Fitzwilly (1967) Movie Script

Once upon a time,
the very privileged
lived the way we still do,
in quiet luxury,
elegance, grace.
It's an almost
vanished way of life.
Not easy to hold on to,
and terribly expensive
to maintain.
Good morning,
Mr. Fitzwilliam.
It's a lovely day.
Thank you, Oliver.
I do my best.
Miss Woodworth,
wherever she is.
Good morning,
Miss Vicki.
You're in uniform!
Fall in.
I missed you yesterday.
I hate your day off.
Did you enjoy
your luncheon
with Mrs. Mudge?
No. Fool woman's
on a diet.
Gave me one egg
and a lettuce leaf.
Well, let's repay
evil with good.
We'll give her
chocolate souffle tonight.
Bless you.
She'd gain a ton.
Where are you off to,
Fitzwilly? Shopping?
Do you want anything,
Miss Vicki?
Well, you might pick up
one or two African safari
tents when you can.
African safari tents.
Yes, ma'am.
So the boys can camp out.
It'll toughen them up
for the dangers
that lie ahead,
college, marriage,
Wall Street.
Or Altman's during
the holiday season.
Right down this aisle.
Thank you very much.
Come on.
Silverware, please.
Fourth floor, sir,
if you mean Sterling.
One hardly recognizes
anything else.
Twelve demitasse,
twelve soup,
twelve butter knives,
six sugar tongs,
you got that?
Good girl.
Charge that to
Mrs. G. Duncan
62 Sutton Place South
and send it today.
For a cookout tomorrow.
It's an emergency,
but you strike me as the type
who can handle emergencies.
Don't you worry.
It'll go out.
You just sign this.
Alistair Hathaway
for Mrs. G. D. Abercrombie.
Altman's Shipping.
Fred Meyers?
Yeah, just a minute.
Gosh, I hope Mother
hasn't taken a turn
for the worse.
Fred Meyers speaking.
Oh, yes, Doctor.
Are you at the flat
with Mother?
No, dear boy,
I am with the phone
at Altman's
where a chest
of silver, addressed
to a Mrs. Abercrombie...
It has?
Straight to you?
Then take it as a sign,
Garland, and send it
to St. Dismas.
Ooh, of course, Doctor.
And thank you very much.
Lord and Taylor Shipping,
Fred Meyers speaking.
Well, yes, Doctor.
How's Mom?
I'll pick up the medicine
as soon as I can.
Jensen's shipping room.
Fred Meyers here.
Oh, yes, Doctor.
How did you find poor Mama?
Good hunting, sir?
Oh, fair bag, I'd say.
Silver, antique mirrors,
color television set.
And now the Gourmet, I think,
for some goodies.
And besides
the Chablis,
I want four cases
of champagne.
Blanc de Blanc, 1961.
Deliver chilled at exactly
3:30 this afternoon.
The reception is at 6:00.
It'll be there. Now,
that's charge and deliver
to Mr. Paul Deckendorfer,
at 349 West 79th Street.
Right. We'll give you a hand.
No trouble with the
Deckendorfer butler?
No, he was too busy
counting what Albert
lost to him at gin.
Oh, very good.
Pierre, uh,
let's have a case of
that champagne inside.
That's a good idea,
I think St. Dismas would
want to share it with us.
Wait! Don't
close up shop!
Twenty $10 ties
on one sale slip.
How's that
Mr. Fitzwilliam?
Well, I'll check
the record, but I think
that's a new high.
Good afternoon,
Mr. Fitzwilliam.
The silver came
and went.
Oh, and very
nice it was, too.
Thank you, Garland.
All right, Albert.
Off to Philadelphia.
My regards to
Uncle Buckmaster,
of course.
And don't forget
to reimburse yourself
for the gin rummy game.
I'd rather take
the loss, sir,
as a punishment
for gambling.
Well, children,
a toast.
To our good neighbor,
Mr. Deckendorfer,
from whom this evening's
blessings flow.
I will now report on
the state of our union.
St. Dismas Thrift Shoppe
in Philadelphia
took in $5,100,
while our home organization,
Serenity Through the Word,
reaped over $900,
making a total of a neat,
tax-free $6,000.
Uh, I'm sorry, sir.
I'm sorry,
but most of that is gone,
plus a bit more.
An old check
of Miss Woodworth's
just came through.
$10,000 to the Tenzing
Mountaineer's School in Nepal.
That's near Tibet.
She was reading
The Conquest of Everest
a few months ago.
Bless her heart.
Well, we must remember
that if Miss Vicki
sails out her front door
as though she
owned the world,
it's because she thinks
she still does.
Still, Mr. Fitzwilliam,
it would be a comfort
if we could build up
our reserve to cover
things like this.
We can, Simmons.
We have an opportunity
to make a rather large
sum of money immediately.
Outside the door right now,
in the pocket of a young
interior decorator named,
uh, for reasons known
only to his mother,
Byron Casey.
Isn't that Pat Casey's boy
who used to be second footman
at old Mrs. Nieberhaus'
in Philadelphia?
Where my Uncle Buckmaster's
been the butler for, lo,
these 40 years.
What's the deal, sir?
Byron has been
given $150,000
to refurnish
the Horace Appleton house
in West Palm Beach.
His problem is, he would like
to keep as much of the cash
as possible.
A problem sharpened
by the fact
that he already spent
a good deal of it
on personal matters.
Now, Byron is eager
to turn over the furnishing
of the house to us
along with $75,000.
Now, it means
some work for all of us,
but whatever
we don't spend
of the 75 is ours.
We don't need
to spend any of it.
We can keep the whole 75.
Mr. Fitzwilliam,
let's do it!
- Oh, yes!
- Yes.
Well, in that case,
let's hear from the man
with the problem.
Byron Casey.
Will you do it,
Mr. Fitzwilliam? Will you
take this and save me?
Uh, for the sake
of your father, Byron,
and auld lang syne.
Oh. Thank you.
Thank you all!
Hello, Garland.
Remember me?
Oh, yes, indeed...
And you can do it,
have everything down
in Florida by January 3rd
when the Appletons
get back from Europe.
You doubt it, Byron?
Not if you say so,
Mr. Fitzwilliam.
Thank you, Byron.
I know you have a plane
to catch, so if you'll
just give us
a list of the furnishings
you'll need, exactly, we'll...
Oh. Carry on, Byron.
It's just Mrs. Mudge
for dinner.
Oh, my!
I mean, hi.
Good evening.
I didn't mean
to sound so startled.
It's just that
I've never seen a butler
in full rig before.
Are there many of you left?
We're getting scarce
like so many things.
Such as good manners.
Oh, was I rude?
I'm sorry.
May I help you, Miss?
Um, well, you could start
by letting me in.
My name is Juliet Nowell.
I have an appointment
with Miss Woodworth.
Uh, by arrangement with whom
in reference to what?
By arrangement with her
in reference
to secretarial work.
I'm afraid I don't understand.
Did Miss Woodworth
get in touch with you?
I'm afraid I don't think
that's any of your business,
but just to keep the peace,
she stopped by
the personnel department
of Columbia University
yesterday and asked them
to send someone,
so here I am.
Oh, yes. Come in.
Sit down, won't you,
while I explain.
Explain what?
I'm afraid I owe you
an apology, Miss...
I was supposed to have
called you hours ago, but,
well, it slipped by mind.
You see,
Miss Woodworth is very old
and rather eccentric.
So I'm sure
you can understand
that while she felt
urgently in need of
secretarial help yesterday,
today she does not.
Funny, when I talked to her
at 4:00 today, she still
felt urgently in need.
It's 7:00.
More than enough time
for an eccentric old lady
to change her mind,
don't you think.
Fitzwilly, is that
the girl from Columbia?
Yes, it is.
Well, come on up.
You're late.
Miss Vicki doesn't like
to be kept waiting.
Out of some
horror movie, that man.
I hope you don't talk
to yourself, Miss.
She does, and I do,
and we both hate it.
Well, my name
is Juliet Nowell.
My father is
an assistant professor
of medieval English
at Columbia University
where I'm doing graduate work
in American history.
I have a B.A. from Smith,
I'm a good typist,
um, fair stenographer,
and I'd like a part time job
because I want to buy a car
and go for rides
in the country.
A good statement.
Most people tell
too much or too little.
