Excuse Me for Living (2012) Movie Script
YOU HAVE FORSAKEN
ALL THE LOVE YOU'VE TAKEN
SLEEPIN' ON A RAZOR
THERE'S NOWHERE
LEFT TO FALL
YOUR BODY'S ACHIN',
EVERY BONE IS BREAKIN'
NOTHING SEEMS TO SHAKE IT,
IT JUST KEEPS HOLDIN' ON
AH AH AH AH-AH
AH AH AH
AH AH AH-AH
AH AH AH-AH
AH AH AH-AH
AH AH AH-AH AH
AH AH AH-AH
YOUR SOUL IS ABLE,
DEATH IS ALL YOU CRADLE
SLEEPIN' ON THE NAILS,
THERE'S NOWHERE LEFT TO FALL
YOU HAVE ADMIRED,
EVERY MAN DESIRES
EVERYONE IS KING...
( music stops )
OH!
LET GO OF ME.
CAN'T DO THAT,
SONNY BOY.
I AM NOT YOUR BOY,
AND YOU KINDLY
WILL LET GO, GODDAMN IT!
WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING,
FOR CHRIST SAKE!
THIS IS REAL ARMANI.
MY FATHER WILL SUE YOUR ASS!
I DON'T CARE IF
MARY, MOTHER OF GOD,
WEAVED IT HERSELF.
YOU ARE NO KILLING YOURSELF
ON MY BEAT.
( siren approaching )
I WAS SIMPLY TAKING
A LEISURELY STROLL
TO VISI MY POETRY PROFESSOR
IN HOBOKEN,
YOUR HONOR,
WHEN THIS VERY LARGE
POLICEMAN ACCOSTS ME
FROM NOWHERE,
APPLIES A NO DOUB STEROIDS-INDUCED THRASHING,
AND CONJURES WHAT'S PROBABLY
A $150 TAILORING REPAIR JOB
ON MY BILL BLASS.
HE CLAIMED
IT WAS ARMANI.
- SCREW THE COUTURE.
- CO-WHO?
BLESS YOU,
OFFICER FRANKLIN.
AND OVERALL,
I MIGHT SAY, JUDGE...
KAMEL.
- NO. KARMEL.
YES, KARAMEL.
THIS VERY LARGE GENTLEMAN,
AND SUPPOSED PROTECTOR
OF THE COURT,
PROVED HIMSELF TO BE
EXTREMELY INHOSPITABLE.
NEVERTHELESS, IN THE SPIRI OF THE CHRISTMAS SEASON,
I'M WILLING TO DROP
ALL CHARGES AGAINST HIM
IF YOU'LL JUST KINDLY--
WHAT, REMOVE
THE HANDCUFFS?
AND MAY 16th IS NO TYPICALLY THOUGHT OF
AS A WINTER HOLIDAY.
( voice echoing )
YOU'RE GETTING TO BE
A REGULAR HERE, DANIEL TOPLER.
IT'S UNUSUAL TO SEE EVEN
YOUNG DRUG ADDICTS LIKE YOU HERE
THREE TIMES A MONTH.
YELLOW WALLS DO NOTHING
FOR THE DECOR.
- WHY ARE THE LIGHTS SO DIM?
- TOPLER!
ARE YOU FEELING OKAY?
SEND HIM BACK TO
THE REHAB CLINIC AGAIN.
( normal voice )
AND GET SOMEONE TO WIPE UP
THAT DROOL, OFFICER FRANKLIN.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN,
I PRESUME.
I'M DR. JACOB Q. BERNSTEIN.
AND I'M FELIX THE CAT.
MEOW.
LET ME OUTTA HERE,
OR I WILL KICK
YOUR 2,000-YEAR-OLD ASS
FROM HERE TO
KINGDOM COME.
FUCK!!
( scornful laughter )
OH, I MUST SAY,
YOU DON'T LOOK SO HO YOURSELF, DR. BERNAISE.
- BERNSTEIN.
- YES, BERN-STINE.
WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN
AND WE'LL CHAT A WHILE.
I COULD USE THE COMPANY.
BUT FIRST, WOULD YOU MIND
SCRATCHING MY NOSE?
SOME FLY PROBABLY SENT BY
A RIGHT-WING NEO-NAZI
LUFTWAFFE HAS BEEN
DIVE-BOMBING ME.
A LITTLE TO THE LEFT.
AH!
YOU ARE A HEALER.
AS A CSN&Y SONG GOES,
"I'M NOT FEELING
UP TO PAR."
DO YOU THINK I SHOULD
CUT MY HAIR,
BECAUSE I ALMOST DID BEFORE
I JUMPED OVER MARTHA.
THE BRIDGE, THAT IS.
LINDA.
OH. OH, NO.
OH, YES.
OOH. OOH-OOH.
( grunts )
HELP.
SAVE ME, PLEASE.
( knocking )
GOOD MORNING!
GOOD MORNING, DANIEL!
HURRY UP
FOR BREAKFAST.
THE VOLLEYBALL TOURNAMEN STARTS SOON.
I'LL HAVE WHIPPED CREAM
LICKED OFF YOUR BREASTS.
I'M NOT ON
THE MENU, DANIEL.
WHY SCREW MY OLD MAN
WHEN YOU CAN HAVE
A YOUNG STUD LIKE ME, ELAINE?
( door opens )
WELL, I SEE YOU'RE
VERY MUCH AT HOME HERE, DANIEL.
DR. BERNSTEIN.
WHAT DAY IS THIS?
SATURDAY, 9:00 A.M.
YOU HAD
QUITE A NAP.
I SEE YOUR FATHER'S MILLIONS
HAVE FURNISHED THE ROOM
FROM YOUR
MANHATTAN LOFT.
HM. HAVE YOU READ THIS?
ANYONE WHO'S EVER
TAKEN PSYCHOLOGY 101
HAS READ CARL ROGERS'
SEMINAL WORK ON
BECOMING A PERSON.
ALAS, THERE'S NO TIME
FOR NICETIES.
GOTTA BE GOING.
TA-TA FOR NOW,
BUT DUTY CALLS.
WHEN ONE'S PRESIDEN BEGS ONE TO SERVE ONE'S COUNTRY,
CAN ONE REFUSE?
IT'S HUSH-HUSH.
TOP SECRE AND ON THE Q.T.
SOMETHING ABOU A SCROFULOUS TORSO
LEVITATING FROM
KIM SONG'S TOMB.
YOU JUST CAN'T TRUS THOSE BASTARD KOREAN
DICTATORS TO STAY DEAD.
WHERE ARE THE STANDARDS,
ANYHOW?
BY THE WAY, DID MY DAD
HAVE MY CAR BROUGHT AROUND YET?
SHALL I CALL LINDA AGAIN?
NO. THAT WON' BE NECESSARY.
CAN WE TALK?
OKAY, DOC. SIT DOWN.
TAKE A LOAD OFF.
SURE, LET'S BE PALS,
BUT IT DEPENDS.
IT DEPENDS, HUH?
ON WHAT?
ON JUST WHAT KIND OF
HEADSHRINKER YOU ARE.
MY OWN PREFERENCE LEANS HEAVILY
TOWARDS THE DRUGGIES.
PSYCHO-PHARMACOLOGISTS,
YOU MEAN.
I LOVE THE GREEN PILLS,
BUT YELLOW WORKS FOR ME
IF IT WORKS FOR YOU.
THE YELLOWS WORK
FOR YOU, HUH?
OH, I FEEL
A ROGERIAN COMING ON.
CARL ROGERS HELPED
MANY, MANY PEOPLE.
NOW, IF YOU'RE NO PUSHING DRUGS,
I WAS HOPING YOU MIGHT BE
MY SECOND-FAVORITE
KIND OF VOODOO DOCTOR.
YOU OKAY?
UH, YEAH.
DOC?
WHOA!
- THANK YOU.
- YEAH.
I WANNA TELL YOU ABOU A DISCUSSION I LEAD.
OH, MAN, OH, MAN.
HERE WE GO WITH
THE GROUP THERAPY.
IF I HAVE TO LISTEN TO
ONE MORE SAD SACK
TELL ME THE PITIFUL STORY
OF HIS LIFE,
I WILL LOSE MY MIND.
FORGET ABOUT IT, DOC.
NO, NO, NO.
IT'S NOT LIKE
THAT AT ALL.
THIS IS A BUNCH OF MEN
JUST GETTING TOGETHER
TO KIBBUTZ.
WHAT'S THE CATCH?
A SCHMOOZE WITH YOUR STIFFS,
AND THEN I'M OUTTA HERE?
NOT PRECISELY.
JUST GET TOGETHER
A FEW TIMES.
A FEW TIMES?
- YES, MORE OR LESS.
- MORE OR LESS?!
SIT DOWN!
NOW, LISTEN TO ME,
YOUNG MAN. LISTEN UP CLOSELY.
IF YOU EVER
WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE,
YOU SHOULD TAKE MY OFFER.
YOU UNDERSTAND?
ALL RIGHT.
GOOD.
NOW I'D LIKE YOU TO
JOIN IN A DISCUSSION
WITH MY SENIOR MEN'S
GROUP.
YOU ARE KIDDING,
AREN'T YOU?
WE MEET A TEMPLE B'NAI ISRAEL.
BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO COME
BACK HERE WHEN YOU'RE
NOT AT THE MEETINGS.
A TEMPLE MEN'S GROUP
FOR DYING PEOPLE.
THIS REALLY IS RICH.
A LOT OF US ARE NO QUITE AS DEAD AS YOU MAY THINK.
WHEN I CALL MY DAD,
HE WILL HAVE ME OUT OF HERE
IN A NANO-SECOND.
FUN TIME IS OVER.
THE COURT PUT YOU
IN MY CUSTODY.
BESIDES, YOUR FATHER
THINKS IT'S A VERY GOOD IDEA.
WELL?
I'M JUS GIVING YOUR PROPOSAL
THE UTMOST CAREFUL
CONSIDERATION. NO.
ALL RIGHT. I'LL BE BACK
IN A MONTH TO SEE IF
YOU'VE RECONSIDERED.
LINDA, JOE.
PUT YOUR HAND
IN THERE.
Daniel: LINDA.
OKAY.
OKAY, THIS IS BLACKMAIL!
I WILL ATTEND YOUR MUMMIFIED
DECAFFEINATED KAFFEE KLATSCH.
FINE.
GOOD CHOICE.
SO SHOULD I BRING
MY OWN DENTURES,
OR DO YOU PASS ONE SE AROUND FOR EVERYONE?
TOMORROW, 8:00 P.M.,
YOU CAN USE YOUR OWN CAR.
NURSE LINDA WILL GIVE YOU
A PRESCRIPTION TO HELP
YOU SLEEP,
AND AN ANTI-ABUSE PILL.
DO NOT...
I REPEAT, DO NOT USE
ANY DRUGS OR ALCOHOL HERE,
OR YOU WILL REALLY
FEEL LIKE YOU'RE DYING.
- ( dialing phone )
- ( line ringing )
- HELLO.
- DAD.
I'M BACK HERE A THE LIVE FREE OR DIE CLINIC.
YES, I KNOW.
- YOU KNOW THAT?
- THEY CALLED ME.
WELL, I'M GLAD TO GE A HOLD OF YOU.
THAT'S A CHANGE.
NO, REALLY. I'M HAPPY
TO CHAT WITH YOU.
IN FACT, THE FUNNIES THING JUST HAPPENED.
THIS SHRINK SAID
I'VE GOT TO ATTEND
SOME ALTA KOCKER
DISCUSSION GROUP.
ISN'T THA A YUK AND A HALF?
I THINK IT'S
AN EXCELLENT IDEA, DANIEL.
- DR. BERNSTINE AND I--
- BERNSTEIN.
DR. BERNSTEIN AND I
CHEWED IT OVER EARLIER TODAY.
HE'S A HIGHLY REGARDED
EXPERT FOR CASES LIKE YOURS.
NOW JUST A SECOND, DAD.
NO, YOU JUST A SECOND,
SONNY BOY.
I HAVE PLACED YOUR WELFARE
COMPLETELY IN
THE DOCTOR'S HANDS.
OBVIOUSLY, YOUR MOTHER AND I
HAVE GOTTEN NOWHERE WITH YOU.
WHATEVER DR. BERNSTEIN SAYS,
GOES, AND THAT'S THAT.
FATHER!
OH, I LOVE I WHEN YOU CALL ME THAT.
DON'T FORGET TO WRITE.
NOW, WHERE WERE WE?
OH, HONEY.
OH, ALBERT.
( both moaning )
OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH.
OH. OH, NO.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I DON'T THINK
I CAN, DOLL.
OH... AGAIN!
JESUS, ALBERT.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
GO ON THAT DIET I GAVE YOU,
OR YOU'RE GONNA
DROP DEAD BEFORE
YOUR DIVORCE IS FINAL,
AND WE CAN FINALLY
GET MARRIED.
RIGHT. YOU'RE
RIGHT, HONEY BUNNY.
HOW DO YOU LIKE
THAT DIAMOND BRACELE I GOT YOU?
THE TOPLERS
AREN'T CHEAP.
WHAT WAS THAT, ELAINE?
UM, A FIREFLY, I THINK.
- FIREFLY?
- FORGET ABOUT IT.
( defecates wetly )
OH, LOOK AT THAT.
HOW AM I GONNA GO HOME?
JUST RUN IN AND TELL HER
THAT YOU GOTTA GO REAL BAD.
YOU. YOU'RE LIKE WEBSTER'S.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT WORDS
FOR EVERYTHING.
IF ONLY I HAD
A WIFE LIKE YOU.
YOU WILL HAVE
A WIFE LIKE ME, AL,
VERY SOON.
LOOK AT MY HUSBAND
WITH THIS HARLOT ELAINE.
OKAY.
- CHARLOTTE DAVIDSON HERE.
- MISS DAVIDSON,
HARRIET TOPLER.
THIS TIME, I HAVE PICTURES
OF MY HUSBAND CHEATING ON ME.
DON'T WORRY,
MRS. TOPLER.
AS YOUR ATTORNEY, WE'LL TAKE HIM
FOR ALL HE'S GOT,
OR MY NAME ISN' CHARLOTTE DAVIDSON.
Man: PIROT, LET'S GE A MOVE ON.
THE COSTUME BALL
MUST BE PERFECT.
DID YOU ARRANGE FOR
THE NOTRE DAME TWINS
TO BE HERE?
THE CHAMPAGNE,
THE ORGANIC HORS D'OEUVRES?
JAZZ BAND?
DON'T FORGET TO PU COKE AND PERFUME BOTTLES
IN EACH BEDROOM.
YES, BOSS.
DANDY MAN. HEY, WHAT TIME
YOU GONNA BE HERE FOR THE BASH?
DON'T KNOW, BRUCIE.
MAYBE I SHOULD PASS
ON THIS PARTY
AND FINALLY DRY OUT.
OH, YOU'RE NOT GONNA WANNA MISS
THIS ONE, I PROMISE YOU.
I'VE GOT A SURPRISE
FOR YOU.
JUST WALK RIGHT ON
UP THE BEACH.
IT'S NOT EVEN A MILE.
BESIDES, THERE'S YOUR
ADORING PUBLIC TO CONSIDER.
YOU WIN, BRUCIE.
NO WONDER YOU BAG
ALL THOSE MERGERS
AT MORGAN STANFIELD.
OKAY, CATCH YA LATER.
( knocking on door )
TAKE JUST ONE OF EACH
AT BEDTIME, NOT BEFORE.
YOU HAVE TO SUBMIT TO
DAILY BLOOD AND URINE TESTS.
NO DRIVING, EXCEPT FOR
THE MEN'S GROUP,
AND FOR GOD'S SAKE,
DO NOT TAKE ANY
DRUGS OR ALCOHOL.
Man: ARE YOU PLAYING?
WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE?
( men continue
chattering )
JESUS.
I GOT TO KEEP MY IMAGE
WHILE SUSPENDED FROM MY THRONE
THAT LOOKS OUT UPON MY KINGDOM
FULL OF PEOPLE ALL UNKNOWN
WHO IMAGINE I'M NOT HUMAN
AND MY HEART IS MADE OF STONE
I NEVER HAD NO PROBLEMS
AND MY TOILET'S
TRIMMED WITH CHROME
I'M A MAN,
YES, I AM
AND I CAN'T HELP
BUT LOVE YOU SO
NO, NO, NO
I'M A MAN,
YES, I AM
AND I CAN'T HELP
BUT LOVE YOU SO
NO, NO, NO
YES, I AM
NO, NO, NO
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY
HEY, HEY, HEY
YES, I AM
( men chattering nearby )
TWO PAIR, ACES UP,
READ 'EM AND WEEP, SUCKERS!
THE DANDY MAN'S HERE!
RISE, GRASSHOPPERS.
WHERE'S THE CHOW?
I'M FAMISHED.
INTRODUCE ME IMMEDIATELY
TO THAT DARK-HAIRED MIRAGE,
OR I WILL TURN YOU INTO
A MAN FROM THE TOAD YOU ARE.
Bruce: YOU MEAN
CHARLOTTE DAVIDSON.
OKAY, MY MAN.
TAKE THIS FOR GOOD LUCK.
JUST WAIT UNTIL HE DISCOVERS
SHE'S A KARATE BLACK BELT.
AND HER FATHER'S
EVEN RICHER THAN HIS.
DIDN'T YOU FORGE MY CHANGE AT McDONALD'S
THIS AFTERNOON?
AND I ASKED FOR
THE ONION RINGS,
NOT THE FRIES.
WELL, EXCUSE ME, SIR.
I HOPE I CAN FIND A WAY
TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
CHAMPAGNE!
I'M DAN TOPLER,
AND NO, I'M ON
THE WAGON JUST NOW.
- UH...
- CHARLOTTE DAVIDSON.
MY FRIENDS CALL ME CHARLIE.
SO YOU'RE
THE DANDY MAN.
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN
PANTING TO MEET YOU.
LET'S GET ON
THE WAGON TOGETHER.
JUST HAVE
A SQUOSH.
IT'S PRONOUNCED
"SKOSH."
OKAY. SKOSH.
HAVE ONE.
YOU'LL FEEL BETTER,
AND SO WILL YOUR WAGON.
ONE MORE.
SHOULD WE TELL HIM THA CHARLIE'S COME FROM
THE DARK SIDE?
HE'LL FIND OU SOON ENOUGH.
( people cheering
and cat-calling )
Man: SHE'S
A KILLER, DAN!
- JUDGE KARAMEL?
- JUDGE WHO?
THAT'S HAUTE COUTURE,
YOU IMBECILE.
BLESS YOU,
OFFICER FRANKLIN.
Bernstein: I COULD LOCK
YOU UP IN A STRAITJACKE FOR THE NEXT YEAR,
OR I COULD TIE YOU UP
AND HAVE LINDA SPOON-FEED YOU
MOST OF YOUR MEALS.
AN INTERN WOULD COME IN
AND REMOVE YOUR POTTY FOR YOU,
WHEN HE REMEMBERS.
IS THIS WHA YOU REALLY WANT?
DON'T YOU KNOW YOU ALMOS DIED RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF ME,
YOU LITTLE MORON?
I LIKED YOU BETTER
AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN
THAN YOUR NEW ROLE
AS NURSE RATCHED.
I DON'T CARE HOW ROTTEN
YOU FEEL TOMORROW, DANIEL.
YOU MUST ATTEND
THE DISCUSSION GROUP.
THIS IS YOUR FINAL
CHANCE WITH ME,
OR I'M SHIPPING YOU
UP TO PRISON.
GOT IT?
OH, BOY.
THIS FUNERAL'S EVEN MORE SOMBER
THAN THEY USUALLY ARE.
DID YOU FIX MY LUNCH,
BY THE WAY?
THE CURRIED EGG SALAD
SANDWICH WITH THE PICKLE
ON THE TOP,
THE WAY I LIKE IT.
- YES, REVEREND PILATUS.
- THAT'S GOOD.
OH, I SHOULD'VE
BEGGED OFF THIS GIG.
I NEVER WOULD'VE EVEN
ACCEPTED THIS SERVICE,
EXCEPT THAT HIS DAUGHTER
HAS MADE A TREMENDOUS DONATION.
HER NAME IS CHARLOTTE,
AND SHE IS
A PIECE OF WORK.
( trills tongue )
WHAT'S CHARLOTTE DAVIDSON'S
PERSONAL CASH FLOW?
WITH DADDY DEAD,
AND COMBINED WITH
HER TRUST FUNDS,
I'D SAY SOMETHING LIKE
WHOO! AND DEBT?
MAYBE 500.
MILLION.
NO. $500.
SHE PAYS IN CASH.
YOU MEAN THIS DAME
INHERITED A COMPANY
WORTH TWO BILLION SMACKERS,
AND SHE OWES 500 BUCKS?
YES, AND THAT'S JUS AN AVERAGE OF HER
MONTHLY CREDIT CARD BILL.
IT COULD BE LESS.
WHAT ABOUT CHARLOTTE HERSELF?
PERSONAL HABITS,
FRIENDS?
SHE'S A BIG-TIME
PARTY GIRL AND ATHLETE.
A KARATE BLACK BELT,
AND SHE REGULARLY
WINS COMPETITIONS.
A DIVORCE ATTORNEY,
ONLY FOR WOMEN,
AND PRETTY GOOD AT IT,
JUDGING BY ALL HER
CLIENTS' AWARDS.
SHE WINS EVERY TIME
IN COURT,
AND LIKES TO POUND
MEN TO THE GROUND.
GREAT. A MONSTROUSLY RICH,
KUNG FU, TIGHTWAD,
LITIGATING BALL BUSTER
STANDS IN THE WAY
OF THIS MERGER.
YOU MUST BE ZOE,
MY DEAR.
NO ONE'S EVER CALLED ME
THAT BUT MY FATHER.
YES, YOUR FATHER GANYMEDE
AND I WERE GREAT FRIENDS.
AND YOU ARE?
PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
I'M BARRY BLACKMON,
PROFESSOR OF GREEK
AND ROMAN HISTORY.
AND I MUST SAY,
YOUR FATHER WOULD
BE SO HAPPY
TO KNOW YOU WERE
DRESSED THE WAY YOU ARE,
IN THE GREEK TRADITION
OF WHITE,
CELEBRATING THE IMMORTALITY
OF THE SPIRIT,
AS OPPOSED TO BLACK,
MOURNING A PASSED SOUL.
YOUR FATHER OFTEN TOLD ME
OVER A GLASS OF WINE
JUST HOW BEAUTIFUL
HIS DAUGHTER WAS.
I HAD NO IDEA
HOW UNDERSTATED
HIS WORDS WERE.
DADDY SAID HE LOVED
LOOKING THROUGH HIS TELESCOPE
AT THE CONSTELLATION
TAURUS,
BECAUSE IT REMINDED HIM
OF ME...
BULL-HEADED
BUT SENSITIVE.
SO SORRY TO INTERRUPT.
ANOTHER TIME,
MISS DAVIDSON.
ANOTHER TIME.
AS YOU WERE SAYING,
MY DEAR.
( sighs )
DADDY NEVER SHOWED ME
HOW TO USE HIS TELESCOPE.
WHAT A SHAME.
PERHAPS I COULD SHOW YOU.
YOUR FATHER BOUGH THE ONE THAT I RECOMMENDED.
OH, HE DID.
PERHAPS WE COULD
GET TOGETHER AND DISCUSS
HOW I COULD CONTINUE
HIS LOVE OF ANTIQUITY.
OF COURSE, ZOE.
HOW SWEET OF YOU
TO CONSIDER IT.
AND WHO IS THIS
CHARMING FRIEND OF YOURS?
- YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.
DO I KNOW YOU?
- I'M LAURA, PROFESSOR.
WHEN SHALL WE
MEET AGAIN?
IN THUNDER, LIGHTNING,
OR IN RAIN?
WHY DON'T I PICK YOU UP
AT YOUR OFFICE
WEDNESDAY AT NOON,
AND WE'LL HAVE LUNCH.
SPLENDID.
OKAY, IF I HAVE TO GIVE HER
HALF THE COMPANY,
I WILL.
SHE'S BEEN MY WIFE
FOR 30 YEARS, AFTER ALL.
YOU ALREADY GAVE HER
HALF FIVE YEARS AGO
FOR ESTATE-PLANNING PURPOSES.
HER ATTORNEY WANTS MORE.
WHAT? THE GOLD-DIGGER.
WE'VE ONLY BEEN MARRIED
FOR 30 YEARS.
SIT.
NINETY PERCENT.
- NINETY PERCENT?!
- ( wheezing cough )
( wheezing continues )
THAT'S PRACTICALLY
HIS ENTIRE...
( gasping )
PRACTICALLY HIS
ENTIRE NET WORTH,
MS. DAVIDSON.
YOU ARE LUCKY WE'RE LEAVING HIM
WITH HIS JOCKEY SHORTS.
HONEY BUNCH, YOU KNOW IT'S ONLY
YOU I EVER REALLY LOVED.
OH, I WISH I COULD
BELIEVE YOU.
IS THAT WHAT YOU SAY
TO HER, TOO?
IF YOU HADN'T SPEN SO MUCH TIME A THE ART CENTER, I NEVER--
AND TELL YOUR CLIEN NEVER TO TALK TO MINE AGAIN
IF HE WANTS TO KEEP
HIS... UNDERWEAR.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DON'T LOOK AT THAT.
DANIEL, DANIEL,
DANIEL.
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS
AGAIN TO YOUR MOTHER AND ME?
WHY DOES EVERYTHING
THAT HAPPENS TO ME
HAVE TO DO WITH
YOU AND MOM?
YOU GOT A BEAUTIFUL
VIEW HERE.
YOU KNOW THAT, DANIEL?
HAVE YOU LOOKED OUTSIDE TODAY?
IT'S GORGEOUS.
YOU'RE LICKING YOUR CHOPS
OVER ELAINE, NO DOUBT.
IS SHE ON THE BEACH
BOUNCING HER TITS IN VOLLEYBALL?
YOU'RE VERY
RUDE, DANIEL.
