Everybody Happy (2016) Movie Script
It's wonderful to see happy people.
We love happy people.
Welcome to the comedy paralympics.
You can spot our first paralympian's
handicap in his name: Faroek.
"Political parties don't work like that."
"I don't work either."
Give her all your love,
she really needs it. Here is Laura Maris.
He won the Comedy Challenge.
Our blonde Adonis, Olaf Bens.
I've missed you. I really have.
Have you missed me?
I'm Olaf Bens and you're not.
That was him.
And now our headliner this evening.
The Cadillac of comedy.
An old Cadillac
You don't get rid of it, you keep it.
He's warming up for Comedy Royale
on the 17th, live on your TV.
Ladies and gentlemen, the man I love,
the man you love, the man we love.
Ralph Hartman.
Oh yes! Oh yes!
Oh yes!
Good evening. Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Lately I always walk around
with two beers.
That's so much better than one beer,
it's more balanced that way.
It is. That's important.
One to quench my thirst and
another to wash the first one down.
I do everything with beer since then.
Everything.
Cooking with beer. They act like
they've invented something new
but I've been cooking with beer
for years.
Saucepan there, beer here.
Beer makes me a better man.
- That's not very many.
- What do you mean? That's great.
If you've got six laughs in a minute
but they're only short ones,
- that sucks.
- So you need long laughs?
- What about long weak laughs?
- It means your jokes make them yawn.
You just don't get it, do you?
I also went hunting with my son.
With a bow and arrow.
And my two beers, I took them too,
with my bow and arrow.
"Daddy, Daddy, there, a deer."
"Where?" "There."
Then I Twang Whoosh
We were banned
from going to the petting farm again.
Water is boring, isn't it?
Water Animals drink it.
Animals are boring.
Have you ever seen a funny fish?
I haven't.
I've never heard anyone say:
"I bumped into a funny cod."
"That sprat was a bundle of laughs!"
No, there's no such thing.
Animals are boring. Full stop.
I hate animals.
I hate them because we need to hate.
It's healthy.
Hate is bodybuilding for the soul.
It cleanses the mind.
Otherwise nothing changes.
The wheel was only invented
because everyone hated,
everyone was fed up with
always having to carry everything.
I should have hated my wife more.
I should've hated her more
like she hated me.
A divorce is
A divorce is legal butchery after
all other attempts at murder have failed.
There you go, someone is going
to sleep well tonight. Thank you.
Thanks for coming. Next.
A selfie? Of course.
There's no need to be scared to ask.
Selfie time? OK then.
Hold me tight, make the most of it.
Take a wide shot
so you can fit my ego in.
There you go.
Make sure you get home safely.
Let me know when you've chosen.
- Right, guys. Who's having lasagne?
- Is there pork in it?
Ayatollah Faroekini.
A model Muslim until there's
a bottle of whisky in front of him.
Only if it has been bottled
with the neck facing East.
It's for disinfection purposes.
I'm surrounded by pigs.
Right, come on, how many lasagnes?
Old Cadillac? What do you want?
- To eat?
- No, in life, in your career.
What are your dreams, your
expectations? What do you want?
- I don't know.
- Don't you?
- You don't know?
- Lasagne?
Yes.
At last! Lasagne for everyone.
And rabbit food for our imam.
He's hatching something. He's about to
hit us with the one-liner of the year.
- One for posterity.
- He's thinking about it.
A brief pause.
It's all about timing. Timing.
- What is the time?
- Yes.
That's timing. That's timing.
- Oh yes.
- Oh yes.
He's still the greatest.
He has still got it.
Have we already ordered?
You stopped.
- Are you my doctor now?
- Yes.
And your mother-in-law.
And your manager.
And the latter says
it's time to get back on form.
You've only got two weeks.
And after that the tour starts.
It all needs a bit more punch.
Your closing joke, for example,
wasn't exactly a killer.
Even the spotlight couldn't follow it!
Think like a sportsman.
You need to peak.
Tomorrow is another working day and
TV Theo is coming in the evening.
You've no idea the lengths I had to go to.
It still hurts.
Tomorrow evening is the last one, guys.
I'll buy you all a round.
- The drinks are on Bozo.
- I'm going to bed. I'm tired.
Yeah, me too.
What about one from the mini-bar?
How's that for an idea?
That is an idea.
- Maybe not a bad idea?
- I'm not so sure about that.
Good evening.
- I thought you really were that tall.
- Oh, no.
- Oops, sorry.
- Can you manage?
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight, Julie.
- Honestly, Hartman.
- That wasn't me.
No, that was me in a lift, or what?
Sorry, Julie.
You filthy bitch!
You vulgar trollop!
You wouldn't have got anywhere. Admit it,
that girl could be your daughter.
Yeah, and you my grandmother.
What a coincidence!
Our rooms are next to each other.
And I've got a lovely bottle of water.
- Go on in, I'll fetch your straitjacket.
- Don't forget the whip and a ball.
- Tart.
- Lecher.
- Slut.
- Lush.
Goodnight, Grandma.
Goodnight, Grandpa.
- One thing is important in life, balance.
- Oh yes.
- Good things come in twos.
- Oh yes.
- A balanced grain-based diet is healthy.
- Oh yes.
Even when it comes to alcohol, it's very
important to get the balance right.
Oh yes!
Filou, twice the pleasure
because life is too full to
Loser.
It feels naked like that, doesn't it?
Not good, not normal.
But that isn't either.
Goddammit.
You're a real gift to yourself.
Yeah.
I thought you really were that tall.
The standout stand-up comic genius.
Oh man, that was really painful.
I just need to get some sleep.
Sleep, goddammit.
Yeah yeah. Are you going to look to see
if you still exist?
Whether someone thought of you?
Watched you on YouTube.
Liked you.
No, let's contact the son first.
Little Leo. Unavailable.
- Unavailable.
- Everyone is unavailable.
Except for Laura.
But we're not going to do that, are we?
No, we can't do that.
Sleep.
And tomorrow?
You need to do something.
Make something of your life,
for example.
- Aren't you going to eat?
- I'm not hungry.
- Did you get any sleep?
- Not a solitary wink.
- Are you stressed?
- Stressed?
- Yes, with three Ss.
- What is stressed?
What is it? It's when you aren't hungry,
you can't sleep,
your head aches, your neck aches,
your stomach, your guts, your arse
and you ask what stressed is,
then you are stressed.
- So I'm stressed.
- Then you've got problems.
Well, we've got problems.
Have we got problems?
Fortunately there are solutions.
All cyclists have an off day.
- What's this?
- He thinks you're going crazy.
It's not the heavy artillery,
just Daddy's little helper.
Opens up your throat.
Lets the oxygen in.
You take this too?
How do you think
I am always so happy
in spite of having to look at
your miserable face?
If your throat is too tight,
the humour can't get out.
The 17th, Comedy Royale, live on TV.
It's not long till then.
And then the tour. Are you ready?
Have you already got some material?
You know, Ralph, there are plenty of
other people who are good at being funny.
Breakfast with Brutus. Check your back
to make sure there's no knife in it.
Sleep.
It's something so simple.
Babies can do it.
- But you can't, Medicated Man.
- Not if you keep me awake.
At least I'm thinking of your future.
Or your lack of one.
Theo Vinckens, the great TV Theo,
is coming specially to this hole.
To see whether it's any good.
And you're lying there festering in
the sack because your pill isn't working.
Yeah, that's it. Go on the forum.
Read some comments.
There you are.
Olaf's are good, aren't they?
Nice
Oh, you won't be very pleased about that.
Why don't you call a good friend?
"Hello, I feel bad."
Oh no, that's true, you haven't got
any friends left. Certainly not good ones.
So who are you going to tell?
That you are nothing, can do nothing,
have only been pretending all your life.
Pretending to be able to do something,
pretending to be someone.
I was standing smoking a cigarette with
Pythagoras and tripped over his triangle.
My mother was furious.
She didn't know I smoked.
She said: "Olaf, if you have to smoke
something, smoke salmon.
Or mackerel."
There you are, people like that.
Crank it up,
I need to be able to hear myself.
He's a pro.
Honestly, Faroek. "TV Theo. TV Theo.
We want to be on TV, Theo."
I'm not necessarily against
a good stoning, you know.
- It can be quite enjoyable.
- Shhh, he's here.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Look who it is. In plenty of time.
- And? Everything
- Yeah, everything
Yeah.
My father won't let me go out.
It's not as if they'll let me in anywhere.
Is that the punchline?
When I used to go out, I really did
go out, I didn't go in anywhere.
That's the punchline?
Welcome to Comedy Cruise.
Welcome to the comedy paralympics.
Our first paralympian, ladies and
gentlemen, is also our youngest.
His name is Faroek and his jokes
are a bit like his fellow countrymen,
they don't all work.
- The phenomenon that is Faroek.
- Come on, let's go and see where he is.
Theo Vinckens,
the big cheese in TV comedy.
Come on.
You know you want to go and see.
My father never let me go out.
I was never allowed out,
I was never allowed in either.
When I was younger and went out,
I really did go out, I never went in.
- Have you got a cigarette?
- Thought you'd stopped.
I thought so too.
You're not stressed about
that clown from TV, are you?
- Stressed? What's stressed?
- Here. It can kill you.
Really? Excellent.
Give me a few more.
- Hey, good luck. Knock 'em dead.
- Yeah.
You must admit, we're happy to leave
the house to see a Moroccan sweat.
Vinckens is in the sixth row.
Next to a real doll.
Are they a fringe benefit?
A number of make-up girls have fallen
down the crevices between her wrinkles
and never been seen again.
Give her all your love,
she really needs it. Here is Laura Maris.
Thank you, Bozo. That's Latin, by the way,
for "bastard". Good evening.
Can you see him? Theo Vinckens?
Mr. Comedy Royale.
With his chick.
You are scared of me.
You are scared.
Admit it.
Close that curtain.
How old are you?
Yet I've done my best.
I've tried to act like a woman,
tossing my hair
and saying, when in your company:
"Being here with you is fantastic.
Is there anything I can do for you?
I'm available."
He has already laughed.
He doesn't usually.
He's a fan of yours.
Of Boozy Man.
Look, I'm walking behind you
in high heels. Don't go so fast.
They walk away even faster.
It's cool, isn't it?
It's cool, the two of us are here.
With Vinckens in the house.
Together on TV soon.
Knock 'em dead in a minute, eh?
Who the man? You the man.
Who the man? You the man.
Have you got a light?
- A light?
- In my heart.
Are we smoking again?
I thought we'd stopped.
- I'm going to stop this, I'm not joking.
- Aren't you?
You should be joking.
That's what you should be doing.
Vinckens will make Olaf Polaf
the headliner if you're not careful.
You can do it, man.
At least you used to be able to do it.
- I can go with you, if you like.
- No way.
