Family Switch (2023) Movie Script

[mysterious music playing]
- [woman] You ready. Here we go.
- [man] Born ready. Come on.
[woman] They're gonna be surprised.
- [man] Let's do it.
- [woman] Straighten your cane.
[both] A five, six, seven, eight.
["Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"
by The Jackson 5 playing]
Santa Claus is coming to town
Santa Claus is coming to town
You better watch out,
You better not cry
You better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
Santa Claus is coming to town
[both panting]
Hey, kids. Kids, it's time
for the annual Christmas video.
Uh, not right now, Mom.
What are you talking about?
You used to love these.
The key word being "used to."
I think we're too old for that.
It's kind of embarrassing.
How about you, buddy?
Come on. Wyatt, can you hear me?
Grab your guitar. Let's do this.
You just made me die in the Dwarf Mines.
How about joining us
in the physical world?
Five minutes.
I tried the physical realm
I will take the digital realm.
- Miles?
- Miles.
- You with us, buddy?
- Miles.
[Miles giggling]
- Pickles.
- Where is Pickles?
- Oh God.
- Pickles.
[man] The tree is not your territory.
Oh, honey, watch out. Your cane.
You're hooked. You're hooked.
- [mysterious music playing]
- [man grunting]
I'm okay. We're okay.
[electricity crackling]
[mysterious music playing]
[woman] Hey, Bill, when did this family
give up on Christmas?
New rule in this house. No more tinsel.
I mean, CC used to just love
making those holiday videos.
I mean, this stuff just gets everywhere.
And Wyatt was a natural performer.
He had moves like Jagger.
How does so much pee
come out of that tiny, little dog?
I worry that we're
all kind of disconnected.
Sorry, did you ask me something?
- Hmm. Sorry?
- What? Hmm.
- It's fine.
- I can't hear... What?
- No. No.
- Oh.
- Okay.
- [both] Good night.
[man on radio] Good morning, Los Angeles.
Only three days till Christmas,
and another hot holiday season
here in the Southland.
Don't forget us, Santa Claus.
Seventy-six degrees,
and the mercury is rising.
Speaking of Mercury,
make sure to look at the sky tonight
for a once-in-a-lifetime
planetary alignment.
And of course, keep listening to 99.3 KMCG
to catch the Christmas spirit.
[woman] Okay. Really good ideas, team.
But don't do anything without me.
I'll get after it when I get in.
Oh my goodness.
Do you think it's good for you
to live like this?
Mom, I'm trying to get ready for my game.
I don't need a clean-room lecture.
It all ties together.
A disorganized room means a...
A disorganized mind. Yes, I know.
It affects everything,
including your soccer.
More importantly, your grades.
If I hope to play for the national team,
I need to focus on practice,
not cleaning my room.
Heads up.
You're not supposed to use your hands.
In the kitchen, 12 minutes.
Hey, Bill?
["Moves like Jagger" by Maroon 5
playing on radio]
You shoot for the stars
If it feels right
And in for my heart
- Bill. You okay?
- Yes. Yes.
I'm hanging out. You know how much
the baby loves the Camaro.
- Oh, the baby.
- Where's Mommy?
You driving it to work now that it's done?
- Show it off?
- You kidding me?
You put this much time into a car,
you don't drive it.
I mean, you barely even touch it.
You just bask in its power and beauty.
When you're done basking,
can you make sure Wyatt is up and dressed
and in the kitchen ready for the meeting?
[soft melody playing]
Spock, your work was impeccable as always.
But I figured out why that lens
you fabricated isn't refracting properly.
You forgot to square the C.
Your work is exquisite.
No, my 1999 PSA-graded 10
holo Charizard is exquisite.
I am envious of that card indeed.
Wyatt, family meeting downstairs.
Let's go!
Who's this? Are these your smart friends?
The algebros?
[all laughing]
Guys, I gotta go. Spock, tell Elon
he owes me another one.
So I was just thinking,
maybe after school today, we can hang out.
I can teach you how to drive.
Gasoline engines are an abuse of science.
And you know this.
I'm too scared to drive.
I'm also in the middle
of a lot of prep for my Yale interview.
I really can't slack off.
Totally get it. Totally get it.
Can you, uh,
can you help me with this problem?
- I'm kidding. You can't help me.
- No, I can't.
Okay, I'm calling this meeting to order.
We have a major few days ahead of us.
- CC, do I have your attention?
- Yeah, I'm looking for my homework.
[woman] Looking for it
like a completed assignment,
or like school starts in 20 minutes,
and you need to get started?
That'll be option B, Mom.
When do you find out
if you got into college early?
I would really love to help you pack.
I detect sarcasm, which is universally
regarded as the lowest form of humor.
Let's, uh, move this along. You know
if we talk too much, he just clenches up.
Right. Tomorrow is a big, big day
for the Walkers.
We have Wyatt's Yale interview,
CC's championship soccer game.
I have my huge presentation at work...
Don't forget about the Planetarium
today after school.
I was getting to that.
We're going to Wyatt's thing.
I have band practice.
Dad or Alive is playing
at the school holiday party.
This could be my second chance.
I really don't wanna go
to Wyatt's boring thing.
It's a quintuple planetary alignment.
It's a galactic confluence
of the highest order of magnitude.
It's my interstellar white whale.
Okay, seriously, who's his real father?
[woman] Look, you guys might not care
about Christmas, but I do.
So we are all going
to the Planetarium this afternoon.
I have a cute holiday sweater.
I want a picture.
We are gonna make a happy memory
as a family.
Can this meeting be adjourned?
Meeting adjourned.
[punk music playing]
- Ava!
- CC!
[all cheering]
[all] Go, CC! Go, CC! Go, CC!
[boy] Yo, hold on.
- Yo, put your hands on the moneymaker.
- Hey, I got it!
- I'm a Spartan! Ah!
- Where the hell is he?
- I promise you...
- I am Hunter Drew!
I'm the Spartan!
[adventurous music playing]
[all cheering] Go, CC! Go, CC! Go, CC!
[music continues]
[indistinct chattering]
And I would do anything for love
I'd run right into hell and back
I would do anything for love
- Whoa. Walker.
- [record scratches]
You're standing in the hallway
and staring at Ariana?
Yo, Ariana!
Dude, this kid's starting to cream!
I'm sorry. I promise...
[Wyatt screaming]
[indistinct shouting, cheering]
You just got obliterated, son!
- [gasping]
- [melancholy music playing]
[muffled] You're a loser, Walker.
[Bill] One, two, three.
[discordant instrumental music playing]
Okay. Okay.
Uh, you... Uh, cut, cut for a second.
Um, there's tension.
Do you feel the tension in this room?
We gotta be loose.
Toss your music. Toss your sheet music.
Get rid of it.
Emma, why are you raising your hand?
Embrace the anarchy. Just call it out.
What do you got?
How do we play the song
without sheet music?
How did Luke Skywalker blow up
the Death Star without his computer?
I don't know what that means.
I was born in 2008.
Okay. Um
- He used the Force.
- [Bill] Yes!
What's the Force?
The Force is this enigmatic energy
that's inside all of us, and it's good.
Guys, you're in a band.
You're not individual players.
You guys are a thing. You're one thing.
So get out of your heads
and get into everyone's heart.
You, walk a mile in her shoes.
Walk a mile in his shoes.
Everybody, just try to feel
what it means to be a collective.
Now, come on. Let's give Jack White
the honor he deserves.
- [Bill humming]
- [instrumental music playing]
Drums, please.
Melody, strings.
[music continues]
Woodwinds. Bring it up. Let's go.
Who's feeling it?
Oh, boy.
Cymbals, get ready. Cymbals.
[music continues]
Did you feel that?
What... That...
Something's going on.
I gotta take just a second.
McCracken, you're in charge.
Uh, run through "Jingle Bells."
I'll be right back.
[instrumental music playing]
Guys, what's up with the emergency
Dad or Alive meeting?
Do not tell me, Lake, that you sprained
your whammy wrist again.
No, we heard from a little TV show
called So You Think You Can Rock?
- What?
- We got the audition! Yeah!
Guys, do not mess with me.
I'm super fragile right now.
There's a TV crew coming here
to the school dance on Friday
for a live broadcast.
Dad or Alive is about to be famous!
What? This is insane!
- It's incredible. Come on!
- Yes!
[all cheering]
["Shoop" by Salt N Pepa playing]
You're packed and you're stacked
'Specially in the back
Brother, wanna thank your mother
For a butt like that
Or a shotgun, bang
What's up with that thang
I wanna know, how does it hang?
"Straight up, wait up, hold up, Mr. Lover
Like Prince said, you're a sexy mother... "
You'll have to work harder to stump me
on iconic ladies of the '90s, Gus, Gus.
You're so good.
- All your faves.
- Thanks.
Would they be holiday cookies
without M&M's?
Please. Give me some credit.
- Ah. There she is. Good morning, Kara.
- Good morning.
Triple-shot juggernaut.
Remixed just the way you like it.
- Oat milk?
- Oh, yeah.
- [giggling] Thank you.
- We learned.
Do you believe this, boss?
My son's snake bit me.
That's what I get
for trusting the pet store.
They told me it was harmless.
