Fast Track (The Ex) (2006) Movie Script
( soft rock music playing )
# Well, here's a little game
for you and I #
# I'll give it a try #
# To play until
the blue skies fade #
# I'll take
the shade tree #
# All you have to do
is sit and smile #
# That sounds worthwhile #
# And imagine the future
of my baby and me #
# All we need #
# Is an afternoon
of skipping through the mind #
# And I know we'll find #
# We're two of a kind #
# Now here's a little game
for you to play #
# What kind
would you say? #
# A sort of a puzzle
as you soon will see #
# Now you've
intrigued me #
# All you have to do
is add things up #
# Sounds simple enough #
# And imagine what
one plus one plus one #
# Will be #
# All we need #
# Is an afternoon
of skipping through the mind #
# And soon
you will find #
# We're three of a kind. #
- "Nigel"?
- No.
"Leonard." That's cute.
That's so cute! We have a little fat kid
that likes internet porn.
Let's come up with our own name.
We don't need the book.
Like "Apple"
or "Destiny's Child."
- I'll tell you what...
- ( bell dings )
Honey, will you run in the kitchen
and get me my toast?
- Yes.
- Thank you.
The book says it's important
to have a name for the child
before the child is born.
Oh, that book.
You've got to relax with that book.
You're obsessed.
Honey, you know
doing research
makes me feel
more comfortable.
Speaking of which,
I've decided not to do an epidural.
- What?
- Yep.
Apparently, natural childbirth's
better for the baby.
But everybody says
the pain is unbearable.
I'm a tough girl.
I can handle it.
Whatever is best
for baby Big Nose.
Big Nose?
Oh, sorry, that's just the name
that popped into my head
when I was looking
at you.
Oh, that's very funny.
That's very funny.
- ( kissing )
- Honey, please!
You're going
to make me pee!
Whoa, whoa.
Look at the time. I gotta go.
- Promotion day.
- Good luck, sweetheart.
- Hey. I love you.
- I love you more.
Tom! Tom!
Tom Reilly.
How the hell are you, man?
What's going on?
Good, Forrest.
How are you?
The last time I saw you,
you were with Sofia Kowalski.
Yeah, we got married actually.
Way to go, man.
You know, I was never one
of the people that said
she was out of your league.
In their face, right?
Yeah.
- We're about to have a baby.
- Congratulations. That's fantastic.
Yeah, good stuff. My wife and I
just did that deal in December.
Kids are expensive
as hell, though.
I just made SVP
at Armstrong.
Making 500 grand a year
and we're barely making ends meet.
We just got a beach house
in the Hamptons.
- Oh.
- Piece of advice--
you want
the most blowjobs ever?
- Please.
- Get your wife a beach house.
- Oh.
- I'm serious. I can't keep her off my junk.
I'll have
to remember that.
Hey, come out to the Hamptons sometime.
We'll go sailing.
- I'll bring my yacht!
- Even better.
$500,000 a year.
Can you believe that?
I went to school
with this idiot.
He's one of the stupidest
people I ever met.
Where did I go wrong?
- Dude, you're a cook.
- I know.
I should have become
a hedge-fund guy.
I'd be getting BJs
out in East Hampton.
Okay, people!
A lot of hungry stockbrokers up there.
They're counting on you.
What's wrong?
Somebody left a bunch
of salmon out overnight.
Leon's docking
everybody's pay.
- That's ridiculous.
- You gotta talk to him, Tom.
No, no, no, no, no,
not me this time, guys. Sorry.
Tommy, you're the only
guy that can stand up to him.
Paco, my wife's about
to have a baby. I need this promotion.
This guy's going
to dock our pay, man.
Let's go, ladies!
I don't pay you
to stand around all day.
Hey, Summers, I need you
to work on Sunday, okay?
Leon, my sister's getting married
on Sunday, remember?
Well, you know what? You gotta tell me
that when I'm making out the schedule.
- I can't keep track of everyone's social life.
- I did tell you.
- I'll sub for him, Leon.
- Paco, silencio.
Summers, I'm sorry.
You got to be here Sunday.
That's it.
I don't make the rules.
Oh, wait.
Yes, I do.
You got something to say, Reilly?
I'd love to hear it.
Leon,
you're an asshole.
And you're fired.
- What?
- Adios, mijo.
You heard me, Banderas.
Hit the road.
Go on back to your 10-family shack
and watch Telemundo all day.
I don't give a shit,
all right?
Okay, we both got
a little carried away.
I admit it.
You admit it.
Let's just have a cool-down period, okay?
Do you want to use my apron?
I can get most
of that off.
Are you kidding me? You don't
hit a guy with a pork chop!
( clamoring )
- Tom: Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
- Leon: Come on!
- We're sorry. We're sorry. We're sorry.
- You're fired too.
Uh-huh!
Forrest, here's some pork,
on the house.
How's the ahi?
Sofia:
Oh, I'm so fat.
Sofia:
Oh, I'm so fat.
( grunts )
Don't give me that crazy look, Kimmy.
I see you.
I have too much to do
before I gotta get out of here.
Kimmy: Hey, Sof',
can I ask you something?
Do you really think you can
raise a kid on Tom's salary?
He's getting promoted
to head lunch-chef.
We're gonna be fine.
I have to say, I have a hard time
seeing you as a housewife.
I am not going to
be a housewife.
I'm going to be
a full-time mom.
Of course, yeah.
( gasps )
What?
- ( cell phone rings )
- Don't worry about it, man.
Hello.
Now?
It's a setback, baby,
but we're gonna get through this.
The important thing
is that we have
a beautiful, perfect,
handsome baby boy, right?
And we love each other.
Right?
Do you remember how we decided
that I was gonna stay home with our baby
and you were gonna
support us?
Sofia, it was the principle of the thing.
You should have seen this guy.
It's always
"the principle of the thing."
First, it was
the museum job,
but then you didn't want to turn into
a pretentious social climber.
Then you become
a magazine writer,
which lasts until you tell
your editor he's a whore.
Not an actual whore, Sofia.
A whore to the entertainment industry.
You speak your mind and you can
smell bullshit a mile away,
and that's what
I love about you,
but sooner or later,
people make compromises.
They don't like what they do.
They hate their boss.
They're bored most of the time.
It's what having a job is.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, well,
what if this whole thing
was a message from God?
What do you think God's
trying to tell us?
Maybe he's trying to tell us
that it's time for us
to move out
of New York City.
I could finally take your dad
up on his job offer.
I think Ohio will be the best place
to raise a baby.
We have your parents
to help us out.
You always said you didn't want
to work in an office.
But now all I care about
is taking care of you and him.
Okay?
Besides,
I think advertising
will be a pretty great job
to have, right?
Think up ideas all day long,
get paid for it?
- We could have a house and a car.
- ( siren blaring )
- It would be a lot quieter.
- Yes.
We could have a yard.
That's what
I'm talking about, baby--
you, me, Ollie,
chillin' in our yard
- with our cows.
- I could bake pies every day.
You know how to bake a pie?
How come you never made me a pie?
( rock music playing )
# He was tied to the bed #
# With a miracle drug
in one hand #
# In the other,
a great lost novel #
# That I understand
was returned #
# With a stamp #
# That said, "Thank you
for your interest"...#
Whoo-hoo, Ohio!
Look, Oliver!
- # While preparing his soul #
- Yes!
# For a perilous slide
into crime #
# He had decided
that he would err #
# On this side of divine #
# Being told
this is wise... #
Lot of white people
in this neighborhood.
# That there'd be payback
with interest in due time #
# So why #
# All the history now? #
Kids, welcome!
Great!
It's your parents.
They're in
our house already.
- Look at that baby!
- I'm gonna eat you!
- I'm gonna eat you up!
- Baby!
Your stuff got here
safe and sound,
not that you
had very much.
Dad, our apartment in New York
was about the size of this porch.
I love it.
Go ahead.
Whose furniture is this?
- Surprise!
- Got you a little housewarming gift.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah, you shouldn't have.
They threw in the bassinet
for half price.
( speaks Spanish )
Mom, what's with all
the Spanish?
This is your mother's
new crusade.
Oh, it's not a crusade,
Mr. Cynical.
Nancy Hodgekiss told me
about this family
that just moved here
from Argentina.
So I thought there must be
something I could do to help.
So I'm teaching
them English.
You know, having a job
completely changes a man, Tom.
It's not just
about the money.
It's about having
a purpose.
It's about feeling
proud of yourself.
- Dad.
- I've been employed before, Bob.
No, I'm not talking
about a cook.
I'm talking about
a real job.
- Dad, Tom was a chef.
- A chef's a cook, right?
Personally, I think being
a cook is a real job.
You want a tip on how to succeed,
you take a look at this girl here.
Did you know that your wife
was Phi Beta Kappa?
That she got 170
on the LSAT?
I know that, Bob.
If you remember,
we've been dating since college.
Me llamo el pollo...
( chirps )
Don't eat me!
I'm for grownups!
You know who I'm putting
in charge of training Tom?
- Chip Sanders.
- Oh, great.
Who's Chip Sanders?
Amelia:
Sofia never told you about Chip?
He's just this guy
I went to high school with.
Eat up, Tom. You got 20 more
chickens in there.
So what's this
Chip guy like?
I haven't seen him
for years.
We were
in cheerleading together.
Which reminds me,
When are you gonna dig out
one of your cheerleading outfits
and do a little
routine for me?
I don't know. Are you gonna
score a touchdown for me?
Oh, I will score
a touchdown.
I will.
Tom, don't.
It's just...
Oliver eats from there.
It just seems kind of weird.
I'm sorry. Maybe it's just
a little too early.
- Is that okay?
- Of course it's okay. Of course.
- It's totally fine.
- Okay.
Wish me luck, family members.
( kisses )
- Give 'em hell.
- I'll miss you guys.
( silent )
- # You've got the right #
- # We're tellin' you to remain satisfied. #
Tom, hi.
- Welcome to Sunburst.
- Thank you.
I should've told you,
suit and tie is not required.
Casual Friday
every day?
No, it's not business casual.
We tried that.
It's business appropriate.
It's about being yourself,
but in an appropriate way.
It's kind of special.
You know, I've been here
longer than anybody, 30 years.
Last year
a visionary took over.
His name-- Don Wollebin.
Bob: Guys! Guys,
I want you to meet Tom Reilly,
Our new assistant
associate-creative.
- Both: Hey, Tom.
- Hey, guys.
- This is Manny.
- This is Doug.
- Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
- Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
- What's that?
- What are you trying to do?
- You got something in your hand there?
- Hey, Tom, catch!
- Whoops!
- Yes!
Nice, Manny!
- Can't let my man down.
- You got to catch it, Tom.
The "yes" ball gets thrown around
the office all day long.
It's a way of showing
that we're all in sync.
- Oh.
- Don Wollebin taught us
that every company
is a multi-mind organism.
Do you know what
an organism is, Tom?
Sure.
An organism is a living thing.
Is it, Tom?
What about a person?
A person's a living thing.
Forgive me, Tom, but that's a pretty
old-fashioned way of looking at things.
See, here at Sunburst,
we treat people like people,
- not like things.
- Oh.
Don't worry about it. It took me
a while to get my mind around it as well.
Once you start thinking
about stuff in a new way,
it'll turn your whole
world upside down.
Come on.
Bob: People just aren't eating
as much fried fish anymore.
So Don says,
"Let's shift the paradigm.
Forget fried fish.
Let's re-invent
the tartar sauce
As a hamburger spread.
Call it 'Pickle Whip'
and sell it to teenagers!"
- That's classic Wollebin.
- Bob: No question.
Now last but not least,
I want to introduce
all of you
To our new assistant
associate-creative--
Tom Reilly.
Thank you all. I'm sure
that this experience will--
- Sit down, Tom. It's all right.
- Okay.
- Hey, Tom.
- Uh-oh.
Nice catch!
- Throw it!
- Nice!
Here we go!
Yes, throw it around!
Throw it around!
Oh, I don't want to do it, either.
Or do I?
Go long!
Come on, buddy.
You got to jump for those.
Unfortunately,
I can't.
And I haven't been
able to, Tom,
Since I was five.
It's great to meet you, though.
My name's Chip Sanders.
This is the guy you're
gonna be working under.
Hey, Chip, I'm really sorry
about what just happened.
I feel like an idiot.
Hold it right there, Tom.
We don't apologize at Sunburst.
The Japanese have a term
called moushiwake.
It's a way of saying
you're sorry
and taking responsibility.
At Sunburst, if you feel
you've fallen short,
you write a moushiwake
on one of these
little yellow pads.
Here. Here you go.
Just go ahead,
write it down.
"Chip, I'm sorry I threw
the imaginary ball"--
It's supposed
to be silent.
Tom, don't you
worry about it.
If I got depressed every time
somebody made a joke at my expense,
- I'd never get out of bed.
- I wasn't making a joke. I didn't--
Tom, you'll be working
under the best here.
- Oh, sticky.
- I'm sorry.
Chip just won Ohio
Advertiser of the Year.
- Congratulations.
- I don't do it for the awards.
He created
Senor Tomato
for the Ketchup Kaliente campaign.
Ay, caliente!
Arriba.
- I love this guy.
- Yeah, I'm pretty proud of him.
There's not a lot of Latino characters
in advertising.
He seems like
a really nice role model.
Well, it's nice to do well,
but also to do good.
But also to do good.
Ay, caliente!
- ( cooing )
- Look who's awake!
It's Mr. Stinky-winky!
It's Mr. Stinky-winky's pinkies.
You made mommy
a nice little poo, a stinky poo.
Yes, you did.
A binky drinky.
A pinky dinky.
"He backed away. His hand
holding the purple crayon shook."
You don't understand
a word I'm saying, do you?
"Johnson told the senate
subcommittee
he was satisfied
with the president's budget,
even though it represented
a 6% decrease
from last year."
