Francis in the Navy (1955) Movie Script

These are some of the newest
weapons in our arsenal of defense.
Fantastic, fearsome
and reassuring.
Even weapons like these,
however, would mean little
unless we were at least
one jump ahead of the enemy.
Thus, to stay a jump ahead, a foremost
concern of our armed forces is security.
From well-trained guards
to electronic code machines,
we work constantly to protect
our military secrets.
And when it comes to data
of the most critical nature,
the kind around which revolves
the destiny of the free world,
even codes are not enough.
These top secrets
are entrusted to only
the most carefully
chosen couriers.
Good morning, Prescott.
Good morning, Stirling.
Did you bring it? It's in
the bag and it's plenty hot.
Well, here you are.
One for you and one for me.
That's just what I need, Pete, my boy.
My nerves are shot.
Tough night?
Yeah, a tough message from
the navy base at Coronado.
Harder to crack than a
top sergeant's heart.
Hmm. Navy, huh? Yeah.
Well, I'll tell you
what, Prescott.
I've got a 30-day
leave coming up,
and back home there's
a little old lady
who runs a candy store where
they sell salt water taffy.
I'll have her break It for you.
That's very funny. Very funny.
Here. Try it yourself, buddy.
It's all yours. Thank you.
Oh, no!
This is terrible! It can't happen!
It mustn't happen!
And I won't let it happen!
What's the matter? This is war!
War? War? Yeah, a personal war.
Me and the Navy.
Well, where're you going?
What's in that message?
I told you, Prescott,
it's personal.
Stirling, what does that say?
I can't tell you!
You can't leave here
with that message!
Get outta my way, Prescott!
I'm in a hurry!
But you said yourself
over and over
all messages must be
cleared through security!
I did? You've said
it a hundred times!
Now, what're you gonna do?
Eat my words!
Your flight is 303 leaving
next Tuesday at 10:00 a.m.
Thank you very much.
Oh! Excuse me.
I phoned you. You've got my tickets.
I'm Peter Stirling.
Slicker, what are
you doing here?
And in that uniform!
But now, look, Miss...
I think you have the...
How could you do such a thing?
Yeah, but I didn't. I didn't. I
didn't do it. I didn't... Like what?
Wearing an Army
officer's uniform.
They'll throw you in the brig!
In the what? They'll
throw me in the what...
Now, look, Madam, I think
you've made a mistake.
I mean, Miss... Sir...
Be quiet! You're attracting
attention, Slicker.
Slicker? Who's he? I'm not him.
He's not me. I don't even...
Now, now, see here.
Now wait, please...
Slicker, you shouldn't
have done it.
I didn't do it. I didn't do it.
Well, we're not gonna
argue the point.
You're getting out of
that uniform right now.
Out of my uniform? Now, look.
See here! Now stop...
You're getting back
into your own uniform.
Why, this is my uniform. I...
Come on and cooperate.
Please. Look, you don't
know what you're doing.
Come on. Get out of this silly outfit!
All of it!
It's my uniform and I... Will you...
Look, madam... Sir...
Miss, will you...
You're gonna take the next
plane back to Coronado.
Come on, Slicker. You're gonna
have your own uniform on.
This is my own uniform.
And now the pants.
The pants? No, no!
Oh, no, you don't.
These are my pants
and this is my uniform!
Peter Stirling. Army!
I didn't do it. I didn't do it.
Is it possible?
Yes, it is possible.
But you look exactly like him.
Yeah, but I'm not him! He's not me!
I don't even know him!
I don't know what to say.
I'm awfully sorry.
Yeah, well, you
should, you should be!
Flight 46
leaving immediately...
That's my plane.
I gotta get outta here.
At Gate Three.
Flight 46 leaving
immediately at Gate Three.
Now there's something
you really should investigate.
Excuse me, sailor. Yeah?
Where do I get the bus
for the naval base?
Out front, soldier.
Just leaving.
Thank you.
Hey, Slicker!
There's your auction, Lieutenant.
Well, Lieutenant,
it's high time you got here.
How did you arrive?
By dog sled?
Gee, you don't even
seem glad to see me.
Oh, I guess I am.
I've sure missed you.
Oh, Pete. Break it up.
I'm nauseous enough from the
salt water around here anyway.
But, I don't understand.
You, an Army mule in the Navy.
Well, what happened?
Oh, I got tapped for a joint operation.
Somebody goofed the signal.
When it was over, I found
myself hitched to a Navy detail
and declared surplus. Oh!
Well, now the problem
is to get you out.
Get me out. And I
don't want to be bought
by just any nincompoop.
You'd rather be bought by me.
Right? Right!
Now, how you fixed for ammo?
I got a full month's pay.
All right. Get in there
and start biddin'.
Remember, Lieutenant,
no slip-ups this time.
Are you worried?
Worried? Heavens, no.
These aren't gray
hairs in my tail.
I'm just a husky
silver fox.
Leave everything to me.
What's the big idea?
What, are you crazy?
Look who's talkin'. Slicker,
you gotta stop this.
Slicker? Why does
everybody call me Slicker?
Knock it off. You've
gone too far this time.
Now, come on let's get
rid of this phony uniform.
Oh, not again. Well,
it's for your own good.
And for once, don't kick up a fuss.
Just come along quietly.
Now, now, look!
You've got the wrong man.
I just look like
somebody that you know.
Yeah, and if you don't
stop acting like him,
they're gonna throw
the book at you.
Come on, let's get
back to the outfit.
This is insubordination!
Maybe the authorities
ought to settle this!
Not so loud. Loud?
Okay, okay.
Have it your own way.
Forget I said anything. Just go
on doing what you were doing.
Well, I never.
Hey, Jonesy!
What gives, Murph?
It's Slicker again.
Oh, no. Yeah.
Where's Rick and Tony?
They're over in the quarters.
Battle stations, men!
