Falling for Figaro (2020) Movie Script

Bravo! Whoo!
- Incredible show.
- I'm glad you liked it.
I was worried you wouldn't
be able to connect
with a 19th century opera
in a foreign language.
- Why would you think that?
- Silly me.
Are you coming to bed?
No. I have some emails to send.
Do you mind?
Hey, whatever you like.
Just don't stay up too late.
It's a big day tomorrow for you.
Fucking huge.
And you're gonna
absolutely smash it.
I'm gonna be making
more money than you.
Yes, you will, damn it.
Oh-oh. What a thought!
You bloody love it, don't you?
Oh, I'm gonna make you
rue the day you hired me.
"Rue the day"?
That's very sexy.
Sure you don't want to send
those emails in the morning?
I'm sure.
Thoroughly Magnificent Millie.
I think that maybe comes close
to describing
our brilliant young
a woman who has elevated
fund management to a sublime...
No, no, let me correct myself,
to a sacred level.
And our clients' faith in Millie
challenges religion itself.
It is a faith beyond faith.
I hope I'm not being
too restrained.
People say I'm very grudging
with my praise.
- Absolutely.
- But it's over to you, magnificent one.
Well, first, I'd like to thank
our esteemed leader
for his restrained
and grudging remarks.
Um, I've been incredibly lucky.
I'm lucky to have joined
this firm.
I'm lucky to have had you all
as my teammates.
And I am humbled,
truly humbled
to have you ask me to head up
this bold and inspiring
new initiative.
I'm going to decline.
I'm saying no.
Is she serious?
What the hell are you doing?
Charlie, look,
it's not who I want to be.
- It's not who I am.
- Who do you think you are, then?
- That's for me to figure out.
- Please, let me suggest something.
It's not too late.
I can explain to Victor
you're having
a bad reaction to the pills.
- What pills?
- Anti-depressants or whatever.
- I'm not depressed.
- The whole world's depressed.
- You must take something.
- You mean like vitamin pills?
One way or another, you're not
in a calm state of mind, Millie!
Darling, let's just talk
about it at home, all right?
Love you!
It's not
about us, Charlie.
I've never felt better about us.
There's just something I've
always wanted to do, that's all.
Which involves
throwing away your career?
I don't know.
What if I have just done
the most stupid thing
I ever possibly could've done?
Would it really make
that big a difference to you?
Would you still love me?
Well, it seems to me that,
without a job
or any real career prospects,
you'd probably have more time
available for creative sex.
There you go.
Always looking
on the bright side.
Get you in some leather, a bit of S&M.
By the way, what is it
you've always wanted to do?
Later. I'm really tired.
I've always wanted to be
an opera singer.
What, you mean...
like in the shower?
Yeah, exactly. You got it in one.
Just like in the shower.
- I'm sorry. I didn't mean...
- No, don't worry about it.
I knew you'd understand.
Come on, Tom.
Oh, sweetheart.
You can try again...
They're not gonna
take you seriously, Millie.
They'll look at you and say,
"It's not a calling, it's just a whim."
It's not just a whim.
I've always wanted to do this.
I've always wanted to sing.
I'm not going to spend
the rest of my life
as a fund manager.
You think opera singing
is no more difficult
than fund management?
Well, I'm going to give myself
the year to find out.
- What, just to prove something?
- No.
It's not just to prove
a point.
It's... it's because
it's what I want to do.
And why shouldn't I?
Why shouldn't
I follow my heart?
It normally takes years,
and people mostly start
a lot younger.
Patricia, I'm not that old
and it is not too late.
I'm willing to do this
with or without your help.
Okay. If you want to take the fast
track, there is one way.
A competition,
like Singer of Renown.
If you win, you land a role
with a major opera company.
But you're up against the sharpest
young singers in the country
at the peak of their form.
Well, where do I start?
Meghan Geoffrey-Bishop.
She's a little unorthodox.
Well, as long
as she gets results.
Oh, in her own way.
Most of her students
are now in psychiatric care,
but the ones who survived
became major stars.
- Uh...
- Just joking. Don't worry. You will love her.
She's one of the sweetest people
you'll ever meet.
She's supposedly retired,
but who knows?
- I'll give her a call.
- Thank you.
You're gonna change my life.
I hope not.
Stop! What are you
trying to do?
