Father's Day (2011) Movie Script

NARRATOR: A ruthless
killer is on the loose
In "Father's Day," a
deadly tale of revenge.
Coming up next on the Atron-6,
your Channel 6 super station.
[Music playing]
[Music playing]
[Blood squelching]
[Heavy breathing]
[Door bangs]
[Heavy footsteps]
[Erratic breathing]
[Suspenseful music]
[Music continues]
[Car engine revs]
Happy Father's Day.
[Heavy metal playing]
Get the hell up.
Hey, Twink.
Oh, fuck me.
Did you miss me?
Yeah, I guess so.
you just here 48 hours ago?
And you're, uh, back.
And guess what?
Another fat old man dead.
TWINK: Yeah.
Yeah but this time...
It's your old man.
I didn't kill my
fucking dad man.
When was the last time
you saw your father alive.
The last time that
I talked to my dad
Is when he picked me up
from here yesterday morning.
Man, you know that.
You saw him.
You know this is the
third time this month
I've had to do this for you.
The third time this month.
TWINK: I didn't do...
You didn't do anything?
What are you talking about?
You're found in a motel
room with a dead man.
He's covered in blood.
He's been buggered up
the ass until he's...
TWINK: Listen to me.
- Yeah, yeah.
You didn't do anything.
Well, I've made an
appointment for you
With Father Sullivan
at Saint Augustine.
He's young.
Maybe he'll be able
to relate to you.
I don't know why you
think I did whatever it
Is that you think that I did!
Son, I experimented
when I was young, too.
But this is serious.
A dead man in a motel room?
I mean, Andrew,
what is going on?
Or is it Twink now?
Is that it?
Please, just let me talk to you.
(ANGRILY) I can't
cover for you anymore.
I just... I can't.
TWINK: Well, if Mom was
here she would have.
Well, if your mother was
here, what would she have done?
I don't know.
More than you ever did.
The smartest thing your mother
ever did was get away from you.
Listen, Andrew I'm sorry.
You don't know anything.
(YELLING)You don't
know anything!
Don't pretend that
you do because you
Don't know anything about me.
You don't know
anything about me!
Fuck you!
Damn it.
a second, wait a second.
He dropped you off at work?
TWINK: Yeah, I went
to work for the day.
On the street corner?
At a pizza... I work at
a pizza and pop shop.
WALNUT: 16 years old,
skin like butter,
Eyes as blue as
daddy's Corvette.
He'll suck your dick
till your nose bleeds.
What do you say?
How much?
You are beautiful,
you know that?
You're trying to rob me?
[Pipe clangs]
Piece of shit!
Fucking pervert!
That kid's 16.
They're going to lock
you up for that shit.
Please, I have a wife and kids.
Is that so?
You know how many
dads go missing
Around here motherfucker?
[Beating continues]
TWINK: Walnut.
Walnut, that's enough!
Fucking faggot!
Fucking asshole, man!
How much did you get?
From his wallet.
Uh, shit.
After all I've
done for you, huh?
Who killed your father then?
You won't believe
me if I tell you.
TWINK: He must have left
the door unlocked for me.
He always does.
Maureen, where
have we gone wrong?
[Music playing faintly]
[Door creaks]
[Speaking incoherently]
What are you doing!
[Breathing heavily]
[Door slams]
Wha... what are you...
What are you... no!
[Muffled screams]
[Dad screaming]
We have a warrant
out for a Santa
Clause and an Easter Bunny.
Are you fucking serious?
Can you describe this for me?
Are you going to make fun of
me or can I actually do it?
I think we're on two
different levels.
I'm going to let you go.
I'm going to let you go.
Because this is going no where.
So, uh, get the fuck out.
Let's go.
Get the fuck out.
Get the fuck out of here
before I change my mind.
TWINK: All right!
But sweetheart, don't go far.
Because I'm going to
keep my eye on your ass.
OFFICER: Father John Sullivan?
Yes, thank you, officer.
I can take it from here.
Hello, Andrew.
I'm Father John Sullivan.
And I know you've had a rough go
lately what with your father...
My dad called me Andrew.
It's Twink.
a difficult one, eh?
Well, Father John
does love a challenge.
Maybe we got off
on the wrong foot.
Just think of me
as a big brother.
Big brother Father
John Sullivan.
Have you seen your dad burn
to death in front of you?
But I've read several grizzly
accounts of the crucifixion,
And it's very disturbing stuff.
Stay the fuck away
from me Jesus freak.
A gift.
This is progress.
Thank you.
It was in my dad's mouth
when he burned to death.
Did you speak to the boy?
I did briefly.
But he didn't seem
interested in the help
The Church was offering.
A child losing a father
is a terrible tragedy.
He gave me something.
I don't know what
significance it has.
A tie?
Does this have
some meaning to you?
It's him!
Who, Father?
The Fuchman.
