Fangs (1974) Movie Script
- Here.
- Can we pet him?
- No.
No, he might bite you.
I just caught him
a couple hours ago.
You can touch him,
but that's all.
- You're doing more
than just touching him.
- That's different.
He knows that i'm
part snake myself.
There.
Now you touch him,
but gentle like.
Don't you hurt him now.
- Gosh, he's big.
You gonna try and
get me some mice next time?
- Don't you worry, snakey.
- You don't get me
some mice, you know,
my snakes is gonna be
suffering from a mouse famine.
Ronnie, get out of there!
- You got a snake in that car.
Can't we see him too?
- No, you can't!
- Why?
- I'll bet I let
you touch 100 snakes
since we been doing
business together.
Ain't that so?
- Yes sir, at least.
- Maybe more.
And you ain't never got bit?
And you ain't never
been scared very bad
since you first
worked up nerve enough
to touch your first rattler.
Have you?
- No, no sir.
- Nobody ever gets hurt
if he uses his head and listens.
And minds his own business.
- I bet it's a coral snake.
- It's a cobra.
I can tell by the way
that the sack moves.
- Now look here.
I don't want no guessing.
- I don't see why we
just can't look at him.
- I'll tell you why.
It's because he's a very
special kind of snake.
And he ain't got nothing
in common with little boys.
As a matter of fact, he
don't even like little boys.
- It's brother joy!
- All right, you
boys better scatter.
You don't want him
on your backs, too.
Now go on.
Get out of here.
I'll see you next Wednesday.
Scat!
- I see you're still
involving children
in your elicit trafficking
of god's little creatures.
- Well if them mice and lizards
is god's little creatures
what the hell do
you call my snakes?
- All serpents do the
work of the devil.
- Hmm.
Well mine happen to work for
the university of Chicago!
And they gotta eat!
- Perhaps they do.
But do you have to
compound your sin?
Must you tempt the
children of our community
with your blood money?
- Oh, horse feathers!
Their daddies are over
there in that auction barn
right now selling
god's big creatures!
Are they taking blood money?
- That's an
interesting comparison.
But misleading.
I wonder how many others might
be confused on that point.
Could make an illuminating
topic for my sermon next Sunday.
Perhaps if the
parents understood
the moral ramifications of
your unholy Wednesday dealings,
- then...
- Now you listen to me,
you sanctimonious
son of a bitch.
If you want to hang
onto your sundays,
you better pray to god
that nothing happens
to my wednesdays!
- Brother Palmer.
Brother Holden, how
good to see you.
As you recall, you asked me
to look you up on Wednesday,
and here I am.
- Darned if you
ain't, brother joy.
And it's the right day, too.
I can guarantee you,
it ain't Tuesday,
and it ain't Thursday,
'cause snakey bender is here,
and snakey bender is
Mr. Wednesday himself.
Did you know that?
- Yes, I am very much aware
of when Mr. Bender
comes to town.
- Hey, snakey!
- Hiya, Burt.
- How you doing?
- Holden, I'll be going if
it's all right with you.
- Oh, it's all
right with me, bud.
Look, you be sure and
get that water pump
at my house fixed tomorrow.
- Don't you worry none.
It'll be running just swell
by the time you get
back with your bride.
- Well.
Now you know.
Burt Holden's off to
the city tomorrow,
and he's bringing back a wife.
Guess there's no real reason
to keep that a secret.
- Well, congratulations
are certainly in order!
Nothing in this universe of ours
is more beautiful
than heaven's own
sublime state of matrimony.
- Oh by god, it's
getting deeper out here
than it is in the auction barn!
- Who is she?
A local girl?
- Oh no, she's more
of a central city.
Her name's Ivy.
To tell the truth, brother joy,
Ivy's kind of funny
about religious things.
We're just gonna do it over
there in the courthouse.
And then later, as
she gets to know you,
I will put her to
getting in the church.
- Bless your heart.
- Hey!
Snakey!
Hey, listen, snakey!
Listen!
- I'm listening.
- Have you been to
the post office yet?
- Nope.
- Well, there might
be a new album.
Going?
- Always have and always will.
- See you at the
house at eight, right?
- Right.
- Don't you be late now.
- I never have been,
and I never will be.
- That snake man and his
brood are becoming a problem.
- Yeah.
I think he's pretty
mad at me right now.
- You provide him with
a home on your ranch,
free of charge, I hear.
- Oh, he's lived on our old
homestead place for years,
ever since it burned and
I decided to move to town.
- I also hear he has your ranch
literally crawling
with serpents.
Don't do much for real
estate values, does it?
And it is unnatural,
brother Holden.
Unnatural.
- Not for snakey, it ain't.
He's perfectly
content, believe me.
As long as him and the
snakes have plenty to eat.
- That's just the
point, brother Holden.
He's using the children
of this community
to help him round up
helpless little animals
to throw to that pack of vipers!
Placing them children
in extreme moral
and physical danger!
You have to make him stop it!
- Whoa now, whoa brother joy.
I don't know if anybody can
make snakey bender do anything.
- At least talk to him, I,
I'd appreciate it.
Now.
About our own business
of the building fund
for the new church.
- Oh yes.
- Deacon barker tells
me that you intend
to fulfill your entire
$1500 pledge today.
- Yeah, got my check right here.
- Brother Holden,
I've been thinking.
Why don't you just hold onto
that check until tonight?
If yours is the first donation
at the building fund rally,
that should set a
marvelous example
for the rest of the
congregation to follow.
- I'm sorry, but
this is Wednesday.
I'm always busy on
Wednesday nights.
- Then I just have to tell them
that yours is the
first donation.
It'll still be a
marvelous example.
- Snakey bender, if
I catch you driving
on the wrong side of the
street one more time,
I'm gonna give you a ticket.
I don't care if
you do come to town
only one day a week.
- Okay, al.
- Is that all you got to
say about it, okay al?
- What the hell do
you want me to say?
I weren't breaking
the law on purpose.
That's the way I been
aiming at the post office
for a long time.
- Hot damn.
Here comes little old
miss peaches and cream.
- Now, sis.
You leave her alone.
She's mine.
- She's been yours
since last September
and all it got you was
a pain in the pants.
From now on, she's ours.
- My goodness, miss Williams,
you sure are carrying
a big load there for
such a little lady.
- Just put it here
by the cash register.
That's right.
Just leave them
there until you get
all through with your shopping.
- Thank you.
- My, I just don't
know how you do it,
staying so fresh and pretty
after a full day with all
them yelling youngins.
- Oh, it's not all that bad.
Besides, I'm used
to the children.
Thank you.
Oh.
What?
Oh, oh!
- You have to spank
any of them today?
- Oh, Mr. Palmer, we teachers
don't spank much anymore.
Things have changed
since you were in school.
- Boy, you can say that again.
- I can remember my
teacher really blistering
some of them boys.
- Oh?
- Yeah, I got a couple
of belts myself.
Once, she almost broke her hand
when she tried to hit my...
- Oh!
- Oh!
- Oh!
- Oh, oh!
I am so sorry.
- Okay, it's okay.
Would you like a sody pop?
- Oh, yes.
I mean, that would be wonderful.
If it's not too much trouble.
- Oh, it's no trouble.
And you call me bud.
- Yeah, get one for all of us.
Oh, say, how about some cookies?
- Oh, I don't know
if I should take time
for both, Ms. Palmer.
- Sis.
- Sis.
Cynthia?
Why yes,
how did you know?
- Oh, I got ways and means.
- Oh.
- Tell me, how do
you spell that?
S-i-n?
- No, no.
C-y-n.
S-i-n.
Oh, that's very clever.
I never thought of that before.
Sin.
- Maybe you ought to
think about it more often.
Oh say, why don't we
go right next door
to our house where we
can relax and enjoy this?
- Oh, do you live
right next door?
- Yeah, and we got
bedrooms and everything.
- Oh, well I don't
think I should...
- Oh now listen, Cynthia.
We can't leave the store
closed but a minute,
and we can't drink these here.
It's against the
law, or something.
We can go right
out the back door.
- Well, just for one moment.
