Father of the Year (2018) Movie Script

[dog barking]
Dude, we should've just gone
straight to New York.
Come on, man. He's your dad, all right?
You can handle this.
[Larry] Oh.
There's the man himself.
Does he live down there?
I mean, it's technically his basement. So,
like, he spends a little time down there.
[Larry] He's taking out your little
baby mattress. That's sweet.
No way does he think I'm gonna sleep on
that thing. It looks like it has eczema.
[Larry] There's two sides.
You could just flip it over.
[Ben chuckles]
Great, dude. Now he's texting me. [scoffs]
It's gonna be okay,
I'm gonna go in there with you,
all right? Come on.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, Ben. I was just texting you.
-Look at this kid. My college graduate.
-Aw, yeah.
Get in here! I'm so proud of you, man.
-Hey, uh, did you get those Q-tips?
-No, we were already here.
-Sort of a 911 situation with my ears.
Hey, what about the, uh, six-pack?
Any news?
We were already here, Dad. So...
-Ah, you fucked me. I'm kiddin' ya.
-Who is this asshole?
Lawrence, I know you.
Got any Q-tips on you?
Nope, I don't.
Nothing in the car?
I don't carry Q-tips.
We'll figure it out.
Here we are. So, valetutorian?
[stutters] Wait, what is that again?
Valedictorian. It means that Ben
was the smartest kid in our whole school.
Of Western New Hampshire College.
It's like being a turd in a urinal.
Don't always downplay it, okay?
You're smarter
than those Ivy League pricks,
and you came from nothing,
just complete shit.
Hey, now why didn't I get
invited to the graduation?
Oh, no parents were invited, Dad.
Did your mother go?
She fuckin' went!
-What the fuck, Ben?
I didn't invite her, all right? She just
had a layover from her flight to Antigua
with the Cirque du Soleil guy,
and they just showed up.
Mr. O'Malley, I love that you still have
the patio furniture on the inside.
Yeah, Larry, that's a good eye.
It's indoor-outdoor.
I appreciate the flexibility
it affords me.
Speaking of that, uh,
how's the work search going?
Oh, that. That's actually not going well.
It's 'cause of my disability.
Being colorblind is not a disability.
I told a black joke to a black guy.
It's a disability.
It could certainly lead to a disability.
You know, Lawrence, I was thinking,
if everyone was colorblind,
maybe we'd all get along better.
Wow, that was actually...
That makes a lot of sense.
It does? I don't even know what I said.
I think that was an accident.
What did you say?
I... You... It was what you said.
-I got a surprise for you. Follow me.
Oh, this is nice! [laughs]
Get in here, you pussies.
I didn't bring a bathing suit, so...
Problem solved.
What are you doing?
-Dad, leave 'em on.
-Oh, no.
This is a good one.
It's got the netting inside.
Hugs your nuts. It's nice.
What about you?
Yeah, I don't want your beanbag
floating into me, so I'm good.
Dude, your whole body came flying
out of my dick at one point.
Now you're scared of it?
That's hysterical.
It ain't gonna suck you back in. Relax.
Larry, make yourself useful.
Get my little Jacuzzi jets over there.
Let's get the party going.
So, what's the valeclitorian
doing tonight? You're going drinking?
We're going to the Roadhouse.
Fuck the Roadhouse! Go to the Wombat!
Dad, the Wombat's been closed
for ten years.
You think I give a fuck?
You don't know me very well.
Well, this seems really dangerous.
So have fun celebrating, boys.
You worked your asses off. You deserve it.
We'll just meet back here tonight.
Actually, I think we're gonna stay
at PJ's tonight.
Who the fuck is PJ?
The Christian Science kid, Dad.
You used to whip batteries at him,
and tell him Christ did it.
That kid? You'd rather hang out
with a scientist than me?
Yeah, it's just easier, Dad,
we're only staying for a couple weeks.
You're only here a couple weeks?
Yeah, Larry and I are off to New York.
I got that job at ISG.
I told you about this.
You'd be proud. He got picked out of,
like, 2,000 applicants.
Well, that's great. That is great.
New York's so fucking far.
You got a job there?
Uh, no... Not at the moment, no.
The fuck you going for?
I don't know. I've just never been before.
It'd be something new.
Goddamn. Give him some room, dude.
Let him breathe. You're smothering him.
-Oh, shit. Is that the lady?
-Yeah, it's the lady.
-She owns the truck. Hide!
It's her truck.
What's happ--
[groans] Oh, my God!
-Whoa, what's up, guys?
-Hey, welcome home.
Nathan, buddy.
What's with the new look?
He's trying to join a biker gang.
Oh, shit. You can ride a motorcycle?
I'm learning.
Aren't biker gangs super racist though?
Well, so far these guys are really nice.
No signs of that.
What's up with you, PJ?
I accidentally looked down my mom's shirt
the other day.
-It happens.
-It's no big deal.
I'm pretty sure it was by accident,
but I'm not 100% sure.
So, I'm gonna get
psychologically analyzed.
I gotta find out.
-You trying to grow a mustache?
-No, I've grown a mustache.
I'm surprised you guys
can even recognize me.
-Who wants shots?
-Me, too.
[Ben] Six bucks a shot?
That's fuckin' bullshit.
You know what else is bullshit?
How expensive condoms are.
Yeah, I can't afford to have
consistent sex right now.
Oh, yeah, money's the reason.
[PJ] It is, dude. 100%.
[Larry] That looks pretty good.
You know what you can do?
You can get latex gloves,
'cause they are pretty much the same price
and then you can use 'em five times.
Wait, are you even allowed
to use condoms in Christian Science?
Fuck, yeah, we can. Just not for sex.
Come on, guys. Let's go.
[Ben] "Come on. Let's go."
Hey, what... Oh, my... What...
Ben O'Malley?
Meredith Parker!
-Oh, my God.
-Oh, holy shit!
Well... You were my first kiss.
Yeah, yeah, in sixth grade.
You would Myspace me at night
-and then run and hide from me at school.
We were boyfriend and girlfriend
for two months,
and then we kissed
and you just never talked to me again.
Real nice, Ben.
Come on. I was so embarrassed.
Remember you were much taller?
Wait, do you remember how that old lady
thought you were my baby brother?
Yes. Oh, my...
I should have kissed you then.
That would have really freaked her out.
Anyway, you look great.
Yeah, I grew up a little bit, just stopped
cutting my hair like Dora the Explorer...
-Started wearing makeup.
-So did he.
He got you, dude.
Yeah. Good one, guys. I have a bad zit.
You know, I was thinking it looks
a little cakey. Is that Este Lauder?
CoverGirl, actually.
Okay. What shade did you use?
Light nude, I think it was.
Looks good on you. Yeah.
-Hey, do you wanna split a drink?
I should probably get going.
I have my first day of work
tomorrow at Postmates.
It's like the Uber of delivery.
Wow. Well, I don't know if you know this,
but we never actually, like,
officially did the breakup.
Which means that
we're still technically dating.
-Yes, I know.
I've cheated on you a lot.
-Oh, no.
Oh, man, I've been nothing but loyal.
This is just not working.
I think we're done.
Oh, well, it's good to have some closure.
Well, I'll see you in, like,
another eight years?
Okay, yeah,
or you can give me your number.
I'm still gonna call it.
Sweet meeting you.
Yeah. That was a lot of fun.
She just grabbed you
and started kissing you?
Yeah, I guess. I don't know.
Last time a random girl just grabbed me,
she was falling down the stairs.
Dude, if that guy came over here
and tried to fight you,
-what would you do?
-That guy's a Marine, dude.
I wouldn't do anything. I would
take my beating like a true American.
What would you do?
-I'd probably blow him first...
-Mmm, yeah.
...and then take my beating.
Hey, who would you fight?
-I don't know. I wouldn't fight anybody.
Actually, I take that back.
-I'd fight PJ.
And your dad. I'd totally fight your dad.
