Four Christmases (2008) Movie Script
SUBTITLES BY
DISTRIMAX S.A. DE C.V.
Hi.
Hi.
My name is Kent.
What's your name?
Daphne.
Daphne. Beautiful name.
It sounds like the
name of a flower.
Obviously I know that it's
not a flower, but it could be.
I like the flowers.
Smelling them, stuff like that.
Sending them to people.
Where are you from?
Connecticut.
Really?
I am a big fan of it.
I'm a... Who isn't, right?
You're close to the city...
...and you can really enjoy it.
But also it has
a small town feel.
-Did you go to school there?
-Yeah. I went to Wesslam.
That's a great school.
-What's your major?
-Psychology.
It's great.
Those are really beautiful
earrings, by the way.
Nice job complementing...
I'll stop you right there.
Because on paper
you've done everything right.
Took an interest
in my personal history.
You've complemented
my accessories.
Blah, blah, blah.
If we'd met in college, our
relationship would've developed.
Which I'd come to regret.
I'd find out...
...that you're just as boring
in the bedroom...
...as you've been during
this awful conversation.
Okay, Daphne...
If I wanted a nice
sexual pen pal...
...you'd be on my list.
We'd just l-chat all night.
LOL. Tickles.
But unfortunately, that's
not what I'm looking for.
I want a man whose
hand doesn't shake...
...when he puts it up my shirt.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Okay.
Daphne, if I could just...
Save it, Kent.
I'm not looking for a BFF.
Daphne, please.
Bitch, I'm talking to you!
-What did you call me?
-I didn't stutter.
You sure can talk the talk,
you crazy little slut.
But, can you
deliver the goodies?
I don't give a damn
about Connecticut.
I hate those cheap buildings.
I'm from North Dakota and this
is how we handle our business...
...in the vice and state,
mamma.
Get your hands off me.
I'll take you to your knees
in this bar.
Promise?
Hold on, angel crossing!
Angel crossing!
Get on it. Here we come.
Watch out!
What a beautiful view.
So, this is where you live?
This is where
you live too, honey. Come on.
What do you think
about Daphne?
-I really liked Daphne.
-You did?
-Yeah.
-Definitely naughty.
She's a lot naughty,
but in the fun way.
Kent?
Did you like him?
-Kent was hot.
-Really?
I like those glasses,
nice touch.
You want to try
on the planes vibe?
Like an angry cowboy
who drives a van.
-Hot.
-But has ninja equipment...
...back in his apartment.
A lot's happening.
-You know?
-Yeah.
Like a transformer.
-I'd like to meet Kent again.
-Yeah, come here.
Toothpaste and all.
-I love you, Kate.
-I love you.
You are the best girl
in the whole world.
Let's get this off of you.
That was fun.
-That feels good.
-It's the acupressure.
-Really?
-No, I just like to rub it.
This stuff is connected to
stuff inside your tummy.
-I know.
-Push the wrong...
-Know what that's for?
-Until later.
Okay.
When's the big day?
I'm sorry?
We're getting married in the
spring in South Carolina.
-Yeah, what about you?
-We're not getting married.
So, why do you take
the dance classes?
We do a lot of stuff together.
That's one.
Yeah, it's fun.
Can't think of what
we don't do together.
Why you
don't wanna get married?
-Yeah.
-We are happy.
-We're happy.
-Yeah.
I love her.
Marriage brings pressure...
...and stress in stuff.
Don't want our relationship
to be work.
We're together
'cause we enjoy it.
Not because we have to.
There's a reason that they
use the expressions:
"Tying the knot"
or "Ball and chain".
Know the
words of a ceremony?
Like: "l promise to obey."
Or "Till death do us part."
I'd rather be like stuck
on an island...
...with some weird millionaire
trying to kill me...
...and trying to escape
than be...
...in something with that.
That's a time bomb.
So, what about children?
You do want to make them, no?
-No, no.
-No.
I don't wanna make them.
It just don't want to be
responsible for this kid...
...and disappoint them.
Yeah, that's our families.
We're both from
divorced families.
We've seen it. We don't
need to repeat the pattern.
But anyway, congratulations
on getting married.
That's a cool thing.
To each their own.
Yeah, absolutely.
-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas!
Bye-bye.
-Big-bad Brad!
-Hi!
-How are you?
-Look at this. How are you?
You remember
my girlfriend.
-How are you? Good to see you.
-Hi.
What are you guys
doing for Christmas?
We got the entire
family flying in.
to how gifted my nieces are.
My brother thinks his daughter,
the four year old...
...is gonna be the next Beyonce.
She is bad and she sucks.
I'm vacationing in tropical
Albany this year...
...with Tricia's family.
They got us a cot,
which is awesome.
We'll end up sleeping...
...on the couch
in the basement with cats.
All seven of them.
We'll get to be there
the whole week.
Sounds like
a prison sentence.
Why put
yourselves through that?
It's Christmas, right?
Don't you have to?
We don't need to do it.
We don't.
We don't do it.
-We're done.
-Why, what are you doing?
-We're going to Fiji. Just us.
-Yeah.
Fiji?
Yeah.
Don't your families
get upset?
Not if you're doing
charity work.
Like building houses
in third world countries.
Teaching English
in Puerto Rico.
Helping orphans in Somalia.
Helping Chinese kids
capture lobsters.
Boil them, cut them,
clean the weird stuff out.
We find it that the more
details you give...
...kinda throws them
off the set.
You lie to your families
at Christmas time?
You really
can't do it without lies.
Try it.
But don't you
ever feel guilty?
For taking a vacation
on our vacation?
No, not really.
-You look sexy with a tan.
-Thanks, babe.
You could take this one.
This one here.
-Like that.
-Yeah, that's a good idea.
I made a couple's
massage rev for the weekend.
-You did? It's great.
-Yeah.
I'd
check us in online after this.
I did it.
You checked us in?
You're the best, sweetheart.
I picked up a pair of
noise-canceling headphones.
-You did not.
-For the next time.
-Oh my God.
-I'm excited.
We'd sign up for the scuba
boat as soon as we get there...
...I heard it fills up
really quick.
Do you feel like we've
been on this vacation before?
The scuba diving, we did that
in Bali and Costa Rica.
Yeah, but this is Fiji.
We've never been to Fiji.
That's a different island.
The resort is beautiful.
And the scuba diving
will be different.
It's different water and fish.
It's gonna be really good.
I'm excited.
-lt'll be amazing.
-Are you excited?
-I am. I'm really excited.
-I'm excited.
-I love you.
-I love you too.
Hey, Mom, merry Christmas.
Yeah.
Listen. Actually I'm sorry
I didn't call you sooner.
We're actually heading out
to Burma.
Yeah. That's exactly
the island in Asia, Burma.
We're inoculating babies.
Yeah, we'll be
helping out this kids.
It's such a great cause,
but honestly...
...it just sucks that we won't
be with you and the family.
You know how much...
I know it's been three years.
I wish I would've
called you sooner.
But Kate sent all
the gifts and stuff to you.
Okay.
That's Merry Christmas
in Burmese.
All right, I'll tell her.
I love you too. Bye.
Learned
"Merry Christmas"?
I gotta take everything
to the next level.
Come on, let's do this.
I'm excited.
Attention, San Francisco
passengers.
All flights
have been grounded...
...due to
weather conditions.
Sir, excuse me.
Your flight is not going out.
But what I can do
is get you set up for standby...
...on the first flight
to Fiji tomorrow. Okay?
Tomorrow won't be great.
We've scheduled
the couple's massage...
I'm sorry, sir. I don't make
the fog, I deal with it.
The best I can do is get you
a suite at the Radisson.
They have lovely accommodations
next to the airport.
You promise?
At the Radisson?
-Did you hear that?
-Brad.
No, that's terrific.
Would it be possible
to take us out...
...and get us McDonald's
as desert?
I'll start missing
flights often.
With this kind of
red carpet service.
-Terrific. A suite.
-Brad, please.
That's not helping, Brad.
Is there another airline...
...that you're affiliated with?
Like a sister airline?
-No, I'm sorry.
-Do you have a cousin airline?
How about one your
airline's filled out before?
The FAA has ruled that bay
area fog is simply too thick.
No flights are coming in
and no flights are going out...
...until at least
tomorrow morning.
Let's see how travelers
are coping in all of this task.
We have a couple over here.
Excuse me, sir?
Where are you headed
for this Christmas?
We're live on the air.
You look
dressed for vacation.
We're taking...
And we take the trips.
We'll take a different trip.
What he's trying to say is
that we plan a trip every year.
This is actually
ruining our Christmas.
You must be pretty upset.
Are you visiting family?
This is Kate.
Hi, Mom.
I know, Mom. All the flights
were cancelled.
-They're not...
-It's Dad.
They're not sure
if it'll be today.
You want me to answer it?
Do I answer or no?
Do I pick it up or not?
Yes, I know. I understand
you have feelings.
What? What do you want me to do?
I don't know what this means.
He's gonna
give you a big hug.
-I'm not hugging anybody.
-He's excited.
-We'll see you at noon.
-Noon?
Kate, are you crazy?
Did you commit us to go?
What did you want me to say?
They saw us on the news.
We're not
inoculating babies in Burma.
-No...
-We're stuck here.
What did you say to your dad?
I told my dad that we'll
be going over there.
Don't compare
your situation.
-You kidding?
-There's new stuff...
...that you're missing.
My Dad's a unique
animal. Your mother's not.
My dad, your mom.
My mom, your dad.
Great.
We'll see
Know what this means?
What you committed us to?
I know exactly
what this means.
Brad.
Baby.
I don't want to fight.
I don't wanna fight either.
-I hate this.
-We never fight. I'm sorry.
I love you.
This is what our families do
and what happens.
Mother makes me crazy
when I talk to her.
You're right.
Here's all we got to do.
Get through this
Four Christmases...
...as quickly and as painlessly
as possible.
Exactly. Promise me that no
matter what happens today...
...we'll still
have each other.
-Honey, of course we will.
-Okay.
If one of these
houses gets too intense...
-...we'll need a strategy.
-Yes.
We'll need a word that
means it's time to leave.
A safe word,
what it should be?
It's a good idea.
Mistletoe.
-Mistletoe is really good.
-Okay.
By the way, my father's house
can get uncomfortable.
Please do not feel embarrassed
if you feel the need...
...to pull the cord early,
say Mistletoe...
...if this house
gets too uncomfortable.
-Okay.
-Even if we're there for 10 min.
All right, I'll let you know.
I'm looking out for you.
Be cool.
I'm gonna go see
your dad and your brothers now.
Unless you're too weird
with it, then we're out.
-I'm going in.
-And going out would be...
-Mistletoe.
-Done. Let's get out of here.
Brad, we're going in.
Let's go.
Son of a bitch.
The TV stars actually came.
-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas, Dad.
Merry Christmas.
Good to see you.
-Thanks for having us.
-Good to see you.
-Come on in.
-Okay.
Let's... Let's celebrate.
Okay. Sounds good.
That's a lot
of presents you sent.
You're trying
to outdo us?
The biggest
one is for you, Howard.
Yeah? What is it?
I'm not gonna tell you.
What, are you crazy?
-Bro.
-Hey, buddy.
Baby!
Kate, these are my brothers:
Denver and Dallas.
-Hi, nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
You must be Orlando's girl.
Orlando?
We're named after the cities
in which we're conceived.
I'm Denver, that's Dallas.
And this is Orlando.
Orlando?
My given name is Orlando.
But I changed it to Brad.
I'm Brad.
What?
Well, Merry Christmas
one and all.
-Ordeurs for anyone.
-Come on.
Who are you trying
to impress, Suze?
We also got beer in the back.
Ladies first.
Thank you so much.
What is this?
Is this cheese?
Yeah, spray.
Spray cheese from the famous
family of aerosol cheeses.
Give me a hand.
Here we go.
Do you have something
to say about my wife's cheese?
Hump it! Hump it!
I haven't seen
that in a while.
Shut it, soldier boy!
The spray cheese!
The spray cheese!
Bring it home, soldier boy.
God, honey. I'm so sorry
that you had to see that.
Let me
apologize for them.
If you wanna say "Mistletoe"
'cause it's too heavy, I get it.
I get it. Don't feel weird.
Need to get out, let me
know about your comfort zone.
That was weird.
Can't believe you didn't
tell me your name.
-What are you saying?
-l...
It's crazy.
We've been together for 3 years.
I don't know your name.
Isn't that odd?
No, it's not. I hated my name
so I changed it.
Don't say: "My name used
to be asshole, but it's Bob."
-Just: "My name is Bob."
-Maybe to a stranger...
...but to somebody close?
You say your real name.
I don't want to get into
this now.
This is what I was
afraid would happen.
This is isn't us, it's them.
We're letting them in.
Your name isn't asshole.
It's like your middle name.
Don't wanna be
blindsided again.
Very funny. Go ahead
and take a shot at me.
