Fanged Up (2017) Movie Script

Oh God.
Yes. Yeah!
Oh. Oh God.
Shit. Come on... Come on!
Come on!
Come on!
Come on!
Come on!
Yes! How you doing, Mickey?
It's Marley.
- Whatever.
Oh, yes!
Danielle, fancy a...
- I ain't got no money, Jimmy.
She knows. Here we go.
Lads, hows it going?
Dakota, you're looking super fine there
sugar tits.
You have to pay for your drinks here,
Ha-Ha. Yes, lads.
Everyone having a good time?
Look at her go. Nice swinging, Kat.
Ooh, sweethearts.
Yes, girls. Two of you. One of me.
That's about four and a half inches each.
Anyway, girls, I was just wondering
if you fancied a...
bottle of champagne, you know.
On the house, of course.
Why? Do you work here?
- Work here?
That's precious. Nah, I own the place.
Oh, slow down there Kath.
You couldn't do us a favour, could ya?
A couple of cakes for the girls over here.
Better make that diet coke.
Jimmy, fuck off.
- 00f. Awkward.
That's what happens
when you give the staff...
the staff.
- You wish, Spaghetti Dick.
Dunno what she's talking about.
It's like that.
What the fuck you doing, kid?
- Um, this tune, it's wicked, man.
Big fish...
Jimmy, the dishes aren't gonna
wash themselves, mate, are they?
Oh God.
You're a liability, kid.
You're disgusting, offensive
and really annoying.
Everybody wants you gone.
You make it sound like they've signed
a petition or something.
666 signatures.
- What?
The fuck? I don't recognise
any of these names though.
The dancers used their real names,
didn't they?
I mean, hence the lack of American states
and deserts.
There's also an unfortunate rumour...
that you've been trying to fuck my wife.
Whoa, whoa, boss. Slow down.
I've got too much respect for you
for that. Also...
you know me, I only go for
proper fucking dick shrinkers. Look.
I'm going to fuck you up.
- Whoa. Easy boss!
Say it. Don't spray it!
- What?!
I want the news. Not the weather.
- You're fired.
Oi. What the fuck you doing?
God, if I wanted my face to be that wet,
I'd get your wife to sit on it.
Fucking hell, it's all kicking off.
Good for you, I've quit my job... Oi sweetheart,
you still want that diet coke?
Sorry about all this.
It's been crazy tonight.
Some moron started a fight at Club Moist.
I blame the full moon.
Anyway, you are in cell...
The judge will see you...
on Monday.
- On Monday?
You'll be, um...
spending the weekend at Stokesville.
What's that? Like an Airbnb?
If you'd be so kind to followthe officer.
He'll, uh, assist you with your transfer.
Uh, what? Why? Why am I being transferred?
I'm full.
What? You...
You alright, mate?
Nice handcuffs.
What are they? Designer label?
Do they do 'em for men?
Whoa. Easy there, big fella.
What are you in for?
I had an orgy in a morgue.
Uh, a morgy?
What about you, son?
Which one of you rascals is for Crampton?
- Me.
And where they putting you, son?
- Stokesville.
Jesus Christ.
Jesus has nothing to do with that place.
May God have mercy on your soul.
James Ragsdale, this is Warden Renfield.
You may call her Ms Renfield.
Or sir.
Did you say sir?
Ms Renfield doesn't care who you are
or what you've done
but under her roof,
you will consider her your mother.
Except she will not wipe your ass, and,
unlike your mother
she doesn't suck sailors off
for beer money.
She does it for free?
Welcome to Stokesville, bitch.
Throw him into number 13.
Number 13?
That's the cell with you knowwho.
He won't survive the night.
Why won't I survive the night?
Won't I like him?
What's wrong with the fella?
Won't I like him? A bit of a chatterbox, is he?
- Take him away.
He's a snorer, ain't he?
I'm only here for the weekend!
Wait. There's been a terrible mistake!
Wait! Argh!
How did you sustain this injury, Bob?
Got bit.
Someone bit you.
Hm... I forget.
Honour amongst thieves, hey?
- Hm.
Would you tell me for a lollipop?
