Everything's Going to Be Great (2025) Movie Script
1
There's no business
Like show business
Like no business I know
Everything about it
Is appealing
Everything the traffic
Will allow
Nowhere could you get
That happy feeling
When you are stealing
That extra bow
There's no people
Like show people
They smile
When they are low
Yesterday they told you
You would not go far
That night you open
And there you are
Next day
On your dressing room
They've hung a star
Let's go on with the show
Let's go
On with the show
Say what now?
Vaginas make his flesh creep.
What-- What class was this for?
PE.
Whose vagina
is he talking about?
General vaginas.
So... Wait.
You went to PE?
It was a class on CPR.
They were discussing anginas.
So, he thought
they said vaginas!
Oh, I mean, he isn't
exactly sexually active.
He hasn't even seen one.
We talk about sex all the time.
- Usually during carpool.
- Mr. Smart--
Which is why
my mom drives us now.
In history class,
Les was assigned
one page on Manifest Destiny.
Instead, he turned in
a nine-page
Wizard of Oz musical
set in the French Revolution
he calls "Les Wiz."
I'm sorry.
I'm trying to understand.
Aren't nine pages
better than one?
That wasn't the assignment.
Les, would you
please step outside?
Like it's my fault vaginas
make my flesh creep.
You haven't seen one yet!
It's because
he hasn't seen one yet.
Mr. Smart,
you may need to consider
the possibility that Les...
is homosexual.
That is a remarkable statement.
You know
I'm in theater, right?
For a living.
I produce regional theater.
I don't see
what that has to do with--
Uh, just follow the plot.
Theater teaches empathy.
We don't care
if someone's black or white--
Neither do we.
Don't care
if they are gay or straight...
- Neither do we.
- Rich, poor, thin, fat--
Neither do we!
We don't care
who they happen to love,
or have sex with, Mrs. Franklin.
As long as they are talented--
Christian.
- Talented.
- Christian.
- Talented.
- Christian.
You know, Les,
I've always felt deeply sorry
for people
who couldn't appreciate me.
Nol Coward, 1899 to 1973!
I was from Teddington,
Middlesex, you see.
Have you ever played
Teddington, Middlesex?
Not yet.
Well, if you do,
just make the best of it.
My point is, Les,
I was a boy actor like you.
You and I think differently
than other boys and girls.
I'd like to fit in, Nol.
But I don't know how, I guess.
It didn't bother me
in the least.
I call bullshit.
I never cared
who scored the goal,
or which side
won the silver cup.
I never learned to bat or bowl.
But I heard
the curtain going up!
Come on, Les. Let's go pick up
your mother and brother.
I hate this school.
No one gets me.
You're a weirdo.
It's not their fault.
Wait till you get
to high school.
You'll find your people.
Derrick likes high school.
Derrick likes
pushing the button in elevators.
Well, you're more complicated
than your brother.
You're an artist, like me.
But Derrick's popular.
You gave Derrick a popular name.
You actually gave me a name
with no value.
Les--
If dirt were a name,
you would've called me dirt.
Nice. Clever and dramatic.
You'll be happy too.
It's inevitable.
Were you popular
in middle school?
Five people are popular
in middle school, Dirt.
I already knew I wanted
to produce shows on Broadway
when I was your age.
Who wants to do that
in middle school?
Talk about weirdos.
Does it bother you
it never happened?
Things change on a dime
in show business.
It could still happen,
you'll see.
Come on.
Vaginas scared me too at first.
Don't worry about it.
Vaginas will grow on you.
Give my regards to Broadway
Remember me
To Herald Square
Tell all the gang
At Forty-Second Street
That I will soon be there
Buddy, you need
to talk with your son.
Why are they mine
when they're in trouble?
Ernie Saracino wants to quit.
Les.
Why is it me?
It could be Derrick.
He says Les just arbitrarily
sneaks into scenes
during the show.
I didn't sneak.
I told him I really think
I should be in more scenes.
You're not the director.
You can't--
It's Fiddler on the Roof.
I'm pretty sure
there were children in Anatevka.
Ernie Saracino is the best,
least expensive
director we have.
We cannot afford to lose him.
And he's tired of you
upstaging everyone.
Derrick almost
lost his virginity.
- Hey!
- Almost?
How almost?
- Her name's Annabeth Devine.
- Shut up!
Maybe Anna Bess.
She lisps.
Well, invite her
over for dinner.
We'd all like to meet her.
No.
No? It's not like you're
embarrassed by us or anything.
Dad, of course I am.
Well, then bring her
by the theater on a matinee day.
She won't even know
we're checking her out.
No one I know
wants to go to the theater.
God, I don't even want to be
at the theater matinee days.
I-I'd rather do football.
- Okay? They're having--
- That's just a phase.
I could easily make the team
at this school.
It's not my rule,
there are eight shows a week.
That's just the way it is.
I'm not doing
any more musicals.
You are not the only 16-year-old
who has to work
in the family business.
You don't even pay me.
Well, you're not very good.
Just bring her over for dinner.
Uh, no, better yet,
we'll be having auditions
at the house
for Raisin in the Sun soon.
Bring her by then.
She will love it.
She won't, Dad. She's normal.
She'll grow out of it.
We'll stay
with your Uncle Abram!
We're staying
with your Uncle Abrams!
We're staying
with your Uncle Abrams!
The whole world
has to know our business!
Stop yelling and start packing.
I don't need your advice, Golde.
We have a train to catch,
and a boat.
Children, put the bundles
on the wagon.
Work hard, Motel.
Come to us soon.
Go on. Do it!
Why go through life unnoticed?
Ruth Gordon, 1896 to 1985.
Which scene are you crashing?
I promised my dad I wouldn't.
Well, some days,
you have to lie.
This next scene's
the one I really wanna get into.
They're forced to leave their
little village of Anatevka.
So they stand
in a circle holding hands,
then let go
and go their separate ways.
It's symbolic.
Terrific!
But I don't know
how to get in the circle
'cause they're holding hands.
Just do it.
You'll figure it out.
You gotta go out there
and show 'em what you got.
Don't worry
about Ernie Saracino.
What can he do?
Go on. Make it great.
Bring the scene
up to your great level.
Go! Go!
What the hell are you doing?
I'm leaving Anatevka!
Honey,
our electric bill
is killing us.
Couldn't we raise the temp
in the theater a bit?
It doesn't need to be
like a morgue in there.
Cold keeps the audience alert.
And it keeps us in debt.
Let's just go to sleep.
Seems to me the only thing
we ever fight about is money.
Well, I'm an American.
And I love money.
Honestly, though,
you know what
I'm afraid of, Buddy?
Silence?
Look, we are rich in other ways.
And I've got
some coals in the fire.
Big things are coming.
- I saw Reverend Jackson.
- Mace--
Millions of people
find comfort in God.
You act like it's just me.
I just don't want to be
associated with it.
I was raised by two of
the meanest, churchiest women--
I'm not your horrible
dead aunts, I'm your wife.
And if you loved me, you would
at least be open to it.
But if you loved me,
you wouldn't try to change me.
It's because I love you, Buddy.
It would break my heart
to watch you die without God.
Sweetie,
who says I'm going first?
- Mm.
- Hmm?
Honestly, I thought
I would've worn you down by now.
The thought of you in purgatory
terrifies me.
- Goodnight.
- Oh. Stop talking.
You don't always get
to have the last word, you know?
- You're right.
- Then stop talking.
- I am.
- I mean it.
- I know.
- Don't say any more.
- I won't.
- Oh...
I have to sleep.
I have to get up early
to make the boys' lunches.
- Sweet dreams.
- I knew you were gonna do that!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Honest to Betsy!
Do you have to play that thing
where we can hear it?
Mom, I have to practice,
or I'll never sound good.
You'll never sound good
'cause you're playing a bagpipe.
Bagpipes sound like a mistake.
Well, who were we bothering?
We're making music.
That is not music!
Those things sounded
lousy on stage.
They sound worse in life.
Les, come in
and get ready for school.
I will call the police on you
myself, I swear it.
Can you at least take joy
in the fact of knowing
that any minute we might stop?
On with the show.
Hey.
I was just wondering,
how come you never
play sports after school?
I work at my parents' theater.
Theater?
I thought theater's
just for fags.
Not just.
Are you a fag?
Actually, are you
a boy or a girl?
You know you're going to hell,
right, faggot?
You and all of your AIDS-y fag
friends are gonna burn in hell.
Sodomy
Fellatio
Cunnilingus
Why do these words
Sound so nasty?
Hair, 1967.
Galt McDermot, James Rado,
Gerome Ragni, asshole.
You tell 'em, Les.
It's the age of Aquarius, man.
Let the sunshine in, you turd.
You are so fucking weird.
Yes, I am!
For what we are
about to receive,
may the Lord
make us truly grateful.
Amen.
Uh, I have an announcement.
Two words.
You ready?
Were those them?
No.
New Jersey.
Oh, my God!
I haven't even said
what's in New Jersey.
Les, what-- what are you doing?
Just being supportive.
Uh, okay.
So, I talked with Ed Monroe.
The Barn Theater in New Jersey
is ours if we want it.
Now it's a family decision.
We all get to vote--
No, we're not moving
to New Jersey.
That's actually a good theater!
Like, 1100 seats.
- How much are they paying us?
- Well--
No, I-I--
Dad, I like it here. Okay?
I-I like my friends.
I like my school.
I have a girlfriend, okay?
I can't like...
What's the point
of doing anything
if we always have to start over?
Derrick, The Barn
is a summer theater.
We'd be back in the fall.
- Ding, ding, ding!
- So, I got plans this summer.
- Les. Can you...
- What?
You didn't even let me
get to the fun part.
Milwaukee!
Oh, my God!
Ed also owns
the Players Theater
in Milwaukee.
Now if we do
enough business this summer,
he's going to offer us
a five-year contract
for both theaters.
No more season to season!
That sounds too good to be true.
- Yes!
- Wait.
What if we don't do
enough business at The Barn?
Well, then we're screwed.
If we all decide
to go to The Barn,
then I have to give notice here
so they have time to replace me.
And if we don't do
enough business this summer,
then we end up with...
...nothing.
Of course. When is it ever easy?
I-I-I vote no. Okay?
Enough.
I... All I wanna do
is play football
and lose my virginity.
That's not asking a lot.
And I can't do
either of those things
if I'm constantly moving around.
I like it here.
Okay? Please, just...
Les, how do you vote?
I vote...
that we leave this ugly town.
Okay, so we have one
voting to stay, one to leave.
You little shit.
Don't say "shit"
when we're eating.
Nobody likes me here, okay?
Derrick, and you
can play football anywhere.
You can do better
than Annabeth Devine.
I didn't wanna tell you this,
but she told me her favorite
Marx brother was Curly.
Guess what?
I don't give a shit who
- her favorite Marx brother is.
- Derrick.
Curly isn't a Marx brother.
He's Three Stooges!
That's very telling.
What do you think, Mace, huh?
I mean, no pressure.
This is just our entire future.
Well, I know
how you're gonna vote,
and I know how
you want me to vote.
You're quite adorable
when you get keyed up.
Oh! I know it.
You're the biggest liar.
You only ever think of yourself!
No. That's not true.
Just last night, I was up late
imagining what
it must feel like to be you.
But then, I got so bored.
- Five years?
- Yeah.
We could have real lives.
Yes!
Wow! But...
You little asshole!
- No, uh-uh, no, Derrick!
- Come here!
I'm just,
I'm so afraid to be hopeful.
This could be the biggest
mistake we've ever made.
But Milwaukee
could lead to bigger cities.
Our name could
finally mean something.
This is what
we've been waiting for.
But if it doesn't work,
I mean...
Honey, we'd be
living in the car.
That's a new low, even for us.
Mace, it could be great.
Well...
Great is the way I like it.
Yes!
Mwah! Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!
Derrick?
I know you're upset.
I'm not upset.
I'm not going.
I'll stay here
with Annabeth's family.
That is never going to happen.
I got a job at Foot Locker.
I'll stay with her family,
pay her family rent.
I'll stay in school.
I'm almost 18 anyway.
You're 16.
I'm happy here.
You're gonna be happy there too.
I'm happy here.
Okay? I hate always
saying goodbye to everyone.
Well, you won't have to say
goodbye for five years.
If we even make it there!
This is yours,
Les and Mom's dream.
Theater, it's all right,
except it's bullshit.
It's not real.
Real is so overrated, Derrick.
I-I-I have a girlfriend here.
You--
You'll have a dozen girlfriends.
And that's life. You don't--
You don't stop at the first one.
So I should just sleep around?
Is that what you're telling me?
Yes.
I wish someone would've told me.
Look, Derrick,
you're a great looking kid...
You're not listening.
That's the last thing
I think about, you know?
Did you know that
more Playboy Playmates
come out of Milwaukee
than any other town?
Dad, you can't just
make things up
and then think
that they're true.
Derrick, you have to dream
things into happening.
You have to dream
bigger than you are.
And you have to find work
that you love,
and then you bring that love
into work with you.
Who would rather
work at the Foot Locker
when you could work
in the theater?
Me!
Thirteen, fourteen.
All bags are accounted for.
You gonna be okay there,
Annabeth?
Okay then.
Goodbye, Akron.
I will not be back.
There are places I like better.
Derrick, come on. Chop, chop.
Get the show on the road.
Here comes Johnny
Singing oldies goldies
"Be-Bop-A-Lula"
"Baby What I Say"
Here comes Johnny
Singing "I Got a Woman"
Down in the tunnels
Trying to make it pay
He got the action
He got the motion
Oh, yeah
The boy can play
Dedication
Devotion
Turning all the night time
Into the day
He do the song
About the sweet lovin' woman
He do the song
About the knife
They do the walk
What's our address out there?
