Four Lions (2010) Movie Script
Yeah?
No, sit properly
like youre gonna mean it,
like you mean it.
No, Waj, dont muck about.
Cos the batterys gonna go. Sit...
Whos mucking about, Barry?
Im not mucking about.
Well, you cant sit like that.
Whats wrong
with how hes sitting, Barry?
Come and have a look. Its wrong.
Theres nothing wrong with it.
- Not you!
- Show me.
No!
Right, what are you looking at?
Theres nothing there.
No, theres nothing there.
Go and sit down.
- You cant see yourself, you mug!
- I thought you were recording it.
Right, sit, sit.
- Faisal, go away.
- Im ready, Im ready.
- All right.
- Waj, just relax your face.
Focus on what youre going to say.
Get on with it.
- Go, before the battery goes.
- One, two...
Three... action!
Ey up,
you unbelieving kuffar bastards.
- Im gonna turn you baked beans...
- No, no, no.
- What?
- Whats with the gun?
- Proper replica, man.
- What for? Action Man?
Replica AK-47.
- Its too small, man.
- Not too small, brother.
- My hands.
- Waj...
Big hands.
He cant do it with that gun.
Shut up, Barry.
Try it without, our kid, and lets go.
Its too small, believe me.
Ill hold it near the camera.
Thatll bigger it.
- Thatll what?
- Thatll bigger it.
- Yeah.
- Go now.
Ey up, you unbelieving kuffar bastards.
No, no, no!
This is absolutely stupid.
These are the outtakes.
You know, the bloopers.
- He looks good.
- Today is a wake-up call.
Today is an opportunity
for you to look in the mirror
at western imperialist culture.
Superficial materialism
ends at the capitalist church
of McDonald's.
Flipping idiots.
It's as though you just had a Big Mac,
completely oblivious to the amount...
Complete flipping idiots.
You could've gone Chicken Cottage,
proper halal,
bargain bucket 6.99.
- What are you talking about?
- I'm taking about Chicken Cottage.
- Theres one where he doesnt say that.
- Your bits good, Dad.
Take the box off.
I cant show my face
cos it's an image.
And images aren't allowed.
You know what? Theyre all bloopers.
Take the box off.
What am I going to do
if he does that at the camp?
Is Uncle Faisal ready to go to Pakistan?
You can't do your jihadi video
with a box on your head.
No way.
Ran 23K on the weekend.
Had a light lunch:
Snack -a-Jacks and a medium apple.
cos obviously it was after lunch, so...
Same again Sunday.
Although in the afternoon
I only did 4K cos I d had a roast.
Would've gone further, you know,
but I started to run a bit lopsided.
Im not slagging my right leg off,
but my left leg is definitely stronger.
I think lefty just wants it more, you know.
Right legs bone idle.
Hell just wait there,
let lefty pick up the slack.
Before you know it,
youre running in curves.
Im going to have
to put my foot down, you know.
Really show him whos boss. Yeah.
Know what I mean?
You do know you can talk to your legs,
dont you?
- I need tomorrow off.
- What?
I need tomorrow off,
and the two weeks after that.
Jesus, I thought you were serious
about this job, Omar.
Ive got to go to a wedding in Pakistan.
Youve got to ask yourself
where youll be in five years time.
- Its an emergency.
- What, an emergency wedding?
Like a shotgun wedding?
Like a shotgun wedding, yeah.
Right.
Well, Ill have a look at the rota.
The Feds can track your phone
even if the batterys out.
- Really?
- Really. They can see you underground.
Can they see you if youre not there?
Wheres there?
I dont know.
They can see you everywhere, Waj.
Are they looking at us
through cameras?
- Space cameras, yes.
- But...
My dad says Im not supposed
to be on camera. Its haram.
With the greatest of respect, Faisal,
your dad eats newspaper.
- Not any more. He eats moths.
- Exactly, bro.
Look, the way to stop the Feds
tracking you is very simple.
You eat your SIM card.
Get your SIM cards out.
You remove the SIM card and...
Yes?
- Can I cook mine?
- No. You must eat it raw, like this.
Good boys.
Salaam, lads.
Walaykum asalaam.
- Right.
- Were eating our SIM cards.
Anti-surveillance.
You know they still work
inside you, Barry.
- Eh?
- They can still track them inside you.
Thats not going to be
very helpful in Pakistan.
- What?
- In Pakistan.
Answered the call, bro.
- What call?
- Training camp.
Were upgrading.
Were going.
Why did you get the call?
Why didnt I get the call?
You dont have an uncle in Pakistan
last time I checked.
You got an uncle in Folkstone.
Are there any training camps in Folkstone?
Why do we need a training camp, anyway?
Were primed.
We dont need some tramp up a mountain,
telling us to set a fuse.
We dont need some Paki Steptoe
telling us when to go.
Youre right, Barry.
We can go whenever we want.
Exactly. Whenever we want, bro.
Yeah, if you want to be some kind of
sad loner trenchcoat mafia twazzock.
What do you mean?
What I mean is, you can either be
a stupid nutter Muslim
who blows a bag full of nails
into his own guts at a toilet at TGI s,
or you can be a proper soldier
in the Mujahideen.
- Im already in the Mujahideen.
- No, youre not, bro.
No, not until you join the army
and hold the sword
and touch the sky -
proper chain of command,
right to the very top.
- All right, Im coming.
- Oh, you want Paki Steptoe now?
Listen, I am the most Al Qaeda one here.
Think of the group.
Think of what were trying to do.
Its best you stay here, bro.
Youre a liability
and youre a loose cannon.
Bollocks, Im a liability.
I am the invisible Jihadi.
They seek him here,
they seek him there.
But hes not there,
hes blowing up your slag sister.
- Invisible?
- Yeah.
Like the time you got on the local news
for baking a Twin Towers cake
and leaving it at the synagogue on 9/11?
That is part of the plan.
Hide in plain sight, you mug.
And I am coming!
You realise, if I dont come
with you to Pakistan, bro,
Islam is finished.
Listen, bro, we need you over here
to keep a lid on things.
So what if Im not here?
Cos Ive bought a ticket at the airport
to come with you anyways.
You want to come, Fess?
Yeah, its just... my dad s
seeing creatures thats not there.
- So hell keep it ticking over here, bro.
- Barry, listen.
- If you answer this question, you can come.
- All right.
Dont fuck with me, man!
Dont fuck with Azzam al Britani!
Barry, what are you doing?
Barry, this is crazy.
- Barry, what are you doing?
- Right, if Im not going, no one is.
Spit it out.
Its gone down his neck.
Right, frog him.
- Frog him in the back.
- Omar, we agreed, no frogging.
That was before you swallowed the key.
Every time Ive had to frog you.
- Listen, we...
- Come on. Come on.
We said no frogging!
What if you get caught?
Im not going down.
Just cos you cant take
a drill in the kneecap.
Theyll crack you like babies fingers.
Theyll pump you full of Viagra,
make you fuck a dog.
Good prattle, Barry.
Youll end up on YouTube,
blowing Lassie in a ditch.
Are they gonna make me fuck
a dog out there, brother Omar?
My uncles connected out there.
Only time were going to see cops
is for weapons upgrade.
All right, Omar,
Im letting you go to Pakistan.
My unit stays here.
- But my units the main unit.
- Barry, shut up, mate.
Because I tell you, your little brain cell
might go off now and again,
but if your hands even go to move
and you try setting up
the Islamic state of Tinsley again,
going to university lectures,
opening your big mouth,
buying some more silver nitrate
from Amazon,
Im gonna rip your plugs out.
Not if youre not here, you won t.
Aargh!
No, Uncle.
Its my prayer bear.
He does my prayers.
In the name of Allah...
Which way are we going?
All right. OK.
What the fucks he done
to his rabbits, bro?
Theyre not rabbits, bro.
Theyre chickens.
Theyre fucking rabbits.
Bro, if theyre rabbits,
where are their ears?
Thats what Im saying.
What?
Whats he saying?
Im asking, would he kill you?
Pack up.
If you make me trouble...
Alaykum salaam.
- Would you kill me, then?
- No, course not.
Come on.
I d kill you, bro.
Would you?
- Yeah.
- Right, good.
Cos I would kill you, bro.
Bro, seriously, I d kill you.
Course I would.
Aye, I would. I d kill you like that.
- Flipping heck, man. Would you?
- Yeah, course.
I sort of thought
I were joking a bit there, bro.
Were soldiers, bro.
Whatevers asked, you do it.
You do the right thing.
Right?
- Are you with me?
- Yeah.
Its life, isnt it? Its just life.
What is that? Its nothing.
Its like being stuck
in the queue at Alton Towers.
Do you want to be in the queues
or do you want to be on the rides?
You want to be on the rides, dont you?
You want to be on Nemesis, Oblivion.
Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
- Yeah. You with me?
- Yeah.
- Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
- Yeah, Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
Right?
- OK, I would kill you, brother Omar.
- Would you?
- Yeah, I would.
- What would you do?
- I d smash your head off with a thing.
- Yeah. Know what I d do?
I d grab one of these hooks, Waj.
I d dig it in your belly, rip your guts out.
Spill it all out on the floor,
like Mortal Combat.
I d fucking... I d take this, right?
- Yeah?
- And I d fucking run you over with a tractor.
- Yeah?
- Yeah. Soldiers.
Soldiers, brother. Mujahid.
Mujahid.
Good lad.
Come on. You want some?
Yeah, you do want some, rabbit.
You fucked-up rabbit with no ears.
- Ill fucking... Ill have you.
- Theyre chickens, man.
- I d roast you.
- Waj, theyre chickens.
Im coming. Coming.
Im coming.
Come on, Waj.
Fuck off, bro. East is that way.
That way is East, bro.
That way is East.
- Weve flown over Mecca now.
- Pakis gone mental, bro.
Mecca is in the East, yeah.
Where the sun... where it rises,
you behn choad paki prong!
Turn around. Ill explain to you later.
Fuck! Waj, come on. Come on!
Go, go, go. Come on.
- Come on, Waj.
- OK, OK.
Hey, brother Emir, Ill take it out.
Too high, too high.
Yeah, thats what I was thinking actually.
What is that, 2,000 feet?
- What?
- Nothing.
Ive never stood up in public and
professed any in-depth knowledge of Islam,
but what I do know is that most British
Muslims dont want to be out abroad,
fighting British foreign policy.
What they want to do is get on
peacefully with their daily lives.
- And we support that.
- Yeah, yeah.
A good Muslim
always keeps his mouth shut.
Yeah? Yeah? Are you all surprised
kids are going off to training camps?
- That is not what I am saying.
- Why are kids going to training camps?
First off, I object
to the term 'training camps '.
- You just used it.
- No, I did not.
Its a western fantasy.
You people think of Muslims
running around the mountains
with guns and bombs.
That d suit you
down to the ground, wouldnt it?
- But they do exist, dont they?
- Im not saying they dont exist.
What Im saying, if youll listen,
is that if they didnt exist,
you people would have to invent them.
- Thats absolute rubbish.
- Yeah, man.
- This whole debate is twisted, man.
- Well take questions later, please.
You think were all bombers, dont you?
- That is absolutely...
- No, no, no.
When you look at someone like me,
you think 'bomber ', right?
- Yeah, you do.
- That is not the case.
Why shouldnt I be a bomber
if you treat me like one?
- Mashallah, brother.
- Yeah, Mashallah.
Yeah.
I'm the Mujahideen
and I'm making a scene
Now you's gonna feel
what the boom-boom means
It's like Tupac said,
"When I die, I'm not dead"
We are the martyrs,
you 're just smashed tomatoes
Allahu Akbar!
Mashallah, brother.
Oh, what, man? Come on.
What? Just cos Im Muslim,
you thought it was real?
Oh, here they come!
Here come your stooges, Mr. Storge.
Police state! Police state!
Police state! Police state!
Remember my name, brothers and sisters.
Im going to Cuba!
Hes being rendered!
Hes being rendered!
Hey, bro, bro. Down here.
Need a lift?
Yeah, man. Wait. Yeah.
Oh, man!
Yo!
Youre a lege. Youre a lege, bro!
Not so bad yourself, brother.
Whats your name?
Hassan Malik. 'The Mal '.
- The Mal?
- Yeah.
Nice little stunt back there.
And you know what?
Youre a total piece of shit, mate.
Youre worse than the specially trained
rapists they use in Guantnamo.
- You what?
- Yeah, youre not ignorant like them!
You know you should be doing something.
- I am doing something.
- What, that?
I'm the Mujahideen and...
thingy, thingy, rap, rap
Eh?
It was jihad of the mind,
the gesture that messed yer.
Was the prophet, Sal Allaahu
Alayhi wa Sallam, about gestures?
Hm? Did he smash the pagan statues
or did he just stand there,
making a gesture?
Is this a gesture?
- That was for real, brother.
- Yeah...
Is you as for real as that?
- Yeah.
- How often do you go to mosque?
When I can. Most weeks. Friday prayers.
Once a year is too often.
The mosques have lost it, brother.
Theyre full of losers and spies.
These are real bad times, bro.
Islam is cracking up.
We got women talking back.
We got people playing stringed instruments.
Its the end of days.
Do you want to be for real?
Well, yeah, of course.
Are you sure?
Yeah, come here.
Fuck you, Omar!
Big enough for you now, Barry?
Am I blowing a dog in a ditch
or am I Paki Rambo?
Im getting my pictures, Mujahid-style.
- James Fuck Bond?
- No, no.
What the fuck are you doing, Waj?
Stay here and clean the guns.
No, no, listen. We need an Al Qaeda emir.
It was my fault, bro, OK?
Let Omar go.
You fucking Mr. Beans.
- But we havent got an emir yet.
- Its good.
- Just getting my pictures, bro.
- Waj, go away right now.
Come on.
- Where is it?
- Down here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Liquid peroxide.
Three years of stockpiling.
- Where did you get it all?
- A wholesale shop down the road.
- All from the same shop?
- Yeah.
- You mug, youll get us nicked!
- No.
I use different voices every time I go in.
Different what? Different voices.
Show me.
- What?
- Show me the voices. Come on.
- One of them s... Its my voice.
- Right.
Can I have 12 bottles of bleach, please?
I know what that sounds like.
Give me another one.
IRA voice.
IRA voice?
Theyre terrorists, Faisal.
Why do you want to do a terrorist voice?
Youll get us nicked!
- Ill be disguised then, wont I?
- Yeah, but as a terrorist.
Lets hear the voice.
Can I have...
And then Ive got one like this as well.
Can I have 12 bottles of bleach, please?
Whats that?
Its a womans voice
because I got loads of liquid peroxide.
Probably thought that she d go and...
And what?
...dye her hair or something.
- And her beard?
- You got a beard.
- I covered it.
You covered your beard. How?
Right, so you went into a shop,
with your hands on your face like that
and asked for 12 bottles of bleach?
So, why has she got her hands
on her face, Fess?
Cos shes got a beard.
Im sorry, brother Omar.
Maybe it were Gods will.
Maybe it were Gods will
I would do my video so...
- So maybe its not my fault.
- No, it is your fault.
It were Gods will that you were acting
like a complete prat, apparently.
It was defo your fault.
So, if that were Gods will,
then am I Gods fault?
Maybe Im Gods mistake.
- Does that mean Im going to hell, brother?
