Fallen Angels (2026) Movie Script

1
- You'll only get hiccups
if you gobble like that.
- I'm not gobbling.
- What time's Willie coming.
- He ought to be here now.
- I say Muriel Fenchurch
is divorcing her husband.
- I think that uncommonly
selfish of the fellow
unleashing her upon an unsuspecting world.
- She will try to
fascinate relentless woman.
Oh dear, apparently a
man was arrested for,
well how do I put this?
Scaling the tower and trying
to have relations with Big Ben.
- Poor old Ben.
- Yes, the gentleman's
doing time for doing time.
I think you'd better
have some more coffee.
- Why?
- Because I want you to
meet our new treasurer.
- New. Thank goodness.
The last one was so dour.
- And that on a good day.
This one seems like a
nice girl. Very jolly.
Good morning sir.
- Ah, good morning. What is your name?
- We are Saunders.
- I see. Welcome
- Saunders, I think Mr.
Stawell would like to have
some more of your delicious coffee.
- Thank you. But no.
- You are quite right sir.
I was in the employ of his grace,
the Duke of Cidarington
for three years, Sir.
His grace, one of our foremost golfers,
as you well know, sir, never
took a second cup of coffee
before a day on the course.
His grace always said it
made his hand unsteady.
- Oh really?
- Yes sir.
And while we're on the subject of golf,
allow me to congratulate you sir.
I noticed your bag in the hall
and I was delighted to see a complete set
of Bobby Jones steel shafts.
I knew at once you must be a connoisseur.
May I ask about your balls?
- Well, they're just ordinary balls.
- His grace never used
anything except for Spaldings,
and personally I recommend
them myself whenever possible.
Do you need me for anything else sir?
- No. Do you want to say anything more?
- No, I don't think there is anything.
Ah, perhaps there's one thing more sir.
And which course will you be playing on
- Chichester.
- Will you be taking
all of your clubs sir?
- Yes.
- Well certainly You must know
that your irons are all you
will need at Chichester.
Your irons! Quite sufficient.
- She seems all right doesn't she? what?
- Quite, I do wish Willie
would learn to be punctual.
- Shall I ring him up?
- What? For?
- To bring him down.
- It wouldn't do any good.
He's most likely in the bath.
For him. That's a big job.
He does all his thinking in the bath
- Then he should have
been down some time ago.
- Don't be bitter dear. It
does dampen one's spirits.
- Nevermind, you've got the whole weekend
before you to recover.
Two days on Chichester golf course.
Where according to Saunders,
you shall only use your iron
shall be more than enough.
- Iron indeed. I'll take the lot.
- Here sit, quiet and smoke.
- Ah, very well. What are you going to do?
- Nothing in particular.
I'll practice my scales.
Tidy up and dust a bit to
set Saunders a good example.
I'm lunching with Jane
and we shall probably go to a matinee.
- Well there now.
Didn't I tell you your day
would pan out normally?
- Yes. But then I did have a presentiment
when I first woke up,
- But it was nothing definite you said so.
- Of course it wasn't.
You can't define a presentiment.
That's what's so horrid.
The feeling of being unsettled.
- I expect it's indigestion.
- No, thank you, Fred,
for that distastefully intimate concern.
I really felt quite odd
as though something damnable
were going to happen.
- Well, if you go on
thinking in that vein,
something damnable will happen.
- You are being terribly
gothic this morning.
- I just don't like to see you
worry yourself over nothing.
- I'm not really, I'm very happy.
- Are you honestly?
- Of course.
- Sure.
- Positive.
- Good, I think it awfully silly of people
to lead unhappy lives.
End up like Muriel Fenchurch.
- Yes, I suppose so.
We should both know the
minute we go off each other.
- Yes. Look at us married
seven years and we're happy.
- A divine seven years.
- Yes. Wonderful.
- Though we're not in
love a bit now, you know.
- I dunno anything of the source.
- That's true.
- Well, the first violent
passion is naturally over.
- Thank God.
- Why?
- Well, it's so uncomfortable, passion.
- But it's a thoughtfully
fundamental thing.
One couldn't do without it.
- You mean we couldn't?
- No, we could and are doing without it.
- One can't be really
in love without passion.
That's why I said we weren't anymore.
- Oh Julia, you know perfectly well
we've reached a remarkable
sublime plane of affection
and good comradeship far above-
- Just ordinary love. I quite agree.
- We are in love
- Hypocrite. We are not.
- We are in a different way.
- There is no different way.
It's exactly the same for everybody.
I've discussed it with Jane.
- Damn Jane.
- By all means. But
she knows just as I do.
- You're psychoanalytic
neurotics, the both of you.
- Thank you Fred. I'm flattered.
- Do you always discuss
everything with Jane?
- Yes. Everything. Always.
- Even the most intimate
relationships. Us.
- Yes. You know I do. I always have.
- Well, I think that's dreadful.
- Nonsense, you discuss
everything with Willie.
- Yes, but differently.
- Less accurately I expect.
That's the only difference.
- I'm sure married life was
much easier in Victorian days.
- If you think women didn't
discuss everything minutely
in the Victorian days just
as much as they do now,
you're very much mistaken.
- Yes. But it was so much simpler.
- For the men.
- For the women too.
They didn't know so much.
- They didn't give themselves
away so much. Poor dears.
They were too frightened and
couldn't take a proper breath.
Thrust up in their
Victorian corsets of doom.
- Anyhow, on the whole, I
would rather be as we are.
- That's right dear.
- But you are wrong when you
say I don't love you anymore.
- I Didn't say that at all.
I know you love me very
much and I love you too.
You're a darling. But we're not in love.
But can't you see the difference?
- I suppose so. But I don't want to.
- Well, we won't go on about it anymore.
You should go and play golf
and quarrel with Willie
and I'll stay home and quarrel with Jane
and we'll all be awfully happy.
Are you coming home tomorrow?
- Perhaps tonight. If the weather's bad.
- Well you might telephone
me and let me know.
- All right.
- There's Willie.
- I'll let him in. Alright.
Alright. Keep your hair on
- Wakey wakey. Morning.
Morning. Good morning, Julia.
How are you?
- I'm feeling grand.
Fred and I just had a
psychological romp.
It was very stimulating.
- It's depressed me for the day.
Jane's been a trifle difficult
this morning, I must say.
- In what way?
- She woke up with a presentiment.
- Good lord.
- Very confusing, I must
say outside my remit.
What? What?
- It's an epidemic.
- You've had one too?
- Yes, a beast. But don't
ask me to explain it.
It's quite intangible at present.
- She went on about it
all through breakfast.
Talking doesn't belong at breakfast.
- How tactless of her.
I at least waited until after breakfast.
- We'd better go Willie
and leave them to their dreary foreboding.
- Yes. Yes. We should be
very hearty and jolly all day
and drink a lot of beer.
The cars downstairs.
- Are thoughtful of
you not to bring it up.
- Have you got your gloves?
- Yes. They're in the hall.
I'm only taking my irons.
- Why?
- Because Saunders said so.
- Who on earth is Saunders?
- Nevermind.
- Bye Julia, don't encourage Jane too much
for heaven's sake.
- Whatever encouragement
there is will be mutual.
I feel in a particularly
heart to heart mood today.
- Goodbye darling.
- Goodbye love.
Don't forget to telephone
- Rather I drive Willy?
- Does it feel awful being in a new place?
- No, madam. Not particularly.
- I'm so glad.
I'm sure I should be terrified
and break everything.
- Oh no. It's just about
getting used to things is all.
- If a rather strange looking
man calls during the morning,
will you take him
straight to the bathroom?
Of course. Shall I run a bath for him?
- No. Why? He'll be the plumber.
- Oh, excuse me madam.
B flat.
- What?
- Excuse me, madam.
- You played B natural.
It should be B flat.
- Oh, you're musical then, Saunders?
- I was brought up in a convent, madam.
- Then you're sure it's B flat?
- Absolutely.
- You are right, Saunders. It was B flat.
- Of course it was. I
have an infallible ear.
And it's had plenty of practice.
For four years I was with
Madam Carmen Granado,
the celebrated concert pianist.
