Finding Emily (2026) Movie Script

1
"Love is a state
of temporary psychosis."
Sigmund "Frued."
Ah, shit.
Freud.
Hey.
Gormless,
you watching the meter? Go on, tell him.
- Yeah, yeah, I know.
- Huh?
Hey, mate.
Mate, you got to watch
your levels.
- What?
- The levels! You got to watch your levels!
- Chill out, man.
- No, I won't chill out.
You got to do it.
- No, I won't.
- What do you mean, no?
No, mate. What are you doing?
Listen, get off the decks.
Yeah, listen, mate.
Just help me out.
I really need this job,
so please just turn it down a little?
- All right.
Thank you.
- Oh. Sorry.
- Hey!
Oh, don't mind her.
She likes to pee standing up.
Oh, yeah, woman's choice.
I mean, I like to pee
sitting down sometimes.
The queue
for the girls is a joke,
and Pervy Martin's got
a peephole in there.
I think I've got stage fright.
Frida Kahlo deserves
better than this.
Am I right?
You work here?
Not in here.
Uh, I'm a sound engineer,
so I guess I am staff.
Uh, do you want... uh, I'll
probably do that, actually.
What, do you have
a bottle opener?
No, but I don't want you
to hurt yourself, and I might
have something in my pocket
that might be able to do it.
Give us a go.
Here ya are.
Thanks.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Oh, nice straw.
Yeah, it's metal.
The turtles are shoving the
plastic ones up their noses.
- Massive cokeheads.
- Yeah. Do you want it?
It's three quid,
but you can have it.
Drink now, straw for life.
What, like balloon animals?
No, no, just tying the ends
off a balloon.
So many people struggle.
Yeah, no, my fingers
always get stuck.
And I'm supposed to be
really good with my fingers.
I wasn't saying it rudely.
I was just saying 'cause I used
to play guitar in a band, so...
Whoa! You're in a band!
Not anymore.
Like, you need money to live,
so now I work here.
But, look, best thing about it,
you get four free soft drinks
a night.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Don't go flashing those about.
Are you in a band, or is
your boyfriend in a band?
Yeah, he is, actually.
- Ah.
- Joking. I don't have a boyfriend.
What about your girlfriend?
Don't have a girlfriend.
Nah, yeah, I got a wife.
Right. Bye, then.
There you are.
Come on! We have to go!
Wait, wait. Hang on a minute.
Where you going?
It's our mate's birthday
at this bar on Canal Street.
- Come.
- I can't. I'm working.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What was your name?
- "Emily"!
- Emily, I'm Owen.
- Come on!
- Come on!
Oh, sorry, mate.
Wahoo! Are you hearing that?!
Let's have it, Manchester!
Wait, Emily!
Emily!
I just want to get your number.
Only if you want to, that is.
I mean, you don't have to,
but I just...
I'd really like
to get your number.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Come on!
You gonna memorize it?
I got a phone.
Come on! We're hours late!
- All right. Bye.
- Thanks. Bye.
Hang in there, Robert, mate.
- Oh!
- Oh! -
- Morning.
- Hey.
Frodo, you want to knock before barging in?
What, into the kitchen
and the living area?
No, don't think so.
You all right?
Mm, yeah.
Hey, um, Owen, look, uh...
- So, hey, look.
- What?
So, a delightful, young,
professional couple
from Marsden,
they want to come and view
the place this evening.
Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt!
- I don't want to hear that!
- What? Hey! Hey!
Owen, please, can you be in?
I got to work late.
Oh, I can't do that, Frey,
'cause I got to pray today.
So I can't do that. Sorry.
Can't. Too busy.
- Someone's in a good mood.
- Why? What happened?
Find a special little peephole
in the men's bog?
You know, some dude used one,
and then when he came out,
the guy on the other side
was his dad.
Mate, that's an urban myth.
It didn't happen.
Still denying it, are you?
What do you mean, deny it?
We've got the same dad.
That just makes no sense.
What is her name?
- Emily.
- I knew it.
And have you talked to this Emily?
Yeah, obviously
I've talked to her.
Hard luck, mate.
What do you mean, hard luck?
- She talked back, actually.
- Yeah?
Yeah, we danced
in the middle of the S.U.,
and it was like... looked at
each other and just... bam.
Felt like time
actually stood still.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, no, no.
- Oh, no, no. What are you saying no for?
- It-it was...
- No, please. Not again.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's different, it's different.
- It's different this time.
- Oh, what?
You gonna write a song about it?
So when are you
seeing her again?
Don't know.
Not messaged her yet.
- Why?
- Don't know.
It's the next morning.
- Why don't you do it now?
No, you haven't got the balls,
have you?
- I've got the balls.
- Do it now, then.
- I will.
- Go on, then.
- I will.
- Matt, what's the time?
The ti...
Oh, I don't know, love.
Think it's sort of, um...
I think it's sort of
standing still.
- Bless him.
- What do you mean, bless him?
Really funny.
Just-just keep it casual.
I know how to send
a text message.
I'm a pretty casual guy, you know.
I got some good stuff
going on here, like,
"I'm divorcing my wi..."
Doesn't matter.
- Um...
- What?
Won't send for some reason.
It's like... Try again.
Is the Wi-Fi working,
do you know? Or...
Matt, give me the phone back.
Matt, give the phone back.
- Matt. Matt.
- Matt, give me the phone back.
Matt, I'm not messing around.
Give me the phone back.
- Oh, hon, that is not her number.
- Get off me!
What do you mean,
it's not her number?
I saw her put it in.
It is her number, I swear.
- It's missing a digit.
- What do you mean,
- it's missing a digit?
- Oh, my God.
Matt!
Well, what am I
supposed to do now?
Stop laughing, please!
It's not funny!
- I'll find her.
- Oh, yes, it is funny.
- Oh, is it? Definitely? Ha!
- I'll find her!
- Surname?
- Don't know.
- Age?
- Don't know.
- Subject of study?
- Didn't ask that.
What did you talk about?
We didn't really have, like,
a proper conversation.
We were just dancing
and looking at each other.
It was dead nice.
- Matt, stop it!
- Stop that.
Come on, our kid. She's a
student at the uni you work at.
You're gonna see her again.
Yeah, well, that's a good point.
Good morning.
I'm wondering
if you can help me.
I'm looking for a student
that goes here.
- Which student?
- Uh, Emily?
Emily what?
Emily, please?
Oh, uh, I don't,
I don't know her last name.
Well, then I can't
help you, then.
Don't you have,
like, a directory
of all the students' names
or...?
- No.
- It's just, I really need your help, 'cause...
Yeah, I've got
something of hers.
That's-that's what it is.
I've got, uh, this.
This is hers.
Well, well, it was her dad's,
and, uh, there was this fire,
and it was really,
like, kind of...
Yeah, that-that's a lie.
- Do-do you want the truth?
- No, I don't.
I met her last night and
just really got on with her.
Her hair's about here,
and she drinks beer... bottled...
and she's funny, smart.
Have you ever met somebody
and, like, all that shit
you've got going on
in your mind just...
it doesn't matter anymore?
And, like, the light
at the end of your tunnel,
you're just, you're just
standing in this light,
and you're just like,
just like...
I don't know.
It's just, like...
Please, could you
just tell me, like,
what class she's in maybe or...
I feel like it might be
the most important thing
you ever do.
You've got two seconds to leave
before I call security,
all right?
Yeah, okay. All right.
- Okay, I'll leave you to it.
- Next.
- Uh, hey.
- Yeah?
- You forgot this.
- Uh, thanks, man. Cheers.
Uh, the only Emily I know
is Emily Raine.
It proper sounds like her.
Okay, yeah. Would you know
where I can find her?
- Is she, like...
- Oh, she takes psychology
in the social science building.
Okay. All right. Thanks, man.
Have a good day.
Right. Everyone,
I'm obligated to tell you
you have three weeks left.
Those who haven't started
your conclusions, do so now.
It's worth 25%
of your whole mark.
Those of you who...
- What?
- Hi.
Could I speak
to Emily Raine, please?
- Can this wait?
- Not really.
I-I have a really important
message from her father, so...
Ah.
Is there, is there,
by any chance, like,
another Emily Raine
in there or...?
You-you have
a message from my dad?
Uh-uh-uh...
Yeah, yeah, just, uh...
He's, uh...
he-he's run into, like,
a bit, a bit of
car trouble, and...
He's fine. He's fine.
Don't worry.
He just wanted me to, like,
let you know that
it's just... his car's...
- Right.
- Yeah.
Nothing about where he's been
for the last 21 years?
Whether I have brothers
or sisters? An apology?
Nah, just-just the,
just the car thing.
No.
Well, uh, I'm sorry.
Sorry, sorry.
Uh, I'm-I'm sorry.
He didn't call.
Typical him, huh?
Sorry, I'll, uh...
- I'll let you get back, um...
- What are, what are you doing?
Well, I'm looking for
this girl called Emily.
It's a specific Emily.
It's not you, obviously.
- I thought she was gonna be in there.
- Emily what?
I don't know.
I don't know her last name
or anything that's
gonna help me find her.
