Footrot Flats The Dogs Tale (1987) Movie Script
Well, Footrot, you're a lucky man!
Ooh, those rural ruffians!
This is not funny, Spit Murphy!
Lady driver, lady driver!
Keep still, you squirmy old sod!
Woops, sorry!
You might not notice it.
Righto! Next, please.
Same chairs are now awaiting.
Whoops!
Morning. Hmm...
Bit shy, are ya?
Oh, well, we oughta.
Whoop!
Good God!
Let me go, you...
Beauty-o.
Vidal Sasson job, mate.
Come on, Rangi!
Rattle your dags, mate.
Sometimes I wonder why I bother coming over to help this fella.
Next, please!
Smoko, dears!
Tucker time. Dogs love tucker time!
What do you think you're doing you mutty mongrel?
I should have used a serviette?
A cake fork?
Dog!
Dog!
Dog!
Come here, Dog.
I am a little tied up at the moment.
Dog! Dog!
- Comin' my dear!
- Come here this instant!
Dog! Dog! Speak up, damn it!
Oh, woof woof! Bloody woof woof woof!
Geronimo!
Hells bells!
The bloody Murhpys!
Oi, piss off!
Don't panic, Dog.
So, you're drowning in a sheep dip. Could be worse.
You could be drowning in a cess-pit.
What a pity. You were such a promising puppy.
You alright in there, little man?
Uncle Wallace has a farm. What do you think of that?
Wal Footrot then has placed the ball. The nation is on 10.
Look, he's 60m out. 65, 70, he's possibly 80m out.
Nearly a number 3 stand.
He comes in: one step...
Two, three mighty strides.
The crowd will tell you his ticket.
It's a goal! He's done it! Wal Footrot has done it!
New Zealand wins! Oh my God, my God!
Oh God, the floor is damp.
I thoroughly didn't mean to do that either.
Socks. I had socks here last week.
Two of them from memory.
Ah, yes, here.
Cripes, they'll need changing.
Oh well.
A marginal improvement.
Oh well, everything in order.
Ah, that's better.
Oh hell, Aunt Dolly!
There, there.
Let go, you ratbag. Let go...
Let go!
Good. Cat in the fridge's gotta be wrong.
Every fashionable person will be wearing this.
Owwwwww!
Shit!
G'day, Aunty.
What a nice surprise!
How nice to see you, Wallace.
Looking as immaculate as ever.
How's my little nephew keeping then?
Oh, a box of birds, Aunty.
Hmmm... This place could do with a woman's touch.
Oh, I can look after me self.
Oh, I wish I could stay here, Wallace.
But I have to get back home to Tauranga.
Oh, what a shame.
I've just come down to drop you off a little present from the cat's home.
Not a cat!
No, silly! It's the puppy your brother promised you.
Oh, yeah? Rex's pup?
What's wrong with it?
He's shy.
Aren't ya, darling?
What do you, umm, call him?
Well, I call him...
How strange...
He used to be such a good-natured little fella.
OK, come here.
Dog.
How about that, Dog? Does that suit you?
Meow!
Come on, fella!
Major, this is the new dog.
Dog, this is Major. Me up-and-coming pig dog.
Cool it, Dog, cool it.
Come on. I'll show you your kennel.
There you go. Sleep tight, little fella.
Here's the sack.
I'll be jiggered. There you go, girl.
How do you like that?
You know? I think, I'll call you Jess.
Careful, Pew! You go easy on that little fella.
Now...
You two snuggle up in there.
Breakie's at 6.
Dog!
Dog?
What's up, mate?
Umm... G'day, kid.
G'day, Wal.
Are you looking for something?
Ah... Look, I'll leave it with you, Cooch.
Man-to-man-like.
I lost me little Dog.
A ripper of a pup it was, Cooch, mate.
Muscles like steel cables.
Fangs like a row of broken bottles.
Nothing like that funny looking thing sitting on your boot?
Ah, no. Well, umm, could be.
As a matter of fact, yes.
That little sod, is trying to tear me boots to pieces, I'd say. Eh?
Down, Dog! Down, I say.
Knew he'd turn up.
Just sussing out the district, eh?
Independent. Tough.
Umm, where did you find him, mate?
In the river. The poor little bloke was drowning.
He's coming to.
You can thank Major for pulling you out.
I'd never have missed you.
He's lying!
Those bloody Murphys!
Oi, they're heading for my place!
Major, we'll need you over here, mate!
Don't worry about me, Major.
Jess can look after me.
Quiet. Keep quiet, dogs, I think I can hear something.
Crikey dick!
Geronimo!
Damn you!
Push off!
Leave my deer alone!
Come on, girls!
Beauty...
You beauty, argh!
I've been shat on by a bloody vulture!
Argh! Get us outta here!
Give us a hand!
Right-o!
Not both bloody hands!
Very funny, Murphy!
Those bloody Murhpys!
Argh!
Good try, Hunk.
You almost did it.
You almost broke my bloody neck.
Stop!
Push off, you rat bags!
Jess is not that sort of girl.
You wanna bet?
Come on, Pongo. We haven't got all day.
Alright, alright.
Don't stare, you're putting me off!
Come one, boot it harder, man.
It stings my feet.
No, no, no, no.
You never let it bounce, mate.
You've got to take it on the full.
Come on, man. Show us, Mr Footrot.
Teach me, too, Uncle Wal.
OK, yeah, I'll give you a few pointers.
OK, now watch this.
This is gonna be a high up and under.
Hey, Wal!
Will it come down with snow on it?
Ahm.. Yeah, probably.
Now pay attention. When I boot this, you get under it.
Why do boys always get to go first?
One at a time, girl.
I'm straightening out Rangi at the moment.
You're next, OK?
Once I've booted this, I'll chase after it.
But don't let me put the wind up you, OK?
OK.
Right-ee-o!
Yeah, OK.
Two hands for beginners, eh?
Come on, come on, come on!
Come on, come on, come one!
Mark!
Yeah, well.
Don't get carried away with this airy-fairy stuff.
Yup, OK, Wal.
Right, the tackle.
You've gotta go in low and hard.
I'll run it, just slowly and you tackle me.
And don't worry, I won't hurt you.
Come one! Come on!
Yeah, it's coming. It's coming.
Gee, thanks, Wal!
Hmm... You're good at footy, eh?
Hey, you might even be in the next All Black team.
Yeah, that selector fella might ask you.