No way, dude. Wayne would kick your ass.
He still gets into fights to this day.
We just watched your dad
fall out of the back of a truck naked.
It looked like a premature baby bird
shooting out of the birth canal.
Let me put it this way.
My dad looks like a human Muppet
and I'm 100% sure
he could kick your dad's ass.
Come on.
Your dad gets startled by pop-up books.
Well, your dad
looks like a big fifth grader.
When he goes to the mall,
how many people ask if he's lost?
Your dad listens to Susan Boyle.
She's actually very talented.
All right!
Here we are hanging with the boys!
Huh? Oh, God! The boys
are back in town, huh?
Up high! Here it is.
Kind of feels like high school again,
huh, guys, right?
Mardy, please turn on the humidifier.
You bet I can.
All right, Aiden, coming around to it.
We're gonna be breathing easy. Right?
Let's fire this baby up.
Yo, you better be nice
to your stepbrother,
because your dad
is leaving him everything.
Not if I drown him in his eggs.
Okay. Sorry, just gonna
swap out the water here, guys.
I think we got a bit of an issue...
Did you urinate in my humidifier?
I don't think so,
but I might have by mistake.
-Come on, man!
-That's disgusting, dude.
You gotta quit it with the pranks, bud.
Okay? You've got to quit it.
I can't even relax in my own home
'cause I'm always looking for something.
Would you like it
if I urinated in your water pistol, hmm?
And then squirted you in the face with it?
Mardy, he's eight!
He was trying to be funny!
[chuckles nervously] I know. So was I.
That's all, you know.
Aiden, you know your stepdaddy
was just trying to make a funny, too.
Dude, your dad just backed down
to an eight-year-old.
-You really think he'd kick Wayne's ass?
Dad, if you got into a fight
with Ben's dad,
you would totally mop the floor with him.
Why would I wanna fight Ben's dad?
I would never wanna do that.
I think you'd lose.
Yeah, all right, let's, you know...
You need two hands to open a fridge.
Well, that's not... I mean,
it's a very strong suction
on a fridge, bud. Okay?
And so, that's how the door stays sealed
and the food stays cold.
I know what a fridge does.
Aiden, go brush your teeth,
and Mommy will be up in a minute.
I'm sleeping with Mom tonight.
Yeah, you should.
No, she's your mom.
[stutters] I'll take the pullout couch.
Good night, peanut.
Dad, tell them
about how you took out that flasher.
Oh, Larry, that was a long time ago.
What's this story? I want to hear.
All right, fine. Um...
I don't know when that was.
I think that was...
I don't know, maybe, that was when
you were in middle school, Larr, right?
You were in middle school,
and, uh, there was a communal terror
that was roaming the streets.
The Flasher of Fitzpatrick Park.
Now, this guy would hide
on Old River Road, right?
And he would jump out of the bushes
and dingle his very,
very oversized scrotum
at any car that he thought
had a woman in it, okay?
Well, now let's just say,
he flashed the wrong Miata that day.
[Larry chuckles]
So, he thought you were a woman?
'Cause you were driving a Miata.
No. I mean, the body style of Miata
is not the most masculine,
but it's very unisex.
I think everybody can agree on that.
-So, I don't know why he got confused.
-[Krystal] Mmm.
We just told you.
Anyway, I pulled over.
I got out of my car
and I punched him straight in the nose.
Knocked him out for the ten count.
He was never to flash again.
Boom! See? So, you would win, right?
Well, I wasn't exactly saying that.
Come on, Mardy. I won't
get my feelings hurt, say it.
Well, yes, I would take him down. Hard.
Of course I'd kick his ass.
Who is his dad again?
Uh, Mardy. With a "D." Mardy.
-Mardy with a "D"? Okay, I'm scared.
-He lives in that white house on Maple.
It doesn't ring a bell,
but he sounds like a pussy.
Well, both him and Larry think he'd win.
I'm sorry?
No, don't make this a whole thing, please.
It's very interesting.
Who do you think would win in a fight?
Well, um, he's a lot bigger than you.
Uh, he'd be sober, which is a huge plus.
Um, I think it'd be close,
but I think you would win.
Ben, you don't think I can do anything,
do you?
What are you talking about?
I just said I think you would win.
-Well, you said it would be close.
Have you gone mad?
Do you know how many fights I've been in?
I don't know, 1,000?
I've been in six.
Seven, if you count that little dust-up
I had at the used car lot last summer.
Are you talking about the time
you got knocked out
by that inflatable dancing thing?
I didn't know what that fucking thing was,
but I stood my ground and we went at it.
Oh, my God.
Okay, take that away. Six solid fights.
Three and three.
Your record is three and three?
-That's good.
-All right. Good.
-Do you want me to fight him?
I do not want you
to fight my friend's dad.
You brought it up.
This seems important to you.
-It's not.
-It's a non-issue to me.
You think it'd be close.
I'll smack this guy around.
-I don't have to.
It's fine with me either way.
I'm not gonna let it ruin my day.
Okay. Good. Don't. Don't let it ruin it.
I gotta pick up some Postmates.
-These are for you. Enjoy the Q-tips.
-Yeah, have fun.
Mardy with a fucking "D."
How about I knock him out with a "K," huh?
Postmating for a girl. That's a new one.
It's the 21st century, man.
Get used to it.
-[Larry] Ah.
-[upbeat music playing on car radio]
All right, good luck.
Just don't be yourself.
PJ? You do Postmates?
Yeah. I got fired from the bait shop
for stealing worms.
You drove past your own apartment?
I was following the GPS, man.
Hey, uh, I'm so sorry, dude,
but I only ordered Postmates
so I can see Meredith.
Uh, can you please return this?
I can't afford any of this, so...
No, man. I really can't do that.
You already purchased it when you ordered.
You could file a complaint,
but that would reflect poorly on me.
So, like, please don't do it, dude.
Just enjoy that orange chicken, bitch.
-Here's your pack of gum.
-Thank you.
Don't spoil your appetite.
Here you go.
I got it started for you.
Whoa! Meredith? Oh, my gosh!
So this is crazy. What are the odds?
Uh, one in nine.
You've used Postmates nine times today.
I saw it on the app. Hi, Larry.
Meredith. Hi.
-Wait, your name's Larry?
My brother's name's Larry.
-Let's not talk about that.
Hey, so, by the way, the other night,
you gave me a couple of numbers.
I think you left out eight or so.
Not that I'm aware of.
Well, here's an idea.
I'll give you my phone
and then I will call me sometime.
[car engine starts]
I need my phone!
I'm not that badass
-to pull something off like that.
-I know.
Hey, seriously though,
can I please get your number?
Ben, I'm not gonna be your hometown fling.
But good luck in New York.
All right. Cool. Thank you.
I'll see you around.
Hi, this is Meredith.
So, you just gave me your phone,
trying to be all cool, which you're not.
Guaranteed you're going to panic
and come back for it.
Oh, my God, here you are now.
What... Is that a waddle?
Oh, God.
Dude, are your legs different lengths?
It's kind of cute, I gotta admit.
Calm down.
It's a non-issue.
My kid's lost all fucking faith in me!
Nice night.
[Larry] You and your gang
just beat up minorities,
and your gang leader says,
"There's even more down the street!"
That's not what we do.
Three, two, one! Go, go, go!
[all] Oh!
-[Nathan] Ow!
-[cell phone rings]
-You're definitely getting somewhere.
-Well, somewhere.
-Benjamin, this is your father.
I got the local weather report.
There's a storm brewing on Maple Street.
Dad, please, no.
Oh, shit, dude.
My dad's at your dad's house.
Let's ride!
-[Larry] Oh!
-[Ben] Oh, shit.
You guys go ahead. I'll pour water
down his throat until he wakes up.
Great idea. I'll drive.
Oh. You did so good.
If only you could have seen yourself.
Does this look like
an eight-year-old made it?