So now you're running around,
dragging Emilys out of lectures?
No, you were the first.
And the last, I reckon.
Didn't really work, so...
- Okay.
- Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
Sorry, by the way. Sorry.
Those intending a last-minute
Ritalin-fueled all-nighter
in the belief that
you'll produce something
that will change the world
of social sciences, look at me.
Look at me!
You won't.
Applications for
the postgrad position
at the Donegan Psychiatry Group
have now closed.
I will let you know
the short list.
Uh, Raine, glad to see
you got your application in
at the 11th hour.
If it weren't for the 11th hour,
nothing would ever get done.
Uh, how's your dissertation?
Have you scientifically proven
that everyone in love
is in fact a self-sabotaging
Neanderthal sheep?
Oh, dear.
Scholarship student
with a visa on the line.
I'd have thought you'd have
stretched to something
a little more challenging
than attachment theory.
Okay, so what
I'm looking for here is
just an example of
how love led to self-sabotage.
So I'm looking for
life-falling-apart type stuff,
crazy shit.
Right?
What about the breakups?
Did anybody do
anything unhinged?
I cut this fringe.
No way. I cut a fringe.
But it's grown out now.
I had mine
before we got together.
Have any of you committed
a crime?
Wait, Frida? Frida!
Wait.
Oi, wait! Frida!
Frida Kahlo, wait!
Wait! Frida!
Wait, wait! Frida Kahlo!
I, uh, I don't think she's into you, dude.
Yeah, that wasn't even her.
That was her mate.
She didn't hear me, so...
"Missing:
a digit of Emily's number.
"You gave me ten-elevenths
- of your number on Monday."
- Yeah, all right.
"You were a fairy.
"I was the guy
with no bottle opener
"who'd really like
to see you again.
- Meet me where you found me..."
- Yeah, you got...
- That's enough now.
- "...any night at 7:00 p.m."?
She's a fairy?
Yeah, she was dressed
like a fairy.
She'll get it.
An actual
manic pixie dream girl, huh?
- What are you talking about?
- Well, she's not a real person.
She's a perfect, uncomplicated,
heteronormative projection of
everything you want her to be.
I don't know
what you just said, but, no,
she's-she's-she's real, so...
And not like any girl
you've ever met, right?
An eccentric but in, like,
a socially acceptable way.
And she thinks you're amazing,
and she loves what you love
and made you see the world
in colors
you never even knew existed.
No, no, I knew,
I knew they existed.
It's just, I've never seen them
so... well, so bright, so...
What do you
actually know about this girl?
I mean...
just find someone else.
- This is...
- What? But why?
Why would I want
to find someone else?
What's wrong with trying?
There is nobody else,
you understand?
- Oh, come on.
- What do you mean, come on?
Now, when did everyone get
so cynical? What's with that?
You don't get to choose
who you fall for.
You don't dip in and out,
run it by the class.
That's not what happens.
I don't know how you are
in a relationship,
but that's not how I want to be.
I want to find her, okay?
I'll help you find her!
I mean, I want to help you.
Why? Why would you want
to do that?
Look, I'm-I'm sorry.
You're-you're absolutely right.
People are cynical.
And the truth is...
I would want someone
to do this for me, so...
Right.
Look, uh,
wh-what's your name again?
- Owen.
- Owen.
- Okay.
- Emily.
- You knew that, though, right?
- Yeah.
Look, Owen,
you seem like a nice guy,
and this Emily is
probably wondering why
you haven't called.
Yeah, yeah, I know,
and apparently you're not
supposed to wait
over three days or something.
And term's almost over.
I mean, she'll-she'll be
heartbroken, so... let me help.
Plus I'm a student here.
I-I can be your eyes on
the ground, ear to the street.
I'm really good
at this kind of thing.
Like, what's the plan after
the, um, the wanted posters?
I don't really have a plan.
It's risky.
Live cases are unpredictable.
Trust me. I know.
You cannot get involved.
One hint of bias or influence
will invalidate your study,
and you will fail.
More importantly, Raine,
you don't have time for this.
You're meant to be writing
your conclusion.
No, this guy is my conclusion.
He's the case study
I've been waiting for.
He-He's my very own
Stanford prison experiment.
So, how many people actually go
to this place?
40,000 and something.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
I mean, I found all of them
in the last week, all but one.
Found this guy here
like six times.
- All right, mate. How's it going?
- All right.
And to be sure that
romantic attachment
is the cause of any Freudian madness,
you must first establish
that there are no preexisting
psychiatric conditions.
No preexisting
psychiatric conditions.
And do you think that...
I'd hide those if I was you.
They're supplements.
The gut's the second brain.
Did you know it can
function independently
of the brain
and the central nervous system?
My grandma was on
so many pills by the end
that she used to say,
"If you pick me up..."
"I'll rattle."
Yeah, my mum used to say
the same.
Are you on, uh, any medication?
I take antihistamines sometimes
for, like, hay fever, but...
Anything for
mental illness or...?
Nah.
Have you ever been committed
to a psychiatric hospital?
What?
Criminal record?
Wh... Sorry, what is this?
I'm just making conversation.
Just getting to know you.
Have you ever, like,
got to know somebody before?
'Cause you're well weird at it.
Who's that, then? Boyfriend?
- Who, Tristan?
- Yeah.
- No.
- But you want him to be?
No.
Is that a lie?
You know nothing about me.
Isn't that, like,
what this is for?
- It's complicated.
- Uh-huh.
You can't make someone a case
study when they don't know.
Like, I don't think
that's even admissible.
I think, don't they have
to sign a release form?
I might have signed it for him.
Ugh.
I just...
I'm saving him the admin.
Okay, well,
that's giving illegal.
No, I... I know.
- But it's also... it's giving Donegan position.
- Mm.
My other case studies
are so boring. I need him.
Do you think you manipulate
situations for your own gain?
I need him to do something big,
to give it scale.
Would you say you have a
grandiose sense of self-worth?
If I don't get this position,
I have to go back to Iowa
and live with my mom
and her flat Earth theories.
Or you could marry me
and get a spousal visa
and come live in London.
I want to be here, though.
And Tristan's got a job
at the hospital, so...
No, do not come at me
with the Tristan stuff
when I'm feeling this unwell.
We don't care
what Tristan's doing, remember?
It's been three years of,
"Oh, this is just casual, yeah?"
Yeah. Yeah. Of course.
I mean, it's not
about him, though.
Like, I-I-I genuinely think
that my thesis
can help people
understand themselves and...
What about the Owen lad?
It's fascinating.
I mean,
he's completely delusional.
He sits in the S.U. every night
just waiting for her
like he's in
some shitty Casablanca.
He's in love
with the idea of love.
Hey, I was thinking,
did you check social media?
Obviously I've checked
social media.
I've seen the face
of every Emily that goes here.
And obviously she ain't
gonna have social media anyway.
She's too cool, so...
You can't know everything
about someone in 20 minutes.
Yeah, but you know everything
you need to know, don't you?
No, people only tell you
what they want you to know.
It's not what about
you say, though.
It's... it's-it's
about the vibe.
My professor,
he wrote this amazing paper:
"Are we in love
with the people in our lives
or just our projections
of them?"
Love isn't something
that should be studied.
Well, actually,
a lot of people study love.
No, man, you can't
look at it too long.
Otherwise it'll just disappear.
Well, have you never wondered
why you are
the way that you are?
Why you do the things you do?
I mean, what effect
your parents had
on your personality?
Sorry, did I buy weed off you
in first year?
Or was it the-the antique
maracas? Was that you?
No.
Get a weird vibe off you, man.
No, not like dj vu,
but like dj boo!
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
All right, sound monkey.
What are you doing here?
No gigs tonight?
Ah, just...
having a quiet pint, so...
Yeah, dead quiet.
It's like a bloody wake
over here.
Christ.
Seen this?
Could be worse, sound worm.
Could be this twat.
How embarrassing.
Ladies.
Maybe that's why she's not coming,
'cause she's embarrassed.
Why would she be embarrassed?
Well, think about it.
She came onto me.
Put herself out there,
gave me her number and that.
And for all she's concerned,
you know,
I've just ghosted her.
She ain't gonna come here,
is she?
She knows I work here.
She thinks I'm one of
those players, man.
- Player.
- Player.
Okay, she said she was
going to a birthday party
on Canal Street, so I just...
it's got to be one of these,
hasn't it?
Yeah, it's got to be.
Yeah, we just go in here
and then bounce
all the way down.
Okay, I'm in.
Ah, mate.
Uh, was there a birthday party
here on Monday?
What kind of party?
Fancy dress kind of party.
Yeah, and it was amazing,
you know.
Could I have the name
of the person
whose party that was, please?
Can't give that out.
Sorry, mate.
Yeah, you're in.
Fiver?
Tenner?
What happens if I give you
20 quid?
Are you serious?
The queer community thanks you
for your contribution.
What about the information?
Can I have a try?
- Yeah, knock yourself out.
- Yeah. What's your name?
Well?
Oh, I-I didn't get
any information.
But I got us free drinks!
Great.
That's cute. Bye!
Yeah.