This is one of the most
delightful arias ever written
and you're turning it
into noise pollution!
- I was...
- Shut up!
Start again, bar 32.
What do you want?
Hi. This is Millie Cantwell.
Patricia Hartley said
she'd talk to you about me.
- Who?
- My friend Patricia Hartley from the music conservatoire.
Did she call?
I don't know. I don't remember.
What do you want?
Oh. Um, singing lessons.
Singing lessons?
Uh, yes, I'd like
to study with you.
I'm not taking on
any more students.
- I'm sorry.
- Please. Uh...
Patricia said that you might be
able to make an exception for me
and she also said that although
your fees are very high,
it would be worth
every penny.
Oh? And how high
did she say my fees are?
Oh, pretty high.
And how much
do the others charge?
As much as 100 a lesson.
And I charge
quite a bit higher than that?
Yes, it seems so.
Quite a bit.
All right, you can come
and audition.
Oh! I... I have to audition
to be your student?
I don't take on lost causes.
Um, can I send you
a sound file?
What in God's name is that?
You listen to it
on your computer.
I don't have a computer.
- Oh. Um...
- Just a moment.
Um, I can give you half an hour
this coming Saturday morning
at 8:15 sharp.
- 8:15 in the morning?
- Yes.
Don't be late.
Why are you doing this?
I can do what I like.
You're supposed to be retired.
It's supposed be just me.
Well, so far, Mr. Just You,
you've been on what I would
call a full scholarship.
I work for you.
I do everything you need.
Yes, but you're not
gonna get me a place
in a five-star nursing home,
are you?
Or find the money to get
the fucking roof fixed.
- I'll fix the fucking roof!
- No, you won't.
Stop fretting about it.
She won't pass the audition anyway.
- How do you know?
- Oh, grow up.
Max! Come back here!
Bar 32.
I had plans.
I was going to get us a puppy.
- A puppy? Really?
- Yeah.
And I thought maybe we could
look for a house together
and the dog would have
a garden to play in and...
We will.
Honey, we will.
why are you doing this?
To yourself. To us.
Please, please, think again.
- Talk to your therapist.
- I don't have a therapist.
- What?
- I only pretended to have a therapist.
- Why?
- I don't know.
Because you like
complicated women,
and I didn't want to seem
too plain and simple.
- But you are complicated.
- No, I'm not.
You mean
a genius fund manager
with a brilliant career
ahead of her
runs off to join the circus.
That's not complicated?
I'm not going
to join the circus.
I'm going to Drumbuchan to learn
how to be an opera singer.
- Drum-who?
- Drumbuchan.
It's in
the Scottish Highlands.
Well, that makes the circus
seem quite rational.
you are going to
raise your glass
and toast to my success.
Or go fuck yourself.
To your success, my love.
Well, that
was fucking awful.
I'm gonna head over to work.
- What do you want done first?
- Upstairs.
The sink in
number two... disgusting.
Why? Are...
- Are you full?
- No.
It's just that
if I give you a room,
I've then got to give you
a guided tour of the amenities,
then turn your bed down and put one of
those after dinner mints on the pillow.
And in the morning,
I need to strip the bed,
wash the sheets,
dry the sheets,
mop the floor,
clean the toilet,
and get one of those...
one of those
"this toilet has
been sanitized" things
and put that in the bowl.
And for what?
For 45 pounds!
It's not really
worth the effort.
If things turn out,
I might stay a year.
What things?
Do you know
Meghan Geoffrey-Bishop?
I'm afraid so.
I'm auditioning for her.
I'm hoping she'll train me.
It needs
a new hot water tap.
- Max, get the lady's bags.
- What?
Get the lady's bags and
take them upstairs to her room.
- Her room?
- Yes, she's staying with us, Max, possibly for a whole year.
The bags!
The bridal suite.
I'm afraid it's all
we have at the moment.
Training for anything
in particular?
Yeah. The Singer
of Renown competition.
Have you heard of it?
Uh... Uh...
I need to show you.
Don't touch that tap. Okay?
Uh, okay, so there's only
cold water in the basin?
- That would be correct.
- Does the hot water tap work in the bathtub?
I don't know.
- Can I try?
- Okay.
Um... sure.
Wait. Please.
Here. Thanks.
Uh, would it be possible
to get something to eat?