Selector?
Selector? What selector?
Haven't you heard?
An All Black selector is coming to town next month.
Everybody knows about it.
Yeah, man.
And he's gonna watch the big match between Raupo and the Mill team.
An All Black, eh?
And here at Athletic Park...
It's the deciding match between US, the mighty All Blacks...
...and THEM, the English Lions.
But here they come.
The magnificent All Blacks.
Led by that superb athlete Whizzer Wal Footrot and his dog.
And here's the whistle.
The kickoff is taken by the glamorous, but slightly witty winger.
He's running.
He's strutting away like a briding fairy.
He's diving. My God, he's gonna score!
Pasty face pom pansy.
But no, brilliant!
Wal Footrot has kicked the ball out of his hands.
He's caught it himself. He's setting off at the back of the field.
This is a true New Zealand genius.
He swerves, he sidesteps, he fends.
What a run!
There's only the fullback to beat.
Oh, unfair!
The fullback is charging right at Wallie...
...and, oh, yes!
Whizzer Footrot has actually performed a perfect somersault...
...and scored in the corner.
Footrot rises and jogs modestly back.
Past the backup - whinging poms...
...to make the conversion.
He's placed the ball for the kick.
But I'm wondering, Cliff.
Did you notice, did Footrot land on his head?
He seemed to be intended to kick the ball away from the post.
I know, it's easy to criticize from up here, but...
He's running in.
He's kicked.
It's sailing up and away from the post.
But wait! It's bending!
My God!
It's been caught against the wind.
And it's veering back towards the post.
It's over! What a beauty!
What a perfect demonstration of a nascent ability to read the weather.
Superb!
But I fear now, that Footrot will be a marked man.
I don't wanna say this, Cliff.
But that looked a bit over-vigorous from the Lions.
Just a trifle physical from the dirty swine, don't you think?
However, there it is.
What do you expect from a frog referee who probably thinks a rug is a large stone.
Still, back to the game.
Looks like the Lions have scored a lucky try.
I don't want to appear one-eyed, Cliff.
But it pisses you off, doesn't it?
Well, there's just time for the conversion.
This will give them a draw.
And now say to that, they are almost as good as us...
Makes you wanna go and shoot a bloody referee, doesn't it.
But wait on!
It's Wallace Footrot!
He's back!
Brave lad!
That'll show them the sort of stuff we're made off. My word!
But I fear it's too late.
What can even a whizzer do with just time for the kick to be taken.
And in comes the boringly consistent pom kicker to convert the try.
He kicks.
It's straight, of course. The pale little pom poofter.
But, wait.
Unbelievable!
What a save!
Wallace Footrot has swung up on the cross-bar and kicked the ball away!
It's a charge down and we're still the world champions!
And the hero of the day: Whizzer Wal Footrot!
An All Blacks selector...
What do you reckon, Dog?
Should I give it a go?
I'll start training immediately.
Starting tomorrow...
Cripes, be like kinda licking a watermelon into shape.
Man needs a good breakfast to train on.
Hmm.
Into it.
And away we go!
Hells bells.
He's old enough to know that all you go to bed with the night before a game is, is a cup of warm cocoa.
Is this "Whizzer Wal Footrot", the panther of the footy paddock?
All you should be wearing is a dedicated smell, mate!
Ye, gods!
Sex scent?
Ooh, that smarts.
Don't go into town, Wal.
Raupo's Sodom and Gomorrha on Friday nights.
Ah. Tonight's the night, Cheeky.
The fool.
He's gonna see that blonde, tantrous Cheeky Hobson.
What a dork!
How can you do this to me, Wal.
Tonight of all nights.
You get a guy to pick fitness...
And he allows himself to be destroyed by the pleasures of the flesh.
Wallie, don't go!
You coming, Dog?
G'day, Wal.
You ready for the big match, mate?
No worries, mate.
'Evening, ladies.
Ah, g'day, Cheeky.
I, uhm..
Gives us five minutes, Wallie.
OK, Cheeky.
I've got just the place lined up for tonight.
I'll book us a table and then after that the night is young.
How about the pictures?
Oh, Wallace.
You mad, rash boy.
Here's looking at you, kid.
Takes us back to the dear old kitchen, Wal.
A nice cuppa tea and a gingernut to dunk.
Shouldn't you oughta be in bed?
Wallie, come home!
Dim lights. The best feed in town.
Oh, Wal. You devil.
Come home, or I'll break your leg!
Get out of it, Dog. Get out of it.
Leave a man alone.
Sorry about that, Cheeky.
Alas, poor Wallace.
I knew him well.
Oh, Wal, you shouldn't have.
I haven't.
Best kai on the coast.
Forget the expense, Cheeky, you can have chips with everything tonight.
Ah, gaston!
The young lady and meself wish to partake of a decent feed before going to the flicks.
What does the chef recommend, ce soir?
"Mr Pawai" to you Footrot and none of your cheek, mate.
Now, oysters and steak and sausages are off.
Baked beans, eggs, chips and savs.
There you are. Take your choice.
The lot, eh, Cheeky? What do you reckon?
Yeah, we'll have the lot. And don't spare the bread and butter.
Oh, and two teas.
Durk's teas. Yes, I understand it was a very good year in Salaam.
I can see him now ballsing up all our training in some seedy den of vice.
What foul schemes lurk in that woman's tortured mind.
Excuse me, my Dear.
Nature caller.
I've gotta dash into the dunny for a quick slash.
Is that the one?
Ja.
Have you got ze poison.
Right here, man-friend.
Of course, poison!
This looks like a risk job for the gray ghost.
Voila, voila.
Here's your tucker. Bon appetite, you fellas.
Great stuff.
In you go, Cheeky.
Can't wait...
Don't use sugar, Wallie, makes you fat.
Have some of my saccharine tablets.
Oh, come on, Cheeky.
I'm a growing lad.
I need the real thing to keep me energy up.
The old poison-in-the-cup-of-tea trick.
You can thank your lucky stars, Wallace Footrot...
...that the gray ghost wasn't taken in by this brazen hussy.
Very funny.
Of course, the old pills-in-the-baked-beans roost.
Can this be it?
Nope.
Not that one either.
Where are you little pills?
Come here, little pills.
I'm coming to get you, little pills.
Damn you, little pills.
Oh...
You are not poison, are you, little pills.
You want any pud, or what?