All right.
How do you spell geriatrics?
Uh, J-E-R-R-Y-A-T-R-I-X.
Well, there's always
the dictionary.
There are 19 ways
to spell it,
18 of them wrong.
How would you find it
if you couldn't spell it?
I guess I'd use a synonym.
There is no synonym
for geriatrics.
Of course, you could guess
and look it up or guess again.
Or I could just stop
wasting your time.
If you wanted
a gifted speller,
you don't want me.
Now, you sit down.
I'm a gifted speller.
I was just demonstrating
the importance of my work,
which is writing a dictionary
for people who can't spell.
I call it,
Inquire Within.
I list all the ways
that a word
should not be spelled
and then tell you
how it should be.
When it's published,
children and illiterates
like you
will rise as one
and bless me.
But that's a fabulous idea!
You like it? Good!
Then if Fitzwilly
passes on you,
you can start tomorrow.
The butler?
The butler has to
pass on me?
What's the matter?
Are you a snob?
Fitzwilly passes
on everything here,
hires, fires,
manages my money,
balances my checkbook.
The man's an
absolute marvel.
He's the thirteenth
Fitzwilliam to
be a butler.
Now what do you
think of that?
I think it shows
a lack of progress.
Come in.
You rang, Miss Vicki?
Will you talk over
the secretarial job
with Miss Nowell
and see what
can be arranged?
Well, certainly, but...
But you'd like
a word with her first.
Of course.
I'll wait downstairs.
I enjoyed meeting you
so much, Miss Woodworth.
See you tomorrow.
You must have forgotten.
I've already hired you
a secretary.
She's due next week.
Do you mean Jane Fairchild,
the Vanderbilt butler's niece?
She's got pink eyelids,
like a bunny.
Anyway, we could use
some fresh ideas around here.
And Miss Nowell
struck you as teeming
with great thoughts?
She didn't like you,
either, Fitzwilly.
It'll make things
Well, I certainly don't
want to force anyone on you,
Miss Vicki, I just
wish I hadn't given
the Fairchild girl my word.
Oh, dear. Did you?
Your word?
I can tell
by the Cheshire cat smile
that I haven't got the job,
but don't start telling me
a lot of buttery butlery lies
because there's something
I'd like to tell you.
Whatever you're up to
with that wonderful old lady,
you ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
You start tomorrow.
10:00 a.m.
Four hours a day,
$100 a week
because no matter what
I am "up to" with that
wonderful old lady...
Excuse me.
I'm dying of hunger.
I am faint.
Good evening, Mrs. Mudge.
The canopies are ready.
Charles, would you
take Mrs. Mudge up?
And tell Grimsby
I'd like to see her
in my office.
...because I also
find her wonderful
and can deny her nothing,
even a secretary
who obviously
will be idiotic,
interfering and ill-kept.
As you say.
We'll expect you at 10:00.
Good night, Miss Nowell.
Old Stanley Thayer Truelove
Woodworth must have left her
$10 million
or even $20 million.
Just hotting it up,
Thank you, Maggie.
I've been waiting 10 minutes
for that molten lava to cool.
I don't wanna
hurt her feelings.
She loves me.
Oh, Father, you always
think waitresses love you
and they always do.
should I take
that job?
The dictionary
sounds like fun.
Miss Woodworth sounds
a little loony but a lamb.
All that bothers me
is why they're paying you
twice the going rate.
it doesn't bother me.
If Miss Woodworth
is all that rich,
why would I care?
No, Juliet, the rich don't
get rich or stay rich
by overpaying, over-tipping
or remembering the doorman's
Anyway, I thought
she left arrangements
to the sinister butler.
Hey, that's right.
And he hates me.
Now, why would
he overpay me?
It's dangerous
having that girl
in the house, Claude.
Why'd you hire her?
Especially after
Miss Vicki gave in?
Because she was
so sure I wouldn't.
I don't know
why I hired her.
All I know is
it's idiotic and now
I have to unhire her.
I'll have to wait
a few days, though.
And that's unfortunate.
We have a new project...
Don't tell me.
I don't wanna know.
Fitzwilly, when
old Mr. Woodworth died
and there wasn't a penny
and you started all this,
it was Miss Vicki,
and I understood.
But it's different now.
You're robbing
Altman's and Jensen's
and Lord knows who else
because you enjoy it.
It's just that
I'm so good at it.
St. Dismas Thrift Shoppe.
Ah! Good evening,
I'm helping
Albert to unload.
Eh? Yeah.
Yes, I think I can
oblige you. I'm sure
of the typewriter
and I'm pretty sure
of the rest of the stuff.
Who's this for?
The Fairchild girl,
the one with the
pink eyelids, eh?
But, nephew...
Uh, Albert, finished?
Then join me
in a bottle of Chablis.
You know my sentiments,
Mr. Buckmaster.
I'll be starting back now.
Oh, no, no.
You've got to
wait a few minutes.
Fitzwilly wants you
to take back a few things.
A typewriter, Xerox machine,
some other things for the...
For the new secretary.
Ah, yes, the Fairchild girl,
the one with the pink eyelids.
He hired someone else,
from outside.
But don't worry, Albert.
He know what he's doing.
Look around you.
The mind
responsible for all this
doesn't make mistakes, huh.
Only God
doesn't make mistakes,
Mr. Buckmaster.
Our Gimbels label.
Gimbels label.
Beautiful, Simmons,
just beautiful.
Now, we'll need
some for Jensen's
and Lord and Taylor's
along with ID cards
for three shipping clerks.
We should be able to find
everything on Byron's list
at one of those three stores
except possibly
the grand piano.
We're going ahead with
the Casey job in spite
of the new secretary?
Simmons, did Sol Hurok answer
our letter congratulating him
on the new season?
Yes, I processed
it at once.
Good. I feel
rather musical today,
despite the new secretary
about whom you all
seem to be so nervous.
It's just that we've never
had anyone in the house
who wasn't one of us.
There's a lot around
here a person could
get suspicious of,
and she was suspicious
to begin with.
And that's just why
we're gonna let her stay
at least a week.
Mr. Hurok's letter.
I've erased everything
but the signature.
Oh, yes.
Yes, thank you,
Now, we are all
going to be so kind
and so friendly
that when she does leave,
it'll be with love
and with promises to write.
What's gonna
make her leave?
I shall simply suggest
to Miss Vicki
and to Mrs. Mudge
that the other is
looking a bit liverish,
and suggest that maybe
a holiday away together
might be just
what the doctor ordered.
When Miss Vicki goes,
so does the secretarial job.
I told you Mr. Fitzwilliam
would have something
worked out.
She can do a lot of
prowling in a week.
There are 12 of us, Charles,
and only one of her.
Now, it shouldn't be
too difficult to see that
she doesn't get lonesome.
Starting now.
Good morning and welcome.
Good morning.
Miss Vicki's looking forward
to your first session.
I'll show you up.
Oh, that's all right.
You're probably
busy and I...
My pleasure,
Miss Nowell.
Mr. Fitzwilliam,
I have to tell you
that I don't...
This is Albert,
my first footman.
Albert, this is
Miss Juliet Nowell,
the new secretary.
Hi, been to
a costume ball?
Uh, Albert's
a retired minister.
One might say
his habit's an old habit.
Albert, would you send
the office equipment up,
Uh, do you always
answer for the staff?
Most domestics are quite shy
with people above-stairs,
so most butlers get used
to speaking for them.
And I am a butler,
not Jack the Ripper.
Why so sunny, friend?
When did peace break out?
It was never war.
It's just that I had
someone else in mind
for the job, that's all.
This is your office,
the Green Room.
I hope you like
roses and daisies.
You must be a born loser.
You do it awfully well.
I'm a born realist.
If Miss Vicki wants you
then I want you.
Miss Nowell is here,
Miss Vicki.
That's one of those
silly words like "pseudo"
and "psittacosis" that
starts with a silent "P."
Why not "pscenery"
or "pscience."
Or "Psingapore."
A psychiatrist is a doctor
to whom you tell things
that you wouldn't tell
your own mother,
and if you did, she would
have the common decency
not to believe you.
Have you ever
been to one?
No. Have you?
Yes. My father went with me
and made me leave
after 10 minutes.
He said it was
confusing me.
Was it?
