Father Takes a Wife (1941) Movie Script

Now will you please sign
your father's mail?
- Yes?
- Mr. Colden's on 15.
- Will you talk for your father?
- Put him on.
Junior, where's your father?
We were supposed to discuss...
...those contracts at lunch today.
I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Colden,
but Father's been tied up all morning
with the board of director's meeting...
...on that new stock issue.
Miss Patterson was supposed to call you.
Me, I never see your father.
Well, come over in the morning and we'll
take care of it. I'm awfully sorry.
I didn't know there was to be
a new stock issue.
There isn't.
Junior, where is Senior?
At 2:30 we are launching the Frederika,
the biggest ship we've ever built.
Don't worry, Mr. Henderson,
just fan yourself.
Mr. Junior will launch the ship
for Mr. Senior.
Oh, that's wonderful.
We're just stuffing him into
his father's launching suit now.
- I can't go out in these pants.
- You can't go out without them.
We don't understand your father's
strange behavior these last few weeks.
In all the time I've been with this firm,
he's never missed a day at the office.
Well, I don't know what it is.
Lately I've had to sign for him,
lie for him, lunch for him...
and now I have to launch for him.
It's a whole ceremony, isn't it?
I won't know what to do.
Don't worry, you won't have
to do anything.
Your father's worn these same
clothes to so many launchings,
all you have to do is stand there
and the suit will go through the motions.
# Take the next foot, double quick #
# One, two, three, kick #
# And kick #
# Now we come down to the knees #
# One, two, three, kick #
# Keep them limber if you please #
# One, two, three, kick #
# One, two, three, kick #
# One, two, higher kick #
# That's better, try again #
# One, two, three, kick #
# One, two... #
# One, two, three, kick #
# Watch the feet, don't go berserk #
# Be a smoothie, not a jerk #
# One, two, three, kick #
# One, two, three, kick #
# Give those hips a little flip #
# One, two, three, kick #
# One, two, three, kick #
# One... #
- A present for you.
- Oh, thank you, Mr. Osborne!
Mr. Osborne just came in.
- Good morning, Miss Patterson.
- Good afternoon, Mr. Osborne.
- Anybody call?
- Everybody's called.
Mr. Junior spoke for you.
Mr. Junior... oh. Any mail?
Yes, Mr. Junior read it for you.
Mr. Junior... Tell Mr. Junior I want
to see him.
- Why, he's out, he went to the...
- Out?
At this time of the day?
What's got into the boy?
I wish he'd keep his mind on my work.
That's all, Miss Patterson.
Yes, sir.
Mr. Senior came in an hour ago,
Mr. Junior.
No, no, no, this is the kind of a hat
my son would select.
What did I tell you? Good heavens, Freddie,
where do you buy your ties?
This is one of your old ties.
Why, I've never worn a tie
like that in my life.
Oh, no? What about that one?
Oh, yes, well, that was before
I met, I mean...
Anyway, where do you buy
your clothes?
These aren't my clothes,
they're your clothes.
- Well, what are you doing in my clothes?
- That's what I want to talk to you about.
Sit right down. Do you mind
if we go on with my fittings?
I'd like to talk to you alone
if you can spare the time.
Oh, most unpleasant child.
Will you excuse us, please,
just wait in the outer office.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Would you like to tell me what you're doing
in the suit that I reserve for launching?
- I was launching.
- Anybody we know?
Yes, the Frederika.
By George, you're right,
I completely forgot.
You're a changed man,
I don't know you anymore.
Oh yes you do. I'm your father,
I remember you about a month ago.
You were a conservative, steady,
solid businessman...
...who came to the office early
and stayed late.
The serious gentleman who built
the Osborne Lines...
...from two miserable little ships
into a fifty-million-dollar fleet.
- Is that what you're angry about?
- I'm not angry, I'm worried.
Father, you're a bad boy.
Enid and I can't sleep nights
wondering what's got into you.
You mean I'm keeping you
awake nights?
This building has become a filling station
for you, this office a fitting room.
And you behave as though you were
sailing toy boats in a bathtub.
Is that you or my suit talking?
I had hopes that you'd grow up
to fill my shoes, not my pants.
You're not behaving like
a father of mine.
Oh, but you're behaving like
a father of mine.
If I act your age, it's your fault.
This business is my life, I love it.
- What did you say?
- I said I love this business.
I'm glad to hear it, my boy.
Because you're going to be
stuck with it.
- Huh?
- It's all your. I give it to you.
The whole dull mess.
I've had 25 years of cargos of bananas.
Twenty-five years of evil-smelling oil.
And I'm tired of handing
some politician's daughter...
three dozen American Beauty roses...
...to break a bottle of my very best
champagne over some unfortunate boat.
- Why, Father!
- And, son,
I think I'm getting a little bit
tired of you too.
You and your sanctimonious bloom.
Why, you've got the virtuous
scrub look of a poop deck.
- Father, you don't mean that.
- I most assuredly do.
Take the fleet, my boy,
and do what you like with it.
Well, how's that?
- What are you going to do?
- Everything.
Freddie, I've been keeping
something from you.
I guess I may as well make
a clean breast of it.
Make a clean breast of what?
Father, what did you do?
Don't get excited, I wanted to tell you,
but you've been so busy.
You'd better take it easy,
Father, sit down.
No, I'd rather walk.
- Well?
- Well...
Do you remember when you came
into this very same office...
...about a year and a half ago
and you hemmed and hawed...
...and stammered and stumbled?
You mean when I told you
I wanted to marry Enid?
- Yes.
- Well, what about it?
Well, as a matter of fact...
To... to put it plainly,
that is, to be absolutely honest,
Freddie, why do you make it
so impossibly difficult?
You know what I'm trying to say.
You were young once.
I was never as young as you are.
I'd like to get married.
Married? What for?
To avoid the draft.
Well, who is it?
Or can you tell me?
She's a very charming actress.
An actress?
You're not going to bring some
chorus girl home to meet your family.
Did I say chorus girl?
I said actress.
- Leslie Collier.
- Yes.
Well, what in the world does Leslie Collier
want to marry you for?
Oh, the usual reasons.
Leslie Collier.
- Hello, I thought I...
- Enid! Come in, come in.
Yes, come in, darling, we have
some very important...
Now, you keep quiet.
- I'll tell her myself.
- What is it?
Sit down.
