Express Pipe Laying (1998) Movie Script

Hand over the milk money, Weaver.
I can't do that, Derek.
I'm not sure
you'll spend it on milk.
That's me, Mitch Weaver.
That's Sam, my lifelong best friend.
I never had a dad growing up,
so Sam's dad Pops filled in a little.
He was a boxer, real tough guy.
One thing to remember in life,
no matter where you go or what you do...
don't take no crap from nobody.
I never liked the guy,
but he was right about not taking crap.
Wow! My dad sure is great.
Hey, do you know where
he hides his guns?
Don't worry.
We planted the guns in the bully's desk
so he'd get in trouble.
It wasn't me!
Let me go!
They weren't mine!
We always did stuff like that,
get back at people who messed with us.
There was this crossing guard
used to grab all the kids' asses.
Back then people weren't on
the lookout for that kind of thing.
The only way to nail a guy like that
was to catch him red-handed.
That's where Super Glue came in.
Look, everybody! Crossing guard's
grabbing 8-year-old's ass over here!
We really got back at
this ornery baby-sitter we didn't like.
After all these years,
this picture still makes me horny.
I mean, wistful!
It makes me wistful.
When I was 16,
the saddest event of my life occurred.
My mom died.
Everyone did their best to console me,
particularly Aunt Jenny.
It wasn't easy, because
I'm not comfortable expressing my...
What do you call them? Emotions?
Anyways, I learned to express myself
in other ways.
I started making little notes to myself.
Note to self.
Remember, Aunt Jenny is your aunt.
Then there was this character
we had to deal with.
She thought just because she was
a meter maid...
that she had the right to go around
giving everybody parking tickets.
That's where the popcorn
came in handy.
In high school, I still didn't take crap
from anyone, man or beast.
This Doberman would always chase us.
So we borrowed my cousin's
huge German shepherd...
who also happens to be gay.
Taught that Doberman some humility.
Boy, those were the days.
But then, something happened.
I grew up.
Okay, 132 Highfield Avenue
in three minutes.
I can make it.
I can make it.
Hi, there.
Thirty minutes or free, right?
And you took 32 minutes.
So close and yet so far.
Gimme a break. That free pizza
comes out of my paycheck.
That doesn't seem fair, does it?
Then the guy says,
"If you want the money for this pizza...
you tell Aldo and the rest
of those sweaty Italian fruits...
to come down
and get it from me themselves."
Also, he started saying nasty things
about that Mussolini character.
The guy called.
I know you didn't make it on time.
None of the other pizza places have
the 30-minute thing anymore.
Can't we drop it?
You think we should drop
the 30-minute guarantee?
You think Aldo's should be
just like all the others?
Mitch Weaver, you're not fit
to wear this shirt.
That's my Canadians jersey.
You have anything in a 10-1/2 wide?
Toni-Ann, what are you doing?
I've had it. Uncle Aldo called.
He told me he fired you.
That's your 14th job in the past
three months! I can't take it anymore!
Honey, I understand you're upset.
Maybe you'll feel better
after we have some dirty sex.
Forget it! I'm through
wasting my life with you.
- What about the rest of my stuff?
- Your stuff?
There is no "your stuff."
I have paid for everything
in this apartment.
Wait a minute. That's not true.
I paid for the popcorn machine.
What's up, fruity?
Hey, ass-bite.
By the looks of this popcorn machine, I
guess she tossed you out for good?
Passed your car back there.
- It's a nasty flat, but I can fix it.
- Thanks, Sam.
I was wondering. Could I crash
with you and your dad for a while?
No. I'm gonna turn away my best friend
so he's gotta sleep in his car. Come on.
Hey, that's my shirt.
You're wearing my shirt.
Here you go.
No, that's all right.
I was talking to somebody else
that's different than you.
Two, three, up.
Press those knees straight.
And again. Take it down.
Two, three...
and lift it up.
- Pops, how you doin'?
- Pretty good, son.
But it'd be goin' a lot better
if you brought me a whore.
I thought you couldn't...
I can't but...
I subscribe to this magazine
to give me a few ideas.
There's an article about home
stereo equipment, too. That's for you.
That's great.
- I'll be right back, all right?
- Yeah.
Do me a favor.
Could you stay with him for a while?
What's the matter?
You know how I feel about your father.
I'm uncomfortable around him.
He's kind of... I don't know.
Creepy, you know?
He creeps the hell out of me,
to tell you the truth.
He likes you.
I gotta call somebody
to borrow a jack.
Stay with him for a while.
All right.
Feelin' okay, Mr. McKenna?
Don't worry about me.
I just want to thank you
for spending a little time with me.
- Well, no problem.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I also want to say I'm sorry.
- Sorry for what?
For being a creepy old man.
I apologize, you rotten bastard!
- You say those things about me?
- Pops! Pops! Let go!
Get out of here, Sam!
I'll kill this bastard!
I can still hear,
no matter how creepy I look.
- It's Mitch! Let go.
- All right, take him.
Everything's falling apart.
Remember how things were
when we were young?
Yeah, it was great.
Yeah, it was.
I felt good about myself back then.
If somebody messed with me, no problem.
I didn't take crap from anybody.
Now I'm in my 30s, I can't hold a job.
I go out with women I don't even like.
Worst of all, I take crap
from absolutely everybody.
Things could be worse.
I could've got my nose bit off
by a Saigon whore.
You bastard!
I'm just messin' with you, Jimmy.
I saw you down there.
Get Jimmy a beer on me.
Okay. It's okay.
Wow, look at her.
Yeah. She's all yours, buddy.
Go get her.