- Sh, sh, sh.
- Do mistakes go to hell?
- Shh, Waj.
What?
- Thats a drone.
- Hide!
- Its flying low. Its going to attack.
- Lets go!
Where are we gonna go, Waj?
Weve got to take it out.
Take it out with what?
We aint got no bullets.
- This is my mistake, bro.
- No, no, no. Waj, listen.
Think about it. This is Gods plan.
Hes put us here to defend the camp.
This is our jihad.
- Think about it.
- This is my mistake, brother.
Thats the devil thats in your brain
giving it the wasa-wasa.
Dont listen to him.
Gods in your heart, bro.
Right? What does your heart say?
Trust me. Come on.
It says maybe we should...
Huh?
Maybe we should flipping pop it, brother,
get back on jihad.
Good, Waj.
Right, OK.
What are we going to use?
- Fucking yes, bro.
- Shh, shh. Right, come on.
- Proper Mujahid, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Rubber Dinghy Rapids, brother?
- Mind out the way now.
- All right, OK.
- Come on.
- Flipping pop it, brother.
- OK.
Brother Omar!
The Arabs!
The emir!
Flipping shit.
Is this Gods will, bro?
Tell me it is, bro. Tell me its Gods will.
Fucking hell, bro.
Weve got to go, Waj.
Weve got to get out of here.
I cant hear nothing!
I cant hear nothing!
Morning, officer.
Youve been rumbled.
My plan is, right, to put a bomb on a crow
and fly it into one of them towers
full of Jews and slags.
I keep crows in here. Have a look.
Were way beyond crows now, Faisal.
We are really going to blow the lid off.
Yeah, Im all about blowing the lid off, man.
- Blow my lid off.
- Bomb the mosque!
What?
- The Masjid?
- Yeah, the masjid, the mosque.
But we go in dressed like kuffars.
They think its the unbelievers attacking
so all the Muslims rise up and fight back.
Stoke things up proper big time,
fast-track the final days - total war!
- That is sick, man.
- What does Omar say?
Who is this Omar?
Dont sweat that.
Hes one of my boys.
Ive sent him off to training camp
to bring him up to scratch.
But my dad goes to the masjid.
What if hes in masjid?
Has your dad ever bought
a Jaffa orange?
Once or twice.
Right, hes buying nukes for Israel, bro.
Hes a Jew.
- Barry!
- Where?
- Where is he?
- What are we going to say, again?
Waj, were going to say were being
sent for special training in Somalia.
- Somalia?
- Yeah, OK.
- You all right, Barry?
- Yeah. What happened?
Nothing happened.
Were being sent to...
Bollocks!
You fucked up, you fucking losers!
I told you, you should have taken me.
- Were going to Somibia, Barry.
- Somalia.
- Special training.
- 'Special training. '
- Bollocks! Something happened.
- Nothing happened, Barry.
Look at the state of you.
No luggage, back early.
Yeah, something happened.
- Yeah, something did happen.
- Yeah, you fucked up.
No, we got an emir
and he told us that were on.
What?
Weve got an emir
and he says that were on.
- Are you on as well, bro?
- Yeah, for real.
- Good.
- Alhamdulillah.
What about the Arabs, bro?
What about the Arabs?
They werent Arabs,
they were bad tribesmen.
- What?
- Bad tribesmen.
- So it were good, what we did?
- Yeah.
What the fuck is Special Branch doing here?
Oh, no, no, no.
Thats Hassan. Hes in.
- Since when, Barry?
- Hes one of us.
- Is he fuck?
- How was it? Was it amazing?
What, my dads funeral?
How could that be amazing?
Youre joking!
He was pecked to death by chickens.
Why would I joke about that?
Ignore him, bro. This is Omar,
this is Waj and this is Hassan Malik.
Yeah, man, Im the Mal.
Frog him.
No, dont sweat it, bro.
Hes been tested.
- Really?
- Yeah, he tested me, man.
How did he do that, then?
- He made me do that bean thing, man.
- What bean thing?
You know, when you put a bean
up the end of your knob, man.
Were on the parking. Lets go.
- Barry?
- Were on the parking.
- Whats he saying about a bean, Barry?
- You mean, I didnt have to?
Bro, hes landed you right in it.
Ive got no need for a beanfucker
or a TV Paki or a coconut spook.
Now, frog him!
Omar, hes loaded. His dads loaded.
- What, from Ml5 payroll?
- No, hes got a clothes factory.
- Great. Merry Christmas. Frog him.
- I can get you a van.
- I can nick a van.
- So you d steal from your own dad?
Well, yeah, yeah.
Right, well, youre still walking.
Listen, behn choad, next time I see you,
you d better have a fucking van,
or Im gonna floss your balls
with razor wire.
You played that wrong, mate.
- Youre on one, Omar.
- Drive!
- Did you fix this, Barry?
- Yeah, I fixed it.
- Did you do it yourself or something?
- Yes, I did it myself.
So is he in or what, Omar?
What choice have I got, Barry?
Hes either in or Ive got to kill him.
Good. I knew you d like him.
Simba and Pumbaa were out on their own.
And Scar was looking for them and
if he found them, he d kill them, but...
- Dad?
- Yeah?
Did you blow up any kuffars?
What?
At the wedding?
Do you want to hear
what happened to Simba or not?
- Yeah!
- Right, so...
Simba and Pumbaa
were out on their own,
when all of a sudden they saw this...
...this big evil bird, this big bird,
that Scar had sent out to look for them.
This big, evil vulture, coming right at them.
'There it is, ' said Simba.
He spotted it,
this big evil vulture,
coming straight for them,
coming right at them.
Then what, Dad?
Well, Simba had to bring it down,
otherwise it d kill them.
So, what he did was,
he grabbed a stone
and he chucked it at the bird,
only he chucked it so hard,
it was such a strong powerful throw,
that his arm went all the way round.
Behind. He threw it so hard,
it went a mile behind him.
And it hit Mufasa.
Wise, strong Mufasa, Simbas dad.
It hit him accidentally on the head
and killed him.
But didnt Scar kill Mufasa?
Yeah, in the film.
This is real life, Im talking about.
So Simba had a choice.
He could either tell his friends
what had happened and create confusion,
or keep it a secret and lead all his friends
in a big fight against Scar.
What do you think he did?
He had to tell the truth.
But hes got to fight Scar, hasnt he?
Telling the truth means giving up.
Would Simba give up?
- Simba would never give up.
- Exactly.
Exactly. So...
Simba kept it all a secret.
And he led Pumbaa and Timon
and all his friends,
he led them all in a fight against Scar.
And he vanquished Scar,
and Simba became the new Lion King.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Bedtime for you,
soldier.
All right, lads, this is it.
This is it, boys.
Ive spoken to the emir.
I have, and...
How did you do that?
Email drop box and the children s
instant messaging site, Party Puffin.
Ive been on that.
- Good, Waj.
- Proper good.
Do we have to be puffins as well?
Yeah, Ill give you all usernames
and passwords after this meeting.
Im not sure I want to be a puffin.
You dont have to be
if you dont want to, Barry.
- Bagsy a blue one, yeah?
- Good, Waj.
Now, Ive spoken to him.
My puffin has communicated with his puffin.
And hes told us to make some bombs.
So were going to take Faisals gear
to the secret flat.
We can hide it under the costumes
in Hassans van.
Well put the bleach on the boil.
We have instructions to bring havoc
to this bullshit, consumerist,
godless, Paki-bashing,
Gordon Ramsay 'Taste the Difference '
speciality cheddar,
torture-endorsing,
massacre-sponsoring,
'Look -at-me-dancing-pissed
with-my-nob-out ', Sky1 Uncovered,
'Who-gives-a-fuck
about-dead-Afghanis? ' Disneyland.
- Mashallah!
- Mashallah, brother Omar.
- Mashallah.
- Fuck mini Babybels.
Puffin says, 'Find a target. '
Well, we got a target, bro.
Were all agreed.
What is it?
- Its the mosque.
- What?
Bomb the mosque,
radicalise the moderates,
bring it all on.
OK, right. No, I like that.
I do like that, thats brilliant.
Lets take out a bunch of Muslims
because theyre the real enemy.
Once weve done that,
why dont we truck -bomb a kebab shop
and fly a jumbo jet
into Wajs mums head?
Why dont we get a pig
and staple -gun it to our foreheads?
But if we bomb the mosque,
it will make all the Muslims rise up.
My cousin, Faz, died,
defending a mosque in Bosnia.
Did he flipping rise up, bro?
Lets bomb Boots.
They sell condoms
that make you want to bang white girls.
- I second that. Boots.
- Right.
- They nabbed me nicking Lynx display.
- Think bigger than a chemist s.
Im not blowing my guts out over
a bunch of tampons and cotton buds.
What were going to do
has got to last in history,
echo through the ages.
- Like bomb a mosque.
- Barry, were not bombing a mosque.
You dont get it, do you, Omar?
We radicalise the moderates!
The ummah rises up, it all kicks off!
I do get it. Ill tell you what its like.
Its like youre in a fight with someone,
and theyre punching you
in the face, right?
And so what you go and do is,
you punch yourself in the face.
So what if hes not?
Im having a fight
with this fictionary man,
and hes not punching me hard enough
to make me go mental and win.
Lets do an experiment, Barry.
Well have a fight right now.
When you start losing
and youre not doing very well,
you punch yourself in the face,
go mental and start winning.
- Show them all how it works.
- Im not gonna punch myself.
Why not? Youre the Muslims.
Youre getting attacked.
Go fucking mental, Barry.
Show 'em how it works.
- Come on.
- Im not a mosque!
This is not how it works!
Punch yourself, Baz.
Bomb the mosque, Barry!
Bomb it!
Bomb the mosque!
Bomb the mosque, Barry!
Hes bombed the mosque!
Hes just bombed the mosque!
Barry, where are the moderates?
The moderates should be coming now.
Right, if I was a mosque,
which I am not,
then there would be all moderates
behind my nose,
bursting to come out and rise up.
Would there?
Ooh, they are, bro, eh?
Barry, the Sufi Muslim Council s
coming out your nose.
Oh, youve just wiped them out.
Youve just wiped them out.
Do you think we should still
bomb the mosque, Barry?
- Come back.
- Barry, I got you a J-cloth for the...
- Oooh!
- Barry!
For fucks sake, Barry!
Oi! Oi!
Turn that off.
Theres common areas out there.
We got to play it, Barry.
This is our cover, man. Were a band.
- Were a what?
- Were a band.
Bollocks! Turn it off.
Bro, turn it off.
Whats with the chicken?
Its beard protection from the bleach.
Yeah, hes the drummer, man.
- Chicken drummer.
- Yeah, Barry.
You broke the chickens beak, didnt you?
Remember?
Yeah, Barry, you broke his beak.
Yeah, well, Im sorry,
but beaks get broken in war, dont they?
- Do they?
- Yeah, they do.
Were not about protecting beaks,
were about blowing them off.
Yeah?
Well, go and unload the van.
Im not doing all the work.
Waj! Waj!
Anti-surveillance.
Not you, mate, youre still here.
Get in there.
- What are you doing?
- Just in case theyre taking pictures.
- What?
- Barry says you come out blurry.
Right, stop it!
Stop it!
CCTVs a video.
Youre just gonna look
like a bunch of Sufis on speed.
Next time Barry tells you
to do something, dont.
- You all right, Alice? Hows it going.
- All right, Wasim? Yeah.
- Are you good?
- Yeah.
- All right, Jason?
- All right.
Whos this one?
This is... Claude.
Claude, this is Alice.
Shes got the flat next door.
- Hello, Claude.
- Hi.
- Whats this?
- Claudes the new member of our band.
- Band?
- Hes the new member.
- I used to be in a band.
- Did you?
Yeah.
Until all the birds fell off the roof...
I dont know if you remember.
All right, then, Alice,
well see you later. Come on, lads.
Come through.
- Which one are you?
- Er, Claude.
- Claude?
- Yeah.
Are you French?
Yeah.
See you.
Right, Mister Newsman
in the newsroom, after three.
Three, two, one...
Yes, it was us.
We have struck you
where you least expected it.
We have bombed the mosque.
Only in the days of the final jihad...
What are you doing here?
Well, you told us to come round.
Weve just come through the back.
Anti-surveillance, like you said.
Right, well, Im doing my tape.
But were not bombing the mosque.
- What?
- Were not bombing the mosque.
Look, Im just doing this tape in case
the plans change to bomb the mosque.
If they did change, isnt the whole
point of it to blame it on the kuffar
and not take responsibility for it?
What do you know about it?
It was my idea in the first place, not yours!
Now, fuck off!
Im doing my tape. Go on.
All right, Barry?
- What, youre here as well?
- Yeah. Why? Whats going on?
He said he was going to bomb
the mosque.
- Did you say that, Barry?
- No.
- Yeah, you did.
- No, I didn't.
- What did you say, then?
- I said I was gonna bomb something else.
What did you say you were gonna bomb?
Hm?
Fuck off!
Fuck off out of my house!
Oh, Barry, you moron.
- Salaam, Ahmed.
- Alaykum salaam.
- Omar, its your brother. Come in.
- No, Im OK.
Just come in and sit down.
- Salaam Alaykum.
- Alaykum salaam.
Just come in and sit down.
Im not in the same room.
You can come in.
You are.
Im not.
The wall has been taken out, so you are.
Have you come to drop some fatwas,
cos weve just had the carpet cleaned?
Not in this house, bro.
- Freeze or Ill blow your guts out.
- All right, go easy.
OK. Right, come on!
Youve got 30 seconds!
- What are you teaching him, Omar?
- Its a water pistol. Have you lost it?
Have you got 150 quotes from scholars
saying we cant squirt a water pistol?
There is no justification
for what you are planning.
- What am I planning, bro?
- You tell me.
- Want to know what I am planning?
- Yeah.
Sure you can handle it, bro?
Yeah? You ready?
Its not a proper plan yet, yeah?
But Im thinking, inshallah,
Im going to go upstairs
and run a hot bath, right?
Then come back down
and make beans on toast. Im proper hungry.
- Very funny.
- What?
Is it, bro? Have you got opinions
to back that up?
I have got 18 opinions, all very good ones.
You know what? Its not Top Trumps.
Muslims are getting pasted and you go,
'Ive got 60,000 opinions
saying we cant fight back.
'We must measure our beard with a ruler
and lock our wives in cupboard! '
Thats not a joke, is it, bro?
It is not a cupboard, it is a small room.
Oh, come on. It was a flipping toilet
till you took the china out.
I dont argue with women.
No, you dont.
You lock em in a cupboard.
Omar, your wife is out of control.
I dont know how to control her.
Help me out.
Am I... Am I out of control? Ooh.
Do it again. He wont fight back.
- What am I like? Im out of control.
- Obey me, wife. Obey me.
Go and do it.
Fight back, brother!
Whats all the violence, brother?
- Are you fighting back?
- This is not fighting.
- By the law of Sharia, I am not fighting.
- Youre a proper Mujahid!
By the law...
- I am not fighting.
- Youre so violent, bro!
Hey, Omar.
- Youre terrible, you are.
- Im out of control.
Arent you, eh?
- Thats twice as much, bro.
- This ones gonna leave a mark.
Just drop it.
Ooh!
Shit, man!
