For Sale By Exorcist (2025) Movie Script
1
(INDISTINCT WHISPERS)
SUSAN:
In all my born days,
I ain't never seen a house
go through as much
as this property right here.
9 murders, 3 suicides,
fire and brimstone
right where we're yapping.
Good heavens,
if these walls could talk,
they'd probably curse you out
in backwards Latin.
The current owners believe
it's still home
to demonic forces.
They swore me up
and down that every night
at 3:00 a.m. they hear
the sound of a woman cackling.
(LAUGHING)
SUSAN:
But of course, when they look,
there's no signs
of anyone beside them.
Poor folks brought in a priest
to bless the house
and that's when whatever
was haunting 'em
-got madder than a wet hen.
-(GLASS SHATTERS)
Storms shattered the bay window
and they found three
-crows o n the floor...
-(CROW CAWING)
...each with its head
torn clear off.
Their puppy dog would bark at an
-empty wall until it wet...
-(DOG BARKING)
...itself in fright.
Mom found the family Bible
burnt up something awful
in the fireplace.
When Dad found his sweet
6-year-old daughter hovering
over him and the missus
with a butcher knife in one hand
and the devil dancing
in her eyes,
they knew it was time to sell.
But you know what?
I'm gonna get y'all
a great deal on this house.
()
WILLIE:
Woo-hoo!
Happy Halloween,
boys and ghouls.
This is your ghost host,
Wild Willie.
And what better way
to celebrate
this most devilish day
of the year
than to talk about
haunted houses.
But you know
what I've always wondered?
CHILD: (ON RECORDING)
I don't know.
What?
If your house is haunted
and you've got to sell,
who are you gonna call?
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
(CHUCKLES)
Well, look no further,
because our guest this morning
is Ms. Susan Price,
a real estate agent
and certified exorcist.
So tell us, Susan,
how does this all work?
You take the dead out
and you move the living in?
You're not too far off
the mark there, Willie.
WILLIE:
Oh. Honey, please.
It's Wild.
Wild Willie!
AUTOMATED VOICE:
The Wild Willie Show.
(CHUCKLES)
So typically,
I'm approached by sellers
who have a haunted property
that needs cleansing
and I work with specialists
to guide the entity out
of the dwelling
and skedaddle them
to their final resting place.
WILLIE: (ON RADIO)
Hmm, what's that,
like a Motel 12?
(LAUGHTER)
If it's a spirit,
we guide 'em towards the light.
-Mm.
-If it's demonic forces,
then we must perform
an exorcism.
Ooh. Now-- now when you say
specialists, what's that?
Oh, typically,
I work with clergy.
Other times I bring
in other mediums.
What about larges and double Xs?
You know,
we don't body shame here
on the Wild Willie Show.
(LAUGHTER)
So uh, tell me, how long
you been doing this?
About seven years now.
Mostly residential.
But I have had some success
on the commercial side.
Your brewery is haunted...
(SCREAMING IN BACKGROUND)
...by a prohibitionist.
So why even get into
the real estate side of things?
Why not just run with
this ghost whisper business?
(SUSAN CLEARS THROAT)
Everyone needs to find somewhere
where they belong.
It really dills my pickle
to help the living purchase
their dream home
and I'm happy as a lark
with getting the deceased
to move on
to the great hereafter.
But how do you know
that's where they're headed?
I mean, we can't all be angels,
right?
(LAUGHS)
Now these folks filming
here today, what's this,
for some type of TV show?
Actually, it's a documentary.
Hmm.
Hey, so do you guys actually
believe this weirdo?
SUSAN:
That ignorant yank.
You know,
I blew off an open house
in Salem, Massachusetts.
Witches were hanged
in the backyard there.
But no, like a dimwit,
I take a red eye to Wilmington
to get heckled
by a walking spray tan.
(SUSAN GRUNTS)
If we don't hit traffic,
we should get
to the Richmond Blood Phantom
by 2:00.
So you guys really think
I'm a weirdo?
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
()
(COW MOOING)
INTERVIEWER:
Tell us how all this started.
What came first, the ghosts
or the real estate?
Oh. Death's been chasing me
since I was knee-high
to a grasshopper.
My mama died giving birth
and my daddy,
let's just say his rooster slid
into a slew of hen houses,
so I was raised by my Meemaw.
And she taught me early
that I had the gift.
She'd catch me talking
to my imaginary friends,
but even then I knew
what they were.
They were lost souls.
INTERVIEWER:
So why did you get
into real estate?
Meemaw and I moved around a lot.
She worked odd jobs,
so we were always traipsing
from town to town,
playing hopscotch across
the country.
So an address
wasn't a home to me.
Wherever my Meemaw was,
that was my home.
INTERVIEWER:
So where's your Meemaw live now?
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
SUSAN:
So this here has been one
of the toughest projects
I have ever had.
We can't keep anyone here
for longer than six months.
Last family just up and left
in the middle of the night,
left all their animals here.
Story is Christmas of '89,
farmer just went nuttier
than squirrel turds, hacked up
his whole family,
scribbled a suicide note
on the wall in blood,
and they didn't find the bodies
for a month.
Left a stench
that would gag a maggot.
But it's got great bones.
-I mean they just--
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(DEREK GRUNTS)
Oh no.
Why are you giving me
that look?
I don't want that look, Derek.
Cheese and crackers.
Derek has painted that wall
12 times now.
And that dang old blood
just keeps on coming back.
Oh hell, just paint it red,
I guess.
Yeah.
Yeah, just paint it red.
You hear that, old MacDonald?
Derek here ain't afraid of you.
He's gonna paint it red.
This house is getting sold here.
Probably to some rustic hipster
who will love having
a dead-old pickle-puss like you
sharing his space.
Yeah, he'll love it.
It'll be ironic like PBR
and trucker caps.
The dead are just like
the living.
Stubborn.
Sometimes they need a little
boot in the hiney.
What the--
Now here's a man
I can negotiate with.
So when Meemaw passed on,
I was devastated and trying
to find an answer on
what to do with myself.
So I went seeking guidance
and my Meemaw spelled out
the name of a real estate
agency in Shreveport.
Warren Holzer had been selling
houses in Louisiana
for quarter a century,
had no reason to give
the time of day
to a hayseed like me,
but he did.
And I got the worst assignments
imaginable.
Real dumps that would make
roaches weep.
But there was one property
that the office couldn't sell
for the life of 'em.
It was a three-story colonial
out in the sticks.
Pretty as a picture
with a history
that was anything but.
It was home to a cult
of longhairs back in the '60s.
Real anti-establishment,
anti-deodorant types.
So when Nixon was elected,
they took turns
drowning each other in the lake
behind the house.
INTERVIEWER:
So it was haunted?
Haunted is an understatement.
At first families just reported
the smell of incense and BO,
but that escalated into
nightly hallucinations.
Disembodied entities waking up
families asking
to bum cigarettes.
After three separate
fumigation attempts,
the whole place still smelled
like patchouli.
INTERVIEWER:
How'd you handle it?
Ghost hunters,
demonologists, psychics.
We lit candles
and I hired someone
who could play
In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida
on a church organ.
I even had channeling sessions
connecting spirits with mediums
and drug counselors.
And it worked.
We cleansed that dwelling
and there have been no reported
haunting since.
INTERVIEWER:
So you're finding homes
for everyone, living
and otherwise.
But can I ask,
where do you call home?
()
SUSAN:
To be honest,
I don't really have
a traditional home.
Checking for bedbugs.
I guess the road is my home.
Checking for shadow people.
I'm always catching flights,
taking overnight trips.
I mean, I am licensed
in 12 different states.
It's really not that bad.
(WOMAN PANTING)
Sure has its moments.
Left my toothbrush
in Wilmington.
(COUPLE PANTING, MOANING)
SUSAN:
But what I lacked
in a stable home base,
I make up for in
Motel 12 loyalty rewards
and complimentary guest Wi-Fi.
(SIGHS)
INTERVIEWER:
Don't you think
it's ironic though,
a real estate agent
without a home?
Susan, I'm very glad you
decided to come see me again.
Is this good?
But I prefer the cameras
weren't in the session,
because they could affect
your behavior.
My behavior?
As long as you're honest
with yourself.
-(GRUNTS)
-Now what's on your mind?
I got my thoughts and feelings
all tangled up, Doc.
Hmm.
Are you still having qualms
about astral projection?
-No.
-Okay.
Is it about the past life
where you were married
to one of your relatives?
(SUSAN CLEARS THROAT)
Doc, I'm starting to feel lost.
Like last year's Easter egg.
I mean, I-- I--
I travel constantly.
Maybe it's time to settle down
and find a home of my own.
Well, you certainly are busy.
Technically, our appointment
was eight months ago.
(PHONE RINGING)
Dr. Zaffin, I'm so sorry,
I've got to take this.
(TAKES DEEP BREATHS)
Hey Ed, what's up?
Really?
I could be there by 7:00,
does that work?
Okay.
Leaving already?
It's a murder specter
in Morgantown.
Do you know how hard it is
to get in that area?
This was so helpful, Doc.
Really, I really appreciate you.
()
My buddy Ed's been trying
to sell this place
for a few months now,
but there is some force
that just doesn't want to leave.
This ain't no murder specter.
They've had six showings,
and every time a red-blooded
American male
walks through that door,
he complains about getting--
INTERVIEWER:
What?
Forgive me, but I am a lady.
INTERVIEWER:
What do they complain about?
He complains about
getting groped.
-INTERVIEWER: Groped?
-You know,
goosed,
fondled,
some phantom force comes
and tickles him in the, Maypole?
But the weirdest part,
oh, the weirdest part,
come check this out.
The lipstick.
Yeah, come on.
The couple keeps finding these
messages all over the house.
Now they've installed
security cameras above
every possible entrance.
Nothing.
No one enters, no one leaves,
but every once in a while,
a door will open
of its own accord,
and boom, there's a fresh one.
INTERVIEWER:
Can we speak
to the current owners?
Those two fight like
a couple badgers
in a pickle barrel,
but I'll try.
Our lives were perfect
until we moved into this house.
Until you started seeing
another woman.
Geri, there's no other woman.
GERI:
Really, Glen?
