Firewalker (1986) Movie Script
'Cause I want to find out
where we are, that's why!
You're driving.
You oughta know where we are!
Take a left.
No, I said left!
It's a desert, Leo.
What difference does it make?
Just once,
can't you do like I ask?
Relax, we're losing 'em.
Maybe they'll run out of gas.
I wish you hadn't said that.
I said left!
Two hundred stinkin' miles
of stinkin' desert,
and you gotta drive us
into a stinkin' pool of stinkin' water!
What do you figure
the odds are on this?
And I say they're bandits.
Nah, they couldn't be.
They would have killed us by now.
- Oh, no.
- The General.
Watch, he'll probably say
something stupid like,
"So, gentlemen, we meet again."
So, gentlemen, we meet again.
See?
You are responsible for this!
Hey, I can't take all the credit.
I mean, Leo here, he--
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Splendid!
A moment frozen in time.
It occurred to me
that to leave you gentlemen
here in this wretched heat,
with nothing to drink,
would be a cruel and merciless act.
In three hours,
your flesh will begin to blister.
Two hours later,
your tongues will swell.
And all that time,
you will be holding the liquid of life
in your very own hand.
And you'll still be bald.
Should you need anything,
gentlemen, just scream!
Max, there's something
I want to tell you.
What?
I really want you to know...
...that I blame you for this.
Oh, Max.
Hurry up, Max.
Something is crawling up my legs!
Leo, there's only so much I can do!
Quick!
They're crawling all over me!
Oh, quit bellyaching.
I'm getting us out of it, aren't I?
Got us into it, too.
Geez.
I'd like to see the look
on the General's face
when he sees us gone.
The only water we had,
and you had to break it.
Geez, that's gratitude for ya.
All I can think of
is a beer from Tubbs Bar.
But that's in Arizona--
5,000 miles from here.
Max, I'm quitting.
Again?
How many expeditions
have we been on together?
- Hundreds.
- Fifteen.
Fifteen, Max. In ten years.
And how many
have we made money on?
Three, Max. Only three.
That's not such a good average.
- Our average income--
- Leo...
you're being a teacher again.
It's a side of you I've never liked.
Max, we keep sticking our necks out,
and sooner or later,
somebody's gonna
chop our heads off.
What'll it be, sister?
May--may I have--
see your wine list, please?
I got it memorized.
You want white or red?
Red. Thank you.
My sources inform me that this place
is frequented by men of...
shall we say,
questionable character.
- No, here?
- Yes.
I need men of undying loyalty--
brave, not too smart.
Two men, end of the bar.
Tell 'em I said you was okay.
Come on, Leo.
You don't want to go back to being
cooped up in a classroom again, do ya?
The bartender says I'm okay.
That's good enough for me.
Good.
This is gonna be
easier than I thought.
- Hello, I'm Patricia Goodwin.
- Max Donigan, Leo Porter.
Hello.
Gentlemen, I have
a business proposition for you.
But I must warn you,
the men I hire
need to be very brave.
Well, we...
laugh in the face of death,
right, Leo?
Now it won't be easy.
It might even be dangerous.
But it could be worth
a lot of money.
Money?
Money.
You see, I've recently
acquired a map,
and I'm convinced
it leads to a great amount of gold.
What's the location?
An Indian reservation
not far from here near the border.
Help me find the gold,
and we'll split it--50/50.
What makes you sure that
that map of yours is authentic?
There must be gold there
because someone's willing to kill for it.
And who might that be?
I don't know,
but he's very dangerous.
Well, there is one other thing,
but you're probably
not gonna believe me.
No, no, we'll believe it.
The man who wants the map--
he isn't really a man.
But he's--he looks like...
...a cyclops.
- Cyclops?
- A red one.
Red cyclops, man.
With long black hair.
See, I knew you
wouldn't believe me.
Oh, yeah, yeah...
we believe you.
It's just that...
there are certain things
that are out of our league.
Dragons and sea serpents.
Red cyclops.
Please, take a look at the map.
You can see it's authentic.
I'm telling you the truth.
Keep your heads down!
See, I told you so!
This way! Come on!
Come on, Patricia! Come on!
Come on, Leo!
So, we're anchored, see?
It is so still--
I mean, not a ripple.
It's so quiet, it's scary.
All of a sudden,
up comes this gigantic wave,
and we sink like a rock.
Well, I start swimming towards shore.
All of a sudden,
something bumps my leg.
- I think shark, right?
- Right.
- You know what it was?
- Porpoise.
Anyway, I grab his fin,
and the porpoise and I,
we take off for shore.
...but there are no bears
in the Himalayas,
so it must be Bigfoot.
Well, I figure it's him or me.
Now, a female lion--
she'll stalk you for days--
Max?
- We're here.
- Where?
Up there.
Yeah, it would be.
If it's all the same to you,
I think I'll head back now.
Afraid of a little climb?
This is a sacred place.
You should not stay here.
Vaya con dios.
Hey, Max.
Maybe he's right.
You worry too much, Leo.
Let's go.
Give me your hand.
Okay, honey.
- Come on!
- I got it! I got it!
I got it! I got it!
I got it.
Come on.
There better be
some gold up here.
- Get your butt...
- I'm coming, I'm coming.
- Don't let go.
- Come on!
I can do it.
There's no cave here.
Hell, we made this climb for nothing.
No, it's here.
Behind that tree.
Wait!
- We can't go in.
- Why not?
There's someone in there.
You saw something?
No, but...I'm sure there's
some old people in there...sleeping.
Well, we'll be real quiet.
Wonder how far it goes.
Hello!
Hello!
It's like a burial ground.
Old people...
sleeping.
Well, it's a bust.
Hey, Max, Patricia's gone.
I swear I'm gonna
get a leash for that woman.
Patricia!
Hey, you guys, I'm in here!
Welcome, gentlemen.
I really don't believe this.
Hey, what's this?
Wow...Aztec, Mayan...
There's a date...
1527, but it doesn't
make any sense.
What about this?
Oh, that's 16th century.
Spanish conquistador.
How about you, pal?
Can you tell us anything?
Nope, I didn't think so.
Look what I found.
I knew it!
I knew we'd find something!
Oh, man, that's the real deal.
Look at that.
It's beautiful.
But it's not the gold
we were looking for.
Don't be so pessimistic.
It's a hell of a start, though.
I don't understand it.
I'm so sure...
I'm gonna keep looking, you guys.
Wait, wait, wait!
"A moment frozen in time."
What is that?
- How the hell should I know?
- Shoot him.
Shoot it!
Damn... you know, you are
the worst shot I have ever seen.
Hell, I could have
hit him from there, too.
Cover!
He's got us pinned down.
I don't think there's
any more of 'em.
Lucky you're into knives.
One shot left.
- Oh, maybe you'd better let me do it.
- No, I can do it.
Nice shot.
Come on!
Drop the knife.
Step away from the girl.
Geez, I didn't tell him to jump.
Both--this is Aztec,
and here's the Mayan Sun God.
And he appears again
on the dagger, see?
Now, these hieroglyphics,
they give us the date 1527.
Aztecs...
Mayans...
Spaniards...
all on an Indian reservation.
It doesn't jive.
- El coyote.
- Who?
There is an Indian
on the reservation
who claims to be descended
from an Aztec priest,
but he's a very dangerous man.
Even to his people,
he's bad medicine.
However, there is another
that might be of help.
Who's that?
If only I could
remember his name.
Might as well take it all.
It'll solve a lot of time.
He's an old shaman
named Tall Eagle.
Honey. I'll meet you down
at the television studio.
Oh. no. now wait for me. honey.
I'm going with you.
Now you just wait.
- Lucy. isn't that the--
- Yes. it is.
I got to thinking it was silly for
both of us to take our dresses back.
As long as Ethel
was taking hers back.
there was no reason
for me to take mine back.
- T all Eagle?
- I didn't say a word.
I'll go get Mrs. Trumbull
to stay with Little Ricky.
- Ricky?
- What?
- I don't know why he puts up with her.
- Do you think Ethel will be mad at me?
I wouldn't be surprised
if she punched you right in the nose.
If she were mine,
I'd cut off her nose.
- This is for you.
- For me?
Snake bite.
We have lots of those around.
When white men bring gifts,
it means they
want something in return.
You got that right, brother.
