For a Good Time, Call... (2012) Movie Script
I like these
sheets that you bought.
Yeah,
they're so soft.
What's the thread count?
No shit.
- Feels good.
- Yeah.
You're so sexy.
You're sexy, too.
- Thanks.
- Welcome.
- I love you.
- I love you more.
Urn...
So I forgot to tell you Weiner
can't do the Rome office stint,
so it looks like I'm going
to Italy for the summer.
Italy.
And therefore, I think
that this is a good time
for us to evaluate
our relationship.
Really?
Honey,
I'm not proposing.
I'm evaluating and
after my evaluation,
I've realized that we're both ignoring
something really obvious here.
We always go to Sarabeth's
for brunch on Sunday,
we switched from sour cream
to Greek yogurt together,
you wear your bra
when we're having sex.
Look at the fucking pajamas
that we're wearing.
I am saying
that we are boring.
That I am bored,
that I am, like,
crazy-out-of-my-mind bored.
The most exciting part
of the sex that we just had
was when my penis was
chafed by your NuvaRing.
We can spice things up. How about
a blowjob in the bathroom'?
No, Lauren, stop it. Just stop it.
I was just inside of you.
- No...
- Okay, okay.
This is us.
We could fix this.
We could fix this, okay?
Lauren, let's just talk
when I get back, okay?
We'll have had some distance, and
you'll have moved out of this place.
This is my home. I've
lived here for two years.
Lauren, I tried
to tell you.
When?
Last month
when we were walking through the
West Village and I said to you,
"it's not for me, but I could
so see you living here."
I should pack.
I'll just start
in the kitchen.
Lauren...
You're sitting on
my phone, I think.
Thanks.
Hi, can I please get
some fried dumplings
and an order of
orange chicken?
That'll be how long?
Okay, see you
in 20 minutes. Bye.
And who may
I ask is calling?
Hey, it's me,
your pathetic
29-year-old
intern friend.
Well, there's always
a spot for you at Happy Nails.
Never. I would never... Comedy?
You wanna see some comedy?
Never. I would never consider
working there in a million years.
Are you kidding? For one
thing, I'm not Asian enough.
Here you go, comedy.
What's up?
You called. Comedy?
Yes, I made you more fliers. Are you
ever gonna let me see your show?
I would consider
letting you go in never,
but I will meet you at
Shake Shack in 20 minutes.
I can't.
I'm sexercising.
And this place is
full of windows...
- Hello! Excuse me?
- ...gets lots of light.
I'm being robbed.
Got to go, bye.
Look at this nice,
long hallway.
As a matter of fact, why don't
you go look in the living room?
Great crown molding,
a view of Gramercy Park.
Yeah, my view
is beautiful.
What the hell, man?
I live here.
You cannot just drop
in on me like this.
I told you 60 days ago
that this building
was no longer
going to be rent-controlled
as of June 1st.
And I told you that this is
my grandmother's apartment
and I've lived here
for five years
and Gram doesn't want me
moving her things.
All right, hey, why don't you
just give me another month
so I can get
my book advance, okay?
You're writing a book?
Not at this exact second,
but I have a lot of ideas.
You've got
four days, Katie.
If you can't pay,
you've got to move on,
or find a damn roommate.
Hey, what
do you think?
All right, let's go.
Come on.
That's fine! Have fun with
my grandmother's ghost.
She talks in her sleep
about the Holocaust!
Okay, honey,
you have to stop pouting
because now you're depressing
me, you're depressing Zelda,
you're just
creating this, like,
pea soup of depression
in this room.
Look at her.
She has a permanent
frown-y face, okay?
It's not her face.
It's her energy.
Her energy is so off and
Tuesday's her favorite day.
I don't care. I'm the
one who just found out
that my person is
no longer my person.
Look, look, I haven't
said anything before
because I like to
be a good friend
and I don't wanna
be judgmental,
but right now, I'm gonna
drop a real bomb on you
so I'm glad
you're sitting down.
Charlie is boring.
Sorry, everyone talks about
it, no one says it to you.
He is boring.
It's a struggle to have a
20-second conversation with him.
And you know what else?
He always seems like he's kind
of looking for a better deal.
I'm sorry.
I'm a great deal.
Honey, oh, my God, I know that.
Of course, you are.
You're my favorite. You're
the best deal in the world.
You're like
a Subway gift card.
But then why would he go all the way
over to Italy without you, huh?
To what? To shack up with
some woman named Catalina
who has perfect
teardrop breasts
and a nice Sicilian bush
that smells like lavender,
and she makes her
own pesto sauce?
I'm sorry.
I don't even know
why we're packing.
I can't afford an apartment
by myself in this city.
I've a place for you.
Where?
Before I tell you,
you have to promise me
that you'll keep
an open mind
and let Uncle Jesse
take care of you.
Keep talking.
Okay, remember Monica
and Rachel's apartment?
Of course, you do.
This one makes that one
look like a fucking shoebox,
and bonus,
it overlooks Zelda 's
third favorite park
in the world, Gramercy.
You.
You!
Come on. Please?
You sure you don't wanna come inside?
There's a keg!
Come on, it'll be like high
school with no curfew.
Hey, could you bum
a cigarette off me?
He'll be here.
- Good, yeah.
- What more do you want?
Jesse!
I want to Macarena
with you Jesse, Jesse, Jesse.
Oh, yeah, girl.
That's the girl Katie
I told you about
from my
Religious Studies class.
She's the bomb. She's so cool and smart.
I wanna be friends with her.
Hey,
Jesse Lawson! Yeah!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Stop showing your body
to everybody.
I wanna show you my body!
No, no. This is my
friend, Drunky McGee.
This is my friend, Lauren. She's
gonna drive you home, okay?
- Please, please, please?
- Yes.
She's on the way, she's
right near your dorm.
I'm gonna beat you!
Okay,
you're gonna beat me!
Please? Just so she doesn't
get date-raped by somebody.
How was the party?
Well, these two guys
were totally
fighting over me
and I was like,
"Listen, you guys, I can't blow
both of you at the same time!
"Fuck off!"
You know what I mean?
Anyways,
what'd you do tonight?
I'm just gonna
watch some Felicity.
I hate British people.
Are you sure we're
going the right way?
Is this yours?
Yeah. Sorry,
I think it's empty.
Perfect.
I'm just gonna borrow it.
Stop! This is my new car!
It was
a graduation present!
I do this all the time.
Just shh, shh!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Ta-da! See,
no spills at all!
Get out.
But it's scary here.
Get out of my car!
I hate you!
Why don't you
just chill out!
Urine is sterile!
Hi! Come on in! Come here.
You're gonna love it.
Move. Get in here.
What are you thinking?
I can't live with her!
You know, I totally don't
appreciate surprises, Jesse.
Close, close, close,
close and open sesame!
Wow.
Incredible, right?
Could you die'?
Literally,
could you die?
Hardwood floors, the windows,
Gramercy Park is right out there
and it's
a historical landmark.
Katie's grandmother
got this place in the '40s.
She was a knitting maven.
Oh. And a stripper, too, I see.
What is that?
You don't need to
judge my bubbie.
Honey, no one's
judging anybody's bubbie.
You know what?
Katherine, why don't you tell Lauren
a little bit about the place?
I'm gonna go get some Monster
because I'm a little...
Look at me, I'm shaking.
I'm a little low energy.
I'll be right back, okay?
You want some lo mein?
You wanna finish it off?
No.
Okay. I'll throw it away
or put it in the fridge'?
I don't care.
Okay.
Well, this is
an apartment.
I'm sure you're familiar with
what that is structurally.
This is a living room.
That's a dining room.
There's a chair.
That's a lamp.
Grandma, and down the
hall is my room.
That's private because I'm
a very private person
and across the hall
is Bubbie's room.
She died in there.
Let's go see your bedroom.
Come on. Come on.
Don't go in my room!
I said it was private!
And you can hang
all your pictures.
Okay, now don't mind the odor.
It's a bit pungent.
That's Bubbie.
She's still lingering,
but that'll be gone.
It'll be dissipated.
Look at this, though.
Look at this personal space.
Invaluable in New York, right?
This is a bedroom, or is it?
Or is it a dance studio? I don't
know, there's so much space here.
I mean, can you believe this?
And the closet space?
Forget the windows, the windows
with the light coming in.
It's like living
on the sun!
These hardwood floors,
if there was a knot in the floor
big enough for my ding-dong,
I would fuck
the shit out of them.
Good. Good. How could you trick me?
You know I hate her.
'Cause you need a place to
stay and she needs a roommate.
I don't want to.
I know.
Fine. Okay.
Okay.
The place is amazing.
You're right, okay? Right?
Yes, the windows are huge,
the floors are lovely, okay'?
What is that?
Is that a pedicure chair?
It is for my back.
Okay, it's for her back.
She's got a bad back.
What is all this shit?
I don't know.
Stop touching
Bubbie's things!
Okay, you, you,
let's go, outside.
Don't touch it!
In the hallway.
Conference, family conference.
Get over here.
Yeah, I know, pouting!
We're gonna take a walk.
Bitch one and bitch two, go. I
need a minute of your time, okay?
A minute where
you are just neutral
and you're not
judging each other
and you're not holding
onto all this shit.
Close your eyes, close your eyes.
Open your hearts, please.
Indulge me. Please.
Oh, god bless you!
Thank you, Katherine.
You guys, together,
could take this place
from nursing home
to "let's nurse some
cocktails at home," right?
I'm talking about a trip to Design
Within Reach led by Lauren,
I'm talking about cool
street-art done by Katie,
I'm talking about getting rid of
that floral print monstrosity,
taking it outside, pissing
on it and burning it,
and then you know what, we'll
replace it with something simple,
something from...
I don't know.
Now, I want you to open your
eyes on the count of three.
And I want you to
see your new home.
And I don't want you to
thank me right away,
but overtime, yes, I think
I'm owed a little thanks.
One, two, three.
I release you.
It does sound like
a nice place to live.
Yeah, almost as nice as that neighborhood
you left me in so I could get raped.
What?
You were raped?
- No, but I could have been.
- God!
Why can't my friends
be fuckin' friends?
Whenever I smell urine,
it reminds me
of the time
you peed in my hair.
Oh! There was a bump! What do
you want me to say about it?
There was no bump!
Okay, stop it!
You two hate each other
for no reason!
I am so sick and tired of
living like a child of divorce.
Why don't you
just live together
for the summer?
See how it goes?
Okay.
Lauren, honey,
I have a question.
Where are you
sleeping tonight?
'Cause it's not at my place.
I have that Peruvian boy
coming over from the gym.
And, Katherine,
may I remind you
that your most
promising applicant
has been that woman
that looked like Ted Danson
and could not
stop queefing?
Do you want that? Hmm?
You two,
my gorgeous angels,
are about to be homeless
in Washington Square Park
over a fucking party foul.
And I don't like to give out spare
change, so you're on your own.
Hey, can you
watch my stuff?
I'd love to.
Thanks.
I was thinking
about that barf color
you have on the walls
of your living room,
and I thought this dove gray would
actually really open up the space.
You get two walls,
I get two walls.
Welcome home.
Great.
How much for the lamp?
$10.
I'm moving
your chair out of my room!
Oh, my God, yeah.
I love the way you feel.
You feel so good. Yeah.
Ooh, I do like when you
tickle my boobies like that.
Tickle my boobies.
Tickle them.
Hey,
can I get in there?
I just really
have to pee and then
I have to get ready
for work. I'll be so fast.
All right.
I don't care. Come in.
Go ahead.
Okay.
Where do you work that
requires so much makeup?
I'm just doing a lot of
writing, being super creative.
Did you have someone
over here last night?
It's none
of your business.
But yes.
Okay.
Oh, my God, Lauren.
Sounds like
somebody has a UTI.
You can't hear a UTI.
I'd invest in some cranberry
juice if I were you.
Okay, fine, you know what? You pee in
cups in cars while they're moving.
Ooh. I like
a little fire in you.
Katie,
there's no toilet paper.
Katie,
there's no toilet paper.
What? I can't hear you!
I'm running late! Bye!
I have to let you go.
I'm old. I'm tired.
And let's face it, it's time
to close the place down.
You're smart.
That's why I hired you.
And that's why you're gonna be
great out there on your own.
I thought I would take over when you retired.
What about your clients?
You're gonna be great
out there on your own.
Work is good.
It's just...
...really busy.
Sweetie, tell us some more
about the new place.
We've been dying to come over and
help you set it up. I mean...
Yeah, just give us a good
time and we'll come over.
Did you eat
all my hot dog buns?
I'm on the phone!
They're kosher!
I know you stole my lamp!
What?
What'd you say?
Sorry, Dad.
The apartment is spectacular.
My roommate is whatever.
Well, you won't have to live
with this person for long, honey.
Charlie will come back.
They always do.
But, sweetie, lock up Grandma's pearls.
We don't know this girl.
Buongiorno! It's Charlie. I
can't get to my phone right now
because I'm probably doing
something awesome in Italy,
but I'll get back to you
as soon as I can. Ciao!
Is this your job?
No.
Yes, you have paint all over
your face and also on your body.
Take a seat. Come on.
You got to sit down to have
your nails done, so...
So you're not a writer?
I write every day.
Like I said, I'm creative, so I
have a lot of outlets for it.
This is New York City. Most
people need more than one job.
How many jobs do you have?
Well, my top faves
include doing nail art
because I'm good at it and
it lowers my beauty budget.
I also hand out
fliers for Jesse
because I support the arts
and I'm a really good friend.
And I also really like
taking orders at Wo-Hop
because they have the
best Chinese in the city.
Everybody knows that,
and I get it for free.
Switch.
Why aren't you at work?
Did Jesse tell you?
You kind of gave it away
with the greasy hair and the pajamas.
How you gonna pay
your rent, girl?
I have a savings account.
Oh, right, your rich
parents from Long Island
that cut your sandwich up
into cute little four squares
until you went
to prep school.
Whatever.
You're not a writer.
