Four Against the Bank (2016) Movie Script
1
FOUR FACING THE BANK
Show me the money!
Come on, that's bullshit!
Take five! What's wrong?
The take was perfect.
- "Show me the money"?
You stole that from Jerry Maguire!
- I was two when it came out.
Okay.
Then say, "Show me the... cash."
Better?
That sucks even more!
That sucks even more than
this shitty movie, and this shitty set!
I know... I know you had a role
in some TV series...
Wait a second, I starred in
the biggest German TV series of all time!
Got it?
- And now you do student shorts
for 100 euros a day.
But you said 200!
That was before I knew
you were a little diva.
You filthy little...
PETER
THE ACTOR
Chris! Chris! Chris!
CHRIS
THE BOXER
I'm responsible for this agency's
top ten kick-ass ad campaigns!
That's the way it is.
Remember the Volkswagen campaign?
That was me!
The Bitburger World Cup spot? Me!
But when it's time
to choose a creative director,
a job I've worked nine years for,
what do you do?
You give it to Gustav!
I'm so sick of this agency!
None of you
ever appreciated my creative vision.
Not one of you.
That's why
I'm going to say something to my bosses
from the bottom of my heart:
Fuck you. Fuck you all!
While you wasted your money
on whores and fast cars...
I'm talking to you, Alex.
I was saving my money.
Because I knew that someday
you'd stab me in the back.
And now I'll take my money
and open my own agency.
Then I'm going to crush you.
I'm going to pound you into the ground!
You're all dead!
Okay, that's enough.
Security!
Seriously?
I've had 12 years of Karate lessons.
MAX
THE AD MAN
Would you like to open
an investment account?
No thanks.
Are you sure?
Sometimes "no" can also mean "yes,"
or "yes, maybe."
Even though, in most cases,
"no" does mean "no."
Unless of course we were playing
some sort of exciting role game,
and we were tied to refrigerators,
for instance.
We'd have safe words
so we'd know that "no" means "yes."
Or that "chocolate pudding"
means "no,"
and "pickles" means "yes."
Do you want an account now?
No.
Pardon me, would you like
to open an investment account?
If you say "pickles"
I'll staple your ears to your balls!
Perverted asshole!
TOBIAS
INVESTMENT ADVISOR
Chris!
The kick has to come right from the hip.
That's right, from the hip.
- Hey, Chris. Over here.
I'll be right there, ladies.
I'll be right there.
Great job, girls!
On Thursday, I'll be even harder on you.
- The harder, the better.
How long are you going to play this game?
- Game?
Yeah, putting your hands on their hips,
their butts, their breasts...
Hey, I don't touch breasts.
At least not at work.
Come on, Chris.
You can't go on like this.
This is nothing. It's just a scratch.
That's not what the doctor said.
You can't renew your fighting license.
And your retina is in terrible condition.
A boxer can knock me out,
but not some stupid retina.
I don't need a retina.
I've still got eagle eyes.
That's disinfectant.
- I saw that.
I've still got women's boxing.
- Yeah,
until your six-pack turns into a beer keg
and your joints give out.
Do you think women are still
going to pay you to rook their hips?
I may be a little blind,
but I'm not dumb.
Let me show you something.
I hear you scared away another customer.
- I didn't scare her away,
I just don't like to con people
out of their money. It's immoral.
That's the business.
- Yes, according to Schumacher.
The guy's a slimebucket.
- A slimebucket?
He treats our customers like crap,
cheats on his wife,
and promotes his employees based on
breast size, not qualifications.
Thanks, Tobias.
- Sorry. You deserved your breasts...
I mean, your promotion.
Wanna grab a coffee sometime?
Where you're standing
will be the boxing ring.
The heart of it all.
The punching bags will go back there,
and the speed bags, you know?
And the lockers will go over there,
like in Mickey's Gym.
Mickey's Gym?
- From Rocky, with Sylvester Stallone.
The mats go over there,
with weights and a place to jump rope.
How can you afford all this?
- I've saved money all my life.
I invested my money really well,
and tomorrow
it's finally going to pay off.
I'll sign the contract,
and live my dream.
You dreamer.
What are you going to put down there?
- Oh, that'll be a sauna.
A sauna?
- Yeah. I'll show you.
I have to think
of my female clients too, after all.
Can't you think of me for a second?
- Yes, of course.
Can you spit that out, please?
- Oh yeah.
I'll chew it later.
- Chris?
Can we skip foreplay today?
- Okay.
I have to get home.
It's my husband's birthday.
Why is this door closed?
- Because of... flies.
Flies?
- Yes.
Tiny little flies flying in and out,
the little rascals.
Tobias?
Do you know how many banks I supervise?
Nine. Nine banks.
I've got investment advisors shitting
heaps of money in eight of those banks.
But in the ninth bank,
the investment advisor is a real loser.
I mean an all-round loser.
Yeah, the guy doesn't even have friends.
And between us,
I think he's still a virgin.
Oh, God!
He sounds like a real zero.
Tobias?
I'm talking about you.
I've had lots of sex.
Heaps of sex.
Well, I mean not so much...
but I've got this problem...
with nudity.
I don't like being naked.
But I've set my sights on somebody,
and...
I just don't want to rush her...
My father probably hired you
because he thought you were
a wiz with numbers,
but you're only an expert
in one number: zero.
At least I always break even.
I'm cautious with my client's accounts...
I've got it!
Why don't you become a math teacher?
Tons of vacation, no stress.
I'm not resigning, and you can't fire me
for no reason. It's in my contract.
Mr Schumacher, I didn't get
the market report for today.
If there are any big changes
in the market,
I need to know that for my clients.
Call the head office.
It's probably a glitch.
I already called four times.
They won't return my calls.
They disrespected me.
What do you expect?
I expect you to apologize.
Get on your knees and beg for your job!
- Forget it. No way.
Your temper gets the best of you.
- Don't forget,
I had to pull a lot of strings
to get you a job in that agency.
And I've worked my ass off for them
for nine years!
They're nothing without me!
- No, you're nothing without them!
I'm not helping you again.
- I don't need your help.
I've saved up some money:100,000 euros.
I'm going to use it
to open my own agency.
"Chris's Boxing Joint."
Man, that sounds fancy!
Are you trying to get killed?
- I can see the headline:
"Wife Runs Down Jogging Movie Star
and Still Manages...
to Get the Girls to School on Time."
Hi, cuties.
- Hi, Papa.
I left you some scrambled eggs.
- Okay, bye!
Remember to pay the heating bill.
- Pay the heating bill, got it.
BAERENBANK AG
ACCOUNT NUMBER
So...
Time to put the cash
in my pocket.
Here's proof,
if you don't believe me.
Take a look.
- 272 euros?
Mom, that's 6,800 shares of...
- Rotary Global? -Yup.
Whatever it is,
at four cents a share
that makes 272 euros.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
Tobias Bluemel!
- Bluemel!
Calm down, gentlemen.
I want to talk to my investment advisor!
- We want to talk to Bluemel!
He's a fraud!
- Bluemel! Show yourself, coward!
I don't know what...
- Oh, these things happen.
Too bad the board doesn't like it
when one of our employees gambles away
the life savings of his clients.
I didn't gamble anything,
I just didn't get the emails.
Oh right, the glitch.
No, look at this.
There's nothing there.
See? Nothing.
The market reports!
Suddenly they're all there!
Oh man.
It breaks my heart, Tobias,
but I have to ask
for your immediate resignation.
You did this.
You did this.
That's despicable!
You're scum!
You're a monster!
Those men trusted me, they trusted us!
They trusted us with their savings!
And you just let...
let, let, let them lose it!
Wow, I'm impressed, Tobias!
You've got talent!
I don't mean to be fussy,
but Heidi's nipples are oval,
and she trims her bush
into a landing strip.
Like this. Yeah.
She's an incredible girl.
I think she'll look good in your office.
I want you out of here in an hour,
got it?
And Tobias,
leave us a few drawings.
Assholes!
- Get out of here! -Bastard!
Or we'll call the cops!
- You're bastards! Fucking bastards!
Get lost!
- Fuckers!
Let's get a drink.
The bank always wins.
- I could've bought a kick-ass car,
kick-ass clothes, a kick-ass new retina.
- I'll never apologize. Never!
Freddie always believed in me.
No matter what.
She always believed in me.
And now she believes we've got savings.
- I won't crawl back to them!
That account has been empty for a year.
I couldn't land a single job!
I could've been a pimp, but no!
I had to save up!
I'm not even a boxer anymore.
I'm blind, burned out and drunk.
She'll leave me.
She'll take the kids, and...
The bank always wins.
- My dad never trusted them.
You know where he hid his money?
In the litter box.
But the cats shit in there.
- Yup.
The bank always wins.
- Are you a broken record or what?
The bank always wins.
If I ever see that advisor again...
- Tobias Bluemel.
Bluemel, Tobias.
Fuckface Bluemel.
There he is.
- Fuckface!
I'll beat the shit out of you!
If I ever...
- Hey, don't break my cellphone, too!
I'd do it real clean,
with no evidence or suspects.
How?
- First...
I'd stick little tacks in his eyeballs,
And then I'd rip the hair off his balls
with packing tape.
That hurts like hell.
And when he's lying there,
naked and blind like a little baby bird,
I'd drive a steam-roller over him,
again and again. Back and forth.
And when his entrails are flat
and his intestines are bulging out,
I'd dissolve him with acid.
I saw that on CSI once.
Caustic, high-quality acid,
till there's nothing left of him.
Not even a little pile of shit!
Holy crap! Pinch me!
I said "pinch," you freak!
- Oh, man!
That's fuckface!
I'm gonna beat him up!
- He's mine!
We'll go straight to jail
if we whack him here.
See you soon, Bluemel.
The door's reinforced.
- I'll do it, fool.
That's how I do it too.
- Sure.
We're Jehovah's Witnesses.
Hey, not so fast!
Shut the hell up
or I'll bite off your tongue, got it?
Good, then we can begin.
Do you know who we are?
- He asked if you know who we are!
What'?
Take that thing out of his mouth.
One wrong word
and your Wiener is toxic waste!
Podolski!
Juergen Podolski!
The fastest colt in West Germany!
- Colt?
How did you...
I got every episode of
Bullet & Podolski on DVD. Look!
He's right! You're that actor!
You're that actor!
Okay. Yes, I am.
What actor?
Lukas Podolski!
- The soccer player? -No!
Commissar Juergen Podolski!
How did I not realize it was you?
We only talked on the phone.
- I never watched it.
You were really famous. What happened?
- I'm still an actor, yeah?
I've got class. I turn down shitty jobs.
- I have to say,
you were much better than Bullet.
- Bullet was a total phony.
He went on to Hollywood.
He was totally overrated!
Season 3, episode 12:
The Stripper, Drug Ring Crash.
That was world class acting.
- Yes, it was an intense period for me.
I went undercover for four days
to prepare.
Yes, it was so authentic!
Your talent is...
Can we get back to the task at hand?
- Let the man finish!
"My talent is..."
- Your talent is...
"My talent..." Over here.
