Falling for You (2022) Movie Script
I'm okay.
Sure, no, no.
That's no problem,
yep, plenty of time.
I'm your consultant.
Of course, we can make it work.
Your feelings are
affecting your performance.
I don't know, I've been
making a lot of progress.
Denver would've been proud.
Look, mate.
I know it's been difficult, but
we both know Denver is dead.
She's not dead, we broke up.
Exactly.
You broke up a year ago.
You got the rest of your
life to get over it.
It's easy for you to say.
Okay, so, you got anything new?
Oh yeah, actually.
No, apart
from the juggling.
Oh, no.
Well, I did.
I got a new version
of the balloon sword.
Ready?
Excuse me.
All right, okay.
Make a coochie.
Make four balls.
Take the penis.
Push it through the coochie.
Classy.
I know.
Oh, sorry guys, I
thought you were done.
Hey, Bopsey, it's
Oscar and Mike.
Hey guys.
What's up?
Hey, Bipsey and
Bopsey, how's it going?
Good.
Just putting the finishing
touches on our show.
We're touring the Midwest
starting next week.
Wow, that's exciting.
We're still doing the
birthday party circuit.
That must be rewarding.
It is.
Hi, Mike.
Hi there.
Well, I think we
can call it a day.
We got the, the whirly gigs,
and then the hat business,
and then we finish
with the jazz hands.
That should be enough.
Oh, before I forget,
Mike was just showing
me how to make
a new version of
a balloon sword.
Oh, show us.
I love balloon animals.
Cool.
So, what is it you first?
First you make a coochie.
There you go.
And then you make a few balls.
And then you take the
penis, and you put it
through the coochie.
And voil.
I think it looks
more like a butthole.
Yeah, that's a sphincter.
Aloha.
How was last night?
I have absolutely
no idea home slice,
so it must have been fantastic.
Did you meet anybody?
Did I meet anybody?
Yes?
No.
Probably?
I'm gonna go with probably.
Well, can you at least
remember his name?
Pretty sure it was,
goodbye, have a nice life.
You do, what the eff?
Wow.
You are such a stud.
I could teach you a
thing or three, lady.
Do you mind if I?
Don't mind me.
Don't worry, I'm fully
armed in case of, you know.
Oh my God.
What, what, what, what,
what, what, what, what?
I'm just fucking with you
Laura, why would you do that?
'Cause it's funny.
You only hate clowns
'cause they're trendy.
How many times do
I have to tell you?
I'm seeing a therapist.
How often do you see
clowns on a daily basis?
I don't know if they're
gonna come on in commercials.
I can never go to the circus.
Who goes to the circus?
What decade is this?
Look, it's like my
one thing, okay?
And I told myself that this
year I was gonna finally,
shit I gotta take this, sorry.
Amy, hi, how was
the presentation?
Amy, I'm sorry.
Can you hold on for
just a brief second?
Thanks.
What?
Wanna smoke some weed?
I'm working.
Come on, we could get
shwasted, and spend the rest
of the afternoon
watching cartoons?
Or, we could do this.
I could finish this
call, and you could
discover the joys of meditation.
I don't like meditation,
I tried it once.
I didn't get
relaxed fast enough.
Now a bong, on the other hand?
I'm so sorry, Julie.
Amy.
Amy, I am so sorry, Amy.
Okay.
This is the final image I
want to show you for today.
How scary is this on
a scale of one to 10?
Seven.
Okay.
So in a moment,
we'll go next door.
How many exits are there?
Don't worry, I'll be
in there with you.
Is the clown going to be
in there when I arrive?
No, you'll enter first,
and then the clown
will be brought in.
Or, should I say clowns, plural?
Oh, how many clowns?
Two.
So make yourself comfortable,
and I'll send in the clowns.
It's hot.
Look, I don't think
I can go in there.
Not unless I'm heavily
armed, or heavily sedated.
Or both.
They're gonna eat me.
Do you really believe
that's going to happen?
Ah, well?
No.
You're right.
Well, of course you're right.
You're right.
They're not going to eat me.
That doesn't make any sense.
Okay, so moving on both
literally and figuratively.
That was a big step
you made today.
And you certainly don't
have to fear a clown.
And remember, the more
we expose you to it,
the more your anxiety will lift.
You know, you and I should
have dinner sometime.
Thank you for the invite.
And think about it.
I make a great
Vietnamese souffl.
Well, I'm gonna go, so
I'll see you next week?
Au revoir.
You were totally staring.
Me?
Yes, you.
Do I know you?
Really?
Let me guess.
You're single?
Ouch.
Ouch, okay.
Can't believe you just said
ouch, but, nobody's perfect.
So.
What do you do for a living?
Mind reader.
What?
No, you're not.
See, I knew you
were gonna say that.
Okay, that was good, nice.
Regaining your
composure, I like it.
Do we know each other?
You know, we were doing so well.
And then you had to resort
to pick up line 101.
Oscar, um, Davis.
Um is your middle name?
Yes it is.
Oh, okay.
Hazel Westmoore.
Well, it was really
nice to have met you.
Have a nice life.
Look at this.
Great.
On the clown scale, it
goes, theater clown,
circus clown, hospital
clown, rodeo clown,
birthday parties, street
performer, jester, mime.
He's on the bottom rung.
What about your mother?
She fits in there somewhere.
I've got something to
fit in your mother.
Depressing to see this.
We should make our
mission to crush him.
I'm so stressed.
I wish I smoked.
You should take up crack.
Make a man out of you.
Why did you gotta show
me this bozo's poster?
He's no bozo.
Fact is, he's not
better than us.
He performed the
lowest in our class.
Remember?
Yeah.
Lowest in the class.
Lowest with morals.
Denver wasn't entirely innocent.
Look, what's the
solution then, huh?
More birthday gigs?
More corporate jobs?
The truth is, there's
a huge gulf between
what we're doing,
and what he's doing.
Don't get me wrong, I
like what we're doing.
We're our own boss.
But, truth is, I wanna
move things forward.
Give ourselves a promotion.
Beyond us getting a grant,
which is notoriously difficult.
I dunno.
Maybe we should just get
outta here for a while.
Take a vacation.
Yeah.
We could go to Europe,
maybe go to England,
visit the motherland.
England?
I thought you were
from Australia.
Hey, what's that dish called?
Frog in a puddle?
Toad in the hole.
Sounds awful.
Anyway, your weather there
is notoriously shitty.
Have you ever had a
winter in Chicago?
Look, fact is, we could have
been in New York right now,
doing an off off-Broadway show.
But, oh no.
Fuck New York.
Typical Chicagoan bullshit.
The pizzas are too thin,
the pizzas are too thin.
You know I'm gonna fuck
you right in the wind trap.
What's?
The belly button.
Guess what I ran into earlier?
Gandhi?
No, it was the
woman we were entertaining.
Hazel.
Oh, she was insane.
No, she had a phobia.
Phobia my ass, mate.
She was mad.
I suppose you could have
sex with her, at least.
We had a connection.
A connection?
Listen, a bit of rebound
minge never hurt anybody.
Doesn't matter who it is, mate.
Minge, is minge, is minge.
So if you meet this, Emma?
Hazel.
Hazel.
Where would you take her?
All the way.
Ugh, I've gotta create
two online apps,
and they've gotta
be easy to use.
Easy to use from
whose perspective?
So instead, you're getting high.
Have to.
Otherwise I'll build four
apps and have no social life.
I thought you were going
for that senior position.
I was.
But I wouldn't have enough
time for fun and games.
Quit smoking weed, and you
might be more productive.
That's funny.
Come on, everything
in moderation.
Including moderation.
Wait a second.
Did you tell me just now
that you're going on a date?
Don't worry, I'll
identify your body.
Yeah, like I told
you, like a week ago.
You did?
Holy shit, did I just time jump?
No, I was exaggerating.
It was like 10 minutes ago.
Oh, thank God.
Thought I was gonna
have to call up one
of my buddies at CERN
and have him test this.
Okay, just gimme the
abridged version,
then I'm gonna eat a
chocolate sheet cake.
Well he's, he's funny.
That means he's ugly.
No.
He's cute.
But you said he was funny first.
When you say a guy funny as the
first thing to describe him,
that means he's ugly.
Just the way it is, Haze.
Sorry.
Well, he, he likes games.
It'll never work.
You hate games.
That is not strictly true.
Okay.
What was the last
game you played?
What is that one with
the board and the dice?
It's like all board
games ever invented.
Ever.
No, it isn't.
All right, just don't
come crying to me
when he asks you what
your favorite game is.
He is never going to ask me
what my favorite game is.
So what's your favorite game?
Oh, I love them all.
Love games.
Mm, love games.
But not in relationships,
I do not do well with that.
I went on this date
with this guy online,
and he turned up
dressed like a pirate.
What?
And the hat, parrot.
He had a live parrot?
Yes, a real parrot.
And he called me matey, mm-hmm.
Oh my gosh, did he
have a pirate ship?
No, no, no, no.
He nicknamed his
car the pirate ship.
Oh my gosh.
Well, you know, I also got out
of a relationship recently.
