Folk Hero & Funny Guy (2016) Movie Script

You cut me.
You cut me.
You cut me to the core.
You cut me, you cut me,
you cut me to the core.
I need you.
- Thank you.
- All right, all right.
That's David Kadowski everybody.
And remember, guys,
when you get the light
that means you really
have to wrap it up.
We can't keep going over.
All right, we are at number 37,
Paul Scott.
- Paul Scott, another no show.
- -No!
Paul Scott? All right, everyone,
give a big round of applause
for Paul Scott, yeah.
Thanks a lot.
Thank you.
So, I have this buddy.
He's a musician, pretty famous.
We've been friends
since we were kids.
And a few months ago...
I went on a road trip
With a buddy. And it was
an old friend of mine.
We'd known each other
since we were kids.
- Love you, David!
- And he's a comedian.
He's a very funny guy.
Um, but, he was kind
of down on his luck,
and he asked me if I want
to open up for him
on his east coast tour.
Sounds pretty cool, right?
- No, it was a fucking...
- Breakthrough.
- Yeah, whoo!
- A breakthrough.
And it was two friends.
You know, two artists,
really, traveling
through the forgotten
coastal towns of America,
trying to make connections
with people.
No press agents, no publicity,
just a man and his microphone.
Anyway, I'd like to dedicate
this song to my buddy, Paul.
And, uh, should be good.
Who owns a flat screen TV here?
Anybody have a flat screen TV?
I recently got
a huge flat screen TV,
I went to the department store,
and the guy was like
"this is a 42-inch television."
I was like, "really? I don't
really think it's 42 inches."
I took out my tape measure.
It was 37 and a half inches.
I was like, "what's this?
This is 37 an a half inches."
He says. "Oh, no, no, you gotta
measure it diagonally."
Later on that night
I was getting frisky
with my lady back at my place,
she was like, "you don't
have an eight inch penis."
I was like, "no sweetheart,
we gotta measure it diagonally."
All right, thank you,
you've been a great crowd.
Good night, everybody.
- Hey, Randy.
- Have a seat.
You got your drink tickets?
- I do, yeah, thanks.
- How's Emily?
Good. Good.
We broke up,
but I hear she's good.
Oh, man, I'm sorry.
She was very attractive.
Yeah, yeah, still is.
Still is attractive.
Still alive.
You guys were engaged, right?
- Yeah, mm-hmm.
- Sucks, man.
- That's why I never date hot girls.
- Yeah.
What about tonight,
how did you feel?
Good, good, I think
it went pretty well.
The crowd seemed a little...
A little distant,
but I think it was good.
Yeah, sure.
- Why? How do you think it went?
- Me?
I don't know. I mean,
I'm starting to think
maybe the act hasn't changed
that much in a few years.
Maybe it's starting to feel
a little early aughts.
What about that whole
linkedin versus Facebook rant?
I mean, isn't that basically
just a reworking
of your MySpace bit
that you used to do?
Everything is reworked
from something else.
Didn't you do like a friendster bit
before you did the MySpace thing?
That's my point, like,
it's just with the...
You're just filling in
new pieces
into a pre-existing
Anyway, look, I don't have
that much time up there.
It's all setup, punch line,
setup, punch line.
I don't know.
Maybe it's your delivery or...
Yeah, well, we were
talking about that,
doing like 30 or 35 minute
headlining set
and I feel I can really
kind of get into the rhythm
with these anecdotes,
like letting it roam.
Yeah, we can do that.
We can definitely do that.
Or the other option
is you take some time off,
you come back when you have 15 or
20 minutes of like, fresh material.
Gives you a chance to reboot.
Recharge a little bit.
This kid's funny.
Dropped something.
- Hello?
- Hey man, what's up?
- Jason? -Yeah, what's
going on, dude?
Hey, how's it going?
You calling me from a new phone?
No, no, no,
I'm on Stacy's phone.
Sta-who's Stacy?
Stacy's a friend of mine.
She just... she's really hot.
Hey, you know where
I am right now?
We're at the ice bar.
You should come down here
and get a drink.
Dude, I can't.
I'm sorry. I'd love to.
When are you back in town?
I leave tomorrow morning,
so you've gotta come now, man.
There's three girls here,
they're super good-looking.
Come on.
Okay, one drink.
He has no idea.
He's lost in the music.
Turns out he didn't
take ecstasy,
he took my dad's dick pills.
- I hate it when that happens.
- Right?
Dude, you should work that
in your act, man.
- You're a standup?
- Yeah, he is.
Paul's the funniest guy I know.
Yeah? Go ahead,
tell us a joke.
Yeah, tell us a joke.
I usually tell... i usually do that
on stage where... with an audience.
It's a context thing.
I don't tell jokes, really.
Well, I mean we hung out at this
after party with Chris rock,
he was amazing
with just a couple of us.
He was telling jokes all night.
That's Chris rock. When you're in
that pantheon, like Richard Pryor,
and George Carlin,
and Steve Martin,
- like you can do anything.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait,
hear me out here, all right?
What if you come
on tour with me?
- Oh, that's awesome.
- What? Like a groupie?
I mean no offense.
- No, not...
- We're not groupies.
- Seriously. -No, I know,
that's what I'm saying.
- No.
- Not like a groupie,
- and no you guys are not groupies.
- Definitely not.
No, as my opening act, man.
What are you doing
for the next few weeks?
You want me to open up
for your band?
Oh, if you don't wanna do it,
my cousin actually knows
Hannibal Buress.
Be perfect for you.
I didn't say I don't
wanna do it, I'm just saying,
you know, just give me
a second to think about it.
Don't think about it
for too long, you know?
All right, ready?
Here's to comedy
- before folk rock.
- Cheers.
- Rise and shine.
- What the fuck are you doing?
What do you mean what the fuck am I doing?
I'm picking you up.
Dude, I thought you were
bullshitting last night.
No way, dude, I wouldn't
bullshit about this.
Wait, hold the door!
Hold the door! I'm coming up!
Okay, okay.
- Yo, what's up, dude?
- What's up, man? Hey.
- What a night, huh?
- Yeah.
I like what you did with the place.
It's nice.
- Thanks, yeah, it was featured
in "dwell" magazine. -Funny.
Well, our first stop's Jersey,
I wanna get on the road
and get going
before rush hour traffic.
Jason, I can't just eject
out of my life
- and join the fucking circus.
- Dude, you're a temp.
- Can I have a beer? You want a beer?
- No, you go ahead.
I'm in a place
right now where I need
to focus on my writing,
I need to hunker down
and flesh out some new material.
Well, then flesh out
some new material on the road.
You are asking me to create an opening
act for a musical performance.
I can't just whip it up
in an afternoon.
You were on Conan.
Okay, I'm sure you'll be fine
on my solo acoustic tour.
- Yeah, in a sketch about Bartman.
- Yeah.
Anyway, my role
was a non-speaking role.
Okay, it's not standup.
It's very different.
Well, whatever, dude,
I'm sure it'll be fine.
Jason, I need to get
my life in order.
I need to climb out of debt.
I need to find a mattress
that doesn't have
a slow leak in it.
What the fuck else
are you gonna do?
What, are you going
to go back to advertising?
No fucking way, dude.
What? What? My former boss,
he started this new agency.
He's making six figures.
Has equity in stock backend
options or something,
he said he'd give me an interview
in the next few weeks.
Dude, how many times have
we fucking talked about this?
A career in music?
A career in comedy?
That, my friend,
is a lifetime commitment.
And you wanna look back
in four years and realize
that you gave up
because a girl dumped you,
and then fucking money
was tight?
Hey, man, is there any chance
we can swing by my old place?
I'd love to grab my rolling bag.
What? You still
have stuff at Emily's?
A few little things, yeah.
Thank you.
You still have
a lot of stuff here.
Yeah. I'm still getting
settled in my new place, babe,
- sorry. -You know,
it's no big deal,
but, can you not keep
calling me "babe"?
Sorry, force of habit.
Oh, I got a call
from the wedding planner.
The hotel's gonna give us back
50% of our deposit.
Ooh, 50%, how generous of them.
You really thought
we were ready to get married?
- I thought I was, yeah.
- You really think that?
You were out at clubs
every night.
You know, you were gone
on the weekend.
I rarely book weekend gigs.
- Very rarely.
- Okay, just, all right.
Anyway, whatever. I'm sure you'll
be very happy here with...
- Rob?
- Ron.
Ron, the DJ.
Grandmaster Ron, right?
The Yankees fan.
He's not a Yankees fan.
- Okay, he just likes the hat.
- That's even worse.
What about your vintage
Milwaukee brewers jacket?
In Boston, no one gives a shit
about the Milwaukee brewers.
They're in different leagues.
It's not a competition.
That's what makes it ironic.
What's his DJ name anyway?
- He doesn't have a DJ name.
- Too cool for a DJ name.
- No.
- He's above that.
- DJ no name. -Look, he is
a nice guy, all right?
He's happy.
He's not tortured.
He doesn't get angry at me
if I order pour over coffee.
That one BARISTA was a prick.