- Now you let me just take
these off your little hands.
Here we go.
- Hey, sis.
Where in thunder you
hiding the pork and beans?
- Oh!
Mr. Bender, I'm so
glad to see you.
I want to show you something.
- You stupid!
- I locked it, honest
sis, I locked it!
- The children were simply
thrilled with your visit
last week, and the
snakes you showed them,
well, they haven't stopped
talking about them all week.
Here, Mr. Bender.
This is for you.
They asked me to make
you read it out loud.
- Let me go pitch his head off.
- No, she's too much a
lady to hang around now.
- Dear Mr. Snakey bender.
We thank you very much
for coming to our school
and telling us all about snakes.
- Oh, she'll be back.
- We learned a lot, and we
hope you will come back soon.
We wanna know more
about your snakes.
Yours truly, the
fourth grade class.
- They wrote it
all by themselves.
I didn't correct one word.
- Well, you tell them
I really appreciate it.
I will.
- Come on, the least we
can do is act friendly.
- They told me to
tell you they hope,
we all hope, you'll
come back real soon.
I almost forgot my root beer.
I really don't
think I'll have time
to finish it all, though.
- You come back again, Cynthia,
whenever you get the time.
- Thank you, sis.
I really do have to get home.
Grade school teachers
never have a minute's rest.
- Well I'll be dogged.
They have all kinds
of pork and beans.
How come you moved 'em?
Thank you, bud.
I reckon I'll take a few
extra cans this week.
Uh-uh.
Put 'em on my tab, bud.
- Uh-uh.
No more credit.
You already owe us for two
months' groceries as it is.
And you owe sis five bucks
for putting two shipments
of snakes on the express truck.
- I ought to let bud
pop your head off
like he does them slithering,
slimy snake friends of yours.
Except you ain't got enough
tail to get a hold of.
- I'll pay you next Wednesday.
- Don't give him no
more credit, sis.
- Sack the groceries.
Take a couple of taffies.
They're on the house.
- No thank you.
- Oh, go on.
They're free.
I give them to all my customers.
Get out there, get out
there, get out there.
- Well, what's the
matter, snakey?
Don't you like my Taffy?
If you had the time
and always burden my dreams
I need them done
I need you my dear
I know that
lord you been
preaching so long
that a print on your arm
is priceless
if one could be found
Well you can go
- hey al.
Can you kick it up a little bit?
This illusion's still strong
in your mind
My dear
Hey al.
- Left right, left right,
left right, left right,
left right, left right,
left right, left right!
Left right, left
right, left right,
left right, left
right, left right!
- Man!
- That "stars and
stripes forever"
is just plum inspirational!
Makes a man wanna grab a
gun and start marching!
Yeah!
Well, if you think that's good,
you shoulda heard John
Philip sousa himself.
- Yeah, you told me
you heard him once!
- Yeah.
- But go on, tell it again!
- Well.
It was back in 1928, in a
real big auditorium back east.
And that place was
packed with people.
Well, sousa and his boys
was playing all the
very best marches,
like "the thunderer",
and "El capitan",
and "semper fidelis", and
"the daughters of Texas"!
Well, it wasn't till the
very last of that program
that he played "the stars
and stripes forever",
which, of course, is his
very best composition.
The first time through, they
played it in a normal manner,
but the second time, wowee!
While the drums was booming,
the flutes and the
piccolos and the coronets
and the trumpets, they
all marched right down
to the front of the
stage, and they line up,
military like, and man!
That whole band,
they all cut loose!
Well!
That audience say, including me,
they got to their
foot, just like sousa
was playing "the
star spangled banner"
instead of "the stars
and stripes forever",
and when that number was ended,
the audience and me,
we was on our feet,
and you never heard such
clapping and cheering and stomping!
I thought that noise
was gonna bring
the roof down on our heads.
But I didn't care none.
I was making just as much
noise as everybody else!
- Oh, I sure wish I coulda
been there to see that!
- This record's got one whole
side of sousa's marches.
"Corcoran cadets", "hands
across the sea", "thunderer",
and "semper fidelis".
- Look, snakey.
I gotta be hitting the
sack if I'm gonna get up
early in the morning.
- You mean you're gonna marry
that little dancing girl?
- That's what I said, wasn't it?
- Burt.
Have you gone and forgotten
what happened to you
last time you got
mixed up with a woman?
You're still paying a
whopping big sum of money
every month for that mistake.
- Well, that won't
happen with Ivy.
Now believe me, this girl
is a real little honey.
And boy howdy, has
she got a build.
Just wait till you meet her.
She's got talent, too.
Why, I can sit and watch
her dance all night long.
She makes 200 a
week in that club.
- Well, then I reckon
we aren't gonna have
no concert here next
Wednesday night.
- Why?
You gonna get sick or something?
Somebody gonna steal my stereo?
- Well shucks, you with
a new wife and all.
I figures...
- Oh, snakey, you ain't
nothing but an old worrywart.
Now look, how many times
we missed our band concerts
in the past few years?
- Not once.
- But...
- But what?
I'll tell you but what.
You just be here next Wednesday
night at eight, mister.
You hear?
It wouldn't mean a thing
if they didn't come from you
all the things you do to me
are the ones that
thank god most
it's the little
things that matter
the little things
that make me gladder
that when I'm alive
living and loving you
it's all the little
things I love
that makes me love you
- What are you doing
here this early?
I told you never to
come here this early.
- Well, it couldn't be helped.
Burt and me didn't have
much of a concert tonight.
- Well you could have
waited a while longer.
- Well, let's go on in.
Lucifer is getting
a bit anxious.
Snakey,
please give him to me.
Oh.
Oh.
- See you next
Wednesday, miss Williams.
- Hiya, Cynthia.
- Howdy, Cynthia.
- Bet you're
surprised to see us.
- Why yes, I am a little.
- Well, bud and me
thought it was high time
we paid you a little visit,
so here we are.
- That was very nice of you,
but isn't it sort
of late, I mean?
- We was here earlier, but
we didn't want to bust in
on your other company.
- Other company?
Oh my goodness.
- Now bud, you shouldn't
have said that.
You're frightening
our little bird.
Now don't you worry
none, Cynthia.
Bud and me know how
to keep a secret.
- Darn right, we do.
- But you're taking a chance.
If them prudes on the
school board find out
that you're carrying on with
the likes of snakey bender,
they could cause
you some trouble.
- Oh, but it isn't what
you think, I mean...
- Shh.
You don't have to explain
anything to us, Cynthia.
At least not now, anyways.
No.
After you, Cynthia.
- The boys show up yet?
- They'll be here.
Don't you worry none.
They'll be here.
- I don't think
so, brother bender.
I don't think so.
You see, they have no real
reason to see you now,
since they released
their little animals.
In fact, they will probably
experience a temporary
sense of betrayal, and
would therefore suffer shame
in your presence.
Ah, but isn't that infinitely
better than suffering shame
in the presence of god?
- I told you to leave
my wednesdays alone.
Now what'd you tell them boys?
- Nothing.
I simply stood by and
witnessed with approval
as miss Williams
enlightened them.
- That's a lie.
She loves snakes
as much as I do.
- Maybe more?
Nevertheless, she
found it in her heart,
and her own best interest,
to do god's bidding.
The truth is that she
spoke to the children.
I said not word one to 'em.
- You did his
dirty work for him?
- No, I didn't!
I mean, I didn't want to.
He told me he was gonna
go to the school board.
- Oh.
Okay.
Okay.
I gotta figure out some
way to feed my snakes.
They've gotta have live food.
Don't you be surprised
none if I'm late tonight.
- Snakey?
Don't come to my house tonight.
There won't be any
more Wednesday nights.
- What the hell's
wrong with you?
What about you and
me and my snakes?
- I want Lucifer.
I'll buy him from you.
I'll pay you whatever you ask.
- What about you, and me?
- You thought that,
how could you possibly think
there was something between us?
I mean, something really?
Snakey, I can't believe
that you would think
there was something between us.
- By god!
You women are all liars!
You're all willing
to buy or sell love
just as soon as somebody
drops his pants,
and when the going gets
rough, you're onto the bushes,
and leave the man behind,
looking like a damn fool!