So...
You married Sofia Kowalski.
- You are one lucky man.
- Thanks.
- Do you love her, Tom?
- Oh, yeah.
Do you earn her love
every single day?
I believe I do, Chip.
That's all I need to hear.
So, listen, I want you to know
that I don't care
Whether you got this job
through family connections
or had to earn it
like the rest of us.
What's important is that you're here,
and that's awesome.
Okay, well, I'm just
excited to jump in.
Whatever you got for me,
just let me know.
Hang on there, killer. We're gonna
walk before we run, okay?
- Did you see "Karate Kid"?
- Yeah.
Miyagi. Macchio.
Okay?
And right now we're in the
"Wax on, wax off" period.
Advertising here.
Advertising never here.
She and my mom got in a heated argument
and my mom took her to the ground
and started hitting her,
while my dad stood
over top, laughing.
Man #2: Did you later find out
that that wasn't true?
- Hearsay.
- Man #3: Your honor, hearsay.
- Man #2: Did you ever hear your sister say
- ( popping )
- that she hated your mother? .
- Man: Constantly.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
- Are those snaps?
- Yeah.
- That's pretty cool.
- It's pretty stupid.
My dad won't let me
watch TV anymore.
- That's bullshit, dude.
- Yeah.
This is all I can do.
Want to trade?
- Just kidding.
- ( silence )
Like, that one was a dud.
It happens.
So during the school year
I live with my mom in New Jersey.
And I spend the summer
here with my dad.
But he's at work
all the time,
and all my friends
live back in Parsippany,
so it's pretty gay.
Hey, think fast.
I'm just messing with you.
- I'm Carol, by the way.
- Tom.
- Hey, Tom, can I give you some advice?
- Yeah.
Get out of here. Run.
Run as fast as you can.
Walk out that door
and don't look back.
I'm just kidding.
But not really.
This is gonna be awesome.
Somebody's eating Chip's yogurt.
Watch your legs.
No brakes! Thank you.
How we doing, gang, huh?
Uh-oh. Either one
of you two guys seen--
- Is this your yogurt?
- Uh-huh.
Oh, because Bob had said
something about, like,
free snacks
in the kitchen.
Muffins.
Muffins are for everyone.
Yogurt's mine.
Everyone knows that.
Listen, my fault.
- You're new.
- I'll just go buy you another one.
No, no, I'm your mentor.
I should have told you.
I'll go hungry today.
That'll be my punishment.
No, no, please.
At least finish the rest of this.
No, you've already done about two-thirds
of that. Why don't you finish it off?
Okay, enjoy. It's peach.
My favorite.
I give you one week.
Sofia:
Who is that? Who is that?
Hi, Dad!
Dad, I pooped today.
What did you do?
Hey, please change
my diaper, Dad.
My dad loves Chip.
He's like the son he never had.
- What about me?
- It's completely different.
You're his son-in-law.
Chip's a great guy, babe.
He just--
I don't know. He seems a little
angry or something.
Well, maybe you'd be
a little angry too
if you'd lost
the use of your legs.
It's not that.
I don't know.
He just-- he's nice.
I just-- I think he might
have a dark side.
Tom, this is your
first week on the job.
I really hope you're
not picking a fight.
I'm not saying anything
bad about him.
Everybody has a dark side.
I have a dark side.
I'm very dangerous.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Come here.
- ( toilet flushes )
What's up?
- Who is that person?
- That's Wesley.
His dad doesn't let
him watch TV.
I don't see the wisdom
I don't see the wisdom
of selling directly
to consumers.
Do you remember we spoke about
Smith & Hawken, sir? 2,000% sales growth?
We've got
a three-pronged strategy--
web advertising,
product partnerships and print ads.
Actually, it's a four-pronged strategy.
You forgot about direct mailing.
Direct mailing
is not part of this strategy.
- Actually, it is.
- No, it's not.
It is, Chip. If you took the time
to read the report like I did,
pages 23 through 29,
direct mailing.
I specifically said,
"No junk mail."
Now "no junk mail" means
"no direct mailing."
Did my son say
you could do this?
This meeting is over.
Goodbye.
( sighs )
I'm really sorry.
I guess I shouldn't
have said that.
That report was for internal
distribution only.
That's what "for internal
distribution only" means.
Mr. Nordhaus' son asked us
not to tell his father
about the direct mailing.
Because in five years,
when direct mailing takes effect,
- Mr. Nordhaus'll be dead.
- I can still hear you.
- ( phone clicks )
- I guess we can kiss that account goodbye.
Bob, I'm really sorry.
I mean, moushiwake.
I'll write
a moushiwake, Bob.
Bob, if anybody should be
writing a moushiwake, it's me.
- Tom is my responsibility.
- Bob: Chip, please.
He's the one
who screwed up.
Wollebin gets back
from Nepal tomorrow.
I don't want to tell him you blew
a major account on your second day.
I'm gonna say it was me.
Oh, no, no, I can't let you
take the rap for that.
- Let me do it.
- Absolutely not, Chipper.
It's my family.
I'll clean up the mess.
Well, thank you, Bob.
I appreciate that.
Let's go back to work.
Hey, Tom, it's probably
none of my business,
but I doubt I'd ever
let my father-in-law
take a bullet
for me like that.
- Chip, it is none of your business.
- Sofia.
We are the Tigers!
And we're not cocky.
But we'll run you over...
Both:
Like a Kawasaki.
Vroom-vroom!
- Hey, baby.
- Sofia, hey! Let me see the baby.
- This is him.
- Oh my gosh,
look what you've made!
Who's the father?
Have you found him?
Sofia, ready, okay!
Remember this?
Both:
Let me tell you what we are:
W-i-n-n-e-r!
That's it!
Second half, second half.
Let me tell you
what you are:
L-o-s-e-r!
- That's great.
- Chip: And...
Riverside Tigers,
out of sight!
Riverside Tigers,
dyn-o-mite!
- I want to show you my--
- Hang on. Hang on.
- Explode.
- Explode!
- Explode!
- ( laughs )
Explode?
Come on, you remember
how strong Chips Ahoy is.
- Come on, I got you. Ready? Ha!
- Okay.
Explode!
Oh, yeah.
I can't believe he remembered
all the moves.
Oh, yeah,
he's a real champ.
I bet he had a huge crush
on you in high school, didn't he?
Well...
we did sort of
have sex once.
What?
I thought you said he was
paralyzed from the waist down.
Well, not completely.
So you just, like,
forgot to tell me about it?
It was a long time ago.
I didn't want you thinking
about that when you met the guy.
It's gross. I think you showed
really bad judgment.
- Why?
- Because, no offense to Chip...
but he's a dick.
You're not really jealous,
are you?
Don't you know I'm saving
my special cheer for you?
- You have a special cheer?
- Yeah.
Can I see it?
Show me upstairs.
- Hi.
- Hello, Wesley.
Can I get you anything?
No, I'm all right.
Got my Twizzler.
- You got it?
- Yeah, I got it.
So you spend any time at your
own house there, Wesley?
Wesley's mom
lives in New Jersey,
and his dad works late.
Oh...
well, I'm glad
we could help out.
Welcome to the family, Wesley.
Thanks, Tom.
Hey, guys,
You wanna see
something really cool?
Sure.
( gulps )
Wesley, you're gonna
hurt yourself.
That was awesome.
Wait a second.
This is it.
- Sofia: What are you doing?
- The Pickle Whip campaign.
This is how I'm gonna
redeem myself.
You gotta promise me
you're never gonna do that again.
Do that again.
- I don't feel so good.
- Oh, come on, buddy. I need this for work.
- I don't know.
- I'll give you 20 bucks.
- Tom!
- Done and done.
Ow!
You hit my face.
If you want to feel
your insignificance
in the vastness of the universe,
I mean really feel it,
try boarding
in the Himalayas.
You, inspire me.
Sorry about your face.
That's Don Wollebin.
The rollercoaster
comes down the hill.
Right?
Smash cut to this guy.
"I am going so fast!
Wow!"
And a brief shot of his buddies.
Wait a minute.
This can only
go one direction--
"Whoaaaa!"
Rolls right into
a pile of Pickle Whip.
Tagline:
( mimics child's voice )
"Get whipped!"
( chuckles )
I think that's really neat.
Hmm.
- That feels like a commercial.
- Exactly.
Who here
likes commercials?
Really, you like commercials?
Nobody likes commercials.
You know, that's true too.
( all murmuring )
We need a new slogan
around here--
( murmurs )
"No commercials."
Definitely food for thought.
Chipper, did you--
Yes, I will give it a go.
Uh, Don, I've been thinking
along the same lines.
I don't see these as commercials,
I see them more like 30-second movies.
Having said that...
Power Pickle.
He's Senor Tomato,
only less Mexican,
and more attitude.
Power Pickle
loves extreme skating.
He loves
extreme snowboarding.
Also enjoys
extreme skydiving.
Most of all,
he enjoys extreme lunching.
Ha!
"Extreme lunching."
I think you have
something there.
( whispers )
Power... Pickle.
"Power Pickle."
It's phallic.
- Bob: Phallic.
- Oops.
Anyone else?
- Well, I have something.
- Who's this?
This is Tom Reilly. He's our
new assistant associate-creative.
Tom, it's generally
the creatives
or the associate-
creatives
who make these proposals.
It is better to listen
to a wise beggar
than a rich fool.
I want to hear the beggar.
Okay, thank you.
I saw this kid do this
kind of funny trick
the other day.
And I don't know,
I think it would make a hilarious ad.
Tell me what you guys think.
( laughing )
No way!
That's funny.
Congratulations, Tom.
You did it.
Tom, I want you going down
to Lion's Pride tomorrow
to show this thing
to Jack Connor.
- Chip.
- Boss.
You're Tom's wingman
on this thing.
Wingman, his.
How about that?
Do you mountain bike?
Yeah, whenever I get
the chance.
There's some amazing trails
around here, especially at dawn.
It's awe-inspiring.
We should go sometime.
Yeah.
- All right.
- Yeah, it's great, yeah.
I got to get a bike.
Hey, I hope there's
no hard feelings,
'cause I thought your whole
extreme pickle thing was really cool,
- when he was skydiving and stuff--
- Tom.
Let me tell you something:
If you think I care about Power Pickle,
you're sorely mistaken, okay?
I can think up ideas
like that in my sleep.
And someday, when I'm
kicking ass in Barcelona,
I'm gonna look back
on this whole campaign
as some sad, pathetic,
little joke.
He said that?
I have no idea what
he was talking about.
There's this ad agency
in Barcelona called Idea.
They're, like, cutting-edge
euro-geniuses.
Chip applied for a job there.
Nobody's supposed to know about it,
but I saw him
mailing off a bunch
of Senor Tomato figurines.
- That guy is out of his mind.
- Tell me about it.
He is great
in the sack, though.
- How do you know?
- Nancy slept with him last Christmas.
She said it was
the best sex she ever had.
Apparently, he can, like,
balance on his arms
and then the angle
makes it intense
- because you're sitting--
- I don't want to hear about it, okay?
- What the hell?
- What?
- Someone stole the picture of my wife.
- ( doorbell rings )
- Sofia Kowalski!
- Abby March, wow!
Hey, it is so good
to see you.
- And who is this little guy?
- This is Oliver.
Petey--
Petey,
Do you want
to give Oliver a hug?
Hmm? Yeah?
Oh, that's a big yes.
Oh, yes.
Loves.
Oh. Loves.
Loves for your new friend, oh.
"Apana" is the sanskrit word
for "waste."
The apana asana
aids in digestion
And helps with gas
and constipation.
Shall we get permission?
- ( all whispering )
- ( babies fussing )
Do you want to do apana?
Good? Thank you.
Abby:
Sofia...
I noticed that you didn't
ask Oliver's permission.
In our class,
we use the RIE method.
You must ask
your baby's permission
- before you do anything.
- Oh, okay.
Isn't that right, Petey?
Did you need some?
I don't know.
What is it?
It's bag balm.
Dairy farmers use it
as a moisturizer for cow udders.
It is the best thing
in the world for sore nipples.
I have a ton at home.
You are welcome to have this.
Thanks. Yeah, breastfeeding's
been hell for me.
As soon as Oliver
hits six months,
I'm switching
to formula, big time.
( fussing,
whispering stops )
Sofia, please no formula.
If you don't want to do it,
I'll breastfeed Oliver myself.
Wollebin just gave this to me
to thank me for hiring you.
- Wow.
- You know,
it hasn't been exactly
smooth for me
since he took over.
Anyway, I just want
to tell you that
I think you're
doing a great job, son.
Well, thank you...
- Dad.
- Have you seen my whales?
What?
Have I showed you
my whales?
No.
Sometimes I just sit
in here and stare at them.
- ( whales calling )
- Bob: It's so peaceful.
I even give them names.
That one-- ow, fuck!
- Are you okay?
- That lamp is hotter than shit!
- ( Oliver crying )
- Shh, come on, buddy.
( shushing )
- After you.
- Hi.
Hello, wife.
Hello, child.
- Daddy's home.
- He's been like this all day.
Oh, no!
What's wrong, cranky bear?
Hey, little bear.
- ( stops crying )
- Hi.
Gotta be kidding me.
- What's with the bike?
- Hot, right?
Wollebin asked me to go
mountain biking with him.
He asked me right after
he put me in charge
of the Pickle Whip
campaign.
- $1,200?
- Babe, a bike like that should cost $1,500.
Try and bend those rims.
Try. Kick 'em.
You can't bend those rims.
They're called
high-performance rims.
Honey, you've never been
mountain biking in your life.
Look, if you want me to return the bike,
I'll return the bike.
- I want you to return the bike.
- No, I'm not going to return the bike,
Because I think
physical fitness is important,
and I think it's good
for my career.
My day was terrible.