They say that you know
a lot about Apache history.
You want me to tell stories.
That's what I do best.
Take a load off.
Many winters ago...
the white eyes gave us this land
for as long as the grass grows
and the water flows.
But as you can see,
we got screwed.
What are you getting at?
I think he wants
a piece of the action.
No, not me.
The Great Spirit.
Okay, we'll give your tribe...
...twenty percent of anything we find.
Twenty percent?
Two percent. Two.
Okay, twenty percent
if the information pays off.
We want to hear about an Aztec priest
who got here in the 16th century.
Do you know the story?
- You'll tell us.
- I'll tell you.
But you're probably
not going to believe me.
I know just how you feel.
Come with me.
He was called Firewalker...
because his soul
could fly to the sun.
He would gather his power,
and his power...
oh, was great.
- What was I talking about?
- The firewalker.
Oh, yes.
Now I remember.
It was the Spaniards.
They came in search of
the firewalker's gold.
What happened to the firewalker?
Legend says he flew to the sun...
...there to walk
among the fire forever.
This is the story of the firewalker.
It's all I know.
That's it? That's our big lead?
Beware of the coyote.
He is very treacherous and powerful.
I don't care about coyotes.
I want to know where the gold is.
If I knew that,
I'd go get it myself.
- Twenty percent?
- Don't blame me.
Wait.
Soon, many spirits
will come to speak to you.
Some will be evil and very strong.
This will help protect you
from the evil spirits.
What is it?
It's dust, bones, magic.
Thank you.
I don't know how Tonto did it.
Okay, we've got gold,
human sacrifice,
the dagger and the sun.
Gin.
- We're playing poker.
- Oh.
Max.
The Spanish conquered
the Aztecs in 1522.
Now, the date
on this painting says 1527.
According to your theory,
it took Aztec priests five years
to get here from somewhere
in Central America.
All I know is,
if that gold isn't in that cave,
then it has to be somewhere else.
Right, right--now, we've got half of
Central America to choose from.
Where would you like to start?
You're so smart.
San Miguel?
Right in between
Aztec and Mayan country.
You believe in witches, Leo?
I bring a potion from Tall Eagle.
He has cast a spell
to protect you from evil.
I never turn down a good potion.
Heady stuff.
Max, you son of a bitch! Wake up!
Good night...coyote.
How is he?
He's sleeping like a baby.
He's been drugged, though.
I thought this trip was
the most important thing in my life.
But if anything happens
to you or Max...
Then it would be
our fault, not yours.
Look, if we weren't out there
chasing that pot of gold,
I'd be somewhere
chasing another one.
- It's what we do.
- Is the money really worth it?
- Not so far.
- Then why do you do it?
Because Max does.
He has a way of
getting things out of me
that I never knew I had in me.
Okay, so you do it
because he does it,
and he does it because
he wants to find buried treasure.
It's not the finding that Max thrives on.
It's the looking.
- Even though it's so dangerous.
- Because it's so dangerous.
Look, if you want
to turn back, it's okay.
If we find anything,
you'll still get your share.
No, I can't do that.
It's very complicated, Leo,
but this is something
that I have to do.
Besides, you guys'll take care of me.
Sure, if you get killed,
we won't owe you a dime.
Well, hey, a girl can't ask
for a better deal than that.
Well, we better get some sleep.
He's gonna be hell to catch up with
when he wakes up.
I'm gonna stay with him
just a little while.
But she was here.
I know she was here!
There's no way out!
- Man, this is getting too weird.
- Yeah, let's get out of here.
Back home, right?
Nope. San Miguel.
We're gonna find that gold.
Wait a minute.
I've got something to say about this.
There's some
weird people around--very weird.
We'd better get home--
all the way.
"San Miguel covers an area
of 21,000 square miles.
"The terrain is largely mountainous,
with areas of heavy jungle.
"Farming is the major industry
with bananas as the main export,
and the language is Spanish."
? Que pasa?
-? Que pasa?
- Nada. Senor. nada.
What is happening?
It's a tiny fire in the engine.
It's nothing, Senor.
We're landing, anyway.
Great flight, huh?
I think I got his good side.
This is the big one, Leo.
I feel it in my bones.
Come on, Leo.
You'll feel better
when we get to the hotel.
I'm sure it's a lot nicer
on the inside.
I bet they've got a great bar.
- What the hell?
- Come on, Leo, cheer up.
I'm telling you,
this could be the big one.
We've lost control of this one.
We are not coming back.
- What makes you say a thing like that?
- My instincts, damn it!
If you felt that way,
why did you come?
Because you did.
I knew you were
gonna blame this on me.
Do you want me to go back, Leo?
Is that what you want?
Yes!
- Well, I'm not going to.
- That's what I thought you'd say.
Idiot.
Then stop acting
like a dadgum sissy!
I am no sissy.
Don't you call me that anymore.
I am no sissy!
I swear, you're getting as bad
as that fruitcake girl!
I'm gonna see this thing through.
Anytime you want out,
just say so!
I might just do that,
you know?
- That's fine with me!
- I just might do that.
Good!
Fruitcake? I'm a fruitcake?
- Are the walls that thin?
- No, your mouth is that big.
Let me tell you something, bucko.
I happen to be a highly educated,
open-minded person
with an I.Q. that will put
that pea brain of yours in a cellar.
So the next time you start
blowing hot air and playing the hero,
just remember,
if it wasn't for me,
you wouldn't be here.
Call me for dinner.
Wow.
- One or two of them?
- I don't care.
Well, let's flip for it.
- Heads or tails?
- Tails.
- Mademoiselle.
- Excuse me.
Why don't you
show the picture around?
We'll get the drinks.
I think I'll make me
some new friends.
Muchas gracias.
Twenty bucks for these drinks.
Sure glad it's your money.
Look, if you're still mad
because I called you a fruitcake,
I really didn't mean it.
It's not the first time.
Maybe I am a little nutty.
Well, if you are,
you're the prettiest nut I've ever seen.
Is that your idea of flattery,
Mr. Donigan?
I reckon.
I guess I would like
to know you better, though.
What would you like to know?
I don't know.
How about something... intimate.
Intimate?
Okay.
Ever since I was a child,
I've had visions.
I'd see things,
and then they'd happen.
That scared me,
so I learned to tune it out
until I found this map.
Since then,
everything's been going crazy.
The images have
really been frightening.
That's why I'm here...
to understand
what's happened to me.
Is that intimate enough for you?
I was expecting something simple,
you know, like maybe
you...slept in the nude
or something.
I do.
- Did you get anything?
- Does hostility count?
Well, I'm gonna have to
show you how it's done.
- Just be subtle, okay?
- No sweat.
Twenty dollars American
for information!
Max.
I don't think you should be waving
that money around in public like this.
Fifty dollars!
Fifty dollars!
One hundred dollars
for information!
One hundred dollars, American!
Sold!
- Ludlow Boggs.
- Max Donigan.
What brings you to San Miguel,
Mr. Donigan?
- We're on a--
- Archaeological expedition.
Yeah, right.
Into the interior?
Not bloody likely.
You'll be shot on sight.
The government isn't letting
anyone in without official clearance.
How well do you know this country?
Well enough.
Oh, I'd never go into the jungle.
However, I know somebody who does.
There was mention
of a hundred dollars, American.
When we hear what we're buying.
Fair enough.
There's a small village
200 miles from here in the interior.
- Name?
- Chajal.
Find a man named Gutierrez.
He's the best guide in the country.
Tell him I sent you.
Take you to Hell for the right money.
Ta very much.
Toodaloo.
Wasn't that easy?
He said your mother was a pig
and your father was a dog.
Did he mention my sister?
He's just looking for trouble.
I don't feel like rotting in some
Godawful prison over some bar fight.
I second that.
He said you have
sexual relationships with goats.
No, no, wait.
Let me talk to him.
Oh, no, no!
What are you doing?
I'll handle this.
Oh, no!
He's gonna get hurt.
No, he's just working out
his frustrations.
How's it going?
I'm wearing him down.
Oh, Max.
I--I may have been too rash.
Yep.
!Alto!
!Alto!
Doesn't feel good, does it?
Say good night.
I never realized
what a spunky devil you are.
I hate fighting.
Hold this.
Max, watch out!
- Are you all right?
- Fine, fine.
Hell.
I'm doing all right.