There ain't one of
you can be trusted!
That's why no man
ever ought to get
himself married.
Not me, not Burt, nobody!
And Lucifer ain't for sale.
- I swear, you're the
sneakiest man I've ever seen.
One of these days
I'm gonna SWAT you
for popping up out of nowhere.
- I want to pay up
my bill in full.
- Well.
Ain't you gonna stock
up on some groceries
before you pay up?
I ain't
trading here no more.
- Well, now what do you
think about that, bud?
- I say good riddance.
- Well now that just shows you
how different a brother
and sister can be.
Now as for me, I
appreciate your business.
Why, I wouldn't dream
of letting you shop
anywhere else for
your groceries.
How
you gonna stop me?
- Easy, that's how.
Bud and I know all about you
and that little schoolteacher.
And I mean all.
I can guarantee you, she'll
back our story to the hilt.
She's on our side now.
Not yours.
- I don't know what
you're talking about.
- Oh, don't be coy, snakey.
- You're crazy if you
think you can force me
to trade here, sis Palmer.
- That's exactly
what I wanna do.
You got yourself in a
corner, Mr. Snake man.
And I ain't about
to let you get out.
- Hey snakey, there's
a friend of yours
crawling out of your car, there.
Oh no you don't.
Hey sis, come here!
Got him!
You go do that one thing
you're good at, boy.
- He's all yours now, snakey.
- See you next Wednesday, hear?
Good boy.
- I'm Jim bender.
I'm a friend of Burt's.
- Oh.
Um, Burt's taking
his bath right now.
I'm Mrs. Holden.
But if you're a
friend of Burt's,
I guess you ought
to call me Ivy.
Burt, Jim bender
here to see you.
- Snakey.
- Excuse me?
- Snakey.
Folks round here call me snakey.
- Oh, yes.
Of course.
I remember now.
You catch snakes for a living,
and you and Burt listen
to band music together.
- Yes, ma'am.
We have a band concert
every Wednesday night.
- And tonight is
Wednesday night.
- Yeah.
- Burt!
Where are you?
You got company.
Well now looky here, Mr. Bender.
I think we're gonna
have a problem.
- You see these
speakers on the wall?
They make you feel
like you're right
in the middle of the band!
- Yeah, I'll bet.
- Oh, Burt and me has
had some high old times
right here in this room.
- Like I said, snakey.
I think we're gonna
have a problem.
Married life isn't like
single life, you know?
Burt's gonna have to
make some changes.
- Did Burt say that?
- No, but I'm sure
he'll see it my way.
- Why are you interfering
with our Wednesday nights?
Ain't none of your affair.
- This is my house
now as much as Burt's.
You have no right...
I do have a right!
Wednesday night is my night.
And Burt's.
Now you listen to
me, you're nothing
but an outsider, a newcomer.
You be careful when you
start talking about changes.
- Burt?
Burt!
Where are you?
Get on in here.
- Hey, snakey!
Hey, good to see you!
- Howdy, Burt.
- Well, how do you like her?
She's a little old
honey, isn't she?
Ivy, this is snakey bender.
The fellow I was
telling you all about.
- Oh you silly, he
introduced himself.
How do you think I
was able to tell you
who was calling, huh?
- Well, we're gonna have a
lively concert in here tonight.
- What's that?
- Well, it's
Wednesday night, Burt.
- Well, I know it's
Wednesday night,
but look snakey, we've been
married for less than a week,
and well, we kinda
already had something
planned for tonight.
- Burt, we ain't missed
a concert in years.
- Well, it won't hurt us
to miss this once, will it?
Probably do us good.
And besides, look, we're
leaving tomorrow for Mexico.
Going down there for
a little honeymoon.
- How long you gonna be gone?
- I don't know, about
two, maybe three weeks.
- And you won't be here
next Wednesday night?
And maybe not even the next?
And maybe not even
three weeks from now?
- Now look, snakey.
You quit acting
like a little child.
Now that band concert just ain't
all that godawful important.
- Snakey?
Ho, snake!
Morning, snakey.
- Howdy, Burt.
- Bud went over to central
city to pick up some stuff,
so I come out here
to do the feeding.
- I thought you was
leaving today for Mexico.
- Look, snakey.
The real reason I come out here
was to see you.
- Oh, you don't have to
apologize to me, Burt.
You just got married.
When you come back from Mexico,
we can start right back just
like nothing ever happened.
- You don't understand.
I have a wife to think of now...
- Yeah, of course you do.
And there ain't no reason
why the three of us
can't attend our
concerts instead of two.
I've always heard,
the bigger the crowd,
the better the music.
What do you got there?
Can I give you a hand?
- Snakey.
There won't be anymore
Wednesday night concerts.
- I don't guess I do understand.
- Snakey, it's Ivy.
You gotta give young
girls special attention.
Sort of full time
attention, in fact.
- I can't believe it's
Burt Holden speaking.
Ain't you ever gonna have
a mind of your own anymore?
- Look, snakey.
I'm giving you all
this stuff here.
All the stereo components.
Speaker, turntable,
amplifiers, everything.
Records and all.
- Aw, that damn dancing girl!
You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
- You better watch what you
say about my wife, mister!
- I knew she was gonna
make trouble for us.
I could see the way she was
acting with you last night,
wriggling around,
dropping her clothes.
- You spied on me?
- You ought to keep
your eyes open!
She's just trying to
take you, that's all!
She's a gold digger!
Just a selfish
little gold digger!
- You can't talk like that!
You ungrateful old fool!
I ought to kick
you off this place!
Well those Wednesday
night concerts
would have never gotten
started in the first place
if it wasn't for my generosity!
Well don't you expect me
to be generous anymore!
Find out all about you
and that little schoolteacher.
And I mean all.
And I can guarantee you,
she'll back our story
to the hilt.
She's on our side now.
Not yours.
Don't
come to my house tonight.
There won't be any
more Wednesday nights.
I simply stood by
and witnessed with approval
as miss Williams
enlightened them.
What
are you doing here this early?
I told you never to
come here this early!
What's
the matter, snakey?
Don't you like the ranch?
I ought to let bud
pop your head off
like he does them slithering,
slimy snake friends of yours.
All
serpents work for the devil.
- Where's my husband?
He was supposed to
be here hours ago.
- Well, he's out at the ranch.
He sent me in after you.
- Burt sent you after me?
- Yeah, the chores he had to do
turned out to be more
than he expected.
- Well what does he want me for?
To hold a flashlight
while he ropes a steer?
- I don't know what
he wants you for.
But he's gonna be awful
mad if you don't show up.
- He's gonna be mad?
I am the one who's mad.
We were supposed to have left
on our honeymoon hours ago.
- Are you coming or not?
- Oh, I don't know why
I should, but I will.
What do you think you're
doing with those suitcases?
- He told me to
bring them along.
Maybe you're leaving for
Mexico from the ranch.
- Where's Burt?
Where is he?
What is going on here anyway?
- Don't bother to look for him.
He's dead.
You turned him against me.
Now you shouldn't ought
to have done that.
I warned you not to interfere
with our Wednesday
night concerts.
Now you come along with me.
- No!
- Wait a minute...
- Let me go!
- Help!
- Come on!
- Help!
- Give me your hand!
Go on, get up.
Get up!
Come on.
You stay there.
Follow me.
Get up.
Now you stay there.
Come on.
Get in there.
- No, please.
I don't...
- Hurry up!
Or I'll throw you
down the ladder!
Get down there.
- What are you gonna do with me?
- I'm gonna teach you a
thing or two about suffering.
Now get!
- What you doing here?
How dare you come into my
house without knocking?
You get out of here!
Get out!
- I'm getting out.
But you're going with me.
Brother joy, I walked all
the way into town to see you,
just so you could
have the pleasure
of driving me back home.
You just stay put.
I want you to rub it
all over yourself.
Your arms, your legs.
Your chest.
Come on, on your shins.
That's enough.
So, you're a little hungry, huh?
This here cottonmouth,
he ain't ate for
three weeks now.
Now, brother joy.