You can't get by me with a wrong note.
- Clearly.
- Madame Granado was very sweet to me.
She used to insist I use her
own piano for practicing.
- Really?
- She had a Bechstein grand.
- I'm afraid mine is only a baby grand.
- Oh, don't let that bother you, madam.
Madame Granado was a
celebrity, world-famous.
I'm used to making the best of things.
Your little instrument
will make a nice change.
- I'm so pleased.
- Don't give it another thought, madam.
Now I think you'll find that
it goes a little something
like this.
- Get that door Saunders?
- Stop singing that song.
- Oh, Madame, what a fright you gave me.
- Thank you, Saunders. That would be all.
Jane. Whatever you're doing.
I say, why on earth you
all dressed up like that?
Don't know. That's all.
You just don't know.
Jane, what on earth is the matter?
Come in and find your
housekeeper singing that song.
We must both go away at once.
- Oh all right. Where shall we go?
Don't be maddening, Julia. I'm serious.
- If you'd stop trying
to get dramatic effects
and tell me what it's all about.
- Read that.
- It's the Blue Grotto at Capri.
- Yes, I know it is, but read it.
- Oh, my giddy aunt.
- There now!
- This is frightful.
- What are we going to do?
- Think, we must think!
When is he coming?
- Now, I suppose at any moment!
- I wonder if he's changed?
- No, I shouldn't think
so that type never does.
- Don't say "that type" like
that it's a bit irreverent.
- I packed just a few
things very hurriedly
I thought perhaps Brighton for a few days
before our passports were properly vised.
- Passports?
- Yes, for America.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm all worked up
it was a most frightful shock,
and the funny thing is
that I had a presentiment
when I woke up this morning.
- So did I.
- There, now!
- We must keep calm and
talk it over quietly,
it's the only way.
We've a grand tradition
of getting out of scrapes
and today is the ultimate challenge.
"Often caught..."
- "Never expelled."
Cigarette?
- No, I couldn't.
Alright.
All right, focus, we've got
the whole day before us.
- I only hope so.
- You don't think he'll
arrive before lunch?
- He might, he might.
He never had the slightest restraint.
Oh, after nine years,
I do think it's cruel.
- It might have happened before,
that would have been much, much worse.
- I don't know. I wonder.
We might have had more strength to resist.
- Oh no, dear, we've never
been exactly bursting
with that kind of strength.
- You know what we are, don't you?
We're the slaves of coincidence,
and we always have been,
it does make life so dreadfully difficult.
- Yes, but easier at moments;
we can at least face it together.
- It's going to be agony
facing him together.
- Well we must be firm,
after all we're not in
love with him anymore.
- Not at the moment but
suppose when he arrives
he's just as attractive
and glamorous as ever.
Oh, we shall both go down like ninepins.
- I shan't.
I know it, Jane, I shan't.
I've changed in nine years.
I'm too fond of Fred.
- Yes?
I've been bolstering myself
up like that all the morning,
arguing that I'm too fond of Willy.
Everything's quite different now.
But I don't know.
I'm afraid, I'm terribly afraid.
You see, Julia, we have got to face facts
we're not really in love
with our husbands any more.
We're awfully happy, and
there's a lovely firm basis
of comradeship and affection
but the real "being in love" part is dead!
Well, you couldn't expect
anything else after all this time.
- Oh my, I told Fred
exactly that this morning!
- Oh, Julia, I do wish
we hadn't when we did!
- It's a fat lot of use wishing that now.
- Hey, you, give me back that Blue Grotto.
- It's typical of him to
send that, anyhow, typical!
- Maurice!
Maurice, it gives me a fearful
sort of illegitimate thrill
even to look at his name.
- Now then, Jane!
- I wonder if he realizes he's
been the one grand passion
in both our lives?
- Of course he does; it's
almost his profession.
- Our love for our husbands
has been on an entirely
different plane all along.
Nicer, worthier, and
all that sort of thing,
but not half so soul-shattering.
- I wonder if he can speak English now?
- I hope not.
He was so lovely in French.
- What would Willy and
Fred say if they knew?
- Oh, don't!
- Fred, I think, would be sensible,
after the first shock had worn off.
- Willy wouldn't.
- It isn't as if we'd been
unfaithful since marriage
after all, it happened before.
- Yes, but men never
forgive that sort of thing,
no matter when it happened.
- It seems so unfair that
men should have the monopoly
of a wild oat.
- They haven't, but it's
our duty to make them think
they have.
- When I think of Italy, and
the cypresses and the moonlight
and the glorious romance of it all.
- Don't dear, you'll only upset yourself.
- Do you remember how I
wrote to you in Scotland
and told you all about it?
Oh, how I adored him!
And nobody knew.
Nobody knew a thing.
I left Aunt Mary a week
earlier than I said
and got out of the train at Pisa,
he was waiting for me there.
We used to do and look
at the Leaning Tower
night after night.
- Yes, and I was so
worried because I guessed
that you'd gone early but I
told everyone I'd spoken to you
at your Aunt Mary's even when
you weren't there anymore.
- Thank you for that.
Do you remember that lovely song
he used to sing all the time?
Sometimes on the terribly
cracked piano at the hotel,
and sometimes just
walking along the street.
- Don't Julia, don't!
Because he used to sing that
song to me too afterward.
- The post, madam.
- That will do, Saunders.
- Don't tell me, I know.
Leaning Tower of Pisa.
- Of course.
- Oh, what a devil!
This week!
- And today's Saturday!
What are we going to do?
- Listen, Jane, we're
in for a bitter time.
We must summon up all our
courage and face it properly.
Cigarette.
We must get the whole situation
laid out quite clearly,
just as we always did when in a pickle.
Then we shall know where we are.
Now then.
- Yes, right, now then what?
- To wit.
Let's take two wretchedly
happy married women,
both during the first two
years of their married lives
having treated their
exceedingly nice husbands
to the requisite amount
of passion and adoration.
- Yes, yes!
- After a certain time the
first ecstasies of passion
and adoration subside,
leaving in some instances
an arid waste of discontent.
- Yes, lovely, darling, yes.
- Resulting in some instances rank boredom
and rampant adultery on both sides.
- Don't be gross, Julia.
- And in other rare
instances, such as ours.
Complete happiness and tranquility
devoid of violent emotions of any kind
with the possible exception of golf.
- Yes, they get quite hotted up for golf.
- Quite.
And there lies the trouble.
At home, the lack of violent
emotion, fireworks, etc.
- I don't want fireworks.
- Neither do I.
Not the nice part of me,
but there's a beastly,
unworthy thing in both
of us waiting to spring.
It sprang before our marriage,
and it's waiting to spring again.
It hasn't been fed for a long time.
- Oh Julia!
- To put it mildly, dear,
we're both ripe for a lapse.
- Oh, no, it's a relapse.
- It's perfectly appalling,
and we're laughing on the
very edge of an abyss!
- It's sheer hysteria, I can't help it,
- We happened to throw
our respective bonnets
over the same windmill.
- In an act of wild abandon.
- And in a critical moment
in our matrimonial careers,
that windmill is coming to wreck us.
- But I don't want to be wrecked!
I don't want to be wrecked!
- Shh!
Saunders will hear you.
- Julia, don't you see?
What I suggested in the first
place, it's our only way.
We must both go at once
anywhere out of London!
- I shall do no such thing.
It would be most cowardly.
- A blind goat could
see through that dear.
- Well, all the same, I
shall stay and face it.
- If you do, I shall.
- There is not the least
necessity for us both to suffer.
- If you should imagine I
should enjoy being by myself
in Brighton while you were
gallivanting about London
with Maurice, you're very much mistaken.
- I should be too much upset to gallivant.
- No, dear, it won't do.
- What do you mean, "it won't do"?
- We stand or fall together.
- Well, I don't mind standing together,
but I won't fall together
it would be most unseemly.
- Oh, I don't know, would it?
- Jane!
- Julia!
- Really.
- I am not going to be left
out of anything anyway.
- Very well then, I'll
go away and you can stay.
- Yes, yes, that will be alright.
- What about standing or falling together?
- Well, you see, I'm willing
to sacrifice myself for you.
