Fallout: The Ghoul Log (2025) Movie Script
1
Well, this ain't no Whoville, but...
it'll do.
I got me enough vials to last me
12 days of Christmas.
See this? It ain't no log.
This is a human arm.
Specifically, a fat man's.
It burns nice, doesn't it?
Surprising, huh?
I keep a few of these arms
dry aging throughout the year
just because it's so nice
during the winter.
Stay armed, stay warm.
That's what I always say.
Well, I'd give you
the season's greetings,
but we don't have much
by the way of seasons
out here anymore.
And we damn sure
don't have any Santa Claus.
My jaw hurts from talkin',
so why don't y'all stare
at this fire for a little while?
Now, if I fall asleep, make sure
you tilt my head away from it.
Yes, indeed. This is Mr. New Vegas
coming to you live from my namesake,
bringing you all your holiday favorites
this Christmas season.
Now, I hope it's warm and cozy
where you are,
and not because
you're losing consciousness.
Unless, of course,
that's what you want to do.
We all cope with the horrors of life
in our own chemical way.
I'm taking your dedications all night
and reading your Christmas greetings
and heartwarming stories live on the air.
Here's one from Bob in the former Arizona.
He writes,
"My dog ran off on Christmas Eve,
and I tell you, it was a repeat
of the exact story of Christmas.
Strangers came out of nowhere
to help us look for him,
just like the Three Kings
from Orient Are.
I was working with them
as one of the kings,
and then God is the King of all kings.
So, we had five kings,
but there were seven people total.
Two women and five men,
so five kings.
Two queens plus me, plus God.
That's nine kings total,
including queens.
And none of us knew
where the heck this dog was.
So, I'm thinking, that's like
the original Jesus from the story.
The dog is the lost baby Jesus.
So, I'm starting
to get very stressed out
because not only did I lose the dog,
but the dog would tell me
when somebody was coming.
These people appear.
They don't find him.
Plus, they keep asking me
if I have chems.
And I do, but I'm not sharing,
and I'm mad,
and that's making me feel guilty.
Yes, I have rage issues,
but that explains why
I can't part with the chems.
They're medical.
Anyways, it turns out
the dog hadn't gone far.
He heard me
executing some people earlier,
got scared and hid in the panels.
He eventually came back out
when I started roasting
one of the people I killed.
Now, I wish I'd had figured that out
before I executed all the other kings,
but I did my best with the information
I had at the time.
Long story long,
I didn't know I needed a dog
to celebrate Christmas
before I tried doing it without one.
Isn't that pathetic?
I hate myself."
Thanks, Bob.
Now, here's a holiday tune
that'll soothe you
faster than a blood brain barrier
full of gaseous chems.
Hap, hap, hap, happy New Year
Hap, hap, hap,
happy New Year
Hap, hap, hap, happy New Year,
doo-dee
We wish you a merry Christmas,
we wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you
a merry Christmas
- And a happy New Year
- New Year
Good tidings we bring
to you and your kin
We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy New Year
We all want some figgy pudding,
we all want some figgy pudding
We all want some figgy pudding,
so bring some out here
Good tidings we bring
to you and your kin
We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy New Year
We won't go until we get some,
we won't go until we get some
We won't go until we get some,
so bring some out here
Good tidings we bring
to you and your kin
We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy New Year
Hap, hap, hap, happy New Year
Hap, hap, hap, happy New Year
Hap, hap, hap, happy New Year,
doo-dee
We wish you a merry Christmas,
we wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
- And a happy New Year
- New Year
Good tidings we bring
to you and your kin
We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy New Year
We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy New Year
We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy New Year
Hap, hap, hap, happy New Year
Hap, hap, hap, happy New Year
Hap, hap, hap, happy New Year,
doo-wee
Have yourself a holiday
A happy day
Merry Christmas
Oh, I'm like a kid at Christmas
How I love the scent of pine
and snowy Christmas postcards
How they decorate my mind
Yes, I'm like a kid at Christmas
'cause it still gives me a thrill
when I feel the spirit of
goodwill
Oh, I'm like a kid at Christmas
How I love the cold, the choirs
and gifts unwrapped
by loved ones
girl, by a blazing fire
Yes, I'm like a kid at Christmas
'cause it still gives me a thrill
when I feel the spirit of
goodwill
Good, good, goodwill
Have yourself a holiday
Good, good, goodwill
Have yourself a happy day
Yes, I love the Christmas spirit
of goodwill
Now, I know that you love Christmas
All white with falling snow
A tree with all the trimmings
A touch of mistletoe
And like a kid at Christmas
how I got a wish, it's true
How I love to spend my Christmas
with you
Good, goodwill
Have yourself a holiday
Good, goodwill
Have yourself a happy day
Have yourself a holiday
Have yourself a happy day
Have yourself a holiday
Have yourself a happy day
Have yourself a holiday
Have yourself a happy day
Hi, I'm DJ Mr. New Vegas,
and picturing you sit there listening,
lounging in your lingerie,
sets my imagination
to spinning 45 rpm.
Here's a tune.
- Merry, merry Christmas
- Merry, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Children playing in the snow
- Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas
- Santa's coming soon
Soon, Santa's coming, ho ho ho
- Merry, merry Christmas
- Merry, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Everywhere there's so much joy
- Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas
- Santa's coming soon
- Soon, Santa's coming, ho ho ho
- Ho ho ho
Merry, merry,
merry, merry, merry
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
- Merry, merry Christmas
- Merry, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Children playing in the snow
- Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas
- Santa's coming soon
Soon, Santa's coming, ho ho ho
- Merry, merry Christmas
- Merry, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Everywhere there's so much joy
- Merry, merry, merry, merry, Christmas
- Santa's coming soon
Soon, Santa's coming, ho ho ho
- Santa's coming soon
- Soon, Santa's coming, ho ho ho
You know,
I love listening to these old sides,
but not as much as I love
listening to your stories.
I wanna hear from you.
Here's a little holiday yarn
from Sluggins Rex,
who writes in from the Siltlands
with this reminiscence.