I was constantly finding
lipstick on his collar
and then I would wake up
in the middle of the night
hearing some woman
whispering his name.
She was in the bedroom with him?
No, he was FaceTiming her
while I was sleeping.
-Is that true?
-No, I swear, I'm faithful.
Um, when you were living here,
how did you feel?
Did you feel drained?
Drained?
I bet he did.
Please stop,
this is being recorded.
Now, what I think we have here,
folks,
is a succubus.
A sucked his what?
SUSAN:
A succubus is a female demon
that preys
on the energy of men.
I'm gonna need to bring in
a specialist.
You are gonna love this guy.
Father Doyle was
a Catholic priest
for decades before he found
his niche in demonology.
Of course,
the Archdiocese wasn't too keen
on all his methods.
INTERVIEWER:
Is that why he left?
That,
and he's what Meemaw would call,
"Cotillion ready".
DOYLE:
You know,
you're really not supposed
to wear the official garments
unless you're an active member
of the clergy.
But this collar, it really
accentuates my jawline.
And frankly,
the black is so slimming.
(STEPS REACHING)
Alright now,
is there any particular spot
where we should get started?
The bedroom.
Easy, tiger.
At least, pour me a drink first.
(LAUGHS)
See, she gets it.
SUSAN:
You're bad.
DOYLE:
Listen here, Jezebel.
By the time
we're through with you,
you'll be banished to hell
in time to work the third shift
at the underworld's
shittiest Applebee's.
(BREATHS HEAVILY)
In the name of the Father,
and of the Son,
and of the Holy Spirit,
most glorious Prince
of the heavenly armies,
Saint Michael, the Archangel,
defend us in our battle against
the powers
and the principalities
of the rulers of this world
of darkness,
and all of the wicked spirits,
the-- the wicked spirits
in the high places.
(WHIMPERS, GASPS)
()
Is that-- is that yours?
No!
(EXHALES)
Please, Father, let's continue.
DOYLE:
We drive you from us,
whoever you may be,
unclean spirits,
all satanic powers,
all infernal invaders,
all wicked legions,
assemblies, and a--
GERI:
What is wrong with you?
You're making her angry.
She's-- she's pinching me.
DOYLE:
Most cunning serpent,
you shall no more dare
to deceive the human race,
nor persecute the church,
nor torment God's elect.
he's-- she's squeezing my dick.
(GRUNTS)
You leave us alone.
You-- you homewrecker.
(SCREAMS)
Thus, cursed dragon,
and all you diabolical legions,
we abjure you in the name
of the true God,
and of the living God,
and of the Holy God.
Stop deceiving human creatures
by pouring into them the poison
of eternal damnation.
Deliver us, deliver us, Lord,
from all wickedness,
in the name of the Father...
and of the Son...
and the Holy Ghost.
(PANTING)
Let us pray.
Amen.
Oh, baby, are you okay?
Is it over?
Is she gone?
We still got more work to do,
but the worst is behind us.
(LAUGHS)
Let's get some ice.
Some for some drinks
and some for those balls.
(TAKING DEEP BREATHS)
SUSAN:
Situations like this can really
bring people together.
Geri and Glen made up,
and now they don't want
to sell the house anymore.
And you know, that happens.
It's fine.
And I am happy for them.
But I do need to get myself
and Father Doyle paid.
GERI:
What the shit is this?
This is for our services
that you agreed to.
Closing cost?
We're not selling.
Right.
That's not closing, closing.
That's closing a gateway
to hell.
And there is a cost attached
to that.
You have got to be kidding me.
Oh, ma'am.
My Meemaw raised me never
to joke about gateways to hell,
so let's quit piddling
and get y'all to sign.
And if we don't?
Sure, we can summon
that demon right back for you.
You wouldn't.
I wouldn't.
I have a Norwegian
black metal band that I bring in
for projects like that.
They're touring the States
right now.
It wouldn't even take 'em long
to get here.
Fucking hell.
GERI:
I hope your little
tickle parties
were worth it, Glen.
()
(SIGHS)
AMANDA: (ON TV)
This phenomenal house
in Berkeley Springs,
West Virginia
just hit the market
and the asking price
is a real steal.
It's perfect
for a young couple ready
to live it out.
Once they see this house,
they'll be halfway home.
SUSAN:
Oh, this gal.
Pretty as a pumpkin
and about half as smart.
AMANDA: (ON TV)
Hey there, guys.
Glad you could creep out
of the graveyard
for a little while.
So, ready to check out
the house?
Does that mean-- I'm sorry.
I hate for y'all to see me be
so ugly right now.
But she don't have an inkling
as to what those two want.
Oh.
Bless your heart.
This is the problem
with most realtors.
They're always forcing their
vision onto their clients.
Like it's not
a one-size-fits-all.
It's about listening.
And finding a place that really
speaks to your clients.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
That's the pizza I ordered.
I hope y'all like pepperoni.
I'm here for the cuddle fest.
(SIGHS)
SUSAN:
Next door.
Have a good night.
I can't keep living like this.
When you're looking
for a new home,
there are certain questions you
gotta ask yourself.
How much are you willing
to spend?
What size and type of dwelling?
Where is it located?
And are there any special
amenities you want?
For me,
price really isn't a big issue.
If I can talk a banshee out
of an Irish pub,
I can negotiate a good deal.
Size?
I've been living out
of hotel rooms
for over a month of Sundays.
So at this point,
I'll be happy if I can make
a meal that doesn't involve
a microwave.
Location?
Well, for starters,
it cannot be near
any ancient burial grounds
or hellmouths.
Where?
That's the humdinger.
Well, I do need somewhere
that's close to an airport
and the...
(CHUCKLES)
And the highway.
But I also want energy.
Activity.
I really want somewhere
that feels alive.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(SIGHS)
He did not mention the cemetery
in the listing.
At least, they're not hiding
under the floorboards, right?
(SIGHS)
Morning there.
You must be Susan.
House was built in the '20s.
Only two owners
before the current one.
All new electric put in
about five years ago.
Fully-finished basement.
Walking distance from the park.
At the asking price,
it's a great deal.
(CHUCKLES)
Take a look around.
If you need me,
I'll be over here.
Thank you.
()
(INDISTINCT WHISPERS)
Ooh, oh wait.
Do you feel that?
There's like a cold spot
right here.
Oh, it's a vent.
Nevermind.
Hmm.
(DOOR CREAKING)
(INDISTINCT WHISPERS)
I'm picking up something mighty
queer on my EVP recorder.
I finagled this doohickey
to monitor sounds in the cellar.
Basements
are notoriously haunted
and I don't need no boo hag
ogling me
while I'm down here
doing my yoga.
(INDISTINCT WHISPERS)
It's faint,
like a wicked little whisper.
Here, sweet Pete,
you're the expert.
Come listen to this.
Right?
Oh, jeezum,
Pete's dang phone
Bluetoothing
one of my ASMR videos.
I use 'em to sleep.
Thank you for your time,
Mr. Freeling.
TOBE:
You bet ya.
Any questions?
No, um, this is actually
the first place
I've taken a gander at,
so I got a lot to think about,
but when I'm ready to talk--
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Um, I'll be in touch.
Mirrors break by themselves
frequently around here?
Not that I've seen.
Could I trouble you
for some salt?
-Beg your pardon?
-Salt?
We should toss some
over our shoulder,
turn around three times
to ward off--
Uh, I might have some adobo.
(STEPS FALLING)
Could work.
Mm-mm.
Something ain't right in there.
I can't quite put my finger
on it,
but I got a mighty strong
impression that I ain't welcome.
I mean, my bones itch a little.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(SIGHS)
Well, no need
to let a minor ruckus
sink my sails.
Tomorrow I'm getting serious.
I got a heapin' helpin'
of frequent flyer miles,
and it's time mama collects.
()
Ectoplasm I can handle.
But that there's raising
some red flags.
Y'all see that there?
That is black mold.
Could be a sign
of demonic activity.
Or water damage.
Either way, it's not good.
()
Meemaw says no.
God, crazy.
38 houses in four days
and not a winner in the bunch?
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
I need some sort of sign.
But I'd settle
for a little treat.
What do y'all think,
cheddar sour cream
or honey barbecue?
Ain't she pretty as all get-out.
Oh, I'm sensing good things.
I think I'm having
a premonition.
She is a beaut.
But you know,
let's not get our hopes up.
Looks can be deceivin'.
Like this time I listed this
cute little hair salon
down in Asheville
that was crawling with demons.
I cast ye out.
Rinse. Repeat.
I cast ye out.
Rinse. Repeat.
(EXHAILING)
Here we go.
(CLEARS THROAT)
May I help you?
Hi there.
Oh, good heavens.
Are you from
Publishers Clearing House?
Did we finally do it?
No, ma'am.
Oh, uh, why are you filming?
Oh, um, I'm Susan.
I'm here to see the house.
We're making a documentary.
You don't mind, do you?
Oh, you kids and the TikToks.
Now come on in. Come on in.
We have lived here 39 years.
33 of them were wonderful.
And then my husband retired.
(PATTY CHUCKLES)
So here we go. Not my choice.
Pleasure, sir.
Now, don't get me wrong.
This is a wonderful house.
But we're getting older
and it's a lotta upkeep.
So we put it on the market
and we're gonna move into
a retirement community...
-Oh.
-...down the road.
Retirement community.
Oh, I don't know
what you are so sour about.
Do you want me to continue
keeping up the garden
and hanging up
the Christmas lights?
You can barely pour
your cereal.
The house was built in the '20s,
but we have kept up
with renovations as needed
over the years.
()
PATTY:
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
It's useful,
it's not just decorative.
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
...The flooring is,
and we've got this--
-SUSAN: I sure do.
-PATTY: Isn't that beautiful?
Original. Original.
-SUSAN: Patty.
-PATTY: Yeah.
So that just about does it.
Do you have any questions?
I mean,
I could ramble on all day.
(CHUCKLES)
Any unusual occurrences?
Strange phenomena?
Strange phenomena.
About 10 years ago,
we started hearing this noise
in the attic.
I mean, dreadful noise.
We couldn't sleep a wink.
We heard it every single night.
Do you think it was gh--
Possums. Yeah.