- Liar!
- Julia, how can you?
- I thought so.
- I don't know what you mean.
- Oh yes, you do.
- If you're going to be cross, I shall go.
- I'm not in the least bit cross.
I'm just seeing through you, that's all.
- Seeing through me!
- Pane of glass, darling.
- But who was it who
wouldn't leave London today
because it would be cowardly, hmm?
- Are you insinuating,
dear, that I want to stay?
- Not insinuating, dear,
I'm dead certain of it.
- Ha, ha, Jane really.
Too amusing for words.
- You're simply longing for him.
- Jane!
- You are, you know you are!
- So are you!
- Certainly I am.
- Oh, Jane, we must be very careful.
- We were always careful, thank heavens.
- But I don't mean about
him, I mean about us.
- Oh!
- Don't you see what's going to happen?
- Yes, yes, I do!
- It's always the way, when sex comes up.
It wrecks everything, it's
a beastly, rotten thing.
- It didn't wreck us before.
- But we weren't together then.
If we had been, we should
have been the blackest enemies
in five minutes.
- Yes, as it was you were a bit upset
when I met him afterwards.
- Well, I was awfully sweet about it.
- It was too late for
you to be anything else.
I took jolly good care not you didn't know
until it was over.
- Yes, that's true.
- We've been friends, great friends
since we were eight and nine respectively.
- Pals above honor.
- And in all probability
this will break all that up.
- We must make a vow that
however badly one or both of us
behaves during this black
and scarlet period before us.
When it's all over and died
down, we can reinstate ourselves
on the same concrete basis
of friendship and intimacy
without the slightest sacrificing
of pride on either side.
- Oh yes, yes, Jane darling, I vow it now!
- Darling, so do I.
Whatever we do.
- And whatever we say.
- When temporarily unhinged by sex.
- Afterwards, perfect friendship.
- And no apologies!
- Not one.
Oh Jane, I can't go through with it.
- Julia, you made a vow.
- No I can't. It would be too frightful.
- The agony.
- Let's do your plan, and fly.
- Together?
- Together!
- He'll think it so rude.
- Don't weaken, Jane.
- Frenchmen are so particular
about that sort of thing.
- It can't be helped, one can
carry good manners too far.
- We ought to be hospitable.
- Well, as neither of us can be hospitable
without giving him the run of the house.
We might as well leave him
to freeze on the doorstep.
- I know, we can leave him a letter.
- Of course, saying
we've been called away.
- Yes, that would ease my conscience.
- Now you write it whilst I
change and pack a few things.
Saunders, Saunders?
- Your French is better than mine.
- Never mind, I'll help.
Saunders, I want you to
pack a small suitcase.
I've been called away.
- Very good, Madame.
- Shall I start "Mon cher Maurice"?
- No, "Notre cher."
It's less compromising.
- All right.
All right, listen.
- Not "cette
fois," it sounds so sly.
- Well what shall I put?
- While you are in London.
No, Saunders, I shan't
need evening things at all.
While you are in London.
- What's while?
- I haven't the faintest idea.
- Pendant, madam.
- Oh, you speak French, Saunders?
- Yes, Madame.
- Good gracious!
- Good gracious, nothing it's wonderful.
Saunders, how would you say,
"We are very happily married?"
- Thank you.
You really are a treasure, Saunders!
- Thank you, Madame.
- Do you think this is quite the moment
to announce that we're happily married?
- Now or never.
- Well, put "isn't it fun" after it.
- I don't know how to.
Yes, but it isn't particularly.
Besides he'll think it so facetious.
- It probably will be to him,
he'll roar with laughter.
- Oh, very well.
- Put "have you got a beard yet?"
- Oh wouldn't it be awful if he had!
- Yes, but much less dangerous.
- Is beard masculine or feminine?
- Make it feminine,
he'll appreciate it more.
- All right.
All right, I think that's
all that's necessary for now.
- Yes, finish it off gracefully dear.
We must put that, it's mere politeness.
- Now we'll both sign our names.
Oh, what of Fred and Willy?
- We haven't time to
leave any more letters.
We'll telephone.
- Where from?
- Aberdeen! Come on!
- What do you think of my new hat?
- I hate it.
- It is rather sweet, isn't it.
Saunders, we're leaving a
note for a foreign gentleman
when he calls.
- Very good, Madame.
- All right.
- All right, I'm ready.
- I'm glad!
I'm tremendously glad,
we're doing the right thing.
Don't you feel marvelous?
- No, awful!
- Never mind.
Our better selves have won,
in spite of everything.
- Yes.
- Fore!
- I'm extremely hungry, Julia.
- So am I, ravenous.
- It's getting on for nine.
- I know.
- There's not the least
likelihood of him arriving
at this time.
- He might, especially if
the Paris train were late.
- We don't know whether
he was coming from Paris.
- Where else could he be coming from?
- Don't snap at me, Julia.
He might be coming from the
Channel Islands, or Brussels.
He's frightfully cosmopolitan.
- I'm quite certain that
he's coming from Paris.
- Well, anyway, the idea was
for him to arrive unexpectedly
and discover us dining in
charming domestic surroundings,
not sitting twiddling our thumbs
with eager strained expressions,
with the room decorated
like a Bridal Suite.
- That dear, was not in the best of taste.
- Neither are the flowers.
What have you got there, Saunders?
- Salted almonds, madam.
- Oh, good.
Will you have an almond?
- Well, it may assuage the pangs a little.
- The table looks pretty, doesn't it?
- Lovely, darling.
- I'm sorry I haven't got
a pebble for you to suck
to take away your hunger.
Yes, Saunders, amused?
- Oh, I'm so sorry, Madame.
- You're going to say something.
- Well, if you'll allow me to, Madame.
Pebbles are not sucked to
take away hunger, but thirst.
- Oh yes, I know that all right.
- In hot climates pebbles
are sucked a great deal.
They're sucked by the
nomads in the desert.
- Oh, really now!
I suppose you were in the desert yourself?
- I was, madam.
I was in the desert with the Red Cross.
I also visited several desert stations
when I was with the Foreign Legion.
Pebbles are wonderful for stammerers.
Did you know Demosthenes said.
- Oh, yes, yes, a very fine
philosopher, wasn't he,
a man with a great beard.
- They are also very
helpful with articulation,
are a great help for elocution,
remarkable for developing
the muscles of the tongue,
and the jaw, and certainly.
- Thank you, Saunders, curtain!
- Very good, madam.
- I feel I should be following her around
picking up all the names she's dropped.
It's been the most shattering day.
- I shall never forget your face
when after all that suspense,
the plumber arrived.
- I'm thankful he did, all the same.
- Why?
- Domestic reasons, details unpleasant.
Shall we have a drink?
- Oh, not on empty tummies.
- I shall get deep depression if we don't.
- We shall lapse into silliness
and when Maurice does come
we shall giggle helplessly at
him and our heads will bobble.
- Martinis please, Saunders. Strong ones.
- Oh, Julia!
- Very strong ones.
- Very good, Madame.
- And if one isn't
enough, we shall have two.
- Not on your life!
- If you will allow me to say so, Madame,
several drinks never do any harm.
It is just the first which is dangerous.
After that the damage is done.
- Obviously you speak from experience.
- I used to be a barmaid, madam.
- Well, I never...
All I ask is that she was never an item
in the scandal sheets.
- Julia, Julia, I don't
believe he ever will come.
- Neither do I.
It's probably all an elfin joke.
He was always being elfin.
- So terribly unreliable.
- I wouldn't trust him an inch.
- I never did.
- All the same, he was a darling!
- Adorable, damn him!
- And he doesn't know
many people in England.
- I think he will come.
- So do I.
- And he'll kiss our
hands and look up at us
while he does it, remember?
- I remember all right.
- And then he'll laugh
and show all his teeth.
Many more than a usual.
I say, you know what
we're doing, don't you?
- What?
- Working ourselves up.
We have been all day.
- I know I seem calm.
But I should like to
scream, scream and scream,
and just roll around on the floor.
- So should I, but we
must restrain ourselves.
- It's the want of food.
- That's what it is.
- Don't let's wait any longer.
- All right.
