Every Thing You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask (1972) Movie Script

Excellent feast!
Soon we will retire
to the royal bedchamber.
But first...
As I have been victorious
in this weekend battle...
I wish to be amused.
Bring me my fool!
Good evening, your Majesty.
It's great to be back here at the palace.
You know what the palace is:
it's 24 living rooms and a dungeon.
But seriously,
I love the King
He's one of the strongest men
here, isn't he?
He's the only one amongst us
that can swim the moat length twice.
I know you're out there.
I can hear you breathing.
But seriouly ladies and germs,
I want to say that...
that plague is really something, isn't it?
doesn't everything look black?
Coz it's a black plague.
Save it up and let me hear it
at the end, big.
I love the new exercise
his Majesty does to keep in shape.
It's called "taxing peasants".
the best thing of...
I can't stand it any longer!
He's not funny!
I've cut men in a half
for making jokes as bad as those.
Bring me a fool that's funny!
the feast is over.
Not funny.
I do a couple of impressions
that you might like, you know...
I'm one of the few guys that can do
the King of France. Not his voice, his walk.
If you haven't noticed
the funny motions when he walks...
going a little bit to the side.
Got a kind of...
Don't everybody burst
into spontaneous applause, on this.
Madame, I beg your puberty.
Beg it not, for thou hast thrown
the royal rubies and emeralds on floor.
I think we'll pick it up, and we spin it
and fain well on my fain.
- Thy pin.
- Yes, extend thy fane, madame.
And I, therefore,
on the knock of your hands. Perfect.
Didst I feel right?
or just I feel that thy two hands
werest upon my royal body?
Madame, not I, surely...
would never lay my hands on the royal tomatoes
in mixed company.
Hark on me, if my husband, the King,
and my son, the doctor...
walketh near upon these private paths...
and heareth what thy sayst
about copping a feel...
thy life would not be worth
a black nickle.
But, madame, so beautiful do they lay,
they're one on either side.
Either side? This way they were made,
fool. Away from me!
I fell on my bells.
or not T.V.?
That is the congestion.
Con-sumption be done about it?
Of cough, of cough.
Oh Jesus!
My jokes grow stale.
I would my life take
for a bare bodkin.
If only I could see
the Queen's bare bodkin...
or anybody's bare bodkin,
for that matter.
Or a bodkin
with little clothes on, even.
I'm so melon-choly.
Guildenstern and Rosencrantz
are dead.
their tailor shop is closed.
Who calls my name?
No one knows I'm here,
not even my service!
I am the ghost of thy father.
My father.
You, who died in childbirth.
I can't rest...
unless thee makest it
with the Queen.
But she is a Queen,
and I a baseborn fool.
I can't screw
above my station.
You must know, my son...
that thy uncle...
my father...
put hemlock in my ear.
Don't ask me why.
He does that with everybody
whenever he sees an ear...
he likes to put hemlock in it.
Oh, father!
See the sorcerer, my son.
The sorcerer!
He's gone.
Do I dare sleep with the Queen?
Will she sleep with me?
Although she sleeps with the King
and he wears leotards.
The sorcerer.
Ah, an aphrodisiac.
Do you want a soft one...
a strong one...
Or one that will... mmmh?
I'd like anything I can get
without prescription.
This, placed softly...
in the Queen's drink...
will make her blood boil.
Her passion unbridled...
- In other words...
- The hots for me.
But be cautious.
For if his Majesty
should get wind of thy intent...
He will cut off
your legs...
your arms...
and your head.
five out of six is not bad.
Now, go.
I think your eggs are done.
- Halt. Who goes there?
- I'm just the fool.
What business have you
in the royal chambers?
I'm just bringing her Majesty
her orange juice.
But why you?
Where is her usual servant?
He lies ill on the kitchen floor with a pox,
a terrible pox all over his socks.
- Get the enter.
- Yes, I'll get in hands, immediately.
Did you like the way
I fooled these guys?
Fool, what doest thy in my chamber?
Madame, I felt if upon a chance you might like a drink.
A nice soothing potion.
Well I do confess a thirst.
Bring it to me.
Yes. Wouldst grab some of this potion
before the fizz goes out.
- Isn't it wonderful?
- It bubbleth greatly.
Bolt some down, my lady.
- Cheerst.
- And roebuck.
It go down bubblest,
but it's fine.
Take it away.
Well, I have to go back now
to the dungeon...
to get the deposit
on the goblet.
Wait. Fool, come here.
I have on me this extraordinary warmth...
that is flowing through my veins,
it makes me wish... nay, longst...
that you run a mark over my entire body
and make love to me now.
- Ravage me and take me now, take me.
- It will be a pleasure.
- Take me now to the bed.
- To the bed?
- And make love to me now.
- Yes, to the bed.
- Lead me there, fool.
- Yes, I am.
For this passion groweth within me.
- Come quickly.
- I cannot walk fast, fool.
- The passion is so big.
- To the bed.
- Take me to the bed.
- Over here.
The potion will be
under the pillow.
So in case you lose your hot,
we can refurbish it.
Come round thy hands upon my body.
I shall,
I shall remind your brakes.
Nay, I need this feel
of naked flesh against flesh.
I'm all out of naked flesh
but would the velvet do?