- Okay, look...
- With his little spout.
Okay, look, I want to be
with somebody who doesn't
feel the need to categorize every
known flaw in the material world.
I'm an observational comic,
babe. Emily.
- Okay? It's what I do.
- Is it?
- Yes. -Is it? Because
the comedy clubs
don't seem to appreciate
how funny you are.
They barely pay you.
You know, in advertising,
people knew
how talented you were.
They did.
They gave you awards.
I mean, they still ask about you
down at the agency all the time.
Well, you can tell them
I'm still paying my dues.
Hey man.
How did it go?
Really good.
Good, that's good.
What she wanted was stability.
That's what she wanted.
She wanted stability.
She wanted comfort.
She wanted reliability.
She wanted a sturdy foundation
to build a future on.
And I get it. That's what I wanted, too.
I can't blame her for that.
Yeah. Let me ask you
a question.
Where do you think
that comes from?
Certainly doesn't come
from being with somebody
who doesn't believe in you,
and I believe in you.
And you used to believe
in yourself
and that's why we're going
on this tour.
That's why we're gonna go to
Philly, we're gonna go to D.C.,
we're gonna go all the way
down to Georgia, man.
And it's gonna be great.
We're gonna get your mojo back.
- Mojo?
- Yeah!
I'm not looking
to date anyone, Jason.
Who said about dating anybody?
This is the road, okay?
Commitments run light.
Shit, get this man a beer.
Get him a beer.
Here we go!
Yeah, beer him up.
Guys! To the tour, right?
- To the tour!
- To the tour!
- To the tour!
- To the tour! Yeah!
Here we go!
We're at the city center.
- Well, we're here.
- All right, chug that.
All right, we're here.
We gotta go.
Oh, where?
We're playing here tonight?
No, no, no. In a few
months we will be though.
Great tour, guys.
Way to go.
- Should I get my bag?
- Yeah, get your bag.
Drive safe, guys.
- Oh. -Oh, is that your
car from college?
Yeah. I fixed it up.
Put a little money into it.
Well, what's it doing here?
You kinda need a car
for a road trip.
- Right? -We're not
going on the bus?
What? No.
- The bus?
- Yeah.
The bus is like
25 grand a week, man.
I'm doing good,
but not that good.
No, man, it's just us,
the road,
and the Swedish pick-up.
Okay, let's hear it,
let's hear your list.
Okay, well, mine is like,
you got six, Paul Simon.
- Five, Neil young.
- Okay.
- We got four, cat Stevens.
- Cat Stevens?
- What do you mean cat Stevens?
- Fumble.
- What do you mean, "fumble"?
- Fumble.
- What do you mean?
- That's a fumble.
It's my list. I can have
cat Stevens if I want.
Fumble recovered by the defense.
I respected your list.
Respect my list.
- Okay.
- Okay?
Four, cat Stevens.
Three, tom petty.
- And Bruce obviously is
only second to... -Dylan.
- Bob Dylan. -Okay, and
what about John Lennon?
No room for John Lennon? One of
the greatest artists of all time?
This is a tough one,
but John Lennon,
he's a Beatle, and we're
doing solo artists.
Well, he was a solo artist
for a while.
But, okay, what if the Beatles
were called John Lennon
and the Beatles? Then what?
Well, then, he'd be leaving
what, like the top spot in bands
to be number three
in solo artists?
I don't know
if he'd want to do that.
By the way, Bruce Springsteen
is part of the e street band.
- That's true. -Not to make a
technicality, but, you know?
- That's a problem.
- All right.
Well, with Bruce,
it's Bruce, man.
Okay, so the rules
don't apply to Bruce.
Rules don't apply to Bruce.
My daddy used to take me down
to the old abandoned
Cadillac factory.
Hold on! Why did your
daddy take you down
to the old abandoned
Cadillac factory?
Oh, it's because my dad
liked to be unemployed.
We'd have all day to just throw
the old baseball around.
I used to know this folk singer.
- Who?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. -He was tall,
looked like Tarzan,
but he had a big beard.
Didn't smell so good.
I said,
"I know this funny guy."
And I said "you two should
go on the road together.
Put that funny guy
on the road with you.
Send him to all those
abandoned college bars,
and broken down
little music venues.
This one's called
'folk hero and funny guy.'"
one, two, three, four.
How about outback?
Outback's good?
I don't wanna eat at a chain.
Dude, I'm starving.
Come on.
Believe me, I'm starving, too.
Okay, I'm hungry. I'm just
as hungry as you are,
but we just gotta get off
this fucking highway.
Okay, this is what
we need right here.
Hi, how's it going?
Two please.
- Drinks on the back.
- Great, thank you so much.
- And you can sit wherever.
- Thank you so much.
I am going to devour every
meat-based item on this menu.
I bet you they got
homemade pie here.
I'm gonna get you guys
some water,
- I'll be right back.
- Wait! One second.
- Wait, actually, I've got a couple
questions about beer. -Yeah, sure. Mm-hmm?
I was looking for an IPA.
Do you guys have any kind
of like non-piney,
or too hoppy...
- Can I get a vodka soda?
- We have cocktails on the back.
- You don't wanna try something fancy?
- No, just like a well vodka.
Do you guys have those flights of beers?
You know what I mean?
Like they have four
different kinds?
No. I know what
you're talking about.
We don't have one
of those. Sorry.
Oh, okay. I'm gonna do
the brimmer lager.
That sounds good.
Yeah. Great. Thank you.
Uh, I have to tell you,
I saw you play
at garden state arts center
last year.
Oh, cool.
That was a good show.
And then I saw you the year
before at beacon theater.
- Cool. -Yeah, I'm also...
can I get a bowl of chili?
And then this goes way back,
but when you opened
for Mumford and sons
at the Poconos raceway,
oh, my god, a real fan.
- Well, no, I just like music, you know?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm not just a waitress.
- I blog.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- That's cool.
Oh, we have an open mic
night tonight.
- You have to play.
- An open mic night.
I know, it's perfect.
No, no, no, it would be epic.
It would be...
Yeah? It would mean
so much to us.
I just don't really do
any open mics anymore.
I know, but it...
This is a cool space,
like the crowd's awesome.
It would mean a lot to us.
It would be really cool.
I'll tell you what,
why don't you get this guy
to get up on stage
and do some stand up
- and then maybe I'll get
up and do a set. -Comedy?
- Yeah.
- Great.
If... you really
wanna do a set?
- Let's do a set. -Sure, yeah,
I'll do a quick set, yeah.
Yeah, I'll go sign
you guys up. Perfect.
Oh, oh, wait, one second.
We're actually really hungry.
I'm gonna get
the Philly Cheesesteak,
the wings, and the curly fries.
I'm gonna stop you there. Our
kitchen's been closed since 9:00.
- What?
- Sorry.
- Really, and there's...
- Did no one tell you?
Who's supposed to tell me
besides you?
We have some chips.
And we have jalapeno,
buffalo blue cheese,
- salt and vinegar.
- Oh, they're homemade?
- No.
- Oh.
Or, oh! There's half
a hamburger in the back,
um, busboy cleared it off
the table, nobody touched it.
It's not gross.
I do it all the time.
I'm just gonna
stick with the chips.
Just a bag of
jalapeno chips, please.
And I'll do the...
I'll do the salt and vinegar.
- Cool.
- Great, thank you.
Tell me you didn't like that.
Come on.
- She's pretty good, huh?
- She's really good.
- Really good.
- Yeah.
She's definitely got her own
thing, that's for sure.
What does that mean exactly?
- What?
- Thing?
She's got her own thing.
You know, like musicians
have a thing.
You know, and some
do and some don't.
- What's her thing? -Well, I'm the
good times of Wilco mixed with
the authenticity of Bob Dylan.
- Rolling stone, 2008.
- Right, yeah.
What's my thing?
- What's your thing?
- Yeah, what's my thing?
You mean your thing now or
like your thing in the future?
You're saying I haven't
fully fulfilled my thing?
I think we're finding
that thing.
That's the reason
that we're on this tour.
All right, Brian. Give it
up for Brian, everybody.
- That was... -it's Bryn, actually,
I'm a woman. Thank you.
I'm sorry. That was really...
It was beautiful though.
Okay, so I noticed some of you
taking photos and videos.
If you guys could please not
upload that to social media
without hashtagging it
"JBD open mic,"
that really helps us out.
Thank you very much.
And yes, up next,
we have a hilarious comedian
who's currently
touring the country,
opening for Jason black,
Paul Scott.
Thank you very much.
It's a dildo,
ladies and gentlemen.
That was very sweet of you.
Actually never...
You know what it feels like?
It feels like one of those
stress balls, you know?
I should feel a lot less
stressful just squeezing it.
This is nice.
This is relaxing me.
I'm gonna put
the device down here.
Who's the bride to be here
at this table?
You are?
What's your name?
- Elizabeth.
- Elizabeth?
Your husband's a very lucky man.
You know what a telltale sign is
that your friends
are getting married
is when they ask
for your mailing address.