You committed a pretty bad
crime against my snakes
when you cut off
their food supply.
- Brother bender,
as god as my judge...
- I don't need his help.
Already judged you myself,
and you're guilty as hell.
What we're discussing
here is your punishment.
- Brother bender, snakey,
I'll do anything.
Only don't kill me.
- You're wasting
your breath on me.
The boy you ought to be
talking to is right here.
Mr. Cottonmouth himself.
Because he's gonna be a
combination jury and executioner.
And if he decides
to let you go free,
then I'll let you live,
but it's all up to him.
That's why I had you rub
the fish all over yourself,
to help him make up his mind.
You see, a cottonmouth,
he'll strike at anything
that smells a little fishy.
- Oh my god.
Please, god!
- Well, I don't know.
You may be able to get
god to intercede for you,
but it don't hardly
seem possible.
Seeing as how he's the
one who gave this snake
his appetite for fish
in the first place!
You better stay put.
Movement makes him nervous.
- No!
Don't!
Forgive me, god.
- No!
Mrs. Holden!
What are you doing in there?
- Would you help me, please?
Get me out of here?
Hurry!
- Well hi, snakey.
- Sure glad you're here, bud.
You saved me the trouble
of coming to get you.
Bud.
This ought to be a
real picnic for you.
All you gotta do
is snatch 'em up
before they coil, and
pop their heads off.
Open your eyes, girl!
- Oh god!
No!
- Hello?
What are you doing calling me?
I told you the other day, I...
- No, I won't come
in there no more.
Don't you worry about that.
But that ain't no reason
why you can't come out here
to the ranch.
- No, I couldn't.
- Well, you always wanted to
see my whole snake collection.
This here's your chance.
- I shouldn't.
Hundred?
Hundred?
No, I can't.
I tell you, I absolutely can't.
Snakey?
Snakey?
- I see you're already
enjoying my friends.
- Oh snakey, they're
just beautiful.
And there's so many.
But where's Lucifer?
- Forget Lucifer.
- I hope you aren't
angry with me anymore.
You must understand,
I didn't want to make
the boys turn their
animals loose,
and the other things I said, I...
- We ain't gonna
talk about that now.
Now, how do you want
to get acquainted
with my other snakes?
Maybe several of
them at one time?
- Could I?
- Yeah.
- Oh!
My goodness.
- This here's the king
snake you was admiring.
Now this species
is the prettiest
and the gentlest of all snakes.
Gentlest, that is, where
human beings are concerned.
But he's a cannibal
with other snakes.
- Oh.
Put that naughty little
boy around my neck.
- I got you a bull snake here.
Now they get pretty big,
and he makes quite a
show with his hissing.
- Oh!
Ooh!
- Now here I got you a big boa.
He's pretty strong.
And he likes to squeeze things.
- Oh baby!
Oh!
Oh!
- This one here's a longnose.
He likes to burrow.
- Oh, my lovely darlings!
Oh!
Oh!
My precious little boys!
Oh!
- Miss Williams.
Miss Williams?
I got another snake for you.
- Oh, please.
Give him to me.
- I don't know.
This is copperhead.
It ain't like the others.
It's very, very poisonous.
- Oh, give him to me!
- Oh, okay.
If you insist.
- Give him to me.
- I'm looking for that damn
no-count brother of mine.
He's disappeared, and so
has the crazy schoolteacher.
- Is that right?
- Probably shacked up somewhere.
Damn that Billy goat!
What about the cabin
down by the crick?
He used to take that creepy
Milly bass down there.
- They ain't at the cabin.
But I happen to
know where they are.
There ain't no reason
why you can't join them.
Where they are, nobody'll mind
if you and bud
and a few snakes
share the same woman.
Sis.
Each one of these here
barrels has got a snake in it
but only one of them
snakes is poisonous.
Now what we got here
is three bull snakes,
and one coral snake.
Now they're all untamed
and they're all nervous,
and they're all biters
when they're that way.
But only the coral
snake will kill ya.
Now, what you gotta do
is pick out of the three barrels
with the harmless snakes.
And we'll forget the fourth one.
That fair enough?
Pick out your first barrel, sis.
All right, then
I'll do it for you!
- No!
No, no, no, no.
I'll do it.
The second one.
- To the right?
- No.
No, from the left.
- Bull snake.
What's the second choice?
- The first one.
- Another bull snake.
What's your last choice?
- The fourth.
Oh god!
Oh no, that was the coral snake!
No, not the coral snakes!
- Sis.
The last laugh is on you.
All four of them barrels
got coral snakes in them.
- You dirty son of!
- Well now.
You sure did bring the most
mice this time, Malcolm.
- Told you I would.
- Yeah.
I like a man who keeps his word.
Say, now miss Williams has
run off with bud Palmer,
who's your new schoolteacher?
- My mom is.
- Uh-huh.
There.
Now, let's see.
That's four mice
and three birds.
That's 35 cents
for you, Malcolm.
And I thank you.
Okay, that's all for today
and I reckon I'll see you here
next Wednesday, right boys?
- You can depend on us
from now on, snakey.
Bye, snakey.
- So long.
Don't forget, next Wednesday.
- Don't you worry now.
I'll put these snakes on
express truck in the morning.
- Well, I think I ought
to pay you something
for your troubles.
- No, no, no, no.
You just buy your
groceries and gas here.
I'm happy to do this
little service for you.
Jimmy
tiner, central city feed store
now gives you, free of charge,
that purty little song,
"are you lonely tonight?"
You
looking for something?
- You're damn right i'm
looking for something.
You.
Now I know you're not the
richest man in the county,
but you've got to
be taught a lesson.
You've got to realize
that it's mighty easy
to kill somebody.
You have no idea how
nervous it makes me
to give somebody a ticket,
but that's what
the job calls for.
And doggone it, i'm
gonna do my duty.
Hey, I suppose you
heard about Palmer
and the schoolteacher
taking off together?
- Yeah, they was talking
about it in town today.
- Boy, with a rear
end like hers,
she coulda hooked
somebody with some brains.
What's your middle
initial, snakey?
- W.
- You know, that's
one of the nice things
about this job.
You get to know some mighty
interesting things about people.
Now you take that preacher.
Not many folks knew that he was
tapping the church
building fund.
- Did you know about
that all along?
- Hell no.
It ain't right to
suspect a preacher.
What's your license number?
- How the hell would I know?
- Oh, that's all right.
Don't bother.
Being tall comes
in handy sometimes.
Z-a-m-0-4-1.
Z-a-m-0-4-1.
Z-a-m-0-4-1.
Now you take sis Palmer.
There's no telling
what wild hare she got
that made her take off
and leave the store
all locked up.
- Probably off looking
for bud and that teacher.
- Why the hell couldn't
I have thought of that?
Z-a-m-0,
oh, damn it.
Z-a-m-0-4-1.
Z-a-m-0-4
you know, by the time
Burt and his wife get back
there might not be
anybody left in town.
That'd make you wonder,
if you was using
the wrong kind of soap.
Z-a-m-0...
- 0-4-1.
- Thanks.
0-4-1.
All right.
Well.
I'll see you in
town next Wednesday.
- You ain't exactly my
idea of a companion.
I don't even like you.
But my Wednesday
nights ain't ever gonna
be right again without somebody.
Now.
You're gonna learn all about
band music and snakes.
In no time at all.
- You mean you
aren't gonna kill me?
- Just a matter of learning.
Seeing as how I know all
about band music and snakes,
all you gotta do
is pay attention.
Now.
Naturally, we'll start
with John Philip sousa,
the greatest composer and
musician who ever lived.
Yes!
Oh, you shoulda heard him
play this number in person!
Well I did!
Back in 1928, in a real
big auditorium back east.
And that place was
packed with people.
Now, sousa and his boys,
they played all
his best marches.
"The thunderer", "semper
fidelis", "El capitan",
and "daughters of Texas".
But it weren't till
the end of the program
that he played "the stars
and stripes forever"
which of course is his
very best composition.
Now, the first time through,
they played it in
a normal manner.
But the second time, while
them drums was pulling,
the flutes and the piccolos,
and the coronets,
and the trombone...