- Now! Kiss me quick!
- Yes, where is your quick?
- Canst undress me now?
- I am kissing my own arm.
Yes. Up quickly,
and I will remove the royal dress.
Pullst not upon me.
On my feet, fool.
This is not mockery, this is not games.
At last!
What is this?
Heavy underwear.
'Tis the chastity belt
that the jealous King hath fastened on me...
that no man but him
shalst havest the goods of the body.
That's a bad a break for all of us
here at the palace.
Wait, wait here. I will go.
Here. Now, with most grievous dispatch...
I will open the latch
and get through her snatch.
This key is too big
for that lock.
Sorry about that.
I must think of something quickly,
because before you note...
the Renaissance will be here
and we'll all be painting.
- Her Majesty wishes to borrow this.
- What?
Yes, she has some food
stuck between her teeth,
and I need to pull it down.
Forgive me.
This I wanna call "beaver shooting".
Pick this lock.
- So now I am yours.
- At last, the portals of ecstasy.
You have the portals of ecstasy,
haven't you?
Be prepared, his Majesty has this day been awake
from his nap by a loud banging.
- He will clip thee in twin.
- Yes, clip me in twin.
Twin over here and the other twin
on the other side of the room.
On his chopping bock.
Yes, I do not look good in twin.
My suits are all made for a full person.
Then I shall not have this passion fulfilled.
Quickly, lock up the thing
that you have there.
Lock the royal box.
Quickly, before...
- Help me, help me.
- I'm helping, but...
Just done.
Perfect. Closed solid.
More solid than any...
My hand is caught
in the chastity belt.
I always keep my hand
in the cookie jars.
The King,
what shallst we do?
The King?
Yes. Quickly,
comest into the dress immediately.
My Queen!
Where is my Queen?
Very casual,
as though nothing had happened.
Oh my Queen! A noise,
dreadful pounding did awaken me...
making my mood most foul.
My Lord,
you did startle me.
Hi Milord. Be a good King, wouldst thou,
and bring me a drink of water.
The fool haveth mean his jest most graceful
details in thine absence.
Haha Milord, tickling
the royal funny bones, so to speak.
Ay, because you see 'tis most lonely
when thou nappest.
Ay Milord,
for me too.
I still...
don't think he is funny.
I got some new ones
for you, Milord:
what's black and white, black and white,
black and white?
A nun falling down for the stairs.
give me a kiss.
- Course Milord, stick out your tongue.
- Not you!
- I'm leaving.
- I will accompany thee to the door.
At last.
At last we are alone.
Ay, my Lord.
My Lord, I would...
The key.
Where is it?
Ah, here it is.
You tickle me.
Hi, Milord.
Remember you said that if was ever in town
I should look up your wife?
I don't know what
everybody's so upset for.
I never humped her.
Just clean up my neck a little,
leave the top full.
Give me a good "ah".
In this side of my arm,
mostly at night.
I don't notice the impression in daytime,
but at night it bothers me.
I don't want to hurt you
but how far can you raise it?
Mr. Milos
would you come with me, please?
Come in, Mr. Milos.
sit down right over here.
I just want to get
some history first.
- Your name is...
- Stavros Milos.
- And your address?
- Armenia.
- I am from Armenia.
- I'm visiting my brother.
- I see.
- Occupation?
- Shepherd.
- A shepherd?
- My whole family.
Except for my brother over here,
who is a rug salesman.
Have you had
any major illnesses?
None. Good.
So now,
what seems to be the trouble?
I'm in love with a sheep.
I beg your pardon?
I am in love with a sheep.
Ah... I see.
See, doctor. Up there in the mountains
where I tend my flocks...
it's so beautiful
under the starred skies...
and I am alone.
And sometimes I get so lonely.
And the hours pass,
and soon I desire a woman.
But doctor, there are no women.
I'm not married and...
Well, one night,
last summer...
I could stand it no longer.
My body needed to be satisfied.
- And... I saw her
- Who?
- Daisy.
- Sheep?
I took Daisy off
to a little cove...
and there, under the Armenian sky,
we had sexual intercourse.
- With the sheep?
- Naturally.
Oh God!
It was the greatest lay
I ever had.
Mr. Milos, forgive me...
if I seemed all shocked.
I'm sorry.
Doctor, Mrs. Goldblatt is on the phone
about her rupture.
Later, later.
Mr. Milos...
Of course I'm happy
for the two of you...
but I do have
other patients.
And unless there is some...
specific way
that I could help you...
Doctor, please.
One minute.
See, the point is...
she no longer loves me.
That's why I'm here.
Because she's fallen out of love with me.
How can you tell that?
Oh, little things.
She is cold, indifferent.
Speak to her.
She'll listen to you.
Mr. Milos...
you are...
I brought her all the day
from Armenia.
My brother says you are a great doctor.
You saved his life once.
You need a psychiatrist.
I am a medical doctor.
Speak to her, please.
I can't talk to a sheep.
Are you nuts?
She's outside,
in my brother's truck.
Would you get out of my office,
I'm an MD!
I'm not a veterinarian!
I'll bring her in.
Don't bring any sheep in this office!
My mother just got finished paying for it!
Doctor, I am a simple man.