- Come on, bro. Give me that.
- Jew.
Gay.
Fed.
Sodomite.
Gynaecologist.
Innocent bloke. Doesnt exist.
Leonard Cohen.
Here, you give me that.
You do some work.
This ones gonna be
like a grenade, man.
- Oh, bro.
- Here, watch this.
Watch this, bro!
Come on, lads. Why dont we just
pick up the phone and call the cops?
Right? Come on.
- Sorry, man.
- Sorry, bro.
We dont have to use that
on ourselves, do we, Barry?
- Course we do, bro.
- But its our choice, right?
- Fess? Fess?
- What?
It is your choice.
Right? It can only be your choice.
Right, yeah.
- Fess. Fess.
- What?
It is your choice, right,
but youve chosen
to blow yourself up, havent you?
Havent you?
Mashallah, brother Crow.
Mashallah.
Youre doing this, right,
to save brother Faisal.
And I know its come
as a bit of a shock to you,
but everything will be all right.
Yeah? OK.
You see that over there?
That...
Thats a sex shop. Right?
A US embassy,
or some other such slag utility.
Right, now wait there.
When I say, you fly to the target.
When I dial this,
you go to heaven, brother Crow.
Inshallah.
Yeah.
Whats that?
Whats that, Mrs. Thistle?
No, I dont want to resit
my media studies.
Stupid Mrs. Thistle,
I dont want to retake it.
You know why?
Cos Ive found a new purpose in life.
And here it is. Eat that shit!
Eat that. Eat that. You fuck...
Come on, lads. Lets go.
Salaam alaykum.
- Alaykum salaam.
- You all right? Where are they?
Theyve all gone, man.
Theyre using the fireworks for cover.
Yeah, I know that. That was my idea.
Why didnt they wait for me?
- Barry said that you said, 'Go ahead. '
- Did he?
- Im just on night shift.
- Yeah, you are, bro.
If anybody comes knocking for Barry,
tell them you used to know him...
Can I come?
Dont drop it, you prick!
Brother Faisal, if you drop this,
were baked beans from here to Derby.
- Slowly, slowly.
- Oh!
- Its good.
- All right.
- Good, good.
- Lets get out of here.
- OK.
- Come on. Im gonna blow it.
- Ready?
- All right.
Is it gonna be loud?
Did you see that?
Fucking good, Barry. Fucking good.
That were proper good!
- Well done, Barry.
- Whats up?
Did you miss it, bro?
Did you miss it, bro?
I told you before, Barry, didnt I?
What were you lads playing at?
- Why didnt you call me, Waj? Eh?
- I didnt have no credit.
This breaks anti-surveillance protocol.
We shouldnt be back here till tomorrow.
The protocol is that you were supposed
to stay here and guard the flat, Barry,
cos theres a good chance
that you are being monitored.
Is that an Islamic argument, brother?
I only listen to Islamic arguments.
That was my microwave, Barry.
I had it ten years, that Matsui.
I shouldve been there.
Your microwave
has been well sacrificed.
Dont screw with my jihad.
Im telling you for the last time.
- Your jihad? You said 'my jihad '.
- Our jihad. Dont screw with it.
- Our jihad.
- What did he say, Fess?
- Did he say 'my jihad '?
- What difference does it make?
- You said 'my jihad '.
- So what? This is such a small thing.
Hey!
Come and have a look at this.
# Dancing in the moonlight
# Everybodys feeling warm and bright...
Hass!
Claude!
Shit!
Right, its time to go now, Alice.
Why? Whats going on?
Nothing. We just need you to go.
Oh.
Oh, I get it.
I know whats going on here.
I know what you lot are.
You lot...
are a bunch of Paki-bashers.
- What?
- Mountie boys. Gays.
- Yes, we are so gay.
- Im not.
Yes, you are. We all are.
But mainly its these two.
Isnt it, Norman?
- Yes.
- Yeah, you love it, dont you?
Weve got to get down
to some gay business now, all of us.
You lot arent my friends any more.
Safe, is he?
She didnt see anything, man.
I swear to God, she didnt see the...
The bolts and the...
Ill sort this out.
Ill sort it out, man.
Just give me a minute.
Ill go down and sort this shit out.
You are going to sort it out
cos youre going to kill her.
Kill her?
Were gonna kill her?
Not us, Waj. Hass.
You want me to kill her?
You can fuck her, but you cant kill her?
Whats wrong with you?
Give him your pocket knife, Barry.
There we go. There. Knife and fork.
Make a fucking meal of it.
Im not joking, bro.
Do I look like Im joking?
No. Now go on your way.
How do I do it?
Cut her head off
and bring it back in a bucket.
Chop her head off?
Were not really gonna kill her, are we?
You fucking idiot!
Why dont we just call up the pigs
and dob ourselves in.
That d be clever.
A body on our hands to trail back to us.
Shut up!
What are we gonna do with all this?
Shes seen it now.
Weve got to move it now.
- Were gonna put it in Barrys allotment.
- Well put it...
Shut up, Barry. Solved.
Problem solved.
Daddys come home
and wiped everyones arse, hasnt he?
Thats what jihads about.
Its me wiping your arses.
Oh, sorry. One minute. Hello, Gaza?
Yeah, Omar would love to come
and help but he can t, hes really busy
wiping up the fountains of shit
spraying out the arses of these...
OK, thank you.
Who were on the phone?
Slow down, please.
Get us there in one piece, Barry.
Go easy.
Go easy!
Oh! Oh!
Dont rattle the stuff, Barry.
Slow down, man.
Use your eyes, boys.
Weve got a predator.
What, the milk float?
- Thats a milk float!
- The Feds work undercover, you mug!
No, no.
No, no!
No, dont do this to me!
Come on!
Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck it!
- Did you fix this, then, Barry?
- Yes, I fixed it!
- Did you?
- Its the parts. Theyre Jewish.
What parts in a car are Jewish?
- Spark plugs?
- Spark plugs.
Jews invented spark plugs
to control global traffic.
Right, everybody calm down.
Were gonna grab the gear and walk.
All right, but check the roofs, boys.
There could still be an ambush.
Careful, careful with that. Watch out.
Easy does it. Just act natural. OK?
One jolt
and this stuff could go, right?
You got to run smooth, right?
You got to run fast,
but you got to run smooth, right?
Like this, right?
This is fast but slow,
smooth but fast.
Barry, were fine! Lads, were fine!
Theres no need for any of this.
Were fine, are we?
Were fucking surrounded. Look.
- Everybody get off the road.
- Omar!
Anybody talks, Im gonna make them
jump up and down till they go bang.
Just keep your mouths shut
and let me deal with this, all right?
Hey, man. Hows it going?
Nice little one-pack
you got going on there, bro.
Youre a pint of sauce, Omar.
Have you managed to run a mile yet
without stopping for a milkshake?
- Make that 12 miles. All right, lads?
- All right.
Whats with the bags?
- Shopping.
- Marzipan.
- Toys.
- Chicken.
- Were about to go and play football.
- Yeah?
We should grab all this kit
and head down there to the pitch.
- Yeah.
- All right, bro.
Right. See you in a bit, man.
Hey, lads. Wait, look.
You forgot this.
- Hey! Hey!
- Aahh!
Whats that?
That bags full of really fragile...
boots.
- Are they all right?
- Yeah. Thats just thigh exercises.
- What?
- Quad squats. You know, squat jogs.
Its just... Its for the marathon.
I thought you d know.
- Yeah? Squat jogs?
- Yeah.
All right, man. See you in a bit.
Like that.
- Squat jogs, yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Down?
- Bit lower.
- Safe-age, mate!
- All right, man.
- Take care, man.
- Yeah, yeah.
- All right, brothers?
- Oh, Alhamdulillah, bro.
- Yeah.
- We skilled it.
Wheres Faisal?
Hey, boys.
Boys, come and have a look at this.
Can you see him?
Hey, bro!
Run!
Hey, brother Faisal!
Over the wall, Faisal!
- Yeah, run faster, bro!
- Yeah, but not too fast!
Where is he?
- It was a martyrs death.
- Gone to paradise, innit, brother Omar?
- He disrupted the infrastructure.
- How did he do that?
He took out a sheep.
Magnificently took it right out.
Did he?
- Attacked the food supply.
- Some of its in there... with him.
- What?
- I couldnt separate it.
So what is he, lads?
Is he a martyr or is he a fucking jalfrezi?
- Hes a martyr.
- Right, this is bullshit!
- He is not a martyr.
- Yes, he is. Hes part of the war.
What war?
The war on kuffar sheep?
- Hes the first hero of the final jihad.
- Hes not a hero, hes a dickhead.
And so are you, youre all dickheads.
Whoa, brother. That is out of order.
Ive made a decision, Barry.
The missions off.
Its finished, Im done with this.
You cant handle the war, brother.
Youre having a wobble.
Ive got nothing to have a wobble about.
My conscience is clear.
- Youre the one who killed Faisal!
- I didnt kill him!
Yes, you did, you brought TV Paki in
after you saw him
making an arse out of himself
at a public meeting
you shouldnt even have been at.
And he blew our cover.
Ever since then,
youve had everybody so paranoid,
poor little Faisal s
panicked himself to death.
- So really Hassan killed him.
- No, you killed him.
No, you killed him.
You heard what he said.
- You killed him more.
- I thought it was a good thing he died.
Isnt he a martyr?
Its a good thing, right?
All right, I did kill him, then.
I martyred him. Hes up there now,
keeping my seat warm.
- Come on, our kid, lets go.
- I think I martyred him a bit, too.
What?
- We got to keep on.
- You got a plan, Waj?
- Blow something up.
- What are we going to blow up, Waj?
Internet.
Well blow up the internet
for brother Faisal.
Were mujahid, brother, yeah?
Rubber Dinghy Rapids, yeah?
Youre not a mujahid.
Youre a fucking idiot.
Do you think a real mujahid gives a fuck
about Rubber Dinghy Rapids
and gets his deen from
The Cat That Went To Mecca,
a book he cant finish
cos its far too fucking advanced for him?
I tell you what, Ive got a plan for you.
Why dont you go with...
...and lose yourself in the forest?
Omar!
Salaam, Omar.
Salaam alaykum, bro.
You and your boys look like...
something rubbish.
You all right, Omar?
Yeah, yeah. I am, as it goes.
- Listen, can I ask you something?
- Why not, brother?
Screw it, doesnt matter.
Youve already started doing the face.
Why not come to our study group, Omar?
What, and get a four-hour dose of that face?
The floaty face of the wise bird,
hovering on a million quotes,
about to do a massive wisdom shit
on my head.
Forget it.
Omar, what are you doing?
Its the middle of the night.
What is that?
- Its a puffin party.
- A what?
- Its a puffin party.
- A puffin party?
- Im talking to Wajs puffin.
- Omar, what are you talking about?
Its the boys. Ive left them.
Now Hassans puffin wont talk to me,
Wajs puffins just told me to piss off,
Barrys puffins turned all red
and is hiding under the pirate hat.
Faisals dead.
Hes dead. They...
He was carrying explosives
and he tripped up over a sheep.
Theyre total idiots, Sof.
Well, it must have been Gods plan
for him to be blown up on a sheep.
Come on, Sof.
How can that be Gods plan?
Well, it cant be Gods plan
to leave the lads with Barry, can it?
Come here.
You were much more fun when
you were gonna blow yourself up, love.
I am gonna blow myself up, right?
Just not in a mosque
or in a chemists or on top of a duck.
Right, well, if theyre gonna blow
themselves up in the wrong place,
youve got to make sure
you all blow up in the right place.
Sof, I cant even get them to stir their tea
without smashing a window.
What does your heart say, hmm?
Gods in your heart, Dad.
Oi, you, come here.
Sorry, I heard talking.
Can we finish off
the story about Simbas jihad?
Yeah, we can do that tomorrow.
Come on, off to bed.
Does he become a martyr, eh, Dad?
Dont you worry,
cos even if he gets blown to bits,
hes gonna die smiling.
- Hell go straight to heaven.
- Yeah.
Hell be in heaven
before his head hits the ceiling.
An Asian mans head was found less
than 2 miles from the city centre today.
Steven Fap discovered
the Asian mans head
when it nearly fell onto his dog out of a tree.
A head fell out of the tree
and nearly hit my dog.
The man has not been identified,
but it seems that he may have died
while trying to cause an explosion.
- Yo, Matt... Is Matt here?
- Hes in the back.
- Terry, step outside, bro.
- Say that again.
I need you to go outside.
Get a doughnut.
- Ive got one.
- Get another one.
- Matt?
- Oh, thanks!
- Omar?
- Yeah, mate.
- Can you can help me with this?
- I got to ask you something first.
I booked a clown and they gave me this.
Its the wrong way up.
I cant run in a wrong-way-up clown!
They said, 'You ordered it. '
- Why would I order a wrong-way-up clown?
- Its fine.
- I can sort you out.
- I didnt even know what one was.
I can sort you out with another costume
so you can do the marathon.
I said, 'Youre gonna cause
a pile -up at the marathon with me
'flat to my arse in a costume
I cant even bloody believe exists. '
Ive got you a rabbit costume at home.
You can run the marathon in that.
- Can I run in a rabbit?
- Course you can.
Its amazing. Its a rabbit, right?
Panic over. Done?
- Yes, Im sorry.
- Ive got to ask you something.
Have you?
Have you seen the news?
- Yeah, the head.
- What do you know about that?
Well, theyre just saying its jihadi.
Theyve got him.
Filmed him blowing up a crow.
Its not jihadi, though, is it, Omar,
blowing up a crow?
Omar?
No, its a cultural thing. We bazooka-ed
an ostrich at that wedding I was at.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, I... Ive got to go, Matt.
Shit!
God help us.
- Thats the police, man.
- All right. Arm yourselves.
All right?
- Oi.
- Get out of my way, Barry.
Oi! Fuck off out the back door!
Youre not part of this now.
Lads, this is an emergency.
They found Faisals head.
The head that you buried 5 feet
underneath your shed
fell out of a tree onto a dog.
Good. Dogs contradict Islam.
Dibble is onto us, lads.
- Dibble is on to us.
- I told you, it was a knee.
That was a head.
It was obviously a head.
It had a hinge!
Right. So, Ive just seen Matt.
Matt is running
the London marathon tomorrow.
Hes doing it in costume.
You know they run in costume?
Well, so can we.
We can disguise the gear in there
and its perfect.
Weve got live TV,
prime targets all along the road.
Weve got a target, Omar.
Its the mosque.
When you meet God,
do you want to tell him,
'I struck a blow for the brothers '?
- Or 'I blew a load of them up '?
- Blew a load of em up. Hell love that.
Come on, lads. Waj?
Im not on your side any more, brother Omar.
- You ripped me up, bro.
- Mashallah.
Waj, bro...
Im really sorry.
My head was in a mess cos of Faisal.
I shouldve stayed.
Why didnt you, then?
Cos I made a mistake.
But you didn't. You listened to your heart
and you did the right thing.
No, ignore him, Waj. Hes being nice.
You cannot win an argument
just by being nice.
Not just by being nice, Baz.
Im right as well, arent I?
You cannot win an argument
just by being right.
- No?
- No. No way.
- I think maybe you can, Barry?
- Who asked you, fuck -brain?
Barrys not a good emir, brother Omar.
