Fakkah Fuzz: Almost Banned (2018) Movie Script

[theme music]
[crowd cheering]
[emcee] Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Fakkah Fuzz: Almost Banned.
Now, please welcome to stage,
Fakkah Fuzz!
[upbeat music playing]
[audience cheering]
What is up?
[Fuzz] Whoo!
Wow, wow, wow, wow.
How many non-Malays in the house?
Make some noise.
[audience cheering]
How many Malays in the house?
Make some noise.
[loud cheer]
All right, all right, all right,
we gotta be nice.
Because this is an international filming,
so there's white people over here.
They gotta know who we are, all right?
So, hello. Hi.
Sir, you're obviously not from Singapore.
My name is Fuzz.
I am a Malay from Singapore.
If you are wondering what this is,
this is what a Singaporean
was supposed to look like. Okay?
[audience laughing]
Oh, man.
It's hard, isn't it, man?
We tried to travel the world
and try to tell people that we are Malay,
but we cannot do that, because why?
Every country you go to,
there is a race
that looks like you, right?
Right, you cannot be exotic
if you are a Malay. You know, huh?
If you go to the Philippines,
you're Filipino, right?
If you go to Thailand, you're Thai, right?
If you go to the U.S., you are deported.
Do you know what I'm saying?
[all laughing]
Any Malaysians in the house?
-[man #1] Yeah!
-[Fuzz] Yeah!
[in Malay] Oh, you guys are up there!
What am I going on about?
Malaysia, man. You know... Malaysia is a great place, okay?
But there are some things in Malaysia
that they are good at,
that we are not good at.
We have to admit that, all right?
And this... Whenever I come to Singapore,
no, whenever they come to Singapore,
right, and I go to Malaysia,
I can see the differences.
For example,
We are not very good in crime, okay?
Give that to the Malaysians, right?
[Fuzz chuckles]
They're good, they're good.
They're very good at it.
I give you the same crime...
[audience chuckling]
First of all, I didn't know
how dangerous Malaysia was.
I didn't know, okay? I didn't know.
My friends told me, they said, "Fuzz,
don't walk down the streets
of Bukit Bintang at night,
it is dangerous."
I said, "Bro, I am Malay.
Bro, if I ever get robbed,
I can get my money back.
It's probably my cousin. No problem."
I got robbed at knifepoint, you know, huh.
And they all say, "Don't walk down here,
it's quite dangerous.
Don't walk down here,
it's quite dangerous," right?
And I got robbed at knifepoint.
And it's not the fact that I got robbed
that was weird,
it's after the guy robbed me.
He said, "You better be careful over here,
quite dangerous." I'm like...
[audience laughing]
Crime can't work in Malaysia, man.
It cannot.
It cannot work in Malaysia
the same way it works in Singapore.
It can't. I give you the same crime.
Both in Singapore,
and Malaysia, and I'll tell you
why it doesn't work, right.
What is the crime that's very common?
Snatch theft by motorcycle, okay?
Snatch theft by motorcycle.
This is if it's in Malaysia.
There is a pillion, there's a rider,
and there's an unsuspecting woman.
[in Malay]
"Okay, bro. Are you ready, bro?"
I just assumed he's Malay. I assumed.
[audience laughing]
Based on general headlines, okay?
[in Malay]
"Okay, bro. Are you ready, bro?"
"Okay, bro, get the bitch's purse, bro.
Get the bitch's purse."
"Go, go, go!"
[imitates whooshing]
You will never see
that person ever again, right?
In Singapore, it's a bit different.
Pillion, rider, girl.
"Okay, bro, get the bitch's purse, bro.
Get the bitch's purse."
"Go, go, go! Hey, why did you stop?"
"Traffic light, bro."
[audience laughing]
But, ladies and gentlemen,
it is a good time
to be a Malay in Singapore,
I must say,
because our president is Malay!
[audience cheering]
[Fuzz chuckling]
Because it's great, right?
And, at first, when we heard
that the presidential candidate
was reserved for a Malay,
this is how the Malay community
responded in Singapore.
"Look, we don't need your handouts, okay?
We don't function
on race-based politics like..."
"Right, we are a meritocracy.
If we want to make it to presidency,
it must be on merit.
Not because we are of a certain race.
So we don't care if it's Malay, Chinese,
Indian, others.
As long as the person deserves the job,
the person should get the job."
Correct or not? Right?
Right. And then they say,
"You're not gonna take it?"
"No, no, yes, we are.
But we're very upset."
Because, ladies and gentlemen,
it's a very good time to be Malay,
right now that Halimah is president.
Oh, my god, every good thing
that happens in Singapore,
we blame it on Halimah, you know, huh?
"The weather is good today."
"Halimah, bro."
"Wow, there's sambal belacan today."
"Halimah, bro."
"You're 20 minutes late for work today."
"I don't care. Halimah, bro."
Like I said, ladies and gentlemen,
being Malay in Singapore is great.
You know, but racism starts
very early, right?
When they ask you
about your ambitions in school,
when they ask an Indian guy, they go,
"Rajah, what do you want to be in school?"
Rajah, the kid says,
"I want to be a lawyer." You know?
Ask, "Mei-ling, what do you want to be
when you grow up?"
You know, Mei-ling says,
"Oh, I want to be an accountant."
Ask the Malay person,
"What you want to be
before you go to jail?"
I'm like, "Hey, come on."
But Chinese people,
I know you guys are here,
but you guys are racists sometimes,
and you don't even know it.
You don't even know it.
Yeah, you don't even know it.
Like, my friend came up to me
and went, "Fuzz, Fuzz.
I am very jealous...
of all y'all Malay couple, you know.
Because me and my wife
are married for five years."
He goes, "Me and my wife,
married for five years, cannot get baby."
A Malay couple who are married for a year,
baby is already nine years old."
I'm like, "Come on, man."
[audience chuckling]
But our president is Malay,
ladies and gentlemen.
Our president is Malay,
and it's a Malay auntie.
[audience laughing]
[Fuzz] So, you know...
global discussions are gonna be
very, very easy. Okay?
We are going to win
all of the discussions.
Right? Because nobody guilt-trips you
more than a Malay auntie, okay?
[loud laughter]
You can be sitting down in the conference.
Everybody looking at the Malay auntie
going, "Singapore, we do not agree
with your ways.
This is not right, Singapore.
You are wrong."
And the Malay auntie can go,
[in Malay]
"Sure, I'm not as smart as you all are.
[loud laughter]
[in Malay]
Who am I anyway?
I am not educated like all of you."
Saying that it's not right for a Malay.
Saying that it's not right
because we didn't vote them in.
Huh? What is the president's job
in Singapore?
Shows up at National Day for 20 minutes,
and sits down at the house
for the rest of the year.
That is a perfect job for a Malay. Okay?
Any Malay would love to do that!
Oh, my god.
And you know she will be with her friends
on the phone all the time, right?
Now, Singapore, we're gonna have
all the intel from all over the world. Because an auntie is president, okay?
[in Malay] "Do you want to know
what China said yesterday?
[audience laughing]
[in Malay] Yes. I'm not trying to say
bad things about them.
[in Malay]
But their child is such a bitch.