I have to deal
with those Neanderthals.
I gotta take it from you.
No, you shouldn't. You shouldn't
let them walk over you.
Kate, they're trained
USC fighters.
Know pressure
points on people.
You're twice their size.
They're semi-professional
cage fighters.
Like one person comes out,
one doesn't.
A cock fighting
but with dudes.
-Said they're personal trainers.
-They're dude cock fighters.
Like what you see on the PPV.
Exactly. Except they don't
actually get paid for it.
They brawl
in people's backyards...
...and they upload
the footage to YouTube.
Honey, my childhood was just
like "Shawshank Redemption".
Except I didn't have some kind,
older, soft spoken black man...
...to share my struggle with.
But you're not
that child anymore, okay?
You're a grown, strong,
confident, successful man.
I don't want to get into this.
Brad, just know the truth.
They're intimidated by you.
What you need to do
is go out there...
...and set some
boundaries...
...and demand that
they respect you. You know?
Hey, big city, come to
open up some presents!
-Come on, we gotta go!
-This is your opportunity.
You can do this, baby.
Right, right.
Okay, gentlemen.
Can we take it down
a notch, please?
I'm not a kid, you can't
talk to me like that.
We're adults.
Understand?
I'm a grown man
with hair on my chest, right?
There's gonna be certain
boundaries between us.
They might be invisible.
I know you won't see them...
...but you'll be able to respect
the fact that they're there.
These boundaries
are not to be crossed.
And if they're crossed, there's
gonna be real consequences.
Thank you.
Welcome back, stud!
Don't!
Stop!
Stop it!
Come on, can I go in?
No, you boys could get hurt.
Come in!
-Come on!
-Take us in!
-Go!
-Yes!
Get it!
Google me, bitch!
What?
Google. You might wanna
look me up sometime, Barbara!
No! Dad!
Stop!
Let's open the presents...
...so Orlando can get
to his other Christmases.
Let's do it.
Baby.
It's me. It's me.
Are you okay?
Did you break anything?
I am so proud of you.
Orlando, just go to the tree.
Gosh, wasn't it so
hard to find gifts...
...under the 10 dollar cap?
The first gift is to Connor.
-The 10 dollar what?
-10 dollar spending cap.
Uncle Brad and his special
friend Kate, maybe...
Brad?
I'll be your nice uncle...
...after you see what I got you.
Open it up.
-Brad?
-Yeah.
What?
X-Box. This is awesome.
Top shelf for you, pal.
It's got the triple core
processor, the whole deal.
It's a 10 dollar
spending cap.
How did you find
an X-Box for under 10 dollars?
Someone's trying to show off
how much money he makes.
His family
didn't tell him...
...there's a 10 dollar
spending cap.
Or maybe if you came home
you'd know crap like that.
Can we try
to stay positive here?
What's the problem? We're
trying to give some gifts.
It's Christmas. Let's keep
the momentum going.
The next gift is to Cody.
This is from your dad.
I'm sure this is
a good gift too. Okay?
Good, tear it up.
A flashlight?
That's it?
Why don't you love me,
Daddy?
Okay, okay. Honestly,
I think it's my fault.
Didn't know about the
a 10 dollars.
My gift from Santa Claus
better be straight cool.
I have a feeling that your
gift from Santa...
...will probably be
around 10 dollars too.
Why? Is Santa Claus
cheap like my daddy?
No, Santa is dad.
Dad is...
Right.
I don't understand.
What's happening?
What's the problem?
There's no Santa Claus.
You're joking with me, right?
You're kidding me.
They know there's
no Santa Claus?
They do now.
How could you lie to us, Daddy?
There is a Santa Claus.
Cody, come on.
You and Santa Claus
don't love me.
That's not gonna
bring back Santa. That's not...
When he gets hurt inside
and can't get...
...his emotions into words,
he takes to streaking.
Don't worry,
he always comes back.
Nobody loves me!
Okay, look.
I'm really, really sorry.
-I assumed...
-All right.
Let's keep it moving.
I'm starting to lose the balls.
All right?
What's this one here?
You're gonna love this, dad.
That's a satellite dish.
Why would I want it?
Not a satellite,
it's a satellite dish.
Terrific. You get more
channels and viewing options.
I don't get enough channels?
Well, your TV right now
is a radio, so...
Wait.
How much does this gift
will cost me a month?
Nothing.
We're paying for the services.
-So, nothing actually.
-Wait, wait.
Just because I drive
a van for a living...
...doesn't mean I need
a fancy lawyer son...
-...paying the bills for me.
-Okay, you win.
If you want to pay,
wherever your want.
The installation guy comes
on Tuesday, he'll install it.
Cancel it.
We install things ourselves.
Dad, I think you'll want
a professional to handle this.
If you think I'll allow
a sex predator...
...in a uniform to wander
around my house...
...and touch my underwear...
You can't... No, no.
I'll see you outside in five.
All three on the roof.
-Let's go.
-Okay.
To her mother.
I gotta take a grumpy.
What don't you...?
You wanna go over
to your mom?
Yeah, okay, come here.
Careful. There you go.
Ain't it nice to have
everybody home?
Yes, it is.
We're gonna make
bologna sandwiches I think.
Okay, here we go.
Okay.
Take her before
it explodes.
Thank you.
Gotta go and do
some man's work.
You gotta use
a lock nut.
I know what I'm doing.
I don't need any lock nut.
Sorry,
I know that you major...
...in a satellite dish
installation at Stanford.
Yeah.
Great, dude. Mock me
for being educated. Awesome.
-Hey, Grandpa!
-Hey!
Come play War with me!
Maybe later,
Grandpa is busy.
Grandma's boyfriend
plays with me whenever I want.
Your grandmother's boyfriend
is a first class ass sniffer.
You can tell him
I said so.
Connor, go get us
some beers, man.
Sounds like you and mom
really turned a corner there.
I don't want to speak ill
of her on Christmas.
But...
...she's a common street whore.
Okay, that's great.
Nicely said.
What?
What do you call a woman...
...who throws away a career,
abandons her kids...
...and runs off
with another man?
-What?
-What do you call her?
Dad, she was a cashier,
that's not a career.
That's a job. She left you
'cause you wouldn't talk to her.
Stopped spending time with her.
Shut her out of you life.
I put a roof over her head.
And I never lied to her face.
I spoiled her,
that's what I did.
Let that be
a lesson to you...
...about being
honest with your wives.
You can't spell "families"
without lies, am I right?
-Amen, Dad.
-Yeah.
What is she like...
two or three months?
-Nine.
-Wow.
-Yeah.
-Nine months.
She's not walking or
taking care of herself by now?
Are you kidding me?
Most days I'm lucky to get...
...my boob out of her mouth
so I can shower.
-Yeah.
-Does that hurt?
Breast feeding?
No.
Maybe at first, but
the nipples get tough.
I can hardly
feel mine anymore.
You wanna flick one?
-No.
-Please.
-No, no.
-Go ahead.
That's okay. I have a
set of my own. I pass.
-Sure. Of course.
-But thanks.
Okay, we're all set!
Hey!
The picture's all fuzzy.
Did you get me some
sort of cheap old satellite?
No, it's not a cheap
old satellite.
I just gotta adjust it.
How about now?
Even worse!
I can make it work!
Hold on!
How about now?
Dad...!
Could you hold her?
I need to bake another thing.
No, actually...
Okay.
Okay.
Come on,
you can't break her.
-Okay.
-Yeah.
Okay, you know what...?
You gotta
point it up at the satellite.
Is it better now?
No, it's worse.
It's still crappy.
I don't think she likes me.
She likes you fine.
Just give her a chance
to warm up to you.
-How about now?
-Worse. It's worse.
Son of a bitch.
Take the damn thing down. I
can do better with rabbit ears.
I love my rabbit ears!
Tell me "hot or cold".
-What?
-Hot or cold.
Hot or cold what?
What the hell does that mean?
How long until
she warms up to me?
Not long at all.
-Horrible.
-Point it up!
Shut up, let me work!
I don't want a fancy satellite.
I don't want any satellite.
It's not a satellite, genius!
It's a satellite dish!
Okay.
-Pull the thing and...
-Get off my roof!
Pull the damn thing!
It's too much.
Whatever you're doing,
stop it right now!
-Leave my TV alone!
-I'm fine!
She stopped crying.
I did it!
You idiot! Stop it!
-This is all right.
-Leave my TV alone!
I'm fine.
That's awesome.
Okay, I'm coming up.
Give me back my baby!
Mistletoe.
Mistletoe.
I can't believe I nailed
that baby's head.
I feel kind of bad.
That's my brother's kid. You
couldn't avoid it. It's fine.
I did get her
to stop crying for a second.
I think she kinds of likes me.
Yeah.
Know what happens to your
nipples after your breast feed?
I don't wanna know.
No, I don't think you do.
It's violent.
-They crack up like tire rubber.
-Okay.
Just so you know, it's a bit of
a cougar den here at my Mom's.
This is different.
Maybe she has
a new boyfriend.
Merry Christmas, Mom.
Merry Christmas, Kate.
Come on in.
Merry Christmas.
Give me a hug, Kate.
Oh, okay.
Good to see you.
And you must be Brad.
Mrs. Kincaid.
Call me Marilyn and get
over here...
...and give me a hug,
you big, fat, purple teddy bear.
Bring it!
-Yes, yes!
-Hey, Merry Christmas.
Shit, that feels good.
You're so tall and firm
like a giant oak.
He's tall.
-Brad, this is my aunt Sarah.
-Hi.
-This is my aunt Donna.
-Hi.
-Genuine leather.
-Nice to meet you, ladies.
The one in the canarian hanging
on your belt is Gram Gram.
Sorry, but that's my belt.
That's attached to me.
Sorry. Merry Christmas to you.
It's a great sweater.
I get it.
This is the den. Well,
everyone's here.
I can't believe you came.
-Hi, Courtney.
-Hi, sweetie.
I can't get up.
Jackson is very gassy...
...and I gotta keep
bouncing him.
Okay.
-Well, this is Brad.
-Hi.
Hi.
I'm Courtney.
-Brad. Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas.
And that's Granddad.
And this is
Courtney's husband, Jim.
-Take Jackson.
-All right.
He's so good with kids.
Yeah.
-We're gonna try again.
-Well...
You're too cool for kids.
It ruins your independence.
I never said
I was too cool for kids.
I know you didn't say it.
But you don't have any.
And you have really strong
ideas about not having them.
Well, that's actually not...
I'd rather just not get into it.
Where's Kasi?
She's outside in the jump-jump
with the rest of the kids.
There's a jump-jump?
Kate hated
the jump-jump.
In the 5th grade, kids trapped
her inside of the jump-jump.
-She never got over it.
-I got over it.
They tortured her
for about an hour.
Why would they
trapped her in?
Because she was...
..."Cootie Kate".
Courtney.
Who's Cootie Kate?
-She didn't tell you?
-This isn't necessary.
All the kids pretended
that Kate had cooties...
...and no one talked to her.
If Kate even touched you,
you'd have to wipe it off...
...and spray with disinfectant
to get it off.
That sounds hurtful.
How long did that go along for?
Not long. I don't remember.
Seven years. Until 6th.
That was a long time ago.
I'm sure you don't
have cooties now.
Let's test it.
Cooties!
Pastor Phil has encouraged us
to dispense...
...with the commercial
trappings of the holidays.
-Pastor Phil?
-Mom's new beau.
It's a whole new thing.
So...
...what I had in mind
was that...
...we'd go around the room
and each of us...
...would speak to the spiritual
gifts that we might give.
A verbal gift giving of sorts.
Wait. There's
really no presents.
Kasi.
None that you can see.
Okay, I'll go first.
I'd like give more
of myself to my church...
...and to Pastor Phil.
Gram-Gram,
would you like to go next?
I could increase the frequency
with which...
...I pleasure Milton with
my hand and with my mouth.
Did she just say that?
Brad, why don't you go next?
I follow Gram-Gram
with that...
...hand stuff and what she
does with her... Yeah, okay?
I'd like to...
...with Kate...
...would be too...
Vacationing more frequently
and do in it with Kate.
That is lovely, Brad.
-He's so well spoken.
-Thank you. Thank you.
Courtney,
what would you give?
Well, I'd like
to give myself a gift.
And that is the gift
of being pregnant.
I know that comes with its
own challenges for 9 months...
...Iike getting fat and
people stare at you funny...
...when you sneak a cig.
I'd like to give
myself another gift.
And that is a scheduled
a C-section.
Don't most women want
to have a natural birth?
Yeah, women who haven't
done it before.
Right.
You just come here.
Auntie Kate,
will you please hold him?
What do I do?
You gotta hold him.
Okay, got him?
I'll fix myself here.
There we go.
-What should I do?
-See if he made a stinky.
How do I do that?
Just lift up his diaper
and see if he made one.
There's
something in here.
It's a really disgusting...
Jackson...
You project it on auntie Kate.
