Fakkah Fuzz: Too Real (2023) Movie Script
1
Singapore's favorite bald, bearded man,
the one and only
Fakkah Fuzz!
Assalamualaikum.
Give it up for DJ Nash D,
ladies and gentlemen...
hailing all the way from Malaysia.
Yeah.
See? We're in good terms, right?
I think it's very tricky because
a lot of us here, when we're on stage,
we are trying to tell things
that make you laugh.
That's the intention behind this.
A lot of us have aspirations
and people we look up to.
There is only one person
in stand-up comedy
that I properly look up to,
like, I really look up to,
and his name is Dave Chappelle.
Okay? Yes.
Yes. Some of you know,
some of you are aware of his work.
So, the reason why I like Dave Chappelle,
is because Dave Chappelle
said no to $50 million, okay?
He said no to $50 million
to maintain his artistic integrity.
Right? $50 million
to maintain his artistic integrity.
That is the man that I look up to.
But I look at myself in the mirror,
and go, "I'm not that guy."
For far less money,
I will do far worse things, guys, okay?
In fact, for $15,000, you can catch me
in one of those Shopee ads, going...
Shopee pee pee pee pee pee pee
Shopeee pee pee pee
I don't think Singaporeans
are taught artistic integrity?
In Singapore,
we are taught different values,
and artistic integrity
is not one of them, right?
We are taught many things.
For example, we are taught efficiency.
Singapore must be efficient.
We must be efficient.
Everything must be on time, on the dot.
I am so Singaporean
that I cannot process imperfection.
You know?
If something doesn't happen on time,
my brain cannot process it.
Singaporeans love many things.
Efficiency is one of the things
we love, right?
Second is complaining.
We love complaining.
Right, seriously. My God.
I am a very chill Malay boy,
but when I start complaining,
I am a middle-aged Chinese woman.
Oh, man.
Nothing is more nerve-racking and scary
than a strongly-worded email
from a Chinese colleague.
"To whom it may concern." Disaster!
Career over, okay?
I was having a party at my house,
not the most halal party.
We have whiskey, booze,
soju, all kinds of alcohol.
Here's the thing, pandamart,
if you tell me
you're gonna arrive in 30 minutes,
you better arrive in 30-fuckin'-minutes!
Otherwise, my brain can't process.
You said, "30 minutes!"
We ran out of booze,
my friend came up to me
and said, "We ran out of alcohol."
I said, "Relax, pandamart, bro,
30 minutes, can arrive, no problem!"
Guys, you know how long it took?
No, bro. Three hours!
Three hours! Look at the excited look
on this Chinese lady's face.
Look at her. She's like, "Can complain!"
I know! And complain, I did!
I was so angry, it was three hours, right?
My order's not there,
so I'm looking at the app.
The thing about the pandamart app,
you cannot call anybody on the app
if you want to complain.
You have to talk to a robot.
The robot goes...
You're like, "My order is not here."
The robot's like,
"How do you like our service?"
It hasn't started yet! You know?
You just get angrier,
and angrier and angrier!
And then finally,
I Google, and I got this hotline, right?
This nice Malay girl named, Siti,
picks up the phone.
"Hello, this is pandamart.
My name is Siti, how can I help?"
Guys, by this time, I'm angry!
I'm like, "Yeah, Siti!
You guys said half an hour,
it's been three hours!
Three hours and my order is not here.
Where is my order?"
"Sir, I need you to calm down.
Can you give me your full name, please?"
"Muhammad Fadzri bin Abdul Rashid!"
"And what did you order, sir?"
I try to be a good Muslim, guys, okay?
It is very important for a Malay person
to know that he is always trying
to be a good Muslim.
That is his test every day.
But I'm not a good Muslim, all right?
I'm far from a good Muslim.
I'm not really a religious guy,
but I don't dare to call myself an atheist
because I'm still scared.
But there are certain things that I do.
Last two months, I observed Ramadan.
From afar.
My brothers look hungry!
But, yeah, I'm growing older, man.
I'm 36 years old.
Anybody in your 30s, make some noise.
Very energetic bunch of 30-year-olds.
Yeah. I'm 36 years old now.
It's a point of time
where you're in your family,
and if you wanna get religious,
this is point where
you should get religious.
Your parents are already waiting.
Like, "Bro, now? Maybe now is good."
My dad is a very religious man.
And he has a good heart,
so he tries to get me
into his life, as well.
Life of His blessings, right?
But here's the thing.
My dad has raised me well.
And I think that for every father,
they have a checklist
of what they're supposed to do
as a father, right?
Raise me,
I go to school,
didn't drop out of school,
and now I have a good job,
I didn't get married.
And finally,
everything in his checklist is ticked,
except for one box.
Just one little box.
And that box
comes in the form of a question.
And the question is,
"When you want to pray?"
That man gets crafty when he asks me,
"When do you want to pray?"
He is so creative.
Last time, he asked me straight up.
"Fadzri, when you want to pray?"
How old are you?
Fadzri, when you want to pray?"
Then we get into arguments.
But now, he's very crafty.
He said, "Fadzri, I got joke for you.
You can use this in your set.
This man, Muslim, he didn't pray,
then he go to hell.
Funny, right?
When you want to pray, Fadzri?"
He gets crafty, too.
He knows I like MMA, right?
He comes to me, "Fadzri, come, sit down.
You know, the classic fight
between Conor McGregor and Khabib?"
I'm like, "Yeah, I know."
"Conor McGregor
got ground and pounded by Khabib?
You saw, right?"
I'm like, "Yes, I saw."
"Ground and pounded by Khabib.
And then, put Conor McGregor
in a rear-naked show.
"You saw, right?" "Yes, I saw."
"That will teach Conor
not to offer Khabib whiskey.
Because Khabib is Muslim.
You're also Muslim.
When do you want to pray?"
I'm, like, "Hey!"
But here's the thing, guys.
I don't think I can pray yet.
Because you know why?
Because if I start praying,
in the checklist that my father has,
he ticks that final box.
And then,
his duty as a father is complete,
and then he loses his purpose in life.
Why would I do that
to my own father, guys?
I got another five years
for me to use the excuse.
I came back from travel.
I've been in Melbourne, and I realized
a lot of things about Singaporeans that
you don't realize until you travel.
One thing I realized
about Singaporeans is,
we're not a friendly bunch.
Do you know that people in other countries
just have small talk
with each other, just because?
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
They just say, "Okay, who's that?
Okay. That's a Malay brother. Okay.
So weird,
he had some slang to his, "Yeah."
Yeah!
Sorry, there's a white person here.
I gotta just...
Sorry, this show didn't come
Are you understanding the show so far?
You are, yeah? Where you from, man?
You're from the US? Which part?
East? Okay.
That's helpful.
New York, yeah? Okay.
Are you a New Yorker,
you live in New York for a long time?
No? You're not a New Yorker.
Been in Singapore for long?
You haven't been
in Singapore for long?
Why would you move from one dense city
to another one dense city?
Chinese lady, okay.
Sorry, I didn't mean to. Yeah.
Should get back to my set. Yeah, my bad.
Yeah, you see? That's small talk, right?
He was very willing
to do small talk with me.
You don't exist in like other countries.
You don't.
In fact, for me, as a Singaporean,
I'm uncomfortable,
with friendliness, I am!
I'm uncomfortable.
You don't get friendly with me.
If I ask for directions,
the answer I expect in Singapore
is either, "That way,"
or "Don't talk to me." These two.
Bro, I went to Melbourne,
and I asked this lady,
"Excuse me, how do I get to Collingwood?"
She's like,
"I don't know, but let's find out!"
Lady, this is too friendly.
And then, I realize
that Singaporeans are arrogant.
We are very arrogant as people,
don't you think?
You know what we're arrogant about?
There's one thing we're arrogant about.
Singaporeans are arrogant about safety.
We are so arrogant about safety.
We take safety for granted
in this country.
For example, I tell you.
How much is one condominium in Singapore?
2,5 million at this point, right?
Super fucking expensive, right?
2,5 million.
So, people that can afford it
are either middle class
or upper middle class.
So, professionals, right?
With their families, and their valuables,
in a 2,5 million dollar house, guys.
2,5 million dollar house,
with their families.
Not even one house. One whole building!
Every unit, 2,5.
Hundreds and millions of dollars.
This is one small plot of land
worth that much money.
Hundreds and millions of dollars.
And what do we do
to keep all this money safe?