Or perhaps
you could direct me
to where I may be able
to find something to eat.
No. This would be about
your only choice.
But we were planning on
closing the kitchen early.
I'll ask the chef.
What would you like?
Uh... Do you have any
local specialties?
She'll have the special!
You're very fortunate,
you know.
We're usually booked solid
on a Friday evening.
- So what happened tonight?
- Who knows?
The winds of change,
I venture to say.
The internet, social media.
Live streaming.
We don't know
who we are anymore.
You're from America.
Yes. But I've
been living in London.
What did you do down there?
Um... I was
in fund management.
Fund management.
How was that?
Oh, I hated it.
Pay crap?
No, no, the pay was great.
Was your boss a tosser?
No. Actually,
he became my boyfriend.
So if the pay was great
and you were on cordial terms
with the management,
why did you hate it?
It wasn't fulfilling.
You're the chef
here as well.
Is that so difficult
to imagine?
Is there a problem?
A problem?
Do you always answer
a question with a question?
Why would I do that?
This is really good.
Clever boy, our Max.
Hey, Ramsay, do you think
he'll make it this year?
You think he'll
break the curse?
I don't know.
I think he's up against
some stiff competition.
- The Filthy Pig...
- Are you serious?
Yes, The Filthy Pig,
that's what it's called.
It's the only pub
in the village.
Or it kind of is the village,
as far as I can tell.
Is that really it?
Oh, no, apparently there's
a tractor repair shop
and a post office somewhere,
but that's pretty much it.
Have you met
your teacher?
No, I'm gonna meet her
tomorrow morning.
Where is she?
Just over the hill.
- Well, good luck.
- Hey, you never know.
Could be back tomorrow night
with my tail between my legs.
I'm sorry about
the circus thing.
Thank you.
Okay, goodnight, honey.
- Night.
- Bye.
Got a train to catch?
Uh... no.
So you were just
clearing your throat
in preparation
for this audition?
Um... yes.
That's a great relief.
Because I would absolutely
hate to think
that you were impatient,
and had an obnoxious
sense of entitlement
which goes with
your overall appearance.
Am I making you nervous?
I said, am I
making you nervous!
Or are you deaf?
- No.
- No, I'm not making you nervous, or no, you're not deaf?
- I... I'm not deaf.
- So I am making you nervous?
- Yes.
- Good.
Then let's proceed.
Did you prepare something?
Y-Yes, I did.
What is it?
It's "Voi che sapete"
from The Marriage of Figaro.
Okay, let's hear it.
Holy Mary,
mother of God, pray for me now.
Thank you.
That'll do.
Well, that
was incredibly mature.
That was so mature of you,
so unbelievably mature,
that I'm thinking of creating
a certificate of maturity,
a big one,
and getting it framed,
so I've got
something large and heavy
- to hit you around the head with.
- She's dreadful.
It'd be
a complete waste of time.
- You know that.
- Oh, shut up, you idiot!
Don't do it!
Don't lower yourself!
You ruined my audition.
Was the plumbing
really that urgent?
Or did you just not
like my singing?
You're a complete amateur.
She's not going to
accept you.
Don't take any notice.
You are a sad excuse
for a singer.
I could tell after
the first note.
You have one party piece,
which is just
above karaoke standard,
and you think you
really are something.
The person who sent you
owes me an apology.
- You owe me an apology.
- I'm sorry...
Shut up! I haven't quite
finished telling you
how worthless you are,
which is the first
thing you need to know
when you become
one of my students.
You're accepting me?
I'm accepting you
as a challenge.
The sort of challenge
it makes no sense to accept.
Because supposedly I'm mad.
The Mad Diva of Drumbuchan.
- Thank you.
- These are my rules.
- No drugs...
- That won't be a problem.
No alcohol.
Um... uh, is that bad
for the vocal cords?
No. It weakens the resistance
to distractions.
But I'm staying in a pub.
Yes, ironic, isn't it?
And no visitors.
You can leave the past behind.
Including that bubble
of self-adoration you live in.
Some people say
an opera singer needs to suffer.
And I shall
certainly make things
as unpleasant for you
as I can.
So maybe
you should get out now
before it costs you anything.
I think I'll stay.
More fool you.
What do you think of
Um, it's quite charming.
I can't stand it.
Then why are you here?