Dr Tommy used to save me the green ones.
There's no green ones no more.
No. There isn't, is there?
So Bob, did... Did Dr Wallace...?
Sorry, Dr Tommy. Did he see this?
Dr Tommy was worried about it.
No one else was.
He was a good man.
Yes he was.
So, Bob, have you been experiencing
any other symptoms?
You know, like fever
aching joints, shortness of breath,
headaches or dizzy spells?
Which ones?
All of them.
Ok. I'm going to need to check
your heartbeat.
Bob don't feel so good.
Dr Makepeace,
Governor Payne requests your presence.
Look, there's been a terrible mistake.
Come on, guys.
This is getting serious now.
I need to speak to the boss
the Governor.
He was that fella up in the window.
I know the score. I've seen Shawshank.
Urgh. What the...
What the fuck happened in there?
Cut himself shaving.
Move along.
- What was he shaving with? A fucking axe?
The wa...
Wait guys. Come back. Come on!
Hello? I'm Jimmy.
I'm your new cellmate.
I was just talking to the guys outside
about ya.
They said you was well alright.
They lied.
The Governor is ready.
I see you didn't get the memo
in regard to jewellery in the workplace.
Excuse me?
Look, stay back, alright?
I know karate.
I once broke man's spine in half.
After I remove it.
Through his anus.
Yeah? Urn, well, do you know Matt Flynn,
from the Dandridge Estate?
Um, he kissed my girlfriend in year 11,
so I nutted him.
Well, I say I nutted him
It was more like a Chinese burn,
but everyone saw it.
I killed over 20 men.
With my bear...
- Your bare hands, yeah?
I've heard it all before, comrade.
With my bear.
Oh, you've actually got a bear?
- Yes, Mishkov.
In Magadan, everybody own bear.
- Whoa.
That's actually pretty cool. You win.
And listen, all that stuff I was saying
back then about Chinese burns.
I didn't do it.
I was just trying to act hard.
I can tell.
You do not look like man
capable of causing pain.
In Russia, we call you pisda.
- You are little man child.
Lost. Searching for the mamma's...
How do you say?
Bangers? Um, top bollocks?
Um, baby feeders? Fun bags?
- Breasts! Yes!
You're searching
for the mamma's breasts to suck on.
It's uncanny.
Excuse me?
Oh, could I interest you in a nightcap?
A Bloody Mary perhaps?
Um, is this a test?
Well, why do you ask that, Dr Makepeace?
Well, Governor, with the upmost respect,
this is my very first post as GP.
Consuming an alcoholic beverage
would be a Hippocratic violation.
She's new.
Neanderthals and nitwits
associate this delightful potation
with Queen Mary the First.
She delighted in the bloody results
of pitting Protestants against Catholics.
I mean, she, herself, was a Catholic.
As, uh, you are, I see.
Of course, this is all bullshit.
Now, to discover the bona fide birthplace
of this thirst quenchefls nom de plume,
we must step into the smoky saloons
of 1900s Chicago
namely, the Bucket of Blood Saloon
a watering hole
for heavily inebriated drinkers
who ended up in violent bar room brawls
bleeding all over that saloon bar floor.
And it was the unenviable task
of some unfortunate waitress
to mop up those blood-soaked floorboards.
Her name was...
Mary, of course.
And all Arnold Palmer had to do
was win the US open.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Yes. Very very very very good,
Dr Makepeace.
- That is all.
It is time for you to return
to your duties.
Uh, I think...
I think maybe I should examine you, sir.
That's... That's quite alright, child.
You just concentrate
on keeping the prisoners fit and healthy.
At my age, a man yearns for two things:
love in his heart and...
blood in his veins, and regrettably...
I have neither.
It was nice to finally meet you,
Governor Payne.
I know...
what is best for the Governor.
You should be advised
to observe your own boundaries
when it comes
to the Florence Nightingale routine.
Your predecessor failed to get that
into his thick egghead
and that's why we let him go.
And nowyou're
in his lab coat hand-me-down.
I thought he went missing.
Oh. Did you know Dr Wallace?
Never heard of him.