He wanted the rest of
the hour for himself
and a recurring dream
he was having about a tribe
of Indians on the Amazon
boiling him alive
and eating him.
Well, talking about
boiling alive, how do you
feel like lobster for lunch?
So do I.
Let's tell Fitzwilly.
Do you like him
any better today?
You will.
You have a lot in common.
You're scholarly types,
both of you.
Both of us?
I should say so.
Fitzwilly graduated
summa cum laude
from Williams.
Well, then there's no excuse
for his being a butler.
Does he need one?
Well, when there's so many
wonderful things to do today,
like joining the Peace Corps.
Now, why would
an intelligent man
want to stay in a job
that offers no risks,
no challenges,
no excitement?
Miss Woodworth's residence,
Fitzwilliam speaking.
Hello, Byron.
Are you safely back home?
Yes, Mr. Fitzwilliam.
Back in the
Florida sunshine.
Look, Mr. Fitzwilliam,
they're taking
the old furniture
out of the
Appleton house now.
You are sure you'll be able
to make it, aren't you,
by January 3rd?
Ah, no. No, I'm not nervous
about it, Mr. Fitzwilliam.
I'm just high-strung.
Relax, Byron,
and use plenty
of suntan oil.
Charles, is your
cousin Thomas still
footman at the Millers'
and are they
still in Bermuda
and is Mrs. Miller
still chairman of the
symphony association?
Yes, yes and,
uh, yes.
Then call...
Yes, Miss Vicki.
Lobster. Certainly.
I'll tell Pierre.
And there's
something else,
No, Miss Vicki,
I never thought of
joining the Peace Corps.
Now, how would
cousin Thomas feel
if you called up
and offered to take over
for him for the afternoon.
There must be some way
to get you into the
Miller house and him out.
Suppose I offer to work
for Thomas today if he'll
work for me next week.
Then next week, I'll say
you won't allow the swap.
He'll think
he skunked me out of a day
and be happy as a lark.
Call him, Charles.
Call him.
Oliver, I need a
Rolls-Royce this afternoon.
Not ours and not hot.
The Deckendorfer chauffeur
will lend us theirs.
We must send a
Christmas card to the
Deckendorfers this year.
Frank, can you rent us
a rather large truck
and within the hour?
We don't have
to rent it, sir.
Uh, hello, sir.
Dunne speaking.
I'm here with
a Mr. Alistair Charles
who has a letter
from Sol Hurok.
this will introduce
Mr. Alistair Charles,
"the manager of
Signorina Donatella Frascatti,
"in my opinion
the most brilliant woman
pianist since Myra Hess.
"She is staying with
the Reinhold Millers preparing
for her American debut.
"What is needed
is a piano forte
"worthy of this great,
young Italian artiste.
"Signed, Sol Hurok."
Well, of course it is.
Because it isn't
the first time I've had
correspondence with him,
that's why.
I beg your pardon.
Yes. At once.
Uh, my dear fellow,
I'm not causing
you problems, am I?
I shouldn't
have lost my temper.
But, damn it, at my age,
it's galling to be treated
like a teenager.
Do you know what
that old poop asked me?
If I'm sure
it's Mr. Hurok's signature.
How old is the old poop?
But he has perfect pitch.
And I am low man
on the totem pole.
I'm embarrassed,
Mr. Charles,
but I'll have to check
with Mrs. Miller
and Mr. Hurok.
And why not.
The Millers' number
if my memory...
I have it right here.
Uh, Plaza 79970.
Right. Thank you.
Uh, hello, is this
the Millers' residence?
Uh, well,
this is Morton Dunne
at Steinway and Sons.
Uh, may I speak
with Mrs. Miller?
I'm sorry, Mr. Dunne,
but Madam is out
with our houseguest,
Signorina Friscotti.
Uh, may I ask
who's speaking, please?
This is Thomas,
the footman.
Well, yes, sir.
Madam told me you'd
be sending over a piano.
Uh, thank you, Thomas.
That's all I need to know.
Everything in order,
Mr. Charles.
Now Mr. Hurok.
Oh, Mr. Dunne,
I just realized
you won't be able to
check with Mr. Hurok.
He left for Moscow
a week ago.
Oh, dear.
Oh, that means you won't
be able to oblige us
because of that old poop.
Mr. Charles,
I have Sol's letter,
verification from
Mrs. Miller and my own
judgment of character.
Your little artiste
has her piano.
Mr. Dunne, you're not
low man on my totem pole.
Uh, I'll give you
the piano all our top
concert pianists ask for.
Uh, it's in the storeroom.
Oh. This one
will be all right.
But that's a brand new one.
It's much too stiff
for a young lady.
Oh, well, this young lady
weighs 180, has a touch
like truck driver
and would slaughter me
if I took her a piano that
had been used by anyone.
Mr. Dunne, you're
too good-hearted.
You're letting me take
too much of your time.
Now, why don't I just go over
to the Baldwin company...
No, no, no. No.
If the girl is
what Sol says,
she must have a Steinway.
This Steinway.
It'll be at the Millers'
by 4:00 tomorrow.
Oh, I'm sorry. Tomorrow's
too late. The girl wants
to work today.
Mr. Charles,
that's impossible,
for us, for Baldwin,
for any piano company
in New York.
At this time of the day,
the trucks are all gone.
Oh, I brought my own.
Obviously Byron
has his piano.
That he has, Charles.
Get the truck off right away.
Uncle has a van waiting.
Mr. Fitzwilliam, quick!
It's the secretary.
I don't know how long
Kitty can keep her
mind off it.
About what?
The Xerox.
She wants them
to come and get it,
but if they do,
they'll ask
where we got it.
Some say
that astrology is
just superstition,
oh, but I say,
why would newspapers
run horoscope columns if...
Mr. Fitzwilliam,
I was just having
a nice chat with Miss Nowell.
Kitty's one of our
more gifted chatterers.
Well, it's nice how friendly
everyone is. They've been
popping in and out all day.
But I really would like
to call the Xerox company
before I go.
We don't need that and
it's very expensive,
so I think I'll send it back.
I'm afraid
you can't do that.
Why not?
It hasn't been used.
Oh, look, if you got
a rake-off when you bought it,
why don't you just say so.
That's standard
butler practice, isn't it.
At least in
English novels it is.
And you haven't noticed
that novels are filed
under fiction?
I'm sorry. I wasn't
trying to insult you.
Oh, it's marvelous
what can be done
without trying.
But you still haven't
said why we can't
return the Xerox.
Because it's a gift
from a friend.
Victoria Woodworth doesn't
return gifts from friends
for cash,
strange as that
may seem to you.
I've been
put in my place.
That was my very
bad-tempered intention.
I apologize.
Incidentally, if you'd
like to check this
with Miss Vicki...
Oh, it'll check.
You have all the answers,
Mr. Fitzwilliam.
It's my job,
Miss Nowell.
I'll get your coat.
Well, we got
through the "P's" and
well into the "Q's."
Gave us both
a real sense
of accomplishment.
Um, what did you
do all day?
I started by making
a tour of the house,
for dust, you know.
Then I supervised
the polishing of the silver.
After that, I had a rather
harsh talk with the market
about some
very inferior apples.
And now
I've shown you
to the door.
You must be exhausted.
No, no. I'll be fine.
I'm planning
a nice little nap
before dinner.
Mr. Fitzwilliam, the
letter of condolence group
is waiting for you.
They didn't take Dolly
at Gimbels, sir. Someone
else'll have to apply.
Byron Casey is calling,
Mr. Fitzwilliam,
from Florida.
It just doesn't
make sense.
A Williams man asking
for no more out of life
than a chance to worry
about rotten apples.
Maybe he's got a hobby
that fulfills him,
like stamp collecting.
Mmm, he gives away bibles.
Gives away what?
Bibles. Miss Vicki told me.
He picks out names
from the obituary columns,
and he sends out bibles
to the relatives.
Writes a letter of comfort
to go with each one.
I guess you could
call that a hobby.
Dearly beloved,
unbidden, unwanted,
death has entered your door
and left it ajar.
Uh, no hyphen in ajar.
We enter with
a gift of love,
and with words to turn
the evening of death
into the glow of morning.
Oh, that's lovely.
Words from this...
Uh, what denomination
is it, Albert?
Episcopalian, sir.