Well, uh, I mean,
I would say a gifted eight-year-old.
When I was eight, I was fascinated
by the reverse osmosis process.
Well, you were a freak!
How long did this take you?
Um, I mean, a little under two weeks,
you know. Probably 36 man-hours.
I mean, I was just trying to help.
Well, his teacher knew you did it,
and now we're those people.
What, the people that get involved
with their children?
I'm proud to be one of those.
He has to redo the assignment!
You owe him an apology, Mardy.
God... damn it, Aiden!
[doorbell rings]
-[Wayne] Ah.
-[Mardy] Ow.
Well, aren't you dressed
like the substitute teacher.
I'm sorry. Can I help you?
Yeah, I'm father... Wayne.
Uh, from Saint Catherine's?
No, I'm Wayne, the father.
The father?
-Oh, Ben's father! Yes, of course.
Nice to see you. What's doing?
I'm here to settle this debate
our kids are having.
What's that? What's the debate?
About which one of us
would win in a fight.
[chuckles] Right.
I'm sorry. You want to fight me?
Nah, I don't really,
but I feel like it's best if I did.
I don't know if you know,
my kid fucking hates my guts!
I think there's been
some misunderstanding.
I would never fight you.
Eh, what's the big deal?
Don't be a fuckin' puss.
Fight today, friends tomorrow.
Winner buys the loser a brew.
Dad, stop! Whatever you're about to do,
please don't.
All hail the valit... valitorian is here.
Mr. O'Malley, we were messing around.
We don't really care about
you guys fighting.
I think you do.
And we're gonna do this right now.
You got five seconds to swing at me first.
-No, I said I don't-- [screams]
-Five, four, three, two--
-And the gazelle flees.
[Mardy whimpering]
This isn't funny anymore!
What's your problem, guy?
Dad, Dad, please don't do this.
You're drunk.
-You know what? You're right. Come here!
-[Mardy] You're a lunatic!
-[Mardy] You psycho!
-I've never seen my dad move that fast.
Aiden! Shelter in place!
[Wayne] Come on!
-Oh, Christ!
-Krystal, call the police!
You gotta calm down, Mardy.
You're setting a bad example for the kids.
[Mardy gasping]
Oh, shit!
[Mardy panting]
Damn you, chicken shit!
Oh, no.
[Wayne] Oh, I got you.
Okay, okay, okay.
Look, the police have been called.
This is private property.
It reminds me of a story
I used to tell Benny boy.
Green Eggs and Ham.
I will beat you on the street,
I will beat you with my mouse dick.
-[Ben] Dad!
-Fuck! What is it?
-Get down here, this is fucking insane.
-Fuck, he's coming. Here we go!
-Dad, stop!
-He's psycho!
[both yelling]
[Wayne] Where is that motherfucker?
Oh, hey.
Oh, fuck, are we in jail?
Dad, you tried to beat up
Larry's dad last night.
Which one's Larry's dad?
Are you fucking serious?
I blacked out. I'm sorry.
I have a low tolerance.
You know, with your one phone call
last night, you called me?
Oh, that actually makes sense,
'cause you're my emergency contact.
Eh, come on, this ain't so bad.
Look, we get to hang a little bit
without your friend Larry around.
What's his angle anyway?
Ben O'Malley, Wayne O'Malley, follow me.
I bet my buddy Deon posted bail.
He's always coming through in a clutch.
No. I got it. I got us a bail bond.
And now I'm in debt, Dad. Thank you.
Yeah, I wouldn't worry about that.
After a while, they stop keeping track.
What do you say we go hit the Wombat?
The Wombat's fucking closed, Dad!
Get in. Shit.
-What was it like?
In the clink.
Did you drop my gang's name?
I'm not doing this, okay?
You wanna talk, you can get in the car.
I can't. I gotta practice!
-[tires screech]
-[cell phone ringing]
This is Ben.
Dude, who answers the phone like that?
Hi, Ben. It's Ryan Jenkins
from ISG Energy Solutions.
Hi! Hi. How are you?
We got a Google alert this morning
about your arrest.
We have to terminate
your employment offer.
We have a strict conduct policy.
I hope you understand.
I didn't do anything. It was my dad.
-Yeah, good luck.
What happened?
They fucking fired me.
Oh, shit.
Those fucking bastards.
Hey, they're looking for somebody
at the bait shop
if you know how to sell worms.
I'm so screwed.
-I'm fucking screwed.
-No, look.
You're all good.
We are going to fix this.
Let's just go. I'll come back
in a few hours. He'll still be there.
Later, Nathan.
You know, it was very expensive.
I can only imagine. I am so sorry.
But I was getting rid of it anyway.
Oh, that's perfect.
Do you think you'd be willing
to drop the charges,
since Ben kind of did the demo for you?
I've been wanting a pool for my grandkids.
You get me a pool, I'll drop the charges.
That's a great idea.
I'm sorry.
I don't have that kind of money.
No, I want you to build it!
How about a birdbath?
Ben could build you a birdbath.
Why? I don't have any fucking birds.
I'm sorry, but I really don't think
I'll be able to build a swimming pool.
I don't know where to start.
Honestly, I don't think anybody
really knows how to build a swimming pool.
If anyone could figure it out,
it's Ben though.
-You just shut up?
It's okay, don't worry about it.
Enjoy your summer.
So you'll drop the charges?
No, I don't think so.
Okay. A pool it is.
That's what we'll do.
Ah, my grandchildren will be thrilled!
Eh, you just dig a fuckin' hole
and fill it with water.
Right? Easy enough.
It's gonna be good, dude.
I'm stoked about it.
Can it wait a few minutes?
What is this weird voice
you're doing, Dad?
You sound like a guidance counselor.
Why are you gulping?
All right, all right.
I will see you in an hour. Bye.
I'd help with the pool, but I don't think
our visions are the same, man.
We'd probably butt heads.
Don't sweat it, man.
Fuck! It's Meredith.
What is she doing here?
This is her dad's store.
How did you not know that?
Oh, shit, man. I can't tell her
I got arrested and fucking fired.
Now I'm building a pool.
So don't tell her.
But she'll see me
holding the shovel, Larry.
That connects to you getting arrested?
Connects to me
building the pool, assholes.
There's no way.
Just say you have a shovel.
Shut up, Dynamite.
Oh, fuck, dude.
I'm not a good liar.
You guys cover for me. Take it.
-Take it!
-Are you serious?
Oh, come...
-Hey, guys.
-[PJ] What? Meredith?
-Hey. So you just shoveling some shit?
Oh, no. Just getting a head start
on digging my dad's grave.
Hey, uh, how's your boyfriend Ben doing?
Doing great. Killing it.
Yeah, he's in New York.
Started his new job early.
Saving the planet, making good money.
That's great.
He just bought a Bugatti and a watch.
It's an expensive Bugatti
and an even more expensive watch.
He's got tons of women chasing him.
Tons. He's engaged.
Oh, really?
And she's Elijah Wood's cousin.
Yeah. So she's paying his rent.
What the fuck are you guys--
-Holy shit.
Uh, what's up?
Uh, just this. Um...
How come you're not in New York?
I body slammed my dad
off a roof into a greenhouse.
And then they arrested us.
And then I lost my job.
Did you have to go to jail?
For a night.
That's kind of hot.
Yeah, isn't it?
I started selling cigarettes.
I had to stab a guy.
Okay, don't make up shit.
-It was hot before.
Hot enough to give me your number?
No. But hot enough to give you two more.
A five and a one.
He'll figure that out, man.
The valedi-torian knows every combination.
And, uh, just in case I can't,
I'll leave my number in the comment box.
So, look for the ones
with all the smiley faces on it.
You don't wanna leave your number here.
You fucked this place up, dude.
That's a good point.
-Let's go. [grunts]
[Mardy] Yeah, we're up here.
In Aiden's room.
-Well, your... The boys' room.
You know, the first door on the right.
He's wearing my jersey.