He made me do bad stuff in the woods.
Like what?
He said, if I was a proper mujahid,
I d wiz in my own mouth.
You made him wee in his own gob?
What is wrong with you, bro?
Its submission.
Its the rules of submission.
It felt really bad, brother.
Its not too tricky
once you get the aim right,
but it just feels like really proper wrong.
All wee splashing off your teeth.
Bro, I swear, bro,
I may ask you to blow yourself up
but I will never ask you
to piss in your own mouth.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, bro. Promise.
- No more widdle in my gob.
- Promise, bro.
Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
Rubber Dinghy Rapids, brother.
Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
See this, brother Hass?
Its gays at work.
Its not Muslims, its gays.
OK, brother Hass,
marathon or mosque?
- Either way, were gonna blow, right?
- Yeah, to pieces, brother.
Yeah, but... we die smiling, bro.
Yeah, wicked.
Wicked. Yeah, man.
Lets blow up a load of fit slags
at the marathon, yeah?
Oh, yes!
Yes, bro.
Wicked. Yes!
Come on, Barry. Were lions, bro.
- Four lions.
- Yes!
Good lad.
Down on the floor!
Ill be two minutes.
Whats it concerning?
We trying to ascertain the whereabouts
of your brother-in-law.
Why, whats up?
Tell us when you saw him last.
Well...
I cant remember
the last time I saw him.
Right, nurse, still on shift? Sorry.
So, Ive got the stats back
from cubicle seven.
They need some more blood supplies
for the knee.
The what?
Yes, the knee string.
The knee strings come off.
Hm.
Ive finished my shift now.
So Im going to take my team
up to the top floor.
- Right?
- OK.
So Ill see you up there.
Yeah?
- OK.
- Yeah?
You all right, lads.
You going to arrest me?
- No, no.
- Carry on.
OK.
Right, so your brother-in-law,
when was the last time you saw him?
Er, like I said, about two months ago.
#Dancing in the moonlight
#Everybody's feeling warm and bright
#Such a fine and natural sight
#Everybody's dancing in the moonlight...
Come on lads, were late.
- Is it all right?
- Its all right there now.
- Yeah.
- Right, were nearly done, our kid.
Yeah, nearly done.
- OK?
- Yeah.
Mujahid, brothers!
- Mujahid.
- Mujahid, brother Hassan.
Mujahid!
Defo right thing, yeah, bro?
What?
Blowing up kuffar and that?
- Totally legit, yeah?
- Yeah.
Good. Wicked.
I was just... just checking and that.
Waj, dont listen to your brain, bro.
OK? The shaitan,
he gets in there with his wasa-wasa.
What youve got to do, youve got to
listen to your heart. Remember?
- My heart. Yeah, brother Omar.
- So, what does your heart say?
It says, er...
'Its wrong, Waj, dont do it. '
And what does your brain say?
'Were here...
'... together, strapped up,
'and it would be, like,
well pathetic to cop out now. '
Right, um...
- So he should listen to his brain.
- No, hes got to listen to his heart, Barry.
Anyway, this is Wajs brain.
Since when do we listen to Wajs brain?
- Sorry, bro.
- No, I agree. Im thick as fudge.
His brain says do it,
so his brains got to be right!
That cant be his brain, right?
Thats his heart, Barry.
- Feels like my brain, brother.
- OK, this is whats happened.
Whats happened is,
the shaitan has confused you.
Hes swapped round
your brain and your heart.
So, dont listen
to what you think is your heart,
cos thats actually your brain -
in disguise as your heart.
Right? And what you thought
was your brain,
that s... thats your heart.
Thats actually your heart.
My brain is my heart.
You got it, our kid. So just...
Whats up there?
Heart.
OK? Yeah? Follow your heart.
Nice one, brother.
- Right?
- Nice one. Alhamdulillah.
- Hey, hey!
- What?
Oh, behn choad!
Were doing a fun run for a kids charity.
Stretches, stretches, stretches.
- Were running for charity.
- What kind of charity?
- For kids.
- What kind of kids?
Policemens kids.
You all right, officer?
- Late for the fun run, lads?
- Whats it to you?
Yeah, we are, actually. Do you know
how we can get to the red zone?
You cant run in that, can you?
He just drew the short straw.
Four short straws were there?
Red zone? Its back down there, left.
Second left again, then theres marshals.
Theyll tell you where to park.
Thank you.
Youre gonna die in that gear, lads.
- Thats more than likely.
- Proper likely.
Were all going to die, yeah.
Its all for a good cause, though.
Well, good luck.
Have a good day.
Everybody OK?
Everybody strapped up?
Got your detonator on?
Hass, you got your number?
Hass, have you got your number?
Hey!
- Where the fuck has he gone?
- Shit!
What the fucks he doing?
Help! Help!
- Im accidentally a suicide bomber!
- Stop!
- Ive got a bomb!
- Hes bottled it.
Its the costume.
The legs make the hands go up.
- Ive got a bomb but its a mistake!
- No, he said hes got a bomb.
- Youve got a bomb?
- Yeah, but Im not a bomber!
Dont worry.
- This is a fucking bad prank, mate!
- No, no!
No, Im real, but not anymore.
Youre real but not anymore?
I dont understand.
Have you got a bomb?
Yes, but its not going to go off.
- How do I know that?
- Look.
Weve got to go, now.
We need to go, now.
Now!
Go! Come on, go!
Waj, try and find some targets.
Ill see you on the top floor, our kid.
Radisson-style penthouse suite!
Smooth running, Waj.
'Smooth running, Waj.
Smooth running. '
- You killed Hassan!
- He bottled.
You took away his choice.
You de-martyred him.
Did Waj have a choice
when you told him
his heart was his brain
and his gob was his ring piece?
You tomatoed your friend.
- Barry...
- Youve killed the special-needs donkey.
No, I haven t.
Let him blow!
Let the retard blow!
Fuck!
Oi, you, stop!
All right, bro?
Hey!
Stay there!
Im fucking loaded! Yeah?
No messing now, yeah?
Thats it. Stay there.
Shut it. Shut the metal. Shut it.
Shut it!
Right, lads. See this, yeah?
Any of you do anything,
were all turning baked beans, all right?
No fucking messing now. Yeah?
Target confirmations are
ostrich and grizzly bear.
Ostrich and grizzly bear are the targets.
The bear is down. Repeat,
the bear is down. I got the bear.
I think thats a wookie.
Thats a wookie.
No, its not, its a bear.
Is a wookie a bear, control?
The bear target has changed.
Target bear is now target Honey Monster.
Is a honey monster a bear?
A honey monster is not a bear.
A honey monster is a bear.
The honey monster is down.
He was a target. He was a bear.
The honey monster is down?
The honey monster is not down, control.
We have a wookie down.
- What's a wookie?
- A bear. Its a bear!
No, it is a wookie.
Youve just shot it as a bear.
- Is a wookie a bear?
- Its a bear. Repeat, its a bear.
The wookie is down.
The wookie is not the target.
Well, it must be the target.
I just shot it.
Ill just finish this,
then were all off to heaven, all right?
Martyrs suite, VIP lounge.
Are you going to kill us?
Well, I might have some seconds,
but I kind of am, yeah.
Why?
For jihad, man. Kuffar and that.
But we support jihad, bro.
I cant explain it, lads, but...
If brother Omar were here,
I swear he d tell you knowledge
proper good.
- Omar?
- Waj?
- Are you in paradise, bro?
- No, bro.
- Im in a cafe. Where are you?
- Im in a kebab shop.
Ive got hostages and everything,
like Xbox Counter-Strike.
- Right, listen, Waj. Youve got to...
- Thing is, they're all brothers.
I still get points for taking them with me,
though, yeah? Like Nectar card?
Omar?
- Let them all go. Just keep one of them.
- Eh?
Just grab one of them.
Let the rest of them go, Waj.
OK.
Right, you stay.
You three can go.
Go!
OK. Now listen, Waj.
What you were saying before
about this being wrong,
you were right, it is wrong.
- I dont... What do you mean?
- For you.
For you, Waj,
doing what youre doing is wrong.
Yeah, I know. It feels really wrong, bro.
But thats why its right, yeah?
No, youre confused, bro.
Im not confused, brother.
Yes, you are confused.
I confused you.
But when Im confused,
I got my confused face.
Wait.
Bro, I just took a picture of my face.
Its defo not my confused face.
- Waj, I dont need...
- I'll send it you.
Waj. Waj, wait.
Listen to me, Waj. Wait.
'Listen to me. ' Its too late
to stick your hand up his arse now.
Aargh!
Oh!
Ah, look at the Paki Bono.
You want to call him?
You want to call
the special-needs donkey?
Here you go.
You forgot the SIM card.
Mind out. Mind out the way.
Easy, chap. OK.
Its all right, I can Heimlich.
Thats it, dont fight me.
- Wait.
- Ive done this before, sonny.
Thats it. Dont fight it.
Thats it, thats it.
And catch the peanut!
Number withheld.
I dont do 'number withheld '.
Answer it, bro.
It could be important!
Hey, yeah. Maybe I won an iPhone.
- Waj?
- Have I won?
Waj, this is Ed.
Im with Special Branch. Im just outside.
- How did you get this number?
- Waj, can we talk?
- Have you got agents at Orange?
- I'm sorry?
Youve got proper double agents
working at Orange, havent you?
I knew I should have gone to O 2.
Ive got loads of friends on O 2.
Waj, what are your demands?
I dont have any.
Excuse me, mate. Have you got
a SIM card for this phone, please?
Not for that model, but we can sort one out
for you if you want to come with me.
Can you make this work.
I need it. Is it on?
Its only a display model.
Do you want that one?
Yeah, I want it. I need it.
Gordon? Can you get that phone
for me, please, mate?
Waj, why are you doing this?
Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
Sorry?
Rubber Dinghy Rapids, bro.
Fast track.
Straight on the rides, like Alton Towers.
- No queue.
- You like funfairs then, Waj?
Its not a funfair, bro,
its a theme park.
Funfair? How old are you?
Alton Towers got a spa, bro.
- Just now.
- All right, mate.
Im doing it for you.
Would you like 12 months?
- Contract?
- Any.
- Do the call plan.
- All right, mate.
Easy, bro, easy.
Im doing it for you.
- I think Im going to go now, bro.
- Wait, Waj. What about girls?
I bet you like the ladies.
Is this your first time, bro?
Are you a virgin at this?
Please, Waj,
can we talk about girls?
You fill that out. Fill it out.
- What sort of call plan would you like?
- What?
Weve got the Labrador?
The Dragon?
- Just any?
- How about the Hermit Crab?
- Huh?
- Its 1800 free texts.
Forget it.
Ive still got your card.
OK, we can talk about girls.
Right so what sort of girls
are you into, then, Waj?
I dont know.
Ones with big jubblies and that.
- Yeah? You like them big, Waj?
- Yeah.
And nice fit arses, too, man.
Youre an arse man, arent you, Waj?
I knew you were, bro.
You 're an arse man.
You 're a massive arse man.
- What are you saying?
- Im saying youre an arse man, Waj.
You giving me batty chirps, bro?
You calling me a whammer?
- No.
- Fuck off!
Fucking Boy George!
Dont worry, brother Nabil.
Hold on to these.
When I press the clicker,
just think about taking out the kuffar.
Youll be in paradise before me, bro!
But theres no kuffar here, bro.
Yeah, but...
Brother Faisal, hes a martyr
and he only blew up a sheep.
I think you might be confused, brother.
Im not.
You look confused.
Sorry. Matt!
- Omar!
- Matt!
Yeah, man, listen.
Have you got a signal on your phone?
Yeah. What are you doing here?
Ill level with you Matt. Im Ml5.
Special undercover job. Im a spook.
What?
So whats going on?
Fathers 4 Justice.
Theyve teamed up with the Real IRA.
Its the nightmare scenario.
- Jesus.
- Yeah. Just give me five.
Fucking 'number unknown ' again.
Is that whammer cop
going straight to hell or what?
- What are you doing?
- Hello?
- Hello, Waj, bro. Its Omar.
- Omar?
Omar?
- Waj.
- Tell me what to do, bro.
I think I might be confused
but Im not sure.
Listen, bro.
You do what I do, right?
You do the same as me, OK?
Yes, brother, Ill do the same as you.
Right, OK.
Im going give myself up, bro.
- Eh?
- Im going to give myself up, bro.
Waj? Waj!
Waj? Waj?
Brother, what am I?
What am I doing, brother?
- Waj! Waj!
- What am I doing, brother?
- Pick up the phone!
- Bro, what am I doing?
All right, mate?
Im sorry, lads.
I dont really know what Im doing.
What was that?
What was that?
Are you all right?
Omar, are you all right?
Now, you stay here.
And you tell them I were smiling.
What?
Smile on my face.
Could be important.
Right... Smile.
- Is there?
- Yeah.
Where are you going?
Omar?
This is RAF Mildenhall,
but its actually Egypt.
When you entered the base,
you left Britain,
and you passed through US jurisdiction
and into this container,
which is internationally recognised
as the sovereign territory of Egypt.
You are now in Egypt.
There are some pretty hellish Egyptians
behind that door there.
They use electrodes. They use drills.
Biro refills.
Do you know what I mean?
I dont know anything about my brother.
We know a lot more
than you think we do.
All right, lets get one thing straight.
Omar Khan had nothing to do with this.
Cos I knew him and I worked with him.
Did you know
he was actually working for Ml5?
Cos he told me that himself.
The report makes crystal clear
that the police shot the right man,
but, as far as I'm aware,
the wrong man exploded.
Is that clear?
Today you felt our exploding sword
in your fat oppressor stomachs, man.
We 're the muslimeen
and we 're making terrible scenes
Now you wanna know
what the boom -boom means?
It's like Tupac said:
"When I die, I aint dead
"Fight and be slain,
die with no pain
Got shaheed in my heed,
for my creed I daheed
We are the martyrs,
you's just smashed tomatoes
- Now we've got...
- Bro? What were that?
For my creed, I daheed
Whats 'daheed ', though?
Died.
- Daheed, died. Daheed.
- Thats bollocks, man.
- Youre rhyming doolally.
- Thats clear, man.
No, no, look. In my opinion...
Look, no, man. In your opinion?
Your opinions shit, man.
With all due respect, bro,
you like Maroon 5.
What the fucks that about?
- Come here.
- Whoa, whoa!
- Come here, man.
- Im joking!
When we talk about a so-called
terrorist attack on the London marathon,
we should remember one thing:
most loud bangs are not bombs,
theyre scooters backfiring.
This footage,
taken from an American spy plane.
appears to show two trainee Mujahideens
struggling with a rocket launcher.
firing it at an Arab training camp
and accidentally blowing up
Osama bin Laden.
The western imperialist culture
has left you like materialist junkies,
mainlining iPods and Humvees
and TK Maxx into a spiritual void.
Is Mad Qadeer watching this?
- What?
- Mad Qadeer, cos he owes me 200.
Mad Qadeer, if youre watching, right,
you owe me 200.
And youre gonna pay up.
Cos Im not here right now.
Im somewhere else,
but youre still gonna pay.
Youre going to pay Saf.
Saf, if youre watching, bro,
you go round Mad Qadeers house, right,
and you get him to pay me my 200,
cos hes owed it me a long time.