- Martinis, straight-up, with a twist.
- Dinner, please, Saunders.
- And quickly.
- Very good, Madame.
Shall I open the champagne?
- Not yet.
- Oh, yes, yes, open it.
Champagne is a great strengthener.
- Very great, Madame.
You know, when I was younger-
- Of course you've sailed the oceans.
- How ever did you guess, Madame?
- I think perhaps it's something
about the way you walk.
- My walk?
I don't understand what you mean.
- Bit of a maritime gait.
As though to a distant hornpipe, woo.
You may serve dinner now, Saunders.
- Very good, madam.
- If she goes on I shall
throw her through the door.
- Listen, there's a taxi.
- Quick! Quick!
- Yes, yes, before he's at the entrance.
Oh it's too dark, I can't see.
- No, no, he's got a black hat.
- It must be, it must be.
- Oh no, it's the beastly
woman from downstairs.
How dare she drive about in taxis.
- Dinner is served, madam.
Des hutres.
- How lovely of you to
think of oysters, dear.
- They do give a grand feeling.
It's awfully necessary for
us to feel grand tonight.
- Wouldn't it be dreadful if
Fred and Willy came home drunk?
- Whatever do you mean Jane?
To amusing for words.
Yes, of course, frightful.
I'd forgotten it was Saturday.
- Saturday?
- Yes, naturally depressing in
November because of the fog.
- Oh, yes, but only if you pay
your subscription in advance.
Thank you, Saunders, that will be all.
- Very good madam.
- You really must be more careful, Jane.
- I'm sorry, but I quite
forgot she was there.
- I say, wouldn't it be too wonderful
if he arrived suddenly now?
- I should choke.
- You're sure you left a
thoroughly clear message
at your flat in case he went there first?
- Of course.
- We're bound to get the frightful
shock when we do see him.
- Oh I don't really see why.
- He's bound to have
got fat, or gone bald.
- No, he won't have changed.
He wouldn't come at all if he had
because he's far too conceited.
- No, not conceited, a little
vain perhaps, naturally.
- With those eyes who can blame him?
- And those hands.
- And those teeth.
- And those legs!
- Madam, may I present.
- The cushions of the carriages
are always so dusty, I find.
- Yes, and whoever named him Waterfall,
got it absolutely right.
- I have heard that the
worst part of parenting
is the children.
- Yes, and how they know
if an animal is extinct?
Have they looked everywhere?
- Be careful, mesdames, it is quite hot.
- Thank you.
- Would you have some more champagne?
- Oh no, thank you.
- Oh, come on, do.
- Well, tip it up!
- You know, I'm feeling
much better now, aren't you?
- Oh, yes, it's all been
such a wonderful adventure.
- It hasn't started yet.
- Oh, yes, I've enjoyed today enormously.
- Oh, Jane, how can you?
It's been damnable.
- Yes, but it's been so exciting.
And I do love something
to break the monotony.
- Don't be young, Jane.
- You're being very superior, Julia,
but you're just as thrilled as I am.
- I see such blackness
ahead if we're not careful.
- Yes, we mustn't lose our heads.
- Perhaps he won't want us to this time.
- I suddenly have beastly
pangs about Fred and Willy.
- Oh, so have I.
- We're being so disloyal.
- Yes, but only in thought so far.
- My god!
I'll go.
- I'll go.
- My house! My house! My house!
Yes, hallo? It's Park 8720.
It is speaking, is that you, Maurice?
- Uncle Hugo, is that you...
- Oh!
- No, no, I thought it was someone else.
- Oh damn!
- He's playing golf with Willy.
- Oh, damn, damn, damn.
- Shut up, Jane.
No, not you.
Yes, of course I'll tell him.
- He's an old fool.
- I hate all Fred's relations, anyway.
- He's probably gone straight to a hotel,
will have a lovely hot
bath, change his clothes,
and come on here after.
- I wonder.
- He always had a bath
after a journey, remember.
- I hadn't forgotten, dear.
- And he'll wear a soft silk
shirt with his dinner-jacket,
so beautifully careless.
- Oh, Jane, do stop, you're
making me feel dreadful.
- I can see him now, threading
his way between the tables
outside Florian's on the Piazza San Marco.
We used to stroll languidly
along the Grand Canal
and take our gondola
for the nightly serenata
and we'd lie back and look up at the stars
and darling little men would
just pour out their souls
in the most shattering tenor voices.
- Ah, la bella serenata.
- And we would glide through
the secret little canals
until we suddenly came
out into the big lagoon
behind Venice, away from everywhere.
And Maurice would take me in his arms
and the world seemed to go-
- Madame For your enjoyment,
may I present Tournedos
and Pommes Dauphin.
- The worst of a circus is,
I'm always terrified that
they ill-treat the animals.
- Yes and they say Uncle Harry's
not a missionary anymore.
- Who decided white was the
best color for undergarments?
- Yes, I often wonder if
the ocean would be deeper
were it not for the sponges.
- Voila!
- I hope you haven't forgotten
the sauce Bearnaise, Saunders?
- No, Madame, it's just here.
- Oh, I'm sure it'll be most delicious.
- More champagne?
- All right.
- Pull yourself together, Jane.
Saunders, leave the potatoes
and answer the door.
- Very good, Madame.
Eat a little soft bread, Madame.
- Go on eat the bread.
Saunders told you to,
and she knows everything.
- I'm all right I'm
better, all better now.
- It's a foreign gentleman, Madame.
- Why didn't you show him in?
- Well, he says he won't come in.
He only wants to know if
there's a Madame Gambilitti
living here.
- Is it some sort of code?
- Maybe. What's he like?
- Well, he's quite respectable, Madame,
with a long mustache.
- Come on, Jane, we'll peep.
Let me first.
No, it isn't him.
Why didn't you tell him there
was no Madame Whatshername
and get rid of him?
- You said you were expecting
a foreign gentleman, Madame,
and I thought I'd better keep him in case.
- Well, get rid of him now.
- Very good, Madame.
- Well it's downright
cruel, is what it is.
- It's the first time that
anybody not aggressively English
has rung that bell since we came here!
- Because of his beastly Madame
Gambilitti of all nights.
Indecent!
- Here, let's have some more champagne?
- No, thank you.
- Don't shout.
- I shall shout if I like, Julia.
You mustn't be so bossy.
- Here, let's have a toast!
No, a toast.
- Maurice Duclos.
- Maurice Duclos!
No heel taps!
- Well, that was silly of us.
- Cut your steak.
- Julia, wouldn't it be
awful if a tree blew down
and killed Fred and
Willy on the golf links?
- Oh Jane, how can you?
- It would serve us right.
- No, it would be too awful.
I should never forgive myself.
- Neither should I.
- But if a frightful gale started up.
A deadly wind.
- Yes, wind.
Such things do happen.
- No, they don't, not if
you don't think about them.
It's mind over matter.
- Julia, I do admire you,
because you're so strong and sensible.
- Nonsense, dear, it's just
that I'm not afraid of life.
- You're brave.
- But no braver than you, Jane darling.
- We must both be brave always.
- We must be brave
always, whatever happens.
- Even if Fred and Willy were killed.
We should have to bear it.
- That's right, Jane darling,
we wouldn't break down,
would we?
We'd face the world with a smile.
- Maybe not quite a smile,
we might be misunderstood.
- My poor darling Fred, I can see Fred now
being carried in on a stretcher.
- And there's Willy on another stretcher.
- Madam, may I present,
Profiteroles au chocolat.
- I don't want any more,
because I've had enough.
- Well so have I, but we must go on,
it will keep up our strength.
- Oh, they look lovely.
Tinker, tailor, soldier, spy...
- No, you do that with cherrystones.
- I like doing it with these.
Lovely squidgy - More champagne?
- No, thank you.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
- Do you know, the silly part is,
that I'm now beginning to feel sleepy.
- I'm not, I just feel cozy.
- No, I'm terribly, terribly sleepy.
Saunders, would you bring
in the coffee please?
- Very good, Madame.
- Julia, Saunders is such a pretty girl.
- She is, isn't she?
She's a very pretty girl...
- She ought to do very good
in life because she's so calm.