-I'm gonna vomit.
-Brad, are you okay?
Get him some water.
-I'm about to throw up.
-Oh, God.
I'll get sick. I can't be here.
What do I do?
Take it away.
Sorry. I love you.
You gotta get out.
I can't breathe.
I want to do it too!
-Kate!
-What?
Are you joking me? These
are the only clothes we have?
How's that possible?
It's not like you come around.
Haven't been here in... Forever.
Can't believe you told him
about "Cootie Kate".
How's I to know
you hadn't told him?
You'd tell Jim you're
"Cootie Courtney".
We know
everything there is to know.
He knows I slept with
the water polo team.
Like I know he
experimented with men.
-I didn't need to know that.
-My point: after three years...
...I'd think that
you and Brad...
...would know a little more
about yourselves.
How can you appreciate
someone for who they are...
...until you really know them?
Thank you.
I kind of feel like a
Saudi prince in here.
We're so glad that
Kate has a boyfriend.
You're the longest relationship
she's ever had with a man.
With a man?
What's this?
Oh, my God.
Who's that?
That's Josephine.
Everyone called her Joe.
She was Kate's only friend.
Last I heard, Joe coaches
women's wrestling.
Check that out!
-That's Kate?
-Yeah.
She looks like Shaq.
Hi, auntie Kate.
-Hi, Kasi.
-What are you doing?
Not much. Do you need
to use the bathroom?
What's this?
That is my
special magic marker.
What?
We can't
have magic markers.
-I have to tell my mom.
-No. You don't need to do it.
Actually, can I have it back
because...
Kasi.
You want this?
This is not a joke,
this is not game.
Auntie Kate needs
her marker back, okay?
Kasi, this is not funny!
Kasi,
please come out of there!
Don't make me
come and get you.
Kasi!
Come on!
Come and get it!
Wait.
Kate went to a fat camp?
Yeah, she lost three pounds.
It only took her all summer.
A pound a month.
Courtney.
Kasi, honey. Please
give back that marker!
Keep away!
Come and get it, old lady!
What?
Keep away! Keep away!
Give it to me!
"Give it to me."
Just give me the marker.
Okay?
"Just give me the marker.
Okay?"
Come and get it!
Sucker!
Get it!
Yeah!
-That's Kate?
-Yes.
Wait. Hold on.
You told me... Who's that?
-That's Kate.
-That's not a boy named Bjorn?
Can't believe it. Kate's
playing with Kasi.
I've never seen her
play with my kids before.
Hey! Okay!
Mistletoe!
Brad! Mistletoe!
Mistletoe!
-We're so glad you're here.
-I'm having so much fun.
What did she take so long to
bring you? Is what I wanna know.
I came here for a marker...
...and I'm not leaving
without one!
Kasi!
That marker in your mouth,
I peed on it!
Hey!
You never told me
you went to a fat camp.
It was: "Get fit camp".
I can't believe my family
is showing you the pictures.
My favorites are
when you're a baby...
...'cause it looks almost
like you're a twin...
-...but you ate the other baby.
-Brad.
-That's why you're powerful.
-Stop.
You ate your twin sister,
took all of her powers.
-Cut it out.
-Baby, I love you.
It doesn't bother me if you
were a really large child...
...with lesbian tendencies,
if that was your journey...
-...then I'm cool with it.
-What lesbian tendencies?
-I saw the pictures of Joe.
-Joe wasn't gay.
Haircuts don't lie.
What did you do with Joe...
...Iike play baseball
and ride motorcycles?
We're just kids.
She was really imaginative.
We played in the basement.
She had this game: "Sun tan".
Pretended we're on the
beach, she'd take lotion...
...she never wanted me to burn,
so she'd rub it...
Okay, listen and look at me.
You are better.
I'm saying it's not fun when
the shoes are in the other foot.
You shouldn't
have been shitty to me...
...when you have so many
skeletons in your own closet.
Do not throw rocks when
you live in the house of Joe.
I see your point.
I love you.
I'll see you in a little bit.
Mom.
I need to talk
to you for a sec.
I don't have time. I don't
wanna be late for Pastor Phil.
But I just...
I want to talk now.
If it's important now, it'll be
important after church, right?
Yeah...
Clean yourself up a little,
this is a nice church.
And now...
...the Pastor Phil!
Hello. There's a new born King.
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!
Praise Him!
Hallelujah!
Praise Him!
Talk to Him, lady!
Glory to the new born King!
Hallelujah!
Please be seated.
I've been given a note.
The Walshes
performed the role...
...of Mary and Joseph
for the last three years...
...they've done a great job,
but some didn't agree.
So, we'll need a pair
of volunteers...
...to perform the roles
of Mary and Joseph.
You should do it.
What?
No, I won't get in front
of a bunch of strangers.
You're staged trained. You
played Pippin in High School.
No. I wasn't Pippin,
I was in Pippin.
I played a tree because I had
a bad stage fright, remember?
This seems like I'm putting you
on the spot and in fact I am.
Honey,
Pastor Phil needs you.
-I'm not gonna do it.
-A volunteer?
Or do I still need
a volunteer?
Kate will play
the Virgin Mary.
What?
Hallelujah!
The cure of the world!
I just said I wouldn't.
Hallelujah!
Kate, you stand up!
Stand up, please!
Look at the joy you've brought
to this congregation...
...by your volunteering
to be Mary.
Hello.
I still need a Joseph.
Brad, be Joseph.
Not staged trained.
I never played Pippin.
It's not the performance.
You have to get up.
-I don't wanna be alone.
-It's not gonna happen.
Brad, you stand up!
You're a part of this, Brad!
Listen, Brad. I need
to look out for me up there.
Because I'm starting
to get like really nervous.
-That stage fright thing.
-How do I look?
-What do you think?
-You look fine. I'm trying to...
My man's skirt, is it
short or is okay?
-Honestly.
-Little short.
Okay, here's Jesus.
They don't use a doll?
-Here are your scripts.
-Scripts?
-I'm not ready for scripts...
-Hi, Jesus.
No one said
there'll be lines...
-Hi, Jesus.
-Actually, his name's Bernard.
Okay.
Hi, Bernard.
Okay, I got lines. I gotta
try to get my voice ready.
Red leather. Yellow leather.
Red leather. Yellow leather.
This is a good baby.
Look at this baby.
Baby, baby Jesus
is really kind of cute.
This child is a blessing
to the both of us.
Really?
What, do you think
I should do it bigger?
Should I do: "This child's
a blessing for the both of us.
I'm not angry.
I'm inspired.
Oh, my God. There's so many
ways to play this thing.
Can I ask you
a question seriously?
My wife is pregnant,
but is not my child.
But I'm cool with it because
God got her pregnant?
Are we ready
to see the result...
...of that
immaculate conception?
Hallelujah!
Brad, I don't feel good.
You should
hold the baby.
Sweetheart, I gotta get ready.
Just remember:
acting is reacting.
And Joseph and Mary,
went from Galilee...
...and out of the city
of Nazareth.
Okay, find your truth.
I'll finish this bitch.
Brad.
I can't do this.
Check it out, baby.
They're getting my walk.
Because there was no room,
they stayed in the stable.
And Mary wrapped the baby
in swaddling clothes...
...and placed him
in a manger.
And Mary wrapped the baby
in swaddling clothes...
...and placed him in a manger.
Put it in it.
Brad, help me swaddle.
Gotta save my line.,
losing the audience.
It's death out there.
Come on, Mary!
This child is a blessing
for the both of us.
Amen!
That's right!
Your line.
I forgot my line.
-What?
-I forgot my line.
Thank goodness
I memorize yours too.
We shall name him Jesus.
Glory to God!
And peace on earth
to the highest point on earth!
This thing isn't big
enough to swaddle him.
Someone's got to give
a performance.
I'm nervous. I can't feel my
legs. Don't do this.
It'd appear
that my wife is better at...
...making babies than
swaddling them, no? Yes?
Brad, you're wearing the
swaddling cloth on your belt.
Woman, do your job
and swaddle this baby!
Brad, I can't. You're wearing
the swaddle around your belt!
Enough! This child's
life is now in jeopardy.
Unfit mother, give me this baby.
And l, Joseph,
shall swaddle this baby!
And l, Joseph,
will protect this child.
Forgive her, son...
...for she knows not
what she's done!
Yeah!
Hallelujah!
That's the message
of Christmas.
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!
Brad, that was...!
All is calm.
All is bright.
Round you
Virgin Mother and Child.
Holy infant
so tender and mild.
I know how Celine Dion
feels after one shows.
You give,
you're not getting a lot back.
-I got back to you.
-You feel like Celine Dion?
How do you calm down
of such a high?
It's difficult to do that.
I can't believe
you threw me down...
...in front of the
congregation.
You're thinking
about you.
I was thinking about
the entire show.
Frankly,
with you there...
...I brought
the thing home.
-My God.
-I did.
-ls this how it's gonna be?
-What?
-What are you saying?
-I'd like to know...
...you'll be
for me in a crisis.
If we're on a plane,
it's going down.
I passed out,
and say:
"Put on your
oxygen mask."
I'd like to know that you'd
put mine on, before yours.
I wouldn't. FAA wouldn't
want me to do it either.
-I'm not... FAA?
-lf you'd listen...
-What?
-Do you ever listen?
Or are you too busy moving
your BlackBerry?
-I listen to the stewardesses.
-When they say...
...that you're supposed to put
your mask on in an emergency...
...before you try to help
out a child.
-I've heard her.
-lf you pass out...
...you're not helping.
"Put the mask on this one."
Now I'm passed out.
I won't help anybody.
It's not the point.
What is the point? Sorry,
I got this wrong.
What's your point?
We're not connecting.
It's like you're not present.
I have been present.
I've been here all day.
We've been doing things
alongside.
I'd like for us to do
things together.
Kate, you're upset
with your family...
...and you're taking
it out on me.
They've been
my family for years.
This is not about my family,
it's about you and me.
I just...
I just want something.
-Merry Christmas.
-Mom!
-I've missed you!
-Good to see you, Mom!
It's been so long.
-And you must be Kate.
-Yes.
She's a darling.
-Thanks. Nice to meet you.
-It's wonderful.
-Should I call you...
-Just call me Paula.
-Just Paula.
-Okay.
I'm so glad you came.
You've been
taking good care of him.
Hasn't missed
many meals.
-That's great.
-He likes a snack.
-I do like the snack.
-Yes, he does.
Come on in and relax.
I've fixed all of your
favorite dishes, Bradford.
Denver and Susan
are watching TV.
Let's sit here
and catch up for a minute.
-Your house is beautiful.
-Thank you.
This is gorgeous.
Bradford lived
with me after the divorce.
Denver and Dallas were
comfortable with Howard.
But Bradford was
the more sensitive type.
-I was thinking...
-We're best friends.
Just inseparable.
God, he breastfed
until he was five.
Thought l'd
take him to college.
Okay, we had enough...
The only who was
on my tits more...
...was a professor
that I dated.
Could you not say "tits"?
-Hey, kids.
-Okay, this is Darryl.
Hi, nice to meet you.
It is so nice to meet you,
young lady.
And always great
to see you, big guy.
Hey, how was traffic
getting out here?
Can I get your gas money?
I'd like to get your gas money.
Actually, I don't need you
to get my gas money.
Thank you. I make
more than you do.
-So, no thank you.
-Bradford, be nice.
It's okay, sweetie.
Look...
...Brad...
...I'm not trying
to be your father.
You got one of those.
I'm just hoping for chance
to be your friend.
You're my friend, Darryl.
You're my best friend.
We grew up together,
we rode bikes.
Used to smell
each other's hands.
You're sleeping with my mom,
it's weird.
Can you appreciate that?
I never had a sexual thought
about her until I was 30.
Leave it alone.
You can't be my friend anymore.
You can't be sleeping
with my mom...
-...and still be my friend.
-Thirsty.
Kate, what can
I get you to drink?
-I'm good.
-Your mother...
-...is a very sexual being.
-She's a very what?
She's a great lover.
Say that again
and I'll bust your mouth open.
Hey, look it. This is Christmas
and we're not gonna go there.
Kate's been kind enough
to send us some games.
We're gonna play them
and we'll have fun. Okay?
Why are you staring
while eating?
That's uncomfortable.
Don't eat those brownies.
Those are Grandma's
special brownies.
Kate, could you be a lamb
and explain the rules?
Of course. So, you try to
get your team mate...
...to say the word
on the top...
...but can't say any of the
words listed.
And if you say any
of the words...
-...then you get buzzed.
-Okay.
That makes sense?
I'm so excited to have
all here to play this game.
It's gonna be fun.
Hey, it's good to have
my friend back.
So, who wants to go first?
-I'll go.
-Okay.
Brad, why don't you
buzz your mom...
-...and then I'll do the timer.
-Okay.
Thanks.
On your mark, get set, go!
Okay, this is a town in France.
What?
-Can't say "France".