Words from this
King James version
of the bible,
bound in genuine
stamped on the cover,
as it is on your heart,
the name of your loved one.
If this gift so freely given
eases your pain,
pray for us.
Yours for a
bright tomorrow,
C.R. Fitzwilliam, Prez,
Serenity Through the Word.
These today's answers?
Just the ones
with the enclosure, sir.
Now that's what I call
a proper thank you note.
Oh, Miss Vicki, can't we
start sending some of this
around to publishers,
just to get a reaction?
We see what
Fitzwilly thinks.
After all,
it was his idea.
The dictionary was
his idea too?
He thought I needed
a new interest in life
after Father died,
because hating Father
had been my chief
interest up to then
and I was lost
without it.
Anyway, Fitzwilly kept
nagging me about everything,
from ant collecting
to zen buddhism
till he hit
on the dictionary.
And that got me interested
in all sorts of things,
such as living to be 100.
No wonder
you're so fond of him.
I'm not fond of Fitzwilly.
I love him.
So will you,
when you get
to know him better.
No reason why she should.
Leave well enough alone.
Grimsby, you're
getting very cranky.
I know,
I've noticed.
But all the same, Mr. Neilson
from the old sailors' home
will be here in a minute.
You'd better come
and powder your nose.
Oh, in that case,
I'm gonna type up my notes
and mail your letters.
And check with Fitzwilly
about the publishers.
Come in.
Oh. Heads up,
feet down.
May I present
the Platypi?
Jock Stewart V,
Carlton Taylor IV,
Sandy Whitehead III,
Tucky Morgan V,
Woody Van Alston IV
and Bobby Merrick.
What, no number?
Old family,
new first name.
Platypi, may I present
Miss Juliet Nowell,
Miss Vicki's new secretary.
Platypi, hmm?
As in many platypuses?
We are the
platypus troop,
a manly and
virtuous group.
Opposed to
almost every sin,
we hate reefers,
girls and gin.
That's from our troop song.
Fitzwilly wrote the words.
Boys, I'm sure it's time
for your cooking lesson.
Oui, exactement.
Okay, let's go.
Come on.
Hamburgers with truffles,
for Cub Scouts?
Yes. Miss Vicki won't
approve the official
Cub Scout rules.
Like the one about
helping old ladies
across the street?
She says that's the
height of impertinence.
So these are Sub Scouts.
Much more top drawer.
Should be, with me
as their den mother.
That's an honor I force
Miss Vicki to share, as
a way to get her outdoors.
Oh, um,
she wanted me to
ask what you think
of my sending part of
the dictionary around
to publishers now,
to see what
the chances are.
Uh, would you like
a Sub Scout type drink?
No, thank you.
There are no chances.
I took it around to almost
every publisher in town,
some time back.
They all turned it down.
Said literate
people can spell.
People who can't spell
don't buy dictionaries.
Oh, I wish you'd found
that out before you let her
do all that work for nothing.
It wasn't for nothing.
It's to keep her alive.
Beside, there was
no time for inquiries.
Do butlers always
feel so responsible
for their employers?
I wasn't the Woodworths'
butler then. My father was.
When I was six,
my mother died.
Miss Vicki took me over.
Fed me, bathed me,
did homework with me,
made herself
responsible for me.
So now,
I'm responsible for her.
Aside from which,
I love the old girl.
You're a remarkable man,
Mr. Fitzwilliam.
Now that I'm ready
to take you off
my list of villains,
I don't know quite
where to put you.
Well, you have
to start a new list.
"Butlers I Have Known."
Hello, Father?
Listen, Cotty is still editor
of University Press, isn't he?
Juliet, you'll have to
wait a minute. I'm working.
You might have asked
how my cold is.
You must be kidding.
Look it up.
Learn a little something.
By the way,
have you been fired
during the last week?
No. Why, have you
heard something?
Juliet, I'm back.
My cold's much better,
dear, thank you.
Cotty still is.
Hold on, I'll ask him.
Would you be
interested in publishing
Old Lady Woodworth's
Dictionary for Dopes?
Who needs it?
You found "quink," huh?
All right now, play.
When I'm good and ready.
I don't mind having a look
at the old girl's stuff.
There's nothing to lose.
Juliet, Cotty's staying
for dinner, so bring
a couple chapters home.
Why do you have to tell
the sinister butler about it?
Because it'll make him happy.
And there's nothing sinister
about Mr. Fitzwilliam,
who could give you
lessons in character.
Probably Scrabble, too.
Albert, I want a word
with you. Now.
And please ask
the gentleman to wait
in case Miss Woodworth
wants to see him again.
Give me whatever you
took out of his pocket.
I'm going to count to
three and then I'm going to
call the police. One...
Please, Miss,
it's worth $20,000.
Did Miss Woodworth just
give you a check for
the old sailors' home?
Don't tell me
she wants it back.
No, but perhaps you do.
I found it in the hallway.
Well, that's funny.
I could have sworn...
Well, thank you very much!
Oh, Albert.
You of all people!
Mr. Fitzwilliam's
right hand man!
How do you think
he's going to feel
about this?
Upset. Quite upset.
A retired minister stealing
money meant for charity?
You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
Oh, I am, Miss.
I've been ashamed
of myself for so long.
Is it some sort
of compulsion?
Well, it all began
one Sunday in my own church,
when the collection,
normally under $200,
was suddenly over $400.
I couldn't believe it.
I was the guilty party.
So I just waited.
The next Sunday,
the collection
was almost $500.
It was me,
and I was improving.
But with you up in the pulpit
and them down in the pews,
how did you do it?
When I greeted them
at the door and
shook their hands.
Oh, my.
Did you give
the money back?
No, Miss.
I didn't want to
shake anyone's faith
in the ministry,
so I just retired and
went into domestic service.
Juliet, must you
tell Miss Woodworth?
She'll be so unhappy.
Well, I...
I guess I could tell
Mr. Fitzwilliam instead.
But he'll dismiss you.
It's no more
than I deserve.
Albert, listen.
If you promise
to fight the urge
every time you get it,
just come to me
and talk it out,
then I'm not
gonna tell anyone.
It'll just be
our secret, all right?
Oh, Miss Juliet.
Charles, where's
Mr. Fitzwilliam?
At the sportsmen show,
picking up a few things.
Taking them
down, huh?
How come before
the show is over?
Every one in the store
and all these.
Some guy from Saudi Arabia.
Thought they had
their own tents, Arabs.
maybe he wants a change.
Grass is always
greener, you know.
That's the truth.
How you gonna get
them out to the alley?
Carry them.
Store said no dollies.
Don't want to draw
any attention.
What do they care
if you break your back?
Wait a minute.
I'll see what I can get.
What you gonna
do with these?
Take them.
It's neater.
$20,000, Mr. Fitzwilliam.
How could Albert let
that girl see him?
It wasn't his fault,
it's her fault.
She has to go,
that's all.
That's for
Mr. Fitzwilliam
to say.
Miss Woodworth's
residence, Mr. Fitzwilliam
Yes, operator, I will.
Byron Casey
from Florida, collect.
Hello, Byron.
Oh, Mr. Fitzwilliam.
I just had a letter
from the Appletons,
and they aren't
coming home by boat.
They're coming home by plane!
A week earlier
to have a good old-fashioned
sunny Florida Christmas.
Huh, Byron.
Byron? Don't cry.
We'll just have everything
there a week earlier,
that's all.
Our two most difficult items
are all taken care of.
The piano is on the way,
and it's a beauty.
As for the Chinese
Chippendale chair, where
do you think we found it?
We've lost it,
Mr. Fitzwilliam.
The secretary saw me
with it, she thought
Miss Vicki would like it.
Miss Vicki loved it.
Huh, Byron? No,
if you can't guess,
I'm not gonna tell you.
Anyway, we're off to
a flying start, and uh...
There's nothing,
I repeat nothing
to worry about.
So don't worry.
Mr. Fitzwilliam,
with all due respect,
if a week's being cut off,
I don't see how
we can finish the job.
Not with
that girl here.
She'll have to go.
Even so, sir,
do you think we can?
We can,
and we will.
But not by wasting
our whole evening.
By putting a larger group
to work, we could triple this
week's take from Serenity.
You can have everybody
except Garland and Charles,
let's see, and Oliver.
Thank you, sir.
Well, come along.