What's up, Murph?
Battle stations! What's up?
Condition red! What's goin' on?
Slicker's off again.
Oh, no! Not again!
Just when I was
taking my beauty nap.
What's the matter?
Is he tanked up?
He's cold sober and wearing
an officer's uniform.
An officer's uniform? Army!
Army? Ai yi yi.
What's all the fuss?
"What's all the fuss?"
If Donevan's off his rocker, why
don't you let them put him In psycho?
You're new to this outfit, Tate.
You don't know Slicker.
The guy's a war hero.
He's been decorated eight times!
He's Navy, through and through!
Oh, sure. All Navy.
That's why he's always running
out without a liberty card.
He's a victim of combat fatigue.
He has relapses.
Yeah, innocent
little mental quirks.
Quirks, my foot! He's batty.
Thanks for the lift, baby.
Bye, Slicker, honey.
See you kids later.
How about me, Slicker?
Am I an orphan?
Relax, baby.
You're Marine property now.
Just for old times' sake?
Nothin' personal, matey.
One pucker, water boy,
and you're gonna be
hollerin' for damage control.
Like I said, matey,
nothin' personal.
Goodbye, ladies. Bye.
Hi. Hi.
It can't be! You must be wrong.
I am not! All right,
men, what's it all about?
What'd you do with the uniform?
What uniform?
I saw you
with my own eyes.
That olive drab ensemble.
Yeah. What the well-dressed bosun mate
wears when he impersonates an Army officer.
Murph's been seeing things.
You haven't been feelin' too well, Slicker.
You gotta be careful.
Don't do it again.
Get a grip on yourself.
Relax, chum. When I need a nurse,
I know where to lay my hands on one.
What do you think, Murph?
All clear for the moment.
I guess.
Come on, guys.
See you later. Yeah.
Hey, Murph. You saw me wearing
an Army officer's uniform?
It's no use tryin'
to deny it, mate.
Where'd you see me?
The same place you saw me,
at the Naval surplus auction.
At the auction, huh?
And you're sure it was me?
Well, sure I am.
Listen, mate, if there hadn't
been such a crowd at that auction,
I'd have hauled
you back by myself.
Thanks. You're a pal.
You want a lift?
No. I'm goin' over to Ships Service
to pick up some shaving cream.
Okay. But steer clear
of them rocks and shoals.
Are you all done?
$5, three times.
Sold for $5.
Take him away.
And now we come to number 57.
What have we here? A mule.
All right, you ranchers
and farmers!
Let's start the bidding at $100!
Well, do I hear 75?
Well, let's start at $30.
Do I hear a bid?
$25. Thank you, sir.
Thirty! Thirty! I have $30.
Do I hear 35?
$30! I have 30, I want 35.
$35! Thank you!
Forty! Forty! I have 40!
Thank you. I have $40. $40. $40.
Do I hear $45 for this
wonderful animal?
Get lost, Fatso.
Do I hear 45?
Do I hear 45?
Forty-five! $45!
$45! Forty five! I have 45!
Do I hear 50?
Fifty! $50! I have $50!
Fifty! I hear $50! $50.
Gee, I'm awfully sorry!
That's all right,
Really, I'm...
Is there another bid? Fifty's the bid!
Fifty, once!
Fifty-five! Do I hear 60?
Sixty! $60! I have 60!
I have 60!
Sixty! Sixty! The bid is 60! Can I
get one more bid on this fine animal?
Hey, my wallet's gone! My money!
I lost my money!
Mmm, that's my boy.
The bid is 60!
Sixty-five! Sixty-five! Sixty-five, once!
Sixty-five, twice!
Seventy! The bid is seventy!
Can I get one more?
Seventy-five, once, twice.
Bid 80!
The bid is 80!
Shh, Francis, don't! The bid is 80!
Do I hear 85?
- Eighty-five!
- Eighty-five once!
Can I get another bid
on this fine animal?
One hundred!
$100, once, twice.
Sold! For $100.
Take him away.
Francis, you'll be stuck in the Navy.
What are we gonna do?
Better raise that 100
bucks fast, Lieutenant.
Yeah, 100...
$100? Fast?
Now, folks, number 58. Sorrel
gelding, eight years old.
Yeah, well, if you
want to help Slicker,
you'd better
get there in a hurry.
Oh, he's really
on the loose this time.
He's in an Army
officer's uniform.
Sixty, 70, 80. No,
I've got to have 100.
I'm sorry, my laddie.
Hey, what about the bag itself?
That oughta be worth something.
All right.
I'll give you 100 even.
Oh. Well, thanks. Thanks a lot.
Wait a minute! Wait!
What are you gonna do to me?
It's all right, Slicker. It's all right.
We're takin' you home.
But I'm not Slicker!
Now don't make it difficult
like the last time!
I'm not Slicker! What are you...
You've got the wrong man!
Sure, you are! Sure, you are!
Now, listen!
Really, I'm not Slicker!
Everything's gonna be all right!
Now, look. I'm Lieutenant
Peter Stirling.
Yeah, Lieutenant!
Sure, we're your honor guard!
Look, can't we discuss...
Pull his pants off!
Can't we discuss this later? I've
got something very important to do!
Oh, you won't need
this phony dog tag.
That's my dog tag!
I've gotta buy a mule!
Really, I do! I've gotta buy a mule!
I've got the money right here!
Sure, I'll buy you
one for your birthday.
Yeah, but, now really, I've gotta buy a...
It's gonna be all right!
We're trying to help.
Now take it easy.
We're trying to help you.
You're gonna be all right.
I'm not Slicker.
Yes, sir?
Er, I've changed my mind.
I'd like to claim my things.
But, you... Just now they...
Oh, I'd rather you
forgot that incident, sir.
You see, it happens all
the time in my occupation.
Secret Service. Oh, I see.
I tell you, you're
making a mistake!