And by the way, your closet...
it's glowing.
Just what the doctor ordered.
condom just fell off?
Yeah. Before I could seal the deal.
Anyway, cut a long story short,
she went into school. She told everyone.
So I got the nickname, Spaghetti Dick.
I see.
Anyway, enough about me.
What are you doing here?
I was big shot in Russian mafia.
Until one day, my own brother, Rusev
put contract out on me.
I killed him with my bare...
- What Mishkov?
No. My bare hands.
- Ah.
Why do you always interrupt?
What's that?
It's time to eat.
- What? At midnight?
Governor says it's better for digestion.
Must be the Atkins diet.
I do not know this Atkins fellow
but I think if you continue
with the funny mouth
perhaps you will end up as dessert.
Ah, fucking hell. Leave it out.
Come on. You'll look after me, won't ya?
I just told you my story
about the Spaghetti Dick.
We're basically brothers.
I look after only one man.
Who's that?
Alright, come on then.
- OK. Stand up.
The first rule of surviving prison
is to find biggest, strongest man you can
and punch him in face
show everyone you have no fear.
I admire your enthusiasm
but perhaps wait until you have audience.
Listen. I could be the daddy of this place
if I wanted to, but...
there's no point upsetting the apple cart,
is there?
Plus, I'm only here for the weekend,
ain't I?
Hm... Keep telling yourself that.
Even though I know
you're a little pussy boy
who's scared of own shadow
and your public hairs are longer
than your pee-pee.
Yeah. Alright. Get on with it.
Nobody else knows this.
And we must keep it that way.
So from now on...
you must behave exactly like me.
I ain't gonna be able to do
that Sputnik accent.
If somebody stares at you
You must NEVER be first to look away.
Well, go on then. Move along.
Abort. Abort.
Attendance seems a bit low.
Well, I guess it is Saturday night.
They're probably all out clubbing.
Is it BBQ night tomorrow?
- Where's Bob?
Have you seen Bob?
The herd is thinning.
Who are those guys over there?
What are they looking at?
Oh, I think they want a bit of me sausage.
You want a bit of me sausage?
Stay away from these men.
They stalk the showers. They are Nazis.
Of course they're nasty. We're in prison.
No. They're Nazis.
- What?
Can't be Nazis.
World War II was over about 30 years ago.
Woo-ooh. You can have some if you want.
You remember what we talked about in cell?
My Spaghetti dick?
No. Showing strength of bear.
Well, you need to do this
and you need to do this now.
He is perfect.
Oh, come on. Isn't there anyone else?
ladybird just flew out the window.
Now remember what Victor said
make big deal
make sure everyone is watching
then hit him as hard as you can
as many times as you can.
OK... I'll do it.
Oi! Whose apple is that?
Oh. That's mine.
No. I said, whose apple is that, bruv?
Yeah, no. I heard you, yeah.
And I said, it's mine. Why?
Oh. Sorry.
Sorry. Would you like it? Go on. Have it.
And actually, come here.
Listen, if you want anything,
I mean absolutely anything...
I'm the man. Yeah? The name's Shifty.
- Alright, Shifty, mate.
Nice to meet you. Yeah.
Listen, you see the screws over there,
they think they know the lay of the land
but old Shifty knows every
nook and cranny.
What's a cranny?
- Got no idea. Anyway...
welcome to Stokesville.
- Alright mate.
Lovely to meet you.
- Cheers.
Oh, fuck it.
Oh God.
That really hurt.
Ah, shit. Sorry Shifty mate.
Can we get some frozen peas over 'ere?
What you doing?
- Alright, listen. It's me first day.
What? And you thought you'd look hard?
- Yeah.
Well, it didn't work for me either.
- Sorry.
Alright, big fella.
Go on! Go on!
Got something in your ear though.
I'll get it for ya.
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
- Slowdown, fella.
I have not seen it gleam like this
in an age.
But why now?
- It's a sign.
It's divining.
It's saying that the vessel
of upmost purity...
has finally arrived.
The synergy of the fairest one being
within our grasp
while the hunter's moon looms overhead
is the rarest of opportunities...
that we cannot afford to squander.