Hi. How ya doin'?
I'm Sam McKenna.
I live with my dad.
It appears Travis Cole
has bailed out the city once again...
coming up with the necessary funding
to save the Chelsea Opera House.
How could a man in my position
not step in and do his civic duty?
That opera house is part
of this city's heritage.
Heck, yes, I'm gonna keep it up
and running.
I love this city,
and as we all know...
I love opera.
Right, Spunky?
A guy like Travis Cole
has a great life.
Why? Just because he's rich?
No. Because he doesn't take crap
from anybody.
There are two kinds of people in this
world: those who get stomped on...
and those who do the stomping.
Where'd you come up
with that theory?
That famous guy said it.
What's his name?
Yeah. Jesus.
Hi. I'm Mitch.
Hello, Mitch.
Maybe later you'll drop by the house.
You know, check out the hot tub.
- Hey, pal, beat it!
- Why don't you beat it?
The lady obviously isn't interested
in you, jerk-off! So get lost!
Maybe we should let the lady decide.
- I think you should fight it out.
- Good idea.
- Great idea!
- Brilliant idea!
- I love the idea.
- Terry, Jack, Mike, Rick.
No. My dumb friend needs me.
I gotta go.
Well, Mitch, looks like
we've got ourselves a fight.
Great. It's fightin' time.
Can I be on their side?
Looks like there's gonna be a brawl.
You playin' something good?
Hell, yeah!
Rolling Stones' "Street Fighting Man."
You just hit G-8.
Bring it on!
How come you get a pool cue?
Come on.
You fell right into my trap.
Sammy, bite 'em!
Bite 'em in the nose!
Note to self.
Learn to fight.
I wanna go over there and rip
their heads off, every one of them.
That would probably work, since they're
so tired from beating us mercilessly.
But since we rented the cop uniforms,
let's try it my way, all right?
- Hey, dude, what's up?
- Neil, is that you?
Yeah, it's me, Neil.
It's Jason. We just got back from
beating these guys. Messed 'em up good!
The whole time, this guy's lying there,
crying like a little girl.
- Wait, I'll get Terry.
- Don't get Terry. I mean...
The reason I'm calling is this.
There's these guys going around
to frat houses pretending to be cops.
But they're not real cops.
They're fake cops.
They just robbed a bunch of stuff
from the Delta Psi house.
So don't be fooled, okay?
Sure thing.
Thanks for calling.
Okay, no problem, dude.
Now you go back to doing something
latently homoerotic, all right?
Hello, real cops?
Yes, I'd like to register a complaint.
We got a complaint about the noise.
Whatever you say, Officer.
Officer down! We need backup!
- Okay, we'll take care of these two.
- You got it.
Hey, frat sisters, remember us?
I'll take this one.
- I'll take the next one.
- All right, man.
That felt great, man,
getting back at those guys tonight.
I've got to admit, that was brilliant,
what you did.
You are the king of revenge.
Pipe down! I'm trying to watch
these broads work out.
- You want another beer?
- Yeah.
Mitch, you wanna come over here?
I'm not falling for that one again.
- I think I'm having a heart attack.
- Not gonna work.
Pops! You all right?
I'm gonna let him sleep.
Could you stay with him
while I find the doctor?
- Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.
I'm glad you came.
Hey, Mr. McKenna.
I'll go get Sam.
No, hold on.
There's something I want to tell you.
I'm gonna find Sam.
Mitch, sit your ass down!
It's embarrassing being physically
afraid of a hundred-year-old man...
who just had a coronary...
so could we hurry this up?
I'm not doin' too well.
So knowing that, I think
I better tell you this now.
- Tell me what?
- I'm your father.
You must be delirious,
because you're not my father.
I don't know who my father is,
but it's not you.
Here, Mitch.
Look at the picture
in this locket.
Holy Lord!
That's a picture of you and my mom
having sex!
God! Why would you show me that?
I'm sorry, son.
I figured you'd never believe me
unless I showed you that picture.
I loved your mother as a friend, but it
wasn't true love. We both knew that.
Besides, back then they didn't have
these fancy birth control methods.
Like pullin' out.
Stop sayin' dirty stuff for a second,
would you?
Does Sam know about this?
No. And I don't want you to tell him.
Why not?
I don't want him to feel
he's been lied to his entire life.
Down deep he's very sensitive.
Promise me you won't tell him.
I can't promise you.
Sam's got a right to know.
I'm gonna tell him.
Hello. I'm Dr. Farthing.
Are you Mr. McKenna's son?
I gotta talk to Sam.
Mitch, don't tell him!
Don't you tell him!
Now, let me ask you.
Are you a betting man?
I don't know. Sure.
If someone were taking bets on
your father's bout with death...
I'd bet everything I own on death.
It's a good bet.
The odds are he'll probably die.
Couldn't you have prepared him
for that?
kind of thought I did
with that betting analogy.
What is wrong with my dad?
Your dad?
In a nut shell,
your dad needs a heart transplant.
Because of his age,
he's low priority on the donor's list.
Was your father a famous athlete
or rock star?
No. He was a boxer,
but he wasn't famous.
Sorry, no heart there.
But, for $600...
I could sell you
a fully-adjustable hospital bed.
Are you crazy?
I don't need a bed.
Playing hardball, are you?
Okay, $550.
I don't have to sit here
and listen to this!
No, wait.
I can't believe this is happening.
Wait. Where're you goin'?
Your friend's leaving...
Come back here. I can help him.
Please, come back, sit down.
I'm sorry.
I'm a compulsive gambler.
Now, I know there's nobody to blame
for this but myself.