A woman came to me
after seeing my Tosca in '83
and said she'd
leave me her farmhouse.
It was only once I got here that I
wondered if she'd actually liked my Tosca.
- Any questions? No?
- Well...
We'll start in the morning.
All right, get out.
Are you ready?
- Uh...
- He's my other student.
He's very good.
Are you surprised?
- Well, I just...
- Yes, you are.
You're surprised that someone
like Max can sing like that,
you condescending
little bitch.
Come inside.
Do it.
I... I can't.
I said, do it.
My God, you're even
worse than I thought.
Are you paying by check
or cash? I prefer cash.
- Mrs. Geoffrey-Bishop?
- Yes?
I would like to enter the
Singer of Renown competition.
- Oh, really?
- Can you prepare me for it?
- Yes.
- Well, now that you've heard how awful I am,
how long do you
think it'll take?
As long as you can afford.
Make it a double.
How do you know
all about Meghan's rules?
You're in a place where there's
not really a great deal to know.
I mean,
you must've noticed
there's not really much happens
round here to tax the brain.
So, therefore,
I can proudly claim
to know everything
there is to know.
Tell me about Max.
Ah, now,
there's an exception.
I don't know everything
there is to know about Max.
Nobody does.
Not even Max.
I'll tell you what
I think you want to know.
He's been studying with
Meghan for about five years.
He's twice tried to win the
Singer of Renown competition.
This will be his last attempt.
- Hello, Ramsay.
- Aye, aye.
Just one more thing.
Is Meghan just
taking my money,
knowing that I don't
have a chance?
Well, you are sort of
the local economy right now.
All right, there, Jimi?
Oh, Jimi, you look
terribly well.
Open your mouth. Open it.
Wider, I said!
Wider, girl!
Wider! Come on! La! La!
Where's your tongue?
Stick it out. Stick it out.
Stick it out. Stick it out.
Keep singing!
Keep singing!
Singing! La! Come on!
Sing! Sing!
- Hi, darling. How's it going?
- Great. Great.
Is "rear-ry" exciting.
You sound a bit strange.
Is everything all right?
- "Abso-root-ree."
- Okay.
- How are you, honey?
- I'm doing fine.
Good. I, um...
I can't talk "rong."
She might check my phone.
- Who?
- Meghan, my teacher.
She has "rures."
- She has what?
- "Rures!"
What's that?
Warm salt water.
Well, it's hot
at the moment,
but it should be warm
by the time you're upstairs.
You gargle with it
as long as possible.
Two minutes or more.
Don't swallow.
Should be okay in the morning.
She's a fucking sadist.
It's a process.
I bet she hasn't had sex
in, like, 20 years.
Eight years.
You know, if you're going to
take the young woman's money,
you should at least
respect her efforts.
I mean, she can sing.
What business is it of yours?
Everything's my business!
You're behaving
like an angry old diva.
It's as if you want to punish
the young woman
because she could be
what you should have been.
- Should have been? I was!
- And look at you now.
A fallen idol,
with only people like me to admire you.
Ramsay MacFadyen,
I know you have balls,
and they're not a pretty sight.
But otherwise,
you lack the manhood
to have a say about anything.
So how is it that you,
the very model of failure
and downward mobility,
have come to give me advice?
Or is it more admiration?
Don't think
of her as a rival.
Maybe you should think of her
as the wind at your back,
which is exactly what you need.
Trouble is, I don't know if
she's got the backbone to last.
Give me ten more slices.
God, how much
is she paying you?
Let me make this clear.
Okay, I'm taking her money,
but I'm not just
taking her money.
The girl might have potential.
How much potential?
I suppose we'll see.
Do you breathe through
your nose or your mouth?
- My mouth.
- Huh.
- Who is it?
- Max.
just a moment.
- Yes?
- If you decide
you want to breathe through
your nose and your mouth,
you should read
Rogers and Blum.
Pfeiffer argues that breathing
should not be conscious and voluntary
but unconscious
and involuntary.
Um, would you like to
come in?
Uh, no.
There are different
schools of opinion.
Sing loudly before
you sing softly.
Sing softly before
you sing loudly.
Mouth should move.
Mouth should not move.
Raise the palate,
don't raise the palate.
Diction's vital.
Diction's crap.
It's all there.
Um, thanks.
So what's going on, pal?
Give us
all the lurid details.