The Fuchman is back.
There was a boy many
years ago much like we're
Trying to help this boy now.
His name was Ahab.
Many fathers were
killed at that time.
Not one was safe from the beast.
Then one day he
found Ahab's father.
I raised that boy as
I would raise me own.
He... he tried to
kill the Fuchman.
He left us a long time ago.
What is the Fuchman?
You must find this man Ahab!
You must find him!
I believe he's the only
one that can help us now.
Where can I find him?
He's far way.
Far, far away.
[Music playing]
[Door creaks]
[Fire crackling]
AHAB: In Native
American mythology
The wolf was known as
the night listener.
A completely blind species, but
with ears that could hear a pin
Drop anywhere in the forest.
I... I don't think
any of that's true.
Get out.
Are you Ahab?
Father O'Flynn sent me, and
I've traveled across the world
To speak to you.
Yeah, well, I would have been
all ears like my wolf brother
Over there, but
you embarrass me.
I'd like you to leave.
There's... there's been rapes.
Let me guess.
They're all dads.
So you know of the Fuchman
and the Father's Day killings?
AHAB: I know.
And I'll have no part of it!
You understand?
Father O'Flynn is ill.
It's his dying wish to see you.
Sorry, I'm tapping
this maple tree.
It's not a maple tree.
Well, what the hell have I
been making this syrup out of?
O'Flynn told me of your past.
I know you have your
share of demons.
I guess you're not the Ahab
O'Flynn was talking about.
[Music playing]
No, no, Ahab!
Stop it!
Stop it you ungrateful child!
AHAB: Padre.
Give me five minutes.
John, I want you to have this.
FATHER SULLIVAN: Oh, what is it?
AHAB: For the road.
But unfortunately I don't drink.
AHAB: It's maple syrup, John.
in that case... bottoms up.
AHAB: You're a weird guy, John.
gotten worse since you left.
More fathers raped and murdered.
The time has come for
you to finish what
You started as a young man.
I hurt a lot of people
in my life, Father.
I don't want to hurt anymore.
The Lord forgives you my son.
The Lord might
forgive me, but...
John will take you to the scene
of the most recent tragedy.
Be careful, my son.
I fear the Fuchman has...
AHAB: Don't worry
about me, Father.
You just work on
getting better, OK?
You heard the man, Padre.
[Music playing]
What took you so long?
How long's it been, Ahab?
12 years?
Now, it's funny.
In the time you've
been off the streets
We haven't had one
father raped, molested,
Tongue kissed, or otherwise.
I'm only here to help, Stegel.
Yeah, if memory serves
me correctly... fathers
Have a way of turning
up raped and killed
When you try to help.
Are you going to help me like
you helped old Bill Cummings?
You bastard.
I swear to God, Ahab, I
will take you down so hard
Your grandkids will feel it.
And if it were up to me, you'll
speak in bird-dog to the prison
Yards you cock-eyed fuck!
I want one reason, Ahab.
Now, come on!
What the hell is that?
Why don't you tell me?
Is Fuchman some kind
of satanist now?
Now you listen to me
you son of a bitch!
You and I both
know Chris Fuchman
Has been dead for 30 years.
Father's Day Killer, Cannibalman
Killer, Fat Boy Fucker,
Cannibal Cock Killer!
Now, those damn reporters can
give it any name they want,
But I got my eye on you and
that degenerate sister of yours.
Yeah, if your
dad's been involved,
I can count on her snooping
through my crime scene,
Disturbing evidence.
Entering an investigation is
an indictable offence, Ahab.
So you tell her I
said hi, and maybe
She'll listen when you suggest
she stick to what she knows.
Eh, turning tricks
with the Low Life club.
[Laughs mockingly]
Yeah, they always return
to the scene of the crime.
[Music playing]
DJ: Nipples and dollars,
you'll be on stage two.
Nipples and dollars
for stage two, please.
What can I get you?
I'm looking for a girl.
Maybe you can help me.
In the back.
I said in the back.
Talk to a manager.
DJ: Gentlemen, pull
out those big rolls.
The ladies want
to see your wads,
And you got to
hold them up high.
Get ready to shower the
stage with dollar bills.
[Woman speaking indistinctly]
not a crime if you tell
Somebody about it beforehand.
Shut the fuck up!
It's Sleazy Mary.
And what's it to...
Well, well, well.
It's been a long time, Mary.
It's been a long time.
Listen, I know you
don't owe me any favors.
And I don't expect you
to cut me any slack,
Especially after
the way I left you.
There was something
I needed to do.
And you're going to
have to learn to accept
It and move on, honey.
That was easier than I expected.
Listen, I'm going to need
a favor from you, Sleazy.
It's my sister.
I know she works
here, and I want
To get her out of this dive.
She's in a lot of trouble, Mary.
