Failure to Launch (2006) Movie Script

I just feel really close to you.
You are really close to me.
Well, this way we can share everything.
Wow, that's so good.
They're still so in love.
How great is that?
So, where do you see us going?
Well, tonight I see us
going back to my place.
- This is your house?
- Yeah.
It's beautiful!
Thank you.
I like to come home to a nice place.
I'm happy. Are you happy?
Oh, yeah. Happy is what I'm all about.
Tripp, as long as you're up, Son...
Come on, Pop! Whoa, man.
Don't you knock?
Your momma's...
She's snoring like a rhino.
And then this music got started...
Hey, you must be Melody.
Oh! It's Melissa!
It's Melissa. Okay. All right.
Y'all have a good time.
Night, Pop.
You live with your parents?
Is that a problem?
Are you kidding me?
And she's leaving.
Stomping down the steps.
Unbelievable! Parents?
Putting on her coat.
Did you move that umbrella stand?
Oh, shit!
We gotta get rid of that thing.
You know we're gonna get sued?
Damn it!
And she's out.
Another one bites the dust.
And he is still here.
- Morning, Mom.
- Morning.
What do you say, Pop?
Good morning, Son.
Get any sleep last night?
- Okay, honey, here you go.
- You're the best, Mom.
Are you kidding me?
- Have a good day.
- You, too.
- Don't forget your snack.
- Thanks.
- Think fast!
- Bye!
So you dumped Melissa?
Well, technically, she dumped me.
What happened?
It was last night.
We were in a restaurant.
She sees this elderly couple
and they're holding hands,
and then she decides to hold my hand.
So she smiles at me.
Next thing I know,
she gives me "the look."
Dude, I'm so sorry.
No harm, no foul, though.
It was just time for her
to meet the parents.
Not the parents.
Bye-bye, Melissa.
Here we go again.
Yeah. What's your point?
The point is, my friend,
you are afraid of love.
Bullshit. No, no, no, no, no, man,
I'm not afraid of love.
I love love.
Look, I've had a lot of girlfriends, right?
And sometimes I'm the rebound guy.
Other times, when I get lucky,
I'm the "explore new areas
of your sexuality" guy.
But every single time, we have fun.
Thank you.
I have fun, they have fun.
It's good for me, it's good for them.
And I would argue that's it's damn good
for civilization as a whole.
If more people thought that way...
I do sleep well at night.
On a twin bed, with Superman sheets
that you've had since you were six.
As opposed to you,
who sleeps in a king-sized bed
in your mother's basement?
It's orthopedic, and I need it.
And at least I'm not sponging
off my parents
so I can afford to get laid
on every continent.
I'm a rambling man. I'm a tumbleweed.
I'm a seeker of truth.
And one truth I've learned,
a child is a parent's greatest joy.
Which is why I can't leave
my parents' place,
because they would miss me!
Amen, brother!
And yet, in America,
we're shunned for our lifestyle.
When we should be celebrating
our lifestyle.
- We are men who still live at home.
- Yes!
We're not here to apologize
about who we are, or how we do it,
- or who we live with.
- No!
I'm looking around this table, "hombres,"
and I see three winners.
And to every one of those out there
who sees something different,
I say bring it on!
'Cause it's going to take
a stick of dynamite
to get me out of my parents' house.
The boy's 35 years old!
It's just not fair.
Thirty-five years!
We were good parents,
and now we're supposed to be done!
Hey, I don't blame my kid for staying.
Our place is much nicer
than anything he can afford.
Well, our son's a flight attendant.
He travels so much
it doesn't make any sense
- to have his own apartment.
- Yeah.
Plus he has a lot of pilot friends
who let him stay over.
Well, I say the whole thing comes down
to being afraid to spank.
I mean you can't build a house
without a hammer!
Anyone for a guava smasher?
I learned to make them in Maui.
These really chase your troubles away.
Cheers, sweetie.
And who is my hot little "wahine," huh?
Bev? What is that?
Oh, I got this in Hawaii.
This is Lono, the god of fertility.
Bud has one, too.
Do you want to see it?
- No!
- No!
No. I mean, what's going on here?
- Dougie moved out!
- Dougie moved out!
- What?
- You're kidding.
- Yes!
- When?
What, like two months ago!
It's been amazing!
Hey, how many times a week
do you think we do it?
- Oh!
- Oh, Bud.
What? Oh!
I can't believe it. How'd you do it?
Dougie's a sweet kid, but...
How in the world did you get him
to move out?
He met a girl.
Met a girl?
Tripp meets a new girl every week.
Well, let's just say maybe he hasn't met
the right girl.
Al, I don't want another recliner.
I want something new.
Hey, here's something new!
Cup holders.
That's not what I'm talking about.
- Okay.
- That's nice.
Get what you want.
Just know that I'm going to be having
an affair within the next six months.
If I've gotta recline,
I'm making it interesting.
Hey, gang.
Let's stay on point here, huh?
We're picking out chairs.
Hello, Dolly!
Son, you see her?
Pop? Pick a chair.
This is the one I want.
- Sold.
- No, that's polka dot.
We're not gonna put that in the house.
Pop, relax.
She's taking the chair with her
when she leaves you.
We ain't buying that chair.
I am getting this polka-dot chair.
I've got my own money.
Unless you start dancing again,
you're broke.
Excuse me.
- That's mine.
- Yes, ma'am.
You're buying that?
Want a cocktail, blanket or anything?
No, I just need my 20 minutes.
- For what?
- To clear my head.
I come here to relax.
You know what helps me?
Put on the Food Network.
Takes the edge right off.
Gotta find what works for you.
Okay, look, the salesmen don't mind
because I bring them coffee,
and the music selection
is a soothing blend
of mid-'70s singer-songwriters
and smooth jazz.
It's practically narcotic.
And, usually, people leave me alone.
Sure they do.
There's what you're talking about.
It's nice, huh?
Yeah! I make fun of my parents,
but these babies are sweet.
- I'm Paula.
- I'm Tripp.
You know, usually I don't sleep
with someone on the first date.
I don't think this counts as a first date.
It would be a date if you asked me
to have a drink tonight.
Wanna have a drink tonight?
Can't. How about lunch tomorrow?
Sure. Wait. Tomorrow's Saturday.
Sometimes I eat on Saturdays.
No, I'm doing something
with my nephew.
How about Monday?
I'll meet you here.
Hey, hey!
Hey, Paula.
Good news, it's Champagne Thursday.
It's Friday.
Yeah, Thursday came twice this week.
For the third straight week.
There's talk of making it permanent.
Kind of like daylight-savings time?
Right. But for booze.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Shut up, you whore.
I'm sorry.
Was I sipping too loudly for you?
No, you're not sipping too loud.
It's that goddamn bird
outside my goddamn window.
What the hell kind of devil bird
chirps at night?
I think it sounds kind of pretty.
You met a guy today.
As a matter of fact, I did.