Well, it ended about a year ago.
What happened?
I'm not sure.
I thought we were
gonna get married, but,
she had this idea of
what she wanted me to be,
and, it wasn't me.
She played games.
I think I'm more like you.
You know, I just see
things in black and white.
She left me for
a friend of mine.
Former friend.
He's a mime.
Well, that's different.
So she left you for your friend?
She sounds like a bitch.
So, you said you
worked in an office?
What is it that you do?
Yeah, I work at an
insurance company downtown.
Which one?
Current Western.
I've never heard of it.
It's pretty new.
So how's it going?
It's going.
I'll tell you the truth, I
can't wait to get out of there.
It's just, it's terrible.
It's destroying my
will to live, really.
I look at you and I think.
Well, so what do you
see yourself doing?
Well, I want to freelance.
As what?
That's what I need
to figure out.
I really like what I do.
But I mean, my life
is not perfect either.
There are things missing.
Like what?
Well, I really wanna travel.
Can't you?
Yes and no.
I just, I still need to
meet clients face to face.
Couldn't you video
chat or something?
Not with all of them.
Well, if you could travel,
where would you go?
London, Paris, Berlin?
No, well wait, actually
I have been to Paris.
Yeah.
I just never left the hotel.
Really?
Well, you know,
I've been to London.
That's where I met Mike.
Is that your roommate?
Yes, against my better judgment.
You know, I love him
like a brother, but.
Oh no, I know.
My roommate, Laura?
She is in a class of her own.
So you've got a cool job.
You'd like to travel more.
What else should
I know about you?
Any embarrassing secrets
you'd like to tell me?
On a first date?
You don't have to, it's okay.
It's okay.
I have an unhealthy
obsession with hot sauce.
Which one?
All of them.
I have an emergency
stash in my purse.
Wow, okay then.
What about you?
Cheesy tots.
Excuse me?
Love cheesy tots.
Could eat them for every meal.
And then my blood
might turn to curds.
I'm afraid of clowns.
Oh really?
Why?
Well, let's just say it
reminds me of my dad.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
You're not gonna go running
for the hills now, are you?
No.
Take a taxi, it's much faster.
Can I get you anything else?
Just the check, thanks.
Whenever you're ready, no rush.
We should get together
sometime, play some games.
You know, just the four of us.
God help us.
Whoa ai.
Yee hi.
All righty.
Brrrrrr.
Osaka.
How are you?
Good.
Thinking about how to take
our act to the next level.
Are you watching porn
in the living room?
Well done, Einstein.
10 out of 10.
Could you maybe not watch
porn in the shared space?
Oh, you're so boring.
What's this one called?
Guess.
No idea.
"Finnegan's Wank."
Oh, so, I've got some news.
You're gonna stop watching
porn in the shared space?
Oh, fucking whiny Puritans.
No, I've got us a job.
Great.
What's it this time?
Working in a rodeo?
No.
Where is it?
England.
Seriously?
No, I'm making it up.
Yes, seriously.
Limited run at the
Rowntree Theater in London,
and then, a regional tour.
That's good.
I know.
How'd you manage that?
Look, the production
company's got an office here,
and in London.
They want us to do a
show before they commit.
Rock, and may I also say, roll?
This is fantastic.
Well done buddy.
Thanks, mate.
So we should have a
drink to celebrate.
Hey, I don't want to jinx it.
Oh, come on.
I forgot, you're British.
You don't get excited.
Fuck you very much.
I forgot to tell you, I've
got some great news, too.
Oh my God.
You, with good news?
I've started dating.
Really?
Anyone I know?
As a matter of fact,
remember that gig we did
for that woman
with coulrophobia?
Oh yes.
Oh yeah, fuck, she was hot.
Oh no, hang on.
Does she know that
you, you know?
No.
No.
Right.
And now you're dating?
Therapists attack.
Okay, well that's great.
I'm really happy for
you, that's great.
They're both thrilled.
Okay, time's up.
Good job this week.
You know, we never
did have dinner.
I know, it's not that
I didn't want to.
I understand.
It's just,
you know?
I know.
Maybe we could draw the
line and start again?
What do you say?
You know, I have tons of
friends who have kids,
and I've never been to
one of their parties.
Just in case.
That's a shame.
I mean, who in their right
mind would be a clown anyway?
Exactly.
Clowns are just so stupid.
Yeah, they're losers.
So tell me more
about your roommate.
Laura?
God, how much time you got?
Well, she does software things.
She's single.
She is?
It's been three weeks.
Have you told her yet?
We agreed to this.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
You're Mike.
Yeah, hello.
How are you?
I'm good.
Good.
Come on in.
So, I'm really glad you
guys could come over.
More than happy to.
Yeah, it was, it was awfully
nice of you to invite me.
Awfully.
So where in England
are you from, Mike?
He's not from England.
He's from South Africa.
No, he's from England.
Yeah, no, she's right,
I'm from England.
But well done for guessing
correctly the first time,
by the way, most people don't.
So where are
you from in England?
I'm from London.
How simply spiffing, old chap.
Pip pip, cheerio.
So I heard this
joke the other day.
There were two old
ladies on a beach.
Oh my God, that's so funny.
Go ahead Mike, finish the joke.
No, it's okay.
No, it's okay.
I want to hear it.
Yeah, please finish it.
No, it's fine.
Look, it's been built up now.
Just finish it.
Okay.
There are two old
ladies on a beach.
Naked man runs past.
One had a stroke, the
other couldn't reach.
Oh my God, one had a stroke.
No she didn't, no
darling, she didn't.
She didn't actually
have a stroke.
No, she had a stroke.
No, it's a play
on words, you see?
Oh yes, okay, yes.
That's very funny.
Well, I liked how it rhymed.
Your people can't spell.
Not according to
your dictionary.
You put U in words
where it doesn't belong.
Flav-our?
It's flavor.
Don't even get me started
on the silent letters.
Why don't you just
learn to talk right?
I will if you will.
Do you wanna help me in the
kitchen with the pizzas?
Shouldn't we wait for the alarm?
No, they need preparation.
This is going so well.
I know.
Maybe we should just order out.
Not the pizza, the evening.
It's what I meant.
So what do we do?
Tie ourselves to the mast
and ride out the storm.
Okay, I don't really
know what that means,
but I think that we
should stay in here
until we figure something out.
Could be in here a long time.
That's a nice painting.
It's quite warm with
the, the yellows.
Actually, it's a little
depressing, isn't it?
Because where is everybody?
I mean, two empty chairs
and there's a door open.
You said you were gonna call.
Dude, what the eff?
You told me not to.
Did I?
Did I?
Yeah, you did.
Really?
I don't believe you.
Don't you think
it's kind of weird
our roommates are dating?
Nope.
But it's kind of a
coincidence, right?
So?
Maybe they went to get drinks?
Oh my God, I hope so.
I hope she's not
bringing him down.
Look, something I've been
wanting to talk to you about?
Since they're not here, it
might be a perfect opportunity.
What?
What did you wanna
talk to me about?
Well, in the simplest of terms,
I'm falling for you.
What?
I'm sorry, did you just say
that you're falling for me?
Well, when I said falling,
the -ing implies a verb used
as a present participle.
Oh, really?
Well, did you know that
it can also sometimes
be used as an independent
noun or adjective?
It can also be used as a gerund.
Well, if I'm being
completely honest,
falling isn't just a
present participle.
It's also a past-tense word.
Really?
'Cause it's something
that happened in the past,
and it's continuing
to happen now.
Do you wanna stay over?
Come on.
Oh, I thought you guys
went to get drinks.
I went to get something
to read so I didn't have
to talk to Mr. Afternoon
Tea, I don't know where,
I'm sorry, what's
your name again?
Mike, was it?
I don't know where Mike went.
I was just in the loo, bathroom.
Because I had, you know.
Bit of a.
Frog in your throat?
Yes, that's exactly it.
Well, that pizza
smells delicious.
I can't believe you
were like that tonight.
Like what?
You were being
really rude to Mike.
I thought I was being nice.
No, you were being rude.
P.S., I almost punched
you in the nuts.
That would've been a neat trick.
Well, I would've bought
you a bag of nuts
and then punched you in them.
Yeah, your wife.
She has good taste.
Not in men.
Evening.
So, make yourself
useful, give me a drink.
Didn't think you
were gonna show.
Neither did I.
Look, we had a thing.
Which time?
Both times.
You were asking for it, but
it's not gonna happen again.
You're too needy.
You're a clingy little bitch.
I'm a clingy bitch?
Look, I know you
want all of this.
You're only human.
But there's only so
much that can go around.
I agree.
Never again.
Why buy the book when you
can browse the library?
Exactly.
Howard?
Jesus, how many
signals do you need?
What?
Well hang on a second, you said.
Don't tell me what I said.
I need you to put that in there.
Okay, right, right.
Let's drink up.
Do you have a tab open?
No, but I have
something else open.
Hi.
Let's go.
Wait, do you have protection?
Shit.
Hit me, hit me.
I love you.
Morning, kitten.
You're up early.
No, you're up late.
