First Time Caller (2022) Movie Script

In through the nose,
out through the mouth.
I am in control
of my environment.
I repeat it to myself
like a mantra.
I am in control
of my environment.
I am in control
of my environment.
And by projecting that truth
into my surrounding context, I--
I'm sorry. Is this
supposed to impress me?
"I am in control
of my environment."
"The power of Christ
compels you."
Is this a joke?
No, Brent.
It-it's like you always say...
What, you... uh,
skimmed "The Secret"
Now youve got the
cheat code to pussy?
I'm trying to do it
like you always say--
Do I tell you to chant?
Do I tell you to go around
muttering under your breath
like the guy at the dog
park with no dog?
I thought you
would like this, Brent.
I thought you would
approve of how--
Oh, you thought
I would approve?
You know, Im not
your mom, right?
Im not handing out popsicles
for the correct answer.
No, but Brent--
Every second you spend
manifesting is a second
you're not getting
your money right,
not getting
your house right,
not getting your
presentation right,
not establishing yourself
in the position of strength
to which quality women respond.
You know who
doesn't have to chant,
"I'm in control of
my environment?"
People who actually are.
That ain't you,
friend-o. Buh-bye!
Brent, wait--
Hi there! You're on
with Brent Ziff
and I am living "Brent Free"
in your head.
Are you saying you
don't subscribe to what
the entire free world, including
many famous celebrities--
Uhh, no. I'm pro blockchain.
This is a pro blockchain space.
That's established.
It sounds like you're making
fun of all of the very smart--
But you don't talk about
it over drinks, my man.
Think about it.
You're either
boring her bone-dry
or you're giving her
the keys to the kingdom.
All she needs to know
is your money's right.
If the chorizos tasty,
she'll put it in her mouth.
She doesn't need to
know how it got made.
I don't mean you, Brent.
Oh? Oh, you don't mean me?
No. Obviously,
there's exceptions--
So, Im exempt.
Is that what you're saying?
No, I'm just saying, as a
general rule, the Jews--
See, here's what really itches
my hole about antisemitism.
And it's not what you think.
When you come at me
with "Jews run the world,"
and I know for a fact
that I don't run the world,
then what you're
really saying is
Brent Ziff didn't get the call.
Brent Ziff didn't get
invited to the party.
No. Look, the Rothschilds--
And that hurts my
greedy little kike feelings.
"Have you ever noticed
how every pick-up and seduction
program out there
puts all the onus on you?
Change your whole diet,
magically make three times
as much money,
go to the gym
seven days a week."
Okay. You literally
have to do all these things.
What the fuck?
You know what.
These are my sponsors.
Ill behave.
"Well, Conquest Five..."
Conquest Five?
Solid name, fellas.
"Conquest Five puts
the onus on her.
Conquest Five is about
making her do all this for you."
Okay. I love the concept.
You guys know I do.
But if you're fat and poor,
you're not putting
your onus on anybody.
I guess still buy this, though.
You know, keep daddy in furs.
I call bullshit.
You know what?
I actually don't.
I'm getting penalized
in the workplace for this?
I'm actually not
calling bullshit.
They're making me
take some course
because I don't want to
use English wrong?
I'm actually not
calling bullshit.
I'm just saying
show me someone who's
still "non-binary"
when they're 50. Okay?
Uh, I have to work
right next to this
- okay, well, whatever.
- Show me one
50 year-old electrician
with salt and pepper hair
still insisting on a
singular "they" and I'm in.
Until then, it's a
dorm room fad.
I have a question for every
pop singer in existence.
Are we supposed to have
any emotions other than
"horny" and "mad at my ex"?
You know what should
think about your ex?
That's what ex means!
Number one song in America.
Just cave my face in
with a fucking brick.
Die, Jew!
You're so fucking boring.
You have to trace it
all the way back.
You have to take it back
to 1913. Thats where--
Oh my God,
you're killing me.
No, you can't root
out the problem
if you don't start
with the roots.
And if you look at 1913--
Okay, okay, buddy.
Every time you say 1913,
I lose like an Orange County's
worth of listeners.
Ya dunzo.
I tell my friends, I'm not
ashamed to admit it.
I listen to "Brent Free".
See, this is what I'm saying.
My girlfriends give me shit.
And I'm like,
do you actually want
a man who cries
while you pay his
health insurance?
You're going to make
some enemies here.
You're blowing some myths
about my listenership wide open.
Why is it weird
that I want to be a mom?
Hey, I love moms, personally.
Well, why is it weird that
I want to be taken care of?
Isn't that what we all want?
But I'd be remiss if I didn't
ask you one crucial question.
You mind if I do that?
Of course.
What are you wearing right now?
Next week, mark
your calendars.
The whole thing
blows wide open, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's always next week,
and then next week its
gonna be next week--
Next week's issue goes
deep on Jeffrey Epstein
and everyone at the Pentagon
who stood to get
filthy rich from him.
Yeah, okay, pal.
I'm sure the deep state
is pissing their y-fronts
over your newsletter.
Folks! We are gliding silkily
into our second hour
of friction-free frolic,
and I remain, as ever,
Brent Ziff,
living "Brent Free"
in your head,
out of Denver, CO.
Think you got what it takes
to not bore the fuck out of me?
Call 801-810-ZIFF
and prove it.
Oh, my God.
So many suitors.
How shall I choose?
Who shall escort me to the ball?
See, heres the thing, people.
It's really all on you.
You encourage my bad behavior.
You reward it.
I'm completely transparent
about the way things work here.
You all know I can see exactly
how many people are listening
to this stream at
any given moment.
And if I can do anything
to jack those numbers
I'm gonna do it.
And that's exactly what
picking a fight with
Doctor Newsletter just achieved.
Let's not mince words.
I'm here to add money
to my coffers
by subtracting time from you.
I'm just straight-out saying it
and none of you are leaving.
I love it.
We understand each other.
What a beautiful thing.
Okay. I don't know this number.
Let's have some fun.
Hi there. You're on
with Brent Ziff and--
Uh, we doing okay there, caller?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
-Im okay.
-Folks, I always said
sooner or later we'd have
someone bleed out
on the air... again.
No, no, I'm fine. I'm sorry.
Just a-a-a little pain.
Not like hospital pain.
Just regular pain.
Oh, well, if it's regular pain,
then fuck you, guy.
Zero sympathy. Power through.
Where we calling from
tonight, Regular Pain?
Oh, Cheyenne, Wyoming.
Nice, Cheyenne.
Practically, uh, neighbors
compared to most of my callers.
Oh, I don't live here.
I'm in a hotel.
So, Regular Pain, what has you
taking time out of your
kitchen-rewiring convention,
or whatever the hell
happens in Cheyenne
to get "Ziffed" tonight?
Oh, well...
a couple things, actually--
Yeah, we'll see if I keep you on
long enough for a couple things.
Got a lot of folks gunning
for your spot tonight, buddy.
