Ex (2009) Movie Script
How did I do?
You got the presents mixed up...
you almost set the house on fire.
You lost your hat and
they recognized you... brilliant!
Nothing for me?
These are our favourite songs.
I made this for you.
I LOVE YOU
You really are Father Christmas!
Stop! Caught you at last.
Please, if you let me go...
I'll be really nice to you.
You're trying to corrupt me.
Obscene acts in public
This is my house, honey.
Come on! Keep the act up!
Or it won't work.
Okay, I surrender!
Trying to trick me?
You're trapped!
I read that a couple in Tel Aviv
kissed for hours non stop.
That's a world record.
Great lungs!
Are they unbeatable to you?
No!
Darling, look. A shooting star!
Make a wish.
Okay
That was quick.
Can I make it come true?
That depends
Do you have George Clooney's number?
Smartass
Come on!
Casanova used to kiss his lovers
by the Eiffel Tower
The Eiffel Tower wasn't there
in 1700!
I know, but if it had been,
he would have
Did his tactics work?
Well, he was a professional...
kisser
MANY KISSES LATER
Love is a dangerous disease
which unlike measles
and chickenpox
can be contracted more than once
"l will always love you."
"You're the love of my life"
But above all:
"We'll be together forever"
are things we say
when we're in love
Has anyone spoken these words?
Okay
Maybe you're not aware that dopamine,
a neurotransmitter
builds up when we're in love
Dopamine is a sort of natural drug
that makes us see hearts everywhere
But these levels tend to decrease
after a couple of years
It's scientifically proven:
romance and passion ends
1000 days after the first kiss
Professor,
may I ask you a question?
On this subject...
I'm all ears
Are you married?
Me? No, I've been happily divorced
for eight years
Just accept it
Sooner or later, you're destined
to become someone's ex
EX
That's nice
I like it, darling.
It's very pretty
It's not too big
It's nice.
What did I tell you?
My folks were married in this church
When my mom sees this,
she'll be in tears
When will this come down?
Let's ask Don Lorenzo
You'll like him. He's cool,
he's not your typical priest
He looks...
Sorry
I was arguing with my girlfriend.
I mean...
my motorbike
Here we are, Don Lorenzo
Hi, Corrado
This is Elisa, my fiancee
Hello
Hi, Elisa
Lorenzo.
No, Don Lorenzo
Don...
Will this work be completed
in time for our wedding?
I'll ask
Caravaggio, will you be finished
by St Valentine's Day?
If you pay me, sure thing!
There
In terms of maintenance,
Mr. Martani...
you accept to pay
, 3500 euros each month
And to renounce custody
over the children
That's right,
Ijust want this over with
While you, Mrs Zecchi
agree to that sum
and you don't want custody
of your children either
Neither of you want custody?
Have you discussed this?
I wouldn't mind having custody
but I own a fashion house in Milan
I'd have to fly back and forth.
He lives in Rome, so...
That's no excuse.
She doesn't own a fashion house!
It'sjust a walkin wardrobe!
I work from eight in the morning
till two at night most days
I own a number of clubs,
ask my lawyer...
Great dad he is.
He sees his kids when they're asleep
He doesn't know how
to show affection!
You gave them 200 euros
for Christmas!
You get that, Your Honour?
200 euros!
They're 8 and 10. They asked for
Gormiti, and Winx...
She paid them off
like she pays the maid
So where will we place
these children?
Can't they live with you?
Do you have room?
Actually, my house is tiny
And I already have a dog
Brunori, I wasjustjoking.
I didn't mean it
Your Honour, the children and l,
the problem is...
that we don't get along,
we're unable to communicate
Can I be honest?
The children in question
aren't very nice
Right, they're horrid.
You see?
Of course, look at their dad.
They're your kids too!
You raised them, you keep them!
No, you keep them.
No, you will!
You have them!
You cow!
That's enough!
What a model family!
I've never seen a case like this
Oh, all right,
let's fix another hearing...
for the 12th
Come with your children
Do we have to?
Yes.
Mr. Martani...
children are a serious matter
A family needs to be respected
Marriage shouldn't make people
turn nasty
it should turn them
into better people
Because you're a bitch!
25 years of marriage down the drain!
That's great, let off some steam
All you can do is work
and complain
Thank goodness I work,
otherwise who'd pay
for your holidays to the Seychelles
and your skiing trips?
Idiot! I didn't work
because you didn't want me to
You didn't want a wife,
you wanted a maid
A slave!
Calm down, Luca, easy
The squid tasted fine.
This isn't about the squid!
It's a matter of principle:
I can never express an opinion
Because this hysterical cow
always has to bust my balls!
You treat me like a waitress!
Why didn't you take them out
for dinner
instead of having me cook all day?
Would that have cost you too much?
Don't call me a cheapskate
in front of my friends!
If I had killed her the first time
the idea came into my mind
I'd be out ofjail by now!
If I killed you,
I wouldn't even need to go tojail
They would judge me insane
just for marrying you!
Goodnight to you all
Where is he going?
He's pretending to leave again.
He's a real clown
This time, I swear to God,
I'm never coming back!
Once again, goodnight
Goodnight
Sorry
After our kids left home,
he lost it
I'll get the cake. I made it!
I think your friend
needs to see a shrink
He had one: me
Kudos to you!
He's bipolar
with manic depressive tendencies
Even Freud would have given up
Listen... why don't we have
dessert at my place?
But it's only our first date
I know. But this wasn't planned
I mean, if the cake
is like the squid...
Let's go!
In honour of the woman he loves
your personal chef has prepared
his first Italian cuisine experiment:
pasta carbonara!
It's yellow!
It's the original recipe
Spaghetti, eggs, bacon,
oil, pepper and pecorino cheese
Did your dietician recommend it?
Darling...
it looks more like an omelette
It's the French version:
"Omelette carbonara"
Don't complain, Giulia
You'll miss his omelettes
She'll miss them?
Didn't you tell him?
Not yet
What?
I have some bad news...
Your folks are coming?
It's not that bad!
I've been promoted. I got
a letter from the Ministry today
That's fantastic!
Why did you say it was bad news?
The post is in Wellington,
New Zealand
The land of
"The Lord of the Rings"?
Yes
Middle Earth!
Do you have your cab money?
Yes, right here
What time will you be back?
After we've pulled a couple of drunks
Soon then.
You think so?
You haven't seen
my seethrough thong yet
And I'd rather not.
Bye!
Be back at 2: 00!
3: 00!
2: 30
I'll wait up. At 2: 31
I'll start reading your emails
I've changed my password.
Bye, mom!
Here I am, honey bun!
Hi, honey bee
What's this music called?
Tribal brutal suicide
Suicide music... that makes sense
I could always go back
to being a porn star in Paris
You'rejoking, right?
Right
Hi, Andrea.
Dad, why are you here?
I wanted to see you
We haven't had a chat for so long!
What?
I left your mom, she's nervewracking
That's more like it.
What are you up to?
Nothing, just chatting.
Well, don't mind me
I bought this place,
so I can use it...
I'll go next door, I'll be quiet.
Dad, wait!
Where are the sheets?
Well?
Sorry
Is that your girlfriend?
No, that's Martina, my friend.
She's staying for a few days
Good evening.
Noemi, this is my dad
Hello
Before I forget,
here's December's rent money
I'm sorry it's overdue
Goodnight.
Goodnight
Let me get this straight...
Dad, l...
You sublet my flat?
To pay for the bills
But me and that parasite of your mom
and I pay for everything!
Want me to speak to her?
No, I made my decision
If I'm going to live for another
20, 30, or 40 years
I'm not spending them with her
Do you intend to spend them here?
I'm sick of that cow
Please, she's my mom.
That's your problem!
Paolo Desideri?
Yes.
Good evening
Do you know Monique?
Monique, my girlfriend?
No!
She was my girlfriend
until you came along
Right. So, technically speaking...
you would be her...
.. ex?
Ex my ass
Stay out of her life, got that?
Yes
Maybe we should let her decide,
don't you think?
I don't think you understand.
No...
Monique must not know
we have met
If I see you with her again,
you'll need a new ID picture
A new ID picture...
I see
Go
This is my car, these are my keys...
Go
Police! I've been attacked
by a madman, a criminal
Calm down, where was this?
Back there, just now
My girlfriend's exboyfriend
hit me
I want to press charges.
We'd better go to the station
Davide, we need to report an attack
Really? Good evening.
Hello. Right...
What happened?
What happened?
I'm asking you: what happened?
Well?
I don't know!
He said he was attacked
by his girlfriend's ex
That's dangerous stuff.
Most murders in Italy
are committed by family members,
caused by extramarital affairs
Well,
this isn't an extramarital affair...
Usually they go unpunished.
Really?
How do you catch a guy who kills
a man in a dark alley
severs his head
and then dumps the body?
Do you know the man
that attacked you?
No
You said he was your girlfriend's ex
Did he?
You misunderstood me
You interrupted me midsentence!
I was saying...
He was an exurbanite.
That's what I meant
Was he white?
No!
He was a coloured man
A strange colour, like burnt sienna
or antique ochre
And he didn't attack me,
hejust bumped into me
And I got scared
Take note...
He's wasting our time
Unit , over.
See what they want
There's been an accident.
Roger. Let's go!
Good evening
- This looks bad!
- Must've fallen asleep at the wheel
Hello, have you identified her?
Not yet
99% cocoa
An ancient Aztec recipe
Extra dark
My favourite
Tonight...
I feel like Van Gogh
Now I'll prepare the canvas
That'll be my ex-wife
I've got a special ring tone for her,
a really annoying one
Sorry, I'll turn it off.
Why would she call this late?
What is it?
Yes, speaking. Who is it?
Where?
I'm on my way
What happened?
Nothing happened
Nothing? You're still in shock
after seeing Elisa
No, I was happy to see her
But I'm a priest now
Because of her
That's not true!
Antonio, I got a calling
Maybe it was a wrong number
I have consecrated my life to God
I don't think about Elisa
the way you think I think about her
- I don't think anything
- Yes, you do. I know you do
I don't feel desire
towards Elisa anymore
No urges.
No!
But when she left,
you washed yourself with holy water
I did?
Yes
Yes, I told you!
The priest is Lorenzo
Lorenzo? Your ex?
He can't marry us, it would be like
in "The Thornbirds"
You split up ages ago
- You left him
- So? I feel awkward
- Have you told Corrado?
- No
Should I?
Sorry, I don't understand
why you don't like Don Lorenzo
It's not him, it's the church...
But it's perfect, it's the right size
If any extra guests arrive,
like my cousins from Sicily
there'll be room for them too
Remember that church in Trastevere?
- With the priest that was...
- From Puglia?
The one who spoke
with that funny Southern accent
Listen, it's our wedding
not a variety show
Don't fight before your wedding day
We might die before then!
Did you put dynamite
in this sauce?
- It's Malaysian black pepper
- Right. I thought it was hot
How about some dessert?
I'm off to work soon
- Are you coming, honey bun?
- I'm afraid I can't
I don't have my car so...
You said you were late because
you couldn't find a parking space
Did I?
That's right, I drove home
and then I came on foot
- Don't you live across town?
- On foot... it's slang for "by taxi"
Today Jacques is taking the Germans
on the bateau-mouche
Sophie's taking the Italians
to the Louvre
Make sure they don't steal anything
And Marc, you're doing
the Pre-Lachaise cemetery tour
See you back here tonight
The cemetery...
how exciting!
What has Giulia decided?
It's a good opportunity for her
She's saying goodbye to her folks
on Friday and then...
she's off to Middle Earth
- So have you two split up?
- No, why?
Well, Paris...
Wellington
A hour flight
A hour time difference
You'll leave on a Friday,
get there on Sunday
No sex, you'll be toojet-lagged
Then you fly back and beat
the world record forjet lag
Great!