HOW CAN YOU THROW
YOUR LIFE AWAY LIKE THIS?
YOU WHO HAD EVERY ADVANTAGE
IN LIFE, EVERY POSSIBILITY.
EVERY POSSIBILITY?
IS IT TOO LATE TO BE A PENGUIN?
YOUR LIFE IS NO A SITCOM, BOYCHICK.
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED
TO BE SO THANKLESS.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOIN' HERE?
DANIEL IS
MY SON, TOO.
ANYWAY, I'M NO SUPPOSED TO TALK TO YOU.
WHAT'S THA SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
ARE THE TWO OF YOU
FINALLY GETTING A DIVORCE?
- YES.
- NO.
I LOVE YOUR MOTHER.
YOU GOT A FUNNY WAY
TO SHOW IT.
( stammers )
COUPLES HAVE PROBLEMS,
BUT THEY WORK THEM OUT.
LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU COME
TO UNIVERSAL LIKE YOUR SISTER?
WE'LL MAKE YOU
A VICE-PRESIDENT OR SOMETHING.
AND THE PAY IS NO SO BAD, EITHER.
I MEAN, 100 GRAND A YEAR
WILL KEEP THE WOLF AWAY,
AS LONG AS MOMMY
AND DADDY PROVIDE
A HOLIDAY BONUS
AND A NEW CAR
EVERY NOW AND THEN.
AND WASTE MY LIFE
BEING A JUNK DEALER LIKE YOU?
YOU WATCH
YOUR TONGUE.
YOUR FATHER'S COMPANY,
TOO UNDIGNIFIED FOR
AN IVY LEAGUE COLLEGE BOY,
KEEPS US IN LUXURY, PAL,
AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT.
YOU KNOW, HE DIDN'T HAVE
A FATHER WHO GAVE HIM
EVERYTHING UNDER GOD'S CREATION.
WHY SEND ME TO YALE
IF YOU JUST WANT ME
TO TAKE OVER THE BUSINESS?
NO, WE WANT YOU
TO GROW UP.
BUT AS YOU SAY,
YOU JUST DON'T GET IT.
WHAT KIND OF SON
DID WE RAISE, ANYWAY?
( sighs heavily )
GLAD YOU CAME,
MOM AND DAD.
REALLY.
( men talking quietly )
OH, DAN, BRING
YOUR CUP OVER HERE,
AND COME AND MEE THE MEN, ALL RIGHT?
GOT A SPECIAL GUES THIS EVENING.
DANIEL TOPLER.
I WAS HOPING ALL OF YOU
WOULD BE AGREEABLE
TO HAVING HIM ATTEND
SOME MORE SESSIONS.
CERTAINLY. WHY NOT.
JACK, WHY DOES A YOUNG MAN
LIKE HIM WANT TO COMMUNE
WITH A BUNCH OF
OLD FOGIES?
MORTY MAVIS.
PLEASED TO MEET YOU.
MORTY IS
A BUSINESS CONSULTANT.
WELL, UH, FOR ME,
I GUESS YOU SHOULD
ALL KNOW--
DANIEL, LET ME DO
THE INTRODUCTION,
ALL RIGHT?
DANIEL'S A MEDICAL STUDEN IN HIS FIRST YEAR A STONY BROOK,
AND I UNDERSTAND
HE'S CONSIDERING GERONTOLOGY
AS, WELL,
AS A SPECIALTY.
( men chuckling )
I FIGURED IF HE ME YOU OLD GUYS,
I COULD POSSIBLY
DISCOURAGE HIM FROM THAT.
( laughter )
SO YOU'RE GONNA BE
A DOCTOR, IS THAT IT?
WELL--
I'VE BEEN A TRADER FOR ALMOS
AND VERY SUCCESSFULLY, TOO,
I MIGHT ADD.
I LEFT MY FIRM LAST MONTH.
OH, I'M ROB VITRIOFF.
THEY ASKED ME TO STAY,
OF COURSE,
- BUT FOR WHAT, I ASK YOU?
- I THINK--
I CAN TRADE JUST AS WELL
AT HOME NOW WITH THE INTERNET.
MY TIME IS MY OWN.
DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M GETTIN' AT?
YES. YOU ONLY BORE
YOURSELF NOW.
GLENN HERE.
TRACY AUSPITZ.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
AND TRACY WAS A FORMER DEPUTY
ADMINISTRATOR FOR THE E.P.A.
HELPED DRAF THE U.S. CLEAN WATER AC BACK IN THE EARLY '70s.
- NO KIDDING.
- THANK GOD WE GO
SOME GOOD GUYS IN GOVERNMENT.
IT SURE AIN' THE MAJORITY
IN CONGRESS.
I SEE SAM BOTKIN IS BEING
HIS USUAL CHEERY SELF.
HIS COMPUTER PROGRAM DESIGNED
THE VERRAZANO BRIDGE.
HARRY ROSENTHAL.
HARRY IS A FORMER
MUSICAL DIRECTOR OF
THE METROPOLITAN OPERA.
YEAH?
I'M DAVID, A P.R. MAN
WITH A COUPLE OF CLIENTS LEFT.
WELCOME, DANIEL.
I'M BARRY.
NO LONGER THE YOUNGSTER
OF THIS GROUP.
ONLY 60. A BABY!
BUT DESPITE HIS YOUTH,
HE'S A FAMOUS
CLASSICAL SCHOLAR.
NOW THAT THAT'S
TAKEN CARE OF,
WHAT SHOULD WE
BEGIN WITH FIRST, HUH?
LET'S HUDDLE ON
OUR MAIN NEMESIS,
OUR CHILDREN.
DON'T GET ME STARTED
TALKING ABOUT MY CHILD CHUCKY.
HE'S SO INFANTILE.
NOW I CAN' SPEAK TO HIM,
OR EVEN MY GRANDDAUGHTER
CAROL ANYMORE.
WE USED TO GET TOGETHER FOR
GRANDDAD-GRANDDAUGHTER TIMES.
SHE WON'T SAY
TWO WORDS TO ME NOW.
HE'S GETTING DIVORCED,
AND HE'S STILL LIVING AT HOME.
IT'S TERRIBLE FOR CAROL.
SHE'S CAUGHT BETWEEN
HER PARENTS.
- YOU CAN'T HELP.
- NO.
I CAN'T HELP.
HE'S MY SON,
CAROL IS MY
GRANDDAUGHTER,
AND I CAN'T HELP.
I CAN ONLY WATCH.
AT LEAST WE'RE LUCKY
WE ALL HAVE CHILDREN
WE CAN RELY ON.
I DON'T HAVE
ANY CHILDREN
I CAN RELY ON.
MORTY, YOU GO TWO GROWN KIDS.
IF YOU'RE IN TROUBLE,
YOU CALL THEM.
YOU, JACK.
YOU I'LL CALL
IF I'M SICK,
NOT MY CHILDREN.
I HARDLY TALK TO THEM.
YOU ALL REMEMBER WHEN
I GOT BAR MITZVAHED AGAIN?
YOU ALL WERE THERE.
- YEAH.
- YES.
MY KIDS COULDN'T BELIEVE
THEY THOUGHT THEY WOULD BE
THE ONLY ONES
WHO WOULD BE THERE.
THERE'S YOUR SISTER
YOU COULD CALL
IF YOU WERE ILL.
HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO HER
IN OVER A YEAR.
AND FORGET ABOUT MY EX.
NOT ON SPEAKING TERMS.
( men chattering
and laughing )
IT'S NOT EASY NOT BEING
THE MAIN GUY ANYMORE.
WE ALL KNOW THA BY NOW.
( men continue
talking )
WELL, GENTLEMEN,
THAT DOES IT FOR TONIGHT.
WRITING THE NEX GREAT NOVEL?
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I AM.
ARE YOU WAITING FOR
YOUR FATHER, TOO?
YEP. SURE AM.
UM...
LAURA.
LAURA. ONE OF
MY FAVORITE MOVIES.
THE GORGEOUS STAR
WAS VERY NEARLY
AS CAPTIVATING AS YOU.
UH, RIGHT.
I DON'T BELIEVE
WE'VE MET BEFORE.
WHO'S YOUR DAD?
IT'S...
HIM.
GEE, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO MEET DR. BERNSTEIN'S SON.
NOW YOU HAVE.
LUCKY YOU AND LUCKIER ME.
WELL, HELLO, SWEETHEART.
DANIEL, I SEE YOU'VE ME MY DAUGHTER LAURA.
I'VE HAD THAT PLEASURE.
THANK YOU, DR. BERNSTEIN.
LISTEN, SWEETIE,
I THINK WE SHOULD
GET HOME RIGHT AWAY.
AND I'LL SEE YOU
TOMORROW, DANIEL.
T.T.F.N., DANIEL.
CAN'T CATCH A BREAK.
Driver: THERE HE IS,
MISS DAVIDSON.
AHA. HOW ARE YOU,
THOMAS?
AND HOW ARE
YOUR GRANDCHILDREN?
THEY'RE JUST DANDY,
PROFESSOR.
YOU'RE LOOKIN' MIGHTY FINE.
MAKIN' TIME WITH THE CO-EDS?
YOU MAKE ME BLUSH, SIR.
- YOU KNOW THOMAS?
- USUAL PLACE?
MORE SECRETS.
EVERYONE KNOWS
THIS MAN BUT ME.
AND WHERE ARE WE GOING?
I THOUGHT I WAS
TAKING YOU FOR LUNCH.
YOU DATE YOUR STUDENTS,
PROFESSOR BLACKMON?
THOMAS TEASES ME
BECAUSE HE KNOWS
I'M A CONFIRMED BACHELOR.
HE KNOWS THAT MEN MY AGE
AREN'T ONLY UNATTRACTIVE
TO YOUNGER WOMEN,
WE'RE INVISIBLE.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, THOMAS?
YES, PLEASE,
THE USUAL PLACE.
I THOUGHT, ZOE, WE WOULD
DINE WHERE YOUR FATHER
AND I USED TO SUP.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THE FINES OF NEW YORK'S HAUTE CUISINE.
- YASSOU.
- YASSOU FILE MOU.
HOW'S BUSINESS?
YOU BRING ME ALWAYS
GOOD LUCK, PROFESSOR.
( speaks Greek )
TWO OF THE USUAL, PLEASE.
THERE, ZOE.
SEE THE GORGEOUS GOLDEN
PYRAMIDAL ROOF,
AND THE SPLENDID
SPANDRELS?
IT'S THE 40-STORY NEW YORK
LIFE INSURANCE BUILDING.
DESIGNED BY CASS GILBER IN 1926.
THE INDIANA LIMESTONE,
THE GOTHIC STYLE.
AND AFTER TODAY, MY FAVORITE
ARCHITECTURE IN THE CITY.
AND WHY NOW YOUR FAVORITE?
BECAUSE IT'S
THE LIFE BUILDING,
AND ZOE MEANS LIFE
IN GREEK.
THIS WAS DELICIOUS,
PROFESSOR.
AH! WHAT TYPE OF LAW
DO YOU PRACTICE, ZOE?
A DIVORCE ATTORNEY.
AS YOUR FATHER'S DAUGHTER,
I'M SURE YOU DO YOUR BES
TO RECONCILE THE PARTIES
AND FIND HARMONY BETWEEN
THE HUSBAND AND WIFE.
I KNOW I'M NAIVE,
BUT I'M NOT A MODERN MAN.
I AM TERRIBLY
SORRY, PROFESSOR,
BUT I HAVE
AN APPOINTMENT.
CAN THOMAS TAKE YOU
ANYWHERE?
NO, NO, NO.
NOT AT ALL, DEAR.
I WAS ACTUALLY
PLANNING ON STROLLING
UP TO THE NEW YORK
PUBLIC LIBRARY TO STUDY
A RARE BOOK THEY HAVE
ON NORSE MYTHOLOGY.
BUT I DO LOOK FORWARD
TO SEEING YOU AGAIN,
WHENEVER YOU THINK YOU CAN
TOLERATE THE COMPANY
OF AN OLDER MAN.
SIXTY IS YOUNG,
PROFESSOR.
THE INTERNET.
I FORGET WE'RE ALL
SO PUBLIC NOWADAYS.
AND I AM YOUNG.
THANK YOU FOR NOTICING.
I SUPPOSE I JUS ACT THIS WAY SO
PEOPLE YOUR AGE
DON'T THINK ME FOOLISH.
WELL, ADIEU,
SWEET GIRL.
AND ZOE,
PLEASE CALL ME BARRY.
I DON'T CARE
WHO TALKS FIRST.
I JUST WANNA
HELP YOU.
OKAY. HELP ME WITH
YOUR DAUGHTER'S
TELEPHONE NUMBER.
TELL ME YOUR IMPRESSIONS
OF LAST NIGHT.
ROB IS HAVING DIFFICULTIES
DEALING WITH HIS LOSS
OF INFLUENCE AND CONTROL
OVER HIS SON'S LIFE.
YOU BRINGING HIM
TO SAY SO ALOUD
WAS VERY THERAPEUTIC.
GOOD WORK, DOCTOR.
HE NEEDS TO LE HIS GRANDDAUGHTER KNOW
IT'S OKAY IF THEY JUS SIT TOGETHER QUIETLY,
OR WATCH A MOVIE
WITHOUT SPEAKING.
SHE'LL COME AROUND
WHEN SHE'S READY.
TELL THE WHOLE FAMILY
TO TAKE TWO ASPIRIN
AND CALL ME
IN THE MORNING.
AMUSED.
STILL, YOU COULD BE
A TOP-NOTCH PSYCHIATRIST,
BUT INTELLEC IS NOT ENOUGH.
WHO SAID I WANNA
BE A SHRINK?
OR ANY KIND OF M.D.?
I KNOW FOR A FAC YOU WERE PRE-MED AT YALE,
AND YOU GOT INTO
EVERY MEDICAL SCHOOL
YOU APPLIED TO.
SO... WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
WHAT HAPPENED?
DIDN'T WANNA BE
ONE OF THOSE IDIOTS
GOING TO TRADE SCHOOL
TO FIX MENTAL FAUCETS.
I'D RATHER BE
A REAL PLUMBER.
SPEAKING OF PLUMBERS,
DID YOU EVER HEAR--
PLEASE STOP.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU,
AND STOP DEFENDING YOURSELF.
I'M NOT ATTACKING YOU.
YOU USE LANGUAGE
AS A WEAPON AND A SHIELD.
THE ONLY WAR
IS INSIDE OF YOU,
BUT WORDS CAN'T HELP.
I'M SURPRISED AT YOU.
DON'T YOU KNOW
THAT THERAPY
IS SUPPOSED TO TAKE
MONTHS, YEARS,
MAYBE FOREVER?
LAYING IT ALL
ON THE TABLE SO SOON
ISN'T IN THE PSYCHIATRIC
PLAYBOOK, IS IT?
THIS IS
NO GAME, DANIEL.
I'M NOT PLAYING
WITH YOUR LIFE.
NEXT TIME YOU JUMP
OFF A BRIDGE OR MIX
DRUGS WITH ALCOHOL,
YOU COULD PREVEN A BRILLIANT CAREER,
WITH A WIFE AND CHILDREN.
DEATH IS FOREVER.
IT CAN WAIT ITS TURN.
NOW TELL ME ABOU YOUR DEPRESSION.
WHAT ARE YOU,
SOME KIND OF MIND READER?
FIRST I'M A LOST LAMB
HEADSHRINKER.
NOW I'M A DEPRESSED NUT.
WHAT HAVE I GOT TO BE
DEPRESSED ABOUT ANYWAY?
I'VE GOT A TRUST FUND.
FRIENDS, A BEAUTIFUL
HOME AWAY FROM HOME
HERE IN ZOMBIEVILLE.
THIS... IS THE LIFE.
WHAT KIND OF LIFE
IS IT, HMM?
TRY STICKING TO
YOUR REGIMEN,
IF YOU POSSIBLY CAN.
THEN MAYBE YOU CAN
PULL YOUR LIFE TOGETHER AGAIN.
YEAH.
SURE.
WHY DO YOU ATTEMP SUICIDE?
WHY NOT?
I WAS TOP OF MY CLASS
AT PREP SCHOOL,
AND VALEDICTORIAN
AT YALE,
DESPITE MY HABIT.
THEN I NEEDED
MORE OF THE STUFF
AND MORE OFTEN.
FIRST FEW WEEKS
OF MED SCHOOL,
I WAS SO ZONKED,
I COULDN' GET OUT OF BED.
SO I DROPPED OUT.
WHAT SHOULD I DO
NOW, DOC?
SPEND MY LIFE
WHORING HALF THE TIME,
AND ASLEEP
THE OTHER HALF,
WHILE MY BUDDIES
HAVE REAL LIVES?
I SCREWED UP...
ROYALLY.
BEYOND HELP.
YOU HAPPY NOW, DOC?
NO, NO. I'M NOT HAPPY.
AND YOU'RE NO BEYOND REDEMPTION.
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW, DANIEL.
THAT'S IT?
CARL ROGERS SAID,
WHEN I CAN ACCEPT MYSELF
AS I AM,
I CAN CHANGE.
I KNEW IT.
YOU ARE A CARL ROGERS
DISCIPLE.
HE WAS MY MENTOR.
WE PUBLISHED A COUPLE
OF PEER REVIEW ARTICLES
TOGETHER.
WE WERE CLOSE FRIENDS,
AND COLLEAGUES.
YOU'RE A CLOSE FRIEND
AND COLLEAGUE OF CARL ROGERS.
YES.
( phone ringing )
AHOY THERE, MATEY.
PRETTY ROUGH SEA YOU FOUND
YOURSELF IN. YOU OKAY?
ARGH, COULDN'T BE BETTER,
ME HEARTY.
'TWAS THE GROG
THAT DID ME IN, YOU SCURVY DOG.
I THINK IT WAS THE WENCH
THAT KEELHAULED YOU, DANDY MAN.
WE MISSED YOU AT MY QUOTIDIAN
BASH LAST NIGHT, OLD BEAN.
A CERTAIN TEMPTRESS
WANTS ANOTHER SHOT AT YOU.
YOU THINK CHARLIE WOULD
EVEN TALK TO ME AGAIN?
TALK ISN'T WHAT'S
ON HER MIND.
YEAH? WILL SHE BE THERE
SATURDAY NIGHT?
WITH BELLS ON
HER CLOVEN TOES.
I DON'T KNOW.
I PROBABLY SHOULD
SIT THIS ONE OUT, BRUCIE.
HAVING YOUR STOMACH PUMPED
ISN'T THE FUN
THAT IT'S
MADE OUT TO BE.
- HI.
- NOT A PROBLEM, DANDY.
YOU SHOULD
SIT THIS ONE OUT.
I'LL JUST TELL HER
THAT YOU CONSIDER HER
AN UNWORTHY SLU
AND SHE OUGHTA
TAKE UP WITH ME AGAIN.
WITH YOU?
YEAH. THERE'S NO
READY TOMATO
LIKE THE ONE REBOUNDING
FROM PUKE ON HER DRESS.
OKAY, PAL. YOU'VE
SWEET-TALKED ME INTO
ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR
LOWBROW SOIREES.
YOU DON'T HAPPEN TO KNOW
A GIRL
BY THE NAME OF
LAURA BERNSTEIN, DO YOU?
HOW WOULD YOU COME
TO KNOW THE NAME OF
AN HONEST WOMAN?
I'M WAITING, BRUCIE.
YOU WON'T LIKE ME
WHEN I'M ANGRY.
I DON'T MUCH
LIKE YOU NOW.
UH, WELL, LAURA AND CHARLIE
WERE BUDDIES AT THE SORBONNE.
QUITE THE BUDDING
LITERARY LION, I HEAR.
BESIDES HER DARLING FACE,
LAURA'S A CONSUMMATELY
DECENT WOMAN.
NOT AT ALL YOUR TYPE,
DANDY MAN.
WHAT'S HER NUMBER?
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I COULD ASK CHARLOTTE
TO BRING LAURA
TO THE PARTY.
DON'T BE AN ASS.
ASK CHARLIE FOR THE NUMBER,
AND DON'T TELL HER
IT'S FOR ME.
I'LL CATCH YA LATER.
- BERTRAND!
- COMING, SIR.
BERTRAND, CALL
HAMPTON CATERING.
TELL THEM TO DOUBLE THE AMOUN OF PERRIER-JOUET FOR SATURDAY.
AND TELL PIROT TO BRING
EXTRA SNOW FOR DAN TOPLER.
OKAY, MORTY,
WHY DON'T YOU
START THE MEETING?
AS YOU ALL KNOW,
JACK HAS TO HAVE SURGERY
FOR THE TUMOR THEY FOUND
LAST MONTH,
AND JACK, WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE IT FROM THERE, HUH?
ACTUALLY, THEY FOUND
TWO TUMORS
TWISTED AROUND
MY KIDNEY.
THEY'RE GONNA SCHEDULE
SOME MORE TESTS,
AND MY OPERATION WILL BE
SOON AFTER.
BUT WHAT SCARES ME MOS IS THE FACT THAT,
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS
OF BEING A DOCTOR,
I'M JUST A STRANGER,
ANOTHER PATIENT IN
A HOSPITAL
I NEVER EVEN VISITED.
I ALMOST NEVER
LOSE PHONE NUMBERS,
BUT WHAT CAN I SAY?
THE PRESSURES OF
DAILY LIFE,
THE CORPORATE
BOARD MEETINGS,
THE PRESS INTERVIEWS,
ET CETERA, ET CETERA.
THEY SUCK THE LIFE
OUT OF YOU.
SO PLEASE,
GIVE IT TO ME AGAIN.
NOT TOO FAST,
'CAUSE I'M A LITTLE SLOW.
ACTUALLY,
YOU'RE AS FAS AS THEY COME.
AND SINCE WE'RE
BROTHER AND SISTER,
WHY DON'T YOU ASK
OUR FATHER IF YOU'VE
FORGOTTEN THE NUMBER.
AH, YES.
MY LITTLE FIB.
WHAT DID DADDY-O
SAY ABOUT ME?
DADDY-O DIDN'T SAY
ANYTHING AT ALL.
WHAT SHALL WE SAY?
( sighs )
I'M A PATIENT OF
DR. BERNSTEIN'S
AT LIVE FREE
OR DIE.
I'M HERE A THE NEW BEGINNINGS MEETINGS
TO WITNESS THE REAL
DIFFICULTIES AND PLEASURES
OF LIFE AND AGING.
I'M FORBIDDEN
TO DRINK ALCOHOL
OR TAKE DRUGS.
THE MIXTURE, WITH MY MEDICINE,
MIGHT KILL ME.
CONCISE CONFESSION
AND SELF-ANALYSIS.
THAT'S EXCELLENT,
DANIEL.
HONEY, I GOTTA GO.
I GOTTA GET UP
EARLY TOMORROW, OKAY?
YOUR NUMBER, LAURA?
LOOK, I WANNA
TALK TO YOU.
YOU'RE MY PATIENT,
AND YOU'RE STILL
IN DANGER, IT SEEMS TO ME.
FURTHERMORE, THIS IS
NOT THE TIME TO PURSUE
ROMANTIC INTERESTS.
YOU DON'T THINK
I'M FIT TO SEE
YOUR DAUGHTER, DOC?
IS THAT IT?
THAT'S EXACTLY IT.
STAY AWAY FROM HER.
ARE YOU SPEAKING
AS MY DOCTOR OR
HER FATHER?
BOTH, FRANKLY.
ALL RIGHT, HONEY,
LET'S GO.
AH, PATIENTS ARE FUNNY,
DANIEL TOPLER.
YOU KNOW ME?
THE DOCTORS KNOW
ALL THE GUESTS.
YA KNOW, WE HAVE TO
CALL THEM THAT.
GOD FORBID, WE CALL
THEM PATIENTS.
SIT DOWN.
WHY ARE WE FUNNY, DOC?
PLEASE.
CALL ME DOCTOR.
WHY FUNNY?
( chuckles )
FOR EXAMPLE,
I HAVE THIS ONE...
GUES
WHO NEVER ARRIVES
ON TIME.
HE'S A CONTROL FREAK.
COMING LATE IS A WAY
OF SHOWING ME
THAT HE CALLS THE SHOTS
AROUND HERE.
HAVE I JOINED
THE MEDICAL STAFF?
SO, AT OUR
LAST MEETING,
I SAY TO HIM WHEN HE
COMES IN 20 MINUTES LATE,
"YOU'RE A BIT TARDY.
WHY DO YOU THINK
THAT IS?"
BY THE TEXTBOOK
PROFESSIONAL
WITH ALL THAT RIGMAROLE
I LEARNED AT HARVARD
MEDICAL SCHOOL.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
WHY, HE SAYS,
"I'M NOT LATE AT ALL."
THAT'S WHA THAT NUT SAYS.
CAN YOU IMAGINE IT?
WELL, SOME OF US HERE
ARE IN NEED OF PSYCHIATRIC
HELP, I'M TOLD.
( laughs )
THEN WHAT DID
YOU SAY?
YOU SEE?
THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
HMM.
YOU PATIENTS
TAKE LIBERTIES.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I SAID.
"MY TIME HERE
IS VALUABLE.
"I CAN'T WASTE IT WAITING FOR
HALF-WITS LIKE YOU
TO WANDER IN
WHEN THEY FEEL LIKE IT."
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
PRETTY STRONG STUFF.
NOW,
THIS... THIS...
PATIENT... UH,
PATIENT SAYS...
( exhales loudly )
THIS PATIENT SAYS,
"20 MINUTES IS NOTHIN'."
SO I SAY TO HIM,
"MAYBE 20 MINUTES
IS NOTHIN' TO YOU,
LARS, GODDAMN IT--"
NEVER MET A LARS
I DIDN'T LIKE.
THE GOOD LORD JEHOVAH
MADE THE EARTH
IN SEVEN DAYS!
- SIX, REALLY.
- AND 20 MINUTES
IS ENOUGH TIME TO FILL
THE WATERS WITH FISHES
AND MAKE THIS BREATH
SINNER SCREAM.