Life is competition.
I like how you turn the
ringing sounds on and off.
I like how you can do that.
Yeah, I'm a regular Tony
Stark with this mute button.
What are we jawing
about tonight?
I just, I...
I can't believe
I'm talking to you.
Hey, I can't believe it either,
but maybe let's move on to--
No, because Ive listened
to the show for a long time.
You know, quite a
few years, in fact,
because I love your
show so much,
but Ive never actually
called in before.
Yeah, we have kind of
a famous expression
for that in the industry.
Uh, let's throw
some lube on this.
Try easing you in.
What's your name?
Leo Short.
Then I am sorry, my friend!
Cause you are "Shorty"
for the rest of this call,
and not a thing on this earth
could make me change my mind.
This earth...
So, what changed
tonight, Shorty?
What jumper cables to the
nuts shocked you out of
longtime listener...
into first time caller?
I never had something
to offer before.
And you do now?
Cause you're off
to a slow start.
I've always been like this.
I can't approach someone
unless I know what I'm
bringing to the table.
Loser attitude, Shorty.
You got to be thinking about
what the other person
is bringing to the table.
I know, Brent, I know.
You're always saying that.
But then part of me thinks...
if I wasn't this way,
none of this would
have happened.
None of... what would
have happened?
Because here's the thing, Brent.
I'm not funny.
I'm not interesting.
I don't look like
much of anything.
You amaze me.
Now, if someone is spending
time on me, I need to know why.
I need to know what
they're getting out of it.
You know, if I'm...
interested in someone,
I need to have some,
I guess, theory or
credible notion of
why they might be
interested back.
You think I would have gotten
into breathing otherwise?
Not in a million years.
I'm sorry.
Did you say breathing?
I know how it sounds.
You've gotten into breathing?
You're dabbling in breathing?
That's your new interest.
That's your version of going
to book club on Friday night
to meet unfulfilled moms?
I guess kind of...
Shorty, if you're just
going to agree with me
every time I mock you,
it's gonna get kinda--
I mean, I did it for a girl.
Thank you!
Now we got ourselves
a conversation.
Ohhh. Should I have
started with that?
Shorty, have you ever
heard my show?
How can you even ask?
Always start with the girl!
Who is this girl?
Where'd you meet her?
At my work.
Uhh, Shorty, is this story
going to end in HR?
No. No, she's not my....
Not a colleague exactly--
Oh wait, what? Your employee?
You know that's worse, right?
No, not that either.
You--your boss?!
Oh ho ho. Getting big simp
energy from all this, Shorty.
No, it's not the same
business at all.
Explain yourself.
It's a shared space,
a shared workspace.
One of those offices with
a million little businesses.
Everybody rents a cubicle--
Okay, I got you.
Gig economy.
I get the picture.
So give us the stats, Shorty.
What does she look like?
Yes... of course.
I knew from my many
years of listening
that you would ask
me this question.
I notice youve asked
it many other times.
She's ugly, right?
Ugh, it's okay.
It's okay.
It kinda sounds like it's not.
No, it just means
I have to keep an
eye on the time.
While you're keeping
an eye on the time,
you mind if I ask you something?
Man to man?
Of course, Brent. Anything.
Are you...
calling me...
from the shitter?
But that's not whats important
I knew it!
No, but--
Because I already assume,
like, 90 percent of you
shut-ins are calling
me from the john.
But most of you at least
make an effort to conceal it!
What's important is--
-why Im in the...
-But not old Shorty.
He's going to bless us
with a play-by-play
as he eases out that
recalcitrant log--
Michelle Meyrink.
"Real Genius".
The girl.
You asked me
what she looks like.
I know you like 1980s hotties
and by happy coincidence--
Shorty, are you seriously
telling me this, uh, filly
in your polycule looks like
Meyrink from "Real Genius"?
Cause that's one of
my holy grails.
Okay, well--
Don't make this
comparison lightly.
No, the face, the body...
but not the haircut.
Okay. See, because that's
important context.
Like is she really Meyrink
without the legendary
geek-chic bob?
That's a fair point.
Cause I assume she's not
showing up at WeWork
in scuba gear.
I used to imagine that
when we fell in love,
she would get that same
haircut because shed know
how happy it would make me.
Wow! Hope she's not
listening right now.
Do a lot of women
listen to this show?
What the fu--
Why does everybody--
Wom-women absolutely--
I'm the one who sees the data.
Wouldn't I be the
one who knows? Jesus.
Well good. Well need them.
So. Meyrink, minus
the haircut...
and wetsuit.
One cubicle over,
optimizing impressions
or whatever counts
as a job now.
It was actually more
of an open plan.
The air is thick with
thwarted passion.
What happens next?
I misunderstood the
situation, like I always do.
Well, tell us more
about that, Shorty.
What did you misunderstand?
I take any form of interest
as if it contains the potential
for love or friendship.
And most of the time it doesn't.
You should just
assume it doesn't.
I do.
How do you go
through life like that?
How do you not?
I thought if I could--
Interest is a flicker.
It's gone as soon as it starts.
Unless you feed it with
-measurable benefit
-measurable benefit
-for both parties
-for both parties
You're a grown man, Shorty.
You should know this by now.
Youre right, Brent.
I just thought that maybe--
Oh, come on. What?
Seriously? What?
What was giving you
the impression
that history's greatest romance
was dawning at your sad little
post-industrial factory farm?
It was how she kept coming over
to my desk to talk to me.
To me!
Not anyone else in the office.
I'd be engrossed in my work.
I'm quite a hard worker, Brent.
With, I think, an
admirable attention span.
Boy, the sultry details
just keep piling up.
And to get my attention,
she'd always do this.
Garrison Keillor,
are we seriously incorporating
sound effects into this saga?
I came to think of it as our
knock, our shared code,
that it was time for the
two of us to commune.
For many weeks, Brent,
I lived for this sound.
Shorty, you're aware that, uh...
secret knocks are traditionally
the purview of little boys
in treehouses, right?
How are you extrapolating that
into some sort of
sensual come-on?
No, it was more
than that, Brent.
It was how she kept
putting her hands on me.
Like, casually.
Like a signal. Right?
Isn't that what
they say in the....
Whatever. The-the articles?
If she keeps touching your knee,
if she keeps touching
your forearm.
Well, was she touching your
knee or your forearm?
Mostly my shoulders.
She was obsessed with the
idea that I wasn't relaxed.
She kept saying,
"Can't you feel where your
shoulders are right now?"
"Can't you feel what
your jaw is doing?"
Oh, my Christ.
One of those "drop your
shoulders" people, huh?
No, it wasn't like that--
Hot tip for everyone
listening right now.
The second she drops the word
"chakras", no pussy in the
known universe is worth it.
No, but with her--
Oh, let me guess.
This is where the whole
breathing shenanigans comes in?
Yeah! Exactly.
How did you know?
Shorty, this is what I do.