Pudding then, Cheeky?
Wallace Footrot!
I don't ever want to see you again.
Never, ever.
What about the footy tomorrow?
Just the one dessert then, is it, ah, Wal?
Come on.
You can sit here and dream up lots more brilliant ways of ruining me life.
I tried to save his career and this is what I get:
Guard the walnuts.
You think you can break my spirit, do you, Wal Footrot?
Well, you're not dealing with rubbish here, mate!
The blood of the gray ghost flows in these veins.
I got one thing to say to you, Wal Footrot.
I'm sorry.
Who is there?
Don't answer that!
Ye, gods!
Me old ancestors were wolves, you know.
Killers.
Moose slayers.
Rat lovers?
Rats?
Meet Horse.
The gray ghost does not surrender.
The gray ghost does not retreat.
The gray ghost...
...does not want to catch his death of cold.
Time for a hottie and a cup of cocoa.
What are you gonna do for a face, Hunk?
When the monkey wants its bum back?
Yes, Spit. What am I gonna?
Perfect.
Oh rain, you beauty.
Let's hear your thunder!
Oh, tonight's the night, alright!
- Push your face in!
- You gollies. Push now a fly's fat.
What did you do that for?
Hey, Spit, I can't eat this now.
I got no flaming sugar.
Cut it out!
We've got work to do.
- Now?
- Yep.
We're going after Cooch Windgrass's stag.
But it's dark outside.
Yes, it often is at night.
It's a bit stormy.
Ah, shut up. Of course, it's bloody stormy. That's the bloody point.
Windgrass won't see or hear a bloody thing, will he? Not in this weather.
And when Windgrass wakes up tomorrow, we'll have his prime stag.
Gee, dad. I've never been to a stag party.
No, son. That's because you're nearly all behind.
Better get some tucker in for the old dears.
Come on, dear.
Here's your tucker.
Where are you, old fella?
Where's my stag?
You and the Dog go and get those stragglers.
Hey, Wal.
You reckon the game's gonna be still on?
With the selector in town? Too right!
I'm gonna move the bull to higher ground.
This is what dogs do best!
I see, a challenge.
Very well.
The Iron Paw accepts.
You slime, you've dented the Iron Paw.
Come on, Dog. Let's move these sheep.
Over at the Murphy's.
Hey! That's Jess's box.
Wal!
Hang on a minute, Rangi. I'm up to me ears in it, mate.
Murphys must have Jess!
That's it!
Oh, dear.
The big game.
Hells bells, I gotta get home and get my gear ready.
Wait for us, Wal!
Wal, wait for us!
Can't dawdle, old mate.
Wal, it's Jess.
Something's happened to Jess.
Listen, kid, I have a date with destiny.
She might have got hurt.
A powerful surge up the middle.
A mighty fend.
A gazelle-like sidestep.
She might have died.
An All Black jersey with my number on awaits me.
To you, mate!
Come on, Dog.
You and me better and go find Jess ourselves, eh?
Crikey!
Don't like the look of this.
We're gonna have to cross here, Dog.
There's no other way.
Shift your ass, Dog. She's gonna go!
Stay where you are, Dog.
Sit!
I'm gonna get help from Wal!
Don't be a sissy.
Jump!
Oh, and watch out for the Murphys.
Hells bells!
Why does being a hero have to be so scary?
I never thought I'd be sorry to see the old bitch's box smashed.
Good news and bad news, Jess!
Good news: help is coming.
Bad news:
It's me...
You gotta get tarted up, if you hope to represent your country.
The Dog, Wal!
Don't want the sods from overseas to think we're a bunch of cockies from the snicks, eh?
The Murhpys!
Careful! Mind me crease.
Look, Rang, I can't go now.
Kick-off's at three. This is me big chance.
Cooch's at home, he'll see to the dogs.
Now rattle your dags, if you're coming.
Geez, what's keeping Pongo...
Hurry up, Uncle Wal, you'll be late!
Slow down, Hunk!
Wait for Spit.
Oi, watch where you going, you lunatic!
My boy's got a big match on today.
Get back on your bike, you pansy.
Hollywood, Hollywood!
You're lucky we're in a hurry, Windgrass.
Or I'd get out and thump ya.
Hear, you wouldn't have seen my stag by any chance, would you Murphy?
Oh piss off!
Is that a 'yes' or a 'no'?
That's a form of recommendation.
G'day, Wal!
- What's up?
- Nothing.
Oh, yeah?
You look like your girlfriend just dumped you.
Shut your mouth, Pongo. I gotta think.
Gotta get Wal to the Murphys.
Good God!
Phew!
For a moment there I thought I might have to hurt them!
G'day!
Would you be the, ah, selector then?
Ah, you'll see some champagne rugby today, sir.
Well, from our side anyway!
It's real talent you're after, sir.
You can't go past Spit Murphy.
No doubt you've heard all about it.
Yeah, for Raupo!
Leave it to Lenny. Leave it to Lenny, Raupo.
Give it to Lenny, Raupo, leave it to...!
Good on ya, Spit. Go for it!
Oh, did you see that?
Did ya see that score?!
Good on ya, Spit!
Did ya see that?
An All Black if ever I saw one.
Go on, write it down in your book:
Spit Murphy. S-P-I-T.
- Go, Wallace!
- Kick Footrot in the goolies!
Kick the ref in the goolies.
Kick everybody in the goolies.
Oh, it's so physical!
Hello, sweetheart. How are you?
Oh God, I punched myself.
Next time you punch yourself, son, I have no option but to send you off.
Come on, Raupo!
Get stuck in!
You play like a bunch of silly girls!
You play like a bunch of silly boys!
Catch her, Adrian! Catch her, boy! Catch her, Adrian!
Oh Adrian, it's going out. Adrian! Chase it, chase it!
Adrian! Adrian! Adrian, chuck her in! Adrian! Hey!
Is he alright?
Oh, yeah!
Everything seems to be there.
Rough play, can't have that.
I'll take it.
- Somebody kill anybody!
- You'll never make it, Footrot!
It sounds like Jess!
Geez, what are ya?
You're playing with the wind and only three points up against that pack of pansies.
You should be murdering the sods!
I wanna see some effort this half.
I wanna see some sweat!
I wanna see some blood! I wanna see some guts! Is that clear?!
And do Footrot. He's getting on my nerves.
Cause you're not...
you're not...
you're not fit!
How do you expect to play this game?