I was just hoping
you could help me
Get her out of this shit hole
before her life goes down
The drain like yours did
and she looks 30 years older
Than she is dealing with the
business end of a coat hanger
[Rock music playing]
DJ: As the clock strikes
midnight in the Low Life,
A wildcat with a taste for
meat slinks on to the stage.
Gentlemen, would you make some
noise for the foxiest bitch
In the city, the Luscious Lynx.
[Rock music playing]
Hey, what's up?
What's up, man?
Can I help you?
Where's Chelsea?
Who the fuck wants to know?
You know this guy?
Yeah, he's my brother.
You never told me
you had a brother.
No one tells me shit.
How did you get in here?
Your doorman took a break?
STRIPPER: Oh, my God, Arty!
You got shot again?
Shot in the neck again.
You're all grown up.
Imagine that!
I grew up without you.
I was a mess.
I just wanted more
for you than this.
I'm sorry, Ahab.
What did you expect?
I was a little girl.
Yeah, well, I had
nothing to do with that.
They split us up after
mom and dad died so...
Do you have any
idea what it was
Like growing up in that
orphanage with the nuns?
I prayed every night that
you would come and find me,
But you never did!
I wrote you letters.
I guess it turns out my brother
only cares about himself.
So why don't you fuck off.
That's what you're best at.
Chelsea, I agree I might
have been a bad brother,
But I don't want you
putting your life
On the line over
some stupid vendetta
For the Father's Day killer.
Why not?
You did.
Well, I'm not my little sister.
And look where it got me.
You did this to yourself.
I'm not some fucking cowboy
running around shooting
At anything that moves.
I've done my homework.
And I'm going to finish
what you couldn't.
Get out.
Well, I'm sorry.
[Music plays in distance]
(SINGING): Come home.
Come home.
If you love me will you come...
Take me to the airport, John.
Take me to the airport, John.
Ahab, she's just upset.
Give her some time.
I spent years living
in that forest, John.
Come the spring thaw I'd
tap those maple trees.
And I collected that sap.
And I boiled it down.
And I watched those
sugars caramelize.
I made some of the sweetest
syrups you can imagine, John.
But John, you let those syrups
sit, and they start to ferment.
And it loses all its goodness.
So Chelsea is like the
syrup that sat too long.
Why would you say that to me?
I'm sorry.
I misunderstood, brother.
So you are like
the wise old tree?
I'm like a tree?
That's a really mean thing
to say to somebody, John.
[Chuckles nervously]
[Shutter clicks]
TWINK: Chelsea.
CHELSEA: Twink, you
scared the shit out of me.
What's he doing here?
Nice to see you, too, bitch.
He killed my dad.
And I know... I know he's coming
for me because of what I saw.
Come on, sweetheart, you're
coming home with me tonight.
I just want my
dad back, Chelsea.
I know, Twink.
I know.
Come on, let's go.
WALNUT: I'm not invited?
[Shutter clicks]
I don't know what these fuckers
are up to, but I don't like it.
You said it, boss.
Answer to your boot, cockshit.
I'm sorry.
Can we get back to work?
I would love to.
I meant there's syrup in my
cabin fermenting as we speak.
I thought it was a metaphor.
I thought you were
saying that Chelsea was
Like the good pure syrup
that had started to ferment,
And that you yourself
had soured with old age.
And look, I thought that
in your own spiritual way
You were trying to say that
you didn't want her to make
The same mistakes that you did.
I love you goddammit.
Oh, shoot.
I'm not even
supposed to say that.
I'm going to be doing Hail
Mary's until the freaking
Cows come home.
Gosh darn it.
Gosh darn it.
I'm like a tree, I said that?
Yes, in a way.
I'm taking you to the airport.
No, John.
Please, take me to my hotel.
I've got a lot of
thinking to do.
But John, one thing.
You don't call a man a tree.
I know.
I know.
CHELSEA: Make yourself
at home, Twink.
I've got to wash
that place off me.
Do you want any
help with that, baby?
What is wrong with you?
All right, sorry.
Don't get your fucking
titties in a twist, babe.
Don't forget whose
house you're in, Walnut.
And don't talk to me like
I'm one of those cunts
On the corner of 42nd.
Or I swear to God I will turn
your cock into kue basah.
Jesus Christ, you'd think
I'd got you pregnant.
Shut up.
You got somebody pregnant?
You sound like
that clit Lauren.
What about Lauren?
You popped my balls, bitch.
What about Lauren?
What are you talking
about, Walnut?
She calls me up, tells
me she's pregnant,
She's going to have a kid.
I don't want a fucking kid.
Look at me.
Oh, my God.
Hey, uh, mind if I
smoke this in here?
Yeah, actually I do mind.
Oh, no, not again.
CHELSEA: Don't worry,
Twink, I've got
A flashlight in the kitchen.
WALNUT: I'm right here, man.
Chill out.