This girl I hated
in high school came over
and made me go
to her baby group
and everyone called me
a bad mommy.
You're an amazing mommy.
Daddy gets to go mountain
biking with Wollebin.
Chip can't go
mountain biking.
- Tom.
- It was a joke.
I don't think making fun
of peoples' handicap is funny.
It was a joke.
Asleep in under
five minutes.
Daddy's got
the magic touch.
So what does Wesley get out
of this whole Pickle Whip thing?
I already got him
to sign a release.
He gets $1,000
if the ad airs.
What are you doing?
It's bag balm, Tom.
They use it for cow's udders.
"Rub on udders." Wow.
I don't know, sweetie.
It just feels like the whole thing's
a little exploitative
of Wesley.
Oh, I get it.
I think I see what's happening.
Somebody's a little jealous.
- What?
- Oh, come on.
You're used
to being the star,
And now I'm in
the limelight a little bit.
It's probably driving
you crazy. Admit it.
Admit it.
- Score a touchdown.
- Not gonna happen, Tom.
Use the bag balm.
Jack, good to see you again.
How are you?
Please meet Tom Reilly.
He's been helping me out on the campaign.
( Irish accent )
Reilly, is it?
Do you have Irish blood
in you by any chance?
( Irish accent )
Me father's father was an Irishman,
so I have a wee bit
of the leprechaun in me.
Are you making fun of me?
( normal voice )
No, I'm sorry. L-- l--
I thought that was
a fake accent.
- Why?
- I don't know.
I don't know.
That was unfortunate.
Jack, you're gonna love
the new campaign. Let's jump right in.
( gulps )
I mean,
is that something?
Is that incredible
or what?
When I saw that kid,
I said, "that's it."
We've all just said hello
to the new face of Pickle Whip.
- Well done, Chip.
- Thanks so much, Jack.
So sorry, but you're gonna
all have to excuse me.
Jack.
( whispers )
- Oh, certainly, of course.
- Great.
Chip:
And, Tom, do us a favor, please,
and present the market-
penetration strategy.
Market-penetration
strategy.
Something that's very important
to today's youth market...
Penetration.
Let's stick
with long-range,
Because that way we know
we're gonna maximize "p"--
Profit.
Isn't "p" price?
You're thinking
of uppercase.
This is a lowercase "p".
Write that down.
Here we go.
Next slide.
That's just "J" and "Q".
There they are.
Next slide.
Have you talked to Chris
about the penetration strategy?
- Chris?
- Chris Caldwell.
Woman:
Your director of market research.
Oh, "Chris" Chris.
"Chris" Chris. Yes.
I talked to him this morning.
He loves it.
Chris Caldwell
is a woman.
Yes.
Why did you say "he"?
It's a little joke we have.
Everybody calls Chris
a "he" because...
she looks like a man.
She had
a little mustache.
But it's gone.
She waxed it.
Tom, sorry I had
to duck out.
How'd the rest
of the meeting go?
How do you think it went?
You left me high and dry in there.
I'm sorry.
I had a medical emergency.
Yeah, right.
What kind of emergency?
Well, I don't really enjoy talking about it
in front of other people,
but if you must know, I sometimes
have a bladder control problem, okay?
It's very embarrassing, but it is one
of the things that you have to deal with
when you're paralyzed
from the waist down.
Really, Chip?!
Because my wife informs me
that you're not completely
paralyzed down there.
( beeps )
Carol:
Don't get your undies in a bunch.
You're not
gonna get fired.
Look, first of all,
word on the street
is that Jack Connor
is like a total alcoholic.
- He's not gonna remember he met you.
- I can't lose this job.
- I promised my wife.
- You can't drive yourself crazy
trying to please your wife.
You gotta relax.
- Yeah, I do.
- Right.
And the thing is, I don't give
a shit about tartar sauce.
Who cares about
tartar sauce, you know?
I mean, I don't want
to be one of those people
obsessing about things
that don't matter.
Yes!
When you get fired...
you're gonna be able
to start from scratch.
- You said I wasn't gonna get fired.
- Whatever.
Bob: A toast!
You know, Tom,
to be honest,
for a long time,
Amelia and I have been wondering
how long it's gonna take you
to get your act together.
- Bob!
- Amelia, please!
It's taken you a while,
but you finally realized
who you are.
You're an ad man.
Tom Reilly.
Ad man.
Tom:
You look up to me now, buddy.
When you get a little bit older,
You're gonna realize
that your dad
has absolutely no idea
what he's doing.
I don't want
to go back out there.
I don't want to go back out there,
so how about you and me,
we're just gonna sit in here
until you crap your pants again.
Okay?
Are you okay?
Yeah, why?
I know starting a job
can be really stressful,
but you know you can
talk to me about it.
Chip said you blew up
at him today.
- What?
- He was worried about you.
He said you were
acting kind of hostile.
I'm acting hostile?
( soft rock playing )
( faint cheering )
( cheering intensifies )
Yeah!
( screams )
( Oliver crying
over monitor )
Jack Connor tore me
a new asshole this morning.
What the hell
is the matter with you?
Bob, moushiwake, okay?
But Chip hung me out to dry.
Jack said that you made fun
of his mother for having a mustache!
That's not true.
I said Chris Caldwell had a mustache.
Chris Caldwell doesn't
have a mustache!
I thought Chris Caldwell was a man
because Chris is often a man's name.
Three creatives came
to me this morning
and said that you were
humiliating Chip about his disability.
- Chip is trying to sabotage me.
- Chip is trying to mentor you!
He came to me and said,
"How can I help him?"
Oh, don't you see?
That's part of his plan.
He's like a mind-game genius,
that guy.
You know, you may not
care that I put my job on the line
to get you hired, but you moved
your family 1,000 miles for this.
You've got to pull
yourself together.
We're just
washing our hands.
I just put him down for a nap.
I'm desperate for a little grownup talk.
- Did DePalma come back to you?
- Yeah, we got a court date.
No, no, no, the other file.
Honey, I'm so sorry.
It's crazy here.
- Can I call you later? .
- Sure.
Tom, wait up.
Sorry about that back there.
Tom, wait up.
Sorry about that back there.
- Rough times, huh?
- Yeah.
Hey, looks like someone could use
a good listener, buddy, huh?
I just don't think I fit
into this place, Manny.
- I've been there, man.
- You?
You are Sunburst.
What are you talking about?
You think so, huh?
The second I bought this little guy,
it made me feel a whole lot more hip.
- Want to try it on?
- No, no,
why don't you keep it?
Because that's yours.
It's not really a hipness thing.
I just...
I'm not getting along
with Chip at all
and that's really starting to mess up
my relationship with my wife.
Well, I think today's
your lucky day.
- I'm studying to be a marriage counselor.
- Really?
( all laughing )
Sofia, remember that the laughter
starts deep within
and then just comes
ro-ho-ho-ho-olling out.
Ha-ha-ha!
Yeah, I really only laugh
when something
funny happens.
I've noticed that Oliver
isn't very happy.
- He never smiles.
- He smiles all the time.
He just isn't smiling right now.
Now you're not gonna
like this, Sofia,
but you are
a very unhappy person,
and I don't think
it's good for Oliver.
You're not going to like this either,
Abby, but you're an idiot.
And your son Petey is a dipshit.
It's okay.
- ( Oliver crying )
- I know, sweetie. Here.
# It's professor polar bear,
it's professor polar bear #
- # It's professor polar bear. #
- ( horn honks )
Let's start by taking
a nice deep breath.
Just relax, okay?
( telephone ringing )
Mom!
Mom, answer the phone!
So sorry. Mom!
Answer the phone and don't
come down here. I'm having a session.
Many of the exercises I'm studying
are a little new age-y,
so I hope you guys'll
just trust me and roll with it.
- Sure.
- Sure, Manny.
Great.
Let's start by...
holding each
other's genitals.
- Okay, I'm leaving.
- What?!
- No, not holding, poking.
- You're not poking anything.
Baby, he's kidding.
Tell me you're kidding.
I'm kidding. Just want to lighten
the mood, that's all.
- Lightening the mood. Come on.
- That's all it is.
Okay, you know what?
Don't sit down. I've got an exercise.
This is called
"I'm upset that..."
It's a great way to get to the root
of hurt feelings.
You'll each complete the sentence,
"I'm upset that..."
and then tap each other
with the bat, okay?
Sofia, you go first.
I'm upset that you bought
that mountain bike.
Now tap him.
Boom.
Good. Tom.
I'm upset that...
we haven't had sex
in a long time.
I'm upset that you didn't get the chance
to have an 8-lb. Baby
shoot out of your vagina.
Maybe then you'd understand.
Good.
That's great.
I'm upset that
you banged Chip!
- You banged Chip?
- No.
- Yes.
- I'm upset that you told him I banged Chip.
Ow!
You're not supposed
to hit people in the face.
I'm upset that you talked me
into coming here!
Don't hit me anymore please.
- Please don't hit me anymore.
- ( whip cracks )
No, that was helpful.
Look what I grabbed
on the way out.
I love you so much.
- I love you too.
- But are you happy?
You can tell me.
- L--
- ( cell phone rings )
Wait, that might
be the babysitter.
Hello.
So I'm looking through
the 1989 "Tiger's Paw"
and I see a picture of a very
pretty girl in a Yaz t-shirt.
Yeah, you know what? I can't really talk
right now. Can I call you back later?
"Chipwich,
thanks for making the last
four years so awesome.
2 cool 2B 4-gotten."
Boy, those words have gotten me
through some pretty tough times.
( slow electronica
playing on laptop )
I got you.
Got you now, you freak.
Oh my God.
Tom-- Tom is a man with vision,
and I want him in that meeting.
Take this down to video tech
first thing in the morning.
- Yes.
- I want them to put the tag on it
- and then make dubs.
- Dubs.
Okay, all right.
( Bob mimicking whale call )
Careful.
( horn honks )
Hey, hey, buddy!
Just the man
I wanted to see!
We're going to do that cool
hamburger trick again, buddy.
- I can't.
- What are you talking about? Sure you can.
- I don't eat meat anymore.
- What?
I saw this show yesterday
about how they made meat.
It's all about killing animals.
- You became a vegetarian yesterday?
- Yeah. So what?
All right, cool, whatever.
We'll get you a veggie burger.
- Nah.
- Wesley, you'll get to be famous.
Like Harry Potter
or Urkel.
Tom, it's not gonna happen.
End of discussion.
- Don't be an idiot, Wesley. Give it to me.
- It's mine!
Now you'll get it back
when you eat a hamburger.
- Hey, come here!
- Help!
Wesley.
Wesley!
Wesley, I'm not
done talking to you!
Can I help you?
Tom: Hey...
I just moved in next door.
Nice to meet you.
Just talking to Wesley. He's great.
- Sofia: Tom.
- Yeah.
Were you just yelling
at Wesley?
I need you to talk to that kid.
His priorities are out of line.
- What are you talking about?
- I accidentally taped over
the video of Wesley. We got
to get him to eat another burger.
Honey, if he doesn't want to
do it, find somebody else.
Sure, honey. I'll just get
one of the other kids on the block
who can swallow
a hamburger in one bite.
I'm sure there's not
a gag reflex on the block.
Okay, you gotta calm down.
You're acting crazy.
- I'm acting crazy? That little twerp--
- ( knock on door )
Could you get that?
Hi.
I believe your husband
has my son's
skateboard.
And now they're gonna
make me out to be the bad guy.
Nbelievable.
Fireman: Let's open up
some windows over there.
Tom, you are not
going to believe this.
Bob left the Wesley tape
on his desk and we lost it.
Ah-ah! No shoes
on the prayer mat.
We found the culprit.
Somebody left the bulb
touching a stack of paper.
Don:
Damn it!
Jesus Christ, Bob.
- It was just an accident.
- No, no, no, no.
It's been a series
of mistakes, Tom.
Earlier this week,
he cost us a major account.
Could have been
the next Smith & Hawken.
Don, I can fix this.
I can fix it. All I got to do
is get Wesley on tape again.
Trust me. I can fix it.
Go for help now. Go!
Tom: I'm not gonna
hurt you, Wesley.
I just want
to talk to you.
Look what I got.
$1,000 from my very
own bank account, huh?
For you!
What do you say?
My lawyer said I can't
talk to you, dude.
- Your lawyer?
- Hey, get away from the kids!
- Get away from the kids!
- I'm just talking to him!
- Get away from the kids!
- ( screaming )
- Wesley: Come on, pick 'em up!
- Tom: What, are you crazy?!
I know.
I can't believe it either.
I will.
Wait, Mom. Tom just got home.
Let me call you right back.
My dad got fired.
What?
( sighs )
I told him to wait.
I was going to fix everything.
He got blamed
for some kind of fire.
Oh my God.
It's not about that.
You see, the Wesley video
got destroyed in the fire, so--
The Wesley video?
What?
You told me you taped over
the Wesley video.
I know, and what I'm trying
to explain to you
is that
it wasn't one thing.
But Wollebin knows that the tape thing
wasn't my dad's fault, right?
Sofia, it's a very
complicated situation.
Did you tell him or not?
Yes or no?
- It wouldn't have made a difference!
- I don't believe you.
You know what, Sofia?
If you'd helped me get Wesley to redo
the video instead of taking his side,
- none of this would have happened.
- Are you insane?
Your dad was gonna
get fired anyway!
Do you want me to volunteer
to get fired too? I tried to fix it.
It didn't work.
I'm sorry.
I'm doing all of this
for you, Sofia.
Everything.
You have it so easy.
You get to hang out
with Oliver all day
You think I like
what I'm doing?
You think I like
that stupid job? I hate it!
I am completely miserable!
- Sofia.
- I'm going to my parents'.
Call me when
you calm down.
Sweet ride, Tom. And I thought
this thing was a poon magnet.
What the hell are
you doing here, Chip?