He's cute, too.
I met a guy today, too.
He's a radiologist.
Well, that's a step up.
He offered to give me a full-body scan
next week, free of charge.
Those don't come cheap, you know.
I know. I'm pretty excited about it.
How cute?
Well, Tripp's a really nice guy.
He's smart, he's sweet, he's funny.
We had a wonderful first meeting.
I see incredible potential here.
So all systems are go?
Based on the initial
personality assessment,
I think that I can have your son
moved out of this house
and living on his own by June 15th.
Well, you know, you'd be amazed
at how many adult children
are still living at home.
Now, it's my opinion that the root cause
is a lack of self-esteem.
Oh, Oprah talks about that all the time.
Oprah don't know crap!
Heck, when I was growing up,
nobody had self-esteem,
and we turned out fine.
You're a rock, Al.
You make me a better woman.
Look, many young men who should
be able to move out, simply can't.
It's called "failure to launch."
And that's where I come in.
Young men develop self-esteem best
during a romantic relationship,
so I simulate one.
We have a memorable meeting.
We get to know each other
over a few casual meals,
he helps me through
an emotional crisis,
then I meet his friends,
if he has any,
then I let him teach me something...
But the bottom line is,
he bonds with me.
He lets go of you.
He moves out.
But how do you make sure
that he'll fall in love with you?
You look nice,
you find out what they like,
and then you pretend to like it, too.
That is pretty much how it works.
What about sex?
Al, I never have sex with a client.
Besides, I need to keep Tripp motivated,
and let's face it, after men have sex...
Is there anything that we need to do?
Well, for starters, you could make life
a little more difficult for him.
You know, more chores,
more responsibilities, that kind of thing.
I just think you should know that Tripp
has had some rough breaks.
I promise you, when this is over,
Tripp is going to be an independent,
self-sufficient adult.
Shut up, dude! Don't help him!
- Watch the safety. No, no, no.
- No, he's in a run defense...
Don't do it! Don't do it! I got you!
I got you!
- Throw it to Moss. Throw it to Moss!
- Watch out! I'm going deep!
No, you don't! Shit!
That's a bad word, Jeffrey.
So is "bastard," but that just means
your parents aren't married.
- Look at him! Look at him!
- No! Shit!
He could go all the way!
- Sit down!
- That's a face!
That's great, man.
That's good sportsmanship.
Nice dance.
Wow, my forehead itches.
That's cool, the "L" for loser.
Keep it up, little man.
I'll make you walk home.
Hell, you are such a good uncle.
That's like eight miles.
It'll take you two days.
- Hey, boys.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Tripp, we're going out.
All right, listen, you got any more
chips and salsa downstairs?
Oh, I didn't get to the store.
But you could go.
And you said you needed
your basketball shorts,
so I put them in the laundry.
- Right. Thank you, babe.
- But I didn't get to it.
So you're going to need to do a load.
A load?
And your bathroom needs cleaning,
so I left the stuff in the hall.
And when you're done
with the rubber gloves,
just remember to turn them inside out.
Something's wrong with your mom.
This is really nice.
I've never actually been
on a sailboat before.
Hey, I'd be fine
if I never set foot on solid ground again.
You know, I bet I'd really love it
if we ever left the dock.
Well, yeah!
But to actually take you out on the water
on a first date
would be very forward of me, Paula.
Well, so far I must say
I'm very impressed.
Beautiful setting, a simple meal...
I assume this technique
has worked in the past?
Yes, ma'am, it has.
Is it working now?
You know what? It kind of is.
Let's go for a walk.
But I'm not done with lunch.
Yeah, you are.
Seriously, I'm not one of those girls
who don't eat. I want...
I wanted all of that.
See, technically, this is not my boat.
Actually, it's not my boat in any way.
- What?
- I'm a boat broker. I sell boats.
I would love to own a boat like this,
but it's not the right time in my life.
Besides, the guy
who does own this boat
is right behind you.
Hey there, Mr. Axelrod!
I thought you were out of town!
Well, I was, and now I'm not.
What's going on? Is that a fork?
Are you eating on my boat?
When did you redo the galley?
Oh, you're in the market?
Might be. What's she draw?
Cherry's a little dark.
The wife picked it.
It's got nice lines.
She's fast, too.
Well, she certainly is yare.
I'll think about it. Thanks for your time.
Yes, ma'am.
Thank you.
You're gonna let her walk away?
I'm giving her space, Mr. Axelrod.
I'm going after her.
Excuse me, ma'am.
"She certainly is yare"?
Philadelphia Story.
All right, assuming
that pretending to own a yacht
was a brilliant, romantic,
yet ultimately flawed idea,
how do you see the rest of the date
playing out?
I don't know. I'm so hungry I can't think.
Seagulls ate my lunch.
What if I take you to a restaurant?
Are you gonna pretend to own it?
No. All the restaurants I own
are in Europe.
Well, hey there, Ace.
Glad you could make it, man.
We thought you went home.
I fell into a deep, dark crevasse.
I was so scared.
Did you go out with La-Z-Girl?
Paula. I did. We had lunch.
Will there be a second date?
There will be a second date.
Yet the relationship
is doomed to failure.
Right. And why are we doomed?
You live with your parents?
He's right.
Your entire life is set up perfectly
for ending relationships.
We've been out one time.
She's a nice girl, I'm a nice guy,
we had fun.
And I must tell you, son,
nothing is doomed.
Gnarly crash!
What are you doing?
Remember, we're the visitors here.
Come on.
- Wow. You're feeding it a little peanut?
- Yeah.
He gets that stuff all the time, man.
This is what he wants.
You want a treat from the big city, boy?
He's not a child, Tripp.
Look how peaceful he is.
Come here, little boy.
You want a little bit of chocolate,
You're giving him a PowerBar?
Everybody loves chocolate.
Tripp, he's saying no.
Look into my eyes.
He's saying no, Tripp.
Tripp? Tripp? Dude?
Get off!
What is he doing? Is that a squirrel?
No, it's a chipmunk.
Watch the bike.
Oh, hey. I'm Tripp.
You must be Kit.
It's a mockingbird.
Who did what?
It's a mockingbird.
What is?
You don't hear that?
That annoying noise.
Oh, yeah, now I hear it.
I looked it up.
They can imitate car alarms,
and telephones, and other birds.
I called Animal Control,
and you know what they said?
They said I should just enjoy
one of nature's most talented singers.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna kill it.
Okay, I'm all set.
- Oh, wow.
- Hi.
Wow, look at you.
Well, look at you.
Sweet shoes.
Really? Thanks.
Okay, well, Kit, we're gonna go.
See you.
- You ready?
- Yeah.
Okay, you two kids have a blast.
- Thanks.
- Hey, Kit, good luck with the...
It's a chipmunk bite.
I figured.
Obviously not a normal chipmunk.
You're right about that.
No, this was like a big, oversized, like,
bobcat, grizzly-bear chipmunk.