Why didn't the secretary
report you to Miss Vicki?
She felt sorry
for me, sir.
Very nice girl.
All right, gentlemen.
I'll give you each $100
that you can easily
raise to $500
by judicious use of
the Samson and Delilah bit
in the proper bars.
Hotels are best.
There's always a Bible
somewhere around.
Well, I like
carrying my own.
Miss Juliet!
I just thought
I'd stop down before I...
Oliver, you're
in shirt sleeves.
So are you.
The sight isn't
all that obscene.
Well, thank you,
Miss Juliet.
We were, uh,
just trying on
For, uh, a ball.
What were
you saying?
What does
the A and F
stand for?
It stands for...
and footmen's ball.
That's what
the A and F stands for.
Accommodators and footmen.
Well, it's, uh,
domestics who
accommodate you
when your own are ill
or away or gone mad.
You were saying?
Oh, yes. I took
a message for Miss Vicki.
It was a Miss Ziffren
from the Gotham Home
for Unwed Mothers
wanting an appointment.
And did she get one?
Oh, yes.
Noon tomorrow.
I thought you'd
like to know.
Yes, yes, thank you.
Well, let me
show you to the door.
It was very
considerate of you to
bring us the message.
Oh, well, that's
perfectly all right.
Yes, well,
good night.
Good night.
Since when do we
carry merchandise
through the house?
Open doors without even...
That's funny.
Something about her,
that girl, bothered me.
Who is it?
She'll be watching Albert
from now on, sir.
Supposing Miss Vicki writes
a check out for those
unwed mothers tomorrow?
By noon tomorrow,
Miss Vicki will be
on her way to York Harbor
and that girl
will be gone.
I am going
to call Mrs. Mudge.
Now, you're talking.
It's time you were!
Samson and Delilah should
be in every cocktail bar
in this town by now.
Yes, sir.
Excuse me, sir,
but I've never done
the Delilah bit before,
so I was wondering
if you'd run me
through it once.
I'll do better,
I'll start you off.
Yes, sir, gentlemen,
what will it be?
Two Scotch on the rocks,
Ballantine's, doubles.
Hey, what's going on?
Oh, some fella down there
says it wasn't Delilah that
cut off Samson's hair,
and the rest of them
are betting that it was.
I sent upstairs to the
housekeeper for a Bible to
settle it once and for all.
I got a $5 riding myself.
McNamara $10,
Harrison $20.
Betting still open?
This gentleman
right here is
holding the stakes.
What benighted fools.
I'll take another $5.
Bartender, where did you
send to for that Bible,
to the Holy Land?
No, Mac, just to
the eight floor.
He'll be here.
There he is, Jimmy.
Well, let's see...
Samson and Delilah's
at the beginning.
You're crazy,
that's Adam and Eve.
Well, it's somewhere
in the Old Testament.
I have fallen
among the godless.
Judges 16:19.
What'd you say,
"...and Delilah called
for a man,
"and she caused him to
shave off the seven locks
of Samson's head."
Well, I'll be damned.
So, undoubtedly,
will we all.
All together,
we made $2,400.
Boy, am I bushed.
It's lifting
all those Scotches while
they send up for the Bible.
The nervous tension
got me, especially
at the Algonquin.
Oh, but I did the Algonquin.
Yeah, I know,
and when I started,
they called the police.
I dismissed
the writing group,
Mr. Fitzwilliam.
We sent out over four times
the usual mailing. That
should bring in about $800.
We're still a long way
from what we lost.
Well, if Miss Vicki goes off
with Mrs. Mudge tomorrow
and the girl leaves,
we're out of trouble.
Man is born to trouble
as the sparks fly upward.
Mrs. Mudge refuses to leave!
She has a funeral
and two weddings coming up,
not to mention a bris
and a contested divorce.
Oh, damn and blast,
Mrs. Mudge.
Lord, forgive him.
About time for
a drink, gentlemen.
Don't worry, Albert,
yours is soft and low-cal.
All isn't lost, children,
I have an alternate plan.
I'm going to ask
the girl for a date.
Well, that alone may
do the trick, but if
it doesn't and she says yes,
to use an expression
I detest, I'm going
to make a pass at her.
She'll quit
at once, naturally.
Are you kidding?
Because he's
a domestic, a servant.
That washes you up
with women, Oliver.
She'll quit, all right.
My hat's off to you,
Mr. Fitzwilliam.
Well, mine isn't.
Miss Juliet is a lovely girl.
I don't approve of this.
Neither do I, Albert,
but I have no choice.
She is a lovely,
lovely girl.
Wish I could remember
what disturbed me about
her this afternoon.
Yes, Miss Vicki.
Juliet thinks that
being a butler is
stifling you.
Well, Miss Juliet is
entitled to her opinion,
but to me,
the job has excitement.
Better make that pass
before I get fired and
become socially acceptable.
"Z" on a triple.
Fifty points.
All right, all right.
Don't crow.
I don't know
if this cockamamie
thing is a dictionary,
but it'd make
one hell of a movie.
What it is, is a running
biography of her old man.
He was a genuine
monster, wasn't he?
And there's practically
nothing about him in print.
Hello? Who?
Oh, Mr. Fitzwilliam.
This is a surprise.
Well, I warned you,
Speaking to Miss Vicki
about you is just
my opening gun.
I remember everything
you ever said
to me, Juliet.
And I'm thrilled that
you care about what I do.
Oh, um...
I don't
think you understand...
My feelings about you
aren't personal, it's...
No, I haven't
had dinner yet.
Listen, could you hold on
for just a minute?
I, uh, think
the coffee's burning.
Just a minute.
Well, you have had dinner,
and nothing's burning.
But he thinks
that I'm interested in him.
I mean, personally.
Don't you think I ought
to straighten him out?
No, no, no, no,
no. Not now.
Tomorrow, on his time.
Not in the middle of
a Scrabble game!
You're right. What's
the hurry, right? Right.
I'm back,
Mr. Fitzwilliam.
My address is...
Oh, you do? Oh.
No, thanks.
I'll just meet
you downstairs.
In a half hour,
right. Okay, bye.
Now, what would you wear
to dinner with a butler?
My pinstriped gray,
I think.
Make me rainbows
Make me spring in the snow
Make me beautiful music
Wherever I go
I just had
an interesting thought.
Well, suppose
you didn't really think
that I'd go out with you?
Suppose you just invited me
to embarrass me?
why would I want
to embarrass you?
Well, if I were embarrassed
enough, maybe I'd quit my job
and Miss Vicki would
stop needling you.
that's too devious.
Oh, I don't know.
Anything you're devious
enough to dream up,
I might be
devious enough to do.
But that would
be the act of
a complete stinker.
And if there's one thing
that's been established,
it's that you're one
of nature's noblemen.
Let your arms be my wings
And together we'll fly
Don't let me fall dear
I'm all I can be
Welcome to Chez Nous.
May I take
votre chapeau,
Merci bien.
Straight ahead
and to the right, honey,
cupid's on the door.
In the interest
of better communication,
perhaps we should adopt
a common language.
Such as English,
which I speak
like a native.
Glad to oblige
a good looking doll.
Come on, I'll give you
the best table in the joint,
the one that
doesn't wobble.
It's a beautiful restaurant.
French Empire.
The McCoy.
It's perfect for us.
A little underpopulated
for you, isn't it?
A couple of dogs dropped in
earlier. Not as classy
as you two, though.
How would you
like some wine?
I got a Chateau Margaux
I don't believe.
I'll get the garcon.
Only don't look at him,
he gets the giggles.
I'm telling you,
a real doll.
You just made a conquest,
which isn't too surprising.
It is to me.
I don't do too well
with men, as a rule.
Well, then there's
something wrong with
the men you've met.
Oh, I think what's
wrong is with me.
Shh, don't
look at him.
Uh, you pour a little
for the gentleman
first, son,
in case there are
any specks of cork.
Yes, that's fine.
Now, the lady.
Oh, and not
all the way
to the top.
Now me.
That's enough.
And you leave the bottle.
Just fine.
Gee, thanks mister.
Fitzwilly, you're nice.
Could you do that again?
No, I can't!
This is terrible!
What's so terrible?
We're both free
and over 21,
aren't we?
Um... I'm not
your social equal.
Oh, come on.
Don't be so silly.