I don't know. Maybe the Buffalo Bills,
or the Boston Red Sox or Mr. "T"...
or the Jets.
Mr. "T"? Are you telling me
that you bet on the fight...
in Rocky III,
and you bet against Rocky?
Hindsight is 20/20, my friend.
The point is, I'm in trouble.
Deep trouble. Which could be good
for Mr. McKenna's father.
There is a way I can get his name bumped
to the top of the list to get his heart.
If you pay me $50,000.
- Did you say $50,000?
- No.
I whispered $50,000.
I need it in two weeks.
This is awful, but I've given these
bookies practically everything I have.
When I was young, my mom used to tell me
that the lights we see in the sky...
are from stars that burned out
millions of years ago.
It's like life.
Something can be one way you think
all your life...
and in reality
it's completely different.
I'm gonna kill you, asshole!
Sam, are you pissing
off the side of the building?
Sort of.
You know, I'm going crazy here
over Pops. He's gonna die!
He's not gonna die. You're gonna get
the money and get him a heart.
$50,000 in two weeks?
Come on!
My sister Carol said she'd send
two grand. Where will I get the rest?
- Are you gonna not try?
- Of course I'm gonna try!
What if I got a job?
Maybe I could pay this guy off
in installments.
Yes. Now you're talkin'.
I'll help you every step of the way.
Thanks, buddy.
You little bastards!
That was a hell of a piss.
Look at the "help wanted" section.
I'm looking at the "buy and sell" ads.
Maybe we can sell something.
- Just look for a job.
- All right, all right!
Movie line comin' up.
How's that lookin', baby?
He was supposed to keep drivin'.
To start with,
the bottom stair is a roundover.
It does a 180 into the newel post.
The bannister has a 90 degree easement
and dies into the newel post.
Ninety degrees.
- That's gonna be a problem.
- What's the problem?
We lied on our resumes.
We know nothing about construction.
When is lunch?
You're fired.
Ass-bite, you sure this is a good idea?
Hell, yeah.
It's 50 bucks for eatin' brownies.
They are safe, but there is a chance
of some side effects...
including mild itching, nausea, chills,
hallucinations and rashes.
These are good?
Aren't they good?
I think I feel a slight itch.
No, maybe not.
Could be my imagination.
We eat the pig and
then together we burn.
- What you talkin' about, Satan?
- Come with me.
You belong with me.
The hell with that job.
Who wants to be itchy anyway?
All right. Everybody line up.
Don't be dummies.
Just get in line.
That's fine.
Gentlemen, members of the national
office are coming here tonight...
for their annual inspection
of this theater.
Right now, I'm going to explain to you
my managing style...
for the benefit of the new guys.
So there you are, tubby.
You look like a bucket of lard
on a bad day.
You baby gorilla.
Why don't you work the zoo
and stop bothering people?
Got a call yesterday
from Baskin Robbins.
They said that they're down
to only five flavors.
You're swelling up as I talk to you.
Look at you. How's this?
How's it doin'?
Hello, ice cream.
Having a good time running around?
Are you laughing 'cause I called your
friend a fat pig? Think that's funny?
I was laughing earlier
when you were talking to his belly.
Why don't you get a horse and live
in the mountains? Don't bother anybody.
You've got a personality
like a dead moth.
Okay, the fun's over.
Anybody messes this thing up
for me tonight is through.
Not only are you fired,
your life is over.
I'll see to it you never work again, and
wind up tearing tickets off in Kuwait.
Everybody's sucking sand.
Nobody messes up, understand me?
Don't mess up!
That guy's gonna be our boss?
After a speech like that, how does
he expect us not to screw him over?
Every one of us said the same thing
our first day working for Hamilton...
only nobody does anything.
Trust me, this isn't just talk.
Nobody screws me over like that.
- Me, neither.
- I can't help you. I need this job.
But if you really screw over Hamilton,
I'll give you ten bucks.
Mark me down for $20.
Mr. Witherspoon.
Class operation, Hamilton.
Good job.
Thank you.
Let me get you some refreshments.
Okay, we're all set.
One, two, three. Look away!
Look, an alien.
Yeah, we better have sex
with each other.
Note to self.
Sam just looked at the screen.
No, I didn't.
I was just making sure the reel had...
- This alien looks like a hot guy.
- Right. We better have sex with him.
Gimme that.
It took long enough, you dummy.
Hamilton, you're through.
That was amazing.
You should do that stuff for a living.
Sam, tonight...
we made a wad of cash for doing
something that comes natural to us.
We should open
a "revenge for hire" business.
I've never heard of
a "revenge for hire" business.
Exactly. We'd be the first.
With every genius business idea,
there's got to be a first.
Like the guy who first thought
of delivering pizza to people's houses.
Or the guy who invented crack.
Who's gonna hire us?
I have a feeling people are going
to pay us a lot of money...
to do their dirty work.
Okay, let's get a few things
straight here.
As long as the rent's on time,
you don't wreck the place, we're okay.
If not...
I punch you in the stomach.
If that ever comes up,
that Sam's department.
Yeah, that's my department.
Good luck to you.
Wait up.
- Hi, Rich.
- Hi, Mildred.
I guess you forgot my name.
It's not Mildred, it's Kathy.
No, I didn't forget.
You never told me, so I just guessed.
That's a novel approach.
So, how'd the fight with
those fraternity guys turn out?
We kicked their ass!
I was punching one guy
and kicking this other guy.
I threw one dude right through
a plate glass window.
- Really?
- Sort of, except the exact opposite.
Don't you think it's silly
for grown men to fight?