OR MY NAME ISN' DR. JACOB Q. BERNSTEIN.
I'M GLAD I FOUND
YOU, LARS.
DANIEL, YOU'LL HAVE TO
EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT.
I HAVE TO HAVE
A BRIEF CHA WITH THIS GUEST.
SORRY I'M A BI TARDY, JACK.
BUT I THINK I'M ONLY
THAT'S ALL RIGHT, LARS.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
TWENTY MINUTES IS
NOTHING, NOTHING.
COME.
( rueful chuckling )
WOW!
GOODY GOODY.
RORSCHACH TEST.
DO I GET TO LOOK A PICTURES OF VAGINAS?
( clears throat )
TELL ME THE FIRST THING
THAT COMES TO YOUR MIND.
SEX.
FIRST YOU HAVE TO
LOOK AT THE INKBLOT.
IT WON'T CHANGE.
IT'LL STILL BE SEX.
LOOK, I AM TRYING
TO HELP YOU.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TRY TO BE GOOD.
THANK YOU.
WELL?
WHICH PART OF THE PICTURE
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO X-RAY?
DO YOU THINK
THAT MAKES A DIFFERENCE?
OBSERVING THE PROJECTION
OF MY PERSONALITY
ONTO THE PICTURE
IS THE POINT OF
THE TEST, IS IT NOT?
YES, THAT'S CORRECT.
OBVIOUSLY, YOU'VE BEEN
DOING SOME READING
ABOUT THE SUBJECT.
WELL, THEN, ARE YOU
INTERESTED IN THE ANAL PAR
OF MY PERSONALITY,
WHICH DEALS WITH
ONE PORTION OF
THE INKBLOT?
PERHAPS I SHOULD FOCUS ON
THE TERRIFYING SAVAGE FORMS
ON THE LOWER HALF.
THAT TELLS US IF
I'M ALIENATED.
JUST TELL ME WHA THE WHOLE PICTURE SAYS
TO YOU, WOULD YOU PLEASE?
IT'S A PORCUPINE.
OH! AT LAST,
SOME COOPERATION.
AND WHAT IS
THE PORCUPINE DOING?
IT'S PLAYING WITH
ITS VAGINA.
( grunting)
WHAT A LAME EXCUSE
TO INVITE HIM OVER
SO SOON.
I WOULD BE DELIGHTED,
MY DEAR.
I LOOK FORWARD TO DINING
WITH YOU THIS EVENING
AT 9:00.
SOUNDS SO FORMAL
AND OLD-FASHIONED.
WHAT AN ASS I AM.
I JUST WANNA THANK YOU
FOR THE WONDERFUL LUNCH
YESTERDAY.
GOD! IT COULDN'T HAVE
SOUNDED MORE LIKE
A HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH.
HE MUST THINK
I'M AN OVERGROWN TEENAGER.
MUST BE SOME SORT OF
CHARITY CASE FOR ZOE.
AN ACADEMIC ODDITY.
PERFECT FOR RIDICULE.
I'M SUCH A FOOL
TO BE INFATUATED.
( knocking on door )
- COME IN.
- ( door opens )
OOH LA LA!
WHO MIGHT THIS BE?
I DON'T KNOW, PROFESSOR.
I THINK I MIGHT PREFER YOU
IN YOUR COMFORTABLE
TEACHING DUDS
THAN THIS STYLISH
TAILORED SUIT.
I'D GLADLY WEAR ANYTHING
THAT PLEASES YOU, DEAR ZOE.
THIS BOTTLE IS FOR YOU.
THANK YOU.
I'VE BEEN SAVING THAT WINE
FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION.
IT'S FROM A VINEYARD
ON SANTORINI ISLAND
IN THE AEGEAN SEA
JUST NORTH OF CRETE.
BUT THE ISLAND'S
ANCIENT NAME, CALISTA,
SUITS YOU BETTER.
AND WHY IS THAT,
PROFESSOR?
PLEASE, CALL ME BARRY.
BECAUSE CALISTA MEANS
"THE FAIREST ONE."
OH, YOU'RE SO SWEET...
BARRY.
BUT I PROMISED TO SHOW YOU
HOW TO USE
YOUR FATHER'S TELESCOPE.
THIS IS A GALAXY
WITH A GLOBAL
POSITIONING SYSTEM.
AT NIGHT, YOU CAN SEE
THE RINGS OF SATURN.
DURING THE DAY,
DAZZLING SUNSPOTS.
IT HAS A PRECISION
FRONT CORRECTOR LENS.
YOU KNOW EVERYTHING.
THAT'S THE M.I.T. NERD
IN ME, ZOE.
PAY NO ATTENTION.
WITH A LENS LIKE THIS,
THERE'S VIRTUALLY
NO DISTORTION IN THE OPTICS.
IS THERE ANYTHING
YOU DON'T KNOW, BARRY?
WHEN I LOOK AT YOU, ZOE,
I REALIZE I DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING AT ALL.
All: DANDY DAN!
MAYBE I'VE HAD
ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE.
WE HAVE SURPRISE FOR YOU.
- HEY, DANDY DAN.
- WHOA!
- HELLO.
- I LIKE YOUR JACKET.
BETTER AND BETTER.
THANK YOU.
I THINK I LIKE
YOUR JACKET BETTER OFF.
OKAY. SOME PARTY.
I THINK I'D LIKE
THIS BETTER OFF, TOO.
( laughter )
I THINK YOU
DESERVE A DRINK.
- NO.
- COME ON.
Daniel: NO. NO!
I DON'T WANT IT.
CHARLOTTE, LAURA.
WHAT A SURPRISE.
- COME ON, JUST...
- NO.
- JUST A LITTLE SIP.
- NO!!
CATCH A RIDE HOME, CHARLIE.
DID I THANK YOU
FOR SAVING MY LIFE,
BY THE WAY?
YOUR DAD SAYS THE LITTLE
BITTY RED ONES CAN BE
FATAL WITH ALCOHOL.
IT'S GOOD MATERIAL
FOR MY NOVEL,
EVEN IF IT COST ME
MY FAVORITE BLOUSE.
AND NOW, I FEAR,
YOUR BRA AND UNDIES.
THANK YOU, DR. BERNSTEIN,
FOR SHOWING ME HOW
DANNY IS DOING.
HE'S MAKING MUCH BETTER
PROGRESS THAN I'D HOPED
FOR, MR. TOPLER.
WOW! I SEE WHA YOU MEAN, DOCTOR.
IS THAT PART OF
THE TREATMENT?
( gasps )
NO, THAT'S NO PART OF THE TREATMENT.
THAT'S MY DAUGHTER.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE
DANIEL AGAIN EVER.
WHAT ARE YOU
LOOKING AT?
( line ringing )
- LAURA.
- DAN.
- I'M SORRY.
- I'M SORRY.
WHAT IF DADDY
SENDS YOU TO PRISON?
IT WOULDN'T BE
PROFESSIONAL OF HIM
TO TAKE HIS FEELINGS OU ON ME.
AM I EVER GONNA
SEE YOU AGAIN?
TONIGHT, LOVER.
I'M WRITING MY OWN STORY
FOR A CHANGE.
BUT TURN YOUR ALARM ON
THIS TIME, DUMMY.
( laughs )
WHOO-HOO!
SO HOW DO YOU KNOW
THE DANDY MAN?
THE DANDY MAN?
THE STUD YOU STOLE
FROM ME AT BRUCE'S.
DAN TOPLER.
THAT'S THE GUY
YOU'VE BEEN STALKING?
DANNY'S ALL YOURS, LAURA.
I HAVE OTHER FISH
TO FRY JUST NOW.
WHAT HAPPENED, CHARLIE?
DAN'S NOT UP TO
YOUR LEVEL OF
COMPETITION?
- FOR NOW.
- FOR NOW?
MMM. I MIGHT NOT BE
THROUGH WITH HIM JUST YET.
AND YOU? ARE YOU STILL
A CHASTE ALBEIT SMUTTY WRITER
AFTER YOU DRAGGED
THE DANDY MAN FROM ME?
- NO.
- OOH, START TO SHOVEL.
I AM ALL EARS FOR THE DIRT.
IT'S KIND OF
EMBARRASSING.
YOU KNOW DAN
AS WELL AS I DO.
EMBARRASSING SOUNDS STRANGE
COMING FROM A NICE JEWISH GIRL
WHO STRIPS IN FRON OF DRUGGIES AND DRAGS
A HALF-NAKED MAN
OUT THE DOOR.
WE WENT TO HIS... PLACE.
YES, GO ON.
DID HE FUCK YOU?
- CHARLIE, HOW CAN YOU
TALK LIKE THAT?
- OH, COME ON!
YOU USE MY EVERY WORD
IN YOUR NOVELS.
FROM NOW ON, I AM WRITING
STORIES WITH MATERIAL
FROM MY OWN LIFE,
NOT YOURS ANYMORE.
BRUCE CALLED AND INVITED ME
TO KEEP COMING TO AS MANY
PARTIES AS I LIKE.
I DON'T THINK
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, LAURA.
THAT CROWD'S INTO
HARD DRUGS, NO JUST DRINKING.
- YOU PARTY WITH 'EM.
- BUT I CAN PROTECT MYSELF.
BRUCE INVITES LOWLIFES
FOR ATMOSPHERE.
IT AMUSES HIM TO HAVE
GUYS LIKE PIROT AROUND,
BUT THEY CAN
BE DANGEROUS.
DAN'S JUST A HARMLESS
PREPPY BY COMPARISON.
AND WHAT MAKES YOU
SUCH AN EXPERT ON DANNY?
I'M NOT AN EXPER ON HIM, LAURA.
YOU'RE JEALOUS,
BECAUSE HE WANTS ME
AND NOT YOU.
NOW HE'S
THE INVINCIBLE ONE.
NO MAN IS INVINCIBLE.
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
YOU WERE CHARLOTTE'S
LOVER, DAN.
LAURA.
MAYBE I SHOULD SEE
IF SHE'S OKAY.
THAT PSYCHO'S BEEN
CHASING HER.
YOU'RE A PATIEN HERE, REMEMBER, DAN?
THIS ISN'T THE TEMPLE
MEETINGS WHERE MY FATHER
LETS YOU PRETEND TO BE
A MEDICAL STUDENT.
THEY HAVE PSYCHIATRISTS,
REAL PSYCHIATRISTS,
WHO CAN HELP HER.
Girl: STOP FOLLOWING ME.
WE'RE GONNA
TALK ABOUT THIS.
FOR ME, IT HAS TO BE NOW.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK,
DREAMBOAT.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
TALK ABOUT IT?
I'M A DOCTOR.
NO, LARS,
SHE WOULDN'T.
WOULD YOU TWO OLD GUYS
JUST BEAT IT?
Both: OLD GUYS?
YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY
ON THE OUTSIDE OF THIS ZOO
LOOKIN' IN A GLASS WINDOW,
ARE YOU, MY BOY?
YOU BETTER DROP
THAT DOCTOR CRAP, LARS.
THEY'LL PUT YOU IN
A REAL JAIL.
I'M A REAL DOCTOR,
YOUNG MAN.
I TOLD YOU.
A PSYCHOANALYST.
SUCH HORSESHIT.
A DAZED, DIRECTIONLESS
DRUG ADDICT,
WHO'S NEVER DONE
A LICK OF WORK,
KNOWS WHAT'S REAL?
BUT, YOU KNOW,
MANY PSYCHIATRISTS
CHOOSE THEIR CAREERS
TO SOLVE
THEIR OWN PROBLEMS.
JACK BERNSTEIN
OFTEN ASKS MY ADVICE
ABOUT CASES.
GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF
BEFORE YOU CRITICIZE ME,
YOU JUNKIE.
AT LEAST I'M A HAS-BEEN,
NOT A NEVER-WERE
LIKE YOU... DANDY MAN.
ISN'T THA WHAT THEY CALL YOU?
HELEN, THAT FRUITCAKE LARS
CLAIMS HE'S A REAL SHRINK.
FORMER CHIEF PSYCHIATRIS AT BELLEVUE.
REALLY? WHAT HAPPENED?
ONE DAY, HE WAS
PICKED UP STANDING IN
BLOOMINGDALE'S WINDOW.
( horns honking,
people exclaiming )
( siren approaching )
OH!
OH, NO.
- HI.
- HEY.
THESE ARE PICTURES
OF MY EX-WIFE MILDRED.
WHY SO MANY?
I SET FIRE TO ONE
EACH NIGHT, MAY SHE
REST IN PEACE.
WHEN DID SHE DIE?
I'M STILL WAITING.
( laughter )
WELL, ON THAT NOTE,
SUPPOSE WE DISCUSS
DEPRESSION TONIGHT, ALL RIGHT?
I GOT LAID OFF
MY FIRST JOB
AT A COLLEGE.
I COULDN'T FIND
WORK FOR MONTHS.
I FELT LIKE
A FAILURE.
MY CONSULTING WITH
LIVE FREE OR DIE
CERTAINLY HELPED ME
OVERCOME THE FEAR I HAD
FOR MY UPCOMING SURGERY.
WHO'S GONNA LEAD
THE DISCUSSIONS DURING...
WHILE YOU'RE
RECUPERATING, JACK?
DAN HAS VOLUNTEERED,
IF IT'S ALL RIGH WITH YOU FELLAS.
( all agreeing )
- WHAT?
- I THINK
THAT'S GREAT, DAN.
WE COULD USE SOME
YOUNG BLOOD IN
THESE MEETINGS.
( stammering )
THANKS FOR THE TOTALLY
UNDESERVED VOTE OF
CONFIDENCE, MEN.
( laughter )
SINCE MY OPERATION'S
COMING UP PRETTY SOON,
WHY DON'T YOU
START TONIGHT, HUH?
UH...
DEPRESSION...
UH, CAN HIT ANYONE
AS WE GROW OLDER.
( chuckling )
OKAY, OKAY. I'M NO AS OLD AS YOU ARE.
NOT BY HALF.
YEAH, WE'RE NOT YOUNG
AND HEALTHY ANYMORE.
WELL, YOU'D BE SURPRISED.
EVEN AT MY AGE...
LIFE'S NOT EASY.
I HAVE TO FORCE MYSELF
TO GET OUT OF BED.
YA KNOW? NOT GE DRAGGED DOWN
BY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS.
FIGURE OUT...
WHY I SHOULD LIVE
EACH DAY.
I HAD DEPRESSION!
WELL, THANK YOU
FOR SHARING THAT, SAM.
IS THAT OPERATION
ON YOUR LEG GETTIN' YOU DOWN?
I CAN'T WALK ANYWHERE
WITHOUT THIS ANYMORE.
I'M BORED.
BORED TO DEATH.
DO YOU SEE
YOUR GRANDCHILDREN?
I WISH I HAD
GRANDCHILDREN.
I'M JUST A LONELY
BACHELOR NOW.
WHY LONELY? I BE THERE'S PLENTY OF WOMEN
WHO'D LIKE TO SHARE
YOUR COMPANY.
NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT,
I DO SEE WOMEN LOOKIN' AT ME.
YEAH. THEY WONDER
WHAT'S KEEPING YOU
FROM FALLING DOWN.
YOU PUTZ.
I SAW YOU READING.
BEEN TRYING TO RAISE FUNDS
FOR A NEW LIBRARY FOR
OVER TWO YEARS NOW.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
A LIBRARY WOULD BE
A GOOD PLACE
FOR YOU TO MEET A WOMAN.
IT'S A LITTLE SILLY,
DON'T YOU THINK,
FOR ME TO STAR DATING AGAIN?
YOU KNOW, MORTY,
I KNOW A VERY ATTRACTIVE
SINGLE WOMAN,
THE ATHLETIC DIRECTOR
AT LIVE FREE OR DIE,
LOOKIN' FOR
A MAN LIKE YOU.
- ATHLETIC, HUH?
- OH, YEAH.
I COULD INTRODUCE YOU.
INTRODUCE ME,
FOR CHRIST SAKE?
FOR 40 YEARS,
I'VE BEEN MAKING
INTROS FOR OTHERS
AS A CONSULTANT.
IF A BABE WANTS
TO GLOM A REAL MAN,
I'M THE GUY.
OKAY, SUIT YOURSELF.
I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
WHENEVER.
SOME ROTTEN FRIEND
YOU ARE.
ROTTEN IS WHA I DO BEST, OLD CHUM.
WHAT SEEMS TO BE
THE PROBLEM?
WELL, LET'S START WITH
ATTEMPTED MURDER
WHEN YOU TRIED TO
PLY ME WITH MARTINIS
IN THE CASTLE CHAMBER
UPSTAIRS LAST SATURDAY.
WHY WOULD I MURDER YOU
WHEN YOU'RE DOING
SUCH A BONNIE GOOD JOB
OF DOING IT YOURSELF?
YOU SET ME UP, BRUCE.
LAURA AND CHARLIE
ARRIVING IN THE ROOM
AT THE EXACT MOMEN
I'M SET UP AS
AN OBJECT OF RIDICULE
FOR YOUR DRUGGIE
HANGERS-ON.
LAURA WASN' SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.
NOT EVEN YOU, MY FRIEND,
CAN TELL ME WHOM
I CAN INVITE IN
MY OWN HOME.
SO WHAT'S YOUR COMPLAINT?
I'M SURE YOU NAILED LAURA,
WHO, BY THE WAY,
LIES UPSTAIRS NEXT TO
THE CHIPSTER
WITH SEVERAL LINES
IN HER NOSTRILS.
- I WONDER IF
HE'S DRILLED HER YET.
- I'LL BREAK HIM IN HALF.
DAN, DON'T DO
ANYTHING STUPID.
( Laura giggling )
DANDY MAN.
HOW'S TRICKS?
DANDY MAN, YOU'RE
A HELL OF A LOT STRONGER
THAN ONE MIGHT THINK.
WELL, CLARK KENT,
I GUESS THAT MAKES
ME LOIS LANE, HUH?
GET DRESSED.
DO I GET TO SEE
THE ICE CASTLES
LIKE IN SUPERMAN 3?
SUPERMAN 2.
WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER HERE
AND PROVE YOU'RE A MAN OF STEEL.
WHEN DID YOU GIVE UP READING
THE NEW YORKER FOR HUSTLER?
PUT YOUR DRESS ON.
AH, SCREW YOU, DAN.
YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN
ALL THIS TIME IF YOU'RE
SO DAMN HOT FOR ME?
LET'S ASK YOUR FATHER
THESE QUESTIONS RIGH NOW, WHY DON'T WE?
SEE WHAT HE HAS TO SAY
ABOUT HIS DAUGHTER
SNIFFING BLOW.
DON'T DO THAT.
MY FATHER'S TOO ILL.
IT WOULD KILL HIM.
I'M GOING.
WE'RE GOING.
THIS IS OUR RELATIONSHIP?
MARKET RESEARCH
FOR THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL?
"THE ARMED AND DANGEROUS
POVERTY-STRICKEN BOY
"COULDN'T WAIT TO
RELIEVE HIS LUST.
"HE FORCED HER INTO
A NEARBY MOTEL
"WHERE HE RAVISHES
THE STUNNING BRALESS
AND NEARLY UNCONSCIOUS
AUTHOR."
WELL, I AM... OOH!
UNEMPLOYED, BUT I WOULDN' EXACTLY CALL MYSELF
DESTITUTE, LAURA.
AND WHO WANTS
TO RAVISH WHO?
RAVISH WHOM?
AND GO GET YOUR OWN JOB
IF YOU CAN.
THIS IS NONE OF
YOUR BUSINESS.
YOU KNOW I'M CRAZY
ABOUT YOU, DON'T YOU, LAURA?
YOU ARE CRAZY. PERIOD.
BUT NOT ONLY
IN A BAD WAY.
LET'S TALK.
IS TALK
THE FOUR-LETTER WORD
YOU HAD IN MIND?
DR. BERNSTEIN WAS TAKEN
TO THE HOSPITAL.
HE'S IN SEVERE PAIN.
LET ME HAVE
MY CAR KEYS, HELEN.
DR. HEINE HAS 'EM, HONEY.
( knocking on door )
PLEASE ENTER.
A VERY GOOD AFTERNOON
TO YOU, DR. HEINE.
I'M DANIEL TOPLER--
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
OKAY. BEFORE YOU LEAVE
FOR THE WEEKEND,
I THOUGHT I WOULD COME IN
AND GET ACQUAINTED.
LET YOU KNOW ABOU THE ROUTINE
THAT DR. BERNSTEIN
AND I HAVE.
I WAS SAD TO HEAR
OF HIS ILLNESS.
PROBABLY WON' MAKE IT, I IMAGINE.
- YOU GOT A LO OF NERVE--
- YES.
WELL, I WOULD LIKE
TO PAY HIM A VISIT.
WHILE I'M HERE, I WOULD
LIKE TO GET THE KEYS TO MY CAR
OR MY MONEY IN THE SAFE
FOR A CAB.
OUT OF THE QUESTION.
THANK YOU FOR
COMING, DANIEL.
WE WILL BE SEEING
A GREAT DEAL OF EACH OTHER,
BUT YOU MUS LEAVE NOW.
AUF WIEDERSEHEN.
I DON'T THINK
THIS MEN'S GROUP YOU ATTEND
CAN HELP YOU.
SO YOU WON'T BE NEEDING
THE KEYS FOR THAT, EITHER.
HAVE A PLEASANT WEEKEND.
THAT SCARFY THING.
MY, OH, MY.
LOOK WHAT BIRD
THE CAT DRAGGED IN
FROM THE LOONEY BIN
NEXT DOOR.
STILL FEELING HUFFY,
DANDY MAN, OR ARE YOU
JUST COMING TO THE BASH EARLY?
- LOOK, BRUCIE--
- SO IT'S BRUCIE
AGAIN, IS IT?
YOU GONNA THROW ME
OUT THE WINDOW, TOO?
ANY MORE OF THOSE
SHENANIGANS, OLD MAN,
AND I'LL BE FORCED
TO CROSS YOU OFF
MY INVITATION LIST.
I'M SORRY FOR
THE OTHER NIGHT.
WHAT HAPPENS TO ME
IS MY FAULT, NOT YOURS.
EXACTAMENT, MON AMI.
MY APOLOGIES
TO THE CHIPSTER.
POOR GUY COULDN' FORCE A LIFE-SIZE
PLASTIC DOLL
- TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM.
- HE'S TRIED, I ASSURE YOU.
BUT ENOUGH OF THAT.
WE'VE KNOWN
EACH OTHER FOREVER.
SO... YOU'RE HERE
TO CAROUSE NICELY
THIS TIME?
BRUCIE, DO YOU EVER
PARTAKE OF THE PIXIE DUS THAT YOU SERVE AT THE PARTIES?
ME? NO, NEVER
TOUCH THE STUFF.
NEVER?
DON'T YOU REMEMBER
THE VERY FIRST TIME
THE FOUR OF US
EVER BOUGHT SNOW TOGETHER
ON CHRISTMAS VACATION?
- WE ALL GOT RIPPED.
- HOW COULD I NOT REMEMBER?
YOU GOT SO STONED THA WE HAD TO CARRY YOU
TO THE PARKING GARAGE.
MM-HMM.
YOU BEGGED US
NOT TO TELL ANYONE,
OTHERWISE YOU MIGHT NO GET THE AWARD FOR
HEAD STUDENT AGAIN.
YOU WERE THE SCHOOL STAR.
IT WAS FUNNY TO SEE YOU
SO SPACED OUT.
BUT YOU TOOK SOME, TOO.
WE ALL DID.
NO, DANDY MAN.
ONLY YOU.
RONNIE, CHIPSTER AND I
ALL FAKED IT.
WE WERE TOO SCARED
TO TRY THE STUFF.
NONE OF THE FOUR OF US
HAVE EVER DUSTED OUR NOSES
WITH COKE BUT YOU, PAL.
I DO NEED A FAVOR.
BUT FIRST...
I WILL GIVE HIM
THE FAVOR.
THAT WON'T BE
NECESSARY, PIROT.
WHAT THE HELL
WAS THAT FOR?
THE DRUGS I'VE TAKEN
HAVE ALWAYS COME FROM YOU.
YOU COULD'VE BEEN
A BETTER FRIEND... BRUCIE.
YOU WERE ALWAYS
THE BRILLIANT ONE
IN SCHOOL, DAN.
EVERYTHING ALWAYS CAME
SO EASILY TO YOU.
AND I NEVER THOUGHT IT,
I SWEAR,
BUT MAYBE IT WAS
TO LEVEL THE PLAYING FIELD.
IS THAT SLUG TO MY CHIN
THE ONLY FAVOR YOU WANTED?
NO.
I NEED YOUR CAR.
AND SOME MONEY.
PIROT, INVITE THOSE TWINS
AGAIN FROM AMSTERDAM.
THEY WERE A BIG HIT.
( phone ringing )
Charlotte: WE HAVE UNFINISHED
BUSINESS, DANNY.
COME TO
150 CENTRAL PARK SOUTH.
CHARLOTTE'S
WAITING FOR YOU. COME NOW.
YES. COME NOW.
SO DAN THINKS
HE'S INVINCIBLE, DOES HE?
( knocking on door )
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
WE WERE GOING BOWLING, CHARLIE.
I WOULD'VE BROUGH MY OWN BALL.
NO MAN IS INVINCIBLE.
GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
LET'S DO LUNCH.
JUST VISITING.
BARRY'S NEXT.
( phone ringing )
Laura: DAN, WHERE ARE YOU?
I'M WORRIED.
HELEN SAID YOU LEF L.F.O.D. HOURS AGO.
I'M JUST STUCK IN
HEAVY TRAFFIC, LAURA,
BUT I'LL BE A THE HOSPITAL SOON.
BARRY, OPEN UP
THE DOOR NOW.
ZOE?
A PLEASANT SURPRISE,
EVEN AT THIS LATE HOUR.
( door buzzer buzzes )
YOU ARE GETTING LAID.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, ZOE?
YOU SEEM DISTRESSED.
NO. I SAID GET IN
THE BEDROOM NOW.
( chuckles )
YOU ARE GOING
TO BED ALONE.