Those beady-eyed little buggers.
They got in through the roof.
Oh, don't worry.
We hired an exterminator,
fixed the roof,
haven't had a pest sighting
since.
Unless you count my husband.
(LAUGH)
BLT.
Oh, well, I am very interested.
Have you had any other buyers
swing through?
Bacon, lettuce, tomato.
I know what a BLT is, Bruce.
WTF.
I'm talking to Susan.
Who?
One young woman stopped by
last week and saw the place,
but we haven't had an offer yet.
With a pickle?
There are no pickles, Bruce.
Patty, I'm gonna get back to you
quicker than
a knife-fighting outhouse.
I'll have an answer
to you mighty soon.
Well, that'd be wonderful, dear.
(LAUGHS)
What happened
to all the pickles?
You ate them.
Y'all!
I think that's the house I want!
Oof. Mm.
There was maybe something
cattywampus.
I don't know if y'all picked up
on that.
Just like an angry presence,
maybe.
It's probably just
Patty's husband.
Yeah, you know what?
I'm probably just psyching
myself out.
I'm gonna rest my peepers
and make
my decision first thing
tomorrow morning.
That's what I'm gonna do.
Nighty-night.
(GASPS)
Gallopin' griddlecake!
Somebody robbed me!
(TAKING DEEP BREATHS)
God!
Oh.
They didn't take anything!
Everything is here!
INTERVIEWER:
Are you sure?
I mean,
my jewelry, my laptop!
It's all safe!
Thrown around a bit,
but fine as frog's hair!
Who would do this?
INTERVIEWER:
Are you sure it was a person?
What are you suggesting?
INTERVIEWER:
Like are you sure it was
a living person?
Y'all mind if I bunk
with the crew tonight?
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
I'm buying that house.
Just gonna finish putting on
my face.
Then I'm driving down there
to make an offer.
'Cause I'm done living out
of suitcases.
And there just ain't no way
I am gonna start exorcising
every hotel room
that I walk in to.
Whew!
Y'all ready?
Thunder turtles!
Crust on a cracker! Patty!
I told you I'd make an offer!
I am sorry.
I'm so sorry.
But Miss Duncan here's
made an offer.
Amanda Duncan.
Hi there, sweetie.
Wanna take a selfie?
Where's your phone?
I don't want a selfie.
-I want this house!
-Sorry, hon.
I just helped close on it
for two little lovebirds
starring
in this season's premiere.
Wait till you see what we do
with the basement.
-That's my fitness center!
-Now, Susan!
Ear down, Patty!
I'm fixing a deal here!
What do you want?
My clients just bought.
They're not selling.
Well, they can spit fire
and keep the matches.
I'm getting this house!
Why do you look familiar?
I've seen you on the news.
These spirits were restless.
You're that weirdo that flips
haunted houses!
(LAUGHS)
Name your price.
PATTY:
Susan!
Are you a ghostbuster?
I thought that was make belie--
Now, now, Patty!
Listen, Amanda,
I'm sure we can strike a deal.
A trade of some sort.
I'm licensed in 12 states.
I like your moxie.
I had a couple
from the season 4 finale,
my only episode that ever ended
without a sale.
The network wants them back
this season for a follow-up,
but last time those freaks
weren't happy
with a single showing.
They're weird.
Like you.
If you can get them to close
on a house
in the next three weeks,
then maybe, just maybe,
I might convince my clients
to sell.
For a simple 20% markup.
(SCOFFS)
20%?
Take it or leave it, sweetie.
Find these people a house
they love in three weeks, hmm?
By midnight on the 30th.
Who's the couple?
LUCIAN:
We want something old.
KASSANDRA:
But elegant.
LUCIAN:
Perhaps Victorian.
KASSANDRA:
But not puritanical.
As you can tell, we have
a very specific aesthetic.
We appreciate the darker side
of the human experience.
And we want a home
that reflects that.
Got it.
And what's your price range?
Money is no object.
His father is a congressman.
And y'all want to stay
in this general area?
Not necessarily.
For the right dwelling,
we would migrate.
Like bats.
(LAUGHS)
Do bats migrate?
Alrighty.
Well, one option immediately
comes to mind.
KASSANDRA:
The view is divine.
LUCIAN:
Undeniably.
It would remind us daily about
the temporal constraints
of this mortal coil.
Sure is a hoot.
Come on, let's see the rest
of the house.
Oh, the electric has been
redone
in the past five years.
Fully-finished basement.
Plus, it's walking distance
from the park.
Thoughts?
Feelings?
Come on, partners, you've gotta
work with me here.
What's not sitting right?
The furnishings are so mundane.
SUSAN:
They're the sellars.
They'll be gone.
Imagine this house
with all your stuff. Hmm?
All your creepy, kooky,
cobweb-covered stuff.
Picture the two of you
walking through this room
like a couple of sexy Draculas.
Mm.
Feel better?
Has anyone died in this house?
Died?
I don't know.
Let's ask the sellar's agent.
Hey Tobe!
Have there been any murders
in this house?
Murders?
I'm sorry, murders?
You asked me
if anyone died here.
From what I understand,
the current owner's mother
died peacefully
in her sleep last year.
God bless.
But no murders.
How about suicides?
Any suicides?
Oh, for crying out loud,
come on!
Ancient sigils carved
into the foundations.
Not that I'm aware.
Do you ever get the feeling
that you're being watched?
Okay, y'all, we're leaving now.
Mm. Bye, Tobe!
What kind of questions
were those?
Murders? Suicides?
What, are y'all looking
to buy a haunted house?
Are you psychic?
Oh, good grief.
Y'all two found
the right realtor.
I'm a certified exorcist.
I find houses, cleanse 'em,
and sell 'em.
Wait.
Really?
Would I lie to you, Buttercup?
Did y'all even glance
at my business card?
Listen, I'll find you
a haunted house.
It's as simple as waiting
for my phone to ring.
Well, don't rush on my account.
(LAUGHS)
(PHONE RINGS)
Susan Price.
Telemarketer.
Hold your horses there,
Morticia.
I'm fixing to call
in the cavalry.
Father, how are ya?
I'm okay.
Listen,
I got two buyers who are looking
for an uncleansed property
with a spiritual infestation.
Yep, they actually want
to buy a haunted house.
I reckon you may have
some ideas?
Well, that ain't a bad idea.
Let me pitch it to 'em.
Yeah, I'll call you back
in a bit.
Bye-bye.
That was my demonologist friend.
You know what, I think
we may have a spot for ya.
It's got more spirits than
a New Orleans liquor mart.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
This house is haunted?
Oh, it's utterly bewitched,
my dear.
This property reeks
of heartache and torment.
The walls breathe
a distinct musk
of terror and pain.
Let's take a peek inside,
shall we?
(DOOR OPENS)
Oh, what is that?
Smells like a Yankee candle.
Yes, that's her, alright.
Her?
What you're smelling
are the beloved aromas
of Sally Rexford,
the dearly departed homemaker
that once resided
in this humble abode.
It was April 6, 1997,
when Sally snapped.
Whether it was a shortage
of Valium
or her fruit smoothie went
sour, regardless,
she shot her corporate executive
husband square in the chest.
And then later, she strangled
her 7-year-old son
with his yo-yo.
She took the corpses,
chopped them up,
and combined the flesh
with cookie dough,
where she baked a
putrid batch of oatmeal raisin
meat wafers.
She deposited these morbid
little morsels
on a neighbor's doorstep,
returned home,
and then she blew
her brains out.
Six different residents
have tried to live here,
but the spirits
just won't let them.
The murdered and the murderer
are forever trapped
in this middle-class prison.
But not too much of a prison.
There are lots of windows,
fresh air,
I mean,
wait till you see the deck,
the backyard is huge.
What are the hauntings like?
Mm. On the low end,
the saccharine sweet stench
of Sally's hand soap
and mall kiosk potpourri.
-And on the high end?
-DOYLE: Hmm.
Some residents have experienced
being possessed by the
spirit of Sally and harboring
an overwhelming compulsion
to kill.
How cute.
What's upstairs?
The little boy's room.
Yes, the ghosts of children
are particularly troublesome.
Doomed to wander
this earthly plane
without a mother and father
to guide them.
Oh, the poor dear,
he's all alone.
Hmm, perhaps this house would be
a perfect fit for you two
and you can be the parents
this spirit
so desperately needs.
We don't want kids.
Well, we haven't really
discussed that, Lucian.
Right, we haven't really--
Let's go see the kitchen!
(STEPS FALLING)
All new appliances.
The previous owners really
gussied the place up.
Yes, right before the husband
burned his fingers off
in a tragic accident.
Snickerdoodle?
Oh.
That timer, however.
Curious thing.
We reset it 14 times
and it goes off every day
at exactly 3:00.
Why 3:00, you may ask?
Demonic forces mocking
the Holy Trinity?
No.
Soccer practice.
(SIGHS)
I think we'll pass.
Mm.
No, no, no, no, no.
Hey, hey y'all!
Hey, hey, wait!
Wait, wait, wait!
No, no, no, no, no!
Wait! Hey, wait! Hey, wait!
Ms. Price,
we are not interested.
It's haunted,
but not the way we want to be
haunted.
Well, I love it.
And I would stay here
for eternity.
SUSAN:
Listen, listen, I'm gonna find
you something better.
I'm gonna find--
Please, please,
just give me one more chance!
I won't take a single cent
of commission!
My entire cup will go to y'all!
Come on, babe. Let's go home
and drink some absinthe
and forget all
of this ever happened, okay.
SUSAN:
Please!
Okay, well, I'll be in touch!
(SCREAMS)
You know, Susan,
I usually don't see patients
this late.
But for you,
I'll make an exception.
I found a house.
But the blueprints didn't
disclose that the structure
perfectly forms a pentagram,
like that rec center
in Charleston.
What? No.
In order to buy my dream home,
I have to jump through
all these hoops
to convince the seller that
I'm worth selling to.
Like that time you had
to convert to Judaism
in the battle of that dybbuk?
No.
Aren't you supposed
to just listen?
I'm sorry.
It's late.
Continue.
I just--
I just-- I-- I don't--
Ugh! I'm a big ball
of nerves these days.