- Want this gum back?
- No, I got some.
You guys make friends like this
everywhere you go?
At least we got a lead out of it.
What good does it do?
You heard Boggs.
They're never gonna
let us into the interior.
We were lucky
to get out of that bar alive.
Don't worry about a thing.
I got a plan.
It won't work.
- You haven't even heard it yet.
- I'm playing the odds.
- Oh, geez.
- Oh, Jesus.
They're going to Chajal tomorrow.
Going to meet a man named Gutierrez.
- Girl going with them?
- Looks that way.
Good.
I get my payoff now, right?
You want your payoff now?
No, no...
Forget about the money.
Please, no...
I don't believe this.
I just don't believe this.
What if they ask us for our papers?
- What if they do?
- We don't have any papers, Max.
Just act wise and holy.
I hope there's a dining car.
How many pictures
does one person need?
I thought priests
were supposed to be tee-totalers.
I thought nuns
were supposed to be virgins.
Subtlety's not one of
your strong suits, is it?
Leo's the subtle one.
I'm in charge of...
charm.
Max Donigan, if you're
trying to make a pass,
I appreciate the gesture, but...
I hardly think we're dressed for it.
Yeah, I know, but...
you know,
you really do look...
...good.
Thank you...
I think.
!Alto!
!Alto!
? Que pasa?? Que pasa?
Senor! Senor!
What's going on?
We're picking up some soldiers.
Probably just routine questioning.
I don't like the routine.
Maybe they won't get to us.
Si.
He wants to see our papers.
He wants us to follow him...rapido.
No problem.
Just play dumb.
I thought we were playing
wise and holy.
You try wise and holy,
I'll try dumb.
What about me?
- Look virginal.
- Look virginal.
He wants us
to deliver the last rites.
- We can do that.
- But they'll never buy it, Max.
You just have to do a convincing job.
Me? Why me?
I don't know anything
about this stuff!
Don't even think about it.
- Here, it's your plan. You do it.
- You're just being petty.
- Is that so?
- Yes!
- Say something in Latin.
- I don't know any Latin, Max.
You think they do?
Gracias.
Ax-may, this is all a your alt-fay,
you stupid-ay erk-jay.
- Amen.
- Amen.
Amen.
She found his papers.
It's only a superficial wound.
He's not going to die.
!Padre!!Gracias. Padre!
It's a miracle.
She thinks we did it.
He wants you to bless him.
E pluribus unum.
!Gracias!!Gracias!
!Muchas gracias. Padre!
What'd I tell you? Piece of cake.
Never a cab when you need one.
I'd feel a whole lot better
if I could see some people
around here, wouldn't you?
Depends on who they are.
Come on, you guys.
Okay, you guys, smile.
All right, little closer.
All right, now serious.
- Let's go find Chajal.
- Yep.
I hope they have
a good restaurant there.
I'm starving.
She hasn't quite
figured it out yet, has she?
When she does,
you get to explain it to her.
They've ransacked this place.
There's not a soul around.
So much for...
what's his name?
- Gutierrez.
- Yeah.
I heard something.
Just your imagination.
- Here comes my imagination.
- Run for the banana field!
You know, you almost
got me killed back there.
That's gratitude for you.
- Thank you.
- Anytime.
Max? Leo?
Sir, I'm afraid
you've got the wrong idea.
I'm not a nun. See?
I'm an American.
My name is Patricia Goodwin.
I'm a legal secretary
from Los Angeles,
and I know you're
probably not gonna believe it,
but I'm down here visiting friends.
See? No nun!
Senorita.
Okay, Manuel, run away!
Run away!
Beat it!
Give me that thing.
- Where'd you get it, anyway?
- It's a gift from an old lover.
What?
We better get out of here
before those soldiers show up.
Nah, they've given up
on us by now.
I figure we've got about...
...twelve miles to the nearest town.
Is anybody hungry here
besides me?
Unless we can find Gutierrez.
Maybe we can find a guide there.
How much gold
do you think we'll find?
Tell me, Leo...
...if you had lots of money,
what would you do?
Buy a sailboat, I guess.
Sail around the world.
You gotta be kidding.
All the globe-hopping we've done,
and you want to sail around the world.
Just once.
Just once,
I want to do it in style.
No deserts, no jun--
No mosquitoes.
No guns.
Just sandy beaches,
sipping champagne
in fine restaurants,
gambling in casinos,
and women.
Man, I can't wait.
I don't remember inviting you.
You will.
Is there a shorter route
to this damn village?
Yes.
Hey! Don't wander off!
I'm gonna crash.
Okay, okay, I'm awake.
Damn it, Leo, I said--
It's gonna be one of those days.
Move!
- What if they find the dagger?
- The hell with the dagger.
We've gotta save our lives.
They're trying to decide
what to do with us.
Indecision...that's a good sign.
Got 'em just where we want 'em.
Stay cool, Leo.
No matter what happens,
let's just keep our heads.
We need a new plan.
Don't you think
it's a little late for that, Max?
Prepare to die, Yankees.
- He said--
- I know what he said.
What's he waiting on?
Are you in a hurry, Max?
I always said you were
too pretty for jungle work, Max.
Corky?
Hey, cut 'em free.
!Por mis amigos!
- Salud.
- Salud.
Yeah, it was right after Nam,
some snot nosed little second looey
had me kicked out of the corps.
- What'd you do?
- Only thing I could do.
I cut off the little bastard's ears.
I got 'em in a pickle jar.
Wanna see?
So, I kicked some butts
over in Africa for a while,
till the money ran out.
- How'd you get here?
- Blind chance.
Came down here on a drug run.
Heard about the fighting.
They got one rule down here.
- You can have what you can take.
- Plenty, right?
Right! Hell, they're killing each other--
I'm getting rich!
- Sounds dangerous.
- Nah, piece of cake.
Go on--he ain't never danced
with a girl before.
Hell, she's a looker.
What'll you take for her?
She's not for sale.
Watch this careful, now.
Give me room, son.
Give me room.
Goddamnit,
that son of a bitch moved!
He goddamn moved!
- No...
- Go on!
Hope you got life insurance!
Quiet! I can't concentrate.
Goddamn it,
he didn't move for you!
- I did it!
- He moved for me!
- I'm not playing with you anymore!
- Poor sport!
Biting the hand that fed you!
Those sons of bitches dropped us
right in the middle of a hornet's nest.
So...
...after four hours of fightin',
me and Max is the only ones
in the squad that ain't hit.
Guess what happens next?
They give up!
We whupped 'em so hard,
they must have thought
there was a thousand of us!
Oh, we had us some times, Max.
- You was a pretty good grunt.
- You made me that way.
Oh, hell, wasn't nothin' I did.
You got the charm, boy.
Can't nothin' kill you
if you got the charm.
Why don't you
stick around a while, Max?
It'd be great
fightin' side by side again.
I can't.
That's what I figured.
How long you gonna
hang around here, Corky?
Isn't it time you packed it up
and headed home?
This is my home.
You gonna spend
the rest of your life in the jungle?
Oh, hell, this is
just temporary... till I'm king.
What's so damn funny about it?
He didn't mean anything by it.
A man's gotta have
a goal in life, don't he?
I aim to give these people leadership!
What if they don't want it?
You know,
I never thought about that!
You think my idea's crazy,
don't you, Leo?
Could get you killed.
Well, now, dying ain't somethin'
I worry about, Leo.
You know why?
You see, I got the charm, too.
You'll never let me go
that far, will you, Leo?
- No, I won't.
- Glad you're here.
I'm glad you're my partner.
- You really mean that?
- Yeah, I do.
In that case, you can
come on my sailing trip.
I accept your invitation.
- Sandy beaches.
- Luxurious hotels.
Fine restaurants.
- And...women!
- And...women!
What do you think, Max?
This is my command vehicle!
I want you to
go out of here in style.
- She's a terror in the jungle.
- I bet she is.
- Bye-bye, Cork.
- Bye-bye.
Hey, now, listen, Max.
You'll need this.
You stick to the low jungle,
and look, you can have this back.
- Watch your back.
- You, too, Corky.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Oh, wait, wait, wait!
!Presente!!Presente!
Do you think
you'll ever see him again?
No.
Which one are we gonna eat first?
Oh, Max, that's disgusting.
Leo, stop the car!
That's horrible! Stop it!