Cause you're fit!
Gotta keep yourself in condition.
Hah, gives us a drink, will ya?
OK!
OK, Raupo!
Let's go!
Come on, Raupo!
Time's running out!
I gotta get Wal to the Murphy's. Think, boy, think!
Come on, Bill. Come on, Bill.
Wake up, Lenny.
We don't have any reserves, Lenny!
Cripes, what are we gonna do now?
Give Rangi a go.
He's great, man!
Ah, shut up!
I gotta get him to go after Jess.
He's just the bloke you need, Uncle Wal, honest.
Why don't you play the whole Raupo primary school, Footrot?
Will you have a go, Rangi?
Nah!
Hang on!
Yeah, choice, Wal!
There's a spare jersey on the back of the truck.
Oh, hello, Cheeky!
Hello, Wallace!
Ok, don't try anything fancy, just stay out of trouble.
I'll cover for you. So when the ball comes your way, just pass it to me.
Good luck, kid.
OK, she's right, bro.
Just get the ball. He'll have to follow me.
He places the ball.
He steps back from the ball.
Balanced perfectly.
He moves in.
How embarrassing!
Blow with the wind, blow with the wind, I'll get it, Rangi!
Alright, play the back.
Play the back.
Get stuck in, Rangi!
Righty-o pass.
Oh, dear.
Throw it now, Rangi!
Pass it to me, mate!
Raupo! Raupo! Raupo! Raupo! Yeah!
Here, quick, give us the ball.
There's still time for me to take a conversion and impress the selector.
Nah!
Gotta have to catch me first!
Oi, Rang!
Quit stalling, Footrot!
If you want the ball back, you're gonna have to take me to the Murphys!
Oh, come on, Rangi!
What about me kick?
Me last chance to impress the selector.
Last one is a dirty rat!
Disgraceful match!
Absolutely disgraceful!
What happened, you bonker?
Where did that kid go?
Funny...
Said he was heading for our place.
Come on!
That little sod must know something about the stag!
Uncle Wal, quick!
The Murphys have got Cooch's stag!
Right! Come on, we'll head them off in the truck!
Start, you mongrel, start!
Come on, Hunk!
Put your foot down, we gotta beat that kid to the farm.
No worries.
Beat him easily.
I can see him behind us.
Behind us?
He's on the back, you...
Bugger off, you little larrikin.
Vernon the Vermin
Fangs for being here my little doggie
Welcome to dinner with me and my cronies
I got every disease known to rodent
Fangs like these make me the most potent
I'm gonna give you a blood transfusion
Catch my name so there's no confusion
Vernon the Vermin - your venomy enemy
Cancer to gangrene and the big black plague
So say goodbye to...
Vernon the Vermin - get my name
Boy, are they gonna get it for that.
Just a little trick I learned from batman.
Vernon the Vermin - did you get my name
Infected - infected with an epidemic flame
Vernon the Vermin - Le Fang Fatale
A violent virus - Le Rat Royale
And I've got you... Yeah I've got you
What the bloody hell's going on here?
You check the stag shack, I'll take care of the saw mill.
Why heavens, if I can't have the stag, I'll have venison.
Where's me gun?
This will do!
Eat that, you monsters!
Look, Horse, there's a perfectly simple explanation for all this.
There, you little hooligan.
I gotcha!
Let me outta here, you big, fat plonker.
That must be Rangi!
You see to him, I go after Murphy. He's heading for he river!
...my big white hunky friend! Go let me outta here! I'm gonna eat you for dinner!
Let me outta here, you...
I'm coming, daddy!
Yep, up and away, baby!
Geronimo!
Yeehaw!
Go for it, Rangi!
Got you, Murphy!
Here, doggie, doggie.
Dog, dog.
Here, you blasted doggie, dog, dog.
Damn it! Blast! I lost them.
You'll do, you.
Cripes, it's Horse!
They must have hit him with a ballistic missile!
1, 2, oopsie-doopie-do.
Thank God, you're here, Footrot!
Did you see it?
Did you see it? Geez, it was ugly.
If there is a bird behind me, Murphy, it'll probably bite me on the freckle.
Cripes, croco-pigs.
I have a plan!
Surrender?
Ah, shucks. T'weren't nothing.
By heavens, you shall not prevail. Put up your duke, sir.
A gentleman, sir,...
...does not eat his opponent!
HELP!
Look...
Can't we...
Get around...
The table...
And talk...
This out?
Like civilized...
Human...
Beings!
Like dogs?
Like... pigs?
Goodness, gracious me!
Dear, oh, dear!
Dear, oh, dear!
Now, there we are.
Oh, it's nothing.
Just a mere gash to the bone.
Keep your eyes peeled. They must be there somewhere.
What if they've already gone past?
Into the sea?
Course they haven't, dummy!
Have they, Wal?
No show!
Let's keep looking!
- There they are!
- Yeah, yeah, it's them!
Yeah, you're right!
There they are, Rangi!
Get up here and gives us your feet! Quick!
Now!
Don't drop him, Uncle Wal!
Right, right, right, left!
You haven't got him down far enough, Uncle Wal!
Lower! Still can't reach!
Grab one this side. We'll do for the rest on the other.
- Get ready, Dog!
- Jump up to his hands!
- I've got her! I've got her, you guys.
- Oh, Jess!
Quick, on the other side!
- Jump!
- Grab me, Dog, grab the... Aargh! I missed them!
You missed them...
He's gonna drown!
You did your best, Rangi.
Really!
You did.
Come on, we might as well try down the beach.
Come on, kids, we better shove off.
The place won't be the same without old Horse and the Dog.
Damn sand, always gets in your eyes...
Yep, and up your nose.
Come on, girl. Jessie.
Jessie, in the truck. Come on.
Come on.
Come on...
Fine then.
I'll let her stay for a while and I'll come back and get her later.
Hey, Wal! Wal! Stop it! Stop the truck!
Jess's seen something!
What?
Come on, Uncle Wal!
Is it them?
Oh, no!
Give us me binocular.
What do you reckon, Cooch? A raft?
Could be.
Quite far out.
I think it is!
- Is it?
- Ah... Yeah!
Is it them?
Of course, it's them!
Yeah, yeah! It's them, alright.
Look... Look at Dog hanging in. Wow!
They're alright!
- So far...
- Good on you, Dog!
Ahh... Yeah... G'day!
Meow!