DO NOT COME OU UNTIL THE MORNING.
I NEED SOME REST.
WOMEN.
Charlotte: IT WAS
SO SHITTY OF ME.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME, LAURA.
THAT WAS CHARLIE, HUH?
DID I EVER TELL YOU THE ONE
ABOUT THE TRAVELING SALESMAN
WITH THE BROKEN-DOWN CAR WHO
KNOCKS ON THE FARMHOUSE DOOR?
JUST LEAVE.
THE DOOR OPENS,
AND THE SALESMAN SAYS,
I SELL INSURANCE,
AND I NEED TO
- SLEEP HERE TONIGHT.
- GET OUT.
SECURITY? YES, THERE IS
A DANGEROUS INTRUDER
- IN MY FATHER'S ROOM.
- SO THE FARMER SAYS,
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
SLEEP WITH MY DAUGHTER,
OR WITH MY MAGIC PIG?
PLEASE ARREST THIS LUNATIC.
HE FORCED HIS WAY IN
MY FATHER'S ROOM.
WELL, THAT DEPENDS,
SAYS THE SALESMAN.
WHICH ONE CAN SIGN
THE PREMIUM CHECKS?
LAURA, I'D RATHER SLEEP WITH
THE DOCTOR'S DAUGHTER
THAN WITH HER
SORCERESS FRIEND.
JUST SIGN THE CHECK!
YOU KNOW, YOU ONLY GO YOURSELF TO BLAME,
BECAUSE I'M NO LEAVING HERE... EVER.
SUIT YOURSELF, ZOE DEAR.
YOU'LL BE COMMITTING YOURSELF
TO A BORING PROFESSOR'S LIFE
OF LECTURES ON
DEAD GREEK POETS,
TRIPS TO MOUNTAIN
OBSERVATORIES,
AND SEASON TICKETS
TO THE YANKEES.
AHA! THAT'S IT!
YOU'RE A GONER NOW
FOR SURE.
THIS IS YOUR LAS CHANCE TO BOLT, PROFESSOR.
I'M GONNA CALL THOMAS
AND HAVE HIM BRING
MY THINGS OVER.
ASK HIM TO PLEASE
BE CAREFUL WITH THAT TELESCOPE.
WHAT ELSE CAN THAT WITCH
CHARLOTTE DAVIDSON WANT FROM ME?
MAYBE YOU'RE NOT GONNA
GET TO KEEP YOUR
JOCKEY SHORTS, AFTER ALL.
I HIRED YOU AS
A LEGAL SHARK.
YOU TURNED OU TO BE A MINNOW!
( agonized screaming )
AL! AL, YOU OKAY?
MY PITY PITCH
HAS NEVER FAILED ME.
WATCH AND LEARN.
ALBERT, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
HARRIET, DARLING,
IS THAT YOU?
I CAN'T SEE.
OH, IT IS YOU.
HARRIET. HARRIET,
ALWAYS REMEMBER
THAT I LOVED YOU,
AND IN HEAVEN,
I WILL FORGIVE YOU.
- FORGIVE ME?
- YES.
YES, FORGIVE YOU,
BUT NOT YOUR
SHYSTER LAWYER.
CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I DON'T THINK THA WILL BE NECESSARY, ALBERT.
I THINK A LITTLE
MOUTH-TO-MOUTH RESUSCITATION
- WILL DO THE TRICK.
- YES, MOUTH-TO-MOUTH.
MOUTH-TO-MOUTH.
GO AHEAD AND
SAVE YOUR FRIEND.
HUH?
- WHO ME?
- YOU HEARD WHAT I SAID.
ALL RIGHT,
TAKE MY JOCKEYS.
HA HA. KEEP THEM ON.
I HAVE CHANGED MY DIVORCE
PRACTICE TO MEDIATION.
I WANNA TRY TO BRING
THE TWO OF YOU CLOSER AGAIN,
AS A COUPLE.
I NEVER WANTED
A DIVORCE,
OR THE MONEY.
BUT YOU NEEDED
A LESSON FOR HURTING ME.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
I NEVER LOVED
ANYONE BUT YOU, HONEYBUNCH.
I PROMISE, I'LL NEVER
LOOK AT ANOTHER WOMAN.
FOR ME NOW, A WOMAN
IS JUST LIKE A MAN...
A MAN WHO'S HAD A TRAGIC
BOATING ACCIDENT.
( phone ringing )
- LAURA?
- SHE'S ON HER
WAY TO L.F.O.D.
I'M SO SORRY, DAN.
I REALLY HOPE YOU GUYS
CAN GET BACK TOGETHER.
UH, THANKS, CHARLIE.
I TOLD YOU
NOT TO TALK TO ME.
THEN WHY ARE YOU
STANDING AROUND
WAITING FOR ME?
I WAS BEHIND THE TREE
WATCHING YOU.
GO FOR IT!
CHARLOTTE TAUGHT ME
HOW TO DO THAT.
OW. WELL, THANK HER
FOR ME, WOULD YA?
ALSO, KISS HER
LIKE THIS.
TELL HER WE'RE
ALL EVEN NOW.
WORLD WAR III IS OVER.
THIS DOESN'T CHANGE
ANYTHING BETWEEN US, DANNY.
YOU'RE STILL
A SELF-CENTERED,
UNFOCUSED, UNEMPLOYED
DRUGGIE.
AND THOSE ARE
MY GOOD POINTS.
COUPLES HAVE PROBLEMS,
BUT THEY WORK THEM OUT.
WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
EVERYTHING IS JUS FUN AND GAMES WITH YOU.
AND I STILL CAN' DISOBEY MY FATHER'S WISHES
ABOUT OUR SEEING
EACH OTHER.
WE'RE THROUGH.
AFTER TONIGHT.
YES!
I NEED A LIFT TO
THE MEN'S GROUP TONIGHT.
MAYBE AN INTRO TO
THAT ATHLETIC DAME FROM TOPLER
WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN
SUCH A BAD IDEA.
- Lars: MAY I HELP YOU?
- HUH?
YEAH, SURE.
YEAH, I'M LOOKING FOR
A DANIEL, UH...
UH...
OH, YES.
YOU MUST MEAN
DANIEL TOPLER.
YEAH, THAT'S HIM.
SAD CASE.
I'M HIS PHYSICIAN HERE.
OH, YEAH?
I HOPE I'M NO SPEAKING OUT OF TURN.
ARE YOU A RELATIVE?
NO, JUS AN ACQUAINTANCE KINDA.
WE'RE IN THE SAME
MEN'S CLUB.
I SEE, I SEE.
THEN PERHAPS YOU DON' NEED TO KNOW THE DETAILS
OF HIS HOMICIDAL
TENDENCIES.
ARE YOU SAYING
HE WANTS TO KILL PEOPLE?
SIR, PLEASE,
DON'T BE CONCERNED.
TO OUR KNOWLEDGE,
HE'S NEVER BEEN SUCCESSFUL.
ALTHOUGH,
WE CAN'T BE SURE.
I HAVE TO WATCH
MY WORDS.
A LITIGATION PRECAUTION.
OF COURSE, OF COURSE.
MAYBE I DON'T NEED
TO SEE HIM TODAY.
I CAN SEE
I'VE ALARMED YOU,
MISTER...
MAVIS. MORTY MAVIS.
MORTY MAVIS.
AH, MORTY.
MAY I CALL YOU THAT?
YES, PLEASE.
LISTEN, MORTY,
WHY DON'T WE SIT DOWN?
WELL, I DON'T HAVE
TOO MUCH TIME.
I'D LIKE TO SPEAK
CONFIDENTIALLY WITH YOU,
IF I MAY, MORTY.
WHY ARE YOU
REALLY HERE?
LOOK AT YOUR
ELEGANT CLOTHES,
AND YOUR OILY HAIR
CAREFULLY COMBED.
I CAN SMELL
A FRESHLY APPLIED
AFTERSHAVE LOTION.
YOU'RE HERE TO CHASE
SOME WOMAN, AREN'T YOU?
YOU REPROBATE.
IT CAN'T BE ONE OF
THE PUTRESCENT SCAGS
INCARCERATED
IN THIS HELL HOLE,
SO MUST BE
SOME STAFF MEMBER?
NOW LET ME THINK
WHO THE LUCKY LADY
MIGHT BE.
THAT'S ALL TRUE, YA KNOW,
BUT I ALSO, I'M LOOKING
FOR DANIEL TOPLER.
WHY AM I HERE?
CAN IT BE THA WE'RE ALL HERE
JUST TO WATCH TV,
PLAY SHUFFLEBOARD,
AND EAT THE CRAP
THEY SERVE IN THIS
BOOBY HATCH?
I'M NOT SURE
I FOLLOW YOU, DOCTOR.
YOU DO KNOW
LIVE FREE OR DIE
IS A REHABILITATION
CLINIC?
I HAVE HEARD SOMETHING
TO THAT EFFECT.
THE STAFF HAS TO
SUGARCOAT IT.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- THIS IS A NUT HOUSE.
OH.
AND THAT DANIEL TOPLER,
OH, LORD! HE'S THE BIGGES NUT HERE.
IS THAT THE KIND
OF FRIENDS YOU HAVE,
MORTON MAVIS?
YOU KNOW, I REALLY
HAVE TO BE GOING.
JUST STAY
WHERE YOU ARE,
MR. LOONEY TUNES FRIEND
OF DANIEL TOPLER'S.
SEE? SEE WHAT I MEAN,
JEHOVAH?
THE PERNICIOUS
TOPLER CONSPIRATOR,
LIKE THIS PATHETIC
SINNER,
ARE OFF THEIR ROCKERS!
AND HERE AM I,
DR. JACOB Q. BERNSTEIN...
BY COINCIDENCE,
I HAPPEN TO KNOW
A DR. JACOB Q. BERNSTEIN.
WILL YOU PLEASE
SHUT YOUR YAP?!
I'M THE SENIOR
NUTCRACKER HERE,
AND I HAVE TO PUT UP
WITH INSANE PATIENTS,
AND THEIR WACKO
VISITORS, TOO.
( shrieking )
OY!
SO ALBERT WENT BACK
TO HIS WIFE.
THAT LITTLE FAT RAT.
- MAY I HELP YOU, SIR?
- WHO THE HELL IS THAT GUY?
OH, YOU MEAN THE ONE
SUCKING ON THE GIANT BINKY?
YEAH, THAT MAMZER.
IT'S LARS.
HE'S A GUEST HERE.
HE'S HARMLESS.
HARMLESS.
UH, I'M LOOKING FOR
DANIEL TOPLER.
HE TOLD ME I COULD
GET TENNIS LESSONS
FROM THE ATHLETIC
CHEERLEADER HERE.
KIM NOVAK LOOKALIKE.
SOMEONE WHO MIGH POSSIBLY LOOK LIKE YOU,
- MISSUS, UH...
- MISS BUSHKIN.
I'M SURE DANNY
WAS TALKING ABOUT ME.
I AM THE ATHLETIC
DIRECTOR HERE A LIVE FREE OR DIE.
I'VE BEEN TOLD THA I RESEMBLE THE STAR
OF VERTIGO,
BUT IT WAS
SO MANY YEARS AGO.
HOW LONG AGO
COULD THAT HAVE BEEN?
I MEAN, YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF
GRADE SCHOOL.
WOULD YOUR WIFE
LIKE LESSONS, TOO?
WELL, SADLY,
MY WIFE AND I
HAVE BEEN DIVORCED
MANY YEARS,
AND, UH, I LIVE ALONE
IN A MANSION
WITH A GIANT, SUB-ZERO FRIDGE
WITH ICEMAKER, I MIGHT ADD.
OLYMPIC-SIZED
SWIMMING POOL.
GRASS TENNIS COURTS.
GRASS, HUH?
THAT MUST BE
VERY EXPENSIVE,
YOU POOR MAN.
SO WHEN WOULD YOU
LIKE YOUR LESSONS?
I'M ONLY FREE NIGHTS
AND WEEKENDS.
HOW ABOUT THIS WEEKEND?
I'LL GO AHEAD
AND CALL DAN.
- I DON'T KNOW...
- DAN TOPLER.
OOH, NO.
NO, DON'T BOTHER.
I DON'T NEED
THE KID NOW.
I FOUND WHAT I WANTED.
MEN, I HAVE TO
CONFESS SOMETHING.
I HOPE YOU'LL LET ME
CONTINUE TO COME.
I'M NOT A MEDICAL SCHOOL
STUDENT.
I'M A PATIENT OF JACK'S,
AND TRYING TO RECUPERATE
AT A REHAB CLINIC.
SO WHAT ELSE IS NEW?
YOU THINK JACK
WOULDN'T TELL HIS FRIENDS
THAT HE WAS BRINGING
SOME NUT CASE TO OUR MEETINGS?
( laughter )
YOU'RE DOING
A GREAT JOB AS
OUR NEW LEADER.
FORGET ABOUT IT.
GREAT. UH, THAT'S I FOR TONIGHT, GUYS.
DR. BERNSTEIN'S DAUGHTER
IS PICKING ME UP
AND TAKING ME TO THE HOSPITAL
AS A FAVOR TO HER DAD.
BULLSHIT.
I KNOW JACK'S
DAUGHTER LAURA.
LAURA BERNSTEIN.
OF COURSE.
I THOUGHT I RECOGNIZED
HER FROM THE FUNERAL.
YOU KNOW WHAT WAS
GOIN' ON IN THE CAR
THE OTHER NIGHT?
YOU AND LAURA,
YOU COULD'VE
CHARGED TICKETS.
WATCHED ALL THOSE FIREWORKS.
SO WHAT ELSE IS GOIN' ON
IN YOUR LIFE?
COME ON,
COME CLEAN WITH US.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND.
MAYBE A LOT MORE.
YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH HER,
IS THAT IT?
WELL, WE WERE IN
THE MIDDLE OF THIS FIGHT,
AND THIS FANTASTIC WOMAN--
- YOU MEAN LAURA?
NO, ANOTHER WOMAN
NAMED CHARLOTTE.
PRACTICALLY A HYPNOTIST.
SHE'S A DIVORCE ATTORNEY
AND GOOD BUDDY OF LAURA'S,
SCREWED MY BRAINS OU
FRIDAY NIGHT,
KICKS ME OUT OF HER
CENTRAL PARK PENTHOUSE,
AND THEN,
SHE TELLS LAURA!
( men exclaiming )
SO I'M IN DEEP DOO-DOO.
YOU'RE LAYIN'
YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S
BEST FRIEND?
THEY'RE YOUNG.
GO FIGURE IT OUT.
WAS THIS LAS FRIDAY NIGHT, DAN?
UH, YES.
WHY, BARRY?
NO REASON.
I'M JUST GETTING OLD,
AND SLOW TO REALIZE IT.
I'LL GIVE YOU A LIFT TO
THE TRAIN STATION, BARRY.
I THINK I'LL WALK.
THANK YOU, HARRY.
( tea kettle whistling )
HELLO, LOVE.
HOW'S THE ANCIENT ORDER
OF GRUMPY MEN?
I AM NO A MODERN MAN, ZOE.
I TOLD YOU THA IN THE PARK.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I KNOW YOU'RE
AN OLD FUDDY-DUDDY.
THAT'S WHY
I LOVE YOU.
ONE OF THE MEN
PRODDED A PATIEN OF JACK BERNSTEIN'S
ABOUT HIS PRIVATE LIFE.
DANIEL TOPLER.
I THINK YOU KNOW HIM.
BARRY...
HE DIDN'T MENTION
HER LAST NAME,
BUT SHE WAS A DELIRIOUSLY
MAGICAL WOMAN NAMED CHARLOTTE.
A DIVORCE ATTORNEY
WHO LIVED OVERLOOKING
CENTRAL PARK,
- DRAGGED HIM INTO
HER BEDROOM--
- BARRY, PLEASE.
- IF I TOLD YOU WHAT--
- PLEASE DON'T THINK ABOU ANYBODY BUT US.
WE'RE ALL THAT COUNTS.
I'M SELLING MY FATHER'S
BUSINESS.
I'M CHANGING
MY LAW PRACTICE,
JUST TO BECOME A WOMAN
YOU CAN BE PROUD OF.
I'M NOT THE SAME
PERSON ANYMORE.
- I KNOW--
- PLEASE DON'T EXPLAIN.
YOU'RE A YOUNG
AND BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, ZOE.
IT'S NOT FOR ME
TO JUDGE.
I JUST CAN'T TAKE PAR IN THE LIFE YOU'RE
ENMESHED IN.
YOU WILL NEVER KNOW
HOW MUCH YOU'VE MEANT TO ME.
OH, COME ON, BARRY.
HEAR ME OUT, WON'T YOU?
NO. PLEASE.
EXTEND TO THOMAS MY MEA CULPA
FOR MOVING YOUR THINGS AGAIN.
THIS WAS MY FAULT, ZOE.
PUT HIM IN A STRAITJACKET.
I TOLD YOU NO TO LEAVE HERE.
YOU'RE GOING
STRAIGHT TO PRISON THIS TIME.
OKAY, GO!
HEAD FOR THE HOSPITAL, LAURA.
GO, GO, GO, GO, GO.
THE POLICE WILL BE
WAITING FOR YOU!
WELL, AT LEAST KNOWING YOU
HAS GOT ME PUBLISHED.
THE NEW YORKER BOUGHT MY STORY
ABOUT A RICH COKE HEAD.
THEY THINK IT'S FICTION.
CONGRATULATIONS, LOVER.
I KNEW MY SELF-ABUSE
WOULD DO SOMEONE GOOD.
DOES HE WIN THE GIRL
IN THE END?
NO. HE'S A COMPLETE
LOSER.
IT'S CALLED "A SNOWBALL'S
CHANCE IN HELL."
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
CHANGE THE TITLE
WHEN I TELL YOUR FATHER
THAT I INTEND TO MARRY YOU.
IN A PIG'S EYE.
I WOULDN'T MARRY YOU
IN A MILLION YEARS.
YOU'RE A SELFISH,
SUICIDAL, NE'ER-DO-WELL ADDIC
- WITHOUT A JOB.
- FLATTERER.
YOU MIGHT BE SOME RICH KID,
BUT YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE.
AND TAKE YOUR HAND
OFF MY BREAST.
WE COULD CRASH.
OH, IT'S STUCK.
YOU LOVE ME.
DON'T DO THIS.
MY FATHER'S TOO ILL
FOR YOU TO UPSET HIM.
WHAT IF I ASK
HIS PERMISSION?
YOUR CHANCES ARE ZILCH THA MY FATHER WOULD SAY YES TO YOU.
AND IF HE DOES?
OKAY, MR. KNOW-IT-ALL.
THEN MY ANSWER IS YES.
FAT CHANCE YOU HAVE.
BEN, THANK GOD
YOU'RE HERE.
DON'T LET ANY POLICEMEN
INTO THIS ROOM.
I AM A POLICEMAN.
YOU KNOW WE HAVE
BETTER THINGS TO DO
THAN CHASE YOUR BEHIND
ALL OVER THIS ISLAND.
JUST GIVE ME
FIVE MINUTES, BEN.
THEN I'LL GO PEACEFULLY.
GO AHEAD.
- DADDY.
- HMM.
OH, HELLO, SWEETHEART.
- DANNY, HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD.
HOW ARE THE TEMPLE
MEETINGS GOING?
GREAT. DR. BERNSTEIN,
I'VE COME TO ASK YOU
FOR YOUR DAUGHTER'S HAND.
DON'T SAY YES.
TELL HIM HOW SELFISH
AND IRRESPONSIBLE HE IS.
YOU KNOW, YOU'VE DONE
A MARVELOUS JOB WITH
THE MEN'S GROUP.
YOU EVEN GO A GIRLFRIEND FOR MORTY.
HE'S A DRUGGIE.
SINCE THE FIRST NIGHT,
HE'S BEEN FREE.
HASN'T BEEN A TRACE
OF SUBSTANCE IN HIS
URINE OR IN HIS BLOOD.
HE'S AN IDLER.
NO JOB AND NO PROSPECTS.
NOT EXACTLY SO.
DID YOU ACCEP THAT SLOT AT THE OLD
MEDICAL SCHOOL?
HEY.
THE HEAD OF
THE ADMISSIONS BOARD
IS AN OLD FRIEND OF MINE.
- HE TOLD ME ABOUT IT.
- TIME'S UP. GOTTA GO. NOW.
THAT WON'T BE
NECESSARY, OFFICER.
THANK YOU.
LAURA, WILL YOU GET ME
THAT BLUE DOCUMENT BACK THERE,
AND A PEN?
THANK YOU.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE NO LONGER UNDER
THE COURT'S JURISDICTION.
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR
THIS DAY.
CONGRATULATIONS.
CAN I EVER GET A STEP
AHEAD OF YOU, DR. BERNSTEIN?
YOU WILL WHEN
NECESSARY, MY BOY.
AS RABBI MYERS SAID,
MY LIFE IS BLESSED.
I NEVER NEEDED ANYTHING
UNTIL I HAD IT.
ACTUALLY, RABBI McCALL
SAID THAT.
DURING COFFEE BREAKS
AT THE MEETINGS,
I'VE BEEN READING
THE MEDITATIONS
IN THE PRAYER BOOK.
WELL, LAURA, DO YOU HAVE
ANY OTHER OBJECTIONS
ABOUT MARRYING
THIS FINE YOUNG MAN?
NO, I DON'T.
I NEVER NEEDED DAN
UNTIL NOW THAT I HAVE HIM.
THE CONSTRUCTION ON
THE PARTHENON
YOU SEE BEHIND ME
BEGAN IN 347 B.C.
( woman clearing throat )
( students laughing )
UH, YES.
QUITE RIGHT.
HISTORIANS CONSIDER
THE EDIFICE
AT THE PEAK OF CLASSICAL
IONIC ARCHITECTURE.
- Woman: DORIC.
- ( students laugh )
YES, YES, OF COURSE.
DORIC ARCHITECTURE.
PERHAPS I SHOULD
LOOK AT MY NOTES.
THE WEST END RELIEF
SHOWS THE COMBAT BETWEEN
THE AMAZONS
AND THE ATHENIANS,
AND THAT'S WHY
IT'S MY FAVORITE.
BECAUSE IT REMINDS ME OF
YOUR PROFESSOR BARRY BLACKMON.
ZOE, I--
- PLEASE DON'T INTERRUPT.
I'M NOT FINISHED.
THE BASE OF THE PARTHENON
IS 69.5 METERS
BY 30.9 METERS.
I'D FORGOTTEN.
IT'S SO GOOD OF YOU
TO ARRANGE FOR
THE TEMPLE LIBRARY
DONATION. I HEARD.
THE INTERNAL COLONNADES
WERE CONSTRUCTED IN TWO TIERS
TO SUPPORT THE ROOF.
- I WAS A FOOL TO LEAVE YOU.
- YES, YOU WERE.
DID YOU KNOW THA MY FATHER MARRIED MY MOTHER
NEXT TO THOSE COLONNADES?
I WAS THERE THEN.
GANYMEDE LOOKED
SO PROUD AND HANDSOME,
AND HE MARRIED
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
WOMAN I HAD EVER SEEN,
UNTIL I ME THEIR DAUGHTER.
I WAS THE BEST MAN.
YOU STILL ARE
THE BEST MAN.
WHO WILL BE YOURS
AT OUR WEDDING?
Lars: DO YOU,
DANIEL TOPLER,
BEFORE THIS ASSEMBLAGE,
- SWEAR TO TAKE THIS--
- CAN YOU MAKE THIS
QUICK, YOUR HONOR?
THEIR PLANE TO BERMUDA
LEAVES IN AN HOUR.
DO YOU,
DANIEL TOPLER,
SWEAR TO TAKE THIS...
BEAUTIFUL, SEXY WOMAN
TO HAVE AND TO HOLD
IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH?
Daniel: I DO.
DO YOU,
LAURA BERNSTEIN,
BEFORE THIS AUGUS ASSEMBLAGE,
SWEAR TO OBEY
THIS UNEMPLOYED MAN?
WHOA.
AND TO HAVE AND TO HOLD
IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH?
I DO.
THEN BY THE LAWS OF
THE STATE OF NEW YORK,
AND THE POWERS OF
GREAT JEHOVAH...
I DECLARE YOU
MAN AND WIFE.
ONE, TWO, THREE,
GOOD LOVIN'
- GOOD LOVIN'
- LARS!
GOOD LOVIN'
GOOD LOVIN'
Lars: NO! NO, NO, NO!
I WAS FEELIN'
SO BAD
I ASKED MY FAMILY DOCTOR
JUST WHAT I HAD
- I SAID, DOCTOR
- DOCTOR
- MR. M.D.
- DOCTOR
CAN YOU TELL ME, YEAH,
WHAT'S AILIN' ME?
DOCTOR
HE SAID, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH
YES, INDEED,
ALL I REALLY NEED
GOOD LOVIN'
- COME ON,
GIVE ME GOOD LOVIN'
- GOOD LOVIN'
- ALL I WANT IS LOVIN'
- GOOD LOVIN'
GIVE ME YOUR LOVIN',
BABY
HONEY, PLEASE,
SQUEEZE ME TIGHT
SQUEEZE ME TIGH
DON'T YOU WANT YOUR BABY
TO BE ALL RIGHT?
BE ALL RIGH
- I SAID, BABY
- BABY
- IT'S FOR SURE
- IT'S FOR SURE
I GOT THE FEVER, YEAH,
YOU GOT THE CURE
GOT THE CURE
EVERYBODY, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH
YES, INDEED,
ALL I REALLY NEED
GOOD LOVIN'
- COME ON,
GIVE ME GOOD LOVIN'
- GOOD LOVIN'
- ALL I WANT IS LOVIN'
- GOOD LOVIN'
- GIVE ME YOUR LOVIN', BABY
- GOOD LOVIN'
GOOD LOVIN'
- COME ON,
GIVE ME GOOD LOVIN'
- GOOD LOVIN'
- ALL I WANT IS LOVIN'
- GOOD LOVIN'
- GIVE ME
YOUR LOVIN', BABY
- GOOD LOVIN'
HEY!
