Even More Funny Women of a Certain Age (2021) Movie Script
Hey, everybody.
Welcome to the third Funny
Women of a Certain Age Special.
A lot of people
have been asking,
"How come it took so long
between the second
and the third special?
Was it the pandemic?"
No!
It took forever to find five
women in Los Angeles who would
admit to being over 50.
Carole.
You did not tell me
I had to admit my age.
Suddenly you've ripped out
the rug of mother identity.
Now who the fuck am I?
You really do get forced
to reinvent yourself,
I think, or die.
Here's the deal, you know,
you've, you, you are....
Old.
One of the things I love
about getting older
is that I have really learned
how to say the word, "No."
Like, do I want to do
that gig for no money? No.
And they lie to us
and tell us,
"Well, if you lose 12 pounds,
you'll feel young."
No, you won't, you'll just
be a lighter old broad.
What do you think about
aging in this business?
It's better than death.
When I started stand up,
I was talking to my mom
one day on the phone.
I said, "How come you
never came to see?
Daddy and you never came to
see me at the beginning?"
And she says, "Your father
thought you were going to bomb."
We're doing number three.
Yeah!
Okay, before I start,
I just have to...
I'm 63 years old, I still
have to use a fucking condom.
How great is this looking
at all you beautiful people?
Look, we're not social
distancing anymore. Yes!
Just one thing. One thing
about social distancing.
This is for the ladies.
Did you notice that men never
really got the hang
of social distancing?
Do you agree with me?
Right?
Not before. Not during.
Certainly not afterwards.
I, I think it's because they
never figured out six inches.
How the hell are they
figuring out six feet?
Ah, that was a dick joke,
if you're keeping score.
And it's, it's,
it's such a weird time
because people don't know
how to act in public anymore.
Right?
'Cause I don't know
about out here,
but like I'm from
New York, right,
so in New York, in April, they,
this is what they said,
"Lockdown's over."
And that was it.
They didn't say anything else.
And nobody knew
what was happening.
So it was like when Dorothy
lands in the Wizard of Oz
and the Munchkins pop out.
"Can we drink now?
Can we fuck?
What can we do?"
Because most of you did
the same things I did, right?
You spent the most of 2020
in your underwear.
Don't fucking lie to me, people.
I decided, okay, right,
we're free now,
the stores are open,
I'm going to go get
some new clothes.
Ladies.
Did you see what the designers
thought we wanted to wear?
You know what I'm talking about?
Who said it? Right?
The Prairie dresses!
The men have no idea
what we're
fucking talking about
right now, okay?
That would be if they
gave you, like you, sir,
like, if you wore a jockstrap
with a fucking bow,
that's what that would mean.
Okay?
You understand?
Look at him.
I like that. Okay.
So anyway...
So for the people
who don't know,
it's a potato sack
with ruffles...
and a turtleneck.
How much weight did they think
we fucking gained
during the pandemic?
And just because
we bake bread during it,
doesn't mean we want to look
like a fucking pioneer woman.
All right?
What are they going to
come up with next? Right?
Like what are they going to
come up with for the next thing?
Right?
Like Chanel
for the Amish in you.
I'm hoping to get
a Chanel bag from this.
I'm just hoping
that I mentioned it
and they will send me one.
Okay, so...
I was one of the first people
to be vaccinated
because I am 63 years old,
and I'm a senior citizen.
This is the only time in history
where old people
were treated well.
Yeah, now we can go back
to being invisible
and overqualified.
And I still don't get
why they chose,
why did they make the seniors,
why did they give it
to us first?
I think I figured it out.
I think somebody
in charge was like...
"Well, if the vaccine
doesn't work...
...they had a good run."
So I talk about my age,
you know, a lot in my act,
because until like I said,
I'm 63 years old.
And until you're older
you don't realize
that ageism really does exist.
And the older women know
what I'm talking about.
Right? Right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Because honestly,
if I had to choose right now
between ageism or sexism,
I would take a pat on the ass
because it meant somebody
fucking noticed me.
Right?
Now when I was a young girl
and I used to walk by
a construction site,
I would hate it.
Don't you hate that?
It used to offend me so much.
What I would give
for a fucking whistle right now.
I can walk past a construction
site right now, naked.
You know what I'm going to hear?
"Uh, lady, your nipples
are getting bloody
from scraping on the sidewalk."
But it's, you know,
people think ageism is
a female thing and it's not it.
I mean, it's all genders,
it's all industries.
Like you, young man.
My, my little bow guy.
How old are you?
51 years old.
Now you will not
experience ageism
until you're in your 70s.
Women, 15.
You know what the only industry
that doesn't have ageism?
Porn.
I know you're all
looking at me like,
"Why does the old leech
know this?"
Okay, let me explain.
I have a good friend of mine.
She's a young lady.
She's a porn star.
And we were having dinner
one night.
And I said to her,
"When do you retire?
Do you have a retirement age?"
And she says to me,
"Carole, you're 63.
You could do porn.
There's a kink for everyone."
Still not sure if that was a
compliment or an insult, people.
I have to be honest.
But then I got excited.
I could do porn.
I could do porn!
I finally have
that fallback career
my parents always
wanted me to have.
But then I was thinking like,
what, what, what, what,
what genre would I do?
You know? 'Cause there's
different genres in porn.
Did you know that?
Yeah, yeah.
Like, do they have
like a Marvel Universe?
They have Iron Man.
I could be Iron Supplement.
So my girlfriend tells me a list
of all the different genres.
I have to be honest.
The only one that stood out
and this is a real thing,
was a thing called
humiliation porn.
Swear to God, this is
a real thing, right?
You know what I love,
I love doing this bit.
'Cause I love looking at
the men and they're like,
"I don't even know
what porn is."
Okay.
So this is a real thing.
It's when a woman
screams at a man
for 90 minutes
until he comes.
Now most of you don't
know me very well,
but this is
the perfect genre for me.
I get to yell at somebody.
I don't have to get naked.
And I get paid?
Sign me the fuck up!
I can't wait
for the first day on the set.
"Action!"
"You call that a dick?"
Wow.
That was really fast.
I think we have
88 more minutes.
What are we going to do?
You want to play cards?
I don't know what
we're gonna do.
So then my girlfriend
says to me, she says,
"Carole, maybe not do
hardcore right away.
Try something else.
Maybe an OnlyFans site."
You know that OnlyFans, right?
Once again, the men.
So you pay monthly, you pay
monthly for private content.
And I thought this is a great
way to do it from home, right?
Because I don't really want
to have to compete with like
young women with
their perky tits,
because these are
not perky tits,
these are,
these are droopy tits.
And whether or not
you're wondering
if there was a market
for droopy tits...
remember,
there's a kink for everyone.
So this is what
my OnlyFans is.
Okay.
I take these tits, right,
and I try to squeeze them
into a training bra.
In slow motion.
Ready?
Okay, here it is.
I got you hard
right now, didn't I?
That one was free.
You pay next month.
So now I have to tell
my son what I'm doing.
I have a grown son.
So I call my son up and I say,
"Honey, I just
want you to know,
Mom has an OnlyFans site."
And he goes, "I know,
my friends told me about it.
They would like
an autographed training bra."
So now I have merch.
And I think I speak
for all of you
this past year and everything.
The worst part of lockdown
for me was not seeing my son
and not seeing our families.
Do you agree with me
on this?
Yes. Yeah.
And I didn't see
my son for like three--
Those first three months
in New York City,
I did not see him, okay?
So finally, after three months
I call him up and I'm like,
"Honey, I have to come see you.
I'm going to rent a car
and I'm going to
bring you supplies."
By the way, I live in Manhattan.
He lives in Brooklyn.
It's not that fucking far, okay?
'Cause you know, all right.
I said, "The only thing
is, Dave,
is that I'm going to have
to use your bathroom.
I'm going to go have to pee
because I'm an old woman."
I, you know, because you know,
I'm an old woman, okay?
I pee all--
I'm peeing right now.
Don't fucking look!
Stop looking!
My son says to me,
"Mom, we're,
my roommates and I,
we're in a quarantine bubble.
You will not be able
to use my bathroom."
What? Exactly.
I was like, "Whoa, okay,
so let me get this straight.
I, I carried you
for nine months.
You peed in me.
And I can't use your...?
All right."
I didn't go.
I was so mad at him, right?
So over the summer restrictions
were a little bit lifted.
He calls me because,
"Mom, I spoke to my roommates.
Please come visit.
Please bring supplies.
You can use my bathroom."
So I went and I got the car.
And when I got up
to his apartment,
I peed right on his
fucking kitchen floor.
And then I filmed it
for my OnlyFans site.
Thank you so much.
You've been great.
Thank you, thank you,
thank you.
I never thought of myself
as a female comic.
I just thought
of myself as a comic.
I don't think you had to deal
with a lot of the bullshit.
I think everyone just,
she came out
of the fucking gate respected.
So what,
why do you think that is?
My jokes?
Wow, thank you.
Somebody just hugged me
so hard backstage,
I can skip my next mammogram.
They also said I was
dressed like a realtor.
I don't know.
I don't have a lot of clothes,
but I have two sets
of everything
because my weight fluctuates.
So like I have a little black
dress with spaghetti straps
and then a larger black dress
with lasagna straps.
It smells good in here.
Can you smell my perfume?
It's channel five.
I got it at the dollar store.
So during the pandemic
I developed something
called Amazon-nesia.
And that's when you get
a box and you're like,
"What did I order?"
And then I'm like, "I don't
remember ordering that."
Evidently one night I bought
six coffee table books
about minimalism.
I'm already minimal, I don't
even have a coffee table.
But I'm minimal because
somebody gave me a book,
people give me books,
called "The Life Changing
Magic of Tidying Up."
My housekeeper gave it to me.
Basically it says, get rid
of everything in your house
that doesn't bring you joy.
So, I immediately
got rid of the book.
But then it made sense.
'Cause you know what you like.
And it was just about
being honest with myself
about what I liked.
So I got rid of so much stuff,
of my husband's.
Comic books, baseball cards,
you know, junk.
I kept all my books though.
My mom gave me
a book called,
oh, it's fiction...
"The Joy of Cooking."
I am not a good cook.
Even my dogs are like,
"We'll eat out tonight."
My food has a before taste.
So um...
I didn't know how
that one was gonna go.
Someone gave me a book called
"The Power of Silence."
My husband gave it to me.
My husband is
the funniest human.
He sexted me recently,
you know,
sent me a picture
to turn me on, you know?
It was a picture of him
emptying the dishwasher.
Oh, I see some of my friends!
At my age, that's what
it's all about, right?
Being able to see.
No, but I've always,
growing up I had these
thick Coke bottle glasses,
but they were
the knockoff kinds.
They were RC Cola.
Now everything outside
of my car is in my blind spot.
And even my hindsight
isn't 2020.
But at this point,
I can see what's important.
Cash.
No, friends.
Friends and family.
And spending cash...
...time with them, I meant.
And health is important.
Health is, you know, if you
have your health, right?
I have to go to my doctor soon.
'Cause I've been feeling
attracted to him.
I'm married, but before I was
married, I dated a doctor.
He was one of those doctors
without boundaries.
Health, health,
eating healthier.
I've been eating healthier.
I have to say,
when I eat healthier,
I feel so much hungrier.
But we've been eating fish.
My favorite are
Goldfish pretzels.
Those are...
Yeah.
So my dogs keep me healthy.
Pets keep me healthy.
Or keep you healthy.
They're important.
We have two Jindos.
That's the breed.
We rescued them.
I saw a Cockapoo
in Beverly Hills
wearing Crest White Strips
and skinny black jeans.
There should be
a clothing store for dogs
called Forever Three.
'Cause in dog years...
Thank you.
One gentleman.
When we rescued our dogs,
the people told us
that they were four years old.
And then the vet said,
based on their teeth,
they were at least eight.
And I'm like, wow.
In Los Angeles, they even lie
about how old their dogs are.
So I am 56.