"People might complain about
Christmas in the Wastelands,
but it's better than in the Vaults.
Trust me.
I celebrated Christmas
in a Vault last year, and it sucked.
They were doing this whole
Christmas in Hawaii thing,
and it was tacky and pathetic.
They were like,
'Hey there, try this kalua pork,'
and then they gave me
a cocktail weenie.
That's pretty disappointing.
Even though I hadn't been
around people in years,
I could still tell this is lame.
I guess that's kind of a gift
at Christmas,
knowing that you're
a more interesting person
than 100% of the Vaulties.
That does make me feel
like I've got the ear of Santa.
So, Santa, if you're listening,
bring back the real kalua pork.
We've all seen these giant pig creatures
roaming the Wasteland.
I'm pretty sure I have,
or at least the dust clouds
that they kick up.
What say us all listeners
band together
having a hunting party?
Half of us can dig huge holes,
fill it with these kind of hot rocks
that they have now
that never cool off,
and see if we can't get that sucker
tasting like some kalua.
I'll test it, I promise.
You can watch and see if my face
sprouts tumors instantly,
like when they started
growing corn again."
Sounds good to me, Sluggins.
I'll be first in line
to join your hunting party.
Now, who recognizes
this classic holiday tune?
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh, hey
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh
Dashing through the snow
in a one-horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
laughing all the way
Bells on bobtails ring
making spirits bright
What fun it is to ride and sing
a sleighing song tonight
Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh, hey
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh
A day or two ago
I thought I took a ride
and soon, Miss Fanny Bright,
seated by my side
The horse was lean and lank,
misfortune seemed his lot
He'd got into a drifted bank
and we, we got upsot
Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh, hey
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open
sleigh
O little town of Bethlehem
how still we see thee lie
Above thy deep
and dreamless sleep
the silent stars go by
Yet in thy dark street shineth
the everlasting light
The hopes and fears
of all the years
are met in thee tonight
Yet in thy dark street shineth
the everlasting light
The hopes and fears
of all the years
are met in thee tonight
Are met in thee
tonight
Regardless, whether you're listening
to every one of these dedications,
I will always love you forever.
Nothing can change that.
Hey, everybody, gather round
It's a rockin' holiday
We're all gonna sit
by the Christmas tree
and tomorrow's Christmas Day
Mom's on the left,
Dad's on the right
and the kids
won't leave us alone
Let's move on under that mistletoe
It's a great night to be home
It's a rockin' holiday
A rockin' holiday
It's a rockin' holiday
A rockin' holiday
Just sit right down
underneath the tree
and we'll wait for Santa's sleigh
It's quite alright
if it takes all night
It's a rockin' holiday
It's a rockin' holiday
A rockin' holiday
It's a rockin' holiday
A rockin' holiday
Let's make another snowman
We use a carrot for his nose
Oh, Kris Kringle's on his way
and his elves
are covered with snow
It's a rockin' holiday
A rockin' holiday
It's a rockin' holiday
A rockin' holiday
Oh, it's a rockin' holiday
Yeah, a rockin' holiday
Oh, it's a rockin' holiday
A rockin' holiday
It's a rockin' holiday
Folks, I love each and every one of you.
I feel your love
bouncing back to me like sonar.
It hits me hard, like a blast wave.
Keep those dedications coming.
Hark, the herald angels sing
Glory to the newborn King
Peace on Earth and mercy mild
God and sinners reconciled
Joyful, all ye nations rise
Join the triumph of the skies
With angelic hosts proclaim
Christ is born in Bethlehem
Hark, the herald angels sing
Glory to the newborn King
Christ by highest Heav'n adored
Christ, the everlasting Lord
Late in time behold Him come
Offspring of a Virgin's womb
Veiled in flesh the Godhead see
Hail the incarnate Deity
Pleased as man
with man to dwell
Jesus, our Emmanuel
Hark, the herald angels sing
Glory to the newborn King
Hail the Heav'n-born
Prince of Peace
Hail the Son of Righteousness
Light and life to all He brings
Risen with healing in His wings
Mild He lays His glory by
Born that man no more may die
Born to raise
the sons of Earth
Born to give them second birth
Hark, the herald angels sing
Glory to the newborn King
It's a very merry, merry,
merry Christmas
and it happens every year
There's lots of toys
for girls and boys
and plenty of holiday cheer
It's a won-won-wonderful holiday
and we're happy as can be
Hear the Christmas bells
ringing through the hills
Now, it's time
for the Christmas tree
Bum, bum, bum,
bum-bum-bum, bum
Yeah, it happens every year
Bum, bum, bum,
bum-bum-bum, bum
Let's spread that Christmas cheer
Bum, bum, bum,
bum-bum-bum, bum
Santa's on his way
Oh, you better be good
'cause he's checking his list
and he's loading up his sleigh
It's a very merry, merry,
merry Christmas
Take a walk in the frosty air
Every time you go outside
there's snowflakes in your hair
Have a happy, happy,
happy little holiday
and a won-wonderful New Year
Let's deck those halls
with mistletoe
'cause Christmastime is here
Let's deck those halls
with mistletoe
'cause Christmastime is here
So, here's a letter from Angry Ron.
Ron says, "I'm angry
because it's the same
Christmas songs every year.
They don't do anything
for me anymore.
How do Christmas songs
about some baby
5,000 miles away pertain to my life?
I respond to art
that speaks to my experience.
Please play some contemporary rap
made in the Wasteland."
I'm sorry, Ron.
You may be angry, but these songs
are the only ones
we have here in the station.
The rest all perished in fires
or were pillaged by bandits.
And so now, for the fifth time tonight,
"God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen."
Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo-doo,
doo-doo
I don't need no presents
'round my tree
or no mistletoe
to share my needs
Christmastime with you
more than enough for me
For me
When I look into your eyes
I realize
that my love for you
more than true
Christmastime with you
more than enough for me
For me
There'll be choirs singing
children playing
stories being read from a book
There'll be beautiful weather
families together
Christmas, that's all it took
I don't need no presents
'round my tree
or no mistletoe
to share my needs
Christmastime with you
more than enough for me
For me
There'll be beautiful weather
families together
Christmas, that's all it took
Oh, I don't need no presents
'round my tree
Seeing you all together
enough for me
Christmastime with you
more than enough for me
Doo-doo-doo-doo,
doo-doo
Christmastime with you
more than enough for me
Doo-doo-doo-doo,
doo-doo
Christmastime with you
more than enough for me
Back again with more
of your Christmas greetings
and dedications.
Here's one from Andy C. who says,
"I love these old tunes,
but it's hard for me to sing
these Christmas carols
knowing I have eaten
over 100 people."
Don't worry, Andy,
we'll let the records
do the singing for you.
Andy continues, "Singing
'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer'
was hard enough after killing a man,
but after I devoured his whole family,
I was unable to carry out that tune
without breaking down in tears.
It just takes some of the joy
out of the season
when you eat the people
you used to celebrate with.
Knowing the taste
of a human gallbladder,
I suppose I sing 'O Holy Night.'
How can I think of anything
but the bile?
It's easy to sing the words,
but the words
don't mean anything anymore,
I mean, what even is a sleigh?
I don't think I've heard
sleigh bells in 400 years.
I can slay my friends
and neighbors and eat them,
but a one-horse open sleigh,
it's meaningless.
I was kicked out of a family dinner
for acknowledging
that we ate my cousin.
Never discuss who you're eating
as you're eating them.
The people I was with
say it makes you feel sick.
I can't confirm that, but I can confirm
it makes people mad.
I wish I hadn't eaten so many people
so I'd have someone around
to make me feel better."
Well, Andy C.,
I can't make you feel better
because what you've described
is a work of an evil person.
But I'll let God do the judging.
Here's an old classic.
Ho ho ho, and here we go,
up in Santa's sleigh
Ho ho ho, and here we go,
merry all the way
Santa said to jump right in,
take a Christmas ride with him
Bags of toys for boys and girls,
spreading joy around the world
Ho ho ho, and here we go,
up in Santa's sleigh
Ho ho ho, and here we go,
merry all the way
High up where the reindeer fly,
swooping, swirling across the sky
Santa's got his list in hand
along with his special Christmas plan
Ho ho ho, and here we go,
up in Santa's sleigh
Ho ho ho, and here we go,
merry all the way
Santa said to jump right in,
take a Christmas ride with him
Bags of toys for boys and girls,
spreading joy around the world
Ho ho ho, and here we go
for a most exciting time
Ho ho ho, and here we go,
get ready for a ride
Silent night
Holy night
All is calm
All is bright
Round yon virgin
Mother and child
Holy infant
so tender and mild
Sleep in Heavenly
peace
Sleep in Heavenly peace
Silent night
Holy night
Shepherds quake
at the sight
Glories stream
from Heaven afar
Heavenly hosts
sing Alleluia
Christ the Savior
is born
Christ the Savior is born
Silent night
Holy night
Son of God
Love's pure light
Radiant beams
from Thy holy face
with the dawn
of redeeming grace
Jesus Lord
at Thy birth
Jesus Lord at Thy birth
Jesus Lord
at Thy birth
Jesus Lord at Thy birth
George Washington Thizz
from Sandy Gulch writes,
"War never changes.
Neither does Christmas.
Same songs every year.
You ever notice that?"
I happen to like it, George.
You know, living in a place
where you never really know
where you are
because you're surrounded
by shifting sand dunes,
I find Christmas songs
are like wayfinding stars
to guide my year by.
If I hear 'em,
I know Christmas can't be far away.
Angels we have heard on high
sweetly singing o'er the plains
And the mountains in reply
echo back their joyous strains
Gloria
in excelsis Deo
Gloria
in excelsis Deo
Come to Bethlehem and see
Him whose birth the angels sing
Come adore on bended knee
Christ the Lord, the newborn King
Gloria
in excelsis Deo
Gloria
in excelsis Deo
In excelsis Deo
Gloria
in excelsis Deo
Gloria
in excelsis Deo,
in excelsis Deo
In excelsis Deo
Santa Claus, don't be late
on Christmas Eve
We're hoping that old Rudolph
finds his way
Santa, I can hardly wait
for Christmas Eve
So you better bring lots
of presents in your sleigh
Please, Santa Claus
I've been waiting so long for you
Come and visit me on Christmas Eve
So I hope you'll drop on by
as you ride across the sky
and I'll pretend to be fast asleep
Santa Claus,
don't be late on Christmas Eve
We're hoping that old Rudolph
finds his way
Santa, I can hardly wait
for Christmas Eve
So you better bring lots
of presents in your sleigh
Please
Santa Claus,
don't be late on Christmas Eve
Hoping that old Rudolph
finds his his way
Santa, I can hardly
wait for Christmas Eve
So you better bring lots of
presents in your sleigh
Please
Hope you'll drop on by
as you ride across the sky
And I'll pretend to be fast asleep
This is DJ Mr. New Vegas
and I love your style.
I'm attracted to you. Understand?
Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh
Hey, jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh
Dashing through the snow
in a one-horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
laughing all the way
Bells on Bobtail ring,
making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
a sleighing song tonight
Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way.
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh
Hey, jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way.
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh
Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
on a one-horse open sleigh
Hey, jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh
Dashing through the snow
in a one-horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
laughing all the way
Bells on Bobtail ring,
making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
a sleighing song tonight
Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh
Hey, jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse
open sleigh
Good King Wenceslas looked out
on the feast of Stephen
When the snow lay round about,
deep and crisp and even
Brightly shone the moon that night
though the frost was cruel
When a poor man came in sight
gath'ring winter fuel
Bring me flesh and bring me wine,
bring me pine logs hither
Thou and I will see him dine
when we bear them hither
Page and monarch, forth they went,
forth they went together
Through the rude wind's wild lament
and the bitter weather
Good King Wenceslas looked out
on the feast of Stephen
When the snow lay round about,
deep and crisp and even
Brightly shone the moon that night
though the frost was cruel
When a poor man came in sight
gath'ring winter fuel
And here's a letter
from a long-time listener, P. from. D.E.