What happened to my pictures?
Aiden doesn't like you staring at him
while he's trying to sleep.
You gotta be shitting me.
What does "shit" mean, Mommy?
Oh, fuck that, man!
He knows what "shit" means.
He's probably got
30 different words for "twat."
That one I don't know.
That attitude is exactly why you're here.
We're having an intervention
because we love you,
but we're also very concerned.
Please, have a seat.
[scoffs] Oh, this is ridiculous.
No, it's not.
Larry, we can all see
you're off right now.
I've been off myself, too.
After Aiden's dad got out of jail...
He's out of jail?
I lashed out. I made some questionable
investments with your father's money.
It affected the whole family.
Your father got back on caffeine.
You know what happens
when I have too much energy.
It was hard for us.
But I still remained loving.
Your actions seem to be coming
from a dark place.
This isn't my fault.
Larry, you provoked a mad man
into trying to fight me.
No, I didn't.
You need to start taking responsibility
for your actions, okay?
And it's time you start thinking
about your future.
I will, when I get to New York.
No, Ben is going to New York
for his career.
No one knows why you're going.
I mean, the whole neighborhood's confused.
You don't even have a job.
Exactly. You're just gonna be drifting
and floating and hanging out
with those Brooklyn crackhead hipsters.
Who also don't have jobs, only beards.
You need to get a life of your own.
I don't know what I want in my life.
I'm 22, Dad. I'm lost. Can you can give me
the weekend to figure it out?
Maybe you could do gay porn.
Aiden! Or maybe he could work
at the lab with you.
Well, now, I hadn't thought of that.
What a fantastic idea, Krystal.
Am I supposed to pretend
you guys didn't rehearse this?
So, it's settled.
You'll work with me in the lab tomorrow.
Then you'll stay at home
until you figure out
what to do with your life.
I taste piss. Aiden, do I taste piss?
I honestly don't remember.
Okay, it seems like you'd remember
if you whipped your penis out
and pissed in my cup.
Mmm, can't help you.
You may have noticed the transit
in some of our shots...
...laying out the pool.
-But the coating would finish...
-Jesus! What are you talking about?
...top of the gunite, which is the...
What the fuck is "gunite"?
...relative to the foundation
of the house.
So what we have is...
We have what's called the weep screed,
or a mud sill.
Ben! Did you wash your hands
after you used the restroom?
Always do.
This once was a mermaid.
Now it looks like Jay Leno.
I'm sorry.
I didn't see any other soap in there.
I thought I was supposed to use that one.
Should he ask next time?
Yes, he should, Paisley.
Stop taking so many dumps.
Where's the pool?
Your church friend with the scumstache
said you built a pool.
This is it.
This is it? This grass?
This is far from being a fucking pool.
Are you drinking?
Instant breakfast.
Listen, I feel terrible
about what happened with that gig,
you losing it. You need any help?
If I needed to fill balloons
with bad breath, you could help.
But I don't, so I'm good.
Remember how deep I dug that grave
for your guinea pig?
Made sure my snake
didn't have a second go at him.
Well, that shit's like
Flintstone boulders down there.
You need better equipment.
Yeah? You gonna give me the $800 I need?
I might... win up to 50 grand.
Oh, here we go. Cross your fingers.
Oh, fuck! One away from a Diet Dr. Pepper.
That's how they get you.
You know what, Dad?
You can't fucking help me. All right?
So you go do your thing. I'll be fine.
I can't believe
making nipples soft is a job.
Ah. Yeah, well, the embarrassment
from inappropriate nipple reaction
is a real problem.
It can happen at inconvenient times.
Like, when you meet someone and you think
they're gonna look different,
but they're actually quite well-built.
You know, Mardy and Krystal
are always talking about you.
They think you are very bright, Aiden.
I'm Larry.
They are so proud of you, too.
They are.
See how they have all your old pictures
up on the wall?
That's not me.
Glad he's so happy, though.
Never seen him smile so hard.
Thought he was a blind singer.
[both chuckle]
You know, to me,
legalization was a negative, man.
Half the fun of weed is knowing
I shouldn't be doing it. Am I right, bud?
Yeah, that's true.
Ah, sorry. I'm fucking nervous.
What are they gonna do to us in there?
I don't know. It can't be dangerous
'cause if it was, they'd be paying us
more than $40.
Hey, 40's nothing to sneeze at.
I can't remember the last time
I had 40 cash on me.
I'm trying to help out my kid.
He's in a bit of a jam.
Kids. Nine months of living in the mama,
the rest of their lives,
living off their papa.
Oh, shit, I've never heard that one!
Oh, I got a knee slapper for you.
These two black guys...
Wait a second. There's no black guys
in here, are there?
Gentlemen, follow me please.
I'll tell you the rest of that one later.
Time to go make some bread.
Oh, shit. Mr. O'Malley,
what are you doing here?
Oh, hello, Lawrence.
I'm here to get Ben out of the jam
that you instigated.
Ah, gentlemen, thank you so much
for coming. My name is Mardy Fischer.
Oh, my God.
You okay?
What's going on?
You don't remember him?
This guy?
What are you? Famous?
I... I don't... You don't?
No, I don't. I'm sorry.
Are you some big scientist
on the SyFy Channel or something?
So you don't recognize me at all?
No, I don't recognize you,
or I would have told you.
Is there a fucking problem, dickface?
No. No problem at all.
No problem at all.
I will, uh, be with you all
in just one moment.
Yeah. Goddamn.
What the hell is going on?
He blacked out. He was drunk that night.
He's not drunk now, so everything's good.
Fuck you.
He's a lot bigger than I remember.
Relax! Let's just get him
in and out of here.
[sighs] Disgusting.
-Did you shit yourself again?
-A little bit.
Okay. Next person.
Now apply some more cream.
No, Larry. A liberal amount.
Yeah, really cover the nipple, okay?
The entire areola.
Dad, why can't they do this themselves?
What would be the fun in that?
Olivia, what are you doing in line?
Oh, uh, is there not enough cream?
Uh... sorry.
Let's go, lover boy.
Go slow, I got butterflies.
Oh. Boing!
Okay, now the wind test.
No, no.
I need you to use your mouth.
You heard him.
Get down there.
Don't fall for me.
I'll break your heart.
Fuck you.
Okay, something's happening. All right.
It's burning. Is that normal?
Uh, are you allergic to anything?
No. Just herpes, I think.
What the...
This is starting to feel like
knives in there.
Like, it's poking. Like, it's burning.
What did you fucking do to me? Ow.
They're fucking burning like shit!
No one's helping!
What the fuck happened?
Get a fire extinguisher,
you doofy piece of shit!
I'll fucking kill you! God damn it!
Somebody do something!
Get this shit off! Fuck!
It burns! Oh, fuck! Help me, someone!
I'm on fire!
[Wayne] That's Larry's dad?
[Ben] Yes!
[Wayne] I'm going to fight him.
He gave me fucking tits, dude!
They're not permanent, Dad.
A tit's a tit, Ben. And I got two of them.
On me. Part of me. Do you get it?
For guys to fuck and squeeze and whack on.
Don't let guys do that to you.
Here, just take some allergy medicine.
Give me this shit.
Just slow down. No.
They're still there! Shit.
Now I'm thinking about keeping 'em.
I don't know what to do, Ben.
Don't stare at me like that.
I'm still your father.
Hey, what were you doing
at that lab anyway?
You know what I'm doing there?
I'm trying to make some money
to buy you a jackhammer. There.
There's your check. Here you go.
[exhales sharply]
Wow, uh...
Well, okay. Thank you, thank you...
Thanks a lot.
Yeah, sure.
Can you give the old man a hug?
Would that kill you?
Yeah, sure.
Here ya go, buddy. Come here. Come here.
What? Why are you so rigid when I hug you?
Your boobs are pressed up against me, Dad.
It's really weird.
-You got a boner? I'm your father.
-No. Dad!