Oh, poor babies.
Get them out of here!
Max, that's disgusting.
And that's when we
stumbled onto the Zulu war party.
- The hunting party.
- Right.
A heavily armed
Zulu hunting party.
That wasn't Zulu.
They were pygmies.
Right. Pygmy cannibals.
Must have been a hundred of them.
Oh, maybe about twenty.
Leo, if you don't let me tell this,
it's not gonna be worth hearing.
- Where was I?
- Pygmy cannibals.
Right...anyway,
I don't speak Zulu or pygmy...
- Or cannibal.
- Not even cannibal.
Definitely not cannibal.
Oh, God!
Howwonderful!
Might as well
camp here tonight, huh?
You guys can make camp.
I'm gonna take a bath.
No, you're not.
Come on, give me
one good reason why not.
One good reason.
I think I better go
wash these dishes.
I think we're getting
real close, don't you?
Yeah, I feel a real bond between us.
No, silly, I mean to the gold.
Oh...yeah, we should be there
sometime tomorrow.
That is, if we're not off course.
- You mean we may be lost?
- No, just off course.
- What's the difference?
- Attitude.
You like this life, don't you?
Yeah, I guess so. Why?
I don't know...
jungles, deserts, caves.
It all sort of seems scary to me.
What scares you, Max?
Suits.
Alarm clocks.
Apartment buildings.
Oh, my God, it's blood.
Look.
Do you think it was the crocodile?
How the hell should I know?
He had a feeling about this trip.
But I wouldn't listen.
It's not your fault, Max.
It is my fault!
This whole idea was stupid!
Stupid!
What are we gonna do?
Go back.
No. No, we can't.
I said we're going back,
and that's it!
- What about the gold?
- There is no gold.
There is, too. I know it!
Max, it's normal for you
to feel this way, but--
Look! Don't talk to me about normal.
I don't need any advice from a...
A what?
A fruitcake?
Witch woman? Lunatic?
Go ahead, Max,
I've heard it all before.
Yeah, I'm different.
You think I like feeling that way?
But, damn it,
I know there's gold there.
Either I'm right, or I'm crazy.
But I'm gonna find out which,
with or without your help.
You won't make it alone.
I will, too.
So will you.
Who cares?
Damn you, Leo!
Damn you.
This looks like
a good place to cross.
- How do you know?
- It's my job to know.
- Damn.
- What's happening?
We're sinking.
Get out! Swim for shore!
Come on!
What's the matter?
Can't you swim?
Of course I can swim!
Oh, God.
Barely.
I hate the water.
Nothing like a morning swim
to get the old circulation
going, right, Max?
Yeah, right.
Nothing like a brisk walk
after a morning swim.
It's the temple.
It's the picture from the cave.
I knew it, Max! We found it!
We're close to the gold, Max.
I can feel it.
Look! Over here!
- It's sealed.
- There's another one over here!
This one's sealed, too.
There's got to be an entrance.
A moving wall or a trap
in the floor or something.
- What about an open door?
- That would be a refreshing change.
Come over here.
What the hell's going on?
This was sealed tight.
Yeah, well, it's open now.
Wait... there's something in there.
I hope so.
I'm sorry,
I guess I'm just a little jumpy.
Don't feel bad.
I didn't even hit it.
You're not very good
with that, are you?
Here, you take it.
- Ugly sucker.
- Max, look at this.
The way in
is no longer the way out.
So what do we do now?
Well, you found a way in.
Find a way out.
Oh, sure, blame me.
If I remember correctly,
I was the one who said,
"Don't go in there.
There's something in there."
But would you listen to me? Oh, no.
You did it.
Oh, my God!
It's Leo!
You're not dead!
- We thought you were dead.
- We thought you were dead, Leo.
Don't worry, I'll get you down.
- Stay there.
- No, Max, go back.
What are you
doing up there, anyway?
Never mind.
It doesn't matter.
The only thing that matters
is you're alive.
Max, you're so stupid.
You never listen to a word I say.
Never!
Welcome, brave one.
We've been expecting you.
Meet the red cyclops.
Drop your gun in the water.
Now!
Oh, no.
You have something of mine.
And as you see,
I have something of yours.
What's more important?
Treasure, or the life of your friend?
Max, give him the knife.
I grow impatient, brave one.
If he goes, so does this.
Oh, no!
Give it to him!
Okay, okay,
back off a minute, will ya?
Hang on, Leo.
That's great advice.
Real inspirational.
Max, my legs are getting tired!
All right.
These are my terms.
I'll give you the dagger,
but we go free.
I have no need for you.
It is agreed.
In fact, the girl can go now.
- Okay, take off.
- No, I'm staying with you.
- I said beat it!
- No!
- Yes!
- Will you agree on something?
All right...I'll go.
Thank you very much.
- Be careful.
- Words to live by.
You fool!
You thought you were
protecting the girl.
And all along,
you were bringing her to me.
I will sacrifice her.
With her blood, I will gather
the power of the firewalker.
And my spirit will fly to the sun.
Spirit this.
But for this, I would have
killed you long ago.
You held the power
of my ancestors in your hands.
But all you could see
was the treasure.
I leave you to the gods.
I've gotta find a way in.
Max, try.
You can make it.
Like you always say...
...I never listen to you.
I'm coming, you guys.
W-w-what's that?
He's gonna flood the place.
If there's ever a time
for a plan, it's now, Max.
I don't like the looks of this.
Oh, Max.
This is crazy!
This is the stupidest thing
we've ever done.
Stop being such a pessimist.
Excuse me--I guess being
all trussed up and broiled like a lobster
naturally puts a damper
on my spirits!
Swing harder!
You gonna make me
do all the work?
Come on, Leo, use your legs!
Kill me. Get it over with.
No...
Soon, it will be time for you
to help me gather the power.
Did I mention that
this is a stupid plan?
Did I mention that
this is all your fault?
Put this on.
What did you do with my friends?
Come on, Leo!
It's a piece of cake!
Put this on.
- Swing your legs, Leo!
- I'm trying, damn it!
We gotta make that ledge!
- Harder! Harder!
- I can't!
That's the way,
that's the way.
- No strength left.
- Harder, Leo!
- I can't!
- You're a sissy, Leo!
The world's tallest sissy!
Major league wimp!
You son of a bitch!
- Attaboy!
- I'm gonna kill you!
You're gonna make it!
You're gonna make it!
Come on!
- Let's go find Patricia.
- Okay.
When the gods are appeased...
...I will have the power
of my ancestors.
Damn it.
That's the only other way.
Hurry, Leo.
Come on!
Come on!
I have waited long.
I will wait no longer.
He's got Patricia.
- I hit him.
- I don't believe it.
Hey, that's gratitude for you.
Are you okay?
Piece of cake.
Nowwhat?
Now we find the gold.
- Back inside the temple?
- I don't think so.
The sun...that's it--
it's behind that.
I've got it!
You guys! Come here!
She did it again!
You guys...
- Sure dark down there.
- I'll get you a torch.
Come on, let's go.
Come on, Leo.
- Hey, hey, Max.
- What?
- Were you really worried about me?
- No, not really.
But if you ever do it again,
I'm gonna kick your dadgum butt.
Here's your sailboat.
Thank you very much.
What's that all about?
Well, fruitcake...you did it.
I wasn't crazy, was I?
- No.
- No.
Come on, you two,
let's get this stuff packed.
You look better in white.
Hey, since we're on a roll,
let's go to Vegas.
I think I'll buy the Barbary Coast Hotel.
- Real estate's where it's at, man.
- I want my own business.
I wonder if Bloomingdale's is for sale.
Where'd you park the car?
Down by the river.
Come on, let's see
how tough you are.
Come on.
He's not so damn tough.
Let's get the hell out of here.
Thank you, Tall Eagle.
Good night, Coyote.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, nothing.
Everything's just fine.
Has this been a long day or what?
Man, is this a beautiful day or what?
Okay, you guys, smile.
Great. I'm starving.
Yes, sir, the last time
we were in Fiji,
we almost got strung up
by a voodoo witch doctor.
- You remember that, Leo?
- I remember.
All that dangerous stuff's
behind us now, right?
Gone forever.
Right...to the future.
To the future!
- Waiter? More champagne.
- Yes, sir.
From now on, life is gonna be
one big piece of cake.