I don't think
you should be a butler
because the job isn't
good enough for you,
that's all.
And I wanna talk
to you about that.
Well, you can't.
Why not?
Because dinner is ready.
Well, that's all right,
I've already eaten.
So I'll talk
while you eat,
all right?
No. I intend
to go right on being
exactly what I am.
And we can't even
talk about it?
Call me when you're
finished fighting.
I'm finished.
I'm not.
There you are.
If we can't
talk about this,
I just don't see any point
in talking about anything.
I mean, if that were
the case, I wouldn't even
want to see you again.
And I certainly couldn't
go on being under the
same roof with you.
I'd have to
leave Miss Vicki.
I... I can
understand that.
All right, so we can
talk about it.
I mean, not
for the time being.
I'm afraid the time being
is all the time there is.
I don't blame you.
Well, goodbye.
That was outrageous.
Yes, I know.
You won't change your mind?
About quitting?
Will you change yours?
No, I won't
change my mind.
I'll call Miss Vicki
in the morning
and tell her.
Juliet, maybe this is just
a temporary goodbye.
I doubt that very much.
Fitzwilly, you may
not be a stinker,
but, boy,
it sure worked out
just as if you were.
All right. With Albert
and Grimsby holding down
the fort here,
the rest of you in stores
throughout the area,
and myself combing through
the St. Dismas warehouse,
at least half
the Byron Casey job should
be completed by tomorrow.
Any questions?
All right.
Good luck.
Good night.
And my apologies
to those of you
who drew Newark.
Good night.
Good night.
Miss Juliet was
an influence for good.
She hasn't died,
Albert, she just quit.
Nevertheless, I don't think
I can continue any longer
with this organization.
I shall have
to think, pray.
I'm planning
a little thinking myself.
Right after Byron Casey.
Listen, Mr. Fitzwilliam.
With you in Philadelphia,
no one here but Albert
thinking and praying,
and Grimsby not knowing
which way is up,
who's going to keep
Miss Vicki out of trouble?
I'll take her
along with me.
She can have a nice visit
with old Mrs. Nieberhaus.
Drive faster.
You never liked Juliet,
and I'm sure it was
something you said
or did that made her quit.
What did you say or do?
I took her to dinner.
Why are we stopping?
Why did you ask her
to dinner if you
don't like her?
I'm not going
to discuss it,
Miss Vicki.
Good morning, folks.
You got any idea
how fast you were going?
Be quiet, officer.
Fitzwilly, you'll
discuss anything I...
Now, wait
just a minute, folks.
I told you
to be quiet, officer.
And I loathe
being called "folks."
I'm sorry, officer.
Claude Fitzwilliam,
how dare you apologize for me?
If I can't ask
a simple question as to why
you don't like my secretary...
I love your secretary,
but I will not discuss it.
Especially not in a crowd.
Say, who do you folks
think you are?
Where do you get off thinking
you can jazz along here
at 90 miles an hour,
or that I got the time
to stand here and listen
to your kooky talk, huh?
If we exceeded
the speed limit, officer,
you have a right
to give us a ticket.
You have not
the right to shout at us,
nor to reproach us
for wasting your time.
Your time is my time,
and the time of all
taxpaying citizens.
You haven't stopped
eating all day.
Go back to
Miss Woodworth's
before you get fat.
The man's profession
is his own business.
Oh, it is, is it?
Let's say, just for
the sake of argument,
that I'm in love with him
and vice-versa.
Wouldn't that
make it my business?
Well, the theory is
that if you love someone,
then nothing else matters,
so there's no problem.
If anything matters,
then you don't
love him enough,
and there's still no problem.
Well, if there's
no problem, then how come
I feel so unhappy?
Must be something
wrong with the theory,
doesn't seem to include you.
Yes, it does!
I'm gonna go over
to Miss Vicki's and
tell Fitzwilly
that if he wants
to be a laundress,
it's all right with me.
It always helps you
to talk things out with me.
Have you noticed?
Oh, this is marvelous.
There are wonderful people
around, Juliet, we just never
meet them. Listen to this.
"Yesterday afternoon
at the sportsmen show,
under the eyes of many guards,
"three men dismantled the
Abercrombie and Fitch exhibit
and walked out with it."
Do you know why
no one stopped them?
Because they each wore
a white coverall with
A and F on the back.
That's all the
plot there was.
And listen to
what they took.
Three safari tents.
Do you know how big they are?
Two life-size figures
of African tribesmen,
one ditto white hunter,
pots, pans, cots,
a false campfire,
along with a group of stuffed
animals, including an African
cousin of Smokey the Bear.
I see.
So your Xerox machine
number 24289 was purchased,
but not received
by Mrs. George Phipps,
Pardon me?
Oh, um, this is the...
Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Miss Juliet!
Oh, don't strain.
Grimsby let me in,
by which I gather
she isn't really part
of this den of thieves.
I beg your pardon.
Let's not waste
time, Albert.
Just tell me who
gets robbed and how.
Miss Juliet,
I think the world of you.
But my loyalty is
to Mr. Fitzwilliam.
And to no one higher.
Sarah Nieberhaus
cheats at backgammon.
Then how did you
manage to win?
Well, once
she started cheating, I...
You two have
a nice little chat
while I go up and do...
Something or other.
Where's Albert?
In the staff room.
With a bad headache,
which he got from
answering my questions
about Ali Baba
and the Forty Thieves.
The others are
still out thieving.
Would you answer
a question?
Yes. No, I'm not
going to the police.
Well, that wasn't
the question,
but why not?
Well, Albert swears that
you haven't taken a dime
from Miss Vicki.
She hasn't had a dime
since I started all this.
What about the people
I have clipped?
Albert says it's mostly
insurance companies
who get hurt.
And you don't think
that's stealing?
Listen, you just ask
the question I said
you could ask.
The question
I wanted to ask was...
Why did you come
back here today?
To say you win.
I don't care if you're
a butler or a chiropodist.
I love you.
That's what I meant.
Oh, boy. Look whose
dull, unadventurous life
I've been worrying about.
Lefty Louie.
You'll marry me anyway?
Well, that's shocking.
Of course, if we're going
to get married, you've got
to stop being a crook.
I mean, I'd like
to have children.
Three or four.
So? Crooks have children.
Well, I don't think
that's very nice.
I mean, if every time
you're late for dinner,
I have to say,
"Daddy's probably
in the pokey."
It'll be too
scary for them.
For me, too.
Would you mind terribly
not being a crook?
Not really.
But there are problems,
like Byron Casey,
Miss Vicki's future.
You know,
when her father died,
she inherited exactly $180.
I haven't been able
to accumulate too much
since then.
Oh, come on!
I saw one day's take
from that crazy Bible thing.
And what about St. Dismas?
Quite a few of us, you know?
And we live quite well.
Yes, I've noticed.
Most of what we make,
Miss Vicki manages to give
away to the various charities.
We try to limit
her generosity.
Albert retrieves checks,
and I always inspect
the mail before it goes out.
You're going to hate me!
That's what I noticed
that disturbed me yesterday!
When you left!
You had letters.
But only one check.
See, I told you
you were gonna hate me.
No, I don't.
No, I don't.
How... How, uh, much?
Sit down, Fitzwilly.
Fifty thousand dollars.
The cancer
research foundation.
Some crook you are.
Plotting, working
the staff to the bone,
and all for charity.
Well, the object
wasn't to amass a fortune,
it was just
to support Miss Vicki
in her customary style.
Fitzwilly, when
you found out that
she was penniless,
why didn't you just tell her
the truth and get a job
and support her.
I was afraid the shock
would be too much for her.
She was so frail
and sickly.
She's strong as an ox now.
She's also very moral.
Unlike certain
people I know.
She'll wanna know
what she's been living on,
and she'll want me
to pay it all back.
Well, that's out.
Miss Woodworth's residence,
Fitzwilliam speaking.
Yes, operator,
I'll accept the charges.
Byron Casey
from Florida, collect.
Albert certainly covered
everything, didn't he?
Yes, Byron!
I have a great many things
to report to you.
And I have just one thing
to report, Mr. Fitzwilliam.
The Appletons will
be here tomorrow!
I don't care when
they're due home!
They hated Venice,
so that's when
they'll be home.
And you know what's
in this house so far?
Oh, there's a piano.
Well, you have to admit,
it's a beautiful piano.