Not to mention the horny Maoris!
Quite
Kato...
Kato, come here!
Kato
Here, kitty!
Good kitty
- Hello?
- How was dinner, honey bee?
Was it hot?
Yes, it was...
That's Malaysian pepper for you
Elisa loves it
I told you to stay away from Monique
But nothing happened
it wasjust dinner with friends...
I don't care. Stay out of her life
- Is that clear?
- Yes, it is
Don't burn the milk, you idiot
Thanks
Michela was the prettiest girl
at the university
When I first met her,
she was kissing my boyfriend...
whom she ended up marrying
a few years later
I took an instant dislike to her
But that only lasted a week
Because...
you couldn't help but love Michela
Through all these years
she's always been my best friend
That's life
Men come and go...
but your friends never dump you
That is why I feel so angry today
Because it's not fair
Not fair
We had planned to go to Ireland
together this summer
No husbands, no kids
It's something we always
had wanted to do
Maybe this time we were going to go
I'm sorry
- Have you finished?
- Almost finished
We have masses of stuff to carry
We'll make two trips
you said " just a few bits"
Dad, why won't you stay here with us?
Darling, we have talked about this
I'm closer to work
And my house is bigger
We'll be fine, you'll see
I know it's a difficult question,
but if one day your parents
were to live in different houses
who would you choose to live with?
Neither of them
- Why's that?
- They're both bad
- Have you seen how vulgar they are?
- Please, let them speak
Don't you like doing things
with one or the other?
We never do anything with them
Don't say that
I bought you that TV tennis game
We spent all day playing with that
You played it with your friends
And you did this to me
I was doing a back-hand shot
It was for the set, I couldn't lose
I took them for a nice long walk
just yesterday
- Where did you go?
- To the beauty salon for three hours
Just for the basics, a facial peel,
some waxing, a massage...
then we had a lovely ice-cream!
- Big deal...
- So what would you like to do
with your parents?
Visit the Planetarium
- Go to see La Boheme
- La Boheme?
You see?
I told you they were weird
They prefer La Boheme to Spiderman
Good, La Boheme is a masterpiece
Right, Brunori? Do you know it?
I always get home late
What channel is it on?
Anyway, great choice
It's one of my favourite operas
Tell these two that Mima is one
of the best characters ever invented
La Boheme is also an indicator
of women's social status in 1800
You see what I mean? They can't
be my kids, they're Nanni Moretti's
Children, I'll ask you again
Who would you rather live with?
Your Honour, we want to divorce them
- Is that possible?
- No
But I sympathize with you
Valentina, the gym can become
your bedroom
You can have my study,
I never use it anyway
Is it always such a mess?
A maid comes twice a week,
more if we need
- We do
- I'll prepare my specialty dish
Breaded veal cutlets and
mashed potatoes
I'm allergic to milk
- Since when?
- Since always
- I'll make pasta carbonara
- I'm a vegetarian
- I'll just use cheese and pepper
- It's got milk in it
- Can I ask you a favour?
- Go ahead
Stop fussing
It doesn't suit you
- Is she always like that?
- Only when she's upset
That was great, Giulia.
Thank you
You come to the party tonight?
Sure
Sorry, the telephone...
Darling! Aren't you sleeping?
Oh, it's raining in Paris...
If it windy here?
It sounds like it...
It's the air conditioning
it's so hot in New Zealand
Listen, I've got a meeting
with the ambassador...
I'll call you later, okay?
Bye
It was call from the Mom?
Yes
Yeah
Why is it so complicated?
Next time we'll get an easier one,
with pieces
- Let's sleep, I have to be up early
- Wait
I need my fill of you
Who knows when I'll see you again
Whenever you like
Look, there are web cams,
instant messaging...
"She's so clingy! "
Some things you just can't do
over the internet
Care for a dance?
I'd be glad
"Let's get married"
"Let's stay together"
Remember that every divorce
begins with a wedding
So many couples complain
afterjust one year of marriage
"Don Lorenzo, I've had enough! "
"She won't let me watch the game"
"He won't let me watch the soaps"
Is marriage about soap operas?
And then there's sex...
That damned sexual attraction
that fades away after a bit...
That's when people start having doubts
Husbands stay up
watching porn on the internet
Then they make up soccer games
to see their lovers
And do you think their wives
will sit at home waiting for them?
Absolutely not!
They'll say they're meeting a friend
but in fact they're seeing
a guy who's been telling his wife
that he's playing soccer
Even their wives have lovers!
Has any of you ever cheated?
No-one?
Are you sure?
- Marco?
- I wasjust a kid, at the seaside
It doesn't matter where!
You still cheated!
And you're not the only one
But if you're sure you're in love...
- Are you sure?
- Yes, I am
- And you, Elisa?
- Yes!
Let her speak, I asked her
We've been living together for 2 years
and nothing has happened yet
Never say never
- Let's hope not!
- Have you ever declared eternal love
then retracted?
Abandoning a poor soul in the street
while they imagined
being with you forever
With two children, a beach house,
a nice garden. And a dog!
But no!
Out of the blue, with no warning
you just left...
Who has done something like that?
Me. I have
You have, Elisa
And why?
Because we were different
We kept arguing
And he was so immature
And did you ever tell him that?
No!
Yes, I did. But he took no notice
- Aha. He took no notice.
No
Did you worry you would hurt him?
Maybe he was...
really miserable
I was really miserable too
Let's talk about children
An incredible gift from God
Ever changed a dirty diaper?
What on earth did you do?
In the name of good taste!
That was a hideous gift
from your mother!
And you think you've got good taste?
Mr Blue Socks-Brown Tie
That wasjust a one-off!
You'll pay for this
You can't be that crazy!
It has sentimental value
My mother gave it to us
- It'sjoint property
- We'll divide it then
You're crazy!
You need a shrink
- You need shock therapy!
- Dad, mom!
- Honey
- Sweetie pie, you're back early
I'm glad you came to see us
before leaving...
because your father and l...
wanted to tell you
how proud we are of you. Right?
"Our little girl!
She's so grown up
She's been to Paris
and she brought us this...
and now she's off to New Zealand! "
if there's a New Zealand
is there an old Zealand too?
Andrea told me everything
What's going on?
Your father and I are considering
spending some time apart
No, you're considering it
I have already made my decision
Is this my goodbye present?
But why can't we meet at my place?
We always do
"Marriage kills passion"
- I'll come over then
- No! That's boring
Let's do something more exciting
let's meet...
outside Rome, on the Via Tiberina
Wait for me by the fifth kilometer
- On the Via Tiberina?
You're nuts!
- Come on, it'll be fun!
Pretend you're a hooker
and I'm your client
Good idea, I like that!
How much, babe?
- 700 euros
- You want me to pay your taxes too?
- Where are you?
- There's traffic
- It's raining...
- Really?
- I'll just be two minutes
- Hurry up, or I'll drop my prices
- It feels like it's been ages!
- It's not been that long
Go easy! And no love bites please
You're driving me wild!
- What are you waiting for?
- I'm as wild as a beast!
Yes! Yes!
- What's that?
- The police
Hell! They're everywhere!
Hide
- Lie down
- Okay, relax
We'll tell them that we're lovers
and that I'm not a hooker
- You don't get it, he'll kill me
- Oh, stop!
Lock the doors
Oh, God!
- Come on, open up!
- Better not
- Paolo, open up
- Carabinieri, open up
- Paolo!
Carabinieri!
Hurrah for the Carabinieri!
Thanks
Hi.
Hi
Giulia, right?
Mrs. Gipsome
Welcome to Newzeland
Let me show you the house
Honey, are you on your way?
- Where?
- What? You invited me to lunch
Sorry, I'm at work
Can't talk right now
The boss had an accident
I'll call you later
Sorry, that was a girl I'm seeing
She's a bit clingy
- How many girls are you seeing?
- About five or six
Plus a few students, obviously
Where were we?
Michela...
She died to spite me
- I don't think she did it on purpose
- Of course not
But now that the kids are with me
no more sex, drugs and rock'n'roll...
- My life is over
- Mine'sjust started
I have started divorce proceedings
I'm speeding things up
The process server is
a friend of mine
Make the most of it, life gets better
after the divorce
Can we have the bill, please?
Right away
And could... Aunt Renata
and Aunt Lella...
sit next to your friends?
No, they'll bore them to tears!
- Well, where can these old bags sit?
- With your folks
- They're related
- They hate each other
Really?
How about with your folks?
- Are you kidding?
- They might get on...
Can I be the one to decide who'll
sit next to my folks on that day?
You've turned our wedding
into a table soccer match!
Don't worry. We'll discuss that later
Here you are
43 euros exactly
Sorry, we're planning the seating
arrangements for our wedding
Good luck
Dad?
- What are you doing?
- I haven't danced for 25 years!
And you're planning to start now?
Come on, everybody!
Giulia, dad is dancing
to "Sex Bomb" with my friends!
- Help me stop him or I'll kill him
- How?
Get them to kiss and make up!
I already have tried
- I can't even mention his name
- What shall I do?
Giulia
I'll call you back
I'll be sleeping...
Sorry, that's my little brother
You are saying?
The meeting will be held in two minutes
Okay, I am on my way
By the way...
Because you are new here
If you need anything, at anytime
Don't hesitate to call me
Right, thank you!
Again?
It's my boyfriend
I'm off
No, wait. I want to introduce you
Hi, darling!
Hello
Hey, you're not alone!
The one in the middle is my boyfriend
This is my colleague, John
Hi, everyone
Hi John
Darling, I have a meeting
I'll call you later. Kisses
Kisses
You see?
- He's flirting with your ex
- She's not my ex!
And considering
the requests from both parties
I feel the best solution
isjoint custody
What you are now reading is the weekly
schedule you'll have to follow
- A schedule?
- Is this a joke?
This is impossible
I can't do this
I can't take my daughter
to drama classes twice a week!
Please have mercy, I hate plays
I always fall asleep!
I can't go to exhibitions, zoos
and planetariums each week
- What's a planetarium?
- I can't have them every Sunday
Next week I have a congress
about artificial nails
- You'll have to miss it
- Attorney, this is an abuse of power
No, it is not
This isjust some advice
- It's blackmail
- Whatever...
If you don't stick to this schedule
Alice and Leonardo will call me
and I'll retaliate
Meaning?
Perhaps the tax man would like
to visit your fashion house
When these people start looking,
they always manage to find something
And wouldn't it be dreadful
if your SUV got towed away each morning
- You drive a SUV, right?
- It's more like a mobile home
- You look like a SUV driver
- Thanks
And what if the Carabinieri...
- We understand
- Great
- Hi, darling
- You're back early
Of course
They drove me mad
so I failed all of them
A woman called Roberta called
She told me you never call her
Okay. Did you make some tea?
I tried, but I don't think this is tea
- This tea?
- Dad, do you smokejoints?
- Me?
- You're fifty
No... actually I'm 49
This must belong to
the Filipino maid. I knew it!
- Where's Valentina?
- Upstairs with Giampi
- Who's he?
- A classmate
Is he staying for dinner?
I don't know
Let's ask him
Vale, sorry...
- Valentina!
- Dad!
- Shouldn't you be knocking first?
- Good evening
- What are you doing?
- Guess!
- Here?
- Or I could borrow your car
Some privacy please!
Privacy?
- Mom allowed me some privacy
- Your mom did...
Giampi, will you be
staying for dinner...
.. after?
No, I always get sleepy afterwards
Great
Please excuse me
Streams of words
divide us
One day
They'll sweep us away
I'll give you my heart
if you want me to
Now speak to it, if you can
- Brilliant
- I don't believe it!
We drove 250 kilometers
to reach Pescara
and see Jalisse in concert?
Tell me you'rejoking!
Jalisse are a part of
Italian music history
- Jalisse?