- I'm giving Junior the business.
- He's giving us both the business.
Did you say you were going to turn
this whole business over to Frederic?
Yes, I want to retire.
the most wonderful woman in the world
has asked me to marry her.
Tell her who it is.
It's Leslie Collier.
But Father, why in the name of heaven
does Leslie Collier want to marry you?
Well, it never occurred to you two old maids
that she might be in love with me!
- Father, don't be fantastic.
- Oh, I suppose you think it's puppy love.
Nonsense, puppy love at your age.
There's nothing wrong with my age
that Leslie Collier can't cure.
Now, you married the boy that you wanted,
I'm going to marry the girl that I want.
And there's not one thing that either
one of you can do about it.
Now, if you want to cut me off,
go ahead!
Honey, you'll always be an actress mentally
signing your own autograph album...
To Leslie Collier, from her greatest
admirer, Leslie Collier.
Darling, you'll never be contented
to be just a wife...
...and play second fiddle to
a string of ships.
You're wrong. I love the theater
and I shall always love it.
But I love Frederic more.
That's the most insincere curtain
speech you've ever made.
You know, Leslie, I never did like you
in a comedy role.
I suppose I am rather funny.
But that's how I feel about it.
How does Frederic feel about all this?
The same as I do.
We've always been in love.
Aunt Julia, I'm very nervous
about tonight.
No man ever took me home
to meet his children before.
I don't know what attack to use.
Should I be simple and sweet?
Well, I never got anywhere
being sweet.
You never got anywhere period.
Suppose they don't like me.
Then let them get their money back
at the box office.
Shall I wear jewelry?
I would, I'd wear it all.
Every piece you've got.
And what you can't wear, carry.
There's Frederic. How do I look?
Well, you don't look like a woman who's
about to have two married children.
Aren't they lovely?
What are you supposed to do,
wear them or sleep under them?
I'm afraid you'll have to drag
them on a cord.
You keep them for me until
after the show.
Sweetheart, the orchids are beautiful!
- Darling.
- Thank you so much.
Well, aren't you going to wear them?
There's no apartment big enough
for both of us.
- Where are we dining?
- At my place...
...and then we're all going to
the theater after.
You're not! You've seen it
a hundred times.
And in the first row too.
Tell me, what did Freddie and Enid say
when you told them about us?
Nothing, they just opened their
mouths very wide.
- Oh, like goldfish.
- Like goldfish.
You know, I don't know why,
but I'm a little bit nervous.
I've never brought anyone home
to meet the family before.
You're nervous, I'm scared to death.
You know how families are. There's no one
ever good enough to marry Father.
Are they, uh... difficult?
Well, they're not like us.
- They're a little old-fashioned.
- Oh.
Do you think we need a drink?
Need it? That is the understatement
of the century
I wonder what she's like.
You know, if I were Father...
All I know is I wish they'd hurry,
I'm getting sleepy.
Frankly, Frederic, I'm terribly
apprehensive about the whole thing.
You know what actresses are.
Wouldn't it be awful if she
ruined his life?
I mean, what there is left of it.
Frederic, dear, please!
We're supposed to be gay.
Let Father handle the gaiety
for this family.
- If you think for one minute that I'm...
- Shhh! They're coming.
Leslie, dear, I want you to meet...
Now, Father, don't bother to introduce us,
we know this is Leslie.
Certainly. We're so happy
to meet you.
- Would you like a little sherry?
- No, thank you, I never touch it.
Come sit over here by me, dear.
I know you have to dine early
because of the theater.
- We'll have you there in plenty of time.
- You're very sweet.
Well, what do you think
of my little girl?
She's lovely!
You're going to seem much more
like my sister than my mother.
Will you continue in the theater
after you get married?
No woman can play two parts.
You'd better make up your mind whether
to be a great actress or a happy wife.
You have to be a great actress
to be a happy wife.
And I can't wait to prove it.
I'm closing my play next week.
- You'll be married right away then?
- We don't want to waste any time.
You shouldn't at your age.
My boy, if I were four times my age
and being kept alive in an oxygen tent,
I'd still have twice as much vim
as you have now.
Our house in Connecticut would be
ideal for the wedding.
Oh, I'd love that!
Where are you going on
your honeymoon?
I'd like to take a trip through
the Rockies, with a pack, and mules.
The Rockies would be bad
for Father's blood pressure.
Well, then we could go to New Orleans
for the Mardi Gras...
...and beat each other over the
head with magnolia blossoms.
That would be bad for Father's
hay fever.
How would you two children like it
if we took a nice trip to some clinic?
Then we could sail down
my bloodstream...
...and take some lovely X-ray pictures
of our honeymoon.
Where do you think they
should go, dear?
Yes, where do you think
we should go?
We're going to Mexico two weeks
from Wednesday but positively.
- Wonderful!
- The car is waiting, sir.
Oh, good heavens, I must run.
Please don't stand up.
Stay and have your coffee.
- Do you usually leave this early?
- I have to tonight.
In your honor I'm breaking in
a new pair of eyelashes.
- Stuffy, aren't they?
- But awfully sweet.
- Who are the two people with him?
- His son and daughter-in-law.
When you said he had children,
I thought you meant children.
At least if you married me,
we'd start from scratch.
I don't want to marry you,
I want to marry him.
After all we've been to each other?
- What have we been to each other?
- Er, nothing.
- But I'm still out there trying.
- Well, you must stop trying right now.
Stand by, Miss Collier, Mr. Stewart.
Yes, I'm coming.
I'm coming.
Give a good performance tonight too
for the old boy.
Right up these stairs.
Careful, darling.
This is heaven!
All the honeymoon couples say that
when they come here.
Everything's fine, thanks.
- We won't need you anymore.
- They all say that too.
Dearest, let's both remember
this moment all our lives.
Darling, just think, we'll have
ten wonderful days.
- Then we go back and starve to death.
- I'm not worried about us.
You'll get something.
A job, I mean.
Everything's always worked out
all right, everything always will.
You're going to make a very
swell wife, Mrs. Stephens.
- I'm lucky with long shots.
- Oh, you're a darling.
He's not supposed to kiss her
in that scene.
And he's not supposed to kiss
her that way.
My pet.
What are you doing here?
- How did your friends like the show?
- Agnes, please wait outside.
How dare you carry on like that!
Why, what did I do?
You added five minutes to the show
with all those extra kisses.