We must make preparations.
Immortality is within our grasp.
- Yes. Yes.
Yes, of course, yes. We must.
Sir, you grow weak.
I shall notify the help
and fetch your sorbet.
Oh, no, no. We ought to be running low.
But, sir... don't you get it?
After tonight, it does not matter.
- Yes, yes.
The mating ceremony must be implemented
in great haste.
Most are.
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
tag it!
What's happened?
- Sit down.
Sit down.
What's going on?
- Sit down.
What? Why?
- Sit down.
- Head down.
Alright. Keep your head on.
Take a chill pill.
What is it?
- The sorbet.
- It doesn't happen often.
But once in a blue moon,
the Governor invites one of us
up to his quarters for the... sorbet.
Ah, that actually sounds quite lovely.
- Shut up.
The Governor cordially invites you.
Ah, I never win anything!
Get up!
No! Help me! No!
Hey, wait up.
If he doesn't want to go, I'll go.
He's got plenty of time.
I'm only here for the weekend.
Oh yeah, you. Shut it!
- Wait. What?
Fucking get him!
For God's sake Jimmy.
What have I got to do to get away
from you?
Solitary confinement is not that solitary.
Strange things are afoot
in Stokesville prison, huh?
There's no need to be afraid lads.
He's just a big Rusky teddy bear.
Not him.
If you boys like strange
then you've come to the right place.
I didn't bang a hooker.
Our first holiday as a couple,
off to Spain with the gang.
I was ready to give myself to you
and only you.
Then, you disappear with the lads
and go and catch gonorrhoea from...
She wasn't a prostitute.
Her name was Ping Pong Pat.
I hardly think
she was a quantity surveyor.
She was an entertainer.
Her aim was a little bit off,
but the velocity of them things flying out.
It was a physical marvel.
I mean, you're... you're a doctor,
if you'd seen it, you, uh...
you would have appreciated it.
Yeah, I'm not doing this. Not again.
This is a past life,
and I buried this years ago. And nowthis.
This is very important to me
and I'm not going to let you fuck it up.
How am I gonna mess it up?
I'm only here for the weekend.
Ragsdaie, this is Stokesviiie prison.
Nobody is here for the weekend.
Who are you?
What matters...
is what I know.
Not who I am.
Reeves, shut up in there.
N ow.
My name is Reeves.
And you are?
- Well, we don't want to tell you that now.
Yeah, didn't want to tell us yours.
Did you?
Oi! That goes for the rest of you,
Victor, Shifty, Craig and Alex.
Howlong have you been here?
A long time, my friend.
Avery long time.
- Fortunately?
It's horrible down here.
It's horrible.
But safe.
- Ah.
Much like condom.
This prison...
is not like other houses of correction.
You may not have noticed
there is something lurking
within the foundations
of this mould-ridden monolith.
- What mean lurking?
I have observed many disturbing aberrations
within these rotting walls.
Like nobody
but nobody, ever returns from the sorbet.
And old man, Gary.
- Yeah.
He's been here 52 years.
Says the Governor was here before him.
Reckons he's not aged a day.
Yes, well, I, uh...
I hadn't noticed those things.
But... very good. Well done.
Come on,
you got to believe me on that at least.
I'm telling the truth...
- Jimmy.
Jimmy, you don't have to convince me
you got beaten up in a strip club
for chatting up a married woman
instead of doing the dishes.
That's trademark you.
That's not what's causing me to wear out
my shoes right now.
Well then, what is?
I can't say
but I'm gonna get you out.
I can't let you jeopardise this.
Plus, someone like you,
shouldn't be in here for your own safety.
Katie, what is going on?
You maybe an asshole,
but you don't deserve to die.
You deserve the shit kicked out of you,
but by the looks of things
that's been well taken care of.
Come on. Oi, you love me really.
No, Ragsdale.
I really don't.
Governor Payne?
Oh stop complaining!
You should feel buoyant!
You are our final dining guest
before the great transition.
And you,
you have provided our beloved leader
with the energy he needs to...
to taste the blood of the wretched
with the sun on our flesh.