I turned 56 in February.
Thank you!
And since then,
I forget everything.
Like that I'm 60.
Now when a guy is staring
at my breasts, I'm like,
"Hey buddy, they're
down there actually."
I am old enough to remember
when you could smoke on a plane.
I mean, you can still do it now,
but they fine you
$2,200, I found out.
I am 60 years old.
The only thing I mind is that,
other than that society
thinks that, you know,
I'm not important
and my life is over,
and I feel like I'm just
starting my second act
as a librarian in Maine.
The only thing I mind is
that I started getting
an old ladies clothing catalog
that I didn't subscribe to.
And it upset me.
That I love the tunics.
They're reversible!
But fuck it.
I'm 60.
That's my new mantra.
I will buy Crepe Erase
and a walk-in tub,
and the pickleball racket
and compression socks,
and a case of Ensure,
and one of those HurryCanes,
and a statement necklace
from Chico's.
Fuck it.
I'm 60.
And I'm not apologizing anymore.
I love myself now.
Well, I, I can stand myself.
35 years of therapy later.
You know what?
I still wish I didn't
procrastinate as much.
Like I just did
the ice bucket challenge.
And I wish I could
fall asleep better.
'Cause, like once I'm asleep,
I could sleep through anything.
Like I once slept
through college.
But it, it's hard for me.
It takes me a long time
to fall asleep.
'Cause I'm always worried.
I'm worried about
like nuclear war
and did I buy
too many forever stamps?
And then I wonder silly things.
Like why does my raincoat
say "dry clean only."
Who builds the Ikea stores?
Why isn't there
an 82 cent store for women,
since that's what
we make on the dollar?
And isn't cobbler
just fucked up pie?
But I can stand myself.
I can stand myself
and I'll leave you with this.
I-- a couple of years ago,
I was hit by a car.
I know, I was walking
on my treadmill.
No, I was crossing the street.
I was hit by a car.
I woke up.
I didn't know where I was.
I knew I wasn't at home because
somebody was vacuuming and...
...wasn't me.
And I was in the hospital.
I had one broken leg
and two broken feet
and it took me
a long time to heal.
But I couldn't have
done it without
my friends and family
keeping me laughing.
And I realized
life is so fragile
and I should switch to Geico.
The guy had a great policy.
Thank you so much
for listening to me.
I feel like
people aren't honest
with what getting
older is about.
There is a moment where you go
from the day that you walk
into Starbucks and somebody
opens the door for you.
And then they might even say,
"Oh, let me buy you
your coffee,"
to like the next day
you are fucking invisible
and no one will ever buy you
free coffee ever, ever again.
Let alone a martini.
Hi, thank you so much!
Wow!
Wow!
Boy!
Thank you so much!
Well, I am so excited
to be here tonight.
Part of this show,
Funny Women of a Certain Age.
I figure in 10 or 15 years,
I'm really going to
need their advice.
I was kind of offended at first.
You know, like when AARP
started sending me stuff.
They sent a tote, like it was
filled with coupons to Denny's
and LensCrafters.
Like I want to advertise my age
by carrying around some
cheap canvas bag with
a giant AARP logo.
I mean, it might as well say,
"Aging Arthritic
Repulsive Person."
On a scale of one
to varicose veins...
I think I'm doing all right
for 36 plus 20.
I'm 56.
Thank you.
I don't know if you're clapping
because I can still wear heels
or because you've never seen
an actress do math.
Confidence can be
elusive as we age.
You know, part of us
is wise enough
to just not take any more shit.
And part of us looks in the
mirror while putting on makeup
and wonders, "Why bother?"
Because middle-age makeup
is a full-on craft project.
Scrape, spackle,
sand, patch, fill,
tape, lift, coat,
smooth, spray,
yeah, and then
you can put on lipstick.
I used to buy
my makeup at Sephora.
Now I get it in bulk
at Michael's.
No, it's basically papier-mache
on my face right now.
You could feel it.
Well, you might remember me
from an episode of Seinfeld
that I did that had
a very famous tagline.
They're real
and they're spectacular.
I mean, now they're still real.
And I would argue
still spectacular,
if you're attracted
to tube socks filled with sand,
hanging from a scarecrow.
But you know, hardly any of us
are real anymore.
I mean, just look at Instagram.
Like we all are filled
with fake boobs and fake butts.
Fake teeth.
Like we're so fake
that when we do finally
end up in a casket,
we probably won't even rot.
Or hundreds of years from now,
they'll be digging up
little sparkling veneers
and deflated plastic sacks,
wondering,
"Was this a cemetery
or a Party City?"
Yeah.
Aging while female is not
for the faint of heart.
I mean, wine of a certain age
is considered rare,
and grapes of a certain age
are considered raisins,
and women of a certain age
are not considered
in Hollywood at all.
Cheers.
I have three 18-year-old cats,
one 12-year-old dog,
and a car from 1978.
We're all just waiting around
to see who dies first.
I was one of those folks
that rescued a dog during COVID.
Yeah, mine came with poor
eyesight and a collapsed anus.
Ooh.
Yeah.
But so did I.
Yeah. Now I can barely
read my texts anymore.
I mean, most people
hear 69 and think sex.
I think font size.
And I have got to be the
only actress in Hollywood
who actually had plastic
surgery on my butthole,
instead of my face.
Anal fissures brought
on by pregnancy.
No, don't feel sorry for me.
My asshole just made
Maxim's Hot 100.
All of this to say,
I've become a cliche.
An old lady with too many
cats, who's also single.
Living alone, I
guess it, you know,
it really hasn't been
easy on me or my sex life.
Although, it's not
like it took a pandemic
for my vagina to be on lockdown.
No, even my Alexa knows
that I'm in a dry spell.
She's heard me so often complain
about having no
sex in a long time.
That once I said,
"Alexa, what's the time?"
And she said, "It
has been a long time.
It was so long ago that
iPhones had a charging port
and a headphone jack.
Yes, even the iPhones'
holes were being
more occupied than yours."
Some would call
that Alexa spying,
but I call it finally getting
some goddamn attention.
Now for my birthday,
she sent me chocolates
and a 10 speed dildo.
With batteries!
I will admit to you that I
am indeed on a dating app.
Well and, not just one.
I'm on Raya, Elite
Singles, and Bumble,
and Celebrities Who
Once Fucked James Bond,
MacGyver and Superman,
But Can't Find a Date
So Have Been Single
for Years.com.
But I do worry that
if you don't use it,
you lose it.
That's what they say.
I know that applies to
my brain and my biceps.
I'm wondering if it
includes my clitoris.
Has my vagina gotten
old, like the rest of me?
Does it meet Botox or fillers?
It definitely needs filling.
How dry is it?
Could we hold Burning Man
in there next year?
These were questions
I needed answered.
I needed my gynecologist
to go down on me.
So I'm in his office
and I'm lying there with
my legs up in the stirrups
and he's rooting around.
And I finally get up
the nerve to ask him,
"Uh, doctor, does
it look like a guy
would have a good
time in there?"
He peeked his head up
over the sheet
that was covering my lap.
And he said, "Teri, you have
a totally average vagina."
Well, does he mean average,
like 49% of women
have better vaginas
and 49% of women
have worse vaginas?
Or does he mean
average like a C,
because I'm not a C student,
and I certainly don't intend
to start with my vagina.
Like, he said he
meant it like it was
just perfectly, normally,
functionally fine.
And I'm, you know,
I'm an honest gal.
So that is how I
introduce myself now.
Hi, I'm Teri. I have a
totally average vagina.
Even my mother, my
86 year old mother,
called me the other
day, so excited.
"Teri, your father and I have
met the most amazing man.
He's single. He used to be a
pilot and he speaks Russian."
So then she said
to me four words
that made me consider
legally emancipating myself,
even though I'm in my 50s.
"Here, talk to him."
Ooh!
Oh yeah.
So, right, you can,
you can picture,
you can picture me going,
"Uh, no, no, no, no Mom, no.
What are you doing? Mom,
Mom, don't hand the phone!
Please don't hand
the phone to..."
"Hello, Teri.
This is Pete,"
or whatever the fuck he said.
I don't remember because
my head was spinning.
My heart was pounding.
My palms were sweaty.
I felt like I was
somewhere between a stroke
and a grizzly attack.
I squeaked out an
awkward, "Hello."
"Teri Hatcher," he
said, "This is so cool!
Your mom's told
me all about you!"
Okay. So let's recap.
I am talking to
a total stranger.
He knows exactly who I am.
Exactly what I look like.
He could have even
masturbated to me
at some point in his life.
It's true. I've been
around a long time.
I said, "Pete, I'm
sure you can appreciate
that this has caught
me a little off guard.
How exactly did
you meet my mom?"
"Oh, we just bumped into
each other in Costco."
Oh my God.
Is my mom just strolling
down the aisles of Costco,
like telling everyone that
her world famous daughter
is so pathetically
in need of a date
that she'll just hand
out my number to any man
without a wedding ring.
I hear my mom in
the background, yelling,
"Speak Russian to her!"
I mean the only thing
Russian I want right now
is a case of vodka.
I said, "Pete, could you put
my mom back on the phone?"
She told me she was texting me
a picture.
I got the picture.
Actually, Pete was kind of cute.
But then I looked closer.
I zoomed in on the photo
and I could see
that he was wearing
a Costco name tag.
Oh, my whole career,
tabloids have made me
a headline of some kind,
sometimes on a red carpet,
pumping gas, but lately,
lately, now
the headline is,
"Have You Seen Her Lately?"
Wow.
She's really aged.
Ooh.
What happened to her?
Really?
Yeah.
Well, I'll tell you.
I'll tell you
what happened to me.
I got married.
I got divorced.
I had a hit TV show.
I did some movies.
I got married again.
I grew a baby inside me.
I moved to New York.
I took a toddler on the subway.
I got divorced again.
I had another hit TV show.
I won some awards.
I raised money for charities.
I went to cooking school.
I won Chopped and
The Great British Bake-Off.
I ran two marathons.
I parented a beautiful human.
I cared for aging parents.
I took care of friends.
Friends took care of me.
I taught myself to play piano
and I survived celibacy
for a fucking year
alone in a pandemic.
So, yeah, life.
That's what happened to me.
Thank you guys so much!
You have been
way more than average!
Good night!
When you get onstage,
it doesn't matter who the hell
you're following, you own it.
You own that stage.
I got to tell you,
I've walked into clubs
and you know, it's,
they'll still look at the guide
and go, "Are you the headliner,"
looking at the feature!
And I'm like,
"I'm your headliner."
And then I prove it.
Whoo!
I'm loving this.
Can I share something
with y'all?
I went to my doctor last week
and he said no caffeine,
no fatty foods,
no alcohol.
I said, no copay.
Not paying to hear heresy, sir.
I really just wanted
to do this the easy way.
Right? I wanted to get some
Botox, some liposuction.
But what's in the budget
is self-acceptance.
So, you know, I,
I went shopping,
just to buy a couple
of things that, that fit
and I, I forgot
how frustrating that is.
Right?
Like I still, I still
don't understand
why women's clothes
start at size zero.
You're not a size zero,
if people can see you.
It doesn't help that I'm, I'm
at that awkward age right now
where police officers are
starting to look really young.
Y'all, I saw one little cop
the other day.
He looked so young I thought
he was trick or treating.
I was like, "Hey, little boy,
you want some candy?"
I got arrested.
But you know, it's hard
to tell how old somebody is
just by looking at them, right?
Like, like for old people,
everybody younger than them
is a millennial.
For young people,
everybody older than them
fought in the Civil War.
For me, any Black dude over 70
is a Tuskegee Airman.
Like whenever
I see one I'm like,
"Oh my God, thank you
for your service!"
You know, I'm learning that,
that we don't age
all at once, right?
Different body parts age faster
than others, right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Like my taste buds?
Still tasting.
My colon?
Not a team player.
But different parts of the body
age faster than
others, right?
Like my heart?