This old, decrepit man
at the guard house, you know?
Just in and out of sleep. Just...
He is surprised he is alive, sometimes.
He's like, "Still alive?"
Just this old man!
That's our first line of defense, guys!
To defend against hundreds and millions,
there's this guy
and he has his sidekick.
This Malay uncle goes to Batam on weekends
to build an orphanage.
And his job is just,
"Come in, is it a pick up?
Come in, drop off? Pick up?"
He's just...
Drop off. Pick up.
That's our first line of defense.
Right? What if robbers come?
Don't worry. This uncle got radio
with music from the 17th century.
Playing old Chinese music.
So, if any robber comes...
"There's no stuff in this place,
let's go let's go."
"There is nothing here, bro."
We are so arrogant about safety.
We don't care.
What if something bad happens?
We don't care.
Because we know
that nothing bad will happen, right?
Guys, do you know what
we value more than safety?
We value space.
That's right.
You go to any hawker center
during lunch time, right?
The space is worth more
than your valuables.
They will use the handphone,
a laptop, a credit card, a work pass,
to chop this space,
is $20,000 worth of valuables
to buy $5 dollar Hokkien mee.
Just there.
And people don't steal.
What if people steal?
No. We are Singaporeans.
We respect that the place
has been chopped.
We just respect that the place...
We cannot steal
because it has been chopped.
So, there's a force field.
"Cannot, it's chopped already, bro.
I want to sit, but cannot, chopped."
That's just... Right?
I know you'll say,
"Fuzz, you eat in the halal section.
What are you complaining about?"
There's lesser seats in the halal section.
Because the aunties and the relatives,
all cutting the vegetables
on all the bloody tables, okay!
7-Eleven in Singapore? Too safe.
Too safe, okay?
You go to 7-Eleven in any country,
there is a barrier
between you and the cashier, okay?
I went to Melbourne,
there's bulletproof glass
between the cashier and me.
Right? Because I am not only a customer,
I am also a potential threat.
That is how I want to be respected
as a customer, okay?
Okay? Bulletproof glass.
You don't know what I'm gonna do!
You have no idea what I am gonna do!
You go into 7-Eleven in Singapore,
the fellow is not even
at the fucking counter, bro!
You try and get his attention.
You can hear the fellow
watching the Korean film at the back.
"Hey, brother!"
"Wait! I'm stocking."
"What the heck!"
"Marlboro Lights!"
That pissed me off.
Singapore is too safe.
And then, we have the heart,
we have the cheek
to tell people from other countries
with actual dangerous neighborhoods
that we have one, ourselves.
We have the cheek to tell people,
"Singapore also got ghetto, bro!"
"Singapore also got ghetto, bro!"
Tell me where the ghetto is at.
Yishun!
You see, you bastards?
How embarrassing!
Bro, we think Yishun is a ghetto!
I brought my friend from Malaysia.
He said, "Bro, where is your...
You think Yishun is a ghetto?"
Brother, I'm from Klang."
"Really?" Guys, listen.
Didn't go down without a fight, okay?
I tried to defend our ghetto.
I did.
I point up there
because that's where most of them live.
"I'm not serious. Just kidding."
"Trust me! Okay?"
I tried to defend Yishun, guys.
Okay? I said, "Bro, no, no.
Yishun is dangerous.
You don't come from here.
You don't know about Yishun.
Yishun is proper.
Yishun is dangerous.
That's a very dangerous part of Singapore.
No, don't disrespect Yishun."
"I'm from Klang.
Tell me what happens in Klang."
So, yeah, tell me what happens in Klang."
"Bro, gang wars." Okay?
Gang wars happen in Klang.
Do you know how bad the gang wars are?
They get very violent.
To a point
where there was this one time,
this guy from a rival gang got killed.
And not only was he killed, he was hung
in the middle
of the expressway at the overhead bridge,
to send a message to the rival gang.
"Bro, that's where I'm from."
"Tell me, bro. What happens in Yishun?"
Last week,
this 12-year-old boy tried to fuck a cat.
"That's embarrassing, bro.
That's true, right?"
I don't wanna hear anybody
out of this show
say Yishun is a ghetto, anymore, okay?
I don't even live in Yishun, but...
That's my...
We live in the same vicinity as you guys.
We experience the things,
we hear the things that you experience.
Chinese people, when you beat your kids,
too loud.
Downstairs can hear.
"We know. Mummy, don't want!"
Mummy!
Mommy!
Can hear!
"The Chinese kid got hit from above."
We are so satisfied when we hear.
"Good! Hit him some more!"
"Mummy, don't want!"
During my time,
Chinese parents did not give a fuck.
They were so gangster,
they'd beat their kids in public,
like nobody's there.
"Pee, now!"
They will beat their kids
and ask their kids to pee in public!
My mom will look at me,
"Are you naughty? I treat you like that."
"No! Don't want!"
That's our version,
whenever you say, "Are you naughty?
The Indian man will catch you."
That's what we did to you, you understand?
Every time Chinese kids get beaten up,
they always ask for help in public,
and nobody answers.
Malay brethren, "Nope!"
"Your mummy, over there, go!" Yeah.
We live with you, Chinese people.
So, we hear your shit. We know, okay?
Yeah, we do, right?
For example,
that coughing uncle upstairs, every day.
Right, bro?
Don't we always live
with the coughing uncle?
You ever lived
with a coughing uncle upstairs?
Every morning, at 8:00 a.m.
Bro, I live with this uncle for two years,
COVID didn't kill him, dude!
Dude, one time, this guy coughed so loud,
he caught himself coughing,
and he continued coughing, guys!
He went...
"Allah."
Okay. I see some Chinese people
looking at me, and say,
"Hey, come on, bro."
I pay money, see you.
Then, you push me until like this.
Okay, fair.
I let out some of your secrets.
I'll let out some of Malay people's
secrets also, okay?
Even? Fair?
Malay mothers have three different ways
of describing death.
I know you know this.
I know every
Malay household knows this, okay?
But I need to craft this properly,
so it doesn't sound racist.
It will, but...
I need to use my skillset
to make sure that it sounds
the least racist as possible.
Old Malay mothers, right?
Many old Malay mothers have
three different ways of describing death
according to the three different races
that exist in Singapore.
Okay? I'll say it in Malay.
And I want you to know that
every term means "death," right?
So, if an Indian person dies,
they will say, "Ada India, mati."
Now, mati doesn't mean anything.
It just means "died," right?
Now, if there's a Malay person
that passes away, we will say,
- "Ada Melayu..."
- Meninggal.
See? Okay?
So, meninggal means,
"He has crossed over from this world
to the other world," okay?
Now, please don't get angry at me,
Chinese people, okay?
I am merely a messenger.
If there is a Chinese funeral downstairs,
"Eh bawah ada Cina mampos ah!"
I'm sorry.
I don't enjoy this, I'm only reporting.
I don't enjoy this.
Mampos.
Mampos...
is the worst way to describe death.
You can mati peacefully.
You can never mampos peacefully.
If you mampos,
it means you got knocked down by a car,
slashed by gangsters,
face-fucked by otters, you know?
The worst possible death.
Sorry, man. It just doesn't feel good.
Doesn't feel good reporting this,
but I'm gonna tell you why, though.
I feel it's because
of how we approach death, you know?
Malay people anticipate death a lot.
We kinda know when a member
in our family is going to die.
When grandma is going to die,
we know already.
We already keep inside the room.
Okay, the room smells like
sea cucumber oil.
The whole room smells like
sea cucumber oil
and the fan is only on one.
And she is knocking the remote.
"Can this fan work or not?
Please help me."
And we are outside, already anticipating
her death, "It will be her turn soon."
We keep inside the room, already.
We know. We are ready.
Okay? Chinese people, you keep
your grandmother alive for too long.
Have you seen those grandmother
on the wheelchair
with the oxygen tank?
Grandmother is too old.
Why are we keeping her? Just...
With an orange afro.
Why does grandmother have an orange afro?
Just with the oxygen...
She cannot close her mouth.
This part is not functional anymore,
you know that?
And when she gets up...
Basically, the environment
is just crushing her to an "L". Just...
Okay, come on!
Some of you Chinese people
look at me like you're angry.
Don't go back home,
unplug your grandmother's.
"Damn it, waste my time only."
I'm just saying,
some grandmother
they don't wanna live that long,
but you keep her alive.
Why is grandmother
alive for so long, guys?
Grandmother is surprised she's alive.