'Cause in today's day and age,
there's absolutely no reason
to get someone's physical
mailing address
unless you're getting married.
There's nothing subtle,
there's nothing
discreet about it.
It's like tinder and Facebook.
You know how you have to be
on Facebook to join tinder,
only in all the photos on tinder
are your Facebook photos?
So when all of my guy friends
started incorporating
all these photos of themselves,
all suave and cool,
onto Facebook,
I was like "that motherfucker's
joining tinder.
Just got out of a relationship.
He's lonely.
This guy's
getting his dick wet."
Nothing subtle.
Nothing discreet about it.
You guys do evites here?
Any people do evites?
Hey, for me, evites,
I think it would be
a very convenient and easy way
to invite my friends to a party.
But, in fact, it's a very public
and very humiliating forum
for my friends to tell me
why they won't be joining me.
I have this one friend
who replied,
"sorry, fly-fishing
in Belize."
Who country drops on evite?
That's just so tacky.
I have this other friend
who said, "no plus one."
So even people I don't know
aren't coming to my party.
You were really
good up there tonight.
Oh, thank you.
- Yeah, really good.
- That's very nice of you.
- Thanks.
- It was a good set.
You're very funny. You reminded me of
like a young Woody Allen, kind of.
- Oh, that's nice of you to say.
- Yeah, funny.
Yeah, it's kind of...
I don't know,
I felt it's kind of weird
to do comedy after music.
It's like the audience is in a
different head space or something.
Yeah, and we don't get that,
we don't get comedy here much.
Oh really, have you
done this a bunch?
- A few times, yeah.
- This open mic?
A few times, yeah.
Yeah, it's fun.
I suppose. Good.
It's a nice crowd.
Yeah. I'm Paul,
by the way.
- Bryn.
- Nice to meet you.
- Very nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
So what brings you
out here to Jersey?
- Um, I live here now.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
- Cool.
- Did you grow up here or...?
- No, I grew up in Maryland...
- in Maryland? -Yeah, I've
been here for a few months.
Uh, yeah, I kinda wanted
to live in Manhattan,
near Brooklyn,
but kinda expensive.
- Too expensive?
- Yeah.
I know, it's insane over there.
- Yeah, it's crazy.
- I know, it's nuts.
It's not fair. Unless
you're a banker and then...
- Unless you're a banker
- and they're fucking shit.
- Do you know a lot of bankers?
- No.
How do you know?
From what you've read?
Yeah. It's my image
of New York.
Anyway, I'm gonna go back in.
It was nice chatting with you.
Nice chatting with you, too.
Do... hey... do...
Can I buy you a drink inside?
- Uh, yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah. -All right. All
right, yeah, good.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome, Jason black.
How long have you guys
known each other?
We've known each other
since we were kids.
- That's so cute.
- We've stayed friends.
- We're still really close.
- Do you always tour together?
No, no, no, no, no.
This is our first.
- That's very brave.
- Jason black, everybody.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you for coming.
Feel free to come back
every week
if you ever wanna try
anything out or anything.
I have to admit, I'm a little
bit of a Jason black fan.
Sure, yeah.
Good looking,
charming, barefoot.
What's not to like?
Exactly, that's what...
It's the bare feet.
- That's why they're all here.
- That's why I like him.
- They're all here. Foot fetishists.
- Yeah, no.
None of them
really like his music.
What about you?
What are your aspirations?
- My aspirations?
- Yeah.
Right now I'm just kind of like
focusing on the music thing.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
So what about you,
Mr. comedian?
What are your big aspirations?
I just wanna be
one of the greats.
I wanna be really,
really good at this.
Well, I think those
are two different things.
- Like?
- Being great and good?
Yeah. What if you
can only be good?
Like I feel like I gave up
a whole career path to do this.
So, I guess my real aspiration
is to see it through,
see if I can really pull it off.
Very noble.
To pursuing your dreams
and being very poor.
- But happy.
- But happy.
Just chug this, you'll be happy.
Hey, how's it going?
Jason, this is Bryn.
Bryn, this is Jason.
- It's so nice to meet you.
- It's so nice to meet you.
This bachelorette party
just bought me a pitcher
of fat tire, isn't that awesome?
- God, you have a killer voice.
- Thank you.
- I mean, really, really great.
- That's really nice.
Yeah, hey, and you were great.
I don't know if you could see it,
the lights were blinding you
in the face, whatever,
but there were a lot of people
laughing, dude, okay?
- I don't know if they were expecting comedy.
- It was a weird room.
- It actually was freaky.
- Yeah, this room wasn't...
- It's not made for comedy.
- Yeah, you were great.
- I think so. -But you know I
have you listed on my website
as a comedian, so my fans
are going to be expecting comedy
- every time i...
- The new fans.
- It sounds so lame. -No, no, I'm
actually a fan of your music.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- You know my music?
- I do know, yes.
Wow, that is so nice of you. How
long have you been writing music?
I've actually been writing
for like a couple of months.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- You'd never know.
- Thank you.
- You are so comfortable up there.
- Thanks.
- Yeah, really beautiful.
- Yeah, I'm... i...
- It's crazy to meet you.
- I know, it's crazy.
This is awesome.
It's his real tail
on the back of a wheelchair.
Looks like it's bleached.
You guys want another round?
- I can't. I'm done.
- What? No.
Yeah, I'm pretty spent, too.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It's the first night
of the tour. Come on!
Yeah, I have a feeling there's
gonna be more nights like this.
All right, whatever. Well, I
got my fans to hang out with.
I'm gonna walk back to the hotel.
I'll meet you there?
- Yeah.
- Where you staying?
The Fernwood. Oh, that's
right near where I am.
- I can drop you off.
- Oh, yeah?
- That would be great.
- Can I finish this?
- Yeah, go for it.
- It was so nice to meet you.
- I'll see you in a bit.
- Okay, nice meeting you, too.
- It was a really fun night.
- You're great.
You're great.
Hey! You can't touch
the ball with your hand.
- It was so loud, like in the treble?
- I know.
I think that's why I have
that ringing in my ears.
You were like right inside
of the speaker, as well.
- Bryn!
- Oh, hey!
Hey, are you leaving
or are you...
- Oh! Are you?
- I'm up. Yeah, I'm up next.
Oh, shit, yes.
I'm not gonna leave.
- I'm gonna stay.
- Yeah, okay, awesome.
- Stella, Paul.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
She's like
the next Regina Spektor.
- She's so amazing. -Oh, really?
I love Regina Spektor.
Okay, bye.
- She watches my cat.
- Oh, really?
So I feel sort of...
She's great, but, yeah.
So I'm gonna...
Yeah, I'm gonna...
And walk back to the hotel.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Okay, I'm just gonna...
- Yeah, totally.
- Okay.
- All right.
- I'll see you later.
- Thank you, Paul.
- It was so nice to meet you.
- You, too.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Thank you?
I know how to open...
A door. Okay,
I'm fine. I'm fine.
- I'm fine now.
- Close the door.
Paul, hey, I got good news.
I got us a late checkout.
That's amazing.
Now close the fucking door!
So we're leaving at noon.
Hey, Paul.
I'm really excited.
I think you're in the wrong bed.
Oh, hi, how you doing?
I'm doing well, thanks, yeah.
No, no, this is perfect.
Yeah, I'm right between
two meetings.
This is a great time.
Uh-huh. Well, no,
Cyle, Cyle with a c,
he's my old partner.
Yeah, no, he's a great guy.
- Dude, shut the fuck up, dude.
- Yes.
- Come on! -Could you just
hold on for one quick sec?
- Shut up. -One of my
designers has a question.
Yeah, Jack?
No, these designs look great.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- What are you doing?
Hi, yes, sorry. It's been a
little bit nutty this week.
Well, no, so, Cyle said
that you guys are thinking
about maybe bringing
on a new writer?
- Okay.
- No, way.
- Hold on one second.
- Really?
- Jack, those look great.
- Okay.
- That's all I need from you.
- -Yup.
Where you going?
Paul, where...
You left the... you can't
leave the car running.
What are you doing?
What are we doing here, man?
Specifically comedic.
- Hey Paul!
- Plot endeavors.
- Yes, right.
- Are you running from me?
- Right, well, i... -okay, you're
gonna run from me? All right.
You see what you just
gonna make me do?
You almost just killed me.
I think you're thinking
of the Simpson's character.
Yeah, no, this is the guy
who caught the foul ball.
I can hammer time.
I actually don't know
where he is right now.
- That's a very good question.
- I can hammer time.
But, for me, it's all about
what is the right medium
for the message?
So, theoretically,
you don't hire him,
you should give me the position,
I can be available anytime.
Thank you so much. Bye-bye.
Dude, either commit
to this tour or get off, okay?
- Commit to the tour?
- Yeah.
I'm keeping options open.
What's wrong with that?
No! Don't fucking
b-plan, dude!
Hey, you could tend bar,
wait tables,
do anything but fucking
go back into advertising.
It'll suck you back in,
then, whoosh,
you'll be a drone in sector d.
I'm here, right?
I'm on the tour.