- Can we pet him?
- No.
No, he might bite you.
I just caught him
a couple hours ago.
You can touch him,
but that's all.
- You're doing more
than just touching him.
- That's different.
He knows that i'm
part snake myself.
There.
Now you touch him,
but gentle like.
Don't you hurt him now.
- Gosh, he's big.
You gonna try and
get me some mice next time?
- Don't you worry, snakey.
- You don't get me
some mice, you know,
my snakes is gonna be
suffering from a mouse famine.
Ronnie, get out of there!
- You got a snake in that car.
Can't we see him too?
- No, you can't!
- Why?
- I'll bet I let
you touch 100 snakes
since we been doing
business together.
Ain't that so?
- Yes sir, at least.
- Maybe more.
And you ain't never got bit?
And you ain't never
been scared very bad
since you first
worked up nerve enough
to touch your first rattler.
Have you?
- No, no sir.
- Nobody ever gets hurt
if he uses his head and listens.
And minds his own business.
- I bet it's a coral snake.
- It's a cobra.
I can tell by the way
that the sack moves.
- Now look here.
I don't want no guessing.
- I don't see why we
just can't look at him.
- I'll tell you why.
It's because he's a very
special kind of snake.
And he ain't got nothing
in common with little boys.
As a matter of fact, he
don't even like little boys.
- It's brother joy!
- All right, you
boys better scatter.
You don't want him
on your backs, too.
Now go on.
Get out of here.
I'll see you next Wednesday.
Scat!
- I see you're still
involving children
in your elicit trafficking
of god's little creatures.
- Well if them mice and lizards
is god's little creatures
what the hell do
you call my snakes?
- All serpents do the
work of the devil.
- Hmm.
Well mine happen to work for
the university of Chicago!
And they gotta eat!
- Perhaps they do.
But do you have to
compound your sin?
Must you tempt the
children of our community
with your blood money?
- Oh, horse feathers!
Their daddies are over
there in that auction barn
right now selling
god's big creatures!
Are they taking blood money?
- That's an
interesting comparison.
But misleading.
I wonder how many others might
be confused on that point.
Could make an illuminating
topic for my sermon next Sunday.
Perhaps if the
parents understood
the moral ramifications of
your unholy Wednesday dealings,
- then...
- Now you listen to me,
you sanctimonious
son of a bitch.
If you want to hang
onto your sundays,
you better pray to god
that nothing happens
to my wednesdays!
- Brother Palmer.
Brother Holden, how
good to see you.
As you recall, you asked me
to look you up on Wednesday,
and here I am.
- Darned if you
ain't, brother joy.
And it's the right day, too.
I can guarantee you,
it ain't Tuesday,
and it ain't Thursday,
'cause snakey bender is here,
and snakey bender is
Mr. Wednesday himself.
Did you know that?
- Yes, I am very much aware
of when Mr. Bender
comes to town.
- Hey, snakey!
- Hiya, Burt.
- How you doing?
- Holden, I'll be going if
it's all right with you.
- Oh, it's all
right with me, bud.
Look, you be sure and
get that water pump
at my house fixed tomorrow.
- Don't you worry none.
It'll be running just swell
by the time you get
back with your bride.
- Well.
Now you know.
Burt Holden's off to
the city tomorrow,
and he's bringing back a wife.
Guess there's no real reason
to keep that a secret.
- Well, congratulations
are certainly in order!
Nothing in this universe of ours
is more beautiful
than heaven's own
sublime state of matrimony.
- Oh by god, it's
getting deeper out here
than it is in the auction barn!
- Who is she?
A local girl?
- Oh no, she's more
of a central city.
Her name's Ivy.
To tell the truth, brother joy,
Ivy's kind of funny
about religious things.
We're just gonna do it over
there in the courthouse.
And then later, as
she gets to know you,
I will put her to
getting in the church.
- Bless your heart.
- Hey!
Snakey!
Hey, listen, snakey!
Listen!
- I'm listening.
- Have you been to
the post office yet?
- Nope.
- Well, there might
be a new album.
Going?
- Always have and always will.
- See you at the
house at eight, right?
- Right.
- Don't you be late now.
- I never have been,
and I never will be.
- That snake man and his
brood are becoming a problem.
- Yeah.
I think he's pretty
mad at me right now.
- You provide him with
a home on your ranch,
free of charge, I hear.
- Oh, he's lived on our old
homestead place for years,
ever since it burned and
I decided to move to town.
- I also hear he has your ranch
literally crawling
with serpents.
Don't do much for real
estate values, does it?
And it is unnatural,
brother Holden.
Unnatural.
- Not for snakey, it ain't.
He's perfectly
content, believe me.
As long as him and the
snakes have plenty to eat.
- That's just the
point, brother Holden.
He's using the children
of this community
to help him round up
helpless little animals
to throw to that pack of vipers!
Placing them children
in extreme moral
and physical danger!
You have to make him stop it!
- Whoa now, whoa brother joy.
I don't know if anybody can
make snakey bender do anything.
- At least talk to him, I,
I'd appreciate it.
Now.
About our own business
of the building fund
for the new church.
- Oh yes.
- Deacon barker tells
me that you intend
to fulfill your entire
$1500 pledge today.
- Yeah, got my check right here.
- Brother Holden,
I've been thinking.
Why don't you just hold onto
that check until tonight?
If yours is the first donation
at the building fund rally,
that should set a
marvelous example
for the rest of the
congregation to follow.
- I'm sorry, but
this is Wednesday.
I'm always busy on
Wednesday nights.
- Then I just have to tell them
that yours is the
first donation.
It'll still be a
marvelous example.
- Snakey bender, if
I catch you driving
on the wrong side of the
street one more time,
I'm gonna give you a ticket.
I don't care if
you do come to town
only one day a week.
- Okay, al.
- Is that all you got to
say about it, okay al?
- What the hell do
you want me to say?
I weren't breaking
the law on purpose.
That's the way I been
aiming at the post office
for a long time.
- Hot damn.
Here comes little old
miss peaches and cream.
- Now, sis.
You leave her alone.
She's mine.
- She's been yours
since last September
and all it got you was
a pain in the pants.
From now on, she's ours.
- My goodness, miss Williams,
you sure are carrying
a big load there for
such a little lady.
- Just put it here
by the cash register.
That's right.
Just leave them
there until you get
all through with your shopping.
- Thank you.
- My, I just don't
know how you do it,
staying so fresh and pretty
after a full day with all
them yelling youngins.
- Oh, it's not all that bad.
Besides, I'm used
to the children.
Thank you.
Oh.
What?
Oh, oh!
- You have to spank
any of them today?
- Oh, Mr. Palmer, we teachers
don't spank much anymore.
Things have changed
since you were in school.
- Boy, you can say that again.
- I can remember my
teacher really blistering
some of them boys.
- Oh?
- Yeah, I got a couple
of belts myself.
Once, she almost broke her hand
when she tried to hit my...
- Oh!
- Oh!
- Oh!
- Oh, oh!
I am so sorry.
- Okay, it's okay.
Would you like a sody pop?
- Oh, yes.
I mean, that would be wonderful.
If it's not too much trouble.
- Oh, it's no trouble.
And you call me bud.
- Yeah, get one for all of us.
Oh, say, how about some cookies?
- Oh, I don't know
if I should take time
for both, Ms. Palmer.
- Sis.
- Sis.
Cynthia?
Why yes,
how did you know?
- Oh, I got ways and means.
- Oh.
- Tell me, how do
you spell that?
S-i-n?
- No, no.
C-y-n.
S-i-n.
Oh, that's very clever.
I never thought of that before.
Sin.
- Maybe you ought to
think about it more often.
Oh say, why don't we
go right next door
to our house where we
can relax and enjoy this?
- Oh, do you live
right next door?
- Yeah, and we got
bedrooms and everything.
- Oh, well I don't
think I should...
- Oh now listen, Cynthia.
We can't leave the store
closed but a minute,
and we can't drink these here.
It's against the
law, or something.
We can go right
out the back door.
- Well, just for one moment.
- Now you let me just take
these off your little hands.