(STATICS)
Well, that's peculiar.
Hmm. That's what I get
for buying a TV on Craigslist.
Wait, Doc!
Hello?
Who is this?
Excuse me, you did not book
a group session.
My cruelty!
(GASPS)
Susan, take a seat.
Let's talk about those hoops.
Hey, Doc?
I think I need
to speak with a specialist.
I can't believe she's letting
y'all shoot in here.
CREW MEMBER 1:
We paid her.
You paid her?
I paid her.
How much did you pay her?
Hi.
It's good to see you again.
In this new form,
you look majestic.
(CHUCKLES)
Thanks.
You do, too.
What brings you here?
You don't know?
I'm seeking guidance.
Against the ones
who are angry with you?
There are many of them.
Who are they?
Why are they angry with me?
I don't know anyone
angry with me.
There are hundreds of them.
Displaced.
Without homes.
What the heck
are you talking about?
I find people homes.
I'm a real estate agent.
No, they're coming through
clearly.
They're furious.
Hundreds of them.
Oh, oh.
Oh, they're screaming.
So much screaming!
Can I help them?
What can I do?
Leave!
(SIGHS)
Mother of pearl,
it's all making sense now.
If it were a snake,
it would have bit me
in the behind.
Is my door open?
What the heck?
(SCOFFS)
(PANTING)
What the heck is going on?
(PANTING)
She was right.
Ms. Evy was right.
(STATICS)
(GASPS)
Spirits.
They don't have anywhere to go.
It's about 2:00 a.m.
and I am sleeping in my car.
Well, I'm trying to sleep
in my car.
I'm terrified, to be honest.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
But I got a feeling
I better figure it out
as soon as possible.
I really thought I was doing
the right thing.
Sending all those spirits out
in the great beyond,
but I--
I guess I didn't know
where I was sending 'em.
Damn.
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
This morning I was woken up
by a text message
from Ms. Amanda Duncan.
And she informed me that
her clients, who bought
my dream house, are asking
for an additional 20%.
(SOBS)
It's like Meemaw
always used to say,
"If it ain't the bed bugs,
it's the ants."
(PHONE RINGING)
(SIGHS)
Hello?
PATTY: (ON PHONE)
Hello. Susan, I need your help.
Patty?
PATTY: (ON PHONE)
You're the only one who knows
about ghosts.
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
(ENGINE STARTS)
Patty Sherman called me
in a tizzy, begging me
to drive out
to the senior living community
where they moved.
Somethin' about how I was
the only one that could help.
(KEYS CLINKING)
(CAR HORNS)
PATTY:
When we moved in, we were two
of 20 residents.
Now it's only us
and the gentleman down the hall.
BRUCE:
Charlie.
-What?
-Charlie.
His name's Charlie.
Bruce, who gives a rip
what his name is?
Well, I bet he does.
PATTY:
We thought it was odd that
the place got so empty,
but now we know why.
There is something screwy
going on here.
Two nights ago,
Bruce's walker was hopping up
and down in the kitchen.
I woke up and saw it
springing back and forth.
This might sound crazy,
but last night I woke up
to the sound of
my dentures chattering.
They were in the bathroom,
in a cup,
chomping all by themselves.
You wanna hear the worst part?
Bruce, that is inappropriate.
What's the worst part?
They keep hiding my dick pills.
Bruce, the ghosts are not taking
your medication.
Susan,
you said you know about ghosts.
Can you help us?
Patty, I'm fixing to update
my business model.
Let's make a deal.
You get the spirits out
of this building,
and we will break our contract
with Amanda Duncan
and sell you the house.
Hush your mouth, Patty!
Oh, ain't you just as sweet
as pecan pie?
We will figure this all out.
Oh.
(LAUGHS)
()
Hey, Father, I need your help.
Hey, Anders.
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Hi there.
No. Wait, don't hang up.
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Thank you all
for joining me here.
We're still waiting
on some folks,
but we may as well get started.
This is a big job
and I need all the help
I can get.
A train derailed on this site
nearly 80 years ago.
Hundreds
of passengers were killed
in the crash and never made it
to their final destination.
Or their final destination.
Instead,
they are roaming the halls
of New Horizons.
We've got to help these spirits
and the seniors living here
both find peace.
With these blueprints,
I have devised a full plan
to utilize each team member's
strengths.
It's high time we knuckle down
and do our damn best.
()
It's a smidge after 9:00 p.m.,
and we've begun
our investigation.
I split the group up
to cover the most ground
on a tight timeline.
I got Father Doyle
in the management office,
blessing all deed
and zoning documents.
Patty and Bruce are monitoring
our surveillance gear.
And I am with Ms. Evy here
doing a full psychic reading
of all the apartments.
(DEVICE BEEPS)
DOYLE:
Oh my lord.
Mm.
I can't believe how much they
charged these poor saps
to live here.
(CHUCKLES)
But I'm sure the amenities
are fantastic.
You know what?
I saw an aquarium.
Those things don't come cheap,
you know.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh, oh, oh, oh sugar.
Oh, fiddlesticks.
I hope they got a copy
of this one.
()
Whosever in here with me?
I'm warning you now.
I haven't eaten since brunch.
And I'm a bitch on wheels.
(LIGHT FLICKERS)
Oh boy.
Well, either there's a ghost
or that overdue electric bill
over there.
PATTY:
Lord almighty.
Susan!
Now how am I supposed to read
my funnies?
Would you zip it already?
(AIR WHOOSHES)
Did you hear that?
I took out
my hearing aids hours ago.
()
Ms. Evy, you doing okay?
There's an overload
of bad energy here.
You ain't lying.
I'm sweating like a sinner
in church.
(IN DEMONIC VOICE)
You should be.
(SCREAMS)
(STUFF FALLING IN BACKGROUND)
(SCREAMS)
Ms. Evy?
Ms. Evy?
Ms. Evy?
Ms. Evy, are you okay?
Oh, hells bells.
-(GROWLS)
-(SUSAN SCREAMS)
Bruce!
(MACHINE WHIRRING IN DISTANCE)
()
(STATIC)
Susan!
Anybody know
where the breaker is?
()
Dear lord.
Deliver us from evil.
And protect us
at our most vulnerable time.
(GRUNTS)
I command you to stop.
You're being incredibly rude!
(STATIC)
()
Oh, oh, Susan!
(TAKING DEEP BREATHES)
-The lights went out.
-Shh, I know, I know.
PATTY:
We saw things that
I cannot explain.
A self-driving rascal scooter.
That-- that was a ghost, Bruce.
No, I read about those.
They're called Teslas.
Patty, I got some bad news.
I cannot get the spirits out
of this place.
Why not?
I am being punished
by every ghost
I have ever displaced
from every house
I've ever sold.
And somehow they have all taken
up residence inside
of Ms. Evy.
I can't do this anymore.
What about our deal?
Don't you want the house?
(IN DEMONIC VOICE)
Come out, Susan.
It's so warm and cozy
inside your friend here.
(LAUGHS)
No.
No, I don't want the house.
I have made a career off
of displacing the most
vulnerable of souls.
The lost, the desperate,
the lonely.
And it's time
I make it all right.
You're a real weirdo, Susan.
You're darn right I am.
Father, meet me
in the rec room in five.
We're gonna need salt
and a circle of binding.
Mm-hmm.
Bruce, you stay there,
read your paper.
Patty, come with me.
Okay, okay.
That way.
Come on.
You gotta be careful
with these sigils.
Precision is key.
One wrong rune
and you can find yourself
in a hell dimension or worse.
INTERVIEWER:
What's worse
than a hell dimension?
Mothers for Easter.
-SUSAN: Ms. Evy, no, stop!
-Oh, oh, dear God.
-SUSAN: Stop, stop!
-Dear God.
(SUSAN SCREAMS)
Alright. (CLAPPING)
Places, people.
(GROWLS)
Now, do it now!
(LAUGHS)
(HONKING)
(GRUNTS)
()
What's the plan, Susan?
(IN DEMONIC VOICE)
Yeah, Susie, what's the plan?
I got a decade
of bad behavior to make up for.
I'm buying this place.
We can live here, all of us.
(IN DEMONIC VOICE)
If you think you can kick us
out of this, woman?
You are mistaken.
We found this fixer-upper
and we are not leaving.
All the spirits I cast out.
It's time to summon 'em back.
To find them a home.
(IN DEMONIC VOICE)
We have a home.
I mean a forever home.
For all of us!
Father Doyle.
Lost souls.
Demons.
Forgotten creatures
from realms that men
fear to tread.
I bind thee.
With these words, I shackle you.
And with words, I set you free.
The horn of heaven reigns.
What's that racket?
(CAR HONKS AND WHIRRING
IN DISTANCE)
They made it!
Who?
Dds Bringeren!
(LAUGHS)
Who's Dds Bringeren?
()
(LAUGHING)
()
(SPEAKS NORWEGIAN)
()
(SINGING IN NORWEGIAN)
()
(CLAPPING IN BACKGROUND)
Holy shit. Far out.
My name's Charlie.
Any-- anybody got any drugs?
What happened?
SUSAN:
You don't remember?
I remember we were in a hallway.
And everything went dark.
And it felt like I was sharing
a porta potty with 200 people.
I still don't know
if this is gonna work.
But it's the best I could do.
I gotta a lot of apologies
to make
and a lot of explaining to do.
So if you'll excuse me,
I got a long night ahead of me.
()
Looking for a new experience
this Halloween?
Why not book a stay at this
authentic haunted
apartment complex,
where you can rent a room
and mingle with actual ghosts.
The owner
and former real estate agent,
Susan Price,
promises that every room
in the building is occupied with
at least one paranormal entity.
(ROCK MUSIC)
(HOWLS)
(LAUGHING)
If you'd told me a year ago
that I'd be living
in an apartment building
with over 250 confirmed spirits.
Ain't no way I ever would've
believed you.
But here we are.
Forget Transylvania.
Forget Salem, Massachusetts.
This right here
is the premier supernatural
vacation destination.
Now if you'll care to join us,
I've got a tour starting.
Hey, folks, how we doing today?
Welcome to the Ghostel.