Still young.
My knees?
Ooh!
Hoo-hoo!
Apparently my knees walked
to freedom with Harriet Tubman.
Y'all, I call my knees
the Middle East.
Because no matter what
I do, there's no peace.
My, my doctor, my doctor
told me to take Osteo Bi-Flex.
And it works, right?
Like I don't hear my knees
cracking anymore, right?
But now I'm afraid that's
'cause I'm losing my hearing.
But I will, I will
admit to you guys
that age is a touchy subject
for me, right?
'Cause there's a, there's
a TV show called Younger, right?
Where in order to
find and keep a job,
a white woman in her 40s
pretends to be in her 20s.
Because white women age so well?
See, I don't understand
how the star of that show
is not a Black woman.
Aging well is what we do.
I mean, c'mon.
Angela Bassett is 209.
I'm 87!
Actually, you know what?
I was, I was taught
that it's impolite
to ask a woman her age, right?
But it happens.
So now whenever a man
asks me how old I am,
I ask him if he's good in bed.
See, that way we both know
we're about to lie.
You know what,
how about, how about this?
How about, because it
really tells you nothing
substantive about who I am
regarding age.
I just say
I'm a seasoned woman.
Which basically means
I'm delicious.
And I'm probably gonna
raise your blood pressure.
Real talk though.
Real talk.
I don't, I don't
like sharing my age
because I feel like it
gives people another way
to discriminate against me.
Right?
Like I got the hang of racism
and sexism, I got that.
Now you throw in ageism,
now I'm Trinity in the Matrix.
And I just took
the red pill, right?
I mean, one of my
biggest fears is
that I will be
brutally murdered.
It will make the news.
And they will say my age.
Leighann Lord, 87.
So it's not bad enough
that I'm dead.
But now the whole world knows
that I am four score
and seven.
Thank you, Anderson Cooper.
That's a lot of
self-esteem, right?
To think that my murder
will make CNN primetime?
Shout out to my vision board.
I got to tell y'all,
according to my vision board,
tomorrow me is amazing.
All right,
she gonna get up early.
She gon' eat right.
She gon' exercise
and be married to Jason Momoa.
And you know what?
If, if anyone in here doesn't
know who Jason Momoa is,
let, let me fill
that void in your life.
Jason Momoa is the actor
who played Aquaman.
Yeah, yes, even the men
are moist now.
I saw the movie and I
was a little confused
because somebody told me
that Aquaman had a plot.
I don't remember that.
I remember Jason Momoa
came on screen,
two hours and 22 minutes later,
I knew how to swim.
Now I, I really wasn't into
the whole superhero thing
until I saw Black Panther.
Y'all, I saw Black Panther
opening weekend.
And I had not seen that many
happy Black people
in one place since
election day, 2008.
The line, the line to get
into the theater was so long.
I got excited.
I was like, are we voting?
What?
One of my, one of my favorite
lines from Black Panther is,
"Be silent, colonizer."
Ooh.
That's how I be getting
through these Zoom meetings.
And that's how you teach
critical race theory.
But my, my favorite
superhero movie is Harriet.
Yes, the movie about
Harriet Tubman.
Yes.
And I'll tell you
the part of the film that,
that really moved me,
is when she escapes,
she's free, she goes back home
one year later
to rescue her husband
and finds that he is already
married to another woman.
Now to her credit,
she took it well.
I did not.
Because I was like, if that
had happened to Harriet Tubman,
that could happen to me.
I leave.
I come back.
He's married.
Talkin' 'bout,
"Baby, I didn't know
where you went.
I didn't know
how long you'd be gone."
Motherfucker, I went to work.
I left this morning.
I have to tell you guys,
I was incredibly thrilled
and honored to be invited
to do this show.
Because women, we are,
we are 52% of the population.
Right? But we only make
85 cents on the dollar.
That's why I don't feel bad
about shoplifting.
Now Black women,
we only make
65 cents on the dollar.
Right? Right.
So that means if I told a joke
that you didn't like,
that's 'cause I only wrote
65% of it.
Now I know 65%, that doesn't
sound too bad, right?
But in, in fairy tale terms,
that's Snow White
and the Four and a Half Dwarfs.
That is insufficient.
I need a full set of Dwarfs.
Yes.
One for each appendage.
Like Grumpy, Happy,
Dopey, Doc,
Sleepy, Sneezy...
Bashful.
Stop crying, Bashful.
You know what it is.
But I wanna, I want to ask
y'all a question before I go.
By round of applause,
round of applause,
how many of you here would agree
that time is money?
Applaud if you believe
time is money.
So then I have a proposal.
If they're not going to pay me
all my money on the dollar,
then I have to take back
my time, right?
So that 12-hour shift
is now eight,
nine to five is nine to two,
and my weekend starts
on Wednesday.
All those in favor, say aye.
Aye!
The ayes have it.
The motion carries.
And the Senator from Wakanda
reclaims her time.
Thank you.
Good night.
So I'm in Dyersburg, Tennessee,
at a place called Checkers.
And had advertised me
as XXX.
So I got a guy in the front row
and he just keeps saying,
"Are you ever taking
your clothes off?"
Because he thought it was
like comedy strip show
'cause of the XXX.
-Oh no.
-Yeah.
And I just looked at him.
I said, "Dude,"
I was much heavier, I said,
"If I spin around a pole,
I'll strike oil,
ya dumb bastard."
Wow, thank you!
What a great response!
I only know one way
to respond to that.
Thank you!
Well, first of all,
I'm delighted to be here.
I'm delighted to be out
because I've been locked up
for 14 months with no wiener.
I've been alone in my
house for 14 months.
It's been amazing.
In fact, I'm pretty sure
my hymen's grown back.
Right before a lockdown,
you know what I had?
The hang and bang.
The hang and bang.
Dick, Netflix and some
breakfast burritos.
That was it.
Right?
'Cause I was dating
little dudes.
So I gotta be honest
with you, that you know,
when you date much younger
people as a woman,
it's not fun.
Because for women,
sex is mental.
You want to get into our bed,
you got to get into our head.
You got to smell nice.
You got to dress good.
You got to play good music.
Little dudes don't do that.
They don't, you know
what they think they do?
They get manscaped.
I don't want to see that.
All shaved down there
like a little baby bird.
I don't want to see that.
I want to see a man,
a real man.
You're a man.
I'm not flirting,
but he's age appropriate.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
But I'm a woman
of a certain age.
I want, you're in man pants.
You're in pants
with a fly and a button.
You're not sitting there
in jeggings.
A little moose knuckle.
No, you're a grown-ass man.
They can fix shit.
You got tools, don't you?
You got tools.
Look at him.
He's like, yeah.
I'm moist as a Bundt cake.
I'm not flirting,
but that's so sexy.
Sexy!
I'm looking at you,
little dude, not interested.
You know what I mean?
You're cute.
You're cute.
You know what's good about
dating a guy like him?
You don't have to break up
with him, you don't.
You just stop buying groceries.
You know what I mean?
They're like giant
entitled raccoons.
Who needs that?
I want a real man.
I want to-- I think I dated
young, strong, virile men
because I thought that that
was accomplishment, success.
That you could protect me,
but it's not.
I want spiritual success.
I want real accomplishment.
Saggy balls.
I want saggy balls.
That's wisdom, my man.
It's like rings
on a tree, baby.
I believe in like
envisioning what you want,
deciding what you want.
I've given him a name.
Larry.
You know with like
a little Jew fro,
maybe like a bald spot in the
back he covers with hairspray.
The universe loves specificity.
The Larr Bear.
He golfs.
Maybe he's got a black Tesla.
You know what I mean?
You know those guys,
those little wiry fucks.
You know those
little wiry, hairy guys
that looked like they
were like dipped in glue
and rolled in pubes.
You know those guys.
I want that guy.
I've had a lot of time
to think about this.
I've been alone 14 months.
I'm like a free range chicken.
I just let everything go.
My hair grew out.
Fuck it.
That's what brown magic
marker's for, I don't care.
Yeah.
My little waxer.
I don't miss that little bitch.
Ripping my pubes out
from the roots.
Fuck her.
I'm not going back.
I look like I have
Colin Kaepernick
in a thigh lock.
I'm not--
I don't care!
I don't care.
No, I'll take some scissors
to it soon.
You know what I mean?
And then I'm going analog.
I'm going BIC razor and Nair,
and who wears short shorts,
but I'm not ready yet.
It was like feng shui.
If you build it,
they will come.
You know what I mean?
Like I'm not ready yet.
I'm gearing up
for the Larr Bear.
I'm excited about--
I believe in this stuff.
I believe in manifesting.
And I've had a lot of time
to CSI my life.
Yeah, I've been married
and divorced three times.
Fuck it.
I don't care.
There's no shame in my game.
It's better to be divorced
than plotting someone's death
in their sleep, okay?
That's true.
'Cause the little dudes,
it's different
because it's not fulfilling.
Because for women,
like I said before,
sex is mental and we have
different types of the Big O
and it's been so long since
I've had like a big, Big O.
Am I embarrassing you?
No, because you don't,
you don't even know
what I'm talking about.
That's why you're
not embarrassed.
No, I thought about it.
I thought about it.
Like, like men have
one type of the Big O.
It's just like a sneeze,
like a delicious
ahh-choo, like that.
I love the way women laugh.
Like, "Tell them, Monique,
tell them!
Tell them!"
Women get dicky drunk.
You know, women.
We do, we get dicky drunk.
We get, we get drunk
from the wiener.
When you have,
when you have one
Big O, you know,
first of all,
you know how you know
that it was like
the one big one?
She giggles when she's done.
She goes, "hee hee,"
like that.
And then we get out of bed
and we like wobble.
Not just 'cause
our knees are weak,
but because we're
under the influence
of an entire experience
of you trying to make us happy.
When we run into a door
that's been there for ten years.
Someone with
a lump on her head
right there in the front row.
Amen.
Can I get a witness?
Yeah. Yeah!
That never happened
with the little dudes.
Never happened with
the little dudes.
And you can't train them.
It takes too long.
And I tell my nieces this.
I have little nieces,
little bitches.
I love them.
No, I love them.
But I call him that sometimes
because they make me feel old.
My, my nieces,
they come up to me.
They go, "Auntie Monique,
tell us what it was like
in the 1900s."
Like it's fuckin' Downton Abbey
and me,
you know what I mean?
But I want them to learn things
because it doesn't matter
if it's a career
or even just a job,
or a relationship, or sex,
whatever it is,
we've lost our ability
to appreciate
deferred gratification.
That we can't get what we want
in the exact second
that we want it.
And life was sweeter when
you had to wait for things.
I tell them about layaway.
They thought
it was a dating app.
But I tell them things that
they need to know how fortunate
they are to live in a world
of miracles, you know?
They love my mom.
They call her Abuelita.
They go, "Abuelita's so sweet.
"Abuelita bought me a device.
Abuelita did this.
Abuelita did that."
I go, "You want me to tell
you a secret about Abuelita?"
They're like, "Yeah."
I go, "She used to beat me
in grocery stores."
I just like to throw them off.
Remember that?
Remember when you
could hit your kids?
My nieces have
never been spanked.
They have no idea what it is
to take a beat down
in the produce department.
Nobody takes pictures
or calls CPS.
Hell no.
They don't do that.
They join in in the beat down.
They're like,
"I heard what that kid said.
That's a lippy little bitch.
Hit her harder."
But I digress.
They love music.
We love music.
We share a love of music.
They're so adorable
because I'm trying
to make like a,
like a mixtape,
like what they call
them, a playlist.
Now it's a playlist.
Playlist, you know?
'Cause I like putting it
out there to the universe
that I'm making
a Larr Bear love tape.
It's hard.
It's hard, 'cause all the people
that I used to like
to hump to are dead.
It's true.
I got used to Marvin Gaye
of course, but you know,
everybody went down, you know,
Prince, Michael Jackson,
Donna Summer, Natalie Cole,
it just keeps going.