And every Chinese New Year,
"Happy New Year! Long live, grandmother"
What are you doing?
You say Singapore has a low birth rate?
Of course, how you gonna fuck?
Grandmother is at the corner.
And then when she can finally rest,
right?
What do y'all do? "Grandmother, wake up!"
"What the fuck?"
You spend tens and thousands
of dollars to keep her alive.
Malay people don't waste time.
We detect the illness early.
"Doctor, how much?
How much, Doctor?
$30,000 dollars a month?
To Allah we belong
and to him we will return.
Maybe there's a reason why
us, as a people,
approach death like that.
Maybe there is a reason
that we collectively can share.
And I believe that the reason is...
we are all scared of ghosts.
Really!
If there's one thing that we share,
we are all afraid of ghosts. We are.
We're all afraid.
Everybody here can say
that we are afraid of ghosts.
You know why? We're Asians.
Asians are afraid of ghosts.
A white person can look at me,
can stare me in the face, and say,
"I'm not afraid of ghosts."
"Yeah, duh, white ghosts are not scary."
Some child in the corner,
"Come play with me".
"Shut up, stupid kid!"
It's not scary. I'm not scared of a child.
Why do I be scared of a child?
I'll be scared if it's a real child.
"Are you my daddy?"
Asian ghosts.
You should Google Asian ghosts.
If any of you don't know,
any white person in the house,
if you guys wanna find out
about Asian ghosts,
all these ghosts
I'm about to tell you, it's true.
Google Asian ghosts.
Asian ghosts are very creative.
They are. Chinese people,
this is my favorite ghost,
this guy right here, I love this guy.
This guy is my favorite ghost.
High intensity workout.
Heart rate 180, this guy just goes here.
"Can do this. Don't want, must do this".
Do you know how you defeat that ghost?
Very simple, bro. All you need to do,
is write an address,
paste on the forehead.
"Wrong house."
Don't get me started on Malay ghosts.
Malay ghosts are functional as hell.
Super functional.
Guys, Malay people have a ghost
that is this small,
bald, green in color,
- that we call the...
- Toyol!
Toyol.
Mr. White Man, sir...
Would you like to guess
what the toyol does?
You don't know? Let me enlighten you.
The toyol steals money.
Malay people
have a ghost that steals money!
How convenient!
We have never admitted
to missing money, ever!
From citizen to politician,
we have never...
I used to steal money from my mother
when I was a kid.
Five dollar, five dollar...
Mom was, like, "Where's my money gone?"
"Mom, this house got toyol, really.
Really, this house got toyol."
And she brought the shaman in!
The moment the shaman stepped,
"This house really got toyol, yes."
Go to my room,
"The toyol is around here, yes.
The toyol is around here."
And this last ghost
I'm about to tell you,
is a ghost that really exists. Guys,
I'm gonna tell you right now.
Google it, Mr. White Person.
Malay people have a ghost,
it's for Chinese people also,
so I'll tell you.
Malay people have a ghost
called hantu tetek.
So, hantu means "ghost."
Tetek...
means "boobies."
Malay people have a ghost,
a female ghost,
with the biggest, the freaking heaviest,
double-D titties.
Tittie-fications.
Big ol' bitties, right?
And Malay mothers used to scare kids,
they say,
"If you play outside the house
past 7:00 p.m.,
hantu tetek will kidnap you
and keep you under her breasts forever!"
Sir, I was outside my house 7:01 everyday.
"Where are you, hantu tetek?
Take me away!"
I have five dollars, I'm ready, you know?
Anybody in their 30s?
Make some noise. People in their 30s?
I like that you're so enthusiastic
in your 30s.
I like it.
Because many people lose hope
in their 30s.
You guys are still enthusiastic
in your 30s, good.
For example, me being single
in my thirties is my fault.
You know why? I have a habit, okay?
That has followed me
all the way till I'm this age.
I like to pursue brown girls
who are dating white guys.
Just to see if I can win them back.
Just a little battle in my head.
I feel if I win them back,
I'll be like, "Colonizer, 1-0."
And that's the thing. At this age...
When you're in your 30s,
you're not really old.
But the universe
starts to show you that you're old,
gives you hints.
You're not allowed to say you're old.
People in their 40s will be like,
"Yeah, if you're in your 40s...
You can't until your 40s.
That's when you'll..."
Yeah, so your 30s. You're starting...
The universe gives you hints.
The universe gives you a few hints
of you aging, right?
For example, your knees don't hurt,
but you can feel them.
Can feel.
Right? You can go out past 11:00 p.m.,
but if it's 5:00 pm, you have to decide
whether or not you need to nap.
Okay? Before you go out the house,
you don't have to pee,
but you pee, just in case.
When your friend buys an air fryer,
genuine excitement
comes out from your heart.
"Oh, my God, I got all the recipes!"
And it's okay.
Sometimes, you find that shit out
in the worst of places.
I found out I was getting old
inside the club.
Yeah, it's embarrassing.
Very embarrassing.
'Cause I was standing there,
and I was enjoying the songs that I love.
"Oh, my God, 50 Cent is on!"
Right?
Then, Dr. Dre comes on.
"Oh, my God, this is nice."
I was enjoying the song so much.
Until the DJ went said on the mic,
"I'd like to welcome y'all
to retro night, yeah!
How many of y'all love that old school?"
And I get excited
when a young person
likes the things that I like.
For example,
there was this young girl, Gen Z,
age is 22, 23.
She was singing lyrics to a song
that I like.
She's was like,
"Grab ya Glocks when you see Tupac.
Call the cops when you see Tupac."
I'm like, "Oh, my God,
you listen to Tupac?"
She says, "No, this is a TikTok song."
Hey, fuck off!
"Actually, Zendaya sang this
at the beginning of Euphoria."
What are these references?
What the fuck is a Zendaya, guys?
"You don't know Zendaya?
Zendaya is Spiderman's girlfriend."
"Fuck, Kirsten Dunst
is Spiderman's girlfriend, okay?"
Cultured.
I was so angry at this Gen Z girl,
I was so mad,
I started thinking hateful shit
to this Gen Z girl.
Gen Z, your generation is fucked.
Your generation is gone.
You know what?
You deserve global warming.
You deserve global warming, all right?
I hope every interaction you have
is face to face, okay?
I hope nobody texts you,
everybody call, okay?
I hope you never afford a house.
I hope every turtle you meet
got a straw in the nose.
I hope your anxiety medications runs out.
No, guys.
Please. I know the last one
was a bit harsh.
I'm aware, okay?
It's because I'm feeling bitter
'cause of what happened to me in the club.
I was just minding my own business.
I was really feeling old.
And this girl looks at me,
looks like she's in her twenties.
And I was like,
"Wait. Do I still got pull, guys?
Wait, boys." I look at my boys.
"Is she looking at me right now?"
And then, she starts walking towards me.
I was like, "Boys, do I still got it?
Does your boy still got it?"
And then, she came closer, I was like,
"I think she wants to talk to me, boys!"
She bumps against me,
and goes, "Sorry, Uncle," and walked away.
Okay, guys.
I won't keep you guys here for too long.
Malays, we don't like to do overtime.
Yeah, because Singapore and Malaysia,
guys, we fight all the time.
There's things they come
to Singapore for, that they love,
and things I go to Malaysia for
that I love.
For example, I like to go Malaysia,
I like to go to JB,
sometimes, to go test my car suspension.
"Can go damn low!"
Kidding, obviously it's for the cheap oil.
Obviously. And I thank you guys for that.
I do.
I don't feel arrogant about it.
I don't feel I'm entitled to it.
I thank you guys.
It's the economy that runs
between JB and Singapore.
I will tell you a story about one time
when things were opening up,
and I had a gig in JB.
I finally could go to JB
after two years, right?
Now, JB, there's a warung
that I like to go to.
I don't wanna name the warung,
but it is a very kampong warung, okay?
When I say, "kampong,"
it's super kampong.
Malay people,
it reminds you of your roots.
It really does.
You go there, you smell the place,
you know who they voted for.
Right? You come in, and you know
it's the mixture
of the smell of the kitchen,
plus, the smell of the toilet
and the smell of the cloth
from the grandma's together.
Inside your nose, going,
"Assalamu Alaikum."
It just reminds you...
But the food is so good.
The food is so good, right?
I finally went there and was like,
"Can't believe I'm here again!
I can't wait to eat the food."
Took the plate, the rice,
started to take the dishes.