What do you mean, no way?
It's now or never, pal. It's not as if
you couldn't do with some help.
I'm just going to coach you a bit.
It's now or now, Ralphie.
Incredible! The groaning is amazing.
But what I like most
is political groaning.
The Far Right's orgasmic groan.
Nein, nein, nein, jawohl!
Fantastic!
Or you, sir
You're the kind who groans like a pig.
And you, madam, I bet you sound like
a horse neighing
He's got them rolling in the aisles.
I love to groan, I must be honest.
And when I groan,
I like saying my own name best.
Look at that. He's already stolen
ten minutes of your time.
He's devouring it all.
There won't be any laughs left.
- Hey
- Yes, I know he's going over his time.
Have you got your beers?
Get your beers.
For your balance.
- We're not discussing it now, Ralph.
- It's your trademark.
People love it.
You're going for it.
You're giving it your all.
And she starts groaning.
But it's as if it's never any good.
Is she groaning or just moaning?
Do it again, the great Boozy Man act.
I'm now going to make way for
the great Ralph Hartman.
He was my hero. Along with Daffy Duck
and my infant teacher.
I think he's a bit nervous. Just now he
came and asked me if underpants can rust.
"No, Ralph, I don't think so."
"Oh, then I think
I must have shit myself."
He's taking the piss, or even the shit,
out of you. With Vinckens in the audience.
I'm Olaf Bens and you're not.
I just said it for a laugh, man.
It was a homage.
I've no idea
what the jury had smoked, taken or drunk.
Surprise me.
- And now for our headliner today.
- We can do it, Ralphie.
- The Cadillac of comedy.
- We can do it.
An old Cadillac, I admit,
an old Cadillac,
but you don't get rid of an old Cadillac,
you keep it.
For spare parts.
He's warming up for the 17th,
for Comedy Royale,
live on your TV.
The man I love, the man you love,
the man we love,
Ralph Hartman.
Showtime!
No, don't, Ralph!
Good evening.
Thank you, thank you.
I've got an alcohol problem.
I have. I've stopped drinking.
No, I've stopped. I've stopped it all.
Don't take pills anymore.
Don't fuck anymore either.
These days I regularly sit
on a bench in a park.
With a lake. That's something new.
It's I've never done it before.
Your first joke should've happened
about now.
That's new.
Mind you, I like sitting down.
Standing here like this, no.
- I'd much rather sit down.
- Faster.
- You all sat down too.
- It's not working.
Last week I was sitting on the tram.
A tram full of old people.
I thought to myself, I'm comfortable here,
I'm not moving. A
- Your rhythm.
- sweet little old lady got on.
She couldn't reach the handrail
and she gave me a dirty look.
But I thought to myself,
I'm comfortable here.
I think that when you reach a certain age
you should lie down.
Not stand up anymore.
And that's what she did.
At the next stop down she went,
flat on her stomach.
- Crazy.
- I said: There you go.
That's the position you should be in,
lying down.
Maybe you should've used your beers.
These days I regularly sit on a bench.
Hey, Vinckens is busy on his phone.
But I didn't have any bread with me.
There's nothing there that eats bread.
No ducks, no Nothing, no birds,
nothing that eats bread.
Well, there were some gypsy children
who eat bread but
Throwing bread at them is a bit tricky.
But nothing's impossible. You just need
to have some stale bread with you
or some hard rolls
You can really hurt someone with those.
But I was sitting on that bench
in that park and you think,
because you've sat on the bench
three times, that the bench is yours.
And this week
someone came and sat next to me.
Whatever made you think you could do this?
On the same bench.
- But I'm sitting on that bench
- What are you trying to say?
And I try not to think.
But I can't not think.
European stand-up, for example, is always
narrative, narrative, narrative.
Where's the joke? Where's the joke?
The American way is the way to do it.
It's not like you can't join them.
In the style of
a Smurf gets ink from his pen on his hand.
Fuck! Another blue stain.
- Ralph.
- Theo.
Was that new material
for the 17th or?
Was that material?
No.
- Old, new, good, bad.
- Only bad.
Hartman is a never-ending try-out.
- A try-out of his life, eh Ralph?
- He'll be ready by the time he's dead.
Premiere. Where is Hartman?
Fuck, he's dead!
Well, editing makes a big difference
but it's live.
So there is no editing.
I could do one of my Hartman impressions.
If he's dead. As a homage. "Oh yes."
What? Can't you keep up?
Or his best one: "What time is it?"
Is the humour stuck in your throat?
- I don't feel very well.
- I thought you were looking pale.
Are we going to play it that way? "I don't
feel very well. I want to go home."
- Ate something that didn't agree with me.
- Or drank something that didn't.
The idea is that you stand there
wagging your tail too.
Oh no, that's true.
We don't want to be on a TV games how.
- We're not doing that.
- No, we're not doing that.
We're just going to sit here
groaning and sighing.
I'm not sighing.
It has been an intense day, big man.
I'll give you something to make you sleep
and I'll drive you back to the hotel.
- More pills, a great idea!
- Or get you a taxi, maybe.
- Thanks for dropping grandpa off.
- I've always wanted to play ambulances.
Oh man
I'm tired, dead tired, tired of myself.
- Do you know what I mean?
- Yes, I know what you mean.
Sometimes you mustn't listen to yourself.
You're going to have
to find a solution, Ralph.
Yeah, apparently you are supposed
to find something in life.
And I find myself thinking
you should come and have a drink with me.
Well, he's better already.
- With the right doctor
- No, no.
I'm not playing doctors with you. They're
waiting for me and I still have to
Work on my TV career a bit.
Goodnight, Hartman.
- What if I can't sleep?
- Breathe in deeply and try harder.
I think I forgot my wheelchair.
I'll send the nasty night nurse
to see you
No thanks.
Sorry, you're going to have
to make do with me.
Were you making a move on her?
Yeah, you were making a move on her.
First you do.
Then you don't.
You think so much about things
but you don't think.
Have you ever thought about that?
We're not going to start that again,
are we?
You're making an ass of yourself.
And he's an ass too.
Two stupid asses together.
Nothing but people having fun.
How long has it been since you had fun?
You really are like a semi-limp dick.
Can't do anything with it.
Can't piss or fuck.
Laura can still see the difference.
But that's never going to happen, never.
You're too stupid for that.
Have another one. Go on.
That's it, Ralph.
Ralph Hartman.
Oh, these figures aren't looking good.
Now what?
You used to have loads of brilliant ideas.
Where has your energy gone?
Do you think anyone really needs you?
Are you tired? Tired of being tired?
Scared of being scared.
That's it, tranquillisers
on a bed of alcohol.
Now we're rolling like the stars, baby.
Going to destroy your hotel room?
That's what real stars do.
Does this meet expectations, Ralph?
Your father's expectations?
People's expectations?
Bungling idiot!
Buffoon!
Oh yes!
Fresh air.
Have a cigarette.
That's always a good idea.
One second and you're down there
on the ground.
One second and you've left it all behind.
One second and everything is sorted.
It's not going to get any better,
this long try-out of your life.
I can understand you don't know
how to live, that's difficult.
But not knowing how to die
Everyone knows that.
It's the hell for me
And just like Laura I'm
-Single
-Single
I'm single
Then they can do Comedy Royale
with archive footage.
But no one will laugh
because you will have just died.
Olaf can do your tour
Bozo happy, everybody happy.
You can't do that.
Let the man sleep.
You'll have to write a farewell note
and it will have to be funny.
It will have to be profound too,
of course, with a message.
Suppose no one comes to your funeral
Come on.
Leave me alone.
We'll do it together. Come on.
Go away. Fall!
You don't dare, you don't dare.
You don't dare.
What do you think he'll think,
if you knock on his door
in the middle of the night?
We're going to fly.
We're going to fly together.
How are you ever going to fly
if you don't dare to jump?
Coward.
You haven't got the balls, pal.
- Go on, fall!
- Come on then.
Look at you standing there.
The needy one again.
Laura.
Laura.
You weren't asleep yet?
I can't sleep, I
- Laura
- You were practising my name, or what?
Can't I just come and sleep with you
for a bit?
Ralph I'm quite good at distinguishing
a good idea from a bad one.
And that's a bad idea.
I don't sleep very well myself.
How about staying awake together then?
I will be extremely well behaved.
Well behaved?
Hold on
Sorry.
I really am dead tired.
I know a brilliant trick.
I'll teach you.
Look carefully.
That's a smile.
Go on, do it.
There you go.
Smile, breathe in and breathe out.
Can you feel it? It can be
as fake as you like. Just do it.
Even if your head is full of dark shit,
your brain says:
"Hey I'm happy!
I'm cheerful after all."
There, that's my trick.
As simple as anything.
Smile, breathe in and breathe out.
Right, OK
Comedy is like armpit hair.
Annoying.
- Too long.
- Embarrassing.
The comedian's rhetoric.
I can see it now already.
Olaf Bens' autobiography,
The Comedian's Rhetoric.
- Is it working?
- Amazingly
Not at all.
I almost had a threesome
last night, almost.
I just had to find the other two.
That's a good one.
It pains me to say so but it's good.
A hit!
That's dangerous, you fools.
- Hello.
- Hello.
What exactly are we up to with Laura?
What about later? What are we going to say
once summer camp is over?
This morning Bozo told me he wants to be
my manager and promote my one-man show.
Keeping on doing these line-ups is
Is perfect preparation for the real work,
eh, Hartman?
Make sure you don't piss on your shoes.
And wash your hands, boys.
- Black, eh? No milk or sugar?
- Yes. As black as my soul.
I'm a sugar baby.
- Oops, sorry. Sorry.
- You did that on purpose, didn't you?
- So you could
- Of course I did.
Look, I've got it everywhere.
Sorry, Ralph.
See that?
Feeling that way is crap, isn't it?
That feeling in your stomach?
Oh, please.
- You aren't
- Enjoying it, no.
Well, there you go.
- What do you mean, there you go?
- You're going to get hurt again.
The only one hurting me
at the moment is you.
Oh. Wow. What's that?
- Are you stressed?
- Stressed? What's stressed?
Apparently you can tell from your teeth
if you are stressed. Can I see?
Swallow. That's it.
Looks like a graveyard in there.
What are you going to do when you get old?
I am old.
- How old are you?
- Old enough.
- What about you?
- Young. Young enough.
Hartman, there's an article
about you in here.
A paedophile. No?
Faroek? Faroek?
Salami aleikum, I'm halal.
This girl is halal.
Thanks for dropping me off, Bozo.
See you Monday?
Yep! Bozo Mondays. Fun days.
Aren't you going to say something?
Laura
That's something, but not much.
Yes, that's my name, Laura.
I was Laura Maris.
Look after yourself.
- Well done, Laura Maris.
- That'll do.
Welcome home.
Ralph?
As if there isn't enough oxygen
in the air. Sound familiar?