I'm pretty fortunate to still be here.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
What did the doctor say?
I didn't need to see a doctor.
I had some cream at home
that I put on it.
- You had chipmunk cream?
- Yeah.
- Wow, that's lucky.
- Isn't it?
I take it you like Japanese food.
Oh, I love it.
I'm also gonna order a huge dessert,
drink too much,
and maybe talk about my old boyfriends.
- Yeah?
- Does that intimidate you?
Not at all.
Cheers, Paula.
All right, T-R-l-double-P going in
to get a little squid.
Do you need me to help you with that?
I got it. I got it. Look at this, look at this.
I admire the confidence.
Thank you. I am fairly...
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry! Excuse me.
Squid's a little bit greasy tonight.
Sorry. Yeah.
That's not easy to do.
I didn't see anything.
Tell me about yourself.
What do you do for a living?
I teach special needs kids.
- How's the hand?
- It's fine.
- Is it throbbing?
- No.
Is the medication wearing off?
Gotta scratch.
Oh, yeah.
home again.
Home again.
I had a nice time.
I did, too.
I had fun.
Shut up!
Shut up you crazy bastard bird bitch!
Hey, Kit!
What? Hi.
Can you guys see me?
- Yeah!
- Yeah.
Oh. Great.
Dinner and a show.
Good night.
Good night.
Now, what type of a boat
do you see yourself in?
Well, I'm not sure.
But I do know that I need
to be out in the open sea.
Well, you gotta ask yourself
some questions.
Do you like speed?
Do you like to hear
the roar of an engine?
Do you want to get from point A
to point B as quickly as possible?
If that turns you on,
then you want a powerboat.
Okay, that's it. That's it.
Power. That's me. Yes.
Well, that's one way to go.
But maybe you want to slow down.
You know, listen to the wind
and the water.
Have sunrise and sunset
as your only clock.
Know that you could go
around the world
on less than a tank of gas.
Now, if that sounds good to you,
then maybe you're sailors.
This is not a hobby. This...
It's a lifestyle.
Well, now that is passion!
- What has happened to you?
- What's happened to me?
I want to feel the wind.
I do not want to feel...
I want to make the wind, okay? Look...
- Make the wind?
- Yeah. I'm not a sailor.
You don't make wind
sitting on a boat in a dock.
I'm a power guy. Power.
Like "power boat."
- You're a power guy?
- Excuse me.
- I want to feel that beneath...
- Guys who drink Kahlua and cream
are not power guys, honey.
Whoa, slow down, slow down, Paula.
Mr. Fritz was my best friend
since he was a little puppy.
Just a little fur ball.
He was too small
to even jump up on the bed
and now he's...
Got a tissue or something?
- He saved my life, you know.
- He did?
And now I can't do
anything for him, and I...
Oh, shit.
I'm so glad you're here.
Yeah, of course I am.
Can I have a minute alone with him?
Thank you.
- I'll be right outside.
- Okay.
Thanks, Gretchen.
Gosh, Emotional Crisis Day
is so critical.
I cry, he cries.
It totally bonds us.
So how long do you think
he's gonna sleep for?
Half an hour.
He's only here for some dental work.
Oh. What's his real name, anyway?
I don't know.
I just clean their teeth
and chop their balls off.
God, that is so sad.
Yeah, it was a beautiful dog, man.
She was devastated.
Well, this is exactly what she needs.
Good choice.
- There she is. Hey, Paula.
- Hi.
Paula, these are my good friends,
Demo and Ace. Guys, Paula.
Hi, it's nice to meet you.
- I'm so sorry for your loss.
- Come on, don't.
Thank you.
- Nice suit. How you doing?
- Thank you. Hi.
You know, most guys would've
sent flowers, chocolates maybe,
but I gotta say,
I did not see this coming.
Well, you know,
anybody can send flowers, Paula.
Now, I'm going to let you in
on "the" secret.
It's called the "finger roll."
Quick fingers, light on the trigger.
See, double trigger...
More paintballs in less time
means victory.
Let's see it.
When you're out there today
and you got these paintballs
flying at you at over 200 miles an hour,
I guarantee you will not be thinking
about the late, great Mr. Fritz.
Holy moly. They really move that fast?
Oh, my God!
I'm so sorry!
Nice shot!
- Oh, thanks.
- He's okay.
Let's go shoot some strangers, huh?
First one to paint the skirt gets a beer.
I think that guy just laughed at me.
Who are these guys?
They go by "Devil Babies."
They finished third
in the National Championship.
This should be an excellent test
of our skills.
- Wait. These guys are champions?
- All right, all right.
They didn't win it.
Move, move, move!
Let's go!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Let's go! Go, go, go, go!
There you are! Look alive!
I'm out.
- Watch out!
- Watch it!
Come on, blondie!
Am I out?
I didn't know they sold beer here.
They don't.
There you go! Stay down, Paula!
Stay down!
Can I have one?
Check it out!
Warm day, huh?
Nice talking to you.
Damn it!
Sorry! Sorry!
Does it count if it was an accident?
Bad finger roll.
All right, I need you to come to me.
No, thanks. I'm just gonna
stay over here till it's over.
- Now!
- Okay.
I'm out.
Shit! I'm out!
- You will not have died in vain!
- Stay down.
Paula, where are you?
Finger roll. Finger roll. Finger roll.
Oh, Tinkerbell!
Come out, come out, wherever you are!
The sooner you lose,
the sooner you can go shopping!
Oh, man!
Who's laughing now?
You did it!
- Get out of here!
- Boy, you made it!
Come on!
Where'd that come from?
- Look at you!
- I love it.
- Hey, Kit!
- Kind of fun, huh?
You know what?
I'm gonna go powder my nose.
I take it you're over
your dead golden retriever.
You know, if I really had a dog
and he really had died,
I think this would have totally helped.
Man, she's got good spatial awareness.
And great hair!
- Thanks.
- She's a keeper, man.
She's really great. Really great, Tripp.
So can we go now?
Meeting the friends is very important.
Guys need to know
we not only like them,
but we like their friends, too.
Fine. The tall one's kind of cute.
What's he do?
Oh, he's some kind of software writer.
He works out of his basement,
but he makes a lot of money.
Oh, you know what?
No, that's the little guy.
The tall one just got fired from Kinko's.
How will I choose?
This is going very well.
Good. So we can go now.
Not until I get "the nod."
If I don't get "the nod,"
the friends undermine.
I think you're getting "the nod."
Oh, yeah.
Oh, Tripp is just cruising
through the steps.
In fact, I think tomorrow
I'm gonna let him teach me something.
Now, basically there's two ways
to turn a boat.
There's "coming about,"
which is turning into the wind,
and there's "jibing,"
which is turning away from the wind.
Now, jibing is something that you
never want to do with a rookie onboard,
so let's give it a shot, huh?
Well, wait, wait, wait.
Why is jibing bad?
