Franco Escamilla: Ladies' Man (2024) Movie Script

[upbeat music playing]
[toilet flushes]
[deep voice] Franco!
[audience cheering and applauding]
[energetic music playing]
[cheering grows louder]
How's it going, fam?
[cheering dies down]
You won't believe this.
But I was not always
the sex machine you see now.
[audience laughs]
It bugs me that you don't believe it.
[audience laughs]
I was asked about the show's title.
In Spanish, it'd be mujeriego.
Because, brothers and sisters,
I am a ladies' man.
[audience chuckles]
Not a practicing one.
[audience laughs]
But I got my degree.
[audience laughs]
I don't practice, first of all,
because I'm past my prime.
Second of all,
my wife won't let me. [sniffles]
But, really, women, don't you wish...
Mm! Damn, don't you wish
you had me for one weekend?
[audience laughs]
The guys would love to have me
as a brother-in-law.
I bought a car for my sister-in-law.
[audience chuckles]
[audience laughs]
It used to be mine.
[audience laughs]
Imported from the US.
It barely had an engine, honestly.
Poor girl.
"It broke down again."
"I never had an issue with it." [laughs]
You wouldn't believe it, but all my life
I tried to be a ladies' man.
The most stupid
or the least effective way,
any way you can think of
to approach a woman,
I've already tried it.
I know what doesn't work...
[audience chuckles]
...which makes me almost an expert.
A long time ago, I was talking to Gaby...
If you've seen my show Gaby,
you know that show was inspired
by a conversation I had with her.
I'm grateful to her.
That's why I made that show.
If you haven't seen it,
go to a venue where I'm performing.
[audience laughs]
I've always been grateful to her.
I'll tell you why.
But I did try everything.
First, I thought that,
in order to seduce women,
it would be a good idea to master magic.
In my defense,
when I was a kid,
David Copperfield was all the rage,
and he was banging Claudia Schiffer,
an amazingly hot German model,
so I said, "I need to become a magician."
And I started practicing magic tricks.
And, modesty aside,
I'm pretty decent at magic,
and I'd like to start this show
by performing a little magic trick.
Is that okay with you guys?
- [crowd] Yes!
- Yeah? Perfect.
- I'm going to need a volunteer.
- [crowd clamoring]
- Just one.
- [man] The birthday boy!
Preferably a man
because we're going to kiss at the end.
[audience laughs]
Now more dudes raised their hands.
We can see now
that all they need is some money.
[audience laughs]
Now, mister...
They're bringing him now. Perfect.
It's a simple trick, and I'm going
to ask a volunteer to help me
so that you can see it's real.
Otherwise, you'll be saying,
"This dude set it all up."
The assistants will bring him up.
Let's hear it for them.
[audience cheers and applauds]
- [Franco] Your name, bro?
- Jos.
[Franco] Jos. Thank you, ladies.
- Are you local, from Monterrey?
- No, from Culiacn, Sinaloa.
- [Franco] That's fucking scary.
- [audience cheers and applauds]
Is everyone who's clapping from Sinaloa?
- [woman] No!
- Ah.
You scared me, fuckers.
Not to be a dick,
but I'll stand here for a bit.
- How old are you?
- Thirty-two.
- You look younger.
- Thanks.
- I'd say 31 and 11 months, max.
- [Jos chuckles]
Jos, we don't know each other, right?
Well, you know me.
- That's right.
- But I don't know you.
- You're going to help me with this trick?
- Sure.
- You believe in magic?
- Of course.
You're 32. Are you kidding?
[audience laughs]
I still haven't learned
how to fan the cards.
Choose any card you want, Jos.
[Jos] Right.
That one? Are you sure?
[audience laughs]
Are you sure?
- [Jos] This one.
- That's the first one you chose.
Now, Jos,
I'm going to turn my back to you...
Okay, no. [laughs]
I mean... [laughs]
[audience laughs]
I'm going to close my eyes.
[audience chuckles]
Jos, show the audience
the card you picked.
I can't see shit,
but I already know which card it is, Jos.
I'm turning back now.
- Ready, Jos?
- Yes.
I will show you and everyone...
Don't show me. I don't wanna see it.
I know which card it is.
It's a magic trick, dude.
[audience chuckles]
This is real magic.
[exciting, energetic music playing]
Jos, I want you to think of the card.
Think of the card.
Wait, not yet. Go back. Not yet. Not yet.
Go back. Later. Later. Later.
[exciting, energetic music continues]
I want you to think about the card.
- Think about the card.
- [Jos] Sure.
- Think.
- [Jos] I'm...
- Are you seeing it?
- Yeah!
[music cuts out]
Your card is
the eight of clubs.
- [audience chuckles]
- [music resumes]
[Franco] Show us your card, Jos!
Son of a bitch, Jos!
[audience laughs]
King of hearts.
[audience chuckles]
[audience laughs]
[Franco] Okay.
Good thing we're filming this.
Jos obviously fucked up.
[audience laughs]
I asked three times, "Are you sure?"
[audience laughs]
I placed my fucking thumb...
"Any card you want." And I went like this...
[audience laughs]
Oh well. Let's give it up for Jos.
Thank you.
[audience applauds]
[Franco] Okay. Thank you. [chuckles]
No, it's okay.
This is why I'm a comedian.
[audience laughs]
That's the difference.
If I fuck up, I can joke about it.
If a magician fucks up, he sucks.
[audience laughs]
If Jos hadn't fucked up the trick...
[audience laughs]
...there would have been
a seven-and-a-half-minute monologue
about my skills as a magician,
but Jos decided...
[audience chuckles] screw up my evening.
You know how much it costs
to book this venue, Jos?
[audience laughs]
The cost of the cameras,
assistants, and equipment...
And you pick the wrong card, dude.
[audience laughs]
It's okay.
It's another failed attempt,
and honestly, I'm used to it.
Listen. A long time ago,
when we started doing Cabareteando,
Gaby and I were watching
one of the videos, and she said,
"Have you noticed
how you have no problem speaking to men
but stutter and stumble with women?"
I said, "First of all,
that's a crappy thing to pick up on."
[audience laughs]
"Second of all, that's not true."
So I start rewatching my videos,
and it's true, my friends.
When I talk to women,
the stutter comes back.
It's not repeating syllables.
It's getting tongue-tied.
- I thought it was a sign of obedience.
- [laughs]
Because... [chuckles]
Because Gaby hits me.
[audience laughs]
[audience laughs]
But later... [chuckles]
...I realized it goes way back.
I discussed it in therapy and with Gaby.
I think I found the root of it.
Here's the story.
I was starting middle school, and...
I've said this before.
In secondary education,
I didn't do well socially.
Same thing in high school.
Same thing nowadays.
But now I don't give a shit.
I was in middle school, in the park.
Because in Cuautla, land of heroes,
beautiful children, blessed be thy soil,
there wasn't much to do in the '90s,
so I went to the park,
to check out some butts.
- [audience laughs]
- And... [chuckles]
And I ran into two of my classmates,
Mario and Bolillo.