Did you see the movie Kickboxer?
They're all grown men.
Are we going to your apartment now?
I'm going back to work.
- Where do you work?
- Right there.
Phillips Motors!
Are you a dirty car salesman?
- No. I'm a dirty accountant.
- Hey, Kathy!
Break's over, sweetheart.
Get your ass in here! Now!
- Who's that dude?
- Anton Phillips, the owner.
- Does he always talk to you like that?
- Well, yeah.
But he's doing a live TV commercial
tomorrow, so he's worse than usual.
Anyway, it was nice
seeing you again, Mitch.
Live TV commercial?
Okay, settle down, prostitutes.
Understand that you each get $20,
and this requires no sex.
No sex at all...
regardless of what
this character tells you.
- What's the matter with you?
- What's the matter?
We spend most of the money
my sister sent for Pops on this office.
And now we're wasting the rest of it
so you can impress some girl?
No. This isn't for her.
This is so we can get a free commercial
for Dirty Work on live television.
And in five, four, three, two.
Hello, everyone.
I'm Anton Phillips...
President of Phillips Motors.
We'll return in a moment
to the Channel 11 Movie Matinee...
but I'm here with you live to show you
some great luxury automobiles.
Like this one-year-old
Cadillac Deville...
priced right at $36,000.
Fully loaded:
V-8 engine, standard.
Shock-resistant CD player, standard.
- The trunk looks kinda small.
- This is live!
I'm on live T...
Trunk's fine.
As you can see, friends,
it's not small.
It's a big trunk.
I'll show you right here.
You got a dead hooker in the trunk!
No! It can't be.
- It was. It was a dead hooker.
- It wasn't a dead hooker!
- I know a dead hooker when I see one.
- What's happening?
- Come on down.
- Here's another dead hooker!
My goodness!
I've never seen so many dead hookers
in all my life.
Lord knows I have.
- I can remember a time...
- Look, there's Mitch on TV.
Yeah, there's Mitch.
And there's the Saigon whore...
that bit my nose off!
These are nice cars.
These are luxury automobiles.
I've got a whole place.
They're fully loaded.
They're loaded
with dead hookers.
You're seein' things.
Don't shoot this.
- This is not part of the commercial.
- Some jerk making your life miserable?
You want revenge? Call 555-0187
and let us do your dirty work.
And we're clear.
Wake up, slut!
Well, well, well.
We meet again.
Nose biter!
Time to pay the fiddler, whore!
That was great.
Let's get out of here.
Nurse, record vital signs, please.
If that stethoscope is as freezing cold
as it was yesterday...
I'm gonna shove it
right up your ass!
Vital signs normal.
Hey, Pops!
Sam! Mitch!
What are you two fruits up to?
You should've seen it.
We just did this cool thing on TV...
that should really help
our revenge business.
We found our calling.
Looking back, I must've been your age
when I found my calling.
So you became a boxer?
That's when I started working
in stag films.
I'm gonna find Dr. Farthing.
Hey, look, Pops.
- I gotta tell you something.
- What?
I've made up my mind.
I'm going to tell Sam.
Or not!
I'd appreciate it
if you didn't tell Sam.
He might react badly.
I wouldn't want anything to break up
our relationship before I die.
Okay, I won't tell him.
Note to self.
Forget about fathering children.
- Any bleeding?
- Only when I sit down.
What happened to your arm?
I'm not sure. It's either
from sleeping on it the wrong way...
or from bookmakers throwing me out
of a speeding car.
- Did you get the 50 grand?
- Not yet.
If we get some money in two weeks,
could we pay the rest in installments?
No. Well, there are nine days left.
Might I suggest kidnapping the child
of a celebrity?
You know, I realize Pops isn't your
favorite person in the whole world...
so I appreciate how hard
you're trying to help him out.
That's nice.
I've gotta tell you something.
Your father is not only your father.
He's also...
He's also a good man.
Your father is a good man.
Mitch, you know...
I wanted to...
You're my best friend, man.
Keep your distance there, Liberace.
I was just...
Hey, Kathy!
I'm glad to see you.
Did you really think you were helping me
with that disgusting stunt?
Hey, maybe you don't realize it,
but that disgusting stunt...
was this idiot's way of saying
he likes you.
I'm gonna stand over there.
The guy deserved it.
Because of what you did,
Anton had to sell the dealership.
Now I'm out of a job.
Did I deserve that?
No, but you shouldn't work for a guy
who treats you bad anyway.
That is a decision for me to make,
not you or your awful company.
Putting prostitutes
in the trunks of cars?
- That is so...
- Cool!
The dead hooker in the trunk thing
was the coolest thing ever.
Wow, Mitch, congratulations.
Now you're famous for being a jerk.
I wish some girl would look at me
the way she looks at you.
What are you talking about?
She hates me.
No, she's mad at you.
There's a difference.
She's mad at you
because she likes you so much.
I'm short, not invisible.
Can I get a little help down here?
Heather, who works here,
is an abusive drunk.
Calls me names. Hits me.
Your classic dwarf hater.
Here she comes.
Move over, short stuff.
Hey, baby, you ever had a chick
with a beard before?
I can't say that I have,
bearded broad.
Then, sugar, you haven't lived.
Note to self.
I don't want to live.
I'll be in my trailer, honey.
If you want it, come and get it.
Does that go for me, too?
So can you help me?
Yeah, we can help you.
No beard.
My problem is with
these guys next door.
They drive around in their Porsche
90 miles an hour where my kids play...
blasting their music.
They have loud, wild parties
still going on when I get up for work.
- Sounds awful.
- It's unbearable.