It's not bad, it's just fun. Jibe ho!
Come on, babe! Let's get over there!
Come on, boy!
Oh, my God!
Nothing like the threat of decapitation
to make it a little more interesting.
Make off this sheet, like so.
"Jibe ho" and "making off the sheet"?
That's too many words to learn.
I just want to get a suntan.
Here, take the wheel.
What? Really?
Oh, yeah.
All right.
- We call it the helm.
- Okay.
Wait, wait, wait! What are you doing?
I'm going down below.
What's down below?
I don't know, beer, wine, chips, rum.
I don't know. It's not my boat.
But I don't know what I'm doing!
I'm not kidding! Seriously!
You're sailing!
What if I hit something?
I think you'll be okay. Fly.
I'm sailing.
Oh, man.
That's gorgeous!
You know, I thought going on a boat
was a good idea because you like it,
but my God! That was great!
You should buy that boat! I mean,
I'm sure it's expensive, but so what?
Well, I like that boat, but I really don't...
I don't really want a new boat.
What I would love
is an old wooden boat.
Now, they're a lot more upkeep,
but when you're on one of those,
it's like you're part of something,
you know?
It's like you're connected, you know,
to the original seafaring people
who set sail into the unknown
and said things like,
"Holy crap, that's a big wave!"
So do it. Buy a crummy old boat.
Who cares,
as long as you're out there?
Well, I'm working on it.
The thing is, you gotta be ready.
I mean, it's a big commitment.
And if you're not ready, you just end up,
well, a Ionely guy
with a big boat payment.
Who says you have to be Ionely?
- Hey.
- Oh, hey! Hi!
I didn't know you were home.
Yeah, everyone from work
went to T.G.I. Friday's,
but I don't really like that place.
- Or anyone I work with.
- Oh, good.
So then we can stay in and watch
one of those drinking movies you like.
I smell something.
Do you smell something?
Oh, Tripp and I had crab today.
No, that's not it.
I smell fun.
You are a dirty little fun-haver.
That is absurd.
Tripp is a fascinating case.
He doesn't fit the usual profile.
Of losers and shut-ins?
I actually don't even see
why he still lives at home.
He's got a good job,
he's got normal social skills,
he's attractive,
he's really sweet.
That's so nice that you get to hang out
with such a sweet guy every day.
It was a rewarding
and successful work day. That's all.
And at the end of it,
I looked into his eyes,
and I saw it.
I've got him.
He is as good as moved out.
It's over. She's gotta go.
You're dumping Paula?
- What happened?
- Same thing that always happens.
Everything is going along
nice and smooth,
we're having a good time,
and all of a sudden, out of nowhere...
She gets serious.
I hate to say it, boys,
but it is time to take the girl home.
- You're doing it again.
- What?
The thing where the woman gets close
and you pull the relationship ripcord.
Guys, it's simple. The fun's gone.
Hey, guys, check this out!
Hey, boy!
Come here, boy. Come here, boy.
What's he saying, Demo?
Where'd you go?
Where'd he go?
- Let me ask you something, Demo.
- Yeah.
How's this surfing
if there are no waves?
Should we go after him?
Well, he's their passenger now.
He just took him underwater!
Take me!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit! The son of a bitch bit me!
So you were bit by a dolphin?
Yeah. And not just any dolphin, either.
This was a great white dolphin,
all right?
I'm lucky to still be here.
- This is your house?
- Yeah.
- It's beautiful.
- Thank you.
I like to come home to a nice place.
- Come on in.
- Thank you.
- It's very pretty.
- Thank you.
- You want something to drink?
- Yeah, sure.
Beer? Glass of wine?
- Sure, wine would be great, thanks.
- Glass of wine.
Hey, Mom, Pop,
I thought y'all were going out.
Out? What would we go out for?
We've got those brand-new chairs!
Tripp, who's your little friend?
Mom, Dad, this is Paula.
Paula, this is my mom, my dad,
Sue and Al.
Wow! Well!
- Hello. How do you do?
- Hello.
It's a great pleasure to meet you both.
Hi, Paula.
So you...
You live with your parents.
Is that a problem?
Not for me.
Would you like to stay for dinner?
Oh! Wow. I'd love to. Thank you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Why?
Well, it smells good,
and I'm really hungry. Aren't you?
Yeah, I'm hungry.
But my mom here, she's cooking dinner.
Like she does most nights.
Right here, where I live,
with them,
in the same house I grew up in.
That's nice.
I'm gonna go mow the lawn.
Well, we're about to sit down...
Might mow the neighbor's, too.
Is this really okay? 'Cause I don't want
to intrude on family time.
Oh, it's fine. I'll set another place.
Okay, thanks.
I'm gonna go help Dad.
Is there...
Is there anything I can do to help?
Listen, I am so sorry.
I had no idea that he was
going to bring me over here.
But you are doing great.
Well, you're not.
I don't know what to tell you, honey,
but that strict program of yours?
You're gonna have to start deviating.
He's breaking up with you.
The only reason
he ever brings girls home to meet us
is 'cause he's getting ready
to dump them.
that's not happening.
- Hey, Paula? Hey, sweetie?
- Yes?
I appreciate you staying
for dinner, all right?
And I know that must have been
very awkward.
Not at all.
Not at all?
You don't mind that my parents
are downstairs right now?
They're asleep in their chairs.
Don't stare.
I'm paying for it. I'll stare if I want to.
I'm just saying, you know, they might...
They might hear us.
Why? Are you a screamer?
Hey, you're up! Wow, early risers.
Hey, listen.
FYI, work-wise, we're definitely on track.
Things are good. Tripp is good.
Well, actually, he's fantastic.
Of course, I don't need to tell you that.
You're his parents.
I'm just trying to say, you should be
very proud of him.
You got a lovely home.
I'm sorry, miss, you're not allowed
to eat that in the store.
I need to buy a gun.
How much is this big gun here?
That's a 12-gauge shotgun.
That's a pretty powerful weapon.
You know, for a woman your size,
I'd probably recommend something
a little, you know...
More compact?
So I just point, and then I squeeze
the trigger and then boom.
Yeah. What did you say
you were shooting?
Twelve hundred bucks? Wow.
How much are the bullets for this?
Shells. Shotguns use shells.
Anyway. Whatever.
They're 15 bucks for a box of 25.
Okay, I don't need a whole box.
I just need...
You know,
I get sad sometimes, too.
So many pressures in life, you know?
Can I give you a phone number
for some people who can help...
Oh, no.
It's like a hotline.
Listen, sunshine, I'm not
- suicidal.
- No, I know.
I just have a problem
with a mockingbird.
- you can't kill a mockingbird.
- Why not?
Well, for one, there's the book
To Kill a Mockingbird.
A copy of that, too, right here.
No, it's not a manual
on how to kill mockingbirds.
It's a classic American novel.
How do you not know this?
I know a lot of other things.
Give me the gun!
- No!
- Yes!