Turns out to be a water moccasin.
[sighing] I'm so afraid
it's gonna ruin the pitch.
No, not at all.
I mean, you can barely even see it.
No one will notice.
- Oh, thanks.
- Merry Christmas.
Is that who I think it is?
- [mysterious music playing]
- [growling]
[both grunting]
- Are you ready for the pitch?
- I am now, Glen.
- These are for you. Your favorites.
- Thank you so much.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
So The Molson Group called
to confirm tomorrow's pitch,
and Mr. Hanes wants to set a meeting
with you and the partners,
his words, "after we close this deal."
You're about to become
the first female partner
in the history of this firm.
- If I close Molson.
- Oh, you will.
Well, not if Steve snakes it out
from under me.
- Hey, Steve.
- Jess.
Wow, I love your haircut.
It, it kinda makes your nose look smaller.
Did you review the pitch document
I sent you?
Oh, yes, yes, I did. And I gotta say,
I love reviewing your work.
It just makes me feel more intelligent.
Any notes?
Let's knock 'em dead
in there tomorrow. All right?
- Yes.
- You two thoroughbreds?
And, by the way, you close the deal,
somebody's making partner.
[Steve sighing]
Good luck.
[mysterious music playing]
Oh, you wish.
Just know, your team is here to help.
Oh, you guys are the best.
I think I've got it under control.
I know, I know.
You like to do everything yourself.
You're so sweet, but ultimately,
it is my responsibility.
- Aye, aye, captain.
- Yeah.
[rock music playing]
There we go, CC. Take it down the field.
Oh my God.
Literally the best soccer player
I have ever seen.
No offense.
Hey, Walker.
The War of 1812 called.
It wants its cannon back.
- Thanks, Coach.
- That is a foot!
[CC chuckling]
Do I have a surprise for you.
A scout for the national team
is comin' to the game tomorrow.
Are you serious?
Your mom won't be happy,
'cause you'd have to leave home,
but this is an opportunity of a lifetime.
You play a flawless game and we win,
you got nothin' to worry about.
So do that.
Don't do what I did when I had my shot
and thought about
everything that could go wrong.
Could mean the difference
between, uh, international athletic glory
and coaching high school soccer
and teaching science.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
So just be yourself tomorrow.
- All right?
- Okay.
- And everything will be fine.
- Everything will be fine.
All right. I'm proud of you. You got this.
National team? C, this is freakin' huge.
Ava, it's time to go.
Mommy's late for her
microdermabrasion appointment.
Okay, Mom. What do you think
your mom will say about this?
She'll say, um
[in robotic voice] "I am Jess Walker.
Definitely a human and not a robot."
"It is mathematically more favorable
to give up on your dreams
in favor of a boring life
identical to mine."
CC-Bear. Hi, honey.
It's time to hit the road.
The planets wait for no one.
[magical music playing]
Hello. I am Angelica,
and I have come to town.
I have just what you need for Christmas.
[Jess] CC, please.
[Angelica] Get a reading
during the planetary alignment.
It will be magic.
Ah. This family looks like it could use
a little Christmas magic.
She says this to every family.
We should go.
- Thank you so much.
- [Angelica] Stressed out mama.
- I bet you work too hard.
- How does she know that, Mom?
Because if she said Dad worked too hard,
it would be sexist.
It's not magic.
It's performative liberalism.
We are on borrowed time with this baby.
We need to go.
- We're just here for the alignment thing.
- [Angelica] Okay.
Just remember to open your hearts
and view things
through the lens of one another.
- Yeah.
- That'll give you the very thing you need.
- Okay, thanks.
- Bye.
Come on.
[mysterious music playing]
Oh, we're gonna grab a snack.
See you in the telescope room.
- [Wyatt grunts]
- [Bill] Wyatt, why are you trippin'?
- Wow.
- Come on, let me buy you ice cream.
Buy me some ice cream?
Well, you know I struggle with dairy.
- That's because you hold it in, Mom.
- Well
You just gotta let it rip.
Everybody farts.
- I don't.
- Why would you torture yourself?
Just eat some ice cream
and live in your body.
Hey, why are you being so nice to me?
Can't a daughter buy her mother
some ice cream without raising suspicion?
[chuckling] Not really, no.
[CC sighing]
There's a scout from the national team
coming to the game tomorrow,
and Coach thinks I have
a pretty good shot of making it.
Wow. Congratulations.
But if I made it,
I would have to leave home next year.
What about college?
CC, I know how much soccer means to you.
- Do you?
- Trust me, I know.
I wasn't much older than you.
I was Junior Olympics.
I know, Mom. And I'm really sorry
you had to give up your career
'cause you hurt your shoulder,
but this is completely different.
It's not.
I had to start completely from scratch.
I'm just trying to protect you from that.
- If you just applied yourself...
- I hate when you say apply myself.
Mom, we are different people.
You literally just want me to be you.
It's suffocating.
[Bill] Big Yale interview tomorrow.
You nervous?
Very, very nervous.
I'm afraid it might trigger
my glossophobia.
Oh, buddy, I didn't know
you were scared of shiny things.
It's the fear of public speaking, Dad.
Right. Right.
Well... Um, hey, you know what?
Just pretend like
it's our family holiday Christmas video.
When you're with the family, you don't get
so afraid. You used to crush those.
There's a fearless performer in there.
I know it. Right?
But it does beg the question
You sure you're ready for college?
Right? I mean, you're just a freshman.
You still got a lot of living to do.
All I know is I would do anything
to be in your shoes right now.
Maybe it's why you chose a career
that brings you back
to the source of your fond memories.
[Pickle moaning]
[imitating bomb]
[Jess] Excuse me.
[sighing] Well, this was fun.
Mom thinks I have an easy life,
but she has no idea
what it's like to be me.
Yeah, I can relate.
Dad expects me to have the same jocular,
high school experience that he did,
but the problem is I'm not him.
What did we do so wrong as parents
that our two teenagers wanna leave home?
Bill, this could be
our last Christmas together.
The alignment's about to start. Come on.
[woman] Next group, please.
[mysterious music playing]
[Wyatt] Whoa.
Take Pickles.
[woman] Watch your step.
- Exit to the left.
- [Bill] Okay.
This sucks.
I really didn't wanna come to this today.
This is actually not about you.
- This is about the family.
- [Wyatt] My white whale. It's incredible.
Wyatt, I really would appreciate...
don't care, but it means a lot
to your brother, and we're a family.
It's never what we wanna do...
Not a care in the world.
You get up, have a little Gatorade...
I wish you could be me.
I'd love for you to be me for one day.
You wouldn't make it through lunch.
You don't know how much effort I put in.
I gotta think about my job.
I would love for you
to know what it's like to be me.
- Believe it or not, I was young once.
- Like 10,000 years ago?
Honestly, I wanna be you.
I'd kill to eat a dozen doughnuts
and have it burn right off.
What I wanna do is take a picture.
I wanna take a picture.
- Yeah, okay.
- Great, picture.
[mysterious music playing]
- What?
- Would you take a picture of my family?
Oh, it would be my pleasure.
- CC, deliver this with a smile
- Better not post this.
- to the nice lady.
- I'd rather drink my own vomit.
Thank you. So you just follow what I ask.
Go up like that. Don't be naughty. Up. Up.
You go to the right.
You go to the left. Good. Good.
Okay, Papa, suck it in.
Your tummy is, you know, it's...
- Put the doggy in front of it.
- Okay.
All right,
everybody say, "Merry Christmas."
[all] Merry Christmas.
[tense music playing]
[dramatic music playing]
[all screaming]
[Wyatt] Mom!
[Jess] Miles!
Watch out!
[soft mysterious music playing]
That was crazy.
- [Bill] Walkers, everybody okay?
- Did we just break the telescope?
[CC] Mom, are you kidding me?
- [Jess] You okay, CC?
- [CC] This is so embarrassing.
- Everybody, is everyone okay?
- Mom, this is so embarrassing.
[Bill] Let's get out of here.
[electricity surging]
[trees rustling]
[machine whirring]
[Jess snoring]
[Pickles barking]
Pickles, be qu...
- How'd you get past my security system?
- What?
- What are you doing in my bed?
- You're in my bed.
- Why am I in your bed, Dad?
- Why am I in your bed, Mom?
- Why are you calling me Mom?
- Why'd you call me Dad?
- Because you're Mom.
- You're Dad.
- Stop calling me Dad. I'm not Dad.
- Stop calling me Mom. I'm not Mom.
No, I'm not Mom!
What is all that yelling?
Bill? Bill, will you please tell...
- [mysterious music playing]
- [gasping]
CC, I told you to clean up the balls.
Either the multiverse is real,
and we have passed through
a sub-branching membrane
of an Einstein-Rosen bridge
into a parallel reality
- You don't sound like Dad, Dad.
- or we've fallen asleep.
[laughing] And this is just a dream,
and we have to wake up.
Slap me.
- Sure.
- Father Christmas!
- Whoa.
- Very sorry, Dad.
- What is happening?
- That's me.
- What?
- Mi familia.
What a night. I know I'm getting old
when I drink one glass of vino
and I wake up in Wy-Guy's beddy-bye.
Something's not right.