George Michael, bam, bam,
Luther Vandross, bam.
And my little nieces are like,
"Well you can, you can
do it to Ed Sheeran."
No, you can't,
he's a little redheaded Muppet.
I can't have sex to him.
Sexy.
But we talk a lot about music.
We do.
That's where we,
you find the commonality.
You find the things you both
love, you find touch points,
and then you can have
real conversations with people.
And I find
that my nieces and I,
we can always unite
over music.
So I, I talked to them a lot
about how much it
used to mean to me
to put together mixtapes.
And they're like,
"How does that work?
We've heard of the mixtapes
from the 1900s."
I said, "Well, well,
little sweethearts.
We used to listen
to music on a radio.
That's a box with two
metal sticks sticking out."
And they know like download
speeds and coverage and 5G.
I'm like, "Oh no,
the radio didn't even work
in every room in the house."
You had to unplug it
and move it around
and whatever room you left it
there and turned it up loud.
And no matter what
you were doing,
you would listen
with half an ear.
And the DJ would say,
"Coming up next,
Salisbury Hill
by Peter Gabriel,"
and you would haul ass
to your bedroom
and you would grab
your Radio Shack recorder
and back it up to the speaker.
And then you would just wait,
hovering like a bird of prey
with your two fingers.
Hoping the DJ would
shut the fuck up.
Right now in my apartment
in Hollyweird, California,
I have a box of mixtapes
from '84 to '88.
And I say, Hollyweird, 'cause
even though I've lived here
since 1996, I'm originally
from Miami, Florida.
And by the way,
I'm 100% Latina.
So if you have any stereotypes
about Latinos, I know,
I know, I look like
a middle-aged white woman
with good credit, but I'll
shank a bitch, I don't care.
I will.
If I have to.
But in my apartment
in Hollywood,
I have a box of mixtapes
and it's pretty amazing.
It brings back so many memories
of making them.
But I have a 90-minute miracle
I made in the summer of 1986.
That one really took some time.
And, and it starts
with Jungle Love
by Steve Miller Band.
Yeah, that's a jam.
That's a jam.
I met you on
somebody's island
That's a line, "I met you
on somebody's island."
That's some sexy shit!
What would the kids say now?
I swiped left and we
hooked up at Pinkberry.
Like what kind of song is that?
"I met you on somebody's island.
I thought I had
known you before."
That's sexy.
"I brought you a crate
of papayas."
Have you ever had a papaya,
little dude?
That's some delicious shit
right there, delicious.
If you did that now, a girl
be like, "Crate of papayas?
That's a creeper move.
You left me fruit
on my front porch?
Ya freak.
Are they non-GMO papayas?
Organic?"
I hope I meet the Larr Bear
and he brings me
a crate of papayas.
In his black Tesla.
I'm telling you I've got
it down, I've got it down.
I can picture him.
He's in a suit.
He's got on a shirt with some
white chest hair sticking out.
You know what I mean?
Like that.
It's true, I want
a grown man in man pants
that's not manscaped.
When he drops trou, I want it
to look like a buzzard
hanging out of his nest
on a cliff wall.
You're picturing it right now.
But I'm going to leave you
with my three best pieces
of advice.
After more than 50 years
on this planet.
And I've really had a lot
of time to think about it,
14 months all by myself.
And this is what
it comes down to.
Number one, love hard.
Your heart is a muscle.
Even if you're loving
the wrong person,
consider it cardio
for your spirit.
I got news for you, you're
never loving the wrong person.
You're just preparing
for the righter person.
If anybody knows
the Larr Bear,
you know, little Jew fro.
Number two, forgive harder,
because when you forgive,
all your power
comes back to you.
And one of the things
about the 'Rona
was I had a lot of time
to reconnect with people.
And I know some of them
were thinking,
"Did she forget that we had
that fight in high school?
Is she up to some
ninja revenge?"
No, I forgot.
Forgive harder.
All your power
comes back to you.
And number three,
if we've learned anything,
get as happy as you can
as fast as you can.
It's nobody's job, but yours.
Thank you. Good night.
Bless you.
I mean, when I started,
they structured the show
with a male headliner,
a host to MC,
to open the show,
and a novelty act.
Ahh.
And the novelty act
was either a juggler
or an impressionist
or a woman.
Wow.
We were considered novelty acts.
-How adorable.
-Yeah.
I don't even know
if it was conscious.
I just know that it happened.
Oh, wow.
Thank you.
Well, I guess
that's my show.
Thank you.
Good night.
Hi, my name is
Marsha Warfield.
But you can call me
Your Highness.
I'm so honored to be here
with all my bitches.
Got my stable with me.
I am the senior member
of this crew.
Yes I am.
I am the same age
as Oprah Winfrey.
Yes I am. We were born
a couple of years apart.
That's not true.
We were born a couple
of months apart
in the year of Brown vs.
The Board of Education.
So we grew up with
the civil rights movement.
And it shapes
your whole perspective.
It was on TV all the time.
It was part
of dinnertime conversation.
It was in school.
It was in church.
It was everywhere.
I still remember the slogans
from back then.
Like, free at last.
We shall overcome.
Y'all gonna get us all killed.
Them white folks gon'
be mad, you know.
But Oprah has famously said
that 60 is the new 30.
Oprah's a damn liar.
60's the same fucking 60
it's always been.
It's the number after 59.
You can't get from 59 to 30.
That don't even make
no fucking sense.
It makes you wonder,
how much money
do you have to have
to get your own math?
And it don't even make--
people need to stop
with all that,
"this is the new that."
They got 90-year-old people.
90 is the new 80.
Twelve is the new four,
four is the new toddler.
What the fuck?
Orange is not the new black.
If it was, Donald Trump
would be head of NAACP.
But I wish I had Oprah math.
You would see me
in the grocery store,
they'd be like, "That's $412."
And I'd be, "Uh-uh.
Not by my math.
Way I figured
you owe me $2.22.
But keep the change,
I like you."
But that's power.
To be able to change
the whole definition of old.
Come on, when me and Oprah
were kids, 60 was old as fuck.
If somebody told you
they was 60, you got sad.
You'd be like, "Aww!
But I like you."
And Oprah got 60,
ain't nobody 60.
You ain't 60.
Ain't nobody old.
That's amazing power.
I wish I had
that kind of power.
Oprah got bread
ain't got no calories.
You remember when she
was talking about,
"I eat bread every day.
Lost 22 pounds."
You's a damn liar.
No you didn't.
I smell bread
every day, gain 40.
I can gain 22 pounds
looking at food.
And I was trying
to lose weight
because we have this idea if
we lose weight, we'll lose age.
You'll feel like
a 22-year-old.
You's a damn liar!
No I won't!
I'll just be
a skinny-ass old person.
But when, you know,
summer was coming,
you know, you get conditioned.
So if you start
trying to lose weight
so you can have that
summer body, you know?
And I was working
real hard at it, I was.
And then one day,
when I was pulling some skin
off some chicken...
...it dawned on me.
And I'm like, "Fuck."
They make bigger clothes.
So you should have
seen me wrapping
that skin back
around that chicken.
I got some bacon
and some toothpicks.
I got some cheese.
I fried that shit.
Because like every woman,
I do have an inner skinny woman.
You know, we all have that
inner skinny woman who nags us.
You know, I know I do
because I ate her.
That bitch tried to get between
me and the refrigerator...
on one of them
midnight munchie runs.
I'm like, "Uh-uh,
that's your ass."
But I've gotten to where
I accept my weight
and I don't want
to lose weight
because I'm old.
And if I'ma waste away
to nothing,
I want it to take
a long fucking time.
But as the senior member
of this crew,
I have to tell you
a couple of secrets.
One, your grandmother's a freak.
It's true.
People think--
See, we're the generation
that invented sex,
drugs, and rock and roll, okay?
Right?
And we are still
sexing and drugging
and rocking and rolling.
It's just now we have
to take drugs so we can sex
and rock and roll,
but that's not the point.
People have this weird idea
that old ladies,
just, just sit around, rocking,
thinking about cookie recipes
for children.
Let me tell you something,
your grandmother
could give a shit about
your children and your cookies.
We don't care.
We taught you how
to make cookies,
so you should have brought us
some fucking cookies.
That's what you shoulda did.
And if I'm sitting
around rocking,
I might be sitting
on something.
Uh baby, don't pay no attention
to that buzzing noise.
That's the refrigerator.
It does that when it's full.
'Cause granny got a Magic Wand.
You know what
I'm talking about, right?
Yeah.
Looks like this.
She keeps it in her nightstand
up under the night gowns
on her side of the bed.
You know what I'm talking about.
You've seen it.
Get you one.
See, you young women,
y'all invest all this money
on all these devices and stuff
that do all
this kind of stuff.
You don't need that.
Get you a old fashioned
Hitachi Magic Wand.
But don't get the one
with the batteries.
You don't want that.
That's annoying.
It's just wimpy, it's just...
Get the one
that plugs in the wall.
That's the one you need.
I will tell you another secret.
You have old people to thank
for recreational marijuana.
That's right, 'cause we've
been smoking reefer
since back when people
was calling it smoking reefer.
And I'm gonna tell
you something.
When your grandmother is
sitting around rocking,
she's fucked up.
Old people still get high.
We be smoking, we like to
get high and play games.
We like to go outside
and get in the way.
Go around, you little shit.
I am gay.
Thank you so much.
And I came out in my 60s.
Came out publicly.
You come out in stages,
you know?
But I came out publicly
in my 60s on Facebook.
'Cause that's what old people
do, we fuck around on Facebook.
Facebook is
the 21st century version
of sitting in the window,
yelling at people.
Get off my page!
Take that shit on the other side
of the Internet.
But growing up,
I didn't know I was gay.
I just knew I was different.
That's what they told me.
They said, "You're different."
Which means they fucking knew.
They didn't tell me.
Do you know how much pussy
I didn't get?
They called me a tomboy,
but I wasn't a tomboy.
I was a baby dyke.
They should have let me
be a baby dyke.
I would have been
a lot happier.
But as I get older and now
that I'm out and stuff,
I find myself new
to the community.
I still don't know
all the gay rules and stuff.
You know, I don't know
even what to call myself.
I mean, you know,
am I butch, stud,
femme, futch, butt,
what the fuck?
Yes, I'm wearing a fedora.
You know, I have
on sensible shoes.
But I'm wearing a bra
and the panties, you know?
I am wearing a strap on,
but that's not the point.
But like I said,
it's hard coming out,
it's hard growing up.
And I found out just recently
that God is a Black woman.
She's tough.
I've talked to her.
She told me to tell you
she's pissed.
It's your fault.
But she also told me that
the world needs to be mothered.
That we've been fathered
long enough.
You know what fathers do.
They fuck mothers.
So we've been
motherfucked for some...
But Carole's a national mom.
We need a national mom.
We do.
Wherever we need somebody
to just take over.
Just somebody, just walk into
Congress and just stand there
and make everybody shut up
and feel guilty.
Who did this?
No, don't be pointing
at each other.
Ain't nobody leaving here
till y'all clean this shit up.
And America,
go to your room
and stay your ass in there
till you learn how to vote.
Like I said, I don't know all,
how to relate as a gay woman.
I don't know all of the rules
and what to call myself,
you know?
I think people
should call me what I am.
A lady snorkeler.
Dive, baby, dive.
Thank you so much.
Take care.
People think
that comedy is so easy.
Oh yeah, it's a breeze.
Start today.
We were always the,
like the dirty girls
or the edgy girls and there
was only a few of us back then.
Exactly.
We told the truth.
We weren't even dirty.
I mean, I tell people,
tell the truth
and wrap it in bacon,
so you'll eat it.
I want to be that person
that, you know,
somebody can look at
and they can go, wow.
If that's how Teri Hatcher's
living, then like,
I feel pretty good
about my life.
We all want to see
each other succeed
because I think Hollywood
has a tendency to say
that we're backbiting.
We do help each other.