What kind of fucking
dump did you bring me to?
TWINK: Did you really
get that girl pregnant?
CHELSEA: I got it!
[Erratic breathing]
Chelsea, it's Ahab.
[Glass shatters]
TWINK: Ahab?
A fish bowl to the
head, are you kidding me?
I'm sorry.
You look like Fuchman.
That son of a bitch
killed my best friend
Right here in front of me.
So this here is...
Was his friend Walnut.
Chelsea, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.
Chris Fuchman in your apartment.
You could have been killed.
Those eyes, you know?
Those eyes.
I had him, Ahab.
I shot him right there.
He escaped through
the kitchen window.
Why didn't he kill you?
Chelsea, if anything
were to happen to you,
I don't what I'd do with myself.
Why don't you just get out
of the city for a few days.
I'm going after Fuchman alone.
I'm coming with you.
That fuck is going down.
Who is this kid again?
Who is the one that
does all the research?
Who picks up the bread crumbs
that those stupid cops leave
So don't make this some
bullshit boys' club.
Chelsea, I have nothing left.
You're the only person.
[knocking at door]
It's the police.
What do we do?
I have a plan.
I'll get you guys out of here,
and I'll deal with Stegel.
But you have to
take me with you.
Take me with you, or
you talk to Stegel
And explain to him why you're
here drenched in the blood
Of a street-ho mother fucker.
Meet me a the Low
Life in an hour.
Detective Stegel.
What a pleasant surprise.
Has there been a
break in the case?
Who are you
talking to in there?
Just some friends.
I'm sorry.
I didn't realize.
Don't worry.
They were just leaving.
See you girls later.
Now... what can I do for you?
Ah, that was close one.
I just hope Chelsea's all right.
That girl can take
care of herself.
The Low Life's that way, man.
We're not going
to the Low Life.
[Music playing]
Is someone there?
John, is that you?
After all these years
you've come for me.
My boy has returned.
Do to me as you wish.
Nothing will stop
the inevitable.
[Air whooshing]
The Fuchman.
I miss you, Dad.
I wanted to do good by
you, but I let you down.
I'm sorry.
It won't happen again.
What's this?
I got that much.
Dig why?
Oh, gross.
Gross, gross, gross gross.
I guess you're pretty sad
your dad's not in there, huh?
[Music playing]
Ahab, you piece of shit.
As I'm sure all
of you have heard,
Father O'Flynn was taken
from us late last night.
First off, I would like to thank
all of you for your kind words
This morning.
In our time of grief, let
us not forget Romans 14:7.
For none of us
liveth to himself,
No man dieth to himself.
Let's talk about that white
elephant in the room today.
Like so many others,
Father O'Flynn was taken
From us much, much too early.
I know many of you are asking,
wasn't he like 100 years old?
Honestly, I don't know.
The poor man could only
enjoy boiled water.
Nevertheless, that didn't
change the importance that he
Held in all of our lives.
My life.
My life.
God has mercifully
ensured that our suffering
Diminishes with time.
But where, my brother and
sisters may I ask you,
Is God right now?
Where is God, huh?
Is he under this podium?
Oh, hello, God?
A beautiful,
defenseless, impossibly
Old man is viciously
murdered and God
Does nothing to stop it.
Oh, look at me.
I'm God.
I sit on my fat ass!
I don't hear anything.
No lightening.
No storms.
Not a raindrop.
And I just ripped him, I
just ripped him a new one.
And I find myself asking,
what would Jesus do?
Where is he?
Rose from the dead, didn't he?
Moved a great big
rock and all that.
Is he himself going
to punish the wicked?
Fuck no.
So I'm going to do it for him.
Let's tear this place apart!
[Music playing]
the Fuchmanicus.
Hail the Fuchmanicus.
Hail the Fuchmanicus.
Hail the Fuchmanicus.
Hail the Fuchmanicus.
Hail the Fuchmanicus.
Hail the Fuchmanicus.
Hail the Fuchmanicus.
Hail the Fuchmanicus.
Hail the Fuchmanicus.
Hail the Fuchmanicus.
Hail the Fuchmanicus.
TWINK: Oh, Christ.
Not quite but close.
Close to Christ.
What brings you here, Padre?
I had to find you to
tell you that Father
O'Flynn was killed last night.
TWINK: Christ, Ahab.
Let's go get this guy.
That's right, Ahab.
You must kill the Fuchman.
I wish to help you.
Look, man, I'm sorry
about your buddy.
I am.
But this just isn't for you.
[Music playing]
That's the rest of it.
Now we end this tonight.
Well, where to?
We should have thought
this out better.
Back to the Low Life.
More naked women, exactly
what I want to see.
I've never seen one.
My door is locked.
My door is locked.
My door is locked.
Can't you read
the fucking sign?
Employees only.
[Music playing]
[Chainsaw whirs]
I'm going to turn you into a
pinata, mashed potato hand.