He says, "Every year I listen
to your show." Thank you, P.
"And I reflect on the people
I spent prior Christmases with,
killing or eating.
Like Jimmy Cain,
who went caroling with me
in order to distract our marks
while we robbed them.
He got a little handsy
with his half of the take,
so I had to put a bullet in his brain.
Or Melissa, who used to deck the halls
in a major way,
filling our collapsed shipping container
with all manner
of radioactive glowing bugs
in a Christmas spirited style.
She got bad tumors,
had to put her out of her misery.
And how could I forget Big Sarah,
who captained the merry sleigh
when we hitched our gear
to some angry Brahmins
and made it more than a hundred miles
across the Wasteland together?
She didn't say thank you enough,
so I had to put a bullet
in her brain also.
But I think about her often
because of just how long I spent
trying and eventually devouring
all of her copious leg meat.
She had huge, great legs.
Now, I don't mean that in a sexy way,
just in a hungry way.
I found a large cyst on one of her legs
and there was a full tooth growing in it.
Please play
'Angels We Have Heard on High' for me."
O, Christmas tree,
o, Christmas tree
How lovely are your branches
O, Christmas tree,
o, Christmas tree
How lovely are your branches
Your boughs are green in summer time
and through the snows of winter time
O, Christmas tree,
o, Christmas tree
How lovely are your branches
O, Christmas tree,
o, Christmas tree
What happiness you're bringing
O, Christmas tree,
o, Christmas tree
What happiness you're bringing
Your boughs are green in summer time
and through the snows of winter time
O, Christmas tree,
o, Christmas tree
What happiness you're bringing
Christmas tree,
o, Christmas tree
Your beauty green will teach me
Christmas tree,
o, Christmas tree
Your beauty green will teach me
that hope and love will ever be
the way that joy is peace for me
O, Christmas tree,
o, Christmas tree
What happiness you're bringing
I see the snowflakes fall
Young children have a ball
But I can't smile at all
You're not with me
The sleigh bells play their tune
for Santa's coming soon
But I can't hide the gloom
You're not with me
I want you for Christmas
My tree just won't burn bright
It won't seem like Christmas
until we make things right
- Ooh
- I see snowflakes fall
Young children have a ball
But I can't smile at all
You're not with me
I hear the choir sing
Watch present parents bring
but they don't mean a thing
You're not with me
I want you for Christmas
My tree just won't burn bright
It won't seem like Christmas
until we make
things right
It came upon the midnight clear
that glorious song of old
From angels bending near the earth
to touch their harps of gold
Peace on the earth, goodwill to men
from heaven's all gracious king
The world in solemn stillness lay
to hear the angels sing
Still through the cloven skies
they come
with peaceful wings unfurled
And still their heavenly music floats
o'er all the weary world
Above its sad and lonely plains
they bend on hovering wing
And ever o'er its Babel sounds
the blessd angels sing
And ye, beneath lifes crushing load
whose forms are bending low
Who toil along the climbing way
with painful steps and slow
Look now for glad and golden hours
Come swiftly on the way
Oh, rest beside the weary road
and hear the angels sing
For lo the days are hastening on
by prophets seen of old
When with the ever circling years
shall come the time foretold
When the new heaven and earth shadow
rejoice their peaceful king
The whole world send back the song
which now the angels sing
I'm DJ Mr. New Vegas,
and as long as we have each other,
we're never truly alone,
living in squalor.
Here's a letter
from Hard Ted in Heartland.
Ted writes, "Please play 'Let It Snow.'
I miss the snow.
It was great cold, I think,
but not the kind of cold you feel
when you accidentally lick uranium,
or the kind of cold you get when
you sleep in a moldy crawl space.
I wish I could see snow
that wasn't just radioactive metal
flaking off some burning husk.
I remember the snow
when it used to come out of the,
uh, what's it called, cloud?
I was trying to remember
what sledding was like,
but for some reason, all I can think of
when I think of sleds
is just skin sloughing off
charred corpses and broken bones.
Like last year, I thought I saw snow,
but it was actually
a whole ton of termites
all flying out of some barn.
Whatever was in that barn
must have been even worse
than a plague of termites.
I find myself thinking this way now."
We all do, Ted. Merry Christmas.
Suck down some chems
and see if you can't forget
all about your circumstances.
Let's share a special gift
this Christmas
A love that we'll share
from this day on
Then seal our gift of love with kisses
while being wrapped up
in each other's arms
Let's exchange kisses this Christmas
Your kiss will be the gift
to top them all
Hey, let's exchange kisses
this Christmas
Our love will keep us warm
'til Santa calls
This is the friendliest of seasons
for one and all, a festive time
Love's all around
and that's the reason
to celebrate
Just place your lips on mine
Let's exchange kisses this Christmas
Your kiss will be the gift
to top them all
Let's exchange kisses this Christmas
Our love will keep us warm
'til Santa calls
We just might wait
'neath the mistletoe
to be face to face
for the best thrill we know
Let's exchange kisses this Christmas
Your kiss will be the gift
to top them all
Let's exchange kisses this Christmas
Our love will keep us warm
'til Santa calls
This love we feel today
would never go away
if we share Christmas kisses
every day
Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our gay apparel
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Troll the ancient Yuletide carol
Fa la la la la, la la la la
See the blazing Yule before us
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Strike the harp and join the chorus
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Follow me in merry measure
Fa la la la la, la la la la
While I tell of Yuletide treasure
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Fast away the old year passes
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Hail the new year, lads and lasses
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Sing we joyous all together
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Heedless of the wind and weather
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our gay apparel
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Troll the ancient Yuletide carol
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Fa la la la la, la la la
La
And that's it for me, kids.
Stay alive out there.
I'm technically not.
It's Mr. New Vegas signing off.