- Yes. Just listen to them!
Look at the crowd's reaction...
I hope no-one recognizes me
Or my career as a DJ will be over!
Streams of words...
Paolo, tell me the truth
What's wrong?
We never stay in Rome
we live like nomads!
It'sjust that Rome, in terms
of culture and music...
and even in terms of gastronomy...
is dead!
You can't compare it to Pescara...
Paolo!
Yes...
I know...
there's one problem
The problem is...
they don't make Caipirinha
with Cachala here
I'm surprised
Let's have some rum then...
Monique
David
- What a shocker!
- How come you are here?
- I'm a big fan of Jalisse
- You too?
- Yes
- I'm outnumbered
- Who is he?
- I'm sorry, this is Paolo
This is Davide, my ex
But don't worry,
we'rejust great friends now
- Are you alone?
Yes
- Join us
- I don't want to impose
- Maybe he wants to take a walk...
- If you really insist, okay
Here we are
Brilliant!
You see? I don't know what to do
How did you deal with your kids?
Don't know!
Just follow your instincts!
Give them freedom
- More freedom than this?
- I have enough problems
- And you're the shrink!
- Yes, in theory
Their mom was a natural. I'm not
- Dad?
- Hold on. Yes?
- Got a condom?
- What?
A condom
- This has gone too far!
- Yes or no?
- You can't ask me...
- Forget it, we'll do without
No, wait!
I might have one
In your wallet?
For emergencies
They're delay condoms
Even better!
Thanks!
See what I mean?
- What's so funny?
- Delay condoms?
You idiot!
Holy cow!
Kato!
You want to become a stray?
Where are you?
Kato, where are you?
Come here. You gave me a fright
Let's go and sit on the sofa
- What are you doing here?
- I can't sleep
- Fancy some herbal tea?
- No, thanks
Come here
Come on!
The thought of someone like you
making love to Monique
disgusts me
That won't happen
It used to, but it was a mistake
and I didn't enjoy it
Since I met you,
I have not laid one finger on her
I love her
- I would do anything for her
- That's really nice of you
Really
I knew you were a sensitive guy,
almost an introvert
- Yes. Get your phone
- Okay
Here
Call her and dump her
Me? I've never left a woman before
I really don't know how to
Just improvise
The person you are calling
is currently unavailable
Her phone's off. She's sleeping
What now?
I'll send her a text message...
You have 24 hours
Let's play a game
What can you see?
Honey, I'm still at the office
Please, I can't
There's a prize if you guess
Your tummy?
- Wrong
- Your foot?
Oh, I can see some cellulite
Your butt?
No way!
My inner thigh. And now?
Let's do this later...
- Give me a clue
- A hot zone!
- How hot?
- Very hot!
That's a...
A nipple!
- Hello, Mr Giresse
you're not paid tojerk off on the net!
No, it'sjust that I miss my girlfriend
Sorry
But you were young once too, right?
Never during working hours!
Slow down! Or the organ player
will need to switch to rock!
You need to walk slower
- Let's try this again
- Okay
It's like a stroll
You have to look left
and right and smile
- They'll all be herejust for you
- Okay, zoom in!
- Come on!
- You're like the queen
I take her from here, right?
- Yes
- Excuse me
Hello?
Hi, auntie. Go ahead
That's Aunt Nazarena, the rich one!
You can come?
Great!
Listen, the wedding list...
Are you having a hen party?
I think Monique has already
planned something
I see. Don Lorenzo
Monique's a saucy minx!
- Hey!
- This is a church!
Sorry, but Corrado told me that
you were open-minded
- I am, but I'm still a priest
- I apologize
Have you planned a raunchy stag night?
No way!
We'll just battle it out
on the football pitch
Shall we rehearse the vows now?
- Corrado?
- Please, not a fridge!
- Corrado!
- I'm trying to get a plasma TV!
- Hello?
- Practice with him for now
Is that allowed?
Yes... all right
Okay. Ready?
Action!
I, Elisa, take you...
Corrado...
as my husband
In the name of Our Lord,
I promise to be faithful to you
in good times and in bad
in sickness and in health
to love and to honour you...
till death us do part
Don Lorenzo?
- Don Lorenzo!
Yes?
- Could you...
- Yes, okay
I, Corrado, take you...
I have three deals for plasma TVs!
- Did I miss out on something?
- No, it's your turn
Perfect
You see, sometimes...
the obstacles you are presented with
seem difficult to overcome
and so a marriage
may appear to be rocky
Luisa, please!
Don't lecture me!
Let's get this over with!
I have a hearing in 45 minutes!
All right. Is there anything
you wish to state?
- No.
- Yes
My client accuses her husband
of mental cruelty
We'd like
a psychological evaluation
Mental cruelty?
You think I'm barmy?
You're committing a mistake!
You won't get a cent!
- I don't care if you starve!
- Silence!
Your wife has the right to...
Are you siding with her?
Female solidarity, that's what
the three of you are up to!
You're saying
I'm not being impartial?
You have hated men ever since
your husband dumped you!
Everyone knows that,
but you can't take it out on me
I won't allow it!
I want a differentjudge!
Stop this,
or I'll have you removed!
- Go ahead, attorney
- Thanks
My client also requests
a medical examination
to confirm that her husband
suffers from erectile dysfunction
Impotence!
Oh, no! This is too much!
What are trying to prove?
That you can't get that thing up!
What on earth are you saying?
Brunori, stop taking notes
I'm not impotent at all!
And you know that!
- What the hell did you say?
- No, we're friends...
Friends my ass!
You're crazy! You're crazy!
You'll be doing 20 years
for attempted murder!
Go for , I will succeed in the end!
You think that I will start apologizing
and agree to all of your requests?
Like hell I will!
Let me go, please!
This is bad enough
It's him
Your Honour, hello! Are you okay?
- Yes.
- We were looking for you!
Oh, hello
I really can't help you today
- But we wanted to thank you!
- For what?
For making us spend more time with
our kids, it was helpful
La Boheme isn't half as bad,
a bit of a drag though
The tenor woke us up
But we have even better news!
- You know what it is?
- No
We still love each other
we don't want a divorce after all!
Isn't that great?
I think that's bullshit
that's what I think!
- What? You always said...
- A load of bullshit!
Getting married...
is the biggest mistake
anyone can make!
He'll just make you suffer!
You'll look at her one day
and you'll ask yourself...
why?
Why?
Why?
Honey, I'm glad you made it
to John's birthday party!
Well, let'sjust say I did my best
We held it here, it's roomier
You'll meet my colleagues
Do you have a good view?
Thanks, honey
Hi Mike, open to the party
Hi John, happy birthday
Thanks
Would you like to dance?
I can't stand this!
The occasional glitch is normal
I'm a bit stressed
Occasional? We haven't had a screw
for a month. I give up!
You keep making excuses!
I went along with your stupid ideas
I even acted like a hooker!
I even came along to see Jalisse!
I've had it
We have the whole weekend ahead,
it must be my blood pressure
Maybe it's a burst blood vessel,
I'm sure it'sjust temporary
Temporary?
No, this is final. Bye!
No, wait!
You have taken me to a motel
in Basilicata!
Basilicata's beautiful for its history
and the stones of Matera!
- But it's 500 km away from Rome!
- I know, but that's not my fault!
It's your ex's fault
Let me explain
It's enough!
I don't want hear those excuses!
He keeps threatening me
- If I don't leave you, I'm dead!
- I know what we'll do...
I'll dump you, so you'll be safe
Okay?
No, that's not okay...
Monique...
- Do you have your keys?
- Listen...
- How about some pasta?
- No, thanks. We're going out
- Maybe tomorrow
- Count me in!
Okay, thanks. Bye
Bye, Andrea
- Are you eating here tonight?
- No, I'm off to mom's
- I have to fix a leaking tap
- It's been doing that for years
- My tools are in the cupboard
- Dad, I know...
- I used to live there too.
- I know
- Don't come back late!
- Okay
Time for pasta
What a surprise!
This advice might come in handy
for the rest of your life
First of all : don't ever tell a woman
you love her if you don't mean it
Second: if you only call a woman
just to screw her
you should be a sex god
and you're definitely not
Third: you're a crap shrink
Where did you get your degree?
- May I, sweetheart?
No. Fourth : fuck off
She's crazy
I've been treating her for years
But she's right. You should only say
"l love you" if it's true
I never said it!
Maybe once, without thinking
It can happen...
I know why you're being like this
You think badly of me
because goodness knows
what your mom told you!
Dad, mom always said nice things
about you
Always
Really?
Ever been in a situation like this?
I mean...
those rumours about Mary Magdalene
and you...
were theyjust rumours or...
You know, did you...
No, I wasjust asking because...
if they were true
I'd understand. Therefore
you would be able to understand me
Jesus! Can I be upfront with you?
- I'm going nuts!
- Too right you are!
- You're talking to the wall
- And you are listening!
- I was talking to...
- The boss
It's a private matter!
But if you have a problem
and you need someone to talk to...
- I'm done
- Hallelujah!
firstly: there's no problem
Secondly: I don't want to talk
Thirdly: we're not mates
We are, but I can't discuss
certain matters with you
We can't talk about the fact
that you still feel yearning...
for your ex?
I have no urges,
and remember where you are
- I'm telling the truth
- No, you're not!
I'm just worried about Elisa
What if Corrado's a jerk?
Have you forgotten where we are?
Of course, sorry
You know what I meant
What if he's not the right man
for her?
If that's the problem...
- We can find out
- How?
Isn't he playing football tonight?
let's verify that
I have a feeling it's a lie
What am I doing?
- Look at these women.
Good evening
- Good evening
- Can I take your coat?
My coat?
Yes, thank you very much
- Thank you
- Good evening to you
Hands off
Corrado! Corrado!
A football match?
It does look like a warm-up
Hi. What will you have?
A pair of...
I mean... a pearjuice!
- Okay.
Just a pearjuice. Sorry
- Here we are.
- Yes
This is our menu
Our dish of the day is Delice
She's Brazilian
She's new, just got here
A real delicacy!
Want to have a taste?
You have a menu with the girls?
They're not sandwiches!
Men can be worse than animals!
Women would never do such a thing!
women are superior beings!
Give us a flash, give us a feel!
My God!
Go Elisa!
Come on, girls. I danced with him
If you wouldn't mind
not getting too close...
you'll cover me in oil
Get naked!
Stop being silly!
No, thanks. No, really.
I'm embarrassed
Enough. Can I get down now?
Come on, Elisa
It's time for your surprise!
What?
Oh, God!
Make us proud. Come on!
Where is he going?
Look after this for me
I'll be right back
So what will it be?
No, actually, l...
We'll do anything you want us to
- Anything?
- Absolutely
I'd appreciate it if you told my mates
that I drove you wild
That you had to stop me
- So, you don't want to do anything?
- No, I'm sorry
Good man
Because every time I have cheated
on my girlfriend...
- He has cheated on her!
- .. I always felt so bad
Now we're getting married
and I couldn't!
Your friends won't get a refund
No problem
Just out of curiosity...
- How much did they pay you?
- 500 euros
For the full service
front and back
Well...
.. I'll get dressed
- Yes, do that
Yes
Wait, let's not be hasty
I was thinking...
There are people starving in
around the world
We can't waste 500 euros
Come here, let me give it to you!
- Let me give it to you!
- "I couldn't"
Hi. You asked for a whipping?
No, but thanks all the same
- What's your wedding night outfit?
- I bought a lingerie set...
It's red!
Red? Isn't it very New Year's Eve?
- Should I have bought a white one?
- No way!
Red is sluttier!
Right, it's sluttier!
But Elisa's innocent
just like Candy Candy!
Listen up!