"My talent is..."
Oscar-worthy! Oscar-worthy!
Tobias, I want you to know
that this is your last day
on planet Earth.
I'm going to dissect you.
Piece by piece.
And the last thing I'll do
is cut off your balls,
stick them in a jar and put them
on the shelf with your collection.
He's bluffing, right?
- I think so.
I'm innocent, really!
I, I...
I only wanted the best for my clients!
I mean, I'm not perfect.
Once I took a soda from the machine
because it was lying there,
and I make nude drawings of my colleague,
but that's it!
What'? Yuck!
Do you jerk off to them?
At your desk?
- No! That's sick!
He winked!
- I didn't wink.
I saw it too.
You must be lying.
Oh, he did it again!
- No, I didn't do anything!
I really am a good guy!
I'm Tinkerbell, and that's Lady Di.
So, I've heard enough!
Time to kiss your balls goodbye!
You killed him!
- What? I didn't touch him!
You're my witnesses!
The chair jumped with him on it!
Does anybody know CPR?
- Yeah.
He can't breathe. Unbutton his shirt.
Stop! Stop! Not naked!
Don't undress me!
Do me a favor and just kill me quickly.
I've lost everything as it is.
What about us?
- It wasn't me!
The bank director sabotaged
your accounts.
Now it's your boss's fault?
- Yes, he did it so he could fire me!
He didn't care
if a few clients went bankrupt.
I'll knock him out!
- Not with us!
If that's true, why don't you go
to the police and tell them your version?
Who will they believe?
Schumacher, the director
of 9 profitable German banks,
or me?
- The guy who spanks his monkey at work.
I didn't spank anything!
- Of course you didn't.
Come here, sit up. Nice and slow.
You just said "profitable banks."
How profitable are they?
Baerenbank AG is worth about six billion.
- What about in the bank?
Is there a few million
in the building every day?
No, only on Fridays.
Friday is "moving day."
The money is moved to headquarters.
- "Moving day!"
"Moving day?"
- They move the money, lazy eye!
Can the three of us talk'?
- It's hypothetical.
Hypothetical?
- So, what would happen
if a few million went missing?
The bank is insured for things like that.
There would be an investigation.
The police would come and ask questions.
So no customers would lose any money?
- No, it's not the Wild West.
It'd be a crime with no victims.
Boys, come with me.
Now.
Are you actually considering this?
- The means justifies the end.
The end justifies the means, idiot!
If it's robbing a bank, then it sucks!
We lost our money
to a corporation we invested in
because we're losers! We're all losers!
I sound like my dad!
So get lost. A few million divided by two
is way more than divided by three!
Or is that wrong?
- No, that's right.
We have to give Tobias a cut.
- The wanker?
We need him. He knows the bank.
He's our insider.
If we really want to rob a bank
we need to be a team
where everyone has a role.
The insider is the key!
How would you know?
- I've caught plenty of bank robbers!
On TV, Mr Bullet & Podemski!
On TV!
His name is Commissioner Lukas Podolski!
It's Juergen.
- Whatever!
Show him some respect,
you little snot!
This is bullshit. Total bullshit!
You know what's bullshit?
My family will have to scrape by.
We'll eat canned ravioli every day
because some banker
decided to fire that jerk-off!
It's bullshit because
I can't pay the fucking heating bill!
I want what's mine.
- I want my hard-earned money back.
That's right, Chris.
- Plus a little extra.
For all the psychological stress.
- Sure, we can take as much as we want.
What's the deal?
Are you in, or not?
For the record, this whole thing
makes me very, very nervous.
Duly noted, Goldilocks.
Hey, Tobi!
- Hey!
Time to wake up.
- Come on out.
Careful.
- It's cozy in there, huh?
Careful.
Leave it on.
- Nobody wants to undress you.
I just want to straighten your tie.
- Tobi.
Do you mind if I call you Tobi?
You know,
that bank really screwed you over.
How'd you like to even the score?
- And while you're at it,
get yourself a sack full of money?
When do we start?
That's our Tobi.
And you play poker?
- Till our finger tips bleed.
I've never seen them.
You married a talented
and well-loved man.
Is my little honey bee jealous?
- No way.
It's just weird.
We've been married 11 years,
and I've never seen you play poker.
Is it 11 years already?
And you've been acting strange lately.
- How so?
Why did you ask
the heating company for an extension?
Okay, you got me.
It was supposed to be a surprise.
Our investment advisor...
He's just incredible!
He calls me two days ago and says
the market is...
going through the roof.
We wait a few days, then: jackpot!
It's great, right?
Yeah, great.
Are you hot?
No.
Okay, it's time for a nice round
of Texas shuffle.
You do know it's called
Texas hold 'em, right?
You do know smart asses
get beat up, right?
So, concentrate.
Our bank.
- Where'd you get that?
City hall.
- They just gave it to you?
If the hot secretary
is in your boxing course,
and you really give it to her,
she'll get it for you.
Does it check out?
- It looks right.
Here's the plan: We storm in,
kick the shit out of anybody
who gets in our way,
then we grab the cash.
- That's brilliant!
You make Einstein look like a retard!
- Hey!
Another wisecrack and Einstein
will tack those locks to your ass!
Your dentures are slipping.
Look! -What?
We'll need the code for the safe room.
It changes daily.
Excuse me?
- Who's got the code?
Ralf, he's the vice manager.
That's his office.
What does he look like?
- You deaf?
He's about 5 foot 8 inches,
with a button nose, gray hair.
About like this.
He looks like a girl.
Whatever.
Here's the new plan:
We storm in, kick the shit out of Ralf,
get the code,
and then we grab the cash.
Every employee has am alarm button.
If we storm in and crack heads,
they'll call the police.
Maybe we should be more discreet.
Fuck discreet!
- Wait, first thing's first.
We need our roles.
- Keep that up and you'll get fat.
Chris, you're the muscle.
Tobias, you're the insider.
As for me, I'm more of a strategist,
so I should be your leader.
Why? Because you're an actor?
- Do you object'?
I think some of us have real experience,
but that's okay.
My talents are always underestimated
by men old enough to be my dad!
I would've had to start pretty early...
- No problem. Let's take a vote.
Who wants me to be the leader?
So, what's my role, great leader?
- You drive the getaway car.
No, forget it.
Rocky can drive the getaway car.
Why me?
- You're belligerent and half blind.
If you mess up and kill somebody,
I'll get arrested for murder too.
And unlike you guys,
I've got my whole life ahead of me.
Don't count on it.
- Do you need glasses to drive?
I don't have glasses.
- I've got glasses.
Okay, fine. But it's gotta go fast.
I needed that money yesterday.
We need to do our homework.
First, we spy on the bank.
I'll get the keys to the bathroom
and the side entrance.
Then we'll do a test run,
and get tools:
The getaway car, masks and guns.
What'?
I just binged on the first season
of Bullet & Podolski again. Crazy!
I never thought
I'd be Podolski's partner.
But we're not using real guns, right?
No, we'll shoot water guns.
- I think we need real guns.
But we'll use blanks.
Here goes.
Morning, Ralf.
11 o'clock. On the dot.
- His bowel movements are like clockwork.
11:00 - RALF IS TAKING A CRAP.
Hey! Tobias!
Susanne!
- Repair service.
You're an angel.
When do you need it back?
No rush. My husband hasn't
played with his tools for years.
He's too busy with his affairs.
- Sounds like true love.
I ignored the first affairs,
but when they hit double digits
I gave up on true love.
Yeah.
- Well?
How about a quickie?
I'd love to, but I can't today.
This is more important.
- ls everything okay?
Sort of.
Soon everything will sort of be okay.
I have to get back. Bye!
This is a bank robbery!
Show me the money!
Show me the money!
Come on, people!
Or I'll start shooting!
It's okay! It's just a candy bar!
COCOA BLASTER
4 minutes, 16 seconds.
- Damn, they're fast!
Wow! Who's that?
Dr. Elisabeth Zollner.
I'd spar with her any day.
She heads a bank robbery task force.
She catches the big fish.
How do you know?
- She gives a course at the bank
about professional conduct
during bank robberies.
She has perfect breasts.
- I bet she makes you shake your Wiener.
Say that one more time
and I'll staple your ears to your balls.
Wow! What happened to you?
I like it! Respect!
It was a false alarm.
Just a bum with a candy bar.
Close the bank.
I need statements from all witnesses.
Seriously? It was a candy bar!
There must be 30 witnesses!
She didn't ask for your opinion.
- No one goes till they make a statement.
Then your people stormed in,
and that's all I saw.
You look familiar.
- Really?
Is it possible I've seen you before?
No, I don't think so.
I doubt it, anyway.
I guess I just have one of those faces.
Did you deposit the money?
- Pardon?
You were leaving.
Did you deposit the money?
Yes.
Thanks.
Next.
10, 15, 20...
35, 40, 45.
Hey, we said 50!
45, 50...
What difference does it make?
I could ask the cops
what difference it makes.
Five more. Come on.
- Listen up, crab louse.
Take the cash and scram,
or I'll give you five fingers!
I'll beat the shit out of you!
- Do you have to beat people up?
I'm utilizing my talents.
- Then why didn't you screw him?
You think you're hot shit
because you studied?
What's your highest degree?
A driver's license?
I've got a masters from Heidelberg, so...
Pull yourselves together.
Just a few more days,
and then we go our separate ways.
Now shake hands.
Shake hands. Both of you.
Just rise above it.
Luckily it was just a false alarm.
- You can never be too sure.
I'd like to see an overview
of all teller transactions.
Is that really necessary?
Our client's privacy...
- I don't want to know amounts.
I want a list of who was here,
and what transactions took place, okay?
Tell me, Dr. Zollner...
Do you mind if I call you Lizzy?
I don't know when you're off duty, but...
I know a cute Italian place.
- Really?
What a coincidence.
I know a cute Italian too.
Massimo?
Would you accompany Mr Schumacher
to his office?
Hey, buddy. Want a Rolex?
- Keep moving.
Chris?
Chris "Iron Fist" Hoffmann!
Is it really you?
Twiggy! Rolfi!
I haven't seen you guys in forever!
Not long enough for me
to forget your ugly mug!
What an ugly mug!
- Yeah, I heard you were in prison.
Three years in Moabit.
But they were the best years of my life.
- Mine too. It was great.
We miss you.
The old gang and all.
What's new with you?
- Yeah.
Oh!
I've got a new life, new future,
new woman! I'm opening my own gym.
Wow!
- No shit!
Chris is a real businessman, like us!
- Right!
Awesome!
Why are we doing this here?
- Long term parking.
By the time they realize their car's
been stolen, we'll be long gone.
What happens if we find an unlocked car?
- Then Tobias will hot-wire it.
You know how to hot-wire a car?
- You bet your ass, I can.
I love the new Tobias. High five!
What's that?
- This?
I tattooed it myself.
It's Japanese for...
"Universe."
- "Universe?"
How stupid is that?
- Stupid?
It's retarded to tattoo yourself.
- Retarded?
Are you deaf, Grandpa? It hurts, it's...