And what you have created,
Carole, is magnificent.
Welcome to the third Funny
Women of a Certain Age Special.
A lot of people
have been asking,
"How come it took so long
between the second
and the third special?
Was it the pandemic?"
No!
It took forever to find five
women in Los Angeles who would
admit to being over 50.
Carole.
You did not tell me
I had to admit my age.
Suddenly you've ripped out
the rug of mother identity.
Now who the fuck am I?
You really do get forced
to reinvent yourself,
I think, or die.
Here's the deal, you know,
you've, you, you are....
Old.
One of the things I love
about getting older
is that I have really learned
how to say the word, "No."
Like, do I want to do
that gig for no money? No.
And they lie to us
and tell us,
"Well, if you lose 12 pounds,
you'll feel young."
No, you won't, you'll just
be a lighter old broad.
What do you think about
aging in this business?
It's better than death.
When I started stand up,
I was talking to my mom
one day on the phone.
I said, "How come you
never came to see?
Daddy and you never came to
see me at the beginning?"
And she says, "Your father
thought you were going to bomb."
We're doing number three.
Yeah!
Okay, before I start,
I just have to...
I'm 63 years old, I still
have to use a fucking condom.
How great is this looking
at all you beautiful people?
Look, we're not social
distancing anymore. Yes!
Just one thing. One thing
about social distancing.
This is for the ladies.
Did you notice that men never
really got the hang
of social distancing?
Do you agree with me?
Right?
Not before. Not during.
Certainly not afterwards.
I, I think it's because they
never figured out six inches.
How the hell are they
figuring out six feet?
Ah, that was a dick joke,
if you're keeping score.
And it's, it's,
it's such a weird time
because people don't know
how to act in public anymore.
Right?
'Cause I don't know
about out here,
but like I'm from
New York, right,
so in New York, in April, they,
this is what they said,
"Lockdown's over."
And that was it.
They didn't say anything else.
And nobody knew
what was happening.
So it was like when Dorothy
lands in the Wizard of Oz
and the Munchkins pop out.
"Can we drink now?
Can we fuck?
What can we do?"
Because most of you did
the same things I did, right?
You spent the most of 2020
in your underwear.
Don't fucking lie to me, people.
I decided, okay, right,
we're free now,
the stores are open,
I'm going to go get
some new clothes.
Ladies.
Did you see what the designers
thought we wanted to wear?
You know what I'm talking about?
Who said it? Right?
The Prairie dresses!
The men have no idea
what we're
fucking talking about
right now, okay?
That would be if they
gave you, like you, sir,
like, if you wore a jockstrap
with a fucking bow,
that's what that would mean.
Okay?
You understand?
Look at him.
I like that. Okay.
So anyway...
So for the people
who don't know,
it's a potato sack
with ruffles...
and a turtleneck.
How much weight did they think
we fucking gained
during the pandemic?
And just because
we bake bread during it,
doesn't mean we want to look
like a fucking pioneer woman.
All right?
What are they going to
come up with next? Right?
Like what are they going to
come up with for the next thing?
Right?
Like Chanel
for the Amish in you.
I'm hoping to get
a Chanel bag from this.
I'm just hoping
that I mentioned it
and they will send me one.
Okay, so...
I was one of the first people
to be vaccinated
because I am 63 years old,
and I'm a senior citizen.
This is the only time in history
where old people
were treated well.
Yeah, now we can go back
to being invisible
and overqualified.
And I still don't get
why they chose,
why did they make the seniors,
why did they give it
to us first?
I think I figured it out.
I think somebody
in charge was like...
"Well, if the vaccine
doesn't work...
...they had a good run."
So I talk about my age,
you know, a lot in my act,
because until like I said,
I'm 63 years old.
And until you're older
you don't realize
that ageism really does exist.
And the older women know
what I'm talking about.
Right? Right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Because honestly,
if I had to choose right now
between ageism or sexism,
I would take a pat on the ass
because it meant somebody
fucking noticed me.
Right?
Now when I was a young girl
and I used to walk by
a construction site,
I would hate it.
Don't you hate that?
It used to offend me so much.
What I would give
for a fucking whistle right now.
I can walk past a construction
site right now, naked.
You know what I'm going to hear?
"Uh, lady, your nipples
are getting bloody
from scraping on the sidewalk."
But it's, you know,
people think ageism is
a female thing and it's not it.
I mean, it's all genders,
it's all industries.
Like you, young man.
My, my little bow guy.
How old are you?
51 years old.
Now you will not
experience ageism
until you're in your 70s.
Women, 15.
You know what the only industry
that doesn't have ageism?
Porn.
I know you're all
looking at me like,
"Why does the old leech
know this?"
Okay, let me explain.
I have a good friend of mine.
She's a young lady.
She's a porn star.
And we were having dinner
one night.
And I said to her,
"When do you retire?
Do you have a retirement age?"
And she says to me,
"Carole, you're 63.
You could do porn.
There's a kink for everyone."
Still not sure if that was a
compliment or an insult, people.
I have to be honest.
But then I got excited.
I could do porn.
I could do porn!
I finally have
that fallback career
my parents always
wanted me to have.
But then I was thinking like,
what, what, what, what,
what genre would I do?
You know? 'Cause there's
different genres in porn.
Did you know that?
Yeah, yeah.
Like, do they have
like a Marvel Universe?
They have Iron Man.
I could be Iron Supplement.
So my girlfriend tells me a list
of all the different genres.
I have to be honest.
The only one that stood out
and this is a real thing,
was a thing called
humiliation porn.
Swear to God, this is
a real thing, right?
You know what I love,
I love doing this bit.
'Cause I love looking at
the men and they're like,
"I don't even know
what porn is."
Okay.
So this is a real thing.
It's when a woman
screams at a man
for 90 minutes
until he comes.
Now most of you don't
know me very well,
but this is
the perfect genre for me.
I get to yell at somebody.
I don't have to get naked.
And I get paid?
Sign me the fuck up!
I can't wait
for the first day on the set.
"Action!"
"You call that a dick?"
Wow.
That was really fast.
I think we have
88 more minutes.
What are we going to do?
You want to play cards?
I don't know what
we're gonna do.
So then my girlfriend
says to me, she says,
"Carole, maybe not do
hardcore right away.
Try something else.
Maybe an OnlyFans site."
You know that OnlyFans, right?
Once again, the men.
So you pay monthly, you pay
monthly for private content.
And I thought this is a great
way to do it from home, right?
Because I don't really want
to have to compete with like
young women with
their perky tits,
because these are
not perky tits,
these are,
these are droopy tits.
And whether or not
you're wondering
if there was a market
for droopy tits...
remember,
there's a kink for everyone.
So this is what
my OnlyFans is.
Okay.
I take these tits, right,
and I try to squeeze them
into a training bra.
In slow motion.
Ready?
Okay, here it is.
I got you hard
right now, didn't I?
That one was free.
You pay next month.
So now I have to tell
my son what I'm doing.
I have a grown son.
So I call my son up and I say,
"Honey, I just
want you to know,
Mom has an OnlyFans site."
And he goes, "I know,
my friends told me about it.
They would like
an autographed training bra."
So now I have merch.
And I think I speak
for all of you
this past year and everything.
The worst part of lockdown
for me was not seeing my son
and not seeing our families.
Do you agree with me
on this?
Yes. Yeah.
And I didn't see
my son for like three--
Those first three months
in New York City,
I did not see him, okay?
So finally, after three months
I call him up and I'm like,
"Honey, I have to come see you.
I'm going to rent a car
and I'm going to
bring you supplies."
By the way, I live in Manhattan.
He lives in Brooklyn.
It's not that fucking far, okay?
'Cause you know, all right.
I said, "The only thing
is, Dave,
is that I'm going to have
to use your bathroom.
I'm going to go have to pee
because I'm an old woman."
I, you know, because you know,
I'm an old woman, okay?
I pee all--
I'm peeing right now.
Don't fucking look!
Stop looking!
My son says to me,
"Mom, we're,
my roommates and I,
we're in a quarantine bubble.
You will not be able
to use my bathroom."
What? Exactly.
I was like, "Whoa, okay,
so let me get this straight.
I, I carried you
for nine months.
You peed in me.
And I can't use your...?
All right."
I didn't go.
I was so mad at him, right?
So over the summer restrictions
were a little bit lifted.
He calls me because,
"Mom, I spoke to my roommates.
Please come visit.
Please bring supplies.
You can use my bathroom."
So I went and I got the car.
And when I got up
to his apartment,
I peed right on his
fucking kitchen floor.
And then I filmed it
for my OnlyFans site.
Thank you so much.
You've been great.
Thank you, thank you,
thank you.
I never thought of myself
as a female comic.
I just thought
of myself as a comic.
I don't think you had to deal
with a lot of the bullshit.
I think everyone just,
she came out
of the fucking gate respected.
So what,
why do you think that is?
My jokes?
Wow, thank you.
Somebody just hugged me
so hard backstage,
I can skip my next mammogram.
They also said I was
dressed like a realtor.
I don't know.
I don't have a lot of clothes,
but I have two sets
of everything
because my weight fluctuates.
So like I have a little black
dress with spaghetti straps
and then a larger black dress
with lasagna straps.
It smells good in here.
Can you smell my perfume?
It's channel five.
I got it at the dollar store.
So during the pandemic
I developed something
called Amazon-nesia.
And that's when you get
a box and you're like,
"What did I order?"
And then I'm like, "I don't
remember ordering that."
Evidently one night I bought
six coffee table books
about minimalism.
I'm already minimal, I don't
even have a coffee table.
But I'm minimal because
somebody gave me a book,
people give me books,
called "The Life Changing
Magic of Tidying Up."
My housekeeper gave it to me.
Basically it says, get rid
of everything in your house
that doesn't bring you joy.
So, I immediately
got rid of the book.
But then it made sense.
'Cause you know what you like.
And it was just about
being honest with myself
about what I liked.
So I got rid of so much stuff,
of my husband's.
Comic books, baseball cards,
you know, junk.
I kept all my books though.
My mom gave me
a book called,
oh, it's fiction...
"The Joy of Cooking."
I am not a good cook.
Even my dogs are like,
"We'll eat out tonight."
My food has a before taste.
So um...
I didn't know how
that one was gonna go.
Someone gave me a book called
"The Power of Silence."
My husband gave it to me.
My husband is
the funniest human.
He sexted me recently,
you know,
sent me a picture
to turn me on, you know?
It was a picture of him
emptying the dishwasher.
Oh, I see some of my friends!
At my age, that's what
it's all about, right?
Being able to see.
No, but I've always,
growing up I had these
thick Coke bottle glasses,
but they were
the knockoff kinds.
They were RC Cola.
Now everything outside
of my car is in my blind spot.
And even my hindsight
isn't 2020.
But at this point,
I can see what's important.
Cash.
No, friends.
Friends and family.
And spending cash...
...time with them, I meant.
And health is important.
Health is, you know, if you
have your health, right?
I have to go to my doctor soon.
'Cause I've been feeling
attracted to him.
I'm married, but before I was
married, I dated a doctor.
He was one of those doctors
without boundaries.
Health, health,
eating healthier.
I've been eating healthier.
I have to say,
when I eat healthier,
I feel so much hungrier.
But we've been eating fish.
My favorite are
Goldfish pretzels.
Those are...
Yeah.
So my dogs keep me healthy.
Pets keep me healthy.
Or keep you healthy.
They're important.
We have two Jindos.
That's the breed.
We rescued them.
I saw a Cockapoo
in Beverly Hills
wearing Crest White Strips
and skinny black jeans.
There should be
a clothing store for dogs
called Forever Three.
'Cause in dog years...
Thank you.
One gentleman.
When we rescued our dogs,
the people told us
that they were four years old.
And then the vet said,
based on their teeth,
they were at least eight.
And I'm like, wow.
In Los Angeles, they even lie
about how old their dogs are.
So I am 56.
I turned 56 in February.
Thank you!