You're some fake nail tech
with a counterfeit diploma you
probably printed at Kinko's.
Oh, Ming Lee!
What did you say to her?
Yeah, I'm your slave.
I love being your slave.
Yeah, put me in your cage!
I wanna go in the cage!
Wait! Wait, it's dark in here! I
don't wanna be in here anymore!
I don't wanna be
in here anymore!
Yeah, your dick looks so big
and it's looking at me!
Let me out! I'm scared!
Kane?
Please, let me out! Please, let me out!
Let me out!
I wanna...
Just cum on my face.
Got to go, bye.
No, no, no...
I'm hungry-
You want the story
or not?
Yeah, sure.
Fine. Whatever.
When I first came to New
York,
I didn't have money,
like I'm sure you did.
And I didn't have
parents that were like,
"Oh, you can be the first pretty
president," or whatever, okay?
My gram let me
move in with her,
but I was pretty
much on my own.
And then she died
and I saw an ad
in the Village Voice
for a phone sex line
and I called it,
and I nailed my interview.
And that's how I'm here.
Why are you so mopey?
Charlie changed his Facebook
status to "single" today.
Sorry. I mean, I don't
really deal with break-ups,
but it's not so bad
being alone.
Take the cookie.
So, how does it work?
Basically, like,
whatever they say,
I just tell them
I wanna lick it.
Like, nipple guy, lick it.
Hairy balls'? Lick 'em all.
Okay. Ew.
You have to know
some dirty words.
Didn't you talk
during sex with Charlie?
I mean, he loved when I
would tell him he was sexy.
Wow.
Whatever.
I meant,
how do you get the calls?
It's easy. I just call and tell 'em when
I'm on and they forward me the calls.
How much are
these guys paying?
I think like $4.99.
I get $1 a minute. It's a decent
enough living for me, though.
Except I'm always going over
my cell phone minutes, but...
Okay.
First, get a land line.
You're wasting your time
for a buck a minute
and this depraved
company you work for
makes four times as much
as you for doing nothing.
Get your own hotline.
Okay, rude.
I've thought of that.
It just sounds
like a ton of work.
It's not a ton of work.
You just call
the phone company,
they'll give you
a new number,
you'll set up
a PayPal account,
tell your repeat callers your
new number and you're done.
You seem to know
how to do this.
Don't even think
about it.
Help me make this
a business
and I'll pay $100 of your rent
until you get another job.
No.
Okay, forever.
I have an interview
tomorrow at Laxton Press.
It is the second best
publishing house in the world,
it is my dream job
and I'm perfect for it.
Really? Okay, well, you go
get your fancy-pants boring job
and I'll just be
here being exciting.
Fine.
It's my 10:00 regular.
His name's Sean.
You know,
you're not better than me.
You're not better
than phone sex!
I'm better than phone sex.
Just imagine me playing with
your balls while you fuck me.
I wanna lick you
from top to bottom.
I wanna hear you cum.
Fuck!
Hi.
Hi.
So, not to drop
a bomb on you,
but it's our two-month
anniversary this week.
Yeah, I know. You don't got to tell me.
I got the phone bills.
And don't take that the wrong way.
You know I like you.
Yeah, I figured.
Am I the only one
you're phone banging?
You're the only one,
period.
I don't know, it's just easier on the phone.
I get quiet around people.
I'm shy, too.
No, you're not.
Last week you described a
gang-bang you had in college
while I came
all over my coffee table.
Stop! Do not ever tell me
what I've said to you ever again.
I have another
call coming in
and you need to
save your pennies.
I'll talk to
you later, lover.
Bye.
Hello?
Look, I'm qualified. I'm
more than qualified for this job.
I have wasted the last five years of
my life working for the wrong company.
I'm ready to take my
career to the next level
which is why
I'm here with you.
Okay.
I am the most organized
person you will ever meet.
I am the most hard-working
person you'll ever meet.
Probably
one of the smartest.
Listen, the job
we called you in for
was filled via
nepotism this morning.
Actually, it's not really nepotism.
It's cronyism or...
I don't know what
it's called when you hire
someone's nephew,
but there's no job,
and there won't
be another one for
about three months
for a junior editor.
Three months?
I really need
a job right now.
From the looks of this,
you've had everything
planned out since you
were five-years-old.
Maybe take a summer off
from escorting Dawn's Syndrome
children to the Broadway theater.
We all made fun of you.
Work, you fucking piece of
fucking motherfucking shit!
Hi.
Hi.
Laxton Press isn't hiring
for another three months.
So, until then, I'm yours.
I wanna make
a third of the profits
and I'm not
getting on the phone.
It's strictly business.
I wouldn't want
you on the phone.
You wouldn't have
any idea what to do.
Can you help me
make a website?
Of course, I could,
but you don't
need a website yet.
You need a phone number and a
phone for your new landline.
Oh, my God,
you got me a gift!
You're welcome.
And it's pink!
Okay.
So I've been thinking
about the concept of my line
and the thing about it
is that it's classic.
It's always in style just
like my pretty pink phone.
These men wanna jerk off to your voice.
They don't need a concept.
What's your number?
Okay, slave driver.
What about
1-900-ASS-TIME?
No?
1-900-U-FINGER?
1-900-ASS-BAGS?
No, no, no.
TEA-BAGS?
Something with "bags"
in it. I don't know.
1-900-VAG-BAGS?
Mmm.
Oh, my God,
this smells so good.
Mmm!
That's not bad.
1-900-VAG-BAGS?
No.
No. 1-900-MMM-HMMM.
Mmm!
Like, 1-900-M-M-M...
H-M-M-M.
Yeah.
Ooh.
I like it.
That's it!
Yes!
I love it!
I love it so much!
Hello, world!
For a good time,
call 1-900-M-M-M-H-M-M-M!
We have a business!
1-900-MMM-HMMM?
Yes, I am. Hold for billing, please.
Billing!
Misty, it's Dan
from Connecticut.
Cheryl, it's Eddie
from East Lansing.
Rachel, it's
Schleheim again.
Guzzling cum?
My favorite! Lauren!
Tootsie!
Champagne!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
D.J.?
Stephanie?
No! No! I said no! No!
Cindy, Aaron with
the low-hangers.
April, get the
water bottles.
It's John, the one who
likes to hear you pee.
Mmm. You sound like a redhead. Do
you have freckles on your dick?
See, what I do is just wait
till it comes out on DVD
and then I just
watch it all in a row.
Oh! Fuck,
that's my cervix!
Whoa, whoa! This is
still Billing!
Hi, it's Katie. Leave a message. Bye!
Hey, good job not calling me back.
Well done.
Is this number a beeper? Because
a human never answers. Jesus.
Oh, I love that smell.
Mmm.
Can I lick it?
You're a dirty girl, Misty. Oh,
my God, you're gonna make me go.
Ooh, it's so good.
It's so good!
I want to get on
my hands and knees
and reverse
into that big cock.
Yeah, back it up.
Back it up.
Beep.
Beep, beep-
- Beep.
- Beep.
Toot, toot! Oh! Beep, beep!
Toot, toot!
Beep, beep, beep, beep!
Loadin' dock! Loadin' dock!
Dick dock! Dick dock!
Yeah, fill me,
fill me up!
You all done'? Okay, honey.
Call us back soon. Bye.
I thought he was
never gonna cum.
Welcome to Jersey,
ma'am.
You're right. It really
does open up the space.
Actually, I have
some things to tell you.
I've instated
a 10-minute minimum
so we don't have to waste time with
those two-pump Johnnys anymore.
I like it.
Okay.
Second, and this is
the big one.
Okay.
We've made $12,000
in three weeks!
No.
Yes.
Oh, my God!
I know!
And because of that, I felt like
just to be safe business-wise,
I incorporated us
so we're now an LLC.
No shit!
Yes.
Well, fuck Grandma!
Can I get us that new couch?
Sure. Okay.
I really, really need you to drink
this green tea I made for you
because you're
getting all hoarse again.
I know. I got to
keep the throat lubed.
I have also been thinking
and I was wondering
if maybe we could
hire some dumb-ass
to work for us
for $1 a minute?
Urn...
Yeah. Yeah,
we could do that.
Perfect because
I already found her!
You did?
Yes. She writes...
"Dear slut talkers,
look no further.
"I scared my last boyfriend away
by how dirty I talked in bed.
"Here's a taste."
"Fuck my tits
until they're so raw,
"you have to move
down to my itty bitty..."
...itty bitty,
edible gummy-wear thong.
I am loud,
I am creative
and I love
giving phone blowies.
So this is a nice couch.
And also, I've been
practicing my baby voice.
"That won't fit, mister!"
Not really for us. We really try
to stay away from the pedo thing.
You do really sound like a baby,
though, so congrats on that.
May I?
Oh, the stripper pole?
Sure, go for a spin.
Has it been
used today?
Not today.
Okay, great.
I love her!
Love her!
Look at you,
you're a natural.
So... You are
very flexible.
She's better than me.
Well, let's not...
Okay, we charge
a 10-minute minimum,
so the point is just keep the guys
on the call as long as possible.
Just make sure that they bring
up the sex stuff, okay?
You just small talk
from the get go
and see what
happens after that.
I'm from Maui
and I love to take
my cat to the dog park
on Sunday mornings
in my bikini.
I mean, it's perfect.
Amazing.
You got to be on your A-game,
though, for every call.
All right,
don't listen to this,
but I don't care if they wanna
take a pretend dump on your boobs.
You just roll with it
and act like it's sexy.
Can we see it?
Steamy!
I like it right there!
Ooh!
Get over here!
Welcome to our family!
I just came in my panties
and I'm a squirter, honey!
You wanna smell them?
'Cause they smell so good!
Yeah, you can have them for $29.95,
plus shipping and handling.
Good boy. I'm gonna make 'em
nice and wet just for you!
- Surprise!
- Hi! Hi!
Hello! Oh, my God!
Hi!
Daddy had an appointment
in the city this afternoon
and I wanted to check out
the sale at Barneys
and we figured as long as we
were in the neighborhood...
Your mother's lying.
So sorry we didn't call.
Okay. Just give me
one second, okay?
Sure.
Fuck.
I'm so glad Charlie let you
keep the dishes. That's only fair.
This is like the longest
hallway in Manhattan.
Brought your favorite, boo-boo kitty.
Magnolia!
Thanks, Mom!
Hello. Hello. Oh,
and this is a potted plant.
Great. Thank you.
Hit it!
I'm so close!
That's...
That's my roommate. She's
exercising in her room.
What is that?
Is that a stripper pole?
Oh!
Yeah, it is.
Oh, my God, is your
roommate a stripper?
No! Oh, my God. No, she's not a stripper!
She exercises on there.
You know,
it's good for your abs.
That's not structural.
Have one of these guys.
You had me worried for a second.
Actually, honey, Daddy and I
were in your account this week
to make
a little gift deposit.
You guys still
watch my account?
We couldn't help
but notice that
you have 10 grand
in that account.
Did Morty finally
give you that promotion?
Did he?
Yeah. Yeah, he did.
I know, I am so sorry. I don't know
why I forgot to tell you guys.
Sweetie,
it's just not like you
to keep these things
to yourself.
Scott! Adele!
Katie. Oh, God,
what a pleasure.
It's so nice to meet you.
You.
Well, okay.
Oh, my goodness.
Lauren didn't tell me
how good-looking you were.
Why don't you sit down? Let's
get to know each other, then.
I would love that.
I would love to do that
because I love parents,
but our very good friend
Krissy is coming over
and she just
went through one of
the worst break-ups
I've ever been privy to.
Don't even get me started.
Oh, my God.
I told you this was gonna be a bad time.
You guys... We'll stop into
the city again really soon.
She's just heart-broken. If we
can just do this another time?
I understand. Okay.
They need some time.
Your promotion's a big deal.
We've got to celebrate.
I know.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, dear.
Look who I found,
just surviving.
You're doing good.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Krissy.
Krissy, I'm Adele. Sweetie, I
know we just met, but listen,
life is full of
ups and downs
and good times will come again.
It is.
Adele and I were separated,
it worked out fine.
Come on, honey,
let's go.
Feel better, honey.
I'm gonna walk them out.
Okay.
Nice to
meet you, Katie.
There, there, sweet thing.
I've got you.
Okay.
I've got you. I do.
It's over, you guys.
Oh.
Oh.
Let's get this
fuck show started!
Please hold for Misty.
Krissy!
It's John from San Jose!
Oh, God, it feels good
to have a night off.
I feel like I was always
meant to be an employer
and not an employee.
Do you remember the last
time we left this apartment?
No, I really don't.
Can I braid your hair?
Okay.
I want you to
go get a bowl of milk.
A very, very full
bowl of milk.
And then I want to
squat over top of it.
You're gonna dangle
your boys in there.
What's that, did I hear a
dog in the background?
Okay. I want you to go get some kibble.
Yes, go get some kibble.
I want you to take two pieces,
put them in your mouth.
Take three pieces and
put them in your bum.
Okay, do you have any
potted plants around you?
Okay, I want you to
go grab that potted plant.
Good. Did it crack?
Ooh. I like that.
Okay, now I want you
to crack all your toes.
Now, when you're
on the tenth one,
I want you to pull each lace out of
your shoe very slowly. Good boy.
Now, when you have
that lace out,
I want you to wrap it
around your balls.
You're gonna start
tugging really gentle.
Now, I'm gonna deliver you
a very special message
and when I do that, I want
you to pull real hard, okay?
You got that lace? Good.
Here's your special message,
Mr. Phone Caller.
Girl, you do a good braid.
I feel like she's talking
a lot of calls in there.
Do you wanna go check?
Yeah.
Okay.
You've got your hairy
dick in your hand, yeah?
That plastic bag over your head?
You feel like a naughty boy'?
You know who else thinks
you're a naughty boy'? G-O-D.
Forget this number. Do you
want God to damn you to Hell?
Because he just did.
What the fuck! Get the
fuck off the phone!
We're running
a business here!
God bless you.
Jesus loves you.
Your business
is disgusting.