I'm on the glamorous
Jason black world tour.
Yeah, which is why I'm pissed.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hey.
I'm so relieved.
- Hey!
- Oh, hi.
- How's it going?
- Great, good to see you.
- Good to see you. -I was
definitely scared for a second
that I made this
whole thing up in my head.
Well, no, no, sorry,
we just got a late start.
And then Paul had this really
important job interview
that we had...
You know, but it went great.
Oh, that's awesome.
Yeah, I just...
- hey, are you ready to open
up for us tonight? -Yes!
I'm dorkily very excited.
You're opening up for us?
That's awesome!
That's such a brilliant idea.
You mean, you didn't know?
You didn't tell him.
You see Bryn play last night?
You know Bryn.
Yeah, of course.
She's amazing.
Yeah, that's such a...
That's brilliant.
- Yeah, great.
- Of course, it makes total sense.
Why didn't I think of that?
I thought that you could open up
and that you could middle,
and obviously
I'll shorten my set,
- give you guys plenty of stage time.
- Perfect. That's great.
Is it weird? Is it weird
for there to be a standup act
in between two musical acts?
Uh... I don't think so.
Great. Welcome aboard.
That's awesome.
- Yeah, it'll be great.
- It'll be awesome, dude.
- It'll be fucking fun.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna go check out
the pool back here.
- All right, it's cool.
- There's actually...
- It's covered, because i...
- It's this way?
It's covered.
- Dude, I forgot.
- You forgot.
I forgot.
You forgot you invited her
to join us on tour?
Well, not now,
but in the car I forgot.
Yeah, we got pretty
wasted last night.
- Yeah, did you?
- Really wasted.
Yeah, I got fucking drunk.
Cool. Paul Scott,
on the third wheel tour.
Dude, no, okay?
She gets it. Okay?
Now I told her this is about
you getting your mojo back.
- You told her that?
- Yeah, no.
I mean, not that.
But she knows this is about
you and me hanging out.
Okay, look, Jason,
you fucked up.
We can't undo it now,
let's just move on.
Well, she said she could
go sleep in her Van.
- In her Van?
- Yeah.
- Is that safe? -Yeah, she's
got curtains in there,
she's got a mattress,
and it's...
So you guys hooked up.
That's fucking awesome.
Wait, wait.
Why? Wait...
- So, you're into Bryn?
- Dude, I talked to her first.
I was hanging out
with her all night.
- What do you think?
- Well, you went home.
- I was being a class act.
- Okay, well, you know what,
next time can you fucking tell me
because I am not a mind reader.
And you know what?
I'll tell her to go home.
Okay? It'll just be
you and me, that's it.
Look, what's done is done, okay?
Let's just move on.
It's just, the thing is
you do this every fucking time.
There was a meaning to this.
- You've done this a million times before.
- Name one.
-Um, horde festival,
when you ditched me to hang out
with blues traveler.
Remember that?
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Did i... was it good?
- That was great.
Awesome, so good, man.
- Oh, my god.
- Way to go.
I just wish you would think
things through, you know?
Which is why I'm on this
fucking tour to begin with.
Mr. Paul Scott.
How's it going?
Oh, thank you very much.
How you guys doing tonight?
It's great to be
in Pennsylvania.
P to the a, right?
I was running a little late tonight.
I had to take a taxi.
Is it me or is very, very murky just how
much you're supposed to tip these cabbies?
I'm pretty unclear,
and after 911,
it's gotten a lot trickier
for white guys like me,
because most cabbies
are middle eastern
and I have a lot of white guilt,
which always confuses
the tip equation for me.
So, like I'll pull up to a place
and the fare
will say $11.00,
and all I have is a twenty
and I'll tell the cabbie,
"you know what,
you can keep the tip.
I'm also flying out of la Guardia
tomorrow at 11:30 in the morning.
Is that a good time to fly?"
And try and get intel,
because you don't know
if he has relatives
or sleeper cell affiliations.
Not a lot of people
take taxis out here
in this part
of Pennsylvania, huh?
Not a big, uh...
I guess this is also not a
prime target for terrorists,
all the way out here.
Flight 93 crashed right here
in Pennsylvania, asshole!
Hey. How did you
feel up there?
- Was it that bad?
- What? No.
No, you were... I mean, I mean,
you're so confident, first of all.
Your shirt's great.
It was a good choice.
And I think... I mean,
I could never do that.
Um, this next song is...
Well, it's about a girl.
Look, I appreciate
that sentiment,
but you don't have to sell this
well, I think you're great.
She's very special to me.
And we did that hard thing of...
We became friends
after we became lovers.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
- Have you seen a lot of
standup comedy? -Why?
I'm just saying,
if you were exposed
to more stand up acts,
you'd quickly realize
that what I did up there
would not cut the mustard.
And I get this phone
call from Brett,
and he calls me up,
and he's like,
"hey, would you mind
if I took her out on a date?"
You know, I think I know
what it is, actually,
because I'm a woman, and like
we don't understand comedy.
We just get really
confused by it,
and I didn't take
that college course
on what's funny, damn it!
One thing you'd realize
very quickly in your studies
is that this room
is not built for comedy.
Jokes don't work in this room.
That pang of jealousy
just started to come over me,
and I felt like I needed
to write a song about it,
and it's called, "she's
just a girl that I knew."
that's great. That's fantastic.
Thank you.
Full-on penetration.
That's what that means.
A musical comedy is a completely
different animal.
And the really fucked up
part was that I felt
the break up would somehow give
me more material to draw from.
You know, give me more
life experience.
Like my situation, made me too soft
and bland and comfortable, whatever.
Yeah, I've been there,
done that.
She deserved better.
Yeah, that's probably why I
waited so long. You know?
I'd work on my music
and sow my wild oats
and just get all that voodoo
shit out of my system.
How's that working out for you?
Got another decade of voodoo?
Hey, now, I wanted to tell you
something earlier,
and I thought that it might
step on a sore spot,
so I didn't say anything,
but I think I might have found
the person that I want to spend
the rest of my life with.
Bryn? You're gonna spend
the rest of your life
- with fucking Bryn?
- No, no, no, no.
I mean Bryn's cool.
Yeah, but, no, not Bryn.
Who's Becky?
What do you mean, who's Becky?
- Becky Bellington.
- Becky Bellington?
- You remember... -biology
t.A., Becky Bellington?
How long you guys
been going out for?
Oh, god, I don't know.
For years, really.
- For years? -Yeah, I mean every
time that I'd roll through town
we had these like
crazy nights together,
and sometimes on weekends.
I don't know, I just never
felt anybody...
Felt the way about her
as I do feel anybody else.
- Becky Bellington?
- Yeah.
- Do you have a photo?
- Yeah, here.
- For years you were hanging out.
- Yeah, yeah.
I mean, look, here.
That one.
That one there.
You and Bryn are already
friends on Facebook?
- Yeah.
- When did that happen?
I don't know, she added me
like yesterday.
Wow, she looks exactly the same.
She's engaged?
that's the not so sweet part.
So where does she live?
She lives in Charleston.
- Charleston?
- Yeah.
- Isn't that one of our last stops?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, yeah, I thought
it could be kind of like
my last hurrah of singledom.
- Your last hurrah.
- Yeah.
So, is this even a real tour?
What? Is this even
a real tour?
Yeah, it's a real tour.
Okay, look.
I booked one gig in Charleston
to see Becky.
And I went on my website
and I looked
and I thought it might be
a little obvious,
like one lone show
in her hometown,
so I booked a few more gigs
along the way.
I thought it would be fun
to drive, you know?
What? Just to like
throw off the scent,
you put on more gigs
to smokescreen it?
No, no, well, at first, yeah,
but then I got excited about it.
You know? Playing smaller
venues to, like, fewer people,
a little more intimate
of an audience.
I thought it'd be cool.
That face.
Okay, remember
when we saw Bruce?
- When he dropped in at
the stone pony? -Yeah.
Okay, and wasn't that the best
fucking show you ever saw?
- Yeah, it was a good show. -And
was he playing a real show?
Jason, when you play
small intimate venues
where you connect
with the crowd,
that's one thing.
That's hip.
Okay? That's a happening.
People say "I was there."
When I play those same venues,
it's different.
You understand that? It's a
reinforcement of a dead end.
Okay, but if this
were a real tour,
you probably wouldn't
even be here.
There would probably be some
indie, like, skinny Jean hip band
my label would force
down my throat,
- so that I could appeal to gen x.
- We are gen x.
Look, I think your set's
just kind of...
- Clenched.
- What does that mean?
- "Clenched"? -I don't know the
correct comedy term for it,
okay, but it's just,
I don't know,
a little tight-ass?
Fucking throw away
the joke book, man.
Let go.
Okay, and in music
the more real it is,
the more personal it is,
people can relate to that.
Look, I want
all of these people,
I want everybody to know...
I want this guy
hi. Okay? I want him
to know who you are.
To know the Paul Scott
that I know and love.
And if you can bring
that guy on stage
night after night after night,
with that kind of consistency,
fuck, the sky's
the limit for you, dude.