[Chainsaw revs]
[Music playing faintly]
Is he still here?
I'm so cold.
I'm so cold.
AHAB: God damn it.
What happened to my sister?
Hold me.
Mary, my sister.
What did you do with her?
Kiss me and I'll tell
you what happened to her.
You fucking hurt me.
Kiss me and I will tell you
what happened to Chelsea.
Now, where is she?
You didn't even touch.
Yeah, well, you just... I did.
You just probably didn't feel
it because of your dying.
(COUGHING) He took her in
a white truck, heading east.
AHAB: Thanks, Mary.
Take Chelsea's scrapbook.
She has everything
on that bastard.
Hey, is that some
of Ahab's syrup?
Oh, yes.
Uh, Ahab gave it to me.
Bastard always loved that
syrup more than he loved me.
Did you ever take us seriously?
Are you going to
answer her or...
I would but she's already gone.
[Music playing]
How do you know
he'll be on this road?
Is there any other way out here?
I know he's out here.
I know it.
I can smell him.
Can't you smell him, Ahab?
I don't know.
I can smell something I think.
TWINK: Shut up.
It's him!
How do you know?
Shot in the dark.
Roll up to Chelsea's window.
this is so dangerous.
TWINK: I got her!
I didn't get her.
AHAB: Get me on that truck.
Go, man!
It's dead.
Come on!
God damn fucking thing sucks.
You're hurt.
No, I'm fine.
[All yelling]
It's out.
We just got to get
this thing running.
Is he dead?
We have to get him out of here.
This is isn't safe, man.
What about the GD jeep?
I think we can fix it.
I think we can fix it.
[Humming softly]
I should've killed him
when I had the chance.
Ahab, you can't blame yourself.
No, not now.
I mean, when I was a little kid.
Chris Fuchman killed my
dad right in front of me.
And I tried to stop him but...
FUCHMAN: You taste like pussy.
I hate pussy.
[Erratic breathing]
were just a child then.
YOUNG AHAB: Please don't!
AHAB: I swore that I would find
the man that killed my dad.
I would make him pay.
SENSEI: Your thirst
for revenge is strong,
But your pain makes you weak.
AHAB: It's all I
could think about.
But it seemed the closer I got,
the further away he actually
Till one night I had him.
Happy Father's Day.
But he tricked me.
It wasn't Chris Fuchman at all.
The cops were there
in a heartbeat.
We got you, Ahab.
Your father fucking
days are over.
The jury didn't look
too kindly on a vigilante
Killing an innocent man.
They gave me 10 years.
That's 10 years to
think about how I took
Some dad away from some kid.
When I got out, I just
wanted to disappear.
[Clears throat]
Why did you come back?
It was time.
It was time.
Is he OK?
I don't know.
It doesn't look good.
I've done all I can.
What are we going to do?
I've got to keep
this fire going
Or he'll freeze
to death out here.
I'm hungry.
I wish we had something to eat.
Well, I found these
berries in Ahab's jacket.
I know we don't get along.
But if he... you know...
You have to promise me
We'll finish this for Ahab.
For your father.
These things taste like shit.
We must be thankful
for what we have.
I just hope Chelsea's OK.
[Music playing]
[Erratic breathing]
I swear to God if you come
near me with that thing,
I'll bite it off!
[Heavy breathing]
I'm not a dad!
TWINK: You don't know me!
You don't know me!
FATHER SULLIVAN: What was that?
You don't know me, boy!
Eye boy.
Do you think we have something?
Did you hear that?
I think he's going to be fine.
What was that?
I got you some stuffs.
I don't want to watch it.
I don't want to watch
it, but I can't stop.
I can't stop watching it.
I don't want to
look at it anymore.
I don't want to
look at it anymore.
No more.
No more berries.
I think he's under
that eye patch.
I'm going to go
track down a stick,
Find out what's under
that GD eye patch.
Jesus, is that you?
You're dust, eye patch.
Baby, I think I'm pregnant.
I have no choice.
He will come for me.
I feel pregnant, too.
What's wrong with you?
This isn't my coat.
find your coat, find me Ahab.
AHAB: Find my what?
[Music playing]
Save me, Ahab!
AHAB: Where are you going?
If you want to get out
just look at your hand.
AHAB: Chelsea, come back!
Just go to sleep.
It's for the best, OK?
These aren't my hands!
I lost everything.
No, no, no!
You're OK.
I'm fine, John.
Someone must have fed me
some of my tasty berries.
Come on.
to Chelsea's scrapbook,
Fuchman's hiding out at
some abandoned water slides
By the old condemned dam.
Yeah, it went out of
business after a couple
Dads went missing.
And that place is
hundreds of miles away.
We're never going to
make it there on foot.
Me agrees.
Not with that
attitude we won't.
TWINK: Well, he agrees.