ALL THE LOVE YOU'VE TAKEN
SLEEPIN' ON A RAZOR
THERE'S NOWHERE
LEFT TO FALL
YOUR BODY'S ACHIN',
EVERY BONE IS BREAKIN'
NOTHING SEEMS TO SHAKE IT,
IT JUST KEEPS HOLDIN' ON
AH AH AH AH-AH
AH AH AH
AH AH AH-AH
AH AH AH-AH
AH AH AH-AH
AH AH AH-AH AH
AH AH AH-AH
YOUR SOUL IS ABLE,
DEATH IS ALL YOU CRADLE
SLEEPIN' ON THE NAILS,
THERE'S NOWHERE LEFT TO FALL
YOU HAVE ADMIRED,
EVERY MAN DESIRES
EVERYONE IS KING...
( music stops )
OH!
LET GO OF ME.
CAN'T DO THAT,
SONNY BOY.
I AM NOT YOUR BOY,
AND YOU KINDLY
WILL LET GO, GODDAMN IT!
WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING,
FOR CHRIST SAKE!
THIS IS REAL ARMANI.
MY FATHER WILL SUE YOUR ASS!
I DON'T CARE IF
MARY, MOTHER OF GOD,
WEAVED IT HERSELF.
YOU ARE NO KILLING YOURSELF
ON MY BEAT.
( siren approaching )
I WAS SIMPLY TAKING
A LEISURELY STROLL
TO VISI MY POETRY PROFESSOR
IN HOBOKEN,
YOUR HONOR,
WHEN THIS VERY LARGE
POLICEMAN ACCOSTS ME
FROM NOWHERE,
APPLIES A NO DOUB STEROIDS-INDUCED THRASHING,
AND CONJURES WHAT'S PROBABLY
A $150 TAILORING REPAIR JOB
ON MY BILL BLASS.
HE CLAIMED
IT WAS ARMANI.
- SCREW THE COUTURE.
- CO-WHO?
BLESS YOU,
OFFICER FRANKLIN.
AND OVERALL,
I MIGHT SAY, JUDGE...
KAMEL.
- NO. KARMEL.
YES, KARAMEL.
THIS VERY LARGE GENTLEMAN,
AND SUPPOSED PROTECTOR
OF THE COURT,
PROVED HIMSELF TO BE
EXTREMELY INHOSPITABLE.
NEVERTHELESS, IN THE SPIRI OF THE CHRISTMAS SEASON,
I'M WILLING TO DROP
ALL CHARGES AGAINST HIM
IF YOU'LL JUST KINDLY--
WHAT, REMOVE
THE HANDCUFFS?
AND MAY 16th IS NO TYPICALLY THOUGHT OF
AS A WINTER HOLIDAY.
( voice echoing )
YOU'RE GETTING TO BE
A REGULAR HERE, DANIEL TOPLER.
IT'S UNUSUAL TO SEE EVEN
YOUNG DRUG ADDICTS LIKE YOU HERE
THREE TIMES A MONTH.
YELLOW WALLS DO NOTHING
FOR THE DECOR.
- WHY ARE THE LIGHTS SO DIM?
- TOPLER!
ARE YOU FEELING OKAY?
SEND HIM BACK TO
THE REHAB CLINIC AGAIN.
( normal voice )
AND GET SOMEONE TO WIPE UP
THAT DROOL, OFFICER FRANKLIN.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN,
I PRESUME.
I'M DR. JACOB Q. BERNSTEIN.
AND I'M FELIX THE CAT.
MEOW.
LET ME OUTTA HERE,
OR I WILL KICK
YOUR 2,000-YEAR-OLD ASS
FROM HERE TO
KINGDOM COME.
FUCK!!
( scornful laughter )
OH, I MUST SAY,
YOU DON'T LOOK SO HO YOURSELF, DR. BERNAISE.
- BERNSTEIN.
- YES, BERN-STINE.
WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN
AND WE'LL CHAT A WHILE.
I COULD USE THE COMPANY.
BUT FIRST, WOULD YOU MIND
SCRATCHING MY NOSE?
SOME FLY PROBABLY SENT BY
A RIGHT-WING NEO-NAZI
LUFTWAFFE HAS BEEN
DIVE-BOMBING ME.
A LITTLE TO THE LEFT.
AH!
YOU ARE A HEALER.
AS A CSN&Y SONG GOES,
"I'M NOT FEELING
UP TO PAR."
DO YOU THINK I SHOULD
CUT MY HAIR,
BECAUSE I ALMOST DID BEFORE
I JUMPED OVER MARTHA.
THE BRIDGE, THAT IS.
LINDA.
OH. OH, NO.
OH, YES.
OOH. OOH-OOH.
( grunts )
HELP.
SAVE ME, PLEASE.
( knocking )
GOOD MORNING!
GOOD MORNING, DANIEL!
HURRY UP
FOR BREAKFAST.
THE VOLLEYBALL TOURNAMEN STARTS SOON.
I'LL HAVE WHIPPED CREAM
LICKED OFF YOUR BREASTS.
I'M NOT ON
THE MENU, DANIEL.
WHY SCREW MY OLD MAN
WHEN YOU CAN HAVE
A YOUNG STUD LIKE ME, ELAINE?
( door opens )
WELL, I SEE YOU'RE
VERY MUCH AT HOME HERE, DANIEL.
DR. BERNSTEIN.
WHAT DAY IS THIS?
SATURDAY, 9:00 A.M.
YOU HAD
QUITE A NAP.
I SEE YOUR FATHER'S MILLIONS
HAVE FURNISHED THE ROOM
FROM YOUR
MANHATTAN LOFT.
HM. HAVE YOU READ THIS?
ANYONE WHO'S EVER
TAKEN PSYCHOLOGY 101
HAS READ CARL ROGERS'
SEMINAL WORK ON
BECOMING A PERSON.
ALAS, THERE'S NO TIME
FOR NICETIES.
GOTTA BE GOING.
TA-TA FOR NOW,
BUT DUTY CALLS.
WHEN ONE'S PRESIDEN BEGS ONE TO SERVE ONE'S COUNTRY,
CAN ONE REFUSE?
IT'S HUSH-HUSH.
TOP SECRE AND ON THE Q.T.
SOMETHING ABOU A SCROFULOUS TORSO
LEVITATING FROM
KIM SONG'S TOMB.
YOU JUST CAN'T TRUS THOSE BASTARD KOREAN
DICTATORS TO STAY DEAD.
WHERE ARE THE STANDARDS,
ANYHOW?
BY THE WAY, DID MY DAD
HAVE MY CAR BROUGHT AROUND YET?
SHALL I CALL LINDA AGAIN?
NO. THAT WON' BE NECESSARY.
CAN WE TALK?
OKAY, DOC. SIT DOWN.
TAKE A LOAD OFF.
SURE, LET'S BE PALS,
BUT IT DEPENDS.
IT DEPENDS, HUH?
ON WHAT?
ON JUST WHAT KIND OF
HEADSHRINKER YOU ARE.
MY OWN PREFERENCE LEANS HEAVILY
TOWARDS THE DRUGGIES.
PSYCHO-PHARMACOLOGISTS,
YOU MEAN.
I LOVE THE GREEN PILLS,
BUT YELLOW WORKS FOR ME
IF IT WORKS FOR YOU.
THE YELLOWS WORK
FOR YOU, HUH?
OH, I FEEL
A ROGERIAN COMING ON.
CARL ROGERS HELPED
MANY, MANY PEOPLE.
NOW, IF YOU'RE NO PUSHING DRUGS,
I WAS HOPING YOU MIGHT BE
MY SECOND-FAVORITE
KIND OF VOODOO DOCTOR.
YOU OKAY?
UH, YEAH.
DOC?
WHOA!
- THANK YOU.
- YEAH.
I WANNA TELL YOU ABOU A DISCUSSION I LEAD.
OH, MAN, OH, MAN.
HERE WE GO WITH
THE GROUP THERAPY.
IF I HAVE TO LISTEN TO
ONE MORE SAD SACK
TELL ME THE PITIFUL STORY
OF HIS LIFE,
I WILL LOSE MY MIND.
FORGET ABOUT IT, DOC.
NO, NO, NO.
IT'S NOT LIKE
THAT AT ALL.
THIS IS A BUNCH OF MEN
JUST GETTING TOGETHER
TO KIBBUTZ.
WHAT'S THE CATCH?
A SCHMOOZE WITH YOUR STIFFS,
AND THEN I'M OUTTA HERE?
NOT PRECISELY.
JUST GET TOGETHER
A FEW TIMES.
A FEW TIMES?
- YES, MORE OR LESS.
- MORE OR LESS?!
SIT DOWN!
NOW, LISTEN TO ME,
YOUNG MAN. LISTEN UP CLOSELY.
IF YOU EVER
WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE,
YOU SHOULD TAKE MY OFFER.
YOU UNDERSTAND?
ALL RIGHT.
GOOD.
NOW I'D LIKE YOU TO
JOIN IN A DISCUSSION
WITH MY SENIOR MEN'S
GROUP.
YOU ARE KIDDING,
AREN'T YOU?
WE MEET A TEMPLE B'NAI ISRAEL.
BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO COME
BACK HERE WHEN YOU'RE
NOT AT THE MEETINGS.
A TEMPLE MEN'S GROUP
FOR DYING PEOPLE.
THIS REALLY IS RICH.
A LOT OF US ARE NO QUITE AS DEAD AS YOU MAY THINK.
WHEN I CALL MY DAD,
HE WILL HAVE ME OUT OF HERE
IN A NANO-SECOND.
FUN TIME IS OVER.
THE COURT PUT YOU
IN MY CUSTODY.
BESIDES, YOUR FATHER
THINKS IT'S A VERY GOOD IDEA.
WELL?
I'M JUS GIVING YOUR PROPOSAL
THE UTMOST CAREFUL
CONSIDERATION. NO.
ALL RIGHT. I'LL BE BACK
IN A MONTH TO SEE IF
YOU'VE RECONSIDERED.
LINDA, JOE.
PUT YOUR HAND
IN THERE.
Daniel: LINDA.
OKAY.
OKAY, THIS IS BLACKMAIL!
I WILL ATTEND YOUR MUMMIFIED
DECAFFEINATED KAFFEE KLATSCH.
FINE.
GOOD CHOICE.
SO SHOULD I BRING
MY OWN DENTURES,
OR DO YOU PASS ONE SE AROUND FOR EVERYONE?
TOMORROW, 8:00 P.M.,
YOU CAN USE YOUR OWN CAR.
NURSE LINDA WILL GIVE YOU
A PRESCRIPTION TO HELP
YOU SLEEP,
AND AN ANTI-ABUSE PILL.
DO NOT...
I REPEAT, DO NOT USE
ANY DRUGS OR ALCOHOL HERE,
OR YOU WILL REALLY
FEEL LIKE YOU'RE DYING.
- ( dialing phone )
- ( line ringing )
- HELLO.
- DAD.
I'M BACK HERE A THE LIVE FREE OR DIE CLINIC.
YES, I KNOW.
- YOU KNOW THAT?
- THEY CALLED ME.
WELL, I'M GLAD TO GE A HOLD OF YOU.
THAT'S A CHANGE.
NO, REALLY. I'M HAPPY
TO CHAT WITH YOU.
IN FACT, THE FUNNIES THING JUST HAPPENED.
THIS SHRINK SAID
I'VE GOT TO ATTEND
SOME ALTA KOCKER
DISCUSSION GROUP.
ISN'T THA A YUK AND A HALF?
I THINK IT'S
AN EXCELLENT IDEA, DANIEL.
- DR. BERNSTINE AND I--
- BERNSTEIN.
DR. BERNSTEIN AND I
CHEWED IT OVER EARLIER TODAY.
HE'S A HIGHLY REGARDED
EXPERT FOR CASES LIKE YOURS.
NOW JUST A SECOND, DAD.
NO, YOU JUST A SECOND,
SONNY BOY.
I HAVE PLACED YOUR WELFARE
COMPLETELY IN
THE DOCTOR'S HANDS.
OBVIOUSLY, YOUR MOTHER AND I
HAVE GOTTEN NOWHERE WITH YOU.
WHATEVER DR. BERNSTEIN SAYS,
GOES, AND THAT'S THAT.
FATHER!
OH, I LOVE I WHEN YOU CALL ME THAT.
DON'T FORGET TO WRITE.
NOW, WHERE WERE WE?
OH, HONEY.
OH, ALBERT.
( both moaning )
OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH.
OH. OH, NO.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I DON'T THINK
I CAN, DOLL.
OH... AGAIN!
JESUS, ALBERT.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
GO ON THAT DIET I GAVE YOU,
OR YOU'RE GONNA
DROP DEAD BEFORE
YOUR DIVORCE IS FINAL,
AND WE CAN FINALLY
GET MARRIED.
RIGHT. YOU'RE
RIGHT, HONEY BUNNY.
HOW DO YOU LIKE
THAT DIAMOND BRACELE I GOT YOU?
THE TOPLERS
AREN'T CHEAP.
WHAT WAS THAT, ELAINE?
UM, A FIREFLY, I THINK.
- FIREFLY?
- FORGET ABOUT IT.
( defecates wetly )
OH, LOOK AT THAT.
HOW AM I GONNA GO HOME?
JUST RUN IN AND TELL HER
THAT YOU GOTTA GO REAL BAD.
YOU. YOU'RE LIKE WEBSTER'S.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT WORDS
FOR EVERYTHING.
IF ONLY I HAD
A WIFE LIKE YOU.
YOU WILL HAVE
A WIFE LIKE ME, AL,
VERY SOON.
LOOK AT MY HUSBAND
WITH THIS HARLOT ELAINE.
OKAY.
- CHARLOTTE DAVIDSON HERE.
- MISS DAVIDSON,
HARRIET TOPLER.
THIS TIME, I HAVE PICTURES
OF MY HUSBAND CHEATING ON ME.
DON'T WORRY,
MRS. TOPLER.
AS YOUR ATTORNEY, WE'LL TAKE HIM
FOR ALL HE'S GOT,
OR MY NAME ISN' CHARLOTTE DAVIDSON.
Man: PIROT, LET'S GE A MOVE ON.
THE COSTUME BALL
MUST BE PERFECT.
DID YOU ARRANGE FOR
THE NOTRE DAME TWINS
TO BE HERE?
THE CHAMPAGNE,
THE ORGANIC HORS D'OEUVRES?
JAZZ BAND?
DON'T FORGET TO PU COKE AND PERFUME BOTTLES
IN EACH BEDROOM.
YES, BOSS.
DANDY MAN. HEY, WHAT TIME
YOU GONNA BE HERE FOR THE BASH?
DON'T KNOW, BRUCIE.
MAYBE I SHOULD PASS
ON THIS PARTY
AND FINALLY DRY OUT.
OH, YOU'RE NOT GONNA WANNA MISS
THIS ONE, I PROMISE YOU.
I'VE GOT A SURPRISE
FOR YOU.
JUST WALK RIGHT ON
UP THE BEACH.
IT'S NOT EVEN A MILE.
BESIDES, THERE'S YOUR
ADORING PUBLIC TO CONSIDER.
YOU WIN, BRUCIE.
NO WONDER YOU BAG
ALL THOSE MERGERS
AT MORGAN STANFIELD.
OKAY, CATCH YA LATER.
( knocking on door )
TAKE JUST ONE OF EACH
AT BEDTIME, NOT BEFORE.
YOU HAVE TO SUBMIT TO
DAILY BLOOD AND URINE TESTS.
NO DRIVING, EXCEPT FOR
THE MEN'S GROUP,
AND FOR GOD'S SAKE,
DO NOT TAKE ANY
DRUGS OR ALCOHOL.
Man: ARE YOU PLAYING?
WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE?
( men continue
chattering )
JESUS.
I GOT TO KEEP MY IMAGE
WHILE SUSPENDED FROM MY THRONE
THAT LOOKS OUT UPON MY KINGDOM
FULL OF PEOPLE ALL UNKNOWN
WHO IMAGINE I'M NOT HUMAN
AND MY HEART IS MADE OF STONE
I NEVER HAD NO PROBLEMS
AND MY TOILET'S
TRIMMED WITH CHROME
I'M A MAN,
YES, I AM
AND I CAN'T HELP
BUT LOVE YOU SO
NO, NO, NO
I'M A MAN,
YES, I AM
AND I CAN'T HELP
BUT LOVE YOU SO
NO, NO, NO
YES, I AM
NO, NO, NO
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY
HEY, HEY, HEY
YES, I AM
( men chattering nearby )
TWO PAIR, ACES UP,
READ 'EM AND WEEP, SUCKERS!
THE DANDY MAN'S HERE!
RISE, GRASSHOPPERS.
WHERE'S THE CHOW?
I'M FAMISHED.
INTRODUCE ME IMMEDIATELY
TO THAT DARK-HAIRED MIRAGE,
OR I WILL TURN YOU INTO
A MAN FROM THE TOAD YOU ARE.
Bruce: YOU MEAN
CHARLOTTE DAVIDSON.
OKAY, MY MAN.
TAKE THIS FOR GOOD LUCK.
JUST WAIT UNTIL HE DISCOVERS
SHE'S A KARATE BLACK BELT.
AND HER FATHER'S
EVEN RICHER THAN HIS.
DIDN'T YOU FORGE MY CHANGE AT McDONALD'S
THIS AFTERNOON?
AND I ASKED FOR
THE ONION RINGS,
NOT THE FRIES.
WELL, EXCUSE ME, SIR.
I HOPE I CAN FIND A WAY
TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
CHAMPAGNE!
I'M DAN TOPLER,
AND NO, I'M ON
THE WAGON JUST NOW.
- UH...
- CHARLOTTE DAVIDSON.
MY FRIENDS CALL ME CHARLIE.
SO YOU'RE
THE DANDY MAN.
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN
PANTING TO MEET YOU.
LET'S GET ON
THE WAGON TOGETHER.
JUST HAVE
A SQUOSH.
IT'S PRONOUNCED
"SKOSH."
OKAY. SKOSH.
HAVE ONE.
YOU'LL FEEL BETTER,
AND SO WILL YOUR WAGON.
ONE MORE.
SHOULD WE TELL HIM THA CHARLIE'S COME FROM
THE DARK SIDE?
HE'LL FIND OU SOON ENOUGH.
( people cheering
and cat-calling )
Man: SHE'S
A KILLER, DAN!
- JUDGE KARAMEL?
- JUDGE WHO?
THAT'S HAUTE COUTURE,
YOU IMBECILE.
BLESS YOU,
OFFICER FRANKLIN.
Bernstein: I COULD LOCK
YOU UP IN A STRAITJACKE FOR THE NEXT YEAR,
OR I COULD TIE YOU UP
AND HAVE LINDA SPOON-FEED YOU
MOST OF YOUR MEALS.
AN INTERN WOULD COME IN
AND REMOVE YOUR POTTY FOR YOU,
WHEN HE REMEMBERS.
IS THIS WHA YOU REALLY WANT?
DON'T YOU KNOW YOU ALMOS DIED RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF ME,
YOU LITTLE MORON?
I LIKED YOU BETTER
AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN
THAN YOUR NEW ROLE
AS NURSE RATCHED.
I DON'T CARE HOW ROTTEN
YOU FEEL TOMORROW, DANIEL.
YOU MUST ATTEND
THE DISCUSSION GROUP.
THIS IS YOUR FINAL
CHANCE WITH ME,
OR I'M SHIPPING YOU
UP TO PRISON.
GOT IT?
OH, BOY.
THIS FUNERAL'S EVEN MORE SOMBER
THAN THEY USUALLY ARE.
DID YOU FIX MY LUNCH,
BY THE WAY?
THE CURRIED EGG SALAD
SANDWICH WITH THE PICKLE
ON THE TOP,
THE WAY I LIKE IT.
- YES, REVEREND PILATUS.
- THAT'S GOOD.
OH, I SHOULD'VE
BEGGED OFF THIS GIG.
I NEVER WOULD'VE EVEN
ACCEPTED THIS SERVICE,
EXCEPT THAT HIS DAUGHTER
HAS MADE A TREMENDOUS DONATION.
HER NAME IS CHARLOTTE,
AND SHE IS
A PIECE OF WORK.
( trills tongue )
WHAT'S CHARLOTTE DAVIDSON'S
PERSONAL CASH FLOW?
WITH DADDY DEAD,
AND COMBINED WITH
HER TRUST FUNDS,
I'D SAY SOMETHING LIKE
WHOO! AND DEBT?
MAYBE 500.
MILLION.
NO. $500.
SHE PAYS IN CASH.
YOU MEAN THIS DAME
INHERITED A COMPANY
WORTH TWO BILLION SMACKERS,
AND SHE OWES 500 BUCKS?
YES, AND THAT'S JUS AN AVERAGE OF HER
MONTHLY CREDIT CARD BILL.
IT COULD BE LESS.
WHAT ABOUT CHARLOTTE HERSELF?
PERSONAL HABITS,
FRIENDS?
SHE'S A BIG-TIME
PARTY GIRL AND ATHLETE.
A KARATE BLACK BELT,
AND SHE REGULARLY
WINS COMPETITIONS.
A DIVORCE ATTORNEY,
ONLY FOR WOMEN,
AND PRETTY GOOD AT IT,
JUDGING BY ALL HER
CLIENTS' AWARDS.
SHE WINS EVERY TIME
IN COURT,
AND LIKES TO POUND
MEN TO THE GROUND.
GREAT. A MONSTROUSLY RICH,
KUNG FU, TIGHTWAD,
LITIGATING BALL BUSTER
STANDS IN THE WAY
OF THIS MERGER.
YOU MUST BE ZOE,
MY DEAR.
NO ONE'S EVER CALLED ME
THAT BUT MY FATHER.
YES, YOUR FATHER GANYMEDE
AND I WERE GREAT FRIENDS.
AND YOU ARE?
PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
I'M BARRY BLACKMON,
PROFESSOR OF GREEK
AND ROMAN HISTORY.
AND I MUST SAY,
YOUR FATHER WOULD
BE SO HAPPY
TO KNOW YOU WERE
DRESSED THE WAY YOU ARE,
IN THE GREEK TRADITION
OF WHITE,
CELEBRATING THE IMMORTALITY
OF THE SPIRIT,
AS OPPOSED TO BLACK,
MOURNING A PASSED SOUL.
YOUR FATHER OFTEN TOLD ME
OVER A GLASS OF WINE
JUST HOW BEAUTIFUL
HIS DAUGHTER WAS.
I HAD NO IDEA
HOW UNDERSTATED
HIS WORDS WERE.
DADDY SAID HE LOVED
LOOKING THROUGH HIS TELESCOPE
AT THE CONSTELLATION
TAURUS,
BECAUSE IT REMINDED HIM
OF ME...
BULL-HEADED
BUT SENSITIVE.
SO SORRY TO INTERRUPT.
ANOTHER TIME,
MISS DAVIDSON.
ANOTHER TIME.
AS YOU WERE SAYING,
MY DEAR.
( sighs )
DADDY NEVER SHOWED ME
HOW TO USE HIS TELESCOPE.
WHAT A SHAME.
PERHAPS I COULD SHOW YOU.
YOUR FATHER BOUGH THE ONE THAT I RECOMMENDED.
OH, HE DID.
PERHAPS WE COULD
GET TOGETHER AND DISCUSS
HOW I COULD CONTINUE
HIS LOVE OF ANTIQUITY.
OF COURSE, ZOE.
HOW SWEET OF YOU
TO CONSIDER IT.
AND WHO IS THIS
CHARMING FRIEND OF YOURS?
- YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.
DO I KNOW YOU?
- I'M LAURA, PROFESSOR.
WHEN SHALL WE
MEET AGAIN?
IN THUNDER, LIGHTNING,
OR IN RAIN?
WHY DON'T I PICK YOU UP
AT YOUR OFFICE
WEDNESDAY AT NOON,
AND WE'LL HAVE LUNCH.
SPLENDID.
OKAY, IF I HAVE TO GIVE HER
HALF THE COMPANY,
I WILL.
SHE'S BEEN MY WIFE
FOR 30 YEARS, AFTER ALL.
YOU ALREADY GAVE HER
HALF FIVE YEARS AGO
FOR ESTATE-PLANNING PURPOSES.
HER ATTORNEY WANTS MORE.
WHAT? THE GOLD-DIGGER.
WE'VE ONLY BEEN MARRIED
FOR 30 YEARS.
SIT.
NINETY PERCENT.
- NINETY PERCENT?!
- ( wheezing cough )
( wheezing continues )
THAT'S PRACTICALLY
HIS ENTIRE...
( gasping )
PRACTICALLY HIS
ENTIRE NET WORTH,
MS. DAVIDSON.
YOU ARE LUCKY WE'RE LEAVING HIM
WITH HIS JOCKEY SHORTS.
HONEY BUNCH, YOU KNOW IT'S ONLY
YOU I EVER REALLY LOVED.
OH, I WISH I COULD
BELIEVE YOU.
IS THAT WHAT YOU SAY
TO HER, TOO?
IF YOU HADN'T SPEN SO MUCH TIME A THE ART CENTER, I NEVER--
AND TELL YOUR CLIEN NEVER TO TALK TO MINE AGAIN
IF HE WANTS TO KEEP
HIS... UNDERWEAR.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DON'T LOOK AT THAT.
DANIEL, DANIEL,
DANIEL.
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS
AGAIN TO YOUR MOTHER AND ME?
WHY DOES EVERYTHING
THAT HAPPENS TO ME
HAVE TO DO WITH
YOU AND MOM?
YOU GOT A BEAUTIFUL
VIEW HERE.
YOU KNOW THAT, DANIEL?
HAVE YOU LOOKED OUTSIDE TODAY?
IT'S GORGEOUS.
YOU'RE LICKING YOUR CHOPS
OVER ELAINE, NO DOUBT.
IS SHE ON THE BEACH
BOUNCING HER TITS IN VOLLEYBALL?
YOU'RE VERY
RUDE, DANIEL.