Oh. Oh.
Are-are we going
to the, to the next one?
Nah. No next one.
There's no point.
I'm wasting my time
and your time.
Listen, I've spent
70 quid tonight
and no one's told me anything.
90 pound. I don't even know
why I lied about that.
Okay, so-so we'll find,
uh, a new strategy.
No, no, look, there's no point.
She probably met someone
the other day that did text
her back. And what am I doing?
Just pissing away
mortgage money with you.
No offense or anything.
It's just, there's just
no point, is there?
No, I mean, I mean, you said
you'd find her at any cost,
and-and you've only spent 90.
No, I spent 125.
One guy up there took card.
Okay, so-so that's it?
You're just giving up?
Listen, I don't know
what to do. What am I supposed to do?
Tell me. Tell me
what I'm supposed to do.
'Cause right now,
there's nothing.
I might as well just go home.
Fine.
Didn't anyone ever tell you
if you're gonna be a lover,
you got to be a fighter, too?
Shh.
You'll never guess
where I've been.
Oh, oh.
I'm screwed.
- Have you slept?
- I'm gonna fail.
There's no-no degree,
no Donegan position.
I'm-I'm gonna go home a-a loser
and a nobody all because of him.
What, Tristan?
- No, Owen.
- Oh.
He just gave up.
He walked away like
a completely sane person.
I mean, what am, what am I
supposed to do?
Um, what can we do?
We can... Oh.
You could just disprove
your hypothesis.
Nobody gets a first
from disproving
their hypothesis.
You could just ask
for an extension.
He doesn't give extensions.
Legally, he has to give you
an extension
if you evidence
extenuating circumstances.
What are
my extenuating circumstances?
Okay, big breath.
And let it out.
I think this... this is giving
extenuating circumstances.
I think just take a picture
of this and pop it in an email
to that professor of yours,
and I think
you'll get an extension.
Big kiss.
You've got this.
You have got this.
Sweeties for you.
Popcorn for me.
Keep breathing.
Holy shit.
Thank you, Anna!
It's okay!
This is the email
address of every single Emily
who is currently enrolled
at the university.
How am I gonna know
which one's hers?
Only one way to find out.
Nah.
Nah, I can't, I can't do that.
I'll, uh...
I'll lose my job, so...
Well, only if people find out
it was you, and they won't.
I mean, this is,
this is your chance.
She's right here.
I'm not influencing you.
Okay.
D-Do it quickly.
Yeah, well, that depends on
how many Emilys there are.
Well, how many can there be?
There's 318 Emilys go here.
That's wild, innit?
Only four Owens as well.
Only four.
- Here you go.
- You sent it?
- Nah, not yet.
- Oh. Okay.
Ooh, "E.T." What's that for?
Uh, it was a s-stupid dare.
- Is it real?
- Yep.
Oh, that "E.T."
on your "phone home" finger.
- Yes.
- Funny. Great dare.
Yeah, so I've not sent it yet,
- but I've got something.
- Okay.
What do you reckon to this?
"Evening, ladies."
- Ooh.
- Yeah, yeah.
- It's...
- Yeah, I'll probably make that "Emilys."
- Yeah, little better.
- Yeah.
Right. "Evening, Emilys.
"I met one of you last Monday
in the S.U.
"You were a fairy.
"I was the guy flashing coupons.
"The number I have for you
is a digit short.
"I looked for you everywhere.
"Turns out
this is the final straw.
- And if you'd like..."
- What?
- What?
- It's the British flirting.
It's like
a random word generator.
What is that "straw"?
What is that?
It's just like...
It's an inside joke.
You won't get it.
It's just about, like, turtles
out of their shell
on coke, just...
- Sounds hilarious. Keep going.
- Yeah.
Yeah, so I just said,
"If you'd like to see me again,
just email me back,"
smiley face.
- No, I don't think it needs that.
- Ah, yeah, it doesn't...
doesn't need a smiley face,
does it? No.
What happens if I've, like,
misread this whole situation
and she did wrong-number me?
Well...
I mean, you must have some idea
if she liked you.
Right?
Well, yeah, I think I did,
but I'm not really good
at this stuff.
It's like, one minute
you think it's going all right,
and the next minute, it's like,
"Oh, you know, you're a bit...
you're a bit too much.
Is-is your brother single?"
- Hmm.
- Just don't want to ruin stuff. Do you know what I mean?
I feel like I was
a right mess after my m...
You know, I've just got,
I've got this job,
and I just feel like
everything's started
to go all right,
and now I've met this girl
that's gonna make everything
feel perfect for me, and now...
I don't want to know
if she's wrong-numbered me.
Do you know what I mean?
Why would I want to know that?
And also, like,
I definitely don't want
317 other random people
to know that.
Don't know.
I just feel like, if I send it,
I'm just gonna ruin everything.
Do you know what I mean?
I'm just a little bit stressed
about the whole thing.
I don't really know what to say.
What do you think I should do?
Send it.
Okay. I'll do that, then.
Sent.
Oh, I got it.
What is this about anyway?
Star-crossed lovers.
Right.
The taco pizza is a textural
Midwestern experience.
It's a true delicacy.
Do not blame
your vile concoction
on the good people of Iowa.
I won't hear anything against this pizza.
Well, I will. It's vile!
Don't knock it
till you try it. I'm serious.
It's very good.
Don't listen to her.
Hi.
65 BPM, two flights of stairs.
Not too shabby.
I'm getting you both a plate
- so we can all try it together.
- Hello, hello.
- Hello.
- Hey, Kyle.
- Hi, Kyle.
- Hello. I've been skipping.
Look at this perfect punnet
of tomatoes
- I got from the M&S bin.
- Yeah.
You know how many tons of food
go to waste
in this country, huh?
Laughable.
I got chocolate eggs, too.
Perfect pizza topping.
- You're welcome.
- Um...
- Great.
- Yes?
- Is Tristan coming?
- He sends his apologies
but is otherwise engaged.
- Hello?
- I'm not really sure
what's happening,
but I'm getting,
I'm getting, like,
a load of emails.
Hey, Emilys.
Nice to meet you all.
My God. WTF?
Are straight people okay?
Question mark.
You cc'd everyone?
Well, yeah, yeah,
I can see that now.
So you've just created
a chat room of 318 Emilys.
Everybody can reply
to each other now.
Well, thanks for the recap.
Wait, does he even go here?
I'm literally dying.
Guys, I manifested this.
Oh, this is so cute. Obsessed.
How did you not bcc?
I don't know what a bcc is.
- Wow. Who is he?
- It's when y...
Never mind.
Look, it'll be fine.
Iconic.
Uh, I should, uh...
Could you tell me,
uh, how to delete it? Like...
- You can't.
- Yas, king.
Flash your coupon at me.
Ugh. What does
flashing coupons even mean?
His penis. Every guy names it.
That doesn't even make sense.
Who names their penis "coupon"?
Oh, well, this was a great idea.
- Thanks a lot.
- No, it wasn't my idea.
- It was...
- What do you mean it wasn't your idea?
- Well, it...
- I mean, this was all your idea.
Okay, look, uh, just stay calm.
Stay ca... How am I
supposed to stay calm?
They'll get bored eventually,
and she'll reply,
as-as well as
all the other Emilys.
You did the right thing.
Cha, cha, cha!
It's cute.
I wish someone did it for me.
What, have the whole uni
hunting you down?
It's not cute. It's unwell.
It's cute if he's fit.
Well, he's not, though.
What? No fit lad would do that.
And if he were fit, you'd make
sure you get your number right.
No, he'll be an incel rat face,
and not in a good way.
You can't know that
from an email.
Please. He'll smell his own
socks in his mam's basement.
Bet he's never seen a pair
of tits in his life.
Please join me.
Okay. What do you think?
Can I use it?
Uh, please don't touch that.
It's part of the process.
And you verified
there's no delusions,
disturbed thoughts, mania?
- No, he's fine.
- Fine?
He hasn't signed it.
That email address
is obviously an alias.
Right.
I think that negates
self-sabotage.
Well, I-I considered that,
but-but no.
I mean, the subject has
no intention of hiding
any resulting relationship,
which will in turn expose
his identity and hers.
"His penis, every guy names..."
Oh, here he is now.
No, that's...
That's... ugh.
What is your relationship
with the subject?
Nothing. There's, uh,
there's no relationship.
No undocumented communication,
nothing that would constitute
researcher interference?
Uh...
Oh, there he is again.
Keen.
Uh, excuse me.
There's nothing in there
that will save you.
That's my private space.
Raine, your Donegan interview
is imminent.
If there's anything
you need to declare...
do it now.
There's nothing.
He's just data.
Good. Write it up.
You may exit the vehicle.
Please take this apple with you.
I don't know
what I was thinking.
Thank you.
Come back to me, George.
Yes.
I reckon he made
this Emily bird up
so he could shoot his shot
at all of them,
- see who he'll smash.
- It's not a bad idea, you know.
Hey, I'm gonna do it
to the Jennifers.
Jennifers are hot.
"This is the final straw"?
I know I'm willingly taking it
out of context,
- but that's a threat.