- Hmm...
- We're not exactly sure.
Remember Dee Baskin, who played
Anybodys in West Side Story?
In real life too.
She sells real estate
in New Jersey now.
We are going to stay in empty
houses Dee Baskin's selling.
Do the owners know?
Great. We're squatters.
We're enterprising.
I'll just tell Annabeth
to address her letters
to "Empty houses
Dee Baskin is selling."
Derrick, you're handsome.
You'll be single
for an hour wherever we go.
I don't give a red hot shit
about how I look, okay?
I wish everyone would just
shut up about how I looked.
What?
Oh, my God, you got lipstick
all over your face!
Shit.
Is it gone?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah. You got it.
I am the very model
Of a modern Major-General
I've information vegetable
Animal and mineral
I know the kings of England
And I quote
The fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo
In order categorical
Ha ha!
I'm very well-acquainted too
With matters mathematical
I understand equations
Both the simple
And quadratical
About binomial theorem
I am teeming
With a lot o' news
Oh, yes.
With many cheerful facts
About the square
Of the hypotenuse
With many cheerful facts
About the square
Of the hypotenuse
With many cheerful facts
About the square
Of the hypotenuse
With many cheerful facts
About the square
Of the hypoten-potenuse
Mom!
I'm very good at integral
And differential calculus
I know the scientific names
Of beings animalculous
In short in matters vegetable
Animal and mineral
I am the very model
Of a modern Major-General
In short in matters vegetable
Animal and mineral
He is the very model
Of a modern Major-General
Derrick!
Derrick?
Derrick?
Oh, my God.
I know our mythic history
King Arthur's
And Sir Caradoc's
I answer hard acrostics
I've a pretty taste
For paradox
I quote in elegiacs
All the crimes
Of Heliogabalus
In conics I can floor
Peculiarities parabolous
I can tell
Undoubted Raphaels
From Gerard Dows
And Zoffanies
I know the croaking chorus
From the frogs
Of Aristophanes
Then I can hum a fugue
Of which I've heard
The music's din afore
Din afore? Din afore?
Din afore? Ah.
And whistle all the airs
From that infernal nonsense
Pinafore
And whistle all the airs
From that infernal nonsense
Pinafore
And whistle all the airs
From that infernal nonsense
Pinafore
And whistle all the airs
From that infernal nonsense
Pina-Pinafore
For my military knowledge
Though I'm plucky
And adventury
Has only been brought down
To the beginning
Of the century
But still in matters
Vegetable, animal and mineral
I am the very model
Of a modern Major-General
But still in matters
Vegetable, animal and mineral
He is the very model
Of a modern Major-General
What the fuck!
Bravo!
Is that the smile
you're gonna wear?
Well, I don't have a poker face.
You know that.
Come on, the show was great.
Yeah, but the house wasn't.
Seriously, Ed Monroe
did not look happy.
What are we gonna say to Ed?
- Ed! Congratulations!
- Ed! Congratulations!
Beautiful production, Buddy.
Well, if you're happy,
we're happy.
- I'm not happy.
- Oh.
- Where was the audience?
- Oh, listen.
Wait until the reviews come out.
Word of mouth will spread.
We'll be selling out
every night.
We better, 'cause this won't do.
We hear you, Ed.
We're on it.
All over it.
Don't worry about a thing.
Buddy, honey,
I want you to meet Fred.
- I'll bring him right back.
- Please.
I will.
No.
No, the first time
I kissed a girl,
she stuck her tongue
in my mouth, moved it around...
I thought
she was having a seizure.
Wow, Kyle.
'Cause, you know,
you look like you were born
without your virginity.
So, uh...
how do you act sexy?
It's more like thinking. Hm?
You know,
when I go up to a girl,
I'm not worrying,
"How will I impress her?"
"What am I gonna say?" No.
You think one thing,
very clearly,
over and over
when you approach...
What?
"I have a foot-long penis."
"I have a foot-long penis."
And then just be
whatever she wants you to be.
You're an actor.
You could do that.
And it's sexy.
Oh, also, try and go
for the plainer girls
who think
you're out of their league.
Flattered sex is amazing.
Now you try.
"I have a foot-long penis."
Oh, really? Just--
Yeah, no, really.
It works every time.
Okay.
You're a very weird kid, Les.
Thanks.
Tonight was fun.
How can you act like we're not
in some serious shit right now?
All I said was tonight was fun.
Ed Monroe is not happy.
We're about to lose everything.
Do you even care
about your family at all?
This is just what we do, Macy.
What do we do?
We struggle, you freak.
It works out, we repeat.
That is not our thing.
That is--
That's a terrible thing.
But it's ours.
Well, it's not the way I see it.
Well, how do you see it?
I see to it we scrape by,
by any means possible
while you promise us
this great future.
- Okay, okay, come on.
- It's exhausting, Buddy.
I am lonely, and it's turning me
into some kind of a shrew.
Macy, please. It's okay.
I'm actually
repelling people now,
and I don't blame them.
I'm even repelling you!
We're about to lose everything,
and you're talking about
what fun you had at a party.
You know,
it would be nice if just once
you showed a little faith in me.
Just a little.
You, you put so much faith
in your invisible God.
Well, I'm actually here,
and you have none in me.
Because you promised
we'd make it in five years!
Wishing things
won't work, Buddy.
This is my dream too!
I have given us a big life!
A unique one.
Don't treat that
like it's nothing.
And we're not doing so badly.
No, we're doing horribly!
- Oh, my--
- We have kids.
You wanted to wait so long
'cause you didn't wanna
make the same mistakes
as your mean dead aunts,
but your mistakes
are just as bad.
- We're living hand-to-mouth...
- Ha! Jee-- I mean--
...in empty houses
Dee Baskin is selling.
What's your plan B?
We are not living hand-to-mouth.
We are so rich in so many ways,
but the only thing you ever see
is what we don't have.
Yeah, well, unless we get
some butts in those seats,
I don't know where we're going.
Where are we going, Buddy?
As I've said all along, we are
either all in or we're not.
I will make this work!
All right? I promise.
Come on, go to sleep.
Your mom and I
were just rehearsing.
I don't know how,
but your mom will blame me
if she knows you're still up.
How old were you
when you married Mom?
You know we don't do age
in this house.
She was so much fun, your mom.
No, she really was.
But she couldn't say,
"I love you"
unless she really
felt it deeply.
I could say "love" like
other people say "envelope,"
I'm so shallow.
So I admire that in her.
What was your mom like?
Oh, I really don't remember her.
She walked out
when I was only four,
didn't even shut the door.
I had to live with my aunts,
Astrid and Reliance.
God.
So, your mom could be
anywhere in the world,
you'd never know it.
Yeah. People are shits.
But that's on them.
How you treat people
is more important.
And, Les, you have
a huge capacity for kindness.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
I didn't learn
anything about love
from Astrid and Reliance.
I got all that from your mother.
Yeah.
And you two monsters.
Can you imagine
your mother's face
when the money comes in?
Wow.
Oh, that would be something.
I wish I knew how to do it.
We will.
I know.
Yeah?
- Hey.
- Hey.
I told Les
I'd drop these off to him.
Did he tell you I was coming by?
No, of course not.
Books on acting.
Oh, I don't know if I should
thank you or throw them at you.
I tell you what,
you wash, I'll dry.
Then I got to get to rehearsal.
Deal.
Thank you.
So, what's your story?
Where you from, anyway?
Arkansas City, Kansas.
You ever hear of it?
No, never will.
So what do you do
for fun in Arkansas?
Oh, think of ways
to get out, mostly.
But looking back,
I was happy then,
and didn't even know it.
Maybe that's just being young.
But I was Queen
of the Arkalala Festival.
Oh, I knew you looked familiar.
My nickname growing up
was Bigfoot
'cause I was six feet
by the time I was twelve.
So you could've knocked me over
when I got that crown.
It sounds like an honor,
but pretty slim pickings
in Arkansas, I admit it.
Is that where you met Buddy?
No, we met at a theater party.
I think he always thought
I was gonna be
that kind of party happy.
And I let him.
We married a week later.
Mm.
It was like there was
a spotlight on him
anywhere he'd go.
And he chose me.
Hmm.
It's hard being the plus one
in your own life sometimes,
though, you know?
I've never felt like
a plus one before.
No.
- What?
- No.
Well...
- What?
- Nothing.
I don't see him going anywhere.
No. Mm-mm. He's not.
I am.
Rehearsals.
Thanks for the books.
And in the future,
when Les is on unemployment,
we'll think of you.
Thank you for the tour.
I've been looking for a really
nice place to worship.
You're very welcome here.
- Oh.
- Anytime.
Thank you. How many
parishioners do you have here?
I would say 120.
Oh...
Well, it's a start.
Very nice.
Rabbi, how many
members are there
in the temple's congregation?
The masonry itself
is just spectacular.
As the newest member
of the Ascension Greek
Orthodox Church,
I would love to organize
a theater party
for all our parishioners.
So Catholics can come
to our productions
at a much reduced rate...
seeing that I'm one of you now.
Buddy, that's horrible.
How many churches did you join?
Eleven.
What? You're always
after me to join the church.
Buddy, it's a sin to lie
to a man of the cloth!
Who lied?
I said I wanted
to join the church, I joined.
Well, you're sending
yourself to hell.
I hope you know that.
Straight to hell.
I'm doubling our subscriptions.
- Seriously?
- Yes.
I bet I could get us a balcony
full of Episcopalians then.
Yes!
Holy cow!
Oh, my God, you look
exactly like the girl I married.
Wow.
Or maybe we always
see the people we love
the way they looked when
we first fell in love with 'em.
I'm not like that girl.
Oh, you're not?
You said, "Holy cow!"
Maybe you don't see it,
but I do.
You just want to see it.
I told you I was gonna
make this happen, Macy.
You're very sexy
when you get all self-starty.
Wow, get used to that.
What? What are you doing?
- Come here.
- What?
We have just enough time
for a quickie.
What?
Come on,
right here on the counter.
We'll turn off the lights.
Save on the electricity bill.
Macy?
We can't, we don't have time.
- Five minutes, tops.
- No. Look,
Les could be here
any second with--
with Fritzi and Loud Sue
and the rest of the gang.
When is Les ever on time?
Oh, my God!
You are my favorite wife ever!
Ooh!
I'm gonna go to the store
to get beer for everyone.
Macy, this is the best brownie
I've ever had
in my entire mouth.
Dad, can we do On Borrowed Time
when we get to Milwaukee?
If we get to Milwaukee.
Honestly, Les.
You only ever want to do plays
with parts for you in it.
Well, you got to audition
like everybody else, sport.
Barbra Streisand
made me her Brooklyn brownie
when I was with the Broadway
company of Funny Girl.
It doesn't compare to this.
They always make me audition.
I hate auditioning for them.
Kyle, you're the first person
who didn't look impressed
when I happen to mention
I worked with Barbra.
And they always say
the same thing
after every audition.
Thank you, Les.
We'll call you.
You know, and they never call.
I have to audition
again tomorrow.
Brighton Beach Memoirs.
It's the lead.
I was the first replacement,
Mrs. Strakosh,
in the original show.
Does that make me
too old for you?
No. It's your age that does.
That's my beeper.
Oh, I gotta check
my answering service.
- Oh, maybe it's your big break.
- Yeah.
Hey, Macy, can I use your phone?
Whoa.
- Of course.
- Thanks.
Relax, dear. He plays
for my team, not yours.
There you go. You got it.
Les Smart.
It's Lester.
Whenever you're ready, Lester.
Oh, yeah.
- One...
- Two, shoulders up.
Singular sensation
Every little step she takes
Point and point.
And step.
Hat to the head. Three, four.
- One
- Elbow right, down.
Brilliant combination
Every move that she makes
Step, brush, three, four.
One smile
And suddenly nobody else
Step, flick, step, up,
step and step, slow.
You know you'll never
Be lonely
Kick, step, brush.
With you-know-who
Five, six. Back, back!
Yes, Tiffany,
find your light, pop, good.
And you can forget the rest
Diddla-diddla-do
For the girl is second best
To none, son
Ooh, sigh
Give her your attention
Do I really have to mention
She's the one
When do we hear about Milwaukee?
Shouldn't we have heard
something already?
Derrick, what are you gonna do
when the money comes in?
Hmm?
- When the money comes in?
- Yeah.
I'm gonna get Green Bay
season tickets
right at the 50-yard line.
I mean,
everyone's writing them off,
but I don't know.
Well, what are we gonna do
if Milwaukee doesn't happen?
Oh, it will happen.
Everything's gonna be great.
But, I mean, like,
do we have a place to go?
Because eventually Dee Baskin's
gonna sell a house.
No, we are all in on this one.
But, the bigger the risk,
the bigger the reward.
The bigger the loss.
I mean...
how will we even pay for food?
- Theater tickets.
- Theater tickets.
You gotta have
a little faith, Derrick.
You might ask yourself,
"Why can't I be more like Les?"
'Cause I'm more like me.
He's got a positive attitude.
He has faith that we're
going to end up in Milwaukee.
- Don't you, Les?
- Nope.
Thanks.
Very funny.
- Watch out for the pothole.
- Hmm?
The pothole, right--
- Sorry.
- Really?
Derrick?
I need to talk to you
about all the girls
that you've been
kissing on lately.
No, no, you don't.
Yes, I do. Your mother and I
think you're being a slut.
No, look, you-- you told me
to sleep around. Okay?
