'm sorry.
There are only two hours
before the funeral,
and I really need
some help here.
Two hours?
Mmm!
DANIEL: I got to shower.
SKIP: Hey, are you guys
getting dressed up?
Hey, hey, hey,
you guys.
Could one of you
please tell me
one nice thing
I can say about
your dead father?
He often called me
Andrea for no reason.
I was Barry.
Wait a minute.
What about...
Remember
Thanksgiving,
and that crazy lady
broke in the house?
LUCY: Oh, my God...
Yes, that woman
with the red hair.
Yep, yep,
and remember.
She took the,
the leg off a turkey
and started banging it
on the table,
and screaming
something about Easter?
That's... Easter.
That's right.
You remember
how cool Dad was?
He leapt over the table,
swept her off her feet,
and carried her
out the front door.
"He protected us."
What else?
Why don't you
read a passage
from Death of
a Salesman?
(LAUGHS)
I don't know any.
I do.
"Put up your hands.
Goddamn you!
"Put up your hands. Ha.
"What do you think you are,
better than everybody else?
"You don't know
everything!
"You don't know, you big
ignorant, stupid...
"Put... Put up
your goddamn hands!
"Put up your hands.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
"Attention must be paid.
"You ratted on us, Terry!
"You ratted on us."
SKIP: Shut up!
Hi, Katie.
Ryan.
How's your leg?
It's... You know...
Broken.
I'm sorry.
It's okay. Uh, here.
Here.
What's this?
That's the answer
to your question.
Uh, before you open it,
uh, can we maybe...
Like, go inside and talk?
Oh, it's...
It's kind of crazy in there.
Okay.
Do you wanna go
somewhere else?
Um...
(SIGHS) This is kind of
a bad time for me. I...
Could we maybe meet tomorrow
before I go back to school?
You didn't
want me to come
to the funeral?
No, no, I do.
I do want you to
come. I just...
It's kind of...
It's Grandpa,
and I'm just afraid
you'll be too much
of a distraction.
I get it. Okay.
That came out wrong.
I'm sorry.
No, no, no, no, no.
That came out perfect.
I don't know what you
want from me, Katie.
(SIGHS)
I'm gonna go.
DANIEL: Katie.
Katie.
What?
Katie.
(SIGHS) What?
Do you see
my cell phone?
KATE: No!
(BEEPING)
(GRUNTS)
I knew you'd kill
yourself if you missed
your husband's funeral.
(MUTTERING)
Of course they're
all gonna be there.
Okay, you're ready.
Mmm!
(FLATLINE BEEP)
Okay, here we go.
Yeah, I am hurrying.
Nurse.
Uh, I just have to get her
down to X-ray, stat.
I didn't order
any X-rays.
There.
And now...
(MIMICS DRUM ROLL)
Ta-da!
And for you,
a hat
and...
It's a look. Okay.
Let's run
some lights.
Touch him.
You.
Looks like he's
gonna say something.
"Could somebody please
scratch my nose?"
(BOTH LAUGHING)
We're gonna need
more gas.
I definitely don't want
to do this twice.
I'm just asking
everyone
to stop at my office
after this.
It's on the way
to the lake.
Sure.
Katie, I'm
just asking...
Did you invite
any of his coworkers?
Well... Your grandfather
was more of a family man.
So it's just us?
Well, where's
your grandmother?
You didn't hear?
Grandma...
What in the world
happened?
...are you okay?
(MUTTERING IN ANNOYANCE)
She said
she's fine.
(CONTINUES MUTTERING)
She's happy
to be here.
I don't know.
He looks different to me.
(SIGHS)
It's hard to picture him
without a twinkle in his eye.
He really loved you.
He did.
(SIGHS)
(MOUTHING) Something's
stuck to my tongue.
Nice touch.
(PARSON BANKE CLEARS THROAT)
Bye, Dad.
(ORGAN PLAYING SOFTLY)
Why
do people have to die?
(SIGHS)
(CRYING NOISILY)
I...
I'm sorry.
My uncle died recently.
He was really...
Really the one who...
Rai...
He raised me.
(SOBBING)
Jimmy. Jimmy.
Uncle Jimmy.
Jiminy Cricket.
(SOBBING NOISILY)
(PLAYING PIANO)
I am not in love
But I'm open to persuasion
East or west
Where's the best
For romancing?
With a friend
I can smile
But with a lover
I can hold my head back
And really laugh,
really laugh
(LAUGHING)
Thank you
This is bullshit.
No. I'm sorry.
Screw her.
Come on, Luce.
No, don't.
She has made a business
out of persecuting me,
and I'm supposed to sit here
at my father's funeral
and watch her fuck-sing
at Samantha?
Screw that.
(ALICE CONTINUES SINGING)
Jeez, Luce!
What is wrong
with this family?
Wow.
I hadn't heard Alice sing
since you were a baby.
She had a little trouble
with the high notes.
Is it too much to ask
that we bury my grandfather
with a little
honor and dignity?
I think it is,
sweetie, yeah.
LANCE: You all know
how I felt about Ed.
He was somebody
I considered to be
a very close
personal friend.
I have here
his last will and testament.
He leaves his house
at 132 Rolling Drive
to his beloved wife,
Charlotte.
He leaves $1,000 cash
to Kate for expenses.
He also left
a videotape
that he instructed me
to play for you.
What about
his money?
Uh, he had no other assets.
I'm sorry.
You're sorry?
Hello, everybody.
Surprise!
(SIGHS)
(LAUGHING)
Before I leave,
I just want to say goodbye
and say a few
other things as well.
First,
I'm not a salesman.
Hell, I couldn't sell
nose plugs to a proctologist.
I never did a day's work
in my life.
I never knew
how to do anything,
except a little
acting maybe.
That's where my Danny boy
got it from.
There's something stuck
to my tongue, too.
Of course, Jerry was the one
with the film career.
What I'm trying
to tell you is...
There were three of you.
He always
forgets me.
One in Rhode Island,
one in Mexico,
and one in South Carolina.
(LAUGHING)
If you think raising three
families is a lot of work,
you try doing it
without letting them
find out about each other.
Oh, that's a killer.
Talk about leaking money.
Oh, when I was 20,
I inherited millions,
and now I'm up
to my prostate in debt.
(LAUGHING)
It was a crazy life,
but I loved it
because I love
my three wonderful wives
and my nine precious...
LANCE ON VIDEO: 11.
11?
(LAUGHING)
Eleven children? My God.
No wonder I couldn't get
your names straight.
Anyway, I've had
a great life.
(MUFFLED SCREAM)
A full life.
Three full lives.
You should all be
so lucky.
Katie Collins,
I'd like you to find
my other two families
and inform them
of their loss.
(MUFFLED GRUNTING)
Remember, I was just as
big a part of their families
as I was of yours.
If I've learned anything,
it's to be true to yourself.
Look it.
He clocked them.
All the way
from the grave.
All this time, I thought
you were his favorite.
Well, I mean, you were
his favorite one of us.
But we could have been
his second-favorite family.
I left something
in the...
We could have been
his third.
Congratulations
on the thousand bucks.
Thanks.
What makes you think
they know what
they're doing?
This is actually the kind
of stuff they're good at.
Maybe we should watch
from over there.
Yeah.
(COUGHS)
I never knew.
None of us did.
No. I mean,
I knew your family
was, you know...
A little...
But I had no idea.
You know, Sam,
I think
I'll catch up
with you later.
I'm gonna have a word
with my brother there.
Okay.
Dad, a little
assistance.
Listen, guys...
My pop never told me...
He never told me...
How much he...
Don't.
What?
You were gonna
say the "L" word.
I just want you
to know...
Dad, we know
how you feel.
Don't cheapen it with words.
I don't want to
be like him.
So leave us
better instructions.
Now, could you push?
I love you, guys.
Dad!
Dad!
I know. It felt weird,
but I did it.
The fuse!
Oh, great.
No worries.
We came prepared.
Oh, great.
(INHALING DEEPLY)
Hey, do you remember
Harry Barnes?
Don't give me crap
about that.
No, no, no...
I'm not in the mood.
I don't want to...
I'm not giving you
crap about it.
You remember him,
right?
How could I forget him?
He tortured you.
No, I know.
"Hey, here comes
peanut butter boy..."