How ironic that the brightest day...
will be the world's darkest.
Oh, hi, Dr Katie.
Why...? Why are you dressed like that?
Uh, I dunno.
- OK.
OK. We... We need to get out of here. OK?
Oh my God. Oh my God.
He... He said that something was wrong.
That... That something wasn't right,
but I never thought... Who would...?
Oh Jesus.
Poor Tom. Poor fucking Tom.
Ragsdale, we need to get out of here,
and we need to get out of here right now.
- Who the fuck is your friend?
So what? It's only Bob.
Fuck, he's got fangs.
Hey Bob!
Suck on this.
What do I do? What do I do?
Stake him.
Cease these fruitless theatrics, boy.
Jimmy is in trouble.
I recognise girly scream.
Mere muscle and brawn..
Will not stop these creatures
that dwell in the shadows
forever festering...
on the peripheral... waiting to strike.
So howwe gonna stop them?
There is...
only one way.
That... That was a...
That was afu...
- You can say it.
That was a fucking zombie.
- Close.
An Einstein, weren't it?
I mean, a fucking Frankenstein.
Dracula? Knew it.
That was a fucking Dracula.
We got to tell your boss-man about this.
I think that would be
an extraordinarily bad idea.
Why? Is he a Frankenstein as well?
I didn't just take this job
for the classy company
and cheery atmosphere.
This office belonged to a friend,
Dr Tom... Wallace.
He was convinced something wasn't right
with this place.
Prisoners dropping like flies
guards working all hours
with no signs of fatigue.
Dr Wallace was collecting hard evidence,
and then lo and behold, he went missing.
OK. I get it.
But let me ask you one thing:
Was ya banging him?
- For God's sake, Ragsdale.
He was a friend and a mentor.
No wonder he was paranoid
if he was fucking mental.
What? No. A mentor.
A men-tour.
Ain't that a breath mint?
Jesus Christ.
Are they for the front door?
- Wait.
Can you get me in the hole?
- Do you ever stop?
No. I mean solitary confinement.
- Oh. Sorry. Why?
Cos the guards reckon
they know the lay of the land, right?
But I've got a friend down there.
And he knows every nook and cranny.
What's a cranny?
- Fuck knows.
summon Dr Makepeace
into the Governor's office ASAP.
In fact, get our newest recruit to do it.
I think that would be the perfect surprise,
don't you?
Uh, yeah, about that...
- Spaghetti Dick!
Is that him? Spaghetti Dick!
No idea what that means.
Guys, listen. Shit is getting real
it's going down and it's hitting the fan.
- The big three.
This is my ex-girlfriend, Katie.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
What's a nine out often hottie
doing wearing a set of Harry Potter's?
Well it turns our she's super intelligent.
Like, she's even got one of them skeletons
in her office and it ain't even Halloween.
Anyway, you got to listen to her
because she reckons
we've got a serious case of the Draculas.
Why is he covered in blood?
You can listen to Dr Barbie
because she poured the bollock-naise
on your Spaghetti.
But we have everything in hand, my friend.
Mr Reeves, he is all-seeing.
Only he can stop prison menace.
- Yeah. He's got it all worked out, Jimbo.
Mr Reeves, is this true?
- Yes, my dear.
These manifested nightmares
are at every turn.
They are under the bunk,
they are in the bathroom sink
they are behind the curtains.
At first they were evasive, elusive,
but now, I have learnt to collect them
to imprison them, to store them.
The captive... has become... the captor.
Fascinating, but... how?
With this... magic device.
Ooh, I've got to catch them all.
Fuck. It's Pokemon.
Nice one. He's nuts.
Well done vodka bollocks.
Wait. No.
He is man of God.
Look. He has cross.
- What? This?
Oh, no, no. This is soap on a rope.
Yes, was a Christmas present.
Let's just keep looking.
We'll find something.
Find the doctor.
Do not harm her...
Yes, Ms Renfield.
Oh, and Albert, the inmates...
turn the strong and feed on the weak.
It's time to clean house.
Oh, we're fucked...
We're so fucking fucked.
Oh fuck!
Mr Reeves.
You've saved the day.