I appreciate you saying it.
Can we hug it out?
Come on.
Come on, come on.
Bring it for the real thing.
Did they put me in country?
So is Bryn coming down
with us to Charleston?
Yeah, if she's up for it.
Well, I'm sure she's up for it.
I think you should
tell her though,
'cause, you know, it's kind
of a big deal for her.
I think Bryn's kind of a big
deal for you, hey, buddy?
Fear not tonight, I'm gonna
leave you two alone, all right?
I'm gonna make myself scarce.
I'll crash somewhere else.
No, that's gonna
make it awkward.
It would make everyone
Dude, it's not gonna make it awkward.
Okay? It's gonna be fine.
- It's gonna be fine?
- Yeah, all right,
it would be more awkward for me
if I'm watching you
sift through the fog.
- Okay, so this is about you.
- Yeah, yes.
- Now I get it.
- Yes, this is about me.
- Now it makes perfect sense.
- Yeah, I need this for you.
Okay, looks like we've got
a couple rooms available.
413, with a fireplace
and room 420.
Which is a smoking room.
The fireplace room
is fine, thanks.
Hey, hey, Paul. Is it cool if
Bryn crashes with us tonight?
- Yeah, yeah, of course.
- Are you sure?
- Totally.
- Yes, see.
That's really nice.
Shall we get a cot, then?
- Sure.
- Yeah?
Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea.
We should get a cot.
So, you need a cot?
Yeah, I guess we need a cot.
Um, you know, I'm gonna go make
a few important phone calls,
and then smoke
a cigarette, and be...
- Thanks, bud.
- Be back in a while.
All right.
You're all set.
Continental breakfast
6:00 to 8:00 every morning.
Just right up the stairs
is your room.
And there's a snack machine
in case you get the munchies.
- Great.
- Thank you.
Oh, this isn't so bad.
- Yeah, it's not bad at
all, actually. -No.
It's even kind of fancy.
I don't know if I'd go that far.
Um, do you mind
if I use the bathroom?
Yeah, of course.
This isn't Shawshank.
You don't have to ask
for permission.
It was a very weird question.
It was a very weird...
I'm giving you 45 seconds.
Hey, got the cot
you guys wanted.
Oh, yeah, yeah, you know what, actually,
I don't think we need the cot.
- Who is it?
- It's housekeeping.
I'm actually
the assistant manager.
- With the cot?
- Yup!
Yeah, okay, why don't you
come on in?
Yup, just right through here.
I'll just pull this out
real quick.
- How's your day going?
- Good. How about you?
Do you need any help
with anything?
- I'll leave this right there, okay?
- It's okay.
So, yeah, if you guys need
any recommendations here in town
for restaurants, bowling alleys,
weed, just hit zero.
I'm your guy.
- Great.
- Hi.
- That's fantastic.
- Yeah, so. All right.
- Cool.
- All right.
Oh, here.
Forgot the...
Yeah, all I have is a...
All I have is a twenty.
- I don't have any change.
- Right.
- Thing is...
- I don't have any change.
- You don't have any change either?
- No.
You don't have to.
You don't need change.
So, oh, wow,
that is very generous, yeah.
Oh, if you guy want firewood
for the fireplace,
- I can bring that up. -Sure,
yeah, it comes with the room.
Oh, it's $50, but it comes
with champagne.
50 bucks?
I think we're good.
Yeah, I guess we're good.
You'll just keep
each other warm then.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Thank you.
You got it. I'll just put
this on the door outside.
Yeah. This is so much
better than my Van.
Oh, no, you should
take one of the beds.
- I was gonna take the cot.
- Are you kidding?
- Are you sure?
- Stop.
- But thank you, though.
- All right.
- Well, if you reconsider.
- Okay.
- Everything good?
- Do you wanna use the bath...
- Oh, I was gonna take a shower.
- No, I already showered.
- You sure?
- No, I'm sure. I'm sure.
Okay, okay.
- I shower quickly.
- Good. Cool. Enjoy.
A priest could walk in on you,
boning a girl
in the confession booth,
and he'd be like, "whoo!
She's smoking. You're fine."
Three hail Marys
and send me some jpegs.
Now, Maryland, I have some
good news for you tonight.
Led zeppelin couldn't do it,
Fleetwood Mac did not do it,
but tonight, we are gonna do it,
stand up comedy before
folk rock, are you ready?
Are you ready?
All right!
All right.
So, what is up with evites?
What's up with it?
- Hey.
- Hey.
How's it going?
I got you a beer.
- Oh, thanks.
- Cheers.
You should feel really good
about the beginning of that.
- It was awesome.
- Thanks.
Yeah, I mean, that was just
crowd work, but thank you.
Oh, whatever it was,
it was great.
It was like here and honest.
I love this song.
And Jason was totally right
when he said that
that's where your ticket is.
- Like that's where...
- Hey Bryn, could we not...
Could we not deconstruct my act
every night we hang out?
Is that okay?
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
I'm just trying to be helpful.
And I just see your potential.
- Oh, oh, my god, I sound like my mom.
- My potential.
No, you have potential, too.
I'm just like...
How would you like it
if I pick apart your act
like moments after
you get off stage?
- Honestly?
- Yeah, honestly.
- I could handle it. -You
think you'd be fine with it?
- Yup.
- Okay.
Maybe we should get out
of here before Jason
- yeah. -Ropes us into
another night of drinking.
Hi. Sorry to bug you guys,
but, do you think we can
- get a photo with you?
- You were so funny.
He was, right?
You really were.
- Sure, yeah.
- Your work is hysterical.
- Thank you.
- Are you his girlfriend?
- No. -Well, you guys look
really good together.
- Oh, thanks. -If you were,
that would be good.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Would you mind?
No, not at all.
- I really like your hair.
- Thanks.
- Yeah. -You're so
sweet, all right.
- You guys ready?
- Are you?
- Say Paul Scott.
- Paul Scott.
- Here you go.
- Thank you so much.
Yeah, no problem.
Oh, wow, I look so fat there.
Do you still want to go?
Well, why don't we all just have
a drink and wait for Jason?
- Yeah, we'll, get you a drink.
- Yeah.
Okay, you're good. You
wanna hang out and get a...
Uh, no, I'm good, I'm good.
But, I'm gonna quick finish
this... and you guys have fun.
I'm gonna head back to the room.
- I'll see you there.
- You sure?
- Yeah. -You don't
wanna have one drink?
- No, you guys have fun.
- Just one?
No, I'm good.
Nice to meet you.
- Hey.
- So good,
you're friends with Jason black?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
And I look,
and it's my tour manager, Kyle.
You know Kyle, right? And he's riding
on horseback into the mountains
with no clothes on.
I swear to god.
And so now, you gotta remember,
it's just me, Ben folds,
Bon Iver, and Trey Anastasio,
from phish?
You guys know him, right?
Yeah, and we're sitting
in this like...
- In this um...
- Wigwam.
Wigwam, wigwam,
beautiful wigwam,
in the door I see a shadow,
and it was a possum.
- Do you love possums?
- I do.
That's great.
Are we connected.
- Wow. -Yeah, it
was really great.
Last call.
All right.
Last call.
Um, what do you guys wanna do?
I mean, since we're staying
at the same hotel...
I mean, we have
plenty of booze, s0...
Yeah, let's keep it going.
- After party!
- After party!
- After party.
- Yeah!
Wait, you should go back.
No, dude, you just got out
of a fucking relationship
- for five years.
- Yeah.
All right. You're just...
This is exactly what you need.
I promise.
I hear sounds coming out.
- Is this...
- This is it.
- 323.
- Okay.
I think someone's moving.
- What are you guys doing?
- Hey!
- Hi!
- Hi, what's up?
- Let's go. -There's a
party over there, too.
- Yeah.
- Where's Anastacia?
Oh, she had to make
a Booty call or something.
But, I mean, I'm still around
to hang out if you guys want.
- There's plenty of booze, so...
- Yeah, hey, you know,
I think I'll just let
you two love birds hang out
- and I'll hit the road.
- No way.
Okay, you are staying. All
right, you both are hanging out.
Okay, Jason, you sit there,
and Paul, why don't you come
with me to the bathroom
and help me make some drinks.
Okay, just take
the whole thing off, yeah.
- So much chest hair.
- Oh, okay.
- I feel bad.
- Why?
- Jason. -He's fine.
He's a big boy.
- It's okay.
- Let's make him a drink.
- Okay?
- Okay.
- Oh! Whoo-hoo!
Okay, stop.
Oh, no, you thought
we forgot about you.
Didn't you?
Here's your drink.
I think I'm just gonna sack out.
Oh, no, no, no. Will you stay
and party with us, please?
Nah, I gotta get up early and I
gotta do stuff in the morning.
Oh, yeah, early day
for the rock star, huh?
Okay, you're having
a special shot!
- A special shot.
- Mhmm.
- Okay, all right.
- Special.
- I'll just wait here for you.
- I'll make you one, don't worry.
Where's the...
Where's the shot?
I was gonna...
- Hey, Paul.