[in Malay]
I'm not trying to bitch about them."
How is it? I don't understand this!
I don't understand.
Just wait till the show comes out.
[Fuzz chuckles]
I don't understand how the aunties can go,
"I am not talking bad about you,
but I will proceed
to talk bad about you, right?"
Oh, man.
Oh, I love it.
Imagine... Imagine cleaning up Singapore
when a Malay auntie is president.
That is gonna be so bad, right?
Cleaning up Singapore
is going to be such a hassle.
Because the Malay auntie, man...
Have your mom ever cleaned up your...
You know she's not gonna shut up
when she cleans your house, right?
When a Malay auntie Halimah
cleans the streets,
[in Malay]
"If I don't do it, no one else will.
[in Malay]
I'm your maid, aren't I?"
Oh, man.
You think Halimah
has that Malay mother's sneeze, man?
You know how... I mean, I don't think
it exists only in Malay mothers.
I think it exists
in all mothers, you know.
You know mothers
have two sneeze voices, right?
Two sneeze voices. You know
what I'm talking about, right, huh?
Mothers, when they are outside,
in a social setting like this,
all these aunties, aunties,
whenever they sneeze, they go...
[imitates soft sneeze]
[imitates soft sneeze]
But at home, it's like...
[imitates loud sneeze]
[audience laughing]
[in Malay] And you go,
"Gosh, I thought somebody died!"
[Fuzz] Oh.
It's weird, it's weird, it's weird.
But it's nice to be here,
ladies and gentlemen.
I must say, okay,
being a Malay brother,
I see a lot of Chinese people,
I don't mean to rip on you all, okay?
[in Mandarin]
Don't worry. Don't be surprised.
[in Mandarin] Don't feel weird
looking at a Malay performing.
[in Mandarin]
I'm not here to steal your stuff.
[in Mandarin] I'm just here
to entertain you with my jokes, okay?
Don't be surprised I know Mandarin.
You know what they say,
you have to know your enemy. [audience laughing]
I'm kidding.
I love Chinese people.
I had a friend in school,
his name is Wei-xiong, okay?
And I am one of the Malay boys
who is very, very thankful
of my Chinese friend Wei-xiong.
Because if it wasn't for Wei-xiong,
I would not have made it
to primary school.
Because I would copy his homework,
every day of the week, okay?
And Wei-xiong is very good. "Copy, copy.
Can, can, can. Copy, copy. Can, right?"
Right, I would copy his homework
every day, right.
And I would always get detention
because I used to copy his homework
all the time.
But Wei-xiong never got detention.
Until one day, Wei-xiong got detention.
He sat next to me.
I looked at Wei-xiong,
Wei-xiong looked at me.
I asked him, "Wei-xiong,
why are you in detention?
He says, "I said lan jiao in class."
For those of you who don't know
what lan jiao is,
lan jiao means "penis" in Hokkien, okay?
"I said lan jiao in class."
I turned to him, I said,
"Wow, that's some gangster shit, man."
Right? Just then, the teacher walks in,
"Wei-xiong, I am very disappointed
in you, okay?
I have already called your father,
and your father is on the way right now.
Wei-xiong, you wait, you wait,
you wait!" Right?
And then, just then, the father comes in.
The father says, "Why?
Why is my son being punished? Why? Why?
The teacher says,
"Your son said lan jiao in class."
The father said to his son,
[in Chinese]
"Fuck your mother, you cunt!"
[audience laughing]
It starts from home.
Oh, man.
A lot of weird shit is happening
in Singapore, ladies and gentlemen.
A lot of weird shit is happening
in Singapore, right?
For example, not too long ago,
China just said, "We don't wanna
be friends with you, Singapore.
We don't wanna be friends
with Singapore anymore."
You know, they had a whole conference
in China,
and they did not invite Singapore.
That's some 14-year-old
passive-aggressive shit.
"I've got a party, I'm not inviting you."
Passive-aggressive shit, right?
And it was big news in Singapore.
They said, "What?
China is not our friend anymore?
Oh, no! They had a whole conference
and they did not invite us."
And it was big news. Do you know why?
Because for the first time ever
in Singapore,
the majority of Singapore
knows what it feels like
to be discriminated
by Chinese people, okay?
[Fuzz laughing]
They were like,
"Oh, that's how it feels like."
Then they had that whole competition
called The Voice.
You remember that? Huh?
Online, there was a whole
singing competition called The Voice.
They said, "The Voice, huh?
It's in Mandarin.
Why is it in Mandarin? Huh?"
And everybody was like,
"It's a Mandarin show.
Of course, it's sung in Mandarin."
Which is okay.
What I like... I didn't mind that.
What I didn't like was the fact
that my Chinese friends came up to me,
"Instead of you being mad
that it is a Mandarin singing show,
you all should learn Mandarin,
so that you guys can sing Mandarin songs."
I said, "Okay, can.
Then, you learn how to sing
'Majulah Singapura' properly."
[audience cheering]
I have never met a Chinese person
that can sing the Singapore
national anthem properly, okay?
I have never met...
[in Malay]
Come, fellow Singaporeans
[in Malay]
Let us progress together
[in Malay]
Come, let us unite
[in Malay]
With a new spirit
Do you wanna know
what mayat means in Malay, brother?
Mayat means "dead body," you know, huh.
So, "Let us unite
with a brand-new dead body."
What the hell is that?
[Fuzz] Crazy.
What I like about this crowd,
when I'm looking at this crowd,
is there's a lot of diversities
in this crowd, right?
There is a black man over there.
I see you, black man.
Holla at you for a minute, you know.
I like it, right.
I mean, I try to talk black all the time
because I watch a lot of Def Jam,
but I can't.
I can't. You guys are too cool.
I can't translate that to Malay.
That's all I'm saying, you know. Right?
Right, you guys can say, "Yo.
Yo, what's up, dawg?
Yeah, that's my dawg right there.
Yo, hey, my dawg's in the house."
I can't go,
[in Malay]
"What is that on top? A dog?
[audience laughing]
[in Malay]
My dog is there. My dog is in my house!"
[audience chuckling]
I can't.
Being a black man is great, though, right?
A lot of stereotypes about the black man
that I'm jealous about.
They say black men have big penises.
I don't know if it's true,
so I did my research.
Not in the way
that you thought I did, okay?
I did my research.
I asked a friend of mine
who married a black man,
if it's true that black men
have big penises.
But she can't answer me
because she can't talk anymore. Uh...
My whole life, I thought I was black.
My whole life, right?
Walk and talk like a black man.
You know, I had that swagger
like a black man, right?
Until I arrived in New York City.
And I went to Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn.
The Hood.
And that's when I realized
that I was not black.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this six-foot black man,
with a nine-millimeter poking out,
looking at me like this,
going, "Where are you from, cub?
Where are you from, cub?"
[in Malay]
"I don't know. I'm Malay."
[audience laughing]
Geylang Serai,
that's where I'm from, you know.
[audience cheering]
Because Malays,
we actually don't like to fight.
You know, we don't like to fight.
We say we like to fight,
but we are a very peaceful race, actually.
We don't like to fight.
Look at our martial art.
Our martial art is specifically designed
to take the longest time possible
before the fight happens, you know?