[audience laughs]
He was Bolillo not because he's white,
but because he looked like bolillo bread.
He had a tiny head and a huge body,
and, like, flour on his elbows.
- And... [chuckles]
- [audience laughs]
They asked, "What are you doing later?"
I said, "Nothing."
"Come with us.
There's a party. There will be girls."
And any man, wherever you invite him,
if the place is called
"there will be girls," he's down.
That's how they convinced Frodo
to carry the ring.
[audience laughs]
"Let's go. There will be chicks. Come on."
That's how I joined the church.
I swear. They said,
"Don't you want to join?"
I said, "I'm an atheist."
"But there will be chicks."
- I went, "Okay, then." Mm.
- [audience laughs]
On Sundays, I was like...
We gather today at your altar
And that's where I met my wife,
so there was at least one chick.
[audience laughs]
I got married. [chuckles]
They said, "Let's go to a party.
There will be girls."
And on the way there I was thinking,
"Why did they invite me?"
I was never a boy whose friends would say,
"We need Franco
because there will be girls."
On the way there I was like,
"It must be a trap. This sucks."
"But there will be girls."
This was my first party with women.
Before then, it'd always been with boys.
Boys would come together to play or swim.
There was food, and that was it.
But this was with women,
so I thought, "Why are they taking me?"
When we got there, it all made sense.
It was not a party per se.
More like a small gathering.
There were just six people.
Mario, Bolillo, and me.
And three women.
Mario's girlfriend,
Bolillo's chick...
[audience laughs]
...and a girl who was real ugly.
[audience laughs]
...real ugly.
With a capital U, dude.
[audience laughs]
She was as ugly as smacking God
during Easter.
[audience laughs]
As soon as I came in, I thought, "Oh!"
"That's who I got."
- [audience laughs]
- [Franco chuckles]
Many men would've said, "No way."
And they would've left. Not me.
One, it was my first party with women.
Two, there was a spare,
so she had to be with me.
And three, I also know myself. I mean...
I know what I looked like then and now.
It's not like I can be too picky.
Even though I did think,
"I got the ugly one,"
I'm sure when they saw us come in,
she thought, "Fuck, I got the fat one."
- [audience laughs]
- [Franco chuckles]
It was a level playing field.
[audience laughs]
So we were sitting in the living room
of Mario's girlfriend's parents' place,
and I soon realized
that I lacked the basic social skills
that other kids my age had.
I still struggle a lot to socialize.
My circle of friends is very small,
and I find it hard to expand it.
I try. I make an effort.
One of the issues is
I can't keep my mouth shut.
That's one reason
many people stop talking to me.
Number two is...
Gaby jokingly says I am socially disabled.
[audience laughs]
Why? Because I can't recognize faces.
I need to see someone many times
before I remember them.
Your face, I'll never forget,
you trick ruiner.
But... [laughs]
[audience laughs]
But other than that,
I find it hard to remember faces.
And it's also challenging
to figure out what someone is feeling.
I can't read emotions, you see?
For example, I can tell happy from angry.
With men.
[audience chuckles]
With women,
it's much harder for me, folks.
I've noticed...
Sometimes a bunch of couples get together,
and you, for no particular reason,
crack a joke
that kind of has to do with your wife,
and everyone laughs.
And she laughs.
And I'm like, "That's cool."
"She took it well."
[audience laughs]
And you keep hammering that joke,
and everyone laughs.
You say, "I'm comedy personified."
[audience laughs]
And when you're seeing everyone off,
"Bye. Drive safe."
She says, "Thanks for coming."
[laughs nonchalantly]
The car pulls away, and she goes,
"Son of a bitch." You're like, "Shit!"
[audience laughs]
"You're upset?" [gasps]
[audience laughs]
I can differentiate
between happy and angry,
but sad, concerned, and sick,
as in expressing physical discomfort,
all seem similar to me.
I never know which one it is.
And I can't start conversations
or keep them going.
I realized my friends Mario and Bolillo
were light-years ahead of me
when the six of us were sitting there,
and Mario said to his girlfriend,
"Okay, then."
"Let's see your place."
I got up from the couch...
This really happened.
And Bolillo asked, "Where are you going?"
[audience chuckles]
"I wanna see her place too." Mm.
[audience laughs]
And he goes, "No."
[audience chuckles]
I was like, "It's just a fucking house."
[audience laughs]
And the first thing Mario's girlfriend
wanted to show him was a bedroom.
They went into a room
near the living room,
closed the door, locked it, click.
And I was like... [gasps]
[audience laughs]
"They're gonna fuck!"
[audience laughs]
I was shocked.
I never would've come up with
"Let's see your place"
as code for "Let's get it on."
If a girl said, "Let's see your place,"
I'd be like, "This is the dining room..."
[audience laughs]
"Not much to see. It's a shitty place.
It's just a one-story house."
Bolillo, his chick,
the ugly girl, and I stayed in the room.
Bolillo and his chick
carried the conversation.
And I was trying to learn
as much as possible.
All of a sudden, Bolillo made this gesture
that, men will confirm if I'm right,
is universal.
I've asked in many countries,
and it's always the same.
The guy rubbed his gut
and said, "I'm going to the bathroom."
[audience laughs]
- A man thinks, "He will take a shit."
- [laughter]
No man makes that gesture
to then go and touch up his makeup.
He's taking a shit. He rubbed his gut,
and said, "Bathroom." And off he went.
One minute later,
his chick left the couch,
and walked to the bathroom.
I almost said, "Let him take his dump!"
[audience laughs]
"You can't be that toxic!"
I kept my mouth shut out of curiosity.
The girl knocked on the bathroom door.
The door opened.
Bolillo's face appeared...
I said, "Either he was not shitting,
or this fucker has the longest torso
in the universe."
[audience laughs]
"Fucking brontosaurus."
[audience chuckles]
The girl goes in,
they lock the door, click, and I'm like,
"Fucking in the bathroom?"
[audience laughs]
I thought, "Yuck.
It smells like poo in there."
[audience laughs]
My logic was, "There's not even a bed."
Seconds went by,
and I was left alone with the ugly girl.
I said, "It's my time to shine."
[audience chuckles]
I told my brain, "Dude, throw me a bone."
[audience chuckles]
"I know we don't like each other,
but the endorphins will be good for you."
[audience chuckles]
My brain said, "Get her talking."
"Yeah. But how?"
"I don't know."
"You're the one with ideas, asshole.
It's your job."
"I have thousands of jobs."
"What do I tell her?"
He said, "I don't know. Whatever."
I got desperate and said,
"How did your math exam go?"
[audience laughs]
In my defense, it was a great question
because we were in different classrooms,
different buildings,
and I'd already taken
that semester's math exam.
And, modesty aside, in middle school,
I crushed it in math.
I said, "If she has problems with math,
I can help her."
"I'll become her hero,
and she'll say, 'Make me yours.'"
[audience laughs]
That was the plan.
I tried to impress her with my knowledge.
I said, "How did your exam go?"
She said, "I don't know."