I had my backpack with a laptop,
and I kept it on me all the time
because... Johor.
I went and took my dishes,
and I finally put my plate down.
I need to wash my hands
as I can't wait to use my hands
and eat this meal.
It's a Malaysian meal.
Guys, this really happened.
I turned on the tap.
Three seconds later,
the tap falls off the wall.
The tap fall off the wall, bro.
Now, there's water gushing.
And then I'm using this,
and I'm trying to fight
the pressure of the water.
Big spray, and
everybody is looking at me at this point.
I'm trying to fight the water,
putting the tap in.
Very calmly,
this Malaysian boy walks behind me,
he works there.
He looks at me
as I'm fighting the water...
He comes next to me,
goes below the sink...
"Just close it here."
At that point,
somebody taps me, I turned around.
"Fakkah Fuzz!
One photo, Fakkah Fuzz?"
Out there, there is a photo
of me holding a tap...
doing this.
And before he left,
he looks at me, he's like,
"In real life also, you're quite funny,"
and walks away.
True story, bro.
I grew up in Malaysia, okay?
And most of my school life,
I spent in Malacca.
Okay? It's a secondary school in Malacca.
And in my school life, actually...
If you wanna know,
I almost got banned in Malaysia once.
Right? But that wasn't my first time
getting in trouble in Malaysia.
I actually got arrested when I was 16.
When I was 16, schooling in Malaysia,
I actually got arrested in Malaysia.
Mr. White Man, sir,
I have been picking on you,
can you help me guess,
for the sake of everybody,
what do you think I got arrested for?
No, what do you think?
You can make a guess. What would it be?
If you can profile me right now?
You're from New York, you're used to
profiling brown people. What?
- Sorry?
- Stealing?
Stealing?
What kind of ghetto-ass person
do you think I am?
The Yishun fellows are upstairs.
I got caught...
for this crime
that I didn't know was a crime.
I got caught for khalwat.
Those of you
who know what khalwat means,
good on you, motherfuckers.
Those who don't know what it means,
Khalwat means "close proximity."
In Malaysia, if you are Muslim,
it is illegal
for you to be in close proximity
with someone that you can marry.
If you're in close proximity
in a secluded place,
that is illegal
and they can arrest you for it.
They call it khalwat.
I didn't know
that was illegal in Malaysia.
And I got caught in Malaysia for that.
This is how it happened, right?
My parents have a house in Malacca.
And when I was going to school in Malacca,
that was where I stayed.
Most of the time, I stayed by myself.
On the weekends, parents came to visit me.
On the weekdays,
when I'm by myself,
sometimes, friends come over.
And during this time,
I was just chilling on my own,
I was watching this very famous show
in Malaysia at the time,
called Kisah Benar.
Y'all remember Kisah Benar?
Kisah Benar translates to "true stories."
Basically, back then,
there was no political correctness,
or being sensitive to anybody.
They will break into brothels.
They will hold the camera,
on TV3, 8:00 p.m., Kisah Benar.
They will break into brothels.
"Are you a transsexual?"
"Here is where the transsexuals
of Bukit Bintang are!"
"Are you a transsexual?"
Back then,
there wasn't any zooming technology.
The cameraman had to use his legs.
"Are you a transsexual? How long?
This is the transsexual of Bukit Bintang!"
And they'll cut to an interview
of the person with the black...
"Indeed, I have been
a transsexual for a long time."
"Immoral conduct in Bukit Bintang!
Transsexuals in Bukit Bintang!"
It's everything that is illegal.
Right? And people
are arrested for in that show.
It was so interesting,
'cause you see religious police
rounding up everybody. "Are you married?"
The angles are like rap videos,
I swear to God.
No? "Are you married?"
I was watching that,
at that point of time.
I was sitting down,
minding my own business.
Eating food, I'm like,
Then I heard a knock on the door.
"Fuzz, open the door now!"
"Open the door."
I open the door, it was my friend.
He said, "Bro,
can I hang out here?" I said, "Sure."
"Bro, I got girl, bro."
I'm like, "Okay."
"And?"
And he said this,
which I didn't understand at that time.
"We want to project."
I'm still in school, you know?
I said,
"Our final year not until three months,
why you want to...
project, now?"
I didn't know.
So he was like,
"Bro, I want to project.
I want to project."
I'm 16 at that time.
I look at him and said,
"You know what? Okay.
Go to my sister's room.
That's the most comfortable room.
You can cum on her teddy bears,
I don't care.
Just don't use my room.
I thought, "Okay, at least,
I'm not home alone.
Somebody's hanging out with me.
What they want to do is up to them."
They went to the room,
I continued watching TV.
Suddenly, 10 minutes later,
as I'm enjoying this show,
I hear a very strong knock on the door.
So, I opened the door,
and I see a guy with a turban
and a long shirt,
and he says in Malay...
"We are from the Islamic organization."
I say, "You wait."
I closed the door, and I was like,
"This one, not halal, have to keep."
Opened the door.
"Can we come in?"
"Please, sir. Come in."
He comes in, right?
And he goes, "Your house is big."
"Wow, it's a house."
Can we look at the back?"
I said, "Go ahead. Look at the back."
They look at the back,
takes the couple out.
They walked to me, and they looked scared.
He looks at me and says,
"Why are you doing this?"
"What am I doing? I never do anything."
"Do you know that
this is immoral conduct?"
He said that with the leg, guys.
Now, please know
that I just watched Kisah Benar.
So I know what immoral conduct means.
"See, sir, as far as I know,
to my knowledge,
immoral conduct means two people
in secluded place.
There's three of us."
Loophole, bro.
They said,
"You don't try and be smart with me."
They took all of us to the police station.
And I had to see a 16 year old boy,
sitting in the lock-up,
looking at the police woman,
keying in my name with two fingers.
"How many 'M's are in your name?"
"Muham or Moham?"
"Muham or Moham?"
Right?
And suddenly, I remembered...
Oh, no. Hey, guys,
maybe these laws don't apply to me, right?
I am, after all, a Singaporean.
I should start
using my Singaporean card right now.
I said, "Miss!
Actually, I'm a Singaporean.
I don't know about
this immoral conduct stuff!
I stupid Singaporean.
So stupid, right?
Singaporean... the stupid one.
Just let me go."
"You are a Singaporean?
I said, "Yes, I'm a Singaporean."
"Actually, if we find out
that you are a Singaporean,
you don't have to be here.
You can go home."
I'm like, "Really? Can you check now?"
"Cannot." "Why?"
"System down."
Then, he calls my dad.
Yeah.
Calls my dad
and says,
"Your son has been arrested
in the police station..."
And my dad goes, "What did my son do?"
"Your son has been caught
for immoral conduct."
I can hear him yell on the phone.
And immediately, my body
started to reverberate. Tremble.
Malay people, you can relate to me.
When you know you're gonna get beaten
very badly by your parents,
your body starts giving you phantom signs.
Like your mom
or your dad beat you so bad in the future,
it reverberated to the past.
I'm gonna get my ass kicked...
Cannot check, system down.
So, I slept in the lock-up for a night.
The next morning came.
They were kind enough
to feed us breakfast.
Nice, little Malaysian nasi lemak.
It tasted so good.
At that point, I decided,
maybe theirs is nicer.
Maybe, all right?
And they took me to the
Department of Islamic Affair...
Then they look at me,
my friend, and the girl.
He looked and, "Immoral conduct?"
"This one is it."
"If that's the case, you have to marry."
I was confused,
"Two of them, or two of us?
'Cause I'm not ready for marriage.
Sure, it's progressive, but I'm 16!
He said, "No, actually, you know what?"
We found out that you are Singaporean,
so you can go home.
So, I went home.
Not knowing that my father
is making his way
from Singapore to Malaysia
to come and see me.
I was gonna get
the worst-ass beating of my life.
Then I reach home, I was like,
"Oh, my God.
I'm gonna get my ass kicked. I am."
And I hear his bike
coming from a mile away.
I looked at him and thought,
"What am I gonna do?"
He comes in.
I turned around and looked to my left,
I saw a prayer mat.
That's when I remember
his question all the time,
"When you want to pray?"
I was like, "Now is the best time."
He walked towards me,
I lay down the prayer mat,
before he even enters,
I'm like, "Allahu Akbar!"
He slapped me and I'm like,
"Why you slap me?"
"Mecca is that way, stupid!"
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Fuzz-ed!
You guys have been amazing!