I'm not gonna sell you this gun.
Mockingbirds are protected under
the Federal Migratory Bird Treaty Act.
Killing one is a crime.
Look, this is insane.
I have rights, too, you know.
Or maybe you haven't heard
of the Sixth Amendment!
The right to a speedy and public trial?
You. You're on my list,
I got great boat shoes.
- What's going on?
- Nothing.
I got shoes for the next time
Tripp and I go sailing.
And they're not just cute.
Tripp says they're actually
very practical.
They have these little ridges
on the bottom...
Wait, wait, wait, slow down.
Look at me.
- What happened last night?
- What happened last night?
I tried to end it.
Tried, as in "you failed"?
But the sex was fantastic.
You had sex with him?
This is not a big deal.
What was that rule that you had about
never ever having sex with clients?
Oh, yeah,
"I never ever have sex with my clients."
Those are my rules.
I can change them if I need to.
It's not like I don't know what I'm doing.
So your parents weren't home?
No, they were downstairs.
- And you were upstairs?
- Yeah.
Look, I am still in control.
This was a one-time
emergency situation.
You know what? It's very complicated.
I don't have time right now
to explain to you how business works.
You don't need to explain to me
how business works. I'm not an idiot.
Do you know that I have a contract?
I have fiduciary responsibilities
to uphold.
From a fiduciary standpoint,
would you say that you had an orgasm?
Come on! Were we talking to you?
No. Clean that mess up.
Hey, hey! Hey. Can we please
discuss this someplace else?
That's okay, you guys can stay here
if you want.
What are you gonna do now?
I don't know.
I'm in uncharted waters here, boys.
My mom thinks it's her dog,
but I do all the work.
I mean, you don't brush an Irish setter...
- You have an Irish setter?
- Yeah!
I have a yellow Lab!
I mean, he's getting kind of old,
but we should definitely
get them together.
We should...
God, I'm so lucky. I mean, I'm so lucky.
I mean, look at you, and look at me.
Hey, I mean, come on, look at you.
You're smart, you're attractive,
you love the original "Star Wars" trilogy,
because it's all about
storytelling, and myth,
before CGI ruined everything.
I mean, come on, what girl
wouldn't want to be with you?
A shocking number, actually.
Well, you know what? It's their loss.
You show me a guy who loves "Empire"
and I will show you a guy
who's not afraid of his imagination.
Like with Luke gets to the cave,
and he asks Yoda what's in there,
and Yoda says...
"Only what you take with you."
But he goes in anyway, because
he is not afraid of his own mind!
Walking the path of the Jedi, that's why.
That's you! You're Luke!
I gotta pee.
Didn't you just go?
Listen, listen, I'll be right back.
Just don't go anywhere, okay?
I'm not gonna go anywhere.
All right, cool.
But, really, don't go anywhere.
Hiya, Paula.
Oh, God!
You scared the crap out of me.
What you doing?
This isn't your usual place, is it?
Just, you know, just...
having lunch with a friend.
You always hold your friends' hands?
Like, then I touched...
We touched hand.
I just touched his hand.
Well, my friends never touch my hands.
You've put me
in a very difficult position here.
Okay, look, what do you want?
It's just coffee.
You don't have to marry him.
First of all,
that's the geeky computer guy.
It's bad enough I have to go out
with a loser who still lives with his mom,
but you led me to believe that it was
the handsome minimum-wage slacker.
No, I don't think that I did that.
Okay, I didn't have a choice.
He was going to tell Tripp
and you were the only
bargaining chip that I had.
You should take that as a compliment.
He's a troll.
He's not a troll. He's... He's...
He's endearing, and quirky.
Oh, for Christ's sake.
I'm coming!
Damn it.
I hope you like fish.
So how does Paula do it, anyway?
It seems like it would be hard on her.
Does she ever get it confused
with her real life?
What makes you think
she has a real life?
It's just kind of a weird job.
I mean, how does one
get into that field?
A couple of years ago, she fell for a guy
who wouldn't move out
of his parents' house.
I don't know, I guess
because she couldn't fix him,
she has to fix
all the other losers out there.
No offense.
None taken.
Listen, if you want to go, that's okay.
I'm sorry I slammed the door
on your face.
I don't sleep much.
Me, either.
Just have too much stuff going on
in my head. Is that the same thing?
No, no.
No. No. I want to sleep,
but I can't, because there's a bird
outside my window
and all night long it chirps,
and it chirps, and it chirps,
and it's annoying,
and I can't get it to shut up!
I have a BB gun.
Go, Omaha!
Say, did you get my message today?
No. You know what,
I had my phone turned off.
I was having lunch with a girlfriend.
My teacher, Miss Kramer,
has a girlfriend.
Oh! That's nice.
She's a lesbian.
Well, don't act all cool about it!
You're jealous 'cause you like her.
You're the one
who was always staring at her shirt.
He's lying.
I don't hear anything.
He'll come.
He always comes.
How many times did you pump it?
- Twice.
- Good.
'Cause we don't want to kill it,
just sting it so it flies away.
So, is Kit short for Katherine?
Yes. Is Ace short for
No, it's a nickname.
What, are you really good at cards
or something?
Until I was 10,
I had an undescended testicle.
There you are.
Say good night, birdie.
I got him!
You pumped it more than twice,
didn't you?
Oh, my God!
God, why'd you make me do that?
- Clear the table!
- Oh, God!
- Oh, my God! Is he okay?
- I don't know.
- Where's he hit?
- I don't know!
- Is he dead?
- I...
Oh, no!
Look! Look! The BB.
Well, maybe it's just stunned.
Do you know CPR?
- Well, yeah, but...
- Do it!
- It's a bird!
- Do it!
Okay. Check vitals. Where's the pulse?
- Gently.
- Open the airway.
- Don't hurt him!
- I'm not hurting him!
Okay. Be careful with him.
- He's little.
- I don't know.
Oh, my God, it's not working!
He's going!
Do something! We're losing him!
Not on my watch!
One, one thousand, two, one thousand,
three, one thousand.
Walk away from the light, little buddy!
One, one thousand, two, one thousand,
three, one thousand!
Please, God!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God! He's alive!
What the...
I'm hungry.
Captain, you just had nachos,
two hot dogs, and a bag of peanuts.
I didn't have ice cream.
My bad.
Fine. Can I have a fruit bar?
Now you're getting good.
That's good. A negotiator here. All right.
Hey, wait for me.
Let's check with Miss Paula,
see if she needs anything.
Maybe a Royal's Number One
foam finger.
Don't come back without a foam finger.
You got it.
Tripp and Jeffrey are very cute together,
aren't they?
- Yeah. Listen, while we have a minute,
- Yeah?
...I really want to talk to you
about the whole
dating-my-best-friend-for-money thing.
- What?
- So, this must be the date
where you show that you share
the guy's intense passion for something
that, really, you don't have
the slightest interest in.
Okay, look, I don't know
what you heard, but...