So, gentlemen, we meet again.
where we are, that's why!
You're driving.
You oughta know where we are!
Take a left.
No, I said left!
It's a desert, Leo.
What difference does it make?
Just once,
can't you do like I ask?
Relax, we're losing 'em.
Maybe they'll run out of gas.
I wish you hadn't said that.
I said left!
Two hundred stinkin' miles
of stinkin' desert,
and you gotta drive us
into a stinkin' pool of stinkin' water!
What do you figure
the odds are on this?
And I say they're bandits.
Nah, they couldn't be.
They would have killed us by now.
- Oh, no.
- The General.
Watch, he'll probably say
something stupid like,
"So, gentlemen, we meet again."
So, gentlemen, we meet again.
See?
You are responsible for this!
Hey, I can't take all the credit.
I mean, Leo here, he--
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Splendid!
A moment frozen in time.
It occurred to me
that to leave you gentlemen
here in this wretched heat,
with nothing to drink,
would be a cruel and merciless act.
In three hours,
your flesh will begin to blister.
Two hours later,
your tongues will swell.
And all that time,
you will be holding the liquid of life
in your very own hand.
And you'll still be bald.
Should you need anything,
gentlemen, just scream!
Max, there's something
I want to tell you.
What?
I really want you to know...
...that I blame you for this.
Oh, Max.
Hurry up, Max.
Something is crawling up my legs!
Leo, there's only so much I can do!
Quick!
They're crawling all over me!
Oh, quit bellyaching.
I'm getting us out of it, aren't I?
Got us into it, too.
Geez.
I'd like to see the look
on the General's face
when he sees us gone.
The only water we had,
and you had to break it.
Geez, that's gratitude for ya.
All I can think of
is a beer from Tubbs Bar.
But that's in Arizona--
5,000 miles from here.
Max, I'm quitting.
Again?
How many expeditions
have we been on together?
- Hundreds.
- Fifteen.
Fifteen, Max. In ten years.
And how many
have we made money on?
Three, Max. Only three.
That's not such a good average.
- Our average income--
- Leo...
you're being a teacher again.
It's a side of you I've never liked.
Max, we keep sticking our necks out,
and sooner or later,
somebody's gonna
chop our heads off.
What'll it be, sister?
May--may I have--
see your wine list, please?
I got it memorized.
You want white or red?
Red. Thank you.
My sources inform me that this place
is frequented by men of...
shall we say,
questionable character.
- No, here?
- Yes.
I need men of undying loyalty--
brave, not too smart.
Two men, end of the bar.
Tell 'em I said you was okay.
Come on, Leo.
You don't want to go back to being
cooped up in a classroom again, do ya?
The bartender says I'm okay.
That's good enough for me.
Good.
This is gonna be
easier than I thought.
- Hello, I'm Patricia Goodwin.
- Max Donigan, Leo Porter.
Hello.
Gentlemen, I have
a business proposition for you.
But I must warn you,
the men I hire
need to be very brave.
Well, we...
laugh in the face of death,
right, Leo?
Now it won't be easy.
It might even be dangerous.
But it could be worth
a lot of money.
Money?
Money.
You see, I've recently
acquired a map,
and I'm convinced
it leads to a great amount of gold.
What's the location?
An Indian reservation
not far from here near the border.
Help me find the gold,
and we'll split it--50/50.
What makes you sure that
that map of yours is authentic?
There must be gold there
because someone's willing to kill for it.
And who might that be?
I don't know,
but he's very dangerous.
Well, there is one other thing,
but you're probably
not gonna believe me.
No, no, we'll believe it.
The man who wants the map--
he isn't really a man.
But he's--he looks like...
...a cyclops.
- Cyclops?
- A red one.
Red cyclops, man.
With long black hair.
See, I knew you
wouldn't believe me.
Oh, yeah, yeah...
we believe you.
It's just that...
there are certain things
that are out of our league.
Dragons and sea serpents.
Red cyclops.
Please, take a look at the map.
You can see it's authentic.
I'm telling you the truth.
Keep your heads down!
See, I told you so!
This way! Come on!
Come on, Patricia! Come on!
Come on, Leo!
So, we're anchored, see?
It is so still--
I mean, not a ripple.
It's so quiet, it's scary.
All of a sudden,
up comes this gigantic wave,
and we sink like a rock.
Well, I start swimming towards shore.
All of a sudden,
something bumps my leg.
- I think shark, right?
- Right.
- You know what it was?
- Porpoise.
Anyway, I grab his fin,
and the porpoise and I,
we take off for shore.
...but there are no bears
in the Himalayas,
so it must be Bigfoot.
Well, I figure it's him or me.
Now, a female lion--
she'll stalk you for days--
Max?
- We're here.
- Where?
Up there.
Yeah, it would be.
If it's all the same to you,
I think I'll head back now.
Afraid of a little climb?
This is a sacred place.
You should not stay here.
Vaya con dios.
Hey, Max.
Maybe he's right.
You worry too much, Leo.
Let's go.
Give me your hand.
Okay, honey.
- Come on!
- I got it! I got it!
I got it! I got it!
I got it.
Come on.
There better be
some gold up here.
- Get your butt...
- I'm coming, I'm coming.
- Don't let go.
- Come on!
I can do it.
There's no cave here.
Hell, we made this climb for nothing.
No, it's here.
Behind that tree.
Wait!
- We can't go in.
- Why not?
There's someone in there.
You saw something?
No, but...I'm sure there's
some old people in there...sleeping.
Well, we'll be real quiet.
Wonder how far it goes.
Hello!
Hello!
It's like a burial ground.
Old people...
sleeping.
Well, it's a bust.
Hey, Max, Patricia's gone.
I swear I'm gonna
get a leash for that woman.
Patricia!
Hey, you guys, I'm in here!
Welcome, gentlemen.
I really don't believe this.
Hey, what's this?
Wow...Aztec, Mayan...
There's a date...
1527, but it doesn't
make any sense.
What about this?
Oh, that's 16th century.
Spanish conquistador.
How about you, pal?
Can you tell us anything?
Nope, I didn't think so.
Look what I found.
I knew it!
I knew we'd find something!
Oh, man, that's the real deal.
Look at that.
It's beautiful.
But it's not the gold
we were looking for.
Don't be so pessimistic.
It's a hell of a start, though.
I don't understand it.
I'm so sure...
I'm gonna keep looking, you guys.
Wait, wait, wait!
"A moment frozen in time."
What is that?
- How the hell should I know?
- Shoot him.
Shoot it!
Damn... you know, you are
the worst shot I have ever seen.
Hell, I could have
hit him from there, too.
Cover!
He's got us pinned down.
I don't think there's
any more of 'em.
Lucky you're into knives.
One shot left.
- Oh, maybe you'd better let me do it.
- No, I can do it.
Nice shot.
Come on!
Drop the knife.
Step away from the girl.
Geez, I didn't tell him to jump.
Both--this is Aztec,
and here's the Mayan Sun God.
And he appears again
on the dagger, see?
Now, these hieroglyphics,
they give us the date 1527.
Aztecs...
Mayans...
Spaniards...
all on an Indian reservation.
It doesn't jive.
- El coyote.
- Who?
There is an Indian
on the reservation
who claims to be descended
from an Aztec priest,
but he's a very dangerous man.
Even to his people,
he's bad medicine.
However, there is another
that might be of help.
Who's that?
If only I could
remember his name.
Might as well take it all.
It'll solve a lot of time.
He's an old shaman
named Tall Eagle.
Honey. I'll meet you down
at the television studio.
Oh. no. now wait for me. honey.
I'm going with you.
Now you just wait.
- Lucy. isn't that the--
- Yes. it is.
I got to thinking it was silly for
both of us to take our dresses back.
As long as Ethel
was taking hers back.
there was no reason
for me to take mine back.
- T all Eagle?
- I didn't say a word.
I'll go get Mrs. Trumbull
to stay with Little Ricky.
- Ricky?
- What?
- I don't know why he puts up with her.
- Do you think Ethel will be mad at me?
I wouldn't be surprised
if she punched you right in the nose.
If she were mine,
I'd cut off her nose.
- This is for you.
- For me?
Snake bite.
We have lots of those around.
When white men bring gifts,
it means they
want something in return.
You got that right, brother.
They say that you know
a lot about Apache history.