"Math is such a drag."
And I said, "Oh."
[audience chuckles]
"What's your favorite subject?"
She said, "I don't like any of them.
School is such a drag."
And that was the end of our chat, folks.
[audience laughs]
We had left my area of expertise.
I turned around,
and my brain was like... [sputters]
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughs]
Getting desperate, I said,
"Do you like..."
"What shows are you watching nowadays?
What are you into?"
She said, "I never watch TV."
"TV is such a drag."
[audience chuckles]
Trying to be funny,
I said, "You're such a drag."
[audience laughs]
It's cool that you guys laugh.
[audience laughs]
Because that day sucked for me.
That was the first time
a woman did the rainbow on me.
That's when you say something to a woman,
and she feels so disgusted
and bored about your damn life
that she looks at you
up and down in disbelief
and then turns around.
That's the rainbow.
And I said, "Well, I tried."
I'm still going to say tomorrow
that we did fuck.
[audience laughs]
Who's going to say we didn't?
That's something
no one can fuck up for me.
[audience laughs]
Damn trick ruiner, I used my thumb.
"This one... Any card you want."
I even pulled it out a bit.
Okay, I'll stop, trick ruiner.
[audience laughs]
This might sound like the Dark Ages
to young people, and maybe it was,
but back then
there was no Internet or smartphones.
Nothing to entertain ourselves with.
We were both staring at a wall.
Each of us had our own side.
A hole in the couch kept me entertained.
[audience laughs]
It was a cigarette burn mark,
and I kept fiddling with it.
Until I made it larger.
I had a decent time.
[audience chuckles]
And then I felt some weight near me.
I turned around and saw her next to me.
She grabbed my face and gave me a kiss.
- [audience exclaims]
- Yep.
Now, it wasn't my first kiss, come on.
[audience laughs]
My life is not that sad.
When I was ten, I remember this uncle...
- No, no, no, no!
- [audience laughs]
[chuckles] Let me finish.
An uncle had a piata party for my cousin.
We spun the bottle with her friends,
and one of them kissed me, okay?
Yeah, come on.
The thing with my uncle was at 14.
[audience laughs]
It wasn't my first kiss,
but it was the first time
that a woman kissed me more than once.
We were kissing for 18 and a half minutes.
[audience chuckles]
And it was a weird 18 and a half minutes.
[audience laughs]
I had a good time,
but I also felt very pressured
because I didn't know where to put
my hands to avoid messing things up.
In fact, there was a moment
when I put my hands behind my head.
[audience laughs]
Yes, I'm a lost cause.
I hope to God this girl
never opened her eyes.
Imagine how scary it is
when you're kissing someone, and they go...
[audience laughs]
And I was also feeling pressured
because I didn't know how to transition
from kissing to sex, okay?
I knew they were linked
because when I watched romantic movies
or telenovelas,
couples would start to kiss,
and the camera would show them,
and then it would pan behind a curtain
or a candle, I don't know.
And then the camera returns
to the couple lying under a sheet,
smoking a cigarette.
After a kiss, sex follows,
but no one taught me how to go
from point A to point B.
It was a distressing 18 and a half minutes
until we heard the bathroom door open.
Mario and his girl returned,
but she had moved away.
I was like, "She's probably embarrassed.
She doesn't want to be seen as a whore."
[audience chuckles]
Mario said, "Let's go.
Her parents are on their way."
"Okay." And we left.
We were chatting.
Picture that, three teenagers.
It's funny to think about it now
because men, no matter what age,
are big liars.
We exaggerate.
Especially when it comes
to alcohol and women.
Two dudes get together
to drink a six-pack.
The next day, you ask how it went,
and they say, "It was a crazy-ass bender."
[audience laughs]
"We polished off a case each."
"Then we went to a bar.
There were hookers, dwarfs, and fights."
[audience laughs]
They come up with this adventure tale,
and you go, "No way!"
Nothing really happened,
and yet they still brag.
Now picture three teenagers.
We were walking,
and Mario asked Bolillo, "How did it go?"
And Bolillo said, "Great."
[audience chuckles]
[audience chuckles]
"And I didn't pull out."
I almost said, "I can attest to him
never leaving the bathroom."
[audience laughs]
- "He was in there the whole time."
- [audience laughs]
And Mario asked,
"Three for you or for her?"
He said, "No. For me."
"For her, it was about nine."
- [audience laughs]
- [grunts]
Bolillo asked Mario, "How about you?"
Mario said,
"No, I got injured during training."
"Only two for me."
"But around five for her."
I had no fucking idea
what they were talking about.
[audience laughs]
My knowledge about sex was
what it is and where it goes.
But no one taught me about the numbers.
[audience laughs]
I knew they were going to ask me now.
They asked, "How about you?"
I said, "Great."
[audience chuckles]
[audience laughs]
They asked, "For you or for her?"
I answered, "Yes."
[audience laughs]
"Two sexual intercourses."
[audience laughs]
"There were raccoons and the whole thing."
[audience laughs]
Obviously, they didn't believe me.
I don't care.
Many will be thinking,
"Poor Franco. He's the only one
who didn't score."
Eh. Firstly, we don't know
if they did anything at all.
It could have been lies.
Secondly, I honestly had a great time.
Went to a party with women.
One of them spent 18.5 minutes kissing me.
For me, that was a total victory, okay?
I got home really excited to tell my dad
that I had a girlfriend.
- [scattered laughter]
- Uh...
Ladies who are laughing,
go fuck yourselves.
[audience laughs]
That's why you're single.
Simple as that.
- Because you give away kisses for free.
- [laughing]
I did think we were dating
because we had kissed.
If you've seen Payaso,
you know my dad used to think I was gay.
And this was my way to disprove that.
I got home and said,
"Dad, I got a girlfriend."
He obviously didn't buy it.
He went, "Sure." [scoffs]
I was like, "It's true."
"What's her name?" "So-and-so."
"Is she in your class?"
"Different building." He said, "Sure."
The old trick, right?
"No, she lives in Canada."
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughs]
I told him,
"I swear. I was just with her."
"We spent 18 and a half minutes kissing.
My lips are numb, man!"
[audience laughs]
My dad began to believe me,
or maybe he wanted to.
He said, "I see. What's her name again?"
"Okay." He asked, "Is she pretty?"
I said, "No."
[audience laughs]
"Not at all, man."
"Not even if you run past her."
[audience laughs]
In case someone isn't sure,
both men and women do it, all right?
But I know it better in men.
Men have some codes
that are quite easy to read, but...
For example, I've often heard the term
"she has a good 'afar.'"
[audience laughs]
It means that when you see
certain women from afar, you go,
[excitedly] "No way!"
And up close you're like,
[disappointed] "No way!" [chuckles]
It's the same thing, but different.
[audience chuckles]
And there are girls you pass by,
you think she's cute, you stop,
you take a good look,
you say, "No," and you move on.
The girl I kissed was so ugly
that even mid-run you'd say, "She's ugly."
[audience laughs]
And you move on, right?