So how did she broach it?
How did this breathing
shit first come up?
Was there a pamphlet involved?
No, nothing like that.
No, it grew more out of...
One day I was working,
keeping myself to myself.
I hadn't even looked
in her direction and
all of a sudden...
Okay, you know what?
I don't want to hear
that knock again
for the whole rest of this call.
And I looked up and
she's standing over me
with this concerned look
on her face, and she says,
"Did you notice how you were
when Shannon and Dave
were talking to you earlier?"
Oh, Christ.
Do we have to know who
Shannon and Dave are for this?
And I said, I was bored.
I was always bored when Shannon
and Dave came by my desk.
So bored, I was actually
desperate for them
to just go away.
Starting to know how
you felt, Shorty.
But she said,
"No. Leo, I'm sorry.
I've watched you with them
several times now,
and that's completely wrong.
The problem isn't that
those people are boring.
It's that you're
holding your breath
while they're talking to you."
"Of course, you're desperate
for them to stop talking.
You're literally suffocating
the entire time."
Was it true?
Was she right?
"Are you aware?" she asked me.
"Of how much time
you spend every day
holding your breath and
you don't even know it?"
And that was the story
of how Leo Short
joined the "Breathing Club".
Folks, we are--
No! It was a revelation, Brent.
The second she said it,
it was like seeing the world
for the first time.
Like the first time
you're horny,
or the first time you notice how
different neighborhoods look
depending on who lives in them.
Or, like you, Brent.
Like me, what?
Like how you always say,
you had to get famous
to realize what it was like
to not be famous?
Yeah, when people start
treating you a new way,
it makes you realize
how differently
they were treating you before.
But what does this have to do--
No, exactly!
The new awareness
changes everything.
Like, suddenly it
was everywhere.
It was constant.
I would find myself
gasping in front of people
who were telling me
perfectly ordinary things
because I would realize
I'd been holding my breath
from the minute
they started talking.
It was almost like,
how am I alive!?
And you didn't think
like a therapist or...
Oh, maybe another guy would.
But all I could think was,
how can I make this into
something I bring to the table?
How can I make this
something I'm offering?
Oh my god.
Shorty, you should
see my call screen.
Half of America is
lining up to yell at you!
Oh, could you unmute
the rings for a second?
I'd love to hear them.
Oh, how about let's
stay focused on
"How I turned a basic bodily
function into a dad hobby"?
a lot to it, actually.
It's quite a vast subject.
Nose versus mouth.
Buddhist traditions.
And I was into all of it!
My thinking was, if I could
make myself an expert,
if I could make myself into...
Mr. Breathing,
then maybe that's
my value to her?
Oh my Christ. Mr. Breathing?
You poor sad chump.
I know you think it's ridiculous
and it sorta was.
Mainly, I admire the hustle.
I had to get famous
to get laid.
And honestly, that sounds easier
than whatever this is.
And normally this is where
I'd unload a spray of real talk
about owning your value
and making her work for you.
But, as you can hear,
a whole lot of folks
- whove ever had
sex in their lives
are waiting their turn to
take you to the woodshed.
So let's see if we--
Damn, Shorty.
That's the worst one yet.
Listen, listen!
Whoa, okay.
No, it's fine for
you to hang up.
It's fine for you to
take those other calls.
I know it's fine.
But I need you to
do one thing first.
I don't need to do any things.
I just push a button.
No, you have to do it now.
We're almost out of time!
Before what? Before
you unload a deuce
that paralyzes the public
works of Cheyenne, Wyoming?
I need you to go on YouTube
and search "Freedom Seattle."
And why would I do that?
You hate boring,
and thisll be the least
boring thing you ever see.
Big talk, Latrine Leo.
It's true.
You get this is a
pretty weak gambit
to keep me on the line, right?
You must know "Freedom Seattle"
is going to bring up,
like, a billion results.
The algorithm should push
the most popular one to the top.
And I'm guessing
you already know...
It's a live feed of a concert
called "Freedom Seattle".
Playing tonight.
In progress right now.
Mostly right-wing bands.
Everyone's there to....
Whatever. Make a big show
of hanging out in a crowd
with no masks on.
Some senators gonna...
Whatever. It doesn't matter.
The point is, it's live.
The point is you get to see
what's about to happen.
Leo, if this is you calling in
a bomb threat, you know
-that Im obligated--
-No! A bomb is something
I could theoretically
know about ahead of time.
And this isn't?
Not under normal circum--
Jesus, guy.
I would only ask...
that you make note
of my number, and...
when you see it again,
you take my call.
I'm not going to
make note of shit.
I'm not going to talk to
the same guy twice in one show.
You know how many
people I got waiting?
You'll make an
exception for this.
Why am I going to do that?
Because everyone at that
concert is going to be
killed by a tsunami in
the next couple minutes.
Okay. It's been real, Shorty.
It's just, watch for
my number, cause
this is only the first one.
First what? First call?
First tsunami.
Talk soon.
Yeah, okay.
Sorry about that, folks.
Called that one wrong.
I had Shorty pegged as semi-nuts
which is good fun.
Turns out he is full-on-nuts
which is... just tedious.
And speaking of tedious,
it's time for our fortnightly
check-in with your favorite
condescending pedant and mine.
Mr. Brainiac.
What's good, Brainiac?
I'm living "Brent Free"
in your head.
Tell us what it all means.
Uh, well Brent,
all I can say is, "Wow!"
I have not witnessed a textbook
Beta like Shorty for some time.
Oh, I love that
there's a textbook.
Like there's scholarship
on this whole fucking..
Well, there is
scholarship, Brent.
Whole reams of it
available online right now.
Yeah. Uh huh.
And if you ask anyone familiar
with these principles
of masculinity,
they'll tell you that
Shorty was exhibiting
every major bullet point
associated with
the classic Beta.
Wait, wait, wait.
There's bullet points now?
Hang on one second.
Why wasn't I sent a copy?
Point One.
Shorty sees himself
as fundamentally in
service to women.
Whereas an Alpha or a Sigma
would understand that
It's quite the opposite.
Okay, Brainiac.
Now you're just doing my act,
except not as good.
And after I gave you choice
real estate on "Brent Free".
Just hear me out, Brent.
You won't be sorry.
Point Two.
Shorty sees any skill
he might acquire
entirely through the prism
of how much it attracts others.
Instead of honing that skill
for its own sake,
adding it to his
pillar of virtue,
and then letting that pillar
draw the attention of
others in due time.
Brainiac, you know why I have a
successful show and you don't?
Gonna give you a hint.
Short sentences.
Point Three.
And let me preface this
by acknowledging
that you and I have been
speaking for years now.
And in that time, well, weve
formed something of a bond.
Getting a little cozy
there, Brainiac.
I'm going to have to--
And during that time,
weve both been called
"grifters" on many occasions.
So I don't throw that
term around lightly.
No one's calling you
a grifter, Brainiac.