[mysterious music continues]
[music intensifies]
[all screaming]
- [Wyatt] CC, any luck?
- No.
This is a completely unique
and original situation
that has literally never happened before.
Right? I mean,
no kid has ever just woken up big.
- Yeah, it's so freaky.
- You're telling me. I'm 17 again.
I'm 13 going on 30.
We can agree
that we can't go out like this.
So I say we just go upstairs,
listen to Nirvana, and chill. All right?
Oh no,
I have my Molson pitch this morning.
If I'm not there,
I can kiss my partnership goodbye.
Oh, my Yale interview.
Oh, and I have Dad or Alive practice.
I can't miss that.
You are not playing my game.
And I am not playing like this.
Well Oh my God.
[all exclaiming]
Hey, remember when the planets lined up?
There was a crazy flash.
That's gotta be it. Right?
And then when we were looking at it...
You said, "You have no idea
how hard my life is."
"I'd love to be you."
And then you said
"You'll never know
what it's like to be me."
[CC] We've gotta get to the telescope
so we can switch back.
Uh, what's wrong with Pickles?
[magical music playing]
[Pickles growling]
What's going on with Miles?
[Miles panting]
Miles is Pickles.
Pickles is Miles.
[Bill] Pickles!
[Jess] Oh, Pickles.
[Bill gasping]
Go. Go.
["Carmina Burana:
Fortuna Imperatrix Mundi" playing]
I think I just peed.
One of the many joys of childbirth.
Thank yourself for that.
Wow, I feel like Spider-Man!
- Where's Wyatt?
- Cramps! Cramps!
[moaning, groaning]
I think I tore a quadi.
I tore both quadis.
[music continues]
Pickles! Come back!
Pickles, no!
[CC] Oh my God.
Thank you, Rolf. Thank you so much.
Oh, you are such a considerate neighbor.
Thank you for saving my baby...
I mean, my dog.
Give me this. Give me my child. Give...
- Let go.
- Okay.
Oh my goodness. Thank you.
Perhaps a leash and a bath?
[CC] Oh, my third-born child.
- What would I do...
- He's a special dog.
- Just...
- Are you in there?
If it would ever please you,
I would love to train your dog.
The dog needs the alpha energy, which, um
Bill does not possess.
- What?
- Discipline.
[dog grunting]
- Okay. Thank you, Rolf. Noted.
- Right.
- Thank you.
- Good day.
Have a wonderful day, Walkers.
And a leash and a bath.
Oh, I literally have no pores.
[Jess] Ow, Mom.
It hurts to be you.
Whoa. Mom, check out your biscuit.
Who knew you were such a big booty Judy?
[mysterious music playing]
CC Walker, you have a tattoo!
[Jess] At least
it's a cute little owl, right?
But this, we gotta cover that up.
All over the face. Don't miss a spot.
Just like that.
- Is that...
- Yeah, Wyatt, It's fine.
- You're perfect.
- Why am I so itchy?
I'm like... All over my bod... What is...
[Wyatt grunting]
Oh, Dad, your nipples are so hairy!
Oh, stop. What are you...
No high school girl's
ever gonna date this.
[sighing] Barf.
- Oh, absolutely not, CC.
- No. No.
You cannot wear that to school.
I will die.
- You think you're wearing that?
- You look like a doll.
- Are those your father's gym shorts? No.
- Is this Nancy Pelosi?
- You have paint on your jacket.
- You're an artist.
- You should be able to dress like one.
- No.
I can't hope to be made partner
looking like a teenybopper.
You gotta bow down to the patriarchy,
don't you?
- Just dress for the male gaze.
- Oh, you and your ideals.
Let me tell you something.
Ideals don't pay the bills.
- Did you pluck my eyebrows?
- No.
Look, I think we can both agree
we don't wanna ruin
each other's lives today.
Good luck with that, Mom.
When you get home,
you can change into whatever this is,
but please, not for my pitch.
You cannot wear this.
- All right, deal.
- Okay? Deal.
But can you un-Martha Stewart
the zing zang because...
Don't give me that.
[CC] All right, Walkers,
let's get to the telescope
and wish this back to normal.
- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna drive.
No, you will not.
You look like you're six.
What are we gonna do?
[all sighing]
[Pickles growling]
Uh, what?
["Christmas Wrapping"
by The Waitresses playing]
'Cause I bundled up too tight
Last minute have-to-dos
A few cards, a few calls
Because it's RSVP
No, thanks, no party lights
It's Christmas Eve, gonna relax
Turn down all of my invites
Merry Christmas, merry Christmas
Whoa. Whoa. I'm sorry,
but the exhibit's closed.
Some clumsy family came in
and knocked over the telescope.
And you know they was white.
Black people
don't create problems like this.
You can fix all this, right?
Can we fix it? Doesn't it say
maintenance on my shirt?
Okay. How long will it take?
Well, about four or five hours of work.
- Okay.
- Yes. Okay.
I'd say a week. Week and a half.
[Bill mumbling]
- Does that...
- Guys, I got it. All right? Don't worry.
Sir, if you could have this
up and running for me by tonight,
I'll make it worth your while.
How much cheddar we talking about,
lil' player?
- One second. You guys got any cheddar?
- I don't have any cheese.
- No.
- Cheese?
No, it's slang, honey.
Do you take Zelle?
- Zelle?
- Do I take...
- Hell yeah, I take Zelle.
- Yeah? Oh, great.
We'll have it up and running tonight.
We will not rest until it's done.
Let's get some lunch.
- Amazing.
- Okay.
[CC] Thanks for your help, Rolf.
This family just has a really
challenging day ahead.
Nothing to worry about.
Your puppy and your baby
are in very capable hands.
Rolf, have you ever been
around a baby before?
Yes, of course I have.
I was a baby myself once.
Okay, off you go, boys.
[magical music playing]
[Rolf gasping]
As you can see, I have already placed
the baby down for a nap.
Auf Wiedersehen. Tschssi.
[mysterious music playing]
[CC sighing]
God, this skirt is so tight and itchy.
I don't know how you wear it.
It's like I'm shrink-wrapped
in fiberglass.
- I'm allergic.
- Stop touching it. Look at me. Focus.
We've got this.
You look like me.
You sound like me. You act...
Oh, CC, what did you eat?
Sorry. I pounded a Gatorade
on the way over here.
Just, just put the shoes on.
Follow my lead.
- You good?
- Yeah.
Okay, this is Gus.
Please say hello to him.
Hello, Gus.
I'm just a bachelor
Looking for a partner
Someone who knows how to ride
Without even falling...
["Pony" by Ginuwine playing]
- Okay.
- No. No, Mom.
Ride my pony
- We don't do that. Thank you.
- It's "Pony" by Ginuwine.
Thank you.
Where's your car?
[mysterious music playing]
Okay, we can do this. Just keep...
[Jess yells]
Honey. Come here.
- Just shake it off.
- I got it.
- You're fine. Just shake it off.
- I'm fine.
- Oh my God, CC! What are you doing here?
- Hi.
Is this a new game? Like...
This is my assistant, Kara.
Give her the bag.
Sorry about that, Karrie.
- Kara.
- Kara.
Sorry. I'm just out of it. I
I hit the hard stuff
a little too hard last night.
Yeah, girl, congratulations.
Girl, finally.
- It's awful, isn't it?
- Yes.
No. I just...
- I gotta squeeze it.
- What...
Just get in there and
- Oh no!
- No.
That is how things scar.
[Glen] Is that who I think it is?
- [groaning, moaning]
- [all clamoring]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. You can't do that.
You can't do that or you'll get kicked.
- I...
- Oh, Jess.
Jess. Big day, Jess. Everybody's waiting.
Don't let us down.
Yes, I'll be... She'll be right there.
I like it.
- Who's this creature?
- Oh, I'm her daughter, CC.
Oh, I can see the resemblance.
You got a big nose too.
- Oh, I never...
- Did you see his nose?
[CC] We just need one second to prepare.
Can't believe I thought we could do it.
- What happened to "Miss I Got This"?
- She fell down the steps, Mom.
Oh, just give me a second.
I'm so nervous. I need chocolate.
- Chocolate. I need chocolate.
- Note cards.
Okay, note cards. Okay.
Oh, yeah.
[muttering] So good.
Cold. It's cold. It's cold.
Okay, CC, look at me.
I wrote the entire presentation
on note cards.
All you have to do is read them.
I don't know anything about architecture.
We're Walkers, and Walkers never quit.
Not true. We always turn a movie off
before it's over.
All you have to do is W-A-L-K
into that meeting and read them.
- Be a boss.
- Be a boss.
- Be a boss.
- Be a boss.
- Be a boss.
- Be a boss.
- Be a boss.
- Be a boss. Let's go!
Whoa. Whoa.
Dad, you can't just walk out there.
Keep your head down.
Make eye contact with no one.
- You're about to run the gauntlet.
- What's that?
It's very critical
that you don't stay in one place
for less than four seconds
or more than seven.
Hey. What's up?
Yo, Ruggles, what's up, man?
Heck of a game last Friday.
Seriously. You looked like Aaron Donald.
- Thanks, bud. I froze my ass off though.
- I got you.
Oh, dude, I bet.
- Get here.
- What?