He owes me money.
No, sit properly
like youre gonna mean it,
like you mean it.
No, Waj, dont muck about.
Cos the batterys gonna go. Sit...
Whos mucking about, Barry?
Im not mucking about.
Well, you cant sit like that.
Whats wrong
with how hes sitting, Barry?
Come and have a look. Its wrong.
Theres nothing wrong with it.
- Not you!
- Show me.
No!
Right, what are you looking at?
Theres nothing there.
No, theres nothing there.
Go and sit down.
- You cant see yourself, you mug!
- I thought you were recording it.
Right, sit, sit.
- Faisal, go away.
- Im ready, Im ready.
- All right.
- Waj, just relax your face.
Focus on what youre going to say.
Get on with it.
- Go, before the battery goes.
- One, two...
Three... action!
Ey up,
you unbelieving kuffar bastards.
- Im gonna turn you baked beans...
- No, no, no.
- What?
- Whats with the gun?
- Proper replica, man.
- What for? Action Man?
Replica AK-47.
- Its too small, man.
- Not too small, brother.
- My hands.
- Waj...
Big hands.
He cant do it with that gun.
Shut up, Barry.
Try it without, our kid, and lets go.
Its too small, believe me.
Ill hold it near the camera.
Thatll bigger it.
- Thatll what?
- Thatll bigger it.
- Yeah.
- Go now.
Ey up, you unbelieving kuffar bastards.
No, no, no!
This is absolutely stupid.
These are the outtakes.
You know, the bloopers.
- He looks good.
- Today is a wake-up call.
Today is an opportunity
for you to look in the mirror
at western imperialist culture.
Superficial materialism
ends at the capitalist church
of McDonald's.
Flipping idiots.
It's as though you just had a Big Mac,
completely oblivious to the amount...
Complete flipping idiots.
You could've gone Chicken Cottage,
proper halal,
bargain bucket 6.99.
- What are you talking about?
- I'm taking about Chicken Cottage.
- Theres one where he doesnt say that.
- Your bits good, Dad.
Take the box off.
I cant show my face
cos it's an image.
And images aren't allowed.
You know what? Theyre all bloopers.
Take the box off.
What am I going to do
if he does that at the camp?
Is Uncle Faisal ready to go to Pakistan?
You can't do your jihadi video
with a box on your head.
No way.
Ran 23K on the weekend.
Had a light lunch:
Snack -a-Jacks and a medium apple.
cos obviously it was after lunch, so...
Same again Sunday.
Although in the afternoon
I only did 4K cos I d had a roast.
Would've gone further, you know,
but I started to run a bit lopsided.
Im not slagging my right leg off,
but my left leg is definitely stronger.
I think lefty just wants it more, you know.
Right legs bone idle.
Hell just wait there,
let lefty pick up the slack.
Before you know it,
youre running in curves.
Im going to have
to put my foot down, you know.
Really show him whos boss. Yeah.
Know what I mean?
You do know you can talk to your legs,
dont you?
- I need tomorrow off.
- What?
I need tomorrow off,
and the two weeks after that.
Jesus, I thought you were serious
about this job, Omar.
Ive got to go to a wedding in Pakistan.
Youve got to ask yourself
where youll be in five years time.
- Its an emergency.
- What, an emergency wedding?
Like a shotgun wedding?
Like a shotgun wedding, yeah.
Right.
Well, Ill have a look at the rota.
The Feds can track your phone
even if the batterys out.
- Really?
- Really. They can see you underground.
Can they see you if youre not there?
Wheres there?
I dont know.
They can see you everywhere, Waj.
Are they looking at us
through cameras?
- Space cameras, yes.
- But...
My dad says Im not supposed
to be on camera. Its haram.
With the greatest of respect, Faisal,
your dad eats newspaper.
- Not any more. He eats moths.
- Exactly, bro.
Look, the way to stop the Feds
tracking you is very simple.
You eat your SIM card.
Get your SIM cards out.
You remove the SIM card and...
Yes?
- Can I cook mine?
- No. You must eat it raw, like this.
Good boys.
Salaam, lads.
Walaykum asalaam.
- Right.
- Were eating our SIM cards.
Anti-surveillance.
You know they still work
inside you, Barry.
- Eh?
- They can still track them inside you.
Thats not going to be
very helpful in Pakistan.
- What?
- In Pakistan.
Answered the call, bro.
- What call?
- Training camp.
Were upgrading.
Were going.
Why did you get the call?
Why didnt I get the call?
You dont have an uncle in Pakistan
last time I checked.
You got an uncle in Folkstone.
Are there any training camps in Folkstone?
Why do we need a training camp, anyway?
Were primed.
We dont need some tramp up a mountain,
telling us to set a fuse.
We dont need some Paki Steptoe
telling us when to go.
Youre right, Barry.
We can go whenever we want.
Exactly. Whenever we want, bro.
Yeah, if you want to be some kind of
sad loner trenchcoat mafia twazzock.
What do you mean?
What I mean is, you can either be
a stupid nutter Muslim
who blows a bag full of nails
into his own guts at a toilet at TGI s,
or you can be a proper soldier
in the Mujahideen.
- Im already in the Mujahideen.
- No, youre not, bro.
No, not until you join the army
and hold the sword
and touch the sky -
proper chain of command,
right to the very top.
- All right, Im coming.
- Oh, you want Paki Steptoe now?
Listen, I am the most Al Qaeda one here.
Think of the group.
Think of what were trying to do.
Its best you stay here, bro.
Youre a liability
and youre a loose cannon.
Bollocks, Im a liability.
I am the invisible Jihadi.
They seek him here,
they seek him there.
But hes not there,
hes blowing up your slag sister.
- Invisible?
- Yeah.
Like the time you got on the local news
for baking a Twin Towers cake
and leaving it at the synagogue on 9/11?
That is part of the plan.
Hide in plain sight, you mug.
And I am coming!
You realise, if I dont come
with you to Pakistan, bro,
Islam is finished.
Listen, bro, we need you over here
to keep a lid on things.
So what if Im not here?
Cos Ive bought a ticket at the airport
to come with you anyways.
You want to come, Fess?
Yeah, its just... my dad s
seeing creatures thats not there.
- So hell keep it ticking over here, bro.
- Barry, listen.
- If you answer this question, you can come.
- All right.
Dont fuck with me, man!
Dont fuck with Azzam al Britani!
Barry, what are you doing?
Barry, this is crazy.
- Barry, what are you doing?
- Right, if Im not going, no one is.
Spit it out.
Its gone down his neck.
Right, frog him.
- Frog him in the back.
- Omar, we agreed, no frogging.
That was before you swallowed the key.
Every time Ive had to frog you.
- Listen, we...
- Come on. Come on.
We said no frogging!
What if you get caught?
Im not going down.
Just cos you cant take
a drill in the kneecap.
Theyll crack you like babies fingers.
Theyll pump you full of Viagra,
make you fuck a dog.
Good prattle, Barry.
Youll end up on YouTube,
blowing Lassie in a ditch.
Are they gonna make me fuck
a dog out there, brother Omar?
My uncles connected out there.
Only time were going to see cops
is for weapons upgrade.
All right, Omar,
Im letting you go to Pakistan.
My unit stays here.
- But my units the main unit.
- Barry, shut up, mate.
Because I tell you, your little brain cell
might go off now and again,
but if your hands even go to move
and you try setting up
the Islamic state of Tinsley again,
going to university lectures,
opening your big mouth,
buying some more silver nitrate
from Amazon,
Im gonna rip your plugs out.
Not if youre not here, you won t.
Aargh!
No, Uncle.
Its my prayer bear.
He does my prayers.
In the name of Allah...
Which way are we going?
All right. OK.
What the fucks he done
to his rabbits, bro?
Theyre not rabbits, bro.
Theyre chickens.
Theyre fucking rabbits.
Bro, if theyre rabbits,
where are their ears?
Thats what Im saying.
What?
Whats he saying?
Im asking, would he kill you?
Pack up.
If you make me trouble...
Alaykum salaam.
- Would you kill me, then?
- No, course not.
Come on.
I d kill you, bro.
Would you?
- Yeah.
- Right, good.
Cos I would kill you, bro.
Bro, seriously, I d kill you.
Course I would.
Aye, I would. I d kill you like that.
- Flipping heck, man. Would you?
- Yeah, course.
I sort of thought
I were joking a bit there, bro.
Were soldiers, bro.
Whatevers asked, you do it.
You do the right thing.
Right?
- Are you with me?
- Yeah.
Its life, isnt it? Its just life.
What is that? Its nothing.
Its like being stuck
in the queue at Alton Towers.
Do you want to be in the queues
or do you want to be on the rides?
You want to be on the rides, dont you?
You want to be on Nemesis, Oblivion.
Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
- Yeah. You with me?
- Yeah.
- Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
- Yeah, Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
Right?
- OK, I would kill you, brother Omar.
- Would you?
- Yeah, I would.
- What would you do?
- I d smash your head off with a thing.
- Yeah. Know what I d do?
I d grab one of these hooks, Waj.
I d dig it in your belly, rip your guts out.
Spill it all out on the floor,
like Mortal Combat.
I d fucking... I d take this, right?
- Yeah?
- And I d fucking run you over with a tractor.
- Yeah?
- Yeah. Soldiers.
Soldiers, brother. Mujahid.
Mujahid.
Good lad.
Come on. You want some?
Yeah, you do want some, rabbit.
You fucked-up rabbit with no ears.
- Ill fucking... Ill have you.
- Theyre chickens, man.
- I d roast you.
- Waj, theyre chickens.
Im coming. Coming.
Im coming.
Come on, Waj.
Fuck off, bro. East is that way.
That way is East, bro.
That way is East.
- Weve flown over Mecca now.
- Pakis gone mental, bro.
Mecca is in the East, yeah.
Where the sun... where it rises,
you behn choad paki prong!
Turn around. Ill explain to you later.
Fuck! Waj, come on. Come on!
Go, go, go. Come on.
- Come on, Waj.
- OK, OK.
Hey, brother Emir, Ill take it out.
Too high, too high.
Yeah, thats what I was thinking actually.
What is that, 2,000 feet?
- What?
- Nothing.
Ive never stood up in public and
professed any in-depth knowledge of Islam,
but what I do know is that most British
Muslims dont want to be out abroad,
fighting British foreign policy.
What they want to do is get on
peacefully with their daily lives.
- And we support that.
- Yeah, yeah.
A good Muslim
always keeps his mouth shut.
Yeah? Yeah? Are you all surprised
kids are going off to training camps?
- That is not what I am saying.
- Why are kids going to training camps?
First off, I object
to the term 'training camps '.
- You just used it.
- No, I did not.
Its a western fantasy.
You people think of Muslims
running around the mountains
with guns and bombs.
That d suit you
down to the ground, wouldnt it?
- But they do exist, dont they?
- Im not saying they dont exist.
What Im saying, if youll listen,
is that if they didnt exist,
you people would have to invent them.
- Thats absolute rubbish.
- Yeah, man.
- This whole debate is twisted, man.
- Well take questions later, please.
You think were all bombers, dont you?
- That is absolutely...
- No, no, no.
When you look at someone like me,
you think 'bomber ', right?
- Yeah, you do.
- That is not the case.
Why shouldnt I be a bomber
if you treat me like one?
- Mashallah, brother.
- Yeah, Mashallah.
Yeah.
I'm the Mujahideen
and I'm making a scene
Now you's gonna feel
what the boom-boom means
It's like Tupac said,
"When I die, I'm not dead"
We are the martyrs,
you 're just smashed tomatoes
Allahu Akbar!
Mashallah, brother.
Oh, what, man? Come on.
What? Just cos Im Muslim,
you thought it was real?
Oh, here they come!
Here come your stooges, Mr. Storge.
Police state! Police state!
Police state! Police state!
Remember my name, brothers and sisters.
Im going to Cuba!
Hes being rendered!
Hes being rendered!
Hey, bro, bro. Down here.
Need a lift?
Yeah, man. Wait. Yeah.
Oh, man!
Yo!
Youre a lege. Youre a lege, bro!
Not so bad yourself, brother.
Whats your name?
Hassan Malik. 'The Mal '.
- The Mal?
- Yeah.
Nice little stunt back there.
And you know what?
Youre a total piece of shit, mate.
Youre worse than the specially trained
rapists they use in Guantnamo.
- You what?
- Yeah, youre not ignorant like them!
You know you should be doing something.
- I am doing something.
- What, that?
I'm the Mujahideen and...
thingy, thingy, rap, rap
Eh?
It was jihad of the mind,
the gesture that messed yer.
Was the prophet, Sal Allaahu
Alayhi wa Sallam, about gestures?
Hm? Did he smash the pagan statues
or did he just stand there,
making a gesture?
Is this a gesture?
- That was for real, brother.
- Yeah...
Is you as for real as that?
- Yeah.
- How often do you go to mosque?
When I can. Most weeks. Friday prayers.
Once a year is too often.
The mosques have lost it, brother.
Theyre full of losers and spies.
These are real bad times, bro.
Islam is cracking up.
We got women talking back.
We got people playing stringed instruments.
Its the end of days.
Do you want to be for real?
Well, yeah, of course.
Are you sure?
Yeah, come here.
Fuck you, Omar!
Big enough for you now, Barry?
Am I blowing a dog in a ditch
or am I Paki Rambo?
Im getting my pictures, Mujahid-style.
- James Fuck Bond?
- No, no.
What the fuck are you doing, Waj?
Stay here and clean the guns.
No, no, listen. We need an Al Qaeda emir.
It was my fault, bro, OK?
Let Omar go.
You fucking Mr. Beans.
- But we havent got an emir yet.
- Its good.
- Just getting my pictures, bro.
- Waj, go away right now.
Come on.
- Where is it?
- Down here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Liquid peroxide.
Three years of stockpiling.
- Where did you get it all?
- A wholesale shop down the road.
- All from the same shop?
- Yeah.
- You mug, youll get us nicked!
- No.
I use different voices every time I go in.
Different what? Different voices.
Show me.
- What?
- Show me the voices. Come on.
- One of them s... Its my voice.
- Right.
Can I have 12 bottles of bleach, please?
I know what that sounds like.
Give me another one.
IRA voice.
IRA voice?
Theyre terrorists, Faisal.
Why do you want to do a terrorist voice?
Youll get us nicked!
- Ill be disguised then, wont I?
- Yeah, but as a terrorist.
Lets hear the voice.
Can I have...
And then Ive got one like this as well.
Can I have 12 bottles of bleach, please?
Whats that?
Its a womans voice
because I got loads of liquid peroxide.
Probably thought that she d go and...
And what?
...dye her hair or something.
- And her beard?
- You got a beard.
- I covered it.
You covered your beard. How?
Right, so you went into a shop,
with your hands on your face like that
and asked for 12 bottles of bleach?
So, why has she got her hands
on her face, Fess?
Cos shes got a beard.
Im sorry, brother Omar.
Maybe it were Gods will.
Maybe it were Gods will
I would do my video so...
- So maybe its not my fault.
- No, it is your fault.
It were Gods will that you were acting
like a complete prat, apparently.
It was defo your fault.
So, if that were Gods will,
then am I Gods fault?
Maybe Im Gods mistake.
- Does that mean Im going to hell, brother?
- Sh, sh, sh.