So happy to have y'all here.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
()
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(LAUGHTER)
()
()
(LYRICS IN NORWEGIAN)
()
(INDISTINCT WHISPERS)
SUSAN:
In all my born days,
I ain't never seen a house
go through as much
as this property right here.
9 murders, 3 suicides,
fire and brimstone
right where we're yapping.
Good heavens,
if these walls could talk,
they'd probably curse you out
in backwards Latin.
The current owners believe
it's still home
to demonic forces.
They swore me up
and down that every night
at 3:00 a.m. they hear
the sound of a woman cackling.
(LAUGHING)
SUSAN:
But of course, when they look,
there's no signs
of anyone beside them.
Poor folks brought in a priest
to bless the house
and that's when whatever
was haunting 'em
-got madder than a wet hen.
-(GLASS SHATTERS)
Storms shattered the bay window
and they found three
-crows o n the floor...
-(CROW CAWING)
...each with its head
torn clear off.
Their puppy dog would bark at an
-empty wall until it wet...
-(DOG BARKING)
...itself in fright.
Mom found the family Bible
burnt up something awful
in the fireplace.
When Dad found his sweet
6-year-old daughter hovering
over him and the missus
with a butcher knife in one hand
and the devil dancing
in her eyes,
they knew it was time to sell.
But you know what?
I'm gonna get y'all
a great deal on this house.
()
WILLIE:
Woo-hoo!
Happy Halloween,
boys and ghouls.
This is your ghost host,
Wild Willie.
And what better way
to celebrate
this most devilish day
of the year
than to talk about
haunted houses.
But you know
what I've always wondered?
CHILD: (ON RECORDING)
I don't know.
What?
If your house is haunted
and you've got to sell,
who are you gonna call?
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
(CHUCKLES)
Well, look no further,
because our guest this morning
is Ms. Susan Price,
a real estate agent
and certified exorcist.
So tell us, Susan,
how does this all work?
You take the dead out
and you move the living in?
You're not too far off
the mark there, Willie.
WILLIE:
Oh. Honey, please.
It's Wild.
Wild Willie!
AUTOMATED VOICE:
The Wild Willie Show.
(CHUCKLES)
So typically,
I'm approached by sellers
who have a haunted property
that needs cleansing
and I work with specialists
to guide the entity out
of the dwelling
and skedaddle them
to their final resting place.
WILLIE: (ON RADIO)
Hmm, what's that,
like a Motel 12?
(LAUGHTER)
If it's a spirit,
we guide 'em towards the light.
-Mm.
-If it's demonic forces,
then we must perform
an exorcism.
Ooh. Now-- now when you say
specialists, what's that?
Oh, typically,
I work with clergy.
Other times I bring
in other mediums.
What about larges and double Xs?
You know,
we don't body shame here
on the Wild Willie Show.
(LAUGHTER)
So uh, tell me, how long
you been doing this?
About seven years now.
Mostly residential.
But I have had some success
on the commercial side.
Your brewery is haunted...
(SCREAMING IN BACKGROUND)
...by a prohibitionist.
So why even get into
the real estate side of things?
Why not just run with
this ghost whisper business?
(SUSAN CLEARS THROAT)
Everyone needs to find somewhere
where they belong.
It really dills my pickle
to help the living purchase
their dream home
and I'm happy as a lark
with getting the deceased
to move on
to the great hereafter.
But how do you know
that's where they're headed?
I mean, we can't all be angels,
right?
(LAUGHS)
Now these folks filming
here today, what's this,
for some type of TV show?
Actually, it's a documentary.
Hmm.
Hey, so do you guys actually
believe this weirdo?
SUSAN:
That ignorant yank.
You know,
I blew off an open house
in Salem, Massachusetts.
Witches were hanged
in the backyard there.
But no, like a dimwit,
I take a red eye to Wilmington
to get heckled
by a walking spray tan.
(SUSAN GRUNTS)
If we don't hit traffic,
we should get
to the Richmond Blood Phantom
by 2:00.
So you guys really think
I'm a weirdo?
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
()
(COW MOOING)
INTERVIEWER:
Tell us how all this started.
What came first, the ghosts
or the real estate?
Oh. Death's been chasing me
since I was knee-high
to a grasshopper.
My mama died giving birth
and my daddy,
let's just say his rooster slid
into a slew of hen houses,
so I was raised by my Meemaw.
And she taught me early
that I had the gift.
She'd catch me talking
to my imaginary friends,
but even then I knew
what they were.
They were lost souls.
INTERVIEWER:
So why did you get
into real estate?
Meemaw and I moved around a lot.
She worked odd jobs,
so we were always traipsing
from town to town,
playing hopscotch across
the country.
So an address
wasn't a home to me.
Wherever my Meemaw was,
that was my home.
INTERVIEWER:
So where's your Meemaw live now?
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
SUSAN:
So this here has been one
of the toughest projects
I have ever had.
We can't keep anyone here
for longer than six months.
Last family just up and left
in the middle of the night,
left all their animals here.
Story is Christmas of '89,
farmer just went nuttier
than squirrel turds, hacked up
his whole family,
scribbled a suicide note
on the wall in blood,
and they didn't find the bodies
for a month.
Left a stench
that would gag a maggot.
But it's got great bones.
-I mean they just--
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(DEREK GRUNTS)
Oh no.
Why are you giving me
that look?
I don't want that look, Derek.
Cheese and crackers.
Derek has painted that wall
12 times now.
And that dang old blood
just keeps on coming back.
Oh hell, just paint it red,
I guess.
Yeah.
Yeah, just paint it red.
You hear that, old MacDonald?
Derek here ain't afraid of you.
He's gonna paint it red.
This house is getting sold here.
Probably to some rustic hipster
who will love having
a dead-old pickle-puss like you
sharing his space.
Yeah, he'll love it.
It'll be ironic like PBR
and trucker caps.
The dead are just like
the living.
Stubborn.
Sometimes they need a little
boot in the hiney.
What the--
Now here's a man
I can negotiate with.
So when Meemaw passed on,
I was devastated and trying
to find an answer on
what to do with myself.
So I went seeking guidance
and my Meemaw spelled out
the name of a real estate
agency in Shreveport.
Warren Holzer had been selling
houses in Louisiana
for quarter a century,
had no reason to give
the time of day
to a hayseed like me,
but he did.
And I got the worst assignments
imaginable.
Real dumps that would make
roaches weep.
But there was one property
that the office couldn't sell
for the life of 'em.
It was a three-story colonial
out in the sticks.
Pretty as a picture
with a history
that was anything but.
It was home to a cult
of longhairs back in the '60s.
Real anti-establishment,
anti-deodorant types.
So when Nixon was elected,
they took turns
drowning each other in the lake
behind the house.
INTERVIEWER:
So it was haunted?
Haunted is an understatement.
At first families just reported
the smell of incense and BO,
but that escalated into
nightly hallucinations.
Disembodied entities waking up
families asking
to bum cigarettes.
After three separate
fumigation attempts,
the whole place still smelled
like patchouli.
INTERVIEWER:
How'd you handle it?
Ghost hunters,
demonologists, psychics.
We lit candles
and I hired someone
who could play
In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida
on a church organ.
I even had channeling sessions
connecting spirits with mediums
and drug counselors.
And it worked.
We cleansed that dwelling
and there have been no reported
haunting since.
INTERVIEWER:
So you're finding homes
for everyone, living
and otherwise.
But can I ask,
where do you call home?
()
SUSAN:
To be honest,
I don't really have
a traditional home.
Checking for bedbugs.
I guess the road is my home.
Checking for shadow people.
I'm always catching flights,
taking overnight trips.
I mean, I am licensed
in 12 different states.
It's really not that bad.
(WOMAN PANTING)
Sure has its moments.
Left my toothbrush
in Wilmington.
(COUPLE PANTING, MOANING)
SUSAN:
But what I lacked
in a stable home base,
I make up for in
Motel 12 loyalty rewards
and complimentary guest Wi-Fi.
(SIGHS)
INTERVIEWER:
Don't you think
it's ironic though,
a real estate agent
without a home?
Susan, I'm very glad you
decided to come see me again.
Is this good?
But I prefer the cameras
weren't in the session,
because they could affect
your behavior.
My behavior?
As long as you're honest
with yourself.
-(GRUNTS)
-Now what's on your mind?
I got my thoughts and feelings
all tangled up, Doc.
Hmm.
Are you still having qualms
about astral projection?
-No.
-Okay.
Is it about the past life
where you were married
to one of your relatives?
(SUSAN CLEARS THROAT)
Doc, I'm starting to feel lost.
Like last year's Easter egg.
I mean, I-- I--
I travel constantly.
Maybe it's time to settle down
and find a home of my own.
Well, you certainly are busy.
Technically, our appointment
was eight months ago.
(PHONE RINGING)
Dr. Zaffin, I'm so sorry,
I've got to take this.
(TAKES DEEP BREATHS)
Hey Ed, what's up?
Really?
I could be there by 7:00,
does that work?
Okay.
Leaving already?
It's a murder specter
in Morgantown.
Do you know how hard it is
to get in that area?
This was so helpful, Doc.
Really, I really appreciate you.
()
My buddy Ed's been trying
to sell this place
for a few months now,
but there is some force
that just doesn't want to leave.
This ain't no murder specter.
They've had six showings,
and every time a red-blooded
American male
walks through that door,
he complains about getting--
INTERVIEWER:
What?
Forgive me, but I am a lady.
INTERVIEWER:
What do they complain about?
He complains about
getting groped.
-INTERVIEWER: Groped?
-You know,
goosed,
fondled,
some phantom force comes
and tickles him in the, Maypole?
But the weirdest part,
oh, the weirdest part,
come check this out.
The lipstick.
Yeah, come on.
The couple keeps finding these
messages all over the house.
Now they've installed
security cameras above
every possible entrance.
Nothing.
No one enters, no one leaves,
but every once in a while,
a door will open
of its own accord,
and boom, there's a fresh one.
INTERVIEWER:
Can we speak
to the current owners?
Those two fight like
a couple badgers
in a pickle barrel,
but I'll try.
Our lives were perfect
until we moved into this house.
Until you started seeing
another woman.
Geri, there's no other woman.
GERI:
Really, Glen?