No, no, no, Major.
Not "meow", "woof, woof".
Ooh, those rural ruffians!
This is not funny, Spit Murphy!
Lady driver, lady driver!
Keep still, you squirmy old sod!
Woops, sorry!
You might not notice it.
Righto! Next, please.
Same chairs are now awaiting.
Whoops!
Morning. Hmm...
Bit shy, are ya?
Oh, well, we oughta.
Whoop!
Good God!
Let me go, you...
Beauty-o.
Vidal Sasson job, mate.
Come on, Rangi!
Rattle your dags, mate.
Sometimes I wonder why I bother coming over to help this fella.
Next, please!
Smoko, dears!
Tucker time. Dogs love tucker time!
What do you think you're doing you mutty mongrel?
I should have used a serviette?
A cake fork?
Dog!
Dog!
Dog!
Come here, Dog.
I am a little tied up at the moment.
Dog! Dog!
- Comin' my dear!
- Come here this instant!
Dog! Dog! Speak up, damn it!
Oh, woof woof! Bloody woof woof woof!
Geronimo!
Hells bells!
The bloody Murhpys!
Oi, piss off!
Don't panic, Dog.
So, you're drowning in a sheep dip. Could be worse.
You could be drowning in a cess-pit.
What a pity. You were such a promising puppy.
You alright in there, little man?
Uncle Wallace has a farm. What do you think of that?
Wal Footrot then has placed the ball. The nation is on 10.
Look, he's 60m out. 65, 70, he's possibly 80m out.
Nearly a number 3 stand.
He comes in: one step...
Two, three mighty strides.
The crowd will tell you his ticket.
It's a goal! He's done it! Wal Footrot has done it!
New Zealand wins! Oh my God, my God!
Oh God, the floor is damp.
I thoroughly didn't mean to do that either.
Socks. I had socks here last week.
Two of them from memory.
Ah, yes, here.
Cripes, they'll need changing.
Oh well.
A marginal improvement.
Oh well, everything in order.
Ah, that's better.
Oh hell, Aunt Dolly!
There, there.
Let go, you ratbag. Let go...
Let go!
Good. Cat in the fridge's gotta be wrong.
Every fashionable person will be wearing this.
Owwwwww!
Shit!
G'day, Aunty.
What a nice surprise!
How nice to see you, Wallace.
Looking as immaculate as ever.
How's my little nephew keeping then?
Oh, a box of birds, Aunty.
Hmmm... This place could do with a woman's touch.
Oh, I can look after me self.
Oh, I wish I could stay here, Wallace.
But I have to get back home to Tauranga.
Oh, what a shame.
I've just come down to drop you off a little present from the cat's home.
Not a cat!
No, silly! It's the puppy your brother promised you.
Oh, yeah? Rex's pup?
What's wrong with it?
He's shy.
Aren't ya, darling?
What do you, umm, call him?
Well, I call him...
How strange...
He used to be such a good-natured little fella.
OK, come here.
Dog.
How about that, Dog? Does that suit you?
Meow!
Come on, fella!
Major, this is the new dog.
Dog, this is Major. Me up-and-coming pig dog.
Cool it, Dog, cool it.
Come on. I'll show you your kennel.
There you go. Sleep tight, little fella.
Here's the sack.
I'll be jiggered. There you go, girl.
How do you like that?
You know? I think, I'll call you Jess.
Careful, Pew! You go easy on that little fella.
Now...
You two snuggle up in there.
Breakie's at 6.
Dog!
Dog?
What's up, mate?
Umm... G'day, kid.
G'day, Wal.
Are you looking for something?
Ah... Look, I'll leave it with you, Cooch.
Man-to-man-like.
I lost me little Dog.
A ripper of a pup it was, Cooch, mate.
Muscles like steel cables.
Fangs like a row of broken bottles.
Nothing like that funny looking thing sitting on your boot?
Ah, no. Well, umm, could be.
As a matter of fact, yes.
That little sod, is trying to tear me boots to pieces, I'd say. Eh?
Down, Dog! Down, I say.
Knew he'd turn up.
Just sussing out the district, eh?
Independent. Tough.
Umm, where did you find him, mate?
In the river. The poor little bloke was drowning.
He's coming to.
You can thank Major for pulling you out.
I'd never have missed you.
He's lying!
Those bloody Murphys!
Oi, they're heading for my place!
Major, we'll need you over here, mate!
Don't worry about me, Major.
Jess can look after me.
Quiet. Keep quiet, dogs, I think I can hear something.
Crikey dick!
Geronimo!
Damn you!
Push off!
Leave my deer alone!
Come on, girls!
Beauty...
You beauty, argh!
I've been shat on by a bloody vulture!
Argh! Get us outta here!
Give us a hand!
Right-o!
Not both bloody hands!
Very funny, Murphy!
Those bloody Murhpys!
Argh!
Good try, Hunk.
You almost did it.
You almost broke my bloody neck.
Stop!
Push off, you rat bags!
Jess is not that sort of girl.
You wanna bet?
Come on, Pongo. We haven't got all day.
Alright, alright.
Don't stare, you're putting me off!
Come one, boot it harder, man.
It stings my feet.
No, no, no, no.
You never let it bounce, mate.
You've got to take it on the full.
Come on, man. Show us, Mr Footrot.
Teach me, too, Uncle Wal.
OK, yeah, I'll give you a few pointers.
OK, now watch this.
This is gonna be a high up and under.
Hey, Wal!
Will it come down with snow on it?
Ahm.. Yeah, probably.
Now pay attention. When I boot this, you get under it.
Why do boys always get to go first?
One at a time, girl.
I'm straightening out Rangi at the moment.
You're next, OK?
Once I've booted this, I'll chase after it.
But don't let me put the wind up you, OK?
OK.
Right-ee-o!
Yeah, OK.
Two hands for beginners, eh?
Come on, come on, come on!
Come on, come on, come one!
Mark!
Yeah, well.
Don't get carried away with this airy-fairy stuff.
Yup, OK, Wal.
Right, the tackle.
You've gotta go in low and hard.
I'll run it, just slowly and you tackle me.
And don't worry, I won't hurt you.
Come one! Come on!
Yeah, it's coming. It's coming.
Gee, thanks, Wal!
Hmm... You're good at footy, eh?
Hey, you might even be in the next All Black team.
Yeah, that selector fella might ask you.
Selector?
Selector? What selector?