Depends on the time zone.
Well, in this one
you're up late.
Sorry mom, won't happen again.
Until next time.
So, you slept with Oscar yet?
I'm still pissed
about the other night.
Why?
What did he do?
He didn't do anything,
I'm talking about you.
What the hell did I do?
Oh, that.
You take things too seriously.
Listen, have you slept
with him yet or not?
What?
No.
Look, Mother Teresa, you
need to sleep with a guy
to get rid of that
sexual tension.
You know, show off
a bit of tittage.
Don't wear jeans, you
need to make it easy
for him to access the poo-swa.
Don't make this about me.
It is about you.
You're gonna need to see
if he's actually interested
in you, or if he just wants
to see your titty-lalas.
Ah, how's the arm?
It's like the doctor drilled
a spear through my tricep.
Is that a euphemism?
No.
Oh, yeah.
I had an injection like
that one before I came here.
Forgot to warn you.
Fuck you very much.
You're welcome.
UK immigration said
they'll set me up
with an interview
date, so, now we wait.
Great.
You know, Denver always
wanted to go to England.
Really?
With the greatest
respect, shut the fuck up.
You know, I can't help it.
They like the same
things, Denver and Hazel.
Look, you've got to
stop thinking about her.
If you don't stop
thinking about her mate,
she's gotta play on your mind.
I'm fine, okay?
It's fine.
What are you, 12?
Cute, nice.
I think I'll order the medium
thin crust four cheese pizza.
You just said, "Maybe we
should get some new friends."
Why would we do that?
I don't know.
I kind of like the
ones we have right now.
Don't you?
Are you feeling okay?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Where were we?
God, you make me sick.
So what's your
favorite type of music?
Are you listening to me?
Hey.
What were you saying?
I said, are
you listening to me?
I was asking about your
favorite type of music.
Do you prefer her to me?
Yes.
Yes, yes?
Who?
Yes, I think we should continue.
Okay, good.
I'm glad to know
you've been listening.
Hazel, do you, do you see?
Do I see what?
What's going on?
Nothing, nothing.
Favorite type of music, right?
Well, I am partial to the blues,
naturally, being a Chicagoan.
Do you think she's more
attractive than me?
I mean, she's taller,
I'll give her that.
You know, I've been
also trying to get
into some other types
of music recently.
Her boobs are bigger.
I thought you
preferred smaller ones.
Well, I like big ones now.
Big ones?
Oh, yeah.
It's a new indie rock band.
Big Ones, yeah.
Oh my God.
They're fake.
They are not fake.
What are not fake?
The cheeses on this pizza,
made from real cheese, milk.
None of that weird,
fake vegan stuff.
Oh, weird.
Speaking of weird?
She's blonde, not your type.
Right.
I will not be ignored.
You know, are you free tomorrow?
Are you sure you're
feeling okay?
I'm in your memory.
Yeah, you know, I'm sorry,
but I just remembered
that I have to be somewhere.
I'll see you tomorrow, okay?
Sure.
Hi.
Hey girl, hey.
Some flowers came for you today.
Oh, who are they from?
I don't know, let me guess.
Oh, that's right.
I don't have that ability.
Well, there's usually
a note with them.
It's true, it did.
It said "From You Know Who."
God, he is romantic, isn't he?
Well, where are they?
In the toilet.
What?
We don't have a vase.
That's pretty.
You know, my grandmother
gave this to me
for my birthday last year.
You remember my birthday
last year, right?
You passed out all over
the bathroom floor.
Did I tell you my grandma's
having an eye operation?
Oh, is it serious?
Kind of.
She has a detached
rectum, so if she doesn't
have the surgery,
she'll go blind.
I think you mean she
has a detached retina.
Retina, rectum.
Either way, it's
hard for her to see.
Did you make this?
I figured guacamole
would be a good test.
Test?
They say if you can eat
messy food with somebody,
you've seen them at the worst.
Eating guacamole
is me at my worst.
I like your worst.
Oh, worst job ever?
I once was a sports mascot.
I played a dog.
What was it for?
Just some promotional event.
Did your dog have a name?
Snuffles.
You were a dog named Snuffles?
I was.
That sounds cute.
What was so bad about it?
I threw up in my helmet.
Did they see you do it?
No.
Ha, they found out
about it afterward.
Oh, and there was a little kid
who headbutted me in the nuts.
Yeah, you can laugh,
but I seriously wondered
if I'd ever be
able to have kids.
And can you?
What about you, huh?
What's your worst job?
I worked in a lemon as a carnie.
What?
No joke.
Fresh squeezed lemonade.
You sold lemonade at a carnival?
Oh, and, also, worked
in a cheese curd stand.
I had to put the
cheese in the batter,
the batter in the
fryer like that.
Sounds pretty awful.
I think you win.
Oh, you've got something
on your cheek there.
Oh, is it gone?
No, here, let me get it.
Can we just be completely
honest with each other?
Absolutely.
Is there anything
that I need to know?
No, not that I can think of.
Oh, there is one thing.
What?
I adore you.
Is a kiss okay?
Yeah.
Sorry, I used to be able
to do this with one hand.
Okay, no pressure.
Hold on, I almost, is there
like a button or something?
No, I don't wanna
kill the moment,
but you're really cutting
off my circulation.
I'm so sorry.
No, it's okay, here.
Sorry.
No problem.
There, now.
Where were we?
Where were we?
You know, it's just
kind of struck me
how disgusting this is?
Well, you picked it.
Not the flavor.
The fact that I'm eating
ice cream on the john.
Well, that could be worse.
You could be,
you know, using it.
That would be worse.
Oh my gosh, I'm so
sorry, I totally forgot.
Thank you for my gift.
You must think I'm
such a terrible person.
Your gift?
You know what gift.
I do?
The flowers, silly.
Oh yeah.
Flowers, of course.
Oh, you're welcome.
Are you ready for the
best dating advice ever?
Okay, I'll humor you.
Okay, this will
help you figure out
if he's going to cheat on you.
How would I ever know that
without a lie detector?
And even then, I don't.
Okay, if it doesn't work,
it'll be one for the rub tub.
What is a rub tub?
Rub tub.
You know, rub tub.
Oh, Jesus.
Just, what's the advice?
Okay, if your guy's
junk is extra large,
he's gonna cheat on you.
But doesn't that go
against, size matters?
Not really.
If his penis is wide
and his balls are big,
then there's your
cheater right there.
Science, my friend.
Science.
Hello.
Hi.
What were you doing?
Oh, well, I was just
looking at your penis.
You were what?
I was looking at your penis.
But haven't you seen it already?
No, look, guys with larger
than average testicles
and wide penises are the
most likely to cheat.
Laura told me, and it
was in some magazine,
and of course, I don't
believe it for a second,
and it's such a stupid idea.
But you thought
you'd check anyway?
Well, yeah.
No, I mean,
yeah, I guess.
Wait.
And what was your conclusion?
Well, let's just say that
you are
average.
No, no, God no.
I don't mean like
average, average.
No, I don't mean that.
What I want to say is that,
you know,
everything looks good.
Can we go back to sleep now?
Oh dear God, yes.
Don't forget, we've
got a meeting tomorrow
about the England job.
What time?
12 til two.
I'm supposed to meet
Hazel for lunch.
Cancel it.
Cancel it?
Yeah.
She'll understand, you've
got a prior engagement.
Look, I'm getting pretty
serious about her.
You're dating her now, but
by the end of the year,
you'll be bonking some
cute little limey.
Pretty happy with
the way things are.
What do you want for lunch?
Don't mind me, you
just check your phone.
Sorry, I was just
checking the time.
Do you have someplace to be?
No.
Un-fucking-believable.
The best you can come
up with is, sorry.
It went out of my head.
How the fuck can it
go out of your head?
Jesus, I didn't think Hazel
was gonna be a problem.
Things are different.
You can say that again.
You're acting like a
fucking horny teenager.
I'm not going to England.
You can't just pull out
of the visa process.
Why not?
If you pull out now,
they're gonna make it
really difficult for you later.
I'll cross that bridge,
if I ever come to it.
Comedy's what we do.
We create laughter.
If we don't do that, then
what the fuck are we?
We're clowns.
Oh, fuck you.
Mike.
So did you check out
his, you know, peeny?
I am never listening
to you ever again.
You guys up for another round?
Yeah.
Okay, it's a government job.
President.
No, they run into
burning buildings.
Twats.
Yes, but they rescue people.
Superheroes.
Superheroes is a government job?
Silly Brit.
No, they,
they have big, long hoses.
Firemen.
Yes.
Okay, he comes from
a country that,
historically, your
people don't like.
Wales.
No, the other one.
Scotland.
No.
Ireland.
Australia.
Germany?
We're gonna be here all night.
There are a lot of countries.
America.
Shh.
Bonjour.
Oh, France.
Yes, okay.
French Revolution.
Napoleon.
Yes.
Time's up.
God, that was a long list.
There's a lot of
people we don't like.
Okay, so in that round,
you scored three.
Oscar, we can beat that.
All right.
Everybody quiet.
Nobody said anything.