A Merry Christmas to all
and to all a good night.
Well, this ain't no Whoville, but...
it'll do.
I got me enough vials to last me
12 days of Christmas.
See this? It ain't no log.
This is a human arm.
Specifically, a fat man's.
It burns nice, doesn't it?
Surprising, huh?
I keep a few of these arms
dry aging throughout the year
just because it's so nice
during the winter.
Stay armed, stay warm.
That's what I always say.
Well, I'd give you
the season's greetings,
but we don't have much
by the way of seasons
out here anymore.
And we damn sure
don't have any Santa Claus.
My jaw hurts from talkin',
so why don't y'all stare
at this fire for a little while?
Now, if I fall asleep, make sure
you tilt my head away from it.
Yes, indeed. This is Mr. New Vegas
coming to you live from my namesake,
bringing you all your holiday favorites
this Christmas season.
Now, I hope it's warm and cozy
where you are,
and not because
you're losing consciousness.
Unless, of course,
that's what you want to do.
We all cope with the horrors of life
in our own chemical way.
I'm taking your dedications all night
and reading your Christmas greetings
and heartwarming stories live on the air.
Here's one from Bob in the former Arizona.
He writes,
"My dog ran off on Christmas Eve,
and I tell you, it was a repeat
of the exact story of Christmas.
Strangers came out of nowhere
to help us look for him,
just like the Three Kings
from Orient Are.
I was working with them
as one of the kings,
and then God is the King of all kings.
So, we had five kings,
but there were seven people total.
Two women and five men,
so five kings.
Two queens plus me, plus God.
That's nine kings total,
including queens.
And none of us knew
where the heck this dog was.
So, I'm thinking, that's like
the original Jesus from the story.
The dog is the lost baby Jesus.
So, I'm starting
to get very stressed out
because not only did I lose the dog,
but the dog would tell me
when somebody was coming.
These people appear.
They don't find him.
Plus, they keep asking me
if I have chems.
And I do, but I'm not sharing,
and I'm mad,
and that's making me feel guilty.
Yes, I have rage issues,
but that explains why
I can't part with the chems.
They're medical.
Anyways, it turns out
the dog hadn't gone far.
He heard me
executing some people earlier,
got scared and hid in the panels.
He eventually came back out
when I started roasting
one of the people I killed.
Now, I wish I'd had figured that out
before I executed all the other kings,
but I did my best with the information
I had at the time.
Long story long,
I didn't know I needed a dog
to celebrate Christmas
before I tried doing it without one.
Isn't that pathetic?
I hate myself."
Thanks, Bob.
Now, here's a holiday tune
that'll soothe you
faster than a blood brain barrier
full of gaseous chems.
Hap, hap, hap, happy New Year
Hap, hap, hap,
happy New Year
Hap, hap, hap, happy New Year,
doo-dee
We wish you a merry Christmas,
we wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you
a merry Christmas
- And a happy New Year
- New Year
Good tidings we bring
to you and your kin
We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy New Year
We all want some figgy pudding,
we all want some figgy pudding
We all want some figgy pudding,
so bring some out here
Good tidings we bring
to you and your kin
We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy New Year
We won't go until we get some,
we won't go until we get some
We won't go until we get some,
so bring some out here
Good tidings we bring
to you and your kin
We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy New Year
Hap, hap, hap, happy New Year
Hap, hap, hap, happy New Year
Hap, hap, hap, happy New Year,
doo-dee
We wish you a merry Christmas,
we wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
- And a happy New Year
- New Year
Good tidings we bring
to you and your kin
We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy New Year
We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy New Year
We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy New Year
Hap, hap, hap, happy New Year
Hap, hap, hap, happy New Year
Hap, hap, hap, happy New Year,
doo-wee
Have yourself a holiday
A happy day
Merry Christmas
Oh, I'm like a kid at Christmas
How I love the scent of pine
and snowy Christmas postcards
How they decorate my mind
Yes, I'm like a kid at Christmas
'cause it still gives me a thrill
when I feel the spirit of
goodwill
Oh, I'm like a kid at Christmas
How I love the cold, the choirs
and gifts unwrapped
by loved ones
girl, by a blazing fire
Yes, I'm like a kid at Christmas
'cause it still gives me a thrill
when I feel the spirit of
goodwill
Good, good, goodwill
Have yourself a holiday
Good, good, goodwill
Have yourself a happy day
Yes, I love the Christmas spirit
of goodwill
Now, I know that you love Christmas
All white with falling snow
A tree with all the trimmings
A touch of mistletoe
And like a kid at Christmas
how I got a wish, it's true
How I love to spend my Christmas
with you
Good, goodwill
Have yourself a holiday
Good, goodwill
Have yourself a happy day
Have yourself a holiday
Have yourself a happy day
Have yourself a holiday
Have yourself a happy day
Have yourself a holiday
Have yourself a happy day
Hi, I'm DJ Mr. New Vegas,
and picturing you sit there listening,
lounging in your lingerie,
sets my imagination
to spinning 45 rpm.
Here's a tune.
- Merry, merry Christmas
- Merry, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Children playing in the snow
- Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas
- Santa's coming soon
Soon, Santa's coming, ho ho ho
- Merry, merry Christmas
- Merry, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Everywhere there's so much joy
- Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas
- Santa's coming soon
- Soon, Santa's coming, ho ho ho
- Ho ho ho
Merry, merry,
merry, merry, merry
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
- Merry, merry Christmas
- Merry, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Children playing in the snow
- Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas
- Santa's coming soon
Soon, Santa's coming, ho ho ho
- Merry, merry Christmas
- Merry, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Everywhere there's so much joy
- Merry, merry, merry, merry, Christmas
- Santa's coming soon
Soon, Santa's coming, ho ho ho
- Santa's coming soon
- Soon, Santa's coming, ho ho ho
You know,
I love listening to these old sides,
but not as much as I love
listening to your stories.
I wanna hear from you.
Here's a little holiday yarn
from Sluggins Rex,
who writes in from the Siltlands
with this reminiscence.