They're not Pikachu, Katie.
- We can call for help.
What the fuck is that?
- Come on, let's go.
Let's go. Let's get out of here.
Come on.
Come on. Dick.
Oh... howthe Governor...
has got plans... for you.
# Here comes the bride
# Neck ripped open wide... #
I only said I know my way
around this place.
If I knew how to escape,
do you think I'd still be here?
Come on, mate. You must have something
up your sleeves, Shifty.
Well, there was a place
where I used to hide my contraband.
I always wondered why the guards
never wanted to go in there.
Now I knowwhy.
Yeah, where is it?
The chapel.
Oh my God.
If these things are vampires
then they cannot set foot
on consecrated ground.
Once inside, we will be untouchable.
This place is in B block
on other side of compound
directly beneath the office of Governor.
We'll be dead before we get there.
Also, I hear this sector is frequented
by Greninja and Mandibuzz.
What if I could get my hands on a gun?
I am listening.
Renfield's office.
Where is it?
The next level.
Oh, fuck.
- We're fucked. We're so fucking fucked.
It's not good but it's worth a try.
Now, the quickest route
is via the stairs in the Ewing.
But that's definitely gonna be guarded.
So we're going to have to climb down
the disused shoot
which leads to the ventilation unit...
on the B block.
Now, once in the vent
we are gonna have to crawl for 150 feet
through the piping.
Beware of the fan.
Because if that baby fires up,
we are mince meat.
Once we've got out of the piping
we're gonna have to bypass
two alarmed doors
and... an attacking dog.
When we've gone through all of that
we're in Renfield's office.
Well, that was a lot easier
than I thought it would be.
Yes. No problem whatsoever.
Ah, nice one Shifty.
Uh, you do realise
that guns don't kill vampires, right?
Ragsdale, your file's here.
That's impossible. I've only just got here.
Plus, I'm only here for the weekend,
aren't I?
Ah, yeah. Good luck with that.
Uh, well it's here, clear as day
and all your details are present
except for one: your next of kin.
Ah yeah, that's cos I ain't got one.
You never told me that.
It's nothing to tell.
I did not know of this.
A thousand apologies
for speaking of your momma's...
How did you say?
Victor, mate, don't worry about it.
And I'm sorry
about calling you vodka bollocks.
you're telling me,
you have ended up in prison from hell
in middle of nowhere,
surrounded by never-ending wasteland
and you find ex-lover?
I could be shipwrecked on a desert island
a million miles from anyone
and I'd probably bump into some girl
I've had a go on.
He knows.
Uh... Uh, actually no.
I... I bat for the other side.
Bat? Other side?
He is vampire.
- Uh, Vi... Vi... Victor!
I'm gay.
Oh... Nice.
Oi, so you must be like
a kid in a candy store in here, ey?
No. Not really, I mean...
I don't really find...
rapists, murderers
and child molesters attractive.
Look, what are you doing 'ere anyway?
You just don't seem the type.
I raised funds for Save the Hedgehogs.
And I kept them.
What? The funds?
No. The hedgehogs.
See, Shifty's a prime example
in this place.
The punishment does not fit the crime.
And Jimmy, you're not the only one here...
No-one has a next of kin. No-one.
My parents, they abandoned me
when I came out.
My brother... is a drug-dealing arsonist.
He only has sex with ladies, so you know...
he's alright.
Mine are back in homeland.
Here, Victor is alone.
It's the same for all inmates
dating back to the year dot
and you're all AB negative.
Every single prisoner's blood type here
is AB negative.
Is coincidence.
It's the rarest blood type there is.
We're probably the tastiest.
You're all AB negative
and you're all loners.
No-one will notice you're gone.
- Bit harsh.
Jesus, they're covering their tracks.
This place isn't a prison;
it's a larder.
And you...
You're not prisoners.
What are we?
- You're breakfast, lunch...
and dinner.
Get in. Most important meal of the day.
Let them choke.
Talk about blood cells.
This isn't ideal.
But if everyone just remains calm
I'm sure there is somebody here,
who can help me.
Help me!
- Shh!
Help me! Somebody help...!