I was just
in the neighborhood.
Did I see Sofia leaving
with a suitcase?
- Don't worry about it.
- Is it work, Tom?
'Cause I have heard that you've blown
your way through quite a few jobs,
and the one thing about women
is that they can smell failure a mile away.
- It's not work, okay?
- Is it sexual?
Is there a midget
living in the basement?
If there is, they are selling
the pump on the internet,
- but I do not know if it works.
- I don't need a pump.
The thought of Sofia
alone and vulnerable-- I don't like it.
I swear to God, Chip, if you go
anywhere near my wife, I will--
What are you gonna do, Tom? You gonna
catch us on your hidden camera?
How do you know
about that?
- Let's drag.
- ( tires screech )
How do you know
about that?!
Chip.
I could not make it
up the steps.
Hope, I'm not imposing.
Son of a bitch.
Chip.
- Here you go.
- Thank you so much.
( softly )
You know, Bob,
I have to tell you...
That when I first heard the news,
I couldn't help it.
I cried.
Bless you, Chip.
I've been going
to that place for so long,
I'll probably go back
tomorrow out of instinct.
Chip, you should stay
for dinner.
- Wouldn't want to intrude.
- You wouldn't be intruding.
Sofia. Didn't know
you were here.
Yeah.
- ( Chip laughs )
- Absolutely incredible, Chipper.
- ( Chip laughs )
- Absolutely incredible, Chipper.
Well, it's not easy swimming
with just your arms,
Especially when
the water's just 38.
I can't believe
you're still alive.
Always been
a risk taker, Sofia.
I do like
to test the limits.
Amelia: Chip, you fill
this house with warmth,
and believe me,
we need that right now.
It isn't just that
Bob got fired,
but Tom and Sofia
are having a really--
- Mom. Mom!
- Well, you have.
- Food was delicious.
- It was.
- Wasn't it?
- ( speaks Spanish )
( both speaking Spanish )
- Anyway.
- Anyway, I rented a movie.
I've got it
in my saddlebag.
I was gonna go home,
watch it alone.
Love to share it,
if you guys are up to it.
- Amelia: You want to see a movie?
- Sure, Chip.
Make yourself comfortable.
I have some things to do
in the bathroom.
- Okay.
- ( Oliver fussing )
Woman on TV:
I want you.
- What do I do?
- Man on TV: Everything.
That's me.
( doorbell rings )
Sofia, I need to talk to you.
Listen, you have every right
to be upset with me.
- Sweetie, I'm not angry.
- Let me finish. Let me finish, okay?
I finally figured it out.
I didn't put the wrong tape
in the camera.
- Chip switched it.
- What?
I was right all along, baby. He's been
trying to sabotage me since day one
and now I have proof.
You can see his face
- in the reflection of my computer monitor.
- Hi, Tom.
What's he doing here?
What are you doing with my son?
- Get the baby away from him!
- Tom, cool it!
Why don't you take the baby?
Did you come over here
to get with my wife, Hot Wheels?
- Both: Tom!
- Hot Wheels?
Chip came over
'cause he heard Dad got fired.
And how did that happen?
The same way my chair got shorter?
The same way gay porn
got put on my computer?
You had everybody fooled,
didn't you,
- you "cripple"?
- Tom!
- That's enough.
- "Poor me! I'm in a wheelchair!
Everybody feel sorry for me and have
sex with me 'cause I can't use my legs."
Or can he?
He can walk.
I have proof.
What's that?
Get up, you faker.
You can walk.
Let's show them how you walk.
Tom, stop it!
What are you doing?
- Bob: Tom, what are you doing?
- He plays tennis.
Tom, you're gonna hurt him!
- Dad, do something!
- Come on!
Tom, have you lost your mind?
- Tom, what are you doing?
- Tom, the man can't walk!
- Oh, yeah? Let's find out!
- Oh, no!
( screaming )
- He's dead!
- I'm okay.
This isn't Chip.
It's Danny.
- Danny?
- He's Chip's twin brother!
He died in an accident
about five years ago.
He was my hero.
Tom, get down here!
Out of the house!
- Out of the house! Out!
- Tom!
I found--
I found it!
- I saw his--
- Tom, out!
I saw his reflection
in my computer monitor.
- Bob: Out!
- Out!
God's sakes, Tom, what the hell is
the matter with you?
You just threw a disabled man
down a flight of stairs.
Moushiwake, Bob.
Obviously I was wrong
about the cripple thing.
But he's the one responsible
for you getting fired.
What the hell is wrong with you?
You could have just killed him.
Sofia.
I think you should go.
Ow!
Stupid--
( gears grinding )
- Are you sure you're okay?
- I'm fine.
What I'm really
worried about is you.
I can tell that
you're not happy,
and I think
that it might be
because you're
on the wrong track.
I don't--
I don't know.
Maybe it's because
you're still looking
for something that
you haven't found yet.
You know, I mean...
I know that I am.
You know, I mean, everybody thinks
that I've got everything, you know?
The Ohio
Advertiser of the Year
and probably be hired
to go to Barcelona soon,
But I don't have anybody
I can share that with, you know?
And the one person
that really does it for me
is a girl that I met
back in high school.
We are the Tigers
and we're not cocky.
We'll run you... Kawasaki.
You know what I mean?
I've still got your panties
from that time that--
Okay, Chip.
It's time to go.
Okay, it's tough to hear.
I get it.
Stay the hell away
from my wife, Chip.
I got a news flash
for you, sparky:
Your wife's gone.
She's way out of your league,
and she's finally realized it, okay?
It's over.
Easy! Huh?
You think I can't defend myself
just 'cause I'm in a wheelchair?
- ( whimpers )
- No, I know hapkido!
That's for stealing
my yogurt, douche.
See you at school tomorrow!
( sobbing )
Don't cry, Mom.
I don't even know how
to take care of my own family.
What are you talking about?
Of course you do.
No, I don't.
You always knew
what to do.
You made it look so easy.
I thought I could just copy you.
But I just--
I can't figure it out.
I don't know
what I'm doing.
No-- honey, nobody knows
what they're doing.
There's nothing
to figure out.
Right.
It's okay, honey.
Mommy's here.
Mam est aqu.
( ringing )
Hello.
- Man: Is this senor Chip Sanders?
- What?
My name is Juan Castaneda
de los Cojones del Mono.
I am the executive
vice president of Idea,
the ad agency in Barcelona.
You sent to us your rsum.
Yes! Hello.
Hola. Como esta?
Very good. Thank you very much.
Will you indulge me,
please, sir, for one moment
and allow me to say
to you that your work
is absolutely genius?
Senor tomato is,
in a word, spectacular.
Yes, yes. Thank you.
Gracias.
You are very welcome.
I come to the point.
You, sir, are being chosen
for the position
of Director Creativo.
Can you fly to Barcelona
immediamente, please?
Sure!
S, gracias.
Super.
Definitivamente.
- ( answering machine beeps )
- Tom, Wollebin here.
We set up a meeting
with that Wesley kid,
but you probably know all about it,
seeing as your wife is his lawyer.
Screw it.
I'm gonna send Chip.
Shit!
Bob.
- Have you seen Sofia?
- No, I went to Best Buy.
When I got back, she was gone.
You all right?
Bob, there's something
I have to tell you.
The Wesley tape wasn't
destroyed in the fire.
I accidentally taped over it.
Sofia told me last night.
I told her the same thing
I'll say to you:
The only person responsible
for me losing my job is me.
I also started the fire.
It was an accident.
I wasn't aware.
Are you okay?
I bent over backwards
to sell Wollebin's vision,
and I, you know...
I knew in the back
of my mind it was bullshit.
- It is bullshit, Bob.
- It is.
- Screw him.
- Screw him!
Screw him!
( sighs )
You're all right, kid.
You're all right.
Sofia's getting
ice cream with Chip
- at Eddie's Sweets.
- Thank you, Bob.
- Oh, Jesus, Tom! You gotta take a shower.
- I'm sorry.
Go get her, son!
Boy: Hey, five bucks to whoever
can knock that tool off his bike!
( mocking laugh )
These rims aren't
supposed to bend.
Okay, Wesley.
You just sign there
at the bottom of the paper.
You're about to be a very
rich young man, okay?
Try not to get the fudge
on the contract.
- Don't do it, Wesley.
- Oh, good. Tom's here.
Tom, what happened to you?
Will everyone just please
listen to me for one second?
Okay, Sofia, Wesley,
Wesley's dad.
Sofia...
I know on paper
I'm not the most ideal husband.
I'm selfish,
I can't hold down a job,
And I think I may have turned
your father into a problem drinker.
Still, one thing you
said you loved about me
is that I could smell
bullshit a mile away.
Well, this guy, Sofia,
is stuffed full of bullshit.
And what he wants more than anything
in the world is to break us up.
You have to believe me.
What I realize now is
that you and Oliver
are the only things
in this entire world that matter to me.
- Am I the only one hearing violins?
- ( cell phone ringing )
- Baby, I can't lose you.
- Tom--
Hello.
Hola, senor.
No momento, por favor.
This is my dream job
in Spain, okay?
They're calling to make
the final travel arrangements.
It's the actual reason
that I came.
I don't really care
much about Wesley.
Hey, uncool.
Less words.
I have one question.
Sofia-- Sese--
do I have them buy me
one plane ticket to Spain...
or dos?
You know what, Chip?
I think you're weird and creepy,
And if you think I'd ever choose you
over the love of my life,
you're the most delusional man
on the face of the earth.
That'd be uno.
Gracias.
Thank you.
Sweetie, you couldn't
lose me if you tried.
And you've been trying
pretty hard lately.
Great. Momento.
I guess this is adis.
Sofia, you should know the night
that we made love, I faked my orgasm.
Tom, you are never
gonna beat me,
and I'm gonna send you a great
little thong shot from Barcelona.
Senor, if it's all
the same with you,
I'd like to travel today.
Of course, senor Chip.
Yes, absolutely.
I will have Barcelona's longest
limousine awaiting your arrival.
Fantstico.
- Everything worked out.
- Sure did.
Moushiwake, Chip.
- For what?
- I just wanted to say it one last time.
Little help?
( rock music playing )
( rock music playing )
Tom: I know you consider yourself
more of a mango man, buddy,
but I switched it up today.
Could you tell?
What flavor is that?
What flavor is that?
It's chutney.
I'm just kidding.
It's banana.
Also, you know what
you'd probably like?
I mixed in a little
of this new formula
which I found in Hoboken.
They say it's good stuff.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey, fatso.
What are the men folk
up to today?
The men--
we men...
are gonna go
to Coney Island with Paco.
'Cause I think
it's important
that he be exposed
to carnies at a young age.
- Hey, babe?
- Yeah?
I got breakfast in the oven.
Be ready in 15 minutes.
- I really can't be late.
- Chocolate croissant.
What's 15 minutes?
I know how we can spend
six of those minutes.
Six minutes-- you really think
you can last that long?
If I think about
Rosie O'Donnell,
I could last seven
and a half.
What do you think
of that?
# Maybe you could telephone #
# Maybe I could meet you
in the morning #
# Call me if you're
on you're own #
# Maybe I could meet you
in the morning... #
( Sofia squeals )
( man vocalizing )
# Mornings eleven,
the feelings are severed #
# I can't feel
anything at all #
- # But I would #
- # Die for you #
- # Oh, I would #
- # Die for you #
# All that I've ever seen,
all that I'll ever be #
# All that I ever was #
- # I would #
- # Die for you #
- # Oh, I would #
- # Die for you. #
So make sure that you understand,
when you're chopping things up
in the way that those people
to the north of Italy...
- ( Oliver crying )
- ... that they don't mind chopping...
That's the kid.
Let's go.
( TV channels change )
( shouting )
People are out of their minds.
Hey, Tom! You gotta
come see this guy.
- What?
- You missed it.
Let's go, man.
# This time of night
I could call you up #
# I'd get angry
with athletic ease #
# Break common laws
in twos and threes #
# If I die clutching
your photograph #
# Don't call me boring #
# It's just
'cause I like you #
# Oh, take me on back,
take me on back #
# Take me back
to the place #
# Where I could feel
your heart #
# Is this the end or just
the start of something #
# Really,
really beautiful #
# Wrapped up
and disguised #
# As something really,
really ugly? #
# Won't you #
# Come by and see me?
I'm a love letter away #
# I'd break your name
before I'd say #
# I really love you,
love you #
# No, I don't care
if you saw #
# I watched every inch
of film #
# Flash across
your roman features #
# And I loved it,
loved it #
# No, I don't care if #
# You think I'm eager
to shut your eyes #
# Well, I'm sorry
everybody knows #
# You can't break me
with your gutter prose #
# Would you believe it?
She sent me a letter #
# The ring, it nearly
weighs her down #
# She's got another boy,
oh, boy #
# Ready your ears,
steady your ears #
# And read my lips #
# Poetry is not a luxury #
# It's how I'll break this home #
# And when I'm really ill #
# Won't you cradle me? #
# Man is not a noble animal #
# But maybe woman is #
# Remember, I heard you #
# Inside your room,
you said you'd never really live #
# ntil your back's
against the wall #
# Oh, did you
really mean it? #
# No, I never break
my gaze #
# if just to see this scar remain
reflected in your eyes #
# I think it's time to go home #
# Marianne, let the ghosts
sleep tonight #
# Marianne,
let the ghosts sleep #
# Just shut your eyes
and burn the past #
# Marianne, let the ghosts
sleep tonight #
# Marianne,
let the ghosts sleep #
# Just shut your eyes
and burn the past #
# Marianne, let the ghosts
sleep tonight #
# Marianne,
let the ghosts sleep #
# Just shut your eyes
and burn the past #
# Marianne, let the ghosts
sleep tonight #
# Marianne,
let the ghosts sleep #
# Just shut your eyes
and burn the past away. #
( woman vocalizing )
# Well, here's a little game
for you and I #
# I'll give it a try #
# To play until
the blue skies fade #
# I'll take
the shade tree #
# All you have to do
is sit and smile #
# That sounds worthwhile #
# And imagine the future
of my baby and me #
# All we need #
# Is an afternoon
of skipping through the mind #
# And I know we'll find #
# We're two of a kind #
# Now here's a little game
for you to play #
# What kind
would you say? #
# A sort of a puzzle
as you soon will see #
# Now you've
intrigued me #
# All you have to do
is add things up #
# Sounds simple enough #
# And imagine what
one plus one plus one #
# Will be #
# All we need #
# Is an afternoon
of skipping through the mind #
# And soon
you will find #
# We're three of a kind. #
- "Nigel"?
