Four Samosas (2022) Movie Script
1
[Film projector spinning]
[Wind blowing]
-Today I'm gonna leave my
heart out on the pavement
I'll buy the gift shop
down on South Street
I'll be waiting
You find your hair ties a
string of flowers, superpowers
And if you stay
you'll find me
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo,
doo, doo, doo
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo,
doo, doo, doo
You left my heart out
on the broken train tracks
You left my heart
in the jungle gym
You left my heart on stop
of the car
And then I drove off
way too far
And then I drove off
way too farrr
Your dreams are gone
but you still hold on
Show your face
to your morning sun
Your hopes are lost
but you still won't come
You flash a smile
to your dearest one
Could of, would have,
should of
Could of, would have,
should of
Could of done the same again
Da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
-Believe it or not,
this is actually a love story.
Or maybe it's a story
about finding your voice again
after you've smashed it
so deep down inside of yourself
and made it so small and hard
that even you can
hear it no more.
Well, maybe it's just a story
about stories.
Now, this one, this is a really
nice Banarasi sari.
It's got your
classic motifs,
but with some modern touches.
Now, if I was a royal king
of Rajput or something
and my queen came in
wearing this piece of fire,
I'd be like, "Alright,
now we're talking."
[Laughs]
But then you could always go...
Kasavu.
You can never go wrong
when you go Kasavu.
I mean, it's deceptively simple.
But I'm telling you, man,
it is stylin'.
So, why don't you
check them all out?
There's some in there
in the back for you,
and see which one hits you
where it hurts.
-Okay. Thank you.
-Yeah, you're welcome.
[Sighs]
Pushpa.
[Chair wheels clacking]
I've been testing out
some new rhymes
You want to hear them.
Okay, cool.
[Sighs]
They're still rough,
but check this.
[Snapping fingers]
What's up?
This is big boy Vin,
and I'mma sing us in
I ain't no poggle,
I'm a smart ass muggle
Fresh, grown up, ain't sippin'
on no baby cup
No more school,
be chillin' by the pool
Don't got a GPA that
lets you call me a fool
I don't need college,
got a higher kind of knowledge
Is swinging on the streets,
is slippin' in these beats
So quarantine
your counselors
And all your college
chancellors
I'mma live your fantasy,
incorporate my entities
Rap around the edges
of my educated frenemies
Sing it
Yeah, sing it
Sing it, sing it, sing it
Sing
What do you think?
No, no, you're right.
Need some work.
I don't know.
I don't know
why it's not happening.
I know that ever since Rina
broke up with me,
I ain't been feelin' it.
I know it was three years ago,
but I keep telling you,
pain's got its own clock, yo.
Anyway, I'mma hit up
the chat house.
Want a snack?
Dosa?
Panipuri? Bhel puri?
Dahi puri? Chana chaat?
Delhi chaat, Samosa?
Dhokla?
You don't want dhokla?
[Chuckles]
Suit yourself.
I don't need college,
got a higher kind of polish
I ain't your mother's
knowledge
-Hey, guy.
Hey, little cos.
You chillin'?
-Chillin'
You chillin'?
-Chillin'.
-So?
-So?
-Are you gonna do the show
or what?
-What show?
Little India Cultural Show.
-Auditions are in
a couple of days.
You should try out.
-Yeah.
You know, I'm not ready
to release these new rhymes.
I'm still rollin' them,
moldin' 'em, shapin' 'em.
I'm in a process, yo.
Yeah. Yeah, I hear you, bro,
but like, sometimes
you want to put
the process in a town square.
-Yeah, yeah, I know.
-You're the one
who told me that.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, I did.
It's just...
[Sighs]
I don't know.
I got to find me a new style.
-Yeah, I feel you, bro.
-So, what about you?
You gonna lay down
at this thing?
Yeah, cos.
I got this new track.
Can you come
by the pizza place later
and give me some notes?
-Sure, I got you.
-Cool.
[ Bullet ricochets ]
-Damn
Damn.
Sunny!
-Yo.
-Hey.
-[ Sonny ]
-Which one's this?
-"Sunny and Salim,"
a Bollywood classic.
A pair of twins
separated at birth.
One becomes a cop,
the other a criminal.
Then they join forces
to find their mother's killer.
-That's the same actor, right?
-He plays a double role.
When he has the mustache,
his Salim.
When he doesn't, he's Sunny.
-That's genius.
[Bell chimes]
-I-I think she likes me.
-You think?
-Hi.
-Hey.
-Hi.
-Hey.
Hi.
-Hey.
-Can we move this along already?
-Oh, yeah.
The Great Little India Times.
It's a free newspaper.
-Never heard of it.
-You should have,
because it's great,
even though it's only a little.
We cover lots of social causes.
I'm the publisher
and the editor.
I also write all the articles.
I do a lot of stuff.
-Did you want to leave a stack?
-Oh, my gosh. Can I?
-Yeah, sure.
-Cool.
And maybe one day, I can write
an article about you too,
for the entertainment section.
[Door opens, bell chimes]
-Look what the wind farted in.
-Mr. Juneja, welcome.
Good to see you.
Please sit.
-Did you see that?
You see how we ignored me?
It's like it doesn't
even know who I am.
-I don't think he does
know who you are.
-I dated his daughter.
I went out
for dinners with him.
How could he not know who I am?
-It was three years ago.
-That don't matter.
You know how it really
makes his money, right?
-Yeah, the grocery store.
-That's just a front.
He smuggles
in uncertified diamonds.
You know what they call those?
Dirty diamonds.
What's he doing here, anyway?
-He's sponsoring the food at the
Little India Cultural Show
to celebrate
his big announcement.
-What announcement?
-You haven't heard?
-Heard what?
-Uh, Rina...
-Rina what?
-Yeah, Rina what?
-Rina got engaged.
-Rina got engaged?!
-Rina got engaged?
[Tires screech in distance]
-Why didn't she tell me?
She should have told me.
-I got your back.
[Indistinct conversation]
[Door chimes]
[Door closes]
-I don't know who Rina is.
-Sanjay?
-[Chuckles] If it isn't
the American born
confused loser?
-I thought they sent you back
to your village
so you could
become a goat dung expert?
-Oh, mission accomplished, bro.
You're looking at the number one
rate officer of [indistinct]
excrement in the district
of Ludhiana.
And, now, now I just come back
to claim my prize.
-What? You?
You're marrying Rina?!
-What can I say?
The girl wants a future,
and the future
is goat shit.
And I'm the GOAof goat shit.
-No way.
I'm not going to
let that happen.
-[Chuckling ] Are you going
to try to stop it?
-Yeah, I think I am gonna
try and stop it.
-Really, really?
You're gonna try to stop it?
-Absolutely!
I know I can stop it!
-Billu!
You don't come out
and block me.
This is Billu.
I brought him in my luggage.
You see, I'm a big shot now.
And you're still a tiny, tiny,
tiny loser of a shot.
Let's go.
Billu, I said, let's go, huh?
I said go.
Billu, go to the car.
C-A-R.
-You're engaged to Sanjay?
-Maybe.
-You is or you isn't.
So, is it or isn't?
-What if it is?
You and I broke up
three years ago.
It's none of your business.
-Of course it's my business.
We were meant
to be together forever.
-Then how come we're not?
-Well, because you never
believed that I was
good enough for you,
and your moneybags daddy.
-You never believed you were
good enough for me
and my moneybags daddy.
-What does that mean?
-[Chuckles]
You were so insecure.
-Was not.
-You was, too.
You were always testing me,
making sure I knew
where the door was in case
I decided to leave.
-Yeah, and you did leave.
-Because I got tired
of waiting for you
to realize you might deserve me.
But you never realized,
which meant you didn't.
-That makes no sense.
-Life makes no sense.
But still we persist.
-But to that guy?
The king of goat shit?
-Goat shit or bullshit.
It's all shit.
And love is dead anyways.
-You don't really believe that.
[Talking on radio]
-I can't believe
she's doing this.
How could you get engaged
to that guy?
-What?
-I said I can't believe
she's doing this to me.
-It's your own fault.
-Oh, why is it my fault?
-You're all talk, talk, talk,
no action.
A woman likes a man of action.
Your father was a man of action.
-Oh, yeah. So full of action
he abandoned us.
-At least he did something.
While you're a rapper
who doesn't rap.
-I do things.
It's just that since
she broke up with me --
-Three years ago.
-Whatever.
I'm just --
I'm biding my time. Okay?
I'm in preparation mode
until I --
until I relaunch myself
upon the world.
-Well, you better do it quick.
You don't know how long you be
here before your time runs out.
Look at your auntie in India.
She's got bad valves.
They say she's going to die
because she can't afford
the operation.
-What? Which auntie.
-[Indistinct]
-Is it the Bengaluru auntie?
-No, that's Kalyani auntie.
She's already dead.
Kalyani auntie lives in Chennai.
-She's going to die because
she can't afford an operation?
-Apparently so.
[Exhales sharply]
What do you think so far?
-What even is it?
-It's a crown for King Ashoka.
-King who?
-King Ashoka,
India's greatest emperor.
He slaughtered
thousands of people,
then felt bad about it,
making him Buddhist.
-Why are you making him crowns.
-For the histrionic society.
They're auditioning
for the culture show
with the play about him.
-Shit.
I told Nikki I give her notes
on her song.
-Now there's a rapper
who's actually rapping.
So hello to my niece.
-[Echoing] Stylin'
Let it
Stylin'
[Bell dings]
-Hey, guy.
[Snaps finger]
-What do you want?
-Sign our petition,
and you get a free,
sweet lentil bowl.
-You mean a laddu?
-Exactly, a laddu.
-What's it for?
-It's a petition saying
we want to reappropriate
this tract of land
and declare it the independent
South Asian state of Aisetra.
-Um, Aisetra is just Artesia
spelled backwards anyway.
Anyway, Aisetra will
be the chivalrous
51st state of America.
-And we're going to build
a palace on this land.
We've got the tools
and everything.
[Tools clatter]
-No, I ain't signing this.
This is America,
and I want to keep it that way.
-What's up?
You got culture shame?
-No, but if I wanted
to live in South Asia,
then I'd go live in South Asia.
-What about a laddu
You don't want to free laddus?
-I don't like laddus.
-These are my dad's laddus,
sellout!
Yeah, they're her dad's
laddus, sellout!
-It's gonna pizza,
it's gonna be a P
Pepperoni, pepperoni,
pepperoni, pepperoni
Pepperoni, pepperoni,
pepperoni, pepperoni
It's gonna be a pizza,
it's gonna be a P
Pepperoni, pepperoni,
pepperoni, pepperoni
Pepperoni, pepperoni,
pepperoni, pepperoni
It's gonna be a pizza,
it's gonna be a P
Get a life, get a life,
get a life
[Feedback]
[Applause]
-That was wild, cos
-Thanks.
You got any notes?
-Maybe switch it up a little,
maybe add some
different topics.
-Yeah, cool.
-Inspirational, though.
I feel inspired.
-Yeah? Which part?
-All of it.
The get a life bit though,
that resonated.
-I throw that in just now.
-Wow.
[Knock on window]
-Loser!
-Yeah.
I'm gonna get me a life.
-You want to do what?
-Reappropriate the wealth.
-What does that even mean?
-It means that it's not right
that people
like Rina's dad get rich
while good people
like my auntie are dying
because they can't afford
an operation.
-So, you want to break into
a store and steal his stuff?
-Just the stuff
he shouldn't have.