Did you see Mr. Osborne's face?
Wasn't it purple?
He's not in show business. He doesn't
understand that kind of humor.
Now will you please go.
Come in.
Oh, Leslie, we enjoyed every
last minute of it.
- Yes.
- I'm glad.
May I present Mr. Stewart.
Mr. and Mrs. Osborne Junior.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
- I believe you know Mr. Osborne.
- Yes, of course. How do you do, sir?
Splendid performance tonight, Stewart.
You certainly put your heart
in my work.
Well, that is because my heart
is in my work.
Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm awfully
happy to have met you.
Good night, my lovely.
You'll call me in the morning?
Call you in the morning? What for?
You know.
Well, why don't we sit down...
or something?
Isn't it exciting to have such
good-looking leading men...
...making love to you all
over the place?
Yes, but after the curtain comes down,
I am the leading man.
Now come on, Leslie, get that stuff
off your face. We're all going out.
Oh, no, not us.
It's all right for you youngsters.
But I have to get my eight
hours sleep.
You just had two.
Now all you need is six.
You see, that's the way it is.
When you've been married as long
as we have, you'll understand.
- Yes.
- Good night, Leslie.
- Good night.
- I'll call you in the morning.
Yes, please do.
We have loads of plans to make
for the wedding.
- Good night, Father.
- Good night.
I know. I'm going to take the words
right out of your mouth.
Quote: How long have you been
carrying on with that leading man?
How could you humiliate me like
that before the children?
- Unquote.
- That about covers it.
- Don't you want to hear the answers?
- No.
Here, don't you want to throw
things, or break something?
I want to break this thing off.
If I can't trust you before
a thousand people...
- You know it wasn't my fault.
- But you must have encouraged it.
I did not, and you're a fool
if you think such a thing.
I'm a fool for being such a fool.
Me buying pearl gray hats,
and high-school neckties,
and getting on conga lines, and losing
my breath trying to keep with you!
I'll always be wanting to kill somebody.
And I'll probably explode and die
of spontaneous combustion!
- Stop yelling.
- I'm not yelling.
I'm looking at this thing sensibly,
sanely and quietly.
And it won't do! It won't do,
do you hear?
Yes, I hear.
You'll never be able to lose this great
identity of yours and just be my wife.
You'll never be satisfied to settle down and
grow old garcefully like Enid and Junior.
Oh, no, not you!
You'll always be this great public
figure and I won't have it.
I won't have it, do you hear?
I won't have my wife being chased
around by every Tom...
And Harry!
Darling, you're a bit of a ham.
But I love you.
Leslie, don't get off on
the wrong foot.
Specially on your wedding day.
What did you say, darling?
I said don't get off on
the wrong foot!
Very pretty.
You know, men are like children.
Always let them think they're
getting their own way.
But if you're smart, they'll never
know that you're really getting yours.
Then what did he say?
You'd better hurry and get...
You'd better hurry and get
dressed, darling.
If you pull that any tighter,
your hat won't fit.
Just trying to hold in that
middle-age spread.
It will look better in the newsreels.
You know how it is.
I thought you wanted to
avoid publicity.
Well, when you marry a woman
like Leslie Collier...
...you've got to expect some publicity.
If you let her get the upper hand,
you're a dead duck.
Take me, for instance. I trained Enid
from the very beginning.
Yes, and now you've got her
just where she wants you.
I mean, no!
Father, you listen to me
and you'll be all right.
I'll listen. This is one of the times
when a father needs a son.
Father, you look sweet.
Well, thanks, dear, you look
pretty funny yourself.
Good luck.
Come in.
Oh, darling.
- You're incredibly lovely.
- Do you really think so?
- I'm so glad.
- Let's see how we look together.
Mr. and Mrs. Frederic Osborne.
- Senior.
- Senior.
Is, uh... Is this your new
luggage, darling?
Hm-hmm, why?
Because it looks more like a theatrical
tour than a honeymoon.
When you ordered it, didn't
you realize...
...that your initials were going
to be "O" for Osborne?
What a silly mistake.
Well, everyone in the world knows
that I'm Leslie Collier.
Yes, but as of today, you're
Mrs. Frederic Osborne.
I may be Mrs. Frederic Osborne
to you, dear,
but to my luggage I'm still
Leslie Collier.
But after we're married,
you'll be an Osborne.
Oh, I see, you want to launch me
as you would one of your new ships...
...and break a bottle of champagne
over my head.
That is not a bad idea.
- Thank you!
- You're welcome!
What's the matter?
- Nothing.
- Nothing.
Everybody's here. The judge is waiting
to perform the ceremony.
What's the matter?
- Nothing.
- Nothing.
Nothing? Then let's get down.
Well, Miss Collier, are we going through
with this wedding or aren't we?
Of course the wedding goes on
as advertised.
I never missed a performance
in my life.
Excuse me.
You look grand, Leslie.
Blue certainly is your color.
It's gray, darling.
You know, you picked out an awfully
good-looking judge to marry you.
Do you suppose after he marries you
he'll marry me?
He couldn't do worse.
Oh, about your entrance music,
what do you want the orchestra
to strike up for that last mile?
Anything but "I Love you Truly".
Play Darktown Strutters' Ball.
We are gathered here today
to join this man and this woman...
...together in the bonds of holy matrimony.
If anyone can show just cause why
they may not lawfully be joined together,
let him now speak or else
hereafter hold his peace.
Frederic, do you take this woman
to be your lawful wedded wife?
Will you love her, comfort her,
honor and keep her in sickness and in
health so long as you both shall live?
I will.
Leslie, do you take this man
to be your lawful wedded husband?
Will you love him, comfort him,
honor him and keep him in sickness and in
health so long as you both shall live?
- I will.
- The ring.
Since Frederic and Leslie have
consented together in wedlock,
and have joined hands,
by virtue of the authority of the
state of Connecticut,
I pronounce you man and wife.
I was a brute to lose my temper.
I'll never do it again.
Forget it, dearest.
Give me another kiss.
Freddie, I want to be the first
to congratulate you.
Oh, I love weddings anyway.
I think they're almost as exciting
as funerals, don't you?
Yes, and not half as final,
if you know what I mean.
- Wasn't it a charming ceremony?
- Leslie knows everybody, doesn't she?
- Your father won't have a dull moment.
- He certainly won't.
He certainly won't.