What is that?
It's a cross.
I know what it is!
I know what it is!
I am an undercover
agent of the Lord.
And you two didn't
even know. Even you.
And you seem smart.
I saved
some souls tonight
and that's more than I can say
for you two phone whores!
All right, well, obviously you're fired!
Out! Outwith you!
Get out!
Jesus loves you, too.
Come on!
Out, out, out!
Let there be
no filth in this...
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
We're Jews.
I don't
wanna hear it!
Oh, God, I'm cumming!
Amen!
Oh, my God.
Fucking Craigslist.
What happened?
I just picked up
the phone and he came.
I should be
our second operator.
I don't wanna be
boring anymore.
Are you high?
I appreciate the sentiment,
but we just lost
half our callers
to fucking Jesus of
Nazareth back there.
Look, I will do
whatever you tell me to do.
I will lick whatever
you want me to lick.
I will make us so much money.
I'm good at everything.
You know that.
All right.
I'm gonna take
a chance on you, kid.
We start training tomorrow.
Now, you just say the words
as I point to them, okay'?
"Dripping, hole,
clenches."
Next.
"Hard, cock, jams."
Next.
"Wet, snatch, opens."
Say it like you mean it!
Okay, let's
give this a try.
There's a lot of
dildos in there.
What? I used to
work in a sex shop.
Oh, I love it when
your cock is in my mouth!
Now you try.
Has this ever been
in your...
Hello?
Tell me what you're wearing,
you dirty little slut.
Oh, it's this cute dress
from Cynthia Vincent.
Lauren! Hey, I thought we were
gonna take this seriously, right?
Harder!
Faster!
I'm wearing a lacy, pink thong.
It slid right up my ass.
And a bra that is just so
tight on my heaving breasts.
Good. Good.
I like it when
they're long and hard,
oh, when they really
are just so, so meaty.
Jesus, have you
murdered each other?
It's some real
War of the Roses shit.
I feel like Danny DeVito.
Call me.
I wanna rub your breasts
when I see you in that dress.
Mmm-hmm.
I wanna rub my own breasts
when I see you in that dress.
Ooh, yeah?
Where else are you pink?
I wanna take you to dinner
when I see you in that dress.
Then, after dinner, I'm gonna take
you home and I'm gonna fuck you.
I'm gonna rip
that dress off you
and I'm gonna
fuck you so hard.
Cum for me, baby.
Boop!
Yes! Yes! Oh, I'm cumming! I'm cumming!
I'm cumming! I'm cumming!
Oh, God, yes!
Oh, yes.
Well, I just blew my load all over your tits.
I'll see you inside.
Hey, don't make fun of me, but I'm
gonna send you that essay I wrote.
I'll send you
that film I cut.
It's only the longest short
film in the history of cinema.
Is this the one
about the little man
that lives inside
of the cardigan?
No, this one is about the conjoined
twins who found happiness.
Oh, okay.
That's my other line,
but call me later
and let's talk
about them. Bye.
1-900-MMM-HMMM.
Uh, a three-way?
Urn...
Yes, we can do that.
Hold for Billing, please.
Lauren!
You need me to
run the card?
Yes, and then
I need you to stay.
It's time for your
first call, honey.
Ready?
Yes.
Hi.
I'm Kitty and I'm
here with my friend.
Hello, I'm...
...Catty.
Hello,
Kitty and Catty.
I guarantee you, that's gonna confuse
me once I start whackin' off
but for now
that's okay.
I've heard you've been a bad
boy and I'm here to save you.
I'm actually the one who
will be doing the saving
because I am
a goddamn man
who flies people through the
sky on a bird made of steel.
I'm an airplane pilot and I'm
masturbating while taking a shit.
Tell me what you
ladies are wearing.
Well, Catty is
wearing a lace nightie
and I'm caressing her
with my tongue.
Okay. I'm starting to
masturbate and I'm done pooing.
What part of her
skin specifically
are you caressing
with your tongue?
MY nipples.
Nice.
Okay. Great.
Now you know what
I want you guys to do?
I want you to put your tongues
on a collision course
and just ram
those fuckers.
Ram tongues.
Catty is... Oh,
she's such a good kisser.
Her lips are so
luscious and wet.
Okay, so, Catty,
what do Kitty's
underpants look like?
Oh! They're so cute!
I mean, they're...
Well, they're leopard print.
There is an animal up
her tight, sexy ass.
Nice.
Kitty, what do Catty's
underpants look like?
She's not wearing any panties.
Do you like that?
No, I don't. I think that's
gross, to be totally honest.
You're just, what?
You're just sweating vagina
juice in your jeans all day?
That's disgusting.
Put on underpants.
Tell me when you have them on.
So I can keep masturbating.
Jerry, come on,
the flight's about to leave.
Dude, I'm jerking off in here,
right this second, literally,
and you're ruining it.
Just delay the flight, okay?
Now, Catty, look at Kitty
and tell me what you see.
She's so pretty.
She has the most
beautiful eyes.
And her hair is
soft around her face.
And Catty is
so beautiful.
She has this luminous skin
that I would kill for.
She is so nice
and honest,
and such a good friend.
Kitty is just so
fun and outgoing
and she lights up
every room.
And she gives
great manicures.
You guys have any dildos or
anything like that around?
Listen, last night was...
You made me proud. You're a
real phone sex operator now.
I know.
I'm a slut.
Is it okay I'm a slut?
Yeah.
A slut that made
$800 in one night!
I don't know if I'm just,
like, being emotional
because of last night
or whatever,
but I want you to stay.
Really stay.
Past the summer.
Okay.
Pinky swear.
I have a friend who's a girl.
And I like it!
You can't take that job at Laxton Publishing.
Let's go full time.
Okay.
It's Laxton Press.
And last night
was my first night,
so let's just take this
as it comes, okay?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. I get it.
I almost forgot.
We're gonna be twins!
I'll have you know
I schlepped all the way
to Brooklyn to
get this for you.
I will not let you down.
I'm only givin' it to you because
you said I had a nice ass.
Mmm. Eat me
for lunch at your desk!
That feels so good.
Do you have a big calculator?
I have to pee so bad! It's
Harold, our new tax attorney.
I got a big calculator,
I got the biggest!
Yeah, I got a big
calculator for you.
I want you to
press 5-8-0-0-8.
You know what
that spells? "Boobs."
Audit me, Harold!
Inspect every inch of my bod
with a fine-tooth comb.
I'm about to jizz!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
I think you
found my loophole!
It happened!
Pleasure doing
business with you, Harry.
Hey, can you fax over
those I-9s? Okay. Bye.
Okay, bye-bye.
Thank you. Bye.
Becky!
Thank you.
What a relief.
You're welcome.
Is that a gift for me?
Yes.
And I have one, too,
and we're going out.
Oh, my God!
We're matching!
Let's start with
the artichoke dip.
Yes, and then do you maybe wanna
do like the brown sugar pork?
Yes, and like a salad.
With dressing on the side?
With dressing on the side, of course.
Okay, good.
Okay. What is going on here?
Let's just tell him.
Are you guys scissor dancing?
Honestly.
You know, I hate lesbians,
but you have to tell me.
I'll make an exception,
I'll get past it for you two.
No!
What then?
We are running a phone sex line.
Boom!
Shut up.
Not my idea!
And this doesn't
make me a whore!
A whore? No!
This makes you awesome!
She just phone-fucked the
shit out of our accountant.
What's going on?
What? Wait, wait, wait, wait! But
what happened to Lawson Press?
Laxton Press, and that bitch
never called me back, so...
Screw her! She has me.
Wow.
You ladies are living some fucked-up
version of the American dream.
You have to tell me,
what do these guys say?
Is it all like penis in vagina?
Where do the dicks go?
I've had phone anal.
You had phanal? Oh, my
God, I'm so good at that!
Can I work for you guys?
No! It's girls only.
No.
This stinks.
No fair.
I could be the unicorn
this time if you want.
Actually, I was
thinking since we both...
Hey, sorry I wasn't here
for your call at 10:00,
but I had to get
out of this apartment.
You know, it's okay.
I was thinkin'
maybe we could meet up?
In person?
What?
Well, we haven't had
phone sex in a week
and we still
talk every day.
And I loved your essay
and you made it
through my short film.
It's kind of like
we're already dating,
so I thought maybe we could meet up?
Like Friday?
Hello?
I fucked this up.
I'm sorry.
Okay, let's do it.
Really?
You don't have to.
No. No, I want to.
I do, I really want to.
Shaquanda, I can't
wait to meet you.
Oh, yeah.
Urn...
Actually my name
is Katie.
Hello.
Lauren?
Lauren? Lauren?
Hey. What?
What were you
doing in there?
I was working. What?
Did you just
have phone sex?
Do we not run
a phone sex line?
Well, yeah, but...
You slut! You just put
your fingers in your puss!
Ew! No!
You know that a little pony
dies every time you do that.
Did you wash your hands?
Maybe I didn't!
Ew!
Whatever.
You must do it all the time.
Ew. No.
You're not that
good of an actress.
Anyways-...
Urn...
10:00 Sean lives in Brooklyn. That
is not just a billing address.
And now we have
a date on Friday night.
So.
No.
Why not?
I don't know, 'cause
he's probably a rapist.
Oh, please! Don't judge him. You
and I are the ones on the phone.
Please?
I haven't been on
a date in forever.
Now I've had a taste
of the outside world!
I want more!
It's just gonna be
a cool bar in Brooklyn.
I'll come home,
I promise.
Fine. But you
play by my rules.
What are your rules?
You'll see on Friday,
won't you'?
Is that a new shower head?
Yeah.
It pulsates. On my body.
Cute dance.
Okay. That's good.
I, literally, never wanna
see that dance ever again.
Oh! You just blinded me
with that dance.
I am now blinded.
These are the rules.
Step one, put these on.
Way too small for me.
That's the point, okay?
10:00 will never be
able to get in these.
It is rape-prevention
wear at its best.
Oh, for Christ's sake!
Okay, step two.
Bug spray-
What?
I didn't know where to buy
mace and I just figured
it'll do the same thing when
you spray him in the face.
What the hell kind of purse
would that even fit in?
You can borrow my tote.
I've already filled it
with some other stuff.
What, no canned goods
for my survival?
All right, I'll take it. Hell,
throw it in my new tote bag!
I am ready to
survive date rape!
Ta-da!
Can I please get
one drink? Please?
My blood alcohol
level's dangerously low.
No, you're leaving.
Don't make me go. I don't wanna
go back to that apartment.
I'm outside.
Guys!
Is that him?
Is that him?
He looks like
T.T. Barber.
All right, I need you both to,
like, bring it down a notch.
All right? I will
know him when I see him.
Is that him?
Look at that lumberjack.
A lot of bears here.
You like a bear.
I like a bear.
Katie?
Yes.
Hi.
Hi.
Wow! You are really pretty.
And you are
really pretty, too.
I'm sorry. I didn't know
you were bringing people.
That's cool.
These are just my
overprotective friends
that are gonna be
leaving in a second.
I'm Katie's
Lauren. Hello.
Hi.
What's up, man? Jesse Lawson.
Hey.
How are you doing?
Good.
You like comedy?
Do you like to laugh?
Check it out.
You're welcome to come.
It's a $10 cover.
Two drink minimum.
Great.
Yeah.
Okay.
Awesome.
Okay, good.
I'm good, guys.
My word.
Nice to meet you.
Nice meeting you.
Bye.
I'm just gonna
say this.
I do not think
it's weird at all
that you guys met
on a phone sex line.
I don't think it's weird.
'Cause, you know what? Fuck it.
- Life is weird, right?
- Let's go.
No. I was in
the shower this morning
and have you ever
thought about hair?
Think about human hair.
Let's go.
Some's curly, some's...
It's weird.
Bye.
Don't worry about it.
All right.
Sorry. Sweet.
Yes.
Sweet as can be.
And very funny.
Yeah. Well, he's a
comedian, you know, so.
Nice to finally meet you.
All right. Let's do it.
Ready. Okay.
Cheers.
Cheers.
You're right. This is so much more
comfortable than being at the bar.
Can I open my eyes now?
No.
You cannot look at me
and I cannot look at you.
It's easier this way.
Trust me.
You know, I approached two other
girls before I found you.
I met a Christina
and a Lily.
No, you didn't.
I saw you walk in and you
walked right towards me.
No, I know, you're right.
I knew it was you.
You're cute.
You better not be peeking.
I'm not.
Let's open our
eyes anyway, okay?
Okay.
Okay.
Count of three.
One, two, three.
Put it anywhere.
Lauren!
Put it anywhere.
You're home!
How was it?
It was great!
Did you smoke
that whole joint?
Uh-huh.
Tell me about your date.
It was amazing.
It was, like, the best
date I have ever been on.
It was never awkward.
And then we started kissing,
which, by the way, was just...
He was so good.
And then...
What? Did he get
in my Spanx?
No.
What?
Well, I got my period
when I was 12
and I wasn't
close with my mom,
so I called my older,
cooler cousin Wendy
and I went over to her house.
I bike ride-ed over and she
brought me into the bathroom
to do the whole tampon tutorial,
you know what I mean?
And like we're standing
there, legs open, flaps open.
Are you with me?
Mmm-hmm. I'm just stoned.
Okay.
And jamming it up there
and I'm trying to make it fit
and there's blood everywhere
and it just looks like
this horrible murder scene
and I look over and
that's when I see it.
A wart.
You had genital warts
at 12?
Not on me!
On Wendy's left labia!
And she saw me see it.
Obviously I was horrified, and
that's when she said it to me,
"if you don't want one of these,
don't have sex in high school.
"After that, just make sure you're
in love with whoever it is."
And no one was
ever in love with me.
I'm a virgin.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, that can't be true.
Yes, it is.
I've never even
had a boyfriend.
But I went to
college with you.
I thought you
were the school slut.
Well, that's what everyone thought.
But I wasn't doing any of it.
I was just
talking a lot of shit.
And then I just got so scared around
guys, I would just like clam up.