You want me to tell stories.
That's what I do best.
Take a load off.
Many winters ago...
the white eyes gave us this land
for as long as the grass grows
and the water flows.
But as you can see,
we got screwed.
What are you getting at?
I think he wants
a piece of the action.
No, not me.
The Great Spirit.
Okay, we'll give your tribe...
...twenty percent of anything we find.
Twenty percent?
Two percent. Two.
Okay, twenty percent
if the information pays off.
We want to hear about an Aztec priest
who got here in the 16th century.
Do you know the story?
- You'll tell us.
- I'll tell you.
But you're probably
not going to believe me.
I know just how you feel.
Come with me.
He was called Firewalker...
because his soul
could fly to the sun.
He would gather his power,
and his power...
oh, was great.
- What was I talking about?
- The firewalker.
Oh, yes.
Now I remember.
It was the Spaniards.
They came in search of
the firewalker's gold.
What happened to the firewalker?
Legend says he flew to the sun...
...there to walk
among the fire forever.
This is the story of the firewalker.
It's all I know.
That's it? That's our big lead?
Beware of the coyote.
He is very treacherous and powerful.
I don't care about coyotes.
I want to know where the gold is.
If I knew that,
I'd go get it myself.
- Twenty percent?
- Don't blame me.
Wait.
Soon, many spirits
will come to speak to you.
Some will be evil and very strong.
This will help protect you
from the evil spirits.
What is it?
It's dust, bones, magic.
Thank you.
I don't know how Tonto did it.
Okay, we've got gold,
human sacrifice,
the dagger and the sun.
Gin.
- We're playing poker.
- Oh.
Max.
The Spanish conquered
the Aztecs in 1522.
Now, the date
on this painting says 1527.
According to your theory,
it took Aztec priests five years
to get here from somewhere
in Central America.
All I know is,
if that gold isn't in that cave,
then it has to be somewhere else.
Right, right--now, we've got half of
Central America to choose from.
Where would you like to start?
You're so smart.
San Miguel?
Right in between
Aztec and Mayan country.
You believe in witches, Leo?
I bring a potion from Tall Eagle.
He has cast a spell
to protect you from evil.
I never turn down a good potion.
Heady stuff.
Max, you son of a bitch! Wake up!
Good night...coyote.
How is he?
He's sleeping like a baby.
He's been drugged, though.
I thought this trip was
the most important thing in my life.
But if anything happens
to you or Max...
Then it would be
our fault, not yours.
Look, if we weren't out there
chasing that pot of gold,
I'd be somewhere
chasing another one.
- It's what we do.
- Is the money really worth it?
- Not so far.
- Then why do you do it?
Because Max does.
He has a way of
getting things out of me
that I never knew I had in me.
Okay, so you do it
because he does it,
and he does it because
he wants to find buried treasure.
It's not the finding that Max thrives on.
It's the looking.
- Even though it's so dangerous.
- Because it's so dangerous.
Look, if you want
to turn back, it's okay.
If we find anything,
you'll still get your share.
No, I can't do that.
It's very complicated, Leo,
but this is something
that I have to do.
Besides, you guys'll take care of me.
Sure, if you get killed,
we won't owe you a dime.
Well, hey, a girl can't ask
for a better deal than that.
Well, we better get some sleep.
He's gonna be hell to catch up with
when he wakes up.
I'm gonna stay with him
just a little while.
But she was here.
I know she was here!
There's no way out!
- Man, this is getting too weird.
- Yeah, let's get out of here.
Back home, right?
Nope. San Miguel.
We're gonna find that gold.
Wait a minute.
I've got something to say about this.
There's some
weird people around--very weird.
We'd better get home--
all the way.
"San Miguel covers an area
of 21,000 square miles.
"The terrain is largely mountainous,
with areas of heavy jungle.
"Farming is the major industry
with bananas as the main export,
and the language is Spanish."
? Que pasa?
-? Que pasa?
- Nada. Senor. nada.
What is happening?
It's a tiny fire in the engine.
It's nothing, Senor.
We're landing, anyway.
Great flight, huh?
I think I got his good side.
This is the big one, Leo.
I feel it in my bones.
Come on, Leo.
You'll feel better
when we get to the hotel.
I'm sure it's a lot nicer
on the inside.
I bet they've got a great bar.
- What the hell?
- Come on, Leo, cheer up.
I'm telling you,
this could be the big one.
We've lost control of this one.
We are not coming back.
- What makes you say a thing like that?
- My instincts, damn it!
If you felt that way,
why did you come?
Because you did.
I knew you were
gonna blame this on me.
Do you want me to go back, Leo?
Is that what you want?
Yes!
- Well, I'm not going to.
- That's what I thought you'd say.
Idiot.
Then stop acting
like a dadgum sissy!
I am no sissy.
Don't you call me that anymore.
I am no sissy!
I swear, you're getting as bad
as that fruitcake girl!
I'm gonna see this thing through.
Anytime you want out,
just say so!
I might just do that,
you know?
- That's fine with me!
- I just might do that.
Good!
Fruitcake? I'm a fruitcake?
- Are the walls that thin?
- No, your mouth is that big.
Let me tell you something, bucko.
I happen to be a highly educated,
open-minded person
with an I.Q. that will put
that pea brain of yours in a cellar.
So the next time you start
blowing hot air and playing the hero,
just remember,
if it wasn't for me,
you wouldn't be here.
Call me for dinner.
Wow.
- One or two of them?
- I don't care.
Well, let's flip for it.
- Heads or tails?
- Tails.
- Mademoiselle.
- Excuse me.
Why don't you
show the picture around?
We'll get the drinks.
I think I'll make me
some new friends.
Muchas gracias.
Twenty bucks for these drinks.
Sure glad it's your money.
Look, if you're still mad
because I called you a fruitcake,
I really didn't mean it.
It's not the first time.
Maybe I am a little nutty.
Well, if you are,
you're the prettiest nut I've ever seen.
Is that your idea of flattery,
Mr. Donigan?
I reckon.
I guess I would like
to know you better, though.
What would you like to know?
I don't know.
How about something... intimate.
Intimate?
Okay.
Ever since I was a child,
I've had visions.
I'd see things,
and then they'd happen.
That scared me,
so I learned to tune it out
until I found this map.
Since then,
everything's been going crazy.
The images have
really been frightening.
That's why I'm here...
to understand
what's happened to me.
Is that intimate enough for you?
I was expecting something simple,
you know, like maybe
you...slept in the nude
or something.
I do.
- Did you get anything?
- Does hostility count?
Well, I'm gonna have to
show you how it's done.
- Just be subtle, okay?
- No sweat.
Twenty dollars American
for information!
Max.
I don't think you should be waving
that money around in public like this.
Fifty dollars!
Fifty dollars!
One hundred dollars
for information!
One hundred dollars, American!
Sold!
- Ludlow Boggs.
- Max Donigan.
What brings you to San Miguel,
Mr. Donigan?
- We're on a--
- Archaeological expedition.
Yeah, right.
Into the interior?
Not bloody likely.
You'll be shot on sight.
The government isn't letting
anyone in without official clearance.
How well do you know this country?
Well enough.
Oh, I'd never go into the jungle.
However, I know somebody who does.
There was mention
of a hundred dollars, American.
When we hear what we're buying.
Fair enough.
There's a small village
200 miles from here in the interior.
- Name?
- Chajal.
Find a man named Gutierrez.
He's the best guide in the country.
Tell him I sent you.
Take you to Hell for the right money.
Ta very much.
Toodaloo.
Wasn't that easy?
He said your mother was a pig
and your father was a dog.
Did he mention my sister?
He's just looking for trouble.
I don't feel like rotting in some
Godawful prison over some bar fight.
I second that.
He said you have
sexual relationships with goats.
No, no, wait.
Let me talk to him.
Oh, no, no!
What are you doing?
I'll handle this.
Oh, no!
He's gonna get hurt.
No, he's just working out
his frustrations.
How's it going?
I'm wearing him down.
Oh, Max.
I--I may have been too rash.
Yep.
!Alto!
!Alto!
Doesn't feel good, does it?
Say good night.
I never realized
what a spunky devil you are.
I hate fighting.
Hold this.
Max, watch out!
- Are you all right?
- Fine, fine.
Hell.
I'm doing all right.
- Want this gum back?