- What are you talking about?
- You and the girl.
- What's her name? Molly?
- Millie.
There you are.
You've committed
her name to memory.
is sure to follow.
They say it's good
for the vocal cords.
- His or hers?
- Piss off.
Well, could be worse.
That young woman has shown more
determination in the last three months
than you have in five years.
The future for you as
I see it right now...
and I may be doing you
a favor here...
is a typical cruise ship
with regular burials at sea.
You'd do well on one of those,
crooning your way around a bunch
of senile old deaf people
who all have
one foot in the grave.
Pull yourself together.
Hello, Millie.
Oh, it's so nice
to hear from you.
How's it all going?
Well, she has tried to kill me,
but not for a while,
so I think there's a good
chance I might actually survive.
You've come a long way.
I think you're ready for this.
- What is it?
- A composition by Mozart.
Mozart wrote this?
Yes. Let's see what
you can do with it.
Couldn't I try something
a little more challenging?
Not for your
first performance.
- As in public performance?
- Yes. In Edinburgh.
At the Princess Royal Theatre.
Don't you think we're
rushing things little a bit?
Yes, of course. But Edinburgh is
a qualifier for Singer of Renown.
Now, do you want to
go for it or not?
Why are you jogging?
Why are you jogging?
For my lungs, mostly.
Did Meghan
tell you to do that?
No, my boyfriend
suggested it.
You've got a boyfriend?
Yes, I do.
Does Meghan know?
I don't see what that
has to do with anything.
Is your boyfriend more
important than your career?
My career as an opera singer?
Is this just an
interesting hobby for you?
Why are you asking me
all these questions?
Why is it
any of your business?
- I'd like to help you.
- Help me? How?
Well, for one thing,
too much jogging's
not gonna do you any good.
I can show you some exercises
that will expand your lungs
without damaging
the rest of your body.
Max, why would you
want to help me?
Because when you're at
the Edinburgh recital,
you'll be there as one
of Meghan's students.
I don't want her being
publicly embarrassed.
So then,
what would you suggest?
- Come over to my place.
- Your place?
I shouldn't be visiting guests
in their rooms.
I see.
Oh! Um, do you mean
on my bare skin?
- No, that won't be necessary.
- Oh. Okay.
- Sing.
- Oh.
I can't feel anything.
Try again.
No, I still can't
feel anything.
Put your hands on me.
Um, could you do that again?
Can you feel the vibrations?
Um... yeah.
Do you think you can find
those vibrations?
Oh, my goodness.
Here she is.
Ah. Surprised to
see you again, Max.
What keeps you coming back?
It must be
the camaraderie.
Hey! What are you doing?
Max, leave me alone.
- What's happened?
- I've had an epiphany.
Now is not the time
for epiphanies.
Oh, no,
now is the perfect time
because I can finally see
what's going on here.
I am being set up to fail.
I'm not in the same
class as these people.
I don't belong here,
except to entertain you all
while I fall face-first
into the shit.
You spoiled brat.
Do what you like.
Ms. Emily Wheeler,
ladies and gentlemen.
And next, we are pleased to
welcome back from Drumbuchan,
Mr. Max Thistlewaite.
Max is looking to qualify
for Singer of Renown,
under the tutelage of
Mrs. Meghan Geoffrey-Bishop,
who is also
with us here today.
Mrs. Geoffrey-Bishop.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Max Thistlewaite.
Who are you with?
Um, Meghan Geoffrey-Bishop.
Oh. So you're entering
Singer of Renown, are you?
How long
have you been at it?
I'd rather not say.
That long, huh?
Afraid so.
Millie Cantwell.
You're up next.
Mr. Max Thistlewaite.
And now we have a newcomer,
also under the tutelage
of Mrs. Geoffrey-Bishop.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Ms. Millie Cantwell.
Twinkle, twinkle
Little star
How I wonder
What you are
Up above the world
So high
Like a diamond
In the sky
Twinkle, twinkle
Little star
How I wonder
What you are
Then the traveller
In the dark
Thanks you
For your tiny spark
He could not
See where to go
If you did not twinkle so
Twinkle, twinkle
Little star
How I wonder
What you are!
You were good.
Why are you
calling me so early?
What do you want?
You need to see this.
I haven't got
my reading glasses.
- What is it?
- A review.