Here we go.
- Hey, sis.
Where in thunder you
hiding the pork and beans?
- Oh!
Mr. Bender, I'm so
glad to see you.
I want to show you something.
- You stupid!
- I locked it, honest
sis, I locked it!
- The children were simply
thrilled with your visit
last week, and the
snakes you showed them,
well, they haven't stopped
talking about them all week.
Here, Mr. Bender.
This is for you.
They asked me to make
you read it out loud.
- Let me go pitch his head off.
- No, she's too much a
lady to hang around now.
- Dear Mr. Snakey bender.
We thank you very much
for coming to our school
and telling us all about snakes.
- Oh, she'll be back.
- We learned a lot, and we
hope you will come back soon.
We wanna know more
about your snakes.
Yours truly, the
fourth grade class.
- They wrote it
all by themselves.
I didn't correct one word.
- Well, you tell them
I really appreciate it.
I will.
- Come on, the least we
can do is act friendly.
- They told me to
tell you they hope,
we all hope, you'll
come back real soon.
I almost forgot my root beer.
I really don't
think I'll have time
to finish it all, though.
- You come back again, Cynthia,
whenever you get the time.
- Thank you, sis.
I really do have to get home.
Grade school teachers
never have a minute's rest.
- Well I'll be dogged.
They have all kinds
of pork and beans.
How come you moved 'em?
Thank you, bud.
I reckon I'll take a few
extra cans this week.
Uh-uh.
Put 'em on my tab, bud.
- Uh-uh.
No more credit.
You already owe us for two
months' groceries as it is.
And you owe sis five bucks
for putting two shipments
of snakes on the express truck.
- I ought to let bud
pop your head off
like he does them slithering,
slimy snake friends of yours.
Except you ain't got enough
tail to get a hold of.
- I'll pay you next Wednesday.
- Don't give him no
more credit, sis.
- Sack the groceries.
Take a couple of taffies.
They're on the house.
- No thank you.
- Oh, go on.
They're free.
I give them to all my customers.
Get out there, get out
there, get out there.
- Well, what's the
matter, snakey?
Don't you like my Taffy?
If you had the time
and always burden my dreams
I need them done
I need you my dear
I know that
lord you been
preaching so long
that a print on your arm
is priceless
if one could be found
Well you can go
- hey al.
Can you kick it up a little bit?
This illusion's still strong
in your mind
My dear
Hey al.
- Left right, left right,
left right, left right,
left right, left right,
left right, left right!
Left right, left
right, left right,
left right, left
right, left right!
- Man!
- That "stars and
stripes forever"
is just plum inspirational!
Makes a man wanna grab a
gun and start marching!
Yeah!
Well, if you think that's good,
you shoulda heard John
Philip sousa himself.
- Yeah, you told me
you heard him once!
- Yeah.
- But go on, tell it again!
- Well.
It was back in 1928, in a
real big auditorium back east.
And that place was
packed with people.
Well, sousa and his boys
was playing all the
very best marches,
like "the thunderer",
and "El capitan",
and "semper fidelis", and
"the daughters of Texas"!
Well, it wasn't till the
very last of that program
that he played "the stars
and stripes forever",
which, of course, is his
very best composition.
The first time through, they
played it in a normal manner,
but the second time, wowee!
While the drums was booming,
the flutes and the
piccolos and the coronets
and the trumpets, they
all marched right down
to the front of the
stage, and they line up,
military like, and man!
That whole band,
they all cut loose!
Well!
That audience say, including me,
they got to their
foot, just like sousa
was playing "the
star spangled banner"
instead of "the stars
and stripes forever",
and when that number was ended,
the audience and me,
we was on our feet,
and you never heard such
clapping and cheering and stomping!
I thought that noise
was gonna bring
the roof down on our heads.
But I didn't care none.
I was making just as much
noise as everybody else!
- Oh, I sure wish I coulda
been there to see that!
- This record's got one whole
side of sousa's marches.
"Corcoran cadets", "hands
across the sea", "thunderer",
and "semper fidelis".
- Look, snakey.
I gotta be hitting the
sack if I'm gonna get up
early in the morning.
- You mean you're gonna marry
that little dancing girl?
- That's what I said, wasn't it?
- Burt.
Have you gone and forgotten
what happened to you
last time you got
mixed up with a woman?
You're still paying a
whopping big sum of money
every month for that mistake.
- Well, that won't
happen with Ivy.
Now believe me, this girl
is a real little honey.
And boy howdy, has
she got a build.
Just wait till you meet her.
She's got talent, too.
Why, I can sit and watch
her dance all night long.
She makes 200 a
week in that club.
- Well, then I reckon
we aren't gonna have
no concert here next
Wednesday night.
- Why?
You gonna get sick or something?
Somebody gonna steal my stereo?
- Well shucks, you with
a new wife and all.
I figures...
- Oh, snakey, you ain't
nothing but an old worrywart.
Now look, how many times
we missed our band concerts
in the past few years?
- Not once.
- But...
- But what?
I'll tell you but what.
You just be here next Wednesday
night at eight, mister.
You hear?
It wouldn't mean a thing
if they didn't come from you
all the things you do to me
are the ones that
thank god most
it's the little
things that matter
the little things
that make me gladder
that when I'm alive
living and loving you
it's all the little
things I love
that makes me love you
- What are you doing
here this early?
I told you never to
come here this early.
- Well, it couldn't be helped.
Burt and me didn't have
much of a concert tonight.
- Well you could have
waited a while longer.
- Well, let's go on in.
Lucifer is getting
a bit anxious.
Snakey,
please give him to me.
Oh.
Oh.
- See you next
Wednesday, miss Williams.
- Hiya, Cynthia.
- Howdy, Cynthia.
- Bet you're
surprised to see us.
- Why yes, I am a little.
- Well, bud and me
thought it was high time
we paid you a little visit,
so here we are.
- That was very nice of you,
but isn't it sort
of late, I mean?
- We was here earlier, but
we didn't want to bust in
on your other company.
- Other company?
Oh my goodness.
- Now bud, you shouldn't
have said that.
You're frightening
our little bird.
Now don't you worry
none, Cynthia.
Bud and me know how
to keep a secret.
- Darn right, we do.
- But you're taking a chance.
If them prudes on the
school board find out
that you're carrying on with
the likes of snakey bender,
they could cause
you some trouble.
- Oh, but it isn't what
you think, I mean...
- Shh.
You don't have to explain
anything to us, Cynthia.
At least not now, anyways.
No.
After you, Cynthia.
- The boys show up yet?
- They'll be here.
Don't you worry none.
They'll be here.
- I don't think
so, brother bender.
I don't think so.
You see, they have no real
reason to see you now,
since they released
their little animals.
In fact, they will probably
experience a temporary
sense of betrayal, and
would therefore suffer shame
in your presence.
Ah, but isn't that infinitely
better than suffering shame
in the presence of god?
- I told you to leave
my wednesdays alone.
Now what'd you tell them boys?
- Nothing.
I simply stood by and
witnessed with approval
as miss Williams
enlightened them.
- That's a lie.
She loves snakes
as much as I do.
- Maybe more?
Nevertheless, she
found it in her heart,
and her own best interest,
to do god's bidding.
The truth is that she
spoke to the children.
I said not word one to 'em.
- You did his
dirty work for him?
- No, I didn't!
I mean, I didn't want to.
He told me he was gonna
go to the school board.
- Oh.
Okay.
Okay.
I gotta figure out some
way to feed my snakes.
They've gotta have live food.
Don't you be surprised
none if I'm late tonight.
- Snakey?
Don't come to my house tonight.
There won't be any
more Wednesday nights.
- What the hell's
wrong with you?
What about you and
me and my snakes?
- I want Lucifer.
I'll buy him from you.
I'll pay you whatever you ask.
- What about you, and me?
- You thought that,
how could you possibly think
there was something between us?
I mean, something really?
Snakey, I can't believe
that you would think
there was something between us.
- By god!
You women are all liars!
You're all willing
to buy or sell love
just as soon as somebody
drops his pants,
and when the going gets
rough, you're onto the bushes,
and leave the man behind,
looking like a damn fool!