- What are you doing?
- I got some news here.
Your dad happens to be the toast,
and high school's my jam.
Food metaphors have no place here, Dad.
This is life and death.
- I'm...
- I got it.
What's up, ladies? How are we?
- [indistinct chattering]
- [racy music playing]
Three. Three balls!
All right.
We don't eat garbage. That's not healthy.
No. Hey. Stop it.
That's the water for the doggy.
No doggy water. No. Nein.
[liquid running]
[Miles growling]
I'll give you your privacy.
If, if you want me to take over,
I can take over.
Oh, there she is.
- Right not on time.
- [chuckling]
[Hanes] Yeah. All right.
Peter, I'd like to thank you
and everyone at The Molson Group
for taking time to come in today.
- Start.
- Love that.
Our, our, our project leader
and all-around superstar, Jess Walker,
is gonna lead us through the presentation.
Jess? Jess, we're ready.
[all applauding]
- Jess.
- [Kara] Go, Jess.
You're gonna like it.
[Jess] Uh
Thank you for being here today.
- [Molson] Yes.
- I'm gonna get started.
First, I'd like to thank you
for coming today.
Second, I'd like to talk about this firm
because here at this firm,
we wanna exceed expectations.
We want to combine beauty
and function and innovation.
Here at this firm, we have no experience
building... We have experience...
- Is she okay?
- She's fine.
Here at this firm, at Atlas...
Here at Atlas...
[CC] The cards.
[clearing throat] Cards.
[stomach growling]
- I know, but my eyes don't work.
- Glasses.
[Jess] Okay. Um
- [all clamoring]
- I got it.
- I got it.
- Hang on. Don't panic.
Hang on. Okay, not to worry.
You know what, Jess?
Why don't I just jump in right here?
[Steve] I'm sorry?
Really? Uh
- Sorry. Continue.
- What's going on?
I'm gonna talk about the building itself.
[stomach rumbling]
- That's what matters.
- Yeah.
- That's what we're here for.
- Yup.
There's a roof and there are walls.
[rumbling continues]
There's a church.
Here is the steeple.
Open the door,
see all the people.
[all laughing]
[Molson] Know what?
You lucky 'cause I like to laugh
as much as the next person.
- You do?
- No, not really.
- You know what? We're done. Thank you.
- [Hanes] Peter.
- Tell him to pull the car around.
- No. No.
Wait. Wait. I think what my mom
is trying to say
is that we blend form and function
while using the south buttress
as a tiered garden,
while also supporting the central arcade.
- Hm. Who's this intelligent young woman?
- Oh, I'm her daughter.
And any intelligence I have is purely
because of the way my mother raised me.
- [chuckling] Open that up. Let me see.
- What is going on with you?
I think the ice cream
in the break room was expired.
- I...
- Ice cream in the break room?
I'm lactose intolerant.
That means you're lactose intolerant.
It's so bad.
I don't think I can hold it in.
Oh, yes you can. You wanna know why?
There are 40 years of farts
in that stomach.
You won't let them out
on the most important day of my career.
- I don't wanna let them out.
- Just breathe.
- [Steve] Jess, are you all right?
- I won't let them out.
Jess, why don't you just continue to tell
Mr. Molson about the presentation?
[CC clearing throat]
[panting] Yeah.
[stomach rumbling]
I've got it. Sorry.
I need to
I've got it.
[Jess farting]
I have to live in my body! I'm sorry!
[farting continues]
Oh my God.
[all clamoring]
She's really sorry.
I cannot believe my entire future
just blew up right in front of me.
That was in the past.
We have to focus on the present.
You have to play soccer for me.
The account. My partnership.
Why didn't you ask some of those people
for help? Don't they work for you?
Yes, CC, technically. But, ultimately,
it is my responsibility to...
Okay, whatever. Listen up.
Stand on the side, run around,
but if anyone passes you the ball,
for the love of God, pass it right back.
CC, I think I can handle that.
And, Mom, whatever you do,
try not to be weird with my friends.
Believe it or not,
I was pretty cool in high school.
I'm gonna go with "or not."
[upbeat music playing]
- Hey! You got this, CC.
- [mumbling]
- [guy] Kick some butt today.
- Butt will be kicked.
- [girl] Good luck today, CC.
- Thank you.
[all cheering]
[all] Go, CC! Go, CC! Go, CC!
Everything okay, C?
You seem a little stressed.
Yeah. No, I'm fine.
I just don't really like the roughhousing.
Right. By the way,
how are you liking the tattoo?
- I'm getting mine this weekend.
- Do not.
It was a completely irresponsible
and irrational decision,
and I regretted it immediately.
Did your mom see it? I bet she freaked.
No. As a good mother should,
she holds space
for all her children's mistakes.
[chuckling] That's hilarious.
You sound just like her.
[in robotic voice] "I am Jess Walker,
mother of the century,
and I hold space
for all of my children's mistakes."
[normal voice] Come on, bus is leaving.
It's game time, girl.
- [phone ringing]
- [Miles panting]
- Yes?
- Hey, Rolf, it's CC.
How's it going?
Uh, it's a tremendous challenge,
but I'll fix it.
Have no fear. Rolf is here.
What do you mean a tremendous challenge?
It's a child and a dog.
Make sure they're safe.
I will apply myself that much more firmly.
You don't have to be firm.
Keep it together.
We'll be home after the game.
I must leave you now.
The training continues. Ciao.
Rolf. Rolf.
[Miles growling]
[woman presenter] Welcome, everybody.
It's a beautiful day here at BMO Stadium.
The Lucy Jones Unicorns
are going up against their archrivals,
the Broadwick Daredevils
for the Southern California Championship.
Come on, Unicorns.
[woman presenter] The Unicorns are led
by their captain, CC Walker.
She was All-American her freshman year
and has received accolades ever since.
Let's not forget about the Daredevils.
They got their own secret weapons,
Gisele and Alyssa Thompson,
the Switchblade Sisters.
But I didn't say it.
Oh, this is torture.
Come on, Mom. Don't let me down.
- [horn blowing]
- [crowd cheering]
I think I see Alex Sullivan.
That's a scout for the US national team.
Hey, girl.
Oh my gosh. I'm gonna get it together.
Hey, Mrs. Jenk... Hey, Carrie. Hi, Carrie.
Oh my God, I love this backwards cap vibe.
Very festive. Very game day.
Just a little stressed today, actually.
Well, guess what?
Brought us a little game day vino.
- Wine?
- Yeah.
No. I'm focused on the game,
but thank you.
Oh. Right, I forgot. She's a super mom.
She focuses on the game.
She knows all the players' names.
I don't know anyone's name.
[mysterious music playing]
Ah. You're so not prepared for this, Dad.
What? I'm fine, okay? I went to college.
I can do a college interview.
You went to Arizona State University.
This is Yale.
Well, some would say that Arizona State
is the Yale of Southwest Tempe.
- Wyatt.
- Yeah?
I'm sorry. He... He's Wyatt.
I'm a man.
I'm an adult man with an adult body,
adult body hair.
I'm just like you.
Actually, I'm Scandinavian.
I'm surprisingly hairless.
Is your name Wyatt?
[chuckling] No. 'Cause I'm a man,
and Wyatt is a child.
This is Wyatt.
Okay, then. We're ready for you.
Okay, I'll be right in.
Thank you so much. I appreciate it.
[Wyatt sighing]
My God, man, get a grip.
What are we doing?
All right? Relax, okay?
Hey, when we play Jeopardy,
who always wins?
- Me.
- Okay, yeah, well, besides you?
- Mom.
- Okay, well, I beat CC, don't I?
- She never even watches with us.
- Okay, when we watch Is It Cake?
I'm always the first to guess
if it's cake.
- You are freakishly good at that.
- Thank you. Now wish me luck, okay?
Ninety minutes. Ninety minutes.
Ninety minutes.
[crowd cheering]
[male presenter] And away we go.
Come on, Unicorns! Come on, Unis!
[woman presenter] And her first touch is
- [crowd clamoring]
- [whistle blowing]
literally touching the ball
with her hands.
She caught the ball.
- [whistle blowing]
- [crowd clamoring]
- She caught it.
- Oh God, are you gonna be okay?
He saw her catch it. What is she doing?
She's hitting today.
The trick is you watch it on a tablet,
and then you can screengrab an image
and zoom in on it.
Once you see those brush marks,
that's how you know it's cake.
- Don't snap back.
- Yeah, we don't snap.
Is this, is this Flashdance?
Wyatt, just as a courtesy,
if you wanna start this over
Oh, please, no.
- No? You wanna hit save on
- Yeah.
[Bill groaning]
The body language is all wrong.
That is not enjoyment. That is judgment.
- Hey, Mr. Walker.
- [screaming]
Then Dave Grohl joined the band,
and they recorded Nevermind
in the spring of 1991.
- Is that Wyatt in there?
- Yes.
[clearing throat]
Yeah. Wyatt's in there. He's not out here.
You know, I'm happy for him about Yale.
It's just
I don't know. It's sad to see him go.
- Yeah? You'd be sad?
- Of course.
I mean, we've lived a block
away from each other since I was born.
You know, we always
used to play together as kids.