- That's it.
You've insulted me.
I'm gonna rearrange your face.
Give it a try, Grandpa.
You'd better order a new hip.
Stay still! Stay still!
My crane is legendary.
- Hey, I found one!
Sorry! I thought we were fighting!
- I've got Band-Aids.
Can you guys focus for one second.
Come on!
When you said you knew
how to hot-wire a car...
He can do it.
You've done it before, right?
Technically, I've only seen it done.
What'? Don't tell me you saw it on
Bullet & Podolski!
Oh, man! I take it all back!
The new Tobias has a screw loose!
- Hey, my screws are all... tight.
Season 6, episode 3.
- The one with the blonde secretary?
No, the one with the transvestite's
donor kidney in the trash compactor.
Donor kidney?
- I don't believe it! -Me neither!
Hey, I did a hell of a job
at the bank!
Nobody believed in me!
If I say I can do it, I can do it!
I did it! I did it!
- He did it!
You did it!
I told you he could do it!
- I did it!
CHECKOU That'll be 87,50, please.
- Sure.
Do we have any money?
I'll pay with my card.
- No cards.
They can trace it back to you.
You can't use a card.
One moment.
What are we going to do?
- Just smash through the barrier.
She already saw my face.
Please don't say you have to kill her.
Can he read minds?
- Any ideas, leader?
Can you seduce her?
- What?
No, that's not my strong suit.
I usually just crash and burn.
Even better. Crash and burn
as hard as you possibly can.
Feed her your best line!
- I don't have any.
You don't have any?
- He doesn't have any!
Whatever, just do something! Go!
Excuse me,
would you have coffee with me?
I mean, would you have sex with me?
No, have coffee, but no sex?
Unless you'd like to have sex.
I have condoms. One condom.
Do I need more than one?
- Keep going!
I won't leave here without a date.
You can choose: coffee with sex,
or without sex, or maybe with sex...
Never park here again.
Okay.
We've got a getaway car! Hey!
She didn't like me.
- Sure she did!
Didn't you see how she looked at you?
- She wanted to marry you!
Okay, here's the plan.
At exactly 11:00,
when code man Ralf
goes to the bathroom
to have a nice dump,
Chris makes a scene
in the lobby.
I distract Laurel and Hardy
from security:
"Hey, you guys!"
And they take me outside,
in front of the bank.
- I make my way over here and wait.
While I make my way to the bathroom,
to get the code
from our little pooper,
while Max...
While I wait for Peter's signal.
Do the signal.
Hey, we're in a bank,
not a forest!
Whatever! I'll think of something else.
- Okay.
So, I wait for Max's signal.
Do a signal.
Let's go, buffalo!
- Now that's a signal!
I'll cuff Laurel and Hardy
to the glass doors,
and jump in the getaway car.
- Then it goes really fast.
I grab all the cash,
and we leave
through this side exit.
Where I'll be waiting to escape with you
into the urban jungle.
And even if any of these bank idiots
hits the alarm,
we'll be in and out
in less than 4 minutes.
It's brilliant. It's brilliant!
Is that good, or is that good?
- It's double good!
What about me?
- What about you?
Well, where am I?
I don't even have a doll.
You don't want me there.
You jerks don't want me there!
I'm the insider, damn it!
I organized the car and the keys, and...
- Calm down.
It's not like that.
- Then where's my doll?
After we do the robbery,
that task force chick...
Zollner.
- Then Zollner will show up.
She'll go through her list
of everyone with a motive.
And who has a better motive than you?
Am I supposed to just wait at home?
- You need an airtight alibi.
Throw a little party that day.
- Sure, a party.
I'm not exactly a party animal,
if you haven't noticed.
Don't sell yourself short!
We need a place where
lots of people see you,
and testify they were with you
at the time of the robbery.
Or that you were with them.
POPE VISI Can someone please tell me
what's going on here?
JESUS GIVE ME STRENGTH
SECURITY AND MONEY TRANSPOR Peace be with you, brother.
I've seen him six times already.
His voice speaks through me.
Here, feel.
Can you feel his energy
flowing through me?
Morning, Ralf.
Is it 11:00 already?
Death to banks!
We're coming for our money!
They take our hard-earned money,
and wipe their white,
capitalist asses with it!
And their shit sticks to our money!
Can't you smell it?
Hey, fatty! Go away!
I'm giving a lecture!
It's a free country!
Buy yourself a ticket by the entrance!
Laurel and Hardy!
Don't worry.
The Holy Father is never late.
He is ultimate perfection.
The light of the sun in the firmament,
as deep as the ocean...
Ralf Niester,
this is an armed robbery!
Give me the code for the safe room. Now!
- Dieter, is that you?
Let me take a shit in peace!
Yippie ki yay, motherfucker.
The code.
I can do it!
I can do it!
They're counting on me.
Hey, fatty!
Come and get me!
Looking for this?
Good night!
Nobody move!
- Everybody on the floor!
Hands up!
- Both hands!
Freeze!
- Lie down!
We should've practiced.
- I should go first.
I have a trained voice. I can project.
- I can do it just as well!
Let's save the willie contest for later,
got it?
On the ground, people!
This is a robbery!
Where are the damn wires?
Who are you?
That's better.
Motherfucker!
If I hear even one peep,
I might just...
I said shut up!
There was a sound.
I heard it loud and clear...
Huh?
Everything's fine.
Who's got the gun?
Who's got the gun?
I do!
4-5-3-7-7... what?
What'?
- Seven.
Seven?
Three sevens? Are you sure?
If I see one of you idiots even blink,
then I'll introduce you to my gun,
is that clear?
This is a real gun!
It can do a lot of damage!
Shit! Fuck!
Fuck!
Did you know these are real bullets?
- Let's discuss that later.
You lied to me!
- The blanks were sold out! Forget it!
No, that's exactly why
I wanted to be the leader!
Houston, we have a problem.
- What?
If you're in here,
who's out there?
Oh, fuck!
My fault.
- Come on!
I would've had it.
- We've got 20 seconds! Go!
Ten!
Five!
Where the hell is he?
- No idea.
Please, please, please!
This can't be happening!
Go!
Oh, God!
- I don't believe it!
Shit, it stalled!
- No!
Chris, start it and drive!
Get out and push! Go!
Push!
We are...
rich!
We're filthy rich!
Watch out, idiot!
If I ever see your ugly ass again...
- Definitely. I understand.
It was a stupid idea.
It won't happen again.
It looks like it was very well-prepared.
The two bank robbers knew
the bank had a lot of cash today.
Three.
- Pardon?
There were three perpetrators.
Write it down:
Perpetrators: three.
The two men with guns,
and a third: the distraction.
Probably also the driver.
- We'll do a composite sketch.
A waste of time.
They wore disguises.
How do you know?
- If they knew about the money,
they also knew
about the hundreds of cameras.
How much did they take?
About 2.1 million.
We'll get them.
Shall we say a few words'?
It was a good car. It wasn't the fastest,
or most reliable, but...
It burns!
Okay, boys.
Who's got the bags?
I thought you had them.
Okay, how much is it?
At least two million.
I wish I could've seen Schumacher's face!
Gentlemen, to us.
I've got to smell it first.
That smells like...
payback!
- Yeah!
This is better than jacking off!
You have a Hitler stash!
- What?
You look like the fuhrer, man!
What's wrong? Come on!
Come on, dance! Dance!
I think we have a tiny little problem.
You've got something on...
And on your...
Can you all see?
It may have been a surprise to you,
but I was expecting a bank robbery.
The homeless man who stormed the bank
last week was a piece of the puzzle.
That's why I had the bills
in the safe marked.
Hopefully the robbers will put the bills
into circulation today.
So we need to notify all banks,
gas stations and businesses.
If a toilet attendant collects
a marked bill in the boondocks,
I want to know about it.
I was afraid
we were dealing with pros,
but pros don't argue
and almost lose a gun to a civilian.
They're amateurs.
And right now they're nervous,
insecure and desperate.
And they're going mess up.
There must be something.
They always make a mistake.
Stop.
Zoom in on the wrist.
What the hell is that?
- That's the mistake.
You get the cash but it's useless.
I could've had my gym,
and women for the rest of my life.
I really feel like punching somebody.
- Oh, yeah!
It's not my fault.
- You must've known!
The bills are never marked.
I didn't know they'd pull out
the spray can the day we rob the bank!
You don't have to broadcast it.
We'll wait it out till the dust clears.
- The dust isn't going to clear!
Yes?
Yes, I remember you, Dr. Zollner.
How are you?
Yes, I saw that on television.
No problem.
She wants me to answer a few questions.
- We're all screwed!
Calm down. Hey, it's fine.
We knew this would happen.
Tobias has 50,000 eye witnesses,
including the pope.
- Right, the pope!
We have nothing to worry about.
Could you hold one second?
Fuck! It's Zollner!
Why is she calling you?
Yes, sorry about that. Yes?
Yes, I heard it on the radio.
Sure, no problem.
I'm happy to help-
You still think everything's okay?
No way!
She must have the wrong number.
Yes?
Yes, I saw it on the radio.
Okay.
Okay, then have a nice day.
Sorry, guys.
I'm sure everything will be fine.
So, why do you streak naked?
Like I said,
because I'm depressed.
So you streak naked in front of
thousands of people and the pope?
I got caught up in the moment.
I had to feel the holy wind...
on my naked, vulnerable body,
whipping me, giving me solace.
Do you know what I can't stand?
When men like you
take women like me for a fool.
I don't take you for a fool.
All I'm trying to say is
I'm not the only man with this tattoo.
- According to your file,
you're a violent man
who takes what he needs.
Our video shows a man with your tattoo
stealing 2.1 million euros.
Doesn't that seem strange?
You told me you made a deposit.
Yes.
- You lied.
I was pretty rattled.
That bum came storming in...
- Rattled?
I needed validation.
Validation from the very top.
And who's higher than the pope?
You seem nervous.
- May I have a glass of water?
No.
- Okay.
Help me out.
- Okay.
If the bank fired me and I wanted
to rob it to get my revenge,
I'd find people to do the dirty work
and make sure I had an air tight alibi.
What are you trying to say?
- Well...
A bum storms into a bank.
You're there, but don't make a deposit.
Instead, you have the chance to see
how long it takes the police to arrive.
If you had any hard evidence against me,
I'd be in handcuffs.
You're right.
We don't have hard evidence.
You're free to go.
Really? Thanks.
One more thing.
Do you know this man?
No.
When I said "no,"
I meant "yes."
Then why did you say "no"?
So you do know him?
- Yes, but I haven't seen him in ages.
Anything else?
- No, that's all.
You've been a great help.
- Glad to hear it.
Bullet & Podolski.
In the bank you said you just
had one of those faces.
You lied about that as well.
Right?
Were you followed?
- No.
Why would anyone follow me?
- You're our accomplice, you windbag.
I'm taking you down with me.
- That's enough!
They'll only catch us if we use the cash.
Should we just flush 2.1 million euros
down the toilet?
The bills are marked so they're useless.
When do they stop looking for the cash?