Or crunchy-munchy face
or roasted-toasted...
Yeah, I know.
I just... I wanted...
Well, what?
I just wanted
to thank you.
I just want to
thank you for that.
Thank you for
looking after us,
protecting us.
Really.
He had a glass jaw.
(LAUGHING)
What? He did.
Glass jaw.
He did.
You clobbered
that kid.
No.
No, no, no.
Yes. You had
an unbelievable
right hand, Alice.
Alice, please.
You dropped
that boy.
You did. You...
(LAUGHING)
Ow. That...
Ow!
I hope
you hurt yourself.
That really hurt.
I can't remem...
When was
the last time
that the two of us just
hung out like this?
I can't remember.
I feel like...
Are we forgetting something?
No.
My glasses,
my things.
One joint.
Funeral.
Dad.
Fuck!
Lucy...
I think you owe your sister
a big apology.
I don't have
a sister.
Did we miss
anything?
There's nothing
left to say.
He ended it all.
Well, let me see
what you got here.
You want a Twizzler?
You sure?
Mmm-hmm.
I can remember the day
that you were born.
I can. I remember
the doctor coming in
and saying,
"It's a girl."
I thought, "Finally,
a baby sister.
I'm gonna have a friend
for the rest of my life."
Friend?
You've been making me
feel bad about myself
for the past 15 years.
I know.
It wasn't about you.
Oh, I was there.
It was all about me.
Well, maybe I thought
I was helping you.
Maybe you
didn't think.
All right.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Lucy.
I'm so sorry.
For what?
For not being
there for you,
for not being
on your side.
That's...
I wasn't on your side.
Yeah. Well... (SOBS)
Dad?
You ready,
sweetie?
No.
There's a lot
of good stuff here.
You know, just maybe
skip the part
about him being
a salesman, you know.
You ready?
No.
Uh, everybody.
Can we gather?
Katie's going to honor
what's left of our father
with a eulogy.
Dad, lighter.
Be careful, guys.
I love this lighter.
We don't have
a bagpipe player.
We know
the words.
(TWINS IMITATING BAGPIPES)
How many laws you suppose
we're breaking here?
Yeah, I should be
preparing a defense.
Um... We have gathered
here today
to honor my, uh,
grandfather, Edmund Collins.
Shut it.
(TWINS STOP)
Edmund was more
than just a great father.
He was a great... Guy.
Use your aim, guys.
Grandpa had
the playful habit
of showering us with
unusual nicknames.
Grandpa protected us
while he was off...
(BOTH LAUGH)
And even though
he wasn't always around,
let's face it,
more than anything,
my grandfather was
a family man.
(ALICE LAUGHING)
Sorry.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Move me over there.
Ha, ha, ha.
What's so funny?
Your father's dead.
Maybe he wasn't the man
we all thought he was,
but he's the reason
we're all here.
So... Go ahead and laugh.
He made me laugh.
Just remember,
this is the last
chance you have
to say goodbye
to your father.
Katie, I gave you
a job to do.
Get over here.
And just speak
from your heart.
All right, Katie.
"Did you really
leave me again?
"After all the seasons
I spent waiting,
"watching
out the window,
"listening at the door,
"waiting for the news
of your return,
"for the news
that you realized
"that someone important
was waiting for you?
"A whole lifetime
I've been waiting.
"I can't believe
you're not coming back.
"I can't believe
I'm supposed
to stop waiting.
"I can't believe
you left me again."
Grandpa didn't leave
because of you.
It was because of you
that he kept coming back.
I hope you all
realize that.
(SNIFFLES)
SKIP: Nice.
Papa was a rolling stone
Wherever he laid his hat
was his home
And when he died
All he left...
So, after it stopped
raining Grandpa,
I caught a ride here.
(SNIFFLING)
I'm so honored
and touched.
Thank you for
sharing that with me.
I'm sorry.
I had no idea.
No wonder Edmund
was gone so often.
It's hard to believe.
It really is.
Poor Barbara.
What do you mean?
I don't know
what to say.
You're not Barbara?
Edmund was the best
neighbor I ever had.
(SOBBING)
How'd it go?
Oh...
Pretty well, I guess.
I was starting to think
maybe you ducked out
the back on me or something.
(LAUGHING)
Wait. Stop the car
for a second.
I'll explain
on the way.
"This tape will explain
what this note cannot."
(GUNSHOTS)
"Vag... In...
A... Town."
What's a vag?
(APPLAUSE)
ALICE: So, I think
that brings us to the toasts,
and I think we should
toast my sister
and my new sister-in-law.
So I think the lovely
and articulate Simon
will do the honors, right?
SKIP: Big Skip.
Big Skip.
Well, come and prove it.
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you. Thank you.
Well, here they are.
We're here for these
two lovely ladies
on this momentous occasion.
And we're all
happy for them.
Oh. Oh, I have a perfect joke
for tonight. Yes, I do.
It's not dirty.
It's not a dirty joke!
It's not a dirty joke.
Just let people have...
It's a simple joke.
These two gym teachers
walk into a hardware store...
That's it.
All right.
(FEEDBACK)
Hey. You don't know me.
I don't know you.
KATE: Twice in my life,
I've had to deliver bad news
to someone I'd never met.
Hey...
The first time
involved a cat
that ran out in the middle
of my driver's test.
This time was
a bit trickier.
Hey...
Are you waiting
for me to
say something?
No.
Okay.
I don't know
where to start.
Well, why don't
you start from
the beginning?
Okay. Okay. Um...
(PHONE RINGING)
(LOUD POP MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello.
What?
Grandma.
Turn that down!
Grandma, what's the matter?
KATE: All of my life,
my grandfather told me,
never pick up the phone
on the first ring.
What?
And now he was dead.
What? What happened?
I was the first one
my grandmother called.
I waited until
I could see straight
before I broke the news
to my dad.
You may remember
him as the Spiffy
Peanut Butter kid.
My dad's the one
with the spoon in his mouth.
What is it, son?
Something is stuck
to my tongue.
(ALL LAUGHING)
KATE: Must be weird to have
your career peak at 8.
Now, he works mostly
in obscure foreign films.
DIRECTOR: ...removing
her clothes, he's
massaging her breasts.
Let me see that
in your eyes.
Maybe you're
gonna get caught.
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
They're not supposed
to be doing that.
(RINGING CONTINUES)
Could we just
cut, please?
Don't answer that.
Hello.
DIRECTOR: Look sexy.
Oh, hey, sweetie.
Smoky eyes...
What?
That's it.
Touch yourself.
Keep goin'.
That's good.
That's it.
No, I'll call them.
I'll call them.
Dearest Judge...
Excuse me?
My client...
(WHISPERS) Name?
Oh, it's, uh... Lace.
Miss Lace
was engaged
in a consensual
servicing
of an entrapable
member.
Are you an attorney?
(LAUGHS) Touch,
Your Highness.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Talk to me.
Counselor.
What?
Whoa.
Okay, now put
the eggs down
without breaking them
and without using your hands.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Come on, guys,
we're...
What's he doing?
Watch.
We don't have
time for this,
guys, all right?
Ugh, no good
can come of this.
Nice. Can we go now?
Do a shoulder stand.
Guys, come on.
We've got
this funeral.
Grandpa's not
going anywhere.
Get in the car.
Get the bowl
onto the table
without spilling.
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Ugh...
This is why
your mother left us.
She was a hack.
I've seen better
moms on TV.
I know.
I don't even know
why we're going.
I mean,
he was your dad.
Maybe he left
you something.
He probably
left it all to wifey.
Nana.
I know.
He picked
the perfect time
for this one,
didn't he? Huh?
Huh, Burt?
You know, it's two weeks
before his birthday.
The one day that was
more important to him
than his goddamn job,
and now he's managed
to fuck this up, too.
Sorry.
(SIGHS)
Nice work, Pop.
Is everybody coming?
Yeah. The asylum
will be full.
I can't believe Grandpa's
not gonna be there.
I know, sweetie.
(BEEP)
You're doing
the right thing.
You're fully
experiencing the loss.
And when you're
ready, take a
deep breath in...
(INHALES DEEPLY)
...like that.
Try to really
maximize the feeling.
Feel it
really intensely.
And then
as you exhale...
(EXHALES)
(BEEPS)
...just try
to let those
feelings go, okay?