- A thousand percent.
Dean, this is an attack
on our security.
We demand to know
what is being done.
I will wear a hood, but
I'm not gonna wear a ball gag
because, you know,
I've got the bad tooth.
Tell Tracy.
All right, see you Friday.
Emily Thewlis.
Always a pleasure.
Oh.
The university is aware
of the breach,
and we're looking into it.
Right.
And what are we supposed to do?
God knows
what other information he has.
He could have
our phone numbers, our addresses.
This is not safe for students.
And as president of the student
union, I just feel this...
I'm aware of
your worldly place, Emily.
Come on.
Off you pop.
I really can assure you,
Madam President,
the safety of students
is absolutely paramount.
Really?
Because as far as I'm aware,
the creators of Upskirt Bingo
still have not been held
to account.
And what about Pervy Martin
and his peephole?
Now, Pervy Mart...
Martin has been questioned.
And we're still investigating
Beaver Bingo.
As a woman
in a position of power,
- you are preventing progress...
- Do you know what?
I burned my bra.
I've done the work.
You go and do some work now,
too, okay?
Triggered. Triggered.
Someone's triggered.
It's a breach of our privacy.
No one wants to breach
your privacy, love.
Great. See that?
That right there is the issue.
This culture
of toxic masculinity
left completely unchecked
leaves them
thinking that they can
just send us emails.
Aw, we can't send emails now?
All right, shut up,
you ding-dongs.
Listen.
I'm sorry about everything.
The faculty is
doing everything to maintain
the investigation into
everything that's pertinent
to this.
Brilliant.
Now...
Now, tell me you didn't
hack the school email
- and message every Emily.
- No, I didn't hack it.
It comes up automatically.
Anyway, how does everybody know
about this? What is...
Because of this.
"Every Emily. Jilt..."
- J... I'm not jilted.
- Are you brain-dead?
Yeah, but I'm not
jilted, though.
And anyway, it worked.
She replied.
Well, at least she said
it were her.
Had 20 others say it was her
as well, so I guess
I'm just gonna have to find out
which one's actually her.
Cool. How are you
gonna do that?
I'm gonna send an email asking
a question only she'll know.
No, no! Absolutely not.
No more emails, Owen.
- I think it's actually illegal.
- I don't think it is illegal.
And anyway,
nobody actually knows it's me.
You.
- Yeah?
- You were looking for Emily.
Yeah, no, yeah, uh, this Emily.
Found her ages ago.
- Thanks.
- Yeah. Yeah, you know,
- w-we're very happy together.
- Mm.
Yeah, no, uh, this, uh...
- this shirt is a, it's a joke.
- A joke.
I wear it
so that all the-the boys
know that they don't
stand a chance.
Like, don't even talk to me.
Can I just add quickly
that I don't
make her wear that, though.
- That's, like, her choice.
- No. Yeah, it's my choice.
Okay.
Hmm.
You clearly have an eye
for a case.
You couldn't have
manufactured it better.
I didn't manufacture it.
Uh...
Oh, I...
I see what you mean. Yeah.
And what benefit do you see from
furthering your research
should you be granted
the position here?
I'd like to explore the idea
that romantic attachment
may have been beneficial
at some point in human history
but is perhaps
unnecessary today.
When we're infants,
our survival depends
on a caregiver
looking after us, feeding us,
protecting us from danger, and
so naturally we attach to them.
But why do we need attachment
in the romantic sense
when we're adults
who can take care of ourselves?
I'd argue it's a, it's a
by-product of human immaturity.
So, when it comes to romance,
you're saying
we all need to grow up?
I'm saying that, um, that...
that I-I don't see
a clear evolutionary benefit.
If anything, I mean,
a romantic attachment
puts us back in danger,
at the mercy of-of predators
who can take advantage.
So, I get an anonymous email
from this sexy creep...
who's looking for a girl
called Emily.
This is a total invasion
of our...
Privacy is what we're talking
about here, people.
If you guys don't want him,
I'll have him.
Obsessed!
Is it the most lesbian-coded
thing I've ever heard? Yeah.
Creepy-ass scavenger hunt.
Do I kind of wish
I'd thought of it myself?
Absolutely not.
I could be the Emily
you're looking for.
Who is the real Emily?
Girl, where you at?
This thing is everywhere.
I was asked by four people
today if I was the Emily.
I feel like I'm in that
documentary that we watched
where it started out
about, like,
that one little weird thing,
and then, and then boom,
townspeople went missing,
some guy was a pedophile,
everybody was dead.
- Can I have one of those?
- Yeah.
Sorry, you said
he was a pedophile?
What? No, just an example.
Do you have any idea
what you're doing to this guy?
I'm not doing anything.
Really?
You expect me to believe
he just found those addresses?
Three days ago,
he said he wanted to give up.
- Excuse me.
- But that wouldn't help
your word count, would it?
What are you, the thesis police?
I did... I didn't know
that this was gonna happen.
Yeah, but you're delighted
it did.
My paper is actually
gonna help people.
Especially Owen,
and Professor Westlake agrees.
Oh, that guy is a prick.
Oh, please, can we just pay
for the egg and cress?
- Yeah.
- He's a living legend.
- He's famous in psychology circles.
- Uh, sorry.
He put a first-year in a bin
for asking for an autograph.
I really wouldn't
take my cues off him.
Well, I'm not gonna
take them from you.
I-I'm sorry. I just...
You've been trying to get Kyle
to notice you
for-for months now,
and-and I'm sorry,
I love you, Anna, but you could
also benefit from my study
because I feel like you're
making yourself look stupid.
Mm, wow, wow.
How do you even get your head
that far up your own ass?
Kyle is textbook
anxious avoidant.
Kyle is my boyfriend.
Where do you think
I've been going every night?
Of course.
You didn't even notice.
And you're saying I'm stupid?
But I'm not the one
with "Emily and Tristan"
tattooed on my finger.
That was a joke,
and it was his idea.
But he didn't follow through
with it, did he?
And I'm saying this with love,
but I can hear you making
those drunk phone calls to him,
and it's embarrassing.
And remember when you pitched up
to his family holiday
unannounced?
Babe, you need to read the room.
- I mean, read the room.
- Okay, he asked me to go.
Okay, Emily, please,
can you just go... away?
Please do.
Hey, you've reached Emily Raine.
Please leave a message.
Hey, you've reached Emily...
Hey, you've reached Emily Raine.
Please leave a message.
He should not be given a voice.
If predators can defend,
then victims cannot mend.
That's right!
Put me on the podcast.
I am Emily!
Yes, I am Emily!
I stand with every Emily!
We will not be silenced!
E-M-I-L-Y,
take the hint, there's no reply!
E-M-I-L-Y, take the hint,
there's no reply!
E-M-I-L-Y,
take the hint, there's no reply!
- One more!
E-M-I-L-Y, take the hint,
there's no reply!
And this... this is
a message for the dean.
'Cause I know you're listening.
If you will not fight
for your students' safety...
We will!
What are you doing?
Been trying to call you
and everything.
What are you doing? Like, you
blocked my number or something?
- Mm. Mm-mm.
- What is it, then?
My-my phone's been, uh...
my phone's being weird.
I'm sorry.
Um, Owen, you can't,
you can't do this podcast.
- Why?
- Because then everybody will know who you are.
Ah, this is like... everyone
thinks I'm this weird, strange,
like, toxic, masculine, incel
boozer who's trying to, like,
grope girls through their email
and that.
It's all just got mad
and out of hand,
and I just want to show Emily,
you know,
that I'm not
this weird psychopath.
Owen...
I'm really sorry.
What for?
The reason I offered
to help you is...
Yeah?
I want chips, boom,
and I want some curry.
Ain't that your guy?
No, wait, wait, wait.
Are you being serious right now?
Em. Em.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing here?
Uh, I don't know.
What time is it?
Breakfast, lunch, dinner?
Those are the key meals, yes.
And your tea.
Don't forget your tea.
- Hi, mate. I'm-I'm Owen.
- Hi. Tristan.
- Ugh.
- Yeah.
- Nice to meet you.
- Sorry.
Sorry, I haven't quite
been to bed.
I'm a bit, ugh, you know.
Coleslaw and chips.
Usual gross stuff.
I actually love
coleslaw and chips.
It's-it's well nice.
Slimy.
So, I handed in my thesis
yesterday. Boop-boop.
Two days early.
It's a big slay.
Yeah, well, the 11th hour
is not for me, so...
You need a sticky toffee
study buddy?
Uh, not this time. Thank you.
Okey dokey.
Uh, right.
I got to get back to Libby.
She's intolerant to sodium,
but she loves chips.
It's a nightmare. All right.
In a bit.
Nice to meet you. See...
Ciao-ciao.
Hey. Oh, what'd you order?
What did you get?
Hey, my mum used to have
this great idea
how she'd get
out of a situation.
She'd just pretend
she had a burst appendix.
So let's just do that.
So I'll just pretend
my appendix has burst.
- No, Owen, it's-it's fine.
- What-what do you want to do?
Start robbing wallets
or something?
Come on,
let's just get out of here.
Grab your bag.