I'm no great man of wisdom.
- My brother says you are a great man.
- I'm not.
I'm just an ordinary GP,
that's all I am.
- I'll get her.
- No, Mr. Milos, what you don't understand.
It's not normal...
to experience mature love
for anything with four legs!
Wait till you meet her.
I can't believe that.
- I can't.
- This prescription isn't working.
I'm sorry, I can't.
Would you sit down?
Would you sit down, Mrs...?
I can't, I'll talk...
Dr. Ross, this is Daisy.
Ah. Good.
Why don't you take her
right into my office.
You'll have to excuse me.
The sheep has...
strip throat.
Mr. Milos, I'm gonna have
to call the police.
Can we talk for a minute?
Mr. Milos, don't put that sheep on my desk, please.
You shouldn't do that.
- Isn't Daisy beautiful?
- Yes, she is beautiful.
Mr. Milos,
you are a very nice man.
I don't want to see
you get down to trouble.
what I don't think
you understand is that...
you have...
a psychiatric problem.
You really need to see a...
someone in
the psychiatry field.
I'm a medical doctor.
I know you didn't mean any harm...
bringing the sheep in here, but...
I have patients, you know?
Kidney problems and...
heart problems, and...
seeing a sheep just like that...
Hello, Daisy.
She is...
I'm doctor Ross.
Doug Ross.
I'd like to see
the two of you again...
but right now, you know
my office is jammed full.
Oh I knew you could help.
Thank you, doctor.
As a matter of fact...
if I could see Daisy alone...
maybe, you know...
- Darling, what's the matter?
- Nothing.
I'm just a little tired,
that's all.
Why don't you turn in early.
What're you doing?
Well, just nothing.
You're not doing just nothing.
You are fondling your landswool sweater.
I was not fondling
my landswool sweater.
What would I do
something like that for?
Well, God knows!
Mr. Milos brought in his sheep.
She's here?
show her in.
Thank you.
You can go.
I know this must all seem
very strange to you.
You're from the hills of Armenia,
and me from Jackson Heights.
And yet...
I think it could work...
if we gave it a chance.
A room, please.
Thank you very much.
Wait a second.
Here you are.
Do you want the "Do Not Disturb" sign
on the door?
No, that's alright.
Ah alright, yes.
Thank you very much.
Room service?
This is Dr. Ross in room 525.
I would like to have
some chilled white Burgundy...
a little caviar,
and some grass.
just plain green grass.
That's 525.
Thank you.
Little Daisy.
Let's be gentle.
I'm... I can't.
I'm exhausted.
that was really something.
I never thought
it could be like this.
Never in my wildest imagination.
You're really something special.
I love our L-shaped room.
I'll never forget these afternoons
we have together.
I don't think I'd ever known
such peace and happiness in my life.
I hope you feel the same way.
Sorry, I'm sorry honey.
I was out when you phoned.
Emergency house call.
Mmmh you smell good.
is it my imagination,
or do you always smell from lamb chops?
What do you mean, lamb chops?
What kind of silly thing is that
to say about lamb chops?
How could I possibly smell of lamb chops?
It's not logical.
What kind of cheap suit is this?
I'm set with these suits.
Ann! Wait a minute. I can explain.
We're just friends!
- How could you?
- This is Mrs. Bencourse.
One of my patients.
She thinks she's a sheep.
That's so.
It's nothing to it.
The defendant did commit
an adulterous act with a sheep.
It's most distasteful in view of the fact
the sheep was under 18 years old.
So what?
So Ann left me. So she's taken all my money,
all my savings.
My license has been revoked.
But I don't care.
If you are willing,
we'll get by somehow.
I'll get a job,
I don't know.
Don't be call me a waiter!
I'm a doctor!
Do you understand?
I am not a waiter! I am a doctor!
Don't call me a waiter!
I'm a doctor!
Say "ah".
Come here.
Break your legs apart.
Could you at least
not have eaten this morning?
It's not what I told.
What kind of a mess is that in there?
"I have finally saved up
enough money...
to come back to America
and take my Daisy home.
You did a terrible thing to me.
But now I've taken Daisy
to the mountains...
where you will never find her.
Stavros Milos."
Ho aspettato tanto questo momento.
Fabrizio, amore mio...
va' piano col mio imene.
Il tuo corpo come una cattedrale.
Ora levati le mutande.
Ti piaciuto?
Non mi sembra
che ti sia divertita.
S, sei stato bravissimo.
Tu eri molto passiva,
come un salmone freddo.
Ma... ti piaciuto?
A me?
stato pi divertente che ridere.
Forse la prossima volta
sar pi rilassata.
ne capisci di frigidezza?
Tutto consiste nell'eccitare
la donna prima di possederla.
Quanto tempo?
Quindici minuti, mezz'ora.
E tua moglie?
Trenta secondi.
Non dirmi che
tua moglie ha dei problemi!
No, non cos.
Ma tu la... la ecciti
prima di metterlo dentro?
Metterlo dentro... cosa?
Oh! No, no.
Non voglio parlare di Gina
come se fosse una puttana.
Da quanto tempo siete sposati?
Sei settimane.
Gioca con lei.
Accarezzala. Eccitala.
sempre colpa dell'uomo. Ogni donna
pu essere portata al godimento.