I'm not Slicker, whoever he is.
But I tell you,
you're making a mistake!
Now take your hands off me!
Leave me alone!
Okay, Slicker. Come on.
Oh, no! Oh, not again!
Come on, Slicker. Put your
clothes on like a good guy.
Hey, Mac, what's up?
Found him In town in an
Army officer's uniform.
Army uniform?
Yeah, that's my uniform!
All right, now. Let's
have it out with your CO.
There's such a thing
as protocol!
Hold it, Slicker. Everything's
gonna be all right.
Slicker? How many times do I
have to tell you that I'm not...
So I look like somebody
in your outfit!
But we can't look
that much alike!
Now, look at me! Look at me!
I'm Lieutenant
Peter Stirling! Army!
We'll take it from here.
Thanks for bringing' him in.
Keep an eye on the guy. Yeah.
Oh, this belongs to him.
I've always been
Lieutenant Stirling,
except when I was a civilian,
but even then I wasn't Slicker!
Sure you were. He
don't know who he is!
Now, of course I know who I am!
It's you fellows that don't know who I am!
I told you...
Wait! Don't leave me here!
Hey, take it easy, mate!
This is where you belong. Sure.
Don't you remember me? Murph?
And Tony? Good old Tony?
And Jonesy? And then Rick?
You know me.
Now come on. Let's lie down, shall we?
Yeah. Lie down!
Lie down? We shall not! We
shall go directly to your CO.
But a little rest, Slicker,
and you'll be your old self.
I am my old self!
Now listen, fellas! You'd
better stay away from me.
See, I told you before!
Now, you guys...
Now listen, you...
He shouldn't have done that.
I demand to see your commanding officer!
I insist!
In your skivvies, chum?
In nobody else's skivvies!
Now, look, Slicker, you...
And that's another thing!
Tell him that Lieutenant
Stirling demands an interview.
Who? Me!
Well, make up your mind!
Now, look, if...
Skip it! Now, look,
Slicker, you can't go in.
Commander! Commander. Yes, I...
I'm about to make the
understatement of the year!
You, Donevan,
are out of uniform!
Yeah, I realize that,
sir, but...
No shirt, no pants,
and brown socks!
Donevan, is that their
color or their condition?
Well, you see, there's
been a mistake, sir.
As a matter of fact, you're making a
mistake. I am not who you think I am.
What was that?
Well, I am who
you think I am not.
That is, I used to be
Lieutenant Stirling.
That is, I am him, he. Who?
He who I am.
And not Slicker, that is.
Poor boy.
I wrote your sister, but even then
I never realized how bad it was.
May we have
a word with you, sir?
Now, now, don't listen to them, sir!
Don't listen to them!
That's just a case
of mistaken identity.
I just look like somebody. Somebody
apparently. But I can explain.
My boy, what did you
say your name was?
Lieutenant Peter Stirling.
United States Army.
Army? Yes, sir. I just flew in.
You just flew in? Yes.
I came to buy a mule.
A mule?
Yeah. Well, I guess you're
wondering what I'd want with a mule.
Oh, no! No, no, I...
Well, that... That's
another story, sir.
A rather incredible one,
but I can explain if I could just
see you for a few minutes in privacy.
Yes, of course! Oh, thank you, sir.
Thank you.
Poor Slicker!
Well, it finally happened, sir.
He went off his rocker.
But Navy, all Navy.
Slicker, when you gold-brick,
you do it in spades.
Now, let's get something
straight, Miss Standish.
I am not Slicker Donevan.
I did not get myself
slapped in to psycho to
see you or any other girl.
And I did not kiss you
behind your mess hall.
Oh, what a fib. And you told
me you were crazy about me.
You told me I was beautiful.
What are you doing?
Well, the doctor told me
to take your pulse.
You can't get a true reading this way.
Now, Miss Standish.
As long as it's high.
Good morning, Standish.
And how is our patient?
Dreamy. Oh, he'll
snap to pretty soon.
She was taking my pulse.
I thought so.
Suppose we have a talk about
your childhood, young man.
Well, I'll save you
some time, Doctor.
I did not hate my mother.
I had a very happy childhood.
My father did not sell my dog.
This statue does not
represent my alter ego.
I did not take out
my frustrations on it.
It just happens to be
a bust of Napoleon,
and I thought
it was expected of me.
You shouldn't force
these things, Donevan.
I'd rather you just follow your
natural feelings. Let yourself go.
I would be very happy to if you'd
give me a pair of pants to go in.
And if you went,
who would you go as?
I mean, who do you think
is the real you?
I've told you a hundred times!
I am Lieutenant Peter Stirling.
Serial number 0397124.
My papers were stolen and
I'm on a 30-day leave!
Donevan, you mentioned
somebody whom you claim
can substantiate
your schizophrenic...
I mean, your other self.
Forget it. I've changed my mind.
Because you would just think
that I'm crazier than I am.
I mean, than you think I am.
Not necessarily.
Oh, now believe me, Doctor,
I've been admitted to some of the
best psychiatric wards here and abroad
on this little item.
What little item?
Francis. Francis?
Who is Francis?
Francis is a mule. He is a talking mule.
And he talks to me.
And when he talks to me,
even in his silliest moments,
he makes more sense than you do.
See that he's comfortable,
will you?
I am going to confer
with the Commander.
Hi, baby doll.
No! Baby doll.
Why, honey, what's the matter?
Aren't you feelin' good?
Appleby, how would you feel if
everybody thought you were crazy?
Do I seem crazy to you?
Mmm-hmm. Real crazy.
Look, now, Appleby, I told you before
that you are not the only girl in my life.
I mean, that every girl is
not the only girl in my life.
I mean, I didn't kiss you
at the movies.
Well, honey, somebody
did, like this.
Now, I refuse to accept these
attentions under false pretenses.
Now, look, I'm Lieutenant
Peter Stirling.