- Yup?
Wanna come and save me
from Nicole here?
Oh, tell Jason
to take his shirt off.
I'll talk to the gentleman.
I don't want to get embroiled
in a sexual harassment suit.
Oh, well, I'm not
a police officer,
so, you can both sexually
harass me, if you want to.
Um, that's...
Oh, my god, are you guys gay?
- No.
- No, no.
'Cause I have a gay brother,
so like I totally get it.
- I would not be offended.
- Oh, no, no.
- I have a lot of gay friends.
- Yeah, I have gay second cousins.
- They're awesome.
- So what am I like...
Am I not hot enough
for you guys?
- No, I don't know what you're talking about.
- Why won't you take
- your clothes off.
- No, no way.
Here, tell you what,
why don't you go get
that blender started,
all right, and um...
Maybe I'll take my shirt off.
- Okay.
- Deal?
Okay, deal.
Dude, I am so sorry.
- No, no.
I didn't do anything,
I swear to god.
- I know.
- I'll go.
No, no, no.
This is great.
You guys have
a good thing going.
I'm gonna go home
and hang out with Bryn.
- What? Hang with Bryn?
- Yeah.
Dude, you have your whole life
to work on Bryn.
Okay? This is tonight.
She's a fucking 10.
Actually, closer
to a high 7, but yeah.
- High 7's fucking great.
- It is great. It is.
Sit down, dude.
Look, this is my last hurrah,
okay, before I throw my fucking
life away and get married,
all right?
So just do this with me.
This'll be great.
Come on!
And look, do you remember
when I had to convince you
to go riding ATVs
with John Popper?
- That was awesome.
- That was great, right?
- Awesome. -And you
didn't want to do that.
Those are completely different.
Neither of us are trying
to fuck John Popper.
Okay? It's different,
and it's weird.
It's not weird. I can argue that
it's more weird if we don't do it.
Just take your
fucking pants off.
- Let's go. -All right,
all right, let's do it.
If we're gonna do this we should
establish some guidelines.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
- We wanna avoid congestion back there.
- Right. Right.
- We don't wanna crisscross. -I
know, you know what we'll do?
You stay on one side,
and then you're on the other.
You're looking at the Atlantic
theater of the world
I'm across the world
in the pacific theater.
That's good.
Great analogy.
And then we'll just let her go
back and forth to either of us.
- Worse than sharing? -And
we'll never even crisscross.
- Okay, I got margaritas for both men.
- All right!
- Where's your drink?
- Oh, I don't really drink.
- Oh.
- That's okay.
- Okay.
- Chug, chug, chug.
Whoo! All right.
So yummy.
- Wow, okay, all right. -I like
your chest hair, it's so sexy.
- Thank you. -Okay, so
I only have magnums.
That's cool, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, magnums are great.
- Magnums!
- Yeah.
- Whoo! -I use magnums
all the time.
I'm sorry to be like
such a square,
I just... I don't have sex
with strangers
- without protection
- no, why would you?
Neither do I.
Bad idea.
- Okay, darling!
- Oh, boy.
These are double XLS.
Wow, these are the biggest
that they make, I think.
Yeah, I used to date a lot
of basketball players, so...
- Oh, really.
- College or pros?
- Oh, I don't... actually I
don't really know. -Oh, no?
- Do you guys need help? -Why
don't you guys get going there?
- Oh, okay.
- -I'm gonna get the blood flowing a little.
- Okay.
- Ooh.
Whoa, what the fuck?
Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What is the... what the fuck is that? Wait!
- Shh.
What the fuck is...
What is that?
It's a selfie stick?
It takes pictures.
No, I don't think
that's a good idea.
It's not video, you pussies.
- I'm with Jason on this one.
- It's a bad idea.
Listen, you take the camera,
and you have the control.
- Jesus.
- Whoa, whoa!
- Whoo!
- No, what?
No, no, no, no, no!
Oh, no!
My condom fell off.
- We haven't even started.
- I mean, it broke.
- Oh fuck it, you guys are clean, right?
- Are you clean?
Yeah, I get tested
every Halloween.
Okay, yeah, I'm just gonna go out
and get some ice real quick.
Wait, we have ice cubes
in the bathroom.
I need crushed ice.
I'll see you guys in a sec.
- Okay.
- You stay.
- You go, Caligula!
- What are you doing?
Send me jpegs!
You're nicknamed Caligula?
Hey, could we take it like
a little slower, maybe?
Such a good pal.
The Princess!
The giant has stolen
the Princess!
Henry, do you hear
what they're yelling?
The giant has kidnapped
the Princess!
- Hey.
- Hey.
Let me take the cot.
I'm okay.
Where are your lady friends?
- Huh?
- Your lady friends?
Oh, the girls from the bar?
Yeah, the girls from the bar.
Jason's hanging out with them.
Why don't you
just take that bed?
Jason's paying for the tour.
He should have his own bed.
I'm fine.
You could just share
this one with me.
Come on.
Just no funny stuff.
And if Jason doesn't come back,
I'll just slide over.
You can spread out a little bit.
I just don't wanna create
the perception of funny stuff.
Here, I have an idea.
Why don't we put a pillow
between us?
Can't you still
get pregnant that way?
Mm-mmm, pillow method works.
Okay, good, 'cause I do not want any
more inadvertent pillow children.
I'll be so careful.
Good night.
Can I turn the TV off?
- Okay, now lower register.
- Go deeper.
- Deeper register.
- A little deeper, okay.
- Yeah.
- We'll start from there.
Go, I'm ready.
Who... who country-drops
in an evite?
That's just tacky, right?
What? How did you get the
giraffe costume on that chick?
Okay guys,
you've been a great crowd.
Thank you so much,
Virginia beach, goodnight.
- Oh, yeah. Whoo!
- Whoo whoo!
Whoo, Paul Scott!
- Ooh, way to go.
- It's a fuckin' nightmare.
Well, I thought fuck you were great, man.
You were great.
Hey, I want you
to meet these guys.
They make these
fuckin' YouTube videos...
- Yeah. What's up, man? -They're
so... they're hilarious, man.
- They're so fuckin' funny.
- Thank you. Nice set, man.
- It was great. -Yeah, it was good.
It was a tough crowd.
You gotta see...
You gotta see these vid...
Can you pull those
other ones up?
You gotta see these videos, man.
I thought it'd be fun
if they come on tour with us,
and, like, they got a thing
that's kinda cool.
- Can I talk to you for a quick second?
- Hmm? Yeah.
- Okay. One second, guys.
- Okay. Yeah.
- Ooh. All right. -Dude, I'm
fucking bombing up there. Hard.
No one's listening, including
you, and now you're telling me
you want to bring
two comics on tour with us?
I'm just... they're just...
It was an idea, I don't know.
I know, you have a lot of ideas.
A lot of bad, bad ideas.
Hey, guys. What's go...
This is so serious.
- Wait, wait, hold on, wait.
- Let me get us some drinks.
Okay. I asked you if you wanted
to headline and you said yes.
- And now I'm the bad guy? What the fuck is that?
- Come on. Come on.
What? No. We're cool.
We're cool.
- Are we cool?
- We're cool.
We're cool. Okay,
they're fu... all right.
Look. I fucked up, okay?
I'm sorry.
But this was just one show and
we have a show tomorrow night
and this doesn't even matter.
It does matter, Jason.
It matters to me, okay?
And I want you
to understand that, okay?
- I don't party in wigwams with...
Boniver. -Bon... bon Iver.
Bon Iver? Okay. I don't do that.
That's not how I roll.
I have to go up there on that stage
and find a way to make it work.
Because if I don't, I have to
crawl back into a 9-to-5 cave.
Do you understand that?
You say there's no b-plan?
Well, this? This?
This is my a-plan?
Okay. I'm sorry, okay?
You're right.
You're right. I'm gonna
make this right, okay?
Now, like, just, let's...
Starting tomorrow, okay?
- Are you bringing these guys on tour with us?
- No. No, I'm not.
- Just... just us. -Okay. Here we go.
Let's do it.
- Here we go. All right. -I'm going
back to the hotel. You guys hang out.
- Okay. All right.
- I'm gonna come with you.
All right. Yeah.
You guys... you guys go.
Fucking Jason. It's been
like that since we were kids.
You know, he like...
stumbles his way into
success, over and over and over.
Just let it out.
Okay. I'm gonna stop.
I've said my piece.
Well, in other news, I...
I lost my job.
You lost your job?
- A few days ago. -I didn't
know you had a job.
- What were you doin'?
- I was a coat check girl.
- Are you serious?
- Well, yeah. Is it that insane?
No, it's just, I don't know,
it's just so damned cute.
- It's not cute.
- It is, it's adorable.
First of all,
a very noble profession.
It's lucrative,
and someone has to do it.
Can you not tell Jason
about the... Job thing?
- Why?
- I'm embarrassed.
- You're embarrassed?
- Yeah.
It's lame, but I just want
him to take me seriously
as an artist, you know?
- Your secret's safe with me.
- Thank you.
Can we just keep it like...
Like this?
Like what?