There ain't one of
you can be trusted!
That's why no man
ever ought to get
himself married.
Not me, not Burt, nobody!
And Lucifer ain't for sale.
- I swear, you're the
sneakiest man I've ever seen.
One of these days
I'm gonna SWAT you
for popping up out of nowhere.
- I want to pay up
my bill in full.
- Well.
Ain't you gonna stock
up on some groceries
before you pay up?
I ain't
trading here no more.
- Well, now what do you
think about that, bud?
- I say good riddance.
- Well now that just shows you
how different a brother
and sister can be.
Now as for me, I
appreciate your business.
Why, I wouldn't dream
of letting you shop
anywhere else for
your groceries.
How
you gonna stop me?
- Easy, that's how.
Bud and I know all about you
and that little schoolteacher.
And I mean all.
I can guarantee you, she'll
back our story to the hilt.
She's on our side now.
Not yours.
- I don't know what
you're talking about.
- Oh, don't be coy, snakey.
- You're crazy if you
think you can force me
to trade here, sis Palmer.
- That's exactly
what I wanna do.
You got yourself in a
corner, Mr. Snake man.
And I ain't about
to let you get out.
- Hey snakey, there's
a friend of yours
crawling out of your car, there.
Oh no you don't.
Hey sis, come here!
Got him!
You go do that one thing
you're good at, boy.
- He's all yours now, snakey.
- See you next Wednesday, hear?
Good boy.
- I'm Jim bender.
I'm a friend of Burt's.
- Oh.
Um, Burt's taking
his bath right now.
I'm Mrs. Holden.
But if you're a
friend of Burt's,
I guess you ought
to call me Ivy.
Burt, Jim bender
here to see you.
- Snakey.
- Excuse me?
- Snakey.
Folks round here call me snakey.
- Oh, yes.
Of course.
I remember now.
You catch snakes for a living,
and you and Burt listen
to band music together.
- Yes, ma'am.
We have a band concert
every Wednesday night.
- And tonight is
Wednesday night.
- Yeah.
- Burt!
Where are you?
You got company.
Well now looky here, Mr. Bender.
I think we're gonna
have a problem.
- You see these
speakers on the wall?
They make you feel
like you're right
in the middle of the band!
- Yeah, I'll bet.
- Oh, Burt and me has
had some high old times
right here in this room.
- Like I said, snakey.
I think we're gonna
have a problem.
Married life isn't like
single life, you know?
Burt's gonna have to
make some changes.
- Did Burt say that?
- No, but I'm sure
he'll see it my way.
- Why are you interfering
with our Wednesday nights?
Ain't none of your affair.
- This is my house
now as much as Burt's.
You have no right...
I do have a right!
Wednesday night is my night.
And Burt's.
Now you listen to
me, you're nothing
but an outsider, a newcomer.
You be careful when you
start talking about changes.
- Burt?
Burt!
Where are you?
Get on in here.
- Hey, snakey!
Hey, good to see you!
- Howdy, Burt.
- Well, how do you like her?
She's a little old
honey, isn't she?
Ivy, this is snakey bender.
The fellow I was
telling you all about.
- Oh you silly, he
introduced himself.
How do you think I
was able to tell you
who was calling, huh?
- Well, we're gonna have a
lively concert in here tonight.
- What's that?
- Well, it's
Wednesday night, Burt.
- Well, I know it's
Wednesday night,
but look snakey, we've been
married for less than a week,
and well, we kinda
already had something
planned for tonight.
- Burt, we ain't missed
a concert in years.
- Well, it won't hurt us
to miss this once, will it?
Probably do us good.
And besides, look, we're
leaving tomorrow for Mexico.
Going down there for
a little honeymoon.
- How long you gonna be gone?
- I don't know, about
two, maybe three weeks.
- And you won't be here
next Wednesday night?
And maybe not even the next?
And maybe not even
three weeks from now?
- Now look, snakey.
You quit acting
like a little child.
Now that band concert just ain't
all that godawful important.
- Snakey?
Ho, snake!
Morning, snakey.
- Howdy, Burt.
- Bud went over to central
city to pick up some stuff,
so I come out here
to do the feeding.
- I thought you was
leaving today for Mexico.
- Look, snakey.
The real reason I come out here
was to see you.
- Oh, you don't have to
apologize to me, Burt.
You just got married.
When you come back from Mexico,
we can start right back just
like nothing ever happened.
- You don't understand.
I have a wife to think of now...
- Yeah, of course you do.
And there ain't no reason
why the three of us
can't attend our
concerts instead of two.
I've always heard,
the bigger the crowd,
the better the music.
What do you got there?
Can I give you a hand?
- Snakey.
There won't be anymore
Wednesday night concerts.
- I don't guess I do understand.
- Snakey, it's Ivy.
You gotta give young
girls special attention.
Sort of full time
attention, in fact.
- I can't believe it's
Burt Holden speaking.
Ain't you ever gonna have
a mind of your own anymore?
- Look, snakey.
I'm giving you all
this stuff here.
All the stereo components.
Speaker, turntable,
amplifiers, everything.
Records and all.
- Aw, that damn dancing girl!
You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
- You better watch what you
say about my wife, mister!
- I knew she was gonna
make trouble for us.
I could see the way she was
acting with you last night,
wriggling around,
dropping her clothes.
- You spied on me?
- You ought to keep
your eyes open!
She's just trying to
take you, that's all!
She's a gold digger!
Just a selfish
little gold digger!
- You can't talk like that!
You ungrateful old fool!
I ought to kick
you off this place!
Well those Wednesday
night concerts
would have never gotten
started in the first place
if it wasn't for my generosity!
Well don't you expect me
to be generous anymore!
Find out all about you
and that little schoolteacher.
And I mean all.
And I can guarantee you,
she'll back our story
to the hilt.
She's on our side now.
Not yours.
Don't
come to my house tonight.
There won't be any
more Wednesday nights.
I simply stood by
and witnessed with approval
as miss Williams
enlightened them.
What
are you doing here this early?
I told you never to
come here this early!
What's
the matter, snakey?
Don't you like the ranch?
I ought to let bud
pop your head off
like he does them slithering,
slimy snake friends of yours.
All
serpents work for the devil.
- Where's my husband?
He was supposed to
be here hours ago.
- Well, he's out at the ranch.
He sent me in after you.
- Burt sent you after me?
- Yeah, the chores he had to do
turned out to be more
than he expected.
- Well what does he want me for?
To hold a flashlight
while he ropes a steer?
- I don't know what
he wants you for.
But he's gonna be awful
mad if you don't show up.
- He's gonna be mad?
I am the one who's mad.
We were supposed to have left
on our honeymoon hours ago.
- Are you coming or not?
- Oh, I don't know why
I should, but I will.
What do you think you're
doing with those suitcases?
- He told me to
bring them along.
Maybe you're leaving for
Mexico from the ranch.
- Where's Burt?
Where is he?
What is going on here anyway?
- Don't bother to look for him.
He's dead.
You turned him against me.
Now you shouldn't ought
to have done that.
I warned you not to interfere
with our Wednesday
night concerts.
Now you come along with me.
- No!
- Wait a minute...
- Let me go!
- Help!
- Come on!
- Help!
- Give me your hand!
Go on, get up.
Get up!
Come on.
You stay there.
Follow me.
Get up.
Now you stay there.
Come on.
Get in there.
- No, please.
I don't...
- Hurry up!
Or I'll throw you
down the ladder!
Get down there.
- What are you gonna do with me?
- I'm gonna teach you a
thing or two about suffering.
Now get!
- What you doing here?
How dare you come into my
house without knocking?
You get out of here!
Get out!
- I'm getting out.
But you're going with me.
Brother joy, I walked all
the way into town to see you,
just so you could
have the pleasure
of driving me back home.
You just stay put.
I want you to rub it
all over yourself.
Your arms, your legs.
Your chest.
Come on, on your shins.
That's enough.
So, you're a little hungry, huh?
This here cottonmouth,
he ain't ate for
three weeks now.
Now, brother joy.