Like those dirty diamonds.
-And what are you going
to do with them?
-We're going to sell them,
and we're going to use
the money to do good
in this world.
Like getting my auntie
some new valves
and getting you a plane ticket
so you can go to Bollywood
and become an actor,
achieve your potential.
It'll be like that movie,
"Sunny and Salim."
We'll be fighting
bad guys together,
putting the world
to rights.
Huh?
-I'm in.
-What are you doing here?
-Walking my dog.
-You don't have a dog.
-Whoops
There he goes.
It's alright.
He knows how to get home.
-How much you hear?
-All of it.
And yeah, I in.
I'll help you do it.
I'm all about reapportion.
-Who said we even
needed your help?
-Oh, you do.
You just don't know it yet.
I'm good at all sorts of things.
Useful things.
And I think you'd make
a great Bollywood actor,
so you should do it, too.
-How can you say no now?
-So, that's it?
-He keeps them in his office.
-How do you know?
-Rina told me.
She says he keeps
them stuffed in a jar
and then put in a pickle
locked in his safe.
-What kind of safe is it?
-And what kind of pickle is it?
-I don't know.
-You don't know
what kind of safe it is
or what kind of pickle it is?
-I don't know either.
-Neither.
-Whatever.
But this is why we're here,
to do some reconnaissance,
work the exits
and get pictures of the safe.
-But how do we get in
to do the reconnaissance?
-Oh, I know.
We go underneath.
-Underneath?
-We start at
the flight control channel.
I jump in the river.
I'm a really good swimmer.
[Water splashes]
I'm going to locate
the underwater pipe entrance
and travel through
the drainage system.
[Cellphone beeping]
I'll be wearing one of those
locating tagging devices,
and you'll be able
to track my progress.
I'll then reappear in the Cash
and Carry loading bay,
and I'll be sure
to be really stealthy.
[Flippers clacking loudly]
I'll then don the disguise
of a chapati maker,
including requisite chef hat.
So once I'm in, I can do
all the reconnaissance required.
No, I know.
You're right.
[Speech rewinding]
Where why would I even get
a chef's hat from?
-Also, the store opens
in five minutes.
We could just walk in.
-We still got to get
in the office.
-Well, I have an idea
for that, too.
Mr. Juneja, thank you so much
for agreeing to see me.
-Who are you?
What are you talking about?
-We spoke on the phone,
remember?
I'm doing an article for the
Great Little India Times
for our community's
most successful entrepreneurs.
-I didn't speak to anybody from
the Great Little India Times.
I've never even heard
of the Great Little India Times.
-Well, you should have,
because it's great,
even though
it's only very little.
Anyway, we want to know
your secrets
for becoming
a wildly accomplished,
successful businessman,
man, man.
-Well, I suppose I could give
you a few minutes of my time,
and perhaps you could even write
about the culture show.
I'm sponsoring it, you know?
-I had no idea.
Tell me.
-Okay, she's been
in there long enough.
You ready?
-Yeah.
Yeah, I'm ready.
-Remember, she said
it's got to be big.
-I know how to go big.
[Indistinct conversations]
-Sir, you can't do that.
Get down from there.
That's not a stage.
[Whirring]
-Sunny!
-Salim.
-Sunny.
-Salim.
-Sunny.
-Salim.
-Sunny.
-Salim.
-Sunny.
-Salim.
-Sunny.
-Salim.
-Sunny.
-Salim.
-[Singing in native language]
-Double role.
God, he's good.
-[Singing in native language]
-There is certain innate skill
to be a successful businessman.
Something in your DNA,
you might say.
In fact, you can say something
about my superpower,
a certain sixth sense.
As a matter of fact --
-Oh!
What is happening over there?
-What the bloody hell?
-Ooh.
Oh, yeah. Flip that hair.
[Camera shutter clicking]
Oh, girl, you lookin' fabulous.
-Listen up,
get down right this instant.
-What's going on?
-I-I don't know, sir.
I tried to get him down.
-Get down!
-He isn't listening
-Get down this bloody --
Out! Out!
Out!
[Door opens]
Hey. The article?
What about the article?
-Oh, it's going to be great.
You've given me so much
to work with.
-You said you wanted a photo.
-Oh, I got so many photos.
-Sighs]
You get the pictures?
-Oh, yeah.
She's pretty, right?
-It's a combination safe.
-So, we can't open it
without the code?
-Let's go find someone
who can open it.
Someone with technical know how?
-You mean like a malcontent
engineer with time
on their hands
and an ax to grind?
-You know one of those?
-Nope.
-I do.
[Bell dings]
-I went to IIT,
the mother copulating
India Institute of Technology.
You know how hard
it is to get into IIT.
No. Whatever you're thinking,
exit by 20.
Oh, yes.
Now you're getting the idea.
The sacrifices
my parents had to make.
They would spoon feed me
while I studied
so I wouldn't break
my concentration.
They would have clean the shit
for my ass if they had to,
but I told them
that was going too far.
Except for that one time.
At IIT, you are fighting against
the best of the best.
If you fall, the other
students will not pick you up.
Oh, no. They are fanatic head
of the injustice system,
solid waste.
Every last one of them.
[Grunting] After I graduated,
I was offered a job in America.
[Panting, grunts]
Everyone wants to go to America.
[Grunting]
So I got an H-1B visa.
I started working here,
saving?.
[Panting]
[Grunts]
Then, I applied
for my green card.
You know what happened?
You know?
-Uh...
-10 cadaver
inseminated years ago!
[Panting]
And so here I am.
No visa, no job,
a never arriving green card,
and an inevitable
deportation summons.
And -- is stale.
[Banging on table]
So, hell yes I want to rob
some money [indistinct]
crushing diamonds.
-Great. That's great.
And you know how
to open it?
The safe?
This is it.
-Okay. I see.
Yes.
Uh-huh.
First, I will need snacks.
Lots of snacks.
[Wind blowing]
-They have to be extra tasty.
-Yes.
No. Yes.
Too plain, tasteless.
Oh, very perfect,
very yummy.
Too gassy.
Ah, two of those, and more.
That's it, more.
Coconut.
Ah, yes.
These are going
to work very well.
-How are they going to
help you open up the safe?
-They help me concentrate,
you fecal head.
But I'll also need tools,
but no renting or buying?
We don't want a paper trail.
Do you have any tools?
Huh?
Like, big mop bangin' tools?
-No, but I know
some people that do.
-You want to do what?
-We want to borrow your tools.
-Why We let you borrow
these bad girls?
-Because we need them for a job.
Once the job is done,
we'll make it worth your while.
-How about we do this?
You volunteer your countrymen
to a series of one-on-one
tournaments of chivalry
based on the ancient games
Aisetra.
[Bell dings]
-You mean Artesia
spelled backwards?
-Whatever. If you win,
you get to borrow the tools.
If we win,
you sign our petition.
-What kind of tournaments?
-[Chuckles]
[Indian music plays]
-Last dancing dancer wins.
-[Singing in native language]
[Body thuds, music stops]
-My father's laddus.
Whoever eats the most
wins the battle.
-[Chuckles]
-What? That's it.
Hey. [Smooches]
Are you going to finish those,
huh?
[Body thuds]
-Pros and cons of agrarian
versus industrialized society.
Go.
-Oh, I'll go for this.
Let me start by quoting
the World Health Organization
ending international
economic moral support --
it came out
just two years ago.
And how is the financial,
health and societal
and rapid urbanization
in relation to both nuclear
and extended family structures.
For the person...
[Overlapping talking]
In conclusion to my postscript,
which included
my initial conclusion
for [indistinct],
I would have to say
I'm very much in favor
of my postulation
from the aforementioned
conclusion's conclusion.
[Body thuds]
[Bird caws]
-So, I got to take
on both of you?
-What's the matter? You scared?
-No, I ain't scared.
This is what I do.
I'm a rapper.
I rap about stuff all the time.
-You can start.
-No, I'll let you.
-Okay, then.
[Train horn blaring in distance]
How dare you come here
on this sacred land?
This Aisetra new soil
and think you can be
A foil to this roving
Singh band
Of merry men
and kick ass women
Your blessed
I don't give you
no condition
At times you walk
and makes you beg
For your contrition
-What she says is right
You ain't down
for this fight
You come here With these
fools trying to get
Our tools
of empire building
While we horticulture
our culture
So you go pack up
your samosas
Before we comatosa
Before we comatosa your...
[Muttering]
Yeah, before we comatosa
your mimosas
Yeah.
[Train horn blaring in distance]
Shit!
[Body thuds]
-Ah, okay.
Now we're in business.
It shame we didn't get to show
them how great you are
at that rapping thing.
-Oh, yeah.
It would have been ugly.
For them, I mean.
So, how long will you need
to open it, the safe?
-One hour.
Two hours.
Three hours.
Maybe four, possibly five.
-That's we've got to go in
at night when the stores closed.
So we got to break into
the store, and into the safe?
-Unless we get into the store
before they closed
and then get out when they open.
-You mean get ourselves
locked in there for the night?
-Exactly.
-I love it.
I did a sleepaway camp
at a dinosaur museum once,
and it was so scary,
but really fun.
-What about cameras?
They'll record everything
and be able
to see who we are?
-Yeah, that's true.
-Then we have
to be in disguises.
-Disguises?
-Oh, did you say disguises?
That's a great idea.
I can make it happen.
Trust me,
I'm so good with disguises.
-Okay, then.
We're doing this tomorrow.
Right now I got to go see a man
about a God.
[Indistinct conversations]
[Speaking in native language]
-What do you think
they're reversing?
-I think it's about King Ashoka.
-I concur.
It's definitely
about King Ashoka.
You know,
he killed thousands of people,
felt like a monkey's
sphincter about it
and then became a Buddhist.
-[Chanting in native language]
Okay, you're finished.
-That's it.
-That's it.
Oh, wait.
[Indistinct]
Oh, and flowers.
I have flowers.
[Bell dings in distance]
Okay, now you're finished
-I'm properly blessed, right?
-The best I can do.
-Good.
Good, because I'm gonna
need all the blessings.
-Okay.
-Because, you know, ever since
Rina broke up with me --
-Wasn't that three years ago?
-That don't matter.
Look, the point is, I'm doing
something about it tomorrow.
Something big.
-Okay.
-But maybe I shouldn't do it.
Maybe it's kind of,
like, dangerous.
-Okay.
-Might get me in trouble
and stuff, and maybe --
maybe I need to be told
not to do it.
-Do you want someone
to tell you not to do it?
-I mean, I'm not going to force
someone to tell me not to do it.
If they think I shouldn't do it,
then they should just
tell me not to do it.
-Oh. You mean God?
He should tell you not to do it?
-Yeah.
God, whoever.
They should tell me
if he cares not to do it.
-God doesn't want or not want
you to do anything.
It's up to you
to fulfill your destiny.
But whatever you do,
do it with a right mind.
With clarity.
-Ah.
-And [indistinct].
[Insect buzzing]
-Is that what you're doing?
You're doing all this
with clarity and devotion?
-No regrets.
-Okay, then.
If that's all God's
got to say about it,
I'll be doing it then.
-Okay.
-[Chuckles]
But if God doesn't want me
to do it,
this really is his last chance
to tell me.
-Okay.
Well, I shall finish my prayers.
Goodbye.
-Okay, then.
Uh, good chat.
[Bell chimes]
-So, who wants to go first?
-I still don't get why
I had to be the old woman.