It's exactly what you said,
word-for-word.
"Have a big life," you said.
You wished someone had told you.
That doesn't mean
you sleep around
with every girl
from Secaucus to Paramus.
I mean, there's horny,
and then there's pervy.
Watch out for the pothole.
Do you see it?
Right there.
- Dad, he's doing it on purpose.
- Shut up!
Hey!
If you have sex
without a condom,
your mom's gonna
cut your balls off.
I think this talk went well.
Derrick, can you drop
me off at the theater?
All right, Lester, have fun.
Les, darling.
How did you know I'd be here?
Tallulah Bankhead,
1902 to 1968.
You look ghastly, Les darling.
What's the matter?
I'm just waiting to see
if I got a part and...
It's a long story, Tallulah,
and I'm not sure how I come out
at the end of it.
Champagne?
I meant for me.
You know, plus, Derrick's
making out like a bandit,
and it's got me thinking--
I don't know what to tell you.
I've been with many men,
and I've been with many women.
And, darling, there has got
to be something better.
Did you hear that?
- Oh!
- Oh, uh, I'm sorry.
I-I didn't see anything.
Oh, shit.
Les...
Les, wait, please!
Les, Les, no...
Buddy?
What-- What happened?
What's wrong?
What did-- What do you--
Who's on the phone?
We got Milwaukee.
I got the call.
Milwaukee!
Five years!
We are set for
the next full five years!
Oh, my God!
Champagne.
We need champagne. Lots of it!
We're celebrating big time.
You know why, Les?
It's not just
because of the phone call.
Les...
I should probably go
through your people,
I know, but I can't wait.
You got the role.
What?
What? The role.
Brighton Beach Memoirs.
You got the role.
You were the best actor. Truly.
There was no nepotism involved.
Oh-oh-oh.
There you go. Yes, let it out.
You deserve it.
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
Congratulations. You wanna
go to the store with me?
No, it's okay, it's okay.
You know what?
This is a turning point
for our family.
Whoo!
Les...
Alcohol...
Do you have
any decent champagne?
Indecent only.
Everyone's a comedian.
There we go.
Mm.
No, no, no.
No.
Welcome in the name of Jesus,
we are gathered to worship,
to proclaim Christ crucified
and reason
to remember before God,
our brother Buddy Smart.
To give thanks for his life,
to commend him
to our merciful redeemer
and to comfort
one another in our grief.
The grace
of our Lord Jesus Christ
and the communion
of the holy spirit
all gather grace and glory,
we remember before you today...
...our brother Buddy.
Do you remember Mr. Paterson?
Son, sorry for your loss.
Oh, doctor.
Boys, I'm so sorry
for your loss.
And, Macy.
He lived life exactly
the way he wanted.
It's a gift. No one could ever
tell Buddy what to do.
I could. And did.
But he didn't listen anyway.
Clearly, I couldn't.
Dr. Kannengiser, thank you
for coming all that way.
I'm just so overwhelmed
by how many people showed up.
I wish Buddy could've seen it.
He loved a packed house.
That he did.
Doctor... what couldn't you
tell Buddy to do?
Well, you know. Retire.
'Cause of his heart.
You've reached the Smarts.
If you were trying
for someone else,
we beg your pardon.
I will recite a poem
if you leave a message.
There once was
a woman from Devizes,
whose breasts
were of different sizes.
One was quite small.
It was nothing at all.
The other was huge
and won prizes!
Your turn.
If you could read
My mind, love
What a tale
My thoughts could tell
Just like
An old-time movie
'Bout a ghost
From a wishing well
In a castle dark
Or a fortress strong
With chains upon my feet
You know that ghost is me
And I will never
Be set free
As long as I'm a ghost
You can't see
- Mom?
- Hmm.
Did he talk to you about me
playing football in Milwaukee?
He said I could.
He, uh, said if we got there,
that there'd be security
so I wouldn't have to work
at the theater anymore.
He promised.
You don't have to work
at the theater anymore, Derrick.
But what about
the theater in Milwaukee?
Look, I really tried,
but your father had
a contract there, not us.
We're not going to Milwaukee.
We're going home.
- Home?
- Yeah.
You can play football in Kansas.
My brother said we could stay
with him on his farm.
On his farm?
We're living on a farm?
What are we, cowpoke?
What am I supposed to do
in fucking Kansas?
Hey.
You can start
by watching your mouth.
It's physically impossible
to watch your mouth.
We don't have options.
You might even like it there,
Les.
It'll be like living
in The Wizard of Oz.
In the black-and-white section
of The Wizard of Oz.
No one wants to live
in that section!
Just keep an open mind.
Kansas is famous for twisters
and being white.
We don't have
any place else to go!
I am doing the best I can
for us.
You're just gonna have
to accept it, Les.
The motto of
the state of Kansas is...
"To the stars
through difficulties."
Seems to me you've all
had your share of difficulties.
What do you boys like
to do for fun? Huh?
- Um...
- Les loves theater,
- like his dad.
- Mm-hmm.
Uh, I don't know
about theaters much, but...
we have a Renaissance Fair
with costumes, mermaids,
and fire spitters.
The church puts on
a nativity tableaux each year.
And, that's... you know,
kinda theater-y, and...
That's not even amateur theater.
Um, what about football?
Oh, well, we love
our football in Kansas.
And we're really bad at it.
But we got national parks,
national forests, and, uh...
Macy? What do you say I take
the boys hunting tomorrow?
Really? Arming them? I--
Well, I know
the girls never wanted to go,
but I bet your boys would.
I'm not some psycho
serial killer
shooting and killing things.
My dad just died.
Les...
I know that, but
people here feel differently.
Out here... gun control means
hitting what you aim at.
People out here,
they love their guns.
- People followed Hitler, too.
- Jesus.
Oh, yeah, you think
that's a fair comparison?
I don't give a shit
about being fair.
- Les!
- Well...
You know, suit yourself.
You're free to stay,
and you're free to go.
No one's holding you prisoner.
But we clear our own plates
in this house.
What part of "We don't
have anywhere else to go"
was unclear?
You all right?
No.
I don't think I'm me anymore
without my dad.
I'm never gonna find my people
in Kansas.
You haven't even
been here a day.
This is an opportunity.
You start a new school
next week. High school.
Just try fitting in. Huh?
Having a normal life
isn't a sin.
Les...
Y-You need to let me explain.
- I loved your father--
- Just go away.
I just want to unsee it.
But for the longest time,
everybody looked at me
like I was...
dull and serious,
and not worth knowing.
And-- And I-I never used
to be any of those things.
Even you looked at me
like that, Les.
Your dad, he saw someone
that didn't exist anymore.
And I just...
I just wanted to be seen.
And Kyle saw me.
Saw you with his penis?
I made a really bad decision,
and I made it deliberately.
And I wish to God it was just
my secret and you didn't know.
I'm so sorry, Les.
I love you, sweetheart.
Hey, Les.
Can I tell you something?
Kansas was my real inspiration,
you know.
William Inge, 1913 to 1973.
If you look at my plays, Les,
they're all about my life here.
Kansas turned me
into a real artist.
You could be an artist too.
You could be as happy as I was
here if you just give it a try.
Didn't you kill yourself?
Well...
Run, run, run, run
Run away now
Got to run away from me
Whistle-blowin'
Pistol-packin'
Gun-slingin' showdown
Is what you're all
About to see
- Nice shirt.
- Thanks.
Listen to Dr. Feelgood yet?
Pretty good. Better than
Girls, Girls, Girls.
- Alex.
- Derrick.
- Johnny.
- New?
- Yeah.
- Cool.
Seriously?
My mom, you know, she just--
This is, uh, my brother Les.
Yo.
The chess club in room 104
has been canceled.
Am I seeing things,
or did Selena Roach get,
like, totally hot over break?
Oh, man, look at her.
- She looks kind of slutty.
- Right?
Right. Yeah, I love sluts.
She is totally third base, man.
You know, when I pick up girls,
I think one thing.
- Very clearly, over and over.
- What?
"I have a foot-long penis."
Yeah, watch.
No way.
What's so funny?
What are they saying about me?
My brother thinks you're a fox.
He's the guy you're watching
like a TV set.
Yeah, I'm so sure.
Not really my type.
What kind of girl does he like?
New.
I'm Les.
Hmm. Okay. Selena.
Oh, you shouldn't be
drinking like that.
I'm using a glass.
- No, I meant--
- No.
I should absolutely
be drinking, okay?
I yelled at Buddy over and over
to have a Plan B.
I have no plan.
I was an awful wife.
My kids are miserable.
Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't be drinking.
I meant you shouldn't
be drinking alone.
My mistake.
Why'd you stop talking to me?
Why, I'm pretty sure
we're talking now.
You stopped returning calls,
you stopped writing...
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
Well, you look terrible.
Well, I feel terrible, Walter.
Well, you...
You look it.
Look...
I read three different articles
this week about...
food allergies.
Three.
That can't be a coincidence.
They say, what you eat directly
contributes to how you feel.
You can be allergic
to something.
And-- And it-- And it causes--
it causes mood swings,
and you aren't aware of it.
That's not this.
Look, there's a man
in Enid, Oklahoma
who cut his wife up
in a salad bowl
'cause he was allergic to dairy.
All three articles
talked about him.
Walter...
No, all I'm saying is...
aside from Buddy...
The uncertainty?
The overwhelming emotions?
Yeah?
Could all be tuna.
Yeah.
Glad you could ditch with me.
I always ditch PE.
How long have you lived here?
God, too long.
I know everything everyone's
gonna say before they say it.
Intolerable.
I'm moving to LA
first chance I get.
If Debbie Gibson
can be a rockstar...
I'm giving myself five years
to make it in New York.
I'm going to an acting school
where they don't just
teach acting...
but how to become rich
and be fascinating.
My dad said they have those
in New York.
Wait, you're gay?
What?
Mm. All actors
are just a little bit gay.
Do you wanna touch my boob?
Yeah.
Uh, under the shirt.
Oh.
Hey, your brother seems
way cool.
- Mm.
- He have a girlfriend?
- Uh-uh.
- Hmm.
Okay, it doesn't screw off, Les.
That's enough.
I saw Hair
when I was eight 'cause...
my dad said he'd rather
I learn about sex in the theater
than the street.
People here
are obsessed with sex.
You know, I'm in AP Calculus.
But no one
ever talks about that.
I know what the guys here
say about me.
But I'm not doing anything
they're not doing.
Anything they wish
they were doing.
Exactly.
Intolerable.
Yeah, it just really
upsets people here
that I have a working brain,
and a working vagina.
Intolerable.
Intolerable.
On a hill far away
Stood an old rugged cross
The emblem
Of suffering and shame
And I love that old cross
Where the dearest and best
For a world of lost sinners
Was slain
Thank you so much
for coming today.
- Pastor Ellis, I'm Macy Smart.
- Oh, hi, Macy.
I hear the church is looking
for a bookkeeper.
Yes, actually,
our Miss Rowbottom's
leaving us to get married.
I have over 15 years experience
in bookkeeping for my husband.
- Okay, and your husband is--
- Dead? Yes.
Oh.
His number came up,
as we say in bookkeeping.
I see.
Look. Apparently,
I'm a control freak
with control over
absolutely nothing in my life.
And I'm also seemingly
dull and uninteresting,
so perfect for the job.
I'll see what we can do, Macy.
It was a lot of this, watch...
Double take.
Triple take.
It was so... Oh, my God!
It was like serving time
in thespian jail.
And the more I tried to escape,
the more musicals
they'd put me in.
That's bizarre, dude.
I know, and I'm fantasizing
about football and tackling
and for real,
this is what they have me doing.
On stage, in front of everyone.
Eight shows a week.
Triple time step!
It wasn't actually like that.
It was actually really great.
Come on!
"Moon, June, croon, tune"
and the "feelings" bullshit.
It was so corny
and embarrassing.
I never told any of my friends
what I was doing
'cause I know
I'd never live it down.
It wasn't corny.
It was corn
right off the cob, Les.
You just weren't good at it.
Everything's different up there.
The energy, the intensity.
You connect with everybody
simultaneously
and bring them together.
That's the opposite of corny.
- We were good.
- No.
We were terrible, Les.
Dad told you we were good,
and you believed him.
And we were a joke.
And Dad picked that joke
over us.
And he died for it.
I mean,
he wanted to be good,
but you gotta face the truth,
Dad was the joke.
Dad was fucking tragic.
- Take it back!
- Whoa.
Dad went after what
he loved 100%, and that's brave.
We were special,
and you weren't.
That's not Dad's fault.
You're just a boring,
ordinary asshole, Derrick.
Dad wasn't tragic!
We were special.
What are you and Derrick
fighting about?
I'm not talking about it
with you.
Okay.
Why not?
Because you cheated on Dad.
Is that what you and Derrick
were fighting about?
You know...
I'm gonna be so famous.
Everyone's gonna piss themselves
wishing they were nicer to me.
When the money comes in...
I'm gonna make Kyle my assistant
and treat him terrible.
No matter what he does,
it's not good enough.
And when it's time to give him
a raise, I'm gonna fire him.
Okay, you wanna join me here
- in reality for a second?
- No.
Reality sucks.
It's better in my head.
But it's not real.
- It's better.
- It's not.
It's braver to face things
head on.
Artists appreciate truth.
You're not an artist.
Your dreams never happened,
so now you don't dream at all.
That's the opposite of brave.
No, you don't dream when you're
just trying to survive, Les.
That's exactly when you do.
No, you face facts
and you deal with them.
Dreams are fine,
but dreams can also destroy you.
I am trying...
to protect you, Les.