Ace told me everything.
Don't worry, I haven't ratted you out.
Truth is, I support your overall goal.
But if you really want to help him,
and I think you do,
you have to have all the facts.
Starting with the fact
that Jeffrey's not Tripp's nephew.
You ever heard of Amy?
Amy is... He's Amy's son.
Amy is Tripp's first love,
and she died six years ago.
He never told you that, did he?
Oh, my God!
I am the worst person in the world.
Oh, hey, you're home. Great.
I have to break up with Tripp.
I'm terminating my contract, and...
I can't do it.
What happened in here?
Nothing. I tripped.
Go on with your story.
Oh. Well,
Tripp was engaged.
- Okay.
- And you know Jeffrey, his nephew?
He's not his nephew.
He's not related to him at all.
Jeffrey is a boy whose mother
was gonna marry Tripp,
and she died.
That's so sad.
God, I know.
Who gives a shit?
I beg your pardon?
Seriously. I've never heard you
talk this way about a client before.
I don't know why you're whining
about this one.
He's been through an actual tragedy!
This is about Tripp not being
an appropriate client.
It's an ethical problem.
Who's that?
Oh! In...
That's Phillip.
Who's Phillip?
I... Oh!
Hi, ladies.
Did I say that you could come out?
Well, well, well, well, well.
He's nice.
That's nice.
Look, I don't see
why it's so complicated.
You like Tripp. Tell Tripp you like him.
I gotta tell you something.
I told Paula about Amy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What? What...
You were never going to.
You never even say her name.
Amy was his ex-fiance.
She died about six years ago.
To lose love is greatest pain of all.
That's right.
It's okay to cry. We'll turn around.
I'm fine, guys.
You had no right to do that, man.
That's my life.
You're right, you're right.
And, normally...
I believe everybody
needs to walk their own path,
but just you're not walking yours. Okay?
You're sitting near the path, on a rock.
This was the only thing I could do,
given the circumstances.
Brings up the other thing I gotta tell you.
I feel a little bit bad
because I kind of implied to Paula
that I wouldn't say anything, but...
Deception's a poison.
It's like margarine.
I can't have that in my body.
God damn it, Demo, get to the point.
Come on.
Your parents hired Paula to date you
so that you'd move out of their house.
Bullshit. What are you talking about?
They're paying her to be your girlfriend.
- Paula?
- Yeah.
But she's a professional interventionist.
It's her job.
You know?
You're telling me it's not real?
No. No, it's real! It's very real!
Okay, you're upset right now.
I want to encourage you to see past
that bottomless sense of betrayal.
Focus on the future, okay?
'Cause I think you guys
could work things out.
I mean it.
I think you crazy kids have a shot.
So you came home
and he was cooking?
- Hey, you know what?
- What?
- Smells good.
- I know!
Can you get that?
Hi. I didn't know that you guys
were gonna be here.
Listen, we didn't, either. Come on in.
Okay. Thank you.
Tripp's in the kitchen.
That does, too.
All right!
Hey, there's my girl. Come here, you.
Hey, what's going on?
Got a little family dinner.
All the people that I care about the most
together in one room. Good times.
Listen, can we talk?
Absolutely. There's gonna be
plenty of time to talk over dinner.
But right now, I'm cooking.
Mom, Pop, you want some more "vino?"
That's good, that's good.
Oh, just a little bit more
for the y-o-u, babe.
Tripp, I don't know what to say.
Oh, Mom, will you knock that talk off?
I made this beautiful dinner tonight
to say thank you
to the people that I love the most.
All of you.
I'm truly blessed.
Mom. Pop. Sweetie.
- That's good, Son.
- Cheers.
Dig in!
Hang on. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
I'm too excited.
I have an announcement to make here.
the last couple of weeks
that I've spent with you have been
I can honestly say that, because of you,
I've experienced emotions
that I didn't even know I had.
So call me crazy,
but I think
we should move in together.
That's my boy!
You okay, baby? Want some water?
Thank you.
That's wonderful news.
I am so proud of you, Son.
Right? And the thing is, Mom, Dad,
I've lived upstairs since I was three,
and it's been great.
All right? You two are the best parents
that a boy could ever ask for.
I mean, I can only hope that I'm going
to be able to give my kids,
our kids,
half of the love, the respect,
the understanding, the support,
that you two have given me.
I guess what I'm saying is,
it is time for Tripp
to spread his wings.
Well, this is very unexpected.
So here's the plan, all right?
We're going to blow out
the east wall of my bedroom,
enlarge the bathroom,
and basically turn the entire upstairs
into a secondary master suite
so there's room for the both of us,
and the both of you,
under the same roof.
What do you say?
I'm not understanding.
You want Paula to move in here?
Yes! It's the perfect solution.
Mom, Dad, you like her.
Paula, you like them.
We're all gonna be right here together
under one roof, a big happy family.
I'm telling you,
I'm getting really excited about this.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait just a second.
Take a deep breath here and...
Tripp, Tripp, I just think
that we should probably talk about this.
Just 'cause it's a big idea, and...
Honey, I've given this
a lot of thought, all right? It'll work!
And the best part about it is, Mom, Dad,
you won't have to keep paying Paula
to be my girlfriend.
What, did I say something wrong?
Come on.
You're all getting what you wanted.
Paula, you don't have to pretend
to like me anymore.
And, Mom, Dad,
you wanted me out of the house.
I'm out.
Tripp, wait! Tripp!
I don't want to hear it.
Come on, Tripp.
Please, you don't understand.
You're right. Now hold on.
I don't know what your daily rate is,
but that's everything
I've got in my wallet. There's $300.
Oh, come on, Tripp!
Which should be good for tonight,
especially since we didn't have sex.
Please, Tripp, let me just explain to you.
Get the fuck out of my car.
Oh, God.
So your parents gave her money.
My grandparents
give my baby-sitter money
and I still like her.
Well, good for you, Captain.
Hey, can we talk about something else?
Fine. The 32 is nice.
But I think I see myself more in a 37.
What do you think?
Don't buy a boat, dude.
I love... boats.
No, you don't love boats.
You love the idea of a boat.
But the reality is,
they're just a drain on your time,
your wallet, and your emotions.
And in the end,
she will break your heart.
You see, because no matter how much
you care for her,
she's got no feelings for you.
I mean, look at her, she's a boat.
She's wood.
So forget buying a boat.
You want to feel pain?
You're better off
slamming your hand in a car door.
You see, that's the stuff that screams,
"I live with my mother."
- What?
- I mean it.
I'm telling you as a friend.
You bring that weak stuff
to the playground,
you won't last 10 minutes.
Thank you very much for giving me
a few minutes of your time.
- Why don't you sit down?
- No, no, no, thank you.
No, I just want to give you this.
- What is it?
- It's your money.
I'm returning it.
I know it doesn't fix anything.
I know that nothing can,
but given the circumstances,
I don't feel good keeping it, so...