La settimana scorsa,
nel mezzo del...
Guardava la televisione!
Ma allora devi fare qualcosa di sbagliato!
Ogni donna ha... delle cose differenti.
Cerca di trovare le parti sensibili.
Suo padre me ne ha dato una pianta...
ma purtroppo...
Ora, girati.
S, girati.
Voglio dare uno sguardo
alla parte non vista.
S, eccitare...
Fabrizio, non c' niente
che la Chiesa possa fare per te.
Se io potessi, e con molto piacere,
tenterei di fare arrivare tua moglie.
Ci non possibile.
E allora, tu tenta.
Almeno tu godrai!
E forse, un giorno,
anche lei godr.
Qui il mio nuovo ufficio.
Cento persone lavoreranno per me.
S, s...
Parlami della sua vita sessuale!
Di tua moglie!
Lei geme, urla...
mi graffia la schiena!
Viene sei o sette volte!
come una volpe in calore!
La mia giace sul letto
guardando il soffitto,
come morta!
Forse... I'hai piccolo?
Piccolo? Come pane francese!
Va bene. Allora non capisco.
Sei ancora depresso.
No. Sto bene.
No, tu ci pensi ancora.
Perch ti amo. Perch sei cos bella!
E voglio che tu goda con me!
Ti prego...
Gina, cosa fai?
Prendimi. Dammelo.
- Qui?!
- S... s!
- C' gente tutto attorno!
- Non mi interessa.
Ci potrebbero scoprire!
Lo so, lo so... Prendimi!
Dammelo! Ora!
Mio Dio! Ora lo vuole!
La vita mi fa strani tiri.
Lei viene come un treno espresso.
La prossima notte, a letto,
stessa storia.
Amico mio, senti.
lo avverto una paura - d'essere scoperto.
Un po' come essere cattivi
d'intenzione, di fatto. Capisci?
Se hai bisogno tu...
Ascolta le mie parole.
Non c' dubbio.
una strana citt.
Hai visto Fabrizio?
Fabrizio, ricorda quello che ti dico.
Sarai scoperto!
pericoloso! Non lo fare!
La settimana scorsa siamo stati
quasi scoperti.
In chiesa,
nel confessionale.
Ho ancora
i crampi alle gambe.
prima che sia troppo tardi.
Ma che sta facendo?
Ma questa una cosa da pazzi!
- Chi ? Che succede?
- Lo stava facendo sotto la tavola!
Sei arrabbiato con me?
Ti amo. Perlomeno sappiamo
che non sei frigida.
Tu sei un marito meraviglioso.
Andiamo a dormire.
Non ti ricordi?
Domani andremo al Vaticano!
Do we have to jump there that early?
Where is it written we have to do it?
Oh Sam, it's Julie's fiance's birthday.
D'you wanna be late?
Listen, Tess,
I haven't been feeling well lately.
Oh come on, darling.
It's just psychosomatic.
A tension headache, by you,
is psychosomatic?
All of a sudden
you become a psychiatrist?
Stop complaining, Sam.
It's Alvin's parents,
so it's an obligation.
Look Sam, I don't like them
any more than you do.
Or should I say
they send their looks down on us, huh?
Listen, I heard that, and you know what?
I think you're both a little paranoid.
Alvin's parents are lovely people.
They like both of you very much.
That's what I call a lawn.
Nice clipped, not like by us, overgrown.
- Who is your gardener?
- Ey, me.
- You are the gardener?
- You're not.
- Sam, did you see the roses?
- I grow them.
- Excuse me.
- So heavenly.
- Where're you going, Sam?
- The bathroom.
It's upstairs.
First door to the left.
Yes, we prefer Bermuda
to Puerto Rico.
It's much nicer.
Of course, I like...
I enjoy wearing a formal garment
once in a while...
but when I'm on vacation...
I like to relax,
wear slags...
or little skirts, or blouses
and sweet little hats.
Your husband and I
had quite a talk.
He's a very gentle man,
and very interesting.
I'd love to.
I've never seen wood carving.
Well, I mean, African heads,
and we pick them up in...
We got them for steal.
You won't believe the price we paid for them.
You want wood carvings?
I'll show you wood carvings. Tell 'em
You seriously must see these.
They are absolutely magnificent.
- George!
- Yes, dear?
They're on the top shelf in the closet,
I just remembered.
The closet or the bureau?
Top shelf in the closet,
I just remembered.
Top shelf? Right.
You know, Bimini is a free port
and we got a marvelous buy on...
From Bimini, the Bahamas.
Beautiful, huh?
- Yes.
- Look at the details.
- Very interesting.
- I'd like your husband to see these.
Thief! Purse snatcher!
Help! Help!
- We will send somebody for you.
- What happened?
You know? I'm wondering
what could be taking Sam so long.
- Would you excuse me just for a second?
- Certainly.
Are you alright, lady?
Nothing, it's just
another crime in the street.
An every-day happening,
and just happened to me.
- You're very lucky.
- Lucky? Well, don't know.
- Oh sure, I could have been dead, haha!
- Absolutely right.
- Did you have any valuables in your purse?
- No, I don't think so.
You're probably wondering
why I wear...
I got a cold, it's gripping.