They stop looking
when they catch the robbers.
When Zollner has the robbers,
they'll stop looking for the money'?
All we have to do is
frame someone else for the robbery.
Bullet & Podolski. Season 2, episode 6.
- No!
Jog my memory.
- The stolen Ferrari.
They tried to frame the Mexican for it.
- Yeah!
That's it! The Mexican!
That was a damn good episode.
We just have get Zollner
to think someone else did it.
Heinrich Schumacher.
- Who?
Schumacher is a disgusting,
heartless, greedy bastard,
who's got access to the whole bank.
Schumacher is our Mexican!
But how do we convince Zollner?
I've got it.
She's single.
- No!
While Zollner was interrogating me
she got a text message
from Eternity.
She's single and hunting.
And we'll provide her with prey.
Someone she doesn't
suspect of bank robbery.
Me?
No! No!
We're a team, Max.
I'm not going to prison, got it!
Count me out!
What about the cash?
- It's not worth it!
Some of us can't just
run back to daddy's checkbook!
It's not like that.
- You want your ass powdered with caviar!
I earned every penny! Every penny!
You gonna cry?
- Don't make me kick you.
You kicked me as I looked away.
- I'll make sure you look this time.
Okay, I'll look.
- Okay. Come on!
There's something on your nose.
- Where?
Want me to break your little arm?
- Oh God!
Okay, it's fine!
- What? You give up?
Should we intervene?
I give up! Oh God!
You're in this team till the day you die!
Till I die, and beyond, okay?
That wasn't so hard.
Freddie?
You're not writing.
- No, I'm cooking your favorite meal.
Come, have a taste.
- That's great, thanks!
Yummy! Yummy!
I can explain.
A poker club?
Do you take me for a fool?
How could you?
You're in deep shit!
Our girls could grow up without a dad!
- I wasn't totally honest with you.
I gambled with our savings a bit,
but the bank messed up!
It's the bank's fault now?
- Yes, actually.
That's just... unbelievable!
How dare you!
- Please stop.
I know I messed up,
but we just found a way
to get off the hook, keep the cash,
and blame it on a real bastard.
How much money is in the bag?
Two million.
I know what you're going to say.
- I'm so mad at you,
and we'll discuss just how mad I am
with a marriage counselor soon,
but just tell me one thing:
How can I help?
How can I help
so we can keep the money'?
You think we can trust her?
- Of course you can, you twits.
If you're in trouble, so is my husband,
and neither of us want that.
We have to change the hair.
- Give me a minute.
So, take a look.
- I volunteer at a soup kitchen?
I've never done volunteer work.
- Zollner's a woman and so am I.
I know exactly what she wants
to see on a dating profile.
The other one.
We can't use your last name,
or she'll know you lost your money.
Parted in the center?
- Parted in the center? Maybe, yes.
So, your profile name is:
Mad Max.
- What?
And then maybe a dog.
- A dog?
A photo with a cute dog.
- No. I'm allergic.
A cat?
- Come on.
Yes, we need a cat.
- I'm on it.
OVERWORKED, UNDERRATED.
MAKING MY DREAMS COME TRUE.
Thursday night at 8:00?
- 7:45.
And you're sure Schumacher...
- Every Thursday at 7:45.
He'll take Heidi.
- And his wife?
She's at a charity event.
She's coming! She said yes!
We've got one chance. Let's do it right.
- You think Heidi would like this?
I gave that to you for our anniversary.
- Relax, I know they're not real,
but Heidi won't know.
- They aren't? They were expensive!
FROM A SECRET ADMIRER
That's it?
- That's it.
You can handle that, right?
- Yeah.
And one of you needs
to get this on your wrist.
What does it mean?
- It's Japanese for "universe."
What if we have to describe the guy?
- Yeah, then what?
Wow!
That's the best meal
we've had in a while.
We should do this more often.
Get a babysitter, go out...
Yeah, or rob a bank
and frame a stranger.
I'm really sorry.
I should've told you the truth earlier.
I was just too proud,
or too stupid.
Maybe this whole mess is a sign.
- Yeah?
A sign that it's time
you finally get a new job.
A reliable job.
- Wait a minute. I'm an actor!
Dustin Hoffman taught me.
Not directly, but...
It's show time.
- What?
Welcome. May I take your coat?
But of course.
- Enjoy your meal.
Thanks.
- We will.
Pardon me.
- Watch it! Wait a minute.
Is this yours?
- I'm sorry.
Gloves?
- Pardon my husband.
He's such a klutz.
- I see.
The prices here
can give you the jitters.
How did it go?
- It was a piece of cake.
Here.
Careful.
Elisabeth?
Hi, I'm...
Mad Max.
- Yes, Max.
This is my first internet date, so...
You look enchanting.
- Thanks.
You're welcome.
Oh, yeah.
There you go.
Is everything okay?
- Yes, everything's fine.
I know that man.
A glass of champagne?
- A bottle.
If anything happens,
I'll call your cells.
Okay.
What's with the necklace?
I'd like to thank my secret admirer.
- Admirer?
I'll be sure to let him know.
- Are you role playing?
That's hot.
You're not my secret admirer.
You're my gardener.
And I'm a stripper.
Who desperately needs someone
to water her bush.
His wife is much younger.
She's not his wife.
She's one of his employees.
I know him from the news!
Didn't his bank get...
Not so loud.
- Sorry. Why not?
I'm investigating the case.
Um... Are you a police officer?
Yes.
I head a bank robbery task force.
Okay, that's heavy.
- It's okay if you run. Most men do.
Why would I?
- Who knows.
My profession seems to irritate men.
Well, I think it's,
as my mom would say: sexy.
With a soft "S"?
- Zexy.
Z- Zexy?
- Yeah.
Where'd you learn that?
I had an eventful adolescence.
- Fine with me,
as long as the alarm doesn't go off.
Rocky Balboa!
- Good work!
Touch my ass again and you're toast.
- Got it.
I always played detective as a kid.
See?
Thanks, but I'll have to stop
because you can't understand me.
Yeah.
- Okay, I'll concentrate.
I'll take a guess.
Oh yes, the man appears
to have blood on his fingers.
Or is that just his lover's lipstick?
No, he's definitely guilty.
- Really?
Nice try.
Yeah, but bank director, bank robber.
Aren't they the same in the end?
They are tonight, yes.
But seriously, did you ever consider it?
- What?
In every good murder mystery,
the most unlikely suspect
is the most likely suspect.
But what do I know?
All I know is, I'd have to rob a bank
to give a girl a necklace like that.
More champagne?
It's just a thought.
What about carpentry?
You've got a talent for furniture.
Remember the doll house you built
for the girls?
Would you ask a heart surgeon
to sell shoes?
Or ask an astronaut to make sausages?
You can't compare
heart surgery to acting.
Of course not.
Acting takes years of training.
OFFSHORE BANKING
Shit!
Are you okay?
- I...
swallowed my chewing gum.
Car.
Oh, shit!
Shit, shit, shit!
Okay, I understand.
The thing is...
Chris can't move.
He can't move!
Crap! Hey, you have to get up!
- I can't!
I think I'm paralyzed.
Oh, God, I'm paralyzed!
I'll never fuck again!
It's not that bad, trust me.
- Not that bad?
Can you feel this?
Heinrich?
- Good, you're not paralyzed. It's shock.
I'll help you out of here, okay?
On three. One, two...
three!
Holy shit! Suzanne!
Chris!
You're Mrs Schumacher?
- Last time I checked.
God, was that a 7 iron?
- A 5 iron. Too much swing?
I didn't feel a thing.
- Can you tell me why you're in my house?
It's a long story.
- Do I want to hear it?
Once you said you wanted
your husband to disappear.
I that still true?
- More than ever.
Very good!
Then you never saw me.
I was never here, okay?
Just trust me. I'll see myself out.
What took so long?
- I was having a conference.
A conference?
What happened?
Are you guys okay?
Mission accomplished.
I'll explain later, okay'?
You okay?
- Yeah.
When I was 18 I told my father
I'd never accept another cent from him,
and I haven't.
Did he accept that?
- No.
He hated it. His money was like a leash
he used to control me.
But I wanted... to be free.
- To be free.
I know about that.
This is where I live.
I'm sorry for how I acted tonight.
It was just...
Terrible.
- Yes, terrible.
I just haven't been on a date in so long,
and I needed some liquid courage.
It was a great night.
- I think so, too.
Let's do that again.
- The date?
Or the kiss, maybe?
- Yeah, maybe.
We've got them.
- Who? -The bank robbers.
Marked bills were used at a gas station,
and one of the guys has a wrist tattoo!
The Japanese symbol for "universe."
- Yes!
When did the robbery occur?
- The Friday before last.
The Friday before last.
- Why did you choose that day?
"Moving day" is a term
only used by bank employees.
Did someone give you insider information?
- Yes.
Yes.
Is it this man?
- Him?
I've never seen him before.
- No.
Then who is it'?
Who is the insider?
Heinrich Schumacher.
What do you think you're doing?
- I have a search warrant.
Like hell, you do!
I play golf with the senior prosecutor.
I think I'll give him a call!
- Do that. Call him.
He signed the warrant.
- Dr. Zollner?
You'd better take a look at this.
Just a minute!
I've never seen this bag in my life!
Were you planning on taking a trip?
- Me? No. Why do you ask?
Those passports don't belong to me!
We'll see about that.
- But...
Allegedly, Schumacher, who directs
one of Germany's most successful banks,
was found in possession of
1,7 million euros and forged passports.
A source from the Berlin police force
has confirmed
that Schumacher had contacted
several offshore banks
in an attempt to launder the money.
Schumacher and his two accomplices
face long jail sentences.
A NEW MAIL FROM MAD MAX.
WE HAD SUCH A WONDERFUL EVENING.
CAN WE MEET AGAIN? YOURS, MAX
Excuse me.
What do you think?
Should we keep looking
for the missing money?
No, it's an insurance case now.
I've got orders from the top.
We lack the manpower to keep looking.
Okay.
What's that?
No, I couldn't possibly...
- No discussion.
That's your cut.
Really, I can't.
- Tobias, we're a team!
Okay?
- Come on.
To us.
- To the team.
To the team.
It's a nice place, huh?
Schumacher's getting his balls
welded to his ass in jail right now!
Karma!
- I knew a girl named Karma.
She was a stripper. What a babe!
Even you'd get naked for her!
A stadium and the pope saw me naked.
I don't care anymore.
You know what?
We're like the...
The Magnificent Four.
- "The Magnificent Four"? Really?
Not you, wimp. I count twice.
You always have to count twice.
What's that over there?
Where?
- Look!
Okay, got it. Okay, I will.
Elizabeth?
Start filling the bathtub, okay?
Ok, sweetie. Bye-bye.
So, guys, see you next week.
Oh, Elisabeth gave a talk
at Imperial Bank today.
She said the bank
is full of arrogant con artists.
Compared to them,
Schumacher's the Dalai Lama.
How is he a lama?
- You mean as far as karma goes...
They're um...
due for a withdrawal?
What's that supposed to mean?