Really, please take it.
This has never happened before.
I want you to know that.
He seemed like an open-and-shut case.
I guess I was overly confident.
I don't know. And he...
He won't return
any of my phone calls, and I...
I keep replaying it over and over
in my mind. I just...
I don't know where I...
You're in love with our son.
Hey, come on, we're gonna go
rock climbing. Get in the car.
You've been moping around here
for two weeks.
Come on, get in.
Tripp! Come on, it's unlocked.
It wants you to get in.
Come on. Get in the car, Tripp.
Isn't this great, guys?
How you doing up there, Tripp?
- You feeling it?
- Yeah, baby.
This is a nice rock.
- Aren't you glad we came?
- Yeah.
Doing good. This is having fun.
Aren't we?
You guys want any carrots?
Tripp, you should call Paula.
- She wants to see you.
- That's enough, Demo!
A little slack, Ace!
Here you go.
Belay on.
You know, she's hurting, too.
She's miserable, Tripp.
Let it go, guys.
My bad.
I once knew a specialist used to send
some of his patients to me.
All they needed was a little push.
Look, Paula, this has to stop.
You don't sleep,
and the only thing I've seen you eat
in the last three days
is a bag of Mint Milanos.
Well, don't worry about me.
I'll be gone in a couple of weeks.
What? Where are you going?
I'm moving back to Colorado.
What are you gonna do in Colorado?
- I haven't figured it out.
- Well, that's stupid.
I mean, what are you gonna do
until you figure it out?
Move in with your parents?
Oh. That's so wrong.
Don't judge me, okay?
I mean, you, of all people?
Pretty funny.
You know what?
I'm the one who's in a real relationship!
You're the one who lies for a living!
You think you're so smart,
but you don't know anything!
Did you really think
you'd never get caught?
You could've been happy
but you blew it.
Now you try to act
like it's everyone else's fault,
but it's all you.
And now you think
Colorado's the answer?
You know, Kit,
just because you finally convinced a guy
to sleep with you more than once
doesn't make you
an expert on relationships.
- Tripp!
- Tripp!
Come on up, buddy.
- Tripp!
- Tripp?
Hey! Hey, buddy!
Come up. There you are.
- Is he...
- Hey.
Hey, guys.
You were bitten by a chuckwalla.
That shouldn't have happened.
It's a reptile of peace.
I have a theory.
This isn't the first time
that nature's lashed out at you like this.
I believe it's because your life
is fundamentally at odds
with the natural world.
- Huh?
- Therefore, nature rejects you.
You're insane.
Can I have some water?
- Yeah.
- Right here.
- Here we go.
- Okay, okay, easy.
Look, I've been all over the world.
You're the only human to my knowledge
who's been bitten by a dolphin,
a chipmunk, and a vegetarian lizard
in the same calendar year.
And you haven't been
a very good friend, either.
Do you realize that not once
have you asked me
about my relationship with Kit?
Dude, did you just drop me
from a 40-foot cliff?
I mean, you want
to talk about a friend, man,
you went behind my back,
and blackmailed your way
into getting your girlfriend.
He's right.
- I'm sorry I dropped you from a cliff.
- It's okay.
Granted, he used you,
but not out of malice.
Look at him.
How many chances is he gonna get?
He saw a chance for love, Tripp,
and he took it.
Which is exactly
what we wanted for you.
Am I getting advice
from my two loser buddies
who still live at home?
Actually, I own my home.
- What?
- No, you don't.
I bought it a couple of years ago
from my mom.
That way, she has a place to live
and I don't get nailed
on the inheritance tax.
- Smart.
- Wow.
And Demo, here, has chosen
the life of a wanderer.
I mean, sure,
he technically still lives at home.
- Yeah.
- But his permanent address
is in his heart.
He's a bum.
I think what we're trying to say
is that the two of us are happy
and we're perfectly functional.
And you, Tripp, are not.
Yeah, baby!
Hey, Pop.
Hey! Tripp. What are you doing here?
Just came by to get some stuff.
What are you doing?
Feeding my fish.
Yeah. I see that.
You're naked. In my room.
Well, this is my Naked Room.
I mean, it's my house.
A man ought to be able to do whatever
he wants to do in his own house.
Wore a suit for 40 years.
- So now we got 40 years of...
- No suit.
No suit.
All right.
I'm gonna let you get back
to feeding your fish.
Thanks for stopping by.
Hey, Pop? Seriously, man,
was it that bad having me around?
Don't be an idiot, Son.
Your mom and I love you.
Then why didn't you
just say something?
All you had to do was tell me.
You needed time
after Amy had passed away, Tripp.
And who knows how much time is right?
Is it two years? Is it six years?
Then I ran into Bud and Bev Nestor,
and they'd worked with Paula.
And their son is really happy now.
Lives in Seattle, I think.
Married an Indian girl.
Anyway, it just seemed easier.
All right.
Hey, man,
I gotta say, I like
what you've done with the place.
Yeah, I like it. I love you, Son.
I love you, too. Shake on it.
Why don't you get back
to scaring those fish, buddy? Huh?
All right.
Come back anytime, Son.
Come here. Bucket. Bucket.
- Hey, Mom.
- Tripp.
You see what's going on upstairs?
Pop's naked, in his Naked Room.
I know. He's always wanted one.
He tried to take over the dining room
until I convinced him
that the first floor was problematic.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
Just came by to pick up some clothes.
I'm sorry.
It was a lousy thing to do.
You know, when we first met Paula,
when we hired her, I...
I didn't want you to go.
For years, I've been dreading
the day you'd leave
and I always thought
it was 'cause I'd miss you so much.
Then I realized that
that was only part of it.
I didn't want you to leave because
being alone with your father
freaks the living shit out of me.
- What?
- I'm terrified, Tripp!
And it's not just about the Naked Room.
Since your father retired, I just...
I'm used to having you here.
Like a buffer, you know?
Somebody to talk to
when your father's all
moody and sullen, and...
Now I'm...
We're just gonna have to
get to know each other all over again.
What if he doesn't like me?
You still love him, right?
Against all odds.
Then you'll figure it out.
Come here.
You're gonna miss me.
That's true.
I called you all here together
because obviously we have a situation.
I know we all feel some responsibility,
but this isn't about blame,
it's about finding a solution.
Two people we love are hurting.
So let's put on our thinking caps.
Man, this shirt feels
like it weighs 100 pounds.
Okay, how about this?
We send flowers to Paula from Tripp,
and flowers to Tripp from Paula.
- Then what?
- Then they love each other.
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Because of the flowers!
Thank you, Phillip.
Now, let's all try to come up with a plan
that's not so idiotic.
I went through all the CDs,
but if you end up with some of mine
or I end up with some of yours,
let's just call it even, okay?
Okay, sure.
I hate this.
I know. I do, too.
So let's just get it over with, then.
