Fast and Loose (1930) Movie Script
1
Hello?
What do you mean,
they're still busy?
Oh, they can't be busy all night.
Now... now listen, operator,
be a sport, try again, will you?
This is my girl,
I wanna talk to her.
Sure.
That's fine.
Call me back as soon as you get her.
Okay.
Oh, no, no, please,
the next dance!
Oh, the happy bride-to-be!
- Oh, shut up.
- Tell me, Sis.
How's Lord Fauntleroy, the big stiff?
How can you bear to be separated
even for a moment
from that beanpole?
Now, let me alone,
can't you see I'm not fooling?
I... oh, I don't know
what's the matter with me.
Oh, gee, Sis, I'm sorry.
Here, I'll fix you a drink,
it'll cheer you up.
No?
All right, here's how.
A short life and a merry one.
From where I'm sitting,
it looks like a long and dreary one.
Listen, Sis.
That's because you're not in love.
Maybe you're right.
I don't suppose I ever will be.
Got to get married sometime.
I used to think that maybe
the right man would come along someday.
Well, I'll keep on waiting and looking.
Even after you're married to that fellow?
Well, why not?
He's only marrying me
for the money anyway.
And I'm only marrying him because...
well, because...
Mother and Uncle George
want a title in the family.
Well, here's to Uncle George.
May he slip on a banana peel
and break his neck.
Uncle George could never slip
on anything as unrefined as that.
Oh, there's Alice.
Hello, darling.
You're darned tootin'
I still want Long Beach.
I've been wanting 'em for hours.
Well, I know they're there.
Yes, ring 'em again,
will you, operator?
Call me back.
What service.
27, 28, 29... phew!
Well, hot or cold,
all men are alike.
Oh, Millie, I think you're
being mean and rotten.
It isn't Bertie's fault
he takes a drink now and then.
All his crowd does.
He was brought up that way.
He has more money
than is good for him
and he's never had anyone to answer to.
Why, you can't expect him
to change in a minute.
He's a Grade A number one souse.
Would you pardon me, dearie?
I've got ten of these to do.
If Bertie ever took a drink of water,
it'd poison him.
I won't have you talking
about him that way, Millie.
He's going to pull himself up,
and when he does,
- I'll marry him.
- Whoopie!
And a load of horsefeathers... oh!
Listen. When that bird marries you,
I'll take the veil.
You know, it's all right
for a chorus girl to be a sap.
In our business,
you don't need brains, only legs.
But there are times, Alice,
when you're that dumb
I could give you
a good sock in the nose.
- Millie.
- Now, listen, baby brain.
When a guy like Bertie Lenox
trails a girl like you,
he's strictly on the make, see?
- Millie, I don't want you to talk like that.
- All right, all right.
But the only orange blossoms you'll ever
see will come out of a cocktail shaker.
Millie, I can't stand it,
it isn't fair.
Why don't you let me alone?
Oh, Alice, I'm sorry,
but you know...
Hello?
Oh, just a minute.
Here you are, baby,
it's your boyfriend.
Hello? Hello, Bertie?
No. It's nothing.
Millie's been teasing me again.
Well, cheer up.
Yeah, I'm coming over
and I'll bring a couple of bottles.
We can toast to Marion over there.
Sure, we'll make whoopee.
'Course I'm not tight!
No! I've only had a few drinks
to congratulate my sister.
You can't let your sister get engaged
without congratulating her, can you?
'Course not!
Well, Marion, Alice
wants to congratulate you.
Just a minute, Alice, she's right here.
Hello, Alice.
I'm so happy for you.
Isn't it wonderful?
Tell me, are you...
terribly, terribly in love?
Why, of course I am!
Well, I wouldn't be getting married if
I weren't just terribly in love, would I?
Oh, thank you. Goodbye.
Am I terribly, terribly in love?
Oh yes.
You won't forget that little bit
about the lion and the eagle, will you?
Jolly good if I do say so myself.
No, we won't forget that
for a long time, Lord Rockingham.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Thank you very much.
Yes indeed.
Carrie, are you sure that Rockingham
is the right man for Marion?
Why, Bronson!
Arthur is a member
of one of the oldest...
and most conservative
families of Europe.
Yes, and just think how old Europe is!
I'm surprised at your attitude, Bronson.
A girl as unmanageable as Marion
might easily have married
some perfectly impossible person.
It's a thing that's been known to happen
even to the best people.
I know all that.
But I'm still not sure
that I want that man
to be the father of my grandchildren.
Bronson, don't be difficult.
Oh, there you are, old thing!
Oh dear. How the deuce am I to know
to whom I'm engaged
if you pass this around
among your friends?
You know, it would be devilish annoying
if I have to kiss the wrong girl.
Depends on her taste, Rocky.
- It probably would be annoying.
- Her taste?
Oh yes... lipstick, of course,
You know, you know,
I didn't quite get you at first.
You haven't quite got me yet.
Never mind that.
It won't be long until the wedding.
Rocky...
are you terribly, terribly much
in love with me?
Why, what a strange question.
Yes. That seems to be the general opinion.
I'm going.
- I don't follow.
- Good.
- Look here, what's the matter?
- Rocky, please don't touch me.
Let me go, will you?
- Let me go, Rocky.
- Blast it all, you can't treat me like this!
Who says she can't,
you big stiff?
Bertie, please don't start anything.
I'm all mixed up.
Come on, I wanna go get some air.
Sure, kid.
But...
Wonderful party, Rockingham.
I say, Grafton.
What would you do
if someone called you "a large stiff"?
A what?
A large stiff.
Why, I... I'd refuse to meet him socially.
Well, I can't refuse to meet
my future brother-in-law.
You mean, Bertie called you a...
a large stiff?
Yes. I suppose his associations
are responsible for his manner.
His associations?
Well, of course,
it's none of my business,
but as I'm practically
a member of the family,
I think that you should know the worst.
Bertie is going to marry a chorus girl.
A chorus girl?
Oh, this is dreadful, I... but...
are you absolutely sure?
Who is she?
Do you know her?
Well, it so happens that I know
her roommate... That is, very slightly.
It can't... it can't be true.
Well, there's not a
shadow of a doubt in it.
They're constantly seen lunching,
teaing, dining, and dancing together.
Every club in town is buzzing with it.
Where is Bertie?
He just left here with Marion.
Marion has left her own engagement party?
This is dreadful.
It will kill her mother,
we mustn't tell her.
This is dreadful, we...
we must do something.
Yes, but what?
We must think.
An excellent suggestion.
Rockingham, are you thinking?
- I think so.
- Good.
Come in, Sis, Alice'll be glad to see you.
No, Bertie.
I want to be alone.
I don't know what's the matter with me.
Do you know,
I've never felt like this before.
Oh, sure, I understand.
You drive on home, Sis,
and I'll taxi it back.
Oh... oh, you'd better take this,
it's turning cool.
Thanks.
- Good night.
- Good night.
I wouldn't leave my car
on that loose sand too long, ma'am.
You're apt to get stuck.
I can take care of my own car, thank you.
Yes, ma'am. You sure can.
Yes, ma'am.
I can see from the way you handle that stick
that an automobile has no secrets for you.
Sure gives me pleasure
to see you so expert.
It's a wonderful thing, the way gals are
improving their learning these days.
Used to be when a gal got stuck,
she'd ask the nearest man to help her.
Oh, you haven't got
a cigarette about you, have you?
There's a package on the seat of the car.
Thank you. Thank you.
Sure do like to smoke after a swim.
Can't think of anything nicer
than having just one.
And sitting here smoking
and watching a pretty girl repairing a car.
Oh, shut up.
I've never heard such a gabby, useless,
stupid, boorish, big idiot in all my life!
Why don't you get up and help me,
you big boob?
Who, me?
You want I should help you?
I thought you told me
to mind my own business.
I don't mind helping you
if you're sure it won't spoil your fun.
I'll give you ten dollars
if you get this car out of here.
No, ma'am.
- Twenty.
- No, ma'am.
How much do you want,
you big grafter?
All you got to do
is say you're sorry you was rude to me.
I'm sorry.
And furthermore, you got to say
you don't know nothing about cars at all.
- Just for your own good.
- I won't do it.
Then set there.
I don't know anything about cars.
At all.
At all.
Now we can commence.
- Can you get it out of here?
- I can try.
Now, you put this little
board under the wheel.
But how can I?
It's stuck in the sand.
It ain't gonna be there long.
Now, when the wheel comes up,
you stick the board under.
- You flatter yourself.
- Be that as it may,
when that wheel comes up,
you stick the board under.
Yes, sir.
There.
You know why men was made
stronger than women?
- Why?
- 'Cause they never was intended
for to be their equal,
don't forget that.
Women was intended to be ornaments,
to charm their men
in their lighter moments
and soothe them when they're tired.
I don't like you.
Yes, ma'am?
You make me sick.
Yes, ma'am?
I never want to see you again.
Yes, ma'am.
You come swimming here every night?
Mostly.
Well, then I'll avoid this place hereafter.
It's okay with me.
Will you be swimming here tomorrow night?
Sure will.
I wouldn't miss my swim for anything.
- Oh, before I forget.
- Yes, ma'am?
I think you're a big mug.
When I think of how poor Arthur
must be suffering,
oh, I can't bear it,
I can't bear it, I can't bear it!
Now, now, Carrie,
Marion can take care of herself.
There's nothing to be upset about.
How can you say such a thing?
To leave her own party
and rush off into the night like a...
Hyena.
- Keep your feathers on, George.
- Don't be a fool.
- I have no feathers.
- It's unforgivable, simply unforgivable.
And of course, nobody believed
that story about her sudden illness.
Hello, everybody. Party over?
I suppose I'm in the wrong.
Marion. What were you thinking?
After all your father and I
- have done for you?
- I'm sorry I left,
but I couldn't stand it any longer,
I had to get away.
Well, I... I can't just explain it,
but everything seemed to be
crowding in around me,
I had to get out,
I just thought I'd choke.
You understand.
Don't you, Dad?
Of course I do.
Now, you run upstairs
like a good little girl
and get a good night's sleep, huh?
Thank you, Father.
- Good night.
- Good night.
What is the matter with her?
Oh, there's nothing the
matter with her, George.
It's just that she's tired
of this sort of thing, that's all.
I know how she feels.
I'd like to get away myself sometimes.
Bronson!
Well, I... I'm sorry, Carrie.
Good night.
I don't know what the boy's been up to,
but I know that he would never think
of marrying that kind of woman.
After all, George,
he's my son, Carrie's son.
Oh, just a minute, Bertie.
What is it?
Something little boys shouldn't hear?
Sit down.
We've been talking about you.
Your uncle tells me that there's a rumor
that you're engaged to a chorus girl.
Well, it's more than a rumor, Dad... I am.
I'm sure you don't
mean that literally, son.
You needn't be afraid to tell me.
It's just a little adventure, eh?
No, sir, it isn't just a little adventure.
I suppose you're not paying her bills.
She's not that kind.
None of them are.
I'll take your word for it, son,
but you know what it will mean to
your mother if this affair goes on.
Well, Mother's got to stand for it
sooner or later.
You intend to marry this girl?
I do.