Serial number 031972...
Serial number 03971...
Honey, who counts?
Honey, I'll see you
at lunch time.
She was taking my pulse.
Some pulse.
Yeah, well, did you get the
information, Miss Kittredge?
Oh, I sure did, sweetie!
But first...
Well, Slicker!
That's not the way you kissed
me at the party Saturday night.
That must've been some party.
Now, now, then,
what did you find out?
Just as you thought. They
are working with a mule.
What kind of work?
Well, they're using the large
displacement amplitude oscillator
to test the stability
of animals in transport.
Well, how do they do that?
Take one mule and shake well.
Shut it off!
Get that thing out of here!
Yes, sir.
It's been two days now and we still
haven't been able to get that reading!
That stupid jackass
just won't stop jiggling!
You know that sometimes I
think it does it intentionally?
It acts perfectly fine when
you take it off the oscilla...
The oscillator.
All right, Skipper.
Let's start the shakedown cruise.
Shut this off!
Do something! Don't stand there!
Shut it off!
Do you hear what I say?
Who, may I ask,
threw that switch?
Not I, sir.
Well, I assure you, I didn't do it.
Well, somebody threw...
No. No, it couldn't have.
And yet...
Oh, no, Doctor.
You're losing your grip.
We'll continue
this tomorrow, Doctor.
Yes, Doctor. It'll be
much better tomorrow.
This way, Doctor. No. Oh, no.
Francis! Well, whatta you know!
It's the boy idiot!
Come in the office.
Well, you can't imagine
what happened to me.
Yes, I can. They
put you in psycho.
Yes! They think I'm crazy! Well?
Are you waitin' for my opinion?
Well, certainly.
I mean, you gotta do somethin'!
Yeah, that's using the old head.
Now, why don't try
using the new one?
Pete, that's a joke.
Look, will you stop joking with me?
I'm in a terrible situation!
What do you think I'm in?
They've launched me on a
career in this man's navy.
Cold weather survival!
Seasick tests! The works!
Well, I told you
it's not my fault.
They keep insisting
I'm somebody else!
Why don't you quit
while you're winning?
You mean you're
not gonna help me?
Oh, I guess I'll have to.
'Cause you can't help me when
you're stuck in a hospital ward.
You bet I can't. Now, how do I get out?
Well, let's see.
I gather by the scuttlebutt,
they think you're Slicker
Donevan, bosun mate, huh?
Of course you keep
insisting that you ain't,
well, they think you've
slipped your trolley, uh?
Exactly! Now, what're
we gonna do about it?
Francis predicts!
All you have to do is admit
you're Slicker Donevan and presto!
You're out of the hospital!
you've done it again!
I'll say!
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I'm out of the hospital
and into the Navy.
Oh, we'll worry about that
when we get there, yeah?
I'm worried about it right now.
Oh, Pete! Do as I say!
Admit you're Slicker
Donevan and act normal!
Come here. What?
One thing worries me.
How do we get you
to act normal, huh?
Thirteen. That's unlucky.
Okay, Slicker. Hey, Donevan!
At ease.
I want to take
this opportunity, Donevan,
to welcome you back
to your unit.
Well, thank you, sir!
I must, in all honesty,
say that your rapid recovery
has left doubt in some minds
as to your actual condition.
In fact, it has been suggested that
you might have been gold-bricking.
Oh, no, sir! Not a bit, sir!
Of course, in our unit, we know
that you're Navy, all Navy.
However, in deference to other
opinions, I feel compelled to warn you.
We've a high standard
to maintain, Donevan,
so don't get out
of line again, sailor.
If you do, I'll throw the book at you!
Is that clear?
Yes, sir.
But if I may discuss this...
Old Hutch read you the
riot act, huh? Yep.
Well, don't let it
get you down, kid.
It's all over now and
you're out of trouble.
Now hear this!
All LCVP crews...
Hey, that's us. Come on.
Man your boats
for beaching drill!
Beaching drill?
Come on!
Hey! Whatta you know? Betsy.
Who? Oh, her.
Oh, Slicker! I'm so
glad you're okay again!
Hi, Murph. Hi, cookie.
What're you doin' here?
Didn't you tell him?
I had myself transferred
to the base hospital.
Someone has to keep
an eye on him.
Be careful, darling. All right, driver.
Don't forget, be careful.
Now hear this. Bye.
Now hear this. All LCVP crews man
your boats for beaching drill.
Hey, Slicker, let's knock on it.
Why, I didn't notice
before. She's lovely.
Yeah, she's a dish.
Oh, she's got everything.
Even rank.
And the way she kissed me.
Yeah, it should happen to me.
Come on.
Betsy. What a beautiful name.
Let's go!
Slicker, we've got a boat drill.
You can see your sister later.
Oh, fine.
My sister?
Donevan, get in your
dungarees and shove off.
My sister?
Did you hear me? Oh, yes, sir.
I'm depending on you to bring
your boat in on the button!
Yes, sir! Bring my
boat in on the button!
Yes, sir! Bring my... My boat...
Bring my boat?
Lower all boats
to the rail!
What's the matter, Slicker?
Don't you feel good? Let's go.
Hey, cut it, Slicker!
Not yet!
Watch out!
Hey, Slicker.
We're goin' the wrong way.
Slicker, hard right!
Slicker! The beach!
Turn her around!
They're gonna swamp us!
Great balls of fire!
He's coming in backwards!
Hold it, Donevan! Steady!
Don't drop the ramp!
Slicker! Slicker,
are you all right?
Oh, I guess
I'm still in the Navy.
And old Hutch is proud of you.
Proud of me?
They found the steering
cables were all twisted.
How you ever brought that
boat in at all is amazing.
A miracle of seamanship.
And there's only one fellow
in the whole outfit
who could've
brought her to the beach.
Who? Slicker Donevan.
Oh, him. I assure you
it was just an accident.