HOW CAN YOU THROW
YOUR LIFE AWAY LIKE THIS?
YOU WHO HAD EVERY ADVANTAGE
IN LIFE, EVERY POSSIBILITY.
EVERY POSSIBILITY?
IS IT TOO LATE TO BE A PENGUIN?
YOUR LIFE IS NO A SITCOM, BOYCHICK.
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED
TO BE SO THANKLESS.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOIN' HERE?
DANIEL IS
MY SON, TOO.
ANYWAY, I'M NO SUPPOSED TO TALK TO YOU.
WHAT'S THA SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
ARE THE TWO OF YOU
FINALLY GETTING A DIVORCE?
- YES.
- NO.
I LOVE YOUR MOTHER.
YOU GOT A FUNNY WAY
TO SHOW IT.
( stammers )
COUPLES HAVE PROBLEMS,
BUT THEY WORK THEM OUT.
LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU COME
TO UNIVERSAL LIKE YOUR SISTER?
WE'LL MAKE YOU
A VICE-PRESIDENT OR SOMETHING.
AND THE PAY IS NO SO BAD, EITHER.
I MEAN, 100 GRAND A YEAR
WILL KEEP THE WOLF AWAY,
AS LONG AS MOMMY
AND DADDY PROVIDE
A HOLIDAY BONUS
AND A NEW CAR
EVERY NOW AND THEN.
AND WASTE MY LIFE
BEING A JUNK DEALER LIKE YOU?
YOU WATCH
YOUR TONGUE.
YOUR FATHER'S COMPANY,
TOO UNDIGNIFIED FOR
AN IVY LEAGUE COLLEGE BOY,
KEEPS US IN LUXURY, PAL,
AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT.
YOU KNOW, HE DIDN'T HAVE
A FATHER WHO GAVE HIM
EVERYTHING UNDER GOD'S CREATION.
WHY SEND ME TO YALE
IF YOU JUST WANT ME
TO TAKE OVER THE BUSINESS?
NO, WE WANT YOU
TO GROW UP.
BUT AS YOU SAY,
YOU JUST DON'T GET IT.
WHAT KIND OF SON
DID WE RAISE, ANYWAY?
( sighs heavily )
GLAD YOU CAME,
MOM AND DAD.
REALLY.
( men talking quietly )
OH, DAN, BRING
YOUR CUP OVER HERE,
AND COME AND MEE THE MEN, ALL RIGHT?
GOT A SPECIAL GUES THIS EVENING.
DANIEL TOPLER.
I WAS HOPING ALL OF YOU
WOULD BE AGREEABLE
TO HAVING HIM ATTEND
SOME MORE SESSIONS.
CERTAINLY. WHY NOT.
JACK, WHY DOES A YOUNG MAN
LIKE HIM WANT TO COMMUNE
WITH A BUNCH OF
OLD FOGIES?
MORTY MAVIS.
PLEASED TO MEET YOU.
MORTY IS
A BUSINESS CONSULTANT.
WELL, UH, FOR ME,
I GUESS YOU SHOULD
ALL KNOW--
DANIEL, LET ME DO
THE INTRODUCTION,
ALL RIGHT?
DANIEL'S A MEDICAL STUDEN IN HIS FIRST YEAR A STONY BROOK,
AND I UNDERSTAND
HE'S CONSIDERING GERONTOLOGY
AS, WELL,
AS A SPECIALTY.
( men chuckling )
I FIGURED IF HE ME YOU OLD GUYS,
I COULD POSSIBLY
DISCOURAGE HIM FROM THAT.
( laughter )
SO YOU'RE GONNA BE
A DOCTOR, IS THAT IT?
WELL--
I'VE BEEN A TRADER FOR ALMOS
AND VERY SUCCESSFULLY, TOO,
I MIGHT ADD.
I LEFT MY FIRM LAST MONTH.
OH, I'M ROB VITRIOFF.
THEY ASKED ME TO STAY,
OF COURSE,
- BUT FOR WHAT, I ASK YOU?
- I THINK--
I CAN TRADE JUST AS WELL
AT HOME NOW WITH THE INTERNET.
MY TIME IS MY OWN.
DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M GETTIN' AT?
YES. YOU ONLY BORE
YOURSELF NOW.
GLENN HERE.
TRACY AUSPITZ.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
AND TRACY WAS A FORMER DEPUTY
ADMINISTRATOR FOR THE E.P.A.
HELPED DRAF THE U.S. CLEAN WATER AC BACK IN THE EARLY '70s.
- NO KIDDING.
- THANK GOD WE GO
SOME GOOD GUYS IN GOVERNMENT.
IT SURE AIN' THE MAJORITY
IN CONGRESS.
I SEE SAM BOTKIN IS BEING
HIS USUAL CHEERY SELF.
HIS COMPUTER PROGRAM DESIGNED
THE VERRAZANO BRIDGE.
HARRY ROSENTHAL.
HARRY IS A FORMER
MUSICAL DIRECTOR OF
THE METROPOLITAN OPERA.
YEAH?
I'M DAVID, A P.R. MAN
WITH A COUPLE OF CLIENTS LEFT.
WELCOME, DANIEL.
I'M BARRY.
NO LONGER THE YOUNGSTER
OF THIS GROUP.
ONLY 60. A BABY!
BUT DESPITE HIS YOUTH,
HE'S A FAMOUS
CLASSICAL SCHOLAR.
NOW THAT THAT'S
TAKEN CARE OF,
WHAT SHOULD WE
BEGIN WITH FIRST, HUH?
LET'S HUDDLE ON
OUR MAIN NEMESIS,
OUR CHILDREN.
DON'T GET ME STARTED
TALKING ABOUT MY CHILD CHUCKY.
HE'S SO INFANTILE.
NOW I CAN' SPEAK TO HIM,
OR EVEN MY GRANDDAUGHTER
CAROL ANYMORE.
WE USED TO GET TOGETHER FOR
GRANDDAD-GRANDDAUGHTER TIMES.
SHE WON'T SAY
TWO WORDS TO ME NOW.
HE'S GETTING DIVORCED,
AND HE'S STILL LIVING AT HOME.
IT'S TERRIBLE FOR CAROL.
SHE'S CAUGHT BETWEEN
HER PARENTS.
- YOU CAN'T HELP.
- NO.
I CAN'T HELP.
HE'S MY SON,
CAROL IS MY
GRANDDAUGHTER,
AND I CAN'T HELP.
I CAN ONLY WATCH.
AT LEAST WE'RE LUCKY
WE ALL HAVE CHILDREN
WE CAN RELY ON.
I DON'T HAVE
ANY CHILDREN
I CAN RELY ON.
MORTY, YOU GO TWO GROWN KIDS.
IF YOU'RE IN TROUBLE,
YOU CALL THEM.
YOU, JACK.
YOU I'LL CALL
IF I'M SICK,
NOT MY CHILDREN.
I HARDLY TALK TO THEM.
YOU ALL REMEMBER WHEN
I GOT BAR MITZVAHED AGAIN?
YOU ALL WERE THERE.
- YEAH.
- YES.
MY KIDS COULDN'T BELIEVE
THEY THOUGHT THEY WOULD BE
THE ONLY ONES
WHO WOULD BE THERE.
THERE'S YOUR SISTER
YOU COULD CALL
IF YOU WERE ILL.
HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO HER
IN OVER A YEAR.
AND FORGET ABOUT MY EX.
NOT ON SPEAKING TERMS.
( men chattering
and laughing )
IT'S NOT EASY NOT BEING
THE MAIN GUY ANYMORE.
WE ALL KNOW THA BY NOW.
( men continue
talking )
WELL, GENTLEMEN,
THAT DOES IT FOR TONIGHT.
WRITING THE NEX GREAT NOVEL?
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I AM.
ARE YOU WAITING FOR
YOUR FATHER, TOO?
YEP. SURE AM.
UM...
LAURA.
LAURA. ONE OF
MY FAVORITE MOVIES.
THE GORGEOUS STAR
WAS VERY NEARLY
AS CAPTIVATING AS YOU.
UH, RIGHT.
I DON'T BELIEVE
WE'VE MET BEFORE.
WHO'S YOUR DAD?
IT'S...
HIM.
GEE, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO MEET DR. BERNSTEIN'S SON.
NOW YOU HAVE.
LUCKY YOU AND LUCKIER ME.
WELL, HELLO, SWEETHEART.
DANIEL, I SEE YOU'VE ME MY DAUGHTER LAURA.
I'VE HAD THAT PLEASURE.
THANK YOU, DR. BERNSTEIN.
LISTEN, SWEETIE,
I THINK WE SHOULD
GET HOME RIGHT AWAY.
AND I'LL SEE YOU
TOMORROW, DANIEL.
T.T.F.N., DANIEL.
CAN'T CATCH A BREAK.
Driver: THERE HE IS,
MISS DAVIDSON.
AHA. HOW ARE YOU,
THOMAS?
AND HOW ARE
YOUR GRANDCHILDREN?
THEY'RE JUST DANDY,
PROFESSOR.
YOU'RE LOOKIN' MIGHTY FINE.
MAKIN' TIME WITH THE CO-EDS?
YOU MAKE ME BLUSH, SIR.
- YOU KNOW THOMAS?
- USUAL PLACE?
MORE SECRETS.
EVERYONE KNOWS
THIS MAN BUT ME.
AND WHERE ARE WE GOING?
I THOUGHT I WAS
TAKING YOU FOR LUNCH.
YOU DATE YOUR STUDENTS,
PROFESSOR BLACKMON?
THOMAS TEASES ME
BECAUSE HE KNOWS
I'M A CONFIRMED BACHELOR.
HE KNOWS THAT MEN MY AGE
AREN'T ONLY UNATTRACTIVE
TO YOUNGER WOMEN,
WE'RE INVISIBLE.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, THOMAS?
YES, PLEASE,
THE USUAL PLACE.
I THOUGHT, ZOE, WE WOULD
DINE WHERE YOUR FATHER
AND I USED TO SUP.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THE FINES OF NEW YORK'S HAUTE CUISINE.
- YASSOU.
- YASSOU FILE MOU.
HOW'S BUSINESS?
YOU BRING ME ALWAYS
GOOD LUCK, PROFESSOR.
( speaks Greek )
TWO OF THE USUAL, PLEASE.
THERE, ZOE.
SEE THE GORGEOUS GOLDEN
PYRAMIDAL ROOF,
AND THE SPLENDID
SPANDRELS?
IT'S THE 40-STORY NEW YORK
LIFE INSURANCE BUILDING.
DESIGNED BY CASS GILBER IN 1926.
THE INDIANA LIMESTONE,
THE GOTHIC STYLE.
AND AFTER TODAY, MY FAVORITE
ARCHITECTURE IN THE CITY.
AND WHY NOW YOUR FAVORITE?
BECAUSE IT'S
THE LIFE BUILDING,
AND ZOE MEANS LIFE
IN GREEK.
THIS WAS DELICIOUS,
PROFESSOR.
AH! WHAT TYPE OF LAW
DO YOU PRACTICE, ZOE?
A DIVORCE ATTORNEY.
AS YOUR FATHER'S DAUGHTER,
I'M SURE YOU DO YOUR BES
TO RECONCILE THE PARTIES
AND FIND HARMONY BETWEEN
THE HUSBAND AND WIFE.
I KNOW I'M NAIVE,
BUT I'M NOT A MODERN MAN.
I AM TERRIBLY
SORRY, PROFESSOR,
BUT I HAVE
AN APPOINTMENT.
CAN THOMAS TAKE YOU
ANYWHERE?
NO, NO, NO.
NOT AT ALL, DEAR.
I WAS ACTUALLY
PLANNING ON STROLLING
UP TO THE NEW YORK
PUBLIC LIBRARY TO STUDY
A RARE BOOK THEY HAVE
ON NORSE MYTHOLOGY.
BUT I DO LOOK FORWARD
TO SEEING YOU AGAIN,
WHENEVER YOU THINK YOU CAN
TOLERATE THE COMPANY
OF AN OLDER MAN.
SIXTY IS YOUNG,
PROFESSOR.
THE INTERNET.
I FORGET WE'RE ALL
SO PUBLIC NOWADAYS.
AND I AM YOUNG.
THANK YOU FOR NOTICING.
I SUPPOSE I JUS ACT THIS WAY SO
PEOPLE YOUR AGE
DON'T THINK ME FOOLISH.
WELL, ADIEU,
SWEET GIRL.
AND ZOE,
PLEASE CALL ME BARRY.
I DON'T CARE
WHO TALKS FIRST.
I JUST WANNA
HELP YOU.
OKAY. HELP ME WITH
YOUR DAUGHTER'S
TELEPHONE NUMBER.
TELL ME YOUR IMPRESSIONS
OF LAST NIGHT.
ROB IS HAVING DIFFICULTIES
DEALING WITH HIS LOSS
OF INFLUENCE AND CONTROL
OVER HIS SON'S LIFE.
YOU BRINGING HIM
TO SAY SO ALOUD
WAS VERY THERAPEUTIC.
GOOD WORK, DOCTOR.
HE NEEDS TO LE HIS GRANDDAUGHTER KNOW
IT'S OKAY IF THEY JUS SIT TOGETHER QUIETLY,
OR WATCH A MOVIE
WITHOUT SPEAKING.
SHE'LL COME AROUND
WHEN SHE'S READY.
TELL THE WHOLE FAMILY
TO TAKE TWO ASPIRIN
AND CALL ME
IN THE MORNING.
AMUSED.
STILL, YOU COULD BE
A TOP-NOTCH PSYCHIATRIST,
BUT INTELLEC IS NOT ENOUGH.
WHO SAID I WANNA
BE A SHRINK?
OR ANY KIND OF M.D.?
I KNOW FOR A FAC YOU WERE PRE-MED AT YALE,
AND YOU GOT INTO
EVERY MEDICAL SCHOOL
YOU APPLIED TO.
SO... WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
WHAT HAPPENED?
DIDN'T WANNA BE
ONE OF THOSE IDIOTS
GOING TO TRADE SCHOOL
TO FIX MENTAL FAUCETS.
I'D RATHER BE
A REAL PLUMBER.
SPEAKING OF PLUMBERS,
DID YOU EVER HEAR--
PLEASE STOP.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU,
AND STOP DEFENDING YOURSELF.
I'M NOT ATTACKING YOU.
YOU USE LANGUAGE
AS A WEAPON AND A SHIELD.
THE ONLY WAR
IS INSIDE OF YOU,
BUT WORDS CAN'T HELP.
I'M SURPRISED AT YOU.
DON'T YOU KNOW
THAT THERAPY
IS SUPPOSED TO TAKE
MONTHS, YEARS,
MAYBE FOREVER?
LAYING IT ALL
ON THE TABLE SO SOON
ISN'T IN THE PSYCHIATRIC
PLAYBOOK, IS IT?
THIS IS
NO GAME, DANIEL.
I'M NOT PLAYING
WITH YOUR LIFE.
NEXT TIME YOU JUMP
OFF A BRIDGE OR MIX
DRUGS WITH ALCOHOL,
YOU COULD PREVEN A BRILLIANT CAREER,
WITH A WIFE AND CHILDREN.
DEATH IS FOREVER.
IT CAN WAIT ITS TURN.
NOW TELL ME ABOU YOUR DEPRESSION.
WHAT ARE YOU,
SOME KIND OF MIND READER?
FIRST I'M A LOST LAMB
HEADSHRINKER.
NOW I'M A DEPRESSED NUT.
WHAT HAVE I GOT TO BE
DEPRESSED ABOUT ANYWAY?
I'VE GOT A TRUST FUND.
FRIENDS, A BEAUTIFUL
HOME AWAY FROM HOME
HERE IN ZOMBIEVILLE.
THIS... IS THE LIFE.
WHAT KIND OF LIFE
IS IT, HMM?
TRY STICKING TO
YOUR REGIMEN,
IF YOU POSSIBLY CAN.
THEN MAYBE YOU CAN
PULL YOUR LIFE TOGETHER AGAIN.
YEAH.
SURE.
WHY DO YOU ATTEMP SUICIDE?
WHY NOT?
I WAS TOP OF MY CLASS
AT PREP SCHOOL,
AND VALEDICTORIAN
AT YALE,
DESPITE MY HABIT.
THEN I NEEDED
MORE OF THE STUFF
AND MORE OFTEN.
FIRST FEW WEEKS
OF MED SCHOOL,
I WAS SO ZONKED,
I COULDN' GET OUT OF BED.
SO I DROPPED OUT.
WHAT SHOULD I DO
NOW, DOC?
SPEND MY LIFE
WHORING HALF THE TIME,
AND ASLEEP
THE OTHER HALF,
WHILE MY BUDDIES
HAVE REAL LIVES?
I SCREWED UP...
ROYALLY.
BEYOND HELP.
YOU HAPPY NOW, DOC?
NO, NO. I'M NOT HAPPY.
AND YOU'RE NO BEYOND REDEMPTION.
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW, DANIEL.
THAT'S IT?
CARL ROGERS SAID,
WHEN I CAN ACCEPT MYSELF
AS I AM,
I CAN CHANGE.
I KNEW IT.
YOU ARE A CARL ROGERS
DISCIPLE.
HE WAS MY MENTOR.
WE PUBLISHED A COUPLE
OF PEER REVIEW ARTICLES
TOGETHER.
WE WERE CLOSE FRIENDS,
AND COLLEAGUES.
YOU'RE A CLOSE FRIEND
AND COLLEAGUE OF CARL ROGERS.
YES.
( phone ringing )
AHOY THERE, MATEY.
PRETTY ROUGH SEA YOU FOUND
YOURSELF IN. YOU OKAY?
ARGH, COULDN'T BE BETTER,
ME HEARTY.
'TWAS THE GROG
THAT DID ME IN, YOU SCURVY DOG.
I THINK IT WAS THE WENCH
THAT KEELHAULED YOU, DANDY MAN.
WE MISSED YOU AT MY QUOTIDIAN
BASH LAST NIGHT, OLD BEAN.
A CERTAIN TEMPTRESS
WANTS ANOTHER SHOT AT YOU.
YOU THINK CHARLIE WOULD
EVEN TALK TO ME AGAIN?
TALK ISN'T WHAT'S
ON HER MIND.
YEAH? WILL SHE BE THERE
SATURDAY NIGHT?
WITH BELLS ON
HER CLOVEN TOES.
I DON'T KNOW.
I PROBABLY SHOULD
SIT THIS ONE OUT, BRUCIE.
HAVING YOUR STOMACH PUMPED
ISN'T THE FUN
THAT IT'S
MADE OUT TO BE.
- HI.
- NOT A PROBLEM, DANDY.
YOU SHOULD
SIT THIS ONE OUT.
I'LL JUST TELL HER
THAT YOU CONSIDER HER
AN UNWORTHY SLU
AND SHE OUGHTA
TAKE UP WITH ME AGAIN.
WITH YOU?
YEAH. THERE'S NO
READY TOMATO
LIKE THE ONE REBOUNDING
FROM PUKE ON HER DRESS.
OKAY, PAL. YOU'VE
SWEET-TALKED ME INTO
ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR
LOWBROW SOIREES.
YOU DON'T HAPPEN TO KNOW
A GIRL
BY THE NAME OF
LAURA BERNSTEIN, DO YOU?
HOW WOULD YOU COME
TO KNOW THE NAME OF
AN HONEST WOMAN?
I'M WAITING, BRUCIE.
YOU WON'T LIKE ME
WHEN I'M ANGRY.
I DON'T MUCH
LIKE YOU NOW.
UH, WELL, LAURA AND CHARLIE
WERE BUDDIES AT THE SORBONNE.
QUITE THE BUDDING
LITERARY LION, I HEAR.
BESIDES HER DARLING FACE,
LAURA'S A CONSUMMATELY
DECENT WOMAN.
NOT AT ALL YOUR TYPE,
DANDY MAN.
WHAT'S HER NUMBER?
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I COULD ASK CHARLOTTE
TO BRING LAURA
TO THE PARTY.
DON'T BE AN ASS.
ASK CHARLIE FOR THE NUMBER,
AND DON'T TELL HER
IT'S FOR ME.
I'LL CATCH YA LATER.
- BERTRAND!
- COMING, SIR.
BERTRAND, CALL
HAMPTON CATERING.
TELL THEM TO DOUBLE THE AMOUN OF PERRIER-JOUET FOR SATURDAY.
AND TELL PIROT TO BRING
EXTRA SNOW FOR DAN TOPLER.
OKAY, MORTY,
WHY DON'T YOU
START THE MEETING?
AS YOU ALL KNOW,
JACK HAS TO HAVE SURGERY
FOR THE TUMOR THEY FOUND
LAST MONTH,
AND JACK, WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE IT FROM THERE, HUH?
ACTUALLY, THEY FOUND
TWO TUMORS
TWISTED AROUND
MY KIDNEY.
THEY'RE GONNA SCHEDULE
SOME MORE TESTS,
AND MY OPERATION WILL BE
SOON AFTER.
BUT WHAT SCARES ME MOS IS THE FACT THAT,
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS
OF BEING A DOCTOR,
I'M JUST A STRANGER,
ANOTHER PATIENT IN
A HOSPITAL
I NEVER EVEN VISITED.
I ALMOST NEVER
LOSE PHONE NUMBERS,
BUT WHAT CAN I SAY?
THE PRESSURES OF
DAILY LIFE,
THE CORPORATE
BOARD MEETINGS,
THE PRESS INTERVIEWS,
ET CETERA, ET CETERA.
THEY SUCK THE LIFE
OUT OF YOU.
SO PLEASE,
GIVE IT TO ME AGAIN.
NOT TOO FAST,
'CAUSE I'M A LITTLE SLOW.
ACTUALLY,
YOU'RE AS FAS AS THEY COME.
AND SINCE WE'RE
BROTHER AND SISTER,
WHY DON'T YOU ASK
OUR FATHER IF YOU'VE
FORGOTTEN THE NUMBER.
AH, YES.
MY LITTLE FIB.
WHAT DID DADDY-O
SAY ABOUT ME?
DADDY-O DIDN'T SAY
ANYTHING AT ALL.
WHAT SHALL WE SAY?
( sighs )
I'M A PATIENT OF
DR. BERNSTEIN'S
AT LIVE FREE
OR DIE.
I'M HERE A THE NEW BEGINNINGS MEETINGS
TO WITNESS THE REAL
DIFFICULTIES AND PLEASURES
OF LIFE AND AGING.
I'M FORBIDDEN
TO DRINK ALCOHOL
OR TAKE DRUGS.
THE MIXTURE, WITH MY MEDICINE,
MIGHT KILL ME.
CONCISE CONFESSION
AND SELF-ANALYSIS.
THAT'S EXCELLENT,
DANIEL.
HONEY, I GOTTA GO.
I GOTTA GET UP
EARLY TOMORROW, OKAY?
YOUR NUMBER, LAURA?
LOOK, I WANNA
TALK TO YOU.
YOU'RE MY PATIENT,
AND YOU'RE STILL
IN DANGER, IT SEEMS TO ME.
FURTHERMORE, THIS IS
NOT THE TIME TO PURSUE
ROMANTIC INTERESTS.
YOU DON'T THINK
I'M FIT TO SEE
YOUR DAUGHTER, DOC?
IS THAT IT?
THAT'S EXACTLY IT.
STAY AWAY FROM HER.
ARE YOU SPEAKING
AS MY DOCTOR OR
HER FATHER?
BOTH, FRANKLY.
ALL RIGHT, HONEY,
LET'S GO.
AH, PATIENTS ARE FUNNY,
DANIEL TOPLER.
YOU KNOW ME?
THE DOCTORS KNOW
ALL THE GUESTS.
YA KNOW, WE HAVE TO
CALL THEM THAT.
GOD FORBID, WE CALL
THEM PATIENTS.
SIT DOWN.
WHY ARE WE FUNNY, DOC?
PLEASE.
CALL ME DOCTOR.
WHY FUNNY?
( chuckles )
FOR EXAMPLE,
I HAVE THIS ONE...
GUES
WHO NEVER ARRIVES
ON TIME.
HE'S A CONTROL FREAK.
COMING LATE IS A WAY
OF SHOWING ME
THAT HE CALLS THE SHOTS
AROUND HERE.
HAVE I JOINED
THE MEDICAL STAFF?
SO, AT OUR
LAST MEETING,
I SAY TO HIM WHEN HE
COMES IN 20 MINUTES LATE,
"YOU'RE A BIT TARDY.
WHY DO YOU THINK
THAT IS?"
BY THE TEXTBOOK
PROFESSIONAL
WITH ALL THAT RIGMAROLE
I LEARNED AT HARVARD
MEDICAL SCHOOL.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
WHY, HE SAYS,
"I'M NOT LATE AT ALL."
THAT'S WHA THAT NUT SAYS.
CAN YOU IMAGINE IT?
WELL, SOME OF US HERE
ARE IN NEED OF PSYCHIATRIC
HELP, I'M TOLD.
( laughs )
THEN WHAT DID
YOU SAY?
YOU SEE?
THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
HMM.
YOU PATIENTS
TAKE LIBERTIES.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I SAID.
"MY TIME HERE
IS VALUABLE.
"I CAN'T WASTE IT WAITING FOR
HALF-WITS LIKE YOU
TO WANDER IN
WHEN THEY FEEL LIKE IT."
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
PRETTY STRONG STUFF.
NOW,
THIS... THIS...
PATIENT... UH,
PATIENT SAYS...
( exhales loudly )
THIS PATIENT SAYS,
"20 MINUTES IS NOTHIN'."
SO I SAY TO HIM,
"MAYBE 20 MINUTES
IS NOTHIN' TO YOU,
LARS, GODDAMN IT--"
NEVER MET A LARS
I DIDN'T LIKE.
THE GOOD LORD JEHOVAH
MADE THE EARTH
IN SEVEN DAYS!
- SIX, REALLY.
- AND 20 MINUTES
IS ENOUGH TIME TO FILL
THE WATERS WITH FISHES
AND MAKE THIS BREATH
SINNER SCREAM.
OR MY NAME ISN' DR. JACOB Q. BERNSTEIN.