Okay. I gotta go. Just stay there
and don't fight Larry's dad.
You're a fucking bore.
[gasps] Oh, my God!
[cell phone chimes]
[cell phone chimes]
Why... did you fucking do this to me?
God damn it.
Come on!
Oh, my God! Jesus Christ!
I think you're supposed to pour
the concrete in
before you fill it with water.
This is impossible.
There's fucking rocks and roots
and dead mailmen everywhere.
Well, you need one of these.
Thank you. But no, I...
I don't have the kind of money for that.
Just buy me a drink. We'll call it even.
I don't really have the kind of money
for that either.
Oh, Benjamin. [sighs]
You've got to get your life together.
So, you're here for good, huh?
Uh, at least until I finish
my accounting degree.
I'm gonna help my dad franchise the store.
-Oh, wow. That's really cool.
Yeah, I'd like to help him retire
at some point. But I like it here.
Yeah, it's funny.
I've lived here my whole life
and I never came to this pond.
You gotta be a tourist
in your own town sometimes.
Yeah, right?
I was so focused on getting good grades,
so that I could get out,
that I never did anything fun.
I didn't go to prom.
You didn't go to prom? What a loser!
No, I went, but I got too drunk.
[giggles] I threw up in the bushes
and they wouldn't let me in.
Oh, I totally remember that.
I've done everything else
you're supposed to do in high school.
I jumped off Fitzy's Ledge.
I went skinny-dipping at Livingston.
Oh, I was way too shy
to go skinny-dipping.
You've never gone skinny-dipping?
I'm very insecure.
I can't believe you.
That's the classic high school trope.
-Yeah, well...
-We're going right now.
No, come on. No.
Get ready, buddy.
Okay. Those are way nicer than my dad's.
[exhales heavily]
Go slow.
Oh, hey, Ben. I think there's an acorn
caught in your pubes.
Oh, shut up.
Well, I said skinny-dipping,
not mini-dipping.
Okay, I'm gonna cover up.
You probably don't need the
whole box. You could just use the nozzle.
It is so unfair that you
can make fun of my body
and I can't make fun of yours.
I'm just joking.
You have a very nice-looking penis.
It's very, um, approachable.
Yeah, really, like a friendly little guy.
Little guy? Okay. All right.
[sighs] Pretty nice in here, huh?
Yeah. Yeah, this feels awesome.
Hey, you wanna re-enact our first kiss?
You know, see if I got any better?
You're not supposed to ask a girl
if you can kiss her. You just do it.
I knew that. I knew that.
Oh! [coughing]
That was even more awkward
than sixth grade.
You don't like awkward? I love awkward.
It's sexy.
Um, uh, something just touched my leg.
Something just touched my leg.
Aw, is a little fishy bothering you?
[screaming] Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
What? Are you just gonna leave me?
Uh, no. I'm just...
Over here, over here.
-I'm getting him to come to me.
-Oh, my... Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh, God! Something is sucking on my leg.
-Sucking on your leg?
[screaming] God! Oh, my God!
I don't wanna die!
[cell phone chimes]
3:01 a.m.
Hey, dude.
Just telling you the titties are gone.
So all is forgiven.
Fun while it lasted.
I took some pics.
Mardy, come on,
we have to get to Aiden's pottery class.
Okay, yeah, I'm just checking my messages.
I'll be right there, okay?
3:04 a.m.
Quick update.
Titties are gone and I'm gonna kill you.
Let's go, Mardy.
I don't want him to be the late kid.
I know. I'm coming.
Does he have to come?
3:07 a.m.
Hey, Deon, it's Friday night.
I wanna fuck with this guy real bad.
Do you have access to any diseases?
Maybe something airborne?
Also, I sent you some tit pics.
I know you're a boob guy.
Uh, you know what, guys? Go ahead.
[stutters] I've developed some cramps
and a headache.
So, I'll meet you there.
You let a tadpole get in
the way of you making out with Meredith?
No, dude. It wasn't a fucking tadpole.
It was like a water moccasin or like a...
I don't know, a shark or something.
But there's no sharks in that pond.
I guarantee you
it was a beer can or a shoe.
Hey, Ben. Who's your little helper?
It's me, Larry, Ms. Franklin.
Yeah, from next door.
I was here the other day.
Oh, Larry-Larry!
Oh, my! I didn't recognize you
with your shirt off.
Oh, yeah. It's me.
So you're grown up. Oh, boy!
I remember when you used to be young.
That's so funny! [laughs]
In the summer, you used to play
in the plastic kiddie pool
in just your underpants.
Yes, no trunks necessary.
Indeed. And now look at you.
Life's marching on.
Except you are looking younger
and that's just not making any sense.
Oh, that's funny.
My late husband was funny, too.
So you're here for summer,
then it's back to school?
Ooh, no, no. School's done.
I'm officially an adult now.
Yeah, I see that! An adult.18, right?
Uh, 22 actually.
22, is it? 22.
Oh, all summer long with the shirt off.
I can tell him to put his shirt back on,
so you can recognize him, Ms. Franklin.
Get back to work, Ben.
And put your shirt on!
I don't need you calling in sick
with a sunburn.
What is he doing?
He's been acting so weird lately.
I'm gonna follow him.
He's been a dick to you lately.
Just let him deal with his own shit.
He's still my dad.
[cell phone chimes]
Welcome to the 18th Annual
Deerfield Wife Carrying Competition.
Now remember,
the husband must carry the wife
throughout the entire duration
of the course.
-Should a fall occur...
-Wayne O'Malley?
Oh, hey, Geoff.
That's the guy who got fired
from the go-kart track
for telling a Chinese joke
to a Chinese guy.
Well, you see, I have this disability...
You don't gotta remind us, Wayne.
We can all tell you're disabled.
[people laughing]
Hey, where's your wife?
She passed away.
The funeral was this morning.
And you're here?
It was her dying wish.
Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't think two guys
should be allowed to race. It's unfair.
We're an open-minded organization
here, Geoff.
We don't need to end up
on the news later for discrimination.
So shut the fuck up!
Yeah, whatev. It ain't gonna matter.
You know what? Stick around after,
maybe I'll let you take a picture
of my trophy and my taint. [scoffs]
Fuck that guy. What a dick.
Let's kick his ass.
Okay, everyone.
It's time to mount your spouse!
Bend over.
Why do you get to be the wife?
Ben, I had tits a week ago.
Yeah, okay.
There we go, bud.
-[gun fires]
-Damn it, Dad!
-That gun startled me. Just go! Go!
Come on, baby. We got this.
[yelps] Fuck! Tight squeeze.
-Let me get on your back!
Oh, now we're cooking with gas!
[man] Come on! Will you pretend to try?
[spectators laughing and cheering]
Oh, man.
[woman grunts]
Ow! You cheater!
I ain't letting some
trailer trash scumbag beat me.
You live in a trailer, too!
Yeah, but mine's a double-wide!
You know what?
Screw this, I'm taking over.
Fuck you, Geoff! Your wife's only a nine!
Your wife's fucking dead!
[all cheering]
[Ben] We won!
You know, when I woke up this morning,
in my bathtub,
it felt like every other day.
I didn't know at the end of it
I'd be covered in glory.
[laughs] Yeah!
I gotta thank my wife for dying.
And giving the opportunity for me
to run this race with my boy, Benny.
And, Geoff, for the record,
that guy was Korean, not Chinese.
You're a fuckin' racist.
[man on TV] Okay, let's do some
jab-cross, jab-cross, go!
That's it! Little more power! Come on!
Good, good, good, go!
Good. Oh, oh! Gotta keep your hands up.
Good. Good. Go.
-[Mardy grunts]
-[instructor] Do it again.
Come on! All right.
Good, go!
-Do a roundhouse kick. No, no...
-[knock at door]
Dad, it's Larry.
Bring your knee up and--
Get in, quick.
-How did you find me?
-Olivia told me.
What? I can't believe
she would betray me like that.