- Do mistakes go to hell?
- Shh, Waj.
What?
- Thats a drone.
- Hide!
- Its flying low. Its going to attack.
- Lets go!
Where are we gonna go, Waj?
Weve got to take it out.
Take it out with what?
We aint got no bullets.
- This is my mistake, bro.
- No, no, no. Waj, listen.
Think about it. This is Gods plan.
Hes put us here to defend the camp.
This is our jihad.
- Think about it.
- This is my mistake, brother.
Thats the devil thats in your brain
giving it the wasa-wasa.
Dont listen to him.
Gods in your heart, bro.
Right? What does your heart say?
Trust me. Come on.
It says maybe we should...
Huh?
Maybe we should flipping pop it, brother,
get back on jihad.
Good, Waj.
Right, OK.
What are we going to use?
- Fucking yes, bro.
- Shh, shh. Right, come on.
- Proper Mujahid, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Rubber Dinghy Rapids, brother?
- Mind out the way now.
- All right, OK.
- Come on.
- Flipping pop it, brother.
- OK.
Brother Omar!
The Arabs!
The emir!
Flipping shit.
Is this Gods will, bro?
Tell me it is, bro. Tell me its Gods will.
Fucking hell, bro.
Weve got to go, Waj.
Weve got to get out of here.
I cant hear nothing!
I cant hear nothing!
Morning, officer.
Youve been rumbled.
My plan is, right, to put a bomb on a crow
and fly it into one of them towers
full of Jews and slags.
I keep crows in here. Have a look.
Were way beyond crows now, Faisal.
We are really going to blow the lid off.
Yeah, Im all about blowing the lid off, man.
- Blow my lid off.
- Bomb the mosque!
What?
- The Masjid?
- Yeah, the masjid, the mosque.
But we go in dressed like kuffars.
They think its the unbelievers attacking
so all the Muslims rise up and fight back.
Stoke things up proper big time,
fast-track the final days - total war!
- That is sick, man.
- What does Omar say?
Who is this Omar?
Dont sweat that.
Hes one of my boys.
Ive sent him off to training camp
to bring him up to scratch.
But my dad goes to the masjid.
What if hes in masjid?
Has your dad ever bought
a Jaffa orange?
Once or twice.
Right, hes buying nukes for Israel, bro.
Hes a Jew.
- Barry!
- Where?
- Where is he?
- What are we going to say, again?
Waj, were going to say were being
sent for special training in Somalia.
- Somalia?
- Yeah, OK.
- You all right, Barry?
- Yeah. What happened?
Nothing happened.
Were being sent to...
Bollocks!
You fucked up, you fucking losers!
I told you, you should have taken me.
- Were going to Somibia, Barry.
- Somalia.
- Special training.
- 'Special training. '
- Bollocks! Something happened.
- Nothing happened, Barry.
Look at the state of you.
No luggage, back early.
Yeah, something happened.
- Yeah, something did happen.
- Yeah, you fucked up.
No, we got an emir
and he told us that were on.
What?
Weve got an emir
and he says that were on.
- Are you on as well, bro?
- Yeah, for real.
- Good.
- Alhamdulillah.
What about the Arabs, bro?
What about the Arabs?
They werent Arabs,
they were bad tribesmen.
- What?
- Bad tribesmen.
- So it were good, what we did?
- Yeah.
What the fuck is Special Branch doing here?
Oh, no, no, no.
Thats Hassan. Hes in.
- Since when, Barry?
- Hes one of us.
- Is he fuck?
- How was it? Was it amazing?
What, my dads funeral?
How could that be amazing?
Youre joking!
He was pecked to death by chickens.
Why would I joke about that?
Ignore him, bro. This is Omar,
this is Waj and this is Hassan Malik.
Yeah, man, Im the Mal.
Frog him.
No, dont sweat it, bro.
Hes been tested.
- Really?
- Yeah, he tested me, man.
How did he do that, then?
- He made me do that bean thing, man.
- What bean thing?
You know, when you put a bean
up the end of your knob, man.
Were on the parking. Lets go.
- Barry?
- Were on the parking.
- Whats he saying about a bean, Barry?
- You mean, I didnt have to?
Bro, hes landed you right in it.
Ive got no need for a beanfucker
or a TV Paki or a coconut spook.
Now, frog him!
Omar, hes loaded. His dads loaded.
- What, from Ml5 payroll?
- No, hes got a clothes factory.
- Great. Merry Christmas. Frog him.
- I can get you a van.
- I can nick a van.
- So you d steal from your own dad?
Well, yeah, yeah.
Right, well, youre still walking.
Listen, behn choad, next time I see you,
you d better have a fucking van,
or Im gonna floss your balls
with razor wire.
You played that wrong, mate.
- Youre on one, Omar.
- Drive!
- Did you fix this, Barry?
- Yeah, I fixed it.
- Did you do it yourself or something?
- Yes, I did it myself.
So is he in or what, Omar?
What choice have I got, Barry?
Hes either in or Ive got to kill him.
Good. I knew you d like him.
Simba and Pumbaa were out on their own.
And Scar was looking for them and
if he found them, he d kill them, but...
- Dad?
- Yeah?
Did you blow up any kuffars?
What?
At the wedding?
Do you want to hear
what happened to Simba or not?
- Yeah!
- Right, so...
Simba and Pumbaa
were out on their own,
when all of a sudden they saw this...
...this big evil bird, this big bird,
that Scar had sent out to look for them.
This big, evil vulture, coming right at them.
'There it is, ' said Simba.
He spotted it,
this big evil vulture,
coming straight for them,
coming right at them.
Then what, Dad?
Well, Simba had to bring it down,
otherwise it d kill them.
So, what he did was,
he grabbed a stone
and he chucked it at the bird,
only he chucked it so hard,
it was such a strong powerful throw,
that his arm went all the way round.
Behind. He threw it so hard,
it went a mile behind him.
And it hit Mufasa.
Wise, strong Mufasa, Simbas dad.
It hit him accidentally on the head
and killed him.
But didnt Scar kill Mufasa?
Yeah, in the film.
This is real life, Im talking about.
So Simba had a choice.
He could either tell his friends
what had happened and create confusion,
or keep it a secret and lead all his friends
in a big fight against Scar.
What do you think he did?
He had to tell the truth.
But hes got to fight Scar, hasnt he?
Telling the truth means giving up.
Would Simba give up?
- Simba would never give up.
- Exactly.
Exactly. So...
Simba kept it all a secret.
And he led Pumbaa and Timon
and all his friends,
he led them all in a fight against Scar.
And he vanquished Scar,
and Simba became the new Lion King.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Bedtime for you,
soldier.
All right, lads, this is it.
This is it, boys.
Ive spoken to the emir.
I have, and...
How did you do that?
Email drop box and the children s
instant messaging site, Party Puffin.
Ive been on that.
- Good, Waj.
- Proper good.
Do we have to be puffins as well?
Yeah, Ill give you all usernames
and passwords after this meeting.
Im not sure I want to be a puffin.
You dont have to be
if you dont want to, Barry.
- Bagsy a blue one, yeah?
- Good, Waj.
Now, Ive spoken to him.
My puffin has communicated with his puffin.
And hes told us to make some bombs.
So were going to take Faisals gear
to the secret flat.
We can hide it under the costumes
in Hassans van.
Well put the bleach on the boil.
We have instructions to bring havoc
to this bullshit, consumerist,
godless, Paki-bashing,
Gordon Ramsay 'Taste the Difference '
speciality cheddar,
torture-endorsing,
massacre-sponsoring,
'Look -at-me-dancing-pissed
with-my-nob-out ', Sky1 Uncovered,
'Who-gives-a-fuck
about-dead-Afghanis? ' Disneyland.
- Mashallah!
- Mashallah, brother Omar.
- Mashallah.
- Fuck mini Babybels.
Puffin says, 'Find a target. '
Well, we got a target, bro.
Were all agreed.
What is it?
- Its the mosque.
- What?
Bomb the mosque,
radicalise the moderates,
bring it all on.
OK, right. No, I like that.
I do like that, thats brilliant.
Lets take out a bunch of Muslims
because theyre the real enemy.
Once weve done that,
why dont we truck -bomb a kebab shop
and fly a jumbo jet
into Wajs mums head?
Why dont we get a pig
and staple -gun it to our foreheads?
But if we bomb the mosque,
it will make all the Muslims rise up.
My cousin, Faz, died,
defending a mosque in Bosnia.
Did he flipping rise up, bro?
Lets bomb Boots.
They sell condoms
that make you want to bang white girls.
- I second that. Boots.
- Right.
- They nabbed me nicking Lynx display.
- Think bigger than a chemist s.
Im not blowing my guts out over
a bunch of tampons and cotton buds.
What were going to do
has got to last in history,
echo through the ages.
- Like bomb a mosque.
- Barry, were not bombing a mosque.
You dont get it, do you, Omar?
We radicalise the moderates!
The ummah rises up, it all kicks off!
I do get it. Ill tell you what its like.
Its like youre in a fight with someone,
and theyre punching you
in the face, right?
And so what you go and do is,
you punch yourself in the face.
So what if hes not?
Im having a fight
with this fictionary man,
and hes not punching me hard enough
to make me go mental and win.
Lets do an experiment, Barry.
Well have a fight right now.
When you start losing
and youre not doing very well,
you punch yourself in the face,
go mental and start winning.
- Show them all how it works.
- Im not gonna punch myself.
Why not? Youre the Muslims.
Youre getting attacked.
Go fucking mental, Barry.
Show 'em how it works.
- Come on.
- Im not a mosque!
This is not how it works!
Punch yourself, Baz.
Bomb the mosque, Barry!
Bomb it!
Bomb the mosque!
Bomb the mosque, Barry!
Hes bombed the mosque!
Hes just bombed the mosque!
Barry, where are the moderates?
The moderates should be coming now.
Right, if I was a mosque,
which I am not,
then there would be all moderates
behind my nose,
bursting to come out and rise up.
Would there?
Ooh, they are, bro, eh?
Barry, the Sufi Muslim Council s
coming out your nose.
Oh, youve just wiped them out.
Youve just wiped them out.
Do you think we should still
bomb the mosque, Barry?
- Come back.
- Barry, I got you a J-cloth for the...
- Oooh!
- Barry!
For fucks sake, Barry!
Oi! Oi!
Turn that off.
Theres common areas out there.
We got to play it, Barry.
This is our cover, man. Were a band.
- Were a what?
- Were a band.
Bollocks! Turn it off.
Bro, turn it off.
Whats with the chicken?
Its beard protection from the bleach.
Yeah, hes the drummer, man.
- Chicken drummer.
- Yeah, Barry.
You broke the chickens beak, didnt you?
Remember?
Yeah, Barry, you broke his beak.
Yeah, well, Im sorry,
but beaks get broken in war, dont they?
- Do they?
- Yeah, they do.
Were not about protecting beaks,
were about blowing them off.
Yeah?
Well, go and unload the van.
Im not doing all the work.
Waj! Waj!
Anti-surveillance.
Not you, mate, youre still here.
Get in there.
- What are you doing?
- Just in case theyre taking pictures.
- What?
- Barry says you come out blurry.
Right, stop it!
Stop it!
CCTVs a video.
Youre just gonna look
like a bunch of Sufis on speed.
Next time Barry tells you
to do something, dont.
- You all right, Alice? Hows it going.
- All right, Wasim? Yeah.
- Are you good?
- Yeah.
- All right, Jason?
- All right.
Whos this one?
This is... Claude.
Claude, this is Alice.
Shes got the flat next door.
- Hello, Claude.
- Hi.
- Whats this?
- Claudes the new member of our band.
- Band?
- Hes the new member.
- I used to be in a band.
- Did you?
Yeah.
Until all the birds fell off the roof...
I dont know if you remember.
All right, then, Alice,
well see you later. Come on, lads.
Come through.
- Which one are you?
- Er, Claude.
- Claude?
- Yeah.
Are you French?
Yeah.
See you.
Right, Mister Newsman
in the newsroom, after three.
Three, two, one...
Yes, it was us.
We have struck you
where you least expected it.
We have bombed the mosque.
Only in the days of the final jihad...
What are you doing here?
Well, you told us to come round.
Weve just come through the back.
Anti-surveillance, like you said.
Right, well, Im doing my tape.
But were not bombing the mosque.
- What?
- Were not bombing the mosque.
Look, Im just doing this tape in case
the plans change to bomb the mosque.
If they did change, isnt the whole
point of it to blame it on the kuffar
and not take responsibility for it?
What do you know about it?
It was my idea in the first place, not yours!
Now, fuck off!
Im doing my tape. Go on.
All right, Barry?
- What, youre here as well?
- Yeah. Why? Whats going on?
He said he was going to bomb
the mosque.
- Did you say that, Barry?
- No.
- Yeah, you did.
- No, I didn't.
- What did you say, then?
- I said I was gonna bomb something else.
What did you say you were gonna bomb?
Hm?
Fuck off!
Fuck off out of my house!
Oh, Barry, you moron.
- Salaam, Ahmed.
- Alaykum salaam.
- Omar, its your brother. Come in.
- No, Im OK.
Just come in and sit down.
- Salaam Alaykum.
- Alaykum salaam.
Just come in and sit down.
Im not in the same room.
You can come in.
You are.
Im not.
The wall has been taken out, so you are.
Have you come to drop some fatwas,
cos weve just had the carpet cleaned?
Not in this house, bro.
- Freeze or Ill blow your guts out.
- All right, go easy.
OK. Right, come on!
Youve got 30 seconds!
- What are you teaching him, Omar?
- Its a water pistol. Have you lost it?
Have you got 150 quotes from scholars
saying we cant squirt a water pistol?
There is no justification
for what you are planning.
- What am I planning, bro?
- You tell me.
- Want to know what I am planning?
- Yeah.
Sure you can handle it, bro?
Yeah? You ready?
Its not a proper plan yet, yeah?
But Im thinking, inshallah,
Im going to go upstairs
and run a hot bath, right?
Then come back down
and make beans on toast. Im proper hungry.
- Very funny.
- What?
Is it, bro? Have you got opinions
to back that up?
I have got 18 opinions, all very good ones.
You know what? Its not Top Trumps.
Muslims are getting pasted and you go,
'Ive got 60,000 opinions
saying we cant fight back.
'We must measure our beard with a ruler
and lock our wives in cupboard! '
Thats not a joke, is it, bro?
It is not a cupboard, it is a small room.
Oh, come on. It was a flipping toilet
till you took the china out.
I dont argue with women.
No, you dont.
You lock em in a cupboard.
Omar, your wife is out of control.
I dont know how to control her.
Help me out.
Am I... Am I out of control? Ooh.
Do it again. He wont fight back.
- What am I like? Im out of control.
- Obey me, wife. Obey me.
Go and do it.
Fight back, brother!
Whats all the violence, brother?
- Are you fighting back?
- This is not fighting.
- By the law of Sharia, I am not fighting.
- Youre a proper Mujahid!
By the law...
- I am not fighting.
- Youre so violent, bro!
Hey, Omar.
- Youre terrible, you are.
- Im out of control.
Arent you, eh?
- Thats twice as much, bro.
- This ones gonna leave a mark.
Just drop it.
Ooh!
Shit, man!
- Come on, bro. Give me that.