Do you realize what you're doing, Bertie?
Perfectly, sir.
I appreciate that you've
always been honest with me.
I've always trusted you,
I always want to.
But I can't pretend
that this isn't pretty much of a blow.
Well, I realize that, Dad,
but if you knew Alice...
I'd rather not talk about it.
All I ask is that you don't get married
without first letting me know.
Very well, sir.
Thank you, son.
- Good night.
- Good night, Dad.
Good night, Uncle George.
Well? Do you believe me now?
What are you going to do?
- I don't know.
- But I do.
You've got to get hold of this girl,
pay her, and get her out of the way.
- Yes, but how?
- Rockingham is going to arrange it.
- Rockingham?
- Yes. He knows the girl she lives with.
He's going to invite them to have
dinner with us at Luigi's tomorrow night.
- What?
- It's perfectly all right.
We are supposed to be...
theatrical agents.
Friends of his.
It's not a very pleasant idea.
But I'd like to take a look at the girl.
Yes, and this way,
she'll be off her guard.
You can see just what
sort of creature she is.
I'll think it over.
Good heavens, man, don't you realize
there's no time to lose?
If this thing gets into the papers,
it will kill Carrie.
- Perhaps you're right.
- Bronson.
Isn't Marion home yet?
Why, what's the matter?
What are you two talking about?
Just a little matter of business, Carrie.
What is it?
What's happened now?
Oh, you two are conspiring.
I can't bear it,
I can't bear it,
- I can't bear it!
- Now, now, now, Carrie, do be reasonable.
Something has happened.
I insist upon knowing the truth,
I insist upon it.
Very well.
If you must know, Carrie,
George and I are planning to have supper
with a couple of chorus girls.
Bronson, why can't you ever be serious?
You and George with
a couple of chorus girls.
That's the only funny thing
I've heard for days.
Yes, it is funny, isn't it?
Good evening.
Oh, heavens, is that you?
Sure, it's me.
I thought you hung out
further up the beach.
I didn't know this was the spot
you, uh, infested.
Yes, ma'am.
You've made a bad mistake,
so if you like,
although I don't have to,
I'll drag myself up yonder.
Oh, now that you're here,
you might as well stay.
Yeah, I figured you'd
come to that conclusion.
You know, I think you're
the most objectionable man
I've ever met in all my life.
You didn't come down here
to tell me that, did you?
Yes, I did.
Yeah, I figured you would.
No woman could say enough mean things
to a man in just one night.
She'd be bound to think
of something she forgot
after she got home
and come down the next night
and bawl him out some more.
You know quite a lot
about women, don't you?
Yes, ma'am.
I've looked 'em over
hither and yon quite thoroughly.
But never have I seen one
so completely and thoroughly
and confoundedly sweet
as you all appear to be.
- Who, me?
- Yes, ma'am.
Are you trying to tell me
in that funny English you speak
that you like me?
- Those are my sentiments.
- Well, I hate you.
Fine. Now I can go for another swim.
Oh, if you had a bathing suit with you,
you could come with me.
- But you probably can't swim anyway.
- I can swim!
Like you drive a car, maybe?
I can swim better than you can.
Oh, all right.
Bring down your bathing suit sometime
and show me.
- I'm from Missouri.
- I, um... I brought my bathing suit.
In that?
Well, I ain't stopping you.
The ocean belongs to everybody.
Um, would you like me to go in with you?
You can come if you want to.
But, uh, would you like me to?
I suppose so.
Do you think I could change
here on the beach?
Well, I ain't a peeker,
if that's what you're worrying about.
Well... I'll change back of the car.
I suppose when the world was young,
Adam and Eve stood just like this
in the Garden of Eden.
What do you suppose they thought about?
I reckon about the same sort of things
we're thinking.
- What were you thinking about?
- About you.
That's funny,
I was thinking about you.
Were your thoughts respectable?
No.
Neither were mine.
Maybe we'd better go in swimming.
Maybe we had.
Oh, come on!
By the way, what's your name?
Henry.
- Mine's Marion.
- Pleased to meet you.
You don't swim bad for a girl.
You're not so rotten yourself.
I like to be by your side.
Do you like to have me by your side?
Yeah, it sort of pleases me.
I think I'd like to be by your side always.
I got some water in my ear,
I didn't hear what you said.
I said, uh... I think I'm getting tired.
Oh. Roll over and rest your head on my arm.
Oh, gee, I'm happy.
I think I'm happier than I've
ever been before in all my life.
- I am too.
- Oh...
You'll get us drowned!
We'd better turn back.
I don't want to turn back.
You turn back or I'll spank you!
Oh yeah?
Honey, I ain't afraid of no woman.
Now, you turn back or I'll swat you.
Try.
Oh yeah?
Now, you keep on going
and I'll give you some more.
Oh... oh, I'll just put my coat around me
and dry off when I get home.
Good night.
Some night.
Good heavens, Sis.
Don't tell me you're tight.
No, bud, but I guess
it feels just the same.
- What's the matter with you??
- Shh!
I'm in love.
Who with?
Henry.
Henry?
There are millions of Henrys,
Henry who?
I don't know.
Just Henry.
Come on. Sleep it off.
I'll go in the back way.
I don't want to talk to anybody.
Such a wonderful dream.
I don't ever want to wake up.
How do you take your tea, Rocky?
With just a dash of soda and no ice.
Your tea, foolish!
I'm sorry. I mean,
just a little cream and no sugar.
Is anything wrong with me, Rocky?
Um, have I aged since you saw me last?
No, but Marion, after all,
you are engaged to me, and...
Yes, you know, I seem to remember
we were engaged.
Only this morning, I noticed a ring
on my dressing table,
and I said to myself,
"Now, who gave me that?"
Then your face sort of came back to me.
Well, upon my soul!
Here, old thing.
Look here, Marion,
you're not giving me the chuck?
Sorry, but I am.
Rocky, you wouldn't want a wife
who didn't really love you,
now, would you?
Well, I... I suppose not,
but you know, it's an awful shock.
Well, it's your own fault.
You must be a weak character
or I wouldn't have lost interest in you.
Weak? I, weak?
A strong man would have held me
and made me a better woman.
But I'm no animal trainer.
No, darling. You're a whole circus.
You know, you are a comic.
You break my heart,
but you do make me laugh.
You act as if your heart's broken.
Rocky, you know, we would have lasted
about a week.
Yes, well, perhaps you're right.
I know I am.
But it was nice being engaged to you.
Why, thanks no end.
- Goodbye.
- Cheerio, and, uh,
let me know when you find
your animal trainer, will you?
Yes, I will!
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
Now listen, Alice, I won't have you running
around with every Tom, Dick, and Harry.
If you don't think any
more of me than that,
I take back what I said last night.
Goodbye.
Where's Rockingham?
Heavens, Bertie,
what's he done to you?
- You've got murder in your eye.
- He's done plenty.
Oh, well what, honey?
He's invited Alice to go to supper
with him and some friends tonight,
and she broke an engagement with me to go.
- Oh, you're joking.
- I am not.
She insists that she
owes it to Millie to go.
These birds are theatrical agents,
and Millie's persuaded her
that it might mean a better job for them.
But Rocky, the funniest
thing I've ever heard!
I don't see why you
should think it's funny.
The man is engaged to you.
But I'm not engaged to
him any longer, darling.
- What?
- No. I just broke the fatal news.
- But, Sis, you...
- Darling, I'll tell you all about it later.
Now, I've simply got to duck
before Mother finds out.
Well, I'm glad it's off,
first, because he's a total idiot,
and second, because I'm gonna
sock him in the jaw.
Now, please be sensible, Bertie.
After all, you can trust Alice.
I'll be sensible, all right.
Why, Carrie!
I'm so happy!
Marion and Arthur must have made it up!
There's a lovely sound
coming from the two little lovebirds!
"Lovebirds"?
Why, Bertie.
Where did Marion and Arthur go?
In opposite directions,
that's all I know.
Pray what do you mean, Bertie?
I... well, I think Sis would rather
that I did tell you.
Bertie! What do you mean?
Now, don't get excited, Carrie, she...
She's broken her engagement.
She's what?
She's broken her engagement.
George!
- Bronson!
- Yes. Go get the smelling salts, Bertie.
Oh, I can't bear it!
I can't bear it, I can't bear it!
Poor Carrie!
Now, don't make matters worse, George,
it's not a tragedy.
Oh, what will his family think?
Oh, it's too dreadful!
Let Bronson go speak to Marion.
He'll force her to do the right thing.
I'm certainly not going
to force my daughter
to marry a man she doesn't love.
- Bronson!
- I'm sorry, Mother,
but you had to hear it sometime.
She didn't have to hear it.
It didn't have to happen.
It wouldn't have happened if Marion
hadn't been a silly, spoiled little fool.
Now, see here, George,
don't you think that you ought to hear.
Marion's side of the story first?
I must talk to Arthur.
Where is the poor boy?
I'll see him tonight, dear,
and have a chat with him.
Oh, I can't bear it,
I can't bear it, I can't bear it!
Oh, I'm sorry, Carrie!
How much longer is it going to take you?
Hey, you under there, how much longer
is it going to take you?
Not long.
Oh, was it badly hurt?
No.
Women hadn't ought to
be allowed to drive cars.
It was a man's fault.
- Yeah, that's what women always say.
- Well, it was I tell you.
Well, have it your own way, lady.
Have it your own way.
I'll be a son of sea cook.
Henry!
Henry, Henry, come out from under there,
I want to talk you to you. Henry!
Henry, listen to me.
- Henry.
- You'll get that pretty dress of yours all dirty
under here, Ms. Lenox.
- How long have you been working here?
- Two days.
That's why you didn't know who I was then.
I heard a lot about the
wild Lenox youngster
but I hadn't figured she was
my little friend down at the beach.
Well, what difference does it make
if I am Ms. Lenox?
Henry, I don't mind
if you were a chauffer, darling.
I'm not a chauffer, I'm a mechanic
where I can build a car.
I just bet you could, dear.
What the?
That is if there was no
women around to help.
Oh, Henry, now please don't act like that.
I don't think it's fair, Henry,
come around here and talk to me.
I've got so much to say to you.
Stop hammering.
I'm helping, Henry.
Say, haven't you got some place to go?
When the car is finished.
Well, it's all finished now, Ms. Lenox.
Good, then we can talk.
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hm.
Oh, Henry.
Henry, I wouldn't try to help you
if you didn't want me to.
Say, listen, now that I think of it
what right you got to be talking like that?
Ain't you engaged to one of them dukes
or something?
Well, not anymore, Henry.
I've broken it off.
- You don't think after last night...
- It's no use.
This sort of changes things,
I guess we just kind of forgot.
The beach and the water
and the moon shining down,
that's what it was, moon shine.
You ain't got no cause to be crying, honey.
It's all right, it was just
the moon shine, I tell ya.
Shinning down and make you think
I was one of them diplomats
or millionaires or educated like a lawyer
or doctor or dentist maybe.
But I ain't, I'm just a plain,
ordinary, everyday man
and I ain't aiming to marry
no millionaire's daughter.
Why shouldn't you want to marry me?
It's not my fault if my father's rich.