Count of three, yeah?
Ready?
One.
Two.
Three.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no.
Hit my hands, hit my hands.
The hands!
Oh, my God, I'm s...
I'm so sorry.
- I was shouting "hands" at you.
- I didn't see.
I'm-I'm sorry.
You never done that before
where you hit someone
in the hands?
I didn't see that
that's what you did.
- I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
A good punch, actually.
Right.
- I got to get going.
- Oh, wait.
You're gonna do the podcast?
Yeah, obviously.
Okay, well, just... just watch
out for that-that podcast girl,
'cause I know she-she looks
like Broadcast Barbie
and her hair smells like
Christmas, but she is unhinged.
- Okay.
- So just...
just stay calm,
maintain eye contact,
and... and say her name a lot.
The brain loves hearing
its own name.
It's, like, the most important
sound in the world
to the brain, especially hers.
Okay. All right.
All right, great.
Thanks for the advice.
Right, let's go.
Ah, that's my banana.
- Sorry.
- It's actually my lunch.
Oh.
Sorry, I...
I thought, like, they're
for everyone and that. Sorry.
Put that back together for you
like that, look.
Still edible, that.
Just don't leave it
over two hours.
Are we filming this, by the way?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, we stream everything
on the uni website.
- Oh.
- It's no big deal.
It kind of is a big deal, actually.
Wait, hang on a...
wait, hang on a minute,
'cause I didn't know
this was being filmed, though.
- Three, two, one.
- No, wait, hang on a minute.
Don't do the... stop the count...
Hi. I'm Laura Lewis, and
welcome to this week's show.
So, our guest this week is
the man behind the mail.
Owen, thank you so much for
stepping out of the shadows
to join us today.
A guy and a gal walk into a bar.
No, it is not
the setup of a joke...
Oh, Christ,
what you done now, lad?
But the precursor to an event
that has rocked
the entire campus.
Last week, our guest met
and fell for Emily,
one of the 318...
How is this news?
That received
the now infamous email.
Who cares?
Now, my question is:
Was this
a harmless romantic gesture
or just sexual harassment?
Ooh, I'm not
sexually harassing her, Laura.
Okay, back away
from the mic, Owen.
I'm saying I'm not
sexually harassing her.
Okay, you wouldn't be
the first person
to get turned down
or wrong-numbered,
but you can't accept
that that's what's happened, can you?
- No, I don't think
I was wrong-numbered.
That's the thing.
Well, she didn't
right-number you, did she?
Well, no, but she was in a rush.
She had a birthday
she had to go to,
and her friends were shouting,
so she just missed off a digit.
- Happens all the time.
- Okay, are you aware that
women often employ friends
to help them in potentially
dangerous situations?
- Yeah, I'm aware.
- You know, fake calls,
pretending they need
to be somewhere.
Your actions have actually
started an army.
A 318-strong army of women
standing together,
protecting each other
from men... predators like you.
What do you mean,
predators like me?
I'm not, I'm not,
I'm not dangerous or anything.
I just want to say as well,
I've seen a pair of tits before.
Oh, you wish, mate.
What?
Ah, you little prick.
Actually, she spoke to me first,
which makes me prey, no?
- I'm actually prey.
- Oh, right, so you think
- that if a woman speaks to you first...
- I'm happy to be prey.
- Can I just clarify?
- What?
- You think that a woman speaking to you first...
- Yeah?
Means that she wants you
romantically?
- No, that's not what I said.
- You did say that.
- "She spoke to me..."
- No. No, I was just saying
that she spoke to me first and
asked me to dance. That's all.
- I think...
- And I know, yeah, that dancing and speaking
doesn't mean that someone's
attracted to you or, like,
is... has an interest in you,
but I've spoken to enough girls
that haven't been interested
in me to know the difference.
Do you know what I mean, Laura?
You felt there was a connection?
Yeah, there was
a connection. There was...
I wouldn't be doing
any of this if there wasn't.
And you really feel like
you can tell that
after one just interaction?
Yeah.
It was a great interaction.
Do you see that,
for some people,
- this just seems crazy?
- I think it's crazier
if I felt like this
and did absolutely nothing
about it, right?
Owen, you're not
a student here, are you?
- You're staff.
- I'm a sound engineer.
I don't, like,
mark papers and that.
And, like, a relationship
with a student
is totally aboveboard.
Looked into it.
Okay, great news,
if you ever have one.
Look.
Here's what I want to know.
How did you get those addresses?
Uh...
Owen, you said
you wanted to clear your name.
Now is your chance, live.
Did anyone help you?
Um...
N-Nah, I just, um...
I hacked, I hacked
into the system.
He hacked the system.
Interesting.
How would you hack a system?
Right, and while
you were hacking the system,
did you stop and think,
"Is this what Emily wants?"
at any point?
Uh, I just...
She wanted me to contact her.
She hasn't replied to you,
has she, Owen?
Why do you think that is?
Another mistype?
Another birthday?
If Emily was listening
right now...
Yeah.
- What do you want to say?
- Um...
Well, I wrote her a song.
- Oh, snap.
- No.
Sing it.
I don't have a... don't-don't
have a guitar, so...
Oh, no, we can sort that.
Cheryl?
- Yeah?
- Can we get a guitar, please?
- Yep.
- Thank you.
That's all right.
That's all right, Cheryl.
No, it's fine. It's her job.
Hey, hey.
We're getting the song!
We're getting the song!
- She's actually excited.
- She's got a guitar.
- She's...
- I really don't like this. - Oh, my gosh.
- Um...
- Go on, Owen.
This could be a bit, like,
rusty. I-I don't know.
No, no, the song will be great.
You sure?
All right.
That's, like, cringe.
Oh, God.
Ah, yeah.
Oh, my gosh, he's amazing.
That's all I have right now.
What a guy!
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
Good luck with that, Owen.
- Thank you so much for joining us today.
- Boo!
That concludes this week's episode.
It was definitely...
Well, that were undignified.
- Was it?
- Martin.
Okay, thank you, Owen.
The true freedom in this life
is knowing you're cringe
and doing it anyway.
That guy is free.
I've been Laura Lewis.
He's been controversial.
And follow us for more.
I need to talk about
this email dude!
He's won me over.
I mean, I'd like to be
serenaded.
He literally hacked the system.
- I'm team Get the Girl.
- It's the year of the yearners.
Can we just stop fetishizing
white boys playing guitar?
Sea levels are rising.
Long-lost Gallagher brother
sets off
chain reaction
of shame and carnage.
He seemed like
a decent guy to me.
This is a guitar tutorial
for Email Guy's song.
All I am saying is
that he is a very good singer.
- It was like Ed Sheeran.
- I thought it was quite cute.
But if Ed Sheeran was
on Watchdog.
Let's keep watching
this chaos unfold.
That's...
- Hello.
- Two.
Okay.
That is, um...
Straight, straight,
straight, straight.
- I am.
- What are you pair doing?
I think we got a buyer.
Come on.
But, uh, I'm triple-checking
the width of everything
because they're saying
the plans are wrong.
You sure that's what
we want to do, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Like, that's what we're gonna do,
just sell to the first person
like it's the most casual thing
in the world, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Really?
She wanted us to stay
in the house.
No, Mum wanted us to sell up
so we can use the money
for ourselves.
No, I don't want any money.
That's not what I want.
- Oh.
- Nobody needs money. That's not...
Oh, yeah, really mature.
That's good doing that
right now, innit? Yeah.
- Really funny.
- I'll measure you in a minute.
- What are you, about that?
- Oh, yeah. Ah, dead funny.
- About that?
- Trying to have
a serious conversation with you,
and you're doing that.
Just stop!
Owen!
Hang on a minute.
I'm getting a phone call.
Hello?
What, are you sure
that's a good idea?
Whatever it is, it's not
gonna be a good idea, is it?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. All right, okay.
I'll see you then, then, yeah?
All right. Bye. Bye.
Uh, can we talk
about this properly?
No. I got to go and meet every
Emily that's enrolled at uni.
Told you.
There's a party.
She might be there.
Listen, just stop measuring
things, all right?
Some things can't be measured.
All houses can be measured.
I think he meant sentimentally.
Oh.
Okay, this definitely
wasn't a good idea.
Okay, oh,
you're a bit close there.
Uh, right, just stay calm,
stay calm, stay calm.
Here we go.
Save us a piece of that, babe.
Olives?
Does anyone want olives?
I think that might be her.
Yeah, behind you. Over there.
Oh.
Do you have one
with goat's cheese?
Come on. Put them in here.
Come with me.
Thank you.
- All right, I'm just...
- Oh, there's no allergens?
Uh, I'm lactose intolerant,
so...
- Sorry.
- Okay.
Oh, wait.
She's there.
In the red thing with
the pigtails. The pigtails!
Where's the garlic sauce?
That is not a road-safe helmet.
Yeah, no, I-I got it from...
He's here!
Somebody call the police!
Ah, no police
at the Palmers' party house!
- He's gonna kill someone!
- Whoa, hey, hey, whoa, whoa!
I'm not gonna kill anybody!
My mum's gonna kill me.
Run straight, man!