NARRATOR: Astron-6's late night
movie will return in a moment.
Coming up at 3:00.
In the year 1999, the
university is at war.
And it's up to
Captain Blake Star
To save it in "Star Raiders"
I knew you would
save me, Blake Star.
[Music playing]
NARRATOR: "Star Raiders"
on the Astron-6.
Your Channel 6 super station.
We now return to "Father's Day."
FATHER SULLIVAN: Water slides.
There's nothing sacred
to this monster.
TWINK: I used to piss on these
slides, so joke's on him.
AHAB: This is it.
All right, Padre, if
it comes down to it,
You're going to be our bait.
AHAB: You're the closest
thing to a father we've got.
TWINK: He's right.
got to be kidding me.
AHAB: This ain't no
time for jokes, Padre.
If we find that GD thing,
we've got to take it down fast.
And if that means you run
a little interference,
Well, that's just the
way it's got to be.
[Groaning in distance]
Oh, shit.
This is it, isn't it?
God, I'm going to die down here.
Oh, fuck me.
My Father, who art in
heaven, hallowed be thy Name,
Thy kingdom come,
thy will be done,
On Earth as it is in Heaven.
It's locked.
I have an idea.
That didn't work.
Twink, look for a key.
What's it look like?
Like a freaking key, Twink.
Look for a key.
Look at that.
That's disgusting.
what's in his mouth.
God, it's in his mouth.
He's got a key in his mouth.
Twink, get the key
out of his mouth.
I don't want to get the
key out of his mouth.
You're right.
Padre, get the key
out of his mouth.
Why do I have to do it?
Because you do whatever
we tell you to do.
TWINK: I would do
it, if I was you.
Hell, I'd loved to
be you for a day.
Get to do cool stuff
like this every day.
Are you kidding me?
Come on.
TWINK: Get the heck down there.
Dude, I would love to.
Who cares?
TWINK: Yeah.
I'd kill to have a fun day
like you have every GD day.
Oh, I got it.
I got it.
Oh, freaking in my face.
Is that funny?
It's not bad at all.
There's a pulse.
[Music playing]
There he is!
Oh, what do we do?
He shot me in the fucking hand!
Did you guys see that?
Oh, fuck.
We saw it.
You shot Twink.
I'm sorry, Twink!
You didn't get in on that!
That was awesome, man!
That was fucking crazy.
I know, right?
Let's go finish him off!
[Soft music playing]
The church is
willing to overlook
Your recent conduct,
Father John,
Providing that it
never happens again.
You'll be moving into
Father O'Flynn's quarters.
See to it that all his positions
are charitably distributed.
But Father, I have a service.
For the foreseeable future,
I'll be conducting the service.
I want you to focus on penance.
No more...
But Father...
Are we clear?
Yes, Father.
Yes, Father.
You know, you're going to
have to pay for that wall.
[Music continues]
Well, you're definitely gay.
[Suspenseful music]
[Phone ringing]
Ahab, it's John.
You must listen to me this.
John, what are you
doing on the phone?
[Knocking at door]
I must warn you that...
Just a sec, hang on.
I think there's a
friend at the door.
[Knocking continues]
Ahab, don't answer the door!
AHAB: Chelsea, you're awake!
And you read this
all in some book.
some book, an ancient tome.
A tome.
Oh, toma.
Father O'Flynn was researching
it before he went blind.
It calls the Fuchman by name.
It sounds like a
real best seller.
It says that the Fuchman
appears each generation,
Raping and killing fathers until
the host body is extinguished.
It says that he that
sees but one path
Shall stand in the way
of the Fuchmanachis.
There's no time to explain.
TWINK: Whoa!
I love this new John!
Ahab, I never got a chance
to thank you for saving me.
You're welcome.
You're my sister, Chelsea.
I'm just... you were saying you...
It's not that I'm not attracted
To you or anything like that.
It's just that...
Like last time I
See you you're this little kid,
and I go away for 10 years.
I mean, I heard you were in
that orphanage and those nuns.
And I... button fly actually.
I was going to do
something about that.
When I come back and... a
beautiful, mature woman.
[Music playing]
Fuck me, Ahab!
Fuck me, Ahab!
AHAB: Uh, oh, OK.
Uh, hold on.
Chelsea, what the fuck?
the Fuchmanicus.
Hail the Fuchmanicus.
I'm going to stop.
I don't...
the Fuchmanicus.
Hail the Fuchmanicus.
Hail the Fuchmanicus.
Hail the Fuchmanicus.
the Fuchmanicus.
Hail the Fuchmanicus.
Hail the Fuchmanicus.
Hail the Fuchmanicus.
TWINK: Stop!
Stop, stop, stop!
Stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop stop!
Stop it!
STEGEL: Mark, don't leave me.
Don't leave me, beautiful Mark.
That's right, Ahab.
Go on.