He just died.
Yeah.
(BEEPS)
I know.
But, believe me,
it's the way
your grandfather
would have wanted it.
To be dead?
Ugh.
Oh, where can she be?
Where's my little
tubby turtle?
I'm not a turtle.
I'm Katie.
EDMUND: Well,
I'm looking for someone
to help me eat...
I will, Pom-Pom.
...a hot-fudge sundae.
You okay?
Come on. Let's go find
your grandmother.
I don't see why
you'd wanna wait.
(DOOR OPENS)
They have
a right to know.
No, it's my
decision now.
Fair enough.
DANIEL: Hello? Mom?
You have an appointment
with the parson tomorrow.
I don't think so.
DANIEL: There she is.
Danny boy.
Hey, Lance.
Good to see
you, son.
Grandma.
Oh, baby.
Oh...
You know what?
He loved you
and your daddy
more than anybody else
in the family.
I know that's
not true, but thanks.
No, really!
He couldn't even
remember the names
of his other
two children.
Three children.
Oh. Always thinking
of others.
Hey, Mom.
ALICE: Burt, do I have
to grab everything?
Well, I have to go.
Are you sure
you're okay?
I feel as if I finally
have a chance
to do something
with my life.
Good.
Ahhh! Sorry.
Alice.
Glad to see you.
Lance. Katie,
Katie, Katie.
Oh, Alice.
What are we gonna do?
(EXHALES)
I think I'll just
take my old room,
and then... Danny.
Hey, Alice.
Hi.
Oh, I was just waiting
to see you on television, huh?
Well, you may not
have to wait very long.
I actually...
Right. I'm just...
Mother...
God! I'm trying
to get to the sorrow.
I really am,
but I still feel
so angry.
I mean, I want
to just grab him
and shake him
and say,
"How dare you?
"How dare you
go out that back door
"with your little
suitcase?
"I mean, where
in God's name are
you going this time?"
(SOBS)
I'm okay, though.
I'm okay. I'm sorry.
Oh! I've never heard
you say that word.
Well, we don't
have to make a talk show
out of it, do we?
Burt!
Don't tarry.
Don't tarry.
Hi, Burt.
Hi, kids.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, Burt.
Look, we've had
a very difficult trip.
So, we should
probably just consider
what everybody
wants to eat,
and that way, we can
just make one dish
that suits the group...
KATE: Alice and
her husband Burt
had managed
to produce three
silent children.
My tribe only
eats bread and
American cheese
in various forms,
so, I mean...
I could make
this dish I think
everybody might enjoy.
This little
casserole that
I like to make.
I'm sort of
famous around my
house for making it.
Have you said hello
to your grandmother?
Let me take a look
at you three.
Stop looking like
she's gonna bite you.
She's not
gonna bite you.
Stop it. Stop
feigning those
fake little twitches
that you're doing.
We've talked...
KATE: My grandmother
always said
she wished Alice
came with a mute button.
ALICE: If you think
it's any better at any
of your friends' houses,
if you think it's any
better at their house,
you can just
pack your bags and
move in with them.
(MUTED)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Ah, that's better.
All right, treat
everybody with
respect, okay?
Let's try not to be
the biggest freaks
in the circus.
What the hell is that
supposed to mean?
He wants us to say,
"No, thank you,"
instead of,
"Eat my ass Jell-o."
Hey, stop it.
All right?
Stop it,
for Christ's sakes.
Where do you guys
learn that shit?
Mom...
Sorry about Dad.
Yeah... Mmm...
You remember
the boys?
How could I forget them?
Hey, G.
So, what did
he leave us?
Your grandfather's will
won't be read
until after the funeral.
Talk about
being early.
Seriously, man.
God, dude.
You always hit me first.
He pushed me.
DANIEL: Hey, Skipper.
Hey.
ALICE: Oh, why do
terrible things always
come in threes?
I see Alice is
already rifling
through the drawers.
No, I'm looking
for ingredients.
I'm going to make us
all dinner tonight.
Hmm.
Hey, Uncle Skip.
Hey. Hi.
Hey, boys.
Hi, Katie.
KATE: Uncle Skip
and the twins
were a little heavy
with hormones,
but they were
at those ages.
I used to have
an Aunt Lily, too,
but they scared her away.
Family legend
says that it was
the night before
their eleventh birthday.
What the hell
is that?
It's your
birthday cake.
I was hoping
it would be
a surprise.
I'm more
than surprised.
I'm shocked!
This isn't
what we ordered.
You don't order
your mother.
I spent two days
making...
We ordered
an erotic
cheesecake.
Excuse me?
(WHISPERS)
You're excused.
We'll fix it.
(GASPS) Oh, no.
(LILY SOBBING)
Oh... What?
What?
(LILY SOBBING)
They ruined it.
They ruined it.
Well, it's their
birthday, right?
Where did they
even hear the term,
"erotic cheesecake"?
Hey, somebody's
gotta teach them
these things, right?
What "things"?
That, that you can
make a cheesecake
look like
disembodied breasts?
Or an ass.
Katie, sweetheart,
I want you
to eulogize
your grandfather.
Oh, Grandma,
I don't think
I can make a speech.
I wouldn't know
what to say.
If it were me,
I would want you
to say something
that made some
sense out of my life.
Something
that honored me.
Hey, what about Dad?
Or, um,
Skip or Lucy?
Your grandfather
wanted you.
And you boys
are going to
have to help
with the burial.
Your father
left very
specific instructions.
(DOOR OPENS)
Okay.
Hi, everybody.
Hey, ladies.
You remember Skip?
Yeah.
And these are
his two boys,
Tim and Jim?
Yeah, close enough.
Hi, guys.
I'm, uh...
Lucy's life
partner, Judy.
BOTH: Lesbians.
I really can't
believe you
brought her.
Hello, Alice.
ALICE: No, it's just
I thought you'd
come alone. It's family.
Are you starting
already?
Oh, no, no, no.
It just, it didn't
occur to me
to bring my sex toys.
Did you bring any sex toys?
You wouldn't
know a sex toy
if it left a battery
in your vagina.
Oh! My vagina,
as you were
so whimsically
about to refer to it,
has served
as sacred passage
for three anatomically
correct children.
So...
Bad image.
Erase, erase.
So, who needs a drink?
Let's drink.
KATE: My family
still observes
the cocktail hour
with a vengeance.
This isn't
about you, so...
Are you talking
to the sex toy?
I'm sure you're
a very nice... Lesbian.
Is that the
preferred term?
No! No, we
prefer "whore."
I think all women do
these days.
Well...
I guess I owe you
an apology.
Are you working
up to it?
So...
What do you girls do?
What do you mean,
"What do we do"?
For fun?
Eat out,
go to the movies.
Oh, normal stuff.
Drinks.
I...
Ladies.
Thank you.
Thank you.
What did you
think we did?
No, I, I didn't have a...
I wasn't thinking
of something,
and I just... (STAMMERING)
I don't know
what you do.
Do you think
we spend all night
triple-tonguing
our G-spots?
(EXCLAIMS)
It's my
father's funeral,
so if you
could muster up
just a little bit
of respect,
that would be...
Don't worry. You know,
don't worry about Alice.
You think she's gone,
she comes back,
you know, like herpes.
Thanks, Skip.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Yeah.
So, how are you
and Lucy doing?
Well, I mean...
This is just awful.
I know. I hate being
around my family, too.
Oh.
Yeah. But, I mean,
I mean...
How are you doing...
You know...
Physically?
Physically?
Well, yeah.
I mean, like you said...
What is it?
Triple-tonguing.
What is that?
Is that a thing...
What are you doing?
Go talk to
your mother.
You talk to her, all right?
She's a downer.
She's a widow.
She was
a downer first.
Just go talk
to your mother.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Excuse me.
Okay.
(SIGHS)
Do you need a punch?
Do you want me
to punch you?
You have
real problems.
You don't do that.
You don't throw
a lemon at me
in front of a lesbian.
Nice goin'.
DANIEL: Me nice going?
"The triple-tongue thing"?
SKIP: Yeah, you.
Hi.
My, my dad died
when I was 11.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I don't know
why I said that.
What size are you?
Me?
Come upstairs.
This is the dress
I wore on the
boardwalk in 1956.