- Nothing. -Nothing at all...
FOUR FACING THE BANK
Show me the money!
Come on, that's bullshit!
Take five! What's wrong?
The take was perfect.
- "Show me the money"?
You stole that from Jerry Maguire!
- I was two when it came out.
Okay.
Then say, "Show me the... cash."
Better?
That sucks even more!
That sucks even more than
this shitty movie, and this shitty set!
I know... I know you had a role
in some TV series...
Wait a second, I starred in
the biggest German TV series of all time!
Got it?
- And now you do student shorts
for 100 euros a day.
But you said 200!
That was before I knew
you were a little diva.
You filthy little...
PETER
THE ACTOR
Chris! Chris! Chris!
CHRIS
THE BOXER
I'm responsible for this agency's
top ten kick-ass ad campaigns!
That's the way it is.
Remember the Volkswagen campaign?
That was me!
The Bitburger World Cup spot? Me!
But when it's time
to choose a creative director,
a job I've worked nine years for,
what do you do?
You give it to Gustav!
I'm so sick of this agency!
None of you
ever appreciated my creative vision.
Not one of you.
That's why
I'm going to say something to my bosses
from the bottom of my heart:
Fuck you. Fuck you all!
While you wasted your money
on whores and fast cars...
I'm talking to you, Alex.
I was saving my money.
Because I knew that someday
you'd stab me in the back.
And now I'll take my money
and open my own agency.
Then I'm going to crush you.
I'm going to pound you into the ground!
You're all dead!
Okay, that's enough.
Security!
Seriously?
I've had 12 years of Karate lessons.
MAX
THE AD MAN
Would you like to open
an investment account?
No thanks.
Are you sure?
Sometimes "no" can also mean "yes,"
or "yes, maybe."
Even though, in most cases,
"no" does mean "no."
Unless of course we were playing
some sort of exciting role game,
and we were tied to refrigerators,
for instance.
We'd have safe words
so we'd know that "no" means "yes."
Or that "chocolate pudding"
means "no,"
and "pickles" means "yes."
Do you want an account now?
No.
Pardon me, would you like
to open an investment account?
If you say "pickles"
I'll staple your ears to your balls!
Perverted asshole!
TOBIAS
INVESTMENT ADVISOR
Chris!
The kick has to come right from the hip.
That's right, from the hip.
- Hey, Chris. Over here.
I'll be right there, ladies.
I'll be right there.
Great job, girls!
On Thursday, I'll be even harder on you.
- The harder, the better.
How long are you going to play this game?
- Game?
Yeah, putting your hands on their hips,
their butts, their breasts...
Hey, I don't touch breasts.
At least not at work.
Come on, Chris.
You can't go on like this.
This is nothing. It's just a scratch.
That's not what the doctor said.
You can't renew your fighting license.
And your retina is in terrible condition.
A boxer can knock me out,
but not some stupid retina.
I don't need a retina.
I've still got eagle eyes.
That's disinfectant.
- I saw that.
I've still got women's boxing.
- Yeah,
until your six-pack turns into a beer keg
and your joints give out.
Do you think women are still
going to pay you to rook their hips?
I may be a little blind,
but I'm not dumb.
Let me show you something.
I hear you scared away another customer.
- I didn't scare her away,
I just don't like to con people
out of their money. It's immoral.
That's the business.
- Yes, according to Schumacher.
The guy's a slimebucket.
- A slimebucket?
He treats our customers like crap,
cheats on his wife,
and promotes his employees based on
breast size, not qualifications.
Thanks, Tobias.
- Sorry. You deserved your breasts...
I mean, your promotion.
Wanna grab a coffee sometime?
Where you're standing
will be the boxing ring.
The heart of it all.
The punching bags will go back there,
and the speed bags, you know?
And the lockers will go over there,
like in Mickey's Gym.
Mickey's Gym?
- From Rocky, with Sylvester Stallone.
The mats go over there,
with weights and a place to jump rope.
How can you afford all this?
- I've saved money all my life.
I invested my money really well,
and tomorrow
it's finally going to pay off.
I'll sign the contract,
and live my dream.
You dreamer.
What are you going to put down there?
- Oh, that'll be a sauna.
A sauna?
- Yeah. I'll show you.
I have to think
of my female clients too, after all.
Can't you think of me for a second?
- Yes, of course.
Can you spit that out, please?
- Oh yeah.
I'll chew it later.
- Chris?
Can we skip foreplay today?
- Okay.
I have to get home.
It's my husband's birthday.
Why is this door closed?
- Because of... flies.
Flies?
- Yes.
Tiny little flies flying in and out,
the little rascals.
Tobias?
Do you know how many banks I supervise?
Nine. Nine banks.
I've got investment advisors shitting
heaps of money in eight of those banks.
But in the ninth bank,
the investment advisor is a real loser.
I mean an all-round loser.
Yeah, the guy doesn't even have friends.
And between us,
I think he's still a virgin.
Oh, God!
He sounds like a real zero.
Tobias?
I'm talking about you.
I've had lots of sex.
Heaps of sex.
Well, I mean not so much...
but I've got this problem...
with nudity.
I don't like being naked.
But I've set my sights on somebody,
and...
I just don't want to rush her...
My father probably hired you
because he thought you were
a wiz with numbers,
but you're only an expert
in one number: zero.
At least I always break even.
I'm cautious with my client's accounts...
I've got it!
Why don't you become a math teacher?
Tons of vacation, no stress.
I'm not resigning, and you can't fire me
for no reason. It's in my contract.
Mr Schumacher, I didn't get
the market report for today.
If there are any big changes
in the market,
I need to know that for my clients.
Call the head office.
It's probably a glitch.
I already called four times.
They won't return my calls.
They disrespected me.
What do you expect?
I expect you to apologize.
Get on your knees and beg for your job!
- Forget it. No way.
Your temper gets the best of you.
- Don't forget,
I had to pull a lot of strings
to get you a job in that agency.
And I've worked my ass off for them
for nine years!
They're nothing without me!
- No, you're nothing without them!
I'm not helping you again.
- I don't need your help.
I've saved up some money:100,000 euros.
I'm going to use it
to open my own agency.
"Chris's Boxing Joint."
Man, that sounds fancy!
Are you trying to get killed?
- I can see the headline:
"Wife Runs Down Jogging Movie Star
and Still Manages...
to Get the Girls to School on Time."
Hi, cuties.
- Hi, Papa.
I left you some scrambled eggs.
- Okay, bye!
Remember to pay the heating bill.
- Pay the heating bill, got it.
BAERENBANK AG
ACCOUNT NUMBER
So...
Time to put the cash
in my pocket.
Here's proof,
if you don't believe me.
Take a look.
- 272 euros?
Mom, that's 6,800 shares of...
- Rotary Global? -Yup.
Whatever it is,
at four cents a share
that makes 272 euros.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
Tobias Bluemel!
- Bluemel!
Calm down, gentlemen.
I want to talk to my investment advisor!
- We want to talk to Bluemel!
He's a fraud!
- Bluemel! Show yourself, coward!
I don't know what...
- Oh, these things happen.
Too bad the board doesn't like it
when one of our employees gambles away
the life savings of his clients.
I didn't gamble anything,
I just didn't get the emails.
Oh right, the glitch.
No, look at this.
There's nothing there.
See? Nothing.
The market reports!
Suddenly they're all there!
Oh man.
It breaks my heart, Tobias,
but I have to ask
for your immediate resignation.
You did this.
You did this.
That's despicable!
You're scum!
You're a monster!
Those men trusted me, they trusted us!
They trusted us with their savings!
And you just let...
let, let, let them lose it!
Wow, I'm impressed, Tobias!
You've got talent!
I don't mean to be fussy,
but Heidi's nipples are oval,
and she trims her bush
into a landing strip.
Like this. Yeah.
She's an incredible girl.
I think she'll look good in your office.
I want you out of here in an hour,
got it?
And Tobias,
leave us a few drawings.
Assholes!
- Get out of here! -Bastard!
Or we'll call the cops!
- You're bastards! Fucking bastards!
Get lost!
- Fuckers!
Let's get a drink.
The bank always wins.
- I could've bought a kick-ass car,
kick-ass clothes, a kick-ass new retina.
- I'll never apologize. Never!
Freddie always believed in me.
No matter what.
She always believed in me.
And now she believes we've got savings.
- I won't crawl back to them!
That account has been empty for a year.
I couldn't land a single job!
I could've been a pimp, but no!
I had to save up!
I'm not even a boxer anymore.
I'm blind, burned out and drunk.
She'll leave me.
She'll take the kids, and...
The bank always wins.
- My dad never trusted them.
You know where he hid his money?
In the litter box.
But the cats shit in there.
- Yup.
The bank always wins.
- Are you a broken record or what?
The bank always wins.
If I ever see that advisor again...
- Tobias Bluemel.
Bluemel, Tobias.
Fuckface Bluemel.
There he is.
- Fuckface!
I'll beat the shit out of you!
If I ever...
- Hey, don't break my cellphone, too!
I'd do it real clean,
with no evidence or suspects.
How?
- First...
I'd stick little tacks in his eyeballs,
And then I'd rip the hair off his balls
with packing tape.
That hurts like hell.
And when he's lying there,
naked and blind like a little baby bird,
I'd drive a steam-roller over him,
again and again. Back and forth.
And when his entrails are flat
and his intestines are bulging out,
I'd dissolve him with acid.
I saw that on CSI once.
Caustic, high-quality acid,
till there's nothing left of him.
Not even a little pile of shit!
Holy crap! Pinch me!
I said "pinch," you freak!
- Oh, man!
That's fuckface!
I'm gonna beat him up!
- He's mine!
We'll go straight to jail
if we whack him here.
See you soon, Bluemel.
The door's reinforced.
- I'll do it, fool.
That's how I do it too.
- Sure.
We're Jehovah's Witnesses.
Hey, not so fast!
Shut the hell up
or I'll bite off your tongue, got it?
Good, then we can begin.
Do you know who we are?
- He asked if you know who we are!
What'?
Take that thing out of his mouth.
One wrong word
and your Wiener is toxic waste!
Podolski!
Juergen Podolski!
The fastest colt in West Germany!
- Colt?
How did you...
I got every episode of
Bullet & Podolski on DVD. Look!
He's right! You're that actor!
You're that actor!
Okay. Yes, I am.
What actor?
Lukas Podolski!
- The soccer player? -No!
Commissar Juergen Podolski!
How did I not realize it was you?
We only talked on the phone.
- I never watched it.
You were really famous. What happened?
- I'm still an actor, yeah?
I've got class. I turn down shitty jobs.
- I have to say,
you were much better than Bullet.
- Bullet was a total phony.
He went on to Hollywood.
He was totally overrated!
Season 3, episode 12:
The Stripper, Drug Ring Crash.
That was world class acting.
- Yes, it was an intense period for me.
I went undercover for four days
to prepare.
Yes, it was so authentic!
Your talent is...
Can we get back to the task at hand?
- Let the man finish!
"My talent is..."
- Your talent is...
"My talent..." Over here.
"My talent is..."