So when I told my dad,
"No, for real, she's ugly,"
he very kindly said,
"You have to start somewhere."
[audience laughs]
Like, your first job, right?
[audience laughs]
The Monday after that,
he gave me five extra pesos
so I could take my "girlfriend"
to lunch during break.
And just before the bell for break rang,
I ran to the other building
and went to her classroom.
She was by the window,
and when she saw me,
she reacted like you would
to a windshield cleaner. "No, no."
[audience laughs]
"Fuck off."
[audience chuckles]
She didn't even gesture,
like, "Next time."
[audience laughs]
I thought, "Maybe it's the teacher,"
so I stepped back.
The bell rang, and she came out
with Bolillo's and Mario's girls.
I approached her and asked,
"Hey, wanna go for lunch?"
It was like I asked her,
"Would you like some poo?" Yeah.
[audience laughs]
That was her reaction.
She was like, "No!
I'm having lunch with my friends."
I said, "Great, we're mature.
No need to always be together."
[audience laughs]
I asked, "What about after school?
Where are we meeting?"
And her friends started laughing.
Confused, she asks, "What for?"
So I said, "To walk you home."
The laughs got louder,
and she got even more confused.
"Why would you walk me home?"
Feeling absolutely confused, I told her,
"Well, because you're my girlfriend."
[audience laughs]
Go fuck yourselves.
- And... [chuckles]
- [audience laughs]
Her friends laughed
like you just did, assholes.
[audience laughs]
They burst into laughter.
She angrily pulled me aside and said,
"I'm not your girlfriend. Don't say that."
[audience laughs]
I was like, "Fuck.
I even got told off for this."
At dinnertime, my dad asked me,
"How did things go with your girl?"
I said, "I think we broke up."
He said, "Why?"
- I said, "I have no idea."
- [audience laughs]
"And I think we weren't even dating."
[audience chuckles]
And my dad gave me
the only piece of advice
he ever gave me about women.
He told me very seriously,
"Damn women."
[audience laughs]
That's the ancestral wisdom he offered me.
I was devastated, folks.
A couple of weeks went by.
I don't know how many of you
went to public school,
but when we were kids,
they had these hygiene campaigns.
There was one involving dentistry students
who taught you brushing techniques,
and they would give you fluoride,
or fluorine, I'm not sure,
to prevent the formation of cavities.
And in the warmer months,
there was another campaign
where they'd inspect everyone's head
for lice or nits.
If you're unfamiliar with that,
your school was nicer than mine.
For me, it was quite normal.
You'd see them. "Oh, the lice guys."
- [audience laughs]
- Yeah.
It was cool
because you'd skip an hour of class.
If they found lice on someone,
you could rag on them.
- It was socially acceptable.
- [audience laughs]
And when they were inspecting you,
it was pure adrenaline, dude.
They'd seat you up front.
It was like the Sorting Hat.
And you were like, "Not me! Not me!"
They didn't find any lice or nits
in my classroom, so we were heartbroken.
But during recess, the rumor spread
that in the other building
they had found lice.
And I've always been quite the gossip.
There was no Twitter then,
so I had to go there and ask what was up.
I went classroom to classroom.
"Did they find any lice here?"
- [chuckling] Like... Ooh.
- [audience laughs]
I asked a kid who was outside a classroom,
"Bro, did they find any lice here?"
He said, "Yes!"
- [audience laughs]
- Very excitedly.
I asked, "Who?" He didn't care
that she was right there. "Her."
[audience laughs]
And it was the girl I had kissed.
[audience laughs]
They found lice on her, man.
And to be honest,
I kind of celebrated a little bit.
Yeah, I enjoyed it.
It's wrong,
but it was like, "See, dumbass?"
"This happens when you reject
God's favorite."
[audience laughs]
But then I felt a bit sorry for her
because she started getting bullied.
And from that day on,
throughout her time in middle school,
everyone in my year knew her as "Lousy."
And I felt bad because I also once
had lice in elementary school.
And it's not about hygiene.
You can get them on public transportation.
Sometimes they're on toys.
Sometimes it's a family member.
- I know that...
- [audience laughs]
What? [chuckles]
And... [chuckles]
All of a sudden, you feel it.
If you scratch your head,
you've been there, dickheads.
It's not that uncommon.
It's not about being clean.
I felt bad for her because her "friends"
stopped talking to her
and hanging out.
I said, "It's not fair
because it's not her fault."
I could relate. I knew what it was like
to be a victim of bullying.
I said, "I would hang out with her."
For another 18 and a half minutes.
[audience laughs]
I waited two weeks.
Call me picky, but I didn't want lice.
I was already doing bad without the lice.
I waited around two weeks.
Went to her classroom during break.
She was doing homework.
Many of us did that.
Not because we were dedicated,
but there was no one to play with.
Or maybe someone had threatened you,
so you were hiding.
I said, "I heard about what happened.
I'm not here to make fun of you."
"Quite the contrary. If it's up to me,
we can pick up where we left off."
[audience laughs]
And she said very politely, "No."
[audience laughs]
"It was just a kiss."
I said, "It was a few.
18.5 minutes of kissing."
She said, "Yeah, but it happened
because we were the only ones there."
"I would have kissed any boy there,
and you would have kissed any girl."
And I was like, "True."
[audience laughs]
"I never miss a chance."
And she said,
"This is the last thing I need now."
"You and I aren't a thing,
and we never will be. Okay?"
And listen, no hard feelings. I swear.
Because her rejection was very polite.
That's why I keep her name private.
My people know it.
But I never share her name.
But you have no idea
how it trashes your self-esteem
to be rejected by Lousy, man.
[audience laughs]
I mean, you're like, "Am I that awful?"
And I decided not to talk to
or get near women anymore.
And that was seventh grade for me.
During the summer before eight grade,
my parents signed me up
for guitar lessons.
I'll admit, they made me do it.
But from the very first time
that I pressed the G chord
and played it,
I felt like I was given
a piece that was missing.
I got guitar fever.
I would practice
for two, three hours a day. Every day.
I was glued to my guitar.
Modesty aside, I got good for my age
and compared to other people in my circle.
When I started school,
a teacher saw me and said,
"Would you be interested in joining
the estudiantina?"
If you don't know, that's a group
of teenagers dressed like idiots...
[audience laughs]
...and they have to sing at festivals.
I don't know about here in Monterrey,
but in Cuautla,
being in the estudiantina
was seen as being a real loser, dude.
Yeah. You'll say,
"Why do that if you were being bullied?"
Here it is.
Yes, we were a bunch of losers,
but in this group of losers,
I was the alpha, my friends.
Because my peers could not keep up
with my guitar skills.
I'm sure that's still the case.
Because only I could play barre chords,
which is when you lay your finger
on all strings and strum them.
That's hard when you're a beginner.
Only I could do it.
The other would ask, "How do you do it?"
I was like, "I have man fingers, dude."
"You need to train them."
And I started to feel
like I was part of a group
because in the estudiantina,
I was not afraid to talk to anyone.
We all spoke the same language.
The language of music.