Oh, you can pick another one.
You don't have to do that one.
It's okay, I'm sure
I can figure it out.
Okay.
Children love you.
Bullshit.
Candy.
No, you turn up
at special events.
Santa Claus.
No.
Tooth fairy.
No, you're popular amongst
big groups of kids.
Chicken pox.
I'm a person, Mike.
Not in some people's eyes.
Not helping.
You're an entertainer.
Magician?
No.
Face painter.
No.
Puppets?
No, you don't like them.
Spiders?
Spiders entertain children?
I need a better clue.
Oh, I got it.
What, what?
What is that?
It was a clue.
No, what is that?
Oh, it's a kazoo.
Why do you have it?
And why were you
playing that tune?
So what's the answer?
A clown.
So?
Everybody knows that tune,
they play it at the circus.
But why do you have a kazoo?
What are you getting at?
I'm just saying it's weird, and,
well, I had a therapy
session, and they brought
in these two clowns, and
they played that tune.
So?
So, it's weird, is
what I'm saying.
There's no way that he could
have known that, right?
I think you're
being unreasonable.
I've never seen where you work.
I've never seen where you work.
I work here.
Look, I get where you're
coming from, but I just happen
to own a kazoo.
Mike bought it for me.
Yeah, I bought him the kazoo.
Why?
Why not?
I mean, look at him.
Big fat fingers, long
tall drink of piss.
There's no way he can play a
real instrument though, right?
So eloquent.
And to think, this
little stubby toad came
from the same place that
gave us Shakespeare.
That was a shitty
thing you guys did.
You're the worst.
Yeah?
Blow me.
Maybe I'm just tired.
I'm probably
overreacting, I'm sorry.
I don't really think
that you're a clown.
Thank you.
No more of a clown than
Laura here, or Mike.
While we're on the
subject, Hazel,
how do you feel
about clown fish?
Ha ha.
You wanna get
together next week?
Sure.
What do you wanna do?
I know someone who's
having a house party.
We could go there.
Sounds good.
Good.
Hey.
What I said the other
day about clowning?
I didn't mean it.
I mean, I feel like here.
Is she here?
Don't know.
Okay.
Hello darling.
Hi.
Hey, Mike.
Hey.
Did you bring wine?
Yeah, of course,
everybody brings wine.
Exactly.
So you're basically
saying to the hostess,
your choice of wine sucks.
Mine's better.
No.
What sort of wine did you bring?
Brought a ros.
Oh, Buddha.
What is it with you and ros?
What did you bring?
Well, I am going to
go open the ros,
and I will pour you a drink.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Got the gig rearranged.
You did?
Yep.
Hey, where's Laura?
What do you mean?
You know what I mean.
I got you a drink.
Oh, thanks love.
Oh, love, rehashing
old times already.
Holy shit.
Hello, Oscar.
Michael.
There are only three
people in the world
that call me that.
My parents and a small,
curly-haired dwarf.
Oh, I didn't see
you there, Denver.
I stand corrected.
I saw you, but you
got overlooked.
Oh, still as witty as ever.
Where's Xander Black?
I thought you liked
the strong silent type.
Ugh, it's not working
out, he's somewhere.
It's mine.
But on another level.
Oh my God.
That's a shame, considering
you spent more time
on your back than
Michelangelo did
with the Sistine Chapel.
Oh, there's that Irish charm.
Not Irish, I'm English.
All the same, isn't it Michael?
Why don't you get a fishing rod
and stand in a garden somewhere?
Are you going to introduce me?
I'm his past.
You are?
His present, and his future.
This is Denver.
Presumably named after the
city you were conceived in?
That's a little personal,
don't you think?
Well, could be worse,
could be Oshkosh.
Whoa, I see what you did there.
I'll leave you to it.
Hang on, Hazel.
Who's she?
You already discovered that.
It's a simple question, you
don't have to be hostile.
Hostile?
What a fucking joke.
So delicately put, as always.
Who do you even
know at this party?
Chicago's a small city.
No, it isn't.
Comparatively speaking.
Compared to what?
Before you started acting
like this, I was going
to tell you that
I made a mistake.
What about Xander Black?
That's an impulsive fling.
An impulsive fling?
It was 18 months.
Yes.
You bought a house together.
Yes, that was impulsive.
Unbelievable.
You hurt me.
I can't believe those words
are coming outta your mouth.
You told me that you were
going to be successful.
When did I say that?
We were gonna do all these
things, but not until you had
a nationally recognized show.
That's something
you wanted from me.
I never could have
guaranteed that.
I have come to realize
that I still love you.
You're telling me this now?
Better now than not at all.
Is she accepting of?
Hazel.
Is Hazel accepting
of who you are?
There's not that
many of us around.
Oh, that's unfortunate.
Oscar?
Oscar?
I still love you.
You know, if I had known
that your ex-girlfriend
was going to be there, I
could have been more prepared.
Hey, I didn't know she
was gonna be there.
Look, I don't want
you to be concerned.
I haven't seen her
in a long time.
What did she even say?
She asked if we wanted
to get back together.
It's ridiculous.
And?
And?
What do you mean and?
And I told her it's
over, I've moved on.
No, your ex-girlfriend is here.
You have a chance to bail.
I don't want that.
You don't?
No.
Well, I don't want it either.
This is, this is
a big deal for me.
I love you.
I love you too.
Can we just go home?
Of course.
You said you loved me.
As I recall, you said
the feeling was mutual.
It is.
Do you love me more
than ice cream?
Who says I love ice cream?
Oh, you stabbed me in back.
Do you love me more
than the food here?
That's difficult,
it's pretty good.
Oscar.
Oscar.
How do they know your name?
Oscar.
This must be a different Oscar.
Oscar Davis.
I don't know them.
We know you from clowning.
Hey lady, he's a keeper.
Tell Mike I said hi.
I can explain.
Can we just be completely
honest with each other?
I'm afraid of clowns.
I mean, who, their right
mind would be a clown?
No more of a clown
than Laura, here.
Flowers, of course.
What is it that you do?
Come on.
No, I can't.
Hey.
Hey ya.
Thanks very much for coming in.
I'm Amy Grantham,
Head of Entertainment
for the US division
of HRP Enterprises.
These are my assistants,
Tom and Chuck.
We understand you have
a show for us today?
Yes, we do.
Good.
You ready?
Okay.
Take a look at it.
My God.
Come on.
Take a look at it, come on now.
I don't think you're being
honest with yourself.
What's it really going to do?
Nothing.
It's okay.
You're all right,
you're doing okay.
On a scale of one to 10.
Eight.
Okay.
I think that's
all for this week.
You're making definite progress.
I think it was a good idea
having those two clowns come in.
Maybe we should do it again.
Once was enough.
Of course, this
shouldn't be torture.
It may feel like it at times.
One last question.
Did you get the flowers?
There was a note,
"You Know Who."
That was you?
Look, we had something once.
Why can't we again?
I don't know.
Well, it was fun.
We had fun, didn't we?
Yeah.
Remember we stayed up talking
until dawn, like teenagers.
I was so tired.
What a night it was.
You know, don't take
this the wrong way, but,
I think that you are
in love with the idea of me,
someone that you can rescue.
But, I'm not that
person anymore.
I know.
Which is why I think
we should start fresh.
What do you say?
Well.
We'll do it correctly this time.
Come on.
Make a decision.
I'm going to.
How hard can it be?
Now I'm feeling a
lot of pressure.
Pressure.
There's no pressure.
Okay, I appreciate
all that you've done
and the support that
you've given me,
but I,
it was just that one time.
For God's sake, make a decision.
If you don't, you'll
be a fucking coward.
We both know that
that is bullshit.
I shouldn't have
even come back here.
I don't need you.
Have a nice life.
Come on.
Okay.
Oscar's outside singing.
Holy shit.
Hey.
This whole relationship
was based on a lie.
Depends what your
definition of lying is.
Oh, so you're not a clown.
Wait, what are you asking me?
Will you be my fuck buddy
until the end of time,
and a bit longer?
Okay, I'm into it.
But being a clown is what
makes my life worth living.
I bring joy to people's lives.
I get excited to do this.
And then you came into my life,
and you brought
such joy into mine.
And you accept me for who I am.
I don't even know who you are.
Look, I know I should
have been honest with you.
No, you've been lying
to me this whole time.
And then you show up
here today as a clown.
I'm not magically cured.
And I don't know
if I can handle you
doing anything that
you do like this.
But,
I love you,
and I want to be with you,
and, I'm willing to make this
work, and to try to be better.
But you have to be honest
with me, you cannot lie.
Maybe me being with
a clown is like,
oh my God, like
complete madness, but,
I would also be with the
man, and that's who I want
to be with, and
spend my life with.
There is one more thing.
Mike and I have a have a job
in England.
In England?
Look, I love you too.
This is really important to me.
Birthday parties
are great and all,
but I wanna do something
that'll leave a legacy.
Do you understand that?
I really need this,
and, it's gonna be a while.
For how long?
Six months, maybe a year.
Well,
that's great.
I'm really happy for you.
Come with me.
To England?
Why not?