Oscar-worthy! Oscar-worthy!
Tobias, I want you to know
that this is your last day
on planet Earth.
I'm going to dissect you.
Piece by piece.
And the last thing I'll do
is cut off your balls,
stick them in a jar and put them
on the shelf with your collection.
He's bluffing, right?
- I think so.
I'm innocent, really!
I, I...
I only wanted the best for my clients!
I mean, I'm not perfect.
Once I took a soda from the machine
because it was lying there,
and I make nude drawings of my colleague,
but that's it!
What'? Yuck!
Do you jerk off to them?
At your desk?
- No! That's sick!
He winked!
- I didn't wink.
I saw it too.
You must be lying.
Oh, he did it again!
- No, I didn't do anything!
I really am a good guy!
I'm Tinkerbell, and that's Lady Di.
So, I've heard enough!
Time to kiss your balls goodbye!
You killed him!
- What? I didn't touch him!
You're my witnesses!
The chair jumped with him on it!
Does anybody know CPR?
- Yeah.
He can't breathe. Unbutton his shirt.
Stop! Stop! Not naked!
Don't undress me!
Do me a favor and just kill me quickly.
I've lost everything as it is.
What about us?
- It wasn't me!
The bank director sabotaged
your accounts.
Now it's your boss's fault?
- Yes, he did it so he could fire me!
He didn't care
if a few clients went bankrupt.
I'll knock him out!
- Not with us!
If that's true, why don't you go
to the police and tell them your version?
Who will they believe?
Schumacher, the director
of 9 profitable German banks,
or me?
- The guy who spanks his monkey at work.
I didn't spank anything!
- Of course you didn't.
Come here, sit up. Nice and slow.
You just said "profitable banks."
How profitable are they?
Baerenbank AG is worth about six billion.
- What about in the bank?
Is there a few million
in the building every day?
No, only on Fridays.
Friday is "moving day."
The money is moved to headquarters.
- "Moving day!"
"Moving day?"
- They move the money, lazy eye!
Can the three of us talk'?
- It's hypothetical.
Hypothetical?
- So, what would happen
if a few million went missing?
The bank is insured for things like that.
There would be an investigation.
The police would come and ask questions.
So no customers would lose any money?
- No, it's not the Wild West.
It'd be a crime with no victims.
Boys, come with me.
Now.
Are you actually considering this?
- The means justifies the end.
The end justifies the means, idiot!
If it's robbing a bank, then it sucks!
We lost our money
to a corporation we invested in
because we're losers! We're all losers!
I sound like my dad!
So get lost. A few million divided by two
is way more than divided by three!
Or is that wrong?
- No, that's right.
We have to give Tobias a cut.
- The wanker?
We need him. He knows the bank.
He's our insider.
If we really want to rob a bank
we need to be a team
where everyone has a role.
The insider is the key!
How would you know?
- I've caught plenty of bank robbers!
On TV, Mr Bullet & Podemski!
On TV!
His name is Commissioner Lukas Podolski!
It's Juergen.
- Whatever!
Show him some respect,
you little snot!
This is bullshit. Total bullshit!
You know what's bullshit?
My family will have to scrape by.
We'll eat canned ravioli every day
because some banker
decided to fire that jerk-off!
It's bullshit because
I can't pay the fucking heating bill!
I want what's mine.
- I want my hard-earned money back.
That's right, Chris.
- Plus a little extra.
For all the psychological stress.
- Sure, we can take as much as we want.
What's the deal?
Are you in, or not?
For the record, this whole thing
makes me very, very nervous.
Duly noted, Goldilocks.
Hey, Tobi!
- Hey!
Time to wake up.
- Come on out.
Careful.
- It's cozy in there, huh?
Careful.
Leave it on.
- Nobody wants to undress you.
I just want to straighten your tie.
- Tobi.
Do you mind if I call you Tobi?
You know,
that bank really screwed you over.
How'd you like to even the score?
- And while you're at it,
get yourself a sack full of money?
When do we start?
That's our Tobi.
And you play poker?
- Till our finger tips bleed.
I've never seen them.
You married a talented
and well-loved man.
Is my little honey bee jealous?
- No way.
It's just weird.
We've been married 11 years,
and I've never seen you play poker.
Is it 11 years already?
And you've been acting strange lately.
- How so?
Why did you ask
the heating company for an extension?
Okay, you got me.
It was supposed to be a surprise.
Our investment advisor...
He's just incredible!
He calls me two days ago and says
the market is...
going through the roof.
We wait a few days, then: jackpot!
It's great, right?
Yeah, great.
Are you hot?
No.
Okay, it's time for a nice round
of Texas shuffle.
You do know it's called
Texas hold 'em, right?
You do know smart asses
get beat up, right?
So, concentrate.
Our bank.
- Where'd you get that?
City hall.
- They just gave it to you?
If the hot secretary
is in your boxing course,
and you really give it to her,
she'll get it for you.
Does it check out?
- It looks right.
Here's the plan: We storm in,
kick the shit out of anybody
who gets in our way,
then we grab the cash.
- That's brilliant!
You make Einstein look like a retard!
- Hey!
Another wisecrack and Einstein
will tack those locks to your ass!
Your dentures are slipping.
Look! -What?
We'll need the code for the safe room.
It changes daily.
Excuse me?
- Who's got the code?
Ralf, he's the vice manager.
That's his office.
What does he look like?
- You deaf?
He's about 5 foot 8 inches,
with a button nose, gray hair.
About like this.
He looks like a girl.
Whatever.
Here's the new plan:
We storm in, kick the shit out of Ralf,
get the code,
and then we grab the cash.
Every employee has am alarm button.
If we storm in and crack heads,
they'll call the police.
Maybe we should be more discreet.
Fuck discreet!
- Wait, first thing's first.
We need our roles.
- Keep that up and you'll get fat.
Chris, you're the muscle.
Tobias, you're the insider.
As for me, I'm more of a strategist,
so I should be your leader.
Why? Because you're an actor?
- Do you object'?
I think some of us have real experience,
but that's okay.
My talents are always underestimated
by men old enough to be my dad!
I would've had to start pretty early...
- No problem. Let's take a vote.
Who wants me to be the leader?
So, what's my role, great leader?
- You drive the getaway car.
No, forget it.
Rocky can drive the getaway car.
Why me?
- You're belligerent and half blind.
If you mess up and kill somebody,
I'll get arrested for murder too.
And unlike you guys,
I've got my whole life ahead of me.
Don't count on it.
- Do you need glasses to drive?
I don't have glasses.
- I've got glasses.
Okay, fine. But it's gotta go fast.
I needed that money yesterday.
We need to do our homework.
First, we spy on the bank.
I'll get the keys to the bathroom
and the side entrance.
Then we'll do a test run,
and get tools:
The getaway car, masks and guns.
What'?
I just binged on the first season
of Bullet & Podolski again. Crazy!
I never thought
I'd be Podolski's partner.
But we're not using real guns, right?
No, we'll shoot water guns.
- I think we need real guns.
But we'll use blanks.
Here goes.
Morning, Ralf.
11 o'clock. On the dot.
- His bowel movements are like clockwork.
11:00 - RALF IS TAKING A CRAP.
Hey! Tobias!
Susanne!
- Repair service.
You're an angel.
When do you need it back?
No rush. My husband hasn't
played with his tools for years.
He's too busy with his affairs.
- Sounds like true love.
I ignored the first affairs,
but when they hit double digits
I gave up on true love.
Yeah.
- Well?
How about a quickie?
I'd love to, but I can't today.
This is more important.
- ls everything okay?
Sort of.
Soon everything will sort of be okay.
I have to get back. Bye!
This is a bank robbery!
Show me the money!
Show me the money!
Come on, people!
Or I'll start shooting!
It's okay! It's just a candy bar!
COCOA BLASTER
4 minutes, 16 seconds.
- Damn, they're fast!
Wow! Who's that?
Dr. Elisabeth Zollner.
I'd spar with her any day.
She heads a bank robbery task force.
She catches the big fish.
How do you know?
- She gives a course at the bank
about professional conduct
during bank robberies.
She has perfect breasts.
- I bet she makes you shake your Wiener.
Say that one more time
and I'll staple your ears to your balls.
Wow! What happened to you?
I like it! Respect!
It was a false alarm.
Just a bum with a candy bar.
Close the bank.
I need statements from all witnesses.
Seriously? It was a candy bar!
There must be 30 witnesses!
She didn't ask for your opinion.
- No one goes till they make a statement.
Then your people stormed in,
and that's all I saw.
You look familiar.
- Really?
Is it possible I've seen you before?
No, I don't think so.
I doubt it, anyway.
I guess I just have one of those faces.
Did you deposit the money?
- Pardon?
You were leaving.
Did you deposit the money?
Yes.
Thanks.
Next.
10, 15, 20...
35, 40, 45.
Hey, we said 50!
45, 50...
What difference does it make?
I could ask the cops
what difference it makes.
Five more. Come on.
- Listen up, crab louse.
Take the cash and scram,
or I'll give you five fingers!
I'll beat the shit out of you!
- Do you have to beat people up?
I'm utilizing my talents.
- Then why didn't you screw him?
You think you're hot shit
because you studied?
What's your highest degree?
A driver's license?
I've got a masters from Heidelberg, so...
Pull yourselves together.
Just a few more days,
and then we go our separate ways.
Now shake hands.
Shake hands. Both of you.
Just rise above it.
Luckily it was just a false alarm.
- You can never be too sure.
I'd like to see an overview
of all teller transactions.
Is that really necessary?
Our client's privacy...
- I don't want to know amounts.
I want a list of who was here,
and what transactions took place, okay?
Tell me, Dr. Zollner...
Do you mind if I call you Lizzy?
I don't know when you're off duty, but...
I know a cute Italian place.
- Really?
What a coincidence.
I know a cute Italian too.
Massimo?
Would you accompany Mr Schumacher
to his office?
Hey, buddy. Want a Rolex?
- Keep moving.
Chris?
Chris "Iron Fist" Hoffmann!
Is it really you?
Twiggy! Rolfi!
I haven't seen you guys in forever!
Not long enough for me
to forget your ugly mug!
What an ugly mug!
- Yeah, I heard you were in prison.
Three years in Moabit.
But they were the best years of my life.
- Mine too. It was great.
We miss you.
The old gang and all.
What's new with you?
- Yeah.
Oh!
I've got a new life, new future,
new woman! I'm opening my own gym.
Wow!
- No shit!
Chris is a real businessman, like us!
- Right!
Awesome!
Why are we doing this here?
- Long term parking.
By the time they realize their car's
been stolen, we'll be long gone.
What happens if we find an unlocked car?
- Then Tobias will hot-wire it.
You know how to hot-wire a car?
- You bet your ass, I can.
I love the new Tobias. High five!
What's that?
- This?
I tattooed it myself.
It's Japanese for...
"Universe."
- "Universe?"
How stupid is that?
- Stupid?
It's retarded to tattoo yourself.
- Retarded?
Are you deaf, Grandpa? It hurts, it's...
- That's it.