-Don't buzz me.
It's the same
for everybody.
It's okay.
Do the next card.
Okay.
This me, I'm a...
Cradle robber.
-What did he say?
-Keep going.
Don't worry.
You're a therapist. Go.
-No, not Capricorn but...
-Libra.
Yes!
It's fun.
Okay.
This is what you dripped
on me.
Wax!
No, after that.
It's brown.
Make this stop, please.
Chocolate.
No, before that!
After the wax!
-The syrup!
-Yes!
Way sticky,
I wouldn't recommend that.
-Okay.
-Okay, time.
Time.
-Good job. Good job.
-We only got two.
Who wants to go next?
-We'll go.
-Okay, great.
I'll do the buzzer.
Are you gonna eat
while you play that?
-Flip the tube.
-Excuse me?
Flip the tube.
Okay. On your mark,
get set, go!
-Capital of China.
-Hong Kong.
Yes.
Thing next to your bed
on the night stand.
-A sock.
-Yes.
Helped you come up
with this, you're drunk...
...and came home from
the bar last Thursday.
-Alibi.
-Yes.
The thing I'm not
allowed to wear to Supercross.
-Mini skirt.
-Yes!
Me and you dry humping
on the beach.
-A screensaver.
-Yes, baby!
This game is so easy.
The only man I'm allowed
to cheat on you with.
-John Grisham.
-Yes!
-Mexican dude.
-Ricardo Montealban.
-Yes!
-Time.
-Right here. Right here!
-Come on!
Okay, this is like
an attack video.
There's other people
uncomfortable.
Stop. Oh, God.
You guys got a lot.
How many was that?
-Seven.
-Seven.
-Can you do the buzzer?
-Yeah!
We can do this, baby.
You ready?
Yeah.
Let's light a fire.
-Ready? Go!
-Okay.
The thing
I'm most scared of.
-Snakes.
-No, no.
-Thing I'm most scared of.
-Jump-jumps! 4 year-olds.
This scares me to my core.
Come up with something.
Use a lifeline.
Spiders.
I'm scared of spiders.
You don't have to say
the answer.
You can say "eight-legged
animal" or "superhero"...
-Can't say superhero!
-Mom, I'm not the one...
Try again.
In high-school,
my senior year spring break...
...I was in Cancun,
wearing this bikini top...
-Tourists. Skinny.
-No, no, no.
-Thin?
-No, at the bar.
-I was shaking around...
-Dancer.
-My stuff fell out.
-Your what fell out?
My stuff fell out.
Everybody said
when I went to the bar:
"Oh, here comes..."
Peek-a-boo.
Peek-a-boo.
Okay, honey, you can say,
like, "look" or...
-Can't say "look".
-I don't have the card.
I'm giving examples.
I have a thing here.
-See...
-Can't say "see"!
I'm explaining
the game.
Can't say "game"!
Mom, the answer's been said.
She said the answer.
-Let's do the next one.
-Okay.
-Let's... you know?
-I get it.
Okay, this is something
you would eat...
-...you put it on a barbecue.
-Chicken.
-My favorite.
-Beef.
Can't say "beef"!
I'm not saying the things!
-Get that? Just shush.
-Can't say "shush."
Okay, Mom,
I can say "shush."
-You can't say "shush."
-Kebab.
It's kebab.
It says I can't say "shish"!
Shish. Shish. Shish.
I'd say it,
I don't have it.
There's this thing
so that I can't see what it is.
Let's just move on.
Our time's up.
What's this attitude?
I don't have any.
I've shut down.
She buzzes me,
I'm trying to explain to you...
...how to play the game,
you don't get...
...the best ways to play
and I'm shutting down.
I wanna talk to you
about something.
I know what you want
to talk about.
You do?
I don't want you to apologize
because love...
...means never having to say
"I'm sorry." You know?
For the record,
I do forgive you.
When you're
playing board games...
...you shouldn't go so
conceptual, go more literal.
-How else will...?
-No, Brad.
I took a pregnancy test today.
You took what?
I took a pregnancy test today.
At my mom's.
It was in my sister's bag...
...I was in the bathroom,
I was late...
...and I thought I should
probably take a test.
-Honey, you pulled the goalie?
-What?
Can't pull the goalie
without checking.
I did not. That's not
what this conversation is about.
What?
What am I missing here?
Relax, Brad. It was negative.
I'm not pregnant.
Why don't you just hit
me with that from the start?
Instead of making me take laps
around the anxiety pool.
What is this reaction?
If there's one thing
we've learned...
...from being
around our families...
...it's of the dangers
of procreating.
That's not the things
we want in life.
Brad, I realized it today.
I thought
I'd always known...
...I didn't want to have kids.
Took this test...
...I'm waiting for
positive or negative...
...and I thought...
I felt...
...different. You know?
I felt hopeful.
Maybe it would happen...
...and we'd be forced
to get over our fears.
We've spent so much time...
...creating these boundaries
and making sure...
...we don't limit ourselves
with responsibility...
...and I don't wanna
live like that anymore.
That's not loving at all.
-ls that an eighties song?
-No, Brad.
-An eighties song?
-I'm tired of being one foot in.
I want us to be open,
love each other...
...however it's going to be.
If it means...
...we get married or
if we have kids...
...I feel like that's okay.
I wanna be in a relationship...
...that goes
where it needs to go.
Okay. I'd like the relationship
to go to Fiji.
Brad, this is very important.
I wanna have this conversation.
I don't want to.
I don't wanna have it.
I feel the same
when we first met.
I've been honest.
I don't want a conversation
about it...
...because I don't want
those things.
Okay.
You don't have
to come in.
I'm not going
to let you go in yourself.
I'll have my sister
drive me back.
We'll go
and I'll drive you home.
I'm not gonna go
and pretend...
...we're something we're not.
I can't do that anymore.
Listen to me, please.
Let's not overreact to this.
I'm not overreacting, Brad.
I get it.
I'm the one changing
the rules.
If you don't want to change
them with me, I understand.
I just can't do this anymore.
Honey?
Coming in?
Hey, Dad.
She made it!
Auntie Kate!
Auntie Kate!
Merry Christmas again!
Hi, Kasi.
Merry Christmas.
Come see the cool stuff
Grandpa Creighton got me!
Okay.
Hi, I'm Cheryl,
your dad's girlfriend.
-Nice to finally meet you.
-Excuse me.
-Hey, Kate!
-Hi, Mom.
I got a Dora the Explorer
backpack...
...a matching Dora thermos,
a big girl necklace...
...and princess shoes!
Hey, guys!
Hi, Auntie Kate.
Where's Brad?
Kasi, why don't you go
tell grandpa thanks...
...for all your new toys?
You'd better go or
I'm going to tickle.
Go!
This is amazing.
Dad and Mom
in the same room?
They hated each other.
They've been getting together
for stuff since Kasi turned one.
It must be really nice
for Kasi.
It's really nice for everyone.
-Where is Brad?
-He's not going to make it.
If it's all the same...
...I'd really just rather
not talk about it.
-I'm sorry. I didn't realize...
-It's okay.
It's not something I want
to get into right now.
We won't talk about him.
I have a great idea!
Internet dating.
Do it. It's great.
You just pay 20 bucks,
you put in your profile.
Susan, next door, did it.
She found her husband.
It's great.
He doesn't have a job,
they're on it.
You should do it!
-I'll think about that.
-Yes.
I'm gonna take a minute.
Okay. I got your back.
Gotcha.
Thanks.
Hi, kiddo.
Hey, Dad.
Did Brad leave to get
a jumpstart...
...on inoculating babies
in Burma?
What?
Maybe he's making
sock monkeys...
...for foster kids?
Or weaving ponchos
for pregnant women...
...in the Yucatan?
So, I guess you knew
we were lying?
Oh, boy.
Unfortunately, I've had
a lot of experience...
...bending the truth
to avoid my family.
And I'll tell you, honey.
I would give anything...
...to have that time
back again.
I would too.
It's taken me a lot of years...
...and several divorces
to learn that...
...nothing really beats
being honest.
Honest about who you are,
what you need...
...all the rest tends
to work itself out.
I was honest...
...and I think he was too.
It wasn't
what I wanted to hear.
Cheryl made the dressing...
...and I did some
of the cooking too.
I put the ice cubes
in the glasses...
...and salt
in the saltshakers.
All right, well.
Not long ago, I wouldn't
have been able...
...to put this group
of people together...
...in my wildest imagination.
The changes we've all
been through...
...the little hurts
we've given each other...
...we hope we're forgiven
for them.
We thank you, dear Lord...
...because there's nothing
more important than family.
-Amen.
-Amen.
Amen.
What the hell
do you want?
You forgot your tampons?
I didn't forget anything.
Just came by to see you.
What for?
You already destroyed
my TV and family room.
You want to bust up
my kitchen as well?
Look, I'm sorry
about that, Dad.
I didn't mean to do all that.
Where's tiny?
She didn't come?
Kate...
...she's not with me.
Finally smelled the pathetic
on you, did she?
No. In fact, she said
she wanted to get...
...more serious with me.
She said that...
...you know,
she loved me...
...wanted to see herself
having a family with me...
...having kids with me.
Congratulations. That's what
you wanted to hear?
-I said no, Dad.
-You what?
I told her I don't want
to get married.
Are you shitting me?
I'll be damned.
I'll be damned.
That's my boy.
I always knew you were
the smart one, Lando.
Your mind and spirit
are strong, like mine.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
It's always the one
you fight with the most...
...who is the most like you.
Why are we standing
out here for?
Let's go inside, have a drink.
Man to man.
Father to son.
-Right. Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas.
You're a big boy now.
Let's go in.
Take appraisal of the damage
you've done.
Would anyone like
anything else?
-No, no.
-This one's out.
Dad, can you check
on Jackson?
-Yeah. The blanket.
-He's got the pillow.
-This is hers?
-Yeah.
Hey.
Okay, listen.
If you get one, get two
because they're like dogs.
-What are you talking about?
-Kids.
If you leave one by itself,
you'll never leave.
You'll feel guilty
being there by itself.
With two,
they got someone to play with.
The other big thing
is school.
A private school?
Then you got sweater vests...
...and lacrosse coming at you.
But in a public school...
...there's an older student,
who's hyperactive...
...hopped up on medication,
and will try to shank the guy.
That's uncomfortable.
Are you having this conversation
'cause you're comfortable?
Or because
you wanna go to Fiji?
I wanna go to Fiji.
The tickets are paid for...
...and hotel rooms
aren't transferable.
But, honey,
I do feel comfortable now...
...having this conversation
because in my heart...
...I know I've found
the one person in life...
...that I want to have
these conversations with.
And that person's you.
-I love you so much.
-Come here.
This, like, doesn't mean
we're getting married...
-...or having kids right away.
-No.
But we should talk,
because these things happen.
Not that we're planning on it.
We're talking; that happens.
And if we do have them,
then, you know...
-...there's a lot of advantages.
-Yeah. They're wonderful.
They make you feel love.
Also, they're little
walking tax shelters.
You can write a lot
of stuff off.
Yeah, and the yard work.
You save money.
At a certain age, you can have
them on the lawnmower.
-When they're seven.
-Not slave labor.
-No, no.
-It's teaching discipline.
-Chores for money.
-We're not planning the future.
We would've ended up in a
home playing Bingo in Florida.
Now we can live
with them.
-They'll take us in.
-Exciting. I never thought it.
Feel comfortable
to talk to me...
...about anything you want
to talk about.
Unless there's, like,
a playoff game.
We can find
an appropriate time.
-I'm kidding. Kind of.
-Okay.
Just to be clear,
this doesn't mean...
...we're getting married
soon...
...or having kids right away.
But we're open...
...to let love grow
where it wants to grow.
-Exactly.
-We're open to letting it grow.
Doesn't mean kids.
-I can't believe we did it.
-We did.
I don't know what happened,
or the procedure...
...but here's this beautiful
thing here. You know?
I did feel
like an air traffic controller.
Between the huffs,
and the signals and stuff...
...it just kind of
all happened.
It's awesome, baby.
You're so awesome.
You were amazing.
You were like this.
-Thanks, babe.
-We have a baby!
-How's she doing?
-Good. Sleeping.
I just wanted to let you and
our new year's baby know...
...that you're welcome
to bring family members now.
-That won't happen.
-No, no family.
Your families don't know?
I think they'd be shocked
to hear Kate was pregnant.
Our families
can be a little much.
I like to think that we're
keeping it special for us...
...rather than not
including them.
Happy New Year, Bay Area!
We're here live
at Pacific General...
...where the first baby,
has just been born!
Let's go say hello
to those lucky parents!
Congratulations,
McVie family...
...on having the first baby
of the New Year!
Dad, how does it feel?
We're doing great.
There was... a vacuum.
And then there was...
...stretching and juices.
What he's trying to say is
we're just beyond words excited.
Oh, goodness.
I got some in my mouth!
I can't be around it!