I'll have to think about it.
Sure, no, no.
That's no problem,
yep, plenty of time.
I'm your consultant.
Of course, we can make it work.
Your feelings are
affecting your performance.
I don't know, I've been
making a lot of progress.
Denver would've been proud.
Look, mate.
I know it's been difficult, but
we both know Denver is dead.
She's not dead, we broke up.
Exactly.
You broke up a year ago.
You got the rest of your
life to get over it.
It's easy for you to say.
Okay, so, you got anything new?
Oh yeah, actually.
No, apart
from the juggling.
Oh, no.
Well, I did.
I got a new version
of the balloon sword.
Ready?
Excuse me.
All right, okay.
Make a coochie.
Make four balls.
Take the penis.
Push it through the coochie.
Classy.
I know.
Oh, sorry guys, I
thought you were done.
Hey, Bopsey, it's
Oscar and Mike.
Hey guys.
What's up?
Hey, Bipsey and
Bopsey, how's it going?
Good.
Just putting the finishing
touches on our show.
We're touring the Midwest
starting next week.
Wow, that's exciting.
We're still doing the
birthday party circuit.
That must be rewarding.
It is.
Hi, Mike.
Hi there.
Well, I think we
can call it a day.
We got the, the whirly gigs,
and then the hat business,
and then we finish
with the jazz hands.
That should be enough.
Oh, before I forget,
Mike was just showing
me how to make
a new version of
a balloon sword.
Oh, show us.
I love balloon animals.
Cool.
So, what is it you first?
First you make a coochie.
There you go.
And then you make a few balls.
And then you take the
penis, and you put it
through the coochie.
And voil.
I think it looks
more like a butthole.
Yeah, that's a sphincter.
Aloha.
How was last night?
I have absolutely
no idea home slice,
so it must have been fantastic.
Did you meet anybody?
Did I meet anybody?
Yes?
No.
Probably?
I'm gonna go with probably.
Well, can you at least
remember his name?
Pretty sure it was,
goodbye, have a nice life.
You do, what the eff?
Wow.
You are such a stud.
I could teach you a
thing or three, lady.
Do you mind if I?
Don't mind me.
Don't worry, I'm fully
armed in case of, you know.
Oh my God.
What, what, what, what,
what, what, what, what?
I'm just fucking with you
Laura, why would you do that?
'Cause it's funny.
You only hate clowns
'cause they're trendy.
How many times do
I have to tell you?
I'm seeing a therapist.
How often do you see
clowns on a daily basis?
I don't know if they're
gonna come on in commercials.
I can never go to the circus.
Who goes to the circus?
What decade is this?
Look, it's like my
one thing, okay?
And I told myself that this
year I was gonna finally,
shit I gotta take this, sorry.
Amy, hi, how was
the presentation?
Amy, I'm sorry.
Can you hold on for
just a brief second?
Thanks.
What?
Wanna smoke some weed?
I'm working.
Come on, we could get
shwasted, and spend the rest
of the afternoon
watching cartoons?
Or, we could do this.
I could finish this
call, and you could
discover the joys of meditation.
I don't like meditation,
I tried it once.
I didn't get
relaxed fast enough.
Now a bong, on the other hand?
I'm so sorry, Julie.
Amy.
Amy, I am so sorry, Amy.
Okay.
This is the final image I
want to show you for today.
How scary is this on
a scale of one to 10?
Seven.
Okay.
So in a moment,
we'll go next door.
How many exits are there?
Don't worry, I'll be
in there with you.
Is the clown going to be
in there when I arrive?
No, you'll enter first,
and then the clown
will be brought in.
Or, should I say clowns, plural?
Oh, how many clowns?
Two.
So make yourself comfortable,
and I'll send in the clowns.
It's hot.
Look, I don't think
I can go in there.
Not unless I'm heavily
armed, or heavily sedated.
Or both.
They're gonna eat me.
Do you really believe
that's going to happen?
Ah, well?
No.
You're right.
Well, of course you're right.
You're right.
They're not going to eat me.
That doesn't make any sense.
Okay, so moving on both
literally and figuratively.
That was a big step
you made today.
And you certainly don't
have to fear a clown.
And remember, the more
we expose you to it,
the more your anxiety will lift.
You know, you and I should
have dinner sometime.
Thank you for the invite.
And think about it.
I make a great
Vietnamese souffl.
Well, I'm gonna go, so
I'll see you next week?
Au revoir.
You were totally staring.
Me?
Yes, you.
Do I know you?
Really?
Let me guess.
You're single?
Ouch.
Ouch, okay.
Can't believe you just said
ouch, but, nobody's perfect.
So.
What do you do for a living?
Mind reader.
What?
No, you're not.
See, I knew you
were gonna say that.
Okay, that was good, nice.
Regaining your
composure, I like it.
Do we know each other?
You know, we were doing so well.
And then you had to resort
to pick up line 101.
Oscar, um, Davis.
Um is your middle name?
Yes it is.
Oh, okay.
Hazel Westmoore.
Well, it was really
nice to have met you.
Have a nice life.
Look at this.
Great.
On the clown scale, it
goes, theater clown,
circus clown, hospital
clown, rodeo clown,
birthday parties, street
performer, jester, mime.
He's on the bottom rung.
What about your mother?
She fits in there somewhere.
I've got something to
fit in your mother.
Depressing to see this.
We should make our
mission to crush him.
I'm so stressed.
I wish I smoked.
You should take up crack.
Make a man out of you.
Why did you gotta show
me this bozo's poster?
He's no bozo.
Fact is, he's not
better than us.
He performed the
lowest in our class.
Remember?
Yeah.
Lowest in the class.
Lowest with morals.
Denver wasn't entirely innocent.
Look, what's the
solution then, huh?
More birthday gigs?
More corporate jobs?
The truth is, there's
a huge gulf between
what we're doing,
and what he's doing.
Don't get me wrong, I
like what we're doing.
We're our own boss.
But, truth is, I wanna
move things forward.
Give ourselves a promotion.
Beyond us getting a grant,
which is notoriously difficult.
I dunno.
Maybe we should just get
outta here for a while.
Take a vacation.
Yeah.
We could go to Europe,
maybe go to England,
visit the motherland.
England?
I thought you were
from Australia.
Hey, what's that dish called?
Frog in a puddle?
Toad in the hole.
Sounds awful.
Anyway, your weather there
is notoriously shitty.
Have you ever had a
winter in Chicago?
Look, fact is, we could have
been in New York right now,
doing an off off-Broadway show.
But, oh no.
Fuck New York.
Typical Chicagoan bullshit.
The pizzas are too thin,
the pizzas are too thin.
You know I'm gonna fuck
you right in the wind trap.
What's?
The belly button.
Guess what I ran into earlier?
Gandhi?
No, it was the
woman we were entertaining.
Hazel.
Oh, she was insane.
No, she had a phobia.
Phobia my ass, mate.
She was mad.
I suppose you could have
sex with her, at least.
We had a connection.
A connection?
Listen, a bit of rebound
minge never hurt anybody.
Doesn't matter who it is, mate.
Minge, is minge, is minge.
So if you meet this, Emma?
Hazel.
Hazel.
Where would you take her?
All the way.
Ugh, I've gotta create
two online apps,
and they've gotta
be easy to use.
Easy to use from
whose perspective?
So instead, you're getting high.
Have to.
Otherwise I'll build four
apps and have no social life.
I thought you were going
for that senior position.
I was.
But I wouldn't have enough
time for fun and games.
Quit smoking weed, and you
might be more productive.
That's funny.
Come on, everything
in moderation.
Including moderation.
Wait a second.
Did you tell me just now
that you're going on a date?
Don't worry, I'll
identify your body.
Yeah, like I told
you, like a week ago.
You did?
Holy shit, did I just time jump?
No, I was exaggerating.
It was like 10 minutes ago.
Oh, thank God.
Thought I was gonna
have to call up one
of my buddies at CERN
and have him test this.
Okay, just gimme the
abridged version,
then I'm gonna eat a
chocolate sheet cake.
Well he's, he's funny.
That means he's ugly.
No.
He's cute.
But you said he was funny first.
When you say a guy funny as the
first thing to describe him,
that means he's ugly.
Just the way it is, Haze.
Sorry.
Well, he, he likes games.
It'll never work.
You hate games.
That is not strictly true.
Okay.
What was the last
game you played?
What is that one with
the board and the dice?
It's like all board
games ever invented.
Ever.
No, it isn't.
All right, just don't
come crying to me
when he asks you what
your favorite game is.
He is never going to ask me
what my favorite game is.
So what's your favorite game?
Oh, I love them all.
Love games.
Mm, love games.
But not in relationships,
I do not do well with that.
I went on this date
with this guy online,
and he turned up
dressed like a pirate.
What?
And the hat, parrot.
He had a live parrot?
Yes, a real parrot.
And he called me matey, mm-hmm.
Oh my gosh, did he
have a pirate ship?
No, no, no, no.
He nicknamed his
car the pirate ship.
Oh my gosh.
Well, you know, I also got out
of a relationship recently.