We even had this
Christmas teddy bear thing
we used to pass around each year.
- You remember that?
- Of course I do.
He's such a kind and thoughtful guy,
and honestly, there's so few of them.
He's really tough. He does karate.
Yeah. He's got two stripes
on his white belt.
Should be a yellow belt.
His sensei said he cried during his test,
which is insane
'cause he almost never cries in real life.
- [Jess] Get it to CC!
- [Carrie] Oh my gosh.
Girl. Okay, remember I told you that
John and I were having a little issue?
I tried that crazy thing
you told me about from college.
It worked. I went
[sound warping, slowing down]
[sweeping music playing]
[deep bass playing]
Walker gets sliced and diced
by the Switchblade Sisters!
It's a red card! Cut her from behind.
You saw that, right?
- You saw that?
- Yeah.
Can't imagine the national scout
is pleased with this performance.
- Pass me some of that wine?
- Absolutely.
We would be remiss
if we didn't talk about
the very exciting work
that you appear to be doing
with the Riemann hypothesis.
Solved it.
[all laughing]
- One of Hilbert's 23 unsolved problems?
- Yeah, tell Hillbilly he's down to 22.
Okay, Hillbilly has been dead
for 80 years.
As someone who has wrestled with Riemann,
I'm curious, which way are you leaning?
True or false?
- [Peter] Ira.
- Suck a duck.
Take a breath.
The Clay Institute offers a $1 million
prize to anyone who can solve Riemann.
We would love if you could show
some of your work here right now.
[Peter] Thrilled.
[suspenseful music playing]
Um [muttering]
I thought you said Redman.
I solved his hypothesis.
- The Redman hypothesis?
- Redman hypothesis?
From Wu-Tang?
- [dramatic music playing]
- [crowd cheering]
Come on.
[presenter] CC Walker sleeping
as that ball rolled
right between her legs.
[male presenter]
The Daredevils with a one-zero lead.
Oh, this is torture.
You are ruining my life!
When parents yell from the sidelines,
it puts pressure on the kids.
She popped out three kids,
and she works 60 hours a week.
I think she can handle
a little bit of constructive criticism!
I gotta get outta here.
I gotta get outta here.
That's my girl.
CC, I'm coming.
- Looks like we have a helicopter mom.
- Excuse me!
[crowd clamoring]
Black Hawk down.
Is that a Minecraft sticker
on your bottle?
- Yeah, I love Minecraft.
- You do?
- Yeah.
- What about Dune?
Wanna talk about the original
or the new one?
- I actually wanna talk about the novel.
- Frank Herbert is my favorite author.
- [gasping] What?
- Mm-hmm.
Any chance you're a vegetarian
who's open to cloned meats?
Obviously. Right?
It's the only ethical, sensible way to be.
- How do you feel about cyborgs?
- Robots kinda freak me out.
- Sure, totally. Robots are stupid.
- No.
Hey, you think Wyatt
might wanna go to Hunter's party?
- Hunter Drew is having a party?
- Mm-hmm.
Maybe I'll be able to hang out with him.
I think he might be there.
All right, cool. See you, Mr. Walker.
Don't, don't stand up on the chair. What?
- Push up.
- Push up. Mrs. Walker.
[coach] Hustle!
- Pass and move.
- Pass and move. Come on!
Seriously, I got this.
- Jeez.
- Sorry.
[both] Watch out for that sweeper!
[both] Take the shot!
- Goal!
- Goal!
[crowd cheering]
Okay, Mrs. Walker,
I appreciate the enthusiasm,
but parents are not allowed down here.
Ever since that lawsuit.
- You know this.
- Sorry.
[whistle blowing]
Come on, let's huddle up.
Come on. Bring it in.
All right. You guys can't hear this.
Get away. Get away.
You're giving me everything. I want more.
Put pressure. We gotta play our game...
Excuse me. I think we gotta switch
from a 4-4-2 to a 4-3-3.
You need the extra attacker out there
if we're gonna generate
any scoring opportunities.
- Let me have that board.
- That's mine. That's my board.
When you get that outer pass from Ava,
I want the attackers upfield.
They're gonna overcompensate,
and that'll be wide open.
This is what we've waited for
since kindergarten.
- Team on three.
- Team on three.
- One, two, three, team.
- Team!
[dramatic music playing]
They've switched from a 4-4-2 to a 4-3-3.
Someone give CC the ball.
- She's ready. She's open.
- [coach] Pass it.
There's a lob passed to CC Walker.
She's wide open.
- She's got it!
- Come on! Let's go!
- Let's go!
- CC, get it!
- A chance for the game-winning goal.
- You got it, CC! You got it!
[crowd clamoring]
[dramatic music continues]
You can't just... Put it in, CC!
Do it! Do it, Mama! Do it!
What are you doing, Mama!
What's she doing?
- You okay?
- No.
What is she doing?
I believe she's helping
the opposing player.
Here, I'll help you.
You know, CC Walker's hopes
for the national team
dashed right in front of us.
[male presenter] Pretty sad day.
Tell you that much.
CC, I said I was sorry.
Well, you always said
soccer doesn't make a real career.
Thanks to you, it never will be.
Honey, there will be other chances
at the national team.
You don't get it
because you don't really care about me
and about what actually makes me happy.
You just want me to be like you
and think like you and act like you.
It's not about the national team.
I just wanna get away from you.
[somber music playing]
Nein. Aus.
Aus. Stuck.
Drop it.
[Miles panting]
[Miles barking]
- What, wha... What do you want?
- [barking]
You want me to put this diaper on you?
If you understand me, bark twice.
[barks twice]
Super. You're fine.
[indistinct mumbling]
He asked me to do this.
Listen, I think the dog and the baby
are spending too much time together.
[CC] All right, time to put this day
behind us and switch back.
Oh, it looks great.
Fire it up.
Let's get this show on the road.
the old girl still ain't up and running.
Excuse me?
We put the telescope back together,
but we can't find the fifth lens.
It's no bigger than a quarter.
Damnedest thing.
- We looked everywhere for it. It's gone.
- Let's get a new one.
Dad, its an achromatic field lens
with a double convex eye.
The lens is comprised of thorium oxide.
Which has a similar crystalline structure
to calcium fluoride.
With optical properties
of high refractivity.
And low dispersion
[both] To minimize chromatic aberration.
Is that something we can get
at LensCrafters or...
Hell no, you can't pick it up
at LensCrafters.
- They're handmade in Switzerland.
- Lausanne, to be exact.
And the alignment
only lasts for one more day.
[chuckling] You'll catch the next one.
Very funny.
Why is that funny?
Because the next alignment is in 2162.
[mysterious music playing]
Hey, my favorite family.
Has everybody found the Christmas spirit?
Definitely not.
Well, maybe some Christmas caroling
will help bring it out.
- It always helps me.
- No. We're in a crisis. Are you serious?
It sounds like you need to fix
what is broken.
[Jess] Yeah, we have to fix the telescope,
but we have to find
a very specialized, specific lens...
It, it's a long shot, but he owes me,
and SpaceX probably has the tech
to fabricate the lens we need.
- [Jess] Right.
- [CC] Yes.
I'll call that Lyft.
[phone beeping]
- Guess what?
- You're a Lyft driver too?
Come on. Let's go.
["Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"
by Frankie Valli playing]
You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is
[Wyatt] All right, Walkers,
let's try and get some sleep.
Wyatt, what's wrong? What's going on?
I was talking to Ariana earlier, and, um,
she invited me, well, you,
to a party at Hunter Drew's house,
and I just was really hoping
to have my body back so I could...
I don't like parties.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes. Come on.
For Wyatt.
Why is everything blurry up close?
I don't... Ugh.
What is it, like midnight? I'm exhausted.
[upbeat music playing]
It's, like, 7:45.
This is kind of exciting, right?
Is it bad to say that this is the most
exciting thing I've done in years?
[kid] Jimmy, jump!
Should we call his mother?
I'm sure Jimmy's fine.
- Party on.
- I don't think Jimmy's moving.
[hip-hop music playing]
What are you doing?
Well, I realized
I have Mom's fingerprints and her face,
so I can use her one-touch
to take the team to Coachella.
$12,000. Buy now.
Whoa. Okay.
Let's see what Dad's got going on.
- Let's see.
- I'm in.
- Uh. Oh, that's a colonoscopy.
- Oh.
- Why are they so...
- [Carrie] Hey, girl!
[all] Yeah!
- Monthly moms' night in the house!
- Yes...
- Bill's here.
- [Bill] Um
- Her husband's here.
- I should go.
- Stay here.
- You want Bill to stay?
- It's unprecedented.
- I guess Bill's staying.
I'm starving.
You always outdo yourself every month.
We cannot wait to see
what you cooked for dinner.
Oh, what I cooked?
- Come on.
- Yeah, okay. Excuse me.
Oh, God.
What is going on with you two?
I've been worried about you
ever since the soccer game.
- I know a cry for help when I see one.
- The neighborhood is talking.
- No.
- Yes.
- Let's get that wine going.
- Yeah.
[hip-hop music playing]
- What?
- Ariana's coming.
- What's your plan?
- What?
I just don't want you
messing this up for Wyatt.
I got it. I'll be fine, all right?