I'm gonna do it too!
DISTRIMAX S.A. DE C.V.
Hi.
Hi.
My name is Kent.
What's your name?
Daphne.
Daphne. Beautiful name.
It sounds like the
name of a flower.
Obviously I know that it's
not a flower, but it could be.
I like the flowers.
Smelling them, stuff like that.
Sending them to people.
Where are you from?
Connecticut.
Really?
I am a big fan of it.
I'm a... Who isn't, right?
You're close to the city...
...and you can really enjoy it.
But also it has
a small town feel.
-Did you go to school there?
-Yeah. I went to Wesslam.
That's a great school.
-What's your major?
-Psychology.
It's great.
Those are really beautiful
earrings, by the way.
Nice job complementing...
I'll stop you right there.
Because on paper
you've done everything right.
Took an interest
in my personal history.
You've complemented
my accessories.
Blah, blah, blah.
If we'd met in college, our
relationship would've developed.
Which I'd come to regret.
I'd find out...
...that you're just as boring
in the bedroom...
...as you've been during
this awful conversation.
Okay, Daphne...
If I wanted a nice
sexual pen pal...
...you'd be on my list.
We'd just l-chat all night.
LOL. Tickles.
But unfortunately, that's
not what I'm looking for.
I want a man whose
hand doesn't shake...
...when he puts it up my shirt.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Okay.
Daphne, if I could just...
Save it, Kent.
I'm not looking for a BFF.
Daphne, please.
Bitch, I'm talking to you!
-What did you call me?
-I didn't stutter.
You sure can talk the talk,
you crazy little slut.
But, can you
deliver the goodies?
I don't give a damn
about Connecticut.
I hate those cheap buildings.
I'm from North Dakota and this
is how we handle our business...
...in the vice and state,
mamma.
Get your hands off me.
I'll take you to your knees
in this bar.
Promise?
Hold on, angel crossing!
Angel crossing!
Get on it. Here we come.
Watch out!
What a beautiful view.
So, this is where you live?
This is where
you live too, honey. Come on.
What do you think
about Daphne?
-I really liked Daphne.
-You did?
-Yeah.
-Definitely naughty.
She's a lot naughty,
but in the fun way.
Kent?
Did you like him?
-Kent was hot.
-Really?
I like those glasses,
nice touch.
You want to try
on the planes vibe?
Like an angry cowboy
who drives a van.
-Hot.
-But has ninja equipment...
...back in his apartment.
A lot's happening.
-You know?
-Yeah.
Like a transformer.
-I'd like to meet Kent again.
-Yeah, come here.
Toothpaste and all.
-I love you, Kate.
-I love you.
You are the best girl
in the whole world.
Let's get this off of you.
That was fun.
-That feels good.
-It's the acupressure.
-Really?
-No, I just like to rub it.
This stuff is connected to
stuff inside your tummy.
-I know.
-Push the wrong...
-Know what that's for?
-Until later.
Okay.
When's the big day?
I'm sorry?
We're getting married in the
spring in South Carolina.
-Yeah, what about you?
-We're not getting married.
So, why do you take
the dance classes?
We do a lot of stuff together.
That's one.
Yeah, it's fun.
Can't think of what
we don't do together.
Why you
don't wanna get married?
-Yeah.
-We are happy.
-We're happy.
-Yeah.
I love her.
Marriage brings pressure...
...and stress in stuff.
Don't want our relationship
to be work.
We're together
'cause we enjoy it.
Not because we have to.
There's a reason that they
use the expressions:
"Tying the knot"
or "Ball and chain".
Know the
words of a ceremony?
Like: "l promise to obey."
Or "Till death do us part."
I'd rather be like stuck
on an island...
...with some weird millionaire
trying to kill me...
...and trying to escape
than be...
...in something with that.
That's a time bomb.
So, what about children?
You do want to make them, no?
-No, no.
-No.
I don't wanna make them.
It just don't want to be
responsible for this kid...
...and disappoint them.
Yeah, that's our families.
We're both from
divorced families.
We've seen it. We don't
need to repeat the pattern.
But anyway, congratulations
on getting married.
That's a cool thing.
To each their own.
Yeah, absolutely.
-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas!
Bye-bye.
-Big-bad Brad!
-Hi!
-How are you?
-Look at this. How are you?
You remember
my girlfriend.
-How are you? Good to see you.
-Hi.
What are you guys
doing for Christmas?
We got the entire
family flying in.
to how gifted my nieces are.
My brother thinks his daughter,
the four year old...
...is gonna be the next Beyonce.
She is bad and she sucks.
I'm vacationing in tropical
Albany this year...
...with Tricia's family.
They got us a cot,
which is awesome.
We'll end up sleeping...
...on the couch
in the basement with cats.
All seven of them.
We'll get to be there
the whole week.
Sounds like
a prison sentence.
Why put
yourselves through that?
It's Christmas, right?
Don't you have to?
We don't need to do it.
We don't.
We don't do it.
-We're done.
-Why, what are you doing?
-We're going to Fiji. Just us.
-Yeah.
Fiji?
Yeah.
Don't your families
get upset?
Not if you're doing
charity work.
Like building houses
in third world countries.
Teaching English
in Puerto Rico.
Helping orphans in Somalia.
Helping Chinese kids
capture lobsters.
Boil them, cut them,
clean the weird stuff out.
We find it that the more
details you give...
...kinda throws them
off the set.
You lie to your families
at Christmas time?
You really
can't do it without lies.
Try it.
But don't you
ever feel guilty?
For taking a vacation
on our vacation?
No, not really.
-You look sexy with a tan.
-Thanks, babe.
You could take this one.
This one here.
-Like that.
-Yeah, that's a good idea.
I made a couple's
massage rev for the weekend.
-You did? It's great.
-Yeah.
I'd
check us in online after this.
I did it.
You checked us in?
You're the best, sweetheart.
I picked up a pair of
noise-canceling headphones.
-You did not.
-For the next time.
-Oh my God.
-I'm excited.
We'd sign up for the scuba
boat as soon as we get there...
...I heard it fills up
really quick.
Do you feel like we've
been on this vacation before?
The scuba diving, we did that
in Bali and Costa Rica.
Yeah, but this is Fiji.
We've never been to Fiji.
That's a different island.
The resort is beautiful.
And the scuba diving
will be different.
It's different water and fish.
It's gonna be really good.
I'm excited.
-lt'll be amazing.
-Are you excited?
-I am. I'm really excited.
-I'm excited.
-I love you.
-I love you too.
Hey, Mom, merry Christmas.
Yeah.
Listen. Actually I'm sorry
I didn't call you sooner.
We're actually heading out
to Burma.
Yeah. That's exactly
the island in Asia, Burma.
We're inoculating babies.
Yeah, we'll be
helping out this kids.
It's such a great cause,
but honestly...
...it just sucks that we won't
be with you and the family.
You know how much...
I know it's been three years.
I wish I would've
called you sooner.
But Kate sent all
the gifts and stuff to you.
Okay.
That's Merry Christmas
in Burmese.
All right, I'll tell her.
I love you too. Bye.
Learned
"Merry Christmas"?
I gotta take everything
to the next level.
Come on, let's do this.
I'm excited.
Attention, San Francisco
passengers.
All flights
have been grounded...
...due to
weather conditions.
Sir, excuse me.
Your flight is not going out.
But what I can do
is get you set up for standby...
...on the first flight
to Fiji tomorrow. Okay?
Tomorrow won't be great.
We've scheduled
the couple's massage...
I'm sorry, sir. I don't make
the fog, I deal with it.
The best I can do is get you
a suite at the Radisson.
They have lovely accommodations
next to the airport.
You promise?
At the Radisson?
-Did you hear that?
-Brad.
No, that's terrific.
Would it be possible
to take us out...
...and get us McDonald's
as desert?
I'll start missing
flights often.
With this kind of
red carpet service.
-Terrific. A suite.
-Brad, please.
That's not helping, Brad.
Is there another airline...
...that you're affiliated with?
Like a sister airline?
-No, I'm sorry.
-Do you have a cousin airline?
How about one your
airline's filled out before?
The FAA has ruled that bay
area fog is simply too thick.
No flights are coming in
and no flights are going out...
...until at least
tomorrow morning.
Let's see how travelers
are coping in all of this task.
We have a couple over here.
Excuse me, sir?
Where are you headed
for this Christmas?
We're live on the air.
You look
dressed for vacation.
We're taking...
And we take the trips.
We'll take a different trip.
What he's trying to say is
that we plan a trip every year.
This is actually
ruining our Christmas.
You must be pretty upset.
Are you visiting family?
This is Kate.
Hi, Mom.
I know, Mom. All the flights
were cancelled.
-They're not...
-It's Dad.
They're not sure
if it'll be today.
You want me to answer it?
Do I answer or no?
Do I pick it up or not?
Yes, I know. I understand
you have feelings.
What? What do you want me to do?
I don't know what this means.
He's gonna
give you a big hug.
-I'm not hugging anybody.
-He's excited.
-We'll see you at noon.
-Noon?
Kate, are you crazy?
Did you commit us to go?
What did you want me to say?
They saw us on the news.
We're not
inoculating babies in Burma.
-No...
-We're stuck here.
What did you say to your dad?
I told my dad that we'll
be going over there.
Don't compare
your situation.
-You kidding?
-There's new stuff...
...that you're missing.
My Dad's a unique
animal. Your mother's not.
My dad, your mom.
My mom, your dad.
Great.
We'll see
Know what this means?
What you committed us to?
I know exactly
what this means.
Brad.
Baby.
I don't want to fight.
I don't wanna fight either.
-I hate this.
-We never fight. I'm sorry.
I love you.
This is what our families do
and what happens.
Mother makes me crazy
when I talk to her.
You're right.
Here's all we got to do.
Get through this
Four Christmases...
...as quickly and as painlessly
as possible.
Exactly. Promise me that no
matter what happens today...
...we'll still
have each other.
-Honey, of course we will.
-Okay.
If one of these
houses gets too intense...
-...we'll need a strategy.
-Yes.
We'll need a word that
means it's time to leave.
A safe word,
what it should be?
It's a good idea.
Mistletoe.
-Mistletoe is really good.
-Okay.
By the way, my father's house
can get uncomfortable.
Please do not feel embarrassed
if you feel the need...
...to pull the cord early,
say Mistletoe...
...if this house
gets too uncomfortable.
-Okay.
-Even if we're there for 10 min.
All right, I'll let you know.
I'm looking out for you.
Be cool.
I'm gonna go see
your dad and your brothers now.
Unless you're too weird
with it, then we're out.
-I'm going in.
-And going out would be...
-Mistletoe.
-Done. Let's get out of here.
Brad, we're going in.
Let's go.
Son of a bitch.
The TV stars actually came.
-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas, Dad.
Merry Christmas.
Good to see you.
-Thanks for having us.
-Good to see you.
-Come on in.
-Okay.
Let's... Let's celebrate.
Okay. Sounds good.
That's a lot
of presents you sent.
You're trying
to outdo us?
The biggest
one is for you, Howard.
Yeah? What is it?
I'm not gonna tell you.
What, are you crazy?
-Bro.
-Hey, buddy.
Baby!
Kate, these are my brothers:
Denver and Dallas.
-Hi, nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
You must be Orlando's girl.
Orlando?
We're named after the cities
in which we're conceived.
I'm Denver, that's Dallas.
And this is Orlando.
Orlando?
My given name is Orlando.
But I changed it to Brad.
I'm Brad.
What?
Well, Merry Christmas
one and all.
-Ordeurs for anyone.
-Come on.
Who are you trying
to impress, Suze?
We also got beer in the back.
Ladies first.
Thank you so much.
What is this?
Is this cheese?
Yeah, spray.
Spray cheese from the famous
family of aerosol cheeses.
Give me a hand.
Here we go.
Do you have something
to say about my wife's cheese?
Hump it! Hump it!
I haven't seen
that in a while.
Shut it, soldier boy!
The spray cheese!
The spray cheese!
Bring it home, soldier boy.
God, honey. I'm so sorry
that you had to see that.
Let me
apologize for them.
If you wanna say "Mistletoe"
'cause it's too heavy, I get it.
I get it. Don't feel weird.
Need to get out, let me
know about your comfort zone.
That was weird.
Can't believe you didn't
tell me your name.
-What are you saying?
-l...
It's crazy.
We've been together for 3 years.
I don't know your name.
Isn't that odd?
No, it's not. I hated my name
so I changed it.
Don't say: "My name used
to be asshole, but it's Bob."
-Just: "My name is Bob."
-Maybe to a stranger...
...but to somebody close?
You say your real name.
I don't want to get into
this now.
This is what I was
afraid would happen.
This is isn't us, it's them.
We're letting them in.
Your name isn't asshole.
It's like your middle name.
Don't wanna be
blindsided again.
Very funny. Go ahead
and take a shot at me.
I have to deal
with those Neanderthals.