You can't see the way ahead anymore.
It's time to turn on your headlights.
Look, there is a way ahead.
You just have to be able to see it.
There is always a way ahead.
You should work in comedy.
You don't have to believe me.
You don't have to take my pills either.
But please, let yourself be helped
by someone who can help you.
It's a funnel.
You're here.
And you can still get out here.
Grab hold of something, something big
that can't fall through there.
If you fall through here
and then have to find that hole
so you can climb back up again
Believe me, my friend.
I've been there.
Put together a good show for next week.
You can have another try-out
at the next Bozo Monday.
If you feel like it.
Yeah. Feel like it
Yeah. Yeah.
Feel like it.
- Thanks for dropping me off.
- You're welcome.
And for the wise lessons for life.
Good advice is like
a tip for a taxi driver,
no matter how small it is
you have to take it.
Is it true?
Are you becoming depressed?
What a clich!
It's a bit like a beard these days.
It's the latest fashion.
This is my house.
It's my key. It's my door.
Or a burnout. A burnout.
I'm still outside, Ralph.
Come on, we can talk about this, Ralph.
Do you still remember?
Still remember everything?
How cross she was when you threw your
jacket on the chair and left it there?
And how warm it was in the house
when you came home?
Why aren't you better than this?
All those memories.
You really don't learn, do you?
So much pain.
It's as if the house can feel it.
You can't sell it,
then you'd lose the pain too.
A disappointment, a huge disappointment.
It's over, over. You're had it,
I've had it. It has all fallen apart.
See, there is something you can do.
You can create misery.
Will you please get out of my life?
Surely you don't think
I enjoy being here?
I get on my bike and in five minutes
I'm at school with my friends.
And here
I think it's a shame too
but it's more practical that way.
Who are we going to call? A helpline?
This is Leo Hartman.
Leaving a message is an option.
When your phone doesn't ring
any time soon, that's me.
Hi, son, it's Dad. I just wanted
to let you know I'm home.
And that every time you don't call me,
I'll answer my phone.
And I love you.
Don't tell me you are going to lie here
festering forever on your own.
On my own is better than in bad company.
Besides, I've got you.
No, no, no,
that's definitely not a good idea.
Just because I'm a bit friendlier now
doesn't mean I'll stay that way.
You will. Please. You have to.
You're thinking of him again, aren't you?
You've got that crap feeling
in your stomach again.
You know, the fart you can't hold in,
that will come out regardless.
They call that being in love.
At least you can go
and see your father tomorrow.
He can't get away
because you've parked him there.
Leave me alone.
Everyone is alone.
Everyone is alone.
I want rid of it.
- Rid of what?
- The bullshit.
- What bullshit?
- Your bullshit.
This has to stop.
- I bet he doesn't want to come.
- "I'll watch it on TV."
And you're going to give up comedy.
Your father will be pleased.
Hi, Dad. How are you doing? Not so good?
Me neither. But I'm going to get better.
Louis. How are you?
- Look who it is.
- Dad.
- I've brought your pyjamas.
- Thank you.
And?
- How's things?
- I'm still alive.
If that's good
- Had any visitors?
- Visitors?
There used to be someone
who came quite often. My son.
He's still a comedian.
He used to come now and then.
Sometimes.
You have to make an effort too, Dad.
There is entertainment here and
Entertainment?
Too much fun is had here.
What about Karel?
Maybe you can do
your ventriloquist act again.
Karel. He sits there all day
looking at me.
And laughing at me.
Look at him there. I can't stand
the sight of his stupid face anymore.
I'll tell you what. Take him with you. Go
on, I don't need him now. Take him away.
- Do you mean it?
- You can throw him away if you like.
Oh no. Someone else with problems.
Someone else who wants to give up.
I think I'm going to stop.
- Stop what?
- Comedy.
That's a good idea.
Buffoons spouting drivel into a microphone
isn't what I call comedy.
Stop it. You have to keep
your mouth still and shut.
Keeping your mouth shut
never was your strong point, eh?
So are you going to come
and watch me at Comedy Royale?
- I can see it here.
- It's live.
- You can come and sit in the audience.
- I'll watch it here on TV.
Anyway, I'm used to seeing you
on a small screen.
What are you going to do
if you give up comedy?
I don't know.
- Become a ventriloquist, I suppose.
- Then I'm definitely not coming.
- Hello.
- Hello.
You're almost there.
You've almost reached old age.
You're about to retire. And you've just
been given part of your inheritance.
We're in a park. What are we going to do?
Sit on a bench?
- Yes, I'll sit on a bench in a park.
- And smile?
Yes, I am, I'm going to smile.
What about Karel?
Are we going to become a ventriloquist?
I just find a funny voice and throw it.
It's not just about throwing things.
Your father was right. It's a talent.
- You can learn to do it.
- What have you learned up till now?
I mean new things, changed, grown.
When was the last time you grew?
Christ, that guy doesn't half go on.
You need to be careful, Ralph.
People can see you.
- Does he never shut up?
- No, never.
What is all this? Life therapy
in the centre of the city?
I sometimes think you're even crazier
than I think you are.
Who is he anyway?
A sad sod.
That's pathetic.
I can see your lips moving.
- You can't do it.
- Is he always on your back?
Yeah, he is, in fact.
Ralph, I keep telling you.
You have to make people laugh with you,
not at you.
You can make a mistake
but mustn't be the mistake.
What can he do, except for moaning
and wittering on?
Good question, Karel.
What can you do?
- Me?
- Yes, you.
I can do anything, anything you want.
I'm here for you.
Move along then.
No, not closer. Further away.
Further than that.
Stand up.
- Sing me a song.
- I can't sing.
I want you to sing me a song.
Stop it, stop it. Put me back in my bag.
Put me back in my bag, Ralph.
Thank you.
It's fine, sit down again.
- And be quiet.
- Be quiet?
Yes, be quiet, we are going to try
a minute's silence.
- I can be quiet for a minute. Are you
- Start now then.
- From now, a minute.
- Don't look like that.
I haven't started yet.
I have now.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
You're not bad at that, eh?
He can do it. He can do it.
You can do it.
Say something nice.
I told you, I can do anything.
- We can do nothing, we can do anything.
- We can do nothing, we can do anything.
We can do anything.
- Apart from ventriloquism, maybe.
- Fuck you.
Fuck you.
I'm really glad I'm no longer sitting on
your father's cupboard.
Because
I'd had enough of sitting there.
But I'd like you to
You can't do that.
See, you can't do that. I
You have to support me. Like that.
And when I speak, you have to move
my mouth, not yours.
Like that. Yes.
- OK. Understood.
- Yeah.
Don't tell me
you're really considering it.
For your Comedy Royale. Not that
it's going to be royal but this
Hello? Did I hear something?
The worst ideas are the best ideas.
The worst ideas are the best ideas.
Where did you read that?
- On the toilet wall?
- Yes.
It's the other way round.
Thinking you've had the best idea ever
is the worst idea.
- That's what they call a mind fart.
- You got a better idea, Beard Man?
Yes, I have.
- Oh yeah? What?
Not this. A brilliant idea, took less than
two seconds to come up with it.
Fine. You can carry on.
That guy is really tiresome.
Who is he?
- Just ignore him.
- I'm doing my best.
Just think: Fuck you. Fuck you.
Say it out loud.
- Fuck you.
- Well done.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Are you setting up a self-help group,
or what?
I'm here to protect you.
From mistakes.
Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes.
Always on about mistakes. What a killjoy!
Right, Ralph.
So B becomes D, OK?
Understand? Because B is too difficult,
your lips move then.
So if, for example, you want to say:
"Hello, Bozo", you say: "Hello, Dozo."
And you won't hear the difference.
If it's in a sentence
you'll just hear a B.
Understand?
It's a matter of keep practising.
Practising a lot
because your lips are still moving.
There's so little you can do
and you can't do this yet either.
Hey, Ralph, aren't you sick
of that guy next to you?
Yeah, I am.
Why don't you take a holiday?
- Us take a holiday?
- No, you take a holiday.
Catch a plane somewhere.
Yeah, and you can get out halfway.
He's funny too!
Why don't you let Karel do the show?
- That's a thought.
- It's not a thought. I don't believe it.
That would be really painful. Coming
a cropper during your last live act on TV.
Come a bit closer.
- Take that.
- Hey.
Piss off.
Well done. Thank you.
Come a bit closer, Ralphie.
Don't take any notice
of that pain in the arse.
I get the impression
he doesn't exactly make you happy.
You're not serious?
I keep telling him it's a bad idea too.
But you know what he's like.
- He won't listen.
- What the fuck, Ralph!
All forms of insanity are welcome
here on my stage.
Even desirable. You can drop your trousers
and talk out of your arse, if you want.
But there is one rule. One.
No puppet shows.
Hey, hey, talking crap in front of
a microphone is still funny, or what?
A bit retro.
- Yeah, a bit old school.
- That dummy is made of plastic.
Comedy can be whatever you like
but not plastic.
I'm not made of plastic, fatty.
I'm made of porcelain.
Well, he'll have to say "torcelain",
a P is difficult.
It's a precious material.
There. See?
He couldn't help laughing. See?
- And he doesn't usually.
- Really, you're being serious?
You're being serious?
Being serious? I don't know,
maybe a bit of a try-out here.
Because he still keeps touching his nose
too much. See that?
- We'll see whether it's a success here.
- I don't think it'll be much of one.
Hey, hey, do you mind?
You old crone, you ugly shrew.
Just make sure they laugh at you.
Karel, don't. You have to be polite
to people here. Say sorry.
Sorry.
Ralph, there are some people who,
when they drop their toast on the floor,
it always lands buttered side up.
They are the lucky devils.
Others' toast always lands buttered side
down. They're the unlucky ones.
Then there are people like you,
who put butter on both sides
to make sure things always turn out badly.
I won't be a party to that.
That's not material.
Isn't it?
OK, then we'll have to go on TV
without a try-out.
Uh-oh. That doesn't bode well.
If you insist on digging your own grave
live on TV, go ahead and do so.
But you're not using my spade.
Not with that stupid dummy.
Ow.
That hurts.
- Hey, can I ask you a question?
- Yeah
How long ago did your hairdresser die?
What's wrong with a hairbrush?
- Come on, Karel, be nice.
- OK.
Good luck, Laura. Show them
what you can do. I'll be laughing.
OK?
I used to politely
say hello to people.
And they would reply "monkey".
Those were the good old days.
Even psychologists have stolen our jobs.
Disinterestedly asking
"What's your problem?", making you cry
and then running off with your money.
That was what we did.
I was Faroek. Thank you very much.
Let me tell you a story.
Once upon a time, long, long ago,
there was a beautiful girl,
a very, very, very beautiful girl.
But it was a very, very, very
long time ago. Laura Maris.