Thank you so much for coming!
Thank you!
Singapore's favorite bald, bearded man,
the one and only
Fakkah Fuzz!
Assalamualaikum.
Give it up for DJ Nash D,
ladies and gentlemen...
hailing all the way from Malaysia.
Yeah.
See? We're in good terms, right?
I think it's very tricky because
a lot of us here, when we're on stage,
we are trying to tell things
that make you laugh.
That's the intention behind this.
A lot of us have aspirations
and people we look up to.
There is only one person
in stand-up comedy
that I properly look up to,
like, I really look up to,
and his name is Dave Chappelle.
Okay? Yes.
Yes. Some of you know,
some of you are aware of his work.
So, the reason why I like Dave Chappelle,
is because Dave Chappelle
said no to $50 million, okay?
He said no to $50 million
to maintain his artistic integrity.
Right? $50 million
to maintain his artistic integrity.
That is the man that I look up to.
But I look at myself in the mirror,
and go, "I'm not that guy."
For far less money,
I will do far worse things, guys, okay?
In fact, for $15,000, you can catch me
in one of those Shopee ads, going...
Shopee pee pee pee pee pee pee
Shopeee pee pee pee
I don't think Singaporeans
are taught artistic integrity?
In Singapore,
we are taught different values,
and artistic integrity
is not one of them, right?
We are taught many things.
For example, we are taught efficiency.
Singapore must be efficient.
We must be efficient.
Everything must be on time, on the dot.
I am so Singaporean
that I cannot process imperfection.
You know?
If something doesn't happen on time,
my brain cannot process it.
Singaporeans love many things.
Efficiency is one of the things
we love, right?
Second is complaining.
We love complaining.
Right, seriously. My God.
I am a very chill Malay boy,
but when I start complaining,
I am a middle-aged Chinese woman.
Oh, man.
Nothing is more nerve-racking and scary
than a strongly-worded email
from a Chinese colleague.
"To whom it may concern." Disaster!
Career over, okay?
I was having a party at my house,
not the most halal party.
We have whiskey, booze,
soju, all kinds of alcohol.
Here's the thing, pandamart,
if you tell me
you're gonna arrive in 30 minutes,
you better arrive in 30-fuckin'-minutes!
Otherwise, my brain can't process.
You said, "30 minutes!"
We ran out of booze,
my friend came up to me
and said, "We ran out of alcohol."
I said, "Relax, pandamart, bro,
30 minutes, can arrive, no problem!"
Guys, you know how long it took?
No, bro. Three hours!
Three hours! Look at the excited look
on this Chinese lady's face.
Look at her. She's like, "Can complain!"
I know! And complain, I did!
I was so angry, it was three hours, right?
My order's not there,
so I'm looking at the app.
The thing about the pandamart app,
you cannot call anybody on the app
if you want to complain.
You have to talk to a robot.
The robot goes...
You're like, "My order is not here."
The robot's like,
"How do you like our service?"
It hasn't started yet! You know?
You just get angrier,
and angrier and angrier!
And then finally,
I Google, and I got this hotline, right?
This nice Malay girl named, Siti,
picks up the phone.
"Hello, this is pandamart.
My name is Siti, how can I help?"
Guys, by this time, I'm angry!
I'm like, "Yeah, Siti!
You guys said half an hour,
it's been three hours!
Three hours and my order is not here.
Where is my order?"
"Sir, I need you to calm down.
Can you give me your full name, please?"
"Muhammad Fadzri bin Abdul Rashid!"
"And what did you order, sir?"
I try to be a good Muslim, guys, okay?
It is very important for a Malay person
to know that he is always trying
to be a good Muslim.
That is his test every day.
But I'm not a good Muslim, all right?
I'm far from a good Muslim.
I'm not really a religious guy,
but I don't dare to call myself an atheist
because I'm still scared.
But there are certain things that I do.
Last two months, I observed Ramadan.
From afar.
My brothers look hungry!
But, yeah, I'm growing older, man.
I'm 36 years old.
Anybody in your 30s, make some noise.
Very energetic bunch of 30-year-olds.
Yeah. I'm 36 years old now.
It's a point of time
where you're in your family,
and if you wanna get religious,
this is point where
you should get religious.
Your parents are already waiting.
Like, "Bro, now? Maybe now is good."
My dad is a very religious man.
And he has a good heart,
so he tries to get me
into his life, as well.
Life of His blessings, right?
But here's the thing.
My dad has raised me well.
And I think that for every father,
they have a checklist
of what they're supposed to do
as a father, right?
Raise me,
I go to school,
didn't drop out of school,
and now I have a good job,
I didn't get married.
And finally,
everything in his checklist is ticked,
except for one box.
Just one little box.
And that box
comes in the form of a question.
And the question is,
"When you want to pray?"
That man gets crafty when he asks me,
"When do you want to pray?"
He is so creative.
Last time, he asked me straight up.
"Fadzri, when you want to pray?"
How old are you?
Fadzri, when you want to pray?"
Then we get into arguments.
But now, he's very crafty.
He said, "Fadzri, I got joke for you.
You can use this in your set.
This man, Muslim, he didn't pray,
then he go to hell.
Funny, right?
When you want to pray, Fadzri?"
He gets crafty, too.
He knows I like MMA, right?
He comes to me, "Fadzri, come, sit down.
You know, the classic fight
between Conor McGregor and Khabib?"
I'm like, "Yeah, I know."
"Conor McGregor
got ground and pounded by Khabib?
You saw, right?"
I'm like, "Yes, I saw."
"Ground and pounded by Khabib.
And then, put Conor McGregor
in a rear-naked show.
"You saw, right?" "Yes, I saw."
"That will teach Conor
not to offer Khabib whiskey.
Because Khabib is Muslim.
You're also Muslim.
When do you want to pray?"
I'm, like, "Hey!"
But here's the thing, guys.
I don't think I can pray yet.
Because you know why?
Because if I start praying,
in the checklist that my father has,
he ticks that final box.
And then,
his duty as a father is complete,
and then he loses his purpose in life.
Why would I do that
to my own father, guys?
I got another five years
for me to use the excuse.
I came back from travel.
I've been in Melbourne, and I realized
a lot of things about Singaporeans that
you don't realize until you travel.
One thing I realized
about Singaporeans is,
we're not a friendly bunch.
Do you know that people in other countries
just have small talk
with each other, just because?
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
They just say, "Okay, who's that?
Okay. That's a Malay brother. Okay.
So weird,
he had some slang to his, "Yeah."
Yeah!
Sorry, there's a white person here.
I gotta just...
Sorry, this show didn't come
Are you understanding the show so far?
You are, yeah? Where you from, man?
You're from the US? Which part?
East? Okay.
That's helpful.
New York, yeah? Okay.
Are you a New Yorker,
you live in New York for a long time?
No? You're not a New Yorker.
Been in Singapore for long?
You haven't been
in Singapore for long?
Why would you move from one dense city
to another one dense city?
Chinese lady, okay.
Sorry, I didn't mean to. Yeah.
Should get back to my set. Yeah, my bad.
Yeah, you see? That's small talk, right?
He was very willing
to do small talk with me.
You don't exist in like other countries.
You don't.
In fact, for me, as a Singaporean,
I'm uncomfortable,
with friendliness, I am!
I'm uncomfortable.
You don't get friendly with me.
If I ask for directions,
the answer I expect in Singapore
is either, "That way,"
or "Don't talk to me." These two.
Bro, I went to Melbourne,
and I asked this lady,
"Excuse me, how do I get to Collingwood?"
She's like,
"I don't know, but let's find out!"
Lady, this is too friendly.
And then, I realize
that Singaporeans are arrogant.
We are very arrogant as people,
don't you think?
You know what we're arrogant about?
There's one thing we're arrogant about.
Singaporeans are arrogant about safety.
We are so arrogant about safety.
We take safety for granted
in this country.
For example, I tell you.
How much is one condominium in Singapore?
2,5 million at this point, right?
Super fucking expensive, right?
2,5 million.
So, people that can afford it
are either middle class
or upper middle class.
So, professionals, right?
With their families, and their valuables,
in a 2,5 million dollar house, guys.
2,5 million dollar house,
with their families.
Not even one house. One whole building!
Every unit, 2,5.
Hundreds and millions of dollars.
This is one small plot of land
worth that much money.
Hundreds and millions of dollars.
And what do we do
to keep all this money safe?
This old, decrepit man
at the guard house, you know?