"People might complain about
Christmas in the Wastelands,
but it's better than in the Vaults.
Trust me.
I celebrated Christmas
in a Vault last year, and it sucked.
They were doing this whole
Christmas in Hawaii thing,
and it was tacky and pathetic.
They were like,
'Hey there, try this kalua pork,'
and then they gave me
a cocktail weenie.
That's pretty disappointing.
Even though I hadn't been
around people in years,
I could still tell this is lame.
I guess that's kind of a gift
at Christmas,
knowing that you're
a more interesting person
than 100% of the Vaulties.
That does make me feel
like I've got the ear of Santa.
So, Santa, if you're listening,
bring back the real kalua pork.
We've all seen these giant pig creatures
roaming the Wasteland.
I'm pretty sure I have,
or at least the dust clouds
that they kick up.
What say us all listeners
band together
having a hunting party?
Half of us can dig huge holes,
fill it with these kind of hot rocks
that they have now
that never cool off,
and see if we can't get that sucker
tasting like some kalua.
I'll test it, I promise.
You can watch and see if my face
sprouts tumors instantly,
like when they started
growing corn again."
Sounds good to me, Sluggins.
I'll be first in line
to join your hunting party.
Now, who recognizes
this classic holiday tune?
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh, hey
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh
Dashing through the snow
in a one-horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
laughing all the way
Bells on bobtails ring
making spirits bright
What fun it is to ride and sing
a sleighing song tonight
Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh, hey
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh
A day or two ago
I thought I took a ride
and soon, Miss Fanny Bright,
seated by my side
The horse was lean and lank,
misfortune seemed his lot
He'd got into a drifted bank
and we, we got upsot
Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh, hey
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open
sleigh
O little town of Bethlehem
how still we see thee lie
Above thy deep
and dreamless sleep
the silent stars go by
Yet in thy dark street shineth
the everlasting light
The hopes and fears
of all the years
are met in thee tonight
Yet in thy dark street shineth
the everlasting light
The hopes and fears
of all the years
are met in thee tonight
Are met in thee
tonight
Regardless, whether you're listening
to every one of these dedications,
I will always love you forever.
Nothing can change that.
Hey, everybody, gather round
It's a rockin' holiday
We're all gonna sit
by the Christmas tree
and tomorrow's Christmas Day
Mom's on the left,
Dad's on the right
and the kids
won't leave us alone
Let's move on under that mistletoe
It's a great night to be home
It's a rockin' holiday
A rockin' holiday
It's a rockin' holiday
A rockin' holiday
Just sit right down
underneath the tree
and we'll wait for Santa's sleigh
It's quite alright
if it takes all night
It's a rockin' holiday
It's a rockin' holiday
A rockin' holiday
It's a rockin' holiday
A rockin' holiday
Let's make another snowman
We use a carrot for his nose
Oh, Kris Kringle's on his way
and his elves
are covered with snow
It's a rockin' holiday
A rockin' holiday
It's a rockin' holiday
A rockin' holiday
Oh, it's a rockin' holiday
Yeah, a rockin' holiday
Oh, it's a rockin' holiday
A rockin' holiday
It's a rockin' holiday
Folks, I love each and every one of you.
I feel your love
bouncing back to me like sonar.
It hits me hard, like a blast wave.
Keep those dedications coming.
Hark, the herald angels sing
Glory to the newborn King
Peace on Earth and mercy mild
God and sinners reconciled
Joyful, all ye nations rise
Join the triumph of the skies
With angelic hosts proclaim
Christ is born in Bethlehem
Hark, the herald angels sing
Glory to the newborn King
Christ by highest Heav'n adored
Christ, the everlasting Lord
Late in time behold Him come
Offspring of a Virgin's womb
Veiled in flesh the Godhead see
Hail the incarnate Deity
Pleased as man
with man to dwell
Jesus, our Emmanuel
Hark, the herald angels sing
Glory to the newborn King
Hail the Heav'n-born
Prince of Peace
Hail the Son of Righteousness
Light and life to all He brings
Risen with healing in His wings
Mild He lays His glory by
Born that man no more may die
Born to raise
the sons of Earth
Born to give them second birth
Hark, the herald angels sing
Glory to the newborn King
It's a very merry, merry,
merry Christmas
and it happens every year
There's lots of toys
for girls and boys
and plenty of holiday cheer
It's a won-won-wonderful holiday
and we're happy as can be
Hear the Christmas bells
ringing through the hills
Now, it's time
for the Christmas tree
Bum, bum, bum,
bum-bum-bum, bum
Yeah, it happens every year
Bum, bum, bum,
bum-bum-bum, bum
Let's spread that Christmas cheer
Bum, bum, bum,
bum-bum-bum, bum
Santa's on his way
Oh, you better be good
'cause he's checking his list
and he's loading up his sleigh
It's a very merry, merry,
merry Christmas
Take a walk in the frosty air
Every time you go outside
there's snowflakes in your hair
Have a happy, happy,
happy little holiday
and a won-wonderful New Year
Let's deck those halls
with mistletoe
'cause Christmastime is here
Let's deck those halls
with mistletoe
'cause Christmastime is here
So, here's a letter from Angry Ron.
Ron says, "I'm angry
because it's the same
Christmas songs every year.
They don't do anything
for me anymore.
How do Christmas songs
about some baby
5,000 miles away pertain to my life?
I respond to art
that speaks to my experience.
Please play some contemporary rap
made in the Wasteland."
I'm sorry, Ron.
You may be angry, but these songs
are the only ones
we have here in the station.
The rest all perished in fires
or were pillaged by bandits.
And so now, for the fifth time tonight,
"God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen."
Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo-doo,
doo-doo
I don't need no presents
'round my tree
or no mistletoe
to share my needs
Christmastime with you
more than enough for me
For me
When I look into your eyes
I realize
that my love for you
more than true
Christmastime with you
more than enough for me
For me
There'll be choirs singing
children playing
stories being read from a book
There'll be beautiful weather
families together
Christmas, that's all it took
I don't need no presents
'round my tree
or no mistletoe
to share my needs
Christmastime with you
more than enough for me
For me
There'll be beautiful weather
families together
Christmas, that's all it took
Oh, I don't need no presents
'round my tree
Seeing you all together
enough for me
Christmastime with you
more than enough for me
Doo-doo-doo-doo,
doo-doo
Christmastime with you
more than enough for me
Doo-doo-doo-doo,
doo-doo
Christmastime with you
more than enough for me
Back again with more
of your Christmas greetings
and dedications.
Here's one from Andy C. who says,
"I love these old tunes,
but it's hard for me to sing
these Christmas carols
knowing I have eaten
over 100 people."
Don't worry, Andy,
we'll let the records
do the singing for you.
Andy continues, "Singing
'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer'
was hard enough after killing a man,
but after I devoured his whole family,
I was unable to carry out that tune
without breaking down in tears.
It just takes some of the joy
out of the season
when you eat the people
you used to celebrate with.
Knowing the taste
of a human gallbladder,
I suppose I sing 'O Holy Night.'
How can I think of anything
but the bile?
It's easy to sing the words,
but the words
don't mean anything anymore,
I mean, what even is a sleigh?
I don't think I've heard
sleigh bells in 400 years.
I can slay my friends
and neighbors and eat them,
but a one-horse open sleigh,
it's meaningless.
I was kicked out of a family dinner
for acknowledging
that we ate my cousin.
Never discuss who you're eating
as you're eating them.
The people I was with
say it makes you feel sick.
I can't confirm that, but I can confirm
it makes people mad.
I wish I hadn't eaten so many people
so I'd have someone around
to make me feel better."
Well, Andy C.,
I can't make you feel better
because what you've described
is a work of an evil person.
But I'll let God do the judging.
Here's an old classic.
Ho ho ho, and here we go,
up in Santa's sleigh
Ho ho ho, and here we go,
merry all the way
Santa said to jump right in,
take a Christmas ride with him
Bags of toys for boys and girls,
spreading joy around the world
Ho ho ho, and here we go,
up in Santa's sleigh
Ho ho ho, and here we go,
merry all the way
High up where the reindeer fly,
swooping, swirling across the sky
Santa's got his list in hand
along with his special Christmas plan
Ho ho ho, and here we go,
up in Santa's sleigh
Ho ho ho, and here we go,
merry all the way
Santa said to jump right in,
take a Christmas ride with him
Bags of toys for boys and girls,
spreading joy around the world
Ho ho ho, and here we go
for a most exciting time
Ho ho ho, and here we go,
get ready for a ride
Silent night
Holy night
All is calm
All is bright
Round yon virgin
Mother and child
Holy infant
so tender and mild
Sleep in Heavenly
peace
Sleep in Heavenly peace
Silent night
Holy night
Shepherds quake
at the sight
Glories stream
from Heaven afar
Heavenly hosts
sing Alleluia
Christ the Savior
is born
Christ the Savior is born
Silent night
Holy night
Son of God
Love's pure light
Radiant beams
from Thy holy face
with the dawn
of redeeming grace
Jesus Lord
at Thy birth
Jesus Lord at Thy birth
Jesus Lord
at Thy birth
Jesus Lord at Thy birth
George Washington Thizz
from Sandy Gulch writes,
"War never changes.
Neither does Christmas.
Same songs every year.
You ever notice that?"
I happen to like it, George.
You know, living in a place
where you never really know
where you are
because you're surrounded
by shifting sand dunes,
I find Christmas songs
are like wayfinding stars
to guide my year by.
If I hear 'em,
I know Christmas can't be far away.
Angels we have heard on high
sweetly singing o'er the plains
And the mountains in reply
echo back their joyous strains
Gloria
in excelsis Deo
Gloria
in excelsis Deo
Come to Bethlehem and see
Him whose birth the angels sing
Come adore on bended knee
Christ the Lord, the newborn King
Gloria
in excelsis Deo
Gloria
in excelsis Deo
In excelsis Deo
Gloria
in excelsis Deo
Gloria
in excelsis Deo,
in excelsis Deo
In excelsis Deo
Santa Claus, don't be late
on Christmas Eve
We're hoping that old Rudolph
finds his way
Santa, I can hardly wait
for Christmas Eve
So you better bring lots
of presents in your sleigh
Please, Santa Claus
I've been waiting so long for you
Come and visit me on Christmas Eve
So I hope you'll drop on by
as you ride across the sky
and I'll pretend to be fast asleep
Santa Claus,
don't be late on Christmas Eve
We're hoping that old Rudolph
finds his way
Santa, I can hardly wait
for Christmas Eve
So you better bring lots
of presents in your sleigh
Please
Santa Claus,
don't be late on Christmas Eve
Hoping that old Rudolph
finds his his way
Santa, I can hardly
wait for Christmas Eve
So you better bring lots of
presents in your sleigh
Please
Hope you'll drop on by
as you ride across the sky
And I'll pretend to be fast asleep
This is DJ Mr. New Vegas
and I love your style.
I'm attracted to you. Understand?
Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh
Hey, jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh
Dashing through the snow
in a one-horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
laughing all the way
Bells on Bobtail ring,
making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
a sleighing song tonight
Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way.
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh
Hey, jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way.
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh
Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
on a one-horse open sleigh
Hey, jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh
Dashing through the snow
in a one-horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
laughing all the way
Bells on Bobtail ring,
making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
a sleighing song tonight
Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh
Hey, jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse
open sleigh
Good King Wenceslas looked out
on the feast of Stephen
When the snow lay round about,
deep and crisp and even
Brightly shone the moon that night
though the frost was cruel
When a poor man came in sight
gath'ring winter fuel
Bring me flesh and bring me wine,
bring me pine logs hither
Thou and I will see him dine
when we bear them hither
Page and monarch, forth they went,
forth they went together
Through the rude wind's wild lament
and the bitter weather
Good King Wenceslas looked out
on the feast of Stephen
When the snow lay round about,
deep and crisp and even
Brightly shone the moon that night
though the frost was cruel
When a poor man came in sight
gath'ring winter fuel
And here's a letter
from a long-time listener, P. from. D.E.