I gotta take it from you.
No, you shouldn't. You shouldn't
let them walk over you.
Kate, they're trained
USC fighters.
Know pressure
points on people.
You're twice their size.
They're semi-professional
cage fighters.
Like one person comes out,
one doesn't.
A cock fighting
but with dudes.
-Said they're personal trainers.
-They're dude cock fighters.
Like what you see on the PPV.
Exactly. Except they don't
actually get paid for it.
They brawl
in people's backyards...
...and they upload
the footage to YouTube.
Honey, my childhood was just
like "Shawshank Redemption".
Except I didn't have some kind,
older, soft spoken black man...
...to share my struggle with.
But you're not
that child anymore, okay?
You're a grown, strong,
confident, successful man.
I don't want to get into this.
Brad, just know the truth.
They're intimidated by you.
What you need to do
is go out there...
...and set some
boundaries...
...and demand that
they respect you. You know?
Hey, big city, come to
open up some presents!
-Come on, we gotta go!
-This is your opportunity.
You can do this, baby.
Right, right.
Okay, gentlemen.
Can we take it down
a notch, please?
I'm not a kid, you can't
talk to me like that.
We're adults.
Understand?
I'm a grown man
with hair on my chest, right?
There's gonna be certain
boundaries between us.
They might be invisible.
I know you won't see them...
...but you'll be able to respect
the fact that they're there.
These boundaries
are not to be crossed.
And if they're crossed, there's
gonna be real consequences.
Thank you.
Welcome back, stud!
Don't!
Stop!
Stop it!
Come on, can I go in?
No, you boys could get hurt.
Come in!
-Come on!
-Take us in!
-Go!
-Yes!
Get it!
Google me, bitch!
What?
Google. You might wanna
look me up sometime, Barbara!
No! Dad!
Stop!
Let's open the presents...
...so Orlando can get
to his other Christmases.
Let's do it.
Baby.
It's me. It's me.
Are you okay?
Did you break anything?
I am so proud of you.
Orlando, just go to the tree.
Gosh, wasn't it so
hard to find gifts...
...under the 10 dollar cap?
The first gift is to Connor.
-The 10 dollar what?
-10 dollar spending cap.
Uncle Brad and his special
friend Kate, maybe...
Brad?
I'll be your nice uncle...
...after you see what I got you.
Open it up.
-Brad?
-Yeah.
What?
X-Box. This is awesome.
Top shelf for you, pal.
It's got the triple core
processor, the whole deal.
It's a 10 dollar
spending cap.
How did you find
an X-Box for under 10 dollars?
Someone's trying to show off
how much money he makes.
His family
didn't tell him...
...there's a 10 dollar
spending cap.
Or maybe if you came home
you'd know crap like that.
Can we try
to stay positive here?
What's the problem? We're
trying to give some gifts.
It's Christmas. Let's keep
the momentum going.
The next gift is to Cody.
This is from your dad.
I'm sure this is
a good gift too. Okay?
Good, tear it up.
A flashlight?
That's it?
Why don't you love me,
Daddy?
Okay, okay. Honestly,
I think it's my fault.
Didn't know about the
a 10 dollars.
My gift from Santa Claus
better be straight cool.
I have a feeling that your
gift from Santa...
...will probably be
around 10 dollars too.
Why? Is Santa Claus
cheap like my daddy?
No, Santa is dad.
Dad is...
Right.
I don't understand.
What's happening?
What's the problem?
There's no Santa Claus.
You're joking with me, right?
You're kidding me.
They know there's
no Santa Claus?
They do now.
How could you lie to us, Daddy?
There is a Santa Claus.
Cody, come on.
You and Santa Claus
don't love me.
That's not gonna
bring back Santa. That's not...
When he gets hurt inside
and can't get...
...his emotions into words,
he takes to streaking.
Don't worry,
he always comes back.
Nobody loves me!
Okay, look.
I'm really, really sorry.
-I assumed...
-All right.
Let's keep it moving.
I'm starting to lose the balls.
All right?
What's this one here?
You're gonna love this, dad.
That's a satellite dish.
Why would I want it?
Not a satellite,
it's a satellite dish.
Terrific. You get more
channels and viewing options.
I don't get enough channels?
Well, your TV right now
is a radio, so...
Wait.
How much does this gift
will cost me a month?
Nothing.
We're paying for the services.
-So, nothing actually.
-Wait, wait.
Just because I drive
a van for a living...
...doesn't mean I need
a fancy lawyer son...
-...paying the bills for me.
-Okay, you win.
If you want to pay,
wherever your want.
The installation guy comes
on Tuesday, he'll install it.
Cancel it.
We install things ourselves.
Dad, I think you'll want
a professional to handle this.
If you think I'll allow
a sex predator...
...in a uniform to wander
around my house...
...and touch my underwear...
You can't... No, no.
I'll see you outside in five.
All three on the roof.
-Let's go.
-Okay.
To her mother.
I gotta take a grumpy.
What don't you...?
You wanna go over
to your mom?
Yeah, okay, come here.
Careful. There you go.
Ain't it nice to have
everybody home?
Yes, it is.
We're gonna make
bologna sandwiches I think.
Okay, here we go.
Okay.
Take her before
it explodes.
Thank you.
Gotta go and do
some man's work.
You gotta use
a lock nut.
I know what I'm doing.
I don't need any lock nut.
Sorry,
I know that you major...
...in a satellite dish
installation at Stanford.
Yeah.
Great, dude. Mock me
for being educated. Awesome.
-Hey, Grandpa!
-Hey!
Come play War with me!
Maybe later,
Grandpa is busy.
Grandma's boyfriend
plays with me whenever I want.
Your grandmother's boyfriend
is a first class ass sniffer.
You can tell him
I said so.
Connor, go get us
some beers, man.
Sounds like you and mom
really turned a corner there.
I don't want to speak ill
of her on Christmas.
But...
...she's a common street whore.
Okay, that's great.
Nicely said.
What?
What do you call a woman...
...who throws away a career,
abandons her kids...
...and runs off
with another man?
-What?
-What do you call her?
Dad, she was a cashier,
that's not a career.
That's a job. She left you
'cause you wouldn't talk to her.
Stopped spending time with her.
Shut her out of you life.
I put a roof over her head.
And I never lied to her face.
I spoiled her,
that's what I did.
Let that be
a lesson to you...
...about being
honest with your wives.
You can't spell "families"
without lies, am I right?
-Amen, Dad.
-Yeah.
What is she like...
two or three months?
-Nine.
-Wow.
-Yeah.
-Nine months.
She's not walking or
taking care of herself by now?
Are you kidding me?
Most days I'm lucky to get...
...my boob out of her mouth
so I can shower.
-Yeah.
-Does that hurt?
Breast feeding?
No.
Maybe at first, but
the nipples get tough.
I can hardly
feel mine anymore.
You wanna flick one?
-No.
-Please.
-No, no.
-Go ahead.
That's okay. I have a
set of my own. I pass.
-Sure. Of course.
-But thanks.
Okay, we're all set!
Hey!
The picture's all fuzzy.
Did you get me some
sort of cheap old satellite?
No, it's not a cheap
old satellite.
I just gotta adjust it.
How about now?
Even worse!
I can make it work!
Hold on!
How about now?
Dad...!
Could you hold her?
I need to bake another thing.
No, actually...
Okay.
Okay.
Come on,
you can't break her.
-Okay.
-Yeah.
Okay, you know what...?
You gotta
point it up at the satellite.
Is it better now?
No, it's worse.
It's still crappy.
I don't think she likes me.
She likes you fine.
Just give her a chance
to warm up to you.
-How about now?
-Worse. It's worse.
Son of a bitch.
Take the damn thing down. I
can do better with rabbit ears.
I love my rabbit ears!
Tell me "hot or cold".
-What?
-Hot or cold.
Hot or cold what?
What the hell does that mean?
How long until
she warms up to me?
Not long at all.
-Horrible.
-Point it up!
Shut up, let me work!
I don't want a fancy satellite.
I don't want any satellite.
It's not a satellite, genius!
It's a satellite dish!
Okay.
-Pull the thing and...
-Get off my roof!
Pull the damn thing!
It's too much.
Whatever you're doing,
stop it right now!
-Leave my TV alone!
-I'm fine!
She stopped crying.
I did it!
You idiot! Stop it!
-This is all right.
-Leave my TV alone!
I'm fine.
That's awesome.
Okay, I'm coming up.
Give me back my baby!
Mistletoe.
Mistletoe.
I can't believe I nailed
that baby's head.
I feel kind of bad.
That's my brother's kid. You
couldn't avoid it. It's fine.
I did get her
to stop crying for a second.
I think she kinds of likes me.
Yeah.
Know what happens to your
nipples after your breast feed?
I don't wanna know.
No, I don't think you do.
It's violent.
-They crack up like tire rubber.
-Okay.
Just so you know, it's a bit of
a cougar den here at my Mom's.
This is different.
Maybe she has
a new boyfriend.
Merry Christmas, Mom.
Merry Christmas, Kate.
Come on in.
Merry Christmas.
Give me a hug, Kate.
Oh, okay.
Good to see you.
And you must be Brad.
Mrs. Kincaid.
Call me Marilyn and get
over here...
...and give me a hug,
you big, fat, purple teddy bear.
Bring it!
-Yes, yes!
-Hey, Merry Christmas.
Shit, that feels good.
You're so tall and firm
like a giant oak.
He's tall.
-Brad, this is my aunt Sarah.
-Hi.
-This is my aunt Donna.
-Hi.
-Genuine leather.
-Nice to meet you, ladies.
The one in the canarian hanging
on your belt is Gram Gram.
Sorry, but that's my belt.
That's attached to me.
Sorry. Merry Christmas to you.
It's a great sweater.
I get it.
This is the den. Well,
everyone's here.
I can't believe you came.
-Hi, Courtney.
-Hi, sweetie.
I can't get up.
Jackson is very gassy...
...and I gotta keep
bouncing him.
Okay.
-Well, this is Brad.
-Hi.
Hi.
I'm Courtney.
-Brad. Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas.
And that's Granddad.
And this is
Courtney's husband, Jim.
-Take Jackson.
-All right.
He's so good with kids.
Yeah.
-We're gonna try again.
-Well...
You're too cool for kids.
It ruins your independence.
I never said
I was too cool for kids.
I know you didn't say it.
But you don't have any.
And you have really strong
ideas about not having them.
Well, that's actually not...
I'd rather just not get into it.
Where's Kasi?
She's outside in the jump-jump
with the rest of the kids.
There's a jump-jump?
Kate hated
the jump-jump.
In the 5th grade, kids trapped
her inside of the jump-jump.
-She never got over it.
-I got over it.
They tortured her
for about an hour.
Why would they
trapped her in?
Because she was...
..."Cootie Kate".
Courtney.
Who's Cootie Kate?
-She didn't tell you?
-This isn't necessary.
All the kids pretended
that Kate had cooties...
...and no one talked to her.
If Kate even touched you,
you'd have to wipe it off...
...and spray with disinfectant
to get it off.
That sounds hurtful.
How long did that go along for?
Not long. I don't remember.
Seven years. Until 6th.
That was a long time ago.
I'm sure you don't
have cooties now.
Let's test it.
Cooties!
Pastor Phil has encouraged us
to dispense...
...with the commercial
trappings of the holidays.
-Pastor Phil?
-Mom's new beau.
It's a whole new thing.
So...
...what I had in mind
was that...
...we'd go around the room
and each of us...
...would speak to the spiritual
gifts that we might give.
A verbal gift giving of sorts.
Wait. There's
really no presents.
Kasi.
None that you can see.
Okay, I'll go first.
I'd like give more
of myself to my church...
...and to Pastor Phil.
Gram-Gram,
would you like to go next?
I could increase the frequency
with which...
...I pleasure Milton with
my hand and with my mouth.
Did she just say that?
Brad, why don't you go next?
I follow Gram-Gram
with that...
...hand stuff and what she
does with her... Yeah, okay?
I'd like to...
...with Kate...
...would be too...
Vacationing more frequently
and do in it with Kate.
That is lovely, Brad.
-He's so well spoken.
-Thank you. Thank you.
Courtney,
what would you give?
Well, I'd like
to give myself a gift.
And that is the gift
of being pregnant.
I know that comes with its
own challenges for 9 months...
...Iike getting fat and
people stare at you funny...
...when you sneak a cig.
I'd like to give
myself another gift.
And that is a scheduled
a C-section.
Don't most women want
to have a natural birth?
Yeah, women who haven't
done it before.
Right.
You just come here.
Auntie Kate,
will you please hold him?
What do I do?
You gotta hold him.
Okay, got him?
I'll fix myself here.
There we go.
-What should I do?
-See if he made a stinky.
How do I do that?
Just lift up his diaper
and see if he made one.
There's
something in here.
It's a really disgusting...
Jackson...
You project it on auntie Kate.
-I'm gonna vomit.