Have you seen two people
do silat that are going to fight?
"I'm going to fuck you up!"
[humming upbeat folk song]
[humming continues]
Ten minutes later,
both sides have calmed down.
Fight doesn't happen.
You know what I'm saying, right?
[Fuzz chuckling]
It's true, man.
That's why you guys took over.
That's why white people
took over Singapore easily, you know.
Malays just went, "Take, take, take.
It's okay.
Take, take, take." You know what?
We probably fought.
We probably fought for our land.
Malays probably did fight
for our land, right?
And I'm not doubting that we did.
that we have mothers who will ensure
that we eat first before anything, okay?
And any of you who thinks Malays are lazy,
you just have never tried our food, okay?
If you've tried our food, you will know
that once you eat Malay food,
you don't want to do anything after that.
Yeah, it's true.
You're gonna go, "Yeah, we're gonna
fight for Singapore! Fight, let's go!"
[in Malay]
"Come and have some sambal belacan."
[in Malay]
"Have some, Mom. I'm stuffed. I'm tired."
All types of people are here, I love it.
All types of people.
Malaysians, Singaporeans,
Indonesians, are you guys here?
[man cheers]
[laughs] One person, huh?
One person only, huh?
Only one person. Oh, there's one more.
Two, two people, yeah!
[in Malay]
"We're from Indonesia.
[in Malay]
It's okay."
It's true, man.
Malaysians, you know, to this day,
Malaysia and Singapore all have
this kind of tension, right?
But I feel that...
it's been like, what, 52 years,
ever since Singapore separated
from Malaysia?
And Malaysia still talks
about separation till this day.
They still talk about separation.
"Eh, we separated from you, eh..."
Singaporeans, we seldom
talk about it anymore.
But, you know, Malaysians,
they still talk about it,
"Eh, we separated..."
You know what,
I feel like some Malaysians,
not all, but some Malaysians...
are like the boyfriend that never got over
the breakup. You know?
I swear, right?
Like, you sat us down
and you broke up with us.
You know, right.
You sat us down, and you went,
"Look, it's not working out
between us, okay?
It's not me, it's you, all right?
It's not you. You want to be independent?
Up to you.
Okay? You want
to be independent? Up to you."
And we cried.
In front of everybody, we cried.
Like, "Don't leave me, please.
Don't leave me."
"No, no, you go, you go. No, no, you go."
"Please, don't leave me! Please!"
"No, no, you go, you go." And then...
you know, we got our own jobs.
[soft scoff]
We had our own buildings,
because we're independent women. Right?
[audience laughing]
And now, Malaysia's looking at us, going,
[in Malay]
"Oh, no.
Suddenly, she's so hot."
Know what I mean?
Suddenly, all over...
You know what, after you break up
with a girl, and you look at the girl,
"Oh, my god, she's so hot." Right?
And now, they're just bringing up
old shit, you know.
Like, "We gave you water."
That was 20 years ago! Hey!
We fought over a lighthouse, guys.
We fought over
a fucking lighthouse, you know. Huh?
That is like some petty
boyfriend-girlfriend shit.
You know, like, the boyfriend
will just burst into the house,
"This is my pencil, okay?"
[Fuzz chuckling]
Yes, yes, yes.
It's very diverse here, I like it.
But there's a lot of women here.
Hm. Beautiful, beautiful women here.
Yes. I love talking to women, man.
I love talking about...
I can't talk to women a lot because...
I get very nervous.
I get very nervous. Yes.
I get very nervous, and I try to say
the funniest things,
and it doesn't work, you know.
I tried to go to a place
to talk to women, right.
I went to Orchard Towers
to try to talk to women.
[audience laughing]
And it didn't work.
Because I went to Orchard Towers, right,
and this hooker came up to me and said,
"Hey there, big boy.
You look like you have a big dick."
I said, "Oh, thank you. So do you." And...
[Fuzz chuckling]
Wow, let's just calm down for a moment,
and just bask in the fact
that I regret wearing
a thick-ass jacket on stage now.
Oh, my god, it is so hot.
Yeah, I'm sweating, you know.
Can you see that?
I'm sweating. Do you know why, bro?
Because when you're bald,
you cannot absorb the heat...
You cannot absorb the sweat,
you got no hair.
So all the fucking sweat
goes down here, you know.
And all you can do here is
just to ignore it.
"Please don't go down to my eye.
I've got to look like I'm okay.
I have to look like I'm okay,
but I'm actually sweating."
Oh, man.
Are you guys okay
if I take this off? Yeah?
Yeah? Okay.
[audience cheering]
By the way...
[in Malay]
[man #2] It smells!
[in Malay] What?
[audience chuckling]
[in Malay]
You guys are unbelievable.
[audience laughing]
You like bald men? Is that your thing?
[Fuzz] Is that your thing, right?
[Fuzz chuckling]
You like it?
You know the size is, you know.
[audience laughing]
"Proportionate." That's the word
I was trying to think about right now!
[audience laughing]
[in Malay] I have been trying to recall.
"What is it called? Perpendicular?
Perpendicular? No!
Proportionate, Fuzz!
[in Malay]
Oh, my goodness!
Oh, man.
Every race, creed, and color,
we got to accept them, man.
We got to accept them, you know.
Yes. I went to Sydney, okay.
And I performed in a room like this,
full of white people.
And I got so nervous,
because, never before in my life,
have I seen so many white people, sir.
Okay, I have never performed
to so many white people before in my life.
I have never been
to a white person's house even
when he's home.
You know...
[audience laughing]
It's true, man.
And I love it. I love white people. One of the things I love about you guys,
is that you guys can wear anything
in Singapore.
You can wear anything in Singapore
and not be judged.
You can wear anything
and just walk into Zara,
or Topman.
And you guys will get treated
the same, right?
You guys can wear like a SpongeBob outfit,
you know, with pants on
and sandals, right?
You guys can walk in
and the store owner will be like,
"I think it's their culture.
It's their culture."
"Boss, the white man touched my breast."
"Never mind, it's their culture.
[audience laughing]
It is their culture." Right?
I, as a Malay brother, can walk into Zara,
with a full suit, a silk tie,
cuff links and leather shoes.
A person will look at me and go,
"The interview is tomorrow, okay?"
[audience laughing]
But my favorite type of white person,
let me tell you who
my favorite type, right, is,
white American girls
who come to Singapore,
and experience Singapore
for the first time.
The moment they land in Singapore, okay,
they touchdown, they look at Singapore,
they go,
[in girlie tone]
"Oh, my god, so much culture!
Oh, my god, Stacy,
there's just so much culture here!
Oh, my god, I met a friend of mine,
his name is Mohammad,
and for his birthday, he's a Muslim,
so I bought him a Buddha.
Oh, my god!
What a cultural experience!"
Do you realize that American girls
only try cultural stuff
when it's the cool shit?
You know, when it's like Holi,
they're throwing colors at each other.
"This is a cultural experience!"
[audience laughing]
Or when it's yoga. "I'm a tree, namaste.
I'm a tree, motherfuckers!"
I wanna see white girls
try the hardcore stuff, man.
I wanna see you all try Ramadan
for 30 days,
and tell me if you like
a cultural experience or not.