-Well, he's clearly too pretty
to be the old woman,
and I think you've got
a natural propensity for it.
-I really think this thobe
is too big on me.
-Yes, but you're doing
all the physical work,
so I wanted
to give you room to maneuver.
-And you don't think
this nose ring is too much?
-It makes your eyes sparkle.
-Really?
-I can barely look at you.
-You guys ready for this
or What?
-Yes.
-Ready.
-Yep.
-Ready.
-Yeah.
-Let's do this.
[Sighs]
Can you hurry up? It'll take us
an hour to get in there.
-This is how my character walks.
-You can do it in the store.
You don't have to do it now.
-Hello, young lady.
What a pretty sari.
-Thanks.
-The store will be closing
in 15 minutes.
-You two head in the restroom.
I'll get Paru.
-Yeah.
[Gate opening loudly]
[Gate closely loudly]
-This way.
Wait here.
I'll let you out later.
-It's freezing in here.
Hey.
My brain is going to shiver
to the size
of your uncle's testosterone
producing anatomy.
-It won't be long, okay?
Just keep out of sight.
[Door opens]
[Shopping cart clacking]
-I'm leaving.
See you tomorrow.
-Yes, sir.
[Knock on door]
Hello.
Anyone here?
Stores closing.
[Door opens]
[Safe keypad beeping]
[Door opens, closes]
[Electricity clacking]
[Slurping]
[Keys jingle, doors lock]
-[Exhales sharply]
Snacks.
I need snacks.
The drill.
[Drill whirring]
[Indistinct]
[Bell dings]
[Panting]
Yeah, just as I thought.
We'll need the blow torch.
[Blow torch whooshing]
[Bell dings]
-You sure you know
what you're doing?
-You think I got your mother's
[speaks native language]
for nothing?
[Panting]
[Saw whirring]
[Screams]
Come out!
[Grunting]
[Bell dings]
[Bell dings]
[Grunts]
[Bell dings]
[Bangs on safe]
-So much for II F'ing T.
-This is worse than
the immigration system.
Keeping me locked out.
-So, no diamonds, huh?
-How many numbers
would the combination have?
-Eight.
Which means there are 40,320
different permutations.
[Keypad beeping]
[Safe beeps]
-How did you?
-Rina's birthday.
-Ah, mango pickle.
-Oh.
-Dirty diamonds.
-Why does it say
for Rina's wedding?
-I don't know. I don't know
how he label his shit.
[Electricity clicking]
[Electricity humming]
[Switch clicks]
[Switch clicks]
[Switch clicks]
[Door opens]
[Door closes]
[Door opens]
-What the hell?!
[Indistinct shouting]
[Shopping carts rattling]
[Singing in native language]
-What do you think?
Turquoise or aquamarine?
-Why?
[Calm music playing in store]
-What? Why what?
-Why'd you steal them?
-[Chuckles] Steal?
Steal what?
-My dad said somebody broke
into his office
and stole my wedding diamonds.
So, why did you do it?
-I didn't.
I didn't do it.
-Well, it doesn't
change anything.
I'm still going to marry him.
-Wait.
Why are you marrying
that guy anyway?
-Because...
I know it can never break
my heart,
even if he tried.
Oh, and by the way,
if my dad finds out it was you,
he's going to kick your ass.
-And if I did get my ass kicked,
would you care?
-I always cared.
You were the one
who couldn't
jump in all the way.
-What if I jumped in now?
What if I was ready now?
-Then you should tell me.
But not by robbing
my dad's store.
You're not the one
that's supposed to be stupid.
[Door opens]
-I don't know what all that
diamond stuff was about.
[Scoffs] Not a clue.
[Sighs]
-So, we sell them?
-Of course sell them.
-Or donate them
to the cat shelter.
Or not.
-Well, maybe we just keep them.
[Clears throat]
-But what about your
aunties' valves?
-And him going to Bollywood?
-And appropriation?
-And cash in the bank
to compensate
for my never arriving
addendum sucking green card?
-Okay, whatever.
I'm just talking.
The question is, who are
we going to sell them to?
-Gangsters. We have to find
some gangsters.
Like Russian ones
or Irish ones
or any other
ethnic gangster group.
-You know any?
-No.
-I knew some gangsters at IIT,
but now they're working
in Silicon Valley.
-Why don't we sell them
back to him?
-Back to who?
-Rina's dad.
I mean, he'd want them back,
and he ain't going to
call the cops
because they're illegal anyway.
-I like it.
It's a good idea.
We make him pay twice
for his nefariousness.
-And maybe he won't ever be
nefarious ever again.
-But he gets the diamonds back.
-Yeah, but he still
reappropriate
some of his illegal wealth.
I mean, that's why
we're doing this, right?
-It doesn't make sense.
Why would they
take the diamonds
but not the cash, too?
-Maybe it's because
they're really stupid.
-You're our expert on
that subject, aren't you?
-Thank you,
[speaks native language].
You guys, I think
these might be disguises.
-Of course they're bloody
disguises.
Catch eight-year-olds
moving around like that.
-Right. No, no, no. I was just
confirming it for myself.
[Line ringing]
-What.
-Sir, someone on
line two wants to talk to you
about the break in.
-Hello? Who is this?
-[As Don Vito Corleone]
Mr. Juneja, I need you
to listen up
and listen up close.
-What? I can't understand
what you're saying.
-I said I need you
to listen to me.
-Where are you?
Who am I talking to?
-That ain't the way this goes.
You listen to me
and I ask the questions.
Unless I ask the questions,
and then you give me the answer.
-What is this all about?
-It's about the diamonds.
We've got your diamonds.
-Well, then you better
return them to me,
if you know what's good for you.
-Well, you can't have them back.
You understand what I'm saying?
You can't have them.
-Then why are you calling me,
you moron?
-To make you an offer.
An offer you better not refuse.
-I don't know who you are
or what stupid
accent you're doing.
-He said my accent is stupid.
-I like it. I think it's good.
-It's so good.
-Listen, we want $40,000
or we pass your filthy
diamonds on to the cops and tell
them where we what we got them.
So, baseball field tomorrow,
11 A.M..
Don't be late, and just you.
-Hey, wait.
[Telephone clacks]
-I think I swallowed
some Kleenexs.
-[Indistinct] Are you going
to give them
the 40,000 American?
-Of course I'm not going to give
them 40,000 American.
I'm going to give them a beating
that they'll never forget,
whoever they are.
-Okay.
[Indian music playing on radio]
[Tool clicking]
[Children playing]
-I think I see their milk wagon.
-So we're clear, right?
You get the money.
You bring it back here, and only
then you take the diamonds over.
-Roger that.
-I still don't see
why she has to do it.
I mean, it's kind of dangerous.
-She's the one that has
the best disguise.
-It's true, I do.
--I know, but still it's --
-It's okay.
I know we got
each other's back.
[Seatbelts click]
-Give me the cash.
-Looks good, no?
Almost looks real.
-You're engaged to my daughter.
What else do you want?
A bloody medal?
-No, no, no, no.
Just a kind word would be nice.
Now, listen, as soon as I have
the diamonds,
come and grab
whoever's there.
These [speaks native language]
won't mess with me again.
Got it?
-Mm-hmm.
[Birds chirping]
He's lucky to be having me
as a son-in-law.
-He's there.
-You good?
-Oh, yeah.
Super good.
[Birds chirping]
[Groans]
Hello, young sir.
What a lovely morning.
-We can drop the old man act.
I've seen the security footage.
I know how nimble you are.
-I'm going to stay in character,
if you're not be minding.
I'm very committed.
-Where are my diamonds?
-Your money first.
-Here. Now, my diamonds.
-I need to check the paper,
then I get your diamonds.
-There you check.
Now, my diamonds.
-I need to check it properly!
-Done.
-Cash first.
-Diamonds.
[Indistinct shouting]
-It doesn't look like
it's going that well.
-Show me the cash!
-The diamonds, the diamonds!
-Give me the cash!
-Oh.
-You're a very bad man.
-Who are you? Huh?
-[Grunting]
-Who are you?
[Groans]
-[Speaks in native language]
Maybe we should go help?
I mean, he doesn't
have the diamonds.
He said to wait
until he had the diamonds.
Maybe we should just go anyway.
No, no, no.
He might get upset,
but then he might
get upset if you don't go.
So maybe we should just go
[Indistinct shouting]
-Go get her.
-She needs help.
Give me the diamonds.
We'll just give them back.
-No, they don't get them back
till we get the money.
-Just give me the diamonds.
-These aren't even the diamonds!
-What?
-They're pieces
of costume jewelry.
I -- I switched them out.
-This is nothing
like "Sunny and Salim."
-Wait.
You're not in disguise.
They'll know who you are.
-What about you?
-Don't worry about me.
-Okay.
-Go.
-[Screams]
-We have to help him.
-Fine then.
-Get him in the car.
[Engine revs]
-At IIT would say that
this particular hypothesis
has been poked in the face
and proved to be falsifiable.
-You were here a few days ago
making a big song and dance
on my checkout counter.
What is that about?
[Indistinct conversations]
[Chair clacking]
-Tell him, tell him now.
Tell him!
Will you tell him?
Tell him now.
Tell him, tell him.
Tell him!
Tell him, tell him.
Fine.
[Chair clacking]
-And the girl
from the newspaper,
she was here the same time.
Does she have anything
to do with you?
[Chair scraping]
-Tell him.
Tell him now.
Tell him!
Better tell him.
Tell him.
Tell him.
[Chair scraping]
-Would you like a soda?
How about a soda?
-Yes?
[Soda can pops]
A soda.
-Take it!
Better take it.
Drink it, yeah.
-Did you guys see?
-I think you're trying
to force him to drink
some kind of truth serum.
-We've got to get him
out of there.
Any ideas?
-Oh, yeah, I got one.
-What is it?
-We go in through the roof.
-The roof?
-By way of a helicopter.
[Helicopter blades whirring]
They'll never be expecting it.
We lay down
some plastic explosives
in a really neat circle.
Or better get in the shape
of a rangoli so it's auspicious.
The explosives are wired
to a remote.
We press it, and it blows
a hole in the roof.
[Explosion]
Then we jump through
the hole and rescue him.
No, you're right.
[Speech rewinding]
We don't have any rope.
-Does anyone have a doable idea
of how we can get in there?
-You could always
try walking in.
-Unless you're really dumb.
-So, these are the four idiots
who thought
they could steal from me.
-Now, even your friends realize
what an American-born
loser you are.
-You two acquainted?
-He used to date Rina,
until she realized
what a deadbeat he was
and dumped his ass
and found herself a real man.
-You used to date my daughter?
-For two years.
I was in and out
of your house.
I went out for dinner
with you and everything.
You don't remember me?
-I have no recollection.
-[Chuckles]
But here is one thing I do know.
I want you to take
this other idiot
my daughter is now engaged to...
-That's me.
-...and bring back my diamonds.
-You mean your dirty diamonds.
-What do you mean,
dirty diamonds?
They belong to
my great grandmother.
And the only thing dirty
about those diamonds
where the four British soldier
she killed
when they tried
to steal them from her.
[Bird cawing]
[Indian music playing on radio]
-Hey, I'm just going
to pick something up.
-Hello, auntie.
How are you?
-You friend of Vinny?
-Oh, yes.
In his dreams.
-Mom, have you seen a tin
in here
with costume jewelry?
-You mean this one?
-[Sighs]
[Sewing machine whirring]
What happened to
the stuff inside?