It's... It's so elegant.
It's yours.
I wore it once.
It was a great night.
Maybe the best
night of my life.
It's a lucky dress.
I couldn't.
Oh, please!
Take them all.
I know we haven't spent
that much time together,
but I already know
I like you better
than I like Alice.
(LAUGHS)
And besides,
Katie and Lucy
aren't my size.
Thank you.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(CHUCKLES)
(STAMMERS)
It's a little bit
runnier than usual.
Think I just, I just
didn't quite move it,
or put enough
cheese in it.
This looks like
it fell out of a horse.
Thanks, but
I already had my mucus
course for the day.
Listen, you shut
your spit cave,
you foul-mouthed
little shit-fucker
before I beat
the living snot
out of you.
I'm going down to Doc's
to pick up some lobster,
if anyone wants in?
Yes, please.
(ALL AGREEING)
It's a good idea.
Yeah, it's a good idea.
Get some big ones
with the big meaty claws.
Big meaty claws.
As a side dish,
it's fine.
Well...
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
God, it's so good
to get out of there.
Katie, it's good
to see you.
Oh, Luce, I'm so sorry.
Yeah. Well, it's okay.
Nobody else
in the family
seems to
give a crap.
Yeah, I've noticed.
So, you coming?
Where?
To the wedding.
What wedding?
Isn't that what
you're sorry for?
I'm sorry
about Grandpa.
Oh, Katie,
nobody blames you.
Two for dinner?
No. I called in
an order for Collins.
Oh, let me check
on that for you.
What wedding?
Judy and I are
getting married.
Really?
Vows and everything.
Congratulations.
I sent you
an invitation.
No, you didn't.
It's okay.
Everybody in the family
is pretending
they didn't get it.
I didn't get one.
I, I distinctly
remember weeding
the family invites
out early. No.
I, I went to the...
I put them...
Wait.
I mailed them.
I know...
(GASPS)
I am such a bonehead!
Stupid! Stupid!
Stupid! Oh!
Well, here you go.
What are you
doing down there?
(WHISPERS)
It's Ryan.
Little Ryan
from the be... Ahhh!
(WHISPERS) What
are you doing?
He could hear you!
Hi.
KATE: Little Ryan.
My childhood friend.
Since before
I can remember,
we spent
our summers together.
(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)
He always acted like
he had a crush on me,
and I always acted
like I didn't notice.
It seemed like nothing could
ever come between us...
Until the last night
of last summer.
Even the ushers
who threw us out
couldn't pull us apart.
His parents were off
camping somewhere
with his little brother,
and everything
was perfect.
The flicker of
the candlelight,
the gentle dancing
of the rain on the roof,
the familiar sound
of a car door slamming.
(CAR DOOR SLAMS)
(GASPS)
Katie, Katie. Katie!
KATE: I never
meant for anything
to happen between us.
I couldn't let
there be any witnesses.
I can heat up some lasagna
if you boys are hungry.
Oh, hi... Katie.
Nice to see you again.
Let's hear it.
No, no, no.
Come on, do it.
No.
One last time.
Okay.
This one's for Dad.
Something is stuck
to my tongue.
Oh! There it is.
(LAUGHING)
Wow.
If I ever...
Single bullet.
To my left eye.
This is a good time.
How can this
be a good time?
Your dad just died.
My family could use
a little good news.
Trust me.
Hey, everyone,
I have an announcement
to make.
We sent out
some invitations...
Or, at least,
I thought we did,
and I was actually
getting pretty angry
at all of you.
I suspected
some sort of con...
Ah!
Anyway, myself
and Judy...
"Judy and I."
Judy and I
would like to...
(SNICKERS)
What is it, Fred?
It's Ted.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
LUCY: What are you
laughing at?
I don't know.
But I can't wait
to find out
what you two vageniuses
are up to.
What did you
just say?
Nice vocab word.
What did he
just call us?
Vageniuses.
It's a compound
compliment.
You see what
I put up with?
How can you tell me
not to scream
my fucking head off?
JUDY: You're losing it.
LUCY: No!
These are the
people that you want
at our wedding?
Oh, is one of you
getting married?
We both are.
To who?
To each other.
(LAUGHING)
Awesome!
How many friends
can we bring?
(ALICE CONTINUES LAUGHING)
Oh, this is so rich.
Alice...
KATE: I think
it's great.
Very great.
Congratulations,
really.
Thank you.
So, uh, where's
the wedding happening?
In a dream?
No, Alice.
In a town hall.
Oh.
Look, I just think
it's sad, all right?
Two women pretending
to be married.
I pretended I was married
for 12 years.
And I think that
marriage is based
on commitment
and communication
and not necessarily
the presence of a penis.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
My children
are here, all right?
Watch your language.
What, are you worried
they're gonna repeat it?
Burt...
(STAMMERS)
Burt, do you hear
what's going on here?
(STAMMERING AND LAUGHING)
No, no, at least
Burt and me know
how we're supposed
to fit together.
"Burt and I."
Is that what this
is all about?
Is that what everyone
in this fucked-up family
needs to know?
How we go together?
Well... Well,
we often start by
gently kissing...
Oh, I am not doing this.
I said I am not
doing this.
FRED: Aw, come back!
Aunt Lucy was really
making her point.
So, Luce, since you're
having people perform,
you know,
fake ceremonies
and stuff,
why don't you
just have them
announce you queen
or president?
Mmm.
Shut it.
TWINS:
All right!
Okay.
Because, I mean,
there are programs...
Shut your goddamn mouth!
...who can just cast
a spell on you.
Whoa, here we go!
Make you less afraid
of male genitalia. Whoo!
Shut it!
Ooh, Lucy!
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!
When did you get
so much stronger
than me, huh?
Shut it.
Oh, I forgot.
You're not.
Ahh!
Table!
Wuss.
Oh, no.
(ALICE SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING)
Lucy...
Guys! Guys!
All right, that's
almost enough.
DANIEL: Stop it.
Are you guys kidding?
I love this family.
And you didn't
want to come.
KATE: One thing about
being in such a
theatrical family,
it's easy to lose track
of everything that's
happening offstage.
Grandma?
Grandma!
(GRANDMA SOBS)
Grandma!
(GRANDMA COUGHING)
Grandma,
are you okay?
GRANDMA:
I'm all right.
Open up the door.
Mom.
(COUGHING CONTINUES)
Grandma.
Clear. Clear!
What?
Ow!
What happened?
I said I'm all right.
What did you do?
I just slipped,
and I spilled
all this stuff.
Somebody please
get me a glass of water.
(INDISTINCT)
SKIP: Get her
a glass water.
BURT: Are you,
are you hurt?
Can you get up?
How did you
fall down?
She slipped.
Thank you all
so much.
Grandma, what
are you doing?
I knew it!
Mom!
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
(WOMAN CHATTERING ON PA)
(WHISPERS) Stop it.
Just stop it.
I am not
doing anything.
DOCTOR: Collins.
I'm Dr. Rice. We pumped
your mother's stomach.
Hi.
ALICE: It was
an accident.
How did she
accidentally chug
half a bottle
of sleeping pills?
She was cleaning
them up.
With her mouth?
We need to keep her
for the night,
but she's going
to be fine.
ALICE: She recently
lost her husband,
and she slipped,
Lucy?
and I think she
got confused with...
Little Lucy toothy,
is that you?
It's been so long.
Samantha, hi.
Alice.
How are you?
Great.
Just great.
When can we
take her home?
Well, like I said,
just overnight,
and then tomorrow
we'll sign her out
and you can
take her home.
Well, I think...
Could you keep her
for another day,
just to be safe?
Oh, my God.
Bite me.
(PHONE RINGING)
Skip.
Hey, sis.
Did they puke her?
All right,
I'll spread it.
All right, bye.
She unswallowed.
Oh, thank God.
Poor Grandma.
Yeah.
She just wants to be
the star of the funeral.
No, she doesn't.
Hey, Elvis killed himself
because someone
was gonna write a book
about his underwear wrestling.
(CHUCKLES) What?
What are you doing?
Grandma asked me
to speak at the funeral.
Oh. Nobody
asked me to speak.
Do you want to?
Because
I have no idea
what to say.
Just say...
(SIGHS)
He was away so much,
it was weird
to have him around.