Thank you, Bozo,
A very, very, very long time ago
he could still see that little tiny
dangly thing under his stomach.
Oh, what beautiful eyes you've got.
Oh, what beautiful hair you've got.
How about a fuck?
You won't listen to me, OK.
But people who won't listen to anyone
are crazy.
And what about Laura?
Are you really going to
You haven't come in here for a piss,
have you?
I don't trust people
who haven't come in here for a piss.
Oh, right, we're going home.
We're going to run off home
so we can lay there festering in the sack
and moaning to each other in our pyjamas.
You can run away from life
but it won't come after you.
Shut your mouth.
- You off, you old tart?
- Yes, beauty sleep and all that.
If I ever want to be beautiful again
I need to sleep for at least a year.
- Yes, at least.
- Yeah.
I'm just escorting you.
- I'm just escorting you.
- Oh no, he has come too.
- He comes everywhere with me these days.
- We're inseparable.
- Oh my God, give that here.
- No! Watch out, Ralphie.
That woman wants
to put her hand up my arse
and tell me I have to learn
to smile and breathe.
That'll do, Karel, calm down.
The grown-ups are busy.
Grown-ups? Grown-ups?
Don't make me laugh.
Hey, what's going on? Ralph, help! That
crazy woman is up to her tricks again.
- What?
- Throw it away.
- Keep your hands off.
- I gave it back.
- Here. Look.
- What?
- Look. Now he has been sick.
- I don't feel too good.
- I wonder why.
- I told you before.
I can tell bad ideas from good ones.
You thought sleeping next to you
was a bad idea too. And yet
Ralph.
Ventriloquism is out of date now.
You're out of date too.
Have you taken a good look at yourself?
Miss Marple.
- Look, she thinks it's funny.
- Yeah.
She thinks I'm funny, Ralph.
Not you, me.
Right, I have to go home.
- Who says so?
- Well I do.
You shouldn't listen to yourself
too often. That's what you told me.
- Yeah, yeah. Try to get some sleep.
- I can only sleep if you tell me stories.
What? They are so sleep-inducing.
Goodnight.
Thanks for escorting me.
- Dickhead.
- Tart.
- Moron.
- Slut.
See you the day after tomorrow? Think
carefully about bringing your new friend.
Ralph.
Ralph.
- Eyes on the ball, guys.
- As always.
- Hi. Nice to have you with us.
- Nice to be here.
My mother always said: "Olaf,
if you have to smoke, smoke salmon."
Echo, echo. Can you hear that?
Some compression, please.
Faroek, hands off those nuts.
- Dad?
- It's the prodigal son.
Hi, son.
- How's things?
- Fine, fine. What about you?
Wish I knew, actually.
How's your mum?
Fine. She told me
not to say hello from her.
- Say hello from me though.
- Will do.
And what do you think this is for?
- This funny little thing?
- Don't know. Counting my money?
No, for answering your phone now and then
when I call you.
I sometimes call you back. And I'm here
now. That's the most important thing, eh?
That's true.
That's the most important thing.
Come on, give me a hug.
I could do with one.
And so could you, maybe.
And no filthy talk, eh?
No sad crap about
"I haven't got anyone to fuck".
Your mum, your gynaecologist
and your teachers are watching.
Who invited you? Go and play outside.
On a motorway or somewhere.
Hurry to make-up,
they'll need to excavate.
It'll take two years
to find the previous layer.
Do you still get a buzz out of it?
Are you sure?
Are you sure you didn't just throw
an extra little helper,
a tiny pill down your throat?
Or two of them maybe?
I want to enjoy the evening.
Wow, that's incredible.
I didn't recognise you.
Thanks.
Well, what a metamorphosis!
You look really sexy now.
Seriously. You should do it more often.
You look just like Catherine Deneuve.
Thanks. Stop it, I'm starting
to talk to it, Ralph.
Yeah, well, that's because I'm here.
Hey, do you fancy coming for a drink
with me later?
And afterwards, we're out of here,
forever, the two of us.
What do you reckon?
- And go where?
- Wherever you want, sweetheart.
OK. And who's asking me?
Me.
That beanpole follows me everywhere,
I know.
He's crazy about you too
but he's a lost cause.
You don't need to bother about
that dimwit. You really don't.
You can have a laugh with me. You can.
I hope so.
I really hope so.
I hope so too.
In tonight's incomparable Comedy Royale
- get ready for the warm-up of the century.
- We're off.
Here is the sex god from Casablanca.
Give it up for Faroek!
Mum, Dad, I'm on TV.
I'm the first one from our family
to be on TV. Without a suicide belt.
Where does that leaves us immigrants
if no one is afraid of us?
It's not as if we've got jobs
we can fall back on.
It's a problem.
I'd be nervous if I were you.
Things didn't turn out well for Yannick.
Suicide.
You should have seen his farewell note.
Sad, really sad.
Suffered with only one F.
Raped with two Ps. I started
correcting it. Nine mistakes.
I got out my pen and wrote:
1 out of 10. Yannick, get a grip, pal.
Or things are going to end badly.
I'm Olaf Bens and you're not.
I've got a good friend,
a Chinese friend: P Kwak.
And P Kwak always says to me: Laula
Laula love is leally like a faht.
Twy to lush it and shit comes out.
Yeah, I get that.
But what if it's the opposite?
What if you say: There's something there
that I need to keep in.
I don't want that love fart to escape.
It has to stay inside me.
If you don't want it to get out,
you have to
Yeah, breathe in deeply, breathe out,
breathe in, breathe out.
I can see you know what I'm on about.
I can tell from your face.
I feel that bubble
passing through my intestines.
Like a human pinball machine.
It goes up and up.
Up to my head. And I think:
"No, I've got enough shit in my head."
And I force it back down again,
but it mustn't escape. And suddenly
Nooooo!
Like in a suspense movie.
And it has escaped.
It's no longer mine.
Everyone knows. You can tell from my face,
you can smell it.
I'm in love.
You can still ask for your two beers.
And now, the Comedy Royale headliner.
Oh yes! Oh yes! Put your hands and
all other moving body parts together
for the great Ralph Hartman!
The great Ralph Hartman.
He'd better knock us for six!
Let's see if he can pull it off.
Recently I was sitting
- No, no, not the park!
- on a bench.
Oh no.
I was. In a park.
One with a lake, I suppose?
Yes, with a lake.
Very interesting.
And suddenly someone came
and sat next to me. On this bench.
Where is this story heading?
Say something funny, Ralphie.
Right, I'm going to have to get him
out of there, otherwise
No, no, don't do that.
You can't do that Not there, idiot.
You're hurting me. No, please,
don't do that. Please don't.
My neck. Please, don't.
Right, well, I've got him out for a moment
otherwise he won't stop.
- This is
- Embarrassing.
This is embarrassing.
Oh my God. You can't do it, Ralph, you
can't do it. I can see your lips moving.
And leave your nose alone.
You'll see, ladies and gentlemen,
every time I speak he touches his nose.
Or he has lost something,
something behind us.
Because he can't do it.
He doesn't even try.
- Ralphie?
- Yes.
- Ralphie, come here.
- Why?
- Come a bit closer.
- What do you want?
No, the other side.
Then people won't see your lips moving.
OK.
You do know you are live on TV?
Everyone can see you.
- Oh
- Yeah, oh.
Everyone.
Your son is there in the audience.
Leave my arm alone. Hi, son.
It's been a while, eh?
And your father, Hubert,
do you think he's watching?
I don't know, I hope so.
I don't. He's not going to be
very happy about this.
Ladies and gentlemen, just so you know,
I used to perform with his father.
He could drink a beer and I would sing
I love, I love life.
Is he making fun of you?
- And what can you do?
- Lots of things.
You can't do anything.
All you can do is drink beer.
I think he is.
Just look at you.
- Who?
- You.
- Me?
- Yes, you.
I'm talking to you, idiot. Who else?
The great Ralph Hartman!
No, no. The great stand-up comedian
has sat down.
You should be ashamed, pal.
You really should.
He deserves all the abuse we can give him.
He's a loser.
That's the only word he can say
without his lips moving,
ladies and gentlemen: Loser!
Do you know why?
Because you are one.
You're a real prat. A prat.
That's difficult, eh?
All words with a P are difficult:
Prat, prick.
- It's like that all day: Loser
- You can't do anything, you're nothing.
- Hey! That's my voice.
- No, it's my voice.
- You've got your own voice.
- Yeah, this also my voice.
This is tiring. Sorry, Hubert.
Ralphie, you need help.
Someone should protect you.
- From who?
- From yourself.
Right, fine. I'll do it. I'll stop.
- Stop?
- Yes, I told you. I'm going to stop.
- What?
- This joke.
It'd be better if you started it!
I haven't seen many people laugh tonight.
- If you could just shut up
- Now it's my fault too.
- I'm the one saving the show.
- OK, if you won't shut up, I will.
Shutting up never was your strong point.
- OK, fine, you can do it yourself.
- Are you serious?
Yep, the stage is all yours.
Sit here.
- Leave my balls alone! This is strange.
- Very.
New blood on the comedy scene
is never a bad thing.
OK, fine.
Get your hands off my hair, you bastard.
- Give it your all.
- Get off the stage. Go on.
Thank you, I was Ralph Hartman.
He's leaving or what?
Thank you, goodbye.
- Now what?
- Stay on the dummy. OK?
I assume that applause was for me
and not for that dimwit who's just left?
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear
Am I glad to be rid of him.
Boozy Man? No, Moaning Man.
That's who he is.
See, ladies and gentlemen,
I can do it.
I can do it without moving my lips.
I can. Because I'm a pro.
Eh, Hubert?
That girl who was on before us
was on top form, wasn't she?
I like her.
And what a great story.
I thought it was very moving.
It was really I don't know.
That fart
Oops. I've just farted too.
Can you smell it?
Right, ladies and gentlemen, the show
must go on, the comedy must go on.
- He's not coming back.
- A Smurf gets ink on his hand.
"Oh no, another blue stain."
See, comedy isn't that difficult.
A man comes into a bar.
He says to the barman: "I want something
big, ice cold and full of whisky."
And the man next to him says:
"Here's my wife's phone number."
Hurray! A hit! I'm doing a good job.
I don't know what it is
but I feel a bit strange.
Someone has had his arm up my arse
for days on end
and now he's gone and I feel liberated.
I really feel
like I can breathe again,
like someone has switched the light on.
I don't know what it is but
I feel I feel better.
I feel happy.
Everybody happy?
What do you think, ladies and gentleman,
shall I sing a song? Yes?
Oh, yes. You want a song, eh?
Right, you can have one. Here you are.
I love, I love life
It may not be nice
It is a shame If rain
Falls and falls On me
But you are there
What? Shit
- There are 17 minutes to go, aren't there?
- Um, yes Yes.
Christ.