Just in and out of sleep. Just...
He is surprised he is alive, sometimes.
He's like, "Still alive?"
Just this old man!
That's our first line of defense, guys!
To defend against hundreds and millions,
there's this guy
and he has his sidekick.
This Malay uncle goes to Batam on weekends
to build an orphanage.
And his job is just,
"Come in, is it a pick up?
Come in, drop off? Pick up?"
He's just...
Drop off. Pick up.
That's our first line of defense.
Right? What if robbers come?
Don't worry. This uncle got radio
with music from the 17th century.
Playing old Chinese music.
So, if any robber comes...
"There's no stuff in this place,
let's go let's go."
"There is nothing here, bro."
We are so arrogant about safety.
We don't care.
What if something bad happens?
We don't care.
Because we know
that nothing bad will happen, right?
Guys, do you know what
we value more than safety?
We value space.
That's right.
You go to any hawker center
during lunch time, right?
The space is worth more
than your valuables.
They will use the handphone,
a laptop, a credit card, a work pass,
to chop this space,
is $20,000 worth of valuables
to buy $5 dollar Hokkien mee.
Just there.
And people don't steal.
What if people steal?
No. We are Singaporeans.
We respect that the place
has been chopped.
We just respect that the place...
We cannot steal
because it has been chopped.
So, there's a force field.
"Cannot, it's chopped already, bro.
I want to sit, but cannot, chopped."
That's just... Right?
I know you'll say,
"Fuzz, you eat in the halal section.
What are you complaining about?"
There's lesser seats in the halal section.
Because the aunties and the relatives,
all cutting the vegetables
on all the bloody tables, okay!
7-Eleven in Singapore? Too safe.
Too safe, okay?
You go to 7-Eleven in any country,
there is a barrier
between you and the cashier, okay?
I went to Melbourne,
there's bulletproof glass
between the cashier and me.
Right? Because I am not only a customer,
I am also a potential threat.
That is how I want to be respected
as a customer, okay?
Okay? Bulletproof glass.
You don't know what I'm gonna do!
You have no idea what I am gonna do!
You go into 7-Eleven in Singapore,
the fellow is not even
at the fucking counter, bro!
You try and get his attention.
You can hear the fellow
watching the Korean film at the back.
"Hey, brother!"
"Wait! I'm stocking."
"What the heck!"
"Marlboro Lights!"
That pissed me off.
Singapore is too safe.
And then, we have the heart,
we have the cheek
to tell people from other countries
with actual dangerous neighborhoods
that we have one, ourselves.
We have the cheek to tell people,
"Singapore also got ghetto, bro!"
"Singapore also got ghetto, bro!"
Tell me where the ghetto is at.
Yishun!
You see, you bastards?
How embarrassing!
Bro, we think Yishun is a ghetto!
I brought my friend from Malaysia.
He said, "Bro, where is your...
You think Yishun is a ghetto?"
Brother, I'm from Klang."
"Really?" Guys, listen.
Didn't go down without a fight, okay?
I tried to defend our ghetto.
I did.
I point up there
because that's where most of them live.
"I'm not serious. Just kidding."
"Trust me! Okay?"
I tried to defend Yishun, guys.
Okay? I said, "Bro, no, no.
Yishun is dangerous.
You don't come from here.
You don't know about Yishun.
Yishun is proper.
Yishun is dangerous.
That's a very dangerous part of Singapore.
No, don't disrespect Yishun."
"I'm from Klang.
Tell me what happens in Klang."
So, yeah, tell me what happens in Klang."
"Bro, gang wars." Okay?
Gang wars happen in Klang.
Do you know how bad the gang wars are?
They get very violent.
To a point
where there was this one time,
this guy from a rival gang got killed.
And not only was he killed, he was hung
in the middle
of the expressway at the overhead bridge,
to send a message to the rival gang.
"Bro, that's where I'm from."
"Tell me, bro. What happens in Yishun?"
Last week,
this 12-year-old boy tried to fuck a cat.
"That's embarrassing, bro.
That's true, right?"
I don't wanna hear anybody
out of this show
say Yishun is a ghetto, anymore, okay?
I don't even live in Yishun, but...
That's my...
We live in the same vicinity as you guys.
We experience the things,
we hear the things that you experience.
Chinese people, when you beat your kids,
too loud.
Downstairs can hear.
"We know. Mummy, don't want!"
Mummy!
Mommy!
Can hear!
"The Chinese kid got hit from above."
We are so satisfied when we hear.
"Good! Hit him some more!"
"Mummy, don't want!"
During my time,
Chinese parents did not give a fuck.
They were so gangster,
they'd beat their kids in public,
like nobody's there.
"Pee, now!"
They will beat their kids
and ask their kids to pee in public!
My mom will look at me,
"Are you naughty? I treat you like that."
"No! Don't want!"
That's our version,
whenever you say, "Are you naughty?
The Indian man will catch you."
That's what we did to you, you understand?
Every time Chinese kids get beaten up,
they always ask for help in public,
and nobody answers.
Malay brethren, "Nope!"
"Your mummy, over there, go!" Yeah.
We live with you, Chinese people.
So, we hear your shit. We know, okay?
Yeah, we do, right?
For example,
that coughing uncle upstairs, every day.
Right, bro?
Don't we always live
with the coughing uncle?
You ever lived
with a coughing uncle upstairs?
Every morning, at 8:00 a.m.
Bro, I live with this uncle for two years,
COVID didn't kill him, dude!
Dude, one time, this guy coughed so loud,
he caught himself coughing,
and he continued coughing, guys!
He went...
"Allah."
Okay. I see some Chinese people
looking at me, and say,
"Hey, come on, bro."
I pay money, see you.
Then, you push me until like this.
Okay, fair.
I let out some of your secrets.
I'll let out some of Malay people's
secrets also, okay?
Even? Fair?
Malay mothers have three different ways
of describing death.
I know you know this.
I know every
Malay household knows this, okay?
But I need to craft this properly,
so it doesn't sound racist.
It will, but...
I need to use my skillset
to make sure that it sounds
the least racist as possible.
Old Malay mothers, right?
Many old Malay mothers have
three different ways of describing death
according to the three different races
that exist in Singapore.
Okay? I'll say it in Malay.
And I want you to know that
every term means "death," right?
So, if an Indian person dies,
they will say, "Ada India, mati."
Now, mati doesn't mean anything.
It just means "died," right?
Now, if there's a Malay person
that passes away, we will say,
- "Ada Melayu..."
- Meninggal.
See? Okay?
So, meninggal means,
"He has crossed over from this world
to the other world," okay?
Now, please don't get angry at me,
Chinese people, okay?
I am merely a messenger.
If there is a Chinese funeral downstairs,
"Eh bawah ada Cina mampos ah!"
I'm sorry.
I don't enjoy this, I'm only reporting.
I don't enjoy this.
Mampos.
Mampos...
is the worst way to describe death.
You can mati peacefully.
You can never mampos peacefully.
If you mampos,
it means you got knocked down by a car,
slashed by gangsters,
face-fucked by otters, you know?
The worst possible death.
Sorry, man. It just doesn't feel good.
Doesn't feel good reporting this,
but I'm gonna tell you why, though.
I feel it's because
of how we approach death, you know?
Malay people anticipate death a lot.
We kinda know when a member
in our family is going to die.
When grandma is going to die,
we know already.
We already keep inside the room.
Okay, the room smells like
sea cucumber oil.
The whole room smells like
sea cucumber oil
and the fan is only on one.
And she is knocking the remote.
"Can this fan work or not?
Please help me."
And we are outside, already anticipating
her death, "It will be her turn soon."
We keep inside the room, already.
We know. We are ready.
Okay? Chinese people, you keep
your grandmother alive for too long.
Have you seen those grandmother
on the wheelchair
with the oxygen tank?
Grandmother is too old.
Why are we keeping her? Just...
With an orange afro.
Why does grandmother have an orange afro?
Just with the oxygen...
She cannot close her mouth.
This part is not functional anymore,
you know that?
And when she gets up...
Basically, the environment
is just crushing her to an "L". Just...
Okay, come on!
Some of you Chinese people
look at me like you're angry.
Don't go back home,
unplug your grandmother's.
"Damn it, waste my time only."
I'm just saying,
some grandmother
they don't wanna live that long,
but you keep her alive.
Why is grandmother
alive for so long, guys?
Grandmother is surprised she's alive.