You just...
All the time?
You don't ever?
Just stop looking at me!
I'm just all talk, literally!
Okay.
Tina Fey lost her
virginity at, like, 27.
Okay? And she's
pretty cool, I think.
And you are gonna be
mind-blowing at sex.
I mean, if your body
can keep up with your mouth,
you are gonna make some guy's
head just pop right off his neck.
And being in love
when you do it?
Only gonna make it better.
I have an idea.
Bum-bada-bum!
These are yours.
Use them.
That way,
when you're ready for Sean,
or whoever else is lucky enough
to fall in love with you,
you'll be ready.
Okay.
Maybe not Earl.
How about this one? Kevin.
Thanks, Ren.
1-900-MMM-HMMM.
That's 1-900-M-M-M-H-M-M-M.
And cut!
Yeah, it's still
feeling a little stiff.
Really?
Well, no, I mean, I'd call.
I mean, I already did call.
Maybe you guys
should have a drink.
It doesn't take much,
friend.
Can you get me
a glass of wine, please?
Will you get me a glass
of wine, please, too?
Yeah, fine. I just think a little
bit more like, "Are you alone?"
Well, we'll talk about it. I just
felt like you weren't in the tub.
All right.
We'll do better!
Thank you.
Thank you!
I just
saw your nipple!
I can never find
my keys in this bag.
I don't know why you don't
use that zipper compartment.
Oh, my God.
It's Laxton Press!
Well, I'm not gonna get it. I'm never
talking to that bitch ever again.
No, get it!
I have an idea.
Get it!
Hello? This is
Lauren Powell.
You are a vision in
my dress! My God!
I want to go with you
to the interview.
I can't believe I'm gonna tell
Laxton Press to shove it.
Are you sure I'm
doing the right thing?
Yes!
You have nothing to lose. It's not
like you're gonna work there.
Go in there and tell her what
a good phone fucker you are
and then come home to me
and we can celebrate
'cause it's commercial night!
I have something
I wanna say.
Have you been
masturbating again?
Because you don't have
to tell me every time.
No, no, no, no.
It's not that.
I love you.
Should we hug or something?
Yeah.
Okay!
Okay.
Go have fun at
your bogus interview.
Make that lady feel sorry she never
hired you in the first place.
Hmm.
You're different.
What's going on here?
Oh!
Oh.
I've been running
a phone sex line.
You? Yeah,
that's funny.
For reals?
Is it for charity?
Hi, Jess.
Hi, Katie!
I'm here with Zelda.
Doesn't she look a lot like
a young Carol Channing?
She's so cute.
Hey, who's ready
to put some of
my famous bean dip
in their mouths
while watching the first cut
of our phone sex commercial?
I am! I am!
Ooh-ooh!
Hey, is Lauren back yet?
From her power play
interview? No, not yet.
I have to say, I think
what you guys are doing
is so weird and
Single White Female-y,
but then again, I'm stroking
Zelda like I'm a Bond villain.
So, who am I to
talk about weird?
Did you get the DVD?
Yes,
it's already in the player.
Wait, somebody's here. I got to go.
I can't wait to see you. Bye!
We're back!
Hey.
Hi.
Can we come in?
Yes, yes, please.
Come on in.
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you!
Hey, you.
And you!
We could really use
a strong female editor
that wants to grow
with our company.
Just somebody like you that
understands a good business model.
I know you've had a fun
summer doing phone sex.
It's a phase.
I love a good phase.
I'm a hasbian.
I made love to a woman with
crooked bangs for six months.
Are you following me
back to reality?
'Cause what happens?
What happens when you're
crossing Seventh Avenue,
holding that hot soy latte,
and a cab comes out of nowhere
and just takes you out?
And you don't
have benefits?
Are you really gonna be a phone sex
operator the rest of your life?
Take the job, Lauren.
This place
just looks great.
The balloons are
really festive.
Thank you.
Hard not to
focus on this here.
This...
What? What are you talking about?
Just kidding.
I know.
We're having a bachelorette
party here tonight
and I had 'em and I thought, "Hell,
I'll throw 'em on the table."
Titty fuck me!
Stoop sale.
You get the damnedest
things there.
You guys,
I just wanna tell you
Lauren and I have been having
such an amazing summer.
I honestly feel
like she is my sister.
Which, cha-ching,
makes you guys my parents!
I always wanted normal parents.
Hi.
What time was
her appointment?
2:00.
It was at 2:00.
Man, I cannot wait to
hear about that, huh?
Hi. Another surprise visit?
There's my girl!
Honey, my goodness, what
are you wearing, sweetie?
I can see your bra.
Never mind. Sweetheart,
you get the job?
How was it?
It was really good.
It was a great interview.
They actually offered me
the job right on the spot.
I know, it has insurance
and a 401 plan.
The position is really,
really fantastic.
So...
So I took it.
This is great news!
We have to celebrate!
Are you serious?
Honey, I am so proud.
Why don't you change
and we'll all go
have a big lunch
at Sarabeth's.
Put on something
that fits
'cause you know we always run
into Daddy's work friends there.
Katie, why don't you
come to my room with me
and you can help me
pick out an outfit,
and I'll tell you
more about the job.
I'm sure you'll be
fine on your own.
Okay.
Mom, Dad.
I would love to tell you more
about our special summer
because Lauren has been so shy
about it, but at our party tonight
we were gonna have a screening
of something we made
and I would love to
share it with you. Please.
Sure.
Come with me, will you?
Oh! So exciting!
I love an audience.
Oh, hi.
It's nice to see you.
Do you ever wonder why
you're alone in the tub?
It's so lonely when you're
in the tub alone, isn't it?
You don't have to
be so lonely anymore.
If you have one of these.
You can just
give me a call.
The bubbles were all
her idea, by the way.
I mean, she's a smart
cookie, that one.
I'm gonna be sick.
What the hell is
wrong with you?
What? I was just
catching your parents up
on what a beautiful
summer we've had.
While we're at it, should I tell
them about how Morty fired you'?
Or do you wanna tell them? Oops!
Cat's out of the bag, sorry.
I should have never
moved in with you.
If you'll excuse me,
I have an errand to run.
It's dirty money.
Okay. I know that you're really
more of a business manager
and you're not actually
listening to guys...
I know you're mad.
Just because you don't give
a shit about your parents
doesn't mean
I don't care about mine.
I know.
And I'm sorry. Okay?
No. No, it is not okay!
You lied to me!
I did not know that
I was gonna take that job.
And it's not even that big of a deal.
I can still help out here.
Well, don't
do me any favors.
If you were my real friend, you would
understand why I took that job.
Excuse me! Real friend?
I am not the one that
lied to my partner today.
That's hilarious, because last time I
checked, you lied about being a whore.
I go off and I do
one thing by myself
and you prove to be
some insecure virgin.
You make me feel like I will
never be good enough for you.
So why don't you and your
shit get out of my apartment?
This is our apartment.
I told you I loved you
this morning.
And you were too
scared to say it back.
I wasn't too scared.
I just don't love you.
Who wants some bean dip?
Oh, yeah,
that feels good.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I want you to
finger-bang me in the shower.
Uh...
Why don't you just flip me
over and do me from behind?
Are you even listening?
No, I do like it.
It's so depressing.
You know, I call you,
I get one phone call a week.
This is
so fucking depressing.
This is more depressing than the
macaroni necklace that my kid sends me.
What the shit am I supposed
to do with that in here?
Just tell me
what you want.
Well, what I want, Sandy,
is for you to get your head
in the fucking game!
That's what I want!
What I want is for you to start
taking Discover card again.
That's the one
we use in here.
What I want is for you
to keep doing two on ones.
What I want is to not have to
make a dildo out of soap, okay'?
It hurts!
It takes a long time.
But you know that's not
what we all get.
We don't all get that.
But now what I'm gonna have to
do, what I didn't want to do,
is go to your house
and steal your fucking dog,
and then steal your car.
And then, when you come
outside to look for your dog,
you'll say, "Oh, where's my dog?
Where's my dog?"
Oh, barn! I'm gonna
hit you with my car!
I'm gonna vehicular manslaughter
you because that is what I do.
That's what I do.
I don't even have a car.
I'll lick your pussy.
No, you don't wanna do that.
We don't get razors in here.
Kind of lost the
mood now, anyway.
Lauren.
Happy hour.
Ruby Foo's. Sake bombs.
4:00 to 7:00, half price,
all the apps you can eat.
Hot Asian guys. Let's go.
Okay, just
give me a minute.
I have a plan.
Yeah?
Yeah. My lease is up soon.
I could move in here
with you.
Ohh.
Yeah. No.
We're not there yet.
But thanks for offering.
We should probably, like, have
sex before we live together.
Yes. That's a great idea.
Not today. But...
...soon.
Thank you so much for
letting me stay here.
I promise, I'm gonna
find a place so soon.
No, I totally
like having you here.
I love having my own living space, though.
But, you know.
God, this Greek yogurt
is so good.
Who is that?
I'm gonna take this.
I'll be right back.
Who is that?
Who is it?
Oh, girl. Who has
she replaced me with?
You're never gonna
replace me, are you?
'Cause I love you.
Do you have any tens?
No, I do not.
You must go fish.
Do you have any sixes?
Yes! Do you
have any fives?
This is stupid.
Stop being such
a girl and call Lauren.
Let's have sex.
Come on.
Okay.
Oh, wow.
Now what?
And the wine and the cheese
and the gelato and...
Just everything about it was so fresh.
It was vivacious.
And so, on this one day, I
decided to take a little stroll.
You know,
I'm feeling high on life.
You know, the case is going
great, so I walk up this hill
and I'm walking up,
and all of a sudden
I see this little
shoe shop in the corner.
Okay, and I'm walking in and this old
couple, they fall in love with me.
I mean, they just take me in
like I'm their own.
The old woman, you know,
she's probably 82,
she starts making
risotto and it smells...
You would love it,
it smells so good.
And the old man, he gets
out this old contraption
and he starts
measuring my feet.
And then it starts
raining outside, pouring.
So I said to the guy,
"Listen, I got to go.
"You know, thank you. I had a great time.
I got to leave."
And he grabs my shoe
and he won't let me go.
And he...
LN'
How's the new job?
How's that?
It's good. It's really good.
I'm learning...
That's great. Listen.
I forgot to tell you. They
are grooming me for partner
now that I saved
the job in Italy.
And, you know, I'm kind
of enjoying the job now.
Kind of a thing,
so that's good.
You Okay?
Mmm-hmm.
Is that okay?
Sorry, I get a little...
I'm just so nervous.
It's okay.
It's okay, just...
Just relax.
You know what?
I have an idea.
No, just get it.
I'll only be one second.
Hello?
Hello.
Well, this is silly.
Mmm-hmm.
You feel so good.
I've been wanting to do this since
the first time I heard your voice.
I've wanted this, too.
Yeah, after I saved
that case in Italy they thought,
"Okay, this is a guy we've
got to make something of."
Look, Lauren, there is a reason
that I asked to see you today.
And that's because I realized
that I made a mistake.
I should have
never left you.
You're my person.
I am?
I'm gonna
shoot you straight.
When I was in Italy,
I had a brief yet intense
relationship with a Sicilian woman.
Okay? And at first,
it was exhilarating.
The passion was immense.
But then the fighting
would start, Laur, and...
And slaps across my face, screaming,
and doors slamming, and...
It was exhausting.
And I started to think about
you and what I love about you.
And you're so simple.
You know?
Lauren, I want you
back in my life.
Back in my apartment. I got a
place on the Upper East Side.
Come home with me.
Babe, bring the NuvaRing.
You know? I wanna feel it.
You're an asshole.
I'm leaving.
Wait, no.
Okay, I'm not an asshole.
Yes, Lauren,
I was an asshole.
But now it's out of my system
and I want you back.
You know, you've been
calling me for months.
I made a lot of calls
this summer, Charlie.
Turns out you were right. We were boring.
And you still are.
You're not my person.
You were never my person.
I think I just came.
I love Lauren.
But I'm inside of you.
I know.
I think I might
love you, too.
But she would be so
proud of me right now.
And I just wanna tell her,
but I can't tell her.
Because I hate her
and she hates me, so.
I think
I love you, too.
Now call her.
Do it.
Hey, it's Lauren.
Sorry I missed your call.
Leave me a message
and I'll call you back.
What the fuck?
Hi, it's Katie.
Leave a message.
Really?
Fuck! See?
It's me.
Please don't hang up.
I love you.
I love you!
And I'm out of breath because
you've been running through my mind
all day and I'm coming!
I'm coming!
"m Coming! I'm coming!
You're coming to me?
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Are you close?
I'm so close.
I'm down the street.
I wanna be with you.
Please let me come inside.
I want you to come inside.
I want you!
I want you so hard!
Come to me! Come to me!
I love you back!
I love you, too!
I think I love you.
I know
I love you, but...
Okay, I can't
stop saying it!
I'm close!
I'm so close!
Here I come!
Oh, this feels so good!
I know! I know!
I love you.
I love you. I love you.
Now I can't
stop saying it!
Where are you?
I'm here!
I missed you!
I missed you.
You're so sweaty!
I just ran 11 blocks
in heels!
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You know I love you.
I don't know why I didn't say it
that morning and I should have.
No. I was wrong to take the
job without talking to you.
Of course you took the job. What
are you gonna do, not take it?
Who am I to stand in the way
of your dream job?
Can I come home?
Obvs.
But what are you wearing?
What are you, like the
Gramercy Park flasher now?
Charlie called me
and I went to see him
and I thought that
I would wear this
because I thought
that maybe he would like it.
Oh, my God!
Who wears this?
All right.
Let's get you inside and
put on something sensible.
Oh, my God! Speaking of
letting people inside...
I let Sean inside, my vagina!
We just had sex!
Oh, my God!
I mean, "ow" at first,
but then out of this world.
I have to hear
all the details.
Oh, I have details.
Like, who knew their stuff runs
right out as soon as they're done?
And it's so warm.