Anyway, I'm fed up with lawyers
and doctors and diplomats.
Millionaires make me sick.
Henry, I don't care if you're a mechanic.
Whatever you are is good enough for me.
You don't know what you're talking about.
You couldn't marry me, it wouldn't be fit.
You mean you don't want me to.
I mean I can't have you, that's all.
Henry, oh, we can't talk very well here.
Will you meet me down at the beach tonight?
No, ma'am, not tonight or no other time.
- I am quitting the job.
- Oh, no, Henry,
No good talking, I'm quitting.
May I use your telephone, please?
Yes, ma'am, right there.
Roslyn 7421 please.
Yes, thank you.
Where are you going, Henry,
don't you like it here?
Yeah, I like it here all right.
But I gotta go for personal reasons.
There's a woman in it, I'll bet.
Yeah, so.
Now wait a minute and I'll get your keys.
Just a minute.
Yes?
Hello, is Henry there?
Yes, he's right here, ma'am, just a minute.
Must be her.
Hello?
Yeah, this is me.
Henry, you did a very bad job on my car.
I'm stuck.
I didn't do no such thing.
I fixed the car perfect.
Well, it was all right when you left here.
It ain't my fault.
Well, I'd wish you'd come and fix it.
No, I won't come down and fix it.
I told you before, I quit.
All right, if you want to take money
under false pretenses.
I'm not taking money under false pretenses.
I've never done no sloppy work.
Oh, all right, all right, I'll come down
and see whose fault it was.
Where are you?
Well, I...
I'm at that abandoned water tower
on the Merrick Road,
you know, about five
miles below Massapequa.
You'll come, won't you? Hurry.
Okay.
I suppose I gotta drive you down there.
Never mind, I'll go down in my Lizzie.
Got your repair kit?
Yeah, but I won't need 'em,
nothing the matter with that car.
It was sweet of you to come, Henry.
I'll say it was.
There was nothing the matter with this car.
Just a little grease on the distributor.
- All fixed.
- Oh, yeah?
Very clever of you, Henry.
It was stupid of me not
to find out the trouble.
You couldn't expect no woman
to understand about mechanics.
No, I don't suppose you could.
Want me to start it for you?
If you please.
You always wanna pull this here
spark down before you start,
it makes it easier.
- Oh, thank you, Henry.
- No trouble at all.
Funny how quick an engine will cool off
when you let it stand a little while.
Yes.
I didn't figure I'd have to use the choke
on a warm afternoon like this.
You always want to be careful not to leave
this here choke on too long
or the raw gas will wash the oil off
the cylinder walls and score 'em up.
Oh, thank you, Henry.
There ain't nothing
the matter with this car.
I can see that.
It's bound to start.
Oh, yes, Henry.
Ain't run out of gas, have ya?
Why, the indicator
says three quarters full.
How 'bout water?
Oh, I just put a whole lot in.
I'll have a look just the same.
Oh, is that where you put the water, Henry?
Where did you put it?
Why, um, right there where you always do.
Oh, right there, eh, where you always do?
- Yes.
- If you was a man I'd sock you right on the nose.
Oh, ah, Henry, don't sock me, dear.
Did I do wrong?
Oh, no, you didn't do wrong,
you just do things different, that's all.
You didn't happen to put ten gallons
of gasoline in the radiator did you?
Where is the radiator, Henry?
Aw, shut up.
I gotta go get a car
and tow you outta here.
But, Henry, you're not gonna leave me
just sitting here, are you?
It'll be dark in a couple of minutes.
"Where is the radiator?
It was awfully good of you to let me
drive back with you, Henry.
I don't know how I'm going
to get along without you.
You get along all right.
I know, dear, but I'll miss you so.
You don't think it's gonna
be so easy for me, do you?
I hope not.
I hope you just fade away.
What's the use of talking like that?
You know it ain't fit that we should
splice up and what ain't fit I don't do.
Well, why isn't it fit?
Well, think of the
hullabaloo it would make.
Oh, what of it,
I've been in the papers all my life.
Well, I ain't.
And I don't aim for us to
be nobody's comic strip.
Give people a laugh
with their morning coffee.
You wouldn't care about that
if you really loved me.
I wouldn't really love you
if I didn't care about it.
Well, I can't beg you, Henry.
I don't want you to, honey.
I'd rather be your husband
than governor of Missouri.
Well, I should think so.
Cheer up, baby, you
look like a thunder cloud.
These theatrical guys will cast you for
an offstage noise if you're not careful.
I shouldn't have come, Millie.
Bertie was so mad when I told him,
there's no telling what he might do.
Look, which is the better pal to you?
Me or Bertie?
Lord Rockingham's party, please.
Yes, madam, right this way.
I wish you'd stay for supper
after all your trouble.
No, no, no, knowing better if I were
to leave them here with you for a while.
You see, if I were here they'd be too,
uh, well, too impressed to be natural.
Yes. Yes, that will do, waiter.
Enter.
Why, girls, I am so pleased to see you.
Hello, Rocky, the Grand Duke in person,
Alice, not a picture.
Say, Ms. O'Neil, you know,
I've heard a lot about you, Ms. O'Neil.
Thank you, Lord Rockingham.
She's gotten a load of you too, baby.
Now, girls, I want you
to meet my friend, Mr. Williams.
Ms. O'Neil and Ms. Montgomery.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
And Mr. Vincent.
Pardon me, I didn't get the name.
Vincent, Lionel Vincent.
Lionel?
I bet you're the king of beasts,
you great big wild thing.
Well, I have sad news for you girls.
I'm afraid I must be popping.
- We'll see you later.
- Righty-ho, have a jolly time.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
Sit, sit, won't you sit down, Ms. O'Neil?
Thank you.
And M... Yes.
Lionel.
How that man gets
from place to place I don't know.
I was always taught human muscles couldn't
work without getting messages from a brain.
I see you are not without perspicacity.
- What nice girl is?
- Oh.
After all them hot dogs you put away.
But that was hours ago.
You know just as well
as I do it ain't fitting.
Stop talking so much, I'm hungry.
- Come on, Henry.
- But listen, this is a swell dump.
I can't take you in here.
Oh, please.
I tell you it ain't...
Oh, please, Henry.
Oh, all right.
I don't see why I'm so weak.
Say, is Rockingham's party here yet?
Steady, young man.
I want to know if
Rockingham's party is here yet.
Bertie!
Hello, Sis!
What's the idea,
you want to be in on the massacre?
No, you come with us, dear.
I have something terribly
important to tell you.
No, I'm gonna stay right here.
You heard her, brother.
- Do you want a sock in the eye too?
- Oh, please.
Bertie, this is Henry.
Henry?
Oh, say, listen, you're the very fella
I've been wanting to see.
Listen, listen, Henry, we've got to find
a last name for you, Henry.
How are you gonna get
married without a last name?
Don't you worry about that, brother.
May we have a private dining room, please?
- Yes, miss.
- Thank you.
You know, Mr. Williams, you don't look
to me like theatrical men.
No? What do we look like?
More like the cloak and suit trade.
What?
Well, there's no harm in being a drummer.
It's good, safe work.
Unless some husband
catches you at it, Harry.
My name is not Harry.
No, I know, but somehow
I can't help thinking of you as Harry,
talking about drummers I guess.
Remember, I told you about Harry.
He was a menace to women too,
you cute little devil.
He traveled in BVD.
Nonsense.
There's a law against that sort of thing.
I just love this man, he's so pure.
Sit down, sit down.
I've never seen you
on the stage, Ms. O'Neil,
what did you appear in last?
Nothing worth mentioning, Mr. Williams.
She had it all over me.
I was supposed to
appear in a couple of beads
but they were wax beads
and I'll never forget that July.
Each pearl a tear, eh?
Say...
Oh, no, Harry needs me more than you do.
I feel a great sorrow
has come into his life.
It has.
Oh, Alice, don't you just adore mean men?
Oh, Harry is really an
angel, Ms. Montgomery.
He is? What shows has he bagged?
Oh, Harry!
Millie, stop clowning.
I'm sure it's not hard to tell
you're here for business reasons.
If you want a job, ask for it.
Here, Bertie, you drink this, darling.
There.
- Henry?
- No thanks.
Oh, go on, have some coffee, Mister...
Mister?
What'd you say your name was?
Morgan, I told you before
my name's Henry Morgan.
Oh, yes, yes, Morgan, Morgan.
Are you related to a bank?
No, to a garage, my old man owns it.
He'll give me half interest any time
I go back home to Birdville.
Oh, I know I'm just gonna love
living in Birdville.
No, thank you.
- Oh, you don't drink?
- No.
You can't blame her, Mr. Williams.
Put her boyfriend in a dog show and
he'd take the blue ribbon for rum-hound.
Millie!
That's enough.
Oh, I'm not blaming Bertie, kid.
I'll bet it's his family's
fault he's a souse.
He says he got an uncle
who ought to be cremated.
Oh, my Harry, oh God.
Stop it, stop it I say!
Stop it! Stop it!
Oh, you all right, baby?
Is this young man very attached to you,
Ms. O'Neil?
Attached?
Just like Harry and me.
Why don't you two dance?
No, no, I don't care to
dance, I don't feel well.
Maybe it's your liver, Harry.
If you dance the way I think you do,
it will do it a world of good.
No, no, go away, go away.
Oh, I get it, you little cut up.
You'd rather sit it out
with me while they dance.
Oh good heavens, I'd love to dance.
I've never felt more
like dancing in all my life.
I simply must dance.
That's my big, vital Harry, come on!
I am very glad that they've left us alone,
Ms. O'Neil.
I have a confession to make.
You really didn't look like
theatrical men to me, Mr. Williams.
Thank you.
As a matter of fact,
I'm a friend of the Lenox family.
I see.
That explains this.
Yes.
They are very worried.
I'd be worried too, if my son drank
the way Bertie does.
Yes, they didn't realize
about that drinking.
That's unfortunate.
Now take my advice, Mister, Mister Morgan.
If my little sister wants to marry you,
you grab her quick
before some other big stiff.
I'm going.
Now don't you think you can forget Rocky
for just a minute, Bertie?
I only meant I was going home.
You better let us take you then.
You get him to the car, honey,
I'll wait and pay the check.
Don't hold me so tight.
Harry, don't you dare pull any more
of that innocent stuff on me.
You know what it is to knock around.
Oh, this is terrible, we must go.
- We must go at once.
- Well, Harry, what's the matter? Come back here!
Bronson, Bronson...
Harry, don't you love me anymore?
I haven't any time now, just a minute.
Bronson, this is no place for us.
We must leave at once.
Why, Harry?
He's gone!
Oh, look!
Bertie.
Since when did you turn
into a theatrical agent?
I'm sorry, Mr. Williams.
Mr. Williams, eh?
Of course you wouldn't use your own name.
What do you mean talking like that?
- That's my business.
- Bertie, control yourself, you don't understand.
Oh, I understand all right
and if you weren't my father I'd...
- Your father?
- Yes, and my slinky uncle,
it makes a pretty picture, doesn't it?
I didn't know it was your father, Bertie.
- No, I suppose not.
- Bertie, listen to me.