We have a saucy surprise for you
No more surprises please, girls
Hand it over
Candy Candy's secret diary
I give up
Let's find out her secrets
The here present Candy Candy
has drafted a ranking
of all the men she has been with
- Only a few
- Actually, it's 23
I had 23 guys
the summer I graduated
Okay, top of the list
we have an A+!
Ladies, I said an A+!
Give me his number!
Who is he?
No one, just...
No, here's the revelation
Lorenzo, Don Lorenzo
The priest!
I'm definitely
getting confirmed tomorrow!
- Then what happened?
- John showed me his surf board
His surf board
Actually, he's a champion kite surfer
I see. And then?
We went in search of waves
You can't imagine how great that was
I can imagine
Giulia, I don't think
I can do this anymore
Honey, don't bejealous
Come visit me
- For St Valentine's Day
- I can't, it's high season
- Why don't you come over?
- Ijust got here a month ago
I'm sorry
I'm really sorry, honey
Hi
- Do you know what time it is?
- Yes
If he sent you, forget it
It's about Michela
Come in
What's this?
A sense of delayed guilt?
No, it'sjust that...
all I've done all these years
is belittle her
- Then my daughters told me...
- That she still loved you
So it seems
The truth is that
she was an amazing person
and you are a jerk
You were like chalk and cheese
You and your idioms!
Michela... did she go out?
If she went out on dates?
Yes
But she still preferred you
Oddly enough
Michela would have always loved you
And you?
Have you ever loved anyone else?
Like those girls you string along
and pretend you care about?
What do your psychology books
say about that?
Luca's making a big mistake
I know
Girls, can I ask you something?
What did your mom used to tell you
about me?
About the time you took her to London
and you had your photo taken
with two old grannies
I'd forgotten about that
And about that time...
when you went trekking
and you got lost in the mountains
I remember that
That was the best night of my life
It was freezing
We have always thought
we conceived you that night
I know, she told me
Despite everything, mom loved you
She still kept buying you
Christmas presents after the divorce
But she never gave them to me!
We always hoped you'd come home
Antonio!
Hi
Have you seen Lorenzo...
I mean... Don Lorenzo?
Sorry
He's in his office
Lorenzo?
Hi
- The wedding's not until tomorrow!
- I know
It'sjust that I don't feel so right
I'm not sure I want to get married
- You must be kidding!
- No
Listen, when you saw me,
how did you feel?
Happy, because the Lord
brought us back together
In a different role
We must thank the Lord
for this encounter
- What are you saying?
- Why?
Didn't you have butterflies
in your stomach?
Didn't you feel faint?
Didn't you think back to
when we used to make love?
Elisa, we're in a church, please
- Lorenzo!
Don't touch me!
I may...
still be in love with you
- You see? You said "maybe"
- And you?
Me? l...
First: you shouldn't be asking me
Second...
Corrado?
Hide!
My dear Corrado!
- How are you?
- Not bad
Can I have a word?
I need to confess myself
Now?
- In here, right?
Yes
- Did you have to hide in here?
- Sorry
Damn!
I have an idea
This won't be a proper confession
just a friendly chat
Yes, okay
Don Lorenzo
I have sinned
I know, I know
- How?
- Well...
You must have if you're here
And we all have sinned...
My friends organized my stag night
in a sexy night club
And what happened?
Nothing, women
were dancing naked
and I got carried away
looking at them...
- And then?
- And then...
- And then nothing
- Are you sure?
Yes
- Really sure?
- Why this third degree?
- Just asking
Well, admiring scantily clad girls
isn't such a sin
I know, but it didn't end there
Last night I got home late
and Elisa was asleep
I happened to come across
an old diary of hers
I couldn't resist
so I started reading it
She gave ratings to all the guys
she dated
I was rather ticked off
She mentions a guy
called Lorenzo, just like you
She gave him an A+
Wow, he must have been
really special!
What mark did she give you?
C minus
Well, that's a pass
She didn't fall you
so it's not that bad
But I really regret doing that
because we tell each other everything
I shouldn't have read it
Just don't do it again
Go home now
see you at the wedding tomorrow
Thank you, Don Lorenzo!
A+
That was a long time ago
Wait
Well, has he gone?
- The coast is clear
- Come out now
Shame on you!
Mrs Concetta...
Go home now
Ready?
- There.
Thanks
- Did you make up with your husband?
- Are you kidding?
- If it were up to me, he'd...
- Don't move!
Give me the money!
It's the long hours
- I know.
Thatjob rules your life
Unit 12 , over. There's a robbery
at a supermarket in...
Let's go
- I repeat, in Via Da Vinci.
Put it on our tab
Boss
Yes?
- I need a week off work
- Okay, we can arrange that
- From tomorrow
- Are you kidding?
- Is that a no?
Of course. Get back to work!
I have to visit my girlfriend
I don't care about your love life
but about our tourists!
I'm your boss, not your shrink!
You know what?
I'm going on holiday anyway!
Have a good day!
You're fired, Marc! Got that?
Okay
Where are you going?
To Middle Earth! To surprise Giulia
Way to go! Can I use your flat?
So I can have my way with Veronique
Mine's a full house
- Have fun.
Thanks!
Can you hear me?
Madam?
Davide, don't move
The ambulance is on its way
You'll be okay
Don't move. Don't worry
They're here
Don't move. You'll be okay
- Mom's in hospital!
- Why?
There was a shooting
at the supermarket!
Is she okay?
Don't know, I'm off
to the hospital right now
Okay, I'm on my way
Here we are. Red alert
A gunshot wound
20 mg of morphine
One, two, three
Try to stay calm
Here's the surgeon
Here I am
At last
No! Why?
Just look who it is
- What happened?
- He was shot in the stomach
The bullet's inside,
he's losing blood
- Great.
- What?
- I mean... wait
- Not him!
Davide, calm down
- You'll be okay.
You know him?
- You want me to do it?
- Yes!
No! I'll do it
Knock him out
Bye
- Excuse me.
Where are you going?
- Where is room 15?
- It's there, but you can't go in
- What happened to her?
- Talk to the doctor
- Please tell me
- I can't, sorry
Please!
She has head injuries
and has lost a lot of blood
- She's sedated now
- Oh, God
She'll need a CT scan to see
if there's been any brain damage
I'm very sorry
Please wait outside now
- Antonella, quick. Cardiac arrest
- I'm coming
Loredana, what are you doing?
You can't do this, not now
We still have so much to do,
together
So many stuff to smash at home
You have to chop up
those horrible paintings
I can't do this
If it hadn't been for you,
he wouldn't have made it
While I was rushing to
get here earlier...
I realized that I cannot live...
without you
I have always loved you
Always, every day of my life
What are you saying?
Well? Who are you?
- Hold on, who are you?
- Me?
- I'm her husband
- Look, you're wrong...
- You're right
- You said you loved her...
and couldn't live without her
- Are you her lover?
- No...
How could you do this to me?
You whore!
I have always loved and respected you
And you chose someone...
this ugly!
You're no Brad Pitt either
I do apologize
I'll be on my way...
maybe you two need to talk
Good luck
Goodbye
- You whore! My mom was right.
What's going on?
- Is this the fourth floor?
- No, it's the third. Why?
There's a man in there having
a crisis...
- Loredana!
Andrea, look who's here
- Where were you, dad?
- How are you, honey?
I have a broken arm and wrist
- Thank goodness
- What?
You see? He wants me dead
I mean... it could've been worse
A cop got shot right next to me
I'm still in shock
and you didn't even bother to call
You won't believe it
but I thought I was holding your hand
- I was in the wrong room
- Goodbye, Luca
Let's go
Guilia
Hey, you are looking
for the Italian girl?
Yes, Guilia, do you know her?
Of course, she left this morning
left for where?
Don't know
she's with her boyfriend, I think
Boyfriend?
You mean the tall guy, really built
John?
Yes
John, good looking guy
And she's taking his car
They are really cute together
That's love
Love
Are you friend?
No
I am a idiot
Elisa...
look at the priest
He looks like your ex
What was his name?
The Lazio team fan
No...
that's not him
Did you see the priest?
Doesn't he look like Elisa's ex?
No!
- Good morning, ma'am
- Why are you here?
I'm your new help
I thought that with your broken arm
you couldn't cook
so I did some shopping
and prepared something
I didn't ask you to
I know, you're too proud
But you wanted to, I know
You know, Loredana...
"Yes, this is for the best
Separate lives, at last!
She is suffocating, she always
wants to have the last word..."
Because that's the truth
But I realized
that despite everything
I can't live without you
Not even for one minute
Sorry, I was wrong
I love you
Can you record that in the draft,
Your Honour?
- Will you forgive me?
- No
But I'll hire you
as domestic help
- But you're on trial
- Okay, thank you
You can start
with the sitting room windows
- Of course, ma'am.
And no streaks!
Right away
In God's presence
and of the people here
join hands and declare
your consent
May the Lord
in the name of your love,
be with you
Always
I, Corrado, take you, Elisa
as my lawfully wedded wife
In the name of Our Lord
I promise to be faithful to you
in joy and in sorrow
in sickness and in health
and to love and to cherish you
till death us do part
Not so loud
Elisa... it's your turn
I, Elisa, take you, Lorenzo...
Corrado
My name's Corrado, honey
Oh, God! Sorry
- She's nervous
- My goodness, sorry
..take you, Corrado
as my lawfully wedded husband
And in the name of Our Lord
I promise to be faithful to you...
in joy and in sorrow...
in sickness and in health...
to love you...
And to cherish... go on, Elisa
Go on
Go on!
You didn't answer me yesterday
Please, just get married
We'll talk later
Yes, but it'll be too late
I don't have this bit on paper
Well?
You see...
I have always thought of myself
as being...
a cool priest
Cool isn't the right word
A good priest, a kind one...
I love my robe, I love myjob
which isn't really a job...
It's my life
It's my calling
And if I were to choose
between thisjob...
and you...
I'd choose you, my love
- Is this a joke?
- No, Corrado
I'm so sorry
but I'm still in love with Elisa
What do you mean "still"?
Don Lorenzo!
Hold on, Lorenzo...
- Lorenzo A+ from her diary?
- To be honest...
You're her ex?
- I told you it was him
Good morning
How are you?
I see you're awake
Yes. It hurts a bit...
The wound's still sore
That's normal, it's the stitches
You were lucky, the bullet
missed all vital organs
You won't be doing any sports
for the next two months
no sex, no hanky-panky...
none of that stuff
- Enjoy your stay.
Thanks
- Doctor
- Yes?
Paolo
Thanks
- Ijust did myjob as a doctor
- But I was a bastard.
I know
I had to study
to become a doctor
but you were born a bastard
I wanted to tell you
that once I'm better...
I'll stay out of your life
Thanks, but there's no need
Monique left me
- For someone else?
- I think so
May I sit?
It was all so sudden
I know she's volatile, but...
She did the same to me
- Did she?
Of course. She has someone new
I see
Do you have a plan?
HONG KONG AIRPORSorry
Sorry
Excuse me , Excuse me...
- I was in Wellington.
I was in Paris!
"l looked out of the window
It was a misty morning
The sun was rising
The day was beginning
Some people were already working
some werejust waking up
Half way between their bright dreams
and the rays of morning light
I closed my eyes...
and a river flowed through them."
I hope nothing changes
between us
I'd still like us to be friends
I'm going
Sorry
- May I?
Yes
I think Corrado was more upset
about his plasma TV than about me
You know something?
It's been 9 years, 2 weeks
and 4 days
since I last kissed a woman
- Was it me?
- Yes
What if I don't like it anymore?
You'd better like it
I've been through hell!
And I haven't?
- Don Lorenzo, well?
- What is it?
This is going too far!
Mrs Concetta
when two people love each other...
it never is a sin
Can you beat that?
- How was it?
- Lovely
I remember it being nicer
Cinderella, cut it out!