I got some running
down my leg right now!
sheets that you bought.
Yeah,
they're so soft.
What's the thread count?
No shit.
- Feels good.
- Yeah.
You're so sexy.
You're sexy, too.
- Thanks.
- Welcome.
- I love you.
- I love you more.
Urn...
So I forgot to tell you Weiner
can't do the Rome office stint,
so it looks like I'm going
to Italy for the summer.
Italy.
And therefore, I think
that this is a good time
for us to evaluate
our relationship.
Really?
Honey,
I'm not proposing.
I'm evaluating and
after my evaluation,
I've realized that we're both ignoring
something really obvious here.
We always go to Sarabeth's
for brunch on Sunday,
we switched from sour cream
to Greek yogurt together,
you wear your bra
when we're having sex.
Look at the fucking pajamas
that we're wearing.
I am saying
that we are boring.
That I am bored,
that I am, like,
crazy-out-of-my-mind bored.
The most exciting part
of the sex that we just had
was when my penis was
chafed by your NuvaRing.
We can spice things up. How about
a blowjob in the bathroom'?
No, Lauren, stop it. Just stop it.
I was just inside of you.
- No...
- Okay, okay.
This is us.
We could fix this.
We could fix this, okay?
Lauren, let's just talk
when I get back, okay?
We'll have had some distance, and
you'll have moved out of this place.
This is my home. I've
lived here for two years.
Lauren, I tried
to tell you.
When?
Last month
when we were walking through the
West Village and I said to you,
"it's not for me, but I could
so see you living here."
I should pack.
I'll just start
in the kitchen.
Lauren...
You're sitting on
my phone, I think.
Thanks.
Hi, can I please get
some fried dumplings
and an order of
orange chicken?
That'll be how long?
Okay, see you
in 20 minutes. Bye.
And who may
I ask is calling?
Hey, it's me,
your pathetic
29-year-old
intern friend.
Well, there's always
a spot for you at Happy Nails.
Never. I would never... Comedy?
You wanna see some comedy?
Never. I would never consider
working there in a million years.
Are you kidding? For one
thing, I'm not Asian enough.
Here you go, comedy.
What's up?
You called. Comedy?
Yes, I made you more fliers. Are you
ever gonna let me see your show?
I would consider
letting you go in never,
but I will meet you at
Shake Shack in 20 minutes.
I can't.
I'm sexercising.
And this place is
full of windows...
- Hello! Excuse me?
- ...gets lots of light.
I'm being robbed.
Got to go, bye.
Look at this nice,
long hallway.
As a matter of fact, why don't
you go look in the living room?
Great crown molding,
a view of Gramercy Park.
Yeah, my view
is beautiful.
What the hell, man?
I live here.
You cannot just drop
in on me like this.
I told you 60 days ago
that this building
was no longer
going to be rent-controlled
as of June 1st.
And I told you that this is
my grandmother's apartment
and I've lived here
for five years
and Gram doesn't want me
moving her things.
All right, hey, why don't you
just give me another month
so I can get
my book advance, okay?
You're writing a book?
Not at this exact second,
but I have a lot of ideas.
You've got
four days, Katie.
If you can't pay,
you've got to move on,
or find a damn roommate.
Hey, what
do you think?
All right, let's go.
Come on.
That's fine! Have fun with
my grandmother's ghost.
She talks in her sleep
about the Holocaust!
Okay, honey,
you have to stop pouting
because now you're depressing
me, you're depressing Zelda,
you're just
creating this, like,
pea soup of depression
in this room.
Look at her.
She has a permanent
frown-y face, okay?
It's not her face.
It's her energy.
Her energy is so off and
Tuesday's her favorite day.
I don't care. I'm the
one who just found out
that my person is
no longer my person.
Look, look, I haven't
said anything before
because I like to
be a good friend
and I don't wanna
be judgmental,
but right now, I'm gonna
drop a real bomb on you
so I'm glad
you're sitting down.
Charlie is boring.
Sorry, everyone talks about
it, no one says it to you.
He is boring.
It's a struggle to have a
20-second conversation with him.
And you know what else?
He always seems like he's kind
of looking for a better deal.
I'm sorry.
I'm a great deal.
Honey, oh, my God, I know that.
Of course, you are.
You're my favorite. You're
the best deal in the world.
You're like
a Subway gift card.
But then why would he go all the way
over to Italy without you, huh?
To what? To shack up with
some woman named Catalina
who has perfect
teardrop breasts
and a nice Sicilian bush
that smells like lavender,
and she makes her
own pesto sauce?
I'm sorry.
I don't even know
why we're packing.
I can't afford an apartment
by myself in this city.
I've a place for you.
Where?
Before I tell you,
you have to promise me
that you'll keep
an open mind
and let Uncle Jesse
take care of you.
Keep talking.
Okay, remember Monica
and Rachel's apartment?
Of course, you do.
This one makes that one
look like a fucking shoebox,
and bonus,
it overlooks Zelda 's
third favorite park
in the world, Gramercy.
You.
You!
Come on. Please?
You sure you don't wanna come inside?
There's a keg!
Come on, it'll be like high
school with no curfew.
Hey, could you bum
a cigarette off me?
He'll be here.
- Good, yeah.
- What more do you want?
Jesse!
I want to Macarena
with you Jesse, Jesse, Jesse.
Oh, yeah, girl.
That's the girl Katie
I told you about
from my
Religious Studies class.
She's the bomb. She's so cool and smart.
I wanna be friends with her.
Hey,
Jesse Lawson! Yeah!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Stop showing your body
to everybody.
I wanna show you my body!
No, no. This is my
friend, Drunky McGee.
This is my friend, Lauren. She's
gonna drive you home, okay?
- Please, please, please?
- Yes.
She's on the way, she's
right near your dorm.
I'm gonna beat you!
Okay,
you're gonna beat me!
Please? Just so she doesn't
get date-raped by somebody.
How was the party?
Well, these two guys
were totally
fighting over me
and I was like,
"Listen, you guys, I can't blow
both of you at the same time!
"Fuck off!"
You know what I mean?
Anyways,
what'd you do tonight?
I'm just gonna
watch some Felicity.
I hate British people.
Are you sure we're
going the right way?
Is this yours?
Yeah. Sorry,
I think it's empty.
Perfect.
I'm just gonna borrow it.
Stop! This is my new car!
It was
a graduation present!
I do this all the time.
Just shh, shh!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Ta-da! See,
no spills at all!
Get out.
But it's scary here.
Get out of my car!
I hate you!
Why don't you
just chill out!
Urine is sterile!
Hi! Come on in! Come here.
You're gonna love it.
Move. Get in here.
What are you thinking?
I can't live with her!
You know, I totally don't
appreciate surprises, Jesse.
Close, close, close,
close and open sesame!
Wow.
Incredible, right?
Could you die'?
Literally,
could you die?
Hardwood floors, the windows,
Gramercy Park is right out there
and it's
a historical landmark.
Katie's grandmother
got this place in the '40s.
She was a knitting maven.
Oh. And a stripper, too, I see.
What is that?
You don't need to
judge my bubbie.
Honey, no one's
judging anybody's bubbie.
You know what?
Katherine, why don't you tell Lauren
a little bit about the place?
I'm gonna go get some Monster
because I'm a little...
Look at me, I'm shaking.
I'm a little low energy.
I'll be right back, okay?
You want some lo mein?
You wanna finish it off?
No.
Okay. I'll throw it away
or put it in the fridge'?
I don't care.
Okay.
Well, this is
an apartment.
I'm sure you're familiar with
what that is structurally.
This is a living room.
That's a dining room.
There's a chair.
That's a lamp.
Grandma, and down the
hall is my room.
That's private because I'm
a very private person
and across the hall
is Bubbie's room.
She died in there.
Let's go see your bedroom.
Come on. Come on.
Don't go in my room!
I said it was private!
And you can hang
all your pictures.
Okay, now don't mind the odor.
It's a bit pungent.
That's Bubbie.
She's still lingering,
but that'll be gone.
It'll be dissipated.
Look at this, though.
Look at this personal space.
Invaluable in New York, right?
This is a bedroom, or is it?
Or is it a dance studio? I don't
know, there's so much space here.
I mean, can you believe this?
And the closet space?
Forget the windows, the windows
with the light coming in.
It's like living
on the sun!
These hardwood floors,
if there was a knot in the floor
big enough for my ding-dong,
I would fuck
the shit out of them.
Good. Good. How could you trick me?
You know I hate her.
'Cause you need a place to
stay and she needs a roommate.
I don't want to.
I know.
Fine. Okay.
Okay.
The place is amazing.
You're right, okay? Right?
Yes, the windows are huge,
the floors are lovely, okay'?
What is that?
Is that a pedicure chair?
It is for my back.
Okay, it's for her back.
She's got a bad back.
What is all this shit?
I don't know.
Stop touching
Bubbie's things!
Okay, you, you,
let's go, outside.
Don't touch it!
In the hallway.
Conference, family conference.
Get over here.
Yeah, I know, pouting!
We're gonna take a walk.
Bitch one and bitch two, go. I
need a minute of your time, okay?
A minute where
you are just neutral
and you're not
judging each other
and you're not holding
onto all this shit.
Close your eyes, close your eyes.
Open your hearts, please.
Indulge me. Please.
Oh, god bless you!
Thank you, Katherine.
You guys, together,
could take this place
from nursing home
to "let's nurse some
cocktails at home," right?
I'm talking about a trip to Design
Within Reach led by Lauren,
I'm talking about cool
street-art done by Katie,
I'm talking about getting rid of
that floral print monstrosity,
taking it outside, pissing
on it and burning it,
and then you know what, we'll
replace it with something simple,
something from...
I don't know.
Now, I want you to open your
eyes on the count of three.
And I want you to
see your new home.
And I don't want you to
thank me right away,
but overtime, yes, I think
I'm owed a little thanks.
One, two, three.
I release you.
It does sound like
a nice place to live.
Yeah, almost as nice as that neighborhood
you left me in so I could get raped.
What?
You were raped?
- No, but I could have been.
- God!
Why can't my friends
be fuckin' friends?
Whenever I smell urine,
it reminds me
of the time
you peed in my hair.
Oh! There was a bump! What do
you want me to say about it?
There was no bump!
Okay, stop it!
You two hate each other
for no reason!
I am so sick and tired of
living like a child of divorce.
Why don't you
just live together
for the summer?
See how it goes?
Okay.
Lauren, honey,
I have a question.
Where are you
sleeping tonight?
'Cause it's not at my place.
I have that Peruvian boy
coming over from the gym.
And, Katherine,
may I remind you
that your most
promising applicant
has been that woman
that looked like Ted Danson
and could not
stop queefing?
Do you want that? Hmm?
You two,
my gorgeous angels,
are about to be homeless
in Washington Square Park
over a fucking party foul.
And I don't like to give out spare
change, so you're on your own.
Hey, can you
watch my stuff?
I'd love to.
Thanks.
I was thinking
about that barf color
you have on the walls
of your living room,
and I thought this dove gray would
actually really open up the space.
You get two walls,
I get two walls.
Welcome home.
Great.
How much for the lamp?
$10.
I'm moving
your chair out of my room!
Oh, my God, yeah.
I love the way you feel.
You feel so good. Yeah.
Ooh, I do like when you
tickle my boobies like that.
Tickle my boobies.
Tickle them.
Hey,
can I get in there?
I just really
have to pee and then
I have to get ready
for work. I'll be so fast.
All right.
I don't care. Come in.
Go ahead.
Okay.
Where do you work that
requires so much makeup?
I'm just doing a lot of
writing, being super creative.
Did you have someone
over here last night?
It's none
of your business.
But yes.
Okay.
Oh, my God, Lauren.
Sounds like
somebody has a UTI.
You can't hear a UTI.
I'd invest in some cranberry
juice if I were you.
Okay, fine, you know what? You pee in
cups in cars while they're moving.
Ooh. I like
a little fire in you.
Katie,
there's no toilet paper.
Katie,
there's no toilet paper.
What? I can't hear you!
I'm running late! Bye!
I have to let you go.
I'm old. I'm tired.
And let's face it, it's time
to close the place down.
You're smart.
That's why I hired you.
And that's why you're gonna be
great out there on your own.
I thought I would take over when you retired.
What about your clients?
You're gonna be great
out there on your own.
Work is good.
It's just...
...really busy.
Sweetie, tell us some more
about the new place.
We've been dying to come over and
help you set it up. I mean...
Yeah, just give us a good
time and we'll come over.
Did you eat
all my hot dog buns?
I'm on the phone!
They're kosher!
I know you stole my lamp!
What?
What'd you say?
Sorry, Dad.
The apartment is spectacular.
My roommate is whatever.
Well, you won't have to live
with this person for long, honey.
Charlie will come back.
They always do.
But, sweetie, lock up Grandma's pearls.
We don't know this girl.
Buongiorno! It's Charlie. I
can't get to my phone right now
because I'm probably doing
something awesome in Italy,
but I'll get back to you
as soon as I can. Ciao!
Is this your job?
No.
Yes, you have paint all over
your face and also on your body.
Take a seat. Come on.
You got to sit down to have
your nails done, so...
So you're not a writer?
I write every day.
Like I said, I'm creative, so I
have a lot of outlets for it.
This is New York City. Most
people need more than one job.
How many jobs do you have?
Well, my top faves
include doing nail art
because I'm good at it and
it lowers my beauty budget.
I also hand out
fliers for Jesse
because I support the arts
and I'm a really good friend.
And I also really like
taking orders at Wo-Hop
because they have the
best Chinese in the city.
Everybody knows that,
and I get it for free.
Switch.
Why aren't you at work?
Did Jesse tell you?
You kind of gave it away
with the greasy hair and the pajamas.
How you gonna pay
your rent, girl?
I have a savings account.
Oh, right, your rich
parents from Long Island
that cut your sandwich up
into cute little four squares
until you went
to prep school.
Whatever.
You're not a writer.
You're some fake nail tech
with a counterfeit diploma you
probably printed at Kinko's.