Haven't you heard?
An All Black selector is coming to town next month.
Everybody knows about it.
Yeah, man.
And he's gonna watch the big match between Raupo and the Mill team.
An All Black, eh?
And here at Athletic Park...
It's the deciding match between US, the mighty All Blacks...
...and THEM, the English Lions.
But here they come.
The magnificent All Blacks.
Led by that superb athlete Whizzer Wal Footrot and his dog.
And here's the whistle.
The kickoff is taken by the glamorous, but slightly witty winger.
He's running.
He's strutting away like a briding fairy.
He's diving. My God, he's gonna score!
Pasty face pom pansy.
But no, brilliant!
Wal Footrot has kicked the ball out of his hands.
He's caught it himself. He's setting off at the back of the field.
This is a true New Zealand genius.
He swerves, he sidesteps, he fends.
What a run!
There's only the fullback to beat.
Oh, unfair!
The fullback is charging right at Wallie...
...and, oh, yes!
Whizzer Footrot has actually performed a perfect somersault...
...and scored in the corner.
Footrot rises and jogs modestly back.
Past the backup - whinging poms...
...to make the conversion.
He's placed the ball for the kick.
But I'm wondering, Cliff.
Did you notice, did Footrot land on his head?
He seemed to be intended to kick the ball away from the post.
I know, it's easy to criticize from up here, but...
He's running in.
He's kicked.
It's sailing up and away from the post.
But wait! It's bending!
My God!
It's been caught against the wind.
And it's veering back towards the post.
It's over! What a beauty!
What a perfect demonstration of a nascent ability to read the weather.
Superb!
But I fear now, that Footrot will be a marked man.
I don't wanna say this, Cliff.
But that looked a bit over-vigorous from the Lions.
Just a trifle physical from the dirty swine, don't you think?
However, there it is.
What do you expect from a frog referee who probably thinks a rug is a large stone.
Still, back to the game.
Looks like the Lions have scored a lucky try.
I don't want to appear one-eyed, Cliff.
But it pisses you off, doesn't it?
Well, there's just time for the conversion.
This will give them a draw.
And now say to that, they are almost as good as us...
Makes you wanna go and shoot a bloody referee, doesn't it.
But wait on!
It's Wallace Footrot!
He's back!
Brave lad!
That'll show them the sort of stuff we're made off. My word!
But I fear it's too late.
What can even a whizzer do with just time for the kick to be taken.
And in comes the boringly consistent pom kicker to convert the try.
He kicks.
It's straight, of course. The pale little pom poofter.
But, wait.
Unbelievable!
What a save!
Wallace Footrot has swung up on the cross-bar and kicked the ball away!
It's a charge down and we're still the world champions!
And the hero of the day: Whizzer Wal Footrot!
An All Blacks selector...
What do you reckon, Dog?
Should I give it a go?
I'll start training immediately.
Starting tomorrow...
Cripes, be like kinda licking a watermelon into shape.
Man needs a good breakfast to train on.
Hmm.
Into it.
And away we go!
Hells bells.
He's old enough to know that all you go to bed with the night before a game is, is a cup of warm cocoa.
Is this "Whizzer Wal Footrot", the panther of the footy paddock?
All you should be wearing is a dedicated smell, mate!
Ye, gods!
Sex scent?
Ooh, that smarts.
Don't go into town, Wal.
Raupo's Sodom and Gomorrha on Friday nights.
Ah. Tonight's the night, Cheeky.
The fool.
He's gonna see that blonde, tantrous Cheeky Hobson.
What a dork!
How can you do this to me, Wal.
Tonight of all nights.
You get a guy to pick fitness...
And he allows himself to be destroyed by the pleasures of the flesh.
Wallie, don't go!
You coming, Dog?
G'day, Wal.
You ready for the big match, mate?
No worries, mate.
'Evening, ladies.
Ah, g'day, Cheeky.
I, uhm..
Gives us five minutes, Wallie.
OK, Cheeky.
I've got just the place lined up for tonight.
I'll book us a table and then after that the night is young.
How about the pictures?
Oh, Wallace.
You mad, rash boy.
Here's looking at you, kid.
Takes us back to the dear old kitchen, Wal.
A nice cuppa tea and a gingernut to dunk.
Shouldn't you oughta be in bed?
Wallie, come home!
Dim lights. The best feed in town.
Oh, Wal. You devil.
Come home, or I'll break your leg!
Get out of it, Dog. Get out of it.
Leave a man alone.
Sorry about that, Cheeky.
Alas, poor Wallace.
I knew him well.
Oh, Wal, you shouldn't have.
I haven't.
Best kai on the coast.
Forget the expense, Cheeky, you can have chips with everything tonight.
Ah, gaston!
The young lady and meself wish to partake of a decent feed before going to the flicks.
What does the chef recommend, ce soir?
"Mr Pawai" to you Footrot and none of your cheek, mate.
Now, oysters and steak and sausages are off.
Baked beans, eggs, chips and savs.
There you are. Take your choice.
The lot, eh, Cheeky? What do you reckon?
Yeah, we'll have the lot. And don't spare the bread and butter.
Oh, and two teas.
Durk's teas. Yes, I understand it was a very good year in Salaam.
I can see him now ballsing up all our training in some seedy den of vice.
What foul schemes lurk in that woman's tortured mind.
Excuse me, my Dear.
Nature caller.
I've gotta dash into the dunny for a quick slash.
Is that the one?
Ja.
Have you got ze poison.
Right here, man-friend.
Of course, poison!
This looks like a risk job for the gray ghost.
Voila, voila.
Here's your tucker. Bon appetite, you fellas.
Great stuff.
In you go, Cheeky.
Can't wait...
Don't use sugar, Wallie, makes you fat.
Have some of my saccharine tablets.
Oh, come on, Cheeky.
I'm a growing lad.
I need the real thing to keep me energy up.
The old poison-in-the-cup-of-tea trick.
You can thank your lucky stars, Wallace Footrot...
...that the gray ghost wasn't taken in by this brazen hussy.
Very funny.
Of course, the old pills-in-the-baked-beans roost.
Can this be it?
Nope.
Not that one either.
Where are you little pills?
Come here, little pills.
I'm coming to get you, little pills.
Damn you, little pills.
Oh...
You are not poison, are you, little pills.
You want any pud, or what?
Pudding then, Cheeky?
Wallace Footrot!