My dear, I always have
first night nervousness.
Leslie, excuse me.
Have you been watching the time?
You have to be at the pier by six.
I wonder where my husband is.
He's gone up to change
and you'd better do the same.
All right, dear, excuse me.
Oh, judge, you say the dullest things.
What's the verdict, Julie,
is he going to give you life?
- Heck, no, I can't even get thirty days.
- That's too bad.
Do you I suppose I could get
anything for disorderly conduct.
- A fine.
- Might be worth it.
Darling, you haven't time
to go downstairs again.
- You'd better get into your sailor suit.
- Okay, skipper.
Wasn't it lovely?
Agnes, when did Mr. Osborne
do that?
Just now.
I'll fix him.
He thinks he's pretty cute.
That does it.
- Are you dressed, dear?
- Come in, darling.
- Almost ready, Mrs. Osborne?
- Hm-hmm.
- Who did that?
- Did what, darling?
- That, that and that!
- Oh, that.
You know who did it,
but who started it?
- I started it!
- Well, I finished it.
And you're the one who wanted to settle
down to a nice, quiet, obscure life.
Now that, for instance,
is what I call obscurity.
Darling, I told you it was a mistake.
A mistake? What would Enid
and Junior think?
What a childish mind you have.
Is that what I gave up
my career for?
You haven't given up anything yet.
But you're going to start right now!
I'll make an Osborne of you if it's
the last act of my life.
- Get away from my trunk.
- I'll do nothing of the kind.
Now stop it, I don't want you
to ruin it.
Now stop it, Frederic, stop it!
Frederic, don't do that!
Frederic, I don't want you
to ruin my luggage!
- Do you hear me?
- Ouch!
Don't you hit me!
- I told you to stay away from that!
- Leave me alone!
I won't let you have it. Now stop it,
do you understand me?
- Someone must have broken a glass.
- That's good luck.
Well, it's some kind of luck.
Isn't it time for you two love
birds to start flying?
We're all ready. Frederic had
a few last-minute things to attend to.
You'll never make it.
Sweetheart, you must have dropped
your flowers.
Thank you.
Come on now, hurry, the car's
waiting at the front door.
- I'm not going.
- You're not going? I'm not going.
Don't stop to argue, you have
a whole honeymoon to fight on.
- I'm not going!
- Neither am I!
We saw the car drive up to the door,
you're not going to get away.
- Leslie, let us see you away.
- Have fun!
This is where I came in.
- Goodbye!
- Goodbye!
Judge, that knot you tied is slipping.
What are you thinking of?
You and the honeymoon.
When I think how we wasted the first
two days not speaking to each other,
I could stab myself.
And I could twist the knife around.
You know where we made
our big mistake?
When we left Mexico. We should have
stayed there a little longer.
The honeymoon isn't over, darling,
it's just beginning.
Our days will be full and our nights
will be just as wonderful.
Oh, what peace and quiet.
It's heavenly.
Mr. Osborne, sir, we found
a stowaway aboard.
- Stowaway?
- What do you do with stowaways?
- Put him to work.
- Then put him to work, captain.
I can't, sir.
He, er... He's a singer.
- A singer?
- That's what he told me.
- That's your department.
- Here he is, sir.
- Poor fellow.
- Seems in pretty bad shape.
Yes, he was all cramped up
in the signal locker.
He's hungry too.
Well, get some food into him and
put him to bed in one of the cabins.
I'll look in on him in the
morning, captain.
Poor old man. Wonder how he happened
to pick out our ship.
We'll find out all about it tomorrow.
Feeling better today?
Yes, much better, thank you.
Only my eyes from that dark closet.
The light is not used to them.
Excuse me, but you are who?
Osborne, Frederic Osborne.
Oh, then this is your ship.
I'm very grateful to you for the ride.
Well, I'm glad that we happen
to be going your way.
Yes, New York is my way.
I must get to New York.
Well you certainly were trying
to get there the hard way.
What else can I do?
I have no dollars.
Not even one. Where I come from they
don't let me take one dollar out.
- All I can take out is my voice.
- Oh?
Well, my voice is one thing that
even I cannot deny to the world.
Especially America, who has been
so good to all of us.
Maybe it isn't as simple as that.
We have immigration laws.
They may deport you. You have
to come in under a quota.
But I do, I got this... this quota.
And my passport too.
This is my quota number.
- It's a very long number.
- Well, then your worries are over.
No, then just my worries begin.
In my country I'm a great singer.
- A big success in concerts.
- Ou, you're a concert singer.
May I ask your name?
Well, prepare yourself.
You never expected to meet
in person Carlos Bardez.
- Carlos Bardez.
- That's right, Carlos Bardez.
You mean you never hear of me?
A big man like you?
Well, I don't go to concerts very often.
But I'm sure that my wife
knows who you are.
I'm sure she does if she's
a lady of culture.
- I'd like to meet your wife.
- You shall.
If you feel up to it, you may
lunch with us.
It will be a pleasure. But all I have
to wear is this oilskin bag.
Well, I'll send some things
down to you.
Would you like to have a razor too?
If you take that fur piece into America,
you'll have to declare it.
- Fur piece?
- Chinchilla.
Well, when the razor comes,
it comes off.
- Would you like some more breakfast?
- Well, er...
- I'd, er...
- What would you like?
If it isn't too much trouble...
Once again everything that was here.
- What's his name?
- Carlos Bardez.
Never heard of him.
You mean to say that you never
heard of Carlos Bardez?
- No, have you?
- No.
Poor guy. He has no friends
and no money and...
...he lives all alone in an oilskin bag
that he wears around his neck.
What's that about an oilskin bag?
- That's all he has in the world.
- Well, for heaven's sake, let's help him!
Nobody can sing on an empty stomach.
We have to do more than that.
No one can sing with an empty
heart either.
That's enough, now.
Drop your anchor, dear, before you
drown in your own sentimentality.
Leslie, you're a hard woman.
Have you no love for your fellow men?
Sure we can give money.
That isn't the extra inch.
I want to do something more.
Something personal.
Do you mean you want to kiss him?
He's not the kind of a man that you can
stick away in a room in a boarding house.
He should have a home.
A home like ours.
Our home.
Why not?
That's what we'll do.
We'll take him home with us.
Really, Frederic.
Now you're going overboard.
You haven't carried your bride
across the threshold yet...
...and you're taking in boarders.