Oh, Ming Lee!
What did you say to her?
Yeah, I'm your slave.
I love being your slave.
Yeah, put me in your cage!
I wanna go in the cage!
Wait! Wait, it's dark in here! I
don't wanna be in here anymore!
I don't wanna be
in here anymore!
Yeah, your dick looks so big
and it's looking at me!
Let me out! I'm scared!
Kane?
Please, let me out! Please, let me out!
Let me out!
I wanna...
Just cum on my face.
Got to go, bye.
No, no, no...
I'm hungry-
You want the story
or not?
Yeah, sure.
Fine. Whatever.
When I first came to New
York,
I didn't have money,
like I'm sure you did.
And I didn't have
parents that were like,
"Oh, you can be the first pretty
president," or whatever, okay?
My gram let me
move in with her,
but I was pretty
much on my own.
And then she died
and I saw an ad
in the Village Voice
for a phone sex line
and I called it,
and I nailed my interview.
And that's how I'm here.
Why are you so mopey?
Charlie changed his Facebook
status to "single" today.
Sorry. I mean, I don't
really deal with break-ups,
but it's not so bad
being alone.
Take the cookie.
So, how does it work?
Basically, like,
whatever they say,
I just tell them
I wanna lick it.
Like, nipple guy, lick it.
Hairy balls'? Lick 'em all.
Okay. Ew.
You have to know
some dirty words.
Didn't you talk
during sex with Charlie?
I mean, he loved when I
would tell him he was sexy.
Wow.
Whatever.
I meant,
how do you get the calls?
It's easy. I just call and tell 'em when
I'm on and they forward me the calls.
How much are
these guys paying?
I think like $4.99.
I get $1 a minute. It's a decent
enough living for me, though.
Except I'm always going over
my cell phone minutes, but...
Okay.
First, get a land line.
You're wasting your time
for a buck a minute
and this depraved
company you work for
makes four times as much
as you for doing nothing.
Get your own hotline.
Okay, rude.
I've thought of that.
It just sounds
like a ton of work.
It's not a ton of work.
You just call
the phone company,
they'll give you
a new number,
you'll set up
a PayPal account,
tell your repeat callers your
new number and you're done.
You seem to know
how to do this.
Don't even think
about it.
Help me make this
a business
and I'll pay $100 of your rent
until you get another job.
No.
Okay, forever.
I have an interview
tomorrow at Laxton Press.
It is the second best
publishing house in the world,
it is my dream job
and I'm perfect for it.
Really? Okay, well, you go
get your fancy-pants boring job
and I'll just be
here being exciting.
Fine.
It's my 10:00 regular.
His name's Sean.
You know,
you're not better than me.
You're not better
than phone sex!
I'm better than phone sex.
Just imagine me playing with
your balls while you fuck me.
I wanna lick you
from top to bottom.
I wanna hear you cum.
Fuck!
Hi.
Hi.
So, not to drop
a bomb on you,
but it's our two-month
anniversary this week.
Yeah, I know. You don't got to tell me.
I got the phone bills.
And don't take that the wrong way.
You know I like you.
Yeah, I figured.
Am I the only one
you're phone banging?
You're the only one,
period.
I don't know, it's just easier on the phone.
I get quiet around people.
I'm shy, too.
No, you're not.
Last week you described a
gang-bang you had in college
while I came
all over my coffee table.
Stop! Do not ever tell me
what I've said to you ever again.
I have another
call coming in
and you need to
save your pennies.
I'll talk to
you later, lover.
Bye.
Hello?
Look, I'm qualified. I'm
more than qualified for this job.
I have wasted the last five years of
my life working for the wrong company.
I'm ready to take my
career to the next level
which is why
I'm here with you.
Okay.
I am the most organized
person you will ever meet.
I am the most hard-working
person you'll ever meet.
Probably
one of the smartest.
Listen, the job
we called you in for
was filled via
nepotism this morning.
Actually, it's not really nepotism.
It's cronyism or...
I don't know what
it's called when you hire
someone's nephew,
but there's no job,
and there won't
be another one for
about three months
for a junior editor.
Three months?
I really need
a job right now.
From the looks of this,
you've had everything
planned out since you
were five-years-old.
Maybe take a summer off
from escorting Dawn's Syndrome
children to the Broadway theater.
We all made fun of you.
Work, you fucking piece of
fucking motherfucking shit!
Hi.
Hi.
Laxton Press isn't hiring
for another three months.
So, until then, I'm yours.
I wanna make
a third of the profits
and I'm not
getting on the phone.
It's strictly business.
I wouldn't want
you on the phone.
You wouldn't have
any idea what to do.
Can you help me
make a website?
Of course, I could,
but you don't
need a website yet.
You need a phone number and a
phone for your new landline.
Oh, my God,
you got me a gift!
You're welcome.
And it's pink!
Okay.
So I've been thinking
about the concept of my line
and the thing about it
is that it's classic.
It's always in style just
like my pretty pink phone.
These men wanna jerk off to your voice.
They don't need a concept.
What's your number?
Okay, slave driver.
What about
1-900-ASS-TIME?
No?
1-900-U-FINGER?
1-900-ASS-BAGS?
No, no, no.
TEA-BAGS?
Something with "bags"
in it. I don't know.
1-900-VAG-BAGS?
Mmm.
Oh, my God,
this smells so good.
Mmm!
That's not bad.
1-900-VAG-BAGS?
No.
No. 1-900-MMM-HMMM.
Mmm!
Like, 1-900-M-M-M...
H-M-M-M.
Yeah.
Ooh.
I like it.
That's it!
Yes!
I love it!
I love it so much!
Hello, world!
For a good time,
call 1-900-M-M-M-H-M-M-M!
We have a business!
1-900-MMM-HMMM?
Yes, I am. Hold for billing, please.
Billing!
Misty, it's Dan
from Connecticut.
Cheryl, it's Eddie
from East Lansing.
Rachel, it's
Schleheim again.
Guzzling cum?
My favorite! Lauren!
Tootsie!
Champagne!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
D.J.?
Stephanie?
No! No! I said no! No!
Cindy, Aaron with
the low-hangers.
April, get the
water bottles.
It's John, the one who
likes to hear you pee.
Mmm. You sound like a redhead. Do
you have freckles on your dick?
See, what I do is just wait
till it comes out on DVD
and then I just
watch it all in a row.
Oh! Fuck,
that's my cervix!
Whoa, whoa! This is
still Billing!
Hi, it's Katie. Leave a message. Bye!
Hey, good job not calling me back.
Well done.
Is this number a beeper? Because
a human never answers. Jesus.
Oh, I love that smell.
Mmm.
Can I lick it?
You're a dirty girl, Misty. Oh,
my God, you're gonna make me go.
Ooh, it's so good.
It's so good!
I want to get on
my hands and knees
and reverse
into that big cock.
Yeah, back it up.
Back it up.
Beep.
Beep, beep-
- Beep.
- Beep.
Toot, toot! Oh! Beep, beep!
Toot, toot!
Beep, beep, beep, beep!
Loadin' dock! Loadin' dock!
Dick dock! Dick dock!
Yeah, fill me,
fill me up!
You all done'? Okay, honey.
Call us back soon. Bye.
I thought he was
never gonna cum.
Welcome to Jersey,
ma'am.
You're right. It really
does open up the space.
Actually, I have
some things to tell you.
I've instated
a 10-minute minimum
so we don't have to waste time with
those two-pump Johnnys anymore.
I like it.
Okay.
Second, and this is
the big one.
Okay.
We've made $12,000
in three weeks!
No.
Yes.
Oh, my God!
I know!
And because of that, I felt like
just to be safe business-wise,
I incorporated us
so we're now an LLC.
No shit!
Yes.
Well, fuck Grandma!
Can I get us that new couch?
Sure. Okay.
I really, really need you to drink
this green tea I made for you
because you're
getting all hoarse again.
I know. I got to
keep the throat lubed.
I have also been thinking
and I was wondering
if maybe we could
hire some dumb-ass
to work for us
for $1 a minute?
Urn...
Yeah. Yeah,
we could do that.
Perfect because
I already found her!
You did?
Yes. She writes...
"Dear slut talkers,
look no further.
"I scared my last boyfriend away
by how dirty I talked in bed.
"Here's a taste."
"Fuck my tits
until they're so raw,
"you have to move
down to my itty bitty..."
...itty bitty,
edible gummy-wear thong.
I am loud,
I am creative
and I love
giving phone blowies.
So this is a nice couch.
And also, I've been
practicing my baby voice.
"That won't fit, mister!"
Not really for us. We really try
to stay away from the pedo thing.
You do really sound like a baby,
though, so congrats on that.
May I?
Oh, the stripper pole?
Sure, go for a spin.
Has it been
used today?
Not today.
Okay, great.
I love her!
Love her!
Look at you,
you're a natural.
So... You are
very flexible.
She's better than me.
Well, let's not...
Okay, we charge
a 10-minute minimum,
so the point is just keep the guys
on the call as long as possible.
Just make sure that they bring
up the sex stuff, okay?
You just small talk
from the get go
and see what
happens after that.
I'm from Maui
and I love to take
my cat to the dog park
on Sunday mornings
in my bikini.
I mean, it's perfect.
Amazing.
You got to be on your A-game,
though, for every call.
All right,
don't listen to this,
but I don't care if they wanna
take a pretend dump on your boobs.
You just roll with it
and act like it's sexy.
Can we see it?
Steamy!
I like it right there!
Ooh!
Get over here!
Welcome to our family!
I just came in my panties
and I'm a squirter, honey!
You wanna smell them?
'Cause they smell so good!
Yeah, you can have them for $29.95,
plus shipping and handling.
Good boy. I'm gonna make 'em
nice and wet just for you!
- Surprise!
- Hi! Hi!
Hello! Oh, my God!
Hi!
Daddy had an appointment
in the city this afternoon
and I wanted to check out
the sale at Barneys
and we figured as long as we
were in the neighborhood...
Your mother's lying.
So sorry we didn't call.
Okay. Just give me
one second, okay?
Sure.
Fuck.
I'm so glad Charlie let you
keep the dishes. That's only fair.
This is like the longest
hallway in Manhattan.
Brought your favorite, boo-boo kitty.
Magnolia!
Thanks, Mom!
Hello. Hello. Oh,
and this is a potted plant.
Great. Thank you.
Hit it!
I'm so close!
That's...
That's my roommate. She's
exercising in her room.
What is that?
Is that a stripper pole?
Oh!
Yeah, it is.
Oh, my God, is your
roommate a stripper?
No! Oh, my God. No, she's not a stripper!
She exercises on there.
You know,
it's good for your abs.
That's not structural.
Have one of these guys.
You had me worried for a second.
Actually, honey, Daddy and I
were in your account this week
to make
a little gift deposit.
You guys still
watch my account?
We couldn't help
but notice that
you have 10 grand
in that account.
Did Morty finally
give you that promotion?
Did he?
Yeah. Yeah, he did.
I know, I am so sorry. I don't know
why I forgot to tell you guys.
Sweetie,
it's just not like you
to keep these things
to yourself.
Scott! Adele!
Katie. Oh, God,
what a pleasure.
It's so nice to meet you.
You.
Well, okay.
Oh, my goodness.
Lauren didn't tell me
how good-looking you were.
Why don't you sit down? Let's
get to know each other, then.
I would love that.
I would love to do that
because I love parents,
but our very good friend
Krissy is coming over
and she just
went through one of
the worst break-ups
I've ever been privy to.
Don't even get me started.
Oh, my God.
I told you this was gonna be a bad time.
You guys... We'll stop into
the city again really soon.
She's just heart-broken. If we
can just do this another time?
I understand. Okay.
They need some time.
Your promotion's a big deal.
We've got to celebrate.
I know.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, dear.
Look who I found,
just surviving.
You're doing good.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Krissy.
Krissy, I'm Adele. Sweetie, I
know we just met, but listen,
life is full of
ups and downs
and good times will come again.
It is.
Adele and I were separated,
it worked out fine.
Come on, honey,
let's go.
Feel better, honey.
I'm gonna walk them out.
Okay.
Nice to
meet you, Katie.
There, there, sweet thing.
I've got you.
Okay.
I've got you. I do.
It's over, you guys.
Oh.
Oh.
Let's get this
fuck show started!
Please hold for Misty.
Krissy!
It's John from San Jose!
Oh, God, it feels good
to have a night off.
I feel like I was always
meant to be an employer
and not an employee.
Do you remember the last
time we left this apartment?
No, I really don't.
Can I braid your hair?
Okay.
I want you to
go get a bowl of milk.
A very, very full
bowl of milk.
And then I want to
squat over top of it.
You're gonna dangle
your boys in there.
What's that, did I hear a
dog in the background?
Okay. I want you to go get some kibble.
Yes, go get some kibble.
I want you to take two pieces,
put them in your mouth.
Take three pieces and
put them in your bum.
Okay, do you have any
potted plants around you?
Okay, I want you to
go grab that potted plant.
Good. Did it crack?
Ooh. I like that.
Okay, now I want you
to crack all your toes.
Now, when you're
on the tenth one,
I want you to pull each lace out of
your shoe very slowly. Good boy.
Now, when you have
that lace out,
I want you to wrap it
around your balls.
You're gonna start
tugging really gentle.
Now, I'm gonna deliver you
a very special message
and when I do that, I want
you to pull real hard, okay?
You got that lace? Good.
Here's your special message,
Mr. Phone Caller.
Girl, you do a good braid.
I feel like she's talking
a lot of calls in there.
Do you wanna go check?
Yeah.
Okay.
You've got your hairy
dick in your hand, yeah?
That plastic bag over your head?
You feel like a naughty boy'?
You know who else thinks
you're a naughty boy'? G-O-D.
Forget this number. Do you
want God to damn you to Hell?
Because he just did.
What the fuck! Get the
fuck off the phone!
We're running
a business here!
God bless you.
Jesus loves you.
Your business
is disgusting.
What is that?