I'M GLAD I FOUND
YOU, LARS.
DANIEL, YOU'LL HAVE TO
EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT.
I HAVE TO HAVE
A BRIEF CHA WITH THIS GUEST.
SORRY I'M A BI TARDY, JACK.
BUT I THINK I'M ONLY
THAT'S ALL RIGHT, LARS.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
TWENTY MINUTES IS
NOTHING, NOTHING.
COME.
( rueful chuckling )
WOW!
GOODY GOODY.
RORSCHACH TEST.
DO I GET TO LOOK A PICTURES OF VAGINAS?
( clears throat )
TELL ME THE FIRST THING
THAT COMES TO YOUR MIND.
SEX.
FIRST YOU HAVE TO
LOOK AT THE INKBLOT.
IT WON'T CHANGE.
IT'LL STILL BE SEX.
LOOK, I AM TRYING
TO HELP YOU.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TRY TO BE GOOD.
THANK YOU.
WELL?
WHICH PART OF THE PICTURE
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO X-RAY?
DO YOU THINK
THAT MAKES A DIFFERENCE?
OBSERVING THE PROJECTION
OF MY PERSONALITY
ONTO THE PICTURE
IS THE POINT OF
THE TEST, IS IT NOT?
YES, THAT'S CORRECT.
OBVIOUSLY, YOU'VE BEEN
DOING SOME READING
ABOUT THE SUBJECT.
WELL, THEN, ARE YOU
INTERESTED IN THE ANAL PAR
OF MY PERSONALITY,
WHICH DEALS WITH
ONE PORTION OF
THE INKBLOT?
PERHAPS I SHOULD FOCUS ON
THE TERRIFYING SAVAGE FORMS
ON THE LOWER HALF.
THAT TELLS US IF
I'M ALIENATED.
JUST TELL ME WHA THE WHOLE PICTURE SAYS
TO YOU, WOULD YOU PLEASE?
IT'S A PORCUPINE.
OH! AT LAST,
SOME COOPERATION.
AND WHAT IS
THE PORCUPINE DOING?
IT'S PLAYING WITH
ITS VAGINA.
( grunting)
WHAT A LAME EXCUSE
TO INVITE HIM OVER
SO SOON.
I WOULD BE DELIGHTED,
MY DEAR.
I LOOK FORWARD TO DINING
WITH YOU THIS EVENING
AT 9:00.
SOUNDS SO FORMAL
AND OLD-FASHIONED.
WHAT AN ASS I AM.
I JUST WANNA THANK YOU
FOR THE WONDERFUL LUNCH
YESTERDAY.
GOD! IT COULDN'T HAVE
SOUNDED MORE LIKE
A HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH.
HE MUST THINK
I'M AN OVERGROWN TEENAGER.
MUST BE SOME SORT OF
CHARITY CASE FOR ZOE.
AN ACADEMIC ODDITY.
PERFECT FOR RIDICULE.
I'M SUCH A FOOL
TO BE INFATUATED.
( knocking on door )
- COME IN.
- ( door opens )
OOH LA LA!
WHO MIGHT THIS BE?
I DON'T KNOW, PROFESSOR.
I THINK I MIGHT PREFER YOU
IN YOUR COMFORTABLE
TEACHING DUDS
THAN THIS STYLISH
TAILORED SUIT.
I'D GLADLY WEAR ANYTHING
THAT PLEASES YOU, DEAR ZOE.
THIS BOTTLE IS FOR YOU.
THANK YOU.
I'VE BEEN SAVING THAT WINE
FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION.
IT'S FROM A VINEYARD
ON SANTORINI ISLAND
IN THE AEGEAN SEA
JUST NORTH OF CRETE.
BUT THE ISLAND'S
ANCIENT NAME, CALISTA,
SUITS YOU BETTER.
AND WHY IS THAT,
PROFESSOR?
PLEASE, CALL ME BARRY.
BECAUSE CALISTA MEANS
"THE FAIREST ONE."
OH, YOU'RE SO SWEET...
BARRY.
BUT I PROMISED TO SHOW YOU
HOW TO USE
YOUR FATHER'S TELESCOPE.
THIS IS A GALAXY
WITH A GLOBAL
POSITIONING SYSTEM.
AT NIGHT, YOU CAN SEE
THE RINGS OF SATURN.
DURING THE DAY,
DAZZLING SUNSPOTS.
IT HAS A PRECISION
FRONT CORRECTOR LENS.
YOU KNOW EVERYTHING.
THAT'S THE M.I.T. NERD
IN ME, ZOE.
PAY NO ATTENTION.
WITH A LENS LIKE THIS,
THERE'S VIRTUALLY
NO DISTORTION IN THE OPTICS.
IS THERE ANYTHING
YOU DON'T KNOW, BARRY?
WHEN I LOOK AT YOU, ZOE,
I REALIZE I DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING AT ALL.
All: DANDY DAN!
MAYBE I'VE HAD
ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE.
WE HAVE SURPRISE FOR YOU.
- HEY, DANDY DAN.
- WHOA!
- HELLO.
- I LIKE YOUR JACKET.
BETTER AND BETTER.
THANK YOU.
I THINK I LIKE
YOUR JACKET BETTER OFF.
OKAY. SOME PARTY.
I THINK I'D LIKE
THIS BETTER OFF, TOO.
( laughter )
I THINK YOU
DESERVE A DRINK.
- NO.
- COME ON.
Daniel: NO. NO!
I DON'T WANT IT.
CHARLOTTE, LAURA.
WHAT A SURPRISE.
- COME ON, JUST...
- NO.
- JUST A LITTLE SIP.
- NO!!
CATCH A RIDE HOME, CHARLIE.
DID I THANK YOU
FOR SAVING MY LIFE,
BY THE WAY?
YOUR DAD SAYS THE LITTLE
BITTY RED ONES CAN BE
FATAL WITH ALCOHOL.
IT'S GOOD MATERIAL
FOR MY NOVEL,
EVEN IF IT COST ME
MY FAVORITE BLOUSE.
AND NOW, I FEAR,
YOUR BRA AND UNDIES.
THANK YOU, DR. BERNSTEIN,
FOR SHOWING ME HOW
DANNY IS DOING.
HE'S MAKING MUCH BETTER
PROGRESS THAN I'D HOPED
FOR, MR. TOPLER.
WOW! I SEE WHA YOU MEAN, DOCTOR.
IS THAT PART OF
THE TREATMENT?
( gasps )
NO, THAT'S NO PART OF THE TREATMENT.
THAT'S MY DAUGHTER.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE
DANIEL AGAIN EVER.
WHAT ARE YOU
LOOKING AT?
( line ringing )
- LAURA.
- DAN.
- I'M SORRY.
- I'M SORRY.
WHAT IF DADDY
SENDS YOU TO PRISON?
IT WOULDN'T BE
PROFESSIONAL OF HIM
TO TAKE HIS FEELINGS OU ON ME.
AM I EVER GONNA
SEE YOU AGAIN?
TONIGHT, LOVER.
I'M WRITING MY OWN STORY
FOR A CHANGE.
BUT TURN YOUR ALARM ON
THIS TIME, DUMMY.
( laughs )
WHOO-HOO!
SO HOW DO YOU KNOW
THE DANDY MAN?
THE DANDY MAN?
THE STUD YOU STOLE
FROM ME AT BRUCE'S.
DAN TOPLER.
THAT'S THE GUY
YOU'VE BEEN STALKING?
DANNY'S ALL YOURS, LAURA.
I HAVE OTHER FISH
TO FRY JUST NOW.
WHAT HAPPENED, CHARLIE?
DAN'S NOT UP TO
YOUR LEVEL OF
COMPETITION?
- FOR NOW.
- FOR NOW?
MMM. I MIGHT NOT BE
THROUGH WITH HIM JUST YET.
AND YOU? ARE YOU STILL
A CHASTE ALBEIT SMUTTY WRITER
AFTER YOU DRAGGED
THE DANDY MAN FROM ME?
- NO.
- OOH, START TO SHOVEL.
I AM ALL EARS FOR THE DIRT.
IT'S KIND OF
EMBARRASSING.
YOU KNOW DAN
AS WELL AS I DO.
EMBARRASSING SOUNDS STRANGE
COMING FROM A NICE JEWISH GIRL
WHO STRIPS IN FRON OF DRUGGIES AND DRAGS
A HALF-NAKED MAN
OUT THE DOOR.
WE WENT TO HIS... PLACE.
YES, GO ON.
DID HE FUCK YOU?
- CHARLIE, HOW CAN YOU
TALK LIKE THAT?
- OH, COME ON!
YOU USE MY EVERY WORD
IN YOUR NOVELS.
FROM NOW ON, I AM WRITING
STORIES WITH MATERIAL
FROM MY OWN LIFE,
NOT YOURS ANYMORE.
BRUCE CALLED AND INVITED ME
TO KEEP COMING TO AS MANY
PARTIES AS I LIKE.
I DON'T THINK
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, LAURA.
THAT CROWD'S INTO
HARD DRUGS, NO JUST DRINKING.
- YOU PARTY WITH 'EM.
- BUT I CAN PROTECT MYSELF.
BRUCE INVITES LOWLIFES
FOR ATMOSPHERE.
IT AMUSES HIM TO HAVE
GUYS LIKE PIROT AROUND,
BUT THEY CAN
BE DANGEROUS.
DAN'S JUST A HARMLESS
PREPPY BY COMPARISON.
AND WHAT MAKES YOU
SUCH AN EXPERT ON DANNY?
I'M NOT AN EXPER ON HIM, LAURA.
YOU'RE JEALOUS,
BECAUSE HE WANTS ME
AND NOT YOU.
NOW HE'S
THE INVINCIBLE ONE.
NO MAN IS INVINCIBLE.
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
YOU WERE CHARLOTTE'S
LOVER, DAN.
LAURA.
MAYBE I SHOULD SEE
IF SHE'S OKAY.
THAT PSYCHO'S BEEN
CHASING HER.
YOU'RE A PATIEN HERE, REMEMBER, DAN?
THIS ISN'T THE TEMPLE
MEETINGS WHERE MY FATHER
LETS YOU PRETEND TO BE
A MEDICAL STUDENT.
THEY HAVE PSYCHIATRISTS,
REAL PSYCHIATRISTS,
WHO CAN HELP HER.
Girl: STOP FOLLOWING ME.
WE'RE GONNA
TALK ABOUT THIS.
FOR ME, IT HAS TO BE NOW.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK,
DREAMBOAT.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
TALK ABOUT IT?
I'M A DOCTOR.
NO, LARS,
SHE WOULDN'T.
WOULD YOU TWO OLD GUYS
JUST BEAT IT?
Both: OLD GUYS?
YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY
ON THE OUTSIDE OF THIS ZOO
LOOKIN' IN A GLASS WINDOW,
ARE YOU, MY BOY?
YOU BETTER DROP
THAT DOCTOR CRAP, LARS.
THEY'LL PUT YOU IN
A REAL JAIL.
I'M A REAL DOCTOR,
YOUNG MAN.
I TOLD YOU.
A PSYCHOANALYST.
SUCH HORSESHIT.
A DAZED, DIRECTIONLESS
DRUG ADDICT,
WHO'S NEVER DONE
A LICK OF WORK,
KNOWS WHAT'S REAL?
BUT, YOU KNOW,
MANY PSYCHIATRISTS
CHOOSE THEIR CAREERS
TO SOLVE
THEIR OWN PROBLEMS.
JACK BERNSTEIN
OFTEN ASKS MY ADVICE
ABOUT CASES.
GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF
BEFORE YOU CRITICIZE ME,
YOU JUNKIE.
AT LEAST I'M A HAS-BEEN,
NOT A NEVER-WERE
LIKE YOU... DANDY MAN.
ISN'T THA WHAT THEY CALL YOU?
HELEN, THAT FRUITCAKE LARS
CLAIMS HE'S A REAL SHRINK.
FORMER CHIEF PSYCHIATRIS AT BELLEVUE.
REALLY? WHAT HAPPENED?
ONE DAY, HE WAS
PICKED UP STANDING IN
BLOOMINGDALE'S WINDOW.
( horns honking,
people exclaiming )
( siren approaching )
OH!
OH, NO.
- HI.
- HEY.
THESE ARE PICTURES
OF MY EX-WIFE MILDRED.
WHY SO MANY?
I SET FIRE TO ONE
EACH NIGHT, MAY SHE
REST IN PEACE.
WHEN DID SHE DIE?
I'M STILL WAITING.
( laughter )
WELL, ON THAT NOTE,
SUPPOSE WE DISCUSS
DEPRESSION TONIGHT, ALL RIGHT?
I GOT LAID OFF
MY FIRST JOB
AT A COLLEGE.
I COULDN'T FIND
WORK FOR MONTHS.
I FELT LIKE
A FAILURE.
MY CONSULTING WITH
LIVE FREE OR DIE
CERTAINLY HELPED ME
OVERCOME THE FEAR I HAD
FOR MY UPCOMING SURGERY.
WHO'S GONNA LEAD
THE DISCUSSIONS DURING...
WHILE YOU'RE
RECUPERATING, JACK?
DAN HAS VOLUNTEERED,
IF IT'S ALL RIGH WITH YOU FELLAS.
( all agreeing )
- WHAT?
- I THINK
THAT'S GREAT, DAN.
WE COULD USE SOME
YOUNG BLOOD IN
THESE MEETINGS.
( stammering )
THANKS FOR THE TOTALLY
UNDESERVED VOTE OF
CONFIDENCE, MEN.
( laughter )
SINCE MY OPERATION'S
COMING UP PRETTY SOON,
WHY DON'T YOU
START TONIGHT, HUH?
UH...
DEPRESSION...
UH, CAN HIT ANYONE
AS WE GROW OLDER.
( chuckling )
OKAY, OKAY. I'M NO AS OLD AS YOU ARE.
NOT BY HALF.
YEAH, WE'RE NOT YOUNG
AND HEALTHY ANYMORE.
WELL, YOU'D BE SURPRISED.
EVEN AT MY AGE...
LIFE'S NOT EASY.
I HAVE TO FORCE MYSELF
TO GET OUT OF BED.
YA KNOW? NOT GE DRAGGED DOWN
BY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS.
FIGURE OUT...
WHY I SHOULD LIVE
EACH DAY.
I HAD DEPRESSION!
WELL, THANK YOU
FOR SHARING THAT, SAM.
IS THAT OPERATION
ON YOUR LEG GETTIN' YOU DOWN?
I CAN'T WALK ANYWHERE
WITHOUT THIS ANYMORE.
I'M BORED.
BORED TO DEATH.
DO YOU SEE
YOUR GRANDCHILDREN?
I WISH I HAD
GRANDCHILDREN.
I'M JUST A LONELY
BACHELOR NOW.
WHY LONELY? I BE THERE'S PLENTY OF WOMEN
WHO'D LIKE TO SHARE
YOUR COMPANY.
NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT,
I DO SEE WOMEN LOOKIN' AT ME.
YEAH. THEY WONDER
WHAT'S KEEPING YOU
FROM FALLING DOWN.
YOU PUTZ.
I SAW YOU READING.
BEEN TRYING TO RAISE FUNDS
FOR A NEW LIBRARY FOR
OVER TWO YEARS NOW.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
A LIBRARY WOULD BE
A GOOD PLACE
FOR YOU TO MEET A WOMAN.
IT'S A LITTLE SILLY,
DON'T YOU THINK,
FOR ME TO STAR DATING AGAIN?
YOU KNOW, MORTY,
I KNOW A VERY ATTRACTIVE
SINGLE WOMAN,
THE ATHLETIC DIRECTOR
AT LIVE FREE OR DIE,
LOOKIN' FOR
A MAN LIKE YOU.
- ATHLETIC, HUH?
- OH, YEAH.
I COULD INTRODUCE YOU.
INTRODUCE ME,
FOR CHRIST SAKE?
FOR 40 YEARS,
I'VE BEEN MAKING
INTROS FOR OTHERS
AS A CONSULTANT.
IF A BABE WANTS
TO GLOM A REAL MAN,
I'M THE GUY.
OKAY, SUIT YOURSELF.
I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
WHENEVER.
SOME ROTTEN FRIEND
YOU ARE.
ROTTEN IS WHA I DO BEST, OLD CHUM.
WHAT SEEMS TO BE
THE PROBLEM?
WELL, LET'S START WITH
ATTEMPTED MURDER
WHEN YOU TRIED TO
PLY ME WITH MARTINIS
IN THE CASTLE CHAMBER
UPSTAIRS LAST SATURDAY.
WHY WOULD I MURDER YOU
WHEN YOU'RE DOING
SUCH A BONNIE GOOD JOB
OF DOING IT YOURSELF?
YOU SET ME UP, BRUCE.
LAURA AND CHARLIE
ARRIVING IN THE ROOM
AT THE EXACT MOMEN
I'M SET UP AS
AN OBJECT OF RIDICULE
FOR YOUR DRUGGIE
HANGERS-ON.
LAURA WASN' SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.
NOT EVEN YOU, MY FRIEND,
CAN TELL ME WHOM
I CAN INVITE IN
MY OWN HOME.
SO WHAT'S YOUR COMPLAINT?
I'M SURE YOU NAILED LAURA,
WHO, BY THE WAY,
LIES UPSTAIRS NEXT TO
THE CHIPSTER
WITH SEVERAL LINES
IN HER NOSTRILS.
- I WONDER IF
HE'S DRILLED HER YET.
- I'LL BREAK HIM IN HALF.
DAN, DON'T DO
ANYTHING STUPID.
( Laura giggling )
DANDY MAN.
HOW'S TRICKS?
DANDY MAN, YOU'RE
A HELL OF A LOT STRONGER
THAN ONE MIGHT THINK.
WELL, CLARK KENT,
I GUESS THAT MAKES
ME LOIS LANE, HUH?
GET DRESSED.
DO I GET TO SEE
THE ICE CASTLES
LIKE IN SUPERMAN 3?
SUPERMAN 2.
WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER HERE
AND PROVE YOU'RE A MAN OF STEEL.
WHEN DID YOU GIVE UP READING
THE NEW YORKER FOR HUSTLER?
PUT YOUR DRESS ON.
AH, SCREW YOU, DAN.
YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN
ALL THIS TIME IF YOU'RE
SO DAMN HOT FOR ME?
LET'S ASK YOUR FATHER
THESE QUESTIONS RIGH NOW, WHY DON'T WE?
SEE WHAT HE HAS TO SAY
ABOUT HIS DAUGHTER
SNIFFING BLOW.
DON'T DO THAT.
MY FATHER'S TOO ILL.
IT WOULD KILL HIM.
I'M GOING.
WE'RE GOING.
THIS IS OUR RELATIONSHIP?
MARKET RESEARCH
FOR THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL?
"THE ARMED AND DANGEROUS
POVERTY-STRICKEN BOY
"COULDN'T WAIT TO
RELIEVE HIS LUST.
"HE FORCED HER INTO
A NEARBY MOTEL
"WHERE HE RAVISHES
THE STUNNING BRALESS
AND NEARLY UNCONSCIOUS
AUTHOR."
WELL, I AM... OOH!
UNEMPLOYED, BUT I WOULDN' EXACTLY CALL MYSELF
DESTITUTE, LAURA.
AND WHO WANTS
TO RAVISH WHO?
RAVISH WHOM?
AND GO GET YOUR OWN JOB
IF YOU CAN.
THIS IS NONE OF
YOUR BUSINESS.
YOU KNOW I'M CRAZY
ABOUT YOU, DON'T YOU, LAURA?
YOU ARE CRAZY. PERIOD.
BUT NOT ONLY
IN A BAD WAY.
LET'S TALK.
IS TALK
THE FOUR-LETTER WORD
YOU HAD IN MIND?
DR. BERNSTEIN WAS TAKEN
TO THE HOSPITAL.
HE'S IN SEVERE PAIN.
LET ME HAVE
MY CAR KEYS, HELEN.
DR. HEINE HAS 'EM, HONEY.
( knocking on door )
PLEASE ENTER.
A VERY GOOD AFTERNOON
TO YOU, DR. HEINE.
I'M DANIEL TOPLER--
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
OKAY. BEFORE YOU LEAVE
FOR THE WEEKEND,
I THOUGHT I WOULD COME IN
AND GET ACQUAINTED.
LET YOU KNOW ABOU THE ROUTINE
THAT DR. BERNSTEIN
AND I HAVE.
I WAS SAD TO HEAR
OF HIS ILLNESS.
PROBABLY WON' MAKE IT, I IMAGINE.
- YOU GOT A LO OF NERVE--
- YES.
WELL, I WOULD LIKE
TO PAY HIM A VISIT.
WHILE I'M HERE, I WOULD
LIKE TO GET THE KEYS TO MY CAR
OR MY MONEY IN THE SAFE
FOR A CAB.
OUT OF THE QUESTION.
THANK YOU FOR
COMING, DANIEL.
WE WILL BE SEEING
A GREAT DEAL OF EACH OTHER,
BUT YOU MUS LEAVE NOW.
AUF WIEDERSEHEN.
I DON'T THINK
THIS MEN'S GROUP YOU ATTEND
CAN HELP YOU.
SO YOU WON'T BE NEEDING
THE KEYS FOR THAT, EITHER.
HAVE A PLEASANT WEEKEND.
THAT SCARFY THING.
MY, OH, MY.
LOOK WHAT BIRD
THE CAT DRAGGED IN
FROM THE LOONEY BIN
NEXT DOOR.
STILL FEELING HUFFY,
DANDY MAN, OR ARE YOU
JUST COMING TO THE BASH EARLY?
- LOOK, BRUCIE--
- SO IT'S BRUCIE
AGAIN, IS IT?
YOU GONNA THROW ME
OUT THE WINDOW, TOO?
ANY MORE OF THOSE
SHENANIGANS, OLD MAN,
AND I'LL BE FORCED
TO CROSS YOU OFF
MY INVITATION LIST.
I'M SORRY FOR
THE OTHER NIGHT.
WHAT HAPPENS TO ME
IS MY FAULT, NOT YOURS.
EXACTAMENT, MON AMI.
MY APOLOGIES
TO THE CHIPSTER.
POOR GUY COULDN' FORCE A LIFE-SIZE
PLASTIC DOLL
- TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM.
- HE'S TRIED, I ASSURE YOU.
BUT ENOUGH OF THAT.
WE'VE KNOWN
EACH OTHER FOREVER.
SO... YOU'RE HERE
TO CAROUSE NICELY
THIS TIME?
BRUCIE, DO YOU EVER
PARTAKE OF THE PIXIE DUS THAT YOU SERVE AT THE PARTIES?
ME? NO, NEVER
TOUCH THE STUFF.
NEVER?
DON'T YOU REMEMBER
THE VERY FIRST TIME
THE FOUR OF US
EVER BOUGHT SNOW TOGETHER
ON CHRISTMAS VACATION?
- WE ALL GOT RIPPED.
- HOW COULD I NOT REMEMBER?
YOU GOT SO STONED THA WE HAD TO CARRY YOU
TO THE PARKING GARAGE.
MM-HMM.
YOU BEGGED US
NOT TO TELL ANYONE,
OTHERWISE YOU MIGHT NO GET THE AWARD FOR
HEAD STUDENT AGAIN.
YOU WERE THE SCHOOL STAR.
IT WAS FUNNY TO SEE YOU
SO SPACED OUT.
BUT YOU TOOK SOME, TOO.
WE ALL DID.
NO, DANDY MAN.
ONLY YOU.
RONNIE, CHIPSTER AND I
ALL FAKED IT.
WE WERE TOO SCARED
TO TRY THE STUFF.
NONE OF THE FOUR OF US
HAVE EVER DUSTED OUR NOSES
WITH COKE BUT YOU, PAL.
I DO NEED A FAVOR.
BUT FIRST...
I WILL GIVE HIM
THE FAVOR.
THAT WON'T BE
NECESSARY, PIROT.
WHAT THE HELL
WAS THAT FOR?
THE DRUGS I'VE TAKEN
HAVE ALWAYS COME FROM YOU.
YOU COULD'VE BEEN
A BETTER FRIEND... BRUCIE.
YOU WERE ALWAYS
THE BRILLIANT ONE
IN SCHOOL, DAN.
EVERYTHING ALWAYS CAME
SO EASILY TO YOU.
AND I NEVER THOUGHT IT,
I SWEAR,
BUT MAYBE IT WAS
TO LEVEL THE PLAYING FIELD.
IS THAT SLUG TO MY CHIN
THE ONLY FAVOR YOU WANTED?
NO.
I NEED YOUR CAR.
AND SOME MONEY.
PIROT, INVITE THOSE TWINS
AGAIN FROM AMSTERDAM.
THEY WERE A BIG HIT.
( phone ringing )
Charlotte: WE HAVE UNFINISHED
BUSINESS, DANNY.
COME TO
150 CENTRAL PARK SOUTH.
CHARLOTTE'S
WAITING FOR YOU. COME NOW.
YES. COME NOW.
SO DAN THINKS
HE'S INVINCIBLE, DOES HE?
( knocking on door )
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
WE WERE GOING BOWLING, CHARLIE.
I WOULD'VE BROUGH MY OWN BALL.
NO MAN IS INVINCIBLE.
GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
LET'S DO LUNCH.
JUST VISITING.
BARRY'S NEXT.
( phone ringing )
Laura: DAN, WHERE ARE YOU?
I'M WORRIED.
HELEN SAID YOU LEF L.F.O.D. HOURS AGO.
I'M JUST STUCK IN
HEAVY TRAFFIC, LAURA,
BUT I'LL BE A THE HOSPITAL SOON.
BARRY, OPEN UP
THE DOOR NOW.
ZOE?
A PLEASANT SURPRISE,
EVEN AT THIS LATE HOUR.
( door buzzer buzzes )
YOU ARE GETTING LAID.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, ZOE?
YOU SEEM DISTRESSED.
NO. I SAID GET IN
THE BEDROOM NOW.
( chuckles )
YOU ARE GOING
TO BED ALONE.
DO NOT COME OU UNTIL THE MORNING.