[audience clapping]
"Stacy, I'm so hungry, what's going on?"
"I don't know, bitch,
you gotta not eat for 30 days.
You're bulimic!"
Oh, my god, I want white girls
to try Thaipusam.
[loud laughter]
"We stuck needles through our nipples
and walked for five kilometers.
[audience laughing]
This is a cultural experience!"
[Fuzz laughing]
But they say,
you experience racism, right?
If you do experience racism,
you got to make it work for you.
And this is how
I made it work for me, okay?
A friend of mine was about
to drive me to a show.
His name is Jonathan Atherton. Right, he's an Australian.
He's an Australian.
And he makes fun of Malays all the time.
Any Australians in the house?
[soft cheer]
Nice. Australians. Oh, yeah, Ozzie.
[audience laughing]
Oz, oi, oi, oi, ozzie, ozzie, ozzie.
Oi, oi, oi. Hey!
See, I don't get angry
when Ozzies make fun of Malays,
because they are kind of like the Malays
of the white world, guys. You know.
[audience laughing]
[audience clapping]
[Fuzz chuckles]
Everybody knows that Malays plus
alcohol equals Australian.
Everybody knows that.
[audience laughing]
I swear to god.
So this guy comes out
with his French girlfriend and drives up.
Okay, and he picks me up.
Because, you know,
we were on our way to a show
at the Dutch Club.
Right. He picks me up.
Jonathan picked me up.
With his French girlfriend in the front,
and I'm in the back, right.
We're on our way to a show.
Okay, and as we were sitting in,
a Malay family pulls up
right next to us in a Subaru.
And he looks at Jon.
And Jon looks at him.
And both of them smile and nod.
And Jon turns back to me
and goes, "You see that, mate?
We immediately connected,
because my car is more Malay than his car.
I said, "Jon, that's not why
you connected." He said, "Why?"
"Because he saw me in the backseat
and thinks that I have a white driver."
[loud laughter] [Fuzz chuckling]
You got to make it work for you, brother!
You got to make it work for you, man.
This just came into my head. Uh...
You know, a lot of Malaysians, um...
You know, we... Malaysians
and Singaporeans, you know,
we try to be friends
most of the time, right?
But they always say that Singapore
is a strict place, right?
We are a very strict place.
We are a place full of rules.
But they've got some crazy-ass rules
in Malaysia, dude.
Some crazy rules.
Do you know that in Malaysia,
you cannot eat during Ramadan
if you're a Muslim,
otherwise, you will get arrested, right?
You get arrested and jailed in Malaysia.
You know, in Singapore,
we don't have that.
We just pretend to be Filipinos.
Do you know what I'm saying, yeah?
[audience laughing]
Every Ramadan, one of you all
pretend to be...
You, you look like the kind of guy
that pretends.
All right, you over there,
you're going to...
"Okay, I'm going to try this, okay. Mm.
Good morning, auntie,
I would like the sambal belacan, please.
Good morning, auntie,
thank you very much, auntie."
[in Malay]
The auntie is not feeling it.
[in Malay] "Would you like to have a lot
or a little rice?"
[audience laughing]
But, yeah, man.
They get jailed in Malaysia,
if you eat during Ramadan.
Which is all fine.
I don't wanna get involved
in whatever your country wants to do.
However, right,
it must be very bad for the guy's
street cred in jail, all right?
Because the guy's street cred in jail
is gonna be shit, you know?
It's gonna be,
[in Malay]
"What's up with you, bro? Oh, me?
Oh, I stabbed an old lady, bro."
"Oh, my god!"
[in Malay]
"What's up with you, bro?"
"Oh, me? Oh, bro, I robbed a house, bro."
"What about you, bro?"
[in Malay]
"What's up with you, bro?"
"I had sirap bandung, bro."
[loud laughter]
It's not...
And Chinese people, you know,
wherever you guys talking about...
Whenever you put the blame on Malay kids,
this is something you guys always say
that will always be ingrained in my brain.
You never do your homework."
If you did your homework, they go,
Teacher said don't do first."
[audience clapping]
I think we need to have that guy
in every political situation, you know.
Right? They go, "You and your brother
and your sister fight over the house
because your father left you the house."
[loud laughter]
[audience applauding]
Are we gonna talk about it?
Let's fucking talk about it.
[audience laughing]
Right, so we're talking about
38 Oxley Road, right?
This has been all over the news,
ladies and gentlemen.
All over the news, okay.
Brother, sister of the first family,
fighting over a house, right?
The house costs 24 million dollars.
Twenty-four million dollars.
In the Singaporean mind, two things.
First of all, we were like, "Oh, they
are a normal family after all, you know.
They fight, just like my family,
we fight also.
His family, her family, they all fight,
so they are a normal family after all.
Even though they are high on top,
they are normal after all.
Brother, sister always fight." Second thought, "Which one is the sister?"
You're lying to me. You say
you didn't think that, huh?
You did? You did?
[audience laughing]
[Fuzz laughing]
Oh, man!
Twenty-four million dollars, you know.
Twenty-four million dollars.
There's so many things that you can do
with 24 million dollars.
You can upgrade HDB houses.
You can give it to the poor.
You can give MediaCorp actors
acting lessons.
There is so much...
[audience laughing]
that you can do.
You're all pointing to me now.
[in Malay] "You're also from MediaCorp.
Shut the fuck up.
[in Malay] You talk too much.
I'm not trying to talk bad about them.
[in Malay] He's nothing less.
He's such a foul-mouthed guy."
I am...
in MediaCorp.
But if I were to defend people
in MediaCorp,
it's not that we cannot act, okay?
It's that the directors don't give us
very good acting direction, you know.
They don't!
They say, "Fuzz, you have to be sad."
And I go, "Okay, I am sad. I am sad."
"No, Fuzz, not like that. Sad.
Okay, just like this...
[soft whimper]
[audience laughing]
You try again! You try again!"
"Okay, okay, okay."
"Fuzz, Fuzz, I tell you already,
you're acting must be subtle.
You're sad, it's just..."
[soft whimper]
[audience laughing]
[Fuzz chuckles]
What I hate, right...
One time, when I just got into hosting...
I tried my best
to have a neutral accent. Okay?
I tried my best to have a neutral accent.
Sometimes, I sound Malay
when I want to sound Malay. Yeah, okay.
But, sometimes, I move to white,
and sometimes, I wanna sound black,
then I sound black. Whatever, right?
But if I want to be neutral,
I try my best to sound neutral.
So, I was in this show
called 50 Ways to Be a Singaporean.
Anybody watched it?
[man cheers]
What? Really?
[audience laughing]
I wasn't expecting a response.
I was about to move on, you know.
God. Oh, man! How boring is your life?
You know that there's porn, right?
You know, you can just watch that.
You just jerk off to it.
Just jerk off to it, right?
Malays use the left hand
'cause right hand is for eating.
Cannot mix.
[audience laughing]
[Fuzz chuckles]
I'm saying this with my mom in
the audience, ladies and gentlemen, huh?
[audience laughing]
Malay moms, they don't listen.
[in Malay]
"No. I have a good son.
[audience laughing]
[in Malay] No. He's a good boy.
He was influenced by his bad friends.