I was top of your list
You got the presents mixed up...
you almost set the house on fire.
You lost your hat and
they recognized you... brilliant!
Nothing for me?
These are our favourite songs.
I made this for you.
I LOVE YOU
You really are Father Christmas!
Stop! Caught you at last.
Please, if you let me go...
I'll be really nice to you.
You're trying to corrupt me.
Obscene acts in public
This is my house, honey.
Come on! Keep the act up!
Or it won't work.
Okay, I surrender!
Trying to trick me?
You're trapped!
I read that a couple in Tel Aviv
kissed for hours non stop.
That's a world record.
Great lungs!
Are they unbeatable to you?
No!
Darling, look. A shooting star!
Make a wish.
Okay
That was quick.
Can I make it come true?
That depends
Do you have George Clooney's number?
Smartass
Come on!
Casanova used to kiss his lovers
by the Eiffel Tower
The Eiffel Tower wasn't there
in 1700!
I know, but if it had been,
he would have
Did his tactics work?
Well, he was a professional...
kisser
MANY KISSES LATER
Love is a dangerous disease
which unlike measles
and chickenpox
can be contracted more than once
"l will always love you."
"You're the love of my life"
But above all:
"We'll be together forever"
are things we say
when we're in love
Has anyone spoken these words?
Okay
Maybe you're not aware that dopamine,
a neurotransmitter
builds up when we're in love
Dopamine is a sort of natural drug
that makes us see hearts everywhere
But these levels tend to decrease
after a couple of years
It's scientifically proven:
romance and passion ends
1000 days after the first kiss
Professor,
may I ask you a question?
On this subject...
I'm all ears
Are you married?
Me? No, I've been happily divorced
for eight years
Just accept it
Sooner or later, you're destined
to become someone's ex
EX
That's nice
I like it, darling.
It's very pretty
It's not too big
It's nice.
What did I tell you?
My folks were married in this church
When my mom sees this,
she'll be in tears
When will this come down?
Let's ask Don Lorenzo
You'll like him. He's cool,
he's not your typical priest
He looks...
Sorry
I was arguing with my girlfriend.
I mean...
my motorbike
Here we are, Don Lorenzo
Hi, Corrado
This is Elisa, my fiancee
Hello
Hi, Elisa
Lorenzo.
No, Don Lorenzo
Don...
Will this work be completed
in time for our wedding?
I'll ask
Caravaggio, will you be finished
by St Valentine's Day?
If you pay me, sure thing!
There
In terms of maintenance,
Mr. Martani...
you accept to pay
, 3500 euros each month
And to renounce custody
over the children
That's right,
Ijust want this over with
While you, Mrs Zecchi
agree to that sum
and you don't want custody
of your children either
Neither of you want custody?
Have you discussed this?
I wouldn't mind having custody
but I own a fashion house in Milan
I'd have to fly back and forth.
He lives in Rome, so...
That's no excuse.
She doesn't own a fashion house!
It'sjust a walkin wardrobe!
I work from eight in the morning
till two at night most days
I own a number of clubs,
ask my lawyer...
Great dad he is.
He sees his kids when they're asleep
He doesn't know how
to show affection!
You gave them 200 euros
for Christmas!
You get that, Your Honour?
200 euros!
They're 8 and 10. They asked for
Gormiti, and Winx...
She paid them off
like she pays the maid
So where will we place
these children?
Can't they live with you?
Do you have room?
Actually, my house is tiny
And I already have a dog
Brunori, I wasjustjoking.
I didn't mean it
Your Honour, the children and l,
the problem is...
that we don't get along,
we're unable to communicate
Can I be honest?
The children in question
aren't very nice
Right, they're horrid.
You see?
Of course, look at their dad.
They're your kids too!
You raised them, you keep them!
No, you keep them.
No, you will!
You have them!
You cow!
That's enough!
What a model family!
I've never seen a case like this
Oh, all right,
let's fix another hearing...
for the 12th
Come with your children
Do we have to?
Yes.
Mr. Martani...
children are a serious matter
A family needs to be respected
Marriage shouldn't make people
turn nasty
it should turn them
into better people
Because you're a bitch!
25 years of marriage down the drain!
That's great, let off some steam
All you can do is work
and complain
Thank goodness I work,
otherwise who'd pay
for your holidays to the Seychelles
and your skiing trips?
Idiot! I didn't work
because you didn't want me to
You didn't want a wife,
you wanted a maid
A slave!
Calm down, Luca, easy
The squid tasted fine.
This isn't about the squid!
It's a matter of principle:
I can never express an opinion
Because this hysterical cow
always has to bust my balls!
You treat me like a waitress!
Why didn't you take them out
for dinner
instead of having me cook all day?
Would that have cost you too much?
Don't call me a cheapskate
in front of my friends!
If I had killed her the first time
the idea came into my mind
I'd be out ofjail by now!
If I killed you,
I wouldn't even need to go tojail
They would judge me insane
just for marrying you!
Goodnight to you all
Where is he going?
He's pretending to leave again.
He's a real clown
This time, I swear to God,
I'm never coming back!
Once again, goodnight
Goodnight
Sorry
After our kids left home,
he lost it
I'll get the cake. I made it!
I think your friend
needs to see a shrink
He had one: me
Kudos to you!
He's bipolar
with manic depressive tendencies
Even Freud would have given up
Listen... why don't we have
dessert at my place?
But it's only our first date
I know. But this wasn't planned
I mean, if the cake
is like the squid...
Let's go!
In honour of the woman he loves
your personal chef has prepared
his first Italian cuisine experiment:
pasta carbonara!
It's yellow!
It's the original recipe
Spaghetti, eggs, bacon,
oil, pepper and pecorino cheese
Did your dietician recommend it?
Darling...
it looks more like an omelette
It's the French version:
"Omelette carbonara"
Don't complain, Giulia
You'll miss his omelettes
She'll miss them?
Didn't you tell him?
Not yet
What?
I have some bad news...
Your folks are coming?
It's not that bad!
I've been promoted. I got
a letter from the Ministry today
That's fantastic!
Why did you say it was bad news?
The post is in Wellington,
New Zealand
The land of
"The Lord of the Rings"?
Yes
Middle Earth!
Do you have your cab money?
Yes, right here
What time will you be back?
After we've pulled a couple of drunks
Soon then.
You think so?
You haven't seen
my seethrough thong yet
And I'd rather not.
Bye!
Be back at 2: 00!
3: 00!
2: 30
I'll wait up. At 2: 31
I'll start reading your emails
I've changed my password.
Bye, mom!
Here I am, honey bun!
Hi, honey bee
What's this music called?
Tribal brutal suicide
Suicide music... that makes sense
I could always go back
to being a porn star in Paris
You'rejoking, right?
Right
Hi, Andrea.
Dad, why are you here?
I wanted to see you
We haven't had a chat for so long!
What?
I left your mom, she's nervewracking
That's more like it.
What are you up to?
Nothing, just chatting.
Well, don't mind me
I bought this place,
so I can use it...
I'll go next door, I'll be quiet.
Dad, wait!
Where are the sheets?
Well?
Sorry
Is that your girlfriend?
No, that's Martina, my friend.
She's staying for a few days
Good evening.
Noemi, this is my dad
Hello
Before I forget,
here's December's rent money
I'm sorry it's overdue
Goodnight.
Goodnight
Let me get this straight...
Dad, l...
You sublet my flat?
To pay for the bills
But me and that parasite of your mom
and I pay for everything!
Want me to speak to her?
No, I made my decision
If I'm going to live for another
20, 30, or 40 years
I'm not spending them with her
Do you intend to spend them here?
I'm sick of that cow
Please, she's my mom.
That's your problem!
Paolo Desideri?
Yes.
Good evening
Do you know Monique?
Monique, my girlfriend?
No!
She was my girlfriend
until you came along
Right. So, technically speaking...
you would be her...
.. ex?
Ex my ass
Stay out of her life, got that?
Yes
Maybe we should let her decide,
don't you think?
I don't think you understand.
No...
Monique must not know
we have met
If I see you with her again,
you'll need a new ID picture
A new ID picture...
I see
Go
This is my car, these are my keys...
Go
Police! I've been attacked
by a madman, a criminal
Calm down, where was this?
Back there, just now
My girlfriend's exboyfriend
hit me
I want to press charges.
We'd better go to the station
Davide, we need to report an attack
Really? Good evening.
Hello. Right...
What happened?
What happened?
I'm asking you: what happened?
Well?
I don't know!
He said he was attacked
by his girlfriend's ex
That's dangerous stuff.
Most murders in Italy
are committed by family members,
caused by extramarital affairs
Well,
this isn't an extramarital affair...
Usually they go unpunished.
Really?
How do you catch a guy who kills
a man in a dark alley
severs his head
and then dumps the body?
Do you know the man
that attacked you?
No
You said he was your girlfriend's ex
Did he?
You misunderstood me
You interrupted me midsentence!
I was saying...
He was an exurbanite.
That's what I meant
Was he white?
No!
He was a coloured man
A strange colour, like burnt sienna
or antique ochre
And he didn't attack me,
hejust bumped into me
And I got scared
Take note...
He's wasting our time
Unit , over.
See what they want
There's been an accident.
Roger. Let's go!
Good evening
- This looks bad!
- Must've fallen asleep at the wheel
Hello, have you identified her?
Not yet
99% cocoa
An ancient Aztec recipe
Extra dark
My favourite
Tonight...
I feel like Van Gogh
Now I'll prepare the canvas
That'll be my ex-wife
I've got a special ring tone for her,
a really annoying one
Sorry, I'll turn it off.
Why would she call this late?
What is it?
Yes, speaking. Who is it?
Where?
I'm on my way
What happened?
Nothing happened
Nothing? You're still in shock
after seeing Elisa
No, I was happy to see her
But I'm a priest now
Because of her
That's not true!
Antonio, I got a calling
Maybe it was a wrong number
I have consecrated my life to God
I don't think about Elisa
the way you think I think about her
- I don't think anything
- Yes, you do. I know you do
I don't feel desire
towards Elisa anymore
No urges.
No!
But when she left,
you washed yourself with holy water
I did?
Yes
Yes, I told you!
The priest is Lorenzo
Lorenzo? Your ex?
He can't marry us, it would be like
in "The Thornbirds"
You split up ages ago
- You left him
- So? I feel awkward
- Have you told Corrado?
- No
Should I?
Sorry, I don't understand
why you don't like Don Lorenzo
It's not him, it's the church...
But it's perfect, it's the right size
If any extra guests arrive,
like my cousins from Sicily
there'll be room for them too
Remember that church in Trastevere?
- With the priest that was...
- From Puglia?
The one who spoke
with that funny Southern accent
Listen, it's our wedding
not a variety show
Don't fight before your wedding day
We might die before then!
Did you put dynamite
in this sauce?
- It's Malaysian black pepper
- Right. I thought it was hot
How about some dessert?
I'm off to work soon
- Are you coming, honey bun?
- I'm afraid I can't
I don't have my car so...
You said you were late because
you couldn't find a parking space
Did I?
That's right, I drove home
and then I came on foot
- Don't you live across town?
- On foot... it's slang for "by taxi"
Today Jacques is taking the Germans
on the bateau-mouche
Sophie's taking the Italians
to the Louvre
Make sure they don't steal anything
And Marc, you're doing
the Pre-Lachaise cemetery tour
See you back here tonight
The cemetery...
how exciting!
What has Giulia decided?
It's a good opportunity for her
She's saying goodbye to her folks
on Friday and then...
she's off to Middle Earth
- So have you two split up?
- No, why?
Well, Paris...
Wellington
A hour flight
A hour time difference
You'll leave on a Friday,
get there on Sunday
No sex, you'll be toojet-lagged
Then you fly back and beat
the world record forjet lag
Great!