- No.
"Leonard." That's cute.
That's so cute! We have a little fat kid
that likes internet porn.
Let's come up with our own name.
We don't need the book.
Like "Apple"
or "Destiny's Child."
- I'll tell you what...
- ( bell dings )
Honey, will you run in the kitchen
and get me my toast?
- Yes.
- Thank you.
The book says it's important
to have a name for the child
before the child is born.
Oh, that book.
You've got to relax with that book.
You're obsessed.
Honey, you know
doing research
makes me feel
more comfortable.
Speaking of which,
I've decided not to do an epidural.
- What?
- Yep.
Apparently, natural childbirth's
better for the baby.
But everybody says
the pain is unbearable.
I'm a tough girl.
I can handle it.
Whatever is best
for baby Big Nose.
Big Nose?
Oh, sorry, that's just the name
that popped into my head
when I was looking
at you.
Oh, that's very funny.
That's very funny.
- ( kissing )
- Honey, please!
You're going
to make me pee!
Whoa, whoa.
Look at the time. I gotta go.
- Promotion day.
- Good luck, sweetheart.
- Hey. I love you.
- I love you more.
Tom! Tom!
Tom Reilly.
How the hell are you, man?
What's going on?
Good, Forrest.
How are you?
The last time I saw you,
you were with Sofia Kowalski.
Yeah, we got married actually.
Way to go, man.
You know, I was never one
of the people that said
she was out of your league.
In their face, right?
Yeah.
- We're about to have a baby.
- Congratulations. That's fantastic.
Yeah, good stuff. My wife and I
just did that deal in December.
Kids are expensive
as hell, though.
I just made SVP
at Armstrong.
Making 500 grand a year
and we're barely making ends meet.
We just got a beach house
in the Hamptons.
- Oh.
- Piece of advice--
you want
the most blowjobs ever?
- Please.
- Get your wife a beach house.
- Oh.
- I'm serious. I can't keep her off my junk.
I'll have
to remember that.
Hey, come out to the Hamptons sometime.
We'll go sailing.
- I'll bring my yacht!
- Even better.
$500,000 a year.
Can you believe that?
I went to school
with this idiot.
He's one of the stupidest
people I ever met.
Where did I go wrong?
- Dude, you're a cook.
- I know.
I should have become
a hedge-fund guy.
I'd be getting BJs
out in East Hampton.
Okay, people!
A lot of hungry stockbrokers up there.
They're counting on you.
What's wrong?
Somebody left a bunch
of salmon out overnight.
Leon's docking
everybody's pay.
- That's ridiculous.
- You gotta talk to him, Tom.
No, no, no, no, no,
not me this time, guys. Sorry.
Tommy, you're the only
guy that can stand up to him.
Paco, my wife's about
to have a baby. I need this promotion.
This guy's going
to dock our pay, man.
Let's go, ladies!
I don't pay you
to stand around all day.
Hey, Summers, I need you
to work on Sunday, okay?
Leon, my sister's getting married
on Sunday, remember?
Well, you know what? You gotta tell me
that when I'm making out the schedule.
- I can't keep track of everyone's social life.
- I did tell you.
- I'll sub for him, Leon.
- Paco, silencio.
Summers, I'm sorry.
You got to be here Sunday.
That's it.
I don't make the rules.
Oh, wait.
Yes, I do.
You got something to say, Reilly?
I'd love to hear it.
Leon,
you're an asshole.
And you're fired.
- What?
- Adios, mijo.
You heard me, Banderas.
Hit the road.
Go on back to your 10-family shack
and watch Telemundo all day.
I don't give a shit,
all right?
Okay, we both got
a little carried away.
I admit it.
You admit it.
Let's just have a cool-down period, okay?
Do you want to use my apron?
I can get most
of that off.
Are you kidding me? You don't
hit a guy with a pork chop!
( clamoring )
- Tom: Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
- Leon: Come on!
- We're sorry. We're sorry. We're sorry.
- You're fired too.
Uh-huh!
Forrest, here's some pork,
on the house.
How's the ahi?
Sofia:
Oh, I'm so fat.
Sofia:
Oh, I'm so fat.
( grunts )
Don't give me that crazy look, Kimmy.
I see you.
I have too much to do
before I gotta get out of here.
Kimmy: Hey, Sof',
can I ask you something?
Do you really think you can
raise a kid on Tom's salary?
He's getting promoted
to head lunch-chef.
We're gonna be fine.
I have to say, I have a hard time
seeing you as a housewife.
I am not going to
be a housewife.
I'm going to be
a full-time mom.
Of course, yeah.
( gasps )
What?
- ( cell phone rings )
- Don't worry about it, man.
Hello.
Now?
It's a setback, baby,
but we're gonna get through this.
The important thing
is that we have
a beautiful, perfect,
handsome baby boy, right?
And we love each other.
Right?
Do you remember how we decided
that I was gonna stay home with our baby
and you were gonna
support us?
Sofia, it was the principle of the thing.
You should have seen this guy.
It's always
"the principle of the thing."
First, it was
the museum job,
but then you didn't want to turn into
a pretentious social climber.
Then you become
a magazine writer,
which lasts until you tell
your editor he's a whore.
Not an actual whore, Sofia.
A whore to the entertainment industry.
You speak your mind and you can
smell bullshit a mile away,
and that's what
I love about you,
but sooner or later,
people make compromises.
They don't like what they do.
They hate their boss.
They're bored most of the time.
It's what having a job is.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, well,
what if this whole thing
was a message from God?
What do you think God's
trying to tell us?
Maybe he's trying to tell us
that it's time for us
to move out
of New York City.
I could finally take your dad
up on his job offer.
I think Ohio will be the best place
to raise a baby.
We have your parents
to help us out.
You always said you didn't want
to work in an office.
But now all I care about
is taking care of you and him.
Okay?
Besides,
I think advertising
will be a pretty great job
to have, right?
Think up ideas all day long,
get paid for it?
- We could have a house and a car.
- ( siren blaring )
- It would be a lot quieter.
- Yes.
We could have a yard.
That's what
I'm talking about, baby--
you, me, Ollie,
chillin' in our yard
- with our cows.
- I could bake pies every day.
You know how to bake a pie?
How come you never made me a pie?
( rock music playing )
# He was tied to the bed #
# With a miracle drug
in one hand #
# In the other,
a great lost novel #
# That I understand
was returned #
# With a stamp #
# That said, "Thank you
for your interest"...#
Whoo-hoo, Ohio!
Look, Oliver!
- # While preparing his soul #
- Yes!
# For a perilous slide
into crime #
# He had decided
that he would err #
# On this side of divine #
# Being told
this is wise... #
Lot of white people
in this neighborhood.
# That there'd be payback
with interest in due time #
# So why #
# All the history now? #
Kids, welcome!
Great!
It's your parents.
They're in
our house already.
- Look at that baby!
- I'm gonna eat you!
- I'm gonna eat you up!
- Baby!
Your stuff got here
safe and sound,
not that you
had very much.
Dad, our apartment in New York
was about the size of this porch.
I love it.
Go ahead.
Whose furniture is this?
- Surprise!
- Got you a little housewarming gift.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah, you shouldn't have.
They threw in the bassinet
for half price.
( speaks Spanish )
Mom, what's with all
the Spanish?
This is your mother's
new crusade.
Oh, it's not a crusade,
Mr. Cynical.
Nancy Hodgekiss told me
about this family
that just moved here
from Argentina.
So I thought there must be
something I could do to help.
So I'm teaching
them English.
You know, having a job
completely changes a man, Tom.
It's not just
about the money.
It's about having
a purpose.
It's about feeling
proud of yourself.
- Dad.
- I've been employed before, Bob.
No, I'm not talking
about a cook.
I'm talking about
a real job.
- Dad, Tom was a chef.
- A chef's a cook, right?
Personally, I think being
a cook is a real job.
You want a tip on how to succeed,
you take a look at this girl here.
Did you know that your wife
was Phi Beta Kappa?
That she got 170
on the LSAT?
I know that, Bob.
If you remember,
we've been dating since college.
Me llamo el pollo...
( chirps )
Don't eat me!
I'm for grownups!
You know who I'm putting
in charge of training Tom?
- Chip Sanders.
- Oh, great.
Who's Chip Sanders?
Amelia:
Sofia never told you about Chip?
He's just this guy
I went to high school with.
Eat up, Tom. You got 20 more
chickens in there.
So what's this
Chip guy like?
I haven't seen him
for years.
We were
in cheerleading together.
Which reminds me,
When are you gonna dig out
one of your cheerleading outfits
and do a little
routine for me?
I don't know. Are you gonna
score a touchdown for me?
Oh, I will score
a touchdown.
I will.
Tom, don't.
It's just...
Oliver eats from there.
It just seems kind of weird.
I'm sorry. Maybe it's just
a little too early.
- Is that okay?
- Of course it's okay. Of course.
- It's totally fine.
- Okay.
Wish me luck, family members.
( kisses )
- Give 'em hell.
- I'll miss you guys.
( silent )
- # You've got the right #
- # We're tellin' you to remain satisfied. #
Tom, hi.
- Welcome to Sunburst.
- Thank you.
I should've told you,
suit and tie is not required.
Casual Friday
every day?
No, it's not business casual.
We tried that.
It's business appropriate.
It's about being yourself,
but in an appropriate way.
It's kind of special.
You know, I've been here
longer than anybody, 30 years.
Last year
a visionary took over.
His name-- Don Wollebin.
Bob: Guys! Guys,
I want you to meet Tom Reilly,
Our new assistant
associate-creative.
- Both: Hey, Tom.
- Hey, guys.
- This is Manny.
- This is Doug.
- Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
- Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
- What's that?
- What are you trying to do?
- You got something in your hand there?
- Hey, Tom, catch!
- Whoops!
- Yes!
Nice, Manny!
- Can't let my man down.
- You got to catch it, Tom.
The "yes" ball gets thrown around
the office all day long.
It's a way of showing
that we're all in sync.
- Oh.
- Don Wollebin taught us
that every company
is a multi-mind organism.
Do you know what
an organism is, Tom?
Sure.
An organism is a living thing.
Is it, Tom?
What about a person?
A person's a living thing.
Forgive me, Tom, but that's a pretty
old-fashioned way of looking at things.
See, here at Sunburst,
we treat people like people,
- not like things.
- Oh.
Don't worry about it. It took me
a while to get my mind around it as well.
Once you start thinking
about stuff in a new way,
it'll turn your whole
world upside down.
Come on.
Bob: People just aren't eating
as much fried fish anymore.
So Don says,
"Let's shift the paradigm.
Forget fried fish.
Let's re-invent
the tartar sauce
As a hamburger spread.
Call it 'Pickle Whip'
and sell it to teenagers!"
- That's classic Wollebin.
- Bob: No question.
Now last but not least,
I want to introduce
all of you
To our new assistant
associate-creative--
Tom Reilly.
Thank you all. I'm sure
that this experience will--
- Sit down, Tom. It's all right.
- Okay.
- Hey, Tom.
- Uh-oh.
Nice catch!
- Throw it!
- Nice!
Here we go!
Yes, throw it around!
Throw it around!
Oh, I don't want to do it, either.
Or do I?
Go long!
Come on, buddy.
You got to jump for those.
Unfortunately,
I can't.
And I haven't been
able to, Tom,
Since I was five.
It's great to meet you, though.
My name's Chip Sanders.
This is the guy you're
gonna be working under.
Hey, Chip, I'm really sorry
about what just happened.
I feel like an idiot.
Hold it right there, Tom.
We don't apologize at Sunburst.
The Japanese have a term
called moushiwake.
It's a way of saying
you're sorry
and taking responsibility.
At Sunburst, if you feel
you've fallen short,
you write a moushiwake
on one of these
little yellow pads.
Here. Here you go.
Just go ahead,
write it down.
"Chip, I'm sorry I threw
the imaginary ball"--
It's supposed
to be silent.
Tom, don't you
worry about it.
If I got depressed every time
somebody made a joke at my expense,
- I'd never get out of bed.
- I wasn't making a joke. I didn't--
Tom, you'll be working
under the best here.
- Oh, sticky.
- I'm sorry.
Chip just won Ohio
Advertiser of the Year.
- Congratulations.
- I don't do it for the awards.
He created
Senor Tomato
for the Ketchup Kaliente campaign.
Ay, caliente!
Arriba.
- I love this guy.
- Yeah, I'm pretty proud of him.
There's not a lot of Latino characters
in advertising.
He seems like
a really nice role model.
Well, it's nice to do well,
but also to do good.
But also to do good.
Ay, caliente!
- ( cooing )
- Look who's awake!
It's Mr. Stinky-winky!
It's Mr. Stinky-winky's pinkies.
You made mommy
a nice little poo, a stinky poo.
Yes, you did.
A binky drinky.
A pinky dinky.
"He backed away. His hand
holding the purple crayon shook."
You don't understand
a word I'm saying, do you?
"Johnson told the senate
subcommittee
he was satisfied
with the president's budget,
even though it represented
a 6% decrease
from last year."
So...