I'm here only to save you
and this young woman from a mistake
that you'll regret all
the rest of your lives.
Oh, so that's it, is it?
Well, you know that promise I made you?
Well, it's off.
Why... why, Father.
So this is where you spend your evenings.
Marion, what are you doing here?
Well, as long as this seems to be a
family affair, I might as well tell you.
I, uh...
Well, I've been getting
myself engaged to Henry.
Who is this young man, Marion?
I don't quite place him.
I'm Henry Morgan, sir, the mechanic
you hired a few days ago.
This is more than I can stand.
Harry, wait for baby!
Oh, come on, Sis, there's no use
trying to make them understand.
Alice, will you marry me tonight?
No, Bertie, I won't.
So he's gotten around you too, has he?
You must be pretty proud of yourself.
The only decent thing I've ever wanted
in my life you've taken away from me.
Well, now I'm through with you.
I'm through with both of you.
And now I'm going to the devil
and the sooner I get
there, the gladder I'll be.
- Son!
- Bertie, wait a minute!
Say, if I ever talked to my old man
that way, he'd whale the tar out of me.
My children would be
better off if I'd done that.
Well, nothing you could do would make me
change my mind about Henry.
But Marion, this is impossible.
I know it's a shock, Dad, but...
I can't help loving him.
No, I suppose not.
How about you, Morgan?
How can you be sure that
she knows her own mind?
She's already been engaged
to a half a dozen other fellas.
Now listen, Dad, that was different.
I know my own mind now.
- Be still, Marion.
- I won't be still, you can't make me be still.
- I'm going to marry Henry...
- You heard your father, be still.
All right, honey, if you want me to.
But how can we get married
if this thing isn't settled?
We're not gonna be
married, we're gonna wait.
You're a very wise young man.
Why can't you be sensible, Marion?
Have I ever done anything sensible?
Of course, I know it isn't sensible to
marry a mechanic and live in Birdville.
But it's my one chance to be
somebody real and useful.
I'm sick of everything
here, I'm bored to death.
- Wish I'd never been born.
- Is that any way to talk?
Well, will you marry me
then, Henry, right away?
I told you before, we're gonna wait.
All right.
You win, but you'll be sorry.
I don't care what becomes of me now.
I'll go to the devil with Bertie, I will.
You'll see.
You'll see!
One for you, one for you, one for you,
one for myself.
Go ahead, have a drink,
I got a new customer.
- Is that gratitude?
- Wait a minute,
wait a minute now, ladies and gentlemen.
Just a minute, there's nothing
now to worry about or get excited over.
We're not gonna arrest anybody here,
only those that are drunk and disorderly.
All right, boys, check up on them.
- Let him go, officer.
- Go on, get out of here.
I've had enough of you, come on, get up.
This disgrace will kill Carrie.
All right, once you get down the hall,
search all the rooms.
Stop climbing over me!
Why, Harry, fancy meeting you here.
Oh, Harry, you tickle!
Get off of my glasses,
I can't see a thing without them!
Oh, Harry's here, alone at last!
- Not a minute too soon.
- What do you mean?
You tell that to the judge.
- But you can't arrest me.
- I can't, eh?
This is the most immoral act
I have ever seen in my life.
Immoral act, how dare you!
- Get out.
- I refuse to leave this room.
I scarcely know this lady.
What's so funny, sister?
Oh, I have to tell you.
Now, Officer, you're making a mistake.
You'll regret this!
You'll regret this, Officer, I tell you.
Will you give me that back,
that don't belong to you, that's my stuff.
Hey, keep your hands off that.
- What is it?
- The place is being raided, the police!
- Yes, but where's Marion?
- With Bertie, I just saw them being arrested.
They're taking them to the police station.
- To the police station?
- Yes!
Well, I'll get them out of it all right. Here,
Morgan, you take care of this young lady.
Yes.
They've taken Bertie.
And Marion.
Let's go!
I insist on your calling me a taxi!
This is your taxi!
Why, what's the matter, Harry,
this is a great chance to see life!
- This is the last straw!
- Get in there.
- Let's go.
- All right, go ahead.
Say, think of the headline!
And what will Uncle George say!
Don't mind what George'll say, get inside.
All right, mac, let her go.
This is all your fault, young man,
you're guilty of all this.
I'm guilty of your immoral conduct?
Oh, please, Uncle George.
Come on, you, the judge wants to see you.
Oh, how nice of him,
I thought I made an impression.
Not you, her.
Come on.
You too.
Back up, you.
Well, how about me, Officer,
didn't the judge say something about me?
If he did, the officer's too much
of a gentlemen to repeat it.
If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be in here.
It's just like you said it was,
Judge, honest it is.
We're almost as much to blame.
We should've known they were
too excited to take things right.
Well, Judge Summer, I hope you're getting
enough bail out of Dad to buy a new jail.
Yes, you certainly do need one.
You might be a little more respectful
to Judge Summers,
after he was kind enough
to get out of bed to come here.
Furthermore, no matter how much bail
I'm willing to pay
it won't do you any good.
Well, what do you mean?
It might sober you up a little bit
to know that all the offenders
are to be held here overnight.
Uncle George, Bertie,
think of Uncle George.
Uncle George overnight.
Whatever you do, Judge,
don't keep him in the same cell with me
- 'cause I want to get some sleep.
- Young man.
Don't you realize what this means?
The papers are bound
to get hold of this story.
Oh, I must have some new photographs
taken for them.
Don't bother to have many taken, Sis.
In time, we'll be such
an old story to the papers
they'll stop featuring us.
Lucky you're not married
to me, Bertie Lenox.
- If you talk like that I...
- If we were married
there wouldn't be any reason
for my talking like that, that's just it.
That ain't no excuse at all.
Suppose you apologize
for talking so smart like.
I won't.
You heard me, kid.
I'm sorry, Judge Summers,
and Dad.
Bertie, suppose you apologize too.
I'm ashamed of you.
Well, that goes for me too.
That will do, Jensen, take them back.
Come on, Sis.
I've already told you that I don't want you
to treat my children
any differently from the others,
Judge Summers, and I don't.
I want you to treat them exactly
as you'd treat any other two children.
Why, what are you getting at, Mr. Lenox?
This.
If you knew that tomorrow
they were going to be married
to two fine young people
who would either turn them into useful,
happy human beings
or... or whale the tar out of them,
what would you say?
Well, I'd say, Mr. Lenox,
that I think it would do them far more good
than a night in jail.
I was sure you would.
Now suppose I go and
have a little talk with them
and tell them that everything is all right.
Thank you.
Henry, I've been very foolish
and small-minded about this whole business
and I hope you two will forgive me.
Of course, Mr. Lenox.
Sure I'll forgive you, Mr. Lenox,
but I can't marry your daughter.
You can't marry my daughter?
And who are you, young man?
Great heavens, Carrie,
what are you doing here?
Why shouldn't I be here?
Everyone else in my family is,
unless Arthur was mistaken.
Rockingham, that idiot.
Who is this, Bronson?
I insist upon knowing.
This is Henry Morgan, Carrie.
The young mechanic I told you I'd hired.
A mechanic and Marion?
Oh, this is too much I can't bear it,
I can't bear it!
You don't have to, lady,
I just said I wasn't gonna marry her.
Why, why, how dare you!
And this is Ms. O'Neil, no doubt Arthur
was kind enough to explain about her.
Bertie's chorus girl.
- I want to tell you something.
- I advise you to be careful.
She's a much better behaved young woman
than your own daughter
and I don't want any difficulty
in persuading her to marry our son.
In persuading her?
You mean to tell me
you don't want to marry Bertie?
I want to marry him,
Mrs. Lenox, I love him.
In spite of the fact
he's a drunken little fool.
- But after tonight I...
- My son, a drunken little fool?
You realize you're talking of a Lenox.
Why, think of your family.
That's just what I'm doing,
my mother would never get over the disgrace
if I married a man like Bertie.
My old man would feel
the same way about Marion.
They've got pretty high standards
back in Birdville.
Why, why, you impertinent...
Oh, sorry, Mrs. Lenox, but you see,
I aim to make something out of myself
and I want a wife I can be proud of.
I see, you mean that my daughter
isn't good enough for you, is that it?
Oh, she could be good enough if she tried.
You don't understand that girl.
What she needs is to wrestle
with something tough and get sweat on.
That's what Bertie needs too.
Oh, Bronson,
I'm going to be ill, desperately ill.
But it seems to me that if you
really loved them, then you'd realize...
It wouldn't work, Mr. Lenox.
But I'm depending on you two.
Stop it, Bronson, are you insane?
I have been but I've recovered.
I realized that Marion
and Bertie are right.
These marriages may
be their one big chance.
You haven't recovered,
you're raving mad, Bronson.
Now listen to me, Carrie, it's going
to take quite a man to manage Marion,
and Henry seems to be that man.
As for Bertie, Alice is the only person
who has any decent influence over him.
I wouldn't have it long, Mr. Lenox,
not when Bertie has all the money he has.
If he had something to work for
it would be different.
He loves me enough to do it if he had to.
But he doesn't have to.
She said a mouthful!
Oh, I like money all right,
but when I'm marrying
I want to be the guy that has it.
Well, how's Marion gonna be a good wife
unless she respects me?
And how is she gonna respect me
if she has more than me?
I see, it all boils itself down to the fact
that you won't marry my children
because they have money.
I was gonna be fool enough to do it,
but now I realize what a handful Marion is,
you gotta excuse me.
That's the way I feel
about it too, Mr. Lenox.
- Why, why...
- Yes.
Your children can't believe it's true,
Mr. Lenox.
They refuse to leave their cells unless
these two young people go after them.
It isn't true.
What do you think, Judge Summers,
my son and my daughter
have been refused by a chorus girl
and a common laborer.
They're not good enough for them.
Well, by heavens if they're as worthless as
all that, they're not good enough for me.
- Bronson.
- What do you mean, sir?
I mean, that I see them for the first time
as they are:
Selfish, spoiled, useless little fools
without a bit of good in them.
- Don't talk like that about my children.
- No, Bertie's not that bad, Mr. Lenox.
- Neither is Marion.
- We'll see whether they are or not.
They haven't appreciated
one thing I've done for them.
All right, let them get out
and make good on their own.
- Do I understand you right, sir?
- You do
if you understand that I'm through
with my children.
I never want to see them again
and I'll never give them another penny until
I'm sure that they've come to their senses.
Do you hear that, Henry?
You ain't got the heart of a rattle snake.
What you're doing to this poor little girl
is the lowest down, meanest,
most contemptible thing
I ever heard in my life!
Judge, that wedding's on, I'll show him
how much I care for his rotten money!
So will I, Bertie needs me now
and just try and take him away from me.
What, why, Mr. Lenox, you mean that you...
- Why, certainly.
- Masterly, Mr. Lenox, masterly.
You know, there's fine stuff
in those two young people.
- Yes.
- Why, Mrs. Lenox.
- I'll get some ammonia.
- Oh, no, don't bother, Judge.
Come on, Carrie, it's not going to do you
a bit of good this time.
- What did you say, Bronson?
- You heard me, kid.
- Why, Bronson!
- Yes, yes.
You know what I mean.
Oh, gee, I love you.