I don't feel good altogether.
These young people today.
Are you sure you're right?
What can you do?
It's the society we're living in.
Don't make a fuzz.
Sam, what did you do?
Fall in?
Are you sure you're right?
All right, all right.
Who's the lady whose purse was snatched?
It's perfectly ok, officer.
I forgive the little rascal.
I'm sorry,
but I have to fill a report.
I don't want to press charges.
Really, silly.
- What's happening outside, Alvin?
- There's a crowd, and police.
- Police?
- Exciting!
Me too.
I follow fire engines.
Let's look.
Jasmine Glitz.
- That's a very unusual name.
- Oh, you're sweet.
What seems to be the trouble,
It's nothing to be alarmed about.
It's just routine purse snatching.
I'm sorry, lady.
I'm very sorry.
- If I lose my baby...
- Baby? Why don't you come in and lie down?
- I'm three months' pregnant.
- I'm sorry.
My gynecologist told me
to avoid excitement.
- Please, come inside, let me...
- No, no.
Oh! My god!
She's my husband!
Sam! Sam Waterman?
Yes! Sam Waterman!
Yes, I am a man!
Look! Pull!
George! Look!
Zip me up! Zip me now!
Yes, look at this.
And this.
Sam, you should have told me,
that's so.
I would have understood.
It's not the kind of thing
that's easy to talk about.
Sam, we've been married for years.
I love you, you love me.
You could have come to me, and say:
"Tess, I have a diseased mind.
I'm a sick individual.
I need help.
I need treatment.
I'm perverted.
I'm unfit to function
with normal, decent people."
- I would have understood.
- Thanks dear.
Tess, I'm gonna see Dr. Fillmore
next week.
- I'm glad.
- You're wonderful.
The look on their faces
when the police removed your hat...!
Brought to you by Lancer's,
the hair-conditioner for men.
You still use the same old stuff
in your hair, huh?
Yes. Why?
Try this.
- Lancer's, really?
- Go ahead.
Hey, this is great.
No grease or oil.
That's right. Grooms and conditions
at the same time.
It smells great too.
Lancer: the conditioner
that grooms and conditions.
Lancer. For that better groom look.
A product of K Pharmaceuticals.
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
The most cordial welcome, once again,
to "What's My Perversion?"
Panel members,
you're all looking splendid this evening.
Pamela and Tony, so beautiful,
and Regis and Robert Q., so handsome.
We have some very interesting
guests with us this evening...
and I think we should get right
to them this moment.
So, first guest,
will you sign in, please.
Jaffe, would you sit down, sir?
A pleasure to have you with us here on
"What Is My Perversion?"
- I think you know the rules of our game.
- Yes I do.
You'll get 5$ every time the panel
comes up with a "no" answer.
And to start the game going,
would you be kind enough to...
whisper in my ear
what your perversion is.
And while you're doing that
we'll all at the studio and the home audience...
know exactly what your perversion is.
Good, alright
panel members.
Studio audience, the home audience knows
what his perversion is.
- We start the questioning with Robert Q. Lewis.
- Thank you, Jack.
Mr. Jaffe: is this one of those
nice perversions...
that any guy might indulge in?
Anybody can do it.
I'm sure you could.
- It's just a matter of wanting to.
- I see. Thank you.
Is this one of the perversions
that might best be performed in the home...
- or could you just do it anywhere?
- Not necessarily...
I think that'll get a "no" answer
and 5$ to you, Mr. Jaffe.
And we turn the question over
to Pamela Mason.
Is it something that is
done with the hands?
- Can you help me with that?
- Yes.
I would think that would not necessarily
have to play a part in the procedure.
And we give you a "no" answer on that,
and it's 10$ for you, Mr. Jaffe.
And Regis Philbin is up next.
When you're doing your perversion...
Do you have any need for...
for props?
- You know, whips or leather boots.
- Oh, no.
No no, that's definitively not necessary.
15$, Regis Philbin. And now Tony Holt.
Mr. Jaffe, would a telescope
or a pair of binoculars...
be helpful to you in any time?
It would have to be
in the right direction.
But I think we have to object
to say that...
it would not be helpful to you,
but rather to somebody else.
And in that respect, I think
we must give you a "no" answer, Tony.
- Robert Q. Lewis.
- Are you...
I'll take a wild guess.
Are you a rapist?
- Hardly.
- No.
Not at all.
25$, and Pamela Mason.
I'll pass to Regis.
Is it self-contained?
I carry it with me at all times.
I'm gonna take a guess,
I think I have it.
- What is it?
- Do you molest children?
No, I'm afraid
you're all at the wrong track.
Would you like to tell them
exactly what your perversion is?
You already have your 50$.
- Yes. I like to expose myself
on subways.
Sorry, panel members.
And now,
the winner of this week's contest.
As you know, each week we'll give you at home
an opportunity to play our game with us.
We ask you to write and tell us
exactly what your perversion is.
We select the most interesting letter,
the contestant is flown in...
and we give that contestant a chance
to act out his fantasy here on the program.
And now, it's with a great deal of pleasure
that I present this week's winner.
Ladies, gentlemen
and members of the panel...
here from of Muncie, Indiana, is our winner,
rabbi Chaim Baumel.