Well, maybe you're right.
But he wouldn't be in the way at all.
We could give him the whole top floor.
Where are you?
Stop rolling out of sight
like a collar button.
I won't have it.
We'll be tripping over throat
sprays, cough drops...
...and incense burners burning benzoin.
Did you ever smell benzoin?
He's probably a highly cultured,
sensitive creature.
I'll bet he sings like a bird.
- Then buy him a perch.
- All right, forget about it.
We won't do it. It's just
an idea that I had.
Yes, darling, let's forget all about it.
There'll just be the two of us,
and that will be wonderful.
Come in, Bardez, come in.
This is our stowaway.
Leslie, may I present Carlos Bardez.
Not Carlos Bardez the singer?
Why, there is only one Bardez.
This is exciting. I heard you sing.
Uh, let me see.
Was it in London?
Yes, I had a very big success
in London.
The critics say I am a very
clever... genius.
- Well, Bardez, perhaps you'd like...
- Fits you right.
That's lunch. Come, Leslie,
let's get cleaned up.
# Mujer #
# Si puedes tu con Dis hablar #
# Pregntale si yo alguna vez #
# Te he dejado de adorar #
# Y al mar #
# Espejo de mi corazn #
# Las veces que me ha visto llorar #
# La perfidia de tu amor #
# Te he buscado dondequiera que yo voy #
# Y no te puedo hallar #
# Para qu quiero otros besos #
# Si tus labios no me quieren ya besar? #
# Y t #
# Quin sabe por dnde andars #
# Quin sabe qu aventuras tendrs #
# Qu lejos ests de m! #
Oh, dear.
Frederic, I have the most
brilliant idea.
Yes, darling?
Mr. Bardez has got to come
and stay with us.
Well, we have that big
house and, er...
...he'd be all by himself and we'd
never see him practically.
And he could just sing,
and sing, and sing.
No, no, this I cannot let you do.
You've been too kind already,
this is too much.
Not at all.
Boat over my head, well I have to,
but to put your house over my
head too, no, I couldn't do that.
But you have no friends,
no money, no place to go.
Darling, you can convince him
that it's for his own good.
By all means, have him
move right in.
He can make our home his home.
Well, what can I say,
I'm too touched.
Don't say anything, it's all settled.
Frederic, the first thing we must
do is to arrange a concert.
- At Concert Hall.
- Concert Hall?
I never hear of this place.
What's the matter with Carnegie Hall?
What's the matter with
the Yankee Stadium?
- Darling, be serious.
- Leslie, this is a very big project.
I'd be afraid to undertake it.
Maybe you could introduce us
to another undertaker.
- Maybe.
- Oh, this is so exciting.
We should radio Bob Wilson to start
the publicity right away.
Frederic, there's no end
in his possibilities.
I can see that. But what would
Enid and Junior say?
- You know they scare easily.
- Let's radio them, here.
Mr. and Mrs. Frederic Osborne Jr.
Arriving Tuesday. Bringing back
the most amazing surprise.
- Is this amazing surprise me?
- Yes.
Then, maybe you'd better say...
sensational surprise, no?
Sensational surprise, yes!
I wonder what she meant by
sensational surprise.
Probably the fact they're
coming back together.
There they are.
Hello! Look at Aunt Julie,
she's bursting with curiosity.
That's my son and daughter-in-law.
- And Aunt Julie.
- Oh.
- Who do you suppose that man is?
- I'll bet that's the surprise.
What a face full of stuff.
Only Leslie could find anything
that good on a boat...
...that's carrying nothing but
a cargo of bananas.
Goodbye, captain.
- Hello, Freddie.
- Hello there, how are you?
- How do you think your father looks?
- Fine, wonderful.
Oh, Carlos Bardez, I want you to meet
Mr. and Mrs. Frederic Osborne Junior.
- How do you do?
- And this is Aunt Julie.
- Very happy to make your acquaintance.
- I'm happy to make yours.
- The surprise?
- Uh-huh.
Well, let's get going.
Oh, can we drop you somewhere?
- Carlos is coming home with us.
- Good.
Come on, I'll tell you all about it...
Can you imagine, I thought
he was an old man.
I was unconscious.
Then we put him to bed
and cut his beard off.
Darling, don't you want to carry
me across the threshold?
Of course.
Does he have to go over and over
that same phrase?
It's probably a very difficult passage
and he wants to get it right.
Better get it right by Thursday night.
Can't stop and start again
at Concert Hall.
There, he got it right that time.
No, I guess he didn't.
Carlos has the patience of a saint.
It's a lovely song.
One of my favorites.
Excuse me a moment.
- Father's very jumpy tonight.
- He's all right.
I know just how he feels.
They're knocking. Maybe we're
disturbing somebody.
Maybe somebody are disturbing us.
Can't a man practice with his own voice,
in his own room, in his own house?
Frederic, oh Frederic,
we made it!
- You played it divinely.
- All I ask is a dollar to get home.
They'd do that much for you
at any gambling house.
- Darling, I made a grand slam.
- That's what I'd like to do.
Don't you think we've heard about
enough of that little jam.
Why, darling!
I don't want to hear any more singing.
I feel like a mechanical doll.
I wake up to music. I bathe, shave
and eat my breakfast to music.
I talk, walk and play bridge
in three-quarter time.
But Frederic, you wanted him
to live with us.
And now you're acting as though
it were my idea.
Don't you think your father's
being unreasonable?
I am not unreasonable, I'm lonesome.
I'm a bridegroom without a bride.
Leslie has to take Carlos to luncheons
and dinners at my club.
She has to sell tickets for Carlos'
concerts to my friends.
Everybody's waiting on Carlos.
My butler, my chauffeur, my valet.
Why, he's wearing my dressing gown,
and my slippers.
He uses my razor, my lotion,
my hair tonic.
Why, I even have to carry a toothbrush
around with me or he'd be using that.
Listen to him. Did you ever
hear such talk?
Why, yes, Father.
After all, if Leslie is devoting
all her time to Carlos,
it's solely because of the concert,
isn't it?
You certainly haven't been given
any cause to be jealous, have you?
I'm not jealous, that's preposterous.
My interest in Carlos is
very impersonal.
The whole thing appeals to the ham in me.
I love the excitement.
The work keeps me in touch
with the theater.
You see, Father, that's all it amounts to.