Just relax.
- Hi, Ariana.
- Hi, CC.
You okay? I heard you had a stroke
at your soccer game.
- You're fine?
- Really good.
You look like you got dressed
at a Goodwill. You're not fine.
Hi. Sorry to interrupt.
I need to speak with my wife/spouse person
right now in the kitchen.
- Gotta go.
- Wife person?
We've never been hotter.
You don't even know,
it's just "passion" passion.
You know, my intimacy doula, Blaze,
says that couples need a minimum
of 12 kisses a day
just to sustain a relationship
Blaze has recently been working
with Harry and Meghan.
We've already kissed all day.
We've kissed like 14 times.
- [woman]I don't think so.
- Yeah.
- Why don't you guys give a kiss?
- What is going on?
I think they're on to us.
- What?
- Yeah.
- No, I've been gone for two minutes.
- I know.
I think we have to kiss.
[exhaling] Never doin' that.
- Please, little mouth-to-mouth CPR.
- Come on.
You have to kiss me. Just do it.
Wyatt. Wyatt!
- [all] Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
- Save your marriage.
They're like a pack of wolves.
- You have to do it.
- I don't wanna do it.
- We don't have a choice.
- Ew.
I'm so sorry, Wyatt.
Just be a man. Just do it fast.
Just do it. Do it.
- [woman 1] Fight for your love.
- [woman 2] Less talking, more kissing.
- Come on.
- [woman 3] Let's see it.
It's healthy.
Do it.
[all] No.
- Oh gosh.
- He looks like an iguana.
- They're kissing.
- Oh my gosh.
[suspenseful music playing]
[both gagging]
[women clamoring]
We have to ta...
We have to talk in the kitchen.
I wanna make out with him so bad.
- You want some?
- Oh no, please, no.
Especially not after six, no.
Between the colonoscopy and the polyps,
it's just a lot on my, on my heart.
- I'm so sorry.
- We got bigger problems.
- Mom and Dad are gone.
- What'd you mean? They can't be gone.
I don't know. They're gone.
What are we gonna do?
First thing is
to get rid of these crazy moms.
They're here for Mom's
monthly supper club.
Okay, so if we give them food,
they'll leave.
We'll make 'em something. Mom does it.
I've observed Mom making dinner
thousands of times.
How hard can it be?
- I'll get the chicken.
- I'll get the fixings.
[upbeat music playing]
Hey, girls.
Are we doin' it for the 'gram?
[music stops]
Whoa! Oh my God!
- Wait a minute!
- I'm getting some water!
[electricals whirring]
Turn this off!
- You know what? Gimme those.
- I knew it.
- Have some.
- I mean, I'm not driving, right?
[upbeat music playing]
These are so good.
The cheese and the chemicals all comes
together and melts in your mouth and...
- You're really into those?
- Not sure when I'll have these again.
- Cheez-Its?
- Yeah.
Gotta seize the opportunity
when it presents itself.
- Oh, hey, mistletoe.
- [Wyatt] Oh yeah. Look at that.
And I would do anything for love
I'd run right into hell and back
Uh I'm really sorry. I have to go.
[boy] Dude, do it!
- She just doesn't look well.
- She doesn't.
- I think she should try this...
- There's a scent to her.
- She has not been showering.
- Oh wow.
- You made ants on a log.
- Yeah.
What's that little guy doing
in the popcorn?
- Thank you so much.
- That's elf on the shelf.
- Oh, that...
- Is this artisanal celery?
[phone beeping]
[gasping] Maddy just uploaded a TikTok.
I manage her page.
She just got to Hunter Drew's party
and said that Wyatt is talking to Ariana.
Wait, who, who, who's doing what where?
Oh, and CC's just dancing alone
in a corner.
We have to go. Party's over! Call Rolf!
I think if we had a divorce in the group,
it'd be nice.
[hip-hop music playing]
Hey, abort mission.
Abort mission, okay? She tried to kiss me.
That's a good thing, right?
No, it's not. I'm 45. Do the math.
- You're right. That's a little bit weird.
- A little weird? It's disgusting.
Walker. What are you doing here, man?
I didn't invite you to this party,
science dork. [laughing]
Let's just go.
Yeah. He's right, okay?
We'll leave, all right?
[crowd clamoring]
Although, you know, I, I'm sorry, man.
I want you to know,
I'm not a science dork.
I'm more of a science nerd.
Whatever, geek.
You know, I'm such a nerd,
I looked at my dad's computer
and told him to delete all the cookies,
and he threw all the Oreos in the trash.
[all laughing]
Yeah, 'cause your dad's the only person
who'll hang out with you.
My dad happens to think I'm pretty great.
[soft heroic music playing]
You know, guys, I'm such a nerd
that the only dessert I eat is pie.
3.14. That's amazing.
[all laughing]
You'll get that one
when you take geometry again.
[all clamoring]
That's it, Walker. You're dead.
[girl screaming]
[hip-hop music playing]
- What happened?
- That was amazing.
- Oh, it was?
- Yes.
I'm so happy we did this.
I'm having so much fun.
- Me too.
- Why don't we do this more often?
Crash high school parties
in our kids' bodies?
No, I mean, go out together.
I don't know. Work, three kids, life.
When all this is over,
we're going out more.
Like we used to, all right?
I miss this. I miss you.
I miss you too.
Aren't they brother and sister?
["Bust A Move" by Young MC playing]
This is your song.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Somethin's coming.
[boy] Walker.
[all cheering]
Gonna get over here and join me?
[all] Hey, ho! Hey, ho!
This here's a jam for all the fellas
Tryin' to do what those ladies tell us
Get shot down 'cause you're overzealous
Play hard to get, females get jealous
Ok, smarty, go to a party
Girls are scantily clad and showin' body
A chick walks by you
CC Walker.
Have you seen CC Walker? Is she here?
- This is a high school party.
- Stay focused. Get us in there.
[music continues]
Wyatt! What's up, buddy?
Dad, what are you doing?
You can't do this.
Just let loose a little bit, bud. Come on.
- What are you doing?
- Hey, CC.
- This is absolutely unacceptable.
- I can explain.
You can explain?
I'm having fun.
Can you not be happy for your mother?
Moms don't dance like this.
I'm having fun. You have fun in my body.
For the rest of the time
you are in this body, you're grounded.
You're grounded.
I don't dance. I play Dungeons & Dragons.
These are the moments.
These are what I'm talking about.
- Okay, pattern recognition kicking in.
- Don't fight the feeling.
More epinephrine releasing.
[all] Hey, ho!
So don't hang yourself
With a celibate rope
New movie's showin', so you're goin'
Could care less about
The five you're blowin'
Theater gets dark
Just to start the show
Then you spot a woman
Sittin' in your row
She's dressed in yellow
She says hello
[music muffling]
[all] Hey, ho!
[joyful music playing]
[police car sirens]
- The cops are here!
- Go!
[all clamoring]
- Mr. Walker.
- Ariana.
I'm so embarrassed
about what happened with Wyatt.
- Wha... What happened?
- I don't know. Things got weird and
[girl] I'm so grounded!
- Don't you walk away from me.
- You're a total double standard.
I can't leave home
to do the one thing I love,
but you can do whatever you want.
Look at you. You were right
about that outfit. You look fly.
But I am here, stuck in this hag body,
and you're just out
while I have your stupid friends
and your psycho dog baby.
Is me having fun the problem?
Because I thought the problem
was me being a robot.
[in robotic voice] "I am Jess Walker.
Your criticism does not compute."
[normal voice]
Maybe we should be having more fun.
We weren't there to have fun.
We were trying to help Wyatt.
Yeah, right. When we walked in,
you were literally doing
the Electric Walker Slide.
Your mother and I had a small moment
for the first time in 20 years.
- So what?
- You also ruined things with Ariana, Dad.
Things are not that bad.
She tried to kiss me.
- You stole my first kiss?
- No. I pulled away.
- You rejected Ariana? On my behalf?
- God! Gosh!
- Dad.
- Now I'm confused.
- I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
- Let's go. Come on.
- [CC] We're not done with this.
- No.
- Oh, we're done.
- I can't win with you.
I can't believe you left
without permission.
- You left the house without my permission.
- I don't need it. I'm an adult.
No wonder you're so confused.
- [Pickles giggling]
- [indistinct chattering]
[Jess] Get out of my room.
I'm not sleeping in here.
[Wyatt groaning]
[all grunting]
[Bill] Dad, what are you doing?
Get out of here.
[CC] Don't even think about it.
[Bill] Nope.
All right.
["Merry Christmas" by The Ramones playing]
Merry Christmas
I don't want to fight tonight
Merry Christmas
I don't want to fight tonight
[man on radio] Ho, ho, ho, and feeling
hot, hot, hot here on Christmas Eve.
But keep the faith, people,
because Santa is coming tonight,
and he may just bring a Christmas miracle.
Hey, Wyatt, any news from Spock?
He says he should have
the lens done by tonight.
We can last another day.
Thank goodness
we got a second chance with Molson.
Call in sick to school
and go straight to my office.
Mom, wait, no. I have a math final today.
It's 30% of my grade.
You have to get to school.
Fine. Just try and stall them.
I'll get there as fast as I can.