Well, it could've been a tragedy.
We were all worried sick.
And believe me, Donevan, they weren't
just worried about your health.
What does he mean?
What does he mean?
Well, we all pooled our
money and bet on the fight!
The fight?
You're gonna be the new
base welter-weight champ
or we're gonna be flat busted.
And how. We've bet a bundle!
We're gonna be rich!
Everything we own
is ridin' on you, Slicker.
The fight? Prize fight?
You can't!
I mean, I can't!
You said yourself
I've been sick!
I've been sick. Believe me now.
I'm not the man
that you think I am.
You'll lose all your money!
You might even lose me!
Slicker's right. Yeah!
We gotta take care of him until the
fight's over. And we start right now.
It's nap time for you, matey.
You've had a rough day.
Yeah, but I'm out of condition!
You'll have to relax. Relax.
I've got a glass jaw!
It's not even good glass!
We have the utmost confidence in you.
Now get some rest.
Just gotta get out of here.
I gotta...
I should never have
sold my barbells.
Hmm, so he's got muscles
and he's a war hero,
and the girls
are wild about him.
He's still crazy
and I'd rather be me.
Maybe I'm crazy.
Blow the man down.
Give me some time to blow.
Better oil up the old pipes.
I'd kick about these Navy cocktails
if I didn't think they'd kick back.
"Baa" yourself,
you seagoin' floor mop!
All right, Moe it's your turn.
Psst! Psst!
Wow! Pipe the foul weather gear!
They happen to be dress blues.
Look foul on you. Mmm.
Why, you actually sound like you're
enjoying yourself in the Navy.
Enjoyin' myself, cousin?
I've never eaten
better in my life.
And did you know that
after exposure to bad weather,
all the hands get
an extra ration of brandy?
Hey? Hey. Huh!
Well, I'm the one that's
out there being exposed
while you're in here
feathering your nest
without even a thought
of what's happening to me!
Well, I've had all I can take!
You poor, poor boy!
Few days in the Navy
and they break his spirit.
It's not a question of spirit.
It's against regulation.
I'm Army.
I don't care what you say!
I could be court-martialed!
Relax, chum. I've got the word.
There's a joint Army-Navy
operation cornin' up next week.
What about it?
Well, that's how
I got in. Remember?
Maybe that's how we'll get out.
Some of the Army
brass will be here
and you can make
your pitch directly to them.
Yeah, but that's next week.
In the meantime, I have to
fight the base boxing champ.
Ooh, my aching solar plexus!
Well, I'm not gonna
go through with it.
I'm getting out of here!
And when I'm out, I'll
see that you get out, too.
Now, is there any more
poop from the poop deck?
Uh... And stop that Navy talk.
Remember you're an Army mule.
Never forget it!
It's past your bedtime, Slicker.
Yah, pal. Don't you know
you're in training?
What's the matter, Slicker?
Aren't you feeling well?
You were talkin' to somebody.
I was? Yeah.
Who? Who were you talkin' to?
Well, I was talking...
I was talking to the mascot.
Mascot? What mascot?
Well, you can't go into
a fight without a mascot.
Well, can you?
Well, I don't know.
Fellas, fellas!
He wants a mascot.
So let's have a mascot. Sure.
Come on, Uncle Wiggly.
- Oh, not the goat. The mule.
- The mule?
Yes, the mule!
Go ahead, sailor.
Tie it real tight.
Gee, you you've got four horseshoes
on already. Isn't that enough?
You're, gonna need all
the luck you call get tonight.
Take my advice now, Pete. When you get
in there, stay in real close to him, huh?
Well, what do you mean?
Tie up his arms?
Well, it wouldn't look right
to tie up his legs.
Thank goodness, I've been able to
take care of that department for you!
How? I put dance
wax in the rosin.
What's rosin? Oh, that's
so your shoes won't slip.
I figured Bull Bostwick's footwork
could use some real smoothin' out!
Whose side are you on?
Oh, Pete! Wax...
Slicker! Come on!
Get ready! It's time.
Yeah. Come on. Let's get this over
with and pick up our winnings.
I'm afraid all you're
gonna pick up is me.
Aw, you're in great shape.
You may have lost a
little weight, that's all.
Yeah, come on.
You, too, flannel ears.
Slicker, boy! This is it, Murph.
You better sit down.
Be careful, Slicker. This baby's
had four straight knockouts.
Remember that.
Yeah, remember that.
If I forget, I'm sure
he'll remind me.
Now, boys, you know the rules,
so give me a nice clean fight.
Shake hands and come out
fighting at the bell. Good luck.
Let's go, Slicker.
Come on, Slicker.
Come on, Slicker.
Three, four,
five, six,
seven, eight, nine...
What's the matter?
No wonder you were slipping.
Try to nail him
in the next round.
I'll try. He's going
by me awfully fast.
Gotta do something about that.
Don't let him hit you like that!
Awful short. You said it.
Why'd you hit the bell?
What's wrong?
I tell you I didn't
hit the bell.
Somebody hit the bell.
He's gonna need more help.
I think you better stay away from
him until you get your wind back.
Yeah, stay away from him.
Stay away from him.
You're doing great, Slicker!
Just great!
We'll get him, Slicker.
Next round, next round.
Wait till next round. Atta boy!
Gee, fellows.
Thanks a lot.
Where's my hammer?
Where's my hammer?
My hammer!
Oh, my mistake.
Stop running!
He took me literally!
Hey, you.
One, two,
three, four,
five, six, seven...
Get up!
Eight, nine, 10...
Stay away, hit him.
Come on, Slicker.
Snap out of it.
Yeah, but it's all my fault
you guys lost all your money.
What's money? When you take
a beating, we take a beating.
We're shipmates, aren't we?
Besides we can borrow from Tate.
He probably bet
on Bull Bostwick.
I'm afraid I wasn't that bright.