All his friends taught him. Not me, okay.
All his friends..."
Yeah, so I try to sound
as neutral as possible
when I'm on air, right?
So, the camera at me.
"Say Fuzz, the link is,
'Hello, welcome to 50 Ways to Be
a Singaporean.' Can?
Can or not, bro? Can."
I said, "I'll try, I'll try.
Hello, welcome to
50 Ways to Be a Singaporean."
"Fuzz, stop! Fuzz, cut, cut! Fuzz!
Can you sound less Malay or not?"
"Less Malay," they said.
I was like, "What does that mean?
Okay, I'll try again. I'll try."
[clears throat]
"Hello, welcome to
50 Ways to Be a Singaporean."
"Fuzz, Fuzz, Fuzz! Less Malay!"
Did you know this is the sign
for "less Malay," you know?
This is the sign for "less Malay."
This used to be the sign that said,
"That Chinese fellow
has a small dick," but now...
[audience laughing]
it's is the sign for "less Malay," right?
I tried again.
I went, "Hello, welcome
to 50 Ways to Be a Singaporean."
"No, no, no, Fuzz, less Malay!"
In the end,
I was so sick of it, I said, "Okay.
[in Malay accent] "Hello, welcome
to 50 Ways to Be a Singaporean!"
They looked at me and went,
"Wow, Fuzz, your English improved."
I'm like...
[audience laughing]
Madness, madness.
[clicks tongue]
I think we have to accept the fact
that we have to shut the fuck up
when it comes to world issues, okay?
Because we are not tough,
we don't have anything guys, come on.
We don't have anything that we can do
to make the world feel threatened.
Okay? We don't have.
We just have to shut up and listen.
Shut up and listen.
We are small,
we have to shut up and listen.
You have to understand this.
Our army is basically just to protect us
for the time being.
That's it, all right?
Other armies around the world,
they have insane stories, you know.
They have... Oh, this U.S. Marine
died in a war in Afghanistan,
during a war on terrorism, right?
The Indian Army, this Indian soldier died
during a war in Kashmir, right?
Against, uh, a territorial dispute
against Pakistan.
In Singapore,
this Singaporean soldier died
during the fitness test,
do you know what I'm saying?
And the fitness test gets easier,
and easier, and easier every year,
and we still cannot pass, you know, huh?
At first, it was five stations,
do a couple of pull-ups,
do a couple of sit-ups,
run from here to here,
run around two-point-four,
and then, what else do you have to do?
I know, sit-ups there, and that's it.
Five stations, right?
And then, we all fail,
"I cannot, bro. Cannot.
I cannot. Cannot. Cannot."
"Okay, okay, okay.
I'll tell you what. Mm...
You do a bit of push-ups,
do a bit of push-ups,
uh, and then do a bit of sit-ups,
and then run for two-point-four. Can, huh?
Do a bit of sit-up, do a bit of push-up,
you run two-point-four."
"I cannot. Cannot, cannot."
Don't be surprised, ten years later,
they'll be like, "Okay, bro,
you lift your arms up.
[audience laughing]
You lift your arms up."
"Oh, bro, I cannot pass."
I'll be like, "Never mind,
You blink. You blink for me, you blink."
[audience laughing]
"Bro, this roll call, blink 20 times, bro.
Cannot, bro!" [chuckles]
But I love the Singapore Army, okay?
Because the Singapore Army
serves us very well.
Very, very well.
In fact, I performed
during SAF Day, right.
And after I performed,
they were so happy that I was there,
and they were like,
"Fuzz, thank you so much for performing during SAF Day.
Can you please grab the mic
and say something to our fellow soldiers?"
So I was like, "Okay."
[chuckles] So I grabbed the mic, I was like,
"Hey. Uh... Hello, everybody!
Happy SAF Day!
As a Malay, I just want to give
a shout-out to all my Malays in the Navy,
all my Malays in Commando,
all my Malays in Armor,
all my Malays in the Air Force,
and all my Malays in Intelligence.
All three of you are very useful to us.
Thank you very much!"
[audience applaud]
You know what?
They make us do weird exercises
in the army.
Weird, weird exercises, right?
Like the Buddha Clap.
You know what the Buddha Clap is?
[audience murmuring]
Do I really have to demonstrate?
[audience cheering]
"Buddha Clap, five counts of four,
exercise begin.
One, two, three, four,
two, two, three."
[audience laughing]
Yes, that is the Buddha Clap, okay?
One time, when I was in training
in the army,
and they were doing the Buddha Clap,
"Five counts of four, exercise begin."
Sergeant was walking around,
everybody was doing the Buddha Clap
except for one kid.
He did not clap, all he did was this...
[audience laughing]
Sergeant went to him, and sergeant said,
"Uh, hello?
What are you doing?
Why aren't you doing the Buddha Clap?" "Oh, I'm a level higher
than the rest, sir.
[audience laughing]
I reached nirvana already.
They still have a long way to go."
I go, "Hello, how are you doing?"
I saw Chinese people love to go,
"Hello! Hello, hello, hello."
Right? That's right. I don't know why
they greet each other like,
"Hello. Hello, hello, hello."
Everywhere I go,
Chinese people love to greet like that.
And no matter how close or how...
"Hello, hello, hello, Robert!
Robert, hello!
Hey, Benson! Hello, Benson!
[in Chinese] Hey, it's Andrew! Andrew!
Did you see Zi-xuan?"
It's not lean, you know, like Malays,
we greet ourselves with style, right?
We greet ourselves like that style.
We look at each other and we're like,
[in Malay] "How are you doing?
Bro, how are you doing?
[in Malay] How are you doing?"
You know, every time
you greet a Malay person,
[in Malay]
"How are you doing?"
And you ask him how his day went,
Malay people are never positive
with their response, you know? You know?
[in Malay] "Hey, bro. How's work?"
[in Malay] "It's okay, bro.
[audience laughing]
[in Malay] I have a lot of work.
And there's no salary increment."
No matter what they do,
even if they won a million dollars,
"Hey, bro, I heard you won a million."
[in Malay]
"It's only one million.
[audience laughing]
[in Malay] That's nothing,
2.6 million is even better."
It's true, man.
Not like how Indians greet each other,
man. Indians greet like,
[in Tamil]
"Hey, bro! Hey, bro!"
That is if they kind of love you.
If they really love you,
they will greet you with a curse word.
[in Tamil]
"Hey, pussy!
[audience laughing]
Hey, pussy. Fucker, come here.
I love you, pussy! Hey!
I can see the future
through your head, bro.
I can see the fucking future
through your head, bro."
I traveled the world, man.
I traveled the world as a Malay brother.
You know, I went to New York City. It was one of the best places, I feel.
And I feel like, as a Muslim,
it's very interesting
to see Muslims all around the world.
Because I am not a very strict Muslim.
Okay? Oh, you guys are shocked?
[audience laughing]
Surprised us,
[in Malay]
"Are you surprised? Really?"
You know, not very strict, right.
And, um...
Sometimes, you know,
when you meet strict Muslims, right,
there's a certain kind of communication
that, you know, breaks in between. Like, I live with two very strict
Muslim friends, you know.
And I sat down, one day,
in my living room,
watching a documentary on dogs.