I was constantly finding
lipstick on his collar
and then I would wake up
in the middle of the night
hearing some woman
whispering his name.
She was in the bedroom with him?
No, he was FaceTiming her
while I was sleeping.
-Is that true?
-No, I swear, I'm faithful.
Um, when you were living here,
how did you feel?
Did you feel drained?
Drained?
I bet he did.
Please stop,
this is being recorded.
Now, what I think we have here,
folks,
is a succubus.
A sucked his what?
SUSAN:
A succubus is a female demon
that preys
on the energy of men.
I'm gonna need to bring in
a specialist.
You are gonna love this guy.
Father Doyle was
a Catholic priest
for decades before he found
his niche in demonology.
Of course,
the Archdiocese wasn't too keen
on all his methods.
INTERVIEWER:
Is that why he left?
That,
and he's what Meemaw would call,
"Cotillion ready".
DOYLE:
You know,
you're really not supposed
to wear the official garments
unless you're an active member
of the clergy.
But this collar, it really
accentuates my jawline.
And frankly,
the black is so slimming.
(STEPS REACHING)
Alright now,
is there any particular spot
where we should get started?
The bedroom.
Easy, tiger.
At least, pour me a drink first.
(LAUGHS)
See, she gets it.
SUSAN:
You're bad.
DOYLE:
Listen here, Jezebel.
By the time
we're through with you,
you'll be banished to hell
in time to work the third shift
at the underworld's
shittiest Applebee's.
(BREATHS HEAVILY)
In the name of the Father,
and of the Son,
and of the Holy Spirit,
most glorious Prince
of the heavenly armies,
Saint Michael, the Archangel,
defend us in our battle against
the powers
and the principalities
of the rulers of this world
of darkness,
and all of the wicked spirits,
the-- the wicked spirits
in the high places.
(WHIMPERS, GASPS)
()
Is that-- is that yours?
No!
(EXHALES)
Please, Father, let's continue.
DOYLE:
We drive you from us,
whoever you may be,
unclean spirits,
all satanic powers,
all infernal invaders,
all wicked legions,
assemblies, and a--
GERI:
What is wrong with you?
You're making her angry.
She's-- she's pinching me.
DOYLE:
Most cunning serpent,
you shall no more dare
to deceive the human race,
nor persecute the church,
nor torment God's elect.
he's-- she's squeezing my dick.
(GRUNTS)
You leave us alone.
You-- you homewrecker.
(SCREAMS)
Thus, cursed dragon,
and all you diabolical legions,
we abjure you in the name
of the true God,
and of the living God,
and of the Holy God.
Stop deceiving human creatures
by pouring into them the poison
of eternal damnation.
Deliver us, deliver us, Lord,
from all wickedness,
in the name of the Father...
and of the Son...
and the Holy Ghost.
(PANTING)
Let us pray.
Amen.
Oh, baby, are you okay?
Is it over?
Is she gone?
We still got more work to do,
but the worst is behind us.
(LAUGHS)
Let's get some ice.
Some for some drinks
and some for those balls.
(TAKING DEEP BREATHS)
SUSAN:
Situations like this can really
bring people together.
Geri and Glen made up,
and now they don't want
to sell the house anymore.
And you know, that happens.
It's fine.
And I am happy for them.
But I do need to get myself
and Father Doyle paid.
GERI:
What the shit is this?
This is for our services
that you agreed to.
Closing cost?
We're not selling.
Right.
That's not closing, closing.
That's closing a gateway
to hell.
And there is a cost attached
to that.
You have got to be kidding me.
Oh, ma'am.
My Meemaw raised me never
to joke about gateways to hell,
so let's quit piddling
and get y'all to sign.
And if we don't?
Sure, we can summon
that demon right back for you.
You wouldn't.
I wouldn't.
I have a Norwegian
black metal band that I bring in
for projects like that.
They're touring the States
right now.
It wouldn't even take 'em long
to get here.
Fucking hell.
GERI:
I hope your little
tickle parties
were worth it, Glen.
()
(SIGHS)
AMANDA: (ON TV)
This phenomenal house
in Berkeley Springs,
West Virginia
just hit the market
and the asking price
is a real steal.
It's perfect
for a young couple ready
to live it out.
Once they see this house,
they'll be halfway home.
SUSAN:
Oh, this gal.
Pretty as a pumpkin
and about half as smart.
AMANDA: (ON TV)
Hey there, guys.
Glad you could creep out
of the graveyard
for a little while.
So, ready to check out
the house?
Does that mean-- I'm sorry.
I hate for y'all to see me be
so ugly right now.
But she don't have an inkling
as to what those two want.
Oh.
Bless your heart.
This is the problem
with most realtors.
They're always forcing their
vision onto their clients.
Like it's not
a one-size-fits-all.
It's about listening.
And finding a place that really
speaks to your clients.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
That's the pizza I ordered.
I hope y'all like pepperoni.
I'm here for the cuddle fest.
(SIGHS)
SUSAN:
Next door.
Have a good night.
I can't keep living like this.
When you're looking
for a new home,
there are certain questions you
gotta ask yourself.
How much are you willing
to spend?
What size and type of dwelling?
Where is it located?
And are there any special
amenities you want?
For me,
price really isn't a big issue.
If I can talk a banshee out
of an Irish pub,
I can negotiate a good deal.
Size?
I've been living out
of hotel rooms
for over a month of Sundays.
So at this point,
I'll be happy if I can make
a meal that doesn't involve
a microwave.
Location?
Well, for starters,
it cannot be near
any ancient burial grounds
or hellmouths.
Where?
That's the humdinger.
Well, I do need somewhere
that's close to an airport
and the...
(CHUCKLES)
And the highway.
But I also want energy.
Activity.
I really want somewhere
that feels alive.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(SIGHS)
He did not mention the cemetery
in the listing.
At least, they're not hiding
under the floorboards, right?
(SIGHS)
Morning there.
You must be Susan.
House was built in the '20s.
Only two owners
before the current one.
All new electric put in
about five years ago.
Fully-finished basement.
Walking distance from the park.
At the asking price,
it's a great deal.
(CHUCKLES)
Take a look around.
If you need me,
I'll be over here.
Thank you.
()
(INDISTINCT WHISPERS)
Ooh, oh wait.
Do you feel that?
There's like a cold spot
right here.
Oh, it's a vent.
Nevermind.
Hmm.
(DOOR CREAKING)
(INDISTINCT WHISPERS)
I'm picking up something mighty
queer on my EVP recorder.
I finagled this doohickey
to monitor sounds in the cellar.
Basements
are notoriously haunted
and I don't need no boo hag
ogling me
while I'm down here
doing my yoga.
(INDISTINCT WHISPERS)
It's faint,
like a wicked little whisper.
Here, sweet Pete,
you're the expert.
Come listen to this.
Right?
Oh, jeezum,
Pete's dang phone
Bluetoothing
one of my ASMR videos.
I use 'em to sleep.
Thank you for your time,
Mr. Freeling.
TOBE:
You bet ya.
Any questions?
No, um, this is actually
the first place
I've taken a gander at,
so I got a lot to think about,
but when I'm ready to talk--
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Um, I'll be in touch.
Mirrors break by themselves
frequently around here?
Not that I've seen.
Could I trouble you
for some salt?
-Beg your pardon?
-Salt?
We should toss some
over our shoulder,
turn around three times
to ward off--
Uh, I might have some adobo.
(STEPS FALLING)
Could work.
Mm-mm.
Something ain't right in there.
I can't quite put my finger
on it,
but I got a mighty strong
impression that I ain't welcome.
I mean, my bones itch a little.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(SIGHS)
Well, no need
to let a minor ruckus
sink my sails.
Tomorrow I'm getting serious.
I got a heapin' helpin'
of frequent flyer miles,
and it's time mama collects.
()
Ectoplasm I can handle.
But that there's raising
some red flags.
Y'all see that there?
That is black mold.
Could be a sign
of demonic activity.
Or water damage.
Either way, it's not good.
()
Meemaw says no.
God, crazy.
38 houses in four days
and not a winner in the bunch?
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
I need some sort of sign.
But I'd settle
for a little treat.
What do y'all think,
cheddar sour cream
or honey barbecue?
Ain't she pretty as all get-out.
Oh, I'm sensing good things.
I think I'm having
a premonition.
She is a beaut.
But you know,
let's not get our hopes up.
Looks can be deceivin'.
Like this time I listed this
cute little hair salon
down in Asheville
that was crawling with demons.
I cast ye out.
Rinse. Repeat.
I cast ye out.
Rinse. Repeat.
(EXHAILING)
Here we go.
(CLEARS THROAT)
May I help you?
Hi there.
Oh, good heavens.
Are you from
Publishers Clearing House?
Did we finally do it?
No, ma'am.
Oh, uh, why are you filming?
Oh, um, I'm Susan.
I'm here to see the house.
We're making a documentary.
You don't mind, do you?
Oh, you kids and the TikToks.
Now come on in. Come on in.
We have lived here 39 years.
33 of them were wonderful.
And then my husband retired.
(PATTY CHUCKLES)
So here we go. Not my choice.
Pleasure, sir.
Now, don't get me wrong.
This is a wonderful house.
But we're getting older
and it's a lotta upkeep.
So we put it on the market
and we're gonna move into
a retirement community...
-Oh.
-...down the road.
Retirement community.
Oh, I don't know
what you are so sour about.
Do you want me to continue
keeping up the garden
and hanging up
the Christmas lights?
You can barely pour
your cereal.
The house was built in the '20s,
but we have kept up
with renovations as needed
over the years.
()
PATTY:
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
It's useful,
it's not just decorative.
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
...The flooring is,
and we've got this--
-SUSAN: I sure do.
-PATTY: Isn't that beautiful?
Original. Original.
-SUSAN: Patty.
-PATTY: Yeah.
So that just about does it.
Do you have any questions?
I mean,
I could ramble on all day.
(CHUCKLES)
Any unusual occurrences?
Strange phenomena?
Strange phenomena.
About 10 years ago,
we started hearing this noise
in the attic.
I mean, dreadful noise.
We couldn't sleep a wink.
We heard it every single night.
Do you think it was gh--
Possums. Yeah.
Those beady-eyed little buggers.