I just want
to say something
beautiful and poetic.
Pop loved poetry.
He did?
Yeah.
All the ones
about Nantucket.
I think his favorite
was about
a little handicapped girl.
"There once was
a girl who was crippled,
"by the weight
of her overgrown nipple."
KATE: I needed to
talk to someone
who saw grandpa clearly.
(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING
ON STEREO)
(SINGING ALONG)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
KATE: Dad.
Dad, are you in there?
(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
(COUGHS)
(TURNS MUSIC DOWN)
Dad, the door is locked,
and I need to talk.
Katie?
Dad?
Fuck!
Coming.
Dad.
Coming!
Fuck! Fuck!
(GRUMBLES)
Dad.
Coming,
coming, sweetie.
God damn it!
Is that a joint?
Ah! (GROANING)
Dad?
Yes, boys?
So, uh, how's
that book going?
It's hot.
Can we help you
with anything?
Maybe, uh,
intern with you?
You can rub my feet
if you want.
That would
be nice.
Mom has that appointment
with the parson tomorrow.
Yeah, well, don't worry,
'cause I'm gonna spring her.
She was trying
to kill herself.
Yeah. It's
pretty common.
In fact,
after Scandinavians,
it's the over-70 crowd
that is the most suicidal.
Well, shouldn't we be
doing something
to help her?
No. Mmm-mmm.
'Cause, um, once people
have their mind made up,
there's, there's
really very little
that you could do
to stop 'em.
There's got to be
something we can do.
Do you remember
that game against Easton?
Oh, yeah. They were
a very tough team.
No, but do you
remember, uh...
Naomi in the hotel...
Oh, at the motel?
...with the oow-oow-oow?
Oow-oow-oow.
(LAUGHS)
Do you remember?
"Oh, look at how silly
and normal I can act
"when I'm not
persecuting my sister."
(MOCKING LAUGHTER)
How often
do you smoke?
You know...
Never in the morning.
Dad.
I know, I...
That was really lame.
I just...
I don't know what
I'm doing anymore.
You're mourning.
Yeah.
What?
You're mourning.
Yeah. Yes.
I think I am.
Yeah.
You'd think I'd be
over it by now.
Well, Dad,
it just happened.
No.
He's been dead
for years.
What?
If I just
would have gotten
that stupid
toothpaste commercial.
That was the moment.
I swear to God.
What are we
talking about?
I... I was the choice
for this toothpaste
campaign.
I was the guy,
and I just...
I could not
say the line.
I literally...
I couldn't say it.
You know,
"It's the breath
freshiest."
I just...
Okay. I can't believe
I just said that.
I have never been able
to say that before.
It's like
a tongue-twister for me.
"It's the breath
freshiest."
(LAUGHS)
Oh, my God!
Fuck.
Um, Dad,
are you okay?
Yeah. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's just...
I just feel sometimes
like I've spent
my whole life
in this waiting room
at an audition,
you know,
and they finally called
my fucking name,
and I just...
And then somebody else
stood up, you know,
and they got my role,
and they've been
living my life,
and I'm just groping.
I've just been
stumbling around
in the dark
ever since then.
(SIGHS)
Your mom knew.
Your mom knew.
She always said,
"We have to get out
of acting, Daniel."
Mom was an actress?
No.
You just said, "We have to
get out of acting."
No. I must have
misspelled something.
What?
What?
You told me Mom
was a social worker
who died
of caring too much.
(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
I said she...
What did I say she did?
(LAUGHING)
Dad, did you lie to me?
No, no, no, no.
No?
No. I... No.
I probably was just, uh,
protecting you.
So, Mom was an actress?
Well...
Is there anything
I could see her in?
No.
No?
No.
Well...
(GROANS)
What kind of movies
did Mom make, Dad?
Honestly, it's
not that bad.
She never used
her real name.
Do you have any, um...
Do you have any
Cookie Tushala movies?
I'll check, but we're
probably all out.
Is that
Katie Collins?
Hi.
Hi, Katie.
I haven't seen you
since you were
at the house with...
You're in luck.
And this one's
possibly her best,
just for its utter
lack of story.
We heard about
your grandfather.
Oh, yes. We didn't
know him very well,
but we're very sorry.
Oh, thanks so much.
Yeah,
that'll be $3.50.
(VIDEO CLATTERING)
Does Ryan know
you're here?
Oh. Wait till he hears
who we saw renting...
Vagina Town.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Thanks.
It's a classic.
(CHUCKLES)
How would I know?
Be careful
what you wish for.
(GUNSHOTS)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
MAN ON VIDEO:
Uh, howdy, ma'am.
FRED: Coming.
I just rode into town
from a long ride
on the trail.
We didn't see this town
on any of our
trail maps, ma'am.
Hey, dudes.
I'm looking for Katie.
Hi.
TED: She's here
somewhere.
Cousin Katie!
WOMAN ON VIDEO:
This is a town
unlike any other town.
MAN:
Yes, ma'am.
This is a very unusual town
you have here.
WOMAN:
I hope you boys
know how to
ride bareback.
(MAN UNZIPPING ON VIDEO)
Holy Jesus!
His penis!
KATE: Most people
don't even like
to think of their parents
having sex with each other,
much less
multiple bad actors.
I had to do something.
FRED: Hey,
I was watching that!
ALICE: Morning.
KATE: Morning.
Coffee?
No.
Other families have
these sort of problems,
but they don't talk
about them, all right?
I mean, I'm sorry.
I live in the real world.
I work hard at raising
a decent family.
Ugh!
You don't see me
prancing around in
my pajamas all day,
starting up pillow fights
with my topless girlfriend.
What are we
talking about?
It won't work.
Everyone knows
that the only gay
relationships that last
are between people
of the same height.
Did you and Lucy
ever get along?
Well, I guess.
Well, when your grandfather
was around, of course.
He kept the peace?
Uh, no, no, no.
He just kept us
on eggshells.
He had us all
so desperate
for his approval.
Well, look
at your father.
He made a career
out of it.
Morning.
Morning, Dad.
Morning, Danny.
Morning, everyone.
DANIEL: Everybody
sleep okay?
ALICE: Never.
KATE: I did.
DANIEL: Hey,
did we have a blackout
last night?
That's what I heard.
Yeah, we sure did.
I couldn't even
find my room...
What?
You found
my room all right.
It was dark.
So you hid
in my closet?
With your kids?
We were lost.
Um, hey, you guys,
listen to this.
Tell me
how it sounds.
"Grandpa made us aware
that there is
"a whole world
of opportunity out there."
He did?
Who are we
talking about?
Grandpa.
Oh.
Tell her about
the time that, uh,
Dad built us
that swing.
That was Carl,
the neighbor.
Mr. Grabby.
Mr. Grabby
built the swing?
Mmm. Oh,
he was so creepy.
He'd put his hand
on your shoulder
and announce, "You're it."
Then he wouldn't
run away.
He wouldn't even
take his hand away.
Right.
Um, hi, you guys.
Um, there was
a lot of paperwork,
and I had to
pull some strings
and sign
a lot of names,
but she's back.
KATE: Grandma.
SKIP: There she is.
Hi, Mother.
DANIEL: Hey, Mom.
Try it again,
I'll kill you myself.
Alice.
Well, I have to get
back to work, so... Bye.
Thanks, Sam.
What happened, Grandma?
(LAUGHS)
Nothing happened.
I was just
a little confused.
About what?
Well, I thought the vows
we took were forever.
KATE: They were.
It's just that
your forever
was longer than
Grandpa's forever.
Hi, everybody.
ALL: Hey, Ryan.
Katie.
Hey, Ryan.
How are you?
Good. Um...
I'm sorry about
your grandfather.
Hey. You know...
He died. (LAUGHS)
Yeah. Um...
You know, it's...
You can't, uh...
You want to, like,
go for a walk or...
So...
So...
Still driving a taxi?
Yeah. Yep.
To save up money
for college.
Are you mad at me?
No.
Really?
Really. I mean it.
You're a great kid.
Um... Thanks, Coach.
No, I just...
I just think that...
What happened
last summer was...
What? What happened?
At your house.
After the movie.
Oh, you don't mean
that time when
you attacked me
at the movie theater,
and then you came
over to my place
and took all
your clothes off
and then ran out without
saying goodbye.