"What key is this song in?
What chords does it use?"
"Where's the pause? How can I play it?"
All we talked about was music.
I found my tribe, my group.
I even said, "Maybe I'm not an idiot."
"I'm a musician." Right?
- [audience laughs]
- [chuckles]
And then you realize, "Eh."
"They are kind of close." [chuckles]
I got along with everyone
except Carlos Alberto.
Fuck that dude. I still hate him.
[audience laughs]
One day our teacher told me, "Franco,
take these sheets to Carlos Alberto."
I was like, "No." He said, "Go."
I went, "Damn it."
So I went to his classroom,
and he was outside talking to a girl.
Let's say her name was Karina, okay?
Not her real name. But I know
you fuckers would do your research.
[audience chuckles]
He was talking to her,
and I was staring at her.
She was so pretty. Very slim.
She was basically a broom in a uniform.
But really pretty.
I think the staring
made them uncomfortable
because Carlos turned to me
and said, "What?"
I said, "The teacher sent this."
He went, "Oh, thanks."
And I stood there, staring.
[audience laughs]
And Carlos went,
"Franco, Karina. Karina, Franco."
And I said hi like women said hi to me.
- When women say hi to me, they go like...
- [chuckling]
Right? [laughs]
It's like, "Move over there."
[audience laughs]
So I said hi like that.
She extended her hand,
and when I gave her mine,
she kissed me on my cheek.
And my brain said,
"Shit, that's your girlfriend."
- [audience laughs]
- [chuckling]
And from that day on,
I hung out with Carlos Alberto,
who I hated,
only because sometimes
Karina was there too.
And then I learned her full name
and that it was her first year there.
So I said,
"This is my chance to win her over."
Because, and women will confirm this,
in middle school,
girls think a guy from a higher grade
has a certain appeal.
And I thought, "She wasn't here.
She doesn't know about Lousy."
[audience laughs]
That's a good start.
So we started chatting.
But you're your own worst enemy.
Because my brain said,
"Dude, what's your goal here?"
"You've seen her. You've seen yourself."
"Lousy told you to go fuck yourself,
and she was ugly and full of lice."
[audience chuckles]
"This one is pretty and liceless."
But I was hopeful,
and my plan to win Karina over...
Listen, this is one heck of a plan.
I thought, "To avoid messing it up,
I won't talk."
[audience chuckles]
"I'm going to play the mysterious dude."
[audience chuckles]
"Let the other guy talk."
"She will see I'm quiet,
and she will obsess over me."
[audience laughs]
She'll say, "Who's this mysterious man?"
"I can't figure him out."
She'll be obsessed,
and next thing she knows, she's in love.
That was my plan.
So every day,
I was with Carlos and Karina.
They talked. I only said, "No." "Yes."
"That's such a drag."
I figured that word was cool
because Lousy used it.
One day Karina asked us,
"Are you guys entering
the school's singing contest?"
I was about to say yes,
when Carlos said, "That's for sissies."
[audience chuckles]
And I was like, "Ah."
[audience laughs]
She said, "You both should do it.
You sing well."
He said, "Not for me."
She turned to me.
I was about to say, "That's for sissies."
She said to me, "You should do it.
If you enter, I'll cheer you on."
[audience chuckles]
And my brain said, "New plan."
[audience laughs]
"You will enter the contest, you will win,
and after you win,
she will see you as a rock star."
"She will fall for you,
and she will try to win you over."
"With women,
it's easier if they approach you
than if you do it."
"So, when she sees you win that contest,
she will say, 'Franco, take me
and be the pervert
you've always wanted to be.'"
[audience laughs]
That was the plan.
From that day on, I rehearsed
like a motherfucker, every day,
for one or two hours, the same song.
I learned it from top to bottom.
I knew every pause, key, and note.
I was ready.
The day of the contest,
I thought it would be just
a few contestants in a small classroom,
plus the judges.
The principal said,
"Teenagers are insecure, right?"
[audience chuckles]
"Let's do the contest
in front of the whole school."
[audience laughs]
"After break,
so that they have things to throw."
[audience laughs]
On the explanada, my friends,
which is a concrete stage
in public middle schools.
They used a shitty curtain
to make a backstage area.
I remember being behind this curtain
with the other contestants,
and I peeked out to check on things,
and the audience was close to the stage.
They weren't seated by groups.
There was no assigned seating.
And I saw all my bullies
scattered throughout the audience.
I said, "Man,
this is gonna be a massacre."
[audience laughs]
I had to go second.
The first one to go on stage
was this kid
from first year of middle school.
He was tiny.
The guitar was as tall as him.
[audience laughs]
And the guy came from behind the curtain
and walked to the center of the stage.
He stood there,
and while he was getting ready, plop.
A soda in a bag.
It was like this.
It completely messed up his T-shirt.
So the kid went back...
crying, feeling like shit,
while the audience
laughed their asses off.
And everyone backstage was like, "Shit!"
And Too, the teacher,
said to me, "You're next."
I went, "No fucking way.
Your mom is next."
"You're not going on stage?"
I went, "No." [scoffs]
"You're a coward."
I said, "Always will be."
- [audience laughs]
- Eh.
"You wanna be a coward your whole life?"
"Damn right. Cowards live longer."
[audience laughs]
"Brave people die young."
"Look at the statues. They're youngsters."
[audience chuckles]
"Not going out there."
"You'll regret it."
"I doubt it." [chuckles]
[audience laughs]
A girl went up.
They threw food at her.
Didn't finish her song. Another boy.
They hurled all kinds of abuse at him.
The audience was having a great time.
I was thinking,
"Good thing I sat this one out."
I looked at the audience,
and right in the middle,
front and center, was Karina.
I was looking at her,
and she turned, and our eyes met,
and she went, "Come on!"
[audience laughs]
And I could hear
my father's words in my head,
"Damn women." [chuckles]
[audience laughs]
So I talked to the teacher.
"Is it okay if I participate?
I'd like to go on stage."
He said, "Really?"
"Yeah, I'm screwed."
[audience laughs]
"All right."
I remember I took the mic stand
all the way to the left
so I could guard myself using a wall.
And I stepped back so I could dodge
anything they threw at me.
And the teacher said, "No,"
and put the mic back.
I was getting comfortable
when this dude yelled, "Hey, fat ass!"
[audience laughs]
"Go fuck yourself!"
I thought, "What a dick."
"'Go fuck yourself' would've sufficed."
[audience laughs]
"Why does he need to call me fat ass?
What if Karina had not noticed?"
"And now she's going to say,
'Shit, he is fat.'"
[audience laughs]
Once he said that, I felt destroyed.
I don't know if the teacher
felt bad for me,
or if he had had it with the audience,
but he got angry.
He took the mic from me
and started asking, "Who was it? Huh?"
"Who shouted that? Where are you?"
"You think you're brave,
shouting from a distance?"
"I'd like to see you up here, man.
Where real brave people are."
"Unlike you, hiding..."
And another kid goes, "Shut up, old fart!"
"Who was that? Huh?"