-Oh, the pieces of glass?
I used them to decorate
King Ashoka's crown,
and he sparked.
[Clicks tongue]
-The King Ashoka?
It stuck on Ashoka's crown?
-Uh-huh.
-I can't take King Ashoka's
crown, bro.
It's India's
greatest emperor.
He slaughtered thousands,
felt bad about it,
then became a Buddhist.
-Looks like he's ready
to hand it over anyway.
-[Sighs]
-King Ashoka.
Please forgive me.
-Hey, Hey!
-I can't believe you lied to me!
[Indistinct shouting]
[All slurping]
[Door opens]
[Speaks native language]
I brought you diamonds.
-Go.
-I had to fight
King Ashoka for this.
[Door closes]
I won.
He lost.
-Well, at least we tried.
-Tried is not good enough.
Not when you're back in
the same place you was before.
-Hey, it's not all bad.
My mother lovin' green card
came in the mail today.
-That's great.
Congratulations.
-Yeah, I'm very friggin
happy for you.
But what about Zak here?
He don't get to go to Bollywood
and achieve his dreams.
-I cooled on that idea anyway.
I've got plenty
of dreaming to do here.
-You sweetheart.
Oh, and an angel investor
told me he wants to take
Great Little India Times
online
as a self uploading
video portal
automatic blockchain, NFT,
social media
sharing site for charity.
-Yeah, that is great.
But my Kalyani auntie's
heart valves are still shot,
and she don't got no money
for an operation.
-It was
[speaks native language] auntie.
I got that wrong, by the way.
-Got what wrong!
-It wasn't heart valve.
She was talking about
the plumbing in her bathroom.
She needed some kind
of new valves there.
But still pretty expensive.
Gave her heart palpitations
when she saw the bill.
-Well, she should be dying.
You all should be dying,
like I am.
Dying.
Because Rina's still engaged.
Nothing's changed.
[Wind blowing]
[Bell chimes]
-So, tell me.
What's going on?
-I don't know.
But ever since Rina
broke up with me,
I've been too scared
to do anything.
And then when I finally
did do something,
I didn't do what I thought
it was going to do.
So, why do anything at all?
-Sometimes the doing
doesn't always reap
the rewards we expect.
Sometimes we gain
and we lose other things.
And sometimes
we have to ask ourselves
are we doing the right doing.
Or are we just do-doing it out?
-Was being my dad just
do-doing around for you?
-Is that why you cut out
on me and Mom?
-I didn't cut out on you.
I'm still here.
I'm still around.
It's just my focus
is on higher things.
-Maybe I needed
some of that focus.
Maybe I needed you to see me
so I wouldn't be such a loser.
-I see you.
-I see the eternal flame in you.
[Chuckles]
And in all creatures,
and the plants.
-But I ain't
a goddamn plant, Dad.
[Bell chimes]
-The Chicken Tikka pizza's
tight, huh?
-Yeah.
Your dad knows
what he's doing.
-That's why I gotta
sing about it.
He's an inspiration.
Like you, Vin.
-Me? I ain't no inspiration,
I'm just loser,
like everybody thinks.
-Yo, cos, you inspire me.
You always have.
You're the one told me
to find that
little voice inside me
that's just mine
and make it big.
Because that's
your heart's voice, you said.
-I said that to, huh?
-Yeah, bro. Yous an artist.
It ain't easy to be an artist.
Take some dirt digging, and you
got dirt digging in spades.
-You think?
-You just gotta believe
you're worthy, bro?
-It ain't easy when no one else
believes in you.
-I believe in you.
-What about you?
Don't you got your audition
for the culture show tonight?
I don't know if I'm going
to put up, though.
-What do you mean
you ain't going to put up?
-I don't know if I want to be
a solo artist anymore.
-Hmm.
[Exhales sharply]
You need some backup, huh?
-I need to find me a crew, bro.
-Yeah, It's better
when you got a crew.
You know what?
I got you.
-Cool.
-Thanks for coming.
I'm sorry I lost it.
And I really am glad
for you all.
I'm glad you guys
found each other.
That makes you happy.
-It does. Thanks.
-And I'm glad about what you
said about your newspaper.
-You mean about it
going online
as a self-reporting
media portal,
automatic blockchain, NFT,
social media
sharing site for charity?
-Yeah, that.
-Oh
-And I'm glad you finally got
your mother lovin' green card.
-Okay, but there's reason
to swear about it.
-And I'm glad we all did
what we did,
even if it didn't work out
because we did it together.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, we did
-Definitely.
-Together.
-Together.
-Anyways, my cousin Nikki and me
is needing a crew.
So, you guys think you might
be down for another job?
[Siren chirps in distance]
[Bell chimes]
Here go your tools back.
And how many names
you got on that petition so far.
How about us Samosas
give you four more signatures?
-[Echoing] Stylin'
Let it
Stylin'
[Train tracks clacking]
-I said I got you.
-Oh, worth it.
-Very nice. Thank you.
I think they did
a wonderful job.
-Yes. Yes, they did.
Yes.
-We'll see you at the night
of the show.
[Cheers and applause]
-Thank you.
-And great costumes, Kamala.
And the next addition
is Nikki Little Slice,
backed by her cousin,
Big Boy Vin.
-Oh, him again.
-Boo!
-This is an honor
my dad's awesome pizza.
One, two, one, two, three, four!
You start with a pizza
-You start with a P
-You start with a pizza
-You start with a P
-You start with a pizza
-You start with a P
Chicken Tikki, Chicken Tikki
-Chicken Tikki, Chicken Tikki
Chicken Tikki
-Chicken Tikki
-Chicken Tikki
-Chicken Tikki
-It start with a pizza
-It start with a P
-Jalapeno, jalapeno
jalapeno, jalapeno
-Jalapeno
-Jalapeno
-Jalapeno
-Jalapeno
-You start with a pizza
-You start with a P
You start with a pizza
You start with a P
Get a life, get a life
-Get a life!
-Well, that certainly made me
feel very hungry.
-[ Laughs ]
-We'll see you at the night
of the show, Little Slice.
-Piece.
-And next, we have Guru Ram
and his sitar.
-Actually, um,
I -- I have another song
I like to do with my crew.
-Ugh.
-Oh, okay.
Very good, let's hear it.
-Okay.
-This song goes out to...
Well, she'll know who.
[Button clicks]
Should have opened up
my heart
-My heart
-Give it every part
-Every part
-Should have made you
the star of movie
-My movie
-If you give me
one more chance
-One more chance
-I will be your final dance
-Final dance
-Put your name
above the titles so truly
-So truly, yeah
-Should have told you
long ago
-Long ago
-And now I really,
really know
-Really know
-I want you no matter
the weather
-The weather, yeah
-So tell me if I can
-If I can
-Be your new man
-Your new man
-'Cause I think that I am
Yeah, I think that I am
Your best old and new plan
And I-I-I-I love
-Love you
[All panting]
-Well, the boy is not afraid
to make a fool of himself.
I'll give him that.
-Fool is right.
[Chuckles]
-That's, um, me too,
I feel the same.
We'll be in touch.
Guru Ram?
[Indistinct conversations]
-Well, I mean,
I put it out there.
-You put it out there.
-You put it out there.
-You might get knocked down,
but at least you tried.
-At least you tried.
-Trying's what's important.
-Gotta try.
-And we make a good crew, right?
-We make a good crew.
-Very good.
[Door opens]
-Hey.
-Hey.
[Door closes]
-That was a really nice song.
Thanks.
-Yeah.
It was in your style.
I'm trying, you know?
-Well, it worked.
Kind of honest.
But your eyebrows are a mess.
-They are? Ah...
-You really haven't been looking
after them, have you?
-Uh...
Not like properly.
-Come in tomorrow,
and we'll see
if they're saveable.
And I don't give those out
to just anybody.
[Door opens, closes]
-Ooh, free eyebrow trimming
That's a major score
right there.
-Yeah. [Chuckles]
-I think it might well be.
-Mm-hmm.
-So, what do you guys think?
Let's get some chaat.
-I freaking love chaat.
-Always down for snacks.
-Okay then.
-Yeah.
-Let's do chaat.
-Let's go.
[Door opens]
-Hey, cos.
You doing chaat?
-Yeah, we doing chaat.
-Cool. I'm writing
a song about chaat.
-A song about chaat?
How's it go?
-What is it? How's it go?
-It's like...
Samaso chaat, samaso chaat,
samaso chaat
-Samaso chaat, samaso chaat,
samaso chaat
Samaso chaat, samaso chaat,
samaso chaat, samaso chaat
-La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
-La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
-Like I said, a story about love
or finding your voice again.
Or maybe it's just a story
about finding a crew.
-Yeah, yeah.
Definitely a story
about finding your crew.
Definitely.
-Wake up and it's Monday
Shit, Monday ain't
my fun day
Boss on our ass, all we tryin'
do is pass the time
Sit around
with the homies unwinded
Just relax,
bear in mind
Glass half full,
one step at a time
Ain't in a rush,
gonna get what's ours
Chillin' by the pool,
man, happy in the hours
Don't know what's
comin' my way
Could be bad, could be good
But in the end it's okay,
see
It's about the moment
right here
Gonna celebrate
this woman right here
Friends and family
by my side
We can do it all, man,
nothing to hide
Let's live for the day,
even if it's Monday
Take a deep breath
in day by day
-La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
La, la, la, la
[Sitar chord strikes]
-That was some wonderful
picking Guru Ram.
We will see you at the night
of the show.
-Thank you.
-And the next addition
is a song by Pushpa, I believe.
Oh, Pushpa, you work at my
favorite sari store, don't you?
I didn't know you were a singer.
In your own time.
-Movie sold out,
only rush line tickets
Lined around the block
and in the show no crickets
Don't matter who you know,
don't matter how you knock
Only way you're gettin' in
is if you win, win, win
Because they want
to hear our story
Time for us to take
a bit of glory
Come along for the journey,
hey
They gonna put you
on a gurney
Lay it on the seat, man,
film it like a Polaroid
Samosas on your timeline,
this ain't daytime
It's primetime
Never seen it comin'
but we're comin' up on time
The sun is shinin'
and we're all reclinin'
Reflections refinin' on you
They say it's time
and we ain't declinin'
We're up here, we're flyin'
It's true.
The sun is shinin'
and we're all reclinin'
Reflections refinin' on you
They say it's time
and we ain't declinin'.
We're up here, we flyin'
It's true
It's a better day,
it's a brighter day.
It's a better, better, better,
brighter day
It's a better day,
it's a brighter day
It's a better better, better,
better, brighter day.
Chana chaat, chana chaat
Chana, chana, chana, chana,
chana chaat
Chana chaat, chana chaat
Chana, chana, chana, chana,
chana chaat
Delhi chaat, delhi chaat
Delhi, delhi, delhi, delhi,
delhi chaat
Delhi chaat, delhi chaat
Delhi, delhi, delhi, delhi,
delhi chaat
The sun is shinin'
and we're all reclinin;
Reflections refinin' on you
They say it's time,
and we ain't declinin'
We're up here, we're flyin'
It's true
The sun is shinin'
and we're all reclinin'
Reflections refinin' on you
They say it's time
and we ain't declinin'
We're up here, we flyin'
It's true
[Bullet ricochets]
-Damn.
-Sunny!
-[Groans]
-Sunny!
Sunny, Sunny.
-[Groans]
-Sunny!
Sunny.