Not to mention the horny Maoris!
Quite
Kato...
Kato, come here!
Kato
Here, kitty!
Good kitty
- Hello?
- How was dinner, honey bee?
Was it hot?
Yes, it was...
That's Malaysian pepper for you
Elisa loves it
I told you to stay away from Monique
But nothing happened
it wasjust dinner with friends...
I don't care. Stay out of her life
- Is that clear?
- Yes, it is
Don't burn the milk, you idiot
Thanks
Michela was the prettiest girl
at the university
When I first met her,
she was kissing my boyfriend...
whom she ended up marrying
a few years later
I took an instant dislike to her
But that only lasted a week
Because...
you couldn't help but love Michela
Through all these years
she's always been my best friend
That's life
Men come and go...
but your friends never dump you
That is why I feel so angry today
Because it's not fair
Not fair
We had planned to go to Ireland
together this summer
No husbands, no kids
It's something we always
had wanted to do
Maybe this time we were going to go
I'm sorry
- Have you finished?
- Almost finished
We have masses of stuff to carry
We'll make two trips
you said " just a few bits"
Dad, why won't you stay here with us?
Darling, we have talked about this
I'm closer to work
And my house is bigger
We'll be fine, you'll see
I know it's a difficult question,
but if one day your parents
were to live in different houses
who would you choose to live with?
Neither of them
- Why's that?
- They're both bad
- Have you seen how vulgar they are?
- Please, let them speak
Don't you like doing things
with one or the other?
We never do anything with them
Don't say that
I bought you that TV tennis game
We spent all day playing with that
You played it with your friends
And you did this to me
I was doing a back-hand shot
It was for the set, I couldn't lose
I took them for a nice long walk
just yesterday
- Where did you go?
- To the beauty salon for three hours
Just for the basics, a facial peel,
some waxing, a massage...
then we had a lovely ice-cream!
- Big deal...
- So what would you like to do
with your parents?
Visit the Planetarium
- Go to see La Boheme
- La Boheme?
You see?
I told you they were weird
They prefer La Boheme to Spiderman
Good, La Boheme is a masterpiece
Right, Brunori? Do you know it?
I always get home late
What channel is it on?
Anyway, great choice
It's one of my favourite operas
Tell these two that Mima is one
of the best characters ever invented
La Boheme is also an indicator
of women's social status in 1800
You see what I mean? They can't
be my kids, they're Nanni Moretti's
Children, I'll ask you again
Who would you rather live with?
Your Honour, we want to divorce them
- Is that possible?
- No
But I sympathize with you
Valentina, the gym can become
your bedroom
You can have my study,
I never use it anyway
Is it always such a mess?
A maid comes twice a week,
more if we need
- We do
- I'll prepare my specialty dish
Breaded veal cutlets and
mashed potatoes
I'm allergic to milk
- Since when?
- Since always
- I'll make pasta carbonara
- I'm a vegetarian
- I'll just use cheese and pepper
- It's got milk in it
- Can I ask you a favour?
- Go ahead
Stop fussing
It doesn't suit you
- Is she always like that?
- Only when she's upset
That was great, Giulia.
Thank you
You come to the party tonight?
Sure
Sorry, the telephone...
Darling! Aren't you sleeping?
Oh, it's raining in Paris...
If it windy here?
It sounds like it...
It's the air conditioning
it's so hot in New Zealand
Listen, I've got a meeting
with the ambassador...
I'll call you later, okay?
Bye
It was call from the Mom?
Yes
Yeah
Why is it so complicated?
Next time we'll get an easier one,
with pieces
- Let's sleep, I have to be up early
- Wait
I need my fill of you
Who knows when I'll see you again
Whenever you like
Look, there are web cams,
instant messaging...
"She's so clingy! "
Some things you just can't do
over the internet
Care for a dance?
I'd be glad
"Let's get married"
"Let's stay together"
Remember that every divorce
begins with a wedding
So many couples complain
afterjust one year of marriage
"Don Lorenzo, I've had enough! "
"She won't let me watch the game"
"He won't let me watch the soaps"
Is marriage about soap operas?
And then there's sex...
That damned sexual attraction
that fades away after a bit...
That's when people start having doubts
Husbands stay up
watching porn on the internet
Then they make up soccer games
to see their lovers
And do you think their wives
will sit at home waiting for them?
Absolutely not!
They'll say they're meeting a friend
but in fact they're seeing
a guy who's been telling his wife
that he's playing soccer
Even their wives have lovers!
Has any of you ever cheated?
No-one?
Are you sure?
- Marco?
- I wasjust a kid, at the seaside
It doesn't matter where!
You still cheated!
And you're not the only one
But if you're sure you're in love...
- Are you sure?
- Yes, I am
- And you, Elisa?
- Yes!
Let her speak, I asked her
We've been living together for 2 years
and nothing has happened yet
Never say never
- Let's hope not!
- Have you ever declared eternal love
then retracted?
Abandoning a poor soul in the street
while they imagined
being with you forever
With two children, a beach house,
a nice garden. And a dog!
But no!
Out of the blue, with no warning
you just left...
Who has done something like that?
Me. I have
You have, Elisa
And why?
Because we were different
We kept arguing
And he was so immature
And did you ever tell him that?
No!
Yes, I did. But he took no notice
- Aha. He took no notice.
No
Did you worry you would hurt him?
Maybe he was...
really miserable
I was really miserable too
Let's talk about children
An incredible gift from God
Ever changed a dirty diaper?
What on earth did you do?
In the name of good taste!
That was a hideous gift
from your mother!
And you think you've got good taste?
Mr Blue Socks-Brown Tie
That wasjust a one-off!
You'll pay for this
You can't be that crazy!
It has sentimental value
My mother gave it to us
- It'sjoint property
- We'll divide it then
You're crazy!
You need a shrink
- You need shock therapy!
- Dad, mom!
- Honey
- Sweetie pie, you're back early
I'm glad you came to see us
before leaving...
because your father and l...
wanted to tell you
how proud we are of you. Right?
"Our little girl!
She's so grown up
She's been to Paris
and she brought us this...
and now she's off to New Zealand! "
if there's a New Zealand
is there an old Zealand too?
Andrea told me everything
What's going on?
Your father and I are considering
spending some time apart
No, you're considering it
I have already made my decision
Is this my goodbye present?
But why can't we meet at my place?
We always do
"Marriage kills passion"
- I'll come over then
- No! That's boring
Let's do something more exciting
let's meet...
outside Rome, on the Via Tiberina
Wait for me by the fifth kilometer
- On the Via Tiberina?
You're nuts!
- Come on, it'll be fun!
Pretend you're a hooker
and I'm your client
Good idea, I like that!
How much, babe?
- 700 euros
- You want me to pay your taxes too?
- Where are you?
- There's traffic
- It's raining...
- Really?
- I'll just be two minutes
- Hurry up, or I'll drop my prices
- It feels like it's been ages!
- It's not been that long
Go easy! And no love bites please
You're driving me wild!
- What are you waiting for?
- I'm as wild as a beast!
Yes! Yes!
- What's that?
- The police
Hell! They're everywhere!
Hide
- Lie down
- Okay, relax
We'll tell them that we're lovers
and that I'm not a hooker
- You don't get it, he'll kill me
- Oh, stop!
Lock the doors
Oh, God!
- Come on, open up!
- Better not
- Paolo, open up
- Carabinieri, open up
- Paolo!
Carabinieri!
Hurrah for the Carabinieri!
Thanks
Hi.
Hi
Giulia, right?
Mrs. Gipsome
Welcome to Newzeland
Let me show you the house
Honey, are you on your way?
- Where?
- What? You invited me to lunch
Sorry, I'm at work
Can't talk right now
The boss had an accident
I'll call you later
Sorry, that was a girl I'm seeing
She's a bit clingy
- How many girls are you seeing?
- About five or six
Plus a few students, obviously
Where were we?
Michela...
She died to spite me
- I don't think she did it on purpose
- Of course not
But now that the kids are with me
no more sex, drugs and rock'n'roll...
- My life is over
- Mine'sjust started
I have started divorce proceedings
I'm speeding things up
The process server is
a friend of mine
Make the most of it, life gets better
after the divorce
Can we have the bill, please?
Right away
And could... Aunt Renata
and Aunt Lella...
sit next to your friends?
No, they'll bore them to tears!
- Well, where can these old bags sit?
- With your folks
- They're related
- They hate each other
Really?
How about with your folks?
- Are you kidding?
- They might get on...
Can I be the one to decide who'll
sit next to my folks on that day?
You've turned our wedding
into a table soccer match!
Don't worry. We'll discuss that later
Here you are
43 euros exactly
Sorry, we're planning the seating
arrangements for our wedding
Good luck
Dad?
- What are you doing?
- I haven't danced for 25 years!
And you're planning to start now?
Come on, everybody!
Giulia, dad is dancing
to "Sex Bomb" with my friends!
- Help me stop him or I'll kill him
- How?
Get them to kiss and make up!
I already have tried
- I can't even mention his name
- What shall I do?
Giulia
I'll call you back
I'll be sleeping...
Sorry, that's my little brother
You are saying?
The meeting will be held in two minutes
Okay, I am on my way
By the way...
Because you are new here
If you need anything, at anytime
Don't hesitate to call me
Right, thank you!
Again?
It's my boyfriend
I'm off
No, wait. I want to introduce you
Hi, darling!
Hello
Hey, you're not alone!
The one in the middle is my boyfriend
This is my colleague, John
Hi, everyone
Hi John
Darling, I have a meeting
I'll call you later. Kisses
Kisses
You see?
- He's flirting with your ex
- She's not my ex!
And considering
the requests from both parties
I feel the best solution
isjoint custody
What you are now reading is the weekly
schedule you'll have to follow
- A schedule?
- Is this a joke?
This is impossible
I can't do this
I can't take my daughter
to drama classes twice a week!
Please have mercy, I hate plays
I always fall asleep!
I can't go to exhibitions, zoos
and planetariums each week
- What's a planetarium?
- I can't have them every Sunday
Next week I have a congress
about artificial nails
- You'll have to miss it
- Attorney, this is an abuse of power
No, it is not
This isjust some advice
- It's blackmail
- Whatever...
If you don't stick to this schedule
Alice and Leonardo will call me
and I'll retaliate
Meaning?
Perhaps the tax man would like
to visit your fashion house
When these people start looking,
they always manage to find something
And wouldn't it be dreadful
if your SUV got towed away each morning
- You drive a SUV, right?
- It's more like a mobile home
- You look like a SUV driver
- Thanks
And what if the Carabinieri...
- We understand
- Great
- Hi, darling
- You're back early
Of course
They drove me mad
so I failed all of them
A woman called Roberta called
She told me you never call her
Okay. Did you make some tea?
I tried, but I don't think this is tea
- This tea?
- Dad, do you smokejoints?
- Me?
- You're fifty
No... actually I'm 49
This must belong to
the Filipino maid. I knew it!
- Where's Valentina?
- Upstairs with Giampi
- Who's he?
- A classmate
Is he staying for dinner?
I don't know
Let's ask him
Vale, sorry...
- Valentina!
- Dad!
- Shouldn't you be knocking first?
- Good evening
- What are you doing?
- Guess!
- Here?
- Or I could borrow your car
Some privacy please!
Privacy?
- Mom allowed me some privacy
- Your mom did...
Giampi, will you be
staying for dinner...
.. after?
No, I always get sleepy afterwards
Great
Please excuse me
Streams of words
divide us
One day
They'll sweep us away
I'll give you my heart
if you want me to
Now speak to it, if you can
- Brilliant
- I don't believe it!
We drove 250 kilometers
to reach Pescara
and see Jalisse in concert?
Tell me you'rejoking!
Jalisse are a part of
Italian music history
- Jalisse?