You married Sofia Kowalski.
- You are one lucky man.
- Thanks.
- Do you love her, Tom?
- Oh, yeah.
Do you earn her love
every single day?
I believe I do, Chip.
That's all I need to hear.
So, listen, I want you to know
that I don't care
Whether you got this job
through family connections
or had to earn it
like the rest of us.
What's important is that you're here,
and that's awesome.
Okay, well, I'm just
excited to jump in.
Whatever you got for me,
just let me know.
Hang on there, killer. We're gonna
walk before we run, okay?
- Did you see "Karate Kid"?
- Yeah.
Miyagi. Macchio.
Okay?
And right now we're in the
"Wax on, wax off" period.
Advertising here.
Advertising never here.
She and my mom got in a heated argument
and my mom took her to the ground
and started hitting her,
while my dad stood
over top, laughing.
Man #2: Did you later find out
that that wasn't true?
- Hearsay.
- Man #3: Your honor, hearsay.
- Man #2: Did you ever hear your sister say
- ( popping )
- that she hated your mother? .
- Man: Constantly.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
- Are those snaps?
- Yeah.
- That's pretty cool.
- It's pretty stupid.
My dad won't let me
watch TV anymore.
- That's bullshit, dude.
- Yeah.
This is all I can do.
Want to trade?
- Just kidding.
- ( silence )
Like, that one was a dud.
It happens.
So during the school year
I live with my mom in New Jersey.
And I spend the summer
here with my dad.
But he's at work
all the time,
and all my friends
live back in Parsippany,
so it's pretty gay.
Hey, think fast.
I'm just messing with you.
- I'm Carol, by the way.
- Tom.
- Hey, Tom, can I give you some advice?
- Yeah.
Get out of here. Run.
Run as fast as you can.
Walk out that door
and don't look back.
I'm just kidding.
But not really.
This is gonna be awesome.
Somebody's eating Chip's yogurt.
Watch your legs.
No brakes! Thank you.
How we doing, gang, huh?
Uh-oh. Either one
of you two guys seen--
- Is this your yogurt?
- Uh-huh.
Oh, because Bob had said
something about, like,
free snacks
in the kitchen.
Muffins.
Muffins are for everyone.
Yogurt's mine.
Everyone knows that.
Listen, my fault.
- You're new.
- I'll just go buy you another one.
No, no, I'm your mentor.
I should have told you.
I'll go hungry today.
That'll be my punishment.
No, no, please.
At least finish the rest of this.
No, you've already done about two-thirds
of that. Why don't you finish it off?
Okay, enjoy. It's peach.
My favorite.
I give you one week.
Sofia:
Who is that? Who is that?
Hi, Dad!
Dad, I pooped today.
What did you do?
Hey, please change
my diaper, Dad.
My dad loves Chip.
He's like the son he never had.
- What about me?
- It's completely different.
You're his son-in-law.
Chip's a great guy, babe.
He just--
I don't know. He seems a little
angry or something.
Well, maybe you'd be
a little angry too
if you'd lost
the use of your legs.
It's not that.
I don't know.
He just-- he's nice.
I just-- I think he might
have a dark side.
Tom, this is your
first week on the job.
I really hope you're
not picking a fight.
I'm not saying anything
bad about him.
Everybody has a dark side.
I have a dark side.
I'm very dangerous.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Come here.
- ( toilet flushes )
What's up?
- Who is that person?
- That's Wesley.
His dad doesn't let
him watch TV.
I don't see the wisdom
I don't see the wisdom
of selling directly
to consumers.
Do you remember we spoke about
Smith & Hawken, sir? 2,000% sales growth?
We've got
a three-pronged strategy--
web advertising,
product partnerships and print ads.
Actually, it's a four-pronged strategy.
You forgot about direct mailing.
Direct mailing
is not part of this strategy.
- Actually, it is.
- No, it's not.
It is, Chip. If you took the time
to read the report like I did,
pages 23 through 29,
direct mailing.
I specifically said,
"No junk mail."
Now "no junk mail" means
"no direct mailing."
Did my son say
you could do this?
This meeting is over.
Goodbye.
( sighs )
I'm really sorry.
I guess I shouldn't
have said that.
That report was for internal
distribution only.
That's what "for internal
distribution only" means.
Mr. Nordhaus' son asked us
not to tell his father
about the direct mailing.
Because in five years,
when direct mailing takes effect,
- Mr. Nordhaus'll be dead.
- I can still hear you.
- ( phone clicks )
- I guess we can kiss that account goodbye.
Bob, I'm really sorry.
I mean, moushiwake.
I'll write
a moushiwake, Bob.
Bob, if anybody should be
writing a moushiwake, it's me.
- Tom is my responsibility.
- Bob: Chip, please.
He's the one
who screwed up.
Wollebin gets back
from Nepal tomorrow.
I don't want to tell him you blew
a major account on your second day.
I'm gonna say it was me.
Oh, no, no, I can't let you
take the rap for that.
- Let me do it.
- Absolutely not, Chipper.
It's my family.
I'll clean up the mess.
Well, thank you, Bob.
I appreciate that.
Let's go back to work.
Hey, Tom, it's probably
none of my business,
but I doubt I'd ever
let my father-in-law
take a bullet
for me like that.
- Chip, it is none of your business.
- Sofia.
We are the Tigers!
And we're not cocky.
But we'll run you over...
Both:
Like a Kawasaki.
Vroom-vroom!
- Hey, baby.
- Sofia, hey! Let me see the baby.
- This is him.
- Oh my gosh,
look what you've made!
Who's the father?
Have you found him?
Sofia, ready, okay!
Remember this?
Both:
Let me tell you what we are:
W-i-n-n-e-r!
That's it!
Second half, second half.
Let me tell you
what you are:
L-o-s-e-r!
- That's great.
- Chip: And...
Riverside Tigers,
out of sight!
Riverside Tigers,
dyn-o-mite!
- I want to show you my--
- Hang on. Hang on.
- Explode.
- Explode!
- Explode!
- ( laughs )
Explode?
Come on, you remember
how strong Chips Ahoy is.
- Come on, I got you. Ready? Ha!
- Okay.
Explode!
Oh, yeah.
I can't believe he remembered
all the moves.
Oh, yeah,
he's a real champ.
I bet he had a huge crush
on you in high school, didn't he?
Well...
we did sort of
have sex once.
What?
I thought you said he was
paralyzed from the waist down.
Well, not completely.
So you just, like,
forgot to tell me about it?
It was a long time ago.
I didn't want you thinking
about that when you met the guy.
It's gross. I think you showed
really bad judgment.
- Why?
- Because, no offense to Chip...
but he's a dick.
You're not really jealous,
are you?
Don't you know I'm saving
my special cheer for you?
- You have a special cheer?
- Yeah.
Can I see it?
Show me upstairs.
- Hi.
- Hello, Wesley.
Can I get you anything?
No, I'm all right.
Got my Twizzler.
- You got it?
- Yeah, I got it.
So you spend any time at your
own house there, Wesley?
Wesley's mom
lives in New Jersey,
and his dad works late.
Oh...
well, I'm glad
we could help out.
Welcome to the family, Wesley.
Thanks, Tom.
Hey, guys,
You wanna see
something really cool?
Sure.
( gulps )
Wesley, you're gonna
hurt yourself.
That was awesome.
Wait a second.
This is it.
- Sofia: What are you doing?
- The Pickle Whip campaign.
This is how I'm gonna
redeem myself.
You gotta promise me
you're never gonna do that again.
Do that again.
- I don't feel so good.
- Oh, come on, buddy. I need this for work.
- I don't know.
- I'll give you 20 bucks.
- Tom!
- Done and done.
Ow!
You hit my face.
If you want to feel
your insignificance
in the vastness of the universe,
I mean really feel it,
try boarding
in the Himalayas.
You, inspire me.
Sorry about your face.
That's Don Wollebin.
The rollercoaster
comes down the hill.
Right?
Smash cut to this guy.
"I am going so fast!
Wow!"
And a brief shot of his buddies.
Wait a minute.
This can only
go one direction--
"Whoaaaa!"
Rolls right into
a pile of Pickle Whip.
Tagline:
( mimics child's voice )
"Get whipped!"
( chuckles )
I think that's really neat.
Hmm.
- That feels like a commercial.
- Exactly.
Who here
likes commercials?
Really, you like commercials?
Nobody likes commercials.
You know, that's true too.
( all murmuring )
We need a new slogan
around here--
( murmurs )
"No commercials."
Definitely food for thought.
Chipper, did you--
Yes, I will give it a go.
Uh, Don, I've been thinking
along the same lines.
I don't see these as commercials,
I see them more like 30-second movies.
Having said that...
Power Pickle.
He's Senor Tomato,
only less Mexican,
and more attitude.
Power Pickle
loves extreme skating.
He loves
extreme snowboarding.
Also enjoys
extreme skydiving.
Most of all,
he enjoys extreme lunching.
Ha!
"Extreme lunching."
I think you have
something there.
( whispers )
Power... Pickle.
"Power Pickle."
It's phallic.
- Bob: Phallic.
- Oops.
Anyone else?
- Well, I have something.
- Who's this?
This is Tom Reilly. He's our
new assistant associate-creative.
Tom, it's generally
the creatives
or the associate-
creatives
who make these proposals.
It is better to listen
to a wise beggar
than a rich fool.
I want to hear the beggar.
Okay, thank you.
I saw this kid do this
kind of funny trick
the other day.
And I don't know,
I think it would make a hilarious ad.
Tell me what you guys think.
( laughing )
No way!
That's funny.
Congratulations, Tom.
You did it.
Tom, I want you going down
to Lion's Pride tomorrow
to show this thing
to Jack Connor.
- Chip.
- Boss.
You're Tom's wingman
on this thing.
Wingman, his.
How about that?
Do you mountain bike?
Yeah, whenever I get
the chance.
There's some amazing trails
around here, especially at dawn.
It's awe-inspiring.
We should go sometime.
Yeah.
- All right.
- Yeah, it's great, yeah.
I got to get a bike.
Hey, I hope there's
no hard feelings,
'cause I thought your whole
extreme pickle thing was really cool,
- when he was skydiving and stuff--
- Tom.
Let me tell you something:
If you think I care about Power Pickle,
you're sorely mistaken, okay?
I can think up ideas
like that in my sleep.
And someday, when I'm
kicking ass in Barcelona,
I'm gonna look back
on this whole campaign
as some sad, pathetic,
little joke.
He said that?
I have no idea what
he was talking about.
There's this ad agency
in Barcelona called Idea.
They're, like, cutting-edge
euro-geniuses.
Chip applied for a job there.
Nobody's supposed to know about it,
but I saw him
mailing off a bunch
of Senor Tomato figurines.
- That guy is out of his mind.
- Tell me about it.
He is great
in the sack, though.
- How do you know?
- Nancy slept with him last Christmas.
She said it was
the best sex she ever had.
Apparently, he can, like,
balance on his arms
and then the angle
makes it intense
- because you're sitting--
- I don't want to hear about it, okay?
- What the hell?
- What?
- Someone stole the picture of my wife.
- ( doorbell rings )
- Sofia Kowalski!
- Abby March, wow!
Hey, it is so good
to see you.
- And who is this little guy?
- This is Oliver.
Petey--
Petey,
Do you want
to give Oliver a hug?
Hmm? Yeah?
Oh, that's a big yes.
Oh, yes.
Loves.
Oh. Loves.
Loves for your new friend, oh.
"Apana" is the sanskrit word
for "waste."
The apana asana
aids in digestion
And helps with gas
and constipation.
Shall we get permission?
- ( all whispering )
- ( babies fussing )
Do you want to do apana?
Good? Thank you.
Abby:
Sofia...
I noticed that you didn't
ask Oliver's permission.
In our class,
we use the RIE method.
You must ask
your baby's permission
- before you do anything.
- Oh, okay.
Isn't that right, Petey?
Did you need some?
I don't know.
What is it?
It's bag balm.
Dairy farmers use it
as a moisturizer for cow udders.
It is the best thing
in the world for sore nipples.
I have a ton at home.
You are welcome to have this.
Thanks. Yeah, breastfeeding's
been hell for me.
As soon as Oliver
hits six months,
I'm switching
to formula, big time.
( fussing,
whispering stops )
Sofia, please no formula.
If you don't want to do it,
I'll breastfeed Oliver myself.
Wollebin just gave this to me
to thank me for hiring you.
- Wow.
- You know,
it hasn't been exactly
smooth for me
since he took over.
Anyway, I just want
to tell you that
I think you're
doing a great job, son.
Well, thank you...
- Dad.
- Have you seen my whales?
What?
Have I showed you
my whales?
No.
Sometimes I just sit
in here and stare at them.
- ( whales calling )
- Bob: It's so peaceful.
I even give them names.
That one-- ow, fuck!
- Are you okay?
- That lamp is hotter than shit!
- ( Oliver crying )
- Shh, come on, buddy.
( shushing )
- After you.
- Hi.
Hello, wife.
Hello, child.
- Daddy's home.
- He's been like this all day.
Oh, no!
What's wrong, cranky bear?
Hey, little bear.
- ( stops crying )
- Hi.
Gotta be kidding me.
- What's with the bike?
- Hot, right?
Wollebin asked me to go
mountain biking with him.
He asked me right after
he put me in charge
of the Pickle Whip
campaign.
- $1,200?
- Babe, a bike like that should cost $1,500.
Try and bend those rims.
Try. Kick 'em.
You can't bend those rims.
They're called
high-performance rims.
Honey, you've never been
mountain biking in your life.
Look, if you want me to return the bike,
I'll return the bike.
- I want you to return the bike.
- No, I'm not going to return the bike,
Because I think
physical fitness is important,
and I think it's good
for my career.
My day was terrible.
This girl I hated
in high school came over
and made me go
to her baby group
and everyone called me
a bad mommy.