No one even knows who you are.
So I'm not going to
call Shorty a grifter
because I know the
hollowness of that slur.
Again, Brainiac, literally
no one is slurring you.
But what really offends
me in Shortys case is
the incompetence of the grift.
The failure of preparation
and foresight that is the
classic harbinger of the Beta.
So you've just been slamming
your dick in a thesaurus...
non-stop since the
last time we spoke?
Is that what Im getting here?
Any con based on a
false future event
has to set said event
far enough into the future
for the grifter to benefit.
You gotta post-date
your apocalypse to have
time to sell tickets to heaven.
But much like a typical Beta,
Shorty can't resist the
instant gratification,
even when it risks
imminent exposure.
Yeah. Why would he stick his
neck out with something
so immediately dis...provable?
Point Four.
Shorty repeatedly
uses phrases like,
"Bringing to the table,
offer, value..."
Yeah. Great, Brainy.
See you in two weeks.
Wait, wait, Brent.
This is only part--
-I am only half-way--
-Okay. Okay.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Brainiac, everyone.
I guess Fleshlights come with
a word-a-day calendar now.
You know what?
Lets actually
throw this shit on.
Oh ho ho, yeah.
This is definitely it.
Can you hear this?
Pull it up at home if you can.
It's hypnotically bad.
God almighty.
Riddle me this, people.
If right-wing nationalists
are taking over
every country in the world,
why can't they put together
a decent bar band?
Look at these bros.
Flounders flopping
around on the dock.
Seriously, pull this up and
check out these head-banging
"Texas Chainsaw" write-offs.
And I'm on record.
You all know I thought
lockdowns were bullshit.
A gateway drug to some
way bigger government
oversteps down the line.
But that doesn't mean hit
the mosh pit, Smooth Brain.
"Oh, yeah, my freedom."
Yeah. My freedom is exemplified
by paying 20 bucks for parking
so I can watch a sad-ass
lineup of 44-year-olds
they wouldn't book
at a Red Lobster.
Okay, that's...
Okay, folks, uhh...
I don't know if it's the...
The camera, or if, like,
the signals... umm.
There's got to be some
way of checking, right?
Not... not the news.
The news wouldn't
have time to, uhh...
Theres got to be some
other live video of Seattle.
What's something
that's always live?
Like it has to be interact--
If the camgirls are okay,
this is just some bullshit that
what's-his-name somehow...
Yeah, okay guys.
I see all your fucking calls.
Just give me a second.
None of these
camgirl feeds are...
Gotta be some baffled
60-year-olds olds out there,
all over Utah, quarter chubs
in their callused mitts.
Folks, there's no...
I can't find anything showing...
Stop fucking calling!
I'm not CNN.
What do you expect
me to fucking...
You know what?
You know what?
Good stuff, Shorty.
Tell us how you did it.
It's one thing to know...
All done with, uhhh,
mirrors, right, big guy?
But to actually see it.
Now, take us behind
the curtain here,
because I'm running the
numbers in my head
and I can't figure out
how some jamoke
kills a live concert stream
and six unrelated camgirl feeds
all at the same time.
You think I made this happen?
And really, standing-o.
But here's where
you flip to the back
of the Encyclopedia Brown
and tell us how you did it.
I mean, I get it.
Early on, I thought
the same thing.
but then I realized
how ridiculous that was.
The feeling doesn't
do what I want.
It's just letting me know.
The feeling? What the fuck
are you talking about, Shor--
Oh, fuck.
What the fuck?
Oh, are the news
stories coming up?
Oh my God.
Those short ones, right?
Where it's just like a paragraph
because they barely
know anything yet?
It's everywhere.
It's everywhere.
Thi-this can't be you.
There's no way that you...
Hacked Google News?
Shock meteorological event?
That's what they always
have to say at first,
cause no one can get close
enough to report any facts.
All they know is...
a thing happened.
Without warning?
And they have to
put up something
cause no one wants to wait
for information anymore.
What the fuck is
without warning?
No one saw a giant fucking
wave headed for Seattle!?
My guess is they did see it,
but only half an hour out.
And that's not enough
time to do anything.
A city like Seattle.
Population, what,
half a million?
You're basically just debating
whether the panic or the wave
should kill people first.
Bu-but they're supposed to
know way beforehand, right?
They have a thing.
Those, um, those, those...
those people.
The National Oceanic and
Atmospheric Administration.
That's how you knew.
You're with them!
I wish.
You knew it was coming...
And you called me?
I wish I was with NOAA.
You know how many times
I tried to get hired there?
But if you don't then, then how?
I called.
I visited in person.
And I didn't lie, Brent.
I was very clear that
I had no formal training,
I was very clear that
I had no formal training,
but that I had a
unique qualification
that would compensate.
What fucking qualific--
My god.
Look at this.
Its, its the whole internet.
I just never had the proof.
Pr-proo-proof of what?
It was always a
timing problem, right?
Even if I called in the
second I had the feeling
their instruments would
already be on the case.
I'd say...
"There's gonna be an
earthquake in Sinaloa."
And they'd be like,
"Yeah, Nostradamus, we just
put out a press release."
The feeling isn't an asset
if it doesn't work faster than
the tech they already have.
Wait, hold on.
What's, what, what...
But then today,
it finally did.
For the first time ever!
The feeling picked up
something they didn't.
And it doesn't matter.
Can't get a job with
an organization
that won't exist in a week.
Wait, sto-hold up.
Wha-wha-whats not going
to exist in a week? Wh--
Which raises, what's left that
the feeling might
still be good for?
You keep saying the feeling.
What, what is that?
What are you talking about?
Ah. Umm...
What, now you're stumped?
No, it's just...
It's gonna sound funny,
but it's not funny.
Nothing is funny.
Jesus Christ!
We just lost an
entire fucking--
It feels like I have to shit,
but I don't.
It's like the same heaviness
you feel when you have to shit.
That core of your body,
low down, your center.
Oh, my God, man.
What are you--
The first few times it felt like
I couldn't get to the
toilet fast enough.
But then I'd be sitting there,
and nothing was happening,
which made perfect sense because
I shitted just that morning.
So why did it feel like there
was a bowling ball down there?
What... is... even
happening right now?
I went to doctors and
all they could think was
maybe psychological,
which made me angry.
I knew what I was
experiencing was real,
but I didn't have
any better ideas.
Until the day I had the feeling
at the exact same moment
I was looking at a map.
A map of what?
The world.
Why would you be on the shitter
looking at a map of--
I was cramming for a pub quiz.
It's the same old story.
Oh, yeah, sure.
That old chestnut.
What in God's name
are you even fu--
There was a guy and he was hot
and he asked me to be
on his quiz team, and--
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on, hold on.
A guy?
A hot guy?
What happened to
Michelle Meyrink?
I... I mean, Brent.
Bisexuals do exist, you know.
Well, I'm sorry for the
erasure, David Bowie.