"The familiar voice
of Max Thistlewaite
brought more of
the same standard
that local concertgoers
have come to expect...
technical proficiency
of the highest order...
and a lack of
the emotional depth needed
for an aria
so full of erotic passion
as the Toreador song
from 'Carmen.'
Much like perfectly cooked
fish and chips,
without the zing
of the malt vinegar,
there really
isn't much point to it."
"An unfamiliar voice delivered
delightfully unexpected results
when Millie Cantwell coaxed
genuine grace and charm
out of Mozart's
witty variations
on 'Twinkle, Twinkle,
Little Star.'
We must be sure to keep
an eye out for Ms. Cantwell.
What we heard was the nascence
of a beautiful voice,
full of feeling,
but free of pretension or condescension."
Twinkle-twinkle, fucking star!
You think the
girl could do it?
Think she could go on to win
the Singer of Renown?
It is possible.
Is that what you want?
It's nothing to do
with what I want.
If she comes out on top,
then it's meant to be.
I don't understand, he...
Max came so close to winning
last time. So damn close.
It'll break his heart.
What did you say?
I said, it will
break his heart.
Then maybe
he'll learn how to sing.
It's lovely to see you,
Oh, piss off.
Don't be pathetic.
It wasn't a negative review,
it was a mixed review.
I'm fish and chips
without the vinegar.
You're the victim of a pretentious
critic with verbal diarrhea.
Millie's putting me to shame
and you helped her do it.
Are you a man or a muppet?
She's what you'll compete
with in the real world.
This is critical for you,
you understand?
You're better than her, but
she has tricks you don't have.
Learn what they are.
Learn how she does it.
Now, sit up straight!
- Any other suggestions?
- Yes.
You and Millie are going
to prepare a duet.
When people sing together,
they hear their own voice
in a completely new way.
It's time you started.
You've been in your own
cocoon for too long.
It's about acting too.
So watch her face.
Watch what she does.
And learn from it.
So Meghan's pitting us
against each other.
Well, we could look at it as
a cooperative venture
where we challenge each other,
raise the bar.
Then you agree
it's a good idea?
Yeah, I do.
For one of us, anyway.
Well, whatever happens,
In the meantime, we should
behave professionally.
You deserve
the same chance as I do.
That's very noble of you.
Don't get too emotional.
I won't.
Thank you, by the way.
For helping me
prepare for the concert.
It made a big difference.
- Hey, sweetie.
- I hope this isn't a bad time.
It is. I'm sorry.
I'm actually running late.
Okay. Don't worry.
I'll call you back.
- I have a little surprise.
- Oh, God.
You haven't gone and bought
a puppy, have you?
We'll talk later. Love you.
Okay, bye, love you.
- Ready?
- Yeah.
Oh my God,
what are you doing here?
I'm sorry, I couldn't help it.
I had to see you.
- Do they do food? I'm starving.
- Yes.
Wow! That was delicious.
Who'd have thought you
had to come to The Filthy Pig
to find the perfect meal?
My compliments to the chef.
- Hmm. Surly type.
- Yeah.
Um, Charlie,
I'm so glad that you came,
but why did you drive up here?
When I read out that review of
yours to the team at work...
- Wait. You did that?
- Yeah.
I've never felt
more proud in all my life.
And later on, when I thought about
it, I've never felt more ashamed
that I didn't understand
who you are.
That I didn't even try to.
I mean, you sort of tried.
Well, I want to try harder,
I can't imagine
anything more exciting
than being the paramour
of a great diva.
I'll massage your feet,
and I'll buy you flowers
every day. How about that?
- All this just from one review?
- Yes.
I felt terrible
about how I misjudged you.
And that's why I drove
all the way up here,
I really needed to
tell you how sorry I am.
And how much I admire you...
and adore you.
You came all this way
just to tell me that?
- Bye.
- Bye.
You can go now.
Just one suggestion.
You might consider actually
looking at each other
when you sing a love duet.
I'm sorry about
just rushing off yesterday.
I really wasn't
expecting my friend
to just show up like that.
That's okay.
- Can I ask you for a favor?
- A favor?
Please don't tell Meghan.
About what?
About Charlie being here.
She just has this thing
about visitors and...
other distractions.
I won't say anything.
Don't worry.
Thank you.
- Are you and Charlie engaged?