Well, it ended about a year ago.
What happened?
I'm not sure.
I thought we were
gonna get married, but,
she had this idea of
what she wanted me to be,
and, it wasn't me.
She played games.
I think I'm more like you.
You know, I just see
things in black and white.
She left me for
a friend of mine.
Former friend.
He's a mime.
Well, that's different.
So she left you for your friend?
She sounds like a bitch.
So, you said you
worked in an office?
What is it that you do?
Yeah, I work at an
insurance company downtown.
Which one?
Current Western.
I've never heard of it.
It's pretty new.
So how's it going?
It's going.
I'll tell you the truth, I
can't wait to get out of there.
It's just, it's terrible.
It's destroying my
will to live, really.
I look at you and I think.
Well, so what do you
see yourself doing?
Well, I want to freelance.
As what?
That's what I need
to figure out.
I really like what I do.
But I mean, my life
is not perfect either.
There are things missing.
Like what?
Well, I really wanna travel.
Can't you?
Yes and no.
I just, I still need to
meet clients face to face.
Couldn't you video
chat or something?
Not with all of them.
Well, if you could travel,
where would you go?
London, Paris, Berlin?
No, well wait, actually
I have been to Paris.
Yeah.
I just never left the hotel.
Really?
Well, you know,
I've been to London.
That's where I met Mike.
Is that your roommate?
Yes, against my better judgment.
You know, I love him
like a brother, but.
Oh no, I know.
My roommate, Laura?
She is in a class of her own.
So you've got a cool job.
You'd like to travel more.
What else should
I know about you?
Any embarrassing secrets
you'd like to tell me?
On a first date?
You don't have to, it's okay.
It's okay.
I have an unhealthy
obsession with hot sauce.
Which one?
All of them.
I have an emergency
stash in my purse.
Wow, okay then.
What about you?
Cheesy tots.
Excuse me?
Love cheesy tots.
Could eat them for every meal.
And then my blood
might turn to curds.
I'm afraid of clowns.
Oh really?
Why?
Well, let's just say it
reminds me of my dad.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
You're not gonna go running
for the hills now, are you?
No.
Take a taxi, it's much faster.
Can I get you anything else?
Just the check, thanks.
Whenever you're ready, no rush.
We should get together
sometime, play some games.
You know, just the four of us.
God help us.
Whoa ai.
Yee hi.
All righty.
Brrrrrr.
Osaka.
How are you?
Good.
Thinking about how to take
our act to the next level.
Are you watching porn
in the living room?
Well done, Einstein.
10 out of 10.
Could you maybe not watch
porn in the shared space?
Oh, you're so boring.
What's this one called?
Guess.
No idea.
"Finnegan's Wank."
Oh, so, I've got some news.
You're gonna stop watching
porn in the shared space?
Oh, fucking whiny Puritans.
No, I've got us a job.
Great.
What's it this time?
Working in a rodeo?
No.
Where is it?
England.
Seriously?
No, I'm making it up.
Yes, seriously.
Limited run at the
Rowntree Theater in London,
and then, a regional tour.
That's good.
I know.
How'd you manage that?
Look, the production
company's got an office here,
and in London.
They want us to do a
show before they commit.
Rock, and may I also say, roll?
This is fantastic.
Well done buddy.
Thanks, mate.
So we should have a
drink to celebrate.
Hey, I don't want to jinx it.
Oh, come on.
I forgot, you're British.
You don't get excited.
Fuck you very much.
I forgot to tell you, I've
got some great news, too.
Oh my God.
You, with good news?
I've started dating.
Really?
Anyone I know?
As a matter of fact,
remember that gig we did
for that woman
with coulrophobia?
Oh yes.
Oh yeah, fuck, she was hot.
Oh no, hang on.
Does she know that
you, you know?
No.
No.
Right.
And now you're dating?
Therapists attack.
Okay, well that's great.
I'm really happy for
you, that's great.
They're both thrilled.
Okay, time's up.
Good job this week.
You know, we never
did have dinner.
I know, it's not that
I didn't want to.
I understand.
It's just,
you know?
I know.
Maybe we could draw the
line and start again?
What do you say?
You know, I have tons of
friends who have kids,
and I've never been to
one of their parties.
Just in case.
That's a shame.
I mean, who in their right
mind would be a clown anyway?
Exactly.
Clowns are just so stupid.
Yeah, they're losers.
So tell me more
about your roommate.
Laura?
God, how much time you got?
Well, she does software things.
She's single.
She is?
It's been three weeks.
Have you told her yet?
We agreed to this.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
You're Mike.
Yeah, hello.
How are you?
I'm good.
Good.
Come on in.
So, I'm really glad you
guys could come over.
More than happy to.
Yeah, it was, it was awfully
nice of you to invite me.
Awfully.
So where in England
are you from, Mike?
He's not from England.
He's from South Africa.
No, he's from England.
Yeah, no, she's right,
I'm from England.
But well done for guessing
correctly the first time,
by the way, most people don't.
So where are
you from in England?
I'm from London.
How simply spiffing, old chap.
Pip pip, cheerio.
So I heard this
joke the other day.
There were two old
ladies on a beach.
Oh my God, that's so funny.
Go ahead Mike, finish the joke.
No, it's okay.
No, it's okay.
I want to hear it.
Yeah, please finish it.
No, it's fine.
Look, it's been built up now.
Just finish it.
Okay.
There are two old
ladies on a beach.
Naked man runs past.
One had a stroke, the
other couldn't reach.
Oh my God, one had a stroke.
No she didn't, no
darling, she didn't.
She didn't actually
have a stroke.
No, she had a stroke.
No, it's a play
on words, you see?
Oh yes, okay, yes.
That's very funny.
Well, I liked how it rhymed.
Your people can't spell.
Not according to
your dictionary.
You put U in words
where it doesn't belong.
Flav-our?
It's flavor.
Don't even get me started
on the silent letters.
Why don't you just
learn to talk right?
I will if you will.
Do you wanna help me in the
kitchen with the pizzas?
Shouldn't we wait for the alarm?
No, they need preparation.
This is going so well.
I know.
Maybe we should just order out.
Not the pizza, the evening.
It's what I meant.
So what do we do?
Tie ourselves to the mast
and ride out the storm.
Okay, I don't really
know what that means,
but I think that we
should stay in here
until we figure something out.
Could be in here a long time.
That's a nice painting.
It's quite warm with
the, the yellows.
Actually, it's a little
depressing, isn't it?
Because where is everybody?
I mean, two empty chairs
and there's a door open.
You said you were gonna call.
Dude, what the eff?
You told me not to.
Did I?
Did I?
Yeah, you did.
Really?
I don't believe you.
Don't you think
it's kind of weird
our roommates are dating?
Nope.
But it's kind of a
coincidence, right?
So?
Maybe they went to get drinks?
Oh my God, I hope so.
I hope she's not
bringing him down.
Look, something I've been
wanting to talk to you about?
Since they're not here, it
might be a perfect opportunity.
What?
What did you wanna
talk to me about?
Well, in the simplest of terms,
I'm falling for you.
What?
I'm sorry, did you just say
that you're falling for me?
Well, when I said falling,
the -ing implies a verb used
as a present participle.
Oh, really?
Well, did you know that
it can also sometimes
be used as an independent
noun or adjective?
It can also be used as a gerund.
Well, if I'm being
completely honest,
falling isn't just a
present participle.
It's also a past-tense word.
Really?
'Cause it's something
that happened in the past,
and it's continuing
to happen now.
Do you wanna stay over?
Come on.
Oh, I thought you guys
went to get drinks.
I went to get something
to read so I didn't have
to talk to Mr. Afternoon
Tea, I don't know where,
I'm sorry, what's
your name again?
Mike, was it?
I don't know where Mike went.
I was just in the loo, bathroom.
Because I had, you know.
Bit of a.
Frog in your throat?
Yes, that's exactly it.
Well, that pizza
smells delicious.
I can't believe you
were like that tonight.
Like what?
You were being
really rude to Mike.
I thought I was being nice.
No, you were being rude.
P.S., I almost punched
you in the nuts.
That would've been a neat trick.
Well, I would've bought
you a bag of nuts
and then punched you in them.
Yeah, your wife.
She has good taste.
Not in men.
Evening.
So, make yourself
useful, give me a drink.
Didn't think you
were gonna show.
Neither did I.
Look, we had a thing.
Which time?
Both times.
You were asking for it, but
it's not gonna happen again.
You're too needy.
You're a clingy little bitch.
I'm a clingy bitch?
Look, I know you
want all of this.
You're only human.
But there's only so
much that can go around.
I agree.
Never again.
Why buy the book when you
can browse the library?
Exactly.
Howard?
Jesus, how many
signals do you need?
What?
Well hang on a second, you said.
Don't tell me what I said.
I need you to put that in there.
Okay, right, right.
Let's drink up.
Do you have a tab open?
No, but I have
something else open.
Hi.
Let's go.
Wait, do you have protection?
Shit.
Hit me, hit me.
I love you.
Morning, kitten.
You're up early.
No, you're up late.
Depends on the time zone.