Okay, look, I know I'm a girl
and I'm supposed to be better
at this emotional crap
but I'm not, so I'm just gonna say it.
I'm sorry that I pointed out to you
that you fell in love with a client
and that made you go crazy
and turn into a total bitch.
That must've been really hard
for you to say.
I thought it was going to be, but I just
kind of breezed right through it.
Well, thanks.
And I'm sorry that I pointed out
that you haven't had a real relationship
for the last five years
because I'm the only person
who can tolerate
your bizarre and violent mood swings.
Oh, thank you!
I'm gonna miss you.
Yeah, I'm going to miss you, too.
Can I at least give you
a ride to the airport?
On the way, let's stop at Phillip's,
so I can give you back
that sweater of yours that you lost.
Wow! This is fantastic!
- Yeah, it's pretty great.
- Wow.
At this point, we're just waiting
for his mom to kick it
so we can move upstairs.
That is a lovely sentiment.
Go, go, go, go!
Kit! What are you...
Oh, hi, fellas.
- Look in the closet.
- Hey, just look
- Yeah.
...right in the closet.
- Huh?
- Go, go, go, go, go!
Wait! What are you guys doing?
Sorry. I tried to do it fast
so it wouldn't hurt.
You were concerned about hurting me?
That's a refreshing change of pace.
Listen, I say there's no downside.
They already hate each other.
I wonder how they're doing.
Whoa, whoa, hold on just a second.
Let's check, shall we?
Okay, watch this.
Is this how it's gonna be?
'Cause your note says,
"Hi, we need to talk."
Yeah, I wrote that.
Right after I tied myself to the chair
and covered my mouth with duct tape.
- So you don't want to talk.
- To you?
I'll pass.
I can't see her face.
Do you have any other angles?
Of course I have angles. Check it out.
I installed 27 cameras that cover
every inch of the apartment.
- Were these up last night?
- Yeah.
I helped tie the knots.
The one on his feet
is called an Anchor Hitch.
I could get out of those ropes.
You can't get out
of your barbecue apron.
This is ridiculous,
not to mention juvenile.
We can't just sit here
and not say anything.
All right, fine. I'll start.
I think you're being a jackass.
I think those pants make you look fat,
but in a sexy...
- I don't get it.
- I told you this was a stupid idea.
We should have done the flowers.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
She's going to say something.
Tripp, I apologize.
My job was manipulative and deceitful.
But the second that I found out
about Amy, I was gonna end it.
But I never got the chance,
because you found out first.
Sorry. Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry.
Apology accepted.
Thank you.
Come on.
You don't want to say anything?
- You know, I do have a question.
- Absolutely. Anything.
How many others were there?
Before me.
I'm just asking, 'cause, you know,
maybe we could all get together.
You know, form a support group.
And if there already is a group,
I'm curious,
is it a small group,
like a basketball team?
Or is it a big group,
like the Chinese?
Wow. Somebody's a little cranky today.
Tripp, your mother was still making you
pancakes for breakfast.
And it's not as if
I waltzed into your life unbidden.
Your parents called me.
Your life was in
an extended stall pattern.
I wish I could talk to guys like that.
Well, it's easier when the guy is tied up.
No, I've talked to guys tied up before.
You want to talk about my life?
What about your life?
Hey, but maybe I shouldn't judge.
I'm sure there's some reason
that you turned out to be a soul-sucking,
Labrador-retriever-killing harpy.
I don't get it.
How does the dog fit into it?
- Good question.
- Can you turn it up?
Well, they're laptop speakers, so...
I was doing fine before you showed up.
All right? I was having fun.
Oh, and I just ruined everything!
So is that why you tried
to break up with me?
Or actually, you didn't.
You just trotted out your parents
so that I would have
to break up with you.
- Oh, snap!
- That got his attention!
That's right, you call her on her shit,
she's gonna call you on yours!
What are you going to do, baby?
Are you gonna cry?
Why would you do that?
you gave me "the look."
- Not "the look."
- Why are you bringing up "the look"?
What's "the look"?
The look that says, "Hey, I like you."
Oh, wow.
That must've been horrible for you.
Do I do "the look"?
Well, yeah.
Well, no.
I never meant to hurt you.
I believe that.
But what do I know about you?
I mean, the entire amount of time
we spent together was just a big scam.
I found a woman I cared about,
and she turned out to be a total fraud.
Do you have real feelings?
Of course I have real feelings.
- For what?
- For you!
And believe me, I did not want that,
because I had a good life before you.
Well, not good, but it was okay.
Well, it was empty, actually,
but at least I was blissfully unaware
of how miserable I was!
Whereas now, because of you,
I am acutely aware
of how completely
and totally unhappy I am!
Thank you for that.
I don't usually like reality TV shows,
but this is so emotional.
Are you crying?
Come on, Tripp.
He's moving.
He's rolling. Here we go.
He's making a move! All right!
He's moving his feet! He's rolling!
- Go! Go!
- Go!
Oh, my God! He could
- go all the way!
- Go all the way!
Don't do all the work, Son!
Make her meet you half way!
So what do we do now?
Actually, it's quite simple.
You just have to decide.
Do you want to spend
the rest of your life having fun?
Or do you want to spend it with me?
Shut up.
Not everything you say is perfect.
We can have a little bit of fun, can't we?
Right on, man!
All right!
Show's over. You don't need to see that.
Come on, let's you and I
go outside, huh?
Play some football.
I'll show you how to throw it deep.
After, I'll show you
how to ice your shoulder down.
Give you a hand?
You just take it easy.
I got everything under control.
Hey, what's the champagne about?
It's Thursday.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
All right, Captain,
where are we heading?
There's a lighthouse!
Can we go over there?
Sure. You're driving.
Tripp! Jibe ho! God, I said it late!
I'm sorry!
- Tripp!
- What happened to "jibe ho"?
I'm so sorry. Are you okay?
Yeah. Just got the wind
knocked out of me.
Maybe a collapsed lung,
a bruised sternum.
Other than that, I'll survive.
I'm going to get you
a flotation device, okay?
Stay right there.
That's a good idea.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit!
No biting! No biting. No bite, no bite.
No, no, no, no...
Good boy.
Come here, you.
Yeah. Yeah.
That's it. Okay.
Here! I...
Oh, my God!
That's amazing.
What do you say, big man, huh?
Hey, still need this?
No, I'm good.
I'm real good.
Honey, it's an Eastern Wood-Pewee.
Eastern Wood-Pewee?
You couldn't be more wrong
if you called it a Canadian goose.
I'll give you a Canadian goose.
He's so tame.
Yeah. See, once we accept the fact
that we're not separate from nature,
she welcomes us. And it's not with fear.
Right? Who do you love?
Hit the road, Tripp
- And don't you come back
- And don't you come back
- ... no more, no more, no more, no more
- ... no more, no more, no more, no more
- Hit the road, Tripp
- Hit the road, Tripp
- And don't you come back no more
- And don't you come back no more
What'd I say?