Turned to my friend and said,
"Bro, wouldn't it be fucking badass, bro,
if we owned a Rottweiler?
You and me, bro. We own a Rottweiler."
He looks at me and he goes, "Bro!
We are Muslim, bro!
We cannot own dogs, bro.
That is haram, bro.
Get that through your head!
You know what? Go get me another beer
and we'll talk about it, you know?"
[audience laughing] Now, I don't buy beer, guys.
Please, I don't buy beer.
I'm a Muslim,
I accept it if you give it to me, okay?
[audience laughing]
[Fuzz] I accept,
because there's a lot of extreme Muslims
that are into Al-Qaeda and Al-Ma'unah.
I'm just the kind of extreme Muslim
that's into "Al-Cohol," okay? So very...
Oh, man. I like it
when you have to do this,
"Yeah, good!"
Oh, man. Muslims around the world, man,
they communicate differently, you know.
They communicate differently.
Like, I met a friend of mine, you know.
He's a black guy in New York City. Right.
First of all, New York City
is the birth of hip-hop.
That's what it was, and I love Def Jam.
I love hip-hop.
Right? So I try my best
to be hip-hop in New York City,
but don't try that ever, okay?
Because they take their hip-hop
very seriously, okay?
They take their hip-hop
very, very seriously.
Came out, you know.
I was like, "Yo, man. What's up?"
He looks at me,
and I look at him, and I go,
"Bro, man, you guys hip-hop out here, man?
What are your classic songs?"
And he goes,
"Man, we've got a lot of classic songs.
We've got P. Diddy, man,
'Bad Boy for Life,' you know?
We've got a lot, man. We've got N.W.A.
Fuck tha police coming straight
You know what I'm saying?
We've got a lot of stuff like that.
What about you, man?
Are you Malay from Singapore? Yeah.
What are your classic songs?"
[audience laughing]
[in Malay]
Appreciate your loved ones
[in Malay] Before it is
[in Malay] Too late
Yeah! That's our...
[audience laughing]
That's our...
Because, you know what?
Because all my life, all my life,
all I wanted to do, right,
in my life,
when I'm looking for jobs, right
I don't care what I do,
as long as I could explain my job
to a Malay auntie, I'm fine.
And we all know, the only jobs,
that is very simple to explain
to a Malay auntie, are either...
you know, police, civil defense, army, teacher, pest buster.
These five, you know, huh?
[loud laughter]
Other than that, you don't know
how to explain to her.
You know? I go, like,
"No, no, I'm a comedian."
[in Malay]
"Are you a clown?"
Because they think that comedians
are just up on the stage doing...
[imitates comical song]
So, all my life, all I wanted to be
was the hype man for Jay-Z, all right?
[crowd cheering]
What's wrong? You know, it's a good dream.
I can't be as famous as Jay-Z,
but I can be the hype man for Jay-Z
because I can't rap as well as Jay-Z.
If you guys don't know what a hype man is,
a hype man is basically when Jay-Z goes,
"Yeah, I know
Yo, man, you've got a lot of problems"
I go, "Yeah, yeah!"
You know, I just do that, all right?
[audience laughing]
Right, I just, "Yeah, yeah!"
I just yell over whatever he says,
all right? How do I explain that
to a Malay auntie, huh?
"No, auntie,
so there's this black guy, uh...
He raps about problems, so what I do is,
I just yell over him, you know.
[in Malay]
"I'll just shout it out."
[in Malay] "What the hell are you doing,
shouting and screaming like a mad person?"
So, I met this black friend,
and he was from New York City.
The black Muslim friend came up to me
and he said, "Yo, Fuzz!"
"Are you gonna be in New York for long?"
I said, "Yeah,
I'm gonna be in New York for a while."
"All right, man.
Do you want to do some comedy?"
I was like,
"All right, I'll do some comedy."
"All right, man. I'ma hook you up
with the Gotham Comedy Club.
Man, as a Muslim brother
to another Muslim brother,
you know, Shalala."
[audience laughing]
"Sorry, I didn't catch you the last time.
What did you say?"
"Nah, man. I'm trying to tell you, man,
I'ma hook you up
with the Gotham Comedy Club.
You and me, you know what I'm saying?
We gonna do it
for the whole week, Shalala."
"What are you talking about?"
"No, no! You're Muslim, I'm Muslim,
'If God Permits,' Shalala!"
"Oh, you mean, 'insha Allah'!"
[audience laughing]
"That's what I said, Shalala, bitch!"
"Okay, you don't put 'bitch' next to...
You don't...
Can you not do that?
Can you not put..."
You guys are laughing now,
but I see everybody here
is gonna use "Shalala,"
the next morning, you know.
You see your Malay friend,
looking at you in the office going,
"Oh, Wei Xin,
have you sent the papers already?"
"I don't know, Shalala."
[audience laughing]
"Man, are you gonna finish
your homework tonight?"
"I don't know, Shalala. Shalala"
It's a good thing, man.
Oh, dude.
Kids, nowadays, you know.
It's good that you guys didn't bring kids.
Kids nowadays, too much symptoms
with you, white kids, man.
White kids have too many symptoms, huh.
Too many symptoms.
ADHD, ADD, OCD, all these symptoms.
Malay kids don't have these symptoms,
you know, just the three S.
It's either stubborn, Satan, or sampuk.
These three, right!
[audience laughing]
It's either stubborn, Satanic,
or got possessed by the devil.
That's it. That's it!
Sometimes, it's just stupid.
We just go, "This one's stupid. Stupid.
[in Malay]
Not so smart."
And white kids have allergies, you know.
"Oh, some nut allergy, huh.
Some nut allergy, lactose intolerant.
It's nut allergy. It's nut..."
There's no Malay kid
with a lactose intolerance,
or nut allergies.
Because, you know what?
We shove everything to his mouth.
[in Malay] "Eat it.
Put in in your mouth. Finish it up!
[imitates child crying]
[in Malay] Don't cry. Don't cry!
Don't cry. Don't."
They slap you and tell you not to cry,
"Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry."
[imitates crying]
[muffled whimpering]
[in Malay]
It's true!
And if our child dies, because of nuts,
then that is God's will, okay?
[audience laughing]
That is God's will, okay?
You know, that's the Malay culture.
Everything is God's will.
It's okay, right?
That is very humble of us, right?
We leave everything to God.
It's very humbling, right?
Everything, we leave to God,
and it's okay. It's not within our power,
it's God's power, right?
That's why we always get caught
for crimes, sometimes,
because we're too complacent
with it, you know. Chinese people commit
the same amount of crime.
It's just that Malays are not very good
at hiding it, okay?
Because we leave it to God,
when we steal money,
[in Malay]
"If God wills, we won't get caught."
[audience laughing]
Malay people steal money,
and leave it to God.
Chinese people steal money
from the house of God.
Very different, huh?
[audience laughing]
[audience whistling]
[woman cheering]
[chuckling] Oh, man.
Oh, Christians, you are way too forgiving.
Way too forgiving.
The guy stole, what, 53 million?
You guys just go,
"Okay, never mind. It's okay.
Wish us Merry Christmas, it's okay.
Eat peanut butter
and wish us Merry Christmas.