Ralph
DEDICATED TO
YOU
We love happy people.
Welcome to the comedy paralympics.
You can spot our first paralympian's
handicap in his name: Faroek.
"Political parties don't work like that."
"I don't work either."
Give her all your love,
she really needs it. Here is Laura Maris.
He won the Comedy Challenge.
Our blonde Adonis, Olaf Bens.
I've missed you. I really have.
Have you missed me?
I'm Olaf Bens and you're not.
That was him.
And now our headliner this evening.
The Cadillac of comedy.
An old Cadillac
You don't get rid of it, you keep it.
He's warming up for Comedy Royale
on the 17th, live on your TV.
Ladies and gentlemen, the man I love,
the man you love, the man we love.
Ralph Hartman.
Oh yes! Oh yes!
Oh yes!
Good evening. Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Lately I always walk around
with two beers.
That's so much better than one beer,
it's more balanced that way.
It is. That's important.
One to quench my thirst and
another to wash the first one down.
I do everything with beer since then.
Everything.
Cooking with beer. They act like
they've invented something new
but I've been cooking with beer
for years.
Saucepan there, beer here.
Beer makes me a better man.
- That's not very many.
- What do you mean? That's great.
If you've got six laughs in a minute
but they're only short ones,
- that sucks.
- So you need long laughs?
- What about long weak laughs?
- It means your jokes make them yawn.
You just don't get it, do you?
I also went hunting with my son.
With a bow and arrow.
And my two beers, I took them too,
with my bow and arrow.
"Daddy, Daddy, there, a deer."
"Where?" "There."
Then I Twang Whoosh
We were banned
from going to the petting farm again.
Water is boring, isn't it?
Water Animals drink it.
Animals are boring.
Have you ever seen a funny fish?
I haven't.
I've never heard anyone say:
"I bumped into a funny cod."
"That sprat was a bundle of laughs!"
No, there's no such thing.
Animals are boring. Full stop.
I hate animals.
I hate them because we need to hate.
It's healthy.
Hate is bodybuilding for the soul.
It cleanses the mind.
Otherwise nothing changes.
The wheel was only invented
because everyone hated,
everyone was fed up with
always having to carry everything.
I should have hated my wife more.
I should've hated her more
like she hated me.
A divorce is
A divorce is legal butchery after
all other attempts at murder have failed.
There you go, someone is going
to sleep well tonight. Thank you.
Thanks for coming. Next.
A selfie? Of course.
There's no need to be scared to ask.
Selfie time? OK then.
Hold me tight, make the most of it.
Take a wide shot
so you can fit my ego in.
There you go.
Make sure you get home safely.
Let me know when you've chosen.
- Right, guys. Who's having lasagne?
- Is there pork in it?
Ayatollah Faroekini.
A model Muslim until there's
a bottle of whisky in front of him.
Only if it has been bottled
with the neck facing East.
It's for disinfection purposes.
I'm surrounded by pigs.
Right, come on, how many lasagnes?
Old Cadillac? What do you want?
- To eat?
- No, in life, in your career.
What are your dreams, your
expectations? What do you want?
- I don't know.
- Don't you?
- You don't know?
- Lasagne?
Yes.
At last! Lasagne for everyone.
And rabbit food for our imam.
He's hatching something. He's about to
hit us with the one-liner of the year.
- One for posterity.
- He's thinking about it.
A brief pause.
It's all about timing. Timing.
- What is the time?
- Yes.
That's timing. That's timing.
- Oh yes.
- Oh yes.
He's still the greatest.
He has still got it.
Have we already ordered?
You stopped.
- Are you my doctor now?
- Yes.
And your mother-in-law.
And your manager.
And the latter says
it's time to get back on form.
You've only got two weeks.
And after that the tour starts.
It all needs a bit more punch.
Your closing joke, for example,
wasn't exactly a killer.
Even the spotlight couldn't follow it!
Think like a sportsman.
You need to peak.
Tomorrow is another working day and
TV Theo is coming in the evening.
You've no idea the lengths I had to go to.
It still hurts.
Tomorrow evening is the last one, guys.
I'll buy you all a round.
- The drinks are on Bozo.
- I'm going to bed. I'm tired.
Yeah, me too.
What about one from the mini-bar?
How's that for an idea?
That is an idea.
- Maybe not a bad idea?
- I'm not so sure about that.
Good evening.
- I thought you really were that tall.
- Oh, no.
- Oops, sorry.
- Can you manage?
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight, Julie.
- Honestly, Hartman.
- That wasn't me.
No, that was me in a lift, or what?
Sorry, Julie.
You filthy bitch!
You vulgar trollop!
You wouldn't have got anywhere. Admit it,
that girl could be your daughter.
Yeah, and you my grandmother.
What a coincidence!
Our rooms are next to each other.
And I've got a lovely bottle of water.
- Go on in, I'll fetch your straitjacket.
- Don't forget the whip and a ball.
- Tart.
- Lecher.
- Slut.
- Lush.
Goodnight, Grandma.
Goodnight, Grandpa.
- One thing is important in life, balance.
- Oh yes.
- Good things come in twos.
- Oh yes.
- A balanced grain-based diet is healthy.
- Oh yes.
Even when it comes to alcohol, it's very
important to get the balance right.
Oh yes!
Filou, twice the pleasure
because life is too full to
Loser.
It feels naked like that, doesn't it?
Not good, not normal.
But that isn't either.
Goddammit.
You're a real gift to yourself.
Yeah.
I thought you really were that tall.
The standout stand-up comic genius.
Oh man, that was really painful.
I just need to get some sleep.
Sleep, goddammit.
Yeah yeah. Are you going to look to see
if you still exist?
Whether someone thought of you?
Watched you on YouTube.
Liked you.
No, let's contact the son first.
Little Leo. Unavailable.
- Unavailable.
- Everyone is unavailable.
Except for Laura.
But we're not going to do that, are we?
No, we can't do that.
Sleep.
And tomorrow?
You need to do something.
Make something of your life,
for example.
- Aren't you going to eat?
- I'm not hungry.
- Did you get any sleep?
- Not a solitary wink.
- Are you stressed?
- Stressed?
- Yes, with three Ss.
- What is stressed?
What is it? It's when you aren't hungry,
you can't sleep,
your head aches, your neck aches,
your stomach, your guts, your arse
and you ask what stressed is,
then you are stressed.
- So I'm stressed.
- Then you've got problems.
Well, we've got problems.
Have we got problems?
Fortunately there are solutions.
All cyclists have an off day.
- What's this?
- He thinks you're going crazy.
It's not the heavy artillery,
just Daddy's little helper.
Opens up your throat.
Lets the oxygen in.
You take this too?
How do you think
I am always so happy
in spite of having to look at
your miserable face?
If your throat is too tight,
the humour can't get out.
The 17th, Comedy Royale, live on TV.
It's not long till then.
And then the tour. Are you ready?
Have you already got some material?
You know, Ralph, there are plenty of
other people who are good at being funny.
Breakfast with Brutus. Check your back
to make sure there's no knife in it.
Sleep.
It's something so simple.
Babies can do it.
- But you can't, Medicated Man.
- Not if you keep me awake.
At least I'm thinking of your future.
Or your lack of one.
Theo Vinckens, the great TV Theo,
is coming specially to this hole.
To see whether it's any good.
And you're lying there festering in
the sack because your pill isn't working.
Yeah, that's it. Go on the forum.
Read some comments.
There you are.
Olaf's are good, aren't they?
Nice
Oh, you won't be very pleased about that.
Why don't you call a good friend?
"Hello, I feel bad."
Oh no, that's true, you haven't got
any friends left. Certainly not good ones.
So who are you going to tell?
That you are nothing, can do nothing,
have only been pretending all your life.
Pretending to be able to do something,
pretending to be someone.
I was standing smoking a cigarette with
Pythagoras and tripped over his triangle.
My mother was furious.
She didn't know I smoked.
She said: "Olaf, if you have to smoke
something, smoke salmon.
Or mackerel."
There you are, people like that.
Crank it up,
I need to be able to hear myself.
He's a pro.
Honestly, Faroek. "TV Theo. TV Theo.
We want to be on TV, Theo."
I'm not necessarily against
a good stoning, you know.
- It can be quite enjoyable.
- Shhh, he's here.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Look who it is. In plenty of time.
- And? Everything
- Yeah, everything
Yeah.
My father won't let me go out.
It's not as if they'll let me in anywhere.
Is that the punchline?
When I used to go out, I really did
go out, I didn't go in anywhere.
That's the punchline?
Welcome to Comedy Cruise.
Welcome to the comedy paralympics.
Our first paralympian, ladies and
gentlemen, is also our youngest.
His name is Faroek and his jokes
are a bit like his fellow countrymen,
they don't all work.
- The phenomenon that is Faroek.
- Come on, let's go and see where he is.
Theo Vinckens,
the big cheese in TV comedy.
Come on.
You know you want to go and see.
My father never let me go out.
I was never allowed out,
I was never allowed in either.
When I was younger and went out,
I really did go out, I never went in.
- Have you got a cigarette?
- Thought you'd stopped.
I thought so too.
You're not stressed about
that clown from TV, are you?
- Stressed? What's stressed?
- Here. It can kill you.
Really? Excellent.
Give me a few more.
- Hey, good luck. Knock 'em dead.
- Yeah.
You must admit, we're happy to leave
the house to see a Moroccan sweat.
Vinckens is in the sixth row.
Next to a real doll.
Are they a fringe benefit?
A number of make-up girls have fallen
down the crevices between her wrinkles
and never been seen again.
Give her all your love,
she really needs it. Here is Laura Maris.
Thank you, Bozo. That's Latin, by the way,
for "bastard". Good evening.
Can you see him? Theo Vinckens?
Mr. Comedy Royale.
With his chick.
You are scared of me.
You are scared.
Admit it.
Close that curtain.
How old are you?
Yet I've done my best.
I've tried to act like a woman,
tossing my hair
and saying, when in your company:
"Being here with you is fantastic.
Is there anything I can do for you?
I'm available."
He has already laughed.
He doesn't usually.
He's a fan of yours.
Of Boozy Man.
Look, I'm walking behind you
in high heels. Don't go so fast.
They walk away even faster.
It's cool, isn't it?
It's cool, the two of us are here.
With Vinckens in the house.
Together on TV soon.
Knock 'em dead in a minute, eh?
Who the man? You the man.
Who the man? You the man.
Have you got a light?
- A light?
- In my heart.
Are we smoking again?
I thought we'd stopped.
- I'm going to stop this, I'm not joking.
- Aren't you?
You should be joking.
That's what you should be doing.
Vinckens will make Olaf Polaf
the headliner if you're not careful.
You can do it, man.
At least you used to be able to do it.
- I can go with you, if you like.
- No way.
What do you mean, no way?