And every Chinese New Year,
"Happy New Year! Long live, grandmother"
What are you doing?
You say Singapore has a low birth rate?
Of course, how you gonna fuck?
Grandmother is at the corner.
And then when she can finally rest,
right?
What do y'all do? "Grandmother, wake up!"
"What the fuck?"
You spend tens and thousands
of dollars to keep her alive.
Malay people don't waste time.
We detect the illness early.
"Doctor, how much?
How much, Doctor?
$30,000 dollars a month?
To Allah we belong
and to him we will return.
Maybe there's a reason why
us, as a people,
approach death like that.
Maybe there is a reason
that we collectively can share.
And I believe that the reason is...
we are all scared of ghosts.
Really!
If there's one thing that we share,
we are all afraid of ghosts. We are.
We're all afraid.
Everybody here can say
that we are afraid of ghosts.
You know why? We're Asians.
Asians are afraid of ghosts.
A white person can look at me,
can stare me in the face, and say,
"I'm not afraid of ghosts."
"Yeah, duh, white ghosts are not scary."
Some child in the corner,
"Come play with me".
"Shut up, stupid kid!"
It's not scary. I'm not scared of a child.
Why do I be scared of a child?
I'll be scared if it's a real child.
"Are you my daddy?"
Asian ghosts.
You should Google Asian ghosts.
If any of you don't know,
any white person in the house,
if you guys wanna find out
about Asian ghosts,
all these ghosts
I'm about to tell you, it's true.
Google Asian ghosts.
Asian ghosts are very creative.
They are. Chinese people,
this is my favorite ghost,
this guy right here, I love this guy.
This guy is my favorite ghost.
High intensity workout.
Heart rate 180, this guy just goes here.
"Can do this. Don't want, must do this".
Do you know how you defeat that ghost?
Very simple, bro. All you need to do,
is write an address,
paste on the forehead.
"Wrong house."
Don't get me started on Malay ghosts.
Malay ghosts are functional as hell.
Super functional.
Guys, Malay people have a ghost
that is this small,
bald, green in color,
- that we call the...
- Toyol!
Toyol.
Mr. White Man, sir...
Would you like to guess
what the toyol does?
You don't know? Let me enlighten you.
The toyol steals money.
Malay people
have a ghost that steals money!
How convenient!
We have never admitted
to missing money, ever!
From citizen to politician,
we have never...
I used to steal money from my mother
when I was a kid.
Five dollar, five dollar...
Mom was, like, "Where's my money gone?"
"Mom, this house got toyol, really.
Really, this house got toyol."
And she brought the shaman in!
The moment the shaman stepped,
"This house really got toyol, yes."
Go to my room,
"The toyol is around here, yes.
The toyol is around here."
And this last ghost
I'm about to tell you,
is a ghost that really exists. Guys,
I'm gonna tell you right now.
Google it, Mr. White Person.
Malay people have a ghost,
it's for Chinese people also,
so I'll tell you.
Malay people have a ghost
called hantu tetek.
So, hantu means "ghost."
Tetek...
means "boobies."
Malay people have a ghost,
a female ghost,
with the biggest, the freaking heaviest,
double-D titties.
Tittie-fications.
Big ol' bitties, right?
And Malay mothers used to scare kids,
they say,
"If you play outside the house
past 7:00 p.m.,
hantu tetek will kidnap you
and keep you under her breasts forever!"
Sir, I was outside my house 7:01 everyday.
"Where are you, hantu tetek?
Take me away!"
I have five dollars, I'm ready, you know?
Anybody in their 30s?
Make some noise. People in their 30s?
I like that you're so enthusiastic
in your 30s.
I like it.
Because many people lose hope
in their 30s.
You guys are still enthusiastic
in your 30s, good.
For example, me being single
in my thirties is my fault.
You know why? I have a habit, okay?
That has followed me
all the way till I'm this age.
I like to pursue brown girls
who are dating white guys.
Just to see if I can win them back.
Just a little battle in my head.
I feel if I win them back,
I'll be like, "Colonizer, 1-0."
And that's the thing. At this age...
When you're in your 30s,
you're not really old.
But the universe
starts to show you that you're old,
gives you hints.
You're not allowed to say you're old.
People in their 40s will be like,
"Yeah, if you're in your 40s...
You can't until your 40s.
That's when you'll..."
Yeah, so your 30s. You're starting...
The universe gives you hints.
The universe gives you a few hints
of you aging, right?
For example, your knees don't hurt,
but you can feel them.
Can feel.
Right? You can go out past 11:00 p.m.,
but if it's 5:00 pm, you have to decide
whether or not you need to nap.
Okay? Before you go out the house,
you don't have to pee,
but you pee, just in case.
When your friend buys an air fryer,
genuine excitement
comes out from your heart.
"Oh, my God, I got all the recipes!"
And it's okay.
Sometimes, you find that shit out
in the worst of places.
I found out I was getting old
inside the club.
Yeah, it's embarrassing.
Very embarrassing.
'Cause I was standing there,
and I was enjoying the songs that I love.
"Oh, my God, 50 Cent is on!"
Right?
Then, Dr. Dre comes on.
"Oh, my God, this is nice."
I was enjoying the song so much.
Until the DJ went said on the mic,
"I'd like to welcome y'all
to retro night, yeah!
How many of y'all love that old school?"
And I get excited
when a young person
likes the things that I like.
For example,
there was this young girl, Gen Z,
age is 22, 23.
She was singing lyrics to a song
that I like.
She's was like,
"Grab ya Glocks when you see Tupac.
Call the cops when you see Tupac."
I'm like, "Oh, my God,
you listen to Tupac?"
She says, "No, this is a TikTok song."
Hey, fuck off!
"Actually, Zendaya sang this
at the beginning of Euphoria."
What are these references?
What the fuck is a Zendaya, guys?
"You don't know Zendaya?
Zendaya is Spiderman's girlfriend."
"Fuck, Kirsten Dunst
is Spiderman's girlfriend, okay?"
Cultured.
I was so angry at this Gen Z girl,
I was so mad,
I started thinking hateful shit
to this Gen Z girl.
Gen Z, your generation is fucked.
Your generation is gone.
You know what?
You deserve global warming.
You deserve global warming, all right?
I hope every interaction you have
is face to face, okay?
I hope nobody texts you,
everybody call, okay?
I hope you never afford a house.
I hope every turtle you meet
got a straw in the nose.
I hope your anxiety medications runs out.
No, guys.
Please. I know the last one
was a bit harsh.
I'm aware, okay?
It's because I'm feeling bitter
'cause of what happened to me in the club.
I was just minding my own business.
I was really feeling old.
And this girl looks at me,
looks like she's in her twenties.
And I was like,
"Wait. Do I still got pull, guys?
Wait, boys." I look at my boys.
"Is she looking at me right now?"
And then, she starts walking towards me.
I was like, "Boys, do I still got it?
Does your boy still got it?"
And then, she came closer, I was like,
"I think she wants to talk to me, boys!"
She bumps against me,
and goes, "Sorry, Uncle," and walked away.
Okay, guys.
I won't keep you guys here for too long.
Malays, we don't like to do overtime.
Yeah, because Singapore and Malaysia,
guys, we fight all the time.
There's things they come
to Singapore for, that they love,
and things I go to Malaysia for
that I love.
For example, I like to go Malaysia,
I like to go to JB,
sometimes, to go test my car suspension.
"Can go damn low!"
Kidding, obviously it's for the cheap oil.
Obviously. And I thank you guys for that.
I do.
I don't feel arrogant about it.
I don't feel I'm entitled to it.
I thank you guys.
It's the economy that runs
between JB and Singapore.
I will tell you a story about one time
when things were opening up,
and I had a gig in JB.
I finally could go to JB
after two years, right?
Now, JB, there's a warung
that I like to go to.
I don't wanna name the warung,
but it is a very kampong warung, okay?
When I say, "kampong,"
it's super kampong.
Malay people,
it reminds you of your roots.
It really does.
You go there, you smell the place,
you know who they voted for.
Right? You come in, and you know
it's the mixture
of the smell of the kitchen,
plus, the smell of the toilet
and the smell of the cloth
from the grandma's together.
Inside your nose, going,
"Assalamu Alaikum."
It just reminds you...
But the food is so good.
The food is so good, right?
I finally went there and was like,
"Can't believe I'm here again!
I can't wait to eat the food."
Took the plate, the rice,
started to take the dishes.