Okay, but, Mom, if I am going to be you,
I gotta be me.
- What does that mean?
- It's...
- It's gonna be great.
- CC.
I'll be right there.
["Love Is All Around"
by Joan Jett playing]
Who can turn the world on
With her smile?
Who can take a nothing day
And suddenly make it all seem worthwhile
Well, it's you, girl,
And you should know it
With each glance
And every little movement you show it
No need to fake it
You can have the town
Why don't you take it?
You're gonna make it after all
Okay, guys, Mr. Molson and his team
are on their way.
We're gonna present our design
for Jefferson Gardens,
but this time,
we are going to do it as a team.
W-w-w-wait, so you don't want
to do it all by yourself?
No. I need help, guys. I need you all.
Whatever you need,
your team is here to help. Right?
- Oh my gosh!
- Of course.
Okay, everyone has nicknames today.
- Ooh. Could I be Beyonc?
- She doesn't remember our names.
- Snake bite, did you ever play sports?
- Field hockey in high school.
Team sport. My girl.
There are gonna be a lot of questions,
so you are in defense with Ramona Quimby.
- It's the bowl cut, isn't it?
- [all] Yeah.
Okay, team, on three.
- Bring it in. Ready?
- Great, I love it.
You guys are the best.
One, two, three, team.
- Yes!
- Go!
Well, that's everyone.
I guess I can let you all go
a little early.
Unless someone is brave enough
to give the extra credit problem a try.
[all groaning]
The answer you're looking for is 42.
That's correct.
I wasn't expecting anyone to get that.
Well, you're actually asking
the wrong question.
- I am?
- [boy] CC.
- Please elaborate.
- With pleasure.
It's essentially an architectural problem.
We're solving for a curvature equation
using differential geometry.
But what's the vector analysis?
Where are the planar quadrilaterals?
And we must calculate
for the cross-structural integrals.
- You know, guys, math is art.
- [boy] Seriously?
Just look at the quadrature of Notre Dame,
or even the Golden Ratio of the Parthenon.
And even the Chaminar Monument in India
uses the number four in its intervals.
Right, guys? Come on.
[bell ringing]
Mr. Hollis, when do you think
we'll have those results?
I'm worried about my grades.
Miss Walker, I think we both know
where you stand.
- It's really that bad, then?
- What? No.
I mean, the progress that you've made
this semester, it's been amazing.
If your mom could see
how hard you've been applying yourself,
she'd be really proud.
[soft music playing]
Thank you.
What do you mean
it's not gonna be done on time?
Spock, I need that lens tonight
before the planetary alignment ends.
There are astrological implications.
You're the frontman. Heard great things.
Ten million people watching tonight.
Pressure's on. You know what they say.
Burst pipes makes diamonds.
Gwyneth, no more candles.
Come on. Load up.
Come on, bro. It's time. Let's roll.
[heart pumping]
- Come on.
- Yeah.
[muffled] You gonna be all right?
Ready to do this?
- Kara?
- Hm-mm.
You don't know this,
but my daughter, she's like a...
- She's a really good soccer player.
- Of course I know that.
You've shown everyone here, like,
no less than 1,000 videos of her playing.
- I have?
- Yes.
She's awesome.
So I'm being a total control freak
by killing a huge opportunity for her
to move away from home
and play with the national team.
You're not being a control freak.
You're just doing
what you think is best for CC.
- Please.
- Jess.
You're my boss, and you're my role model,
and I'd be thrilled if I could manage
to balance work and family
even as half as well as you can.
But you've taught me
it comes with sacrifices.
What sacrifices?
I mean, not like sacrifices
because they're for your kids,
and apparently, they're important.
I wouldn't know.
I have hamsters. But, like, sacrifices.
Like how you've told me, you haven't
taken a vacation in five years
so that you could pay
for CC's soccer camps.
Or how you could've
had this promotion three years ago,
but didn't want to miss her games.
It's what makes you the best mom I know.
We're gonna go in and kick ass,
you, that beautiful tie,
and those yellow pants.
Girl, you can pull anything off.
[soft music playing]
I'm sorry, Mom.
- No, no, CC, stop.
- I didn't understand how hard your job is.
- And everything you do for our family.
- No, no, CC.
I'm the one who's sorry.
You were right, honey.
Your way works for you,
and it doesn't have to be my way
to be a good way.
More than anything in this entire world,
I just want you to be okay.
I will be okay
'cause I have the best mom in the world,
and that's how she raised me.
[both crying]
- Mom
- Hm.
We are gonna W-A-L-K
out of here and crush this pitch.
- Because Walkers never quit.
- Walkers never quit.
Come on.
Hey. Yo, one, two, three, four.
Yo, Gabi. Yo, Gabi.
Can you guys believe this?
They seriously expect us to sit up here
and listen to Walker's band play music
instead of us.
Didn't Mr. Walker
have a chance to play in Green Day?
- I think it was Black Sabbath.
- It was a band about a color.
Imagine giving up the opportunity
to be a rock star
just to be Wyatt's dad.
- Like...
- That's sad.
- [boy 1] Like that's...
- [boy 2] I'd rather be the rock star.
Mr. Molson, Mr. Hanes,
thank you so much for giving me
the opportunity to speak with you again.
You're safe today.
- No dairy for breakfast.
- Okay.
Let's cut through the stench
and talk to you about our beautiful
building on 7th and Main.
- That's right. Yup.
- Jess.
[phone vibrating]
- [Steve] Everything all right?
- [Molson] What's going on? Guys?
[Steve] What are we doing?
[Molson] Okay. Come on, guys.
- All good?
- He's leaving again.
[Mr. Molson] Um
No. Mr. Molson, I'm so sorry.
[soft music playing]
My family needs me.
But I'm proud to leave you
in the very capable hands of this team.
They know these plans better than anyone.
They'll show you every detail.
You've got it.
We got it.
Just hold on, Jess.
So starting with the exterior garden
[people shouting] We want the show!
We want the show!
Do you not hear that?
We want the show! Where's your guy?
- Just one more minute.
- I don't have a minute.
- Wyatt, where's your dad, man?
- I don't know, Lake. I can't find him.
We passed on
a synchronized swim band for this.
- [Jess] Dad.
- [CC] Bill.
- We got here quickly.
- Where's Wyatt?
I've looked everywhere. I'm worried.
- Let's go find him.
- We want the show!
- Wyatt!
- Wyatt, where are you, son?
Come on, dude. You're freaking us out.
I'll check the science wing.
You get east and west corridors.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Hey, Wyatt. Wyatt.
- God.
- Hey, Dad.
What are you doing, man?
Wipe it up. We gotta go on stage.
I really wish I could.
I just... I can't.
I'm not like you, Dad. I'm sorry.
What are you sorry for?
I heard these kids talking
about how you were in a band
that went on to be huge,
but you had to settle for being my dad.
[Bill grunting]
I may have been in a band
that went on to become a huge success.
But so what?
Well, which band was it?
Maroon 6.
Isn't it Maroon 5? [gasping]
- [gasping] No way.
- Yeah.
[both chuckling]
Do I miss it sometimes? Yeah.
I mean, it's hard to accept
that your glory days are behind you,
but would I trade
what I have now for anything?
No way.
Being your dad
has been the rock 'n' roll
adventure of a lifetime.
Come here.
[joyful music playing]
Love you, buddy.
I love you, Dad.
[CC panting]
- Wyatt. You okay?
- Um
Well, uh, I'm not doing the show,
and I'm pretty sure Yale
is not gonna be callin'.
Yeah, and Dad or Alive
is no longer living. So
If it makes you feel better,
I think my dreams of playing
for the national soccer team
are pretty much shot.
Yeah, and I think I can say
I no longer work at Atlas.
I haven't heard anything from Spock
about the lens.
[mellow music playing]
Wait, tell me that it's
for the family Christmas videos.
What do you mean?
When I'm with you guys, I'm not afraid.
It's just like when we were kids.
It's just us.
- Yeah, we'll all be right there.
- Right behind you.
Okay. Okay.
- Go. Go. Go.
- All right.
[guitar music playing]
[Wyatt panting]
You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
Walkers are losers!
He's making a list
He's checking it twice
He's gonna find out
Who's naughty or nice
Santa Claus is coming to town
Santa Claus is coming to town
Santa Claus is coming to town
[band joins in]
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows when you've been bad or good
So you better be good
For goodness sake
You better be good for goodness sake
Oh, you better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
Santa Claus is coming to town
Santa Claus is coming to town
[band continues]
[crowd cheering]
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
I love you, Wyatt!
He knows if you've been bad or good
So you better be good
For goodness sake
You better be good for goodness sake
Oh, you better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
Santa Claus is coming to town
Santa Claus is coming to town
[crowd cheering]
I'm so sorry.
Dad or Alive.
I was not expecting that.
Dad or Alive,
you're going to Hollywood!
[crowd cheering]
I'm proud of you, son.
You did it! You did it!
Good job! Good job!
Jess! Jess!
Oh my God.
- Mr. Molson, I can explain, sir.
- There's no need.
- Kara insisted I tell you in person.
- I did.
Your team delivered that pitch perfectly.
I'm awarding you
the Jefferson Gardens project.