You're gonna be sorry, Owen!
Oh, my God, he's so fit, though.
My type.
Wait, how is this my fault?
Because I just gave you
the helmet,
I gave you the pizzas,
and all you had to do
was just go in there
and tell me which one she was.
Yeah, and all you had to do was
understand basic hand gestures.
- It ain't hard.
- Right.
Maybe I would've
understood them if they weren't like this.
Are you done, or you want to keep going?
- No, I'm not.
- I'm not at the part...
- Oh, you want to keep going.
- Okay, okay.
- Where you ran off screaming!
Well, what am I supposed to do?
What am I supposed to do,
stand there and fight, yeah?
Ah, great, that'll look good in
tomorrow's papers, wouldn't it?
"Psycho stalker
disguised as disco pizza guy
smacks up a hundred Emilys."
Great.
Oh, you think you could
smack up a hundred Emilys?
Ah, yeah, I-I knew
you were gonna say that.
And, no, I don't, actually.
I have what's known in boxing
as a glass chin.
You box?
- Nah, I've just got a chin.
- Guys!
- Hello?
- Fancy two-for-one drinks
or one-pound shots
at Night and Day?
- Live band till 1:00.
- Yeah.
Oh, these are actually great.
They used to be
our support band.
Do you want to go?
I, uh, I-I have some work to do,
- but-but you should go.
- All right, boring.
- You go.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I'll go.
Yeah, sound. Night out
on my own. Thanks a lot.
Ruin my life back there
and then send me out on my own.
- Great.
- Fine, fine. Okay, I'll come.
- Let's go, then.
- I haven't ruined your life.
- You have ruined it.
- No, I haven't.
Oh, listen.
Let's just talk about this
- over a drink.
- Okay, fine.
- Over a one-pound shot.
- I'm not having that discussion
- we just had back there now.
- Okay, great.
- All right.
- Fine.
Talk about
what's happened there in here.
- You good?
- So good.
So good.
They're so good.
All right, Manchester,
we're W.H. Lung.
How you doing?
- Going to the front. Let's go.
- Oh, okay.
Yes, mate. You all right?
How you doing?
- Yeah, yeah, good, yeah. Yeah.
- Good.
- Come up onstage. Yeah, come up onstage with us.
- Nah, nah.
Come onstage with us. Come on.
Yes, mate, you all right?
You remember this one? Yeah?
This lad is one of our finest!
Give it up!
Take it away, baby.
- Ow!
- Sorry, love. You all right?
You okay?
- All right, let's go, let's go.
- Okay.
- Ow.
- Just be gentle, gentle.
- Uh-huh.
- Gentle with it. Gentle.
Only press it gentle.
- Uh, gently.
- Yeah, I am.
Ah.
- You okay?
- How do I look?
- 'Angin.
- What's that?
It's like, your face,
it knocks me sick.
Thanks.
Cut looks good, though.
Proper hard.
Ow. Ow.
Please don't make me laugh.
I didn't know I could.
- Do you want this?
- Nah. I'm okay.
- Looks good.
- Just-just press it back on there.
Got blood on it.
You can't have
more than 100% water.
- What do you mean?
- You can't.
What about like 200%, then?
What are you saying?
Like, I'm just enjoying
the kebab.
Ow.
Just wondering if you were
for blue or red.
Quite important to know that.
Go, blue.
In a past life,
I was definitely, like,
a medieval farmhand,
and I had like seven
little sickly children...
- Ah, chicken!
- With, like, little booties.
Can I get
two chicken burgers, mate?
And if you deliver,
can you take her home?
- We don't do any burgers.
- Take her home, then.
Oh, you don't do
chicken burgers?
They want chicken burgers.
They can get just an order...
You can always get, like,
just normal kebab meat
and get it in a pita.
- What? Who asked you?
- I bet he works here.
No, I don't work here.
I was just saying.
I don't want any chicken burger.
I didn't want any...
Thank you, mate.
That's very nice of you...
I was just saying,
like, I just thought...
Are you all right?
You some kind of hard lad?
- What do you mean?
- Who likes hitting women?
- What?
- Do you? Is that what you want to do?
Do you like hitting women?!
- No, no, no, no, no!
- Do you know what that is?!
It's okay, it's okay.
No, no, no. It wasn't,
it wasn't him, it wasn't him.
It was s...
it was something else.
It was an accident at the club,
and some guy ran into me.
- It's-it's fine. Don't worry.
- Right.
- Yeah?
- I'm okay, really.
But thank you.
This, uh,
this lad is actually...
he's a really,
he's a really good one.
- Okay?
- Right.
- Right.
- And he's-he's got a...
he's got a glass chin.
And actually... come on.
If you just, like,
listen to his heart,
you can, you can hear...
- Pure weird this.
- It is a bit weird, innit?
- Yeah.
- Babe.
What?
- It sounds like...
- His heartbeat.
Like Cardi B!
- Carl who?
- Ah, amazing.
- Who's Carl B?
- How have you done that, mate?
- Come on.
- Wow.
Sorry.
Wow.
Okay.
You have got to get
back into music.
You're so good!
And I know I said that already.
- Say it again. Say it again.
- Okay, I'll say it again.
- You're so good.
- Ah.
- I want to watch your band.
- Nah.
- Yes.
- Nah, nah, nah.
- There's no getting that band back together.
- Ugh.
Two lads joined another one,
and, you know.
I did some really bad open mics
for a bit,
but then obviously
my mum got ill
and I had to pay for treatment,
and now...
Yeah. I don't know.
There's no money, like,
in music anyway, is there?
So... yeah.
How long ago did your mom...
Uh... 364 days.
- Yeah.
- I'm so sorry.
Thanks.
You know, afterwards,
I-I had this obsession
with death for a bit.
But I'm-I'm over that now.
I got, I'm just...
you know, looking at life
instead of death.
That's me.
Nice. Nice place.
You really didn't
have to walk me home.
Ah, what happens
if I get jumped again?
You're my protection, ain't you?
Yes, that-that is true.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Don't want that happening, do I?
- No.
Oh, my God, that's Email Guy.
- No way. Is it?
- All right.
- It is?
- Shh.
He'll hear you.
Well, anyway, I better
get going before I hear them.
- Yeah.
- You shouldn't have let me do that podcast.
Well, I told you not to.
Yeah, but you weren't
very convincing, were you?
- Love makes you do mad things.
- Nah.
I wasn't doing it for love.
I was doing it for me,
clear my name and that.
Well, didn't you say
it was love at first sight?
Uh, I don't think so.
Anyway, a lot's happened
since first sight, hasn't it?
Yeah.
All right, uh...
Night, then, Emily.
- I'll, uh...
- Oh.
- Night.
- Yeah. See you later.
- Don't get jumped.
- Nah, I'm gonna run.
- Okay.
- See ya.
We are live.
We are here on campus.
Tensions are really rising.
Emilys are gathering
in the masses.
And we want to know
what you think.
Do you think he's a sexy pest
or a sex pest?
Vote in the Instagram poll.
The dean is about to speak.
The safety of our students
is our number one priority.
We are well aware
of the recent security breach
committed by
a junior member of staff
who was on
probationary employment.
I can report his position
within our institution
has been terminated
with immediate effect.
Quite the stunt, Raine.
What do you mean?
Get this right,
and the Donegan position
is surely gonna be yours.
15 hours to write this up
and deliver.
You must be thrilled.
Don't think he's done
anything stupid, do you?
When has he ever done something
that isn't stupid?
Matt.
Let's stop worrying.
Look, I know my brother,
all right?
Like, he'll be in a field
somewhere shouting at the sky,
being all melodramatic,
and he'll probably write
a song about it.
Owen.
Owen.
Thank God. Are you all right?
Where are you?
I'm, uh...
Uh, I'm in the Peak District.
What did I tell you?
He written a song?
Are you okay?
Look, uh, listen.
I'm... I'm not gonna have
any money this month.
- Uh...
- That's-that's okay.
It's not.
It's not okay, though, is it?
I...
I just wanted to stay in the
house, and I thought maybe I...
I know, Owen. I know.
But, um...
it has to happen.
And... we really need
your help with this.
You know, we can't
stay here forever.
I was supposed to be
sorting my life out...
you know, for you guys,
and, you know,
I promised her
that I'd be all right, and...
instead I'm just some melt
that can't hold down a job
and just...
can't see when a girl's
trying to run away from me.
Nah, that was,
that was a mix-up.
Was it?
Is that what you believe, yeah?
Well, why didn't
she reply, then?
She got the email.
I mean, one word would've
just ended all of this.
There are a million reasons
why she didn't reply.
- You don't know her.
- I do know her. I do.
No, you don't.
She's a stranger, Owen.
Anyway, it takes
like two minutes
to reply to an email, don't it?
You're making this
all about you.
A relationship is two people
with their own specifically
complicated shit going on
just trying their best.
It's relentlessly
disappointing and...
- imperfect and...
- All right?
And magical.
But everyone thinks
I'm an idiot now.
- No one thinks that.
- They do think that.
One website called me
a rapist virgin.
Not an idiot, though.