Is that what you're
talking about?
Katie.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Salmon.
Salmon who?
Salmonella.
What are you doing?
Science experiment.
How many eggs does it
take to make them
say something?
Speak,
young cousins.
Burt, you see
what's going on here?
Burt.
Oh. Uh...
(CHUCKLES)
(EGG CRACKS)
What has Alice done
to all of you?
Now, this is
my favorite.
Cherry,
inlaid olive,
and real brass
fittings.
At just $32,000,
it's quite a steal.
Just $32,000?
How much does it cost
to stick him in
a garbage bag?
Mother!
What does he care?
Mom,
it's just
unbelievably disrespectful.
This isn't even
going in the ground.
What?
What do you mean?
Dad wanted us
to float him out
in a flaming boat.
I'm not sure
that's legal.
(SIGHS) Great.
Well, my kids are not
staying for that.
Why doesn't he
want to be buried?
I don't want
to be buried.
No. This is not
about you.
I hate bugs.
Yeah, I have to admit,
I don't exactly get
the whole cemetery
thing myself.
A cemetery is like
an old-age home
for the dead,
a place where you can
visit your loved ones
without the bother
of daily care
and maintenance.
Daily care?
Oh, you'd be
surprised.
(DOOR OPENS)
Ah, Parson Banke.
Sad business.
Sad business.
This is the surviving
Collins family.
I'm Alice Collins.
Hi. I'm Daniel.
Daniel. Hi.
Hi.
They're mourning the loss
of their beloved Edmund.
Ah. Ah.
I didn't know Edmund
as well as I should have.
Perhaps if we
had ever met.
Katie.
Katie. Katie.
Katie, Katie, Katie,
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I don't want anything
that may or may not have
happened between us
to affect
our friendship.
You mean that?
Yeah.
I don't have
any friends like you.
So we'll be friends?
Yeah.
Always were. Right?
Thank you.
Well, I don't know
why everything has to be
such a production
with this family.
We didn't need
to buy one.
The basement's
loaded with boxes.
You don't bring
your own, Mom.
But we did buy one.
We bought a box.
So, it's over.
Looked more like
a shipping crate, but...
Your father would
have wanted a bag.
Look, could we just
try to act normal
for the next two days?
Would that be possible?
Does that include you,
or are you just telling
everybody else what to do?
Look, don't cast me
in the role
of crazed control freak,
all right?
Stop auditioning for it.
I just wanted to put
my dead father
in a nice box.
You want to put
everyone in a box.
The ineffectual
mother box,
the struggling
actor box.
People put
themselves
in boxes.
I just label them.
Like the rebellious,
teenage lesbian box
that you're still
stuck in at 35.
Stop it.
Stop it!
Ladies.
Don't start your shit
with me, little sis!
I'm warning you...
(SHOUTING)
Something is stuck
to my tongue!
Try not to worry
so much.
Everything is
gonna work out
for you kids.
And always remember
to brush before bed.
(SCREAMING)
(GROANS)
Uh, guys...
(WOMAN CHATTERING ON PA)
So, that was
really lucky.
You guys were
right there, hmm?
Yeah. Um...
That was lucky.
Yeah.
Um, you guys...
Sam.
Is she gonna
be all right?
Um, she's...
She's gonna be fine.
She snapped
a few bones,
mostly shoulder
and face,
a couple of ribs.
But they slapped
her in a halfie.
Oh, well,
that's good, right?
Can we see her?
Not until she hardens,
and, you know,
even then, it might
not be, um, a great idea.
She might want
to be left alone,
because usually people
are kind of embarrassed
after an accident
like that.
It wasn't
an accident.
Well, it is
what it is.
So, um, why don't
you guys, uh, go home,
and then I'll...
I'll give you
an update
when I get
off of work.
I'm sorry, you had to see
my grandma like that.
I've never seen
anyone like that.
(LAUGHS)
(SOBS)
Hey.
You okay?
Oh, yeah.
This weekend just
keeps getting
better and better.
Your grandmother's
gonna be fine, okay?
And your grandfather...
He's, um...
(CHUCKLING)
I'm sorry.
I still have to
think of something
to say about him that's
nicer than,
"He wasn't a freak
like the rest of you."
You could talk about
how his eyes
would light up
when he saw you.
Or how they'd narrow
when he saw me.
(LAUGHS)
Feel a little better?
Did she say anything
before she jumped?
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
BOTH: "Brush your teeth."
Oral hygiene freak.
(ALL LAUGHING)
LUCY: Shh!
I heard something.
Malice.
Yeah, what ever
happened to Alice?
Yeah. Who dumped her
in the bitch tank?
(ALL LAUGHING)
She wasn't like this
when we were kids.
JUDY: (STAMMERING)
Wait a second.
We're talking
about Alice here?
Yeah. Alice was fun
and mischievous.
We're talking about
your sister Alice?
Yeah.
(LUCY LAUGHING)
What happened?
You know how some women
respond to motherhood?
Some don't.
(LAUGHING)
(DOOR CREAKS)
LUCY: It's Kate.
What are you guys
doing down here?
Just sitting and...
Smoking pot again?
(LAUGHING)
That's what
we're doing.
Your family's
a weed-head.
LUCY: Remember,
remember the crew cuts
in high school?
You and Alice
fought the dress
code there.
SKIP: She was cool.
Remember when
she used to sing?
Remember that?
My Aunt Alice?
Alice and Blue.
Yeah, whatever
happened to
Alice and Blue?
Whatever happened
to any of us, really?
What happened
to us? I mean,
what's gonna happen?
We're gonna close
our eyes, and then
we're gonna
open up, and we're all
gonna be on a big
flaming rowboat.
Dead on a boat.
(LAUGHING)
Yeah, how are
we supposed to do
that, by the way?
Do what?
Mom said that
Dad wants us to
put him in his
little rowboat.
(SNICKERING)
I'm not kidding.
I'm not kidding here.
And light it on fire.
And launch him
out to sea.
Like the Vikings.
Hmm. And you
listened to her?
Good thing he didn't
want us to eat him.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hey, my boys will help,
when we do that.
That's comforting.
When I die,
I want to be cremated.
Oh, me, too.
Yeah, me, too.
I want you
to take my ashes,
and I want you
to mix them
with the ink that
the government uses
to print money.
(LAUGHING)
Yes. And then...
And then
I'll be everywhere.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
ALICE: So, this is
how you choose to
spend the time,
while mother
is hardening in the hospital?
That's cool.
Emotion denied.
Hey, give me
that joint.
Give me the joint.
JUDY: Uh-oh.
She's adding
ingredients to
her personality.
You know, um, now
might be
a good time for
you to get stories.
About you grandfather.
You know what I would say
if he was here?
Right now? I'll tell you
what I'd say if he was here.
Say, "Hey, Dad.
You got another son.
"You got
another kid.
"There's two of us,
all right?
"Don't you remember?
Don't you remember
the Skipper?"
(MIMICS EDMUND)
"Oh, no, no.
"That's my boy.
That's my...
That's my Danny boy.
"He's my boy,
my Danny boy."
Well, what about me?
What about...
Look what I can do.
Huh? Look what I stuck
to my face, Dad.
Huh? Can I be your boy?
Can I be your boy?
I'm right
in front of you!
This is good shit.
Oh, yeah.
You know, that's
a great example
for your daughter.
I'm not here.
Uh, nice to see you all.
She said
she wasn't here, but
she was here.
I don't know if your,
uh, grandparents
ever told you,
but I used to go up
there and hang out
when you
weren't around,
till your grandfather
hit me with a rock.
You coming?
Yeah.
He said he thought
I was a crow.
I was not his
favorite person.
(SIGHS)
What am I gonna
say about him?
What would you want
people to say about you?
What could you
say about me?
What would
I say about you?
We had a...
A dress code
in high school.
We had to
wear skirts,
blouses,
little vests.
And Alice talked
a bunch of girls,
maybe 20,
into protesting it.
So, they come
to school,
and they're wearing
jeans and hot pants...
The headmaster lost it.
He suspended them,
so next week...
Next week?
What's next week?
Sweetie... (LAUGHING)
You were
telling a story.
Yeah, you were
telling a story.
Alice and
the dress code.
Oh, God.
We had a dress code
in high school.