My people have been
guarding the Fuchmanicus
For generations.
You were never more than
a thorn in our side.
AHAB: You set me up.
Bill Cummings, eh?
Not tonight.
Happy Father's Day.
That's 10 years.
10 years of my life wasted.
We had to keep you around
to fulfill your destiny.
Well, I did.
I killed the Fuchman.
Ahab, you fool.
You played right into my hands.
With your seed I will birth
the most powerful Fuchman yet!
Oh, glory to the Fuchman.
Happy Father's Day, Ahab.
So seriously, though, what?
The Fuchman wanted
us to kill him, Ahab.
Don't you understand?
We were pawns.
We were used.
It's all here in
Father O'Flynn's book.
So I need you to be
brutally honest with me
When you tell me exactly
what you and Chelsea we're
Doing here tonight.
AHAB: Fuck all!
I don't know.
Hung out, talked, watched
a bit of a... it doesn't
Even... the point is she
didn't try to kill me
Or anything like that.
She wouldn't try and kill you.
She would try and
have sex with you.
So let's get real here, Ahab.
Real talk time.
The Fuchmanicus
could use your seed
To rebirth himself
for another generation
Stronger than ever before.
And this whole thing would
start all over again.
Now, if you just enjoyed
a platonic evening
With your possessed sister,
doing pleasant things,
Then we'll call it a day.
AHAB: So I... I might have...
I might have... I might have
Fooled around with
her a little bit
Last night when I was drunk.
God, dude, your sister!
AHAB: I didn't want
to or anything.
I was freaking
blackout drunk, man.
I don't remember a GD thing.
Jesus, Ahab, you didn't.
Fuck you guys if you say
you wouldn't do the same.
If you had... you've seen her!
With your sister.
It was Fuchman all along, see?
And it... some kind of mind
grip on me is what it is.
A fucking telekinetic
psychic mind gap.
That's why I don't
remember anything, Twink.
That's very weird.
I don't remember
reading anything
About that in the book.
AHAB: That is weird.
It's probably in
there somewhere.
Uh, just read between
the lines or something.
I suppose it is open
to interpretation.
Yes, it is.
And, uh, we could
go get an abortion.
Put this whole thing behind us.
Never speak of it again.
Ahab, he has her.
AHAB: Fuchman?
AHAB: And he's...
In hell.
Change of subject.
Can we go feed my
cats real quick?
I will give you gas
money if I have...
TWINK: Are we sure about this?
this is the only way
Then this is the only way.
I was actually going to kill
myself anyway so... two birds.
The Fuchmanicus demon
is going to be much
Stronger than Chris Fuchman.
It's going to take all three
of our strengths combined to...
All right, all
right, all right.
Let's just do this
right now, OK?
So how... how do we do this?
Is it just like one at a time?
Or, uh, do we...
Yeah, one at a time.
We just do it.
I think all at once
would be better.
One gun.
We have one gun.
Well, what if one
of us screws up?
What do you mean what
if one of us screws up?
You're going to fag out.
I'm not going to fag out, fag.
Fag out.
I'm not going to.
I'll kill you both right now.
Look, I just don't think
guns is the way to go.
You got a better idea?
Uh, pills, razor
blades, condoms.
I can kill myself
with a condom.
I saw a guy choke to death...
Did it work?
I don't know.
He had the prettiest... he
looks like he's an owl.
Do you want to go next?
[Rock music playing]
JACKET: Ahab, you
were made for me.
Jacket, there you are.
[Music continues]
That's five out of eight.
Jesus Christ.
I lost.
[Screaming in distance]
So this is hell, huh?
It's not so bad.
What is taking Padre?
You must be Father
John Sullivan.
Where's Ahab and Twink?
No, no Ahabs on today's list,
but we do have Twinkies.
All the Twinkies you
could ever want for.
Is this hell?
Uh, H-E-double hockey
sticks you mean?
We don't use the H-word
word much around here.
Already forgiven.
This is heaven, my friend.
A place where all your
dreams come to fruition.
You can have anything
your heart desires,
But you can never leave.
I heard of hell freezing
over, but this is nuts.
Ahab, I say I heard of
hell freezing over...
Yeah, yeah.
I heard you.
Can I have one of
your gloves, man?
It's fucking...
It's so cold out here I can't
hear this stuff about gloves.
Andrew, there's something
I've been wanting
To say to you for a long time.
I am so sorry for
what happened to you.
Andrew, I wanted
to tell you... I
Wanted tell you that your
mother knew better than I
Did from the very beginning.
And that's why she
hanged herself.
Chris Fuchman did me the best
favor of my pathetic life,
Because I didn't have
to look at your face.
I didn't have to look
at the scum sucking
Homo that killed my wife.
Why are you saying this to me?
Are you going to cry now?
Cry for me.
Cry for me because I
didn't have the strength
To wrap that rope around my
neck and join your mother.