He says, "Every year I listen
to your show." Thank you, P.
"And I reflect on the people
I spent prior Christmases with,
killing or eating.
Like Jimmy Cain,
who went caroling with me
in order to distract our marks
while we robbed them.
He got a little handsy
with his half of the take,
so I had to put a bullet in his brain.
Or Melissa, who used to deck the halls
in a major way,
filling our collapsed shipping container
with all manner
of radioactive glowing bugs
in a Christmas spirited style.
She got bad tumors,
had to put her out of her misery.
And how could I forget Big Sarah,
who captained the merry sleigh
when we hitched our gear
to some angry Brahmins
and made it more than a hundred miles
across the Wasteland together?
She didn't say thank you enough,
so I had to put a bullet
in her brain also.
But I think about her often
because of just how long I spent
trying and eventually devouring
all of her copious leg meat.
She had huge, great legs.
Now, I don't mean that in a sexy way,
just in a hungry way.
I found a large cyst on one of her legs
and there was a full tooth growing in it.
Please play
'Angels We Have Heard on High' for me."
O, Christmas tree,
o, Christmas tree
How lovely are your branches
O, Christmas tree,
o, Christmas tree
How lovely are your branches
Your boughs are green in summer time
and through the snows of winter time
O, Christmas tree,
o, Christmas tree
How lovely are your branches
O, Christmas tree,
o, Christmas tree
What happiness you're bringing
O, Christmas tree,
o, Christmas tree
What happiness you're bringing
Your boughs are green in summer time
and through the snows of winter time
O, Christmas tree,
o, Christmas tree
What happiness you're bringing
Christmas tree,
o, Christmas tree
Your beauty green will teach me
Christmas tree,
o, Christmas tree
Your beauty green will teach me
that hope and love will ever be
the way that joy is peace for me
O, Christmas tree,
o, Christmas tree
What happiness you're bringing
I see the snowflakes fall
Young children have a ball
But I can't smile at all
You're not with me
The sleigh bells play their tune
for Santa's coming soon
But I can't hide the gloom
You're not with me
I want you for Christmas
My tree just won't burn bright
It won't seem like Christmas
until we make things right
- Ooh
- I see snowflakes fall
Young children have a ball
But I can't smile at all
You're not with me
I hear the choir sing
Watch present parents bring
but they don't mean a thing
You're not with me
I want you for Christmas
My tree just won't burn bright
It won't seem like Christmas
until we make
things right
It came upon the midnight clear
that glorious song of old
From angels bending near the earth
to touch their harps of gold
Peace on the earth, goodwill to men
from heaven's all gracious king
The world in solemn stillness lay
to hear the angels sing
Still through the cloven skies
they come
with peaceful wings unfurled
And still their heavenly music floats
o'er all the weary world
Above its sad and lonely plains
they bend on hovering wing
And ever o'er its Babel sounds
the blessd angels sing
And ye, beneath lifes crushing load
whose forms are bending low
Who toil along the climbing way
with painful steps and slow
Look now for glad and golden hours
Come swiftly on the way
Oh, rest beside the weary road
and hear the angels sing
For lo the days are hastening on
by prophets seen of old
When with the ever circling years
shall come the time foretold
When the new heaven and earth shadow
rejoice their peaceful king
The whole world send back the song
which now the angels sing
I'm DJ Mr. New Vegas,
and as long as we have each other,
we're never truly alone,
living in squalor.
Here's a letter
from Hard Ted in Heartland.
Ted writes, "Please play 'Let It Snow.'
I miss the snow.
It was great cold, I think,
but not the kind of cold you feel
when you accidentally lick uranium,
or the kind of cold you get when
you sleep in a moldy crawl space.
I wish I could see snow
that wasn't just radioactive metal
flaking off some burning husk.
I remember the snow
when it used to come out of the,
uh, what's it called, cloud?
I was trying to remember
what sledding was like,
but for some reason, all I can think of
when I think of sleds
is just skin sloughing off
charred corpses and broken bones.
Like last year, I thought I saw snow,
but it was actually
a whole ton of termites
all flying out of some barn.
Whatever was in that barn
must have been even worse
than a plague of termites.
I find myself thinking this way now."
We all do, Ted. Merry Christmas.
Suck down some chems
and see if you can't forget
all about your circumstances.
Let's share a special gift
this Christmas
A love that we'll share
from this day on
Then seal our gift of love with kisses
while being wrapped up
in each other's arms
Let's exchange kisses this Christmas
Your kiss will be the gift
to top them all
Hey, let's exchange kisses
this Christmas
Our love will keep us warm
'til Santa calls
This is the friendliest of seasons
for one and all, a festive time
Love's all around
and that's the reason
to celebrate
Just place your lips on mine
Let's exchange kisses this Christmas
Your kiss will be the gift
to top them all
Let's exchange kisses this Christmas
Our love will keep us warm
'til Santa calls
We just might wait
'neath the mistletoe
to be face to face
for the best thrill we know
Let's exchange kisses this Christmas
Your kiss will be the gift
to top them all
Let's exchange kisses this Christmas
Our love will keep us warm
'til Santa calls
This love we feel today
would never go away
if we share Christmas kisses
every day
Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our gay apparel
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Troll the ancient Yuletide carol
Fa la la la la, la la la la
See the blazing Yule before us
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Strike the harp and join the chorus
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Follow me in merry measure
Fa la la la la, la la la la
While I tell of Yuletide treasure
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Fast away the old year passes
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Hail the new year, lads and lasses
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Sing we joyous all together
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Heedless of the wind and weather
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our gay apparel
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Troll the ancient Yuletide carol
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Fa la la la la, la la la
La
And that's it for me, kids.
Stay alive out there.
I'm technically not.
It's Mr. New Vegas signing off.
A Merry Christmas to all
and to all a good night.