You're such a fool.
Hello?
What do you mean,
they're still busy?
Oh, they can't be busy all night.
Now... now listen, operator,
be a sport, try again, will you?
This is my girl,
I wanna talk to her.
Sure.
That's fine.
Call me back as soon as you get her.
Okay.
Oh, no, no, please,
the next dance!
Oh, the happy bride-to-be!
- Oh, shut up.
- Tell me, Sis.
How's Lord Fauntleroy, the big stiff?
How can you bear to be separated
even for a moment
from that beanpole?
Now, let me alone,
can't you see I'm not fooling?
I... oh, I don't know
what's the matter with me.
Oh, gee, Sis, I'm sorry.
Here, I'll fix you a drink,
it'll cheer you up.
No?
All right, here's how.
A short life and a merry one.
From where I'm sitting,
it looks like a long and dreary one.
Listen, Sis.
That's because you're not in love.
Maybe you're right.
I don't suppose I ever will be.
Got to get married sometime.
I used to think that maybe
the right man would come along someday.
Well, I'll keep on waiting and looking.
Even after you're married to that fellow?
Well, why not?
He's only marrying me
for the money anyway.
And I'm only marrying him because...
well, because...
Mother and Uncle George
want a title in the family.
Well, here's to Uncle George.
May he slip on a banana peel
and break his neck.
Uncle George could never slip
on anything as unrefined as that.
Oh, there's Alice.
Hello, darling.
You're darned tootin'
I still want Long Beach.
I've been wanting 'em for hours.
Well, I know they're there.
Yes, ring 'em again,
will you, operator?
Call me back.
What service.
27, 28, 29... phew!
Well, hot or cold,
all men are alike.
Oh, Millie, I think you're
being mean and rotten.
It isn't Bertie's fault
he takes a drink now and then.
All his crowd does.
He was brought up that way.
He has more money
than is good for him
and he's never had anyone to answer to.
Why, you can't expect him
to change in a minute.
He's a Grade A number one souse.
Would you pardon me, dearie?
I've got ten of these to do.
If Bertie ever took a drink of water,
it'd poison him.
I won't have you talking
about him that way, Millie.
He's going to pull himself up,
and when he does,
- I'll marry him.
- Whoopie!
And a load of horsefeathers... oh!
Listen. When that bird marries you,
I'll take the veil.
You know, it's all right
for a chorus girl to be a sap.
In our business,
you don't need brains, only legs.
But there are times, Alice,
when you're that dumb
I could give you
a good sock in the nose.
- Millie.
- Now, listen, baby brain.
When a guy like Bertie Lenox
trails a girl like you,
he's strictly on the make, see?
- Millie, I don't want you to talk like that.
- All right, all right.
But the only orange blossoms you'll ever
see will come out of a cocktail shaker.
Millie, I can't stand it,
it isn't fair.
Why don't you let me alone?
Oh, Alice, I'm sorry,
but you know...
Hello?
Oh, just a minute.
Here you are, baby,
it's your boyfriend.
Hello? Hello, Bertie?
No. It's nothing.
Millie's been teasing me again.
Well, cheer up.
Yeah, I'm coming over
and I'll bring a couple of bottles.
We can toast to Marion over there.
Sure, we'll make whoopee.
'Course I'm not tight!
No! I've only had a few drinks
to congratulate my sister.
You can't let your sister get engaged
without congratulating her, can you?
'Course not!
Well, Marion, Alice
wants to congratulate you.
Just a minute, Alice, she's right here.
Hello, Alice.
I'm so happy for you.
Isn't it wonderful?
Tell me, are you...
terribly, terribly in love?
Why, of course I am!
Well, I wouldn't be getting married if
I weren't just terribly in love, would I?
Oh, thank you. Goodbye.
Am I terribly, terribly in love?
Oh yes.
You won't forget that little bit
about the lion and the eagle, will you?
Jolly good if I do say so myself.
No, we won't forget that
for a long time, Lord Rockingham.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Thank you very much.
Yes indeed.
Carrie, are you sure that Rockingham
is the right man for Marion?
Why, Bronson!
Arthur is a member
of one of the oldest...
and most conservative
families of Europe.
Yes, and just think how old Europe is!
I'm surprised at your attitude, Bronson.
A girl as unmanageable as Marion
might easily have married
some perfectly impossible person.
It's a thing that's been known to happen
even to the best people.
I know all that.
But I'm still not sure
that I want that man
to be the father of my grandchildren.
Bronson, don't be difficult.
Oh, there you are, old thing!
Oh dear. How the deuce am I to know
to whom I'm engaged
if you pass this around
among your friends?
You know, it would be devilish annoying
if I have to kiss the wrong girl.
Depends on her taste, Rocky.
- It probably would be annoying.
- Her taste?
Oh yes... lipstick, of course,
You know, you know,
I didn't quite get you at first.
You haven't quite got me yet.
Never mind that.
It won't be long until the wedding.
Rocky...
are you terribly, terribly much
in love with me?
Why, what a strange question.
Yes. That seems to be the general opinion.
I'm going.
- I don't follow.
- Good.
- Look here, what's the matter?
- Rocky, please don't touch me.
Let me go, will you?
- Let me go, Rocky.
- Blast it all, you can't treat me like this!
Who says she can't,
you big stiff?
Bertie, please don't start anything.
I'm all mixed up.
Come on, I wanna go get some air.
Sure, kid.
But...
Wonderful party, Rockingham.
I say, Grafton.
What would you do
if someone called you "a large stiff"?
A what?
A large stiff.
Why, I... I'd refuse to meet him socially.
Well, I can't refuse to meet
my future brother-in-law.
You mean, Bertie called you a...
a large stiff?
Yes. I suppose his associations
are responsible for his manner.
His associations?
Well, of course,
it's none of my business,
but as I'm practically
a member of the family,
I think that you should know the worst.
Bertie is going to marry a chorus girl.
A chorus girl?
Oh, this is dreadful, I... but...
are you absolutely sure?
Who is she?
Do you know her?
Well, it so happens that I know
her roommate... That is, very slightly.
It can't... it can't be true.
Well, there's not a
shadow of a doubt in it.
They're constantly seen lunching,
teaing, dining, and dancing together.
Every club in town is buzzing with it.
Where is Bertie?
He just left here with Marion.
Marion has left her own engagement party?
This is dreadful.
It will kill her mother,
we mustn't tell her.
This is dreadful, we...
we must do something.
Yes, but what?
We must think.
An excellent suggestion.
Rockingham, are you thinking?
- I think so.
- Good.
Come in, Sis, Alice'll be glad to see you.
No, Bertie.
I want to be alone.
I don't know what's the matter with me.
Do you know,
I've never felt like this before.
Oh, sure, I understand.
You drive on home, Sis,
and I'll taxi it back.
Oh... oh, you'd better take this,
it's turning cool.
Thanks.
- Good night.
- Good night.
I wouldn't leave my car
on that loose sand too long, ma'am.
You're apt to get stuck.
I can take care of my own car, thank you.
Yes, ma'am. You sure can.
Yes, ma'am.
I can see from the way you handle that stick
that an automobile has no secrets for you.
Sure gives me pleasure
to see you so expert.
It's a wonderful thing, the way gals are
improving their learning these days.
Used to be when a gal got stuck,
she'd ask the nearest man to help her.
Oh, you haven't got
a cigarette about you, have you?
There's a package on the seat of the car.
Thank you. Thank you.
Sure do like to smoke after a swim.
Can't think of anything nicer
than having just one.
And sitting here smoking
and watching a pretty girl repairing a car.
Oh, shut up.
I've never heard such a gabby, useless,
stupid, boorish, big idiot in all my life!
Why don't you get up and help me,
you big boob?
Who, me?
You want I should help you?
I thought you told me
to mind my own business.
I don't mind helping you
if you're sure it won't spoil your fun.
I'll give you ten dollars
if you get this car out of here.
No, ma'am.
- Twenty.
- No, ma'am.
How much do you want,
you big grafter?
All you got to do
is say you're sorry you was rude to me.
I'm sorry.
And furthermore, you got to say
you don't know nothing about cars at all.
- Just for your own good.
- I won't do it.
Then set there.
I don't know anything about cars.
At all.
At all.
Now we can commence.
- Can you get it out of here?
- I can try.
Now, you put this little
board under the wheel.
But how can I?
It's stuck in the sand.
It ain't gonna be there long.
Now, when the wheel comes up,
you stick the board under.
- You flatter yourself.
- Be that as it may,
when that wheel comes up,
you stick the board under.
Yes, sir.
There.
You know why men was made
stronger than women?
- Why?
- 'Cause they never was intended
for to be their equal,
don't forget that.
Women was intended to be ornaments,
to charm their men
in their lighter moments
and soothe them when they're tired.
I don't like you.
Yes, ma'am?
You make me sick.
Yes, ma'am?
I never want to see you again.
Yes, ma'am.
You come swimming here every night?
Mostly.
Well, then I'll avoid this place hereafter.
It's okay with me.
Will you be swimming here tomorrow night?
Sure will.
I wouldn't miss my swim for anything.
- Oh, before I forget.
- Yes, ma'am?
I think you're a big mug.
When I think of how poor Arthur
must be suffering,
oh, I can't bear it,
I can't bear it, I can't bear it!
Now, now, Carrie,
Marion can take care of herself.
There's nothing to be upset about.
How can you say such a thing?
To leave her own party
and rush off into the night like a...
Hyena.
- Keep your feathers on, George.
- Don't be a fool.
- I have no feathers.
- It's unforgivable, simply unforgivable.
And of course, nobody believed
that story about her sudden illness.
Hello, everybody. Party over?
I suppose I'm in the wrong.
Marion. What were you thinking?
After all your father and I
- have done for you?
- I'm sorry I left,
but I couldn't stand it any longer,
I had to get away.
Well, I... I can't just explain it,
but everything seemed to be
crowding in around me,
I had to get out,
I just thought I'd choke.
You understand.
Don't you, Dad?
Of course I do.
Now, you run upstairs
like a good little girl
and get a good night's sleep, huh?
Thank you, Father.
- Good night.
- Good night.
What is the matter with her?
Oh, there's nothing the
matter with her, George.
It's just that she's tired
of this sort of thing, that's all.
I know how she feels.
I'd like to get away myself sometimes.
Bronson!
Well, I... I'm sorry, Carrie.
Good night.
I don't know what the boy's been up to,
but I know that he would never think
of marrying that kind of woman.
After all, George,
he's my son, Carrie's son.
Oh, just a minute, Bertie.
What is it?
Something little boys shouldn't hear?
Sit down.
We've been talking about you.
Your uncle tells me that there's a rumor
that you're engaged to a chorus girl.
Well, it's more than a rumor, Dad... I am.
I'm sure you don't
mean that literally, son.
You needn't be afraid to tell me.
It's just a little adventure, eh?
No, sir, it isn't just a little adventure.
I suppose you're not paying her bills.
She's not that kind.
None of them are.
I'll take your word for it, son,
but you know what it will mean to
your mother if this affair goes on.
Well, Mother's got to stand for it
sooner or later.
You intend to marry this girl?
I do.
Do you realize what you're doing, Bertie?