- What are you laughing at?
- You look awfully funny.
- What's the matter with me?
- I don't know, you just do.
- Well, so do you.
- It's our heads, I think.
They're much too big.
- Oh right, they're gargantuan.
- They're mammoth.
- That's 'cos we've
had too much champagne.
- Oh, much too much.
- I'm beginning to feel
very warm and comfortable.
- Yes, so am I.
I feel absolutely splendid.
A child could play with me.
- My turn!
My turn!
My turn!
- It must be him this time.
- I'll sit on the edge of
the sofa I'll sit here.
- Hallo!
- Well, he is not deaf.
- Yes, this is Park 8724.
- No, it isn't.
No, it isn't.
- Keep quiet, I can't hear.
- Do look on the thing.
- No, it isn't, it isn't, it's 8720.
Oh they've cut off Julia.
It's a trunk call, what am I to do?
Exchange, hallo?
- Go on, put back the receiver.
- No it will only go on
ringing and ringing and ringing
if I do.
Exchange, hello?
- Oh, give it to me for heaven's sake.
- Hallo, Hallo?
Let me have my...
Let me talk to him.
Give me the phone.
- No Julia, I've got it.
- Hallo?
No, no it's the wrong number.
No, I'm not, I'm somebody quite different.
Oh, do shut up then.
Oh, what a shame!
Why on earth did you?
Why on earth did you say
we were Park 8724 for?
You ought to know the number by now.
- I couldn't help it, dear,
because he jumped at me.
- Don't fib.
You were all in a flutter
because you thought it was Maurice.
- I was as calm as a cucumber.
I wish you wouldn't follow me around.
Stop it!
Stop it!
Stop it!
Stop it!
Stop it.
Stop it.
Stop it.
Stop it.
Stop it.
- Well why on earth you said
it was 8724 I can't imagine.
- I told you I couldn't help it.
- Oh don't argue, Jane, when
one's been stupid over anything
it's much better not to argue.
- Oh stupid indeed! I like that!
Why, if you...
Oh, it's ringing.
Oh, isn't it pretty!
It's like the bells of San Marco.
- Leave it to me.
- It's gotta be him.
- Hallo? No, it's that wrong number again.
Oh, it'll probably go on ringing all night
because you said it was Park 8720.
- I didn't, I said Park 8724.
- Jane, how can you?
You said 8720.
- It is 8720.
- No, it isn't.
- Look on the thing.
- Oh I shall go mad,
that's all, and it will serve you right.
- Stop it ringing.
Stop it ringing.
- Stop it.
- Coffee, madame?
- I don't care what happens
now, I'm just past everything.
- No, no, have some coffee?
- Thank you.
- Liqueur?
- That would be ridiculous.
- Cordial Medoc, Saunders.
- Shall we have it in tumblers?
- I ordered it specially.
It rounds off the dinner so nicely.
- Oh, it certainly will.
- Here we are, madam.
- Thank you, Saunders.
That will do now.
- Very good, Madame.
- Oh, it's terribly strong.
- Yes, it's supposed to
make one feel rather.
- Have some fruit?
- Oh no, I couldn't.
- Oh, come on, do.
It rounds off the dinner so nicely.
- For heaven's sake stop
rounding off the dinner,
it's getting on my nerves.
- Well don't be temperamental.
- Do you think it would matter
if I just took off my shoes?
- No, not at all.
Good manners in Japan, I believe.
- If Maurice had any
instincts he'd arrive now,
just looking marvelous.
- And make the most lovely
sort of baffled scene.
- What would baffle him?
- Us of course, because
we'd be so gloriously aloof
and stately.
- I shouldn't be aloof.
I should give in without a murmur.
- Then he'd want me more.
- If you think that's the way to make him,
you'd better encourage me.
- You don't need any encouraging.
- What do does that mean?
- What I say.
- Oh, yes of course.
- Anyway, Jane, I should never allow you
to cheapen yourself.
- How dare you!
- How dare I what?
- Insult me.
- I didn't insult you.
- You did, you went too far.
What you said was beyond a joke.
- It wasn't meant to be a joke.
I hate jokes, bitterly.
- Then you meant what I said?
- Meant what?
- How can anyone carry on
a conversation with you
when you keep on saying
what, what, what, what, what,
what, what all the time?
If you can't say what I grasp,
then you'd better go to bed.
- That was exceedingly rude of you, Jane.
- You're annoying me, Julia.
- Unfortunately, this
happens to be my flat.
- Never mind, you'll
get used to it in time.
- You're too clever.
- Don't say that, makes me
sound like a pickpocket.
- Oh stop bickering, Jane.
- How can I stop bickering
when you sit there abusing me?
- I never abused you.
- Yes, you did.
You insinuated that I was brazen.
- Well, so you are brazen, sometimes.
We all are, it's human nature
to be brazen sometimes.
- Nothing of the sort.
- Oh, do stop contradicting
everything I say.
It's infuriating me now.
- Who was it who wouldn't
leave London today?
- Why should I want to leave London today?
Oh, that was good.
I'm very, very disappointed in you, Jane.
I thought you had a nicer mind than that.
- Oh, I suppose you think your mind
is a lovely gift basket
filled with mixed fruit
with a bow on top?
- Well, it's better
than an old sardine tin
with a few fins left in it.
- Oh you'll regret that remark
in your soberer moments.
- Here, have a cigarette.
- Thank you.
- Light?
- No, thank you.
You got put it over here a little bit.
- Clever.
- Put it up there a little bit.
- Why is it so far away?
- Put it up there a little bit.
- Up there?
- Put it down there.
- One more time.
- Put it over there.
I had such an amusing letter
from Aunt Harriet this morning.
- Oh, did you? Did you?
I thought she was dead.
- I think you must be muddling
her up with someone else.
- Go on, dear.
Tell me some more news.
I love you when you're offended.
- I'm not offended, a little hurt perhaps,
and surprised at how disappointed I am.
- How dare you draw yourself up
and become the outraged hostess with me!
- I'm sorry, I must have
lost my sense of humor.
Perhaps because I'm tired.
You and I been together so much lately,
I think we're grating
on one another's nerves.
- You're right.
Now tell me, where are my shoes?
- Well, I really don't know.
They can't have gone far, can they?
- I should like to shake
you, shake you and shake you
and shake you until your eyes drop out.
- Indeed?
- When you're superior and grand like that
you rouse the very worst in me.
- Obviously.
- I'd like to rush up and down Bond Street
with one of your tiny heads on a pole.
- I should think it would be as well
for you to pull yourself together
and I'll ask Saunders to see
you upstairs to your flat.
- If she comes near me
I shall throttle her.
- I've never actually
seen you violent before.
It's very interesting psychologically.
- Oh, it's pompous.
I could bring you down to
earth with a thump if I liked.
- What vulgarity!
- This is not vulgarity.
It's something I was more
ashamed of than vulgarity,
but I'm not ashamed of it any more, Julia.
I've kept something from you.
- I wish you'd go home, Jane.
- I must have realized all along
that you were going to
turn out false and beastly.
- What are you talking about?
- Never you mind what I'm talking about.
Now tell me, where are my shoes?
- Never mind your shoes.
You tell me what you mean?
- Give me my shoes.
- They're probably under the
table, where you left them.
Now you'd better get them and go.
- And now I'm glad that
I did keep it to myself.
- When you're properly shod, I
thank you so much for coming.
- I suppose you're still
too grand to be curious
when it concerns Maurice.
- Oh, it concerns Maurice, does it?
- Yes, I thought that would rouse you.
- I think you'd better tell me
if you don't want to wreck
our friendship forever.
- It most certainly will
wreck our friendship.
Wreck our friendship, wreck our friendship
when I do tell you,
Julia, and I don't care.
I know where he is.
- It's a lie.
- No, it's true.
He telephoned me while
I was dressing tonight.
- Jane!
- Yes, I didn't want to tell you
because I thought it would
have hurt your feelings.
But now I know that you haven't
got any feelings to hurt.
Only a shallow sort of social vanity.
- Where is he, then?
You tell me now.
- I shall do nothing of the sort.
I don't want you to rush round there
and make a fool of yourself.