We just lost a
whole fucking city.
Gonna lose a lot more than that.
Say what?
Now, I don't know
where he got the idea,
but somehow he thought
I was this ace at geography.
And you know me, Brent.
I always want to have
something to offer.
Oh, yeah, sure. Classic Leo.
-Womp, womp.
-So I went along with it.
So I'm on the john, and I'm
looking at all these countries,
and I realize it's just
gonna be a disaster.
There's whole cities that
are in different continents
than I thought they were.
I was going to lose
the game and the guy,
just like I always do.
And then just as my
colon contracted for the...
third time.
My eyes just went to the
southern tip of South Africa.
And somehow, I just
knew to a certainty
that what was happening
in my gut was directly tied
to what was happening there.
Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.
What's your, uh, wh-what?
Two hours later...
All over the news...
What the hell is this man?
What are you telling
me right now?
I feel the Earth, Brent.
I feel it...
deep inside me.
When it moves...
I move.
I move with the Earth.
I feel...
the Earth.
You're saying
that because you looked at a map
while taking a dump,
while taking a dump,
you somehow concluded--
Oh, my God, look at this shit.
I know.
They're saying...
Hold on.
They're saying...
They're saying the wave
went all the way to--
Oh, thank fuck my mom
moved to Saint Paul.
It won't matter.
Some ladys saying they, um...
It's just this...
This line of official
looking assholes.
She, shes saying...
There's... there's no way
they could have known.
She's right.
We're like, two minutes out.
They're already
covering their asses.
Oh, they're right, though.
They couldn't have known.
This is new.
I've been feeling the
Earth for a while now
and I never felt it
shift like this before.
I didn't know it could.
But you...
You called it several
minutes beforehand
because you had to take a dump?
I said it feels like
having to take a dump.
You're saying
every time you feel
a deuce coming on,
there's an earthquake?
No. Sometimes it's just a deuce.
I am a person.
It's just hard to tell
the two feelings apart,
even after a couple years.
A couple years?
A couple, a couple years
you've been having this?
I think partly it's that they
both feel so organic,
you know?
Like the most natural
thing in the world.
Shorty, I just
listened to you howl
like you were being tortured.
Well, sure.
Nothing's more
natural than pain.
Hold the fuck on.
You just howled.
What, you mean a minute ago?
Yeah, yeah, a minute ago.
You just made a huge
goddamn pain noise
a minute ago.
Why'd you do that?
Well, I'm not doing
it on purpose.
But the earthquake already
happened. It's, uh...
It's over.
Sh-shouldn't the-the-the
the feeling stop too?
It stops when the
Earth stops. Yeah.
The Earth hasn't stopped.
It's still moving.
And it's going to keep moving
for a long time.
You're saying...
I mean, I mean, uhh...
You're saying...
When you cried out just now...
That was Uruguay and Argentina.
Oh, come the fuck on!
You should be seeing them
on your news feed soon.
Okay, you know what?
I'm sorry, umm.
The exact same thing
is not gonna happen
in two totally different
parts of the world
on the exact same night.
That's the wrong way
to think about it.
Excuse me?
The Earth doesn't think of
Seattle and South America
as different places.
They're all just extensions
of a single structure.
When one part of that
structure moves, it pushes
on all the other parts.
What happened to Seattle...
What's happening
right now in Argentina...
What's about to happen
everywhere else...
From the Earth's point of
view, it's all one thing.
What do you mean
everywhere else?
Well somewhere...
far below us for
a really long time.
I'm talking deep
into prehistory.
There's been some kind of...
build-up happening.
Some kind of pressure.
Two solid pieces of...
something, I don't know what,
have been aligned
against each other
in some kind of
intolerable adjacency.
One of these pieces
has always wanted to move
One of these pieces
has always wanted to move
One of these pieces
has always wanted to move
and the other has always
wanted to stay still.
And today...
and I know this
because I can feel it
deep in my rectum,
the moving part won.
It pushed hard enough
on the unmoving part
to snap off the piece
that was in its way.
So now it's free to move
as much as it wants to
and it's not going
to stop moving
until it hits something
strong enough to make it stop.
And until that happens...
More tsunamis.
For a start.
For a start?
But of course.
New volcanoes. Old volcanoes
coming back to life.
Superheated geysers.
And you-you-you
you can somehow
tell, based on, uh,
which part of your
your butthole hurts,
where in the world
somethings gonna...
And right now it's everywhere.
I'm actually gonna try and
grit my teeth and bear it
for the rest of the call,
because if I flip out
every time it happens tonight,
I'm going to get myself killed.
Okay. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.
Why would you
get yourself killed?
All right, back off, people.
I'm talking to Shorty right now.
Oh, lot of calls coming in?
Oh, do you think?
You think maybe I'm
getting some calls?
Do you want to take one of them?
No, I don't want to--
Are you out of your mind!?
I'm with you for the duration!
Well, that's awfully
nice to hear, but I would
-completely understand if--
-Oh, hold on. You think
I'm being nice?
Oh, well, I--
You think I'm keeping
you on this call
out of fear of bruising
your tender heart?
Sounds like something happened.
Yeah, while you were
monologuing just now.
All that frou-frou
shit about the Earth.
Argentina, Uruguay.
Just the short paragraphs.
Like you said.
No real information.
So no, Shorty, I'm not letting
you off this fuckin phone.
You think if I had
Lee Harvey Oswald?
You think if I, who, uh,
Nixon, fresh off resigning?
You think if goddamn
Bin Laden called my show
before the second tower fell?
Well, I don't know how I feel
about these comparisons, Brent--
You think I had any of
those assholes on at the moment
of their greatest relevance
that Id even take a
call from my mom!?
Oh, well, I hope your mom
isn't listening right now.
I hope she is!
I hope she knows
she raised her boy
not to take his
hand off the bridle,
no matter how hard
the beast kicks!
My numbers are going up
like a filling station
under Jimmy Carter
because everyone is
telling everyone about you.
So I hope my mom is listening
in fucking surround sound
when I say, I wouldn't kick you
out of bed for Kelly LeBrock!
Well, that obviously
means a lot to me, Brent,
particularly as an adolescent
devotee of "Weird Science".
But, since we'll have to
start planning soon--
See, okay, I don't,
I don't get that.
You know, everyone
says "Weird Science".
She's clearly hotter in
"The Woman in Red".
How did "Weird Science"
become the go to?
Well, the merits of
each film aside, Brent,
if you're a teenager,
"Weird Science" offers you
point-of-view characters
you can identify with--
She's more naked in
"The Woman in Red"!
How is this even a discussion?
But hes thwarted, Brent!
Gene Wilder's thwarted
in his pursuit of her.
Whereas "Weird Science"
allows you to imagine,
"Perhaps if I was smart enough,
if I worked hard enough,
perhaps I too could
invent Kelly LeBrock."
Wait, wait a minute.