You mean you bet on Slicker?
Well, we're shipmates,
aren't we?
Yeah, I see what you mean.
And speed.
Now hold it, Francis, I'm a little rusty.
You're sending too fast.
Oh, I'll never get
the hang of this stuff.
Where's that Navy spirit?
A minute ago, you were all
chocked up about your buddies.
Shipmates to the end!
Well, they're a great bunch of guys.
Funny, after what happened,
they still think I'm great, too.
Well, wait till they find out you
can't tell a binnacle from a barnacle.
Well, that's just it.
Our outfit has
a reputation to live up to.
Our? Our outfit? I mean theirs.
They deserve to know the truth
before I louse them up again.
Well, they're stuck with you,
that is, until the Army gets here.
And Just so that you don't
foul up the Navy beyond repair,
let's hit that Bluejacket
Manual again, huh?
All right, sir. Now, what's
a nautical mile? Hmm?
A nautical mile is, uh, is 2,000 yards.
Or a minute of latitude measured
along a meridian of longitude.
Shh. Hey.
Hey, what're you doin' here?
We been lookin'
all over for you.
Yeah, all liberties
have been canceled.
Big deal cornin' up.
Lots of scuttlebutt,
but no one seems to know
what it's all about.
Well, it's a landing exercise up
the coast, joint Army and Navy.
We're in for a rough week.
How come you know all that?
Yeah, what gives?
Yeah, well, Francis told me.
Who's she? Francis?
Yeah, yeah...
Well, Francis... I've...
Oh, skip it. Skip it.
Yes, I...
Well, I tried to tell
you fellows before
that things just
aren't what they seem.
That I'm not who
I'm supposed to be,
but I will be next week,
and then you'll know.
But until then, I want you
to know that I'll try to
live up to
the standards of our...
I mean, your crew,
and I know how important
this is to you.
Well, even though
I'm an Army officer, I...
I want you to know that I
think the Navy's great, too.
And well, you've...
And that's all.
Did you hear what he said?
It doesn't make sense.
He's not in his right mind.
He's crazy.
Even in his right mind,
he's crazy.
We are about to start intensive
training for Operation Sandlot.
This supersedes
all previous orders.
For the next three days,
all hand will engage
in practice drills,
both morning and afternoon.
The boat crews will be
scored on the point system,
as designed by BuShips.
Navy, all Navy!
La cucaracha, la cucaracha.
Ya no puede caminar.
Porque no tiene
Porque la falta.
Hey! Hooray!
Betsy! Betsy,
I'm sorry I'm late. I...
Betsy? Who's Betsy?
Well, Betsy's Slicker's sister.
I asked her to meet me here
so you could, uh...
So you could look her over.
Oh, I can hardly wait.
Hey, Pete. What?
Flip the switch
on that Mixmaster.
Ah, feel pretty good.
Gotta get in shape for that big
"Operation Sandlot" tomorrow.
Don't tell me you
want to go along.
Now what's wrong with a nice
little ocean voyage, huh?
Well, I was thinking... Oh?
Maybe I'd delay presenting my case to
the Army brass until after the operation.
Now, ain't you just kinda
changing your tune?
Oh, yeah I guess you're right.
That's silly. Mmm-hmm.
I'd better get out of the
Navy while I can. Hmm.
Yeah, but when Betsy gets here, you've
gotta help me convince her who I am.
Shh. Hi.
Slicker Donevan. It's you!
Oh, my achin' back!
There can't be two of you.
Well, Mr. Donevan, perhaps
you can explain your actions?
Now, don't make a big
thing of it, I'm back.
You look just fine. Everything's
gonna be just dandy,
I am not fine, and everything
is not gonna be just dandy!
Now, simmer down,
Lieutenant. Take it easy.
I shall do nothing of the sort.
I have no intention of...
That's better.
Give him time. He'll calm down.
You know him?
Know him? Nursed him
through the Army for years!
Now, see here, sailor! Don't try
to minimize what you've done!
You've committed a crime
against the Navy and the Army!
And you're gonna be punished.
Eager beaver, huh?
He can't help it.
It's his character.
You bet it is!
You bet it is!
You're talking to Francis!
To a mule!
So I'm talkin' to a mule.
but aren't you amazed?
I mean, everybody knows
that mules don't talk!
Well, apparently this one does.
Yeah, well... Well,
I know this one does.
But why should you believe it?
You believe it, don't you?
Well, yes but I've been in and out
of psycho wards so many times, I...
Well, who hasn't?
Well, I know, but...
Well, that doesn't
change anything!
What you did was a
terrible, despicable...
I know.
And I'm willing to
take my medicine.
You bet you are. Ha! You are?
Well, certainly!
They can't run a Navy with men busting
regulations all over the place.
You're a fine one to say that!
And I'll say more!
Not only am I here
to apologize to you,
but I'm also giving you the
privilege of turning me in.
Thirty years in the brig
should make me mend my ways.
Thirty years?
Well, what you did
wasn't that bad.
Why, it was despicable!
I inconvenienced an officer
of the United States Army.
Bread and water's
too good for me.
Well, Lieutenant,
I'm your prisoner.
Shall we shove off?
Well, all right, but...
Well, all right!
See you when I get out, Francis.
Gee, you're a mighty
intelligent-lookin' mule.
Hold on there! Come back here!
Come here, Pete.
Well? I'm ashamed of you.
Ashamed of me?
Well, what did I...
He's the one!
Doin' this to a fine
young man, a war hero.
I'm sorry, but regulations
are regulations! Aw.
You're gonna see
that he gets the book?
You bet I am.
Why, he perpetrated a...
A harmless fling.
That's all it was.
If you want to be a good
guy, you could just scram now
and nobody'd be the wiser.
Go? After what he did?
Who did it hurt?
So you learned a
little about the Navy.
A little? I can do
anything he can do.