- Oh. How dare you!
How dare you!
You're utterly completely contemptible.
If it's true, you're
a sniveling hypocrite!
If it's false, you're a bare-faced liar!
There's nothing to choose between you!
Please go at once!
- Certainly I shall!
And it may interest you to know
that I'm going straight to Maurice!
- Liar.
- It's true. And I shall
go away with him at once.
And you and Fred and Willy can go to hell,
the lot of you!
- No!
No!
No!
No! Jane.
No!
Saunders, you may clear away now.
It was delicious.
Any little fish can swim
Any little bird can fly
Any little dog
Or any little cat
Can do a bit of this
And just a bit of that
Any little horse can neigh
And any little cow can moo
But I can't do anything at all
But just love you
Any little cock can crow
Any little fox can run
Any little crab
On any little shore
Can have a little dab
And then a little more
Any little owl can hoot
Any any little dove can coo
But I can't do anything at all
That I can't do anything at all
But just love you
- Ugh.
- Yes, Madam?
- When I say a soft-boiled egg,
I don't mean an un-boiled egg.
- Oof, positively embryonic.
You know, I once worked at a chicken-
- No. No.
There was also a long brown
hair in the marmalade.
- Was there, madam?
- Oh I haven't the remotest
idea how it got there
as we are both not brunettes.
Perhaps it was Mr. Smucker's.
- Yes, Madame.
- Anyway, in future please
search the marmalade.
- Very good, Madame.
- I'm inclined against the
theory that it was Mr. Smucker's
as there was also a hair in the milk
you've just brought in.
- Good gracious!
- See for yourself.
- Oh, my!
- Perhaps it came from the milkman?
- No, I don't think so, Madame.
- Why not?
- The milkman is bald.
- That's sanitary.
- It's a mystery, Madame.
- It's no mystery, it's
milk I cannot drink.
- Very good, Madame.
You know, I think I have
just the right thing
for your little hangover, madam.
- What's that?
- One moment.
I think you'll find this
an excellent remedy.
- What have you got there?
- A tonic.
- Oh no, I couldn't possibly!
- Oh yes, madam, please,
just try a little.
Do you know when I was
entertaining the troops?
- Oh, all right. All right, ssh, ssh.
- How do you feel, madam?
- I say, Saunders, it's
doing me good already.
- I knew it would.
- Good morning, Julia.
- Thank you, Saunders, that will be all.
- Very good, madam.
- What on earth are you doing here?
Where's Fred?
- I left him at the
Grand Hotel, Chichester.
- Where's Jane?
- Don't you know?
- I haven't the faintest idea.
She might be anywhere by now.
- What do you mean by now?
Just by now.
What's the matter?
- Nothing.
- What's happened?
- Oh, probably everything by now.
- What are you talking about?
- Oh, don't be tiresome, Willy!
- Well, I made sure
Jane would be with you.
Where's she gone?
- Stop cross-questioning me.
Anyone would think I'd murdered her
and put her in a box or something.
- Well, from the furtive
way you're behaving
I shouldn't be in the least surprised.
- Well, what about you?
What do you mean by leaving Fred alone
at the Grand Hotel, Chichester?
- We had a row over golf.
- Oh, did you!
- Yes, Fred infuriated me.
- I'm very sorry.
I'll speak to him severely.
- Thank you.
And I felt I couldn't bear
to meet him at breakfast
and go all over it again,
so I crept out and left
by the early train.
- What did you row about?
- Nothing.
- That's the worst kind.
- Have you quarreled with Jane?
- Yes, bitterly.
- About what?
- Nothing.
- Oh!
- We got drunk.
- What?
- Extremely drunk.
- Julia!
- Well, Jane was much worse
than I was, and we quarreled.
- I can't go away for a quiet game of golf
without you making Jane drunk.
- I didn't make her.
She was filling her boots, trust me.
- Oh, disgusting, I call it.
- She banged out of the flat.
- Where is she now?
- I don't know, and I don't care.
- Don't be callous, Julia.
- She's probably upstairs
in bed sleeping it off.
- She isn't.
I've just been there.
- I thought you came straight here.
- No, I had a large bag and golf clubs.
- Are you sure that Jane isn't at home?
- Perfectly, but I didn't worry
because I thought she'd be with you.
- Then it was true.
- What was true?
- Oh!
Oh!
- What in God's name's the matter?
- I was going to ring her up
and try to make friends again.
I didn't believe for a moment that.
I never thought.
Oh!
- Never believed what?
- She must have been steadily deceiving me
all through dinner.
How dare she!
Oh, oh, oh!
- Julia, will you stop still
and explain what's happened?
- I'll stop still and explain!
Oh yes, I'll explain all right.
The sly, underhanded little.
- Will you please remember
that you are referring to my wife.
- Your wife. Huh! Optimist!
- Julia!
- Oh Willy, my poor, poor Willy.
- You're maddening me, Julia.
- To think that she could behave like this
after all these years, I
Think it's contemptible!
- What's happened to Jane?
Where has she gone?
- I should like to break
it to you gently, Willy.
She's gone off with a man.
- What!
Never.
- A Frenchman.
- Nonsense, she can't have.
- I tell you she has.
- I don't believe it.
You're unhinged.
- I'm perfectly hinged.
It's true.
- I'm sorry, Julia,
but I don't believe it.
I know Jane too well.
She'd never rush off like
that at a moment's notice.
- She knew where he was all
the time, and she went to him.
- She was pulling your leg.
- Don't be so pig-headed, Willy.
This is one of the few
big moments in your life,
and you're behaving like a ninny.
- If you think stamping
up and down the room
and slandering Jane is
a big moment in my life
you're very much mistaken.
- But it's true!
She's known him for years.
She was in love with him
before she married you,
before she met you.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- Your smug complacency is beyond belief.
I suppose you think that
no woman would ever dare
to leave you?
- Jane couldn't, she'd hate it.
- You're going to have
a shattering awakening.
- I say, Julia, don't
go on ramping any more.
Just calm down and explain things quietly.
I'll pour myself out
some coffee, if I may.
Now, you and Jane are pals, remember?
You always say.
- Pals.
- Oh.
- What's up now?
- Oh, I'm a beast.
I'm a traitress.
- No, you're not.
You'll be better in a moment.
- But Willy, I'm sorry,
but what I told you just
now was true, Willy.
- Yes, I'm trying hard to understand.
I can't help feeling that
there's something awfully silly
behind all this.
It doesn't seem to ring true.
- I suppose you think I'm playing
an amusing practical joke on you?
- It wouldn't surprise me one
bit, but if it's not that,
you've either deceived
yourself into believing it
or else you're making a mistake.
- But, Willy.
- If Jane really had left me,
I know I should have some
sort of feeling about it,
but I haven't.
- Well, that'll come later.
- Who is this man she's
supposed to be with?
- He's a Frenchman.
Maurice Duclos.
We both knew him before we married.
- Did you know him well?
- Extremely well.
- And Jane?
Was Jane in love with him then?
- Yes, violently.
We both were.
- Did you, er, did you?
- Yes, Willy.
- Where?
- Pisa.
- And did Jane ever?
- Yes, Willy.
- Oh good God, where?
- Venice.
And Florence.
And Florence.
- This is horrible, This is terrible.
- Willy, I'm sorry.
- No save your apologies for Fred.
I'm going to find Jane.
- Well, then, I'm coming with you, Willy.
- And she's seeing this man
since we've been married?
- No.
At least, I don't know.
She's such a liar.
- When did you last see him?
- Nine years ago on the
railway station at Pisa.
We were both going to Paris together,
and at the last moment I
wanted a salami sandwich.
And as he hated garlic we had a row.
He was far too temperamental, anyway,
so I pushed him out onto the platform
just as the train was starting.
I regretted it bitterly at
the time, but now I'm glad.
I'm glad I did.
- I think you ought to
be ashamed of yourself.
- I didn't push him very hard.
- I don't mean about that.
I mean the whole affair.
- Willy, are you daring
to disapprove of me?
- Yes, you're devoid of
the slightest moral sense.
- Well what about Jane?
- Well Jane is different.
She's just weak.
You probably set her a bad example.