That's my job.
- You're limiting me.
- No.
You want me to pick the safest,
smallest life possible.
Honey...
I'm giving myself five years
to make it in New York.
I'm not gonna be small
and simple like you.
I'm going after what I want.
And I'm dreaming fucking big,
just like my dad.
You're not ever gonna
forgive me, are you?
You have everything you need?
Really?
Uh, you know what I mean.
I'm fine.
Really?
You know what I mean. Come in.
You think you're gonna stay?
I don't know what to think.
I'm just...
Well...
Questioning everything.
Yeah.
I can't even pray.
Why would I pray to a God that
let Buddy die without faith?
Plus, Buddy knew he was sick.
He pretended he was fine.
He never let on.
Mm.
I didn't know Buddy well, but...
I guess
he didn't want you to worry--
They warned him.
Buddy and his big dreams.
That's what killed him.
And I-I...
I must've known on some level
because I kept begging him...
I don't know how to forgive him.
I can't forgive myself.
- Mm.
- And I don't know how to...
live my life now without God.
You know, growing up, uh...
I always wanted to protect you.
But you never needed it.
Who knew I'd be so bad at it?
No...
What do you suppose
Buddy'd say about all this?
On with the show.
Hm.
I know what you've
heard about me.
I don't, you know.
They all just say
they've been with me
because they don't wanna be
the only one who hasn't.
All of 'em.
It's all good.
You know, I don't
say anything because, uh...
you do what you have to
when your last name's Roach.
I mean, I don't care,
it doesn't bother me, I--
I'm leaving town anyway.
I'm moving to LA
to become a singer.
Don't--
Don't go. I just got here.
You're messed up, huh?
Wha-- I'm not messed up.
Uh-huh. No?
- No, no siree--
- Yeah.
No, I'm--
- Okay, yeah, I am.
- Yeah.
I'm messed up.
- Okay, slow down.
- Hey.
Yep, LA.
Actually, we, um--
We moved here from Milwaukee.
Mm.
Yeah, my dad's in manufacturing.
He worked at the Maybelline
cosmetics factory
until it shut down there.
I didn't even get
a fucking lipstick outta it.
Wha...
Did you know that more
Playboy Playmates
come from Milwaukee, than...
Shit!
Oh, Dad...
What's wrong?
It's just... I don't even miss
my dad.
I-I don't miss him.
Fuck.
My--
It's just, my dad, um...
Okay, well, um...
I still want to, so...
you can if you want.
Yeah.
Okay, yeah, Derrick. Off.
I have to get home.
What happened?
You don't remember?
What?
Whatever, just take me home.
Wait. We didn't...
I-I lost my virginity,
and I don't even remember?
You-- You were a virgin?
You couldn't tell?
Macy, everything all right?
Everything's sunshine and Santa
Claus, Pastor. Why do you ask?
Well, the high school
just called.
They wanna know if you'd come in
at 1:00 to talk about Les.
Oh, well...
he's having
a little trouble adjusting.
You know, the church has
a pretty big outreach, so...
You know, you don't have to do
all this alone, Macy.
Well... I'm taking a vacation
from church.
Well, you're literally
working... for a church.
Well... I'm not working
very hard.
Look, I just meant
that I know how messy it all is.
And, you know,
if you needed help,
I'm sure the church
could spring for an analyst.
I do not need an analyst.
I face things head on.
That's what I do.
You know what?
I hide in the background
and keep my mouth shut
and get things done.
If anything,
I am too sensible, too safe.
As a matter of fact, I resent
this entire conversation.
I keep a tight reign on things.
I am managing just fine.
Thank you very much.
I know, I was talking about
a financial analyst.
I was talking
about the books, Macy.
I'll let you finish up.
He said what now?
God doesn't exist.
What class was this for?
PE.
PE?
Coach Gifford was saying
that it would take an act of God
for Les to pass PE
if he continues the way he is.
And he responded with--
Did the coach ask him
what he does believe in?
'Cause I'd like to know.
That is a pretty bold statement.
What-- What do you believe in,
if not God?
I don't know, just...
Me, I guess.
You're 14. You're 14 years old.
I-I know.
I second guess myself
every 15 minutes!
That's an extraordinary
statement
- for a 14-year-old to make...
- Mrs. Smart...
Who thinks like that at 14?
I don't think you understand--
His dad had trouble with God
too. Les takes after him.
And he hates
the hell out of me right now.
But God bless you, Les,
if you'll excuse the expression,
'cause I know
how you feel about Him.
But it's a little like
having his dad back.
I don't think you understand,
Mrs. Smart.
If he continues this way
there's a good chance
that Les will fail PE.
Oh, he's failing PE!
Just wrap your head around that.
But, he'll make it up
in another way, it'll be fine.
He could be the football team's
mascot maybe.
We're-- We're still, um...
Um...
- What are we?
- The Beavers.
Beavers!
Dress him up like a beaver.
Whoo!
Mom, are you drunk?
Do not talk to me like that.
No, you don't!
Can you believe he's...
This is not about me.
This is just...
You probably
like lox for breakfast.
But there's no salmon fishing
near here.
Now, bass toast...
is an undiscovered meal
you're gonna love.
Say... how do you
like your school?
They don't get me here.
You think I give a shit
if people get me?
You are who you are, that's it.
Maybe they'll, uh...
they'll get you tomorrow.
Maybe they'll catch up.
The thing of it is,
by the time they do...
you won't give a shit either.
Hmm.
How come you stopped
seeing each other?
You and Mom.
'Cause we're idiots.
I was so pissed off...
when she left town
with your dad.
She was engaged
to my best friend,
and I couldn't understand how
she turned her back on all of us
for a guy she'd known
for, like, a week.
Nobody saw it coming.
Oh...
We fought and just, uh...
measured and doled out the exact
amount of love and affection
we thought the other was giving
and gave that exact amount back.
Stupid shit.
Hey, you want, uh...
You want butter or cream cheese?
On bass?
Yeah.
Butter.
I stayed put here all my life.
Freakin'... Kansas, man.
I don't know,
maybe she was smart.
You should make up
with your brother.
She's falling down
a rabbit hole,
and I don't know how to help.
Oh, For God's sake. You would
all make the worst spies ever.
- Happy birthday!
- Happy birthday!
Oh, yay!
Another year older.
Here's to the decay of my body
and growing old alone.
Here, this came
in the mail a few days ago.
Derrick...
Would you open it up?
Your mother is hung.
That's a line from Auntie Mame.
It's just a line from life now.
You can forget all that.
It's a Bible.
It's probably from one
of the many churches in Jersey.
Let me see it.
Nice Bible.
I don't understand.
Who's it from?
Buddy.
Let me see the postmark.
Really? You think it's going
to say "Kingdom Come?"
Akron, Ohio. Yeah, it was
forwarded from our last address.
I... I remember him getting it.
It's engraved.
Leather bound,
he spent money on this.
We were in the book store.
It was... kind of random.
But...
the effort he went to...
It made him really happy.
Then...
I mean, on, I-I...
on some level...
for him to give me this,
I mean...
Maybe he accepted God a little.
Maybe even just
for my sake, right?
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
We're going to church. Now.
All of us. Let's go.
What? Really?
We're going to church? Now?
He's not
gonna be in purgatory.
I can make it up to him.
I-I was just laying here
thinking...
Buddy died never having
found faith, but I was wrong.
He had so much faith in us.
What're you all
standing there for?
- Move! Go!
- All right.
- Church?
- Go!
- Go!
- Church...
Yay. Happy birthday.
So...
you really think
he found God all of a sudden?
Maybe he did.
In what reality?
I don't buy it.
I don't see what's
so great about reality.
It just doesn't work for me.
How'd you get it postmarked
from Akron?
What?
That was genius.
I didn't.
You didn't?
I didn't.
I got Ernie Saracino to.
There it is.
It got her out of bed,
didn't it?
So what?
Now we just spend
the rest of our lives
pretending Dad found God?
Who's it hurting?
Ruth Gordon said,
"Some days you have to lie."
You pretend you don't know me
in school.
You're good with that lie.
Look.
You're gonna move to New York,
and you'll fit in there.
And you're gonna be
really successful.
I'm-- I'm not.
I need to fit in here, and...
I just can't with you around.
You think I'm going
to be successful?
I'm-- I'm not talented
like you, Les.
Shit, I'm not even talented
for Kansas.
Dad thought what people
don't like about you in school,
they're gonna love about you
on the page.
I mean, he thought
you were gonna be a writer.
And I'm never really gonna
get to know him now.
'Cause I'm an idiot.
You're not just an idiot,
Derrick.
No one's just one thing.
You're also selfish and unfair.
Okay.
I think we treat each other
terribly 'cause we're family.
And we know we can.
Wanna hear something funny?
I tried out
for the football team here.
I didn't make it.
O holy night
The stars
Are brightly shining
It is the night
Of our dear Savior's birth
Long lay the world
In sin and error pining
Till He appeared
And the soul felt its worth
A thrill of hope
The weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks
A new and glorious morn'
Fall
On your knees
O hear
The angel voices
O night
Divine
O night
When Christ was born
O night
Divine
O night
O night divine
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Macy.
Look, I've been thinking.
I never wanna hear you say you
only have five years to make it.
I played that card
with your father,
and it made us both miserable.
It's like starting a race with
100 extra pounds on your back.
You're either all in
or you're not.
- You hear me?
- Yeah.
And don't get
so comfortable here.
We're leaving.
Come on, let's go.
- You wanna take a break?
- Hmm?
I mean... You let me know if
I'm working you too hard, okay?
Oh, no, I'm good.
Seriously, Les,
give me a hand.
Oh.
Well...
...you still look terrible.
But I don't feel terrible.
Anyway, you oughta see
what I'm looking at.
Are we staying in empty houses
Dee Baskin's selling again?
I negotiated
a better deal than that.
Especially after
I heard Joe Henley,
who took over for Buddy,
tanked in Milwaukee doing
Death of a Salesman,
of all things.
If we get our shot in Milwaukee,
we're gonna do a full season
of nothing but Neil Simon.
Money in the bank.
What if we don't get Milwaukee?
We'll get it.
Anyway, I've got a couple
of tricks up my sleeves.
Good things are coming, boys.
I can feel it in my bones.
Mm.
Maybe that's arthritis.
Feels weird doing this
without Dad.
Well, I guess that makes us
weirdos again.
Derrick, step it up. If you
make me late for Ed Monroe--
Seriously? I'm literally
the only one doing work here.
Talk back
and I'll put you center stage
in every dance number
this summer.
No, no, way.
I'm not doing another musical.
Triple time step
under the spotlight.
No, uh, you-- you can't--
You can't make me do it.
I'm a woman drunk with power.
I will make you do mime.
Come on, let's go.
Say goodbye to Walter.
- Bye.
- See ya.
Thank you, Walter.
Anytime.
Hey.
- Come on, Mom.
- Yeah, I'm coming.
God.
When I was 29,
I joined the U.S.O.
I had no particular talent, but
I didn't let that get in my way.
You felt it was
your patriotic duty?
I was single. I was 29.
I went for the boys.
Keep that swagger,
remember to smile and have fun.
Off you go.
Sparkle!
Could you put these
at stage-left prop table for me?
Thank you so much.
Places, guys, have a great show.
Good show, good show.
Uh-- You!
You did good in your one scene.
But you're done, one and done.
You take another step
toward that stage,
it'll be your last step,
Lester Smart.
Mom, I'm nowhere near the stage.
Mom.
Can we have the keys to the car?
If I can find 'em.
Go, go, go!
How's the house?
What are you up to, Les?
- Just-- Just watching.
- Hmm.
Go.
One singular sensation
Every little step he takes
One thrilling combination
Every move that he makes
One smile and suddenly
Nobody else will do
You know you'll never be
Lonely with you-know-who
One moment in his presence
And you can't forget the rest
For the guy is second best
To none, son
Ooh! Sigh!
Give him your attention
Do I
Really have to mention
He's the one
She walks into a room
And you know
She's uncommonly rare
Very unique
Peripatetic
Poetic and chic
She walks into a room
And you know
From her maddening poise
Effortless whirl
She's a special girl
Strolling
Can't help
All of her qualities
Extolling
Loaded with charisma
Is ma
Jauntily sauntering
Ambling shambler
She walks into a room
And you know
You must shuffle along
Join the parade
She's the quintessence
Of making the grade
This is whatcha call
Traveling
Oh strut your stuff!
Can't get enough of her
Love her!
I'm a son of a gun
She is one of a kind!
One
She walks into a room
- Singular sensation
- And you know she's
Uncommonly rare
Very unique
Peripatetic
Poetic and chic
One
She walks into a room
- Thrilling combination
- And you know from her
Maddening poise
Effortless whirl
She's a special girl
Strolling
One smile and suddenly
Nobody else
- Can't help
- Will do
All of her qualities
Extolling
You know
You'll never be lonely
- With you-know-who
- Loaded with charisma
Is ma jauntily sauntering
Ambling shambler
She walks into a room
And you know
You must shuffle along
Join the parade
She's the quintessence
Of making the grade
This is whatcha call
Traveling
Oh, strut your stuff!
Can't get enough of her
Love her!
- I'm a son of a gun
- She's the...
- She is one of a kind!
- One
One!
Singular sensation
Every little step she takes
One!
Thrilling combination
Every move that she makes
One smile and suddenly
Nobody else will do
You know you'll never be
Lonely with you-know-who
One!
Moment in her presence
And you can't forget the rest
For the girl
Is second-best to none
Son
Ooh! Sigh!
Give her your attention
Do I really have to mention
She's the
She's the
She's the one!