Well, congratulations to you,
Chaim Baumel.
Excuse me.
It's not Chaim.
It's not Caim.
- It's pronounced "Jaim".
- Jaim.
Very good.
I understand that, in addition to being
a very distinguished clergy...
you have a very, very fascinating fetish.
- You mean a hang-up.
- Yes.
Yes. Silk stockings.
- Silk stockings?
- I love silk stockings.
To touch them, to hug them...
Now, you wrote in your letter
that what you'd like is to be...
tied up.
For this we need the help
of one of the members of the panel.
How about someone to tie him up?
Regis Philbin, would you?
Excuse me.
Must be a girl.
A girl. Alright,
we certainly have two lovely girls.
Pamela, would you do the honors
and tie up the rabbi?
- I would love to.
- Rabbi?
Now Pamela is going to tie
the rabbi Baumel...
according to the wishes
as expressed in his letter.
I haven't had a lot of experience,
rabbi, but I think I can manage.
If you have any special instruction,
please let me know.
If any special area
that you'd like to have tied.
Not too tight.
Good. And now a model
from the Lucy Jones modelling agency...
is going to pretend that she is
rabbi Baumel's governess...
and she's going to
spank the rabbi.
- You've been a naughty rabbi.
- While at the same time...
Not too hard. I have to be
in the synagogue tomorrow.
Mrs. Baumel, the rabbi's wife,
who we've flown in from Indiana...
will sit at the rabbi's feet...
and eat pork.
You've been bad.
Naughty rabbi!
Now, don't you do that again.
Naughty, naughty!
Well, here it is, America.
Another lucky winner
gets to act out his fantasy.
Now this is Jack Barry saying goodbye,
and good luck from myself and the panel.
And see you next week
on "What's My Perversion?"
Give me 50 cents with regular.
Excuse me. My car broke down
about 2 miles down the road.
- Would you please send somebody to get it?
- Sure, madam. Right away.
Thank you very much.
How far is
Dr. Bernardo's house?
About 7 miles.
Damn it.
- Miss?
- Yeah?
Did I hear you say that
you're going to Dr. Bernardo's house?
Yeah, would you like a lift?
'Coz I'm going there now.
Jee, that'd be swell.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Good, come on.
Are you a friend of Dr. Bernardo?
Not exactly a friend. I'm gonna be working
with him, helping with his experiments.
Are you studying
sexual phenomenons too?
Yes. I was a biology major
in school.
I've really been looking forward to
working with the doctor, you know.
He's a great hero of mine.
I don't know if you know this or not,
but he was the first man...
that ever measured the sound waves
produced by an erection.
- Yes, I know.
- Do you?
Yes, I'm a reporter for The Globe.
I'm going to interview Dr. Bernardo...
for a story
on our Sunday supplement.
A reporter, huh?
You're kinda cute.
Yeah, but mind if you just
watch the road, huh?
- What's your name?
- Helen Lacey.
- What's yours?
- Victor.
Victor Shackelpopolous.
Is Dr. Bernardo here?
I think he wants us to come in.
The doctor's expecting us.
Look at this place!
Yes, it's really great.
The decorator's still living?
It's chilly!
So what do you think?
Is Dr. Bernardo here or what?
I am Dr. Bernardo.
You must be Victor...
and Miss Lacey.
Igor, I thought I told you
to keep to your room.
Forgive me.
Usually he keeps
to his room.
I know there's a big problem
with domestics nowadays.
Shall we have dinner?
I understand you're famous
for your potato pancakes.
Dr. Bernardo, you don't know
how excited I am to be here.
I've waited so long
to meet you.
I'm really looking forward to helping
you with your experiments.
I don't know if you read
my latest book...
"Advanced Sexual Positions -
How To Achieve Them Without Laughing"...
but it's getting
to be a classic.
I'm familiar with it.
I think it's wonderful how you, men of science,
have finally gotten around to sex.
All the girls at The Globe are so pleased
with your work on "Respiration During Orgasm".
A mere trifle compared
to my real work.
Doctor, I read a statement
you made that...
you felt that the average length
of the man's penis should be 19 inches.
Doesn't it seem a little long?
My friend, I'm making discoveries
you wouldn't dream of.
Yes I know, but 19 inches,
I mean...
- That's...
- Does that sound mad?
That's what they call me
at Masters and Johnson's clinic: mad.
Because I had visions of exploration
in sexual areas...
undreamed of
by lesser human beings.
It was I who first discovered
how to make a man impotent by hiding his hat.
I was the first one
to explain the connection...
between excessive masturbation
and entering politics.
It was I who first said that
clitoral orgasm should not be only for women.
They laughed at me, ridiculed me.
They said I was mad.
Haha, but I showed them!
They threw me out
of Masters and Johnson.
No severance pay.
And I had it coming,
but I showed them!
We're having dessert?
Oh, come. I want
to show you my laboratory.
Clean up this table.
And hurry!
You must forgive Igor.
It was part of an experiment of mine
that backfired.
Using an electrical generator,
I gave him a 4 hour orgasm.
He had fun,
but he turned out like this.
Posture, posture.
Here is it.
Here is where I'm discovering
new facts about sex...
that sure will make me
a great man one day.
Dr. Bernardo,
what is all this?