You're an amazing mommy.
Daddy gets to go mountain
biking with Wollebin.
Chip can't go
mountain biking.
- Tom.
- It was a joke.
I don't think making fun
of peoples' handicap is funny.
It was a joke.
Asleep in under
five minutes.
Daddy's got
the magic touch.
So what does Wesley get out
of this whole Pickle Whip thing?
I already got him
to sign a release.
He gets $1,000
if the ad airs.
What are you doing?
It's bag balm, Tom.
They use it for cow's udders.
"Rub on udders." Wow.
I don't know, sweetie.
It just feels like the whole thing's
a little exploitative
of Wesley.
Oh, I get it.
I think I see what's happening.
Somebody's a little jealous.
- What?
- Oh, come on.
You're used
to being the star,
And now I'm in
the limelight a little bit.
It's probably driving
you crazy. Admit it.
Admit it.
- Score a touchdown.
- Not gonna happen, Tom.
Use the bag balm.
Jack, good to see you again.
How are you?
Please meet Tom Reilly.
He's been helping me out on the campaign.
( Irish accent )
Reilly, is it?
Do you have Irish blood
in you by any chance?
( Irish accent )
Me father's father was an Irishman,
so I have a wee bit
of the leprechaun in me.
Are you making fun of me?
( normal voice )
No, I'm sorry. L-- l--
I thought that was
a fake accent.
- Why?
- I don't know.
I don't know.
That was unfortunate.
Jack, you're gonna love
the new campaign. Let's jump right in.
( gulps )
I mean,
is that something?
Is that incredible
or what?
When I saw that kid,
I said, "that's it."
We've all just said hello
to the new face of Pickle Whip.
- Well done, Chip.
- Thanks so much, Jack.
So sorry, but you're gonna
all have to excuse me.
Jack.
( whispers )
- Oh, certainly, of course.
- Great.
Chip:
And, Tom, do us a favor, please,
and present the market-
penetration strategy.
Market-penetration
strategy.
Something that's very important
to today's youth market...
Penetration.
Let's stick
with long-range,
Because that way we know
we're gonna maximize "p"--
Profit.
Isn't "p" price?
You're thinking
of uppercase.
This is a lowercase "p".
Write that down.
Here we go.
Next slide.
That's just "J" and "Q".
There they are.
Next slide.
Have you talked to Chris
about the penetration strategy?
- Chris?
- Chris Caldwell.
Woman:
Your director of market research.
Oh, "Chris" Chris.
"Chris" Chris. Yes.
I talked to him this morning.
He loves it.
Chris Caldwell
is a woman.
Yes.
Why did you say "he"?
It's a little joke we have.
Everybody calls Chris
a "he" because...
she looks like a man.
She had
a little mustache.
But it's gone.
She waxed it.
Tom, sorry I had
to duck out.
How'd the rest
of the meeting go?
How do you think it went?
You left me high and dry in there.
I'm sorry.
I had a medical emergency.
Yeah, right.
What kind of emergency?
Well, I don't really enjoy talking about it
in front of other people,
but if you must know, I sometimes
have a bladder control problem, okay?
It's very embarrassing, but it is one
of the things that you have to deal with
when you're paralyzed
from the waist down.
Really, Chip?!
Because my wife informs me
that you're not completely
paralyzed down there.
( beeps )
Carol:
Don't get your undies in a bunch.
You're not
gonna get fired.
Look, first of all,
word on the street
is that Jack Connor
is like a total alcoholic.
- He's not gonna remember he met you.
- I can't lose this job.
- I promised my wife.
- You can't drive yourself crazy
trying to please your wife.
You gotta relax.
- Yeah, I do.
- Right.
And the thing is, I don't give
a shit about tartar sauce.
Who cares about
tartar sauce, you know?
I mean, I don't want
to be one of those people
obsessing about things
that don't matter.
Yes!
When you get fired...
you're gonna be able
to start from scratch.
- You said I wasn't gonna get fired.
- Whatever.
Bob: A toast!
You know, Tom,
to be honest,
for a long time,
Amelia and I have been wondering
how long it's gonna take you
to get your act together.
- Bob!
- Amelia, please!
It's taken you a while,
but you finally realized
who you are.
You're an ad man.
Tom Reilly.
Ad man.
Tom:
You look up to me now, buddy.
When you get a little bit older,
You're gonna realize
that your dad
has absolutely no idea
what he's doing.
I don't want
to go back out there.
I don't want to go back out there,
so how about you and me,
we're just gonna sit in here
until you crap your pants again.
Okay?
Are you okay?
Yeah, why?
I know starting a job
can be really stressful,
but you know you can
talk to me about it.
Chip said you blew up
at him today.
- What?
- He was worried about you.
He said you were
acting kind of hostile.
I'm acting hostile?
( soft rock playing )
( faint cheering )
( cheering intensifies )
Yeah!
( screams )
( Oliver crying
over monitor )
Jack Connor tore me
a new asshole this morning.
What the hell
is the matter with you?
Bob, moushiwake, okay?
But Chip hung me out to dry.
Jack said that you made fun
of his mother for having a mustache!
That's not true.
I said Chris Caldwell had a mustache.
Chris Caldwell doesn't
have a mustache!
I thought Chris Caldwell was a man
because Chris is often a man's name.
Three creatives came
to me this morning
and said that you were
humiliating Chip about his disability.
- Chip is trying to sabotage me.
- Chip is trying to mentor you!
He came to me and said,
"How can I help him?"
Oh, don't you see?
That's part of his plan.
He's like a mind-game genius,
that guy.
You know, you may not
care that I put my job on the line
to get you hired, but you moved
your family 1,000 miles for this.
You've got to pull
yourself together.
We're just
washing our hands.
I just put him down for a nap.
I'm desperate for a little grownup talk.
- Did DePalma come back to you?
- Yeah, we got a court date.
No, no, no, the other file.
Honey, I'm so sorry.
It's crazy here.
- Can I call you later? .
- Sure.
Tom, wait up.
Sorry about that back there.
Tom, wait up.
Sorry about that back there.
- Rough times, huh?
- Yeah.
Hey, looks like someone could use
a good listener, buddy, huh?
I just don't think I fit
into this place, Manny.
- I've been there, man.
- You?
You are Sunburst.
What are you talking about?
You think so, huh?
The second I bought this little guy,
it made me feel a whole lot more hip.
- Want to try it on?
- No, no,
why don't you keep it?
Because that's yours.
It's not really a hipness thing.
I just...
I'm not getting along
with Chip at all
and that's really starting to mess up
my relationship with my wife.
Well, I think today's
your lucky day.
- I'm studying to be a marriage counselor.
- Really?
( all laughing )
Sofia, remember that the laughter
starts deep within
and then just comes
ro-ho-ho-ho-olling out.
Ha-ha-ha!
Yeah, I really only laugh
when something
funny happens.
I've noticed that Oliver
isn't very happy.
- He never smiles.
- He smiles all the time.
He just isn't smiling right now.
Now you're not gonna
like this, Sofia,
but you are
a very unhappy person,
and I don't think
it's good for Oliver.
You're not going to like this either,
Abby, but you're an idiot.
And your son Petey is a dipshit.
It's okay.
- ( Oliver crying )
- I know, sweetie. Here.
# It's professor polar bear,
it's professor polar bear #
- # It's professor polar bear. #
- ( horn honks )
Let's start by taking
a nice deep breath.
Just relax, okay?
( telephone ringing )
Mom!
Mom, answer the phone!
So sorry. Mom!
Answer the phone and don't
come down here. I'm having a session.
Many of the exercises I'm studying
are a little new age-y,
so I hope you guys'll
just trust me and roll with it.
- Sure.
- Sure, Manny.
Great.
Let's start by...
holding each
other's genitals.
- Okay, I'm leaving.
- What?!
- No, not holding, poking.
- You're not poking anything.
Baby, he's kidding.
Tell me you're kidding.
I'm kidding. Just want to lighten
the mood, that's all.
- Lightening the mood. Come on.
- That's all it is.
Okay, you know what?
Don't sit down. I've got an exercise.
This is called
"I'm upset that..."
It's a great way to get to the root
of hurt feelings.
You'll each complete the sentence,
"I'm upset that..."
and then tap each other
with the bat, okay?
Sofia, you go first.
I'm upset that you bought
that mountain bike.
Now tap him.
Boom.
Good. Tom.
I'm upset that...
we haven't had sex
in a long time.
I'm upset that you didn't get the chance
to have an 8-lb. Baby
shoot out of your vagina.
Maybe then you'd understand.
Good.
That's great.
I'm upset that
you banged Chip!
- You banged Chip?
- No.
- Yes.
- I'm upset that you told him I banged Chip.
Ow!
You're not supposed
to hit people in the face.
I'm upset that you talked me
into coming here!
Don't hit me anymore please.
- Please don't hit me anymore.
- ( whip cracks )
No, that was helpful.
Look what I grabbed
on the way out.
I love you so much.
- I love you too.
- But are you happy?
You can tell me.
- L--
- ( cell phone rings )
Wait, that might
be the babysitter.
Hello.
So I'm looking through
the 1989 "Tiger's Paw"
and I see a picture of a very
pretty girl in a Yaz t-shirt.
Yeah, you know what? I can't really talk
right now. Can I call you back later?
"Chipwich,
thanks for making the last
four years so awesome.
2 cool 2B 4-gotten."
Boy, those words have gotten me
through some pretty tough times.
( slow electronica
playing on laptop )
I got you.
Got you now, you freak.
Oh my God.
Tom-- Tom is a man with vision,
and I want him in that meeting.
Take this down to video tech
first thing in the morning.
- Yes.
- I want them to put the tag on it
- and then make dubs.
- Dubs.
Okay, all right.
( Bob mimicking whale call )
Careful.
( horn honks )
Hey, hey, buddy!
Just the man
I wanted to see!
We're going to do that cool
hamburger trick again, buddy.
- I can't.
- What are you talking about? Sure you can.
- I don't eat meat anymore.
- What?
I saw this show yesterday
about how they made meat.
It's all about killing animals.
- You became a vegetarian yesterday?
- Yeah. So what?
All right, cool, whatever.
We'll get you a veggie burger.
- Nah.
- Wesley, you'll get to be famous.
Like Harry Potter
or Urkel.
Tom, it's not gonna happen.
End of discussion.
- Don't be an idiot, Wesley. Give it to me.
- It's mine!
Now you'll get it back
when you eat a hamburger.
- Hey, come here!
- Help!
Wesley.
Wesley!
Wesley, I'm not
done talking to you!
Can I help you?
Tom: Hey...
I just moved in next door.
Nice to meet you.
Just talking to Wesley. He's great.
- Sofia: Tom.
- Yeah.
Were you just yelling
at Wesley?
I need you to talk to that kid.
His priorities are out of line.
- What are you talking about?
- I accidentally taped over
the video of Wesley. We got
to get him to eat another burger.
Honey, if he doesn't want to
do it, find somebody else.
Sure, honey. I'll just get
one of the other kids on the block
who can swallow
a hamburger in one bite.
I'm sure there's not
a gag reflex on the block.
Okay, you gotta calm down.
You're acting crazy.
- I'm acting crazy? That little twerp--
- ( knock on door )
Could you get that?
Hi.
I believe your husband
has my son's
skateboard.
And now they're gonna
make me out to be the bad guy.
Nbelievable.
Fireman: Let's open up
some windows over there.
Tom, you are not
going to believe this.
Bob left the Wesley tape
on his desk and we lost it.
Ah-ah! No shoes
on the prayer mat.
We found the culprit.
Somebody left the bulb
touching a stack of paper.
Don:
Damn it!
Jesus Christ, Bob.
- It was just an accident.
- No, no, no, no.
It's been a series
of mistakes, Tom.
Earlier this week,
he cost us a major account.
Could have been
the next Smith & Hawken.
Don, I can fix this.
I can fix it. All I got to do
is get Wesley on tape again.
Trust me. I can fix it.
Go for help now. Go!
Tom: I'm not gonna
hurt you, Wesley.
I just want
to talk to you.
Look what I got.
$1,000 from my very
own bank account, huh?
For you!
What do you say?
My lawyer said I can't
talk to you, dude.
- Your lawyer?
- Hey, get away from the kids!
- Get away from the kids!
- I'm just talking to him!
- Get away from the kids!
- ( screaming )
- Wesley: Come on, pick 'em up!
- Tom: What, are you crazy?!
I know.
I can't believe it either.
I will.
Wait, Mom. Tom just got home.
Let me call you right back.
My dad got fired.
What?
( sighs )
I told him to wait.
I was going to fix everything.
He got blamed
for some kind of fire.
Oh my God.
It's not about that.
You see, the Wesley video
got destroyed in the fire, so--
The Wesley video?
What?
You told me you taped over
the Wesley video.
I know, and what I'm trying
to explain to you
is that
it wasn't one thing.
But Wollebin knows that the tape thing
wasn't my dad's fault, right?
Sofia, it's a very
complicated situation.
Did you tell him or not?
Yes or no?
- It wouldn't have made a difference!
- I don't believe you.
You know what, Sofia?
If you'd helped me get Wesley to redo
the video instead of taking his side,
- none of this would have happened.
- Are you insane?
Your dad was gonna
get fired anyway!
Do you want me to volunteer
to get fired too? I tried to fix it.
It didn't work.
I'm sorry.
I'm doing all of this
for you, Sofia.
Everything.
You have it so easy.
You get to hang out
with Oliver all day
You think I like
what I'm doing?
You think I like
that stupid job? I hate it!
I am completely miserable!
- Sofia.
- I'm going to my parents'.
Call me when
you calm down.
Sweet ride, Tom. And I thought
this thing was a poon magnet.
What the hell are
you doing here, Chip?
I was just
in the neighborhood.