There's no business
Like show business
Like no business I know
Everything about it
Is appealing
Everything the traffic
Will allow
Nowhere could you get
That happy feeling
When you are stealing
That extra bow
There's no people
Like show people
They smile
When they are low
Yesterday they told you
You would not go far
That night you open
And there you are
Next day
On your dressing room
They've hung a star
Let's go on with the show
Let's go
On with the show
Say what now?
Vaginas make his flesh creep.
What-- What class was this for?
PE.
Whose vagina
is he talking about?
General vaginas.
So... Wait.
You went to PE?
It was a class on CPR.
They were discussing anginas.
So, he thought
they said vaginas!
Oh, I mean, he isn't
exactly sexually active.
He hasn't even seen one.
We talk about sex all the time.
- Usually during carpool.
- Mr. Smart--
Which is why
my mom drives us now.
In history class,
Les was assigned
one page on Manifest Destiny.
Instead, he turned in
a nine-page
Wizard of Oz musical
set in the French Revolution
he calls "Les Wiz."
I'm sorry.
I'm trying to understand.
Aren't nine pages
better than one?
That wasn't the assignment.
Les, would you
please step outside?
Like it's my fault vaginas
make my flesh creep.
You haven't seen one yet!
It's because
he hasn't seen one yet.
Mr. Smart,
you may need to consider
the possibility that Les...
is homosexual.
That is a remarkable statement.
You know
I'm in theater, right?
For a living.
I produce regional theater.
I don't see
what that has to do with--
Uh, just follow the plot.
Theater teaches empathy.
We don't care
if someone's black or white--
Neither do we.
Don't care
if they are gay or straight...
- Neither do we.
- Rich, poor, thin, fat--
Neither do we!
We don't care
who they happen to love,
or have sex with, Mrs. Franklin.
As long as they are talented--
Christian.
- Talented.
- Christian.
- Talented.
- Christian.
You know, Les,
I've always felt deeply sorry
for people
who couldn't appreciate me.
Nol Coward, 1899 to 1973!
I was from Teddington,
Middlesex, you see.
Have you ever played
Teddington, Middlesex?
Not yet.
Well, if you do,
just make the best of it.
My point is, Les,
I was a boy actor like you.
You and I think differently
than other boys and girls.
I'd like to fit in, Nol.
But I don't know how, I guess.
It didn't bother me
in the least.
I call bullshit.
I never cared
who scored the goal,
or which side
won the silver cup.
I never learned to bat or bowl.
But I heard
the curtain going up!
Come on, Les. Let's go pick up
your mother and brother.
I hate this school.
No one gets me.
You're a weirdo.
It's not their fault.
Wait till you get
to high school.
You'll find your people.
Derrick likes high school.
Derrick likes
pushing the button in elevators.
Well, you're more complicated
than your brother.
You're an artist, like me.
But Derrick's popular.
You gave Derrick a popular name.
You actually gave me a name
with no value.
Les--
If dirt were a name,
you would've called me dirt.
Nice. Clever and dramatic.
You'll be happy too.
It's inevitable.
Were you popular
in middle school?
Five people are popular
in middle school, Dirt.
I already knew I wanted
to produce shows on Broadway
when I was your age.
Who wants to do that
in middle school?
Talk about weirdos.
Does it bother you
it never happened?
Things change on a dime
in show business.
It could still happen,
you'll see.
Come on.
Vaginas scared me too at first.
Don't worry about it.
Vaginas will grow on you.
Give my regards to Broadway
Remember me
To Herald Square
Tell all the gang
At Forty-Second Street
That I will soon be there
Buddy, you need
to talk with your son.
Why are they mine
when they're in trouble?
Ernie Saracino wants to quit.
Les.
Why is it me?
It could be Derrick.
He says Les just arbitrarily
sneaks into scenes
during the show.
I didn't sneak.
I told him I really think
I should be in more scenes.
You're not the director.
You can't--
It's Fiddler on the Roof.
I'm pretty sure
there were children in Anatevka.
Ernie Saracino is the best,
least expensive
director we have.
We cannot afford to lose him.
And he's tired of you
upstaging everyone.
Derrick almost
lost his virginity.
- Hey!
- Almost?
How almost?
- Her name's Annabeth Devine.
- Shut up!
Maybe Anna Bess.
She lisps.
Well, invite her
over for dinner.
We'd all like to meet her.
No.
No? It's not like you're
embarrassed by us or anything.
Dad, of course I am.
Well, then bring her
by the theater on a matinee day.
She won't even know
we're checking her out.
No one I know
wants to go to the theater.
God, I don't even want to be
at the theater matinee days.
I-I'd rather do football.
- Okay? They're having--
- That's just a phase.
I could easily make the team
at this school.
It's not my rule,
there are eight shows a week.
That's just the way it is.
I'm not doing
any more musicals.
You are not the only 16-year-old
who has to work
in the family business.
You don't even pay me.
Well, you're not very good.
Just bring her over for dinner.
Uh, no, better yet,
we'll be having auditions
at the house
for Raisin in the Sun soon.
Bring her by then.
She will love it.
She won't, Dad. She's normal.
She'll grow out of it.
We'll stay
with your Uncle Abram!
We're staying
with your Uncle Abrams!
We're staying
with your Uncle Abrams!
The whole world
has to know our business!
Stop yelling and start packing.
I don't need your advice, Golde.
We have a train to catch,
and a boat.
Children, put the bundles
on the wagon.
Work hard, Motel.
Come to us soon.
Go on. Do it!
Why go through life unnoticed?
Ruth Gordon, 1896 to 1985.
Which scene are you crashing?
I promised my dad I wouldn't.
Well, some days,
you have to lie.
This next scene's
the one I really wanna get into.
They're forced to leave their
little village of Anatevka.
So they stand
in a circle holding hands,
then let go
and go their separate ways.
It's symbolic.
Terrific!
But I don't know
how to get in the circle
'cause they're holding hands.
Just do it.
You'll figure it out.
You gotta go out there
and show 'em what you got.
Don't worry
about Ernie Saracino.
What can he do?
Go on. Make it great.
Bring the scene
up to your great level.
Go! Go!
What the hell are you doing?
I'm leaving Anatevka!
Honey,
our electric bill
is killing us.
Couldn't we raise the temp
in the theater a bit?
It doesn't need to be
like a morgue in there.
Cold keeps the audience alert.
And it keeps us in debt.
Let's just go to sleep.
Seems to me the only thing
we ever fight about is money.
Well, I'm an American.
And I love money.
Honestly, though,
you know what
I'm afraid of, Buddy?
Silence?
Look, we are rich in other ways.
And I've got
some coals in the fire.
Big things are coming.
- I saw Reverend Jackson.
- Mace--
Millions of people
find comfort in God.
You act like it's just me.
I just don't want to be
associated with it.
I was raised by two of
the meanest, churchiest women--
I'm not your horrible
dead aunts, I'm your wife.
And if you loved me, you would
at least be open to it.
But if you loved me,
you wouldn't try to change me.
It's because I love you, Buddy.
It would break my heart
to watch you die without God.
Sweetie,
who says I'm going first?
- Mm.
- Hmm?
Honestly, I thought
I would've worn you down by now.
The thought of you in purgatory
terrifies me.
- Goodnight.
- Oh. Stop talking.
You don't always get
to have the last word, you know?
- You're right.
- Then stop talking.
- I am.
- I mean it.
- I know.
- Don't say any more.
- I won't.
- Oh...
I have to sleep.
I have to get up early
to make the boys' lunches.
- Sweet dreams.
- I knew you were gonna do that!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Honest to Betsy!
Do you have to play that thing
where we can hear it?
Mom, I have to practice,
or I'll never sound good.
You'll never sound good
'cause you're playing a bagpipe.
Bagpipes sound like a mistake.
Well, who were we bothering?
We're making music.
That is not music!
Those things sounded
lousy on stage.
They sound worse in life.
Les, come in
and get ready for school.
I will call the police on you
myself, I swear it.
Can you at least take joy
in the fact of knowing
that any minute we might stop?
On with the show.
Hey.
I was just wondering,
how come you never
play sports after school?
I work at my parents' theater.
Theater?
I thought theater's
just for fags.
Not just.
Are you a fag?
Actually, are you
a boy or a girl?
You know you're going to hell,
right, faggot?
You and all of your AIDS-y fag
friends are gonna burn in hell.
Sodomy
Fellatio
Cunnilingus
Why do these words
Sound so nasty?
Hair, 1967.
Galt McDermot, James Rado,
Gerome Ragni, asshole.
You tell 'em, Les.
It's the age of Aquarius, man.
Let the sunshine in, you turd.
You are so fucking weird.
Yes, I am!
For what we are
about to receive,
may the Lord
make us truly grateful.
Amen.
Uh, I have an announcement.
Two words.
You ready?
Were those them?
No.
New Jersey.
Oh, my God!
I haven't even said
what's in New Jersey.
Les, what-- what are you doing?
Just being supportive.
Uh, okay.
So, I talked with Ed Monroe.
The Barn Theater in New Jersey
is ours if we want it.
Now it's a family decision.
We all get to vote--
No, we're not moving
to New Jersey.
That's actually a good theater!
Like, 1100 seats.
- How much are they paying us?
- Well--
No, I-I--
Dad, I like it here. Okay?
I-I like my friends.
I like my school.
I have a girlfriend, okay?
I can't like...
What's the point
of doing anything
if we always have to start over?
Derrick, The Barn
is a summer theater.
We'd be back in the fall.
- Ding, ding, ding!
- So, I got plans this summer.
- Les. Can you...
- What?
You didn't even let me
get to the fun part.
Milwaukee!
Oh, my God!
Ed also owns
the Players Theater
in Milwaukee.
Now if we do
enough business this summer,
he's going to offer us
a five-year contract
for both theaters.
No more season to season!
That sounds too good to be true.
- Yes!
- Wait.
What if we don't do
enough business at The Barn?
Well, then we're screwed.
If we all decide
to go to The Barn,
then I have to give notice here
so they have time to replace me.
And if we don't do
enough business this summer,
then we end up with...
...nothing.
Of course. When is it ever easy?
I-I-I vote no. Okay?
Enough.
I... All I wanna do
is play football
and lose my virginity.
That's not asking a lot.
And I can't do
either of those things
if I'm constantly moving around.
I like it here.
Okay? Please, just...
Les, how do you vote?
I vote...
that we leave this ugly town.
Okay, so we have one
voting to stay, one to leave.
You little shit.
Don't say "shit"
when we're eating.
Nobody likes me here, okay?
Derrick, and you
can play football anywhere.
You can do better
than Annabeth Devine.
I didn't wanna tell you this,
but she told me her favorite
Marx brother was Curly.
Guess what?
I don't give a shit who
- her favorite Marx brother is.
- Derrick.
Curly isn't a Marx brother.
He's Three Stooges!
That's very telling.
What do you think, Mace, huh?
I mean, no pressure.
This is just our entire future.
Well, I know
how you're gonna vote,
and I know how
you want me to vote.
You're quite adorable
when you get keyed up.
Oh! I know it.
You're the biggest liar.
You only ever think of yourself!
No. That's not true.
Just last night, I was up late
imagining what
it must feel like to be you.
But then, I got so bored.
- Five years?
- Yeah.
We could have real lives.
Yes!
Wow! But...
You little asshole!
- No, uh-uh, no, Derrick!
- Come here!
I'm just,
I'm so afraid to be hopeful.
This could be the biggest
mistake we've ever made.
But Milwaukee
could lead to bigger cities.
Our name could
finally mean something.
This is what
we've been waiting for.
But if it doesn't work,
I mean...
Honey, we'd be
living in the car.
That's a new low, even for us.
Mace, it could be great.
Well...
Great is the way I like it.
Yes!
Mwah! Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!
Derrick?
I know you're upset.
I'm not upset.
I'm not going.
I'll stay here
with Annabeth's family.
That is never going to happen.
I got a job at Foot Locker.
I'll stay with her family,
pay her family rent.
I'll stay in school.
I'm almost 18 anyway.
You're 16.
I'm happy here.
You're gonna be happy there too.
I'm happy here.
Okay? I hate always
saying goodbye to everyone.
Well, you won't have to say
goodbye for five years.
If we even make it there!
This is yours,
Les and Mom's dream.
Theater, it's all right,
except it's bullshit.
It's not real.
Real is so overrated, Derrick.
I-I-I have a girlfriend here.
You--
You'll have a dozen girlfriends.
And that's life. You don't--
You don't stop at the first one.
So I should just sleep around?
Is that what you're telling me?
Yes.
I wish someone would've told me.
Look, Derrick,
you're a great looking kid...
You're not listening.
That's the last thing
I think about, you know?
Did you know that
more Playboy Playmates
come out of Milwaukee
than any other town?
Dad, you can't just
make things up
and then think
that they're true.
Derrick, you have to dream
things into happening.
You have to dream
bigger than you are.
And you have to find work
that you love,
and then you bring that love
into work with you.
Who would rather
work at the Foot Locker
when you could work
in the theater?
Me!
Thirteen, fourteen.
All bags are accounted for.
You gonna be okay there,
Annabeth?
Okay then.
Goodbye, Akron.
I will not be back.
There are places I like better.
Derrick, come on. Chop, chop.
Get the show on the road.
Here comes Johnny
Singing oldies goldies
"Be-Bop-A-Lula"
"Baby What I Say"
Here comes Johnny
Singing "I Got a Woman"
Down in the tunnels
Trying to make it pay
He got the action
He got the motion
Oh, yeah
The boy can play
Dedication
Devotion
Turning all the night time
Into the day
He do the song
About the sweet lovin' woman
He do the song
About the knife
They do the walk
What's our address out there?