What's going on?
Wayne has left me dozens
of threatening voice messages.
And I don't want to put Krystal
and poor, sweet, gorgeous little Aiden
in danger.
Okay, so just go kick his ass, Dad.
Like you did to that flasher.
I can't... I...
It's not the same.
I've never told anyone this, Larry.
When I got out of the car
to stop the flasher,
he shoved me to the ground,
and then wrapped his big thighs
around my neck,
and he proceeded to squeeze
until I lost consciousness.
And when I came to, there was a scrotum...
sort of draped across my nose.
Almost sliding down into my mouth.
But that was just the beginning.
[woman screams]
Oh, there it is.
He made me drive him around so that
he could flash people from my sunroof.
-[woman screams]
I became his accomplice,
his accessory to flashing.
I drove what felt like forever.
I mean, I used a tank and a half of gas.
[lady] What the fuck?
In hindsight, I guess I could have
probably driven away at that point.
Yeah, okay. Can't wait.
It was like he was trying to set
a flashing record,
beat his own high score.
Breathe. Just breathe, Mardy.
Probably would have gone on forever,
had it not been for Paul Bunyan.
Oh. Jesus!
That's how he got knocked out.
I've never fought anyone, Larry.
That's a fucked-up story.
Okay, don't swear around Aiden.
Aiden's not here, Dad.
You could have told me the truth.
I'm sorry. I was embarrassed, you know.
What would you expect?
I'm not a Navy SEAL. I run a lab.
Speaking of that,
I don't wanna do the science thing, Dad.
I know, I can tell.
I just want you to find
what makes you happy.
I want you to know
that I will support you
in whatever you decide to do.
Thanks, Dad.
Yeah, yeah.
You all right?
I forgot my Lorazepam at home.
So just go back and get it.
I can't. I told Krystal and Aiden
I was at an emergency conference.
And my doctor's out of town.
I've left three messages. I just...
All right.
Well, let's go see my friend Trey.
He's kind of a part-time pharmacist. So...
-Oh, that would be fantastic.
-[Ben chuckles]
-[Wayne grunts]
Sweeter than the Stanley Cup.
[chuckles softly]
Hey, thanks for inviting me.
This is really fun.
It's my absolute pleasure, Benzo.
Now, talk to me.
Tell me everything about your life.
I don't wanna hear about
fucking New York City again, all right?
Got any tuna on the hook?
-Yeah, yeah, I do right now.
-Okay. Here we go. Go on.
-I really like her.
I'm pulling a big move tonight.
She didn't get to go to her prom,
so I'm gonna sneak us both into Webster's.
-Oh, that's pretty suave, Benzo.
-I thought so, too.
-You know, there's gonna be dancing?
Dancing gets awkward, it always does.
Try this.
You take your middle fingers
when you're slow dancin',
and you run 'em down
the back of her dress,
and you leave 'em on her back dimples.
Don't smash 'em around, don't squeeze 'em,
just leave 'em there.
She'll be yours.
That's the most ridiculous thing
I've ever heard.
Both chicks I've been with,
it's 'cause of that move.
You've only been with two women?
I've only tried twice.
I'm two for two. I'm battin' 100.
Don't you ever wanna have sex?
Fuck you, dude. Two is pretty high.
[Mardy] Uh...
-Should we try?
-Dad, Dad, don't...
-[Larry sighs]
-Fun apartment.
Larry Fischer.
If I champion,
you is the number one contender!
It's good to have you back
in the 603, my brother.
It is good to be back.
How you been?
Shh. Man, I'm good, you know, real good.
Just rappin', dealin',
doing three shifts a week
down at Bunny's Mini Mart.
Straight up entrepreneurin' that shit.
So, Larry tells me you stressin'.
-It's okay.
-Yeah, just tell him.
Okay. Yeah. I'm stressing hard.
A lot. I normally take Lorazepam.
I have a prescription,
so it's completely legal.
Calm down, New Balance. I got you.
[sighs] You're a lifesaver.
I really appreciate this.
I'll finally get a good night's sleep,
so I thank you.
No, man, you ain't gonna be sleeping.
This shit, you might not even blink.
What did I take? What's going on?
There's that M to the D to the M to the A
What? Methylenedioxymethamphetamine?
I don't know. That shit's Molly.
You son of a bitch.
-What the fuck!
-[Mardy] Fuck!
I told you to give him something
to get rid of his anxiety!
That's what I gave him!
That shit will straight-up turn
your dark clouds
into clear skies with rainbows.
I feel like it's kicking in.
I feel like I'm effed-up!
-No way it's kicking in that fast.
-Just stop worrying.
I'm not gonna make you do it alone.
Give me one.
It's free, 'cause you're my boy.
What are you doing? Don't do drugs.
[Trey] Whoa!
Your pops is creatin' some
unwanted attention around the biz.
Why don't we chill inside
for a second, okay?
I'mma play you guys a track.
It's gonna put your entire lives
in perspective.
Seriously though,
we gotta keep it down, okay?
My mom and pops is being audited,
so the whole house is, like,
super tense now.
Let's go. Down. Why you struggling, man?
Get down there.
[Mardy] I don't wanna go down, Larry.
[Trey] Legs are lockin' up.
Here we are.
I was gonna cover your eyes
to surprise you,
but you were driving.
Are you taking me to prom?
Yeah, I was gonna take
Elijah Wood's cousin,
but she bailed on me,
so you were my next call.
[chuckles] Okay. This is awesome.
Now, we just gotta pick up our tickets.
One minute.
Okay. And...
they're breathing.
-That's good.
Remember, no means no, okay?
Ben O'Malley?
You're still dating high school girls?
No. Well, yes, I am.
She's about to graduate.
No, I know you.
I kicked you out of prom four years ago.
You just kept yelling, "Seniors rule"
while you were laid out in that bush
soiling yourself, stinking up the place.
I think the most embarrassing part
is I was yelling, "Seniors rule."
So, let me get this straight.
You wanna take this young lady
into our prom
to make up for the one she ruined
four years ago?
Aw. That's actually kind of cute.
I thought so, too.
You know what won't be cute?
When I get hauled in front of a grand jury
for letting two disturbed 20-somethings
into an event
with 300 vulnerable children.
I coach golf, soccer, tennis,
skiing, badminton, debate.
I took the entire school
to build a barn last summer!
I didn't even use a ruler.
I did that!
This school can't lose me, all right?
So I'm gonna need the two of you
to get the fuck out of here!
-Okay, let's go. Let's go.
-Little millennial shit!
You guys goin' in there?
Can you bring me some snacks?
I'd love a slider.
[music playing faintly from prom]
This sucks. I'm sorry.
Don't worry,
I've set my expectations low for you.
You're actually exceeding them.
-Ooh. [chuckles softly]
Oh. [giggles]
[rapping] I'm sick of these same walls
And the same ceiling
I know you know the feelin'
Takes one to know one
But we's liable to beast the East
And then we head to the West
And he's the best
[exhales deeply]
-Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I mean, so good. It's so good.
Your lyrics and your timing...
That is what I've been saying!
That was astounding, Trey.
I've never known a boy like you before.
Dude, I'm a soldier.
[imitates machine gun]
Oh. What?
Trey, your laundry...
It looks so freaking cute
and cozy and comfortable.
Do you mind if I dive in?
Damn right I do.
Oh. Oh.
Oh, my gosh.
The textures. Oh, the aromas.
You need to get the fuck out
of my dirty clothes, right now.
Yeah, Dad, I'm coming in.
Trey, take off your clothes.
We need more laundry.
You need to shut up.
You're gonna wake up my parents.
What? No! No!
You need to take off your clothes
because we need more laundry!
-That's it. Get out.
-[Mardy] No!
-Get the fuck out!
-No, I don't...
Ooh-ooh. Okay, we'll get out. But first,
your beard,
you need to scratch our backs with it.
Yo, your father is fucked up!