Come this way and see.
Here I'm studying the premature
ejaculation in a hippopotamus.
How often does that problem
come up with the hippo?
Here I'm forcing a man to have
intercourse with a large rye bread.
They're getting on famously.
Here, I'm going to take
the brain of a lesbian...
and put it into the body of a man
who works for the telephone company.
But why? What good will this do anybody?
It'll show those fools
who call me mad. Come.
But, doctor, this is immoral.
Nonsense! Human mind is capable
of many strange things. Look.
Each day, to the past year,
I give her nothing but silicone.
She used to be flat-chested.
Give me another year,
and watch up.
You are insane.
That's what they said
at Masters and Johnson.
And all because I built
a 400 foot diaphragm.
Birth control
for an entire nation at once!
You, you will be the subject
of my newest experiment.
Yes. Look here.
In here I have 20 scouts.
I want to measure your respiration
when they bang you.
Get away from her.
Why don't you let her
relax and enjoy it?
You shoot this girl,
and I'll sue you for malpractice.
Victor, do something!
Keep your legs crossed.
Now we owe them a dinner.
What's wrong, Victor?
I think the battery is dead,
we're out of gas, oil, and water.
- Are you OK?
- Yes.
- What was that?
- That sounded like Igor!
Victor! Look!
A gigantic tit!
Oh Victor,
what are we gonna do?
What you're gonna do, I'm going home
to get my catcher's mitt.
Look, it looks angry.
The nipple is getting erect!
Oh Victor!
Come on, let's go!
Not so quickly.
They're all boys in my family.
Sheriff, I wanna report
on a escaped tit.
A what?
It's already killed two people,
Dr. Bernardo and his assistant.
- A tremendous tit.
- Have you been drinking?
Listen, we don't have time
to argue here.
While we're standing here, the countryside
is being ravaged by a colossal boob.
You've got the most beautiful brests.
There's something wrong with the radio.
- Don't worry.
- Look, it's something wrong with the radio.
Oh, my God!
Jesus Christ!
Be on the lookout
for a large female breast.
It's about 4,000
with an X cup.
About a 4,000 with an X cup.
Let's go.
"Everybody Needs Milk"
We're too late.
He's dead.
Yeah I know. The cream slowed him up
and the milk killed him.
We're up against a very clever tit.
It shoots half and half.
Victor, what are we gonna do
to stop this fiendish tit?
I got an idea, but I have to get
my hands on some camouflage.
You can get all the camouflage you need!
Oh Victor, please don't do
anything dangerous.
No worry.
I know how to handle tits.
Victor! I'm so proud of you.
You did it!
I was so worried.
Were you scared?
Are you kidding? Do I look like
the kind of guy who gets scared?
Oh I was. I thought you were
gonna get nursed to death.
Well, everything is all secure now.
You don't have to worry about a thing.
But one thing bothers me though.
That's a single, you sure that was a single?
- That was a single, yeah.
- Yeah, well see, they usually travel in pairs.
- No, you don't have to worry about this.
- Well I've never seen one by itself.
I mean... two? yes.
But not just one.
So what we're gonna do,
we're gonna take a nipple print...
just so we'll have a deal of occasion on this, see?
Now, I think we'll put her
on probation for maybe 90 days...
and then take her down to the orphanage, because
there's a lot of hungry babies down there.
So, you both
take care of yourselves now.
You were so magnificent up there.
I knew then that I wanted you.
Well, I don't wanna say
anything about this, Helen...
I kinda had a personal
stake in this case.
You know, I'd never told
anyone this before,
but when I was a little child,
I was breast-fed with false tits.
The truth is that I've learned
one thing from this whole situation.
When it comes to sex, there are certain things
that should always be left unknown.
And with my luck,
they probably will be.
Brain room.
Come in, motor function 12.
His leg itches.
Scratch the left leg.
Leg has been scratched.
There's a joke coming in 4-1.
Prepare response for incoming joke.
Joke response, 18.2.
- Smile, please.
- He is smiling.
Brain to stomach,
brain to stomach.
Stomach to brain. Over.
- Food coming down.
- What kind?
- Fettuccini.
- Jesus Christ!
- Italian food coming down!
- Again?
Italian food!
Stomach proceeding
with breakdown fettuccini.
This is mission control!
Mission control!
Please stand by the systems' check.
Well, what do you think?
No, thanks.
Think we're gonna have intercourse tonight?
I'm very optimistic.
Dinner date is very good.
- Have you seen her?
- No, I haven't had the chance.
I had a busy day.
She's lovely.
You should take a look.
Brain to eyes,
brain to eyes. Coming!
Eyes to brain. Over.
Approach on the dinner date.
I want to check out something, please.
- You want the whole body?
- Yes, please.
Hey! It would be a shame to lose this one.
Any indication yet?
Brain to ears, brain to ears.
Can you throw some voice up here?
Yes. For me,...
Norman Mailer has exactly
that same sort of relevance,
that affirmative-negative duality...
that only Proust or Flaubert
could achieve.
I don't know whether we're gonna make it or not.
It doesn't look too good.
I'm graduate from
New York University.
We're gonna make it.
I'm worried.
- For a possible failure, huh?
- Yes.