And your silverware, glassware
and chinaware went out today.
Plus four TV sets.
Of course, color TV!
Byron? Byron,
please don't cry.
Well, you know I'm not
going to let you down.
Just give me a minute
to come up with something
to tell the Appletons.
Oh, no, I can't
face them. Uh-uh.
Not till every
stick of furniture
is in this house.
I'll go into hiding,
that's what I'll do.
I'll hole up someplace
until you give me the hi-sign.
Goodbye, Mr. Fitzwilliam,
I'll let you know where I am.
Fitzwilly, let him
furnish the house.
Just give him back his old
$75,000 and just forget it.
I would just love to,
except some mountain climbers
in Tibet have $5,000 of it,
some old sailors have
another $20,000,
and some doctors
in cancer research
have $50,000,
so I can give him
back exactly nothing.
We're all gonna land
in jail unless I think
of something fast.
Too bad they don't carry
big fat lumps of money
at Lord and Taylor's
and Gimbels.
You could pick one up
and ship it to St. Dismas.
I could send what
to St. Dismas?
Bad joke, forget it.
Oh, I don't know...
Oh, I don't know!
Hey, wait a minute!
You're not going to be
a crook anymore, remember?
Juliet. Juliet, my love.
Do you think you
could sit still for
one last caper?
Even one that would
take care of Byron
and keep Miss Vicki
in style for the rest
of her natural?
If I promise
it'll be the last?
On my honor
as a sub scout
and a platypus.
Okay, Lefty Louis.
When's all this
going to take place?
On the night
before Christmas, when
all through New York,
large lumps of money
are bouncing like cork.
No, I mean,
what's the plan?
Who are you going to rob?
Well, I can't tell you that.
You'd be an accessory
before the fact.
Party to criminal actions.
So? I don't care.
Well, I don't care
if you don't care.
I'm not going to tell you.
Well, I'm going to
marry you, then.
Oh, you certainly are,
and you know it.
Okay, but I'll
tell you this.
I am going to find out.
Oh, I don't think so.
Oh, with that bunch
of blabbermouths
you have around here?
With Albert right in
the palm of my hand?
I'm gonna know
everything you're up to
long before Christmas Eve.
Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
Now, where are
the scissors?
They were here
a moment ago,
Mrs. Mortimer.
Oh, I've
got them over here!
I'll get them.
Oh, thank you,
Look, Oliver!
That's great.
And no one's talked.
She still doesn't
know a thing.
Everybody's been
absolutely marvelous.
Well, especially Albert,
who got the worst of it.
It's been easy, sir.
I don't want this on
Ms. Juliet's conscience,
nor on yours,
Mr. Fitzwilliam.
Were you to enter
holy matrimony red-handed...
Why don't you just worry
about your own conscience,
I don't have to,
I promised myself I shall
be punished for all my sins,
including this.
Miss Vicky has had
her hot toddy, sir.
Grimsby's just
tucking her in.
Good, then we can start.
Miss Woodward's residence,
Fitzwilliam speaking.
Byron? Byron, where on
earth have you been?
Why didn't you call me?
I found a place to hide,
Mr. Fitzwilliam. I'm at
the Miami Doctor's Hospital.
I told them
I needed a checkup, and...
Why should I have called you?
Do you have the stuff?
Christmas Eve?
Tomorrow night?
Oh, that's wonderful,
What do you mean,
you'll wire it?
How can you wire furniture?
Now don't you see that
you can tell the Appletons
that you have been ill?
But you have their money.
But I don't want $75,000!
Byron, please don't cry.
I want furniture.
As for what you lost
before you came with us,
uh, there's the piano,
the crystal, the china,
the silverware.
Now that should
take up the slack!
That's right!
Good thinking, Byron!
Now listen,
you wait for my wire.
Then you go
to the Appletons,
tell them a story,
and I think then there
will be peace on earth
all over Florida.
Byron, uh,
why are you crying?
Oh, uh, that's very
gratifying. Goodbye.
Now he's crying
because he's happy.
Well, children,
shall we get started?
Good king Wenceslas
Last looked out
On the feast of Stephen
When the snow
Lay round about
Deep and...
Very funny.
Would you excuse us
for a moment?
Aren't you
ashamed of yourself?
Come on, Fitzwilly,
I want to help!
All right, then.
Keep Miss Vicky busy
tomorrow from 2:00 to 6:00,
that's very important.
Oh, big deal.
She will be busy
and you know it.
Father and Cotty
are coming for cocktails,
and Grimsby will see
that they stay upstairs.
But I'd feel
so much better
if you stay.
Good night, darling.
Ooh! Wow, sometimes
you act just like
All right, children.
The final review
of our final project.
Operation Get Out
While You're Ahead.
Our objective is the cash
in the cashier's office
on the tenth floor of Gimbels
tomorrow, December 24th,
at 5:00 p.m.
Our method?
To create a situation wherein
Gimbels will consider it
more advantageous
to hand the cash over to me
than to keep it themselves.
Now, we must expect
the unexpected,
so adjust to it, adlib.
No matter what arises,
I must, and I repeat,
must be in that
cashier's office at
precisely 5:00 p.m.
Let's go step by step.
It's 4:15 at Gimbels.
Walking Santa Claus,
sir, only a dollar!
We wish you
A Merry Christmas
We wish you
A Merry Christmas
We wish you
A Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year
What a place
to pick!
Wherever you go
Come on, let's, uh,
try the other doors.
And a Happy New Year
We wish you
A Merry Christmas
We wish you
A Merry Christmas
Come on, let's try
the next doors!
We wish you
A Merry Christmas
We wish you
A Merry Christmas
Come on, come on,
come on, out of the way!
I wanna
see your license!
Hold it! Stop!
I wanna see your license!
Hey, they went
that-a-way, Scrooge!
Move out of here!
Arrest those men!
Jingle bells
Jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun
It is to ride...
I'm sorry, I...
Merry Christmas!
You're a minute late.
I ran into
an old friend.
Free TV!
Come on!
Boy, you know
what it's going to be
like in here in a minute?
Tiny tot sardines.
Just put it in a bag
and give me the
sales slip, that's all!
Never mind the
gift wrapping, just
give me a sales slip!
Hurry up,
they'll all be gone!
I never even heard
of a free TV!
I don't know!
Hey, man, cool it!
Hey, would you
lighten up?
Hey, give me
a break, please!
my free color TV!
Seems like
something's cooking!
Well, I'm sure whoever's
on this section
has had the good sense
to call the
security guard.
Where are
the color television sets?
I don't know!
I swear on a stack of bibles,
I don't know!
Security, tenth floor!
Get some of
those James Bonds'
off their pratts!
I'll take this!
What is this,
a canine country club?
Ryan, Goldfarb,
get down to the
street floor,
there's a tie-up at the doors,
and that's meat and potatoes
for the shoplifters.
What kind of
a tie-up?
Oh, just a bunch
of kids singing
some carols,
and boys! Take it easy.
Smile, speak softly,
remember our image.
Prettikin. There's a lot
of money in the store.
Well, that's the object,
Oderblatz, so be happy,
keep calm.
Hey, Goldfarb, wait!
Wait for me!
Goldfarb, where are you?
Call Prettikin,
get help!
Okay, Ryan,
I'll send everybody.
Have all security men
report to me on
the street floor, north side.
Yes, Mr. Prettikin.
Prettikin. You can't leave me
here with all this money.
I'm not a well man.
Close up the vault and
stop worrying. This is a
traffic jam, not a robbery!
It's never a robbery
until they rob.
Eh bien, mon vieux,
is it not time?
Stand by.
All the detectives
are on this floor,
all the money is on
the tenth floor, and Albert
is in position, waiting.
Mr. Charles! Mr. Charles!
Oh, no!
Mr. Charles,
I want to speak with you!
Oh, no!
It's here!
You're going
to rob Gimbels!
Come with me,
I've got an appointment
at the perfume counter.
Well, I haven't!
And I'm going to take
those little boys home!
When Grimsby told me
they were here, I couldn't
believe you'd let them!
You can't take them out till
they finish Deck the Halls.
Oh, can't I?
Just watch me!
Don we now our gay apparel,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
Okay, now, two at a time.
Take them out easy,
but take them out!
Hey, Juliet,
look at us!
Hey, are you
with these kids?