Did I see Sofia leaving
with a suitcase?
- Don't worry about it.
- Is it work, Tom?
'Cause I have heard that you've blown
your way through quite a few jobs,
and the one thing about women
is that they can smell failure a mile away.
- It's not work, okay?
- Is it sexual?
Is there a midget
living in the basement?
If there is, they are selling
the pump on the internet,
- but I do not know if it works.
- I don't need a pump.
The thought of Sofia
alone and vulnerable-- I don't like it.
I swear to God, Chip, if you go
anywhere near my wife, I will--
What are you gonna do, Tom? You gonna
catch us on your hidden camera?
How do you know
about that?
- Let's drag.
- ( tires screech )
How do you know
about that?!
Chip.
I could not make it
up the steps.
Hope, I'm not imposing.
Son of a bitch.
Chip.
- Here you go.
- Thank you so much.
( softly )
You know, Bob,
I have to tell you...
That when I first heard the news,
I couldn't help it.
I cried.
Bless you, Chip.
I've been going
to that place for so long,
I'll probably go back
tomorrow out of instinct.
Chip, you should stay
for dinner.
- Wouldn't want to intrude.
- You wouldn't be intruding.
Sofia. Didn't know
you were here.
Yeah.
- ( Chip laughs )
- Absolutely incredible, Chipper.
- ( Chip laughs )
- Absolutely incredible, Chipper.
Well, it's not easy swimming
with just your arms,
Especially when
the water's just 38.
I can't believe
you're still alive.
Always been
a risk taker, Sofia.
I do like
to test the limits.
Amelia: Chip, you fill
this house with warmth,
and believe me,
we need that right now.
It isn't just that
Bob got fired,
but Tom and Sofia
are having a really--
- Mom. Mom!
- Well, you have.
- Food was delicious.
- It was.
- Wasn't it?
- ( speaks Spanish )
( both speaking Spanish )
- Anyway.
- Anyway, I rented a movie.
I've got it
in my saddlebag.
I was gonna go home,
watch it alone.
Love to share it,
if you guys are up to it.
- Amelia: You want to see a movie?
- Sure, Chip.
Make yourself comfortable.
I have some things to do
in the bathroom.
- Okay.
- ( Oliver fussing )
Woman on TV:
I want you.
- What do I do?
- Man on TV: Everything.
That's me.
( doorbell rings )
Sofia, I need to talk to you.
Listen, you have every right
to be upset with me.
- Sweetie, I'm not angry.
- Let me finish. Let me finish, okay?
I finally figured it out.
I didn't put the wrong tape
in the camera.
- Chip switched it.
- What?
I was right all along, baby. He's been
trying to sabotage me since day one
and now I have proof.
You can see his face
- in the reflection of my computer monitor.
- Hi, Tom.
What's he doing here?
What are you doing with my son?
- Get the baby away from him!
- Tom, cool it!
Why don't you take the baby?
Did you come over here
to get with my wife, Hot Wheels?
- Both: Tom!
- Hot Wheels?
Chip came over
'cause he heard Dad got fired.
And how did that happen?
The same way my chair got shorter?
The same way gay porn
got put on my computer?
You had everybody fooled,
didn't you,
- you "cripple"?
- Tom!
- That's enough.
- "Poor me! I'm in a wheelchair!
Everybody feel sorry for me and have
sex with me 'cause I can't use my legs."
Or can he?
He can walk.
I have proof.
What's that?
Get up, you faker.
You can walk.
Let's show them how you walk.
Tom, stop it!
What are you doing?
- Bob: Tom, what are you doing?
- He plays tennis.
Tom, you're gonna hurt him!
- Dad, do something!
- Come on!
Tom, have you lost your mind?
- Tom, what are you doing?
- Tom, the man can't walk!
- Oh, yeah? Let's find out!
- Oh, no!
( screaming )
- He's dead!
- I'm okay.
This isn't Chip.
It's Danny.
- Danny?
- He's Chip's twin brother!
He died in an accident
about five years ago.
He was my hero.
Tom, get down here!
Out of the house!
- Out of the house! Out!
- Tom!
I found--
I found it!
- I saw his--
- Tom, out!
I saw his reflection
in my computer monitor.
- Bob: Out!
- Out!
God's sakes, Tom, what the hell is
the matter with you?
You just threw a disabled man
down a flight of stairs.
Moushiwake, Bob.
Obviously I was wrong
about the cripple thing.
But he's the one responsible
for you getting fired.
What the hell is wrong with you?
You could have just killed him.
Sofia.
I think you should go.
Ow!
Stupid--
( gears grinding )
- Are you sure you're okay?
- I'm fine.
What I'm really
worried about is you.
I can tell that
you're not happy,
and I think
that it might be
because you're
on the wrong track.
I don't--
I don't know.
Maybe it's because
you're still looking
for something that
you haven't found yet.
You know, I mean...
I know that I am.
You know, I mean, everybody thinks
that I've got everything, you know?
The Ohio
Advertiser of the Year
and probably be hired
to go to Barcelona soon,
But I don't have anybody
I can share that with, you know?
And the one person
that really does it for me
is a girl that I met
back in high school.
We are the Tigers
and we're not cocky.
We'll run you... Kawasaki.
You know what I mean?
I've still got your panties
from that time that--
Okay, Chip.
It's time to go.
Okay, it's tough to hear.
I get it.
Stay the hell away
from my wife, Chip.
I got a news flash
for you, sparky:
Your wife's gone.
She's way out of your league,
and she's finally realized it, okay?
It's over.
Easy! Huh?
You think I can't defend myself
just 'cause I'm in a wheelchair?
- ( whimpers )
- No, I know hapkido!
That's for stealing
my yogurt, douche.
See you at school tomorrow!
( sobbing )
Don't cry, Mom.
I don't even know how
to take care of my own family.
What are you talking about?
Of course you do.
No, I don't.
You always knew
what to do.
You made it look so easy.
I thought I could just copy you.
But I just--
I can't figure it out.
I don't know
what I'm doing.
No-- honey, nobody knows
what they're doing.
There's nothing
to figure out.
Right.
It's okay, honey.
Mommy's here.
Mam est aqu.
( ringing )
Hello.
- Man: Is this senor Chip Sanders?
- What?
My name is Juan Castaneda
de los Cojones del Mono.
I am the executive
vice president of Idea,
the ad agency in Barcelona.
You sent to us your rsum.
Yes! Hello.
Hola. Como esta?
Very good. Thank you very much.
Will you indulge me,
please, sir, for one moment
and allow me to say
to you that your work
is absolutely genius?
Senor tomato is,
in a word, spectacular.
Yes, yes. Thank you.
Gracias.
You are very welcome.
I come to the point.
You, sir, are being chosen
for the position
of Director Creativo.
Can you fly to Barcelona
immediamente, please?
Sure!
S, gracias.
Super.
Definitivamente.
- ( answering machine beeps )
- Tom, Wollebin here.
We set up a meeting
with that Wesley kid,
but you probably know all about it,
seeing as your wife is his lawyer.
Screw it.
I'm gonna send Chip.
Shit!
Bob.
- Have you seen Sofia?
- No, I went to Best Buy.
When I got back, she was gone.
You all right?
Bob, there's something
I have to tell you.
The Wesley tape wasn't
destroyed in the fire.
I accidentally taped over it.
Sofia told me last night.
I told her the same thing
I'll say to you:
The only person responsible
for me losing my job is me.
I also started the fire.
It was an accident.
I wasn't aware.
Are you okay?
I bent over backwards
to sell Wollebin's vision,
and I, you know...
I knew in the back
of my mind it was bullshit.
- It is bullshit, Bob.
- It is.
- Screw him.
- Screw him!
Screw him!
( sighs )
You're all right, kid.
You're all right.
Sofia's getting
ice cream with Chip
- at Eddie's Sweets.
- Thank you, Bob.
- Oh, Jesus, Tom! You gotta take a shower.
- I'm sorry.
Go get her, son!
Boy: Hey, five bucks to whoever
can knock that tool off his bike!
( mocking laugh )
These rims aren't
supposed to bend.
Okay, Wesley.
You just sign there
at the bottom of the paper.
You're about to be a very
rich young man, okay?
Try not to get the fudge
on the contract.
- Don't do it, Wesley.
- Oh, good. Tom's here.
Tom, what happened to you?
Will everyone just please
listen to me for one second?
Okay, Sofia, Wesley,
Wesley's dad.
Sofia...
I know on paper
I'm not the most ideal husband.
I'm selfish,
I can't hold down a job,
And I think I may have turned
your father into a problem drinker.
Still, one thing you
said you loved about me
is that I could smell
bullshit a mile away.
Well, this guy, Sofia,
is stuffed full of bullshit.
And what he wants more than anything
in the world is to break us up.
You have to believe me.
What I realize now is
that you and Oliver
are the only things
in this entire world that matter to me.
- Am I the only one hearing violins?
- ( cell phone ringing )
- Baby, I can't lose you.
- Tom--
Hello.
Hola, senor.
No momento, por favor.
This is my dream job
in Spain, okay?
They're calling to make
the final travel arrangements.
It's the actual reason
that I came.
I don't really care
much about Wesley.
Hey, uncool.
Less words.
I have one question.
Sofia-- Sese--
do I have them buy me
one plane ticket to Spain...
or dos?
You know what, Chip?
I think you're weird and creepy,
And if you think I'd ever choose you
over the love of my life,
you're the most delusional man
on the face of the earth.
That'd be uno.
Gracias.
Thank you.
Sweetie, you couldn't
lose me if you tried.
And you've been trying
pretty hard lately.
Great. Momento.
I guess this is adis.
Sofia, you should know the night
that we made love, I faked my orgasm.
Tom, you are never
gonna beat me,
and I'm gonna send you a great
little thong shot from Barcelona.
Senor, if it's all
the same with you,
I'd like to travel today.
Of course, senor Chip.
Yes, absolutely.
I will have Barcelona's longest
limousine awaiting your arrival.
Fantstico.
- Everything worked out.
- Sure did.
Moushiwake, Chip.
- For what?
- I just wanted to say it one last time.
Little help?
( rock music playing )
( rock music playing )
Tom: I know you consider yourself
more of a mango man, buddy,
but I switched it up today.
Could you tell?
What flavor is that?
What flavor is that?
It's chutney.
I'm just kidding.
It's banana.
Also, you know what
you'd probably like?
I mixed in a little
of this new formula
which I found in Hoboken.
They say it's good stuff.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey, fatso.
What are the men folk
up to today?
The men--
we men...
are gonna go
to Coney Island with Paco.
'Cause I think
it's important
that he be exposed
to carnies at a young age.
- Hey, babe?
- Yeah?
I got breakfast in the oven.
Be ready in 15 minutes.
- I really can't be late.
- Chocolate croissant.
What's 15 minutes?
I know how we can spend
six of those minutes.
Six minutes-- you really think
you can last that long?
If I think about
Rosie O'Donnell,
I could last seven
and a half.
What do you think
of that?
# Maybe you could telephone #
# Maybe I could meet you
in the morning #
# Call me if you're
on you're own #
# Maybe I could meet you
in the morning... #
( Sofia squeals )
( man vocalizing )
# Mornings eleven,
the feelings are severed #
# I can't feel
anything at all #
- # But I would #
- # Die for you #
- # Oh, I would #
- # Die for you #
# All that I've ever seen,
all that I'll ever be #
# All that I ever was #
- # I would #
- # Die for you #
- # Oh, I would #
- # Die for you. #
So make sure that you understand,
when you're chopping things up
in the way that those people
to the north of Italy...
- ( Oliver crying )
- ... that they don't mind chopping...
That's the kid.
Let's go.
( TV channels change )
( shouting )
People are out of their minds.
Hey, Tom! You gotta
come see this guy.
- What?
- You missed it.
Let's go, man.
# This time of night
I could call you up #
# I'd get angry
with athletic ease #
# Break common laws
in twos and threes #
# If I die clutching
your photograph #
# Don't call me boring #
# It's just
'cause I like you #
# Oh, take me on back,
take me on back #
# Take me back
to the place #
# Where I could feel
your heart #
# Is this the end or just
the start of something #
# Really,
really beautiful #
# Wrapped up
and disguised #
# As something really,
really ugly? #
# Won't you #
# Come by and see me?
I'm a love letter away #
# I'd break your name
before I'd say #
# I really love you,
love you #
# No, I don't care
if you saw #
# I watched every inch
of film #
# Flash across
your roman features #
# And I loved it,
loved it #
# No, I don't care if #
# You think I'm eager
to shut your eyes #
# Well, I'm sorry
everybody knows #
# You can't break me
with your gutter prose #
# Would you believe it?
She sent me a letter #
# The ring, it nearly
weighs her down #
# She's got another boy,
oh, boy #
# Ready your ears,
steady your ears #
# And read my lips #
# Poetry is not a luxury #
# It's how I'll break this home #
# And when I'm really ill #
# Won't you cradle me? #
# Man is not a noble animal #
# But maybe woman is #
# Remember, I heard you #
# Inside your room,
you said you'd never really live #
# ntil your back's
against the wall #
# Oh, did you
really mean it? #
# No, I never break
my gaze #
# if just to see this scar remain
reflected in your eyes #
# I think it's time to go home #
# Marianne, let the ghosts
sleep tonight #
# Marianne,
let the ghosts sleep #
# Just shut your eyes
and burn the past #
# Marianne, let the ghosts
sleep tonight #
# Marianne,
let the ghosts sleep #
# Just shut your eyes
and burn the past #
# Marianne, let the ghosts
sleep tonight #
# Marianne,
let the ghosts sleep #
# Just shut your eyes
and burn the past #
# Marianne, let the ghosts
sleep tonight #
# Marianne,
let the ghosts sleep #
# Just shut your eyes
and burn the past away. #
( woman vocalizing )