Well, in this one
you're up late.
Sorry mom, won't happen again.
Until next time.
So, you slept with Oscar yet?
I'm still pissed
about the other night.
Why?
What did he do?
He didn't do anything,
I'm talking about you.
What the hell did I do?
Oh, that.
You take things too seriously.
Listen, have you slept
with him yet or not?
What?
No.
Look, Mother Teresa, you
need to sleep with a guy
to get rid of that
sexual tension.
You know, show off
a bit of tittage.
Don't wear jeans, you
need to make it easy
for him to access the poo-swa.
Don't make this about me.
It is about you.
You're gonna need to see
if he's actually interested
in you, or if he just wants
to see your titty-lalas.
Ah, how's the arm?
It's like the doctor drilled
a spear through my tricep.
Is that a euphemism?
No.
Oh, yeah.
I had an injection like
that one before I came here.
Forgot to warn you.
Fuck you very much.
You're welcome.
UK immigration said
they'll set me up
with an interview
date, so, now we wait.
Great.
You know, Denver always
wanted to go to England.
Really?
With the greatest
respect, shut the fuck up.
You know, I can't help it.
They like the same
things, Denver and Hazel.
Look, you've got to
stop thinking about her.
If you don't stop
thinking about her mate,
she's gotta play on your mind.
I'm fine, okay?
It's fine.
What are you, 12?
Cute, nice.
I think I'll order the medium
thin crust four cheese pizza.
You just said, "Maybe we
should get some new friends."
Why would we do that?
I don't know.
I kind of like the
ones we have right now.
Don't you?
Are you feeling okay?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Where were we?
God, you make me sick.
So what's your
favorite type of music?
Are you listening to me?
Hey.
What were you saying?
I said, are
you listening to me?
I was asking about your
favorite type of music.
Do you prefer her to me?
Yes.
Yes, yes?
Who?
Yes, I think we should continue.
Okay, good.
I'm glad to know
you've been listening.
Hazel, do you, do you see?
Do I see what?
What's going on?
Nothing, nothing.
Favorite type of music, right?
Well, I am partial to the blues,
naturally, being a Chicagoan.
Do you think she's more
attractive than me?
I mean, she's taller,
I'll give her that.
You know, I've been
also trying to get
into some other types
of music recently.
Her boobs are bigger.
I thought you
preferred smaller ones.
Well, I like big ones now.
Big ones?
Oh, yeah.
It's a new indie rock band.
Big Ones, yeah.
Oh my God.
They're fake.
They are not fake.
What are not fake?
The cheeses on this pizza,
made from real cheese, milk.
None of that weird,
fake vegan stuff.
Oh, weird.
Speaking of weird?
She's blonde, not your type.
Right.
I will not be ignored.
You know, are you free tomorrow?
Are you sure you're
feeling okay?
I'm in your memory.
Yeah, you know, I'm sorry,
but I just remembered
that I have to be somewhere.
I'll see you tomorrow, okay?
Sure.
Hi.
Hey girl, hey.
Some flowers came for you today.
Oh, who are they from?
I don't know, let me guess.
Oh, that's right.
I don't have that ability.
Well, there's usually
a note with them.
It's true, it did.
It said "From You Know Who."
God, he is romantic, isn't he?
Well, where are they?
In the toilet.
What?
We don't have a vase.
That's pretty.
You know, my grandmother
gave this to me
for my birthday last year.
You remember my birthday
last year, right?
You passed out all over
the bathroom floor.
Did I tell you my grandma's
having an eye operation?
Oh, is it serious?
Kind of.
She has a detached
rectum, so if she doesn't
have the surgery,
she'll go blind.
I think you mean she
has a detached retina.
Retina, rectum.
Either way, it's
hard for her to see.
Did you make this?
I figured guacamole
would be a good test.
Test?
They say if you can eat
messy food with somebody,
you've seen them at the worst.
Eating guacamole
is me at my worst.
I like your worst.
Oh, worst job ever?
I once was a sports mascot.
I played a dog.
What was it for?
Just some promotional event.
Did your dog have a name?
Snuffles.
You were a dog named Snuffles?
I was.
That sounds cute.
What was so bad about it?
I threw up in my helmet.
Did they see you do it?
No.
Ha, they found out
about it afterward.
Oh, and there was a little kid
who headbutted me in the nuts.
Yeah, you can laugh,
but I seriously wondered
if I'd ever be
able to have kids.
And can you?
What about you, huh?
What's your worst job?
I worked in a lemon as a carnie.
What?
No joke.
Fresh squeezed lemonade.
You sold lemonade at a carnival?
Oh, and, also, worked
in a cheese curd stand.
I had to put the
cheese in the batter,
the batter in the
fryer like that.
Sounds pretty awful.
I think you win.
Oh, you've got something
on your cheek there.
Oh, is it gone?
No, here, let me get it.
Can we just be completely
honest with each other?
Absolutely.
Is there anything
that I need to know?
No, not that I can think of.
Oh, there is one thing.
What?
I adore you.
Is a kiss okay?
Yeah.
Sorry, I used to be able
to do this with one hand.
Okay, no pressure.
Hold on, I almost, is there
like a button or something?
No, I don't wanna
kill the moment,
but you're really cutting
off my circulation.
I'm so sorry.
No, it's okay, here.
Sorry.
No problem.
There, now.
Where were we?
Where were we?
You know, it's just
kind of struck me
how disgusting this is?
Well, you picked it.
Not the flavor.
The fact that I'm eating
ice cream on the john.
Well, that could be worse.
You could be,
you know, using it.
That would be worse.
Oh my gosh, I'm so
sorry, I totally forgot.
Thank you for my gift.
You must think I'm
such a terrible person.
Your gift?
You know what gift.
I do?
The flowers, silly.
Oh yeah.
Flowers, of course.
Oh, you're welcome.
Are you ready for the
best dating advice ever?
Okay, I'll humor you.
Okay, this will
help you figure out
if he's going to cheat on you.
How would I ever know that
without a lie detector?
And even then, I don't.
Okay, if it doesn't work,
it'll be one for the rub tub.
What is a rub tub?
Rub tub.
You know, rub tub.
Oh, Jesus.
Just, what's the advice?
Okay, if your guy's
junk is extra large,
he's gonna cheat on you.
But doesn't that go
against, size matters?
Not really.
If his penis is wide
and his balls are big,
then there's your
cheater right there.
Science, my friend.
Science.
Hello.
Hi.
What were you doing?
Oh, well, I was just
looking at your penis.
You were what?
I was looking at your penis.
But haven't you seen it already?
No, look, guys with larger
than average testicles
and wide penises are the
most likely to cheat.
Laura told me, and it
was in some magazine,
and of course, I don't
believe it for a second,
and it's such a stupid idea.
But you thought
you'd check anyway?
Well, yeah.
No, I mean,
yeah, I guess.
Wait.
And what was your conclusion?
Well, let's just say that
you are
average.
No, no, God no.
I don't mean like
average, average.
No, I don't mean that.
What I want to say is that,
you know,
everything looks good.
Can we go back to sleep now?
Oh dear God, yes.
Don't forget, we've
got a meeting tomorrow
about the England job.
What time?
12 til two.
I'm supposed to meet
Hazel for lunch.
Cancel it.
Cancel it?
Yeah.
She'll understand, you've
got a prior engagement.
Look, I'm getting pretty
serious about her.
You're dating her now, but
by the end of the year,
you'll be bonking some
cute little limey.
Pretty happy with
the way things are.
What do you want for lunch?
Don't mind me, you
just check your phone.
Sorry, I was just
checking the time.
Do you have someplace to be?
No.
Un-fucking-believable.
The best you can come
up with is, sorry.
It went out of my head.
How the fuck can it
go out of your head?
Jesus, I didn't think Hazel
was gonna be a problem.
Things are different.
You can say that again.
You're acting like a
fucking horny teenager.
I'm not going to England.
You can't just pull out
of the visa process.
Why not?
If you pull out now,
they're gonna make it
really difficult for you later.
I'll cross that bridge,
if I ever come to it.
Comedy's what we do.
We create laughter.
If we don't do that, then
what the fuck are we?
We're clowns.
Oh, fuck you.
Mike.
So did you check out
his, you know, peeny?
I am never listening
to you ever again.
You guys up for another round?
Yeah.
Okay, it's a government job.
President.
No, they run into
burning buildings.
Twats.
Yes, but they rescue people.
Superheroes.
Superheroes is a government job?
Silly Brit.
No, they,
they have big, long hoses.
Firemen.
Yes.
Okay, he comes from
a country that,
historically, your
people don't like.
Wales.
No, the other one.
Scotland.
No.
Ireland.
Australia.
Germany?
We're gonna be here all night.
There are a lot of countries.
America.
Shh.
Bonjour.
Oh, France.
Yes, okay.
French Revolution.
Napoleon.
Yes.
Time's up.
God, that was a long list.
There's a lot of
people we don't like.
Okay, so in that round,
you scored three.
Oscar, we can beat that.
All right.
Everybody quiet.
Nobody said anything.
Oh, you can pick another one.