I just... I got outta
something kind of recently
and I just...
That old Chestnut.
It doesn't matter.
Well clearly something's bothering
you so you should just say it.
Uh, yeah, I guess I just don't
understand how, like, you and Jason...
Oh, god.
What? I thought we really, like,
had a nice thing goin'.
I thought we had a nice thing
going too, when we met.
- You did?
- And you went home.
- I went home?
- Yeah.
We were supposed to walk
home together
and then you did a 180
and darted back inside.
I did not do a 180.
My friend came up to me
and said "are you gonna come
listen to me play?" I had to.
- You had to. -I thought you
were gonna come in with me.
You had to ditch me,
go back inside and fuck Jason?
Really? Really? Okay, first of all, you
were some guy that I met at a bar,
who lived in Boston. And I don't
know why I should feel bad.
I didn't think I was
gonna ever see you again.
It's not like... I'm feeling I'm
made to feel like I'm cheating
on somebody that I knew
for 10 minutes.
Also, I just felt like if you would've
been on your way back to the hotel
and you ran into some really cute girl you
would've done exactly the same thing.
Yeah, well, stuff like that doesn't
really happen to me, so...
Well I don't know why i...
Anyway, whatever.
We don't need to talk about it.
Okay, goodnight.
Hey, David. How are ya?
I'm doin' well thanks, yeah.
No, no, no, Jim and I are just
finishing up a freelance project,
- so this is a good...
- Jack.
This is a good time to chat.
Yeah. This a good time
to chat for you?
Uh-huh. So, uh, when would you
need a definitive answer from me,
uh, regarding...
Regarding the position?
So Jason, let me ask you
what brings your...
Peregrination to our
fair city of Charleston?
Actually, there's a very
special puh... person...
There's a lot of special people
um, in Charleston. They've really
supported me over my career.
And I kinda thought it would be
really great to give back
in a way where I could go
play some smaller venues
and smaller shows,
a little more intimate crowds.
So tonight we are going
to be playing a free show
uh, at the slitted skirt,
so come on down.
And as an amuse-bouche for the
aural delights of this evening,
Jason and Bryn are going to favor us
with a song, live in studio, yes?
Absolutely. And uh, and this
tall drink of water behind me,
this beautiful man,
is, uh, a stand up comic.
You might've seen him on Conan O'brien.
His name is Paul Scott.
- Good morning. -All right,
Scott, I have not seen
your comedy stylings.
I... i haven't seen you on Conan,
but, uh, why don't you favor
us with your favorite joke.
I'm a stand-up comedian, so I
usually just perform in clubs.
Well, consider us
your comedy club.
Well, yeah, but no,
it's like a context thing.
Like it, you know... there needs
to be a crowd in front of me
- and a stage and... -The way radio
works is, there is a crowd out there
and they're listening
right now, so, just imagine,
what would you say to a crowd
if you could see them?
Imagine you're seeing over a
hundred thousand WPPC listeners.
Okay. Well, have you
heard of, um, evites?
Yes, uh, evites are...
The "e" stands for "electronic"
so it's an electronic invitation,
I believe is what they call it.
- And, uh, it's something you'd
get on your email. -Yeah. Right.
So you'd think it would be a very convenient
way to invite all of your friends
in one fell swoop to a party
you might be having.
Uh, but for me, it's actually a very
public and very humiliating forum
for people to tell me
why they won't attend my party.
Like I had one friend, she
actually said, "no, plus one."
So even people that I don't know
aren't coming to my party.
Hmm. Hmm.
It's funny
'cause it's true, I suppose.
All right. Well, thank you
so much there, Scott.
And when we are back from a very
quick pledge drive announcement,
we will be live in studio
with Jason black
and Bryn Miller.
Okay, you know, this space
is a little bijou.
Um, Scott, why don't you, uh,
why don't you slide over
into studio-b, get on that mic.
Yeah. You want me
to leave the room?
Go around this way and enter.
Okay. All right.
Hey, Chris, I was wondering
if maybe we could mention
some of Paul's comedy stylings
and like, just get into that
a little bit, 'cause I think
it'd really help him out.
We may not have time
to be able to do that,
but we can certainly scribe
something on our Twitter feed.
Okay, we're gonna be
back live in...
Four... Three...
So true, so true.
Okay, we are back
on "morning assorted"
and now an exclusive WPPC
Charleston public radio delight.
Here's Jason black
and Bryn Miller.
- Ready?
- Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hey.
The sound guy wants to know how
many guitars you're gonna use.
Uh, just one, the Stickel.
And then, it has
a soundhole pickup.
- He needs to know that.
- Okay.
- The rest of the stuff is in my case.
- Okay, great.
How do I look?
Do I look good?
You look great.
You look smart, dashing.
- Professor-like?
- Professorial.
Yeah. You look great. Maybe
just tuck, uh, this stuff.
No... no necklaces?
Actually, you know what,
on you, they're better out
because they get jambled.
- Okay. How's that?
- Looks great.
- Quick finger-comb of the beard.
- Finger-comb.
- Okay. How's that?
- Good. Look great.
- That good?
- You got this.
- Phew. All right.
- Good luck.
- Hey, Becky. Hey.
- Hi.
- How's it goin'? Hi.
- Hey.
- You look fantastic.
- Jason, oh, my god.
- You look super.
- You're so sweet.
- You look so great.
- Thank you.
- Whoa.
- Yeah, right? I know.
Sports coat.
First time in... for everything.
- God, you look fantastic.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.
- I appreciate it.
- It's all right. -Well, I've
never, um, been here before.
- Really, yeah, it's...
- Yeah, it's, uh, neat.
Yeah, well, i... you know,
we can go somewhere else.
No, no. Like, I mean...
Like to a strip club, or...
A little step down or...
Oh, hi.
- Hi. Welcome to the slitted skirt.
- Hi.
My name is Kelly,
I will be your waitress tonight.
- Hi, Kelly.
- We have a couple specials.
We have a leggy lager
and a horny hefeweisen.
- Um, o you want some...
- They both sound great.
- Okay, yeah, the hef
would be great.
- The horny hef?
- The horny hef.
You got it.
Yeah, thank you.
You know, I have not been out on
a Sunday in a really long time.
Really? Why?
Yeah, well, I mean I'm out of the house
most mornings by, like, six, so...
You know what? For you
I am making an exception.
Ah, well, I'm... I'm honored.
Hey, how's your dad?
Oh, he's great. He's doin'
a lot better. Thanks.
- I'll tell him you said "hey."
He'll like that. -Yeah. Thanks.
I think the last time I saw you
it was at the Atlanta show.
No, at the show in New York.
- Yeah, you remember I flew up?
- Oh. Yeah.
The show in New York.
That was a crazy weekend.
- Look, and you're engaged.
- Yup.
- I mean, look. Wow.
- Not every girl
can just sit around
and wait for Mr. Jason black.
- You know? So.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Well, he's a lucky dude.
- Thank you.
Yeah, I guess I always
just wondered...
What it would be like
if we were together
- and we had kept...
- Here's y'all's horny hef,
and I got both of y'all a couple of
Tequila shots just for the wait.
- Oh, that's a reposado.
- Wow.
It's very smooth.
I actually just had one
in the back with the busboy.
- Great. -Can I start you
off with some wings?
Um, do you want...
Are you hungry?
- Do you wanna eat?
- No, I'm good,
but you should eat,
you're probably starved.
Uh, okay, fine. I'll get the 12 wings
with the blue cheese dressing.
- And then, um...
- How about the naughty sauce?
- The naughty sauce, thank you.
- All right, that's a good one.
That's it, yup.
Thank you.
Um, sorry, uh, yeah, I guess
I just always was wondering
what it would be like
if we had been a couple.
Are you fucking kidding?
I think about it a lot.
All the time.
I really do.
Well, if you think
about it all the time,
why did you never think
to call me, or email me?
- Fucking text me?
- I know.
Okay, that's why I wanted
to bring you out tonight.
That's what I wanted
to tell you.
I wanted to let you
know how I feel.
Oh, okay. Great. So, how do you feel?
Tell me how you feel.
Well, I feel like I'm ready to
start the next chapter of my life.
You know? I feel like
I'm ready to settle down,
and have kids,
and a house.
You... you could be the one.
You think I'm the one?
I mean, I knew that
I was one of, like, many.
Like, I'm the most special
of everyone?
If you think I'm the one,
I mean, you...
You have a really interesting
way of showing it.
Trust me, I know.
Are you saying to me
that you're ready,
that you want to be
in a monogamous relationship?
Yeah, well, I mean, I think those
are things that we can figure out.
These are things that you
should have considered
before you showed up
here tonight
and just dumped this on me.
Don't you think that there's
something that's still here?
Here you go. Naughty wings
with naughty sauce.
Great, thank you.
Thanks a lot.
- Can I get y'all something else?
- You know what,
just the check, I think,
would be good.
Okay, um, all right.
Just don't you remember
when we'd sit alone
and we'd talk about
what it would be like,
- just you and I?
- Yes.
Yeah, of course I remember that.