I had my backpack with a laptop,
and I kept it on me all the time
because... Johor.
I went and took my dishes,
and I finally put my plate down.
I need to wash my hands
as I can't wait to use my hands
and eat this meal.
It's a Malaysian meal.
Guys, this really happened.
I turned on the tap.
Three seconds later,
the tap falls off the wall.
The tap fall off the wall, bro.
Now, there's water gushing.
And then I'm using this,
and I'm trying to fight
the pressure of the water.
Big spray, and
everybody is looking at me at this point.
I'm trying to fight the water,
putting the tap in.
Very calmly,
this Malaysian boy walks behind me,
he works there.
He looks at me
as I'm fighting the water...
He comes next to me,
goes below the sink...
"Just close it here."
At that point,
somebody taps me, I turned around.
"Fakkah Fuzz!
One photo, Fakkah Fuzz?"
Out there, there is a photo
of me holding a tap...
doing this.
And before he left,
he looks at me, he's like,
"In real life also, you're quite funny,"
and walks away.
True story, bro.
I grew up in Malaysia, okay?
And most of my school life,
I spent in Malacca.
Okay? It's a secondary school in Malacca.
And in my school life, actually...
If you wanna know,
I almost got banned in Malaysia once.
Right? But that wasn't my first time
getting in trouble in Malaysia.
I actually got arrested when I was 16.
When I was 16, schooling in Malaysia,
I actually got arrested in Malaysia.
Mr. White Man, sir,
I have been picking on you,
can you help me guess,
for the sake of everybody,
what do you think I got arrested for?
No, what do you think?
You can make a guess. What would it be?
If you can profile me right now?
You're from New York, you're used to
profiling brown people. What?
- Sorry?
- Stealing?
Stealing?
What kind of ghetto-ass person
do you think I am?
The Yishun fellows are upstairs.
I got caught...
for this crime
that I didn't know was a crime.
I got caught for khalwat.
Those of you
who know what khalwat means,
good on you, motherfuckers.
Those who don't know what it means,
Khalwat means "close proximity."
In Malaysia, if you are Muslim,
it is illegal
for you to be in close proximity
with someone that you can marry.
If you're in close proximity
in a secluded place,
that is illegal
and they can arrest you for it.
They call it khalwat.
I didn't know
that was illegal in Malaysia.
And I got caught in Malaysia for that.
This is how it happened, right?
My parents have a house in Malacca.
And when I was going to school in Malacca,
that was where I stayed.
Most of the time, I stayed by myself.
On the weekends, parents came to visit me.
On the weekdays,
when I'm by myself,
sometimes, friends come over.
And during this time,
I was just chilling on my own,
I was watching this very famous show
in Malaysia at the time,
called Kisah Benar.
Y'all remember Kisah Benar?
Kisah Benar translates to "true stories."
Basically, back then,
there was no political correctness,
or being sensitive to anybody.
They will break into brothels.
They will hold the camera,
on TV3, 8:00 p.m., Kisah Benar.
They will break into brothels.
"Are you a transsexual?"
"Here is where the transsexuals
of Bukit Bintang are!"
"Are you a transsexual?"
Back then,
there wasn't any zooming technology.
The cameraman had to use his legs.
"Are you a transsexual? How long?
This is the transsexual of Bukit Bintang!"
And they'll cut to an interview
of the person with the black...
"Indeed, I have been
a transsexual for a long time."
"Immoral conduct in Bukit Bintang!
Transsexuals in Bukit Bintang!"
It's everything that is illegal.
Right? And people
are arrested for in that show.
It was so interesting,
'cause you see religious police
rounding up everybody. "Are you married?"
The angles are like rap videos,
I swear to God.
No? "Are you married?"
I was watching that,
at that point of time.
I was sitting down,
minding my own business.
Eating food, I'm like,
Then I heard a knock on the door.
"Fuzz, open the door now!"
"Open the door."
I open the door, it was my friend.
He said, "Bro,
can I hang out here?" I said, "Sure."
"Bro, I got girl, bro."
I'm like, "Okay."
"And?"
And he said this,
which I didn't understand at that time.
"We want to project."
I'm still in school, you know?
I said,
"Our final year not until three months,
why you want to...
project, now?"
I didn't know.
So he was like,
"Bro, I want to project.
I want to project."
I'm 16 at that time.
I look at him and said,
"You know what? Okay.
Go to my sister's room.
That's the most comfortable room.
You can cum on her teddy bears,
I don't care.
Just don't use my room.
I thought, "Okay, at least,
I'm not home alone.
Somebody's hanging out with me.
What they want to do is up to them."
They went to the room,
I continued watching TV.
Suddenly, 10 minutes later,
as I'm enjoying this show,
I hear a very strong knock on the door.
So, I opened the door,
and I see a guy with a turban
and a long shirt,
and he says in Malay...
"We are from the Islamic organization."
I say, "You wait."
I closed the door, and I was like,
"This one, not halal, have to keep."
Opened the door.
"Can we come in?"
"Please, sir. Come in."
He comes in, right?
And he goes, "Your house is big."
"Wow, it's a house."
Can we look at the back?"
I said, "Go ahead. Look at the back."
They look at the back,
takes the couple out.
They walked to me, and they looked scared.
He looks at me and says,
"Why are you doing this?"
"What am I doing? I never do anything."
"Do you know that
this is immoral conduct?"
He said that with the leg, guys.
Now, please know
that I just watched Kisah Benar.
So I know what immoral conduct means.
"See, sir, as far as I know,
to my knowledge,
immoral conduct means two people
in secluded place.
There's three of us."
Loophole, bro.
They said,
"You don't try and be smart with me."
They took all of us to the police station.
And I had to see a 16 year old boy,
sitting in the lock-up,
looking at the police woman,
keying in my name with two fingers.
"How many 'M's are in your name?"
"Muham or Moham?"
"Muham or Moham?"
Right?
And suddenly, I remembered...
Oh, no. Hey, guys,
maybe these laws don't apply to me, right?
I am, after all, a Singaporean.
I should start
using my Singaporean card right now.
I said, "Miss!
Actually, I'm a Singaporean.
I don't know about
this immoral conduct stuff!
I stupid Singaporean.
So stupid, right?
Singaporean... the stupid one.
Just let me go."
"You are a Singaporean?
I said, "Yes, I'm a Singaporean."
"Actually, if we find out
that you are a Singaporean,
you don't have to be here.
You can go home."
I'm like, "Really? Can you check now?"
"Cannot." "Why?"
"System down."
Then, he calls my dad.
Yeah.
Calls my dad
and says,
"Your son has been arrested
in the police station..."
And my dad goes, "What did my son do?"
"Your son has been caught
for immoral conduct."
I can hear him yell on the phone.
And immediately, my body
started to reverberate. Tremble.
Malay people, you can relate to me.
When you know you're gonna get beaten
very badly by your parents,
your body starts giving you phantom signs.
Like your mom
or your dad beat you so bad in the future,
it reverberated to the past.
I'm gonna get my ass kicked...
Cannot check, system down.
So, I slept in the lock-up for a night.
The next morning came.
They were kind enough
to feed us breakfast.
Nice, little Malaysian nasi lemak.
It tasted so good.
At that point, I decided,
maybe theirs is nicer.
Maybe, all right?
And they took me to the
Department of Islamic Affair...
Then they look at me,
my friend, and the girl.
He looked and, "Immoral conduct?"
"This one is it."
"If that's the case, you have to marry."
I was confused,
"Two of them, or two of us?
'Cause I'm not ready for marriage.
Sure, it's progressive, but I'm 16!
He said, "No, actually, you know what?"
We found out that you are Singaporean,
so you can go home.
So, I went home.
Not knowing that my father
is making his way
from Singapore to Malaysia
to come and see me.
I was gonna get
the worst-ass beating of my life.
Then I reach home, I was like,
"Oh, my God.
I'm gonna get my ass kicked. I am."
And I hear his bike
coming from a mile away.
I looked at him and thought,
"What am I gonna do?"
He comes in.
I turned around and looked to my left,
I saw a prayer mat.
That's when I remember
his question all the time,
"When you want to pray?"
I was like, "Now is the best time."
He walked towards me,
I lay down the prayer mat,
before he even enters,
I'm like, "Allahu Akbar!"
He slapped me and I'm like,
"Why you slap me?"
"Mecca is that way, stupid!"
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Fuzz-ed!
You guys have been amazing!
Thank you so much for coming!
Thank you!