When you've been on the stage
as long as Leslie has,
it's impossible to get it out
of your system.
There's no point to all this talk.
It'll all be over Thursday.
Why don't you two kiss
and forget it?
Why, Junior, you make it sound
as if we've been fighting.
We haven't been fighting,
have we, sweetheart?
You've just let yourself get
all worked up over nothing.
Come on, darling, sit next to me.
No sugar, isn't that the way
you like it, Enid?
- Yes.
- Coffee, Junior?
No, thank you, it keeps me awake.
A cup for you, darling, it's wonderful
for your nerves.
- Isn't this the broken record part?
- Shh, he'll only sing it once.
- How many encores does he give?
- This is the last.
Excuse me, I want to meet
Carlos when he comes out.
Father, why didn't you wear your
white tie and tails tonight?
Because Carlos is wearing them.
They loved you, Carlos.
You were splendid, magnificent.
It's good that after five encores
I take six bows.
- Maybe I should take another...
- No need to hurry.
But Leslie, I have to wait backstage
for my fans.
People always come back and say
how much they like me.
That's why we're giving you
a reception at the Town Club.
Every important critic and manager
in New York will be there.
Surely after tonight you'll get
a concert tour.
Concert tour? Do you really think so?
Yes. But don't you talk business
to any of them.
You just say, how do you do,
Mr. so-and-so, be sweet...
...and charming and leave the
rest to me.
Do you think your husband
will be glad of my success?
I have an idea he'll be delighted
to share you with the public.
- Well, I wonder where they are?
- The other side of the stage most likely.
- He did sing beautifully.
- Yes, but he doesn't need that voice.
When you have a face like that,
all you need is a face like that.
I beg your pardon, have you
seen Mr. Bardez?
- Who's he?
- The singer.
I just seen him going out
the door with a lady.
- Funny she didn't say something.
- They probably went on to the club.
Your friend Leslie has a very peculiar
way of doing things, Aunt Julie.
So has your wife. I figured being
the extra girl he'd be my escort.
Believe me, I'd have gotten
to first base.
The bases are full. Come on.
Hello, Freddie. I want you to meet
two of Borrah Minevitch's rascals.
Pat and Mike, Mr. Frederic Osborne.
Well, what's stewing, Freddie?
I am. I've been trying to talk
to Leslie all evening.
You've got nothing on me. I've been trying
to talk to these two buzzards all evening.
But they don't talk English,
I don't talk Russian.
Thank heavens we all drink
the same language.
Merci, madame.
I beg your pardon, I've been trying to get
a word with my wife all evening.
Darling, may I see you a minute?
Oh, there's Mr. Fowler.
Excuse me, darling, this is important.
William, it was sweet of you to come.
- Carlos, you must meet Mr. Fowler.
- I am delighted, sir, I am charming.
- A fine performance, young man.
- Thank you, your opinion is so important.
- He should do very well in America.
- Have you any ideas?
Well it's quite possible that I...
I beg your pardon, Mr. so-and-so,
but I am not allowed to talk
business tonight.
All right, I don't blame you,
it's been a busy night.
- Hello, Bill.
- Good evening, Frederic.
If you'll excuse me, I must rescue
Mrs. Fowler.
Oh, Frederic, why did you break in
at that particular moment?
I thought I could talked Mr. Fowler
into making an offer.
I'm sorry, it seems I'm always
breaking in.
I've been wandering around here
all night like the lost chord.
Poor man, this must be awful for you.
Oh, there's Mr. Howard Cross,
he's terribly influential.
Please excuse me, Frederic,
but Carlos must meet him.
- Have you had enough of this, dear?
- More than enough.
Then let's go.
Now that Carlos has been
successfully launched,
perhaps our lives will be normal
and quiet again.
- Father, where are you going?
- Home.
You can't leave yet, you should
stay and help Leslie.
She doesn't need any help. She's doing
almost too well by herself.
I think you're making a big
mistake, Father.
Well, never mind that. You're going
my way you can drop me.
I'll leave my car for Leslie
and Carlos.
All right, but you'll be sorry.
It won't be the first time.
Good night, I guess it was
a great success.
Go right to bed, Father,
don't wait up.
Whatever you'll say to Leslie
is sure to be wrong.
And remember, Father, things
always looks better in the morning.
Good night.
Ah, I'm not angry, I'm just hurt.
I won't say anything to her.
I don't want her to think I'm jealous.
No, I won't say a word to her
when she comes in.
I'll just say, "It was a very nice concert."
And the very least she can do
is to tell me...
...that she's sorry for letting me
stand around like a fool.
If she doesn't say anything,
I'll just say,
"I left without saying good night
because I couldn't find you.
Then, if she doesn't say anything,
I'll tell her that everybody in the club...
...noticed how she hung on to
Carlos all evening.
And if she still doesn't say anything,
I'll tell her I don't believe she's
only interested in his career.
No one's that interested
in a person's career.
She doesn't even know her own
husband's in the same room.
And I know what she'll say.
She'll say, "You're jealous."
And if she does, by heavens,
I'll let her have it.
I'll say, "See here, Mrs. Leslie Collier,
you'll have to wake up pretty early in the
morning to pull the wool over my eyes."
Where have you been till two
or three o'clock in the morning?
- You're lying!
- Talking to yourself is a sign of insanity.
So you won't tell me where you've been
till two or three o'clock in the morning!
How does it look for my wife
to stay up all night?
That's ridiculous. Carlos didn't
have any dinner...
...so we stopped off for a sandwich,
is there any harm in that?
No, I suppose not, for two bohemians.
Two artists.
- I want to tell you something.
- Go ahead, I'm listening.
You'll have to mend your ways.
There are going to be some
changes made around here.
You can't go traipsing around town like
some eighteen-year-old madcap heiress.
- Who do you think you are?
- What?
I said who do you think you are?
This is very discouraging.
For people who love each other,
we have far too many of these explosions.
I like a good fight as well as anyone,
but this argument has no basis,
no substance.
- Oh, no?
- No.
If you'd stop and think a minute,
you'd realize that no one's important
in my life but you.
You don't think, You're jealous,
that's all.
Who, me? I'm jealous?
It's the plain, common, ordinary
garden variety of jealousy.
Don't flatter yourself that
I care one whit...
...about these small two-for-a-nickel
flirtations of yours.
They're just a nourishing cream
for your ego.
You're still a very beautiful
woman, my dear.