[audience laughs]
And the teacher...
It was like a tennis match.
He'd turn one way,
and they'd yell from another.
He tried to feint his way...
And the teacher lost his mind.
I don't know why.
He had a 15-minute fit of rage.
He started berating the audience.
Uh, "Keep it up. I know who you are.
It's always the same ones."
"It's always the same kids."
"You think it's fun
to not care about school."
"You'll end up working in factories
like your parents." I was like, "Whoa."
[audience laughs]
The guy was fuming, man.
He was cursing at people for two minutes.
"Fuck you! Fuck you too!"
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughs]
After that, he gives me the mic
and says, "You're up."
[scoffs] I said,
"I got quite the opening act."
[audience laughs]
"Fuck my luck."
So I was gonna try again.
And my brain said, "New plan."
[audience chuckles]
"You're going to sing the whole song
while looking Karina in the eyes."
[audience laughs]
I asked, "Why, man?"
[audience chuckles]
"Dumbass. She will think
it's her own private concert,
and she'll fall in love."
"It won't matter if you win."
"And you'll win anyway, dude, so do it."
I said, "Okay."
I began to gaze into her eyes,
and I got shy all of a sudden.
[audience chuckles]
I played the whole song
looking at the floor.
I kept this eye closed just in case.
I don't know if what the teacher said
made them behave,
but no food was thrown at me.
They didn't yell.
They let me finish my song.
And I kid you not,
my friends, they even clapped for me.
I was the first one they applauded.
And here's the thing.
I remember this chord.
The song was "Y aqu estoy."
The final chord is a C.
When I played the last C
and heard the applause,
I felt this electricity
running through my body,
and I thought,
"Damn, I wanna do this my whole life."
"I want to travel the world
with my guitar."
I had no idea I'd fail
and end up telling jokes for a living.
[audience chuckles]
But right there and then, I said,
"I'm gonna do this my whole life."
You probably haven't experienced it,
but when you have zero self-esteem,
and you get a tiny bit,
it goes to your head, my friends.
And that small accomplishment
of being applauded in a school contest
got me all high and mighty,
and Karina now seemed too little for me.
[audience laughs]
Why? Because I became a rock star.
And rock stars get big booties.
And Karina was too skinny.
So when I finished singing,
I walked by her and said, "Hey."
[audience chuckles]
And I went backstage,
or more like behind that damn black cloth.
The other kids were happy for me.
They said, "You did great. Amazing job."
And I, all cocky...
I detest that Franco. I swear.
I told them, "Of course.
What did you expect?"
"That I'd do poorly like you? No way."
I hate that patronizing and cocky Franco
because I began to criticize
the other contestants.
They would give it their all on stage,
and I would mock them.
Like, "Why are you up there?
You've got nothing."
"I won. Let's get out of here."
Super cocky, my friends.
The last one to go onstage
was a girl from my class.
She had...
I don't want to use an offensive term.
It's people whose upper lip
kind of extends into their nose.
And that sometimes, not sure if always,
but at least in her,
it gave her a nasally voice, okay?
Obviously, at the school,
my classmates would call her Twangy.
Because bullies in the '90s
had no creativity.
We had Lousy, Twangy,
Fatty, Queery, Adopty, and so on.
When I see her coming to the stage...
Trick ruiner...
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughs]
Simple nicknames.
Last one, dude. Really.
Anyone can mistake the eight of clubs
for the king of hearts.
When I saw she was going to go on stage,
I felt genuinely worried about her
because I thought,
"They'll destroy her. They'll laugh."
And I said in a nice way,
"Aren't you scared to go up there?"
She went, [nasally] "No."
[audience laughs]
Don't laugh at that.
[audience laughs]
You're going to hell, fuckers.
I'm not.
Because God knows I tell these things
so that my children can eat.
You guys laugh because you're jerks.
Twangy went on stage,
and I thought, "Oh, shit."
The other contestants watched nervously,
and I could see how people in the audience
were licking their lips.
They were like...
"This is going to be fucking awesome."
They played her track,
"La vie en rose," Thala's version.
I'll never forget that.
She starts singing,
and you wouldn't believe
how beautifully she sang.
Her singing voice
had nothing to do with her talking voice.
And the contestants were like, "No way."
And the audience was like, "Oh, shit."
[audience laughs]
And here I was like,
"No way. I lost this contest."
[audience laughs]
My cockiness evaporated.
I said, "Where's Karina?"
[audience laughs]
"Tell her I changed my mind."
And halfway through the song,
she threw in a poem.
She recited some words
that I couldn't catch.
[cracks up]
Because when she started talking again,
her nasal voice came out,
and people started snickering.
And when she tried to sing,
she sang with her twang,
and everyone burst into laughter,
and the poor thing
had a breakdown on stage.
She cried and dropped the mic.
But not, like, in a gangsta way.
More like throwing a tantrum.
And she left crying
while the audience laughed out loud.
The contestants were like,
"Poor thing! She was doing great!"
And I was thinking, "Did I just win?"
[audience laughs]
"I mean, yes, poor thing, but did I win?"
"Now I want two big booties."
[audience laughs]
And I became cocky again, and I repeat,
I like to remember that Franco,
but I detest that Franco.
Because I was cocky and patronizing
to my co-competitors.
I was backstage saying,
"Hey, you're all winners."
[audience chuckles]
"You had the balls to get up there."
"There'll be one winner, obviously,
but you all should be happy."
They announce the results.
"The fifth place goes to so-and-so."
I said, "Good!"
"That's all you could do, motherfucker."
I was saying, "Just announce
the winner so I can leave."
"Fourth place, so-and-so.
Third place, so-and-so."
"Second place, Franco Lpez."
I was like, "Huh?"
[audience chuckles]
Someone said, "That's you."
"I know it's me, idiot."
Have you seen those war movies or shows
where there's an explosion,
and the character moves, like, all dazed,
and you can't hear anything?
You hear... [imitates high-pitched ring]
And other people are like...
- [shouting inaudibly]
- [audience laughs]
He's like, "What the hell?"
That's how I felt.
I walked on stage like a zombie.
I couldn't hear.
I turned to the audience, and Karina went...
That damn face felt like...
[groans] "Fuck."
And they gave me this certificate
that they slapped together.
[scoffs] The name was handwritten.
They couldn't even type it.
I thought, "Damn mediocre school."
[audience laughs]
I'm standing next to third place,
and he says, "Congratulations."
I said, "Fuck off, dude."
"What are you laughing at?
You're worse than me."
I wondered, "Who won, then?"
Twangy, man.
[audience laughs]
Yeah. They didn't disqualify her
for not finishing the song.
When they said her name,
she came back, still crying.
I said, "Are we rehashing songs now?"
[audience laughs]
I was pissed. Like,
"Fucking Mexican corruption. For real."
"That's why we never make it
to the knockout stage at the World Cup."
And in a rebellious outburst, folks,
I grabbed my certificate,
walked up to the judges,
shredded it in front of them,
and threw it at them.
And I scuttled out of there...