- Hmm...
- We're not exactly sure.
Remember Dee Baskin, who played
Anybodys in West Side Story?
In real life too.
She sells real estate
in New Jersey now.
We are going to stay in empty
houses Dee Baskin's selling.
Do the owners know?
Great. We're squatters.
We're enterprising.
I'll just tell Annabeth
to address her letters
to "Empty houses
Dee Baskin is selling."
Derrick, you're handsome.
You'll be single
for an hour wherever we go.
I don't give a red hot shit
about how I look, okay?
I wish everyone would just
shut up about how I looked.
What?
Oh, my God, you got lipstick
all over your face!
Shit.
Is it gone?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah. You got it.
I am the very model
Of a modern Major-General
I've information vegetable
Animal and mineral
I know the kings of England
And I quote
The fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo
In order categorical
Ha ha!
I'm very well-acquainted too
With matters mathematical
I understand equations
Both the simple
And quadratical
About binomial theorem
I am teeming
With a lot o' news
Oh, yes.
With many cheerful facts
About the square
Of the hypotenuse
With many cheerful facts
About the square
Of the hypotenuse
With many cheerful facts
About the square
Of the hypotenuse
With many cheerful facts
About the square
Of the hypoten-potenuse
Mom!
I'm very good at integral
And differential calculus
I know the scientific names
Of beings animalculous
In short in matters vegetable
Animal and mineral
I am the very model
Of a modern Major-General
In short in matters vegetable
Animal and mineral
He is the very model
Of a modern Major-General
Derrick!
Derrick?
Derrick?
Oh, my God.
I know our mythic history
King Arthur's
And Sir Caradoc's
I answer hard acrostics
I've a pretty taste
For paradox
I quote in elegiacs
All the crimes
Of Heliogabalus
In conics I can floor
Peculiarities parabolous
I can tell
Undoubted Raphaels
From Gerard Dows
And Zoffanies
I know the croaking chorus
From the frogs
Of Aristophanes
Then I can hum a fugue
Of which I've heard
The music's din afore
Din afore? Din afore?
Din afore? Ah.
And whistle all the airs
From that infernal nonsense
Pinafore
And whistle all the airs
From that infernal nonsense
Pinafore
And whistle all the airs
From that infernal nonsense
Pinafore
And whistle all the airs
From that infernal nonsense
Pina-Pinafore
For my military knowledge
Though I'm plucky
And adventury
Has only been brought down
To the beginning
Of the century
But still in matters
Vegetable, animal and mineral
I am the very model
Of a modern Major-General
But still in matters
Vegetable, animal and mineral
He is the very model
Of a modern Major-General
What the fuck!
Bravo!
Is that the smile
you're gonna wear?
Well, I don't have a poker face.
You know that.
Come on, the show was great.
Yeah, but the house wasn't.
Seriously, Ed Monroe
did not look happy.
What are we gonna say to Ed?
- Ed! Congratulations!
- Ed! Congratulations!
Beautiful production, Buddy.
Well, if you're happy,
we're happy.
- I'm not happy.
- Oh.
- Where was the audience?
- Oh, listen.
Wait until the reviews come out.
Word of mouth will spread.
We'll be selling out
every night.
We better, 'cause this won't do.
We hear you, Ed.
We're on it.
All over it.
Don't worry about a thing.
Buddy, honey,
I want you to meet Fred.
- I'll bring him right back.
- Please.
I will.
No.
No, the first time
I kissed a girl,
she stuck her tongue
in my mouth, moved it around...
I thought
she was having a seizure.
Wow, Kyle.
'Cause, you know,
you look like you were born
without your virginity.
So, uh...
how do you act sexy?
It's more like thinking. Hm?
You know,
when I go up to a girl,
I'm not worrying,
"How will I impress her?"
"What am I gonna say?" No.
You think one thing,
very clearly,
over and over
when you approach...
What?
"I have a foot-long penis."
"I have a foot-long penis."
And then just be
whatever she wants you to be.
You're an actor.
You could do that.
And it's sexy.
Oh, also, try and go
for the plainer girls
who think
you're out of their league.
Flattered sex is amazing.
Now you try.
"I have a foot-long penis."
Oh, really? Just--
Yeah, no, really.
It works every time.
Okay.
You're a very weird kid, Les.
Thanks.
Tonight was fun.
How can you act like we're not
in some serious shit right now?
All I said was tonight was fun.
Ed Monroe is not happy.
We're about to lose everything.
Do you even care
about your family at all?
This is just what we do, Macy.
What do we do?
We struggle, you freak.
It works out, we repeat.
That is not our thing.
That is--
That's a terrible thing.
But it's ours.
Well, it's not the way I see it.
Well, how do you see it?
I see to it we scrape by,
by any means possible
while you promise us
this great future.
- Okay, okay, come on.
- It's exhausting, Buddy.
I am lonely, and it's turning me
into some kind of a shrew.
Macy, please. It's okay.
I'm actually
repelling people now,
and I don't blame them.
I'm even repelling you!
We're about to lose everything,
and you're talking about
what fun you had at a party.
You know,
it would be nice if just once
you showed a little faith in me.
Just a little.
You, you put so much faith
in your invisible God.
Well, I'm actually here,
and you have none in me.
Because you promised
we'd make it in five years!
Wishing things
won't work, Buddy.
This is my dream too!
I have given us a big life!
A unique one.
Don't treat that
like it's nothing.
And we're not doing so badly.
No, we're doing horribly!
- Oh, my--
- We have kids.
You wanted to wait so long
'cause you didn't wanna
make the same mistakes
as your mean dead aunts,
but your mistakes
are just as bad.
- We're living hand-to-mouth...
- Ha! Jee-- I mean--
...in empty houses
Dee Baskin is selling.
What's your plan B?
We are not living hand-to-mouth.
We are so rich in so many ways,
but the only thing you ever see
is what we don't have.
Yeah, well, unless we get
some butts in those seats,
I don't know where we're going.
Where are we going, Buddy?
As I've said all along, we are
either all in or we're not.
I will make this work!
All right? I promise.
Come on, go to sleep.
Your mom and I
were just rehearsing.
I don't know how,
but your mom will blame me
if she knows you're still up.
How old were you
when you married Mom?
You know we don't do age
in this house.
She was so much fun, your mom.
No, she really was.
But she couldn't say,
"I love you"
unless she really
felt it deeply.
I could say "love" like
other people say "envelope,"
I'm so shallow.
So I admire that in her.
What was your mom like?
Oh, I really don't remember her.
She walked out
when I was only four,
didn't even shut the door.
I had to live with my aunts,
Astrid and Reliance.
God.
So, your mom could be
anywhere in the world,
you'd never know it.
Yeah. People are shits.
But that's on them.
How you treat people
is more important.
And, Les, you have
a huge capacity for kindness.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
I didn't learn
anything about love
from Astrid and Reliance.
I got all that from your mother.
Yeah.
And you two monsters.
Can you imagine
your mother's face
when the money comes in?
Wow.
Oh, that would be something.
I wish I knew how to do it.
We will.
I know.
Yeah?
- Hey.
- Hey.
I told Les
I'd drop these off to him.
Did he tell you I was coming by?
No, of course not.
Books on acting.
Oh, I don't know if I should
thank you or throw them at you.
I tell you what,
you wash, I'll dry.
Then I got to get to rehearsal.
Deal.
Thank you.
So, what's your story?
Where you from, anyway?
Arkansas City, Kansas.
You ever hear of it?
No, never will.
So what do you do
for fun in Arkansas?
Oh, think of ways
to get out, mostly.
But looking back,
I was happy then,
and didn't even know it.
Maybe that's just being young.
But I was Queen
of the Arkalala Festival.
Oh, I knew you looked familiar.
My nickname growing up
was Bigfoot
'cause I was six feet
by the time I was twelve.
So you could've knocked me over
when I got that crown.
It sounds like an honor,
but pretty slim pickings
in Arkansas, I admit it.
Is that where you met Buddy?
No, we met at a theater party.
I think he always thought
I was gonna be
that kind of party happy.
And I let him.
We married a week later.
Mm.
It was like there was
a spotlight on him
anywhere he'd go.
And he chose me.
Hmm.
It's hard being the plus one
in your own life sometimes,
though, you know?
I've never felt like
a plus one before.
No.
- What?
- No.
Well...
- What?
- Nothing.
I don't see him going anywhere.
No. Mm-mm. He's not.
I am.
Rehearsals.
Thanks for the books.
And in the future,
when Les is on unemployment,
we'll think of you.
Thank you for the tour.
I've been looking for a really
nice place to worship.
You're very welcome here.
- Oh.
- Anytime.
Thank you. How many
parishioners do you have here?
I would say 120.
Oh...
Well, it's a start.
Very nice.
Rabbi, how many
members are there
in the temple's congregation?
The masonry itself
is just spectacular.
As the newest member
of the Ascension Greek
Orthodox Church,
I would love to organize
a theater party
for all our parishioners.
So Catholics can come
to our productions
at a much reduced rate...
seeing that I'm one of you now.
Buddy, that's horrible.
How many churches did you join?
Eleven.
What? You're always
after me to join the church.
Buddy, it's a sin to lie
to a man of the cloth!
Who lied?
I said I wanted
to join the church, I joined.
Well, you're sending
yourself to hell.
I hope you know that.
Straight to hell.
I'm doubling our subscriptions.
- Seriously?
- Yes.
I bet I could get us a balcony
full of Episcopalians then.
Yes!
Holy cow!
Oh, my God, you look
exactly like the girl I married.
Wow.
Or maybe we always
see the people we love
the way they looked when
we first fell in love with 'em.
I'm not like that girl.
Oh, you're not?
You said, "Holy cow!"
Maybe you don't see it,
but I do.
You just want to see it.
I told you I was gonna
make this happen, Macy.
You're very sexy
when you get all self-starty.
Wow, get used to that.
What? What are you doing?
- Come here.
- What?
We have just enough time
for a quickie.
What?
Come on,
right here on the counter.
We'll turn off the lights.
Save on the electricity bill.
Macy?
We can't, we don't have time.
- Five minutes, tops.
- No. Look,
Les could be here
any second with--
with Fritzi and Loud Sue
and the rest of the gang.
When is Les ever on time?
Oh, my God!
You are my favorite wife ever!
Ooh!
I'm gonna go to the store
to get beer for everyone.
Macy, this is the best brownie
I've ever had
in my entire mouth.
Dad, can we do On Borrowed Time
when we get to Milwaukee?
If we get to Milwaukee.
Honestly, Les.
You only ever want to do plays
with parts for you in it.
Well, you got to audition
like everybody else, sport.
Barbra Streisand
made me her Brooklyn brownie
when I was with the Broadway
company of Funny Girl.
It doesn't compare to this.
They always make me audition.
I hate auditioning for them.
Kyle, you're the first person
who didn't look impressed
when I happen to mention
I worked with Barbra.
And they always say
the same thing
after every audition.
Thank you, Les.
We'll call you.
You know, and they never call.
I have to audition
again tomorrow.
Brighton Beach Memoirs.
It's the lead.
I was the first replacement,
Mrs. Strakosh,
in the original show.
Does that make me
too old for you?
No. It's your age that does.
That's my beeper.
Oh, I gotta check
my answering service.
- Oh, maybe it's your big break.
- Yeah.
Hey, Macy, can I use your phone?
Whoa.
- Of course.
- Thanks.
Relax, dear. He plays
for my team, not yours.
There you go. You got it.
Les Smart.
It's Lester.
Whenever you're ready, Lester.
Oh, yeah.
- One...
- Two, shoulders up.
Singular sensation
Every little step she takes
Point and point.
And step.
Hat to the head. Three, four.
- One
- Elbow right, down.
Brilliant combination
Every move that she makes
Step, brush, three, four.
One smile
And suddenly nobody else
Step, flick, step, up,
step and step, slow.
You know you'll never
Be lonely
Kick, step, brush.
With you-know-who
Five, six. Back, back!
Yes, Tiffany,
find your light, pop, good.
And you can forget the rest
Diddla-diddla-do
For the girl is second best
To none, son
Ooh, sigh
Give her your attention
Do I really have to mention
She's the one
When do we hear about Milwaukee?
Shouldn't we have heard
something already?
Derrick, what are you gonna do
when the money comes in?
Hmm?
- When the money comes in?
- Yeah.
I'm gonna get Green Bay
season tickets
right at the 50-yard line.
I mean,
everyone's writing them off,
but I don't know.
Well, what are we gonna do
if Milwaukee doesn't happen?
Oh, it will happen.
Everything's gonna be great.
But, I mean, like,
do we have a place to go?
Because eventually Dee Baskin's
gonna sell a house.
No, we are all in on this one.
But, the bigger the risk,
the bigger the reward.
The bigger the loss.
I mean...
how will we even pay for food?
- Theater tickets.
- Theater tickets.
You gotta have
a little faith, Derrick.
You might ask yourself,
"Why can't I be more like Les?"
'Cause I'm more like me.
He's got a positive attitude.
He has faith that we're
going to end up in Milwaukee.
- Don't you, Les?
- Nope.
Thanks.
Very funny.
- Watch out for the pothole.
- Hmm?
The pothole, right--
- Sorry.
- Really?
Derrick?
I need to talk to you
about all the girls
that you've been
kissing on lately.
No, no, you don't.
Yes, I do. Your mother and I
think you're being a slut.
No, look, you-- you told me
to sleep around. Okay?
It's exactly what you said,
word-for-word.