You don't have to do that one.
It's okay, I'm sure
I can figure it out.
Okay.
Children love you.
Bullshit.
Candy.
No, you turn up
at special events.
Santa Claus.
No.
Tooth fairy.
No, you're popular amongst
big groups of kids.
Chicken pox.
I'm a person, Mike.
Not in some people's eyes.
Not helping.
You're an entertainer.
Magician?
No.
Face painter.
No.
Puppets?
No, you don't like them.
Spiders?
Spiders entertain children?
I need a better clue.
Oh, I got it.
What, what?
What is that?
It was a clue.
No, what is that?
Oh, it's a kazoo.
Why do you have it?
And why were you
playing that tune?
So what's the answer?
A clown.
So?
Everybody knows that tune,
they play it at the circus.
But why do you have a kazoo?
What are you getting at?
I'm just saying it's weird, and,
well, I had a therapy
session, and they brought
in these two clowns, and
they played that tune.
So?
So, it's weird, is
what I'm saying.
There's no way that he could
have known that, right?
I think you're
being unreasonable.
I've never seen where you work.
I've never seen where you work.
I work here.
Look, I get where you're
coming from, but I just happen
to own a kazoo.
Mike bought it for me.
Yeah, I bought him the kazoo.
Why?
Why not?
I mean, look at him.
Big fat fingers, long
tall drink of piss.
There's no way he can play a
real instrument though, right?
So eloquent.
And to think, this
little stubby toad came
from the same place that
gave us Shakespeare.
That was a shitty
thing you guys did.
You're the worst.
Yeah?
Blow me.
Maybe I'm just tired.
I'm probably
overreacting, I'm sorry.
I don't really think
that you're a clown.
Thank you.
No more of a clown than
Laura here, or Mike.
While we're on the
subject, Hazel,
how do you feel
about clown fish?
Ha ha.
You wanna get
together next week?
Sure.
What do you wanna do?
I know someone who's
having a house party.
We could go there.
Sounds good.
Good.
Hey.
What I said the other
day about clowning?
I didn't mean it.
I mean, I feel like here.
Is she here?
Don't know.
Okay.
Hello darling.
Hi.
Hey, Mike.
Hey.
Did you bring wine?
Yeah, of course,
everybody brings wine.
Exactly.
So you're basically
saying to the hostess,
your choice of wine sucks.
Mine's better.
No.
What sort of wine did you bring?
Brought a ros.
Oh, Buddha.
What is it with you and ros?
What did you bring?
Well, I am going to
go open the ros,
and I will pour you a drink.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Got the gig rearranged.
You did?
Yep.
Hey, where's Laura?
What do you mean?
You know what I mean.
I got you a drink.
Oh, thanks love.
Oh, love, rehashing
old times already.
Holy shit.
Hello, Oscar.
Michael.
There are only three
people in the world
that call me that.
My parents and a small,
curly-haired dwarf.
Oh, I didn't see
you there, Denver.
I stand corrected.
I saw you, but you
got overlooked.
Oh, still as witty as ever.
Where's Xander Black?
I thought you liked
the strong silent type.
Ugh, it's not working
out, he's somewhere.
It's mine.
But on another level.
Oh my God.
That's a shame, considering
you spent more time
on your back than
Michelangelo did
with the Sistine Chapel.
Oh, there's that Irish charm.
Not Irish, I'm English.
All the same, isn't it Michael?
Why don't you get a fishing rod
and stand in a garden somewhere?
Are you going to introduce me?
I'm his past.
You are?
His present, and his future.
This is Denver.
Presumably named after the
city you were conceived in?
That's a little personal,
don't you think?
Well, could be worse,
could be Oshkosh.
Whoa, I see what you did there.
I'll leave you to it.
Hang on, Hazel.
Who's she?
You already discovered that.
It's a simple question, you
don't have to be hostile.
Hostile?
What a fucking joke.
So delicately put, as always.
Who do you even
know at this party?
Chicago's a small city.
No, it isn't.
Comparatively speaking.
Compared to what?
Before you started acting
like this, I was going
to tell you that
I made a mistake.
What about Xander Black?
That's an impulsive fling.
An impulsive fling?
It was 18 months.
Yes.
You bought a house together.
Yes, that was impulsive.
Unbelievable.
You hurt me.
I can't believe those words
are coming outta your mouth.
You told me that you were
going to be successful.
When did I say that?
We were gonna do all these
things, but not until you had
a nationally recognized show.
That's something
you wanted from me.
I never could have
guaranteed that.
I have come to realize
that I still love you.
You're telling me this now?
Better now than not at all.
Is she accepting of?
Hazel.
Is Hazel accepting
of who you are?
There's not that
many of us around.
Oh, that's unfortunate.
Oscar?
Oscar?
I still love you.
You know, if I had known
that your ex-girlfriend
was going to be there, I
could have been more prepared.
Hey, I didn't know she
was gonna be there.
Look, I don't want
you to be concerned.
I haven't seen her
in a long time.
What did she even say?
She asked if we wanted
to get back together.
It's ridiculous.
And?
And?
What do you mean and?
And I told her it's
over, I've moved on.
No, your ex-girlfriend is here.
You have a chance to bail.
I don't want that.
You don't?
No.
Well, I don't want it either.
This is, this is
a big deal for me.
I love you.
I love you too.
Can we just go home?
Of course.
You said you loved me.
As I recall, you said
the feeling was mutual.
It is.
Do you love me more
than ice cream?
Who says I love ice cream?
Oh, you stabbed me in back.
Do you love me more
than the food here?
That's difficult,
it's pretty good.
Oscar.
Oscar.
How do they know your name?
Oscar.
This must be a different Oscar.
Oscar Davis.
I don't know them.
We know you from clowning.
Hey lady, he's a keeper.
Tell Mike I said hi.
I can explain.
Can we just be completely
honest with each other?
I'm afraid of clowns.
I mean, who, their right
mind would be a clown?
No more of a clown
than Laura, here.
Flowers, of course.
What is it that you do?
Come on.
No, I can't.
Hey.
Hey ya.
Thanks very much for coming in.
I'm Amy Grantham,
Head of Entertainment
for the US division
of HRP Enterprises.
These are my assistants,
Tom and Chuck.
We understand you have
a show for us today?
Yes, we do.
Good.
You ready?
Okay.
Take a look at it.
My God.
Come on.
Take a look at it, come on now.
I don't think you're being
honest with yourself.
What's it really going to do?
Nothing.
It's okay.
You're all right,
you're doing okay.
On a scale of one to 10.
Eight.
Okay.
I think that's
all for this week.
You're making definite progress.
I think it was a good idea
having those two clowns come in.
Maybe we should do it again.
Once was enough.
Of course, this
shouldn't be torture.
It may feel like it at times.
One last question.
Did you get the flowers?
There was a note,
"You Know Who."
That was you?
Look, we had something once.
Why can't we again?
I don't know.
Well, it was fun.
We had fun, didn't we?
Yeah.
Remember we stayed up talking
until dawn, like teenagers.
I was so tired.
What a night it was.
You know, don't take
this the wrong way, but,
I think that you are
in love with the idea of me,
someone that you can rescue.
But, I'm not that
person anymore.
I know.
Which is why I think
we should start fresh.
What do you say?
Well.
We'll do it correctly this time.
Come on.
Make a decision.
I'm going to.
How hard can it be?
Now I'm feeling a
lot of pressure.
Pressure.
There's no pressure.
Okay, I appreciate
all that you've done
and the support that
you've given me,
but I,
it was just that one time.
For God's sake, make a decision.
If you don't, you'll
be a fucking coward.
We both know that
that is bullshit.
I shouldn't have
even come back here.
I don't need you.
Have a nice life.
Come on.
Okay.
Oscar's outside singing.
Holy shit.
Hey.
This whole relationship
was based on a lie.
Depends what your
definition of lying is.
Oh, so you're not a clown.
Wait, what are you asking me?
Will you be my fuck buddy
until the end of time,
and a bit longer?
Okay, I'm into it.
But being a clown is what
makes my life worth living.
I bring joy to people's lives.
I get excited to do this.
And then you came into my life,
and you brought
such joy into mine.
And you accept me for who I am.
I don't even know who you are.
Look, I know I should
have been honest with you.
No, you've been lying
to me this whole time.
And then you show up
here today as a clown.
I'm not magically cured.
And I don't know
if I can handle you
doing anything that
you do like this.
But,
I love you,
and I want to be with you,
and, I'm willing to make this
work, and to try to be better.
But you have to be honest
with me, you cannot lie.
Maybe me being with
a clown is like,
oh my God, like
complete madness, but,
I would also be with the
man, and that's who I want
to be with, and
spend my life with.
There is one more thing.
Mike and I have a have a job
in England.
In England?
Look, I love you too.
This is really important to me.
Birthday parties
are great and all,
but I wanna do something
that'll leave a legacy.
Do you understand that?
I really need this,
and, it's gonna be a while.
For how long?
Six months, maybe a year.
Well,
that's great.
I'm really happy for you.
Come with me.
To England?
Why not?
I'll have to think about it.