You've insulted me.
I'm gonna rearrange your face.
Give it a try, Grandpa.
You'd better order a new hip.
Stay still! Stay still!
My crane is legendary.
- Hey, I found one!
Sorry! I thought we were fighting!
- I've got Band-Aids.
Can you guys focus for one second.
Come on!
When you said you knew
how to hot-wire a car...
He can do it.
You've done it before, right?
Technically, I've only seen it done.
What'? Don't tell me you saw it on
Bullet & Podolski!
Oh, man! I take it all back!
The new Tobias has a screw loose!
- Hey, my screws are all... tight.
Season 6, episode 3.
- The one with the blonde secretary?
No, the one with the transvestite's
donor kidney in the trash compactor.
Donor kidney?
- I don't believe it! -Me neither!
Hey, I did a hell of a job
at the bank!
Nobody believed in me!
If I say I can do it, I can do it!
I did it! I did it!
- He did it!
You did it!
I told you he could do it!
- I did it!
CHECKOU That'll be 87,50, please.
- Sure.
Do we have any money?
I'll pay with my card.
- No cards.
They can trace it back to you.
You can't use a card.
One moment.
What are we going to do?
- Just smash through the barrier.
She already saw my face.
Please don't say you have to kill her.
Can he read minds?
- Any ideas, leader?
Can you seduce her?
- What?
No, that's not my strong suit.
I usually just crash and burn.
Even better. Crash and burn
as hard as you possibly can.
Feed her your best line!
- I don't have any.
You don't have any?
- He doesn't have any!
Whatever, just do something! Go!
Excuse me,
would you have coffee with me?
I mean, would you have sex with me?
No, have coffee, but no sex?
Unless you'd like to have sex.
I have condoms. One condom.
Do I need more than one?
- Keep going!
I won't leave here without a date.
You can choose: coffee with sex,
or without sex, or maybe with sex...
Never park here again.
Okay.
We've got a getaway car! Hey!
She didn't like me.
- Sure she did!
Didn't you see how she looked at you?
- She wanted to marry you!
Okay, here's the plan.
At exactly 11:00,
when code man Ralf
goes to the bathroom
to have a nice dump,
Chris makes a scene
in the lobby.
I distract Laurel and Hardy
from security:
"Hey, you guys!"
And they take me outside,
in front of the bank.
- I make my way over here and wait.
While I make my way to the bathroom,
to get the code
from our little pooper,
while Max...
While I wait for Peter's signal.
Do the signal.
Hey, we're in a bank,
not a forest!
Whatever! I'll think of something else.
- Okay.
So, I wait for Max's signal.
Do a signal.
Let's go, buffalo!
- Now that's a signal!
I'll cuff Laurel and Hardy
to the glass doors,
and jump in the getaway car.
- Then it goes really fast.
I grab all the cash,
and we leave
through this side exit.
Where I'll be waiting to escape with you
into the urban jungle.
And even if any of these bank idiots
hits the alarm,
we'll be in and out
in less than 4 minutes.
It's brilliant. It's brilliant!
Is that good, or is that good?
- It's double good!
What about me?
- What about you?
Well, where am I?
I don't even have a doll.
You don't want me there.
You jerks don't want me there!
I'm the insider, damn it!
I organized the car and the keys, and...
- Calm down.
It's not like that.
- Then where's my doll?
After we do the robbery,
that task force chick...
Zollner.
- Then Zollner will show up.
She'll go through her list
of everyone with a motive.
And who has a better motive than you?
Am I supposed to just wait at home?
- You need an airtight alibi.
Throw a little party that day.
- Sure, a party.
I'm not exactly a party animal,
if you haven't noticed.
Don't sell yourself short!
We need a place where
lots of people see you,
and testify they were with you
at the time of the robbery.
Or that you were with them.
POPE VISI Can someone please tell me
what's going on here?
JESUS GIVE ME STRENGTH
SECURITY AND MONEY TRANSPOR Peace be with you, brother.
I've seen him six times already.
His voice speaks through me.
Here, feel.
Can you feel his energy
flowing through me?
Morning, Ralf.
Is it 11:00 already?
Death to banks!
We're coming for our money!
They take our hard-earned money,
and wipe their white,
capitalist asses with it!
And their shit sticks to our money!
Can't you smell it?
Hey, fatty! Go away!
I'm giving a lecture!
It's a free country!
Buy yourself a ticket by the entrance!
Laurel and Hardy!
Don't worry.
The Holy Father is never late.
He is ultimate perfection.
The light of the sun in the firmament,
as deep as the ocean...
Ralf Niester,
this is an armed robbery!
Give me the code for the safe room. Now!
- Dieter, is that you?
Let me take a shit in peace!
Yippie ki yay, motherfucker.
The code.
I can do it!
I can do it!
They're counting on me.
Hey, fatty!
Come and get me!
Looking for this?
Good night!
Nobody move!
- Everybody on the floor!
Hands up!
- Both hands!
Freeze!
- Lie down!
We should've practiced.
- I should go first.
I have a trained voice. I can project.
- I can do it just as well!
Let's save the willie contest for later,
got it?
On the ground, people!
This is a robbery!
Where are the damn wires?
Who are you?
That's better.
Motherfucker!
If I hear even one peep,
I might just...
I said shut up!
There was a sound.
I heard it loud and clear...
Huh?
Everything's fine.
Who's got the gun?
Who's got the gun?
I do!
4-5-3-7-7... what?
What'?
- Seven.
Seven?
Three sevens? Are you sure?
If I see one of you idiots even blink,
then I'll introduce you to my gun,
is that clear?
This is a real gun!
It can do a lot of damage!
Shit! Fuck!
Fuck!
Did you know these are real bullets?
- Let's discuss that later.
You lied to me!
- The blanks were sold out! Forget it!
No, that's exactly why
I wanted to be the leader!
Houston, we have a problem.
- What?
If you're in here,
who's out there?
Oh, fuck!
My fault.
- Come on!
I would've had it.
- We've got 20 seconds! Go!
Ten!
Five!
Where the hell is he?
- No idea.
Please, please, please!
This can't be happening!
Go!
Oh, God!
- I don't believe it!
Shit, it stalled!
- No!
Chris, start it and drive!
Get out and push! Go!
Push!
We are...
rich!
We're filthy rich!
Watch out, idiot!
If I ever see your ugly ass again...
- Definitely. I understand.
It was a stupid idea.
It won't happen again.
It looks like it was very well-prepared.
The two bank robbers knew
the bank had a lot of cash today.
Three.
- Pardon?
There were three perpetrators.
Write it down:
Perpetrators: three.
The two men with guns,
and a third: the distraction.
Probably also the driver.
- We'll do a composite sketch.
A waste of time.
They wore disguises.
How do you know?
- If they knew about the money,
they also knew
about the hundreds of cameras.
How much did they take?
About 2.1 million.
We'll get them.
Shall we say a few words'?
It was a good car. It wasn't the fastest,
or most reliable, but...
It burns!
Okay, boys.
Who's got the bags?
I thought you had them.
Okay, how much is it?
At least two million.
I wish I could've seen Schumacher's face!
Gentlemen, to us.
I've got to smell it first.
That smells like...
payback!
- Yeah!
This is better than jacking off!
You have a Hitler stash!
- What?
You look like the fuhrer, man!
What's wrong? Come on!
Come on, dance! Dance!
I think we have a tiny little problem.
You've got something on...
And on your...
Can you all see?
It may have been a surprise to you,
but I was expecting a bank robbery.
The homeless man who stormed the bank
last week was a piece of the puzzle.
That's why I had the bills
in the safe marked.
Hopefully the robbers will put the bills
into circulation today.
So we need to notify all banks,
gas stations and businesses.
If a toilet attendant collects
a marked bill in the boondocks,
I want to know about it.
I was afraid
we were dealing with pros,
but pros don't argue
and almost lose a gun to a civilian.
They're amateurs.
And right now they're nervous,
insecure and desperate.
And they're going mess up.
There must be something.
They always make a mistake.
Stop.
Zoom in on the wrist.
What the hell is that?
- That's the mistake.
You get the cash but it's useless.
I could've had my gym,
and women for the rest of my life.
I really feel like punching somebody.
- Oh, yeah!
It's not my fault.
- You must've known!
The bills are never marked.
I didn't know they'd pull out
the spray can the day we rob the bank!
You don't have to broadcast it.
We'll wait it out till the dust clears.
- The dust isn't going to clear!
Yes?
Yes, I remember you, Dr. Zollner.
How are you?
Yes, I saw that on television.
No problem.
She wants me to answer a few questions.
- We're all screwed!
Calm down. Hey, it's fine.
We knew this would happen.
Tobias has 50,000 eye witnesses,
including the pope.
- Right, the pope!
We have nothing to worry about.
Could you hold one second?
Fuck! It's Zollner!
Why is she calling you?
Yes, sorry about that. Yes?
Yes, I heard it on the radio.
Sure, no problem.
I'm happy to help-
You still think everything's okay?
No way!
She must have the wrong number.
Yes?
Yes, I saw it on the radio.
Okay.
Okay, then have a nice day.
Sorry, guys.
I'm sure everything will be fine.
So, why do you streak naked?
Like I said,
because I'm depressed.
So you streak naked in front of
thousands of people and the pope?
I got caught up in the moment.
I had to feel the holy wind...
on my naked, vulnerable body,
whipping me, giving me solace.
Do you know what I can't stand?
When men like you
take women like me for a fool.
I don't take you for a fool.
All I'm trying to say is
I'm not the only man with this tattoo.
- According to your file,
you're a violent man
who takes what he needs.
Our video shows a man with your tattoo
stealing 2.1 million euros.
Doesn't that seem strange?
You told me you made a deposit.
Yes.
- You lied.
I was pretty rattled.
That bum came storming in...
- Rattled?
I needed validation.
Validation from the very top.
And who's higher than the pope?
You seem nervous.
- May I have a glass of water?
No.
- Okay.
Help me out.
- Okay.
If the bank fired me and I wanted
to rob it to get my revenge,
I'd find people to do the dirty work
and make sure I had an air tight alibi.
What are you trying to say?
- Well...
A bum storms into a bank.
You're there, but don't make a deposit.
Instead, you have the chance to see
how long it takes the police to arrive.
If you had any hard evidence against me,
I'd be in handcuffs.
You're right.
We don't have hard evidence.
You're free to go.
Really? Thanks.
One more thing.
Do you know this man?
No.
When I said "no,"
I meant "yes."
Then why did you say "no"?
So you do know him?
- Yes, but I haven't seen him in ages.
Anything else?
- No, that's all.
You've been a great help.
- Glad to hear it.
Bullet & Podolski.
In the bank you said you just
had one of those faces.
You lied about that as well.
Right?
Were you followed?
- No.
Why would anyone follow me?
- You're our accomplice, you windbag.
I'm taking you down with me.
- That's enough!
They'll only catch us if we use the cash.
Should we just flush 2.1 million euros
down the toilet?
The bills are marked so they're useless.
When do they stop looking for the cash?
They stop looking
when they catch the robbers.