And since then,
I forget everything.
Like that I'm 60.
Now when a guy is staring
at my breasts, I'm like,
"Hey buddy, they're
down there actually."
I am old enough to remember
when you could smoke on a plane.
I mean, you can still do it now,
but they fine you
$2,200, I found out.
I am 60 years old.
The only thing I mind is that,
other than that society
thinks that, you know,
I'm not important
and my life is over,
and I feel like I'm just
starting my second act
as a librarian in Maine.
The only thing I mind is
that I started getting
an old ladies clothing catalog
that I didn't subscribe to.
And it upset me.
That I love the tunics.
They're reversible!
But fuck it.
I'm 60.
That's my new mantra.
I will buy Crepe Erase
and a walk-in tub,
and the pickleball racket
and compression socks,
and a case of Ensure,
and one of those HurryCanes,
and a statement necklace
from Chico's.
Fuck it.
I'm 60.
And I'm not apologizing anymore.
I love myself now.
Well, I, I can stand myself.
35 years of therapy later.
You know what?
I still wish I didn't
procrastinate as much.
Like I just did
the ice bucket challenge.
And I wish I could
fall asleep better.
'Cause, like once I'm asleep,
I could sleep through anything.
Like I once slept
through college.
But it, it's hard for me.
It takes me a long time
to fall asleep.
'Cause I'm always worried.
I'm worried about
like nuclear war
and did I buy
too many forever stamps?
And then I wonder silly things.
Like why does my raincoat
say "dry clean only."
Who builds the Ikea stores?
Why isn't there
an 82 cent store for women,
since that's what
we make on the dollar?
And isn't cobbler
just fucked up pie?
But I can stand myself.
I can stand myself
and I'll leave you with this.
I-- a couple of years ago,
I was hit by a car.
I know, I was walking
on my treadmill.
No, I was crossing the street.
I was hit by a car.
I woke up.
I didn't know where I was.
I knew I wasn't at home because
somebody was vacuuming and...
...wasn't me.
And I was in the hospital.
I had one broken leg
and two broken feet
and it took me
a long time to heal.
But I couldn't have
done it without
my friends and family
keeping me laughing.
And I realized
life is so fragile
and I should switch to Geico.
The guy had a great policy.
Thank you so much
for listening to me.
I feel like
people aren't honest
with what getting
older is about.
There is a moment where you go
from the day that you walk
into Starbucks and somebody
opens the door for you.
And then they might even say,
"Oh, let me buy you
your coffee,"
to like the next day
you are fucking invisible
and no one will ever buy you
free coffee ever, ever again.
Let alone a martini.
Hi, thank you so much!
Wow!
Wow!
Boy!
Thank you so much!
Well, I am so excited
to be here tonight.
Part of this show,
Funny Women of a Certain Age.
I figure in 10 or 15 years,
I'm really going to
need their advice.
I was kind of offended at first.
You know, like when AARP
started sending me stuff.
They sent a tote, like it was
filled with coupons to Denny's
and LensCrafters.
Like I want to advertise my age
by carrying around some
cheap canvas bag with
a giant AARP logo.
I mean, it might as well say,
"Aging Arthritic
Repulsive Person."
On a scale of one
to varicose veins...
I think I'm doing all right
for 36 plus 20.
I'm 56.
Thank you.
I don't know if you're clapping
because I can still wear heels
or because you've never seen
an actress do math.
Confidence can be
elusive as we age.
You know, part of us
is wise enough
to just not take any more shit.
And part of us looks in the
mirror while putting on makeup
and wonders, "Why bother?"
Because middle-age makeup
is a full-on craft project.
Scrape, spackle,
sand, patch, fill,
tape, lift, coat,
smooth, spray,
yeah, and then
you can put on lipstick.
I used to buy
my makeup at Sephora.
Now I get it in bulk
at Michael's.
No, it's basically papier-mache
on my face right now.
You could feel it.
Well, you might remember me
from an episode of Seinfeld
that I did that had
a very famous tagline.
They're real
and they're spectacular.
I mean, now they're still real.
And I would argue
still spectacular,
if you're attracted
to tube socks filled with sand,
hanging from a scarecrow.
But you know, hardly any of us
are real anymore.
I mean, just look at Instagram.
Like we all are filled
with fake boobs and fake butts.
Fake teeth.
Like we're so fake
that when we do finally
end up in a casket,
we probably won't even rot.
Or hundreds of years from now,
they'll be digging up
little sparkling veneers
and deflated plastic sacks,
wondering,
"Was this a cemetery
or a Party City?"
Yeah.
Aging while female is not
for the faint of heart.
I mean, wine of a certain age
is considered rare,
and grapes of a certain age
are considered raisins,
and women of a certain age
are not considered
in Hollywood at all.
Cheers.
I have three 18-year-old cats,
one 12-year-old dog,
and a car from 1978.
We're all just waiting around
to see who dies first.
I was one of those folks
that rescued a dog during COVID.
Yeah, mine came with poor
eyesight and a collapsed anus.
Ooh.
Yeah.
But so did I.
Yeah. Now I can barely
read my texts anymore.
I mean, most people
hear 69 and think sex.
I think font size.
And I have got to be the
only actress in Hollywood
who actually had plastic
surgery on my butthole,
instead of my face.
Anal fissures brought
on by pregnancy.
No, don't feel sorry for me.
My asshole just made
Maxim's Hot 100.
All of this to say,
I've become a cliche.
An old lady with too many
cats, who's also single.
Living alone, I
guess it, you know,
it really hasn't been
easy on me or my sex life.
Although, it's not
like it took a pandemic
for my vagina to be on lockdown.
No, even my Alexa knows
that I'm in a dry spell.
She's heard me so often complain
about having no
sex in a long time.
That once I said,
"Alexa, what's the time?"
And she said, "It
has been a long time.
It was so long ago that
iPhones had a charging port
and a headphone jack.
Yes, even the iPhones'
holes were being
more occupied than yours."
Some would call
that Alexa spying,
but I call it finally getting
some goddamn attention.
Now for my birthday,
she sent me chocolates
and a 10 speed dildo.
With batteries!
I will admit to you that I
am indeed on a dating app.
Well and, not just one.
I'm on Raya, Elite
Singles, and Bumble,
and Celebrities Who
Once Fucked James Bond,
MacGyver and Superman,
But Can't Find a Date
So Have Been Single
for Years.com.
But I do worry that
if you don't use it,
you lose it.
That's what they say.
I know that applies to
my brain and my biceps.
I'm wondering if it
includes my clitoris.
Has my vagina gotten
old, like the rest of me?
Does it meet Botox or fillers?
It definitely needs filling.
How dry is it?
Could we hold Burning Man
in there next year?
These were questions
I needed answered.
I needed my gynecologist
to go down on me.
So I'm in his office
and I'm lying there with
my legs up in the stirrups
and he's rooting around.
And I finally get up
the nerve to ask him,
"Uh, doctor, does
it look like a guy
would have a good
time in there?"
He peeked his head up
over the sheet
that was covering my lap.
And he said, "Teri, you have
a totally average vagina."
Well, does he mean average,
like 49% of women
have better vaginas
and 49% of women
have worse vaginas?
Or does he mean
average like a C,
because I'm not a C student,
and I certainly don't intend
to start with my vagina.
Like, he said he
meant it like it was
just perfectly, normally,
functionally fine.
And I'm, you know,
I'm an honest gal.
So that is how I
introduce myself now.
Hi, I'm Teri. I have a
totally average vagina.
Even my mother, my
86 year old mother,
called me the other
day, so excited.
"Teri, your father and I have
met the most amazing man.
He's single. He used to be a
pilot and he speaks Russian."
So then she said
to me four words
that made me consider
legally emancipating myself,
even though I'm in my 50s.
"Here, talk to him."
Ooh!
Oh yeah.
So, right, you can,
you can picture,
you can picture me going,
"Uh, no, no, no, no Mom, no.
What are you doing? Mom,
Mom, don't hand the phone!
Please don't hand
the phone to..."
"Hello, Teri.
This is Pete,"
or whatever the fuck he said.
I don't remember because
my head was spinning.
My heart was pounding.
My palms were sweaty.
I felt like I was
somewhere between a stroke
and a grizzly attack.
I squeaked out an
awkward, "Hello."
"Teri Hatcher," he
said, "This is so cool!
Your mom's told
me all about you!"
Okay. So let's recap.
I am talking to
a total stranger.
He knows exactly who I am.
Exactly what I look like.
He could have even
masturbated to me
at some point in his life.
It's true. I've been
around a long time.
I said, "Pete, I'm
sure you can appreciate
that this has caught
me a little off guard.
How exactly did
you meet my mom?"
"Oh, we just bumped into
each other in Costco."
Oh my God.
Is my mom just strolling
down the aisles of Costco,
like telling everyone that
her world famous daughter
is so pathetically
in need of a date
that she'll just hand
out my number to any man
without a wedding ring.
I hear my mom in
the background, yelling,
"Speak Russian to her!"
I mean the only thing
Russian I want right now
is a case of vodka.
I said, "Pete, could you put
my mom back on the phone?"
She told me she was texting me
a picture.
I got the picture.
Actually, Pete was kind of cute.
But then I looked closer.
I zoomed in on the photo
and I could see
that he was wearing
a Costco name tag.
Oh, my whole career,
tabloids have made me
a headline of some kind,
sometimes on a red carpet,
pumping gas, but lately,
lately, now
the headline is,
"Have You Seen Her Lately?"
Wow.
She's really aged.
Ooh.
What happened to her?
Really?
Yeah.
Well, I'll tell you.
I'll tell you
what happened to me.
I got married.
I got divorced.
I had a hit TV show.
I did some movies.
I got married again.
I grew a baby inside me.
I moved to New York.
I took a toddler on the subway.
I got divorced again.
I had another hit TV show.
I won some awards.
I raised money for charities.
I went to cooking school.
I won Chopped and
The Great British Bake-Off.
I ran two marathons.
I parented a beautiful human.
I cared for aging parents.
I took care of friends.
Friends took care of me.
I taught myself to play piano
and I survived celibacy
for a fucking year
alone in a pandemic.
So, yeah, life.
That's what happened to me.
Thank you guys so much!
You have been
way more than average!
Good night!
When you get onstage,
it doesn't matter who the hell
you're following, you own it.
You own that stage.
I got to tell you,
I've walked into clubs
and you know, it's,
they'll still look at the guide
and go, "Are you the headliner,"
looking at the feature!
And I'm like,
"I'm your headliner."
And then I prove it.
Whoo!
I'm loving this.
Can I share something
with y'all?
I went to my doctor last week
and he said no caffeine,
no fatty foods,
no alcohol.
I said, no copay.
Not paying to hear heresy, sir.
I really just wanted
to do this the easy way.
Right? I wanted to get some
Botox, some liposuction.
But what's in the budget
is self-acceptance.
So, you know, I,
I went shopping,
just to buy a couple
of things that, that fit
and I, I forgot
how frustrating that is.
Right?
Like I still, I still
don't understand
why women's clothes
start at size zero.
You're not a size zero,
if people can see you.
It doesn't help that I'm, I'm
at that awkward age right now
where police officers are
starting to look really young.
Y'all, I saw one little cop
the other day.
He looked so young I thought
he was trick or treating.
I was like, "Hey, little boy,
you want some candy?"
I got arrested.
But you know, it's hard
to tell how old somebody is
just by looking at them, right?
Like, like for old people,
everybody younger than them
is a millennial.
For young people,
everybody older than them
fought in the Civil War.
For me, any Black dude over 70
is a Tuskegee Airman.
Like whenever
I see one I'm like,
"Oh my God, thank you
for your service!"
You know, I'm learning that,
that we don't age
all at once, right?
Different body parts age faster
than others, right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Like my taste buds?
Still tasting.
My colon?
Not a team player.
But different parts of the body
age faster than
others, right?
Like my heart?
Still young.
My knees?
Ooh!