- Jew.
Gay.
Fed.
Sodomite.
Gynaecologist.
Innocent bloke. Doesnt exist.
Leonard Cohen.
Here, you give me that.
You do some work.
This ones gonna be
like a grenade, man.
- Oh, bro.
- Here, watch this.
Watch this, bro!
Come on, lads. Why dont we just
pick up the phone and call the cops?
Right? Come on.
- Sorry, man.
- Sorry, bro.
We dont have to use that
on ourselves, do we, Barry?
- Course we do, bro.
- But its our choice, right?
- Fess? Fess?
- What?
It is your choice.
Right? It can only be your choice.
Right, yeah.
- Fess. Fess.
- What?
It is your choice, right,
but youve chosen
to blow yourself up, havent you?
Havent you?
Mashallah, brother Crow.
Mashallah.
Youre doing this, right,
to save brother Faisal.
And I know its come
as a bit of a shock to you,
but everything will be all right.
Yeah? OK.
You see that over there?
That...
Thats a sex shop. Right?
A US embassy,
or some other such slag utility.
Right, now wait there.
When I say, you fly to the target.
When I dial this,
you go to heaven, brother Crow.
Inshallah.
Yeah.
Whats that?
Whats that, Mrs. Thistle?
No, I dont want to resit
my media studies.
Stupid Mrs. Thistle,
I dont want to retake it.
You know why?
Cos Ive found a new purpose in life.
And here it is. Eat that shit!
Eat that. Eat that. You fuck...
Come on, lads. Lets go.
Salaam alaykum.
- Alaykum salaam.
- You all right? Where are they?
Theyve all gone, man.
Theyre using the fireworks for cover.
Yeah, I know that. That was my idea.
Why didnt they wait for me?
- Barry said that you said, 'Go ahead. '
- Did he?
- Im just on night shift.
- Yeah, you are, bro.
If anybody comes knocking for Barry,
tell them you used to know him...
Can I come?
Dont drop it, you prick!
Brother Faisal, if you drop this,
were baked beans from here to Derby.
- Slowly, slowly.
- Oh!
- Its good.
- All right.
- Good, good.
- Lets get out of here.
- OK.
- Come on. Im gonna blow it.
- Ready?
- All right.
Is it gonna be loud?
Did you see that?
Fucking good, Barry. Fucking good.
That were proper good!
- Well done, Barry.
- Whats up?
Did you miss it, bro?
Did you miss it, bro?
I told you before, Barry, didnt I?
What were you lads playing at?
- Why didnt you call me, Waj? Eh?
- I didnt have no credit.
This breaks anti-surveillance protocol.
We shouldnt be back here till tomorrow.
The protocol is that you were supposed
to stay here and guard the flat, Barry,
cos theres a good chance
that you are being monitored.
Is that an Islamic argument, brother?
I only listen to Islamic arguments.
That was my microwave, Barry.
I had it ten years, that Matsui.
I shouldve been there.
Your microwave
has been well sacrificed.
Dont screw with my jihad.
Im telling you for the last time.
- Your jihad? You said 'my jihad '.
- Our jihad. Dont screw with it.
- Our jihad.
- What did he say, Fess?
- Did he say 'my jihad '?
- What difference does it make?
- You said 'my jihad '.
- So what? This is such a small thing.
Hey!
Come and have a look at this.
# Dancing in the moonlight
# Everybodys feeling warm and bright...
Hass!
Claude!
Shit!
Right, its time to go now, Alice.
Why? Whats going on?
Nothing. We just need you to go.
Oh.
Oh, I get it.
I know whats going on here.
I know what you lot are.
You lot...
are a bunch of Paki-bashers.
- What?
- Mountie boys. Gays.
- Yes, we are so gay.
- Im not.
Yes, you are. We all are.
But mainly its these two.
Isnt it, Norman?
- Yes.
- Yeah, you love it, dont you?
Weve got to get down
to some gay business now, all of us.
You lot arent my friends any more.
Safe, is he?
She didnt see anything, man.
I swear to God, she didnt see the...
The bolts and the...
Ill sort this out.
Ill sort it out, man.
Just give me a minute.
Ill go down and sort this shit out.
You are going to sort it out
cos youre going to kill her.
Kill her?
Were gonna kill her?
Not us, Waj. Hass.
You want me to kill her?
You can fuck her, but you cant kill her?
Whats wrong with you?
Give him your pocket knife, Barry.
There we go. There. Knife and fork.
Make a fucking meal of it.
Im not joking, bro.
Do I look like Im joking?
No. Now go on your way.
How do I do it?
Cut her head off
and bring it back in a bucket.
Chop her head off?
Were not really gonna kill her, are we?
You fucking idiot!
Why dont we just call up the pigs
and dob ourselves in.
That d be clever.
A body on our hands to trail back to us.
Shut up!
What are we gonna do with all this?
Shes seen it now.
Weve got to move it now.
- Were gonna put it in Barrys allotment.
- Well put it...
Shut up, Barry. Solved.
Problem solved.
Daddys come home
and wiped everyones arse, hasnt he?
Thats what jihads about.
Its me wiping your arses.
Oh, sorry. One minute. Hello, Gaza?
Yeah, Omar would love to come
and help but he can t, hes really busy
wiping up the fountains of shit
spraying out the arses of these...
OK, thank you.
Who were on the phone?
Slow down, please.
Get us there in one piece, Barry.
Go easy.
Go easy!
Oh! Oh!
Dont rattle the stuff, Barry.
Slow down, man.
Use your eyes, boys.
Weve got a predator.
What, the milk float?
- Thats a milk float!
- The Feds work undercover, you mug!
No, no.
No, no!
No, dont do this to me!
Come on!
Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck it!
- Did you fix this, then, Barry?
- Yes, I fixed it!
- Did you?
- Its the parts. Theyre Jewish.
What parts in a car are Jewish?
- Spark plugs?
- Spark plugs.
Jews invented spark plugs
to control global traffic.
Right, everybody calm down.
Were gonna grab the gear and walk.
All right, but check the roofs, boys.
There could still be an ambush.
Careful, careful with that. Watch out.
Easy does it. Just act natural. OK?
One jolt
and this stuff could go, right?
You got to run smooth, right?
You got to run fast,
but you got to run smooth, right?
Like this, right?
This is fast but slow,
smooth but fast.
Barry, were fine! Lads, were fine!
Theres no need for any of this.
Were fine, are we?
Were fucking surrounded. Look.
- Everybody get off the road.
- Omar!
Anybody talks, Im gonna make them
jump up and down till they go bang.
Just keep your mouths shut
and let me deal with this, all right?
Hey, man. Hows it going?
Nice little one-pack
you got going on there, bro.
Youre a pint of sauce, Omar.
Have you managed to run a mile yet
without stopping for a milkshake?
- Make that 12 miles. All right, lads?
- All right.
Whats with the bags?
- Shopping.
- Marzipan.
- Toys.
- Chicken.
- Were about to go and play football.
- Yeah?
We should grab all this kit
and head down there to the pitch.
- Yeah.
- All right, bro.
Right. See you in a bit, man.
Hey, lads. Wait, look.
You forgot this.
- Hey! Hey!
- Aahh!
Whats that?
That bags full of really fragile...
boots.
- Are they all right?
- Yeah. Thats just thigh exercises.
- What?
- Quad squats. You know, squat jogs.
Its just... Its for the marathon.
I thought you d know.
- Yeah? Squat jogs?
- Yeah.
All right, man. See you in a bit.
Like that.
- Squat jogs, yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Down?
- Bit lower.
- Safe-age, mate!
- All right, man.
- Take care, man.
- Yeah, yeah.
- All right, brothers?
- Oh, Alhamdulillah, bro.
- Yeah.
- We skilled it.
Wheres Faisal?
Hey, boys.
Boys, come and have a look at this.
Can you see him?
Hey, bro!
Run!
Hey, brother Faisal!
Over the wall, Faisal!
- Yeah, run faster, bro!
- Yeah, but not too fast!
Where is he?
- It was a martyrs death.
- Gone to paradise, innit, brother Omar?
- He disrupted the infrastructure.
- How did he do that?
He took out a sheep.
Magnificently took it right out.
Did he?
- Attacked the food supply.
- Some of its in there... with him.
- What?
- I couldnt separate it.
So what is he, lads?
Is he a martyr or is he a fucking jalfrezi?
- Hes a martyr.
- Right, this is bullshit!
- He is not a martyr.
- Yes, he is. Hes part of the war.
What war?
The war on kuffar sheep?
- Hes the first hero of the final jihad.
- Hes not a hero, hes a dickhead.
And so are you, youre all dickheads.
Whoa, brother. That is out of order.
Ive made a decision, Barry.
The missions off.
Its finished, Im done with this.
You cant handle the war, brother.
Youre having a wobble.
Ive got nothing to have a wobble about.
My conscience is clear.
- Youre the one who killed Faisal!
- I didnt kill him!
Yes, you did, you brought TV Paki in
after you saw him
making an arse out of himself
at a public meeting
you shouldnt even have been at.
And he blew our cover.
Ever since then,
youve had everybody so paranoid,
poor little Faisal s
panicked himself to death.
- So really Hassan killed him.
- No, you killed him.
No, you killed him.
You heard what he said.
- You killed him more.
- I thought it was a good thing he died.
Isnt he a martyr?
Its a good thing, right?
All right, I did kill him, then.
I martyred him. Hes up there now,
keeping my seat warm.
- Come on, our kid, lets go.
- I think I martyred him a bit, too.
What?
- We got to keep on.
- You got a plan, Waj?
- Blow something up.
- What are we going to blow up, Waj?
Internet.
Well blow up the internet
for brother Faisal.
Were mujahid, brother, yeah?
Rubber Dinghy Rapids, yeah?
Youre not a mujahid.
Youre a fucking idiot.
Do you think a real mujahid gives a fuck
about Rubber Dinghy Rapids
and gets his deen from
The Cat That Went To Mecca,
a book he cant finish
cos its far too fucking advanced for him?
I tell you what, Ive got a plan for you.
Why dont you go with...
...and lose yourself in the forest?
Omar!
Salaam, Omar.
Salaam alaykum, bro.
You and your boys look like...
something rubbish.
You all right, Omar?
Yeah, yeah. I am, as it goes.
- Listen, can I ask you something?
- Why not, brother?
Screw it, doesnt matter.
Youve already started doing the face.
Why not come to our study group, Omar?
What, and get a four-hour dose of that face?
The floaty face of the wise bird,
hovering on a million quotes,
about to do a massive wisdom shit
on my head.
Forget it.
Omar, what are you doing?
Its the middle of the night.
What is that?
- Its a puffin party.
- A what?
- Its a puffin party.
- A puffin party?
- Im talking to Wajs puffin.
- Omar, what are you talking about?
Its the boys. Ive left them.
Now Hassans puffin wont talk to me,
Wajs puffins just told me to piss off,
Barrys puffins turned all red
and is hiding under the pirate hat.
Faisals dead.
Hes dead. They...
He was carrying explosives
and he tripped up over a sheep.
Theyre total idiots, Sof.
Well, it must have been Gods plan
for him to be blown up on a sheep.
Come on, Sof.
How can that be Gods plan?
Well, it cant be Gods plan
to leave the lads with Barry, can it?
Come here.
You were much more fun when
you were gonna blow yourself up, love.
I am gonna blow myself up, right?
Just not in a mosque
or in a chemists or on top of a duck.
Right, well, if theyre gonna blow
themselves up in the wrong place,
youve got to make sure
you all blow up in the right place.
Sof, I cant even get them to stir their tea
without smashing a window.
What does your heart say, hmm?
Gods in your heart, Dad.
Oi, you, come here.
Sorry, I heard talking.
Can we finish off
the story about Simbas jihad?
Yeah, we can do that tomorrow.
Come on, off to bed.
Does he become a martyr, eh, Dad?
Dont you worry,
cos even if he gets blown to bits,
hes gonna die smiling.
- Hell go straight to heaven.
- Yeah.
Hell be in heaven
before his head hits the ceiling.
An Asian mans head was found less
than 2 miles from the city centre today.
Steven Fap discovered
the Asian mans head
when it nearly fell onto his dog out of a tree.
A head fell out of the tree
and nearly hit my dog.
The man has not been identified,
but it seems that he may have died
while trying to cause an explosion.
- Yo, Matt... Is Matt here?
- Hes in the back.
- Terry, step outside, bro.
- Say that again.
I need you to go outside.
Get a doughnut.
- Ive got one.
- Get another one.
- Matt?
- Oh, thanks!
- Omar?
- Yeah, mate.
- Can you can help me with this?
- I got to ask you something first.
I booked a clown and they gave me this.
Its the wrong way up.
I cant run in a wrong-way-up clown!
They said, 'You ordered it. '
- Why would I order a wrong-way-up clown?
- Its fine.
- I can sort you out.
- I didnt even know what one was.
I can sort you out with another costume
so you can do the marathon.
I said, 'Youre gonna cause
a pile -up at the marathon with me
'flat to my arse in a costume
I cant even bloody believe exists. '
Ive got you a rabbit costume at home.
You can run the marathon in that.
- Can I run in a rabbit?
- Course you can.
Its amazing. Its a rabbit, right?
Panic over. Done?
- Yes, Im sorry.
- Ive got to ask you something.
Have you?
Have you seen the news?
- Yeah, the head.
- What do you know about that?
Well, theyre just saying its jihadi.
Theyve got him.
Filmed him blowing up a crow.
Its not jihadi, though, is it, Omar,
blowing up a crow?
Omar?
No, its a cultural thing. We bazooka-ed
an ostrich at that wedding I was at.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, I... Ive got to go, Matt.
Shit!
God help us.
- Thats the police, man.
- All right. Arm yourselves.
All right?
- Oi.
- Get out of my way, Barry.
Oi! Fuck off out the back door!
Youre not part of this now.
Lads, this is an emergency.
They found Faisals head.
The head that you buried 5 feet
underneath your shed
fell out of a tree onto a dog.
Good. Dogs contradict Islam.
Dibble is onto us, lads.
- Dibble is on to us.
- I told you, it was a knee.
That was a head.
It was obviously a head.
It had a hinge!
Right. So, Ive just seen Matt.
Matt is running
the London marathon tomorrow.
Hes doing it in costume.
You know they run in costume?
Well, so can we.
We can disguise the gear in there
and its perfect.
Weve got live TV,
prime targets all along the road.
Weve got a target, Omar.
Its the mosque.
When you meet God,
do you want to tell him,
'I struck a blow for the brothers '?
- Or 'I blew a load of them up '?
- Blew a load of em up. Hell love that.
Come on, lads. Waj?
Im not on your side any more, brother Omar.
- You ripped me up, bro.
- Mashallah.
Waj, bro...
Im really sorry.
My head was in a mess cos of Faisal.
I shouldve stayed.
Why didnt you, then?
Cos I made a mistake.
But you didn't. You listened to your heart
and you did the right thing.
No, ignore him, Waj. Hes being nice.
You cannot win an argument
just by being nice.
Not just by being nice, Baz.
Im right as well, arent I?
You cannot win an argument
just by being right.
- No?
- No. No way.
- I think maybe you can, Barry?
- Who asked you, fuck -brain?
Barrys not a good emir, brother Omar.