Shut up!
- Somebody, help me!
There's vampires in your prison!
Shut him up!
- Please help me!
Fuck it.
Meet at B block!
Tread lightly...
for it is here that I once saw
a Charizard stroking the tail of Mutu.
Dr Makepeace.
I think this'd be safer with you.
Oh shit.
Trust me to be in the group
with a fucking looney tune
instead of the one with the shooter.
Through here, into the boiler room
then B block.
Please, help me.
Brute? Brute?
I'm sorry, Chief Shifty.
Please, cut me down.
- Please Shifty.
I told you! Guns don't kill vampires!
Oh. Fuck it.
Oh fuck.
No. Wait!
Stop! Please!
Listen. No! Hell no! No!
What are you doing?
No! Please! Listen!
Ne, no! No!
Argh! No!
I can't see.
Oh fuck. Fuck. My glasses.
What are you doing?
Where's it coming from?
Is it coming for blood?
Oh, no, no, no. It's with us.
What is it?
- Noibat. No. It's Woobat. It's with us.
Come on.
Mr Reeves?
Mr Reeves?
Give me the girl,
and I'll kill you quick.
Stay back!
Fucking hell.
OK. Fuck.
His son, our lord
and in the power of the Holy Spirit
may you be a purified water
empowered to drive afar
all power of the enemy
in fact, to root out and banish
the enemy himself...
Come on.
Hey, Nigella. Here's dessert.
We should go! Come on!
What do they want with you?
What are you talking about Ragsdale?
Don't get me wrong, right.
I'd still give you one, but...
Nah, what I meant is
they're probably interested in you
on an intellectual level
cos you stimulate them
intellectually and that...
Seems Governor Payne
has pervy plans for me.
He thinks he'll gain eternal benefits
if I was to...
Well, give him one.
Look, what we gonna do
if they get between us
and the constipated land?
- They won't.
Listen, if we get through this...
Oi, I really want to sort this out.
Like... I'll do anything.
All I want you to do right now
is kill vampires.
You know how to do that right?
You either fuck 'em up in the head
or skewer their heart.
Just like you did to me.
Governor Payne
the vessel of purity
shall be within your grasp imminently.
I must prepare for her arrival.
Argh. Dammit.
Here, let me help ya.
No. I've got it.
Come on, let me help.
Jimmy, no.
But babe, you've hurt your hand.
- Get off me!
And don't babe me.
You need to straighten your head.
On the other side of this door,
is a straight dash at B block. OK?
Shifty better be waiting for us.
Look, it's been good fun working with ya,
Dr Makepeace.
See you on the other side, Jimmy.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
This way!
Oh, yes!
- Go.
- I'm not full anymore!
This is all your fault!
Shifty? Shifty? Shifty?
It's OK. I'm... I'm OK.
It was just a scratch.
Are you sure?
- Yeah.
Come on. Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Come on.
Jimmy. Get to the chapel!
Ah shit.
Liking the new look though.
The chapel is this way.
No, no. Shh.
This is Shifty. Trust me. Come on, come on.
Just come this way.
Wait! What's going... What's going on?
- Go, go. Shh.
You better run, Spaghetti Dick.
There's no point in running.
The prophecy is already underway.
The vessel of purity
shall be sucked upon!
At dawn, you'll find your kind
kneeling before us
in a pool of your children's blood.
The Governor is eternal.
We shall be eternal!
Shut the fuck up.
Oh no, Shifty. You alright, mate?
You alright?
It's horrible, Jimbo.
It's really horrible.
I can feel the evil creeping
through my bones.
I just want to go home
and eat my hedgehogs.
Oh no!
Katie? Where's Katie?
Is she downstairs?
She's in the chapel, right? Right?
- I... I... I sold out Katie.
I sold out poor Katie.
- What?
I couldn't help it. It's the Governor.
I keep hearing him in my head. In my hea...
You... You've got to stop him Jimbo.
He's going to hurt her,
and if he does...
they'll be unstoppable.
We'll be unstoppable.
Oh God.
You... You've got to kill me.
Jimbo, you've got to kill me.
You... You've got to kill me before...