Get your beard on my back now.
-Shut up, be quiet.
-Please, Trey.
-I'm gonna kill you.
I can't be quiet. I can't!
Please, put your beard on my back!
I'm itchy!
-All right!
-Help me be quiet!
-Just roll up and lift your damn shirts.
[Mardy grunting]
Ugh. You guys got issues.
[Mr. Patterson]
Trey! I told you no friends over!
Do you ever listen?
Hi, Mrs. Patterson.
Who are you?
Yeah, you.
Oh. Ha-ha-ha. [laughs nervously]
I am a friend of your son's, yeah.
We go way, way back.
I'm also Larry's father.
Yeah, some people, they call me Mardy.
Those that don't, do not know my name.
Oh, yeah. Of course. How are you?
Really good. I'm taking the summer off
-to backpack through Europe.
-[Larry] What?
I am so glad that you're hanging out
with Larry again.
He is such a good influence.
[Trey] Yeah, no doubt. Uh, they were just
about to be on their way. So...
[Mrs. Patterson] Oh, okay.
Well, it was great to see you, Larry.
[in normal voice]
Come here.
-Oh my goodness. It's been a long time.
-[Mrs. Patterson] Okay.
-[both chomping]
[Mr. Patterson] What are you doing?
-Get out of here!
-Get off my mom's hair!
Get the clothes, Larry!
[Mr. Patterson] Hey, put those down!
-Bring those clothes back now!
-You get back!
[Larry laughing] Yes!
[dog barks in the distance]
[Wayne] Hey, there he is.
It worked!
That dimple thing?
That was the greatest advice.
[laughs] I knew it would.
Oh, God. Thank you so much!
It was perfect, it was perf...
She is incredible.
I was actually kind of smooth.
[laughs] I knew you would be.
See, you don't have to go
to New York to have fun.
Hmm. Yeah, I know.
[Wayne chuckles]
It's not just, like, New York, though.
It was the job. The great company.
You know, to be honest, Benny,
I don't really get
what that company is.
But I did read an article about it.
But I only read it once, so I didn't get
a chance to retain any of the information.
Well, they're basically...
They're saving the environment.
They have applications
that have already cut oil usage by 10%.
Fuck, yeah.
Their founder, Peter Francis,
he's a genius.
Yeah. If he's anything
like Peter Frampton, he's cool.
-Yeah, kinda.
-That guy's a fucking genius.
But I'm proud of you, bud.
Never thought an O'Malley
would do something like this.
Thanks a lot, Dad.
-Let's burn some marshmallows.
You know how to work the stick?
I think I can figure it out.
All right.
[indistinct rap music playing
on TV]
Well, that was something.
Yeah. Yeah.
I feel tired, but energized. You know?
I wanna tell everyone.
But I don't wanna tell anyone.
Hey, is this a new Harry Potter movie?
I don't think I've seen this one yet.
No, that's Trippy Jones, Dad.
He's a rapper.
Oh, really? I think Trey
is way better than this guy.
No, come on. Let's get you home.
Oh, you know what?
I already paid for the hotel room,
so I might as well just, you know,
stay for an extra day or two.
You don't have to worry about Wayne, Dad.
Oh. [scoffs]
It's not that.
No, I just, um...
I pre-ordered Marley and Me
and I haven't watched it yet.
Okay. Well, I guess
I'll just see you later then.
Yeah, yeah. Uh, hit me up!
-[Ben grunts]
You know what? A few more weeks,
maybe a month,
hopefully my charges will be dropped.
I'll be in New York.
It's gonna be good, man.
It's gonna be worth it.
Listen, this morning,
I enlisted in the Marines.
Uh, what? Are you serious?
I gotta do something big, man. You know?
Like, something different.
I can't stay in my comfort zone
or I'm gonna end up just like my dad.
The Marines, though, man?
I mean, fuck, dude.
I'll be okay.
They start shooting at you, run.
I don't think that's the job.
I'm serious.
You've been a pussy your whole life.
It's worked out
-so stick to that. Yeah.
-Wow. Oh, okay.
Why don't we stick to working?
No, man. I got this.
If you're man enough to fight
for our country, I can do this.
Just go spend time with the fam.
-Oh, thank you.
I'll go hang out with Aiden for,
like, five minutes.
I'll be back to help finish it.
All right.
[groans] Oh, God damn it!
You okay?
I'm fine. Go do your thing.
[sighs] Fuck.
Ben, someone left the toilet seat up.
Was that a cover-up
for one of your dumps?
You know how I know you're lying?
You left the fan on!
[exhales sharply]
Oh, hi, Larry. Your worthless friend Ben
left already.
I needed to talk to you
about something.
Ooh, I'm all ears.
But speak into this one,
it works a little better.
Uh... [clears throat]
So, Ben is struggling with the pool.
He really, really needs a break.
He's a great guy.
So, I was hoping maybe you'd be willing
to drop the charges a little bit sooner?
Drop the charges? Why would I do that?
Have you seen my backyard? It's--
What if we...
Well, we can do this, Larry.
I hope you don't think this is just
gonna be some five-minute quick fix.
You're gonna have to work hard
for this one.
It's gonna take a lot of overtime
to bring this job to completion.
And I think you should know,
I'm allergic to latex.
Of course you are. Lambskin, too?
Saran wrap?
Oh, Larry...
[Ben] That's amazing. Did she say why?
No. She just said
she was dropping the charges.
-What? Out of the blue?
The pool's not even done yet.
Well, she's apparently very happy
with the progress.
Did you fuck her for me?
Did I fuck her? I didn't--
-Yes, you did!
Where were you last night?
You weren't home.
You know, I've been hanging with my dad.
He's been at the Kozy-eight,
which is your fault.
-Oh! You rang that dirty old bell?
Did you?
-I didn't do anything.
-[Wayne] Cool.
Don't fuck around.
This is too important.`
Nothing happened, man.
-Did you?
-No. I didn't.
-Are you meaning to say yes by saying no?
-No, I--
Is she gonna wait while you're deployed?
-Nothing happened!
-To Ruth and Larry!
To Ruth and Larry!
Yeah, Ben O'Malley.
I just wanted to call you to tell you
that the charges against me were dropped
and I've been completely cleared.
[man on phone] Well, that's fantastic.
Unfortunately, we already filled
our open positions.
But if you'd like to resubmit
your application,
-we can keep you in consideration...
-Hey, Ben!
Larry needs you to call
that drug dealer Trey
and get a morning-after pill for him.
Hey, Mardy? Is this your room?
They told me you were in here.
[knocks at door]
I just need a minute of your time.
Mardy, six people were murdered here.
In this room alone.
-[Wayne yells]
Holy shit.
I've never felt anything so strong.
That punch was fuckin' electric.
You're not human.
Yeah, it was my Taser gun.
And I will use it again if I have to.
I'm not here to fight.
I'm here to apologize.
I need your help with my son.
You work in Scientology, right?
No, I work in science.
If that's what you mean.
Yeah. Do you happen to know anyone
that works for this company named...
Fuck, I don't know, IGQ or something.
They sell energy bars maybe?
Are you talking about ISG Energy?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't know. Maybe I do. Why?
I need you to set up a meeting with me
and Ben with some head honcho there.
We fucked up his life bad.
We gotta make it right.
"We"? You messed up his life.
If you weren't a chicken
we wouldn't be here.
-You're the one that--
-Yeah, okay. All right! I'm sorry.
Some people say I'm unstable and I snap.
Uh, that was a snap.
Listen, I need your help,
and please, if you do this for me...
God, I can't believe I'm saying this.
I'll let you kick my ass
in front of Larry.
I'll do it.
This is gonna be my last normal haircut
for a while.
They're gonna shave my whole head
once I get to boot camp.
Good job, Larry. We're all proud of ya.
Thank you.
So, where are they shipping you off to?
Going to Parris Island in South Carolina.
Yeah, I leave, uh...