[Sobbing]
Sunny!
[Film projector spinning]
[Wind blowing]
-Today I'm gonna leave my
heart out on the pavement
I'll buy the gift shop
down on South Street
I'll be waiting
You find your hair ties a
string of flowers, superpowers
And if you stay
you'll find me
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo,
doo, doo, doo
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo,
doo, doo, doo
You left my heart out
on the broken train tracks
You left my heart
in the jungle gym
You left my heart on stop
of the car
And then I drove off
way too far
And then I drove off
way too farrr
Your dreams are gone
but you still hold on
Show your face
to your morning sun
Your hopes are lost
but you still won't come
You flash a smile
to your dearest one
Could of, would have,
should of
Could of, would have,
should of
Could of done the same again
Da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
-Believe it or not,
this is actually a love story.
Or maybe it's a story
about finding your voice again
after you've smashed it
so deep down inside of yourself
and made it so small and hard
that even you can
hear it no more.
Well, maybe it's just a story
about stories.
Now, this one, this is a really
nice Banarasi sari.
It's got your
classic motifs,
but with some modern touches.
Now, if I was a royal king
of Rajput or something
and my queen came in
wearing this piece of fire,
I'd be like, "Alright,
now we're talking."
[Laughs]
But then you could always go...
Kasavu.
You can never go wrong
when you go Kasavu.
I mean, it's deceptively simple.
But I'm telling you, man,
it is stylin'.
So, why don't you
check them all out?
There's some in there
in the back for you,
and see which one hits you
where it hurts.
-Okay. Thank you.
-Yeah, you're welcome.
[Sighs]
Pushpa.
[Chair wheels clacking]
I've been testing out
some new rhymes
You want to hear them.
Okay, cool.
[Sighs]
They're still rough,
but check this.
[Snapping fingers]
What's up?
This is big boy Vin,
and I'mma sing us in
I ain't no poggle,
I'm a smart ass muggle
Fresh, grown up, ain't sippin'
on no baby cup
No more school,
be chillin' by the pool
Don't got a GPA that
lets you call me a fool
I don't need college,
got a higher kind of knowledge
Is swinging on the streets,
is slippin' in these beats
So quarantine
your counselors
And all your college
chancellors
I'mma live your fantasy,
incorporate my entities
Rap around the edges
of my educated frenemies
Sing it
Yeah, sing it
Sing it, sing it, sing it
Sing
What do you think?
No, no, you're right.
Need some work.
I don't know.
I don't know
why it's not happening.
I know that ever since Rina
broke up with me,
I ain't been feelin' it.
I know it was three years ago,
but I keep telling you,
pain's got its own clock, yo.
Anyway, I'mma hit up
the chat house.
Want a snack?
Dosa?
Panipuri? Bhel puri?
Dahi puri? Chana chaat?
Delhi chaat, Samosa?
Dhokla?
You don't want dhokla?
[Chuckles]
Suit yourself.
I don't need college,
got a higher kind of polish
I ain't your mother's
knowledge
-Hey, guy.
Hey, little cos.
You chillin'?
-Chillin'
You chillin'?
-Chillin'.
-So?
-So?
-Are you gonna do the show
or what?
-What show?
Little India Cultural Show.
-Auditions are in
a couple of days.
You should try out.
-Yeah.
You know, I'm not ready
to release these new rhymes.
I'm still rollin' them,
moldin' 'em, shapin' 'em.
I'm in a process, yo.
Yeah. Yeah, I hear you, bro,
but like, sometimes
you want to put
the process in a town square.
-Yeah, yeah, I know.
-You're the one
who told me that.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, I did.
It's just...
[Sighs]
I don't know.
I got to find me a new style.
-Yeah, I feel you, bro.
-So, what about you?
You gonna lay down
at this thing?
Yeah, cos.
I got this new track.
Can you come
by the pizza place later
and give me some notes?
-Sure, I got you.
-Cool.
[ Bullet ricochets ]
-Damn
Damn.
Sunny!
-Yo.
-Hey.
-[ Sonny ]
-Which one's this?
-"Sunny and Salim,"
a Bollywood classic.
A pair of twins
separated at birth.
One becomes a cop,
the other a criminal.
Then they join forces
to find their mother's killer.
-That's the same actor, right?
-He plays a double role.
When he has the mustache,
his Salim.
When he doesn't, he's Sunny.
-That's genius.
[Bell chimes]
-I-I think she likes me.
-You think?
-Hi.
-Hey.
-Hi.
-Hey.
Hi.
-Hey.
-Can we move this along already?
-Oh, yeah.
The Great Little India Times.
It's a free newspaper.
-Never heard of it.
-You should have,
because it's great,
even though it's only a little.
We cover lots of social causes.
I'm the publisher
and the editor.
I also write all the articles.
I do a lot of stuff.
-Did you want to leave a stack?
-Oh, my gosh. Can I?
-Yeah, sure.
-Cool.
And maybe one day, I can write
an article about you too,
for the entertainment section.
[Door opens, bell chimes]
-Look what the wind farted in.
-Mr. Juneja, welcome.
Good to see you.
Please sit.
-Did you see that?
You see how we ignored me?
It's like it doesn't
even know who I am.
-I don't think he does
know who you are.
-I dated his daughter.
I went out
for dinners with him.
How could he not know who I am?
-It was three years ago.
-That don't matter.
You know how it really
makes his money, right?
-Yeah, the grocery store.
-That's just a front.
He smuggles
in uncertified diamonds.
You know what they call those?
Dirty diamonds.
What's he doing here, anyway?
-He's sponsoring the food at the
Little India Cultural Show
to celebrate
his big announcement.
-What announcement?
-You haven't heard?
-Heard what?
-Uh, Rina...
-Rina what?
-Yeah, Rina what?
-Rina got engaged.
-Rina got engaged?!
-Rina got engaged?
[Tires screech in distance]
-Why didn't she tell me?
She should have told me.
-I got your back.
[Indistinct conversation]
[Door chimes]
[Door closes]
-I don't know who Rina is.
-Sanjay?
-[Chuckles] If it isn't
the American born
confused loser?
-I thought they sent you back
to your village
so you could
become a goat dung expert?
-Oh, mission accomplished, bro.
You're looking at the number one
rate officer of [indistinct]
excrement in the district
of Ludhiana.
And, now, now I just come back
to claim my prize.
-What? You?
You're marrying Rina?!
-What can I say?
The girl wants a future,
and the future
is goat shit.
And I'm the GOAof goat shit.
-No way.
I'm not going to
let that happen.
-[Chuckling ] Are you going
to try to stop it?
-Yeah, I think I am gonna
try and stop it.
-Really, really?
You're gonna try to stop it?
-Absolutely!
I know I can stop it!
-Billu!
You don't come out
and block me.
This is Billu.
I brought him in my luggage.
You see, I'm a big shot now.
And you're still a tiny, tiny,
tiny loser of a shot.
Let's go.
Billu, I said, let's go, huh?
I said go.
Billu, go to the car.
C-A-R.
-You're engaged to Sanjay?
-Maybe.
-You is or you isn't.
So, is it or isn't?
-What if it is?
You and I broke up
three years ago.
It's none of your business.
-Of course it's my business.
We were meant
to be together forever.
-Then how come we're not?
-Well, because you never
believed that I was
good enough for you,
and your moneybags daddy.
-You never believed you were
good enough for me
and my moneybags daddy.
-What does that mean?
-[Chuckles]
You were so insecure.
-Was not.
-You was, too.
You were always testing me,
making sure I knew
where the door was in case
I decided to leave.
-Yeah, and you did leave.
-Because I got tired
of waiting for you
to realize you might deserve me.
But you never realized,
which meant you didn't.
-That makes no sense.
-Life makes no sense.
But still we persist.
-But to that guy?
The king of goat shit?
-Goat shit or bullshit.
It's all shit.
And love is dead anyways.
-You don't really believe that.
[Talking on radio]
-I can't believe
she's doing this.
How could you get engaged
to that guy?
-What?
-I said I can't believe
she's doing this to me.
-It's your own fault.
-Oh, why is it my fault?
-You're all talk, talk, talk,
no action.
A woman likes a man of action.
Your father was a man of action.
-Oh, yeah. So full of action
he abandoned us.
-At least he did something.
While you're a rapper
who doesn't rap.
-I do things.
It's just that since
she broke up with me --
-Three years ago.
-Whatever.
I'm just --
I'm biding my time. Okay?
I'm in preparation mode
until I --
until I relaunch myself
upon the world.
-Well, you better do it quick.
You don't know how long you be
here before your time runs out.
Look at your auntie in India.
She's got bad valves.
They say she's going to die
because she can't afford
the operation.
-What? Which auntie.
-[Indistinct]
-Is it the Bengaluru auntie?
-No, that's Kalyani auntie.
She's already dead.
Kalyani auntie lives in Chennai.
-She's going to die because
she can't afford an operation?
-Apparently so.
[Exhales sharply]
What do you think so far?
-What even is it?
-It's a crown for King Ashoka.
-King who?
-King Ashoka,
India's greatest emperor.
He slaughtered
thousands of people,
then felt bad about it,
making him Buddhist.
-Why are you making him crowns.
-For the histrionic society.
They're auditioning
for the culture show
with the play about him.
-Shit.
I told Nikki I give her notes
on her song.
-Now there's a rapper
who's actually rapping.
So hello to my niece.
-[Echoing] Stylin'
Let it
Stylin'
[Bell dings]
-Hey, guy.
[Snaps finger]
-What do you want?
-Sign our petition,
and you get a free,
sweet lentil bowl.
-You mean a laddu?
-Exactly, a laddu.
-What's it for?
-It's a petition saying
we want to reappropriate
this tract of land
and declare it the independent
South Asian state of Aisetra.
-Um, Aisetra is just Artesia
spelled backwards anyway.
Anyway, Aisetra will
be the chivalrous
51st state of America.
-And we're going to build
a palace on this land.
We've got the tools
and everything.
[Tools clatter]
-No, I ain't signing this.
This is America,
and I want to keep it that way.
-What's up?
You got culture shame?
-No, but if I wanted
to live in South Asia,
then I'd go live in South Asia.
-What about a laddu
You don't want to free laddus?
-I don't like laddus.
-These are my dad's laddus,
sellout!
Yeah, they're her dad's
laddus, sellout!
-It's gonna pizza,
it's gonna be a P
Pepperoni, pepperoni,
pepperoni, pepperoni
Pepperoni, pepperoni,
pepperoni, pepperoni
It's gonna be a pizza,
it's gonna be a P
Pepperoni, pepperoni,
pepperoni, pepperoni
Pepperoni, pepperoni,
pepperoni, pepperoni
It's gonna be a pizza,
it's gonna be a P
Get a life, get a life,
get a life
[Feedback]
[Applause]
-That was wild, cos
-Thanks.
You got any notes?
-Maybe switch it up a little,
maybe add some
different topics.
-Yeah, cool.
-Inspirational, though.
I feel inspired.
-Yeah? Which part?
-All of it.
The get a life bit though,
that resonated.
-I throw that in just now.
-Wow.
[Knock on window]
-Loser!
-Yeah.
I'm gonna get me a life.
-You want to do what?
-Reappropriate the wealth.
-What does that even mean?
-It means that it's not right
that people
like Rina's dad get rich
while good people
like my auntie are dying
because they can't afford
an operation.
-So, you want to break into
a store and steal his stuff?
-Just the stuff
he shouldn't have.