It's now or never, pal. It's not as if
you couldn't do with some help.
I'm just going to coach you a bit.
It's now or now, Ralphie.
Incredible! The groaning is amazing.
But what I like most
is political groaning.
The Far Right's orgasmic groan.
Nein, nein, nein, jawohl!
Fantastic!
Or you, sir
You're the kind who groans like a pig.
And you, madam, I bet you sound like
a horse neighing
He's got them rolling in the aisles.
I love to groan, I must be honest.
And when I groan,
I like saying my own name best.
Look at that. He's already stolen
ten minutes of your time.
He's devouring it all.
There won't be any laughs left.
- Hey
- Yes, I know he's going over his time.
Have you got your beers?
Get your beers.
For your balance.
- We're not discussing it now, Ralph.
- It's your trademark.
People love it.
You're going for it.
You're giving it your all.
And she starts groaning.
But it's as if it's never any good.
Is she groaning or just moaning?
Do it again, the great Boozy Man act.
I'm now going to make way for
the great Ralph Hartman.
He was my hero. Along with Daffy Duck
and my infant teacher.
I think he's a bit nervous. Just now he
came and asked me if underpants can rust.
"No, Ralph, I don't think so."
"Oh, then I think
I must have shit myself."
He's taking the piss, or even the shit,
out of you. With Vinckens in the audience.
I'm Olaf Bens and you're not.
I just said it for a laugh, man.
It was a homage.
I've no idea
what the jury had smoked, taken or drunk.
Surprise me.
- And now for our headliner today.
- We can do it, Ralphie.
- The Cadillac of comedy.
- We can do it.
An old Cadillac, I admit,
an old Cadillac,
but you don't get rid of an old Cadillac,
you keep it.
For spare parts.
He's warming up for the 17th,
for Comedy Royale,
live on your TV.
The man I love, the man you love,
the man we love,
Ralph Hartman.
Showtime!
No, don't, Ralph!
Good evening.
Thank you, thank you.
I've got an alcohol problem.
I have. I've stopped drinking.
No, I've stopped. I've stopped it all.
Don't take pills anymore.
Don't fuck anymore either.
These days I regularly sit
on a bench in a park.
With a lake. That's something new.
It's I've never done it before.
Your first joke should've happened
about now.
That's new.
Mind you, I like sitting down.
Standing here like this, no.
- I'd much rather sit down.
- Faster.
- You all sat down too.
- It's not working.
Last week I was sitting on the tram.
A tram full of old people.
I thought to myself, I'm comfortable here,
I'm not moving. A
- Your rhythm.
- sweet little old lady got on.
She couldn't reach the handrail
and she gave me a dirty look.
But I thought to myself,
I'm comfortable here.
I think that when you reach a certain age
you should lie down.
Not stand up anymore.
And that's what she did.
At the next stop down she went,
flat on her stomach.
- Crazy.
- I said: There you go.
That's the position you should be in,
lying down.
Maybe you should've used your beers.
These days I regularly sit on a bench.
Hey, Vinckens is busy on his phone.
But I didn't have any bread with me.
There's nothing there that eats bread.
No ducks, no Nothing, no birds,
nothing that eats bread.
Well, there were some gypsy children
who eat bread but
Throwing bread at them is a bit tricky.
But nothing's impossible. You just need
to have some stale bread with you
or some hard rolls
You can really hurt someone with those.
But I was sitting on that bench
in that park and you think,
because you've sat on the bench
three times, that the bench is yours.
And this week
someone came and sat next to me.
Whatever made you think you could do this?
On the same bench.
- But I'm sitting on that bench
- What are you trying to say?
And I try not to think.
But I can't not think.
European stand-up, for example, is always
narrative, narrative, narrative.
Where's the joke? Where's the joke?
The American way is the way to do it.
It's not like you can't join them.
In the style of
a Smurf gets ink from his pen on his hand.
Fuck! Another blue stain.
- Ralph.
- Theo.
Was that new material
for the 17th or?
Was that material?
No.
- Old, new, good, bad.
- Only bad.
Hartman is a never-ending try-out.
- A try-out of his life, eh Ralph?
- He'll be ready by the time he's dead.
Premiere. Where is Hartman?
Fuck, he's dead!
Well, editing makes a big difference
but it's live.
So there is no editing.
I could do one of my Hartman impressions.
If he's dead. As a homage. "Oh yes."
What? Can't you keep up?
Or his best one: "What time is it?"
Is the humour stuck in your throat?
- I don't feel very well.
- I thought you were looking pale.
Are we going to play it that way? "I don't
feel very well. I want to go home."
- Ate something that didn't agree with me.
- Or drank something that didn't.
The idea is that you stand there
wagging your tail too.
Oh no, that's true.
We don't want to be on a TV games how.
- We're not doing that.
- No, we're not doing that.
We're just going to sit here
groaning and sighing.
I'm not sighing.
It has been an intense day, big man.
I'll give you something to make you sleep
and I'll drive you back to the hotel.
- More pills, a great idea!
- Or get you a taxi, maybe.
- Thanks for dropping grandpa off.
- I've always wanted to play ambulances.
Oh man
I'm tired, dead tired, tired of myself.
- Do you know what I mean?
- Yes, I know what you mean.
Sometimes you mustn't listen to yourself.
You're going to have
to find a solution, Ralph.
Yeah, apparently you are supposed
to find something in life.
And I find myself thinking
you should come and have a drink with me.
Well, he's better already.
- With the right doctor
- No, no.
I'm not playing doctors with you. They're
waiting for me and I still have to
Work on my TV career a bit.
Goodnight, Hartman.
- What if I can't sleep?
- Breathe in deeply and try harder.
I think I forgot my wheelchair.
I'll send the nasty night nurse
to see you
No thanks.
Sorry, you're going to have
to make do with me.
Were you making a move on her?
Yeah, you were making a move on her.
First you do.
Then you don't.
You think so much about things
but you don't think.
Have you ever thought about that?
We're not going to start that again,
are we?
You're making an ass of yourself.
And he's an ass too.
Two stupid asses together.
Nothing but people having fun.
How long has it been since you had fun?
You really are like a semi-limp dick.
Can't do anything with it.
Can't piss or fuck.
Laura can still see the difference.
But that's never going to happen, never.
You're too stupid for that.
Have another one. Go on.
That's it, Ralph.
Ralph Hartman.
Oh, these figures aren't looking good.
Now what?
You used to have loads of brilliant ideas.
Where has your energy gone?
Do you think anyone really needs you?
Are you tired? Tired of being tired?
Scared of being scared.
That's it, tranquillisers
on a bed of alcohol.
Now we're rolling like the stars, baby.
Going to destroy your hotel room?
That's what real stars do.
Does this meet expectations, Ralph?
Your father's expectations?
People's expectations?
Bungling idiot!
Buffoon!
Oh yes!
Fresh air.
Have a cigarette.
That's always a good idea.
One second and you're down there
on the ground.
One second and you've left it all behind.
One second and everything is sorted.
It's not going to get any better,
this long try-out of your life.
I can understand you don't know
how to live, that's difficult.
But not knowing how to die
Everyone knows that.
It's the hell for me
And just like Laura I'm
-Single
-Single
I'm single
Then they can do Comedy Royale
with archive footage.
But no one will laugh
because you will have just died.
Olaf can do your tour
Bozo happy, everybody happy.
You can't do that.
Let the man sleep.
You'll have to write a farewell note
and it will have to be funny.
It will have to be profound too,
of course, with a message.
Suppose no one comes to your funeral
Come on.
Leave me alone.
We'll do it together. Come on.
Go away. Fall!
You don't dare, you don't dare.
You don't dare.
What do you think he'll think,
if you knock on his door
in the middle of the night?
We're going to fly.
We're going to fly together.
How are you ever going to fly
if you don't dare to jump?
Coward.
You haven't got the balls, pal.
- Go on, fall!
- Come on then.
Look at you standing there.
The needy one again.
Laura.
Laura.
You weren't asleep yet?
I can't sleep, I
- Laura
- You were practising my name, or what?
Can't I just come and sleep with you
for a bit?
Ralph I'm quite good at distinguishing
a good idea from a bad one.
And that's a bad idea.
I don't sleep very well myself.
How about staying awake together then?
I will be extremely well behaved.
Well behaved?
Hold on
Sorry.
I really am dead tired.
I know a brilliant trick.
I'll teach you.
Look carefully.
That's a smile.
Go on, do it.
There you go.
Smile, breathe in and breathe out.
Can you feel it? It can be
as fake as you like. Just do it.
Even if your head is full of dark shit,
your brain says:
"Hey I'm happy!
I'm cheerful after all."
There, that's my trick.
As simple as anything.
Smile, breathe in and breathe out.
Right, OK
Comedy is like armpit hair.
Annoying.
- Too long.
- Embarrassing.
The comedian's rhetoric.
I can see it now already.
Olaf Bens' autobiography,
The Comedian's Rhetoric.
- Is it working?
- Amazingly
Not at all.
I almost had a threesome
last night, almost.
I just had to find the other two.
That's a good one.
It pains me to say so but it's good.
A hit!
That's dangerous, you fools.
- Hello.
- Hello.
What exactly are we up to with Laura?
What about later? What are we going to say
once summer camp is over?
This morning Bozo told me he wants to be
my manager and promote my one-man show.
Keeping on doing these line-ups is
Is perfect preparation for the real work,
eh, Hartman?
Make sure you don't piss on your shoes.
And wash your hands, boys.
- Black, eh? No milk or sugar?
- Yes. As black as my soul.
I'm a sugar baby.
- Oops, sorry. Sorry.
- You did that on purpose, didn't you?
- So you could
- Of course I did.
Look, I've got it everywhere.
Sorry, Ralph.
See that?
Feeling that way is crap, isn't it?
That feeling in your stomach?
Oh, please.
- You aren't
- Enjoying it, no.
Well, there you go.
- What do you mean, there you go?
- You're going to get hurt again.
The only one hurting me
at the moment is you.
Oh. Wow. What's that?
- Are you stressed?
- Stressed? What's stressed?
Apparently you can tell from your teeth
if you are stressed. Can I see?
Swallow. That's it.
Looks like a graveyard in there.
What are you going to do when you get old?
I am old.
- How old are you?
- Old enough.
- What about you?
- Young. Young enough.
Hartman, there's an article
about you in here.
A paedophile. No?
Faroek? Faroek?
Salami aleikum, I'm halal.
This girl is halal.
Thanks for dropping me off, Bozo.
See you Monday?
Yep! Bozo Mondays. Fun days.
Aren't you going to say something?
Laura
That's something, but not much.
Yes, that's my name, Laura.
I was Laura Maris.
Look after yourself.
- Well done, Laura Maris.
- That'll do.
Welcome home.
Ralph?
As if there isn't enough oxygen
in the air. Sound familiar?