Anyone can have a fiasco
now and then...
but few in a row could be
too a serious loss of confidence.
Well you can see what it's doing
to moral around here already.
Don't worry.
We're gonna bring this off.
My place or your place? To me,
it doesn't matter where we're doing it.
Hey, why do you look so scared?
God, damn it!
Who placed this scared expression?
Come on!
- Anybody pressed "frightened"?
- No way. Must be a short circuit somewhere.
It's all we need now.
Mission control!
Prepare for launching!
Prepare for launching!
It looks like we're gonna do it.
Attention, sperm.
Stand by.
Well, here we go again.
- You think we'll get out this time?
- I hope it's not another false alarm.
They're having trouble
down in engineering.
They say it was all mental.
You're treading on my tail.
Well, heart factors are all balanced.
We could use a little more adrenaline.
This is the adrenal gland.
We are pumping away here.
Oh my God, Sydney.
Can't you wait?
Do you want to do it right here
in the parking lot?
Signal the voice to
answer the affirmative.
All the systems on the alert.
We're gonna try to bull her
right there in the car.
Ears! Quickly! Ears!
I made it in cars before,
but always in hardtops.
- Prepared for launching.
- Brain on to sexual organs.
- Proceed with the erection.
- It's stuck!
Let's go, boys!
Come on, get it up, fellas!
Push! All together!
Roll out the tongue.
Here comes the kiss.
Hang on!
Activate pleasure center.
Could we please have an erection?
What the hell is going on down there?
I know you can do it,
boys. Hold on!
What's wrong with you?
Don't keep there stop.
What's the matter,
Mantain hands on breasts.
Yes, sir. And we're having
trouble with respiration.
We're way over
the limit down here.
If you're not getting an erection,
something's wrong.
Proceed with the erection.
All the systems, go.
Let's go, boys! All together!
We gotta get it up.
What the hell is going on down here?
I need an erection!
We need more help from the brain.
Have you checked if there's
some problem in the stomach?
Fettuccini is moving on nicely.
A couple of injuries
from the veal scallopini though.
I am not laughing, Sydney.
Now kiss me.
We have an erection of 45 degrees.
- Shall we attempt penetration?
- Prepare for penetration.
Well, this looks like it!
I just wonder what it's like out there?
It's like they told us
in training school. It's an ovum.
I'm scared.
I don't want to go.
But this is what
all this training was for.
But who knows what
it's gonna be like out there.
You saw slides in class.
Yeah, but you hear strange stories,
you know...
like... like there's
this pill these women take...
or sometimes these guys are slammed
their heads up against a wall of hard rubber...
Oh that's nonsense.
Or what if it's a homosexual encounter.
Look, this is no time
to doubt our Mission.
You took an oath
when you entered sperm training school...
to fertilize an ovum
or die trying.
I'm scared!
I don't want to go out there.
We're too low to attempt penetration!
The man can't hold!
We gotta hold!
We need more stimulation
from the pleasure center.
Organ room to Brain control.
Re-stimulate pleasure center!
- Prepare to stroke her thighs.
- We're on her thighs, and stroking!
Attention, mouth.
Attention, mouth.
Please blow in her ear.
The erection is 45 grades,
and holding fast.
Re-adjust mouth. We're missing
her ear and blowing into her nose
- Attempt penetration.
- Fellas!
That's not gonna work.
The angle is bad.
Hey, we're gonna make babies!
This is Mission control.
We can't! It's no use!
Hold tight, men!
We're losing it!
What am I doing here?
It's bending!
Let's get it up, boys!
Alright! Hold!
It's no use.
We're losing it.
Start preparing an alibi
to save face.
We found him interfering with
the machinery in the cerebral cortex...
Turning up the guilt reflex.
It's a lie!
I never touched anything.
- It's a lie, sir.
- I work in the conscience room.
We found the conscience tied to a chair.
He knocked him out.
Is this true?
And what if it is?
Don't you think you should
be ashamed of this?
Sexual relation unmarried people?
To take an innocent woman...
and assault her in a brutal,
sadistic, ungodlike manner, it's...
Lock him up!
- Sabotage is over.
- Blasphemy!
It's blasphemy!
Full steam ahead!
Here we go again.
I'm not going out there,
I'm not gonna get shot out of that thing!
What if it's masturbating?
I might end up in the ceiling!
Get hold of yourself.
Fellas, it's dark out there.
I'm due with my parents for dinner.
We're inside!
We're making it!
Head memory, think of baseball players
to keep sperm from launching.
Cannot hold it any longer.
Prepare to release the sperm.
Willie Mays.
Joe Namath. Mickey Mantle.
See you guys in the ovary!
Give me an egg!
Well, at least he is Jewish.
Listen, everybody.
Can I have your attention.
This is Mission control.
I just wanna congratulate
everybody on a fine job, well done.
And I mean that, sincerely.
It was hectic, but we brought it through.
- She was worth it.
- Yes she was.
I'll drink to that.
That was great, Sydney.
Let's do it one more time.
Everybody, stand by!
Here we go again.
Attention all hands.
Stand by.
- Give me a fatigue reading.
- Four and a half.
Fatigue reading, four and a half.
Looks good. We're going for the second.
Attention, gonads.
We're going for record.