Hoo-hoo!
Apparently my knees walked
to freedom with Harriet Tubman.
Y'all, I call my knees
the Middle East.
Because no matter what
I do, there's no peace.
My, my doctor, my doctor
told me to take Osteo Bi-Flex.
And it works, right?
Like I don't hear my knees
cracking anymore, right?
But now I'm afraid that's
'cause I'm losing my hearing.
But I will, I will
admit to you guys
that age is a touchy subject
for me, right?
'Cause there's a, there's
a TV show called Younger, right?
Where in order to
find and keep a job,
a white woman in her 40s
pretends to be in her 20s.
Because white women age so well?
See, I don't understand
how the star of that show
is not a Black woman.
Aging well is what we do.
I mean, c'mon.
Angela Bassett is 209.
I'm 87!
Actually, you know what?
I was, I was taught
that it's impolite
to ask a woman her age, right?
But it happens.
So now whenever a man
asks me how old I am,
I ask him if he's good in bed.
See, that way we both know
we're about to lie.
You know what,
how about, how about this?
How about, because it
really tells you nothing
substantive about who I am
regarding age.
I just say
I'm a seasoned woman.
Which basically means
I'm delicious.
And I'm probably gonna
raise your blood pressure.
Real talk though.
Real talk.
I don't, I don't
like sharing my age
because I feel like it
gives people another way
to discriminate against me.
Right?
Like I got the hang of racism
and sexism, I got that.
Now you throw in ageism,
now I'm Trinity in the Matrix.
And I just took
the red pill, right?
I mean, one of my
biggest fears is
that I will be
brutally murdered.
It will make the news.
And they will say my age.
Leighann Lord, 87.
So it's not bad enough
that I'm dead.
But now the whole world knows
that I am four score
and seven.
Thank you, Anderson Cooper.
That's a lot of
self-esteem, right?
To think that my murder
will make CNN primetime?
Shout out to my vision board.
I got to tell y'all,
according to my vision board,
tomorrow me is amazing.
All right,
she gonna get up early.
She gon' eat right.
She gon' exercise
and be married to Jason Momoa.
And you know what?
If, if anyone in here doesn't
know who Jason Momoa is,
let, let me fill
that void in your life.
Jason Momoa is the actor
who played Aquaman.
Yeah, yes, even the men
are moist now.
I saw the movie and I
was a little confused
because somebody told me
that Aquaman had a plot.
I don't remember that.
I remember Jason Momoa
came on screen,
two hours and 22 minutes later,
I knew how to swim.
Now I, I really wasn't into
the whole superhero thing
until I saw Black Panther.
Y'all, I saw Black Panther
opening weekend.
And I had not seen that many
happy Black people
in one place since
election day, 2008.
The line, the line to get
into the theater was so long.
I got excited.
I was like, are we voting?
What?
One of my, one of my favorite
lines from Black Panther is,
"Be silent, colonizer."
Ooh.
That's how I be getting
through these Zoom meetings.
And that's how you teach
critical race theory.
But my, my favorite
superhero movie is Harriet.
Yes, the movie about
Harriet Tubman.
Yes.
And I'll tell you
the part of the film that,
that really moved me,
is when she escapes,
she's free, she goes back home
one year later
to rescue her husband
and finds that he is already
married to another woman.
Now to her credit,
she took it well.
I did not.
Because I was like, if that
had happened to Harriet Tubman,
that could happen to me.
I leave.
I come back.
He's married.
Talkin' 'bout,
"Baby, I didn't know
where you went.
I didn't know
how long you'd be gone."
Motherfucker, I went to work.
I left this morning.
I have to tell you guys,
I was incredibly thrilled
and honored to be invited
to do this show.
Because women, we are,
we are 52% of the population.
Right? But we only make
85 cents on the dollar.
That's why I don't feel bad
about shoplifting.
Now Black women,
we only make
65 cents on the dollar.
Right? Right.
So that means if I told a joke
that you didn't like,
that's 'cause I only wrote
65% of it.
Now I know 65%, that doesn't
sound too bad, right?
But in, in fairy tale terms,
that's Snow White
and the Four and a Half Dwarfs.
That is insufficient.
I need a full set of Dwarfs.
Yes.
One for each appendage.
Like Grumpy, Happy,
Dopey, Doc,
Sleepy, Sneezy...
Bashful.
Stop crying, Bashful.
You know what it is.
But I wanna, I want to ask
y'all a question before I go.
By round of applause,
round of applause,
how many of you here would agree
that time is money?
Applaud if you believe
time is money.
So then I have a proposal.
If they're not going to pay me
all my money on the dollar,
then I have to take back
my time, right?
So that 12-hour shift
is now eight,
nine to five is nine to two,
and my weekend starts
on Wednesday.
All those in favor, say aye.
Aye!
The ayes have it.
The motion carries.
And the Senator from Wakanda
reclaims her time.
Thank you.
Good night.
So I'm in Dyersburg, Tennessee,
at a place called Checkers.
And had advertised me
as XXX.
So I got a guy in the front row
and he just keeps saying,
"Are you ever taking
your clothes off?"
Because he thought it was
like comedy strip show
'cause of the XXX.
-Oh no.
-Yeah.
And I just looked at him.
I said, "Dude,"
I was much heavier, I said,
"If I spin around a pole,
I'll strike oil,
ya dumb bastard."
Wow, thank you!
What a great response!
I only know one way
to respond to that.
Thank you!
Well, first of all,
I'm delighted to be here.
I'm delighted to be out
because I've been locked up
for 14 months with no wiener.
I've been alone in my
house for 14 months.
It's been amazing.
In fact, I'm pretty sure
my hymen's grown back.
Right before a lockdown,
you know what I had?
The hang and bang.
The hang and bang.
Dick, Netflix and some
breakfast burritos.
That was it.
Right?
'Cause I was dating
little dudes.
So I gotta be honest
with you, that you know,
when you date much younger
people as a woman,
it's not fun.
Because for women,
sex is mental.
You want to get into our bed,
you got to get into our head.
You got to smell nice.
You got to dress good.
You got to play good music.
Little dudes don't do that.
They don't, you know
what they think they do?
They get manscaped.
I don't want to see that.
All shaved down there
like a little baby bird.
I don't want to see that.
I want to see a man,
a real man.
You're a man.
I'm not flirting,
but he's age appropriate.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
But I'm a woman
of a certain age.
I want, you're in man pants.
You're in pants
with a fly and a button.
You're not sitting there
in jeggings.
A little moose knuckle.
No, you're a grown-ass man.
They can fix shit.
You got tools, don't you?
You got tools.
Look at him.
He's like, yeah.
I'm moist as a Bundt cake.
I'm not flirting,
but that's so sexy.
Sexy!
I'm looking at you,
little dude, not interested.
You know what I mean?
You're cute.
You're cute.
You know what's good about
dating a guy like him?
You don't have to break up
with him, you don't.
You just stop buying groceries.
You know what I mean?
They're like giant
entitled raccoons.
Who needs that?
I want a real man.
I want to-- I think I dated
young, strong, virile men
because I thought that that
was accomplishment, success.
That you could protect me,
but it's not.
I want spiritual success.
I want real accomplishment.
Saggy balls.
I want saggy balls.
That's wisdom, my man.
It's like rings
on a tree, baby.
I believe in like
envisioning what you want,
deciding what you want.
I've given him a name.
Larry.
You know with like
a little Jew fro,
maybe like a bald spot in the
back he covers with hairspray.
The universe loves specificity.
The Larr Bear.
He golfs.
Maybe he's got a black Tesla.
You know what I mean?
You know those guys,
those little wiry fucks.
You know those
little wiry, hairy guys
that looked like they
were like dipped in glue
and rolled in pubes.
You know those guys.
I want that guy.
I've had a lot of time
to think about this.
I've been alone 14 months.
I'm like a free range chicken.
I just let everything go.
My hair grew out.
Fuck it.
That's what brown magic
marker's for, I don't care.
Yeah.
My little waxer.
I don't miss that little bitch.
Ripping my pubes out
from the roots.
Fuck her.
I'm not going back.
I look like I have
Colin Kaepernick
in a thigh lock.
I'm not--
I don't care!
I don't care.
No, I'll take some scissors
to it soon.
You know what I mean?
And then I'm going analog.
I'm going BIC razor and Nair,
and who wears short shorts,
but I'm not ready yet.
It was like feng shui.
If you build it,
they will come.
You know what I mean?
Like I'm not ready yet.
I'm gearing up
for the Larr Bear.
I'm excited about--
I believe in this stuff.
I believe in manifesting.
And I've had a lot of time
to CSI my life.
Yeah, I've been married
and divorced three times.
Fuck it.
I don't care.
There's no shame in my game.
It's better to be divorced
than plotting someone's death
in their sleep, okay?
That's true.
'Cause the little dudes,
it's different
because it's not fulfilling.
Because for women,
like I said before,
sex is mental and we have
different types of the Big O
and it's been so long since
I've had like a big, Big O.
Am I embarrassing you?
No, because you don't,
you don't even know
what I'm talking about.
That's why you're
not embarrassed.
No, I thought about it.
I thought about it.
Like, like men have
one type of the Big O.
It's just like a sneeze,
like a delicious
ahh-choo, like that.
I love the way women laugh.
Like, "Tell them, Monique,
tell them!
Tell them!"
Women get dicky drunk.
You know, women.
We do, we get dicky drunk.
We get, we get drunk
from the wiener.
When you have,
when you have one
Big O, you know,
first of all,
you know how you know
that it was like
the one big one?
She giggles when she's done.
She goes, "hee hee,"
like that.
And then we get out of bed
and we like wobble.
Not just 'cause
our knees are weak,
but because we're
under the influence
of an entire experience
of you trying to make us happy.
When we run into a door
that's been there for ten years.
Someone with
a lump on her head
right there in the front row.
Amen.
Can I get a witness?
Yeah. Yeah!
That never happened
with the little dudes.
Never happened with
the little dudes.
And you can't train them.
It takes too long.
And I tell my nieces this.
I have little nieces,
little bitches.
I love them.
No, I love them.
But I call him that sometimes
because they make me feel old.
My, my nieces,
they come up to me.
They go, "Auntie Monique,
tell us what it was like
in the 1900s."
Like it's fuckin' Downton Abbey
and me,
you know what I mean?
But I want them to learn things
because it doesn't matter
if it's a career
or even just a job,
or a relationship, or sex,
whatever it is,
we've lost our ability
to appreciate
deferred gratification.
That we can't get what we want
in the exact second
that we want it.
And life was sweeter when
you had to wait for things.
I tell them about layaway.
They thought
it was a dating app.
But I tell them things that
they need to know how fortunate
they are to live in a world
of miracles, you know?
They love my mom.
They call her Abuelita.
They go, "Abuelita's so sweet.
"Abuelita bought me a device.
Abuelita did this.
Abuelita did that."
I go, "You want me to tell
you a secret about Abuelita?"
They're like, "Yeah."
I go, "She used to beat me
in grocery stores."
I just like to throw them off.
Remember that?
Remember when you
could hit your kids?
My nieces have
never been spanked.
They have no idea what it is
to take a beat down
in the produce department.
Nobody takes pictures
or calls CPS.
Hell no.
They don't do that.
They join in in the beat down.
They're like,
"I heard what that kid said.
That's a lippy little bitch.
Hit her harder."
But I digress.
They love music.
We love music.
We share a love of music.
They're so adorable
because I'm trying
to make like a,
like a mixtape,
like what they call
them, a playlist.
Now it's a playlist.
Playlist, you know?
'Cause I like putting it
out there to the universe
that I'm making
a Larr Bear love tape.
It's hard.
It's hard, 'cause all the people
that I used to like
to hump to are dead.
It's true.
I got used to Marvin Gaye
of course, but you know,
everybody went down, you know,
Prince, Michael Jackson,
Donna Summer, Natalie Cole,
it just keeps going.
George Michael, bam, bam,
Luther Vandross, bam.