Perfectly, sir.
I appreciate that you've
always been honest with me.
I've always trusted you,
I always want to.
But I can't pretend
that this isn't pretty much of a blow.
Well, I realize that, Dad,
but if you knew Alice...
I'd rather not talk about it.
All I ask is that you don't get married
without first letting me know.
Very well, sir.
Thank you, son.
- Good night.
- Good night, Dad.
Good night, Uncle George.
Well? Do you believe me now?
What are you going to do?
- I don't know.
- But I do.
You've got to get hold of this girl,
pay her, and get her out of the way.
- Yes, but how?
- Rockingham is going to arrange it.
- Rockingham?
- Yes. He knows the girl she lives with.
He's going to invite them to have
dinner with us at Luigi's tomorrow night.
- What?
- It's perfectly all right.
We are supposed to be...
theatrical agents.
Friends of his.
It's not a very pleasant idea.
But I'd like to take a look at the girl.
Yes, and this way,
she'll be off her guard.
You can see just what
sort of creature she is.
I'll think it over.
Good heavens, man, don't you realize
there's no time to lose?
If this thing gets into the papers,
it will kill Carrie.
- Perhaps you're right.
- Bronson.
Isn't Marion home yet?
Why, what's the matter?
What are you two talking about?
Just a little matter of business, Carrie.
What is it?
What's happened now?
Oh, you two are conspiring.
I can't bear it,
I can't bear it,
- I can't bear it!
- Now, now, now, Carrie, do be reasonable.
Something has happened.
I insist upon knowing the truth,
I insist upon it.
Very well.
If you must know, Carrie,
George and I are planning to have supper
with a couple of chorus girls.
Bronson, why can't you ever be serious?
You and George with
a couple of chorus girls.
That's the only funny thing
I've heard for days.
Yes, it is funny, isn't it?
Good evening.
Oh, heavens, is that you?
Sure, it's me.
I thought you hung out
further up the beach.
I didn't know this was the spot
you, uh, infested.
Yes, ma'am.
You've made a bad mistake,
so if you like,
although I don't have to,
I'll drag myself up yonder.
Oh, now that you're here,
you might as well stay.
Yeah, I figured you'd
come to that conclusion.
You know, I think you're
the most objectionable man
I've ever met in all my life.
You didn't come down here
to tell me that, did you?
Yes, I did.
Yeah, I figured you would.
No woman could say enough mean things
to a man in just one night.
She'd be bound to think
of something she forgot
after she got home
and come down the next night
and bawl him out some more.
You know quite a lot
about women, don't you?
Yes, ma'am.
I've looked 'em over
hither and yon quite thoroughly.
But never have I seen one
so completely and thoroughly
and confoundedly sweet
as you all appear to be.
- Who, me?
- Yes, ma'am.
Are you trying to tell me
in that funny English you speak
that you like me?
- Those are my sentiments.
- Well, I hate you.
Fine. Now I can go for another swim.
Oh, if you had a bathing suit with you,
you could come with me.
- But you probably can't swim anyway.
- I can swim!
Like you drive a car, maybe?
I can swim better than you can.
Oh, all right.
Bring down your bathing suit sometime
and show me.
- I'm from Missouri.
- I, um... I brought my bathing suit.
In that?
Well, I ain't stopping you.
The ocean belongs to everybody.
Um, would you like me to go in with you?
You can come if you want to.
But, uh, would you like me to?
I suppose so.
Do you think I could change
here on the beach?
Well, I ain't a peeker,
if that's what you're worrying about.
Well... I'll change back of the car.
I suppose when the world was young,
Adam and Eve stood just like this
in the Garden of Eden.
What do you suppose they thought about?
I reckon about the same sort of things
we're thinking.
- What were you thinking about?
- About you.
That's funny,
I was thinking about you.
Were your thoughts respectable?
No.
Neither were mine.
Maybe we'd better go in swimming.
Maybe we had.
Oh, come on!
By the way, what's your name?
Henry.
- Mine's Marion.
- Pleased to meet you.
You don't swim bad for a girl.
You're not so rotten yourself.
I like to be by your side.
Do you like to have me by your side?
Yeah, it sort of pleases me.
I think I'd like to be by your side always.
I got some water in my ear,
I didn't hear what you said.
I said, uh... I think I'm getting tired.
Oh. Roll over and rest your head on my arm.
Oh, gee, I'm happy.
I think I'm happier than I've
ever been before in all my life.
- I am too.
- Oh...
You'll get us drowned!
We'd better turn back.
I don't want to turn back.
You turn back or I'll spank you!
Oh yeah?
Honey, I ain't afraid of no woman.
Now, you turn back or I'll swat you.
Try.
Oh yeah?
Now, you keep on going
and I'll give you some more.
Oh... oh, I'll just put my coat around me
and dry off when I get home.
Good night.
Some night.
Good heavens, Sis.
Don't tell me you're tight.
No, bud, but I guess
it feels just the same.
- What's the matter with you??
- Shh!
I'm in love.
Who with?
Henry.
Henry?
There are millions of Henrys,
Henry who?
I don't know.
Just Henry.
Come on. Sleep it off.
I'll go in the back way.
I don't want to talk to anybody.
Such a wonderful dream.
I don't ever want to wake up.
How do you take your tea, Rocky?
With just a dash of soda and no ice.
Your tea, foolish!
I'm sorry. I mean,
just a little cream and no sugar.
Is anything wrong with me, Rocky?
Um, have I aged since you saw me last?
No, but Marion, after all,
you are engaged to me, and...
Yes, you know, I seem to remember
we were engaged.
Only this morning, I noticed a ring
on my dressing table,
and I said to myself,
"Now, who gave me that?"
Then your face sort of came back to me.
Well, upon my soul!
Here, old thing.
Look here, Marion,
you're not giving me the chuck?
Sorry, but I am.
Rocky, you wouldn't want a wife
who didn't really love you,
now, would you?
Well, I... I suppose not,
but you know, it's an awful shock.
Well, it's your own fault.
You must be a weak character
or I wouldn't have lost interest in you.
Weak? I, weak?
A strong man would have held me
and made me a better woman.
But I'm no animal trainer.
No, darling. You're a whole circus.
You know, you are a comic.
You break my heart,
but you do make me laugh.
You act as if your heart's broken.
Rocky, you know, we would have lasted
about a week.
Yes, well, perhaps you're right.
I know I am.
But it was nice being engaged to you.
Why, thanks no end.
- Goodbye.
- Cheerio, and, uh,
let me know when you find
your animal trainer, will you?
Yes, I will!
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
Now listen, Alice, I won't have you running
around with every Tom, Dick, and Harry.
If you don't think any
more of me than that,
I take back what I said last night.
Goodbye.
Where's Rockingham?
Heavens, Bertie,
what's he done to you?
- You've got murder in your eye.
- He's done plenty.
Oh, well what, honey?
He's invited Alice to go to supper
with him and some friends tonight,
and she broke an engagement with me to go.
- Oh, you're joking.
- I am not.
She insists that she
owes it to Millie to go.
These birds are theatrical agents,
and Millie's persuaded her
that it might mean a better job for them.
But Rocky, the funniest
thing I've ever heard!
I don't see why you
should think it's funny.
The man is engaged to you.
But I'm not engaged to
him any longer, darling.
- What?
- No. I just broke the fatal news.
- But, Sis, you...
- Darling, I'll tell you all about it later.
Now, I've simply got to duck
before Mother finds out.
Well, I'm glad it's off,
first, because he's a total idiot,
and second, because I'm gonna
sock him in the jaw.
Now, please be sensible, Bertie.
After all, you can trust Alice.
I'll be sensible, all right.
Why, Carrie!
I'm so happy!
Marion and Arthur must have made it up!
There's a lovely sound
coming from the two little lovebirds!
"Lovebirds"?
Why, Bertie.
Where did Marion and Arthur go?
In opposite directions,
that's all I know.
Pray what do you mean, Bertie?
I... well, I think Sis would rather
that I did tell you.
Bertie! What do you mean?
Now, don't get excited, Carrie, she...
She's broken her engagement.
She's what?
She's broken her engagement.
George!
- Bronson!
- Yes. Go get the smelling salts, Bertie.
Oh, I can't bear it!
I can't bear it, I can't bear it!
Poor Carrie!
Now, don't make matters worse, George,
it's not a tragedy.
Oh, what will his family think?
Oh, it's too dreadful!
Let Bronson go speak to Marion.
He'll force her to do the right thing.
I'm certainly not going
to force my daughter
to marry a man she doesn't love.
- Bronson!
- I'm sorry, Mother,
but you had to hear it sometime.
She didn't have to hear it.
It didn't have to happen.
It wouldn't have happened if Marion
hadn't been a silly, spoiled little fool.
Now, see here, George,
don't you think that you ought to hear.
Marion's side of the story first?
I must talk to Arthur.
Where is the poor boy?
I'll see him tonight, dear,
and have a chat with him.
Oh, I can't bear it,
I can't bear it, I can't bear it!
Oh, I'm sorry, Carrie!
How much longer is it going to take you?
Hey, you under there, how much longer
is it going to take you?
Not long.
Oh, was it badly hurt?
No.
Women hadn't ought to
be allowed to drive cars.
It was a man's fault.
- Yeah, that's what women always say.
- Well, it was I tell you.
Well, have it your own way, lady.
Have it your own way.
I'll be a son of sea cook.
Henry!
Henry, Henry, come out from under there,
I want to talk you to you. Henry!
Henry, listen to me.
- Henry.
- You'll get that pretty dress of yours all dirty
under here, Ms. Lenox.
- How long have you been working here?
- Two days.
That's why you didn't know who I was then.
I heard a lot about the
wild Lenox youngster
but I hadn't figured she was
my little friend down at the beach.
Well, what difference does it make
if I am Ms. Lenox?
Henry, I don't mind
if you were a chauffer, darling.
I'm not a chauffer, I'm a mechanic
where I can build a car.
I just bet you could, dear.
What the?
That is if there was no
women around to help.
Oh, Henry, now please don't act like that.
I don't think it's fair, Henry,
come around here and talk to me.
I've got so much to say to you.
Stop hammering.
I'm helping, Henry.
Say, haven't you got some place to go?
When the car is finished.
Well, it's all finished now, Ms. Lenox.
Good, then we can talk.
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hm.
Oh, Henry.
Henry, I wouldn't try to help you
if you didn't want me to.
Say, listen, now that I think of it
what right you got to be talking like that?
Ain't you engaged to one of them dukes
or something?
Well, not anymore, Henry.
I've broken it off.
- You don't think after last night...
- It's no use.
This sort of changes things,
I guess we just kind of forgot.
The beach and the water
and the moon shining down,
that's what it was, moon shine.
You ain't got no cause to be crying, honey.
It's all right, it was just
the moon shine, I tell ya.
Shinning down and make you think
I was one of them diplomats
or millionaires or educated like a lawyer
or doctor or dentist maybe.
But I ain't, I'm just a plain,
ordinary, everyday man
and I ain't aiming to marry
no millionaire's daughter.
Why shouldn't you want to marry me?
It's not my fault if my father's rich.