Look, you're gonna find someone
who gets it, gets you.
Yeah, well, I thought I had.
There isn't just one.
Look, stay where you are.
Matt's gonna come pick you up.
And drop him a pin.
All right. Bye.
Bye.
If she was looking down
on us now...
what do you think she'd say?
Probably,
"Give over, you soft shite."
"Give over, you soft shite."
Yeah.
Right, put it on.
Nah.
- You're gonna do it anyway.
- Yeah.
Great.
Come on.
Ugh.
You don't know this bit, do you?
You're not unemployed.
You're fun-employed.
Let's be positive.
We're gonna get you a job.
Are you that virgin
that stalked the girl
- at the university?
- I wasn't stalking her.
I'm not a virgin, either.
- Slept with people before.
- How many?
- Just, uh...
- Oh, don't answer that, Owen.
Is that a standard
interview question?
Nah. Got to have
your own moped.
What about that guy over there?
He looks like the manager.
You want standard
interview questions?
Who was the sound engineer
on Led Zeppelin's
Houses of the Holy?
Eddie Kramer.
"The Day the Music Died"
refers to
the tragic death
of which three artists?
Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens
and The Big Bopper.
Sugababes' "Push the Button,"
what year was it released?
- 2005.
- How many people have you slept with?
Two.
- You should talk to him.
- All right.
Yeah, no, don't take that.
Keep that here.
Yeah, I'm gonna pick that up.
- I'm gonna round that down to zero.
- What?
And I'm not hiring.
Come on.
- Let's get a drink.
- Nah.
- It's on me.
- All right.
A clash steeped in tradition...
So, like, this Donegan thing,
you've made the short list.
That's-that's amazing.
I still have to get a first
in my dissertation,
but, uh, but, yeah, it's cool.
What's your dissertation about?
Uh, nothing.
Nothing.
It's, uh, it's-it's boring.
Doubt that.
I am excited, though, not just
'cause it'd get me a work visa,
but I just... yeah,
I really like it, you know?
Helping people
figure themselves out.
Your mum must be proud.
Are you guys close?
Yeah.
Well, we talk a lot, you know.
We... I just...
I couldn't tell you what about.
She's got really into, like,
telling me local news
from countries
that neither of us are in.
I don't know where she gets
this stuff, but, like...
like, "There's been a salad
contamination in Hamburg."
Did you know that?
- Well, might be useful, though.
- Yeah.
We don't really have
deep conversations, I guess,
and, yeah, I just stopped
trying to start them.
You know, I always felt closest
to my mum when we were just
shouting at the telly, like
answers at Wheel of Fortune.
90 Day Fianc for me.
Nice.
Excuse me. I was just wondering
if you were hiring..
Can we get a jalfrezi
or something?
I'm so hungry right now.
Do you know what? I actually
cook half-decent curry.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I live dead close by.
Do you want to come over?
Cook for you. Uh, to pay you
back for the pints and that.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, sounds great, yeah.
Oh, we can watch
that, uh, new documentary,
um, about the-the murder
in the underground
origami championships,
In Fold Blood.
What? What is it?
- It's her.
- Who?
Amelie.
Her name's Amelie.
That's why she didn't reply,
'cause she didn't get
the email, did she?
- Got her name wrong.
- What?
- Well, how do you know?
- Look.
"Hi. I think you've
been trying to contact me.
My name's Amelie. I'm..."
My God, she wants
to meet you tonight.
- That's...
- Now what am I supposed to do?
Well, you go. I mean...
Yeah, it's... Amelie.
I mean, that's-that's...
that's what all this
has been for, right?
Yeah, I mean,
what, like, wh-what is it?
Is it a date or what?
Like, I don't know.
What am I supposed to say,
something like that?
- Wh-What am I supposed to wear?
- Your green checked shirt.
- I should probably...
- Yeah.
Uh, do you want,
you want... Sorry.
Uh, do you want to...
Like, how you gonna get
that jalfrezi, though?
You, uh, do you want to...
I'll just, I'll...
I'll get takeaway.
- It's-it's-it's fine.
- Are you sure?
Yeah.
Okay.
She's gonna love you.
Yeah.
Go. Go on.
Are you okay getting back
and that?
- Like, you know the way?
- Y-Yeah, yeah.
- You sure? Yeah?
- Sure.
All right.
- Okay, go.
- Go get her. - All right.
Go get her.
What the hell is that?
It's, uh...
well, it was supposed to say,
"Sorry for being a..."
uh, but I-I ran out of icing.
I thought you'd find it funny.
But you don't.
I actually am really sorry.
Well, I'm not the one
that needs an arsehole cake.
Have you told Owen?
No.
I will soon.
Fun update, though.
Um, Amelie with an "A"
just texted him and said
she does want to go on a date.
Sor... Amelie?
You're f... you're kidding.
Which is... excellent.
Is it?
Yeah.
Okay, come here.
Come here.
I'm so sorry.
- What?
- I love you.
I love you.
Are you getting married
or something?
Like, how much did I miss?
Honey, it's the,
it's the leavers' ball tonight.
Right. Yeah.
- Sorry, I forgot.
- Oh, shush. Just...
Mm. Do you know what I've got
the biggest urge to do?
I designed it with that in mind.
- Oh, my God, really?
- Yes.
That's disgusting.
It's mousse.
Mmm.
Think I'm pretty?
- Hi.
- Hi.
Sorry I'm late.
Took me about two weeks
to get here.
Yeah, two weeks, exactly.
Better late than pregnant.
What?
Sorry.
Um, I make dad jokes
when I'm nervous.
Actually, that's not even
a dad joke.
That's from The Golden Girls,
who you probably have
no idea about, and I can't claim
I've watched it myself,
but I've seen the meme.
Okay.
I'm gonna go out
and come back in again.
No, no, it's fine.
It's fine, it's fine,
it's fine, it's fine, honestly.
I-I got you a beer.
It might be a little bit,
little bit warm now, but yeah.
Oh, I saw you got sacked.
Yeah. Yeah, but you know what?
I'm better-better off
out of that place anyway.
Do you know what I mean?
Well, not-not financially or...
or professionally.
I'm just...
But hey, I'm fun-employed,
living life.
Is that, is that how you, like,
heard about this or...?
No, I saw the interview.
Right.
All right, okay.
Why didn't you say anything?
Don't know.
Um...
I was away at the start.
When I came back,
it just felt like
it had become this huge thing.
Yeah.
And everyone was
looking for me, and it was all just...
a bit much.
Nah, yeah.
Yeah, I could-could imagine.
It's all, it's all been a bit...
it's all been a bit mad.
Good evening, MCU.
How we doing tonight?
Amelie.
I mean, what... what is she,
French? What kind of name is that?
I mean, it's-it's pretty
similar to yours, to be honest.
And to get in touch
after all this time,
like, I mean, why, you know?
And the Electric Shuffle,
I mean, who suggests that
as a meeting place?
It's-it's so... organized fun,
and-and-and the lighting
is terrible,
and they have those fruity
beers, which he'll hate...
Okay, just stop. Stop.
Listen. Stop, please.
I know why you are helping him.
Yeah?
You're into that soft lad,
aren't you?
Yeah.
- No. No.
- Yeah, look at you. Yeah.
No, I'm not,
I'm not into anyone, okay?
I just... I actually have
a whole spiel about
how romantic attachment is
an evolutionary hangover.
I'm not gonna get into it right
now, but I'll probably just,
uh, sleep with this guy, so...
Sweet.
I'm Callum.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Stay, fragile tower of glass.
Stay.
Why do they have this?
This is playing with fire.
You decided what you're doing
after graduation yet?
It's all hanging in the balance.
Terribly exciting.
Well, you'll be okay.
I-I never worry about you.
There was
a time when I wanted so much
- for you to worry about me.
- Sorry?
What? No, no, no.
I meant I-I don't worry because,
you know, you're brilliant,
and you're clever,
and, you know, things
always work out for you.
You're a phoenix rising and...
Are we good?
You seem displeased.
At me.
I am. I am displeased.
I'm-I'm...
I'm displeased at myself.
Shit. I'm-I'm...
I think I made things weird,
and, you know,
I was trying
to make things okay,
and then I didn't,
and, you know, I don't know.
I'm...
I'm sorry.
And I'm sorry for these words.
Puke.
Honestly, Tristan, it, uh, it...
It doesn't matter.
Neck-deep in the ecosystem
of ancient Caledonian
pine trees.
I study geography.
Um...
Yeah, I love pine trees, me.
Did you ever want to go to uni?
Wasn't ever really a choice.
It was just, like...
I had no money,
and I-I didn't go to college.
I'm not really very academic.
But I've heard
there's different types
of, like, intelligence
and stuff, so...
Yeah, there are actually seven,
I think. My-my...
Oh, my God. It's you.
- What do you mean?
- You're the Email Guy, right?
Yeah.
Wait, are you Emily?
Like, the Emily?
- My name's Amelie.
- Amelie. Cool. Funny.
You know what?
- I need to tell the others.
- Nah, you don't.
- You don't need to tell anyone.
- Like... Emilys! Guys!
- Sorry. I'm really sorry.