It's unbearable to live next door
to that house.
Then we'll make it unbearable
to live in that house.
This should do it.
Mitch, this is brutal.
We hide these fish
all over the house?
And they'll stink for days.
Okay, let's go.
Come on, quick.
My flight doesn't leave for an hour.
- Nice place you've got.
- Yeah, yeah.
You want it?
Check it out.
Looks good.
What's the problem?
Smells like fish.
What was that? Some sort of signal?
Is that a signal?
You wearing a wire?
No. It really does smell
like fish in here.
You're a damn cop! That's it.
Show these guys what we do to cops.
Say hello to the devil for me.
Behind you!
I've been hit. Kill them!
Kill them!
Make your gun fight
like the devil himself!
Burn in hell, you bastards!
Sweet Jesus! He got me.
Mark, over there. Grab it.
I use it to cut firewood.
What's he using? You're killing me
with that chain saw!
He took away my chain saw,
and now he's using it on me.
My, God! Is that a hand grenade?
Good Lord!
We gotta get out of here.
Will you come on?
That's it!
This noise has got to stop!
My God.
I never asked you to do this.
Ed, we gotta go.
Could you pay us now?
Four hundred bucks, and we need
$50,000 in six days?
- We're not even close.
- I know we're not.
There's a message.
Maybe it's a job.
Hey, fatso. Fatso!
It's me, Hamilton, your boss
from the movie theater.
I saw that TV commercial you made.
Fat, fat, fat! When you sweat,
marbles come off your ass.
Hello. Dirty Work.
No, I can hear you fine.
It must be your phone.
Sure, we'll be right over.
So this whole block will become a
parking lot for the Chelsea Opera House?
Yep, to make sure none
of Travis Cole's friends...
have to park their Mercedes
on the street.
I've lived in this house for 62 years.
Now the bulldozers
are coming tomorrow.
- You thinking what I'm thinking?
- No, no. I have a plan.
What do you make of this?
Either it's a trick and we're walking
into a huge ambush...
or this is the single, dumbest act
in the history of crime.
How we gonna get out of here?
We can't make bail.
Pops is gonna die.
We're gonna be left here to rot.
I'm not worried about the rotting now,
I'm worried about something else.
What else is there to worry about?
We're in prison with prisoners.
So what?
So what? You know what prisoners do
to each other all the time.
No. What?
You don't know?
I never heard that.
You never heard that?
How could you have never
heard of that?
That's what prisons
are most famous for.
All right, let's go.
Not you, tubby.
You sure you don't want him, too?
The popcorn in the bulldozer stunt
was allegedly perpetrated by these men:
Mitchell Weaver
and Samuel McKenna.
But was this
a dangerous act of mischief...
or a heroic example
of civil disobedience?
Those two boys sure are heroes to me.
If Mitch Weaver and Sam McKenna
are heroes, then who's the villain?
Many would say that would be
the builder of the parking lot...
millionaire real estate mogul,
Travis Co...
Damn it. That looks bad.
We've got to stop the hemorrhaging.
Martin, could you wait outside?
Yes, sir.
I'm sorry about what happened.
It's all right, Martin.
It wasn't your fault.
By the end of the day, I'd like Martin
jobless, homeless...
penniless and hairless.
You fellows have a lot of growing up
to do, I'll tell you that.
Completely ridiculous!
Can you believe these characters?
Way out of line!
Have a good mind
to go to the warden about this.
The lack of respect
hurts the most.
That's what hurts the most.
Except for the other thing.
That hurts the most.
But the lack of respect
hurts the second most.
Weaver, McKenna,
you're free to go.
First of all,
Mrs. Murphy is owed...
my deepest apologies for the hardships
she's unjustly suffered.
Secondly, all charges have been dropped
against Mr. Weaver and Mr. McKenna...
who are not criminals
but heroes.
In fact, all of us are going out
for popcorn.
Okay, Spunky, you can come too.
I think he's got his thumb
up that dog's ass.
Gentlemen, I think I have a job for you.
Mitch, Sam, considering your recent
exploits as mischief makers...
I think you may be able to help me.
There's a small walk-up building
I own over at 99 Franklin Street.
It's low-income housing.
My way of giving back to the community.
But much to my chagrin,
the criminal element...
has reared its ugly head
in the form of drug dealers, gangs...
even a house of prostitution.
He's doing that... Why don't you get
the cops to get them out?
It's not that simple.
As long as those criminals
pay their rent on time...
the police say I have no grounds
to evict them.
- What do you want us to do?
- Get the building condemned.
By any means necessary. That way,
everyone will be evicted legally.
Then I'll fix it up, rent the apartments
to honest, hardworking people.
I don't know. We've never done
anything this big before.
Gentlemen, let me give you
a minute to think it over.
Doesn't it seem like...
He's definitely doing that dog.
Doesn't it seem like we're getting
into something over our heads here?
So, gentlemen, have you decided?
We'll do it...
for $50,000.
Very well.
$50,000 it is.
Good news, Mr. McKenna.
All right, boys!
Bring on the whore!
No, it's not a whore.
We're gonna get you the $50,000
for your heart transplant.
That's good, too.
We don't have the money yet, Pops.
- Yeah, but it's a sure thing.
- Excuse me.
Sam, can I have a word with you?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
Wait. You didn't tell him, did ya?
But I still want to,
and I can't promise you I won't.
Just getting my photo album.
What are you so jumpy about?
I don't know. Maybe it's your
lifelong pattern of random assault.
Look at this.
That's me fighting for the middleweight
championship of the Golden Gloves.