Anyway, I'm fed up with lawyers
and doctors and diplomats.
Millionaires make me sick.
Henry, I don't care if you're a mechanic.
Whatever you are is good enough for me.
You don't know what you're talking about.
You couldn't marry me, it wouldn't be fit.
You mean you don't want me to.
I mean I can't have you, that's all.
Henry, oh, we can't talk very well here.
Will you meet me down at the beach tonight?
No, ma'am, not tonight or no other time.
- I am quitting the job.
- Oh, no, Henry,
No good talking, I'm quitting.
May I use your telephone, please?
Yes, ma'am, right there.
Roslyn 7421 please.
Yes, thank you.
Where are you going, Henry,
don't you like it here?
Yeah, I like it here all right.
But I gotta go for personal reasons.
There's a woman in it, I'll bet.
Yeah, so.
Now wait a minute and I'll get your keys.
Just a minute.
Yes?
Hello, is Henry there?
Yes, he's right here, ma'am, just a minute.
Must be her.
Hello?
Yeah, this is me.
Henry, you did a very bad job on my car.
I'm stuck.
I didn't do no such thing.
I fixed the car perfect.
Well, it was all right when you left here.
It ain't my fault.
Well, I'd wish you'd come and fix it.
No, I won't come down and fix it.
I told you before, I quit.
All right, if you want to take money
under false pretenses.
I'm not taking money under false pretenses.
I've never done no sloppy work.
Oh, all right, all right, I'll come down
and see whose fault it was.
Where are you?
Well, I...
I'm at that abandoned water tower
on the Merrick Road,
you know, about five
miles below Massapequa.
You'll come, won't you? Hurry.
Okay.
I suppose I gotta drive you down there.
Never mind, I'll go down in my Lizzie.
Got your repair kit?
Yeah, but I won't need 'em,
nothing the matter with that car.
It was sweet of you to come, Henry.
I'll say it was.
There was nothing the matter with this car.
Just a little grease on the distributor.
- All fixed.
- Oh, yeah?
Very clever of you, Henry.
It was stupid of me not
to find out the trouble.
You couldn't expect no woman
to understand about mechanics.
No, I don't suppose you could.
Want me to start it for you?
If you please.
You always wanna pull this here
spark down before you start,
it makes it easier.
- Oh, thank you, Henry.
- No trouble at all.
Funny how quick an engine will cool off
when you let it stand a little while.
Yes.
I didn't figure I'd have to use the choke
on a warm afternoon like this.
You always want to be careful not to leave
this here choke on too long
or the raw gas will wash the oil off
the cylinder walls and score 'em up.
Oh, thank you, Henry.
There ain't nothing
the matter with this car.
I can see that.
It's bound to start.
Oh, yes, Henry.
Ain't run out of gas, have ya?
Why, the indicator
says three quarters full.
How 'bout water?
Oh, I just put a whole lot in.
I'll have a look just the same.
Oh, is that where you put the water, Henry?
Where did you put it?
Why, um, right there where you always do.
Oh, right there, eh, where you always do?
- Yes.
- If you was a man I'd sock you right on the nose.
Oh, ah, Henry, don't sock me, dear.
Did I do wrong?
Oh, no, you didn't do wrong,
you just do things different, that's all.
You didn't happen to put ten gallons
of gasoline in the radiator did you?
Where is the radiator, Henry?
Aw, shut up.
I gotta go get a car
and tow you outta here.
But, Henry, you're not gonna leave me
just sitting here, are you?
It'll be dark in a couple of minutes.
"Where is the radiator?
It was awfully good of you to let me
drive back with you, Henry.
I don't know how I'm going
to get along without you.
You get along all right.
I know, dear, but I'll miss you so.
You don't think it's gonna
be so easy for me, do you?
I hope not.
I hope you just fade away.
What's the use of talking like that?
You know it ain't fit that we should
splice up and what ain't fit I don't do.
Well, why isn't it fit?
Well, think of the
hullabaloo it would make.
Oh, what of it,
I've been in the papers all my life.
Well, I ain't.
And I don't aim for us to
be nobody's comic strip.
Give people a laugh
with their morning coffee.
You wouldn't care about that
if you really loved me.
I wouldn't really love you
if I didn't care about it.
Well, I can't beg you, Henry.
I don't want you to, honey.
I'd rather be your husband
than governor of Missouri.
Well, I should think so.
Cheer up, baby, you
look like a thunder cloud.
These theatrical guys will cast you for
an offstage noise if you're not careful.
I shouldn't have come, Millie.
Bertie was so mad when I told him,
there's no telling what he might do.
Look, which is the better pal to you?
Me or Bertie?
Lord Rockingham's party, please.
Yes, madam, right this way.
I wish you'd stay for supper
after all your trouble.
No, no, no, knowing better if I were
to leave them here with you for a while.
You see, if I were here they'd be too,
uh, well, too impressed to be natural.
Yes. Yes, that will do, waiter.
Enter.
Why, girls, I am so pleased to see you.
Hello, Rocky, the Grand Duke in person,
Alice, not a picture.
Say, Ms. O'Neil, you know,
I've heard a lot about you, Ms. O'Neil.
Thank you, Lord Rockingham.
She's gotten a load of you too, baby.
Now, girls, I want you
to meet my friend, Mr. Williams.
Ms. O'Neil and Ms. Montgomery.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
And Mr. Vincent.
Pardon me, I didn't get the name.
Vincent, Lionel Vincent.
Lionel?
I bet you're the king of beasts,
you great big wild thing.
Well, I have sad news for you girls.
I'm afraid I must be popping.
- We'll see you later.
- Righty-ho, have a jolly time.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
Sit, sit, won't you sit down, Ms. O'Neil?
Thank you.
And M... Yes.
Lionel.
How that man gets
from place to place I don't know.
I was always taught human muscles couldn't
work without getting messages from a brain.
I see you are not without perspicacity.
- What nice girl is?
- Oh.
After all them hot dogs you put away.
But that was hours ago.
You know just as well
as I do it ain't fitting.
Stop talking so much, I'm hungry.
- Come on, Henry.
- But listen, this is a swell dump.
I can't take you in here.
Oh, please.
I tell you it ain't...
Oh, please, Henry.
Oh, all right.
I don't see why I'm so weak.
Say, is Rockingham's party here yet?
Steady, young man.
I want to know if
Rockingham's party is here yet.
Bertie!
Hello, Sis!
What's the idea,
you want to be in on the massacre?
No, you come with us, dear.
I have something terribly
important to tell you.
No, I'm gonna stay right here.
You heard her, brother.
- Do you want a sock in the eye too?
- Oh, please.
Bertie, this is Henry.
Henry?
Oh, say, listen, you're the very fella
I've been wanting to see.
Listen, listen, Henry, we've got to find
a last name for you, Henry.
How are you gonna get
married without a last name?
Don't you worry about that, brother.
May we have a private dining room, please?
- Yes, miss.
- Thank you.
You know, Mr. Williams, you don't look
to me like theatrical men.
No? What do we look like?
More like the cloak and suit trade.
What?
Well, there's no harm in being a drummer.
It's good, safe work.
Unless some husband
catches you at it, Harry.
My name is not Harry.
No, I know, but somehow
I can't help thinking of you as Harry,
talking about drummers I guess.
Remember, I told you about Harry.
He was a menace to women too,
you cute little devil.
He traveled in BVD.
Nonsense.
There's a law against that sort of thing.
I just love this man, he's so pure.
Sit down, sit down.
I've never seen you
on the stage, Ms. O'Neil,
what did you appear in last?
Nothing worth mentioning, Mr. Williams.
She had it all over me.
I was supposed to
appear in a couple of beads
but they were wax beads
and I'll never forget that July.
Each pearl a tear, eh?
Say...
Oh, no, Harry needs me more than you do.
I feel a great sorrow
has come into his life.
It has.
Oh, Alice, don't you just adore mean men?
Oh, Harry is really an
angel, Ms. Montgomery.
He is? What shows has he bagged?
Oh, Harry!
Millie, stop clowning.
I'm sure it's not hard to tell
you're here for business reasons.
If you want a job, ask for it.
Here, Bertie, you drink this, darling.
There.
- Henry?
- No thanks.
Oh, go on, have some coffee, Mister...
Mister?
What'd you say your name was?
Morgan, I told you before
my name's Henry Morgan.
Oh, yes, yes, Morgan, Morgan.
Are you related to a bank?
No, to a garage, my old man owns it.
He'll give me half interest any time
I go back home to Birdville.
Oh, I know I'm just gonna love
living in Birdville.
No, thank you.
- Oh, you don't drink?
- No.
You can't blame her, Mr. Williams.
Put her boyfriend in a dog show and
he'd take the blue ribbon for rum-hound.
Millie!
That's enough.
Oh, I'm not blaming Bertie, kid.
I'll bet it's his family's
fault he's a souse.
He says he got an uncle
who ought to be cremated.
Oh, my Harry, oh God.
Stop it, stop it I say!
Stop it! Stop it!
Oh, you all right, baby?
Is this young man very attached to you,
Ms. O'Neil?
Attached?
Just like Harry and me.
Why don't you two dance?
No, no, I don't care to
dance, I don't feel well.
Maybe it's your liver, Harry.
If you dance the way I think you do,
it will do it a world of good.
No, no, go away, go away.
Oh, I get it, you little cut up.
You'd rather sit it out
with me while they dance.
Oh good heavens, I'd love to dance.
I've never felt more
like dancing in all my life.
I simply must dance.
That's my big, vital Harry, come on!
I am very glad that they've left us alone,
Ms. O'Neil.
I have a confession to make.
You really didn't look like
theatrical men to me, Mr. Williams.
Thank you.
As a matter of fact,
I'm a friend of the Lenox family.
I see.
That explains this.
Yes.
They are very worried.
I'd be worried too, if my son drank
the way Bertie does.
Yes, they didn't realize
about that drinking.
That's unfortunate.
Now take my advice, Mister, Mister Morgan.
If my little sister wants to marry you,
you grab her quick
before some other big stiff.
I'm going.
Now don't you think you can forget Rocky
for just a minute, Bertie?
I only meant I was going home.
You better let us take you then.
You get him to the car, honey,
I'll wait and pay the check.
Don't hold me so tight.
Harry, don't you dare pull any more
of that innocent stuff on me.
You know what it is to knock around.
Oh, this is terrible, we must go.
- We must go at once.
- Well, Harry, what's the matter? Come back here!
Bronson, Bronson...
Harry, don't you love me anymore?
I haven't any time now, just a minute.
Bronson, this is no place for us.
We must leave at once.
Why, Harry?
He's gone!
Oh, look!
Bertie.
Since when did you turn
into a theatrical agent?
I'm sorry, Mr. Williams.
Mr. Williams, eh?
Of course you wouldn't use your own name.
What do you mean talking like that?
- That's my business.
- Bertie, control yourself, you don't understand.
Oh, I understand all right
and if you weren't my father I'd...
- Your father?
- Yes, and my slinky uncle,
it makes a pretty picture, doesn't it?
I didn't know it was your father, Bertie.
- No, I suppose not.
- Bertie, listen to me.
I'm here only to save you
and this young woman from a mistake
that you'll regret all
the rest of your lives.