"Have a big life," you said.
You wished someone had told you.
That doesn't mean
you sleep around
with every girl
from Secaucus to Paramus.
I mean, there's horny,
and then there's pervy.
Watch out for the pothole.
Do you see it?
Right there.
- Dad, he's doing it on purpose.
- Shut up!
Hey!
If you have sex
without a condom,
your mom's gonna
cut your balls off.
I think this talk went well.
Derrick, can you drop
me off at the theater?
All right, Lester, have fun.
Les, darling.
How did you know I'd be here?
Tallulah Bankhead,
1902 to 1968.
You look ghastly, Les darling.
What's the matter?
I'm just waiting to see
if I got a part and...
It's a long story, Tallulah,
and I'm not sure how I come out
at the end of it.
Champagne?
I meant for me.
You know, plus, Derrick's
making out like a bandit,
and it's got me thinking--
I don't know what to tell you.
I've been with many men,
and I've been with many women.
And, darling, there has got
to be something better.
Did you hear that?
- Oh!
- Oh, uh, I'm sorry.
I-I didn't see anything.
Oh, shit.
Les...
Les, wait, please!
Les, Les, no...
Buddy?
What-- What happened?
What's wrong?
What did-- What do you--
Who's on the phone?
We got Milwaukee.
I got the call.
Milwaukee!
Five years!
We are set for
the next full five years!
Oh, my God!
Champagne.
We need champagne. Lots of it!
We're celebrating big time.
You know why, Les?
It's not just
because of the phone call.
Les...
I should probably go
through your people,
I know, but I can't wait.
You got the role.
What?
What? The role.
Brighton Beach Memoirs.
You got the role.
You were the best actor. Truly.
There was no nepotism involved.
Oh-oh-oh.
There you go. Yes, let it out.
You deserve it.
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
Congratulations. You wanna
go to the store with me?
No, it's okay, it's okay.
You know what?
This is a turning point
for our family.
Whoo!
Les...
Alcohol...
Do you have
any decent champagne?
Indecent only.
Everyone's a comedian.
There we go.
Mm.
No, no, no.
No.
Welcome in the name of Jesus,
we are gathered to worship,
to proclaim Christ crucified
and reason
to remember before God,
our brother Buddy Smart.
To give thanks for his life,
to commend him
to our merciful redeemer
and to comfort
one another in our grief.
The grace
of our Lord Jesus Christ
and the communion
of the holy spirit
all gather grace and glory,
we remember before you today...
...our brother Buddy.
Do you remember Mr. Paterson?
Son, sorry for your loss.
Oh, doctor.
Boys, I'm so sorry
for your loss.
And, Macy.
He lived life exactly
the way he wanted.
It's a gift. No one could ever
tell Buddy what to do.
I could. And did.
But he didn't listen anyway.
Clearly, I couldn't.
Dr. Kannengiser, thank you
for coming all that way.
I'm just so overwhelmed
by how many people showed up.
I wish Buddy could've seen it.
He loved a packed house.
That he did.
Doctor... what couldn't you
tell Buddy to do?
Well, you know. Retire.
'Cause of his heart.
You've reached the Smarts.
If you were trying
for someone else,
we beg your pardon.
I will recite a poem
if you leave a message.
There once was
a woman from Devizes,
whose breasts
were of different sizes.
One was quite small.
It was nothing at all.
The other was huge
and won prizes!
Your turn.
If you could read
My mind, love
What a tale
My thoughts could tell
Just like
An old-time movie
'Bout a ghost
From a wishing well
In a castle dark
Or a fortress strong
With chains upon my feet
You know that ghost is me
And I will never
Be set free
As long as I'm a ghost
You can't see
- Mom?
- Hmm.
Did he talk to you about me
playing football in Milwaukee?
He said I could.
He, uh, said if we got there,
that there'd be security
so I wouldn't have to work
at the theater anymore.
He promised.
You don't have to work
at the theater anymore, Derrick.
But what about
the theater in Milwaukee?
Look, I really tried,
but your father had
a contract there, not us.
We're not going to Milwaukee.
We're going home.
- Home?
- Yeah.
You can play football in Kansas.
My brother said we could stay
with him on his farm.
On his farm?
We're living on a farm?
What are we, cowpoke?
What am I supposed to do
in fucking Kansas?
Hey.
You can start
by watching your mouth.
It's physically impossible
to watch your mouth.
We don't have options.
You might even like it there,
Les.
It'll be like living
in The Wizard of Oz.
In the black-and-white section
of The Wizard of Oz.
No one wants to live
in that section!
Just keep an open mind.
Kansas is famous for twisters
and being white.
We don't have
any place else to go!
I am doing the best I can
for us.
You're just gonna have
to accept it, Les.
The motto of
the state of Kansas is...
"To the stars
through difficulties."
Seems to me you've all
had your share of difficulties.
What do you boys like
to do for fun? Huh?
- Um...
- Les loves theater,
- like his dad.
- Mm-hmm.
Uh, I don't know
about theaters much, but...
we have a Renaissance Fair
with costumes, mermaids,
and fire spitters.
The church puts on
a nativity tableaux each year.
And, that's... you know,
kinda theater-y, and...
That's not even amateur theater.
Um, what about football?
Oh, well, we love
our football in Kansas.
And we're really bad at it.
But we got national parks,
national forests, and, uh...
Macy? What do you say I take
the boys hunting tomorrow?
Really? Arming them? I--
Well, I know
the girls never wanted to go,
but I bet your boys would.
I'm not some psycho
serial killer
shooting and killing things.
My dad just died.
Les...
I know that, but
people here feel differently.
Out here... gun control means
hitting what you aim at.
People out here,
they love their guns.
- People followed Hitler, too.
- Jesus.
Oh, yeah, you think
that's a fair comparison?
I don't give a shit
about being fair.
- Les!
- Well...
You know, suit yourself.
You're free to stay,
and you're free to go.
No one's holding you prisoner.
But we clear our own plates
in this house.
What part of "We don't
have anywhere else to go"
was unclear?
You all right?
No.
I don't think I'm me anymore
without my dad.
I'm never gonna find my people
in Kansas.
You haven't even
been here a day.
This is an opportunity.
You start a new school
next week. High school.
Just try fitting in. Huh?
Having a normal life
isn't a sin.
Les...
Y-You need to let me explain.
- I loved your father--
- Just go away.
I just want to unsee it.
But for the longest time,
everybody looked at me
like I was...
dull and serious,
and not worth knowing.
And-- And I-I never used
to be any of those things.
Even you looked at me
like that, Les.
Your dad, he saw someone
that didn't exist anymore.
And I just...
I just wanted to be seen.
And Kyle saw me.
Saw you with his penis?
I made a really bad decision,
and I made it deliberately.
And I wish to God it was just
my secret and you didn't know.
I'm so sorry, Les.
I love you, sweetheart.
Hey, Les.
Can I tell you something?
Kansas was my real inspiration,
you know.
William Inge, 1913 to 1973.
If you look at my plays, Les,
they're all about my life here.
Kansas turned me
into a real artist.
You could be an artist too.
You could be as happy as I was
here if you just give it a try.
Didn't you kill yourself?
Well...
Run, run, run, run
Run away now
Got to run away from me
Whistle-blowin'
Pistol-packin'
Gun-slingin' showdown
Is what you're all
About to see
- Nice shirt.
- Thanks.
Listen to Dr. Feelgood yet?
Pretty good. Better than
Girls, Girls, Girls.
- Alex.
- Derrick.
- Johnny.
- New?
- Yeah.
- Cool.
Seriously?
My mom, you know, she just--
This is, uh, my brother Les.
Yo.
The chess club in room 104
has been canceled.
Am I seeing things,
or did Selena Roach get,
like, totally hot over break?
Oh, man, look at her.
- She looks kind of slutty.
- Right?
Right. Yeah, I love sluts.
She is totally third base, man.
You know, when I pick up girls,
I think one thing.
- Very clearly, over and over.
- What?
"I have a foot-long penis."
Yeah, watch.
No way.
What's so funny?
What are they saying about me?
My brother thinks you're a fox.
He's the guy you're watching
like a TV set.
Yeah, I'm so sure.
Not really my type.
What kind of girl does he like?
New.
I'm Les.
Hmm. Okay. Selena.
Oh, you shouldn't be
drinking like that.
I'm using a glass.
- No, I meant--
- No.
I should absolutely
be drinking, okay?
I yelled at Buddy over and over
to have a Plan B.
I have no plan.
I was an awful wife.
My kids are miserable.
Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't be drinking.
I meant you shouldn't
be drinking alone.
My mistake.
Why'd you stop talking to me?
Why, I'm pretty sure
we're talking now.
You stopped returning calls,
you stopped writing...
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
Well, you look terrible.
Well, I feel terrible, Walter.
Well, you...
You look it.
Look...
I read three different articles
this week about...
food allergies.
Three.
That can't be a coincidence.
They say, what you eat directly
contributes to how you feel.
You can be allergic
to something.
And-- And it-- And it causes--
it causes mood swings,
and you aren't aware of it.
That's not this.
Look, there's a man
in Enid, Oklahoma
who cut his wife up
in a salad bowl
'cause he was allergic to dairy.
All three articles
talked about him.
Walter...
No, all I'm saying is...
aside from Buddy...
The uncertainty?
The overwhelming emotions?
Yeah?
Could all be tuna.
Yeah.
Glad you could ditch with me.
I always ditch PE.
How long have you lived here?
God, too long.
I know everything everyone's
gonna say before they say it.
Intolerable.
I'm moving to LA
first chance I get.
If Debbie Gibson
can be a rockstar...
I'm giving myself five years
to make it in New York.
I'm going to an acting school
where they don't just
teach acting...
but how to become rich
and be fascinating.
My dad said they have those
in New York.
Wait, you're gay?
What?
Mm. All actors
are just a little bit gay.
Do you wanna touch my boob?
Yeah.
Uh, under the shirt.
Oh.
Hey, your brother seems
way cool.
- Mm.
- He have a girlfriend?
- Uh-uh.
- Hmm.
Okay, it doesn't screw off, Les.
That's enough.
I saw Hair
when I was eight 'cause...
my dad said he'd rather
I learn about sex in the theater
than the street.
People here
are obsessed with sex.
You know, I'm in AP Calculus.
But no one
ever talks about that.
I know what the guys here
say about me.
But I'm not doing anything
they're not doing.
Anything they wish
they were doing.
Exactly.
Intolerable.
Yeah, it just really
upsets people here
that I have a working brain,
and a working vagina.
Intolerable.
Intolerable.
On a hill far away
Stood an old rugged cross
The emblem
Of suffering and shame
And I love that old cross
Where the dearest and best
For a world of lost sinners
Was slain
Thank you so much
for coming today.
- Pastor Ellis, I'm Macy Smart.
- Oh, hi, Macy.
I hear the church is looking
for a bookkeeper.
Yes, actually,
our Miss Rowbottom's
leaving us to get married.
I have over 15 years experience
in bookkeeping for my husband.
- Okay, and your husband is--
- Dead? Yes.
Oh.
His number came up,
as we say in bookkeeping.
I see.
Look. Apparently,
I'm a control freak
with control over
absolutely nothing in my life.
And I'm also seemingly
dull and uninteresting,
so perfect for the job.
I'll see what we can do, Macy.
It was a lot of this, watch...
Double take.
Triple take.
It was so... Oh, my God!
It was like serving time
in thespian jail.
And the more I tried to escape,
the more musicals
they'd put me in.
That's bizarre, dude.
I know, and I'm fantasizing
about football and tackling
and for real,
this is what they have me doing.
On stage, in front of everyone.
Eight shows a week.
Triple time step!
It wasn't actually like that.
It was actually really great.
Come on!
"Moon, June, croon, tune"
and the "feelings" bullshit.
It was so corny
and embarrassing.
I never told any of my friends
what I was doing
'cause I know
I'd never live it down.
It wasn't corny.
It was corn
right off the cob, Les.
You just weren't good at it.
Everything's different up there.
The energy, the intensity.
You connect with everybody
simultaneously
and bring them together.
That's the opposite of corny.
- We were good.
- No.
We were terrible, Les.
Dad told you we were good,
and you believed him.
And we were a joke.
And Dad picked that joke
over us.
And he died for it.
I mean,
he wanted to be good,
but you gotta face the truth,
Dad was the joke.
Dad was fucking tragic.
- Take it back!
- Whoa.
Dad went after what
he loved 100%, and that's brave.
We were special,
and you weren't.
That's not Dad's fault.
You're just a boring,
ordinary asshole, Derrick.
Dad wasn't tragic!
We were special.
What are you and Derrick
fighting about?
I'm not talking about it
with you.
Okay.
Why not?
Because you cheated on Dad.
Is that what you and Derrick
were fighting about?
You know...
I'm gonna be so famous.
Everyone's gonna piss themselves
wishing they were nicer to me.
When the money comes in...
I'm gonna make Kyle my assistant
and treat him terrible.
No matter what he does,
it's not good enough.
And when it's time to give him
a raise, I'm gonna fire him.
Okay, you wanna join me here
- in reality for a second?
- No.
Reality sucks.
It's better in my head.
But it's not real.
- It's better.
- It's not.
It's braver to face things
head on.
Artists appreciate truth.
You're not an artist.
Your dreams never happened,
so now you don't dream at all.
That's the opposite of brave.
No, you don't dream when you're
just trying to survive, Les.
That's exactly when you do.
No, you face facts
and you deal with them.
Dreams are fine,
but dreams can also destroy you.
I am trying...
to protect you, Les.
That's my job.