- Yes. Just listen to them!
Look at the crowd's reaction...
I hope no-one recognizes me
Or my career as a DJ will be over!
Streams of words...
Paolo, tell me the truth
What's wrong?
We never stay in Rome
we live like nomads!
It'sjust that Rome, in terms
of culture and music...
and even in terms of gastronomy...
is dead!
You can't compare it to Pescara...
Paolo!
Yes...
I know...
there's one problem
The problem is...
they don't make Caipirinha
with Cachala here
I'm surprised
Let's have some rum then...
Monique
David
- What a shocker!
- How come you are here?
- I'm a big fan of Jalisse
- You too?
- Yes
- I'm outnumbered
- Who is he?
- I'm sorry, this is Paolo
This is Davide, my ex
But don't worry,
we'rejust great friends now
- Are you alone?
Yes
- Join us
- I don't want to impose
- Maybe he wants to take a walk...
- If you really insist, okay
Here we are
Brilliant!
You see? I don't know what to do
How did you deal with your kids?
Don't know!
Just follow your instincts!
Give them freedom
- More freedom than this?
- I have enough problems
- And you're the shrink!
- Yes, in theory
Their mom was a natural. I'm not
- Dad?
- Hold on. Yes?
- Got a condom?
- What?
A condom
- This has gone too far!
- Yes or no?
- You can't ask me...
- Forget it, we'll do without
No, wait!
I might have one
In your wallet?
For emergencies
They're delay condoms
Even better!
Thanks!
See what I mean?
- What's so funny?
- Delay condoms?
You idiot!
Holy cow!
Kato!
You want to become a stray?
Where are you?
Kato, where are you?
Come here. You gave me a fright
Let's go and sit on the sofa
- What are you doing here?
- I can't sleep
- Fancy some herbal tea?
- No, thanks
Come here
Come on!
The thought of someone like you
making love to Monique
disgusts me
That won't happen
It used to, but it was a mistake
and I didn't enjoy it
Since I met you,
I have not laid one finger on her
I love her
- I would do anything for her
- That's really nice of you
Really
I knew you were a sensitive guy,
almost an introvert
- Yes. Get your phone
- Okay
Here
Call her and dump her
Me? I've never left a woman before
I really don't know how to
Just improvise
The person you are calling
is currently unavailable
Her phone's off. She's sleeping
What now?
I'll send her a text message...
You have 24 hours
Let's play a game
What can you see?
Honey, I'm still at the office
Please, I can't
There's a prize if you guess
Your tummy?
- Wrong
- Your foot?
Oh, I can see some cellulite
Your butt?
No way!
My inner thigh. And now?
Let's do this later...
- Give me a clue
- A hot zone!
- How hot?
- Very hot!
That's a...
A nipple!
- Hello, Mr Giresse
you're not paid tojerk off on the net!
No, it'sjust that I miss my girlfriend
Sorry
But you were young once too, right?
Never during working hours!
Slow down! Or the organ player
will need to switch to rock!
You need to walk slower
- Let's try this again
- Okay
It's like a stroll
You have to look left
and right and smile
- They'll all be herejust for you
- Okay, zoom in!
- Come on!
- You're like the queen
I take her from here, right?
- Yes
- Excuse me
Hello?
Hi, auntie. Go ahead
That's Aunt Nazarena, the rich one!
You can come?
Great!
Listen, the wedding list...
Are you having a hen party?
I think Monique has already
planned something
I see. Don Lorenzo
Monique's a saucy minx!
- Hey!
- This is a church!
Sorry, but Corrado told me that
you were open-minded
- I am, but I'm still a priest
- I apologize
Have you planned a raunchy stag night?
No way!
We'll just battle it out
on the football pitch
Shall we rehearse the vows now?
- Corrado?
- Please, not a fridge!
- Corrado!
- I'm trying to get a plasma TV!
- Hello?
- Practice with him for now
Is that allowed?
Yes... all right
Okay. Ready?
Action!
I, Elisa, take you...
Corrado...
as my husband
In the name of Our Lord,
I promise to be faithful to you
in good times and in bad
in sickness and in health
to love and to honour you...
till death us do part
Don Lorenzo?
- Don Lorenzo!
Yes?
- Could you...
- Yes, okay
I, Corrado, take you...
I have three deals for plasma TVs!
- Did I miss out on something?
- No, it's your turn
Perfect
You see, sometimes...
the obstacles you are presented with
seem difficult to overcome
and so a marriage
may appear to be rocky
Luisa, please!
Don't lecture me!
Let's get this over with!
I have a hearing in 45 minutes!
All right. Is there anything
you wish to state?
- No.
- Yes
My client accuses her husband
of mental cruelty
We'd like
a psychological evaluation
Mental cruelty?
You think I'm barmy?
You're committing a mistake!
You won't get a cent!
- I don't care if you starve!
- Silence!
Your wife has the right to...
Are you siding with her?
Female solidarity, that's what
the three of you are up to!
You're saying
I'm not being impartial?
You have hated men ever since
your husband dumped you!
Everyone knows that,
but you can't take it out on me
I won't allow it!
I want a differentjudge!
Stop this,
or I'll have you removed!
- Go ahead, attorney
- Thanks
My client also requests
a medical examination
to confirm that her husband
suffers from erectile dysfunction
Impotence!
Oh, no! This is too much!
What are trying to prove?
That you can't get that thing up!
What on earth are you saying?
Brunori, stop taking notes
I'm not impotent at all!
And you know that!
- What the hell did you say?
- No, we're friends...
Friends my ass!
You're crazy! You're crazy!
You'll be doing 20 years
for attempted murder!
Go for , I will succeed in the end!
You think that I will start apologizing
and agree to all of your requests?
Like hell I will!
Let me go, please!
This is bad enough
It's him
Your Honour, hello! Are you okay?
- Yes.
- We were looking for you!
Oh, hello
I really can't help you today
- But we wanted to thank you!
- For what?
For making us spend more time with
our kids, it was helpful
La Boheme isn't half as bad,
a bit of a drag though
The tenor woke us up
But we have even better news!
- You know what it is?
- No
We still love each other
we don't want a divorce after all!
Isn't that great?
I think that's bullshit
that's what I think!
- What? You always said...
- A load of bullshit!
Getting married...
is the biggest mistake
anyone can make!
He'll just make you suffer!
You'll look at her one day
and you'll ask yourself...
why?
Why?
Why?
Honey, I'm glad you made it
to John's birthday party!
Well, let'sjust say I did my best
We held it here, it's roomier
You'll meet my colleagues
Do you have a good view?
Thanks, honey
Hi Mike, open to the party
Hi John, happy birthday
Thanks
Would you like to dance?
I can't stand this!
The occasional glitch is normal
I'm a bit stressed
Occasional? We haven't had a screw
for a month. I give up!
You keep making excuses!
I went along with your stupid ideas
I even acted like a hooker!
I even came along to see Jalisse!
I've had it
We have the whole weekend ahead,
it must be my blood pressure
Maybe it's a burst blood vessel,
I'm sure it'sjust temporary
Temporary?
No, this is final. Bye!
No, wait!
You have taken me to a motel
in Basilicata!
Basilicata's beautiful for its history
and the stones of Matera!
- But it's 500 km away from Rome!
- I know, but that's not my fault!
It's your ex's fault
Let me explain
It's enough!
I don't want hear those excuses!
He keeps threatening me
- If I don't leave you, I'm dead!
- I know what we'll do...
I'll dump you, so you'll be safe
Okay?
No, that's not okay...
Monique...
- Do you have your keys?
- Listen...
- How about some pasta?
- No, thanks. We're going out
- Maybe tomorrow
- Count me in!
Okay, thanks. Bye
Bye, Andrea
- Are you eating here tonight?
- No, I'm off to mom's
- I have to fix a leaking tap
- It's been doing that for years
- My tools are in the cupboard
- Dad, I know...
- I used to live there too.
- I know
- Don't come back late!
- Okay
Time for pasta
What a surprise!
This advice might come in handy
for the rest of your life
First of all : don't ever tell a woman
you love her if you don't mean it
Second: if you only call a woman
just to screw her
you should be a sex god
and you're definitely not
Third: you're a crap shrink
Where did you get your degree?
- May I, sweetheart?
No. Fourth : fuck off
She's crazy
I've been treating her for years
But she's right. You should only say
"l love you" if it's true
I never said it!
Maybe once, without thinking
It can happen...
I know why you're being like this
You think badly of me
because goodness knows
what your mom told you!
Dad, mom always said nice things
about you
Always
Really?
Ever been in a situation like this?
I mean...
those rumours about Mary Magdalene
and you...
were theyjust rumours or...
You know, did you...
No, I wasjust asking because...
if they were true
I'd understand. Therefore
you would be able to understand me
Jesus! Can I be upfront with you?
- I'm going nuts!
- Too right you are!
- You're talking to the wall
- And you are listening!
- I was talking to...
- The boss
It's a private matter!
But if you have a problem
and you need someone to talk to...
- I'm done
- Hallelujah!
firstly: there's no problem
Secondly: I don't want to talk
Thirdly: we're not mates
We are, but I can't discuss
certain matters with you
We can't talk about the fact
that you still feel yearning...
for your ex?
I have no urges,
and remember where you are
- I'm telling the truth
- No, you're not!
I'm just worried about Elisa
What if Corrado's a jerk?
Have you forgotten where we are?
Of course, sorry
You know what I meant
What if he's not the right man
for her?
If that's the problem...
- We can find out
- How?
Isn't he playing football tonight?
let's verify that
I have a feeling it's a lie
What am I doing?
- Look at these women.
Good evening
- Good evening
- Can I take your coat?
My coat?
Yes, thank you very much
- Thank you
- Good evening to you
Hands off
Corrado! Corrado!
A football match?
It does look like a warm-up
Hi. What will you have?
A pair of...
I mean... a pearjuice!
- Okay.
Just a pearjuice. Sorry
- Here we are.
- Yes
This is our menu
Our dish of the day is Delice
She's Brazilian
She's new, just got here
A real delicacy!
Want to have a taste?
You have a menu with the girls?
They're not sandwiches!
Men can be worse than animals!
Women would never do such a thing!
women are superior beings!
Give us a flash, give us a feel!
My God!
Go Elisa!
Come on, girls. I danced with him
If you wouldn't mind
not getting too close...
you'll cover me in oil
Get naked!
Stop being silly!
No, thanks. No, really.
I'm embarrassed
Enough. Can I get down now?
Come on, Elisa
It's time for your surprise!
What?
Oh, God!
Make us proud. Come on!
Where is he going?
Look after this for me
I'll be right back
So what will it be?
No, actually, l...
We'll do anything you want us to
- Anything?
- Absolutely
I'd appreciate it if you told my mates
that I drove you wild
That you had to stop me
- So, you don't want to do anything?
- No, I'm sorry
Good man
Because every time I have cheated
on my girlfriend...
- He has cheated on her!
- .. I always felt so bad
Now we're getting married
and I couldn't!
Your friends won't get a refund
No problem
Just out of curiosity...
- How much did they pay you?
- 500 euros
For the full service
front and back
Well...
.. I'll get dressed
- Yes, do that
Yes
Wait, let's not be hasty
I was thinking...
There are people starving in
around the world
We can't waste 500 euros
Come here, let me give it to you!
- Let me give it to you!
- "I couldn't"
Hi. You asked for a whipping?
No, but thanks all the same
- What's your wedding night outfit?
- I bought a lingerie set...
It's red!
Red? Isn't it very New Year's Eve?
- Should I have bought a white one?
- No way!
Red is sluttier!
Right, it's sluttier!
But Elisa's innocent
just like Candy Candy!
Listen up!