You can scram now, Lieutenant.
But what about him?
Oh, the bosun's mate?
We'll get
along just dandy.
Uh, come here, mate. Hmm.
Okay. That's okay with me.
That's okay with me.
Oh, uh, Lieutenant.
This is for your officer's
pack at the bus depot.
Slicker, I'm sorry I'm late...
Hi, sis.
Uh, there are two of you!
That's right. One of
me and one of him.
Now that's what I've been
tryin' to tell you!
You must be Betsy, huh?
Well... Who said that?
I did. Me.
But you're a mule. That's right.
I've got some news for you.
Hey, you're plenty cute.
Oh! Oh... Hold on, sis.
Uh, Betsy, say something.
She'll be all right.
We'll take care of her.
Get lost, Lieutenant.
Hey? What're you... Wait a minute!
What is it?
Let me out of here.
Take your hands off me!
Leave me alone!
Okay, Slicker. Hit the deck.
Keep your meter running!
I'm not staying long!
Oh, no! Come on.
Oh, no! Not again! Yep again.
He's all yours.
I don't get it, Murph.
I just saw him.
Lieutenant Anders assigned
him to secure the sea bags.
Slicker, how do
you do it so fast?
No... Git! Git!
You don't want to just stand out
here in your skivvies, do you?
No... Git! Git!
No... Git!
Now stay with it.
Try and remember. You've got a job to do.
And so do we.
We can't be watching you
all the time.
Let's go.
Hi! What's new?
Interesting development.
Hmm, fascinating.
I should have given myself up.
Then what's stopping you?
You mean you'd let me?
Hah! I'm urging you.
And where do you think
you're going?
I'm gonna spill
the beans to old Hutch.
That's the least I can do
to make up for the trouble
I've caused
a swell guy like you.
Say goodbye to good old Francis.
I'm sure some day he'll understand
why we're doing it this way.
Uh, Slicker!
You don't have to. I'll make
another try at breaking out.
Francis would never
forgive me if I didn't.
Oh, sure, he would!
He thinks you're tops.
Why, he said so when you left.
He did? Yeah!
That's why I want to
settle this thing right now.
Uh, wait a second.
Your sister would hate me!
Well, if you feel like you
just want to up and go,
you'd better get
some clothes on.
Try dark glasses this time.
Now get dressed.
Hurry up!
At ease, Donevan. What happened?
I broke
a mirror, sir.
Seven years. Well,
get that gear secured.
The trucks are waiting.
Yes, sir.
Lieutenant Anders, see that
Donevan gets that gear loaded.
Yes, sir.
Well, what do we do now?
We? It's your turn this time.
Yes, sir!
This is no time for primping!
Yes, sir!
Let's get a move on, Donevan.
Now get this gear outta here.
I'll send some men
in to help you.
Yes, sir.
Now's your chance.
Get outta here!
Hey! You're out
of uniform! Your shirt!
Those bags right there.
What are you doing over there?
Oh, well, I...
Good evening, sir.
Give a hand here. Yes, sir.
Oh. Here, let me help you.
Slicker, are you there?
Yeah, I'm here.
Hey! Slicker, wake up, will ya?
Wake up, we we've
got a job to do. I...
Oh, my goodness!
Betsy. What am I doin' here?
What happened?
Shh! Slicker, you've had a bad
fall, but everything's all right.
Then why am I wrapped up
like a mummy?
I registered you as Lieutenant
Peter Stirling, automobile casualty,
until after the operation.
Oh. What operation?
Operation Sandlot.
Holy cats! Where's my uniform?
Get me out of this wrapper!
Slicker, it's too late.
Peter's already
taken your place!
But why?
If he does anything to foul up that
operation, we'll both be court-martialed!
Why did he do it?
Because you would have been
court-martialed if he didn't!
Now the least you
can do is cooperate.
Until he gets back, you're
Lieutenant Peter Stirling!
He hasn't got a chance.
He'll be murdered!
Assault boats in
successive waves will land troops
to establish a defense perimeter
for the supply waves to follow.
Before the supply waves,
a Duck will be
dispatched to the beach,
manned by Donevan and the crew.
On the Duck will be radio
equipment to be used
by the Beach master to
coordinate the whole operation
for landing supplies,
I cannot overstress the importance
of this assignment, Donevan.
Getting your boat to the
right spot on the beach
before the supply waves come in
is the key to
the whole operation.
Are you sure we're
on course, Slicker?
Course and speed unchanged.
If the tide is running through, we
should hit the beach in exactly...
Nineteen minutes.
Hey! I think I hear surf.
Yeah! I feel a ground swell!
The beach must be dead ahead.
On the button.
Great work, Slicker!
You did it again!
See anybody?
I don't even hear anybody.
It is rather quiet.
It's a peculiar quiet.
The troops must be here.
Unless they hit the wrong beach.
Yeah. Or unless we...
Oh, no. We couldn't have.
You sure?
Why, it's impossible. I checked
the compass every foot of the way.
Could the compass
have gone haywire?
Not unless there was some foreign
piece of metal In the boat.
But I checked it thoroughly.
What's that?
What's the matter?
It's a horseshoe.
A horseshoe? A horseshoe?
Yeah. For luck.
Any sign of the troops that way?
None. How about you?
I wonder where we are.
I saw them! I saw them!
Hey, I saw them from up there!
They're 10 miles down the
beach around that bluff!
No wonder we
couldn't see the task force.
The last wave of troops
are just starting their run!
We can still make it before
the supplies come in!
Well, what are we waiting for?
Hold it.
Look. At six knots,
it'll take us two hours to get
around that big hunk of rock.
Wait a minute!
This baby travels 45 miles
an hour, on land.
Then what are we waiting for?
Let's hit the road!
Oh, no!
It we don't get there in half an hour,
we'd better not get there at all.
How does it look, Jonesy?
I can't see.