- No. No, no, no.
Shifty, listen, mate. You're not evil.
You're Shifty.
I want to rip off your face
and wipe it on my blood-soaked arse.
OK, that's pretty fucking evil.
Do it. Do it.
- Wait.
Do it!
- I'm sorry, mate. I'm sorry.
Wait. Wait.
Oh my God.
- I held onto this for you.
Oh no.
For you.
Oh, Shifty.
I can't do it, mate.
I'm sorry. I can't do it, mate.
I can't.
I can't do it.
Sorry mate.
- Well you better have a long hard think
while I scoop out Katie's eyes
and push in her sku...
Ah, the smoke.
Ah, it's made me eyes water.
Goodbye Shifty, mate.
Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy!
What the fuck is this crazy shit?
You insignificant speck!
The fairest one has come to me...
on a hunter's moon.
This... is a gift...
from the darkest depths.
I must consummate my bond
with this unique bounty.
Ms Renfield
fetch the stone.
You're a fucking psycho.
Ms Renfield, hurry.
The bitch has claws.
What you've been doing
is revolting and sadistic.
Oh. Think of it
as a simple solution to...
prison overcrowding.
It is all inevitable.
Dark shall marry with light.
Sir, the mating ritual will commence.
- You what?
As the stone's glimmer transgresses
in the majestic crimson hue
of the hunter's moon.
This indicates...
the fairest one's true purity.
- Purity?
Sorry to be a party pooper,
you fucking lunatics
but I'm no virgin.
I went to medical school.
- Oh yes.
Oh, we'll see about that, child!
It doesn't make sense.
This should be red.
This should be red.
Doesn't make sense.
- Gutted.
Sir, we have... We have the purest vessel.
- What?
What does that mean?
Jimmy, you're a... You're a virgin?
What? Me? A virgin? Nah.
Don't be stupid. I've... loads of times.
The stone never lies.
You, Jimmy Ragsdale
you are the purest.
Nah, nah, nah.
Jimmy Ragsdale, a virgin?
My word.
Ah, don't tell anyone.
Um, what about Spain and...
Ping Pong Pat and... and the gonorrhoea?
A ping pong ball hit me in the eye.
That's howl got the gonorrhoea.
I didn't have the guts to tell the lads.
You know, I was embarrassed,
so I said that I...
Sir... Sir,
we have located the fairest one.
We have dreamed about this for an age.
Embrace your exquisite prize
and deflower it.
It's ludicrous.
He... looks nothing like my beloved.
So? That's got nothing to do with anything.
OK, she looks like your old floor scrubber
from Chicago.
People look like people.
I get Dwayne Johnson
mixed up with The Rock.
The plan's changed, Warden.
What happened to "It is inevitable.
It is my calling and mandatory"?
Please don't raise your voice...
- I will do as I wish, you coward.
I will not remain a prisoner of my prison
for another dawn.
I have longed... longed for this.
- Well, keep on longing.
There will be more virgins.
No, there won't.
Have you seen the internet?
It is the privilege and the prerogative
of the head vampire.
Good point.
You are mine, lover boy!
Stay away from him.
- He is all mine!
Don't get a boner. Don't get a boner!
Come on!
Ah, bingo!
I'm going to rock your world.
No, you're not.
I'm saving myself for someone special.
You cold?
- Katie!
Ha! Nice try, you stupid little girl.
You cannot stop me!
- No...
but I know someone who can.
Oh Christ.
Katie, wait.
- Jimmy?
Victor! Oh, mate!
You made it.
Good to see you alive and well.
Come with us. I can fix you up.
No. Victor goes alone now.
Who knows?
Maybe I make it home and see my Mishkov.
Is that his son?
That's his bear.
Hey, Victor.
You know you said
that you had no family?
Well you have now, mate.
Thank you, my friend.
Oh, and by the way, I did not kill 20 men.
In homeland
I'm investment banker.
Did you get bit?
I'm about to find out.
Come on!
Oh fuck.
Ah, come on, Shifty.
Give us some 'elp.
- Yeah!
Do you want a bite of me apple?
I'd rather pop your cherry.