I NEED SOME REST.
WOMEN.
Charlotte: IT WAS
SO SHITTY OF ME.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME, LAURA.
THAT WAS CHARLIE, HUH?
DID I EVER TELL YOU THE ONE
ABOUT THE TRAVELING SALESMAN
WITH THE BROKEN-DOWN CAR WHO
KNOCKS ON THE FARMHOUSE DOOR?
JUST LEAVE.
THE DOOR OPENS,
AND THE SALESMAN SAYS,
I SELL INSURANCE,
AND I NEED TO
- SLEEP HERE TONIGHT.
- GET OUT.
SECURITY? YES, THERE IS
A DANGEROUS INTRUDER
- IN MY FATHER'S ROOM.
- SO THE FARMER SAYS,
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
SLEEP WITH MY DAUGHTER,
OR WITH MY MAGIC PIG?
PLEASE ARREST THIS LUNATIC.
HE FORCED HIS WAY IN
MY FATHER'S ROOM.
WELL, THAT DEPENDS,
SAYS THE SALESMAN.
WHICH ONE CAN SIGN
THE PREMIUM CHECKS?
LAURA, I'D RATHER SLEEP WITH
THE DOCTOR'S DAUGHTER
THAN WITH HER
SORCERESS FRIEND.
JUST SIGN THE CHECK!
YOU KNOW, YOU ONLY GO YOURSELF TO BLAME,
BECAUSE I'M NO LEAVING HERE... EVER.
SUIT YOURSELF, ZOE DEAR.
YOU'LL BE COMMITTING YOURSELF
TO A BORING PROFESSOR'S LIFE
OF LECTURES ON
DEAD GREEK POETS,
TRIPS TO MOUNTAIN
OBSERVATORIES,
AND SEASON TICKETS
TO THE YANKEES.
AHA! THAT'S IT!
YOU'RE A GONER NOW
FOR SURE.
THIS IS YOUR LAS CHANCE TO BOLT, PROFESSOR.
I'M GONNA CALL THOMAS
AND HAVE HIM BRING
MY THINGS OVER.
ASK HIM TO PLEASE
BE CAREFUL WITH THAT TELESCOPE.
WHAT ELSE CAN THAT WITCH
CHARLOTTE DAVIDSON WANT FROM ME?
MAYBE YOU'RE NOT GONNA
GET TO KEEP YOUR
JOCKEY SHORTS, AFTER ALL.
I HIRED YOU AS
A LEGAL SHARK.
YOU TURNED OU TO BE A MINNOW!
( agonized screaming )
AL! AL, YOU OKAY?
MY PITY PITCH
HAS NEVER FAILED ME.
WATCH AND LEARN.
ALBERT, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
HARRIET, DARLING,
IS THAT YOU?
I CAN'T SEE.
OH, IT IS YOU.
HARRIET. HARRIET,
ALWAYS REMEMBER
THAT I LOVED YOU,
AND IN HEAVEN,
I WILL FORGIVE YOU.
- FORGIVE ME?
- YES.
YES, FORGIVE YOU,
BUT NOT YOUR
SHYSTER LAWYER.
CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I DON'T THINK THA WILL BE NECESSARY, ALBERT.
I THINK A LITTLE
MOUTH-TO-MOUTH RESUSCITATION
- WILL DO THE TRICK.
- YES, MOUTH-TO-MOUTH.
MOUTH-TO-MOUTH.
GO AHEAD AND
SAVE YOUR FRIEND.
HUH?
- WHO ME?
- YOU HEARD WHAT I SAID.
ALL RIGHT,
TAKE MY JOCKEYS.
HA HA. KEEP THEM ON.
I HAVE CHANGED MY DIVORCE
PRACTICE TO MEDIATION.
I WANNA TRY TO BRING
THE TWO OF YOU CLOSER AGAIN,
AS A COUPLE.
I NEVER WANTED
A DIVORCE,
OR THE MONEY.
BUT YOU NEEDED
A LESSON FOR HURTING ME.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
I NEVER LOVED
ANYONE BUT YOU, HONEYBUNCH.
I PROMISE, I'LL NEVER
LOOK AT ANOTHER WOMAN.
FOR ME NOW, A WOMAN
IS JUST LIKE A MAN...
A MAN WHO'S HAD A TRAGIC
BOATING ACCIDENT.
( phone ringing )
- LAURA?
- SHE'S ON HER
WAY TO L.F.O.D.
I'M SO SORRY, DAN.
I REALLY HOPE YOU GUYS
CAN GET BACK TOGETHER.
UH, THANKS, CHARLIE.
I TOLD YOU
NOT TO TALK TO ME.
THEN WHY ARE YOU
STANDING AROUND
WAITING FOR ME?
I WAS BEHIND THE TREE
WATCHING YOU.
GO FOR IT!
CHARLOTTE TAUGHT ME
HOW TO DO THAT.
OW. WELL, THANK HER
FOR ME, WOULD YA?
ALSO, KISS HER
LIKE THIS.
TELL HER WE'RE
ALL EVEN NOW.
WORLD WAR III IS OVER.
THIS DOESN'T CHANGE
ANYTHING BETWEEN US, DANNY.
YOU'RE STILL
A SELF-CENTERED,
UNFOCUSED, UNEMPLOYED
DRUGGIE.
AND THOSE ARE
MY GOOD POINTS.
COUPLES HAVE PROBLEMS,
BUT THEY WORK THEM OUT.
WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
EVERYTHING IS JUS FUN AND GAMES WITH YOU.
AND I STILL CAN' DISOBEY MY FATHER'S WISHES
ABOUT OUR SEEING
EACH OTHER.
WE'RE THROUGH.
AFTER TONIGHT.
YES!
I NEED A LIFT TO
THE MEN'S GROUP TONIGHT.
MAYBE AN INTRO TO
THAT ATHLETIC DAME FROM TOPLER
WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN
SUCH A BAD IDEA.
- Lars: MAY I HELP YOU?
- HUH?
YEAH, SURE.
YEAH, I'M LOOKING FOR
A DANIEL, UH...
UH...
OH, YES.
YOU MUST MEAN
DANIEL TOPLER.
YEAH, THAT'S HIM.
SAD CASE.
I'M HIS PHYSICIAN HERE.
OH, YEAH?
I HOPE I'M NO SPEAKING OUT OF TURN.
ARE YOU A RELATIVE?
NO, JUS AN ACQUAINTANCE KINDA.
WE'RE IN THE SAME
MEN'S CLUB.
I SEE, I SEE.
THEN PERHAPS YOU DON' NEED TO KNOW THE DETAILS
OF HIS HOMICIDAL
TENDENCIES.
ARE YOU SAYING
HE WANTS TO KILL PEOPLE?
SIR, PLEASE,
DON'T BE CONCERNED.
TO OUR KNOWLEDGE,
HE'S NEVER BEEN SUCCESSFUL.
ALTHOUGH,
WE CAN'T BE SURE.
I HAVE TO WATCH
MY WORDS.
A LITIGATION PRECAUTION.
OF COURSE, OF COURSE.
MAYBE I DON'T NEED
TO SEE HIM TODAY.
I CAN SEE
I'VE ALARMED YOU,
MISTER...
MAVIS. MORTY MAVIS.
MORTY MAVIS.
AH, MORTY.
MAY I CALL YOU THAT?
YES, PLEASE.
LISTEN, MORTY,
WHY DON'T WE SIT DOWN?
WELL, I DON'T HAVE
TOO MUCH TIME.
I'D LIKE TO SPEAK
CONFIDENTIALLY WITH YOU,
IF I MAY, MORTY.
WHY ARE YOU
REALLY HERE?
LOOK AT YOUR
ELEGANT CLOTHES,
AND YOUR OILY HAIR
CAREFULLY COMBED.
I CAN SMELL
A FRESHLY APPLIED
AFTERSHAVE LOTION.
YOU'RE HERE TO CHASE
SOME WOMAN, AREN'T YOU?
YOU REPROBATE.
IT CAN'T BE ONE OF
THE PUTRESCENT SCAGS
INCARCERATED
IN THIS HELL HOLE,
SO MUST BE
SOME STAFF MEMBER?
NOW LET ME THINK
WHO THE LUCKY LADY
MIGHT BE.
THAT'S ALL TRUE, YA KNOW,
BUT I ALSO, I'M LOOKING
FOR DANIEL TOPLER.
WHY AM I HERE?
CAN IT BE THA WE'RE ALL HERE
JUST TO WATCH TV,
PLAY SHUFFLEBOARD,
AND EAT THE CRAP
THEY SERVE IN THIS
BOOBY HATCH?
I'M NOT SURE
I FOLLOW YOU, DOCTOR.
YOU DO KNOW
LIVE FREE OR DIE
IS A REHABILITATION
CLINIC?
I HAVE HEARD SOMETHING
TO THAT EFFECT.
THE STAFF HAS TO
SUGARCOAT IT.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- THIS IS A NUT HOUSE.
OH.
AND THAT DANIEL TOPLER,
OH, LORD! HE'S THE BIGGES NUT HERE.
IS THAT THE KIND
OF FRIENDS YOU HAVE,
MORTON MAVIS?
YOU KNOW, I REALLY
HAVE TO BE GOING.
JUST STAY
WHERE YOU ARE,
MR. LOONEY TUNES FRIEND
OF DANIEL TOPLER'S.
SEE? SEE WHAT I MEAN,
JEHOVAH?
THE PERNICIOUS
TOPLER CONSPIRATOR,
LIKE THIS PATHETIC
SINNER,
ARE OFF THEIR ROCKERS!
AND HERE AM I,
DR. JACOB Q. BERNSTEIN...
BY COINCIDENCE,
I HAPPEN TO KNOW
A DR. JACOB Q. BERNSTEIN.
WILL YOU PLEASE
SHUT YOUR YAP?!
I'M THE SENIOR
NUTCRACKER HERE,
AND I HAVE TO PUT UP
WITH INSANE PATIENTS,
AND THEIR WACKO
VISITORS, TOO.
( shrieking )
OY!
SO ALBERT WENT BACK
TO HIS WIFE.
THAT LITTLE FAT RAT.
- MAY I HELP YOU, SIR?
- WHO THE HELL IS THAT GUY?
OH, YOU MEAN THE ONE
SUCKING ON THE GIANT BINKY?
YEAH, THAT MAMZER.
IT'S LARS.
HE'S A GUEST HERE.
HE'S HARMLESS.
HARMLESS.
UH, I'M LOOKING FOR
DANIEL TOPLER.
HE TOLD ME I COULD
GET TENNIS LESSONS
FROM THE ATHLETIC
CHEERLEADER HERE.
KIM NOVAK LOOKALIKE.
SOMEONE WHO MIGH POSSIBLY LOOK LIKE YOU,
- MISSUS, UH...
- MISS BUSHKIN.
I'M SURE DANNY
WAS TALKING ABOUT ME.
I AM THE ATHLETIC
DIRECTOR HERE A LIVE FREE OR DIE.
I'VE BEEN TOLD THA I RESEMBLE THE STAR
OF VERTIGO,
BUT IT WAS
SO MANY YEARS AGO.
HOW LONG AGO
COULD THAT HAVE BEEN?
I MEAN, YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF
GRADE SCHOOL.
WOULD YOUR WIFE
LIKE LESSONS, TOO?
WELL, SADLY,
MY WIFE AND I
HAVE BEEN DIVORCED
MANY YEARS,
AND, UH, I LIVE ALONE
IN A MANSION
WITH A GIANT, SUB-ZERO FRIDGE
WITH ICEMAKER, I MIGHT ADD.
OLYMPIC-SIZED
SWIMMING POOL.
GRASS TENNIS COURTS.
GRASS, HUH?
THAT MUST BE
VERY EXPENSIVE,
YOU POOR MAN.
SO WHEN WOULD YOU
LIKE YOUR LESSONS?
I'M ONLY FREE NIGHTS
AND WEEKENDS.
HOW ABOUT THIS WEEKEND?
I'LL GO AHEAD
AND CALL DAN.
- I DON'T KNOW...
- DAN TOPLER.
OOH, NO.
NO, DON'T BOTHER.
I DON'T NEED
THE KID NOW.
I FOUND WHAT I WANTED.
MEN, I HAVE TO
CONFESS SOMETHING.
I HOPE YOU'LL LET ME
CONTINUE TO COME.
I'M NOT A MEDICAL SCHOOL
STUDENT.
I'M A PATIENT OF JACK'S,
AND TRYING TO RECUPERATE
AT A REHAB CLINIC.
SO WHAT ELSE IS NEW?
YOU THINK JACK
WOULDN'T TELL HIS FRIENDS
THAT HE WAS BRINGING
SOME NUT CASE TO OUR MEETINGS?
( laughter )
YOU'RE DOING
A GREAT JOB AS
OUR NEW LEADER.
FORGET ABOUT IT.
GREAT. UH, THAT'S I FOR TONIGHT, GUYS.
DR. BERNSTEIN'S DAUGHTER
IS PICKING ME UP
AND TAKING ME TO THE HOSPITAL
AS A FAVOR TO HER DAD.
BULLSHIT.
I KNOW JACK'S
DAUGHTER LAURA.
LAURA BERNSTEIN.
OF COURSE.
I THOUGHT I RECOGNIZED
HER FROM THE FUNERAL.
YOU KNOW WHAT WAS
GOIN' ON IN THE CAR
THE OTHER NIGHT?
YOU AND LAURA,
YOU COULD'VE
CHARGED TICKETS.
WATCHED ALL THOSE FIREWORKS.
SO WHAT ELSE IS GOIN' ON
IN YOUR LIFE?
COME ON,
COME CLEAN WITH US.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND.
MAYBE A LOT MORE.
YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH HER,
IS THAT IT?
WELL, WE WERE IN
THE MIDDLE OF THIS FIGHT,
AND THIS FANTASTIC WOMAN--
- YOU MEAN LAURA?
NO, ANOTHER WOMAN
NAMED CHARLOTTE.
PRACTICALLY A HYPNOTIST.
SHE'S A DIVORCE ATTORNEY
AND GOOD BUDDY OF LAURA'S,
SCREWED MY BRAINS OU
FRIDAY NIGHT,
KICKS ME OUT OF HER
CENTRAL PARK PENTHOUSE,
AND THEN,
SHE TELLS LAURA!
( men exclaiming )
SO I'M IN DEEP DOO-DOO.
YOU'RE LAYIN'
YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S
BEST FRIEND?
THEY'RE YOUNG.
GO FIGURE IT OUT.
WAS THIS LAS FRIDAY NIGHT, DAN?
UH, YES.
WHY, BARRY?
NO REASON.
I'M JUST GETTING OLD,
AND SLOW TO REALIZE IT.
I'LL GIVE YOU A LIFT TO
THE TRAIN STATION, BARRY.
I THINK I'LL WALK.
THANK YOU, HARRY.
( tea kettle whistling )
HELLO, LOVE.
HOW'S THE ANCIENT ORDER
OF GRUMPY MEN?
I AM NO A MODERN MAN, ZOE.
I TOLD YOU THA IN THE PARK.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I KNOW YOU'RE
AN OLD FUDDY-DUDDY.
THAT'S WHY
I LOVE YOU.
ONE OF THE MEN
PRODDED A PATIEN OF JACK BERNSTEIN'S
ABOUT HIS PRIVATE LIFE.
DANIEL TOPLER.
I THINK YOU KNOW HIM.
BARRY...
HE DIDN'T MENTION
HER LAST NAME,
BUT SHE WAS A DELIRIOUSLY
MAGICAL WOMAN NAMED CHARLOTTE.
A DIVORCE ATTORNEY
WHO LIVED OVERLOOKING
CENTRAL PARK,
- DRAGGED HIM INTO
HER BEDROOM--
- BARRY, PLEASE.
- IF I TOLD YOU WHAT--
- PLEASE DON'T THINK ABOU ANYBODY BUT US.
WE'RE ALL THAT COUNTS.
I'M SELLING MY FATHER'S
BUSINESS.
I'M CHANGING
MY LAW PRACTICE,
JUST TO BECOME A WOMAN
YOU CAN BE PROUD OF.
I'M NOT THE SAME
PERSON ANYMORE.
- I KNOW--
- PLEASE DON'T EXPLAIN.
YOU'RE A YOUNG
AND BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, ZOE.
IT'S NOT FOR ME
TO JUDGE.
I JUST CAN'T TAKE PAR IN THE LIFE YOU'RE
ENMESHED IN.
YOU WILL NEVER KNOW
HOW MUCH YOU'VE MEANT TO ME.
OH, COME ON, BARRY.
HEAR ME OUT, WON'T YOU?
NO. PLEASE.
EXTEND TO THOMAS MY MEA CULPA
FOR MOVING YOUR THINGS AGAIN.
THIS WAS MY FAULT, ZOE.
PUT HIM IN A STRAITJACKET.
I TOLD YOU NO TO LEAVE HERE.
YOU'RE GOING
STRAIGHT TO PRISON THIS TIME.
OKAY, GO!
HEAD FOR THE HOSPITAL, LAURA.
GO, GO, GO, GO, GO.
THE POLICE WILL BE
WAITING FOR YOU!
WELL, AT LEAST KNOWING YOU
HAS GOT ME PUBLISHED.
THE NEW YORKER BOUGHT MY STORY
ABOUT A RICH COKE HEAD.
THEY THINK IT'S FICTION.
CONGRATULATIONS, LOVER.
I KNEW MY SELF-ABUSE
WOULD DO SOMEONE GOOD.
DOES HE WIN THE GIRL
IN THE END?
NO. HE'S A COMPLETE
LOSER.
IT'S CALLED "A SNOWBALL'S
CHANCE IN HELL."
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
CHANGE THE TITLE
WHEN I TELL YOUR FATHER
THAT I INTEND TO MARRY YOU.
IN A PIG'S EYE.
I WOULDN'T MARRY YOU
IN A MILLION YEARS.
YOU'RE A SELFISH,
SUICIDAL, NE'ER-DO-WELL ADDIC
- WITHOUT A JOB.
- FLATTERER.
YOU MIGHT BE SOME RICH KID,
BUT YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE.
AND TAKE YOUR HAND
OFF MY BREAST.
WE COULD CRASH.
OH, IT'S STUCK.
YOU LOVE ME.
DON'T DO THIS.
MY FATHER'S TOO ILL
FOR YOU TO UPSET HIM.
WHAT IF I ASK
HIS PERMISSION?
YOUR CHANCES ARE ZILCH THA MY FATHER WOULD SAY YES TO YOU.
AND IF HE DOES?
OKAY, MR. KNOW-IT-ALL.
THEN MY ANSWER IS YES.
FAT CHANCE YOU HAVE.
BEN, THANK GOD
YOU'RE HERE.
DON'T LET ANY POLICEMEN
INTO THIS ROOM.
I AM A POLICEMAN.
YOU KNOW WE HAVE
BETTER THINGS TO DO
THAN CHASE YOUR BEHIND
ALL OVER THIS ISLAND.
JUST GIVE ME
FIVE MINUTES, BEN.
THEN I'LL GO PEACEFULLY.
GO AHEAD.
- DADDY.
- HMM.
OH, HELLO, SWEETHEART.
- DANNY, HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD.
HOW ARE THE TEMPLE
MEETINGS GOING?
GREAT. DR. BERNSTEIN,
I'VE COME TO ASK YOU
FOR YOUR DAUGHTER'S HAND.
DON'T SAY YES.
TELL HIM HOW SELFISH
AND IRRESPONSIBLE HE IS.
YOU KNOW, YOU'VE DONE
A MARVELOUS JOB WITH
THE MEN'S GROUP.
YOU EVEN GO A GIRLFRIEND FOR MORTY.
HE'S A DRUGGIE.
SINCE THE FIRST NIGHT,
HE'S BEEN FREE.
HASN'T BEEN A TRACE
OF SUBSTANCE IN HIS
URINE OR IN HIS BLOOD.
HE'S AN IDLER.
NO JOB AND NO PROSPECTS.
NOT EXACTLY SO.
DID YOU ACCEP THAT SLOT AT THE OLD
MEDICAL SCHOOL?
HEY.
THE HEAD OF
THE ADMISSIONS BOARD
IS AN OLD FRIEND OF MINE.
- HE TOLD ME ABOUT IT.
- TIME'S UP. GOTTA GO. NOW.
THAT WON'T BE
NECESSARY, OFFICER.
THANK YOU.
LAURA, WILL YOU GET ME
THAT BLUE DOCUMENT BACK THERE,
AND A PEN?
THANK YOU.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE NO LONGER UNDER
THE COURT'S JURISDICTION.
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR
THIS DAY.
CONGRATULATIONS.
CAN I EVER GET A STEP
AHEAD OF YOU, DR. BERNSTEIN?
YOU WILL WHEN
NECESSARY, MY BOY.
AS RABBI MYERS SAID,
MY LIFE IS BLESSED.
I NEVER NEEDED ANYTHING
UNTIL I HAD IT.
ACTUALLY, RABBI McCALL
SAID THAT.
DURING COFFEE BREAKS
AT THE MEETINGS,
I'VE BEEN READING
THE MEDITATIONS
IN THE PRAYER BOOK.
WELL, LAURA, DO YOU HAVE
ANY OTHER OBJECTIONS
ABOUT MARRYING
THIS FINE YOUNG MAN?
NO, I DON'T.
I NEVER NEEDED DAN
UNTIL NOW THAT I HAVE HIM.
THE CONSTRUCTION ON
THE PARTHENON
YOU SEE BEHIND ME
BEGAN IN 347 B.C.
( woman clearing throat )
( students laughing )
UH, YES.
QUITE RIGHT.
HISTORIANS CONSIDER
THE EDIFICE
AT THE PEAK OF CLASSICAL
IONIC ARCHITECTURE.
- Woman: DORIC.
- ( students laugh )
YES, YES, OF COURSE.
DORIC ARCHITECTURE.
PERHAPS I SHOULD
LOOK AT MY NOTES.
THE WEST END RELIEF
SHOWS THE COMBAT BETWEEN
THE AMAZONS
AND THE ATHENIANS,
AND THAT'S WHY
IT'S MY FAVORITE.
BECAUSE IT REMINDS ME OF
YOUR PROFESSOR BARRY BLACKMON.
ZOE, I--
- PLEASE DON'T INTERRUPT.
I'M NOT FINISHED.
THE BASE OF THE PARTHENON
IS 69.5 METERS
BY 30.9 METERS.
I'D FORGOTTEN.
IT'S SO GOOD OF YOU
TO ARRANGE FOR
THE TEMPLE LIBRARY
DONATION. I HEARD.
THE INTERNAL COLONNADES
WERE CONSTRUCTED IN TWO TIERS
TO SUPPORT THE ROOF.
- I WAS A FOOL TO LEAVE YOU.
- YES, YOU WERE.
DID YOU KNOW THA MY FATHER MARRIED MY MOTHER
NEXT TO THOSE COLONNADES?
I WAS THERE THEN.
GANYMEDE LOOKED
SO PROUD AND HANDSOME,
AND HE MARRIED
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
WOMAN I HAD EVER SEEN,
UNTIL I ME THEIR DAUGHTER.
I WAS THE BEST MAN.
YOU STILL ARE
THE BEST MAN.
WHO WILL BE YOURS
AT OUR WEDDING?
Lars: DO YOU,
DANIEL TOPLER,
BEFORE THIS ASSEMBLAGE,
- SWEAR TO TAKE THIS--
- CAN YOU MAKE THIS
QUICK, YOUR HONOR?
THEIR PLANE TO BERMUDA
LEAVES IN AN HOUR.
DO YOU,
DANIEL TOPLER,
SWEAR TO TAKE THIS...
BEAUTIFUL, SEXY WOMAN
TO HAVE AND TO HOLD
IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH?
Daniel: I DO.
DO YOU,
LAURA BERNSTEIN,
BEFORE THIS AUGUS ASSEMBLAGE,
SWEAR TO OBEY
THIS UNEMPLOYED MAN?
WHOA.
AND TO HAVE AND TO HOLD
IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH?
I DO.
THEN BY THE LAWS OF
THE STATE OF NEW YORK,
AND THE POWERS OF
GREAT JEHOVAH...
I DECLARE YOU
MAN AND WIFE.
ONE, TWO, THREE,
GOOD LOVIN'
- GOOD LOVIN'
- LARS!
GOOD LOVIN'
GOOD LOVIN'
Lars: NO! NO, NO, NO!
I WAS FEELIN'
SO BAD
I ASKED MY FAMILY DOCTOR
JUST WHAT I HAD
- I SAID, DOCTOR
- DOCTOR
- MR. M.D.
- DOCTOR
CAN YOU TELL ME, YEAH,
WHAT'S AILIN' ME?
DOCTOR
HE SAID, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH
YES, INDEED,
ALL I REALLY NEED
GOOD LOVIN'
- COME ON,
GIVE ME GOOD LOVIN'
- GOOD LOVIN'
- ALL I WANT IS LOVIN'
- GOOD LOVIN'
GIVE ME YOUR LOVIN',
BABY
HONEY, PLEASE,
SQUEEZE ME TIGHT
SQUEEZE ME TIGH
DON'T YOU WANT YOUR BABY
TO BE ALL RIGHT?
BE ALL RIGH
- I SAID, BABY
- BABY
- IT'S FOR SURE
- IT'S FOR SURE
I GOT THE FEVER, YEAH,
YOU GOT THE CURE
GOT THE CURE
EVERYBODY, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH
YES, INDEED,
ALL I REALLY NEED
GOOD LOVIN'
- COME ON,
GIVE ME GOOD LOVIN'
- GOOD LOVIN'
- ALL I WANT IS LOVIN'
- GOOD LOVIN'
- GIVE ME YOUR LOVIN', BABY
- GOOD LOVIN'
GOOD LOVIN'
- COME ON,
GIVE ME GOOD LOVIN'
- GOOD LOVIN'
- ALL I WANT IS LOVIN'
- GOOD LOVIN'
- GIVE ME
YOUR LOVIN', BABY
- GOOD LOVIN'
HEY!