We had to wear
these little uniforms...
We heard this part.
With the... With blouses
and things like this.
(LAUGHING) And
Alice talked a bunch
of girls, maybe 20...
Fast-forward.
(LAUGHING)
And they come to school
wearing hot pants
and jeans...
And so,
the next week,
they come back to school
wearing the uniform,
but they had crew cuts.
(BOTH LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
You know, I can't remember
a time that you weren't
telling that story.
No. She was my hero.
I'll have some.
No. You've had quite
enough, my darling.
You remember
when we used to
try to listen for
each other's thoughts?
Okay, I got one.
No. Tell me
the first thought.
Tell me what
I'm thinking.
You're thinking, "I hope
he doesn't ask me about
my first thought again."
Oh, it's drizzling.
It's nice.
Yeah. Yeah.
You know,
Sam, thanks.
Thanks for
helping us so much.
Oh, anything
for you, Alice.
Oh, that's nice.
All right.
Do you want
to hear something
really pretty?
A song. I've been
listening to it.
Yeah. Okay.
On the way here.
I still think this
tree house needs
a second storey.
That was one of
our better ideas.
(LAUGHING)
Who knew
that wood paneling
wouldn't make
a solid floor?
(LAUGHING)
You know?
Everybody.
Yeah, exactly.
And they kept
telling us.
Yeah.
We had a dream.
We did.
(CHUCKLES)
I still dream
about you.
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
Hey, what ever
happened to that guy
that you were
going with in college?
Um... Oh, nothing.
Hmm.
Hey, Alice.
You remember when
your father walked in
on us in
the basement?
Were we doing this?
Kind of.
Were we doing this?
Um... Sort of.
(SLOW MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
What are you guys
doing here?
Just looking.
He's fogging up
my window.
Shut up.
Stop.
What is that?
(SLOW MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
We've got to
go inside.
Come on.
What are you
guys looking at?
JUDY: That's
Samantha's car.
I love you guys.
(YELPS)
(SCREAMING)
(ALL GASP)
Oh!
You!
And now
Miss Katherine Ann Collins
will bestow upon us
a few comforting words
in our time of
bereavement.
Edmund Collins
was a great man,
who we all loved
very deeply.
EDMUND: Oh, God!
And he made
us feel special
about ourselves...
Oh, come on, Katie!
Grandpa!
Sweetheart,
you could do
better than that.
I, uh...
You, uh...
That's the way
you talk when
you've been
hanging around that
local boy too much.
I know what
you've been doing.
'Cause I can
see everything.
I'm sorry, Grandpa.
I'm depending
on you, sweetie.
Yes, Grandpa.
So, don't let me ever
catch you fooling around
with that delinquent,
or I swear I'll...
(GROANING)
(ALARM CLOCK BUZZING)
(BUZZING STOPS)
Good morning.
(STAMMERS)
Okay...
Um...
Is Alice up?
Are you leaving?
Yes.
Okay.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Where is she?
KATE: (SIGHS) I don't know.
She didn't leave
with Samantha?
Morning.
BOTH: Morning.
Where's, uh...
We don't know.
Well, did she leave...
SKIP: No, she didn't.
I saw her get out
of the car,
and I saw her
go towards the woods.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
And then she just became
a tiny, screaming...
KATE: I'm sorry.
There are only two hours
before the funeral,
and I really need
some help here.
Two hours?
Mmm!
DANIEL: I got to shower.
SKIP: Hey, are you guys
getting dressed up?
Hey, hey, hey,
you guys.
Could one of you
please tell me
one nice thing
I can say about
your dead father?
He often called me
Andrea for no reason.
I was Barry.
Wait a minute.
What about...
Remember
Thanksgiving,
and that crazy lady
broke in the house?
LUCY: Oh, my God...
Yes, that woman
with the red hair.
Yep, yep,
and remember.
She took the,
the leg off a turkey
and started banging it
on the table,
and screaming
something about Easter?
That's... Easter.
That's right.
You remember
how cool Dad was?
He leapt over the table,
swept her off her feet,
and carried her
out the front door.
"He protected us."
What else?
Why don't you
read a passage
from Death of
a Salesman?
(LAUGHS)
I don't know any.
I do.
"Put up your hands.
Goddamn you!
"Put up your hands. Ha.
"What do you think you are,
better than everybody else?
"You don't know
everything!
"You don't know, you big
ignorant, stupid...
"Put... Put up
your goddamn hands!
"Put up your hands.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
"Attention must be paid.
"You ratted on us, Terry!
"You ratted on us."
SKIP: Shut up!
Hi, Katie.
Ryan.
How's your leg?
It's... You know...
Broken.
I'm sorry.
It's okay. Uh, here.
Here.
What's this?
That's the answer
to your question.
Uh, before you open it,
uh, can we maybe...
Like, go inside and talk?
Oh, it's...
It's kind of crazy in there.
Okay.
Do you wanna go
somewhere else?
Um...
(SIGHS) This is kind of
a bad time for me. I...
Could we maybe meet tomorrow
before I go back to school?
You didn't
want me to come
to the funeral?
No, no, I do.
I do want you to
come. I just...
It's kind of...
It's Grandpa,
and I'm just afraid
you'll be too much
of a distraction.
I get it. Okay.
That came out wrong.
I'm sorry.
No, no, no, no, no.
That came out perfect.
I don't know what you
want from me, Katie.
(SIGHS)
I'm gonna go.
DANIEL: Katie.
Katie.
What?
Katie.
(SIGHS) What?
Do you see
my cell phone?
KATE: No!
(BEEPING)
(GRUNTS)
I knew you'd kill
yourself if you missed
your husband's funeral.
(MUTTERING)
Of course they're
all gonna be there.
Okay, you're ready.
Mmm!
(FLATLINE BEEP)
Okay, here we go.
Yeah, I am hurrying.
Nurse.
Uh, I just have to get her
down to X-ray, stat.
I didn't order
any X-rays.
There.
And now...
(MIMICS DRUM ROLL)
Ta-da!
And for you,
a hat
and...
It's a look. Okay.
Let's run
some lights.
Touch him.
You.
Looks like he's
gonna say something.
"Could somebody please
scratch my nose?"
(BOTH LAUGHING)
We're gonna need
more gas.
I definitely don't want
to do this twice.
I'm just asking
everyone
to stop at my office
after this.
It's on the way
to the lake.
Sure.
Katie, I'm
just asking...
Did you invite
any of his coworkers?
Well... Your grandfather
was more of a family man.
So it's just us?
Well, where's
your grandmother?
You didn't hear?
Grandma...
What in the world
happened?
...are you okay?
(MUTTERING IN ANNOYANCE)
She said
she's fine.
(CONTINUES MUTTERING)
She's happy
to be here.
I don't know.
He looks different to me.
(SIGHS)
It's hard to picture him
without a twinkle in his eye.
He really loved you.
He did.
(SIGHS)
(MOUTHING) Something's
stuck to my tongue.
Nice touch.
(PARSON BANKE CLEARS THROAT)
Bye, Dad.
(ORGAN PLAYING SOFTLY)
Why
do people have to die?
(SIGHS)
(CRYING NOISILY)
I...
I'm sorry.
My uncle died recently.
He was really...
Really the one who...
Rai...
He raised me.
(SOBBING)
Jimmy. Jimmy.
Uncle Jimmy.
Jiminy Cricket.
(SOBBING NOISILY)
(PLAYING PIANO)
I am not in love
But I'm open to persuasion
East or west
Where's the best
For romancing?
With a friend
I can smile
But with a lover
I can hold my head back
And really laugh,
really laugh
(LAUGHING)
Thank you
This is bullshit.
No. I'm sorry.
Screw her.
Come on, Luce.
No, don't.
She has made a business
out of persecuting me,
and I'm supposed to sit here
at my father's funeral
and watch her fuck-sing
at Samantha?
Screw that.
(ALICE CONTINUES SINGING)
Jeez, Luce!
What is wrong
with this family?
Wow.
I hadn't heard Alice sing
since you were a baby.
She had a little trouble
with the high notes.
Is it too much to ask
that we bury my grandfather
with a little
honor and dignity?
I think it is,
sweetie, yeah.
LANCE: You all know
how I felt about Ed.
He was somebody
I considered to be
a very close
personal friend.