You don't need these little men to keep
proving to yoursef how irresistable you are.
That's enough!
Now get out!
Get out of my house, your house,
our house!
- Get out!
- It's a pleasure!
Oh, my knee!
- Good morning, Mr. Osborne.
- Is it?
Who is it? Who's in here?
Don't be frightened, it's only Father.
Father, what are you doing here?
I hate to get you two up
at this hour.
But I'm desperate.
What's the matter?
- I've left home.
- You what?
Didn't you go right to sleep?
I couldn't sleep, so I waited up for her.
- We had a terrible fight.
- What happened?
She slammed the door in my face.
You should have heard the things
she said to me.
And then what do you think she did?
She told me to get out.
Practically kicked me out.
Oh, you poor darling.
And then when I went to get
my clothes,
she turned off the light
and I tripped over a chair.
I hurt myself.
What am I going to do?
You're going to stay right
here with us.
Are you sure you didn't do anything
to start this argument?
Who, me? Well, you saw how
she neglected me all evening.
Did I say anything? Not one word.
Then I sat up in bed waiting for her.
Do you know what time
she came in?
Two, three, four o'clock
in the morning?
Well, all young couples have
these quarrels, now...
...you go on home and we'll
patch it up tomorrow.
I don't want to patch it up
and I won't go home.
- Oh, yes you will.
- Oh, no I won't.
Well, take the room you usually have
and get some sleep.
What time are you going in to town?
I figured I'd go around noon.
Noon, isn't that rather late for you?
Well, get me up in time
to go in with you.
I want to stop off and see my lawyer.
- Good night, Father.
- There's no fool like an old fool.
It's all Carlos. He's at the bottom
of the whole thing.
They should have honeymooned
in the Canadian Rockies.
Then she would have found
someone lost in the snow.
Well, there's only one thing to do.
Get rid of Carlos, in a nice way,
of course.
I can't think of any nice way.
I tell you what we could do.
We could invite Carlos up here
till he books a concert tour.
If you think for one minute that
I'm going to have my house...
...turned upside down and my servants
devoting their time to Carlos.
But this is an extremity. You don't want
a divorced father in your hands, do you?
- Do you think he'll go as far as that?
- I certainly do.
Well, all right.
I'll call Carlos in the morning
and ask him up.
You must remember that the first time you
were married I wasn't there to advise you.
But times have changed since then.
Men can't talk to their wives
the way they used to.
The best thing you can do
is to apologize.
Isn't that my car coming this way?
- Looks like it.
- Say...
Do you suppose that Leslie is going out
to Connecticut to patch things up with me?
- Not at all.
- Well, what do you suppose?
It's Carlos!
What the devil is he...
Yes, it's Carlos. He's coming up
to stay with us.
Now all you have to do
is go home...
...and say you're sorry and make
Leslie believe it.
George, stop by my florist.
My son, you're the best father
a father ever had.
Good luck, Father. Call us and let
us know how you make out.
I'll do all right!
- Where are you taking those trunks?
- Hotel St. Anthony.
St. Anthony?
Hello, operator, give me the
Hotel St. Anthony, please.
I don't know the number.
Don't you know the number?
But that's your business, you're
supposed to know all the numbers.
I haven't got a telephone book.
All right, give me information.
Hello, information? Get me the
Hotel St. Anthony, please.
I haven't got a telephone book!
All right.
Hello, Hotel St. Anthony?
Mrs. Frederic Osborne's
apartment, please.
Not registered?
Oh, I get it. Try Miss Leslie Collier's
apartment, I'll bet she's registered.
Aunt Julie, you'd better not bend over
like that or your head will fall off.
- It's Freddie.
- Hang up.
- Oh, you can't do that.
- I don't want to talk to him.
She says she doesn't want
to talk to you.
- He says please.
- No.
She says no.
He says please.
- No.
- She says no.
She's up. She's down.
She's up.
Boy, what a fight.
The crowd's going wild.
This is coming to you through
the courtesy of Aunt Julie.
We pause now for station identification.
Oh, listen Freddie, I can't talk
to you anymore.
There are a lot of little men with hammers
building a new subway in my head.
Hotel St. Anthony.
One moment.
What is the number of Miss Leslie
Collier's apartment, please?
- Who shall I say is calling?
- Mr. Osborne, her husband.
Just a minute.
Freddie's in the lobby
and wants to come up.
Miss Collier is not in for
Mr. Osborne at any time.
I'm sorry, Mr. Osborne,
Miss Collier can't see you.
Well... send these up anyway.
Thank you.
You can put those things
in Mr. Bardez's room.
Oh, and tell the chauffeur to stop by
and pick up the piano tuner.
- I don't feel right about this.
- About what?
About this shopping you buy me,
and living here in your house.
No, I can't let you do more,
I must go.
Oh, don't be ridiculous,
where would you go?
Back where I belong,
to Leslie and her husband.
But why, they can't make you feel
more welcome than we have.
Oh, it's not you, it's Junior.
I think he's jealous.
Oh, that's funny.
It's funny to me.
Senior is not jealous.
So I'd like to go back to him.
Carlos, you are just supersensitive.
You wouldn't be such a fine
artist if you weren't and...
...I wouldn't be so fond of you
if you weren't.
And neither would Freddie.
We'd both feel terribly
if you left us now.
But I have not treat them right.
The morning after my first
concert I left them.
Just when they can start
to enjoy me.
And they're such nice people, kind,
and always so happy together.
- Yes...
- If I stay,
do you think they'll come up for Saturday
night when I sing for your charity concert?
Yes, I think so.
Now, why don't you go upstairs...
...and work on the songs
you're going to sing?
I will, I'll give a great performance,
as usual.
You'd better. No matter
how worthy the cause,
when people pay $10 a seat
they expect something.
Don't worry, I'll undo myself.
Hello, is Mr. Zabione there?
Oh... When is he expected?
Tell him to call Mrs. Osborne.
It's about the orchestra for
Saturday night, thank you.
Busy busy busy?
Where's Father? I thought he was
coming up with you.
He was, but he read in the paper that
Leslie was going back on the stage again...
...and it nearly drove him crazy.
- Where is he?
- Still trying to see her.
Don't tell me he's going
to sing that again.
You know he's repeating his first concert.
He hasn't had time to learn anything new.
He'll never learn anything new
if you don't stop...