- No!
No, uh...
he's what you would call my...
significant other.
That sounds like
a personality disorder.
It's not
a personality disorder.
Well, it doesn't exactly
sound like a love match.
You like her, don't you?
You like her a lot.
- Who?
- Who?
Mabel the cow?
Don't play coy with me.
She says she has
a commitment to someone else.
A commitment? Is that
the word she used?
- Yeah.
- Interesting.
Why is that interesting?
Well, it doesn't exactly
reek of romance, does it?
Can I make a suggestion?
Go away for a few days.
To get her out of my system?
No. Because she'll miss you.
Are you serious?
How many jokes have
you heard me tell?
Uh, where's Max?
as in like evaporated?
That's a very poetic
way of putting it.
But I just mean gone,
as in "not here,"
as in "didn't turn up
for his work,"
as in "not to be found
at his usual place of abode."
So you'll just have to
put up with my cooking.
Did he say how long
he was gone for?
No. He didn't share
that information with me.
This smells terrible.
- What are you thinking about?
- Nothing.
What do you mean "nothing"?
Are you a yogi?
Do you manage somehow to go
into a deep meditative trance
and think of nothing
while you sing?
Really, if there's something
on your mind,
you can tell me.
There's nothing to tell.
Sit down.
- You need to learn to control your emotions.
- What?
When you sing the high notes,
don't push the voice.
People will think
you're showing off.
I will hold it back a bit.
And, by the way,
you've qualified
for the Singer
of Renown contest.
Oh, my God! I...
What about Max?
But of course.
Just in time.
And to you.
To us, then.
Oh! Damn, that's good.
Let's hope Meghan
doesn't find out about this.
We shouldn't worry
about Meghan right now.
Where did you learn
to cook like this?
- Meghan taught me.
- Oh!
We've known each other
a while.
It sounds like she was like
a bit of a mother to you.
No, not really.
The only mother I can remember
was Mother Superior,
and she wasn't very motherly.
But she did put me in
the choir.
Why are you here?
Well, as you know,
I gave up
a very comfortable life
of white-collar crime
to become an opera singer.
But why opera?
I don't know.
I've always loved to sing.
And I think
I'm irresistibly attracted
to the tragedy of it all.
Every opera ends in death
and every love affair
is accompanied
by pain and betrayal.
And it's just all
so dramatic.
I don't know, it's like
you get to sing it all out
and then have a good cry,
and you just feel
so much better after.
And you know what? I love that
every heroine in an opera
is not the kind of girl you'd
bring home to your mother.
There's, like, the slave girl,
the terminally ill girl,
and the hooker.
These men are forever
getting mixed up
with the wrong kind of women.
It certainly happens.
It sure does.
Oh, Elaine come out
Oh, please, come out...
If the Three Stooges could do
opera, then I could do it.
- In fact, Shemp went to Julliard.
- Huh?
- He was one of their top students.
- Oh, that's beautiful.
I see, I see, my darling
Cedric standing there...
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
No, no, no, no.
No. No!
I can't do this.
This is a line I cannot cross.
I am deceitful,
and I am a liar,
and I'm a two-timer, but...
I'm not technically
a cheater, right?
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
And technically,
I can say
I did not have sexual
relations with that man.
Is that not so?
Yeah, you could
honestly say that.
Okay. Good!
Look. I don't mind that we
didn't technically have sex.
You don't?
What tribe are you from?
The I'll-take-a-raincheck
So you see
a future in this, do you?
No. I can't see anything
at the moment.
It's all a blur.
It's, um...
I don't know
what to call it.
I'm sorry.
I'm just... I'm really
confused right now.
About a lot of things.
The one thing
I'm not confused about
is that I came here to win
a singing competition.
So I need you to stay away
from me until this is over.
I'll make my own dinners
from now on. Okay?
Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!
I'll see you in London.
Yeah, see you there.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,
to the Grand Theatre, London.
You are about to hear
15 remarkable young artists,
as they compete for the title
of Singer of Renown.
Rosa Patullo
to the stage, please.
Oh, God, that's me.
Are you okay?
No, no, no, I'm not.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay!
Oh! Oh! Okay.
- Oh, gosh.
- Get it all out.
That's right.
Oh, that was a good one.
Feeling better?
Not much.