I think it's next Tuesday I'm leaving.
So, I'm doing the whole procrastination
right now of not packing.
It's cool. I'm nervous, but excited.
Yeah, the first day
of the rest of your life.
Yeah. There you go.
Now you want me to square this off
at the back or--
Oh, yeah, you can just--
Holy shit!
Yeah! How'd you like that, huh?
That's what you get!
I'm so sorry about that.
I will pay for all of this.
-You ready for some more? Huh?
-Oh, no.
Take that!
[Wayne yells]
-The fuck are you doing?
-Get over here.
No, no. Take it outside!
Take it outside! No, no, no!
[Wayne grunts]
Ah, Mardy! Come on, too much! Too--
What the fuck, dude? No!
-Don't put all your weight on me.
-Oh, sorry. Yeah, I can do that.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, that's enough! Stop! I surrender!
And that's what you get
if you catch me off-guard
and you sucker-chase me onto my roof!
Holy shit.
Oh. [chuckles]
Hey, Larry. What a coincidence!
You just kicked his ass.
Oh, I guess I did, didn't I?
You might wanna look in the mirror though.
Oh, wow.
No, hey. I think it looks badass.
All right.
Hey, you want to go get a six piece?
Miller Lites do it for ya?
-Yeah. Yeah. Let's do it.
Come on, bud.
-That was awesome.
-I know, I just...
You came swinging and you almost hit me.
-Well, I guess I had it in me. You know?
-That was really cool.
It came out of nowhere.
Okay, I don't know what
your threshold is for emotional pain,
so I brought options.
We have tequila, weed, Vicodin.
This is either Zoloft
or it shrinks your prostate, not sure.
And, uh, hard candy.
It's just 'cause I know you like 'em.
Oh, you're the best.
I'm gonna take all of these
at the exact same time.
-Okay, maybe... This is too soon.
Ben! Oh, there you are! Hey!
I just got us a meeting
with the top dog at ISG!
What? How?
Don't ask! Just pack your shit.
We gotta go to New York right now!
Meredith. Always looking lovely.
I'll be outside. Let's go!
-Oh, my God!
-Holy shit!
-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I gotta go pack! I'll text you
first thing when I get there.
Mr. Francis will see you now.
Okay, wish me luck.
-What are you doing?
-I'm gonna make this right for ya.
What? No, no. Dad, turn around.
Please turn around, Dad.
[Wayne] You'll thank me.
Welcome, welcome.
This is our VR meeting space.
Mr. Francis is in Taiwan,
but he is very excited to meet you.
Wait. We drove five hours
and the guy we're gonna meet isn't here?
-Hey, come on.
-That's weird.
-It's not weird.
-Just talk and act as you normally would.
And if you have any questions,
I'll be right here.
Yeah, why are your pants so tight?
They use less material,
it's better for the environment. So...
It's okay, Dad. Just put your headset on.
Here we go.
Oh, fuck!
-What's going on, Ben?
Oh, my God! Where am I?
-I'm a kangaroo!
-Dad, that's--
You're a monkey! I don't like it.
It's okay, Dad. It's not real.
It's not real?
I think you're wrong.
I think you're fucking wrong!
Watch out! Polar bear straight ahead!
Ben? Wayne? Peter Francis.
It's talking to us. It knows--
It's a friendly one.
He knows our names. Hi.
I know it's bizarre, but don't be alarmed,
this is my avatar. Please, have a seat.
Okay. I can do this. Non-issue.
Just chatting with a polar bear.
Come on, Wayne. Get it together.
So, what can I do for you?
-Well, I--
-Before I begin...
I recycle. I mean, I don't all the time,
but you're fixing all that stuff anyway,
so it probably won't matter.
I just wanted to say
that Ben's life was perfect.
He had all his ducks in a row, and--
Woah! Is that ice safe?
Is this normal? Is this...
Should it be like this?
Still fake, Dad. [chuckles]
Listen, he is a smart, smart kid.
Please don't make him do time
for my crime.
Mr. Francis, I have dreamed of
working for you since I was 15.
Your work in magnetics research,
in my opinion,
is gonna save the environment.
I just...
I really don't care what it pays.
I just really want to be a part
of your cause.
Please, polar bear.
This job is the love of his life.
[bird screeching]
What's up?
What the fuck? Ho!
Everybody, down! We got a pelican!
Why's he so angry?
Oh, shit, he's coming this way!
Ah, fuck!
Ahhh! Leave me alone!
[screeching continues]
-Take it down a notch.
This is unlike anything he's ever done.
[grunting and screaming]
Oh, fuck! There you are.
I got you!
Stupid! Fuck with me?
Get him off!
I'm so sorry.
If you can give me one second,
I can go calm him down.
Growing up with a dad like that
and turning out halfway normal?
Oh, you must be extraordinary.
Why don't you join my research team?
-That would be amazing!
-[Wayne screaming]
I love when people don't understand VR.
Hey, watch this.
What are you doing?
No. Come on. Please don't.
[screams and grunts]
Oh, my God, that's the best.
Wow. Good stuff. All right, where were we?
What the fuck, man?
You don't treat people like that!
[Wayne grunting]
Alien. Alien head. Huh?
Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad? Hey, hey.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Okay. Did you get the job?
-Don't worry about it. Come on.
Ah, so what are you gonna do now?
[Ben] I don't know, I'll figure it out.
I'm valededorian.
[doorbell buzzes]
How did it go with Peter Francis?
Oh, good! He turned into an alien
and I cut his head off.
I'm staying here. I wanna be with you.
Ben, I don't want to be the thing that
stops you from doing what you want to do.
It's just a job.
Plus, I've got a very approachable penis.
You said it yourself.
This is where I'm happy.
You know, you still kiss
like a sixth grader.
[indistinct chatter]
Look at that.
She let you get away with that?
You must be packing something.
She thinks the pool is a farm
and the goats are floats!
Uh, everyone?
Could I have your attention, please?
Thank you all so much for coming.
I just wanted to say a few words
about my son, Larry.
Oh, boy.
I am so proud of him,
both for the man that he's become
and the man that he's going to be.
I am sad to see him go,
but I could not be...
[PJ chuckling]
I couldn't be more thrilled knowing that
he's going to protect our country.
-[all cheering]
Yeah, Lar-bear!
Oh, man. I can taste it.
I actually like it. Is that bad?
Aiden, please stop that.
Stop what? He said he likes it.
I'm asking you to stop. Okay?
You should listen to what I'm saying.
You'd be lucky to become
half the man that Larry is.
What do you know? You're a wuss.
Excuse me? Uh...
I did beat the living crap
out of Wayne here.
He probably let you win.
You need to shut the fuck up!
[crowd gasping]
Thank you, Krystal.
Aiden is right. He, uh...
He did let me win.
So, Wayne, why don't you and I
fight right now, for real?
What? Come on, Mardy.
This is a joyous occasion.
What, are you afraid, huh?
You afraid, Wayne?
-Watch your mouth, big boy.
You don't want this shit-storm. Benzo?
Fuck him up, Dad.
-Show Aiden who's boss, Dad.
Oh, I got the fucking green light.
We're doing this!
Let's go.
[crowd cheering]
[both yelling]
[both grunting]
That was pathetic.
Yep. You wanna get a beer?
-Yeah, dude. Sure.
[PJ] Hey, guys, who do you think
is gonna get married first?
[Larry] Definitely Ben.
[Meredith] This Ben? Not a chance.
[Ben] Okay. All right.
[Meredith] How could I marry you?
Your penis looks like a testicle.
[PJ chuckles]
And, Larry, dude, your dad had no right
to yell at Aiden like that.
He's a good boy.
Ruth. Ruth. Are you awake?
-I ship off tomorrow morning.
I was thinking maybe we could
hang out for a little bit?
You make me feel so young.
Wig on or wig off?
Leave it on.
-I'll bang it off.
That's three.
[Mardy] Get your beard on my back, now.