You can't see the way ahead anymore.
It's time to turn on your headlights.
Look, there is a way ahead.
You just have to be able to see it.
There is always a way ahead.
You should work in comedy.
You don't have to believe me.
You don't have to take my pills either.
But please, let yourself be helped
by someone who can help you.
It's a funnel.
You're here.
And you can still get out here.
Grab hold of something, something big
that can't fall through there.
If you fall through here
and then have to find that hole
so you can climb back up again
Believe me, my friend.
I've been there.
Put together a good show for next week.
You can have another try-out
at the next Bozo Monday.
If you feel like it.
Yeah. Feel like it
Yeah. Yeah.
Feel like it.
- Thanks for dropping me off.
- You're welcome.
And for the wise lessons for life.
Good advice is like
a tip for a taxi driver,
no matter how small it is
you have to take it.
Is it true?
Are you becoming depressed?
What a clich!
It's a bit like a beard these days.
It's the latest fashion.
This is my house.
It's my key. It's my door.
Or a burnout. A burnout.
I'm still outside, Ralph.
Come on, we can talk about this, Ralph.
Do you still remember?
Still remember everything?
How cross she was when you threw your
jacket on the chair and left it there?
And how warm it was in the house
when you came home?
Why aren't you better than this?
All those memories.
You really don't learn, do you?
So much pain.
It's as if the house can feel it.
You can't sell it,
then you'd lose the pain too.
A disappointment, a huge disappointment.
It's over, over. You're had it,
I've had it. It has all fallen apart.
See, there is something you can do.
You can create misery.
Will you please get out of my life?
Surely you don't think
I enjoy being here?
I get on my bike and in five minutes
I'm at school with my friends.
And here
I think it's a shame too
but it's more practical that way.
Who are we going to call? A helpline?
This is Leo Hartman.
Leaving a message is an option.
When your phone doesn't ring
any time soon, that's me.
Hi, son, it's Dad. I just wanted
to let you know I'm home.
And that every time you don't call me,
I'll answer my phone.
And I love you.
Don't tell me you are going to lie here
festering forever on your own.
On my own is better than in bad company.
Besides, I've got you.
No, no, no,
that's definitely not a good idea.
Just because I'm a bit friendlier now
doesn't mean I'll stay that way.
You will. Please. You have to.
You're thinking of him again, aren't you?
You've got that crap feeling
in your stomach again.
You know, the fart you can't hold in,
that will come out regardless.
They call that being in love.
At least you can go
and see your father tomorrow.
He can't get away
because you've parked him there.
Leave me alone.
Everyone is alone.
Everyone is alone.
I want rid of it.
- Rid of what?
- The bullshit.
- What bullshit?
- Your bullshit.
This has to stop.
- I bet he doesn't want to come.
- "I'll watch it on TV."
And you're going to give up comedy.
Your father will be pleased.
Hi, Dad. How are you doing? Not so good?
Me neither. But I'm going to get better.
Louis. How are you?
- Look who it is.
- Dad.
- I've brought your pyjamas.
- Thank you.
And?
- How's things?
- I'm still alive.
If that's good
- Had any visitors?
- Visitors?
There used to be someone
who came quite often. My son.
He's still a comedian.
He used to come now and then.
Sometimes.
You have to make an effort too, Dad.
There is entertainment here and
Entertainment?
Too much fun is had here.
What about Karel?
Maybe you can do
your ventriloquist act again.
Karel. He sits there all day
looking at me.
And laughing at me.
Look at him there. I can't stand
the sight of his stupid face anymore.
I'll tell you what. Take him with you. Go
on, I don't need him now. Take him away.
- Do you mean it?
- You can throw him away if you like.
Oh no. Someone else with problems.
Someone else who wants to give up.
I think I'm going to stop.
- Stop what?
- Comedy.
That's a good idea.
Buffoons spouting drivel into a microphone
isn't what I call comedy.
Stop it. You have to keep
your mouth still and shut.
Keeping your mouth shut
never was your strong point, eh?
So are you going to come
and watch me at Comedy Royale?
- I can see it here.
- It's live.
- You can come and sit in the audience.
- I'll watch it here on TV.
Anyway, I'm used to seeing you
on a small screen.
What are you going to do
if you give up comedy?
I don't know.
- Become a ventriloquist, I suppose.
- Then I'm definitely not coming.
- Hello.
- Hello.
You're almost there.
You've almost reached old age.
You're about to retire. And you've just
been given part of your inheritance.
We're in a park. What are we going to do?
Sit on a bench?
- Yes, I'll sit on a bench in a park.
- And smile?
Yes, I am, I'm going to smile.
What about Karel?
Are we going to become a ventriloquist?
I just find a funny voice and throw it.
It's not just about throwing things.
Your father was right. It's a talent.
- You can learn to do it.
- What have you learned up till now?
I mean new things, changed, grown.
When was the last time you grew?
Christ, that guy doesn't half go on.
You need to be careful, Ralph.
People can see you.
- Does he never shut up?
- No, never.
What is all this? Life therapy
in the centre of the city?
I sometimes think you're even crazier
than I think you are.
Who is he anyway?
A sad sod.
That's pathetic.
I can see your lips moving.
- You can't do it.
- Is he always on your back?
Yeah, he is, in fact.
Ralph, I keep telling you.
You have to make people laugh with you,
not at you.
You can make a mistake
but mustn't be the mistake.
What can he do, except for moaning
and wittering on?
Good question, Karel.
What can you do?
- Me?
- Yes, you.
I can do anything, anything you want.
I'm here for you.
Move along then.
No, not closer. Further away.
Further than that.
Stand up.
- Sing me a song.
- I can't sing.
I want you to sing me a song.
Stop it, stop it. Put me back in my bag.
Put me back in my bag, Ralph.
Thank you.
It's fine, sit down again.
- And be quiet.
- Be quiet?
Yes, be quiet, we are going to try
a minute's silence.
- I can be quiet for a minute. Are you
- Start now then.
- From now, a minute.
- Don't look like that.
I haven't started yet.
I have now.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
You're not bad at that, eh?
He can do it. He can do it.
You can do it.
Say something nice.
I told you, I can do anything.
- We can do nothing, we can do anything.
- We can do nothing, we can do anything.
We can do anything.
- Apart from ventriloquism, maybe.
- Fuck you.
Fuck you.
I'm really glad I'm no longer sitting on
your father's cupboard.
Because
I'd had enough of sitting there.
But I'd like you to
You can't do that.
See, you can't do that. I
You have to support me. Like that.
And when I speak, you have to move
my mouth, not yours.
Like that. Yes.
- OK. Understood.
- Yeah.
Don't tell me
you're really considering it.
For your Comedy Royale. Not that
it's going to be royal but this
Hello? Did I hear something?
The worst ideas are the best ideas.
The worst ideas are the best ideas.
Where did you read that?
- On the toilet wall?
- Yes.
It's the other way round.
Thinking you've had the best idea ever
is the worst idea.
- That's what they call a mind fart.
- You got a better idea, Beard Man?
Yes, I have.
- Oh yeah? What?
Not this. A brilliant idea, took less than
two seconds to come up with it.
Fine. You can carry on.
That guy is really tiresome.
Who is he?
- Just ignore him.
- I'm doing my best.
Just think: Fuck you. Fuck you.
Say it out loud.
- Fuck you.
- Well done.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Are you setting up a self-help group,
or what?
I'm here to protect you.
From mistakes.
Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes.
Always on about mistakes. What a killjoy!
Right, Ralph.
So B becomes D, OK?
Understand? Because B is too difficult,
your lips move then.
So if, for example, you want to say:
"Hello, Bozo", you say: "Hello, Dozo."
And you won't hear the difference.
If it's in a sentence
you'll just hear a B.
Understand?
It's a matter of keep practising.
Practising a lot
because your lips are still moving.
There's so little you can do
and you can't do this yet either.
Hey, Ralph, aren't you sick
of that guy next to you?
Yeah, I am.
Why don't you take a holiday?
- Us take a holiday?
- No, you take a holiday.
Catch a plane somewhere.
Yeah, and you can get out halfway.
He's funny too!
Why don't you let Karel do the show?
- That's a thought.
- It's not a thought. I don't believe it.
That would be really painful. Coming
a cropper during your last live act on TV.
Come a bit closer.
- Take that.
- Hey.
Piss off.
Well done. Thank you.
Come a bit closer, Ralphie.
Don't take any notice
of that pain in the arse.
I get the impression
he doesn't exactly make you happy.
You're not serious?
I keep telling him it's a bad idea too.
But you know what he's like.
- He won't listen.
- What the fuck, Ralph!
All forms of insanity are welcome
here on my stage.
Even desirable. You can drop your trousers
and talk out of your arse, if you want.
But there is one rule. One.
No puppet shows.
Hey, hey, talking crap in front of
a microphone is still funny, or what?
A bit retro.
- Yeah, a bit old school.
- That dummy is made of plastic.
Comedy can be whatever you like
but not plastic.
I'm not made of plastic, fatty.
I'm made of porcelain.
Well, he'll have to say "torcelain",
a P is difficult.
It's a precious material.
There. See?
He couldn't help laughing. See?
- And he doesn't usually.
- Really, you're being serious?
You're being serious?
Being serious? I don't know,
maybe a bit of a try-out here.
Because he still keeps touching his nose
too much. See that?
- We'll see whether it's a success here.
- I don't think it'll be much of one.
Hey, hey, do you mind?
You old crone, you ugly shrew.
Just make sure they laugh at you.
Karel, don't. You have to be polite
to people here. Say sorry.
Sorry.
Ralph, there are some people who,
when they drop their toast on the floor,
it always lands buttered side up.
They are the lucky devils.
Others' toast always lands buttered side
down. They're the unlucky ones.
Then there are people like you,
who put butter on both sides
to make sure things always turn out badly.
I won't be a party to that.
That's not material.
Isn't it?
OK, then we'll have to go on TV
without a try-out.
Uh-oh. That doesn't bode well.
If you insist on digging your own grave
live on TV, go ahead and do so.
But you're not using my spade.
Not with that stupid dummy.
Ow.
That hurts.
- Hey, can I ask you a question?
- Yeah
How long ago did your hairdresser die?
What's wrong with a hairbrush?
- Come on, Karel, be nice.
- OK.
Good luck, Laura. Show them
what you can do. I'll be laughing.
OK?
I used to politely
say hello to people.
And they would reply "monkey".
Those were the good old days.
Even psychologists have stolen our jobs.
Disinterestedly asking
"What's your problem?", making you cry
and then running off with your money.
That was what we did.
I was Faroek. Thank you very much.
Let me tell you a story.
Once upon a time, long, long ago,
there was a beautiful girl,
a very, very, very beautiful girl.
But it was a very, very, very
long time ago. Laura Maris.