- You're limiting me.
- No.
You want me to pick the safest,
smallest life possible.
Honey...
I'm giving myself five years
to make it in New York.
I'm not gonna be small
and simple like you.
I'm going after what I want.
And I'm dreaming fucking big,
just like my dad.
You're not ever gonna
forgive me, are you?
You have everything you need?
Really?
Uh, you know what I mean.
I'm fine.
Really?
You know what I mean. Come in.
You think you're gonna stay?
I don't know what to think.
I'm just...
Well...
Questioning everything.
Yeah.
I can't even pray.
Why would I pray to a God that
let Buddy die without faith?
Plus, Buddy knew he was sick.
He pretended he was fine.
He never let on.
Mm.
I didn't know Buddy well, but...
I guess
he didn't want you to worry--
They warned him.
Buddy and his big dreams.
That's what killed him.
And I-I...
I must've known on some level
because I kept begging him...
I don't know how to forgive him.
I can't forgive myself.
- Mm.
- And I don't know how to...
live my life now without God.
You know, growing up, uh...
I always wanted to protect you.
But you never needed it.
Who knew I'd be so bad at it?
No...
What do you suppose
Buddy'd say about all this?
On with the show.
Hm.
I know what you've
heard about me.
I don't, you know.
They all just say
they've been with me
because they don't wanna be
the only one who hasn't.
All of 'em.
It's all good.
You know, I don't
say anything because, uh...
you do what you have to
when your last name's Roach.
I mean, I don't care,
it doesn't bother me, I--
I'm leaving town anyway.
I'm moving to LA
to become a singer.
Don't--
Don't go. I just got here.
You're messed up, huh?
Wha-- I'm not messed up.
Uh-huh. No?
- No, no siree--
- Yeah.
No, I'm--
- Okay, yeah, I am.
- Yeah.
I'm messed up.
- Okay, slow down.
- Hey.
Yep, LA.
Actually, we, um--
We moved here from Milwaukee.
Mm.
Yeah, my dad's in manufacturing.
He worked at the Maybelline
cosmetics factory
until it shut down there.
I didn't even get
a fucking lipstick outta it.
Wha...
Did you know that more
Playboy Playmates
come from Milwaukee, than...
Shit!
Oh, Dad...
What's wrong?
It's just... I don't even miss
my dad.
I-I don't miss him.
Fuck.
My--
It's just, my dad, um...
Okay, well, um...
I still want to, so...
you can if you want.
Yeah.
Okay, yeah, Derrick. Off.
I have to get home.
What happened?
You don't remember?
What?
Whatever, just take me home.
Wait. We didn't...
I-I lost my virginity,
and I don't even remember?
You-- You were a virgin?
You couldn't tell?
Macy, everything all right?
Everything's sunshine and Santa
Claus, Pastor. Why do you ask?
Well, the high school
just called.
They wanna know if you'd come in
at 1:00 to talk about Les.
Oh, well...
he's having
a little trouble adjusting.
You know, the church has
a pretty big outreach, so...
You know, you don't have to do
all this alone, Macy.
Well... I'm taking a vacation
from church.
Well, you're literally
working... for a church.
Well... I'm not working
very hard.
Look, I just meant
that I know how messy it all is.
And, you know,
if you needed help,
I'm sure the church
could spring for an analyst.
I do not need an analyst.
I face things head on.
That's what I do.
You know what?
I hide in the background
and keep my mouth shut
and get things done.
If anything,
I am too sensible, too safe.
As a matter of fact, I resent
this entire conversation.
I keep a tight reign on things.
I am managing just fine.
Thank you very much.
I know, I was talking about
a financial analyst.
I was talking
about the books, Macy.
I'll let you finish up.
He said what now?
God doesn't exist.
What class was this for?
PE.
PE?
Coach Gifford was saying
that it would take an act of God
for Les to pass PE
if he continues the way he is.
And he responded with--
Did the coach ask him
what he does believe in?
'Cause I'd like to know.
That is a pretty bold statement.
What-- What do you believe in,
if not God?
I don't know, just...
Me, I guess.
You're 14. You're 14 years old.
I-I know.
I second guess myself
every 15 minutes!
That's an extraordinary
statement
- for a 14-year-old to make...
- Mrs. Smart...
Who thinks like that at 14?
I don't think you understand--
His dad had trouble with God
too. Les takes after him.
And he hates
the hell out of me right now.
But God bless you, Les,
if you'll excuse the expression,
'cause I know
how you feel about Him.
But it's a little like
having his dad back.
I don't think you understand,
Mrs. Smart.
If he continues this way
there's a good chance
that Les will fail PE.
Oh, he's failing PE!
Just wrap your head around that.
But, he'll make it up
in another way, it'll be fine.
He could be the football team's
mascot maybe.
We're-- We're still, um...
Um...
- What are we?
- The Beavers.
Beavers!
Dress him up like a beaver.
Whoo!
Mom, are you drunk?
Do not talk to me like that.
No, you don't!
Can you believe he's...
This is not about me.
This is just...
You probably
like lox for breakfast.
But there's no salmon fishing
near here.
Now, bass toast...
is an undiscovered meal
you're gonna love.
Say... how do you
like your school?
They don't get me here.
You think I give a shit
if people get me?
You are who you are, that's it.
Maybe they'll, uh...
they'll get you tomorrow.
Maybe they'll catch up.
The thing of it is,
by the time they do...
you won't give a shit either.
Hmm.
How come you stopped
seeing each other?
You and Mom.
'Cause we're idiots.
I was so pissed off...
when she left town
with your dad.
She was engaged
to my best friend,
and I couldn't understand how
she turned her back on all of us
for a guy she'd known
for, like, a week.
Nobody saw it coming.
Oh...
We fought and just, uh...
measured and doled out the exact
amount of love and affection
we thought the other was giving
and gave that exact amount back.
Stupid shit.
Hey, you want, uh...
You want butter or cream cheese?
On bass?
Yeah.
Butter.
I stayed put here all my life.
Freakin'... Kansas, man.
I don't know,
maybe she was smart.
You should make up
with your brother.
She's falling down
a rabbit hole,
and I don't know how to help.
Oh, For God's sake. You would
all make the worst spies ever.
- Happy birthday!
- Happy birthday!
Oh, yay!
Another year older.
Here's to the decay of my body
and growing old alone.
Here, this came
in the mail a few days ago.
Derrick...
Would you open it up?
Your mother is hung.
That's a line from Auntie Mame.
It's just a line from life now.
You can forget all that.
It's a Bible.
It's probably from one
of the many churches in Jersey.
Let me see it.
Nice Bible.
I don't understand.
Who's it from?
Buddy.
Let me see the postmark.
Really? You think it's going
to say "Kingdom Come?"
Akron, Ohio. Yeah, it was
forwarded from our last address.
I... I remember him getting it.
It's engraved.
Leather bound,
he spent money on this.
We were in the book store.
It was... kind of random.
But...
the effort he went to...
It made him really happy.
Then...
I mean, on, I-I...
on some level...
for him to give me this,
I mean...
Maybe he accepted God a little.
Maybe even just
for my sake, right?
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
We're going to church. Now.
All of us. Let's go.
What? Really?
We're going to church? Now?
He's not
gonna be in purgatory.
I can make it up to him.
I-I was just laying here
thinking...
Buddy died never having
found faith, but I was wrong.
He had so much faith in us.
What're you all
standing there for?
- Move! Go!
- All right.
- Church?
- Go!
- Go!
- Church...
Yay. Happy birthday.
So...
you really think
he found God all of a sudden?
Maybe he did.
In what reality?
I don't buy it.
I don't see what's
so great about reality.
It just doesn't work for me.
How'd you get it postmarked
from Akron?
What?
That was genius.
I didn't.
You didn't?
I didn't.
I got Ernie Saracino to.
There it is.
It got her out of bed,
didn't it?
So what?
Now we just spend
the rest of our lives
pretending Dad found God?
Who's it hurting?
Ruth Gordon said,
"Some days you have to lie."
You pretend you don't know me
in school.
You're good with that lie.
Look.
You're gonna move to New York,
and you'll fit in there.
And you're gonna be
really successful.
I'm-- I'm not.
I need to fit in here, and...
I just can't with you around.
You think I'm going
to be successful?
I'm-- I'm not talented
like you, Les.
Shit, I'm not even talented
for Kansas.
Dad thought what people
don't like about you in school,
they're gonna love about you
on the page.
I mean, he thought
you were gonna be a writer.
And I'm never really gonna
get to know him now.
'Cause I'm an idiot.
You're not just an idiot,
Derrick.
No one's just one thing.
You're also selfish and unfair.
Okay.
I think we treat each other
terribly 'cause we're family.
And we know we can.
Wanna hear something funny?
I tried out
for the football team here.
I didn't make it.
O holy night
The stars
Are brightly shining
It is the night
Of our dear Savior's birth
Long lay the world
In sin and error pining
Till He appeared
And the soul felt its worth
A thrill of hope
The weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks
A new and glorious morn'
Fall
On your knees
O hear
The angel voices
O night
Divine
O night
When Christ was born
O night
Divine
O night
O night divine
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Macy.
Look, I've been thinking.
I never wanna hear you say you
only have five years to make it.
I played that card
with your father,
and it made us both miserable.
It's like starting a race with
100 extra pounds on your back.
You're either all in
or you're not.
- You hear me?
- Yeah.
And don't get
so comfortable here.
We're leaving.
Come on, let's go.
- You wanna take a break?
- Hmm?
I mean... You let me know if
I'm working you too hard, okay?
Oh, no, I'm good.
Seriously, Les,
give me a hand.
Oh.
Well...
...you still look terrible.
But I don't feel terrible.
Anyway, you oughta see
what I'm looking at.
Are we staying in empty houses
Dee Baskin's selling again?
I negotiated
a better deal than that.
Especially after
I heard Joe Henley,
who took over for Buddy,
tanked in Milwaukee doing
Death of a Salesman,
of all things.
If we get our shot in Milwaukee,
we're gonna do a full season
of nothing but Neil Simon.
Money in the bank.
What if we don't get Milwaukee?
We'll get it.
Anyway, I've got a couple
of tricks up my sleeves.
Good things are coming, boys.
I can feel it in my bones.
Mm.
Maybe that's arthritis.
Feels weird doing this
without Dad.
Well, I guess that makes us
weirdos again.
Derrick, step it up. If you
make me late for Ed Monroe--
Seriously? I'm literally
the only one doing work here.
Talk back
and I'll put you center stage
in every dance number
this summer.
No, no, way.
I'm not doing another musical.
Triple time step
under the spotlight.
No, uh, you-- you can't--
You can't make me do it.
I'm a woman drunk with power.
I will make you do mime.
Come on, let's go.
Say goodbye to Walter.
- Bye.
- See ya.
Thank you, Walter.
Anytime.
Hey.
- Come on, Mom.
- Yeah, I'm coming.
God.
When I was 29,
I joined the U.S.O.
I had no particular talent, but
I didn't let that get in my way.
You felt it was
your patriotic duty?
I was single. I was 29.
I went for the boys.
Keep that swagger,
remember to smile and have fun.
Off you go.
Sparkle!
Could you put these
at stage-left prop table for me?
Thank you so much.
Places, guys, have a great show.
Good show, good show.
Uh-- You!
You did good in your one scene.
But you're done, one and done.
You take another step
toward that stage,
it'll be your last step,
Lester Smart.
Mom, I'm nowhere near the stage.
Mom.
Can we have the keys to the car?
If I can find 'em.
Go, go, go!
How's the house?
What are you up to, Les?
- Just-- Just watching.
- Hmm.
Go.
One singular sensation
Every little step he takes
One thrilling combination
Every move that he makes
One smile and suddenly
Nobody else will do
You know you'll never be
Lonely with you-know-who
One moment in his presence
And you can't forget the rest
For the guy is second best
To none, son
Ooh! Sigh!
Give him your attention
Do I
Really have to mention
He's the one
She walks into a room
And you know
She's uncommonly rare
Very unique
Peripatetic
Poetic and chic
She walks into a room
And you know
From her maddening poise
Effortless whirl
She's a special girl
Strolling
Can't help
All of her qualities
Extolling
Loaded with charisma
Is ma
Jauntily sauntering
Ambling shambler
She walks into a room
And you know
You must shuffle along
Join the parade
She's the quintessence
Of making the grade
This is whatcha call
Traveling
Oh strut your stuff!
Can't get enough of her
Love her!
I'm a son of a gun
She is one of a kind!
One
She walks into a room
- Singular sensation
- And you know she's
Uncommonly rare
Very unique
Peripatetic
Poetic and chic
One
She walks into a room
- Thrilling combination
- And you know from her
Maddening poise
Effortless whirl
She's a special girl
Strolling
One smile and suddenly
Nobody else
- Can't help
- Will do
All of her qualities
Extolling
You know
You'll never be lonely
- With you-know-who
- Loaded with charisma
Is ma jauntily sauntering
Ambling shambler
She walks into a room
And you know
You must shuffle along
Join the parade
She's the quintessence
Of making the grade
This is whatcha call
Traveling
Oh, strut your stuff!
Can't get enough of her
Love her!
- I'm a son of a gun
- She's the...
- She is one of a kind!
- One
One!
Singular sensation
Every little step she takes
One!
Thrilling combination
Every move that she makes
One smile and suddenly
Nobody else will do
You know you'll never be
Lonely with you-know-who
One!
Moment in her presence
And you can't forget the rest
For the girl
Is second-best to none
Son
Ooh! Sigh!
Give her your attention
Do I really have to mention
She's the
She's the
She's the one!