It's okay, it's okay."
Malays, if you steal the piggy bank
in front of the mosque, you steal the slippers,
you're not going to get away, you know.
[in Malay]
"Where are my slippers? Damn it!
Fuck! It's Adidas!"
[audience laughing]
[Fuzz chuckling]
We will not stand for that shit, dude!
It is what it is, right?
Different customs.
We have different customs.
That's what it is, different customs.
Uh, Singapore has a lot of diversity.
We have different customs.
For example,
Chinese, you guys have
the Hungry Ghost Festival.
Malays, we have Ramadan. Right?
[audience laughing]
I can explain.
Right. Chinese,
during the Hungry Ghost Festival,
you believe that all the ghosts,
and all the demons,
and all the evil spirits, right,
are free to roam for an entire month.
Malays, we believe that during Ramadan,
all the ghosts, and the evil spirits
are locked in a safe place,
and it's a month of purity.
So, I guess, it's very awkward
when Hungry Ghost Festival and Ramadan
fall under the same month, you know?
I really don't know which one to believe,
you know what I'm saying?
All I know is that my Malay ghost can eat
after seven o'clock.
That's all I know.
After seven o'clock, my Malay ghosts
can eat. That's all I know.
Oh, man.
Sometimes, you know what I like?
I like to see my Chinese friends
who are Christians, burning the incense
during Hungry Ghost Festival.
So, during Hungry Ghost Festival,
they always burn offerings, right?
I like to see my Chinese friends
who are Christians, you know.
"Hey, Joshua,
why are you burning the offerings?
I thought you were Christian?"
"No, bro, just in case. Just in case.
This one? Oh, you don't know
what you know, huh?
You don't know what..." I say,
"Bro, you're burning this,
the smoke is gonna cause global warming."
"Bro, this smoke go to heaven straight.
What? You don't know?"
But I ran into a very awkward situation,
ladies and gentlemen.
Me, and my five-year-old niece, all right?
We were walking home.
First of all, right,
whenever we have kids and ghosts,
it's always something
that is very, very sensitive, okay?
Because you cannot...
The ghost might go into the kid.
Right, I don't believe that.
I don't believe in possessions, I don't.
You know why?
Because I've never seen
a cross-possession. I've never seen.
Malay kids always, very conveniently,
get possessed by Malay ghosts.
Very conveniently, right? It's always,
[in Malay]
"Siti, are you okay?" "Don't bother me!"
You know what I'm saying?
I wanna see one day when they go,
[in Malay] "Siti, are you okay?"
[in Chinese] "My name is Ling-ling."
[audience applauding]
[Fuzz laughing]
Oh, man!
All you gotta do is write
on one of those yellow papers
and pop!
So I ran into a very awkward situation,
me and my five-year-old niece, right?
We were walking home one day, okay.
And I saw an auntie praying.
Okay, and you know how aunties pray
during Hungry Ghost festival, right?
They've got the food,
they've got the candles,
they've got the offerings.
So, I knew what that was, so I walked on.
But my five-year-old niece has never seen
anything like that before.
So she runs to the auntie,
I'm trying to stop her.
She stands next to the auntie,
she looks at the auntie,
the auntie's on her knees
with food, candles, praying.
She looks at the woman,
and the auntie looks at her, and she goes,
Happy birthday to you
That's what it is with kids, man,
I'm talking about kids.
Kids don't have a story nowadays.
There's no story for them, you know?
It's all on InstaStory, right?
There's no real story that they tell.
I asked a 14-year-old kid, I said,
"Do you have a girlfriend?"
The 14-year-old kid said, "Yes."
"How did you meet your girlfriend?"
He said, "I messaged her on Instagram."
What kind of a story is that?
No story.
I mean, I was like...
Bro, you look like you're my age.
Do you remember how hard it was for us
to get a girl's number
back in our day, right?
We had to devise a plan, you know?
"Okay, you know her, know her,
and know her, right?
So, you're all a friend of a friend
of a friend, okay."
You had to write a letter,
"Will you be my friend?
Yes, no, or maybe."
And then you give it, right?
[audience laughing]
And if it's a Chinese girl, Mei-ling.
I did that before. Mei-ling, oh.
Mei-ling, like, "Oh, my god!" And then Mei-ling gave me her number,
and I thought to myself,
"We have to plan, you know.
We go home, and we plan, okay.
Six o'clock, she must have come home,
showered already, now doing her homework.
So I called her house,
I think the house can be okay.
Right, so I called her house,
and the mother picks up the phone,
and mothers are always very pissed off
when they picked up the phone.
I don't know why. "Hello!"
"Uh, hello, auntie.
Can I talk to Mei-ling?"
[in Chinese]
"Who are you?"
"Uh, it's Muhammad Fadzri. I'm a friend."
[in Chinese] Mei-ling!
Why is this Malay boy calling you?"
[loud laughter]
But I love all these social media, man.
I do.
You know what's my favorite? Facebook.
Yes, because Facebook allows you
to connect with old friends
that you haven't met in a long time, okay. I reconnected with one of my friends.
Um, in fact, she was my crush
when I was in primary five.
Yeah, she was my crush.
And then, you know,
she messaged me and said,
"Oh, my god! Are you Fuzz?"
And I go, "Oh, my god! Are you Sarah?"
I was like...
I was like, "Oh, my god!"
"We should meet! We should meet!"
"All right, okay, okay!
Let's meet! Let's meet! Let's meet!"
And it just went higher and higher...
[high-pitched gibber]
So, we met, and we sat down.
It was a long time since we met, you know.
Like, maybe, 10 or 12 years, right?
I'm not that young.
It's actually 20 years.
[audience laughing]
I sat down, looked at her, and I said,
"Before you say anything, Sarah,
I just want to let you know
that I have had a crush on you
since primary five, okay?
I have had a crush on you
since primary five."
She looks at me, and she goes,
"Oh, my god!
I have had a crush on you, too,
since primary five!"
I was like, "Oh, my god,
this is so crazy!"
I looked at her, and I said,
"Have you heard of love at first sight?"
She said, "Yes!"
She looks at me and she goes,
"Have you heard of Herbalife?"
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
The next person,
who messages me about Herbalife,
is gonna get a glimpse
of the afterlife, okay?
[audience laughing]
Coming up here with a shake challenge...
Oh, man.
Oh, it's true, dude.
All these things are true stories, man.
I swear to god, you know.
I was talking about, like,
women, you know.
These women contact me,
and then sometimes,
I try to talk to them,
I said this before, right?
I can't really talk to them.
It's very difficult for me
to talk to them.
Yes, it is true.
And, guys, if you have a girlfriend,
if you're trying to understand
your girlfriend, well, stop.
Because you can't, okay?
You can never, right?
I sat with a girlfriend of mine
by the river.
Okay, we saw a river snake, you know.
And the river snake didn't move, right.
The river snake just laid there.
She looked at me and she goes,
"Oh, my god. Is it dead?"
I said, "I don't know, babe.
Throw a rock at it or something."
She threw a rock at it,
and it didn't move. And then, she started to cry,
she was like,
"Oh, my god!
It came out here just to die!"
I said, "What are you talking about?"
She said,
"No, you don't understand, man, okay?