They got in through the roof.
Oh, don't worry.
We hired an exterminator,
fixed the roof,
haven't had a pest sighting
since.
Unless you count my husband.
(LAUGH)
BLT.
Oh, well, I am very interested.
Have you had any other buyers
swing through?
Bacon, lettuce, tomato.
I know what a BLT is, Bruce.
WTF.
I'm talking to Susan.
Who?
One young woman stopped by
last week and saw the place,
but we haven't had an offer yet.
With a pickle?
There are no pickles, Bruce.
Patty, I'm gonna get back to you
quicker than
a knife-fighting outhouse.
I'll have an answer
to you mighty soon.
Well, that'd be wonderful, dear.
(LAUGHS)
What happened
to all the pickles?
You ate them.
Y'all!
I think that's the house I want!
Oof. Mm.
There was maybe something
cattywampus.
I don't know if y'all picked up
on that.
Just like an angry presence,
maybe.
It's probably just
Patty's husband.
Yeah, you know what?
I'm probably just psyching
myself out.
I'm gonna rest my peepers
and make
my decision first thing
tomorrow morning.
That's what I'm gonna do.
Nighty-night.
(GASPS)
Gallopin' griddlecake!
Somebody robbed me!
(TAKING DEEP BREATHS)
God!
Oh.
They didn't take anything!
Everything is here!
INTERVIEWER:
Are you sure?
I mean,
my jewelry, my laptop!
It's all safe!
Thrown around a bit,
but fine as frog's hair!
Who would do this?
INTERVIEWER:
Are you sure it was a person?
What are you suggesting?
INTERVIEWER:
Like are you sure it was
a living person?
Y'all mind if I bunk
with the crew tonight?
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
I'm buying that house.
Just gonna finish putting on
my face.
Then I'm driving down there
to make an offer.
'Cause I'm done living out
of suitcases.
And there just ain't no way
I am gonna start exorcising
every hotel room
that I walk in to.
Whew!
Y'all ready?
Thunder turtles!
Crust on a cracker! Patty!
I told you I'd make an offer!
I am sorry.
I'm so sorry.
But Miss Duncan here's
made an offer.
Amanda Duncan.
Hi there, sweetie.
Wanna take a selfie?
Where's your phone?
I don't want a selfie.
-I want this house!
-Sorry, hon.
I just helped close on it
for two little lovebirds
starring
in this season's premiere.
Wait till you see what we do
with the basement.
-That's my fitness center!
-Now, Susan!
Ear down, Patty!
I'm fixing a deal here!
What do you want?
My clients just bought.
They're not selling.
Well, they can spit fire
and keep the matches.
I'm getting this house!
Why do you look familiar?
I've seen you on the news.
These spirits were restless.
You're that weirdo that flips
haunted houses!
(LAUGHS)
Name your price.
PATTY:
Susan!
Are you a ghostbuster?
I thought that was make belie--
Now, now, Patty!
Listen, Amanda,
I'm sure we can strike a deal.
A trade of some sort.
I'm licensed in 12 states.
I like your moxie.
I had a couple
from the season 4 finale,
my only episode that ever ended
without a sale.
The network wants them back
this season for a follow-up,
but last time those freaks
weren't happy
with a single showing.
They're weird.
Like you.
If you can get them to close
on a house
in the next three weeks,
then maybe, just maybe,
I might convince my clients
to sell.
For a simple 20% markup.
(SCOFFS)
20%?
Take it or leave it, sweetie.
Find these people a house
they love in three weeks, hmm?
By midnight on the 30th.
Who's the couple?
LUCIAN:
We want something old.
KASSANDRA:
But elegant.
LUCIAN:
Perhaps Victorian.
KASSANDRA:
But not puritanical.
As you can tell, we have
a very specific aesthetic.
We appreciate the darker side
of the human experience.
And we want a home
that reflects that.
Got it.
And what's your price range?
Money is no object.
His father is a congressman.
And y'all want to stay
in this general area?
Not necessarily.
For the right dwelling,
we would migrate.
Like bats.
(LAUGHS)
Do bats migrate?
Alrighty.
Well, one option immediately
comes to mind.
KASSANDRA:
The view is divine.
LUCIAN:
Undeniably.
It would remind us daily about
the temporal constraints
of this mortal coil.
Sure is a hoot.
Come on, let's see the rest
of the house.
Oh, the electric has been
redone
in the past five years.
Fully-finished basement.
Plus, it's walking distance
from the park.
Thoughts?
Feelings?
Come on, partners, you've gotta
work with me here.
What's not sitting right?
The furnishings are so mundane.
SUSAN:
They're the sellars.
They'll be gone.
Imagine this house
with all your stuff. Hmm?
All your creepy, kooky,
cobweb-covered stuff.
Picture the two of you
walking through this room
like a couple of sexy Draculas.
Mm.
Feel better?
Has anyone died in this house?
Died?
I don't know.
Let's ask the sellar's agent.
Hey Tobe!
Have there been any murders
in this house?
Murders?
I'm sorry, murders?
You asked me
if anyone died here.
From what I understand,
the current owner's mother
died peacefully
in her sleep last year.
God bless.
But no murders.
How about suicides?
Any suicides?
Oh, for crying out loud,
come on!
Ancient sigils carved
into the foundations.
Not that I'm aware.
Do you ever get the feeling
that you're being watched?
Okay, y'all, we're leaving now.
Mm. Bye, Tobe!
What kind of questions
were those?
Murders? Suicides?
What, are y'all looking
to buy a haunted house?
Are you psychic?
Oh, good grief.
Y'all two found
the right realtor.
I'm a certified exorcist.
I find houses, cleanse 'em,
and sell 'em.
Wait.
Really?
Would I lie to you, Buttercup?
Did y'all even glance
at my business card?
Listen, I'll find you
a haunted house.
It's as simple as waiting
for my phone to ring.
Well, don't rush on my account.
(LAUGHS)
(PHONE RINGS)
Susan Price.
Telemarketer.
Hold your horses there,
Morticia.
I'm fixing to call
in the cavalry.
Father, how are ya?
I'm okay.
Listen,
I got two buyers who are looking
for an uncleansed property
with a spiritual infestation.
Yep, they actually want
to buy a haunted house.
I reckon you may have
some ideas?
Well, that ain't a bad idea.
Let me pitch it to 'em.
Yeah, I'll call you back
in a bit.
Bye-bye.
That was my demonologist friend.
You know what, I think
we may have a spot for ya.
It's got more spirits than
a New Orleans liquor mart.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
This house is haunted?
Oh, it's utterly bewitched,
my dear.
This property reeks
of heartache and torment.
The walls breathe
a distinct musk
of terror and pain.
Let's take a peek inside,
shall we?
(DOOR OPENS)
Oh, what is that?
Smells like a Yankee candle.
Yes, that's her, alright.
Her?
What you're smelling
are the beloved aromas
of Sally Rexford,
the dearly departed homemaker
that once resided
in this humble abode.
It was April 6, 1997,
when Sally snapped.
Whether it was a shortage
of Valium
or her fruit smoothie went
sour, regardless,
she shot her corporate executive
husband square in the chest.
And then later, she strangled
her 7-year-old son
with his yo-yo.
She took the corpses,
chopped them up,
and combined the flesh
with cookie dough,
where she baked a
putrid batch of oatmeal raisin
meat wafers.
She deposited these morbid
little morsels
on a neighbor's doorstep,
returned home,
and then she blew
her brains out.
Six different residents
have tried to live here,
but the spirits
just won't let them.
The murdered and the murderer
are forever trapped
in this middle-class prison.
But not too much of a prison.
There are lots of windows,
fresh air,
I mean,
wait till you see the deck,
the backyard is huge.
What are the hauntings like?
Mm. On the low end,
the saccharine sweet stench
of Sally's hand soap
and mall kiosk potpourri.
-And on the high end?
-DOYLE: Hmm.
Some residents have experienced
being possessed by the
spirit of Sally and harboring
an overwhelming compulsion
to kill.
How cute.
What's upstairs?
The little boy's room.
Yes, the ghosts of children
are particularly troublesome.
Doomed to wander
this earthly plane
without a mother and father
to guide them.
Oh, the poor dear,
he's all alone.
Hmm, perhaps this house would be
a perfect fit for you two
and you can be the parents
this spirit
so desperately needs.
We don't want kids.
Well, we haven't really
discussed that, Lucian.
Right, we haven't really--
Let's go see the kitchen!
(STEPS FALLING)
All new appliances.
The previous owners really
gussied the place up.
Yes, right before the husband
burned his fingers off
in a tragic accident.
Snickerdoodle?
Oh.
That timer, however.
Curious thing.
We reset it 14 times
and it goes off every day
at exactly 3:00.
Why 3:00, you may ask?
Demonic forces mocking
the Holy Trinity?
No.
Soccer practice.
(SIGHS)
I think we'll pass.
Mm.
No, no, no, no, no.
Hey, hey y'all!
Hey, hey, wait!
Wait, wait, wait!
No, no, no, no, no!
Wait! Hey, wait! Hey, wait!
Ms. Price,
we are not interested.
It's haunted,
but not the way we want to be
haunted.
Well, I love it.
And I would stay here
for eternity.
SUSAN:
Listen, listen, I'm gonna find
you something better.
I'm gonna find--
Please, please,
just give me one more chance!
I won't take a single cent
of commission!
My entire cup will go to y'all!
Come on, babe. Let's go home
and drink some absinthe
and forget all
of this ever happened, okay.
SUSAN:
Please!
Okay, well, I'll be in touch!
(SCREAMS)
You know, Susan,
I usually don't see patients
this late.
But for you,
I'll make an exception.
I found a house.
But the blueprints didn't
disclose that the structure
perfectly forms a pentagram,
like that rec center
in Charleston.
What? No.
In order to buy my dream home,
I have to jump through
all these hoops
to convince the seller that
I'm worth selling to.
Like that time you had
to convert to Judaism
in the battle of that dybbuk?
No.
Aren't you supposed
to just listen?
I'm sorry.
It's late.
Continue.
I just--
I just-- I-- I don't--
Ugh! I'm a big ball
of nerves these days.
(STATICS)
Well, that's peculiar.