Like those dirty diamonds.
-And what are you going
to do with them?
-We're going to sell them,
and we're going to use
the money to do good
in this world.
Like getting my auntie
some new valves
and getting you a plane ticket
so you can go to Bollywood
and become an actor,
achieve your potential.
It'll be like that movie,
"Sunny and Salim."
We'll be fighting
bad guys together,
putting the world
to rights.
Huh?
-I'm in.
-What are you doing here?
-Walking my dog.
-You don't have a dog.
-Whoops
There he goes.
It's alright.
He knows how to get home.
-How much you hear?
-All of it.
And yeah, I in.
I'll help you do it.
I'm all about reapportion.
-Who said we even
needed your help?
-Oh, you do.
You just don't know it yet.
I'm good at all sorts of things.
Useful things.
And I think you'd make
a great Bollywood actor,
so you should do it, too.
-How can you say no now?
-So, that's it?
-He keeps them in his office.
-How do you know?
-Rina told me.
She says he keeps
them stuffed in a jar
and then put in a pickle
locked in his safe.
-What kind of safe is it?
-And what kind of pickle is it?
-I don't know.
-You don't know
what kind of safe it is
or what kind of pickle it is?
-I don't know either.
-Neither.
-Whatever.
But this is why we're here,
to do some reconnaissance,
work the exits
and get pictures of the safe.
-But how do we get in
to do the reconnaissance?
-Oh, I know.
We go underneath.
-Underneath?
-We start at
the flight control channel.
I jump in the river.
I'm a really good swimmer.
[Water splashes]
I'm going to locate
the underwater pipe entrance
and travel through
the drainage system.
[Cellphone beeping]
I'll be wearing one of those
locating tagging devices,
and you'll be able
to track my progress.
I'll then reappear in the Cash
and Carry loading bay,
and I'll be sure
to be really stealthy.
[Flippers clacking loudly]
I'll then don the disguise
of a chapati maker,
including requisite chef hat.
So once I'm in, I can do
all the reconnaissance required.
No, I know.
You're right.
[Speech rewinding]
Where why would I even get
a chef's hat from?
-Also, the store opens
in five minutes.
We could just walk in.
-We still got to get
in the office.
-Well, I have an idea
for that, too.
Mr. Juneja, thank you so much
for agreeing to see me.
-Who are you?
What are you talking about?
-We spoke on the phone,
remember?
I'm doing an article for the
Great Little India Times
for our community's
most successful entrepreneurs.
-I didn't speak to anybody from
the Great Little India Times.
I've never even heard
of the Great Little India Times.
-Well, you should have,
because it's great,
even though
it's only very little.
Anyway, we want to know
your secrets
for becoming
a wildly accomplished,
successful businessman,
man, man.
-Well, I suppose I could give
you a few minutes of my time,
and perhaps you could even write
about the culture show.
I'm sponsoring it, you know?
-I had no idea.
Tell me.
-Okay, she's been
in there long enough.
You ready?
-Yeah.
Yeah, I'm ready.
-Remember, she said
it's got to be big.
-I know how to go big.
[Indistinct conversations]
-Sir, you can't do that.
Get down from there.
That's not a stage.
[Whirring]
-Sunny!
-Salim.
-Sunny.
-Salim.
-Sunny.
-Salim.
-Sunny.
-Salim.
-Sunny.
-Salim.
-Sunny.
-Salim.
-Sunny.
-Salim.
-[Singing in native language]
-Double role.
God, he's good.
-[Singing in native language]
-There is certain innate skill
to be a successful businessman.
Something in your DNA,
you might say.
In fact, you can say something
about my superpower,
a certain sixth sense.
As a matter of fact --
-Oh!
What is happening over there?
-What the bloody hell?
-Ooh.
Oh, yeah. Flip that hair.
[Camera shutter clicking]
Oh, girl, you lookin' fabulous.
-Listen up,
get down right this instant.
-What's going on?
-I-I don't know, sir.
I tried to get him down.
-Get down!
-He isn't listening
-Get down this bloody --
Out! Out!
Out!
[Door opens]
Hey. The article?
What about the article?
-Oh, it's going to be great.
You've given me so much
to work with.
-You said you wanted a photo.
-Oh, I got so many photos.
-Sighs]
You get the pictures?
-Oh, yeah.
She's pretty, right?
-It's a combination safe.
-So, we can't open it
without the code?
-Let's go find someone
who can open it.
Someone with technical know how?
-You mean like a malcontent
engineer with time
on their hands
and an ax to grind?
-You know one of those?
-Nope.
-I do.
[Bell dings]
-I went to IIT,
the mother copulating
India Institute of Technology.
You know how hard
it is to get into IIT.
No. Whatever you're thinking,
exit by 20.
Oh, yes.
Now you're getting the idea.
The sacrifices
my parents had to make.
They would spoon feed me
while I studied
so I wouldn't break
my concentration.
They would have clean the shit
for my ass if they had to,
but I told them
that was going too far.
Except for that one time.
At IIT, you are fighting against
the best of the best.
If you fall, the other
students will not pick you up.
Oh, no. They are fanatic head
of the injustice system,
solid waste.
Every last one of them.
[Grunting] After I graduated,
I was offered a job in America.
[Panting, grunts]
Everyone wants to go to America.
[Grunting]
So I got an H-1B visa.
I started working here,
saving?.
[Panting]
[Grunts]
Then, I applied
for my green card.
You know what happened?
You know?
-Uh...
-10 cadaver
inseminated years ago!
[Panting]
And so here I am.
No visa, no job,
a never arriving green card,
and an inevitable
deportation summons.
And -- is stale.
[Banging on table]
So, hell yes I want to rob
some money [indistinct]
crushing diamonds.
-Great. That's great.
And you know how
to open it?
The safe?
This is it.
-Okay. I see.
Yes.
Uh-huh.
First, I will need snacks.
Lots of snacks.
[Wind blowing]
-They have to be extra tasty.
-Yes.
No. Yes.
Too plain, tasteless.
Oh, very perfect,
very yummy.
Too gassy.
Ah, two of those, and more.
That's it, more.
Coconut.
Ah, yes.
These are going
to work very well.
-How are they going to
help you open up the safe?
-They help me concentrate,
you fecal head.
But I'll also need tools,
but no renting or buying?
We don't want a paper trail.
Do you have any tools?
Huh?
Like, big mop bangin' tools?
-No, but I know
some people that do.
-You want to do what?
-We want to borrow your tools.
-Why We let you borrow
these bad girls?
-Because we need them for a job.
Once the job is done,
we'll make it worth your while.
-How about we do this?
You volunteer your countrymen
to a series of one-on-one
tournaments of chivalry
based on the ancient games
Aisetra.
[Bell dings]
-You mean Artesia
spelled backwards?
-Whatever. If you win,
you get to borrow the tools.
If we win,
you sign our petition.
-What kind of tournaments?
-[Chuckles]
[Indian music plays]
-Last dancing dancer wins.
-[Singing in native language]
[Body thuds, music stops]
-My father's laddus.
Whoever eats the most
wins the battle.
-[Chuckles]
-What? That's it.
Hey. [Smooches]
Are you going to finish those,
huh?
[Body thuds]
-Pros and cons of agrarian
versus industrialized society.
Go.
-Oh, I'll go for this.
Let me start by quoting
the World Health Organization
ending international
economic moral support --
it came out
just two years ago.
And how is the financial,
health and societal
and rapid urbanization
in relation to both nuclear
and extended family structures.
For the person...
[Overlapping talking]
In conclusion to my postscript,
which included
my initial conclusion
for [indistinct],
I would have to say
I'm very much in favor
of my postulation
from the aforementioned
conclusion's conclusion.
[Body thuds]
[Bird caws]
-So, I got to take
on both of you?
-What's the matter? You scared?
-No, I ain't scared.
This is what I do.
I'm a rapper.
I rap about stuff all the time.
-You can start.
-No, I'll let you.
-Okay, then.
[Train horn blaring in distance]
How dare you come here
on this sacred land?
This Aisetra new soil
and think you can be
A foil to this roving
Singh band
Of merry men
and kick ass women
Your blessed
I don't give you
no condition
At times you walk
and makes you beg
For your contrition
-What she says is right
You ain't down
for this fight
You come here With these
fools trying to get
Our tools
of empire building
While we horticulture
our culture
So you go pack up
your samosas
Before we comatosa
Before we comatosa your...
[Muttering]
Yeah, before we comatosa
your mimosas
Yeah.
[Train horn blaring in distance]
Shit!
[Body thuds]
-Ah, okay.
Now we're in business.
It shame we didn't get to show
them how great you are
at that rapping thing.
-Oh, yeah.
It would have been ugly.
For them, I mean.
So, how long will you need
to open it, the safe?
-One hour.
Two hours.
Three hours.
Maybe four, possibly five.
-That's we've got to go in
at night when the stores closed.
So we got to break into
the store, and into the safe?
-Unless we get into the store
before they closed
and then get out when they open.
-You mean get ourselves
locked in there for the night?
-Exactly.
-I love it.
I did a sleepaway camp
at a dinosaur museum once,
and it was so scary,
but really fun.
-What about cameras?
They'll record everything
and be able
to see who we are?
-Yeah, that's true.
-Then we have
to be in disguises.
-Disguises?
-Oh, did you say disguises?
That's a great idea.
I can make it happen.
Trust me,
I'm so good with disguises.
-Okay, then.
We're doing this tomorrow.
Right now I got to go see a man
about a God.
[Indistinct conversations]
[Speaking in native language]
-What do you think
they're reversing?
-I think it's about King Ashoka.
-I concur.
It's definitely
about King Ashoka.
You know,
he killed thousands of people,
felt like a monkey's
sphincter about it
and then became a Buddhist.
-[Chanting in native language]
Okay, you're finished.
-That's it.
-That's it.
Oh, wait.
[Indistinct]
Oh, and flowers.
I have flowers.
[Bell dings in distance]
Okay, now you're finished
-I'm properly blessed, right?
-The best I can do.
-Good.
Good, because I'm gonna
need all the blessings.
-Okay.
-Because, you know, ever since
Rina broke up with me --
-Wasn't that three years ago?
-That don't matter.
Look, the point is, I'm doing
something about it tomorrow.
Something big.
-Okay.
-But maybe I shouldn't do it.
Maybe it's kind of,
like, dangerous.
-Okay.
-Might get me in trouble
and stuff, and maybe --
maybe I need to be told
not to do it.
-Do you want someone
to tell you not to do it?
-I mean, I'm not going to force
someone to tell me not to do it.
If they think I shouldn't do it,
then they should just
tell me not to do it.
-Oh. You mean God?
He should tell you not to do it?
-Yeah.
God, whoever.
They should tell me
if he cares not to do it.
-God doesn't want or not want
you to do anything.
It's up to you
to fulfill your destiny.
But whatever you do,
do it with a right mind.
With clarity.
-Ah.
-And [indistinct].
[Insect buzzing]
-Is that what you're doing?
You're doing all this
with clarity and devotion?
-No regrets.
-Okay, then.
If that's all God's
got to say about it,
I'll be doing it then.
-Okay.
-[Chuckles]
But if God doesn't want me
to do it,
this really is his last chance
to tell me.
-Okay.
Well, I shall finish my prayers.
Goodbye.
-Okay, then.
Uh, good chat.
[Bell chimes]
-So, who wants to go first?
-I still don't get why
I had to be the old woman.