- I set her a bad example!
- I wouldn't mind betting
you met the beastly man first
and then told Jane all about
it and generally egged her on.
You've always been an awful influence.
- She didn't need any egging.
She met him and was off to the races.
She never told you, did you?
- Oh, she was probably
too ashamed and repentant.
- Repentant my foot!
- Anyhow, it's more than you are.
You're positively glorying in your shame!
- If I'd known what a
smug little man you were
I'd never have let Jane marry you anyway.
- And if I'd known how much.
- If I'd known how
utterly lacking you were
in all the finer feelings
I'd never have let Fred come near you.
- I should think it would be
as well to stop hurling abuse
at me and go in search of your weak
but strictly virtuous wife.
Who, if she hasn't succeeded
in finding Maurice Duclos,
is probably staggering about the streets
in deep evening dress and hiccupping.
- You must come with me.
- I shall do no such thing.
- You said you would.
- That was before your insults to me.
- I am truly sorry.
But please come. She can't have gone far.
- Judging by her condition
when she left this flat
last night, she might have gone further
than our wildest dreams.
- Please come, Julia.
- I'll come up to your flat.
She may have left a note or something.
- I never thought of that.
- Wait a moment.
- I say, Julia, I'm sorry
for what I said just now.
- And so you ought to be.
- But I still don't believe it all quite.
- I want to make one thing
perfectly clear to you.
I'm not coming with you
because I wish to help you.
I'm coming because I wish to find Jane
and tell her exactly what I think of her.
- I say, Julia, don't be beastly to her.
She's probably feeling pretty awful.
- I don't care if she's feeling heavenly,
she won't be when I've finished with her.
- Julia.
Julia!
Julia!
- Hallo!
No, she's not in, Sir.
When will she be back?
Well, I don't know, sir,
she didn't say, sir.
Yes, sir.
What name, sir?
One moment, sir.
All right.
Maurice Duclos, Park 9264.
Bien, Monsieur.
Au revoir, Monsieur.
- Saunders!
- Oh, sir!
What a start you gave me.
- Where's the mistress?
- She's gone out, sir.
- Gone out?
But it's bucketing down.
- Yes, sir.
- Where's she gone?
- I don't know, sir.
- She's up visiting with
Mrs. Banbury, I expect.
Run up, will you, and
tell her I've come back?
- Very good, sir.
What number is it, sir?
- Number 5, two flights up.
- Very good, sir.
- Good heavens!
- What?
- Have you been out all night?
- Yes.
- Lucky for you I left
Willy at Chichester.
- Oh, you did you?
- Yes, sleeping like a hog.
I left early in the car.
- Why?
- Well, as a matter of fact,
we had rather a row last night.
Forgive me saying so, your
husband is a fool sometimes.
- Really?
I've always found him
extremely intelligent.
- Where have you been?
- Mind your own business.
- Well don't jump down my throat.
It was quite a harmless question.
- I object to your dictatorial tone.
- Well, to come in dressed
like that at eleven o'clock
in the morning.
- If I choose to come
in naked on a tricycle,
it's no affair of yours.
Where's Julia?
- I don't know, she went
out before I arrived.
- Out? Out where?
- I haven't the faintest idea.
I thought she'd probably be with you.
- The mistress isn't
at Mrs. Banbury's, sir.
- Oh!
- Don't look so startled, Saunders.
You left the door open, so I walked in.
- Yes, madam.
- Saunders, what time
did the mistress go out?
- Just before you came in, sir.
- Was she alone?
- No, sir, there was a gentleman with her.
- A what?
- A gentleman, Madame.
- Who was it?
- I don't know, sir.
He didn't leave any name.
He just walked straight in.
- What was he like?
- Like a man.
Like a man, regular man.
Medium height, attractive.
- Oh, was he.
- Why, what's the matter?
- I'm extremely sorry for you, Fred.
Extremely sorry for you.
- That will do, Saunders.
- Yes, sir.
Shall I retrieve your golf clubs?
- Yes. Now then, Jane, what do you mean?
- Don't speak to me for a moment.
Just don't speak to me.
I'm trying to control myself.
- What's all this mystery about?
- There is no mystery,
I'm afraid, any more.
It's all far too clear.
- Now then, Jane, tell me at once.
What's happened?
- Fred, you'll know all too soon enough.
Julia was my friend.
I have no intention of being disloyal.
- Jane, tell me what's happened!
- I can't possibly.
Julia may be double-faced, treacherous,
and thoroughly immoral.
But I repeat, she was my friend.
- Oh, I see it all now.
You had a row last night, too.
- Yes, we did.
- What about?
- I don't know.
Julia spoke rather indistinctly.
- Do you know where she's gone now?
- I have a shrewd suspicion,
but my lips are sealed.
- Tell me at once.
- I can't possibly Fred.
Oh no!
Oh no!
- What's the matter now?
- So she knew.
All along it was on the telephone pad.
- Knew what?
- How dare she.
How dare she.
It's contemptible.
It's... Oh, oh the
sneaking hypocrite.
Oh, the despicable squalor of it all.
To be deceived like that
by one's best friend,
and for such a sordid purpose.
Oh!
Oh!
- Maurice? Who is this?
- Don't speak to me.
Don't speak to me.
- What does this mean?
- It means that Julia has deserted you.
- Deserted me?
- She's gone off with that
Frenchman, Maurice Duclos.
She's known him for years.
Long before you were married in Italy.
- You're as mad as a bag of frogs.
- No, I'm terribly sane.
- But you surely don't
expect me to believe
that Julia would leave me
suddenly without rhyme or reason?
- She'd do anything.
She hasn't a single scruple
or a pang of conscience anywhere.
She'd lie, slander, forge,
thieve, murder, anything.
There's no crime she wouldn't touch.
She's a thorough out and
bad lot, she.
- Oh, pull yourself together, Jane.
You're overwrought because
you've had a row with Julia.
- Go away, go away and leave me alone.
- You know perfectly well you like her
more than anyone else in
the world, and always will.
- Stop, Fred, stop!
- She's probably feeling
just as bad as you are
this very moment.
- Not she. She's far too
busy having a wonderful time.
- Jane, do please control yourself.
- I came back here even before going home,
because I wanted to make up with her.
I've had a wretched night
all by myself in a hotel
in Bayswater.
- Why on earth Bayswater?
- Because the taxi man took me there.
Fred, Fred, I'll tell you everything.
It's awful.
Before we were married
we both had an affair
with the same man, and
he's come to England,
and we were terrified we'd
fall in love with him again
so we worked ourselves up and
got terribly drunk and waited.
And after dinner Julia got grand
and she ordered me out of the house,
so I pretended I knew where he was
and was going straight to him,
and I went to the
Granville Hotel, Bayswater.
- Was he there?
- Was he there?
- Yes.
- No, of course he wasn't.
- Where is he then?
- He's with Julia.
- Ridiculous!
I don't believe a word of it.
- Nothing of the sort.
His name is there, in capitals
on the telephone block,
and Saunders saw her go out with a man.
- You say you both knew him in Italy
before you were married?
- Yes, Fred.
- And you both?
- Yes, Fred.
- Oh.
Well, don't stand there
and say "Yes, Fred!"
- Well, it's true, Fred.
- You appall me absolutely!
Your dreadful matter-of-fact callousness.
"Yes, Fred."
Oh, the horror.
- Don't be so melodramatic.
- Melodramatic?
It's beyond the pale!
I suppose you feel proud of yourself,
having led Julia into this
blackguard's clutches.
- Led her, that's funny.
- Yes, led her deliberately.
You've got a depraved mind.
- And you are insufferable and pompous.
Just because you like
to wallow in quagmire,
you think that everyone else
likes wallow in a quagmire.
- Jane, don't be ridiculous.
You ought to be humble and ashamed
instead of belligerent and proud.
- Humble and ashamed!
Do you expect me to believe
you led a model life
before marriage?
- That's beside the point.
- No, it isn't.
Julia would never have
married you if you did.
You'd have been far too
dull and inexperienced at-
- Jane, really?
- Anyway, it's no use going
on anymore, it's just stupid.
The great thing is what
are you going to do now?