...showing him off like a prize bull
at a county fair.
Hello, is Mr. Zabione in yet?
Oh, dear.
And why wasn't the car
at the station to meet me?
Oh, I'm sorry, darling,
I had to send him to Stanford
for the piano tuner. I meant to go...
That's the last straw! Am I married to
a woman or a wild-eyed impresario?
I'm fed up to here with Carlos
and charity concerts.
Charity begins at home,
and so does a wife.
I'm sick of having this place overrun by
piano tuners, and throat doctors and sprays.
I want my chauffeur at the station,
my valet pressing my tails, not his.
He smokes my cigars, he drinks
my oldest wines.
He wears my clothes.
Why, I can't even take a shower...
...without hearing that platinum canary
coughing up cadenzas.
Hello, is Mr. Zabione back yet?
Well, what did you think
of the show?
Carlos seems to have repeated
his phenomenal success.
Is... Enid pleased?
I don't know, I haven't seen her.
There she is, passing our singer around
like a platter of hors d'oeuvres.
Excuse me.
I want you te meet Mr. Bardez.
You'll say good night to Enid
for me, won't you?
I think I'll go too.
You drop me off at the house.
You can't leave yet, the party
has only got started.
- Oughtn't you to stay and help Enid?
- She doesn't need any help.
You can drop me off and I'll
leave my car for her.
All right, but I think you're making
a familiar mistake.
Never mind that, let's go.
Go right to bed, don't wait up.
Remember what happened to me.
- Don't worry, Father, good night.
- Good night, son.
All right, Joe, back up
and wait under that tree.
You'd better make yourself comfortable.
We may be here for some time.
This is the 12:55 edition of local
and worldwide news,
brought to you each night at this time
by the Jackson Furniture Company.
You are listening to the
Milkman's Serenade, folks.
It is now 2:15 a.m. and at this
time we bring you...
Wake up. It won't be long now.
Pull up in front of the house.
Come on, Junior, get in.
What took you so long?
Let's go, Joe.
Come in.
Mr. Osborne's on the telephone
again, madam.
- I told you to say I'm not at home.
- Yes, madam.
Mr. Bardez is asking if he may
see you for a few minutes.
All right, send him in.
What's the matter? Are you feeling
a little unhealthy today?
I feel rotten, simply rotten.
I'm so sorry.
Excuse me, Mr. Fowler is calling
for Mr. Bardez.
- You can take it in here, Carlos.
- Mr. Fowler?
Hello, Mr. Fowler?
Oh, the manager Mr. Fowler.
Concert tour? Sixty-five cities?
Sure I could!
Sure I do!
Hold on to the wire a minute, please.
Enid, what do you think?
I'm a wonderful success.
The manager Mr. Fowler is sending
me on tour to 65 cities.
Oh, Carlos, that's marvelous.
You'll be rich.
You'll be famous.
I'll be rich! I'll be famous!
I'll be right away in your office.
Very well, be in my office at 4:30.
That's right, goodbye.
Mr. Bardez has no reputation.
I'm afraid there won't be much interest.
This will cost you both a lot of money.
We don't care what it costs.
If the people won't pay to hear
him sing, give the tickets away.
Just get him out of town
and keep him out.
I will. He'll give his first concert
next week in... New Haven.
Couldn't you make it New Zealand?
The doctor will see you now,
Mrs. Howard.
Well, listen to this!
The Frederic Osbornes Senior,
Leslie Collier in parentheses,
are expecting an heir in October.
Now you know. You don't have
to wait for the doctor to tell you.
I'd better wait. You can't believe
everything you read in the paper.
Leslie! Aunt Julie!
What are you doing here?
- Are you...
- Yes.
- But what are you doing here?
- She didn't come to have her teeth filled.
Have... you seen your Frederic?
- No.
- My Frederic left me too.
He did? Because of Carlos?
Boy, that Carlos is a killer-diller.
Believe me, Leslie, I only
wanted to help.
I had no romantic ideas about him.
Neither did I.
I did, but you wouldn't let me
get my hands on him.
- Did the doctor say it was sure?
- Yes, sure.
- What about you?
- She'll tell you in a minute.
If the doctor says positively, we'll go
back to the hotel and split a quart of milk.
Isn't it exciting? Just imagine Mr. Osborne
being a father again after all these years.
Maybe it'll be a little brother
for Frederic Junior.
Here they come.
We must congratulate him.
I tried to get her on the phone
for the last time.
Believe me, I wish I was sailing on that
ship instead of launching it.
Me too. Enid was out twelve times
yesterday. I'm not going to call her again.
Isn't it exciting?
Isn't it wonderful?
Frankly not, I find it all
a little boring.
Why, it should be the happiest
day of your life.
- Why?
- You are not thrilled?
I had nothing to do with it.
Are you ready, captain?
Yes, chief. We took the liberty
of changing the name of the ship.
We've given her a new one.
- The third?
- Yes, chief, in honor of your future heir.
- Whose future heir?
- Why, yours of course.
The whole world knows about it.
Here it is in the paper, look.
Why doesn't someone tell me
these things?
Father, where are you going?
I'm going to have a baby!
In there.
Now bring the wool over...
...and push the stitch off the needle.
Right in...
...and off.
Wouldn't it be easier just
to buy them?
No, little mothers are always
supposed to be knitting little things.
And doggone it, I'm going to do it.
In... over...
- My darling!
- Freddie dearest.
Leslie, my lovely Leslie's going
to be a mother.
A mother, humph. That's only half.
She's also going to be a grandmother.
Enid, darling.
Oh, my sweet.
Oh, wait a minute!
Leslie Collier a grandmother?
You can't do this to me!
I won't have it!
I won't be a grandmother!
Now, now, just tend to your
knitting, Mrs. Osborne.
I'll go.
Yes, you'll be a grandfather.
The killer.
I just stopped in to say goodbye.
I'm going on a concert tour.
And I want to thank you
for everything.
I've never known such kind people.
You're all so loving...
and you've brought so much happiness
and peace into my life that...
Well, I hope I brought as much happiness
and peace into your lives too.
You can say that again, brother.
Should I say it again?
That's terribly nice, Carlos.
Won't you come in?
Oh, no you don't. There are too many
people in the room already.
I'll handle this. This time the bases
are empty and Aunt Julie is up at bat.
I may strike out before we get to the
elevator but don't wait up for me, folks.