I don't ever want to see you again.
Never, ever.
What about the footy tomorrow?
Just the one dessert then, is it, ah, Wal?
Come on.
You can sit here and dream up lots more brilliant ways of ruining me life.
I tried to save his career and this is what I get:
Guard the walnuts.
You think you can break my spirit, do you, Wal Footrot?
Well, you're not dealing with rubbish here, mate!
The blood of the gray ghost flows in these veins.
I got one thing to say to you, Wal Footrot.
I'm sorry.
Who is there?
Don't answer that!
Ye, gods!
Me old ancestors were wolves, you know.
Killers.
Moose slayers.
Rat lovers?
Rats?
Meet Horse.
The gray ghost does not surrender.
The gray ghost does not retreat.
The gray ghost...
...does not want to catch his death of cold.
Time for a hottie and a cup of cocoa.
What are you gonna do for a face, Hunk?
When the monkey wants its bum back?
Yes, Spit. What am I gonna?
Perfect.
Oh rain, you beauty.
Let's hear your thunder!
Oh, tonight's the night, alright!
- Push your face in!
- You gollies. Push now a fly's fat.
What did you do that for?
Hey, Spit, I can't eat this now.
I got no flaming sugar.
Cut it out!
We've got work to do.
- Now?
- Yep.
We're going after Cooch Windgrass's stag.
But it's dark outside.
Yes, it often is at night.
It's a bit stormy.
Ah, shut up. Of course, it's bloody stormy. That's the bloody point.
Windgrass won't see or hear a bloody thing, will he? Not in this weather.
And when Windgrass wakes up tomorrow, we'll have his prime stag.
Gee, dad. I've never been to a stag party.
No, son. That's because you're nearly all behind.
Better get some tucker in for the old dears.
Come on, dear.
Here's your tucker.
Where are you, old fella?
Where's my stag?
You and the Dog go and get those stragglers.
Hey, Wal.
You reckon the game's gonna be still on?
With the selector in town? Too right!
I'm gonna move the bull to higher ground.
This is what dogs do best!
I see, a challenge.
Very well.
The Iron Paw accepts.
You slime, you've dented the Iron Paw.
Come on, Dog. Let's move these sheep.
Over at the Murphy's.
Hey! That's Jess's box.
Wal!
Hang on a minute, Rangi. I'm up to me ears in it, mate.
Murphys must have Jess!
That's it!
Oh, dear.
The big game.
Hells bells, I gotta get home and get my gear ready.
Wait for us, Wal!
Wal, wait for us!
Can't dawdle, old mate.
Wal, it's Jess.
Something's happened to Jess.
Listen, kid, I have a date with destiny.
She might have got hurt.
A powerful surge up the middle.
A mighty fend.
A gazelle-like sidestep.
She might have died.
An All Black jersey with my number on awaits me.
To you, mate!
Come on, Dog.
You and me better and go find Jess ourselves, eh?
Crikey!
Don't like the look of this.
We're gonna have to cross here, Dog.
There's no other way.
Shift your ass, Dog. She's gonna go!
Stay where you are, Dog.
Sit!
I'm gonna get help from Wal!
Don't be a sissy.
Jump!
Oh, and watch out for the Murphys.
Hells bells!
Why does being a hero have to be so scary?
I never thought I'd be sorry to see the old bitch's box smashed.
Good news and bad news, Jess!
Good news: help is coming.
Bad news:
It's me...
You gotta get tarted up, if you hope to represent your country.
The Dog, Wal!
Don't want the sods from overseas to think we're a bunch of cockies from the snicks, eh?
The Murhpys!
Careful! Mind me crease.
Look, Rang, I can't go now.
Kick-off's at three. This is me big chance.
Cooch's at home, he'll see to the dogs.
Now rattle your dags, if you're coming.
Geez, what's keeping Pongo...
Hurry up, Uncle Wal, you'll be late!
Slow down, Hunk!
Wait for Spit.
Oi, watch where you going, you lunatic!
My boy's got a big match on today.
Get back on your bike, you pansy.
Hollywood, Hollywood!
You're lucky we're in a hurry, Windgrass.
Or I'd get out and thump ya.
Hear, you wouldn't have seen my stag by any chance, would you Murphy?
Oh piss off!
Is that a 'yes' or a 'no'?
That's a form of recommendation.
G'day, Wal!
- What's up?
- Nothing.
Oh, yeah?
You look like your girlfriend just dumped you.
Shut your mouth, Pongo. I gotta think.
Gotta get Wal to the Murphys.
Good God!
Phew!
For a moment there I thought I might have to hurt them!
G'day!
Would you be the, ah, selector then?
Ah, you'll see some champagne rugby today, sir.
Well, from our side anyway!
It's real talent you're after, sir.
You can't go past Spit Murphy.
No doubt you've heard all about it.
Yeah, for Raupo!
Leave it to Lenny. Leave it to Lenny, Raupo.
Give it to Lenny, Raupo, leave it to...!
Good on ya, Spit. Go for it!
Oh, did you see that?
Did ya see that score?!
Good on ya, Spit!
Did ya see that?
An All Black if ever I saw one.
Go on, write it down in your book:
Spit Murphy. S-P-I-T.
- Go, Wallace!
- Kick Footrot in the goolies!
Kick the ref in the goolies.
Kick everybody in the goolies.
Oh, it's so physical!
Hello, sweetheart. How are you?
Oh God, I punched myself.
Next time you punch yourself, son, I have no option but to send you off.
Come on, Raupo!
Get stuck in!
You play like a bunch of silly girls!
You play like a bunch of silly boys!
Catch her, Adrian! Catch her, boy! Catch her, Adrian!
Oh Adrian, it's going out. Adrian! Chase it, chase it!
Adrian! Adrian! Adrian, chuck her in! Adrian! Hey!
Is he alright?
Oh, yeah!
Everything seems to be there.
Rough play, can't have that.
I'll take it.
- Somebody kill anybody!
- You'll never make it, Footrot!
It sounds like Jess!
Geez, what are ya?
You're playing with the wind and only three points up against that pack of pansies.
You should be murdering the sods!
I wanna see some effort this half.
I wanna see some sweat!
I wanna see some blood! I wanna see some guts! Is that clear?!
And do Footrot. He's getting on my nerves.
Cause you're not...
you're not...
you're not fit!
How do you expect to play this game?
Cause you're fit!
Gotta keep yourself in condition.