He made me do bad stuff in the woods.
Like what?
He said, if I was a proper mujahid,
I d wiz in my own mouth.
You made him wee in his own gob?
What is wrong with you, bro?
Its submission.
Its the rules of submission.
It felt really bad, brother.
Its not too tricky
once you get the aim right,
but it just feels like really proper wrong.
All wee splashing off your teeth.
Bro, I swear, bro,
I may ask you to blow yourself up
but I will never ask you
to piss in your own mouth.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, bro. Promise.
- No more widdle in my gob.
- Promise, bro.
Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
Rubber Dinghy Rapids, brother.
Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
See this, brother Hass?
Its gays at work.
Its not Muslims, its gays.
OK, brother Hass,
marathon or mosque?
- Either way, were gonna blow, right?
- Yeah, to pieces, brother.
Yeah, but... we die smiling, bro.
Yeah, wicked.
Wicked. Yeah, man.
Lets blow up a load of fit slags
at the marathon, yeah?
Oh, yes!
Yes, bro.
Wicked. Yes!
Come on, Barry. Were lions, bro.
- Four lions.
- Yes!
Good lad.
Down on the floor!
Ill be two minutes.
Whats it concerning?
We trying to ascertain the whereabouts
of your brother-in-law.
Why, whats up?
Tell us when you saw him last.
Well...
I cant remember
the last time I saw him.
Right, nurse, still on shift? Sorry.
So, Ive got the stats back
from cubicle seven.
They need some more blood supplies
for the knee.
The what?
Yes, the knee string.
The knee strings come off.
Hm.
Ive finished my shift now.
So Im going to take my team
up to the top floor.
- Right?
- OK.
So Ill see you up there.
Yeah?
- OK.
- Yeah?
You all right, lads.
You going to arrest me?
- No, no.
- Carry on.
OK.
Right, so your brother-in-law,
when was the last time you saw him?
Er, like I said, about two months ago.
#Dancing in the moonlight
#Everybody's feeling warm and bright
#Such a fine and natural sight
#Everybody's dancing in the moonlight...
Come on lads, were late.
- Is it all right?
- Its all right there now.
- Yeah.
- Right, were nearly done, our kid.
Yeah, nearly done.
- OK?
- Yeah.
Mujahid, brothers!
- Mujahid.
- Mujahid, brother Hassan.
Mujahid!
Defo right thing, yeah, bro?
What?
Blowing up kuffar and that?
- Totally legit, yeah?
- Yeah.
Good. Wicked.
I was just... just checking and that.
Waj, dont listen to your brain, bro.
OK? The shaitan,
he gets in there with his wasa-wasa.
What youve got to do, youve got to
listen to your heart. Remember?
- My heart. Yeah, brother Omar.
- So, what does your heart say?
It says, er...
'Its wrong, Waj, dont do it. '
And what does your brain say?
'Were here...
'... together, strapped up,
'and it would be, like,
well pathetic to cop out now. '
Right, um...
- So he should listen to his brain.
- No, hes got to listen to his heart, Barry.
Anyway, this is Wajs brain.
Since when do we listen to Wajs brain?
- Sorry, bro.
- No, I agree. Im thick as fudge.
His brain says do it,
so his brains got to be right!
That cant be his brain, right?
Thats his heart, Barry.
- Feels like my brain, brother.
- OK, this is whats happened.
Whats happened is,
the shaitan has confused you.
Hes swapped round
your brain and your heart.
So, dont listen
to what you think is your heart,
cos thats actually your brain -
in disguise as your heart.
Right? And what you thought
was your brain,
that s... thats your heart.
Thats actually your heart.
My brain is my heart.
You got it, our kid. So just...
Whats up there?
Heart.
OK? Yeah? Follow your heart.
Nice one, brother.
- Right?
- Nice one. Alhamdulillah.
- Hey, hey!
- What?
Oh, behn choad!
Were doing a fun run for a kids charity.
Stretches, stretches, stretches.
- Were running for charity.
- What kind of charity?
- For kids.
- What kind of kids?
Policemens kids.
You all right, officer?
- Late for the fun run, lads?
- Whats it to you?
Yeah, we are, actually. Do you know
how we can get to the red zone?
You cant run in that, can you?
He just drew the short straw.
Four short straws were there?
Red zone? Its back down there, left.
Second left again, then theres marshals.
Theyll tell you where to park.
Thank you.
Youre gonna die in that gear, lads.
- Thats more than likely.
- Proper likely.
Were all going to die, yeah.
Its all for a good cause, though.
Well, good luck.
Have a good day.
Everybody OK?
Everybody strapped up?
Got your detonator on?
Hass, you got your number?
Hass, have you got your number?
Hey!
- Where the fuck has he gone?
- Shit!
What the fucks he doing?
Help! Help!
- Im accidentally a suicide bomber!
- Stop!
- Ive got a bomb!
- Hes bottled it.
Its the costume.
The legs make the hands go up.
- Ive got a bomb but its a mistake!
- No, he said hes got a bomb.
- Youve got a bomb?
- Yeah, but Im not a bomber!
Dont worry.
- This is a fucking bad prank, mate!
- No, no!
No, Im real, but not anymore.
Youre real but not anymore?
I dont understand.
Have you got a bomb?
Yes, but its not going to go off.
- How do I know that?
- Look.
Weve got to go, now.
We need to go, now.
Now!
Go! Come on, go!
Waj, try and find some targets.
Ill see you on the top floor, our kid.
Radisson-style penthouse suite!
Smooth running, Waj.
'Smooth running, Waj.
Smooth running. '
- You killed Hassan!
- He bottled.
You took away his choice.
You de-martyred him.
Did Waj have a choice
when you told him
his heart was his brain
and his gob was his ring piece?
You tomatoed your friend.
- Barry...
- Youve killed the special-needs donkey.
No, I haven t.
Let him blow!
Let the retard blow!
Fuck!
Oi, you, stop!
All right, bro?
Hey!
Stay there!
Im fucking loaded! Yeah?
No messing now, yeah?
Thats it. Stay there.
Shut it. Shut the metal. Shut it.
Shut it!
Right, lads. See this, yeah?
Any of you do anything,
were all turning baked beans, all right?
No fucking messing now. Yeah?
Target confirmations are
ostrich and grizzly bear.
Ostrich and grizzly bear are the targets.
The bear is down. Repeat,
the bear is down. I got the bear.
I think thats a wookie.
Thats a wookie.
No, its not, its a bear.
Is a wookie a bear, control?
The bear target has changed.
Target bear is now target Honey Monster.
Is a honey monster a bear?
A honey monster is not a bear.
A honey monster is a bear.
The honey monster is down.
He was a target. He was a bear.
The honey monster is down?
The honey monster is not down, control.
We have a wookie down.
- What's a wookie?
- A bear. Its a bear!
No, it is a wookie.
Youve just shot it as a bear.
- Is a wookie a bear?
- Its a bear. Repeat, its a bear.
The wookie is down.
The wookie is not the target.
Well, it must be the target.
I just shot it.
Ill just finish this,
then were all off to heaven, all right?
Martyrs suite, VIP lounge.
Are you going to kill us?
Well, I might have some seconds,
but I kind of am, yeah.
Why?
For jihad, man. Kuffar and that.
But we support jihad, bro.
I cant explain it, lads, but...
If brother Omar were here,
I swear he d tell you knowledge
proper good.
- Omar?
- Waj?
- Are you in paradise, bro?
- No, bro.
- Im in a cafe. Where are you?
- Im in a kebab shop.
Ive got hostages and everything,
like Xbox Counter-Strike.
- Right, listen, Waj. Youve got to...
- Thing is, they're all brothers.
I still get points for taking them with me,
though, yeah? Like Nectar card?
Omar?
- Let them all go. Just keep one of them.
- Eh?
Just grab one of them.
Let the rest of them go, Waj.
OK.
Right, you stay.
You three can go.
Go!
OK. Now listen, Waj.
What you were saying before
about this being wrong,
you were right, it is wrong.
- I dont... What do you mean?
- For you.
For you, Waj,
doing what youre doing is wrong.
Yeah, I know. It feels really wrong, bro.
But thats why its right, yeah?
No, youre confused, bro.
Im not confused, brother.
Yes, you are confused.
I confused you.
But when Im confused,
I got my confused face.
Wait.
Bro, I just took a picture of my face.
Its defo not my confused face.
- Waj, I dont need...
- I'll send it you.
Waj. Waj, wait.
Listen to me, Waj. Wait.
'Listen to me. ' Its too late
to stick your hand up his arse now.
Aargh!
Oh!
Ah, look at the Paki Bono.
You want to call him?
You want to call
the special-needs donkey?
Here you go.
You forgot the SIM card.
Mind out. Mind out the way.
Easy, chap. OK.
Its all right, I can Heimlich.
Thats it, dont fight me.
- Wait.
- Ive done this before, sonny.
Thats it. Dont fight it.
Thats it, thats it.
And catch the peanut!
Number withheld.
I dont do 'number withheld '.
Answer it, bro.
It could be important!
Hey, yeah. Maybe I won an iPhone.
- Waj?
- Have I won?
Waj, this is Ed.
Im with Special Branch. Im just outside.
- How did you get this number?
- Waj, can we talk?
- Have you got agents at Orange?
- I'm sorry?
Youve got proper double agents
working at Orange, havent you?
I knew I should have gone to O 2.
Ive got loads of friends on O 2.
Waj, what are your demands?
I dont have any.
Excuse me, mate. Have you got
a SIM card for this phone, please?
Not for that model, but we can sort one out
for you if you want to come with me.
Can you make this work.
I need it. Is it on?
Its only a display model.
Do you want that one?
Yeah, I want it. I need it.
Gordon? Can you get that phone
for me, please, mate?
Waj, why are you doing this?
Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
Sorry?
Rubber Dinghy Rapids, bro.
Fast track.
Straight on the rides, like Alton Towers.
- No queue.
- You like funfairs then, Waj?
Its not a funfair, bro,
its a theme park.
Funfair? How old are you?
Alton Towers got a spa, bro.
- Just now.
- All right, mate.
Im doing it for you.
Would you like 12 months?
- Contract?
- Any.
- Do the call plan.
- All right, mate.
Easy, bro, easy.
Im doing it for you.
- I think Im going to go now, bro.
- Wait, Waj. What about girls?
I bet you like the ladies.
Is this your first time, bro?
Are you a virgin at this?
Please, Waj,
can we talk about girls?
You fill that out. Fill it out.
- What sort of call plan would you like?
- What?
Weve got the Labrador?
The Dragon?
- Just any?
- How about the Hermit Crab?
- Huh?
- Its 1800 free texts.
Forget it.
Ive still got your card.
OK, we can talk about girls.
Right so what sort of girls
are you into, then, Waj?
I dont know.
Ones with big jubblies and that.
- Yeah? You like them big, Waj?
- Yeah.
And nice fit arses, too, man.
Youre an arse man, arent you, Waj?
I knew you were, bro.
You 're an arse man.
You 're a massive arse man.
- What are you saying?
- Im saying youre an arse man, Waj.
You giving me batty chirps, bro?
You calling me a whammer?
- No.
- Fuck off!
Fucking Boy George!
Dont worry, brother Nabil.
Hold on to these.
When I press the clicker,
just think about taking out the kuffar.
Youll be in paradise before me, bro!
But theres no kuffar here, bro.
Yeah, but...
Brother Faisal, hes a martyr
and he only blew up a sheep.
I think you might be confused, brother.
Im not.
You look confused.
Sorry. Matt!
- Omar!
- Matt!
Yeah, man, listen.
Have you got a signal on your phone?
Yeah. What are you doing here?
Ill level with you Matt. Im Ml5.
Special undercover job. Im a spook.
What?
So whats going on?
Fathers 4 Justice.
Theyve teamed up with the Real IRA.
Its the nightmare scenario.
- Jesus.
- Yeah. Just give me five.
Fucking 'number unknown ' again.
Is that whammer cop
going straight to hell or what?
- What are you doing?
- Hello?
- Hello, Waj, bro. Its Omar.
- Omar?
Omar?
- Waj.
- Tell me what to do, bro.
I think I might be confused
but Im not sure.
Listen, bro.
You do what I do, right?
You do the same as me, OK?
Yes, brother, Ill do the same as you.
Right, OK.
Im going give myself up, bro.
- Eh?
- Im going to give myself up, bro.
Waj? Waj!
Waj? Waj?
Brother, what am I?
What am I doing, brother?
- Waj! Waj!
- What am I doing, brother?
- Pick up the phone!
- Bro, what am I doing?
All right, mate?
Im sorry, lads.
I dont really know what Im doing.
What was that?
What was that?
Are you all right?
Omar, are you all right?
Now, you stay here.
And you tell them I were smiling.
What?
Smile on my face.
Could be important.
Right... Smile.
- Is there?
- Yeah.
Where are you going?
Omar?
This is RAF Mildenhall,
but its actually Egypt.
When you entered the base,
you left Britain,
and you passed through US jurisdiction
and into this container,
which is internationally recognised
as the sovereign territory of Egypt.
You are now in Egypt.
There are some pretty hellish Egyptians
behind that door there.
They use electrodes. They use drills.
Biro refills.
Do you know what I mean?
I dont know anything about my brother.
We know a lot more
than you think we do.
All right, lets get one thing straight.
Omar Khan had nothing to do with this.
Cos I knew him and I worked with him.
Did you know
he was actually working for Ml5?
Cos he told me that himself.
The report makes crystal clear
that the police shot the right man,
but, as far as I'm aware,
the wrong man exploded.
Is that clear?
Today you felt our exploding sword
in your fat oppressor stomachs, man.
We 're the muslimeen
and we 're making terrible scenes
Now you wanna know
what the boom -boom means?
It's like Tupac said:
"When I die, I aint dead
"Fight and be slain,
die with no pain
Got shaheed in my heed,
for my creed I daheed
We are the martyrs,
you's just smashed tomatoes
- Now we've got...
- Bro? What were that?
For my creed, I daheed
Whats 'daheed ', though?
Died.
- Daheed, died. Daheed.
- Thats bollocks, man.
- Youre rhyming doolally.
- Thats clear, man.
No, no, look. In my opinion...
Look, no, man. In your opinion?
Your opinions shit, man.
With all due respect, bro,
you like Maroon 5.
What the fucks that about?
- Come here.
- Whoa, whoa!
- Come here, man.
- Im joking!
When we talk about a so-called
terrorist attack on the London marathon,
we should remember one thing:
most loud bangs are not bombs,
theyre scooters backfiring.
This footage,
taken from an American spy plane.
appears to show two trainee Mujahideens
struggling with a rocket launcher.
firing it at an Arab training camp
and accidentally blowing up
Osama bin Laden.
The western imperialist culture
has left you like materialist junkies,
mainlining iPods and Humvees
and TK Maxx into a spiritual void.
Is Mad Qadeer watching this?
- What?
- Mad Qadeer, cos he owes me 200.
Mad Qadeer, if youre watching, right,
you owe me 200.
And youre gonna pay up.
Cos Im not here right now.
Im somewhere else,
but youre still gonna pay.
Youre going to pay Saf.
Saf, if youre watching, bro,
you go round Mad Qadeers house, right,
and you get him to pay me my 200,
cos hes owed it me a long time.
He owes me money.