I'd better go forward
and take a sighting.
We're fouled up!
Side road...
Off starboard!
Get ahead of that car!
Hey, we're losin' Jonesy!
Pull over!
I can't!
Don't worry about me.
Keep goin'.
Navy. All Navy.
What's that?
Why, it looks like a mule, sir.
I know It's a mule! But what's
it doing in an assault wave?
Well, I don't know, sir.
But the Navy's always coming
up with something new.
Well, even the Navy wouldn't
develop an amphibious mule!
Signal the control ship!
Request information!
Yes, sir.
A mule?
Your Duck is nowhere
in sight, Commander.
It's got to be. It was
sent in with time to spare.
What's this?
A mule landed with
the assault troops?
Do you know anything
about this, Commander?
It... It had
a priority number, sir.
A mule? In an
amphibious operation?
We'll certainly want a report
on this, Commander, will we not?
Yes, sir.
And, as for your missing Duck...
It must be there.
Indeed it must, before the first
supply wave hits the beach.
My top coxswain's
in that boat, sir.
He doesn't know
the meaning of failure.
Hurry up, Slicker.
We're losin' time.
I can see the ocean here, but
I can't find where we are.
Maybe we better use a sextant.
Maybe we ought to ask somebody.
Hi, there, sailor!
Uh, you're not allowed
up here, sonny.
I wanna join the Navy!
You're too young for the Navy.
I'll be six next Wednesday.
Yeah, well, then,
come back Wednesday.
I'm havin' a party!
Then come back Thursday!
I can't! I'm havin'
a piano lesson.
Look, why don't you
get lost like we are?
Oh, uh, excuse me, sir!
Maybe you can help us!
Maybe. Where's the ocean?
Which ocean? The Pacific.
Which part?
Well, any part.
The outer edge will do.
Which part? What's the matter with you?
You stupid?
Well, I ain't lost!
Hey, you. You'll have to get
this vehicle off the street.
Yeah, we're
trying to, sir.
What is this,
a recruiting stunt?
Oh, no, sir. It's no stunt.
We're looking for the ocean.
Oh, a wise guy, huh?
Well, I don't like wise guys.
Now get moving. Yes, sir.
Hey, hold on there! Just what
do you think you're doin'?
Shove off! I'll take
care of everything!
Come on, get down
from there, will ya?
Hey, come back here!
Tally-ho! Yoo-hoo!
Hey, sailor!
Francis! Who else?
Gee, am I ever glad to see you?
Wanna sell a Duck?
What happened to your crew?
Huh? Oh, they're overboard.
And the motor conked out.
Ever thought of calling the
automobile club? I'm not a member.
That's not very funny.
Has it occurred to you that
you might be out of gas?
Oh, gosh, that's it.
I'm so stupid
I could kill myself!
Stop wastin' time.
Get a hold of some rope. Yeah.
Rope? We gotta get
this to a gas station,
or would you rather wait
until civilization reaches us?
You mean pull it? Why not?
We're a team, right? Right.
A mule and a jackass, right?
Takes one to know one.
Any sign of your
Duck, Commander?
This is Just the first
supply wave, sir.
We haven't reached
the beach yet.
The duck will be there
ahead of us, I hope.
Pete, take this junk off me, will you?
Hey, fill her up.
Hey, I just happened to think.
I don't have any money.
No loot? Oh, my aching back.
Yeah, but what are we gonna do?
Well, don't look at me. I left
my wallet in my other suit.
Oh, gee! I... Well...
Hey! Hold it, mister!
Uh, hold it!
Say, what is this? War surplus?
Not yet, but it will be and so will
I, if I don't get to the beach fast.
Look, could you trust me
for five gallons? No trust.
Cash on the line. Yeah,
but this is very important.
Absolutely no! Yeah, but if you...
I have a...
Look you're blocking my pumps.
Now get this
contraption outta here
and take that stupid-lookin'
animal with you!
You shouldn't have said that.
Oh, no? Well, I'll say it again.
That lop-eared overgrown
muskrat hauled you in here,
- and he can haul you out of here.
- Mmm-hmm.
All right, sir, but you're
not being very patriotic.
Get a bucket!
Kid, we struck oil.
Get another bucket!
What'll I do with it?
Empty it.
Empty it? Where? Where?
Empty it in
the gas tank, stupid.
Uh, in the gas tank? Oh. Hurry.
Get another bucket!
Hurry up, get another bucket!
Got a match?
The beach! We've made it.
Watch it, boy! Boy, Pete!
Throw out the anchor!
I'm too young to die! Hey!
I'll get us out of this.
Pete, nail this booby-trap down.
Yeah. Okay.
On the double, boy!
Just a minute, Francis.
Somebody call me a cab!
Just be calm, Francis.
Just be calm.
Now he tells me.
Hey, wait!
Here we go! Geronimo!
Francis, hold it!
Hold it, Francis!
Geronimo! Wait! Wait!
Spread out, kids!
Oh, look out there! Look out!
Stop it! Stop it!
Stop this thing, will you?
Stop it! Stop it!
Heck no! I like it!
Now I've seen everything.
Well, they'll probably
check my driver's license.
I'm not gonna ask how it
happened nor why, Commander.
I couldn't explain it
if you did, sir.
Obviously, it's bigger
than both of us.
Yes, sir.
Francis, are you all right?
I don't know how
it happened, Donevan,
nor why, but well done!
Thank you, sir.
You got a great
outfit there, son.
Stay with it.
Don't worry, Francis.
I'm a sea-going traveler from now on.
Well, so long, mate.
So long, mate.
Oh, uh, take care of Peter, huh.
Looks like your sister's, taking
charge of him right now, yeah.
Well, let's go, Betsy.
I wonder if we'll
ever see him again.
Francis! Yeah?
Francis! Yeah?
Well, just don't stand there.
Throw me a line.
I would if I could think of one.