- No, I got some.
You guys make friends like this
everywhere you go?
At least we got a lead out of it.
What good does it do?
You heard Boggs.
They're never gonna
let us into the interior.
We were lucky
to get out of that bar alive.
Don't worry about a thing.
I got a plan.
It won't work.
- You haven't even heard it yet.
- I'm playing the odds.
- Oh, geez.
- Oh, Jesus.
They're going to Chajal tomorrow.
Going to meet a man named Gutierrez.
- Girl going with them?
- Looks that way.
Good.
I get my payoff now, right?
You want your payoff now?
No, no...
Forget about the money.
Please, no...
I don't believe this.
I just don't believe this.
What if they ask us for our papers?
- What if they do?
- We don't have any papers, Max.
Just act wise and holy.
I hope there's a dining car.
How many pictures
does one person need?
I thought priests
were supposed to be tee-totalers.
I thought nuns
were supposed to be virgins.
Subtlety's not one of
your strong suits, is it?
Leo's the subtle one.
I'm in charge of...
charm.
Max Donigan, if you're
trying to make a pass,
I appreciate the gesture, but...
I hardly think we're dressed for it.
Yeah, I know, but...
you know,
you really do look...
...good.
Thank you...
I think.
!Alto!
!Alto!
? Que pasa?? Que pasa?
Senor! Senor!
What's going on?
We're picking up some soldiers.
Probably just routine questioning.
I don't like the routine.
Maybe they won't get to us.
Si.
He wants to see our papers.
He wants us to follow him...rapido.
No problem.
Just play dumb.
I thought we were playing
wise and holy.
You try wise and holy,
I'll try dumb.
What about me?
- Look virginal.
- Look virginal.
He wants us
to deliver the last rites.
- We can do that.
- But they'll never buy it, Max.
You just have to do a convincing job.
Me? Why me?
I don't know anything
about this stuff!
Don't even think about it.
- Here, it's your plan. You do it.
- You're just being petty.
- Is that so?
- Yes!
- Say something in Latin.
- I don't know any Latin, Max.
You think they do?
Gracias.
Ax-may, this is all a your alt-fay,
you stupid-ay erk-jay.
- Amen.
- Amen.
Amen.
She found his papers.
It's only a superficial wound.
He's not going to die.
!Padre!!Gracias. Padre!
It's a miracle.
She thinks we did it.
He wants you to bless him.
E pluribus unum.
!Gracias!!Gracias!
!Muchas gracias. Padre!
What'd I tell you? Piece of cake.
Never a cab when you need one.
I'd feel a whole lot better
if I could see some people
around here, wouldn't you?
Depends on who they are.
Come on, you guys.
Okay, you guys, smile.
All right, little closer.
All right, now serious.
- Let's go find Chajal.
- Yep.
I hope they have
a good restaurant there.
I'm starving.
She hasn't quite
figured it out yet, has she?
When she does,
you get to explain it to her.
They've ransacked this place.
There's not a soul around.
So much for...
what's his name?
- Gutierrez.
- Yeah.
I heard something.
Just your imagination.
- Here comes my imagination.
- Run for the banana field!
You know, you almost
got me killed back there.
That's gratitude for you.
- Thank you.
- Anytime.
Max? Leo?
Sir, I'm afraid
you've got the wrong idea.
I'm not a nun. See?
I'm an American.
My name is Patricia Goodwin.
I'm a legal secretary
from Los Angeles,
and I know you're
probably not gonna believe it,
but I'm down here visiting friends.
See? No nun!
Senorita.
Okay, Manuel, run away!
Run away!
Beat it!
Give me that thing.
- Where'd you get it, anyway?
- It's a gift from an old lover.
What?
We better get out of here
before those soldiers show up.
Nah, they've given up
on us by now.
I figure we've got about...
...twelve miles to the nearest town.
Is anybody hungry here
besides me?
Unless we can find Gutierrez.
Maybe we can find a guide there.
How much gold
do you think we'll find?
Tell me, Leo...
...if you had lots of money,
what would you do?
Buy a sailboat, I guess.
Sail around the world.
You gotta be kidding.
All the globe-hopping we've done,
and you want to sail around the world.
Just once.
Just once,
I want to do it in style.
No deserts, no jun--
No mosquitoes.
No guns.
Just sandy beaches,
sipping champagne
in fine restaurants,
gambling in casinos,
and women.
Man, I can't wait.
I don't remember inviting you.
You will.
Is there a shorter route
to this damn village?
Yes.
Hey! Don't wander off!
I'm gonna crash.
Okay, okay, I'm awake.
Damn it, Leo, I said--
It's gonna be one of those days.
Move!
- What if they find the dagger?
- The hell with the dagger.
We've gotta save our lives.
They're trying to decide
what to do with us.
Indecision...that's a good sign.
Got 'em just where we want 'em.
Stay cool, Leo.
No matter what happens,
let's just keep our heads.
We need a new plan.
Don't you think
it's a little late for that, Max?
Prepare to die, Yankees.
- He said--
- I know what he said.
What's he waiting on?
Are you in a hurry, Max?
I always said you were
too pretty for jungle work, Max.
Corky?
Hey, cut 'em free.
!Por mis amigos!
- Salud.
- Salud.
Yeah, it was right after Nam,
some snot nosed little second looey
had me kicked out of the corps.
- What'd you do?
- Only thing I could do.
I cut off the little bastard's ears.
I got 'em in a pickle jar.
Wanna see?
So, I kicked some butts
over in Africa for a while,
till the money ran out.
- How'd you get here?
- Blind chance.
Came down here on a drug run.
Heard about the fighting.
They got one rule down here.
- You can have what you can take.
- Plenty, right?
Right! Hell, they're killing each other--
I'm getting rich!
- Sounds dangerous.
- Nah, piece of cake.
Go on--he ain't never danced
with a girl before.
Hell, she's a looker.
What'll you take for her?
She's not for sale.
Watch this careful, now.
Give me room, son.
Give me room.
Goddamnit,
that son of a bitch moved!
He goddamn moved!
- No...
- Go on!
Hope you got life insurance!
Quiet! I can't concentrate.
Goddamn it,
he didn't move for you!
- I did it!
- He moved for me!
- I'm not playing with you anymore!
- Poor sport!
Biting the hand that fed you!
Those sons of bitches dropped us
right in the middle of a hornet's nest.
So...
...after four hours of fightin',
me and Max is the only ones
in the squad that ain't hit.
Guess what happens next?
They give up!
We whupped 'em so hard,
they must have thought
there was a thousand of us!
Oh, we had us some times, Max.
- You was a pretty good grunt.
- You made me that way.
Oh, hell, wasn't nothin' I did.
You got the charm, boy.
Can't nothin' kill you
if you got the charm.
Why don't you
stick around a while, Max?
It'd be great
fightin' side by side again.
I can't.
That's what I figured.
How long you gonna
hang around here, Corky?
Isn't it time you packed it up
and headed home?
This is my home.
You gonna spend
the rest of your life in the jungle?
Oh, hell, this is
just temporary... till I'm king.
What's so damn funny about it?
He didn't mean anything by it.
A man's gotta have
a goal in life, don't he?
I aim to give these people leadership!
What if they don't want it?
You know,
I never thought about that!
You think my idea's crazy,
don't you, Leo?
Could get you killed.
Well, now, dying ain't somethin'
I worry about, Leo.
You know why?
You see, I got the charm, too.
You'll never let me go
that far, will you, Leo?
- No, I won't.
- Glad you're here.
I'm glad you're my partner.
- You really mean that?
- Yeah, I do.
In that case, you can
come on my sailing trip.
I accept your invitation.
- Sandy beaches.
- Luxurious hotels.
Fine restaurants.
- And...women!
- And...women!
What do you think, Max?
This is my command vehicle!
I want you to
go out of here in style.
- She's a terror in the jungle.
- I bet she is.
- Bye-bye, Cork.
- Bye-bye.
Hey, now, listen, Max.
You'll need this.
You stick to the low jungle,
and look, you can have this back.
- Watch your back.
- You, too, Corky.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Oh, wait, wait, wait!
!Presente!!Presente!
Do you think
you'll ever see him again?
No.
Which one are we gonna eat first?
Oh, Max, that's disgusting.
Leo, stop the car!
That's horrible! Stop it!
Oh, poor babies.