-Brad, are you okay?
Get him some water.
-I'm about to throw up.
-Oh, God.
I'll get sick. I can't be here.
What do I do?
Take it away.
Sorry. I love you.
You gotta get out.
I can't breathe.
I want to do it too!
-Kate!
-What?
Are you joking me? These
are the only clothes we have?
How's that possible?
It's not like you come around.
Haven't been here in... Forever.
Can't believe you told him
about "Cootie Kate".
How's I to know
you hadn't told him?
You'd tell Jim you're
"Cootie Courtney".
We know
everything there is to know.
He knows I slept with
the water polo team.
Like I know he
experimented with men.
-I didn't need to know that.
-My point: after three years...
...I'd think that
you and Brad...
...would know a little more
about yourselves.
How can you appreciate
someone for who they are...
...until you really know them?
Thank you.
I kind of feel like a
Saudi prince in here.
We're so glad that
Kate has a boyfriend.
You're the longest relationship
she's ever had with a man.
With a man?
What's this?
Oh, my God.
Who's that?
That's Josephine.
Everyone called her Joe.
She was Kate's only friend.
Last I heard, Joe coaches
women's wrestling.
Check that out!
-That's Kate?
-Yeah.
She looks like Shaq.
Hi, auntie Kate.
-Hi, Kasi.
-What are you doing?
Not much. Do you need
to use the bathroom?
What's this?
That is my
special magic marker.
What?
We can't
have magic markers.
-I have to tell my mom.
-No. You don't need to do it.
Actually, can I have it back
because...
Kasi.
You want this?
This is not a joke,
this is not game.
Auntie Kate needs
her marker back, okay?
Kasi, this is not funny!
Kasi,
please come out of there!
Don't make me
come and get you.
Kasi!
Come on!
Come and get it!
Wait.
Kate went to a fat camp?
Yeah, she lost three pounds.
It only took her all summer.
A pound a month.
Courtney.
Kasi, honey. Please
give back that marker!
Keep away!
Come and get it, old lady!
What?
Keep away! Keep away!
Give it to me!
"Give it to me."
Just give me the marker.
Okay?
"Just give me the marker.
Okay?"
Come and get it!
Sucker!
Get it!
Yeah!
-That's Kate?
-Yes.
Wait. Hold on.
You told me... Who's that?
-That's Kate.
-That's not a boy named Bjorn?
Can't believe it. Kate's
playing with Kasi.
I've never seen her
play with my kids before.
Hey! Okay!
Mistletoe!
Brad! Mistletoe!
Mistletoe!
-We're so glad you're here.
-I'm having so much fun.
What did she take so long to
bring you? Is what I wanna know.
I came here for a marker...
...and I'm not leaving
without one!
Kasi!
That marker in your mouth,
I peed on it!
Hey!
You never told me
you went to a fat camp.
It was: "Get fit camp".
I can't believe my family
is showing you the pictures.
My favorites are
when you're a baby...
...'cause it looks almost
like you're a twin...
-...but you ate the other baby.
-Brad.
-That's why you're powerful.
-Stop.
You ate your twin sister,
took all of her powers.
-Cut it out.
-Baby, I love you.
It doesn't bother me if you
were a really large child...
...with lesbian tendencies,
if that was your journey...
-...then I'm cool with it.
-What lesbian tendencies?
-I saw the pictures of Joe.
-Joe wasn't gay.
Haircuts don't lie.
What did you do with Joe...
...Iike play baseball
and ride motorcycles?
We're just kids.
She was really imaginative.
We played in the basement.
She had this game: "Sun tan".
Pretended we're on the
beach, she'd take lotion...
...she never wanted me to burn,
so she'd rub it...
Okay, listen and look at me.
You are better.
I'm saying it's not fun when
the shoes are in the other foot.
You shouldn't
have been shitty to me...
...when you have so many
skeletons in your own closet.
Do not throw rocks when
you live in the house of Joe.
I see your point.
I love you.
I'll see you in a little bit.
Mom.
I need to talk
to you for a sec.
I don't have time. I don't
wanna be late for Pastor Phil.
But I just...
I want to talk now.
If it's important now, it'll be
important after church, right?
Yeah...
Clean yourself up a little,
this is a nice church.
And now...
...the Pastor Phil!
Hello. There's a new born King.
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!
Praise Him!
Hallelujah!
Praise Him!
Talk to Him, lady!
Glory to the new born King!
Hallelujah!
Please be seated.
I've been given a note.
The Walshes
performed the role...
...of Mary and Joseph
for the last three years...
...they've done a great job,
but some didn't agree.
So, we'll need a pair
of volunteers...
...to perform the roles
of Mary and Joseph.
You should do it.
What?
No, I won't get in front
of a bunch of strangers.
You're staged trained. You
played Pippin in High School.
No. I wasn't Pippin,
I was in Pippin.
I played a tree because I had
a bad stage fright, remember?
This seems like I'm putting you
on the spot and in fact I am.
Honey,
Pastor Phil needs you.
-I'm not gonna do it.
-A volunteer?
Or do I still need
a volunteer?
Kate will play
the Virgin Mary.
What?
Hallelujah!
The cure of the world!
I just said I wouldn't.
Hallelujah!
Kate, you stand up!
Stand up, please!
Look at the joy you've brought
to this congregation...
...by your volunteering
to be Mary.
Hello.
I still need a Joseph.
Brad, be Joseph.
Not staged trained.
I never played Pippin.
It's not the performance.
You have to get up.
-I don't wanna be alone.
-It's not gonna happen.
Brad, you stand up!
You're a part of this, Brad!
Listen, Brad. I need
to look out for me up there.
Because I'm starting
to get like really nervous.
-That stage fright thing.
-How do I look?
-What do you think?
-You look fine. I'm trying to...
My man's skirt, is it
short or is okay?
-Honestly.
-Little short.
Okay, here's Jesus.
They don't use a doll?
-Here are your scripts.
-Scripts?
-I'm not ready for scripts...
-Hi, Jesus.
No one said
there'll be lines...
-Hi, Jesus.
-Actually, his name's Bernard.
Okay.
Hi, Bernard.
Okay, I got lines. I gotta
try to get my voice ready.
Red leather. Yellow leather.
Red leather. Yellow leather.
This is a good baby.
Look at this baby.
Baby, baby Jesus
is really kind of cute.
This child is a blessing
to the both of us.
Really?
What, do you think
I should do it bigger?
Should I do: "This child's
a blessing for the both of us.
I'm not angry.
I'm inspired.
Oh, my God. There's so many
ways to play this thing.
Can I ask you
a question seriously?
My wife is pregnant,
but is not my child.
But I'm cool with it because
God got her pregnant?
Are we ready
to see the result...
...of that
immaculate conception?
Hallelujah!
Brad, I don't feel good.
You should
hold the baby.
Sweetheart, I gotta get ready.
Just remember:
acting is reacting.
And Joseph and Mary,
went from Galilee...
...and out of the city
of Nazareth.
Okay, find your truth.
I'll finish this bitch.
Brad.
I can't do this.
Check it out, baby.
They're getting my walk.
Because there was no room,
they stayed in the stable.
And Mary wrapped the baby
in swaddling clothes...
...and placed him
in a manger.
And Mary wrapped the baby
in swaddling clothes...
...and placed him in a manger.
Put it in it.
Brad, help me swaddle.
Gotta save my line.,
losing the audience.
It's death out there.
Come on, Mary!
This child is a blessing
for the both of us.
Amen!
That's right!
Your line.
I forgot my line.
-What?
-I forgot my line.
Thank goodness
I memorize yours too.
We shall name him Jesus.
Glory to God!
And peace on earth
to the highest point on earth!
This thing isn't big
enough to swaddle him.
Someone's got to give
a performance.
I'm nervous. I can't feel my
legs. Don't do this.
It'd appear
that my wife is better at...
...making babies than
swaddling them, no? Yes?
Brad, you're wearing the
swaddling cloth on your belt.
Woman, do your job
and swaddle this baby!
Brad, I can't. You're wearing
the swaddle around your belt!
Enough! This child's
life is now in jeopardy.
Unfit mother, give me this baby.
And l, Joseph,
shall swaddle this baby!
And l, Joseph,
will protect this child.
Forgive her, son...
...for she knows not
what she's done!
Yeah!
Hallelujah!
That's the message
of Christmas.
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!
Brad, that was...!
All is calm.
All is bright.
Round you
Virgin Mother and Child.
Holy infant
so tender and mild.
I know how Celine Dion
feels after one shows.
You give,
you're not getting a lot back.
-I got back to you.
-You feel like Celine Dion?
How do you calm down
of such a high?
It's difficult to do that.
I can't believe
you threw me down...
...in front of the
congregation.
You're thinking
about you.
I was thinking about
the entire show.
Frankly,
with you there...
...I brought
the thing home.
-My God.
-I did.
-ls this how it's gonna be?
-What?
-What are you saying?
-I'd like to know...
...you'll be
for me in a crisis.
If we're on a plane,
it's going down.
I passed out,
and say:
"Put on your
oxygen mask."
I'd like to know that you'd
put mine on, before yours.
I wouldn't. FAA wouldn't
want me to do it either.
-I'm not... FAA?
-lf you'd listen...
-What?
-Do you ever listen?
Or are you too busy moving
your BlackBerry?
-I listen to the stewardesses.
-When they say...
...that you're supposed to put
your mask on in an emergency...
...before you try to help
out a child.
-I've heard her.
-lf you pass out...
...you're not helping.
"Put the mask on this one."
Now I'm passed out.
I won't help anybody.
It's not the point.
What is the point? Sorry,
I got this wrong.
What's your point?
We're not connecting.
It's like you're not present.
I have been present.
I've been here all day.
We've been doing things
alongside.
I'd like for us to do
things together.
Kate, you're upset
with your family...
...and you're taking
it out on me.
They've been
my family for years.
This is not about my family,
it's about you and me.
I just...
I just want something.
-Merry Christmas.
-Mom!
-I've missed you!
-Good to see you, Mom!
It's been so long.
-And you must be Kate.
-Yes.
She's a darling.
-Thanks. Nice to meet you.
-It's wonderful.
-Should I call you...
-Just call me Paula.
-Just Paula.
-Okay.
I'm so glad you came.
You've been
taking good care of him.
Hasn't missed
many meals.
-That's great.
-He likes a snack.
-I do like the snack.
-Yes, he does.
Come on in and relax.
I've fixed all of your
favorite dishes, Bradford.
Denver and Susan
are watching TV.
Let's sit here
and catch up for a minute.
-Your house is beautiful.
-Thank you.
This is gorgeous.
Bradford lived
with me after the divorce.
Denver and Dallas were
comfortable with Howard.
But Bradford was
the more sensitive type.
-I was thinking...
-We're best friends.
Just inseparable.
God, he breastfed
until he was five.
Thought l'd
take him to college.
Okay, we had enough...
The only who was
on my tits more...
...was a professor
that I dated.
Could you not say "tits"?
-Hey, kids.
-Okay, this is Darryl.
Hi, nice to meet you.
It is so nice to meet you,
young lady.
And always great
to see you, big guy.
Hey, how was traffic
getting out here?
Can I get your gas money?
I'd like to get your gas money.
Actually, I don't need you
to get my gas money.
Thank you. I make
more than you do.
-So, no thank you.
-Bradford, be nice.
It's okay, sweetie.
Look...
...Brad...
...I'm not trying
to be your father.
You got one of those.
I'm just hoping for chance
to be your friend.
You're my friend, Darryl.
You're my best friend.
We grew up together,
we rode bikes.
Used to smell
each other's hands.
You're sleeping with my mom,
it's weird.
Can you appreciate that?
I never had a sexual thought
about her until I was 30.
Leave it alone.
You can't be my friend anymore.
You can't be sleeping
with my mom...
-...and still be my friend.
-Thirsty.
Kate, what can
I get you to drink?
-I'm good.
-Your mother...
-...is a very sexual being.
-She's a very what?
She's a great lover.
Say that again
and I'll bust your mouth open.
Hey, look it. This is Christmas
and we're not gonna go there.
Kate's been kind enough
to send us some games.
We're gonna play them
and we'll have fun. Okay?
Why are you staring
while eating?
That's uncomfortable.
Don't eat those brownies.
Those are Grandma's
special brownies.
Kate, could you be a lamb
and explain the rules?
Of course. So, you try to
get your team mate...
...to say the word
on the top...
...but can't say any of the
words listed.
And if you say any
of the words...
-...then you get buzzed.
-Okay.
That makes sense?
I'm so excited to have
all here to play this game.
It's gonna be fun.
Hey, it's good to have
my friend back.
So, who wants to go first?
-I'll go.
-Okay.
Brad, why don't you
buzz your mom...
-...and then I'll do the timer.
-Okay.
Thanks.
On your mark, get set, go!
Okay, this is a town in France.
What?
-Can't say "France".
-Don't buzz me.