Cry for me because I
didn't have the balls
To smother you in your crib.
Cry for me because my
son makes his money
By giving blow jobs to old men.
[Music playing]
[Incoherent speech]
PRIEST: Do you,
Chelsea, take Chris
Fuchman for all of eternity?
Who are you?
Why are you here?
CHELSEA: What is that?
An erection?
You want to fuck
your own sister?
You're like the Indian in the
cupboard, you'd get lost in me.
Are you scared?
I was scared when
Fuchman took my soul.
Give me my coat!
Don't listen to him, Twink.
Everything will be OK.
Come with me and
everything will be fine.
TWINK: But...
Everything will be OK.
I've always loved you.
Ahab, help!
Get me out of here!
Get me out!
Get me out, please!
I thought I made myself clear.
Your soul belongs to
heaven for eternity.
I know.
I just... what the hell is that?
Nobody move or I
blow his head off!
You fool!
You have no idea what
you're meddling with!
Shut your face, faggot!
You're going to take
me to your boss,
And He's going to get
me the hell out of here.
Or I'm going to put
a bullet through you,
And I don't want to do that
because you seem very nice.
Well, then don't do
it, because it's true!
I know!
But I have to.
Everyone, do as he says.
Just do as he says.
Fucking do as I say.
Where's God?
His office is at
the end of this hall.
Is He one of these
chicks or something?
It's at the end of this
hall, I swear to Him.
What hall?
That hall!
I don't see shit!
It's... it's right there.
Just unfocus your eyes.
Don't let go, Twink!
Don't you let go!
Don't you let go, Twink!
Don't you let go, Twink!
NARRATOR: And hell
was quiet once again.
What's this?
I'm sorry, God.
Hey, I had no choice.
He's got a gun.
Ah, come on, Chad.
Have you never been
at gunpoint before?
Are you afraid of
a little pressure?
God, You've got to get
me out of here, Man.
I got a situation in hell and
I've got to take care of it.
Jesus Christ, grow up man.
Let's talk about
this like adults.
Chad, didn't you tell
him about the Twinkies?
I spent my whole
life worshipping You.
But I swear to God if you
don't show me to the exit,
I'll kill him.
And then I'll kill You.
He's fucking crazy.
He'll do it.
Ah, he won't do it.
Your move, Old Man.
You know this is bad
for business, right?
I think, uh, maybe, just
maybe we can get a Bible
And read it together.
Get a little high.
You know, talk it out.
Not so fast, God.
Get out quick, John!
They do horrible things up here!
Terrible things!
Get out!
Come with me, Father!
It's too late for me.
I find you're always
so overly dramatic.
This is all about
business, you know that.
Get out, John!
I love you!
All right, put up
your hands, God.
Where are You?
Where are You?
I'll blow Your brains out.
At least point the
gun in approximately
The right direction.
Who said that?
[Gate creaking]
Don't look into...
Look me in the eye
you fat piece of shit.
His eyes.
[Laughing evilly]
Hang back, Mark.
I've got this.
CHELSEA: Get the fuck
away from my brother
You fat father fucker!
I made it!
I made it!
Maybe now you'll
take me seriously.
Mary, you're alive.
Maybe now you'll
take me seriously.
Oh, it's a miracle.
[Baby crying]
AHAB: He's just a baby.
We did it.
We did.
We did it.
It's OK, baby.
It's OK.
Mama's here.
Sleazy's here.
MARY: You guys are siblings!
Is it really you?
It's me.
Ahab, I've missed you so much.
AHAB: I'm never going
to let you go again.
What the hell is happening?
Your soul is
returning to Earth.
Ahab, come with me!
AHAB: I'll find you!
I swear I'll find you!
Get an abortion!
I'm so sorry!
Hm, well done, fellas.
And I ain't talking
about the meat.
AHAB: Who is this guy?
It's the devil.
And he's an asshole.
No, it's God.
That's right.
That's right.
I own upstairs and downstairs.
You give the illusion
of competition then
It raises morale.
Kind of like the move business.
Who is this guy talking, John?
It's over devil.
We destroyed the demon.
Oh, yeah.
Good work.
The world is safe.
Congratulations again.
defeated you devil.
You showed me.
You lost!
Huh, nice guy.
How do we get out of here?
Hey, my coat!
Oh, my fucking keys
are in that thing.
Twink, get his keys.
AHAB: Fucking moron.
try the gun again.
AHAB: Yeah.
AHAB: Where are you going?
Fuck off.
(SOBBING) How do
we get out of here?
Maybe if we just hope really
hard, really, really hard.
Hope, hope.
Hope, hope, hope.
Hope, hope, hope, hope!
[Flies buzzing]
[Music playing]
NARRATOR: Coming up at 5:00,
life's a beach... a sexy beach
That is on the Astron-6.
Your channel 6 super station.