And my little nieces are like,
"Well you can, you can
do it to Ed Sheeran."
No, you can't,
he's a little redheaded Muppet.
I can't have sex to him.
Sexy.
But we talk a lot about music.
We do.
That's where we,
you find the commonality.
You find the things you both
love, you find touch points,
and then you can have
real conversations with people.
And I find
that my nieces and I,
we can always unite
over music.
So I, I talked to them a lot
about how much it
used to mean to me
to put together mixtapes.
And they're like,
"How does that work?
We've heard of the mixtapes
from the 1900s."
I said, "Well, well,
little sweethearts.
We used to listen
to music on a radio.
That's a box with two
metal sticks sticking out."
And they know like download
speeds and coverage and 5G.
I'm like, "Oh no,
the radio didn't even work
in every room in the house."
You had to unplug it
and move it around
and whatever room you left it
there and turned it up loud.
And no matter what
you were doing,
you would listen
with half an ear.
And the DJ would say,
"Coming up next,
Salisbury Hill
by Peter Gabriel,"
and you would haul ass
to your bedroom
and you would grab
your Radio Shack recorder
and back it up to the speaker.
And then you would just wait,
hovering like a bird of prey
with your two fingers.
Hoping the DJ would
shut the fuck up.
Right now in my apartment
in Hollyweird, California,
I have a box of mixtapes
from '84 to '88.
And I say, Hollyweird, 'cause
even though I've lived here
since 1996, I'm originally
from Miami, Florida.
And by the way,
I'm 100% Latina.
So if you have any stereotypes
about Latinos, I know,
I know, I look like
a middle-aged white woman
with good credit, but I'll
shank a bitch, I don't care.
I will.
If I have to.
But in my apartment
in Hollywood,
I have a box of mixtapes
and it's pretty amazing.
It brings back so many memories
of making them.
But I have a 90-minute miracle
I made in the summer of 1986.
That one really took some time.
And, and it starts
with Jungle Love
by Steve Miller Band.
Yeah, that's a jam.
That's a jam.
I met you on
somebody's island
That's a line, "I met you
on somebody's island."
That's some sexy shit!
What would the kids say now?
I swiped left and we
hooked up at Pinkberry.
Like what kind of song is that?
"I met you on somebody's island.
I thought I had
known you before."
That's sexy.
"I brought you a crate
of papayas."
Have you ever had a papaya,
little dude?
That's some delicious shit
right there, delicious.
If you did that now, a girl
be like, "Crate of papayas?
That's a creeper move.
You left me fruit
on my front porch?
Ya freak.
Are they non-GMO papayas?
Organic?"
I hope I meet the Larr Bear
and he brings me
a crate of papayas.
In his black Tesla.
I'm telling you I've got
it down, I've got it down.
I can picture him.
He's in a suit.
He's got on a shirt with some
white chest hair sticking out.
You know what I mean?
Like that.
It's true, I want
a grown man in man pants
that's not manscaped.
When he drops trou, I want it
to look like a buzzard
hanging out of his nest
on a cliff wall.
You're picturing it right now.
But I'm going to leave you
with my three best pieces
of advice.
After more than 50 years
on this planet.
And I've really had a lot
of time to think about it,
14 months all by myself.
And this is what
it comes down to.
Number one, love hard.
Your heart is a muscle.
Even if you're loving
the wrong person,
consider it cardio
for your spirit.
I got news for you, you're
never loving the wrong person.
You're just preparing
for the righter person.
If anybody knows
the Larr Bear,
you know, little Jew fro.
Number two, forgive harder,
because when you forgive,
all your power
comes back to you.
And one of the things
about the 'Rona
was I had a lot of time
to reconnect with people.
And I know some of them
were thinking,
"Did she forget that we had
that fight in high school?
Is she up to some
ninja revenge?"
No, I forgot.
Forgive harder.
All your power
comes back to you.
And number three,
if we've learned anything,
get as happy as you can
as fast as you can.
It's nobody's job, but yours.
Thank you. Good night.
Bless you.
I mean, when I started,
they structured the show
with a male headliner,
a host to MC,
to open the show,
and a novelty act.
Ahh.
And the novelty act
was either a juggler
or an impressionist
or a woman.
Wow.
We were considered novelty acts.
-How adorable.
-Yeah.
I don't even know
if it was conscious.
I just know that it happened.
Oh, wow.
Thank you.
Well, I guess
that's my show.
Thank you.
Good night.
Hi, my name is
Marsha Warfield.
But you can call me
Your Highness.
I'm so honored to be here
with all my bitches.
Got my stable with me.
I am the senior member
of this crew.
Yes I am.
I am the same age
as Oprah Winfrey.
Yes I am. We were born
a couple of years apart.
That's not true.
We were born a couple
of months apart
in the year of Brown vs.
The Board of Education.
So we grew up with
the civil rights movement.
And it shapes
your whole perspective.
It was on TV all the time.
It was part
of dinnertime conversation.
It was in school.
It was in church.
It was everywhere.
I still remember the slogans
from back then.
Like, free at last.
We shall overcome.
Y'all gonna get us all killed.
Them white folks gon'
be mad, you know.
But Oprah has famously said
that 60 is the new 30.
Oprah's a damn liar.
60's the same fucking 60
it's always been.
It's the number after 59.
You can't get from 59 to 30.
That don't even make
no fucking sense.
It makes you wonder,
how much money
do you have to have
to get your own math?
And it don't even make--
people need to stop
with all that,
"this is the new that."
They got 90-year-old people.
90 is the new 80.
Twelve is the new four,
four is the new toddler.
What the fuck?
Orange is not the new black.
If it was, Donald Trump
would be head of NAACP.
But I wish I had Oprah math.
You would see me
in the grocery store,
they'd be like, "That's $412."
And I'd be, "Uh-uh.
Not by my math.
Way I figured
you owe me $2.22.
But keep the change,
I like you."
But that's power.
To be able to change
the whole definition of old.
Come on, when me and Oprah
were kids, 60 was old as fuck.
If somebody told you
they was 60, you got sad.
You'd be like, "Aww!
But I like you."
And Oprah got 60,
ain't nobody 60.
You ain't 60.
Ain't nobody old.
That's amazing power.
I wish I had
that kind of power.
Oprah got bread
ain't got no calories.
You remember when she
was talking about,
"I eat bread every day.
Lost 22 pounds."
You's a damn liar.
No you didn't.
I smell bread
every day, gain 40.
I can gain 22 pounds
looking at food.
And I was trying
to lose weight
because we have this idea if
we lose weight, we'll lose age.
You'll feel like
a 22-year-old.
You's a damn liar!
No I won't!
I'll just be
a skinny-ass old person.
But when, you know,
summer was coming,
you know, you get conditioned.
So if you start
trying to lose weight
so you can have that
summer body, you know?
And I was working
real hard at it, I was.
And then one day,
when I was pulling some skin
off some chicken...
...it dawned on me.
And I'm like, "Fuck."
They make bigger clothes.
So you should have
seen me wrapping
that skin back
around that chicken.
I got some bacon
and some toothpicks.
I got some cheese.
I fried that shit.
Because like every woman,
I do have an inner skinny woman.
You know, we all have that
inner skinny woman who nags us.
You know, I know I do
because I ate her.
That bitch tried to get between
me and the refrigerator...
on one of them
midnight munchie runs.
I'm like, "Uh-uh,
that's your ass."
But I've gotten to where
I accept my weight
and I don't want
to lose weight
because I'm old.
And if I'ma waste away
to nothing,
I want it to take
a long fucking time.
But as the senior member
of this crew,
I have to tell you
a couple of secrets.
One, your grandmother's a freak.
It's true.
People think--
See, we're the generation
that invented sex,
drugs, and rock and roll, okay?
Right?
And we are still
sexing and drugging
and rocking and rolling.
It's just now we have
to take drugs so we can sex
and rock and roll,
but that's not the point.
People have this weird idea
that old ladies,
just, just sit around, rocking,
thinking about cookie recipes
for children.
Let me tell you something,
your grandmother
could give a shit about
your children and your cookies.
We don't care.
We taught you how
to make cookies,
so you should have brought us
some fucking cookies.
That's what you shoulda did.
And if I'm sitting
around rocking,
I might be sitting
on something.
Uh baby, don't pay no attention
to that buzzing noise.
That's the refrigerator.
It does that when it's full.
'Cause granny got a Magic Wand.
You know what
I'm talking about, right?
Yeah.
Looks like this.
She keeps it in her nightstand
up under the night gowns
on her side of the bed.
You know what I'm talking about.
You've seen it.
Get you one.
See, you young women,
y'all invest all this money
on all these devices and stuff
that do all
this kind of stuff.
You don't need that.
Get you a old fashioned
Hitachi Magic Wand.
But don't get the one
with the batteries.
You don't want that.
That's annoying.
It's just wimpy, it's just...
Get the one
that plugs in the wall.
That's the one you need.
I will tell you another secret.
You have old people to thank
for recreational marijuana.
That's right, 'cause we've
been smoking reefer
since back when people
was calling it smoking reefer.
And I'm gonna tell
you something.
When your grandmother is
sitting around rocking,
she's fucked up.
Old people still get high.
We be smoking, we like to
get high and play games.
We like to go outside
and get in the way.
Go around, you little shit.
I am gay.
Thank you so much.
And I came out in my 60s.
Came out publicly.
You come out in stages,
you know?
But I came out publicly
in my 60s on Facebook.
'Cause that's what old people
do, we fuck around on Facebook.
Facebook is
the 21st century version
of sitting in the window,
yelling at people.
Get off my page!
Take that shit on the other side
of the Internet.
But growing up,
I didn't know I was gay.
I just knew I was different.
That's what they told me.
They said, "You're different."
Which means they fucking knew.
They didn't tell me.
Do you know how much pussy
I didn't get?
They called me a tomboy,
but I wasn't a tomboy.
I was a baby dyke.
They should have let me
be a baby dyke.
I would have been
a lot happier.
But as I get older and now
that I'm out and stuff,
I find myself new
to the community.
I still don't know
all the gay rules and stuff.
You know, I don't know
even what to call myself.
I mean, you know,
am I butch, stud,
femme, futch, butt,
what the fuck?
Yes, I'm wearing a fedora.
You know, I have
on sensible shoes.
But I'm wearing a bra
and the panties, you know?
I am wearing a strap on,
but that's not the point.
But like I said,
it's hard coming out,
it's hard growing up.
And I found out just recently
that God is a Black woman.
She's tough.
I've talked to her.
She told me to tell you
she's pissed.
It's your fault.
But she also told me that
the world needs to be mothered.
That we've been fathered
long enough.
You know what fathers do.
They fuck mothers.
So we've been
motherfucked for some...
But Carole's a national mom.
We need a national mom.
We do.
Wherever we need somebody
to just take over.
Just somebody, just walk into
Congress and just stand there
and make everybody shut up
and feel guilty.
Who did this?
No, don't be pointing
at each other.
Ain't nobody leaving here
till y'all clean this shit up.
And America,
go to your room
and stay your ass in there
till you learn how to vote.
Like I said, I don't know all,
how to relate as a gay woman.
I don't know all of the rules
and what to call myself,
you know?
I think people
should call me what I am.
A lady snorkeler.
Dive, baby, dive.
Thank you so much.
Take care.
People think
that comedy is so easy.
Oh yeah, it's a breeze.
Start today.
We were always the,
like the dirty girls
or the edgy girls and there
was only a few of us back then.
Exactly.
We told the truth.
We weren't even dirty.
I mean, I tell people,
tell the truth
and wrap it in bacon,
so you'll eat it.
I want to be that person
that, you know,
somebody can look at
and they can go, wow.
If that's how Teri Hatcher's
living, then like,
I feel pretty good
about my life.
We all want to see
each other succeed
because I think Hollywood
has a tendency to say
that we're backbiting.
We do help each other.
And what you have created,
Carole, is magnificent.