Are you with this
ghastly store?
If so, didn't it occur to you
that they could get hurt
standing in these doorways?
Believe me,
you haven't heard
the last of this.
Come, Platypi.
Move out of the way!
We're running behind.
Go quickly.
What is it?
What is it?
I dunno!
Merry Christmas!
Come on,
those color TV
sets are upstairs!
Excuse me, please.
Free color TVs!
This elevator's
out of order. Sorry.
Report to your department
head, Miss Caffritz, in the
employees lounge, emergency!
Mr. Charles! Mr. Charles!
Mr. Charles,
don't you remember me?
Uh, yes, I do. Very nice to
see you, Mr. Dunne, but I have
a little bit of a problem.
Oh, not with your
little artiste, I hope!
I just wanted to ask
if I could have two tickets
to her performance?
Mr. Dunne,
you may have four.
Oh, thank you,
thank you!
Merry Christmas!
Precisely, sir.
They'll be bringing
them up!
Come on,
those color TVs
are right upstairs!
Color TVs!
Hey, this is
no place!
Everybody come on this way!
That's why
I'm calling the police.
So that you will find out.
People! What are
you doing here?
You're all on
the wrong floor...
There's a sign downstairs!
My glasses!
People, people,
you simply must go!
Sir, sir,
what are you doing?
Mr. Oderblatz, I am
Sidney Martin of Eastern
Re-insurance company.
We are very disturbed
about your situation.
What, you think I'm not?
How does Eastern
know about it?
Who sent for you?
I've been here all day. One of
us always is when a heavy
intake of cash is anticipated.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Well, no reason
why you should.
We're merely protecting
our interest.
You may have a riot brewing,
Mr. Oderblatz, or a robbery.
No, no, no, no, no...
When that occurred to me,
I called in for instructions.
Good. What did
they tell you to do?
To remove from
the premises all bills
over the denomination of 10.
Do you mean I'm supposed to
just hand money to you?
I can't do that.
I don't know you!
I'm prepared
to identify myself.
And I may say, if you
handed me a dollar without
my identifying myself,
I would've had you fired.
While I sign a
receipt for the cash,
you will, of course,
check my signature
with those on the cards.
Seems to be in order.
You can also
call my office,
but in that case,
the loss of time will be
your responsibility
and not mine.
Mr. Oderblatz.
Telephone for you.
It's Eastern Re-Insurance
Company. It's urgent!
Let's go.
He was in dire need, sir,
and it is Christmas Eve.
Uh, leave the bag,
the wig and
the glasses,
put on your coat
and hat, and go home.
You did it!
Floor, please,
Here, you want
your coat?
Now remember, when you hit
the first floor, split up.
Use separate exits.
And if you get home
before I do, don't
drink all the champagne.
Good luck!
That's the funniest
thing ever.
It's the funniest thing
I ever heard.
The money is on its way
to St. Dismas
And Byron's check
is on its way to Florida.
And here we all are.
No, we're not!
Where's Albert?
I've confessed my crime,
and I insist on
my constitutional right
to be arrested.
Where's the money?
How did you get
those Eastern Re-Insurance
Where's the money?
The district attorney's
office wants to know how many
people you have working...
First, where's
the money, please?
It was stolen from me
by one of your customers.
I don't feel well.
I'm not buying that.
Where'd you stash the stuff?
I've got to lie down.
Really, I do.
Ryan, Goldfarb, get Oderblatz
something to lie down on,
and some aspirin for me.
All right, quit stalling!
I'm guilty. Arrest me.
Not without notifying
your next of kin.
I'm an orphan.
You're homeless, too,
I suppose!
I live at
168 Riverside Drive.
Now, wait a minute!
That's the home
of Miss Victoria Woodworth.
Albert, you're lying to us!
Mr. Adams, I am not lying.
I am Miss Woodworth's
first footman.
You don't say.
You see? I told you
I had to lie down.
- Hey!
- Oh, dear, oh, dear!
I'd like the number
for Miss Victoria Woodworth,
168 Riverside Drive...
No, you mustn't call,
you mustn't!
Oh, it's all right, Albert.
Hey, another one down!
But Miss Vicky, what did
your old man plan to do
with Central America
once he bought it?
Turn it into
a resort hotel.
One country for
hunting, one for golf,
so on, so on.
Came pretty close, too.
When we finish
chapter "O", you'll see
why it fizzled out.
Juliet, this party's gonna
fizzle out if your fiance
doesn't turn up soon.
Oh, he's, um,
out doing a
little last-minute
Christmas shopping.
That'll be
Fitzwilly now.
Fitzwilly! We are
waiting for you!
What on earth
are you...
What? Who?
Oh, yes, that could
be Sophia Adams' boy,
yes, put him on.
It's the son of one
of my oldest friends.
How is your
dear mother?
Well, you know how he is. He
might've passed a church on
the way home and dropped in.
Gimbels just called.
Darling, no one's been on
that phone except the son of
an old friend of Miss Vicky's,
Elliot Adams.
Who happens to be the
assistant district attorney
calling from Gimbels.
They've got Albert.
They've got
Albert for what?
For stealing all of
the cash in Gimbels.
He went in
and confessed!
That's crazy!
Why would he do that?
I don't know, you can
ask him yourself.
Miss Vicky says
that you're
the only one
who can get him
to tell what he did
with the money.
She wants you to
go with her to
Gimbels right now.
I'll be punished
for my sins now, and that's
what I've always wanted.
I'm a happy man, sir,
can't you see that?
I can't let you do it,
Albert, can't you see that?
But you must!
It's my wedding gift
to you and Miss Juliet!
Young man,
haven't we
met someplace?
No, sir,
we have not.
Now, listen, Albert.
He's not getting anywhere.
Elliot, don't be such
a stuffed shirt.
I'm sorry,
Miss Vicky,
but the DA's office
can't ignore a crime just
because it's a first offense.
It's not like tennis,
where the first serve
doesn't count.
Yes, but what
about the money?
Oh, lie down,
Mr. Oderblatz.
You're not a well man.
I should hate to have to
tell the DA why you were
expelled from Hotchkiss.
Miss Vicky.
Still, that might be
just a boyish prank.
On the other hand,
your expulsion from Harvard
seems to me
to show a definite
lack of character.
Dear Miss Vicky.
Even if I could
be blackmailed,
it wouldn't alter
the situation.
Gimbels has
lost $190,000!
Well, they can punish
my footman, or get
their money back. Not both.
What do you mean,
we can get
our money back?
I will not be cheated
of my punishment.
If you do this,
I'll go out
and rob Cartiers!
It's not so easy,
I tried it.
I need a blank check.
I beg your pardon,
Miss Vicky, I meant,
uh... Can't it wait?
I don't have any
of your checks with me.
Counter check.
A counter check.
Counter check.
Oh, don't worry
about Albert.
The charge will
just be... What
was it, Ellie?
Impersonation with
intent to defraud.
And Ellie will tell
the DA to suspend it.
Miss Vicky,
I can't tell the DA,
I can just advise him.
Ellie, I should hate
your dear wife up
in Cos Cob
to know about
the dancer your poor
mother had to pay off.
Counter check.
To Gimbels.
For $190,000.
Juliet? I give
you Fitzwilly.
Fitzwilly? I give
you Juliet.
Fitzwilly, dear,
though you
didn't say so,
I know you were provoked
with me at Gimbles
for writing that check.
He hates my dipping
into capital.
But this wasn't capital!
It was new money I earned
with the dictionary,
so that makes
it all right!
Cotty, show him.
Five hundred
thousand dollars!
From Opal Pictures.
And that's
only for A to K!
L to Z she'll sell
later for more.
If the movie
about Miss Vicky's father
is the sensation
Opal Pictures
thinks it will be,
they will undoubtedly
make a sequel.
Anyway, Fitzwilly,
dear, take
charge of it,
and use it to
good advantage
as you always do.
Oh, Fitzwilly,
it's for you.
It's a Byron Casey,
calling from Florida.
Hello, Byron.
Yes, I did call, Byron.
I just wanted to say...
Merry Christmas!
Make me sunsets
Paint our names in the sky
Let your arms be my wings
And together we'll fly
Don't let me fall, dear
I'm all I can be
Make me some rainbows
Star-spangled rainbows
Please make those rainbows
For me