-Well, he's clearly too pretty
to be the old woman,
and I think you've got
a natural propensity for it.
-I really think this thobe
is too big on me.
-Yes, but you're doing
all the physical work,
so I wanted
to give you room to maneuver.
-And you don't think
this nose ring is too much?
-It makes your eyes sparkle.
-Really?
-I can barely look at you.
-You guys ready for this
or What?
-Yes.
-Ready.
-Yep.
-Ready.
-Yeah.
-Let's do this.
[Sighs]
Can you hurry up? It'll take us
an hour to get in there.
-This is how my character walks.
-You can do it in the store.
You don't have to do it now.
-Hello, young lady.
What a pretty sari.
-Thanks.
-The store will be closing
in 15 minutes.
-You two head in the restroom.
I'll get Paru.
-Yeah.
[Gate opening loudly]
[Gate closely loudly]
-This way.
Wait here.
I'll let you out later.
-It's freezing in here.
Hey.
My brain is going to shiver
to the size
of your uncle's testosterone
producing anatomy.
-It won't be long, okay?
Just keep out of sight.
[Door opens]
[Shopping cart clacking]
-I'm leaving.
See you tomorrow.
-Yes, sir.
[Knock on door]
Hello.
Anyone here?
Stores closing.
[Door opens]
[Safe keypad beeping]
[Door opens, closes]
[Electricity clacking]
[Slurping]
[Keys jingle, doors lock]
-[Exhales sharply]
Snacks.
I need snacks.
The drill.
[Drill whirring]
[Indistinct]
[Bell dings]
[Panting]
Yeah, just as I thought.
We'll need the blow torch.
[Blow torch whooshing]
[Bell dings]
-You sure you know
what you're doing?
-You think I got your mother's
[speaks native language]
for nothing?
[Panting]
[Saw whirring]
[Screams]
Come out!
[Grunting]
[Bell dings]
[Bell dings]
[Grunts]
[Bell dings]
[Bangs on safe]
-So much for II F'ing T.
-This is worse than
the immigration system.
Keeping me locked out.
-So, no diamonds, huh?
-How many numbers
would the combination have?
-Eight.
Which means there are 40,320
different permutations.
[Keypad beeping]
[Safe beeps]
-How did you?
-Rina's birthday.
-Ah, mango pickle.
-Oh.
-Dirty diamonds.
-Why does it say
for Rina's wedding?
-I don't know. I don't know
how he label his shit.
[Electricity clicking]
[Electricity humming]
[Switch clicks]
[Switch clicks]
[Switch clicks]
[Door opens]
[Door closes]
[Door opens]
-What the hell?!
[Indistinct shouting]
[Shopping carts rattling]
[Singing in native language]
-What do you think?
Turquoise or aquamarine?
-Why?
[Calm music playing in store]
-What? Why what?
-Why'd you steal them?
-[Chuckles] Steal?
Steal what?
-My dad said somebody broke
into his office
and stole my wedding diamonds.
So, why did you do it?
-I didn't.
I didn't do it.
-Well, it doesn't
change anything.
I'm still going to marry him.
-Wait.
Why are you marrying
that guy anyway?
-Because...
I know it can never break
my heart,
even if he tried.
Oh, and by the way,
if my dad finds out it was you,
he's going to kick your ass.
-And if I did get my ass kicked,
would you care?
-I always cared.
You were the one
who couldn't
jump in all the way.
-What if I jumped in now?
What if I was ready now?
-Then you should tell me.
But not by robbing
my dad's store.
You're not the one
that's supposed to be stupid.
[Door opens]
-I don't know what all that
diamond stuff was about.
[Scoffs] Not a clue.
[Sighs]
-So, we sell them?
-Of course sell them.
-Or donate them
to the cat shelter.
Or not.
-Well, maybe we just keep them.
[Clears throat]
-But what about your
aunties' valves?
-And him going to Bollywood?
-And appropriation?
-And cash in the bank
to compensate
for my never arriving
addendum sucking green card?
-Okay, whatever.
I'm just talking.
The question is, who are
we going to sell them to?
-Gangsters. We have to find
some gangsters.
Like Russian ones
or Irish ones
or any other
ethnic gangster group.
-You know any?
-No.
-I knew some gangsters at IIT,
but now they're working
in Silicon Valley.
-Why don't we sell them
back to him?
-Back to who?
-Rina's dad.
I mean, he'd want them back,
and he ain't going to
call the cops
because they're illegal anyway.
-I like it.
It's a good idea.
We make him pay twice
for his nefariousness.
-And maybe he won't ever be
nefarious ever again.
-But he gets the diamonds back.
-Yeah, but he still
reappropriate
some of his illegal wealth.
I mean, that's why
we're doing this, right?
-It doesn't make sense.
Why would they
take the diamonds
but not the cash, too?
-Maybe it's because
they're really stupid.
-You're our expert on
that subject, aren't you?
-Thank you,
[speaks native language].
You guys, I think
these might be disguises.
-Of course they're bloody
disguises.
Catch eight-year-olds
moving around like that.
-Right. No, no, no. I was just
confirming it for myself.
[Line ringing]
-What.
-Sir, someone on
line two wants to talk to you
about the break in.
-Hello? Who is this?
-[As Don Vito Corleone]
Mr. Juneja, I need you
to listen up
and listen up close.
-What? I can't understand
what you're saying.
-I said I need you
to listen to me.
-Where are you?
Who am I talking to?
-That ain't the way this goes.
You listen to me
and I ask the questions.
Unless I ask the questions,
and then you give me the answer.
-What is this all about?
-It's about the diamonds.
We've got your diamonds.
-Well, then you better
return them to me,
if you know what's good for you.
-Well, you can't have them back.
You understand what I'm saying?
You can't have them.
-Then why are you calling me,
you moron?
-To make you an offer.
An offer you better not refuse.
-I don't know who you are
or what stupid
accent you're doing.
-He said my accent is stupid.
-I like it. I think it's good.
-It's so good.
-Listen, we want $40,000
or we pass your filthy
diamonds on to the cops and tell
them where we what we got them.
So, baseball field tomorrow,
11 A.M..
Don't be late, and just you.
-Hey, wait.
[Telephone clacks]
-I think I swallowed
some Kleenexs.
-[Indistinct] Are you going
to give them
the 40,000 American?
-Of course I'm not going to give
them 40,000 American.
I'm going to give them a beating
that they'll never forget,
whoever they are.
-Okay.
[Indian music playing on radio]
[Tool clicking]
[Children playing]
-I think I see their milk wagon.
-So we're clear, right?
You get the money.
You bring it back here, and only
then you take the diamonds over.
-Roger that.
-I still don't see
why she has to do it.
I mean, it's kind of dangerous.
-She's the one that has
the best disguise.
-It's true, I do.
--I know, but still it's --
-It's okay.
I know we got
each other's back.
[Seatbelts click]
-Give me the cash.
-Looks good, no?
Almost looks real.
-You're engaged to my daughter.
What else do you want?
A bloody medal?
-No, no, no, no.
Just a kind word would be nice.
Now, listen, as soon as I have
the diamonds,
come and grab
whoever's there.
These [speaks native language]
won't mess with me again.
Got it?
-Mm-hmm.
[Birds chirping]
He's lucky to be having me
as a son-in-law.
-He's there.
-You good?
-Oh, yeah.
Super good.
[Birds chirping]
[Groans]
Hello, young sir.
What a lovely morning.
-We can drop the old man act.
I've seen the security footage.
I know how nimble you are.
-I'm going to stay in character,
if you're not be minding.
I'm very committed.
-Where are my diamonds?
-Your money first.
-Here. Now, my diamonds.
-I need to check the paper,
then I get your diamonds.
-There you check.
Now, my diamonds.
-I need to check it properly!
-Done.
-Cash first.
-Diamonds.
[Indistinct shouting]
-It doesn't look like
it's going that well.
-Show me the cash!
-The diamonds, the diamonds!
-Give me the cash!
-Oh.
-You're a very bad man.
-Who are you? Huh?
-[Grunting]
-Who are you?
[Groans]
-[Speaks in native language]
Maybe we should go help?
I mean, he doesn't
have the diamonds.
He said to wait
until he had the diamonds.
Maybe we should just go anyway.
No, no, no.
He might get upset,
but then he might
get upset if you don't go.
So maybe we should just go
[Indistinct shouting]
-Go get her.
-She needs help.
Give me the diamonds.
We'll just give them back.
-No, they don't get them back
till we get the money.
-Just give me the diamonds.
-These aren't even the diamonds!
-What?
-They're pieces
of costume jewelry.
I -- I switched them out.
-This is nothing
like "Sunny and Salim."
-Wait.
You're not in disguise.
They'll know who you are.
-What about you?
-Don't worry about me.
-Okay.
-Go.
-[Screams]
-We have to help him.
-Fine then.
-Get him in the car.
[Engine revs]
-At IIT would say that
this particular hypothesis
has been poked in the face
and proved to be falsifiable.
-You were here a few days ago
making a big song and dance
on my checkout counter.
What is that about?
[Indistinct conversations]
[Chair clacking]
-Tell him, tell him now.
Tell him!
Will you tell him?
Tell him now.
Tell him, tell him.
Tell him!
Tell him, tell him.
Fine.
[Chair clacking]
-And the girl
from the newspaper,
she was here the same time.
Does she have anything
to do with you?
[Chair scraping]
-Tell him.
Tell him now.
Tell him!
Better tell him.
Tell him.
Tell him.
[Chair scraping]
-Would you like a soda?
How about a soda?
-Yes?
[Soda can pops]
A soda.
-Take it!
Better take it.
Drink it, yeah.
-Did you guys see?
-I think you're trying
to force him to drink
some kind of truth serum.
-We've got to get him
out of there.
Any ideas?
-Oh, yeah, I got one.
-What is it?
-We go in through the roof.
-The roof?
-By way of a helicopter.
[Helicopter blades whirring]
They'll never be expecting it.
We lay down
some plastic explosives
in a really neat circle.
Or better get in the shape
of a rangoli so it's auspicious.
The explosives are wired
to a remote.
We press it, and it blows
a hole in the roof.
[Explosion]
Then we jump through
the hole and rescue him.
No, you're right.
[Speech rewinding]
We don't have any rope.
-Does anyone have a doable idea
of how we can get in there?
-You could always
try walking in.
-Unless you're really dumb.
-So, these are the four idiots
who thought
they could steal from me.
-Now, even your friends realize
what an American-born
loser you are.
-You two acquainted?
-He used to date Rina,
until she realized
what a deadbeat he was
and dumped his ass
and found herself a real man.
-You used to date my daughter?
-For two years.
I was in and out
of your house.
I went out for dinner
with you and everything.
You don't remember me?
-I have no recollection.
-[Chuckles]
But here is one thing I do know.
I want you to take
this other idiot
my daughter is now engaged to...
-That's me.
-...and bring back my diamonds.
-You mean your dirty diamonds.
-What do you mean,
dirty diamonds?
They belong to
my great grandmother.
And the only thing dirty
about those diamonds
where the four British soldier
she killed
when they tried
to steal them from her.
[Bird cawing]
[Indian music playing on radio]
-Hey, I'm just going
to pick something up.
-Hello, auntie.
How are you?
-You friend of Vinny?
-Oh, yes.
In his dreams.
-Mom, have you seen a tin
in here
with costume jewelry?
-You mean this one?
-[Sighs]
[Sewing machine whirring]
What happened to
the stuff inside?