You committed a pretty bad
crime against my snakes
when you cut off
their food supply.
- Brother bender,
as god as my judge...
- I don't need his help.
Already judged you myself,
and you're guilty as hell.
What we're discussing
here is your punishment.
- Brother bender, snakey,
I'll do anything.
Only don't kill me.
- You're wasting
your breath on me.
The boy you ought to be
talking to is right here.
Mr. Cottonmouth himself.
Because he's gonna be a
combination jury and executioner.
And if he decides
to let you go free,
then I'll let you live,
but it's all up to him.
That's why I had you rub
the fish all over yourself,
to help him make up his mind.
You see, a cottonmouth,
he'll strike at anything
that smells a little fishy.
- Oh my god.
Please, god!
- Well, I don't know.
You may be able to get
god to intercede for you,
but it don't hardly
seem possible.
Seeing as how he's the
one who gave this snake
his appetite for fish
in the first place!
You better stay put.
Movement makes him nervous.
- No!
Don't!
Forgive me, god.
- No!
Mrs. Holden!
What are you doing in there?
- Would you help me, please?
Get me out of here?
Hurry!
- Well hi, snakey.
- Sure glad you're here, bud.
You saved me the trouble
of coming to get you.
Bud.
This ought to be a
real picnic for you.
All you gotta do
is snatch 'em up
before they coil, and
pop their heads off.
Open your eyes, girl!
- Oh god!
No!
- Hello?
What are you doing calling me?
I told you the other day, I...
- No, I won't come
in there no more.
Don't you worry about that.
But that ain't no reason
why you can't come out here
to the ranch.
- No, I couldn't.
- Well, you always wanted to
see my whole snake collection.
This here's your chance.
- I shouldn't.
Hundred?
Hundred?
No, I can't.
I tell you, I absolutely can't.
Snakey?
Snakey?
- I see you're already
enjoying my friends.
- Oh snakey, they're
just beautiful.
And there's so many.
But where's Lucifer?
- Forget Lucifer.
- I hope you aren't
angry with me anymore.
You must understand,
I didn't want to make
the boys turn their
animals loose,
and the other things I said, I...
- We ain't gonna
talk about that now.
Now, how do you want
to get acquainted
with my other snakes?
Maybe several of
them at one time?
- Could I?
- Yeah.
- Oh!
My goodness.
- This here's the king
snake you was admiring.
Now this species
is the prettiest
and the gentlest of all snakes.
Gentlest, that is, where
human beings are concerned.
But he's a cannibal
with other snakes.
- Oh.
Put that naughty little
boy around my neck.
- I got you a bull snake here.
Now they get pretty big,
and he makes quite a
show with his hissing.
- Oh!
Ooh!
- Now here I got you a big boa.
He's pretty strong.
And he likes to squeeze things.
- Oh baby!
Oh!
Oh!
- This one here's a longnose.
He likes to burrow.
- Oh, my lovely darlings!
Oh!
Oh!
My precious little boys!
Oh!
- Miss Williams.
Miss Williams?
I got another snake for you.
- Oh, please.
Give him to me.
- I don't know.
This is copperhead.
It ain't like the others.
It's very, very poisonous.
- Oh, give him to me!
- Oh, okay.
If you insist.
- Give him to me.
- I'm looking for that damn
no-count brother of mine.
He's disappeared, and so
has the crazy schoolteacher.
- Is that right?
- Probably shacked up somewhere.
Damn that Billy goat!
What about the cabin
down by the crick?
He used to take that creepy
Milly bass down there.
- They ain't at the cabin.
But I happen to
know where they are.
There ain't no reason
why you can't join them.
Where they are, nobody'll mind
if you and bud
and a few snakes
share the same woman.
Sis.
Each one of these here
barrels has got a snake in it
but only one of them
snakes is poisonous.
Now what we got here
is three bull snakes,
and one coral snake.
Now they're all untamed
and they're all nervous,
and they're all biters
when they're that way.
But only the coral
snake will kill ya.
Now, what you gotta do
is pick out of the three barrels
with the harmless snakes.
And we'll forget the fourth one.
That fair enough?
Pick out your first barrel, sis.
All right, then
I'll do it for you!
- No!
No, no, no, no.
I'll do it.
The second one.
- To the right?
- No.
No, from the left.
- Bull snake.
What's the second choice?
- The first one.
- Another bull snake.
What's your last choice?
- The fourth.
Oh god!
Oh no, that was the coral snake!
No, not the coral snakes!
- Sis.
The last laugh is on you.
All four of them barrels
got coral snakes in them.
- You dirty son of!
- Well now.
You sure did bring the most
mice this time, Malcolm.
- Told you I would.
- Yeah.
I like a man who keeps his word.
Say, now miss Williams has
run off with bud Palmer,
who's your new schoolteacher?
- My mom is.
- Uh-huh.
There.
Now, let's see.
That's four mice
and three birds.
That's 35 cents
for you, Malcolm.
And I thank you.
Okay, that's all for today
and I reckon I'll see you here
next Wednesday, right boys?
- You can depend on us
from now on, snakey.
Bye, snakey.
- So long.
Don't forget, next Wednesday.
- Don't you worry now.
I'll put these snakes on
express truck in the morning.
- Well, I think I ought
to pay you something
for your troubles.
- No, no, no, no.
You just buy your
groceries and gas here.
I'm happy to do this
little service for you.
Jimmy
tiner, central city feed store
now gives you, free of charge,
that purty little song,
"are you lonely tonight?"
You
looking for something?
- You're damn right i'm
looking for something.
You.
Now I know you're not the
richest man in the county,
but you've got to
be taught a lesson.
You've got to realize
that it's mighty easy
to kill somebody.
You have no idea how
nervous it makes me
to give somebody a ticket,
but that's what
the job calls for.
And doggone it, i'm
gonna do my duty.
Hey, I suppose you
heard about Palmer
and the schoolteacher
taking off together?
- Yeah, they was talking
about it in town today.
- Boy, with a rear
end like hers,
she coulda hooked
somebody with some brains.
What's your middle
initial, snakey?
- W.
- You know, that's
one of the nice things
about this job.
You get to know some mighty
interesting things about people.
Now you take that preacher.
Not many folks knew that he was
tapping the church
building fund.
- Did you know about
that all along?
- Hell no.
It ain't right to
suspect a preacher.
What's your license number?
- How the hell would I know?
- Oh, that's all right.
Don't bother.
Being tall comes
in handy sometimes.
Z-a-m-0-4-1.
Z-a-m-0-4-1.
Z-a-m-0-4-1.
Now you take sis Palmer.
There's no telling
what wild hare she got
that made her take off
and leave the store
all locked up.
- Probably off looking
for bud and that teacher.
- Why the hell couldn't
I have thought of that?
Z-a-m-0,
oh, damn it.
Z-a-m-0-4-1.
Z-a-m-0-4
you know, by the time
Burt and his wife get back
there might not be
anybody left in town.
That'd make you wonder,
if you was using
the wrong kind of soap.
Z-a-m-0...
- 0-4-1.
- Thanks.
0-4-1.
All right.
Well.
I'll see you in
town next Wednesday.
- You ain't exactly my
idea of a companion.
I don't even like you.
But my Wednesday
nights ain't ever gonna
be right again without somebody.
Now.
You're gonna learn all about
band music and snakes.
In no time at all.
- You mean you
aren't gonna kill me?
- Just a matter of learning.
Seeing as how I know all
about band music and snakes,
all you gotta do
is pay attention.
Now.
Naturally, we'll start
with John Philip sousa,
the greatest composer and
musician who ever lived.
Yes!
Oh, you shoulda heard him
play this number in person!
Well I did!
Back in 1928, in a real
big auditorium back east.
And that place was
packed with people.
Now, sousa and his boys,
they played all
his best marches.
"The thunderer", "semper
fidelis", "El capitan",
and "daughters of Texas".
But it weren't till
the end of the program
that he played "the stars
and stripes forever"
which of course is his
very best composition.
Now, the first time through,
they played it in
a normal manner.
But the second time, while
them drums was pulling,
the flutes and the piccolos,
and the coronets,
and the trombone...