[audience laughs]
...thinking, "They can't see you cry."
[audience laughs]
I got home and locked myself in.
Like, "I'll never play the guitar again!"
Total lie.
Minutes later, I was playing her again.
"Not your fault, shorty."
[audience laughs]
But I stopped talking to Karina.
You may think it makes no sense,
but for me, it totally did. I didn't win.
She wasn't gonna be my girl.
Why talk to her?
I stopped hanging out with her and Carlos,
and then she started dating her classmate.
Ulises. Fuck that guy too, wherever he is.
[audience laughs]
I said, "I won't talk to women again."
And I did that
during my second and third years.
My conversations with women were,
"Good morning,"
"Excuse me,"
"Out of my way."
Right? "Lend me a pencil,"
"What did the teacher say?"
Those were my conversations with women.
Then I finished middle school,
and I said, "New school, new life."
I took the freshman course,
and I had a girlfriend
for less than 24 hours.
[audience laughs]
First day of the course, as I was leaving,
I asked her, "Wanna be my girlfriend?"
New experiment. I've tried it all.
And she said, "Yep." Like, "Okay."
Next morning, she says, "Actually, no."
[audience laughs]
So I had a girlfriend
for less than 24 hours.
And my whole freshman year...
Okay, I did high school twice.
Two years in Cuautla,
two years in Monterrey.
For both years in Cuautla,
I didn't speak to any woman.
But during my sophomore year,
Karina started going
to the same high school.
And she got...
Damn her.
[audience laughs]
Sometimes you don't like God as a person.
[audience laughs]
When God gives, he gives a ton.
When he doesn't, he doesn't.
Because Karina was already pretty,
and all of a sudden, bam! Boobs.
She hit puberty and was like,
"What do I get?" "Boobs!"
For me, "What do I get?"
"Zits, motherfucker!"
[audience laughs]
"And you'll smell funny for two years."
So I saw her, and I was like, "Holy shit!"
My brain said, "That's Karina."
I said, "Shut up!"
I was walking up to her,
and my brain said, "Where are you going?"
"To talk to Karina." He said, "No!"
"Have you seen her?
Have you seen yourself?"
[audience laughs]
"It didn't happen in middle school.
And now she has boobs."
[audience laughs]
"Besides, we haven't talked to girls,
and we've been happy for years."
I said, "True. But can I look at her?"
"Sure, go ahead."
So I was looking at her,
and when I'm picking up my stuff to leave,
I turn and see she's walking towards me.
When she sees my face, she goes, "Franco!"
And for reason I still don't understand,
I was like...
Um... [exhales]
[audience laughs]
As if I knew so many women
that I really couldn't remember.
I said, "Karina?"
She said, "Yeah!"
"Remember me?"
And I'm thinking, "Boy, do I remember."
[audience laughs]
And my brain said,
"And we will remember tonight!"
[audience laughs]
[laughter grows louder]
[audience applauds]
And like 20 for her.
[Franco laughs]
Karina asked me,
"Do you go to school here?"
And I, on impulse, said,
"No, I'm the janitor."
[audience laughs]
But she didn't do the rainbow on me.
She laughed, "That's so you."
And my brain was like, "Dude, shut up."
[audience laughs]
I said, "You obviously study here.
You just walked in."
"Yeah." "What's your class?" "This one."
"Which one is that?"
"It's in the afternoon."
First I thought was, "She's dumb."
[audience laughs]
I don't know about here,
but in Cuautla the afternoon sessions
were full of thugs.
She said, "When are you stopping by?"
I said, "Never with the afternoon guys."
In the morning sessions, they'd slap us.
But the afternoon ones were full of scum.
Those guys used knives.
Some of them even had
kids of their own, and whatnot.
The boys had a mustache.
Karina asks me,
"Have you seen anyone from middle school?"
I said, "Fortunately, no."
I ask, "How about you?
Are you still dating..."
"What was this idiot's name?"
[audience laughs]
She asks, "Who?"
"The one with an idiot name...
[audience chuckles]
...idiot face, I can't remember."
She asks, "Ral?"
I say, "No."
[audience laughs]
I say, "Bitch, how many are there?"
[audience laughs]
So, to stop her, I said, "Ulises."
[audience laughs]
She says, "Oh, we only dated
for, like, a month. We didn't work out."
And that seemed to bring back memories,
because she asked,
"Why did you stop talking
to me back then?"
I said, "Well, you were dating Ulises,
and many of my female friends' boyfriends
would get angry
if they saw my friends with me,
they saw me as a threat, you know?
So I didn't want to cause you trouble."
"And I can't remember.
I was seeing several girls."
And Karina says,
"Oh, you were dating Lousy, right?"
[audience laughs]
And I swear I wanted to say,
"I was, wasn't I?"
[audience laughs]
"Because that bitch says I wasn't."
[audience laughs]
But I wanted to seem cool,
and I said, "Wait. No."
"That's how gossip works, girl. No."
"Let's see."
"I went to a wild party a long time ago..."
"There was a ton of people.
We were all hammered."
"I drank half a bottle all by myself."
"And Bolillo, you know him?"
"Yeah." "He said,
'I bet you can't kiss the ugly one.'"
"And I kissed her once."
"And the girl got the idea
that we were dating."
[audience laughs]
"She told everyone,
but no, nothing like that."
"It was just a drunken thing."
The saddest part is
that Karina took my side.
She says, "That's dumb."
"Why would she think that
after just one kiss?"
[audience laughs]
Feeling like shit, I said,
"Some people are really dumb."
[audience laughs]
My brain said, "Dude, let's bounce."
[audience laughs]
"You're this close
to fucking it up. Let's go."
I said, "You're right."
I told her, "Listen, it was great
seeing you, but I have to leave now."
"Why? What's wrong?"
"My dad is really strict about schedules."
She said,
"Let's wait for the bus together."
I said, "Okay."
Of course, I carried her backpack
like a gentleman.
I regretted it two blocks later.
[audience laughs]
It was our two backpacks, my guitar.
I was sweating like a pig.
She was talking.
I kept quiet to not mess things up.
I don't know how long we stood there.
We were waiting for the bus.
We missed one.
I said, "I gotta go.
I'm gonna get in trouble."
She said, "Okay."
"Can you promise not to laugh
if I tell you something?"
I said, "I can't promise anything."
[audience laughs]
No, I was cool. I said, "Sure."
She said, "It's just that... No, forget it."
And that's something women often do,
but it's a spell that doesn't work on me.
If you say, "Forget it,"
all the better for me.
[audience laughs]
I won't have to listen to you.
Usually people'll say, "Come on, tell me."
I will forget it right away.
She said, "Forget it,"
and I just chilled out.
[audience laughs]
She goes, "I'll tell you." I'm like...
- [scoffs]
- [audience laughs]
She says, "In middle school... Don't laugh."
I say, "I won't."
"In middle school...
you used to catch my eye."
[audience laughs]
My comeback could not have been
more organic, my friends.
Because I asked,
[audience laughs]
She says, "I don't know. I liked both you
and Carlos." "Fuck you, Carlos."