Get them out of here!
Max, that's disgusting.
And that's when we
stumbled onto the Zulu war party.
- The hunting party.
- Right.
A heavily armed
Zulu hunting party.
That wasn't Zulu.
They were pygmies.
Right. Pygmy cannibals.
Must have been a hundred of them.
Oh, maybe about twenty.
Leo, if you don't let me tell this,
it's not gonna be worth hearing.
- Where was I?
- Pygmy cannibals.
Right...anyway,
I don't speak Zulu or pygmy...
- Or cannibal.
- Not even cannibal.
Definitely not cannibal.
Oh, God!
Howwonderful!
Might as well
camp here tonight, huh?
You guys can make camp.
I'm gonna take a bath.
No, you're not.
Come on, give me
one good reason why not.
One good reason.
I think I better go
wash these dishes.
I think we're getting
real close, don't you?
Yeah, I feel a real bond between us.
No, silly, I mean to the gold.
Oh...yeah, we should be there
sometime tomorrow.
That is, if we're not off course.
- You mean we may be lost?
- No, just off course.
- What's the difference?
- Attitude.
You like this life, don't you?
Yeah, I guess so. Why?
I don't know...
jungles, deserts, caves.
It all sort of seems scary to me.
What scares you, Max?
Suits.
Alarm clocks.
Apartment buildings.
Oh, my God, it's blood.
Look.
Do you think it was the crocodile?
How the hell should I know?
He had a feeling about this trip.
But I wouldn't listen.
It's not your fault, Max.
It is my fault!
This whole idea was stupid!
Stupid!
What are we gonna do?
Go back.
No. No, we can't.
I said we're going back,
and that's it!
- What about the gold?
- There is no gold.
There is, too. I know it!
Max, it's normal for you
to feel this way, but--
Look! Don't talk to me about normal.
I don't need any advice from a...
A what?
A fruitcake?
Witch woman? Lunatic?
Go ahead, Max,
I've heard it all before.
Yeah, I'm different.
You think I like feeling that way?
But, damn it,
I know there's gold there.
Either I'm right, or I'm crazy.
But I'm gonna find out which,
with or without your help.
You won't make it alone.
I will, too.
So will you.
Who cares?
Damn you, Leo!
Damn you.
This looks like
a good place to cross.
- How do you know?
- It's my job to know.
- Damn.
- What's happening?
We're sinking.
Get out! Swim for shore!
Come on!
What's the matter?
Can't you swim?
Of course I can swim!
Oh, God.
Barely.
I hate the water.
Nothing like a morning swim
to get the old circulation
going, right, Max?
Yeah, right.
Nothing like a brisk walk
after a morning swim.
It's the temple.
It's the picture from the cave.
I knew it, Max! We found it!
We're close to the gold, Max.
I can feel it.
Look! Over here!
- It's sealed.
- There's another one over here!
This one's sealed, too.
There's got to be an entrance.
A moving wall or a trap
in the floor or something.
- What about an open door?
- That would be a refreshing change.
Come over here.
What the hell's going on?
This was sealed tight.
Yeah, well, it's open now.
Wait... there's something in there.
I hope so.
I'm sorry,
I guess I'm just a little jumpy.
Don't feel bad.
I didn't even hit it.
You're not very good
with that, are you?
Here, you take it.
- Ugly sucker.
- Max, look at this.
The way in
is no longer the way out.
So what do we do now?
Well, you found a way in.
Find a way out.
Oh, sure, blame me.
If I remember correctly,
I was the one who said,
"Don't go in there.
There's something in there."
But would you listen to me? Oh, no.
You did it.
Oh, my God!
It's Leo!
You're not dead!
- We thought you were dead.
- We thought you were dead, Leo.
Don't worry, I'll get you down.
- Stay there.
- No, Max, go back.
What are you
doing up there, anyway?
Never mind.
It doesn't matter.
The only thing that matters
is you're alive.
Max, you're so stupid.
You never listen to a word I say.
Never!
Welcome, brave one.
We've been expecting you.
Meet the red cyclops.
Drop your gun in the water.
Now!
Oh, no.
You have something of mine.
And as you see,
I have something of yours.
What's more important?
Treasure, or the life of your friend?
Max, give him the knife.
I grow impatient, brave one.
If he goes, so does this.
Oh, no!
Give it to him!
Okay, okay,
back off a minute, will ya?
Hang on, Leo.
That's great advice.
Real inspirational.
Max, my legs are getting tired!
All right.
These are my terms.
I'll give you the dagger,
but we go free.
I have no need for you.
It is agreed.
In fact, the girl can go now.
- Okay, take off.
- No, I'm staying with you.
- I said beat it!
- No!
- Yes!
- Will you agree on something?
All right...I'll go.
Thank you very much.
- Be careful.
- Words to live by.
You fool!
You thought you were
protecting the girl.
And all along,
you were bringing her to me.
I will sacrifice her.
With her blood, I will gather
the power of the firewalker.
And my spirit will fly to the sun.
Spirit this.
But for this, I would have
killed you long ago.
You held the power
of my ancestors in your hands.
But all you could see
was the treasure.
I leave you to the gods.
I've gotta find a way in.
Max, try.
You can make it.
Like you always say...
...I never listen to you.
I'm coming, you guys.
W-w-what's that?
He's gonna flood the place.
If there's ever a time
for a plan, it's now, Max.
I don't like the looks of this.
Oh, Max.
This is crazy!
This is the stupidest thing
we've ever done.
Stop being such a pessimist.
Excuse me--I guess being
all trussed up and broiled like a lobster
naturally puts a damper
on my spirits!
Swing harder!
You gonna make me
do all the work?
Come on, Leo, use your legs!
Kill me. Get it over with.
No...
Soon, it will be time for you
to help me gather the power.
Did I mention that
this is a stupid plan?
Did I mention that
this is all your fault?
Put this on.
What did you do with my friends?
Come on, Leo!
It's a piece of cake!
Put this on.
- Swing your legs, Leo!
- I'm trying, damn it!
We gotta make that ledge!
- Harder! Harder!
- I can't!
That's the way,
that's the way.
- No strength left.
- Harder, Leo!
- I can't!
- You're a sissy, Leo!
The world's tallest sissy!
Major league wimp!
You son of a bitch!
- Attaboy!
- I'm gonna kill you!
You're gonna make it!
You're gonna make it!
Come on!
- Let's go find Patricia.
- Okay.
When the gods are appeased...
...I will have the power
of my ancestors.
Damn it.
That's the only other way.
Hurry, Leo.
Come on!
Come on!
I have waited long.
I will wait no longer.
He's got Patricia.
- I hit him.
- I don't believe it.
Hey, that's gratitude for you.
Are you okay?
Piece of cake.
Nowwhat?
Now we find the gold.
- Back inside the temple?
- I don't think so.
The sun...that's it--
it's behind that.
I've got it!
You guys! Come here!
She did it again!
You guys...
- Sure dark down there.
- I'll get you a torch.
Come on, let's go.
Come on, Leo.
- Hey, hey, Max.
- What?
- Were you really worried about me?
- No, not really.
But if you ever do it again,
I'm gonna kick your dadgum butt.
Here's your sailboat.
Thank you very much.
What's that all about?
Well, fruitcake...you did it.
I wasn't crazy, was I?
- No.
- No.
Come on, you two,
let's get this stuff packed.
You look better in white.
Hey, since we're on a roll,
let's go to Vegas.
I think I'll buy the Barbary Coast Hotel.
- Real estate's where it's at, man.
- I want my own business.
I wonder if Bloomingdale's is for sale.
Where'd you park the car?
Down by the river.
Come on, let's see
how tough you are.
Come on.
He's not so damn tough.
Let's get the hell out of here.
Thank you, Tall Eagle.
Good night, Coyote.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, nothing.
Everything's just fine.
Has this been a long day or what?
Man, is this a beautiful day or what?
Okay, you guys, smile.
Great. I'm starving.
Yes, sir, the last time
we were in Fiji,
we almost got strung up
by a voodoo witch doctor.
- You remember that, Leo?
- I remember.
All that dangerous stuff's
behind us now, right?
Gone forever.
Right...to the future.
To the future!
- Waiter? More champagne.
- Yes, sir.
From now on, life is gonna be
one big piece of cake.
So, gentlemen, we meet again.