That's me shaking hands with
Dwight D. Eisenhower, US President.
My goodness!
That's your mom giving me a...
I'm sorry.
That's Sam's mom.
Yeah. Irene.
His blood levels are good.
Should cut down on finger foods.
What happened to your foot?
What I don't understand is,
when you owe a bookie a lot of money...
and he blows off one of your toes,
you still owe him the money.
Doesn't seem fair since he's gonna
kill me in four days anyway.
Mitch says we'll have the money
for you.
Thank God!
I mean, that's good news, Sam.
We just have to get
the building condemned.
We go in, wreck the joint.
Pops is saved.
Did you call him Pops?
What havoc are you planning now?
What are you doing here?
Actually, I was looking for you.
I saw how you and your friend
saved that woman's house.
Guess you can use your powers
for good as well as evil.
I'm on my way
to my grandmother's place.
Do you want to walk me?
Note to self. Mitch was right.
No, he wasn't.
It's too late.
It's already on tape.
I'm glad you finally realized
you should never take crap from anybody.
There's my grandma.
Hi, Grandma.
Your grandmother lives here?
At 99 Franklin Street?
Yep. Grandma,
I'd like you to meet Mitch.
Hi. Kathy's told me about you.
You're a hero.
Well, today I'm a hero. Tomorrow,
who knows? You might both hate me.
Girls, I'm over here.
Excuse me, Mitch.
It was nice meeting you.
Are those prostitutes?
I mean, who are those girls?
They work with my grandmother. She runs
a business out of her apartment.
Sixty years old
and still going strong.
Yeah, I bet she is.
Would you like to come in
for some coffee?
No. I have to go lift weights.
Okay, some other time, maybe?
That'd be great.
Okay. Bye.
That sweet girl's grandmother
runs a whorehouse...
out of the building
we're about to destroy?
Yeah. I feel awful doing this to Kathy.
Mitch, you're starting to like Kathy,
aren't you?
I know you. When you say no
like that, you mean yes.
- What are you talking about?
- I'll show you.
Did you ever rob a bank?
Did you ever climb Mount Everest?
Did you ever say you could see why
women find Sean Connery sexy?
Okay, so I like Kathy a little.
Man, I hate the fact we have to destroy
her grandmother's building.
- But we have to.
- Yep.
We did it, man!
I can't believe it! Pops lives.
What'd I tell you?
Here's to a brand-new heart.
That's right. I couldn't have done it
without a genius like you.
I couldn't have done it without...
a big oaf to smash down
all the doors like you.
Hey, we should go pick up
our 50 grand.
Good idea.
Hey, is that the building?
Building owner James Kirkpatrick
had little to say.
Kirkpatrick owns that building?
- What happened to the building?
- I have no idea, but I'll find out.
Resident Gladys Waite
lamented the fall of the building.
I don't know what I'll do.
I've been running a sewing business
out of my apartment for 30 years.
Sewing business?
Tenants are staying at a local shelter.
But what about the condemned building?
Unfortunately, I'll have to level it.
Enough boring talk. I want to talk
about my true passion...
which is the grand reopening
of the opera house.
All proceeds go to benefit
the homeless.
You know how I feel about the homeless.
They're human beings and have no homes.
May I help you gentlemen?
Mitch Weaver and Sam McKenna
to see Travis Cole.
Mr. Cole said your services
are no longer needed.
No longer...
Fellas, I have an idea.
Get Mr. Cole on the phone...
I have a better idea.
Why don't we kick
every one of your asses...
and then go upstairs
and kick Cole's ass, too?
All right, I screwed up.
What do we do now?
Homeless guys.
I'll give you a dollar each if you run
into this building and yell and scream.
That's very nice,
but I think what you need...
are like some psycho,
out-of-control homeless guys.
We're more the broken, spiritless...
"I've lost the will to live" type
homeless guys.
How about for two dollars?
Mitch, Sam, what a pleasant surprise.
- Where's our money?
- What money?
You owe us $50,000 for getting the
building on Franklin Street condemned.
We want it now.
But I don't even own the building
on Franklin.
I told you I did, but I lied.
Good luck trying to prove it.
Son of a bitch!
Once you stopped my bulldozer
from leveling that old lady's house...
I couldn't let you get away with it.
So I figured out a way for you to
help me and hurt you at the same time.
I guess I showed you guys something
about dirty work.
Whatever. But we're not leaving
without our 50 grand.
When you jumped on that guard's back
and yelled...
"The CIA put a chip in my brain"...
I was laughing so hard
I almost shit my pants.
Thanks. That was fun.
More fun than working for Cole.
- You worked for Cole?
- All of us have.
I had a life...
a house, cars,
respect in the community.
Suddenly it was all taken away.
I finally realized
just how low I'd sunk.
I was at my daughter's soccer game.
She lives with her mom.
I was standing on the sidelines
and a cop asked me to move along.
That's when it hit me.
I'm not even a human.
Here's your $2.
How could you stand outside
my grandmother's home...
the day before you destroyed it?
You're telling me you thought
she was a drug dealer?
- No, I thought she was a whore!
- What is wrong with you?
Look, we made a mistake.
The worst thing is
we didn't even get paid.
The worst thing is
you didn't get paid?
- The reason we needed that money...
- Stop right there.
You drive these people from their homes
and all you care about is money?
I should call the police.
I'm really sorry about what happened,
but listen...
I'm done listening.
Have a nice life.
No, beat it, nurse!
Come back when you're a broad!
Hey, fellas.
Why so glum?
We didn't get the money.
Mr. Sure Thing here was wrong.
I don't know what happened.