- Congratulations.
- We got it?
- We got it!
- Oh my God!
Way to go, partner.
Partner? What about me?
- You're fired.
- Ho, ho, ho.
- Thank you, sir. Thank you.
- No problem.
- Wyatt.
- I'm Wyatt.
There's been a ripple
in the space-time continuum,
or a glitch in the simulation.
I'm in my father's body.
- Makes sense.
- You have the lens?
Well, depends. You still got
that Charizard you told me about?
My first edition PSA-rated 10
holo Charizard card?
- How dare you.
- Oh, I dare.
That's my prized possession.
More prized than your own body?
[mysterious music playing]
- Take it.
- I'll take it.
Nice doing business with ya.
- We got the lens.
- We got it.
- We got the lens?
- Yeah.
How long
until the planets fall out of alignment?
Thirty-seven minutes.
To get across town?
We'll need a rocket ship.
[tense music playing]
You asked for a rocket ship,
I give you a '69 Yenko Camaro.
Mom, we need Pickles and Miles.
Wait, who's gonna drive?
Look, we'll do it together, okay?
[car revving]
Okay, kiddo, I got shifting and steering.
You got the gas,
the brake, and the clutch.
- What's the clutch?
- It's the other pedal.
- There's three pedals?
- This is your plan?
- Didn't say it was a good one.
- Hit it.
- [car revving]
- [upbeat music playing]
Phew. Okay, rough start.
But we're learning, all right? Here we go.
- Okay.
- When I say gas it, you just...
[upbeat music playing]
- Which way do we take?
- Take the 110 to the 101.
No. The game's just ended.
Downtown will be a parking lot.
Well, then what?
We get off at Western and go up through
Koreatown into Little Armenia.
Look, we just need to get
to the 101 North.
No. Harry Styles had a concert
at the Hollywood Bowl.
Man, that'll be
a One Direction nightmare, huh?
- Not the time, Dad.
- Yeah, sorry.
How about we take the 10 to the 110
to the 101 South to the five,
get off at Los Feliz?
That's a very strange route.
Somebody make a decision.
There won't be a decision.
There's gridlock on the bridge.
Guys, we're not gonna make it.
[all panting]
[Bill] We are gonna make it
because Walkers never quit.
- [car screeching]
- [upbeat music playing]
[Jess] Go left!
[all yelling]
- Watch out!
- I got this.
This is not a video game!
Feels like one! Whoa.
- The lens! The lens bounced out!
- It's on the hood! It's on the hood!
[Jess] I am getting that lens.
Watch out for my big booty Judy!
Careful! Hold on!
I am getting it!
- Hurry up!
- Don't let go!
- Get back!
- I got it!
[music continues]
[all yelling]
[all panting]
Oh, man, my door.
Good news. Car still looks
pretty cheery on this side.
[truck honking]
[Bill gasping]
Shall we?
[CC] Let's go, Walkers!
[upbeat music playing]
We're gonna make it.
[mysterious music playing]
What are you doing here?
I think you need
a little Christmas miracle. Get in.
[tires screeching]
- We have it. Go. Go.
- Whoa!
[suspenseful music playing]
No. No. No.
It's not your fault.
[all sighing]
Not now, Miles or Pickles
or whoever you are.
- [Wyatt] What's that in his mouth?
- [Bill] What do you got?
[Pickles growling]
It's the original lens.
He must've picked it up
and put it in the pocket.
- We still have ten seconds.
- I love you, you little magpie.
- Go!
- Go!
Come on.
[Jess] Come on. Wyatt, go.
- Okay. We're good.
- You did it.
Everybody wish you were back
in your original bodies.
[suspenseful music playing]
[Angelica] Everybody say,
"Merry Christmas."
[all panting]
- Mom?
- You're me.
You're me.
[Bill] I don't understand.
I feel the same.
Yeah, me too.
[somber music playing]
It didn't work.
It's all right.
It's all right, kids.
["The Christmas Song"
by Nat King Cole playing]
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at your nose
Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow
Will find it hard to sleep
Hey, thanks for the ride.
Just for the record, we did what you said.
We fixed the telescope.
It didn't work, but
[Angelica] I didn't say anything
about a telescope.
I said fix what is broken.
Well, Merry Christmas, Angelica.
Merry Christmas, CC.
[music continues]
And so I'm offering
This simple phrase
Well, I forgot the presents.
It's okay, Mom.
To kids from one to 92
Well, whatever happens next,
we'll get through it together.
Although it's been said many times
Many ways
Merry Christmas
To you
[electricity buzzing]
[whimsical music playing]
- Bill?
- Hm?
[soft music playing]
- [Pickles barking]
- [Miles] Mama.
[Miles mumbling]
[Jess] Wake up. I think we're back.
CC? Wyatt? I think...
Yes. They're back. Are you back?
- Is that you?
- [Wyatt] Guys, look, it's snowing.
- It's snowing?
- We did it!
It's a miracle!
[all cheering]
Oh, my knees!
- [Bill] Buddy! Oh, it feels so good.
- I can eat ice cream again.
You can. Eat all the ice cream you want.
Hello, buddy. Oh yeah.
Are you our wonderful baby doggy?
- Wyatt?
- Mom.
- CC.
- Dad.
- Yes!
- Oh, my beautiful body.
Oh, buddy.
Dad, I just got an email. I
Yale says I'm not ready yet.
[soft music continues]
Ariana, hi.
Merry Christmas.
Mr. Mistletoe.
That's just to keep you company
when you're gone.
I'm actually not leaving.
But it's okay 'cause
these last couple of days, I've really had
the time to realize what's important.
And Yale's not going anywhere.
I feel like if I leave now,
I'll miss out on way too much.
Like what?
Well, sharing Mr. Mistletoe with you.
[music intensifies]
You kiddin' me?
That's how you know it's cake.
- So Minecraft later?
- Yeah, of course.
All right, we'll go on my server.
Yours is a little cluttered.
It's not.
Excuse me. Is this CC Walker's house?
Yeah. I, I'll grab her right now.
Thank you.
CC, Alex Sullivan
from the US National Team.
Yeah. Mr. Sullivan, I know who you are.
My flight got delayed
because of this snowstorm,
so I thought I'd come in person
and give you the news.
We'd like to officially
give you another chance.
Really? Even after that horrible game?
We're looking for two things
in our players.
Good soccer. Good character.
I've seen your tapes.
I knew you were a great soccer player.
But when I saw you
give up a game-winning goal
to help an injured opponent,
I knew you had both.
Oh my gosh.
Can you hold on for one second? Hey, Mom?
It's a miracle.
This is the rep from the national team.
He just offered me another chance.
But I'm, I'm saying no, right?
Wait. No.
- Right. I'm so sorry...
- Wait, no, we're saying yes.
You have to say yes.
And look, if soccer is the thing you love,
I'll be at every game.
Yeah. Try and stop me.
Thank you!
[joyful music playing]
Okay, I have no idea what...
- Yes!
- Yes!
- This is yours.
- Hey, guys!
Thank you.
- See you at the tryouts.
- Thank you so much.
Merry Christmas.
["It's the Most Wonderful Time
of the Year" playing]
[shouting in excitement]
- What?
- Oh my God.
This is glorious!
It's the most wonderful time
Of the year
It's the hap-happiest season of all
With those holiday greetings
[Angelica] Merry Christmas, Walkers!
It's the most wonderful time
Yes, the most wonderful time
Of the year
["Feliz Navidad"
by Jos Feliciano playing]
I'm so sorry you're kissing your mother,
who's also your sister.
- I'm so sorry...
- Don't worry about it.
[all laughing]
Upon meeting you,
you seem more like a middle-aged man
of middling intelligence.
Low. Middling to low intelligence.
Sort of an Ed Helms type.
[all laughing]
What are your safety schools?
And you...
[all laughing]
Bazooka. Mark.
[man] Drink it ugly, and it'll work.
I don't...
I am a 50-year-old refined person.
[all laughing]
[man] Oh my God.
So gross. Oh my gosh.
I am an ungrateful malcontent
who has no idea the kind of sacrifices
people make for me.
- [farting]
- [all laughing]
Beelzebub. Mark.
Sorry? I can't hear you
'cause I have my earbuds.
Threw it in his face.
He caught it. Threw it back.
I bounced it. Bounced it. Bounced it.
You saved my marriage.
[moaning, groaning]
I tore a hammie.
Go on without me.
You've nothing to worry about. Your puppy
and baby are in very capable hands.
[laughing] Sorry.
Are they gonna kill us?
They're freaking me out.
[all grunting]
Can you unshave my legs?
[laughing] Go back.
That's how you do it, ladies.
[all laughing]
This is not how I thought
my life would turn out.
- Everything's gonna be fine.
- Yeah, Coach?
- Yeah, CC?
- I can't breathe.
[all laughing]
He's laughing.
Please leave this room and never return.
[all laughing]
Has she cracked?
Emma, Emma, Emma, Emma.
[CC clearing throat]
- Emma.
- Oh [bleep].
It's great.
- Is that...
- Yeah.
I'm on a new cleanse
where I just eat everything,
and then that's it.
Kiss me. Kiss me.
[both laughing]
[whimsical instrumental music playing]