-Oh, the pieces of glass?
I used them to decorate
King Ashoka's crown,
and he sparked.
[Clicks tongue]
-The King Ashoka?
It stuck on Ashoka's crown?
-Uh-huh.
-I can't take King Ashoka's
crown, bro.
It's India's
greatest emperor.
He slaughtered thousands,
felt bad about it,
then became a Buddhist.
-Looks like he's ready
to hand it over anyway.
-[Sighs]
-King Ashoka.
Please forgive me.
-Hey, Hey!
-I can't believe you lied to me!
[Indistinct shouting]
[All slurping]
[Door opens]
[Speaks native language]
I brought you diamonds.
-Go.
-I had to fight
King Ashoka for this.
[Door closes]
I won.
He lost.
-Well, at least we tried.
-Tried is not good enough.
Not when you're back in
the same place you was before.
-Hey, it's not all bad.
My mother lovin' green card
came in the mail today.
-That's great.
Congratulations.
-Yeah, I'm very friggin
happy for you.
But what about Zak here?
He don't get to go to Bollywood
and achieve his dreams.
-I cooled on that idea anyway.
I've got plenty
of dreaming to do here.
-You sweetheart.
Oh, and an angel investor
told me he wants to take
Great Little India Times
online
as a self uploading
video portal
automatic blockchain, NFT,
social media
sharing site for charity.
-Yeah, that is great.
But my Kalyani auntie's
heart valves are still shot,
and she don't got no money
for an operation.
-It was
[speaks native language] auntie.
I got that wrong, by the way.
-Got what wrong!
-It wasn't heart valve.
She was talking about
the plumbing in her bathroom.
She needed some kind
of new valves there.
But still pretty expensive.
Gave her heart palpitations
when she saw the bill.
-Well, she should be dying.
You all should be dying,
like I am.
Dying.
Because Rina's still engaged.
Nothing's changed.
[Wind blowing]
[Bell chimes]
-So, tell me.
What's going on?
-I don't know.
But ever since Rina
broke up with me,
I've been too scared
to do anything.
And then when I finally
did do something,
I didn't do what I thought
it was going to do.
So, why do anything at all?
-Sometimes the doing
doesn't always reap
the rewards we expect.
Sometimes we gain
and we lose other things.
And sometimes
we have to ask ourselves
are we doing the right doing.
Or are we just do-doing it out?
-Was being my dad just
do-doing around for you?
-Is that why you cut out
on me and Mom?
-I didn't cut out on you.
I'm still here.
I'm still around.
It's just my focus
is on higher things.
-Maybe I needed
some of that focus.
Maybe I needed you to see me
so I wouldn't be such a loser.
-I see you.
-I see the eternal flame in you.
[Chuckles]
And in all creatures,
and the plants.
-But I ain't
a goddamn plant, Dad.
[Bell chimes]
-The Chicken Tikka pizza's
tight, huh?
-Yeah.
Your dad knows
what he's doing.
-That's why I gotta
sing about it.
He's an inspiration.
Like you, Vin.
-Me? I ain't no inspiration,
I'm just loser,
like everybody thinks.
-Yo, cos, you inspire me.
You always have.
You're the one told me
to find that
little voice inside me
that's just mine
and make it big.
Because that's
your heart's voice, you said.
-I said that to, huh?
-Yeah, bro. Yous an artist.
It ain't easy to be an artist.
Take some dirt digging, and you
got dirt digging in spades.
-You think?
-You just gotta believe
you're worthy, bro?
-It ain't easy when no one else
believes in you.
-I believe in you.
-What about you?
Don't you got your audition
for the culture show tonight?
I don't know if I'm going
to put up, though.
-What do you mean
you ain't going to put up?
-I don't know if I want to be
a solo artist anymore.
-Hmm.
[Exhales sharply]
You need some backup, huh?
-I need to find me a crew, bro.
-Yeah, It's better
when you got a crew.
You know what?
I got you.
-Cool.
-Thanks for coming.
I'm sorry I lost it.
And I really am glad
for you all.
I'm glad you guys
found each other.
That makes you happy.
-It does. Thanks.
-And I'm glad about what you
said about your newspaper.
-You mean about it
going online
as a self-reporting
media portal,
automatic blockchain, NFT,
social media
sharing site for charity?
-Yeah, that.
-Oh
-And I'm glad you finally got
your mother lovin' green card.
-Okay, but there's reason
to swear about it.
-And I'm glad we all did
what we did,
even if it didn't work out
because we did it together.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, we did
-Definitely.
-Together.
-Together.
-Anyways, my cousin Nikki and me
is needing a crew.
So, you guys think you might
be down for another job?
[Siren chirps in distance]
[Bell chimes]
Here go your tools back.
And how many names
you got on that petition so far.
How about us Samosas
give you four more signatures?
-[Echoing] Stylin'
Let it
Stylin'
[Train tracks clacking]
-I said I got you.
-Oh, worth it.
-Very nice. Thank you.
I think they did
a wonderful job.
-Yes. Yes, they did.
Yes.
-We'll see you at the night
of the show.
[Cheers and applause]
-Thank you.
-And great costumes, Kamala.
And the next addition
is Nikki Little Slice,
backed by her cousin,
Big Boy Vin.
-Oh, him again.
-Boo!
-This is an honor
my dad's awesome pizza.
One, two, one, two, three, four!
You start with a pizza
-You start with a P
-You start with a pizza
-You start with a P
-You start with a pizza
-You start with a P
Chicken Tikki, Chicken Tikki
-Chicken Tikki, Chicken Tikki
Chicken Tikki
-Chicken Tikki
-Chicken Tikki
-Chicken Tikki
-It start with a pizza
-It start with a P
-Jalapeno, jalapeno
jalapeno, jalapeno
-Jalapeno
-Jalapeno
-Jalapeno
-Jalapeno
-You start with a pizza
-You start with a P
You start with a pizza
You start with a P
Get a life, get a life
-Get a life!
-Well, that certainly made me
feel very hungry.
-[ Laughs ]
-We'll see you at the night
of the show, Little Slice.
-Piece.
-And next, we have Guru Ram
and his sitar.
-Actually, um,
I -- I have another song
I like to do with my crew.
-Ugh.
-Oh, okay.
Very good, let's hear it.
-Okay.
-This song goes out to...
Well, she'll know who.
[Button clicks]
Should have opened up
my heart
-My heart
-Give it every part
-Every part
-Should have made you
the star of movie
-My movie
-If you give me
one more chance
-One more chance
-I will be your final dance
-Final dance
-Put your name
above the titles so truly
-So truly, yeah
-Should have told you
long ago
-Long ago
-And now I really,
really know
-Really know
-I want you no matter
the weather
-The weather, yeah
-So tell me if I can
-If I can
-Be your new man
-Your new man
-'Cause I think that I am
Yeah, I think that I am
Your best old and new plan
And I-I-I-I love
-Love you
[All panting]
-Well, the boy is not afraid
to make a fool of himself.
I'll give him that.
-Fool is right.
[Chuckles]
-That's, um, me too,
I feel the same.
We'll be in touch.
Guru Ram?
[Indistinct conversations]
-Well, I mean,
I put it out there.
-You put it out there.
-You put it out there.
-You might get knocked down,
but at least you tried.
-At least you tried.
-Trying's what's important.
-Gotta try.
-And we make a good crew, right?
-We make a good crew.
-Very good.
[Door opens]
-Hey.
-Hey.
[Door closes]
-That was a really nice song.
Thanks.
-Yeah.
It was in your style.
I'm trying, you know?
-Well, it worked.
Kind of honest.
But your eyebrows are a mess.
-They are? Ah...
-You really haven't been looking
after them, have you?
-Uh...
Not like properly.
-Come in tomorrow,
and we'll see
if they're saveable.
And I don't give those out
to just anybody.
[Door opens, closes]
-Ooh, free eyebrow trimming
That's a major score
right there.
-Yeah. [Chuckles]
-I think it might well be.
-Mm-hmm.
-So, what do you guys think?
Let's get some chaat.
-I freaking love chaat.
-Always down for snacks.
-Okay then.
-Yeah.
-Let's do chaat.
-Let's go.
[Door opens]
-Hey, cos.
You doing chaat?
-Yeah, we doing chaat.
-Cool. I'm writing
a song about chaat.
-A song about chaat?
How's it go?
-What is it? How's it go?
-It's like...
Samaso chaat, samaso chaat,
samaso chaat
-Samaso chaat, samaso chaat,
samaso chaat
Samaso chaat, samaso chaat,
samaso chaat, samaso chaat
-La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
-La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
-Like I said, a story about love
or finding your voice again.
Or maybe it's just a story
about finding a crew.
-Yeah, yeah.
Definitely a story
about finding your crew.
Definitely.
-Wake up and it's Monday
Shit, Monday ain't
my fun day
Boss on our ass, all we tryin'
do is pass the time
Sit around
with the homies unwinded
Just relax,
bear in mind
Glass half full,
one step at a time
Ain't in a rush,
gonna get what's ours
Chillin' by the pool,
man, happy in the hours
Don't know what's
comin' my way
Could be bad, could be good
But in the end it's okay,
see
It's about the moment
right here
Gonna celebrate
this woman right here
Friends and family
by my side
We can do it all, man,
nothing to hide
Let's live for the day,
even if it's Monday
Take a deep breath
in day by day
-La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
La, la, la, la
[Sitar chord strikes]
-That was some wonderful
picking Guru Ram.
We will see you at the night
of the show.
-Thank you.
-And the next addition
is a song by Pushpa, I believe.
Oh, Pushpa, you work at my
favorite sari store, don't you?
I didn't know you were a singer.
In your own time.
-Movie sold out,
only rush line tickets
Lined around the block
and in the show no crickets
Don't matter who you know,
don't matter how you knock
Only way you're gettin' in
is if you win, win, win
Because they want
to hear our story
Time for us to take
a bit of glory
Come along for the journey,
hey
They gonna put you
on a gurney
Lay it on the seat, man,
film it like a Polaroid
Samosas on your timeline,
this ain't daytime
It's primetime
Never seen it comin'
but we're comin' up on time
The sun is shinin'
and we're all reclinin'
Reflections refinin' on you
They say it's time
and we ain't declinin'
We're up here, we're flyin'
It's true.
The sun is shinin'
and we're all reclinin'
Reflections refinin' on you
They say it's time
and we ain't declinin'.
We're up here, we flyin'
It's true
It's a better day,
it's a brighter day.
It's a better, better, better,
brighter day
It's a better day,
it's a brighter day
It's a better better, better,
better, brighter day.
Chana chaat, chana chaat
Chana, chana, chana, chana,
chana chaat
Chana chaat, chana chaat
Chana, chana, chana, chana,
chana chaat
Delhi chaat, delhi chaat
Delhi, delhi, delhi, delhi,
delhi chaat
Delhi chaat, delhi chaat
Delhi, delhi, delhi, delhi,
delhi chaat
The sun is shinin'
and we're all reclinin;
Reflections refinin' on you
They say it's time,
and we ain't declinin'
We're up here, we're flyin'
It's true
The sun is shinin'
and we're all reclinin'
Reflections refinin' on you
They say it's time
and we ain't declinin'
We're up here, we flyin'
It's true
[Bullet ricochets]
-Damn.
-Sunny!
-[Groans]
-Sunny!
Sunny, Sunny.
-[Groans]
-Sunny!
Sunny.
[Sobbing]
Sunny!