It's a cross.
I know what it is!
I know what it is!
I am an undercover
agent of the Lord.
And you two didn't
even know. Even you.
And you seem smart.
I saved
some souls tonight
and that's more than I can say
for you two phone whores!
All right, well, obviously you're fired!
Out! Outwith you!
Get out!
Jesus loves you, too.
Come on!
Out, out, out!
Let there be
no filth in this...
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
We're Jews.
I don't
wanna hear it!
Oh, God, I'm cumming!
Amen!
Oh, my God.
Fucking Craigslist.
What happened?
I just picked up
the phone and he came.
I should be
our second operator.
I don't wanna be
boring anymore.
Are you high?
I appreciate the sentiment,
but we just lost
half our callers
to fucking Jesus of
Nazareth back there.
Look, I will do
whatever you tell me to do.
I will lick whatever
you want me to lick.
I will make us so much money.
I'm good at everything.
You know that.
All right.
I'm gonna take
a chance on you, kid.
We start training tomorrow.
Now, you just say the words
as I point to them, okay'?
"Dripping, hole,
clenches."
Next.
"Hard, cock, jams."
Next.
"Wet, snatch, opens."
Say it like you mean it!
Okay, let's
give this a try.
There's a lot of
dildos in there.
What? I used to
work in a sex shop.
Oh, I love it when
your cock is in my mouth!
Now you try.
Has this ever been
in your...
Hello?
Tell me what you're wearing,
you dirty little slut.
Oh, it's this cute dress
from Cynthia Vincent.
Lauren! Hey, I thought we were
gonna take this seriously, right?
Harder!
Faster!
I'm wearing a lacy, pink thong.
It slid right up my ass.
And a bra that is just so
tight on my heaving breasts.
Good. Good.
I like it when
they're long and hard,
oh, when they really
are just so, so meaty.
Jesus, have you
murdered each other?
It's some real
War of the Roses shit.
I feel like Danny DeVito.
Call me.
I wanna rub your breasts
when I see you in that dress.
Mmm-hmm.
I wanna rub my own breasts
when I see you in that dress.
Ooh, yeah?
Where else are you pink?
I wanna take you to dinner
when I see you in that dress.
Then, after dinner, I'm gonna take
you home and I'm gonna fuck you.
I'm gonna rip
that dress off you
and I'm gonna
fuck you so hard.
Cum for me, baby.
Boop!
Yes! Yes! Oh, I'm cumming! I'm cumming!
I'm cumming! I'm cumming!
Oh, God, yes!
Oh, yes.
Well, I just blew my load all over your tits.
I'll see you inside.
Hey, don't make fun of me, but I'm
gonna send you that essay I wrote.
I'll send you
that film I cut.
It's only the longest short
film in the history of cinema.
Is this the one
about the little man
that lives inside
of the cardigan?
No, this one is about the conjoined
twins who found happiness.
Oh, okay.
That's my other line,
but call me later
and let's talk
about them. Bye.
1-900-MMM-HMMM.
Uh, a three-way?
Urn...
Yes, we can do that.
Hold for Billing, please.
Lauren!
You need me to
run the card?
Yes, and then
I need you to stay.
It's time for your
first call, honey.
Ready?
Yes.
Hi.
I'm Kitty and I'm
here with my friend.
Hello, I'm...
...Catty.
Hello,
Kitty and Catty.
I guarantee you, that's gonna confuse
me once I start whackin' off
but for now
that's okay.
I've heard you've been a bad
boy and I'm here to save you.
I'm actually the one who
will be doing the saving
because I am
a goddamn man
who flies people through the
sky on a bird made of steel.
I'm an airplane pilot and I'm
masturbating while taking a shit.
Tell me what you
ladies are wearing.
Well, Catty is
wearing a lace nightie
and I'm caressing her
with my tongue.
Okay. I'm starting to
masturbate and I'm done pooing.
What part of her
skin specifically
are you caressing
with your tongue?
MY nipples.
Nice.
Okay. Great.
Now you know what
I want you guys to do?
I want you to put your tongues
on a collision course
and just ram
those fuckers.
Ram tongues.
Catty is... Oh,
she's such a good kisser.
Her lips are so
luscious and wet.
Okay, so, Catty,
what do Kitty's
underpants look like?
Oh! They're so cute!
I mean, they're...
Well, they're leopard print.
There is an animal up
her tight, sexy ass.
Nice.
Kitty, what do Catty's
underpants look like?
She's not wearing any panties.
Do you like that?
No, I don't. I think that's
gross, to be totally honest.
You're just, what?
You're just sweating vagina
juice in your jeans all day?
That's disgusting.
Put on underpants.
Tell me when you have them on.
So I can keep masturbating.
Jerry, come on,
the flight's about to leave.
Dude, I'm jerking off in here,
right this second, literally,
and you're ruining it.
Just delay the flight, okay?
Now, Catty, look at Kitty
and tell me what you see.
She's so pretty.
She has the most
beautiful eyes.
And her hair is
soft around her face.
And Catty is
so beautiful.
She has this luminous skin
that I would kill for.
She is so nice
and honest,
and such a good friend.
Kitty is just so
fun and outgoing
and she lights up
every room.
And she gives
great manicures.
You guys have any dildos or
anything like that around?
Listen, last night was...
You made me proud. You're a
real phone sex operator now.
I know.
I'm a slut.
Is it okay I'm a slut?
Yeah.
A slut that made
$800 in one night!
I don't know if I'm just,
like, being emotional
because of last night
or whatever,
but I want you to stay.
Really stay.
Past the summer.
Okay.
Pinky swear.
I have a friend who's a girl.
And I like it!
You can't take that job at Laxton Publishing.
Let's go full time.
Okay.
It's Laxton Press.
And last night
was my first night,
so let's just take this
as it comes, okay?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. I get it.
I almost forgot.
We're gonna be twins!
I'll have you know
I schlepped all the way
to Brooklyn to
get this for you.
I will not let you down.
I'm only givin' it to you because
you said I had a nice ass.
Mmm. Eat me
for lunch at your desk!
That feels so good.
Do you have a big calculator?
I have to pee so bad! It's
Harold, our new tax attorney.
I got a big calculator,
I got the biggest!
Yeah, I got a big
calculator for you.
I want you to
press 5-8-0-0-8.
You know what
that spells? "Boobs."
Audit me, Harold!
Inspect every inch of my bod
with a fine-tooth comb.
I'm about to jizz!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
I think you
found my loophole!
It happened!
Pleasure doing
business with you, Harry.
Hey, can you fax over
those I-9s? Okay. Bye.
Okay, bye-bye.
Thank you. Bye.
Becky!
Thank you.
What a relief.
You're welcome.
Is that a gift for me?
Yes.
And I have one, too,
and we're going out.
Oh, my God!
We're matching!
Let's start with
the artichoke dip.
Yes, and then do you maybe wanna
do like the brown sugar pork?
Yes, and like a salad.
With dressing on the side?
With dressing on the side, of course.
Okay, good.
Okay. What is going on here?
Let's just tell him.
Are you guys scissor dancing?
Honestly.
You know, I hate lesbians,
but you have to tell me.
I'll make an exception,
I'll get past it for you two.
No!
What then?
We are running a phone sex line.
Boom!
Shut up.
Not my idea!
And this doesn't
make me a whore!
A whore? No!
This makes you awesome!
She just phone-fucked the
shit out of our accountant.
What's going on?
What? Wait, wait, wait, wait! But
what happened to Lawson Press?
Laxton Press, and that bitch
never called me back, so...
Screw her! She has me.
Wow.
You ladies are living some fucked-up
version of the American dream.
You have to tell me,
what do these guys say?
Is it all like penis in vagina?
Where do the dicks go?
I've had phone anal.
You had phanal? Oh, my
God, I'm so good at that!
Can I work for you guys?
No! It's girls only.
No.
This stinks.
No fair.
I could be the unicorn
this time if you want.
Actually, I was
thinking since we both...
Hey, sorry I wasn't here
for your call at 10:00,
but I had to get
out of this apartment.
You know, it's okay.
I was thinkin'
maybe we could meet up?
In person?
What?
Well, we haven't had
phone sex in a week
and we still
talk every day.
And I loved your essay
and you made it
through my short film.
It's kind of like
we're already dating,
so I thought maybe we could meet up?
Like Friday?
Hello?
I fucked this up.
I'm sorry.
Okay, let's do it.
Really?
You don't have to.
No. No, I want to.
I do, I really want to.
Shaquanda, I can't
wait to meet you.
Oh, yeah.
Urn...
Actually my name
is Katie.
Hello.
Lauren?
Lauren? Lauren?
Hey. What?
What were you
doing in there?
I was working. What?
Did you just
have phone sex?
Do we not run
a phone sex line?
Well, yeah, but...
You slut! You just put
your fingers in your puss!
Ew! No!
You know that a little pony
dies every time you do that.
Did you wash your hands?
Maybe I didn't!
Ew!
Whatever.
You must do it all the time.
Ew. No.
You're not that
good of an actress.
Anyways-...
Urn...
10:00 Sean lives in Brooklyn. That
is not just a billing address.
And now we have
a date on Friday night.
So.
No.
Why not?
I don't know, 'cause
he's probably a rapist.
Oh, please! Don't judge him. You
and I are the ones on the phone.
Please?
I haven't been on
a date in forever.
Now I've had a taste
of the outside world!
I want more!
It's just gonna be
a cool bar in Brooklyn.
I'll come home,
I promise.
Fine. But you
play by my rules.
What are your rules?
You'll see on Friday,
won't you'?
Is that a new shower head?
Yeah.
It pulsates. On my body.
Cute dance.
Okay. That's good.
I, literally, never wanna
see that dance ever again.
Oh! You just blinded me
with that dance.
I am now blinded.
These are the rules.
Step one, put these on.
Way too small for me.
That's the point, okay?
10:00 will never be
able to get in these.
It is rape-prevention
wear at its best.
Oh, for Christ's sake!
Okay, step two.
Bug spray-
What?
I didn't know where to buy
mace and I just figured
it'll do the same thing when
you spray him in the face.
What the hell kind of purse
would that even fit in?
You can borrow my tote.
I've already filled it
with some other stuff.
What, no canned goods
for my survival?
All right, I'll take it. Hell,
throw it in my new tote bag!
I am ready to
survive date rape!
Ta-da!
Can I please get
one drink? Please?
My blood alcohol
level's dangerously low.
No, you're leaving.
Don't make me go. I don't wanna
go back to that apartment.
I'm outside.
Guys!
Is that him?
Is that him?
He looks like
T.T. Barber.
All right, I need you both to,
like, bring it down a notch.
All right? I will
know him when I see him.
Is that him?
Look at that lumberjack.
A lot of bears here.
You like a bear.
I like a bear.
Katie?
Yes.
Hi.
Hi.
Wow! You are really pretty.
And you are
really pretty, too.
I'm sorry. I didn't know
you were bringing people.
That's cool.
These are just my
overprotective friends
that are gonna be
leaving in a second.
I'm Katie's
Lauren. Hello.
Hi.
What's up, man? Jesse Lawson.
Hey.
How are you doing?
Good.
You like comedy?
Do you like to laugh?
Check it out.
You're welcome to come.
It's a $10 cover.
Two drink minimum.
Great.
Yeah.
Okay.
Awesome.
Okay, good.
I'm good, guys.
My word.
Nice to meet you.
Nice meeting you.
Bye.
I'm just gonna
say this.
I do not think
it's weird at all
that you guys met
on a phone sex line.
I don't think it's weird.
'Cause, you know what? Fuck it.
- Life is weird, right?
- Let's go.
No. I was in
the shower this morning
and have you ever
thought about hair?
Think about human hair.
Let's go.
Some's curly, some's...
It's weird.
Bye.
Don't worry about it.
All right.
Sorry. Sweet.
Yes.
Sweet as can be.
And very funny.
Yeah. Well, he's a
comedian, you know, so.
Nice to finally meet you.
All right. Let's do it.
Ready. Okay.
Cheers.
Cheers.
You're right. This is so much more
comfortable than being at the bar.
Can I open my eyes now?
No.
You cannot look at me
and I cannot look at you.
It's easier this way.
Trust me.
You know, I approached two other
girls before I found you.
I met a Christina
and a Lily.
No, you didn't.
I saw you walk in and you
walked right towards me.
No, I know, you're right.
I knew it was you.
You're cute.
You better not be peeking.
I'm not.
Let's open our
eyes anyway, okay?
Okay.
Okay.
Count of three.
One, two, three.
Put it anywhere.
Lauren!
Put it anywhere.
You're home!
How was it?
It was great!
Did you smoke
that whole joint?
Uh-huh.
Tell me about your date.
It was amazing.
It was, like, the best
date I have ever been on.
It was never awkward.
And then we started kissing,
which, by the way, was just...
He was so good.
And then...
What? Did he get
in my Spanx?
No.
What?
Well, I got my period
when I was 12
and I wasn't
close with my mom,
so I called my older,
cooler cousin Wendy
and I went over to her house.
I bike ride-ed over and she
brought me into the bathroom
to do the whole tampon tutorial,
you know what I mean?
And like we're standing
there, legs open, flaps open.
Are you with me?
Mmm-hmm. I'm just stoned.
Okay.
And jamming it up there
and I'm trying to make it fit
and there's blood everywhere
and it just looks like
this horrible murder scene
and I look over and
that's when I see it.
A wart.
You had genital warts
at 12?
Not on me!
On Wendy's left labia!
And she saw me see it.
Obviously I was horrified, and
that's when she said it to me,
"if you don't want one of these,
don't have sex in high school.
"After that, just make sure you're
in love with whoever it is."
And no one was
ever in love with me.
I'm a virgin.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, that can't be true.
Yes, it is.
I've never even
had a boyfriend.
But I went to
college with you.
I thought you
were the school slut.
Well, that's what everyone thought.
But I wasn't doing any of it.
I was just
talking a lot of shit.
And then I just got so scared around
guys, I would just like clam up.
You just...