Hmm. That's what I get
for buying a TV on Craigslist.
Wait, Doc!
Hello?
Who is this?
Excuse me, you did not book
a group session.
My cruelty!
(GASPS)
Susan, take a seat.
Let's talk about those hoops.
Hey, Doc?
I think I need
to speak with a specialist.
I can't believe she's letting
y'all shoot in here.
CREW MEMBER 1:
We paid her.
You paid her?
I paid her.
How much did you pay her?
Hi.
It's good to see you again.
In this new form,
you look majestic.
(CHUCKLES)
Thanks.
You do, too.
What brings you here?
You don't know?
I'm seeking guidance.
Against the ones
who are angry with you?
There are many of them.
Who are they?
Why are they angry with me?
I don't know anyone
angry with me.
There are hundreds of them.
Displaced.
Without homes.
What the heck
are you talking about?
I find people homes.
I'm a real estate agent.
No, they're coming through
clearly.
They're furious.
Hundreds of them.
Oh, oh.
Oh, they're screaming.
So much screaming!
Can I help them?
What can I do?
Leave!
(SIGHS)
Mother of pearl,
it's all making sense now.
If it were a snake,
it would have bit me
in the behind.
Is my door open?
What the heck?
(SCOFFS)
(PANTING)
What the heck is going on?
(PANTING)
She was right.
Ms. Evy was right.
(STATICS)
(GASPS)
Spirits.
They don't have anywhere to go.
It's about 2:00 a.m.
and I am sleeping in my car.
Well, I'm trying to sleep
in my car.
I'm terrified, to be honest.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
But I got a feeling
I better figure it out
as soon as possible.
I really thought I was doing
the right thing.
Sending all those spirits out
in the great beyond,
but I--
I guess I didn't know
where I was sending 'em.
Damn.
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
This morning I was woken up
by a text message
from Ms. Amanda Duncan.
And she informed me that
her clients, who bought
my dream house, are asking
for an additional 20%.
(SOBS)
It's like Meemaw
always used to say,
"If it ain't the bed bugs,
it's the ants."
(PHONE RINGING)
(SIGHS)
Hello?
PATTY: (ON PHONE)
Hello. Susan, I need your help.
Patty?
PATTY: (ON PHONE)
You're the only one who knows
about ghosts.
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
(ENGINE STARTS)
Patty Sherman called me
in a tizzy, begging me
to drive out
to the senior living community
where they moved.
Somethin' about how I was
the only one that could help.
(KEYS CLINKING)
(CAR HORNS)
PATTY:
When we moved in, we were two
of 20 residents.
Now it's only us
and the gentleman down the hall.
BRUCE:
Charlie.
-What?
-Charlie.
His name's Charlie.
Bruce, who gives a rip
what his name is?
Well, I bet he does.
PATTY:
We thought it was odd that
the place got so empty,
but now we know why.
There is something screwy
going on here.
Two nights ago,
Bruce's walker was hopping up
and down in the kitchen.
I woke up and saw it
springing back and forth.
This might sound crazy,
but last night I woke up
to the sound of
my dentures chattering.
They were in the bathroom,
in a cup,
chomping all by themselves.
You wanna hear the worst part?
Bruce, that is inappropriate.
What's the worst part?
They keep hiding my dick pills.
Bruce, the ghosts are not taking
your medication.
Susan,
you said you know about ghosts.
Can you help us?
Patty, I'm fixing to update
my business model.
Let's make a deal.
You get the spirits out
of this building,
and we will break our contract
with Amanda Duncan
and sell you the house.
Hush your mouth, Patty!
Oh, ain't you just as sweet
as pecan pie?
We will figure this all out.
Oh.
(LAUGHS)
()
Hey, Father, I need your help.
Hey, Anders.
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Hi there.
No. Wait, don't hang up.
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Thank you all
for joining me here.
We're still waiting
on some folks,
but we may as well get started.
This is a big job
and I need all the help
I can get.
A train derailed on this site
nearly 80 years ago.
Hundreds
of passengers were killed
in the crash and never made it
to their final destination.
Or their final destination.
Instead,
they are roaming the halls
of New Horizons.
We've got to help these spirits
and the seniors living here
both find peace.
With these blueprints,
I have devised a full plan
to utilize each team member's
strengths.
It's high time we knuckle down
and do our damn best.
()
It's a smidge after 9:00 p.m.,
and we've begun
our investigation.
I split the group up
to cover the most ground
on a tight timeline.
I got Father Doyle
in the management office,
blessing all deed
and zoning documents.
Patty and Bruce are monitoring
our surveillance gear.
And I am with Ms. Evy here
doing a full psychic reading
of all the apartments.
(DEVICE BEEPS)
DOYLE:
Oh my lord.
Mm.
I can't believe how much they
charged these poor saps
to live here.
(CHUCKLES)
But I'm sure the amenities
are fantastic.
You know what?
I saw an aquarium.
Those things don't come cheap,
you know.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh, oh, oh, oh sugar.
Oh, fiddlesticks.
I hope they got a copy
of this one.
()
Whosever in here with me?
I'm warning you now.
I haven't eaten since brunch.
And I'm a bitch on wheels.
(LIGHT FLICKERS)
Oh boy.
Well, either there's a ghost
or that overdue electric bill
over there.
PATTY:
Lord almighty.
Susan!
Now how am I supposed to read
my funnies?
Would you zip it already?
(AIR WHOOSHES)
Did you hear that?
I took out
my hearing aids hours ago.
()
Ms. Evy, you doing okay?
There's an overload
of bad energy here.
You ain't lying.
I'm sweating like a sinner
in church.
(IN DEMONIC VOICE)
You should be.
(SCREAMS)
(STUFF FALLING IN BACKGROUND)
(SCREAMS)
Ms. Evy?
Ms. Evy?
Ms. Evy?
Ms. Evy, are you okay?
Oh, hells bells.
-(GROWLS)
-(SUSAN SCREAMS)
Bruce!
(MACHINE WHIRRING IN DISTANCE)
()
(STATIC)
Susan!
Anybody know
where the breaker is?
()
Dear lord.
Deliver us from evil.
And protect us
at our most vulnerable time.
(GRUNTS)
I command you to stop.
You're being incredibly rude!
(STATIC)
()
Oh, oh, Susan!
(TAKING DEEP BREATHES)
-The lights went out.
-Shh, I know, I know.
PATTY:
We saw things that
I cannot explain.
A self-driving rascal scooter.
That-- that was a ghost, Bruce.
No, I read about those.
They're called Teslas.
Patty, I got some bad news.
I cannot get the spirits out
of this place.
Why not?
I am being punished
by every ghost
I have ever displaced
from every house
I've ever sold.
And somehow they have all taken
up residence inside
of Ms. Evy.
I can't do this anymore.
What about our deal?
Don't you want the house?
(IN DEMONIC VOICE)
Come out, Susan.
It's so warm and cozy
inside your friend here.
(LAUGHS)
No.
No, I don't want the house.
I have made a career off
of displacing the most
vulnerable of souls.
The lost, the desperate,
the lonely.
And it's time
I make it all right.
You're a real weirdo, Susan.
You're darn right I am.
Father, meet me
in the rec room in five.
We're gonna need salt
and a circle of binding.
Mm-hmm.
Bruce, you stay there,
read your paper.
Patty, come with me.
Okay, okay.
That way.
Come on.
You gotta be careful
with these sigils.
Precision is key.
One wrong rune
and you can find yourself
in a hell dimension or worse.
INTERVIEWER:
What's worse
than a hell dimension?
Mothers for Easter.
-SUSAN: Ms. Evy, no, stop!
-Oh, oh, dear God.
-SUSAN: Stop, stop!
-Dear God.
(SUSAN SCREAMS)
Alright. (CLAPPING)
Places, people.
(GROWLS)
Now, do it now!
(LAUGHS)
(HONKING)
(GRUNTS)
()
What's the plan, Susan?
(IN DEMONIC VOICE)
Yeah, Susie, what's the plan?
I got a decade
of bad behavior to make up for.
I'm buying this place.
We can live here, all of us.
(IN DEMONIC VOICE)
If you think you can kick us
out of this, woman?
You are mistaken.
We found this fixer-upper
and we are not leaving.
All the spirits I cast out.
It's time to summon 'em back.
To find them a home.
(IN DEMONIC VOICE)
We have a home.
I mean a forever home.
For all of us!
Father Doyle.
Lost souls.
Demons.
Forgotten creatures
from realms that men
fear to tread.
I bind thee.
With these words, I shackle you.
And with words, I set you free.
The horn of heaven reigns.
What's that racket?
(CAR HONKS AND WHIRRING
IN DISTANCE)
They made it!
Who?
Dds Bringeren!
(LAUGHS)
Who's Dds Bringeren?
()
(LAUGHING)
()
(SPEAKS NORWEGIAN)
()
(SINGING IN NORWEGIAN)
()
(CLAPPING IN BACKGROUND)
Holy shit. Far out.
My name's Charlie.
Any-- anybody got any drugs?
What happened?
SUSAN:
You don't remember?
I remember we were in a hallway.
And everything went dark.
And it felt like I was sharing
a porta potty with 200 people.
I still don't know
if this is gonna work.
But it's the best I could do.
I gotta a lot of apologies
to make
and a lot of explaining to do.
So if you'll excuse me,
I got a long night ahead of me.
()
Looking for a new experience
this Halloween?
Why not book a stay at this
authentic haunted
apartment complex,
where you can rent a room
and mingle with actual ghosts.
The owner
and former real estate agent,
Susan Price,
promises that every room
in the building is occupied with
at least one paranormal entity.
(ROCK MUSIC)
(HOWLS)
(LAUGHING)
If you'd told me a year ago
that I'd be living
in an apartment building
with over 250 confirmed spirits.
Ain't no way I ever would've
believed you.
But here we are.
Forget Transylvania.
Forget Salem, Massachusetts.
This right here
is the premier supernatural
vacation destination.
Now if you'll care to join us,
I've got a tour starting.
Hey, folks, how we doing today?
Welcome to the Ghostel.
So happy to have y'all here.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
()
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(LAUGHTER)
()
()
(LYRICS IN NORWEGIAN)
()