I messed up. I'm sorry.
That was easy.
You can chalk this up as a loss
and forget about it. I can't do that.
Pops is my dad.
I'm sorry.
I gotta tell him. Sam...
No. I'll tell him.
Tell me what?
I'm Mitch's father, too.
It's true.
This is no time for one
of your practical jokes.
Show him the locket.
Show me what?
This is Pops...
and your mother!
Yeah, I know.
You cheated on Mom?
No! She was there, too.
Who do you think took the picture?
Wait a minute.
So that makes us...
- You lied to me!
- Pops wouldn't let me tell.
Don't blame him.
You should have told me.
You know how hard that man
can squeeze a pair of balls?
It's not bad that we're brothers.
Sure, for you!
You've got everything.
You're smart, people like you,
you never have to pay for sex.
Pops was the one thing I had
that you didn't.
Now I don't even have that.
Stay away from me, all right?
That was really funny,
siccing the cops on us.
I thought it was funny...
but I'm surprised you did
because you got your asses kicked.
Things will get better.
Hang in there.
Thanks for listening.
Listen, pal...
you ever need anything,
I mean anything at all...
you come to me.
- Can I stay at your place tonight?
- This is the thing.
I live over at the Y, as you know.
I got a roommate, Old Jack, who is
a little particular about strangers.
No, problem, Jimmy. Thanks.
He just got his knee drained.
I'll find another place.
He needed it, too. That thing
was getting a little bit ripe.
I get the picture.
I'll sleep in my car.
Old Jack's a odd duck, I tell you.
Many times I catch him staring
at me sleeping, which is off-putting.
- I guess that would be.
- His feet bleed.
I don't want to stay at your place!
Point taken.
Point taken, Mitch.
Hey, buddy.
I'm trying to get some sleep
back here.
Note to self. Remember, no matter
how bad life gets, there is always beer.
All right, I screwed up.
What do we do now?
Homeless guys.
I'll give you a dollar each if you run
into this building and yell and scream.
I left the recorder on.
I don't even own the building
on Franklin.
I told you I did, but I lied.
Good luck trying to prove it.
Son of a bitch!
I guess I showed you something
about dirty work.
What are you doing?
Getting the money from Cole.
My tape recorder was running.
Everything in Cole's office
I got on tape. And I got a great plan.
Another plan? Like the plan
that got us here in the first place?
I think I know how to get the $50,000
to save the apartment. I need your help.
Look, a lot of stuff came pouring
out of me at the hospital...
because I was in shock
about what I'd heard.
How did you feel when you found out?
I don't know.
At first I felt a little weird.
But we've always been like brothers.
Now it's just official.
It's kind of cool.
I guess it is cool.
But it does change things.
Remember in second grade...
when we used rusty soda can tops
to become blood brothers?
It was a bunch of trouble for nothing
because we were already brothers.
Yeah, that's right.
Hey, remember in fifth grade
when I was under the monkey bars...
and I peeked at
your sister's underwear?
Remember that?
I was sneaking a peek
at my own sister's underwear.
That's right. And remember
in 12th grade, you had sex with her?
Okay, enough reminiscing.
In the past two weeks, I've been
beaten up, thrown out of buildings...
I've slept in my car,
spent the night in jail...
And when you were in jail,
those guys...
The point is, you aren't the only ones
who got screwed over.
Yes, I made a big mistake
destroying your building...
but I know how we can get it back.
Why should we believe you?
I walked through life believing
the only principle I had to live by...
was "Don't take crap from anybody."
Suddenly all that changed.
Suddenly I was trying to do something
for someone else.
We were trying to earn $50,000
to get a heart transplant for our dad.
You two are brothers?
Yeah, it's a long story.
My dad boned his mom.
Okay, it's a short story.
I'm saying that when you're doing it
for someone else...
it's not just revenge,
it's standing up for yourself.
That's why I'm asking all of us
to stand up for ourselves.
Travis Cole screwed all of us.
I say we fight back. Are you with me?
Are you with me based on the guarantee
that if I'm wrong, you can kick my ass?
I understand how upset you were
when you found out what we did.
I want to thank you
for going along with us.
I promise you'll get your building back.
Okay, Mitch.
Don't screw me over again.
I mean it.
Why didn't he punch you, too?
I have no idea.
Deciding to fight back against Cole
is turning things around for me.
Travis Cole is empty inside, so he has
to make everyone around him empty.
That's what he did to me.
But I'm not empty anymore.
I'm filled with something,
filled with purpose...
filled with hope,
filled with dignity.
It's all thanks to you g...
Guys, wait up.
How you doin'? I got a delivery
of some opera costumes here.
- What's the company name?
- Company name?
Very clever.
These brownies are great.
Let's go, prostitutes, homeless guys.
Shake a leg.
Come on, haven't got all day.
Let's go.
Good Lord! I'm in whore heaven!
What are they watching?
In this corner, weighing in...
at 225 pounds...
the former heavyweight champion
of the world...
Kenny Norton!
And his opponent Gary Coleman!
Come on, man, bring it! Bring it!
Well, here we are.
Building tenants, you'll be serving
as the ushers and ticket takers.
So take one of those,
and Kathy will tell you what to do.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
I don't know why I'm here.
Why are you here? Wait, I remember.
Intense physical attraction to me.
What's the trouble, sir?
My costume is not here. I cannot go
on a stage without my costume.
Relax. I will track down
your costume personally.
By the way, you're a fat guy.
Would you care for a brownie?
Excuse me, coming through.
Pardon me.
Excuse me. Sorry.
Coming through here.
I know I must really smell.