It's the same
for everybody.
It's okay.
Do the next card.
Okay.
This me, I'm a...
Cradle robber.
-What did he say?
-Keep going.
Don't worry.
You're a therapist. Go.
-No, not Capricorn but...
-Libra.
Yes!
It's fun.
Okay.
This is what you dripped
on me.
Wax!
No, after that.
It's brown.
Make this stop, please.
Chocolate.
No, before that!
After the wax!
-The syrup!
-Yes!
Way sticky,
I wouldn't recommend that.
-Okay.
-Okay, time.
Time.
-Good job. Good job.
-We only got two.
Who wants to go next?
-We'll go.
-Okay, great.
I'll do the buzzer.
Are you gonna eat
while you play that?
-Flip the tube.
-Excuse me?
Flip the tube.
Okay. On your mark,
get set, go!
-Capital of China.
-Hong Kong.
Yes.
Thing next to your bed
on the night stand.
-A sock.
-Yes.
Helped you come up
with this, you're drunk...
...and came home from
the bar last Thursday.
-Alibi.
-Yes.
The thing I'm not
allowed to wear to Supercross.
-Mini skirt.
-Yes!
Me and you dry humping
on the beach.
-A screensaver.
-Yes, baby!
This game is so easy.
The only man I'm allowed
to cheat on you with.
-John Grisham.
-Yes!
-Mexican dude.
-Ricardo Montealban.
-Yes!
-Time.
-Right here. Right here!
-Come on!
Okay, this is like
an attack video.
There's other people
uncomfortable.
Stop. Oh, God.
You guys got a lot.
How many was that?
-Seven.
-Seven.
-Can you do the buzzer?
-Yeah!
We can do this, baby.
You ready?
Yeah.
Let's light a fire.
-Ready? Go!
-Okay.
The thing
I'm most scared of.
-Snakes.
-No, no.
-Thing I'm most scared of.
-Jump-jumps! 4 year-olds.
This scares me to my core.
Come up with something.
Use a lifeline.
Spiders.
I'm scared of spiders.
You don't have to say
the answer.
You can say "eight-legged
animal" or "superhero"...
-Can't say superhero!
-Mom, I'm not the one...
Try again.
In high-school,
my senior year spring break...
...I was in Cancun,
wearing this bikini top...
-Tourists. Skinny.
-No, no, no.
-Thin?
-No, at the bar.
-I was shaking around...
-Dancer.
-My stuff fell out.
-Your what fell out?
My stuff fell out.
Everybody said
when I went to the bar:
"Oh, here comes..."
Peek-a-boo.
Peek-a-boo.
Okay, honey, you can say,
like, "look" or...
-Can't say "look".
-I don't have the card.
I'm giving examples.
I have a thing here.
-See...
-Can't say "see"!
I'm explaining
the game.
Can't say "game"!
Mom, the answer's been said.
She said the answer.
-Let's do the next one.
-Okay.
-Let's... you know?
-I get it.
Okay, this is something
you would eat...
-...you put it on a barbecue.
-Chicken.
-My favorite.
-Beef.
Can't say "beef"!
I'm not saying the things!
-Get that? Just shush.
-Can't say "shush."
Okay, Mom,
I can say "shush."
-You can't say "shush."
-Kebab.
It's kebab.
It says I can't say "shish"!
Shish. Shish. Shish.
I'd say it,
I don't have it.
There's this thing
so that I can't see what it is.
Let's just move on.
Our time's up.
What's this attitude?
I don't have any.
I've shut down.
She buzzes me,
I'm trying to explain to you...
...how to play the game,
you don't get...
...the best ways to play
and I'm shutting down.
I wanna talk to you
about something.
I know what you want
to talk about.
You do?
I don't want you to apologize
because love...
...means never having to say
"I'm sorry." You know?
For the record,
I do forgive you.
When you're
playing board games...
...you shouldn't go so
conceptual, go more literal.
-How else will...?
-No, Brad.
I took a pregnancy test today.
You took what?
I took a pregnancy test today.
At my mom's.
It was in my sister's bag...
...I was in the bathroom,
I was late...
...and I thought I should
probably take a test.
-Honey, you pulled the goalie?
-What?
Can't pull the goalie
without checking.
I did not. That's not
what this conversation is about.
What?
What am I missing here?
Relax, Brad. It was negative.
I'm not pregnant.
Why don't you just hit
me with that from the start?
Instead of making me take laps
around the anxiety pool.
What is this reaction?
If there's one thing
we've learned...
...from being
around our families...
...it's of the dangers
of procreating.
That's not the things
we want in life.
Brad, I realized it today.
I thought
I'd always known...
...I didn't want to have kids.
Took this test...
...I'm waiting for
positive or negative...
...and I thought...
I felt...
...different. You know?
I felt hopeful.
Maybe it would happen...
...and we'd be forced
to get over our fears.
We've spent so much time...
...creating these boundaries
and making sure...
...we don't limit ourselves
with responsibility...
...and I don't wanna
live like that anymore.
That's not loving at all.
-ls that an eighties song?
-No, Brad.
-An eighties song?
-I'm tired of being one foot in.
I want us to be open,
love each other...
...however it's going to be.
If it means...
...we get married or
if we have kids...
...I feel like that's okay.
I wanna be in a relationship...
...that goes
where it needs to go.
Okay. I'd like the relationship
to go to Fiji.
Brad, this is very important.
I wanna have this conversation.
I don't want to.
I don't wanna have it.
I feel the same
when we first met.
I've been honest.
I don't want a conversation
about it...
...because I don't want
those things.
Okay.
You don't have
to come in.
I'm not going
to let you go in yourself.
I'll have my sister
drive me back.
We'll go
and I'll drive you home.
I'm not gonna go
and pretend...
...we're something we're not.
I can't do that anymore.
Listen to me, please.
Let's not overreact to this.
I'm not overreacting, Brad.
I get it.
I'm the one changing
the rules.
If you don't want to change
them with me, I understand.
I just can't do this anymore.
Honey?
Coming in?
Hey, Dad.
She made it!
Auntie Kate!
Auntie Kate!
Merry Christmas again!
Hi, Kasi.
Merry Christmas.
Come see the cool stuff
Grandpa Creighton got me!
Okay.
Hi, I'm Cheryl,
your dad's girlfriend.
-Nice to finally meet you.
-Excuse me.
-Hey, Kate!
-Hi, Mom.
I got a Dora the Explorer
backpack...
...a matching Dora thermos,
a big girl necklace...
...and princess shoes!
Hey, guys!
Hi, Auntie Kate.
Where's Brad?
Kasi, why don't you go
tell grandpa thanks...
...for all your new toys?
You'd better go or
I'm going to tickle.
Go!
This is amazing.
Dad and Mom
in the same room?
They hated each other.
They've been getting together
for stuff since Kasi turned one.
It must be really nice
for Kasi.
It's really nice for everyone.
-Where is Brad?
-He's not going to make it.
If it's all the same...
...I'd really just rather
not talk about it.
-I'm sorry. I didn't realize...
-It's okay.
It's not something I want
to get into right now.
We won't talk about him.
I have a great idea!
Internet dating.
Do it. It's great.
You just pay 20 bucks,
you put in your profile.
Susan, next door, did it.
She found her husband.
It's great.
He doesn't have a job,
they're on it.
You should do it!
-I'll think about that.
-Yes.
I'm gonna take a minute.
Okay. I got your back.
Gotcha.
Thanks.
Hi, kiddo.
Hey, Dad.
Did Brad leave to get
a jumpstart...
...on inoculating babies
in Burma?
What?
Maybe he's making
sock monkeys...
...for foster kids?
Or weaving ponchos
for pregnant women...
...in the Yucatan?
So, I guess you knew
we were lying?
Oh, boy.
Unfortunately, I've had
a lot of experience...
...bending the truth
to avoid my family.
And I'll tell you, honey.
I would give anything...
...to have that time
back again.
I would too.
It's taken me a lot of years...
...and several divorces
to learn that...
...nothing really beats
being honest.
Honest about who you are,
what you need...
...all the rest tends
to work itself out.
I was honest...
...and I think he was too.
It wasn't
what I wanted to hear.
Cheryl made the dressing...
...and I did some
of the cooking too.
I put the ice cubes
in the glasses...
...and salt
in the saltshakers.
All right, well.
Not long ago, I wouldn't
have been able...
...to put this group
of people together...
...in my wildest imagination.
The changes we've all
been through...
...the little hurts
we've given each other...
...we hope we're forgiven
for them.
We thank you, dear Lord...
...because there's nothing
more important than family.
-Amen.
-Amen.
Amen.
What the hell
do you want?
You forgot your tampons?
I didn't forget anything.
Just came by to see you.
What for?
You already destroyed
my TV and family room.
You want to bust up
my kitchen as well?
Look, I'm sorry
about that, Dad.
I didn't mean to do all that.
Where's tiny?
She didn't come?
Kate...
...she's not with me.
Finally smelled the pathetic
on you, did she?
No. In fact, she said
she wanted to get...
...more serious with me.
She said that...
...you know,
she loved me...
...wanted to see herself
having a family with me...
...having kids with me.
Congratulations. That's what
you wanted to hear?
-I said no, Dad.
-You what?
I told her I don't want
to get married.
Are you shitting me?
I'll be damned.
I'll be damned.
That's my boy.
I always knew you were
the smart one, Lando.
Your mind and spirit
are strong, like mine.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
It's always the one
you fight with the most...
...who is the most like you.
Why are we standing
out here for?
Let's go inside, have a drink.
Man to man.
Father to son.
-Right. Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas.
You're a big boy now.
Let's go in.
Take appraisal of the damage
you've done.
Would anyone like
anything else?
-No, no.
-This one's out.
Dad, can you check
on Jackson?
-Yeah. The blanket.
-He's got the pillow.
-This is hers?
-Yeah.
Hey.
Okay, listen.
If you get one, get two
because they're like dogs.
-What are you talking about?
-Kids.
If you leave one by itself,
you'll never leave.
You'll feel guilty
being there by itself.
With two,
they got someone to play with.
The other big thing
is school.
A private school?
Then you got sweater vests...
...and lacrosse coming at you.
But in a public school...
...there's an older student,
who's hyperactive...
...hopped up on medication,
and will try to shank the guy.
That's uncomfortable.
Are you having this conversation
'cause you're comfortable?
Or because
you wanna go to Fiji?
I wanna go to Fiji.
The tickets are paid for...
...and hotel rooms
aren't transferable.
But, honey,
I do feel comfortable now...
...having this conversation
because in my heart...
...I know I've found
the one person in life...
...that I want to have
these conversations with.
And that person's you.
-I love you so much.
-Come here.
This, like, doesn't mean
we're getting married...
-...or having kids right away.
-No.
But we should talk,
because these things happen.
Not that we're planning on it.
We're talking; that happens.
And if we do have them,
then, you know...
-...there's a lot of advantages.
-Yeah. They're wonderful.
They make you feel love.
Also, they're little
walking tax shelters.
You can write a lot
of stuff off.
Yeah, and the yard work.
You save money.
At a certain age, you can have
them on the lawnmower.
-When they're seven.
-Not slave labor.
-No, no.
-It's teaching discipline.
-Chores for money.
-We're not planning the future.
We would've ended up in a
home playing Bingo in Florida.
Now we can live
with them.
-They'll take us in.
-Exciting. I never thought it.
Feel comfortable
to talk to me...
...about anything you want
to talk about.
Unless there's, like,
a playoff game.
We can find
an appropriate time.
-I'm kidding. Kind of.
-Okay.
Just to be clear,
this doesn't mean...
...we're getting married
soon...
...or having kids right away.
But we're open...
...to let love grow
where it wants to grow.
-Exactly.
-We're open to letting it grow.
Doesn't mean kids.
-I can't believe we did it.
-We did.
I don't know what happened,
or the procedure...
...but here's this beautiful
thing here. You know?
I did feel
like an air traffic controller.
Between the huffs,
and the signals and stuff...
...it just kind of
all happened.
It's awesome, baby.
You're so awesome.
You were amazing.
You were like this.
-Thanks, babe.
-We have a baby!
-How's she doing?
-Good. Sleeping.
I just wanted to let you and
our new year's baby know...
...that you're welcome
to bring family members now.
-That won't happen.
-No, no family.
Your families don't know?
I think they'd be shocked
to hear Kate was pregnant.
Our families
can be a little much.
I like to think that we're
keeping it special for us...
...rather than not
including them.
Happy New Year, Bay Area!
We're here live
at Pacific General...
...where the first baby,
has just been born!
Let's go say hello
to those lucky parents!
Congratulations,
McVie family...
...on having the first baby
of the New Year!
Dad, how does it feel?
We're doing great.
There was... a vacuum.
And then there was...
...stretching and juices.
What he's trying to say is
we're just beyond words excited.
Oh, goodness.
I got some in my mouth!
I can't be around it!
I'm gonna do it too!