Thank you, Bozo,
A very, very, very long time ago
he could still see that little tiny
dangly thing under his stomach.
Oh, what beautiful eyes you've got.
Oh, what beautiful hair you've got.
How about a fuck?
You won't listen to me, OK.
But people who won't listen to anyone
are crazy.
And what about Laura?
Are you really going to
You haven't come in here for a piss,
have you?
I don't trust people
who haven't come in here for a piss.
Oh, right, we're going home.
We're going to run off home
so we can lay there festering in the sack
and moaning to each other in our pyjamas.
You can run away from life
but it won't come after you.
Shut your mouth.
- You off, you old tart?
- Yes, beauty sleep and all that.
If I ever want to be beautiful again
I need to sleep for at least a year.
- Yes, at least.
- Yeah.
I'm just escorting you.
- I'm just escorting you.
- Oh no, he has come too.
- He comes everywhere with me these days.
- We're inseparable.
- Oh my God, give that here.
- No! Watch out, Ralphie.
That woman wants
to put her hand up my arse
and tell me I have to learn
to smile and breathe.
That'll do, Karel, calm down.
The grown-ups are busy.
Grown-ups? Grown-ups?
Don't make me laugh.
Hey, what's going on? Ralph, help! That
crazy woman is up to her tricks again.
- What?
- Throw it away.
- Keep your hands off.
- I gave it back.
- Here. Look.
- What?
- Look. Now he has been sick.
- I don't feel too good.
- I wonder why.
- I told you before.
I can tell bad ideas from good ones.
You thought sleeping next to you
was a bad idea too. And yet
Ralph.
Ventriloquism is out of date now.
You're out of date too.
Have you taken a good look at yourself?
Miss Marple.
- Look, she thinks it's funny.
- Yeah.
She thinks I'm funny, Ralph.
Not you, me.
Right, I have to go home.
- Who says so?
- Well I do.
You shouldn't listen to yourself
too often. That's what you told me.
- Yeah, yeah. Try to get some sleep.
- I can only sleep if you tell me stories.
What? They are so sleep-inducing.
Goodnight.
Thanks for escorting me.
- Dickhead.
- Tart.
- Moron.
- Slut.
See you the day after tomorrow? Think
carefully about bringing your new friend.
Ralph.
Ralph.
- Eyes on the ball, guys.
- As always.
- Hi. Nice to have you with us.
- Nice to be here.
My mother always said: "Olaf,
if you have to smoke, smoke salmon."
Echo, echo. Can you hear that?
Some compression, please.
Faroek, hands off those nuts.
- Dad?
- It's the prodigal son.
Hi, son.
- How's things?
- Fine, fine. What about you?
Wish I knew, actually.
How's your mum?
Fine. She told me
not to say hello from her.
- Say hello from me though.
- Will do.
And what do you think this is for?
- This funny little thing?
- Don't know. Counting my money?
No, for answering your phone now and then
when I call you.
I sometimes call you back. And I'm here
now. That's the most important thing, eh?
That's true.
That's the most important thing.
Come on, give me a hug.
I could do with one.
And so could you, maybe.
And no filthy talk, eh?
No sad crap about
"I haven't got anyone to fuck".
Your mum, your gynaecologist
and your teachers are watching.
Who invited you? Go and play outside.
On a motorway or somewhere.
Hurry to make-up,
they'll need to excavate.
It'll take two years
to find the previous layer.
Do you still get a buzz out of it?
Are you sure?
Are you sure you didn't just throw
an extra little helper,
a tiny pill down your throat?
Or two of them maybe?
I want to enjoy the evening.
Wow, that's incredible.
I didn't recognise you.
Thanks.
Well, what a metamorphosis!
You look really sexy now.
Seriously. You should do it more often.
You look just like Catherine Deneuve.
Thanks. Stop it, I'm starting
to talk to it, Ralph.
Yeah, well, that's because I'm here.
Hey, do you fancy coming for a drink
with me later?
And afterwards, we're out of here,
forever, the two of us.
What do you reckon?
- And go where?
- Wherever you want, sweetheart.
OK. And who's asking me?
Me.
That beanpole follows me everywhere,
I know.
He's crazy about you too
but he's a lost cause.
You don't need to bother about
that dimwit. You really don't.
You can have a laugh with me. You can.
I hope so.
I really hope so.
I hope so too.
In tonight's incomparable Comedy Royale
- get ready for the warm-up of the century.
- We're off.
Here is the sex god from Casablanca.
Give it up for Faroek!
Mum, Dad, I'm on TV.
I'm the first one from our family
to be on TV. Without a suicide belt.
Where does that leaves us immigrants
if no one is afraid of us?
It's not as if we've got jobs
we can fall back on.
It's a problem.
I'd be nervous if I were you.
Things didn't turn out well for Yannick.
Suicide.
You should have seen his farewell note.
Sad, really sad.
Suffered with only one F.
Raped with two Ps. I started
correcting it. Nine mistakes.
I got out my pen and wrote:
1 out of 10. Yannick, get a grip, pal.
Or things are going to end badly.
I'm Olaf Bens and you're not.
I've got a good friend,
a Chinese friend: P Kwak.
And P Kwak always says to me: Laula
Laula love is leally like a faht.
Twy to lush it and shit comes out.
Yeah, I get that.
But what if it's the opposite?
What if you say: There's something there
that I need to keep in.
I don't want that love fart to escape.
It has to stay inside me.
If you don't want it to get out,
you have to
Yeah, breathe in deeply, breathe out,
breathe in, breathe out.
I can see you know what I'm on about.
I can tell from your face.
I feel that bubble
passing through my intestines.
Like a human pinball machine.
It goes up and up.
Up to my head. And I think:
"No, I've got enough shit in my head."
And I force it back down again,
but it mustn't escape. And suddenly
Nooooo!
Like in a suspense movie.
And it has escaped.
It's no longer mine.
Everyone knows. You can tell from my face,
you can smell it.
I'm in love.
You can still ask for your two beers.
And now, the Comedy Royale headliner.
Oh yes! Oh yes! Put your hands and
all other moving body parts together
for the great Ralph Hartman!
The great Ralph Hartman.
He'd better knock us for six!
Let's see if he can pull it off.
Recently I was sitting
- No, no, not the park!
- on a bench.
Oh no.
I was. In a park.
One with a lake, I suppose?
Yes, with a lake.
Very interesting.
And suddenly someone came
and sat next to me. On this bench.
Where is this story heading?
Say something funny, Ralphie.
Right, I'm going to have to get him
out of there, otherwise
No, no, don't do that.
You can't do that Not there, idiot.
You're hurting me. No, please,
don't do that. Please don't.
My neck. Please, don't.
Right, well, I've got him out for a moment
otherwise he won't stop.
- This is
- Embarrassing.
This is embarrassing.
Oh my God. You can't do it, Ralph, you
can't do it. I can see your lips moving.
And leave your nose alone.
You'll see, ladies and gentlemen,
every time I speak he touches his nose.
Or he has lost something,
something behind us.
Because he can't do it.
He doesn't even try.
- Ralphie?
- Yes.
- Ralphie, come here.
- Why?
- Come a bit closer.
- What do you want?
No, the other side.
Then people won't see your lips moving.
OK.
You do know you are live on TV?
Everyone can see you.
- Oh
- Yeah, oh.
Everyone.
Your son is there in the audience.
Leave my arm alone. Hi, son.
It's been a while, eh?
And your father, Hubert,
do you think he's watching?
I don't know, I hope so.
I don't. He's not going to be
very happy about this.
Ladies and gentlemen, just so you know,
I used to perform with his father.
He could drink a beer and I would sing
I love, I love life.
Is he making fun of you?
- And what can you do?
- Lots of things.
You can't do anything.
All you can do is drink beer.
I think he is.
Just look at you.
- Who?
- You.
- Me?
- Yes, you.
I'm talking to you, idiot. Who else?
The great Ralph Hartman!
No, no. The great stand-up comedian
has sat down.
You should be ashamed, pal.
You really should.
He deserves all the abuse we can give him.
He's a loser.
That's the only word he can say
without his lips moving,
ladies and gentlemen: Loser!
Do you know why?
Because you are one.
You're a real prat. A prat.
That's difficult, eh?
All words with a P are difficult:
Prat, prick.
- It's like that all day: Loser
- You can't do anything, you're nothing.
- Hey! That's my voice.
- No, it's my voice.
- You've got your own voice.
- Yeah, this also my voice.
This is tiring. Sorry, Hubert.
Ralphie, you need help.
Someone should protect you.
- From who?
- From yourself.
Right, fine. I'll do it. I'll stop.
- Stop?
- Yes, I told you. I'm going to stop.
- What?
- This joke.
It'd be better if you started it!
I haven't seen many people laugh tonight.
- If you could just shut up
- Now it's my fault too.
- I'm the one saving the show.
- OK, if you won't shut up, I will.
Shutting up never was your strong point.
- OK, fine, you can do it yourself.
- Are you serious?
Yep, the stage is all yours.
Sit here.
- Leave my balls alone! This is strange.
- Very.
New blood on the comedy scene
is never a bad thing.
OK, fine.
Get your hands off my hair, you bastard.
- Give it your all.
- Get off the stage. Go on.
Thank you, I was Ralph Hartman.
He's leaving or what?
Thank you, goodbye.
- Now what?
- Stay on the dummy. OK?
I assume that applause was for me
and not for that dimwit who's just left?
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear
Am I glad to be rid of him.
Boozy Man? No, Moaning Man.
That's who he is.
See, ladies and gentlemen,
I can do it.
I can do it without moving my lips.
I can. Because I'm a pro.
Eh, Hubert?
That girl who was on before us
was on top form, wasn't she?
I like her.
And what a great story.
I thought it was very moving.
It was really I don't know.
That fart
Oops. I've just farted too.
Can you smell it?
Right, ladies and gentlemen, the show
must go on, the comedy must go on.
- He's not coming back.
- A Smurf gets ink on his hand.
"Oh no, another blue stain."
See, comedy isn't that difficult.
A man comes into a bar.
He says to the barman: "I want something
big, ice cold and full of whisky."
And the man next to him says:
"Here's my wife's phone number."
Hurray! A hit! I'm doing a good job.
I don't know what it is
but I feel a bit strange.
Someone has had his arm up my arse
for days on end
and now he's gone and I feel liberated.
I really feel
like I can breathe again,
like someone has switched the light on.
I don't know what it is but
I feel I feel better.
I feel happy.
Everybody happy?
What do you think, ladies and gentleman,
shall I sing a song? Yes?
Oh, yes. You want a song, eh?
Right, you can have one. Here you are.
I love, I love life
It may not be nice
It is a shame If rain
Falls and falls On me
But you are there
What? Shit
- There are 17 minutes to go, aren't there?
- Um, yes Yes.
Christ.
Ralph
DEDICATED TO
YOU