Well, the good news is you
didn't get any on your dress.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
I can't. I can't
go through with this.
Yes, you can.
Yes, you can.
- I didn't think I would come to pieces like this.
- You're not in pieces.
You are in one solid piece.
This is it.
You have to let go
of my hand. Okay?
It's okay.
Please welcome
Rosa Patullo.
Millie Cantwell.
This is your ten-minute call.
- Who's up next?
- Fergus McKenzie from Edinburgh.
- God, that's not good.
- No.
Millie Cantwell
to the stage, please.
Next, please welcome
Millie Cantwell.
My God. She could win.
Aye, she could at that.
Max! What are you doing?
We promised we'd stay
away from each other.
Millie, please, there's
something I need to ask you.
Max, go away.
You're gonna be up soon.
- Now is not the time.
- No, now is the time.
Marry me.
I'm sorry. I need to pee.
- What did she say?
- She said she needed to pee.
- Is that what you've decided?
- Yes.
Will you tell him,
or would you like me to?
No! No. No.
Neither of us can tell him.
We can't tell him.
Just... Just please,
go out there and tell him
that I'm really feeling sick,
and that I am
completely overwhelmed.
And I can barely talk
and just leave the ring here.
Tell him I'll see him later.
Just let him sing.
I'm sorry,
I can't lie to him.
I can't lie to him.
Can you?
What if this ruins
everything for him?
What if he falls to pieces?
All these years of
hard work and...
How can I live with that?
Do you intend
to marry him or not?
No, I don't.
Then he will
either sink or swim.
You are the hero of the story.
You are Figaro,
the Barber of Seville.
Men admire you.
Women adore you.
And you sing ecstatically
of your accomplishments.
Your pride in who you are.
It is a song of joy if ever
there was one,
all you feel is
the wonder of the moment.
Max. Look at me.
You are a happy man.
Let's go.
You know, that guy, he reminds me
of the waiter from the Filthy Pig.
Hi. We just had to come and say
how very much we enjoyed it.
One word says it all.
No, it was more than divine.
It was... superbo.
Fantastico. Bravo.
Hope this helps.
I can see how nervous you are.
Well, I don't stand
a chance. Never did.
I don't agree. If you didn't stand
a chance, you wouldn't be nervous.
Look, I've had an amazing year.
No regrets.
But it'll be good
to get back to reality.
That's a very healthy
thing to say.
I can see now why you
don't need a therapist.
- You're too kind.
- Grazie.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I am pleased to announce
that given the continuing
high standard
of all the contestants
in this competition,
in addition to
the outright winner,
the organizers have decided
to also award a second prize.
This year's
second prize goes to...
Rosa Patullo!
- Thank you!
- Wonderful.
Thank you so much.
And now the big moment.
The winner of this year's
Singer of Renown is...
Max Thistlewaite.
Bravo, Max!
- Bravo!
- Well done, Max!
Well done. Excellent.
Excellent performance.
- Congratulations, Max!
- Well done, Max!
- I'll get that. Don't worry.
- Thanks.
- Is that everything?
- Yeah.
Wow, it's weird to be back.
What are you thinking about?
I should have realized...
there's no fast track.
A year is nothing.
One might say I should've gotten
it out of my system by now,
but that hasn't happened,
and I don't think
it's going to happen.
I don't think I'm going back
to reality as we know it.
I'm gonna keep studying,
and I am gonna keep
training my voice,
and I am gonna go back there one
day and win that damn contest.
It's not over.
Did you just roll your eyes?
Fanella's quite sick.
- How sick is she?
- Way too sick.
- She's out of it.
- Well, who else is available?
We have a choice.
They're both here.
There's Alyssa Friedrichs,
bit of a cow, but she did this
at La Scala two seasons ago.
Then there's this new girl,
still cutting her teeth,
but already making
a name for herself.
- Right.
- Millie Cantwell.
I can have either of them
here this afternoon.
Uh... who would you go for?
Mmm... the cow.
Less interesting,
but safer choice.
How's your bladder control?
Much better, thank you.
I... I took back the ring
and they gave me a full refund.
Oh? Good.
Yeah, they said it happens
about one in every three cases.
That seems like a lot.
Mm. Yeah, well,
they're used to it.
They've had strongmen break
down in their store and cry.
I hope you didn't do that.
How are things
with your significant other?
He lost his significance.