We have a connection with animals.
Women have a connection with animals.
Especially when this baby came up to me."
Just when she said that,
the snake started moving towards her,
and she was like,
"Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!"
[audience laughing]
I like all sorts of women.
All sorts of women.
Indian girls. Ooh!
Any Indian girls in the house?
[women cheer softly]
Oh, yeah! Hey!
[in Malay]
Hey, girl!
[Fuzz] I love it! I love it.
I had an Indian girlfriend,
body like Baywatch,
body like Baywatch,
face like Crimewatch. Uh...
[loud laughter]
Are we all right? Are we all right?
Very, very thoughtful Indian girl, too.
Very, very thoughtful, Indian girl, right?
For my birthday, okay,
she bought me a present
that was very thoughtful,
because I used to be very nervous,
when I talk on the stage.
And when I first started stand-up comedy,
I was very nervous, right.
So, I always used to talk very fast,
and they can't understand me.
They cannot understand me at all.
So my Indian girlfriend, on my birthday,
she bought me a present
that was a sticker,
that looked like a full stop, right?
And I said...
[audience laughing]
And I said, "Babe,
where did you get the idea for this?"
And she says, "I don't know,
just came off the top of my head."
[Fuzz chuckling]
Oh, dude.
You've got to understand it, man.
You have a lot of fun in Singapore?
Mister white man,
you have a lot of fun in Singapore?
Right, you go to clubs in Singapore?
Do you go to clubs? Yeah?
-[man #3] I used to.
-You used to go to clubs in Singapore.
A lot of stuff are illegal in Singapore,
you've got to know, right?
Drugs are illegal in Singapore.
That's right.
Drugs are illegal in Singapore,
which is weird.
Because I have never taken drugs.
[audience murmuring]
Hey, hey, hey.
[audience giggling]
Let me elaborate.
I've never taken heroin,
never taken ecstasy,
never taken cocaine, okay?
Because when we were in primary school,
they always feed us with images
of people overdosing on drugs.
You remember this, right?
"Don't take drugs, or else you will end up
like this guy," then foam...
You know that?
So they go,
"Don't! Don't take drugs." Right?
So, I looked at it, and I was like,
"Okay, so don't take heroin, ecstasy,
or cocaine, all right!"
So, I've never taken heroin,
ecstasy, or cocaine
because I've had that image implanted
in my brain for the longest time.
But I've never seen them take any pictures
of people dying from weed.
That's all I'm saying.
That's all I'm saying, okay! I bet that they wanted to,
it's just that they can't.
It's just pictures going...
[in Malay]
"I'm hungry, bro!"
See? Some people are laughing,
some people are scared to laugh.
That's all I'm saying.
[in Malay] It's really hot here, bro.
The CNB is here. Enough.
[audience laughing]
[in Malay]
Relax, relax, relax.
That's Malay people taking cover... [in Malay]
Relax, relax, relax.
[audience laughing]
Right, right? That's it.
Man, you go next door, you see a lot
of politicians do that, too,
before they walk out and make a speech.
[in Malay]
Relax, relax, relax.
Oh, my god.
It's true, man.
I'm just asking you, man,
like, if you want to go to clubs, right.
You've got to understand the tics
of the different gangsters in Singapore.
Like Chinese gangsters,
they may seem menacing,
but we are still Singaporeans,
so we're not very menacing, because...
Chinese gangsters
are one of the most concerned people
that you will ever find, all right.
One of the most concerned people,
because you look at the Chinese gangster,
every time you bump into him
at Zouk or something.
You look at the Chinese gangster,
Chinese gangster looks at you.
The first question
the Chinese gangster will ask,
"You got a problem with me?
You got a problem?"
Very concerned, you know.
[audience laughing]
"You got a problem, is it?
You've got a problem?
You tell me now, what is your problem?
You got a problem, is it?"
Nobody took the time
to tell them your problem.
That's all I'm saying, you know.
Nobody turned around, "Brother."
Nobody turned to talk, "Bro! Bro!
I just broke up with my girlfriend!"
"Brother, come here.
Life must move on, okay?"
Indian gangsters are very territorial,
right? You know this, bro.
You know what it is. Indian gangsters,
you know, are very territorial, bro.
You're looking at me, going,
"Bro, I tell you, bro,
This area, bro? Don't worry, bro!
This area? I'll take care of it for you!
Don't worry, bro!
This area, I'll take care of it, bro! Bro, this is my area, bro.
I'll take care of it, bro."
"What do you mean you'll take care?"
"No, I work here as a security guard
at the condominium. I'll take care of it."
[loud laughter]
Malay gangsters...
Malay gangsters are the best,
we respect women.
We respect women. That's right! Huh?
We will never ever spike a girl's drink.
Never. Never.
First of all, there's not going to be many
Malay gangsters
because there's cover charge, but...
[audience laughing]
We will never, ever, spike a girl's drink.
You know, if you ask a Malay gangster,
"Why will you never, ever,
spike a girl's drink?"
He'll say, "Bro, drugs in Singapore
are too expensive, cannot share, okay?"
[audience laughing]
Only for themselves.
You hear a lot of songs, man.
In the club, you like to, you know,
jive to a lot of the songs
in the club, right?
It's good, man. Do you like rap music?
Do you like rap music, bro? [Fuzz] What's your favorite?
[in Malay]
Too slow.
[audience laughing]
[in Malay] "I have to think...
What is it called? Why is it in English?
[in Malay] I'm not prepared!
[in Malay] Should I say was or is?
[audience laughing]
[in Malay] Fuck it!
He asked me in English. Damn it!
[in Malay] How do I...
Kanye West! Kanye West! Kanye West!"
I love the look on your face.
Look at that.
Oh, man.
I love rap.
I like it when rappers, uh...
You know, when rappers do their thing,
and one of my favorite things
that I love rappers when they do it is,
when they replace words with letters.
I think that's great.
You know, they replace words
with letters, right? Like,
Yo, man, X gon' give it to ya
You know, man, I'm a real G
Yo, I'ma F you up
You know? So I thought that it would be
a nice thing to have a full verse,
only in letters, right?
And no words, it would be like,
A, B! Stop being such a C
And suck on this D
Before I slip some E in your drink
And F you up
To show you how much I'm a real G
Your ass is gonna hurt
[audience cheering]
So you're gonna need
Some preparation H And I am not JK when I'm telling you
I'm gonna to win,
So you're gonna take this L
From this M who's starting to sound
A lot like an N
Are you gonna scream O
When I pop that P?
You ask me too many Qs
Why our R S relationship
Is not perfect to a T
That's why U won't give me any V
And when I ask you to talk to me
You say W for whatever
And now you're breaking up with me
So now you're my X
And when I ask you Y
You say every time you wanna have sex
All you want to do is Z
Listen. Listen!
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen,
for being a part of this!
[loud cheering]
Thank you very much!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I appreciate each and every one
of you motherfuckers out here.
[Fuzz] I really do. I really do.
They say,
"Fuzz! How do you deal with haters?"
I say, "Haters don't pay my bills,
but my supporters do."
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen!
I will keep doing this for all of you!
Thank you very much, I love you!
In Fuzz we trust.
Still here, baby!
Thank you very much! See you!