Hah, gives us a drink, will ya?
OK!
OK, Raupo!
Let's go!
Come on, Raupo!
Time's running out!
I gotta get Wal to the Murphy's. Think, boy, think!
Come on, Bill. Come on, Bill.
Wake up, Lenny.
We don't have any reserves, Lenny!
Cripes, what are we gonna do now?
Give Rangi a go.
He's great, man!
Ah, shut up!
I gotta get him to go after Jess.
He's just the bloke you need, Uncle Wal, honest.
Why don't you play the whole Raupo primary school, Footrot?
Will you have a go, Rangi?
Nah!
Hang on!
Yeah, choice, Wal!
There's a spare jersey on the back of the truck.
Oh, hello, Cheeky!
Hello, Wallace!
Ok, don't try anything fancy, just stay out of trouble.
I'll cover for you. So when the ball comes your way, just pass it to me.
Good luck, kid.
OK, she's right, bro.
Just get the ball. He'll have to follow me.
He places the ball.
He steps back from the ball.
Balanced perfectly.
He moves in.
How embarrassing!
Blow with the wind, blow with the wind, I'll get it, Rangi!
Alright, play the back.
Play the back.
Get stuck in, Rangi!
Righty-o pass.
Oh, dear.
Throw it now, Rangi!
Pass it to me, mate!
Raupo! Raupo! Raupo! Raupo! Yeah!
Here, quick, give us the ball.
There's still time for me to take a conversion and impress the selector.
Nah!
Gotta have to catch me first!
Oi, Rang!
Quit stalling, Footrot!
If you want the ball back, you're gonna have to take me to the Murphys!
Oh, come on, Rangi!
What about me kick?
Me last chance to impress the selector.
Last one is a dirty rat!
Disgraceful match!
Absolutely disgraceful!
What happened, you bonker?
Where did that kid go?
Funny...
Said he was heading for our place.
Come on!
That little sod must know something about the stag!
Uncle Wal, quick!
The Murphys have got Cooch's stag!
Right! Come on, we'll head them off in the truck!
Start, you mongrel, start!
Come on, Hunk!
Put your foot down, we gotta beat that kid to the farm.
No worries.
Beat him easily.
I can see him behind us.
Behind us?
He's on the back, you...
Bugger off, you little larrikin.
Vernon the Vermin
Fangs for being here my little doggie
Welcome to dinner with me and my cronies
I got every disease known to rodent
Fangs like these make me the most potent
I'm gonna give you a blood transfusion
Catch my name so there's no confusion
Vernon the Vermin - your venomy enemy
Cancer to gangrene and the big black plague
So say goodbye to...
Vernon the Vermin - get my name
Boy, are they gonna get it for that.
Just a little trick I learned from batman.
Vernon the Vermin - did you get my name
Infected - infected with an epidemic flame
Vernon the Vermin - Le Fang Fatale
A violent virus - Le Rat Royale
And I've got you... Yeah I've got you
What the bloody hell's going on here?
You check the stag shack, I'll take care of the saw mill.
Why heavens, if I can't have the stag, I'll have venison.
Where's me gun?
This will do!
Eat that, you monsters!
Look, Horse, there's a perfectly simple explanation for all this.
There, you little hooligan.
I gotcha!
Let me outta here, you big, fat plonker.
That must be Rangi!
You see to him, I go after Murphy. He's heading for he river!
...my big white hunky friend! Go let me outta here! I'm gonna eat you for dinner!
Let me outta here, you...
I'm coming, daddy!
Yep, up and away, baby!
Geronimo!
Yeehaw!
Go for it, Rangi!
Got you, Murphy!
Here, doggie, doggie.
Dog, dog.
Here, you blasted doggie, dog, dog.
Damn it! Blast! I lost them.
You'll do, you.
Cripes, it's Horse!
They must have hit him with a ballistic missile!
1, 2, oopsie-doopie-do.
Thank God, you're here, Footrot!
Did you see it?
Did you see it? Geez, it was ugly.
If there is a bird behind me, Murphy, it'll probably bite me on the freckle.
Cripes, croco-pigs.
I have a plan!
Surrender?
Ah, shucks. T'weren't nothing.
By heavens, you shall not prevail. Put up your duke, sir.
A gentleman, sir,...
...does not eat his opponent!
HELP!
Look...
Can't we...
Get around...
The table...
And talk...
This out?
Like civilized...
Human...
Beings!
Like dogs?
Like... pigs?
Goodness, gracious me!
Dear, oh, dear!
Dear, oh, dear!
Now, there we are.
Oh, it's nothing.
Just a mere gash to the bone.
Keep your eyes peeled. They must be there somewhere.
What if they've already gone past?
Into the sea?
Course they haven't, dummy!
Have they, Wal?
No show!
Let's keep looking!
- There they are!
- Yeah, yeah, it's them!
Yeah, you're right!
There they are, Rangi!
Get up here and gives us your feet! Quick!
Now!
Don't drop him, Uncle Wal!
Right, right, right, left!
You haven't got him down far enough, Uncle Wal!
Lower! Still can't reach!
Grab one this side. We'll do for the rest on the other.
- Get ready, Dog!
- Jump up to his hands!
- I've got her! I've got her, you guys.
- Oh, Jess!
Quick, on the other side!
- Jump!
- Grab me, Dog, grab the... Aargh! I missed them!
You missed them...
He's gonna drown!
You did your best, Rangi.
Really!
You did.
Come on, we might as well try down the beach.
Come on, kids, we better shove off.
The place won't be the same without old Horse and the Dog.
Damn sand, always gets in your eyes...
Yep, and up your nose.
Come on, girl. Jessie.
Jessie, in the truck. Come on.
Come on.
Come on...
Fine then.
I'll let her stay for a while and I'll come back and get her later.
Hey, Wal! Wal! Stop it! Stop the truck!
Jess's seen something!
What?
Come on, Uncle Wal!
Is it them?
Oh, no!
Give us me binocular.
What do you reckon, Cooch? A raft?
Could be.
Quite far out.
I think it is!
- Is it?
- Ah... Yeah!
Is it them?
Of course, it's them!
Yeah, yeah! It's them, alright.
Look... Look at Dog hanging in. Wow!
They're alright!
- So far...
- Good on you, Dog!
Ahh... Yeah... G'day!
Meow!
No, no, no, Major.
Not "meow", "woof, woof".