I have here
his last will and testament.
He leaves his house
at 132 Rolling Drive
to his beloved wife,
Charlotte.
He leaves $1,000 cash
to Kate for expenses.
He also left
a videotape
that he instructed me
to play for you.
What about
his money?
Uh, he had no other assets.
I'm sorry.
You're sorry?
Hello, everybody.
Surprise!
(SIGHS)
(LAUGHING)
Before I leave,
I just want to say goodbye
and say a few
other things as well.
First,
I'm not a salesman.
Hell, I couldn't sell
nose plugs to a proctologist.
I never did a day's work
in my life.
I never knew
how to do anything,
except a little
acting maybe.
That's where my Danny boy
got it from.
There's something stuck
to my tongue, too.
Of course, Jerry was the one
with the film career.
What I'm trying
to tell you is...
There were three of you.
He always
forgets me.
One in Rhode Island,
one in Mexico,
and one in South Carolina.
(LAUGHING)
If you think raising three
families is a lot of work,
you try doing it
without letting them
find out about each other.
Oh, that's a killer.
Talk about leaking money.
Oh, when I was 20,
I inherited millions,
and now I'm up
to my prostate in debt.
(LAUGHING)
It was a crazy life,
but I loved it
because I love
my three wonderful wives
and my nine precious...
LANCE ON VIDEO: 11.
11?
(LAUGHING)
Eleven children? My God.
No wonder I couldn't get
your names straight.
Anyway, I've had
a great life.
(MUFFLED SCREAM)
A full life.
Three full lives.
You should all be
so lucky.
Katie Collins,
I'd like you to find
my other two families
and inform them
of their loss.
(MUFFLED GRUNTING)
Remember, I was just as
big a part of their families
as I was of yours.
If I've learned anything,
it's to be true to yourself.
Look it.
He clocked them.
All the way
from the grave.
All this time, I thought
you were his favorite.
Well, I mean, you were
his favorite one of us.
But we could have been
his second-favorite family.
I left something
in the...
We could have been
his third.
Congratulations
on the thousand bucks.
Thanks.
What makes you think
they know what
they're doing?
This is actually the kind
of stuff they're good at.
Maybe we should watch
from over there.
Yeah.
(COUGHS)
I never knew.
None of us did.
No. I mean,
I knew your family
was, you know...
A little...
But I had no idea.
You know, Sam,
I think
I'll catch up
with you later.
I'm gonna have a word
with my brother there.
Okay.
Dad, a little
assistance.
Listen, guys...
My pop never told me...
He never told me...
How much he...
Don't.
What?
You were gonna
say the "L" word.
I just want you
to know...
Dad, we know
how you feel.
Don't cheapen it with words.
I don't want to
be like him.
So leave us
better instructions.
Now, could you push?
I love you, guys.
Dad!
Dad!
I know. It felt weird,
but I did it.
The fuse!
Oh, great.
No worries.
We came prepared.
Oh, great.
(INHALING DEEPLY)
Hey, do you remember
Harry Barnes?
Don't give me crap
about that.
No, no, no...
I'm not in the mood.
I don't want to...
I'm not giving you
crap about it.
You remember him,
right?
How could I forget him?
He tortured you.
No, I know.
"Hey, here comes
peanut butter boy..."
Or crunchy-munchy face
or roasted-toasted...
Yeah, I know.
I just... I wanted...
Well, what?
I just wanted
to thank you.
I just want to
thank you for that.
Thank you for
looking after us,
protecting us.
Really.
He had a glass jaw.
(LAUGHING)
What? He did.
Glass jaw.
He did.
You clobbered
that kid.
No.
No, no, no.
Yes. You had
an unbelievable
right hand, Alice.
Alice, please.
You dropped
that boy.
You did. You...
(LAUGHING)
Ow. That...
Ow!
I hope
you hurt yourself.
That really hurt.
I can't remem...
When was
the last time
that the two of us just
hung out like this?
I can't remember.
I feel like...
Are we forgetting something?
No.
My glasses,
my things.
One joint.
Funeral.
Dad.
Fuck!
Lucy...
I think you owe your sister
a big apology.
I don't have
a sister.
Did we miss
anything?
There's nothing
left to say.
He ended it all.
Well, let me see
what you got here.
You want a Twizzler?
You sure?
Mmm-hmm.
I can remember the day
that you were born.
I can. I remember
the doctor coming in
and saying,
"It's a girl."
I thought, "Finally,
a baby sister.
I'm gonna have a friend
for the rest of my life."
Friend?
You've been making me
feel bad about myself
for the past 15 years.
I know.
It wasn't about you.
Oh, I was there.
It was all about me.
Well, maybe I thought
I was helping you.
Maybe you
didn't think.
All right.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Lucy.
I'm so sorry.
For what?
For not being
there for you,
for not being
on your side.
That's...
I wasn't on your side.
Yeah. Well... (SOBS)
Dad?
You ready,
sweetie?
No.
There's a lot
of good stuff here.
You know, just maybe
skip the part
about him being
a salesman, you know.
You ready?
No.
Uh, everybody.
Can we gather?
Katie's going to honor
what's left of our father
with a eulogy.
Dad, lighter.
Be careful, guys.
I love this lighter.
We don't have
a bagpipe player.
We know
the words.
(TWINS IMITATING BAGPIPES)
How many laws you suppose
we're breaking here?
Yeah, I should be
preparing a defense.
Um... We have gathered
here today
to honor my, uh,
grandfather, Edmund Collins.
Shut it.
(TWINS STOP)
Edmund was more
than just a great father.
He was a great... Guy.
Use your aim, guys.
Grandpa had
the playful habit
of showering us with
unusual nicknames.
Grandpa protected us
while he was off...
(BOTH LAUGH)
And even though
he wasn't always around,
let's face it,
more than anything,
my grandfather was
a family man.
(ALICE LAUGHING)
Sorry.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Move me over there.
Ha, ha, ha.
What's so funny?
Your father's dead.
Maybe he wasn't the man
we all thought he was,
but he's the reason
we're all here.
So... Go ahead and laugh.
He made me laugh.
Just remember,
this is the last
chance you have
to say goodbye
to your father.
Katie, I gave you
a job to do.
Get over here.
And just speak
from your heart.
All right, Katie.
"Did you really
leave me again?
"After all the seasons
I spent waiting,
"watching
out the window,
"listening at the door,
"waiting for the news
of your return,
"for the news
that you realized
"that someone important
was waiting for you?
"A whole lifetime
I've been waiting.
"I can't believe
you're not coming back.
"I can't believe
I'm supposed
to stop waiting.
"I can't believe
you left me again."
Grandpa didn't leave
because of you.
It was because of you
that he kept coming back.
I hope you all
realize that.
(SNIFFLES)
SKIP: Nice.
Papa was a rolling stone
Wherever he laid his hat
was his home
And when he died
All he left...
So, after it stopped
raining Grandpa,
I caught a ride here.
(SNIFFLING)
I'm so honored
and touched.
Thank you for
sharing that with me.
I'm sorry.
I had no idea.
No wonder Edmund
was gone so often.
It's hard to believe.
It really is.
Poor Barbara.
What do you mean?
I don't know
what to say.
You're not Barbara?
Edmund was the best
neighbor I ever had.
(SOBBING)
How'd it go?
Oh...
Pretty well, I guess.
I was starting to think
maybe you ducked out
the back on me or something.
(LAUGHING)
Wait. Stop the car
for a second.
I'll explain
on the way.
"This tape will explain
what this note cannot."
(GUNSHOTS)
"Vag... In...
A... Town."
What's a vag?
(APPLAUSE)
ALICE: So, I think
that brings us to the toasts,
and I think we should
toast my sister
and my new sister-in-law.
So I think the lovely
and articulate Simon
will do the honors, right?
SKIP: Big Skip.
Big Skip.
Well, come and prove it.
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you. Thank you.
Well, here they are.
We're here for these
two lovely ladies
on this momentous occasion.
And we're all
happy for them.
Oh. Oh, I have a perfect joke
for tonight. Yes, I do.
It's not dirty.
It's not a dirty joke!
It's not a dirty joke.
Just let people have...
It's a simple joke.
These two gym teachers
walk into a hardware store...
That's it.
All right.
(FEEDBACK)