- There's a bunch of us here.
And thank you, by the way.
We all met at the party.
So, uh, I think that's a cue
to call it a night, yeah?
Maybe another time.
Listen, I'm, uh, I'm really
sorry about, like, everything.
It's all just been a bit...
I never should've...
It's-it's cool.
Yeah. Yeah.
Right, well, maybe get yourself
a bodyguard.
Yeah. Yeah.
Right. See you around.
Yeah, that's, uh, way less
likely than you think, but...
Gonna be okay
getting home, yeah?
Come on.
Emily? Emily?
Oh, my God, shut up, mate!
Right.
- Stop it. Stop.
- Oh, crap.
Oi! Oi, oi, oi!
What are you doing?
Uh, just, uh, uh...
I don't know.
Owen! Oh, my God, bro!
- I love you.
- Thanks.
Ch-Cheers, man. Cheers. Thanks.
Are you trying
to break into the flat?
Uh... nah.
Nah, this is, uh...
I'm-I'm looking,
I'm looking for-for Emily.
She-she-she said she lives in...
- Our flat. Our flat.
- In that one maybe.
- "Our flat"? Wh... Oh.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
By the way,
she left just before us,
so she'll be back
probably, like, any minute.
- But shall we go inside?
- Y-Yeah, if that's okay.
Were you about to climb
the drainpipe?
Ah, yeah,
I was thinking about it.
Incredible scenes.
Do you want me
to take my shoes off, or...?
- No.
- Nah, you're good, man.
- All right.
- You're good.
- Tea? Tea?
- Mm-hmm.
- Nah, I'm good.
- God, I need a chamomile.
Mwah.
Could I use your toilet,
actually, if that's all right?
Yeah, sure.
It's just to the left.
Thanks.
Oh, my God,
we're out of chamomile.
No, it's in the top.
"What is madness?"
"Romantic attachment
self-sabotaging..."
And obviously
she ain't gonna have
social media.
Anyway, she's too cool, so...
You can't
know everything about someone
- in 20 minutes.
- Yeah, but
you know everything
you need to know, don't you?
No, people only tell you
what they want you to know.
It's not
what about you say, though.
It's... it's-it's
about the vibe.
My professor,
he wrote this amazing paper:
"Are we in love with the people in our lives..."
- Owen.
"or just our projections
of them?"
Love isn't something
that should be studied.
Well, actually,
a lot of people study love.
No, man,
you can't look at it too long.
Otherwise it'll just disappear.
Owen, I...
I was...
I was gonna tell you.
I actually, I-I... I went to
see you tonight to-to tell you.
It just started as this project
for my degree...
I wanted to tell you.
I was going to...
Um...
I'm Emily. Is Owen here?
Uh, no.
Thanks.
Could you just
tell him that I'm really sor...
Mate, look, it's done.
It's actually done.
You messed it up.
Okay, enough.
Come on.
Anna!
- I mean, you got 92.
- You got a first?
It's just the written mark.
I still need to do
my presentation.
So?
You could literally go there,
take a dump on the desk
- and still get a first or 92.
- Kyle.
Well, I'm not saying do that.
I'm just saying she could.
Hello. You've reached Owen.
Leave a message after the beep.
Okay, come on. There's-there's
got to be something we can do.
Here, have a fresh lemon.
There you go.
It's really nice.
No? Not the time?
Okay, Kyle, um, imagine
that I'd lied to you
and played a small but vital
role in making the whole world
think you're a psycho sex pest
and got you sacked.
How would I win back
your affection?
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
Gosh, it really is a tricky one.
Okay. Thanks, guys.
Super helpful.
Good morning.
Yes, that's right.
I'm Laura Lewis.
Today we're talking about
the ongoing destruction...
Actually, there's... there's
one more thing I can try.
Dean, we want to hear from you.
We've signed petitions.
We've held marches.
We want to know when
it will end. There is...
Sorry, just a small technical
going on here.
She's Emily.
Hi. I'm Laura Lewis, and
we are back with breaking news.
There are two sides
to every story.
And last week,
you'll remember our guest,
the infamous Owen, on his quest
to find dream girl Emily.
Today we are joined by
none other than Emily.
How is this still happening?
Emily, good to have you.
Welcome to the podcast.
- This is bad.
- This is not good.
Now, I just want to make
things clear, just to clarify.
You are not the Emily, are you?
Not dream girl Emily?
Uh, no.
No, fraid not.
From what you've just told me,
you are the Emily
who he trusted
to help him find her
and in the process was branded
a toxic incel?
A true crime Ed Sheeran?
A northern Don Juan?
The thirstiest man on campus...
- Dean.
- Do you see the sign?
- I'm on a bike break.
- You're gonna want to see this.
To what extent do you think
that his behavior actually
warranted this response?
Well, not-not at all.
I-I don't think
it's-it's warranted.
You feel at all responsible?
Very, yeah.
I've-I've been really selfish.
Look, he's blocked my number.
Oh, well, that sounds like
his first rational decision.
- So, what were you trying to prove by...
- Please.
I'm-I'm just here because I want
to apologize to him,
to everyone.
I know I've been an asshole.
No swearing, please.
We're pre-watershed.
Cheryl, the disclaimer.
Owen, if you're listening,
my final presentation
is tomorrow.
Please come.
I think it might help
clarify a few things.
And I really am very sorry,
but I think I can explain.
She hopes she can explain.
All will be revealed.
Tomorrow, 2:00 p.m.,
the Stoller Hall.
We'll be live on the ground
bringing the best coverage.
Follow us and follow me for more
at LauraLewisGlobalMedia.com.
Cheryl, run the tags.
I'm running the tags.
- The tags?
- Yeah.
Down below.
Comment, like, subscribe.
Thanks for watching.
Stay tuned for more.
I think you should go,
hear her out.
I might agree.
Yeah, well, I've heard enough
from her, actually.
Thanks a lot.
Can't get any worse.
Oh, yeah, well,
somehow it always does.
Listen, guys, thanks
for your interest and that,
but I'm not gonna go, okay?
So, did time stand still
with this one?
No, it didn't, actually.
It rushed past.
Well, there you go.
Don't bother, then.
Therefore, though
today's practices of self-care
are classified as
modern and innovative,
it's actually
a direct rephrasing
of ideas grounded in...
Is Owen here?
These theories take
a holistic approach,
embracing
the individual experience,
ideas of the psyche,
shadow work and spiritual
longing, which we would...
Nervous?
I've seen you moping about.
Whatever you're about to do,
don't.
Don't throw it all away
on a dopamine hit.
The fleeting rush of
telling someone, "I love you."
Actions have consequences.
A butterfly flaps its wings.
And so on.
And self-actualization.
Sound familiar? Thank you.
In your own time.
We are live.
We are here at Stoller Hall.
Emily Raine is about to speak.
Toni Morrison declared
romantic love to be
one of
the most destructive ideas
in the history of human thought.
I have been obsessed
with this idea.
My thesis sought to establish
a link between
romantic attachment
and self-sabotaging behavior.
"Madness," to quote Freud.
And I succeeded.
However, m-my findings are not
in response to my case study
but to my true subject:
myself.
In the latter stages
of my research,
it became apparent that I had...
fallen for
my original case study.
And in doing so,
made self-sabotage
a foregone conclusion.
One you're witnessing right now.
Owen didn't hack the system.
I gave him the emails.
- Emily. Emily, stop.
- I... I thought it wasn't cool
to-to disprove
my own hypothesis, and...
I was wrong.
And I'm-I'm sorry.
Romantic attachment may be
an evolutionary hangover,
but I-I think it's vital
for human connection and growth.
I know a-a psychologist cannot
accurately analyze themselves,
but it's my opinion
that it's impossible
to externally monitor love.
From the outside,
it all seems...
incoherent, illogical
and impractical,
and-and only from the inside
does it make complete sense.
I'm so sorry.
- There she goes.
- Mm.
Go and get him, Emily.
Owen!
Well, what was all that about?
Uh, I was trying to apologize.
But that wasn't for me, was it?
That was for them.
So you can get a first
or-or a visa or whatever.
Oh, no, we're gonna hear
the whole thing.
Are you kidding? I just... I
just threw a grenade at my life
doing a grand gesture,
trying to get your attention.
So you think grand gestures
is what I want?
- I want people to be honest with me.
- Wh...
Emily, that's what I want.
I want you to be honest with me.
Just tell me how you feel.
Well, I literally just said it
in front of
a whole room full of...
I like you.
I like...
I-I-I like how you always
ask questions,
and I-I like
how you tuck your hands
into your sleeves
when you're nervous.
And I-I like how you talk
so passionately
and so boringly about the,
about the Champions League.
And-and your relentlessly
positive outlook on love
is unwell,
but you make it seem healthy.
And you're... you're kind
and you're funny.
You make me laugh, and...
you made me see the world
in colors I never knew existed.
Think you might have
the wrong idea.
I've only come here
'cause, like,
I've got a message
from your dad.
So...
Right.
What happens now?
Did you get all of that?
Cute.
Okay. You're up.
All right, everyone say
"Emily!"
Emily!