Pla-plan-planning what?
You said we have to start...
planning soon.
What do you think
we're gonna...?
Right, so if you wanted to call
your mom before we got into that
phone lines in Saint Paul
should be fine for a while
and I'd be happy to call back.
Wait, wait a minute.
Did I tell you my mom lives in--
Is in Saint Paul?
Yeah, a couple minutes ago.
You said something like,
"Thank God she's in Saint Paul."
Right, right, right, right.
And you said...
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter that she lives
thousands of miles away
from either coast?
Well, I don't know how in the
weeds you want to get, but--
Are you saying there's
a tsunami coming
Big enough to hit the motherfu--
What? Hit the Twin Cities?
No, come on. That's crazy.
Its not like she's
gonna die this week.
This week?
Your mom's, what?
At least 60?
Probably more,
but at least that?
I'm just saying that over a
certain age, its hard to...
without access to hospitals.
Leo, what's going to
happen to the hospitals?
I'm saying without easy
access to hospitals--
Whats going to
happen to the hospitals
in the middle of the
fucking continent?
Well, Brent, I mean,
after every coastal city
in North America is
smashed into rubble,
the economy's going to
fall apart pretty fast--
Who says that every
coastal city is gonna fall--
I do.
So that means no
central authority,
governmental or corporate.
So there won't be any
organizing entity to
distribute essential goods.
You mean, you mean food?
Well, food, yeah.
But also medical supplies,
prescription drugs, antibiotics.
And when there's
a run on the stores...
And there's gonna be
a run on the stores,
that's traditionally the
kind of scenario where
younger people come out best.
Shorty, what the hell?
Yeah, sorry. Sorry.
I said I would try
to suppress that.
I apologize.
What-what did we just lose Guam?
What the fuck is happening?
No, the Carolinas.
As in North
and South?
I'm just saying
you have to think
about the prevailing mentality
in the wake of a
paradigm shift like that.
Whose mentality?
My mom's?
Doctors, nurses, hospital staff.
My guess is they'll try to keep
working for a while.
You know, sense of duty.
But if you've got
family at home,
the shelves at the
stores are all empty...
Past a certain point
you're just going to raid
the supply closet and run.
Eventually folks are gonna
show up at the hospital
and find nobody there.
I'm not saying your mom needs
any kind of regular
medical attention.
She does.
Seriously, Brent,
if you need to call her...
So, so, so.
So we do something, right?
All that shit you just said...
We don't let it happen.
Oh, okay.
We've got you!
Yeah, I figured wed
have to do this part.
I've got the platform.
You've got the bowels.
Let's save some lives.
Where's the next one? The, uhh..
The Carolinas, right?
When's that happening?
It doesn't matter.
Well, of course it matters
if you know where the
next one's coming.
It's the Carolinas next.
Then Spain.
Okay, great. The Carolinas.
We can, we can work with that.
Even if it's just, uh, just,
uh, a half an hour again,
like the last one,
we could still, uhh--
It's not going to be
in half an hour.
The biggest tsunami in
Earth history is gonna hit
North and South Carolina
in a couple of minutes.
Uh, hold on, hold on, hold on.
But it's only going
to hold that title
for a couple more minutes
and then an even bigger one
is gonna hit
Portugal and Morocco
-and then a couple
-Okay, thats enough.
Okay, thats enough, Shorty.
-minutes after that--
-Thats enough, Shorty.
Thats enough!
When does it stop?
I mean...
It's not.
Of course it's going to stop.
Everything stops.
Okay, technically, yeah,
it's gonna stop,
but not in any way
that's meaningful to...
Fuck you.
No trailing off.
To... what?
Human life spans.
A couple generations
of people is...
What? A hundred years?
It's not going to stop
in a hundred years.
This is the Earth.
It's on its own time.
It barely knows we're here.
Picture a dog circling
its favorite pillow
for a thousand years.
It's thinking about the nap...
not the fleas.
Then why the fuck
did you call me?
Shorty, whyd you call me?
What are we doing here?
In a weird way...
I've been dreaming of answering
this question for two years.
Two years?
What's two years?
Two years since what?
Since I started
feeling the Earth,
and realizing what that meant.
How I could use it.
What I could offer.
What happened-what happened
two years ago that you can--
What-you-you got bitten by
a magic tectonic plate?
I already told you,
the breathing.
Oh, yeah, the breathing.
Yeah, Brent.
I led with this. Cmon.
So, youre, youre...
You're saying all that, umm...
off-brand Tibetan bullshit
you pulled to get into
Michelle Faux-rinks pants...
Not to get in her pants,
to get her to fall
in love with me
-and then possibly--
-You're saying, you're
saying that that...
somehow caused you to--
But of course it didn't work.
It never works.
By the time I have
something to offer...
they've always moved on,
and she was no different.
She got hired somewhere real,
left the shared office space,
and that was that.
You didn't just drop the whole
mystical respiration
shtick immediately?
Oh, I was way too far down
the rabbit hole by then.
The rabbit hole of
mindful breathing?
You laugh, but...
I bet you're reading about
the Carolinas right now.
Fuck you.
I'm not happy about it!
I'm not gloating.
It's just what is.
It's like there
was a war.
I probably should
have worked with
a proper breathing
coach, you know?
Somebody who knew
what they were doing
and would
adhere to just
one of the traditions,
rather than--
Oh, the traditions again.
The breathing traditions.
But gurus are expensive,
and books are cheap,
and websites are free.
So I started mixing and
matching my favorite stuff
from various sources.
Eastern, New Age...
Whatever it was.
But I kept hitting this wall.
You know, like this one
level I couldnt get past.
And eventually I realized
I couldn't advance any further
while I was around a
whole world of people
breathing in short, frantic,
workaholic bursts.
Its like trying to sing
one particular song
while everyone around you
is singing a different one.
How would you even know
if, if you're advancing
in the field of--
So I started going into forests
and clearings, late at night.
Anywhere I could think
of where I could get
other people's rhythms
out of my mind
and just focus on...
breathing in tandem
with the Earth.
But, Leo...
You're gonna mock me.
-I know.
-No, no, Shorty.
Im not. I promise, Im not.
Im-I'm just asking...
The Earth doesn't have lungs.
How do you breathe in tandem
with something that's...
not breathing?
are you ever alone?
Am I alone?
Is your life ever quiet?
I mean...
I mean, you're a fan.
Right? You listen to the show.
Every episode. Sometimes twice.
You know I'm not married.
Got no kids.
My mom lives in Saint Paul.
Right, but--
So any given night,
if I'm not fucking somebody,
I'm alone.
Next question?
And of all those
people youre fucking,
not one of them--
Oh, no, no, no.
Don't say "people".
They're all women.
Don't lump me in with your
fucking gender neutral--
Of all these women, not one
of them is your Meyrink?
My what?
Not one of them is your
"one that got away"?
Did you seriously just
lob that phrase at me?