Plus, I farted. Coming through.
Joining me, the man responsible
for this glorious event...
real estate mogul Travis Cole.
Thank you. I'm proud of two things
about tonight's event.
First, all proceeds from the opera
will go to benefit the homeless.
And secondly, I personally oversaw
every aspect of this production.
And I believe it will be known
as the finest staging...
of Don Giovanni ever presented.
Excuse me, coming through.
Hey, did you fart? I think
that was me from before. Sorry.
Excuse me, coming through.
Fellas, you've heard the old saying:
"In the land of the blind,
a man with one eye is king."
Well, today, in the land
of the skunks...
the man with half a nose is king.
Hello, everyone.
I'm your mayor, Adrian Riggins.
Thank you.
Before tonight's performance
of Don Giovanni...
let's take a moment to recognize the man
that made this night possible...
the best friend this city
has ever had, Travis Cole.
Enjoy the opera, everyone.
What the...
Wow! Get a load
of that mountain range.
Come back, baby.
This is the most daring portrayal
of Don Giovanni I've ever seen.
Let's go. Time for Pops
to climb that mountain.
What's up, fruity?
How did you... It doesn't matter.
You'll be gone in a minute.
Aha! You didn't count on
my loyal army of prostitutes, did you?
What do you want?
Just relax. Let's watch
your dirty opera.
You're a hell of a woman, baby.
Let me take you to Vegas.
You know what they say.
It ain't over till the fat lady
checks into a hotel with Pops.
What are you doing?
You're ruining Don Giovanni.
Don Giovanni?
Who's that dude?
The opera.
You're ruining the opera.
The opera. Yes, we are ruining that.
Sam, now!
You got it, buddy!
Sing the song, boys!
Bow, and kneel before me!
Jimmy! Release the skunks.
Okay, I got it. I'm on it.
Don't let me down, boys.
Run. Fly. Fly away.
Run! Run out! Fly!
Skunks used to heighten the atmosphere
of squalor and despair. Brilliant!
The cameras are here.
By the way, Travis...
remember when you said this?
Note to self. Making love to blowup doll
not as good as advertised.
Sorry. I must have gone too far.
I'll just...
I don't even own the building
on Franklin.
I told you I did, but I lied.
Good luck trying to prove it.
Son of a bitch!
I bet those reporters would love
to get hold of this tape.
How much do you want?
All I want is the $50,000
you owe us.
Make it out to Dr. Farthing.
Kirkpatrick is going to punch you
in the stomach.
Here you go.
You'll sign this contract...
that gives back ownership
of 99 Franklin Street to Kirkpatrick.
Give it here.
Thanks, Mitch.
I'm glad I didn't have to punch you.
Me too, buddy.
Okay, Cole, it's been nice
doing business with you.
You probably want to go home,
kick back...
and enjoy a nice glass
of Chihuahua piss or something.
Here's the check for $50,000.
That's great, Mitch.
Want to bet I don't go to my bookie?
You're paying off your bookie so you can
live to perform Pops's heart transplant.
Note to self.
Stop payment on $50,000 check.
Son of a bitch, bastard!
You idiot. That contract
won't hold up for ten seconds...
after my lawyers get through with it.
And, oops, what happened
to your tape?
You wrecked it. Well, don't worry.
I have one on the house P.A. system.
Hit it, Kathy.
Note to self. Remember to get
ass wart cream...
for giant wart on my ass.
It's a little bit past that.
You bastard! You can't destroy me.
I'm Travis Cole.
No one destroy's Travis Cole!
No one!
Fat lady, are you okay?
Yes, I'm okay. Just keep
that crazy old man away from me.
What the hell is going on?
I don't care if you are my son.
Get your own broad.
In a startling turn of events
at the opera house...
real estate mogul Travis Cole
has been arrested for fraud.
Mr. Cole, anything to say?
Good brownies.
Jenkins, listen to me.
This is very important.
Stop payment on a check for $50,000
I made out to a Dr. Farthing. Got that?
Jenkins, are you ready
for some crazy, rough sex?
Good, Jenkins. I'm counting on you.
And find Spunky.
Hey, Mitch.
Jimmy. Your new nose looks great.
Thanks. Best $200 I ever spent.
- That girl you're with, she's not the...
- Yep.
Lin-Yung, the Saigon whore
who bit my nose off.
We're getting hitched.
Let's go.
Hold on.
I'm talking to my friend here!
Jeez, sometimes you got
to remind the hen who the rooster is.
Good luck to you, Jimmy.
Okay. See you around.
When I say "Let's go," you go.
Yeah? It's time you shut
your cake hole, Yoko!
Don't talk back to me
in front of my friend.
You're making me really angry.
Whoa, that scares me to death.
You bit my new nose off!
Damn it!
How you feeling with your new heart?
I feel great thanks to you and Sam,
my two boys.
Now that I met Gladys, I hope
they can fix another part of my body.
I'll give you a hint.
It rhymes with "cock."
Sam and I got great new jobs.
Pops got his heart. And I got the girl.
And Dr. Farthing, well,
he got over his gambling problem.
But the bookies beat him
to death anyway, so he's dead.
That's it. Bye.
Cole, it's nice
doing business with you.
Now you probably want to get home...
- Nurse, you want to record vitals?
- Cut.
Cole, it's been nice doing business
with you. Now you...
Say your line again.
- Check the gate please.
- Cut.
- Well, Cole...
- I'm trying to help you.
Have you always been like this?
How you got this movie,
I'll never know.
- Some other time we could go camping?
- What?
- You know, just you and me.
- Let's go.
Mitch, I'm lonely.