- Do! I'm going to find Julia.
- How nice for you that will be.
- And you're coming with me.
- Oh no, I'm not.
I've had quite enough of Julia to last me
for the rest of my life.
- Fred!
- Jane!
- Julia!
- Willy!
- Where have you been?
- Oh it was you who went
out with Julia and not.
- Good morning, Jane.
- Oh, Julia, I've said something awful.
- I'm not at all surprised.
- How did you get up here?
- I left by the early train.
- Julia, I haven't been where you thought.
I've been all by myself
at a hotel in Bayswater.
- What?
- I came back here to
find you and found Fred.
Saunders said she'd seen
you go out with a man,
and I found that on the telephone pad.
- I want to get this all
cleared up now please.
Willy, what has Julia told you?
- About Jane and a sniveling
Frenchman in Venice.
- Julia!
- What's Jane told you?
- About Julia and a Frenchman in Pisa.
- Well, I'll never, never speak
to you again in all my life.
- It's not true!
Any of it!
It's all a joke.
We made it up between us to have a joke
It's a joke.
- She's lying.
Julia, tell me the truth.
- Certainly I will.
It's all a fuss about nothing.
Jane and I have been perfectly
faithful to you both always.
- Before marriage?
- Well, we couldn't be faithful
to you before we met you.
- Enough, is this Frenchman story true?
- Jane, forgive me,
forgive me for everything.
We've got to stand together now.
- Pals above honor.
- Alright.
Listen, Willy.
- Fred, listen.
- Madam, for your enjoyment.
Monsieur Maurice Duclos.
- Julia!
- Oh dear.
- Jane!
- Julia.
- I fear I may go mad.
- Willy, may I present
Monsieur Duclos, my husband.
- That is me.
- How do you do?
- Maurice, this is my husband.
- How do you do?
I had no idea.
I haven't seen Julia for so long.
- Oh-ho!
But when did you see Jane?
- I beg your pardon?
- Shut up, Willy.
- You speak English very well now.
- Yes, nine years.
It seems like yesterday.
- Do you think we've changed?
- Oh, not at all.
I met your wife abroad, years ago.
It is so strange renewing old friendships.
- Damned strange.
- Willy!
- My first day in London and look at it.
Having a storm.
- I should like to have
a little chat with you,
Monsieur Duclos, there are
several things I want explained.
- I look forward to it.
- Look here, I can't
stand this any longer!
Look here, you've arrived
at a very opportune moment.
We have just discovered.
- What have you discovered?
- Oh, it has succeeded
beyond our wildest dreams!
- What do you mean?
- Too cruel of us to
ask Maurice here today,
to help us out as an old friend...
- Yes, to be a pawn in
our romantic chess game.
- Whatever are they on about?
- It was cruel of you to
ask me here this morning
without warning me.
It was cruel of you.
It would serve you right
if I gave you away.
- You needn't trouble.
They've already done that for themselves.
- Please, please tell them the truth now.
It places me in such an
embarrassing position.
- No, Maurice, please, please. You do it.
You tell them the truth
about the wonderful joke
we had planned for them and why.
- Yes, please do, go now.
- I'm afraid we already know the truth.
Nothing much more to be said.
- Do you love your wife, monsieur?
- Mind your own business.
- What do you mean?
What are you getting at?
- I have your permission
to speak about the joke?
- Yes, please do.
- Well, I am afraid it has all been rather
what you would call a "put-up job."
- Put-up job?
- Yes, you see I have known Jane and Julia
for a very long while,
we are great friends.
They confide in me.
- The hell they do!
- It would make it much easier monsieur
if you were not so angry.
I give you my word there
is nothing to worry about.
- I'm glad you think so.
We have rather a different
sense of values in England.
- Hear, hear!
- An obvious remark, monsieur,
and not very much to the point.
- What is the point?
- Had not the suspicion
ever crossed your minds
that here in England the
husbands take their wives
a little too much for granted sometimes?
- So they ought to.
- Certainly.
- It is a little dull for the wives.
In France, of course, it is
all arranged so differently.
There are so many diversions.
- What are you trying to say?
- Perhaps Jane and Julia
require a little more attention
than you are prepared to give?
- Rubbish!
- But it isn't rubbish, is it, Julia?
- Certainly not.
- You've been married for how long now?
- Seven years.
- What I want to know is
this revolting story's true.
Is it or isn't it?
- What revolting story?
- Oh, we told a teensy porky pie
about how we were both
intimate with you years ago.
- A porky?
- A lie.
- But of course it is.
We made a plan, Julia, Jane and myself.
- Damn impudent!
- Now well you see, seven
years brings one rather
to a critical matrimonial
period as a rule.
The first romance is over.
Everything seems slightly gauche.
Our plan was to rouse you up
to a sense of your
romantic responsibilities.
Don't you see?
- Yes, remember our
conversation yesterday morning?
- And ours?
- Oh don't go on being cross Fred,
it's all such ridiculous nonsense.
- I don't understand at all.
- We've muddled it up so fearfully.
- Or at least you did by
coming home unexpectedly.
It's taken all the wind out of our sails.
- Jane was going to break it to Fred
that I'd run off with Maurice,
and I was going to break it to Willy
that she'd run off with Maurice.
- As it was you appeared much too early,
before we were properly rehearsed.
It's all such ridiculous nonsense.
- Please forgive us.
- Well, that's what you were
hinting at yesterday morning
when you said that you had a presentiment
and that I didn't love you anymore?
- Yes.
- Hang on a minute.
- Oh yes, yes, she was paving the way.
That's what she was doing.
- Oh yes, it's cleared the air.
They were much too sure of us.
Much, much, much, much, much too.
- That's enough, Julia, that's enough.
- Maurice, will you have a drink?
Fred is still too
flurried to be hospitable.
- I'm sorry, it never struck me
shocking lack of manners.
Whiskey?
- No thank you.
I too have a surprise.
I came here today for my own reasons.
I have taken the flat exactly
above this one for a year.
I say, would you ladies help
me with some fabric choosing?
The wrong curtains are a
dire warning in a flat.
- So true.
Jane, pull yourself together.
- Perhaps you'd all come up.
It's a bit untidy at
present, but you won't mind?
- No thanks. I've got to change.
- They're sending for the
patterns back in a few hours.
Could you come now?
- We could indeed.
- Now look here, Julia...
- Would you rather I didn't, Fred?
I'm glad to stay here.
- No, no, I suppose it's all right.
Look, I must apologize to
you for being so boorish.
It was all very puzzling.
- Oh, Fred, you're a darling.
Come on, Jane.
- Together?
- Together.
- Will you all lunch with me today?
It is so dull being alone.
- Yes, it will be very
nice, we'd be delighted.
- Now look here, I want-
- Shut up, Willy.
- Come along, Maurice.
We won't be more than a
bit, choosing the patterns.
- Darling, I don't quite see why...
- Now it's getting tiresome, Willy
- But.
- No more buts Willy.
- Oh, you know, it's damned funny.
It really is.
- What?
- The way we arrived and
spoiled their little game.
- Now look here, Fred.
- Have a drink?
- All right.
- You never know what Jane
and Julia will do next
when they start analyzing everything
and having presentiments and what not.
- It isn't what they'll do next.
It's what they did last.
Thank you.
- You know, I don't think
he's at all a bad chap,
that Frenchman.
- I wouldn't trust him an inch.
- Of course not, he's French.
But the girls, so easily
rattled, and the lies they told.
- You seem to have completely
wiped it from your mind.
The whole thing about Italy.
- I never believed Jane in the first
when she told me that lurid story.
- It seems very queer to me still.
- Oh, dry up.
- But it does.
Even if they'd got away with their scheme,
what good would it have done them?
- Made us jealous.
- Don't be an abject fool, Fred.
They're bluffing,
they're up to shenanigans
like when they were at school.
The whole damned thing's
true from beginning to end.
I'm sure of it.
- Why?
- I've never seen Jane
hysterical like that before.
Would a silly joke make her so?
- Are you serious?
You know how women are when
they get a bee in their bonnets.
They're fine.
They're right upstairs...
- My point exactly.
Alone, with him.
Well, Willy, I.