"Because you were both a year older."
"You both sing,
and I have a thing for singers."
"But Carlos was rude. He was a show-off."
"I liked you better
because you were more serious,
very quiet."
Yep. And I was thinking,
"No way, Mr. Mystery worked."
[audience laughs]
That's what I called it.
[laughter grows louder]
I said, "I need to patent that."
I said, "You're messing with me."
She said, "I asked you not to laugh."
I said, "I'm not. But it's not true."
She said, "It is."
I said, "Girl, in middle school I was
in love... No, I was obsessed with you."
"I was this close
to making a doll out of your hair."
"Your life was in danger with me."
[audience laughs]
She asked, "Why didn't you say anything?"
So I got defensive, "Ah, neither did you!"
[audience laughs]
She says, "I thought you might reject me."
I said, "How could I reject you?
Come on, don't be stupid."
[audience laughs]
I swear I saw my brain going like, "Oh!"
"I told you to leave a long time ago."
[audience laughs]
She screwed up her face, it looked funny.
I said, "No, I'm sorry."
"I didn't mean to offend you.
It just doesn't make any sense."
"Okay? It makes no sense. It's silly."
"How could I reject you?"
"Have you seen yourself? Have you seen me?
No way I could reject you."
She said, "It's fine."
I said, "I apologize. I'm sorry about..."
"Had I known, I would've asked you out."
She says, "I would've said yes."
I said, "I mean, in my defense,
in middle school, I was pretty dumb
when it came to talking to girls."
"It pains me to think
what could've been, and I missed out."
"I offer you a big apology,
but what the hell can we do about it?"
And I left.
[audience laughs]
Those laughing already got it.
Those not laughing, don't feel bad.
I didn't get it either.
[audience laughs]
I only got it recently.
[audience laughs]
Remember I told you I was telling
my wife about this?
When I got to this part, she started
laughing, and said, "That can't be true!"
"It can't be true. That's a joke."
I felt offended. I told her,
"First, what a dick move it is to laugh
when I'm opening my heart."
"Second, why would it be a joke?"
"You're saying it was impossible
for Karina to like me?"
She said, "No, I believe that,
but you didn't leave." I said, "I did."
[audience laughs]
"My dad was very strict about curfews."
"Had to be home on time
otherwise he'd beat me up."
She asked if I looked for her again.
I said, "Never."
"Why not?"
"She was one of the afternoon people.
I was afraid of them."
She said, "But, like, on a weekend?"
I said, "No, besides..."
"I mean..."
Women, it's happened to you.
Apologies on behalf of men.
Sometimes you like a girl,
but you never let her know.
You never ask her out.
You never confess your interest in her.
And you're always stuck.
And then she doesn't know you like her,
and she finds a boyfriend.
So you get offended. And what do you say?
"Fucking whore."
[audience laughs]
"She didn't care about us."
[audience laughs]
It happens. She asked me,
"Why didn't you look for her?"
I said, "She started dating a guy.
She didn't care about me."
"I said, 'I won't talk to you, bitch.'"
I gave her the cold shoulder
as punishment.
[audience laughs]
And Gaby said, "So you don't get it."
I asked, "What?"
[audience laughs]
"Karina liked you in high school."
"You're not paying attention.
I said 'middle school!'"
[audience laughs]
"You don't listen much
for a psychologist."
She said, "Yes, in middle school,
but also in high school."
And I was like, "Really?" She said, "Yes!"
[audience laughs]
"Why do you think she told you,
'You used to catch my eye?'"
I said, "I honestly thought it was like,
'Look what you missed, dumbass.'"
"I don't know."
"To fuck with me."
She said, "You say that
when you like someone."
I asked, "Who have you been telling that?"
Yes. She said,
"I had a boyfriend before you."
I said, "No, not true! You used to live
on a mountain in an abandoned house."
[audience laughs]
She said, "That's how it works."
"You tell him,
'Oh, you used to catch my eye.'"
"And he asks, 'How about now?'"
"And you just laugh."
"And he understands you still like him."
I was like, "No."
[audience laughs]
This is just me.
The men who understand all that,
I mean, the ones who speak Women...
[audience laughs] me, they're bilingual, man.
[audience laughs]
I would never understand that.
Now, let's suppose I did understand.
I would've never been confident enough
to say, "How about now?"
I think that's a terrible answer.
If I was a woman and opened up to a guy
and said, "You used to catch my eye,"
and he said, "How about now?"
"Now go fuck yourself."
[audience laughs]
"You clingy creep."
Gaby said, "No, people use that line."
"It's like when a girl tells a boy,
'Oh, you look like someone I know.'"
"That's because she likes him."
[clicks tongue] I told her,
"I get that a lot."
[audience chuckles]
She said, "Nah, you do look
like a lot of people."
[audience chuckles]
But give me a break, all right?
Lately, people take it too far.
They send me a pic of any fat guy
with glasses: "Looks just like you."
- I'm like, "Oh, don't be a dick!"
- [audience laughs]
A guy with a beard and whatnot.
Some of them, I go,
"They do look like me."
Did you see that lady?
[audience laughs]
Poor thing. God bless her.
Franca Escamilla, man.
God bless her heart,
because I often thought, in my despair,
"Maybe it'd be better if I was a woman."
- Now I know it wouldn't.
- [audience laughs]
It's a good thing I was born a man,
God bless her.
And while I was telling Gaby all this,
she said,
"I can't believe you didn't get it."
I said, "Well, what does it matter?"
I said, "Honestly, in high school,
I was pretty dumb
when it came to talking to girls."
I said, "But one thing's for sure,
I swear if I see her again..."
And Gaby, who was laughing...
[audience laughs]
...became angry.
"If you see her again, then what?"
[audience laughs]
Gaby never uses foul language.
But she said, "Finish the sentence
if you have the balls."
[audience laughs]
I said, "If I see her again,
I'll tell her I'm happily married
to a prettier and hotter woman,
and that she missed out
on this ladies' man."
Apparently I'm still dumb
when it comes to talking to women.
[audience laughs and applauds]
Thank you, my friends.
[audience laughs and applauds]
Thank you all for bearing with me.
And I'd like to apologize
to my dear Jos, the trick ruiner.
[audience laughs]
We pranked you.
I knew it was the king of hearts.
[audience laughs]
Do you know when I knew?
Last Sa... Last Friday.
Last Friday,
I performed a show in Chicago,
at an arena,
and I made a video for you, dear Jos.
Can we play the video, please?
Hey there, dear trick ruiner.
I'm in the city of Chicago, Illinois.
I wanted to say
I already have something to tell you,
and these people want to say hi.
One, two, three!
Hi, trick ruiner!
And that's not all.
They already know which card you picked.
One, two, three!
King of hearts!
This is magic, folks!
Ladies' man. My name's Franco Escamilla.
Take care. Till next time. Bye.
- [applause]
- [energetic music playing]
[no dialogue audio]
This is Francollywood, folks,
the best team out there, and let 'em talk.
Subtitle translation by: David Marin