Well, I worry about you, Brent.
I listen every night--
The fucking apocalypse is nigh
and you're coming at me with
"the one that got away"?
Well, if there's no one
like that for you, then fine.
-Anyone could be that, Leo!
-The point Im making is--
Any pair of tits
I put in an Uber
any given morning of my life
could be my Meyrink.
Okay, Brent. Im just--
Meaning, none of them are.
Okay, Brent.
Before I was Brent Ziff,
what the fuck were
they doing with me?
Now I am Brent Ziff,
I know what they're
doing with me.
That's how you think about it?
That's not how I think about it.
That's what is.
All right.
So, am I ever alone, smart guy?
Yes, always.
Well, but not really
though, right?
Excuse me?
Like you said, I'm a fan.
I see the rest of it too.
There's no rest of it.
I see you up at all hours
answering questions
on Twitter, Insta, Discord.
Yeah, I'm a brand.
I never denied it.
Plus, you have new ads
all the time, new sponsors.
So you must be in contact with
those people on
an ongoing basis.
I don't know what point you're--
I run a one-man business.
Of course I talk to--
Are you asking if I'm busy?
I'm saying, do you ever feel
like you're properly alone?
Not lonely.
But just...
with yourself?
I mean...
I mean...
Ahhh, fuck.
There's more news coming up.
Something about...
Thats just gonna keep happening
til the internet goes out.
Can we please stay focused?
Youre telling me to stay--
Im--wait. The internets gon--
Im asking you, Brent,
you may physically be alone,
but do you ever actually
feel like it?
Well, I mean, Jesus. No.
I'm by myself.
There's nobody else in the room.
But I feel people there,
pressing on me.
All their wants or whatever.
All their...
See, that's what I thought.
Listening to your show.
Watching you online...
And I don't blame you either.
A man like you,
with your responsibilities.
What else can you do?
I think sometimes...
When I think about
how fast it happened...
How fast the show went from
nobody giving a shit to...
Ah, I'm sorry. There's...
Theres some new--
Turn your screens off,
if you need to.
Yeah, not happening.
It's like there was no interim.
Like I surfaced without
decompressing first.
Like I went from
nobody to somebody
without getting the fucking...
bullet points, or...
That's what I'm trying to say.
Alone isnt all bad.
Being nobody isn't all bad.
Like, for example, if
nobodys tweeting at you
or calling you with some offer.
If nobody gives a
shit about you at all.
One thing you can do
with all that disregard
is go deep into the woods
while the sun is setting
and stay there til it gets
too dark to find your way out.
Oh, that's one of the plusses?
That's the kind of quiet
that makes you realize
you never knew
what quiet was before.
And honestly, Brent,
until you've been
in that kind of
darkness and quiet
night after night...
I don't think you can say
that the Earth doesn't breathe.
It takes a long time. Sure.
So many hours...
of silence,
before you can finally hear it.
That breathing...
The breathing of the earth.
You know whats amazing?
Tell me, Brent.
That whole time
you were talking,
all that, uhh...
lyrical, whatever?
I was watching a helicopter
slowly crash in Lisbon.
How did they get a camera on it?
Camera was inside.
Some reporter. They, um...
Tried to fly
above the wave, but...
Clipped them.
Just enough to...
I just watched them go down...
through the lens of a
camera they were holding.
Like you're dying
through their eyes.
Well, that's what I'm saying.
Imagine there was a way
to watch that video
over and over until
you reached a point
that you could literally
feel that crash.
The pain. The heat.
The metal bending and
wrapping around your body.
That you could feel it
just as much as they did.
That's what you have
with the Earth?
That's right!
You're saying that just fr-from
going into the woods
night after night--
Or fields or meadows.
Yeah, and-and-and breathing
in tandem with the Earth,
you somehow...
synched up?
I mean, I couldn't
prove it to a scientist.
I only know the two things
happened in close succession.
One after the other.
I breathed with the Earth.
And then I felt the Earth.
And I've been feeling it
ever since.
God, it's weird to hear
just nothing on "Brent Free".
congrats, my constipated friend.
You just achieved
what the FCC couldn't.
The calls are still
coming in, right?
Oh, yeah. We got calls.
No fear. We got calls
coming out of our...
Can you unmute
them so I can hear?
What? What's funny?
Oh, it's just...
I was thinking...
Worst superpower ever!
What do you mean?
Foreknowledge of
the end of the world,
paired with an utter inability
to do anything about it.
You take the cake, Leo Short.
The world's not ending.
Excuse me?
The world's not ending.
You literally just said
this isn't gonna stop.
I mean, obviously, many
lives are ending, sure.
But that's not the same as--
Ohhh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Fuck you.
No way.
Are you about to get
going on some, umm,
"Earth is healing,
we are the virus" shit?
Cause I'll tell you
right now, buddy.
If it's the end of
the human race,
I consider that
the end of the world.
It won't be the end
of the human race.
At least I don't think so.
Oh, so there's limits
to your psychic powers?
Oh, yeah. They're super limited.
I barely know anything.
So all that shit you said
about hospitals and my mom?
That was general
conjecture, Brent.
Anyone could anticipate that.
It's not like
I saw it in a vision.
I'm not a prophet.
All I know is how
the Earth will move
and the immediate
natural result.
Like, for example, I know that
everyone who lives near
any coast in the world
will be dead by...
best guess, about...
10 am tomorrow.
Oh, God Almighty.
But the people in the
middle of the continents,
the ones who won't
feel the direct impact,
only the results...
Like us?
The rest of us.
With no power.
No communications.
Way less food.
Way less medicine.
All social stability gone.
What happens because of that...
isn't up to the Earth.
I don't know how
its going to turn out.
Now you're saying
we can survive, just...
It'll never be easy again.
None of us will ever know rest.
Not for... generations.
Every meal we eat
will have to be grown
or hunted,
or hoarded,
or taken by force
from somebody else.
Every time we go to sleep,
we'll risk someone killing us
for the packet of
crackers in our pocket.
But Brent--
I only just got rich!
I only ju--I had, like,
a year of it.
But this is where
you come in, Brent.
This is where you shine!
All that scary
stuff I just said.
All of it can be mitigated
by one thing, right?
Banding together to
combine their food,
their medicine,
their weapons.
Taking turns watching
while other people sleep.
What are you saying right
now, Shorty?
Can you please
unmute the phones?
Oh, God, Shorty,
it's not unmuting.
That's just a thing I say.
Its all...
No, please. For me.
You said I gave
you great ratings.
Best I ever had.
Ever will have...
I just wanna hear them.
It would mean
everything to me.
You know what?
Anything for you, baby.
Fill your boots.
Let's party.
You hear that, Shorty?
That pack of sonic coyotes?
It's like hearing a
dream come true.
Well, drink it in, Damien,
cause it's all for you!
You know what that is, right?
-All those calls.
What are you saying?
From all over this country?
Those are our numbers.