When Zollner has the robbers,
they'll stop looking for the money'?
All we have to do is
frame someone else for the robbery.
Bullet & Podolski. Season 2, episode 6.
- No!
Jog my memory.
- The stolen Ferrari.
They tried to frame the Mexican for it.
- Yeah!
That's it! The Mexican!
That was a damn good episode.
We just have get Zollner
to think someone else did it.
Heinrich Schumacher.
- Who?
Schumacher is a disgusting,
heartless, greedy bastard,
who's got access to the whole bank.
Schumacher is our Mexican!
But how do we convince Zollner?
I've got it.
She's single.
- No!
While Zollner was interrogating me
she got a text message
from Eternity.
She's single and hunting.
And we'll provide her with prey.
Someone she doesn't
suspect of bank robbery.
Me?
No! No!
We're a team, Max.
I'm not going to prison, got it!
Count me out!
What about the cash?
- It's not worth it!
Some of us can't just
run back to daddy's checkbook!
It's not like that.
- You want your ass powdered with caviar!
I earned every penny! Every penny!
You gonna cry?
- Don't make me kick you.
You kicked me as I looked away.
- I'll make sure you look this time.
Okay, I'll look.
- Okay. Come on!
There's something on your nose.
- Where?
Want me to break your little arm?
- Oh God!
Okay, it's fine!
- What? You give up?
Should we intervene?
I give up! Oh God!
You're in this team till the day you die!
Till I die, and beyond, okay?
That wasn't so hard.
Freddie?
You're not writing.
- No, I'm cooking your favorite meal.
Come, have a taste.
- That's great, thanks!
Yummy! Yummy!
I can explain.
A poker club?
Do you take me for a fool?
How could you?
You're in deep shit!
Our girls could grow up without a dad!
- I wasn't totally honest with you.
I gambled with our savings a bit,
but the bank messed up!
It's the bank's fault now?
- Yes, actually.
That's just... unbelievable!
How dare you!
- Please stop.
I know I messed up,
but we just found a way
to get off the hook, keep the cash,
and blame it on a real bastard.
How much money is in the bag?
Two million.
I know what you're going to say.
- I'm so mad at you,
and we'll discuss just how mad I am
with a marriage counselor soon,
but just tell me one thing:
How can I help?
How can I help
so we can keep the money'?
You think we can trust her?
- Of course you can, you twits.
If you're in trouble, so is my husband,
and neither of us want that.
We have to change the hair.
- Give me a minute.
So, take a look.
- I volunteer at a soup kitchen?
I've never done volunteer work.
- Zollner's a woman and so am I.
I know exactly what she wants
to see on a dating profile.
The other one.
We can't use your last name,
or she'll know you lost your money.
Parted in the center?
- Parted in the center? Maybe, yes.
So, your profile name is:
Mad Max.
- What?
And then maybe a dog.
- A dog?
A photo with a cute dog.
- No. I'm allergic.
A cat?
- Come on.
Yes, we need a cat.
- I'm on it.
OVERWORKED, UNDERRATED.
MAKING MY DREAMS COME TRUE.
Thursday night at 8:00?
- 7:45.
And you're sure Schumacher...
- Every Thursday at 7:45.
He'll take Heidi.
- And his wife?
She's at a charity event.
She's coming! She said yes!
We've got one chance. Let's do it right.
- You think Heidi would like this?
I gave that to you for our anniversary.
- Relax, I know they're not real,
but Heidi won't know.
- They aren't? They were expensive!
FROM A SECRET ADMIRER
That's it?
- That's it.
You can handle that, right?
- Yeah.
And one of you needs
to get this on your wrist.
What does it mean?
- It's Japanese for "universe."
What if we have to describe the guy?
- Yeah, then what?
Wow!
That's the best meal
we've had in a while.
We should do this more often.
Get a babysitter, go out...
Yeah, or rob a bank
and frame a stranger.
I'm really sorry.
I should've told you the truth earlier.
I was just too proud,
or too stupid.
Maybe this whole mess is a sign.
- Yeah?
A sign that it's time
you finally get a new job.
A reliable job.
- Wait a minute. I'm an actor!
Dustin Hoffman taught me.
Not directly, but...
It's show time.
- What?
Welcome. May I take your coat?
But of course.
- Enjoy your meal.
Thanks.
- We will.
Pardon me.
- Watch it! Wait a minute.
Is this yours?
- I'm sorry.
Gloves?
- Pardon my husband.
He's such a klutz.
- I see.
The prices here
can give you the jitters.
How did it go?
- It was a piece of cake.
Here.
Careful.
Elisabeth?
Hi, I'm...
Mad Max.
- Yes, Max.
This is my first internet date, so...
You look enchanting.
- Thanks.
You're welcome.
Oh, yeah.
There you go.
Is everything okay?
- Yes, everything's fine.
I know that man.
A glass of champagne?
- A bottle.
If anything happens,
I'll call your cells.
Okay.
What's with the necklace?
I'd like to thank my secret admirer.
- Admirer?
I'll be sure to let him know.
- Are you role playing?
That's hot.
You're not my secret admirer.
You're my gardener.
And I'm a stripper.
Who desperately needs someone
to water her bush.
His wife is much younger.
She's not his wife.
She's one of his employees.
I know him from the news!
Didn't his bank get...
Not so loud.
- Sorry. Why not?
I'm investigating the case.
Um... Are you a police officer?
Yes.
I head a bank robbery task force.
Okay, that's heavy.
- It's okay if you run. Most men do.
Why would I?
- Who knows.
My profession seems to irritate men.
Well, I think it's,
as my mom would say: sexy.
With a soft "S"?
- Zexy.
Z- Zexy?
- Yeah.
Where'd you learn that?
I had an eventful adolescence.
- Fine with me,
as long as the alarm doesn't go off.
Rocky Balboa!
- Good work!
Touch my ass again and you're toast.
- Got it.
I always played detective as a kid.
See?
Thanks, but I'll have to stop
because you can't understand me.
Yeah.
- Okay, I'll concentrate.
I'll take a guess.
Oh yes, the man appears
to have blood on his fingers.
Or is that just his lover's lipstick?
No, he's definitely guilty.
- Really?
Nice try.
Yeah, but bank director, bank robber.
Aren't they the same in the end?
They are tonight, yes.
But seriously, did you ever consider it?
- What?
In every good murder mystery,
the most unlikely suspect
is the most likely suspect.
But what do I know?
All I know is, I'd have to rob a bank
to give a girl a necklace like that.
More champagne?
It's just a thought.
What about carpentry?
You've got a talent for furniture.
Remember the doll house you built
for the girls?
Would you ask a heart surgeon
to sell shoes?
Or ask an astronaut to make sausages?
You can't compare
heart surgery to acting.
Of course not.
Acting takes years of training.
OFFSHORE BANKING
Shit!
Are you okay?
- I...
swallowed my chewing gum.
Car.
Oh, shit!
Shit, shit, shit!
Okay, I understand.
The thing is...
Chris can't move.
He can't move!
Crap! Hey, you have to get up!
- I can't!
I think I'm paralyzed.
Oh, God, I'm paralyzed!
I'll never fuck again!
It's not that bad, trust me.
- Not that bad?
Can you feel this?
Heinrich?
- Good, you're not paralyzed. It's shock.
I'll help you out of here, okay?
On three. One, two...
three!
Holy shit! Suzanne!
Chris!
You're Mrs Schumacher?
- Last time I checked.
God, was that a 7 iron?
- A 5 iron. Too much swing?
I didn't feel a thing.
- Can you tell me why you're in my house?
It's a long story.
- Do I want to hear it?
Once you said you wanted
your husband to disappear.
I that still true?
- More than ever.
Very good!
Then you never saw me.
I was never here, okay?
Just trust me. I'll see myself out.
What took so long?
- I was having a conference.
A conference?
What happened?
Are you guys okay?
Mission accomplished.
I'll explain later, okay'?
You okay?
- Yeah.
When I was 18 I told my father
I'd never accept another cent from him,
and I haven't.
Did he accept that?
- No.
He hated it. His money was like a leash
he used to control me.
But I wanted... to be free.
- To be free.
I know about that.
This is where I live.
I'm sorry for how I acted tonight.
It was just...
Terrible.
- Yes, terrible.
I just haven't been on a date in so long,
and I needed some liquid courage.
It was a great night.
- I think so, too.
Let's do that again.
- The date?
Or the kiss, maybe?
- Yeah, maybe.
We've got them.
- Who? -The bank robbers.
Marked bills were used at a gas station,
and one of the guys has a wrist tattoo!
The Japanese symbol for "universe."
- Yes!
When did the robbery occur?
- The Friday before last.
The Friday before last.
- Why did you choose that day?
"Moving day" is a term
only used by bank employees.
Did someone give you insider information?
- Yes.
Yes.
Is it this man?
- Him?
I've never seen him before.
- No.
Then who is it'?
Who is the insider?
Heinrich Schumacher.
What do you think you're doing?
- I have a search warrant.
Like hell, you do!
I play golf with the senior prosecutor.
I think I'll give him a call!
- Do that. Call him.
He signed the warrant.
- Dr. Zollner?
You'd better take a look at this.
Just a minute!
I've never seen this bag in my life!
Were you planning on taking a trip?
- Me? No. Why do you ask?
Those passports don't belong to me!
We'll see about that.
- But...
Allegedly, Schumacher, who directs
one of Germany's most successful banks,
was found in possession of
1,7 million euros and forged passports.
A source from the Berlin police force
has confirmed
that Schumacher had contacted
several offshore banks
in an attempt to launder the money.
Schumacher and his two accomplices
face long jail sentences.
A NEW MAIL FROM MAD MAX.
WE HAD SUCH A WONDERFUL EVENING.
CAN WE MEET AGAIN? YOURS, MAX
Excuse me.
What do you think?
Should we keep looking
for the missing money?
No, it's an insurance case now.
I've got orders from the top.
We lack the manpower to keep looking.
Okay.
What's that?
No, I couldn't possibly...
- No discussion.
That's your cut.
Really, I can't.
- Tobias, we're a team!
Okay?
- Come on.
To us.
- To the team.
To the team.
It's a nice place, huh?
Schumacher's getting his balls
welded to his ass in jail right now!
Karma!
- I knew a girl named Karma.
She was a stripper. What a babe!
Even you'd get naked for her!
A stadium and the pope saw me naked.
I don't care anymore.
You know what?
We're like the...
The Magnificent Four.
- "The Magnificent Four"? Really?
Not you, wimp. I count twice.
You always have to count twice.
What's that over there?
Where?
- Look!
Okay, got it. Okay, I will.
Elizabeth?
Start filling the bathtub, okay?
Ok, sweetie. Bye-bye.
So, guys, see you next week.
Oh, Elisabeth gave a talk
at Imperial Bank today.
She said the bank
is full of arrogant con artists.
Compared to them,
Schumacher's the Dalai Lama.
How is he a lama?
- You mean as far as karma goes...
They're um...
due for a withdrawal?
What's that supposed to mean?
- Nothing. -Nothing at all...