We have a saucy surprise for you
No more surprises please, girls
Hand it over
Candy Candy's secret diary
I give up
Let's find out her secrets
The here present Candy Candy
has drafted a ranking
of all the men she has been with
- Only a few
- Actually, it's 23
I had 23 guys
the summer I graduated
Okay, top of the list
we have an A+!
Ladies, I said an A+!
Give me his number!
Who is he?
No one, just...
No, here's the revelation
Lorenzo, Don Lorenzo
The priest!
I'm definitely
getting confirmed tomorrow!
- Then what happened?
- John showed me his surf board
His surf board
Actually, he's a champion kite surfer
I see. And then?
We went in search of waves
You can't imagine how great that was
I can imagine
Giulia, I don't think
I can do this anymore
Honey, don't bejealous
Come visit me
- For St Valentine's Day
- I can't, it's high season
- Why don't you come over?
- Ijust got here a month ago
I'm sorry
I'm really sorry, honey
Hi
- Do you know what time it is?
- Yes
If he sent you, forget it
It's about Michela
Come in
What's this?
A sense of delayed guilt?
No, it'sjust that...
all I've done all these years
is belittle her
- Then my daughters told me...
- That she still loved you
So it seems
The truth is that
she was an amazing person
and you are a jerk
You were like chalk and cheese
You and your idioms!
Michela... did she go out?
If she went out on dates?
Yes
But she still preferred you
Oddly enough
Michela would have always loved you
And you?
Have you ever loved anyone else?
Like those girls you string along
and pretend you care about?
What do your psychology books
say about that?
Luca's making a big mistake
I know
Girls, can I ask you something?
What did your mom used to tell you
about me?
About the time you took her to London
and you had your photo taken
with two old grannies
I'd forgotten about that
And about that time...
when you went trekking
and you got lost in the mountains
I remember that
That was the best night of my life
It was freezing
We have always thought
we conceived you that night
I know, she told me
Despite everything, mom loved you
She still kept buying you
Christmas presents after the divorce
But she never gave them to me!
We always hoped you'd come home
Antonio!
Hi
Have you seen Lorenzo...
I mean... Don Lorenzo?
Sorry
He's in his office
Lorenzo?
Hi
- The wedding's not until tomorrow!
- I know
It'sjust that I don't feel so right
I'm not sure I want to get married
- You must be kidding!
- No
Listen, when you saw me,
how did you feel?
Happy, because the Lord
brought us back together
In a different role
We must thank the Lord
for this encounter
- What are you saying?
- Why?
Didn't you have butterflies
in your stomach?
Didn't you feel faint?
Didn't you think back to
when we used to make love?
Elisa, we're in a church, please
- Lorenzo!
Don't touch me!
I may...
still be in love with you
- You see? You said "maybe"
- And you?
Me? l...
First: you shouldn't be asking me
Second...
Corrado?
Hide!
My dear Corrado!
- How are you?
- Not bad
Can I have a word?
I need to confess myself
Now?
- In here, right?
Yes
- Did you have to hide in here?
- Sorry
Damn!
I have an idea
This won't be a proper confession
just a friendly chat
Yes, okay
Don Lorenzo
I have sinned
I know, I know
- How?
- Well...
You must have if you're here
And we all have sinned...
My friends organized my stag night
in a sexy night club
And what happened?
Nothing, women
were dancing naked
and I got carried away
looking at them...
- And then?
- And then...
- And then nothing
- Are you sure?
Yes
- Really sure?
- Why this third degree?
- Just asking
Well, admiring scantily clad girls
isn't such a sin
I know, but it didn't end there
Last night I got home late
and Elisa was asleep
I happened to come across
an old diary of hers
I couldn't resist
so I started reading it
She gave ratings to all the guys
she dated
I was rather ticked off
She mentions a guy
called Lorenzo, just like you
She gave him an A+
Wow, he must have been
really special!
What mark did she give you?
C minus
Well, that's a pass
She didn't fall you
so it's not that bad
But I really regret doing that
because we tell each other everything
I shouldn't have read it
Just don't do it again
Go home now
see you at the wedding tomorrow
Thank you, Don Lorenzo!
A+
That was a long time ago
Wait
Well, has he gone?
- The coast is clear
- Come out now
Shame on you!
Mrs Concetta...
Go home now
Ready?
- There.
Thanks
- Did you make up with your husband?
- Are you kidding?
- If it were up to me, he'd...
- Don't move!
Give me the money!
It's the long hours
- I know.
Thatjob rules your life
Unit 12 , over. There's a robbery
at a supermarket in...
Let's go
- I repeat, in Via Da Vinci.
Put it on our tab
Boss
Yes?
- I need a week off work
- Okay, we can arrange that
- From tomorrow
- Are you kidding?
- Is that a no?
Of course. Get back to work!
I have to visit my girlfriend
I don't care about your love life
but about our tourists!
I'm your boss, not your shrink!
You know what?
I'm going on holiday anyway!
Have a good day!
You're fired, Marc! Got that?
Okay
Where are you going?
To Middle Earth! To surprise Giulia
Way to go! Can I use your flat?
So I can have my way with Veronique
Mine's a full house
- Have fun.
Thanks!
Can you hear me?
Madam?
Davide, don't move
The ambulance is on its way
You'll be okay
Don't move. Don't worry
They're here
Don't move. You'll be okay
- Mom's in hospital!
- Why?
There was a shooting
at the supermarket!
Is she okay?
Don't know, I'm off
to the hospital right now
Okay, I'm on my way
Here we are. Red alert
A gunshot wound
20 mg of morphine
One, two, three
Try to stay calm
Here's the surgeon
Here I am
At last
No! Why?
Just look who it is
- What happened?
- He was shot in the stomach
The bullet's inside,
he's losing blood
- Great.
- What?
- I mean... wait
- Not him!
Davide, calm down
- You'll be okay.
You know him?
- You want me to do it?
- Yes!
No! I'll do it
Knock him out
Bye
- Excuse me.
Where are you going?
- Where is room 15?
- It's there, but you can't go in
- What happened to her?
- Talk to the doctor
- Please tell me
- I can't, sorry
Please!
She has head injuries
and has lost a lot of blood
- She's sedated now
- Oh, God
She'll need a CT scan to see
if there's been any brain damage
I'm very sorry
Please wait outside now
- Antonella, quick. Cardiac arrest
- I'm coming
Loredana, what are you doing?
You can't do this, not now
We still have so much to do,
together
So many stuff to smash at home
You have to chop up
those horrible paintings
I can't do this
If it hadn't been for you,
he wouldn't have made it
While I was rushing to
get here earlier...
I realized that I cannot live...
without you
I have always loved you
Always, every day of my life
What are you saying?
Well? Who are you?
- Hold on, who are you?
- Me?
- I'm her husband
- Look, you're wrong...
- You're right
- You said you loved her...
and couldn't live without her
- Are you her lover?
- No...
How could you do this to me?
You whore!
I have always loved and respected you
And you chose someone...
this ugly!
You're no Brad Pitt either
I do apologize
I'll be on my way...
maybe you two need to talk
Good luck
Goodbye
- You whore! My mom was right.
What's going on?
- Is this the fourth floor?
- No, it's the third. Why?
There's a man in there having
a crisis...
- Loredana!
Andrea, look who's here
- Where were you, dad?
- How are you, honey?
I have a broken arm and wrist
- Thank goodness
- What?
You see? He wants me dead
I mean... it could've been worse
A cop got shot right next to me
I'm still in shock
and you didn't even bother to call
You won't believe it
but I thought I was holding your hand
- I was in the wrong room
- Goodbye, Luca
Let's go
Guilia
Hey, you are looking
for the Italian girl?
Yes, Guilia, do you know her?
Of course, she left this morning
left for where?
Don't know
she's with her boyfriend, I think
Boyfriend?
You mean the tall guy, really built
John?
Yes
John, good looking guy
And she's taking his car
They are really cute together
That's love
Love
Are you friend?
No
I am a idiot
Elisa...
look at the priest
He looks like your ex
What was his name?
The Lazio team fan
No...
that's not him
Did you see the priest?
Doesn't he look like Elisa's ex?
No!
- Good morning, ma'am
- Why are you here?
I'm your new help
I thought that with your broken arm
you couldn't cook
so I did some shopping
and prepared something
I didn't ask you to
I know, you're too proud
But you wanted to, I know
You know, Loredana...
"Yes, this is for the best
Separate lives, at last!
She is suffocating, she always
wants to have the last word..."
Because that's the truth
But I realized
that despite everything
I can't live without you
Not even for one minute
Sorry, I was wrong
I love you
Can you record that in the draft,
Your Honour?
- Will you forgive me?
- No
But I'll hire you
as domestic help
- But you're on trial
- Okay, thank you
You can start
with the sitting room windows
- Of course, ma'am.
And no streaks!
Right away
In God's presence
and of the people here
join hands and declare
your consent
May the Lord
in the name of your love,
be with you
Always
I, Corrado, take you, Elisa
as my lawfully wedded wife
In the name of Our Lord
I promise to be faithful to you
in joy and in sorrow
in sickness and in health
and to love and to cherish you
till death us do part
Not so loud
Elisa... it's your turn
I, Elisa, take you, Lorenzo...
Corrado
My name's Corrado, honey
Oh, God! Sorry
- She's nervous
- My goodness, sorry
..take you, Corrado
as my lawfully wedded husband
And in the name of Our Lord
I promise to be faithful to you...
in joy and in sorrow...
in sickness and in health...
to love you...
And to cherish... go on, Elisa
Go on
Go on!
You didn't answer me yesterday
Please, just get married
We'll talk later
Yes, but it'll be too late
I don't have this bit on paper
Well?
You see...
I have always thought of myself
as being...
a cool priest
Cool isn't the right word
A good priest, a kind one...
I love my robe, I love myjob
which isn't really a job...
It's my life
It's my calling
And if I were to choose
between thisjob...
and you...
I'd choose you, my love
- Is this a joke?
- No, Corrado
I'm so sorry
but I'm still in love with Elisa
What do you mean "still"?
Don Lorenzo!
Hold on, Lorenzo...
- Lorenzo A+ from her diary?
- To be honest...
You're her ex?
- I told you it was him
Good morning
How are you?
I see you're awake
Yes. It hurts a bit...
The wound's still sore
That's normal, it's the stitches
You were lucky, the bullet
missed all vital organs
You won't be doing any sports
for the next two months
no sex, no hanky-panky...
none of that stuff
- Enjoy your stay.
Thanks
- Doctor
- Yes?
Paolo
Thanks
- Ijust did myjob as a doctor
- But I was a bastard.
I know
I had to study
to become a doctor
but you were born a bastard
I wanted to tell you
that once I'm better...
I'll stay out of your life
Thanks, but there's no need
Monique left me
- For someone else?
- I think so
May I sit?
It was all so sudden
I know she's volatile, but...
She did the same to me
- Did she?
Of course. She has someone new
I see
Do you have a plan?
HONG KONG AIRPORSorry
Sorry
Excuse me , Excuse me...
- I was in Wellington.
I was in Paris!
"l looked out of the window
It was a misty morning
The sun was rising
The day was beginning
Some people were already working
some werejust waking up
Half way between their bright dreams
and the rays of morning light
I closed my eyes...
and a river flowed through them."
I hope nothing changes
between us
I'd still like us to be friends
I'm going
Sorry
- May I?
Yes
I think Corrado was more upset
about his plasma TV than about me
You know something?
It's been 9 years, 2 weeks
and 4 days
since I last kissed a woman
- Was it me?
- Yes
What if I don't like it anymore?
You'd better like it
I've been through hell!
And I haven't?
- Don Lorenzo, well?
- What is it?
This is going too far!
Mrs Concetta
when two people love each other...
it never is a sin
Can you beat that?
- How was it?
- Lovely
I remember it being nicer
Cinderella, cut it out!
I was top of your list