All the time?
You don't ever?
Just stop looking at me!
I'm just all talk, literally!
Okay.
Tina Fey lost her
virginity at, like, 27.
Okay? And she's
pretty cool, I think.
And you are gonna be
mind-blowing at sex.
I mean, if your body
can keep up with your mouth,
you are gonna make some guy's
head just pop right off his neck.
And being in love
when you do it?
Only gonna make it better.
I have an idea.
Bum-bada-bum!
These are yours.
Use them.
That way,
when you're ready for Sean,
or whoever else is lucky enough
to fall in love with you,
you'll be ready.
Okay.
Maybe not Earl.
How about this one? Kevin.
Thanks, Ren.
1-900-MMM-HMMM.
That's 1-900-M-M-M-H-M-M-M.
And cut!
Yeah, it's still
feeling a little stiff.
Really?
Well, no, I mean, I'd call.
I mean, I already did call.
Maybe you guys
should have a drink.
It doesn't take much,
friend.
Can you get me
a glass of wine, please?
Will you get me a glass
of wine, please, too?
Yeah, fine. I just think a little
bit more like, "Are you alone?"
Well, we'll talk about it. I just
felt like you weren't in the tub.
All right.
We'll do better!
Thank you.
Thank you!
I just
saw your nipple!
I can never find
my keys in this bag.
I don't know why you don't
use that zipper compartment.
Oh, my God.
It's Laxton Press!
Well, I'm not gonna get it. I'm never
talking to that bitch ever again.
No, get it!
I have an idea.
Get it!
Hello? This is
Lauren Powell.
You are a vision in
my dress! My God!
I want to go with you
to the interview.
I can't believe I'm gonna tell
Laxton Press to shove it.
Are you sure I'm
doing the right thing?
Yes!
You have nothing to lose. It's not
like you're gonna work there.
Go in there and tell her what
a good phone fucker you are
and then come home to me
and we can celebrate
'cause it's commercial night!
I have something
I wanna say.
Have you been
masturbating again?
Because you don't have
to tell me every time.
No, no, no, no.
It's not that.
I love you.
Should we hug or something?
Yeah.
Okay!
Okay.
Go have fun at
your bogus interview.
Make that lady feel sorry she never
hired you in the first place.
Hmm.
You're different.
What's going on here?
Oh!
Oh.
I've been running
a phone sex line.
You? Yeah,
that's funny.
For reals?
Is it for charity?
Hi, Jess.
Hi, Katie!
I'm here with Zelda.
Doesn't she look a lot like
a young Carol Channing?
She's so cute.
Hey, who's ready
to put some of
my famous bean dip
in their mouths
while watching the first cut
of our phone sex commercial?
I am! I am!
Ooh-ooh!
Hey, is Lauren back yet?
From her power play
interview? No, not yet.
I have to say, I think
what you guys are doing
is so weird and
Single White Female-y,
but then again, I'm stroking
Zelda like I'm a Bond villain.
So, who am I to
talk about weird?
Did you get the DVD?
Yes,
it's already in the player.
Wait, somebody's here. I got to go.
I can't wait to see you. Bye!
We're back!
Hey.
Hi.
Can we come in?
Yes, yes, please.
Come on in.
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you!
Hey, you.
And you!
We could really use
a strong female editor
that wants to grow
with our company.
Just somebody like you that
understands a good business model.
I know you've had a fun
summer doing phone sex.
It's a phase.
I love a good phase.
I'm a hasbian.
I made love to a woman with
crooked bangs for six months.
Are you following me
back to reality?
'Cause what happens?
What happens when you're
crossing Seventh Avenue,
holding that hot soy latte,
and a cab comes out of nowhere
and just takes you out?
And you don't
have benefits?
Are you really gonna be a phone sex
operator the rest of your life?
Take the job, Lauren.
This place
just looks great.
The balloons are
really festive.
Thank you.
Hard not to
focus on this here.
This...
What? What are you talking about?
Just kidding.
I know.
We're having a bachelorette
party here tonight
and I had 'em and I thought, "Hell,
I'll throw 'em on the table."
Titty fuck me!
Stoop sale.
You get the damnedest
things there.
You guys,
I just wanna tell you
Lauren and I have been having
such an amazing summer.
I honestly feel
like she is my sister.
Which, cha-ching,
makes you guys my parents!
I always wanted normal parents.
Hi.
What time was
her appointment?
2:00.
It was at 2:00.
Man, I cannot wait to
hear about that, huh?
Hi. Another surprise visit?
There's my girl!
Honey, my goodness, what
are you wearing, sweetie?
I can see your bra.
Never mind. Sweetheart,
you get the job?
How was it?
It was really good.
It was a great interview.
They actually offered me
the job right on the spot.
I know, it has insurance
and a 401 plan.
The position is really,
really fantastic.
So...
So I took it.
This is great news!
We have to celebrate!
Are you serious?
Honey, I am so proud.
Why don't you change
and we'll all go
have a big lunch
at Sarabeth's.
Put on something
that fits
'cause you know we always run
into Daddy's work friends there.
Katie, why don't you
come to my room with me
and you can help me
pick out an outfit,
and I'll tell you
more about the job.
I'm sure you'll be
fine on your own.
Okay.
Mom, Dad.
I would love to tell you more
about our special summer
because Lauren has been so shy
about it, but at our party tonight
we were gonna have a screening
of something we made
and I would love to
share it with you. Please.
Sure.
Come with me, will you?
Oh! So exciting!
I love an audience.
Oh, hi.
It's nice to see you.
Do you ever wonder why
you're alone in the tub?
It's so lonely when you're
in the tub alone, isn't it?
You don't have to
be so lonely anymore.
If you have one of these.
You can just
give me a call.
The bubbles were all
her idea, by the way.
I mean, she's a smart
cookie, that one.
I'm gonna be sick.
What the hell is
wrong with you?
What? I was just
catching your parents up
on what a beautiful
summer we've had.
While we're at it, should I tell
them about how Morty fired you'?
Or do you wanna tell them? Oops!
Cat's out of the bag, sorry.
I should have never
moved in with you.
If you'll excuse me,
I have an errand to run.
It's dirty money.
Okay. I know that you're really
more of a business manager
and you're not actually
listening to guys...
I know you're mad.
Just because you don't give
a shit about your parents
doesn't mean
I don't care about mine.
I know.
And I'm sorry. Okay?
No. No, it is not okay!
You lied to me!
I did not know that
I was gonna take that job.
And it's not even that big of a deal.
I can still help out here.
Well, don't
do me any favors.
If you were my real friend, you would
understand why I took that job.
Excuse me! Real friend?
I am not the one that
lied to my partner today.
That's hilarious, because last time I
checked, you lied about being a whore.
I go off and I do
one thing by myself
and you prove to be
some insecure virgin.
You make me feel like I will
never be good enough for you.
So why don't you and your
shit get out of my apartment?
This is our apartment.
I told you I loved you
this morning.
And you were too
scared to say it back.
I wasn't too scared.
I just don't love you.
Who wants some bean dip?
Oh, yeah,
that feels good.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I want you to
finger-bang me in the shower.
Uh...
Why don't you just flip me
over and do me from behind?
Are you even listening?
No, I do like it.
It's so depressing.
You know, I call you,
I get one phone call a week.
This is
so fucking depressing.
This is more depressing than the
macaroni necklace that my kid sends me.
What the shit am I supposed
to do with that in here?
Just tell me
what you want.
Well, what I want, Sandy,
is for you to get your head
in the fucking game!
That's what I want!
What I want is for you to start
taking Discover card again.
That's the one
we use in here.
What I want is for you
to keep doing two on ones.
What I want is to not have to
make a dildo out of soap, okay'?
It hurts!
It takes a long time.
But you know that's not
what we all get.
We don't all get that.
But now what I'm gonna have to
do, what I didn't want to do,
is go to your house
and steal your fucking dog,
and then steal your car.
And then, when you come
outside to look for your dog,
you'll say, "Oh, where's my dog?
Where's my dog?"
Oh, barn! I'm gonna
hit you with my car!
I'm gonna vehicular manslaughter
you because that is what I do.
That's what I do.
I don't even have a car.
I'll lick your pussy.
No, you don't wanna do that.
We don't get razors in here.
Kind of lost the
mood now, anyway.
Lauren.
Happy hour.
Ruby Foo's. Sake bombs.
4:00 to 7:00, half price,
all the apps you can eat.
Hot Asian guys. Let's go.
Okay, just
give me a minute.
I have a plan.
Yeah?
Yeah. My lease is up soon.
I could move in here
with you.
Ohh.
Yeah. No.
We're not there yet.
But thanks for offering.
We should probably, like, have
sex before we live together.
Yes. That's a great idea.
Not today. But...
...soon.
Thank you so much for
letting me stay here.
I promise, I'm gonna
find a place so soon.
No, I totally
like having you here.
I love having my own living space, though.
But, you know.
God, this Greek yogurt
is so good.
Who is that?
I'm gonna take this.
I'll be right back.
Who is that?
Who is it?
Oh, girl. Who has
she replaced me with?
You're never gonna
replace me, are you?
'Cause I love you.
Do you have any tens?
No, I do not.
You must go fish.
Do you have any sixes?
Yes! Do you
have any fives?
This is stupid.
Stop being such
a girl and call Lauren.
Let's have sex.
Come on.
Okay.
Oh, wow.
Now what?
And the wine and the cheese
and the gelato and...
Just everything about it was so fresh.
It was vivacious.
And so, on this one day, I
decided to take a little stroll.
You know,
I'm feeling high on life.
You know, the case is going
great, so I walk up this hill
and I'm walking up,
and all of a sudden
I see this little
shoe shop in the corner.
Okay, and I'm walking in and this old
couple, they fall in love with me.
I mean, they just take me in
like I'm their own.
The old woman, you know,
she's probably 82,
she starts making
risotto and it smells...
You would love it,
it smells so good.
And the old man, he gets
out this old contraption
and he starts
measuring my feet.
And then it starts
raining outside, pouring.
So I said to the guy,
"Listen, I got to go.
"You know, thank you. I had a great time.
I got to leave."
And he grabs my shoe
and he won't let me go.
And he...
LN'
How's the new job?
How's that?
It's good. It's really good.
I'm learning...
That's great. Listen.
I forgot to tell you. They
are grooming me for partner
now that I saved
the job in Italy.
And, you know, I'm kind
of enjoying the job now.
Kind of a thing,
so that's good.
You Okay?
Mmm-hmm.
Is that okay?
Sorry, I get a little...
I'm just so nervous.
It's okay.
It's okay, just...
Just relax.
You know what?
I have an idea.
No, just get it.
I'll only be one second.
Hello?
Hello.
Well, this is silly.
Mmm-hmm.
You feel so good.
I've been wanting to do this since
the first time I heard your voice.
I've wanted this, too.
Yeah, after I saved
that case in Italy they thought,
"Okay, this is a guy we've
got to make something of."
Look, Lauren, there is a reason
that I asked to see you today.
And that's because I realized
that I made a mistake.
I should have
never left you.
You're my person.
I am?
I'm gonna
shoot you straight.
When I was in Italy,
I had a brief yet intense
relationship with a Sicilian woman.
Okay? And at first,
it was exhilarating.
The passion was immense.
But then the fighting
would start, Laur, and...
And slaps across my face, screaming,
and doors slamming, and...
It was exhausting.
And I started to think about
you and what I love about you.
And you're so simple.
You know?
Lauren, I want you
back in my life.
Back in my apartment. I got a
place on the Upper East Side.
Come home with me.
Babe, bring the NuvaRing.
You know? I wanna feel it.
You're an asshole.
I'm leaving.
Wait, no.
Okay, I'm not an asshole.
Yes, Lauren,
I was an asshole.
But now it's out of my system
and I want you back.
You know, you've been
calling me for months.
I made a lot of calls
this summer, Charlie.
Turns out you were right. We were boring.
And you still are.
You're not my person.
You were never my person.
I think I just came.
I love Lauren.
But I'm inside of you.
I know.
I think I might
love you, too.
But she would be so
proud of me right now.
And I just wanna tell her,
but I can't tell her.
Because I hate her
and she hates me, so.
I think
I love you, too.
Now call her.
Do it.
Hey, it's Lauren.
Sorry I missed your call.
Leave me a message
and I'll call you back.
What the fuck?
Hi, it's Katie.
Leave a message.
Really?
Fuck! See?
It's me.
Please don't hang up.
I love you.
I love you!
And I'm out of breath because
you've been running through my mind
all day and I'm coming!
I'm coming!
"m Coming! I'm coming!
You're coming to me?
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Are you close?
I'm so close.
I'm down the street.
I wanna be with you.
Please let me come inside.
I want you to come inside.
I want you!
I want you so hard!
Come to me! Come to me!
I love you back!
I love you, too!
I think I love you.
I know
I love you, but...
Okay, I can't
stop saying it!
I'm close!
I'm so close!
Here I come!
Oh, this feels so good!
I know! I know!
I love you.
I love you. I love you.
Now I can't
stop saying it!
Where are you?
I'm here!
I missed you!
I missed you.
You're so sweaty!
I just ran 11 blocks
in heels!
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You know I love you.
I don't know why I didn't say it
that morning and I should have.
No. I was wrong to take the
job without talking to you.
Of course you took the job. What
are you gonna do, not take it?
Who am I to stand in the way
of your dream job?
Can I come home?
Obvs.
But what are you wearing?
What are you, like the
Gramercy Park flasher now?
Charlie called me
and I went to see him
and I thought that
I would wear this
because I thought
that maybe he would like it.
Oh, my God!
Who wears this?
All right.
Let's get you inside and
put on something sensible.
Oh, my God! Speaking of
letting people inside...
I let Sean inside, my vagina!
We just had sex!
Oh, my God!
I mean, "ow" at first,
but then out of this world.
I have to hear
all the details.
Oh, I have details.
Like, who knew their stuff runs
right out as soon as they're done?
And it's so warm.
I got some running
down my leg right now!