And, at that time, I wanted
that more than anything.
But you never stepped up,
and now I'm about
to get married.
And you love him?
Fuck you.
Fuck you, Jason.
You don't get to do this.
You don't get to just breeze
into town and carry girls off
to, like...
Rock and roll land.
Just give me a night.
Just one night.
I think that
that's the problem...
Because all you're good for
is one night.
Well, maybe Becky
is stressed out
because she's planning
a wedding.
Yeah, I know what
you're gonna say, all right?
I told you so, I know.
I wasn't gonna say that.
I was gonna say that I'm sorry.
I'm genuinely sorry.
Dudes, she is on her last song,
so you got about two
more minutes, all right?
That's great.
Thanks a lot.
Look, man, the most important
thing is you tried.
You mustered the courage
to talk to her,
to plan this whole thing out.
You know, you stepped up
to the plate.
- I respect that. -Oh, man, I was a dick.
What was I thinking?
- She's engaged. -Yeah, but you
didn't know that for sure.
- You had to find out. -Yeah,
well, I guess there's that.
So what's um... what's going
on with you and Bryn?
With Bryn?
What do you mean?
I don't know.
It's been two weeks,
I thought something
would have happened by now.
You know, just hanging out,
getting to know each other.
Well, let me know.
"Let you know"?
What is that supposed to mean?
You know, I think it would be a shame
if we both lost out on it, you know?
What the fuck are you
talking about right now?
What the fuck am I talking about?
I'm talking about Bryn.
You're talking about
a woman here.
- Do you realize that?
- Yeah, and she's great.
We're not talking
about piece of property.
Is this... is this... are we... is
this the beginning of a lecture?
Okay, I fucking know that.
I know, all right,
so don't fucking...
Don't lecture me.
Do you have any idea
what it's like
to get your sloppy seconds
to my whole fucking life?
Do you have any idea
what it's like?
Do you? Ever since
we were fucking kids,
whenever I'd show
any interest in a girl,
you would sweep in
and snatch her away
- like a vulture.
- That's bullshit.
- It's bullshit?
- Yeah.
You leave that fucking door open
because you don't do anything.
You don't do anything.
And right now with Bryn.
All right?
What the fuck are you doing?
I'm sorry it's hard
for you, Jason.
I'm sorry that I move
at a slower pace than you.
I'm sorry I can't run game on
women the way that you can, okay?
I like to get
to know women first.
I have vulnerability.
I'm sorry that frustrates you.
I'm sorry I can't
lock it down like you can.
- You have vulnerability?
- Yeah.
That's the biggest
bunch of bullshit
I've ever heard you say.
You go up there,
and you do something
from a green fucking notebook because
you can't think of anything else.
You can't be who you are.
You're desperately afraid.
You are scared out of your
fucking mind to be you.
And if you think Bryn
wants to be with that guy,
go ahead, you can have Bryn.
I can have her.
Thank you, king Jason.
I don't need your fucking
permission to sleep with Bryn.
Sorry to interrupt you guys,
but just Fyi,
I have zero interest
in sleeping with either of you.
Thank you, Charleston.
Stick around for one
of these two assholes.
That was Bryn Miller.
That was fun.
Okay, who likes comedy?
Everybody does. All right, let's
give a warm suit and skirt welcome
to comedian extraordinaire,
Paul Scott!
Have a great set.
How you guys doing?
My name is Paul Scott.
I'm a fake comedian.
I'm currently on a fake tour
with the man that you're all
patiently waiting to see tonight,
Jason black.
I'm a fake comedian,
on a fake tour that Jason set up
so that he could confess
his love to a woman
that he sees about once a year.
Oh, and she's engaged.
Did I mention that?
She's engaged to be married.
So, all you men out there
in the audience,
make sure you hold
your ladies close,
because he will try
to lure them away,
with his guitar,
and his hippie charms,
and his dirty feet.
No, yeah, we're doing okay,
You guys wanna hear
some truth, right?
- Honesty, right?
- Yeah!
Well, here's the honest truth.
It's not entirely Jason's fault.
If I was completely honest,
I'd have to say that.
Some men are born with it,
and the others,
like most of us, like me,
they aren't born with it,
and things are a struggle,
and you have to fight,
and it's messy,
and there's pain.
I had a fiancee
and recently she left me
to be with a guy named Ron.
DJ Ron, who wears a Yankees hat.
He doesn't even know the rules of
baseball, but he wears a Yankees hat.
That's the kind of guy
she's gonna marry.
- [DJ Ron.
- Audience laughs]
We didn't get to a divorce.
We didn't get that far.
A divorce would have been
A divorce implies that you
actually accomplished something.
We didn't get that far.
We had a disengagement.
We had a pre-vorce.
Doesn't sound great, does it?
Do you think frank Sinatra
broke off engagements? No.
That guy got divorced.
But it's not all bad news.
The silver lining is that I got
50% of my wedding deposit back,
so, in the future, if I ever
were to get to the altar again,
you know, maybe I could
fund half a wedding.
Maybe DJ rob could come
with just one of his turntables.
Just have half a wedding.
And you know what, that's okay.
That's fine.
That's life.
That's part of being a human.
And you're better off hearing
it from me, than from Jason,
because Jason has never known
a day of struggle in his life.
I love the guy.
He's a great guy,
but he doesn't know struggle.
And that's the truth.
And thanks for hearing it.
You guys have been
a great group of listeners.
This has been an amazing tour,
and now without any further ado,
the man of the hour,
Mr. Jason black.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thanks a lot. Thank you,
thank you, thank you.
- Love you.
- Wow.
Love you, too.
So, a few months ago
I went on a road trip
with a buddy,
and it was
an old friend of mine.
We'd known each other
since we were kids.
And he's a comedian.
He's a very funny guy.
But he was kind of down
on his luck,
kind of down on himself. Things
weren't really going that well.
- So, I asked him... -hey, sorry,
that ticket's for the VIP section.
That's all the way on the other
side of the building.
Other side?
Okay, thanks.
And he said, yeah.
So we went on tour.
And after a few weeks,
it was a total breakthrough.
- Yeah!
- A breakthrough.
And it was two friends,
well, two artists,
really travelling through the
forgotten coastal towns of America
and trying to make connections
with people
in very real,
very different ways.
And it was really special to me.
- Right on!
- He reminded me of why I do this,
reminded me of when I first
started playing music,
and there were no tour buses.
No press agents.
No fans.
But it reminded me
of what was real about it
which was the desire, the hope,
the hunger, and the freedom.
Anyway, I'd like to dedicate
this song to my buddy, Paul.
And hope you enjoy it.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- How are you?
- Nice to see you.
It's really nice to see you.
- That was amazing.
- Oh, thanks.
I'm so proud of you.
That was an awesome show.
- Thanks. I was a rock star.
- I know.
- I rock-starred hard.
- I know.
That was really, really awesome.
- Thanks for coming.
- Of course.
- Did you have fun? -I had
a blast, are you kidding?
Were your seats...
Were they good?
- They were great.
- Okay, good. Good to know.
Yeah, you should have seen
the woman's face at will call
when I picked them up,
very impressed.
Shut up.
Oh, good.
How's your new job?
- It's good.
- Yeah?
Yeah, it's good.
I can honestly say
that I don't completely
despise it.
You should word it like that
when you ask for a promotion.
Right, verbatim.
How's the tour?
- How's all this treating you?
- It's crazy.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, no, it's good.
Um, yeah, Jason,
he's been really supportive,
and, like, helpful.
Yeah, it's been good.
Great, good.
And are you two, mm-mm...
No, we're not "mm-mm" -ing,
Any other lucky guys
in the picture?
Nope, just the groupies.
But I use them for their bodies.
Well, of course.
Um, do you maybe wanna maybe
go to dinner with us?
We... it's a weird group dinner,
but you could probably come.
Uh, you know, I'm doing this
thing at the north side tonight.
So, i...
Are you guys cool?
- Me and Jason?
- Yeah.
Yeah, we're cool.
I mean, I haven't talked to him
since, you know, since...
The meltdown.
The meltdown? Is that what
you guys are calling it?
No. No, we're not...
I mean, you know him.
He keeps everything buried,
but I was wondering.
So, um, can I see you
later on tonight?
Yeah, I would love that. I mean, I
don't know our exact schedule...
- Feel it out.
- I'll feel it out.
All right, I'll text you
in a bit.
- I'll see you later.
- All right.
- Bye.
- Bye.
You cut me, you cut me,
you cut me to the core.
I need you.
Thank you.
All right, all right, that's
Steven Kadowski everybody.
And remember, guys,
when you get the light
that means you really
have to wrap it up.
We can't keep going over,
all right?
We're at number 37, Paul Scott.
Paul Scott,
another no-show?
- Nope. -Paul Scott.
All right, everyone.
Give a big round of applause
for Paul Scott, yeah.
Thanks a lot.
Thank you.
So I have this buddy,
he's a musician,
pretty famous,
we've been friends...
Since we were kids, and um...
A few months ago he asked me
if I wanted to join him
on this east coast tour.