Oh, so that's it, is it?
Well, you know that promise I made you?
Well, it's off.
Why... why, Father.
So this is where you spend your evenings.
Marion, what are you doing here?
Well, as long as this seems to be a
family affair, I might as well tell you.
I, uh...
Well, I've been getting
myself engaged to Henry.
Who is this young man, Marion?
I don't quite place him.
I'm Henry Morgan, sir, the mechanic
you hired a few days ago.
This is more than I can stand.
Harry, wait for baby!
Oh, come on, Sis, there's no use
trying to make them understand.
Alice, will you marry me tonight?
No, Bertie, I won't.
So he's gotten around you too, has he?
You must be pretty proud of yourself.
The only decent thing I've ever wanted
in my life you've taken away from me.
Well, now I'm through with you.
I'm through with both of you.
And now I'm going to the devil
and the sooner I get
there, the gladder I'll be.
- Son!
- Bertie, wait a minute!
Say, if I ever talked to my old man
that way, he'd whale the tar out of me.
My children would be
better off if I'd done that.
Well, nothing you could do would make me
change my mind about Henry.
But Marion, this is impossible.
I know it's a shock, Dad, but...
I can't help loving him.
No, I suppose not.
How about you, Morgan?
How can you be sure that
she knows her own mind?
She's already been engaged
to a half a dozen other fellas.
Now listen, Dad, that was different.
I know my own mind now.
- Be still, Marion.
- I won't be still, you can't make me be still.
- I'm going to marry Henry...
- You heard your father, be still.
All right, honey, if you want me to.
But how can we get married
if this thing isn't settled?
We're not gonna be
married, we're gonna wait.
You're a very wise young man.
Why can't you be sensible, Marion?
Have I ever done anything sensible?
Of course, I know it isn't sensible to
marry a mechanic and live in Birdville.
But it's my one chance to be
somebody real and useful.
I'm sick of everything
here, I'm bored to death.
- Wish I'd never been born.
- Is that any way to talk?
Well, will you marry me
then, Henry, right away?
I told you before, we're gonna wait.
All right.
You win, but you'll be sorry.
I don't care what becomes of me now.
I'll go to the devil with Bertie, I will.
You'll see.
You'll see!
One for you, one for you, one for you,
one for myself.
Go ahead, have a drink,
I got a new customer.
- Is that gratitude?
- Wait a minute,
wait a minute now, ladies and gentlemen.
Just a minute, there's nothing
now to worry about or get excited over.
We're not gonna arrest anybody here,
only those that are drunk and disorderly.
All right, boys, check up on them.
- Let him go, officer.
- Go on, get out of here.
I've had enough of you, come on, get up.
This disgrace will kill Carrie.
All right, once you get down the hall,
search all the rooms.
Stop climbing over me!
Why, Harry, fancy meeting you here.
Oh, Harry, you tickle!
Get off of my glasses,
I can't see a thing without them!
Oh, Harry's here, alone at last!
- Not a minute too soon.
- What do you mean?
You tell that to the judge.
- But you can't arrest me.
- I can't, eh?
This is the most immoral act
I have ever seen in my life.
Immoral act, how dare you!
- Get out.
- I refuse to leave this room.
I scarcely know this lady.
What's so funny, sister?
Oh, I have to tell you.
Now, Officer, you're making a mistake.
You'll regret this!
You'll regret this, Officer, I tell you.
Will you give me that back,
that don't belong to you, that's my stuff.
Hey, keep your hands off that.
- What is it?
- The place is being raided, the police!
- Yes, but where's Marion?
- With Bertie, I just saw them being arrested.
They're taking them to the police station.
- To the police station?
- Yes!
Well, I'll get them out of it all right. Here,
Morgan, you take care of this young lady.
Yes.
They've taken Bertie.
And Marion.
Let's go!
I insist on your calling me a taxi!
This is your taxi!
Why, what's the matter, Harry,
this is a great chance to see life!
- This is the last straw!
- Get in there.
- Let's go.
- All right, go ahead.
Say, think of the headline!
And what will Uncle George say!
Don't mind what George'll say, get inside.
All right, mac, let her go.
This is all your fault, young man,
you're guilty of all this.
I'm guilty of your immoral conduct?
Oh, please, Uncle George.
Come on, you, the judge wants to see you.
Oh, how nice of him,
I thought I made an impression.
Not you, her.
Come on.
You too.
Back up, you.
Well, how about me, Officer,
didn't the judge say something about me?
If he did, the officer's too much
of a gentlemen to repeat it.
If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be in here.
It's just like you said it was,
Judge, honest it is.
We're almost as much to blame.
We should've known they were
too excited to take things right.
Well, Judge Summer, I hope you're getting
enough bail out of Dad to buy a new jail.
Yes, you certainly do need one.
You might be a little more respectful
to Judge Summers,
after he was kind enough
to get out of bed to come here.
Furthermore, no matter how much bail
I'm willing to pay
it won't do you any good.
Well, what do you mean?
It might sober you up a little bit
to know that all the offenders
are to be held here overnight.
Uncle George, Bertie,
think of Uncle George.
Uncle George overnight.
Whatever you do, Judge,
don't keep him in the same cell with me
- 'cause I want to get some sleep.
- Young man.
Don't you realize what this means?
The papers are bound
to get hold of this story.
Oh, I must have some new photographs
taken for them.
Don't bother to have many taken, Sis.
In time, we'll be such
an old story to the papers
they'll stop featuring us.
Lucky you're not married
to me, Bertie Lenox.
- If you talk like that I...
- If we were married
there wouldn't be any reason
for my talking like that, that's just it.
That ain't no excuse at all.
Suppose you apologize
for talking so smart like.
I won't.
You heard me, kid.
I'm sorry, Judge Summers,
and Dad.
Bertie, suppose you apologize too.
I'm ashamed of you.
Well, that goes for me too.
That will do, Jensen, take them back.
Come on, Sis.
I've already told you that I don't want you
to treat my children
any differently from the others,
Judge Summers, and I don't.
I want you to treat them exactly
as you'd treat any other two children.
Why, what are you getting at, Mr. Lenox?
This.
If you knew that tomorrow
they were going to be married
to two fine young people
who would either turn them into useful,
happy human beings
or... or whale the tar out of them,
what would you say?
Well, I'd say, Mr. Lenox,
that I think it would do them far more good
than a night in jail.
I was sure you would.
Now suppose I go and
have a little talk with them
and tell them that everything is all right.
Thank you.
Henry, I've been very foolish
and small-minded about this whole business
and I hope you two will forgive me.
Of course, Mr. Lenox.
Sure I'll forgive you, Mr. Lenox,
but I can't marry your daughter.
You can't marry my daughter?
And who are you, young man?
Great heavens, Carrie,
what are you doing here?
Why shouldn't I be here?
Everyone else in my family is,
unless Arthur was mistaken.
Rockingham, that idiot.
Who is this, Bronson?
I insist upon knowing.
This is Henry Morgan, Carrie.
The young mechanic I told you I'd hired.
A mechanic and Marion?
Oh, this is too much I can't bear it,
I can't bear it!
You don't have to, lady,
I just said I wasn't gonna marry her.
Why, why, how dare you!
And this is Ms. O'Neil, no doubt Arthur
was kind enough to explain about her.
Bertie's chorus girl.
- I want to tell you something.
- I advise you to be careful.
She's a much better behaved young woman
than your own daughter
and I don't want any difficulty
in persuading her to marry our son.
In persuading her?
You mean to tell me
you don't want to marry Bertie?
I want to marry him,
Mrs. Lenox, I love him.
In spite of the fact
he's a drunken little fool.
- But after tonight I...
- My son, a drunken little fool?
You realize you're talking of a Lenox.
Why, think of your family.
That's just what I'm doing,
my mother would never get over the disgrace
if I married a man like Bertie.
My old man would feel
the same way about Marion.
They've got pretty high standards
back in Birdville.
Why, why, you impertinent...
Oh, sorry, Mrs. Lenox, but you see,
I aim to make something out of myself
and I want a wife I can be proud of.
I see, you mean that my daughter
isn't good enough for you, is that it?
Oh, she could be good enough if she tried.
You don't understand that girl.
What she needs is to wrestle
with something tough and get sweat on.
That's what Bertie needs too.
Oh, Bronson,
I'm going to be ill, desperately ill.
But it seems to me that if you
really loved them, then you'd realize...
It wouldn't work, Mr. Lenox.
But I'm depending on you two.
Stop it, Bronson, are you insane?
I have been but I've recovered.
I realized that Marion
and Bertie are right.
These marriages may
be their one big chance.
You haven't recovered,
you're raving mad, Bronson.
Now listen to me, Carrie, it's going
to take quite a man to manage Marion,
and Henry seems to be that man.
As for Bertie, Alice is the only person
who has any decent influence over him.
I wouldn't have it long, Mr. Lenox,
not when Bertie has all the money he has.
If he had something to work for
it would be different.
He loves me enough to do it if he had to.
But he doesn't have to.
She said a mouthful!
Oh, I like money all right,
but when I'm marrying
I want to be the guy that has it.
Well, how's Marion gonna be a good wife
unless she respects me?
And how is she gonna respect me
if she has more than me?
I see, it all boils itself down to the fact
that you won't marry my children
because they have money.
I was gonna be fool enough to do it,
but now I realize what a handful Marion is,
you gotta excuse me.
That's the way I feel
about it too, Mr. Lenox.
- Why, why...
- Yes.
Your children can't believe it's true,
Mr. Lenox.
They refuse to leave their cells unless
these two young people go after them.
It isn't true.
What do you think, Judge Summers,
my son and my daughter
have been refused by a chorus girl
and a common laborer.
They're not good enough for them.
Well, by heavens if they're as worthless as
all that, they're not good enough for me.
- Bronson.
- What do you mean, sir?
I mean, that I see them for the first time
as they are:
Selfish, spoiled, useless little fools
without a bit of good in them.
- Don't talk like that about my children.
- No, Bertie's not that bad, Mr. Lenox.
- Neither is Marion.
- We'll see whether they are or not.
They haven't appreciated
one thing I've done for them.
All right, let them get out
and make good on their own.
- Do I understand you right, sir?
- You do
if you understand that I'm through
with my children.
I never want to see them again
and I'll never give them another penny until
I'm sure that they've come to their senses.
Do you hear that, Henry?
You ain't got the heart of a rattle snake.
What you're doing to this poor little girl
is the lowest down, meanest,
most contemptible thing
I ever heard in my life!
Judge, that wedding's on, I'll show him
how much I care for his rotten money!
So will I, Bertie needs me now
and just try and take him away from me.
What, why, Mr. Lenox, you mean that you...
- Why, certainly.
- Masterly, Mr. Lenox, masterly.
You know, there's fine stuff
in those two young people.
- Yes.
- Why, Mrs. Lenox.
- I'll get some ammonia.
- Oh, no, don't bother, Judge.
Come on, Carrie, it's not going to do you
a bit of good this time.
- What did you say, Bronson?
- You heard me, kid.
- Why, Bronson!
- Yes, yes.
You know what I mean.
Oh, gee, I love you.
You're such a fool.