Those are our people.
That's our nation!
Our what!?
What's our nation?
and mine.
Think about it, Brent.
When it dawns on
everyone that this is real,
that it's irreversible,
that there's no going back...
Anyone who doesn't
just give up and die
is going to start
building their army.
Their friends.
Their neighbors.
Anyone who can
carry a steak knife.
And whoever has the
biggest one of those...
They're the nation.
They're the new country.
How did this conversation
get even more insane?
And normally, that would be
whoever has the best leverage.
The most guns, the
most food, whatever.
But today...
Our leverage beats
everyone else's.
What leverage?
What could you possibly
be talking about--
Im the leverage!
The leverage is ME!
And that beats anything
anyone else has to offer!
Guns, tanks, missiles.
None of it matters because
I'm the only one
who knows where its safe
to sleep at night!
The Earths not gonna stop
moving, not for a hundred years.
And I'm the only person
alive who can say,
"Go that way if you
don't want to die!"
Leo, you think you and I--
That were somehow gonna...
Thats our citizens
calling in right now.
They're waiting for
you to tell them
to grab all their food
and all their weapons
and get to Denver right now,
while the roads are still open.
You said it yourself, Brent.
You've got the show...
I've got the bowels.
You're completely
out of your mind.
We don't have to talk
over the details now.
I'll be there soon.
What do you mean you'll be here?
Google Maps thinks
I'm pretty close by.
Thank God for
these things, right?
I never had much luck
with actual maps.
Wait, wait. Hang on, hang on.
Wyoming's at least, uh...
Oh Brent, I haven't been in
Wyoming for a while now.
Wait, wait. Are you-what-what?
Did you
think I was in the
bathroom this whole time?
Where are you?
I'm in my car.
On my way to you, Brent.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You can't be serious.
Of course.
What did you think this was?
What have we been talking about
this whole time?
Okay, you, you
need to stop.
You need to stop.
I need to think.
I need to, uh...
There's no time to think.
Nobody knows that
better than me.
There's only time to act.
Look, look, look, look, look.
Just, just stay where you are.
I ju- I ju- I just need a
couple of minutes to, um--
I've been alone
my whole life, Brent.
The last person who wanted
to be around was my mom,
and she died years ago.
The only thing that's gotten
me through those years
without blowing my
goddamn brains out...
Oh God. Please don't say it.
...was your show.
Your voice.
Making fun of us.
Talking shit like a buddy would,
like you were right there.
And I would sit there.
And I would listen to you.
And I couldn't help myself.
I couldn't help
but have my one...
secret wish.
One day...
he'll need me
as much as I need him.
Leo, Leo, this...
You, this, this is
a fantasy, man.
You and I aren't going
to start some, what, what,
nomad utopia?
This is a delusion.
We're just a couple of assholes.
Look at all those calls, man.
Does that look like
a delusion to you?
I just, I want...
I want to go back.
The Earth doesn't
do that, Brent.
Never has.
I gotta hang up now.
It's starting to get kind of
hairy on the highway.
Word must be getting around.
I'm seeing pile-ups,
people crying on the shoulder.
And this up here...
Oh, man. Up here.
- Yep. That SUVs on fire!
Okay, I, I need you to stop.
I need you to stop
what you're doing.
Hey, its on fi--No, no.
I can't talk, feel the earth and
navigate all at the same time.
So I'm going to
focus on the last two.
I'll be there soon.
No, no, Leo. Leo, please.
Please dont hang up. Please.
No, but I have to, Brent.
How else can you take
all those other calls?
Other ca--
You think Im about to
start recruiting, Leo?
Like I'm some kind of--
Leo, please, please.
Please keep talking to me.
I will, Brent.
I promise.
We're going to be
talking to each other
for the rest of our lives.
Leo, wait.
Leo. Leo, wait!
I can't.
It's too much.
I can't!
I only just got where
I wanted to be.
What do you, so...
fucking many of you.
What do you think I'm gonna...
Let's do it.
Who's first?
Who's my first cadet?
Hi there.
You're on with Brent Ziff,
and I am living
"Brent Free" in your--
Can you get him back?
Leo, can you get him
back on the line?
Leo's gone, man.
Please, please.
Just get him back on the line.
I gotta talk to him.
Leo's gone, baby.
It's just me.
What do you want?
I wanna sign up.
I want to volunteer.
Oh, so you're fucking in?
I want to be in Leo's army.
I want to be in the new nation.
I just need to put some distance
between me and this--
Oh, fuck!
We'll just, uh...
get somebody else.
Hi there.
You're on with Brent Ziff,
and I am living Brent Fr--
Everyone I know is in
Myrtle Beach, Brent.
I, I dont know what to do.
All right, slow down, man.
Slow down a sec--
Tell Leo, Im in!
I'll do whatever he wants.
All right, calm down, calm down.
Just-just tell me where you are.
I need something, man.
Everyone I know is--
Oh, shit!
What the fuck are they...
What, what, what's happening?
Whats happening!?
Theyre cops!
Theyre not supposed to be--
Oh, my God. Oh, oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Okay, just, just, uh, get
somewhere safe, man.
Just, just fucking hide!
Its okay!
I-Im not a looter!
I'm on your side!
I'm putting my hands up!
I'm on your side.
I'm, Im on YOUR side!
Shit, shit, shit!
Hi there.
I'm "Brent Free" and youre...
Uh, youre, youre on
with Brent Ziff,
and I'm living
Brent... Free in your...
I can't reach my mom either.
I can't reach my mother, Brent.
I'm calling and Im calling,
and I just, I just
get these beeps.
You never mentioned--
Shes all alone, Brent.
And, and, shes all alone.
And, I'm all alone.
And I just want my mom.
Um, please help me.
Please help me call my mom.
Brainiac, where are you?
I'm scared, Brent.
I need you.
Please, help me.
I don't know what to do.
Pray with me, Brent.
Just stay on the line,
and pray with me.
Fuck off.
You're on the air,
whoever you are.
Can you tell Leo
something from me?
What do you want, man?
I would have been
his best soldier.
Very best.
Would have been?
Just, make sure he knows that.
And Julie...
if you're listening...
I'm sorry.
Brent, just tell me where to be.
I'll go anywhere.
I'll, Ill go anywhere!
Just tell me wher--
Child of God?
What the fu...
Okay, uh,
folks, think I'm, umm...
Think I'm having kind of a
co-connection issue here.
Just, uh... just give me
a couple seconds.
Okay, uh, folks,
if you're calling in,
just keep trying, okay?
Just keep calling, jus--
Cmon, cmon, cmon.
Ffffuck you, internet.
Hello, is anyone out here?
Hey, does anyone have
a working cellphone?
Is someone there?
Hello, I just need a phone!
I'm, Im, Im just trying
to reach my family.
I, I, I don't want
anything from you.
Just, just...
Can someone help me, please?
Is, is someone there?
Please, can someone help me?